Table of Contents

Dedication

Thanks

Foreword

Disclaimer

Introduction

Fragrance of a Crushed Flower

No Way Out!

My Early Days

My Rebellious Year

Abortion?/Jail?

Obsession

I must flee the Country

A Big Mistake!

Change of Destiny

The Final Straw

The Big Escape

My First Major Victory

The Knife Chase

Escaping Death

The Friendly Deception

My Knight in Shining Armor

Full Combat

Message from God

Road to Recovery

Guideline Prayers

End Notes

Copyright © 2013 by Deborah Anne Mitchell

Fragrance Of A Crushed Flower

When Destiny Shouts!

by Deborah Anne Mitchell

Printed in the United States of America

ISBN 9781628395075

All rights reserved solely by the author. The author guarantees all contents are original and do not infringe upon the legal rights of any other person or work. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without the permission of the author. The views expressed in this book are not necessarily those of the publisher.

Unless otherwise indicated, Bible quotations are taken from The Amplified Bible(AMP), containing the amplified Old Testament and the amplified New Testament. Copyright © 1987 by The Lockman Foundation; The Holy Bible, New International Version NIV). Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society; The Holy Bible, King James Version (KJV). Copyright © 1972 by Thomas Nelson Inc.; and The Holy Bible, New Living Translation (NLT). Copyright © 1996, 2004, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation.

www.xulonpress.com

Dedication

I dedicate this book to all the women who have experienced abuse of any kind and also to the women who have died as a result. Nobody quite understands the level of fear that torments a soul in this predicament unless they have walked this path. I understand and identify with those in that kind of fear, which is so crippling that it crushes any thought of escape.

This book is also dedicated to all those women who are suffering silently, and my hope and prayer is that you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that there really is a way out, even if it looks impossible. Your worth is far greater than you think.

Thanks

I thank God that against all odds, He made a way of escape for me. He showed me mercy, grace and love and I will be eternally grateful. Everything I am today is only because of the grace of God. I want to thank Him for protecting me from death so many times and for giving me a brand new start in life. I am particularly thankful and forever grateful too for my miracle son, Daniel, and how He protected him from certain death.

I also would like to thank:

Rita Merle Paul for your amazing friendship and dedicated prayer partnership during the most traumatic years of my life.

Sandy Delport for your invaluable input and encouragement concerning my manuscript.

Dad and Mum for not giving up on me during those unbearable teenage years. They are now a testimony for the glory of God. I love you deeply and thank God for you.

My husband, William, for loving me, believing in me, standing by me and also fighting to protect me. I thank God for giving you to me. I love your heart for God’s Kingdom and your desire to please Him first. Honey, I love you with all my heart and you will always be my Knight in Shining Armor!

Foreword

Deborah has come through extremely traumatic circumstances with amazing testimonies that bring hope and freedom to many. This book is a timely release of her turning point years ago in the midst of great tribulation. It has been written with vulnerable transparency which divulges the depths of her life and soul. It was birthed as a result of seeing many respond and their lives set free by hearing her true story and it is also the fulfillment of prophecy.

I have personally walked through much of the emotional turmoil and seen the results of Deborah’s transformation with my own eyes. The Apostle Paul says in 1 Corinthians 11:1 (NIV), “Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.”

Not many people know the author of the books they read, but I know this author personally, her outstanding Christian character and godly lifestyle. The light that emanates from her life as a disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ is a tremendous example for many to follow.

Deborah is an inspiring woman, a leader that serves in any capacity to fulfill her responsibilities to her family and ministry. Most importantly she is the love of my life and has served as my wife and confidant for more than two decades. She is the mother of our four sons, co-pastor of the churches, schools and ministries we have pioneered together over many years, and also as an itinerant prophetic minister to the greater body of Christ in various countries including South Africa, America, Brazil and the UK.

-William Mitchell, Apostle

Kingdom Builders International

Disclaimer

I have deliberately changed most of the names of individuals and certain information has been slightly tweaked to protect those featured in this book. However, to the best of my ability I have tried to keep most of this story intact and truthful to promote God’s glory.

Introduction

As a very young teen I fell head-over-heels for a guy who I thought was “cool,” and “macho,” but then turned out to be the worst mistake I could ever have made. A professional boxer, street fighter and gang leader, eight years my senior, was the best recipe for disaster. From the moment I got involved with him my life turned up-side-down with rebellion playing its part, and then came the rejection. Keeping me on a string, he would frequently break up with me, which sent me into the emotional pit of drugs, depression and attempted suicide. When I fell pregnant, he became obsessed with me and then started regularly beating me, initially behind closed doors and then it progressed into humiliating public verbal and physical abuse. Not allowing me to leave him, I found myself trapped in this relationship as he threatened to kill my family and me, if I ever left him. His mental health terrified me and I could not see any way of escaping him and still remaining alive. After trying everything I could to escape, I surrendered to marriage plans and the idea that this was how my life would be forever, until something miraculous happened to me that changed my destiny. My escape became a journey of discovery and finding my meaning to life, true peace, love and joy.

Fragrance of a Crushed Flower

Only just opened

A fresh flower blossomed

It’s inquisitive nature captured

By the claws of terror and fear

Down it was thrown

This flower on the floor

To be trod on, bruised, broken and torn

“But there’s hope, love and victory for my children”

Whispered the One who could repair

Those in despair

I felt the rays of The Son

Repairing my brokenness

And healing my pain

“My precious flower

You are still beautiful to Me

But your fragrance is now

An aroma for all to receive”

By Deborah Anne Mitchell

Chapter One

No Way Out!

Rex held a strong reputation in the neighborhood as the leader of a well-known gang in the suburbs of the city of Durban, South Africa. He was acquainted with many in the underworld which gave him a certain degree of influence and authority, not only with gang members but also with me. From the inexperienced view point of an eighteen year old girl, I believed every word that he spoke, which crippled my thinking about myself, my family and my friends and it magnified his reign and power over me.

It felt like I had spent an eternity under his rule and control, but in reality we had been together for six long years. He was violently abusive, strong and fast as lightning with his fists. But that was not what I feared the most; it was his unstable mind, deceptive and unpredictable nature that scared me the most.

He was dangerous and frightened me to death, because I knew from past events that he was capable of carrying out his threats. If he wanted to get to someone at a disco, even with a number of Bouncers in the vicinity; knowing that he would get beaten up because he was outnumbered, he would not stop. As long as he got to the person he targeted, he didn’t care. He did not think of consequences for his own outcome in the process, but remained headstrong in everything that caused his ego to be pricked. Knowing this character trait kept my nerves on edge and it permeated the core of my thought life.

He was twenty-six years old and approximately half a head taller than me. He had a thin muscular frame but his street fighting and lifelong boxing training gave him the upper hand and caused his opposition to cower. He had brunette hair and usually never went anywhere without wearing his black leather jacket. His other favorite was his sleeveless denim jacket where he displayed his gang colors on the back. He always wore black, hard, pointy Jarman shoes and narrow-bottom, torn, denim trousers marked with grease stains. His eyebrows were scared from a history of fighting and he sported a tattoo of a swallow on his arm. He labeled everything with a snake and his gang nickname was the same which was a true symbol of his character.

His gang comprised of men mostly younger than himself in age but when they moved together, there was always a trail of fights, injuries and conflicting stories. There came a point when his gang activities waned and with the focus of many of the members elsewhere their violent phase became something of the past.

He was flooded with the memories of his glory days and all the gang fights and activities at the height of his reign of terror. They still held onto his past, “like a lifeline” for his own sense of worth. He kept the gang alive in almost every conversation and visited the remnant of those who he could still keep captivated with gang stories. He continuously tried to persuade younger followers that the gang was still very much active as in the older days. He exerted a lot of energy to boost his own image in their eyes. Staying connected with them, hanging out at the discos and bars as often as he could, looking for a reason to have a “good fight” gave him a dark history that kept tracking him down.

I had brunette, shoulder-length hair with light blue eyes and a pale complexion. I usually wore a serious face because fear and anxiety had become my world and reality. At one time quite confident, I now was extremely hesitant to speak to anyone and feared that what I said would get back to Rex all twisted and misconstrued. The repercussions were just too painful for me to endure. I was a total mess in both mind and body to the point of utter discomfort. When I ever tried to sit on the floor for any length of time, my bottom would ache, because my frame was just skin and bones. My appetite had escaped me through all the many Rex issues that plagued my heart and mind. My heart was shattered into a trillion pieces and my true self was nowhere to be found.

I was emotionally missing in action and my health deteriorated on the outside, although neither was noticeable to the unsuspecting world. There were a few comments about anorexia and those who tried to probe to discover the source of the obvious bruises around my neck and on my face. I remained silent and was just too scared to confirm.

Rex came home in a foul mood. His breath was heavy with alcohol as he lunged toward me for a kiss. Already anxiously anticipating his arrival home, I felt my stomach knot with fear and tension the moment I heard his keys unlock the front door. I never knew what mood he was in or how he would respond to me at any given moment. Immediately his tone warned of imminent danger as he aggressively swore about my reluctance to his intimate advances. His state of drunkenness and the sickening stench of booze made me cringe.

He screamed at me, “F—you! You b-tch! Why don’t you want to kiss me?” His tone was furious and menacing.

Wham! His tight fist flew directly into my frightened face knocking my head against the doorframe.

I moaned on impact, as my knees gave in and I landed on the floor. Unable to hold back the tears, I began to cry.

Rex believed he had the right to do anything he wanted to do to me and he thought himself powerful enough to do it. He usually reacted to anything I did/didn’t do in an aggressive, unpredictable explosion.

He disappeared out the front door, slamming it behind him as he continued spewing out all kinds of perverse swear words over his shoulder. Many of them I never totally understood and the volume gradually decreased as he left the building.

This time I escaped a harsh beating and only received more of his verbal abuse, however, this was not always the case and often escalated to severe pain after an intense beating. I was living in what seemed to be a nightmare but couldn’t wake up from it.

I wondered if he would come back and continue the beating later. Would I make it through another day? My thoughts became words as I asked myself out loud. Will I be alive tomorrow? That question regularly crossed my mind.

Only too often I would be scared of facing a painful death at his hands. I was living from one violent reaction to the next according to his explosive thoughts which rendered him volatile without the slightest provocation.

I lay on my bed trying to console myself with a pack of ice cubes wrapped in a dishcloth and dabbing it on my cheek. Salty tears rolled down into my mouth with a throbbing headache from his punch to my cheekbone.

“Mommy, I want to watch TV,” Danny said as he reached stretching on tippy toes to turn on the portable television on top of the chest of draws. He climbed onto the bed next to me. I quickly wiped my tears and tucked my hair behind my ears, as I lifted the duvet for him to climb into our bed and to make himself comfortable.

Our son, Danny, was an exquisite child with white, blonde hair to his shoulders and an extremely pale complexion. His starry blue eyes never seemed to miss a thing. He helplessly watched me being beaten up and pleading for my life even as a baby. His eyes had seen absolutely terrible things. Danny had even observed his father chasing me around the apartment with the largest knife in the kitchen.

How much would he remember? I asked myself over and over as I realized at some stage this had to have an impact on his innocent life. Danny and I held each other tightly. He was my only comfort and joy and hugging him gave me the warmth of morning sun rays that melt the icy, cold frost of a pain filled heart.

While Danny’s concentration was focused on a story on the television, my mind fused with the picture of Rex’s face as he had walked through the front door with his glossy red eyes from a few too many drinks. I wondered where he had gone after work on the way home and who he had been with, as this often affected his actions.

Sadly, I concluded that this was just another excuse for him to go out with the boys, and get with some woman again. Now I felt physical and emotional pain; the pain of a wounded heart from all his lies about other women was spreading like cancer. Eye witnesses reported that he had affairs during his nights of late drunken partying while I stayed home to look after our little son.

The noise from the traffic on the busy main road outside our home had died down as Friday evening progressed. I had no idea where Rex had gone, nor what time he would return but I did have a fearful expectation of more pain. I flinched as I recalled the tormenting conversation that kept me from leaving my violent fiancé. His terrifying words rattled through my mind. “If you ever leave me, I’ll kill you!”

With a sneer he told me, “Nothing will happen to me, you know. I will just get a few years in a mental institution, but that’s it!” He continued.

“My army records are proof enough,” he said.

He spent a great deal of time explaining how the army classified him by a status that doesn’t allow him to carry a fire arm. He could never go on any of the Border Camps they would call him up to do. He just went in to the office at the Natal Command each time he received a letter from the Army telling him to report for duty for his regular yearly three month camp. In no time at all, they canceled his Call Up. He always just had to clock the time at the base.

In a choke hold, he whispered in my ear, “So, if I killed you, I won’t go to jail at all. His threats were as cold as ice. “Get this straight; I will kill you, if you leave me. If I can’t have you, nobody will.” He emphasized his intentions by screwing up his eyes and pushing his fist against my jaw.

Rex’s threats still give me cold chills as if it were yesterday. He repeated them frequently or whenever he sensed that I wanted to leave him.

Rex was banned from carrying a firearm due to mental instability by the South African Army. In his unfit state, he continued to manipulate our home environment with all sorts of controlling tools. These threats played over and over like a record in my head, as I lay there trying to fall asleep.

“Nobody is out of my reach,” I recalled him stating, “and if I wanted to have anyone killed I could. If I can’t do it, I can arrange it through one of my many contacts.” This triggered a memory of him taking me along with him to meet up with a group from a gang in the Berea area. I had sat in the car while he walked over to them in the dark. It all seemed very shady at the time, and he told me afterward that they do favors for him.

I shifted from a curled-up position on my right side, stretched out straight onto my stomach then sunk my face into my red pillow, which matched the bright red walls and the angry atmosphere in our home. Rex would say that he saw “red” and then couldn’t help himself. He told me that he used to take calming tablets for his anger, but together with alcohol he said it made him more aggressive.

I didn’t believe that I could even go to the police for help. I strained at the memory of when they were called before and I was made to regret it and never forget it after we got home. It was a very significant event which crumbled any hope of help from the police that I ever anticipated. It became a definite future limitation that blocked all thoughts of ever phoning them again.

Rex had been knocking me around in the street, outside my friend, Abby’s house. Abby’s mom phoned the emergency police hotline to get help for me and to force Rex to stop beating me up in the street.

The first words that I heard from the lips of the very people who were supposed to help and protect me sent chills through me instead. “Hey Rex, how you doing stranger?” They were Rex’s friends and one of them was his boxing buddy. Rex was a professional boxer, and as their conversation unfolded I understood that their friendship went back to his amateur boxing days. This dreadful event somehow became an opportunity to ‘catch up’ with his friends and totally derailed the purpose of gaining any serious help from the police who chose to show loyalty to the friend they thought they knew. Anything I tried to say wasn’t taken seriously, as he wangled himself out of that situation like a professional tackling a football and delivering it straight into the goalposts with great precision. Deception was second nature to Rex. He was such a smooth talker in the best and worst of times.

I wondered if anyone could rescue me from Rex’s clutches and free me from my prison of fear, pain and torment. But I didn’t think anyone was big enough and powerful enough to help me. It had been so long since I experienced anything remotely close to peace or joy. To be honest, I just wanted to be loved. Why couldn’t he love me and treat me properly? Maybe I was just not loveable. Could anyone love me or was I a lost cause?

The tears were unstoppable as I sobbed from the depth of my heart. In my mind, there was no way out and I resigned myself to face my death. As these tormenting thoughts tore at every cell in my brain, the pain lingered in my face. My skin was numb from the self-made freezer ice pack, now too cold for my face to bear and my pillow was utterly soaked from the melting ice.

I heard his car pull up onto the grass outside and I began to panic. Lying as still as a corpse, I pretended to be asleep. He entered the room deliberately banging things to wake me up. Sitting up in bed I just looked at him.

“I can’t believe I did that to your face,” he said shamefully, staring at the huge red raised lump that protruded from my cheekbone. “I hate myself for doing that,” he implied his apology, as he dropped his keys on the counter and collapsed on the bed.

He said “sorry” so many times and I always used to forgive him, no matter how much he hurt me. During the first half of our relationship I really loved him and wanted desperately to believe him. He was my first real love and I would have done anything for him in the past. I repeatedly forgave him and would actually forget how I received the bruises when I discovered them a day or so later. After concentrated thought, the memories would return.

Time does not heal all wounds. The beatings continued and intensified to the point that I no longer believed him anymore. His behavior betrayed him.

Hopeless, and without vision or purpose, I plodded on from one day to the next, like a train through a tunnel without any light ahead, where the darkness progressively became thicker and thicker and now life was so dark that I could not think further than the moment I was experiencing. At the end of each day, I surrendered to the flood of exhaustion that overwhelmed me. I never realized that emotional and physical abuse was so all consuming—until I went through it myself. I welcomed any escape I could find. I welcomed sleep.

Chapter Two

My Early Days

My sisters and I grew up in a relatively normal household with both parents. I cannot remember hearing my parents ever shouting at each other. Mom and dad were not parents who fought in front of their children and disagreements were a rarity. In fact, thinking about it, I never ever heard them swear. They hardly ever drank any alcohol except for when they went out to a party or on special occasions. If my mom had a little too much wine, she would just laugh a lot and I can't remember ever seeing my dad have too much to drink. I got the impression that they found it hard to make ends meet but they made sure that we took a yearly holiday as a family.

My father, Keith, wore a jovial persona and had one of those hearty laughs that could be heard from a distance and easily located in the superstore whenever we got separated. He was a natural comedian, never lacked jokes and possibly had one for every occasion. His white gray hair distinguished him and his sea blue smiling eyes captured anyone with whom he conversed. He was tall with a slender build and whistled with every step. Seldom would he be found without a smile on his face, unless he was working out somebody’s taxes for them or signing up a client's assurance policy. He was always looking at new opportunities to make some money and enjoyed his regular visits to the casino.

Mum's name was Judy, and she emerged as the career woman through the financial struggles in life. Dad’s finances were up and down with mostly commission based jobs and she had already known the road to life as an uneasy path. Although adopted, she ended up taking the responsibility of supporting her brother and alcoholic mother. She had to work very hard for everything she ever had and found it necessary to even study at night school so that she could work in the day time to support her family.

A beautiful woman, she wore her hair in a golden blond bob. People couldn't believe that she was my mum as she looked so young for her age. Her blue eyes danced and sparkled when she spoke and her job as director of a travel agency was a perfect match for her personality. Mom and dad were big readers and tackled thick books with ease, sometimes reading right through into the early hours of the morning.

My two sisters were eight and ten years my junior and named Anne Margaret and Elizabeth-Anne. I fetched them from nursery school every day after school. I took them home by bus. This was a hard task as they wouldn't listen to me and would run up and down the aisle of the bus making lots of noise while everyone frowned at me as I chased them back to their seats. Not quite the thing I wanted to be seen doing and a bit embarrassed as a school girl gets when attention is drawn to herself while she is still in her school uniform. I definitely couldn't get them to sit still and be quiet, as hard as I tried. I cared for them in my parents’ absence, as both mom and dad worked all day and full time.

Both of my sisters were too young to be my friends, but I loved them and couldn't get over how different they were from each other. There was never a dull moment with these two little characters running around, with them either shaving their eyebrows off or quarreling so intensely that one would throw a brick at the other. I'd laugh at them until something would really tick me off like finding my dressing table mirror broken into pieces or finding huge stains on my brand new carpet from them breaking my perfume bottles. I'd let off a loud yell at them and spank them both.

School holidays were most frustrating when I would have to care for them. All I wanted to do was to be out there gallivanting with my friends up the road. Elizabeth-Anne, my youngest sister was the quiet, blond, curly-haired child who was actually very shy but very brave. She had big blue eyes, big rosy round cheeks and almost transparent fair skin.

Anne Margaret had straight brunette hair and also had amazing blue eyes highlighted with thick black eyebrows. She was a loud extravert character, who looked like me when I was her age and laughed loudly like dad. She was strong as an ox both physically and in character too and so much like me that it was remarkable that even in our childhood photos, you couldn't tell us apart. They were both always chasing the dogs around the yard playing games and drawn to the swimming pool like a magnet.

As mentioned earlier, mom and dad were career parents like most parents in South Africa. During the growing pains of childhood and family life, I recall how things changed when we started having our meals around the television instead of together around the dinner table. Our communication lessened drastically and we drifted apart. Our time schedule in the evenings became largely dictated by the television dramas.

The TV dramas began to mold my ideas of how life should be and soon I was programmed into believing that sex meant love. In the evenings we watched television and muttered a few words to each other, but basically that was the sum of our time together. We didn't actually interact much at all from what I can remember. My parents were there in our home at night after work, but it felt like we were miles apart.

We lived in a three-bedroom home, with a swimming pool. Because I was the oldest, I was given my own room and my sisters shared a room (not that I could keep them out of mine). We had a domestic worker, and often times had someone lodging in the outside building too. Two large dogs resided with us, a cross Labrador-Alsatian and Doberman, as well as a Miniature Poodle always barking for attention. Next door to our property were bush lands and still loads of room for development when we initially moved in.

Conversations about God were non-existent, and I don’t believe my dad ever put his foot into a church, except for a wedding, funeral or christening. My mum would mainly go to church on special occasions like Easter and maybe a handful of times during the year. I can’t say I knew much about what she believed, just that when I asked mum on one occasion about the Bible, she said that she believed it was a book written a long time ago comprised of good stories to help people live morally good lives. I was only about eight years old at the time when I popped the question and it stands to reason that she possibly thought I was too young to understand.

As far back as I can remember I was molested by Frank, a young adult family member. He would lure me into a bedroom to participate in games that he initiated so he could fondle me. Many times it would start with a lot of noise and chasing me around until he got me into the room behind a closed door and in the dark with a torch, under a blanket he would interfere with me. I’m not sure when it started but definitely by the age of four years old this pattern had already started forming.

I was too young to think anything bad about it initially, as in my innocence it was a regular and frequent game, but as I grew I started to feel very awkward and guilt began to flood my emotions. I didn't know how to prevent him from doing what he had been doing to me all of my childhood. My stomach felt sick at the thought of him touching me and we would clash with huge arguments, but I just couldn’t bring myself to speak about what had been happening to me so it continued until I was about nine years old. My innocence had been stolen from me, initially unknowingly, as that door should never have been opened as a child, and the magnified feelings of shame overwhelmed me. I felt dirty and I carried a secret that I was too ashamed to talk about because in some way, I thought it was my fault.

My thoughts badgered me day and night. Maybe I’m to blame. What would anyone think of me if they found out? Nobody will understand how I feel. I conversed silently within my prison cell of self.

Being molested left scars on my emotions, as well as the physical exposure to sexual matters, of which made a huge impact on my life only to be realized later. This resulted in my premature involvement of sexual inquisitiveness which took on a whole new list of problems. Without a doubt, my sexuality had been awakened before the appointed time.

Chapter Three

My Rebellious Year

My life really took a turn for the worse when I started attending the under eighteen’s disco at the local Scout's Hall on Friday nights. I was in my final year of primary school at the age of twelve, just turning thirteen, when I started going there with a girl from school by the name of Wendy who lived in the government council owned apartments near the disco.

The blaring music from the disco was so loud that the base level vibes penetrated the walls of all the apartments in the area. It was so exciting to dress up and put make-up on and fiddle with our hair until we felt that it looked all mature-like. We would go out finally ‘dressed to kill’ in the hopes that we would catch the eye of some handsome young guy at the disco. Mom and dad initially allowed me to go to this disco and even dropped me off there to meet my friends and have some fun. No alcohol was allowed on the premises, so they felt it would be fine.

The first time I saw Rex, he arrived at the under eighteen's disco club with a group of guys on their motorbikes. They were revving their engines and making a loud racket to show off and to catch everyone's attention. Well, they caught my attention and the attention of all the girls there. His gang should never have been at that disco because Rex was twenty and I guess the others with him were also over eighteen. They brought their bottles of beer and stronger drink, while walking around with their gang colors sewn on the back of their denim jackets. With other various kinds of small badges of rock bands and beer labels pinned or sewn all over their jackets, they made quite an impression. Their presence was intimidating to all, as any small issue became a big physical street fight involving others and then the police would arrive and everyone would flee.

Often some of them brought along drugs and they sat together in the park alongside the disco, in the shadows out of sight, with the smell of weed wafting through the air. Rex however was not into that himself, because of his boxing career so alcohol was mainly his thing and of course, the fighting kept his adrenaline pumping. They left such a trail of disasters that there was always someone that wanted to clash fists with them because of some vendetta.

The first guy there that I had an attraction to was Andrew, but I only met him once or twice and then he had a massive accident on his motorbike and broke both his legs. I visited him regularly at his home since he didn’t live too far from my house. I kept him company while he was stuck at home with his legs both in plaster casts down to his toes.

We were “going steady” for most of the time his legs were broken, until strangely he broke up with me suddenly with no logical reason after just buying me a necklace with my name engraved on it. Quite surprised by the sudden change of heart, I was left feeling really confused. A long time later I found out that Rex had something to do with the break up. This guy had been in Rex’s gang.

Shortly after that, while on the dance floor one evening, Rex bumped into me trying to get my attention. He was smiling and moving to the rhythm of the music, so I realized that it was no mistake. A little later he walked up to me outside and began talking to me as if we had known each other prior to this. He approached with an attitude of such confidence; like he owned the place and seemed to know everybody there. He would click his fingers and guys would just go and do whatever he wanted. While we were holding small talk, his attention was drawn to a song that he liked and wanted us to go inside again so we could dance.

Well, it wasn’t much of a dance before he picked me up off my feet and carried me outside again while joking around with me. He took me home on his motorbike and left his mark with a first kiss which swept me away at the impressionable age of now thirteen years old.

Rex had a certain appeal about him that captivated me and I devoured that kind of attention. After school hours I started receiving regular daily telephone calls and visits, and he wasted no time in putting out the word that I was “taken” and “out of bounds” and the word spread like wild fire.“Wow, he wants me!” I thought aloud with such excitement in my voice. “I can’t believe it! Nobody else will believe it either! Surely he wouldn’t dare go out with me,” I reasoned, “since he is so much older than me.”

Initially our swimming pool was a great excuse for him to visit me in the afternoons after school. He would bring some of his gang members and inevitably there would be one or two of my friends there too, all of us enjoying the African sun even if we didn’t swim or dress down.

It was always a challenge to get into our cold swimming pool. The chilly water brought screams and giggles of delight that often disturbed the peace and quiet. When no one was watching, we would slip away and go up to my room to be alone so we could get “to know” each other better. All the while he was preparing me for his next step that would “seal the relationship.”

Tightly holding me one night while sitting on the grass opposite my usual disco hang out, he let me know that he was after my virginity and wouldn’t allow anyone else to get to me first. I hadn’t previously thought about the reality of how or what this entailed. I suddenly thought that this could be painful, but my desire to be “his girl” and to please him outweighed the sudden fears of the unknown.

We drank lots of beer that night and peppermint liqueur until I felt extremely relaxed and just leaned against his chest. I sat listening to the beat of the thudding music and the odd shrieks of excited teenage girls lapping up the attention from the gang. Now and then I’d hear the smash of a finished beer bottle against the tarmac and a motorbike arriving to join the party.

“I need you, and it’s all I can think about,” he whispered constantly into my ear and tightened his grip around me each time he said it. As the night progressed, I felt more and more mellow and like nothing in the world mattered more than being with him. He made me feel so secure and I didn’t want anything to change.

Totally dependent on his leading, I had no idea what to expect and little do I remember about the details of what was supposed to have been an unforgettable and very special event in a woman’s life. I was just a thirteen year old girl who was craving what I thought was love but yet totally unaware of the dangers that lurked beneath the murky waters of deception that were carrying me away.

From then on he acted like he owned me. Initially, being his girlfriend felt really great. He was the leader of the pack and that excited me as I pondered what was actually happening to me. I remember thinking, Out of all the girls he could have, he chose me. I must be special.

I suddenly felt important and I had never felt that way before and then came all the unexpected kinds of reactions from my peers. Acts of jealousy and envy and aggressive remarks were hurled at me by the girls at Durban Girl’s High. This was just after I had begun the new school year and hadn’t even really had a chance to settle in. My friends however tried to warn me about getting involved with Rex but my inquisitiveness and drive for affection wouldn’t allow me to back down. Besides, I felt in love, well, as much as a thirteen-year-old girl could feel and understand about love.

My parents were not impressed with the stories that leaked out about Rex and also that he was eight years older. I was only thirteen and at the start of high school and they didn’t like it one bit. They began to put restrictions on me, like any good parent would.

“Debbie, we don’t want you to see Rex anymore. He’s too old for you,” Mum insisted.

“But I love him.” I replied with great emotion.

“This relationship can’t be good for you and you are just too young for him.” I could hear the stress in Mum’s voice.

That didn’t go down easily and I began to secretly meet up with him. Rex was constantly in the forefront of my mind, his spell over me was so strong I would just about do anything to see him and spend time with him. I started sneaking out and hitchhiking across the city to meet with him. In the nation of South Africa, hitchhiking is a dangerous escapade especially being young, female and alone. The ever-surmounting risks seemed to only spiral more and more out of control. This time the risk taken could have had the result of being raped or murdered on the byways of Durban. There were times I would tell my parents that I was going to sleep at a friend and then go and meet Rex waiting on his motorbike at the top of the hill and we’d go off to the drive-in and sleep under the stars for most of the evening. We would then end up in the outside room of his very close friend Grant. It reached extremes where I made copies of keys for the inside wall to wall gate separating the bedrooms to the rest of the house to escape for the night without notice.

Rex was finally banned from coming to our home and that fueled my determination to be with him even more. I would go ‘overboard’ at the slightest opportunity to see him came my way and if nothing came up, I would make it happen one way or the other. Rex tried to turn me against my parents by always pointing out the obvious. He knew they did not approve of him and of course their attempt at trying to stop our relationship only cemented the gap between them and me.

This entire scenario with Rex was creating all kinds of problems in my life. I jumped on-board with the idea of running away from home with a friend from school named Kathy-Ann. I just wanted out of that house because I felt locked in and always seemed to be grounded because of breaking the rules. I had no understanding of the danger in the real world. I had no clue about where I would end up, but it seemed like a good idea at the time and I couldn’t let my friend go alone.

I followed Kathy-Ann, hoping she knew what she was doing because she was older than I was and seemed to have lived all over the country. We caught trains and hitch-hiked all day and late into the night to reach Johannesburg, ending up on the streets of Hillbrow in the early hours of the morning. This was a journey that usually takes seven hours by car from Durban to Johannesburg. Hillbrow was reputed as home of some of the worst gangs in South Africa.

It was definitely below freezing and my feet and fingers were numb from the winter cold and I was shaking uncontrollably. I peered into an abandoned house, looking for some comfort and warmth. It was pitch black and when my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I noticed that the floor was very much lower than the road, probably the actual floor was removed and now only the basement floor remained.

My attention was drawn to a beam of light shining in from the street lamppost highlighting syringes used by druggies and spread out all over the sandy rubble ground. This was one of the coldest and lowest nights of my life. We roamed around until the sun rose the following day without a place to sleep. Kathy-Ann was on some serious drugs and had a long list of family issues. Here we were two rebellious teenagers together, connected in the pursuit of escaping reality. Kathy-Ann was very confused and came from a family with about four different fathers, one of which lived in Johannesburg. She had been hoping to meet up with him because she had always felt that this one loved her.

My story was just one of desperation for not being allowed to see Rex and I thought the world revolved around him. This expedition got Kathy-Ann expelled and I was temporarily suspended from our school. The school also set conditions for me to dye my hair back to its natural color before I could return. My hair had been colored in an attempt to avoid being easily recognized while on the run and of course my parents could hardly recognize their orange-haired daughter at the airport. (It was a blond hair color treatment that went wrong.) Mum’s look of shock will forever be imprinted on my mind – about as much as my orange hair will be a forever memory for her. She didn’t recognize me at the airport initially as I walked right past her in a red, Chinese Happy Coat, a shocking pink headband, bright yellow trousers and black boots.

We had found Kathy-Ann’s father and then he contacted my parents and arranged for me to fly home. I think that Mum was probably hiding a few gray hairs as a result of that rebellious adventure.

Mom and dad decided that they would allow me to start seeing Rex again, after this serious run away stunt and concluded that he wouldn’t hang around me for very long. Because of my age they thought he would drop me like a hot potato. They were more concerned I think, about me doing another dangerous episode like this again and ending up dead on the side of the road. So Rex and I continued to see each other again, but now openly.

Seasons ran from one to the other while Rex created his own habitual routines of breaking up with me when it suited him to see other girls. Then conveniently he would just pick up with our relationship where he had left off. Salomi was a particularly beautiful teenager about three years older than me and he would keep breaking up with me to go out with her and then come back to me again later. This form of rejection wreaked havoc with my heart and emotions. Everything seems so much worse as a teenager and I seemed to be no exception. I was on an emotional roller coaster in a downward direction without any brakes and hating the ride altogether.

Life seemed pointless without Rex, whom I loved with all my heart. Suicidal thoughts overshadowed me and heartache, rejection and loneliness climaxed to such an extent that I reached for every box of tablets in the medicine cabinet at home. Without knowing what tablets they were, I swallowed them all with fervor; my thoughts fixated on Rex and not being able to be with him. Breaking up and making up, all the time at his leisure was just too much for me to cope with. I felt second in line and that he didn’t really love me, but just kept me on a string as a last resort, for when things didn’t work with Salomi.

“What’s wrong with me? Why is he hurting me like this?” I questioned. “Salomi is definitely the one he wants. I just know it!” I wrestled with all my emotions that were stuffed within me. “He doesn’t love me anymore,” I concluded, weeping silently in my room.

I went and lay on my bed and closed my eyes in the hope that I would never open them again. “I need him to be happy and I can’t live without him.” Those were the wild and crazy thoughts that flooded my mind as I fell asleep.

The sound of the vacuum cleaner roaring in the lounge woke me up. Just as the day dawned, so did I only to find that I was still alive. I opened my eyes into the bright rays of sunlight shining across the room on my face. Somehow I was still alive, but felt dead inside. That dark cloud hovering over me only grew larger and larger as the days passed.

“How was this possible? I swallowed all of them!” I was quite sickened with the flavor in my mouth and taste of the tablets that I had gulped down the day before, still lingering in my system.

“Aaaaaah, my head hurts and feels like it’s going to explode.” I moaned aloud. I had slept for many hours, but suddenly realized that I was again facing my reality. I expected the tablets to have ended it all, the pain and heartache to finally stop. He crushed my heart over and over and I felt that he loved Salomi and wanted her, but when he couldn’t have her, he would ‘click his fingers’, and I would always be there. The problem is, I couldn’t say no to him, he was the desire of my heart and so I kept allowing him back into my life again, and again.

With a broken heart, my mind continued in a state of confusion about what to make of all this as I searched for some form of happiness. I desperately needed something to help me loose those desires for him always forcefully pulling at my heart and mind.

An escape from emotional pain was nowhere nearby so I began to inhale Spray ‘n Cook, a household kitchen chemical, which made me high. Instead of using the spray on baking tins to prevent cakes sticking to the tins, I used it to stop my mind from sticking to Rex every moment of the day. Much later, I would wake up lying on the kitchen floor without recollection of anything after inhalation. Moments of solitude gave me the perfect opportunity to play this one a few times, until I heard that someone had died from doing this.

My life felt like I was in the center of a powerful heavyweight tumbler wave, spinning me around out of control and in every direction. Just when I thought I was going to die, it pounded me against the shore to face my reality.

I sought out a local weed merchant in the hope of smothering what I felt about myself and all the emotions related to Rex. Sneaking into a nearby school, when no-one else was in sight, I smoked a whole ‘boat’ on my own with all the seeds still inside – not knowing anything about how to prepare it. All I heard was the crackling of the seeds and I knew I had done it wrong, but I continued. It was only much later on that I awoke on a friend’s couch, not knowing how I got there.

Smoking weed became something I did regularly at the lowest and most secluded area of our property. My parents had a back garden with four levels including the level of the house. The garden led into an isolated part right at the bottom where I sat in an elevated state of mind from the weed. I was constantly attempting to numb my feelings which left blanks of unremembered periods. Time and time again I found myself drawn down there to be alone, in the hope of extinguishing my reality.

Rex breezed in and out of my life like the wind and before I knew it, he was gone again. I had an extreme tugging toward the night life of the city, in a subconscious attempt to find someone to replace Rex in my heart and suppress these feelings I had for him. A strange thing happened though; Salomi began befriending me and then started visiting me. She was a bit crazy and it began rubbing off on me. I wasn’t sure why she came knocking on my door, but since we both had Rex in common and both radicals wanting to party, we started hanging out. She was older and very beautiful, so she would lead the way and we’d get into the adult disco clubs without being questioned. She was a strange one and swung both ways. She introduced me to a close lesbian friend who later mentioned that they had been an item. I don’t think Rex knew about this as he couldn’t keep away from her. She also told me weird stories about the dark side and the things she had been involved in, something I had no desire to tamper with. On one occasion, in an attempt to fulfill the void inside, I obtained sleeping pills from a lodger staying at our house and placed these in my parents’ tea, so that Salomi and I could sneak out and party the night away.

Getting out had been carefully planned, but something triggered dad and he was waiting for us on our return. As I fumbled around trying to unlock the front door in a tipsy state, suddenly the lights came on and dad opened the door for us. I was in deep trouble to say the least.

In between Rex embracing me and then discarding me so often, I started to see other guys. Subconsciously I was led by the need to have a boyfriend in my life so I could feel wanted or accepted. I thought that sex was love, and I so desperately wanted someone in my life. I threw my heart and emotions towards them, as I thought that this would console me after having to work through the emotional lows from Rex breaking up with me so he could “get with” other girls. My relationships didn’t last very long because Rex couldn’t stand the thought of anyone else being with me. He wouldn’t hesitate to beat up or frighten away any guy I had been dating or that had shown any interest in me.

One such situation totally caught me off guard as my boyfriend, Matthew, and I were at the drive-in having a pleasant and romantic evening enjoying a movie together. He was a good guy, level headed and I really enjoyed his company. During the intermission, we went to purchase a few goodies and as Matthew stepped out of the shop, just a foot ahead of me, “Wham!” a fist connected with his face from somewhere in the darkness.

“Wham!” another blow came again, hitting Matthew to the floor. Then from the light protruding out of the shop entrance, I saw two guys attacking Matthew. The one had a very large figure and the second guy had quite a slender build.

“What. . .What are you doing?” Matthew shouted out, gasping for his breath.

“She is mine! Leave her if you want to stay alive!” I recognized Rex’s voice.

A full-on street fight took place between the three of them; Matthew was out-numbered but trying to hold his ground. I recognized the big guy as Raymond, someone who really took his body building seriously, with muscles bulging with no effort at all. Matthew used to do karate and had reached the level of brown belt I think, so he was able to defend himself, but I didn’t know for how long he could keep it up.

The next thing I knew I was grabbed and thrown into the middle of this lot. “You choose! It’s your decision!” Rex shouted at me more than once. “Him, or me?” Rex asked in front of everyone, now congregated outside the shop to watch the fight.

I was forced to make a decision right then and there, knowing full well that Rex would not accept it or back down if I decided to go with Matthew.

I walked towards Rex and with each step I was convinced that Matthew was being humiliated. He could get over feeling embarrassed, but had I chosen him, Rex would have killed him.

“I knew you would choose me,” Rex said with a wide smile. “You know I love you and you love me too. We were meant to be together, just forget about him. It’s me you really want and only I can really make you happy,” he said in a smooth manner, determined to convince me. “Matthew was trying his luck with you! Did he really think I would let this ride!” he muttered.

I gathered from his statement that he knew Matthew, but I wasn’t clear exactly on how he knew him.

“But you broke up with me!” I retorted. “What am I supposed to do, just sit around waiting for you to decide to come back to me each time, after you’ve been with other girls enjoying yourself,” I added.

“He will be sorry! This is not finished!” he concluded, his grip on my life now firmer than ever before.

Concerned for Matthew and what Rex might do to follow up from this fight, I backed down and moved away from the subject. I felt extremely bad about Matthew and also felt like a large piece of my heart had been left behind with Matthew, as we climbed onto Rex’s motorbike. I was so embarrassed about the situation as well and didn’t know how I was going to explain this to my parents, or how I might react with Matthew’s family, if I ever saw them again. They were such a sweet family and his mum had even taken me to her church one Sunday.

Rex and I started holding a more regular relationship, but never without some massive clash, and it was usually just before the weekend. It was a pattern I saw develop to keep me from being with him when he was planning on doing something without me. He would go out with his friends, get drunk and find some reason to start a fight. Blood usually flowed from someone, including himself, staining any new item of clothing. Gang fights, police chases, stabbings and drunken motorbike accidents, were some of the following day’s discussions about the activities that had taken place the night before.

Things were really looking brighter on the whole since we began spending so much more time together, and my heart melted for him once again. I was always listening out for the sound of his motorbike arriving at the gate and we would spend hours talking on the phone, if he wasn’t around at my house. I hardly gave any attention to my school work and nothing else seemed to matter to me except hearing from him.

Chapter Four

Abortion?/Jail?

During the December school holidays, while working a part-time job at the same nursery school that my sisters attended, I experienced quite a lot of severe pain in my bladder area and so I paid a visit to our family doctor. His results proved I was pregnant and he telephoned my mother directly to inform her. Subsequently my mother contacted me to discuss her shocking news, but prepped herself to speak as calmly as possible.

“Debbie, I’ve received a phone call from the doctor concerning your blood test results. You are pregnant! We will discuss this all together tonight and you had better tell Rex that dad wants to see him personally.”

That night at home things were very uneasy and it felt like you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. I heard dad and mom discussing me in their bedroom, the door half-cocked.

“My daughter will not have a baby when she is a baby herself,” dad exploded. “She is only fourteen! How can she possibly raise a child when she can hardly take care of herself?” He was growing more adamant in his standing.

“Let’s just think this one through,” Mom said. I sensed that she was afraid I’d pull another disappearing act.

“If Debbie goes ahead with it I will have Rex jailed for Statutory Rape of a Minor.” Dad’s voice was raised to a high-pitched fervor! “It’s just a seed at this point in time; it hasn’t yet become a baby. There is nothing to think about, she is not having this baby!” he concluded. “It has to happen now!” he decided.

The next morning mom came into my room speaking softly, “Debs, I just want you to know that whether you have the baby or not, whatever you decide, I will stand by you.” She was letting me know where she stands on the issue, but it didn’t help the fact that my dad was absolutely against me having this baby and he wasn’t about to back down.

For a few days we rode one tidal wave to the next in the rough seas of emotional turmoil, knowing what my dad had said, and yet, I felt a very strong desire to have this baby. I had really hoped my dad would change his mind and by some miraculous intervention, things would turn out okay. The idea of this helpless tiny little baby growing inside of me, seemed to call out to me to protect it and the very thought of having to abort the baby made me cringe.

One night Rex came over to meet with my parents and discuss the situation. Standing in our lounge with an awkward silence, it seemed like all were rehearsing in their thoughts what to say.

Breaking the silence, Dad started at Rex, “So what are you going to say for yourself Rex?” Dad questioned him intently and slowing his voice down, he asked, “What are you going to do now?”

“I will marry her,” Rex quickly responded, implying that he had it all worked out already.

“No, you will not marry her!” Dad exclaimed. “She is too young; she’s just turned fourteen years old!” He sounded desperate and was trying to protect my destiny of which now looked somewhat bleak. My father battled to accept pregnancy for his little girl and had thought through a plan for the baby to be aborted.

After another very uncomfortable moment of silence, he spoke up cementing his stand with Rex and framed every word of his intension with firmness and clarity.

“Let me tell you what’s going to happen. I am going to charge you with statutory rape of a minor, if Debbie doesn’t take the tablets that will be arranged for her.”

Standing alongside Rex, we clutched hands as Rex just gave a few slight nods, indicating his full comprehension of what had now been decided.

Walking outside to discuss this scenario with me privately, Rex hesitantly began, “Look, we won’t be together if I’m sent to chucky (prison). I really want you to think very carefully about this decision, because I don’t think it’s going to help either you or me, if I’m sitting in jail,” Rex pleaded. “I really think that you should seriously consider taking those tablets,” he insisted.

Rex didn’t favor the idea of being imprisoned and neither did I want him to be. I was left without a choice, if Rex and I were ever going to be able to still see each other again, I would have to take the tablets.

A day or so later I was issued with the tablets that I was immediately to start taking at intervals and they were to destroy the contents of my womb. I had spent days pondering and discussing this life growing on the inside of me, but my hands were tied and I could do absolutely nothing to stop this process from taking place. I somehow knew that there was a bigger purpose for this tiny little baby whose heart must be beating already, since I was almost certain I was over twenty days pregnant.

That evening was one of the longest nights of my entire life. I lay on my bed crying bitterly from the depth of my heart for the life of this unborn baby; so fragile inside. I wept so much that I could barely open my eyes with the swelling of my face from weeping, my eyesight blurred from the continuous river of tears.

I tossed and turned all night as I called upon a God whom I didn’t know myself, but had buried deep inside my sub-conscience, an understanding that God was Jesus. I recalled the childhood bedtime prayer ritual that Mom had taught me from a book of prayers that I used to pray just before falling asleep every night. This prayer was all about keeping each person in the family safe, ‘in Jesus name’. So I reached out to God in prayer and said these words, “Lord Jesus if you are out there, don’t let this baby inside me die. Don’t let these tablets work! Please, I beg you! I beg you Jesus, don’t let these tablets work. If you are God, then you can do anything, please don’t let these tablets work.” I begged and pleaded with God all night over and over again, unable to sleep.

Miracles do happen as the baby continued to grow inside of me unharmed by the tablets. Because I had been obedient to take the tablets that had been issued to me, dad never pursued charges against Rex. Being pregnant of course ended my “school years” at the end of my first year of high school.

God had done an amazing thing and this little baby had escaped death, so I decided that I would do everything within my power to protect it and bring it up to the best of my abilities. Unfortunately, during the term of pregnancy Rex became erratic with obsessive behavior towards me. This season brought upheaval and trauma, the degree to which I had never even heard of. Rex’s constant barrage of suspicious inquisition into my sexual relationships with those past boyfriends during his convenient break-up episodes with me was unbearable. He would pressurize me without relent until eventually, I would give in and he would find out that some of his suspicions were true. He would become so angry with me that he would punch my head against the wall. At first he was very careful to pound me where the marks were not visible to others and furiously strangled me to the point of almost passing out. Punching me in the stomach often left me anxiously rushing for check-ups to find out if the baby was still alive within me.

Rex was unemployed for most of my pregnancy and had too much time on his hands, when it seemed like all he would do all day was to mull over me and my past. The cycle of questioning for explicit details hounded his every visit to my home, where behind the closed door of my bedroom, he would unleash his fury over the fact that I had been with others beside him. Fearing the baby within me was experiencing the pain rushing through my body every day, I secretly decided not to answer him truthfully during his continued interrogations, in hopes that the beatings would stop. The types of questions he would raise every day inevitably would be like opening up a can of worms throwing him into the ever-raging crazy zone. His temper changed in a flash, simultaneously with his lightning fast fists. With the regular knocking of my head against the wall, it seemed to be affecting my memory, my thoughts merging and fusing, the days rolling into months and I was unable to awake from this nightmare.

The magnitude of my fear became so intense that anxiety took over my every thought as Rex graphically described what he intended to do to any guy I had ever been with. He shared specifics of what he intended to do to their sexual organs and how he was going to end their life. These gruesome warnings filled my soul with gripping fear as he painted verbal pictures of every detail he was planning.

I endured the beatings and concealed the bruises with all kinds of cover up stories. Dad and Mom couldn’t hear the punching and kicking I was experiencing right there under their own roof as the television in the lounge was always blaring. On top of that noise was the loud music in my room that muffled my agonizing cries.

During my pregnancy, my mother displayed support for whatever choice I chose to make regarding the new life inside me. She made odd comments that adoption was an option, later mentioning that they may consider adopting the baby if it was a boy. I realized that it had crossed her mind that maybe it could somehow console her for the loss of her own baby boy that she had miscarried when I was about seven years old.

Pregnancy was meant to be an enjoyable experience and women talk about their skin glowing and having preferential treatment, but it could not have been further from the truth for me. I had extreme morning sickness for far longer than many; it lasted months longer. I was not sure if it was a result of the turmoil I was enduring, but I lost ten kilograms (about twenty-two pounds) in my first three months and even after I had delivered my baby I was still ten kilograms lighter than when I had become pregnant. I felt nausea all the time and couldn’t understand why they called it morning sickness when I was sick all day long. After the morning sickness subsided, immediately the heartburn began. I went through boxes of Rennies (an acid neutralizer) mainly during the course of the evenings. It was awful, dreadful, and unbearable and I couldn’t wait for it all to be over.

I continued working back at the nursery school, a full time temporary position created for me in order to help gather a bit of finances to buy those essential things for the baby. In my last month of pregnancy I stopped working, unable to bend and properly work with the little children any longer, due to the huge belly and awkwardness of the final stage of pregnancy. I began to spend most days with Rex and his family over at their home, since he still lived with his folks. There was not much really I could do except lay watching television, although I would jump at every opportunity that arose to get out of the house. With no car available, I would walk for kilometers to get anywhere, preparing my body for the birthing.

During my last month of pregnancy, I really got to know Rex’s mother and family a lot better. His dad was a hard character, always debating and regularly going outside to light a joint of weed to calm down. He would vegetate in front of the television every night watching repeat videos after arriving home from his job on the Railways. His Mom didn’t mind the weed and said that she felt that it calmed him compared to the years prior when she would constantly receive a beating.

While she cleaned the kitchen one morning, she opened up about her husband. “Before he started the weed, he drank terribly and all the finances would go on alcohol,” she explained. “We struggled many times with barely anything left from his salary and even at Christmas. He was a very violent person and the alcohol just made it worse. I’ll never forget how his mother and sister used to hold me down so that he could beat me.” She whispered all this to me so that nobody overheard her.

This information was too shocking for words, as she was a foster-care parent of two children running round her legs, sometimes three of them. This was the last thing I expected her to share about her life. She was a good woman from what I could see, but knew well how to swear like a sailor. This was something I was not accustomed to in my family.

She definitely kept the family together but usually focused on keeping the “old man” happy. She jumped to every instruction he hollered. She was loud spoken and sounded like she really had to fight for everything she had in life, which wasn’t much as they lived in poverty from hand to mouth and even the roof over their heads was provided by the Railways.

Rex had two brothers and two sisters. Both his brothers were more stable thinking than he was and one of them actually tried to protect me from him during another out-burst of Rex’s angry tantrums. In the bathroom and backend of his parents’ home, Rex landed a few punches to my very thin body, and his concerned brother interfered after overhearing what was taking place. A fight suddenly broke out between them as a result and the two of them climbed into each other as the fight progressed into the kitchen where the table went flying across the room. They shifted the fight outside. It was terrible to see brothers fight like that but I was thankful that somebody had intervened that day.

The men in the house spoke fluently about boxing and the history and about street fighting and all their experiences. This was the most common type of discussion that went on between them. His one sister was also accustomed to fighting and would threaten anybody who looked too long in her direction. She was quite beautiful though and with reason some would take a longer look at her, only to get a mouthful from her when she noticed. She knew how to handle herself, growing up with three brothers.

It seemed like Rex was always trying to win his dad’s approval, but his mom would do just about anything for him. One of the discussions with her that I could never shake off, and constantly harassed me because of Rex’s threats later, were her words when she said, “If anyone ever in my family were to commit suicide, the most likely one would be Rex and it’s always been a concern of mine.”

“When Rex was just a boy, his dad would come home drunk at night; going into his room to wake him up, he would pick him up and throw him against the wall shouting at him,” she explained.

Even though such great decisions and responsibility faced me, Rex continued his unpredictable behavior, whereby he almost chopped off my thumb with a very sharp kitchen knife one day in a heated up dispute. The insecurity in Rex was blatant, although I didn’t understand at the time and he began to resort to mental manipulation if he thought that I was thinking of leaving him.

“I love you so much and can’t live without you.” Rex started, slowly and calculating, he continued. “You know, if you ever had to leave me, I would kill myself. I’d kill you first, and then kill myself.” His threats sounded very convincing. Recalling what his mother had said previously concerning suicide, I immediately believed him without question. I began to feel his ropes of control around me tighten.

Although the minor contractions were an all-day experience, as we were leaving for the hospital for a clearer overview of my situation, Rex unexpectedly kicked me right in my back, angered at some trivial matter which undoubtedly sped up the labor to only two hours of proper contractions. I gave birth to this perfectly formed little baby boy, who we named Danny. By some miracle, I had carried him to full term. He was the most precious thing I had ever seen. He had amazing blue eyes and was strong enough to lift his head up from the very first night he was born. Being only fourteen years old, I knew nothing of how to handle a newborn and began my training at the hospital on how to breastfeed, change diapers and bath my little bundle of joy.

Chapter Five

Obsession

Hoping one day that we would be a normal family, now that Danny was here, I pressed ahead trying to focus Rex on our new reason to live. There was some measure of distraction now from all Rex could think about in the past, but I became an obsession of his, which was very hard for me to understand.

His obsession however steadily grew and eventually I found myself in a place where I felt completely smothered with all his irrational rules. I was not allowed to ever swim at the beach as guys would then be able to see my body when I wore a swimming suit. I wasn’t allowed to wear make-up when I wasn't with him or wear trousers unless I was with him. Shorts were definitely not permitted as he didn't want anyone to see my legs either.

I couldn't smoke, drink alcohol or take any drugs; this, however, was the only good influence he ever had on me. He dictated every decision to be made and I was isolated from my friends. Any past friendships were discouraged until they no longer featured in my life anymore. I certainly was not allowed to talk to anyone of the male gender unless it was for a genuine reason like serving me at the store. I had better not prolong the conversation with them as this would incur a beating. I usually rushed any conversations or avoided them altogether.

After being a year off from school to give birth to Danny, it was now time to return to my education. Not knowing how to move forward and not being allowed back at school because of the baby, I had mixed feelings about the situation and whether or not I was capable of picking up on committed studies. My mom managed to arrange for me to go to college, even though I was the youngest enrollee they ever had. My course was Standard 7, 8, 9 and 10 (ten being the highest school level before one goes off to university). This however did not go well with Rex.

“I'll take care of you; you don't need to go back to studying.” Even though he tried to persuade me not to proceed, he wasn’t able to stop me. Since my mom was just as adamant about me getting an education as Rex was about me not attending. He held himself back, a bit cautious about clashing with my mom since she held the keys to being allowed to see me. His real problem was his own insecurity, fearing that I would find somebody else there and leave him.

While disturbed and frustrated at the situation one evening, he came into my room and he threatened me saying, “I will come to that college and absolutely destroy you, if I see you talking to any guy. I don’t care who they are!” He thrust his wrist up against my neck, forcing my head up against the wall. “I’ll come there when you least expect it! You better just keep looking over your shoulder, because I’m watching you very closely. I think I’m going to get people there to keep me informed of what you up to,” he hammered in the last nail to the beam which dangled his sword above my head.

The threats were just terrible and they were not empty threats either. He arrived unexpectedly on various occasions. One such time he just entered the canteen during my lunch break to check on me and another time his arrival was so obvious. He rode into the college grounds with his motorbike revving it loudly, skidding in circles and then coming straight for me.

“Get those stockings off!” he shouted, as he climbed off his motorbike. While still in disbelief over what was unfolding before my eyes, he ran over to me and literally cut them off my legs with his flick knife. “You f-cking wh-re! You F-cking C-nt! You just think you can wear whatever you like when I’m not with you.” Rex swore at me, calling me the most vulgar degrading names in front of everyone. “You P-ss! You wh-re! Just wait for tonight, you gonna get it!” He carried on trying to crush me completely with his words and his humiliating behavior.

Although I had not been doing anything wrong, he noticed that I was wearing some fishnet stockings that day and it had maddened him. The bystanders were horrified and dispersed quickly. Needless to say Rex made his impression on them and I was avoided like the plague for a while. It didn't then need any explanation when I came to college with bruises around my neck and face. Some of them knew about him and his reputation already, now putting two and two together after this scene; they remembered me when they saw him out at parties making out with other girls.

The up side of this (if an upside was even possible) was that he could barely hide anything from me now since so many of them at college could identify us as a couple and would make a point of updating me as to where they had seen Rex and with whom. He would always deny it though and mostly convince me that they were confusing him with somebody else. According to him, they were just lying because they wanted us to break up.

I really loved him and was blinded by many of the things he said and did, because I so much wanted to believe him and I saw the side of him that sometimes peeped out. There really was a side of him that was quite caring at times and hoped I would see more of it, now that Danny was around. But the reports kept coming and I began feeling betrayed and also humiliated because everyone knew him and what he was doing behind my back.

Later Rex lessened his partying but when he celebrated, he only knew how to party hard and create a scene. Almost every time, if I went along with him, once he was under the influence, he would find a reason to humiliate me publicly, swearing, punching and even kicking me. Nobody would even try and help me or stand up for me, because they knew who he was. They would all just watch as he spit on me, cursed me, and beat me, not daring to interfere because they were scared that they would be next in line for a thrashing.

He was paranoid about men wanting me and if any guy stared at me it would anger him and he would begin fighting with me, implying that I had done something to cause it. If any guy said anything to me, it would flip him over altogether and a fight would brew.

One day his sister and I were waiting for him outside a disco by arrangement, and some holiday makers were walking on the opposite side of the road. This lot called out something and not paying attention to them nor clearly hearing what they had said, it left me with the impression they had shouted something to Rex’s sister and suddenly, “Boof!” Rex appeared from nowhere and kicked me in the stomach and again blamed me for their remarks.

Almost instantly I always forgave Rex every time. He knew this subconsciously and yet continued to bring me shame, humiliation and public degradation. I felt worthless as Rex continually reminded me about my ex-boyfriends.

In the year I turned seventeen, my final year of college, we got engaged. We made a big party around this and I thought that our relationship would somehow improve since we were engaged and much closer to being married.

In my mind, I was resigned to the fact that I had made my bed and now I needed to sleep in it. At least I loved him and somehow I was just sure he would eventually change. I tried to convince myself of these things regularly.

He responded with explosive anger if there were any glances to other men like the day he almost hit me off the back of his motorbike because he thought I looked at someone at a traffic light. This resulted in me walking with my head down and eyes to the ground in case I saw someone I knew that might wish to talk to me. Out of fear I would unfortunately have to ignore them. If anyone honked their car in the street, I definitely wouldn't look up to see who was hitting the horn, as Rex would assume I was interested at someone flirting with me. Like a volcano erupting, he would let me know of his dissatisfaction with me.

“I'm going to test you and get my friends to honk at you and if you look up, you going to get it!” His threats were serious and he controlled every area of my life. Even being a bit late would throw him (and me) into a frenzy. I remember one particular time when I was walking briskly through Durban City and I heard Rex shouting out at the top of his voice.

“Debbie! Debbie!” With urgent agitation; his body language spoke before he reached me. My heart began to race and skipped a beat knowing I was a bit late and there were going to be repercussions. At that point I hurried across Old Fort Road in Durban, a very large four lane road and he ran toward me in the face of oncoming traffic. He thrust his pointy Jarmin shoe into my stomach and hurled obscenities at me.

“I've been looking all over for you! You late! Get home!” He dictated this in front of all the on looking traffic that had halted at the traffic lights. So humiliated publicly, the feelings of shame swallowed me for I was degraded like a piece of trash and kicked around for everyone to see.

Rex’s insecurity soared and with that so did the culminating beatings. His ever growing frantic and erratic behavior produced a life of panic and dread and I lived in silent fear. I felt like I was a toy doll puppet on strings which moved according to his demands and looked and acted the way he wanted it to, without any identity of my own. I was a doll that he could take out and put away whenever he wanted to; one that he could display on his cabinet, his possession to treat how he chose. I was merely an ornament without a voice and because I had no voice, I suffered in silence.

I couldn’t open up to anyone except my dear friend Evelyn, whom I had met at college. She became my very closest friend during my college years but then we lost contact largely due to Rex. She knew about Rex from other sources and she couldn’t understand why I was with him. Even when I spoke of some of the horrors I had been through, she realized that I would never leave him, because of my extreme fear. She could see right through him and that he had complete control over me in every way and so she gave up suggesting that I leave him because her words fell on my deaf ears.

One day I dared to open up to someone else who was in one of my college classes. She had started questioning me about the very large, obvious bruising she had noticed around my neck. Somehow, shortly thereafter, she actually met up with Rex personally at a night club. She commented to me the next day, “I can’t believe that Rex is the person you described, he looks too small to do what you said and I thought after speaking to him, that he was a really nice guy.”

Obviously she too had been caught off guard just like I had been on our first meeting. But I was absolutely dumbfounded that she didn’t believe me after seeing the bruises herself. I totally closed up, too scared to answer people’s questions about the bruises anymore. He really knew how to smooth talk women when he wanted to and how to get them eating out of his hand.

My college years were almost up and my plan was soon I’d be working and life would be different with Rex. I spent a great deal of personal energy trying to convince myself and hoping change would come.

As I completed all four standards of education in only two years at college, I finished a whole year before the girls that were in my former school class did. It was such an achievement considering I had taken a whole year off my education, had breastfed for the first year of college and yet still had a little one waking up through the night. While it had been very challenging, I made it!

I finished with good marks, and before long I secured my first full-time job at the age of seventeen and with my first pay check, I purchased my first stove in preparation for our new home. Life was going to get better, I just knew it!

Chapter Six

I must flee the Country

After college I was thrilled to start working. Some months later, Rex went off to do some studies of his own up in Johannesburg. This helped me to relax to some degree and during this period of his absence, things that had been buried deep down in my subconscious mind began to surface without control.

In the quiet moments, my mind began replaying some of the very horrific scenes where Rex had beaten me up and publically humiliated me. I just couldn't free myself from these memories and would see them replay in my head daily. These images were imprinted in my mind and finally I realized that Rex didn't really love me; he was only obsessed with me. His actions toward me were predominantly controlling, aggressive, violent and very little of anything resembling love. I began to realize that I didn’t really love Rex anymore either and that I was just in utter fear of him and that he actually destroyed the sincere love I once held for him by abusing me.

Day by day I grew colder in my heart and wanted to leave him. These feelings were so strong that I began to take risks that I would never have dreamed of taking before. With very low self-esteem, as a result of the verbal degradation and the feelings of utter worthlessness that came with the regular barrage of being beaten down daily, I questioned if I ever left Rex and survived, would anyone ever be able to love me.

In a moment of clarity, I decided one way or another, that I was going to leave him or otherwise he would eventually kill me.

I met some new friends at work, a job I had just started after leaving the previous position to obtain a better salary. Taking a bit too much alcohol one evening, I opened up to Mel, one of my work colleagues about the horrors I was living under and she became determined to help me. “Not even your job is worth keeping, just go, get out of here!” She was insistent. “Run away girl; run away, and don’t look back!”

“How can I do this?” My mind was whirling. Where would I go? Everybody knew him! I couldn’t hide from him because he knew so many people in the underworld. Actually he also had so many contacts at higher levels because of his boxing career. He’d find me in a flash!

“Maybe you can flee the country. He won’t find you in England,” she suggested.

“I don't know anyone in England.” I was not quite sure about any of this.

“Well Craig, one of the accountants at work, is immigrating to England permanently. He will be sharing a house and the costs with a few other people, so that he can first get on his feet there,” she explained.

“How will that help me? I can’t just go there.” She was confusing my already mixed-up mind.

“You can if he marries you.” Shrugging her shoulders she just smiled at me.

Shocked by her suggestion, I shrieked, “What, are you crazy?”

“Maybe he will do it as a favor for you,” her voice sped up as she began to get excited with the sudden glimmer of hope from this slight possibility.

“He has a British Passport,” she whispered.

“It’s like gold, and that would open the door for you into England and away from that mad man. I will tell Craig your situation and I know he likes you, so he may try and help you get there.” She spoke with a confidence that I did not possess.

A few days later, after Mel had already spoken to Craig, Craig and I went for a pub lunch together to discuss this situation in more detail. He listened carefully, and I could see that our acquaintance as colleagues had developed into more of a friendship and now he was seriously considering this big step of marriage with me, in order to help me flee the country and get away from Rex. We discussed the possibility of getting married and then once we had settled down in England we would begin divorce proceedings.

“This country is too small for Rex and me. If I had to leave him and stay in this country, he would not rest until he found me, come hell or high water.” I told him. “If I leave him, I have to leave the country, because he will kill me,” I exclaimed, raising my voice and almost shouting to be heard above the music blaring from the speaker nearby.

“What about your son?” he questioned.

Without any hesitation in my voice I responded, “He will be coming with me of course!”

A few days later Craig shared with me that he had discussed the situation we were considering, with a lawyer friend of his, and also concerning the matter of my son. His friend had advised him not to marry me due to child maintenance issues that could arise from this. We didn't know each other well enough to be sure that I would not try and take him for a ride or expect him to have to pay support for my son later, when we got divorced in England.

He suggested that I still obtain a Working Visa and head over to England where he would help me with accommodation and anything else I needed. My thoughts about escaping to England grew stronger and stronger. If I intended to leave the country I would need a substantial amount of finances to pay for our air tickets and enough to last until I started receiving a salary.

This time I spoke to my mom, and let her into a little bit of my world with Rex. I shared with her my intention to run away, but didn't know where I could run to that Rex would not be able to find me. Very concerned for me she thought it through quite thoroughly and then contacted me to say that she had spoken to her lifelong and very dear friend, Esther. She spoke about us going and staying with her on the farm where she had a business and was living just outside Johannesburg. Esther and her partner owned a company that made hot air balloons. I could go and work for them as a receptionist, until something else opens up for me to be able to save enough to hopefully leave the country.

The debate raged in my mind for several days. If I didn't do this I would definitely meet death at a young age. If I do this and he caught me, I’d be dead meat guaranteed.

After thinking of this plan from every angle, I finally decided, either way I’m dead, so I might as well make a run for it and hope that he never finds me on that farm. The decision was so liberating just knowing that I was finally going to be free from Rex. I went out partying till early hours of the morning with my work colleagues, dancing the night away, and just having fun; feeling like a bird let out of its cage. I said good-bye to my work colleagues, job, old life and worries I had been carrying for so many years. It felt so good to go with them knowing that Rex was so very far away and since I had decided to leave him anyway, I cast off all restraint, not caring if any of his friends saw me.

I fled Durban shortly after making the decision and being released from my obligation at my job to work my contractual notice period. All was in order to get out of Durban as quickly as possible.

While traveling up to Johannesburg by bus, my thoughts were all about freedom. Finally I could start again with a brand new life and where nobody knows me or Rex. It was an entire day’s journey on the road, with my little two-year old who was not used to sitting still for more than a few minutes at a time.

There were moments when I began to perspire and panic arose when a flood of thoughts would overtake my mind. Suddenly I was facing the reality that I had actually left Rex.

Wiping the perspiration off the palms of my hands I remember thinking how I had better make this work because neither the hospital nor the morgue was where I wanted to end up.

Finally I arrived in Johannesburg and my mom's friend Esther, greeted us and took us back to her quaint little cottage in the region of the Lanseria Airport. Esther had prepared a lovely room for us and almost bent over backwards to make us feel welcome. Our room had two single beds with a big wooden cupboard, a table with a lamp-stand and everything decorated with frilly white linen with blue edging. The room was beautiful and so very cottage style. That night we unpacked a bit and then sat together for dinner. We turned in early for bed that night totally exhausted from the stress of our sudden departure, my inner fears and our day-long journey.

Danny slept on his separate bed, so sound asleep and oblivious to this huge escape we had just made and how different our lives would be now. I watched him closely, stroking his hair with an inner satisfaction that things were going to be better now that we were out of Rex's clutches.

Climbing into bed and positioning my head for a good sleep, I thought to myself how comfortable the bed felt. I felt safe being so far away from Rex. He would definitely not find me on this farm out in the middle of nowhere. I closed my eyes and immediately dropped off to sleep.

“I will get our driver to take you to any interviews you secure, just let me know in advance the dates and times and I will arrange it for you,” Esther said to me while handing me a huge cup of tea and a saucer of Ouma Rusks. “I would just appreciate you taking care of our reception in the office of our ballooning company while you phone around and book interviews for yourself.” She was very gently confirming that I’ll be working for them as their receptionist during this interim period, which was great, as it meant that I would have some funds available for what I needed.

Esther was a pretty brunette with wavy hair and a confident nature. She was a very caring woman in her late thirties, who seemed quite determined to help me get through this big ordeal in my life. She worked as a freelancer in computer graphics while also supporting her partner in their hot air balloon business. She would, also wake up very early to make a champagne breakfast for those going up for a hot air balloon ride and then rush off to her job in Johannesburg an hour away. The business handmade and sold the hot air balloons by order.

The weather there was quite strange and most days it got so hot that it rained in the afternoons with a very hard downfall for about ten minutes. Then as quickly as the rain came, it would disappear and the sun would shine and then the clouds would all be gone.

“It's so peaceful out here,” I said to Esther sitting and watching her partner playing with Danny on the lawn outside, throwing a ball to each other. “It still hasn't hit me properly, that I'm free from Rex,” I added.

“Well, you and Danny are safe here and you can stay as long as it takes to find yourself a job and to get yourself on your feet.” Esther spoke with a big hearty smile on her face.

The phone rang and Esther went to answer it,

“Debs, It’s your mum wanting a word with you,” she called out to me.

“Debbie, I had a very stressful and tiring evening with Rex and his whole family at our house last night. They were trying to get information out of us concerning your whereabouts. I've told them that you have left Rex and also left the country and gone to England.” My mom shouted through a bad phone connection.

“How did Rex take it?” I asked her.

“As we expected, he's frantic and promised he will find you. He said he will sell his car for an air ticket to go to England to find you,” She explained. “Don’t worry about it, we will not tell him where you are, under any circumstances and he’s not going to be able to find you in England either.” She tried to sound confident and strong to calm my nerves.

“Mom, I know Rex will not take this without a fight,” I insisted.

“Let's just take one day at a time, and I will keep in touch to find out how you are doing and how the job hunting is going.” Our conversation ended rather abruptly but I knew she was just pleased that I was now safe.

Daily I searched the newspaper for jobs while doing a few light duties around the office. I went on a few interviews during the week but I was looking for the right job and not rushing into just any position that arose. Eventually I decided upon a secretarial position in Primrose and it was agreed that I would start there at the beginning of the following month. Days became weeks and weeks turned into months as I enjoyed the peace of being far away from the city and Rex.

My parents tried their utmost during this time to conceal my whereabouts but eventually Rex manipulated my dad through suicidal threats, into telling him that I had not in fact left the country, just that I had left him. Rex therefore invested everything into finding me nationally and had everyone he knew trying to find me too. He managed to get a reverse charges call traced to the exact location of where I was staying and he contacted me to tell me that he is coming for me. Of course he knew the right people working at the telecommunications company to carry out this process.

My face went pale from shock and body froze, when I answered the phone to hear, “Debbie I told you I would find you if you ever left me. I'm not going to hurt you, I just want to come and speak to you, face to face. Please let me just come and see you and Danny. I promise I won't do anything to you. I can't live without you. I'm dying inside and out and haven't even been able to eat. All I can think about is you. You are my life and I just want you back and will do anything to get you back. Please let me come and collect you so that I can hold you again.” Over and over Rex pleaded on the phone.

“Was that him?” Esther questioned.

“Yes, he is coming here,” I answered.

“What!” Shocked with hearing my answer, she further enquired, “Did you tell him where you are?”

“No, he found me through some reverse phone call that I had made for Danny to speak to Rex’s mother.” I had received a pleading message through my mom for Rex’s mother to just hear Danny’s voice. “Well, it must have been a trick,” I tried to explain.

“I can’t believe he found you here. You can’t be seriously thinking of going back to him, are you?” Esther was genuinely concerned for me.

“I don’t know what to do.” The tears were welling up in my eyes.

“You would be crazy to go back to him,” she said with such sincerity.

“This situation is not going to go away; it can only get worse now that he knows I’m here,” I said.

That night I barely slept as my stomach twisted into a ball of nerves worrying about when Rex was going to show up at the front door. The thoughts of how he was going to proceed in getting me out of Esther’s house and what he could be planning for me ran back and forth in my mind all night. Knowing that he had found my hiding place meant it was just a matter of time before he forced his way in here if I didn’t surrender to him.

For me, it was a hopeless situation because I knew the way he thought and he would cause terrible issues; ones I didn’t want to be responsible for including the safety of Esther and her partner. I felt badly about Esther and how I had let her down; after all she had done to help me find a fresh new start in life. So without wishing to cause any problems for my mom’s best friend and her partner, their home and business, I gave up with hardly any resistance. I did not know whether I would be alive and in one piece after Rex knew he had me securely under his control again.

He came and collected me and took me to stay with him at the home of someone he had met on course in Johannesburg. This guy was unstable too and the way that he treated his wife was just as crazy as Rex. His wife told me that he had previously poured petrol over her in rage, threatening to set her on fire. He boasted of another occasion when he stabbed the bus driver in the hand because of some issue with bus fare. We stayed there just for a few weeks, during which period he convinced me that the reason things were so bad in our lives was because we were not living together.

“Our lives will be completely different if we moved in together,” Rex promised. “I won’t hit you anymore, I promise. Don’t you realize that there are so many other influencing factors that cause us to fight so much, like your parents? They are always trying to break us up.” Rex was trying to justify his actions and have another dig at my parents.

“That’s not true!” I replied.

“But they don’t like me!” He pressed the issue.

“It’s not about my parents, they are nowhere around you when you are beating me up in town, in the middle of the road, because you don’t like something that I said or didn’t say, did or didn’t do,” I hesitantly answered.

“I want you to come and stay with me and you will see that things will be completely different. Guaranteed! I will go into the council offices the moment we get back to Durban and I’ll apply to the Housing Department for a flat for us to share. We should qualify as we are of a low income and have a child together.” Rex’s words picked up speed as he sensed his victory.

Rex was very careful to treat me differently; otherwise it might destabilize the balance of his plan. He threatened but didn’t hit me initially, while we were temporarily staying at his friend’s place and outside of his territory.

“If you ever leave me again I’ll kill your parents and you’ll be coming back for their funeral, that’s what you’ll be coming back for, next time!” Rex whispered into my ears, tightening his arm around my neck, as we lay on a foam mattress at the back of a canopied van.

I shuddered at the thought and was completely caught in the web of this deception. We were on route to Durban from Johannesburg when he dropped that bombshell. He was already laying the foundation for what was in store for me. Such intense fear gripped me after he threatened the lives of my parents and the whole way back to Durban this was all I could think about. I went back and stayed at my parents’ home whilst Rex started trying to organize accommodation for us. I began working in Durban through the agencies temping and during this period of time I purchased essentials for our new home as the council had allocated a flat to us.

During that interim period, Rex’s temper flared up without control on a number of occasions, one of which I will never forget. My dad heard a commotion going on in the corridor after I had already received the impact of an initial punch. I had run into the bathroom and locked the door, trying to protect myself. Rex was throwing his full weight against the door to break in to get to me.

My dad rushed to my aid realizing what was going on, and knowing about my past beatings. My dad took a fighting stance and trying to protect his daughter, he stood with his fists up straight in front of him, slightly bent at the elbows and ready for Rex.

“Rex, leave my daughter alone.” Dad warned him in a firm and authoritative voice.

“Don’t interfere here!” Rex warned my dad. He was backing up away from the bathroom door, a bit taken aback at my dad’s interception. “This is not your fight,” Rex continued.

Hearing my dad’s voice, I unlocked the bathroom door and came out in a hurry, suddenly realizing that my dad was in danger.

“I don’t care what’s transpired, you don’t touch Debbie or I’ll have you locked up—for good!” Dad threatened in amazing boldness, like one does when their young are in danger. Of course my dad would have been no match for this professional boxer and very experienced street fighter, but Rex backed down knowing that he would end up in jail. That picture of my dad however, trying to defend me from Rex will forever be engraved in my mind and still deeply moves me whenever I recall what happened that night.

“I’m so sorry, I’m really so sorry. I can’t believe myself.” Rex apologized to me profusely the following day. “When we are living together you will see, things will be far better and I definitely won’t hit you ever again, I promise.” Rex pleaded with me, in the hope that I would not change my mind about moving in with him.

During that year my parents got divorced and it was a major shock to my system. My little sisters were still very young and moved out along with my mom. I found it heartbreaking to see my dad in his brokenness. The house was so big and empty without those little sisters of mine running around playing. All I heard repeatedly was the same record playing very sad music, and it echoing down the hallway as my dad wept bitterly over their divorce. I really didn’t know how to comfort him and was deeply disturbed over this whole situation.

Our home was never the same again and we all missed my mom and my sisters very much—including little Danny. He used to play a lot with his aunties who were just a few years older. He frequently forgot that they weren’t living there anymore and would walk up and down the corridor looking for them and calling out to them. He couldn’t really understand the details as to why we were still living there, but that they weren’t. More than that, it left me feeling sad beyond words.

Chapter Seven

A Big Mistake!

Eventually the council office notified us of a flat available in Umbilo, right near his parent's recently acquired railway house. It was a ground floor flat with two and a half bedrooms, the half-size bedroom facing the road. The lounge was quite large, with a shiny wooden floor and its entrance was directly off the stairwell.

With my folks going through a divorce and my dad having to look at options concerning our family home, I proceeded with the plans about the flat move. I was somewhat excited about decorating our first home, but there was this underlying fear of Rex not keeping his promise to me, not that I could do anything about it.

With not much finances at my disposal, I quickly purchased sheets to transform into curtains, as they were the cheaper option. I received a wingback lounge suite passed on to me from my great aunt, so at least we had something to sit on. I quickly learned how to make the Rand stretch to its maximum as we tried to make all ends meet.

Immediately I realized I had made a big mistake moving in with Rex, him finding it impossible to suppress his feelings any longer, his anger about me running away from him finally surfaced and I was completely at his mercy. It was instantaneous that the fists came out to find their usual landing place. With the punches came the ever increasingly appearing bruises and the nightmarish threats and manipulation.

Running away from Rex had worsened his insecurity and subconsciously scared him that I would do a disappearing act again. His furious outbursts only mounted on unstoppable wings and I could never overpower him. I would try to defend myself only to reap being beaten to a pulp for daring to stand up for myself.

My thoughts would race around without synchronization and without making any sense of all this, as I felt like a mistreated kitten up against the wall in a corner, having no way out. I knew that death was imminent; it was either going to be him or me. Would I have to kill him to end all of this?

Maybe poisoning him is the only way to escape alive. I pondered this repeatedly for days, while I thought over the previous escape and how he found me, the repeated beatings, the police who turned out to be his friends, gang ‘underworld’ friends, boxing ‘connections,’ threats to kill me and his medical history and now his serious threats to kill my parents if I left him again. I reasoned with myself, maybe it would be worth it, to get away from Rex, alive.

No, I could not do it! It was just not in me to do such a terrible thing to him or anybody. Depleted, I realized that Rex was my destiny and there was nothing I could do to change it. It was not in my nature to poison Rex, even if it was my only avenue of escaping him. I surrendered to the realization that this was to be my life. I continued dreading each day and in fear that short-circuited any thought of trying to ever escape again.

The days raced by at work but once I arrived home, the evenings seemed to never end. They were so drawn-out and I was always anxious over when the next blow was coming. I was finding that my time with Danny was far too short and the time with my parents, sisters, family and friends, was almost non-existent. How I longed to tell my parents, that this nightmare was still continuing and that Rex had not kept his word. But I could tell them nothing because I could never risk this for the sake of their protection.

Rex continued to display unbalanced emotional behaviors which led me to an even more anxious existence within my prison of pain. I worried daily about whom I had spoken to that may have subsequently seen Rex and just innocently mentioned something to him. They did not know Rex’s warped perspective. I would rack my brains trying to remember any guys that I may have chatted to about anything.

“Perhaps I shouldn’t have responded to that guy today at the bus stop across the road, when he asked me for the time and we ended up speaking for a bit, while standing in the queue and waiting for our bus,” I started dissecting an initial male encounter of the day.

My thoughts were whirling. I knew we hadn’t chatted for that long. I tried to justify the two or three minutes of communication, but I fell short. Nervously I ran through the conversation in my head, over and over.

I wondered if anyone else saw me talking to him this morning. It’s such a big and busy main road, with so many cars and busses driving by. Suddenly it dawned on me that fifty different people Rex knew could have been in that rush hour traffic and easily have noticed me talking so openly with that guy.

Rex’s parents and family lived just down the road too; any one of them may have also seen me. Now gasping for breath, I realized that the likelihood of Rex hearing about this was very possible.

Goodness, I didn’t even catch his name so I wouldn’t know who Rex was speaking about if it came up later. How awful it would be if I got a beating for that because it was hardly worth it.

Every day added to the history of people and occasions where I met guys and spoke to them even though I was not allowed to converse with any men. There were passers-by that I bumped into from school days and we had recognized each other. There were also people I had met and chatted to at work events or met while I carried out my mundane activities of life. I wrestled the issue within.

I wondered what all the neighbors were thinking as his temper was never a quiet ordeal. The bruises showed up around my neck and on my face which could not be mistaken for anything other than what they were – domestic violence. No amount of make-up would conceal his abuse not that it bothered Rex what anyone else thought anymore.

In one way, he was confident that I knew it would not be in my best interest if I spoke out or tried to get any help. He would later always feel sorry for what he had done to me but obviously he was not sorry enough to stop. When anyone tried to calm him, he would punch or kick anything or lashing out at anyone who would try and stop his outbursts.

Nothing of value lasted; everything was short lived including vehicles. Usually doors and cupboard doors were the first to be dented or smashed in. I remember him sculpting sticker images onto the petrol tank of his motorbike one day, when he punched it in absolute infuriation leaving such a dent that it became useless. I never even got to drive my first car I’d bought off my mom, as he crashed it so many times in his drunkenness and anger that it was written off before I managed to obtain my driving license.

Chapter Eight

Change of Destiny

My body had withered away from the loss of appetite, as my fear of Rex increased daily. I was never sure that there would even be a tomorrow. The empty soul within my thinning body was increasingly traumatized and in despair, from the years of torment, the circumstances over which I had zero control. My mind was in chaos and confusion after all the unending emotional, physical and mental abuse I had experienced. In hopelessness, I believed there was just no way out of that relationship. My love for Rex had totally vanished, but when he proposed that we set the date for our long overdue marriage, I felt that I had no other option available to me but to agree. I had tried every avenue of escape I could think of, and nothing had worked. We were already engaged to be married, so this would be the final step and the one that would seal my future with Rex forever.

“You’ll be nineteen in a few months’ time, so it’s long overdue.” Rex piped up as he brushed passed me entering the bedroom. “It’s what we’ve been waiting for.” He said this calmly under his breath as he sat down on the bed facing me.

Not a hundred percent sure of what he was getting at, I paused a moment to think about what he was saying. Rex pressed into the conversation to get a response from me.

“You’re quiet, what’s up?” he questioned.

“No, nothing.” I answered. “Sorry, I wasn’t focused on what you were saying,” I replied, shaking my head.

“It’s been on my mind a lot lately, and I really want us to do this,” Rex said flopping himself backwards on the bed.

“We’ve been together since you were thirteen, now we have Danny and we’re living together so it makes sense for us to get married,” he concluded.

“Oh yes, we’ve spoken about it for years.” My words were spoken with great hesitation but yet I agreed.

Rex summed up by saying, “I figured that December will be a good time of the year and it gives us a few months from now to arrange things.”

Self-conscious of my reactions, and fearing they would not meet up to his expectation, I sped up my reply trying to sound excited. “Yes you’re right; it should be enough time for us to organize it.” I couldn’t help but think that maybe he would calm down once we got married.

The next day I went to visit my mom at her office and told her about what we had discussed. I knew that she would not be over excited about our intentions to get married and yet it did not come as much of a surprise. With not much time available, mom immediately went to work on the preparations.

“I need to buy the material for your wedding dress.” She pretended to be happy at least and wanted to do her best for me.

“Have you thought of what color you want?” she questioned.

Emphatically she informed me, “It wouldn’t be appropriate to wear white since you have a child already.”

“Maybe you could go for cream or ivory,” she suggested.

“Yes that’s understandable, and I think ivory could work.” I pulled out a drawing of the wedding dress I had imagined wearing; one that I had designed some time back. “What do you think mom?”

“Looks nice, but let’s see if Iris, my dressmaker, can use it, or whether she will need a wedding dress pattern.” She swiftly moved on to the next thing racing through her mind. “What about the bridesmaid and the flower girls, which color should they wear? I think the invitations should have a picture of you and Rex on the front, what do you think?”

“Yes, that sounds great!” Somehow, I was actually becoming very much excited by all the planning and pleased that she knew what she was doing, since I didn’t. The ball was in motion and now in very capable hands as my mom being a director of a business, knew exactly how to arrange things and keep a deadline.

One Sunday morning, a number of weeks after setting the date for our December wedding, while making our first morning cup of tea, Rex shouted out to me from the bathroom, “I promised Aunty Dori that we would come along to church today but I forgot to mention it to you. Get your things together in a hurry so we can leave in an hour, since we will need to drop Danny off at my mom’s place before we head out all the way to Durban North.”

He continued as he strolled through to the bedroom to find something to wear and trying to rush me he hollered, “So make sharp! I want to be there before the service starts to be able to find them.”

Aunty Dori and Uncle Sam was a really special elderly couple whom Rex had known for most of his life. Rex would take me around to their home once in a while for a quick visit, after which they would always suggest that we came along to the Sunday service at the church they attended in Durban North. To please them Rex would go and drag me along.

One such occasion, back when I was fifteen, I had responded to an invitation to give my heart to Jesus. After saying the prayer with the pastor that day, I was told that I had become a Christian. Ignorant of what steps I should have taken to make that initial decision a reality in my life, nothing had changed and so my life remained unaltered. Since I had been informed that I was a Christian, I had no reason to doubt what I had been told. Besides that, I had also found an inscription in an old Bible that I had fumbled over in my dad’s glass-covered bookshelf. It was a message to me from my godmother inside the Bible she had blessed me with at my Christening when I was a baby. I knew that I had been dedicated to God and also told by my mother that we were Christians. I later found out that although these things are good, they do not determine that one is in fact a Christian except maybe only on paper. A piece of paper was not enough to enter the pearly gates of Heaven.

From the time I was a little girl I had known, to some extent, that there was a God in Heaven, but believing this alone also didn’t make anyone a Christian. I was told that it says in the Bible, “You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder” (James 2:19 NIV). I was sure that the demons weren’t going to Heaven.

After recalling nothing of what the Reverend had said during the whole of his very passionately preached sermon that Sunday morning, at the time during the service when an invitation was extended for anyone to give their heart to Jesus, I became strangely aware of the intensity of the beating of my heart in the center of my chest. I had no control over this inner activity of my heart which was pounding so loudly as if it were shouting out to me to respond.

It was with great conviction and sincerity that I raised my hand to the Reverend’s open invitation to surrender my heart and life to Jesus. Like a river, my tears began to race down my face with speed and no boundaries, saturating my blouse. I found myself standing up at the front of the church with the others who had also responded to the call from God, as we said this prayer all together, “Dear Heavenly Father, I come to you in the name of Jesus Christ. I acknowledge that I am a sinner in need of a Savior, and because of your great love, you sent your Son into the world to die for my sin; the innocent for the guilty. I acknowledge that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, and that He died on the cross to pay for the sins of the world, and then He rose up from the dead, three days later, victorious over sin and death. Come into my heart Lord Jesus Christ, and be my Savior I pray, and please forgive me of my sins and all my unrighteousness I pray. Amen.”

I was at my lowest state ever, and in desperation and the turmoil of all that I was going through. I had arrived at my turning point. It was the place that God was waiting for; a place of genuine wholehearted surrender to Him.

I had tried everything in my own strength and nothing had worked. I felt that nobody was big enough to solve this problem of mine, and I just couldn’t do it on my own anymore. I needed somebody stronger, somebody more powerful than Rex to be able to help me. It was at the age of eighteen – a month before my nineteenth birthday that I finally realized that I needed God, and that I couldn’t make it in this world without Him. God’s forgiveness swept over me and I felt an amazing peace flood my crushed soul. Suddenly I was ushered into an unexplainable inner joy.

Aunty Dori contacted me during the week and invited me to a homecell that Wednesday evening. Aunty Dori told me that it would be an informal evening at somebody’s house with a group of Christians from their Church. With no idea what to expect, it turned out that I really enjoyed myself and we discussed a topic and then we prayed. We had opportunity to share hearts and receive prayer as well and then fellowshipped around coffee and biscuits. This became a weekly highlight in my life and I developed some really wonderful Christian friendships. I knew nothing about how to pray; neither did I know what was inside the Bible or how to be a real Christian. I became like a big sponge soaking up every conversation.

These gatherings taught me that Christianity was not at all related to rules and laws but rather great freedom! It was freedom from guilt, shame, sin and everything else in life that entangled and weighted me down. It was here that I learned to apply the principles found in the Word of God to my life and how to manage situations with more productive results as well as how to pray.

Through the acceptance of Jesus, His Holy Spirit opened my eyes and I was enlightened to understand the Bible in a way that I was not able to before. I also discovered that by my wholehearted decision to turn my life over to Jesus Christ, my name had been entered into God’s special register reserved only for those who He could call “His own” and this book is known as the Lamb’s Book of Life. This book was kept in Heaven and always referred to before allowing anyone access into Heaven. This gave me the assurance that I was saved by God and for God.

Walking into the lounge Rex blurted, “You need to speak to the pastor at church about marrying us in December. It’s important that you confirm the date with him so that we can send out the invitations for the wedding.” he signified the urgency by raising his hands in the air. That following Sunday after church I mentioned it to the pastor and he agreed to have a look at his diary to see if the second Saturday of December was free, and if so, then he would book that date for us.

Weeks rolled into each other and eventually, through my Homecell gatherings and absorbing all I could about the things of God, it soon dawned upon me that my life was not at all how God had intended it to be for me and that His plans for me were to give me “a hope and a future,” and not of fear, pain and misery, which was what I had been experiencing. It was wonderful news to realize that God actually loved me and had a purpose for me being on this planet and whether or not my parents made a mistake conceiving me, God made no mistake giving me life. He was interested even in the finest details of my life and He enjoyed our conversations together in prayer.

So many things fell into place when I learned that our battle in this world was not against people (who are flesh and blood), but rather against spiritual forces in a spirit realm which we cannot see with our natural eyes. Everything that we can see is affected by that which we cannot see in this unseen spiritual realm. Although it is unseen it is more real than the physical realm in which our five senses operate and there is a constant battle raging in this unseen realm between a Kingdom of Light and a Kingdom of Darkness.

In fact God Himself is unseen and it’s not so strange to hear that the Devil and his kingdom are also operating in this unseen dimension. I finally understood that it was an enemy of my soul, a devil from the Kingdom of Darkness that had been influencing Rex in his behavior to keep me in a place of fear and daily torment. It had been actively trying to devastate my life by pushing me to the point of nearly poisoning him to destroy my life and end up in prison. Should I have pursued that course of action and prematurely terminated Rex’s life, his soul would have plummeted to the depths of Hell to be tormented forever and ever.

I was also able to put two and two together concerning the year that I was thirteen and tried to commit suicide. Satan and his demons were the driving force that almost landed me in Hell. But God, in His great mercy and awesome grace, saw ahead to the future and knew that I would make this decision to be His daughter so He intervened. Even though I overdosed on all those boxes of tablets taken, none of my major organs were damaged.

I suddenly became aware of the many other times that God had kept me safe when I was totally oblivious to His hand of protection. I was grateful for His presence in all the ridiculous situations I had gotten myself into.

When I ran away to Johannesburg and the times I used to hitch-hike across town to see Rex, I could quite easily have been raped and killed. I thought about the times I used to sneak out and go partying with complete strangers. Then there were all the drugs. God had been there protecting me, even then! I sensed an awesome awareness of God’s presence as I meditated on His omnipresence and I felt forever indebted to Jesus.

The devil and his cronies are enemies of God and ALL mankind because it’s God’s creation. We are made in His image, and the devil hates everything that reminds him of God. He would go to any length to keep us at enmity with God and others. The devil is a destroyer, thief and deceiver and he wanted my soul.

Then there is God who loved me with such a fierce love and jealousy, wanting to free me from my cell of abuse and set my soul at liberty to live as He had intended—with destiny and purpose.

My situation with Rex was still the same, but now I had help from above to give me inner strength to assist me through the traumatic episodes I faced with Rex. Daily God spoke to me by illuminating scriptures as I was reading the Bible, or through the words of a song that would repeat in my head. Inevitably the words began to come out of my mouth. Usually it was the chorus of a song that we had sung at the church and when I realized the exact words that I had begun singing, I understood what God was trying to tell me. God was faithful to encourage me daily as I faithfully trusted Him. I knew He was right there with me and like Jesus said to His disciples, “I will never leave you nor forsake (abandon) you, even to the end” (Hebrews 13:5 AMP).

The extreme nature of my situation with Rex caused me to soar in my spiritual growth. I never knew from one day to the next whether I would still be alive so that kept me in desperate need of God’s intervention daily. Rex wasn’t however interested in regularly attending church or pursuing the same kind of commitment with God as I wanted and he certainly was never interested in attending homecell.

I quickly was water Baptized which signified that my old sinful nature died with Jesus on the cross and was buried in that grave and now I had received a new sinless nature. As I came up out of the water, I had been washed clean with the blood of Jesus; I was a new creation by receiving and believing in Him. This symbolic act is an outward demonstration of what had taken place inwardly, when I received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and became a true Christian. Now I needed to identify with the nature of Christ Jesus and not with the old sinful self that I had always known.

I swiftly moved on to be baptized with the Holy Spirit which simply meant that the Spirit of Christ Jesus empowered me to become a witness for Him. The evidence of the baptism of the Holy Spirit was overcoming sinful temptations in my life and taking hold of the gifts of the Holy Spirit to edify me and to encourage others.

One of my free gifts from God was my own unique language; a language that only God understands and the devil cannot intercept. Did you know that he understands every language on the face of the Earth, but this language is given by God to me? That to me is awesome! Praying in my own special unique language referred to as tongues caused my spirit within me to be built up daily and it gave me inner strength to face Rex and withstand sinful temptations. Everything was actually minor in my life now that God was on His throne in my heart.

Acts chapter 10 versus 45 and 46 shows us that when a believer receives the gift of the Holy Spirit they begin to speak in tongues and praise God.

After Homecell one Wednesday evening, Sandy walked up to me during coffee time. Almost whispering she said, “I heard you mention that you are about to get married in December to Rex. Didn’t you mention during the prayer time at Homecell last week that you were overwhelmed because he had beaten you up? You were devastated when you asked for prayer and it stuck with me all this week.” She was obviously concerned. “As a Christian it is definitely not in your best interest to marry someone who is not a true Christian because you would be in two different kingdoms.” Sandy went on to explain, “The Bible gives us a guide for our well-being and it says, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14).

I just stood there looking at her.

“Yoked” means to be tied to someone, like in marriage or business. As you know, a true Christian is someone in relationship with Jesus Christ and is referred to in the Bible as a Believer. Someone who does not have that personal relationship with God is described as an unbeliever. Each is in a different kingdom – opposing each other spiritually.” She seemed to slow down so as to allow me to fully grasp what she was trying to say.

She continued, “I don’t know whether or not you already are aware of this, but the Bible helps us to be able to know who is a true Christian or not by amplification in this regard. It says, “You will know them by their fruit,” being the characterizing deeds we do in our lives. If Rex is mistreating you so severely, then probably he is not a true Christian and the Bible warns us about making a serious covenant such as marriage, with someone that is not a true Christian.”

She remained silent and just watched my face. She had wrapped up everything so carefully and with a very sincere approach so as to not offend me.

Sandy’s words illuminated the Word of God as if it was God Himself speaking to me through Sandy, to let me know His take on my plans to get married to Rex. She planted the Word of God deep into my heart concerning my approaching and already planned wedding. I received a paradigm-shift in which God intervened in my mind (soul) and spirit, altering my course of action. Since I had chosen to respond to God and change kingdoms and I was now part of the Kingdom of Light. By looking at Rex’s fruit, I quickly surmised and understood he was not part of the same kingdom. I knew and had a witness in my spirit (meaning that the Spirit of God on the inside of me agreed) that God was telling me that I was not to marry Rex.

I spent much time considering what God had said to me, but being such a new Christian I didn’t know how to apply this instruction to my life. My thoughts were traveling at warp speed. “How in the world am I going to tell Rex that we cannot get married? He’ll annihilate me.”

Although I was now a Believer, a true Christian, Holy Spirit filled woman, I still faced the very real circumstances of Rex and the fear of his volcanic anger and unbalanced mind with threats to kill me and my parents if I ever left him. I did not believe that I was strong enough to leave Rex and stay alive. Being only a baby in my faith, I began to pray that God would give Rex someone else instead of me, someone he would love enough to cause him to leave me for good. I started praying this earnestly and believing that God would make a way where there seemed to be no way of escape for me.

At this point I was due to marry Rex in a month’s time and I remained terrified to inform him of what God had said to me. I could not proceed with the plans to get married to him any longer. I prayed intensely and asked God for wisdom on how to break off with Rex, but first things first; I needed to stop the wedding.

Trying to reason this all out with God I prayed and cried out to God. “Oh Lord, how am I going to stop the wedding and still live another day? It’s almost certain death. Please give me wisdom on how to tell Rex.”

The breaking of a new dawn and another day closer to the approaching wedding date that will now not be, but yet to inform everyone. I kept this secret safely tucked away, hoping for the right words and looked for the opportunity to speak up. The way in which I achieved my goal from here on would have to be carefully marked out and strategically planned. The safety of everybody hung in the balance and any word about escape that reached Rex would set off alarm bells that would turn him into a tornado destroying everything in its path.

The time was moving at a fast pace and so was my mom, trying her best to arrange what she had planned to do to assist with the wedding, but I felt like a ticking time bomb that might explode at any given point with this news I was about to announce.

I could not however let my mother know of my altered intentions not to marry Rex or to leave him altogether because if it leaked out before I got to tell him, his fury would unleash.

Before I could tell anyone else I would have to face Rex first and nobody could do that for me. Keeping this from my mom was however a very difficult task, as I felt so guilty about the money she had already invested in the wedding preparations.

Handing me a box, mom began, “Here are the wedding invitations I have just collected from the printers. Have a look at them with the photo of you and Rex on the front. They seem to have turned out really well. All you will need to do now is to neatly write the names of the people you wish to invite to the wedding on the inside and then write their names and addresses on the envelopes.”

Taking the box from her I smiled and opened the box to see the two piles of invitations on the inside and was quite impressed at how well they had come out. “We have your second dress fitting planned for Saturday morning, so make sure you don’t plan anything else. Once you are completely happy with your wedding dress and it’s just the way you want it, I’ll get Iris to start on the dresses for the bridesmaid and the flower girls. She is really quick at sewing, so I’m sure they will all be ready in time. I have already purchased the material and all the cottons, buttons, zips and ribbons for them as well, but I just want to know that your dress is finished before we focus on the rest.” Mom seemed to have everything running according to plan.

“I went out this week to buy all the frozen food for the wedding and now my outside freezer is completely jam-packed with Chickens,” she continued. “There’s not a single place to squeeze anything else inside there,” she laughed.

Very uncomfortable with my feelings of guilt and puzzled as to how I was going to break the news to her, I procrastinated in answering her. I just strung my thoughts together in my own mind. How in the world am I going to do this? She has already prepared so much. How am I going to tell her now at this late point in time after she has spent so much money and how do I even stop her from spending any more money without her becoming suspicious?

Eventually God imparted a little wisdom to me and instead of abruptly stopping the wedding; the Lord led me to initially suggest to Rex that I wanted to delay the wedding for the moment due to our financial status. I trembled with fear as I passed through the following morning and at lunch time I prayed for God to intervene on my behalf and help me to carry out His will at this crucial time and to not fail this task. During the afternoon, all I could think about while I was working was what I was going to say to Rex and I changed my lines over and over. I could feel the fear rising up inside me every time I glanced at the clock on the wall in the office. The closer the time came to five o’clock the more nervous I became. Eventually I noticed that my hands were shaking as I began to clear away everything on my desk, to get ready to go home.

“Oh Lord, please give me the courage to face him I pray. Please give me the wisdom on how to approach the topic and how I speak about it. Keep him calm and help him to accept my decision. I pray in Jesus Name.” I communed with God whilst I waited for Rex to come and get me from work.

I didn’t end up speaking to him that day as I hadn’t found an opportune moment, but then on the way to work the following morning, I suddenly realized it was now or never, and just before he dropped me off downstairs from my office I gently brought up the subject. “I have been thinking for a few days now and can’t seem to shake it, that we really don’t have the money saved up for this wedding right now. I feel that we need to delay the wedding at least for the moment until we can save up some money towards it. We have saved absolutely nothing towards it and we can’t expect my mom to pay everything, that’s really not acceptable.” I finished just as he was pulling into the parking to drop me off and didn’t even wait for his response before leaping out the car. “See you later!” I said in a low tone, trying to sound sad about the matter, as I closed the door behind me and walked off.

I knew that Rex would not take this matter lightly, and realized such that night. He definitely had not taken my decision well and even though I held a valid excuse of us not having saved anything at all toward the wedding, he became yet more insecure than ever before and frustrated. He felt that he was losing his grip on me.

Immediately he began to resort to other tactics to try and manipulate me to ensure I would still marry him. He began binding me with all kinds of verbal vows of which I uttered purely out of complete fear, dreading every conversation and sleepless night that I was enduring. He badgered me endlessly from every angle, still throwing my past relationships up in my face from seven years ago. His threats often turned into painful blows to my head and body the more he worked himself up about it.

Now that Rex knew, I could break the news to the family, relating the same information to them. I was feeling so very badly about everything, but deep down I knew that my parents would be more pleased that I changed my mind about Rex once they find out that He was still beating me, than the wasted money spent on all the preparations for the wedding. I felt that when they find out eventually that I had changed my mind about Rex altogether they would be glad I did not proceed with the wedding after all.

I felt like a load was off my shoulders, now that I had eventually faced Rex and also told my family. My secret was now in the open. I had temporarily delayed the wedding, giving me more time to work on just how I was going to end my relationship with Rex. I was still praying that God would cause him to find someone else and therefore leave me; a possibility that would make everything far simpler.

Chapter Nine

The Final Straw

Rex became suspicious and started questioning me as if there was someone else in my life. Well there was someone else and His name was Jesus Christ! He became not just my Lord and Savior, but also my very best friend – the one with whom I could share all my concerns and fears. I found out what real love was from the Bible and it certainly wasn't what Rex was giving me, nor was it sex.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV).

“He who does not love has not become acquainted with God [does not and never did know Him], for God is love” (1 John 4:8 AMP).

My weekly church meetings became an issue for Rex due to the haste at which things had progressed in my life. The passionate change that had transpired in my beliefs determined my unwavering commitment to the services and small gatherings. He was bent out of shape because I had delayed the wedding and became convinced that I was attending the Sunday church services and Wednesday night Homecell meetings, in order to see other Christian guys. The arguments increased dramatically every time I went to any of the church gatherings until he eventually forbade me from attending the church meetings altogether.

Instead Rex took me to another group meeting which was part of a strange sect that did not believe in attending church services. How ironic, as they were gathering anyway, even if it was in an apartment and not a big church building. Here they tried to pressure me with a law type mentality, not the grace covenant of God. Even though I was a new Christian, I was aware that Jesus had saved me because of what He had done for me, and not by what I could do for Him. The odd way they framed Christianity was totally unappealing to me and we only ended up going there about two or three times.

Soon Rex joined another sect group that held racialist beliefs and of course I knew that Jesus had died for all mankind and later found a scripture that stating, “From one man he made every nation of men” (Acts 17:26).

Since I refused to read the book that this strange sect had issued Rex with, he got hold of the book on audio tapes and to force me to hear what they taught. He began blaring these at top volume from the hi-fi system in the lounge. The evil presence was tangible and the spiritual battle raged in our home as I drew into my bedroom behind a shut door and prayed earnestly during these times. One such occasion, while he was playing the tapes, I went and had a bath and began praying in tongues. Suddenly Rex started banging on the bathroom door shouting, “What are you doing?”

Immediately I saw a vision of a green face in my mind’s eye and realized it was the face of that demon driving Rex to listen to those tapes and deceiving him by them, and trying to force me to listen to them too.

“What are you saying?” Rex questioned, as he kept pounding the door. I was completely shocked at his statements, and wondered how on earth he even heard me say anything in the bathroom, with that very loud noise in his ears from the volume of the tapes. “Stop that babbling!” he shouted, while he continued banging on the bathroom door repeatedly. He suddenly stopped when I stopped praying in tongues.

Rex had ensured I no longer attended church and so the Lord gave me a gift wrapped in the form of a small sized Indian woman. God is Faithful! To my surprise I met this Christian lady in my workplace and she became my prayer partner. Ritz was a woman with a powerful prayer manner and operated in delivering people from demonic forces. She taught me many spiritual principles in the area of spiritual warfare which were essential in my personal circumstances. I recognized demons of control, manipulation and many others that were in force in my situation.

Ritz taught me things that would eventually be of much use in my later life, as further down the line on my journey with God, I too would operate in a similar way, releasing people from all kinds of demonic spirits.

Each day Rex would be in a different mood, swinging from one extreme to the next and his tension was rising. He was constantly anxious and edgy, and now also very frustrated, since I had stopped all sexual intimacy with him, also because my conscience wouldn't allow me to, since I had understood from the Bible that sexual intimacy is only for marriage. Obviously tempers sounded like dynamite exploding, because this was not acceptable to Rex after being together six years. The pressure was on to make sure we got married quickly so as to rectify this serious issue in his life.

From my perspective, I felt no desire in this area of my life since I had lost my love for Rex altogether. That made a huge difference considering my hope was that our relationship was soon to be over and it was in all fairness to Rex that I kept strong.

With suspicions flaming every kind of argument, my feet were treading on thin ice and any wrong move could have a disastrous effect. Death began to seem more likely if the Lord didn’t hasten up a plan to help Rex find someone else quickly and leave me. I prayed with intensity that God would help him find someone else, lose interest in me and move out. My time was running out and I knew that things needed to happen with haste. I walked in trepidation and also a sense that I could not hold out for much longer. What would happen if he knew or if he found out that I was not going to ever marry him? Too scared to think of the repercussions, I just prayed earnestly for God’s quick intervention.

The “Shadow of Death” seemed to be following me and I was uneasy. Rex was not easy to deal with and his kingdom of darkness was trying to crush the life out of me. I was now aware of both spiritual and physical dimensions in operation, drawing me faster and deeper into my relationship with God and my complete dependence on Him. I was learning to trust in Him and His unfailing words that He would deliver me from all evil and protect me.

For so long, I lived in fear and within what seemed to be the walls of a prison cell that had held me captive. Now, God was with me, even though I didn’t know the ways of God, I knew that I was getting to know Him even more closely. As I read the Holy Bible and prayed on my own, God always re-assured me of His presence as His peace flooded my soul. Many times I found as I was reading my Bible a certain scripture would suddenly take on a deeper meaning to such an extent that I knew that God was speaking to me through that scripture as He became my lifeline. So many times the Lord would uplift my faith with scriptures like, “Do not fear, … because I have many people in this city” (Acts 18:9-10 NIV) or “So do not fear, for I am with you;”(Isaiah 41:10). There were a lot of fear not’s so I knew He was speaking to me loud and clear and I just needed to trust Him and do what His Word said—fear not.

My lunch prayer times with Ritz over in the park or at my dad’s apartment along the road from my office were amazing. She was the only real Christian I was still in communication with since Rex had stopped me attending my church. When I prayed with Ritz I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the whole of Heaven had heard. Ritz helped me to grasp how to pray fervently and since she prayed with so many scriptures, it taught me how to apply scripture in prayer so that God released the angels on the assignments obeying His own Word. I was learning how to pray in line with God’s Word so as to not contradict His will and void my requests.

Often she would encourage me with a scripture that God gave her for me. It always boosted my faith to new heights because she knew how to distinguish the voice of God very well. She would also get dreams when she slept and that fascinated me. She also received answers of prayers and also warnings of things to come and even for me. Hearing God’s voice and the interpretation of dreams became my greatest interest as I journeyed with God in relationship—but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Like everybody, Rex had a good side to him as well, which was one of the reasons that I had fallen for him in the first place. There was a young woman who lived on the top floor of the complex of apartments where we lived with two broken legs. Sarah had to get around using a wheelchair and there was no lift in our block of flats. With her twenty-first birthday approaching, Rex decided to extend his goodwill and allow her to hold her party in our flat on the ground floor, to which she was very pleased. Rex was obviously in one of his benevolent moods, which seemed rather scarce these days considering the mounting tension about our delayed wedding.

People began arriving and chatting while they ate, their voices increasing in volume as the music did, so as to be heard. When the party was in full swing and they had begun dancing, Rex somehow managed to pull me into the bedroom to pursue a fight with me. It happened so quickly and without warning as it had always happened before. Punching me with both fists simultaneously, I flew from one end of the room to the other and then he began kicking me. At some stage and in between more punches, he put his hands around my neck and begun suffocating me. My adrenaline clicked in as I somehow found the strength to kick him off amidst choking and spluttering as I gasped for air.

In the process, the bed was flipped as we continued seemingly as if we were featuring in some kind of an age-restricted violent movie. However this clip was like a never-ending scene. My thoughts were only to do whatever it took to stay alive. I was trying to cover my face to cushion the blows and protect myself from his hard, pointy shoes that would do serious damage to my face if one of them landed there.

I continued to fight for my very life while still completely at a loss as to why he was climbing into me. Just when I thought it was all over, he came for me again. All the while the music blared in the lounge, and nobody was the wiser as to what was taking place in the bedroom. I was being beaten up and thrown around like a rag doll.

“Rex! Rex! Where are you? Rex!” Someone shouted down the passage at the top of their voice. “Rex! Somebody is asking for you outside,” they shouted again.

Rex responded quickly and left me in a heap on the floor like a bag of bones and out of breath. I slowly stretched my body out on our bedroom floor as I placed my hand onto my chest in relief that the beating had ended. I felt my heart racing as if I had just run a marathon and hoped that whoever was outside talking to Rex would keep him there for the rest of the evening.

Around me lay broken contents of our bedroom, and our double-bed had been flipped wrong side up against the wall at an angle. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed deeply while the images captured during the lambasting flashed repeatedly through my mind. I could still feel the effects of his hands that had been tightly gripped around my neck stopping me from breathing until I had almost passed out. The aches and pains in my face and body I knew too well, would only fully realize tomorrow and the next day.

“What had he been so angry about and why had he beaten me up like this again?” I lay there in agony questioning the reason for all that had transpired.

“He had been shouting about something, but my attention switched off as to what he was shouting about when I felt the impact of his punches. This was definitely hate and certainly not love,” I thought, still very puzzled.

Crying and in total disbelief that God had allowed me to experience this terrible trauma, I wept bitterly and prayed aloud. “Why Lord did you allow him to hurt me like this? Why? Why? I am your child, so how could you allow him to do this to me?” I cried out in desperation for God to help me understand.

It was then that I clearly heard the Lord speak directly to my heart about this situation, and it was loud. It would have been impossible to have missed what God was saying, or even to have misunderstood what God was telling me. It was so real as if it had been audible, but yet not vocalized.

He spoke to my spirit saying these words,

“My daughter, you are not really placing your faith in me as you ought to. If you were, you would have done the right thing and left Rex, trusting in Me to protect you from him.”

Oh no! I realized instantaneously that in my ignorance, I had been praying the wrong thing and believing incorrectly about how God operates. It is faith in action that moves the hand of God. With praying that Rex would leave me first and then just staying in that relationship out of fear was not activating my faith at all.

God expected me to do the right thing, meaning to put things in godly order in obedience to His Word (the Holy Bible). First, we had been unmarried but living as if we were man and wife outside of the God ordained covenant of marriage. We had also been unequally yoked or in other words tied together but not of the same kingdom. So the right thing would be to correct this issue in obedience. Secondly, I needed to leave Rex – in faith – trusting and believing that God was big enough to protect me. So faith and obedience needed to work together as faith in action.

I knew He was speaking to me clearly and I fully understood what He was saying to me personally. I needed to first leave Rex and not the other way around, like I had assumed it should work. If I did what God had spoken into my heart, I was going to have to rely heavily on trusting God to protect me now.

My faith had been growing quickly, but now God was expecting me to trust Him unswervingly, a true testing of my faith in Him. God held my future in the palm of His hand but only as far as I was prepared to trust Him.

I could continue being bashed around like this evening, and in a single moment of one flying fist, my life could end permanently or I could absolutely and completely trust God to lead the way and protect me. This beating was the final straw and convinced by what God had spoken to my heart, I made the decision and prayed, “Lord Jesus, I know what you are asking me to do, and I will leave Rex, definitely! Jesus, I will put my full trust in You. Amen.” I whispered my prayers with conviction and assurance that He had heard me.

I had to trust that if I obeyed God, He would do His part. In the past, I had only managed to escape once in my own strength, but in the end it was unsuccessful. Nothing had ever gotten me completely out of this trap, this devilish trap of pain, fear, torment and despair.

The next song began to play and still for a while, I lay there motionless with my new decision pumping through my veins. The adrenaline increased as fear gripped me again and I couldn't imagine how I was going to manage to carry out this escape. Yet I knew that it must happen! I would have to face this devil of “Fear” that had tormented me for the last six years. The devil had used Rex to crush me like that evening.

I had no vision of what life would be like without Rex, not even a glimpse in my imagination. I could not see a future at all because I had been trapped in a web for years. I could only look back at all the things he had been doing to me and again, I was crippled by the fear of what might happen next.

I had no idea how I was going to carry through with the decision I had just made in faith, but for now I just knew that it would happen. I wasn’t sure when, only that I had to trust Him and obey His leading. Even if I died trying, I knew there was no other way and nobody else was able to protect me except somebody very big and strong—somebody like GOD.

Little did I know that God was preparing me to face the greatest test of my new-found faith. He was about to become my Deliverer.

Chapter Ten

The Big Escape

“Aaaaaaah, I feel like my body has been run over by a bus,” I moaned as I dragged myself out of bed and then stretched my back and neck to see if I could ease up my stiffened muscles and ligaments.

Standing in front of the mirror for some time, I applied heavy layers of make-up foundation to avoid the inevitable questioning from my co-workers. I obviously wasn’t able to completely hide the biggest bruise on my cheekbone, as the moment Ritz saw me, she put her hand over her wide opened mouth and with a full expression of horror she asked, “What did he do to you?”

The moment I heard her gentle voice, I just burst out into tears, resting my head on her shoulder, as she hugged me. “You just can’t keep putting up with this; it’s terrible what he is doing to you!” she exclaimed but in a whispering tone. She whisked me down the hall to an empty office out of everybody’s sight.

“You really need to go and see a doctor now, you can’t go and work like this,” she nudged me.

“No you don’t understand; if I go to the doctors they will send me a bill in the post and that will make Rex go wild,” I explained, as I wiped my tears from my face with an already drenched and now tatty tissue. My tears had caused my mascara to run down my cheeks making it now very obvious that I had been crying.

I had always tried to doctor my own wounds, never attending a hospital or a doctor for any of my beatings in the past, out of fear that the repercussions from Rex would be worse than the first instance. Besides, the doctors would have known I was lying about any story I threw them as to how I had got injured.

“Just get it on record this time, in case anything more serious happens,” She begged me.

Every part of my body ached and eventually I agreed to Ritz’s persistent plea that I see a doctor. It made perfect sense what she was saying, since I had never had the courage to have it recorded in the past. Together, we prayed for the Lord's guidance and recovery before I left work in agitation about this ordeal, but knowing it was necessary.

When I reached the doctors practice I mentioned that I had received a beating from my partner, and before long was told that the doctor was not prepared to examine me because if he did, he would lose two full days of work due to being expected to attend court over a domestic violence incident. I was told that I needed to go to the district surgeon for an examination.

I stood there a bit bewildered for a moment as I processed what had just taken place, and considered what next to do. I had no idea where the district surgeon was located or even what a district surgeon actually was. I didn’t quite know what course of action to take to get where I needed to go. Without any transport of my own to get to the district surgeon, this would delay my return to the office and Rex would be waiting for me outside my workplace at the usual time. God most certainly must have been guiding me in my thoughts and actions. Previously if I had found myself in a situation involving Rex where I knew I would get clobbered, I would have just returned to work and cancelled the endeavor, but I didn’t. Although fear was raising its head, without giving it too much thought I telephoned my mother for a lift.

“Mom, I can’t really go into the details now, but is it at all possible for you to come and transport me to the district surgeon in a hurry? I’ll explain later.”

Mom came equipped with the address and directions, and en route she questioned me for an explanation as to what was going on. I was pre-occupied with how slowly the traffic was moving, the traffic lights that were taking too long to change to green and the time that ticked at a seemingly rapid pace. Time was moving faster than ever before and I vaguely related what had transpired briefly just touching the highlights.

“Friday night Rex knocked me around something silly and I’ve had enough.” I tried not to shock her too much as she was now driving. “I’m getting this down on record so that if anything more serious happens to me in the future, I can maybe do something about it.” I skimmed the surface quickly.

“The doctor refused to see me and said I have to go to the district surgeon, but I wouldn’t know where that is and I didn’t have transport to get there and back to the office before Rex arrives to take me home.” I summed it all up quickly, so as to not alarm her too much.

After arriving at the district surgeon, I was horrified to hear that he too would not be able to examine me without a case number. This meant that a charge needed to be made against Rex at the police department.

Mom saw the state I was in and especially the huge unsuccessfully covered bruise and protruding lump on my cheekbone. After having heard that Rex had beaten me up again, she had no doubt in her mind as to what we should do next and immediately we roared off in her car to the CR Swart Police Station in the city of Durban. This again would have been one of those moments where I previously would have just caved in to the fear that was charging through my body. It felt like being stuck to an electric cable with the voltage sizzling every nerve throughout my whole body but impossible to free myself.

This time I didn’t turn back, but kept shifting forward as God’s Holy Spirit was leading me by the hand through every obstacle, which turned out to be the very stepping stones of this previously hidden pathway. The way now appeared before me as I continued in faith trusting God.

In the sergeant’s office mom and I sat opposite the sergeant at his desk while he prepared to take my statement. Sitting on the edge of my chair, I fidgeted about feeling at a loss for words, and not really knowing where to begin. It was nerve racking to say the least and as the Sergeant questioned me for clarity I divulged what had been hidden for such a long time. The history of beatings rolled into each other in my mind and it was actually quite hard to remember the details because of the frequency of them and the number of years involved. Because my head had been smashed against the wall so many times, I was not able to remember some of the things that he had asked.

I was seriously concerned about getting back to the office before Rex did so I tried to keep my focus as I felt it was essential to provide facts and details. I wondered if my life history was really going to matter in the broader scheme of things. My memories had been smudged and clarity lost in the process, especially since I forgave Rex umpteen dozen times a week whenever he said, “Sorry.” I really forgave him and forgot the particulars so much so that when I saw the bruises later, I would have a problem remembering where they had come from.

Together, we ran over many facts as we unraveled our history together and in conclusion we covered the final beating. Mom sat sickened as she overheard the serious incidents that had taken place – even under her own roof without her awareness. After what seemed like hours working through my statement with the Sergeant, as it was drawing to a close, he filled in my address and he suddenly realized that I lived in an area outside of their jurisdiction. Although we lived on the other side of the city, it had been the closest police station to the district surgeon. He informed us to go to the Umbilo Police Station which was the nearest to my address and the procedure I needed to follow, as the CR Swart Police Station could not assist me any further.

“This cannot be happening to me!” I muttered to my Mom. “After all we have been through today, I’m stuck! What now?” I asked Mom. My body lurched into shock mode and fear gripped me by the throat so that I could scarcely breathe. The perspiration seemed to shoot out of every pore in my face, they joined the tears that raced down the sides of my face. I fumbled around in my bag looking for a tissue when my Mom reached out her hand with a bunch folded over for me, so I could dab my face dry.

In panic, I glanced at my watch for the fiftieth time today. My thoughts were fixed on Rex soon leaving his workplace toward mine. There was no way of retreat now that Mom had heard just some of the gory lifestyle I had been living through with Rex.

The police sergeant stated he could forward the file to the other police station, however he could not guarantee exactly when it would reach the destination. The time had run out and we had to proceed speedily to the Umbilo police station without going back to work at all. The case number suddenly became extremely important in acquiring some form of protection, as I would have to flee from Rex after finalizing my Statement.

I had not even realized that this was in fact the answer to prayer and the unfolding of God’s plan leading me out of my distraught lifestyle. This was a pivotal point and thus the reason for the underlying delays right through the day which had brought me to this point of no return.

I wondered whether the police station we were heading for was definitely the same police station where Rex had friends working and if so, whether they would be there now and what the possibility was of them recognizing me. I wouldn’t have recognized them, so it would have been a tricky situation. However it didn’t stop the niggling and harassing thoughts reminding me of the past situation when the Police that had responded to the callout for Rex beating me up outside my friend’s home, turned out to be one of Rex’s boxing buddies.

We sped across town and raced the clock in the hope that we would be able to get finished with the police and still collect some of my belongings from the apartment before Rex arrived home like a tornado on a wild path. I felt like I was falling apart at the seams. I knew that Rex would be waiting at my workplace and would soon come to the conclusion that I had eluded him.

Immediately upon arriving at the Umbilo Police Station, I got the impression that this was going to take far too long and it was time I really didn’t have available. All I could see were people standing around and also a bench full of others. All seemed to be waiting for assistance as only one officer stood behind the counter filling in a formal complaint for the person standing directly opposite him. They worked through the documentation while everyone else waited. I noticed two other police officers who seemed pre-occupied with matters as they buzzed around from one end of the office to the other. They were answering phones and looking a little stressed. To my disappointment I was presumably right at the back of an already long queue.

An officer walked in and looked over the crowd and suddenly approached me, “Has anyone helped you yet?” he said with a slight hint of authority in his voice. I was hoping that he was a higher rank than the rest.

I kind of squeaked and was scared I was taking someone else’s place in the queue. “No, I’ve just arrived and I see that everyone is busy.”

“No, everyone here is together in one big group, so you are next in line. How can I assist you?”

“Oh! I’m so relieved.” I let out a big sigh.

“We’ve just rushed all the way over here from the main CR Swart Police Station. . .” I went on to inform him with a brief summary of all that had just taken place today.

“Well, let me take down your statement then,” already with his pen in his hand, he reached over to grab a folded document to begin completing.

“Your name?” He proceeded to ask me all the usual personal particulars before getting to the meat of the issue on hand.

I noticed that he seemed to move a bit faster than the others and for that, I was very thankful. I was intently watching the clock and my mother. Since I had today already been through this process at the other police station, I was more prepared with the information required to just race through the points needing to be covered.

After finalizing my statement for the second time at the correct police station, the officer tried to assure me that they would assist if I needed them to protect me.

“Just phone us if you find yourself in any imminent danger and we will send a police response unit straight to you.” As the officer said this, he turned to the next person now waiting for assistance.

In reality, Rex could kill me before the police ever reached me and I knew not to place my sense of security in the police in South Africa. They had such a few police vans of which were expected to cover a huge area of responsibility and the daily crime kept each police vehicle busy all day long from one shift to the next. If anyone needed them it was never a quick fix, and one would have to hope that they weren’t tied up with some other crime at the time of an emergency.

Together, my mom and I jumped into her car and headed over to Rex’s mother and father’s house to collect Danny. I hoped that she hadn’t gone off to the shop or somewhere else as this would seriously throw a spanner in the works. I wondered whether she would become suspicious of my early arrival, obviously not having pre-warned her. Danny was only three years old and needed a great deal of encouragement to hurry him up whenever he had to find his shoes and jacket to go anywhere. Riding on the fact that my Mom had given me a lift and was waiting in the car, I briskly flew down the hall saying, “Hello, Ma.” I raised my voice as I threw it ahead of me trying to be extremely brief. Not connecting eyes with anyone, I just raced through the house looking for Danny’s things.

“Sorry I didn’t let you know I was coming early today, but I need to hurry as my Mom is waiting for us in the car.” I accelerated my words to indicate my speed.

Almost singing my words in haste, I called out to him, “Danny hurry up son, where are your shoes? Granny’s waiting for us in the car so we need to rush. Say bye to Ouma,” I nudged at Danny to say good-bye to Rex’s mom.

“Bye!” I shouted out over my shoulder as we made a beeline to Mom’s car.

I quickly got Danny seated in the car and then jumped in myself as Mom pulled off quickly to get us over to my flat.

“Oh my word, I’m so glad that’s behind me, and I’ve got Danny with me now.” Total relief filled my heart.

We arrived at my flat and lost no time in pulling out my clothes from my cupboard and chest of draws and stuffed them into large black plastic garbage bags at lightning speed. I gave no thought to anything else of mine that I was leaving behind, I just grabbed our shoes and clothes. I had saved up and purchased many of the items in the flat, but nothing was valuable enough to waste any time with since I had visions flaring up in my mind of Rex walking through the front door at any second.

As we loaded the last black bag into the back of Mom’s car, turning to Mom I clenched my fist as I shouted, “We’re out! Praise the Lord!”

Ensuring Danny was safely in the car, I gave another sigh as I slumped back in the car seat, gasping for breath from the pace at which we had accomplished our goal. “I think we have just made the quickest move in history!” What a wonderful sound as Mom hit the ignition.

Chapter Eleven

My First Major Victory

Danny and I hid ourselves in Mom’s bedroom behind her locked door, where we waited fearfully, ducking down low so that we weren’t able to be seen through the window. I was desperately trying to hush little Danny’s chattering voice so he would not be heard. The fear of Rex finding us was so strong that my pounding heart seemed to have a voice of its own. Danny had no inclination of what was going on and the serious nature of our circumstances. He must have thought it was a strange game where he had to remain quiet with his head low.

“Keep still and stop moving around! You really have to sit right here next to me on the floor and keep quiet!” I whispered to Danny, in a firm and irritated manner as I tried to keep my own voice down too.

My mouth was very dry with tension and anxiety escalating as I thought about Rex. I couldn’t get my mind to relax no matter how hard I tried and my nerves reacted with a sudden jolt of shock each and every time I heard a movement somewhere in the house. Mom and my sisters continued their usual afternoon chores quite unaware that my culminating fear had become panic causing my body to shake uncontrollably.

“This will be the first place he looks for me,” I pondered on what Rex’s reactions would be after not finding me at work. Glancing down at the time; I calculated his movements. I expected him to arrive at any minute.

There was a loud knock on the front door and Mom automatically went to answer it. She tightened her sarong around herself having just stepped out of the shower and grabbed the first thing she had found as a covering. She hadn’t expected to see Rex so soon, but tried to remain calm and collective as he stood in the doorway.

“Debbie’s not at work and I can’t find her. I don’t have enough petrol to go looking for her, so can you lend me some money?” Rex asked her.

She did not want to prolong the conversation so without hesitation she agreed and turned around clutching the edge of her sarong to ensure it didn’t slip open. She walked quickly down the passage towards her bedroom to collect her purse. Unbeknown to Mom, Rex followed her down the hall and because it startled her when she suddenly realized that he was right up close behind her, he immediately interpreted her reaction as confirmation that I was there.

Rex went ballistic as he ran towards the door pushing past Mom. He began banging on the door with full force. “Debbie, I know that you’re inside this bedroom.” He was shouting and spitting at the same time. “Open the door!” he demanded. “Look, I’m not asking you, I’m telling you that if you don’t open this door now, I’m going to kick it in.” He continued to bash with both fists on the door.

Mom was completely unprepared for the violence that was unfolding before her eyes and clutched tightly to her sarong which kept coming loose. She ran to phone the police.

Rex began kicking the door. “Boof! Boof! Boof!” “I know you’re inside there and I will get you!” Rex shouted on the top of his voice.

I kept extremely quiet, and put my hand over Danny’s mouth to make sure he didn’t utter a word as we sat like frozen icicles completely motionless. Fearing the door was about to come down, I held my breath not knowing what to do. Silently I prayed to God for His intervention. Just as I thought the door was definitely coming down, things seemed to get quieter.

Rex had gone into my sisters’ room and thinking of an alternative way to get me out of the bedroom. He said to Anne, lowering the tone of his voice and in a very calm approach he began, “Look what your sister is doing to me. Speak to her and ask her to come out.”

Then he left their room and his personality took on that of a mad man again, as he tore through the house breaking everything in sight. Mom was busy on the phone trying to get hold of the police and he ended her call by placing his finger on the receiver, as he passed her by. He ran outside around the back of the house to reach the bedroom window of the room where I had been hiding with Danny.

Suddenly I realized Rex had gone outside as I heard his footsteps approaching the window. Fearing he would somehow get through the window into the bedroom, I swept Danny up into my arms and unlocking the door, I rushed us through to the bathroom, diagonally across from the bedroom where we had been. Immediately locking the door from the inside, I put Danny down and prayed earnestly to God. “Help me Jesus please, I need you,” I whispered to God.

After smashing the windows in and ripping them off their hinges, he shouted profanities as he realized that he could not get in through the windows because of the burglar bars which are secured to almost all South African homes.

Hastily Rex made his way back into the house and again passing Mom, whose attempts to reach the police up to that point were unsuccessful, and was still trying to get through. He again placed his hand on the receiver cutting off her phone call. He glanced down the passage and noticed that the bedroom door was now open and reasoned I must have come out.

Rex sped down the hall into the room to find me and finding it empty, began running from bedroom to bedroom looking for me, until it dawned on him that the bathroom door was tightly closed. “Debbie, why are you hiding from me?” He called out to me. “Why won’t you come out to me?” he begged. “I won’t hurt you I promise.” He was trying to persuade me now with a different tone in his voice. “I knew you would pull off something like this, after Friday night. Please don’t leave me now,” he pleaded.

“I know that the police will be coming soon, so come out of the bathroom so we can talk.” Still pleading, Rex suddenly threw his full weight against the door, it sent shock waves through the house and the door looked like it was about to give way.

“Boof!” The sound of his shoe kicking in the door took my breath away. “I will get to you, and don’t think this mingy door will stand in my way!”

I knew in my heart this would be the wrong thing to do and held fast to my resolve to not allow him to get near me. Rex almost broke the bathroom door open as he tried relentlessly to get to me like an animal gone mad. He ran to and fro from the bathroom door, where he banged loudly and then outside around the front of the house to the bathroom window which was open but also fitted with burglar bars. Danny was terrified by the banging and shouting although I could not deal with him at that moment. My energy was channeled into keeping Rex out of the bathroom and staying alive.

Afraid the door was no serious obstacle for Rex, I tried to reinforce the strength of the door by leaning my back against it and lodging my feet into the groove between the water barrier of the shower and the floor. Suddenly I was almost knocked directly into the shower with the pressure of a full force bash of Rex running against the bathroom door.

“I’m getting in there one way or another,” Rex blurted out, as he continued kicking the door. “Nothing will stand in my way of getting you,” he shouted.

He ran down the hall yet again passing Mom still on the phone and for the third time, he ended her phone call as he ran out of the front door to the bathroom window another time; lifting himself up to see into the bathroom, his tone changing again into one of a plea for me to open up and come out of hiding.

“Rex, I’m not coming out and I don’t want to be with you any longer. You are dangerous and you won’t control yourself from hurting me. I cannot marry you and I do not wish to spend the rest of my life living in fear and pain,” I shouted out loudly.

“No, you don’t mean that” he shouted back at me. “I know you love me, I’m not giving up on us.” He persisted and sounded desperate. Rex ran through the house again to the bathroom door and made another attempt to break it down while I again leaned with my weight against the door. I tried to keep it from caving in completely. Before long, he again ran outside to the bathroom window, but passing Mom this time, he said to her, “You are dialing the wrong number.” He took the phone from her hand and dialed the correct number for her and gave back the phone into her shaking hand. (I will never understand that gesture!)

Finally reaching the police emergency hotline, Mom was told that there had already been many phone calls coming in from the surrounding neighbors making reports after having heard all the shouting and loud noises coming from her house. They assured her that a police response unit had already been dispatched and should be there shortly.

The relief oozed out of me as I took in one of my deepest breaths, finally hearing the sirens of the police rapidly approaching Mom’s house.

I heard the police vehicle stop outside the house and then a commotion as they grabbed hold of Rex and eventually threw him into the back of their van. I was later told that they had found him on the ground outside the bathroom window, rocking back and forth, curled up in the shape of a ball as he clasped his bent knees, crying.

With Rex now safely locked up in the back of the Police vehicle, they began to take our statements whilst we were all still pretty shaken up. My words could barely come out of my mouth to be able to converse with the officer asking all the questions. The doors and windows were in a seriously damaged state amongst other things. Mom pressed charges against Rex for that, and my charges against him were separate.

As we recalled the details of the drama that had stretched across the early evening, it felt as if we had lived through a thriller but that it was all real live action.

I was so grateful to God for protecting me through that nightmarish day and kept telling Him, “Thank you,” every few minutes. “Father God, I’m so thankful that you protected us, and that he didn’t manage to land even one punch on me.”

Deep inside, I knew that this would not be the end of the story and that Rex was still very much controlled by his obsession. I also couldn’t imagine what life would be like without Rex, since we had been together for so many years. It would only be with God’s help that I could go forward without Rex. Although he was temporarily contained at the police station, his very explicit threats played over in my head and I knew that he could carry them out. It was a daily battle to fight against the bombarding thoughts of fear concerning my situation. I knew that Rex could be lurking in the shadows and at any time, he could pounce on me like a tiger.

On this day, with the help of my Lord Jesus Christ my Deliverer, I achieved my first real victory over fear and from its vessel of destruction, manipulation and dictatorship. I was one step closer to freedom from Rex. He now knew that I no longer desired to be with him anymore; that the marriage was definitely off and not just delayed. Irrespective of how he processed that information and his own reality, it was now official.

I had in effect stood up to my Goliath which was my fear and this Goliath may need to have its head chopped off in stages. Somehow, I did not think that Rex was a Goliath that would go down with one smooth stone from my slingshot. God had the opportunity to empower me to become victorious over my fears and I had to trust that the plan God had set in motion was for my good. Although difficult, I had to believe that God would do what He promised in His Word because I surrendered my life to Him and believed in Him with my whole heart. I had to trust Him with my life and stomp on my fears. He gently kept reminding me, “Fear not!”

I had to learn not to trust in what I could see with my own eyes, or in what I knew about Rex, but I had to fix my eyes on God and believe for the impossible.

I was not naïve in realizing that even though I had victory in this battle, I still needed to win the war and . . .I knew Rex would be back with vengeance.

Chapter Twelve

The Knife Chase

Knowing that Rex had been locked up for the time being, I returned back to occupy our flat, now my flat, I thought. The police escorted him to the flat to collect his belongings while I stayed away during that time. I assumed that the police would put in place some kind of a restraining order, or just something to recognize the fact that if I phoned for police assistance, there would be an immediate reference to a related document of a higher level of authority, to enforce that Rex had to stay away from me. After all, they already had in their possession my statement of how he had been abusing me for all these years. They also had a record of the events of yesterday, as well as my mother’s statement and possibly others too. I wasn’t sure of how these processes worked and just how long they could hold him in custody for, but one thing was certain, nothing human could stop Rex and I knew this. Unless God really did some miracle, Rex would be back. I didn’t feel the liberty to encroach on Mom and her partner’s home and Dad was living in a Bachelor flat now, so he had no space for me there. I really had nowhere to run to.

Going to work the following day was a challenge and a half. I didn’t know whether I should phone in to ask for some kind of leave of absence, as I had no idea what to expect concerning Rex. But after plucking up the courage I proceeded to make my way to work. All that day however, the only thing I could think about was the likelihood of Rex being let out and immediately heading for me at my workplace. The possibility of Rex arriving and what might result thereafter sent shivers down my spine. The reception would unquestionably not be an obstacle for him, as he would just dart right past the reception desk and ignore any statements that she might order. The director of the company in which I worked was no easy character either. In her dictatorship, she would certainly not tolerate personal issues manifesting at work. Rex could quite easily do something ridiculous which might risk me losing my job.

This fearful nightmare continued to spin a web in my thoughts. I knew he would come but I didn’t know when. Getting any work done while I had this whole state of affairs jamming the roads of my brain just caused a complete write-off of the entire morning.

“What happened yesterday?” Ritz questioned me at tea break, as she entered the kitchen area at work. I tried to update her as briefly as possible in order to get her up-to-speed with my current scenario. As soon as she fully understood my situation, glancing at the time she suddenly signaled to me to follow her. She jolted to her feet and led the way. Leaning toward me she whispered, “Debs, I really think we ought to slip out of here just for a few minutes to pray together in the rest room. There is much more power in the prayer of two Christians that stand in agreement about an issue that they are really believing God for.

Since our break was almost over, I followed her nodding my head in agreement and extremely glad that she was there to support me in my restless and edgy state. “We need to pray that Rex doesn’t come here to smash you up and cause a scene. You don’t want to lose your job either.” She scurried ahead of me. “Let’s hope that we’ve missed the tea break crowd,” she commented as we entered the lady’s room.

“Perfect, we alone!” she remarked after bumping open the two toilet doors to make sure that nobody was there. Taking hold of both my hands, we closed our eyes and she began to pray in a firm and confident manner. “Heavenly Father, we come to you in that name above all names, the name of your precious Son, Jesus Christ. Lord, you said in Your Word that where two agree touching anything it shall be done. Father, we ask in agreement Lord, that you stop Rex from coming here to our workplace to hurt Deborah and from causing a scene. Father, we ask you to place your angels all around this place and especially Deborah, to protect her and her job. Lord we seal our request under the precious blood of Jesus.” And we both finished this Prayer of Agreement saying in unison, “Amen.”

We rushed back to our separate desks on opposite sides of a huge open plan office, as we worked in different positions and departments of the same company. At some point, the telephone rang and this time it was Rex on the other end of the line, as he began trying to soften me up into dropping the charges.

“You know how much I love you and I don’t know what came over me on Friday night. All this has been because of that and I’m so sorry for everything.” His apology came over sounding very sheepish. “Drop the charges. . . I’d do anything for you, you know that! Give me another chance, and I’ll never do it again, I promise. I really mean it!”

I never thought that I would find this decision hard at all, but when everything came down to it, it certainly was one of the hardest decisions that I had ever been faced with in my life. Rex was so much older so he actually robbed me of my youth, and the beautiful things I should have experienced through the normal process of marriage covenant, through the breaking of my virginity and falling pregnant at the correct time.

I never ever regretted having Danny, but it would have been far easier if I had been pregnant with him later on down the line. I missed out all those years of my youth including friendships and sleepovers, a normal school environment including everything that goes along with it, like school trips and parties and even prom night. All the normal growing up experiences and years of social development and activities were gone for me.

Here was the guy that I had loved with all my heart, who I had given myself to utterly and completely, when I was so young and naïve, and caught by all his smooth talk. After being trapped at such a young age, he crushed me physically, mentally and emotionally for the majority of six years, over a time period that should have been my most enjoyable years. He betrayed me in every way he could have and he’d humiliated me publically, virtually more often than I could remember. He’d basically destroyed every friendship I ever had with anyone, excluding Ritz and my parents, although he had subtly tried. And finally, he had nearly killed me many times, and I had lived in total fear and torment for most of the time we had been together. He destroyed me, and now he wanted me to just drop the charges!

I really battled with his begging and pleading and although I felt he deserved to rot in jail after everything he had put me through. I didn’t actually want to hurt him or cause him pain, but it was more for Danny’s sake though. I didn’t know how I would face my son with having to explain that I had got his daddy locked up in a prison cell. Scared of Rex however, the best place for him may have been jail, but I didn’t want to be the one to execute such a serious sentence. After discussing the matter at length with the investigator and officer in charge, I came to realize that if I went ahead and pressed the charges he would possibly go to prison and it was really the only way to make use of the authority’s help to keep him away from me. I finally gave in and dropped the charges, hoping that he would have understood now, through all this that I no longer wanted to be with him any longer. Mom however proceeded with her charges against Rex for the destruction of her property, and finally Rex received a suspended sentence.

That night back at the flat I was very uncomfortable, and with fear ‘screaming at me’ I paced the floor from window to window, looking out for Rex’s car and expecting him to pitch up at any minute since I knew him so well.

“God, I’m so thankful that you protected us thus far,” I prayed. “Please continue protecting us as you promised me,” I pleaded with God, since I was just beginning to understand His faithfulness.

There was a knowing within me that this would not be the end and at the same time I didn’t know what it would be like without Rex, as we had been together for so very long and it would only be with God’s help that a new future would unfold.

It was a daily battle to fight against the bombarding thoughts of doubt and fear about my situation, now suddenly a song began to play repeatedly in my mind, and before long I began to sing it - Geron Davis’ We Are Standing on Holy Ground - out aloud;

‘We are standing on holy ground

And I know that there are angels all around

Let us praise Jesus now

For we are standing in His Presence

On holy ground’

I knew from this song exactly what God was saying to me. He was telling me that He was with me and that His angels were standing around me too. I chose to believe God that He was protecting me and that His will would prevail, to give me a great future and destiny.

The prison scare did not hold this wild-man back and he immediately sought me out on the very first night of his release at the flat where we had been living together previously. He banged loudly on the door screaming threats. “Debbie, open the door! If you don’t open this door now, I’ll smash this window pane! There’s no way you’re getting away from me and this door with this big glass window in the center of it will definitely not stop me. You just open the door before there’s glass everywhere.”

What I had feared about the police not being able to keep Rex away from me was accurate. Rex kept pressing the issue for me to open up the door for him, and knowing that what he said was true; that the door was not going to stop him, I opened the door knowing what was in store for me.

With my nerves trembling hysterically, I was barely able to lift my hands, or even pick up the door latch to unlock the door. One thing I knew for sure was that I was in for a horrific night. I prayed that God would come through for me and Danny, so that I could survive to see another sunrise. Once I had caved in to his threats, and he was given access inside the flat, he change his attitude to that of a bargaining, pleading and even begging tone.

“Come on, you know that we are meant to be together.” He started trying to set the temperature so that he could bake me all night in the manipulated atmosphere of his intentions. “Please let me come home,” he begged. “I won’t lift my hands to you again, I definitely won’t. Danny needs me to be here, he needs to have me right here with him.” He was now playing on my mothering nature.

On and on and on and on and on. . . . . . he pleaded moving from one argument to the next, after which his tone swung into an aggressive manner again. “I’m not leaving here, and you know that, don’t you?” his voice became stern and he began rolling his neck and then stretching his fingers open and closed to scare me.

My ‘nerves were shot’ by this stage. I offered him some tea and walked out to the kitchen in the hope that he would cool down and his mood would again lighten, but he followed close behind me to the kitchen, possibly thinking I would try and escape out the back door which led from the kitchen down the fire escape.

Suddenly Rex swung around in the kitchen and grabbed the largest kitchen knife from among those hanging up. It was pointy, with a jagged edge and much longer than a large bread knife. I instantly dropped everything and somehow managed to escape passing him as I darted down the hall away from him. For a short while he proceeded to chase me around the flat with this huge knife in his hand. He threatened to kill me when he caught me; chasing me from one end to the other and then round the center of it, as you could freely pass throughout the flat in a circle when all the doors were open. I was no challenge for him, as he caught me without too much effort and stretching out, he grabbed my blouse and threw me onto the lounge couch, holding the knife point to my neck.

“What are you doing? You f—ing b-tch!” Rex vented.

“Did you really think you could escape me?” He questioned. He put a bit of pressure against my neck with the tip of the knife, “I can just push the point of this knife right through your artery and you will be dead in a few minutes.” He began toying with me.

“Don’t you think I will?” he asked.

Danny was there somewhere I knew, but where? I began praying within that God would intervene and that Danny would not see what was about to take place.

“Answer me!” he shouted.

“No. . . I believe that you think you love me, so you won’t end my life,” I very slowly answered him, so as to not bump the knife with my jaw as I spoke. “Please Rex, stop this madness and calm down, you must be frightening Danny for sure.” I pleaded in a very scared soft voice.

“Danny is the least of your worries right now,” Rex tightened his grip of my blouse with his other hand.

I kept praying in my mind, trusting that God would protect me and also to keep Danny out of the lounge and away from us, so that he didn’t see what Rex was doing to me. I didn’t know exactly where Danny was, but just prayed that he would fall asleep, since he was used to hearing Rex shouting about everything.

“I spoke with some people and it turns out that the police cannot force me to stay out of this flat, because my name is written on the lease with the council,” Rex gloated. Shocked at the statement I had just heard, I couldn’t dispute the matter and thought I would contact the police tomorrow in the light of what Rex had just said but first I had to get through this night alive. Rex would get extremely angry and after ranting, raving, swearing and threatening me, he would eventually run out of steam and just sit on the couch in the lounge, holding me. I was careful not to pull away or do any sudden movements, but just calmly to say whatever I needed to say so as to not anger him.

Keeping silent for the most part, I prayed to the Lord almost the whole time, trusting that God would help me with wisdom on what to say to keep Rex at bay and everything else that came across my mind. Rex would talk about lots of different things and then suddenly something he touched on would trigger him off again and infuriated by this trend of thought, he would begin the whole cycle of emotional insanity again.

Much later on in the evening, Rex lifted me to my feet, and pushed me all the way through to my bedroom where he threw me onto the bed and removed my clothing and tried to have me. I was not interested in being intimate with him and he became enraged, but this time not at me. He realized that it was because of what he was doing to me that caused me to reject him. The feelings of rejection started overwhelming him as he began to cry and hit his fists against the wall above his head.

“I’m so sorry about the way I’ve treated you, you don’t deserve what I’ve put you through.” He lay next to me crying. “I know that you don’t love me anymore and it’s because of what I have done to you.” He began rolling into his usual aftermath, the process of which I was well familiar with and he wasn’t about to catch me out with it any longer.

I felt sorry for him in his state of rejection; something he was not accustomed to from me or any other young female, who would jump at the chance of being with him. He lay next to me all night, holding my naked body, as I lay extremely still. I was ever aware of the possibility of another mood swing where he would fly off the handle and beat me, if I didn’t play along carefully. I lay awake and not able to get rid of Rex, so the night stretched on for me and extremely unbearable; one I knew could become far worse within seconds. I just pretended to be sleeping, as I prayed silently all night long. It would take time to investigate the law with regard to whether or not I could refuse him entry to the flat; something which I had been unsuccessful doing and that night was a typical example.

Rex went off to work the next morning, and I pretended as if I was going to work too, but with life upside down as it was, and after having no sleep all night, I contacted my boss excusing myself from work and asking for some time off. Immediately I phoned the police enquiring as to what my standing was in regards to what Rex had said.

They eventually confirmed his statement was correct and that in order to have police protection, I would have to vacate the flat, as he was not trespassing since the flat was in his name too.

“Hi Daddy,” I phoned my dad as a last resort.

“H-e-l-l-o Debbie,” dad answered me almost singing, as he usually does when he hears my voice on the phone.

“Daddy, I have to ask you a big favor.” I was very hesitant to ask but now desperate. “I know that you don’t have space in your bachelor flat, but I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t absolutely critical.” I began to lay my case before him. “Daddy, I have to flee from my flat, as Rex is being impossible and won’t stay away from me. Last night he chased me with the biggest knife in the flat and I’m actually shattered right now after having no sleep at all with his crazy mood swings,” I tried to fill dad in as briefly as possible.

“Why did you let him in?” Dad responded in horror.

“I had to otherwise he said he’d break the glass in the door and let himself in. Daddy, I don’t have anywhere to go and no financial backing to set me up anywhere quickly, so do you think that I could possibly stay at your place in the lounge just for a month or two, so that I can get enough money together for a deposit?” I finally came out with it, but reluctantly to say the least.

“You will have to sleep on the couch in the lounge, and I don’t think that it will be very comfortable.” Dad sounded quite unsure of just how this was going to work since there was Danny to consider as well.

“Just one more thing Daddy, do you think you could collect us and our things today, as I need to get out of here fast?” I popped the last question without delay. I wasted no time in gathering my belongings that same morning and dad collected us soon thereafter. I had to leave before Rex came home otherwise it was not going to happen.

I had nowhere to keep my furniture, and this was the least of my concerns at this stage, I just needed to get out alive and before Rex caught wind of my intentions. Knowing my circumstances, he probably thought I had nowhere to go, so he didn’t bother checking up on me that day.

Since the divorce, my father was living in the North Beach area of Durban, where he welcomed me and I moved in to share the couch in the lounge along with Danny. It was rather helpful that dad lived in the same road as my job and I had often been to his place with Ritz, my prayer partner, during lunch times. It was great being close to the office and Danny began attending a nursery school out in Durban North that picked him up and dropped him off afterwards, a perfect arrangement since I had no transportation of my own—not even a driver’s license.

The sky seemed bluer each day as the heart within me began to heal while it would bask in the love of God Himself. The Lord gently started to resuscitate my almost lifeless heart that had been struggling to hold on to what I believed God was leading me through. I was hoping that it would all prove to be finally worth all the agony I had gone through to get this far. The Lord had given me a supernatural courage to believe that He would make a way where there seemed to be no way.

In the early mornings, the sun shone intently into the high rise apartment window and directly onto my face waking me up early for prayer. Each dawn seemed more beautiful than the one before. It was a summer season of rising temperatures and the heat dazzled off the building. Durban was known to experience serious heat waves and here on the beachfront, the sun, sea and tranquility of this natural setting was simply beautiful. The runners lined the beachfront in the early hours of the mornings and at the end of the day. Surfers combed the beach and surfed for hours on end—even at night. The sea enticed me and distracted me from the mayhem of life. In these early times of the day, I drew into God and it was here that He spoke words of encouragement. I left for work uplifted and ready for the day ahead but always keeping my eyes open for Rex or any of his friends.

I began playing my upbeat Christian music all the time and I could see that Dad began to enjoy it. He even started singing the lyrics and moving to the rhythm of the beat. I resumed attending my church that Rex had previously prohibited out at Durban North. I also managed to convince Dad, but realized later that it was actually the Holy Spirit who drew him to join me in attending church there.

It was wonderful to again be able to attend church freely and immediately I joined the praise and worship team as a singer and also began attending youth and Homecell again. It was like water on a dry and thirsty land and my spirit, soul and body began to drink in from the Word of God. It was wonderful to have the support of an awesome Christian friendship. Other than my friend Ritz, I had been starving for Christian friends and after everything that I had been going through, I found myself at church almost every night of the week except Saturday nights.

I also enrolled in Bible School as I wanted to know everything I could about God and how I could fulfill my pre-ordained destiny. There was always something happening at the church that I could get involved with and of course, the more I was at church or at someone’s home, the less likely I would be somewhere that Rex could easily find me. Rex knew I had started attending that church again.

It never ceases to amaze me to what lengths the evil one will go to manipulate and try to regain control. Since Rex briefly knew the pastors from before, he thought he had an in with them and contacted them with crazy stories about me. He wanted the pastor to talk some sense into my head and pressure me to go back to him. He would send them long letters which were twisted like he had an understanding of the Word of God. He had a very strange foundation of the Bible from what he had learned while connected to that racist group that believed that the black people were not even human. I would receive his letters one after the other, long and double sided, written by hand and quoting scriptures totally out of context.

At Christmas time, Danny and I went away on a holiday with Mom and my sisters. Dad joined us to spend a bit of time with my sisters and me. It was a wonderful family time. At this unfamiliar holiday spot down the south coast from Durban, I felt safe. I was away from the usual places where I had to keep looking over my shoulder – afraid Rex could jump out to attack me at any time. During this break, I relished the opportunity to rest and caught up on much of my lost sleep. I slept and slept and slept. Even on Christmas day the family had to wake me up at lunch time as I lost all track of time and almost slept Christmas day away too. As I began to unwind from all the anxieties of these extreme trials, the trauma started to seep out of me and my body began a process of restoration while I was sleeping. Soon, I was feeling like a brand new person after this time of recuperation.

I finally had reached some invisible level of faith, to believe that I was now out of the lion’s den and the claws of death. The Lord had been faithful to help me thus far and I was now sure that He would continue to protect me as He had promised in His Word. I reflected on how the hand of God had protected me against all odds and that he had taken me through my darkest hour safely, even in the face of my greatest fear.

Rex continued with his threats and I was in constant prayer. My trust in God had to remain steadfast in these times and I earnestly asked for His protection over my life daily whenever Rex crossed my mind. Whenever fear would raise its head, I would pray and it would lift as I focused and trusted God to protect me. I remained alert, and yet experienced God’s inner peace which surpassed all my understanding. I had tried so many things in my past, but there was nowhere else I could go to find this kind of inner peace that filled my heart to the brim, calmed my soul, gave me joy that put a quick in my step and a song in my heart.

In the natural realm I was facing some huge challenges not just about Rex, but about finding a home that I could afford on one very basic salary. I was unsettled about where it would be located and about finances for everything Danny and I needed. He had nursery school fees coming up and there was always utilities, food, transportation etc. I also wanted someone in my life who really loved me and my heart ached so much to find a companion even though God kept assuring me, “I am with you always, even to the very end” (Matthew 28:20) and “Do not worry about tomorrow” (Matthew 6:34). God knew what I needed and I trusted that He would be faithful to provide everything.

Chapter Thirteen

Escaping Death

I knew God would answer my prayer for the right flat and it really was even better than I had anticipated and not too expensive for its location. My new apartment was categorized as a ‘one bedroom flat,’ of which Danny and I shared the bedroom, with a large cupboard partitioning the room into two. It was quite a big bedroom, so it worked well for us both. From the corridor, the entrance opened into a ‘V’ shaped flat, with the lounge ahead on the left hand side and the bedroom ahead on the right hand side. The kitchen was located on the immediate left from the entrance area and the bathroom on the immediate right. My new apartment was right on the Victoria Embankment and part of the big city of Durban. I needed only to catch one of those little buses to get me to and from work in the North Beach area. It was convenient to everywhere and it was perfect!

It was on the seventeenth floor of a massive block of flats which overlooked the Durban Harbor and on the opposite side of my apartment, the City of Durban. The view from both our bedroom and the lounge windows was breathtaking; the large windows stretched the entire width of the lounge and our bedroom and out of which I gazed at the exquisite sunrises and sunsets with a view second to none, especially at night with all the millions of city lights, it was quite captivating and hard for me to pull myself away from the beautiful scenes.

I was the one that needed to bring up little Danny now and every cent was accounted for as we lived on an extremely tight budget. Trusting God for our food every single month was a necessity since my salary was not sufficient to even include food with having to cover all the bills. Nevertheless, this situation was a perfect opportunity for the Lord to use in my early spiritual growth and development, to strengthen my faith muscle. It was a stretching and growing time for me as I learned to trust God in other areas of my life besides protecting me from Rex.

Danny was now alternating weekends between Rex and me. On one particular weekend Rex began questioning Danny for information about me and in his innocence, Danny mentioned a guy that had started visiting us. Of course this lit a fuse of dynamite on the inside of Rex, and he set off to kill me yet again.

The doorbell rang and as I peered through the keyhole I recognized one of Rex’s old friends.

“Hey Debs, I saw you earlier and thought I must come by to say hello and let you know that I’m also staying here in the same building.” He was shouting so I could hear him through the closed door. I believed him as it didn’t sound totally unrealistic with over five hundred flats in this apartment block I had recently moved into. It had been many years since I had seen him, and it was very likely that he had lost contact with Rex.

I opened the door and he had disappeared, but in his place was Rex who barged his way into my flat. There was no way of escape as I caught a glance at his flick knife while he pushed me backwards. He grabbed my hair and dragged me round the flat in absolute rage. It was a pretty sound proof flat by design, except for the kitchen which had a window that opened right into the corridor and so whatever was spoken in the kitchen could be overheard by those walking along the corridor.

He pushed me around in the lounge shouting about me leaving him. He then started in on me about the guy he had heard had been visiting us. He pushed me against the cabinet in the lounge and began shouting one question after another.

“Who is this guy that’s visiting you?” He yelled at me eyeball to eyeball with his face almost touching mine. He punched the wall-unit right next to my face. “Where will I find this guy?” He began interrogating me as he placed the cold blade of his flick knife against my cheek.

Spinning me around, he grabbed my arms and forced them together behind me. He jammed my face up against the wall-unit as he lifted my arms to inflict pain and tried to squeeze an answer out of me.

“I really don’t know where he is at the moment,” I whined
in pain.

“Don’t muck about with me; just give me exactly what I want to know.” He hissed in my ear and I noticed that he was frothing at the mouth. “I want to know exactly where I can find him. He made a big mistake when he got involved with you!” His rage was over the top. “A very big mistake! You made a very big mistake that you are going to regret and I will make sure of that!” He repeatedly swore at me using vulgarity which was the only way he knew how to express himself.

He continued to badger me, “I said where? Tell me where? I want to know right now!” He was insistent and his anger was reaching a boiling point.

Pulling me into my bedroom; he turned me around face forward and threw me backwards onto my double bed as he pounced on top of me. He tried to kiss me on the mouth and was slobbering all over my neck. He held back my arms with his hands so that I couldn’t defend myself.

“You are mine, so stop trying to stop me from kissing you.” I kept avoiding his mouth by turning my head each time he tried to kiss me.

He leaned to one side as he grabbed both my hands and threw them above my head and then held them there together with just one of his strong hands; forcing them in place, as he unzipped his trousers with his other hand. “You might as well stop fighting me off because there is nothing you can do to stop me,” he claimed, with such a vicious expression on his face. “I will take what is mine!”

I struggled under his force as he tried to strip me and have his way. It could only have been by God’s help that I suddenly managed to escape out of his grip and lifting my legs I thrust him off me, using every single molecule of strength I had.

“I am going to kill you!” Rex threatened, as he immediately retaliated by picking up his flick knife. He chased me into the kitchen shouting, “If I cannot have you, then nobody will!”

With the loudest scream I could possibly muster and throwing my voice in the direction of the kitchen window in the hope that somebody would hopefully hear me and respond, “Heeeeeeelp!”

The next thing I knew, I was standing in the hall just outside the kitchen door and opposite the bathroom with no recollection of how I got there. Rex suddenly rushed up to me and was standing in front of me and looking a bit confused, he began to unpack the contents of his blanket shirt pocket. His voice sounded suddenly desperate and he was grabbing my hands as he tried to open them whilst offloading everything from his pockets into my trembling hands.

“Here is my ID book; bank card; flick knife; keys. . . If I cannot have you then I’m going to kill myself.” Rex turned in the direction of the lounge and began running towards the open window.

I saw him take a running leap, as he launched himself into the air . . .

Being in such a state of panic I gave no thought to what the outcome would be for him. With my mind in a totally traumatized state and having seen him leaping towards the window, I turned in the opposite direction toward the front door of my flat to escape.

The door was shut tightly as the winds were extremely strong up on the seventeenth floor where I lived. I tried to open the door quickly but battled to pull it open because of the wind’s back suction, which seemed to oppose me, but finally it yielded to my determination to escape. I ran to my neighbor’s flat as I was aware that a new caretaker had recently moved in there and I stood in the corridor banging on his door loudly and repeatedly and shouted, “Help! Please help me! Hurry! Please help me quickly! Please hurry! Help me!” I pleaded urgently without relent.

Everything happened so suddenly and it was hard to think with any clarity. It took some time as the caretaker unlocked his security gate and the seconds seemed like minutes as I stood shaking in panic. My heart stopped the moment I saw Rex flying around the corner out of my flat door into the corridor to chase me down. I shoved the security gate open the moment that the caretaker unlatched his security gate, and flung myself into the neighbor’s apartment for safety, screaming,

“He’s coming! He’s coming! He wants to kill me!”

In panic I shrieked, “Don‘t let him get me! Don‘t let him in!”

A perplexed caretaker stepped out of his flat to stop Rex from entering his flat, but then Rex turned and escaped via the fire exit stairwell with the caretaker in pursuit of him. I thought my heart would never return to normal after this. My breathing was out of kilter and my mouth was dry making it hard for me to speak. My whole body was tense and my mind was in a complete muddle.

I was so thankful to God that I had escaped Rex’s clutches yet again. I sat on the floor of the caretaker’s lounge gasping for breath and his wife sat on a chair close by not knowing what was going on. I was at a loss for words and just sat there trying to recover, now that I felt a bit safer.

I heard the gate and my body froze until I saw that it was the caretaker. “He ran down the fire escape so fast that I didn’t manage to even get close to him.” As he shook his head looking downwards, he was feeling awkward or even guilty about something.

From the moment I saw the caretaker walk into the lounge, I felt that I knew this man from somewhere, and the longer I sat there listening to him talking to me and his family I began to remember him clearly. When he mentioned his name, it suddenly dawned on me that he was Rex’s amateur boxing trainer from years ago before Rex turned professional. He had subsequently become a family friend who used to visit Rex’s family. I hadn’t seen him for many years, and he probably was trying to avoid any familiar discussions, in the hope that I wouldn’t recognize him. I realized then, without a doubt, the reason why Rex had managed to escape through his fingers.

The following day, Dad and I went to the police station to lay charges against Rex, who was still under the terms of the suspended sentence he had previously received. Surely they would lock him up for a period of time. They had to!

After working through the details of my statement with one of the officers at the police station, and not knowing what category this attack would fall into, I was informed that because of the nature of this attack, it would be termed as indecent assault.

Three days later my memory recalled that there had also been a kitchen incident previously omitted from my statement. I remembered that Rex had charged at me with his flick knife to kill me in the kitchen, but still didn’t remember what happened after I screamed, and what had stopped him stabbing me, and how I got outside the kitchen when he suddenly wanted to commit suicide. I phoned up the police station to inform them of the additional details I had now remembered concerning that Friday evening attack, and the detective told me that this was actually attempted murder.

He also confirmed that he had been the one questioning Rex when he confessed to him in the prison cell, that he had tried to kill me that night in the kitchen. I felt that this more accurate charge would hold much more serious repercussions for Rex and that possibly this was now all I needed to finally stop Rex in his tracks from further attacks on me or anyone I showed interest in. I was then however told that I was not allowed to change my charge to attempted murder as my statement had already been made and could not be changed, so Rex walked out a free man.

This puzzled me for some time, since I thought that I had understood His Word found in Romans 8:31 which says, “What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?” So why would He let Rex go free? It plagued me, but I realized later that God wanted me to excel in learning how to walk with Him daily as my everything; Deliverer; Protector; Provider; Councilor; Advocate; Judge; Healer and closest Friend to name a few. I was still learning about my relationship with God.

He wanted me to fear Him more than Rex and to know that God was able to humble Rex and stop him in whichever way He wanted to. I also realized that God saw things from a completely different perspective, taking all things and all concerned into consideration, even the impact His decisions make on others around those involved in the past, present and future. His decisions impact even future events. God was very capable of dealing with Rex in ways that would make far greater impact, if not now then later. I just needed to trust Him as the One who held my future in the palm of His hand. I had to believe that He was not going to drop me, leave me or turn His back on me—ever!

As for Rex, he finally got the message that I was not coming back to him. I was not concerned with whether he accepted it or not. He began working on his next strategy of how he was going to get me back.

Chapter Fourteen

The Friendly Deception

Rex didn’t give up and spent lots of time wallowing in his losses and self-pity. He was still deeply obsessed with me and determined to get me one way or another; it finally dawned on him that the only way he could get me to willingly come back to him was if he became a Christian too. He then began to attend one of the largest churches in Durban with attendance running into the thousands.

Long letters streamed in from Rex with scripture verses all over them. He had his own interpretations of the Scriptures that did not line up with what I had been taught, nor did they jell with my spirit.

I was surprised to discover that his Homecell leader did not pick up on his deceptive ways and double life. He started attending their Bible School. Every now and again he would let it slip about his drinking and fighting sprees. I asked him why he was going to Bible School twice a week in the evenings if he was still pursuing his life of drunkenness and fighting and his reply to me was,

“I can’t let you know more about the Bible than me.”

Whatever his motivation, I had decided that he was not going to deceive me again and there was no way I was going to invite him into my heart after what I had been through with him for so many years.

God, in His great wisdom however, chose this as a perfect plan to protect me during this season of my life. Rex was expected to walk the walk and talk the talk of a Christian at least while he was in front of me. He had to do this for his plan to succeed in convincing me that he had changed. This meant that he couldn’t be attacking and beating up on me anymore.

Deep inside, I already understood that a Christian is known by their fruit and not by what they say only. (See Matthew 7:16.) It was clear that Rex was not walking in a sincere relationship with God because his actions (fruit) came to light when the stories leaked out about his undercover lifestyle.

His heart was very bitter toward me and he just couldn’t keep himself from lashing out about me to every single person that he met.

As I embarked on dating other Christian guys in the church and tried to establish any kind of normal relationship with anyone who was a Christian, Rex would make sure he befriended them somehow. He zoned in on them to speak lies about me in passing, just to darken my character in their eyes. Other times he would pretend that he was in a relationship with me and that we were working through things. He managed to scare off most of my potential dates altogether. The lies he spread about me absolutely shocked me when they eventually came to my ears but I trusted the Lord to vindicate me as His Word says. One way or another he squelched any attempts of guys to get serious with me. God however works all things out for His glory, for those who love Him.

I can remember thinking that I would never be able to settle down and get married with Rex lurking in the shadows and telling lies about me to every person he met. He was always trying to sway the opinions of everyone against me including some of the leadership in the church.

Although I could have left the church at any time, I was led by God in a dream to attend that specific church which happened to also be where Rex had been going already. I needed to be obedient to God irrespective of Rex. God always knows better and never does anything without purpose and His reason I was soon to discover.

Rex was more outside of the church than in and spent the services there patrolling for car-guard duty instead of hearing the Word of God. I had escaped death but this too, was some form of not being able to live my life without harassment and manipulation in a different way.

Now and again I would give in to Rex’s pestering, to go somewhere together so that he could supposedly show me that he had changed. I tried very hard to walk a tight rope, not giving him any false hope, but trying wholeheartedly to avoid conflict and a dangerous situation springing up. I was well aware of what Rex was capable of doing and riding on the fact that he was now supposed to be changed, I allowed a certain limited amount of interaction with him by phone. I even attended the odd family event such as a wedding; all in the hope of maintaining a level of friendship in a different way for Danny’s sake.

He managed to initially start each encounter with no problem, but then he would start arguing and trying to use the Word of God. Unfortunately, he was using it completely out of context and in the wrong spirit. It disturbed me terribly and I couldn’t wait to get home. Our times were still very stressful and I was always on edge because he tried to get too close. I didn’t want to give him any inclination that I still had some feelings for him hidden deep down somewhere that he could lasso and reel in.

During this period of my life I really developed in my faith. I learned to trust God for everything because I had no one paying my bills for me; there was no one else to depend upon beside God.

I specifically exercised my faith many times and I asked Him for a working car, a convenient flat and a loving husband. When I prayed for these in particular, I was extremely specific concerning the details, but His Word says we can ask with assurance.

The car came first about two weeks after I really began to believe God for it. For Danny’s sake, I needed to move closer to a school. My grandmother gave me her car as a result of receiving another car exactly the same through the passing away of a relative. My car license came as a result, but it too had a testimony of its own.

The flat came with a tricky situation as the management of my current apartment required a two-month notice to leave. Usually apartments are not advertised that long in advance. I learned that after praying about an issue in faith, I had to trust God no matter what the situation looked like. It was just days before I had to move out of the old apartment and I still had not found a new one. I was worrying about all the details until I actually released my worry to God and believed He was moving on my behalf. It was after I gave Him the problem that the apartment materialized for me. It was another great answer to my prayer for accommodation that I could afford on my single salary. The flat became available in the Glenwood area which was close to a school for Danny and the specific area I had requested in prayer. Danny was due to be enrolled into Junior Primary School soon, but there had been nothing decent close to where we had been living in the big city of Durban.

My miracle flat was surrounded by schools and in particular the school I had attended myself as a child, and it had previously been classified as a rent controlled flat and still now very much lower than any other accommodation out there. Mostly these flats don’t make it to the newspaper advertisements before being snatched up. I knew God had heard my prayers for He reserved one for me from the endangered species of flats, and almost now completely extinct. God was so good! He made a way where there seemed no way.

Then came my husband . . .

Chapter Fifteen

My Knight in Shining Armor

“You will never find anyone else that will love you!” Rex’s curses rang in my head for a long time.

It really did feel at times like I would never find someone who would love me, and all the years of verbal abuse and public degradation had made a huge dent in my self-worth. Words are very powerful and they have the potential to release hope or to destroy life; my experience was the latter with Rex. His frequent laser sharp vulgar words that he would send like arrows into my heart had pierced my identity and crippled me emotionally with rejection breathing my airspace. His words had sunk deep into my subconscious and formed part of how I perceived myself to be and believed others saw me in the same way.

My eyes had suddenly deteriorated during the “Big Escape” as a result of the trauma and therefore I had worn glasses which only enhanced my low self-esteem and feelings of ugliness. I believed no guy would take a second look at me and eventually I obtained contact lenses a year later.

For two years after escaping Rex, I experienced turbulent times calling out to God for a true Christian husband with a desperate cry in my heart now. I spent lots of time pounding Heaven in faith for my spiritual man who would also love my son. I had learned that when we are trusting God for something, we ought to be specific in our prayers and in so doing, it would be clear that God had answered my prayer. I therefore particularly prayed that God would grant me a husband that placed God first in his life as I knew that if His relationship with God was first place in his heart, then God would cause him to love me in the way that he really should.

I prayed that he would be a full time worker for the Lord, like a pastor and that he would love my son too, as well as being a real man who would not ever physically abuse me. I did not want my future husband to be scared of Rex and also that he would desire marriage quickly because of the Rex issue. In the natural, things looked pretty bleak and it seemed like an impossibility to find a serious relationship in my age group.

I needed someone who was responsible and stable enough to be a real father to my son; someone who was mature in their lifestyle and decision making enough to be a good example to him. Danny was so precious and deserved only the best. Most men around my age (almost twenty-one) were not interested in settling down yet and that alone was cause enough for guys to steer clear of me. Add to that the fact that I already had a child and the Rex scenario to deal with. I felt that I really needed a miracle to happen for me to find true love.

Eventually I did meet the man of my dreams; my knight in shining armor. It was an evening when two homecells combined for one night of socializing. I had begun hosting a homecell at my flat in Glenwood and we all went out to join a homecell over on the Durban South Beach area. We noticed each other across the lounge but no real conversation between us took place that night. However that was where it began. . . and the love never ceased.

My car was awaiting repairs with Max as a favor to his friend Rex. Still trying to get into my good graces, Rex had called on a favor to get my clutch repaired. Max historically had been a truck mechanic but was now an alcoholic. The days became months and passed by without any progress from the arrangement to have my car fixed.

“Do you know anyone in the church who can fix cars?” I enquired of Jewels, a mutual friend. “I’m on a very limited budget and need a miracle.”

“Not off the top of my head,” he answered, “but let me think about it and I will get back to you soon.”

A few days later at homecell Jewels brought up the subject about my car. “Billy fixes cars,” Jewels piped up. “Do you remember that guy that was at the combined home group gathering the other night? Why don’t you ask him on Sunday at church if he will take a look at your car for you?”

That Sunday I braved approaching Billy and asked him directly, “Do you know how to fix cars?” To which he replied, “Yes, I can fix cars.” He nodded his head slowly and a smile stretched from one ear to the other.

I was overjoyed to say the least and we exchanged phone numbers. “Is your car parked at your home?” he questioned to establish the task at hand.

“No, it’s actually at somebody else’s home and they are supposed to be fixing it but haven’t done it yet and I really don’t think it’s going to get fixed with him. I can’t get hold of the guy either, as he doesn’t have a phone.” I tried to fill Billy in on the situation very speedily as church was about to begin.

“Don’t worry about that as the van I drive has a tow-bar so we can just go there and collect your car after work one day this week. It shouldn’t be a problem at all,” Billy said very confidently.

Billy did retrieve my car from Max although this was a lengthy ordeal and took a number of trips to recover it. Every time Billy came over to collect me to drive there it ended up being an unsuccessful endeavor. With the complication of Max not possessing a phone, there were times we arrived at his flat to find that he was not around, and on other occasions when he was there, he would swing us some unbelievable story of not knowing where the keys were, or that the parts of my car were locked up in another car and for some reason he couldn’t get them out. This gave Billy and me a few initial opportunities to meet up for coffee.

“Would you be interested in going with me to a wedding in Pietermaritzburg on Saturday?” Billy asked me one night over coffee.

“Yes thank you, I would love to accompany you to the wedding.”

“It’s a couple from the church I used to attend in Pietermaritzburg and I really don’t want to miss this one as they’re a great couple,” he said.

So our first official date was to a wedding but during the interim Billy asked me out to dinner the Friday night prior and of course, I agreed. That night Billy and I stood in the lounge conversing with the lounge door half open as Rex dropped by to take Danny for the weekend.

On arrival Rex realized I had a male in my apartment and he went wild. He started shouting as he punched the already open door, running into the lounge fuming uncontrollably. He grabbed hold of my blouse around my throat and lifted me up as I trod air to my bedroom. Rex was shouting at me non-stop, verbally attacking me in my own flat. He was treating me as if this was his place and in some way he was marking his territory knowing that my date would think he was still in the picture.

Billy stood in the lounge awkwardly confused about the mayhem unfolding dramatically before him and it seemed to him as if Rex and I might still have been together and possibly I was cheating on Rex. Eventually Rex stormed out with Danny trailing behind him after his immature tantrum ended. I could not absorb all of that as my mind was focused on what Billy must have been thinking. Would he also run away like the others after seeing all this?

“I’ll explain everything later over dinner,” I promised Billy secretly hoping that he wasn’t going to cancel our dinner date now. He stood there dumbfounded about the incident that had just taken place in front of him and we both felt extremely uncomfortable about the scenario.

Thankfully the date proceeded and as promised I detailed my whole story to Billy that night over dinner, covering everything leading up to the event of earlier that afternoon. Billy decided to be present at the end of the week-end when Rex returned Danny to drop him off and was determined to ensure that Rex didn’t harass me again.

My knight in shining armor had arrived, and I was captivated by his big eyes, dark curly locks, big strong shoulders and his confidence intrigued me. Every time I thought about him, I got butterflies and already felt a strong inner connection right from the start of our relationship. He was the Christian I had been praying about for over two years. Since the breakup with Rex, I had believed that God would send a relationship that would provide for Danny and me and honor Him.

My heart was alive once again and together with the feelings of romance and excitement. There was very little sleep because almost every night Billy would visit me and we’d sit chatting over coffee and popcorn until about two o’clock in the morning. It was a new day and it definitely seemed that God had answered the cries of my heart. I felt a new hope arising on the inside of me as our relationship grew at a very fast pace. We were spending long hours together, divulging the depths of our hearts and sharing our deepest secrets as if we had been waiting all our lives to meet one another.

Discussing the Lord with Billy was a great privilege I hadn’t had before and we were both at a place already in our relationship with God whereby we had foundational spiritual principles in operation in our everyday lives. One of them was spending time with our Lord regularly and dialoguing with Him early in the morning before starting the day. It is a beautiful experience and discipline that we also enjoyed sharing with each other at times when God had downloaded a really special revelation into one of our hearts.

Two weeks after our first date we got engaged to be married. Billy took me out to a steak house restaurant within a popular mall on the Durban beach front for dinner. When I took a sip of my Grapetiser, I noticed the engagement ring at the bottom of my glass. He had slipped it in without me noticing. Of course my answer was “YES!”

Billy was ten years my senior and we both shared the desire to settle down quickly. He also already had a son by the name of Billy, who was just six months younger than Danny. It was all perfect – almost as if it had been planned to make it a complete family right from the outset. He loved the outdoors using any excuse to have a BBQ and was living in a caravan due to his work commitments having to travel out of town for periods at a time and work on site.

A week or two after we had officially been engaged, I approached a church leader and pleaded with her to please tell Rex to leave us alone. He had not ceased his angry phone calls swearing at me, and spreading lies to everyone who would listen to him, as well as the occasional harassing encounters. These were totally unacceptable as a Christian and also out of order considering I was now engaged to Billy.

The ‘Rex Deception’ was written all over the face of that church leader as she proceeded to instruct me to return to Rex due to having been engaged to him previously, and also because we had a child together. It was apparent that she did not hold all the facts and his deceptive nature had confused her even concerning scripture. His deception was so strong that he managed to pull the wool over the eyes of other leaders in that church too. There had been no peace in my past relationship with Rex and I knew now that the Kingdom of God was a matter of righteousness, peace and joy, which I used as a yard stick in discerning situations and making decisions for my life. He breached any kind of agreement we had previously made by the physical, mental and verbal abuse that he had inflicted on me, almost completely crushing and destroying me.

I had not been married to Rex so this did not apply to me, however I couldn’t understand why in years gone by, so many of the churches had forced married woman to stay with an abuser, saying that only because of adultery could one get a divorce. I knew that the Bible and the Spirit of the Word of God takes the whole situation into account. If a husband is physically abusing his wife and if her life is in danger and he doesn’t stop harming her, he is in breach of both the Word of God and his very own vows to protect her and love her like Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up to die for her.

Personally, I hate divorce, just like God hates it, but God also hates violence and the breaking of vows, as well as harming those who are weaker. Nobody should be forced to stay with someone that is beating them up or threatening to kill them. The Bible speaks of needing to pursue love, peace and righteousness and those are the nature of God, as well as justice, gentleness, self-control and kindness. As His sons and daughters, we are to walk as true Christians. When we quote the scriptures, we should make sure that we know the God of the scriptures. I know that as Christians we are all on a journey through this life. I don’t profess to know it all, but abuse on women is very close to my heart and I know that it’s very much on the heart of God as well.

Please hear my heart—I am not condoning divorce! I believe wholeheartedly that a married couple needs to work through their differences seeking God first. Spiritual help from their pastor (another good reason to join a church for support) is essential and if the abusing husband still doesn’t restrain himself, then separation and even divorce may be the only solution. The fact is, an abuser generally will continue to abuse and it is too late for many who yield to fear and suffer in silence, ending in death. I do believe that God can do miracles and deliver an abuser from his unrestrained psychological issues but only if he chooses to let God into that area of his life.

Two months before my twenty-first birthday and after obtaining the Lord’s direction, Billy and I proceeded with marriage and were wed in the office of one of the pastors of that same church, along with both Mom and Dad and two of Billy’s sisters and his brother-in-law as witnesses. It was a shock to all who heard about it only because of the speed at which we made this decision but we knew that God had placed destiny in our hearts together. Our decision was not taken lightly and both of us had fasted and prayed to ensure that we had heard from God.

Rex was another catalyst for the imminent wedding as he jeopardized my safety knowing Billy was on the scene. His very long letters continued to stream in trying to manipulate me through the use of scripture to his own means. Stories kept coming back to me via others in the church, alerting me to the lies he was spreading about me and now also about Billy. He was green with jealousy and I couldn’t put anything past him. Rex refused to relent from seeking to maintain a grip on my life and still harassed us from every side.

Three months later. . .

“Aaaaah,” I moaned as we fell over onto the floor together and then began giggling uncontrollably.

“We have to get this kiss right before tomorrow,” Billy laughingly suggested. We were planning the big kiss for our wedding ceremony the next day and the plan was that Billy was going to dramatically swing me right back over his knee and kiss me, after which I would then swing him over in the same way and kiss him. We were however finding this planned kiss a little tricky and after trying and landing on the floor, we had second thoughts.

Billy’s face lit up like a light bulb as he recommended, “Possibly we need a plan B if plan A doesn’t work out and we land up on the floor again tomorrow.” Rolling over on the floor he looked at me and we burst out hysterically laughing again.

Although we had initially married legally in the church office and had been prayed for and blessed before God on that occasion, both Billy and I still desired to have a public wedding ceremony that our family and friends could be part of and celebrate together with us. As we brought our marriage up before God to be blessed and anointed of God for success, we also desired to be blessed by our families. We therefore proceeded with a formal wedding ceremony three months after the original documented marriage. It was a glorious day for us to say the least.

The Lord had answered all our prayer requests relating to our wedding ceremony itself. We had not managed to find the finances at the time in our very tight budget to hold this special occasion, however it had been placed strongly in our hearts to proceed. We knew that God would provide every single thing that we had trusted Him for on our list that we had prepared and prayed over in agreement some time in advance. We had activated our faith in God concerning this whole special occasion based on the principles of faith in the Word of God and in particular John Chapter 14 verse 13 and 14, where Jesus says that we can ask Him for anything in His name and He will do it.

So God answered our prayers of faith, by providing right down to the wedding invitations being arranged by our bridesmaid who we had not known was employed at a company that amongst other things also printed invitations. They came as a gift through my bridal shower. Billy’s sister Margaret and her husband Clive prepared and paid for the buffet reception. Mom arranged and paid for the wedding dress and those of my bridesmaids and maid-of-honor. We even managed to arrange a videographer on the last day or two prior to the wedding which is normally a tall order and our beautiful wedding cake was freshly baked about two days before the wedding as a gift. It was a bit too fresh though, as it stood like the Leaning Tower of Pisa with Mom on guard to catch it if it leaned too far over and fell.

Both the wedding ceremony and the reception were held at the same venue, with the wedding itself in the church building and the reception in the adjoining hall. A wonderful and sunny day emerged while everything fell into place, and my answer to prayer stood waiting for me at the front of the church. My handsome prince was wearing a blue shiny suit, with his large smiling eyes which seemed to sparkle and his long brown curly hair down to his shoulders. Down the aisle first came our little sons, Daniel and Billy, whom were carrying our wedding rings on specially made little red cushions to match their red London Beefeater outfits (very prophetic as we didn’t know at that time we would one day live in England some eleven years later).

Absolutely in my element, I arrived wearing a long ivory wedding dress with its train trailing behind me. My sisters Anne and Elizabeth-Anne were my bridesmaids wearing lovely light blue dresses, and my maid-of-honor was an amazing and beautiful young woman by the name of Carla from our church who had been with me the day that I had met my groom for the first time. She also matched the bridesmaids.

The pastor preached about love from the Word of God and it was a message I will never forget. Although listening very intently to the message, both Billy and I found it very hard to hold back our laughter during his very meaningful message. Our minds kept darting to the upcoming big kiss and whether we would end up on the floor like the night before. We had planned a few other surprises for the guests during the wedding celebration, and thoroughly enjoyed our special day together, as well as our wedding night in a beautiful beach front hotel gifted to us. We then headed off to Cape Town for our honeymoon.

The Lord really came through for us and proved to us that if we would only dare to extend our faith and trust Him in anything that is according to His will, He will come through for us. We already had heard from heaven that this marriage was orchestrated by God. We were confident in our faith to believe that He would provide everything we had asked.

The love of God never ceased to amaze me, especially with the miraculous answer to my prayers. First He delivered me from the jaws of hell, with Rex crushing me in every way and then He gave me a brand new start in life. I now believed in the God of second chances who wipes away the tears and shame and forgives the mistakes of the past. Then God brought Billy into my life, my knight in shining armor, to bless me just because He loved me and he out did Himself with beyond anything I could have ever imagined.

Chapter Sixteen

Full Combat

“We are assured and know that. . .all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose”

(Romans 8:28 AMP).

With us now being married, Billy held the legal right before God to protect me from Rex and to stop him entering our home to cause trouble. The day came when Rex pushed the boundaries too far. When he arrived to collect Danny for the weekend, he tried to head-butt Billy at our front door. Instantaneously Billy pulled back to avoid having his nose broken and they engaged each other in full combat.

It was like a war had broken out and when I ran to the door to see what was happening; I saw both of them now momentarily having pulled away from each other to change stance before again clashing fists. It was in that snapshot frame of just a few seconds while they prepared themselves to again climb into each other, that I saw a look on my husband’s face that I had not seen before nor since. I realized that Rex had bitten off more than he could chew.

Rex was unaware of Billy’s kickboxing and karate background in which he had been trained and previously held training centers. Not expecting this attack, Billy was wearing stylish dungarees which as the fashion dictated, was worn with only one strap buttoned up. At the first impact of these two opponents his strap unfastened; now forced to fight with only one hand while he used the other hand to hold up his dungarees.

It brought terror to my soul knowing that there was absolutely nothing I could do in my own capacity to stop this madness. One of them could get seriously injured during this bare fisted brawl between a professional boxer and a second dan karate and kickboxing ex-fighter. I pulled on Heaven in prayer to stop this fight urgently.

The fight shifted onto the pavement outside our apartment block and during the five o’clock rush hour traffic. There were busloads of people travelling past on this busy main road and they continued the conflict. I suddenly was aware of our young boys who were only around the ages of four and five at the time and who were trying to see what was happening between their daddies outside of their bedroom window. I hurried toward them to try and distract their attention elsewhere. All the while this major battle was turning heads of multitudes of commuters on their way home from work.

Billy was eventually sitting on top of Rex, gripping his hair and about to smash his head against the concrete when he pleaded with Rex,

“Rex what are we doing fighting like this?” He was trying to get Rex to give up and stop the fight. “We can stop this right now, just stop fighting me Rex!” Billy shouted.

Rex roared back at Billy “Get off me so I can get up and stab you!”

Needless to say the fight proceeded until Billy and Rex came walking inside our flat so that Rex could apologize to me by Billy’s instruction. Rex’s head was bleeding and he had other various cuts for which Billy agreed to let him go through to the bathroom to rinse off. This day Rex had been taught a lesson that was long overdue, but of course his damaged ego twisted the facts to all his friends. Rex continued to make telephone calls threatening and swearing at us when things did not go his way but the altercation had ended my years of turmoil with Rex.

Billy and I were both deeply disturbed about the whole big fight that had taken place and we were very upset. Billy went to see our senior pastor of the church we were attending and he counseled him that this was in fact his responsibility to protect his family by stopping Rex. It was, however, a terrible thing for our children to have seen any part of what had happened, but we were so unprepared for his shocking explosion.

We prayed over them and found ourselves hushing them quiet whenever the subject was brought up for discussion as no child should ever see their father fighting and especially such a serious conflict of violence. Danny had already seen so much violence, but it had been about two years since the last time he had witnessed anything very serious. I had believed for those terrible memories to have vanished since he was so very young.

Shortly after Rex's shocked defeat, and due to Rex's unpredictable and aggressive nature, we stopped sleepovers altogether and only allowed Danny to see Rex for day outings and on special occasions. We did not set restrictions on telephone communication. Billy adopted Danny as his own son to give him a stable Christian family upbringing without violence. We wanted to limit Rex’s bad regular influence in his life, as well as to avoid having to always deal with his intimidating tantrums.

The adoption passed very quickly through court as it was decided in Danny’s best interest due to Rex's violent character and behavior. We never totally cut Rex off from communicating with Danny, as we felt that this would not be right since he was his natural father. However even though I had broken off my engagement to Rex two years prior to even meeting and marrying Billy, he still harassed me, lied about me, made death threats that we received via other people and still was verbally abusive on the phone. Many times I regretted even allowing the access we gave him to Danny and it remained very hard for me not to cut him off altogether. I knew that he never took defeat easily and that he had become very bitter since losing me completely.

I guess it was natural to wonder about Rex every now and then since I knew the way he ticked. I still had to fight the battle of the mind and I had thoughts bombarding me regularly concerning Billy’s safety. I knew that Rex didn’t play fair and I recalled his threats saying if he couldn’t get to someone himself that he knew those who could.

Daily I was becoming more and more aware of God’s faithfulness and His ever protection. All I needed to do was keep on trusting God regardless of what I heard. God was with us through thick and thin and we knew our future was held securely in the palm of His hand and therefore we did not allow Rex to affect us.

I realized that God’s way was the best way in this world and the only way to uncover my true purpose, find fulfillment and walk in the blessings of God.

Just so you know, at the time I wrote this book, Billy and I have been very happily married for twenty two years and God blessed us with two more sons—Joshua and Joel. That does not erase the problems that we encountered along the way.

We entered full time ministry becoming pastors of a congregation on the Bluff and then ministry later drew us away from Durban. But even after about eight years of being married to Billy, we still received another death threat. We were told that Rex was issued a gun somehow by a right wing political party and that they were coming to our home to wipe out our entire family.

This seemed so far removed from reality, but I knew that I should put nothing past Rex. We just took the matter to the Lord in prayer on each occasion when those things reached our ears and left it in God’s hands. We knew He was big enough to handle Rex and any opposition from the kingdom of darkness.

Intermittently down through the years, I’d still receive the odd phone call for Danny where he’d make sure that he let me know that he still loved me or through some internet message. Obviously he waged war within himself bouncing between bitterness and regret, but remained a very mixed up guy that continued the same behavior traits with other young women.

Danny grew and developed as a wonderful child whom had already gone through quite an ordeal. We were determined to not allow him to be destroyed by Rex who seemed to always affect his behavior negatively and we would notice this whenever he returned home after having been together with him. In Rex's hostility throughout the years, he would attempt to turn Danny against us, especially lying about me to paint a very bad picture of his mother. I had already known that this would happen but we still made the decision to allow Rex in Danny’s life, but on a very limited basis.

The happiness I experienced with Billy only grew and developed more over time as we shared our lives together. I am eternally grateful to have such a wonderful man as my husband. He has never hit me and I have never had to fear him walking through the front door.

Although together we faced many trials at the start of our marriage due to our prior relationships, the hurts and disappointments somehow managed to sneak into our very new marriage. That baggage revealed itself in all kinds of ways and unknowingly stemmed from our past. God was however faithful to deliver us as we recognized the source of our problems. We learned and matured as we grew in our relationship with God and with each other.

Even though the trials came and they have come many times through the years like most marriages, God was with us and Billy has been the greatest husband and father of our children that I could have ever asked for. He stood by me when he could have walked away. He was the only one who was willing and determined to fight for me and stop Rex for good. I truly believed that God appointed him to set this captive free. I thank God that he responded to that assignment with such speed.

As a young child, I can remember praying this prayer:

Now I lay me down to sleep, I ask my Lord my soul to keep. God Bless my mommy, daddy, granny, grandpa, aunties and uncles, cousins and all my friends. Amen.

So God heard my prayer as a little child when I asked Him to keep my soul. Even though I did not know God or His ways, God found a way to get my attention and to bring me to my knees which is where He stepped in to deliver me. God hears the prayers of children and says that we need to have faith like a little child, to enter the kingdom of heaven.

I realized that God had His hand on me even as a young teen. When I attempted suicide, I could have ended up without being able to walk, talk or see, after taking so many tablets of which I knew nothing about. When I think about it, it amazes me even today, I mean even the most basic chemical painkiller can end one’s life for good if taken in quantity. A multitude of things could have happened to me besides death. Had I died, I would have ended up in Hell since I had no personal relationship with God. Because God sees the end from the beginning, He knew that I would respond to Him when I did and so He kept me safe and by His grace He performed another miracle, without me understanding it then.

Even on the streets of Hillbrow, Johannesburg, at night with me running away from home during my rebellious adventure, God must have been protecting me in this notoriously dangerous place in South Africa. It was home to some of the country’s worst street gangs. I believe that His angels were all around me, while I was totally unaware of it at the time.

I am also so thankful that my parents had insisted that I go back and finish my education after the birth of Danny. I remember how Rex had opposed this and put me under tremendous pressure about it. I realized now that I would have been totally dependent on him for everything and would have not even been able to obtain a job to support myself had he have gotten his way. This is another reason why many people don’t leave their partners even though they are being abused. They become financially and completely dependent on them. Even in this situation though, God would still do a miracle for those who chose to trust Him. I was watching a television documentary about the women’s jails in South Africa. They were explaining that an extremely high percentage of the women in the jails were there because of killing or trying to kill their partners due to being subjected to severe abuse in their relationship. The thought was even too terrible for words! What if I had carried through with what was in my desperate mind? I would have been sent to prison like those other women. I would have had to live with that on my conscious and face my little boy. I was so thankful to God for drawing me into the Kingdom of God when He did so that I did not end up in prison as a murderer and just another statistic.

I realized that God had stepped into my situation with Rex and protected me all the way. From the moment that I had decided to turn to God for help and take the step of faith to be obedient and do what God’s Word said, He was there!

Even when Rex chased me with a huge kitchen knife, God was there protecting me and He ensured that I was not stabbed. God also intervened when Rex forced his way into my apartment and tried to rape me. He wasn’t successful in achieving his aims and didn’t even land a punch on me. When he had tried to kill me in the kitchen, God did some supernatural miracle that I cannot explain and He actually protected my memory of that entire segment of time. God was faithful all the way to victory.

God showed me many things over the years and His trustworthiness was one of the first. He also revealed to me that I did not need to flee the country in order to escape Rex. He let me know that He could protect me not only in the same country, but also in the same province, city, district and even the church. God was able and could be trusted.

Looking back, there were just so many times that God had protected me from certain death for which I am so grateful. God even protected me by allowing the entire Rex phase of my life and He broke the rebellion in my heart that had separated me from God. Through Rex God brought me to my knees and ultimately the turning point in life, it was God that saved me from eternal damnation. I am therefore even thankful to Rex for being that school master in the hands of God.

Rex, after all, was not the enemy, but those evil spirits of control, domination, intimidation, abuse and a multitude of others that were working through him unaware. In His great wisdom, God allowed it all to bring me to that place of surrendering my heart to God when I realized that I needed God in this life and could not make it on my own. “Rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft” (1 Sam. 15:23).

Let me stress that Rex was a victim too in his childhood, and I pray for him as he needs God’s true intervention in His life to find true happiness. I do not hate or despise him but I pray that God will bless him. God gave me victory over Rex and everything resulting from him ever interfering in my life like the pain, fear, anxiety, rejection, worthlessness, despair, betrayal and the list goes on.

And then, God gave me a brand new start in life. I am so thankful to God for giving back my life because I know without a doubt, that if I had remained with Rex, I would have been dead by now or in jail. Any one of those episodes of him hitting my head against the wall could have ended me forever, not to mention the more serious beatings I received. But God gave me a second chance at life. He let me know that I still actually had the best years of my life ahead and I could move forward toward new horizons and victories.

We later went into full time ministry as pastors, caring for His people and setting the captives free. We have been the senior pastors of churches in South Africa and also in England, United Kingdom. Furthermore, God chose to take us to the greater Body of Christ. This takes us to His people globally, as we travel to various countries encouraging, edifying and equipping God’s people.

Billy also has a wonderful testimony of God’s deliverance, but God now uses us to bring healing, inspire greater levels of faith and release insight and direction to the church of the living God.

When I was buried in my circumstances with Rex, I never imagined that God had pre-destined me as an instrument in His hands to help others in the way that I do today. I didn’t totally understand that I had a destiny already chosen by God before I was even formed in my mother’s womb (Jeremiah 1:5) and so do you!

God has no favorites, as the blood of Jesus was shed for every person with no preferences. God is big and He has a big vision for each of us and as long as we dare to push out the boundaries of our faith further and stretch it wider, God will meet us at that level, as He has made us to be victorious in this lifetime and to overcome and rule over every situation that we face.

When I look at photos of myself back then, when I was on sinking sand with Rex, I was skin and bones. I had nothing going for me, no purpose or vision, just hurt, tormenting fear, scars from abuse and pain. I had no hope of escape, and every day grew worse. Since I turned my heart and life over to God, He has lifted me up and set my feet on solid ground. He has blessed me so abundantly. The contrast is so great that it speaks volumes. I have such a wonderful husband and family now, and my life is full of joy and happiness as we live a victorious and fulfilled lifestyle.

We are still journeying through this life with the Lord and have realized that true joy and inner peace can only be found in having one's own relationship with Jesus. It’s available to every single person with no exceptions as long as they are still alive; that is where I truly found the keys of life and victory!

“For I know the plans I have for you,"

Says the LORD.

"They are plans for good

And not for disaster,

To give you a future

And a hope”

(Jeremiah 29:11)

Chapter Seventeen

Message from God

My Child,

I have been longing for this opportunity to share My heart with you. You may not know Me, but I know you better than anyone else knows you, and even better than you know yourself.

I knew you before your conception and before you took shape inside your mother’s womb. I chose the time of your birth and even where you should live. I know when you sit down and when you rise up, when you sleep and every thought you have, because I know everything about you.

Even now, I know the number of hairs on your head as well as your deepest secrets. I fearfully and wonderfully created you to be just like Me. I predestined you before the foundations of this world were laid, and I chose you to be My precious treasure.

What I sincerely desire, is to abundantly pour out My love on you as a true Father, as I love you simply because you are My child. What I have to offer you an earthly father cannot, because My love is perfect.

My love for you is unconditional and My pleasing thoughts about you are as many as the grains of sand on the seashore. My plans for you are to give you a hope and a future, and never to harm you. The pain and hurt you have experienced has not been from Me, but from the one who robs, steals and destroys and hates all I have created and love. That deceiver and liar has tried to steer your heart and mind away from Me and has cunningly plotted against your happiness and destiny.

I love you so much that I sing over you with outstretched arms. I am your provider and every good gift comes from My hand. My heart is to show you great and wonderful things because I created you with the desire to have an intimate relationship with you that is closer than a brother.

When you seek Me with all your heart, you will find Me. If you enjoy Me, I shall take pleasure in granting your heart’s desires.

I want to comfort you in your times of pain and suffering, as I am able to heal your broken heart and release to you unexplainable peace for your troubled soul. Let Me mention too, that I can do abundantly more for you than you could ever ask or imagine. When you give Me your heart and choose to trust in Me, I shall protect, deliver and provide for you.

I love you as much as I love my own Son Jesus, who is my exact representation of Me. He came into the world to restore you to Me and to tell you about Me and My great love and to show you how I really am, and not as many have portrayed Me to be. He came to explain that I am not holding your sins against you, because He took your sins upon Himself to free you. His death and resurrection was the greatest gift of love, so that we can all be united as one.

I have so much that I want to give you among which are My joy, peace, love, grace, provision, comfort, justice, hope, acceptance, power and victory. Be assured that there is absolutely nothing that can separate you from My love, because I will always love you. I created you with a great plan and purpose and nothing would please Me more than for you to accept My love.

I am the Lover of your soul and the Father of all creation, and I am waiting on your answer.

Will you decide to accept Me too?

Love from,

Your Heavenly Father,

Big Daddy, and closest Friend

PS: Because of My great love for you, I will never force you to accept Me. This needs to be a decision that only you can make from your heart.

I knew you and chose you before you were conceived.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew [and] approved of you [as My chosen instrument], and before you were born I separated and set you apart. . .” (Jeremiah 1:5 AMP).

I knitted you together in your mother’s womb and created you.

“For You did form my inward parts; You did knit me together in my mother’s womb” (Psalm 139:13).

In advance, I picked you for Myself, and gave you an inheritance through faith in My Son.

“ In Him we also were made [God’s] heritage (portion) and we obtained an inheritance; for we had been foreordained (chosen and appointed beforehand) in accordance with His purpose, Who works out everything in agreement with the counsel and design of His [own] will, So that we who first hoped in Christ [who first put our confidence in Him have been destined and appointed to] live for the praise of His glory” (Ephesians 1:11-12 AMP)!

My eyes saw your unformed substance.

“Your eyes saw my unformed substance. . .before ever they took shape. . .” (Psalm 139:16).

I made you in My own image.

“So God created man in His own image, in the image and likeness of God He created him; male and female He created them” (Genesis 1:27).

You were fearfully and wonderfully made.

“I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well” (Psalm 139:14 NKJV).

In advance I recorded all the days of your life in My book.

“. . .and in Your book all the days [of my life] were written before ever they took shape, when as yet there was none of them” (Psalm 139:16 AMP).

I took you from your mother’s womb and kept you alive.

“Upon You have I leaned and relied from birth; You are He Who took me from my mother’s womb and You have been my benefactor from that day. . .” (Psalm 71:6 AMP).

I chose exactly when you were to be born and even where you should live.

“And He made from one [common origin, one source, one blood] all nations of men to settle on the face of the earth, having definitely determined [their] allotted periods of time and the fixed boundaries of their habitation (their settlements, lands, and abodes). . .” (Acts 17:26).

I created you with purpose, and chose your path ahead of time.

“. . .that we may do those good works which God predestined (planned beforehand) for us [taking paths which He prepared ahead of time], that we should walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us to live]” (Eph.2:10).

There is nothing I do not know about you.

“O Lord, you have searched me [thoroughly] and have known me” (Psalm 139:1).

I know your every move and thought.

“You know my down sitting and my uprising; You understand my thought afar off” (Psalm 139:2).

I am acquainted with all your ways.

“You sift and search out my path and my lying down, and You are acquainted with all my ways” (Psalm 139:3).

I know the number of hairs on your head.

“But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered” (Matthew10:30).

I rejoice over you with singing.

“He will exult over you with singing” (Zephaniah 3:17).

You are My treasured possession.

“Now therefore, if you will obey My voice in truth and keep My covenant, then you shall be My own peculiar possession and treasure from among and above all peoples; for all the earth is Mine” (Exodus 19:5).

I desire to show you great and marvelous things.

“Call to Me and I will answer you and show you great and mighty things, fenced in and hidden, which you do not know (do not distinguish and recognize, have knowledge of and understand)” (Jeremiah 33:3).

If you seek Me with all your heart, you will find Me.

“But if from there you will seek (inquire for and require as necessity) the Lord your God, you will find Him if you [truly] seek Him with all your heart [and mind] and soul and life” (Deuteronomy 4:29).

Delight yourself in Me and I will give you the desires of your heart.

“Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart” (Psalm 37:4).

My plans for you are always for your good and not for evil, to give you a hope and a future.

“For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome” (Jeremiah 29:11).

It is the evil one that kills, steals and destroys from you, but My Son came to bring you abundant life.

“The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows)” (John 10:10).

When you are brokenhearted and sorry for your sins, choosing to turn away from them, I am near to you.

“The Lord is close to those who are of a broken heart and saves such as are crushed with sorrow for sin and are humbly and thoroughly penitent” (Psalm 34:18).

I am the Father who comforts you in all your troubles.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of sympathy (pity and mercy) and the God [Who is the Source] of every comfort (consolation and encouragement), Who comforts (consoles and encourages) us in every trouble (calamity and affliction)” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).

There is nothing that can separate you from My love.

“For I am persuaded beyond doubt (am sure) that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities, nor things impending and threatening nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38-39).

My amazing Grace is freely and abundantly poured out to you because of my Son Jesus.

“He predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will—to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves” (Ephesians 1:5-6 NIV).

I am not counting your sins against you, because of Jesus. When you receive Him, your sin is cancelled by His sacrifice to unite us.

“But all things are from God, Who through Jesus Christ reconciled us to Himself [received us into favor, brought us into harmony with Himself] and gave to us the ministry of reconciliation [that by word and deed we might aim to bring others into harmony with Him]. It was God [personally present] in Christ, reconciling and restoring the world to favor with Himself, not counting up and holding against [men] their trespasses [but cancelling them], and committing to us the message of reconciliation (of the restoration to favor)” (2 Corinthians 5:18-19 AMP).

I love you the same as I love My Son, Jesus.

“I in them and You in Me, in order that they may become one and perfectly united, that the world may know and [definitely] recognize that You sent Me and that You have loved them [even] as You have loved Me” (John 17:23 AMP).

I predestined you and called you; I justified you and also glorified you, through faith in Jesus Christ.

“And those whom He thus foreordained, He also called; and those whom He called, He also justified (acquitted, made righteous, putting them into right standing with Himself). And those whom He justified, He also glorified [raising them to a heavenly dignity and condition or state of being]” (Romans 8:30).

My vast and pleasing thoughts of you are more than the grains of sand.

“How precious and weighty also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I could count them, they would be more in number than the sand. . .” (Psalm 139:17-18).

I am right in your midst to save.

“The Lord your God is in the midst of you, a Mighty One, a Savior [Who saves]! He will rejoice over you with joy; He will rest [in silent satisfaction] and in His love He will be silent and make no mention [of past sins, or even recall them]. . .” (Zephaniah 3:17).

I have provided for you exceedingly great promises that through faith, you can have access to.

“By means of these He has bestowed on us His precious and exceedingly great promises, so that through them you may escape [by flight] from the moral decay (rottenness and corruption) that is in the world because of covetousness (lust and greed), and become sharers (partakers) of the divine nature” (2 Peter 1:4).

My hope is that you will seek after Me.

“So that they should seek God, in the hope that they might feel after Him and find Him, although He is not far from each one of us” (Acts 17:27).

I am waiting for you.

“. . .But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was moved with pity and tenderness [for him]; and he ran and embraced him and kissed him [fervently]” (Luke 15:20).

(Jesus shared this parable of the prodigal son and His Father’s awaiting and expectant heart, and then His ecstatic joy at his return to show us His joy when we reach that turning point in our lives.)

Response to Our Heavenly Father’s

Invitation for a Relationship

Dear Heavenly Father,

I accept your invitation today.

I acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Your Son and that He died and arose to life again, to pay with His own life, for my sin. Please forgive me for all my sins, in thought, motive and deed.

I ask you Lord to help me to walk in this new relationship with You, and to really know the depth of your love.

In Jesus’ Name I pray.

Amen

Chapter Eighteen

Road to Recovery

I started to realize that even although I was a child of God, and that God had walked me through the greatest challenge of my life and that the fight for survival was over, I came to understand that I had some very deep wounds as a result of all the trauma and past experiences. I’m not referring to the outward scars but to the emotional and psychological wounds that still had to be healed. They were affecting my soul, mind, will and emotions.

Many times I woke up screaming in my bed with fear after dreaming that Rex was shouting my name and chasing after me. I could still hear the shouts ringing in my ears even after I was awake I would lay there and shake in sheer panic. On two separate occasions I woke up with my teeth sunken into the head of my baby Joshua, who had been sleeping in our bed alongside me. I had been dreaming that I was fighting off Rex and biting him to try and get him off me. This came as a result of the severe violence I’d been subjected to during those years with Rex.

I could not believe it, when I awoke to find my teeth locked on the head of my baby, as I realized that I could have bitten Joshua’s ear off or bitten his eye. I was horrified at what was still happening to me four years after I had broken off with Rex. Not knowing much about inner healing at the time, I didn’t quite know what to do except pray. This was of course the best thing to do, as God is able to heal us in every way. God had been taking me on a journey of victories from the day I surrendered my heart to Him, but He began to enlighten me to biblical principles that I needed to apply in my life. These would sped up my emotional healing; the initial steps had already begun shortly after leaving Rex. However, I later found that there were additional steps to work through as issues surfaced in my heart a number of years later.

I simply could not include everything in this book, but have covered some very important steps taken. There is also a chapter titled Prayer Guidelines at the back of this book. I encourage you to use it for prayer assistance concerning some of the steps covered during my story. They are extremely helpful should you decide to pray through any of them yourself, or to assist someone else.

Before we proceed into this section, please pray the following prayer.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I commit my body, soul and spirit into Your hands as I read this book. I ask You, Holy Spirit, to speak to me loud and clear in my heart, and open up my understanding that I may walk in Your truth. I ask You to still any other voices that would try and hinder my progress in Jesus’ Name. Amen

1. Becoming a Child of God

As mentioned before, the most important step is to accept Jesus Christ as Lord. He is the door to freedom and victory, and the way of love and peace. I shall not say any more on this point since I have covered a lot already about this, however, if you have not yet actually made a decision to turn your heart over to Jesus and put your hope and trust in God, please turn to Chapter Nineteen, Point #1 for a prayer guideline of assistance, and then continue with the rest of this chapter.

John 3:3 (AMP) – “Jesus answered him, I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, that unless a person is born again (anew, from above), he cannot ever see (know, be acquainted with, and experience) the kingdom of God.”

Romans 10:9 – “Because if you acknowledge and confess with your lips that Jesus is Lord and in your heart believe (adhere to, trust in, and rely on the truth) that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.”

2. Forgiving

a. The second most important step toward receiving my inner healing was to decide to forgive Rex for what he had done to me. Waiting until we feel like forgiving will never happen. Feelings follow our decisions and we can never fully depend on our feelings as these can change frequently. Once the decision is made to forgive, Satan has lost his foothold.

Ephesians 4:26-27 – “When angry, do not sin; do not ever let your wrath (your exasperation, your fury or indignation) last until the sun goes down. Leave no [such] room or foothold for the devil [give no opportunity to him].”

b. The devil’s prey is not only the vulnerable child, or woman or weaker person, but also the one the devil uses as the abuser. In essence they are also vulnerable and a slave to that sin in their lives. In fact, most were themselves a victim at one time in their life. Like Rex, he was one who was abused by his dad when he was a child. Only God can restore and heal him. This is something that I have prayed for as God loves him too and wants to set him free completely. The problem with deception is that one does not know that they are being deceived and that is how the devil keeps his victims in bondage. Realizing that he was deceived (like all abusers no matter what their reason) and who the real culprit is (the devil and his kingdom of darkness), takes the focus off the individual and makes it easier to forgive.

c. The Lord started showing me that it was for me that I had to forgive Rex and that I had to face this, no matter how bad and painful it was, and to what extent it had been, as this would bring about my own freedom and liberty.

Mark 11:25 – “And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and [a]let it drop (leave it, let it go), in order that your Father Who is in heaven may also forgive you your [own] failings and shortcomings and let them drop.”

d. I realized from scripture that I would have to forgive Rex in order for me to be forgiven by God. I realized that in order to walk in relationship with God daily, I needed God’s forgiveness, which comes by the grace of God undeserved. I didn’t deserve my forgiveness by God for all the wrong I had done in my life, but had just received it freely because of God’s great love, grace and mercy. Rex was in the same boat! He didn’t deserve being forgiven, but God expected me to forgive him, in the same way as I had received my forgiveness.

Matthew 6:12-15 (NIV) – “Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one. For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

e. It is possible to get offended briefly by something someone does and not have any spiritual repercussions, but then immediately one needs to choose to not hold onto that issue and forgive those who offended. Otherwise, by holding onto it, they begin to mull over it too long and it buries itself deep into their heart. The offense needs to be resisted like water off a ducks back.

Proverbs 19:11(NIV) – “. . . it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.”

This is why Jesus gave special instructions concerning how to handle a matter with someone who has caused an offense. However it is instructions concerning a ‘brother, meaning another Christian’ but can also be good advice to apply to anyone on the initial part of the instruction, if at all possible.

Matthew 18:15 – “If your brother wrongs you, go and show him his fault, between you and him privately. If he listens to you, you have won back your brother. . .”

Without releasing the issue to God, when one actually nurtures an offense, it draws a spirit of offense like a magnet. That spirit quickly attaches itself and keeps the spiritual doors open for all kinds of other harassing spirits from which various emotions sprout.

3. The Spirit of Offense and Unforgiveness

What made forgiveness tricky was that every time I forgave Rex, he would do something else that would absolutely upset me to the core and every feeling of anger and hurt would come flooding back again. I would have to choose to forgive him again. Because of the constant ongoing developments concerning him over a long stretch, I found that I had an issue with this spirit which held my soul (mind, will and emotions) in its grips curbing the way I saw Rex. The spirit constantly harassed my thoughts and automatically spilled out of my mouth with repeat scripts from the past. I fell prey to the assignment of the enemy to keep me in bondage for not having forgiven from the heart and I experienced major resentment and hurt oozing from the cracks in my heart.

After asking God to help search within me to reveal offenses buried deep down, I prayed and surrendered all the hurts to God. I forgave Rex again and others, but this time from the heart I completely released him from everything, and committed to not hold anything against him any longer, and not even to speak about it unless it was in the right Spirit bringing glory to the Lord by helping others.

I then had to literally take up the authority God had given me as a disciple of Jesus and command that spirit of offense to leave since it had no spiritual or legal grounds to remain in my life. (See Prayer Guidelines – Chapter 19.)

Luke 10:19 – “Behold, I give you the authority . . . and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall by any means hurt you.”

Thereafter every time that spirit would try and harass me, when I recognized it by a bad thought concerning Rex, or an image flashback, I would literally speak so the spirit of offense could hear what I was saying, “I have forgiven Rex for everything that he has done to me, in Jesus Name.”

I did this because the spirit could not read my thoughts but only knew what was there because it had planted the thought in the soil of my mind. It would wait to see my reaction, just like in the physical realm when you plant a seed in the ground. You cannot see how it’s growing under the soil and have to wait until it sprouts above the soil.

I had to say this quite a few times initially and then it gradually became less and less necessary until it finally gave up trying to trick me. To be honest, some days were worse than others when I’d have to face some new development concerning Rex. However, God helped me through it and I shifted out of that mindset of thinking that had previously chained me to Rex.

This became evident to me later in my walk with God while delivering an individual from multitudes of demons (like Jesus practiced during His ministry on earth – see Luke 4:32-35). The spirit of offense holds the spiritual doors open drawing all kinds of evil spirits and causing serious problems such as unforgiveness, bitterness, lies, manipulation, sickness, jealousy and hatred (murder); gaining more and more ground in one’s life the longer the offense is left unresolved. Eventually the enemy ensnares the individual in perversions, addictions, idolatry and even occult practices. Forgiveness is the determining factor and key to unlocking the spiritual prison doors for that individual’s own freedom. Usually one with this problem gets offended very quickly with anybody and sometimes for very trivial matters. Often times they will even battle to stay plugged-in to a local church because of this problem. In this particular case I was referring to, this individual automatically was set free from multitudes of demons ranging from nicotine to murder and it happened just as soon as she finished the process of forgiving everyone.

It’s recorded in Matthew 18 that the Apostle Peter asked Jesus how many times he should forgive his brother’s sin against him and let it go. Jesus shared a parable about a king who decided to settle accounts with his attendants and one of them owed a great debt to him. The merciful king released him completely from paying the debt because he had been moved with compassion. He quickly found that the same attendant that he had forgiven refused to release the small debt of his fellow attendant.

“And in wrath his master turned him over to the torturers (the jailers), till he should pay all that he owed. So also My heavenly Father will deal with every one of you if you do not freely forgive your brother from your heart his offenses” (Matthew 18:34-35).

Applying this scripture to myself, I understood that the jailers were the spiritual forces of darkness with the authority from King Jesus. He had forgiven my great debt; all my sin and its deeds. The jailers were given the authority to torment me and to keep me locked in my spiritual prison cell of bondage and pain, until I also forgave and let go of the offenses held against Rex.

Initially it was a very good thing to decide by the confession of my lips to forgive Rex even though the pain he had caused me was still raw, because it was the first step to gain victory in this area and it started the ball rolling in my faith concerning this.

Romans 10:10 (NIV) – “For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved.”

The confession of one’s lips carries a lot of weight in the spirit realm and in God’s sight. Your words confirm what your faith stands for and usually the heart will eventually follow suit.

God understands this and that would have been fine under normal circumstances but since this was such a long term matter, the offenses had taken up root in my heart. Therefore I needed to forgive from my heart and to seal the deal, I had to seal it with my lips. My talk was connected to my heart and by deciding not to speak about it, I was backing my confession before God that I was not holding anything against Rex any longer. Once I had done that, God then needed to do His part – heal the heart.

Jesus gave another very important key to having our heart healed and overcoming in this area when He told us that we needed to pray for our enemies. When we do this regularly, we experience the healing taking place in the heart. God does the healing when it’s done in obedience.

Matthew 5:44 (AMP) – “But I tell you . . . pray for those who persecute you. . .”

Finally, I then just pressed into my relationship with God having Him fill my heart and mind, as His Presence healed me progressively during my time in devotion and worship.

Psalm 147:3 – “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds [curing their pains and their sorrows].”

4. Breaking Soul Ties

A soul tie is something that is established between two people who connect sexually or even through a deep level of emotional dependence causing a strong pull towards the other individual or emotional tie concerning them. This is one of the reasons that people keep going back to the one that has been abusing them and many times they don’t think that they can live without them. Somehow they are convinced that they will be too lonely without them. One should only get joined to another sexually through marriage and take care to not lay bare the deepest secrets of one’s heart to another, besides one’s spouse of course. This is another reason why I don’t personally believe that males should counsel females (or vise versa) on an ongoing basis, especially since counseling involves very deep matters of the heart and the individual being counseled is vulnerable. (See Prayer Guidelines – Chapter 19)

Mark 10:6-8 – “But from the beginning of creation God made them male and female. For this reason a man shall leave [behind] his father and his mother and be joined to his wife and cleave closely to her permanently, And the two shall become one flesh, so that they are no longer two, but one flesh.”

1 Corinthians 6:17-19 – “But the person who is united to the Lord becomes one spirit with Him. Shun immorality and all sexual looseness [flee from impurity in thought, word, or deed]. Any other sin which a man commits is one outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is the temple (the very sanctuary) of the Holy Spirit Who lives within you, Whom you have received [as a Gift] from God?”

5. Put the Past behind Me

I realized that I was caught in a web of past painful experiences and I was always looking back on them. The truth is that although it was the bulk of my life up until then, it would take time to develop new experiences to replace the terrible ones. I had a new life now and someone that loved me more than His own life – Jesus, and of course my wonderful husband too.

He thought I was an angel until he discovered the depths of my pain revealing itself in all kinds of not so nice ways. Obviously when one is looking backwards they cannot focus on anything in front of them. Believe me, it was hindering my new found freedom and future even with my wonderful husband. I had to stop looking back at the past as my only reference in life and start trusting God that He would use a big eraser on my memories.

Philippians 3:13-15 – “But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

6. Having a Vision to be Able to Shift Forward

In order to forward face, it’s vital to have a vision to look forward to. I began to pursue God in asking Him to speak to me about my purpose on earth and His plans for me. I tried to do this in my pursuit alone with Him in the morning before leaving to go to work every day. I found that He would speak to me through His Word and in my heart messages of love, purpose and destiny. These provided me with focus, goals and vision for which I had something positive to try to attain. I didn’t want to waste my new life doing anything less than what I was created for and that made the journey absolutely amazing. God has also provided me with prophetic words along the way and they have inspired me to reach further with God than ever before. They have been a great encouragement and let me know that I was moving in the right direction. The Bible is very prophetic and the gift of prophecy is also a New Testament gift, but now not limited to the office of the prophet like in the Old Testament. It is available and functioning through Spirit-filled believers to bring encouragement, exhortation and comfort to others.

Just a caution in this regard, all prophecy needs to be judged according to the scriptures. The gift of prophecy flows under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit and the same Spirit that inspired the authorship of the entire written Word of God, therefore it cannot contradict the scriptures if it is in fact a message from God.

I began to understand that there is nothing that God limits me with, but the more I understand the greatness of who He is, the more I discover about me. Since He is dwelling on the inside of me by His Holy Spirit, He helps me with everything I need to accomplish.

Ephesians 2:10 – “For we are God’s [own] handiwork (His workmanship),[b]recreated in Christ Jesus, [born anew] that we may do those good works which God predestined (planned beforehand) for us [taking paths which He prepared ahead of time], that we should walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us to live].”

Ephesians 1:11 – “. . .for we had been foreordained (chosen and appointed beforehand) in accordance with His purpose, Who works out everything in agreement with the counsel and design of His [own] will.”

7. Keeping Connected to Jesus

John 15:5 – “I am the Vine; you are the branches. Whoever lives in Me and I in him bears much (abundant) fruit. However, apart from Me [cut off from vital union with Me] you can do nothing.”

Following on from what I’ve shared in the principle above, I realized that my time with God regularly has been an essential ingredient to my success. It sets my daily atmosphere of hope and faith and keeps me connected to my life-giving Source, my Peace and my Solid Rock. He is my foundation without whom I would undoubtedly crumble and accomplish nothing.

Mark 1:35 (NIV) – “Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed.”

Jesus too would get up very early in the morning to pray alone with the Father and sometimes spend the night in communion with Him. We need to enter that secret place with God (Matthew 6:6) regularly to spend time to get to know Him and give Him all our concerns. We need to allow Him to shape our lives and tweak our focus, as we enter His rest, knowing full well that He is able and willing and right there with us always.

Matthew 6:6 (AMP) - “But when you pray, go into your [most] private room, and, closing the door, pray to your Father, Who is in secret; and your Father, Who sees in secret, will reward you in the open.”

8. Stop Thinking About It

The Lord revealed to me that the devil had still kept me in bondage robbing me of inner freedom and complete victory, by bombarding my mind with dreams, thoughts and images of all the terrible things Rex had done to me in the past.

Ephesians 6:12 – “For we are not wrestling with flesh and blood [contending only with physical opponents], but against the despotisms, against the powers, against [the master spirits who are] the world rulers of this present darkness, against the spirit forces of wickedness in the heavenly (supernatural) sphere.”

From the above scripture we can see that there are evil spiritual forces in different ranks and in operation in the unseen realm. They work their schemes through people who most of the time has no inclination that they are being used like puppets on a string or tools of destruction in the hands of wicked forces. Their sole purpose is to destroy everything good that God has created and to take as many souls to hell as they can in the short time they have left before their eternal judgment. They win souls to hell by their crafty strategies developed long ago and perfected through time.

Their main course of action is to deceive the minds of the multitudes and they have been on assignment throughout each one’s life time. They’ve been lying repeatedly and acting very subtly through the numerous circumstances imposed on individuals from childhood.

After the many years of the enemy depositing lies into our mind, and the repeated barraging of these lies from different angles, one falls prey to their deception with ease.

Praise God, He didn’t place us on this earth without spiritual weaponry and armor to cancel the schemes of darkness trying to destroy our lives and destiny. God has provided everything that we need for an abundant life through an inheritance made accessible by the great gift of God—His Son, Jesus Christ. It was because of what Jesus did for us through His death and resurrection that we can obtain this inheritance, but to possess it and the power to unlock it in our lives; we need to understand the vastness of this great inheritance and so as to not be robbed by the devil and his colonies any longer.

I shall briefly cover these weapons and armor in more detail later on, but it is vital to realize that they are only powerful in the hands of those who have decided to embrace Jesus as Lord of their heart; without Whom it’s pretty much like positioning and aiming a cannon without any ammunition.

I knew that God wanted to heal me in every way with complete wholeness in my body, soul and spirit. How did I know this? It’s because this is one of the benefits of my inheritance through Jesus.

1 Peter 2:24 – “. . .By His wounds you have been healed.”

I knew that the dreadful nightmares would eventually disappear as my soul (mind, will and emotions) were healed.

I had to purposely and daily stop allowing my mind to be an enemy landing strip for the devil’s war planes, accessing the operational mechanisms with thoughts that were controlling my existence and locking me into my terrifying history. I found that I had an active part to perform by cutting off and disarming any thoughts and frozen snapshot images that came to mind. There were so many different types of horrific incidents that had occurred that this was a real struggle. I’d see a snapshot of Rex kicking me in my stomach or smashing my head against the wall, and it would immediately set off emotions of dread or resentment. Sometimes they were of one of the many degrading public episodes which had taken place and when I was reminded of them by the mental replay footage, immediately it would saturate me in the emotions of worthlessness, humiliation or rejection. The images either came as a picture flashback or like a short video clip where the devil would push the play button to activate. He wanted to destroy my happiness and put me on edge and actually did a great job for a while.

2 Corinthians 10:5 – “[Inasmuch as we] refute arguments and theories and reasonings and every proud and lofty thing that sets itself up against the [true] knowledge of God; and we lead every thought and purpose away captive into the obedience of Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One).”

To take charge over my thought process required me to lean on God for help as this was a totally new concept for me. It became a daily exercise recognizing what I was actually thinking about so that I could take authority in this area of my life and gain liberty. It was not just from the Rex Phase, but also hindering thoughts about the regular molestation of my childhood that intermittently still hurled me into emotions of shame. Even though I had forgiven that relative for his acts towards me as a little girl, the devil had still tried to deceive me through my thought life.

Colossians 3:2 (NIV) – “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.”

I understood from this scripture and the one prior, that I could now choose what to think and I could have control over my thoughts “leading them captive” to obedience. I could refute any reasoning or thing that does not line up with God’s Word and tried to hamper me. I could then re-focus my mind on something else positive; something that would build me up, strengthen and encourage me.

What I Did

Depending on where I was at the time of my ongoing sudden attacks, to counteract and nullify the thought or image imposed upon me sometimes I would speak out a related scripture. I would speak it over and over to memorize it or I would begin to read the Bible to re-direct my thinking. Many times I found myself just saying audibly that I had forgiven them. Sometimes I would play a cassette/CD with praise or worship and join in singing along with it and I must admit, there were times I would shout my praises loudly to expel the voices or shift the images. Other times I’d begin to pray and thank God for the victories He had already given me and His protection. As I progressed in being alert in my thinking, I would just reject the negative thought in Jesus Name and softly begin to sing a song from my heart to His heart.

9. Re-programming My Mind with Truth

1 Corinthians 2:16 (NIV) – “. . .But we have the mind of Christ.”

Our mind is like a giant super computer that needs to be programmed with the right information to function correctly. The Bible speaks about His followers having the mind of Christ, renewed by the Word of God as we read through the pages of the Bible with the guidance of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit confirms in our hearts that what we read is the Truth, and it washes away the old way of thinking. I found that the years of wrong programming of lies that the enemy planted to limit me and destroy my self-image with wrong perceptions about how others thought about me, had taken a toll in my relationships. He tried to destroy me by keeping me in a spiritual prison cell of fear, rejection, anxiety, offense, hatred, aggression, despair etc.

The Bible calls the old way of thinking a stronghold and is based on conclusions of different ideas that have been fused together to bring one to those particular conclusions. The devil knows that if we understand our amazing favor with God, the Lord’s mighty purpose for our life, our great authority, inheritance and true identity in Christ Jesus as a child of God, then we will become a huge threat to the kingdom of darkness and a real problem to him. Therefore, the strongholds (thought patterns and conclusions formed) have been a careful strategy planned by the kingdom of darkness to setup and deceive us to believe lies. The strongholds are backed by spiritual forces so we need to let the light of God’s Word into our minds to pierce the darkness concerning those areas of our thinking. The Truth sets us free but we need to rebuke from our lives those spirits that have been lying to us. Believing the lies has de-activated us and limited us from ALL that God has for us. This includes complete fulfillment and victory, blessings beyond measure and wholeness in body, soul and spirit, as well as destiny and life with God after this earthly journey.

God works graciously in our lives and in stages. He takes us from glory to glory as though in His great wisdom, He is aware of when we are ready to deal with the next stage of freedom. He doesn’t usually deal with everything all at once, as it’s not all about being released from spirits as a quick fix. It is more about understanding His Truth and being able to apply it to our lives, to keep our freedom afterwards, as the enemy doesn’t like letting go of its territory and would try and wangle its way back again.

James 4:7 (AMP) – “So be subject to God. Resist the devil [stand firm against him], and he will flee from you.”

2 Peter 2:20 – “For if, after they have escaped the pollutions of the world through [the full, personal] knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they again become entangled in them and are overcome, their last condition is worse [for them] than the first.”

The truth is this: Everyone is plagued with outside spiritual forces that are looking for a doorway into one’s life. Being a Christian doesn’t exclude us. It empowers us to overcome if we chose and we should if we love Jesus who hates the works of darkness. Spiritual forces of darkness do not take root in one’s life illegally but only through the open door or invitation of fleshly lusts of all kinds.

John 5:14 – “Afterward, when Jesus found him in the temple, He said to him, See, you are well! Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.”

You see, it’s not a race to the finish line, but a steady pace through the marathon of life. Throw off everything that so easily entangles you or weighs you down. It’s about standing your ground once you have attained victory in an area of your life, so that you can experience greater freedom and breakthrough.

It’s time to be set free, and to live in truth and liberty!

Many years later I learned also that there is a whole science around the fact that a thought is connected to an image that immediately impacts emotions. It then affects the level at which the body vibrates. According to the research by doctors available on the internet, our bodies are meant to vibrate at 62 – 72 Hz (1 Hertz (Hz) = 1 oscillation per second (ops) and when we have negative emotions it drops our vibrations causing our body to be susceptible to sickness and decease. When the frequency drops the immune system is jeopardized. For example, at the level of 58 Hz, sicknesses like colds and flu are more likely to appear. During the research carried out, on a much lower level such as 42 Hz, cancer appeared in many humans and at 20 Hz death begins to set in. This is another very good reason to take charge over thoughts, so that we can embrace a healthy emotional state.

Jesus is the Prince of Peace who releases to us unexplainable inner peace and joy. We must ask Him to take over our heart and life; then He begins to walk with us on a journey as He transforms our lives from the inside out.

3 John 1:2 (NKJV) – “I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers.”

10. Stop Talking About It

My thought life had been in such a mess and before I dealt with the spirit of offense, my conversation had been greatly influenced by that uncontrolled thought life. I used to catch myself talking quite frequently about the various issues and experiences concerning the Rex chapter of my life. Back then, I would even go into great detail about all my experiences and I would always be trying to justify myself to people who knew us. The stories would find their way back to me or I would sit and bore the socks off my husband going through the rigmarole of matters now behind us all. This was definitely not helping me to overcome and move forward.

Under this heading, I wanted to just mention again that I realized I had been talking about those issues in great detail because I had not properly forgiven Rex from my heart.

Matthew 15:18 (NIV) – “ But the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart, and these defile them.”

I had actually thought that I had forgiven him, and much of what he had done to me was completely forgiven since I was not one that carried grudges. I had usually forgiven Rex immediately in the past, but the mere fact that I was still talking about certain things he had done to me in great detail over and over again, revealed to me that I had hidden offenses in my heart that had not yet released. It was essential that I stopped talking about the past completely at that time. I did! I desperately wanted God to heal me and set me free. Only much later did I accept the challenge from the Lord to begin sharing with people the great testimony that God had given me. I had to do that in the right Spirit and not from a wounded heart. My scars were those of victory and not defeat. I did not pin point him as the individual that had caused me such grief so as to not bring harm on him in any way. (That is why I used a different name for him in this book; Rex is not even his real name.)

I had to change my speech to that of a positive nature because words are creative and cause either good or bad to follow.

Proverbs 18:21 – “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they who indulge in it shall eat the fruit of it [for death or life].”

I had to speak in line with scripture as it’s the food for angels to operate and spring into action.

Psalm 103:20 (NIV) – “Praise the Lord, you his angels, you mighty ones who do his bidding, who obey his word.”

I had to develop new areas of conversation around my new goals and challenges. I learned that shooting faith arrows toward them by discussing them and praying about them, and being mindful of them stirred my heart and desires in the direction I needed to progress. I had something to look forward to instead of always talking about the things of the past.

James 3:4-6 (NIV) – “Take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.”

11. Spirit of Fear

Although I had faced my fears head-on by leaving Rex, they still continued to raise their head afterward because they were so deeply rooted in my life. The Spirit of fear had been dictating to my thoughts and would interfere in the way I perceived things to be; reacting immediately according to my reality. Fear prevented me from leaving Rex when I should have, because it had crippled my thinking to really believe that there was no way out and that Rex was undefeatable and unstoppable. It didn’t matter who spoke to me about leaving Rex because I actually couldn’t believe it was possible, that is of course before God stepped into my life and ignited my faith to believe the Truth.

Fear caused me to lose my appetite and my stomach would begin to pain because of my nerves. Not everyone experiences fear manifesting in their lives the same way that I did. Some begin to hyperventilate in panic, while others isolate themselves. Fear reveals itself in many different ways, but for me, it also began to play out in emotions of anger not previously experienced.

I had to reject the spirit of fear from my life, commanding it to leave like I had done with the spirit of offense. Subsequently I had to do the same thing with other spiritual forces as the Lord revealed them to me. I really wanted to lay hold of my freedom in those areas of my life but I needed to have a sturdier foundation – built on faith and trust.

To have the victory over fear I had to also recognize its voice or the types of thoughts it produced in my life and then I dealt with it as a spiritual force of darkness. Just like the spirit of offense, the spirit of fear was doing the same thing; sowing thoughts into my mind to try to deceive me. The subtle suggestions planted in my mind were not limited to thoughts involving fear about Rex but spread to other things as well. It would use personal pronouns to make me think that it was me thinking those thoughts and therefore controlling me by them, for example:

• “He will attack me if he sees me walking along this street alone.”

• “I will never be able to stand up against him.”

• “Nothing can stop him, if he wants to get to me.”

I spoke God’s Word into the atmosphere and like a sword, it cut off those thoughts that where trying to wreak havoc with my emotions. For example I’d quote from the Bible, personalizing the scriptures:

2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV) – “For God has not given us (Deborah) a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”

Isaiah 54:17 (NKJV) – “No weapon formed against you (Deborah) shall prosper.”

To overcome fear properly I had to rise up in my faith and that came by getting to know what God’s Word said about me. I had to declare it over my life repeatedly, until I could receive it deep down in my heart. You must understand that faith comes by hearing God’s Word, and also by listening to His continuous words as He speaks to one’s mind and heart daily through relationship.

Romans 10:17 (NKJV) “So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.”

Fear was an aspect of my life from childhood with watching horror movies at home. Those movies were like food that nourished the spirit of fear. Each time I watched a movie, it enhanced the grip of its tentacles in my soul and body. The spirit of fear became fully grown in my life through my intimidation by Rex. Fear counteracts faith as without faith we cannot even believe that God exists.

Hebrews 11:6 (AMP) – “But without faith it is impossible to please and be satisfactory to Him. For whoever would come near to God must [necessarily] believe that God exists and that He is the rewarder of those who earnestly and diligently seek Him [out].”

The Bible gives us many examples of those who faced their fear and also those who refused to. Those who refused to, like the Israelites who would not go into the Promised Land for fear of the giants, did not receive their inheritance. Those who chose to face their fear, like Gideon, found out that God was Faithful to deliver them. I personally found that the rewards for placing my faith in God and facing fear have been WONDERFUL.

12. Spirit of Rejection

The area of rejection in my life was such a big issue and many don’t realize that they suffer from this. Rejection shows up in many ways. I realized that I had this problem because it didn’t matter how much my husband would tell me that he loved me, I didn’t or couldn’t really believe it. Somehow it just would not sink in and my heart couldn’t absorb His love. There was nothing he could say that would make me really believe him, even though he hadn’t given me any reason to doubt his love. It caused distrust, suspicion, accusations, arguments and plenty of unnecessary hurt. I found that this was rooted in Rex’s betrayals with me. Even though this happened when I was a teenager, it still played out in my emotions years later. Rejection is basically only really overcome by understanding one’s acceptance by God and His great and unconditional love for us. Finding our true identity in what God says about us and believing it is vital for emotional wholeness.

One’s wholeness is only realized when we find our worth by the measure of how God sees us and not by the standard of how other people speak or think about us. Even more damaging is our thoughts about ourselves with efforts and failures. It is misplaced when we find our identity in anything or anyone else, including our spouse, friends, beauty or figure, achievements, career, finances, success, or material belongings because none can define us correctly. If one incorrectly puts dependence on any of these things, the moment that person or thing lets them down, their world crumbles. Even the best achievers or richest people experience huge issues and remain extremely unhappy. They have a gigantic void on the inside of them that can only be filled by the One who created them. Without Him, there are issues of depression, suicide, addiction, strife, hatred, jealousy, envy and lust of all kinds. It is important to take hold of the scriptures and absorb them into one’s mind and heart. This is done to counteract the lies the devil feeds the mind and they are thoughts that cripple one’s own identity, as well as their perception of how others view them.

Rejection causes one to look at people and circumstances through a distorted vision. An illustration of this is if someone who suffers from rejection walks into their workplace and two colleagues suddenly stops their conversation, the one who just arrived automatically thinks they are being discussed. In most cases, they may have been talking about something very personal that they do not want everyone to hear, but because the spirit of rejection whispers negative thoughts, it causes feelings of being unaccepted, unwanted and isolated.

Here are some examples of thoughts sown into one’s mind by the spirit of rejection which also uses personal pronouns. It even goes as far as to suggest how one is feeling. The power of suggestion can be very strong and overpowering.

• “I don’t feel that they really want me to come to the party. They are just inviting me because they feel obligated.”

• “It just irritates me that those two are always chit chatting by themselves in the corner. Look how they glance around to see where I am.”

• “I don’t believe that he really loves me; he’s just tolerating me.”

• “I always feel awkward around them because they think they are better.”

• “I just know that dad loves her more than me.”

• “Nobody can possibly love me with this big bum.”

• “I’m not important because everybody always leaves me out of the arrangements.”

(Please see Guideline Prayer – Chapter 19)

13. Knowing My Identity in Christ

This is an essential ingredient in the cake mix of life without which our portion will taste bitter, sour, raw, unsatisfying, too salty or just downright not worth the effort eating. With not knowing our identity in Christ, life is not sweet or tasty and leaves us discontent. God wants us to have abundant life and enjoy the journey, not the opposite. Our identity is not found in a title, a star sign, a church organization, nationality, spouse or even a family name, nor is it found in success, qualifications, finances, status, our looks or image. It certainly is not found in what other people say about us.

By finding out what God said about who I am as His child and His own treasured possession, I became confident to face life and the daily trials that emerged. My confidence even spiked at casting out multitudes of demons from ex-prisoners to ex-Satanists. When one knows their identity and authority in Christ Jesus, they become as bold as a lion, because they have the backing of the King of kings.

If how we accept and see ourselves is based on anything outside of how God sees, loves and accepts us, it may cause us to be prideful or not feel good enough. Feelings of failure or hurt from perceived rejection can set in and steal our joy. There will be rejection in life but that should not determine our happiness because our joy comes from the Lord and is not based on what people think about us. People are fickle and change their opinions like the weather. We need to understand our identity in Christ Jesus and as a true son or daughter of God with all the benefits; we need to believe it in our hearts too.

As a believer in Jesus Christ, we have a secured inheritance in Him through His death and His resurrection. By placing our trust in Him, we are co-heirs with Him spiritually, both for this life time and the one to come.

Everything that belongs to Him as the risen King also belongs to us including His Position, being seated at the right hand of the Father and above every principality; His authority, holiness, purity, righteousness, victory, provision, power, wealth, dominion, love, peace, wholeness and His wisdom. Every provision for our health and wellbeing has already been secured through Christ, as well as our victory over sin and every spiritual force of darkness.

Ephesians 1:3 (AMP) – “May blessing (praise, laudation, and eulogy) be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ (the Messiah) Who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual (given by the Holy Spirit) blessing in the heavenly realm!”

Here are some positive affirmations that should be spoken daily to activate your faith. They are paraphrased from the scriptures listed. Get them into your heart and watch the spirit of rejection disappear!

• I am God’s child according to the good pleasure of His will. (Ephesians1:5)

• I am accepted by God. (Ephesians1:6)

• I am a co-heir with Christ Jesus. (Ephesians1:11)

• I am seated with Christ in heavenly places. (Ephesians 2:6)

• I am a new creation; the old has gone and the new has come. (2 Corinthians 5:17)

• I am a partaker of the great and wonderful promises of God. (2 Peter 1:4)

• I am raised up together with Christ victoriously. (Ephesians 2:6)

• I am saved by the Grace of God and not by my own works. (Ephesians 2:5)

• I am redeemed through the blood of Jesus. (Ephesians 1:7)

• I am chosen by God. (Ephesians 1:4)

• I am holy and without blame. (Ephesians1:4)

• I am a person of wisdom and understanding. (Ephesians 1:8)

• I am God’s workmanship. (Ephesians 2:10)

• I am purposed by God Whom already planned works for me to do in advance. (Ephesians 2:10)

• I am a citizen of the kingdom of God and His household. (Ephesians 2:19)

• I have the mind of Christ. (1 Corinthians 2:16)

• I am more than a conqueror. (Romans 8:37)

• I am healed. (1 Peter 2:24)

• I am consecrated and justified. (1 Corinthians 6:11)

• I am the righteousness of God. (2 Corinthians 5:21)

• In Christ, I am all that the risen Christ is; I am the exact replica of Jesus without being God.

Colossians 2:9-10 (AMP) – “For in Him the whole fullness of Deity (the Godhead) continues to dwell in bodily form [giving complete expression of the divine nature].And you [a]are in Him, made full and having come to fullness of life [in Christ you too are filled with the Godhead—Father, Son and Holy Spirit—and reach full spiritual stature]. And He is the Head of all rule and authority [of every angelic principality and power].”

• I am a king and priest to God – I have access to God as a priest and the authority of a king.

Revelation 1:6 (NKJV) – “To Him who loved us and washed[a] us from our sins in His own blood, and has made us kings[b] and priests to His God and Father, to Him be glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.”

If we approach our heavenly Father in this understanding and not in the attitude of an unworthy person, but in faith and right-standing because we are in Christ, then we will see results in our prayer relationship with God.

If we live life in the revelation of who we are, as kings and priests and in right standing with God and led by the Spirit of God, then we will not run after the things of darkness. Instead we will value those things that are important to the eternal kingdom of light.

14. Understanding My Weaponry & Armory

Ephesians 6:10-18 – “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.”

One would never consider walking around without their armor and weapons on the battlefield, whether they can see the enemy or not. They know that the enemy is there somewhere, hiding and just waiting for the right unsuspecting moment to attack. So it is with us. The reality is that whether we can see the spiritual forces of God and the devil or not, they are both very active on every level of society, in every country, region, village, home, and individual. They are involved in every area of influence, every organization, every level of authority whether on land, or sea. They are involved with everything that is worshipped, every unborn child, every living thing with breath in their lungs, everything big enough to see or small enough that we cannot see with the naked eye. Everything is influenced by the unseen spiritual realm and what happens in that dimension can be seen in the physical dimension. It manifests through the lives of the people, statistics, conversations, decisions and catastrophes and therefore it is not hard to notice even to the untrained individual.

14.1 Protective Armor – Walking in Submission

In Ephesians 6:10, we read the word “Finally” which implies that there are a few things prior to that verse. There really are guidelines to submission! If there is anything that the devil understands, its submission, since he has to submit to the power of the Name of Jesus because of His death and His resurrection. From then on, the devil and his kingdom of darkness only rely on deception.

Romans 13:1 – “Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves.”

Submission to our government, church leaders, husband, parents, teacher, or whatever authority is above us is very important and we need to walk in submission and in rank as God works through all authority to bring about His purpose. There are many who believe that it is their right to sit in judgment of those in authority. Rebelling against God and His authority gives Satan an opportunity to gain a foothold. We have two biblical responsibilities in regard to authority figures; we are to pray for them and submit to them.

When we step out from our covering, the devil is prowling like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. It is for our protection that we need to submit as we trust the Lord for His will and timing to prevail in our lives.

We are living in a rebellious generation and so I plead with you not to underestimate this point. It is only when we are expected to do something that is contrary to scripture or when they attempt to rule outside the realm of their authority that we are to humbly decline. In those circumstances, we are to trust the Lord to intervene and protect us. We see the point clarified in scripture with the three young men, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego in the book of Daniel. They would not bow their knee and worship the King so he had them thrown into the fiery furnace. But because they trusted God as their Deliverer, He protected them right inside the fire itself and not even a hair of their head was singed nor was the smell of smoke on them. This has a lot to do with trusting in God to be the Deliver for us. We are either walking in submission or in rebellion and if we are being defiant, then we are under Satan’s influence.

In our day and age, there are laws that protect us against abuse, and we should not tolerate being mistreated and when necessary, we should use the avenue of the law to deal with abuse. Working through the correct steps and procedures is important.

Daniel 3:27 – “And the satraps, administrators, governors, and the king’s counselors gathered together, and they saw these men on whose bodies the fire had no power; the hair of their head was not singed nor were their garments affected, and the smell of fire was not on them.”

14.2 Weapon & Armor - The Holy Spirit’s Power

Always remember it is God’s power in whom we trust, and not our own abilities that secure our victory. This is completely different from our self-effort mentality of trying to glorify our flesh as God wants to be the one to get the glory for being our vindicator and deliverer.

Ephesians 6:10 – “Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.”

This implies that we need to do it, but in God’s power and not our own. It would be something like driving a huge tanker; we would only need to turn the ignition key to start the engine and steer it. The big engine propels the vehicle forward and carries it to its destination just like the power of the Holy Spirit. We are not the engine!

The battle is the Lord’s and it’s the Lord’s power and spiritual weapons that we use, not our own abilities through our physical body. We cannot fight the devil in the physical realm by using our own “flesh and blood” because the devil is not a physical being. He is a spiritual one and we would be no match for the devil without the power of God available at work in us. For example, God used Gideon to lead an army of only three hundred men to fight the Midianites, who were as the sand by the seashore in multitude. God had just sent about 31,700 of their Israel soldiers home to prove that He gave them the victory. In fact even their 31,700 soldiers would not have been sufficient to fight the Midianites in this case but God showed them it was by His power, not theirs, that they had the victory.

Judges 6:15 (NKJV) – “So he said to Him, “O my Lord,[b] how can I save Israel? Indeed my clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my father’s house.”

Judges 7:2 – “And the Lord said to Gideon, “The people who are with you are too many for Me to give the Midianites into their hands, lest Israel claim glory for itself against Me, saying, ‘My own hand has saved me.’”

Judges 7:12 – “Now the Midianites and Amalekites, all the people of the East, were lying in the valley as numerous as locusts; and their camels were without number, as the sand by the seashore in multitude.”

14.3 Armor - Deciding To Walk ‘In Christ’

Ephesians 6:10-13 – “Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.”

Jesus Christ is our Armor - It’s a spiritual battle therefore “put on” the Armor - This is about making a decision to actively walk in the attitude and nature of Christ daily. He is our Truth, Peace and Righteousness. He is also the author of our faith and our salvation. He is our sword and John 1 explains that Jesus is the Word who became flesh and dwelled among us.

So therefore God has given us everything we need in this world to be the overcomer that He has called us to be through Christ Jesus.

14.4 Protective Armor – the Belt of Truth

“Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist. . .” (Ephesians 6:14).

Decide to believe the truth of the Word of God and measure all things by its standard. Make sure it is tightly fastened around the center of your life like a belt holding up your trousers, so it will hold up your ‘walk’ which is our journey with the Lord through this life time. Learn to apply it to every situation so as not to be deceived.

John 14:6 (NIV) – “Jesus answered, ‘I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.’”

If we know what God says in the Bible about living and believe it as the Truth, then we can recognize when spiritual forces are in operation trying to deceive us.

John 8:31-32 (AMP) – “So Jesus said to those Jews who had believed in Him, If you abide in My word [hold fast to My teachings and live in accordance with them], you are truly My disciples. And you will know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free.”

Please notice in this scripture that these disciples of Jesus didn’t only know the truth, they believed it and walked in it and it brought them freedom. As disciples of Truth, we also choose to speak the truth at ALL times, which also protects us.

As we read God’s Word it begins to mirror our heart and life; it reveals the truth about who we really are. If you don’t like what you see in that mirror, only you can change it! When we know the truth, it becomes like a revelation witnessing with our spirit within and when we activate that Truth, it brings freedom born out of faith.

When we know that we have been living in error in a certain area, we should ask the Lord to forgive us and renounce involvement. God is faithful and just to forgive us and He cleans us from all unrighteousness.

Titus 2:11-13 (AMP) – “For the grace of God (His unmerited favor and blessing) has come forward (appeared) for the deliverance from sin and the eternal salvation for all mankind. It has trained us to reject and renounce all ungodliness (irreligion) and worldly (passionate) desires, to live discreet (temperate, self-controlled), upright, devout (spiritually whole) lives in this present world.”

One should not however confuse forgiveness and renunciation, as forgiveness deals with our right-standing with God. Know that renunciation deals with the areas to which we have given Satan access. It needs to be taken back so that we can live in wholeness.

Ephesians 4:27 (AMP) – “Leave no [such] room or foothold for the devil [give no opportunity to him].”

14.5 Armor – Breastplate of Righteousness

Ephesians 6:14 (NIV) – “. . .with the breastplate of righteousness in place. . .”

I like the way the Amplified Bible words this:

Ephesians 6:14 (AMP) – “. . . having put on the breastplate of integrity and of moral rectitude and right standing with God,”

The phrase “put on” means deciding to walk in the righteousness of Jesus which is integrity and rightness of principle or conduct towards others and right standing with God. It will affect the way we handle situations and how we choose to do what is right in God’s sight. In essence we are already in right-standing with God because of our relationship with Jesus. However, by walking in that attitude, He will help us make the right choices in life that affect our conscience to keep our hearts tender to His voice. Just to clarify, it’s because of the righteousness of Jesus that we have access to the Father and not our own righteousness, but He leads us in the paths of righteousness. (See Psalm 23.)

Romans 6:13 (NIV) – “Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness.”

14.6 Protective Armor – Gospel of Peace

Ephesians 6:15 – “. . .and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.”

Our feet must be fitted with readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. Jesus is the Prince of Peace and He resides in each of us if we have invited Him into our heart. We therefore need to readily bring peace into every potential conflict scenario or offer the Gospel of Peace to those who know no peace. We need to pursue peace and be peacemakers. We need to be examples of our Peace, Jesus Christ.

1 Peter 3:11 (AMP) – “. . . Let him search for peace (harmony; undisturbedness from fears, agitating passions, and moral conflicts) and seek it eagerly. [Do not merely desire peaceful relations with God, with your fellowmen, and with yourself, but pursue, go after them!]”

14.7 Protective Armor – Shield of Faith

Ephesians 6:16 – “In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.”

A shield is used for overall protection and not just to protect a specific area of the body. Therefore this armor is to protect every area of our lives. Everything in the Bible is concerning faith and we cannot even believe that God exists without having faith. (See Hebrews 11:6.) It is essential to make a decision to take up or activate our faith in God in every area of our lives as we cannot trust in man or what we can see with our eyes. Everything physical is temporal and subject to change, but God never changes; He is the same yesterday, today and forever.

Hebrews 11:1(NIV) – “Now faith is the confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”

14.8 Protective Armor - Helmet of Salvation

Ephesians 6:17 – “Take the helmet of salvation . . .”

This is a protection for the head, for our mind and thought life that governs the decisions we make. There are all kinds of guerilla warfare type of enemy strategies of lies and trickery from the kingdom of darkness that tries to influence our thinking. The enemy wants to stop us from obtaining everything God has for us, limit and keep us from knowing and understanding our freedom, identity, purpose, power, love and grace in Christ Jesus. He uses any kind of deception to rob us from this. The Head is also a metaphor for headship to rule over our circumstances in our God-given authority. The word “take” implies that we must get it! We need to completely understand our Salvation and what God has done for us and provided so that we can use it without being robbed.

14.9 Weapon & Armor - Sword of the Spirit

Ephesians 6:17b – “. . .and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”

The Word of God is like a sword for both defending and attacking the enemy. Lay hold of everything in the Bible and fully grasp its meaning by meditating on the scriptures instead of just reading it with haste. We need to wield it like we would a sword, counteracting and cutting off the devil’s attacks. Let it pierce the kingdom of darkness as we use it to overcome all things. God’s Word will never pass away and it holds all things together.

Luke 21:33(AMP) – “The sky and the earth (the universe, the world) will pass away, but My words will not pass away.”

Even when the devil tried to tempt Jesus in the wilderness, He used the Word of God to counteract the devil.

Matthew 4:8-11 – “Again, the devil took Him up on an exceedingly high mountain, and showed Him all the kingdoms of the world and their glory. And he said to Him, “All these things I will give You if You will fall down and worship me.” Then Jesus said to him, “Away with you,[d] Satan! For it is written, ‘You shall worship the Lord your God, and Him only you shall serve.’” Then the devil left Him,. . .”

14.10 Weapon & Armor - Praying in the Spirit

Ephesians 6:18 – “And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.”

There are probably more books written on prayer than anything else so I shall not labor this point. Prayer is simply communicating with God. Praying in the Spirit is to pray in one’s unique heavenly language, and then follow on by praying in the understanding of our own mother tongue. This confuses the enemy as he only understands the known languages, not our own God-given unknown tongue, as mentioned in my story. Every person who accepts Jesus Christ as Lord can ask God for their own spiritual, unique language and it’s like dynamite against the enemy’s plans because we are praying the perfect prayer. That’s like having a secret undercover spy right inside the enemy’s camp divulging all their plans against you so you can counteract them. God is awesome!

1 Corinthians 14:2 – “For one who speaks in an [unknown] tongue speaks not to men but to God, for no one understands or catches his meaning, because in the [Holy] Spirit he utters secret truths and hidden things [not obvious to the understanding].”

1 Corinthians 14:15 – “Then what am I to do? I will pray with my spirit [by the Holy Spirit that is within me], but I will also pray [intelligently] with my mind and understanding; I will sing with my spirit [by the Holy Spirit that is within me], but I will sing [intelligently] with my mind and understanding also.”

There are different kinds of prayer including intercession, warfare, thanksgiving, petitioning, worship etc., and all are important. We truly need to keep alert, implying that we should not become lazy by putting down this weapon of prayer because it’s essential to counteract the devil’s schemes. It’s just like a chess board except we already hold the check-mate in every move the enemy tries.

“Be Alert!” Our family, friends, church, government etc. all need our prayers and we need theirs. We can make all the difference in their lives since we have God with us but if, and only if, we are a believer in relationship with Jesus. (See Prayer Guidelines – Chapter 19.)

14.11 Weapon & Armor - The Name of Jesus

Philippians 2:9-11 (NIV) – “Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name,10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.”

Everything has to submit to the Name of Jesus. All sickness, demons and circumstances are all just temporary however, with God, nothing is impossible for those who believe. When we speak in the Name of Jesus, we have access to our heavenly Father and we can ask anything of Him. In the Name of Jesus, we are His ambassadors and carry His authority and all that He is.

14.12 Weapon & Armor - The Blood of Jesus

Everything in the Old Testament was a type and shadow of what was to come in the New Testament. Moses instructed the people of God to apply the blood of the lamb (symbolic of the Blood of Jesus) onto their door frame to protect them from the judgment plague of death coming.

The blood of Jesus was shed to save us by reconciling us to God and protecting us from the eternal judgment of Hell to come. My point being the blood of Jesus is both for access and protection or Weapon and Armor. We can use it to pursue all the rest of what God has already secured for us. Understanding what the Blood of Jesus has accomplished for us helps to apply it accurately and abundantly. Its power is supreme and through which we have forgiveness of sin and the power of healing, access to God, authority to reign over our lives and circumstances as well as the elements of this world. We have power over all the power of the enemy in the spirit dimension and its manifestations in the physical realm. All of this is because of His great love.

I have found that when casting out demons, the Blood of Jesus that covers me is powerful and completely protects me. Even when I’ve had demonized people screaming at the top of their voice, “I’m going to kill you!” I just replied, “You can’t, because I’m covered with the blood of Jesus!” I have had some hilarious reactions showing their shock as they have eyeballed me up and down looking at what I couldn’t see in the natural. Oh yes, the Blood of Jesus is so very powerful and I want to suggest that it is our most powerful weapon.

Hebrews 10:19 (NIV) – “. . .Therefore, brothers and sisters, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus. . .”

Revelation 12:11 (NKJV) - “And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony…”

1 John 1:7 – “and the blood of Jesus, His Son, purifies us from all sin.”

14.13 Weapon & Armor – Worshipful Living

Romans 12:1 – “Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.”

Living connected with Jesus and being led daily of the Holy Spirit will cause the growth of the fruit of the Holy Spirit in our life. This is both a weapon and also part of our armor. It’s a sacrificial lifestyle as unto the Lord and it bears the following fruit.

Galatians 5:22 – “But the fruit of the [Holy] Spirit [the work which His presence within accomplishes] is love, joy (gladness), peace, patience (an even temper, forbearance), kindness, goodness (benevolence), faithfulness, gentleness (meekness, humility), self-control (self-restraint, continence).”

Let’s take for example what the Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13:8 about how “love never fails”. If we counteract attacks from the devil (who uses people against us) by reacting while outfitted in our full spiritual armor of love, it will derail the enemy’s onslaught against us. We will not succumb to his schemes. Reacting in love is like us throwing water on a fire threatening to burn us. It confuses the enemy.

We can also use love as a weapon to possess new territory. For example, loving on people in deed and action will automatically open their hearts to us and a doorway to make a difference in their lives. The unbelievers use friends to gain wealth, but God’s people use wealth to gain friends in order to reach them and their families with the Good News of Jesus Christ.

Luke 16:9 (NIV) – “I tell you, use worldly wealth to gain friends for yourselves. . .”

14.14 Weapon & Armor - Praise & Worship

When we praise and worship God in word and song, it is a powerful weapon that clears the spiritual atmosphere around us scattering the enemy in all different directions. When we welcome God by lifting up His name, His Presence fills the atmosphere around us in a greater measure and also attracts angelic presence too. In the early days, travelling to and fro from work was an ideal opportunity for me to praise and worship every day with a CD. I would turn up the volume in my car and sing at the top of my lungs because nobody could hear when I missed a note. A wrong note didn’t matter because my heart was in the right place. I enjoyed my time singing from my heart to the Lord and I believe that this was a big key in setting me free from lots of spiritual issues.

I let a lot of CD’s guide me initially and then sometimes I would turn off the CD player and sing my own songs that bubbled up from my heart. Now I worship the Lord regularly and sometimes on my keyboard too. We have fantastic times together and every day a new song would rise out of my spirit by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit. Very frequently and without any instrument, I still enjoy God’s presence as I worship Him at home just with my own voice while cleaning up the house. I love being alone with God.

Acts 16:24-26 (AMP) – “He, having received [so strict a] charge, put them into the inner prison (the dungeon) and fastened their feet in the stocks. But about midnight, as Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns of praise to God, and the [other] prisoners were listening to them, Suddenly there was a great earthquake, so that the very foundations of the prison were shaken; and at once all the doors were opened and everyone’s shackles were unfastened.”

Here we see that Paul and Silas and the other prisoners had their prison doors opened and their shackles unfastened suddenly as they prayed and sang songs of praise to God. The power of praise affects both physical and spiritual dimensions setting captives free.

Psalm 37:4 (AMP) – “Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart.”

John 4:24 – “God is a Spirit (a spiritual Being) and those who worship Him must worship Him in spirit and in truth (reality).”

14.15 Weapon & Armor - Corporate Anointing

Attending church is not a religious ritual, but a living organism that ignites a spiritual ‘atomic bomb’ destroying the enemy in the area and over one’s own life. It’s not worth neglecting the Assembly of God’s people, as this is where we fan aflame the gifts of the Holy Spirit and encourage each other. It’s also where we receive training in the kingdom of light in how to embrace the call of God on our lives and we receive care, counsel and prayer support.

Hebrews 10:25 – “Not forsaking or neglecting to assemble together [as believers], as is the habit of some people, but admonishing (warning, urging, and encouraging) one another, and all the more faithfully as you see the day approaching.”

The corporate anointing is very powerful and a good way to have a continuous spiritual ‘washing off’ of some of those harassing spiritual forces. They can invaded one’s atmosphere from anywhere, as we rub shoulders with people every day with different negative spiritual issues and that seek to contaminate our atmosphere and try to affect our thinking and even feelings. It’s about ensuring that they leave and don’t affect one’s life because bad company destroys good character.

Philippians 1:6 – “And I am convinced and sure of this very thing, that He Who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ [right up to the time of His return], developing [that good work] and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you.”

Chapter Nineteen

Guideline Prayers

This section involves prayer guidelines, however after most of these prayers, there are also additional steps to address and cut off the spiritual forces that were hampering that area of one’s life. There are also decrees to be spoken which will establish victory.

1. Becoming A Child of God

Heavenly Father, I realize that I am a sinner and in need of a Savior. I believe that Jesus Christ is Your Son and that He lived a sinless life and then in His innocence, He took upon Himself all the sin of the world and died on the cross to redeem mankind, reconciling us to You. Jesus paid for my sin with His own precious blood and then He rose up from the dead victorious over sin and death. I acknowledge and accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and I ask forgiveness for all my sin, as I also choose to forgive all those who have offended me. Help me Lord to pursue my new relationship with you and to grow quickly in my understanding of your written Word. In the name of Jesus Christ my Lord I pray this. Amen.

I suggest that if you have just given your heart to Jesus, that you get water baptized, as Jesus instructed it. (See Matthew 28:19.) It’s not the same as the child dedication of a baby, since it must be a personal decision to follow Christ Jesus and a baby cannot make that decision.

2.1. Forgiveness Towards Others

You must forgive each personal individually, even if it takes a while, because it’s important to handle this matter sincerely and thoroughly before being in the right position to move on to Point # 2.2.

Heavenly Father, I come to you in Jesus’ name. Lord, I ask You to forgive me for harboring offense in my heart towards ________________ (person’s name).

Lord, You know all things and therefore know what I have been through concerning this person and so Father I give this person to You to judge this matter fairly. I realize that forgiveness is a decision of the will and not according to feelings, so today Lord, I choose to forgive ________________(person’s name) for __________________(whatever the offense was), in obedience to Your Word, and I ask that You will heal my heart and mind from the pain relating to what this person has done to me. Amen.

2.2. Spirit of Offense & Unforgiveness

By the power and authority in the blood and the name of Jesus Christ, I uproot the spirit of offenses and unforgiveness from my life.

I command it, together with its colonies of roots and fruits, to leave me now, in Jesus Name!

2.3. Decree

In the name of Jesus, I decree over my life today that I have forgiven every person and that Satan has no right to harass me any longer.

I decree that by God’s grace I shall walk in forgiveness and love all the days of my life.

3. Praying in the Spirit/Baptism in the Holy Spirit

Heavenly Father, I ask You for the free gift of the Holy Spirit that You promised to all those who believe in You and receive Your Son as Lord and Savior. I ask You for this infilling of the Holy Spirit with the evidence of speaking in tongues, to help me to pray, edify and empower me as a witness for You (Acts 1:8), and also to help me in my personal relationship with You. Help me to trust You and not try and understand the words as they are communication from my spirit to Your Spirit, as I speak them out in faith. I ask this in Jesus Name.

4.1. Prayer: Breaking Soul-Ties

Holy Spirit, I ask you to remind me of all ungodly dependencies on others and ungodly sexual sins committed and also those individuals involved, in Jesus’ Name

Heavenly Father, I yield myself to You; body, soul and spirit, and I confess as sin all ungodly dependencies on others and sexual sin outside of marriage, and I ask Your forgiveness. I renounce all involvement in the sin of sexual relations outside of marriage, and every sexual use of my body, willingly or unwillingly through molestation, incest or rape and any ungodly dependencies on others including controlling leaders/counselors, covenants to be blood brothers/sisters, the Sen-Sei of Marshall Arts or ungodly vows/covenants with individuals.

I ask you, Lord, to destroy every soul-tie of bondage between me and _________ (name each past sexual partner/ individual) and I ask you to cleanse my body, soul and spirit. Help me to forget all unions so that I am free to give myself totally to You and to my (future) husband / wife, through the amazing and precious blood of my Savior, Your Son, Jesus.

I thank You for the assurance of Your forgiveness and I commit myself totally to You, to depend on You to lead, guide, comfort, defend and provide for me. I am Yours and present my body to You as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to You, as I trust in You alone. In Jesus’ Name I pray this, Amen.

4.2. Breaking Soul-Ties

In Christ Jesus I am seated above every principality and power of darkness, so I therefore address every evil spirit that has contaminated me or influenced me and my children, as a result of ungodly soul-ties, and I bind them and command them to leave me and my children, right now in Jesus’ Name!

By the authority I possess in Christ Jesus and by the power in the blood of Jesus, I cancel all demonic access to me and my children, and I nullify every mission and assignment of the enemy against me and my children as a result of soul-ties.

I uproot from my body, soul and spirit, every tentacle of sexual cravings, every emotional longing and thought pattern in bondage to these individuals. I seal shut those spiritual doorways to me and to my children, with the blood of Jesus.

4.3. Decree

I decree that Satan has no access to me or my children, and that his power over us from soul-ties has been broken.

I decree that my spirit is joined only with the Spirit of my Lord Jesus Christ and nobody else and that I am dependent on God alone.

I release the Holy Spirit in my life to replace every area previously occupied by darkness.

5.1. Rejection : Prayer

Heavenly Father, I come to you in Jesus’ Name, and thank you that you pre-destined me from before the foundations of this world and that you created me with purpose. Lord, most of all I thank You that You love me with an inseparable and unconditional love and acceptance. I thank You too, that Your desire is that I receive Your love and walk in wholeness, body, soul and spirit.

Father, by the power of Your Holy Spirit, please penetrate into the deepest recesses of my conscious and unconscious mind, to heal the emotional scars of the past. Lord I ask You to go back throughout my life right from the moment of conception inside my mother’s womb, and heal the wounds of rejection from any negative feelings and situations my parents experienced concerning my conception. Heal any other negative force that impacted my life from the beginning, until this very moment in time. Thank You for being there as life began and for always being there, even though I was unaware of Your love.

Lord, I lift up all those cutting experiences throughout my existence, before and throughout my school years, college / university, workplace, relationships of every kind, and even in marriage. As I remember and forgive each person for the hurt and pain I was subjected to, I also ask You, Lord, to forgive me for harboring any offense in my heart against these individuals, and also for any vengeance I had aimed at them. ________________ (pause a moment and name them as they come to mind).

I ask You, my Heavenly Father, to pour into my heart Your healing balm of love and grace, as I release them to You. You alone know the motives of all and everything done in secret. Lord let a divine forgiveness flow into every past relationship by Your Spirit.

Father please heal me from the deep wounds of rejection, bitterness, fears and phobias that I received as a result of situations I faced with my mother, father, brothers, sisters, grandparents, relatives, spouse, friends, class mates, teachers and professors, church and other leaders, work colleagues, acquaintances, and even unknown people that I encountered. Deliver me from the feelings of being unwanted, abandoned, unloved, pushed aside, hated, harshly and unfairly treated, disrespected, embarrassed, humiliated, mocked, belittled, and even laughed at. Take away the feelings of those competing against me, those that were jealous of me and lied about me, and those who resented me and deliberately excluded me because of my race, appearance, size, financial status, education or family. All those hurtful feelings of not being valued enough, of piercing words spoken, of unrealistic expectations, of betrayal, of parents splitting up and the loneliness I experienced because of separation, divorce, sickness, and even loss.

Heavenly Father, when I remember the emotional crisis and confusion of those dark periods in my life when I tried to hide from reality in a fantasy world, or turned to addictions as a result of the rejection, I ask You to please repair the damage to my mind, body and emotions in Jesus’ mighty name.

I ask You to heal me at the core of my emotions from all situations I was exposed to as a result of substance abuse. Lord, You were there protecting me from a much worse danger than what I experienced, and You have kept me alive for such a time as this. I want to receive your amazing love that overshadows all the schemes of darkness that tried to destroy my life completely, and even may have tried to permanently wipe me off the face of this earth. I ask You to redeem the past and make it one of great testimony, where You turn around all my pain and hurt for the good and that You will end up getting all the glory.

Lord I forgive every person that rejected me and I release them from the way they treated me. I ask You to fill that void in my heart with Your powerful love and inner joy. Lord, You are truly a miracle worker and I ask for Your miraculous touch today as You mend every broken relationship in the right way and wipe away the pain. Remove all hatred and replace it with the love of God.

Lord, I ask You to set me free from every hurt and pain, and every memory that has been fused in my mind as a result of the rejection I felt. In whatever form rejection was unleashed against me as it tried to cripple and stunt the correct development of my emotions and rob me from true love, affection and friendship, and most of all from the truth of Your great love, Father, help me. Lord you were there and loved me even when I felt the feelings of hurt and rejection in the womb; as a toddler, as a child; as a teen, in my youth; as an adult; in and out of marriage. You have always been there and loved me and have never stopped loving me.

Heavenly Father I receive Your pure and flawless love and acceptance, and I give my heart to You completely as I know You will never break it. Unlike mankind, You never change, as You stay the same yesterday, today and forever. Thank You for loving me just the way I am.

Lord, I thank You for Your great love and thank You for filling me with that same love for all those who rejected me. Help me to love others and also to accept myself too. I thank You for going deep down into the deepest recesses of my mind and heart and healing me completely and also for releasing Your joy on the inside of me. Thank You for cleansing me and making me whole, body, soul and spirit and I give You all the praise, honor and glory, in Jesus’ Name.

In marriage, heal those vulnerable memories of moments in marriage when critical and judgmental words were spoken and have echoed in my mind repeatedly, tormenting me and piercing my heart so deeply. Heal my heart, Lord Jesus.

I remember the misunderstandings we encountered and the terrible nightmare issues we faced in our relationship. Lord You can identify with the feelings of betrayal and rejection and the emotions that left me feeling unloved.

Lord I forgive my spouse, and I release the painful feelings of rejection to You. I ask You to stand in between us and heal the deep wounds of our relationship and erase every agonizing memory. Remind me repeatedly of the good times we have shared together.

Holy Spirit I ask You to soak up all the negative emotions and replace them with positive ones of Your love and acceptance.

5.2. Spirit of Rejection

In Christ Jesus I am seated above every principality and power of darkness, so I therefore take authority over the spirit of rejection and all its roots and fruits: fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of loneliness, bitterness, hatred, self-hatred, self-harm, depression, addictions __________ (Name them), degradation and worthlessness, jealousy, shame and phobias ____________ (Name the phobias/fears).

I bind every one of these evil spirits and command them to uproot themselves together with all their roots and fruits in their colonies, and I rebuke them from my life in Jesus Name.

I cancel every mission of the enemy assigned to me that kept me in bondage to those emotions and individuals, and I nullify their influence over me from this day forward.

I uproot from my body, soul and spirit, all images and thought patterns that have been in bondage to these situations, events and individuals. I uproot every tentacle of emotional hurt and pain in my heart, mind, nerves, muscles and all related trauma, because of these experiences, in the mighty and most powerful name of Jesus!

I seal shut all these doorways in the spirit to my life, with the blood of Jesus.

5.3. Decree

In Jesus’ Name I decree that Satan has no access to me and that his power over me from every past issue of rejection has been broken today.

I decree that I am emotionally whole and free through the power of the blood of Jesus!

I release the Holy Spirit in my life to replace every area previously occupied by darkness.

6.1. Fear : Prayer

Heavenly Father, I thank you that Your precious Son broke the limitations of mankind by overcoming every fear that presented itself to Him during His time as a man on this earth, with the vulnerabilities of mankind. Even with the foreknowledge of what He knew He needed to endure at the cross, He still proceeded to face the fears associated with his death on the cross and utter separation from You, and of death and the grave. He faced every human fear head on to overcome them all for our victory today, and because of His passionate and unconditional love for us, that propelled Him forward, He faced it all by placing His trust in You.

Thank You that Jesus died and arose again for my sin, hurts, pain, sickness and fears, so that I can know that I can trust You too, just like He did right till the very end. Because I am in Christ Jesus, I was raised up with Him in Victory over fear.

So, Lord I lift up, confess and surrender all my fears to You now:

• fears of animals, sharks, spiders and all creepy insects

• fear of rejection

• fear of failure

• fear of lack

• fear of not ever finding a spouse

• fear of being abused

• fear of the possibility of leaders controlling me if I submit to them

• fear of being in an accident

• fear of speaking in front of a lot of people

• fear of financial loss

• fear of losing my home

• fear of losing my job

• fear of leaving home

• fear of getting married

• fear of losing a loved one

• fear of the pain involved with death

• fear of the dentist

• fear of dying young

• fear of the unknown

• fear of darkness

• fears of the unseen spirit realm

• fear of having a reoccurring nightmare

• fear of developing hereditary deceases

• fear of not waking up

• fear of not making it to Heaven

• fear of what is to come after death

• fear of being in an enclosed space

• fear of dolls and clowns

• fear of falling from height

• fear of flying

• fear of swimming and drowning

• fear of not ever having children

• fear of failure as a parent

• fear of dying of a painful sickness

• fear of being lost and alone

• fear of betrayal

• fear of crowds

• fear of men/women

• fear of being raped

• phobias of any kind

• worry & anxiety

• dread

• (Name any fears not mentioned above)

I ask You, Lord, by the power of Your Holy Spirit, to go right back into the deepest recesses of my mind and to the core of my emotions and cleanse me from those terrifying memories that resulted in overwhelming fears of being left alone, lost, taken against my will and scared in the dark. Take away the horrors when I experienced accidents, injury, surgery, and trauma. Ease and erase those dreadful times of severe pain, sickness, the death of a loved one, and the terrible sorrow, mourning and grief that followed. Diminish the increasing fear as the day approached for me to make my first public speech and the memory of the faces of the people staring at me. The fearful times of being physically abused and thinking that I was going to die and the haunting memories involved.

I place all those memories that caused fear, worry, anxiety, dread, addictions and phobias to become active in my life, at the foot of the cross and I choose to place my trust in You instead. I ask You, Lord, to forgive me for substance abuse and addictions as a result of fearful situations, worry or anxiety.

I believe You will never leave me nor forsake me, and that You will do whatever it takes to fulfill that promise to me because You have bound Yourself to the authority of Your own Word. Your Word is forever yes and amen. I pray this all in the name of Jesus Christ.

I thank You that in You I have true peace and joy.

Amen.

6.2. Spirit of Fear

In Christ Jesus I am seated above every principality and power of darkness, so I therefore take authority over the spirits of fear;

Spirit of fear of _________(name all the fears you prayed about in 6.1),

Spirit of Anxiety; Spirit of worry;

Spirit of phobia of __________;

Spirit of Addiction of ___________ (Name the addiction);

I bind every one of these evil spirits and command them to uproot themselves with all their roots and fruits in their colonies, and I rebuke them from my life in Jesus’ Name.

I cancel every mission of the enemy assigned to me that had kept me in bondage to the emotions of fear, anxiety, worry, addictions and phobias, and I cancel them today in Jesus’ Name.

I uproot from my body, soul and spirit, all images and thought patterns in my conscious and unconscious mind, that have been connected to situations, events and individuals that caused fear, anxiety, worry, phobias, and addictions in my life. I uproot every tentacle of emotional hurt and pain in my heart, mind and body including nerves, muscles and all related trauma, because of these experiences, in the mighty and most powerful name of Jesus!

All spiritual doorways to my life concerning fear, anxiety, worry, phobias, and addictions, I seal shut with the blood of Jesus.

6.3. Decree

In Jesus’ Name, I decree that Satan has no access to me and that his power over me from every past issue of fear, anxiety, worry, phobia and addiction, has been broken today.

I decree that I am emotionally whole and free through the power of the blood of Jesus!

I release the Holy Spirit in my life to replace every area previously occupied by darkness.

7.1. Abortion: Prayer

Lord, I ask Your forgiveness for not taking up the responsibility of the life with which You had trusted me. I confess abortion as sin and renounce it. Lord, I accept Your forgiveness and I also forgive myself for losing out on the blessing that You had released to me. Lord, I ask You to fill the void in my heart concerning this little one that I let go, and I ask You to let Your love be poured into that place and heal my emotions from guilt, loss, pain, regret, depression, hurt, self-hatred, bitterness, sorrow, grief and every other emotion that has resulted from this experience in my life.

I also choose to forgive every person that had any influence in this decision and release them now in Jesus Name.

I ask You to heal my body, soul and spirit from any and all wounds, injuries and all painful memories, images and thoughts as a result of this event.

I now commit my baby into Your loving care for all eternity. I am forever grateful for Your mercy and grace and I trust that I shall one day be united with my child in the life to come, in Jesus’ Name. Amen.

7.2. Spirit of Abortion

In Christ Jesus I am seated above every principality and power of darkness, so I therefore take authority over the spirit of abortion, spirit of death, spirit of guilt, spirit of self-hatred, spirit of loss, spirit of regret, spirit of bitterness, spirit of sorrow, spirit of grief, spirit of depression, spirit of suicide, and I bind them and command them to uproot themselves with all their roots and fruits in colonies, and I rebuke them from my life in Jesus’ Name.

I cancel the curse of barrenness over my life and I cancel every mission and assignment of the enemy against me concerning the emotions of this event and I nullify it in Jesus’ Name.

I uproot from my body, soul and spirit every tentacle of emotional hurt and pain in my heart, mind, nerves, muscles and all related trauma, because of this experience, in the mighty and most powerful name of Jesus!

All spiritual doorways, to my life concerning abortion, death, barrenness, grief, loss, resentment, bitterness, self-hatred, suicide, unforgiveness, and guilt, I seal shut with the blood of Jesus.

7.3. Decree

In Jesus’ Name, I decree that Satan has no access to me and that his power over me from the past issue of abortion has been broken today.

I decree that I am emotionally whole and free through the power of the blood of Jesus!

I decree that my body is fruitful and whole and that everything that I lay my hands to will prosper and multiply.

I decree that I shall walk in the fullness of all that God has for me.

8.1. Attempted Suicide: Prayer

Heavenly Father, I come before Your throne in the name of Jesus. Lord I ask You to forgive me for not valuing this life You gave me and for believing the lies the Devil fed me. He wanted me to believe that the only way to find peace was to end it all. I thank You, Lord, for protecting me from death and because of Your great love and grace You have given me the opportunity of finding You and a brand new beginning. Lord, I renounce the lie that I can find freedom by killing myself, as Satan is the father of lies and a thief, who comes to steal, kill and destroy. I choose Christ to rule my heart, Who came to give me abundant life. (See John 10:10.)

Lord I ask You to heal my body, soul and spirit and cleanse me from every result of attempted suicide. Thank You for giving me new hope and a reason to live and I ask You to help me to take hold of my calling and purpose for which You have formed me and to experience the inner joy of knowing You and living for You and all You have for me. Amen.

8.2. Spirit of Suicide

In Christ Jesus I am seated above every principality and power of darkness, so I therefore take authority over the spirit of depression, spirit of despair, spirit of suicide, spirit of death, spirit of barrenness, spirit of guilt, spirit of self-hatred, spirit of bitterness, spirit of rejection, spirit of unforgiveness, spirit of loss, and the spirit of grief. I bind them and command them to uproot themselves with all their roots and fruits, and I rebuke them from my life in Jesus’ Name!

I cancel every mission and assignment of the enemy against me concerning suicide and death and I nullify it in Jesus’ Name.

I uproot from my body, soul and spirit, all images and thought patterns that have been connected to the attempted suicide and the events leading up to it. I also uproot every tentacle of emotional hurt and pain in my heart, mind, nerves, muscles and all related trauma, because of this experience, in the mighty and most powerful name of Jesus!

All spiritual doorways to my life concerning suicide and death, I seal shut with the blood of Jesus.

8.3. Decree

In Jesus’ Name, I decree that Satan has no access to me and that his power over me from the past issue of attempted suicide has been broken today.

I decree that I am whole and free through the power of the blood of Jesus!

I decree that I walk in the joy of my salvation and shall live a long life of faith, love and peace.

9.1. Addiction & Substance Misuse: Prayer

Heavenly Father, I come before Your throne in the name of Jesus. I confess as sin my addiction to alcohol / tobacco / food / prescription medications / street drugs/ _________ (name other addictions) for pleasure, acceptance, to face fears, worries and anxiety, as well as to escape my reality.

I ask Your forgiveness for abusing my body with substance misuse and not valuing what You have entrusted to me to become a temple for Your glory on this earth.

I renounce substance misuse and addiction and ask You, Lord to cleanse my body, soul and spirit from every desire and craving for these substances. Lord I submit myself to You and I ask You to heal me from all damage caused by substance misuse and release strength to face each day dependent on You alone. I ask You to heal the deepest recesses of my mind and heart from bad experiences and harmful thought patterns, as a result of substance misuse and addictions.

I ask You to fill me with Your Holy Spirit and help me to become addicted to Your Word and Love in Jesus’ Name, amen.

9.2. Spirits of Addiction & Substance Misuse

Through the blood of Christ Jesus, I am seated above every power of the enemy, so I therefore take authority over the spirit of addiction, spirit of alcohol, spirit of nicotine, spirit of drugs, spirit of __________ (name specific drug/s), spirit of emptiness, spirit of hallucinations, spirit of unconsciousness, spirit of slavery, spirit of bondage, spirit of perversion, spirit of fear, spirit of anxiety, spirit of worry, spirit of hatred, spirit of rebellion, spirit of worldliness, spirit of darkness, spirit of depression, spirit of suicide, spirit of death, spirit of pain, spirit of guilt, spirit of bitterness, spirit of offense, spirit of rejection, spirit of shame, spirit of loss, and the spirit of grief. I bind and uproot them with all their roots and fruits, and I rebuke them from my life and command them to never return to me, in Jesus’ Name!

I cancel every mission and assignment of the enemy against me concerning substance misuse and addiction, and I nullify it in Jesus’ Name.

I cancel all generational curses through the bloodline concerning addiction and substance misuse in Jesus Name.

I bind, uproot and rebuke from my mind, every mind-binding spirit and all images and thought patterns that have kept me in bondage to substance misuse and addiction and out of body experiences and hallucinations, and forbid them to ever return to me, in Jesus Name!

I bind, uproot and rebuke every tentacle of emotional hurt and pain in my heart, mind, will, nerves, muscles and all related trauma, because of these experiences, and forbid them to return to me, in the mighty and most powerful name of Jesus!

All spiritual doorways to my life concerning substance misuse and addictions, I seal shut with the blood of Jesus.

9.3. Decree

In Jesus’ Name, I decree that Satan has no access to me and that his power over me from the past issues of substance misuse and addictions have been broken today!

I decree that I am whole and free through the power of the blood of Jesus!

I decree that my dependence is on Christ Jesus alone!

I decree that I am blessed and my descendants are blessed to a thousand generations.

I decree that I walk daily in the fruit of the Holy Spirit of self-control and that the grace of God is sufficient for me.

I decree that I have the mind of Christ and the thoughts of the Holy Spirit and that God will cause me to will to do His good pleasure!

10.1. Generational Curses: Prayer

Heavenly Father, I come to you in the precious name of Jesus Christ. I thank You, Lord, that because of the shed blood of Jesus, my repentance from sin and by placing my faith in your Son, I have the authority to break all curses IN CHRIST and to lay hold of all the wonderful promises in Your Word for myself, and to live life in abundance and freedom.

By this authority I come against every generational curse over my life through the family bloodline right back from the tenth generation of my ancestors, and I break them now and cancel their weight in the spirit and physical realm against me and my descendants, in Jesus’ Name!

I also nullify every generational curse as a result of the sins I had committed, and that they are cancelled and have no affect over my descendants in Jesus’ Name!

Every generational curse of idolatry, wickedness, adultery, poverty, addiction, slavery, barrenness, rebellion, perversion, manipulation, sickness, decease and death, over my life and that of my descendants, I cancel now in Jesus’ Name!

I thank You Lord that by placing my faith and trust in You and not myself or anyone, or anything else, I can receive and believe You for Your blessings promised to me and my descendants right down to the thousandth generation, for which I shall extend my faith in Jesus’ Name. Amen.

10.2. Generational Spirits

Through the blood of Christ Jesus, I am seated above every power of the enemy, so I therefore take authority over every evil spirit transferred to me through the family bloodline, right back from the tenth generation of my ancestors. I cancel all access and ties to me of those spiritual forces and I bind and rebuke them NOW, in Jesus Name!

I take authority over every spiritual force of darkness that was transferred through the bloodline down to my descendants, and I bind and rebuke them and cancel their hold NOW, in Jesus Name!

I bind and rebuke from my life and the lives of my descendants every generational spirit of idolatry, wickedness, adultery, poverty, addiction, slavery, barrenness, rebellion, perversion, manipulation, sickness, decease and death, NOW, in Jesus’ Name!

I command the evil spirits expelled to never return to me or my descendants again, in Jesus Name!

All spiritual doorways to my life and to my descendants concerning generational spirits, I seal shut with the blood of Jesus.

10.3. Decree

In the name of Jesus Christ, I decree God’s blessings over my life.

I decree that I am blessed and not cursed. I have the favor of God upon my life and everything that I touch is blessed.

I decree that I am fruitful and productive in every way. God’s blessings pursue me and go before me to open doors and opportunities for success in every area of my life, and for the extension of the kingdom of God.

I decree that God’s peace, love, salvation, deliverance, favor, health, joy, prosperity and unity are upon my household.

I decree that I am healthy and wealthy and I live in the abundance and overflow of the blessings of God, having more than enough to bless and be generous on every occasion.

11.1. Dedicating Home

Heavenly Father, I come before Your throne in the name of Jesus, as I dedicate my home to You for Your glory, and ask that Your Holy Spirit come and dwell here with me and my family in our home. I thank You for this home you have provided for us to live in and find shelter, safety, rest, enjoyment and spiritual protection from the enemy. I ask You Lord to forgive me and my family for any wrongful activities of sin performed on these premises by us or that we have consented to and commit this home to You.

I draw the bloodline of Jesus all around our home and I ask You to set Your angels on guard around our premises to stop any attempt of the enemy to intrude.

I thank You, Lord, for doing this in Jesus’ Name. Amen.

11.2. Cleansing Home

By the power and authority in the name and blood of Jesus Christ, I cancel all ground given over to the Devil because of my participation in sinful activities on these premises. I also cancel every spell, curse and incantation conjured here and I cancel the power and weight of every blood sacrifice and occult practice connected to these premises, based on past occupants and rituals carried out on these premises. I command every evil spirit attached to these premises claiming rights to this property in the foundations, structures, furnishings and land, to leave in Jesus Name, and to never return. In Jesus’ Name, I command every spiritual force of darkness to leave these premises NOW!

11.3. Decree

In Jesus’ Name, I decree that the kingdom of darkness has no rights to these premises any longer.

I decree that this house is a lighthouse for the Kingdom of God and a safe place for me and my family.

I decree that this house is dedicated to God and protected by God.

12. Bedtime

Heavenly Father, I come before You in the precious name of Your Son. Lord, I thank You for protecting and providing for me today, and now I commit myself into Your hands as I lay down to sleep. Lord, I draw the bloodline of Jesus around my home and premises and thank you for Your protection as I sleep. Father I thank You for everything You have blessed me with, including my family and relatives, of whom I ask that You would protect and save every one of them from the eldest to the youngest. Father I reflect on today and choose to release anyone that has come against me in word, deed or attitude, and I commit them into Your hands as You are my Vindicator. Lord I also ask that You release Your angels to prepare the way for me to have opportunities to share Your love with others tomorrow.

Lord, I cover my mind under the blood of Jesus, and I ask that You protect my thoughts from every scheme of darkness to rob me of my time of renewal. Let Your word grow inside me during my time of rest. I ask You to speak to me in my dreams and to deposit Your plans in my thoughts and heart as I sleep, in the name of Jesus Christ I pray. Amen.

End Notes

Dear Reader,

I have poured out my heart in this story, with a deep desire to help you. I would love to hear from anyone that has given their heart to Jesus while reading this book.

If you have been blessed by this book or have any testimonies as a result of reading my story, please would you email me, as I would love to hear from you.

Please also direct ministry invitations to:

Email address: deborah@igniteint.com

My prayers are constantly with you.

God Bless You!

Deborah

Table of Contents

Dedication

Thanks

Foreword

Disclaimer

Introduction

Fragrance of a Crushed Flower

No Way Out!

My Early Days

My Rebellious Year

Abortion?/Jail?

Obsession

I must flee the Country

A Big Mistake!

Change of Destiny

The Final Straw

The Big Escape

My First Major Victory

The Knife Chase

Escaping Death

The Friendly Deception

My Knight in Shining Armor

Full Combat

Message from God

Road to Recovery

Guideline Prayers

End Notes