Sunday Snickers

350 HILARIOUS Cartoons for Bulletins, Newsletters, and Announcements

Dick Hafer

Copyright Information

First Printing: March 2004

Copyright © 1995, 1996, 2004 by New Leaf Press, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations in articles and reviews. For information write:

New Leaf Press, Inc., P.O. Box 726, Green Forest, AR 72638.

Cover by Bryan Miller

Interior by Josh Carlton

ISBN: 0-89221-565-8

Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 2003116017

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The Late Dick Hafer was a cartoonist whose work appeared in many secular and Christian publications, including Christianity Today and the Saturday Evening Post. His work has also been seen on "60 Minutes," "Donahue," and CNN. He was a recipient of the George Washington Medal from the Freedom Foundation, and also received numerous press association awards. He will long be remembered for his humourous good-natured cartoons and insightful wit.

FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD, MOSES!! FOR 40 YEARS YOU'VE HAD THE MAP UPSIDE DOWN?!!

NOW HERE'S THE PART YOU'LL LIKE...ON TEH SIXTH DAY, THE ANIMALS WERE CREATED!

IT WORKS!! I'LL NEVER LOSE SUPPLIES AGAIN!

THE FIRST THING YOU NEED TO REALIZE IS THAT, LIKE ALL CHURCHES, WE HAVE OUR OWN UNIQUE TRADITIONS.

IF ANYONE KNOWS ANY REASON WHY THESE TWO SHOULD NOT....

NO...NO...I UNDERSTAND....BUT LET'S SAY YOUR PARAKEET IS BETTER BY SATURDAY...THEN....

BOY, PASTOR WILSON, THIS IS A NEAT IDEA YOU HAD ABOUT AN ALL-NIGHT NEW YEAR'S EVE GAME AND PARTY NIGHT FOR THE TEENS! IT'S ALMOST 2:30...WHAT'LL WE DO NEXT, PASTOR WILSON? ...PASTOR WILSON?

IF I TOLD YOU ONCE, I TOLD YOU A THOUSAND TIMES, MOM..."MAKE SURE NOTHING ELSE IS PLANNED FOR THE CHURCH HALL DURING MY RECEPTION!"

REALLY? YOU'RE A MINISTER?!! BOY! THIS ALTITUDE IS DOING SOMETHING TO MY HEAD...I'M TALKING' FUNNY...USING WORDS I NEVER USE! ISN'T THAT WEIRD?! OH RATS! LOOK AT THIS...THE STEWARDESS LEFT A...WHAT DO YOU CALL IT? A MIXED DRINK ON MY TRAY!! AND I ASKED FOR MY OLD STANDBY - GINGER ALE...BOY-O-BOY!

IT FINALLY HAPPENED...73 JELLO SALADS...AND 1 PLATE OF CHICKEN!

THAT'S A VERY NICE IDEA, ROY, BUT I DON'T THINK WE CAN AFFORD TO ADVERTISE THE CHURCH BAZAAR ON THE "TONIGHT SHOW."

SOMEHOW I LIKED THE ELECTRONIC CHURCH BETTER BEFORE HOLOGRAMS.

AMERICA'S FIRST RADIO EVANGELIST.

YES, MRS. BAUMGARTNER...I DO ENJOY OUR COUNSELING SESSIONS, BUT ONCE IN A WHILE I DO NEED A DAY OFF TO RELAX.

MRS. HANSEN IS UPSET BECAUSE DURING YOUR SERMON YOU DIDN'T MENTION HER LIVER & NOODLE CASSEROLE FROM LAST SUNDAY'S POTLUCK DINNER.

HERE!!...I'VE ALWAYS HATED THIS OUTFIT ON YOU, DON!

I SAID NO STARCH IN THE ROBES!!

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT...YOU'RE BAKING ALL OF THIS NEAT STUFF FOR THE CHURCH BAKE SALE, TO RAISE MONEY FOR STARVING CHILDREN OVERSEAS...RIGHT? HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED ANY HUNGRY KIDS IN YOUR OWN KITCHEN?

BUT YOU SAID WE SHOULD BRING OUR BEST FRIEND TO SUNDAY SCHOOL!

THERE ARE PLENTY OF SEATS FARTHER UP FRONT.

I HOPE IT'S THE FIRST DAY OF STANDARD TIME...OTHERWISE WE MAY HAVE MISSED THE RAPTURE.

HI. I'M BERNIE, A VOLUNTEER WITH YOUR "MEALS ON WHEELS" TEAM. I'M AFRAID I DROPPED YOUR DINNER....SO I GOT YOU A SPICY BURRITO, HALF OF A PEPPER STEAK SUB, A COLA, AND A CHEWY NUT CANDY BAR.

SO, I FIGURED IT WAS KIND OF A WASTE GOING TO ALL OF THOSE "MOTHER-DAUGHTER" BANQUETS OVER THE YEARS....

JAPHETH! SHEM! MOVE THE HIPPOS AND ELEPHANTS TO THE FRONT!!

NOW THAT'S SINGING!!

JENKINTOWN BIBLE CHURCH'S PUPPET MINISTRY.

HELLO THERE. I'M MRS. HANSEN FROM THE HELPING-HAND COMMITTEE AT CHURCH. DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT A THING WITH YOUR POOR WIFE JUST HOME FROM AN OPERATION. I'VE BROUGHT YOU A GREAT BIG POT OF MY LIVER AND NOODLE CASSEROLE...ENOUGH FOR SEVERAL DELICIOUS MEALS! NO, DON'T THANK ME...YOUR ENJOYMENT IS THANKS ENOUGH!

THE NIGHT THE PASTORAL STAFF LEARNED THAT IT'S RISKY TO PLAY BIBLICAL TRIVIA WITH TWELVE-YEAR-OLD DIANE.

GOD LOVES A CHEERFUL GIVER.

THE FELLOWSHIP HALL PAINT-SELECTION COMMITTEE REACHES AN IMPASSE.

LET'S SEE...THIS NUMBER THREE FELLOW ON YOUR LIST, "SAUL OF TARSUS"...HE'S A ROMAN CITIZEN...HE HEADED THE GROUP THAT HUNTED DOWN AND KILLED MANY OF OUR FELLOW BELIEVERS...HE STONED FOLKS...SENT LOADS OF US TO PRISON. NATHAN, WE'VE HAD SOME LOUSY CALL COMMITTEE CHAIRMEN IN THE PAST, BUT YOU TAKE THE CAKE!!!

AND WE FURTHER DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE THAT TO "HERS" ON ALTERNATE SUNDAYS!

WE NEED COUNSELING, PASTOR. POOPSIE SAYS I'M TOO AGGRESSIVE WITH HER.

I'M NOT AN OLD FOGEY! I JUST KINDA LIKED THE TRADITIONAL LITURGY!

ED HERE IS OUR POTLUCK PRO.

BUT LET ME NOT BELABOR THE POINT.

HIGH-TECH CHURCH MEETING TIMESAVERS.

I THINK WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THE MEANING OF BAPTISM, GLENN.

YEAH. IT'S BEEN THIS WAY EVER SINCE HE WENT TO A JERRY FALWELL PREACHER'S CONFERENCE.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US THAT THE WOMEN'S RETREAT WAS AT A SCOUT CAMP!!!

IT'S BEEN SO NICE HAVING YOU FOR DINNER, VICAR STEVENS. I LOVE TO WATCH A HUNGRY YOUNG MAN EAT MY MEALS! LAND SAKES...YOU CLEANED UP EVERY PLATE OF MY LIVER AND NOODLE CASSEROLE THAT I DISHED OUT FOR YOU!

NO! NO! IT'S FOR A FRIEND!

MILDRED, WE KNOW YOU'VE PLAYED MARY IN THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT FOR 23 YEARS, AND WE DO APPRECIATE IT...BUT....

THERE'S BEEN AN ACCIDENT!!

THEREFORE, LET HE WHO IS WITHOUT SIN CAST THE FIRST STONE.

WHY THE CHURCH JANITOR DREADS "YOUTH GROUP TAFFY NIGHT."

GOOD MORNING! I'M PROFESSOR STEINBACH AND I'M A NEW MEMBER OF YOUR CLASS. I TEACH SYSTEMATIC THEOLOGY AND ESCHATOLOGY AT THE SEMINARY.

NOW, NOW, CHILDREN...WE MUSTN'T BOTHER MR. TAYLOR WHILE HE'S TUNING THE PIANO.

OF COURSE I'M GOING TO HEAVEN!! GRANDPAPA FOUNDED THIS CHURCH!

WE GOT PLENTY OF PANCAKES...BUT WHERE ARE ALL THE SAUSAGES?

I DUNNO...I'M INCLINED TO VOTE "NO" ON THIS MEMBERSHIP APPLICATION, BECAUSE HE DIDN'T GIVE A VERY CLEAR TESTIMONY; ON THE OTHER HAND, HE DOES HAVE A BEACH HOUSE AND A BOAT. ...

WALTER...I DON'T THINK THAT'S WHAT JIM KENNEDY MEANT BY "EVANGELISM EXPLOSION."

AND THE WINNER OF THE ATTENDANCE AWARD IS MORTON RANDEL, WHO HASN'T MISSED A SUNDAY SCHOOL CLASS SINCE 1973! HE WINS ONE OF MRS. HANSEN'S FAMOUS LIVER AND NOODLE CASSEROLE DINNERS, AT HER HOUSE.

HAW! HAW! YOU'RE GONNA NEED MORE THAN PRAYER ON THIS HOLE, PASTOR!

IF THAT DON'T BEAT ALL!! THREE POUNDS OF COOKIES AND A GALLON OF MILK GONE! WHAT ARE WE GONNA SERVE TO BEGINNER'S CLASS NOW? WHO WOULD DO THAT?!!

YOU'LL NEVER KNOW HOW MUCH IT WARMS MY HEART TO SEE YOU COME FORWARD!

I HELPED OUT! I WENT THROUGH MOM'S CUPBOARD AND BROUGHT OUR GREEN BEANS, SUCCOTASH, SAUERKRAUT, ASPARAGUS, BROCCOLI, AND SPINACH! THIS IS A GREAT IDEA!!

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!...YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE FUN IN CHURCH!!

YOU OUGHT TO GO TO THE CHURCH YOUTH GROUP, DEAR. YOU MIGHT MEET SOME NICE YOUNG MAN. HE MIGHT EVEN DATE YOU...YOU NEVER KNOW WHERE THAT MIGHT LEAD. IF HE COMES FROM A NICE FAMILY, YOU MIGHT EVEN GET ENGAGED...MAYBE EVEN MARRIED...AND HAVE KIDS...AND IF YOU THINK I'M GONNA SIT WITH ALL THOSE KIDS EVERY DAY, YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER THINK COMING, YOUNG LADY!

I FOUND ONE!! HE DOESN'T HAVE A "KING JAMES - 1611"!!

IT'S SHAMEFUL, PASTOR! YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT GOES ON BEHIND DEACON SIMPSON'S NEARLY CLOSED WINDOWS!...NOT TO MENTION WHAT THEY KEEP IN THEIR DRAWERS AND AT THE BACK OF THEIR CLOSET!! LAND SAKES ALIVE!

DON'T WORRY...OUR CHURCH VOTED 3 TO 1 THAT THIS DOESN'T EXIST.

SO, I WANT TO SAY I HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE HERE TONIGHT, EVEN THOUGH SOME BACKSLIDERS STAYED HOME TO WATCH THE SUPER BOWL.

ME WORK IN THE NURSERY?!! NO WAY! I GOT'EM ALL WEEK!

YEAH...HE'S GOT LOTS OF GUTS ALL RIGHT.

THE YOUTH PASTOR HAS HEARD THE RUMORS THAT HE LOOKS TOO YOUNG.

MR. WHARTON IS SO SPIRITUAL. HE EVEN COMES TO SUNDAY SCHOOL ON DAYS WE DON'T HAVE DOUGHNUTS!

NO!! MRS. HANSEN DONATED MORE OF HER LIVER & NOODLE CASSEROLE! HAVEN'T THOSE POOR FLOOD VICTIMS SUFFERED ENOUGH?!!

SORRY!...MARIE FORGOT TO RUN THE BULLETIN YESTERDAY!

YOU'RE RIGHT!...YOU'VE FINALLY CONVINCED ME!...OLD PASTOR SURRATT WAS BETTER THAN I AM!...HERE, GO DIG HIM UP!!

THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT THE NEW CROSS LOOKS REAL NICE ON TOP OF THE STEEPLE. THANKS, FRED.

WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT ENLARGING THE CHURCH!

OH, BE STILL MY HEART! JOY IS ME! I'VE GOT A RELIGIOUS TRACT FOR A TIP!

I DON'T THINK THEY GET MANY VISITORS.

IS THAT RIGHT, DEACON HARMON? FIRST DAY OF DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME? HOW ABOUT THAT?

CRAIG REALLY THROWS HIMSELF INTO HIS CHALK-TALKS!

I BET BILLY GRAHAM ATE HIS BROCCOLI FOR HIS MOTHER!

ER...AH...ASIDE FROM THAT, DO YOU AND YOUR WIFE HAVE ANY OTHER HOBBIES?

"PLEASE GO TO THE FIRST WINDOW FOR THE WAFER AND THE SECOND WINDOW FOR WINE OR GRAPE JUICE."

IT'LL NEVER FLY A FEW THOUSAND YEARS FROM NOW....HE DON'T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE CHARLTON HESTON!

NO, NO, MRS. HANSEN! YOU JUST RELAX AND I'LL GET YOUR DISH! ONCE AGAIN, YOUR LIVER & NOODLE CASSEROLE WAS THE HIT OF THE POTLUCK DINNER!

WE WERE CAMPING IN THE BACK YARD...BUT WE HEARD A NOISE.

HOW COME HE DIDN'T SHOW UP THE SUNDAY I WAS HERE TO SEE HIM? DADDY SAYS "MR. SANDMAN" ALWAYS VISITS THE CHURCH WHEN YOU PREACH!

"THIS IS PASTOR KENDALL. I'M OUT ON CALLS THIS EVENING. IF YOU WANT TO LEAVE A MESSAGE, GIVE YOUR NAME AND PHONE NUMBER AFTER THE BEEP." "BEEP!"

MAN!!...THAT WAS SOME SERMON!!

I DON'T WANT TO SOUND UNGRATEFUL, BUT WHEN THE SIMPSONS SAID THEY WERE GOING TO DONATE A SWIMMING POOL TO THE YOUTH GROUP, I THOUGHT....

BENNY!! IT'S ONLY A CHURCH PICNIC GAME!!

YEAH...PASTOR NIETING'S A MODEL RAILROAD BUFF.

I HEARD THAT, LADY!! THIS IS NOT THE WAY HELL WILL LOOK!!

IRENE FINDS IT DISCOURAGING TO WITNESS AT THE MALL.

IT'S HIS FIRST BOOK. TRY TO HUMOR HIM.

YEAH...THE BUILDING COMMITTEE NEVER COULD GET TOGETHER ON AN ARCHITECTURAL STYLE FOR THE NEW CHURCH.

WOW! THIS IS THE BEST MEAL WE'VE HAD IN THREE WEEKS, NOAH!!

WE'RE WATCHING FOR THE RAPTURE! WANNA JOIN US?

ISN'T BIBLE STUDY AT OUR HOUSE NEXT FIRDAY?!!

YEAH...BILL JONES IS A NATURAL-BORN SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER!

FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD!! THE ENTIRE CHURCH FREEZER IS STUFFED WITH MRS. HANSEN'S LIVER & NOODLE CASSEROLE!!

WHAT'S THE MATTER, JONAH? YOU ALWAYS LOVED FISH!

YOU'VE JUST GO TO COME OVER AND VISIT WITH US. MY, YOU'RE A FINE YOUNG YOUTH PASTOR! YOU'VE GOT TO MEET MY BEAUTIFUL, SPIRITUAL, INTELLIGENT, SINGLE DAUGHTER, JENNIFER!

MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE APPLIED FOR A LESS DANGEROUS MISSION STATION...RATHER THAN HERE IN NEWARK!

IS THIS THE "LOW-BID" OUR BUILDING COMMITTEE ACCEPTED?

I'LL GO VISIT THE SICK TOMORROW! I'M BUSY EVANGELIZING ON THE INTERNET!

SOMEHOW A "LIVING CHRISTMAS TREE" WORKS BETTER IN A BIG CHURCH.

WHEN DONNA REALIZED IT ISN'T ALWAYS A GOOD IDEA TO TIE YOUR PRIMARY SUNDAY SCHOOL STUDENTS TOGETHER WHILE ON A FIELD TRIP.

WELL...HELLO THERE, PASTOR...THAT SURE WAS A FUNNY DENTIST JOKE IN YOUR SERMON LAST SUNDAY.

ENJOY THAT LATE MOVIE ON TV LAST NIGHT, "MR. HOT SHOT TEACHER"?

THE MORNING THE UNEXPECTED GUEST PREACHER ARRIVED.

I WON'T BE TALKIN' TOO MUCH IN CLASS TODAY, MR. JENKINS....I'VE GOT THE FLU.

OH NO YOU DON'T! OUR CHRISTMAS CAROLING TEAM IS GOING TO DEAR, SWEET OLD WIDOW EVANS'....WHO GIVES OUT GREAT BROWNIES AND HOT CHOCOLATE!

SHE'S BEEN LIKE THAT EVER SINCE THE NEW, CUTE, SINGLE YOUTH MINISTER ARRIVED.

REALLY?!!...YOU'VE BEEN A MEMBER HERE FOR SIX YEARS?...HOW ABOUT THAT?

IT DOESN'T SAY WHAT TIME THE SERVICES ARE.

WHERE DID THAT FIFTY GO THAT WAS IN HERE?...WAIT! OH, NO!!

A PARTICULARLY BAD EASTER SUNDAY MORNING IN THE CHOIR REHEARSAL ROOM.

HERE, MISS...YOU'RE NEW HERE, AREN'T YOU?

I'VE COME FOR CONFESSION. DO YOU HAVE A FEW HOURS?

OOH!...HE LOOKS...JUST LIKE HIS DADDY!

IF WE WARNED HIM ONCE, WE WARNED HIM A THOUSAND TIMES...30 MINUTES, TOPS

IT SHOULD BE EASY FOR YOU TO FIND...I LIVE IN A BIG WHITE HOUSE WITH A BIG DOOR AND WINDOWS....

WHOA!! FINISHED JUST IN TIME!

THAT'S "B-O-H-R-I-N-G," YOU IDIOT!!

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF A RECORD BY DOUG OLDHAM OR GEORGE BEVERLY SHEA? ARE THEY NEW GROUPS?

GOOD AFTERNOON, I AM THE EVANGELTRON 3000, FROM WHITLEY MEMORIAL AME CHURCH...PLEASE TAKE THIS MATERIAL....IF YOU WOULD LIKE MORE INFORMATION, PLEASE PUSH THE TOP LEFT BUTTON....

TRUST ME...IF YOU'D LISTEN TO THEIR RECORD BACKWARDS THEY SAY HORRIBLE THINGS!

THIS OUGHT TO GIVE A BIG BOOST TO OUR EVANGELISM PROGRAM, BROTHER EDWIN. WE'RE THE FIRST CHURCH IN PLYMOUTH TO HAVE A BRAND NEW, STATE-OF-THE-ART SOUND SYSTEM.

WHEN YOU GUYS GET THE AIR CONDITIONER FIXED...THAT'S WHEN!

DO YOU SUPPOSE IT COULD BE A SIGN?

IT'S GOING PRETTY GOOD TODAY, PASTOR. WE'VE SOLD 1 OF YOUR "BEARING THE BURDEN" TAPES, 3 OF "THE CHRISTIAN'S RESPONSIBILITES," AND 76 OF "HOW TO GET EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED, RIGHT NOW, THROUGH PRAYER."

OH..."PRAYING HANDS"...HOW NICE.

HERE YOU ARE, MY GOOD MAN...A TRACT AND A FOLDER ABOUT OUR CHURCH. WE HAVE ALL KINDS OF MINISTRIES...EVEN A DIET GROUP THAT MAY HELP YOU WITH THAT EXTRA WEIGHT.

ALL I SAID WAS THAT GOD IS KIND OF LIKE THEIR EARTHLY FATHER.

BUT EVERYONE IS GONNA GET SOME CRITICISM ONCE IN A WHILE! NOW FOR PETE'S SAKE, COME ON OUT FROM BEHIND THERE, PASTOR!!

HERBERT! CAN'T YOU GIVE YOUR DAUGHTER A MEASLY FIVE OR SIX HOURS OF YOUR TIME?!!

GUESS WHAT!! WHILE I WAS WAITING IN THE CAR FOR YOU AFTER CHURCH, A NICE MAN IN THE PARKING LOT GAVE ME SEVEN GREAT LITTLE PUPPIES!!

SOMETIMES I REMEMBER THE NICE DAYS BEFORE WE WERE A MEGACHURCH.

THE EARLY CHURCH IN AMERICA.

SO I FIGURE IF WE ALL SLIP INTO THE VOTER'S MEETING QUIETLY, WE CAN TAKE OVER THIS PLACE!

SO THEN WE ALL AGREE THAT OUR MAJOR SPIRITUAL GOAL FOR THE YEAR IS TO PAVE THE PARKING LOT?

DO YOU HAVE CHANGE FOR A ONE?

BUT IT WORKED FOR MARTIN LUTHER....

PASTOR FOWLER!!?

PASTOR, SHOULDN'T WE DO SOMETHING SPIRITUAL ON OUR CAMPING TRIP? EVERYONE COULD COME INTO MY TENT FOR AN ALL-NIGHT PRAYER MEETING....PLEASE?

A PICTORIAL CHURCH DIRECTORY IS A NICE IDEA, I AGREE...BUT HE'S BEEN WORKING ON IT FOR ELEVEN YEARS!

A CHILD IS SITTING IN GRANDMOTHER'S MEMORIAL PEW! GO REMOVE HIM!

WAIT A MINUTE....

I FEEL THAT YOUR MATERIAL DIFFICULTIES MIGHT BE RESOLVED IF YOU USED A LITTLE MORE TACT, BIGMOUTH!

"I SEE...YES...I AGREE...YOU'RE RIGHT, AS USUALL...MMMM...OH, YES...THAT THRILLS MY HEART...RIGHT...UH HUH...WHATEVER YOU SAY....

BOY! HE'S REALLY HAD IT TOUGH! SOMEBODY OUGHT TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT HIS PROBLEMS!

SO, IT'S WITH A HEAVY HEART THAT I LEAVE MY FLOCK BEHIND FOR A VACATION.

I FEEL MY SPIRITUALITY SLIPPING A LITTLE. WANT TO GO OUT TONIGHT AND WITNESS TO ME?

"SELL WHAT YOU HAVE!"..."GIVE THE MONEY TO THE POOR!"...BOY, HE'S GOT A LOT TO LEARN ABOUT STARTING A RELIGION!!

ANOTHER ONE! IF THIS KEEPS UP, THE CAPERNAUM HOSPITAL-DRIVE IS DOWN THE TUBES!

YEAH, PASTOR, WE'VE BEEN CHURCH SHOPPING FOR SOME TIME - BUT THIS POTLUCK SUPPER PUTS YOU WAY OUT IN FRONT!

NO - NORMALLY WE ENCOURAGE BROWSING, BUT....

LOOK! KEN AND MARSHA ARE BRINGING THEIR QUINTUPLETS TO CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME!

HAVE A NICE CONGREGATIONAL BUSINESS MEETING, DEAR.

FIRST PRESBYTERIAN EVANGELISM TEAM PRACTICE.

GOOD MORNING. AH...PASTOR IS AWAY TODAY...WELL, NOT REALLY AWAY...HE'S OUT OF TOWN...ACTUALLY, I GUESS THAT IS AWAY...HE'LL BE BACK ON TUESDAY, OR SOME TIME...I GUESS...AH...HE ASKED ME TO DELIVER THE MESSAGE THIS MORNING...AH...I HOPE YOU LIKE IT...I'M SURE IT WILL THRILL YOUR HEART...I'M CERTAINLY...AH...EXCITED BY IT...

WHICH CLASS HAS THE MOST PRETTY GIRLS?...IN A SPIRITUAL SENSE, OF COURSE!

WELCOME TO THE CHURCH AT GLEN OAK WOODS. SUNDAY GATHERING BEGINS IN 15 MINUTES. YOU MIGHT ENJOY "PROSPERITY - RIGHT NOW!" IN ROOM 26, OR "SPIRITUAL THEMES DELVED FROM NINJA FILMS" IN THE PARLOR, OR "SING ALONG WITH RENALDO" IN THE CLUB ROOM.

I'M SURE WE ALL WANT TO THANK MY WIFE FOR ANOTHER LOVELY SOLO.

HELLO UP THERE, PASTOR!...I FOUND THE PROBLEM!...THE ROPE WAS CAUGHT!...I FIXED IT!!

REALLY, GUYS...I'M SORRY, BUT AFTER A COUPLE OF MONTHS IN THIS GROUP, I'VE JUST DEVELOPED TOO MUCH SELF-ESTEEM TO BE SEEN MEETING WITH MESSED-UP FOLKS LIKE YOU.

WELL, WE WILL CONSIDER YOU, PASTOR OSGOOD...BUT WE HAD PLANNED ON SOMEONE MORE...ER..."CONVENTIONAL."

THE NEW YOU MINISTER IS TRYING HARD TO BE "ONE OF THE GANG."

MOMMY!...WHERE'S RUDOLPH?...AND FROSTY?...AND DONNER AND BLITZEN? WHEN KIND OF CHRISTMAS IS THIS?

FIRST BAPTIST HAD 1,786 IN SUNDAY SCHOOL LAST WEEK.

BECAUSE WE DON'T THINK BILLY GRAHAM WOULD ACCEPT A CALL TO POSSUM CORNERS BAPTIST CHURCH!...THAT'S WHY!! NOW SHUT UP, HAZEL!

SO WE YOUTH GROUP LEADERS HAVE DECIDED THAT YOU CANNOT HOLD HANDS ON CHURCH PROPERTY, THAT BOYS AND GIRLS CAN'T PHONE EACH OTHER, ALL CONVERSATIONS MUST BE ABOUT SPIRITUAL MATTERS, AND DATING IS DISCOURAGED. AFTER ALL, WE YOUNG GIRLS CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL!

MRS. BLOOMHAGEN DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE CAN'T SAVE A FEW SEATS FOR THE CANTATA.

THIS YEAR THE CHURCH HIRED AN OUTSIDE TEAM TO HANDLE THE ANNUAL STEWARDSHIP DRIVE.

MOM!!

I'M SURE IT WOULD MAKE YOUR LIFE EASIER...BUT I SIMPLY CAN'T PREACH THAT KIDS WHO EAT THEIR BEETS ARE GUARANTEED TO GO TO HEAVEN!

DOES THIS MEAN YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED IN VISITING OUR CHURCH?

BUT WE THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE IT. THE YOUTH PASTOR'S CAR OUGHT TO REFLECT A SORT OF HIP SPIRITUALITY.

WAIT A MINUTE! HOW DID THIS GET IN HERE? IT WAS PUBLISHED AFTER 1915!

OK!!...WHO'S BEEN FOOLIN' WITH THE VCR?!!

WAIT A MINUTE!! WHO GAVE THE DRIVER HIS INSTRUCTIONS?!!

NO!! I SAID, "THROW THOSE OLD TILES AWAY"!!

HELLO, I'M LAMAR W. LUNDY...I'M A VOLUNTEER WITH THE PRISON MINISTRY...I'M HERE TO WITNESS TO YOU FELLOWS...I'M KIND OF NEW...I'M GOING TO BE SICK....

HERE YOU ARE, MARSHA DEAR. IT'S SO WONDERFUL TO BE ABLE TO HELP THE LESS FORTUNATE IN A CONCRETE WAY. I'VE BROUGHT THREE SCRUMPTIONS BALL GOWNS, SEVERAL SHEER NEGLIGEES, A FORMAL PANTSUIT, SOME HIGH-HEELED GUCCI SHOES....

I'D LIKE TO THANK THE CONGREGATION FOR THEIR CONCERN WHILE MY WIFE'S BEEN OUT OF TOWN WITH HER SICK MOTHER.

OH DEAR...I'M AFRAID MY GUIDE DOG LICKED SOMEONE'S FOOT AGAIN.

I'LL VOLUNTEER TO EVANGELIZE THE FOOTBALL TEAM!!

WE'RE NOT PAYNG YOU ENOUGH, PASTOR WILLIAMSON?

BERNIE, I WENT ALONG WITH THE "BLESSING OF THE PETS" SERVICE...BUT THE "BLESSINGS OF THE PERSONAL COMPUTERS" IS JUST GOING TOO FAR!

SARAH REACHED HER TOLERANCE LIMIT WHEN DOROTHY INVOKED "ROBERTS RULES OF ORDER" FOR THE 27TH TIME AT THE LADIES' GUILD MEETING.

RIVERDALE METHODIST'S FIRST ATTEMPT AT A "SMALL GROUP" MINISTRY.

OH, ISN'T THAT CUTE, PASTOR?! REX USUALLY TAKES QUITE A WHILE TO WARM UP TO VISITORS!

"DONATION" OR NOT...IT MUST MATCH THE OTHERS!

YOU CAN'T EVER REALLY UNWIND, CAN YOU, HERMAN?

OOPS!...SILLY ME!...WRONG SPEED!

ER...THAT'S REAL NICE, ROY...BUT WHEN I SAID THE CHURCH NEEDED MORE RESTROOMS....

SEE...THE CHURCH BUDGET WON'T ALLOW FOR NEW ROBES. FOR A FEW MONTHS YOU CAN USE OUR PREVIOUS PASTOR'S ROBES.

YOU'RE JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER!!...OH...SCRATCH THAT LAST REMARK.

NOW I KNOW WHY THEY'RE CALLED CHURCH "BORED" MEETINGS!

138 CABLE CHANNELS...AND THE ONLY RELIGIOUS PROGRAMMING IS ON FROM 3 TO 4:30 A.M.!

AFTER 14 MONTHS OF PREPARATION, THE MISSIONARY FINALLY MAKES IT INTO THE DEEPEST JUNGLE VILLAGE, WHERE CIVILIZED MAN HAS NEVER BEEN ENCOUNTERED.

THE USHERS WILL NOW COME FORWARD TO TAKE UP A SPECIAL EMERGENCY COLLECTION, TO HELP PAY OUR PAST-DUE ELECTRIC BILL.

THEY SENT US THIS NEW TRANSLATION OF THE BIBLE. THE "SCHOLARS" HAVE CUT OUT ALL OF THE PARTS THEY DECLARED UNTRUE.

THERE! WE'RE DONE! I TOLD YOU THAT PHILIPPIANS WOULDN'T TAKE TOO LONG.

"...AND NOW, WITH AN OPPOSING VIEW..."

THAT OUGHTA DO IT! THERE'S NO WAY THEY'LL KNOW IT'S A CHURCH!

DR. WARFIELD FOUND THAT THE MORE SERIOUSLY HE TOOK "POLITICAL CORRECTNESS," THE LESS HE HAD TO WORK WITH.

WE'VE MET SEVERAL TIMES NOW, MR. HALLON, SO TONIGHT I'VE BROUGHT DEACON MONGO ALONG TO HELP YOU SEE THE LIGHT.

I THINK IT'S NICE THAT SINCE HE RETIRED, ANDY'S BEEN A VOLUNTEER HANDYMAN AT THE CHURCH!

THE TALL MEN ON THE BUILDING COMMITTEE NEVER CONSULTED THE WOMEN WHEN PLANNING THE NEW KITCHEN.

THERE ARE SOME DOWNSIDES TO CHURCH FAMILY CAMPING.

SO NEVER GET INVOLVED IN A PRE-MARITAL INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP! IT COULD LEAD TO...DANCING!

I'M AFRAID I'M GONNA GET THE FIRING SQUAD!

NO...IT DISTINCTLY SAYS "FIG."

YOU KNOW HOW YOU KEEP TEACHING ABOUT "DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO UNTO YOU"? WELL, WOULD YOU GIVE YOURSELF A REPORT CARD LIKE THIS?

THE CONGREGATION'S IDEA OF THE PERFECT PARSONAGE.

NO, I'M SORRY. PASTOR IS OUT ON CALLS.

ISN'T IT NICE THAT THE PARSONAGE HERE AT OUR NEW CHURCH HAS SO MANY OF OUR FELLOW CHURCH MEMBERS AS NEIGHBORS?

THERE! LISTEN TO THAT FALWELL GUY! I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU KIDS GET THAT #!?#!&%! LANGUAGE YOU USE!!

I FIXED THAT LIGHT SWITCH, PASTOR. I LOVE HELPING OUT HERE AT CHURCH SINCE I RETIRED!

SO THANKS FOR COMING TONIGHT. MY BOOKS, RECORDS, AND TAPES ARE AVAILABLE AT THE BACK OF THE CHURCH. IN ADDITION, WE ARE OFFERING MY WIFE'S "VINEYARD" BRANDS JAMS, JELLIES, AND RELISHES!

PASTOR, I'M SO PROUD THAT GRANDMA'S PRICELESS ANTIQUE DESK WILL BE A PERMANENT PART OF THE CHURCH DECOR!

...AND THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST HOLY RELICS IN ALL CHRISTENDOM....THIS IS ST. PAUL'S ACTUAL SAFETY RAZOR!

HIS PARENTS NEVER RETURNED FOR HIM.

I'M OPPOSED TO A SCOUT TROOP USING OUR CHURCH BUILDING FOR ITS MEETINGS! WHY, SOME OF THEM DON'T EVEN COME FROM A CHRISTIAN HOME! DO WE REALLY WANT UNSAVED URCHINS IN OUR CHURCH?!

AHA! A GUM WRAPPER!! PROOF POSITIVE THAT KIDS HAVE NO PLACE IN CHURCH!!

I KNOW...BUT THE WILL STATED THAT THE ONLY THING THE MONEY COULD BE USED FOR WAS A 25-FOOT, CIRCULAR STAINED GLASS WINDOW.

THE FAUCET BLEW OFF! HERE...HURRY UP! DAM UP THE FLOOD WITH DISH TOWELS!! C'MON! DAM IT! DAM IT!!

BUT I'M NOT A SINNER! I'VE NEVER BOUGHT A REAL FUR COAT OR POLLUTED A STREAM!

HERE YOU ARE, LADIES! HOW DOES IT FEEL TO HAVE US HUSBANDS WAIT ON YOU FOR THE MOTHER'S DAY BANQUET?!!

PASTOR CARTWRIGHT IS A MASTER OF THE ALTAR CALL.

IT ALL STARTED WITH WHETHER 1 CORINTHIANS 13:13 SHOULD BE TRANSLATED AS "CHARITY" OR "LOVE" AND WENT DOWNHILL FROM THERE.

YEAH, IT IS IMPRESSIVE...BUT WE'RE A BAPTIST CHURCH!

HI, MR. GERWIG. I'M BERNIE, FROM THE CHURCH "HELPING HAND COMMITTEE." THEY ASKED ME TO TAKE THIS MORNING'S ALTAR FLOWERS TO A SHUT-IN...AND I THOUGHT OF YOU.

BERNIE IS SENT TO PICK UP PIZZA FOR THE YOUTH GROUP.

THE TROUBLE WITH BEING THE FIRST GUY ON EARTH, IS NOT HAVING ANYONE ELSE TO BLAME.

THIS DRIVER MUST BE THE SUNDAY SCHOOL'S PLAN FOR GETTING US TO PRAY MORE OFTEN!

I NEED A NEW DRESS, ADAM. WHAT'S A "DRESS"?

IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN BETTER TO LEAVE YOUR MOTHER AT HOME.

BILLY KIDWELL'S PRACTICAL JOKES HIT A NEW LOW WHEN THE NEW PULPIT ARRIVED.

WE'RE GOING BROKE WITH GLASS CLEANER BILLS!!

MR. TORKLESON HASN'T MISSED A DAY OF TEACHING THE SENIOR SUNDAY SCHOOL CLASS IN OVER 32 YEARS.

IT WAS PROBABLY A MISTAKE TO HAVE THE "BLESSING OF THE PETS" AND THE LIGHTING OF THE CHRISTMAS TREE AT THE SAME SERVICE.

SO, WE'D LIKE TO THANK BROTHER HENDERSON FOR DONATING THIS BEAUTIFUL NEW PLEXIGLASS PULPIT.

I'M GONNA WIN THAT "BRING YOUR FRIENDS TO SUNDAY SCHOOL" CONTEST PRIZE THIS YEAR!

CAN WE PLEASE GET SOME VOLUNTEERS TO DO A LITTLE YARD WORK DURING THE JANITOR'S ABSENCE?

ONE OF THE MEMBERS OF THE WOMEN'S QUARTET WAS SICK THAT SUNDAY MORNING.

I WONDER WHY OUR CHURCH ISN'T GROWING?

IT'S THE LATEST CONCEPT..."SKY BOXES" FOR THE BIGGEST CONTRIBUTORS.

YES, I'M SO PROUD. TWO YEARS AGO OUR PRISON MINISTRY FOLKS TOOK SOME OF MY LIVER & NOODLES TO THE JAIL. NOW, THE WARDEN HAS ME DO A LOT OF COOKING FOR THE PRISONERS! HE SAYS THAT REPEAT OFFENDERS ARE DOWN 37%...AND HE GIVES ME ME ALL OF THE CREDIT!

MRS. HANSEN!! YOU KNOW THE HOSPITAL RULES! YOU'RE WELCOME...BUT YOUR FOOD STAYS OUT!!

DADDY!! I THINK I HEAR A POLICE CAR SIREN! HIDE THE MANGER SCENE, QUICK!

NO...YOU ASK THEM WHAT CHURCH THEY'RE FROM.

LINDA!! HELP!! WE'RE SUPER-GLUED TOGETHER!!

TIMMY...WE'VE GOT TO TALK.

WELL, IT'S NICE TO SEE THAT CALVIN FINALLY GOT TO CHURCH ON A DAY OTHER THAN CHRISTMAS OR EASTER.

ADAM...YOU WANT THAT FOR DINNER?!! OKAY...BUT I'LL HAVE BERRIES.

THE CHOIR DIRECTOR HAD SOME WEIRD IDEAS BEFORE...BUT THIS EASTER CANTATA IS THE PITS!

PASTOR...I DON'T FEEL THAT YOU'RE TALKING OUR PROBLEM SERIOUSLY.

PASTOR...WE'VE GOT TO GET AIR CONDITIONING FOR THE CHURCH!!

LAND SAKES, PASTOR! MY SON AND HIS FAMILY HAVE BEEN VISITING FOR TWO WEEKS AND THEY'RE TREATING ME LIKE A QUEEN! THEY WON'T LET ME LIFT A FINGER...WOULD YOU BELIEVE WE'VE EATEN EVERY SINGLE MEAL AT RESTAURANTS?!!

THIS IS WONDERFUL, PASTOR! NOW THAT THE CHURCH PROVIDED YOU WITH A PORTABLE CELLULAR TELEPHONE, WE'LL NEVER BE OUT OF TOUCH WITH YOU!

MODERN EVANGELISM PACKAGED PROGRAMS TO "GROW YOUR CHURCH."

YOU'RE FOREVER COMING BACK HERE AND BEGGING FOR YUOR MISSION! NEXT YOU'LL BE BELLYACHING 'CAUSE YOU HAVE NO FOOD! WHERE'S YOUR FAITH, MAN?!!

THE CHURCH COUNCIL THOUGHT THIS WOULD BOOST CONTRIBUTIONS.

THAT WAS A GOOD SUNDAY SCHOOL LESSON! I'LL GIVE UP BROCCOLI AND SPINACH FOR LENT!

BUT, WE ARE THE "WHOLE CONGREGATION"!

WHEN THE AMISH GO BAD.

OOPS!

SO, IF ANYONE HERE KNOWS ANY REASON WHY THESE TWO SHOULD NOT BE....

IT CERTAINLY IS NICE TO SEE OUR NEW PASTOR AND HIS FAMILY MOVING IN. HMM...YOU DO LIKE FINE QUALITY FURNITURE, DON'T YOU? YOU REALLY SHOULD KEEP THIS JEWELRY IN A SAFER PLACE. WE LADIES OF THE CHURCH WILL BE GLAD TO HELP YOU ARRANGE THINGS.

THIS IS THE FIRST WEDDING YOU'VE CATERED, I PRESUME?

NO...TRY TO UNDERSTAND. I HAVE A BURDEN FOR RICH PEOPLE! THEY NEED SALVATION, TOO. HOW ABOUT MALIBU?...OR THE VIRGINIA HUNT COUNTRY?...OR....

HARRY...COME TO BED, DEAR. I'M SURE IF THE RAPTURE OCCURS OVERNIGHT, YOU'LL WAKE UP FOR IT.

HI! I'M FROM RIVERDALE CHURCH, AND I'M HERE TO...OH, OH.

SOMETHING'S GOT TO BE DONE ABOUT THE TRASH ON CABLE TV! EVERY WEEK I'M SUBJECTED TO HOUR AFTER HOUR OF TERRIBLE FILTH!

HURRY UP! GO GET SOME MORE GOODIES! WE MAY RAISE ALL OF THE MONEY WE NEED FOR THE NEW CHURCH KITCHEN, IN THE NEXT FEW MINUTES!!

THAT'S A HEART-WRENCHING STORY! HERE, TAKE THIS TRACT...IT'LL SOLVE ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS.

OH, OH!

I KNOW THAT IT'S A LITTLE EARLY FOR OUR COUNSELING SESSION, PASTOR...BUT THERE ARE SOME THINGS I NEED TO TELL YOU ABOUT.

THE MISSIONARY'S FIRST U.S. FURLOUGH IN 14 YEARS.

THE NIGHT THE CAKE DELIVERY MAN MADE A SERIOUS MISTAKE.

THE NIGHT THE CAKE DELIVERY MAN MADE A SERIOUS MISTAKE.

BOY! OUR BUS MINISTRY IS REALLY WORKING!!

THANKS! YOUR GROUP HAS FINALLY SOLVED MY GAMBLING PROBLEM!...I BET YOU 100 BUCKS I NEVER HAVE TO COME BACK!

YOU CAN BET YOUR LIFE THAT NEXT YEAR WE'LL TAKE A LOT CLOSER LOOK AT THE SHOW BOOTH LAYOUT!!

I AM NOT AN "OLD MAN"! I'M ONLY 17 YEARS OLD!!

THE FIRST YOUTH GROUP HAYRIDE

YES, ONE OF MY PROUDEST ACCOMPLISHMENTS IS MY CONSISTENCY. I'M STILL DOING EVERYTHING THE EXACT SAME WAY I DID ON MY FIRST DAY HERE!

OUR THEOLOGY? WELL...WE BELIEVE IN GOD AND STUFF LIKE THAT. LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE GREAT INTEREST GROUPS WE HAVE FOR EVERYONE!

I THINK I JUST DISCOVERED WHY WE HAVEN'T SEEN MR. KELCHER IN CHURCH FOR THE PAST COUPLE OF YEARS.

IT'S OUR WAY OF MAKING SURE THAT YOU'RE GREETED PROPERLY.

SO THEN, FATHER MURPHY, I COULDN'T CONTROL MYSELF, SO I....

THE RABBIT DIED?! BUT I'M 90 YEARS OLD!!

WELL!! I MUST SAY, THAT WAS CERTAINLY AN UNUSUAL BLESSING!

...AND THEN, ON THE 38TH DAY OF OUR HOLY LAND TRIP....

YEAH...WE DID USE THE LOW BIDDER FOR OUR NEW STEEPLE. WHY DO YOU ASK?

ONE THING FOR SURE...ONCE THE WATER RECEDES, WE'RE NOT GOING TO HAVE ANY SHORTAGE OF FERTILIZER FOR THE NEW CROPS!

MMMM!! LIVER 'N' NOODLES!! MY FAVORITE! MY DEAR, LATE WIFE USED TO MAKE THIS FOR ME ONCE A WEEK!

YOU'VE BEEN A BAD BOY AGAIN, MR. DEAVERS. LET'S GO BACK TO THE HOME. HOW DID YOU PICK THE LOCK THIS TIME?

NO...I'M SORRY...YOU'RE IN THE "SMOKING SECTION."

THE EARLY CHURCH IN AMERICA.

0-62...OOPS! WRONG GROUP....

THIS IS GETTING OUTTA HAND!

THE GENEROUS DONATION OF A NEW PASTOR'S AUTOMOBILE, BY MR. WILSON, DID HAVE ITS DOWNSIDE.

THE NEXT ORDER OF BUSINESS IS TO ARRANGE FOR A NEW CHURCH VEHICLE FOR THE YOUTH PASTOR.

I KNOW YOU HAVEN'T MISSED CHURCH IN 26 YEARS, WENDELL...BUT THIS SNOWSTORM IS TERRIBLE!!

IN RETROSPECT...IT MAY HAVE BEEN BETTER TO HOLD THE MORTGAGE-BURNING SERVICE OUTSIDE.

SO, THIS RIDICULOUS IDEA OF A "RAPTURE" IS JUST ANOTHER BIBLICAL MYTH, WHICH...WHERE'D EVERYBODY GO?!!

FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD, CYNTHIA!! WE'RE LATE FOR CHURCH! GET BACK IN - I'LL BUY YOU SOME APPLES!!

GET ME THE PASTORAL CALL COMMITTEE!!