Husband Rules

A Guy’s Playbook on How to Win in Marriage

E’yen A. Gardner

Husband Rules Kindle Edition

Copyright © 2013 by E’yen A. Gardner

Printed Word Publishing

PO BOX 360812

Columbus, Ohio 43236

www.EyenGardner.com

Printed in the United States of America

All rights reserved.  No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without written permission of the author.

Book Editing:              Maia R. Gardner, Senior Editor

Cover Design:              Maia R. Gardner

I dedicate this book to my to my wife, Maia. Thank you for loving me,

I love you dearly.

Books by E’yen A. Gardner:

Humbly Submitting to Change

Break Free

Chosen One

In the Morning

Seventh Day

Extreme Makeover

Poetic License

Contents

I Do

No Contracts, No Law

Loving Beyond Attraction

Share the Rope

Working the Position

Reveal Yourself

#1: Listen

#2: Listen, Again

#3: Learn

#4: Comfort

#5: Protect

#6: Encourage

#7: Lead by Following

#8: Forgive

#9: Be Honest

#10: Be Open-Minded

#11: Do the Dishes

#12: Give Her a Break

#13: Be Patient

#14: Be Strong

#15: Listen

“I DO”

Who knew two words could mean so much?  Husbands, I wrote this book for you.  I am going to share with you what I wish someone would have shared with me when I got married.

The time invested in marriage is precious but time is not enough to make two individuals agree as one.  The investment must come from the most precious seed you possess: love.

If there is no love, there is no need to waste each other’s time.  Love is what fuses two completely different elements together and causes them to wonder how they ever existed without each other.  Love keeps them together when they want to go in different directions.  For men, we love differently than women.  We think differently and we act differently, but just because we are different does not mean we can’t agree as one.  Two working together as one is better than one.  The perspective of both the husband and wife carries so much importance and can create a wealth of love that flows through the entire family.

No contracts, no law

First things first, you have to build your relationship upon love not marital obligations.  Your relationship is more than a marriage contract.  We don’t need agreements or contracts that sustain marriage as long as both husband and wife do “as stated.”  It is better to remain single than to live bound by the laws of a marriage agreement.  There is no love in law, only judgment.

It is sad to see people get divorced because they based their relationship on law.  They could not see beyond their contract and when adversity came; their love was conditioned to work based only on the bylaws of the contract.  When a breach occurred, the contract became void and love immediately left the relationship.

Regardless of where you are in your marriage, there is hope for you.  Love repairs all breaches, leaves no voids and forgives all offenses.  You can lead your marriage to a place where you want it to be.  It is going to take you to completely believe in your marriage.  Your faith has to outweigh your fears and doubts.

Loving beyond attraction

Love must be greater than your marriage.  Meaning, you cannot fully love your wife if you do not fully love yourself.  Putting love first, even above the laws of marriage, will allow you to see past the small, insignificant details and focus on the relationship you truly desire.

We are a society that lives by attraction.  We love those that we are attracted to and separate from those that we are at odds with.  A wife carries both traits.  During your courtship, you were attracted to her and felt like she was the best person in the world.  You thought she could do no wrong. Even when there was an argument, you couldn’t stay mad at her.  There may have even been times that you tried to pull away but the attraction was too strong, so you made a commitment to be with her forever.  You began to invest your money, your time and your heart into the relationship, believing that nothing in this world could make you feel better than her.

However, as time passed – it may have been weeks, months, or even years – the person you were attracted to became less and less attractive.  Now, you are seeing things that turn you off.  The arguments escalate in number and intensity, and you say things to her that you later regret.  You don’t know what has changed but it no longer feels like love.  You used to hate leaving each other but now you can’t wait to get away from her. Whether it is work, friends or sports, you do whatever you can to avoid hearing her comment on everything you are doing wrong.

Sadly, this is the reality of many marriages that are based solely on attraction.  I have met men who invest more money into women at the strip club than their wives at home because they are still living by attraction.  Attraction is not just about looks. You could be attracted to your friends because you love the same sports team or share political views. Attraction means being drawn or driven by a desire.

For example, you may want to make love with your wife but your wife wants to sleep.  You both want different things and are drawn by different things.  Neither is wrong.  You can find ways to agree but the key is, your heart has to be in it.  I am not talking about lusting for anything but your willingness to love, even when you don’t get what you want.

Most men don’t realize that when you put your heart into your relationship, you won’t have to work so hard to get what you want.  Your wife is not your enemy; you don’t have to fight for control.  She can’t take your place and you can’t take hers.  You work together by filling the role that works best for your relationship.

If your wife is gifted in something that you are not, your pride can keep you from realizing the blessing that she is.  It is not good when an enemy has a weapon more powerful than yours but when an ally has it your strength is enhanced.  In other words, having a strong woman by your side makes you a stronger man.

We can blind ourselves from our wife’s beauty when our ego is challenged.  Don’t be afraid to sit in the passenger seat!  Realize that you both are going in the same direction.  Love does not engage in competition, its value lies in making others know their importance.

So, if your wife makes more money than you, be thankful for it.  You don’t lose your voice in the relationship because she has a bigger paycheck.  When you stop competing with her, you can work together.  Titles, status, and income mean nothing in love.  When you care more about what a person does than who they are, you lose sight of the person’s true value.

You are married to your best friend.  She sees the best and worst in you.  You can’t allow your fears and insecurities control your relationship.  You are her choice you are her man.  Remember that it was attraction that brought you together, but it is love that will keep you together.

Share the rope

When you see your wife, do you smile or frown?  How does her presence make you feel?  Many marriages are ruined because what initially drew the couple together takes a “back seat” to the seemingly overwhelming negative aspects of their spouse.  She does not look, smell or talk the way she used to.  She jumps on me about the dumbest things, telling me about everything I do wrong.  It does not feel good to be in this state.

Every day you hope to find freedom through sports, video games, friends, work or television and you start believing life was better when you were single.  You wonder why she is kind and polite to everyone but you.  You ask yourself if there is anything wrong with you, but you don’t find anything that is worth changing.  It angers you that you have to try to read her mind, which is impossible because you are on two different wavelengths.  So, you avoid communication to prevent “blow ups.”  You spend your time with anything and anyone but her.  Even on good days, you live on edge just waiting for the next problem.  This life is not what anyone signed up for.  Even if it has never been that bad for you, you probably know someone who has had a relationship like that.

That pit is hard to climb out of because whenever it seems like you have reached the top, you are thrown back to the bottom.  You can get out of this pit but you must be willing to share the “rope” with your wife.  She is not the problem and you are not the problem, it’s just that no one has taken the time to find the rope.  You both have been trying to climb out of the pit individually, trying to be the hero but it will not work unless you work together.  When you think independently, you bring frustration and confusion to the relationship.  It can no longer be me, it has to be we.

Working the position

Doing push-ups are no easy task.  When you hold the plank position for a while, your arms begin to shake because of the weight and pressure, so the push-up actually brings relief from the pressure.  Your power is not in holding a position; it is in working the position.

When you hold the title of husband for a while, it is manageable but then stress and pressures begin to weigh on you heavily. It becomes unbearable until you start living beyond the title and responsibilities of being a husband.  All of the pressures and stress leaves through your action.  The more you let go of your positions and walk in being who you are, the more fruitful your marriage will become.

Don’t try and hold it all together, share it with your wife.  Give her you, not an image of who you are supposed to be.  She will never fully love the artificial you, but she will be passionate about the real you.  Share your dreams, your fears, your insecurities and your passions with her.  Let her know who you are.  Let her in, share the “rope” with her and you will be surprised at how long the “rope” really is.

Reveal yourself

Your wife is the one person that needs to see you weak more than strong.  It reveals a side of you that reflects her strengths.  When you are vulnerable, those intimate moments allow both of you to grow together.  When you handle everything on your own, she cannot see where she fits in your plans.  That prevents her from seeing her importance in your life.  Most importantly, when you are handling everything on your own you are blind to her needs.  She needs your help just as much as you need hers.

Your marriage cannot be like a business transaction at the bank.  You can’t just go to her, make deposits, withdrawals, and apply for loans.  You cannot have an impersonal relationship that works only when there is a need.  Although you may gain “interest” and build up your “savings,” you won’t have wealth.  Marriage can bring more wealth than any business investment because it gives you what you always wanted: love.  If we don’t give our hearts to our wives, we will push them away from what they value most.  Don’t allow her to be unfulfilled because you are too afraid to give her your heart.

This is where this book truly begins. Giving your heart to your wife is not easy.  At least it does not come natural to me.  It is a process that leads to having a wonderful fulfilled life.  When your wife is fulfilled, you will be fulfilled. It is not about giving her things, for things can not fill her like your heart can and many times it is counterproductive. Your marriage ultimately does not work because instead of giving her your heart, she looks for those things to make her happy instead of you.  It makes for a bad marriage that draws you both to eventually resenting each other.

So, if giving my heart is all I have to do, why is it so hard and unnatural for us as men?  I have learned that it is not hard; it is just that our minds have to be aware of what our hearts are telling us.  As men, our ego gets in the way of our hearts.  We get upset over small things because we do not like anyone to challenge our beliefs or our authority.

To be a man, we don’t have to see whose roar is the loudest and compete with anyone for our woman’s love.  You do not have to focus on the qualities that another man possesses your wife picked you. She picked you because you are the one she loves and you are more than qualified to satisfy her needs.

Be confident in who you are, regardless of what you don’t have.  The more confident you are, the more open you become to share your fears and challenges with her.  Wouldn’t it be great to be able to share your true self with someone?  Your wife is that someone.  It starts with the heart.  She will be willing to invest her time and her energy in you, when she sees you not your ego.

#1 LISTEN

Listening is not easy, but if you master listening to your wife, you won’t have to work so hard to understand her.  Your ears are your friend. Your ears can catch subtle signals like sighs, being tired and things that are deeper than the surface level.

When you listen, you are aware of her presence and her personality.  She does not need your advice as much as she needs to feel like what she cares about is important to you.  Listening is not simply suffering through her stories; it’s being engaged with her thoughts and ideas.

When you first meet someone you are interested in, you want to discover every tiny detail about them.  She is not only attractive physically but she is also interesting.  You want to know her dreams and ambitions and you are concerned about her fears and challenges.  The problem comes when you stop discovering. When you stop engaging with her, it causes you to coexist together but grow individually.  You get tired of listening to her day because you have your own day to worry about.  She no longer seems interesting and you become more curious about other things and people. She fails to blossom, but it is your coldness that prevents her from opening up.

Listening can solve this problem but it is not a law. You don’t have to listen but when you choose to, it brings passion to your relationship.  When your wife can trust you with her heart and mind, she will give you all of herself.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

How well do you know the person you are married to?  You might be surprised with how many secrets are kept in marriage.  Maybe your wife is a horrible cook and she is insecure about it.  You are mad that she never cooks, but you never took the time to listen to her and catch the signals.  If your wife can be herself with everyone but you, there is a problem.  Having friends and family can be great but you are the one person that she should be able to confide in.  Regardless of what the subject is, listen to your wife.  She needs your ears, not your mouth.

Listening is not doing what she says.  It means hearing without judgment and offering your perspective.  For example, your wife says, “I want to try a new recipe because I am tired of cooking the same meals, but I don’t know what to cook. What do you think?”  She really wants to know your opinion but you can’t blow it here.  Most of us would respond, “Just cook whatever you want.”  To be honest, this is something I have said many times but that is not engaging with her and it still leaves her with no insight.  She is probably asking because she does not want to cook something new that you will not like.  What do you do?  You engage.  Remember, you will eat your words later, so why not eat well. Try, “Maybe I can look for a recipe online or we can buy a cookbook!” If you don’t mind cooking, you can even offer to make something with her.

When she speaks, her words are very important to her. Even if you don’t care what she will do, she does.  It is what she thinks about, so don’t dismiss her thoughts as pointless and small.  I am not saying to have pointless conversations but take time to engage in the things that she feels are important.  When you listen, you can discern what is important, to her very quickly.

I may be thinking about writing a book and my wife may be thinking about buying our daughter some new shoes.  Her cares and interests are just as important as mine.  When I share book ideas, I want her to listen to me.  If I don’t reciprocate that when she speaks, I am indirectly saying that what she has to say is not important.  Over time, it can escalate to her not feeling important to you at all.  It is not worth losing your wife just because you don’t want to take time to listen to her.  Imagine how it would feel if your wife never cared about the things, you love and think about.

Sadly, it happens all the time. That is one reason why so many marriages are emotionally distant.  If you are thinking about yourself, why can’t she think about herself as well?  When you communicate, it is easy to talk about what you love but much harder to listen to what she loves.  However, when you listen, you may find that what she loves, you may start to love and enjoy as well.

Some women have no interest in sports until they meet their husbands, but it becomes something that brings them together. It works the other way as well. When you listen to your wife talking about all kinds of things you never desired and engage in it whole-heartedly, you help to build a bond with her that is not easily broken.  She can be the bridge to places you never dreamt of going to.

You may not be as passionate about shopping as she is, but you go and enjoy her presence while she is shopping, simply because she is happy.  It is not about the sports for her, it is about you.  It is not about shopping for you it is about her.  You go because it makes her happy.  If you go and are miserable, that is counter productive – you missed the whole point.  Don’t go to ruin what she loves to do, go to engage in what she loves to do.  You definitely would not want your wife to watch the game with you if she was going to be negative and complain the entire time.  You would be better off watching it alone.

Listening to your wife helps you to know what concerns and interests her in that day.  Some things she may want to do alone but there are things she would enjoy more if she had a little company.  If you are not willing to be there for her, someone will.  You are just cheating yourself from true intimacy.  Yes, she will establish relationships with others but no relationship is more important than the one with you.

#2 LISTEN, AGAIN…

I know you got it right in the first chapter, but practice makes perfect.  Listening to your wife is not a one-time thing.  She can tell you something one hour and then tell you something different the next.  It can drive us crazy because usually, when we set our minds to something, we are solid with the decision.  Your wife can be friends with someone but they say the wrong thing and they are not friends anymore. Then, a couple of months pass; they make amends and become friends again.  Just listen, pay attention, and listen again.

YOUR EARS, NOT YOUR MOUTH

Listen to your wife, she needs your ear.  Many times her words are not solid; don’t say anything, just listen.  Giving her your attention allows her to work through her emotions and move forward.  If you push her, she will make decisions built on your words, not her own.  It is not your job to mold her beliefs; you need to be the willing ear that allows her to come to her own conclusions.

I am not talking about her everyday conversations; I am talking about her emotional driven confessions.  You are not Dr. Phil or her psychologist you are her husband.  No analyzing is necessary. If you entangle your opinion in the emotional confession, you will be upset if she does not listen to you.  Don’t fan the “flames,” just let the “fire” go out.

I hope you understand what I am talking about.  You can give your wife advice, you can say whatever you want to her, for there is no law in talking to your wife.  She may want your input, but how far will giving ignorant advice get her?  It makes more sense to give her the freedom to make her own choices.  You have your own issues and decisions to make.  It will save you many fights and pointless conversations if you just let her confess and move forward.  This tip is about listening with your heart, not your head.

You are not made to be her savior and solution to all her problems, but you can be there as an understanding friend.  We listen to our co-workers, our boss, our friends, and our families tell us about their issues. We willingly open our hearts to their perspective but sometimes we forget about our wives through all the chaos.  She is forgotten because we have turned our ears towards others and gone deaf to her voice.  It is not that we don’t want to hear her; it is just that, our focus is turned in another direction.

However, when we are aware of it, it is easy to turn back to her.  It is not about paying for your mistakes or punishing yourself, it is about making the decision to give your ears to your wife first.  Let the past stay in the past, you can’t change it. You can change your present.

#3 LEARN

As a husband, we are regarded as the leader, and great leaders are great learners.  When you are a learner there is always room for growth.  You can learn from every situation no matter if it is an area of weakness or an area of strength, you can learn new things that will bring a fresh perspective.  Learning of yourself is a vital part in learning your partner.

When you are open to discovering, you open yourself to challenges that will push you to overcome your fears.  When you are not willing to learn, you become boring.  You become stale, uninteresting, and very critical of those around you – especially your wife.  When she doesn’t live up to your view of perfection, you treat her like a failure.  Really, you fail when you expect her to live up to your expectations when you have not grown as a person for years.

Learning keeps your relationship fresh and young.  Learn new ways to express ‘I love you.’  It is the small things that matter, learning if she likes flowers and if so what kind. (Note: Not all women like red roses.)  Learn what makes her happy and give yourself special assignments to push yourself to do those things for her.  It is not about expensive gifts all the time; she may want something as simple as giving her a hug or holding her hand.  Make learning fun and exciting, learn from your time with her, and know that she wants to learn who you are too.  Take risks and don’t be afraid to try new things, they create new conversations and new memories.

DON’T ASSUME

There is no better way to learn about a person than through conversation.  Assumptions can destroy relationships. If you don’t know, don’t assume – ask.  Questions build a bridge of understanding that will allow great dialogue to take place.

When you assume, you take away your partner’s voice and they are no longer an individual. Being expected to live up to your assumptions is so deadly because assumptions do not appear to be wrong, but they hinder you from seeing from a different point of view.

There is no growth in assuming. For it does not give, it takes away.  We get so frustrated with our wives because we assume that they know who we are and what we like.  It is not true; they cannot know our heart until we reveal it.  If your wife asks you, if you want to go to her friend’s party, don’t assume she knows what you’ll say.  Maybe you don’t like her friend and it will be boring for you, or maybe you’re just as excited. Don’t leave anything to her imagination, tell her the truth, she can not read your mind.  It is actually easier to learn about her when you are honest about your thoughts and feelings.

Learning about your wife means watching her, talking to her, and discovering the small details about her that no one else knows.  It could be something as small as finding out her favorite color, her favorite show or favorite food.  Learning is about investing time to get to know the person you love.  Seeing her weaknesses are easy because they are the most glaring things that can really get under your skin. However, seeing her strengths and passions takes a focused eye.

Marriage is not supposed to be serious and uptight; it should be fun.  That is the difference between feeling obligated to do something and choosing to do something.  Not only can your wife make you happy like no one, she can also make you angry like no one.  When you learn by watching and seeing her for who she is, the things you thought were negative you find are really a positive.

Open your heart to discovering your crown jewel.  A treasure that is hidden is worthless but one that is appreciated gains value over time.  In marriage, there is always room to grow.  Years can pass and you can begin to learn things about her that you never knew.

When you are married, change can be exciting so don’t take revelations personally to the point that the environment is hostile.  It may force your spouse to barricade her true self from being exposed and attacked.  Her dream is to be real with you about everything but judgment inhibits growth.  Give her the space she needs to be an individual that is not lost in you or the idea of being a wife but an individual that can make choices and learns from them.

Life is more than responsibilities; it is about discovery.  It is about having the grace to challenge the ideals you have lived with and soar beyond the cares of the world, all while finding yourself along the way.

#4 COMFORT

There is something intimate and fulfilling about the touch of a woman.  As husbands, we usually get a bad reputation for only wanting sex.  I am not saying that only wanting sex is right or wrong but sex is not comfort.  Most men don’t want to cuddle in bed after having sex.  We can go to sleep, play video games, watch television and even leave. We don’t usually have any strong emotional attachment, but our wives put more into it than that.  They want to cuddle and share their hearts with us.  In this moment, your wife is exposed and vulnerable and if you are not sensitive to her emotions and feelings, you can cause her to build walls that will close her from you emotionally and physically.

When you are open to your wife when she is vulnerable, the love between you will grow. She will see a side of you that genuinely cares about her.  You make her feel special, like she is the only person in the world.  Naturally, you may want to get on with your day but what good is everything else when your wife is not satisfied?

COMFORT BEYOND THE SHEETS

Comfort may start in the bedroom, but it can come from many other things too.  It could just be, you understanding the frustration she has with balancing life.  The important thing about this tip is to know that she needs assurance that she can count on you.  As a man we can be blind to this.  We want to be there for our wives and many times, we think we are there for them.

Our perception of who we are, usually, is not the reality of who we are.  Your wife does not need you solely for the “big things” in life, like the death of a loved one or a friend that is sick.  She needs to be able to count on you when she is afraid of going back to school or feels the pressure of picking the children up from school on time.  Understand that comfort is not doing everything for her; it is being there for her emotionally, showing her that her life, her issues and her happiness is important to you.

Comforting your wife is not more work for you but it is more time.  You can breathe fresh life into your relationship when you look to comfort her. Do you want her to be intimate only when it is convenient for her?  No.  When you desire something, you want her to help satisfy your desire.  She wants this as well, not only when it is convenient for you but when she needs it.

BE A COMFORTER

You are the comforter that covers your wife when she is cold.  You are what she wants close to her when she is going to enjoy a movie.  When you are there for her, you realize how much you really want to be close to her.  A comforter’s warmth comes from being close to the one its covering.  A comforter does not need anything additional to serve its purpose, it is fully equipped to comfort on its own.  Don’t think you have to be someone you are not, you can be yourself. Don’t leave her exposed but cover her with all that you are.

Comforting your wife shows your strength, it opens the door to her leaning on you when the pressure is on.  You could support her when she needs to make a decision or it could be talking to her when she is doing chores.  Just like when a battery is used repeatedly, it is drained and it needs a place to recharge.  When you see her tired and drained, create opportunities for her to be recharged.  It shows that you want to help, and that you are willing to step up and fill in once in awhile.

There is nothing worse than a frustrated, fed up woman.  If you want to keep peace in your home, don’t think about yourself all the time, step up and show her you care about her well-being.  If you want to be warm at night, make her feel warm during the day.

Marriage is not work, at least it does not have to be.  It is all about doing things for someone else that you would do for yourself.  It is acknowledging that you want to be apart of something bigger than yourself: a family.  You create the life you want by loving the way you want to be loved.  Being single is not all it suggests itself to be.  Everyone wants to be loved, and you have someone; you have your queen.  You have stability.  You have someone you can spend a lifetime with.  No matter how crazy the world is, you can have a warm home and it starts with you.  If you are cold, eventually your wife will turn cold as well. When you keep the fire burning, she will be right there with you but it has to be more than just words.

When you comfort, you are comforted.  Your relationship moves into deep water and you become each other’s floatation device.

#5 PROTECT

Protecting our wife is what we think we do best.  We will not let anyone harm or disrespect our wife.  We are like guard dogs, keeping our eyes on anyone and anything that has the look of trouble.  We keep our eyes on everyone except the one that can do the most damage: ourselves.  Can you protect your wife from yourself?

Comforting your wife is even harder when you are the one that is causing the pain.  Every husband has said something to his wife that has hurt her feelings.  The truth is there is no worse feeling than knowing that you are the reason to her pain.  What do you do when you are at fault and there is nothing you can say or do to change what has happened?  What you do is, learn how to protect her.  It is easy to say that you protect your wife from harm and pain when she’s never been attacked. To know how to protect and value something, takes being under attack, having a breach on your watch and fighting to keep what may be at risk from being lost.

Most nations, kingdoms, and homes are destroyed from within.  The ones who are trusted to be there to protect them are the same ones that betray their trust and cause more destruction then any enemy ever could.  Many marriages lay in ruins because husbands have lost sight of what is important: their wife’s trust.

BUILDING BLOCKS

Have you ever been mad for no reason and take it out on your wife?  You said things you wish you never uttered but you can’t take back.  However, for some strange reason, she does not see you as a “lost cause.”  Your destructive “tornado” has caused so much destruction; it seems like all the work put into building a great relationship is for nothing.  Yet, she does not leave because she is willing to build again.  Why?  Love.

The love of a woman can heal your broken heart.  In an instant, a happy marriage can become an unhappy marriage, as well as an unhappy marriage can become a happy marriage, but it starts with you.  It starts with building and putting things back in their proper place.  You are only one nail and a hammer away from building the marriage you have always wanted.

Security is vital to building a strong relationship.  She needs to feel secure within the relationship in order to be herself.  You don’t want anyone to see your wife undressed and naked, it is for your eyes only.  So, why would you want her to be exposed emotionally to anyone other than you?

FRIEND BOUNDARIES

An easy way to bring dissention into a marriage is to share your concerns about your wife with your friends – especially female friends.  By confessing your heart to others, you are leaving a part of you with them and connecting to them in a way that you were meant to connect with your wife.  When you decide to share your emotions with your friend, it builds a stronger bond between you two.

When your female friend shares her emotions with you, you begin to see qualities within her that deserve to be loved and appreciated. You see her heart but her heart is not for you. When you keep your heart with the one you love, you can actually be the friend your female friend needs, and not become entangled with her heart.  You are no savior; it is not your job to love every woman that needs to be comforted.  The best way to help a female friend is to be there for your wife.  Then your friend will see what real love looks like and will recognize it when it comes her way.

This step is one that I struggled with for many years. I did not understand how my relationship with my female friends was straining my marriage. One day, it clicked and I saw that my heart was not fully there for my wife.  My treasure became my relationships with my friends instead of my wife.  I felt so stupid because I did not want to hurt my wife but the damage was done.  I had to start over. I had to learn how to protect my wife’s heart from the one person who was supposed to protect it: me.

The best solution I came up with was to let go of my defenses. I let go of the walls that were meant to protect me and become completely vulnerable to my wife. I allowed her to see me in a way she never had before because my desire was to be with her. When she saw it, she entrusted me with her heart again.

Protecting what you treasure is what you want to do more than anything. Understand that you can overcome your mistakes if you are willing to move past them and allow love to have its way with you.  By being honest with her, you protect each other and it keeps you accountable in your relationship.

#6 ENCOURAGE

Encouragement is a great thing to have from anyone but the word can be misunderstood.  Encouraging your wife does not mean that you praise her for everything.  Praise is great but your wife needs encouragement.  For example, if your wife cooks something that is awful and you praise her for cooking it, you hinder her growth and subject your stomach to her cooking because of your words.

To encourage is to be unconditionally honest, no matter what state you find yourself in.  If the food is nasty, you don’t berate her by calling her a poor cook, tell her how you appreciate her efforts and be specific about what you didn’t enjoy.

AN HONEST VOICE

In a relationship, we do not want to hurt each other’s feelings but when you know the heart of a person and their intentions, you don’t have to sugarcoat anything.  It is similar to exercising with a personal trainer. They know you can do the work and they have no problem telling you if you are not giving your best effort.  If your trainer does not give you an honest voice, they cheat you from the opportunity to get better.

Give an honest voice to your wife, it will challenge her to improve and grow as a person.  Praise growth and effort not just the result.  Praise her when she tries, even if the result is not great. Don’t lie but encourage her to keep trying and not quit.  She values your opinion.  It is better for you to give her an honest response rather than her being exposed by someone else.

Encouragement cares more about the process than the end result.  Who cares if your wife’s pie was burnt when the process of making it was fun and fulfilling.  Your encouragement is vital to pushing her past her comfort zone.  She may be a great singer but that does not mean you can’t encourage her to train and get better.  It is not our place as husbands to demean our wives or discourage them by being condescending. We should encourage them through caring and valuing their growth and discovery.

As a guy, you can’t stand being sappy or thinking about things that are meaningless to you but if you want to get the most out of your marriage, it takes investing time in your wife.  Cheer her on when she most needs it, don’t forget about her. When you share your dreams and goals with her, you want her to be supportive of them.  Do you want her to tell you that you are great when you know you really are just a beginner?  No, you want the truth, even if it hurts.

A good friend is willing to put feelings aside in order to make their friend look good, even in a mess.   A good friend cares about the heart; they will do anything to keep their friends heart from being hurt.  You probably have that kind of relationship with a best friend or sibling and you can say whatever is needed to encourage them.

As a husband, your wife needs that same voice, the voice that cultivates the ground of her mind.  When we simply “dress” the ground with artificial grass, it does not yield growth as it would when cultivated.  She needs to be challenged to be better than she has been.  The problem is, in relationships, we think too highly of ourselves.

Women can feel they are doing everything, while their husbands are doing nothing.  Men can think that what they currently do is good enough. The environment needs a change but it begins with cultivating one another through encouragement. If your wife shares that she wants to go back to school, don’t write her off because you think she will be wasting her time. Try encouraging her to take classes that will push her beyond her comfort zone.

ENCOURAGE YOURSELF

An encourager looks for ways to push people deeper into their interest.  Encouragement does not require that you see things logically, it pushes you to explore – remember, the ride she takes, you take.  When you encourage her, in essence you encourage yourself.  You are challenging yourself to go further than you have ever imagined.  When you do a poor job of encouraging, you make your partner feel isolated and they feel that their interest is something they must pursue alone.  This brings separation and a resistant attitude that can lead her to believe that you are no longer helpful or necessary.  Ultimately, this can easily lead to divorce.

When an idea is still a seed, encouragement causes the both of you to grow together. Through all of the difficulties, and challenges, you go through the process together and grow.  One mistake we often make is associating vulnerability with weakness.  When your wife is vulnerable, it does not mean she is weak, she may just be “lost” or unsure of herself.

The greatest impact you can make is not with your physical strength but your mental strength.  It gives her something stable to help her catch her balance.  What better encouragement can you give than to be there to be a firm foundation when she slips?  When we encourage, we challenge our spouse to move forward.  We help her to push past the desire to remain stagnate, to progress, to refocus and forget the past.  When she is upset and frustrated about something and you hear in her voice that she really wants to move past it, help her. Don’t make things worse by talking about it negatively; encourage her with your words and actions.

When your marriage is shared, each person feels that their partner is taking the journey with them.  It is one thing to encourage yourself, but it is a far greater thing to know that someone is there for you when you are in need of a push.

As husbands, we can accept encouraging our wives but we also need to allow them to encourage us.  We need to allow them to help us when we are lost and are in need of direction.  Sometimes, we are too proud to admit we are stuck and unwilling to allow anyone to help us get free.  We cheat our wives from helping us become better.  If you have ever been in a weight room, you understand how humbling it is to lift weights. No matter how tough you are, there is a weight, which you cannot lift without assistance.  To extrude strength, yet it not be enough to perform the exercise, is humbling. However, you understand that you are working to become stronger even though you are vulnerable, and the same way of thinking goes for your home.

When you understand that your relationship is on a journey to grow stronger, you will not resist being vulnerable in front of your wife but embrace it as a part of that journey.  To remain married you have to grow together.  You really get to see the heart of a person when they are vulnerable and the chemistry and love bleeds through that vulnerability.

#7 LEAD BY FOLLOWING

A misconception in marriage is that a woman must submit to her husband.  It is defined as the husband has the final authority, his words and judgments carry more weight.  You can see where this might lead you.  When the man thinks he knows what is best and the woman thinks she knows what is best, the couple begins to fight over control.  The reality is, neither one is in control; love cannot be controlled.

No one wants to feel like they don’t have a choice.  When you take on the role of leadership, it is not to take away your wife’s choices but to liberate her to make choices.  In marriage, if your spouse is fighting for their freedom, it could end in divorce.  Understanding how to lead your family will set you and your wife up for more freedom and more joy.

LEADING BY SUBMITTING

To submit does not mean you lose power, it means you consider someone else.  You don’t compromise your beliefs; you are merely open to another’s perspective.  So as husbands, is it wrong to submit to your wife?  Does it diminish your role in your marriage?  No, submitting does not take away your authority; it actually allows your authority to be increased and creates a stronger bond.

It is through humility, not pride, which grows relationships.  You don’t have to lead by dominating; you can also lead by submitting.  When you follow your wife’s expertise, you prosper instead of trying to lead in ignorance and pride.  This is so challenging for us.  We do not like to feel inadequate in anything but the truth is, we need the help of our wives and there is nothing wrong with that.

Your wife is not asking for your role, she is asking for the opportunity to help you; so let her.  The bond you build by following actually increases your value and voice as a leader.  You don’t have to fight for authority.  If you are a great follower, when the roles reverse, your wife will happily follow your lead.  As a leader, she must see that you are willing to take orders as well as you can give them.  If your wife shares ideas that she is passionate about she is not asking you to take over the idea, she needs you to be supportive in whatever way you can to help her ideas come to life.  When you lead by following, you become the most attractive man in the world to your wife and you enable love to be at the center of your relationship.

Most of us have worked under management at some point in time.  We usually don’t like the manager that only comes around to be critical, we like the manager that is willing to help and even take orders if the job requires it.  Taking orders does not mean he is no longer the manager, it means that he cares more about the work and workers than his title.  When you care more about your relationship than the title you carry, your position is honored not despised.  In reality it does not matter who has the authority at any time for you both are one in the same; the same orders you give are the orders you receive.  Roles are interchangeable in marriage; you can be a leader one minute and a follower the next.  The reflection you are as a follower is the reflection you will receive as a leader.

You have to remember that you are not defined by your role.  If you wife is better with money, don’t be too proud to let her handle the finances.  You are married, it should not matter who has the most money in the bank, you share it all.  That is where many of us fall short in our relationships: selfishness.

I am not saying you can’t have your own money but you should never get to the place where you are unwilling to share what you have with your partner.  You set the standard in your home. If you are selfish, she will be as well.  If you are prideful, she may be as well.  Don’t live according to your ego, it will never allow you to love the way your heart wants to love.  Who cares if she pays for dinner, as long as you get to eat?  If you are not good with money and she is, don’t follow the advice of men who say that you have to be the one to pay the bills.  Be who you are, nothing more, nothing less.  Whatever you have to offer, whoever you are is good enough.

BE A GOOD TEAMMATE

The greatest impact of this tip is you realizing that you can let go of some responsibility. You free your wife to do more of what you are weak in, while reaping the benefits of your wife’s strengths.  A stronger wife makes for a stronger marriage.  A good leader knows how to see the gifts in others and allow them to shine.  You and your wife are a team.  It matters little if you shine and your team loses.  It is all about making the team better so you can win.  Occasionally taking the backseat does not hide your good qualities, it allows you to be supportive of the qualities of your wife.

When you are on a team and the captain plays as if no one else is valuable, you lose interest. You don’t care if you win or lose because you don’t feel apart of the game anyway.  The same goes in marriage.  If you are trying to do everything with no regard for your wife and her abilities, she will lose interest and let you struggle to succeed on your own.  She needs to know that you value her as much as you value yourself.

We don’t realize that we want to win so bad, that we forget we are playing on a team.  We forget about our wives because we want to make sure that we are the one who is taking care of her and the family. We don’t realize that she is fully capable of taking care of herself and us as well.  Following allows us to see where we can best use our gifts to get the results we want.

LEAD BY SERVING

Understand that in your relationship, you are made to lead.  You bring stability to your wife and your family.  You are the “rock” that she can stand on when the world is shaking all around her.  You are the “pillow” that gives her a place to rest her weary head.  If you want a great marriage, you must learn to serve.  Serving your wife does not mean doing things her way or doing everything for her, it means seeing a need that you are able to fill and filling it.

Wives, especially mothers, are burdened with so much responsibility. They handle it all pretty well, but eventually it becomes too much and they become fatigued. Fatigue leads to frustration, and when frustration is not relieved, it leads to depression.  As men, we can fail to notice the “signs” and body language of our wives.

However, a foolproof way to combat our lack of awareness is to look for ways to serve our spouse.  Bring her something to drink when she is resting. Give her a massage to help relieve her stress. Take the children out and give her some “alone time” in the house.  If the house is dirty, you can send her out and clean it while she is gone. Every woman is different; the key is uncovering the mind of your wife.  It is easier than it sounds.  Listen to what she complains about and don’t take it personal, she is only complaining to cope with her issues.  Not all women complain all the time but if you pay close attention, you will find how you can serve her best.

We have to realize that women serve better than men.  Women naturally serve as mothers, wives, daughters and employees. Men want to lead, often missing the benefit of service because we don’t understand how great it is to serve others.

We become better, happier people when our hearts are directed towards others and not ourselves.  Maybe you are a man that serves your country or your job. Although honorable, never forget that your family is the most important, and if you don’t serve them, you are missing true wealth.  Sometimes it means putting your desires on the “back burner,” so your family can receive the love they desire from you.

Serving your family has more to do with being there for them than providing for them.  Love in the household means love in a community, which spreads to the city, then to the state, to the nation, to the continent and to the world.  It all starts at home.  The most insignificant act to others means the world to the ones it was intended for.  Don’t miss the advantage of serving your family, the payoff is bigger than any paycheck or accolades you could ever receive.

#8 FORGIVE

Relationships are glued together by love and the strength of love is forgiveness.  You can not remain in love without forgiveness.   What is forgiveness?  The definition seems to be different for many.  The best example comes from young children.  You can watch two boys playing one minute then they are fighting the next.  One boy gets hurt and cries, and the other boy apologizes.  Then the boys begin to play again as if nothing ever happened.  The mistake is in the past and there is no negativity between the boys any longer.

As we become adults, for some reason, we lose the ability to forgive.  We cannot allow a mistake to go unpunished because we want justice.  Justice may be warranted but will it change what has happened?  No, it never does.  Holding a mistake over someone’s head does not rehabilitate them but forgiveness does.  As a husband, your wife will hurt both your heart and your ego.  Not to say that she intentionally means to harm you, but just as children, we are prone to hurt one another.  It seems justifiable to want an apology but will that change anything?

Forgiveness is not based on an apology, it is based on the love you have for your spouse.  When you are looking for the right condition to forgive, you lead yourself right to failure.  What happens when the person you need to forgive thinks they did nothing wrong?  You will become angry and the severity of the offense will only escalate.  The “lines” will be drawn and the division will push you to think selfishly.

To forgive is to pardon.  It means to cover the mistake with love and you live as if nothing ever happened.  I know that is hard to accept, it is even harder to write but it does not deny its truth.  How can you love someone and constantly think about what they did to you?  How can you trust them if you cannot forgive them?  Do you want to pay for all of your mistakes? Do you want her to talk about them everyday?  No one says that you can’t ever be upset, but how long are you going to cry about it?  Let it go and be happy.

UNCONDITIONAL

Relationships are built on love and trust but sealed by forgiveness.  Don’t allow anything to break the seal; your relationship is too important. “What if my wife cheated on me?” you ask.  Forgiveness is unconditional.  Even if your relationship ends, you must learn to forgive.  Forgiveness is for you, not her.  If you don’t forgive, you are only poisoning yourself with bitterness, hate, and end up hurting yourself more than anyone else.

In your marriage, the strain of not forgiving can be worse because you love the person so much but you cannot move forward until you pardon.  Everyone wants a clean slate, and it comes from letting go. Leave your “baggage” in the past and allow your relationship to be strengthened by the experience.

Forgiveness is a choice, your choice.  When you make the choice to forgive, it relieves the stress of carrying “weights” that can harm you.  The process of forgiving your wife is hard when you hold onto past “weights” and issues.  Though it may be something small now, because you have not fully forgiven the old issue, it will be harder to let go later.

When there is no forgiveness, there is division, and it is hard to grow with someone that you are emotionally separated from.  You can be married in “long distance” relationship while living under the same roof.  How can that be?  If you don’t learn how to forgive, you will push away every person that is close to you.  Remember, you are just as much of a “mess” as they are, yet they love you still.

When you see the worst of your wife, she does not need to be judged, she needs to be loved.   Love is shut out when you choose to hold a “crime” over your spouse’s head.  It does not make her love you more; she will actually end up resenting you for judging her.  You may be hurt by the words or actions of your spouse but do you really want to live the rest of your life with that in the forefront of your mind?  Forgiving her allows love to enter the room; it is the “door” that leads love into the relationship.  Forgiveness lets down your guard and allows you both to see each other’s heart and that is where relationships truly prospers.

#9 BE HONEST

I have shared many tips so far and most of them are centered on honesty.  It extremely important to be honest but I want to take it even a bit further.  Honesty sounds great but it means nothing if you can’t execute it.  Being honest has more to do with your actions than your words.  When you are honest, you are not afraid to be yourself.  Being you is being honest.  Your wife may think you need to act like her friend’s husband or the sappy guy in the movie but it is not you.  You can learn from others but you are your best teacher.

Being honest is about having a high self-esteem and confidence in who you are.  When people want to influence you and conform your way of thinking, don’t compromise who you are just to make them happy.  They need to know where you stand.  If you act as if you love something that you hate just to please your spouse, you are cheating your relationship from true prosperity and happiness.  If you don’t like doing handiwork, don’t act like you want to.  All that will do is make you feel like a failure and inadequate whenever you do try to fix things.  Be honest; don’t talk yourself into doing work that you can’t fulfill.

Your wife’s expectations are not your expectations but you can’t expect her to read your mind.  Tell her what you expect for yourself and allow her to support you in what you love.  If you don’t tell her, she will assume you can do something that you really can’t and that will bring animosity into the relationship.

KNOW YOUR CAPABILITIES

Honesty pushes you to challenge yourself with new opportunities. In other words, you can grow when you are honest with who you are now.  If you have not ran in five years, you most likely will not be able to finish a marathon without the necessary training first.  You know what your capabilities are and being honest allows you to improve on them, instead of trying to defend your ego. Pride destroys confidence but honesty builds confidence.  Your wife needs a confident husband.

Confidence is contagious, and you will make her a better person by being content with the qualities you possess.  Confidence is about having a good “foundation.”  If you persuade yourself to do things that you are not good at, you will lose balance of who you are and what you really can do.  When you are honest, you have nothing to hide.  You have nothing to be ashamed of.  Honesty allows you to take pride in the true you, not the dressed up version that others see. When you discover what you are good at, you have a great starting point at building your confidence.

THE NAKED TRUTH

Husbands, when you leave your home, you wear many “hats.”  People have a level of expectation as to how you should carry yourself at work, at the store, at church and at sporting events.  Some places will not accept you speaking your mind and sharing your political or religious beliefs.  Even some words are deemed inappropriate for the workplace.

Your honest actions can affect your relationships as well as your job.  People say they want to be around honest people but they really don’t.  People want to be around people that are like them.  Those that think and act differently are treated as outcasts.  This is the world of today; people pretending to be someone they are not, in order to be accepted by others.

You can be so good at wearing a “mask” that when you come home, you don’t take it off.  You believe the false image that you live by.  However, in marriage the real you eventually emerges and there is a battle between the real and the false you.  You are afraid to let even your spouse know the real you because you don’t want to be rejected. However, being dishonest and fake takes a toll on you.  You get sick, frustrated, and depressed, all because you are not being yourself.  You can’t accept that you are different but the truth is that you are not normal.  What do you want?  Do you want to live with someone that does not know who you are? Your life is in your hands.

If you don’t change, you will eventually grow tired of pleasing others. You will want to start a new life without all of the people you have tried to please.  It is not anyone’s fault that you can’t be yourself but yours.  Look in the mirror, who do you see?  Do you see the person that you are or the person that others expect you to be?

If people don’t accept you for who you are, it is not your problem, it is theirs.  If you don’t accept who you are, it is your problem.  How do you change years of living not being yourself?  One step, one decision, one action at a time.  Being honest can really hurt your spouse at first because even the little changes can be a shock to her.  Rediscover who you are and live in it, your marriage will be better in the end.

Honestly, I can’t tell you exactly what your outcome will be by being honest with your wife.  Your ultimate fear may be that she will leave you but when you are honest, most likely she will be honest, as well. By you taking the first step to being honest, you may help her to find her liberty to be honest as well and that is good place for your relationship to be.

#10 BE OPEN-MINDED

Marriage is an adventure.  Through the months and years of your relationship, your wife will have new ideas and new passions that she will want to pursue.  If you are a man that lives by routine, then it will be hard to be open-minded to any drastic changes.  Many times, when changes occur, to cope with them we complain. We are close-minded, not that change is bad, but because we just don’t want to change.

For example, let’s say you have a routine of taking your wife to the movies every weekend for date night. One week, she expresses that she wants to do something different.  “Let’s go dancing,” she says. Instead of noticing the sparkle in her eye, you think about how uncomfortable it will be to go dancing and how it will ruin your fun of your normal date night.  Why can’t we just go to the movies?  What’s wrong with seeing movies?  Nothing is wrong with the movies; she has no issue with it. Your wife just wants to discover something else that you both might enjoy.

Most men like routine; we like being comfortable.  Women can deal with routine for a while but can grow tired of doing the same thing repeatedly.  As men, our wives are the best thing for us.  They push us beyond comfort to enjoy things we never imagined liking or trying.  Not to say men are not adventurous because that is far from the truth.  Regardless of how exciting your life is, (maybe you surf or jump out of airplanes), there are things you do that you would never change if she never opened your eyes to another option.  You don’t have to defend what you like to do to your wife.

When she says she wants to do something different.  She knows what you like.  She is talking to you about doing something different because unlike her; you would never complain if things stayed the same.  Routines and habits are different for every person but what is important is being open-minded.

You do not have to be afraid of losing the things you love; change does not have to be permanent.  When you are open-minded, you lose nothing and gain more.  As you are open-minded to her thoughts and ideas, she will reciprocate that to you when you are inspired with new ideas as well.

Life is great and marriage is wonderful when it is not restrictive.  Being open-minded takes the limitations off yourself and your marriage, allowing creativity to be expressed through freedom.  It does not mean forcing yourself to do anything, it means giving yourself a choice.

Life is about choices and when an alternate is presented; your openness gives you the opportunity to make the choice that is right for you.  Some things your wife wants to do, have nothing to do with you. She just wants your support, not your critique.  With an open mind, the more you allow your wife to be creative in what she does, the more you are free to do what you desire to do.

#11 DO THE DISHES

Do the dishes! In other words, get your hands dirty for the sake of your wife.  She needs someone who is willing to sacrifice their time and effort to help her whenever it is needed.

Let’s say, you have an agreement to take the trash out and she will wash the dishes.  It sounds reasonable but this chore is not the only one that she has.  She wants a clean house but you do not think about the house like she does.  To settle her mind, she may need to see the house in order first.  Most guys don’t care about their home that much.  Yes, we want our house clean but it is not the number one priority on our list. To us, it is just a chore, not our life.

Believe me, your wife does not want to be consumed with chores anymore than you do but she thinks if she doesn’t clean the house no one will.  You know that is not true.  We will clean when our comforts are compromised but that does not help our wife.  She needs to know that she is not your maid or your mother.  When you do the dishes, it shows her that you will not only create a mess but also clean up a mess.

Doing the dishes is a selfless act.  You did not create the piles of dishes by yourself, although you helped, but your concern is not who created the mess, your concern and focus is in cleaning it.  I know most people have dishwashers in their houses now but don’t miss the point. The issue is not the mess; the issue is your willingness to take care of the mess.

There are times when you can’t fulfill simple tasks like getting a glass of water because you are incapacitated by sickness.  Your wife takes care of you.  Think about it, is there a time when she does not take care of you?  Your sickness may make you more aware of her help but in reality, she helps you all of the time.  Do you help her when there is a pile of “dishes” waiting to be washed?  Do you constantly look for ways to ease her burdens?

We don’t have a problem cleaning up our own mess, but we definitely don’t like cleaning up after others.  Doing the dishes teaches us to think about someone else.  Find ways to help relief your wife’s burdens.  When you do, you find pleasure in helping her and actually look forward to doing it.  You will make it such a habit that she does not even have a chance to do it anymore.  She might try to beat you to it because it was not that she never wanted to do it again, she just does not want to feel like she has to do it every time; that is obligation and bondage.  Your wife wants to be able to do other things like you.  You don’t have to take a burden from her, but you can stand next to her and make it lighter for the benefit of the both of you.

A true team is one where there is no “I.” The burdens and responsibilities are shared. You lose together and you win together.  You hustle as much as your teammate.  When you put yourself before the team, the team resents your actions and no longer wants to play with you. When you put the team first, before your own ambitions and goals, the team will do anything for you because they trust that you will do the same for them.  Will you sacrifice your life for the sake of your wife’s well being?

We sacrifice our lives for our country, for our friends, and for our jobs but not for our wives.  We want to be recognized as heroes by others but will not be the hero in our own home.  The “small things” are what life is about; the small things that only your wife sees.  Things that seem so common and ordinary but make your wife smile and feel happy.  That is what brings true fulfillment, to see your wife happy despite whatever circumstances you may be going through.  You thought about her.  You noticed her.  You took the time to relieve a concern.

When you participate on a team, it is the moments when things are tough that you see the character of each player.  You build unbreakable chemistry when people are under extreme conditions and you find that you will do anything for them, as they will for you.

In marriage, it is the same.  When it really gets tough, the simple, thoughtful actions really draw you closer to your wife.  They help to create an unbreakable bond that is priceless.  You can’t create that type of bond without adversity. You don’t know how much love you have for your mate until the pressure of life presses it out of you.  When you get your hands dirty, you build a bond, showing your wife that you will do whatever it takes to have a great, happy marriage.

In life, you have very few people that will love you for who you are.  Fickle love prevents your great qualities from being seen.  Not everyone likes your “team,” and you will even be hated but as a team, it will bring you closer.  When you know that the world within your marriage is greater than the world around you, you can’t be defeated.  Your wife is worth the sacrifice.  She is worthy of your unconditional love.  Do the dishes and show her that you care.

#12 GIVE HER A BREAK

Men we can work hard but we are masters of rest.  We like finding things that will ease our lives.  Sports, movies, video games, hobbies and interests fuel your life.  However, what do you really know about your wife’s interests?  Could she possibly know more about your interests than you do of hers?  Yes, you may know what her favorite store is, but do you know why?  There are qualities about our wives that we have yet to discover.  Why is that the case?  It could be from juggling different schedules or maybe she rarely gets to enjoy her pleasures.

“It is the thought that counts.” Your attempts to give your wife a break may not be perfect but trying is what counts.  To be great in anything, simply starts with effort. Effort reveals the heart and the heart is where your greatness dwells.  Giving your wife a break allows her to connect with her interests, which enables her to reconnect with herself.  She can easily forget about her dreams and desires while being consumed with your issues, your interests, the children and work.

She needs a break but it is hard for her to take one when you are always the one in the “break room.”  She is waiting for you to take your post so that she can rest.  You don’t like your wife complaining but did you ever consider if she is being overworked and needs rest?  She needs time to think about herself.  She needs time with no diapers, no crying, no noise and no one else to help.  She needs a place where she can make herself happy.  Think about how your rest time makes you so much better and gives you a good feeling.  Well, she needs this as well.  Maybe she doesn’t need it as much as you do, but she needs the opportunity to love herself and appreciate the great qualities she has.  She cannot live off your love, she must live on the love that she has for herself.  This will make your marriage better.

Remember that it is your wife’s choice to take a break.  She may not want to stop before completing her goals but it makes all the difference in the world for her to know and see that her well-being is your priority.  When you see your wife frustrated and stressed, make an effort to put a smile on her face.  You may put a personal note on her pillow, surprise her with a lunch date, or tell her a joke. The point is to distract her from what is frustrating her for a moment so she can recharge.  She can go for days without good sleep.  She does what needs to be done but every minute she is losing energy.  She needs the time to recharge so she can work at an efficient level, not a frustrated level.

You see, what frustrates your wife is having things to do but not being able to do them well.  Allow your love to fuel her.  Show her that she is your treasure and although she is pulled in every direction at times, you can give her a place of rest.  You can’t be passive and try to give her a break according to your conveniences.  You are not doing it prove how great you are; it is not about you.  Love allows us to live free from worry.  It gives us the energy to keep going and it comforts us when we need rest.

#13 BE PATIENT

Learning to be patient is difficult.  You want things to work out but marriage is a work in progress.  You can’t expect to understand your spouse in a week or a month or even a year, it takes time. It takes pressing forward through the difficult times when you can’t seem to get on the “same page.”  When you are patient, you are not looking for a quick fix but rather, you are willing to wait as long as necessary to get what you desire.  You can learn a wealth of knowledge in a book or seminar but that knowledge can do you no good if not applied and tested by experience.

Don’t compare your relationship to others that seem successful.  They may seem happy and in love but a year later, they may end up divorced.  What happened?  Many couples travel through their lives so fast that they never take the time to get to know each other.  When they reach the top of the “mountain,” the person they began with is someone they no longer recognize or are attracted to.  Then, they part ways, going in different directions down the “mountain.”

Slow and steady wins the race.  Marriage is fun and exciting when you learn about each other through the adversity you encounter on your journey.  Adversity is good because it brings you closer.  It enables you to grow as one, while leaning on each other and learning to love the “soft” and “hard” aspects of each other.

Do not resist change; allow adversity to bring out the best in you.  You will be tempted in many ways to make a better marriage. I hope this book does not push you to expedite the process.  Being patient allows you to learn about who you are, as well accepting who she is.  We can often be unfair to each other; wanting our spouse to grow at the same pace we are.  However, there will come a time when we are not growing at the same pace or time as our wives.

Take for instance, a couple going on a hike.  The man is an experienced hiker but the woman has never hiked before.  The man knows the challenges set in front of them and knows that he can handle it but instead of pushing her to keep up with his regular pace, he travels at her pace.  Fully aware of the moment, he gets to see the beauty of their surroundings, which is something he usually misses while hurrying through the hike.  He is enjoying the experience and his company.  His wife is enjoying the hike as well but is being challenged by it.  However, she is happy for the support of her husband through the adversity.

Then, the man freakishly sprains his ankle on a rock and is incapable of putting any pressure on it.  He knows that he is going to be challenged with traveling down the mountain with the help of his wife.  Now, she becomes his hero, just as he was hers.  Because he took the time to go up the mountain at her pace, she now knows the way back down.  The two are confident that they are able to overcome the adversity.

Being patient pays well when you really need it.  Patience allows each person the opportunity to see “eye to eye,” with no barriers or insecurities.  You can handle the load as one; when the other is weak, you are strong.  You can’t get those results without learning to be patient.

We all can learn to be more patient.  If you are honest with yourself, patience is no one’s strong suit.  When you are single, you really don’t have to be patient, but in marriage, dealing with someone that is different from you is something you have to learn to handle.  “My” plans are changed to “our” plans and “my” control is now “our” control.  I think a great way to learn patience is by being still.

Some of you practice meditation, so it may be a little easier for you to be still. The majority of us, however, do not practice meditation in our daily routine.  We don’t have a quiet room to sit on the floor and clear our thoughts.  You do not have to be well trained at meditating to learn patience; you just have to be willing to learn where you are.

Sometimes my house is so loud that the walls shake.  I have six children who sound like a rock concert when I am trying to write and clear my head.  On top of that, my wife is loud as well and usually joins in with them.  So many times, I just want to scream for peace and quiet, but the problem is that I am trying to control my situation. I completely lose focus of what I want to do and my “perfect” opportunity is wasted.  So instead of looking for that quiet surrounding, I began looking for it from inside of me.  I did not run from my family, I joined them.  I took my notebook in one hand, a baby in another, and wrote.  When my children wanted to talk to me, I would give them my focus, and then go back to my work.  I learned in those moments that true peace comes from within and I learned to be patient by learning to be around those that I love.

If I had remained secluded, I would not know patience in the way that I know it now.  On another note, for the husbands who are also fathers, the number one thing I have learned about being a father is being there.  Your presence is half the battle.  Being in your child’s daily life creates a strong relationship and builds their self-esteem.

Clearing your mind and learning to be patient will save you from many arguments.  It will give you the chance to see things from your wife’s perspective without being critical.  It gives you the chance to see the whole “picture,” not just a piece of it.  Seeing your relationship through a small hole can be frustrating because you don’t know if everything is in order or even coming together.  The longer you remain still, the more you begin to see the entire “picture” and you gain more understanding.

If you “wait it out,” you will be happy with how things come together.  Don’t jump to conclusions when you have no clue about anything, wait.  Your relationship develops over time, not over the weekend.  It does not develop when a holiday comes around; it develops when you are patient. Patience makes a good couple, a great couple.

#14 BE STRONG

If you have ever participated in sports or any physical competition, I am sure that your coach and trainer told you that what you do is more mental than physical.  Those that are mentally strong are more successful than those that are just physically strong.  The reason for that is you can be strong when there is no adversity but it takes a truly strong person to be successful in the midst of it.  When the ideal situation is not available, how will you handle yourself?

You will not always be able to lean on your health or money or job, you need something deeper to get you through the rough aspects of life.  Just as patience is acquired through experience, so is courage. Courage is fighting when the odds are not always in your favor.  When your marriage is closer to ending than it is to prospering, you will need courage because the outcome may be devastating.

Are you brave enough to fight for love?  Are you mentally strong enough to not give up on your marriage even when things are not looking good?  As husbands, we can’t back down and quit on love.  We can’t allow our society to determine what love is.  The brave husbands will lay aside their egos to raise their children.  The brave husbands are not intimidated that their wives earn more money than they do because they prosper together.  The courageous ones never lose sight of their family and do not allow outsiders to cause friction within their marriage.

It takes courage to stand up against friends, family, and the world for your wife. When you get married, you join the fight but understand that you and your wife are on the same side. You are fighting for each other’s freedom and you are fighting against the statistics that say your marriage is going to fail.  Never give in to anything but love.

You love your wife, not that she is perfect but because she is yours.  She loves you, not solely for your looks but because you are hers.  You can’t lose.  No matter what the “score” is, or what mistakes have been made, you are a team and your strength is necessary through the up and downs.  There is no “plan B,” and there is no better “teammate” than your wife.  She is your secret keeper, not the groupie that praises you from the sidelines.  You don’t need praise from women that don’t love you; you have all you need in your wife.  She may get on your nerves at times but be strong.  She may spend too much money every once in awhile but be strong.  She may complain about the mess you make, she may be irresponsible, whatever the case, you still love her. Hang in there because believe me; she is hanging in there for you.

You can’t change your wife.  She may not want to fight for love and she may not believe in you but you don’t have to give her a reason to leave.  Be yourself and don’t back down. Don’t be the one who runs from love when it is right in front of you.  Keep pressing forward; keep reaching for the life you want.  You can’t lose when you put your heart on the line.  Even if she leaves, you win.  If she stays, you both win.

Brave and courageous soldiers on the battlefield have a motto: “Never leave a man behind.”  It sounds great but think about it, what it is saying is, risk your life for the well-being of another.  Never leave your wife behind, instead, risk your well-being for hers because you know life won’t be the same without her by your side.

I know that there are some of you who are considering getting a divorce.  You are reading this and thinking, “Yeah, but she hates me,” or, “I don’t like her.”  Well, just like the soldier that says the motto, “Never leave a man behind,” there are only a few that believe in it enough to do it.  You and I have declared our motto, “I do,” but how many of us believe it enough to live it?  You have a choice.  You don’t have to justify your choice to anyone because you are the one who has to live with it.  I believe love is real, and when you find real love, it is worth fighting for.  Real love is worth life itself.  For those that want to be married to their love, be strong.

#15 LISTEN

I started this book with the tip: Listen.  That is also, where I will end.  Out of all of the tips and advice I have shared with you, it is most important that you listen to your heart.  Your heart will not fail you.  You can trust that it will lead you to a happy and fulfilling marriage.  The changes that you make must start from within.  It starts with you understanding who you are.

I am not an expert of how you should handle your relationship but you can be.  My goal is just to remind you of love.  I want to push you towards your heart and show you that marriage is a great thing to have.  No one can change you or make you love your wife it is up to you.  Be honest with yourself about where you see your relationship going.

Ask yourself if you are willing to put in the time to get to know your wife.  If your heart is not towards her don’t waste another minute trying to make it work, follow your heart.  If you know that, your heart has not given up on the relationship, and then give it your all.  All I am saying is, you can’t force love, you have it or you don’t.

In marriage, you will make mistakes but without love, nothing can help you learn from them.  Love changes you.  When you have love in you, you have the capacity to overcome any obstacle.  When you don’t love, you don’t learn and you keep hurting your wife, leaving deep wounds on her heart.  Listen to your heart; if nothing that you have read speaks to you let it all go.  However, if the words resonate with you, give yourself the grace to accept them and apply them to your life.

It pains me to see good people get divorced.  I always wonder what went wrong but then I think of my relationship and I understand.  Marriage can be rough and brutal at times and if it were not for love, I would have given up a long time ago.  It can seem like things won’t and can’t get better but I am a witness that your heart won’t let you down.

A strong marriage is not fake, it is unique.  I am not a writer who has a “perfect marriage” and I don’t want one.  I want my wife and I to have different opinions, love different foods, have different pleasures because that makes life exciting.  Loving my wife for who she is and loving myself, for who I am, not changing to meet anyone’s expectation, is perfect enough for me.

Marriage can be your greatest asset when you have someone that will accept everything about you, as you do the same.  You know that you can always learn but as you grow and learn, you never feel condemned.  You never feel inferior or inadequate, you can be yourself.

Thank you for taking this journey with me, it has been fun. I have learned so much through sharing this writing with you and I have a lot to apply to my own marriage. I believe that in your marriage, the best is yet to come.  Remember listen to your heart and be strong.

About the Author

E’yen, his wife and six children reside in Ohio.

E’yen is passionate about helping people discover their purpose and live their best life.

His passion is extended through many areas, one of which he is through his blogs.    www.writerjourney.wordpress.com

www.peacefulmornings.wordpress.com

www.yourhealthystart.wordpress.com

Contact the Author:

Printed Word Publishing

Attn: E’yen A. Gardner

P.O. Box 360812

Columbus, Ohio 43236

WEBSITE: www.eyengardner.com

EMAIL: eyengardner@yahoo.com

Table of Contents

Copyright

Dedication

Other books

“I DO”

No contracts, no law

Loving beyond attraction

Share the rope

Working the position

Reveal yourself

#1 LISTEN

#2 LISTEN, AGAIN…

#3 LEARN

#4 COMFORT

#5 PROTECT

#6 ENCOURAGE

#7 LEAD BY FOLLOWING

#8 FORGIVE

#9 BE HONEST

#10 BE OPEN-MINDED

#11 DO THE DISHES

#12 GIVE HER A BREAK

#13 BE PATIENT

#14 BE STRONG

#15 LISTEN

About the Author