Mean People:

A Step-by-Step Christian Plan for Dealing With Mean and Nasty People

(Dealing With Difficult People Series, Volume 3)

Robert E. Baines, Jr., D.Min.

Mean People: A Step-by-Step Christian Plan for Dealing With Mean and Nasty People (Dealing With Difficult People Series, Volume 3)

Copyright @ 2014 by Robert E. Baines, Jr.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be produced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical, recording, photocopying, or otherwise, without prior permission of the copyright owner.

Note: All scriptures in this book are quoted from the New International Version of the Bible.

Visit the author’s websites at

www.RobertBaines.com

Disclaimer

Although every attempt has been made to produce the most accurate and trustworthy information possible, Robert E. Baines, Jr. does not accept liability for any actions taken as a result of reading this publication. This publication is not intended as counseling.

Your Free Gift

Before we get into dealing with mean people, I have a free gift for you. It is my way of saying “Thank You” for supporting my writing ministry. I wrote a booklet entitled, “Inspiration From Psalm 23.” The booklet contains six encouraging devotionals based on Psalm 23. All you have to do is click the link below and then supply your name and email, in exchange for the booklet, which will be emailed to you in pdf format.

www.RobertBaines.com

Table of Content

Introduction

Step One - Accept That You Cannot Change a Mean Person

Step Two - Take Care of Yourself

Step Three - Try to Help the Mean Person

Step Four - Cope With Chronically Mean People

Your Customized Step-by-Step Christian Plan for Dealing With Mean People

Book Excerpt

About the Author

Introduction

Do you have people in your life who pick on you? They make negative comments and digs about you and then try to pretend that they were just playing or that you are too serious. Do you have people who seem to get joy out of tearing your confidence and dreams down? What about people who are always telling you “as a friend” all of the things that are wrong with you and your ideas?

Have you ever felt disheartened, sad, or angry, after interacting with a nasty person? Many have reported feeling demeaned, belittled, and as if their self-esteem had been attacked. Others talk about being embarrassed by the public remarks and even afraid that things will get worse.

The mean person may well be a family member, co-worker, your boss, or a church member. Those we feel as if we need to get along with can be the meanest and most difficult people with which to deal.

Instead of having an enjoyable relationship known for mutual trust, respect, and harmony, you feel demeaned and mistreated. Instead of a win-win partnership, you feel as if the other person is always winning and you are usually losing.

On one hand, you don’t want to believe that someone can be deliberately mean. You don’t want to be too hard on them and abandon them. But on the other hand, you are getting tired of being disrespected, feeling angry, and then experiencing all of the self-doubt, after you interact with the person, right?

I remind you that John 10:10 teaches that God wants His people to have life and that more abundantly. Abundant life includes peace that surpasses all understanding (see Phil. 4:7). It includes joy (see Gal. 5:22).  Being angry, anxious, defeated, and depressed are not God’s plans for you.

Since you are reading this book, I am pretty certain that you have experienced at least one or two mean people in your life. I further assume that you are reading this book because you want some advice on how to handle the nasty people in your life, right? You are not alone. There are many people seeking Christian ways of dealing with difficult people.

To be clear, the problem with mean people is that they are tearing you down as a way of getting what they want. This leads to anger and sadness in you, which impacts your ability to live the abundant life that God is calling you to live.

How Does This Book Help Solve Your Problem?

The purpose of this book is to help you develop a step-by-step Christian plan for dealing with the mean people in your life. You should notice several things about this purpose statement. It is focused on how to deal with mean people. We are not simply going to describe the problem. We are going to do our part to deal with the situation at hand.

This book is based on Christian principles and is written with Christian readers in mind. When I say Christian, I am referring to someone who has accepted Jesus Christ as his/her personal savior by faith. I am referring to someone who is striving to understand and live by God’s word - the Bible. Living by the Bible includes giving our best to loving God and others, as we love ourselves. It includes being an active part of a Bible based local church.

However, all are invited to read it, and I believe that much of the material will be helpful to those who are not Christians. Feel free to pick and choose which material is relevant for your situation and which is not.

Who Am I?

I am a middle-aged Pastor with over 23 years of Pastoral experience. My Doctorate of Ministry degree equips me with writing ability, but my experiences with church officers, members, and those outside the church have equipped me with the content and drive to write this book. And then my experiences are “enriched” by coming from a large family of over 20 uncles and aunts and more than 50 first cousins. Stop smiling.

I am writing a series of books on how to deal with a number of difficult personalities. This is the third book in the series. I write in a rather practical “let’s have a cup of coffee” tone. So if you are looking for a great sermon or to be impressed with five and six syllable words, you may be disappointed.

How Is This Book Organized?

After this introductory chapter, I will present four steps for dealing with mean people. Each step will be given a chapter of discussion. In these chapters, you will receive not only helpful information about the step but more importantly, you will be given practical tips that can be implemented immediately to help you deal with the people in your life. These chapters end with review and self-examination questions that will help you develop your customized step-by-step plan.

We will then develop your individual step-by-step Christian plan for dealing with the mean people in your life. If you read the book and do nothing with the material, things will stay the same. The more you know, the more you are called to do (see Lk. 12:48).

How Can You Get the Most out of This Book?

I would recommend that you do the following: (1) Read the entire book and take a shot at answering the review and self-examination questions. (2) Re-read the book and answer the review and self-examination questions more thoroughly, especially the questions dealing with your customized plan.  (3) Carry out your plan for at least 30 days.

One Last Thing ….

I need you to send me an honest review of this book. The more 5 and 4 stars reviews that this book gets, the more other people will be blessed by it. Please help me promote the book, by way of leaving a review and urging your loved ones to purchase the book and leave a review as well. It would mean a great deal to me. Thanks in advance.

Alright, let’s look at the first step - accepting that you cannot change a mean person.

Step One - Accept That You Cannot Change a Mean Person

“You will always have the poor among you …” (see Jn. 12:8a)

Congratulations, your making it through the introduction to this first step says that you are serious about dealing with mean people in your life. In this chapter, we are going to discuss the following issues: acceptance, change, and definition. We will look at the motivations and tactics of mean people. And we will focus on some practical tips for applying the material in this chapter, before dealing with the review and self-examination questions.

Acceptance

To “accept” does not mean that you agree with the person’s nasty ways, nor does it mean that you have given up on the person. It means that “it is what it is, until they decide to change.” In John 12:8, Jesus talks about the poor will always be with us. This was the acceptance of a reality, not an agreement with this being a good situation. In like manner, the mean person is with us, until “they” decide to change.

“They” is in quotes as my way of bringing attention to my style choice. I know that “the mean person” should be followed with “he/she;” however, I have decided to use “they” as my way of talking about a singular gender-neutral antecedent. Trust me, you would rather that I do this than subject you to over 56 “he/she, him/her, and himself/herself” throughout this book. Here is a great article that supports my style choice:

http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/generic-singular-pronouns

Change

No matter how much you love the person, you cannot change them. You may influence them; but at the end of the day, they must decide for themselves. In fact, many people resent your trying to fix them. Think about how we like to buy items in a store, but we don’t like being sold.

Definition

For the record, everyone can be a little mean from time to time. Jay Carter says, in his book, Nasty People: How to Stop Being Hurt by Them Without Stooping to Their Level, that only 1% are intentionally and consistently mean, 20% are semiconscious and inconsistent in their meanness, and the rest of us are periodically and often unconsciously invalidating (i.e., his word for mean or nasty).

But a “mean person,” as used in this book, is a person who habitually tears others down to get their way. Because they believe that they have to hurt or be hurt again, they often rationalize that the end justifies the means. That is, they reason that being mean to others is better than having people be mean to them again. They assume that others will be mean to them, so they are simply protecting themselves and their interests. By the way, I use the term mean and nasty interchangeably to prevent so much redundancy.

Mean people can be great listeners. They listen very carefully for what you are passionate about and have strong desires toward. And they listen extra hard for what you are insecure about or afraid of. Sadly, it is with this information that they are able to hurt you. They know what to tear down. And they know where to plant seeds of self-doubt.

The nasty people that this book has in mind are those who you feel as if you need to stay with for some reason. If it were simply a mean cashier at the grocery store, we would go to another cashier or grocery store. But there are mean people in our families, on our jobs, and in our churches that we don’t want to discard as quickly.

It is noteworthy that there is a such thing as legitimate constructive feedback or criticism. This is when a person tells you something is wrong for the purpose of making things better, not to make you feel bad or to make himself or herself feel better. A friend may tell you the same thing that a mean person tells you; however, the friend tells you and then gives you time and space to process and gain clarity about the issues at hand. The friend makes sure that you understand that it is a repairable issue and that it is not personal.

Whereas a mean person keeps on telling you about your faults or how bad things are, until they have created the emotional harm of you and the emotional gratification for himself or herself that is desired. The more ashamed, guilty, defeated, in despair, and frail you feel, the more successful they feel. Nasty people hate to see you accept their criticism as simply their opinion that may or may not be correct or see it as not as important as they are making it out to be.

Ephesians 4:15 talks about speaking the truth in love. In other words, everyone who tells you that you are doing something wrong is not mean or nasty. However, there are mean and nasty ways to share the truth, and then there are loving ways to share the truth.

Motivations - Why Are Mean People So Mean?

As you try to understand where they are coming from, note the following six major motivations for a person being mean:

1. The mean person is often a hurt person. They have been a recipient of meanness and they are now protecting themselves from being hurt again, in the best way that they know how. They tend to see the world as a place where you play or get played, instead of mutual interdependency (i.e., balanced decision making and shared control).

Unfortunately, the best way they know how to deal with their hurt is to be mean. Other people who have been hurt, now hurt people in a spirit of revenge or jealousy. It is a mindset that says if I am miserable then everybody is going to be miserable - “misery loves company.”

2. The mean person has not been properly nurtured. Unloving parents and caregivers for children often plant the seeds that grow into unloving and mean people. Some mean people are mean, at least in part, because they don’t know how to be loving or nice. If they have not received it, how can they share it with others?

3. The mean person doesn’t feel good about themselves. It is not strange for them to think of themselves as inferior to others. The smaller they see themselves and the more of a threat that they see you being to their small selves, the meaner they can be towards you. Since they feel small, they often try to chop others down to be smaller than they feel about themself. In other words, a mean person attacks a victim’s self-esteem to get the victim to feel as bad about themself as the mean person feels about himself/herself.

4. The mean person may have a character disorder. In his book, In Sheep’s Clothing, George Simon explains that some people suffer more from character disorder than neurosis. To be neurotic includes being overly inhibited and suffer from unreasonable and excessive anxiety, guilt, and shame that keeps the person from taking care of themself. Neurotic people tend to draw our sympathies. We want to help them, instead of take care of ourselves.

Character disorder means, in this context, a lack of inhibition and restraint. There is a lack of guilt, shame, or anxiety. That is, they choose to lie, manipulate, and be offensive, because they want what they want “by any means necessary.” These people have no moral brakes or conscious. To various degrees, “All is fair as long as you win” is their motto.

5. Some are mean because of chemical imbalance. Thank God there are some medications to help with bi-polar like disorders. But the medicine only works if the patient takes the medicine as prescribed.

6. And then of course there is a combinational option. That is, some people are mean because of some combination of the above or perhaps an all together different issue.

The Tactics of Mean People

Here is a list of nine tactics often used by mean people. I am sure this is a partial list and that some of these tactics can be combined to form different tactics.

1. Uncertainty. Here they rarely give you a straight answer. They specialize in giving vague and uncommitted responses to your question. If they committed to an answer that would mean that you could hold them accountable. In their minds that is too much control for you to have over them, especially when they want to have control over you.

2. Projection. Here the nasty person puts what they feel on to someone else (i.e., they project their feelings). For example, the mean person who doesn’t like you says, “I don’t think you like me.”  The mean person who would take advantage of people, if they were in your position says, “I think you are taking advantage of the people.” When someone attacks you for something that you did not do, it says more about him than you.

3. Generalization. Here the mean person exaggerates the facts or lies. They make little issues into larger issues than they really are. Listen for ideas like “you are always late,” “everyone is upset with you,” or some other “always, everyone, or everything.” The intent is to create self-doubt in you. The mean person reasons that you would not be upset, if only one or two people were talking about you; but you would be very disturbed, if “everybody” was talking about you.

4. Judgment. Here the nasty person doesn’t only express their conclusion about your being right or wrong, but they give the impression that everyone else would agree with them about you being wrong. They don’t want you to feel as if you made a small repairable mistake. They want you to feel guilty. Guilt makes you feel bad and unsure, just like they want you to feel.

5. Manipulation. Here they use carrots, sticks, hope, or whatever else they can to control you with no regard for ethics, fair exchange, or consent. Their kindness comes at a heavy cost down the road. They can turn from a nice and kind person to a bully right before your eyes.

6. Sneak attack. Here they say something like “I don’t want to upset, but …” and then they upset you. They like to masquerade as truth telling and honest “friends.” From this position they are known to lie, plant seeds of self-doubt, and attack your motives for doing what you do.

7. Double meaning. A more subtle form of the sneak attack is “double meaning.” Here they say something like “You know you can never trust women around your husband. I mean I know you and your husband have a strong relationship, but I am just saying.” When you hear something like this, you should pick up on how one of the messages is “you and your husband have a strong relationship” but another message is “you can never trust women around your husband.” This is double meaning.

8. Building you up, cutting you down. Here the mean person learns what you are passionate about or highly value. They also listen carefully for any shortcomings that you are concerned about. And then they attack you in those spots. Invalidators have a way of telling you how great you are today and you began to really enjoy their appreciating your efforts in what is dear to you. But then they turn around and condemn your efforts and more damaging, they condemn your motives. It is one thing to say that you made a mistake. But it cuts deeper to say that your mistake was intentional because you had some hidden motive. They are attaching your character and inner code at this point. Anger and self-doubt are inspired by this tactic.

For example, think about Shirley telling Nicole, a person with whom Shirley is trying to build a relationship, that she was molested as a child but is finally at a point where she can see that all men are not “dogs” and the molestation was not her fault. When Nicole sees Shirley moving on with life and enjoying weekend dating with a couple of guys, Nicole starts the conversation over coffee talking about how good it is to see Shirley being so happy and confident with her life. Shirley smiles and thanks Nicole for such a meaningful compliment. However, as the conversation progresses and Nicole sees that Shirley is really enjoying her dates, while she (Nicole) has not had an enjoyable date in months, an evil spirit begins to rise up in Nicole.

Somehow Nicole switches from the supportive friend to a nasty sneaky demon. Nicole talks about how she read that victims of molestation have a pattern of not being able to keep a man for a long period of time. Furthermore, the victim may not have been much of victim because in their heart of hearts, they want to go back and please the person who molested them. And then Nicole says something like “girl you know that you cannot believe everything that you read. I am just saying. But if I were you, I would wonder how did I go from being so sad and untrusting to being such a social butterfly all of a sudden.” Can you see how Nicole has switched from building up to tearing down? Can you see how she attacks Shirley’s self-esteem and confidence?

9. The double blind. Here the mean person puts you in a “no win” situation. You are wrong if you do and wrong if you don’t. For example, think about how a husband and wife are in conflict about how much time the wife spends at church. The husband may tell the wife that she has to choose between going to church or keeping her marriage together. Do you see how going to church causes trouble at home and staying home causes trouble with the wife’s concerns with serving the Lord? This is a classic double blind situation.

Practical Tips for Accepting Your Inability to Change a Mean Person

What follows are some practical tips for actually using the material in this chapter.

1. Assess  your level of understanding acceptance, change, and definition. Give some serious thought to the material on acceptance, change, and definition. List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. On a scale of one to five, with five meaning you are doing very well and need no further effort in this area, how would you grade your level of understanding in these areas. Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

2. Assess your level of understanding motivation and tactics. Give some serious thought to the material on motivation and tactics. List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. On a scale of one to five, with five meaning you are doing very well and need no further effort in this area, how would you grade your level of understanding in these areas. Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

3. Imagine how you deal with someone with a mental illness. There are adults who are functional, but they are also mentally challenged. They can hold down a job and maintain a household with minimal supervision. But when you engage them in a conversation, it becomes obvious that they have some challenges.

This may be a helpful way to see mean people. They may have many things going well for them. They may be highly functional. But when it comes to them getting their way, they have some challenges. Think about the imagery used in passages Matthew 7:17 (i.e., wolves in sheep clothing) and Matthew 3:7 (i.e., brood of vipers).

4. Do not own their problem. If you are not careful, you will accept responsibility for complying with what the mean person wants. After you have given your best to negotiating a “win-win” interaction that is all that you can do. If the mean person is still complaining then they are the ones with a problem. We all live in an imperfect world with imperfect people.

Understand that even if you gave into the first demand of the mean person, there will be something else down the road. The problem is not the issue at hand. The problem is that they are mean. Don’t make yourself crazy trying to please them.

Take a look at Stop Feeling Guilty: A Christian Approach. This book is written to help you defend against the guilty feelings that can come from dealing with mean people.

5. Don’t be surprised that the mean person doesn’t understand and agree that they are mean. Especially as a child, I played checkers. It was humorous how when I was playing, there were moves that I did not see. But when I was observing someone else play, I saw so many good moves.

In like manner, there are those who cannot see their own meanness. They can see what is wrong with others, but they don’t see what is wrong with themselves. We will talk more about this, in the chapter on helping the mean person.

Review and Self-Examination Questions

1. What is the first step in dealing with mean people?

2.  What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, under acceptance, change, and definition?

3. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, under motivation?

4. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, under tactics?

5. How many practical tips were listed?

6. What are some of the passages of scripture referenced in this chapter?

7. From this chapter, what are three or four really important points for you to remember and apply to your step-by-step plan for dealing with the mean people in your life?

8. In addition to your book review, I would love for you to send me an email (BainesBooks@outlook.com) about your response to this chapter. This material will be considered, if the book is revised or updated. What did you enjoy the most about this chapter and what suggestions do you have for improvement (make sure you mention the title of the book and chapter, in your email)?

Conclusion

At this point, you have not only a familiarity with the pain that mean people cause, but you have also learned or remembered some key ideas about the first step in dealing with them. The first step is to accept that you cannot change a mean person. As you worked through the review and self-examination questions, you have jotted down some ideas to remember and to put into your plan of action, right? Outstanding. Let’s move on to step two. Step two focuses on self-care.

Step Two - Take Care of Yourself

“Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, 2 but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night. 3 That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—whatever they do prospers.” (see Ps. 1:1-3)

I am proud of you. You are still reading and learning how to deal with the mean people in your life. From step one - accepting that you cannot change a mean person, we turn to step two - take care of yourself. In this chapter, we will discuss understanding your weak spots, replacing unhealthy thoughts, not taking it personally, working on your discipleship, instead of becoming a mean person, and developing a positive support system to help you limit your exposure to mean people. We then focus on practical tips, before focusing on some review and self-examination questions. Your engaging the review and self-examination questions is going to play a crucial role in developing your step-by-step plan, so make sure you are reading and soul searching as you go.

Understand Your Weak Spots

The strongest person has some weak spots. The following should be kept in mind regarding your weak spots:

1. Those you value the most can cause the most harm. Those who exert the greatest impact on your sense of identity, security, status, self-worth, and sense of personal adequacy have the highest potential of being mean to you. The relationships that we count on the most and we would cry over the most, if they were destroyed, are the places where meanness can be the most painful.

Unfortunately, the people who fit this description includes family members, loved ones, those on your job (i.e., boss and co-workers), and professionals with expertise. On one hand, everyone is not out to get you. Praise the Lord. But on the other hand, those who are closest to you are the most likely to do you the most harm. Think about how those who are not close to you would be so easily dismissed. It is those you want to trust, love, and drop your guards around who are able to hurt you the most. Those you share your dreams and fears with are the ones who can destroy your dreams and breath life into your fears. Those you give permission to speak honestly to you are the ones who can use “honest advice” to actually crush you.

2. Stress is deadly. I don’t want to go on a long tangent here. However, stress is linked to so many physical problems and even death. It is so unhealthy to spend large amounts of time interacting with mean and nasty people. Here is an article on the negative impacts of stress.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-impact-of-stress/000104

3. Urgent responses may be required. Where there is physical violence or illegal activity, there is no room for negotiation. With emotional and psychological meanness, you may be able to work your way out of it. Violence or illegal activity adds urgency to your response.

Replacing Unhealthy Thoughts With Those That are Healthier

Did you know that some physical diseases are rather similar to one another and similar medicines can be used for several diseases? In like manner, some of the material in this book is similar to material presented for other difficult people. Unhealthy thoughts lead to unhealthy feelings and actions. Replace unhealthy thoughts with healthier thoughts, in the following areas:

1. Limited options. Do you think that the only thing you can do with a mean person is either be victimized by them or be mean towards them? If so, you have limited options. In reality, not only are these two options unhealthy, but you always have at least one more option. The stress of being constantly mistreated is too stressful and unfair to you. The idea of you being meaner towards a mean person than they are towards you is unlikely. Mean people have too much practice being mean for you to out do them. And if you do by chance out do them, you have to deal with your conscious and their retaliation.

The third option is to see yourself as a winner who doesn’t have to stoop to being mean. Think about how you would respond to a mentally ill person cursing at you. I would hope that you would not curse the mentally ill person out, nor would you spend days and weeks thinking about the embarrassment and pain caused by the event. You may try to reason with them. You may try to talk with their caretaker. And then at some point, you would look past the mentally ill person and move on with your day and the rest of your life, right? Well mean people have a form of illness.

Replace the unhealthy thinking that limits your options to either being a victim or a retaliator with something like the following:

“I will give serious effort to getting along with everyone. When I am confronted with someone who is being mean to me, I will not whimper like a little puppy. Nor will I strike back like a threatened cobra snake. I will calmly and assertively try to reason with the person. If that doesn’t work, I will disengage with them and consider my other options, as I enjoy the rest of my day and life.”

2. Overly intellectual. Do you think that people are basically good and only occasionally bad? Furthermore, when they are bad, do you think there is a reasonable cause for such? Do you spend days and sometimes week turning over in your head, “what did I do wrong”? If you answer "yes" to these questions you are in danger of being mistreated.

Even though the worse person has some image of God in them, all of humanity is sinful. Genesis 1:27 would be a great passage to support humanity having the image of God in them. Psalms 139:14 talks about humanity being fearfully and wonderfully made. But Romans 3:10 talks about there being not even one righteous person. And I John 1:8 talks about how even believers still have sin in their lives.

There are times when people simply choose to do wrong. They do not suffer from neurosis - excessive anxiety and guilt that prevents them from healthy decision-making. They suffer from a sinful character.

The more you try to understand why sinners sin, the more self-doubt, anger, or sadness the mean person can plant in your spirit. At some point, what happened is more important than why it happened. Think about someone shooting you. Whether it was by accident or intent, once you are shot, you are shot.

Replace the unhealthy concept of over analyzing (i.e., Jay Carter calls this introverting) with something closer to the following:

“I will be a reasonable person. However, I will also work to make sure that I don’t develop 'analysis paralysis.' I will work to make sure that I don’t over think the situation. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and flies like a duck then I will treat it as a duck, not matter what the duck says. I will trust God to help me see what I need to see and do what I need to do.”

3. People pleasing. When you have an excessive sense of being responsible for the welfare and happiness of others, you set yourself up to be mistreated. If you are not careful, you can become virtually addicted to the approval and pleasing of others. This “people pleasing” mindset can be the product of an overly controlled childhood.

Instead of this unhealthy thinking, develop a mindset that is closer to the following:

“I want to and will give serious effort to loving others and then trust God with the results. I believe that God wants me to be a loving personality (see Jn. 13:34-35). However, I determine what my ‘serious effort’ is, not the person I am trying to love or others. And God has a long track record of taking little and doing much.”

4. Approval and acceptance. When you feel as if you must earn the approval and acceptance of all others, you are an easy victim. When you feel like you need to avoid criticism, rejection, and abandonment at all cost, you are setting yourself up to be taken advantage of.  Mean people are known for letting you earn their approval and then taking it away, when you are too happy and surely too independent.

Learn to see yourself as OK and able to withstand the opinions and judgments of others. If the criticism is valid, try to make adjustments. If the criticism is invalid, don’t give them the satisfaction of over reacting. Eleanor Roosevelt is given credit for saying, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” I would add that the same is true regarding anger, guilt, and self-doubt.

Instead of this unhealthy thinking, develop a mindset that is closer to the following:

“It would be nice, if people approved and accepted me and my efforts. However, it is much more important for God to approve of me and my efforts. No human being satisfies all other human beings all of the time. Jesus’ hand picked Treasurer betrayed Him (see Mt. 10:4) and humans killed Him. Therefore, it is unreasonable for me to think everyone will always approve of me and my efforts."

5. Fear of negative emotions. When you feel as if you cannot survive the anger, aggression, and confrontation of another person, you are setting yourself up to be mistreated and bullied. All the mean person has to do is raise their voice or behave in some aggressive manner, and you will cave into their desires.

Furthermore, when you repress the anger that you have towards others, it is not strange for you to become depressed, as you joylessly comply with what the mean person wants. So excessive fear of the negative emotions of others both sets you up for being mistreated and experiencing depression. Remember that I John 4:4 teaches that the God who is in us is greater than the things of this world.

Replace this unhealthy thinking with something closer to the following:

“Even though I hate being in emotionally tense situations, God is able to see me through. I will do what I can in good conscious to avoid the deliberate instigation of anger, aggression, and confrontation. But I will be more committed to doing and saying what I believe God would be pleased with. If my obeying God triggers aggression in others, I will trust God to see me through it, as He has seen me through so many other bad situations in my life.”

6. Low self-reliance. When you have a pattern of self-doubt, distrusting your own judgment, and find yourself repeatedly filled with post decision regrets, you are wide open for nasty people taking advantage of you. Mean people are excessively self-reliant. They will at the drop of a hat make decisions for you. If things work, they will want credit. If things don’t work out, they will find someone else to blame.

Instead of holding on to this unhealthy thinking, move towards the following:

“I will give due diligence to making good decisions. I will seek wise counsel, when such is needed (see Pro. 15:22). I will pray and ask God for wisdom (Jm. 1:5). And at some point, I will make the best decision that I know how to make and trust God to work things out. I believe that God is working all things out for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (see Rom. 8:28), even mistakes that I may make. Making a prayerful and faith based mistake is better than being manipulated by someone who doesn’t have my best interest at heart.”

7. External locus of control. “Locus of control” is essentially how and where you attribute the cause of the things that happen or fail to happen to you. When you think that what happens or fails to happen is primarily outside of your control then mean people have a way of coming along and controlling. On the other hand, when you have an internal locus of control, you tend to avoid meanness and take responsibility for your own life.

Replace the unhealthy concept of external locus of control, with something closer to the following:

“I am responsible for much of what happens to me. I am always responsible for how I respond to what happens to me. So, I resolve to avoid being a helpless victim and work on exercising the measure of self-control that brings glory to God. What glorifies God will bring peace and joy to me.”

Instead of Taking It Too Personally, Grow From Your Pain

It is important for you to understand that mean people can be chronically and irrationally nasty. They may think that you are stupid or beneath them, but that is only their opinion, not a fact. Their opinion is based on their perception, which is bent towards negative evaluations, not on their knowing the real you. If you take their meanness too personally, you are going to drive yourself crazy. It may be easier said than done, but you are going to have to learn how to let their toxic attacks roll off of you like rain rolls off of a windshield.

Normal people tend to do wrong, feel guilty, take responsibility, and atone. But dysfunctional people, tend to do wrong, justify what they did, blame others, and disrespect the victim. When a normal person tries something but fails, they often try again, until they get it right or declare that it is not worth the trouble. Dysfunctional people try to do something but fail and then complain, blame, and become jealous enough to sabotage others who get it right.  Their dysfunction is not your fault.

There are levels of processing a statement. For example, think about when you are told, “You cannot do that here.” You can focus on “here,” which is the environmental level. You can focus on “that,” which is the behavioral level. You can focus on “do,” which is the abilities, skills, and knowledge level. It gets more personal, when you focus on “cannot,” the values and beliefs level. And it is very personal, when you focus on “you,” the identity level. Avoid taking things personally, especially from people who don’t know you personally.

If you have been hurt, give yourself permission to deal with your emotions. No matter how saved and mature we claim to be, when someone we care about is extra mean towards us, it hurts. Instead of denying that it hurts, give yourself permission to deal with what happened, why it happened, what you learned from it, and move on.

Give yourself 10 minutes, one hour, or one day to stew over what the person said and how they said it. Get it out of your system. I personally like to write it out on paper. When you think about why it happened, remember that just as sure as dogs bark, birds fly, and snakes bite, mean people will be mean. This is not your fault.

There is always a lesson to learn. The lesson may be to put more distance in the relationship, to terminate the relationship, or to become emotionally stronger in an area. The lesson may be to avoid being like the person in question. Some people teach you what to do and some people teach you what not to do, by their example. I have heard those who struggle with substance abuse say, “whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.”

The most important part of this point is to move on. Don’t waddle in the pain. Give yourself a deadline for moving on. Replaying the scene in your mind about what happened, feeling angry, and constantly doubting and second-guessing yourself are all counterproductive.

I like Philippians 3:12-14’s urging us to move on. It says, “12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

Take a look at the Inspiration From Psalm 23 Package. This material will give you the encouragement to get through the valleys, instead of waddling and staying in them.

Work on Your Discipleship and Avoid Becoming a Mean Person

A disciple is a follower of Christ or a mature Christian (see Lk. 9:23). You will be at your strongest point to deal with mean people, when you are strong in the Lord. When you try to deal with matters on your own, you are likely to be too lenient, too harsh, or doing the right thing for the wrong reason.

We could write another book about discipleship and maturing in the Lord. The following are some foundational issues that you must attend to:

1. Salvation. You must make sure that you have accepted Jesus as your savior by faith (see Jn. 3:16). Since all of humanity was born in sin and have sinned, and since the wages or cost of sin is death, everyone must accept Jesus as his/her savior by faith.

2. God’s word. You must spend quality time prayerfully studying God’s word (see II Tim. 3:16) with a mind to obey it. As important as corporate worship and fellowship with other believers are, you need to make time to prayerfully study a portion of God’s word on a regular basis. You need to ask the Lord to help you understand what you are reading and to live by it. A key teaching in Philippians 3:13-14 and James 1:22 is to learn and grow in obeying God’s word.

As you prayerfully study and obey God’s word, you will come across the idea of self-image and self-esteem - how you see yourself and the value you assign to yourself. From a biblical perspective, saved people are children of God with great inheritance (see Eph. 1:11). Thus, you must work on thinking, feeling, and behaving in accord with who God says that you are, instead of who mean people say that you are.

In Christ, you don’t need the flattery of nasty people (see Pro. 6:24). You really are a person of value because of your relationship with God. In Christ, there is forgiveness of our sins, which means you don’t have to allow people to mistreat you as some sort of penitence or repayment for your sins (see I Jn. 1:8-9).

3. Worship. You must spend quality time worshipping God (see Jn. 4:23-24). The more you praise and worship God, the less emotional energy you will have to be angry with mean people. The more you worship God, the less energy you will have for guilt and anxiety.

4. Service. You must spend time serving (see Eph. 2:10). If your relationship with God only moves you to read, pray, and worship, as you wait to go to Heaven, you have missed the ideas of being the salt of the Earth and light of the world (see Mt. 5:13-16). You have missed the second greatest commandment of loving your neighbors as you love yourself (see Mk. 12:29-31). Discipleship and Christian maturity must help somebody.

However, guard against thinking that you have to respond to every hard luck story (Mt 5:42; 7:6) with your last dollar and the forsaking of your own self-care. There is a difference between those who need help and those who are professional panhandlers. The need for discernment and spiritual courage to tell some people “no” should be apparent.

5. Stress management. You need to work on your stress level. God wants you to experience peace (see Phil. 4:7). Unhealthy stress levels have negative impacts on your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Some people respond to mean people by reaching a breaking point and then exploding with uncontrolled emotional outbursts. Others simply shut down and their repression often leads to depression.

You are responsible for managing your stress. Working on your discipleship will help you with your stress. Some other stress relief strategies include physical exertion, social gatherings, quiet time with loved ones, and engaging in creative endeavors.

6. Assertiveness. You may need to work on your assertiveness. If your level of assertiveness needs attention, you may want to develop a goal to increase your level of assertiveness from a 3 to a 4 on a scale of 1 to 5, where 5 means excellent. Your plan may be to read two books on the subject, write summary notes on the books, and apply the material to your life. Your plan may be to talk with two honest friends who love you enough to tell you the truth. Talk with them about where you are in your journey, what is going on, and gather their feedback based on what they see happening in your life.

7. Avoid being mean. Make sure you don’t become a mean person. If you are not careful, you will become what you despise. In her book, Who’s Pulling Your Strings: How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation and Regain Control of Your Life, Harriet B. Braiker talks about the prisoner’s dilemma or game of social domination. The essence of the material is that mean people can make being mean seem to be more profitable than being mature. After you experience enough interactions with a mean person where they win and you lose, you will become tempted to be mean as well. Even if you win a couple of transactions, the damage that you do to your spirituality and your sense of values makes playing this game too expensive. You must be willing to break the mean person’s control over you, even if it means losing the relationship.

8. Avoid treating everyone like the enemy. On one hand, you have to be careful around mean people. You cannot share your dreams and fears with everyone. A caution light should come on when a person develops a pattern of saying hurtful things to you as a “honest and truthful friend.” A caution light should go off, when you notice that the person is always listening to you but not sharing about themselves. Mean people like to keep victims around, so they can control and harm.

But on the other hand, everyone is not your enemy and out to get you. Seek discernment. Avoid paranoia and blocking everyone out. In an overreaction to mean people, you can end up blocking them and everybody else out. It is good to stop listening to them. But it is bad to stop listening to everybody. Somebody ought to be able to lovingly tell you about your shortcomings without being labeled as mean.

Develop a Positive Support System and Limit Your Exposure to Mean People

Surely an important part of working on your discipleship is Christian fellowship. However, the subject matter is so important that I want to give it special attention. First, the fellowship will provide mutual discipleship enrichment. You will be a blessing to others, and they will be a blessing to you, as you all interact with and pray for one another.

Second, it will help you be less dependent on the emotional support of those who are being mean to you. When your only source of emotional support comes from those who tear you down, it lessens your chances of considering all of your options, especially the options of putting more distance in the relationship or ending the relationship. Without other emotional support, you may reason that you would rather be mistreated in a relationship than have no relationship at all.

Your plans may include finding and developing relationships with positive people working on positive goals in their lives. Look for and join positive groups. You may even explore the idea of securing a coach or mentor for a period of time. Be clear about what you expect out of the coach or mentor - a listening ear, inspiration, or instruction. The more positivity you have in you, the less room you have for negativity and the stronger you are to fight off the negative impacts of nasty people.

You have to take responsibility for limiting how much meanness you are exposed to. Exposure includes how much time you spend with negative people, how much thought you give to what they say, and what you allow people to do and say to you.

Guarding your time can be a matter of setting a timer for how long you will talk with a mean person. It can also be a matter of not accepting appointments with them.

The amount of time you spend thinking about what mean people have said can be a matter of writing down key points that you think are worth your attention. You would then give yourself a reasonable amount of time to process anything of merit in your notes. You would then discard the notes, as a visual aid that you are finished with the material.

As for guarding what you allow people to say and do to you, remember that sometimes your silence is viewed as consent. If you don’t object to people being mean towards you, your silence may be viewed as a tacit or slight sign of consent. Even if the person doesn’t stop being mean, they will not be able to say that they did not know that you were disturbed by their behavior.

As I alluded to earlier, you can catch the mean attitude of others. Just like you have to guard yourself against germs being spread by a person who is coughing and sneezing around you, you have to guard against the germs of meanness. Learn to avoid overreacting to and learn to remove yourself from infected conversations. Don’t give them the satisfaction of messing up your day.

Think about how Psalms 1:1 talks about the blessed person not walking in the counsel of the wicked, nor standing in the way of sinners, nor sitting in the seat of mockers. II Corinthians 6:14 talks about not being unequally yoked. We have to watch our company.

Practical Tips in the Area of Self-Care

What follows are some practical tips for actually using the material in this chapter.

1. Assess your closest relationships. Give some serious thought to your closest relationships (e.g., loved ones, job, and church).  List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. Grade them on a scale of one to five, with five meaning all is well and no action is required. How would you grade the given people being mean towards you? Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

2. Assess your level of unhealthy thinking. Give some serious thought to the material on unhealthy thinking.  List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. Grade yourself on a scale of one to five, with five meaning all is well and no action is required. How would you grade your having healthy thinking in the various areas. Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

3. Assess your taking things too personally and growing from your pain. Give serious thought to the material on not taking it personally and growing from your pain. List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. Grade yourself on a scale of one to five, with five meaning all is well and no action is required. How would you grade not taking things too personally and growing from your pain? Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

4. Assess your level of discipleship and avoidance of being mean. Give some serious thought to the material on developing your discipleship and your avoidance of becoming mean. List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. Grade yourself on a scale of one to five, with five meaning all is well and no action is required. How would you grade your working on your discipleship and avoiding becoming a mean person? Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

5. Assess your support system and exposure to mean people. Give serious thought to the material on developing your support system and limiting your exposure to mean people. List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. Grade yourself on a scale of one to five, with five meaning all is well and no action is required. How would you grade your working on a positive support system and limiting your exposure to mean people? Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

6. Journal about your pain and positive intake. Keep a journal regarding your exposure to mean people and the pain that it causes you. Make note of how much time you are spending with them, how much time and energy is being given to thinking about their efforts, and most importantly how can you lessen the amount of time and energy given to this kind of stuff.

If the mean person is your boss, your spouse, or your parent, you may not be able to simply cut them off. But you may be able to find ways to lessen your time with them. You can find ways to keep their meanness from having too great of an impact on you. We will talk about this more in step four.

Keep journal notes regarding your efforts to avoid taking things too personally and growing from your pain. Make note of how some of the experiences of your day would have been taken even more personally in the past, but you have grown. Give yourself a pat on the back.

Regarding your pain, make sure you write down what happened, why you think it happened, what lessons you learned, and your commitment to move on. Keep moving through the valley; don’t take up residency there (see the Psalm 23 Package)

Keep journal notes regarding your efforts to build a more positive attitude and support system. Setting goals, developing plans, carrying out the plans, and monitoring your actions, responses, and tweaks can prove to be very helpful.  Make sure regular worship, prayer meeting, and Bible study are in your plans.

7. 30 Day Challenge. Do a 30 day challenge on one of your weak spots (i.e., one of the trouble areas for which you graded yourself a 3 or below). Essentially, you identify a weak spot of yours that you want to work on. Give yourself some type of grade for where you are today and where you realistically want to be in 30 days. Develop your plans, which should include a daily journal entry and consulting with trusted advisors to help you with your initial and 30 day assessments as well as give you helpful feedback along the way.

Thirty days is a manageable step in the right direction. It gives you enough time to develop some good habits. But it is not so long that you give up because you have grown bored or overwhelmed. Here is a link to more information on 30 day challenges.

Review and Self-Examination Questions

1. What is the second step for dealing with mean people?

2. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, under understand your weak spots?

3. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, under replacing unhealthy thinking?

4. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, under instead of taking it too personally, grow from your pain?

5. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, under work on your discipleship and avoid becoming a mean person?

6. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, under develop a positive support system and limit your exposure to mean people?

7. How many practical tips were listed?

8. What are some of the passages of scripture referenced in this chapter?

9. From this chapter, what are three or four really important points for you to remember and apply to your step-by-step plan for dealing with the mean people in your life?

10. In addition to your book review, I would love for you to send me an email (BainesBooks@outlook.com) about your response to this chapter. This material will be considered, if the book is revised or updated. What did you enjoy the most about this chapter and what suggestions do you have for improvement (make sure you mention the title of the book and chapter, in your email)?

Conclusion

At this point, you have learned or remembered some key ideas about the second step in dealing with mean people. The second step is to take care of yourself.  As you worked through the review and self-examination questions, you have jotted down some ideas to remember and to put in your plan of action, right? That is very good. Let’s keep moving. Step three is about helping the mean person.

Step Three - Try to Help the Mean Person

“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently.” (see Gal. 6:1)

You should really feel good about yourself. You have been reading, thinking, and following through with your concerns regarding how to deal with mean people. In this chapter, we move from self-care (i.e., step two) to helping the mean person. In this chapter, we will discuss setting a great example, communicating your displeasure with the person’s meanness, and hearing the person out with empathy. We will then discuss helping them develop alternatives and supporting them, being strong, and practical tips in the area of helping them. Finally, we will focus on some review and self-examination questions. Your engaging the review and self-examination questions is going to play a crucial role in developing your step-by-step plan, so make sure you are reading and soul searching as you go.

Set a Great Example

One of the reasons that the self-care of step two is so important is because it gives you the power to carry out step three’s concern with setting a good example. The best way to change the mean person is to stop rewarding them, by giving them what they want - power and control.

If you are a mean or weak person, you will have an extremely slim chance of helping a mean person change for the better. The hope of your great example is to inspire them to be as healthy as you are. You need to work on being calm and kind. Smiles, open posture, greetings, and polite language (e.g., please, may I, and thank you) still go a long ways.

Think about how I Peter 3:1-2 and Matthew 5:13-16 applies to the idea of being a great example. I Peter 3:1-2 says, “Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.” Similar to how a wife’s example may influence her husband’s coming to the Lord, your example may influence others to behave more positively.

Matthew 5:13-16 says,  “13 “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot. 14 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” Similar to how salt and light ought to have a positive impact on what is around them, your example should have a positive impact on mean people.

You need to work on modeling how to deal with conflicts in a healthy way. Healthy conflict resolution includes dealing with the problem without attacking the people. It includes keeping our words and body language in supportive postures, instead of antagonistic or aggressive postures. You can be right about your point, but your word choice and or your tone makes it difficult to agree with you. We could write another whole book about how to handle conflict in a healthy way. The point here is that to be a great example doesn’t mean you have no conflicts and no problems in your life. It means that you model how to handle conflicts and problems in a healthy way.

I like the idea of highlighting or mentioning three positive ideas for every negative idea that must be addressed. Model how to be loved, respected, and in control without being mean.

Communicate Your Displeasure With the Person’s Meanness

I understand that it may be difficult, but it is often necessary to tell the nasty person that you do not appreciate what they are doing. Find the best time and do the best that you can.

You may want to use a little humor, if you think that it will help. You may write a note and let them know that you are available to discuss the note with them. Do what you have to do, but you don’t want to be guilty of giving any form of consent with your silence.

If this is a close and essential relationship, make it clear that you see them as bigger than their mean behavior and that you love or respect them. Talk to them about how you regret having to have this conversation, but you felt it was necessary to address the behaviors that are bothering you, so the relationship could be saved. Communicate that you want a relationship that both of you like, respect, and trust.

Remember that invalidators hate being wrong and hate even more being told that they are wrong. However, with love, you can sometimes find the right way to speak with them.

Be prepared to be specific. Don’t generalize. Try to have three examples of the point that you are making. Aim for the positive that you want, instead of the negative that you want to avoid. Try using the following formula: When you do (a-behavior), I feel (b-emotion), if you (c-alternative behavior), I would feel (d-emotion).

Here are two examples, “When you criticized me in public on (date), I felt embarrassed and angry. If you would give me constructive feedback about what I am doing wrong in private, I would feel more willing to give 110%.”

“When you said ‘no one ever does anything for me’ on (date), it made me feel as if you were trying to make me feel guilty enough to do something for you. I felt angry, because I have done some things for you like (example). If you would simply ask me for what you want, I would feel as if we are having a transparent conversation, instead of a manipulative one.”

Stating two agreeable ideas before your proposal can be helpful. For example, “We both want to do a good job, right? We both want to enjoy our time together, right? Well, when you … (see above)” Especially in a work environment, you may want to put things in writing.

And you also want to guard against doing too much explaining. Mean people love to have “discussions,” because it gives them opportunities to use what you say against you and to have you feeling unsure, guilty, or angry. Prayerfully make your point and learn to leave them with what you believe is your clear intent.

When you are sharing your thoughts, it is important for you to be assertive but not hostile or sarcastic. Use “I” statements. Talk about what you believe, see, and feel. You don’t know what they meant and or tried to do.

With Empathy Hear Them Out

As for empathy, try to put yourself in the mean person’s position. You may ask yourself, “What happened to make this person behave like this”? Hopefully, this will allow you to feel at least a little sympathy for the person, instead of simply being annoyed. Mean people are often hurt and threatened people. They are mice masquerading as roaring lions. Only when they are happy will they stop trying to hurt you. Be careful with word selection and tone. You want to understand, not give them something else to complain about like your words or tone.

It is noteworthy that some mean people are genuinely unaware of their being mean. They would say they are acting the way they have always been acting. It is possible that they learned some bad habits as a child and have practiced them so long that meanness comes naturally.

If a mean person is ego-congruent - being mean fits into the way that they consciously think of themselves - then a shift in outcome is needed to produce a change in them. In other words, as long as meanness works, they will keep on being mean. Helping them see that their meanness is causing harm is not likely to produce much change on their part. They may reason that you should simply comply quicker and stop causing yourself so much harm. I don’t know if I should smile, be angry, or sad about that last sentence.

If a mean person is ego-incongruent - being mean is contrary to the way that they consciously think of themselves - then increased insight and awareness of what they are doing may be helpful. In other words, this person may be willing to work on being less mean and more respectful, if they see that being mean is incongruent with the respectful and loving person they want to be. People can change with understanding and willingness to change. Some can count up the cost of losing their ability to relate to people and change.

In both cases (i.e., ego-congruence and ego-incongruence) there is a need to have an honest conversation to both let them know how their actions or inactions are impacting you and so you can determine your next steps.

Help Them Develop Positive Alternatives and Support Them

Do what you can to get the mean person to shift from a “win-lose” mindset (i.e., where they win and you or someone else loses) to a “win-win” mindset (i.e., both sides win). There will be times when there is a “no deal.” If a “win-win” cannot be negotiated then a “no deal” means that the parties will not settle for either or even both parties losing.

Use questions to empower them, instead of giving statements and recommendations. When they adopt your recommendation and your recommendation doesn’t work out, they tend to hold that as evidence against your “win-win” philosophy.

If they appear to be unable to come up with alternatives, use questions like “Have you considered option 1, option 2, or option 3”? This empowers them to choose what they want to do. This is a better question than “Have you considered option 1”? This latter question lends itself to them saying that it was your idea to which they simply said “yes.”

When you get the mean person to commit to doing something constructive, give them positive encouragement and support. Let them know that you knew that they could come up with a good idea. Encourage them to follow through on their ideas.

Especially, if being supportive and encouraging doesn’t come easy for you, study and practice healthy ways of doing such. Reading helpful material, talking with people who do well with being supportive, and practicing what you have learned will be of great benefit to you. Galatians 6:1 talks about helping the weak. The text says, “Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently.”

Be prepared for this to take awhile. If a person has a pattern of thinking and behaving that has grown comfortable to them over a number of years, you ought not think that they will turn into a positive growth oriented person in one or two conversations. Each person is different, and it depends on how emotionally charged the issues at hand are.

Be Strong

Remember from step one that you cannot change a mean person. And taking responsibility for pleasing them, in spite of the harm that they cause you, is not sustainable. If you give into their demands and cunning tactics, you enable them to continue to grow in their manipulative ways, which by extension means you are enabling them to be manipulative to you and others.

You have heard the saying that “The squeaky wheel gets the oil.” Well I am saying, “Don’t over oil the squeaky wheel.” This enables the squeaky wheel to keep on squeaking for and receiving disproportionate attention, while other wheels that need and deserve oil are neglected.

Brace yourself for a great deal of resistance. Courageously trust passages like Romans 8:28, which states, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” When feelings of guilt start to creep in, remember the Stop Feeling Guilty Book. When you are getting weak, remember the Psalm 23 Package.

Practical Tips in the Area of Helping Mean People

What follows are some practical tips for actually using the material in this chapter.

1. Assess your level of being a great example. Give some serious thought to the material on being a great example. List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. On a scale of one to five, with five meaning you are doing very well and no action is required, how are you doing in this area? Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

2. Assess your level of communicating your displeasure with the mean person’s actions. Give some serious thought to the material on communicating your displeasure with the person’s meanness. List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. On a scale of one to five, with five meaning you are doing very well and no action is required, how are you doing in this area? Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

3. Assess your level of hearing the mean person out with empathy. Give some serious thought to the material on hearing the person out with empathy. List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. On a scale of one to five, with five meaning you are doing very well and no action is required, how are you doing in this area? Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

4. Assess your level of helping and supporting the person’s development of alternatives. Give some serious thought to the material on helping and supporting the person’s development to alternatives. List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. On a scale of one to five, with five meaning you are doing very well and no action is required, how are you doing in this area? Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

5. Assess your level of being strong. Give some serious thought to the material on being strong. List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. On a scale of one to five, with five meaning you are doing very well and no action is required, how are you doing in this area? Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

6. Seek advice. After you understand the real issues, you may want to talk to colleagues about possible alternatives for the “situation.” Try not to mention the person’s name. You may need to talk with colleagues who are not too close to the particular situation at hand. These conversations can help you think of positive alternatives for the given problem. Proverbs 11:14 talks about the value of seeking wise counsel. The text says, “For lack of guidance a nation falls,
but victory is won through many advisers.”

Review and Self-Examination Questions

1. What is the third step?

2. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, under setting a great example?

3. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, under communicating your displeasure?

4. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, under hearing the person out with empathy?

5. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, under helping the person develop positive alternatives and supporting them?

6. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, under being strong?

7. How many practical tips were discussed?

8. What were some of the scriptures referenced in this chapter?

9. From this chapter, what are three or four really important points for you to remember and apply to your step-by-step plan for dealing with the mean people in your life?

10. In addition to your book review, I would love for you to send me an email (BainesBooks@outlook.com) about your response to this chapter. This material will be considered, if the book is revised or updated. What did you enjoy the most about this chapter and what suggestions do you have for improvement (make sure you mention the title of the book and chapter, in your email)?

Conclusion

At this point, you have learned or remembered some key ideas about the third step in dealing with mean people. The third step is to try to help the person. As you worked through the review and self-examination questions, you have jotted down some ideas to remember and to put in your plan of action, right? You are doing super. Let’s look at the last step. Step four focuses on coping with chronically mean people.

Step Four - Coping With Chronically Mean People

“Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.”

(see Mt. 7:6)

Take a bow and pat yourself on the back. You have made it to the last of the four steps for dealing with mean people. In this chapter, we move from trying to help the person to simply coping with chronically mean people. We will discuss accepting them, setting your boundaries, negotiating win-win situations, responding to what the mean person does, fighting off their tactics, and cutting them off. We will then look at some practical tips in the area of coping, before focusing on some review and self-examination questions. Your engaging the review and self-examination questions is going to play a crucial role in developing your step-by-step plan, so make sure you are reading and soul searching as you go.

Accept Them

Think about how you want people to accept you for who you are. Hopefully you are a positive and growth oriented person, at least in your eyes. In like manner, the mean person wants and deserves to be accepted. Just like there are dogs, cats, birds, and fish, there are mean people as well.

Something that may help you accept them is to be thankful to God for your not being like them. Sometimes we need to see how bad things could be to appreciate things being as well as they are. If everyone was positive, open minded, and growth oriented then you would not know what to do with yourself. And if you think about it, there was probably a time when you were not as positive as you are today. You have grown to this point, by the grace of God. Remember that some people teach us what not to do and be, by their example.

Another thing that may help with your acceptance of a mean person is to work on objectifying their comments. Some may say, “Consider the source.” In other words, when a mean person is mean, you ought not be surprised. Mean people are mean, that is why we call them mean. Therefore, for you to get upset about them being mean makes about as much sense as being upset about a dog barking, rooster crowing, or a snake hissing. I like this quote attributed to William James, “The art of being wise is the skill of knowing what to overlook.”

As suggested earlier, imagery may be helpful. Think about how John picture the Pharisees as vipers (see Mt. 3:7), Jesus talked about unreceptive people as dogs and pigs (see Mt.7:6), and our Lord pictured obedient believers as sheep and prepared virgin brides (see Mt. 25:31-40, 1-13).

Especially, if you have never tried it, this may sound like a very crazy idea. However, it can be rather helpful. If you pictured the person as a three year old or being mentally ill, you would lessen your expectations of them and increase your tolerance of the person. Attitude illness is not far from mental illness.

If you want to have a little fun, think of the nasty person with Mickey Mouse ears or something silly. The silly image can help distract you from their sneaky ways. Imagine yourself having a force field around you (can you tell I like Star Trek) or a bullet proof glass around you that protects you from their emotional influence.

Think of them being annoying flies or gnats that are often unworthy of your undivided attention. Picture them as black and white prints in small frames next to your positive alternative, which is a full color print in a large frame. Picture them as your teachers (i.e., teaching you how to be more patient) or testimonies (i.e., when you get pass this, you will be stronger), instead of your enemies. Experiment and do what works for you in this area.

Set Your Boundaries

You are responsible for what you will and will not tolerate. Here are five ideas to consider.

1. Urgent matters. You should not accept excuses for a person causing you or your loved one physical harm. If there is illegal activity and/or abuse involved, you probably need to be talking with the police or at least a counselor.

2. Your priorities. Do some serious soul searching about what is most important to you and what is not all of that important to you. Given your list of priorities and your agenda, determine what you will tolerate and what is too much for you to tolerate. Some battles are not worth fighting right now, but some are.

Here are some examples. If your spouse uses the silent treatment to get the amount of sex that he wants, but he still pays all of the bills, you may want to stay with him a little longer. If the wife keeps bringing up the husband’s past financial decisions that turned out bad, as a way to gain more control over the finances of the marriage, and she is contributing most of the money, you may want to stay with the relationship and keep trying to find a happy medium.

3. The announcement. After you have prayerful come up with boundaries, it may be time to announce them to the mean person in your life. Here are some examples. You may announce that you will come to the family reunion every other year, you will not make coffee for the office anymore, or you will serve with the Ushers on the first and third Sundays only. Brace yourself for their push back.

As you talk with the mean person, do what you can to communicate that you have needs that may be different from the mean person’s, but your needs are not wrong. Share your desire to keep and strengthen the relationship, but the current dynamic is not working for you.

4. Desensitization. I owe this strategy to Harriet B. Braiker, in Whose Pulling Your Strings. The idea is to use deep breathing and recollection of at least three times that the mean person influenced some negative emotion in you (e.g., guilt, self-doubt, anger, fear). Use a recording device to talk into about the episodes. While doing your deep breathing, listen to the episodes and talk to yourself about how you are experiencing negative feelings, “but you can tolerate it.”

Do this twice a day for a week or two.  This helps you stop overreacting to the mean person’s efforts to get you off balance. The idea is to convince yourself that you are tough and strong enough to handle what the mean person may throw at you.

5. Limit your interaction. There are several major ways to limit interaction with mean people. One way includes simply spending less time with them. This may mean fewer coffee breaks together, fewer lunches together, fewer shopping trips, and surely much fewer gripe sessions. In a work environment, it may include a timed agenda that restricts how much time can be spent on a single agenda item, which means there is not but so much time they can complain. In this area of thought is the idea of setting an amount of time for your conversation with the mean person or setting a time when you will have to leave.

A second major way of limiting your interaction is to create physical distance between you and the person. Try to move your desk at work. Sit in a different place at church. If you all are living in the same home, you may spend more time in another room without them, instead of being in the same room being infected with all of their mean vibes.

A third way of limiting your interaction is to interact with the person in a group. Instead of a direct one-on-one interaction, dilute the interaction, by adding others. It is amazing to me how there are some people who will be mean to you but will hold their tongue around others.

And a fourth idea under limiting your interaction is to limit your emotional interaction. Learn how to talk with them about simply the facts. Stay away from topics that lead to tension. Stop trying to explain and get them to understand. Can’t you see that this simply leads to your feeling worse? When conversation is necessary, get them to talk about themselves. It is safer to get them to talk about themselves than for you to disclose anything about yourself.

Negotiate Win-Win Situations

As you interact with the mean person, always try to broker a win-win situation. Work on genuinely saying things like, “I understand that you want ---, right? I want ----. Let’s try to find a third way, flip a coin, or a your turn and then my turn approach.

It is important to make direct requests of manipulative people. And then you must respectfully but assertively require direct responses. Without a direct response, the manipulator can easily say they never agreed to the terms that you thought were understood.

The following are some helpful passages of scripture to keep in mind:

Romans 12:21

“Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

James 1:19-20

“19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”

Proverbs 15:1

“ A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Romans 12:18

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

Respond to What the Mean Person Does

If they do what they said they would do, thank them. Think of this as a deposit in their trust account.

However, if the person doesn’t do what they said they would do then you need to respond appropriately. You want to make sure there was agreement on the expectations, that the expectations were reasonable, and that there were no extenuating circumstances that prevented the expectations from being carried out. Given the mean person has simply failed to do what they said they would do that is a withdrawal from their trust account.

In most cases, you will have to at very least make the person aware of what happened and how it made you feel. Avoid talking about the other person’s intentions. You cannot read minds. Talk about what did or did not happen, in spite of the agreement.

Work on being tactful. Don't give into angry outbursts. While they are blowing up, say "your idea sounds reasonable (i.e., assuming it sounds reasonable)." If the idea doesn’t sound reasonable, you may try something like "I appreciate your enthusiasm. Are you willing to discuss our next steps?" Learn to listen to what is said and filter out how it is said.

Don’t make threats. Do what you say you are going to do. When you say you are going to do something and don’t, it hurts your credibility. Doing what you said you would do is going to be much more effective than saying what you are going to do over and over again.

Fight Off Their Tactics

When discussing step one, we talked about nine tactics a mean person is subject to use. Here are some suggestions about how to fight through some of the more popular ones.

1. Rushed decisions. Fight off their rushing you to make a decision. One of the popular tactics of nasty people is to rush their victim into making decisions, before they have taken a proper amount of time to consider the issues at hand. Learn how to communicate the following: “I understand what you want me to do, but your --(anger, rushing me, crying, etc.)-- is not going to be effective. I will get back with you on this, after I have considered the matter.” This is often a good time to walk away, if it is a work environment that allows such. If you cannot walk away, it is a good time to change the subject.

Sometimes it may be helpful to put a person on hold or walk away for a minute, when you find yourself becoming angry, feeling guilty, or feeling some kind of negativity about being disrespected.

Additionally, learn how to do what you said. Take the needed time to make a sound decision. When the mean person presses for an answer, as nicely as you can, remind them that you need more time to consider and you will get with them when you have an answer. Don’t do much more explaining, because that is likely to lead to something else to argue about.

2. Assumption statements. Fight off assumption statements. Mean people don’t like to ask questions, because they lose control of the conversation. They say stuff that essentially means that they can read your mind and intentions. Don’t chase after their assumptions.

3. Lying. Fight off the manipulator’s lying, by clarifying the facts. Calmly and politely ask for help with your confusion. Talk about how you don’t recall the facts as the manipulative person has presented them. Don’t be surprised by their selective memories.

An idea that fits in this area is that some people start false rumors to get you to disclose your business. Be careful about defending yourself against unknown attackers. This tactic of spreading false rumors to see how you will respond is a combination of assumption statements, “the people said,” and lying.

4. Getting you upset. Fight off the temptation to respond with emotional imbalance.  Don’t chase after those who use emotional outbursts (e.g., crying, screaming, sorrow, etc.) as their means of control. Establish and maintain boundaries like you should with teenagers. Work on responding to their “drama” with calm, rational, and concise responses.

It is important for you to learn how to emotionally disengage to keep from enabling the mean person’s attack. Learn how to redirect your mind and if possible walk away. Proverbs 14:29 says, “Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly.”

Cut Them Off

I know that this may be very painful for you. However, sometimes the best thing to do is to cut your losses and adjust to the new reality, before you waste more time and energy, on something that is not working for you. If the person in question is not in your inner circle or among your significant relationships, this may be rather simple. If you can choose between a mean server at the restaurant or a positive one, choose the positive one. No big deal.

However, there are times when those in your inner circle and significant relationships are the chronically mean ones. Here I would caution you to be very prayerful about cutting them off, especially with family.

Sometimes a good amount of distance with the ability to call one another, when one needs the other, is a better option than a total cut off. Time can bring about a change. People can change, if they have a strong enough reason to do so.

There is a stronger case for cutting people off, when mean words become abusive actions towards you or those you love. But even when cutting a person off, there should be an openness to receive him/her back, if they change.

You deserve a life that is free from people being mean to you. John 10:10 teaches that Jesus came that you might have life and that more abundantly.

Remember in I Corinthians 5:6-7 a man is expelled from the church. But in II Corinthians 2:5-11, he is received back, after he apparently repented or turned from his sins. So cutting a person off is to last for as long it takes for the person to repent. If the mean person never repents then they may stay cut off. However, it is because of their lack of repentance, not because of your grudge or unwillingness to reconcile.

In addition to making sure you are saved, faithful in worship, prayer meeting, and Bible study, you should pray for discernment and wisdom. Pray for the Lord to give you the ability to know what to do and when to do it. James 1:5 teaches that we can ask God for wisdom and He will supply.

Practical Tips in the Area of Coping With Chronically Mean People

What follows are some practical tips for actually using the material in this chapter.

1. Assess your level of accepting them. Give some serious thought to the material on accepting the person. List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. On a scale of one to five, with five meaning you are doing well and there is no need for action, how would you grade yourself in this area? Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

2. Assess your level of setting your boundaries. Give some serious thought to the material on setting your boundaries. List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. On a scale of one to five, with five meaning you are doing well and there is no need for action, how would you grade yourself in this area? Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

3. Assess your level of negotiating win-win situations. Give some serious thought to the material on negotiating win-win situations. List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. On a scale of one to five, with five meaning you are doing well and there is no need for action, how would you grade yourself in this area? Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

4. Assess your level of responding to what the mean person does. Give some serious thought to the material on responding to what the mean person does. List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. On a scale of one to five, with five meaning you are doing well and there is no need for action, how would you grade yourself in this area? Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

5. Assess your level of fighting off their tactics. Give some serious thought to the material on fighting off their tactics. List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. On a scale of one to five, with five meaning you are doing well and there is no need for action, how would you grade yourself in this area? Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

6. Reflect on cutting them off. Write a short paper describing to a trusted friend how you have done your best with all four of the steps for dealing with mean people (i.e., acceptance of your inability to change them, self-care, tried to help, and coping) and the top five reasons why you want to cut them off, instead of simply placing some distance between you all with the possibility of a closer relationship down the road. Now, read the paper as if a trusted friend gave it to you for your advice. Does it add up? Or does it sound like the “positive and growth oriented person” is burning the house down to get rid of a rat?

Review and Self-Examination Questions

1. What is step four?

2. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, under acceptance?

3. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, under setting your boundaries?

4. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, under negotiating win-win situations?

5. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, responding to what the mean person does?

6. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, fighting off their tactics?

7. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, cutting them off?

8. How many practical tips were listed?

9. What are some of the passages of scripture referenced in this chapter?

10. From this chapter, what are three or four really important points for you to remember and apply to your step-by-step plan for dealing with the mean people in your life?

11. In addition to your book review, I would love for you to send me an email (BainesBooks@outlook.com) about your response to this chapter. This material will be considered, if the book is revised or updated. What did you enjoy the most about this chapter and what suggestions do you have for improvement (make sure you mention the title of the book and chapter, in your email)?

Conclusion

At this point, you have learned or remembered some key ideas about the fourth step in dealing with mean people. The fourth step is to cope with the chronically mean person. As you worked through the review and self-examination questions, you have jotted down some ideas to remember and to put in your plan of action, right? You are doing a phenomenal job. It is about time to start putting all of the pieces together. Your customized plan is the focus of the next chapter.

Your Customized Step-by-Step Christian Plan for Dealing With Mean People

You deserve a high five. Many people buy books, but few read them until the end. You have come through all of the conceptual material to where the rubber really meets the road. In this chapter, we move from the four general steps for dealing with mean people to your “why statement,” 30 day challenge, and then journaling and accountability partners. We finally get to your personal and customized step-by-step plan for dealing with the mean people in your life.

I would recommend that you re-read this book and make sure you have given enough energy to the review and self-examination questions. Your answers to these questions will serve as the building material for your plan.

Your “Why Statement”

Think about passages like Nehemiah 4:6 and Psalm 27:13-14. In Nehemiah, the people were able to build the wall so quickly, because they had a mind to work. They had a strong enough “why” to endure the hardships of their day. In Psalm 27, David was able to endure his hardships, because he believed that the Lord was near and working things out for him. David’s “why” was strong enough for him to face enemies, armies, and foes.

When you have a strong enough motivation, rationale, or “why,” it is amazing what you can endure. Soldiers have been known to continue to fight, in spite of being wounded, because they were so committed to winning or at least giving their best to defending their fellow soldiers and country. Athletes have played through injuries, because of their commitment to winning or at least giving their best. Parents have endured all kinds of hardships, so their children can have a chance to make something of themselves.

Develop a compelling “why statement.” Why do you want to improve the way you deal with mean people? Is it so you can enjoy your work environment more? Is it so you can enjoy your church life more? Is it so you can enjoy a family member more? Is it so you can stop feeling so used and angry, after you interact with the mean person? The more compelling your “why statement” the more likely you are to exceed your 30 day challenge goals.

SMART Goals

SMART is an acronym that stands for specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-bound. In regard to dealing with mean people, one of your goals may be to have a conversation within the next seven days with a specific friend about how her meanness is impacting you and your relationship with her. This is a much better goal than to talk with one of my friends about her being so mean.

30 Day Challenge

The idea behind a 30 day challenge is to make a commitment to pursue your goals and plans for 30 days. In 30 days, you will be surprised how much progress you can make by doing something every day to reach your goal. I have a framed reminder in my office that a person can eat an elephant, if they take it one bite at a time. This challenge urges you to take one bite a day for 30 days.

Thirty days is manageable. It gives you enough time to develop some habits and make some strides in the right direction. On the other hand, if the work gets hard or boring, you can usually suffer through for the remainder of the 30 days.

So as it relates to your dealing with mean people, you want to develop goals and plans in the areas of acceptance, self-care, trying to help, and coping. From one 30 day challenge you evolve into another. If on day three you find your goal to be too easy or too difficult, you can change. If you discover your plan to reach your goal is faulty or you have discovered a better way, you can change the plan. No one is going to chastise you for changing the details. However, you owe it to yourself to carry out the spirit of your goals and plans for at least 30 days, as a step towards your ongoing plan for dealing with the mean  people in your life. Click here for a site that gives great information about 30 day challenges.

Journaling and Accountability Partners

Journaling is simply a matter of making a regular note in a notebook or in your electronic device regarding how you are coming with carrying out your plan and reaching your goals. I recommend at least a daily entry for your first 30 day challenge and then you can phase down to every other day, but you never want to have less than a weekly entry during your first year of work.

The following is an example of a journal entry:

Wed. 12/18/13. Marvin (i.e., the mean person) and I worked on a job project today. He began to be mean to me by suggesting that I was slowing things down with all of my questions. I told him I didn’t appreciate where the conversation was going. I asked, “Are we going to argue or can we stay on task”? With what I thought was gritted teeth, he agreed that we should stay on task. He answered my questions, and we got the job done. I felt pretty good about the exchange.

An accountability partner is simply a trusted friend with whom you can talk to about your journey. I think one partner is enough. This person’s job is to hear you and keep you mindful of your goals, plan, and “why statement.” He/she does not need to preach to you or condemn you, just support you and help you see how what you are reporting relates to what you said you would do. At some point, an email or text may be an appropriate way to stay in touch. Initially, however, you want to have a face-to-face and then daily phone calls for the first week or so. These contacts can be about five minutes or so, after the initial agreement and first couple of contacts.

Take Pictures

Picture the specific mean people in your life. Also picture mean people in general that you are likely to encounter. Keep these images in mind, as you go through the following exercise.

Your Plan

Step One: Accept That You Cannot Change a Mean Person

With the pictures mentioned above in mind, and your notes from step one, what are you committed to doing in this area over the next 30 days?

Step Two: Take Care of Yourself

With the pictures mentioned above in mind, and your notes from step two, what are you committed to doing in this area over the next 30 days?

Step Three: Try to Help the Mean Person

With the pictures mentioned above in mind, and your notes from step three, what are you committed to doing in this area over the next 30 days?

Step Four: Coping With Chronically Mean People

With the pictures mentioned above in mind, and your notes from step four, what are you committed to doing in this area over the next 30 days?

Here is an example of a step-by-step plan for dealing with mean people. This is an example for you to add to, subtract from, and modify. The intent is not for you to simply follow this plan.

Introductory Step

- Talk to three close friends within the next seven days about being an accountability partner for me as I take this 30 day challenge. Choose one.

- Secure my journal today.

Step One: Accept That You Cannot Change a Mean Person

- Make an affirmation within the next three days that includes the sentiment that I cannot change anyone.

Step Two: Take Care of Yourself

- My goal is to move from my current grade of 3 out of 5 to 4 out of 5, with 5 being “excellent,” in the area of my feeling comfortable with my self-care. I want to do this by the end of my 30 day challenge.

- Within the next seven days research what positive groups are available to me and choose one to experiment with within the next 21 days.

- Make self-care a part of my affirmation that is to be completed within the next three days.

Step Three: Try to Help the Mean Person

- Review the information on helping mean people within the next two days and choose two ideas from the material to try out on my specific co-worker and two for my specific church member within the next seven days.

Step Four: Coping With Chronically Mean People

- Review the information on coping with mean people within the next two days and choose two ideas from the material to try out on my specific co-worker and two for my specific family member within the next seven days.

Additionally Steps,

- Make a journal entry every day for the next 30 days.

- Make an accountability partner contact every day for the first seven days, every other day for 14 days, and at least every four days for the rest of the 30 day challenge.

- By day 25 of the challenge, prepare my thoughts for the next 30 day challenge.

Conclusion

In addition to your book review, I would love for you to send me an email (BainesBooks@outlook.com) about your response to this chapter. This material will be considered, if the book is revised or updated. What did you enjoy the most about this chapter and what suggestions do you have for improvement (make sure you mention the title of the book and chapter, in your email)?

Alright, you have made it to the end of the “plan your work, and work your plan” chapter. Let me tell you from my own experiences that the easiest thing to do is to purchase a book, read it, and think to yourself what you should do. The hardest part is actually doing it. I really urge you to take some strong steps in the right direction immediately. Do something today, something tomorrow, something for the next seven days, and then 30 days. You will be surprised how much of an elephant you can eat, if you take one bite at a time for the next 30 days.

Please don’t forget to post your review of this book on Amazon.

Book Excerpt

The following is an excerpt of my book, entitled Negative People: A Step-by-Step Christian Plan for Dealing with Complaining Emotional Vampires (Dealing With Difficult People Series, Volume 1):

Do you know people who just complain, complain, complain and then whine, whine, whine? Have you ever felt upset, discouraged, and somewhat defeated, after listening to a complaining negative person? Do you know what it means to feel as if you have been bitten by an emotional vampire?

They may complain about their co-workers, family members, church, finances, health, or almost anything. After only 20-30 minutes of talking with them, you feel like they have sucked the life out of you. Their stubborn refusal to explore any alternatives to their negative way of seeing things and the way they dig their heels in and reject any solutions to their problems can irritate the strongest believer.

Instead of having an enjoyable exchange of ideas, you feel drained and discouraged. Instead of looking forward to seeing them and working with them in the future, there is a part of you that wants to avoid them.

Attitudes are contagious. If you spend too much time with a negative person, you may find yourself being negative. Not only do they frustrate and drain you, but they may also be able to influence others around you to become negative. Before you know it there is a negative spirit throughout the group (e.g., family, church, work group, etc.).

If that is not bad enough, if you keep talking with the negative person, nodding, and trying to be nice to them, you may become guilty by association. The word will spread that you were not only listening to negativity but that you were spreading negativity.

You may (or may not) be surprised that even God gets angry with chronic complaining. Numbers 11:1 says, “Now the people complained about their hardships in the hearing of the Lord, and when he heard them his anger was aroused. Then fire from the Lord burned among them and consumed some of the outskirts of the camp.” And Numbers 14:27 says, “How long will this wicked community grumble against me? I have heard the complaints of these grumbling Israelites.”

Since you are reading this book, I am pretty certain that you have experienced at least one or two negative people in your life. I further assume that you are reading this book because you want some advice on how to handle the negative people in your life, right? You are not alone. There are many people seeking Christian ways of dealing with the negative people in their lives.

You may be afraid of being too hard on the negative person. You don’t want to be guilty of cutting them off too soon, making the situation worse, nor do you want to be alone. The reason you are reading this book, instead of just cutting them off, is because you want to do what you can to change their behavior and save the relationship, right?

However, their constant negativity, dismantling of your dreams, influencing you to see yourself as “stupid” or unaccomplished has gotten old. Your hopes of them approving your efforts or changing into a more positive person may be all but gone. And you find yourself at least disappointed and sometimes angry with them, because after your best efforts, they still give you so little support and cooperation. At this point, you may settle for simply co-existing without so much draining and destructive negativity.

To be clear, the problem with complaining negative people is that they are too much of an emotional drain in your life and perhaps in the lives of the groups that you are in (e.g., family, church, work, community, etc.). And their attitudes are contagious, if you don’t guard against being infected by them.

The purpose of this book is to help you develop a step-by-step Christian plan for dealing with complaining negative people in your life.

This is the end of the book excerpt. If you are interested in knowing how to deal with negative people in your life and/or interested in helping others who wrestle with negative people then I recommend that you check out Negative People: A Step-by-Step Christian Plan for Dealing with Complaining Emotional Vampires (Dealing With Difficult People Series, Volume 1).

About the Author

Hello, my name is Robert Baines. I have served as a Senior Pastor for over twenty-three years. The Southern Baptist Church, in Cincinnati, Ohio, is where I currently serve. My Doctorate of Ministry Degree was earned at the United Theological Seminary, in Trotwood, Ohio. I accepted Jesus as my savior by faith over thirty-six years ago.

I am so thankful for the gift of writing. What I lack in grammar, I believe I make up for in practical Bible based wisdom. Please note that a portion of my book profits benefit youth programming and charitable causes in both America and global mission efforts.

Here are some other books that I have recently written,

Manipulative People: A Step-by-Step Christian Plan for Dealing With Liars and Controlling People

(Dealing With Difficult People Series, Volume 2)

Negative People: A Step-by-Step Christian Plan for Dealing With Complaining Emotional Vampires

(Dealing With Difficult People Series, Volume 1)

Stop Feeling Guilty: A Christian Approach

Inspiration From Psalm 23: Life Changing Messages, 23 Devotionals, and 6 Live Sermons

See all of my books at www.RobertBaines.org.

Table of Contents

Introduction

Step One - Accept That You Cannot Change a Mean Person

Step Two - Take Care of Yourself

Step Three - Try to Help the Mean Person

Step Four - Cope With Chronically Mean People

Your Customized Step-by-Step Christian Plan for Dealing With Mean People

Book Excerpt

About the Author