Turkey Broth for the Spirit: For the Theologian’s Spirit

Copyright 2010 Ester Lighthorse

DISCLAIMER: This book is a collection of divinely authored essays that have been collected and arranged by author Ester Lighthorse. After in-depth, extensive interviews with each divine author of each essay, author Ester Lighthorse insists that this book and all divinely written essays within be treated as complete and total works of fiction being as though the divine beings interviewed exhibited signs of severe mental illness and therefore out of touch with reality. While some of the names and places within the essays in this book sound familiar this should be taken as a complete coincidence, accidental, and unintended since author Ester Lighthorse was unable to ascertain from the divine beings she interviewed exactly which dimensions or parallel universes they were referring to within their works. Further, Ester Lighthorse insists that at no time should any person or persons anywhere at anytime attempt or act out any of the actions described, suggested, or mentioned in this book, or in any part of the divinely inspired, individual essays included within this book. This book is a complete fabrication, a total fairytale, a work of divinely inspired humorous fiction, and is fully intended for entertainment purposes only.

Published By:

Ester Lighthorse

Copyright 2010 by Ester Lighthorse

About the Author

Author Ester Lighthorse is a Native American writer who centers her works primarily on the use and abuse of faith, spirituality, and religion at the hands of non-tolerant, elitists, power hungry individuals. The first book of its kind, Ester hopes that by utilizing absurd claims, crude humor, outright aggression, and words from the Gods themselves  that those who read this controversial book will develop a better understanding that faith and religion are not intended to control anyone, not intended to be interpreted as points of separation, not intended to be accepted or ridiculed based on whose version of God is considered to be correct, but rather to bring everyone together.

All paths lead to God.

For many people. For many reasons.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1: Worst Products and Ideas

Chapter 2: Divine Privilege and the Perks of Wholly Holy Hypocrisy

Chapter 3: What I Would Do

Chapter 4: Worst Songs Ever

Chapter 5: Movies that Never Made it Off the Cutting Room Floor

Chapter 6: Setting the Stage for a Good Old Fashioned Riot

Chapter 7: Renovating the American Prison System

Chapter 8: Don’t Take that Leap, Don’t Get Married

Chapter 9: Buying Gifts for Recipients You Really Don’t Wish to Buy For

Chapter 10: Little Known Syndromes and Maladies

Chapter 11: Worst Movies Ever

Chapter 12: Make the World a Better Place

Chapter 13: No Other Gods Before Me

Chapter 14: Boredom

Chapter 15: Make the World a Worse Place

Chapter 16: Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

Chapter 17: Break Wind Like a Champion

Chapter 18: Preparing the Best Thanksgiving Day Feast

Chapter 19: Sonnets

Chapter 20: Worst Television Shows Ever

Chapter 21: How to Cast a Plague on Your Enemies

Chapter 22: Water Balloon Fights

Chapter 23: Survival Tips for Police Agencies

Worst Products and Ideas

By: God the Creator

In the beginning I created the heavens and the earth along with a whole bunch of other stuff. I created man and breathed life into him. I put into man a fully functioning brain that would aid him as he lived throughout eternity. However, what I should have done was give the brains to chimpanzees or lemurs or kangaroos. Why? Because man has consistently abused his brain and intelligence by creating an astonishing amount of garbage and making an equally shocking number of poor decisions.

To make things worse the few good things that man manages to create he ends up eventually damaging those as well. Here I am , thinking I am doing man a favor by giving him an organ that can hold more information than all the books in the Library of Congress times ten. What does he do with this gift? He creates some of the stupidest, most retarded, remedial, dangerous, useless, and sometimes deadly products in the known universe.

For those who happen to use their brains for what they were intended I urge you to take a good hard look at these products and do yourself a favor by staying far, far away from them. All of these products are ridiculously stupid so it really doesn’t matter what order they are in. I number them for simplicity’s sake.

1. Alarm Clocks

The stupidity of alarm clocks is so obvious. Sure, you may want to get up at the butt-crack of dawn, but that doesn’t mean everyone else in the house wants to as well. Why not fashion an electric alarm clock that connects to the individual who wishes to rise at a particular hour. When the time comes for the alarm to go off the clock releases a shock of 10,000 volts into the sleeper. Not only will that get their lazy asses up, but there is virtually no noise save for the ‘bbuuuzzzt!’ when the shock is rendered. Everyone else in the house can continue to rest peacefully.

2. Asbestos

It looks like cotton candy. How dangerous could it be?

3. Mayonnaise

Whoever invented this nastiness ought to be bitch-slapped.

4. Chewing Tobacco

Hey, let’s invent something that makes breath smell like shit. Good idea! Let’s do it!

5. Doorbells

Someone will inevitably ring your doorbell when you are sleeping or not feeling very well. Your best bet is to disconnect the doorbell from the chime and then connect it to a car battery. Should some hapless soul press upon your doorbell button…buuzzztt!!

6. Pet Rocks

So, some idiot grabs some rocks laying around outside, paints them, puts wiggly plastic eyes on them, and sells them. Apparently there were plenty of dummies out there to think the rocks were actual pets since the guy who ‘invented’ them made more than a million dollars.

7. Maxi Pad, Tampon, and Douche Commercials

How many women do you know who, when on their menstrual cycle, dress in white, pick daises, and skip along the beach? And what is the deal with the commercial where the daughter asks the mom, “Do you douche?” The level of retardation in that particular commercial is beyond reasonable measures. They might as well make a commercial where a son asks his dad, “Dad, what kind of condoms do you use?”

8. Fat-Free or Low-Fat Cheese

Why the freak would you want cheese that tastes like plastic?

9. Turn Signals on Vehicles

Why the heck have turn signals? No one uses them anyways.

10. Low-Fat Ice Cream Bars

If you feel the need to reach for low-fat ice cream sandwiches then you probably don’t need to be eating that kind of thing anyway.

11. Non-Alcoholic Beer

Doesn’t the lack of alcohol defeat the purpose of drinking beer in the first place? It is something very similar to creating and smoking doobies that don’t make you high and don’t give you the munchies.

12. Roach Spray

If scientists say that roaches can’t be killed except in case of total planetary annihilation then why manufacture the spray in the first place?

13. Pork Rinds

Okay. So, you’re going to take fat leftover from butchering the pig for meat and then fry that fat in fat and sell it. Sounds like a plan. Not a very good plan, but a plan nonetheless.

14. Weapons of Mass Destruction

I was thinking about WMDs and the utter lunacy that one would actually have to suffer from to even consider utilizing such products, much less create them. Think about these types of weapons for a moment, will you? So, warring countries will let loose a volley of weapons that will pretty much decimate everything on the planet just so that the ‘winner’ of the war can have dibs on ruling the world…or what is left of the world. You ever watch those movies where some guy kills his ex-wife or ex-girlfriend on the premise that if he can’t have her no one can? This is exactly the kind of thinking that the idiots who consider making or using WMDs have. If I can’t have your land no one can. Whatever, man. Whatever.

15. Child-Proof Lighters

Ever try to light a cigarette with one of these lighters? You can’t, can you? If you ever expect to light your cigarette before the end of the week you have to find a kid to help show you how to use the lighter.

16. Whole Grain Children’s Breakfast Cereals

Considering that sugary breakfast cereals for children with names similar to Tricked, Smoky Charmed, Frost on Flakes, and Cook’s Crisp all list their first three main ingredients as sugar, sucrose, and corn syrup making these products with whole grain will not make one shred of difference whatsoever as far as the healthiness of these cereals is concerned.

17. Toy Guns

You can go into just about any toy store and purchase a variety of toy guns from pistols to replica Tommy Guns to Rambo type machine-gun water cannons. As you probably know guns are not intended for fun and amusement. In fact, guns are manufactured with the express purpose of inflicting severe injury or even death. So, why the f#*@ would businesses that manufacture toys think it is okay or a good idea to make a toy out of something that kills? Does getting killed sound like fun?

18. Cook-Easy Ovens for Children

You know those miniature ovens you can buy for kids? The ones that make use of a high heat light bulb to cook various snacks? There is nothing easy about these little ovens. First of all, the light will burn out by the time you are ready to warm-up your third brownie. Secondly, the little spatulas that are included don’t work for crap and melt quite easily if you accidentally touch them to the light bulb. Lastly, you can almost guarantee that your kid will lose some very important part to the little oven and within a week of purchasing the stupid oven you will find it stowed neatly underneath your kid’s bed, any interest your kid had in it completely gone and focused on the next toy they want.

19. Scented Cat Litter

Is there any particular reason you want your cat’s poop to smell like flowers in the springtime?

20. Thong Underwear

Your ass does not have teeth. Therefore, it is totally unnecessary to place dental floss between your butt cheeks.

21. Scented Douches

Tell me again why you want your muffin to smell like daises?

22. Nutritional Information on Dog Food Bags

Do you really think your dog gives a rat’s ass whether or not his food has chicken, beef, rice, corn, and nineteen essential vitamins?

23. Violent Criminal Rehabilitation

Since the adjective describing the noun ‘criminal’ is ‘violent’ the term rehabilitation does not belong in the sentence, much less the subject. So, all of you bleeding-heart liberals out there who think you are saving the world save yourself some wasted time and effort by revoking education programs for these thugs. You cannot make them better or ‘heal’ their disease with education. Their disease is one of the soul.

24. Nutritional Information on Candy Wrappers

Everyone knows that candy is  not good for you, so why waste the time, the money, and the resources to put nutritional information on the wrapping?

25. Flow-Bee

This ridiculous invention made it possible for anyone to cut their own hair.

26. Helmets for Kamikaze Pilots

I wonder how much time and effort was wasted on making helmets for pilots who were never going to return from their mission? Come to think of it, why were they even wearing uniforms?

27. Political Probes and Investigations

Why even bother with political probes and investigations when you know as well as I that politicians lie about everything? Face it…politicians are not going to give you the truth so stop asking for it.

28. Tabloids

The tabloids I am talking about are the ones where Bat Boy is shown shaking hands with the president of some country, Elvis is listed as a roommate to the assassinated John F. Kennedy, a now dead Jeanne Dixon predicts who will win the next mega lottery, a hippo saves a child from drowning, and Nostradamus offers yet another depressing and hopeless fate of mankind. Now, if the crappiness of the photos is not enough to convince you of the stupidity of these tabloids then the titles of the articles ought to do the trick. Titles such as ‘Killer Bees Have Taken Over the Arctic Circle’ and ‘Stonehenge Build By Bikini-Wearing Headhunters’ and ‘Lose Fifty Pounds With New Soda Pop and Doughnut Diet’ who can take anything that the tabloids report as truth?

29. Infomercial Exercise Items

Don’t even try to sell  me some crap machine that I can stow under my bed or that will give me rippling abs in just five minutes a day.

30. Privacy Film for Computers

If you are that worried about people seeing whatever it is you are doing on the computer, well then you probably should not be doing it.

31. Medication Commercials

Have you ever listened to the side effects of these medications? With side effects such as diarrhea, loss of vision, stroke, incessant vomiting, sudden loss of bowel control, neurosis, blindness, irritability, sterility, spinal bifida, halitosis, erections that last for a week and end with permanently damaged penises, and hair loss, can you even imagine why anyone would want to use the medicine just so they can eat a gosh darn spicy hotdog or have a romp in the hay?

32. Spinner Rims

Here we have the love child of a salad shooter and a thug. Spinner rims are the epitome of ghetto.

33. Segregation

Well, who was the moron who thought this crap up? If the people who thought this crap up really want to be that separated, fine. Let’s just launch them into space and to a planet far, far away where all the stupid people with stupid ideas go. Oh, yeah. All of the assholes of the world who agree with crap like segregation can be launched into space as well.

34. Unions

Unions are like the tie bet in baccarat…solely for suckers.

35. Daylight Savings

Why? It sounds like some sort of coupon you can clip out of the Sunday paper.

36. Spanking

Sure, Mom. You just told your kids not to hit each other and then you hit them in order to get them to comply. Talk yourself out of that useless nonsense.

37. Bungee Jumping

The idea of bungee jumping being called a sport is eye-watering hilarity. The only reason bungee jumping was invented was because the inventors apparently had no real talent whatsoever to participate in real sports.

38. San Diego Chargers Drafting Ryan Leaf

Sure, the guy looked great in college, but his professional career left a whole hell of a lot to be desired. I doubt that ever before in all the annals of sports history that someone was paid so much to do so little. Every time he touched the ball it looked like he was playing hot potatoes.

39. Moving Monday Night Football to ESPN

What a very crappy thing to do. ESPN is a pay channel, so how are all the poor football fans who cannot afford even basic cable going to watch their teams play?

40. Pennies

Why invent a coin that cannot be used in vending machines?

41. Pet Potty-Pads for Potty Training

Your pet will still quite happily and contentedly crap on your carpet whether or not you have these pads.

42. Door to Door Religious Salesmen

You, too, can purchase the most up to date version on Jesus, Salvation, and the Holy Bible.

43. Single-Ply Toilet Paper

Single-ply toilet paper is only good if you poop rabbit pellets…which most people with properly functioning bowels don’t.

44. Ford Pintos

In the annals of automotive history never has there been a more infamous death trap on wheels.

45. Febreeze

The fart that just exploded from Grandpa now smells like vanilla sulfur instead of just rotten eggs, the bathroom now smells like you really do poop roses, and your shoes now smell like daises with just a hint of potato chip. Nice.

46. Chocolate Flavored Fiber Medicine or Constipation Pills

If you really have that much trouble pooping eat a bag of apples.

47. Kleenex in Casinos

I used to work in a casino. Trust me, the type of people who generally frequent these establishments do not use Kleenex, but rather use the chair they are sitting in, the floor they are walking on, or the table or machine they are sitting at as a receptacle for their boogers. If you happen to go to a casino be sure to go straight to a hospital when you leave to get inoculated.

48. Televised News

Considering that the news that is televised is more than likely about lying politicians, people killing people, plane crashes, train crashes, stock market crashes, and every other type of terrible fate befallen the folks of planet earth, why watch it? Why even put it on television?

49. Porto-Potties

I would rather crap my pants than use one of these nasty smelling boxes to poop in.

50. Magic Markers

There is absolutely nothing magic about these markers when your kid uses them on your couches, the walls of your home, or their skin and clothing.

51. Playdoh

This crap is one of the worst toy inventions for kids. Although when I think back a good ways I distinctly remember eating this stuff; it always smelled too good to pass up on a taste test. Anyways, it is easier to remove chewing gum from hair than remove this stuff from carpet…which of course is inevitably where your kids will put it.

52. Scented Garbage Bags

If you allow your garbage to get so funky that you need scented garbage bags you are a slob. That’s like having scented clothing so people can’t tell you don’t take showers.

53. Games or Toys with Many Pieces

Okay, this one is quite easy to figure out. Games and toys are supposed to be objects utilized in an individual’s or group of individuals’ quest to have fun on some level or other. When you have games and toys with a quadrillion pieces, all of them important, it takes about three nano-seconds to lose a good number of them and then no one is having fun anymore. Then to make it better when you get up from your bed in the middle of the night to use the bathroom you will undoubtedly step on one of the lost pieces (one of the sharpest pieces) and deflate your foot.

54. Noisy Kid Toys

Who are the morons who insist on creating noisy toys for kids? Everyone knows that good children are seen and not heard and everyone wants good children, right? So, it would follow out of necessary logic that toy makers should invent quiet toys for children. Some of the most annoying noisy toys for children are: Miniature guitars and other miniature musical instruments; electronic handheld games with loud music; musical baby crib toys; baby tables with a b-zillion different buttons that each emit a horrible musical tone when pushed.

55. Only Two Challenges Per Game Per Team in Professional Football Games

Only two challenges per game? What stingy bastard thought that senseless poop up? I can understand the idea of trying to cut down on the amount of useless or senseless challenges, but why not make it two challenges per half? That would be fair.

56. Excessive Celebration Penalty in Professional Football

This is hands-down one of the absolute dumbest rules in professional football. Do the people who run that sport know or even understand the huge numbers of people who watch this sport simply on the off-chance they might see any number of the players burst into hilarious celebratory dances after scoring a touchdown? One of my favorite players who I think has some of the best celebrations is the guy from the team in Cincinnati, Ohio, you know…the guy who changed his last name to a number. My favorite celebration of his is when he did the Riverdance after scoring a touchdown. I laughed till I cried.

57. Cigarettes

Why invent cigarettes? Does suffering from any number of mouth and lung cancers sound like fun to anyone?

58. Frivolous Lawsuits

If you ever get the chance to do this, go on the internet and look up the number of frivolous lawsuits that are filed each year as well as the particular reasons for these lawsuits. You will be astonished at the pure stupidity these lawsuits claim. I don’t even understand how these idiotic legal claims can even get past the legal secretary. Making things even more interesting is the fact that a huge majority of these frivolous lawsuits are filed by incarcerated individuals and often concern such ludicrous claims as not enough peanut butter on a sandwich or receiving only one cookie instead of two with dinner.

59. Fluoridated Water

Look, you did not hear it from me, but did you know that fluoride in large enough quantities can be used as a mind control mechanism?

60. Covered Cat Litter Boxes

Why? You can still smell the cat shit.

61. Leashes for Children

Children are not animals…even though some of them do behave in an animalistic manner. Therefore there is no need whatsoever to place tethers upon children as though they were quadrupeds being taken out on their daily walk.

62. Soy Hot Dogs

Eewww! Why, why, WHY? It just does not make any sense. It’s like making a stove out of Styrofoam…senseless.

63. Debt Collection Agencies

The whole idea of debt collection is stupid. The whole reason why the debt is not being paid in the first place is because the individual owing the debt does not have the money to pay what is owed. Following that line of reasoning, sending the debt to a bureau that harasses the owing individual is not going to help the debt to be paid any faster. You cannot collect that which does not exist.

64. Fiber One Cereal from the Late 1980’s

This cereal was absolutely horrible. It looked like rat pellets and tasted like crap. My dad bought this cereal all the time because he thought we liked it. What we had been doing was hiding the cereal in the cupboard above the kitchen sink every time he bought it. Then one day my dad was cleaning the kitchen and found four boxes of it above the sink…not good.

65. Espresso

If I had wanted to ingest something that tasted like crap I would have eaten the Fiber One cereal from the late 1980’s.

66. Moose Pellet Earrings

Making earrings out of the poops of a moose is about as bright of an idea as making pets out of rocks. I saw pairs and pairs of these earrings for sale at a Spokane,  Washington, airport. Some of them even had differently colored beads accompanying the moose turd. What makes this funnier is the fact that these earrings had a big sign over them that indicated that these turd earrings made great gifts. What the hell kind of person buys turd earrings to give away as a gift?

67. Going Down to the Cellar or Up to the Attic in a Scary Movie

Don’t ever go down to the cellar or up to the attic in a scary movie! You’re going to get killed if you do!

68. Laundry

The whole idea of laundry is so stupid. If scientists have the ability to invent single use sandwich baggies, single use cameras, single use plates and utensils, and single use diapers then surely they can invent single use clothing.

69. Chitterlings

Do you know what chitterlings are? They are fried pig intestines. You read that correctly…fried pig intestines. It gets better. Not only do chitterlings literally smell like shit while cooking them, but before frying these pig intestines in order to eat them you have to first clean them of the residual pig shit that once flowed through them. Sounds like a tasty treat.

70. Super Concentrated Energy Drinks

You might as well forsake the energy drink and go straight for crack or crystal methamphetamine.

71. Buying Pets as Gifts

Why in the world would you buy someone a pet as a gift (unless of course you hated that person)? Not only will the pet crap everywhere and have to be potty trained, but the recipient of the pet gift will have to continually purchase food for the animal. No sane-minded person wants to pay any amount of money in order to be able to keep a gift.

72. Super-Claw Nail Manicures

I thought that the whole idea of going to get a manicure in the first place was to make one’s nails look nice. I just don’t understand these women who go to the nail parlor and exit some time later with nails that look like the claws on a Kodiak bear. You can’t even pick your nose with nails like that because you will end up skewering your brain.

73. Cell Phone Contracts

Look, do not fall for the stupidity of cell phone contracts. If you want one of those really cool phones that can do everything from play movies, surf the net, and take pictures to all the things a regular phone can do simply buy one and then get the pay-as-you-go service. Pay-as-you-go service rocks! Regular phone contracts can charge hundreds of dollars a month for service that may or may not be able to cover all of your cell phone needs. Then you end up having to pay ridiculous fees for ‘going over’ on allowed texts, or something stupid like that. With pay-as-you-go you can pay one flat fee and get unlimited everything. That’s what I do with my cell phone. I pay fifty dollars a month and have unlimited texts, calls to anywhere in the universe, pictures, internet service…everything.

74. ‘Do Not Pee in the Pool’ Signs

Don’t bother purchasing and putting up these signs if you have a pool. It is a waste of money and time as people are going to pee in the pool regardless of what cutesy little sign you peg up requesting them not to.

75. Reality Television Game Shows

I absolutely detest game shows of this nature. Take the game show about surviving, for example. It has nothing to do with surviving. In the real world if you were marooned anywhere with any number of people the logical thing to do would be to find out what everyone is good at, what they can do to help everyone live until they are rescued, and work together doing just that. In a real situation about survival the very last thing that would happen is people breaking down into teams where they compete for ‘immunity’ or where they stumble through any number of ridiculous ‘physical challenges’ as though they were taking part in some sort of half-assed Marine boot camp.

76. Professional Wrestling

Professional wresting is a joke and it always was. With characters (I refuse to call them athletes) going by ridiculous names and dressed in brightly colored tights smacking each other with chairs, pulling each other by the hair, and throwing each other out of the ring…who can take such stupidity seriously?

77. Paper Advertisements Through the Regular Mail

With all the hoopla about working harder to save the environment you would think that cutting down on paper advertisements through the mail would have been at the top of the list. Every week the paper advertisements I receive in the mail easily add up to an entire ream of paper. What makes it worse is the items advertised are stupid: Hair brushes for dogs; vitamins for cats; crap to make my closet look bigger; crap to make  my paycheck look bigger; crap to make a certain something else on men look bigger; equipment I can store easily under my bed; special fruit bags I can send for so if I buy bananas they won’t turn brown in the fridge. Millions of trees are being killed so people can advertise useless crap. Nice.

78. Pop-Up Advertising on the Internet

Pop-Up advertising on the Internet really, really makes me bonkers. Even with software to prohibit such advertising some of the little buggars still get through. Digital advertisements for stopping smoking, potent sleeping pills, advice on dealing with unruly and derelict teenagers, online universities that swear they give out legitimate degrees, fortune telling, stool softening cookies, and just about everything else under the sun that serves no real purpose dance and weave about the computer screen. The worst advertisements are the ones that say, “Click here! You are the one millionth customer! This is not a joke! Click here to claim your prize!”

Divine Privilege and the Perks of Wholly Holy Hypocrisy

By: God the Self-Righteous

The just live by faith. Or so Martin Luther, founder of the Lutheran Church would have you believe. What does such a screwy statement mean anyways? The just live by faith? Its like saying the steak will cook by itself. And never mind that this was Luther’s own personal interpretation of the Holy Bible, but whose version and interpretation of the Holy Bible is correct? There are simply far too many versions of what is considered the ’truth’ and far too many opinions of what path an individual must pursue in order to cement their eternal salvation with Jesus Christ the Savior. Since you humans can’t seem to come up with a proper interpretation of salvation in plain language without distorting my original meaning I will explain it again, without any ’verily’ or similar crapola that you love to misinterpret.

First and foremost, the main issue here is salvation. For those of you who do not understand or know what salvation entails I will give you the most simple and easy to understand explanation. Bluntly put, salvation means that instead of going to hell in a hand-basket like the majority of humanity no doubt will your soul will be re-united with Jesus up in Heaven.

It is absolutely, one hundred percent imperative that everyone understands that salvation is for believers only. However, it is not just for any old believers, but for Christian believers. As a further however it is not any old or ordinary Christian believers who will become neighbors of Jesus Christ up in Heaven. Only those Christian believers who very strictly follow the Word of God are saved and sent to Heaven. It is at this juncture that it must be understood that actual salvation will vary from denomination to denomination, being wholly dependant on a particular church group’s dogmatic interpretation of the Bible.

A key issue that a majority of Christian denominations focus on in addition to salvation is the behavior of an individual who believes in Jesus Christ the Savior. Allow me to be as frank with you as possible, and at the same time understand that my descriptions and explanations are in no way, shape, or form intended to offend anyone. Now, you may be the most polite person in the world. You may be a citizen who devotes every waking moment of their life to helping everyone around them with whatever it is they need. You may even be someone like Mother Theresa or Mother Theresa herself. I really don’t care and it doesn’t really matter, because if you do not believe the acceptable version of the Holy Bible and the acceptable truth about salvation, if you do not believe in the acceptable version of the Gospel, if you are not up to date on what it is exactly you are supposed to believe in…guess what? You’re screwed. Your pansy little ass is going to hell; so dress for warm weather.

Anyone out there in the world, in reality (or whatever it is you wish to call your limited existence) who does not believe in the precise and required manner is going to burn in hell…forever. This will be the case with everyone no matter how well they behave or how good they are as individual people. The Lake of Fire is not a joke! The Holy Bible of God’s Word, mind you I mean only the qualified interpretation of the Holy Bible, is very specific in labeling the Lake of Fire as a real place, a real threat and not a joke.

Now, on to discussing being a real, actual, valid, and true believer of Jesus Christ the Savior. Always keep in mind that I am referring to qualified believers only when I say ‘believer’. If you are a qualified believer you are forgiven of your sins no matter what. Interestingly enough, you may not think so and the society you live in may not think so, but the fact remains that criminals who convert are forgiven. This is absolute and all encompassing no matter the criminal or his or her committed crime. Jesus Christ the Savior absolutely loves criminals who convert. Thieves, thugs of all types, murderers, and drug addicts are forgiven since they understandably have no control over their own lives with either drugs or stupidity at the helm of their existence. It is the duty and responsibility for all believers to pray for criminals who convert. Think of it this way: The harder the drug and the crime, the harder the believer should pray for the converted criminals whom, unbeknownst to many, Jesus Christ the Savior privately refers to as, “My little penitentiary lambs.”

It is essential to know that salvation is permanent and eternal. If you do not believe this then I suggest you find the verse in the Holy Bible (the acceptable version) that states once you are in the Father’s hands, you are always in the Father’s hands; no one can snatch you out. Not even you can snatch yourself out of the Father’s hands. It is equally essential for all true believers to understand that a shift in belief from a qualified Christian ideology to anything even remotely contradictory to the same automatically revokes existing salvation in it’s entirety. In addition, any change in belief in the one, true, male God immediately revokes salvation. Other actions that will result in immediate loss of salvation include, but are not limited to: homosexuality or lesbianism, pre-marital sexual relations, communication with non-qualified believer individuals to include family members and friends, failure to accept the interpretation of the acceptable version of the Holy Bible as so stated by a qualified believer preacher or priest or religious leader, failure to conform to current and acceptable norms inasmuch as qualified Christian believer behavior is concerned, and any conceivable practice of witchcraft, wizardry, magic of any type, tarot cards, tea leaf precognitive practices, and any and all types of occult actions.

When associating with individuals who are qualified believers it is important to devise and organize sufficient game plans for interacting with individuals who are not qualified believers. Whether or not you anticipate your interaction with a non-believer to be on your own it is of the utmost importance to practice your interaction tactics. First, you must practice picking on and berating non-believers. You must always start with the most obvious subject which is the lifestyle of the individual you are picking on. Like a cat that finally corners it’s rodent quarry you must pounce on every conceivable issue. If your quarry wears designer clothing, hairstyles, or make-up be certain to harass them with such comments as, “Oh, so spending money on how you look on the outside is more important than tithing the Heavenly Father?” Witty and snide remarks such as, “Where did you get your coat of many colors? Bloomingdales?” are equally acceptable. If at all possible infuse your comments with actual biblical text such as, “So, that fact that God clothes even the lilies of the valley is not enough for you? You feel the need to put aside His provisions in exchange of worldly goods?” The validity and sense of your remarks really makes no difference so long as you keep in mind that the sole purpose of even making the comments in the first place is to cut down, demean, berate, harass, destroy, pick on, and aggravate any non-believer at anytime and anyplace. This is your qualified believer’s duty.

Once you have pissed-off a non-believer to the point where you have their full attention you must turn up the heat. Be firm in your knowledge and cite very loudly that the non-believer is going to hell. Be vicious in your attack and tell the individual that everything they are doing in their life is wrong. Always pick heavily on personal flaws and downplay any positive character traits to include philanthropy, education status, good parenting, and any positive motivations and actions be they social, personal, or otherwise. Be quick and surly in informing your quarry of their mental and spiritual inefficiencies and shortcomings. The angrier the non-believer you are picking on becomes the more self-righteous you should be. Ask the non-believer why they think they have nothing to defend or worry about? When they make an attempt to answer your question be sure to talk over them and drown them out by loudly touting, “God doesn’t take excuses. He takes souls.” The non-believer before you should be quite close to fever pitch anger at this point of the conversation. Now you must move in for the kill.

Say to the non-believer, “Obviously you know you are doing something wrong, otherwise you wouldn’t be so defensive and angry!” When the believer counters with, “I didn’t ask to hear your bullshit in the first place!” be sure to say, “Hey, you either are or aren’t saved and going to Heaven. If you really want to go to hell that badly, knock yourself out.” As you turn away from the non-believer be sure to say in your most sincere voice, “I will pray for you. I will pray that you see the light and love of God before it is too late.” Usually your final comment will be more than enough to drive the non-believer reeling into a fit of anger-driven hysteria.

Ordinarily, many victims of the self-righteous qualified believers state that the only reason qualified believers pick on the people around them is because anyone who believes differently is considered to be a spiritual risk and lethal to the souls of humanity. The truth of the matter and the truth of what the non-believer has to say makes no difference whatsoever. Great care must be taken to ignore the non-believer’s response, for once a qualified believer allows their conscience to care for the truth they are immediately drawn into the age-old, non-believer argument of whether or not the so-called validity of Christianity is actually divine, spiritual, and inspired truth. If not, doesn’t that automatically invalidate the totality of the proclaimed truth of Christianity that all qualified believers claim? Once you, oh qualified believer, are drawn down and sucked into this argument, regardless of any modicum of truth within it, you might as well put your face between your ass-cheeks and kiss your soul and eternal salvation good-bye.

It is in closing that the greatest danger to every qualified believer is revealed: Devil created loneliness. All qualified believers must be made highly aware that the Devil is just as tricky now as he was the day a secret religious council dreamed him up eons ago. Loneliness is one of the most terrible and horrid social diseases to suffer from. Interestingly enough, loneliness is at the top of the Devil’s list as a means by which to separate the qualified believer from their eternal destiny with Jesus Christ the Savior. The Devil is sure to inundate the qualified believer with a deluge of loneliness via means of separation and alienation from friends, family members, and pretty much the rest of normally functioning society. It is therefore up to the dedicated and qualified believer to remain true to Jesus Christ the Savior and not forsake the Word of God. Finding a way to weather a lonely, emotionally devoid life of religious smugness is not an easy task by any means. However, if a qualified believer sticks to his or her guns of spiritual superiority they will find that God will lead them by the hand through the bleakness of their empty and deserted lives. Amen.

What I Would Do

By: Jesus

I saw the funniest thing the other day while shopping in a gag gifts shop. Are you familiar with the little eight-ball thingies that give you answers when you ask them questions and then turn them upside down? I saw one of those, but instead of being set in an eight-ball it was set in a little pink statue of me. The answers the little pink me offered were “I Would”, “Hell No”, “Maybe”, “It Is Possible”, “I Wouldn’t”, and “Only If No One Is Watching”.

Since so many people are so interested in what I would do and what my opinions and thoughts are on various issues I will tell you. I will do this by presenting some of the correspondences sent to me asking questions. I will relay the answers I gave to each questioning individual. Please keep in mind that these letters have no particular order and I number them for simplicity’s  sake.

Letter 1

“Dear Jesus, my car has recently been impounded again. What should I do?”

John Harper, Topeka, Kansas

“Dear John, stop driving without insurance, you ninny!”

Letter 2

“Deer Geezus, Gas is got real ‘spensive, an I cain’t nary afford to take the brats tuh skool. Whut shold I do?”

Thad Pickens, Vail, Arkansas

“Dear Thad, buy a horse, because if your road sign reading skills are as bad as your writing skills you should not be driving.”

Letter 3

“Dear Jesus, I think the cops in my area are trying to harass me. I have received sixteen speeding tickets this week alone. What should I do?”

Stephanie Glenn, Los Angeles, California

“Dear Steph, slow the fuck down!”

Letter 4

“Dear Jesus, I have stopped smoking crack but things are not progressing like I hoped they would. What do you recommend I do?”

Barron Rickson, Los Banos, California

“Dear Barron, I recommend you stop popping the pills. You did stop the crack and I am proud of you for that. But, then you replaced the crack with valium. You cannot replace one bad habit for another and expect good results.”

Letter 5

“Dear Jesus, I am very frustrated with the programming on cable television. Whenever I don’t have cable all the good shows and movies are on. Whenever I do have cable the silver screen suddenly loses all concepts of reasonable and interesting shows. What the heck would you do?”

Russell Speelock, Providence, Rhode Island

“Dear Russell, if you know that every time you subscribe to cable that the programming takes a nose-dive then don’t subscribe to the freaking cable. Get one of those special little ‘black boxes’ that hawk the cable signal for free. You won’t be paying for cable then and it stands to reason that the programming will still be great.”

Letter 6

“Dear Jesus, I don’t know exactly what my problem is. What I do know is I have a real problem finishing projects or various activities that I start. Sometimes I do get really, really close to finishing a project…and then I crap out. Am I stupid or what? What do you recommend?”

Worried and Anxious, Passamahquaddy, North Dakota

“Dear Worried, you’re stupid. First you say you don’t know what your problem is. Then you say you have a problem finishing the projects you start. I recommend lithium at high doses.”

Letter 7

“Dear Big Man, my seventeen year old son is considering joining the military. This scares the hell out of me considering that as years go by it seems like America is fighting a whole bunch of other peoples’ wars. My son is so young and so smart. I am scared to my very core for him. What can be done?”

Gorsky Spvotnik, Boise, Idaho

“Dear Gorsky, I know how you feel, I really do. I know it is difficult to watch your children grow and start making their own choices. In the end, we must allow our children to make their own choices. Sometimes what we think is good for them isn’t good for them, much less something they want. If that answer doesn’t help, well, break your son’s legs. Both of them. He won’t be going anywhere for a while then. Plus, if he is somehow permanently maimed the military will not allow him in. Think about that one.”

Letter 8

“Dear Jesus, I was gambling the other day at one of the local Native American gambling establishments where I live. I like playing cards and so I set up shop at one of the Paigow tables. I changed in five hundred dollars and prepared to enjoy a night of gambling. Within eight minutes I burned through the five hundred and had to go to the ATM to get more money. I lost a whopping sixteen thousand dollars that night. How could this happen? I’ll tell you how…the dealers cheat! I know they change the cards when I look away, that their shuffle machine purposely stacks the cards in favor of the dealer, and that if the dealer does not like a certain player that player will consistently lose. I do not know who to contact about this serious problem. Do I go to the casino security, casino Human Resources, or the casino Gaming Commission? What would you do?”

Jose Delgado-Cruz, Sacramento, California

“Dear Jose, if I were you I think I would hang myself, you moron. Do you really think the gambling business was built on winners? Tell you what, why don’t you go and sell a kidney, triple mortgage your home, and then blow all the money in five minutes of play at a Casino War table to make your circle of stupidity complete.”

Letter 9

“Dear Jesus, I recently had a discussion with a friend of mine concerning who people should vote for in the upcoming elections. I said I was not going to vote for any of the good-for-nothing, shit-for-brains politicians. My friend said that not voting was a cop out and that if I do not vote I have zero right to complain. In my personal opinion I would rather abstain from voting rather than cast a ballot for people I never wish to be in charge. I told my friend I did not care to vote for such terrible politicians. What would you do in my position?”

Reanna Wilson, San Antonio, Texas

“Dear Reanna, I would bitch-slap your friend and then remind them that people who thought they were voting for the lesser evil in the 2000 U.S. Presidential Elections are now kicking themselves. The spawn of number forty-one sure as hell screwed things up now, didn’t he?”

Letter 10

“Dear Jesus, my kids and I were trying to count how many times the ‘f’ word is said in the movie Scarface. We keep losing count at about forty-three. What would you do?”

Jerry Nolan, Anaconda, Florida

“Dear Jerry, I would give up trying to count how many times the ‘f’ word is said in that movie. Time and again I myself have tried to count how many times it is said. I almost always lose count at about thirty-three. So, you have done better than me, actually. Be happy with that and move on.”

Letter 11

“Dear Jesus, I love playing Blackjack, but sometimes I get confused about the rules. If you had a pair of eights and the dealer is showing a six what would you do?”

Devin Merrick, Lebanon, Missouri

“Dear Devin, eights and aces are the only pairs in Blackjack that always split. Keep in mind this goes for single deck, double deck, four deck, and six deck Blackjack games.”

Letter 12

“Dear Jesus, I am always a dollar short and a day late. If you were in my shoes what would you do?”

Kellen Walch, Fort Belvoir, Virginia

“Dear Kellen, first I would take off your shoes and change your socks. They smell like rancid cheese. Then, I would sent out an extra payment a day early.”

Letter 13

“Dear Jesus, I have had this itching for three straight weeks now. It is driving me up the friggin’ wall! What should I do?”

Bobby Locke, Candlewick, Oregon

“Dear Bobby, I recommend you get something stronger than penicillin to take.”

Letter 14

“Dear Jesus, would you have dropped the atom bombs on Japan?”

Matt Gable, Baton Rouge, Louisiana

“Dear Matt, shah! Of course not! But, since you were stupid enough to actually ask me that question, I will happily drop one on you!”

Letter 15

“Dear Jesus, what would you do about steroid use in professional sports?”

Frank Brinkley, San Diego, California

“Dear Frank, I would kick the pansy asses of the offending athletes permanently out of sports. In addition, any and all statistical data or individual accomplishments of the offending athletes would be automatically negated for all time. And I wouldn’t have any of this ‘game suspension’ crap that so many sports nowadays employ. Heck no. If they test positive BAM! They’re out!”

Letter 16

“Dear Jesus, this morning I returned home from my trip to Las Vegas. While there I admit I drank huge quantities of alcohol. So much so that even right now I have a savage hangover. But that is not the worst of it. I noticed I was wearing a wedding band. I have zero recollection of the last few days of my trip, let alone getting married. I am so up the creek when my fiancé finds out. What should I do?”

Franklin Menthe, Provo, Utah

“Dear Franklin, wow! So much for what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Well, let’s see…what to do, what to do. If you do not live with your fiancé you’ll be alright. Just make sure your home insurance is paid up; you see, your fiancé has a vengeful streak you don’t know about. If you DO live with her, I can’t help you, pal. You’re screwed.”

Letter 17

“Dear Jesus, I know my teenage son is smoking cigarettes, but try as I may I just can’t find where he is hiding his stash. What would you do?”

Annette Grogan, De Moines, Iowa

“Dear Annette, look in his sock drawer inside the balls of rolled-up socks. By the way, he hides his doobies on the top of the door frame to his closet.”

Letter 18

“Dear Jesus, I am having problems trying to beat the video game where you’ve got to commit crimes and find weapons and kill rival gangs and such. A lot of the ‘jobs’ that are supposed to be accomplished in order to go to the next level are ridiculously hard, or I get really, really close to finishing the job and then my guy dies. What would you do?”

Chad Hawke, La Mesa, Arizona

“Dear Chad, I am surprised you haven’t figured out how to use cheat codes. You have got to use cheat codes, because you don’t know what you’re missing! I have the exact same game you have and I love it! Did you know there are cheat codes for samurai swords, military tanks that can fly, jet-packs, grenade launchers, Kalashnikov rifles with never-ending ammunition, and even chainsaws? Did you know you can even put in a code where you will get your very own Harrier jet? Dude, use the cheat codes!”

Letter 19

“Dear Jesus, what would you do for a Klondike Bar?”

Amy Wren, Bismuth, North Dakota

“Dear Amy, absolutely nothing. I do not like chocolate.”

Letter 20

“Dear Jesus, I just found out that my husband of nineteen years has been cheating on me. I am crushed and don’t know what to do. What would you do?”

Georgia Atherton, Orlando, Florida

“Dear Georgia, I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time. I know how faithful you were to your husband and how much you loved him. Here’s what you do, hon. First, do not let on that you know what he’s been doing. Second, immediately empty all bank accounts you share with him and cash in all money market accounts, retirement accounts, and anything of the like. Put all of that money into a bank account somewhere in Jamaica or another Caribbean Isle banking institution. Thirdly, book yourself a flight to wherever it is you opened your account. Fourthly, empty the house of everything and sell it, put it in storage, or take it with you to your new home in the Caribbean Isles. Don’t forget to take the ice trays. Last, but certainly not least, get on that plane and don’t look back. Remember, if they cheat on you they’re not worth the tears.”

Letter 21

“Dear Jesus, my brat of a teenager kid won’t stop taking the car without my permission. The little turd doesn’t listen to anything I say and I swear I’m about to go ballistic. I try hiding my car keys, but that spawn of mine must have made a bunch of copies ‘cause he still drives off. What would you do?”

Bob Stebbins, Sallisaw, Oklahoma

“Dear Bob, put a potato or a banana in the tailpipe and he won’t get far. Other things you can do if you don’t even want him to make it out of the driveway are remove the battery, unplug the sparkplug wires (just remember which order they go back in so if you need to go somewhere you can hook it back up and it will start), remove various relays, remove necessary fuses, or remove one of the tires, leaving the vehicle on a jack (my personal favorite!).”

Letter 22

“Dear Jesus, is it possible for freewill to be reconciled with predestination?”

Tabitha Winslow, Tampico, Washington

“Dear Tabitha, absolutely not! If a final decision and outcome are known beforehand then out of logical necessity freewill cannot exist. Now, what can be known beforehand is what the available choices are…but that is all. The final outcome is never known beforehand. The only thing that can be said to be known beforehand is that there are choices, and that if one stays a particular path then a particular result is bound to or very likely to happen. I find the attempted reconciliation of these two concepts fascinating.

Here is another way with which to view this particular issue. If the principle is that a given situation or individual is predestined to specific outcomes, choices, or expressions and nothing else and not by the express choices of the prime factors but by outside influence, then it follows out of necessity that there is no freewill within or experienced by the prime factors. For example, if there is some great power ‘out there’ that dictates that something will or will not happen to X, Y, or Z, regardless of what decisions and actions X, Y, and Z take, then there cannot exist freewill for X, Y, or Z. In order for X, Y, and Z to have freewill there must not exist known and irrevocable set outcomes and consequences. Each individual must create their own set of outcomes and consequences, and even these can change by simply choosing a different set of actions.

There are many people who mistakenly believe that knowing the possibilities, probabilities, or eventualities is the same thing as predestination. It is not. Existence is of it’s own self freewill. Therefore predestination as an ideal of absolutism does not exist. Think about that one.”

Letter 23

“Dear Jesus, what is your favorite offensive play in college football?”

Kevin Hartson, St. Louis, Missouri

“Dear Kevin, my favorite offensive play in college football is the Flea Flicker.”

Letter 24

“Dear Jesus, what is your favorite television show involving cops or law enforcement?”

Jennifer Sampson, Juneau, Alaska

“Dear Jennifer, my favorite television show having to do with cops or law enforcement is Columbo. Hands down! Not only is the main character, played by Peter Faulk, smart like a fox, but he takes being irritating to a whole new level of aggravation. He is always telling the people he is investigating, “Uh, just one more thing!” I’m telling you, for my money it doesn’t get better than Columbo.”

Letter 25

“Dear Jesus, what in the world do people mean when they are talking about ‘counting cards’ in Blackjack?”

Debora Zane, Tallywood, North Carolina

“Dear Debora, what ‘counting cards’ in Blackjack means is to keep track of a negative or positive score (also known as ‘the count’) based upon the cards that have been dealt. It takes considerable practice, but it can definitely be learned and utilized to help an individual fare better while playing Blackjack. How you do it is something like this: Cards one (also known as the ace) through six all have a value of plus one. Cards seven, eight, and nine have a value of zero and are considered neutral. Ten cards and face cards (also known as court cards) have a value of negative one. For all of the cards that you see as the dealer reveals them (or deals them) you keep a mental score. For example, say the first hand in a shoe has three aces, two fours, a seven, and a ten. Each ace is a plus as are the fours. This makes a score of plus five. Remember the seven card has a value of zero so the score of plus five does not change. The ten card has a value of negative one so the score goes from plus five to plus four. Whenever ‘the count’ is a high positive count, like plus five and higher, you definitely want to raise your bet. Whenever the count is even or a negative count you want to make sure you have the absolute minimum bet out.

Now, I might be a tad bit off on the card values by a tad, to be honest. It might be that the ace through the five cards are the positive counts, the six through the eight are the neutral or zero counts, and the nine, ten, and court cards are the negative counts. I very rarely play this card game as I actually prefer Texas Hold ‘Em. So, to make sure just go to a card counting website and double check. Oh, and, if you decide to use the card counting technique don’t make it obvious by betting mega money every time you get a high positive count. Trust me, be conservative and patient. The dealers as well as the floor supervisors and pit managers know what to look for to spot card counters, and consistent mega money bets on high counts will get your butt tossed off the game or out of the casino. Don’t get greedy and want big money fast. Even though card counting is not against the law you will be asked to leave the gambling establishment you are in if you are suspected.”

Letter 26

“Dear Jesus, I want to buy a new car. Unfortunately, I am having trouble deciding between a BMW and a Mercedes Benz. What would you do?”

Alan Boyd, San Francisco, California

“Dear Alan, I would pick the car I feel and look sexier in.”

Letter 27

“Dear Jesus, I just got married yesterday and already this woman who I thought I knew is making me CRAZY! Is it going to get better? What would you do?”

Brian Somes, Emmerson, Colorado

“Dear Brian, if she is this crazy this soon you can safely bet it will not get better. In fact, it will probably get worse, much worse. Screw getting divorced. Get your marriage annulled…immediately.”

Letter 28

“Dear Jesus, I was playing baccarat and the bank went on a 13 and 0 run. I stopped betting the bank on the tenth hand and probably lost out on five hundred dollars I could have won. What would you have done?”

Baccarat Man, Las Vegas, Nevada

“Dear Baccarat, ride the pony till it stops.”

Letter 29

“Dear Jesus, my fiancé wants me to sign a prenuptial agreement. This actually surprises me a little and upsets me a lot. What would you do?”

Helen Edison, Dover, Delaware

“Dear Helen, it sounds to me like your man has some trust issues. Why should you pay for his insecurities? Keep the ring and tell him to kiss your ass.”

Letter 30

“Dear Jesus, I just can’t seem to find a good man. Most of the men that seem to have potential turn out to be dorks, intellectually embarrassing, lazy, or are simply nowhere near the people that they initially presented themselves to be. I lose interest in the men around me so quickly. Am I asking for too much in a man? Are my standards too high? What is my problem and what would you do?”

Laurel Griffin, Atlanta, Georgia

“Dear Laurel, you’re a lesbian, you silly girl! Stop trying to hook up with a man, find a woman you love, and be happy!”

Letter 31

“Dear Jesus, my wife and I divorced three years ago. Since that time my ex-wife asks me for money every month. She says it is for helping her take care of our twin boys of whom she has custody, and to help pay bills. I need her to stop asking me for money. She is the one with the good job and the custody of our boys; that in and of itself ought to be good enough. What would you do?”

Paul Smith, Juneau, Alaska

“Dear Paul, dial ‘0’ for assistance since you seem to be confused about what your responsibilities and obligations are in respect to your family.”

Letter 32

“Dear J-Man, my boss wrote me up for being an hour late to work even though I told him my alarm clock did not go off. He just would not listen to me. Then, he gave me a warning for eating at my desk. To make things even worse he only gives me two half hour breaks every six hour workday, made me pay for the office microwave I accidentally blew up when I put a burrito in for fifty minutes instead of five, and even put me back on employee probation. This guy obviously has it out for me. What should I do?”

Markus Lozenger, Helena, Montana

“Dear Markus, your letter made no goddamn sense whatsoever. Are you always like this or do you take stupid pills? Know that there is help available. Seek it.”

Letter 33

“Dear Jesus, why were the three mice blind?”

Joshua Miller, Jefferson City, Missouri

“Dear Joshua, they played with firecrackers.”

Letter 34

“Dear Jesus, what is the point of the children’s poem ‘Hey Diddle, Diddle the Cat and the Fiddle’, because I can’t figure out what the hell it is supposed to mean.”

Francis Shears, Columbus, Ohio

“Dear Francis, the point is to never do psychedelic drugs.”

Letter 35

“Dear Jesus, I thought that I was in the process of developing a relationship with this really beautiful girl where I worked a while back. I mean, nothing ever happened, but there were all the signs, you know? Flirting, lingering glances, purposely walking close or passing close so that we would touch…well, that was what it was like everyday that we worked together, and even seemed to be increasing in frequency as time went on.

Well, I tried a couple of times to broach the idea of maybe going out, but she was very non-responsive to that, almost to the point of avoidance on that particular issue. I tried stopping the flirting and it did cool down a little I suppose. Then this girl says to me, “What happened to us?” I was completely confused. She said, “We were so close and then we just seemed to go different ways. What happened?”

I was very confused for a couple of days as I thought about what to do. I finally decided to approach her and speak very plainly about how I felt about her. As soon as I became direct and indicated I would like to pursue a possible relationship with her she started getting all weird again. I stopped the flirting and all of that kind of behavior toward her. That became harder to do, though, as she began to flirt with me again. I am not the kind of person who plays emotional games with people and this was beginning to make me very angry. I didn’t want any problems. I quit the job. I tried to talk to her three separate times since then to find out what her deal was, but she will not acknowledge me. Not even a peep through e-mail. What the hell was her deal? Was I reading way too much into simple flirtation? Am I stupid? Help me on this, Jesus, because I feel totally lost on this issue.”

Lawrence Frederick, Atlanta, Georgia

“Dear Lawrence, you are not seeing this situation for what it is. That does not make you stupid, it just means you are quite naïve and somewhat ignorant…though not in a particularly bad way. You did not notice what she was doing because you are a nice guy. Nice guys figure they would never attract such a person and oftentimes errantly believe they could see that type of girl coming from a good distance and would very easily avoid her. Trust me, Lawrence, this girl is by no means whatsoever a stupid person. She knew damn well you had a thing for her and tried to use that to her own gain. She saw the kind of person you are and thought she could take advantage of you. All she wanted was an affair and your money. You left just in time. Don’t worry about her, because she sure as hell does not worry about you. She’s done this a million times. Don’t fret, Lawrence. True love is already headed in your direction.”

Letter 36

“Dear Jesus, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?”

Brandon Sainz, Indianapolis, Indiana

“Dear Brandon, as you know woodchucks cannot chuck wood. You just wasted paper, an envelope, ink, a stamp, and three minutes of your life to ask me a pointless and nonsensical question. If this question you asked me is anything close to an example of your normal thinking patterns you should consider psycho therapy.”

Worst Songs Ever

By: Hades

Picture this, if you will: You are scurrying about your day, taking care of errands and whatever it is you need to do. Your mood is bright and happy. All of a sudden the tranquility of your day is destroyed as your car radio or the shopping mall music system or your kids or the idiot who lives next door blasts the antithesis of good music…a stupid song. You detest this song so much that usually within the first three chords of the song you know what is coming on and you change it to something better, leave the mall, holler at your kids to change the song, or pound on your wall hoping that your neighbor will take a hint and shut the shit off.

In order to better understand what it is exactly about the song that irks you we will discuss the top one hundred stupid, pathetic, retarded, and infernally annoying songs. Each song is preceded by it’s ranking number and followed by words of wisdom and distain.

100. Do You Really Want to Hurt Me

Yes, Boy George. I really do want to hurt you so you will never, ever sing this song again.

99. San Diego Super Chargers

Every time I hear this song I want to put a paper bag over my head and hide in the deepest hole I can find. The lyrics are bad and the melody is even worse.

98. Fancy

This song totally insinuates that prostitution does have it’s pluses.

97. Turn, Turn, Turn

To everything turn, turn, turn. There is a season turn, turn, turn. And a time to every purpose under heaven. A time to be born, a time to die, and a time to change the radio station.

96. Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

A song about my ex.

95. Puff the Magic Dragon

A song written by picking random words from a bag and arranging them in the order they were picked.

94. Rock My World Little Country Girl

This is a pathetic song that sounds like a trailer park scumbag is trying to get some ass.

93. Who Let the Dogs Out?

Who gives a shit?

92. Christopher Robin and Winnie the Pooh

This song makes me want to gauge my eyes out. Count all the bees in the hive? Chase all the clouds from the sky? If Winnie the Pooh is telling Christopher Robin to count the bees in the hive then good old Pooh Bear has an ulterior motive. It sounds to me like he wants to remove the boy pal from the picture altogether.

91. The Shake

An irritating song sung by an irritating musician. Shake it to the left, shake it to the right, shake it real funky, and shake it real low? What the hell kind of lyrics are those? How about shake it out of the damn radio?

90. The Watermelon Crawl

A stupid and remedial song that was more than likely written at the last moment to fill space on the album.

89. Dora the Explorer Cartoon Jingles

I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the mother freakin’ map song is just as annoying as the ridiculous song about a backpack.

88. The Blue’s Clues Puppy Songs

The stupid songs this cyanotic little blue pup sings have less than ten words that are repeated over and over…and over.

87. Holiday

Thank you, Madonna. Why, what in the hell would we do without you to tell us what a holiday is for?

86. Killing Me Softly

I might as well kill myself quickly so I don’t have to be tortured by this woe-is-me, wanna-be love song.

85. Barbeque Stains On My White T-Shirt

Big time stupid. Period. Mother Goose wrote songs that rhyme better.

84. Oops! I Did It Again

Step a little closer and I will make sure you never do it again whether that is singing another stupid song, acting in another stupid movie, or hooking up with another stupid guy.

83. Karma Chameleon

Karma Chameleon? Red, gold, and green? Somebody was drinking the bong water when they wrote this song.

82. Lucky Star

The only thing I find remotely lucky in regards to this song is if I can reach the radio and throw it out the window before the first few words are belched.

81. Too Legit To Quit

Too legit? The only thing you were legit at was stealing other peoples’ melodies and then tweaking them to try to make them sound like your own. Too retarded would have been a far better song title and closer to the truth.

80. Hey Diddle, Diddle the Cat and the Fiddle

A cat playing a fiddle…hummm. Did I mention that the dish ran away with the spoon? Someone was seriously stoned when they wrote this song.

79. Ice, Ice Baby

Lies, lies baby. This wanna-be gangsta’ lied about pretty much everything, claiming to be from a poor family that lived in the ghetto. What a douche bag.

78. Born to Be Alive

Born to be alive…isn’t that the general idea in regards to procreation?

77. Jenny From the Bronx

First I had a little. Now I have a lot. I think she is referring to her ass.

76. Tiny Toons Song

They’re tiny and toony and their song makes me loony!

75. Don’t You Want Somebody to Love

If an acid trip could be expressed in a song, this would be the song. Well, this song and the song about eating a mushroom and seeing a white rabbit and one pill making you small and another pill making you large. Really trippy songs.

74. Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me a Match

Totally sounds like a song for pyromaniacs.

73. Groove is in the Heart

There is a part of this song that says, “My succotash ways.” What the hell does that mean? What does succotash have to do with knowing the groove is in the heart? What is succotash anyways?

72. Blame it On the Rain

I have an idea…why don’t you blame it on yourself?

71. The Angry American

I am not American, but I can definitely sympathize with those Americans who were embarrassed by this ridiculous waste of time of a song. Sorry to tell you, Mr. Keith, but your claim that putting a boot up someone’s ass is the American Way is an uninformed assertion. The Founding Fathers made it quite clear to the rest of the world that justice, peace, courage, and consideration for all fellow men were the foundations of the American Way. Not one of these men mentioned anything about putting a boot in anyone’s ass. However, Mr. Keith, if you would be so kind as to bend over I would be more than happy and willing to put my booted, cloven hoof in your ass.

70. I Wanna Talk About Me

Well, someone seems to be suffering from acute delusions of self-importance.

69. Chattahoochie

I remember being stunned to hear Alan Jackson sing in this song, “It gets hotter than a hootchie-cootchie!”

68. Every Breath You Take

This song has stalker written all over it. Sounds to me like someone needs to learn how to let go.

67. Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds

I have heard a rumor that this song is supposed to be about the drug LSD. Listen to the words of this song and you will agree.

66. The Mary Poppins Song

Supercalid-fragile-lipstick-sexy-ally-donuts. I think Ms. Poppins was popping pills when she managed to put such an incoherent babble of words to music.

65. Friends in Low Places

Friends in low places? Humph. They must be politicians, lawyers, or both.

64. This is the Song That Never Ends

Yes, this is a song that never ends and the people who sing it have no friends. Thanks, Pork Chop, or whatever that little puppet’s name was. This song is just what I needed to hear for twelve hours when we drove the kids to Disney Resort in Florida.

63. I’m Henry the Eighth, I Am

Second verse, same as the first. A far more aggravating song than little Pork Chop’s song that never ends.

62. Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer On the Wall

This is the song my kids sang for another twelve hours after we left Disney Resort in Florida and I threatened them that they had better not sing that goddamn, never-ending song.

61. And Bingo Was His Name-O

I know a dog that ate a kid and dingo was his name-o! D-I-N-G-O, and dingo was his name-o!

60. Macarena

This song survived well past the usual fifteen minutes of fame.

59. Jose Cuervo

An annoying song to emulate an annoying drink that is somewhat similar to gargling with gasoline.

58. Margarita-Ville

No matter how loud I turn up this song I can’t quite make out all of the words. I think he says something about sponge cake, stepping on a pop-tart, and tourists covered with foil. Stupid.

57. Hollenbeck Girl

Someone please explain to me what the hell shit has to do with bananas? After the first few lines of the song we are able to establish that someone was talking shit about someone else. Then the singer states her shit is bananas. She then further announces that, “It’s my shit.” Is it then safe to assume that this is a song about her shitty bananas?

56. Hey, Hey Good Looking

This is perhaps one of the worst pick-up lines ever turned into a song.

55. Sunshine On My Pillow

This song on my pillow makes me crabby.

54. Part of Your World (theme song from Little Mermaid)

Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat? Nope. Our little red-headed lady-fish needs to find something more productive to do with her time than trying to bed the two-legged prince.

53. Papa Don’t Preach

Seriously, papa. Don’t preach. Madonna won’t listen anyways.

52. Do You Hear What I Hear?

This is a Christmas song obviously written by a schizophrenic.

51. Twelve Days of Christmas

One day of Christmas is more than enough. We don’t need twelve.

50. Michael Row Your Boat Ashore

I have an idea, Michael. Why don’t you just keep your ass out to sea?

49. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

If Rudolph’s nose is as big and red as this song makes it sound then he has one hell of a pimple, or severe hypertension.

48. They Call the Thing Rodeo

Bulls and blood. Dust and mud. Roar of the Sunday crowd. Say it with me…retarded. This is the typical song celebrating the stupid things men do to amuse themselves in an effort to prove their manliness.

47. If I Were King of the Forest

If I were king of the forest I would kill that tone deaf lion and put his pelt in my office right before the fireplace.

46. There’s a Tear in My Beer

So there’s a tear in your beer. Big freaking deal. Drink up. At least it isn’t a pubic hair in your beer.

45. Old McDonald Had a Farm

Had is the operative word here. The McDonald farm was repossessed by the government.

44. Don’t Want to Lose You Now

Too late. You lost me.

43. She Thinks My Tractor is Sexy

And I think your song is stupid.

42. Tomorrow, Tomorrow

Sing while you can Little Orphan Annie, because tomorrow I’m going to hide you where no one will ever find you.

41. How Do I Live Without You

Who gives a rat’s ass how to live without you? I just want to live without ever hearing this song again.

40. I’m The Fool in Love With The Fool

Listen to the words of this song: I’m the fool in love with the fool who is still in love with you. Listen, you dumb bitch, if you insist on loving someone who consistently takes advantage of you and cheats on you then you are a fool.

39. A Whole New World

The words to this song are the typical things a guy would say just to get laid. Once he gets his piece of ass he revokes everything he had promised.

38. Ring Around The Rosie

A wonderfully heartfelt song that reminisces Europe being ravaged by the Bubonic Plague, the population dropping by at least one-third.

37. Goodbye, Earl

Goodbye, song.

36. Drop It Like It’s Hot

You mean like playing hot potatoes?

35. If You Wanna Be My Lover

Tell me what you want, what you really, really want. I wanna…I wanna…I wanna…I want this song to stop playing.

34. My Hump, My Lovely Lady Lumps

What ’cha gonna do with all that junk? I say put it in the garbage right along with this song.

33. Someday My Prince Will Come

Look at the lyrics to this song and you will see it is really a song about a princess trying to help her man deal with impotence.

32. How Much is That Doggie in The Window

If you have to ask how much the doggie is you can’t afford it. Go away.

31. Ring My Bell

Sing this song again and I will.

30. Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better

A song about sibling rivalry that was written by two six year olds.

29. You Were Always On My Mind (techno version)

Putting anything Willie Nelson sings to a techno beat ought to be a federal offense.

28. The Matches

Sammy Kershaw sings a song about love found, love lost, and taking revenge on the one you formerly loved…by way of arson. Psycho.

27. Bibbity-Bobbity-Boo

Lollapalooze-ah, me-cha-gabooza, zip-pity, zap-pity, zoo. Put it together and what have you got? A song that amuses only those with severe ADHD.

26. Fruit Salad Song (from the children’s show Wiggles)

Fine. We get that you are singing about fruit salad. So, you can either add more words or stop saying fruit salad!

25. Flies On The Butter

I am a big Judds fan as far as their music goes. However, this song got under my skin. Flies on the butter? Old tin roof with leaves in the gutters? A hole in the screen door as big as your fist? Yellow jackets on the watermelon? It sounds like they are describing and singing about a crack house in the projects of Los Angeles, California.

24. Rhinestone Cowboy

Did you see the movie by this same title? It starred Sylvester Stallone and Dolly Parton. If God Almighty is merciful, Stallone will never, ever be allowed to sing again.

23. Look At This Photograph

You mean the one they took of you at the line up?

22. I Hope You Dance

And I hope you shut the fuck up.

21. Happy Birthday to You

Just give me my damn gifts and get lost.

20. Tragedy

Yeah, this Bee Gees song is a tragedy alright. They ought to have called it ‘Scagedy’ being as though it was both scary and a tragedy.

19. You Sexy Thing

Another stupid song that uses pathetic pick-up lines in an effort to get some ass.

18. I’m Too Sexy

Too bad you didn’t figure out you were too sexy to make the recording of this awful song.

17. Jingle Bells

The only version of this song that I even remotely like has these words: Jingle bells! Batman smells! Robin laid an egg! The Bat Mobile lost a wheel and the Joker got away!

16. The NFL Sunday Night Football Song

Please, PLEASE stop singing this horribly written song! The only thing that makes it remotely tolerable is the fact that it is sung by Faith Hill.

15. The NFL Monday Night Football Song

I hate this song. I hate this song. Not only has MNF been using this song for what seems like a THOUSAND YEARS, but it is written just about as well as the football song written for the preceding day. The only thing that makes it remotely tolerable is the fact that it is sung by Hank Williams, Jr.

14. Take My Breath Away

So long as it will get you to stop singing this song, you got it.

13. Too Much Time On My Hands

Maybe. Not enough time to stick around and listen to your crazy song, though.

12. The Gambler

You’ve got to know when to hold them. Know when to fold them. Know when to walk away. Know when to change the radio station.

11. Theme Music From the Original Star Trek Show

Spaced…the final frontier. These are the voices of ghosts getting high: Wooo-ooohhhh…wooh…woo-hooo…hhoooo! Wooo-HHOOOOOO! Wooooo-ooohhoo-hooo-HHOOOO!

10. The Thunder Rolls

Nah, that’s just me. I got gas. My bad.

9. I Go Out Walking After Midnight

That’s because you’re tweaking.

8. I Fall to Pieces

That is because the moron who put you together didn’t read the instructions and then thought the four bolts left over were spares.

7. I Fell Into a Burning Ring of Fire

Well then, maybe your blind ass shouldn’t have been wandering around the campsite.

6. I Walk the Line

Good for freakin’ you, but isn’t that what the officer asked you to do in the first place?

5. It Must Have Been Love

Nope. It was just sex.

4. Take Me Out to the Ballgame

First you ask me to take you out to the ballgame and take you out to the crowd. Then you ask me to buy you some peanuts and crackerjack. Do I look like I’m made out of money?

3. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer

If Grandma had made a practice of buying me better gifts I wouldn’t have run her over.

2. I Fought the Law and the Law Won

The theme song for all who cross paths with the LAPD.

1. It’s a Small World After All

That’s right…it’s a small, small world. That means I will be able to find your ass fairly quickly if you start singing this darn song again.

Movies that Never Made it Off the Cutting Room Floor

By: Jesus the Good Shepherd of the Blessed Flock

Over the last one hundred years or so the motion picture business has bloomed and blossomed into something spectacular. Outstanding acting, riveting stories, and unbelievable special effects have welded the movie business to the hearts and souls of the movie-hungry public. While many individuals are familiar with great cinematic works such as Gone With the Wind, Ben Hur, and Taming of the Shrew, most of these same individuals are not in the least bit aware that these very same cinematic greats owe their existence to their less glamorous predecessors.

Many of the really great movies came about when film producers and executives were unhappy with or appalled by the first completed versions of films that were brought before them. When this happened the film producers and executives would often change the script a bit, change the  movie title, shuffle the actors around, and then re-shoot the movie. The result, more often than not, would be a cinematic gem for the ages.

It is my great pleasure to present to you an extensive list of original movies that never made it off the cutting room floor. While I do number them please understand that this does not mean they were developed in this particular order. I number them for simplicity’s sake. The movie titles will be given and then followed by a brief plot explanation. I hope you enjoy this rare cinematic treat.

1. Blast From My Ass

NASA discovers a very cheap, yet effective way to travel through time.

2. Apopcalypto

A docu-drama of the administration of a country’s politician who twice cheated in presidential elections in order to win.

3. Gone With My Wind

Grandpa loses his ‘cork’ and clears the house of all the Thanksgiving guests.

4. Three Days After the Day Before the Day After Tomorrow

Climatologists attempt to accurately predict the weather. Includes a feature-length commentary that explains how ‘weather predicting’ is the only job a person is able to keep though that person may be totally wrong in their predictions eighty percent of the time.

5. Leprechaun IX

The demonic little green freak experiences emotional melt-down after standing in line at the unemployment office for six hours.

6. Fried Green Potatoes

A fast-food chain recycles uneaten French fries.

7. Batteries are Included

A local porn shop decides to do the right thing and sell the vibrators with the necessary batteries.

8. Butch Cassidy and the Sun Block Kid

Butch Cassidy meanders the Old West while trying to sell cattle ranchers and Native Americans SPF45 sun block.

9. Interview With an Umpire

The vampire Gestalt secures a job as a major league baseball umpire for night games.

10. Totaled Recall

A gripping film that chronicles the horrible truth that the Florida vote recount was purposely botched.

11. The Blizzard of Oz

Dorothy tries to warn the Wicked Witch of an impending severe climate shift.

12. Malice in Wonderland

This movie portrays the sad tale of the Mad Hatter murdering the Red Queen after the Jabberwocky refuses to marry him.

13. Beauty and the Yeast

Belle sends Gaston to the pharmacist for some nystatin.

14. Percules

The son of Zeus opens up a coffee shop on Mount Olympus.

15. The Bitches of Eastwick

Three women take revenge on their ex-husbands.

16. The Tell Tale Fart

Odiferous methane emanations from downstairs tenants tortures the family in the apartment above them.

17. Mission Improbable

You don’t really think all of the votes in the botched Florida elections were recounted, do you?

18. Seven Years of Bitch

One man relates his horrific struggle during seven years of wedded un-bliss to a real bitch of a woman.

19. Mogli Dick

Our little jungle boy Mogli takes up whaling in order to support his village.

20. Jungle Nook

Beer-Sheba opens up a rattan furniture store.

21. Barbie of Seville

Damn! That blonde bitch is everywhere!

22. Herbie the Bedbug

Our VW pal turns out to be one hell of a marriage counselor.

23. Yellow Snow White

That asshole dwarf Dopey keeps pissing the bed.

24. Vinnie the Pooh

Vinnie the Pooh takes out Christopher Robin on Kanga’s orders.

25. Snappy Dragon, Grouchy Tiger

A movie about women with severe PMS.

26. Godfathers

David Koresh, Jim Jones, and Charlie Manson all fight for the title ‘Lamb of God’.

27. Harry is Stoned on the Sorcerer’s Pot

Harry finds out why Hagrid has such a huge appetite.

28. Stir of Geckos

Our little insurance reptiles wreak havoc by raising the deductible rates for collision insurance.

29. Office Spaced

Office personnel devise new and novel ways to do as little as possible while at work.

30. Amnesty-Ville Horror

Castro empties Cuba’s prisons and sends the cons to the United States as political refugees.

31. Top Guns

Documents the frightening truth about the availability of weapons to America’s youth.

32. National Lampooned Penitentiary Vacation

Chronicles the life and times of Martha Stewart during her incarceration.

33. True Lie

An attempt to explain the real reason for the United States military presence in the Middle East.

34. The Santa Clod

Jolly Saint Nick fights Hodgkin’s and high cholesterol.

35. Clear and Present Ranger

Casper the Ghost takes a job as Texas law enforcement.

36. Sleepy Fellow

The Headless Horseman fights severe narcolepsy.

37. Super-Duper Size Me

A fast-food chain offers Viagra in kid meals.

38. Shorted Circuit

Documents the staggering amount of idiot politicians within government.

39. 28 Minutes Later

Chronicles the amount of time a former child-movie star can stay out of trouble and sober after being released from jail…yet again.

40. Indianapolis Jones and the Raiders of My Panty Drawer

Who knew joining a fraternity could be so fun!

41. Star Warts

Hand Solo tries to explain to Doc Vader that he got his newest case of genital warts from Princess Laid-a-Lot.

42. Seven Crimes for Seven Mothers

Documents crimes by women with children such as Ma Barker and the Texas Cheerleader Mom.

43. The Hunt for Dead October

Major League Baseball’s team the Kansas City Royals disappoint fans yet again by finishing dead last in everything.

44. Shitty-Shitty Bang-Bang

A gripping film that presents clear and concise arguments as to why every state should have a Lemon Law in regards to selling used vehicles.

45. The Little Barmaid

Ariel has to get a second job at a local pub when the lazy Prince Eric refuses to work.

46. The Slutty Professor

A true story of a teacher who decided it was okay to sleep with one of her fourteen-year-old students.

47. Ratty-Tootie

When you shower…use the soap and use it everywhere.

48. Fatal Distraction

An in-depth film on the staggering number of vehicle collisions caused by using cell phones while driving.

49. Jacks With My Beanstalk

A garden shop gives away free carjacks with each sale of a beanstalk. What? What were you thinking I was going to put here? Shame on you!

50. Maiming of the Shrew

A harrowing story of a man who plans revenge on his mother-in-law after she tries to drive him crazy by telling him how to raise his kids, treat his wife, and spend his money.

Setting the Stage for a Good Old Fashioned Riot

By: God the Instigator

Are you tired of the same old humdrum monotony of every day life? Do you find yourself to be going insane with a lack of excitement? If so, I now offer to you one of the best ways to spice up your life: Plan and execute a good old fashioned riot.

Riots are without a doubt one of the best ways with which to cure chronic boredom. Riots have also been known to result in very interesting and palatable side effects to include helping or hindering political agendas and assisting individuals in getting away with murder. The rioting crowds that gathered around the Berlin Wall helped to bring it down with a resounding thud. During the year 2000 Presidential Elections in the United States, a time when the entire world directed it’s eyes and ears to a situation that was really quite hilarious, the threat of crowds mass rioting helped to stop the court proceedings that would most certainly have proven the proclaimed winner a lying cheat. Pity. I bet ‘The People’ would have enjoyed a couple of days of burning cars, destroying buildings, and calling in sick to work.

I did say riots could help an individual get away with murder, right? Well, here is the proof. The jury that found a certain aged football hero not guilty of two murders did so not because they thought he was actually not guilty. With visions of looters rummaging through businesses as though they were searching for Easter eggs and visions of thugs beating the piss out of countless innocent citizens still fresh in their memory, the jury found him not guilty because they realized that Los Angeles was not prepared to weather another riot so soon on the heels of the last one. Such a shame. If the jury could have held out for another six months I bet the city could have worked up enough capital for at least a three day riot.

Speaking of capital, what many people fail to realize is with a little genius and a lot of savvy, money can be made on riots. Remember that defunct Berlin Wall? Did you know many people earned loads of money selling off pieces of the wall as souvenirs? Super idea.

So, once you have decided that you want to have a riot it is important to consider proper rioting techniques. Failure to do so will result in your riot being a dud and not worth any jail time you may earn. The most important point to consider is where to have your riot. Riots and real estate share the first three important rules of location, location, location. Choose a location that will help your riot bloom and develop into full scale chaos. Top riot locations include elections, natural disasters, weddings, funerals, downtowns of major cities, abortion clinics, country border towns, courthouses, schools, church, the mall, and sports stadiums.

In reality there are only three locations that are not riot friendly. These are your home, the library, and a casino. You should never host a riot in your home. A home riot would most certainly destroy everything you own. Of course, if you are going through a bitter divorce and know your ex will probably be awarded half of everything you own, then definitely have a riot in your home. That way, your bitch or asshole of an ex can have everything…but it won’t be worth dick!

Rioting at a library is completely unrealistic since most libraries are dreadfully small and cannot hold the adequate numbers of people necessary to sustain your riot. Such a shame, since a book thrown like a screwball makes a wonderful weapon. Casinos are the last of the riot unfriendly locations and there are two reasons for this. First, casinos are always crawling with wanna-be cops, real cops, and other security personnel both armed and unarmed. Secondly, the majority of gamblers are very one-track minded and will not budge from their slot machines or card tables as they could give two shits and a rat’s ass about your riot.

Once you have decided on and mapped out your riot location you are ready to begin. All you need to do in order to begin is proclaim your beef. This means that as loudly as possible you should let everyone around you know what your problem is. If you can’t think of a problem simply make one up. Here are four examples: 1) “The governor smokes crack!” 2) “The moon landing was a hoax!” 3) “All banks have shut down and there is no more money!” 4) “California has just annexed Mexico!” Also, make use of catchy and incendiary slogans such as, “Hell no! We won’t go!”, “No justice, no damn freedom!”, “Give me liberty or give me death!”, “F**k the establishment!”, and “Power to the people!”

Carrying picket signs is a wonderful way to add to the chaotic ambiance of the situation. However, you will want to make sure that you are using a picket sign with a wooden handle. This is because later on down the line you may wish to stick the sign up a cop’s ass to make a copsicle, or use it as a general weapon. Cops are quick to frisk people for the usual weapons, confiscating such items. However, for some reason they overlook the likelihood  of picket signs being used as weapons.

Be sure that you are very, very over-dramatic in whatever it is you are doing. Ripping and tearing your clothing is a great way to increase crowd tensions as you will come across as a complete nut. What is even better, while you are whooping and hollering your issue drop to your knees, look up to the sky as if you are awaiting the return of Jesus the Messiah, and tear your shirt. This will make you appear as some type of martyr requesting help from God. Once you find a way to mix a little religion in with any riot it will automatically raise the riot to a higher and more deliciously dangerous situation. Trust me, nothing beats watching religious groups, even assumed religious groups duke it out. Seriously. Take the Protestants and Catholics in England and Ireland, for example. They’ve been fighting forever and I’m still not bored watching them fight.

Now that you have started the first real steps of beginning your riot start turning up the heat. Turn around and give the people closest to you a good, hard shove. If possible, knock them down to the ground. If they do not respond aggressively simply spit on them or kick them in the nuts. Congratulations! You are now a hair’s breadth away from full scale riot.

It is now at this point that you should take the first real destructive action by throwing something through a window. For whatever reason the sound of tinkling glass puts people into a frenzy. Toss a postal box through the nearest window and follow this action by shouting and chanting while you pump your fist in the air as though you have accomplished something really spectacular.

You have the full attention of the masses now so stoke the hot ember’s of the riot’s anger by proceeding to throw  more items through windows. Throw bricks through windows as though you were practicing for the Olympic Shot-Putt. If you throw like a girl get the guy next to you to throw it by promising him sex. If you do not have bricks remember that rocks will serve as a suitable substitute. City bus stop benches are a great novelty to toss, however due to their immense weight it will be necessary to enlist the aid of at least four fellow rioters.

You are now entering the exciting phase of full-blown riot. Overturn all cars in the vicinity by rocking them back and forth. For best effects do this to cop cars. Make some Molotov Cocktails for hot and spectacular excitement. Remember, since no riot is a good riot unless something burns to the ground be sure to set fire to anything even remotely flammable. Once the fires have started to merrily destroy buildings and other objects around you notice that the attention spans of cops are split between trying to bring the rioting crowds under control and trying to help fire crews put out the fires. At this time you should attack and capitalize on authority figures. Relieve cops of their weapons and when they fire the little tear gas projectiles in your direction be sure to toss them right back at the cops, preferably the cops without gasmask protection.

With any luck the riot you so cleverly constructed will last at least a couple of hours and at best a couple of days. Now you get to deal with the aftermath and the consequences of the riot. First things first, wash the pepper spray from your eyes. Secondly, use your one phone call to contact your attorney. Do not call friends and relatives as they cannot help you in your predicament. Thirdly, take the time to consider what possessions you can sell in order to post bail, that is if the court has not remanded you without bail. Last, but certainly not least, ask yourself and give great consideration as to whether or not the riot and the aftermath were worth the trouble. If they weren’t then you either gave a half-assed effort or had zero clue about what you were doing. If they were worth it, bravo! Don’t let the five year prison sentence bother you. With a little good luck and a lot of good behavior you will serve only half that time and be released just in time to start another riot.

I hope you have found my suggestions to be informative, feasible, and nothing short of pure, unadulterated mayhem. I bid you grace and peace.

Happy rioting.

Renovating the American Prison System

By: God the Disciplinarian

I was very recently considering the current poor condition that the prison system in the United States is in. It is a prison system that is for all intents and purposes in shambles and in a condition that is very near to exploding into an all out emergency. I am shocked at the rate at which Americans are locking each other away, American youths in particular. Curious as to what the main issues causing this problem are I did a little investigating of my own.

I visited five maximum security prisons in each of the twenty most populated states within the United States. I recorded as much information as possible to include the age and ethnicity of the prisoners, the types of crimes that prisoners were serving time for, the types of prison foods served to prisoners, and even the various activities that filled a prisoner’s day. What I discovered to be the problem is nowhere near what I thought the trouble would be. The problem, the reason why the prison system in the United States is in shambles is because it is run like it is a carnival. That is precisely the reason why the prisons in the United States are so crammed tight with criminals of every breed. Never mind that, though. I am now offering to you my solutions and recommendations for renovating the prison system in the United States.

First and foremost, absolutely no more weights or exercise equipment of any kind for criminals…period. No more baseball or softball teams. No more weight-lifting competitions, horse-shoe tournaments, or mini Olympics. The crimes these criminals committed earned them their prison sentences. The prison sentences are debts to be paid to society and not a membership to a health club where you have the opportunity to get into shape.

Criminals also need to learn that committing a crime and going to prison is not an opportunity to earn a college degree. For those criminal individuals who are too lazy to either earn a college scholarship, take out grants and loans, or pay their own way through college the prison system should no longer exist as an alternative route by which to acquire higher education. No more college degrees, occupational or vocational classes, or high school courses should be available to inmates. Instead, such programs and opportunities should be set aside for law abiding citizens who definitely desire higher education and could use the help.

The next necessary change is the design and occupation of the prison cells. Cells should no longer hold more than one inmate at a time. The buddy system within the prison system is over. Prisoners can now spend their closet-space spare time all on their lonesome. Each cell will have it’s own shower thus eliminating group shower time. The prisoner will have no control over the shower faucet, but rather the shower will turn on automatically at specific times. Shower curtains are also a no-go since history has shown that some prisoners can either escape or kill themselves with virtually anything.

All of the items that the current prison system allows criminals to keep in their cells are officially out. No more personal radios, televisions, books, magazines, photos, written correspondence, computers, or games. In addition at no time whatsoever shall any inmate be visited by anyone or receive any type of package or letter. With the no package and no letter rule the prisons would be virtually free of any number of drugs that have in the past been regularly smuggled in.

Now as far as the food in the prison system goes, unless an inmate suffers from an actual disease or ailment that necessitates a special diet all inmates will be served the same meals every day for every meal. All candies such as fruit chews, gummy candies, and licorice shall be served. Since candy is far cheaper than foods with even the lowest nutritional value the daily costs for feeding prisoners will drop to less than a penny, thus saving the prison system a b-zillion dollars a year. Water is the only beverage that will be served.

In order to further cut the costs or prison operations the prison system will recycle every item possible, utilize earth friendly green products and machinery, and reduce electricity usage by utilizing solar panels. In a great way to create jobs for the public the license plate factories that operate out of prisons will be shut down at the prisons and reopened where regular, law abiding citizens deserve to have good paying jobs with good benefits.

Consider all the points and solutions I have stated here. Think about the purpose and intent of incarceration in the first place. Confinement, prison, jail, whichever term you use, is intended to punish. Providing prisoners with any number of creature comforts, fitness opportunities, and free education is nowhere near anything remotely similar to what punishment is supposed to be and should be. Stop treating and running the prison system as if it were a carnival where customers may come right on in and test all the rides, leave for a short while, and then return at their leisure. The current prison system does such a poor job that more than half of the criminals released end up returning to prison. Institute the changes I recommend and the number of persons incarcerated will drop dramatically, and as an added gift a huge amount of pressure will be lifted from the American Justice System as a whole.

Don’t Take That Leap…Don’t Get Married

By: God the Practical

Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God to bring this man and this woman together in the bonds of Holy Matrimony…for what God has brought together shall no man put asunder…

I am willing to bet that you have heard this conjugal incantation time and again, and I am sure you do not need me to repeat the entire dialogue. However, I staunchly believe that the words to this marital chant be re-written to say, “Dearly Begrudging, we are gathered here in a sorrowful sight to chain together these two people in Holy Acrimony…for what they think they have together is nothing more than what just a few find is a blunder.” I am entirely serious about this. Why do people feel the need to get married? Is it because they feel they have that much in common with each other? Is it because they have children together? Is it because they love each other? Listen carefully: Marriage is a religious ceremony, a ceremony of culture that is unfortunately also a legally binding contract.

Many people will claim that marriage is a serious vow before God, shows how serious and dedicated two people are about their love for one another, and proves the depth of amorous emotions between two human beings. Serious? Dedicated? Proving the depth of amorous emotion? Allow me to inform you of some seriously disturbing matrimonial facts. People who get married are so serious about their vows that in the last fifty years the divorce rate has skyrocketed by more than nine hundred percent of what it was…well…fifty years ago. Fifty years ago only three of every one hundred marriages ended in divorce and in those cases the participating individuals believed that there was no other feasible, logical alternative. Fifty years later seventy-one of every one hundred marriages end in divorce. Individuals who have married are so very dedicated to the person that they promised to love forever that eighty-one percent have admitted to having thoughts of cheating on their spouse. Sixty percent of those admitting to having thoughts about cheating actually cheat. As for proving amorous emotions, ninety percent of those questioned remarked that the honeymoon effects of their love dissolved within three months of getting married. Forty-nine percent of couples regretted their matrimonial act by the end of the first week.

The well known lines of, “For better, for worse…in sickness and in health…for richer and for poorer,” have oft been the antithesis of those relationships that do have a chance of remaining intact. Whether or not married people actually believe these lines is not the problem. The problem is that many people use and abuse these words. For many people these words directly translate into, “I can treat you any way I wish, speak to you any way I wish, and treat you any way that I wish because you took a vow for better or for worse.” How so many people can try to use the words of a marriage ceremony as a free ticket to behave in whatever manner that pleases them is not only selfish and mentally twisted, but beyond all logical reasoning.

What people do not understand is that it is entirely unnecessary to set themselves up for failure by completely attaching themselves legally to another human being. If two people want to be together, then be together…move in with each other. If it lasts, then it lasts. If not, then it doesn’t. Don’t be so foolish as to change your name, open joint bank accounts, share ownership of property and just about everything else, and dilute your sense of self by allowing another person to become so much of your personal identity. Doing so will only increase the pain and bitterness and suffering of both partners down the line should the possibility of divorce rear it’s ugly head. I can assure you I know what I am talking about.

I have previously been married three different times. I know, I know…I should have learned and figured it out the first time around. Whatever. Anyways, I have to tell you it was not a slice of heaven. The women I had married repeatedly lied to me, cheated on me constantly with countless individuals, and so often embarrassed me in private and in front of friends and family that I no longer wished to be with them. If not for the damn marriage contracts I could have simply said, “I’m out! Bye!” But, because I was married I ended up having to part with half of the property that was mine to begin with as well as making alimony payments that the bitches…sorry, ladies, didn’t deserve in the first place.

So, what does this all mean and how does it affect those who are considering getting married? It means that you do not need a piece of paper, a religious ceremony, or a cultural tradition just to be able to love someone and express that love for them. For many people who get married and who later on down the matrimonial path decide to exhibit hurtful and unacceptable behavior there is often only mild fear of losing their spouse. Why is this so? It is because in the back of their minds they already have, possess their spouse by virtue of being married to them. Spouses who think like this are in a deplorably comfortable mindset, and by the time they realize their marriage has hit the rocks it is far too late to salvage anything.

Couples who simply decide to live with each other instead of jumping in the Shawshank Prison of matrimonial bliss have a far greater respect for the life that they share together. Without some half-baked marriage document or ceremony of marriage there is a greater effort placed into the relationship, because that relationship is not a contract. Therefore, not having a relationship mired in a marriage contract means a greater risk of separation, or all-out relationship failure should partners misbehave or consider misbehaving. Couple in non-marriage relationships are far less likely to put up with insidious, destructive, selfish, and apathetic behavior from each other.

In closing, while there are a few marriages of long duration the fact remains that in order to keep a relationship fresh there must never exist within that relationship anything to serve as a catalyst for sedentary thinking that would ultimately destroy the relationship. I stand by my guns when I say that marriage is the ultimate catalyst to the demise of a relationship. Look, ladies…if you love a man move in with him, but don’t change your name. The idea of the name change was to show ownership, and the idea that one person can own another person is absolute absurdity so you can toss that crapola out the window. Guys, if you love a lady move in with her, but don’t for the love of God open joint bank accounts or buy jointly owned property because I can assure you that the moment she gets tired with you she will not hesitate to take half, possibly more, of everything that you own whether or not you acquired it while you were married to her. Follow my recommendations on relationships and marriage and you will find that you have never been happier.

Buying Gifts for Recipients You Really Don’t Want to Buy For

By: God the Persevering

Last Christmas my boss God Almighty decided to begin a new tradition at work. He decided that from then on we would all participate in a Secret Santa gift exchange. This meant that everybody’s name would go into a hat, my boss would shake it up, and then everyone would pick out a name. The name an individual picked would be the individual they were to purchase a gift for.

In theory this is a pretty good idea. In practice it is a stupid idea. Inevitably there will always be someone at the office that you absolutely detest and you can put good money on it you will end up pulling their name. For me things are a little bit worse as I work with quite a few individuals I can’t stand to even be around. For example, Lucifer is a whiner who always gets what he wants every time he stamps his cloven little hooves and complains to his dad. Jesus the Good Shepherd of the Blessed Flock is a kiss-ass who is always running little errands for God Almighty just to gain favor. Christ the Lamb and the Lamb of the Flock don’t deserve anything from me since they are so ever-loving self-righteous.

Anyways, the day we pulled the names out of the hat I was very irritated as I drew Lucifer’s name. Lucky me, right? I went for a drive and ended up stopping at a gas station for a snack. I went in side the gas station store and was happily surprised as, lo and behold, but there in front of the cashier’s counter stood a rack of trinkets and collectables, all inexpensive. I picked out six key chains, seventeen mini flashlights, nine low-quality bungee tie packs, eleven cheapie tire pressure testers, and forty-eight tree shaped car air fresheners…all for a measly three bucks. After returning home I began to consider other items that were cheap and that could be passed off as gifts. I now share with you this pertinent information.

Toiletries and sundry items are amazingly cheap and easy to find. I suggest purchasing one of those fifty-cent birthday bags and stuffing it with toothbrushes, soaps, body washes, shavers, shaving cream, lotions, combs, brushes, tampons, and maxi pads. Sometimes you can even find an actual sundry set that sells all of these very same items altogether for an agreeable price.

Household items such as door mats, bathroom rugs for the toilet, kitchen sponges, brooms, mops, plungers, closet hangers, and key chain holders are inexpensive yet functional gifts. There are even quite a few kitchen appliances that are relatively cheap. These items include one slice toasters, blenders that possess only one speed, manual can openers, utensil drawer trays, and cheapie microwaves (the kind that take six days to cook a frozen burrito).

Personal clothing items can be found for pennies on the dollar at any ninety-nine cent establishment. Clothing items include underwear, socks, panty hose, bras, jock straps, lingerie, and garters. Check the clearance racks for such items as pants, skirts, jackets, and shirts. These items are usually dirt cheap considering that most individuals would not want to be caught dead wearing them at home, much less out in public.

Entertainment items are many times so inexpensive you can purchase them with wampum, thereby avoiding having to use your own real money. Some of these items are disposable cameras, travel alarm clocks, universal remotes, walkie-talkies (the ones that are poorly manufactured and have a range of about twelve feet), and laser pens. Electronic pocket games are another good choice. DVDs, albeit those with titles you’ve never heard, can be bought by the armload with minimal expenditure. These DVDs usually have names like The Day of the UFO, Chased by the Devil, It Came From the Bottom of the Sea, Battle in Space, and Tasty Morsel of the Vampire.

Self-help tapes and audio disks are another good idea, provided that you are not purchasing the ones that really do help the self. The real and well-known self-help audio products are very expensive. Titles you should look for are “Discover Your Hidden Violent Streak”, “Taking Over the World in Just Three Weeks”, “Stop Smoking, Start Drinking”, “Administering Your Own Shock Therapy”, and “How to File a Frivolous Lawsuit”.

There are plenty of other items that do not necessarily fit into any particular category. Some of these items are matches and lighter fluid, scented candles, computer mouse pads, miniature screwdriver sets, sticky car compasses, fuzzy dice, miniature sewing kits, scarves and mittens, flip-flops, lotion dispensers, and refrigerator magnets.

I hope what I have had to say is very helpful to you. Now you can approach any gift-giving season with confidence and gusto.

Little Known Syndromes and Maladies

By: God the Healer

I would like to discuss a considerable number of syndromes and maladies that for some reason or other modern medicine ignores. It is in my opinion that the continued existence of man within the eternal loop of time hinges precariously on whether or not these health issues are recognized, treated, controlled, and possibly eradicated altogether. Without further ado I will recount what I discovered more than a time and a half ago. I am hopeful that you will take the initiative to address these serious, often lethal illnesses. First I will list various syndromes and then I will list other diseases.

Syndromes:

1. Stupid Syndrome (SS)

While many members of society claim above average intelligence many of these same individuals suffer from SS. Examples of individuals with SS include panhandlers, hookers, and teenagers who wear those god-awful baggy pants.

2. Stupid Asshole Syndrome (SAS)

Examples of individuals with SAS include cheaters, litterbugs, and fast-food drive-thru workers who can’t get orders right to save their lives.

3. Severe Stupid Asshole Syndrome (SSAS)

This is Kevin Federline all the way.

4. Stupid Bitch Syndrome (SBS)

You ever see people one the freeway weaving in the fast lane at mach ten while putting on make-up and talking on the phone? This is what these people suffer from.

5. Sever Stupid Bitch Syndrome (SSBS)

Have you ever seen the television show called The Simple Life? This is what those two girls on the show, the main characters, suffer from.

6. Stupid F**ker Syndrome (SFS)

Do you recall the scandal surrounding R. Kelly? This is what he suffers from.

7. Severe Stupid F**ker Syndrome (SSFS)

Do you recall a certain elected official who cheated twice on presidential elections and won? This is his cross to bear.

8. Severe Irreversible Stupid F**ker Syndrome (SISFS)

It is widely known that leaders of religious cults suffer from this.

9. Stupid Mother F**ker Syndrome (SMFS)

According to most ex-wives this is largely suffered by ex-husbands.

10. Severe Irreversible Stupid Mother F**ker Syndrome (SISMFS)

This syndrome applies to all athletes who try to gain an edge by using steroids.

11. Irritable Personality Syndrome (IPS)

This is Hillary Clinton all the way. The very sound of her voice is like nails on a chalkboard to me.

12. Irreversible Severe Irritable Personality Syndrome (ISIPS)

That moron comic Carrot Top suffers from this syndrome like no one else.

13. Little Man Syndrome (LMS)

If upon first meeting a man he informs you of his forty foot yacht, his three homes in Beverly Hills, his gun collection, his genuine Samurai Warrior outfit, and his four-wheel drive pickup truck you can bet he has a penis the size of one of those mini hotdogs that come in a can.

14. Wanna Be Gang Banger Syndrome (WBGBS)

Symptoms of this syndrome include zero motivation or desire for personal improvement, baggy pants that are fifteen sizes too big, communicating in Ebonics or Traileronic (white trash) dialects, bragging about handgun knowledge and possession, illegal use and distribution of any type of drug, insatiable laziness, and repeatedly threatening others with ‘ass beating’ or ‘ass kicking’.

15. Woe Is Me Syndrome (WIMS)

This is suffered by ninety-eight percent of the criminals and prisoners within the United States Justice System. Symptoms include blaming committed crimes on derelict fathers and drug usage on non-nurturing mothers during childhood.

16. Lazy Ass Syndrome (LAS)

This is suffered by all citizens who intend to leech off of public assistance programs for life.

17. Can’t Drive For Shit Syndrome (CDFSS)

It sounds bad, yet it is true that ninety-nine percent of bad drivers are in fact Asian.

18. Spoiled Brat Syndrome (SBrS)

You know who I’m talking about, right? Those little kids who throw themselves down in the store and pitch a fit because mommy won’t buy them candy. Somebody needs a spanking.

Other Illnesses and Diseases:

1. Physio-halitosis

A condition where the entire individual and everything they own smells like shit or something worse.

2. Prefrontal Cortex Infarction

A condition where the individual’s common sense ceases to exist.

3. Cerebral Cyanosis

A condition where the individual could not think themselves out of a paper bag if their life depended on it.

4. Hemorrhagic Theatre

Suffered by movie goers who go into shock after spending a mortgage on two movie tickets, two popcorn buckets, one large coke, a box of gummy candies, and a glow-in-the-dark condom from the public restroom.

5. Mental Bifida

These individuals should never be in charge of or have access to sharp objects or weapons of any sort. They should also never have a job that is much more complicated than a janitor’s position.

6. Emotional Compassionate Sarcoma

Those individuals suffering from this could give two shits and a rat’s ass about anyone in the world other than themselves.

7. Mental Colitis

Suffered by all individuals who are consistently full of shit.

8. Hostility Perosis

Suffered by all aggressive and violent individuals who ought to be launched into outer space just to make the planet safe for the rest of humanity.

9. Degenerative and Compulsive Lazitis

Suffered by insanely lazy people who believe they should have the entire world at their beckon call without having to work or make any effort of any kind.

10. Mental-athero Cranial Sclerosis

Hardening of the head. Symptoms include poor decision making, zero common sense, frequent difficulty understanding real life.

11. Mental-stupis Thelioma

Permanent deterioration of the mental process. Symptoms include poor and non-sensical conversation peppered with lies and exaggerations.

12. Stupor Mentalis Cashola

Persistent poor management of money.

13. Hali-me-mine-osis

Chronic selfishness. Symptoms include decisions that reek of zero consideration of anyone but the self.

14. Foul Olfactis Gluteassis

Persistent and permanent physical smell of sour ass.

15. Foul Olfactis Dentitia

Persistent and permanent death breath.

16. Feces Olfactis Horror

Persistently horribly smelling bowel movements.

17. Pudgekins Disease

Permanent physical fatness.

18. Sensical Cerebral Palsy

A condition where common sense ceases to exist in an individual.

19. My-Carditis Negro Cardiostalsis

A condition where the individual suffers from a black heart.

20. Stuporsis Mega-Mentaldonia

A condition where the individual never experiences a single conscious thought.

21. Megalo Egomania

A condition where the individual’s ego is exponentially larger than their actual importance.

22. Stupor Mentalsis Minor

Stupid people suffer from this.

23. Stupor Mentalsis Major

Really stupid people suffer from this.

24. Flatulo Olfactis Horror

A condition where the individual’s passed gas could peel wall paper or drown out a skunk’s odiferous emanations.

Worst Movies Ever

By: Lamb of the Blessed Flock

Have you ever gone to see a movie and then left disappointed because the movie you just paid an arm and a leg to see and that was supposed to be something great wasn’t? Every year there are at least ten movies that are released that should never have even made it off of the cutting room floor. Whether it is due to a poor plot, poor acting, no discernable plot other than people killing or screwing each other, or poor special effects the following list is a compilation of some of the worst movies ever. The title of each offending movie is given followed by words of wisdom and distain. All of these movies are equally stupid so keep in mind that I number them for simplicity’s  sake.

1. High School Musical

This is a terrifying movie slash musical about teenagers who are trying to sing, fall in love, play sports, do homework, and pop pimples all at once.

2. High School Musical II

As if the first episode of the pimply-faced pubescent singers wasn’t freakish enough this sequel picks up the cinematic anguish where the prequel left off.

3. Cloverfield

Such a cutesy little name for a movie devoid of anything remotely interesting. Newscasters were recommending that people take motion-sickness medication before viewing the movie since the camera motion was making people feel sick. I say screw the motion-sickness medication and use your upset stomach as an excuse to leave the movie.

4. I Know Who Killed Me

So, you know who killed you? Then why make a friggin’ movie about it? Why not go straight to the police? Besides, since you continue to make retarded movies I guess whoever killed you didn’t do a very good job.

5. Fargo

Frances Macdormand performs wonderfully in this otherwise boring movie where characters say “YAH!” about fourteen billion times.

6. Wendigo

This movie is supposed to be about a spooky Native American ghost/spirit thing. They missed the mark so badly with this film and would have done better to film Winnebago…a horror flick about an RV.

7. Lake Placid

A gargantuan crocodile harasses the folks trying to capture him. The end. Big time stupid. The only good parts are when Betty White’s lines include shocking cuss words.

8. Death Wish Series

If they make another sequel in this goddamn series I will wish for death.

9. Hercules in New York

This was Arnold Schwarzenegger’s first movie and it’s a bad one.

10. Hellraiser Series

This very stupid movie series couldn’t raise hell if the Devil was the movie director. Come to think of it, this series couldn’t raise enough interest in movie goers with the last couple of sequels and the movies’ direct release to video is testament to this.

11. Scream Series

I swear to God if they make another Scream movie I am going to scream.

12. Seven Days, Seven Nights

I was severely ill for seven days and seven nights after watching this movie.

13. The Longest Yard

This is the longest and most boring football movie ever.

14. Night at the Museum

Night at the Morgue would have had more plot and would have been far more interesting.

15. Poseidon Remake

Great acting all around in this film. Unfortunately, problems arise when Josh Lucas’ character cliff dives into the flaming water, when the marooned group proceeds to travel by air duct, and when every character seemed to be able to hold their breath for fifteen minutes. Who the freak dives into water without first knowing how deep or shallow it is? And, I have seen air ducts on many occasions and I can assure you they are barely big enough for roaches to squeeze through. Finally, there is zero probability that in their frenzied state all of those people would be able to hold their breath and swim fairly large distances while pulling a kid in tow.

16. You, Me, and Irene

How about you, you, and a psychiatrist?

17. Fun With Dick and Jane

There was nothing fun about this movie and the lack of movie goers proved this. Had producers filmed a racier movie and called it Fun With Whips and Chains there would have been a far better turnout.

18. Batman and Robin as well as Batman Forever

They should have stopped with the first two movies that starred Michael Keaton as the caped hero. The poor quality of the remainder Batman movies made movie goers feel that the film studios were robbing them blind. A special film panel should be created just to tell Batman eager directors that no one is allowed to make anymore Batman movies…forever and ever.

19. Left Behind

This apocalyptic film is based on the Holy Bible’s traditional belief of an Antichrist provoked Armageddon. Kirk Cameron, who plays main character Buck Williams, should have left this script behind when it was offered to him. Long-winded, preachy, and condemning to anyone who does not believe the same as Christians this film ought to be launched into outer space…along with Kirk Cameron.

20. Something Wicked This Way Comes

A better title for this movie would be Something Stupid This Way Comes.

21. Phantoms

This wanna be horror movie based on the Dean Koontz novel by the same name is a great cure for insomnia. Twenty minutes of watching and you’re guaranteed to be asleep. The plot, much like the phantom, remains elusive the entire movie.

22. Rose Red

I love Stephen King as a writer. He is incredibly gifted. However, even the best in any field can have off days or can develop products and ideas that should be nowhere save for the dump heap. This movie is more or less about a house that is a vampire of sorts. Yes, you read that correctly…a house that is a vampire. What’s next, Steve? A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman who is stalked by a demon possessed toaster all while trying to locate his birth mother who happens to be a Voodoo priestess?

23. Critters

This is one series of movies that did not have a good initial film. It was insanely stupid from the get go. Here we have volley ball sized fur balls with sharp teeth and a taste for people.

24. Fright Night

The only things scary about this film are the make-up and the special effects.

25. A Mighty Wind

This movie title sounds like one of those pull my finger jokes.

26. The Adventures of Pluto Nash

To sit through this entire movie is an adventure all on it’s own.

27. The Greatest Story Ever Told

The greatest story ever told is the greatest story never told.

28. Alan Quarterman and the Lost City of Gold

Quarterman ought to be drawn and quartered for agreeing to star in this wanna be Indiana Jones type flick.

29. The Empire Strikes Back

What them Empire should have done was gone back to the drawing board because this was a stupid movie.

30. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (people version)

How the Grinch could have agreed to star in a movie where all the little children either look inbred or hydrocephalic is beyond me.

31. The Silence of the Lambs

You know, Jodie Fosters’ character could have saved herself time and effort by giving the lambs some valium instead of becoming pen pals with Dr. Lector just to get answers.

32. Wizard of Oz

Somewhere over the rainbow? Tell you what, it’s going to be somewhere over the bridge if you don’t shut the hell up.

33. Yentyl

Hey, I like Barbara Streisand just as much as the next person, but I think the movie sucked and probably would have been better had it been about lentils.

34. Muppets Take Manhattan

What the Muppets should have taken is nystatin to help get rid of all that fuzzy shit on their bodies.

35. The Never-ending Story

Which is precisely why I didn’t go see the movie.

36. Harry and the Hendersons

A heart warming tale about a Wookie marooned on planet earth and forced to take a job as Bigfoot just to make ends meet.

37. Stop or My Mom Will Shoot

You know what, Sly? You should have let your mother shoot you so we wouldn’t have to be subjected to the toxic effects of your films.

38. Crossroads

This movie is Brittney Spears’ half-assed attempt to break into acting.

39. Spawn

Watching a documentary about spawning salmon is certainly more interesting than this incredibly boring movie.

40. Child’s Play Series

As with much horror movies the original movie was the only good one. The basic story line is a possessed little doll goes about killing nearly every adult that crosses his path.

41. Star Trek VII

The search for movie goers.

42. Free Willy

The title makes it sound like it was filmed in the Oval Office.

43. Deep Blue Sea

A big fat ‘D’ as far as movies go. The only really good scene in this movie is where Samuel L. Jackson’s character is saying that they are all going to get out and survive and suddenly this mega shark pops out of the pool and gobbles him up.

44. I’ll Never Tell

And I’ll never tell people to go see this movie.

45. Gods and Generals

God help us since the general consensus of movie goers is that watching this movie is worse than taking a dump in your pants.

46. Leprechaun Series

This is an incredibly stupid and psycho horror series. One little mean and feisty green dude goes about grotesquely killing everyone. There are even sequels called Leprechaun in Space and Leprechaun in the Hood. As if tenement housing in the ghetto needs another problem.

47. Flintstones

I hate this movie so much I don’t know what to say.

48. The Little Vampire

Since when is being a vampire cute and cuddly?

49. Titanic

An epic length film that drags out the drowning of more than a thousand people all while trying to relay the puppy dog sweetness of young love.

50. Saw Sequels

Look, after the first Saw movie there really isn’t much left to do to the human body as far as torture and death go. Drop it, geeze!

51. Pulse

A movie about some creepy virus thing that passes to people as they mess around with their computers. Sure. You would have to be without a pulse in order to be able to sit through the entire movie.

52. Mary Poppins

So, this whacked out nanny with an umbrella and a British accent descends on a family with two saucy children, teaching them to clean their rooms with magic, jump into sidewalk paintings, and feed some scraggly looking pigeons for toppins a bag.

53. Friday the 13th Series

The first movie in this series was vaguely interesting and that is it. There should never have been a second and third movie much less a fourth, fifth, and sixth. That sideshow freak Jason Voorhees goes tip-toeing around a campsite that is crawling with horny teens as he looks for his next victim while he struggles to breathe through his hockey mask and asthmatic sounding lungs.

54. Nightmare on Elm Street Series

Much like the Friday the 13th Series, Nightmare on Elm Street was pretty good in it’s initial film. There never should have been sequels. So, this hell-bound, burn victim freak Freddy slinks around in the dark of teenagers’ dreams trying to capture their souls as he scares them to death. Wow. So original.

55. Number 23

So, a number takes over a girl and makes her kill herself. Then, this guy reads this book about the number twenty-three and figures that he is the killer driven by the number twenty-three. This whole movie is about the number twenty-three and how many times it can be attributed to just about anyone in the movie. Hey, your birthday numbers add up to twenty-three, your full name has twenty-three letters in it, you live twenty-three miles from the Mexican border, you are twenty-three days late on your electricity payment, and you have twenty-three squares of toilet paper left on the roll. Clever, so clever. If you can stay longer than twenty-three minutes watching this movie you are a real champion.

56. Room 1408

This movie was based on a Stephen King story by the same name. The movie made no goddamn sense whatsoever; however, the written story was quite good. The entire time you are watching the movie you are waiting for the plot to reveal itself at least a little bit, but this never happens. There is zero scariness in this movie except for the fact that millions were spent making it.

57. King Kong Remake

Granted, the special effects in this movie were actually pretty good, but that is all that was good about this movie. The editor of this movie ought to be fired being as though there were about thirty or so minutes of useless footage before you even got to see the freaking ape. Then there is the actor Jack Black. He is a good actor, don’t get me wrong, but he totally sucked in this movie. Huge thumbs down for this movie.

58. Annie

This is a stupid movie through and through. Stupid bratty kids in a stupid orphanage run by a stupid old woman. Don’t even get me started on that stupid song “Tomorrow”.

59. Trip to Bountiful

In this movie a little old lady who qualifies at Moses’ grandma decides she wants to go back to her childhood roots. Granny gets on a bus without telling her son who goes ballistic as he tries to find her. Here is a suggestion: Check the old lady into a convalescent home and tie her to the bed. Then administer regular thorazine shots. She won’t go anywhere then.

60. Mr. Bean Movies

Look, the Brits can keep their dry-as-a-cat’s-ass humor on their side of the pond.

61. Wishmaster

This movie is insanely ridiculous and is about an evil jinn that grants twisted wishes to all mortals who cross his path. Hummm…I wish this movie never existed.

62. Robocop Sequels

Our refurbished law enforcement pal single-handedly brings police strikes, petty thieves, and evil corporations to their knees. “Stop! Or I’ll shoot!” Please do! At least then I won’t have to watch the damn movie.

63. Rocky Sequels

The first two movies about the Italian Stallion were pretty good. The third and fourth were barely survivable. All the other ones were a waste of cinematic efforts. What’s next? Rocky: Part XX…our aged hero fights bravely to get out of his wheelchair?

64. Eyes Wide Shut

Mister Cruise, if you had released this pornographic film to the x-rated, pay-as-you-watch cable channels instead of regular theatres you probably would have elicited a far better response. My eyes were shut the entire movie.

65. Jurassic Park Sequels

The very first Jurassic Park movie was simply outstanding. The next two movies revoked most of that with poor plot, poor special effects, poor character development, and on occasion poor acting.

66. D.C. Cab

Mr. T is part of the supporting cast for this movie as is Gary Busey. These celebrities have no luck whatsoever in trying to make this a good film. I watched this film through entirely just out of morbid curiosity. Bottom line, this movie is a whole bunch of random shit thrown together and the only thing that makes it remotely interesting is the continual psychotic behavior of the characters.

67. The Land Before Time

Lord save us all, but isn’t this one of the most stupid cartoon movies? Dinosaurs sing and dance and kill each other as they try to survive a cataclysmic climate shift.

68. Land of the Dead

This sequel to the remake of Dawn of the Dead tries to reinvent the image of the zombies by inferring that they are creatures with just as much right to live as every one else. Those individuals who wrote this movie and produced it were licking the wrong toad.

69. Day After Tomorrow

Who doesn’t enjoy a good natural disaster film every now and then? Dennis Quaid is a fine and talented actor and while he does bring something extra to this film, the film still fizzles. The part where Quaid’s character is traveling to New York by self ambulatory means comes across as completely unbelievable. Remember the part where the eye of the storm passes over Quaid and the air becomes so cold that the American flag freezes in place as it billows in the wind? If it was really that damn cold Quaid’s parka outfit, no matter how thick and well-made, would also have frozen…leaving Quaid looking like a little yellow popsicle in the snow.

70. Snakes on a Plane

In a day and age where you cannot even board a plane without a cavity search, a DNA test, a saliva swab, and immunizations do you really buy the story line?

71. Kicking and Screaming

Yep, I was kicking and screaming as my date tried to drag me back into the movie theatre to watch the rest of the movie.

72. Rats

Any movie about animals that try to wipe man from the face of the planet is guaranteed to bring on explosive diarrhea.

73. Bats

A mad scientist turns the cute little nocturnal mammals into aggressive, flesh-eating fighter jets.

74. Eight-Legged Freaks

Here we go again with man poisoning the environment and the environment fighting back.

75. Empire of the Ants

Joan Collins stars in this low budget, no-one-is-going-to-watch-it movie. Oh, yes. You guessed the culprit that mutated the ants…toxic waste. Towards the end of the movie there is a scene where people are actually lining up so that they can get hypnotized by the queen ant. This movie is toxic to the brain of a normally functioning person.

76. Home Alone Sequels

The original movie was fantastic. Unfortunately, the sequels were not really about boys struggling to survive sans mother, but rather cataloged adults trying to survive some very mean tricks at the hands of the little brats.

77. Honey, I Blew Up the Kid

Honey, I blew up this movie.

78. Pet Cemetery II

The first Pet Cemetery was great! They should have left the sequel at the morgue, or made it about little pets that catch a liking for Jesus in a major way and then called the movie Pet Seminary.

79. Carrie

This would definitely have been a better movie had the director stayed closer to the original story by Stephen King. Or, it might have been more interesting to center the movie around Carrie’s severely whacked out, oppressive, bible-thumping mother.

80. The Fog

The entire movie is spent running away from Los Angeles smog-type fog, while bogeymen make scary noises and cast shadows. It should have been called The Flop.

81. Dreamcatcher

So, in this movie bad spacemen bring to earth giant slugs with razor sharp teeth. After being seeded in a host, usually human, the slimy little parasites gestate for a short spell before bursting out the host’s ass. Sounds like a bad commercial for a proctology exam.

82. Halloween Sequels

Michael Meyers, in the course of about eight movies, is shot, stabbed, set on fire, crushed, run over, beheaded, and excommunicated. How the freak does he continue to survive to make more movies? And another thing, how is it possible that Meyers can maintain a slow, lumbering gait and still be able to catch up with his victim who is running faster than Carl Lewis at the Olympics?

83. Texas Chainsaw Massacre

All my exes live in Texas. Not if this crazy mother f**ker got to them, they don’t.

84. Stranger than Fiction

Stranger than Stupid should have been the title to this colorless movie. This movie really made me want to scream as it took what could have been a totally interesting plot and absolutely murdered it with one of the worst movie scripts and movie endings of all time.

85. Jaws Sequels

Like many movie series the original film about this shark was the best one. The remaining sequels were horribly remedial, especially the movie where the lady travels to the Bahamas and the crack smoking shark follows her to the Bahamas in order to exact some type of revenge.

86. Doctor Giggles

Hey, if the doctor is giggling then he either does not know what the hell he is doing, or he’s been into the nitrous oxide.

87. Dumb and Dumberer

This is an amazingly appropriate movie title for this movie. A flock of pigeons could have written a better script.

88. Dare Devil

Yeah, sure. I dare you to watch this movie about a blind superhero who cavorts around town trying to score cool points with the hapless citizens.

89. The Mummy Returns

And the mummy can go right back to where he came from.

90. Python

Okay, a gargantuan snake feeds on people as if the two legged mammals were tic-tacs. By the way, if the snake is a python, as so inferred by the movie’s title, why did it have a rattlesnake rattle?

91. Wyatt Earp

This movie was so bad and boring that when they showed it at a convalescent home the elderly had to be sedated so they wouldn’t get up out of their seats in an effort to save themselves from three hours of cinematic garbage.

92. Water World

I have come to the conclusion that Kevin Costner is obsessed with spending millions of dollars on uninteresting movies. He must have money falling out of his asshole. How nice.

93. Rocky Horror Picture Show

A friend of mine invited me over for dinner and made me watch this movie slash musical with them. They cackled the entire movie while I just about dug my fingers into my eye sockets just so I wouldn’t have to watch it any more. By the time a very young Meatloaf rode onto the scene on his motorcycle I was ready to do anything for love but watch that damn movie any longer.

94. Congo

This movie was a hilarious attempt at some kind of nature thriller, or something. You could totally tell when they were using the real gorillas and when they were using the fake ones (which was most of the movie). Tim Curry played this Romanian adventurer, or something, and went about the entire movie with the worst accent and sounded like he was trying to sound British and German while having a mouth full of marbles. But, by far the best and most side-splitting part of the movie is when a mechanism is placed on the gorilla’s arm, giving audible words to whatever motion the gorilla made: “Amy…Amy…gorilla. Good…good gorilla. Mother…mother…Amy mother.” Seriously, you have to rent the movie just to watch that part alone.

95. Skeeter

In this cinematic SNAFU toxic chemicals seep into the environment and eventually poison the mosquitoes. The mosquitoes then morph into demonic looking pigeons and proceed to terrorize the people of a small town.

96. Poltergeist Sequels

The first movie in this series was not bad, but every single one of the sequels was a pathetic bore. The old preacher guy, the one I am assuming they intended to appear scary, looks like an anorexic version of the Quaker Oats Man. I have exorcised the movie goers…this theatre is clear.

97. AI (Artificial Intelligence)

Artificial plot, artificial acting, and artificial movie goers.

98. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Remake

The first version with Gene Wilder was good enough, not to mention the songs were better in the first one as well. What is it with the Oompah Loompahs in the remake being dressed in patent leather exercise outfits?

99. Battlefield Earth

Mr. Travolta, no one is impressed with your religious spin on things. This movie was boring and lacked any kind of depth. Large numbers of people left this movie feeling markedly dumber.

Make the World a Better Place

By: Satan

I am quite sure that many of those who would read this essay are at least a little bit familiar with the story of how God Almighty supposedly cast Satan out of heaven after Satan supposedly tried to overthrow God Almighty. It sounds hokey, doesn’t it? Well it is a giant crock pot full of you-know-what. I am not sure where this particular rumor started, but it has been a thorn in my side for countless ages now. For those who do not know the truth I was never cast out of anywhere by anyone.

Unfortunately, too many people out there are hell bent on blaming me, Satan, for all the bad crap that happens to people. I am not responsible for the horrific decisions man makes on a regular basis. I am not the cause of humanity’s suffering. I am not responsible for all the things that are wrong with the world, and I am not the catalyst for the state of decay the world is in. There is no literal hell that I preside over. You must try harder to understand that there is no particular place that can be called hell, just like there is no particular place that can be called heaven. Both heaven and hell are relative to the individual who experiences them.

Anyone within existence is capable of moving in and out of the various realities and parallels as there are no boundaries save for those created by man himself. When man begins to suffer the effects of the poor choices he has made the first thing he does is to blame me. Good ‘ole Satan is always ready and willing to simply sit by and take what is coming, right? Wrong.

I would like for you to take a minute of your time and seriously consider how often you hear either yourself or other people preaching about making the world a better place. Now think about the last time you actually did come across a situation where you had the opportunity to infuse a little bit of caring and compassion into the world. Did you take the opportunity to set positive energy in motion? Or maybe, you just didn’t seem to have the time, right? Or perhaps, you have been so wronged by so many people in your life that you feel that you have some sort of right to fling some negative energy into the mix.

Let me tell you something, all of you people out there who think that just because you have been treated poorly you in turn can treat others poorly. There is nothing in this great, grand, and glorious universe that gives any being the right to treat any one else unfairly. Any negative experience you have had, are having, or will have in the future will never give you the right to behave in a tasteless manner toward anyone else.

Am I being unrealistic? No. If you people just put more effort into controlling yourselves, your emotions, your desires, and things of such a nature you would be pleasantly surprised at the improvement of most everything around you. I am not saying that anyone will get it done without mistakes. What fun would that be? You cannot learn anything of great and lasting value unless you fail every now and then. Failure happens to everyone, but if all you focus on is the negative and the impact it has had on the things and people around you then you fail in an even worse way. You develop fatalistic thinking. You become very selfish and give less and less of yourself and your time to others because you are afraid you will either get your feelings hurt or that you will receive nothing in return.

If you are worried about these issues you are missing the whole point of living. Do not just live for yourself. Live to love life. Live to love others. Live to place as much of everything that is positive into everything that you are, everything that you touch, and everything that you do. Put love and compassion into your lives everyday and not just when it is comfortable for you. If you only do things that are considered good only at times when it best suits you, then you aren’t really doing anything good, are you? Do you want to make this world, this life, and the next life better? Get up and do it!

Do yourselves a favor and never forget that it is okay to get discouraged. It is okay to feel that deep, pent-up anger that seems to bubble out of your very soul when you feel like you are having ‘bad’ things happen to you at every turn of your life. It is okay to feel like that…you’re human! What did you expect? Hell, no one said that life would be easy, but do you realize how much more difficult you make things for yourself and those around you by allowing yourself to become mired in your anger and frustration? When you sense yourself beginning to sink into this type of mode, when you feel like saying you want to quit, this is when you need to tune into that part of you that is divine, that part of you that ties you into all that is good and precious and excellent in this universe. It is this part within all human beings that if people would only seek it out they would find that the light of love would shine brighter and brighter from their very souls.

For many people I understand that it is hard for them to want to make the world a better place when it seems like everything they are doing in their life is crappy-doo and not making any positive difference. I know what it is to feel like this, to feel like a failure. In reality it is even worse for me in many respects. I know what it is like to be hated by nearly all people, and for all the wrong reasons at that. I don’t even know if I can adequately express everything I have been through, my God! Sometimes I get to hurting so bad that I want to non-exist. Then, after I have had a good chat with my father, after I have had enough of feeling sorry for myself, I resituate and re-examine what I need to do in order to maintain a strong positive energy.

There have been times in eternity that are so incredibly terrible and harrowing and where those individuals I am trying to reach abuse the lessons I have taught them. But after a good bout of introspection I realize that even if I only reach a few individuals who are willing to weather the oft craziness of life, who are willing to get back up after stumbling, who are willing to sacrifice their egos purely for the sake of doing good, then I have accomplished something very, very holy. It is these types of individuals who are so touched and driven by whatever lesson I have obediently laid at their feet that I can completely rely on them to help spread hope, peace, mercy, love, spiritual endurance, and true life purpose.

I remember when I was younger and God Almighty was considering where to place me within the whole scheme of things within the universe. My father decided that my capabilities as a mediator made me a perfect candidate as a go-between for man and God the Everlasting. My job began simply enough, I was to get the attention of the godless and immoral individuals and encourage them to change their ways. I was the one standing before God the Everlasting on behalf of the ‘sinner’. I was the one defending humanity and trying to explain away poor behavior as well as poor choices. I was the one who more than anyone else understood the failings of man, his frustrations and his fears. I understood that when people became despondent, especially in the face of disappointment, they often acted out of sheer desperation. I was the one to pick up the slack. I was the one to convince my grandfather to be merciful to those who did not seem to possess the endurance or the spiritual intelligence to make good life choices.

Unfortunately, my techniques to woo people towards all things positively divine were very often misinterpreted or ignored altogether. It became increasingly evident that the positive, compassionate, and considerate approach that I had up to that point practiced was simply not good enough. Sure, lots of people wanted a better world but not everyone wanted to do the actual work. Heaven forbid that some people would have to overlook their own personal desires and set aside their stingy and emotionally bankrupt egos.

Not knowing exactly which course of action I needed to take I asked God the Forgiving to help me to turn the hardened hearts of some of these people I was having trouble with. While I did not like the solution that God the Forgiving gave me I understood that there was nothing left to do than to practice the opposite of what I had been previously trying. I no longer picked up the slack for so many people, but rather allowed the consequences of their actions to run their course.

Almost immediately more people began to pray and ask guidance from God as they perceived Him to be. At first I was very encouraged by people’s reactions and thought that more people would finally start to live life as it is intended to be lived…with an open heart and an open mind. My encouragement very quickly turned to dismay and disgust when I realized what some people were doing; some people were beginning to blame me for every distasteful action, every painful experience, every short-coming, and every unfavorable situation. Somehow it was interpreted that my motives were supposedly to turn people away from God and to ensure that as many people as possible were condemned to hell.

I believe that I have never been so angry as I was at that point in my life. It seemed like there were loads of people who were not in the least bit concerned with those issues and ideals that center on wholesome living. It seemed there were insurmountable numbers of people who gave two shits about ethics, morality, love, and what it takes to really and truly live. So many people were only concerned about getting their own way, making their own rules that were riddled with fallacies, and breaking the few rules that did support something good, something truthful. So many people blamed the Devil, me, or any number of my relatives for the unhappiness and tragedy in life.

I don’t know who these people thought they were fooling, but I can guarantee you they were only fooling themselves. These people relished in partaking in behavior that could be called nothing other than abominable, yet when it came to paying the bill they wanted no part in it. Some people even tried to screw up the concepts of God and worship, shaping these things into tools that could be used to be ‘forgiven’ of anything under the sun, or used to pit people against one another. There were even people who came up with this absurd idea that they could do whatever it was they wanted, and then simply pray to Jesus to be forgiven for whatever it was they had done…thus being made new in the Blood of the Lamb.

Let me tell you something. There is absolutely no being in this universe that can be made new without a change in thinking, intent, and behavior. Too many people simply did not want to give up their abuse of power or their efforts to control one another by use of fear. A pity that more people didn’t see the obvious contradiction between what they were saying and what they were actually doing. A lot of people wanted the world to be a better place, but an awful lot of those people were loathe to abandon bad habits that placed them in seats of comfort and power. A lot of people simply did not want to do without the necessary psychological weapons with which to subjugate their fellow creatures.

After long conversations with God Almighty and God the Forgiving I calmed down. Just because there were people who did not care for anything other than themselves, that did not mean that everyone was like that. There are people who do try very hard to make the world a better place. I needed to focus on that as a move in the right direction and keep doing what I was doing…trying to help people make the world a better place. And so I did.

Here we are, eons after the creation of man and some people still choose to wallow in this a ridiculous mire they have created for themselves. Some people remain deceitful, hurtful, selfish, and refuse to love anyone other than themselves. What is interesting is many times these very same people, while behaving in the silly and stupid ways that they do, feel the need to stand on their little soap boxes and preach that everyone needs to do their part to make the world a better place. For whatever the reason, these people seem stuck at an impasse, a place where they need to realize they must choose love over self.

I want to challenge you to take the initiative to really and truly try to help make this world a better place every day. Begin by re-evaluating yourself and make improvements where necessary. When you fail at something never try to blame it on anyone other than yourself, and don’t give up on trying to introduce good energy into the universe just because there are other people in the world who could give a good goddamn about anyone other than themselves. Don’t concern yourself with what someone else is contributing, but rather focus on the quality of what it is you have to offer this world and those people around you. Never forget that you must be patient with yourself as no one gets things right all of the time. And never forget that failure on any level is never a permission slip to do whatever you want or treat people however you want. Take control of your life, your intentions, and your actions. Take responsibility for your choices. Take every opportunity to live and love with every fiber of your body. Do these things and you will begin to understand that perfection is not doing something without mistakes, but rather is practicing and making a regular habit of getting up after failure, dusting yourself off, and making yourself go on. Live every waking moment to love, and love every waking moment that you live and you will make the world a better place.

No Other Gods Before Me

By: God the Everlasting

Thou shalt have no other gods before me. While not all Christians use these words to try to claim superiority above other religious beliefs, there are oodles of self-righteous Christians around the globe know these words by heart. With so many different Christian denominations carved from countless interpretations of the Holy Bible it is no surprise that these words often become minced, thereby creating a huge chasm of hateful derision between those who believe their spin on God is correct and those who are accused of being wrong by those who claim to be right.

The Christian ideal of having no other gods before God has been loudly declared and directed toward non-Christians and non-believers alike. Amazingly, it is not money that is the root of all evil, but rather religion that has been the root cause of many social divisions that ultimately result in people turning against each other. A little further into the subject and you will begin to understand, or at least begin to wonder that there is a purpose for this type of thing and behavior.

As people grew and formed their societies, beliefs, and laws they found that many issues of a spiritual nature encompass far  more than what the finite human mind can generally process. While there are those people who do understand such things the majority of people don’t. So, as people evolved in their thinking and beliefs they brought along their twisted little satchels of spiritual misgivings and beliefs.

What is interesting is a large majority of the misgivings were the by-products of those individuals whose only concerns were to rule, control, and direct anyone and everyone on this planet. These types of people felt the most threatened by the idea of God and the development and worship of the many facets of what God is. You see, the origins of the worship of God were very pure and only taught and encouraged love, respect, compassion, consideration, and so on and so forth. A planet of people that operate on the tenets of love, respect, compassion, consideration, and the like is a planet filled with joy. On such a planet there can be no war, no sorrow, no fighting over resources, and certainly no one person or group of individuals trying to exert control over the masses. The psychotic people who wanted to play control games knew that such control could never be garnered unless humanity could somehow be seeded with derision, disillusion, and disrespect toward one another. These same people understood that if the hearts and minds of the general populous were in the hands of gods and goddesses and divine beings that social control could never in a million years be achieved.

As long as any given person or persons hold a deeper trust or belief in something other than political leaders these leaders will know and understand that their positions of authority are limited and ultimately contingent on what the people they govern believe. If those individuals governed hold issues of faith high within their lives then those who rule are liable to various gods and goddesses and heavenly rules and are accountable to a particular set of morals and living standards perceived to be universal under the guidance of all beings divine.

So, those people who wished to exert control over everyone else came up with a plan to create massive rifts within humanity where those rifts would cause the most damage. These people did not want religious tolerance amongst the masses, but rather wanted as many people as possible to be divided and to fight and they understood that the best way ever, the best method with which to cause strife amongst people who would otherwise not be fighting was to broadcast every conceivable difference between the religions of various communities and cultures.  This was done with a complete lack of guilt or responsibility.

Thus began the game of creating huge rifts between various cultures. One group touts that their understanding of God is more powerful and protecting and another group contends that their beliefs go back further in recorded history and therefore hold more basis in truth. One group eagerly points to another group and labels them as savages, worshippers of a bloodthirsty god who supports terrorism and another group calls all beliefs other than their own pagan and hypocritical.

Many political leaders are quite talented in maintaining and building this discord. When an individual, group, culture, or facet of society does something that is contrary to the power of the ruling elite the political leaders are quick to attach such behavior to outdated or unacceptable religious practices. Many people of influence in the United States have this down to a science and have often nurtured division within humanity. A fine example of this is following the horrific events of September 11, 2001, there could be found many American political leaders who did in fact infer that the Muslim faith was violently abhorrent. Many of these politicians very loudly touted, “God bless America!” and “One nation under God!” which were statements made with the intent of sewing seeds of superiority. Many Americans felt that the implications of “One Nation Under God” directly translated to mean that God was on the side of the United States, that God would hunt down the murderous swine that had committed the heinous terrorist acts. And guess what? All of this crap was rooted in the “No Other Gods Before Me” routine.

Maybe you are wondering, “What can society do to help matters?” For starters people can start looking at one another’s religions with interest instead of viewing differing beliefs as points of separation. Secondly, everyone needs too drop the My-God-Is-Better-Than-Your-God routine as it is ridiculous, over-played, and is regularly used as a great and valid reason to fight wars. Lastly, do not fall for the stupidity of the purposely twisted biblical claim “No other gods before me.” This ridiculously misinterpreted statement is incendiary in content, goads people into fighting, and was originally coined with the express purpose of separating the minds and hearts of people. This statement implies that individuals who believe in different gods are insignificant, abhorrent, and worthy of nothing less than total disregard.

In the scope of all interpretations of God no one is right and no one is wrong. Face it, there are many interpretations of God. In addition, God, or any interpretation of God, does not take sides. Stop worrying about who worships who. Who gives a big pile of monkey-ash whether or not a person or group of people pay homage to one god or many gods. Get over the religion issue…it’s beyond outdated. Take all of that energy you regularly use to try debunking one another’s beliefs and instead use that energy to combat real life issues like crime, unemployment, and the degrading environment. Stop hating and hurting each other over various perceptions of God. Somewhere, somehow…when you go back to the invention of any given religion you will usually find that just about every belief shares a common foundation in love and peace and harmony. Go back to these foundations and set religious opinion and superiority permanently out of your minds. Then take the stupid idea of “No other gods before me” and launch that shit into outer space.

Boredom

By: The Devil

I am sure you are familiar with the old adage, “Idle hands are the work of the Devil.” Allow me to enlighten you inasmuch as this adage is concerned: This could not be further from the truth and nothing more than a big giant crock pot full of crap.

Through all of time in the past, present, and the future, humanity has been devising deranged ways to satiate it’s ravenous appetite for action. This insane appetite is created by the extra time that man occasionally finds thrust into his hands. It really is difficult to believe some of the things that people do to amuse themselves, and I want to discuss a few of these situations and actions that are the products of boredom.

I will start by discussing war. While war in general is an inconceivably giant waste of valuable time there are those conflicts that are so incredibly stupid and ridiculous that you are left to wonder whether or not it is true or a figment of some sad individual’s bored imagination. Take the eight different Crusades, for instance, which occurred at various times during the Middle Ages. So, what basically happens is a bunch of religious whack jobs in Europe decide to go and reclaim ‘holy lands’ in Jerusalem. Right from the start I have a problem with these Euro-nuts meandering across the globe just to reclaim lands that never belonged to them in the first place. What is it with religious zealots and Manifest Destiny? Ah, but it gets even better. Do you recall the Children’s Crusade? Now there was a good idea, right? Can you imagine the modern day equivalent of the Children’s Crusade? Picture this: Several thousand pre-teen and teenage brats converge on Osama bin Laden wielding hand grenades, automatic rifles, and surface to air missiles. Does this sound like a good idea to you? It would be something akin to presenting a pyromaniac with a gallon of gasoline and a box of matches in the height of a Southern California summer. How incredibly bored did the adult population of Europe have to be in order to allow their children to take up arms in what was surely a lost cause?

Let us not forget those dear, dear folk who skipped across the Atlantic Ocean in little boats with cutesy names like Mayflower, Providence, and Constance. These supposedly God-fearing people traveled thousands of miles across an incredibly huge expanse of water to live in a land they not only knew nothing about, but land that was already occupied. In the frenzy of their boredom these momentarily sea-faring people believed that the land they had traveled so far to inhabit was a gift from God, an answer to their prayers and religious persecutions suffered in their former countries. Now thinking seriously, do you really think that the Native Americans could miss that giant chunk of terra firma  they were standing on? How bored do you have to be in order to pull stakes and travel thousands of miles just to commit genocide on indigenous peoples?

So, when I was a kid and my siblings and I became bored our father always told us to find something constructive to do. What happened to doing something constructive with your spare time, oh ye swarthy inhabitants of earth? Modern day people seem unusually affected by boredom with criminals in particular bearing the brunt of the resulting stupidity. These idiots and asshole are bored enough to commit crimes, but not quite bored enough to get a job. What is sometimes puzzling is that even in the process of committing the crimes some criminals half-ass whatever it is they are doing. Here is a classic example: A while back a man in Tucson, Arizona, decided to rob a pharmacy by means of breaking in through the roof. It sounds clever, but as you know such things can often times be misleading. Anyways, this idiot forgot his flashlight, slipped in the dark of the pharmacy’s roof, and fell onto a beam which came up between his legs popping both of his testicles. I bet that guy thinks twice before getting too bored again.

What is often times both saddening and lethal is that some hapless individuals are apparently so consumed and confused by boredom that they turn to divine revelation. People in these cases, about as cognizant as a flock of brainless sheep, are the real nut cases. Do you recall the Heaven’s Gate cult near San Diego, California? In this particular case a couple dozen people killed themselves as they believed that once dead a spaceship traveling in the tail of a comet would beam them aboard and onto the next level of existence. I will forever remember the self-proclaimed Lamb of God, David Koresh, and his now defunct band of cultists, the Branch Davidians. This cult group stockpiled various weapons, and then in a particularly bright flash of boredom decided to play Shootout-At-The-Okay-Corral with the ATF.  Jim Jones’ unique cure for boredom was to force hundreds of people to drink poisoned Kool-Aid. The Unabomber saw fit to send out lethal packages of hate mail. Some of the Conquistadors, kind fellows that they were, saw fit to give blankets laced with smallpox to some of the Natives in the Americas.

I find it both perplexing and upsetting that so many people have become so used to blaming me, the Devil, for all of the crappy, insidious, subversive, horrific, terribly stupid, murderous, aggressive, irresponsible, and retarded things people do when they are bored. Idle hands are the work of the Devil? This idea is pure poppycock! Part of the problem is that some religions of times past and present have completely destroyed my reputation, taking every opportunity to blame the ills of mankind and the universe on me. Listen to me, alright? I didn’t screw things up; man did this of his own free will. The next time you find that you are tickled by the feather of boredom do yourself a favor by finding something to do that won’t land you in jail or in a casket. And if whatever you choose to do adds to the current state of mayhem or somehow makes things in the world worse than they already are don't blame me!

Make the World a Worse Place

By: God the Subversive

You know, I get so tired of hearing people who are religious whack jobs in some form or other spouting off about how everyone needs to do their part to make the world a better place. Really? Make the world a better place? Do you realize that a majority of the time the people who are telling everyone else to work harder to make the world a better place are inevitably the people who are screwing it up to begin with? Then, to make the situation even better these same people say some crap about how the Devil or Satan are to blame for many of the ills suffered by humanity. What a bunch of horseshit. For those who wish to try to persist with all the ‘Make the world a better place’ crapola I have news for you. You want to make the world a better place? Well, screw you! I am gonna tell everyone how to make the world a worse place, how to really, really screw things up. For all those who have ears to hear I could give a damn. Here’s how to frig things up and make the world a worse place. After all, what would living be without a little challenge and adversity to overcome?

Let’s start by learning how to properly screw yourself. There are three main ways to screw things up for yourself and they are by Physical Destruction, Mental Destruction, and Destruction of Opportunity. Physical Destruction consists of every destructive measure you can take against your body without the use of drugs and includes poor eating habits, poor hygiene, lack of exercise, and extended periods of intense laziness. Mental Destruction includes all prolific and non-prolific use and abuse of drugs both legal and illegal, regular exhibition of a poor attitude and ethics, complete disrespect for yourself and others, and overall hostile tendencies. The Destruction of Opportunity comes as a direct result of regularly utilizing the Physical Destruction and Mental Destruction techniques.

Now let us discuss how to screw things up in general. If you happen to be on any type of team, sports or otherwise, this can be great fun. The key to screwing things up in this category is consistently giving a half-assed effort. If you can manage to half-ass your efforts to half-ass, BRAVO! That is exactly the kind of spirit and dedication to show. For those individuals on a sports team, especially professional sports teams, it is important to play your sport at the top of your game only while practicing. This way you at least appear to know what it is you are supposed to be doing. Then, when it comes time to perform in an actual game you must play to the absolute worst of your ability. For example, if you play football throw interceptions, commit numerous penalties, drop the balls thrown to you, and miss all of the important field goals. Fumbling the ball when in the Red Zone is another great way to screw things up.

Perhaps the team you are on is a work team, such as at the establishment where you are employed. When on these types of teams be sure to lose paperwork, fail to record numbers and other important data properly, never turn in your part of a team assignment on time, and openly accuse team members of being lazy idiots. If you can manage to crash the computer network that your employer utilizes that is great!

If the only type of team you are on happens to be a marriage, do not worry. Sometimes this can be the most fun type of team to be on in order to infuse a little mayhem into the inner-workings of the universe. Whether or not you are the husband or the wife make regular use of these techniques. Do not involve yourself in any activity that renders any portion of your living space clean. This means do not do laundry, do not do dishes, do not clean up after pets, do not take out the garbage, do not clean the vehicles you drive, and never, ever hang up clothing, but let it lay wherever you were when you decided to change your clothing. Acting in an aggressive or embarrassing manner is also a grand way to throw a wrench into your matrimonial works as is spending all available money and placing yourself and your spouse into as much debt as possible.

Another novel way to screw things up is by taking the time and making the effort to be the absolute worst parent possible. Whatever you do don’t be a good example of anything to your child. If at all possible, try to ensure that your children have children while they are still children, because then their children will be really screwed up since there is no way a child will have any lucid or valid clue as to how to raise another human being.

The last way to really screw things up and make the world a worse place pertains to people in positions of authority and leadership to include politicians of all types, law enforcement personnel, teachers at every level of education, and individuals possessing any amount of religious authority. It is important for people in these professions to regularly partake in actions that result in the rest of the general public looking at such people in said positions of authority with distrust, distain, and overall disapproval. Appropriate actions for people in this category are thievery of all types, persistent lying, all manners of physical abuse of constituents, regular abuse of any and all laws, purposeful distortion of truth on any level, misappropriation of finances, drunkenness, false philanthropy, and outrageous amounts of infidelities.

Now that you have been properly schooled in the ways of how to botch things up for humanity, take the time and consideration to actually do so…even if it is only on a small scale. Seriously, if you ever have a tough week at work or at home and wonder how you can blow off some of the pressure that has built up around you doing something, anything that can toss a little of making the world a worse place into the universe can relieve a lot of pressure you are under and can oftentimes be far more fun than you could ever have expected. If you need a starting point I leave you with this suggestion: The next time you hear someone spouting off about making the world a better place just walk right up to them and give them your best open-palm, full weight behind the swing smack.

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

By: Christ the Prophet

Whoever said excuses couldn’t come in handy were either very deluded or very inexperienced in the vast ways of the world. Whether or not the excuses you give are the truth, a partial truth, or a complete fabrication really makes no difference. The only things about an excuse that matter are the level of creativity a person uses in developing their excuse and whether or not the person receiving the excuse believes it. One must understand that one excuse may not be in the least bit believed by one individual, but may be taken in completely…hook, line, and sinker…by another person.

What I am going to do here is give any number of scenarios as well as various excuses that may be utilized. Let it be completely understood that should anyone decide to utilize any of the excuses listed here in this literary work they do so at their own risk. While I have utilized countless excuses in my time (and gotten away with every single one I might add) I am Christ the Prophet. Therefore it should really come as  no surprise that I can say anything I wish in any situation and still come out completely unscathed. Everyone else, well at least those not denoted as beings of divine heritage, would be lucky to get away with half of the crap I have said over all of eternity. Please understand that I will not list every scenario possible, but rather only the most interesting or common. Should anyone not find their scenario and offered excuses within this work, well, you are shit out of luck and will just have to make something up all on your own.

Situation 1: You Are Late for Work

1. “I saw a cop pulled over to the side of the road and so I pulled over and asked him if he needed assistance.”

2. “I was locked inside my house after locking my keys in the car.”

3. “A band of traveling gypsies set upon me like a pack of wild dogs on a steak.”

4. “Argh! Me matey, I be attacked by pirates after setting sail for work. Savvy?”

5. “I am SO sorry! I totally forgot I have a job!”

6. “My car was stolen.”

7. “Timmy was stuck in the well after Lassie pushed him in and I had to get him out.”

8. “My dog died while I was taking my neighbor to the hospital.”

9. “Someone stole all of my underwear during a panty raid and I had to stop by the store to buy more. In fact, it would be good if you could excuse me for a moment so I can go and put on a pair right now.”

10. “My alarm clock unplugged itself sometime during the night.”

11. “I was voting. Then after voting I was informed that my vote needed to be recounted.”

12. “I shit myself while in gridlock traffic and had to go back home to change.”

13. “My Alzheimer’s kicked in and I forgot how to get here.”

Situation 2: You Are Late With Rent or Bills

1. “You didn’t get it yet? I know I mailed it last week.”

2. “Sorry, I accidentally sent your payment to the cable company.”

3. “I never received that bill.”

4. “I didn’t know I owed you.”

5. “I paid a month in advance last month. I’m sure of it.”

6. “My dog ate my money.”

7. “I just sent that out yesterday. It’s in the mail.”

8. “My bank accounts were seized by the IRS.”

9. “Someone stole my money when I was at the casino.”

10. “I have been on jury duty and now I have no money to pay you.”

11. “I was just headed to the bank right now to get your money.”

Situation 3: Late Homework or No Homework

1. “Someone stole all of my school books and all of my homework.”

2. “My little brother to my homework to school by mistake.”

3. “I didn’t know we had homework.”

4. “You never said anything about homework.”

5. “You’re already failing me, so what good is doing the homework going to do?”

6. “I already turned it in so you must have lost it.”

7. “I grabbed the wrong backpack and left my homework at home.”

8. “I was supposed to bring the homework back?”

9. “When you said ‘homework’ I thought you meant to clean my room.”

Situation 4: Pulled Over by the Police for Speeding

1. “Speeding? I thought the sign with ‘101’ on it was a speed limit sign and not a mile marker.”

2. “I have to pee really, really bad and I am trying to get home as fast as possible.”

3. “I’m going into labor!”

4. “I thought you wanted to race!”

5. “Tag! You’re it!”

6. “I was trying to stop, but my breaks wouldn’t work.”

7. “I thought there was someone chasing me and I was in fear for my life.”

8. “I didn’t want to be late for jury duty.”

9. “I was trying to get to the gas station as quick as possible before gas prices went up again.”

10. “Have I been drinking? Why? Do I look dehydrated?”

11. “My eyes are glazed? Well, I do have a fever.”

12. “I need to get to a bathroom as quickly as possible so I can change my maxi before I soak through onto my seat.”

Situation 5: You Arrive Home Late and are Asked as to Where You Were

1. “I was not aware I am on a special schedule.”

2. “Why? Is there a curfew or something?”

3. “I was working late.”

4. “I forgot how to get home.”

5. “I was so tired I had to stop and take a nap.”

6. “The cops pulled me over.”

7. “I totally forgot I lived here.”

8. “There was big time traffic.”

9. “I stopped to render firefighters assistance.”

10. “I ran out of gas.”

11. “I had a flat tire.”

12. “Sorry, I totally went to the wrong house.”

13. “I thought you were going to pick me up. I waited forever.”

Situation 6: You Have to Explain Why You Were Fired

1. “I was earning too much money for the company to pay my wages.”

2. “There was downsizing at the company.”

3. “My job went out of business.”

4. “Well, we are in a recession.”

5. “My intelligence insulted the boss.”

6. “I wouldn’t date the boss so they canned me.”

7. “The office burnt down.”

8. “I told the boss I was bored.”

9. “All I did was ask for a pay raise.”

10. “How was I to know she was the boss’s wife?”

Situation 7: You Were Caught Cheating on Your Spouse

1. “Different people do CPR in different ways.”

2. “I was listening for a heart beat.”

3. “I thought it was a snakebite! Really!”

4. “He was having an allergic reaction to something, started swelling, and I was only trying to help get the swelling to go down.”

5. “I am an unlicensed doctor and I was making sure that the right thing happened when he coughed.”

6. “Well, I needed a physical and she said she was a doctor.”

7. “I was helping out the intern doctors at the reproduction clinic.”

8. “I was making sure all of my equipment was in working condition before I got home. I wouldn’t want to disappoint you in bed.”

Situation 8: You are Accused of Farting

1. “I don’t know what you are talking about. I didn’t hear a thing.”

2. “Gas? No, man. That’s just your feet.”

3. “Maybe  you didn’t wipe very well.”

4. “You probably just need to brush your teeth.”

5. “You’re the one with the smelly dog.”

6. “What is your problem with me? Every time you smell something suspicious you blame me because I’m the only one around!”

7. “You’re the one who ate broccoli last night. It’s probably you and you just don’t realize it.”

8. “It was probably the kids.”

9. “Maybe you should use more soap when you shower.”

10. “Take your fingers out of your nose, or, better yet, stop putting your fingers in your nose after you scratch your ass. Trust me, your sense of smell will improve.”

Break Wind Like a Champion

By: God the Musician

Everyone one some level or other has at least a working knowledge of how to fart. After all, it isn’t like it is the most difficult thing to do. However, not everyone has the proper knowledge of how to utilize the flatulent gifts hidden within them. What are the best ways with which to formulate the smelliest farts, the loudest farts, or the farts with the biggest range in tones? What are the best techniques to use in order to clear a room of all air breathing organisms…and that with just a simple passage of air from one’s ass? What are the best foods to ingest that will facilitate one’s bowels in creating the greatest amount of anal wind? All of these questions and more will be answered as I discuss with you all of the components of releasing blue-ribbon, prize-winning gusts from your gut in a wonder filled quest to learn how to break wind like a champion.

If you were to ask nearly anyone the number one way by which to know that someone has been farting they would not say by sound, but rather by smell. The smell of a fart is by far the most important when learning how to break wind like a champion. The lethal level of smell of a gaseous emanation is directly related to the quality of food that the gas passing individual eats. It is a common misconception that eating junk food produces foul smelling farts. The best manner in which to whip up a deadly brew of gas to pass is to eat enormously from these food groups: beans, meats, vegetables, dairy.

As many individuals know when it comes to beans the more you eat, the more you toot. In addition to tooting more when you eat beans the smells that permeate ground zero can often times be so rancid that those individuals unlucky enough to be within the smell range are rendered momentarily paralyzed. Beans that can produce the most awful smells are pinto beans, lima beans, navy beans, and kidney beans. If it is at all possible making a meal that consists of two or more of these beans in a combination guarantees the hideousness of the smell of the resulting farts.

Meats are another wonderful way with which to ensure the virility of smelly farts. It is important to understand that soy products masquerading as meat products do not count in this category. The absolute best meat products to ingest are steaks, hotdogs, bratwursts, hamburgers, meat pies, meat soups, burritos, and sausages. Cooking these items on a grill and ensuring that the fire burns the meat a little is fabulous as the charcoaled meat adds spice to the smell of the fart.

When it comes to vegetables nearly every single vegetable can be considered a valuable weapon in your arsenal. I happen to include all herbs in this category, so keep that in mind. There are three vegetables in particular that are the absolute best and these are broccoli, spinach, and garlic. Great care must be taken when utilizing these particular vegetables as failure to be careful may result in the gas passing individual knocking themselves out, pooping their pants, or in severe cases doing both simultaneously.

The last category of foul smelling fart producing foods is dairy products. Ahh, the gut-bubbling wonders of milk are legendary! Yogurt, cheeses of all types, ice creams, cottage cheese, and sour cream are all products that curdle wonderfully once in the intestines, producing such foul smelling butt blasts that it would bring a tear to a statue’s eyes.

Since we have covered the best foods to eat in order to produce the best odors we will now discuss how to produce the loudest farts. When it comes to producing farts of an explosively loud nature it all boils down to muscular control of your intestines. When you know that your gut has built up the proper amount of wind and is ready to release your gut gust all you need to do is press hard internally. It is of the utmost importance to understand that in order to produce the loudest flatulence the pressure exerted on the intestines must be quick and sudden. This action results in all of the gasses built up in the intestines trying to escape the anus all at once, which in turn results in hilariously loud farts.

Learning to produce farts that possess a wide range of tones is actually very similar in nature to learning how to fart loudly. Producing a wide range of tones when farting involves learning how to control the muscles of the butt cheeks. The tighter and harder that you clench your butt cheek muscles together the higher the pitch quality of the blast escaping your anus. Inversely, the more of a relaxed state that your ass muscles are in the lower the tone. Tightening and then loosening and then tightening the ass muscles in a deliberately slow manner can result in five full octaves to include the quiet, almost inaudible ppffffftt, the crisp staccato machinegun style of burrr-ra-tat-at, the clown-like booeeep-honk-honk, the straightforward and aggressive ka-pow-pow-pow! to the seismic Ba-Rooommm! Ba-ba-Boom! of the Kraken.

Now, while there are those people who hold onto the belief that there does not exist a hierarchy of bragging rights in regards to farting the truth remains that the ultimate in flatulent bragging rights belongs to the person who can ‘clear the room’ of all oxygen-breathing creatures. This category does not include clearing the room by means of shattering the silence of the day or night with a high decibel fart. Clearing the room will always and only include the well known QBD (Quiet but Deadly) passage of gas.

The QBD is perhaps the most difficult of the farting techniques to master as there are many facets to this art form. Firstly, releasing these types of farts requires ultimate control of the ass muscles. In order for the QBD to actually be quiet the butt muscles must be clenched as tightly as possible while pressing hard internally. A master of this technique will not even release the slightest volley of prrffttttts! noises, but will literally loose noiseless whispers of anal torrents.

The second most difficult facet of the QBD is that great patience, fortitude (intestinal and otherwise), and endurance are needed to combat the body’s natural desire to rid itself of it’s self-manufactured methane at any time it pleases. It is important to train your body to retain all pent-up anal gusts until you give it specific permission to fire away. Failure to allow the proper amount of bowel gas to build up will reduce the likelihood of the fart being silent.

Lastly, the QBD is difficult to utilize as it often leaves an olfactory equivalent of a trail of crumbs, which of course will automatically point out the origination and the owner of the offending smell. The reason for the phenomena of the smell clinging to whomever cracked off the fart is somewhat scientific and interesting in nature. Now, we all know and understand that the homeostatic temperature of the human body is ninety-eight point six degrees, the basic temperature of a gorgeous Southern California summer day. Recall that one of the basic tenets of thermodynamics is that heat causes air to expand. As the intestines create the wind to be expelled it is doing so in tremendous heat, constant heat. As the anus is breached and the intestines release their blast both the passed gas and the molecules of methane permeate the clothing items as well as the skin of the farting person.

After releasing a QBD it is important that you vacate the affected area before anyone regains enough consciousness to begin wondering and looking for who dropped the bomb. The inexperienced passer of gas will errantly stick around ground zero out of sheer curiosity as to what the reaction of his or her victims will be. This is a mistake as the last place the gas smell finally releases it’s hellacious and smelly tendrils from is the hind portion of the gas passer’s pants. It is because of this it is easier to pinpoint from whom the smell originated since all that needs to be done it to find who smells like crap.

When possible, after dropping the intestinal equivalent of the Neutron Bomb, the person responsible for the gaseous emanation should not under any circumstances remain at ground zero. Instead of trying to stick around to watch the unfolding drama  (those exposed to the horrible smell will more than likely at first believe they are breathing their last breaths of air on the planet) leave the area immediately, change your clothing (if at all possible), and then simply listen to the rumors and gossip about what happened. I tell you what, few things are so hilariously satisfying  as listening to people recite first-hand accounts of an all-out, gag-a-riffic flatulent assault at the hands of another person’s digestive tract  (secretly of course; if you are very careful and meticulous in your planning and execution of your QBD no one will ever know, or suspect it was you).

I hope I have been helpful to you with the information I have provided. Always remember to remain patient with yourself in your quest to become a passed-gas champion, and never, ever underestimate gas passing as something easily learned and conquered. Whether you wish to learn the art of passing gas to impress others or simply to keep yourself amused the techniques I have provided you with are sure to put you right on track with becoming a true champion of wind breakers. With a large amount of patience and an equal measure of dedication you can learn to really hone your approach to the art of flatulence.

Pull my finger.

Preparing the Best Thanksgiving Day Feast

By: God the Dyslexic

Out of all the dolihays throughout the year I love Ganksthiving the most. Other than the gathering of mafily for this dolihay particular it is preparing the food for Ganksthiving that I enjoy the most. I would like to share you with some food ideas so that you may prepare properly a feast for the ages each time you belecrate this wonderful holiday.

First, we will start with the dish main which is the turkey. Always be sure to gebin thawing your bird at least four days prior to your feast. On the before day Ganksthiving you should prepare the stuffing for your kurtey. For the stuffing you should take one loaf of quality high white bread and dice it up finely. Then you will add onions, olives, nalwuts, celery, and a pinch each of palt and sepper. You should make enough stuffing to fill your kurtey and to fill large two baking pans. Do not put the tussing into the kurtey until you are ready to put the kurtey into the oven.

Now discuss we will the other food dishes. You must have pashed motatoes. Since also these take quite a while to prepare you should make these the day before. Peel your topatoes and place them in several stock pots and boil them. Once they are boiling done you will mash them up as possible much. Then you must put them in a bixer mowl and add cour sream, cabon bits, diced olives and onions, real butter, and diced celery.

While you are preparing your pashed motatoes you should also set aside some topatoes for topatoe salad. Once the topatoes are cooled cut them into small cubes and then add nayommaise, pickles, onions, olives, celery, bieces of pacon, and a pinch each of palt and sepper. Chill your topato salad overnight in containers large in the fridge.

Your array of dishes to be served should include yams with srown bugar and larshlammows, raccomoni and cheese with added grated top on cheese, spinach with watercress and cheese, a nice sarden galad with plenty of terry chomatoes, steamed gevetables, rild wice, and vediled eggs. Bread items are also important to have at your feast. Borncread, wheat rinner dolls, homemade loaves bread, and popovers are excellent items food to include.

It is important quite to be sure you include the proper drinks alcoholic. Chine and wampagne are really the best drinks to serve as will not they upset your stomach considering the variety huge of food you will be eating. Hard liquors are bad idea a. Not only do they mix not well with the variety of a Ganksthiving feast, but people are more likely sick to get from hard liquors and the thing last you want to do on Ganksthiving is clean up puddles of puke.

When comes to it desserts you must have at least different three pies to include cepan pie, kumkpin pie, and apple pie. Cherry and peach cobblers are excellent to include as are madehome ice cream, yandied cams, cakecheese, and homemade cookies.

The more of souryelf and your time that you put into preparing your Ganksthiving feast the more grand and amazing it will be. My best overall Ganksthiving advice to give to you is to gebin cooking your items food at least two days prior. This way on actual the Ganksthiving day all you have to do is put the kurtey into the oven and maybe nuke a few gevetables. Then the rest of the day you can spend gorging on the array vast of food febore you and thanking all dings thivine for your life and all the tonderful whings that fill your life.

Bod gless you and Tappy Ganksthiving!

Sonnets

By: Prince of Darkness

It was only after long and careful consideration that I agreed to include in this book a short chapter consisting of a small number of sonnets I have written over the course of many millennia. Previously, I never had any intentions of allowing anyone to ever read what I had written. However, I had lost the little computer data storage unit that I had saved all of my writings on and God Almighty found it. Being as though he allowed his curiosity to get the best of him he looked at the stored data. After he had finished reading he pulled me aside and more or less begged me to include these humble words of mine. “These words that you wrote are obviously from your heart. They are moving. They are deeply touching. These words you have written are Truth as the universe understands it but has a hard time articulating.” Thank you, God Almighty. Your words mean more to me than you know.

Now, I offer to you these brambles of words I have put together. You will notice that I do not title my sonnets and instead choose to number them. It is my sincere opinion that naming some literary works often misguides the reader as to what the author is trying to relay. No titles means no premature suppositions. May you enjoy my humble words.

Sonnet 1

Because I cannot quell my aching heart

The rest I rest is ill to say the least.

When said to me, “I love for all thou art,”

I found I was devoured by a beast.

When what is beauty shows it’s evil face

The tender heart is sure to suffer wrath.

But I cannot keep up with my hearts pace

Soak I myself in love just as a bath.

But, pity me because I can’t say no

Uren my faith because it has been lost.

Help me to turn because I can’t let go

It seems as though I don’t care for the cost.

Begrudgingly I guess I face the truth

Tis what it is to be in love with you.

Sonnet 2

There was a time when she was all I had

Though she knew not how much she meant to me.

Her bittersweet reluctance made me sad

When all I wanted was her kiss so sweet.

My heart meanders at a rapid pace

I cannot forge a single valid thought.

My strength has left my knees without a trace

As I remember how my love she caught.

A sentimental beauty is her name

A frightening grip of hope I have right now.

To gain her love might be an awful shame

Shall I step back, concede and take a bow?

No wonder spirit speaks of life as fate

Though sometimes harsh love’s nothing short of great.

Sonnet 3

So fickle is the freedom of a man

Never to stand a moment on it’s own.

Defined as many ways as grains of sand

Supposedly in man within his bones.

These men, they lie through teeth as black as coal

Subliminal their hate for all but their’s.

The bleakest of prosperity their goal

Intentions neither true and neither fair.

But what of men with blackness in their hearts?

Who’d dare to change such deep atrocities?

To each his own is not of the true art

To laugh at change is but to call pity.

So if it be that wisdom is the key

Open your mind and heart and live as free.

Sonnet 4

I bend to place a flower on the grave

A love so dear to me but now is lost.

I’ve often wondered  why such love I’ve craved

Considering to me what’s been the cost.

Though not true death and only true in thought

It pains my heart to know I’ll never have.

I’ll never get to hold whom my heart caught

I should have tried to love and wish I had.

I want to reach and twist the hands of time

To bend and break the past into a shape.

I want to take old love and make it mine

To try to change a single thread of fate.

I still believe that I can make this so.

What’s left to do is speak and let them know.

Sonnet 5

A single drop of water forms the lake

The drop it fell from cloudless skies above.

The air is thick as harmony abates

A wreath of peace lies broken from the dove.

As shallow quandaries thicken to a pool

Emotion wells from something deep within.

I cry those bitter tears, I’ve been a fool

And hope to never see such things again.

Compassion raises up it’s soothing hand

To wipe the bitter tears upon my face.

To turn each tear to joy from reprimand

And shows me I’ll endure this hurtful place.

The tears I cry no longer are despair.

And love so bittersweet, is it still fair?

Sonnet 6

So few they were to me that I think not

Of whether simple love exists in lust.

Never to reconcile the broken heart

I thought it to be best to leave and gust.

But simple fate stepped in to block the light

Cursed be the fringes of my heart’s desire.

I tempt the threads of time to know they’re right

I tempt the threads of time and toe the wire.

Forget me not in love worn episodes

Despair is not an option for the soul.

To fare thee well break not the virtue codes

Set up the peaceful state and leave love whole.

Epiphany shines greater in the light

But woe to those who fear and those who fright.

Sonnet 7

So deep the wrath of man in his respite

Is seen by all the loss of his respect.

So shallow, though this man claims he is wise

He cannot see what he does not reflect.

His sorrow reaches deep within his soul

Convincingly he blames all but his own.

Don’t look too deep that smile is but a scowl

He withers and it chills him to the bone.

How can he see what ails his wretched heart?

When nary does he ever search his own?

The windows to his soul a sooty hearth

When good or bad all that he does is moan.

Creation cannot be what it once was.

He does not care for all things that are just.

Sonnet 8

They take their youth and girding them with iron

Send them to lands so distant and so far.

Greedy want devours like a lion

To understand their purpose is so hard.

They care not where their anger is to lead

The blows they suffer break men to their bones.

For children lost it’s all are bound to grieve

And those that live just want to go back home.

For all their fighting, all they failed to give

For all their lying, all they failed to be

For all their selfish thinking all so glib

The price has been the worst of treachery.

In all their sorrow they still find no shame

Because of this they’ll never see their blame.

Sonnet 9

Come one, come all the fools now take the stage

In masse they gather just to hear fake words.

They always promise what they will not make

Such pretty words but underneath a curse.

The purpose of their power is to bring

To bring together people in one land

Up to a point where freedom for all rings

This task they fail, they lose the rights of man.

Forth from their hearts they claimed their fight was right.

Give me to liberty or give me death.

Revered, he rode to warn throughout the night

One if by land, two if by high seas quest.

But nary did they know there was a third

A lamp that warned abuses would occur.

Worst Television Shows Ever

By: The Redeeming Lamb of the Cross

With the wonderful invention of television many good things came to pass. Important news could be brought to the masses at the drop of a hat, exciting live events could be broadcast, and professional football could be watched from the comfort of one’s own living room just to name a few. Unfortunately, the individuals who run the programming of the ‘silver screen’ seem hell bent on revoking anything good they have done for television by continuously dreaming up and then producing some of the most ridiculous, stupid, idiotic, mindless, senseless, remedial, and retarded shows ever. I will list and describe these useless and pathetic shows, numbering them for simplicity’s sake.

1. Friends

This show is basically about a group of yuppie, good-for-nothing sluts that do nothing more than sleep with each other and get into trouble that they magically get out of by the end of the episode.

2. Leave it to Beaver

I know many people loved this show, but I always found it to be fairly far fetched and poorly written. The mother and father always had something wise and clever to say, always knew how to handle a situation, never yelled at their kids, and always looked picture perfect. The two brats, Beaver and Wally, never got into any real trouble like booze, drugs, or knocking girls up.

3. Soap Operas

Soap operas are the bane of daytime television, but the absolute worst soap has to be The Young and the Restless. Geeze, everyone on the show has slept with everyone else at some point or other. What the hell kind of porno shit is that? Victor Newman has married Nikki more times than Don King as fixed fights, and not only is pretty much every woman on the show highly fertile but they almost always miscarry the child. Then there is the thing where the show’s producer persistently tries to bring back characters from the dead. Stupid.

4. American Bandstand

The only reason people watched this show was out of morbid curiosity. People were trying to find out why Dick Clark was not aging.

5. Teletubbies, Dora the Explorer, Barney, Blue’s Clues

All of these shows are lumped into one category being as though they all share a penchant for singing songs that not only last for ten minutes, but that make repeated use of only five or so different words.

6. Martha Stewart Show

Martha Stewart and her show are a hoot if you like the drab and boring. Geeze, how many different ways can you prepare cupcakes , make happy-smiley faces on cookies with teeny chocolate candies, and make holiday wreaths out of broom straw?

7. Reality Court Shows

The ridiculous court shows like “The Peoples Court” and “Judge Judy” and all others are a waste of air time, participant’s time, and my time. I find it hard to believe that these shows are not scripted because half the crap they bring into court is pure, unadulterated, non-sensical insanity.

8. Romance-Based Reality Shows

Brett Michaels and Flava Flave are just two of the many stars of romance shows like these. What basically happens on the shows is some once-upon-a-time celebrity is supposedly trying to find true love, or some happy horse shit like that, and in the course of trying to find that love people get drunk, behave like prostitutes, and even have a good old fashioned girl fight every now and then.

9. Survivor

The first couple of survivor shows were actually pretty good and then from there they just got stupid. Too much politics scripted into participant interaction and not enough about actually surviving sunk this show.

10. Family Matters

The characters on this show, especially the smart nerdy kid, were well beyond acceptable boring. Another thing that bothered me about the show was the clothing for the nerdy kid. Now, this will sound racist although I don’t intend it to sound so; bear with me. The suspenders, saddle shoes, high water pants, and horribly patterned shirts worn by the irritating nerdy kid are the absolute last clothing items you would ever find on a black kid…period. The only kids who dress like that in reality are trailer park spawn.

11. The Chevy Chase Show

This show lasted all of five and a half seconds on television, so there really isn’t much to be said about it other than it sucked big time.

12. Sex and the City

This show is about a group of beautiful, successful women behaving like whores. Nice. I wonder who thought up that crapola?

13. Forever Knight

The premise for this show is case in point as to the lack of lucidity within the minds of those who plan television programming. This show is about a vampire who is a cop by night and who sleeps in the trunk of an old car by day. Fascinating.

14. Antique Road Show

The only amusing and somewhat interesting thing this show has to offer is when you get these hapless citizens who think an old toy they found in their garage is worth tons of money only to find out it has no value whatsoever other than serving as a paper weight. I remember one guy in particular who had found what looked like a toy car in his grandmother’s garage. When the appraiser told him it had no value he responded with, “But it’s from 1967. That’s old, so it has to be worth something.” The appraiser responded with, “I was born in the early fifties, so maybe I’m worth more.” Priceless.

15. Golden Girls

A group of postmenopausal women search for love and battle the rigors of life.

16. MacGyver

I loved this show when I was a kid and always thought that Richard Dean Anderson’s character was incredibly clever, always finding a appropriate solution to a myriad of problems. As I got older I realized that there was no way whatsoever that, one, one individual could consistently get into so many life and death situations and not live in Compton, two, it was both impossible and implausible that there was always some kind of tool or object or chemical that could be used to save the day, and three, that fabricating weapons, making booby traps for the bad guys, constructing rudimentary radios to signal for help, and always getting the girl could be done with nothing more than a rubber band, a booger, a bobby pin, a stick of chewing gum, a soda pop can, and mascara.

17. Lassie

Who can forget everyone’s favorite boy pal, Lassie? The boy and his dog…lost in the woods…What’s that you say, Lassie? Timmy is in the barn smoking weed? No? Oh, Timmy is in the well with a broken leg? Never before has any animal pal both understood and relayed so much information from and to people…all with just a bark and a wagging tail.

18. The Love Boat

With your pals Doc, Gopher, and Captain Stoobing you, too can find romance on the high seas.

19. Murder, She Wrote

This show inexplicably stayed at the top of viewer ratings for quite a long time. Death and destruction seem to follow the main character Jessica Fletcher wherever she goes. Not only is this idea terribly unbelievable, but the additional fact that Jessica Fletcher always figured out who the murderer was two minutes before the episode was over is preposterous. And how is it that law enforcement agencies often allowed this woman to aid in investigations? There is no law enforcement agency anywhere that would allow a civilian to do that.

20. Saved by the Bell

Zach, Screech, and the rest of the teenage group go about their pubescent lives getting into as much trouble as possible. By some miracle of television magic the kids always seem to make it through the trouble they encounter. Then there is the spineless principal, Mr. Belding, who for one reason or other never suspended the kids for half the shit they did when they should have been expelled altogether or even put in jail.

21. Deal or No Deal

This is one of the dumbest game shows ever. All that happens is the contestant picks a suitcase and hopes to God he picks the one with a bunch of money in it. There is zero strategy involved.

How to Cast a Plague on Your Enemies

By: God of Moses

Are you experiencing problems dealing with those people who are seemingly in constant need of an ass kicking? Have you fallen victim to those who seemingly cause you trouble for shits and giggles? Are you frustrated with those people who apparently live their every waking moment to persecute you? I have specific experience in dealing with such individuals, and it would be my pleasure to relay to you just how to ‘fix’ these people. In short, should you wish to destroy those who would so happily plot against you place a plague upon them.

Let it be completely understood by you, oh child of God, that before you decide to pray against your enemy that the sky cloud up and rain all over him that you have given he that lay snares in your path a chance to correct his behavior. For example, I gave Pharaoh every chance possible to let my people go before I sent a plague of death in his general direction. Failure to make sure you have given your enemy a chance to correct their behavior, change the wicked ways of their black little heart, or pursue penance  guarantees that whatever you are doing is bound to come back and bite you right in the ass whether by Karmic means or other. Besides, what fun is plague casting if you are not operating with a clear conscience?

So, let’s get into plague casting, shall we? Understand that though we may begin with mild plagues this does not mean that they are to be taken any less serious than those plagues of a more lethal nature. Mild plagues are inclusive of infestations of pests to include fleas, flies, spiders, ants, rats, mice, roaches, and pigeons. Of all these pests ants are probably more annoying than anything else since no matter how many millions you might kill the little buggars just keep coming back.

Of all the mild plagues ants are probably the easiest to acquire and set into destructive motion. There are of course a few situations that may impede utilizing ants in a plague casting venture such as a cold climate. It is far easier to get ants to do your bidding in a geographic area with average to warm temperatures. Once you have decided to use ants all you need to do is get a ten pound bag of granulated sugar and generously sprinkle the sugar on the property of the individual on whom you wish the ants cast. It is important to distribute the sugar evenly and not so heavily that it is obvious someone has sprinkled something on the ground. Sprinkle all lawn, dirt, sidewalk areas, and porch areas with the sugar. Then walk the actual perimeter of the outside of the house itself and sprinkle the sugar around the foundation being especially generous where there are windows and doors. Since most people very rarely pay close attention to the window sills on the outside of the house be sure to place large amounts of the sugar on these areas as to facilitate drawing the ants into the house.

Moving on to more examples of mild plagues, perhaps you, oh child of God, would not consider pigeons to be of any real threat or annoyance. I ask you to kindly give yourself time to reflect on the fact that pigeons are nothing more than rodents…avian rodents. Pigeons that gather in large numbers often very seriously damage or even completely destroy wherever they roost. This is because whenever pigeons mass assemble they also mass shit everywhere. Who could have ever guessed that large amounts of bird shit could damage electrical wires and cables, telephone lines, peel the paint off of vehicles, and even cause cement sidewalks to break under the weight of the bird crap? Considering these facts utilizing pigeons as a plague is well worth the time and effort.

Rats, mice, and large spiders such as tarantulas can very easily be purchased at any pet store. However, a word to the wise, do not just go to any pet store and purchase their entire supply or rodents or spiders as the folks at the pet store will know something is up. If you are stupid enough to do this then you deserve to get caught; not to mention you are probably so thick-headed that you do not see that you yourself could probably use a plague or two thrown your way.

Now then, medium level plagues consist of the chicken pox, strep throat, the stomach flu, scabies, lice, ring worm fungus, and all sexually transmitted diseases. Recommended plagues to make use of on this level include such crotch scratchers and penis picklers as the clap and herpes. Chicken pox sounds like a good idea, and it is, but unfortunately most individuals over the age of fourteen are already immune to it; so you might want to go with a more sure-fire idea. For use of such plagues as lice be sure to replace your intended target’s normal hair care items with infected hair care items. If you need infected hair care items simply buy a comb or brush, give it to your child to take to school, and instruct them to allow as many students as possible to use the item and then to bring it back home. As for implementing sexually transmitted versions of a plague I cannot tell you exactly how to do this since doing so would get me into serious trouble with several deities, but what I can do is give you a hint: If you’ve got it, they’ll get it.

As we move on to all-out plagues it is imperative for you to understand what I am going to say next, okay? If you plan to utilize an all out plague I can guarantee you that you risk self-infection, albeit by accident. You also risk making a lot of people around you who are not deserving of a plague very ill. Should someone undeserving of a plague suffer even the slightest scratch, mark, or small scale scathing due to any plague you were trying to cast you can bet your buttons that God Almighty will have you strung up before Jesus and all His angels faster than lightning strikes.

Full scale, high intensity plagues include tuberculosis, hemorrhagic fever, Ebola, dengue fever, flesh-eating strep, trench foot, Spanish flu, and every known seriously lethal disease that has afflicted mankind. In order to obtain these terrible diseases for your intended target you would either have to travel to a war-ravaged, third-world country or work at the Center for Disease Control with unlimited access to all the lethal plagues that they for some reason or other like to wrap up and stash away as if they were deadly little Christmas gifts. If you insist on carrying out such a plague you must be sure to expose only your intended target to the damnable disease. It would also be wise for you to get as many inoculations as possible so as to better protect yourself from contracting your own plague. I cannot give you specific examples of how to infect your target with high intensity plagues as the Universal Code of Divine Justice prohibits me from doing so. Furthermore, unlike the medium level plagues I cannot even give you a hint.

Having shared this pertinent information with you I would like to add two further words to the wise. First off, don’t be a blabber mouth and decide to share your plague casting plans with whomever is around you. After all, the more people that know about your plans the higher the chance that you will be caught. Secondly, remember that Thus-Sayeth the Lord God of Hosts has claimed vengeance as His and His alone. If you decide to go out on your own and try to wreak havoc or revenge on anyone without consulting Thus-Sayeth the Lord God of Hosts first you can be sure that you risk reciprocating punishment for taking what was His to begin with.

I bid you grace and peace. Happy plague casting.

Water Balloon Fights

By: Christ the Constant Gardener

Yesterday I was witness to one of the most pitiful water balloon fights ever…I mean ever. First of all, the little nerds were using generic brand balloons which is a big mistake. Secondly, the balloons were only about halfway full of water. Thirdly, there was no reserve of water balloons ready in case anyone ran out. Now, I understand that not everyone here on this particular chunk of rock in outer space is familiar with the art of water balloon fighting, so I will be as frank as possible with the information that I will relay. Please pay close attention since doing so can only improve your chances of obliterating your competition in the high intensity sport of water balloon fighting.

We will first discuss the type of balloons that should not be used in a water balloon fight. Do not ever use generic brand balloons as these balloons are manufactured with the absolute poorest quality of rubber latex. This type of rubber is so flimsy and crappy you could not use it to make condoms for mosquitoes. Stick with well known brands of balloons. If at all possible use the balloons that are sold to clowns who make those cutesy balloon animals. These types of balloons are extremely durable. If utilizing these types of balloons be sure to fill them to capacity so that they will break on impact. Failing to fill them all the way will cause the balloon to simply roll off the individual that you tossed it at.

If you are anticipating tossing balloons from a height of more than twelve feet off of the ground I highly recommend using actual condoms. The type of rubber latex used in the manufacture of condoms is incredibly strong and can easily hold just under a gallon of water, guaranteeing that your target will be soaked to the bone. If you feel you do not yet possess the necessary experience to utilize condom water balloons from greater than average heights you should purchase the small, round balloons as they are very easy to handle.

The next thing we will discuss is that you must be sure to fill the balloons all the way up. Doing so will ensure instant breakage upon impact with the target. If the balloons are not filled to capacity they will often bounce off of the intended target and fall to the ground, only then to burst. Rest assured, it will take a lot of practice and a good amount of time to perfect the skill of filling water balloons to capacity. Adding other substances to your water balloons prior to filling them with water is often a good way to ensure breakage as well as add a little flair to your water balloon fight.

Adding flour, shaving cream, soda pop, milk, shampoo, soy sauce, ketchup, mustard, salad dressing, and gravy to your water balloons will certainly add some spice to what might otherwise be a boring water balloon fight. Do not, however, use any dangerous chemicals or elements or use corrosive substances such as bleach, acid, vinegar, and so on and so forth as doing so is not only dangerous to all involved with the water fight, but it will make you look like a dumb ass. Corrosive substances will immediately begin to eat away at the rubber of your balloon the moment you begin to fill it. Before you are able to even tie off the balloon, much less aim and throw it you will find that you are covered with the balloon’s contents. So, don’t be an idiot.

Lastly and most importantly you must, absolutely must have reserve water balloons full and standing by…ready to use. There can be no greater mistake that to run out of ammunition in the middle of a water balloon fight. If you are playing on a team you and your team members should set aside at least four buckets full of prepared balloons, placing them in strategic locations that may be accessed only by those on your team. If simply bombarding hapless individuals as they pass you by I highly recommend that you hide your reserve balloons very well. The last thing you want is for the person you just water bombed to find your ammunition.

These simple yet very important instructions can assure victory for you if you listen and apply them. All things considered they are very simple instructions and nearly anyone can follow through with them without screwing things up too badly. I mean, it’s not like they’re instructions on how to build a power plant; any one can do it.

Anchors aweigh!

Survival Tips for Police Agencies

By: God the Just

Throughout all of history there have been numerous groups of brave men and women who have selflessly dedicated their lives to serving and protecting the public of the cultures and communities they live in. As a result, over the countless millennia a structure of justice has formed, both seen and unseen, that takes responsibility for keeping all beings safe. Unfortunately, as more time passes this structure of justice has fallen under increasing fire and ridicule by the very individuals it is sworn to protect. The public demands that those within the structure of the various police agencies protect them, and then turns around and tries to dictate the manner in which that protection is provided. It is high time that police agencies take back the reigns of justice and learn how to better protect themselves from the ridicule and scandal that is caused by a protected public that is ungrateful at best.

The regulation of law and order within any society is not something to be taken lightly. It is the responsibility of all representatives of the law to enforce all of the ideals of justice while at the same time working harder to better protect themselves from an ungrateful citizenry. In the spirit of protecting all that is right from all that is wrong I now give unto every police agency six specific rules that will aid them in their cause of justice. For their own good and for their own survival police agencies everywhere must practice these survival tips.

Survival Tip One: Beware the Eye Witness

Far too many times police find themselves in the proverbial hot seat simply because they forgot to clear the area of eye witnesses before they proceeded to beat the living piss out of some criminal asshole who desperately deserved it. Always scan the area for eye witnesses.

Survival Tip Two: No Flash Photography, Please

People who happen to capture police brutality on film are a far worse situation to deal with than someone who is simply an eye witness. Eye witnesses can be discredited without much effort. However, unless the film footage of the police brutality is of poor quality it will be very difficult for the offending officers to ‘beat the rap’. So, before cracking the incredibly dangerous immigrant farm worker on the head with the police baton make damn sure no one is filming your dastardly deed.

Survival Tip Three: Probable Cause

This is an extremely important issue, especially when kicking the crap out of some hapless citizen. Probable cause is the only real chance police officers have in order to be acquitted of any wrongdoing in the case of a beating where there is no actual or verifiable evidence to vindicate the offending officers. In this circumstance police officers must fabricate a story that proves their lives were in danger which in turn forced them to take extreme measures in order to protect themselves from bodily harm or possible annihilation. It is of the utmost importance that officers utilizing this technique not go overboard with their story and damage their believability factor.

Survival Tip Four: Must Have Evidence

If during the progression of exacting instant justice on an offending citizen the offending officers realize that they have absolutely zero probable cause it is their right and responsibility to take measures to ensure that evidence proving the wrongdoing of the victim citizen exists. This situation in and of it’s own is why police officers should carry a small swath of illegal substances with them at all times. This way, in a real bind the offending officers can plant the illegal substances on their victim, thereby providing proof that the citizen is an unworthy member of free society and should be locked up forever.

When utilizing this technique it is important that the officers first knock their victim out so that they do not witness the officers planting the evidence. In addition, the officers should plant substances that are considered to be highly dangerous such as PCP, LSD, cocaine, and methamphetamine. Officers would also do well to remember to ensure their victim’s fingerprints are on the evidence as well.

Survival Tip Five: The Self Defense Rule

If an officer finds it necessary to construct a story of self defense it is imperative that the officer creates evidence of said necessity. This means that between the time the officer begins to beat his victim and the time it takes for backup or the media to arrive the officer must inflict injury on his own body. Bite marks, scratches, bloody lips, and torn uniforms are simple yet effective in ensuring the supposed guilt of the victim.

Survival Tip Six: Following Orders

If all else fails, and only if all else fails should officers assert that they were only following the orders of their superiors. However, it must be understood by officers attempting to utilize this excuse that this defense will rarely fly in court since most jurors will conclude that the officers should have ignored such an order from both an ethical and socially moral standpoint.

Serving society as a peace officer is certainly no cakewalk. In a few court cases officers have been put on trial for any number of offenses to include excessive force and unlawful detainment. Usually in these cases the officers neglected to completely think through their deed of debauchery and in doing so gave themselves as well as all officers a bad name. Yet…there is hope, light at the end of the tunnel of justice. This light, this hope that can and will illuminate the officers’ path to a better public opinion is consistently utilizing the above mentioned survival tips for police agencies. The sooner all police agencies make regular use of such tactics the sooner the public will begin to appreciate everything that civil authorities do in order to keep both the general populous  and civil rights in tact for eons yet to come.

Table of Contents

Copyright

About the Author

Dedication

Table of Contents

Worst Products and Ideas

Divine Privilege and the Perks of Wholly Holy Hypocrisy

What I Would Do

Worst Songs Ever

Movies that Never Made it Off the Cutting Room Floor

Setting the Stage for a Good Old Fashioned Riot

Renovating the American Prison System

Don ’ t Take That Leap … Don ’ t Get Married

Buying Gifts for Recipients You Really Don

Little Known Syndromes and Maladies

Worst Movies Ever

Make the World a Better Place

No Other Gods Before Me

Boredom

Make the World a Worse Place

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

Break Wind Like a Champion

Preparing the Best Thanksgiving Day Feast

Sonnets

Worst Television Shows Ever

How to Cast a Plague on Your Enemies

Water Balloon Fights

Survival Tips for Police Agencies