The Tenement Gospel

By:

Ester Lighthorse

This book is a work of divinely inspired fiction.

The Tenement Gospel

By:

Ester Lighthorse

Copyright 2011

For the fact that all paths lead to God in some form or other.

And for fun.

The Tenement Gospel

Name of Book…….Number of Chapters

M’tew….............27

Mac Daddy...…...17

Lou......................10

Jon………….........5

Acting Postal….....8

Roaming………....5

I ‘Inthians…….......3

II ‘Inthians……......2

‘Latians………......1

‘Pheses………......6

Flippin’…….…....4

Carlos…………....5

I ‘Lonians…….....4

II ‘Lonians……....4

I Tim-Tim……....6

II Tim-Tim…......4

T’aight……..…..3

Lemons………...1

Brewdude……..13

Jaime……….....5

I Pete……….....5

II Pete……..…...3

I J-Dog………...5

II J-Dog……....1

III J-Dog….…...1

Judes……….....1

Revelatin’…....8

The Book of M’tew

Chapter 1

1 Yo, this be the story of the life of a dude named Jesus Christ. If you go way, way back in Jesus’ family history you’d see dude was from the family of David the king, who was from the family of Abraham.

2 See, this dude Abraham screwed around and had all these sons, right? One of these sons was a cat named Isaac.

3 Well Isaac grew up, as kids usually do, and he eventually did the horizontal tango with some ho and spawned some brats of his own. One of these brats was named Jacob.

4 Anyways, long story short Jacob grew up and had a load of kids and then they had kids and then they had kids, yada yada. I’m sure you get the basic gist.

5 Then some dude named Obed had a kid named Jesse. By the way, remember that guy Abraham who was mentioned earlier? Well, Abraham was the great-great-great who knows how many times over grandpappy of Jesse.

6 So, this Jesse has a kid named David. David eventually becomes the king of Israel.

7 Now, when David was king he had this really brave, kick-ass soldier named Uriah. Uriah had a total hottie for a wife.

8 Unfortunately for Uriah, King David noticed the hottie wife and decided he wanted to snatch Uriah’s bitch and make her his own ho.

9 King David concocted a plan to cap Uriah by purposely placing him on the frontlines of battle knowing full well Uriah would definitely be killed.

10 Once Uriah was dead David took the hottie as his own wife, and eventually they had a whole bunch of kids.

11 One of these kids was named Solomon. Solomon eventually became another one of the kings of Israel.

12 Solomon, of course, had sons of his own. Those sons had sons who had sons who had sons…yada yada yada, plucka-plucka…all of them having really screwy names like Uzziah, Salathiel, and Zerubbabel.

13 A b-zillion years passed and somewhere down the line some dude named Jacob had a kid named Joseph.

14 As things turned out Joseph was the better half of Mary, the mother of Jesus. Jesus incidentally also goes by the tag Christ.

15 So, looking at all this useless info in a timeline you will see that fourteen generations pass between Abraham and King David, fourteen generations pass between King David and an ill-fated move to Babylon, and fourteen generations pass between the crappy move to Babylon and the birth of Christ.

16 Now, the birth of Christ, who is also known as Jesus, went something along these lines, ‘aight?

17 This gal named Mary was supposed to be engaged to this cat named Joseph. Then, surprise, surprise, guess who turns up preggars? None other than the unwed Mary.

18 Joseph wanted to avoid scandal and began cooking up plans to pull stakes and disappear with Mary.

19 Then Joseph had this whacked out dream where one of God’s minion angels dropped a line to Joseph telling him to marry Mary like yesterday, and that Mary was actually preggars with the Son of God, and that they were supposed to name that kid Jesus.

20 The minion then said Mary was a virgin even though she had a bun in the oven, that her miraculous if not questionable pregnancy was actually predicted by Jeanne Dixon, and that the kid Jesus will save everybody from the sin of the stupid shit that they always seem to be doing.

21 That sounds like the dumbest, most unbelievable bullshit story ever heard, Joseph said to the minion. In fact, that story sounds an awful lot like the stories of the Greek god Zeus impregnating mortal bitches and hoes, Joseph continued.

22 But, added Joseph, since that sounds a whole hell of a lot better than what I have been able to put together up to this point we’ll go with it.

23 When Joseph woke up he married Mary at the local Justice of the Peace.

24 Some seven months later Mary popped out the kid and did call him Jesus, and just to avoid scandal and gossip Joseph and Mary told everyone that their baby was born two months premature.

Chapter 2

1 At the time when Jesus was born Joseph and Mary lived in the one stoplight town of Bethlehem.

2 Now, Herod was king when Jesus popped into the world, and it so happened that traveling Gypsies from Jerusalem asked Herod where the King of the Jews was holing-up.

3 Dude, said the Gypsies to King Herod, We totally saw this super bright star that marks the birth and place of the King of the Jews. Can you, like, tell us where to find him?

4 Look, Herod said to the gypsies, Two things. One, didn’t you just say the star marked the spot of the birthplace? If it does there is absolutely zero sense in asking me for directions when you already have that info, you dingdongs.

5 Two, I don’t know what ‘shrooms you ate, toads you licked, or pot you smoked but I swear I have no goddamn clue as to what the hell you’re talking about.

6 Herod asked his government cabinet members what the Gypsies were spouting off about and they said, King Herod, eons ago a whole bunch of religious jack wagon prophets predicted that a new king would be born to lead the Jews.

7 The predictions said that this new king would be born in Bethlehem, and there would be a mega star that would mark the spot.

8 To himself Herod thought that the story was hokey, and he recalled the many times idiots claiming to be prophets of some sort or other tried to prove outdated and nonsensical religious predictions.

9 Herod remembered the Heaven Awaits cult from two years prior when thirty group members killed themselves by driving their chariots off of a cliff as they believed that once dead they would be beamed aboard a spaceship that was hiding on the other side of the moon.

10 Nonetheless, Herod did not wish to run the risk of the prophecy possibly being right on the money.

11 He told the Gypsies that once they figured out where the newborn king was they should come back and tell him so that he could go see the new bundle of joy for himself.

12 So the Gypsies went and found the newborn King of the Jews, and they worshipped him and gave him gifts of a Pillow Pet, a Sony Playstation3, and a one year subscription to Sports Illustrated.

13 Then after the Gypsies took hits of LSD they all had the vision that they were oranges living under the threat of being peeled by Herod and should hide from him. So, instead of going back to talk to Herod they ditched town and went home.

14 After the Gypsies left Joseph had another strange dream where another minion of God said to him, Joseph get your ass up, pack your shit, and hit the road with your wife and kid.

15 That prick king, Herod, is about to hunt you down and kill your kid. You and your patch quilt family are to pitch your tent in Egypt until God says it is safe enough and then you can bring your ass back here.

16 And so Joseph did as he was told and packed his wife and kid and all of their crap into their Ford Pinto hatchback and hit the road for Egypt. As it turned out they stayed in Egypt until Herod finally kicked the bucket.

17 Then the words of some long-ass time ago prophet or other was made true as the prophecy had said, I told My Son to get his ass out of Egypt.

18 Anyways, going back to the part where the Gypsies were supposed to tell the existing king where the newborn king was, when Herod found out he had been ditched by the Gypsies he was hot, I mean seriously pissed.

19 Those sons of bitches! Herod roared. It was then that Herod decided that just to be on the safe side he should kill all the baby boys in the Bethlehem area who were two years old and younger.

20 When Herod did this another aged and whacked out prophecy was fulfilled and it said, Mothers in Ramah were completely destroyed with sorrow, because the lunatic prick King Herod had capped all their kids.

21 So, jumping forward to when the asshole Herod died, God appeared to Joseph in his ham sandwich and said it was safe to go back to their hood. So Joseph and his wife and son prepared to move back to the hood and the tenements they had originally lived in.

22 But then Joseph heard that Herod’s asshole son Archelaus was ruling, and he was even more of a prick than his old man. This scared Joseph who was a bit of a wimp anyways.

23 Joseph decided he didn’t want to go back to his old hood after all, but he didn’t want to piss off Mary. Mary could be a real bitch sometimes, especially when she was PMSing.

24 So Joseph decided to tell Mary a white lie and made up a story of how God warned him through a bagel and cream cheese that it would be safer to move to a city named Nazareth.

25 Mary bought Joseph’s story hook, line, and sinker, and they moved to Nazareth. By doing this yet another garbled and ambiguous prophecy was fulfilled and it said, He shall be pimpin’ from Nazareth.

Chapter 3

1 Now back then there was this homeless dude with really wild hair that was becoming so matted it was nearly a helmet. And this guy had something of an unfriendly smell about him.

2 Anyways, this homeless guy’s name was Juan the Baptist. Juan was his given name and ‘Baptist’ was eventually added by those who occasionally ran into him and learned from his unmerciful smell that he desperately needed a bath.

3 So, this homeless guy wanders around Judea and rants,

4 Your dumb asses best be sorry for all the shit you done gone and did, because the kingdom of the heavens is knocking at the damn door.

5 This is the same knocking at the door that the prophet dude Isaiah was talking about a long-ass time ago when he said, The voice of a nut ball in the boondocks hollers,

6 Your asses had better be prepared for Jesus is coming, and boy is he pissed!

7 Now Juan’s clothes were ratty, torn, and always looked like they were from the penny bargain bin at the thrift shop; he often wore pants with busted zippers.

8 His diet wasn’t any better as all Juan ate and drank was loquats and Wild Turkey.

9 Then the folks of Jerusalem, Judea, and Jordan realized that by going along with Juan the Baptist’s fanatical religious rants they could probably trick him into washing the rind off of his nasty-ass body.

10 And so the people of that area of the ghetto allowed Juan to baptize them in the river Jordache, and after three busy days of dunking converts in the river Juan the Baptist smelled better than he had in decades.

11 But when Juan the Baptist saw that the Pharisees and Sadducees had meandered to the river to check out his operation he said to them, Who the hell do you think you are?

12 Why don’t you go back to the religious mamby-pamby land you live in and stick to your own dogma, you jack wagons!

13 And don’t even try to gossip that your version of God is the right one just because it has been around longer. After all,

14 My God is better than your God!

15 If you were trees I’d chop you up with an axe, leave you on the floor of the shack you try to pass off as a house, and then burn it down!

16 And your asses had better watch out for the next guy who is coming along shortly, because he is even more of a nut case than I am.

17 I only baptize people with water. The next guy will baptize with the Holy Spirit and fire.

18 Then one day Jesus made a visit to Juan the Baptist at the river Jordache and told Juan to baptize him.

19 Juan at first refused and said, Aren’t you the one who is supposed to save everyone from their so-called sins? You are supposed to be baptizing people with the Holy Spirit and fire and yet you want me to baptize you?

20 That makes no goddamn sense whatsoever!

21 Just shut your pie-hole and give me the friggin’ baptism, commanded Jesus.

22 So Juan the Baptist dunked Jesus under the water, but Jesus hadn’t been ready and his mouth filled with water.

23 He came up from under the water sputtering, coughing, and cursing Juan for doing that to him. Then the Spirit of God sent a dove to take Jesus a towel.

24 And behold, a disembodied voice out of heaven said, Juan, Jesus is my beloved son,

25 So for Christ’s sake watch what the hell you’re doing. The last thing humanity needs is for you to kill Jesus before he has a chance to save anybody’s soul.

26 By the way, the disembodied voice continued, Will the owner of a blue Humvee Chariot please move your piece of shit vehicle before I have it towed. You are blocking a driveway.

Chapter 4

1 Then Jesus was led by his GPS into the boondocks of the desert to be tempted by the Devil.

2 After forty days and nights of fasting Jesus was feeling hungry as hell.

3 The Devil said to Jesus, Look, J-Dog, if you really are who you say you are why don’t you use your magic to change some rocks into bread so you can have something to eat?

4 But Jesus said, I don’t need to change rocks into bread, ass breath. What I need is the combination to the floor freezer with the microwave meals.

5 Besides, Jesus continued, Don’t you know man cannot live by bread alone?

6 Everybody knows that, said the Devil. Too much bread means too many carbs. When you eat too many carbs it feels like you are shitting bricks when you take a dump.

7 Besides, I was simply making a suggestion, the Devil said.

8 Well aren’t you just the considerate demon? Jesus mocked.

9 Then the Devil took Jesus downtown and set him right on top of the biggest skyscraper. The Devil said to Jesus,

10 If you are who you say you are why don’t you jump off and see if God sends angels to catch you before you hit the ground?

11 And Jesus said, What the hell is your malfunction, Devil? Don’t you think that such an action would come across as just a little bit belligerent to God?

12 That’s similar to a teenager getting three full sails drunk and then getting arrested for drunk driving just to see if his parents post bail to get him out of jail.

13 Besides, said Jesus, Have you seen what he did to the duckbilled platypus? You think it would be a bright move to trust someone like that to catch you after you jump off of a fifty story building?

14 Well, mused the Devil, You do have a point.

15 Then the Devil took Jesus to a Dave and Buster’s and played a few video games, then showed him all of the cities and countries and kingdoms of the world.

16 Jesus, have I got a deal for you, said the Devil. I will give you all of these cities and kingdoms if you beat me in a pick-up basketball game.

17 And Jesus said, Get the hell away from me, Devil! You bug the hell out of me. Go find someone else to bother with your dumb ass dares and claims and ideas. Friggin’ loser.

18 Then the Devil left, and behold, God sent an angel with a medium pizza to Jesus since God had also forgotten the combination to the floor freezer with the microwave meals in it.

19 Then Jesus left the tenements of Nazareth and moved to the projects of Capernaum.

20 And Jesus began to preach his brand of salvation, saying,

21 Repent, for the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was a terrible movie that should never have been made.

22 One day as Jesus rode his Razor Scooter alongside the Sea of Galilee he spied these two brothers fishing.

23 And Jesus said to them, C’mon, guys. Let’s blow this joint before your boss comes back.

24 Since the two men, Peter and Andrew his homey, had nothing better to do they went with Jesus.

25 It wasn’t that much later that Jesus and his new posse ran into these other two bros named James and John who were fishing with their old man.

26 The old man said to Jesus, Yo Dude, you think you can take these two brats with you? They ain’t been lisnin’ to a damn thing I been sayin’ all damn day.

27 I be better off hooking fish on my own, ‘aight?

28 So, James and John gladly left their old man who was a complaining bastard anyways, and joined Jesus’ gang.

29 Then Jesus and his posse roamed the area near Galilee and preached their brand of Salvation, spoke their Tenement Gospel, and sold snake oil that healed every disease and sickness that so many of the people were encrusted with.

30 Loads of people tagged along with Jesus and his posse as they meandered around Galilee, Jerusalem, Judea, Jordan, and some town with the whacked out name Decapolis.

Chapter 5

1 Jesus and his posse saw that the crowds tagging along were getting pretty big.

2 Then Jesus climbed up on a soap box so that he could be heard and seen by all the people and he taught them the Tenement Gospel.

3 Blessed are the poor in mental marbles, for their dumb asses simply can’t comprehend enough of what is really going on to know any better.

4 Blessed are those who don’t bitch and moan, because no one really wants to hear their shit anyways.

5 Blessed are the cheap for they understand that a penny saved is a penny earned.

6 Blessed are the hungry for they will never have to worry about metamorphosing into a fatass.

7 Blessed are the liquor stores for they sure as hell provide a lot more comfort than they take credit for.

8 Blessed are the strong of heart for the chances of them having to get a pacemaker later on in life are virtually nil.

9 Blessed are the troublemakers for they shall be called Sons of Bitches.

10 Blessed are those who have been harassed by the self-righteous, for bullies always get what’s coming to them one way or another.

11 Blessed are you when you are pushed around for not believing in God or Salvation, for it is written that you may believe in whatever the hell you want to believe in.

12 If a plane leaves Orlando, Florida, at the same time another plane is leaving Seattle, Washington, and if both are traveling at six hundred clips per hour, who will reach Topeka, Kansas, first?

13 Blessed are those who are tolerant for they shall find that people have far more things in common than those things that serve as points of separation.

14 Blessed are those with bad credit and lots of debt, for they are the reason bill collectors have jobs in the first place.

15 You are the salt of the earth, but remember if you get too full of yourself and press your luck your life will be peppered with disaster.

16 You are the light of the world, but remember that not everyone can see that which illuminates their path or that which may free their mind.

17 For it is true that some men will light a lamp and then place it under a bushel in an effort to keep that which is illuminated for themselves.

18 Thus, when you find a lamp and light it’s wick, carry it before you so that all men who desire may walk the same lighted path as you, and that they may enjoy the same illuminated mind as you.

19 Do not think that I came to prove everyone wrong or to riot or to start a revolution in this world; for it is written that Jesus shall come to start a revolution of the heart and soul of all those willing to learn the truth of love and liberty.

20 And I swear this shit is true, that not one iota of anything on this chunk of rock in the Milky Way will change for the better until God’s creation gets his shit together and starts behaving properly.

21 For eons you have heard politicians say don’t do this and don’t do that,

22 But I say to you that these mother fuckers are always the ones to do what they are not supposed to do, these are they who persistently fuck things up for everybody.

23 So, if you think you can help anyone to get their crap together, your ass had first best make sure your life is not in shambles,

24 For he who couldn’t find his ass if it were a hole in the ground and he stepped in it is a waste of my goddamn time.

25 If you decide to give your homey a gift, give it to him and get lost. Do not try to hang around looking for compliments and kiss-ass kudos.

26 While you are in a cage fight be sure to give your opponent everything you’ve got right away,

27 For I say to you that skipping around the cage, dodging a few kicks and punches, and waiting for the right moment to give a knockout punch is the absolute best way to get your pansy-ass kicked badly on national television.

28 I am sure you have heard the phrase, Do not commit adultery.

29 But I say to you that some people have a sex drive that is immeasurable, and with people around them wearing skimpy clothing they cannot help but to screw around for they cannot keep their hands to themselves.

30 So, if your right eye causes you to stumble something is wrong, because your eye should be in its socket and not on the ground where your feet are.

31 And if your right hand causes you to stumble this is your fault, for if your hand is still attached to your body this means you are tripping yourself up, you asshole.

32 And it was said if two people do not wish to be hitched to each other anymore they should get a divorce,

33 But I say, fuck that. Don’t get married in the first place. And, keep your private property and accounts just that, private. If you like each other and love each other, fine. Move in together.

34 Then, if things don’t work out simply move out and take your shit with you.

35 And you may have heard some politician or lawyer or other say, You shall not perjure yourself but shall swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

36 But I say, screw that. Don’t tell the truth until you know for sure what the repercussions will be. And remember that pleading the Fifth Amendment is always an option.

37 I am sure you have heard the ludicrous phrase, An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.

38 Well, I say this is simply a snazzy saying crooked politicians and jackass individuals say in order to validate their feelings and actions of revenge.

39 And I say to you, resist the evil and inconsiderate people around you.

40 And if they strike you on one cheek you had best be sure to beat the shit out of them before they try to tag your other cheek.

41 And if someone is standing before you and you are pretty sure they are going to hit you, be damn sure to hit them first and break them in a way no doctor can fix.

42 And to those who would file suit against you, always file a counter suit.

43 And for he who would try to convince you to go a mile with him, don’t, because you can put good money on it he will ask you to go another mile.

44 To him who would ask something of you always ask why before you relent to his request; and to he who wants to borrow something tell him to get his own.

45 I am sure you have heard the romantic ideal of loving your enemy and praying for those who persecute you.

46 I say, screw that. Destroy your enemy and obliterate those who persecute you.

47 And when you greet your brothers say, ‘Sup! What it is, my brother! Or, Hows’ it hangin’?

48 And stop trying to be perfect, because everyone makes mistakes. Besides, man’s view of perfection is screwed up anyways,

49 For perfection is not doing something without mistakes, but rather is the persistence to get up again and again and again and consistently trying until you at last succeed.

Chapter 6

1 Take great care that when you do something good that people around you can see this great deed of yours, for there are simply far too many jack wagons out there who don’t have a goddamn clue of how to do something great.

2 And when you give money to the poor and to bums let everyone know, for they must remember that the poor will more than likely always be with us and need to be taken care of.

3 And when you do give money away always let your left hand know what the right hand is doing,

4 For the last thing you want is your left hand writing a rubber check just because it didn’t know there was not as much money in the account as it thought.

5 And when you pray, pray any way you like so long as it comes from your heart.

6 And if you do not pray, that is okay. Just be grateful in your heart for the things and the people in your life.

7 And if there is something you need and you pray, then pray for what you need.

8 And if there is something you need and you don’t pray, then focus on what you want, willing it, and it shall be yours.

9 And if you want to pray and don’t know what to pray then pray like this:

10 Our planet that is somewhere within the heavens, blessed be this day.

11 Let all nukes remain un-sprung so that the new day may come in this dimension as it does in others.

12 Give us this day the printed television show schedule, because flipping through a b-zillion channels just to find a good show or movie is a pain in the ass.

13 And forgive us of our debts, because we sure as hell don’t have the money to pay what we owe.

14 And if you lead us into temptation make sure it is something worth our while.

15 For Thine is the responsibility for more than we could possibly imagine. Amen.

16 And if you forgive people for the crappy things they have done unto you, do not expect them to do the same for you,

17 For if they knew better they would not have done unto you what they did in the first damn place.

18 And if you fast, do not look all sad and weepy and complain because you are hungry. Instead, shut your trap and go get something to friggin’ eat!

19 If you lay up for yourself treasures here on earth be sure to spend what you have worked for and have a good time, because you sure as hell can’t take it with you.

20 Of course, if you believe that heaven can be a place on earth, then I suppose you can set up a store of treasure for yourself in heaven.

21 I say to you that wherever the joy of your life is, there will your heart be also.

22 The light of your body is your mind. Therefore, if you have a closed mind you will never know what the fuck you are doing or supposed to be doing.

23 And if you don’t know what you are doing you will never go anywhere in life and you will look like a complete and total jackass.

24 And while some people say you cannot serve two masters, don’t believe this because it is crap. You can serve two masters and it is called multi-tasking.

25 And that saying that people cannot serve God and mammon is crap. If you don’t believe me simply look at the televangelists. Those guys are filthy rich.

26 And if you are worried about your life, what you will eat, what you will drink, what amount of money you will have, and what kind of house you will live in then get up and do something about it.

27 Look at the birds of the heavens. Do they not go get food when they are hungry and shelter when they want sleep? Are not men smarter than birds? I am sure you know where I am going with this.

28 And don’t waste your time on anxiety and worries. If you want something, will it. If you need something, will it. If you need something to start or stop, will it. If you need something to begin or end, will it.

29 For I am telling you that worrying about anything does absolutely jack to help you, but willing it gets shit done.

30 For whatever it is that you want all you have to do is make such known to the universe and it shall be headed in your direction.

31 But first you need to know that everything is available to you, and then you need to know that in asking for it you will get it. So, stop pissing and moaning that you don’t have the things you want.

32 And don’t live your life in some fairytale land where you are trying to save up holy kudos so some deity will let you into heavenly bliss.

33 Live each day for the day. Now is everything that is and everything you are. So, live in the now.

34 Don’t live you life for some supposed far off event that was predicted by some religious whack job’s interpretation of supposed divinely inspired religious text written a b-zillion years ago.

35 And don’t blame the screwy things in your life on the supposed evil of the day. That is bullshit. The day is never evil, but rather there are assholes out there who do some pretty evil stuff.

36 Take responsibility for your life and realize that the screwy things that happen to you are a direct result of your own screwy decisions.

37 Seek ye first the kingdom of Common Sense and all good things will find their way to you.

Chapter 7

1 Do not judge unless you are a judge; this way you will at least get paid for your efforts.

2 And if you hold political office always remember that whatever judgments you pass, these same ones can come right back and bite you in the ass. So be fair.

3 And while you are standing there looking at the splinter in your brother’s eye just remember that the longer it takes to get him to a hospital the more likely it is that the injury will be long-lasting and irrevocable.

4 Do not try to explain that which is holy to idiots, because the fact that they are idiots is clearly indicative of their inability to understand anything much more complicated than tying their shoes.

5 Always remember that just because you ask for something that does not mean you will have it given to you.

6 Just because you look for something that does not mean you will find exactly what you are looking for; you just might have to take a rain check.

7 And just because you knock, that does not mean that the right door will be opened to you or that you will like who or what opens that door.

8 If a man has a lazy son who asks him for a loaf of bread, the man should give that son a stone and say, Chew on that you lazy son of a bitch!

9 And if you are fishing at the Shelter Island Pier and a man asks you for a fish go ahead and give it to him. You don’t want to be eating fish out of that nasty water anyways.

10 Just remember that just like the Law of Cause and Effect is real, you can be sure as shit that the Law of Attraction is real.

11 Whatever is going on in your mind will be whatever is going on in your life.

12 And when the assholes of this world do stupid things to you and try to fuck up your life, do not stoop to their level and try to enact revenge.

13 Trust me, Karma is more than happy to make them pay for the shitty things they have done.

14 And when someone tells you to take the narrow gate or path and not the wide gate or path, feel free to tell them to shut their friggin’ trap.

15 Traveling the wide gate or the wide path is so much better. Not only can you fit far more people on it, but you can very clearly see where the hell you are going,

16 Who may or may not be hiding or laying in wait,

17 What conditions are further down the road,

18 And what mistakes people before you have made.

19 So, don’t travel the narrow path, fucking things up, and making things that much more difficult for yourself.

20 Beware of false prophets, televangelists, cult leaders, and lunatics who swear to know the mind of God,

21 Who swear to have written or translated the words of God, and who swear to have direct knowledge of the wisdom of God,

22 For such men are full of shit and only trying to turn a buck in a church pew instead of a used car dealership.

23 You will know these kinds of men, and in some cases women, by seeing them and hearing them,

24 For such individuals will remind you of the one infernally annoying noisy toy that your kids will undoubtedly receive from someone for Christmas,

25 The toy that won’t stop making its goddamn noise unless you rip out the fucking batteries.

26 Everyone who does not heed these words will be like the man who built his life preserver device out of a rock,

27 For this man, an idiot who didn’t know how to even swim in the first place, boarded a boat on the river.

28 And the rains came and the river frothed and the boat overturned,

29 And the man did not rise to the surface because his life preserver was make from a fucking rock, the ninny.

30 So, everyone who hears what I’m saying better freakin’ pay attention,

31 For neither do they want to be like the man who made his life preserver from the sand. The fucker was no more better off than the asshole who made it out of a rock.

32 And the crowds were amazed at the Tenement Gospel that Jesus was teaching,

33 For he was teaching them using common sense and not threats of abandonment by God or threats of burning in some place called hell because of the mistakes humans do tend to make in their lives.

Chapter 8

1 When Jesus was finished speaking he stepped down from the soap box and began to walk. The crowds still followed him.

2 And wouldn’t you know it, but a leper popped out of the crowd and asked Jesus to heal him,

3 And stretching out his hand Jesus handed the leper a basket with a few antibiotics as well as soaps and sponges from Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

4 The leper said, Thank you Jesus! And Jesus said, You’re welcome,

5 Be sure to use the soap in all of your body’s cracks and crevices, and make sure you follow the directions on the antibiotics and take them until they are all gone.

6 And, Jesus added, Be sure to tell everyone and tell the priests so that they know what universal healthcare can accomplish for everyone.

7 Jesus then continued walking until he was in the projects of Capernaum, and a pot dealer came up to him and begged,

8 Lord, my plants are lying withered in my house, terribly tormented by a lack of much needed light!

9 And Jesus said, I will come and fix your plants.

10 But the pot dealer said, I am a busy man, Jesus. I expect to sell at least thirty dime bags by this afternoon alone.

11 Please, Jesus, just say it is so and I know that whatever you say will be. Then you can continue your walk and I can continue my dealing.

12 And Jesus marveled at the dealer’s faith and said, See? This is what I mean by willing it and making it so.

13 And Jesus said to the pot dealer, Go, your plants are healed and I have installed the proper light sources. And the pot dealer’s plants were healed in that very hour.

14 And when Jesus finally went into his homey Peter’s home he saw Peter’s mother exhausted and lying on the couch with fever.

15 And Jesus touched her hand and the fever left her. She rose and said to Jesus, Lord, how have you healed me?

16 And Jesus said, Because I can. Now, Jesus said to Peter’s mother, You must remember to take frequent breaks while you are playing your Playstation.

17  If you do not take breaks and play for three straight days, well, yes…you will get sick.

18 And then loads of people brought Jesus their problems and their sick, and Jesus fixed their problems and healed their sick.

19 And so was this prophecy fulfilled: He fixed our problems with common sense answers and free healthcare.

20 And Jesus saw that he was still surrounded by great crowds, and he gave them orders to leave him alone and give him some breathing space, saying,

21 Don’t you people have jobs?

22 Jesus decided to go on another walk and hopefully ditch the masses of people who insisted on stalking him.

23 And Jesus stepped onto a boat and his posse followed him.

24 And behold, out of the friggin’ blue this freak of nature storm comes, a storm so big that the waves damn near covered the boat.

25 Nothing about the storm seemed to bother Jesus and he continued to rest peacefully in his hammock.

26 And the disciples went to where Jesus was resting and spun him out of the hammock, Jesus hitting the floor with a smack.

27 Help us, Jesus! Don’t you know the boat is about to go under?

28 No, I didn’t know, said Jesus. I had that entire bottle of Jack Daniels, or don’t you remember? Jesus stumbled out onto the boat’s deck  and hollered in a booming voice,

29 Quuuiiiieeeeettttttttt!!!

30 And the wind and the rain and the thunder and the waves stopped. The storm was no more.

31 And as Jesus went back to his hammock he looked at the disciples and said, You could have stopped that storm yourself. You’re all a bunch of pussies.

32 Then when Jesus and his posse had arrived in Gadarenes, they were met by two men who were so completely and totally possessed by violent demons that no one was able to pass them by.

33 Well, well, well, said the demons, Who have we here?

34 You know damn well I am Jesus, said Jesus. Now be good demons and let me and my posse pass.

35 But the demons did not wish for Jesus and his posse to pass. Then Jesus had an idea and said,

36 Demons, I will think of a number between one and ten. If you guess it we will not pass. If you don’t guess it we will pass, and in addition I will cast your sorry asses into that herd of hogs over there.

37 Okay, said the demons. Then the demons conferred amongst themselves and agreed that the number Jesus was thinking of had to be three.

38 Come on, Jesus said, Time is wasting and I haven’t got all day.

39 We choose the number three, said the demons.

40 Wrong! Shouted Jesus with glee and cast the demons into the herd of hogs. The hogs were overcome with fear, and in a fit thought they were lemmings, ran to a near-by cliff, and jumped into the sea.

Chapter 9

1 Jesus eventually got back into a boat and went back to the projects of his own city.

2 And wouldn’t you know it, but this paralyzed guy on a bed was brought to him. And Jesus said to the man,

3 Have courage, my friend, your sins are definitely forgiven.

4 Well, said the paralyzed man, Isn’t that nice? But that isn’t going to help me with not being able to walk around.

5 I guess not, said Jesus. And then Jesus healed the man’s paralyzed condition as well. Thank you, Jesus! Said the man.

6 Anytime, Jesus said, and then added, Just remember next time when you’re lifting heavy to use your legs and not your back.

7 And behold, some of the scribes accused Jesus of using Black Magic to heal the sick and to forgive sins.

8 But, since Jesus could read minds, he heard what they were saying in their hearts and he said to them,

9 You know what, it is just like assholes like you guys, people who refuse to believe in miracles and the amazing power of God and everything divine to accuse someone who is helping of doing something bad.

10 Obviously, you dimwits, if I am healing someone and forgiving their sins, then what I am doing cannot by definition be Black Magic. You ninnies!

11 Power or magic or whatever you morons wish to call it can only be ‘black’ if it hurts people instead of helping them.

12 Jesus was angry with the scribes and said, I find it utterly amazing that you assholes find it easier to believe in wrong deeds by Black Magic than good deeds by White Magic!

13 Don’t you know that when a person understands the power of the universe and bases his or her commands on such, what is commanded must be obeyed?

14 And the scribes had nothing to say for they knew they were wrong and Jesus was right.

15 And Jesus was disgusted with the scribes, flipped them the bird, and went on his way.

16 When the crowds saw this they were amazed, for they had never seen anyone stand up to the scribes and put them in their place, much less tell them that there was nothing wrong with using magic.

17 Then on his way to dinner Jesus added another homey to his posse, a man named M’tew.

18 Then Jesus and his posse sat down to have a bite to eat. Since the table was rather large many different people sat there hob-knobbing with Jesus.

19 When the Pharisees saw this they were angry for no one was paying attention to them since they were all gathered around the new dude, Jesus. And they asked Jesus,

20 Why do you sit there with the little people? You can heal the sick and forgive sins, so come sit over here with the cool people.

21 And Jesus said, I will sit with whomever I choose to sit with. And by the way, you are not cool. You only think you are cool because for so long you have managed to control people with fear and have withheld knowledge from them.

22 When Jesus heard the Pharisees muttering under their breath he opened his alligator skin wallet, removed a piece of silver, and tossed it to the Pharisees saying,

23 Here’s a piece of silver, call someone who cares.

24 Then did a powerful pimp approach Jesus and say, Lord help me! I have smacked one of my bitches too hard and have killed her.

25 Come, Jesus, place your hand on her that she might live and I might not go to jail for the rest of my life.

26 Be of good cheer, Pimp Daddy, said Jesus. The bitch you hit will be just fine. She is simply in a coma.

27 She will be awake by the morning and will not remember it was you who hit her.

28 Then Jesus left that area because it was getting dark and it was a high crime area. Then as he passed into another tenement district two blinded men called out to him,

29 Yo! Jesus, my brother! Help us for we are blinded.

30 And Jesus said unto them, Turn your ski masks around, for you have them on backwards.

31 And the men did as they were told, and, Lo! They could see! Thank you, Jesus! They shouted before proceeding to rob a mini-mart.

32 So, Jesus traveled all about the region teaching the Tenement Gospel, fixing the problems of the people, and providing free healthcare.

33 And when he looked at the crowds that followed him Jesus became angry, but not because the people really didn’t know any better.

34 Jesus was angry because he knew the people who governed these people did know better, but did nothing about it because they liked to have the populous under their strict control by fear.

Chapter 10

1 Jesus called his posse to him and gave them the authority to sign off on parking tickets, harass tax collectors, and offer free healthcare to the poor living in the projects.

2 Now the names of Jesus’ posse members had been changed since some of them did not like the names they were given at birth, but with birth names like Tyronius and Lavernawonda, can you blame them?

3 Anyways, the names of Jesus’ twelve posse members were M’tew, who was the owner of the Hard Luck Café string of eateries, Mac Daddy, who manufactured meth but only on a small scale,

4 Lou, who was a retired plumber from Cairo, Juan, who owned a kick ass taco stand in Jerusalem, Pete, who was supposed to be a fisherman but couldn‘t even bait his own hook,

5 Jaime, who was once a blackjack dealer in Jordan, J-Dog, who was a recovering alcoholic, Judes, who was only two points above being labeled medically and legally retarded,

6 Carlos, who was in the witness protection program, Webster, who was an acupuncturist but lost his license,

7 And Mufasa, who was formerly an attorney but was now on the run after he smashed a pie in the face of a Circuit Court judge.

8 These twelve misfits and idiots Jesus sent forth, warning them, sayin, Now don’t ya’ll fuck-ups be getting yourselfs into trouble or jail. I ain’t be havin’ the funds to bail you out or mount a defense so you better fucking behave.

9 And when you be preaching about the Tenement Gospel and there are people who tell you they do not wish to listen, then stop preaching to them.

10 If they do not want to listen that is totally their freedom of choice and you shall not be angry with them,

11 For it is written that people may believe in whatever it is they wish to believe in, and if they do not wish to listen to religious rhetoric then they don’t have to, and they shall not fear reprisal for not wanting to hear somebody’s spin on the divine.

12 And you shall not be acting as though you are sheep thrust into the midst of wolves, for just because you believe what you are saying that does not mean other people have to believe it and those not wanting to believe are not enemies. Your believing in your particular faith does not make you any better than anyone else.

13 So don’t be trying to make yourselfs to look like martyrs, because you ain’t.

14 And if any of you start to behave in a cocky manner and adopt the swagger of men who think they have the only answer to everything you can bet your buttons I will haul your asses before God and all his governors to face trial.

15 And if you are ever delivered into the hands of the Freedom Police for violating the rights of all people to believe in anything they wish or nothing at all, do not ask for me to defend you since I will not. You screwed up so you can fix it.

16 And if you are ever delivered up into the hands of the Freedom Police don’t even try to convince people that you your were told to behave in the manner that you did or that you thought Jesus meant for you to say this or that,

17 For if you do this I will personally kick your asses. Your assignment is simply to relay another path that leads to God, and not to dispel one path over another.

18 It is true that there will be those men who will hate you and the message that you bring,

19 For the greatest fear of all for some men is the acknowledgement that all paths lead to God, for they know that in the day that all men understand this their control by fear of other people is over for good.

20 And there will be times when you will most definitely be persecuted for your wide and broad-minded interpretations of all that is divine in this universe,

21 But do not fear such men. Instead remain steadfast in your open-mindedness and generously strong in maintaining your open heart.

22 What I be saying to you in private do not be preaching it in public, for the very fact that I told it to you in private is the first and most obvious indicator that I did not mean for you to blab it to the world.

23 Neither shall you make asses of yourselves by whoopin’ and hollerin’ from rooftops and mountains, from littered and dangerous streets of metropolis downtowns and from entrances to grocery stores.

24 And do not fear those who would plot your demise, for all you need to do is will the power within you and they must obey to let you be,

25 For these types of muthas always be in for a pound if they in for a penny, and because of this careless approach they will most definitely crash and fall all on their own.

26 And you can always spot these ninnies from a thousand miles away since they are the braggarts who claim to know everything, including the number of hairs on they heads.

27 But pay these asses no mind at all since absolutely nothing they have to say holds any kind of merit or value.

28 It shall be that if these types of assholes show up at your door demanding your confession of wrongdoing you shall deny them and not lose any sleep over doing so.

29 And while I am trying to remind everyone of the love and peace in this world, the assholes who teach and preach the Gospel of Disaster attempt to use their abominable interpretation of love and faith as a sword with which to wreak havoc upon the world.

30 These muthas be the type of people who be constantly searching for new and improved ways to set people against each other.

31 It is true that a man’s enemies shall be those assholes and mutha’ fuckas who be trying to tell everyone what to think, what to hear, what to do, what to wear, and what to believe.

32 They who love their friends and families with everything they are as people are the ones to truly understand the message of love I bring them, and the message of the Tenement Gospel I show them.

33 And they who do not follow me after pickin’ up they crosses show that they have the courage to shoulder the consequences of the things they have done without havin’ to use the religion of the faith that I preach as a crutch.

34 They who do not follow me and do not pick up they crosses show that they have the wisdom to learn from their mistakes and to leave them where they lay in the past.

35 He who gambles his paycheck shall lose it, and he who loses his paycheck shall be broke.

Chapter 11

1 After Jesus and his disciples finished with their team meeting they all went to teach the Tenement Gospel in the cities.

2 At that time Juan the Baptist had been arrested for vagrancy and contributing to the foul odor of an environment.

3 And Juan called up Jesus and said, Dude, are you comin’ to get me out or what?

4 And Jesus said, If you can show me you can improve your physical hygiene I will think about it,

5 For blessed are those who do not ram their shopping cart into the backs of my heels for they are paying attention to where they are going.

6 And as Jesus walked away he asked the crowds, Dude, what is Juan on? He is shaking like a reed.

7 And someone in the crowd said, He’s probably on smack.

8 Hum, said Jesus, I kinda had the feeling he was on something. Then Jesus left that place and continued to teach the crowds that followed him about the Tenement Gospel, saying,

9 He who has ears to hear I could give a good goddamn, because it really doesn’t matter what a person hears. What matters is what the voice of their heart says.

10 Never forget that this much is true: You can’t judge a book by its cover,

11 For there are definitely times when the men wise in the ways of the world and keen in politics don’t know their asses from a hole in the ground.

12 So, all of you who think you are overburdened and overworked come see me so I can give you your pink slip. I don’t need complaining muthas like you on my team.

13 For complainers are weaklings who only bitch and moan and never really do anything to change their situation to make things better.

Chapter 12

1 A little while later Jesus and his rag-tag group of disciples went to see a movie on the Sabbath. And since all of them were hungry they stopped at a mini-mart to steal a couple of bags of candy.

2 When the Pharisees saw this they shouted at Jesus, saying,

3 Do you not notice your street urchins stealing? And Jesus said,

4 Well, maybe if your dumb asses paid them for the landscaping work that they did for you they would have the money to buy what they wanted and wouldn’t have to be stealing.

5 And the Pharisees were angry with Jesus and said, Isn’t it against the law to steal? They are breaking the law! And Jesus said,

6 You’re breaking even more laws than they are, more serious laws considering that you shit heels are withholding their pay for no damn good reason.

7 Now I say to you that you are breaking the greater law by not paying men for the work that they have done.

8 And Jesus departed from there and roamed the neighborhoods on the eastside, and behold, a man with a withered lawn asked Jesus to make the lawn like new.

9 And Jesus did as the man asked and then said unto him, You are using far too strong of a fertilizer, and not only that, but you are using way too much of it. Cut it back a bit and you will see continued improvement.

10 It angered the Pharisees to see that Jesus seemed to always have the answers to everything or that he knew where to get the answers.

11 And they plotted against Jesus that they might destroy him in the upcoming Guitar Hero tournament.

12 But Jesus knew what they were up to and left that place, crowds in tow.

13 And growing weary of the po-dunk behavior of the Pharisees Jesus warned them to not piss him off, saying,

14 Don’t do that. You’re making me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

15 More time went by and then one day a man who was possessed by a demon as well as deaf and blind was brought before Jesus.

16 And Jesus asked those who had brought the man before him what it was they wished to have done unto him? And the men said,

17 Lord, what do you mean what do we wish to be done? Dude is obviously possessed as well as blind and deaf. And Jesus answered,

18 There is nothing wrong with this man. It’s Rush Limbaugh. He always sounds like he is possessed, doesn’t see things any way other than his own way, and doesn’t listen for shit.

19 Oh! Our bad, said the men and they threw Rush back into the gutter they had picked him out of.

20 And again Jesus began to teach the Tenement Gospel, saying,

21 It is true, foh-shizzle it is, that a city and a ruler divided against each other are divided against themselves, and if this is so it makes things a whole lot easier when it comes to taking over since there will not be any cohesion.

22 And stupid is the burglar who breaks into the home of a strong man and neglects to first tie up the strong man for you can pretty much bet on it that such a burglar will get his ass beat down.

23 He who ain’t be with me cain’t be against me, because in order to be against me you must be with me, you dig?

24 Know that it does not matter what sins are committed and by whom they are committed, for the love of the universe and the love that comprises all of that which is God must be forgiving of all. This is because God is love and love conquers all.

25 And he who speaks words against God is an idiot, because not only is such a person speaking against himself, but everyone knows that sticks and stones can break your bones while words can never hurt you.

26 When you make your bed in the evening and lay down to sleep make that sleep good, because no one wants to hear your shit about being tired the next morning.

27 Be wise in your finances and always remember that out of the abundance of the wallet the mouth eats.

28 And be diligent in remembering that you must watch what you say around people if you’ve gotten yourself into trouble, for anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

29 And when you speak let your words be the truth lest they come back around in the future to haunt you and bite you in the ass.

30 A man approached Jesus and asked him, Lord why do high ranking people in religion swear there is no such thing as magic, but then they tell stories of people and angels and prophets doing miraculous things? And Jesus said,

31 For a couple of reasons. Firstly, they are too goddamn stupid to be realizing they can’t have things both ways. One minute they are talking about the miracle of healing and the ghosts of the dead speaking to the living,

32 Then, the next thing you know they are harassing people who say they have visions and dreams and can see things without being present, and can hear things without being present and so on and so forth.

33 Secondly, not for one minute do these people want anyone to know about the power that lies within all men, because the moment more people begin to understand the truth of the power of magic within them, that is the moment they can no longer be controlled by anyone other than themselves.

34 Yet another man approached Jesus and asked him, Lord, is the story of Jonah being swallowed by a whale and surviving three days inside of it true? And Jesus said,

35 Fuck no! Whoever made that shit up must have been shootin’ up heroin. Shee-it. There are two main problems with this dumbass story that pretty much prove that it is nowhere near legitimate.

36 First of all, in order to survive people must breathe air, ‘aight? If they ain’t breathin’ air their asses are going to croak. It is completely and totally impossible for Jonah to have survived three days inside of a whale’s stomach with no air.

37 Secondly, the place where Jonah is said to have been swallowed by a whale is actually a lake and not the ocean. There are no goddamn whales in lakes. So, as you can see, the assholes who made this shit up didn’t put a whole lot of thought into it.

Chapter 13

1 Later that day Jesus sat by the sea while his house was getting fumigated under one of those circus tent looking things.

2 Bigger and bigger crowds flocked to where Jesus sat, and in irritation he go into one of the boats and set out a short distance to where the water was a little deep, for the people would not go that far as they did not know how to swim.

3 And feeling a measured amount of pity for the crowds Jesus decided to tell them some more stories so they would at least be entertained a little bit. And he said,

4 Behold, a duck walked into a bar and said to the horse, why the long face?

5 And lo! A sower went out to sow in his fields and sprinkled the seeds on the dirt. The next morning the sower saw that all of his seeds were gone since the dumbass forgot to put the seeds in the dirt instead of just on the dirt, and the birds ate the seeds.

6 Let it be known by all men that just because a seed is planted in good soil that does not mean that the tree grown will produce good fruit.

7 He who be having ears to hear let him keep them clean, because it is a nasty thing to be talking to somebody and you notice that they have crunchies in their ears looking like cornflakes, and all.

8 Then the disciples asked Jesus, Why are you talking to the people in riddles and stories? And Jesus said,

9 Because most of them are too goddamn stubborn and stupid to listen to the straight-up truth in the first place, much less have the necessary, honed thinking skills to interpret it.

10 Know that this is true, that whoever appreciates what they have shall draw more good things unto themselves, for appreciation is gratitude and gratitude is love and love conquers all.

11 And he who persists on thinking he has nothing shall continue to possess nothing since he cain’t even show simple gratitude for the air that he breathes.

12 Blessed are the eyes of those with good vision for they shall be the ones to find the needle in the haystack.

13 Blessed are those who understand that not all fruits of the harvest are going to be good, for there are always a few bad grapes in the bunch.

14 The kingdom of the heavens is like a pastry shop, for no matter what you get it will all taste good.

15 And the brains of those who preach the Gospel of Disaster are about the size of a mustard seed, for no matter how many times in how many languages you tell them that all paths lead to God they just don’t get it.

16 And behold, do not be like the sower who sowed seeds in fields that had not been cleared of weeds and debris, for doing such a thing is about as bright as putting a towel in the microwave to dry it.

17 Do not be likened to the whore of a woman who was caught cheating and exposed on Maury Povich, for you know that shit had to be embarrassing, especially since she was told it was going to be a show of her receiving some type of reward.

18 Refrain from harassing and making fun of the guy who walks pigeon toed, for he can kick your ass just as hard as someone with a straight foot.

19 Do not cast your vote for the guy who you think is the lesser evil, for his ass is just as bad and dishonest as the guy you didn’t want to vote for in the first place.

20 Do not put lighted candles on your Christmas tree lest you want to burn your house and half the neighborhood down to the ground.

21 When purchasing gifts for your children do not purchase them toy replicas of actual weapons, for in doing so there is an exponential increase in the chances that children receiving such toys end up psychopathic or sociopaths.

22 Never plug in a lamp while standing in a pool of  water.

23 Do not go to a theme park on a Thursday through a Sunday, for if you do you will spend eight hours in lines for five rides that really suck.

24 It is wise to never confuse bungee jumping with actual sports, for real sports require actual talent of some kind.

25 Never piss off a woman who is PMSing, for she will tear you to shreds.

26 Do not ever think you will fully get away with something, for if anyone knows whatever it is you have done it will probably be your mom.

27 Remember that those who are starving are blessed, for they shall never complain about the food you give them.

28 Blessed are the cheese makers, for everybody knows that you’ve gots to be puttin’ a little bit of something on Ritz Crackers.

29 And always keep this dear to your hearts, that RedBull is blessed for everyone knows you’ve gots to cut vodka with something.

30 Verily I say unto you that if a man breaks into a store with the express intention of robbing it, and if in the process of doing that he slips, falls and breaks his leg he shall then know that that is a fine example of the Divine Court Marshall of Instant Karma.

31 Be kind and sympathetic to the youngest members of any group, for no matter what high ranks they may achieve and hold they will always be the low man on the totem pole.

32 And it is written, Blessed is delivery pizza, for sometimes it just ain’t worth the effort to cook.

33 He who has ears to hear yet be regularly failin’ to listen to most anything anyone has to say is an idiot.

34 Blessed are paper plates and Styrofoam cups, for God knows I freakin’ hate doing dishes.

35 Behold, it is written that blessed are the supermarkets, for if people still had to hunt, trap, and fish for their food a majority of the human race would be totally screwed.

36 Never prevent religious zealots and preachers of the Gospel of Disaster from demonstrating, picketing and striking while holding signs with prejudiced  statements such as ‘God Hates Gays’,

37 For such a level of malicious stupidity on their parts only serves to prove what assholes they are and what hypocrites they are and how damaging their faith is when abused to religious extremes.

38 It is also written that such people really should pay more attention to the details in their scriptures for their holy book clearly states that God hates hypocrites.

38 Verily I say unto you that should you ever go grocery shoppin’ and find all three-hundred pounds of yourself reaching for low-calorie or sugar-free cakes and ice creams, well, you probably shouldn’t be eating that sort of thing anyways.

39 Blessed are the violently deluded, for they shall be the scapegoats for all the heinous crimes in the world.

40 And it shall be that whenever you are playing blackjack and are initially dealt two Aces you shall always split.

41 May it be known to all that the kingdom of heaven be like honesty in politics, for some will believe it exists and some won’t.

42 Blessed are those who learned something valuable from the televangelist scandals of the late 1990’sc.e., for they shall know to never, ever give any televangelist anywhere anything so much as a dime.

43 Keep this truth close to your heart and never forget that blessed is the Postal Service, for I can’t even imagine what kind of S.N.A.F.U. sending and receiving mail would be if the Pony Express were still in charge of things.

44 And after Jesus wrapped up his sermon he left that place and traveled by sea in an attempt to shake lose the crowds that kept following him like a cloud of hungry mosquitoes.

Chapter 14

1 It was about the time when Herod’s son Curtain Rod was king that people started to bitch and moan about Jesus telling’ other people about the power they held within,

2 And they also continually complained about Jesus’ persistence to offer free healthcare and were seriously considering a class-action lawsuit against Jesus for lost revenue.

3 Finally, Curtain Rod became frustrated with Jesus’ insistence to preach the Tenement Gospel and offer free healthcare. At a loss for plans of action Curtain Rod asked his mother, Lightning Rod, what he should do.

4 And his mother told him that Jesus’ pal Juan the Baptist was in the king’s prisons, and if he were to be executed by chopping his head off that would probably get Jesus to shut his trap and comply.

5 Curtain Rod was angry and said, What do you think this is, a Tales from the Crypt episode? Besides, maybe I should remind you of your Bay of Pigs Invasion plan that turned out to be a total fuck up.

6 But after begging and pleading by Lightning Rod, Curtain Rod acquiesced  to her request and beheaded Juan the Baptist.

7 Friends of Juan the Baptist text messaged Jesus the bad news, and feeling bad for his martyred friend Jesus went into the mountains to have a little private time of grieving.

8 But the crowds that had been following Jesus had developed a stalker’s sixth sense of where Jesus was and they followed him anyways.

9 And when Jesus saw the crowds’ persistence he was impressed and said, Behold, your staunch persistence is case in point proof that people can do incredible things if they only set their minds to it.

10 Feeling great humility and compassion for the crowds and their innocent hunger for truth and hope Jesus continued to preach the Tenement Gospel to them and heal their sick.

11 And after a long day in the revival tents Jesus’ disciples went to him and said, Lord, we’re in the freakin’ boondocks and startin’ to burn the midnight oil. The crowds are hungry and there is nowhere for them to get food.

12 Then give them something to eat, said Jesus.

13 But, Lord, insisted the disciples, we have nothing to give them except these five slices of pizza and a handful of Skittles. And Jesus said,

14 Sounds like a plan. Bring them to me. Then Jesus told the crowds to chill and relax, and he blessed the pizza and the Skittles and began to hand them out to the crowds.

15 And when everyone was finished chowin’ down, behold, the crowds laid down to sleep for the night,

16 And the disciples spent hours cleaning a mess that was bigger than the one left by the crowds at Woodstock.

17 When they were finished the disciples had gathered twelve plastic grocery bags filled with the leftover pizza. No Skittles were left over, and the curious disciples asked Jesus why this was and Jesus said,

18 Because everyone wants a taste of the rainbow.

19 And the number of the crowd that was fed that day was six hundred and sixty-six.

20 Then Jesus told the disciples to leave in the boat and head towards the next city while he hiked aimlessly into the wilderness to pray.

21 A few hours after the disciples had set sail they dropped anchor and waited for the water taxi to bring Jesus out to the boat.

22 It was still in the middle of the night when Mufasa saw Jesus walking upon the water to the boat. He was filled with joy upon viewing Jesus and hopped over the side of the boat and onto the water where he proceeded to run to greet Jesus.

23 Pete saw this and was dumbstruck.

24 Then Pete saw Carlos and Juan do the very same thing and became even more mystified.

25 And M’Tew asked Pete, Aren’t you going to go out to meet Jesus?

26 But…but…the water, stammered Pete as he looked into inky black waters.

27 It’s all about faith, M’Tew told Pete, and then asked Pete, Do you have faith and love for and in the Tenement Gospel?

28 Yes! Of course, I do, answered Pete.

29 Then you have nothing to fear, said M’Tew. Go and greet our teacher.

30 Pete walked tentatively to the boat’s side and peered at the dark water. Then he put one leg up and over the side, and then the other.

31 Koresh leaned over and whispered into M’Tew’s ear, Aren’t you gonna tell Pete where the rocks are?

32 Hell, no! M’Tew whispered back. Watch this…it is gonna be great! Koresh and M’Tew watched Pete heave himself completely off of the boat and into the water with a mighty splash. By the time he was being pulled back into the boat by Koresh and M’Tew, Jesus and Mufasa and Carlos were once again in the boat.

33 Jesus looked curiously at Pete who was absolutely soaked to the bone, and Jesus said, Dude, weren’t you paying attention when M’Tew told you where the rocks were?

34 And when Jesus had left the deck heading for the galley Pete looked at M’Tew and Koresh who were laughing hysterically.

35 And Pete said, You bastards.

Chapter 15

1 Then one night Jesus and his disciples were at the Olive Garden for all-you-can-eat pasta when they were approached by the scribes and Pharisees who incidentally owned that Olive Garden and who scolded Jesus and the disciples, saying,

2 It seems to us that your rag-tag group can’t even remember to wash their hands before eating. That is breaking the law. Is this a new trend you are starting or are you just trying to add a little spice to your supper?

3 Well, said Jesus between mouthfuls of food, you’re only half right about that. The law requires the people who prepare the food to wash their hands, and that is why you are required to post those ‘Lavase Sus Manos’ signs in the kitchen here,

4 Which, by the way, are not being followed since the guys you’ve got back there makin’ the pita bread haven’t been washing their hands at all.

5 And after finishing their meal Jesus and the disciples left the restaurant to go back to preaching the Tenement Gospel to whatever new crowds had started following them.

6 Later in that day Jesus was informed by one of his disciples that the scribes and Pharisees were embarrassed by the Olive Garden incident, and Jesus said,

7 Who gives a shit? Those assholes deserved to get a taste of their own medicine for once.

8 Then did Jesus begin to preach to the crowds again, saying,

9 A wise man honors his fellow man, for he understands that in doing so he is honoring himself.

10 And to those who profess to know the love of God yet who insist on putting words of hate into God’s mouth I say, Shut your damn pie hole! For it be a severe disgrace to put hateful words into the mouth of God.

11 He who be havin’ an ear to hear let him first go and look for his other ear, for unless he has been boxing with Mike Tyson he should have ears to hear, you know, plural…not singular.

12 Behold, those who preach the Gospel of Disaster and truly believe that they are the only ones to receive salvations and mercy and a place in heaven are not only sadly mistaken, but are embarrassing themselves and wasting their time.

13 If you see a blind man leadin’ a blind man do not leave them alone. Send someone for a camera and popcorn so you can record and enjoy some hilarious action.

14 Lord, I do not understand what you mean, said Pete. And Jesus said unto him, that doesn’t surprise me, Pete. You finished last in your class at Slip-Shot Academy,

15 For verily I say unto you, the fastest way to a man’s heart is right through his chest, just like the alien did in that movie by the same name.

16 Then did Jesus and the disciples leave that place, and as they walked a woman came upon them and fell before Jesus, saying, Lord, help me! I cannot stand. And Jesus said,

17 Well, for starters you can start tying your shoe laces. And thanking Jesus the woman tied her shoes and left.

18 And Jesus and his rag-tag posse continued on their journey throughout the countryside, climbing a mountain in an effort to ditch the crowds.

19 However, the crowds were becoming quite good at following Jesus wherever he went, bringing to him their sick and hungry and wounded and possessed. And when Jesus saw that the crowds came to him in such desperation his heart swelled with compassion.

20 And Jesus healed each person that was brought before him, saying, Healing and health and wellness is for everyone regardless of whether or not they have insurance,

21 For wicked are those who cruelly dangle the health of a person out of reach unless many pieces of silver are given in return.

22 And when Jesus was done preaching to the masses he again traveled with his disciples.

Chapter 16

1 A time later Jesus and his disciples ran into some scribes and Pharisees who began to taunt Jesus, saying,

2 If you are really in tight with God why don’t you prove it by showing us a sign.

3 And Jesus said, Sure. Then he promptly sent down a couple bolts of lightning that instantly incinerated the clothing on the scribes and Pharisees. And they squawked in surprise, running away in search of something to cover themselves with.

4 Raising his hands above his head Jesus said, Look around you and know that the day around you and everything in it, and the night around you and everything in it are filled with signs that you have the power to interpret,

5 And pay no heed to those who tell you differently for they are only concerned to not lose the control they have over you, and they are also concerned that you interpret sings to mean only what they want them to mean,

6 For in the moment that men begin to interpret signs for themselves they shall see the lies of what has been told to them for generations. It is of the utmost importance that you know that when a man knows how to interpret the signs he knows his own way.

7 Those who preach the Gospel of Disaster would have you believe that interpreting signs and seasons and planets is an evil thing, but it is not. Just like instructional manuals tell you how to put things together properly,

8 So do the signs of the universe show you how to live properly.

9 And be very careful to guard your heart against those men who would do their best to destroy the love and joy in your life with fearful statements of End Times and the White Throne of Judgment and the fairytale lake that is filled with fire,

10 For such men care only to appease the fear in their own hearts by any way that they can, even if it means scaring the hell out of other people around them.

11 After some time Jesus left that area and traveled with the disciples to the barrios of Ephesus. And Jesus asked his disciples, Who or what do you think I represent? And thinking himself to be quite the jokester Pete said, The Westside?

12 And the other disciples rolled their eyes at the stupid joke and said, A prophet, a king, a savior, a friend, a reminder, a representative of the love in the universe and all that makes up that which is God.

13 And Jesus answered, Verily I say unto you that I am all of these things and more, as are you for we all have the same access to love and everything in the universe and all that is God,

14 For I am not here to start a religion or to morph existing religions or to start cults or to direct men to subjugate those religions they detest. I am here to remind you of who you really are and what everything is in relation to you.

15 Be strong in your appreciation and gratitude of love and the practice of the same for this will make your heart stronger than the hardest rock, and upon that rock you shall build your understanding of love and all that is in each life you live. Be wary of those men of the Gospel of Disaster who swear by their scriptures that they have or can acquire the keys to the kingdom of the heavens,

16 For these men lie since the kingdom of the heavens needs no keys as it is never locked. Neither shall any man ever travel to the kingdom of God as so stated in the Gospel of Disaster, for I say to you that such a kingdom is already here, has always been here, and will always be here. Every person is already a part of it.

17 Each person, each man is an individual expression of God and everything that makes up what God is, so to search for and find and know God is to search for and find and know one’s self. Foh-shizzle this be the truth.

18 And Jesus also told the disciples that there were those who were plotting against him in order to acquire his parking spot and his corner office at the stock exchange.

19 The disciples were angered and said, Lord, what would you have us do to help you? We do not want you to be harmed by these men. And Jesus answered,

20 I must allow them to do this in order to prove a point, a point that outlines the hideousness of their abused faith, their transient and ambiguous God, and their stingy and shaky salvation.

21 They do not understand that there is no requirement of sacrifice in exchange of salvations, and they live many lives and many generations in want of this knowledge because of their stubbornness,

22 And because of this they do not realize that once a person understands love they also understand that they never taste death.

Chapter 17

1 After a few days Jesus went with some of his disciples up a mountain in order to get a little high, and after smoking and passing around a rather large doobie laced with shrooms they were all quite inebriated and began to hallucinate.

2 And Jesus said, Dude, I think I am transfiguring. Right on, dude. And Mufasa said to Jesus, Yes, you are totally transfiguring, man! I can totally see your aura and it’s radical!

3 Pete had picked up a rock in one hand and a flower in the other and brought them to where everyone was sitting and tripping out. Check it out, man! Pete said excitedly as he held out the flower and the rock. This is Moses and this is Elijah!

4 That ain’t Moses and Elijah, man, said M’Tew. That’s a bar of soap and a parking ticket! And they all laughed for they felt pretty damn good. Then Jesus said,

5 Guess what? My old man was totally smoking this mow when he was makin’ all the animals and shit. He ended up screwin’ a couple of ‘em up, totally jacked them up. Wanna guess which ones?

6 How many guesses do we get? Asked the disciples. Ah, man, you can be guessin’ as many times as you want, brother. He done screwed plenty up. You go first, Pete.

7 Okay, said Pete as he took a huge hit off the doobie. I pick the buck dilled platypus…I mean…wait…the puck dilled platypus…wait…the duck billed platypus.

8 Yes, said Jesus, that’s one of them. M’Tew, make a guess, my brotha. M’Tew laughed heartily and said, Uuhmmm…I pick, uhm…I pick,  uhm…the okapi!

9 Bingo! Said Jesus. You picked another one! Good job, Matty. Now your turn, Koresh. Koresh? Yo, Koresh? You alright, buddy?

10 Koresh was leaning against a large boulder, his eyes closed and his lips moving as if in prayer. What’s he sayin’? Jesus asked. M’Tew leaned close to Koresh and listened for a moment before beginning to laugh. What’s he say? Asked Jesus.

11 He be sayin’, M’Tew laughed and snorted, He be sayin’, ‘I Am the Lamb’.

12 And with that said Jesus and the disciples laughed loudly.

13 After Jesus and the disciples had come down from their high they came down from the mountain and encountered a crowd that had been searching for Jesus.

14 And a man from the crowd called out to Jesus and approached him, saying, Lord, I have been feeling so sick lately. Sometimes I cannot even walk and a couple of times have even fallen in the shower and off the front porch, and twice into the hearth,

15 And it is for these things that I ask for you to heal me, Lord.

16 And Jesus said unto the man, Stop drinking the goddamn bong water and your condition will improve.

17 And another man in the crowd called out to Jesus, saying, Lord, there are many things that I want in life, many places I wish to go, and many places I wish to see. How may I have all of these things? And Jesus said,

18 Have faith in your heart that what you want is already yours. Close your eyes and feel the presence of all the things you desire, and when you dream at night wrap your arms around the one you wish to love and by doing so everything you want simply is,

19 For it is by your desires and joys and loves and will that your life is forever directed. So, think happy, fortunate, and wealthy thoughts.

20 And after he had ministered unto the crowd Jesus reminded the disciples that he would soon face the unjust wrath of those who hated him out of fear and jealousy. And when Jesus saw that the disciples were grieved he comforted them, saying,

21 Do not fear for me, for the love in my heart and the wings of my mind and my understanding of all that comprises what God is sustains me.

Chapter 18

1 After traveling a short ways to another ghetto, Jesus and his rag-tag disciples sat down on the ground behind the local Home Depot in hopes that someone would be in need of unlicensed manual labor. As they waited Jesus spoke, saying,

2 Be wise men and not like those who insist that their obese asses are not overweight, but simply big boned. There is no such term…at least no such ‘clean’ term that is not sexual in nature. I am not exactly sure why that came up, but moving on,

3 Avoid the hypocrisy of the Gospel of Disaster that says that the inner power in each man is evil and an abomination, for my father put this power within you for the express purpose of helping you in life.

4 And do not behave like little children in a schoolyard fighting over a soccer ball, for I am quite confident that you could very easily find something else in the schoolyard that would be an acceptable item to kick around, for example, a bully.

5 Do not fall for the silliness of the Gospel of Disaster that states if you put yourself in the mindset as a little child and act all humble and shit all the time, then you will be great in heaven,

6 For such a ludicrous saying is just a round about way for zealots to control you and your thinking and keep you toeing the line of their cracker jacked dogma.

7 Verily I say unto you that the claim made by the scriptures of the Gospel of Disaster that say that people who try to tell youths the truth of the Gospel of Disaster will have a stone tied to their neck before they are thrown in the sea and drowned, is false.

8 Crap like that is exactly the kind of bullshit that the Gospel of Disaster consists of. It is nothing but a load of nonsense wrapped in fear.

9 And you want to talk stumbling blocks? That is the perfect descriptive term for the Gospel of Disaster and the half-wit fear mongers who are constantly stirring every single pot they can find.

10 Do not accept the stupidity of the ideology to cut off your foot or hand if they stumble you. That is straight up stupid. If your hand or foot stumble you that is because you weren’t paying attention and they are trying to tell you to get with the program.

11 Understand that the Gospel of Disaster would have you believe that it is better to go through life maimed and supposedly going to heaven, rather than have all of your body and supposedly going to hell,

12 And as you can see by such a deluded statement the Gospel of Disaster loves to use fear and innuendo to convert people or prevent them from leaving such a whacked out faith,

13 For the statement really means that followers of the incomplete faith of the Gospel of Disaster go to heaven, and people who strive for and study and seek the whole truth go to hell. For the Gospel of Disaster honesty has never been a policy.

14 Verily I say unto you that your eyes were made for searching, so use them without fear of stumbling. For a man who is walking with his eyes open cannot stumble, while the man walking with his eyes closed falls into every pit he happens upon.

15 Do not fool yourselves into thinking that setting down the handful of dollars in the wind in order to pick up a penny on the ground is a good idea, cause it ain’t. You must learn to deal with the fact that sometimes the many are more important than the few.

16 Always remember that if your friend or relative screws up and you help them to compensate for what they have done, and if they learn from such a thing then they are blessed.

17 But if you help a friend or relative who consistently screws up even after you help them again and again, and if they show they cannot learn from their mistakes, then let their silly asses get themselves out of trouble the next time.

18 When you speak to those prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster who will try to cram their every belief down your throat but who won’t listen to a damn word you have to say, let them be,

19 For any effort you make to show them the truth will be a wasted effort. Stupidity knows no opinions other than its own, and such is the Gospel of Disaster.

20 And know that anything done can be undone and anything unfinished can be completed if you only set your heart and mind to it.

21 And just because you have a buncha people who believe in the Gospel of Disaster, the heaven of its God, and the flames of its hell that means absolutely dick, doing nothing to validate the lunacy of their claims.

22 Whenever two or three or more prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster gather around you it is best to get the hell out of wherever you are, because you can bet those assholes will gang up on you and your free, open mind sooner or later.

23 And wherever two or three or more prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster are gathered, there is mayhem right in the midst of them.

24 The Gospel of Disaster is like a fruitcake at Christmas and better left alone, for it is not going to taste any better than it looks.

25 Verily I say unto you that the heaven of the Gospel of Disaster is like the fish caught at the Shelter Island Pier and small, malnourished, flecked with cancerous growth, sometimes interesting, good to catch and wrestle with, but never good enough to actually eat.

26 And behold, the man who believes only one truth and one interpretation of God is a slave unto his mind and his fears,

27 But the man who believes in many paths that all lead to God is a slave to no one.

Chapter 19

1 And after sitting behind the Home Depot for six hours without any luck in snagging some manual labor Jesus and the disciples walked back to the projects of Capernaum.

2 The scribes and the Pharisees approached Jesus and the disciples at the River Jordache and inquired of Jesus, Tell us, is it fair and lawful that each NFL team receives only two challenges per game and not per half?

3 And Jesus answered, No. It is not. And not only that, but all touchdowns should be reviewed and challenges must be allowed at any point in the game, even in the final two minutes of the half or the game.

4 Then the scribes and Pharisees asked Jesus, Lord, is it not sinful to be divorced from one’s wife or one’s husband? And Jesus said,

5 Of course not! What, you really think someone in a crappy marriage has to stay in that relationship? Screw that! The real sin would be staying in a relationship where no one is happy and everyone is miserable. Don’t you have better questions than this?

6 And a Pharisee stepped forward and asked Jesus, Lord, is it not an abomination before God for a man to lie with a man or a woman to lie with a woman?

7 And Jesus said, No. What the hell ever gave you that ridiculous idea? Don’t you know that love conquers all, and that includes gender?

8 Then did a scribe ask of Jesus, Teacher, is it not wrong for a woman to carry a child without being married?

9 No, answered Jesus. There is no sin in a woman carrying a child without being married. The only thing that matters is that she nurture the child and love the child. Marriage is simply a religious ceremony, or don’t you guys know that?

10 And yet another Pharisee asked Jesus, Lord, is it not sinful and against the will of God to have many possessions and an abundance of money? And Jesus said,

11 Of course not, you idiot. Life is meant to be abundant in every aspect including money and possessions and even relationships,

12 For verily I say unto you that it would be easier to stick this needle in your eye while riding a camel than to try to convince a stubborn asshole like yourself that he’s wrong.

13 And the disciples heard this and laughed with great amusement for Jesus always knew exactly how to cut the scribes and Pharisees right to the bone.

14 Then after the scribes and Pharisees had left that place, Pete asked Jesus, So, if those assholes are plotting against you, well, what will become of us? What will we do when they come to take you?

15 Anything you want, said Jesus. And Peter looked confusedly at Jesus, then to the other disciples and then back to Jesus, saying,

16 What do you mean? We left whatever we were doing and whatever we had to follow you! Where are we supposed to go and what are we supposed to do?

17 That is not my problem, said Jesus. Maybe next time you will think twice about doing what some random stranger says when you are told drop what you are doing and follow him. Now, what did we learn?

Chapter 20

1 Then did Jesus say, The kingdom of the heavens of the Gospel of Disaster is like the man who picks up undocumented workers from behind Home Depot to do the landscaping and to build a few sheds,

2 He promises excellent pay and great reward but never follows through with anything except for his threat to call immigration agents when the work is done and he does not wish to pay the workmen.

3 And the salvation of the Gospel of Disaster is likened unto the Communist party, damaged goods not worth selling anywhere but the ninety-nine cent stores.

4 The redemption of the Gospel of Disaster is likened unto German money printed by Hitler and his goons in the 1940’s, a cheap fraud not worth the paper it is printed on.

5 Forgiveness in the Gospel of Disaster is fleeting, revocable, and has more requirements, sub clauses, and addendums than a prenuptial agreement.

6 Verily I say unto you that the scriptures of the Gospel of Disaster cannot be taken as truth, for they have been diluted by the interpretations of men who seek only to control the minds of men, hoard the power of the universe, and inflict fear.

7 Behold, it is written that in order to have the most fun playing Grand Theft Auto on Playstation you must use the cheat codes, especially the ones for the katana sword and the flying tank.

8 And if someone tries to tell you to do something that you know you should not be doing, do not do it no matter how much they threaten you with loss of salvation or redemption or friends or family. People who threaten like this don’t deserve the time of day.

9 After a while Jesus and the disciples decided to go to Jerusalem for the mud truck rally, and as usual the crowds following them grew rapidly as they walked along.

10 And what was a low murmur became a loud chant, Jesus, teach us. Jesus, teach us. Jesus, teach us. And even though Jesus knew the mud truck rally would not be back in town after that night for another three months, he had compassion on the crowds,

11 For the crowds that followed him were eager to learn those things which had for so long been hidden from them by the scribes and Pharisees and priests and judges and prophets. And Jesus taught them, saying,

12 Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peckers. If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peckers then where is Peter Piper and the peck of pickled peckers?

13 And behold, he who is wise does not need a mirror in order to look at himself or the things he has done or the things he is doing or the things he will be doing.

14 It has been written that people like that idiot mom who had eight babies all at once just to squeeze fifteen minutes of fame from the sponge of entertainment should never be allowed to have children.

15 Verily I say unto you that if anyone really knew how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if it could chuck wood that the damn rhyme would not have been invented in the first place.

16 And behold, if you have to ask how much the doggie in the window is you cannot afford it. So go away.

17 When anti-gay and anti-lesbian groups that happen to be religious picket with signs covered in hateful words, do not go to the Supreme Court to try to get them to stop. Instead, let them keep doing whatever it is they are doing,

18 For in doing so everyone will see what hateful, loveless, hypocritical, judgmental, prejudiced, asinine, lying, and control freak fuckers they are.

Chapter 21

1 Once Jesus was finished teaching the masses he went up to the mount of Palmolive to pray. Then he sent the disciples to find an alternate manner of transportation for his legs and feet were tired and his sandals had rubbed a blister on his heel.

2 When the disciples had returned they presented Jesus with a snow sled and a rope, and Jesus muttered to himself, Blessed are these idiots for they shall be the death of me.

3 Then Jesus sent the disciples back out to find a more suitable form of transportation. When the disciples had returned they presented Jesus with a pogo stick that had a broken spring.

4 And Jesus shook his head so slightly that the disciples could not see his frustration, and he said to himself, With disciples like these I can only hope the scribes and Pharisees capture me quickly and put me out of my misery.

5 Then Jesus sent out the disciples again, saying, Fucking ‘A’, man. Get some goddamn decent transportation that isn’t out of season or fuckin’ broken, you got it?

6 Again the disciples went out and a short time later returned with a donkey so old it probably belonged to Methuselah. Jesus was too tired and frustrated to say anything to the disciples and instead rode the donkey into the city.

7 Thus was the prophecy fulfilled that said, Because his ass was broke he arrived to the city on an ass.

8 Then when Jesus arrived at the temple and saw that a major swap-meet had been set up he became angry, saying, I’m giving you orders! Blow!

9 Then Jesus began to teach again and to offer the sick and injured free healthcare, and this made the scribes and Pharisees angry for charging the sick and injured exorbitant fees for medical care and treatments was their biggest source of income.

10 The next day at breakfast Jesus was famished and went to the roach coach right outside the temple and ordered a coffee and doughnut.

11 Then Jesus went into the temple and tried to talk some sense to the scribes and Pharisees who seemed to be having problems understanding just about anything Jesus said to them.

12 And the scribes and the Pharisees repeatedly asked Jesus how he knew how to heal people, how he could walk on water and how he could make popovers without so much as burning the crust.

13 Behold, Jesus was aggravated with the scribes and Pharisees for it seemed as all they were really good for was standing around and irritating the hell out of just about everyone.

Chapter 22

1 Then did Jesus decide to one more time try to talk to the scribes and Pharisees in parables since they could not seem to grasp the concepts he was telling them in their own language in simple terms. And Jesus said,

2 The kingdom of the heavens of the Gospel of Disaster is like the asshole social workers down at the state aid office who purposely deny you help, not because you do not qualify, but because they have the power to do so.

3 Woe to the man who claims that salvation comes in only one form, for he shall never understand the power and the glory of everything that surrounds him.

4 Verily I say unto you, scribes and Pharisees, it is people like you who inevitably fuck things up for everyone else simply because you figure if you cannot understand it or have it, then no one can.

5 Wise is the man who follows his heart for the wisdom it contains, for each life that he lives shall be filled with love and joy and abundance.

6 Behold, the man who tries to control the understanding of another will more than likely get his ass kicked before the day is out.

7 Blessed are anti-depressants for they help those of us with brains to put up with those of you without them.

8 Blessed is a good bottle of wine for you shall sleep that much better.

9 Verily I say unto you, a brave and courageous man accepts and tolerates those faiths and truths and loves all around him with out feeling threatened in his own faith,

10 But the cowardly man shall feel the foundations of his faith tremble every time a man of a different faith comes along. The cowardly man cannot help but to allow his stubborn fear to envelop the eyes of his heart and mind.

11 And the scribes and Pharisees were exceedingly angry with Jesus for Jesus had placed the finger of truth directly upon their hearts and exposed their hateful faith and false ways and suffocating love.

12 Craftily, they gathered in places where the crowds dared not to go and spoke amongst themselves as to discover a way to destroy Jesus, for they were very threatened knowing that the truth of the lies that they had been living were being exposed.

Chapter 23

1 And Jesus spoke of the scribes and the Pharisees to the disciples, saying,

2 Beware of these men for they have the gift of a gilded tongue and can get people to say and do some of the darnedest things, they will set people against one another and they will set faiths against one another. Why do they do this?

3 They do not do it because they truly believe that their faith is the only faith, they do it because the blackness in their hearts desires to be of all and before all and above all,

4 And the suffering of those of different faiths or of no faith at all feeds the dark demon of control within the hearts of the self righteous, and they cannot eat or sleep because they must know that their quarry is cornered.

5 Therefore, I charge you to not allow these mother fuckers to get to you. Do all that you can to block the barbs of their pointless claims and rhetoric from bothering you,

6 For they cannot see or hear or sense the lunacy of their scriptural psychosis for those ridiculous things have allowed their sense of superiority to become a severely over-inflated sense; and they claim and suppose to be but are not.

7 What they speak is not the truth. What they do is not the truth. What they read is not the truth. How they act is not the truth. Who they are is not the truth. Why they believe is not the truth for all of these things are metamorphosed from the fear in their faith.

8 Verily I say unto you, nothing, absolutely nothing rooted in fear can ever be faith.

9 Blessed are those who ignore the religious zealots of the world, for their’s is a far more peaceful sleep, and their’s is a happier lived life.

10 Behold, the wise man thinks first on how he looks to himself, and secondly how he looks to others, for if he cannot look at himself in the mirror then his ass isn’t worth the printed toilet paper he wipes it with.

11 Do not feel compelled to try to explain the fallacy of the Gospel of Disaster to its prisoners, for there is nothing you can do to make them listen or see the light.

12 And when you wear your jewelry of a five pointed star in a circle and a prisoner of the Gospel of Disaster accuses you of wearing occult symbols of the darkness, this you should say to him,

13 Who are you to dictate what the symbols in the universe take to mean? For the creation of such is neutral, and it is the intent of the heart, good or bad, that makes them so associated with the appropriate consequences, and I am good and my heart loves.

14 Behold this is true, the prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster are confused by the lack of fear and the presence of love of the Tenement Gospel and the hearts and souls that embrace the same,

15 It is for this reason that you shall pray for them that they may overcome their fear and reach for the hope and love that surrounds them.

16 Until then, know that all will not understand things all at once. Some will live many lifetimes before surrendering to try to understand, and some will live purely for the joy of persecuting others of different faiths or no faiths.

17 And they shall come for me and arrest me and make charges against me and hurt my body, but they cannot hurt my spirit or my soul, so do not be afraid.

18 And they shall do everything they can to make you afraid by painting grim pictures of cataclysms and all kinds of crazy shit born out of their scared little puddy ’tat brains. Do not pay them any mind.

19 Jesus then charged them, Do not forget that the brainless, groundless, exaggerated, and twisted claims of the Gospel of Disaster and its hapless converts cannot make any of the crazy shit they be claiming to come true,

20 And make no mistake that they shall be very crafty with the manner in which they try to instill fear, but grasp the love that surrounds you and is in you and of you and for you and they cannot breech the armor of truth and love that you wear.

21 Verily I say unto you, that should a prisoner of the Gospel of Disaster drop the chains of his hateful faith from around his heart and start searching for the truth of love in this universe, so shall you embrace him and imprint upon him all that you know.

Chapter 24

1 When Jesus and the disciples left the temple Jesus paused outside of the temple and pointed to it, saying, Look upon the mighty stones that simple men have conspired to manipulate and create something so beautiful,

2 So much more beautiful are the things that can and will be created if men only work together without drawing lines of opinions in the sand.

3 But what does it matter to have such a beautiful building if there are no men to enjoy it if they all die fighting each other?

4 For if the men of the world can only look at one another out of love they would find that a great quake could smash every stone of this building down to the ground, but the peace and love shared by men can resurrect it just as before.

5 Then Jesus and the disciples went back to the mount of Palmolive where Jesus told them that the time that he should be taken by the scribes and Pharisees was very near.

6 Behold, said Jesus, Many shall come in my name and in the names of love and peace and hope and mercy. Do not turn them away, but embrace their understanding of love and everything that makes up what God be,

7 To understand the depth of God you must understand the depth of truth and the nature of love.

8 Prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster have convinced themselves that God and the Universe and eternity all have one depth, and that depth is death,

9 And they live in constant fear of this supposed and possible death that does not exist, plotting with one another and devising special ways to earn a salvation that requires great suffering and even greater neglect of truth and love.

10 And they do not want to see the error of their false truth, for then they would have to admit their own wasted efforts.

11 Verily I say unto you that there are many men who would rather live in a condemned dwelling, putting their life and their family’s lives in danger, than to strip the dwelling to the foundation and start building anew.

12 With each war that men rage and with each disease that ravages and with each crop that fails to produce the prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster point and say, See there? The destruction of the earth and eternity and humanity is imminent.

13 They see no hope, though they speak of it. They feel no faith, though they think of it. They know no love, though they want of it.

14 And forever threatened by all who believe differently or not at all, the prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster do not believe in changing approach in love and peace and truth and hope and harmony in order to better balance eternity,

15 But rather the prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster seek to endure what they believe is a hopeless situation, unsalvageable, limited and not worthy of even a half-assed effort.

16 They sit in their twisted faith, stagnant, waiting for change that will never come for they never move and never love and never hope and never give and never will.

17 And never change.

18 Clamoring to tell the world around them that it is forever condemned to hell the prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster rage and wage war against all prophets but their own, and all faiths but their own, and all solutions but their own.

19 Smug in their self-validated views of all that they have shut off from themselves they do everything possible to prevent any balance in eternity,

20 For deep inside their hearts they fear that their imprisoned faith is unjust, wrong, and unfaithful to those who do not know any better.

21 Their misplaced desire to be right above all others creates a voracious animal within them that desires all things hateful, hurtful, lonesome, indifferent, and depraved,

22 And this deceitful animal within them does not wish to save the world, though they claim their faith is there for just that, for if the world were to be saved all prophecies of destruction and torment propagated by the Gospel of Disaster would prove false.

23 And in that moment they would know they wasted lifetime after lifetime buried in a bog of fear they themselves created.

24 They live each day looking forward to signs of war or whispers of war or pictures of war that prove their fatal diagnosis of humanity and the world and eternity correct.

25 And they do not see that the negative things they see and dream and hope for and predict simply cannot be,

26 For all that makes up that which is God is love, and God is everywhere all the time just as love is everywhere all the time, and love conquers all. Including deluded, depraved and depressing predictions about the fate of mankind,

27 Love conquers all.

Chapter 25

1 Do not be foolish as are the prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster, hiding from all they fear that stems directly from their unwarranted fears and terribly misinterpreted scriptures.

2 Instead, go out into each day and live to love and love to live, for in doing that you shall indeed understand love and all that comprises that which is God.

3 Embrace peace and love and hope and grace and mercy and joy, forsaking and abandoning previous instruction to be full of fear and full of all the relatives of fear.

4 And when you carry a lamp and find that you are in need of more oil, simply will it and your lamp shall be filled, never fearing whether or not a lord or master will know you,

5 For when you know love, you know the master. Therefore, do not hide your lamps nor the oil within them nor with wicks within them. Light the wick with the flame of your spirit and replenish the oil with the warmth of love,

6 For when you do so the people around you and the world around you and the eternity around you and even the depths of your very soul shall be illuminated. Such is a beacon of truth and love amongst men.

7 Never hide the light shining from your lamp, but rather hold it out with the flame turned high so that all may find their way, so that all may know and feel love, so that fear is driven from the heart of every man, and so that peace is known by all.

8 And the Gospel of Disaster would have you believe that no one knows the day or the hour that the Lord cometh again, but I say to you the Lord is already here,

9 For everything is in eternity and eternity is now.

Chapter 26

1 When Jesus finished speaking with the disciples they made a meal, broke bread and feasted together. And Jesus said to them,

2 Do not forget what I told you about the plans being formed against me. Yet, do not fear they will do so in the place where we now recline and eat. There are many people here, and though they do wish to kill me they do not wish to be that foolish about it.

3 Then into the room walked Simon with his pet leopard. And everyone at the table marveled at the beauty of the animal. It is a Siberian Snow Leopard, said Simon proudly. And Jesus said,

4 Simon, aren’t those leopards endangered? Do you think it wise to be cavorting around town, in this neighborhood, with that cat? But before Simon could answer there came a knock at the door.

5 In through the door walked two women with a large alabaster keg, and when the disciples saw it they clapped with joy. Surprise! Said Jesus. I thought it might be nice to have a few drinks together before a group of enraged Centurions nail me to some wood.

6 Then did Jesus and the disciples enjoy the contents of the alabaster keg, a fine red amber beer with the most excellent and smooth hops aftertaste.

7 By the time Jesus and the disciples had been feasting for three hours they were very nearly done with the keg. Then Pete, three full sails to the wind, asked Jesus,

8 Hey, Geezus! We ca’ get n’other keeg? Jesus saw that Pete’s cheeks were flushed, his eyes glassy and his words were slurred. Jesus laughed,

9 Pete, you have no idea how absolutely toasted you are. The very last thing you need is another keg! Jesus and the disciples raised their glasses,

10 This is the last toast, for real guys. I have to walk the streets carrying a cross tomorrow and I won’t be able to do that if I’m La Nina, La Pinta, and La Santa Maria drunk. Jesus looked around the table to each of the disciples,

11 Live to love, Jesus said.

12 Love to live, the disciples said.

13 Then when the meal was over Jesus and eleven of the disciples meandered about the streets, trying to shake the haze of alcohol that seemed to hang all about them. Then M’Tew said,

14 Hey, wherz Judes? He wuz right herz a zec-ond ago. Then Jesus said,

15 Let us go to the mount of Palmolive. It is there where I shall be given up, turned over to the scribes and Pharisees by Judes. No! The disciples yelled in unison, suddenly sober.

16 But Jesus convinced them it was necessary, saying, Look I want them to take me, okay? Do you realize that through what seems like for freakin’ ever I have been followed by crowds large and small?

17 The disciples nodded silently for they knew that what Jesus was saying was true. Teacher, we are sorry the crowds are so many.

18 That’s okay. I’m not mad or anything, I am just tired of being tired. You know? We walk all damn day and a good portion of the night. Then when we do get to a point where we can rest and eat the crowds are always there asking for this and that.

19 I can’t even use the bathroom without someone in the crowd trying to follow me, which is actually the reason why we spend so much time on the boat. The crowds can’t really get to us there in the water, and most of them can’t swim.

20 Anyways, I came here to remind you all of things that a lot of people seem to have forgotten for one reason or another, and I picked you guys to take what I told you all over the world. You can do it.

21 Then did Jesus and the disciples see the lit torches of soldiers with drawn swords and a sizable crowd drawing near. With the crowd were the scribes and the Pharisees who had been angered by Jesus’ preaching of the Tenement Gospel.

22 Then the crowd stopped and for a moment all was quiet save for the crackling sounds of the flames on the torches. Then one man moved. It was Judes. He moved toward Jesus, but before he could issue a kiss of greeting Jesus rabbit punched him right in the nose.

23 What the hell did you do that for? Judes yelled from the ground as he writhed in pain. Jesus smiled, saying,

24 I have read this story before, shitheel. I know how it goes, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let a little gingivitis mouth fucker like you kiss me on the cheek. Hell, I wouldn’t let you kiss my ass.

25 Then the crowd of soldiers and scribes and Pharisees fell upon Jesus like a pack of wild dogs on a bone, beating him and tearing his clothing.

26 Then the crowd dragged Jesus into the temple where they set up a mock court, for it was not a real court as they already knew they were going to put him to death.

27 And while the soldiers and scribes and Pharisees had locked Jesus away in the temple, some of them went in search of criminals willing to bear false witness against Jesus.

28 Finally, two criminals stepped forward to lie about the messages Jesus taught the masses. The first criminal testified that Jesus showed the crowds in Capernaum how to build pipe bombs with olive oil and goat cheese.

29 The second criminal testified that he saw Jesus toss six illegally caught lobsters into a hiding place when he noticed Fish and Game Wardens approaching the boat he and the disciples were on.

30 Objection! Shouted Jesus who was serving as his own attorney. We don’t have either Fish and Game Wardens or lobsters in this part of the world!

31 Silence in the temple! Shouted the head Pharisee who was acting as the judge. He pounded his desk with his gavel and then pointed it at Jesus, No more rubbish from you, aye mate?

32 Are you kidding me? Jesus jumped up from his chair. A Centurion shoved him back into his seat.

33 Silence! Silence! Shouted the Pharisee judge, pounding his gavel so hard that the sound hurt Jesus’ ears. He pointed the gavel at Jesus and shouted, One more outburst from you, young man, and I’ll find you in contempt of temple!

34 Really? What are you gonna do? Taunted Jesus. Are you Gonna put me on a cross and crucify me? To late for that buddy, that ones already in the works!

35 Silence him! The Pharisee judge shouted and the Centurion hit Jesus on the head with the edge of his shield.

36 What the hell was that for? Jesus shouted in pain. Who does that? Really!

Chapter 27

1 Then the next morning Jesus was gathered together in front of the jailer’s house with two other criminals in the small courtyard where the slaves accused of theft and drunkenness were whipped before being sent away in their shame.

2 The jailer looked crossly at the three men before him. Momentarily he paused, lit a cigarette and then resumed his pacing in front of the three men. He stopped and spun around on his heel.

3 Pick a number, the jailer said to the three men before him. Hurry, he said, I want to get back to girlfriends, Jacuzzi, and booze. You! He pointed to the first criminal. Pick a number!

4 Three! The criminal said. You! The jailer pointed to the second criminal. Pick a number!

5 Three! The criminal said. The jailer frowned, You can’t pick the same number as the other guy, alright? You have to pick a different number. Pick a number.

6 Three! The criminal said. Seriously? Yelled the enraged jailer. Just pick a goddamn different number, fuck!

7 Geeze, said the criminal, I was only joking. You gotta get a better sense of humor, dude. I’ll take a seven. Cool beans?

8 The jailer turned to Jesus to tell him to pick a number, but the words froze on his lips. He looked at Jesus whose eyes seemed to bulge from their sockets.

9 What’s wrong with him? Asked the jailer. Is he sick? Do he got narcolepsy, or some shit?

10 I think you mean epilepsy, asshole, said one of the criminals. Suddenly one of the soldiers shrieked, threw his helmet to the ground, and ran about in circles, waving his arms above his head.

11 The other soldiers looked confused and the captain of the guard stepped forward to control the situation. That was when he saw Jesus’ face which had swollen about ten times bigger than it should have been,

12 And on Jesus’ left cheek, just below the tear drop tattoo, the captain of the guard saw it: a small, orange and black, stinger stuck in Jesus’ cheek. He turned to tell his guard to stand still since everyone knew that bees only bug you if you bug them.

13 Then shrieks filled the courtyard. The captain of the guard turned and saw the ranks of soldiers had scattered leaving helmets, shields, short swords, long swords, and spears haphazardly littering the ground.

14 Then the captain of the guard became aware of the buzzing, vibrating sound and the slightly blurry look to the air around him. He realized what was happening. It wasn’t just one bee. It was a swarm. Bees! Bees, bees, bees!!! Bees!!

15 The captain of the guard suddenly appeared to do a strange tap dance, throwing his spear down, abandoning his shield and waving his hands about his head as he ran in ever widening circles in the courtyard.

16 By this time the jailer and the two criminals who had been brought out with Jesus were also running about the courtyard in an age old ritual of trying to run from that which you do not see, but are incredibly afraid of.

17 Only one figure was not running about the courtyard. Actually, that figure was not even moving at all. It was Jesus. He lay sprawled on the ground, face swollen to the size of Mars, his neck looking like an inner tube inflated nearly to bursting point.

18 His lips had swollen and distended in platypus style, his fingers were inflated to Ball Park Frank measurements, and his feet were so swelled it looked like large pillows were stuffed into a pair of sandals that were screaming for mercy.

19 The whole ordeal couldn’t have lasted more than five to ten minutes, but that was more than enough time for it to be way too late to seek any type of medical assistance for Jesus.

20 The soldiers, captain of the guard, jailer, and the two criminals who had been brought out with Jesus all stared down in silence at Jesus. The governor is supposed to be here in an hour, said one of the soldiers.

21 The jailer’s face had taken on a sick, pale look, and he said, We are so fucked.

22 The captain of the guard swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing, What are we going to do? He asked.

23 We have an idea, said the two criminals. Make it a good one and you are both free men, said the captain of the guard.

24 Quickly, the two criminals relayed their plan. The captain of the guard allowed hope to creep into his heart. Yes. It could work. It had to work.

25 Six hours later the governor arrived at the place called Bologtha, which means Place of a Sandwich, and stood before a cross on which a small plaque had been haphazardly nailed. The sign read: Out to Lunch.

26 The governor looked at the captain of the guard reproachfully. I apologize, sir, said the captain of the guard. We thought it to be marginally funny. I will change it right away.

27 The governor waved off the captain of the guard’s comment, Ah! Don’t worry about it. I’ve had a rough day. Big pile-up on the freeway. Six wagons, a couple of sheep, two overturned oxen carts…I tell you I didn’t know I would ever get here today, let alone in one peace. I hope you didn’t have to wait to long before deciding to proceed.

28 No, sir. The weather was foul and the people seemed to have lost interest in the crucifixions once the word spread around that the Doppler picked up a hailstorm moving in.

29 So, this is the guy, huh? This is Jesus? Asked the governor as he looked at the lifeless body on the cross. He seemed to be contemplating something about the body, and the captain of the guard, watching out of his peripheral vision, felt his pulse quicken with fear. Then fate stepped in and it began to hail.

30 The governor still stood in front of the cross for a moment more, saying, I thought Jesus was thinner. And didn’t he have lighter hair? Thinking quickly the captain of the guard said,

31 Oh, uh, he had been giving the jailer lip so he, uh, smacked Jesus around a bit. You know, to shut him up. Then, uh, Jesus was making cracks at one of the other, uh, soldier’s hair color. So, uh, we put all kinds of stuff in his hair to change the color of it.

32 Then, continued the captain of the guard, We were roughin’ him up pretty good and he swelled, uh, he swelled up.

33 The captain of the guard felt fear begin to swell in his chest. The governor sensed something wrong. He must have.

34 That was when it started to hail golf ball sized hail in earnest and the governor forgot all about what he wanted to ask in regards to why Jesus really didn’t look very much like Jesus.

35 Two weeks later on the Yucatan Peninsula, on a beautiful white sand beach that was dotted with palatial cabanas, Jesus and the remaining eleven disciples breathed in the crisp, clean air that always seemed to hold the most perfect tangy scent of sea salt.

36 Dude, Jesus, said Mufasa, We are so lucky that the jailer and the captain of the guard thought you were dead. Hell, we all thought you were dead!

37 Yeah, said Jesus, I think even I thought I was dead. It worked out pretty good though. If they hadn’t thought I was dead they never would have released my body to you.

38 So, you wuz an’ eh comb? Pete slurred his question as he had already downed six good sized Pina Coladas.

39 Not a comb, pebble brains, said Carlos, A coma. That’s why they thought Jesus was dead. Don’t you see? The bee stung Jesus and he is allergic to the venom, apparently. He went into shock and his breathing got shallow and his pulse got faint.

40 Yup, said Jesus, And making it even better was the fact that a swarm was moving through, a big swarm. It was so distracting, right? I mean, if there hadn’t been a swarm they probably would have been calm enough to figure out I was still alive.

41 So, they put Judes up on the cross? Asked Koresh.

42 Yeah, said Jesus. I have to admit that was pretty quick thinking on the part of those two criminals. I guess Judes was hanging around the jail ‘cause he supposedly felt guilty about turning me in, the little fucker.

43 Anyways, Jesus continued, The governor was supposed to be there for the crucifixion ceremonies, which would have taken place about an hour after my supposed demise. The condemned are not to be put to death until his say so.

44 Ahh, I understand things now, said Koresh. They took Judes, who was probably slobbering drunk and feelin’ good an’ sorry for himself, put him in Jesus’ clothes, roughed him up real good and went right on ahead of schedule with the crucifixion;

45 They were damned lucky that the governor had such a bad day of travel. Eight hours late, he was. Really, what are the odds? And that even gave them enough time to make sure stories matched where they should be matching,

46 I mean, can you imagine if the governor had been on time?

47 But he wasn’t, Koresh, said Mufasa. Even the weather cooperated, right? I mean, when do so many things that are needed actually fall right in line without so much as a blip? Jaime leaned back in his chair, belched, and then said,

48 Who cares? Everything went our way, well, except for Jesus almost dying. I mean, the weather was shitty so there were not as many crowds out to even notice that the guy who was supposed to be Jesus looked just a little different;

49 Add that to the fact that no one even questioned the captain of the guard for starting a half hour early since they thought he had to make that decision due to the weather. Other than us no one outside of the jailer, the captain of the guard and his soldiers, and the two criminals know anything. Jesus smiled and lifted his glass,

50 And we twelve, we are the only ones who know that I did not die. I will miss my homeland, but I will not miss the crowds. And, with beaches and babes and all kinds of endless beauty surrounding us…well…I think we will do just fine. Gentlemen, to redemption!

51 Redemption! Said the remaining eleven disciples together as they raised their glasses.

The Book of Mac Daddy

Chapter 1

1 This is the story of the Tenement Gospel according to Jesus Christ. You can read along in your book. You will know it is time to turn the page when you hear a monstrous clapping sound and are struck by lightning.

2 Now, if this particular story were a musical score each character would be represented by a particular instrument: Jesus by the lazy bumble bee hum of a kazoo, Pete by the twing-twang of a Kentucky banjo, Juan by the explosive echo of a fart,

3 Jaime by the vibrato of a belch, Mac Daddy by the steel drums, Judes by the metal triangle, Koresh by the skin flute, Mufasa by the coach’s whistle, Carlos by the corn cob piccolo, M’Tew by the pots and pans cymbals,

4 Lou by the hollow sound of an empty moonshine jug, J-Dog by the ding-dong of a doorbell, and Webster by nails on a chalkboard.

5 Luckily, this is not that kind of story so we won’t be subjected to what would in all likeliness be an incredibly horrific sound.

6 So, a mega long time ago this shittingly fragrant guy named Juan the Baptist who was a moon-shiner by trade, was charged with preparing his city for when Jesus would be dropping by. This plan did not work out well as Juan became slobbering drunk at a wedding feast, decided to go for a walk, and became lost in the desert.

7 For three days Juan’s friends and family looked for him and eventually found him meandering around the wilderness, crying out, What the hell did I do with my goddamn compass?

8 When Juan came back to the city he began to preach the Tenement Gospel to anyone who would hear, which actually turned out to be about three people.

9 And Juan was clothed in the garb of the homeless, his socks and underwear more than capable of standing up and jumping hurtles all on their own.

10 Juan preached, If there is any man who smells stronger than me let him speak now or forever hold his nose. I baptize you with the water I should be using to wash my filthy body, but he shall baptize you with Starbucks.

11 And wouldn’t you know it, but Jesus came to Juan and brought him a venti chai tea latte, extra hot, no water, and six pumps of chai all made with whole milk.

12 So, Juan baptized Jesus and in the process Jesus grabbed Juan by the lapels and dragged him down into the water with him.

13 As soon as they came up out of the water the air was cleared as the force field of dirt covering Juan fell down around him. And some disembodied voice from the sky said to Jesus,

14 Thank you for doing that, Jesus. I am well pleased as this mutha was getting pretty damn stinky.

15 And Jesus asked, What did I win? And God said,

16 You have just won a beautiful vacation in a desert in the middle of nowhere for forty days and forty nights during which Satan will ask you a whole bunch of trick questions.

17 And Jesus said, Can’t I just take the cash value of the trip?

18 But before Jesus had even finished his question God had already zapped him through a wormhole to the desert.

19 After eating a large amount of peyote that he thought was simply shrooms Jesus was quite sure that the wild animals and the angels were talking to him and giving him advice on his financial portfolio. Satan completely forgot about the appointment and never showed up.

20 During the time Jesus was trippin’ in the desert Juan the Baptist had been arrested for disturbing the peace and reckless endangerment for operating a chariot while under the influence of religion.

21 When Jesus finally made it back to the city he began to preach and teach the Tenement Gospel to all the people, saying,

22 Times up! Pencils down! The kingdom of God does not and cannot draw near because it is already here. Open your eyes and your hearts and live in the abundance you were intended to live in.

23 Then Jesus went past the public pier at the Sea of Galilee and spotted Pete and Juan doing trash pick-up with a couple of Sheriffs watching.

24 And Jesus said to them, Quick! The sheriffs are not watching! Come with me if you want to live.

25 And Pete and Juan did as Jesus had instructed them, paying no mind to the fact that their sentence of community service just turned into an extended jail term.

26 Walking along with Jesus they came upon Jaime and Mac Daddy trying to steal the shiny, low-rider rims from a horse cart.

27 And Jesus said to them, Quick! Your neighbor just called the cops! Come with me if you want to stay out of jail.

28 Sticking to this particular plan of action Jesus picked twelve men for his motorcycle club, and when he was finished suckering people into following him he walked into the temple meaning to pick a fight with the scribes and Pharisees.

29 Immediately upon entering the temple a man who was a Pharisee whom Jesus had earlier beaten for looking at him wrong cried out in terror, saying,

30 What’d I do? What’d I do? And Jesus said,

31 You know what you did, you prick. Now shut the hell up! The big people are talking. And the scribes and Pharisees were very angry with Jesus for they were not in the least bit familiar with people treating them in such a manner. It was always vice versa.

32 And Jesus preached the Tenement Gospel in the temple, but the scribes and Pharisees did not stop him for they were afraid of him since he showed no fear in their presence.

33 After Jesus had left that place he walked to another city and preached to them and gave them free healthcare and satellite television.

34 Then in the projects of Capernaum a man approached Jesus and said, Lord, I am addicted to crack. Please heal me!

35 As you wish, said Jesus as he hit the man exceedingly hard in the face. The man fell to the ground in pain and asked Jesus why he had done that. And Jesus said,

36 You asked for help, so I helped you by knocking some sense into you.

37 And the man’s face lit with joy for he did feel smarter.

38 And the healed crack addict traveled far and wide, telling everyone of his miracle healing while buying small baggies of crystal meth to smoke.

Chapter 2

1 Then Jesus went to the city of Ephedra to his pal’s home. Word spread quickly through the city that Jesus was in the house and massive crowds very quickly surged to where Jesus was.

2 And while Jesus was preaching to the crowds a paralyzed man was catapulted through a bay window since there was no other way in. And Jesus said,

3 Nice. Real nice, fellas. So I guess you thought you were being slick by getting him in this way, huh?

4 Please, Jesus, pleaded the man’s friends, Heal our friend of his condition.

5 Then Jesus said to them, Your friend no longer has a condition. He’s dead, you assholes! You can’t just catapult a guy, a paralyzed guy at that, through a bay window and expect him to live. Who does that?

6 And the men marveled at the wisdom with which Jesus spoke.

7 See this situation here today and know that this is exactly what happens when you are so used to letting people think for you. After a while you not only forget about thinking for yourself, but whatever it is you do end up thinking it isn’t very legit.

8 A scribe and a Pharisee who were sitting nearby leapt to their feet and shouted at Jesus, How can you say such blasphemy? We are the one to think for the people as they do not have the gumption to do so for themselves!

9 Jesus rebuked them saying, Of course they can think for themselves! And the more they realize this the better they will get with their decision making. For generations you have lied to them telling them they cannot think or do much on their own.

10 And the scribes and Pharisees were angry for they knew that their time of controlling the minds of men was drawing to a close.

11 Later that day Jesus and his disciples barbecued in Pete’s backyard. And the scribes and Pharisees saw this and asked Jesus, Why do you communicate with such men? Have you not looked at the clothes they wear and the things that they do?

12 And Jesus said, Vipers and whores of the Gospel of Disaster! How dare you speak of these men in such a manner! What they wear and what they do have absolutely dick to do with the good men that they are,

13 But, ya’ll fuckers wouldn’t know this because you have little black hearts and cannot see past the dark desires of your own lust for power.

14 The Pharisees asked Jesus why he was not fasting, and Jesus said, Well, that would be because I am hungry, you dig? Isn’t that the general idea when it comes to eating? If I had wanted to fast I would have gotten into a car.

15 And a while later Jesus and the disciples were walking through the fields and began to pick carrots and sugar beets and ate them. And the Pharisees were angry, saying,

16 You are doing work! Why are you doing work when it is the Sabbath and ain’t no one supposed to be workin’? For this is the law of what we believe. And Jesus said,

17 Good for fuckin’ you, then. Go right on ahead and follow your own rules and don’t bother me about following through with your stupid little ceremonies, because they are your beliefs and not mine,

18 For a man does not live his life to be pleasing to others or to yield to their supposed religious authority. Each man must live to find and experience the pleasing joy in his own heart according to his own will.

Chapter 3

1 After some time Jesus took to roaming the streets, extorting from whomever he could, and collecting dues from the dealers that worked the corners in his tenement neighborhood. And he came upon a young child with a withered, fucked up hand.

2 The scribes and Pharisees watched Jesus closely thinking that should they catch him using black magic they could have him arrested.

3 And Jesus said to the child with the withered hand, That is exactly what you get for playing video games for six straight days. And the child said,

4 Lord, heal me of my affliction. And Jesus said,

5 Why? So you can go back home and wither it again playing freakin’ Warcraft for a month? Screw that. You were stupid enough to play for that long so now you can deal with the consequences. Get the hell out of my face.

6 The Pharisees said to Jesus, How is it that you found this child unworthy of healing? You have healed oodles of other people. What makes this kid different? And Jesus said,

7 You know what? Not three seconds ago you were thinking of how much you would like to see me perform a miracle so you could accuse me of using black magic. Now you are trying to dog me for not healing some asshole kid who doesn’t deserve it.

8 No one can win for losin’ with you assholes! So, shut the fuck up, sneered Jesus. Ya’ll always want things your way, right away. And when you see your can’t have something one way you go about trying to get it the other way. That will not work.

9 Then Jesus and his disciples boarded a jet plane and flew to a neighboring city for the time of the Marti Gras celebration, but when Jesus deplaned and saw the paparazzi and the swarming crowds he knew that his celebration wouldn’t be that fun,

10 For the crowds that followed and sought out Jesus were in constant need of some miracle or other and hunted Jesus down with amazing precision. So, Jesus always ended up preaching and giving them free healthcare.

11 Then did Jesus give to the disciples the authority to preach the Tenement Gospel and the authority to heal. This way at least a little pressure was taken off of Jesus.

12 And Jesus became close with his disciples and gave them all nicknames according to their personal habits: Webster reminded Jesus of his favorite baseball player so he called him ‘Mookie’, J-Dog was a voyeur so he called him ‘Lookie’,

13 Lou was constantly stepping in the shit of some animal or other so he called him ‘Dookie’, M’Tew was always screwing around with any number of women so he was called ‘Nookie’,

14 Carlos never wiped his ass very well and as a result always smelled like shit so he was called ‘Poopy’, Mufasa loved to smoke anything he could jam into his bong and so he was called ‘Toekie’, Koresh was as insane as a person could get so he was called ‘Loopy’,

15 Jaime always came across like he was just born yesterday and didn’t know what the hell was going on so he was called ‘Stoopie’, Judes usually had some kind of suspicious plan up his sleeve and he was called ‘Sneaky’,

16 Mac Daddy had urethra issues and didn’t always make it to the bathroom in time so he was called ‘Leaky’, Juan was constantly cracking off farts like a fourth of July celebration and he was called ‘Stinky’, and Pete loved to smoke mow so he was called ‘Doobie’.

17 The scribes and the Pharisees had taken to accusing Jesus of using black magic to heal people and give them free healthcare. And Jesus said to them,

18 Why don’t you tell me how that works, ‘aight? Because black magic is indicative of using power to do bad things. I do good things with power, like healing people. Explain that to me,

19 For verily I say unto you that your line of thinking is about as stupid and ridiculous as trying to start a campfire under water.

20 And behold, have you ever heard of a thief who breaks into a home to place money in it or jewels in it? Of course not! Because he is a thief; thieves take things, not give them.

21 So it is the same with the magical powers of the universe. If it is black magic then it is harmful and hurtful. If it is white magic then it is compassionate and healing and giving.

19 But the scribes and Pharisees could not explain their claim because they knew they were wrong and making no goddamn sense whatsoever with their accusations.

Chapter 4

1 Then Jesus instructed his disciples to take him on a boat a short ways from the shore, for he wanted to preach to the crowds the Tenement Gospel without having the crowds press upon him like he was a member of the Beatles.

2 And Jesus found it amusing to speak to the crowds in a manner that was circular in reasoning and difficult to understand, for the looks of confusion on their faces was absolutely priceless.

3 And Jesus said, Behold, a blackjack dealer went out to deal blackjack, and as he dealt the cards some fell off of the table. The floor supervisor who kept having to come over and pick up the cards asked the dealer where the hell they had learned how to deal.

4 As the dealer dealt it became clear that he did not possess very good math skills, for he kept having trouble paying the blackjacks which have a payout of three to two. Then when it was time for the hand shuffle the dealer messed that up as well,

5 For the double deck shuffle he was supposed to do was plug, strip, riffle, riffle, strip, riffle, riffle, riffle, and not plug, riffle, riffle, strip, strip, riffle, riffle, riffle, strip, riffle, riffle.

6 When it was time for the table to close the  floor supervisor discovered that the rack was short by ten thousand dollars, and he had to sit there an extra twenty minutes in order to evenly spread the missing money amongst the players who had played at that table.

7 He who has ears to be hearin’ what I’m saying but doesn’t wish to be bothered right now, you may pick up the video notes for this sermon for two silver pieces down at the video store or local GaulMart.

8 When Jesus and the disciples had left the crowd his disciples asked him, Lord, what in the name of Sam Hill did that sermon mean? Blackjack dealers and bad card shuffles and missing money? That makes zero sense.

9 I know, said Jesus, I am just trying to prove a point that when people think you are holy or think you have the answers to everything they will take whatever you say and make some kind of religious correlation with it. Watch, it will be in the morning paper.

10 The next morning the disciples awoke early and waited for the paperboy. After receiving the morning edition of ‘The Nazareth Nonsense’, the disciples ran with it to the breakfast table and read it while they drank their coffee.

11 Listen to this, said Mufasa, This headline reads ‘Son of God Confirms Gambling is Evil’. It says that Jesus of Nazareth ordered all Christian followers that in order to show their true faith they must stay away from blackjack dealers, or else they may find their eternal salvation in jeopardy.

12 Jesus never said anything even remotely similar to that, said Koresh.

13 Then Carlos said, Holy crap! You were totally right, Jesus. They did take what you said and twisted it into something completely and totally irrelevant. And Jesus said,

14 And this is the lesson I have for you, my disciples, to not be fooled or swayed into thinking it is okay and a good idea to ascribe bullshit meanings to anything I have to say or anything that I do,

15 For the Gospel of Disaster states to their prisoners to be wary of false prophets who take the words of God and meld them into something terrible and suppressive.

16 Yet what they fail to realize is that their own faith and interpretations of what God has said are rife with misunderstandings, misquotes, and straight up lies.

17 In effect, they should be warning everyone about themselves and their inconsistent fundamentalist ravings that inevitably piss people off and start problems.

18 This is how they are able to maintain such a powerful hold on their congregations…through fear and misinterpreted religious text. Of course, first they get people to trust them, you know?

19 They set up cutesy little meetings and build gi-normous, palatial churches and they tell people exactly what they want to hear. Then on top of that they serve up their prisoners with a good, heaping helping of self-righteousness mixed with a little cockiness,

20 For they continually tell themselves that they have the one and only correct answer and solution to all bad things in the universe. But it is all crap. Their entire interpretation of salvation is built on saving your ass from eternal damnation. Stupid.

21 Nothing good ever comes with building something on fear.

22 But those who would preach the Gospel of Disaster find great joy in the control they garner over the prisoners of their faith, and they continually feed the fear they have created by saying,

23 Lo! It is written that should you converse with people who do not believe in a specific God of a specific faith you shall be contaminated. And if you listen to the music of unbelievers and dress as they do and participate in recreation as they do then you are lost to God.

24 But all of these things are lies told to people with searching, but weak hearts. And people believe it for they do not know any better and they truly think they are being servants of God when that simply is not the case,

25 For they are only being servants to the fear of dying eternal death. They do not understand the lie of eternal death.

Chapter 5

1 Then did Jesus continue to preach the Tenement Gospel to the crowds as they followed him, saying,

2 Blessed are those seers and sorcerers that do not charge for rendering their gift, for this is exactly how you will know the fake ones from the real ones,

3 And never believe a psychic who claims to have predicted many terrible things that have happened, for if they really knew something before hand they would try a lot harder to prevent bad shit from happening to good people.

4 Blessed is the television remote control, for sometimes it is just not worth the effort to peel your ass off the couch and change the channel manually.

5 Verily I say unto you that you should not mix your beer and liquors when you party, for if you do you will be praying to the porcelain God for at least an entire day.

6 Behold, the parent who instructs their children to not hit each other lest they be hit by their parent is a hypocrite.

7 Know that it is written that when store isles are crowded during the holidays and you must get to a product you must break wind in that isle, wait for it to be rid of the screaming, gagging customers, and then go and get whatever it is you need.

8 And blessed is the woman who does not try to speak any amount of sense into a man, for she knows that a man isn’t going to listen anyways, so why waste the breath and the calories on a wasted effort?

9 Never be so wise as to outsmart yourself, for then you will appear to all others as a complete and total jackass.

10 Verily I say unto you that if you are wise you will listen to those little gut feelings you get from time to time, for the moment that you don’t listen is the moment something really screwy happens and you regret not listening to yourself.

11 Behold, when the Mega Lotto is worth one hundred million dollars or more you can bet that some little old blue haired lady from Arizona will probably be the one to win it.

12 Blessed is the man who has no kids and no friends for then he can always walk about his house in his underwear.

13 Verily I say unto you that when you are watching a hack ‘em up movie where twelve friends go into a possessed forest to camp, not only will their cell phones not work, their GPS not work, their weapons not work, their hiding places not work,

14 The traps that they build for the bad guy not work, and trying to talk the bad guy out of whatever he is doing not work, but only two of the original twelve will survive the trip. And yes, the cops always arrive right as the survivors kill the bad guy or right after.

15 Behold, know that there is nothing wrong with a woman being in love with another woman. Just know that some women are every bit as bad, if not worse, than men who are players and consistently break heart after heart.

16 Blessed are year-round schools, for most parents cannot handle their children having three straight months off in the summertime.

17 And understand that whether or not a man believes he has something or nothing at all, he has everything… as do all men.

18 The kingdom of God is like a shoe shop, for it has lots and lots of souls.

19 The Gospel of Disaster is like an illegal sweatshop, for it will scare you to death, work you to death, and never pay you what it promised in return for your efforts.

20 Verily I say unto you that an abuser of drugs is an abuser of self who will only find out the hard way that they could have done something much better with their life.

21 Behold, A Tisket A Tasket was the first big hit for jazz queen Ella Fitzgerald who, in my opinion, sang the absolutely best version of the song ‘Stars Fell on Alabama Last Night’.

22 Blessed are tailgate parties, for even though you are not at the game, you are at the game.

23 He who has ears to hear, big whoop. Lots of people have ears to hear with.

24 Verily I say unto you that the seed of the marijuana plant is of the most coveted on earth, for when it is sewn and then becomes a great plant it shall be viewed as the greatest of all herbs as it soothes the soul of every savage beast.

Chapter 6

1 Then did Jesus and his disciples pass from that area and into the barrios of Nazareth in order that they might teach and preach the Tenement Gospel there.

2 And as Jesus stopped by a mini-mart for some coffee he was approached by a bum who was obviously possessed. And Jesus asked that which dwelt inside the man, Who are you?

3 And that which dwelt inside the man said, Sybil is my name since I am many. Jesus then commanded the evil spirits to leave the bum, and when the spirits did so Jesus sent them into a group of politicians that were loitering nearby.

4 Then Jesus continued to preach the Tenement Gospel and to heal the sick and injured by giving them free healthcare. And all the people were amazed at Jesus’ wisdom and his compassion and willingness to heal everyone without HMO fees or other hidden costs.

5 And behold, there were people who entreated Jesus to heal them and to make them rich, but Jesus told them, I cannot for you do not believe, for in order to be healed and to be wealthy you must first believe that it is done. You do not believe so.

6 Jesus then informed the disciples that when people asked them about the Tenement Gospel they were to immediately tell that person everything,

7 But if a person did not ask to hear the Tenement Gospel the disciples were not to tell them about anything, for proselytizing salesmen who feel the need to cram their jumbalaya down the throats of all they cross are worse than annoying.

8 And Jesus and the disciples found it necessary to take a boat to the next city for the crowds following them made their travel upon land somewhat difficult.

9 Then during the night as the boat moved upon the waters there came a violent storm, and the disciples were scared little chicken shits and went to Jesus who was sleeping and said,

10 What the hell is wrong with you? Do you not see that a violent storm rages? And Jesus said,

11 What do you think this is? The prefect storm? Hurricane Katrina? You bunch of pussies go back to sleep! I have been healing the sick and raising the dead, do you think I am going to let you die in a storm? Go away, you bother me!

12 And the disciples felt silly for bothering Jesus about something so menial, well that and the fact that Jesus called them pussies.

13 When their boat landed Jesus and the disciples made ready to leave the boat and preach the Tenement Gospel to the people, but the Port Customs inspectors held them onboard for an extra three hours while they searched for pot that was rumored to be onboard.

14 But after they found nothing they left Jesus and his disciples to their own devices.

15 After the Port Customs inspectors had left Mufasa turned to Jesus and asked him where he had hidden the seventeen pounds of mow they had purchased at the previous town. And Jesus said,

16 In the barrels of fish, see? I put the mow in these super duty plastic zip-baggies that can be attached to a vacuum cleaner for easier storage, and then pushed them into the barrel. I knew they wouldn’t look there.

Chapter 7

1 When the scribes and Pharisees heard that Jesus and his disciples were in town they gathered together and went out to see them with the express intent of starting trouble.

2 Arriving at the barbecue that one of the citizens was throwing for Jesus and his disciples, the scribes and Pharisees joined the party and saw that Jesus and his disciples were eating many different meats and drinking many different drinks.

3 And a Pharisee approached Jesus and asked, Do you not know that it is forbidden to eat of so many different types of meats and drink of drinks that are stronger than wine?

4 Jesus turned to the Pharisee and said, If you wish to live by such constrictions, then by all means feel free. Go on and knock your bad self out. Just don’t expect all other people to do what you do.

5 And a scribe approached Jesus and said, Is it not required by our faith? And Jesus said,

6 It is required by your faith, not mine. I may eat whatever I wish to eat and drink whatever I wish to drink for my salvation or the salvation of others does not hinge upon those things I put into my body for sustenance.

7 And the Pharisee challenged, Then how will men know that you are of God if you eat as the Gentiles eat? And Jesus said,

8 I could give a monkey shit what other people think about me or my connection with God. That is between me and God and none of their business whatsoever. Developing strange customs and special rules and regulations does not make someone a man of God,

9 For anyone with half a brain will know a man of God by the content of his heart and in the way he treats himself and others. Customs, clothes, rules, and regulations do not make the man holy no matter how you twist your scriptures to say so.

10 And the scribes and Pharisees were angry with Jesus for they knew he was right. And they left the place where Jesus and his disciples were, plotting amongst themselves that they may find a way to destroy Jesus.

11 Back at the barbecue Jesus was teaching the Tenement Gospel to those who would hear, saying,

12 It has been written that there will be men who claim to know the mind of God and claim to know the practices of God, but I say to you that each man will know God according to how God moves in his own heart.

13 Some men believe that in order for them to be considered godly they must practice things that other men do not, or they believe they must not do things that other men do in order that they look different than others.

14 This is truly false judgment, for appearances mean absolutely dick when it comes to revealing whether or not a man is truly a man of God.

15 But the proponents of the Gospel of Disaster point to those around them whom they do not like and they say, Look at that man who does not do this, and look at that man who does that.

16 The prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster are lost in their own drive to find that appearance which suits them best. They do not see themselves for the assholes and idiots that they are.

17 For any man who judges another before first looking at the content of the man’s heart is a mutha sucka who don’t be deserving the time of your day.

18 And these same men tell you to forsake the traditions of men and pick up the traditions of the commandments of God, but this is wrong,

19 For the same men who tell you to pick up the commandments of God are the same men who are the ones interpreting what they think the commandments of God are, and that is a rather huge conflict of interest.

20 Blessed is the man who knows that it is the overindulgence of a man that stands to destroy and defile him, and this is for any practice or tradition or action, yea, even the overindulgence of religion taken to unhealthy and divisionary lengths.

21 And should a man desire to quell his overindulgence and resituate his heart all he needs to do is open his mind and open his heart fully to everything around him that is God and of God and for God and to God, yea even the God in himself,

22 And then in doing so shall the wickedness of a selfish mind and stingy heart be dispelled from all that he is, and from all that he does, and from all that he desires, and from all that he receives, yea even from all that he gives.

Chapter 8

1 Then did Jesus leave that city and hitchhike with his disciples down the Ephesus Turnpike and Toll Road to the city of Halfacapapopulous where great crowds met Jesus.

2 And Jesus did minister to the crowds there for many long hours and preached the Tenement Gospel. Then did the disciples say to Jesus,

3 Lord, night time is coming on and the crowds have not yet eaten. Should we tell them to sit and wait for you to split three bread rolls and a handful of sardines between six thousand people? And Jesus said,

4 What the fuck do I look like, a fuckin’ travel along restaurant? You want me to whip out my magical supermarket and barbecue grill? What the hell, man! These people walked all the way the fuck out here and didn’t bring any fuckin’ thing to eat?

5 Whoa! Jesus, man! Dude, calm down! Said Mufasa handing Jesus a nice, fat doobie. Smoke this, man, said Mufasa. And Jesus inhaled deeply of the blessed mow in the roll before him,

6 And in just a few minutes Jesus was far happier than he had been in minutes. Then, his anger over the freeloading crowds long forgotten in a haze of the tangy smell of the mow, Jesus smiled broadly and said,

7 I’m hungry, man. Let’s eat. And before the seated people of the crowd appeared Fritos, Cheesepuffs, chocolate and peanut butter candies, soda pop, string cheese, Smarties candies, Hot Pockets, and Capri Sun drinks.

8 And the people ate and were satisfied even though the meal was not particularly nutritious.

9 Then did Jesus and the disciples leave the crowds as they were eating for they were sick and tired of picking up the messes that the crowds inevitably left behind every time they ate a meal.

10 A while later, Jesus and his disciples were at the racetrack in Capernaum, betting on horse number three that had the name of Boot Scootin’ Boogie.

11 When the scribes and the Pharisees heard Jesus was at the track they went there with the intentions of pissing Jesus off and tricking him into showing them a sign of the magical powers he possessed knowledge of.

12 But the scribes and Pharisees were disappointed with their venture to find Jesus at the track, for by the time they got there Jesus’ horse had already raced and won, and shortly after Jesus and his disciples had left the race track.

13 It took some skill and some good old fashioned Sherlock Holmes luck, but the scribes and Pharisees finally tracked Jesus and his disciples down at the Dave and Buster’s in the town of Dexatrimopopulous.

14 And the scribes and Pharisees saw Jesus playing Guitar Hero and totally smoking everyone he played against. Trying to goad Jesus into using some of his magic to give them a sign they said to him,

15 Ah, Jesus, using a little of your magic there to beat everyone, huh? We thought you were only supposed to use your magic for good things in order for it to still be considered White Magic? And Jesus said,

16 I don’t need magic of any kind to beat anyone at this game. I totally rule at this game and I won the championship for Guitar Hero just last month in Las Vegas. Here, watch this. Then Jesus proceeded to play faster than anyone ever had before.

17 Three and a half hours later Jesus, the disciples, the scribes, and the Pharisees were ushered out of the Dave and Buster’s by the manager as it was closing time.

18 The scribes and Pharisees looked forlorn for every attempt they had made to trick Jesus into giving them a sign had failed.

19 Looking at the forlorn faces of the scribes and Pharisees made Jesus smile, and he walked up to them, saying, Look guys, I know you have been trying like hell to get me to show you a sign. So, I have decided to give you one.

20 The scribes and Pharisees looked at Jesus with something very much like gratitude, and said, Really?

21 Yes, said Jesus as he handed the head Pharisee a large poster board.

22 The head Pharisee asked Jesus, What is this?

23 And Jesus said, Behold, this is your sign, asshole! Then Jesus and the disciples sped away in their taxis, shrieking laughter. Koresh was sitting next to Jesus in his cab and asked Jesus what the sign had said. Jesus responded,

24 It said ‘losers’.

Chapter 9

1 Sometime later Jesus and the disciples were passing around a mega-sized doobie with especially good mow while they were walking in the projects of  Decapapopulous, and Mufasa asked Jesus who his favorite superhero or supervillan was and Jesus said,

2 Verily I say unto you, that’s hard to say because I like so many of them. I absolutely adore Wonder Woman, I mean…who doesn’t? The woman is freakin’ hot! Then there is the Incredible Hulk, you gotta love him, too, right? You won’t like me when I’m mad! Hah!

3 Then, behold! There is Cat Woman, the Bionic Woman, Captain America, and Superman. Also, blessed be Spiderman for he is forever doin’ everything he can to bring justice to those who need it most.

4 Then Jesus said to the disciples, Truly I say unto you that just like many of my favorite heroes and villains I must be set to task and made to suffer so that the people of the world may see the stupid shit that they do to each other on a regular basis.

5 And then did the disciples become upset, saying, No! Lord this cannot be so! Let the idiots of the world suffer their own consequences, for you are not responsible for their stupid decisions and atrocious actions.

6 Jesus said, Behold! For some reason or another my old man, God, has decided that writing the script to read that I am nailed to a cross and sacrificed for the sins of all men will somehow fix a whole bunch of the shit that is wrong with many people.

7 Merrily I say unto you that when you get people into positions of power where they don’t know what the fuck they are doing they inevitably say that they need sacrifice and blood in order to save everything and everyone from some really bad end.

8 For even the nut-ball leader of the Branch Davidians allowed all of the disavowed and lost sheep of his flock to burn to the ground, in a school bus buried underground, no less.

9 I mean, really. Who does that shit?

10 And Mufasa said, Apparently your old man does that shit. Is there any way you can convince him to do otherwise? You know, come up with a different plan and present it to him?

11 Then did Jesus’ eyes light up as what he thought to be quite a good idea entered into his mind. And Jesus said, why don’t we just change it ourselves? I mean, we can only make it better, right?

12 And Koresh said, Isn’t that the truth! Seriously, anything we can come up with has got to be better than letting’ you get nailed to some wood just so that maybe the fallen of the world can believe in you and maybe be saved from some maybe end of the world.

13 Then did Carlos add, I have a problem with all of this ‘maybe’ stuff, you know? I mean, with all of this supposed sacrifice that is supposed to take place I want some damned guarantees about something, right?

14 Well, said Jesus, The only thing my old man will guarantee is that people will be fightin’ over all of this shit pretty much forever and ever.

15 That doesn’t sound like a very good guarantee, said Lou. Can’t you get God to at least throw in some free pizza for life and free universal cable television for life? What good is sacrifice if it is not valid for all individuals involved?

16 It is valid for all individuals involved, said Mac Daddy, And all that needs to happen in order for that to happen is for all individuals involved to believe.

17 That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard, said Lou. There is no way whatsoever all of the people in the world are going to believe in this stupidly plotted salvation crap.

18 Besides, said Webster, It sounds to me like most of these mother fuckers who need this supposed salvation aren’t going to take it anyways. Hasn’t God learned that people can hardly agree on the time of day?

19 You know what I don’t get, said Judes, If God knows that some people aren’t going to go for this grand salvation thing of his, why doesn’t he come up with something everyone will want? And why does he damn some people from the very beginning? That isn’t fair!

20 Ahh, said Jesus as he nodded knowingly, He told you already?

21 Judes nodded sadly, Yes. He told me. Frankly, I think it is some of the biggest bullshit ever. I mean, don’t I get a choice in this? You’re my friend, Jesus. I don’t want to do to you what he is telling me to do to you.

22 Pete looked from Jesus to Judes and then asked, What are you talking about? You don’t want to do what? Who told you to do something to Jesus?

23 God did, answered Judes. He said he wants me to turn Jesus over to the scribes and Pharisees for thirty fucking pieces of silver. Thirty measly pieces of silver. That isn’t even enough to buy a freakin’ Playstation.

24 Whoa, whoa! What the fuck is this shit about turning Jesus over to the scribes and Pharisees? This had better be a joke, Judes, ‘cause if it isn’t I’m gonna make you wish to fuck it were a joke!

25 Jesus laughed, Dude take it down a notch! You sure get wound up tight, Pete. Relax. We’re talking about formulating a plan to avoid all this crap. Geeze, relax.

26 Yeah, said Jaime, Go to the doctor’s and ask for a prescription of Xanax, or something. Better yet, Quaaludes or Oxy Contin…oh, look! I have some here with me. Take these, said Jaime as he handed Pete a couple of small, pinkish pills.

27 M’Tew asked Jesus, So, what do we do now?

28 Tell you what, said Jesus, I have some errands that I really, really need to run, ‘aight? Let me go do what I need to do and then we can all meet up later at Pete’s house. Until then, all of you come up with some ideas as to how we should handle this.

29 And Webster asked Jesus, How come we always meet up at Pete’s house? What is so cool and special about his house? And Jesus answered,

30 Because Pete’s mom doesn’t mind if we want to smoke mow.

31 Good point, said Webster. See you there.

Chapter 10

1 After Jesus and the disciples parted company, Pete went and informed his mother of the upcoming meeting at their house so she wouldn’t be surprised, and so that she could properly set up for the gathering.

2 Pete’s mother set out her best paper plates and matching napkins, ordered two kegs of beer, made sure there were plenty of bongs in varying sizes available, set out a vast array of junk food, and painstakingly rolled large doobie after large doobie.

3 Just as Pete’s mother finished setting out bowls of doobies that held the best mow ever Jesus arrived. Within five minutes of Jesus’ arrival all of the disciples were present.

4 Jesus gathered everyone around the table and said, Please don’t light up yet. Everyone bow your heads for a moment of prayer. Jesus prayed, God, I am not quite sure what you expect to accomplish if we continue to do things the way you want them to be done,

5 Because, frankly speaking, your solution to things is totally fucked up. I have no idea who taught you how to be God, but anyone with half of a brain knows that you cannot fix something that is bad with something that is even worse. So,

6 We have decided to take things into our own hands and devise a plan that does not include me dying or Judes turning me into Interpol. Amen.

7 Amen, said all the disciples in unison. Then they all sat down together and commenced to lightin’ up their doobies. Once everyone was deeply inhaling the smoke of the most glorious mow Jesus spoke,

8 So, gentlemen, let’s hear some of your idea solutions to our problem at hand. Since it’s Pete’s house let’s start with him. Pete, whatcha’ got for us?

9 Through the pleasant haze of his high Pete said, I was thinking about the witness protection programs that people are known to use from time to time. You know, new city, new name, new everything. Jesus said,

10 Well, if we use witness protection then I can’t be in contact with you guys. That would totally suck. Of course, they could put all of us in the program together.

11 Jaime said, Don’t witness protection programs generally fuck up sooner or later, give away the locations of their people, and inadvertently end up getting them killed? Remember that movie ‘Eraser’ with Vanessa Williams?

12 Good point, said Jesus. Sorry Pete. Your idea has been reviewed, considered, and summarily over-ridden. How about you, Juan? Whatcha’ got for us?

13 Juan said, What if we kill all the scribes and Pharisees before they kill you, Jesus?

14 And Jesus answered, Juan, we are supposed to be solving the problem and not making it bigger. Absolutely no killing, got it?

15 Webster asked, What if we do something to stop the crucifixions?

16 J-Dog laughed and said, Like fuckin’ what? Drop a neutron bomb? Why not, right? It sounds feasible.

17 Jesus said, Stop it, you guys. This is counter-productive. Koresh, what idea do you have? And Koresh answered,

18 I think we should leave the country and the region and never come back, for once they realize we are gone they will forever be on the lookout for us.

19 Jesus looked thoughtful for a moment, and then the moment passed and he said, I like that idea. How can we pull it off? The scribes and Pharisees have already warned border agents and airport officials to not allow us to leave the country.

20 Mufasa said, We’ll just have to figure out a really good way to disguise ourselves. And, Jesus, I know you don’t want anyone to get killed and all, but we have to have someone take our places just so no one is the wiser,

21 For once we are out of the country it doesn’t matter. But until then, we need some ringers so no one gets suspicious and shuts all exit points down.

22 Everyone was nodding in agreement. So it is settled, said Jesus. We will leave the country. Now, where will we go?

23 I wouldn’t recommend anywhere in the Middle East or the Mediterranean, said Webster. No shit, Sherlock, said J-Dog.

24 I don’t think we should go anywhere where it snows, said Carlos. I hate the snow. It’s just too damn cold. In fact, anything under seventy degrees is too cold. Then again, we don’t want to pick another desert area like where we are now. The heat can be just as fucking bad, man.

25 All of the disciples nodded in agreement. Then M’Tew said, What about Florida, you know, somewhere like Boca Raton or Pensacola?

26 Well, Jesus hesitated, those are nice areas, but lots of journalists are covering the scams that are always being run from there. We might get accidental media coverage, just like Whoopi Goldberg’s character did in the first Sister Act movie where the bad guys found out where she was from a simple news coverage.

27 What about Bermuda? Asked Pete. It’s absolutely gorgeous.

28 True, said Jesus, But they have that creepy ‘Bermuda Triangle’ thing goin’.

29 J-Dog asked, What about somewhere in Africa? Its got to have, what, fifty different countries? Jesus snorted laughter and said,

30 Africa? Are you nuts? Not only is anywhere in Africa way too close to where we are now, but the entire continent is destitute, disease riddled, and has about sixteen different countries that are in constant threat of military coups damn near every day.

31 Webster said, South America has a lot of nice places. How about Rio in Brazil?

32 Jesus shook his head and said, No way, man. People in South America are always getting kidnapped by that freakin’ FARC group and held for ransom. Consider who my father is and you’ll see that I would be the kidnap prize of all kidnap prizes.

33 Judes said, That’s very true. Well, how about Hawaii? I read that it is incredibly beautiful there, has great scenery as well as fantastic fishing. There are several islands, quite a few we can have all to ourselves.

34 Humm, mused Jesus. I like the sound of Hawaii. And since most people still think the world is flat we won’t be bothered by tourists for a long ass time. Alright, gentlemen, said Jesus as he raised his glass of beer, To Hawaii!

35 The disciples raised their glasses of beer and said, To Hawaii!

Chapter 11

1 It came to pass that Jesus and the disciples went into Judea and traveled toward the River Jordache. And, of course, as soon as the people heard Jesus was in town they flocked to him that they might hear his wisdom and be healed of their sicknesses.

2 When the scribes and the Pharisees heard that Jesus was in town they too went out to him that they might become thorns in his side by stirring up the crowds.

3 And the Pharisees asked Jesus whether or not it was lawful for a man and a man or a woman and a woman to marry, tempting Jesus to speak against that which they held to be true religion.

4 Jesus answered them by asking, What do your laws say? Do they not say that only a man and a woman shall marry? But what of those women who love women and the men who love men, what of these? Do they not know what love is?

5 For what right does the law of any man or country have to delegate where love may and may not apply, depending on the gender of the individuals desiring to love? Who is any man to tell another whether or not he may be conquered by love?

6 Do you not know the tenets of your own disastrous faith? Do you not claim that love conquers all? Is not gender included in all?

7 And the scribes and Pharisees said unto Jesus, But it is written in the laws of Moses that a woman shall not lie with a woman and a man shall not lie with a man and suffer to live, for such is an abomination to God!

8 And Jesus became angry with them, saying, What the fuck is your fucking problem? Has a man asked you to love him? Are you asking to cease your love with a man?

9 Love has moved in your heart according to the gender you desire. No one is asking for you to lie with a man, but simply to be given the same rights of the same laws as those who would love members of the opposite sex.

10 You think that all should be as you for you hold yourselves to be so high in the eyes of all that comprises what God is, yet you are mistaken. The hardness of your hearts is proof that you are mistaken.

11 It is so that from the beginning of all of creation that God has set no limits upon love and no requirement upon love, for to do so would be to do so unto God. And it is true that God possesses no limits and no requirements, foh-shizzle this be true.

12 And it is for these reasons that if two people wish to be married, regardless of their genders, they shall do so and become one in the love that they share with and for one another.

13 For God is love and love conquers all. Therefore, what love has brought together shall no man and no law and no interpretation of any laws by any man pull asunder.

14 It was that as Jesus taught the Tenement Gospel that many young children came unto him and asked him, Lord, what shall we do that we may honor both God and our parents?

15 And Jesus said, In order that you honor God and all that comprises God in a faithful manner be sure that you live the joy within you to the fullest, and let it sustain you, and let it make great cause for you to give unto the world great things and many joys.

16 And in order that you should honor your mother and your father to the fullest so shall you be the very best that you can be, to the fullest of your joy and the compassion of love that fills your heart.

17 Verily I say unto you, if a man or a woman does not learn to love with all their heart as a child, and if a man or a woman does not learn to live their joy when they are but children, then so shall their lives as adults be that much harder and filled with senseless wrath.

18 Then did Jesus bless the children and send them on their way, saying, Do your absolute best in everything you do and the path you travel and things you discover and the people you meet shall be well for you and with you, ‘aight? Stay in school!

19 Then Jesus went out driving his horse cart on the road. And an Asian man driving erratically rear ended Jesus’ cart with his own oxen. And seeing what he had done the man threw himself before Jesus, saying,

20 Lord, forgive me! For I have always been a bad driver! I did not intend to cause you or what is yours harm. And the man shook mightily for his oxen were not registered, neither was he paid up on insurance. And Jesus said to the man,

21 Look, Hong, everyone makes mistakes, ‘aight? Everyone. The Gospel of Disaster says there is no one perfect save for God. Of course, one look at the platypus and I beg to differ, but anyways, don’t sweat it, you dig?

22 Getting angry never undoes a mistake but only increases the chances that mistake shall be remembered and held against the offending individual. Be forgiving. Be kind. Be loving. Besides, I don’t have registration or insurance either.

Chapter 12

1 Then Jesus came to a place known as The Windy City, for the inhabitants of the city all had a disorder of the lower intestines and were forever cracking off sulfurous methane emanations from morning to night, yea, even as they slept.

2 Being very careful to breathe through his mouth instead of his nose, Jesus began to minister the Tenement Gospel unto them, saying,

3 The Gospel of Disaster has delineated whatever it is that a man shall not do according to the civil and penal codes Moses brought down from Mount Cyanide,

4 Yet such instruction is incomplete as the leaders of men edited some commandments and removed some altogether.

5 Behold, I shall give unto you the knowledge and truth that was withheld from you by the very ones who were supposed to be giving it to you:

6 Thou shalt not kill unless the individual you are proposing to kill is really, really deserving of a death sentence.

7 Thou shalt not steal anything that is nailed down. Anything that you can pry loose does not qualify as being nailed down.

8 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife unless they practice open marriage and she is a total hottie.

9 Thou shalt not bear false witness against another unless you are really in a bind and need to save your ass.

10 Thou shalt remember the Sabbath and keep it holy, but that doesn’t mean you can’t watch professional football or go fishing.

11 Thou shalt not commit adultery unless the other person is drop-dead sexy.

12 Honor your mother and your father so long as their backs are not turned from you. As soon as they turn from you roll your eyes and stick your tongue out.

13 Thou shalt have no other Gods before me unless divine beings are listed in alphabetical order.

14 Thou shalt not take the Lord’s name in vain, goddamn it, unless you are seriously pissed or in a lot of pain.

15 Thou shalt not blaspheme the Holy Spirit unless you have absolutely nothing better to do with your time.

16 Thou shalt not eat any fish caught off of the Shelter Island Pier unless you wish to shorten your lifespan by a good five years.

17 Thou shalt never drink milk that is expired by more than seven days or that already has the little cottage cheese globs forming in it.

18 Thou shalt have full satellite or cable television, for man cannot live on basic cable alone.

19 Thou shalt not trim your gnarled toenails with your teeth. Neither shall you dig the wax out of your ears with your fingernails.

20 Thou shalt remember Elvis’ birthday and keep it holy.

21 Thou shalt never believe anything any politician tells you, for they all lie through their teeth for the benefit of themselves.

22 Thou shalt fart in a crowded isle in order to clear a path to whatever it is you need.

23 Thou shalt never eat the sausage patties that the military cooks that come in a box marked ‘Meat No Preference’.

24 Thou shalt not ignore the power within you or be afraid of it. Instead, study it, practice it, and use it well to acquire the things you desire.

25 Thou shalt not threaten your children with spanking in order to get them to comply with your order to stop hitting each other. Think about it. You are basically saying that you are going to hit your kids if they don’t stop hitting each other.

26 Thou shalt forever know that O.J. Simpson is guilty as guilty can be.

27 Thou shalt not believe what happens in reality shows as everything is scripted down to the last detail.

28 Thou shalt never condone a faith based on fear.

29 Thou shalt not feel badly about breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend who was nowhere near the person you thought them to be, nor anywhere near the person they professed themselves to be.

30 Thou shalt use common sense, especially when dealing with particularly stupid people.

31 Thou shalt not ignore your gut reactions, gut feelings, or intuitions.

32 Thou shalt not mistreat those individuals who prefer to love those members of the same sex.

33 Thou shalt pay the Gospel of Disaster no mind at all should a prisoner of such try to cram such dogma down your throat.

34 Thou shalt never abandon family and friends just because they believe in God differently than you do, or even not believe in anything at all.

35 Thou shalt always drive any motorized vehicle like it is stolen.

36 Thou shat never ask a police officer if he has been eating doughnuts when he asks you if you have been drinking.

37 Thou shalt never light a match when covered with gasoline.

38 Thou shalt always be true to yourself for in doing so you will always be an honest person.

39 Thou shalt never eat an entire bag of chocolates and then ride the tilt-a-whirl.

40 Thou shalt not be so hard on yourself so as to picture yourself a failure, but rather picture yourself as a magnificent person who is full of creativity and the strength to endure and persevere and accomplish your every goal to the highest standard.

41 Thou shalt not sue fast food companies on the premise that they made you fat. That is pure stupidity. Neither shall you sue fast food companies for making the coffee too hot. It is supposed to be fucking hot.

42 And when Jesus was finished preaching the Tenement Gospel to those who listened he and the disciples very quickly left before the crowds could ask for anything to eat,

43 For Jesus and the disciples simply could not handle the smell of The Windy City any longer.

Chapter 13

1 It came to pass that Jesus and the disciples returned to the slums of Jerusalem. When the scribes and Pharisees heard this they left the temple to find Jesus so that they might question Jesus and get him to say something incriminating.

2 And a Pharisee asked Jesus, how is it that you have so much knowledge of healing and performing miracles? Where do you get this power or who taught it to you?

3 Jesus answered, Where do you think it comes from? Do you believe it comes from within me or from without me or from God or from Satan?

4 From Satan, cried the Pharisee in rage. It is written in our disastrous scriptures that a witch should not be suffered to live. This is the law of the Lord our God as so stated by Moses,

5 For every one of us knows that casting out demons, talking to the demons, walking on water, healing the sick, restoring sight, instantly repairing credit ratings, making things appear and disappear, speaking with ghosts, reading the minds of men,

6 Predicting the weather, raising people from the dead, reading the alignment of the stars, burning incense, casting spells, invoking spirits, speaking with the dead, seeing ghosts, predicting the future, and all other feats of magic are purely evil and condemned by the God of our Gospel of Disaster. And Jesus said,

7 Do you realize what hypocrites you all are and what a total fuck-up your precious Gospel of Disaster is? You say your God tells you through your scripture that all of these things are evil, but how can this be true?

8 For did not Moses speak to a bush burning in the desert? That is only the tip of the freakin’ ice berg. You say magic is evil and Satanic, but here is proof to the contrary:               9 When magicians in Pharaoh’s court turned their staffs into snakes, Aaron did the same and his staff that had turned into a snake ate the other staffs that had been turned into snakes;

10 When the children of Israel were meandering around in the desert and needed water Moses smacked a giant boulder with his staff and made water to come forth; Sampson was so strong he pushed the pillars of a temple to the point where they toppled over;

11 How about when the children of Israel were leaving Egypt and God followed them in a pillar of fire, or Joseph interpreting the dreams of the Pharaoh, or Gideon receiving a sign directly from God, or David defeating Goliath,

12 Or the three men put into the furnace by Nebuchadnezzar not dying or even getting burned in the least bit, or Joshua commanding the sun and moon to stop in their tracks so his army had extra light in order to fight better,

13 Or when the spirit of Samuel was called up from the dead, or the parting of the Red Sea, or requests by King David for divine protection? What about all those things? And that is just for starters, ‘aight?

14 One of my favorite things to point out in conversations such as this is the fact that you say it is evil and Satanic to read the stars in the heavens for signs and symbols, but then your half-assed Gospel of Disaster says to look for a sign that Jesus is born, a sign that just happens to be a star.

15 What kind of backwards shit is that? Seriously. Who does that? You can’t have it both ways, you assholes.

16 You can’t have all of these amazing miracles and incredible feats that are performed by your prophets or others and then turn around and tell someone who can do the same that they are evil or Satanic.

17 So, is it some kind of special club you can join where if you are good enough or special enough that you are not considered bad if you use magic? Is it one of those do as I say and not as I do, things?

18 Or maybe, just maybe your dumb asses are jealous that you have somehow misplaced the understanding of how to use your magic and you don’t like seeing others being able to do it when you can’t?

19 Maybe you don’t like the idea of people having such power because that would indicate that people have a hell of a lot more control to fix the wrong things in the world, to fix their mistakes, and to undo the stupid shit they gone and done did,

20 Because then ya’ll couldn’t be passin’ off the responsibility to make positive change onto some deity who is somewhere way far off.

21 You just don’t want to acknowledge the power within all people and the natural aptitude for magic because you don’t want to be responsible.

22 For you, oh lazy fuckers, you are more willing to pray for someone else, deity or no deity, to make changes to yourselves, your lives, and your communities than to get with the program and make the changes yourself.

23 Ya’ll are a bunch of lazy, double-speaking hypocrites. Get the fuck out of my face. People like you and all the other prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster never listen anyways, so get the fuck out of my face before I turn you into pimples and pop you.

24 And a scribe stepped forward and said, We know everything about the evil you represent and that you ignore rulers of authority, caring for no one other than yourself. You are smug anarchist bastard who encourages the governed to disobey all laws.

25 And Jesus said, It is no surprise you are reacting in the typical manner by taking things I have said and done and twisting them like a pretzel until they fit whatever malcontent you have seeded, are seeding, and will be seeding.

26 You purposely prey on the hearts and minds of men who really do not know any better than to trust you and your vicious spiritual crap.

27 You know as well as I, for you have heard my ministry message, that I have never advocated abusing or ignoring laws, but rather have consistently encouraged people to do what is right and just and compassionate.

28 I am not even going to humor you by trying to explain the truths I speak, let alone answer your stupid question. Why? Because time and again ya’ll have proven yourselfs to be completely closed off to anything I say.

29 So, like I said…fuck off.

Chapter 14

1 Then did Jesus and the disciples travel by rent-a-car to the barrios of Bethlehem in order that they might teach the losers there how to get their shit lives together and do something of value with themselves.

2 And Jesus began to preach in a ramshackle community park that sported dying lawns, broken playground equipment, a drinking fountain that hadn’t worked in decades, a considerable amount of trash, and basketball hoops that no longer had any nets on them.

3 And Jesus said, Bring me your questions and concerns so that I may minister unto you. Then a man stepped up to Jesus and asked, Lord, is it true that righteous men must by law tithe the temple or the church? Jesus answered,

4 No. That is just something money hungry preachers say in order to secure some extra income. There is no need to tithe unless it is something you choose to do of your own accord, and whether or not you do does not make you good or bad. So, don’t feel bad in the least bit about buying anything you want with your money.

5 Merrily I say unto you, that it is a common practice for many preachers asking for money to use the money for stupid shit like cross shaped swimming pools, trips to Bermuda, and air conditioners in their dogs’ houses.

6 Another man came forward and asked Jesus, Lord, is it not so that those who are poor who give all that they have financially to the church hold great favor in the eyes of God?

7 And Jesus said, that is a load of shit, ‘aight? Poor people who give all of their money to churches are stupid since instead of giving their money to some two-bit, bible-thumping religious charlatan they should be going to the damn grocery store to buy food,

8 For it is true that those who are poor had best take measures and actions to first improve their own situation before trying to do anything financially for anyone else. If God needs money that badly I sure he could whip up a batch of bills in no time.

9 Then Jesus was asked, Jesus, why do those who are held captive by the Gospel of Disaster always talking about the end of the world? Why don’t they just work and pray together to make things better and to improve possible outcomes in the future?

10 Well, Jesus said, for a couple of reasons. Firstly, they love the drama and the attention that they inevitably draw with their depressing and hopeless assessments of the fate of mankind. They feed off of this negativity like leeches on their host.

11 Secondly, they want to be right and they want to feel special, like they have something no one else has. They want to believe that God will favor them over all other people and faiths, that God will spare them from utter disaster while murdering everyone else for believing differently.

12 A woman asked Jesus, Teacher, why did God give us freewill if he already knew he would punish us for not making the choices he wants us to make? I mean, doesn’t the fact that God wants for people to make specific choices, or else, remove the idea of freewill?

13 Everyone has freewill, my child, answered Jesus. Contrary to what the Gospel of Disaster teaches, God wants for us to make our own choices, good or not so good, in order that we grow in understanding with each life that we live;

14 You are correct in pointing out that the God of the Gospel of Disaster demanding specific choices in order to secure salvation automatically removes all notions of freewill.

15 Telling someone to make a choice between ‘a’ or ‘b’, whichever one they want, and then telling that person if they pick ‘b’ they will die horribly also removes notions of freewill. This describes the doctrine of the Gospel of Disaster to a ‘t’.

16 On the one hand they say all of humanity has freewill, then on the other hand they say humanity is fucked. Go figure.

17 Then did a Pharisee who was mingling with the crowd ask Jesus, Rabbi, are we not in the End Times even as we speak? With nations rising against nations everywhere and with so many wars being fought, is not the Second Coming imminent?

18 Then did Jesus become irritated and answered, Tell me now, how in the fuck can the Second Coming, my return for the second time, be upon us when I haven’t even left from the first time I visited ya’ll, a time that happens to be now?

19 And, no. We are not in the End Times, ‘aight? Ya’ll are so damned consumed by trying to think of all the horrible things that will happen to humanity when all time ends, that you don’t even bother to think and do and encourage happy things, good things.

20 Your scriptures are misinterpreted, diluted, and marred by the opinions of men who only wish to control others by telling them there is no hope. That’s crap. You got it? Crap. Your scriptures do not know the future, and neither do you for that matter.

21 As far as nations fighting against nations, well, that is what people do when they do not agree. However, all of this fighting is not nearly as detrimental to the universe and all of eternity as you say it is. Not everyone fights. There are nations that do many good things. So, stop pretending everything everywhere is bad,

22 For if all you ever open your eyes to is suffering and misery, guess what? That is all you are ever going to see no matter how good you think your vision is and no matter how good things are around you.

23 And the scribes and the Pharisees in the crowd wailed and tore their clothing in a theatrical show of sorrow, saying, Raca! This man defiles our scriptures with false witness and blasphemy! May he be delivered unto Satan!

24 Then did the scribes and Pharisees leave, heading toward the governor’s quarters with the intention of requesting immediate arrest and incarceration of Jesus. And the crowd murmured in fear, but Jesus said,

25 Do not be afraid, ‘aight? Do not be afraid for the love of the universe that comprises all things that make up everything that God is did not create your life in order that you live it in fear.

26 If there are men who wish to live in fear let them alone to do so on their own and do not allow your life and your love to be contaminated with the destructive nature of fear.

Chapter 15

1 Now it was the time of the Passed Over celebration, and the brunch buffet that also served champagne. As the scribes and Pharisees brooded at their tables they considered how to arrest Jesus and on what charges.

2 And it came to pass that after the celebration and the feast Jesus and the disciples loaded into Mac Daddy’s Volkswagen van with Jesus driving and Koresh pulling shotgun duties.

3 Jesus and the disciples had hardly been driving more than ten minutes when they were pulled over by Roman Centurion State Patrol. Jesus groaned, saying, Goddamn it! Wouldn’t it figure I would get pulled over the one night I forget my wallet and license?

4 The Roman Centurion State Patrol unit pulled its chariot right behind the van and then approached the driver’s side window, tapping on the window.

5 Jesus rolled the window down and before he could be asked for his license and registration he said, Yes, I’ll have two large fries, six apple pie thingies, hummm…three orders of chicken nuggets, four egg rolls and a liter of soda.

6 The Centurion apparently didn’t find Jesus funny and asked Jesus for his driver’s license and registration. Jesus said, I don’t have my license with me right now but I can give you the number to run your check on.

7 The Centurion ignored this and asked, Have you been drinking tonight, or been using any illegal substances?

8 No, said Jesus. Then he remembered the gi-normous duffle bag of special blend mow in the back seat and realized he was screwed. The Centurion saw Jesus’ expression and figured something was wrong, asking,

9 Sir, would you please step out of the van and place your hands on the hood. Jesus sighed for he knew there was really nothing he could do about his predicament.

10 Three hours later Jesus still sat in the holding cell of the Temple Prison and Correctional Facilities, waiting anxiously for the disciples to bail him out. Three more hours passed before a Pharisee finally approached Jesus’ cell, saying,

11 Well, well, well. If it isn’t the one and only Jesus of Nazareth. My, but don’t you look cozy in that teeny little cell. Feelin’ hungry?

12 Jesus ignored the Pharisee’s mocking tone and said, Look man, I know my rights, you dig? Bail has been paid so just let me out. By the way, you assholes denied me my rights by not letting me make a phone call.

13 The Pharisee laughed, How were you gonna call? And, I don’t know what makes you think bail has been posted, cause it hasn’t. My brotha, you are here to stay and shall be a most distinguished guest at the crucifixion celebration tomorrow morning.

14 Jesus scowled, not in a particularly good humor, and said, Fuck you, man. I don’t feel like playing games. Just let me out.

15 Bail has not been paid, your holiness, or can’t you hear? And behold, verily I say unto you that your country ass is gonna hang tomorrow!

16 Jesus became angry and yelled, Stop screwin’ around and let me the fuck outta here!

17 The Pharisee made a mock sad face and said, Awww. Is him feelin’ sad? Poor, poor baby. Do you need your mommy and daddy? Wait, it seems to me you could get yourself out if you really are the Spawn of God. So why don’t you?

18 Jesus ignored the question and asked, What do you mean bail hasn’t been paid? Didn’t the disciples pay it?

19 I’ll tell you what the disciples paid for, your highness. They did post bail for something, not someone. I am sure you can guess that the duffle bag loaded with the mow was pretty important to them. They bailed out the mow.

20 It then came to pass that at that moment a group of scribes came running into the room, saying, Come quick! Those demanding the release of Jesus have set fire to the residential district of the rich! Already twenty houses have burned down!

21 Without so much as batting an eye the Pharisee handed the scribes the cell block key and took off running, calling out behind him, Stay with him! Do not let anyone in! If the fire comes here evacuate him to the governor’s quarters! Oh, my house! My house!

22 After a few moments the scribes turned and faced Jesus, and Jesus said, Well played, guys! Let’s blow this joint!

23 Then from under their robes the disciples, who were dressed as scribes, pulled the uniform of a Pharisee and handed it to Jesus who quickly changed into it. How do I look? Jesus asked Mufasa.

24 Good enough to pass for a Pharisee, said Mufasa as they all headed out the door, blending in with the crowds that always seemed to plague the streets.

Chapter 16

1 The room was silent, all eyes directed toward the Pharisee who had been charged with guarding Jesus and who had forsaken his duties to save his home when informed his neighborhood was on fire. The Pharisee swallowed hard, saying,

2 Sir, they told me that my neighborhood was on fire. I was trying to save my home. I put the other scribes in charge of Jesus. I guess he got the drop on them.

3 The governor of the area leaned forward on the podium and said, Caesar will be here tomorrow, and he has always been one of those who hated Jesus the most. Not too long ago I called him and told him we had Jesus,

4 But as it turns out we don’t have Jesus because a shit for brains Pharisee decided to save his house from a fire that wasn‘t even in his neighborhood. Do you really think that I can call Caesar and tell him this? He will have my ass for putting such a putz like you in charge!

5 The governor raged on, I have fewer than twenty-four hours to come up with a plan and come up with Jesus or my ass is grass! So, any suggestions?

6 Yes, sir, the Pharisee answered. We need some ringers. I know just the ones.

7 And it came to pass that the governor followed the Pharisee’s plan which was to take thirteen political prisoners, tell them that they were going to be released per a plea/treaty deal with another country at the stroke of midnight,

8 Then, once they were safely away from the prison where no one could see they would be kidnapped, bludgeoned, but not killed, dressed to look like Jesus and his disciples, tied to crosses, and forced to walk through the littered streets in the same route that those being crucified normally walked…except this would be done at midnight.

9 People would be roused from sleep, rushing to their doors to see what the hell was going on. The soldiers would be equipped with whips and chains, beating the men tied to the crosses as they walked to their deaths.

10 Then they would be dutifully nailed to their crosses and raised high for all to see. When half asleep citizens questioned what was going on the soldiers would shout and yell at them that this was what happened to all who opposed Caesar, whether or not they were religious men.

11 The Pharisee sighed and then added, And one of the main points to doing this at night is there will be no one to question the facial and bodily figures of those we are crucifying since it will be the dark of night.

12 The governor nodded and a slow smile spread on his face. He was really starting to like the Pharisee’s plan. Then he asked the Pharisee, But what happens when Caesar gets here and demands to know why I hung the one man who he hates the most in the entire world and who he wants to kill the most? And the Pharisee said,

13 Well, that is where the plan gets a little hairy since it will take a lot of very good acting on the parts of the soldiers. Only use soldiers you can trust. So, this is what needs to be done,

14 Have a bunch of soldiers dress like Jesus, his disciples, and at least a crowd of about fifty. The crowd must be gathered around Jesus and his disciples in order to cut down the chances of someone getting close enough to recognize that it’s not Jesus and gang.

15 Then when the streets are good and quiet and the people asleep, have the Jesus ringers march through the streets shouting bad crap about Caesar, claiming to kill him as soon as he arrives, and also shouting for people to join their cause.

16 For best effect have a few more ringers emerge and join the crowd in apparent support. Then, as soon as they are at the palace of Caesar make a big show of arresting them and putting them into prison. Remember that it must look like total anarchy.

17 Then once at the prison simply put your Jesus ringers in place of the arrestees, tie ‘em to their crosses, and proceed to the crucifixion site. Get them nailed and up as quickly as possible.

18 Make sure that the soldiers are yelling to those watching that this is what happens to all those against Caesar. Be extremely aggressive. Have a couple of your men go out to meet Caesar to tell him of the plans Jesus and the disciples devised for his murder and a revolt,

19 Then tell him you immediately crucified them in order that they not try to take control or harm Caesar, and that people who wanted to join such an ill fated revolt immediately changed their minds on fear of instant death.

20 When Caesar gets here the Jesus ringers will already be dead so they can’t tell him what we did. Plus, with them nailed up so high on the crosses and with their faces unrecognizable from the beatings Caesar will never know.

21 He might be a little pissed we held the crucifixions without him, but he will get over it quickly because his ego will be so swollen from the thought that we defended him and saved him and are obviously so loyal to him we enacted instant justice on those who would defy Caesar and the Roman government.

22 The Pharisee held his hands out in an ‘I’m finished’ gesture and said, What do you think? The governor looked thoughtful, then said,

23 That plan has to be one of the most complicated plans I have ever heard, and it is loaded with all kinds of crap that could go wrong. But, we have no choice. So, yes. Let’s do it.

Chapter 17

1 The snow that blanketed the mountains made the mountains stand out in stark relief against the indigo blue sky. Even though it was sunny, that was a ruse. The air temperature was a teeth chattering ten degrees.

2 A group of men in extreme cold weather attire were receiving beginners’ skiing instructions on the side of the mountain known as the ‘bunny slopes’. When the instruction was over the men boarded ski lifts headed to the mountain top.

3 When all of the men finally arrived at the top they tried to make it at least halfway down before they lost balance or tripped themselves up with their own skis.

4 After the third time down the mountain and the third time he had gotten his skis tangled which had resulted in him tumbling head over heels down the mountain, Jesus lay on his back in the snow, breathing heavily.

5 He glanced over to Mufasa and Koresh who were struggling to get up after face planting in the snow. The other disciples were also trying to right themselves after tumbling headlong down the mountain.

6 Jesus said to Koresh, I had no idea whatsoever skiing was this difficult. I mean, I was thinking that if I can walk on water surely I could ski. Shee-it.

7 Koresh smiled, panting with exertion and then said, Yeah, but it beats getting crucified by Neo-Nazi Roman soldiers or persistently being followed by crowds who really are as mindless as sheep in need of a shepherd.

8 You got that right! Jesus said. That was just getting way to damn crazy back there.

9 Mufasa asked Jesus, Is your dad mad that you totally ditched what he told you to do? Jesus shrugged and said,

10 Nah. He said it worked out okay since everyone still thought we were crucified. Of course, we can never go back. No, no, no. My old man told me he owned a nice house in Aspen and did not really use it. So, he gave it to us. I think we will do well here.

11 Two hours later Jesus and the disciples sat around the fireplace, sipping Cognac and watching cheesy horror movies.

12 Carlos said to Jesus, I am glad we didn’t go to Hawaii. I have a fear of being surrounded by large amounts of water and being swallowed by a tidal wave. Are you going to miss preaching to the people? Jesus looked thoughtful for a moment and then said,

13 Well, yes and no. Yes, because the people desperately need to know the full truth. No, because there are always those idiots and assholes who inevitably take spiritual messages and turn them into voracious sects within institutionalized religion,

14 For some people just don’t seem happy unless they are controlling each other with twisted little pockets of fear based faiths or fighting over whose God is better. It gets really tiring having to repeat myself so friggin’ much.

15 I am quite confident we will do very well here with no one to preach to, no one following us, no one accusing us of weird shit, no one taking what we say out of context or ascribing a completely different meanings to what we say, and no one telling us how to think and live and believe.

16 Jesus raised his glass of Cognac, wincing slightly from the pain in his cracked ribs, an injury he acquired when slamming into a rather large and immovable tree. A toast, gentlemen, Said Jesus.

17 Webster asked Jesus, What shall we toast to? Jesus smiled contentedly and said,

18 To the knowledge and understanding that brings true freedom and whatever destiny you choose to create. Live to love and love to live!

19 The disciples raised their glasses in unison and said, Hear, hear!

20 Jesus paused a moment then said, And to salvation! The disciples answered,

21 To Salvation!

The Book of Lou

Chapter 1

1 As you have probably figured out after reading the first two books prior to this one there are severe discrepancies when it comes to the information and descriptions of what happened during Jesus’ life.

2 Does this surprise you? It shouldn’t. People can’t seem to agree on much, even when it comes to silly crap like how to roll the toothpaste tube, which way to roll the toilet paper, or how to load the dishwasher,

3 So, how in the hell would they agree on the descriptions of the life of Jesus, his purpose for mingling with humanity, or the meaning of the Tenement Gospel and the Gospel of Disaster that were both preached?

4 Since the other disciples before me obviously, wantonly and completely and totally fucked up the truth of how things really went down when Jesus was on the planet, I, Lou, have decided to give you the pure and unadulterated truth.

5 Trust me. You are gonna love this.

6 Way back in the boondocks of time when Herod was the king of Judea, there be this cool kitten named Lizzy and her hubby.

7 These folk thought they was the shiz-nit, regularly professin’ to be perfect since they be following all the commandments that God supposedly done told people to follow way back in Moses’ time.

8 Now Lizzy and her hubby didn’t be havin’ no kids, and while  most people be thinking’ that be because they was barren that ain’t be the truth. See, Lizzy was a frigid bitch, truth be told.

9 But that shit didn’t seem to be botherin’ her hubby since most of the time he be workin’ in the temple, in charge of burnin’ incense behind the temple curtain so folks don’t be smellin’ the mow the priests be smoking’.

10 Then one day when ‘ole hubby boy be cleanin’ up behind the priests he be finding’ some mow they be leavin’ behind. So, hubby be smoking’ it all and he started havin’ visions and shit ‘cause little did he know the priests done laced the mow with PCP.

11 And hubby had a vision that some really bright lookin’ angel dude be appearing to him and telling him that Lizzy be preggars.

12 Well, hubby said, That shit ain’t possible since Lizzy be a frigid bitch and we ain’t done nothing in the sack since New Year’s ten years ago. And the angel told hubby that Lizzy be doin’ the post man and done swallowed a watermelon seed.

13 All in all it really didn’t be botherin’ hubby none since he be trampin’ around with a couple of the wives of the priests for what seemed like forever and a decade.

14 And the angel be taking a hit of hubby’s doobie and told him that the son Lizzy be having will be another one of those crackpot cult leaders who eventually end up getting’ to convince they congregation to kill theyselves like a flock of lemmings skydiving off a cliff.

15 Then the angel be passin’ the doobie back to hubby who took a hit and then be askin’ what the fuck the angel be talking about. And the angel said he didn’t have a goddamn clue and was simply relaying info God wanted told to the hubby.

16 Then when hubby’s doobie was done completely smoked the angel disappeared and hubby went home to have himself a mega dinner since for some reason or other he felt incredibly famished.

17 When hubby be getting’ home he be laughing and making fun of Lizzy for getting preggars by a lowly post man. Lizzy got pissed and told hubby to fuck himself and he said to her what did she think he had been doin’ the whole time anyways.

18 Round about the same time that hubby be sharing’ the doobie with the angel another angel visited this broke ho named Mary in the tenement town of Nazareth.

19 Mary was set to be marrying this hombre named Joseph who was only marginally less broke than she was. They were already living together in an effort to scale down their costs of living, scrapin’ together and saving whatever money they could.

20 Joseph be working at the local Nazareth Rent-a-Center sellin’ new and used appliances and home furniture items. Mary had been workin’ at the Nazareth chapter of Pacers, but since Pure Platinum had opened across the street business had slowed dramatically.

21 Then Mary decided to try the world’s oldest profession, and was incidentally quite good at it. In only three years of working the backstroke Mary had accumulated the sum of one hundred thousand dollars which she and Joseph kept in the bank and did not touch.

22 See, Joseph and Mary wanted to emigrate far away from Nazareth and the Middle East as a whole since they found most individuals of the culture to be control-hungry, abusive muthas.

23 Joseph and Mary had finally decided on emigrating to Washington state, and had already picked out the property they wanted, a large ten thousand acre farm near the Canadian border that already had a very nice home built on it as well as the cattle they wished to raise.

24 However, they were wanting to save another ten thousand or so to use to tide them over until their cattle business took firm root and could verifiably provide them with the money they would need to support a very comfortable lifestyle.

25 Anyways, the angel that visited Mary said, I have a proposition for you, Mary.

26 And Mary said, I don’t take on customers until after three in the afternoon. If you like I can set up an appointment for you, but I must tell you I am very booked and people very rarely cancel.

27 The angel said, Not that kind of proposition, you ninny.

28 And Mary said, Oh. How embarrassing. My bad. What can I do for you then?

29 And the angel told Mary his proposition which was to have Mary surrogate for God the son God always wanted. In return for carrying his son to full term God would pay Mary the astronomical sum of five hundred thousand dollars.

30 Done! Said Mary excitedly, cutting off the angel before he could really describe anything else. When do I get the money? She asked.

31 Well, answered the angel, If you become impregnated today we can have the funds transferred to your account within the hour. However, you must remain here for the duration of the pregnancy,

32 But as soon as you deliver the baby you and Joseph are free to leave to Washington and God will assume full responsibility for Jesus.

33 Jesus? Who the hell is Jesus, asked Mary.

34 Jesus is the name God wants to name his son, said the angel. Mary shrugged and thought it was a screwy name. She would have named her son ‘Bob’ or something a little more normal than ‘Jesus’. She thought the name God had picked sounded like something Amway would sell.

35 So, Mary agreed to the angel’s proposition and, POOF! Just like that she was preggars with the son of God. When Joseph came home she told him everything and he sighed with relief when he heard that he and Mary now no longer had any issues with money.

36 Joseph and Mary were quite happy in the knowledge that in only nine short months they could blow the popsicle stand of Nazareth for good and live a normal, happy, abundant life like people were meant to live.

Chapter 2

1 Then it came to pass that Mary and Joseph went to visit Mary’s half-cousin six times removed in the projects of Judea in a neighborhood called Holy Christ of the Crissed-Crossed Compton.

2 It be during this visit that Lizzy told Mary that she too would be squeezing’ out another low-budget, poverty riddled member of lower society and would call his name Juan.

3 Mary told Lizzy that she had agreed to a deal with an angel of God to surrogate God’s son who was to be called ‘Jesus’. Lizzy mentioned that that was the screwiest name she had ever heard, but who cares when it’s for money, right?

4 And Mary said, Ain’t that the truth? Hell, I cannot wait to get out of Nazareth! I am sick and tired of the miserly rich muthas who run the town constantly trying to do everything to keep all the people in poverty and low in hope,

5 For the politicians who run the city into the ground are constantly finding new ways with which to torture the people. Living conditions are abominable, there is no sanitation, food is scarce and spoiled when there is any,

6 There are murders, and every kind of twisted spawn of a human being you can possibly imagine in the city of Nazareth. I can hardly wait until we leave because I sure as hell have better things to do than live my life in subjugation. Fuck that.

7 And the baby inside of Lizzy’s womb leapt in agreement.

8 It came to be that after many months Lizzy and Mary both had their babies, and Lizzy and her hubby remained living in squalor in the city where they lived. Joseph and Mary gave the baby Jesus to God and then immediately high-tailed it to Washington state.

9 Things did not turn out so great for Lizzy and her hubby. They argued for three weeks after the baby was born about what to call him. Lizzy wanted to call him Juan and her hubby wanted to call him Mow.

10 Then Lizzy caught her hubby red handed as he was stealing some of the high priests’ mow and threatened to turn him into the priests if he didn’t let her call their baby Juan. So, of course he relented. Then he got really super high in order to hide is disappointment.

11 And as the relatives of Lizzy and her hubby dropped by to see the new baby they spoke amongst themselves that the baby looked nothing like his father, and instead remarkably resembled the post man.

12 Lizzy’s hubby didn’t really care what anyone said so long as he had some great mow layin’ around waiting to be smoked.

13 And Lizzy’s crazy aunt, Ida, declared that the new baby Juan would be a great priest, amongst the most high of the priests. That made Lizzy’s hubby laugh hysterically since he actually was quite high as well as a priest by trade.

14 Then Lizzy’s uncle, Borden, raised up his one hundred and five year old prune-wrinkled skin hands and said, This child Juan shall be a farmer of the greatest mow of the most high. It was then Lizzy’s hubby realized he was probably imagining most of what he was seeing and decided that bed was the best place for him to sleep off his high.

Chapter 3

1 So, the years passed and the young Juan grew. Thankfully, God was merciful and Lizzy’s hubby was able to shake the addiction of the holy mow, was promoted at work in his priestly duties, and had even found a nice mistress on the side.

2 Anyways, so Mary, who was the surrogate of God’s son Jesus, had given birth to the son of God right around the same time her relative Lizzy was giving birth to her son, Juan.

3 Now, Mary was a frugal bee-otch and decided that instead of giving birth at the local hospital where it would undoubtedly cost well over what she was willing to pay, she would hire a cheap midwife and have the baby at a local inn.

4 However, when Mary and Joseph went to check in at the inn they found that it had been over-booked and there were no rooms available; but Mary gave a damn since all she wanted was the baby out of her so she could give it to his father, God, and then leave.

5 The manager of the inn said they did have a small space available in the barn. One of the elderly cows owned by the inn had died from tuberculosis and her stall was now open and unoccupied.

6 So, Joseph changed out the hay in the stall, went and hired the midwife, and then stayed by Mary’s side while she squeezed out the spawn of God.

7 As soon as that ordeal was over Joseph took Mary to a private hospital in Bethlehem where she recuperated for one week.

8 The baby Mary had birthed, Jesus, was taken by God and given to the local orphanage to raise. From time to time God did visit his son and sent the orphanage money to pay for his schooling and other needs.

9 And the little baby Jesus grew into a bit of a bully of a child, filled with stubborn disregard for just about everything and everyone around him, insistent that since his own father was God then he, Jesus, was free to behave any way he wished to behave.

10 Then when Jesus was sixteen the orphanage took him on a fieldtrip to the Passover festivities. And when the fieldtrip was over Jesus ditched those in charge of the orphanage children and stayed behind while everyone else in his group returned to the orphanage.

11 When the orphanage called those in charge of the Passover festivities and heard that Jesus was still there and busy as a bee bossing the priests around they simply dropped all interest in getting Jesus back.

12 After all, Jesus was sixteen and more than old enough to fend for his own, especially since he was the son of God.

13 So, the orphanage washed its hands of Jesus, thanking God and all the angels that finally the little shit who had caused so many problems at the orphanage was finally gone.

14 And the man-child Jesus stayed at the High Priest’s quarters at the temple, kicking out the high priest who lived there on account that he, Jesus, was the son of God and could do whatever the hell he pleased to do.

15 And the priests at the temple did not complain and did not speak against Jesus, for not only were they scared to death of him and what he might do if he caught the slightest wind of them talking negatively about him,

16 But Jesus let them keep their blessed mow as long as they let him smoke some of it with them.  Also, Jesus allowed them to keep the daily ritual of smoking the mow at precisely twenty minutes past the hour of four in the afternoon each day.

17 It also turned out that Jesus had quite the green thumb and had personally developed a special blend of mow that caused the smoker of that mow to maintain their high for eight straight hours. This also suited the priests just fine.

Chapter 4

1 It was about the time that Jesus was thirty-three years old when Juan the bastard son of the post man and Lizzy fell on his head while working as a roofer.

2 When Juan regained consciousness he imagined himself to be a prophet of God and began to meander about the city and the countryside preaching a gospel that claimed that Jesus was damaged goods whether or not he was the son of God.

3 Juan claimed that Jesus abused his divine power by using it to control people through fear and spiritual bullying. And Juan said, Behold! Beware the one who claims to know the only way to God,

4 For he do be telling’ people that the holy cannot be holy without his name, that the righteous cannot be righteous without his name, and that the godly cannot be godly without his name. This shit be a lie!

5 For the way to God is within each man according to the individual’s understanding of the divine and the individual’s understanding of that which is love that comprises everything that is God.

6 At first Juan’s preaching did not bother Jesus in the least. Jesus figured that people would not take Juan seriously in a million years since the guy never took care of himself and looked like a hard luck bum with his Albert Einstein hairdo and his elephant turd smelling self.

7 But then the news started circulating that Juan had actually developed quite a following. At first the number was small and those who followed Juan did everything within their power to hide the fact that they followed what Juan preached.

8 And then things changed greatly. Juan and his followers began to rent billboards and posted giant signs claiming that the way that Jesus was behaving and what he was preaching were not only incorrect, but would totally damage the lives of anyone who followed them.

9 Soon Juan and his group began to get airtime on the local television news programs and the followers of Juan grew rapidly in number.

10 The last straw for Jesus was when members of the high priests’ staff and even a couple of the high priests themselves defected from the preaching and admonitions of Jesus and took up the teachings of Juan with great fervor.

11 Jesus took to the streets and began to teach his brand of salvation and repentance, which was to NOT repent,

12 And Jesus began a great campaign similar to that of the far right religious Republican politicians of America running for the office of President in order to steal votes from those they did not wish to occupy the White House,

13 For Jesus figured, incorrectly so, that if he became popular enough with the people, regained their trust, and appeared as though he really cared about them that surely they would cut their own throats and return to him and his absurd teachings.

14 Jesus was resolute in his thinking that the people would create some heavy wooden crosses or their own, clumsily pick them up, and then follow him, once again, with wanton abandon.

15 Jesus traveled his campaign circuit at a feverish pace, preaching the Gospel of Disaster to the masses that regularly trailed after him, baptizing those who followed him, and making them drunk with the words of his whacked out spiritual theories.

16 And one of the priests still working with Jesus asked him, Jesus, why have you been preaching the Gospel of Disaster? Are you not supposed to be teaching the Tenement Gospel?

17 And Jesus said, Hell no! I am going to preach what the masses enjoy the most, My campaign manager says that the majority of people prefer the Gospel of Disaster, for the Tenement Gospel requires too much of people. And the priest said to Jesus,

18 But doesn’t the Gospel of Disaster teach that there is pretty much no hope and everything and everyone is headed toward mega disaster? That there is nothing that can be done to make anything better? That like Nostradamus the Gospel of Disaster offers yet another depressing and hopeless fate of mankind? And Jesus said,

19 Duh! Winning! Why else do you think it is called the Gospel of Disaster? People love that kind of crap. They love to make movies and write books and have shows about how everything in the world and the universe is going to hell in a hand basket and can’t be saved.

20 And the priest asked, Then why preach something that offers no hope of changing anything for the better? And Jesus said,

21 Because, you ninny, people can do whatever they want and totally blame it on the End Times or some other crazy shit like that, don’t you see? It is an open permission slip to do whatever you want and claim that that is the way it was written a long time ago.

22 You can’t do that with the Tenement Gospel which encourages people to do things to make everything around them better. The Tenement Gospel preaches that people can make a good difference, a big difference and change things for the better.

23 Changing things for the better takes a lot of work, and I can guarantee you that most people do not want to do a lot of work. So, it is far easier to simply feed everyone a line of shit that says everything is going to hell,

24 For these people just love to scare themselves silly with the idea that there will be some gi-normous battle at a place called Armageddon, that the world and all of humanity will end, that all non-believers will have a great big shindig in the fires of hell, and that nothing can stop it from happening.

Chapter 5

1 And it came to pass that Caesar came into the town of Nazareth and while standing in line to buy an ice cream sandwich he heard Jesus on talk show radio spouting off about the Gospel of Disaster. And Caesar said,

2 Who the hell is this psycho preaching some craziness about the entire world coming to an end and everything going to hell? I need to talk to somebody about this crazy mutha, because if he is allowed to continue with his ravings I can see all kinds of trouble happening.

3 It was so that after Caesar had acquired his ice cream sandwich he sought the governor of the town and asked him who the hell this Jesus mutha was and why was he talking crazy shit.

4 And the governor said, Caesar, this crazy son of a bitch has been a thorn in my side since the Passover festivities about fifteen or so years ago when the orphanage he was traveling with totally ditched him here.

5 Caesar asked, What do you mean they ditched him here? You couldn’t send him back to them? And the governor answered,

6 Shit no! We called every damn day for a friggin’ week and all those muthas at the orphanage would say is that he is of a legal age to be on his own, the little shit. He musta caused some problems at the orphanage cause they sure as hell sounded glad to be rid of him.

7 Caesar asked, What is this crazy assed Gospel of Disaster that he is preaching? I heard some of it on the radio, and I gotta tell you I haven’t heard anything that goddamn crazy since Jimmy Swaggart’s tear-filled speech on how he had ‘sinned’.

8 The governor snorted laughter, Yeah, that was pretty crazy! But what about the second time he gave that speech and he was all cryin’ again and saying that he had sinned again! Hell, that was freakin’ classic comedy!

9 Caesar asked the governor, So how is it that this Jesus has so much control over the people? Can’t they figure it out for themselves that most of the crap he is saying is crap?

10 The governor answered, Well, apparently he has a lot of people pretty scared about the world ending in some gi-normous battle at some freakin’ place called Armageddon where there is supposed to be some end-of-all-time battle between good and evil.

11 And Caesar said, That sounds stupid. A battle where good and evil duke it out and all time ends? That is as stupid as stupid gets. Neither good or evil can win because the inverse of one is the description of the other. They freakin’ have to have each other in order to exist. If one goes, the other goes. Seriously, it would be like the night conquering the day, just not happening.

12 The governor shrugged and said, Try telling these people that. This Jesus has a lot of them believing every damn word he says. He tells them that they have to believe in him and the Gospel of Disaster in order to be saved. And Caesar asked,

13 Saved from what? From the ridiculous insanity of what he preaches?

14 No, answered the governor. Jesus has these people believing that if they believe in him that they can then be saved from the trials and the tribulations of the end of the world and all the scary stuff that is supposed to happen during that time,

15 Plus he has been telling people he is the son of God. He can do some pretty snazzy tricks like healing the sick, feeding thousands of people with only crumbs of food, and even walking on water. Maybe that’s why they believe he is the son of God.

16 Caesar looked incredulously at the governor and asked, Jesus really claims to be the son of God? Lots of people claim that. Hell, if people were more in tune to the universe they would know we are all sons of God. That claim is nothing new.

17 The governor said, Well, Jesus has them thinking it is something that no one has ever said before, but maybe it is the fact that he can do things that most people don’t even have a clue that they could do if they put their minds to it.

18 Caesar nodded and said, That could be. Either way we have to come up with a plan to deal with this guy before he gets everybody’s panties in a bunch. The last thing we need is chaos because people think all of existence is coming to an end.

19 And so it came to pass that Caesar and the governor of Nazareth put their heads together in an effort to formulate a plan to deal with the man who was preaching the insanity of the Gospel of Disaster and scaring the hell out of people. Jesus.

Chapter 6

1 It came to pass that Caesar and the governor formulated a plan in order to try to deal with the man everyone knew as Jesus.

2 The plan was one that would definitely involve bloodshed, but Caesar figured if he could do something to put the fear of God into people then maybe they would be a little less inclined to follow people of the likes of Jesus, troublemaker that he was.

3 Since the time of the Passover was coming upon the area and since Caesar had a hankering for a couple of good old fashioned crucifixions he decided to deal with Jesus in this manner:

4 He would arrange for a special celebration at the Passover Fair and Carnival. On the very last day of the celebrations there would be a great debate to be held on the Great Pavilion. The debate would be between Jesus and Juan.

5 Caesar decided that whomever lost the debate would be the one to suffer the loser’s prize of a crucifixion. He hoped to hell it would be Jesus.

6 When Caesar’s men approached Jesus and Juan with the invitations they were surprised at the eagerness with which both Jesus and Juan accepted the upcoming debate. Jesus was sure he would crush Juan, and Juan was equally sure he would crush Jesus.

7 The moderators of the debate would be Caesar and the regional governor who would each be asking questions of both Jesus and Juan. Neither Jesus nor Juan would be informed of the nature of the questions they were to be asked.

8 All of Nazareth and the surrounding areas became excited with the approaching date of the great debate. Great billboards be-speckled the city and the countryside. Most of the television and radio commercials were about the debate.

9 The night before the debate Caesar had invited the governor over to his place for dinner and a discussion of what they would be asking the debate participants. And Caesar said to the governor,

10 I don’t know about you, but I am going to ask Jesus the most difficult questions because, speaking frankly, I would rather have to deal with that loony bin Juan for the rest of my life that have to deal with that moron Jesus. The governor nodded and said,

11 Yeah, I know what you mean. I have had about all I can take when it comes to Jesus. Do you know a couple of weeks ago he convinced about three hundred people that the Rapture was going to take place at dawn?

12 So, not only do these pancakes believe him, but they dress in white robes, stand on top of buildings, and hurl themselves off of the buildings they stood on in an effort to made their rapture easier for God. You’d think God wouldn’t need the help.

13 Caesar looked confused and asked the governor, What do you mean that pancakes believed what he was saying? How does that correlate with the ding dongs that follow him? The governor smiled and said,

14 Pancakes, when used in a reference outside of breakfast, refers to flat and brainless people. Flat meaning no detectible brainwaves whatsoever. Caesar burst out laughing and even the servants catering to their masters could not suppress smiles.

15 Then Caesar said, Let us compare notes on the questions we will  be asking them. This way we won’t be asking the same questions over and over. Then the governor said,

16 Well, we should have at least three or four questions that are the same. The first reason for this is because Jesus absolutely hates things repeated over and over. Seriously, it drives him nuts. I think doing what we can to push his buttons can only help our cause.

17 The second reason for having redundant questions is to judge whether or not their answers have varied at all from the first time they answered a question. If their second answer varies from the first, well, we hone in on that and attack it.

18 That is a good point, mused Caesar.

19 Besides, added the governor, If repeating stuff gets to Jesus the way people say it does we should exploit that to the absolute fullest. I mean, we both want to be rid of the little pest so why don’t we do everything in our power to ensure that Jesus gets the grand prize?

20 Look, let us make it a point to purposely ask Jesus all of the repeat questions. In fact, forget asking Juan repeat questions. He isn’t the one we really want to be rid of. Let’s focus on Jesus.

Chapter 7

1 Then it came to pass that on the day of the great debate that the city and the surrounding areas were abuzz with excitement.

2 All store shops were closing earlier than usual, children were being let out of school earlier, women gave birth earlier, and all government offices were closed.

3 Now the pavilion in the city of Nazareth was gi-normous and could seat eighty-thousand people, and on the day of the debate every seat was taken.

4 Some of the spectators were so eager to watch the debate that in order to make sure they got a seat they camped out on the sidewalk near the pavilion for three days and three nights,

5 Kinda like those loser space trek movie addicts who camp outside a movie theater to be the first to get tickets to what is more than likely going to be another loser outer space movie about some final frontier that no one really gives a good goddamn about anymore.

6 When the time had finally arrived to begin the debate Caesar rose, motioned the crowd silent, and then spoke, saying,

7 This special event is a debate with questions asked by myself and the governor. In an effort to be absolutely fair with both participants neither debating individual has been given access to the questions formulated. We will not be timing answers.

8 When all questions have been asked the panel will take a short recess and then vote on who they think won. The winner will receive a new car and a house in Hampton, while the loser receives immediate crucifixion. Let the debate begin.

9 Caesar sat back down at a long mahogany table where the governor was already sitting. Since Caesar outranked him, the governor would not be asking the first question. That privilege belonged to Caesar. The crowd grew silent as Caesar asked the first question,

10 Jesus, this question is for you. Tell me, what do you consider to be the biggest drawback of institutionalized religion? Jesus answered,

11 I would say that the biggest drawback of institutionalized religion is the fact that parishioners frequently become quite a burden to the pastors. I mean, the pastors have lives of their own, so why the hell do they need to be dumped on by the people?

12 People lay way to much upon the priests during confession. I am sorry, father. I have done this. Or, I am sorry, father. I have done that. Then on top of all that they want forgiveness. I mean, what the fuck? Right?

13 The people are always making more work for the priests and pastors and whatever else people call them these days. Jesus nodded, indicating he was done answering his question. Caesar turned to Juan and said,

14 Juan the Baptist, do you have any response either to the original question or to Jesus’ response? Juan ‘a-hemmed’ behind his podium microphone and then said,

15 Yes, Caesar, sir. Jesus’ answer made no goddamn sense whatsoever. The problem with institutionalized religion is that each denomination tries to pressure people into believing that their particular spin on God is the only correct one.

16 It encourages rifts and fights between different beliefs and denominations and is not very tolerant to the fact that people are free to believe in God whichever way they want, or not believe in God at all. It uses fear and End Times theories to scare people into believing what they want them to believe in and to control them.

17 Juan nodded, indicating that he was done giving his answer. The governor then glanced briefly at the papers in front of him, then looked up at Juan and said,

18 Juan the Baptist, this question is for you. What are the seven deadly sins? Juan smiled and answered,

19 The seven deadly sins are greed, anger, envy, gluttony, lust, sloth, and eating anything made out of tofu. Juan nodded. The governor looked to Jesus and said,

20 Jesus, do you have a response either to the original question or to the answer given by Juan?

21 Jesus answered, Of course I do. The seven deadly sins are having no cable television, drinking cheap and flat beer, using the five second rule in a hospital, eating anything without adequate sugar and salt amounts, dieting, singing in the shower, and endorsing any legislation aimed at keeping marijuana illegal. Jesus nodded.

22 Caesar shuffled the papers before him and then said, Juan the Baptist, this question is for you. What is the basic teaching of the Tenement Gospel? Juan answered,

23 The Tenement Gospel teaches every person to recognize the creative power within them, the God power within them, and to take that power and do something good and wonderful and great with it. The Tenement Gospel teaches infinity hope, love, and choices. Juan nodded.

24 Caesar nodded in satisfaction and motioned the governor with his hand. The governor said, Jesus, this question is for you. What does the Gospel of Disaster teach?

25 And Jesus said, The Gospel of Disaster teaches the truth and the reality of everything, of the word, of the universe, and the end of all time. There is no hope to avoid the end of the world bullshit. It is gonna happen whether or not you want it to,

26 And so, the Gospel of Disaster does not sugarcoat everything with false ideas of hope and the choice to change current situations and the future. Face it, ya’ll best be believing in the Gospel of Disaster, else you are gonna find yourselves in the thick of the tribulation. Everything you know and everything that anyone has ever known will end with lots of fire. Jesus nodded.

27 Then Caesar said, Juan the Baptist, this question is for you. Is there an actual, factual place called hell where there is a lake that is literally made out of fire, and where all unbelievers as well as those of unacceptable faiths are placed in judgment by God?

28 Juan answered, No. Of course there is no such place. It is purely a made up story, one that changes with the times mind you,

29 And in addition, this stupid story is used with wanton abandon in an effort to scare people into believing in whatever religious theory the people who use the bullshit hell story are peddling. Control can be a great and terrible control mechanism,

30 And such is what is at work when people try to convert others by telling them they will go to hell and perish forever if they do not believe in a certain way. It is crap, plain and simple. Juan nodded.

31 Jesus gave Caesar a smoldering glare and said, I sure as hell hope you are going to allow me to rebut that dumb asshole’s answer. Of course, said Caesar, motioning in an inviting gesture.

32 Well, Jesus began, First of all, of course hell is a real place. It really does burn like a gigantic lake filled with fire. Juan interrupted, saying,

33 And you know this because you have seen so many lakes filled with fire, right? Juan had spoken out of turn and Caesar immediately warned him, saying,

34 You will respect your opponent when he is answering. You got me, Juan? Because if you interrupt him again, no matter how much truth is in what you have to say you will automatically forfeit the debate and be crucified immediately. Got it? Are we making the full connection here?

35 Got it, gulped Juan. Jesus continued with his answer,

36 As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, there is a real, actual lake filled with fire where all unbelievers and all people of unaccepted faiths will spend their eternity in judgment,

37 And people in the Lake of Fire will deserve their fate to be roasted forever, because while they were alive they had every chance to believe in the way they were supposed to believe and they made the decision not to,

38 For such people simply wanted the joys and pleasures here on earth and did not prepare for life with God in eternity. They snoozed, and in doing so ended up losing. Jesus nodded. Caesar then motioned in invitation and said, have you a rebuttal, Juan the Baptist?

39 Oh, you betcha I have a rebuttal! Exclaimed Juan. First of all, any belief or faith that operates on a believe-this-or-else philosophy is fuckin’ whack, alright? That type of philosophy operates on fear and not faith, automatically invalidating it.

40 There is not literal hell. Shee-it. There never was. Now there can be situations or moments in time or places that are hellish, but that is purely one of the results that occurs when people do the things that they do to each other.

41 But even that can be changed by people treating each other better. Hell is not permanent. It is not a permanent place to keep people permanently in order that they be tortured permanently.

42 However, the Gospel of Disaster would have you and everyone else in the world believe that if you do not believe in God in a kid tested, mother approved, acceptable manner then you are going to burn in the Lake of Fire forever. It’s a bunch of shit. Juan nodded.

43 Caesar looked at Jesus and said, Jesus this question is for you. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Jesus looked perplexed and then said,

44 I don’t fuckin’ know that. Who the hell knows something like that? Why don’t you have Mister Baptist there tell you.

45 Caesar looked at Juan, and Juan spoke, saying, A woodchuck can chuck as much wood as he sees fit. Juan nodded. Jesus looked at him quizzically and said,

46 That was your answer? What are you, nuts? As much as he sees fit? That was a stupid fuckin’ answer from a stupid fuckin’ man, geeze! Know that there is help available, Juan. Seek it. Juan was nonplussed by Jesus’ remarks and said,

47 Well, Bozo, it was a stupid fuckin’ question. At least I gave an answer.

48 Then the governor said, Jesus this question is for you. Is there only one God? Jesus snickered and said,

49 Of course there is only one God. Don’t you guys ever read religious texts that make this clear? Whether their words say, “No other gods before me”, or, “There is only one God and one mediator”, the point is made that there is only one God. Jesus nodded.

50 The governor asked Juan, Have you a rebuttal? Juan nodded emphatically,

51 Oh, you know I do. There is not only one God. And in all actuality God isn’t a person. God is an ‘everything’, the ‘stuff’ that binds us and all things in the universe together. There are many things that make up what God is,

52 But what God is not is some great male supreme being who directs everything and makes things happen, or not happen. There is no great supreme being demanding people to believe in a particular manner so that they can save their souls. There is no God ready and willing to put all non-believers in some hell.

53 There are many expressions of God. In fact, each one of us, each human is an expression and realization of God and everything that God is, containing within ourselves the creative power to do either great things, or not so great things. That is up to the individual.

54 There are many people who prefer to reference God as though God were a person. For some reason there are a lot of people who seem to understand God better this way, but what they don’t understand is that kind of view screws up all kinds of shit.

55 Trying to view all that makes up what God is in a singular type of thinking closes the individual’s mind and heart and soul to the abstract nature and composition of God.

56 Ancient civilizations understood this well, and their rich array of gods is testament to this fact. They had sun gods, moon gods, gods of the stars, gods of harvest, gods of war, gods of peace, gods of fertility…shee-it. They had gods for everything,

57 For they understood that God is not a singular person and is certainly more than the simple trinity that so many dogmas teach these days. And speaking of the trinity and the ideas of there being only one God, the Gospel of Disaster screws up on that too,

58 For those who profess the Gospel of Disaster are trying to make their cake and eat it as well. They cannot say that there is only one God, then say that that one God consists of three separate expressions of God, and then say that religious traditions that celebrate many expressions of God are false,

59 For then they are really saying to do as they say and not as they do. No other gods before me? Sure. What fuckin’ ever, man. They have one God that is tri faceted. They have God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit.

60 It is no different than other polytheistic practices and dogmas throughout the history of man. The exception is that the Gospel of Disaster is a proponent of the trinity, a God of only three parts, while many other religions have many, many, sometimes hundreds of gods.

61 Now if you lump all gods from all cultures and religions and faiths, if you do that what you have is the whole, the entirety of the expressions of the singular term ‘God’. And that is why the phrase that says that all paths lead to God is totally legit.

Chapter 8

1 Juan nodded and Jesus said, Well damn. That was one of the longest explanations ever for a question that was for all intents and purposes a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. But, hey. Don’t lose that faith. Juan made a face at Jesus and said,

2 It would be highly unjust to answer such a question with a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ only.

3 Then did Caesar speak again, Juan the Baptist, This next question is for you. In the scriptures of old, Abram is ordered by God to sacrifice his son in order that he show God his loyalty. Can the idea of sacrifice be rectified with faith and a show of loyalty?

4 Juan took a sip of wine from his goblet and then answered, I do not believe that sacrifice can be rectified with faith. Faith can stand quite well in and of its own and certainly does not need the sorrow and bloodshed of sacrifice to be strong and true.

5 Throughout history humanity has clung to the notion that in order for there to be anything of great value, especially spiritually, there must be some kind of sacrifice. Faith is also very close in its function to love,

6 And I assure you it is true that the stronger a person’s love the greater their faith. Now, the emotions that are a part of what love and faith are do not include fear and bloodshed and murder.

7 While it is true that loyalty is often tested, true and valid tests of loyalty are never murderous or harmful. Loyalty can be measured by the depth of an individuals heart and spiritual understanding.

8 Any faith or belief that preaches human sacrifice, even if that sacrifice is not followed through, is not worthy of any person’s devotion and faith. True faith and loyalty do not require destructive action of any type.

9 And, a faith that asks or requires those who adhere to it to do things that are not loving or beneficial or nurturing is not a worthy faith. Telling someone to do something horrible, like kill their son, in order to show their loyalty is complete and absolute lunacy.

10 The Gospel of Disaster travels great lengths to try to convince people that in order to experience or acquire good things in life or in death there must be sacrifice and suffering and all kinds of shit like that. It is a load of shit, pure and simple. It just isn’t true.

11 Lots of good can be accomplished and accumulated the more loving and compassionate people treat each other. The idea of sacrifice is fuckin’ stupid from every single angle that you can view it from, and it is indicative of a very bloodthirsty, twisted, tyrannical God. Juan nodded. Caesar asked Jesus,

12 Jesus, do you have a rebuttal? Yes I do, said Jesus. Sacrifice is important because whoever is in charge, well, they need to know exactly how far people will go in order to get things done, or to obey. Sacrifice is necessary to obedience.

13 Sacrifice can also build trust, you know. If you ask a guy to do the ultimate and he does so without hesitation you can be sure to trust him implicitly. Sacrifice keeps people in line and from straying off the path chosen for them. Jesus nodded.

14 Then did the governor ask Juan, Juan the Baptist, does love conquer all, and where does love stand in relation to God? And Juan said,

15 Love is the main ingredient in what makes the world and the universe go ‘round. Without love you cannot have courage, hope, peace, faith, compassion, healing, accomplishment, intrinsic value, and a positive extrinsic view.

16 Love does not pick and choose those who are worthy of its attentions. Love is not stingy. Love is not possessive and does not take sides. Love does not have mood swings. Love is ultimate understanding.

17 And it is true that love conquers all, but you have to let it. Now, when it comes to the relationship between love and God you must first understand that God is love. Since God is love it stands to reason that God possesses all of love’s traits. So,

18 If God is love then God is also courageous, compassionate, does not take sides, is forgiving, and so on and so forth. That very fact is the clearest indicator that people have it all wrong, or at least a good portion wrong, when it comes to faith.

19 For if God possesses all the traits of love then God would never, ever condemn anyone to some hell or fire-filled lake, would never deny salvation or spiritual blessings to anyone based on whether or not their faith or lack of faith qualifies for the benefits of love,

20 Would never, ever even think about measuring the loyalty and honesty of anyone with fucked up little tests and scenarios that ask for sacrifice, and would never in a million years withhold the love and the joy that comes with love just because an individual loves a person of the same sex,

21 For love really does conquer all, and this includes gender. God is love, so God also conquers all, and this includes any kind of hopelessly depressing fate of mankind as so reported by the Gospel of Disaster. Juan nodded. The governor asked Jesus,

22 Jesus, do you have a rebuttal? Oh yes, said Jesus. See, Juan over there thinks that love has to mean that everyone can do their thing and everything will come out just fine in the end.

23 That is stupid. That sounds like the idiot parents who don’t spank their kids in hopes that sooner or later they will start behaving. Love does conquer all, but it must be the love of God, ‘aight?

24 It must be the love that is approved by God and in God and for God and to God. The love of God is not what man says it is. It is what God says it is.

25 Juan interrupted Jesus and said, Caesar, sir, forgive this interruption, but I must ask this question before I forget it. Jesus, you say it is the love approved by God. How do you know what love is approved by God?

26 Jesus furrowed his brow and asked Juan, What do you mean how do I know? It is written in the spiritual scriptures of God. Juan smiled and asked Jesus,

27 Tell me Jesus, who wrote those scriptures? Who wrote down what love is or is not approved by God? Jesus answered,

28 Holy men and women who were approved by God to be infused with his understanding, who were inspired by God to write everything that God wanted them to so that all people would know what God wants of them. Juan nodded and then asked Jesus,

29 So, then in all actuality the information of what love is approved by God was written by regular people, right? Jesus shook his head,

30 No. You are not understanding. The people who wrote these holy scriptures were inspired by God to write what they wrote, you see? They were not writing their own words. Juan nodded again, apparently in deep thought. Then Juan said,

31 I just find it to be a mite unsettling that, one, according to you God has to approve of people in order for whatever they have to say to be valid. I mean, how do you know someone has been approved by God? They tell you they have been approved by God. God doesn’t tell you, they tell you. So, what is actually happening is that they are telling you that God has told them to tell you that they are approved. How stupid is that?

32 Two, that God for some reason or other feels the need to inform people of what love is as if they cannot know or experience love without such information from God,

33 And three, that God is always choosing regular human beings to relay to the rest of humanity what he wants. Why doesn’t he just tell people himself and save some time and trouble? But, hey, who am I to question anything. I’m just a regular guy.

34 Juan nodded and then smiled at Jesus and said, Please, continue with what you were saying. Jesus rolled his eyes and said,

35 I would love to continue where I left off, but thanks to you I have totally and completely lost my train of thought. Next question, please. Caesar cleared his throat and then said,

36 Jesus, this question is for you and has two parts to it. Are religious scriptures the words of God, and, who wrote them? Jesus took a drag off of his cigarette and then said,

37 Well, that depends which religious scriptures you are referring to. I mean, lots of people claim to have scriptures inspired by God, but really there is only one set of religious scriptures that are the words of God and inspired by God.

38 You see, the true words of God very clearly state that there will be false doctrines and false teachings that will promise people many things. Some people will claim that more than just one set of religious scriptures are true. Some will even claim that they are all true.

39 The truth and validity of the Gospel of Disaster is quite real. In many, many verses in the Gospel of Disaster as well as in its predecessor of older scriptures, The Sins of the Fathers, the truth and validity of such is made known.

40 For example, in the scriptures of old, The Sins of the Fathers, one of the major prophets says that there is only one God and one Creator who knew of everyone even before the foundations of the world were made.

41 The scriptures of old also say that there is only one God to be worthy of worship, one God more powerful than all the others, and one God who allows victory to all those who follow his word.

42 In the Gospel of Disaster, the second and newer set of religious scriptures of God, it very clearly states that there is one mediator and one God, one salvation and one redemption, one truth and one path, and one life and one death.

43 It also very clearly states that all people one receive one chance, one life in which they have the freewill to choose between following the tenets of God in the Gospel of Disaster, or following the ways of the world to death in hell.

44 Now, God reveals himself to whomever he chooses to reveal his wisdom. He spoke to Mosey in the form of a burning bush. He spoke to king David through his heart. He spoke to Jacob through an angel.

45 He spoke to Balaam through a donkey. He spoke to Jeanne Dixon through a crystal ball. He spoke to Rosita Julieta Maria Lolita Gonzales de Leon through a ham sandwich. God works in mysterious ways. Not everyone is going to understand why he chooses the people he chooses to reveal his words. Jesus nodded.

46 Caesar wrote down a few notes and then said to Juan, Juan the Baptist, do you have any rebuttal? Juan wiggled his eye brows and smiled broadly and said,

47 Yes. I have a rebuttal statement to make. Jesus, you say the scriptures of the Gospel of Disaster are the only true holy scriptures and definitely the words of God as so relayed by chosen individuals. Then when you are asked to validate this you are basically saying to read what they wrote. You offer no outside verification of any type,

48 For according to you, the verification that you use to prove that the scriptures you claim to be valid are actually valid is within the very same text that those supposedly chosen by God were inspired to write.

49 Tell me how that is supposed to work, how can you use your own scriptures to validate your scriptures? Seriously, run it by me again, because it makes no mother fuckin’ sense whatsoever.

50 And the proof that you provide to show that those who wrote your scriptures really were inspired by God? Why, that is in the very same scriptures. This is easier to pick apart than a goddamn circular argument, because it never goes anywhere. Shee-it.

51 Seriously. There is no need for me or anyone else to argue the validity of your religious scriptures, because the fact that you cannot even provide real, valid evidence of any type automatically makes that unnecessary. Juan laughed and said,

52 I just can’t seem to get over the idiocy of it all. Here we go again with those who preach the Gospel of Disaster wanting to have the cake and eat it as well. What about the scriptures I follow, the Tenement Gospel? Are they fake or real?

53 Those individuals who wrote the Tenement Gospel claim to have been inspired by God, and the Tenement Gospel even says within itself, just like your Gospel of Disaster does, that it was written by people inspired by God. Are the scriptures I study fake or real?

54 Now, there are some big differences. The Tenement Gospel does not claim to be the only truth and the only divinely inspired scripture like the Gospel of Disaster claims. Does this make the Tenement Gospel fake or real?

55 The Tenement Gospel does not claim that there is only one God that is accessible only through the words of the Tenement Gospel alone. The Tenement Gospel and its understanding of God does not endorse the view that there is only one life and one death for each person. Does this make the Tenement Gospel fake or real?

56 Neither does the Tenement Gospel claim that all people only get one chance find God and the truth and the love of God. The Tenement Gospel does not teach of an end of humanity, but rather it gives the possibilities of what could and could not happen,

57 What may and may not happen, and what can and cannot be based on the decisions and attitudes and actions and intentions of people and individuals,

58 For you see, the greatest difference between the Gospel of Disaster and the Tenement Gospel is there is no freewill in the Gospel of Disaster. Does this make the Tenement Gospel fake or real? Does this make the Tenement Gospel any less of a divine inspiration than your Gospel of Disaster?

59 The Gospel of Disaster says to chose this way or die. Period. But the Tenement Gospel offers freewill again, and again, and again. Does this make its message any less powerful or legitimate?

60 The Tenement Gospel says that no matter what life the individual lives, no matter how old their soul is, no matter where they are in history a person makes choices and grows from those choices,

61 And with each life the individual increases their understanding and wisdom in God and in everything that comprises what God is. Now, do any of these things make the Tenement Gospel any more fake or any less real than the Gospel of Disaster?

62 Ya’ll think your Gospel of Disaster is so O.P. Then when people challenge its validity or ask you for proof if its validity you say that having faith in the real God is having faith that the Gospel of Disaster is truth,

63 In addition, you crazy fuckers go and say that questioning, or even thinking of questioning the validity of the Gospel of Disaster is a sure sign that the Devil or Satan or some other dreamed up spiritual villain is trying to poison a person against God. You say to just believe, since that is what faith is by definition.

64 Of course, when prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster are harassing people of other faiths, what do they do? They ask for proof. That’s right.

65 They ask for proof that whatever religious text a person reads or follows, or whatever religious ceremonies and prayers are practiced, whatever spells are cast, and anything else that is different or contrary to the Gospel of Disaster, well, you crazy muthas want proof.

66 And what happens when these people tell you it is a matter of faith? Do you listen to them and believe them and remember in your own mind that you also practice your religion as a matter of faith?

67 Nope, you sure as shit don’t. All you end up doing is accusing such people of being fooled by some demon or devil, being misled by practices that make promises of great power, and being completely disobedient to the real God and the real faith.

68 You crazy muthas are the epitome of that saying of the pot calling the kettle black. You think you know faith, but you wouldn’t even know your ass from a hole in the ground even if you stepped in it.

62 Juan stared at Jesus a moment longer and then looked to Caesar. Juan nodded.

Chapter 9

1 It came to pass that after a short potty break the debate resumed. The governor turned to Jesus and said,

2 Jesus of Nazareth, this question is for you. If it is true that the just live by faith and not by good works, why do those who preach the Gospel of Disaster put so much emphasis on the works of a person’s faith? Jesus lit a cigarette, took a drag, and then said,

3 The just do live by faith because they believe, they have faith that the things they are doing by God and for God are the right things to do. Caesar interrupted Jesus, saying,

4 So, you’re saying that they live by the faith that they are believing in and doing the right things according to their God? Jesus nodded. Caesar asked, And how is that different from believing one is saved by works? Jesus took a long drag off his cigarette and said,

5 Because they have faith that what is written in the scriptures of God in the Gospel of Disaster is truth and nothing but the truth. Caesar held up his hand in a stopping motion and said,

6 So then they simply believe that the scriptures of God, as you so put it, are the truth…the one truth? Jesus nodded, then added, But they can’t just say they have faith that the scriptures are true. They also have to do what the scriptures say to do. Caesar looked thoughtful for a moment and then asked,

7 Again I ask you, how is that different from believing you are saved by works? And Jesus said,

8 Look, you aren’t listening. See, lots of people from other religions and so-called scriptural truths think that they can buy their way into the good graces of God by doing good things like feeding the hungry and housing the poor,

9 Giving free medical care to the sick and dying, teaching people how to read and write in places where there are no schools, cleaning up cities and towns, helping people to get off of drugs and to get help for mental disorders, stuff like that.

10 But none of those things can save these people from the wicked sinners that they are. Their pride has them thinking that because they are doing these things that are so good, things that lots of people cannot do, then somehow they are better than everyone else and are saved from eternal damnation.

11 However, if they do not believe in the true scriptures of God’s sovereign word then it does not matter how many good things they do because they will still go to hell. See, it is like this, ‘aight?

12 Simply being a good person is not enough, because stuff like that is all from pride anyway. People don’t do goodness all on their own unless they want something like recognition,

13 For only when a person believes only in the true scriptures of God and worships in the manner as so described in the scriptures of God and follows all of the tenets of faith as so set forth in the scriptures of God are they truly saved. The governor raised his eyes in a skeptical expression and asked Jesus,

14 So, basically unless someone has complete and total faith in the so-called scriptures of God only, believes in the way that the scriptures of God say only, and does whatever the scriptures of God say only, then they are not saved from hell? Jesus nodded,

15 Yes. That is correct. You finally get it. People have to do exactly what God wants or else they are not saved from eternal damnation. The governor smiled, took a sip of wine from his goblet and then asked Jesus,

16 Are you saying that in order to know what God wants them to do people must read and follow what is written in the Gospel of Disaster, scripture that was written by many different people over many hundreds of years, all claiming to be under the influence of God’s inspiration?

17 And then of course in order to be sure they are receiving the correct interpretation of the so-called true words of God people must do as instructed to do by people claiming to be inspired by the true God in order that they can understand and properly translate the true words of God written down by God inspired people? Jesus sighed,

18 For Pete’s sake, yes! How many times do you want me to repeat myself? Shit! I am trying to tell you these things in plain language, but here you guys are playing semantics and talking in circles. Fuck-a-duck, man. You’re makin’ me crazy.

19 Jesus continued to smoke his cigarette. The governor look at him with amusement for just a moment longer and then turned to Juan and said, Juan the Baptist, do you have any rebuttal? Juan smiled,

20 No, governor, sir. I think what Jesus said pretty much covers anything I would have had to say on the subject. The governor nodded and said,

21 Okay then. We will move on to the next question. Juan the Baptist, this question is for you. What do you think of the claim made by those who preach the Gospel of Disaster that their God is a perfect being and is loving? Juan looked thoughtful then said,

22 Well, I suppose I will address the perfection claim and the loving claim in separate answers if that is okay? Caesar nodded in approval.

23 Personally, I think that the idea of the God of those who preach the Gospel of Disaster being a perfect being does not make any sense when held up in contrast to their written scriptures.

24 How can a perfect God, a perfect Creator make actions or decisions that result in the creation of imperfect beings or things? It simply cannot happen. It makes no sense whatsoever. Think of this as I give you an example, alright?

25 Say that a man and a woman come together and have a child. Say that the child turns out to be suffering from leukemia by the time it is five. Now, not only will any doctor tell you this, but science can prove that in order for that child to suffer the leukemia,

26 There must first exist within the genes of the child a propensity, a genetic anomaly, something that predispositions the child with the possibility of manifesting the disease.

27 Now it may be the mother or the father who was the carrier for the diseased gene and passed it down to the child. It does not have to be the mother or the father, though.

28 It could very well be a grandparent or great-grandparent that contributed the gene. Either way you look at it, someone up on the genetic creation line had that gene for that disease. The dominant gene for the disease did not pop into the child’s body all on its own.

29 See, if the God of the Gospel of Disaster and all those who preach it was perfect he could not have created imperfect beings. Neither could the beings he supposedly created create imperfect beings or situations because they would not have that gene, dominant or recessive.

30 You cannot have imperfection from pure perfection. It just does not happen. And of course there are those who claim that the perfect God created humanity with freewill and the beings that were created with the freewill used it for ill means.

31 Those who preach the Gospel of Disaster will have everyone believe that after the perfect God created man, man fucked everything up by abusing his freewill and disobeying God. This is a stupid assertion,

32 For a perfect God cannot create defective creations. Even if his creation has freewill he will only have the desire to choose things that are perfect. Because of that, guess what? Man would not have been able to choose to be disobedient to God.

33 Man would not have been able to go against the command to stay away from the bad tree in the crazy story of the Garden of Eden, because disobedience is a defective action.

34 So, God cannot be perfect unless you look at God not as a being, but as an everything, something within which everything exists. In that case the perfection of God would be the fact that there is ultimate access to everything and all things everywhere.

35 Following that line of thinking, then at that point, yes, man would have definite access to everything, all choices, all scenarios. And when man uses his freewill properly to infuse love in everything he does and everywhere he goes,

36 Well then he exhibits his access to perfection by proper use of his freewill. This can only be so if God is viewed as an everything that binds together all that is in the universe.

37 It absolutely cannot be that a being, God, with a personality and all that is perfection pouring forth from him, it cannot be that he created an imperfect being. If he did,

38 Why that would mean that God himself was created by imperfection. So, it cannot be as those who preach the Gospel of Disaster claim. It simply cannot be that a perfect personality, a perfect being created man.

39 Now, when it comes to the God of the Gospel of Disaster being a loving God, hell, that is even a bigger laugh than the assertion that this same God is perfect.

40 Of course there are those fervent zealots who will say that God has made sacrifices for man and this proves his perfect love for man.

41 Then when you point out to these muthas’ that there are people dying of hunger and disease and murder and mayhem, well then they say that is simply a direct result of the evil nature of man and the degeneration of the present age.

42 What-fuckin’-ever, man. Go back five thousand fucking years and you will see the same goddamn thing, right? Suffering and hunger and anguish. What is the answer to that, huh? A sign of the degeneration of the age? How long is the age they are talking about?

43 When you point out this discrepancy they inevitably say that time for God is simply not the same as it is for man. A thousand years to us is a day for God, or some crap like that.

44 But see, this explanation does not fit, because if these folks realize that they believe God to be eternal then they also have to realize there is not time with God precisely for the reason that God is eternal.

45 Eternity cannot recognize time, only events. So, look there. No more half assed explanation to try to squeeze the time puzzle piece to fit wherever they want it to. Now then,

46 Does a loving God allow ninety percent of the native populations of North, Central, and South America to be either butchered or die horrible deaths brought on by diseases transferred by assholes who were trying to take over land that was not their own?

47 It was not just tens of millions that died horribly. It was hundreds of millions. And when you tell this to proponents of the Gospel of Disaster what do they say? They say it was their God’s will and part of some big fuckin’ plan.

48 Some plan, huh? How about all the little babies of the world that are born dead or deformed horribly? How about people who are born mentally retarded, huh? Tell me how the fuck-a-purple-duck that qualifies for this grand plan of some loving God?

49 How about when terrorists blow themselves up and take a whole bunch of other people with them? What about when people are murdered and raped and kidnapped? What about when people are falsely imprisoned?

50 How about when you have dictators of countries killing their own people, or any people for that reason to either make people obey or to exercise a little ethnic cleansing? Is all of that part of some big dumbass plan to save humanity?

51 Are you familiar with the phrase that you can catch more flies with honey? Do you think the God of the Gospel of Disaster understands this concept? Because I bet you could get a whole lot more people in humanity to behave better if instead of encouraging really shitty stuff to happen your God encouraged great, beautiful things to happen. Right?

52 But of course the proponents of the Gospel of Disaster will tell you that all of that is a plan, a grand plan of God that has been specially formulated to give people the specific choice of going to hell or not going to hell.

53 These same muthas will tell you that when something bad or sad or unhappy happens that the God of the one, true set of scriptures is simply testing you. How seriously deluded and fucked up is that line of logic?

54 That would be like a science teacher telling the kids to study for an exam the next day. The students all study science, but when they receive the test it is not science but history, something completely different. And what does the teacher say?

55 I am just testing you. Never mind that there was no reason to mislead or misdirect the students. Teachers are supposed to help their students pass, not fuck them up on purpose. That is not a sign of a good teacher if they do screwy stuff like that.

56 But that is precisely what the proponents of the Gospel of Disaster teach. Not long ago there was a local father whose daughter was killed by a Centurion. What had that man or his daughter done in order to have something so terrible happen to them?

57 They had not done anything wrong. They were members of a wonderful family who were very giving and devoted to helping those in the community who really did need help the most.

58 When the father was walking home from the funeral of his daughter a proponent of the Gospel of Disaster said to him to not worry, that God was only testing him. I witnessed this with my own eyes and I tell you I wanted to punch the little fucker’s eyes right out of his head.

59 You know what the father said to the man? The father said that the proponent did not know or understand God, but that his daughter knew and that even he himself knew what God was, not who, but what,

60 And that the reason his daughter was killed had dick to do with some sadistic God testing faith or loyalty in some big booger of a grand plan, but rather had everything to do with the Centurion not knowing or understanding God, and therefore could not stop himself from his deed.

61 But none of that means anything to those who hold so fiercely to a faith that is for all intents and purposes a very bloodthirsty, thieving, misleading, and unfulfilling faith.

62 Proponents of such a horrid and harmful and hateful spirit of faith would have you and everyone else in this universe believe that when entire populations are slaughtered by marauders, that when diseases ravage the body,

63 That when tidal waves wash away entire cities and villages, that when people murder and maim each other, that when earthquakes and volcanoes destroy huge portions of civilizations,

64 That when wild animals come a take people away into the night, that when mighty wars are fought, that all of that was simply to teach humans lessons. All of these horrible things are for purposes of turning people to believe what some individual God somewhere wants them to believe.

65 That is not loving. Not in any way, shape, or form is anything of such a nature  reminiscent of such behavior indicative of a loving, caring, compassionate, just God. And you know something else?

66 If this God so loved the world, well then why didn’t he make himself known sooner so all the ancient civilizations wouldn’t be wasting their time on gods that supposedly don’t exist? He decides to wait a couple thousand years?

67 That’s real balanced, right? Or, how about the fact that people have been fighting forever and on and on over whose version of God is the correct version? Maybe this one true God of the one true set of scriptures loves to watch people fight over him.

68 And all of that, my friends, is the clearest example of evidence that whichever God claims responsibility for all of that crap is not worthy of love, devotion, or the effort of an individual’s faith.

69 If a God that is supposed to be an actual individual, an actual being, in particular the God of the Gospel of Disaster, if such a God resorts to such tactics to supposedly turn the people’s hearts to him,

70 Well, that has nothing to do with faith and love. However, it has everything to do with trying to scare and frighten people into believing in something or someone. That is not indicative of a loving God. That is indicative of a big bully. That is certainly not any God I wish to know. Juan nodded.

Chapter 10

1 Jesus drew hard on the doobie he lit, downed the wine in his goblet, poured a little more wine, and then downed that as well. He drew hard on the doobie again, held the smoke for what seemed like forever, then let it out slowly. Then he said,

2 Well, goddamn. Juan, if that weren’t the damned longest tirade of yours in this whole damned debate I be fried in pork and beans. It was pur-tee good, though. I have to give you that much. But, you see, you jess ain’t be knowing the mind of God. Caesar interrupted Jesus, saying,

3 I take it you have a rebuttal to Juan the Baptist’s answer? Jesus slowly rolled his reddened eyes to where they would take in the image of Caesar, nodded in slow-motion, and then looked back to Juan.

4 See, it ain’t no surprise that you ain’t be understandin’ the ways of the true God, ’aight? Why would a God who is supposed to be loving let only good things happen to his creation? You think that be getting people to listen and obey?

5 Tell you what, brotha. Do you think that a parent who be givin’ they kid everything be doin’ they kid a service or a disservice? Hell no! Sometimes, you gots to be scarin’ the shit outta da kid in order to get they to listen.

6 God need to be getting’ people to be lisnin’ better so he be scarin’ people jess a bit. Jess a bit. A tidal wave here, and earthquake there. A war here, an extermination there. A dictator here, a coup there.

7 That is what it be takin’ to be getting’ people to be thinking and believing what you be wantin’ them to be thinking and believing. God be needing absolute devotion, so, that is why he still be making bad things happen all the time or rather letting‘ them happen,

8 Even to some of the people who be following the true words of his true scripture to a tee. If you convince people that they need to endure some hardships and some terrible times in order to be avoiding something even more terrible, hell, they will do it.

9 They will do it, especially if you tell them that the suffering later on down the line will be so great and so terrible that it is definitely worse than the worst images that they can conjure up in their minds.

10 What will make even more people do it is if you convince them that if they believe what you are peddling, well, then they will not be suffering nearly as much, or at all, like the other people who do not believe will be suffering.

11 And it is important to play heavily upon the fears of people, right? Cause if you don’t, hell, nothing of what you try is going to work, you dig?

12 And of course it is about control, right? That is why it simply cannot stop with just scaring people into being good and doing good things. No way, man. You got to scare them into believing exactly what you want them to believe,

13 Scare the hell out of them to get them to behave and think in very specific manners. It is all part of a plan, just not the plan that most people be thinking. Seriously, man. Think about it.

14 How many times have you heard people proclaim war in the holy name of God? And ain’t it crazy that these people be traveling the globe under the guise of bring civilization and God to every land of the earth? Hah!

15 You tell me what be so civilized about a God who be telling people that other people who worship differently are not worthy of life and love and good things and mercy?

16 You tell me what you think of a God who instructs people to go and try to convert people who do not wish to be converted, and to kill or totally ostracize those who will not convert? Don’t that be sounding like a fun tea party?

17 And to make things even more interesting you get a bi-zillion different groups all claiming to be properly interpreting the approved scriptures of the approved God of the approved religion.

18 Jesus took a mighty drag of his quickly shrinking doobie, held the smoke in his lungs for a good twenty seconds, and then exhaled. He smiled, his red eyes completely and totally glazed over in the joy of his high. Then Jesus said,

19 It is really interesting where real and true love fit into this whole thing. You wanna know something? Love is God. Love and everything that be making up love is what God is, you dig?

20 God ain’t really about who be believing what. Shee-it. That be making no damn sense. Love and joy, man. Love and joy. Makes everything wonderful and better. Makes the world and the universe go round, my brothas. Jesus smiled broadly and then said,

21 Of course, if everybody be knowing that then there ain’t be no more fighting and no more craziness of people fighting over whose God is the better God, but there also ain’t be no more controlling people. No more excitement and aggression.

22 What kind of world would that be? Huh? What kind of a world would it be if there were no more fighting over energy reserves, fuels, forests, food, water, and land?

23 What Kind of a world would it be if there were no more people fighting over which color of people is the best color or which political party is the best political party or which country is the best country or which ruler is the best ruler?

24 What kind of a world would it be if there were no cultures suppressing and exterminating other cultures based on the absurd ideology of Manifest Destiny? Juan interrupted Jesus, saying,

25 I’d say it would be a pretty good goddamn world now, wouldn’t it be? But it seems to be that you and your pals that love to press the ideas of intolerance have other things in mind.

26 The entire crowd watching the debate had grown eerily silent. Jesus was so high though, he couldn’t feel the thousands upon thousands of eyes fixed upon him in a shocked glare. Then Caesar spoke,

27 Well, well, well. It seems to be that Jesus gets a little loose in the lips and sinks his ships when he smokes enough of the holy mow. Governor, I have a new idea as to the finish of this debate. The governor spoke, saying,

28 Indeed, Caesar. Guards! Forget the ropes and the wood and the nails for one cross. Get enough for thirteen crosses! Juan laughed wickedly, saying,

29 Enough wood, rope, and nails for one misleading messiah and his hoard of hungry minions!

30 The crowd roared in approval and Caesar raised his arms and smiled. He said, I see everyone is of the same mind as I am! Again the crowd roared. Caesar raised his arms to silence the crowd as they cheered even louder when Jesus and his disciples were grabbed by the Centurions.

31 The crowd finally became silent. Then Caesar said, Shall we have a toast?

32 And the mighty crowd roared, Yes! Yes! A toast, Caesar! A toast! And Caesar said,

33 To the Blood of the Lamb! And the crowd went wild and responded in unison,

34 To the Blood of the Lamb!

The Book of Jon

Chapter 1

1 Religion. An annoying frontier. These are the misadventures of the starship Cruciprise to explore the depths of beliefs, to question the lunacy of man in his search for spirituality, to boldly, if stupidly go where sooner or later all religions go, to argument!

2 This story of the ages begins with the brave Admiral Jebuss and his crew of twelve religious dissidents: Captain Delilah, Major Sampson, Lieutenant Lazarus, Colonel Moses,

3 Staff Sergeant Aaron, Command Sergeant Major Pharaoh, Chief Warrant Officer Korah, PFC Uriah, PFC David, Specialist Bathsheba, Corporal Nebuchadnezzar, and Sergeant Lucifer as the Cruciprise’s cook.

4 Going back to the beginning, in the Horsehair Nebulae in the year Long-Ass-Time-Ago, Admiral Jebuss sits in the Captain’s chair, saying,

5 Admiral’s log, eternity date only God knows when. We have been traveling in circles through time this entire last week, mostly in a half-assed effort by the time Friday rolled around, to try to find a religion, any religion, that the majority of people on the planet can at least fight fairly over.

6 Eight days ago, that half-asleep nit Lieutenant Lazarus once again showed everyone how fucking pathetic his navigation skills are when he stupidly put the wrong flight path into the freakin’ computer.

7 By the screwiest chance of circumstance his mistake put us into a wormhole that looped to the same time we were in every time we tried to leave it. Of course, we hadn’t even figured that out until two days into the mistake, damn the whole thing.

8 I looked like a total jackass since I thought we had discovered a parallel of eternity that actually had the same religion no matter where you went within that parallel.

9 To make matters worse, PFC Uriah and PFC David continue to fight and bicker over Specialist Bathsheba. The assholes can’t seem to understand she is a lesbian and in a very strong relationship with Captain Delilah.

10 Then there is the incessant arguing and sibling rivalry between brothers Colonel Moses and Staff Sergeant Aaron, the Separatist rants of Chief Warrant Officer Korah, Command Sergeant Major Pharaoh and the stinking meth lab he keeps trying to build,

11 Corporal Nebuchadnezzar and his all-night Guitar Hero runs at volumes that are just about enough to make your ears bleed, and God help me to put up with Sergeant Lucifer’s horrible cooking, because I can’t take much more of the gruel he serves.

12 Admiral Jebuss sighed and then said, Well, at least we fixed the freakin’ time loop snafu, damn that nit wit Lazarus. I swear, this is totally the last time I ever let someone else pick my crew for me. The good thing is I think we have found the religion we have been looking for this whole crazy trip.

13 Admiral Jebuss looked around the empty control room. All of his crew would be here as soon as they were finished trying to eat whatever wallpaper paste Sergeant Lucifer was trying to pass off as a real, edible breakfast.

14 The hydraulic doors to the control room hissed open and Admiral Jebuss’ crew began to take their proper places.

15 Good morning, Admiral Jebuss! The crew called. Admiral Jebuss gave a half-hearted wave and then said,

16 Let’s just get this morning’s meeting over with, why don’t we? Okay, for all to know we have finally fixed the time loop screw-up, no thanks to sleepy over there who is pretending to dust his workstation. Hey, Laz. Drop it. We’re not fooled. Anyways,

17 Delilah, you are in charge this morning of typing our destination into the computer since Laz has been temporarily stripped of that duty until he proves he can handle such a simple task as friggin‘ breathing,

18 Uriah and David, do you guys think you can work together enough to get us the power we are going to need to make the proper space-through-time shift? I mean, I’m tired of having to peel you two thugs apart every two seconds. Admiral Jebuss made a mean face at them and then continued,

19 Bathsheba, I am going to need you to make contact with the captain in charge at base operations and tell him we are at least a few more days away from verifying and netting that good, strong religion everyone can fight over responsibly.

20 Korah and Pharaoh, I want you two to man the ear phones for any radio signals from religious stations that sound like they might have a good religion worth checking out. If it sounds promising, tell me and we’ll go see what they got.

21 Sampson and Nebuchadnezzar, I want you two to hit all the regular messaging boards on the computer and see what you can find so far as people bickering over religion goes. No more Pentecostal, though. That is just too boring for me,

22 Not even if they do the prayin’ with the snakes thing. I don’t like snakes. Besides, I always thought that looked hokey, you know. Like, Look at me Jesus loves me because I can play with poisonous snakes! Stupid. Anyways,

23 Moses and Aaron, ya’ll know what I want you to do, right? I want you to check every kind of advertisement and form of invitation aimed at trying to draw people to special meetings that promise incredible riches and rewards from God in return for their adoration.

24 And you, Lucifer, well. I tell you what, try to make something that won’t give us all the runs for lunch, ’aight? That about wraps it up for now. Chop! Chop! Let’s get going and give this finding’ a religion worth fighting over a good run for the money!

Chapter 2

1 After Delilah had entered the space-time coordinates into the computer, Bathsheba set about contacting the captain in charge of base operations. After several attempts on the space phone Bathsheba finally got through, saying,

2 Cruciprise to base operations, Cruciprise to base operations. This is Specialist Bathsheba. May I please speak with the captain in charge? And the captain in charge answered, saying,

3 Captain Pharisee in charge of base operation to Cruciprise Specialist Bathsheba, please go ahead with your message. And Bathsheba said,

4 Captain Pharisee, I have an update from Admiral Jebuss. As of this time we are only a few days from procurement of an adequate religion with which to initiate Operation Scripture Scramble. Captain Pharisee said,

5 Excellent, Specialist Bathsheba. What religions have you zeroed in on that seem ripe and ready for exploitation? Something that will really rile the masses, I hope? We are in real need of a religion that can sustain this operation. And Bathsheba said,

6 Yes, Captain Pharisee! We have in fact zeroed in on a great religion, one that has so many different interpretations of spiritual scriptures that no less than fifty different denominations have been spawned from the one religion. Captain Pharisee was amazed and said,

7 Are you serious? More than fifty different religions all spawned from one set of religious scriptures? Wow! It almost sounds too good to be true! How much have you verified? Bathsheba lied, saying,

8 The Admiral is in the middle of his calculations right now, has been so for the last six or seven hours. He believes this to be the one. Admiral Jebuss heard what Bathsheba was saying and very nearly choked on his coffee, and he whisper-hissed to Bathsheba,

9 What the fuck are you telling him? I don’t have any of that done! You’re gonna get me killed! Bathsheba waved him off and continued talking to Captain Pharisee,

10 Admiral Jebuss hopes to have us on location for the acquisition and containment by this evening. However, Captain Pharisee, please understand that is if all of the calculations prove to be reliable. Captain Pharisee said,

11 Excellent job! I shall be sure to inform the Committee of Scribes as soon as we are done here. Well done, Cruciprise! Do you have anything else to report? Bathsheba answered, saying,

12 No, Captain Pharisee. As soon as we have final containment we will message you post-haste. Captain Pharisee again praised the crew of the Cruciprise and then signed off. Admiral Jebuss was looking at Specialist Bathsheba in absolute horror and said,

13 Are you out of your goddamn mind, Bathsheba? I haven’t done any of the things you told him I did! I have not even gone over the radio reports, the computer reports, or the television reports! He’s gonna kill me! Bathsheba shook her head, saying,

14 Calm down, Admiral Jebuss. You are not going to be killed. I have an excellent feeling about this religion we have recently been stalking, and I am telling you this is the one. See,

15 I have been studying the reports in my spare time. I hope you don’t mind, Admiral. I have found some wonderful parallels to what we are looking for in a religion. Admiral Jebuss waited for Bathsheba to say more and when she did not he said,

16 Well, go on with whatever it was you were saying, Bathsheba. Don’t leave me hanging. Bathsheba smiled and said,

17 Actually, that is exactly what I am going to do, Admiral. In all actuality, that is precisely the kind of thing that is a huge part of what this religion is that we have found. It is excellent in working up the believers into various fits of frenzy. Then, it rips the rug right out from underneath them. It is the epitome of spiritual pricelessness.

Chapter 3

1 Korah and Pharaoh looked at each other and then laughed silently as they pressed their radio ear-buds to their ears. They smiled and pressed their hands over their mouths in an effort to stifle the laughter that threatened. Finally, Admiral Jebuss could stand it no longer and said,

2 Come on, you guys! Spill! What is it that has you both so worked up? You gotta tell me something since I can’t seem to get a word out of Bathsheba. Is it this religion? Is it turning out to be as good as it sounds? And Korah said,

3 It is even better then we thought it would be! You won’t believe some of the craziness they are sayin’ over the airwaves in an attempt to get people to buy their version of God and eternity! Then Pharaoh said,

4 This one guy calling himself Swami Braggart is in the hot seat. Apparently he told his flock that Jesus don’t be wantin’ them to be giving into the sins of the flesh, and then this same fucker went and rented out a whole buncha hookers over the last year! Hah!

5 So, this fellow just gave this quasi-touching, quasi-make-me-barf speech of how he is so sorry that he sinned…again. Yes. I said again. This douche-bag has done this before and gave the same I’m-So-Sorry-I-Fucked-Up speech to the same flock! Admiral Jebuss said,

6 Are you serious? This sounds too good to be true! I mean, this is exactly the type of mayhem and chaos we are looking to use in Operation Scripture Scramble. The captain over at base operations would love this! Then Pharaoh said,

7 Oh, but there is more, Admiral! We are receiving all kinds of the most ridiculous and hilarious radio messages. Check this out! There is a guy who claims that those who have true, real faith in the true God do not take medication for healing purposes. He says that only God can heal the faithful. Then Korah said,

8 There is a man and his smarmy group of followers who claim that they can actually entice Jesus to come back to earth for the second coming by preaching only their brand of salvation to all who will hear,

9 That all other versions of faith are not true faith because they have inaccurately interpreted the words of scripture in a manner that only leads people to Satan and certain destruction in hell,

10 That all forms of entertainment and the media are from the Devil and specifically devised to lead people away from God, that people in their group should abandon friends and family who do not believe the same,

11 That all precognitive skills and practices are from the Devil, and that all gays and lesbians are misled by Satan and definitely going to hell for disobeying God’s homophobic will. Delilah and Bathsheba giggled at the last statement.

12 Admiral Jebuss’ eyes glittered with excitement as he realized that Bathsheba was absolutely correct in telling Captain Pharisee that it appeared at though they had found the right religion to use in Operation Scripture Scramble. He smiled tentatively and then asked Korah and Pharaoh,

13 Is that all or is there anything else to add to this wonderful sounding melee? Please tell me there is more! Korah and Pharaoh nodded at the same time and Korah said,

14 Admiral there is so much it is simply too much to try to tell you all at once, but we will tell you at least a little bit more. Okay, this religion that they have has one basic set of scriptures that has more interpretations than there are stars. For example,

15 There are versions of the faith that believe that people should be baptized as soon as possible after they are born and other versions that believe that you cannot be baptized until you are old enough to understand what it means. Then,

16 There are versions of faith that believe that asking for or being able to show signs of God is indicative of a viperous character while other versions of faith believe that in order to show their faith in God they should play with vipers. Then,

17 Some faiths think it is a sin to have nice, expensive possessions while their opposite group touts that if God gave you the talent to make the money then he doesn’t have a problem with what you spend it on so long as it isn’t sinful. Then,

18 There are groups that believe that women should be silent and listen to everything a man says to include the idea a man should have several wives at once in order to be able to qualify for heaven,

19 While the opposite group maintains that God only intended for people to marry only once to one person and that getting a divorce is a sin. One group preaches that giving to humanity and making sure everyone has their needs met is what God wants from everyone,

20 While another group maintains that strapping bombs to themselves in some kind of sadistic holy crusade to rid the world of infidels is what God wants. I mean, the list goes on and on. This religion is everything we are looking for, Admiral!

Chapter 4

1 After receiving the full report from Korah and Pharaoh, Admiral Jebuss went to Sampson and Nebuchadnezzar and took their report. To the Admiral’s delight it was much of the same information,

2 For the message boards on the computer were loaded with numerous faiths all professing to have the one and only information that would get the qualified believer to heaven if they only obeyed.

3 When he was finished receiving the report from Sampson and Nebuchadnezzar, Admiral Jebuss went to Moses and Aaron and asked them what they had found in their search. Moses said,

4 Admiral, if we had known this would be this fun we would have done this far earlier! This is great! We expanded our search to include all television programs that preach some brand of religion or Jesus and what we found is exciting! Then Aaron said,

5 The television programs were particularly revealing about this religion. Now, keep in mind that in general this religion does have one set of scriptures. The deal is that a b-zillion different groups each interpret these scriptures in their own way. For example,

6 Many of the preachers or whatever you call the hacks that generally lead the groups, well, they seem to love to twist the scriptures in ways that will facilitate them in peeling the money away from the people they lead. So,

7 This greasy looking fellow with one of the worst hair plug jobs I have ever seen is looking fervently into the television camera and telling people that the Spirit has told him to tell the flock that God wants them each to give a thousand dollars.

8 The guy goes so far as to tell them that if they do not have the money in the bank to cover the thousand dollars that they should put it on their credit card and call it a love offering. Then, if God was happy with their love offering he would supposedly give back to them in huge and unexpected ways.

9 This preacher was doing something really weird the whole broadcast, too. He would stop every few sentences and say, Quickly, quickly. Over and over he would do that, Quickly, quickly. Then,

10 After a while this guy starts asking, Are you going to your phone yet? If you’re not going to your phone you are in disobedience and God hates disobedience. Admiral Jebuss laughed and said,

11 Are you serious? He really said that? He told them if they were not going to the phone with their credit cards that they were in disobedience with God? Moses nodded and said,

12 Oh yes! Then he gave this bullshit story of how one church group gave an offering of eleven thousand dollars, all that they had in their church money box, or whatever. Then he said God was so thankful to them for their faith that he gave them an opportunity that gave them one hundred million dollars! Hah! The Admiral said,

13 Now I know you have to be kidding! Who in their right mind would say such a stupid thing? And Aaron said,

14 That is the thing, Admiral. These folk are not in their right minds. Otherwise, why would they be telling each other so many different things when it comes to God and faith?

15 On this one channel we saw this preacher who goes by the ridiculous name of Lenny Lent. You know what he was doing? He was praying over a mound of letters saying that God would answer them all. Then,

16 This nerd has one of those healing ceremony slash meeting things where they lay their hands on people and supposedly heal them of whatever illness they are suffering from. That one was some of the worst acting I have ever seen!

17 He calls up someone from the audience, then puts his hand to his head as if he is thinking really hard, saying something stupid like, I feel you are suffering from some ailment. Then,

18 He puts his hands on their forehead and literally shoves them to the ground or pushes them over as he very loudly declares them to be healed of whatever they are supposedly suffering from. Moses said,

19 It is almost as good as watching the comedy hour on television. You see these hapless people go up to the stage on crutches and in wheelchairs. Then when Lenny Lent smacks them around a bit they can magically walk again without their crutches and crap.

20 Sometimes he will even pretend to blow a mighty wind on them to knock them over with the spirit of whatever he is peddling. Then he ends each show by telling people to put their hands on the television so he can bless them.

Chapter 5

1 As long as he could remember Admiral Jebuss had never felt so damn good. He was, as it has been said by many, all smiles. He looked around the dinner table and studied the faces of all of his crew members. He smiled.

2 For once, all of his crew members were getting along just fine. Even Uriah and David finally seemed to get the message that fighting over Bathsheba was pointless since she was a lesbian.

3 Moving from crew member to crew member along the length of the massive dining table was a beaming Lucifer. He carefully placed great and beautiful dishes of food in front of his shipmates, smiling as they marveled at the feast before them. Moses said,

4 Lucifer! I am so surprised! What is this incredible change in your cooking skills? Ever since lunch you have suddenly served us with food worthy enough of passing through our digestive tracts. What has caused this great change? Lucifer said,

5 Dude, there are these shows on television I found that totally show you how to cook. How come no one told me about them before? I mean, finally I am able to produce some pretty good food. Let me get the cake I made for this occasion.

6 While Lucifer was busy getting the cake the rest of the crew dug in and enjoyed the feast before them. Sampson said to Jebuss,

7 So, I take it that Captain Pharisee was very satisfied with the religion we provided for Operation Scripture Scramble? And Jebuss answered,

8 He was more than pleased with the religion we picked. In fact, he is so pleased that we have all been promoted two full ranks each, will receive medals of commendation from the Committee of Scribes, and will each receive a large bonus. The crew cheered.

9 Then Lucifer came back into the room pushing a large cart before him. On top of the cart was an amazingly large cake in the shape of a cross. On the cross was a man who looked amazingly like Admiral Jebuss.

10 The man on the cross had a dove on his head, a set of scriptures in his right hand, and a magic marker in his left hand. He was grinning widely and was not nailed to the cross, but rather stood on a golden ladder that leaned against the cross.

11 Around the base of the cross was a gathering of various characters from various religions to include a pope with a hat that was a literal fish, a beautifully clothed Native American Shaman, an Egyptian priestess in cotton and golden robes,

12 An old Voodoo witch clutching a string of teeth, a Mayan priest with a massive headdress raising his hands to the sky, a Quaker preacher holding his scriptures high in one hand and pointing to the ground with the other,

13 And a televangelist with silver hair and golden glasses holding a microphone in one hand and a wad of cash in the other. The cake was amazingly colorful and extreme in its detail. Jebuss said,

14 This is a cake? You’re kidding me! Where the hell did you learn how to do this? Is it edible? Lucifer said,

15 All of it is edible. I learned it from this really cool show about this guy and his family that run a cake bakery, and they make all of these really cool cakes. Everything is made from pound cake, whipped cream icing, sugar compounds, and modeling chocolate.

16 I wanted to make something really special to celebrate this special occasion. We all found a way to work together and get this task done. We thought at first that we would not be able to find the religion we were looking for,

17 Especially in the beginning where it seemed like we had more things going wrong than we had going right. But, we made it. Somehow we managed to pull through the craziness and catch all the right breaks.

18 Maybe that is really what life is all about anyways, you know? Catching all the right breaks, you know? Managing to gather together all of what is proclaimed as truth and actually be able to pick and choose the literal truth out of all of it.

19 Anyways, I took the liberty of bringing these bottles of champagne up from the winery deck so that we can all celebrate a little better. Lucifer then poured the crew and himself generous amounts of champagne. He lifted his glass, saying,

20 We really should toast, and probably to many things, but we shall leave that decision to the Admiral. Everyone cheered loudly and then quieted down as the Admiral raised his glass ceremoniously and cleared his throat. Then he said,

21 To the wonderful ability of all men and women everywhere to choose, because choice and the act of choice and the desire of choice are the foundation for living to love and loving to live. The crew cheered, and then Admiral Jebuss added,

22 And to the truth and the accurate interpretation and assimilation and propagation of the truth! The crew cheered again and shouted in unison,

23 To truth!

The Book of Acting Postal

Chapter 1

1 Now the first four books of these scriptures were accounts of the life of Jesus before his general disappearance from mainstream society.

2 This book marks the beginning of the scriptural accounts of the times after Jesus’ disappearance, which actually some choose to label as by his own decision and not by that of mere mortal men.

3 It has been duly noted that the disciples also disappeared with Jesus, and while this was the case not very many people at the time knew of this, save for the few Information Nazis that always seem to be everywhere on the planet no matter where in time one may be.

4 So, it became very apparent to the Information Nazis that the things that Jesus taught were actually catching on with the people of the many regions. A few of them got together and discussed how they might capitalize on the situation.

5 They decided that since Jesus and all of the disciples were gone that they would press the story that they themselves were the disciples left on earth after Jesus had been crucified for the cause of those things he preached.

6 Of course, the Information Nazis realized that they could not preach the messages that the real Jesus taught. If they did their plan of gaining control over the minds of men would never in a million years work,

7 For the true message the true Jesus taught was one of choice and truth and not one of forceful fear and lies. It was from this most dark and evil philosophy of the Information Nazis that the Gospel of Disaster was birthed by purposely twisting the teachings of the Tenement Gospel.

8 So, the Information Nazis chose those men from among their own number who most closely resembled the disciples of Jesus, and then set about devising a story they would break to the public.

9 What they finally decided to tell people was that after Jesus had been crucified he appeared to all the disciples in a billboard along a major interstate and told them to go out and spread the Gospel of Disaster and baptize people, and,

10 That if people were going to refuse the tantamount truth of the Gospel of Disaster they were to be burned by words, burned by having gi-normous fire pit burnings of their unacceptable holy books, burned by shunning them in society, or if at all possible burned by actual fire.

11 The reasoning for the aggressiveness of these instructions was that if Juan the Baptist managed to spiritually douse people in water, then by rule the Information Nazis should be able to do so with an element even more powerful in their thinking: fire.

12 The new and improved faux disciples then preached that Jesus had instructed them to bring back the one, true religion and restore the real truth to the new and improved version of the kingdom of God.

13 If people did not believe what they were being told and by chance were to ask who gave the disciples their information and under what authority, such people were to be told to shut the fuck up,

14 That theirs was not to know who gave what authority to whom, nor which seasons belonged to what time of year, nor which time of year belonged to what seasons, nor if there would ever be another NFL season which God had placed in the Commissioner’s own authority,

15 For those who fervently believed what the disciples of Jesus were telling them to believe would receive power and knowledge beyond their wildest dreams and would be saved from a great calamity that for some reason or other Jesus did not save them from the first time he came around to earth.

16 The faux disciples also told people that they saw Jesus appear in a UFO one night as they were gathered around a campfire, listening to stories being told by the Grand Imperial Dragon while patiently waiting for the burning of a massive cross.

17 It was supposedly at that time that Jesus told the disciples that sooner or later he would return to earth in another UFO, maybe even one trailing in the tail of a comet passing near earth’s orbit.

18 Then Jesus told the disciples that he would impart onto their bodies a special mark that only they and other true believers would receive, a mark that could only be seen by Jesus once everyone was judged and sent to either heaven or hell.

19 Jesus would see this special mark and know that that person was a shoe-in for heaven and real estate right next to Jesus’ own heavenly mansion.

Chapter 2

1 Then the faux disciples invented a new holiday called Penny Costs, where all true believers in Jesus and the Gospel of Disaster would show their faith and give all of the money in their bank accounts as well as twenty percent over the full amount of their credit card limits.

2 This, of course, would be in addition to the normal eighty-five percent tithing costs required on a monthly basis. If people could do this then they were certified as real, true believers and given permission to berate and stick out their tongues to false believers.

3 And in the middle of the first celebration of the new holiday there was a great shaking of the earth and all the people cried out in great fear. The resulting radiation leakage from several near-by damaged power plants caused the heads of the disciples to glow as if they had tongues of fire upon them.

4 And the people asked the disciples what this meant and the disciples said, Verily we say unto you that the glow-y head thing means that the disciples of Jesus and those who preach the Gospel of Disaster are always right,

5 And if at any time anyone does not understand the words of Jesus that are being taught to them, this is because their ears are hearing Jesus’ message in the divine language of Tongues which only their spirits can properly translate, or only the qualified believer-scholar of the Gospel of Disaster can translate.

6 And the people were amazed for it seemed to be absolute that the disciples of Jesus were extremely powerful and blessed and even endorsed by God himself. And the people knew that it wasn’t just the wine talking.

7 This became even more evident as the disciple Peter stood and said to the people, Of course it isn’t the wine, for this is only our third keg! This has all been spoken by some prophet of old called Joazahebaziah who said,

8 And I promise you this that in the days right after Jesus has ascended unto heaven and just prior to the last days of all men on the earth, that God shall choose special men on whom he shall pour all of his divinity and spiritual truths and knowledge,

9 And these men shall be the disciples of Jesus and shall be vested with the task of imparting the one and only spiritual scriptures and truth upon the lot of humanity. It is therefore in the best interests of all to obey every word they say.

10 And those special men and women who obey what the disciples of Jesus say shall be granted full access to heaven, full escape from the tortures of the last times of the end days,

11 And they shall be granted the rights to divine prophecy and spiritual vision and televangelist dreams, and they shall have the right to make slaves out of all of those who would believe other than what the Gospel of Disaster preaches.

12 It shall be that whenever the skies show great wonders of bright lights and streaks of falling stars, and whenever the earth shall cry out and split and spew forth smoke and fire and poisonous vapors,

13 Whenever the light of the sun is darkened and the color of the moon is turned into blood so shall all men know, whether or not they want to, that what the disciples preach is pure truth and the only truth,

14 And so shall all of these same things mean that the time of Jesus coming back is right around the corner, so ya’ll better look busy. Remember that it shall be that whoever shall believe in only whatever the Gospel of Disaster preaches shall be saved.

15 The disciples preached on, saying, Everyone, hear our words! For Jesus gave us the power of God that he possessed. And Jesus demonstrated that he was the one with the real truth and the only access to the truth and what is considered the truth.

16 Because of his knowledge and understanding of the truth Jesus was put to death by the establishment of those who would wantonly and willfully abandon the truth and the honor of what people should really be believing in.

17 Jesus was nailed to a cross and killed by those who would have you believe that there is more than one truth and one way and more than one path that leads to God. But in the end the joke was on those who murdered Jesus,

18 For those who nailed him to the cross could not hold Jesus to death! And he came back from the dead just like that guy Michael in those stab ‘em movies of the seventies and eighties.

19 And there shall be a day when Jesus will come back to earth in person and decimate everything and everyone who does not believe in his brand of faith, but until then he will just wage war on everyone he does not like.

20 Blessings shall be heaped upon those who fight all those in opposition to the Gospel of Disaster and they shall be called warriors of God! And these warriors shall lead by fear and by threatening eternal damnation in the lent filled pockets of hell.

21 All true believers of the Gospel of Disaster should know that there will be those who will do everything within their power to twist the words and the teachings of Jesus into something evil and horrible.

22 They will paint the teachings of Jesus to mean something pretty and free and meant to sculpt the minds of men into something agreeable and tolerable of all truths.               23 They will try to tell all men that people are meant to roam free in their thoughts and meant to live in peace and harmony while all doing and believing their own thing.

24 They will try to sell people on the idea that all men can be prophets of God if they opened their minds and hearts to everything around them.

25 They will try to seed the idea that the throne of God is the love that moves the universe and everything in it.

26 They will try to convince all those who would hear that there is no hell save for that which men create for themselves, and they will try to say that there are no end times save for those delineated by the wickedness of the actions of men.

27 They will try to convince all of humanity to abandon the consequences of the real fears of the Gospel of Disaster, and they will try to say that it is that very fear that makes the Gospel of Disaster just that: a disaster.

28 And Peter ended his alcohol induced rant by saying, So be true to the real message of the crucified Jesus and the Gospel of Disaster! Be exalted by the steadfast stubbornness of the solitary truth you carry,

29 Earn your place at the right hand of God in the area of his heavenly throne! Do not forget the promise of God as so spoken through Jesus by the prediction of the prophets from hundreds of years ago that stated,

30 It is promised to the followers and the preachers of the Gospel of Disaster that no matter how the rest of society responds to their nonsensical ravings, the kingdom of God and of the heavens shall be theirs, because they are always right.

Chapter 3

1 It came to pass that when the disciples were done with the keg party that they made their way down to the movie theater in order to view a new movie about yet another prediction of the impending doom of the hopeless fate of mankind.

2 On the way to the movie theater the disciples saw a crippled man who was begging for alms to pay for a few bites of something to eat, and maybe even pay for some much needed healthcare.

3 And Peter and the disciples sneered at him and said, Look at the little broken man! Why the hell would we give to you when you have not given anything unto us?

4 And the little broken man said, Please, help me so that I may eat something! Heal me so that I may walk! I will give everything I have to you!

5 And the disciples said, Do you want to go to hell and burn forever!

6 The little broken man was filled with fear and he cried out, No! No! I do not want to go to hell and burn forever!

7 And the disciples said, Do you want to make God unhappy and angry by believing in something other than what he wants you to believe in, which will result in your eternal damnation?

8 And the little broken man was filled with even more fear and he cried out, No! No! No! I do not want to make God angry with me where he will make bad things happen to me! I do not want to be burned with fire forever or be swallowed by the earth!

9 Then the disciples said, Do you want to suffer unimaginable horrors in a great battle of all humanity where the blood of men will reach the bridles of horses, and where tribulations of people will be great and they shall burn with fire?

10 Being filled with absolute terror the little broken man cried out, No! No! No! Please save me! I do not want to suffer such horrible atrocities! Please tell your God to have mercy on me!

11 The disciples then said, Then get your ass up ! Stand up right now, or God will smite you!

12 And in the delusion of his fear the little broken man imagined himself to be healed of his infirmities, and he leapt up from the place where for so many years he sat begging for a pittance that he may eat,

13 And he ran about the city declaring the praises of the Gospel of Disaster. Smiling, Peter turned to John and said, See. I told you fear could get the job done! It can get people moving faster than promises of great wealth.

14 And as the little broken man who thought he was now not a broken little man ran about singing the praises of the Gospel of Disaster, the people of the region marveled at the power of the disciples and the disastrous message that they preached,

15 For the people did not realize that the supposed miracle of the little broken man was not a miracle borne out of love, but a wicked and dark miracle borne out of fear. And because of the apparent beauty of the perceived miracle many people believed the disciples’ message.

16 And many people converted to the practices of the Gospel of Disaster. The Information Nazis were pleased and said to the disciples, See! We told you the people would eat this up! We knew this would be the bomb!

17 And being filled with the Spirit of Disaster, Peter stood and said to the masses of people, Listen! By the power of our use of fear you shall know we are right and that our version of God is just, the one and only truth for all the ages, even those ages yet to come!

18 The God of our fathers’ nephew’s niece’s great aunt’s landscaper glorified the crucified Jesus who the non-believers of truth purposely crucified. Do not be like those who nailed him to some wood and put him on display.

19 And the faith of what we preach and prescribe and demand and recommend in the name of the crucified Jesus has been proven to be true by the words of our interpretation of Jesus’ words which make our faith strong.

20 For if anyone wishes to gain the glory of our God in heaven then they shall not act in ignorance by denying the truth we preach and teach.

21 Therefore, repent and turn to the stubbornness of your independent hearts to our truth so that your sins may be totally forgotten, so that your lives may be seasoned with the blessings of the God of our truth, and,

22 So that you may avoid the terrible destruction that all those who do not believe as we believe, and that all those who refuse to listen to what we preach will no doubt face.

23 For God sent the crucified Jesus so that you could see the truth of the wickedness of men and the holy power of fear.

24 So shall you all see that the crucified Jesus in heaven must reject those who reject the Gospel of Disaster, and who reject the words of truth of the holy disciples of the Gospel of Disaster.

25 And so shall Jesus also reject those who deny the teachings of truth of the Gospel of Disaster as so taught by the televangelist zealots, the nuthatch fundamentalists, and the sociopath cult leaders.

26 It is the entire truth that that which we have interpreted that the God of Jesus has predicted through the prophecy of prophets from a mega long time ago that God promised that whoever does not believe in the truth that we bear shall be completely destroyed and annihilated from the planet earth, along with all the cockroaches, lawyers, and politicians.

27 And those who are to be denied by the crucified Jesus are they who are the sons of bitches of a covenant of idiots who cannot see the truth of the message of the power of fear, for we, the disciples of Jesus speak the truth of fear.

28 It is for you to know that all of the prophets that we have been predisposed to know about by the power of fear, all of such prophets were told by Jesus that it was written by Jesus that the prophets of old of a hundred years ago said that we, the disciples of Jesus, shall be blessed by fear.

Chapter 4

1 And it came to be that the governor of the region and the priests and the scribes and the Pharisees were greatly disturbed by the twisted message of the Gospel of Disaster that the disciples were preaching,

2 And while many times in many places the disciples had been repeatedly told to pull stakes and move on, many people in the areas where the disciples had preached decided to whole heartedly believe the spiritually destitute message that the disciples wantonly taught.

3 After a short while, a hearing was scheduled and the disciples were ordered to attend. The hearing was held in the supreme court building of the largest city of the region, Narcolopolis.

4 It came to pass that two high priests, Rubella and Sassafras, were chosen to be the judges for the hearing. The judges took their seats and then they called for and lined up the disciples, silenced the court, made sure the cameras were rolling, and then asked the disciples what the fuck their problem was.

5 Then Peter, being filled with the smoke of a doobie made from the highest quality of the holy mow, said to the court,

6 What the fuck is our problem? Shee-it. What the fuck is your problem?! Ya’ll pick on the manner in which we preach our Gospel of Disaster, and you pick on the manner in which we force people to believe, and in the manner we heal people,

7 But what the fuck difference does it make whether or not people are being healed by fear so long as they are being healed?

8 Let it be known by all of you that you thought you killed the crucified Jesus, but his ass came back and told us to preach this message of destruction! And, you will all be damned if you do not listen, for his crazy ass will be back soon. When he comes back all ya’ll will be out of chances!

9 And as the judges of the court beheld the obvious intoxication of Peter and his pals they recognized the lunacy of what the disciples were saying and marveled, saying,

10 These cannot possibly be the real disciples of the real Jesus, for to our recollection he said absolutely nothing even remotely similar to what these guys are saying.

11 But Peter and John insisted they were the real disciples, saying, How else would we know all of this heavenly stuff unless we were the real disciple minions of Jesus? And the officers and judges of the court said,

12 It sounds like total made up bullshit to us. After deciding just to issue a simple warning and release the disciples the judges lifted their eyes to heaven and prayed, Save us from these crazy muthas, lest they fuck things up for everyone,

13 For who preaches destruction disguised as peace? And who preaches separation disguised as unity of faith and thought? And who in their right mind tries to heal any infirmity with fear?

14 How is it that the men who preach the Gospel of Disaster do not seem to know that you cannot stop fighting with fear, you cannot heal with fear, you cannot unify with hate, and you cannot live with death?

15 How can these men not know or understand that the truth is meant to be taken for what it is and not stretched into something that is horrible and self-serving and controlling?

16 For anyone with half of a spiritual brain knows that only through love can anything be healed and only through love can true faith be established.

17 And while the priests and judges were hesitant to do so they knew that it was necessary for them to release the disciples and hope that the people would come around to making better choices when it came to whether or not they would listen to the Gospel of Disaster or any other crap the disciples decided to peddle in the streets and from the pulpits.

18 But, of course the priests and the judges knew that it was simply too much of a good thing to ask for. Many more people began to gravitate toward the lunacy of the Gospel of Disaster,

19 For the disciples of the Gospel of Disaster told their lies with great conviction. And the people who fell for the crap that the disciples allowed to flow forth from their hearts to their mouths fell victim to the fallacy of the fear based faith the disciples sold.

20 And the people formed communes and gave themselves to whatever pleased the little black hearts of the disciples, for the people believed that if they only remained faithful to the disciples’ twisted messages and commands they would be saved.

Chapter 5

1 It came to pass that the disciples added yet another financial scam to their list of no-no behavior. What they did was begin selling positions in various churches, even leadership positions, to those who could afford to pay the most for such things.

2 And there were many rich men who clamored for positions within the churches of the Gospel of Disaster that sprang up throughout the regions that were unlucky enough to be plagued by the messages of the disciples.

3 It came to pass that a man named Bedussey, who owned much of the lands in the region, very badly wanted to gain a position as a disciple so that in general more people would pay attention to him and give a goddamn about the shit he said.

4 So, in an effort to both buy a seat of power on the disciples’ main team and buy a nice mansion next to Jesus in heaven, Bedussey sold a large portion of his land and gave the profits to the disciples.

5 There were, however, quite a few individuals who were new converts in positions of power who worked more along the lines of honesty and truly used the money that came into the various churches to help the poor and the less fortunate.

6 And a certain man named Arachnid and his wife, Mantis, sold some yard sale items and decided that before they gave the proceeds to the disciples they first needed to make sure some of their household needs were taken care of,

7 For their little house was not only in danger of having the heat shut off, but it was also in danger of being foreclosed on. In addition to that, Arachnid and his wife Mantis had not eaten in several days as they had given their food to the less fortunate.

8 Now, finding themselves in the same positions of the less fortunate that they ministered to, Arachnid and Mantis decided to use some of the proceeds from the yard sale to get caught up on their home costs.

9 And so it was that Arachnid and Mantis paid their heating bill, paid the past due amount on their mortgage, and bought and ate some food before they passed out due to lack of nourishment.

10 When he was done paying some of his bills, Arachnid went and laid a portion of the money at the feet of the disciples. And Peter asked Arachnid, Why has Satan filled your heart with greed?

11 And Arachnid was confused and asked Peter, What the fuck are you talking about? I am giving to you the money my wife and I made at our yard sale. And Peter was angry and said,

12 Is the heat in your home still on, Arachnid? And Arachnid answered Peter, Yes. The heat is still on. I used some of the proceeds from the yard sale to pay the bill. If I had not done so my ass would have frozen in the sub-zero temperatures of last night.

13 Peter yelled at Arachnid, saying, Why have you done this wicked deed and taken money for yourself out of the proceeds from your yard sale? You are to give all of such money to the production and operating costs of the church only!

14 For if Jesus wants for you to remain in your house, keep the lights and the heat on, and fill your belly with cheap ramen noodles then he will tell you how to do it without spending the church’s money!

15 Arachnid, you stupid fucker! You are a liar to God! You have stolen money belonging to Jesus! And in anger Peter shot Arachnid and instructed that his body be secretly buried in a near-by field.

16 Then did Peter instruct his faithful minions to say that Jesus and God were unhappy with Arachnid’s attempt to steal money from God and therefore struck him dead with lightning, instantly disintegrating his body from the face of the earth.

17 It came to pass that when Mantis was finished paying the rest of the bills she went to Peter and laid the remaining money at the feet of the disciples. And Peter asked Mantis, Why has Satan filled your heart with greed?

18 And Mantis was confused and asked Peter, What the fuck are you talking about? I am giving you the money my husband and I have left over from our yard sale. And Peter was angry and said,

19 Is your belly not filled with food? And Mantis answered Peter. Yes. My belly now has food in it thanks to eighteen cents I used from the yard sale proceeds to buy some ramen noodles. If I had not done so my ass would have passed out and died from hunger as I slept in the night.

20 Peter yelled at Mantis, saying, Why have you done this wicked deed and taken money for yourself from the proceeds of your yard sale? You were to give all of such money to the production and operating costs of the church only!

21 For if Jesus really wanted to fill your stomach with nourishment he would take a good look at your fat ass and realize that the last thing your fucking ass needs is any more fucking food!

22 Mantis, you stupid bitch! You are a liar to God! You have stolen money belonging to Jesus! And in a fit of anger Peter shot Mantis in the head and instructed that her body be buried in a near-by field.

23 Then did Peter instruct his faithful minions to tell the mindless sheep of the flock of the Gospel of Disaster that Jesus and God were unhappy with Mantis’ attempt to steal money from God and had therefore struck her with lightning, instantly disintegrating her body and wiping her from the face of the earth.

24 Again and again the disciples told the story of Arachnid and Mantis in order to get the mindless masses to comply with whatever they wished.

25 And when the people of all the regions of the disciples’ message heard what had happened to Arachnid and Mantis they trembled with fear, held more yard sales, and gave all of the proceeds directly to the disciples in their region.

25 It came to pass that through over-exaggerated stories that created immeasurable amounts of fear within the people that the disciples were able to perform many amazing and wonderful miracles for the flocks of mindless sheep they preached to.

26 And the priests and the judges in the region were angry and said amongst themselves, Why do these fucking people not see what the hell is really going on? How can they not see the seeds of derision that are being planted in their midst?

27 The disciples were once again arrested and brought before the court. At the same time the priests and the judges reluctantly understood that the idiot masses must still be allowed to make their own mistakes to learn from.

28 Once again the priests and judges felt compelled to let the disciples go in order to give the idiot masses another chance to redeem the stupidity of their persistent mistakes and spiritual gullibility.

29 After being once again released from arrest by the priests and judges the disciples this time used the situation to gain more mindless converts by claiming that an angel of God had released them from the evil clutches of the given religious establishment.

30 This story immediately gained the Gospel of Disaster many more converts than the disciples had expected, and when the priests and judges learned of this they said amongst themselves,

31 Fuck it! The people are not listening. It is very apparent that they are intent on learning about the Gospel of Disaster and those who peddle it the hard way.

32 The lesser officers of the court asked the priests and the judges if they wished for the disciples to be arrested again.

33 The priests and the judges conferred amongst themselves and thought, Should we or shouldn’t we arrest these friggin’ trouble making disciples again?

34 Once the priests and the judges realized that the people would only react to another arrest in great fear they decided against it.

35 Instead, the priests and the judges went privately to see the disciples of the Gospel of Disaster and asked the disciples, What the fuck is your problem? And the disciples responded, saying,

36 We preach the words and the voice of God! The people listen to us because it is better to listen to those who profess to know the mind of God than to bow to the will of those who profess to know the good of all men.

37 For the God of our father’s brother’s aunt’s sisters’ nephew’s niece’s son has instructed us to implant the knowledge of the Gospel of Disaster into the minds of all men everywhere so that they shall be easier to control and weld to the will of the few.

38 We have been endowed with the power of spiritual control and have been given instruction to execute the release of the truth as we see it and to bear witness to the lies of the world.

39 Being fed up with the shenanigans of the disciples and their twisted message of faith the priests and the judges were exceedingly angry and said, You cannot teach your message of hate to people who do not know any better than to choose and make decisions based on the fear you spread,

40 For such people will continue to choose stupidity above the law of love. Hate and fear are powerful messengers and manipulators of the minds and the hearts of men.

41 You cannot convince the mind of any man of what is right and what is truth by the use of fear as the understanding of such things are by pure choice and not by the convictions of fear.

42 But you cannot see such things, and you cannot understand that there will always be those who live to distort truth. Instead of trying to create solutions you decide to gain power by becoming part of the problem.

43 Know this, that for every misguided tenet of faith and for every twisted truth you try to seed in the minds of men there will always be those who live to do their best to refute such absurd claims.

44 Hopefully, such people will help more and more people to see the real truth of God and of what God really is in all the true, beautiful, and divine splendor of all that is love in this great, grand, and glorious universe.

Chapter 6

1 The disciples of the Gospel of Disaster did not care one bit for anything the priests and the judges had to say, instead choosing to continue to spread the Gospel of Disaster like mayonnaise on white bread.

2 In those days there began to spread amongst some of the churches bickering and murmuring because the priests and the judges began to regulate the holy mow, only allowing it to be dispensed for medical purposes.

3 And the disciples were angry that the priests and the judges were trying to regulate the opiate of the masses, saying, Why have you done this terrible thing to us and the truth that we bring to the world?

4 And the priests and the judges said, Because you have to at least have glaucoma in order to qualify for the smoking of the holy mow.

5 It came to be that the disciples were able to cultivate private stocks of the holy mow for themselves, and they were exceedingly careful to hide such from the masses they played shepherd to. When the people began to ask when they could get some of the holy mow the disciples said unto them,

6 Lift up your voices and pray with us unto the crucified Jesus and to God so that they may have mercy upon us and allow us the benefit of the holy mow, for the priests and the judges have seen fit to rob us of this most holy sanctuary.

7 And because the flocks of the Gospel of Disaster firmly grasped the false hope that the disciples held out to them they prayed for the benefit of the holy mow in hopes that sooner or later they would be blessed with it.

8 As time went by the flocks of the Gospel of Disaster became bigger and bigger to the point where the disciples found it necessary to add more and more disciples to their inner circle.

9 Amongst the new appointees was a man named Spittoon. Spittoon was a particularly outspoken man as his voice was one of mega-tone quality, and this gift of a mega-tone voice allowed Spittoon to spread the Gospel of Disaster great distances.

10 Because of the great quality of his voice, Spittoon was recruited by the disciples to man the airwaves in the regions where the disciples were able to teach their disastrous messages.

11 Soon the disciples also allowed Spittoon to man the televangelist waves as well since he was so successful in garnering countless sheep for the census rolls of the Gospel of Disaster.

12 And Spittoon would preach for hours and through the night on the television and the radio to a massive audience. As a result the scribes and the Pharisees became highly agitated with him and finally lost their patience altogether,

13 For they were tired of hearing Spittoon’s voice everywhere they turned, and they begged him to shut the hell up, saying, Shut the fuck up, or we will shut your trap for you!

14 Then with the innocent face of an angel Spittoon vowed to shut the hell up at least between the hours of nine in the morning until noon. However, it was not very long before officers of the courts turned in Spittoon for breaking his promise.

15 And in a moment of utter lunacy Spittoon decided to preach to the court of the region, saying,

16 When then Devil was down in Georgia, God said unto him, Get out of that crappy land and to go and take the good land of your neighbor. In fact,

17 Why don’t you dig up your dead and bury them in your new land so that you can say your ancestors were always in that area to begin with. And you shall be free to plant the seeds of the most holy mow. Spittoon continued to preach, saying,

18 If just people decide to challenge your inheritance to the land, do not worry because I have invented Manifest Destiny. However, you may have to come up with some really inventive drug laws for the holy mow will still not be allowed to be legally smoked.

19 And know that whatever nations you decide to take over that did not belong to you in the first place shall be yours to do with as you will, and the people of such nations shall be yours to torture with the horrors of fear as so you shall see fit.

20 Be wise in your legislation of the fears that guide and direct the masses, being very careful to appoint politicians and leaders who will be allowed to keep their positions so long as they continue to do as they are told, and lead as they are told to lead.

21 It shall be that after God knows how long, there will be a great famine to come over the regions of the Gospel of Disaster, and in order that the people will not know how hungry they are for nourishment the disciples shall feed them as much holy mow as possible.

22 And Spittoon said that the disciples instructed the people who followed them to plant the holy mow wherever they could in their homes, in their cities, in the streets, in the woods, in the deserts, and anywhere the holy mow would take root.

23 And Spittoon said, When the holy mow reaches maturity the disciples shall instruct their followers to place it in bright and eye-catching packaging and to sell it on street corners, in schools, in businesses, in their own homes, yea, even to each other.

24 And it shall come to pass that certain groups of the Gospel of Disaster will feel that the time is drawing near for them to seize lands that do not belong to them, but that were promised to them by some prophet or other hundreds of years earlier. Spittoon continued to speak, saying,

25 So it was that after the father of the crucified Jesus consumed six kegs of beer he appeared to Moses in the form of a Bush who told him, Yea, though I walk through the valleys of Afghanistan and Iraq, I will fear no terrorist for such an individual carries no foundation with him.

26 And in return for Peter passing off blunders of faith as true miracles did not Jesus build him a condo and a roller rink, offering unto him the finest of the holy mow?

27 And it shall be for all of eternity that the universe shall be a gi-normous throne for the disciples of the Gospel of Disaster, and the earth shall be a gi-normous footstool unto them,

28 But you stiff-necked priests and judges and officers of the court would not know the truth or the power of fear if it came up and hit you on the side of your head at mach three.

29 For ya’ll killed the crucified Jesus and God did not give unto you the approval for what you do or what you believe in or for what you hold to be true in the face of the universe in regards to the reality of love.

30 When the priests and the judges and the officers heard this ridiculous ranting by Spittoon they completely lost their tempers as they were tired of hearing the same old shit.

31 In desperation, the priests and the judges and the officers of the court cried out to the universe for at least a pittance of mercy in the face of such an annoying asshole.

32 Then did the sky cloud up with great black clouds. The air split with the rumble and the sound of lightning and Spittoon was vaporized by the very disease of disaster he peddled about the regions.

Chapter 7

1 And then did the Information Nazis come up with yet another plan with which to con people into believing their brand of divisionary faith.

2 Paying unto him an enormous sum of money the disciples convinced a man named Maul to pretend to be a previously non-believing convert to the Gospel of Disaster.

3 However, Maul was to inform the masses of the Gospel of Disaster that while he once actively rooted out the sewers of discord and holy mow, he saw the error of his ways by means of revelation and now fully backed the Gospel of Disaster.

4 And Maul was very faithful to the message he taught on behalf of the disciples due to their large cash payment to him. Maul set up many televangelist leadership posts where many crowds would gather in expectation of being healed,

5 For the crowds truly believed that if Maul had been saved from certain suffering of the trials of the end of all time, then so could they be saved from all of their fears. And many people who feigned illness were healed before the marveling eyes of all.

6 Those of the televangelist posts commanded the people to be faithful in their purchase of their happy and heavenly eternities, saying,

7 Quickly! Quickly! Give your money to Jesus now and I promise you he shall give unto you a b-zillion dollars in return for all the money in your bank and all the money on your credit cards! Quickly! Quickly!

8 If you are not moving to your telephone now to send Jesus your money you are in direct disobedience to the Spirit of Disaster and will burn in hell forever, so get off of your ass and send in your money!

9 And the Information Nazis saw that not only was their new plan working far better than they had expected, but they were making bank, for the mind of the people was like one giant, money-fat lamb being led to slaughter,

10 For the followers of the Gospel of Disaster allowed their lives to be over-run and taken away by the fear they had allowed others to wantonly pour into their lives.

11 And the disciples took great joy in opening their big yaps and spreading the bad news of fear and the exaggeration of the annihilation of the sinners of humanity by the hands of an angry God.

12 It came to pass that the disciples traveled a greater and greater number of regions as their numbers grew.

13 One day as Peter was walking down to the local mini-mart for a case of beer he came upon a crippled man who had been bed-ridden for thirty years. When the man asked Peter for help and healing and nurturing Peter yelled at him, saying,

14 Get the fuck up and make your goddamn bed before the purveyor of the universe and the judge of all of your menial sins condemns you to instant death right now!

15 In utter fear the crippled man leapt up, made his bed, and then ran about the town, ranting of how he was healed by the power of the Gospel of Disaster, and about the kind man who took the time to preach the Gospel of Disaster unto him.

Chapter 8

1 After a time the priests and judges and officers of the courts came to know that after decades of trying to allow the people of the regions to make their own mistakes in faith in order that they learn from these mistakes, well, it simply was not going to happen like that.

2 It was the truth, after all, that people had a way of truly fucking up the most simple things in the universe. Lucky for people, the love in the universe kept everything from being ultimately irrevocable.

3 The priests and judges and officers of the courts of all the regions gathered in Vegas, since whatever happens there is supposed to stay there, and after they had their fun they took a leave of absence to Camp Goliath where they decided something had to be done about the disciples and the Gospel of Disaster no matter what the cost.

4 It was finally decided by ballot that Peter, the man who was deemed the head of all the disciples and the head of the establishment of the Gospel of Disaster, would be arrested and sent away as far as possible.

5 The hope was that by doing so, by removing the head of a most venomous snake that sanity would return to the people of the regions and some semblance of normalcy would resume in society as a whole.

6 When Peter was arrested there came a great roar from the flocks of the Gospel of Disaster, and while some of those who had arrested Peter did feel something like fear in their bones they did not allow this to sway their resolve to rectify the situation.

7 Before Peter was finally carted off to the island of Atlantis, a place of beauty that he ultimately destroyed with his errant knowledge of the divine, he was able to slip a note to some of his followers.

8 And, being faithful to Peter, the followers published the note in the newspapers of the regions. The note that Peter wrote said:

9 I am a man of God who has worked very hard to bring the truth of the fearsome anger of God to all the terrible sinners of the world!

10 Faithful followers of the Gospel of Disaster and anyone else who wishes to be in heaven instead of perishing in the flames of the tribulation will never forget to spend their every waking moment and their very last dime on their bids for salvation,

11 For salvation is not like what those who preach against the Gospel of Disaster would have you believe, faith is not something that is free and open to all, and love is not encompassing of all men and all faiths,

12 For it was written a long ass time ago that what we have to say is the truth and the only truth. What we have to believe is the only faith. The words we have interpreted are the words of the one and only God who just happens to be our version of God.

13 Do not be swayed by the promises of unity and tolerance by those who teach the deluded faith of the Tenement Gospel,

14 For it is out of sheer jealously that they continue to preach such rubbish! They cannot ever have and enjoy the following that the Gospel of Disaster enjoys, and so they have become resolute in their efforts to destroy our faith in the absolute fear of God.

15 For anyone with half a brain knows that love can only be borne out of complete and total subjugation to the fear of the consequences of a very angry God.

16 Do not lose your stubborn faith in the validity of the Gospel of Disaster, and never, ever forget that all paths most certainly do not lead to God or love or either of either or any combination of the two.

17 And after Peter was taken away, and after the people of the regions read Peter’s note that had been published they mourned his fearsome leadership and continued to spread their pestilent faith throughout every corner of every region.

The Book of Roaming

Chapter 1

1 I, Maul, a slave of the Gospel of Disaster, an appointed disciple of the Information Nazis, an individual of definite and obvious mental detachment by all accounts of his psychiatrists,

2 Doth ordain and establish this Book of Roaming to be about the Gospel of Disaster and its message of subjugation by means of a fear based faith.

3 Being one of the appointed disciples of the crucified Jesus, I am therefore permitted the power to preach all those things which God does speak directly to me via my pay-as-you-go phone.

4 And God has told me to tell you that it was written by people hundreds of years ago that they heard that other people had prophesied that those of the Gospel of Disaster would have the ownership of the obedience of the true faith of all faiths,

5 Those dedicated to the Gospel of Disaster shall be those of nations above nations, for what they shall be doing shall be called, duh! Winning!

6 I thank my lucky stars that I have been afforded the chance to happen upon the will of God and the salvation of the same, for in doing so I have guaranteed my own admittance into heaven no matter what amount of craziness may befall me in my life.

7 My God is my own witness that I serve the indelible truth and I pray the right prayers and I think the right thoughts and I know the right people and I make the right divine connections.

8 I write this book to impart unto those who would read it the spiritual gift of the given establishment of faith, and to impart unto them the stubborn knowledge that the Gospel of Disaster is right and everyone else is wrong.

9 And I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Disaster or for my knowledge of my being right, for it is the power of the fear of what my God will do unto all those who do not believe the same as myself that sustains me.

10 For those who hold fast to the Gospel of Disaster shall not ever worry about having to reveal the righteousness of their faith or their God because they are right to begin with, which therefore makes it a waste of time to question their motives and authority in eternal and spiritual matters.

11 He who has ears to hear probably does not live near an airport, for verily I say unto you that all disciples of the true crucified Jesus have been given the right to enact the wrath of God onto all in humanity who are within shouting distance.

12 May it be known unto all that the disciples and teachers of the Gospel of Disaster are correct in their statements that they, and they alone have full access to the words of the only truth.

13 It is true that there are many things in this universe that are invisible to the minds of many men. However, true submission to the Gospel of Disaster makes all things visible to those who follow such a twisted truth.

14 It is true that many claim that the interpretations of scripture according to the Gospel of Disaster are false and outright lies. This is a claim made by people who only wish to lead their lives according to the wickedness in their greedy hearts.

15 Individuals such as these are always attacking the Gospel of Disaster and its stance of intolerance in a vain attempt to try to validate doing the sinful and evil things they insist upon doing.

16 And they despise the Gospel of Disaster and the disciples for telling them that upon death they shall for eternity burn in hell.

17 The same men who killed the crucified Jesus now claim that we have incorrectly abused the words and works and teachings of Jesus, but how can this be when Jesus gave us the power to translate his messages in a manner that best suits what people should be believing in the first place?

18 But because those who follow the Tenement Gospel do not like the scriptural interpretations we have placed according to Jesus and God, they try to invalidate them by declaring that the interpretations are fraudulent.

19 Not only that, but the same morons also claim that much of what the Gospel of Disaster teaches is pure poppycock and intentionally added to the already heavily substituted faith.

20 Much of what the Gospel of Disaster has to say about anything is straight up ignored and twisted by those of the Tenement Gospel. But do not allow yourselves to worry as they are going to hell anyways.

21 All those who would believe differently than how the Gospel of Disaster instructs are worthy of nothing more than death.

Chapter 2

1 It is absolutely important that I, Maul, offer within this letter the instructions for how to behave in the proper self-righteous fashion,

2 For those of the precious flock of the Gospel of Disaster will risk their salvation if they do not know how to properly behave around non-believers.

3 Verily I say unto you that it has been written by someone claiming to be inspired by God, that whenever possible it is important that followers of the Gospel of Disaster gather and test out their techniques and game plans in order that they not be overcome by the harlot pagans of all other beliefs.

4 It is utterly important that all followers of the Gospel of Disaster remember that it their God given, Jesus assigned duty to harass and pester all those of the incorrect faiths,

5 For those converts who do not wish to do their duty and preach the Gospel of Disaster to all shall have their salvation revoked in entirety.

6 While preaching the Gospel of Disaster it is very important to remember and practice everything I tell you here. Start by gathering unto you some individuals of the same one truth faith,

7 For the absolute last thing you should ever do is try to approach those of wicked faiths or of no faith at all by yourself. Non-believers will hone in on solitary teachers of the Gospel of Disaster and make sacrifices of them.

8 You must remember to be diligent in finding out things about the non-believers that you know God and Jesus would not approve of. Remember, if it is not in the Gospel of Disaster, it is not truth.

9 Condemn all good works of all non-believers, for it clearly says in the scriptures of truth that practicing good works will not be getting anyone any closer to Jesus than the next guy.

10 Downplay all of the fine qualities of an individual’s character if they do not believe as you do. Be sure to tell them that no matter how many homeless people they clothe and feed they will no go to heaven,

11 No matter how many street gang members they save they will not go to heaven, no matter how many drug addicts they get to change their lives, no matter how many orphans they help they can never enjoy the sweetness of eternity with Jesus.

12 Always remind the unbelievers that heaven and eternity in bliss is only for those people who follow the Gospel of Disaster and its disciples.

13 Whenever a non-believer attempts to answer any question you may throw their way it is important to talk down to them and make them feel as persecuted as possible. After all, it was the non-believers who persecuted and then killed the crucified Jesus. What goes around, comes around. Right?

14 It is very important to make fun of everything about the non-believer. Make fun of their clothes, especially if they are expensive, for if they are wearing nice clothing then you can safely bet they are not tithing the required amount to the Gospel of Disaster, if at all.

15 Make fun of the make-up and the jewelry that is worn by non-believers, going great lengths to tell those people who wear the big hoolah-hoop earrings that they are whores and harlots.

16 If you come across non-believers who have many things of the pleasures of the world make it a point to tell them that Satan has taken over their hearts and convinced them to buy things of the flesh instead of giving the money to the church as they should.

17 The main key is to get the non-believers you come across to feel as absolutely horrible as possible, and if you can manage to get them exceedingly angry and offended at the same time that is very good and you will receive extra kudos points from God for that.

18 The moment you realize that you have the non-believer backed into the corner of fever pitch anger that is the moment you should release both barrels of the speech where you remind them they are going to hell for believing differently.

19 Recognize the importance of telling the non-believer that if they were doing nothing wrong, then why are they getting so awfully defensive.

20 If they respond that the reason they are getting so angry is your smarmy religious smugness you must respond with, Why are you trying to direct the conversation away from the fact that you are not answering the question of why you are getting so defensive?

21 Do your absolute best to interrupt them as much as possible and take everything they say as far out of context as possible.

22 On occasion, you will come across those non-believers who are more along the lines of being weak minded than being spiritually stubborn.

23 It is these weak ones that are the easiest to trap with fear and drag into the tenets of the Gospel of Disaster.

24 The weaker minded you perceive the non-believer to be the more aggressive you should be with bulldozing them with ridiculous claims of impending doom. Do not forget that if you are citing the horrors of the last days you should have your translated scripture with you.

25 This way you can reference the parts of the doctored scriptures that validate the crap you are persistently selling with such disregard. Make sure that as you are reading your validating scriptural choice that you make things sound as detrimental as possible,

26 For verily I say unto you that once you have successfully planted the seed of the Gospel of Disaster into the minds of men you are in for a real treat,

27 For as you watch the events of the supposed divine battle over a person’s soul and spirit unfold right before your very eyes you will see that it will totally drive the non-believer who truly worries about such things absolutely bat shit,

27 For allowing that seed to flower and bring forth fruit that will cause the non-believer to wonder what will happen to them when they die is absolutely worth your every penny, and likewise worth every bit of your time to watch.

28 The more scary and painful you make a non-believer’s afterlife experience sound the greater the chance that sooner or later they will come crawling back to you to ask you to help them to cover their non-believing ass just in case the whole Jesus coming back thing is for real.

29 And be sure to down play absolutely every good deed or deeds that they regularly participate in to include philanthropy, community service, and even good parenting,

30 For none of that shit matters so long as they refuse to acknowledge and fully embrace the Gospel of Disaster,

31 For the disciples of the Gospel of Disaster have time and again made it very clear that God and the crucified Jesus made things very easy for people by giving all of humanity the choice to either join the flock, or die.

Chapter 3

1 In the search for the justification and validity of the Gospel of Disaster and in order to properly apply it to everyday living all people must fully submit to the fear of the consequences of what might happen to them if they ever decided to think for themselves and believe differently.

2 For even the great Abraham believed blindly in the Gospel of Disaster and very nearly murdered his own son at the request of God, who asked Abraham to do such a horrible thing in the first place just to see how far Abraham would go.

3 All believers of the Gospel of Disaster must participate in the church life in their regions and so shall they consider themselves to be eternally indebted to the disciples on behalf of the crucified Jesus.

4 Due to this spiritual debt it is the duty of all disciples to persistently demand payment of the faith tax from all members of the flock who had best give their savings and precious items over to their leaders so that God and Jesus will have access to use the money to run the church’s business ventures.

5 Surely I say unto you that blessed are the poorest of the poor who give all of their money and everything they have, for their precious and gullible hearts will always ring the loudest with the hope that somehow God and Jesus will compensate them greatly.

6 Blessed are those who preach the Gospel of Disaster with extreme recklessness, for just like it says in the qualified scriptures of the Gospel of Disaster, God clearly pointed out who is right and who is wrong,

7 And since everyone who truly believes in the Gospel of Disaster is saved from certain death in the last times of all of humanity, it then stands to reason that all other beliefs and systems of faith are worthless.

8 God and Jesus have appointed the disciples and the flocks of the Gospel of Disaster to invade every nation and region and civilization with strict orders to convert the masses of the weak minded, excommunicating all those who believe otherwise.

9 Be very wary of those proponents of the Tenement Gospel who would have everyone believe that there is always hope, for the more people hold onto hope have nothing to fear and therefore cannot be controlled and brainwashed.

10 Be very quick to silence those in the church who would say or preach or believe in anything even remotely contrary to the Gospel of Disaster, for such men take great pride in trying to find chinks in the holy armor of the Gospel of Disaster,

11 And being very crafty with semantics those who follow the Tenement Gospel will travel great lengths in order to take sacred texts from out of the one true qualified believer bible and twist and shape those holy words of God  into something that can at least be used in a divisive manner against the Gospel of Disaster and all those who live by the Gospel of Disaster.

12 Blessed are those who possess no qualms in using half-truths and outright lies  in a holy attempt to spread the Gospel of Disaster.

13 Blessed are those who lie about whatever it is that they need to lie about regardless of whether or not the reason for the lie that is told is for financial gain or to gain more mindless and woefully disconnected congregation members who will more than likely never have the balls to leave the perforated faith of the Gospel of Disaster.

14 And so shall you know that the law of circumcision  is just another way with which to prove total allegiance and sacrifice to the God of the Gospel of Disaster by means of self-mutilation.

15 And it shall be that every time a proponent of the Tenement Gospel sees a man who has had a good portion of his dick sliced off the proponent of the Tenement Gospel shall be reminded that the flock of the Gospel of Disaster suffers from sheer idiocy and spiritual delusions and are therefore qualified to be labeled as crazy muthas.

Chapter 4

1 In preaching to a non-believer the person who is a true disciple of the Gospel of Disaster will include all of the following truths and edicts that the non-believer will need to adhere to once they are craftily converted to whatever version of faith that the disciples are saying that the crucified Jesus wants people to blindly believe in:

2 There shall be no person or persons who possess the right and the authority to add or to take away from the wisdom of the qualified scriptures as so deciphered and interpreted by the disciples of the Gospel of Disaster.

3 At no time whatsoever are any members of the flocks of the Gospel of Disaster permitted to read or study the tenets of the Tenement Gospel,

4 For verily I say unto you that in the moment a member of the Gospel of Disaster rebels and does such their eternal salvation and redemption are immediately revoked in their entirety with no chance of being forgiven and no chance of rain.

5 All followers of the Gospel of Disaster are required to maintain a high and mighty, holier-than-thou attitude in their private lives, in their public lives, and in any one person or persons they may be living vicariously through.

6 Whenever an individual who does not believe as the Gospel of Disaster instructs them to happens to be experiencing something hellish, unexpected, and sorrowful in their personal lives it is the duty of followers of the Gospel of Disaster to say this:

7 The Father God is using your unhappy situation to turn your heart to him. He is trying to show you that no one person can have anything in their lives go very well if they are not of the approved faith,

8 For it is similar to when a father removes the toys of his children, spanks them, and makes them sit in a corner and count spider webs in an effort to get the children to comply with his wishes.

9 So it is with the people who do not follow the Gospel of Disaster, for due to their stubborn reluctance to believe much of what the holy scriptures have to say both Jesus and God find it necessary to teach them the Gospel of Disaster through sorrow.

10 Such is the manner in which God and the crucified Jesus spend their time trying to turn your heart through them.

11 For God wishes for everyone to know that the unhappiness and destruction in the lives of the non-believers has been created with the express purpose of directing their personal views and their lives toward the Gospel of Disaster.

12 And behold, this is why God is making bad things happen in your life, and he will continue to make even more bad things happen to you and he will not stop until you bend to the truth of his will as so expressed in the Gospel of Disaster.

13 After you are finished slathering the non-believer before you with words of fear and threats of a dismal and hellish afterlife you shall relay to them the urgency of the situation,

14 And they shall be informed that they only have a short amount of time to convert before the doors of salvation and redemption are permanently closed and the gates of hell are opened.

15 So it has been spoken by the crucified Jesus and God to all the properly worshipping  members of approved congregations that all followers of the Gospel of Disaster have at their disposal a God given, Jesus assigned duty to denounce all other religions.

16 All people of the earth must come to know and understand that there is zero validity, zero viability, zero spiritual visibility, and zero value in any religion other than that which is taught by the Gospel of Disaster.

Chapter 5

1 All believers of the Gospel of Disaster must do everything possible to cut themselves off from the rest of the world,

2 For the constant bombardment of non-believers is spiritually lethal and may actually serve to weaken the resolve of those who do hold the Gospel of Disaster as truth.

3 It is therefore wise to go great lengths to place distance between yourselves and all family members and friends who do not believe in the real, literal truth as you do,

4 For the more often you are around them the more likely you are to be misdirected from the Gospel of Disaster and onto the path of the Tenement Gospel.

5 And do not listen or give heed to the claim of the Tenement Gospel that states the Gospel of Disaster serves only to bury the hope of faith in fear.

6 There can be only one true faith, and there can be only one true hope. Yea, verily it is written that should any man deny the truth of the faith of the Gospel of Disaster, so shall God make his life miserable by removing all hope from around him.

7 While the proponents of the Tenement Gospel point out that the followers of the Gospel of Disaster also sin just like everybody else you shall make it a point to tell them that your sins are treated as if they never happened since the crucified Jesus and God forgive all such sins of the disastrous flocks.

8 Those who cannot see that in order to be forgiven of their sins and allowed into heaven they must forsake all things except for the Gospel of Disaster are doomed to suffer the consequences of all of their unjust and worldly sins.

9 Beware of those who charge that the Gospel of Disaster speaks of untold carnage and destruction during the lasts days of humanity on planet earth, for such people are only trying to rile you up so they can poison the truth you hold.

10 And tell all of the people of all of the regions that God only backs the Gospel of Disaster. This being the case it is automatic that all other faiths are false and empty shams. And since God has ordained the Gospel of Disaster by his own verbal exchange,

11 The fact still remains, just as it always has, that we of the Gospel of Disaster are right in all of the things we do. Everyone else is wrong.

12 And now take these things that I have told you and go out and preach with your every and very last breath the Gospel of Disaster to all who would cross your path, whether or not they are displaying an interest in what you will tell them.

13 And do not be afraid to lie about your gospel for it is the foundation of the truth that so many choose to overlook.

14 All people really want in the end and in the afterlife is a guarantee that they will not have to suffer the great horrors of the tribulation of the very last days.

15 That is why it is absolutely key to use this fear of what might happen to convert people, because if it were not for the messages of fear and the supposed guilt of sinners in the paws of an angry God no one would give a damn about such a ludicrous religion and the lethal message attached to it.

The Book of I ‘Inthians

Chapter 1

1 Raul, a man who has been labeled as an apostate simply because he be choosin’ to reveal the true message of Jesus, a man who works for the true will of all that be comprising’ that which is God,

2 Does indeed pen this book of scripture to refute the claims of the Gospel of Disaster and of those who be following’ such spiritual flotsam and jetsam that be presented in the previous scriptural books of Acting Postal and Roaming,

3 For the very last thing in the universe that anyone be needin’ is yet another seriously twisted and fucked up version of a supposed divinely inspired message that be servin’ to divide rather than to join.

4 May all that be divine in this great, grand, and glorious universe find its way to you, my brothas and sistas. And may you be blessed with the compassion of love and the wisdom of the most righteous and nurturing truth, as it is true that a man should be livin’ to love, and lovin’ to live.

5 I can only be eternally grateful that by the grace of all that be God I have seen and experienced what the truth is, foh-shizzle,

6 For although such a truth lies dormant within each man it cannot enrich him with its blessin’ unless that man be properly cultivatin’ it.

7 Verily I say unto you that a wise and humble man don’t be misinterpretin’ his understanding of love and of God to mean that he be absolutely correct in his thinking and beliefs,

8 For the understanding of love and all that be comprisin’ that which is God manifests itself differently within the minds and hearts and spirits of all men accordin’ to the fertility of the soil in which it be planted, and according to the manner and habits in which the individual be cultivatin’ their own heart.

9 I ask of you all that all ya’ll be patient with those muthas who for some reason or other cannot seem to understand the purpose of faith in relation to the functionality of humanity,

10 For such men find themselves to be better suited to be fightin’ and bickerin’ over whose version of God and faith be the correct version. I say to you that it is the intolerance of one man’s faith towards another that be the root cause of everything that be wrong with the world.

11 If anyone wishes to know what faith to follow he should be knowin’ that a faith worth following is one that be bringin’ together and does not push apart and does not highlight every difference in an effort to be drawin’ lines of validity in the sands of faith. Ya’ll be knowin’ that be some crazy shit.

12 Do not ever allow yourselves to be caught up in the idiocy that be displayed by those men who would look at their own faith and then point to the faith of another, saying,

13 Our faith be more strict and be older and be wiser and be stronger and can work greater miracles and be more merciful than your own faith. Our faith be better and is therefore the indelible truth.

14 For it be written that the wickedness of trying to pit one faith against another or the effort some muthas dedicate to persecuting those who wish to be possessin’ no faith can only result in the destruction of the wisdom that would otherwise be harvested.

15 What be the purpose of one group of faith arguing with another group of faith over things like baptism and when it should be done, the exact time and day of the week of the Sabbath and what you can and cannot be doin’ on that day,

16 Whether or not people who do not wish to be believin’ in God will suffer eternal torment, or whether or not someone’s version of God does or does not love and accept men who be lovin’ men and women who be lovin’ women?

17 If such non-issues are allowed to plague establishments of faith and allowed to cover the eyes of a person’s heart with sackcloth then the purpose of having faith in the first damn place be totally lost and be kind of like the saying that refers to something along the lines of missing the forest full of trees.

18 And then what be happenin’ to the wisdom of love that could have been uncovered and shared? It be once again covered and forgotten until the next person or group of people search for it and find it.

19 Understand that it ain’t be possible for God to see the wisdom of the world as foolishness, for the truth of the matter be that the blackness of the hearts of men and the wicked deeds that stem from such be takin’ the wisdom of the world and be doin’ foolish things with it.

20 And it be shameful in the face of the universe and all that be divine that those who would be harbingers of doom and those who preach one faith over another make a goddamn habit of preying on the hearts and minds of people who be weak,

21 For it be easier to control people who be wishin’ to belong and who be wishin’ to be accepted and who be wishin’ to be loved and who be wishin’ to be taken care of and who be wishin’ to feel special and who be wishin’ to be right.

Chapter 2

1 I must confess that it hurts my heart to see that so many people and so many groups have been takin’ the words of Jesus from when he was here in this region with us, and have absolutely shredded the meanings of what he be teachin’.

2 Jesus did not bring you his message so that you could be arguin’ amongst yourselves. He brought to you a philosophy that when used properly can be enrichin’ the life of anyone, showing the willing individual different ways to be bringin’ more joy into their lives and to be livin’ with greater love.

3 But like the saying that mentions that there are always a few bad grapes in the bunch, there were those people who took what Jesus taught and done morphed it into a b-zillion different kinds of special clubs and fraternities.

4 And the messages that Jesus taught have been very badly polluted by man’s desire to be controllin’ one another and by the audacity of those who be havin’ the gall to try to dictate who be and who ain’t be worthy of salvation and redemption.

5 Such wicked men would have everyone believe that God and love be great mysteries, but they are not for the one be the other and always has been and always will be.

6 I ask you what purpose be served by abandoning the wisdom of common sense in exchange for the abuse of the perceived power of God and all that be comprisin’ that which be God?

7 The only reason that crooked leaders of faith be tellin’ people to abandon the wisdom of men be so that people are less likely to be figurin’ out that the messages they are being taught are divisive and completely skewed from what they originally be meanin’.

8 Crooked leaders of faith be the craftiest of charlatans for they be havin’ a gift of speaking words in a way where they can be gettin’ people to do absolutely anything they are asked to do and to believe whatever they are asked to believe.

9 When Jesus was still here in these regions he be seein’ what some of the people were trying to do with the messages he taught, and he tried to be stoppin’ them but it was too late for they was already drunk with their love of the power over those of weaker minds.

10 So, Jesus and his disciples left this region and went to the other side of the world where they could be properly studyin’ the abstract nature of God in the relative solitude of a tropical white sand beach with crystal clear waters.

11 When some people be realizin’ Jesus and the disciples had left they be usin’ that as an opportunity to be continuin’ to cultivate their ramshackle versions of Jesus’ messages, and this dark message be spread like pestilence ravaging the compassion of men as it tore like wildfire across region after region.

Chapter 3

1 Be aware that anyone who be preachin’ a so-called message of Jesus that is riddled with tenets of fear be lyin’.

2 For never once did Jesus be preachin’ to anyone the absolutely stupid idea of, Believe this way, or die in hell forever. That shit don’t even be makin’ no sense no how.

3 Jesus really be teachin’ that all men had to be findin’ what was God within themselves in order to be properly understandin’ all things divine in the universe, and he warned that not everyone would be understandin’ things in the same manner, but too many people were not listenin’.

4 And now look at what be happenin’ to the messages Jesus taught. They be totally lost in the melee and clamor of various religious groups that be tryin’ to compete for the highest seat closest to God, and for the imaginary title of One True Faith.

5 Tell me, what kind of man be sayin’ to another, My God be better than your God? Should not such a man be asking, My brother, is there anything ya’ll be in need of?

6 But such men don’t be carin’ for the truth they be squandering and neither do they be seein’ the derision they plant with pure, wanton abandon.

7 And the foundation that such religious charlatans be teachin’ is most certainly not the foundation that Jesus laid, although they are very outspoken in tellin’ everyone otherwise.

8 And these same men be sayin’ to everyone, Thou shalt not destroy the temple of God, and if you be tryin’ to destroy it most assuredly God will destroy you! But what these men do not be tellin’ everyone is that what they think be the temple of God and what they are telling everyone be the temple of God has been created by their own hands and their own interpretations and their own lowly opinions and their own imaginations.

9 These men deceive themselves and be holdin’ themselves high in their own opinions, enjoying the attentions of those who be believin’ them to be wise, and thirstin’ for the great regard that so many people be havin’ for them.

10 And the wisdom of their twisted Gospel of Disaster be foolishness and vanity disguised as the hope that be salvation, and be containin’ not one shred or iota of anything reminiscent of true love and compassion and hope.

11 It shall come to pass that all men will eventually be seein’ the ridiculousness of the Gospel of Disaster, and they shall be seein’ that the ceremony they claim to live by is one of stupidity.

12 For not only is God everywhere all the time and in everything and in everyone, but there are many, many different paths that be leadin’ to God.

13 Some paths to God be rockier than others, for some people seem to enjoy seeking out fear and condemnation in order to be learnin’. I will never understand that, for I be findin’ the best ways to learn anything are through love and compassion and open mindedness and something that be more than just a cursory tolerance.

14 It is for that very reason that I myself must be careful where I go and who I speak with, for I done been labeled an apostate of the Tenement Gospel that I be preachin’.

15 And it is by the mouths of those whose greatest fear be to lose the great power they have accumulated over others by use of fear that my demise done been ordered.

16 And though I may be fearin’ physical pain, and though I do not wish to be dyin’ as they have so ordered, I am not afraid to be losin’ the vessel of my physical body,

17 For what I be understandin’ through the love of all that comprises what God be, is that my soul and my spirit shall not be lost with the passing of my physical body. It be both known and written that I shall be reborn again, and again, and again,

18 As shall all men be. That be some of the truth that the crazy muthas of the Gospel of Disaster don’t be wantin’ to be recognizin’.

19 I bid you the peace that be surpassin’ the lack of understandin’ of all those who would be tryin’ to instill fear into the hearts of men in an effort to control them.

The Book of II ‘Inthians

Chapter 1

1 I, Raul, be writin’ this letter to all the churches that be in all of the regions of the known world, so that they may be reminded of the blessings that be surroundin’ them, lest they become discouraged as people sometimes do,

2 For it be no small wonder that with proponents of the Gospel of Disaster persistently jabbering on about how terrible the world be and how terrible natural disasters be signalin’  an imminent and depressing fate of mankind,

3 People be having quite a hard time remainin’ hopeful and keeping a good outlook of their everyday lives. It don’t be an easy task for some people to live with the constant bombardment of those who be preachin’ doom, death, and destruction.

4 And blessed are those who be havin’ the strength to ignore the fear mongers of the world, for their’s be a life that will be long since they won’t ever be sweating the small shit and worrying about whatever new religious story of doom followers of the Gospel of Disaster be comin’ up with.

5 Be very aware that those who be preachin’ and teachin’ the Gospel of Disaster will go great lengths to attribute damn near anything negative or scary or fearsome or unexplained to any number of prophecies they be diggin’ up from the dungeons of their scriptures.

6 One of the main prophecies of theirs that be morphed and changed almost more than any other prophecy is the one havin’ to do with the friggin’ antichrist.

7 Politicians from all walks of life and political affiliation to include dictators have been accused of bein’ the antichrist. Popes and rulers have also been accused of bein’ the antichrist,

8 And those who be claimin’ to have found such prophecies be doin’ everything possible to be makin’ the details of the prophecy scriptures fit the details of whoever it is they be accusin’ of being the antichrist.

9 I think it be interestin’ that the proponents of the Gospel of Disaster are constantly stating that their faith be the one and only way to God and the one and only truth, and damn anyone who be tryin’ to prove otherwise,

10 But then these same crazy muthas turn around and manipulate their own scriptures in order to be makin’ whatever it is they are claiming to fit nice and snug into their bag of tricks and twisted prophecies.

11 Blessed are those who be havin’ the strength to ignore the ever changin’ prophecies and predictions of the Gospel of Disaster, for theirs be the ability to take whatever religious charlatans say with a smile and a grain of salt.

12 It be important that when something unhappy happens in your life or in the life of someone near and dear to you, you do not be takin’ such a thing to mean that somewhere out there some great white God is sitting around trying to devise new and cruel ways with which to be testin’ you,

13 For the very idea that a God worthy of love and affection would be purposely allowin’ horrible shit to happen to people for the sole purpose of testing them or teaching them is pure insanity.

14 If such a thing be true the God of the Gospel of Disaster has a lot of explaining to do. It seems as though he don’t be havin’ any qualms about making the innocent suffer in the course of teaching the guilty a lesson or two.

Chapter 2

1 Blessed are those who be havin’ the balls to stand up to those teachers of the Gospel of Disaster that be tryin’ to tell everyone else they are going to hell,

2 For it takes a great amount of patience to even be makin’ the effort to tell someone of the error of their ways when that person be completely convinced of the absolute truth of what they have to say.

3 Verily I say unto you, that when a follower of the Gospel of Disaster be trying to preach to you and convert you, or if they be trying to harass you by picking on everything that you do and believe,

4 Walk away, for such individuals live for the sick and twisted joy that they experience when they be tryin’ to convince people they are going to hell unless they believe in the Gospel of Disaster.

5 It is pointless to try to be explainin’ that you want nothing to do with the Gospel of Disaster or its God or its ridiculous rules and regulations or its propensity to control as many people as possible through fear,

6 For anyone who be preaching that crap in the first place ain’t going to listen to a goddamn thing you say and you be wasting your breath.

7 Blessed is Texas for its fast moving Death Row conveyor belt, for the less criminals there be in the world the better off we all are.

8 Verily I say unto you that hardened criminals who be goin’ to prison and miraculously find Jesus there are full of crap, for the moment they be released they go right back to doing all the illegal shit that earned them a prison sentence in the first damn place,

9 For what most people do not realize is the criminal’s relationship with religion in prison ain’t be for spiritual purposes, but rather be just another coping mechanism that many prisoners use in an effort to keep themselves from going crazy.

10 Blessed are those who do not be fallin’ for the faux faith of criminals lest the criminal stab them in the back while their heads be bowed and their eyes be closed for prayer.

11 Wise are those men who be understandin’ that the scriptures of every faith were written by mere mortals claiming to be under the influence and inspiration of God.

12 Even more wise be the men who understand that there are many different preachers and even religious charlatans that be teachin’ interpretations of interpretations of interpretations of divinely inspired scriptures written by men,

13 And because of this you end up with a veritable cornucopia of religions that at some point or other usually end up fighting over something that be really stupid, like what time of the year Jesus was born. How is that for some stupid shit?

14 Blessed are those who cannot be duped by televangelists, but rather be findin’ great humor and entertainment in the antics of men who be tryin’ to turn a buck selling false hope and false faith instead of trying to sell used cars,

15 For there are few things in the world that be as hilarious as watching some nitwit in a thousand dollar suit begging money from people who cain’t hardly pay for the food their bodies need,

16 And who be regularly displayin’ their poor acting skills as they goosestep around a stage that be filled with crippled people, pushing and shoving and smacking the healing power of the God of Disaster into them.

17 And behold! So shall you be takin’ this information of some of the blessings afforded to you and you shall be rememberin’ them when you cannot seem to connect to the joy and the love of the day,

18 And you shall rely on the hope of peace to be sustainin’ you in the times where it seems that for some reason or other you just cannot seem to be doin’ much of anything right,

19 For when you be rememberin’ your blessings you be rememberin’ the beauty of who you are, and you be rememberin’ the compassion of the love that comprises all of that which makes God what God be.

20 Be strong and resolute in your heart’s desire to be livin’ to love, and lovin’ to live and you will find that the joy and compassion of what you know to be God never ends,

21 For it is true that whenever the heart is turned toward the love of all that be comprisin’ what God is so shall that heart be knowin’ true liberty. When any man be embracin’ that love within himself he be embracin’ his own divinity.

The Book of ‘Latians

Chapter 1

1 Pawl, a space cadet, not like any other men who be even remotely normal, but through the Purple Pieman and the Pied Piper of Hamlin who lured a whole buncha rats and brats away from inner city slums,

2 And to all the schizophrenic muthas out there who be preachin’ the psychopathic Gospel of Disaster babble,

3 What it is, is what it was, and what it’s gonna be, foh-shizzle!

4 To all that be love and to all that be comprisin’ everything that be what God is, may all that be blessin’ yo’ asses mightily.

5 I be comin’ before you from the Whisperin’ Pinecone Asylum in ’Latia to be bringin’ you the truth about the fabled story of Goldihops and the Three Bronx Cheers.

6 May you be takin’ this truth an’ be spreadin’ it for all to be hearin’, amen.

7 A long, long time ago, way back before anyone really cared enough to record the passage of time, there lived a young alcoholic named Goldihops.

8 Goldihops lived in a great big tenement housing development where police choppers peppered the sky day and night,

9 Where the babbling of brooks and streams could be heard from the busted pipes, and where someone was constantly killing someone else.

10 One fine Christmas Eve, Goldihops awoke not feeling very well. She had a hangover.

11 Goldihops sauntered to her fridge, passing out thrice in the process, twice in the hallway and once in the living room.

12 She opened her fridge and looked around inside for a cure for her hangover, which, of course, would be another beer.

13 Much to her dismay she found that her fridge was without life’s sweet mixture of medicine, which was barley and hops.

14 Goldihops closed her fridge and then rummaged through the rent money in her piggy bank for the proper amount of change needed to buy a couple of forty-ounce beers.

15 Finding the proper amount of money she then left her shabby-ass tenement dwelling and began walking to the local mini-mart.

16 Goldihops had barely made it a half block when she noticed another tenement building. She decided it would be better to ask the occupants if they had any beer rather than walk all the way to the mini-mart.

17 She knocked on the door of one of the apartments in the tenement building as she simultaneously threw-up on the welcome mat.

18 Goldihops waited a moment and then knocked on the door again, this time throwing-up in a near-by flower pot.

19 No one appeared to be home. Of course, Goldihops was far too wasted to really even know if the door were opened if someone had been there. She tried the knob.

20 Finding the door unlocked she stumbled in through the doorway. Once she gained some semblance of composure she began to look around for valuables.

21 Seeing as there was nothing of particular value Goldihops went to the bathroom to look for Quaaludes.

22 On the way to the bathroom she noticed three forty-ounce beers on two-by-fours supported by milk crates. Goldihops went to the first mug and downed the sucker.

23 A great pressure began to fill her belly, and believing that she was about to belch Goldihops opened her mouth, tilted her head back, and prepared for a deep throaty-growl of a burp.

24 Much to her surprise, she really was surprised, Goldihops ripped out a prize-winning, blue ribbon fart nearly bringing down the milk crates and two-by-fours with her noxious explosion.

25 Wide eyed and a little embarrassed she looked around the empty room, saying, Holy Shit! Did I do that? Excuse me!

26 She then shrugged and moved onto the next forty-ounce, downing it even faster than she did the first one.

27 Once again Goldihops felt a large pressure building up and glowered at her belly. She waited a moment and then decided the pressure was definitely moving up this time.

28 She struck a mock opera pose and prepared to belch the alphabet. Strangely enough, the pressure inside Goldihops suddenly veered down and she let out an enormous gust of wind,

29 It was a fart so big that even the seismologists at the Berkeley Institute would have been impressed.

30 Goldihops squawked in surprise.

31 After a few moments she decided to go on ahead and drink the third and final forty-ounce. She grabbed the bottle and sucked it down like a vacuum cleaner on a dirty carpet.

32 Ahh! This is the good stuff, she said. At this same moment her headache began to pass as the beer she had so quickly ingested began to settle nicely in a field of double vision.

33 In her last few moments of consciousness she realized it would probably be best if she vacated the premises and left the apartment, heading for her own home.

34 She made her way down the degraded pavement to her own tenement neighborhood and stumbled into her apartment.

35 Once inside she fell hard onto her couch, at the same moment releasing a torrent of anal wind that shattered the silence of the winter’s day.

36 As the paint on the walls of her apartment peeled, Goldihops fell into a sleep so deep it might as well have been called a coma,

37 And as she slept she dreamed about Christmas Day, hoping that at least one of the presents under the tree was another forty-ounce.

The Book of ‘Pheses

Chapter 1

1 Yo, yo, yo! What it be, my homey! This here be ‘Pheses from the south side of Capernaum, comin’ at ya’ll with a message that ya’ll gots to be lisnin’ to, ‘aight?

2 May it be upon youz all that the grace of all that be makin’ up all that be what God is be fallin’, and may ya’ll be blessed by all things beautiful in this here universe.

3 And though they be about as appealin’ as nails on a chalk board, many blessin’s to those who be spoutin’ off about the Gospel of Disaster. God be knowin’ they be needin’ somebody to be blessin’ they asses.

4 Now, I wants to be addressin’ this foolishness that the purveyors of the Gospel of Disaster be sayin’ that God be choosin’ who he be savin’ before he even laid the foundations of the world.

5 First of all, I don’t be wantin’ nunya to be worryin’ ‘cause the very idea of such a ludicrous thing be about as nutty-hoho as one a them Little Debbie cakes I love eatin’ with my morning’ coffee.

6 Now the idea of God choosin’ who he do and who he don’t want to be savin’ so far in advance is stupid. No only do it mean automatic disaster for some folks, but in a very interestin’ way it be showin’ the meanness of the God of the Gospel of Disaster.

7 So, ya’ll be thinking’ about it this way, ‘aight? I be makin’ a right good example parody of this for ya’, ‘aight?

8 Say this construction company be buildin’ a buncha homes, ‘aight? But before they be buildin’ them they be deciding’ which ones they be wantin’ to burn down at some point.

9 So, never mind that they be buildin’ the homes for nothing’, but they gonna be sellin’ them knowin’ full well theys gonna be burnin’ that shit to the ground.

10 Think about all that, ‘aight? Do that be soundin’ like somethin’ that be makin’ a whole lotta sense?

11 It don’t be makin’ no sense, do it? So followin’ on that line of thinkin’, why the fucky-ducky-doo would a God who is supposed to be lovin’ and shit go about sellin’ the lives of soul that he be knowin’ he ain’t gonna be savin’?

12 Shee-it. Talk about buyin’ somethin’ that be sold under the stupid phrasin’ ‘As Is’. So, the po’ folk who be gettin’ the lives that be doomed before they even be started be gettin’ the really short end of the stick, foh-shizzle that be the truth.

13 And if that supposedly lovin’ God be already knowin’ who he be savin’ and who he ain’t be savin’, why don’t he save hisself some time an’ a shit load of materials by not even makin’ them in the first damn place.

14 Then we be comin’ to the question of why this lovin’ God be creatin’ souls that he know he ain’t gonna be savin? Why would he be doin’ that? For shits and giggles? Why create somethin’ if it be known that it just gonna be sufferin’?

15 You know what? It be soundin’ to me like the God of the Gospel of Disaster be likin’ crazy shit like sufferin’ and all. He like to see people squirm and bein’ in need of food and clothin’ and shelter.

16 He like bein’ in control of peoples lives and shit, sayin’, I choose you, or I don’t choose you.

17 He be likin’ to be seein’ people sufferin’, then he be goin’ extra crazy by convincing’ his converts that sufferin’ and blood loss be a good thing, that they be needed for salvation, and shit.

18 Christ, what they followers of the Gospel of Disaster be needin’ is to be saved from they own crazy assed religion that don’t be helpin’ nobody no how. Shee-it.

19 Pickin’ people who he be wantin’ to survive and pickin’ people who he be wantin’ to die and burn in hell before everything even be made is the same goddamn thing as fixin’ a friggin’ horserace. Shee-it.

20 Not to mention that somebody who be behavin’ like that ain’t be a lovin’ God, I don’t care how the fucky-doo you try to word it.

21 Now there ain’t be nothin’ remotely lovin’ or forgivin’ or redemptive about this type of behavior from the God of the Gospel of Disaster. Basically, what he be doin’ is creatin’ fuck-ups to make hisself look better in the end. Whatever, man. Whatever.

22 Then to make his circle of stupidity complete he be sayin’ shit like, God be movin’ in mysterious ways. Shee-it. Sound to me like he be movin’ in Machiavellian ways.

23 There ain’t no praise an’ glory to be found in settin’ people up for failure, and if that be what the God of the Gospel of Disaster be doin’ then he ain’t worthy of my love and devotion. A mean God ain’t be one I want to be knowin’.

Chapter 2

1 Ya’ll need to be knowin’ that there ain’t no terrible God who be choosin’ whether or not you gonna be makin’ it before you even be made.

2 And since the God that be in all and of all and for all and through all be everywhere all the time, hell, you ain’t be dead in youz offenses an’ sins,

3 But rather, what you be is able to live each of youz lives with the opportunity to search and find the God that be flowin’ through all. When that be happnin’ things everywhere be getting’ better little by little.

4 After so many lifetimes everybody eventually be seein’ and livin’ the way of the love an’ goodness that God really be.

5 There ain’t no hell where somebody be goin’ to when they die, shit no. That would be way too easy.

6 Each person be born again and again and again and each time they be livin’ a life they be learnin’, and through the livin’ of many lives people be comin’ to know all that be God and immutable love.

7 Now the Gospel of Disaster be preachin’ that all others be children of wrath and be prone to lustful desires of the flesh.

8 First of all, if anybody be children of wrath it be the followers of the Gospel of Disaster. If you have doubts about this go and take a couple of history courses an’ learn about that twisted concept of Manifest Destiny that be rooted in the Gospel of Disaster.

9 Secondly, lustin’ and desires of the flesh are normal. Ain’t nothing’ wrong with the desires of the flesh. Of course, if ya’ll be over-doin’ these desires of the flesh, then of course they be bad for you. Shee-it. That don’t be takin’ no rocket scientist to figure that shit out.

10 The Gospel of Disaster be sayin’ that it be havin’ a God who be rich in mercy with great love abounding, but considerin’ the fact that he be makin’ pass and fail choices without givin’ folks a fightin’ chance, well, I don’t be buyin’ the mercy and love bit.

11 See, mercy an’ love supposed to be existin’ free of prejudice, which don’t be the case with the God of the Gospel of Disaster.

12 But they be people who be so wrapped up in the Gospel of Disaster that they cain’t see that salvations don’t be so hard and tough and awful, nossir.

13 Love be aboundin’ in everythin’ and all a person need to be doin’ is to be havin’ they hearts and minds open to it.

14 But when you be a member of a faith that be teachin’ so convincingly with fear youz heart and mind be easily shut down and eventually closed altogether.

15 It becomes more than just what be a simple task to be decipherin’ the love and joy in your life and this be because you be bein’ told by those who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster what be qualifyin’ as joy and how ya’ll should be reactin’ to it.

16 Your views and understandin’ of love be becomin’ more than just a little warped and more like they be registerin’ things in terms of complete distortion.

17 You begin to be believin’ that sufferin’ is not only normal, but both be expected and required. Shee-it. That be some crazy-assed mojo-jumbalaya.

18 The Gospel of Disaster be deprivin’ so many people of so many things, good things, but lotta people don’t be realizin’ this ‘cause the promises that be bein’ made to them be pretty damn big promises indeed.

19 An’ what might these promises bein’ made to the prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster be? Well, we be discussin’ them right now, ‘aight? Mind you that these ain’t in any ‘ticlar order.

20 First and foremost be the promise of bein’ God’s chosen teacher’s pet…I mean God’s chosen peoples.

21 Then there be the promise of havin’ a king who be settin’ everythin’ right on top o’ sendin’ all who be against youz a whole buncha sorrow right before makin’ reservations to send them to this cozy little place called Hell.

22 Then there be the promise of a second comin’ of Jesus where he be whippin’ the asses of all those who be contrary to the Gospel of Disaster with fire that be shootin’ out of his mouth.

23 There’s the promise of eternal salvation if youz be followin’ everythin’ that youz be told to do.

24 There’s the promise of bein’ forgiven for all the bad shit you done gone and did in youz life.

25 Another promise assures the folk who be willin’ to believe that if they be resolvin’ theyselfs to be doin’ anythin’ they are asked to do, even if that mean choppin’ they own kids up, well, that would be provin’ they faith.

26 There be the promise of heavenly reward in exchange of all the sufferin’ you can be managin’ to heap upon your own self durin’ your earthly life.

27 There be the promise of reachin’ perfection in God and Jesus once you be kickin’ the bucket.

28 There be the promise of keepin’ youz outta the Devil’s hands.

29 There be the promise of keepin’ youz in the Father’s hands.

30 There be the promise of a long life on earth.

31 There be the promise of victory.

32 There be the promise of ultimate protection from one’s enemies.

33 There be the promise of power bein’ given to youz.

34 There be the promise to avoid the Great Tribulation if you be sufferin’ enough.

35 And, if you can manage sufferin’ that be incalculable by just about every standard, if youz can be musterin’ that kind o’ sufferin then youz may just be earnin’ a special seat that literally be right next to Jesus up in heaven.

36 How is that for what be a big ass load of promises?

37 But ya’ll be knowin’ what be crazier? Whenever any one of these promises don’t be pannin’ out people be ignorin’ this, sayin’, God just be testin’ me an’ my faith to see if I be remainin’ loyal to him.

Chapter 3

1 When people don’t be understandin’ of the bullshit that pilgrims of the Gospel of Disaster be houndin’ them with, they then be askin’ theyselfs what the hell the disastrous missionaries be talkin’ about. The usual answer be that God is runnin’ diagnostic tests on his people.

2 They entire ideology be completely and totally whacked ‘cause the it just don’t be jivin’ with everythin’ else they be sayin’.

3 Now say youz be somebody who be a practicin’ magician or sorcerer or somethin’ like that, ‘aight? When you be around folks of the Gospel of Disaster they be takin’ pot shots at you sayin’,

4 If what you be believin’ in be real why don’t you ask for something or say a spell or show proof that what you be practicin’ be real?

5 Of course, if youz go and be sayin’ the same thing to someone who be believin’ in the Gospel of Disaster what they say back to you is usually, It be written in the word of God to not be testin’ the Lord your God.

6 How is that happy horse poop for a double standard? Oh, the joys of what be do as I be sayin’ and not as I be doin’.

7 Now if youz be askin’ a pilgrim of the Gospel of Disaster to pray to his God and show proof of his God, and if this pilgrim actually try it, when somethin’ don’t be happnin’ he be claimin’ that God was simply tryin’ to teach him humility.

8 It kinda be the same answer that they be givin’ when youz be askin’ them why bad things be happnin’ to good people and good things be happnin’ to bad people. They always be sayin’ God be testin’ people.

9 This be crap, though. God just ain’t like that. God don’t go about testin’ people by placin’ them in crazy assed sit-gee-ations and makin’ bad shit happen to them.

10 People be makin’ bad shit to be happnin’ to theyselfs, plain and simple.

11 But, lots o’ people in the world don’t want to be admittin’ that human beins be doin’ some crazy shit to theyselfs and others. So, they solutions is to find someone to blame…and they be pickin’ a deity to be blamin’.

12 Then, if youz don’t be buyin’ that answer from them their next favorite answer be that it all be part of the Great Mystery of God and that faith be believin’ in their God even if youz don’t be understandin’ the mystery.

13 Shee-it. You could be hula-hoopin’ with the circles they be tryin’ to talk around people.

14 Now, accordin’ to these muthas there do be people who be understandin’ the Great Mystery, but they catch is that mere regular an’ mortal men don’t be the ones knowin’ the Great Mystery.

15 What they be sayin’ is that holy apostles of they God as well as prophets be havin’ this stuff revealed to them and be given the power to be crammin’ it down peoples throats…I mean teachin’ it to people.

16 So, basically they be sayin’ that there be elements of God that be inaccessible to people. Of course, they also be addin’ that in physical death there do come an understandin’ of what God be in relations to the Great Mystery.

17 I hope ya’ll be knowin’ this be a bunch of bullshit.

18 God don’t be holdin’ out info on people, ‘aight?

19 God, an’ everythin’ that be makin’ up what God be is open and accessible to all peoples no matter where they be, who they be or where they be from.

20 God don’t be withholdin’ anything from anyone, an’ if a person be wantin’ to know and understand what be God this can be done. All they need to be doin’ is openin’ they eyes and they hearts…and they don’t have to be bein’ no damn prophet.

21 Those of the Gospel of Disaster be tellin’ peoples that they cain’t be knowin’ God properly unless they be believin’ in the Gospel of Disaster. This is a load of crap, foh-shizzle it is, and don’t you be forgettin’ it.

22 Anybody can reach out and be graspin’ what God be, what love be and what all of life be. And guess what? Ya’ll don’t have to be waitin’ till you be dyin’ to be discoverin’ the mysteries of God. Just open youz eyes and heart, homey.

23 Be openin’ youz eyes and hearts to the love that be surroundin’ youz and base ya’lls life on all that be love,

24 And in doin’ this you will be findin’ God in a richness that be surpassin’ everythin’, for you then be understandin’ God in height and depth and length and width. That do be the utter truth, foh-shizzle.

Chapter 4

1 I be beggin’ ya’ll to be payin’ attentions to what be bein’ said here, ‘aight?

2 Open ya’lls eyes and hearts and be seein’ things for the way that they be, surrounded with love and kindness and mercy and goodness.

3 For when you be openin’ yourselfs up to this you be recognizin’ how to be makin’ things better, includin’ how to be makin’ yourselfs better and then the more people there be doin’ that the more people be bein’ healed of sorrow.

4 The Gospel of Disaster don’t be makin’ things better in the now. Mainly, that be because it be workin’ in the then. They be sayin’ to not worry about how bad things be now ‘cause later on down the road it be better for folks who be believin’ like them.

5 It be of the utmost importance for ya’ll to be understandin’ that there be many ways to find God and many faiths to be discoverin’ in that process.

6 Ya’ll gots to be diligent in rememberin’ and respectin’ that there be more than one path to God, more than one faith, more than one hope and far, far more than what the Gospel of Disaster be telling’ youz is out there.

7 An’ no matter what crazy shit people be claimin’ you best be knowin’ the love and peace and salvations in this universe be for everyone. Period. There ain’t one group or sect or religion or faith or anythin’ that be better than another in terms of salvations.

8 So, ya’lls don’t be allowin’ youz hearts and minds to be taken captive by any kind of teachin’ that be directin’ your control over your life into they hands at your expense, you dig?

9 You be lettin’ your heart and mind to be discoverin’ the truth for yourself. And then you be takin’ that love and truth and be sharin’ that with as many folks around you as possible, spreadin’ only a message of peace.

10 Be mindful that youz not be fallin’ for crazy talk that be sayin’ this or that religion or faith be better than another.

11 Don’t be fallin’ for the silliness of the Gospel of Disaster that be claimin’ to believe their way or die horribly.

12 Don’t be lettin’ yourself to be gettin’ fooled by a disastrous faith that be claimin’ that pleasure be bad and sufferin’ be good, that the only way to salvations be through some kinda blood sacrificin’. That be flat out bullshit.

13 Open ya’lls hearts and minds and become new people who not only be treatin’ theyselfs and others better, but who be contributin’ to be makin’ things as a whole lotta better for everyone.

14 Put off any desire to be puttin’ one faith or religion over another simply ‘cause you cain’t understand it or somebody be telling’ youz to be that way.

15 When you come across a faith look into it and see if it be havin’ truth and love in it. If it don’t, then my brotha, it don’t be worth your time and affections. Pass on it and be lookin’ for a faith that be healthy in all respects of searchin’ for an’ finding’ love.

16 Don’t be baggin’ on each other just ‘cause you be thinkin’ you goin’ to be with Jesus when you die and someone else ain’t.

17 Instead, ya’lls be good to each other an’ be showin’ mercy and love and assistance and compassion and caring and kindness, ‘cause you know what, homey? This be the way that all that be makin’ up what God be is.

Chapter 5

1 It be important that whatever you be doin’ that you be doin’ it with love and grace and peace.

2 And don’t be offerin’ each other  up for sacrifice just ‘cause you don’t be likin’ what another be believin’ or worshipin’.

3 And when you be seekin’ the pleasure of life don’t be overdoin’ that shit, ‘aight? ‘Cause surely ya’lls be knowin’ that too much of a good thing ain’t no good thing.

4 Do your best to be on ya’lls toes so ya’ll don’t be bein’ fooled by preachers of gospels that don’t be doin’ anybody and everybody no damn good, ‘aight?

5 Do not be tricked into livin’ youz life in fear of a vengeful God, for livin’ your life in fear will be interferin’ with ya’lls understandin’ of peace and love and all that be makin’ up what God be.

6 And when you be discoverin’ a truth of God don’t be tryin’ to keep that to ya’ll self, don’t be stingy with it, but also don’t be frustrated with those people who don’t be understandin’ it,

7 For different people be learnin’ about all the things that be makin’ up what God be at different speeds.

8 And don’t be thinkin’ youz be the only one to be discoverin’ the truth about the light of God. Everybody be havin’ the ability to be open they eyes and they hearts to see the illuminations that be all around them all the time.

9 Don’t be letting’ ya’ll self be participatin’ in actions that be makin’ you be sayin’ crazy shit like your God be better than someone else’s God, ‘cause shit like that be only plantin’ evil little seeds that be producin’ some bad damn fruit.

10 Always be rememberin’ that the day ain’t ever be evil or bad,

11 For even though some of the situations of the day might be bein’ evil and bad that still don’t be takin’ away from the goodness of the day.

12 Consider that even the vineyard master does not destroy his entire crop for the sake of one bad bunch of grapes, you dig?

13 So, ya’ll be doin’ yourselfs a favor and don’t be actin’ a fool, but rather be understandin’ of what love be.

14 And remember that while some drinkin’ be okay it ain’t okay to be getting’ yo’ ass slobberin’ drunk, you dig? You cain’t be expectin’ to be discoverin’ the truth around you if yo’ ass be three-full-sails-to-the-wind drunk all the damn time.

15 Make sure you be playin’ some good music in your life, ‘cause everybody be knowin’ that music do be calmin’ the savage beast.

16 When speakin’ to another person be speakin’ to them properly and don’t be offendin’ them and callin’ them dumb ass names or makin’ them feel bad ‘cause that shit ain’t right, you dig?

17 Be thankful for everything that be around you and for all the people that be around you and for your talents and for your opportunities, for the more thankful you be about somethin’ the more of it you be gettin’.

18 And if two people be married, whether they be a man and a woman or a woman and a woman or a man and a man, be good to each other and be showin’ love to each other everyday. Treat each other with love and respect and equality, not subjugation.

19 Don’t be forgettin’ to be lovin’ yourselfs along the way ‘cause if you don’t be lovin’ yourselfs how in the fuck do you be expectin’ to love anybody else?

20 For the fools who be hatin’ on themselves be hatin’ on everybody else as well.

21 And it ain’t be no goddamn mystery to be treatin’ people the way you be wantin’ to be treated, so don’t be treatin’ people in a manner that be puttin’ fear in them and if you do I be tellin’ you right now that shit be comin’ right back your way.

Chapter 6

1 Wherever you be goin’ and whatever you be doin’ you best be treatin’ people with honor and respect, for to do so be to be recognizin’ love.

2 And be good to ya’lls moms and pops and don’t be disrespectin’ them, and when they be gettin’ old you best be takin’ care of them and not be tryin’ to shut them away in a old folks home where they be feelin’ despondent, an’ shit.

3 And if you be havin’ children you best be doin’ everythin’ you can possibly be doin’ to teach them properly and to protect them and show them love.

4 And when your kids be fuckin’ up, foh-shizzle they will as we all do, don’t be beatin’ them down with the failure of what they done gone and done. Show them how to be learnin’ from they mistakes.

5 Considerin’ that fact that I be pretty sure ya’ll don’t be wantin’ to be treated as slaves, don’t you be treatin’ nobody as a slave, you dig?

6 And if you be tryin’ to be tellin’ someone about the love in this universe and all that be makin’ up what God be and they don’t be understandin’ don’t be givin’ them a hard time. Some people be takin’ longer to be understandin’ some things.

7 When crazy or bad things be happnin’ in youz life don’t be blamin’ that shit on the Devil. Blame it on yourselfs and your bad decisions and your bad actions.

8 Never, ever should you be usin’ your faith or your understandin’ of what God be as a weapon against others of different faiths or no faith at all, for there be absolutely zero honor in such a thing.

9 And when you be prayin’ you be prayin’ for everyone to be experiencin’ peace and love and salvations.

10 Be an ambassador of consideration and love and peace and friendliness and hope and joy, and don’t be lettin’ no ass-backward, damnation teachin’ faith to be screwin’ with you and fillin’ you with fear.

11 Remember these things that I be sayin’ to you and you shall see that so many things be goin’ better for you in your life, you dig?

12 I gots to be hittin’ the road now, ‘aight? May the blessin’ of all that be good and lovin’ in this universe be upon you and your life in every way possible.

The Book of Flippin’

Chapter 1

1 My brothas! What it be is what it was, what it is and what it’s gonna be!

2 May the blessin’ of all that be love in this here universe be findin’ its way to you and be blessin’ youz in every way possible.

3 Ya’ll be firm in youz understandin’ that your knowledge of the love that be surroundin’ you will place into youz life many wonderful things.

4 If you be findin’ that a professed faith be tyin’ you down with fear in spiritual bondage you best be lettin’ go, for no amount of fear ever made anything better, you dig?

5 Your actions of what be love in this universe will be the testament to what be your understandin’ of all that be makin’ up what God be.

6 Live each day for the love and the joy that fill it and always be sharin’ that with all those around you.

7 Should you be comin’ across a faith that be teachin’ cruel commandments and hatred of those different than you don’t let it be touchin’ the foundations of love you be buildin’ up within yourself.

8 Some people be teachin’ Christ and love and salvation and Jesus and God, but then they be treatin’ people of other faiths and beliefs with disregard and loathin’. Do not be as these.

9 Never be causing those around you grief an’ dishonor. Neither be doin’ that shit to ya’ll self, ‘cause that shit be disgraceful to yourselfs and all those around you, you dig?

10 Be behavin’ properly whether or not you be all on your lonesome or around other people.

11 And don’t be bothered and worried by people preachin’ hellfire an’ damnation ‘cause, frankly speakin’, most of them simply don’t be knowin’ any better.

12 And don’t be tryin’ to argue the tenets of faith and love with these people because tryin’ to do that be like beatin’ a goddamn dead horse. Shee-it.

13 And you be doin’ well unto yourself by rememberin’ that salvations be for all. Not only that, but never be forgettin’ that salvations don’t be connected with sufferin’ of any kind. There be no grace or salvations in sufferin’.

Chapter 2

1 There cannot be peace and love and solace and mercy and grace in the teachings of the Gospel of Disaster, for this gospel be one grounded in sufferin’.

2 To be part of such a consumin’ faith as the Gospel of Disaster is to have all the joy sucked right out of your life faster than you ever be thinkin’ possible.

3 Do not do as those of the Gospel of Disaster who incessantly be encouragin’ rivalry of faith, for there ain’t be no such thing.

4 Such fools be claimin’ to be knowin’ everything about anything, but they ain’t even be knowin’ theyselfs so they don’t know shit about the shit they be talkin’ about.

5 They don’t be understandin’ that God be sustainin’ everyone and be open and available to everyone, not just the nutty zealots who be claimin’ to be havin’ all the answers that nobody else be havin’.

6 These people, poor misled souls that they be, just don’t be gettin’ it that God and everything that be makin’ up what God be don’t be subjectin’ anyone to sufferin’ and sure as shit don’t be givin’ salvations through sufferin’.

7 The very idea of salvations through sufferin’ is absurd and makes about as much sense as becomin’ honest and truthful through tellin’ lies. Not gonna happen.

8 And that which be bein’ above all be love, for love is of God and is God and for God and to God and because of God. That be some straight up legit truth, my brothas.

9 Therefore, when you be knowin’ God you be knowin’ love, and when you be knowin’ love you be knowin’ God.

10 And it is in this love that all things exist whether that be in the heavens or on earth or under the earth, and there cannot be one knee that can bow and not be in love for love fills everything and all.

11 It be that by the understandin’ and confession of love that all beings be understandin’ and livin’ their salvations.

12 Know that it be true that God is never absent and love is never absent,

13 For the meanin’ of one is the meanin’ of the other, and where the one be so be the other one also.

14 And so it be within you the knowledge that it be just fine to be willin’ to be workin’ for pleasure.

15 Remember that it ain’t pleasures that be bad for you, but rather it be the over-indulgence of pleasures that can be fuckin’ you up somethin’ horrible.

16 Ya’ll best be understandin’ that in livin’ each day for love and joy youz never, ever be livin’ or runnin’ or laborin’ in vain.

17 If you be wantin’ to be showin’ concern for another ya’ll best be genuinely concerned lest your ass be caught in a big and terrible lie, you dig?

18 Do not heap upon each other sorrow after sorrow by tryin’ to be drawin’ lines of whose God or whose interpretation of God be better.

19 Instead, ya’ll be seekin’ the grace and the honor of the love that be encompassin’ all things that be.

Chapter 3

1 No matter what may be happnin’ in ya’lls day, you be always be findin’ somethin’ to be joyful about, you dig?

2 Be careful and be wary of those muthas who be tryin’ to make everythin’ look sad and morose and somber and sinful, for these assholes simply be busybodies who ain’t got nothin’ better to do than be harassin’ others.

3 Be confident in ya’ll understandin’ of love for it really do be conquerin’ all, but youz gots to remember to be lettin’ it conquer all,

4 For any tool ain’t useful to the worker who don’t be usin’ it properly, in the manner in which it be intended to be used.

5 And don’t be fooled into thinkin’ that just by practicin’ things that be supposed to be makin’ you holy that you suddenly be holy. It don’t be workin’ that way, you dig?

6 For just ‘cause you may be choppin’ your peter in the ceremony of circumcision that don’t be makin’ you holy, no way, no-how, and it sure don’t be makin’ you better than nobody else or more chosen by God, you dig?

7 What really be countin’ is that you be knowin’ and feelin’ and spreadin’ the love that be everywhere and that be God.

8 And when people start to be seein’ the love that be around them on a more frequent basis then they be seein’ the excellence of all that be God. By seein’ this they can realize there don’t ever need to be no sufferin’ for anythin’.

9 To know love is to know the power of God, and to know the power of God be to be knowin’ that through love there ain’t be no possibility for there to be any sufferin’.

10 Then people finally be seein’ that nobody needs to be fightin’ and clamorin’ for some fantastical prize of a grand resurrection at some second comin’,

11 For the truth be that though the body may change and succomb to what be death the soul and the spirit still be there, for it must be known that nothing’ ever really be dyin’.

12 The body by which the soul and the spirit be operatin’ may be changin’ but that is all it be…change. Nothin’ ever really be dyin’, and because of that there cain’t be no resurrection because nothing’ be dead, ‘aight?

13 Do not be like those who be treatin’ faith and the pursuit of all that be God as some type of spiritual race to be winnin’ for the favor of Christ. That be preposterous especially since love and God be for all and in all and through all and of all.

14 There ain’t be one thing that God be givin’ or revealin’ to another man that he don’t be givin’ or revealin’ to all others, foh-shizzle that be the utter truth.

15 Therefore all you crazies out there who seriously be thinkin’ that ya’ll be the only people to be saved by God and rescued from the ultimate bar-b-cue of Armageddon get a damn clue and grow the fuck up. Who the hell are you to be stingy with faith?

16 Who are you to be twistin’ the words of men who really were prophets so that they words be meanin’ what you be wantin’ them to be meanin’?

17 Who do you think you be goin’ about and intimidatin’ people with your violent holy rhetoric?

18 There be plenty of people out there who be professin’ their faith and their love of God, but it be by they actions and they vindictive words that they be found to be enemies of all that love be.

19 For true love do not be pickin’ and choosin’, but rather be embracin’ all.

Chapter 4

1 My brothas, understand that if you be wantin’ your salvations all youz gots to be doin’ is recognizin’ all the love that be surroundin’ youz. That be all youz gots to do.

2 Youz don’t need to be worryin’ about which faith you be drawn to or practicin’.

3 Youz don’t need to be worryin’ about how much you be sufferin’ and if that sufferin’ be enough to be buyin’ youz a mansion next to Jesus when you be dyin’.

4 Youz don’t need to be worryin’ about falling away from all that be God, for such a thing be impossible, you dig?

5 Ya’ll be rejoicing’ in the love that be surroundin’ you, because fear only be screwin’ things up for everybody.

6 Do not waste your time livin’ each day in fear that at any moment a vengeful God and his even more vengeful son are gonna be poppin’ out from around the corner to condemn everybody who don’t be believin’ in a special way.

7 Such a testament is not one that be of a lovin’ God, but rather be one of a twisted, stingy, selfish, loathsome, picky, temper-tantrum throwin’ little kid of a deity who don’t know any better than to be harassin’ everybody around him.

8 So, don’t be getting’ all crazy and be feelin’ like you need to be goin’ out in the world and tryin’ to convert people to any faith. Love and God and everything that be God surrounds everyone and everything. Sooner or later all find love.

9 Forget about wastin’ time and effort on tryin’ to convert the masses and instead focus on love,

10 For if you cain’t even be seein’ the love that be surroundin’ you and the salvations that be surroundin’ you then how do you be figurin’ you can be showin’ anyone the value of love and all that be makin’ up what God be?

11 And once you be discoverin’ love and all that be God then you also be findin’ out that if you don’t be likin’ the circumstances you be in you can actually be changin’ those circumstances just as the power of God allows.

12 You can be doin’ all things by love, by God, and by the love of God and all things that be makin’ up what God be.

13 For the love of God is ultimate will.

14 And if you be wantin’ somethin’ and you also be havin’ love, then through love and the power of all that be makin’ up what God be what you be willin’ shall be what you be gettin’.

15 So it be the utter truth, foh-shizzle it do, that if you be havin’ the power of love that you then be havin’ the will of God,

16 And if you be havin’ the will of God then it shall be for you as second nature to be aboundin’ in all things.

17 And in your gratefulness of the love that you be understandin’ you shall be findin’ that God do be fulfillin’ ya’lls every need.

18 May the mighty love of God be blessin’ all ya’ll whether or not you be professors of the Tenement Gospel or prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster.

19 May all that be great and grand and glorious in this universe be findin’ its way to you.

The Book of Carlos

Chapter 1

1 Carlos, a prisoner of San Quentin through the will of the people in The People vs. Carlos,

2 I be givin’ thanks to the jury for not givin’ me the chair. Jesus Christ! I was prayin’ for mercy!

3 Anyways, this letter be to the governor of the state I be incarcerated in, havin’ heard you would be grantin’ clemency to five criminals,

4 I be writin’ to you in hopes I be one of the five to be granted clemency.

5 I be comin’ to prison for crimes that I be dearly sorry for. In addition to that I am now a different man for I have found Jesus while here in prison.

6 Jesus Mendez be in the cell next to me and he be telling’ me about the craziness of the shit I done did.

7 The crimes that I be guilty of were these: Theft of Hope, Embezzlement of Faith, Felony Frightening, Preaching Disaster Without a License, Spiritual False Imprisonment, Conspiracy to Inflict Despondency, Intentional Misinterpretation,

8 Contributing to the Delinquency of Happiness, Felony Solicitation of Stupidity, Intentional Neglect of Love, Disturbing the Inner Peace, Assault With a Deadly Dogma, Mutilation of All Hope, Withholding Divine Evidence, Ethereal Vandalism,

9 Unlawful Operation of a Negative Divine Message, Perjury, Unlawful Removal of a Valid Faith, Encroachment of Personal Spiritual Property, Trespassing on Private Hopes and Dreams, Spiritual Homicide, Felony Faith Fraud, Felony Harassment of Faith,

10 Slander of Truth, Libel of Love, Poisoning the Well, Attempted Robbery of Hope, Conspiracy to Commit Murder of Hope, Felony Divine Misrepresentation, Impersonation of a Caring Representative of Divine Faiths, Counterfeiting Peace,

11 Marketing and Selling Known Defective Religious Theory, Impersonation of a Caring Individual, Contributing to the Delinquency of Friendships, Contributing to the Delinquency of Families, Contributing to the Delinquency of Gullible Individuals,

12 Encouragement of Intentional Neglect of the Profoundness of Truth, Intentional Distortion of the Love of That Which is God, Attempted Withholding of the Truths of Salvations, Felony Wrongful Judgments of Individuals of Different Faiths,

13 Felony Wrongful Judgments of Individuals of No Faith, Attempted Reconciliation of Predestination and Freewill, Intentional Misinterpretation of Destiny, Intentional Misinterpretation of Freewill, Intentional Neglect of the Wide Path,

14 Felony Vandalism of the Narrow Path, Felony Aberrant Interpretation of Love, Intentional Injection of Flotsam and Jetsam in Faiths, Felony Mental Abuse Through Intentional Instillation of Deep Fear, Felony Mental Farming of Fear,

15 Encouragement of Severe Mental Disease Through Instillation of Deep Fear, Felony Instruction of the Hate of Those Who Believe Differently, and Felony Instruction of Destructive Social Behavior Through Holier-Than-Thou Religious Ideology.

16 When I first be getting’ here I remember sayin’ that I was here because God was testin’ my faith.

17 For a long time I sat and convinced myself I be here ‘cause of the needed sufferin’, the required sufferin’ in order to be qualifyin’ for eternal salvations.

18 But after long talks with Jesus I now see that I be here of the actions of my own freewill.

19 Now I be sittin’ here in the quandary I be creatin’ of my misled desire to be better than everybody else, my heart torn by the chaos I helped to be creatin’, my soul achin’ for those I turned away from love,

20 Askin’ for your forgiveness.

Chapter 2

1 I wish I could be sayin’ that I didn’t be knowin’ any better, but that wouldn’t be the truth at this point.

2 I had been a pusher and dealer of disaster for far too long to not see and understand what really be goin’ down, that I had been knowin’ full well for a long time what I had been doin’.

3 I used my personal gifts and talents of gab and presence to dazzle people who would be willin’ to listen with a story that couldn’t possibly be true.

4 But it was with a gilded tongue and a severely misplaced sense of superiority that I painted a picture of the ability to have something that everyone else didn’t have unless they be believin’ in a certain way

5 Sure, I would tell people that some peoples did have it but they were the special ones, the exceptions, the saved, the chosen, the risen, the achievers, the winners, the over-comers,

6 And wouldn’t they like to be as these people? Achievers and winners and over-comers? Of course they did. I knew they would, if I only be pushin’ the right buttons.

7 I tried to pass off my own stubborn misunderstandings as valid truths, and then I sold these twisted ideals of false faith to those lookin’ for answers to their divine an’ spiritual questions.

8 See, when I was a younger man, involved with my studyin’ and tryin’ to be settin’ myself in the world, I was searchin’ for many answers to big questions I had.

9 There had to be something more than jes’ runnin’ my father’s bid’ness and travelin’ to Rome, Capernaum, Athens, Alexandria, Carthage and other places to sell an’ be makin’ money.

10 I had plenty of money and houses and land as the heir to all my father had been building’ over the years as a popular Roman businessman,

11 But for some reason I be feelin’ at times that somethin’ be missin’, maybe somethin’ that was right there before me that I jes’ wasn’t seein’.

12 Then my pal Decafapopulous told me about this new church he had been attending and that it was really changin’ his life an’ givin’ him answers that he felt like he had been lookin’ for.

13 He said they be singin’ and prayin’ and just enjoyin’ everythin’ about life. So, I thought why not an’ joined up.

14 It seemed like they be havin’ this wonderful love about them all the time. They was always happy an’ singin’ praises. I think that was one of the things I be likin’ the most, you know, the singin’.

15 I be experiencin’ this openness an’ joy that I ain’t ever experienced up to that point. And they be sayin’, You wants to be experiencin’ even more love of God?

16 Of course, I be sayin’ yes. So they be telling’ me to be acceptin’ Jesus as my personal savior and I did. It was somethin’ so new, an’ of course with new things you really don’t be seein’ what really is or isn’t different.

17 There wasn’t no damn thing different when I be sayin’ Jesus was my savior, ‘aight? You know what really be makin’ me to be feelin’ different? My own attitude, my own efforts to see the joy in anything and everything.

18 But what I didn’t be seein’ was the efforts of the church I joined to be attributin’ everything of all the joy I be feelin’ to the fact that I be in that particular church and practicin’ those particular beliefs.

19 I believed that this was the truth. I really, really thought that my seemingly new found joy an’ feelin’ of love had everythin’ to do with my increasin’ capacity for love and joy.

20 As time tick-tocked along I allowed my self to be believin’ things ‘bout faith and salvations that just could not be true no way an’ no how,

21 And within’ a very short time indeed, I had foolishly committed myself to the errant religious ideology that I had direct access to God that other people either willfully neglected, or who simply lacked the access to in some way or other.

22 But what I think be the most devastatin’ thing about the whole sit-gee-ation is that at one point  I allowed myself to begin believin’ that this ‘ticlar church was the only reason I was feelin’ so much joy and love and peace.

23 I had quite wantonly given full credit for the increase of my own joy to the church, never once pausin’ to be thinkin’ that perhaps I had discovered my own joy for myself through a simple shift in my thinkin’ patterns.

25 Lookin’ back I don’t really be understandin’ how I didn’t see certain bedbug crazy crackpot religious instructions much earlier than I did.

Chapter 3

1 As I settled into my membership with this church I began to be fully embracin’ of the love apparent.

2 The church would host several congregation-wide picnics a couple of times a month, would host monthly evening potlucks, would host weekend trips to the beach where we be grunion hunting, we would spend hours playing guitars and singing to God.

3 The list of joyous, quasi- religious interactions between all church members when they were away from actual church-an-pulpit was a lengthy list indeed. In addition to the adult activities the children’s groups were fantastic.

4 I remember my own kids enjoyin’ makin’ macaroni art, painting, and all sorts of fun things.

5 The church itself was a fairly new version of faith and so the leaders, elders as they were soon called, organized members into groups where we would be instructed on studying our bibles.

6 So, we began to study our bibles and we also adjusted our lives according to the things that we studied about what God wanted us to be doing in our lives.

7 It seemed to me that the prevailing message was that God was blessing everybody all the time and they would be seein’ this if they only opened their eyes to what be obvious.

8 In order for many of the congregation members to better understand the parts of the bible that we be studyin’ the elders collaborated with each other to create essay booklets that explained what the scriptures of our bible be meanin’.

9 This way people would be havin’ a better clue as to what they were supposed to be doin’ all the time.

10 The church began to create additional meeting times where the congregation would come and study specific essay booklets. The weekly church meetings bloomed from one or two a week to six and seven a week.

11 We began to read the booklets more and more, memorizing them, chanting them to each other and ourselves in an effort to be what leaders called bein’ filled with the spirit at all times.

12 To those of us who be in the church God was blessin’ us more and more all the time.

13 But with the number of the essay booklets describin’ the scriptures increasing along with the meetings, the amount of time we spent singing decreased dramatically as did the picnics, trips to the beach, camping trips, and pretty much everything that be fun.

14 Of course, I be seein’ this shit now, but hey, hindsight is always twenty-twenty, ‘aight?

15 Anyways, in this church group we began to read more and more of the essay booklets, memorizing them, loudly chanted them to each other over and over in an exercise we had dubbed pray reading.

16 Soon, we were readin’ the essay booklets far more than our regular scriptures and our lives had become ever more structured accordin’ to what we were told God wanted us to be doin’ with ourselves.

17 We took great measure to cut ourselves off from The World which was a tool of the Devil.

18 It was the Devil and his use of The World that we had to fear the most.

19 We were taught that in order to better secure ourselves we needed to detach ourselves from The World as much as possible and this included stoppin’ activities of The World.

20 Our scripture interpretations and the essay booklets that were taught to us stressed the fact that we were under constant bombardment from The World, but due to the inherent truth of our faith and our beliefs we were safe,

21 So long as we did everything we could to separate ourselves and our actions from The World.

22 No one had the anointing of God the way we did, at least that was what we were instructed.

23 To us, it was obvious that God was blessing us more and more over anybody else, religious group or not.

Chapter 4

1 Everybody likes to feel special. Everybody likes to think that they have something wonderful that others do not have. And even more than that, everybody be likin’ to think that in order for someone to get what they have something special must be done.

2 And it is true, those who be thinkin’ that they have whatever it is that they think is so special often pad such thoughts with feelings of superiority.

3 This is such as it be for those congregation members of this church.

4 Their feelings of superiority did not suffer for want of light, no, because they sure as hell flaunted what they thought of as their unique and superior understanding of what they done thought of as the only truth in the world.

5 If people did not study the way this church did, read what it read, speak what it spoke, learned what it taught, lived the way it instructed to do and a whole bunch of other shit then those people were not saved from The World,

6 In fact those people would be considered as being consumed by The World, lost in The World, and full fledged members of The World.

7 And what was the only way to be saved from The World? To be completely and totally cut off from The World. Totally. Don’t that be soundin’ like some crazy shit?

8 And that was about the time of the church’s birthin’ of its twisted ideology of congregation members takin’ steps to prove to The World and everyone in it that they were saved, not of The World, and certainly not tempted by the Devil.

9 Congregation members were instructed to live everything apart from The World and not involve The World in any way, shape, or form in their lives.

10 Eager to honor their interpretation of God and their interpretation of one truth, and eager to not only be worthy of salvation, but to be over-comers as well, these people of the congregation cut the things of The World out of their lives.

11 Since vanity is of The World most church members stopped going to hair salons to style their hair or dye it. The few church members who still did were openly frowned upon. Ain’t that be a strange slice of Wonder Bread?

12 Since items of comfort were viewed as items of The World that the Devil used in order to lure people away from God many church members got rid of those items in their homes that were considered to be of The World. Foh-shizzle, this was how it be.

13 In what was a strange and pagan-like ritual church members gathered at a local beach one night. It was there that they brought items, worldly items that had been in their homes, and proceeded to burn them in the fire pits for bonfires. This be the plain truth, my brothas.

14 Televisions, video game consoles, comic books, puzzles, toys, children’s books about fairies and nursery tales, clothing items such as jean jackets and leather jackets were all burned in a frenzy of flames and raucous chanting of biblical verses.

15 And where was I? Right there along side the fire pits, urging people to root out The World and its influence from their lives.

16 But these items of The World were apparently so dangerous and so guilty of tryin’ to mislead the lambs of the world that simply rooting them out was not enough. These items needed to be destroyed in order to keep them from harmin’ and misleadin’ more people.

17 It wasn’t just the ideas of others and the writings of those outside of the church that were so very dangerous. It was the possibility that people in the congregation could in fact be convinced to believe otherwise. Books with different ideas were done considered very dangerous.

18 If it wasn’t from the bible or about the bible then it was of The World, and in Nazi fashion church elders watched as people threw books by the dozen into the fire pits.

19 And where was I? Right there along side those who threw books into the flames, rooting them on, and encouragin’ them in senseless destruction,

20 And totally oblivious to the fact that our version of faith had evolved into a Nazi Communist police state as it went from telling people about God to telling people what to read and what to think and what to feel.

Chapter 5

1 Fallen away from the true faith of God. Tryin’ to be saved by good works. Outside of the salvation offered by God.

2 That was the description of Mother Teresa that I gave to a whole bunch of teenagers at one of the church’s many youth camps. But, I am afraid to say, I said and did even worse things.

3 After a certain point where I had been in the church for many, many years I had been delegated as one of the elders and I worked quite closely with those who managed the youth group activities.

4 We came up with a plan to better prepare the children to defend themselves from against The World.

5 We were very sure to relate to the teenagers the dangers of drugs, erratic behavior, and sexual promiscuity. We were also very sure to be directly relatin’ these things to the dangers of The World.

6 Doin’ everything possible to scare the beejesus out of these young kids we always painted a very bleak picture of those teens outside of our church group. We always said it was those kids who lost their temptations with The World.

7 Our church was not touched by the terrible scenarios suffered by teens on the outside, no way. Our teens were done sheltered and protected from The World because of what we done believed.

8 We told these teens about the Second Coming of Christ, that Christ actually wanted to come back and claim his bride of the church. In order to do that, if these teens could help to show God and Jesus that we were all ready for rapture,

9 Well, we could actually help this day to arrive. And with young rubber minds that teens often have it was easy to be convincin’ them of this increasingly aberrant religious ideology.

10 So, we invented our own type of religious boot camp for the teenagers of our church group, foh-shizzle we did.

11 We would pick various cities of localities of our church and created two week through two month long indoctrinatin’ programs where the kids had an actual military-like daily schedule.

12 Every minute of the day was done planned for these kids. Even the private time was supposed to be spent in silent prayer to God.

13 No television was allowed, neither was any kind of music other than our own church music, no outside books, no outside clothes, no outside anything.

14 Every morning we would wake the kids up at four-thirty and spend one hour doin’ military-like physical training. Our cadences consisted of either bible verses or quotes from the essay books repeated again and again and again, ad nauseum.

15 Then we put these kids through twelve and fourteen hour days of gettin’ the essay books and the bible crammed down their throats. We were sure to be scarin’ them with stories of the Antichrist and the dangers of The World.

16 We done told the kids that if they ever heard anyone speaking contrary to what we had taught them that it was the Devil trying to take them away from God, and in order to prevent this from happenin’ they needed to drop all of their friends who did not believe the same.

17 We told these kids that if they worked hard enough and listened good enough and held our version of faith strong enough then they could absolutely convince Christ to come back for the Second Coming. Don’t that be some crazy cracker jack?

18 And most of these kids tried just that. We set up a sort of young missionary program where we would guide the kids what college degrees to be pickin’. Then once out of college they were each to donate a minimum of three years to The Lord.

19 And we were very sure to inform the kids regularly that no one else’s word or advice done held any sway over their required service to The Lord, not even the words of their parents. Any opposite opinions and words were pure poison to The Lord’s work, we done said.

20 We told the kids that the college majors that they picked needed to be in an area of study that would benefit our church and The Lord’s work. If they done tried to pick a major different than what the church wanted we were quick to tell them they were being poisoned by The World.

21 At one point we done even foolishly set a date that was supposed to be the time when Jesus would finally come back, largely due to our church’s youth convincing him to do so.

22 Of course he did not come back. Shee-it.

23 We told the kids that God had granted a reprieve in order for the youth ministering to save more people. Later, in the dead of long nights, I would think for hours that what people done needed to be saved from was our poisonous brand of religion.

24 We were the ones who had fallen away from everything that be God. We were the ones teaching separation and salvation through works. We were the ones taking somethin’ as beautiful as faith and carelessly crushing it with our desire to control.

25 We done had a majority of the kids so brainwashed I feel ashamed when I think of it now. We had the kids constantly chanting and repeating the rhetoric we crammed down their throats.

26 They were not normal teenagers who be talkin’ about boys and girls and movies and favorite rock stars. No. We deprived them of such small joys. They were so brainwashed if you asked one about what movies were playing in theaters he or she would immediately start to chant and pray verses from the scriptures, or from the essay booklets.

27 And then it began to happen. Like the water in a dam that finds a crack through which to escape, people done started leaving our church group and from many different city localities.

28 They were silent, at first. Many did not want to be makin’ waves or offendin’ people who had been their friends for years. But then we done started to hear things, little things at first.

29 People were tired of being told what to wear, that to think, where to work and what to study.

30 One particular individual who had in fact been a good friend of mine for many years told me that the church group had fallen away from the whole point of worshippin’ God in the first place, which was to love and show love.

31 He told me faith was not about how people done dressed or whether or not they done bought nice things with their money. Faith, he said, was simple loving of every moment of every day and sharing that love with the people around you.

32 Faith, he said, was not withholding or accusing or haughty or picky or loathsome or arrogant or prejudiced or closed off to those who done either believed differently or not at all.

33 I told him he could not spread such poison around the members of the church, that it was the Devil trying to inject The World into our understandin’ of God and being moved by his spirit.

34 He done tried telling me that we were making a mistake by thinkin’ we had a special line to God, that we thought we were better than anyone else, and that we had no right to be tellin’ people how to live, what to say and who to be lovin’.

35 We banished him. All of us elders of our locality, we done banished him. This man and his family had been my friends for years and I done banished him. Where was the love of God that I claimed to have in my heart? Shee-it.

36 Since when do friends be treatin’ each other in such an obtuse manner? Since when did I have a right to tell other people to run their lives according to how I thought God was telling me to run my life?

37 Does not God be movin’ in each man according to his own heart?

38 But I was far too stubborn, too stubborn even for listenin’ to my own reasoning. And I set about destroying my life under the guise that I was done behaving as God told me and wanted me to behave. But, I knew deep inside this shit could not be true,

39 For what kind of God claimin’ to be the embodiment of love would shut people out the way we were doing? What kind of lovin’ God would be so prejudiced with whom he did and did not extend his love to?

40 And then one day I was done arrested by the Freedom Police and convicted of the afore mentioned charges. Now I see, yes, that I done be completely guilty of all of the charges, but now I also be understandin’ the truth of love and all that be makin’ up what God be.

41 But at the time of my arrest I did not be admittin’ my wrongdoing. I was firm in my religious superiority and haughtily stated that my incarceration was nothing more than a test of my faith by God.

42 That was about the time that I done found Jesus. He was done moved into the empty cell adjacent to mine and we began to talk. I told him I was being persecuted by the Freedom Police, but he was quick to point out,

43 Homey, the Freedom Police don’t be arrestin’ anybody unless they be deprivin’ people of freedoms, you dig? So obviously you were doin’ somethin’ wrong else yo’ ass wouldn’t be here. What you done gone and did?

44 So I told him everything, and when I finished my story I done basked in the martyr tears that shone in my eyes, so sure that the crazy selflessness of my faith had done been vindicated. I was wrong, shee-it.

45 Over many conversations Jesus done discussed with me that different people done have different ways of viewin’ God and that some people don’t even wish to believe in a God and there ain’t be no problem with that.

46 He also set me right in regards to my twisted ideals that people must live in very specific ways in order to be done given salvations, for all men have done already been saved and redeemed and nothing I claim can change that.

47 He done opened my eyes to my mistakes of religious superiority and robbin’ people of their dreams through disillusionment and instillation of fear. He pointed out my issues with tryin’ to control people and what they wore, studied and believed.

48 Jesus opened the eyes of my heart and showed me how horribly I had been treatin’ people and how prejudiced I had done been to people of different faiths or no faiths, people who done had different sexual preferences than my own and people who wanted nothin’ to do with my poisonous religion.

49 And so I write to you, hoping that you will be able to see that I am a changed man, that I have done changed my ways and my beliefs, that I am no longer in the least bit concerned with trying to be gettin’ everyone to believe what I believe and do what I be doin’.

50 I am sorry I done corralled people with fear and set them against each other. I am sorry I done told people to forsake their friends and family members who believed differently than the church I was in believed.

51 I am sorry I done stomped on the dreams of others and done tried to use them to further my own misguided religious superiority. I am sorry I done tried to convince people there is only one hope and one faith and one interpretation of God.

52 I am so sorry that I done took the desire of some people to believe in all things divine and done stomped on that desire and made it into somethin’ ugly and painful and hurtful and divisive and controllin’ and frightening.

53 I am sorry for tryin’ to wrangle and control the freedoms of people from people and I am sorry for tryin’ to convince people that they did not be havin’ the freedom to choose without sufferin’ severe consequences for not choosin’ what someone done wanted them to choose.

54 I am sorry for neglectin’ the joys of life and not livin’ to love and lovin’ to live. I am sorry for encouragin’ hopelessness.

55 In closing this letter to you I be askin’ for your forgiveness. Please, forgive me and grant me clemency so that I done may go out into The World and be remindin’ people of the wonderful freedoms they have, to remind them of the love that be in and of and for everything and everyone,

56 And to remind them that all paths done lead to God.

The Book of I ‘Lonians

Chapter 1

1 Pablo and Cisco on Locoweed to the mental asylum that be in ‘Loniaca that some people be callin’ a church,

2 Regardless of the crazy shit you done did and said and the crap you be denyin’ that you be responsible for and our resulting differences,

3 May the love of the universe and all that be makin’ up what God is be blessin’ yo’ asses mightily. For everyone be deserving’ of the love of that which be God, ya’ll be diggin’ that truth?

4 See, me an’ Cisco, yup I be Pablo, we be discussin’ how grateful we be to all that be God that we ain’t be endin’ up like the mental cases ya’ll be turnin‘ out to be like.

5 Ya’ll be thinking’ there ain’t be no creases in yo’ faith, an’ it be tough like the dickens and a work o’ love.

6 But yo’ silly asses be deluded by yo’ desire to be the only peoples to be havin’ the supposed only truth in what be this universe and this eternity.

7 What be makin’ matters even worse is the fact that ya’ll silly asses don’t be seein’ the folly of your supposed faith,

8 For ya’ll be spendin’ ridiculous amounts of time tryin’ to be bridgin’ the facets of ya’lls ideology that don’t be makin’ no goddamn sense and that don’t be connectin’ in the least bit with the love that ya’lls be sayin’ youz have access to. Shee-it.

9 First let’s be talkin’ abouts the love that you be sayin’ youz and nobody else be havin’ access to unless they be believin’ like you be believin’.

10 Now, ya’ll really put some effort into thinkin’ about this, ‘aight?

11 If it is love that be everywhere, foh-shizzle it is, then it don’t be matterin’ one bit whether or not somebody be believin’ like ya’ll do, you dig?

12 They be havin’ love, they be fallin’ in love, they be expressin’ love, they be for love and to love and surrounded by love…just like youz and everybody else everywhere.

13 Ya’ll don’t have sole and true access to all that be love and God ‘cause of how you be believin’, so ya’ll can get right down offa dat pony right now, ‘aight? This ain’t no damn spiritual Del Mar where you be racin’ divine ponies for salvations. Shee-it.

14 You be sayin’ that you be knowin’ the love of God, but you be the first muthas to be stingy with ya’lls love sayin’ this or that person don’t be gettin’ that love cause they not be believin’ like youz be wantin’ or maybe cause theys gay. Shee-it.

15 Ya’ll be a buncha stupid mutha suckas.

Chapter 2

1 Now let’s be talkin’ about ya’lls version and interpretation of what be salvations, ‘aight?

2 Ya’lls version of salvation be makin’ ‘bout as much sense as them idiots who came to the New World claimin’ Manifest Destiny and claimin’ to be bringin’ civilization and then they be endin’ up killin’ off Native American tribes on purpose.

3 I ain’t sure where the fuck ya’lls went to bible college an’ salvations school, but in case youz didn’t be knowin’ the term salvation be meanin’ that somethin’ be saved, not killed, you stupid fuckas. An’ incase ya ain’t guessed it ain’t no damn civilization neither.

4 Since when do killin’ and murderin’ qualify as some kinda apparent destiny or qualify as anythin’ even remotely reminiscent of civilizations that anybody really want to be havin’ brought to them?

5 And whenever somebody don’t want to be hearin’ your jive ya’ll be quick to either re-cram your crap religious opinions down their throat or youz be labelin’ them as heathen, Devil worshippers, or prisoners of The World.

6 Ya’ll also do your damnedest to be convincin’ people that ya’ll be havin’ the only valid way to be acquirin’ salvations through youz version of Jesus,

7 But the truth be that ya’ll be interpretin’ what Jesus said so it be fittin’ whatever stupid and twisted ideology you be pumpin’ into the world.

8 And ya’ll say some pretty backward shit that don’t be makin’ no sense no how, ‘aight?

9 Ya’ll say people ain’t be saved by works an’ if they do try it they stupid, but then ya’lls stupid asses go and say shit like Jesus don’t be wantin’ people to be wearin’ make-up an’ nice clothes and havin’ nice and expensive thangs,

10 But ain’t you suckas see that that be the same bullcrap as tryin’ to be saved by works? See? You stupid muthas don’t be makin’ no fuckin’ sense. That or youz crazy asses just love soundin’ like a buncha hypocrites.

11 It be that ya’ll be the masters of the stupid phrasin’, Do as I say and not as I be doin’. Shee-it. That be some of the dumbest pee-donkin’ shit that a brotha be hearin’.

12 Don’t ya’ll see that you be talkin’ in circles?

13 See, the way it be in the real world, that thing that ya’ll be tryin’ so desperately hard to be avoidin’, in the real world salvations be the recognition of love. Do you know why this be?

14 Salvations be the recognition of love, ‘cause ya’ll can’t be havin’ happiness and joy without love, ‘aight? And once a person be recognizin’ love and be lettin’ it to run they life the way it should be run then all kinds of great stuff be happnin’.

15 When people be recognizin’ love there ain’t be no fightin’ and no drawin’ lines in the sand of whose God be better than who else’s God. Shee-it. That happy crap be an old-ass argument, so ya’lls gots to be droppin’ that shit.

16 When people be recognizin’ love they be saved from that terrible desire to conquer and subjugate.

17 When people be recognizin’ love then they automatically be focusin’ on livin’ to love and lovin’ to live.

18 When people be recognizin’ love they stop doin’ things that be hurtin’ each other and they stop wastin’ they time doin’ mean things and instead be focusin’ on simply enjoyin’ everything that be life.

19 And redemption be very similar to salvations, ‘aight? See, in order to have redemption youz gots to be havin’ salvations.

20 What salvations be doin’ is openin’ youz eyes to the fact that there be things in ya’lls life that need attentions and changin’. Look at ya’lls life and see where there be uneven ground that be needin’ smoothin’.

21 Then you apply the love of salvations to those things in ya’lls life that need changin’ and fixin’ and from there ya’ll be gettin’ redemptions, foh-shizzle this be the truth.

22 Ya’ll crazy muthas of the Gospel of Disaster be talkin’ like you be havin’ redemptions and salvations, but in reality ya’ll be havin’ neither of either, and do youz be knowin’ why?

23 Ya’ll don’t have either ‘cause ya’lls ain’t be feelin’ the love and sharing’ it like ya’ll should be doin’. Ya’ll sit there comfortable in your disastrous faith that be puttin’ this religion and that religion over or under another religion.

24 Ya’ll are so worked up and wrapped up in tryin’ to sell ya’ll snake oil religion that youz don’t be seein’ you ain’t anywheres near salvations and redemptions like you done think you be. Shee-it.

Chapter 3

1 Now we gonna be talkin’ to youz about this thang ya’ll be callin’ the Judgment.

2 Ya’ll be a bunch of crazy crackers, you dig? I mean, have ya’ll ever really listened to the shit you be sayin’ when it comes to your opinions of what the end of the world will be like?

3 Actually, don’t answer that ‘cause it be obvious you ain’t done listened to ya’lls selfs, shee-it no. What be makin’ it even more entertainin’ be the expressions of the sheer ecstasy of disaster ya’ll be paintin’ youz faces with,

4 Eyes bulging, face flushin’ and foamy spit at the corners of ya’lls mouths every time ya’ll even mention the words lake and fire in the same goddamn sentence.

5 Ya’ll especially seem to love appointin’ various politicians the title of Antichrist. Then when your political predictions prove themselves to be unreliable, as they always done be, ya’ll be quick to put the title on the next politician ya’ll be hatin’.

6 Let us be reviewin’ some of the various political figures who ya’ll be honorin’ with the Antichrist title:

7 Well, there was the Nazi one-nut-wonder in Adolf Hitler, an don’t forget Hitler’s goose-stepping Fascist pal Mussolini. There be your friend and mine Yassir Arafat, President Bill Clinton, President George W. Bush, the Sultan of Sarin Saddam Hussein,

8 Afghanistan cave dwelling coward Osama bin Laden, Libyan nut case Mohamar Gaddafi, Vladimir Putin, and even a couple of popes for good measure.

9 And with each Antichrist nomination ya’ll be bendin’ and stretchin’ your disastrous gospel and its meanin’ in an attempt to make the fairytales ya’ll be squeezin’ out of youz scriptures match up with whatever hapless politician you have picked.

10 Right up there next to awardin’ the title of Antichrist ya’ll love takin’ negative events from all over the world and interpretin’ them as signs of the End Times, especially if it is somethin’ to do with any kind of natural disaster.

11 When there are bloody wars ya’ll comment that the world is gettin’ worse an’ worse and therefore a sure marker that Jesus is right around the corner. What a load of crap. Shee-it.

12 Whenever there be big changes that involve money, like when Europe went to the Euro, loads of followers of the Gospel of Disaster chomp at the bit of fear sayin’,

13 It is the End Times! This is in our scriptures! One currency is a precursor to one world religion which is a precursor to the Great Tribulation which is a precursor to Armageddon which is a precursor to the Second Coming! Aaahh! What a world, what a world!

14 And Lord forbid if the whacked out folks of the Gospel of Disaster should happen upon news in regards to microchip technology being used for identification purposes.

15 And of course the natural disasters of this planet are also indicators to the followers of the Gospel of Disaster of the approachin’ End Times.

16 If a volcano erupts, well it must be Jesus sayin’ he is on his way.

17 If a mega quake be hittin’ places and be causin’ devastation and death, it is Jesus remindin’ people he’s almost done with his errands and will be back soon.

18 If a major flood done hits and washes away towns and people, it is Jesus tryin’ to remind everyone that God flooded the entire earth before and can do it again, so be ready.

19 If tornadoes done pop up where they usually don’t or occur in a significantly greater number than usual, yup. That would be Jesus too.

20 Whenever this planet be experiencin’ unusually bad weather and high numbers of natural disasters those who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster immediately attribute such things as a sign of Jesus done returning to claim his bride.

21 Really? Well, in that case I hope he don’t be expectin’ a weddin’ gift considerin’ the havoc he be causin.

22 Then there are some of the details of the Great Tribulation and the battle of Armageddon that are simply eye-waterin’ hilarity, ‘aight? There is the claim that the blood from the battle will be reachin’ the bridles of the horses.

23 That is about as credible of a story as the rumors about the streets of America done being paved with gold. Shee-it.

24 There is a part in the Great Tribulation where scorpions with faces will be stingin’ the hell out of people for five months, or so.

25 Whatever dire events are supposed to be happenin’ in the End Times the preachers of the Gospel of Disaster rely on tellin’ this crackpot information to people in an effort to scare people into converting, sayin’,

26 If ya’lls name don’t be in the Book of Life then Jesus will say he don’t be knowin’ youz and will throw yo’ ass in hell. If you don’t want to be sufferin’ scorpions stingin’ youz or bein’ caught in horrible natural disasters you must believe as we do.

27 So, basically the prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster be sayin’ that if people don’t want to be scared out of their minds and don’t want to suffer horribly and don’t want to be condemned to hell then theys gots to be believin’ the way the church says.

28 Now ain’t that jes the sweetest thang? Tenets of faith based on wantin’ to save one’s own ass. Who be thinkin’ dat shit up?

29 But perhaps the best part about all this ludicrous mess is this: If these ninny preachers of disaster have text, accurate text, that predicts the end of the world and humanity and a whole bunch of terrible crapola,

30 Why don’t they be usin’ this special information to do a little preventive maintenance?

Chapter 4

1 The part where the purveyors of the Gospel of Disaster be havin’ the hardest time tryin’ to prove any of the crackle berry pie they be tryin’ to pass off as a lovin’ faith would be their wasted efforts of attempted reconciliation of freewill and predestination.

2 Amazingly enough, although this part of they dogma be havin’ the most holes in it, they be tryin’ like hell to maintain they death grip.

3 Now, these priests of disaster be tellin’ people that God be creatin’ them with freewill, and foh-shizzle he done did.

4 These men of disastrous cloth ardently claim that each person is free to choose whether or not they be wantin’ to be believing’ in God and Jesus’ salvation, an’ they be repeatin’ this mumbo jumbo till they be purple in the face.

5 Then what do they be doin’? They be claimin’ that God already knew who he would and would not be savin’ and takin’ with him to heaven at the end of all time.

6 This has gots to be some of the screwiest shit people preachin’ disaster be sayin’, ’aight? Because how the fuck-a-purple-kangaroo can somebody be said to have freewill when the outcome is known before they even be makin’ the choices? Explain that donkey shit to me, ‘aight?

7 Ya’ll be gettin’ what I be sayin? Let me be puttin’ it to youz this way, ‘aight?

8 If X, Y, and Z be havin’ freewill then they must be free to choose and make decisions without there being any set and known outcomes and circumstances, you dig?

9 This must not be confused with knowin’ what would probably happen or what would definitely happen if certain choices or decisions were made. Knowin’ the choices available and the possible outcomes does not interfere with freewill. Foh-shizzle.

10 But when youz gots a fucked up ideology like predestination that automatically be assignin’ outcomes regardless of what decisions a person be makin’ then freewill is automatically removed from the equation.

11 Which be bringin’ me to another point, ‘aight? It be nowhere near, nowhere even close to bein’ ethical to tell someone they have only two choices, live or die, and then tell them with a clear conscience that they have freewill.

12 Forcin’ people to choose under duress is not ethical, and it don’t be meanin’ a damn whether or not it be a God doin’ so. Danglin’ someone’s life in front of their face and sayin’ if you want to live you must choose this option, is not ethical and sho’ as fuck not indicative of freewill.

13 There cain’t be no damn predestination, you dig? What there can be is limited destiny, meaning that so long as an individual done continues with specific behaviors or actions then specific repercussions are done bound to occur.

14 Where freewill comes into play is the fact that the individual does indeed be havin’ control, because by a simple change in actions or behaviors they can done change the outcome and ultimately create a new destiny that can only be fulfilled if they done continue their new choice.

15 The very idea of set, solid, and true predestination is not only irreconcilable with freewill, but it is absolutely, totally, and completely corrupted and cruel,

16 For this type of thinkin’ be holdin’ zero hope of the struggling, impoverished people of the world to be makin’ their lives better since basically they done be screwed from the very beginning.

17 Ya’ll be chewin’ on that for a spell, ‘aight?

18 Tootles.

The Book of II ‘Lonians

Chapter 1

1 Well, how do it be for ya’ll, my brothas? I hope everything be well wit choo all and that the love that be fillin’ this universe be blessin’ youz.

2 This here be Pablo an’ Cisco again, and this time what we goin’ to be doin’ is discussin’ specific behaviors of religious groups and specific instruction from the same that be clear indicators of that faith bein’ a cult.

3 Ya’ll be payin’ attentions to what we be discussin’ so ya’ll don’t be endin’ up like the millions of mindless sheep out there already, you dig?

4 First we will be discussin’ what we likes to be referrin’ to as the Special Knowledge Factor. The Special Knowledge Factor is a trait done experienced by any religious group that be claimin’ to have special knowledge of  Christ’s Second Comin’ to this planet.

5 This be includin’ specific predictions of dates when the supposed Second Coming will happen. It would be behoovin’ ya’ll to be lookin’ up these crazy claims on the Internet just to be givin’ youz a little perspective of how often this be happnin’.

6 For the groups that do be makin’ such predictions they don’t just be doin’ so randomly. There be a purpose to such actions and it be to maintain as much control of peoples that be followin’ them by usin’ fear.

7 If a faith or religious practice be worthy of ya’lls time you will be findin’ that it don’t be preachin’ no negative messages whatsoever, you dig? True faith never be preachin’ fear.

8 Part of what be the problem with crazy religious groups done settin’ specific dates of the Second Coming is that it do be encouragin’ seriously off-beat and erratic behavior.

9 Not to mention, when the predictions don’t be comin’ true people be lookin’ like the silly assholes they are. On occasion the predictions can be endin’ in deadly fashion with group members killin’ theyselfs in anticipation of the Rapture.

10 A long ass time ago in a California city, a non-denominational Christian group be spoutin’ off at the mouth not only about predictin’ the Second Coming, but goin’ so far as to say they would be convincin’ Jesus to be comin’ back sooner.

11 How that be for bein’ cocky? Now, how this group said they would be doin’ this was by proselytizin’ in as many cities around the world as possible. They went so far as pickin’ members of they congregation an’ then tellin’ them which city to move to in order to be settin’ up another branch of that group.

12 This group done also went so further by creatin’ Christian youth boot camps where these teenage kids would be completely brainwashed and indoctrinated, and then told to go out into The World and preach the Gospel of Disaster.

13 These teenage kids were told what to be studyin’ in college and once they be havin’ they degrees they was expected to be donatin’ three full years followin’ they college graduation to be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster fulltime.

14 Now, this church group be makin’ these kids feel so special and privileged that most of them, at least in the beginnin’, tried to do exactly as they were told.

15 The church group even coined a catchy name for the groups of misled teens who would be doin’ this brick-a-brack : Fiery Future Full-Timers. Their assigned goal was to be convincin’ Jesus Christ to be returnin’ by 1993c.e.

16 When this date be comin’ and then passin’ without any deity by the name of Jesus returnin’ triumphantly in mega clouds in the sky, a new return date of 1996c.e. was issued.

17 Of course, the new date didn’t be pannin’ out either. Shee-it.

18 Now, here be the paradox of those Christian groups that be claimin’ dates of Christ’s return, ’aight?

19 In they own scriptures of the Gospel of Disaster that they be preachin’ it do clearly say that no man be knowin’ the time or the day of Jesus’ return. If that be the case, why the hell these muthas done keep tryin’ to predict the Second Comin’?

20 Don’t they be seein’ how goddamn stupid this be makin’ them look? Not to mention it be makin’ them hypocrites since on the one hand they be sayin’ nobody be knowin’ when Jesus be back, then on the other hand they make a date for his return.

21 Not exactly balanced an’ even thinkin’, is it?

22 The fear that these predicted dates can be instillin’ in some people can be very damagin’ psychologically, so damaging in fact that some people won’t even be havin’ children and raisin’ a family since they believe there ain’t enough time to be doin’ that.

Chapter 2

1 Next we will be discussin’ the tendency of many church groups to claim that they be havin’ the only proper information on how to be worshippin’ Jesus and what a believer must be doin’ and not doin’ in order to avoid eternity in hell.

2 It be in this area that people be caught up in the ridiculously stupid argument of My-God-is-Better-Than-Your-God.

3 Any group that be doin’ anything similar to this ain’t be worth the time in your day, you dig?

4 Let us take the cult group we be talkin’ about in the previous chapter, ‘aight?

5 What this group be doin’ is interpretin’ they scriptures in the manner that best suits the sit-gee-ation that they be in, ‘aight? They be masters of semantics, foh-shizzle.

6 In they interpreted scriptures they be havin’ somethin’ that be called Calling on the Name of the Lord. What this be meanin’ is members of the church literally be callin’ out loud, Lord Jesus! Over and over and over and over and over and over. Truth be told, there ain’t be no problem with them doin’ this. It be their belief. No problem, ‘aight?

7 Sometimes they be shoutin’ it. Sometimes they be whisperin’ it. When they be gettin’ a whole bunch of they members together and they be doin’ this it creates within’ they group a highly charged atmosphere, somethin’ very similar to mass hypnosis.

8 The problem be startin’ when this group be pickin’ on other groups for not prayin’ this way. It be the truth that many groups do not practice this Calling on the Name of the Lord, and for the ones that don’t they be bein’ considered to be false faiths since they supposedly don’t be following’ the words of God to call on the Lord.

9 Of course, it never be crossin’ the minds of the cult group that just because it be their interpretation of the verse to actually and literally call out the name of the Lord, that don’t be makin’ them right.

10 But that don’t be matterin’ to them ‘cause they be consumed by they insistent desire to be the group with the only truth.

11 Movin’ on about this group, they have taken all the verses in they bible that be sayin’ that idolatry be abominable and be applyin’ it these verses to every symbol of the Christian faith.

12 Statues of holy figures or biblical characters or even crosses are simply not allowed in this church as such things are considered to be pagan and heathen. Even wearin’ necklaces with crosses ain’t be bein’ allowed.

13 To this particular cult group, anyone who be possessin’ statues and crosses an’ shit be guilty of worshippin’ idols instead of Jesus and God.

14 Here you can once again be seein’ they ridiculous desire to be right while everyone else done be wrong. Delusional, isn’t it?

15 This silly cult group be so damn desperate in its search for finding shit wrong with the ways other groups be worshippin’. Allow me to be listin’ some of the things they say be wrong with the way other faiths worship God an’ Jesus:

16 Baptism of babies ain’t workin’ ‘cause they be too little to be understandin’ what be goin’ on. Baptism only be countin’ when that person be older and fully submerged under water, you dig?

17 The Lord’s Supper on Sundays, also known by some as Communion, cannot be taken by folks who ain’t been baptized or who ain’t be receivin’ Jesus in they hearts just like this group be sayin’ they ought to.

18 If people don’t be tryin’ to proselytize to everyone within’ reachin’ distance by tryin’ to cram they version of salvation down the throats of others then they ain’t really Christians who be worshippin’ Jesus right.

19 If people be speakin’ about anything other than what be in they bible then they ain’t be worshippin’ Jesus correctly and they ain’t gonna be looked upon with favor by Jesus.

20 Accordin’ to this cult group it don’t be matterin’ whether or not you be somebody good like Mother Teresa, ‘cause if you don’t be worshippin’ like they do then yo’ ass still be grass.

Chapter 3

1 Lastly, we goin’ be discussin’ the separations and differences that some cult groups be purposely cultivatin’ between they own groups and other groups, ‘aight?

2 Now some of these differences that cult groups try so hard to employ be so freakin’ childish that you be left thinkin’, Can this really be true?

3 Again, we goin’ to be using that same cult group out of California that we been talkin’ about, ‘aight?

4 So, this cult group decided that simply believin’ in God and Jesus simply wasn’t enough in order to be showin’ they faith, ‘aight? Accordin’ to them groups who didn’t be worshippin’ the same were full of lost people who ain’t be saved.

5 And never mind what this group be sayin’ about the just livin’ by faith, ‘cause they might be sayin’ that but they be havin’ a whole set of different works they needed to be doin’ or not doin’ in order to be qualifyin’ for salvation.

6 This particular cult group be extremely wary of influences from the outside world. One former member related these things to us:

7 They ain’t be letting’ us to be lisnin’ to the radio or to be watchin’ any movies or reg’lar television. They told us that was because the Devil be usin’ these things to be tryin’ to trick people into doin’ bad things.

8 We ain’t be allowed to be goin’ to the store and be buyin’ music tapes and such ‘cause of the same thang.

9 We ain’t be allowed to be readin’ things other than them damn essay booklets they be writin’ about what they think the bible be meanin’. Lord forbid you be caught readin’ somethin’ like a Stephen King book or even a book on the occult.

10 I’s remembers bein’ a kid in high school an’ writin’ a report on ESP. I had to hide the books I checked out of the library under my bed mattress so my parents don’t be finding’ them. They would done beat me if they be finding’ them.

11 I would sneak lisnin’ to the radio so I’s could be hearin’ musics of all kinds. I liked the Supremes and the Motown style. I thought they sounded beautiful an’ I ain’t be hearin’ anything ‘bout no Devil in them.

12 My ma caught me lisnin’ to the music and broke my radio. I never told her that I managed to fix it and would still be lisnin’ to music when she be gone from the house.

13 If we went to somebody’s house an’ they had a television we, me ‘n my sisters, ain’t be allowed to watch it. We was told to turn our heads the whole time while everybody else, includin’ my mom, be watchin’ whatever be on.

14 We wasn’t allowed to be celebratin’ holidays or birthdays ‘cause the church be sayin’ that those things be pagan holidays. I missed lots of birthday parties as a kid. We ain’t even be allowed to be takin’ presents somebody give us.

15 For a long time we ain’t be allowed to be wearin’ pants ‘cause they said that not be what God be wantin’ of women. Ain’t that some crazy shit?

16 One time my parents found out that I be puttin’ on shorts or pants when I went to a friends house to play. I came back from school and found my room ransacked. My parents had done took every pair of pants and shorts I had. ‘Cept the pair I had under my dress.

17 We ain’t be allowed to wear make-up or nail polish. They said we cain’t be wearin’ no earrings or any jewelry, no expensive an fancy clothes, cain’t be getting’ perms in our hair, and sure as hell no tattoos.

18 We be told if we ever be tryin’ anything like ESP or anything psychic we be doin’ somethin’ of the Devil and be goin’ to hell unless we stopped.

19 We were told that we couldn’t be havin’ friends that don’t be believin’ the way we be believin’, ‘cause if we did that would be one of the ways the Devil be tryin’ to get to us.

20 Homosexuals and lesbians were all damned to hell accordin’ to them. They said they be abominations to God. I ain’t never be believin’ that crap. Love be good for everyone no matter who you be lovin’.

21 When I be a teenager I stopped goin’ to that crazy church. They be tryin’ to tell me what I should be studyin’ in college. I wanted advertisin’ art an’ they be sayin’ that ain’t profitable to God and I needed to change it. I decided they be crazy fuckers an left.

22 They be tryin’ to run everythin’ in your life that they could be gettin’ their hands on. My parents ended up leavin’ too, ‘cause they said that church wasn’t no longer about believin’ in God, that the church had long ago forgot about that part.

23 I be havin’ friends who ain’t be speakin’ to me for years ‘cause I left that church and no longer be believin’ the same way that I did before.

24 I guessed that be meanin’ that I wasn’t worthy of bein’ they friend unless I be believin’ and doin’ as they be believin’ and doin’.

25 I be thinking’ about that an’ it be makin’ me cry ‘cause the love of God ain’t supposed to be about separatin’ and shuttin’ people out.

Chapter 4

1 So, now ya’ll pretty much be understandin’ things youz ought to be lookin’ out for if you be wantin’ to be spottin’ a cult religious group easier, you dig?

2 An’ for the people who be caught up in these things it ain’t no happy an’ pretty thing to be dealin’ with religious groups like this ‘cause they be twistin’ every damn thing possible in order to be makin’ theyselfs to be lookin’ as good as possible.

3 Now, it be fine an’ dandy if ya’ll be wantin’ to be joinin’ a church in order to be worshippin’ with other people, if that be the kind of thing that you be likin’.

4 The important thing to be rememberin’ is that you be there to worship God and not to be tryin’ to earn kudo points as to who does what better than somebody else, you dig?

5 As soon as any religious group you be in start tellin’ you how to be runnin’ your life what you ought to be doin’ is runnin’ from them. You be joinin’ they church for worship and not for them to try to run ya’lls life.

6 An’ don’t ya’ll ever be worryin’ about losin’ salvations if you be decidin’ to leave a church or if you be decidin’ to not even go back to church at all, ‘aight?

7 Contrary to what some religious groups be tellin’ youz God, the love of God and everything that be makin’ up what God be is for everybody whether or not you be goin’ to some fangdangled church, you dig?

8 An’ no matter how some religious groups be tryin’ to turn salvations into some twisted divine game of keep away it simply ain’t so.

9 If ya’ll be happnin’ upon a group that be tryin’ to tell you what to read, what to wear, what to think, and anything else like that your best bet be to leave those muthas right where they stand. And where would that be?

10 All on their lonesome where they can be preachin’ their bullshit to theyselfs if they care to be lisnin’.

The Book of I Tim-Tim

Chapter 1

1 Yo! This be written to all those muthas out there who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster and spreadin’ they viral version of faith and they lethal brand of salvation.

2 Sho’, ya’lls be crazier than they lemmings that be throwin’ theyselfs off cliffs, an’ shit, but I still be callin’ on this universe and all that be God to be blessin’ ya’ll and sendin’ good things ya’lls way.

3 Now I knows for sure I be tellin’ ya’lls before to be watchin’ and changin’ the ludicrous mamby-pamby crackerjack that ya’lls be constantly stirrin’ things up with.

4 I knows for sure that I be tellin’ ya’lls before that if youz want to be believin’ in craziness dat be fine, so long as ya’lls don’t be buggin’ on what other people be choosin’ to believe.

5 Now it be seemin’ that every which way I be turnin’ I be hearin’ that ya’ll be continuin’ to be doin’ and sayin’ shit that just don’t be jivin’ with the instructions I be givin’ youz.

6 I wants to be knowin’ which part of what I be tellin’ you be so damn hard for ya’ll to be understandin’?

7 Do it be the part where I be sayin’ ya’ll best be teachin’ love?

8 Do it be the part where I be tellin’ ya’ll to keep youz hearts pure an’ opened?

9 Do it be the part where I be instructin’ youz to not be prideful in ya’lls faith and thinkin’ that ya’ll be havin’ the one an’ only answer to what truth be?

10 I be instructin’ ya’ll that the law be bein’ love. I also be tellin’ y’all that the law be bein’ good. The fact that it be the law of love be makin’ it indicative that it be good for everybody.

11 Now ya’ll be tellin’ me why the fuck-a-ducka youz be treatin’ peoples and they alternate beliefs or they lack of beliefs as if they ain’t be as deservin’ of salvations as ya’lls be?

12 See, when somebody be havin’ faith they supposed to be findin’ and spreadin’ the love an’ joy they be findin’ in that faith,

13 But they ain’t supposed to be takin’ they version of faith an’ cramming’ it down everybody’s throats.

14 The law of love be good and it do be for everybody, but there be many, many ways that people can be findin’ the law of love by findin’ and followin’ the many paths to all that be God.

15 But here y’all are takin’ your knowledge an’ tryin’ to twist it an’ form it into some kind of spiritual weapon where y’all be takin’ no prisoners save for them hapless souls you trick into swallowin’ the bitter pill of your version of God.

16 And you muthas be sayin’ that love be patient and love be kind,

17 And you muthas be sayin’ that God be love,

18 And you muthas be sayin’ that God so loved the world,

19 And the world be including’ everybody that be everywhere.

20 But then y’all start drawin’ lines in the proverbial sands and sayin’ stupid shit like this group or that group not be worthy of God’s love an’ salvation,

21 That those muthas and brothas who be believin’ in a different faith or no faith, that homos and lesbos, that anybody else ya’ll be disapprovin’ of ain’t be worthy of God’s love an’ salvation, much less ya’lls Gospel of Disaster.

22 Now I wants to be knowin’ how the fuck-a-purple-twinky ya’lls be goin’ from sayin’ ya’ll have a lovin’ God who be savin‘ everybody, to sayin’ that there be restrictions on who your God be lovin’ and savin‘?

23 And ya’ll be wonderin’ why some people be havin’ problems with ya’ll, shee-it. Not to be mentionin’, ya’ll also be givin’ God a bad name, and that shit ain’t be right.

24 Ya’ll be destructive of the law of love, and ‘cause of this ya’ll don’t be understandin’ of what mercy be.

25 Jesus be comin’ to this world to be remindin’ people of the beautiful abstracts of love and the redeemin’ salvations that be resultin’ from applyin’ the law of love to ya’lls lives.

26 Jesus ain’t be comin’ to this world to be separatin’ people by what faith they be choosin’ to put they hearts in, he didn’t be comin’ to be tossin’ people aside just ‘cause they be lovin’ and livin’ different.

27 Ya’ll be sayin’ you be knowin’ mercy, but you sure are donkey-doo don’t be showin’ it just like you don’t be showin’ so many people love and compassion unless it be suitin’ you.

28 Ya’ll be sayin’ you be havin’ faith yet you be consistently placin’ limitations on what your faith be and who it be applyin’ to,  and it be this type of behavior that be makin’ yourselfs and your faith disorderly.

Chapter 2

1 Now I’m gonna be telling’ ya’ll prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster, again, what the truth of everythin’ be, ‘aight? An’ if’n I don’t be doin’ that I ain’t bein’ faithful to all that I be knowin’ in my heart what God be.

2 I be sayin’ all this to youz on behalf of all they kings and peoples in high places that you be harassin’ for one reason or other,

3 And I be sayin’ these things to youz on behalf of all they little people and inb’tween people an’ everybody else ya’ll be jackin’ around.

4 I also be sayin’ this to ya’ll ‘cause how you been doin’ people simply ain’t been acceptable in the truly merciful eyes that be part of all that God be, you dig?

5 Ya’ll be sayin’ that you be desirin’ all men to be comin’ to the truth an’ the knowledge of what God an’ the truth be bein’.

6 Then on top o’ all dat you be sayin’ that they be one mediator, one God, an’ one sacrifice that be payin’ a ransom to be savin’ everybody, and ya’ll just happen to be believin’ in that God.

7 Now, ain’t it be just a mighty fine miracle that the particular faith you be believin’ in just happnin’ to be the correct one…accordin’ to ya’ll? Ain’t it an even bigger miracle that everybody else be believin’ in the wrong thing?

8 Shee-it, if everybody be followin’ your line of thinkin’, hell, it be that never before in the annals of history have so very many folks been so wrong, and so few folks been right.

9 You be sayin’ that you be speakin’ the truth, the whole truth , and nothing’ but the truth…but you be lyin’.

10 You be telling’ your followers to be prayin’ everywhere they be, liftin’ they hands up without wrath, an’ while that be soundin’ alright it ain’t. Why?

11 ‘Cause y’all also be sayin’ to do it without reasonin’. Now why the fucky-ducky-doo would a brotha want to do somethin’ anythin’ without reasoning? Only a fool be doin’ anything, be it in body or in mind, without he be usin’ his damn mind.

12 And when it be comin’ to how ya’ll be treatin’ youz women ya’ll be screwy with your requirements, for you be tellin’ women they cain’t be dressin’ and doin’ they hair and wearin’ jewelry and nice hair-dos the way they be wantin’ to.

13 Then you be tellin’ them that they cain’t be speakin’ when they be wantin’ to and teachin’ what they be wantin’ to, but that they be bein’ submissive, in a state of subjection if they be around men.

14 Youz crazy ass reasonin’ for this be that Adam be bein’ formed first and ‘cause the serpent be trickin’ an’ deceivin’ Eve and not Adam. Ya’ll be knowin’ right now that ain’t no normal bein’ be buyin’ that shit, ‘aight?

15 It don’t be matterin’ what the hell be goin’ down in a sit-gee-ation ‘tween a man and a woman it still be takin’ two to tango. Either they both be guilty, or they both be innocent. Period.

16 Then y’all get goin’ again on ya’lls crazy views of sufferin’ and be sayin’ crazy gumbo that women be bein’ saved by the sufferin’ of child bearin’. That, of course, don’t be somethin’ sane people be sayin’ unless they be smoking’ the loco weed.

Chapter 3

1 To those of ya’ll of the Gospel of Disaster, and to those of ya’ll who be sayin’ they be preachin’ a faithful word ain’t be payin’ no mind to the fact that since ya’ll be preachin’ that the law of love an’ the love of God has limitations ya’ll ain’t be teachin’ the truth.

2 Therefore, my misled brothas, ya’ll ain’t teachin’ anythin’ more than deluded opinion that be watered down with sentiments of superiority. An’ ya’lls faithfully stingy asses can be quotin’ me on that shit.

3 Ya’ll also be tryin’ to be sayin’ that things that be bein’ common damn sense be from ya’lls version of faith, but ya’ll be wiggin’,

4 For ya’lls edicts of no excessive drinkin’, no beatin’ on people, doin’ ya’lls best to be takin’ care of ya’lls family an’ raisin’ good kids all be things that reg’lar, normal people be doin’ regardless of whether they be swallowin’ your crazy gospel.

5 Ya’ll be spoutin’ off ‘bout not fallin’ to the Devil in pride for it be bein’ a sin, but you guys be the muthas who be sinnin’ the most ‘cause ya’lls silly asses be settin’ heavy pride in ya’lls version of faith.

6 And it be that ya’ll be holdin’ to the absurd ideology that there be mystery in faith. How can it be that ya’ll don’t be seein’ that the fact that somethin’ be faith automatically be removin’ any label of mystery?

7 For don’t ya’ll be knowin’ and understandin’ that the sheer force an’ power of faith be removin’ of the shades of mystery, forcin’ what once had been an idea into actuality?

8 And with one end of ya’lls double tongue ya’ll be baggin’ on those who be aimin’ for many achievements,

9 Then with the other side of ya’lls tongue you be aimin’ to minister well to ya’lls Flock of Disaster in order that you be gainin’ good standin’ in the eyes of ya’lls fellow prisoners who be thinkin’ ya’ll be havin’ boldness an’ faith in Christ.

10 And so I be writtin’ this letter to youz, hopin’ that you be able to come to what be left of your senses and pull ya’lls head outta yo’ asses,

11 ‘Cause however good you be thinkin’ you be bein’…you ain’t.

12 An’ however more strong you be thinking’ ya’lls faith be over anybody else’s…it ain’t.

13 An’ however more closer you be thinkin’ you be to God than anybody else…you ain’t.

14 An’ no matter how much you be toutin’ that there be a mega judgment day comin’ when all ya’ll be saved from ultimate disaster an’ everybody else be thrown in the fryin’ pan…it ain’t.

15 You be sayin’ that the house of ya’lls God be a house of a livin’ God, but this cain’t be true ‘cause ya’lls God be burnin’ and condemnin’ people to death left and right.

16 And, the only thing about ya’lls twisted faith that be a great mystery is the unfortunate fact that no matter how a brotha be tryin’ to explain what be the truth to you,

17 No matter how many times people be showin’ you that you ain’t got the only truth in the universe,

18 And no matter how much proof people be layin’ at your feet showin’ you that your faith and ya’lls God be unjust and cruel the truth just cain’t seem to be manifestin’ in ya’lls hearts.

19 For ya’ll have made it your callin’ to be vindicatin’ every facet of ya’lls hateful, prejudiced, and egotistical faith that be rife with double standards.

Chapter 4

1 Now ya’ll be sayin’ that it be given to ya’ll as a warnin’ that in later times there will be people departin’ from ya’lls version of faith and either be givin’ in to other versions of faith, or droppin’ faith in any God altogether.

2 But this crackerjack crap be part of ya’lls big scheme to be scarin’ people half tuh death to be makin’ them stay in the fear-filled ranks of ya’lls rickety faith.

3 How do it be that so many muthas who be following’ the Gospel of Disaster be unable to be seein’ the hypocrisy of they own faith?

4 Ya’ll be sayin’ you be knowin’ the love of God, but you be denyin’ marriage to men who be lovin’ men and women who be lovin’ women and be wantin’ to marry each other.

5 And I be tellin’ youz right now that ya’lls denial of marriage to people based on the prejudice that ya’lls just don’t be approving’ of they love is an abomination,

6 For who do it be you think you are that you be havin’ the authority to be tellin’ folks who they can and cain’t be lovin? Who fuckin’ died and made ya’ll purveyors of love an’ deciders of a heart’s attractions?

7 For God be love, and love be good and should be given and received with all the thanksgivin’ that a person be feelin’ in they heart no matter what they gender and preference, you dig?

8 And since God be sanctified and he be love, then love be sanctified as well an’ it don’t be matterin’ which gender and preference it be. So, shut ‘cha goddamn traps on what ya’ll don’t even be knowin’ and show some respect for the love a heart be feelin.

9 I be puttin’ these things here for you so’s ya’ll can be fixin’ the errors you be trippin’ on and start gettin’ the proper spiritual nutrition ya’ll definitely be needin’ so damn badly.

10 Ya’ll be sayin’ that your faith be fully worthy, but I be right here remindin’ youz that is ain’t worthy for it be denyin’ an’ pickin’ an’ choosin’ who it wantin’ to be applyin’ to and who it don’t wantin’ to be applyin’ to.

11 And the things that ya’ll be laborin’ an’ strivin’ for sure as hellfire ain’t hope and peace an’ love and happy dee-diddle like that, hell no.

12 Ya’ll be strivin’ for as much separation and aggravation and superiority that ya’ll can be findin’.

13 And ya’ll be despisin’ the truth and love and open hearts and open minds of the many faiths in this universe, completely an’ totally missin’ the forest full of trees.

14 Ya’ll be neglectin’ the gifts of many loves, many truths, and many paths that be placed in the hearts of every bein’ in this universe in this eternity,

15 And so long as ya’lls be behavin’ like this you be dishonorin’ the divine truth in ya’lls selfs.

16 And ya’lls need to be understandin’ that no matter how much ya’ll be jawin’ on about your disastrous faith that don’t be meanin’ you be savin’ anybody, not even ya’lls selfs,

17 For a man who be drownin’ cain’t be doin’ anybody any good unless he be gettin’ his ass saved first.

Chapter 5

1 It be bein’ said by some of the Gospel of Disaster that they honor they family, honor they parents, honor they fellow man,

2 But how can this be when I be seein’ some of ya’ll shuttin’ out old friends and neighbors, parents and people who be close relatives, an’ even payin’ no mind to flesh an’ blood brothas and sistas?

3 I be seein’ that some of ya’ll be throwin’ them away just ‘cause they don’t be believin’ the same way ya’ll be believin’, an’ for the ones ya’ll don’t be throwin’ away ya’ll still be treatin’ them like garbage.

4 And some of ya’ll be committin’ great sin by turnin’ away or completely ignorin’ ya’lls family members, ya’lls friends, and ya’lls fellow men that be needin’ help and sustenance in the ways that people be needin’ sustenance.

5 And those of ya’ll who be turnin’ from they own parents when they be in they elder stages just ‘cause ya’ll don’t be likin’ what they be believin’ be an awful shame.

6 Ya’ll say you be members of a livin’ faith, but ya’lls behavior be havin’ nothin’ to do with life, but only with sentiments of what be a dead an’ dyin’ heart.

7 An’ ‘cause of your pledge to the craziness of your faith you be settin’ aside what be love an’ hope.

8 And ya’ll be chargin’ your youth not to be meddlin’ in the affairs of others, but it be turnin’ out that ya’ll be busybodies, pokin’ ‘round in shit that ain’t be any of ya’lls business.

9 Ya’lls separatin’ and divisive views be a hindrance to ya’lls faith.

10 Not to mention ya’ll be teachin’ youz young to be idle in they desire to be havin’ faith and lovin’ God, but you be teachin’ them to be very active in shit they ought not be havin’ anythin’ to do with anythin’.

11 It be written’ that ya’ll be sayin’ you solemnly be chargin’ those of ya’lls version of faith to be doin’ things without prejudice an’ without what be known as partiality.

12 But this simply ain’t be the way that many of ya’ll be behaving. You be sayin’ one thing and doin’ somethin’ completely different altogether,

13 An’ it be by your actions that you be hurtin’ ya’lls faith an’ the peoples that be followin’ ya’lls version of faith.

14 And how can it be that ya’ll just don’t see that without all the crazy ways you be treatin’ people everything be that much better?

15 It be seemin’ to me that ya’ll don’t be wantin’ to be makin’ things in this world better. Ya’ll already be writin’ off this world an’ everybody in it that ya’ll don’t be likin’.

16 For ya’ll have taken the purity of faith an’ twisted it into a medal, a prize that can be given for finishin’ first, which by the way ya’ll think you be doin’.

17 And it be that ya’ll have damaged what be a gift to the universe by takin’ the golden goose of many beautiful faiths an’ be teachin’ it to be layin’ not golden eggs, but rotten eggs.

18 Ya’ll be dishonorin’ all that be true faith, chargin’ everybody to not be layin’ hands quickly upon another, but when ya’ll don’t be likin’ somebody ya’ll be the first ones to be grabbin’ a rope and makin’ a noose.

Chapter 6

1 Now ya’ll prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster be teachin’ that whoever be doin’ shit like not consentin’ to healthy words, par’ticly the words ya’ll be sayin’ be from Jesus Christ, ya’ll be sayin’ that these people be blinded with pride,

2 Ya’ll be sayin’ that folks like these not be understandin’ a damn thing, but rather ya’ll be sayin’ they be sick with they questions and contentions of words.

3 You be sayin’ they questions and contentions be made out of envy and strife and suspicions that be evil.

4 You be sayin’ that what they be sayin’ be comprisin’ of people that be corrupted in they minds an’ not havin’ they hands on what be the truth.

5 You be sayin’ that they be people who be thinkin’ that to be in and of godliness and to be partakin’ of godliness be meanin’ to be gainin’. An’ ya’ll be sayin’ that true gain be godliness with contentment.

6 An’ the validation for this misled thinkin’ of ya’lls be that ya’ll be bringin’ nothin’ into this world so ya’lls cain’t possibly be takin’ anything of this world with you when you be leavin’.

7 An’ so I be remindin’ ya’lls right now that when you be comin’ into this world you be bringin’ everythin’ with you ‘cause you have always been in this world and this universe.

8 An’ I also be remindin’ youz that when you be leavin’ this world you be takin’ everythin’ with youz ‘cause youz never really be leavin’ this world and this universe.

9 And it be the utter truth that godliness should be and is gain for everybody who be allowin’ it to be so.

10 And it don’t be no sin to be finding’ great gain, even more than what be contentment, in godliness,

11 For no matter what poppycock ya’ll be insistin’ on it ain’t be a sin to be wantin’ and seekin’ more that clothin’ and food for all has been made available to you.

12 An’ those who be resolvin’ to be the sole chosen of God, of which there ain’t no such thing since God be in and of everyone, ya’ll be plungin’ men into what be bein’ ruin and destruction,

13 For it be truth that the love of money ain’t be the root of all evil, no way and no how.

14 What be the root of all evil be the hardened and black desire in the hearts of some to be claimin’ that they God be better than somebody else’s God, that one group of worshippers be chosen over another, an’ that love be withheld in prejudice.

15 That, my brothas, be the roots of all that be evil in this world.

16 But ya’ll who be claimin’ to be men of God don’t be evenly pursuin’ faith an’ love. If ya’ll be like that there ain’t be nothing’ ya’ll can be pursuin’ evenly and justly an’ fairly with all considerations for ya’lls fellow man.

17 I be chargin’ ya’ll before God who be givin’ life to everythin’ that be, that ya’lls efforts to be somethin’ that other men ain’t be pointless an’ a crime before God,

18 For the close-mindedness of your hearts and your minds be what be keepin’ ya’ll from seein’ and feelin’ and experiencin’ the immortality that already be in you by the just grace and love of all that be God.

19 Don’t be high-minded in ya’lls faith, thinkin’ that ya’ll be havin’ valid answers that nobody else be havin’ unless they be in the presence of what you be choosin’ to interpret as truth.

20 Ya’ll be doin’ well to be guardin’ the truth that be in ya’ll hearts instead of lettin’ it be covered, concealed by your greediness to be bein’ better than anybody else, and the dark desire in ya’lls heart to be finishin’ what you be thinkin’ be a race in first place.

21 May all true graces of the universe that be makin’ up all that be God be blessin’ youz and findin’ they way to ya’ll.

The Book of II Tim-Tim

Chapter 1

1 Yo, this be another letter to ya’ll who be thinkin’ that ya’ll way of worship be the only way to worship all that be God in this great, grand, and glorious universe.

2 Hell, I be knowin’ little, teeny children who be lisnin’ and be behavin’ better than ya’ll be lisnin’ an’ behavin’. Shee-it.

3 I be tellin’ ya’ll what, I be thankin’ God everyday an’ every night that I ain’t be caught up in the twisted hierarchy of religion an’ shit like ya’ll be.

4 An’ believe me, havin’ to be repeatin’ myself yet again to ya’ll be bringin’ tears to my eyes, ‘cause it sho’ do be makin’ me crazy to be repeatin’ myself when they ain’t no need to be doin’ so if ya’ll asses only be lisnin’ in the first place. Shee-it.

5 Now I be wantin’ to lay my hands on the muthas who be fannin’ the flames of religious differences, layin’ my hands on they throats an’ squeezin’ until they be shuttin’ the fuck up with they crazy talk of they God bein’ better than somebody else’s. Shee-it.

6 For God don’t be wantin’ ya’ll to be havin’ spirits of cowards that be pickin’ on people who be believin’ different than you,

7 ‘Cause bein’ like that ain’t no different than bein’ like the assholes who be actin’ like fools ‘cause they ain’t be sober with alterin’ chemicals and alcoholic drinks coursin’ through they brains.

8 Ya’ll be gettin’ this shit straight, ‘aight? Ya’ll don’t be needin’ to be ashamed of varyin’ faiths in God and everythin’ that be God, you dig? ‘Cause when you be feelin’ shame for these things ya’ll be sufferin’ evils ya’ll don’t need to be sufferin’.

9 ‘Cause each callin’ of faith in each person be a holy call for there be many, many faiths that be makin’ up all that God be, you dig?

10 Once you be allowin’ the truth that all faiths and all paths lead to God to be manifestin’ in ya’lls hearts all ya’ll will be findin’ that all stuntin’ and stoppin’ forms of death be nullified in what be incorruptible light of truth in love and love in truth.

11 An’ it be for this that I be a petitioner of ya’lls ears, a herald of what the truth of truths be, an’ currently a teacher to a buncha’ students who apparently don’t be wantin’ to be lisnin’ to they teacher, goddamnnit.

12 An’ here I be sufferin’ ‘cause I be findin’ that I be repeatedly required to be draggin’ my ass all the way out to where ya’ll be in the friggin’ boondocks of the boondocks…all to be remindin’ yo’ asses to calm the hell down. Shee-it.

13 It be comin’ to my attentions that ya’ll be sayin’ that words that be in healthy patterns be done so in faith an’ love,

14 But I be tellin’ ya’ll that be a load of shit, ‘cause healthy words put into pretty little patterns be meanin’ dick when the patterns of ya’lls faith don’t be healthy. Shee-it.

15 An’ cause you ain’t be guardin’ the good deposits of what be consistin’ of faith and love that all that be makin’ up God be puttin’ in ya’lls hearts,

16 Ya’lls religious ego be writin’ alls kinds of crazy ass checks ya’lls Gospel of Disaster cain’t be cashin’ no way an’ no how.

Chapter 2

1 Now let me be tellin’ ya’ll that yo’ childish asses be lucky that the love of all that be God that be in my heart be overpowerin’ the urge that I be havin’ to choke the livin’ beejesus outta ya’ll bitch kitties.

2 An’ I want to be knowin’ about the crazy things ya’ll been doin’ that I be hearin’ from witnesses who either be watchin’ ya’ll do crazy shit, or they be sufferin’ the consequences of the crazy shit you done be doin’.

3 Accordin’ to ya’lls tenets of disaster ya’lls gots to be sufferin’ evil in order to be bein’ good little soldiers of ya’lls twisted faith.

4 But what all ya’ll little toy soldiers not be tellin’ people is that ya’ll be the ones who be cookin’ up a good amount of the so-called sufferin’ that ya’ll be experiencin’.

5 For the sufferin’ you often be experiencin’ at the hands of others be a direct result of the horse-shit you done started with them in the first place which usually be tearin’ up and pokin’ fun an’ meanness at they religions that be different from yours.

6 Some of ya’ll be just like them bank executives that be claimin’ bankruptcy, but still be havin’ billions in the freakin’ bank. Shee-it.

7 Ya’ll be the ones who be laborin’ in plantin’ poisonous seeds that be sproutin’ poisonous trees that be birthin’ poisonous fruits.

8 An’ your complainin’ asses be the ones to be slyly offerin’ fruit, poisonous fruit, to those who unwittingly be your pawns in a horrible version of divine chess that be created by stingy, religious salvation-hoardin’ crooks like ya’ll.

9 Ya’ll best be rememberin’ that the evil, faith-robbin’ disaster that ya’ll be callin’ the only true words of the only God of the one an’ only true faith be criminal.

10 But everybody who be knowin’ the truth of all that be God and all that be in God and all that be of God be enduring’ of ya’lls shit, ‘cause alls our hearts be knowin’ what be the truth of faith an’ love bein’ for all men of all faiths an’ beliefs,

11 No matterin’ what they be belivin’ or what they God be lookin’ like in comparison to others, everybody be worthy of salvations an’ faith an’ love an’ hope an’ peace.

12 This also be applyin’ to salvation-stingy, faith hierarchy-labelin’ muthas like ya’ll. That be the truth, foh-shizzle it be.

13 An’ it be somethin’ of a disturbin’ thing to see that ya’ll honestly be thinkin’ that ya’ll must be dyin’ and sufferin’ for the purveyor of your disastrous faith in order to be livin’ in eternal glory.

14 How do it be that ya’ll don’t be recognizin’ the eternal glory that already be surroundin’ you?

15 Personally, I think it be because ya’ll be diligently stirrin’ the cauldrons of faith and the soups that be in them.

16 Well, that an’ ya’lls incessant babblin’ that all faiths other than ya’lls be ungodly an’ only be makin’ way for the advancement of more ungodliness. Shee-it.

17 And the precursor of any an’ all troubles you be causin’ can be seen an’ heard in the gangrene words you spit of other faiths.

18 However, no matter how crazy what ya’ll say be gettin’ the truth be remainin’ and there ain’t jack crap ya’ll can be doin’ to change the fact that all faiths be the foundations of God and God and all that be God be the foundations of all faiths.

19 Ya’ll be lettin’ ya’lls misplaced pride in your faith to be makin’ you depart from the righteousness that ya’ll be seekin’ in the first place,

20 For ya’ll be forgettin’ that this universe be the great house of God an’ we all be vessels of gold an’ silver, able to be holdin’ what be wooden an’ what be earthen, what be fire an’ what be water, and even what be the air.

21 Even though there be those in this universe of all that be makin’ up all that God be who don’t be understandin’ this…it still be so.

22 And ya’lls foolish actions an’ ignorant questionings an’ ridiculous contentions don’t be changin’ dick, not one damn iota, of all that be God in this most excellent universe.

Chapter 3

1 And it be well  known that ya’ll be spoutin’ off to all kinds of people that these present times be in the last days, and in these last days difficult times shall be comin’,

2 An’ right before the difficult times be really hittin’ the fan ya’ll and the folks who be believin’ exactly as ya’ll shall be miraculously saved from the shit that everybody else be doomed to be sufferin’.

3 And it be accordin’ to ya’ll that the men who not be lovin’ the way you be lovin’ or thinkin’ the way you be thinkin’ or believin’ the way you be believin’,

4 All the people who be livin’ different than ya’ll and learnin’ different than ya’ll an’ havin’ faith different than ya’ll shall be turned away from a heaven that be leavin’ out anyone or anythin’ that be contrary to ya’lls crazy spiritual gumbo be. Shee-it.

5 It be soundin’ to me like ya’ll be sufferin’ from a form of religious psychosis that be tryin’ to devour people one way or ‘nother if they don’t be given youz the power of decision makin’ in they lives.

6 And everythin’ that people be doin’ that ya’ll don’t be likin’ you be labelin’ as sinful lusts.

7 Ya’ll be constantly studyin’ but never be learnin’ the truth, so similar to the farmer who cannot see the rain but be comin’ in from the day’s work soakin’ wet.

8 And just as Smith and Wesson be opposed to crime, so be ya’ll opposed to anyone havin’ faith in another gospel than the one you be crammin’ down people’s throats, whether or not they be knowin’ you be doin’ that.

9 But ya’ll do not be understandin’ that the folly of ya’lls faith shall never be advanced to what ya’ll be claimin’ it shall be manifested to.

10 The only thing that youz faith be manifestin’ to be, well, that be an infestation of the heart and soul and mind.

11 You and the persecutions and sufferins’ that ya’ll be claimin’ be done to you out of purposeful plannin’ and execution of all those who be believin’ different be nothin’ more than a twisted, whacked out version of real-life Shakespeare.

12 And ya’ll crazy muthas be sayin’ that because youz be persecuted that be the proof that ya’ll be the godly lovers of the one, true faith.

13 But what really be happnin’ be that ya’ll be short-sheetin’ youz own beds an’ then accusin’ youz neighbors that be livin’ three goddamn miles away of doin’ it.

14 But, hey, if ya’ll be decidin’ that youz wants to be continuin’ to be sayin’ the happy-crappy-doo and the pluck-plucka-plucka that you be claimin’ to be the truth of all that be, well, hell…go right on ahead.

15 Youz just best be rememberin’ this one thing, ‘aight?

16 Ya’ll muthas been warned more’n once…more’n twice, an’ because of that ya’ll can be makin’ up ya’lls third time and youz fuckin’ charms, you dig?

17 Ya’ll crazy muthas be thinkin’ youz be ready with all the complete info of what you be needin’ for any kind of good work, but you brothas only be foolin’ ya’lls selfs. Shee-it.

Chapter 4

1 I be tellin’ ya’ll this for your own good, ‘aight? Listen up, an’ be lisnin’ good.

2 Ya’ll need to stop livin’ in fear and ya’ll need to stop preachin’ fear ‘cause this be completely and totally contrary to everythin’ that God be an’ everythin’ that be fillin’ this universe.

3 For the times that ya’ll be plannin’ for where you be sayin’ all the crazy things you been sayin’ shall be justified ain’t goin’ be happnin’, you dig? Nope, I bet ya’ll don’t dig.

4 Youz still be sittin’ there, comfy in youz thoughts that you be the only people ever in the history of humanity to be gettin’ God and everything that be God right.

5 What the hell be ya’lls malfunction?

6 Do ya’ll be that damn desperate to be finishin’ in what you be thinkin’ be some kinda’ spiritual first place?

7 Are ya’ll that freakin’ driven to be alienatin’ ya’lls friends and family just to be validatin’ the crazy, twistin’, dilapidated Gospel of Disaster?

8 Why do ya’ll be doin’ this to yourselfs an’ each other? Ya’ll truly believe that you be fightin’ a good fight!

9 Don’t ya’ll be understandin’ that fightin’ ain’t no damn good thing to be doin? It don’t matter what it be! Fightin’ ain’t the way to fix anything!

10 It has to be done with love, ya’ll crazy muthas! Don’t you be gettin’ that shit right yet? Don’t you be gettin’ it that love be the only way? An’ not ya’lls brand of twisted love that be pickin’ and choosin’ who be receiving’ love!

11 Ya’ll say that ain’t nobody be saved by works, but then you be sayin’ that people be judged by they works.

12 This is a lie! For ya’ll cain’t be havin’ your truths that you be spinnin’ accordin’ to whatever tale you be tellin’ any which way you be wantin’!

13 There will be a time, oh yes there will, when ya’ll finally be seein’ the light.

14 An’ it won’t be through violence and craziness that you be expectin’.

15 An’ it won’t be through fire that you be sayin’ will be consumin’ all that be contrary to everythin’ you are.

16 For God, everythin’ that be God, and everythin’ that be created by God all be filled with the totality of love that forever be God.

17 An’ you know what, suckas? It all be good, ‘cause God and all that be makin’ up what God is be good!

18 So, I be tellin’ ya’ll with more authority than ya’ll be even recognizin’ to be existin’,

19 We all be sittin’ and eatin’ and drinkin’ and laughin’ and lovin’ and enjoyin’ love an’ life at the same goddamn table ‘cause we all be brethren, you dig? Nope. I bet ya’ll don’t be diggin’ it, but that don’t matter none.

20 Your terrible words an’ hurtful faith an’ twisted Gospel of Disaster and its horrific prophecies cain’t be changin’ nothin’ about the goodness that God be, the goodness of the love of God that be reachin’ everywhere,

21 And the goodness an’ lovin’ excellence of all that be comin’ together to be makin’ what God be.

22 And that I be knowin’ for sure, my brothas.

23 May the truth of all that be comprisin’ the mighty love of God and the universe be findin’ its way to your eyes so that ya’ll be openin’ youz hearts an’ minds.

24 Peace.

The Book of T’aight

Chapter 1

1 I once be a slave to the Gospel of Disaster, an apostle of a supposed faith that be drawin’ lines of separation, a faith that be sayin’, Our version of God be better than ya’lls version of God.

2 Now they be sayin’ they be speakin’ for God who cannot lie, and who be makin’ promises since before anybody be rememberin’ anything.

3 But youz has to be rememberin’ that while God won’t be lyin’, people still be lyin’. And guess what, ya’ll? That shit also be happnin’ since before anybody be rememberin’ anything.

4 To all those brothas’ an’ sistas’ who be T’aight with they homeys believin’ different, may the Lord be blessin’ you.

5 And to all those twisted muthas’ out there who be thinkin’ they be all special and they be the only ones God be savin’ for anything, well may the Lord be blessin’ ya’lls asses also…even though ya’ll be thinkin’ and doin’ some pretty messed up shit.

6 Now the reason I be writin’ youz be pretty simple if you really be thinkin’ right, you dig?

7 I be writin’ you so ya’ll be gettin’ things straight about the Tenement Gospel and the Gospel of Disaster, for if ya’lls don’t be knowin’ what the hell you be talkin’ about, then youz probably shouldn’t be talkin’ about it!

8 First we be talkin’ about husbands and wives and they kids, ‘aight?

9 And before I be gettin’ to that let me be sayin’ real quick here that there ain’t no damn thing wrong with people who be wantin’ to be makin’ kids without gettin’ married, you dig?

10 So ya’ll don’t even be goin’ there, ‘aight?

11 Now when a man and a woman be married and be havin’ kids, they best be good to each other, you dig? And, they best be good to they kids they be makin’.

12 A man and a woman who be married don’t need to be beatin’ on each other, and they sure as hell don’t need to be beatin’ on they kids, you dig?

13 And a man and a woman who be married to each other don’t need to be arguin’ about who gets to say what, about who makes the most money, about who works and who takes care of the kids, about who has the final say about anythin’,

14 Because the only thing that be matterin’ is that everything they do be done for the good of the family, you dig?

15 And the same thing be said about women and women who be lovin’ each other, and men and men who be lovin’ each other,

16 They shouldn’t be hittin’ on each other and bein’ mean an’ shit, ‘aight?

17 And the same thing be applyin’ to them if they be havin’ kids that they best not be beatin’ on them,

18 For you can rest assur’ dat God be keepin’ eyes out for any kind of parents, men and women, or men and men and women and women, who be beatin’ on they kids or each other,

19 And when God be seein’ them God be findin’ a way to teach they beatin’ ass a lesson…probably by way of a beatin’ just to show them some damn backwoods southern justice, my brothas.

20 And now I need to be tellin’ you about those unruly mo’ fos who be sayin’ crazy shit, and sometimes they be sayin’ crazy shit for the sake of sayin’ crazy shit which be makin’ no goddamn sense, ‘aight?

21 And these muthas’ be havin’ mouths big enough to be puttin’ houses in, along with one a them bargain basement shops an’ shit, you dig?

22 And these muthas’ always be spoutin’ off about how the Cretans of the world always be lyin’, always be evil, and always be lazy muthas’.

23 But half the time the truth a dat shit be that the muthas’ sayin’ this shit be the one who are Cretans because they be all of the bad things they be warnin’ everybody about not bein’.

24 And it be these same kind of people who be baggin’ on the Tenement Gospel and be sayin’ shit that the Tenement Gospel be a myth that be created to turn folk away from the only real truth of the Gospel of Disaster.

25 They be sayin’ that the Tenement Gospel ain’t pure and be defiled by those who be against the Gospel of Disaster.

26 But the truth of it all be that the minds and the consciences of these muthas’ be impure and defiled by they desire to subjugate and rule and to claim greatness over another brotha’ and they beliefs,

27 And while these muthas’ be actin’ a fool like this they be professin’ to be knowin’ God at the same time,

28 But it be by they pointless works that be derivin’ from a desire to be a power monger over all that they be showin’ theyselves to be abominable, disobedient, and full of shit.

Chapter 2

1 But for you who be believin’ in the Tenement Gospel and the things that be worthy of teachin’, so should you be goin’ out and be speakin’ of these things.

2 Those muthas who be of an aged body should not be sober minded, thinkin’ that they be close to the grave.

3 Instead, those men an’ women who be elderly ought to be of a happy demeanor, enjoyin’ they golden years and bein’ taken care of by they kids and they family and they friends.

4 An’ if people be in love with someone then they best be lovin’ that someone with everything they got an’ everythin’ they are.

5 And if people be wantin’ to raise kids then they best be raisin’ them with love and affection and tenderness and mercy,

6 For to be raisin’ your kids in such a manner be the same thang as makin’ the world a better place, you dig?

7 An’ for all youz who be in a relationship you best be rememberin’ that the man ain’t be better than the woman and the woman ain’t be better than the man,

8 And if you be a woman and be in a lovin’ relationship with a woman you best be keepin’ in mind that neither a ya’ll be better than the other.

9 And if you be a man and you be in a lovin’ relationship with a man you best be keepin’ in mind that neither of ya’ll be better than the other.

10 And when you be doin’ good works you best be doin’ them for the sake of doin’ them, for the sake of goodness, and for the sake of remindin’ your heart what it be feelin’ like to help others.

11 And remember that when you be speakin’ about healthy speakin’ and teachin’ good things, and when you be speakin’ about the good things that you be doin,’ you best do so with a good heart and a good mind and with good intentions.

12 For healthy speech without a good heart and without good intentions is shameful, somethin’ to be condemned, and nothin’ short of evil.

13 And anybody who be treatin’ another person like they was a slave needs to be taken out back and beaten like a red-headed step-child.

14 And all muthas who be holdin’ positions of authority best be keepin’ in mind that don’t mean they have the right to be treatin’ other muthas like slaves, for if they be actin’ like such a fool they don’t be deserving’ the position they be havin’.

15 And for whoever be teachin’ the grace of God, they best be rememberin’ that the grace of God and all salvation be for all muthas, you dig?

16 God does not nor has he ever withheld or given grace and salvations to people based on they beliefs, they religions, they special churches, or they particular interpretations of any holy book or words.

17 For God and all interpretations of God be for everyone, the grace of God be for everyone, the blessings of God be for everyone, the hope of God be for everyone, the faith of God be for everyone, and the greatness of God be for everyone.

18 Speak of these things, ‘aight? And if any mo’ fos’ be troublin’ you and be despisin’ ya’ll don’t pay them muthas any mind, you dig?

Chapter 3

1 Ya’ll be remindin’ yourselfs and others that it is a good thing to be followin’ rules that be just, and lisnin’ to authorities that be fair, and to be doin’ as many good deeds as possible.

2 And ya’ll don’t be talkin’ shit about other muthas if they don’t be deservin’ it, and in the same breath don’t be takin’ no shit form other muthas either.

3 And remember that to be purposely foolish be absolutely disobedient, and to be purposely disobedient be absolutely foolish.

4 And if you be lettin’ yourselfs be slaves to ridiculous lusts, slaves to pleasures without real love or joy, slaves to envy, slaves to hateful thinkin’ and hateful treatment ‘cause of the different things that people be believin’ in,

5 Then my brothas you best be doin’ everythin’ within’ ya’lls power to be changin’ from such a wretched life, you dig?

6 Ya’ll be doin’ everything possible to be bringin’ the love and grace and kindness and salvations of God and the Tenement Gospel into your lives, your hearts, your thoughts, your deeds, and into every bit of who you be, you dig?

7 And don’t be believin’ the ludicrous Gospel of Disaster that be tellin’ you that if you be followin’ a special set of rules in a special faith of a special religion in a special God,

8 That if you be doin’ these special things you be part of a special group that be specially picked by God to be avoidin’ the terrible judgment that he be throwin’ everybody else to.

9 And do yourselfs a favor an’ don’t be dismissin’ of the many interpretations of God and truth,

10 For just as an orchestra be havin’ loads of different instruments, it still be makin’ harmonious music fit for the peasant and the king both, and the parishioner and the cleric alike.

11 And so be all that God is…made of many faiths, of many truths, of many loves, of many joys, of many different musics that all be soundin’ beautiful if you only be openin’ the ears of your heart and your mind.

12 So ya’ll don’t be like the twisted muthas out there who be pervertin’ the beauty of that and of who God be, ’cause God be savin’ all of everybody in all of eternity through many virtues of many faiths.

13 For to condemn the beauty of the height and width and depth and encompassin’ nature of all that be God and God’s truths and God’s salvations, well that be the same damn thing as condemnin’ yourselfs.

14 So don’t be actin’ like stupid muthas, you dig?

15 And for those brothas who don’t be wantin’ to be prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster no more, you best be kind to them, be treatin’ them how you be wantin’ to be treated and show them the expansive and excellent truth of God.

16 My brothas, you can be bettin’ that what I be sayin’ here be the most righteous truth, foh-shizzle! The God of all truths and the Tenement Gospel be with all ya’ll homeys! Say hi to my momma for me, ‘aight? Peace out.

The Book of Lemons

1 Ya’ll who be prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster, ya’ll who be findin’ peace in the destruction of others,

2 And to all the po’ mo’ fos who be wishin’ they never put theyselves into the grips of the Gospel of Disaster,

3 Grace be to ya’ll, an’ so be peace unto you as well.

4 I be thankin’ God every time I be prayin’ that I be recognizin’ the Tenement Gospel and not be drownin’ in the sea of hate that be created by the Gospel of Disaster.

5 For I be hearin’ the preachin’ of the Gospel of Disaster talkin’ about the love of God and the salvation of they version of Jesus bein’ for everyone,

6 But then I be hearin’ them be sayin’ that none of these things will be unless the person that be hearin’ this mumbo jumbo be droppin’ everything else, and only be taking the Gospel of Disaster as truth.

7 And these muthas not be payin’ any mind that this ain’t no way to be behavin’. True fellowship ain’t be bein’ born out of separation and dividin’ lines,

8 True fellowship ain’t be born of the ridiculous idea that there only be one way to be thinkin’ and believin’ in God and in truth.

9 I be here beggin’ you to be comin’ around to your senses, ‘aight?

10 I be here tryin’ to tell you that your faith be useless an’ harmful if it be somethin’ begotten in any kind of bondage.

11 And the Gospel of Disaster be begotten in bondage of thought and be begotten in bondage of soul and be begotten in bondage of spirit and be begotten in bondage of mind.

12 So, ya’ll best be doin’ yo’selves a big ass favor and be droppin’ that horse puckey, ‘aight?

13 Because, an’ speakin’ frankly, my brothas, that shit be useless to you.

14 Of course, without ya’ll payin’ no mind ain’t shit can be done about the shit you be in, aight?

15 So, ya’ll voluntary be payin’ attention and be helpin’ to sort this shit out, you dig?

16 Ya’ll don’t be needin’ to be no slaves to some crazy ass shit that be tellin’ you to be separatin’ yourselves from other brothas any way that you can be doin’ crazy shit like dat, ‘aight?

17 Because, ya’ll know what, my brothas? Whether you be likin’ it or not, everybody be bein’ your brothas, you dig?

18 And if you brothas be wrongin’ each otha’, then ya’lls need to be fixin’ that shit and not findin’ ways to be fuckin’ things up even more, you dig?

19 Now you best be knowin’ that I be writin’ this shit my own self, ‘aight? And do you be knowin’ why I be doin’ that, brothas? I be doin’ it because I be givin’ a good goddamn about what be happnin’, ‘aight?

20 Das right, my brothas, I be carin’ about you, and what be happnin’ to youz whether or not you be believin’ in the Tenement Gospel, ‘aight? And that be because das how real brothas be rollin’, you dig?

21 Now I be confident that one a these days ya’ll goin’ get this shit right, Lord I knows it.

22 And Lord also be knowin’ that I be preparin’ for the shit you goin’ be startin’ before ya’ll be gettin’ the truth.

23 And all of my fellow brothas that used to be ya’lls fellow prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster be prayin’ for yo asses, you dig?

24 And you may not be thinkin’ so accordin’ to yo lame ass Gospel of Disaster, but we all be workin’ for the good of all fellow brothas and sistas, you dig?

25 The grace of everythin’ that be God, and everythin’ that be truth, and everythin’ that be love be with all you homeys out there, ‘aight? Peace out!

The Book of Brewdude

Chapter 1

1 In all that be the universe, in what be all faiths, it be the truth that everything that be makin’ up what God be and that be chatted on by Mac Daddy of old through them who be the true prophets,

2 They who be the true prophets of all faiths,

3 It be these who be sayin’ everythin’ that be comprisin’ what God be for sho’ do be speakin’ to all them brothas who be havin’ the wisdom to open they hearts and minds,

4 To the love that is for all and that be in all.

5 And it be true that if one be allowin’ the full expression of what be the true mercy of all that be God to be interpretin’ the vision of they hearts,

6 They minds will be encompassin’ all and shall be seein’ forever.

7 An’ if that be happnin’ the heart an’ the soul of a man be becomin’ better than what it be when all he be havin’ was solely the interpretation of men.

8 For it be that if men only be havin’ that which they be tellin’ theyselfs,

9 And if men only be havin’ that which they have been known to be witholdin’ from one another in what be an effort to control that which they believe to exist,

10 Then it be all the more difficult for them to be understandin’ they birth in this universe and they relationship to the understandin’ of all that be comprisin’ everythin’ that God be.

11 An’ it be that angels be sayin’ to the men, Do you be seein’ that you be bein’ made as we of what be the same earth and wind and fire and water?

12 An’ do you be seein’ that what be the throne of all that be God be everywhere an’ has been everywhere since before the plans were even be drawin’,

13 Before the foundations for each day even be laid,

14 Before the days began to stretch into what be eternity,

15 Before eternity be beginnin’ to loop into all that be now.

Chapter 2

1 Now ya’ll best be rememberin’ that it be important to be lisnin’ to all the messages that be fillin’ the day,

2 And when you lay down at night and be realizin’ that you be missin’ a message or misinterpretin’ a message or skipped a message do not be afraid.

3 For the angels have formerly been known to be sayin’, There is no transgression. Simply live yesterday for today, and tomorrow for each day.

4 And always be rememberin’ that all be right now, ‘aight? And all that be now is and shall ever be.

5 If ya’ll want to be escapin’ the neglect of what be yo salvations ya’lls gots to be realizin’ that salvations have always been around and they are for all, in all and through all.

6 Know that there ain’t be one individual who be superior or inferior to another when it be comin’ to who be given salvations,

7 But youz gots to be knowin’ that while salvations share neither superiority nor inferiority when it be comin’ to who they be for,

8 It be the truth, foh-shizzle, that the character of one man or woman may be varyin’ in strength an’ viability when it be held up to the ingredients of another’s own character.

9 For though it be true that salvations are for all,

10 There are still those brothas who shall abuse their gift of freewill,

11 Refusing’ to be makin’ decisions that be reflective of their innate understandin’ of love and the knowledge that everybody be havin’ love inside them since the beginnin’ of all things.

12 Whether or not a brotha be wantin’ it to be, the fact be remainin’ that all things be bein’ in and of God and for and to God,

13 And though it be the truth that men who be makin’ crappy-assed decisions are exactly as the poor be and always with all us muthas,

14 This don’t be fudgin’ up the truth of the Tenement Gospel and all salvations bein’ for everyone,

15 An’ it be bein’ because of this truth that ya’ll don’t be needin’ to label these muthas as fallen since it is quite true, foh-shizzle it is, that all men shall find their way to God and all that be comprisin’ of what God is.

16 For there is not one man or woman anywhere who be saved by any kind of sufferin’ since sufferin’ in the first place is what be the clear indicator that what a brotha be doin’ or thinkin’ be contrary to what be a clear, strong, healthy and wide path.

17 And though some o’ ya’ll be sayin’ that sufferin’ be the best and only way a slave of the Gospel of Disaster be savin’ enough kudos for heaven,

18 These non-sensical ravins’ cain’t be changin’ the truth that there don’t need to be sufferin’.

19 For soon as a brotha be embracin’ the Tenement Gospel he shall be bein’ free from slavery of any type the very moment he be havin’ the truth held firmly in the clutches of what be his heart.

Chapter 3

1 So, ya’ll brothas out there who be understandin’ and be practicin’ and thinkin’ on the things I be tellin’ youz, know that your endurin’ faith in the Tenement Gospel be your perseverin’ salvations.

2 Within all men be the ability to be an apostle of what he believe to be bein’ the truth.

3 For all men be havin’ the ability to open they eyes and open they heart and in doin’ so be bein’ faithful to the Tenement Gospel and all that be comprisin’ all of what God be.

4 My brothas be allowin’ ya’lls hearts to be rememberin’ that love an’ all salvations be bein’ built by all things that be comprisin’ what God be, and because of this the hearts of all muthas be havin’ the opportunity to be built by master craftsmen.

5 It be bein’ important that the brothas of the Tenement Gospel not go about spoutin’ off to other muthas and brothas that they faith be any better than everybody else’s.

6 Plus, even if some po’ thinkin’ brotha did somethin’ like that it be highly likely that he just ain’t understandin’ the message of the Tenement Gospel.

7 Say this very moment ya’ll be suddenly graced by the presence of some poor schlub who be thinkin’ the misleading of the Gospel of Disaster be the correct truth,

8 Now, it will a’course be natural for ya’ll to be reactin’ that youz don’t want to be hearin’ they shit,

9 But ya’ll don’t be hardenin’ your heart against them for the barren wilderness of they faith be responsible for them makin’ decisions and faiths devoid of true hope and unrestrained salvations.

10 And don’t be doin’ like the purveyors of the Gospel of Disaster be doin’ when they are drawn astray by they prideful faith and delusionary truths, claimin’ to be knowin’ the heart and will of all that be comprisin’ what God be.

11 The stewards of the Gospel of Disaster be swearin’ oaths that they shall save who they can be savin’ and they be abandonin’ whoever not be believin’ like they do sayin’, They ain’t ever enterin’ into our rest.

12 Beware of the brotha who be evil in his heart and be showin’ everybody such through his callous insistence to be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster only be savin’ those who be perfect in they practices before who they be thinkin’ God be.

13 And don’t be lisnin’ to no horseshit that the day be existin’ all on its own, for the day is never lonely but what it be doin’ is sharin’ everythin’ that be with everythin’ that is.

14 For soon as people be understandin’ the vastness of all that be God these people be understandin’ that they be becomin’ partners in life no matter what they beliefs be.

15 An’ it be true, foh-shizzle, that one of the best things to be recognizin’ in dealin’ with orators of the Gospel of Disaster is that it be great fun an’ games to be killin’ them with the kindness they don’t be showin’ others.

16 For who don’t be gettin’ a good laugh when the faces of those who be pesterin’ all faiths but their’s be contortin’ with anger when people don’t be fallin’ for they insurrectionist shit?

17 An’ it be the truth, foh-shizzle it do, that there ain’t one man who be bein’ turned away from salvations ‘cause of his lack of faith.

18 For all men be bein’ embraced by salvations whether or not they be realizin’ it or wantin’ it and whether or not they be believin’ in anything or anyone.

Chapter 4

1 And let me be promisin’ ya’ll that there ain’t be one thing in this universe that be gained by lettin’ ya’lls mind be floatin’ in a sea of fear.

2 For whatever reason they be those muthas out there who simply don’t want to be sayin’ anythin’ unless it be a juicy piece of gossip.

3 But ya’ll of the Tenement Gospel who be havin’ faith don’t need to be worryin’ none,

4 For the Tenement Gospel be makin’ it clear that the wrath of a God that be destructin’ all those against him be false in every way.

5 It be the truth that all men in the universe be worthy of the rest of the salvations of all that be makin’ God everythin’ that it is.

6 Petitioners of disastrous dogmas who be disobedient to the love in the universe cain’t be changin’ nothin’ about the salvations of the love of God and everything that be makin’ up what God be.

7 And ya’ll be hearin’ these rabble-rousers and they endless empty chatter that be instructin’ to go and prepare for a day that will never come ‘cause it already be here.

8 Do not be livin’ for the moment, these rabble-rousers instruct. Do not be livin’ for the now, but be preparin’ for a maybe…a big and terrible maybe where God be throwin’ chunks of humanity into a supposed lake of flames.

9 And each lifetime that these disastrous preachers be failin’ to live in the now they be an example of all those muthas out there who be claimin’ that love be conquerin’ all ‘cept they don’t be lettin’ it do so.

10 Ya’ll be doin’ yourselfs right by rememberin’ to allow your heart to be allowin’ love to be doin’ what it be supposed to be doin’ in youz life.

11 For love be a mainstay of all that be comprisin’ God, and it be the truth that love is livin’ and constantly workin’ to be fruitful in the lives of all men,

12 But the men who be insistin’ to be usin’ love as a weapon will be findin’ that it be sharper than any kind of sword, and though it can be cuttin’ all the way through a man’s heart to what be the root of his problems he must first allow it to be doin’ so.

13 For a man cain’t be shuttin’ love out of his lives forever, and there will come a time when a man’s heart simply must yield to the love that be graspin’ his heart so fiercely and in that time he must be showin’ hisself mercy.

14 And a man don’t be needin’ to be repentin’ an’ askin’ for forgiveness in order to have it given to him, ‘cause confessin’ ain’t be what be savin’ a man, but rather the recognition that forgiveness already be there in, of, and for him.

15 So let each man within’ his own heart be submittin’ to love and the understandin’ that it do be conquerin’ all, and the further understandin’ that he must be allowin’ love to do what it be meant to do.

Chapter 5

1 And every man be perfectly viable to be approachin’ God all on his own.

2 And each man be fully capable of approachin’ God on his own behalf for his own understandin’.

3 People should not be seekin’ out somebody who be approachin’ God for them on they behalf. This be non-sensical.

4 And even if a man be afraid to be approachin’ God, sayin’, Who am I, so small and so insignificant that I be approachin’ God on my own?

5 Even this man should not be afraid, for to be fearin’ God is to be fearin’ himself. For man be in, of, and for all that be God just like God be in, of, and for man.

6 Therefore, if each man be understandin’ he shall be seein’ that all that be God be designatin’ each man to be bein’ his own priest.

7 Now tryin’ to explain all this to those who be slingin’ around the Gospel of Disaster be a difficult thing for no matter how much of what you be sayin’ to those muthas they simply cain’t be hearin’ for squat.

8 This be because since the time these muthas be preceivin’ theyselfs as teachers they also be thinkin’ themselves right about everythin’ they be sayin’ about anything.

9 But these mo’ fos be like babies who ain’t be ready to be weaned and should be stayin’ on the bottle instead of tryin’ to eat table scraps they cain’t be chewin’ with they toothless gums.

10 And all men who be thinkin’ that all that be God is only for a few to understand be wrong.

11 And all men who be thinkin’ that salvations and mercies and graces only be for a special few who be believin’ a certain way are wrong.

12 And all men who be thinkin’ that God will be willingly casting hoards of humanity into a pit of fire for not believin’ and worshippin’ in a certain way be wrong.

13 For it be the truth that all men be given salvations whether or not they be knowin’ it.

Chapter 6

1 So, my brothas, don’t be buildin’ your life on the false belief that God be picky in who he be givin’ salvations to ‘cause thinkin’ like that just be lettin’ everybody know what an ignorant puts youz be.

2 If a man be permittin’ of God to shine within him he shall be recognizin’ that he may be doin’ many wonderful things, even layin’ hands and healin’.

3 And once a man be understandin’ the God within him and all that be comprisin’ God this man cain’t never be goin’ backwards in his thinkin’ and shall forever from that point be livin’ his lives in understandin’ of God.

4 And in havin’ the understandin’ of God a man can be in control of his powers and can be contributin’ in proper fashion to the comin’ of each age.

5 Ya’ll be understandin’ that those who be teachin’ that the Gospel of Disaster be crucifyin’ all who be fallin’ away from their one, true faith only be crucifyin’ theyselfs.

6 For these delusional, disastrous stricken fear mongers don’t be seein’ the truth that the same earth that be sproutin’ forth foods to be feedin’ them be the same earth that be sproutin’ forth foods to feed everybody else as well.

7 Those of the Gospel of Disaster be no different than any other man save for the fact that they be bein’ fooled by a cold an’ heartless faith, a faith that be puttin’ forth spiny thorns and thistles in the sides of humanity just to gain the control they be wantin’.

8 But each man be doin’ in his heart everythin’ he can be doin’ to ensure that he be strong in the love in his heart, never allowin’ the temptations an’ the promises of control to be convincin’ him to join a disastrous faith.

9 For the God of the Gospel of Disaster is a judgmental, prejudiced, double-speakin’, trickery filled divine bein’ that be interested in nothin’ more than garnerin’ as much control of others as possible.

10 Those men who be wise in they hearts and who be wise in regards to they salvations be recognizin’ that God don’t be no intimidator.

11 It be true that the God of Abraham be the very same God of all men, regardless of what facet of God they be choosin’ to be lookin’ at,

12 And this God has blessed all, saved all, loved all, is in and of and through all no matter what a few stingy muthas be sayin’ about they bein’ right and everybody else bein’ wrong.

13 Ya’ll be openin’ yourselfs and your hearts to the love that be surroundin’ all and you then be seein’ for yourselfs that God be abundant to, of, and for everyone.

14 And ya’ll best be rememberin’ that there be two unchangeable things in this eternity,

15 The first unchangeable thing be that God don’t be puttin’ people in no damn fire-filled lake.

16 The second unchangeable thing be that God is love and love be in, of, and for everyone.

17 So, let the love that be surroundin’ everythin’ be fillin’ ya’lls hearts and souls and minds,

18 And may it be allowin’ youz to be ministerin’ in proper fashion to those around youz who be in need.

Chapter 7

1 All men be havin’ the ability to be bein’ high priests of God. It don’t be takin’ no rocket scientist to be knowin’ this.

2 Of course, the varyin’ levels of the hearts of men dictate that not all men shall be seekin’ such a thing, for there be plenty men satisfied with the control they be creatin’ over others in some form or other.

3 There will be those men and women who do seem to be havin’ a greater grasp of what the priesthood of God be,

4 And these men and women shall be feelin’ the gifts of foresight, healin’, knowin’ of the thoughts of others and possessin’ of the ability to be in control of the power that be creatin’.

5 And those carriers of the banner of the Gospel of Disaster be jealous of these people for they long for power and the control that it can be creatin’ if it be used in a manner other than what it was intended to be used.

6 It be true that the planters of the disastrous faith be doin’ everything they can be doin’ to try to be convincin’ peoples that the powers that most be thinkin’ belong solely to God don’t be occurin’ naturally in man.

7 For the very fact that God and all that be makin’ up what God be is in and of and for all men already be indicatin’ that man possesses all the strengths and powers that God do be possessin’.

8 Wherever there be God, an’ believe me that do be everywhere, so there also be the strength and power of God. Ain’t no denyin’ that, homey.

9 And it be for these things that all men be fully able to be approachin’ God on they own behalf.

10 And there don’t be an oath that gots to be taken when recognizin’ one’s own priestliness. All there needs to be is a willingness to know God and everything that be makin’ up what God be.

11 And ya’ll best be understandin’ that there don’t be existin’ a law that be sayin’ this man or that man be a better priest than another,

12 For the true test of a priest be how he be ministerin’ unto himself first and above all.

13 And if a priest be healthy an’ lovin’ then you be knowin’ that the holiness of what he practices be good and be a strong testimony of example to all those who be wantin’ to know the heart of God.

14 And if a priest be cruel, heartless, and a seeker of mean things and ends then you be knowin’ that such is his testimony of the priesthood of all that be God.

15 Any men who be tryin’ to be withholdin’ the graces and mercies of God on any level from another person do not understand the nature of all that God is, nor the power they possess.

Chapter 8

1 Behold, there be those muthas who be sayin’ that the days are numbered, and there be a day comin’ when the Lord shall be makin’ new covenants and takin’ names for the bad list of all those headed to hell.

2 But this is not so, for each day is, was, is goin’ to be and always will be. Each day is now that may be accessed at any time.

3 Therefore it be, my brothas, that it don’t be in the least bit healthy for a man to be livin’ one day in fear of another, foh-shizzle that be the truth.

4 For what do fear be accomplishin’ other than derision, division, anxiety, hopelessness, despondency, and loads of sleepless nights? Not a damn thing, at least nothin’ that be anythin’ reminiscent of good and useful.

5 And since all that makes up what God be is in everythin’ and for everythin’ and of everythin’ that be meanin’ that not one thing be older or younger than another,

6 For everythin’ that be existin’ do so within and of and for God and everythin’ that be God.

7 Therefore, ya’ll be resolved within youz hearts to be seekin’ the love of God and all that be comprisin’ God,

8 And whatever you be comin’ to understand youz best be sharin’ that with youz fellow brothas everywhere, not bein’ greedy of the joys you be uncoverin’.

9 Be understandin’ that the heart of each man be servin’ as a tabernacle and temple for the love that be God that be fillin’ everythin’, ‘aight?

10 So, ya’ll be doin’ unto yourselfs what was meant to be done unto all men and be showin’ yourselfs and everybody else the love of God that be in you and of you and for you.

Chapter 9

1 Those who be divinin’ the Gospel of Disaster be sayin’ that what be the sanctuary of God not be of this earth or of this world, yet this not be the truth, my brothas.

2 For what be the true, real tabernacle and sanctuary for God be right inside every man, in his heart if he only be lettin’ God do what God be meant to do in a man’s heart.

3 And the tabernacle and sanctuary that be in a man’s heart be havin’ a man’s mind for what be the lamp stands,

4 And a man’s emotions and will together be the table that be set forth in the holy place that be the man’s soul.

5 Let what the heart of a man be desirin’ to be the ark of his covenant and his altar to all that be holy in this universe, even himself.

6 And the love that be blossomin’ in the heart of man under the stewardship of the glories he be uncoverin’ be the cherubim of glory that be coverin’ and helpin’ to guide his life.

7 In the most holy temple that be a man’s heart there don’t need to be no blood lettin’ or no sacrificin’ of things that be innocent in order to gain forgiveness, no my brotha.

8 For sacrificin’ don’t be the way to be savin’ anything be it man or beast. In order to be savin’ somethin’ there must be a spirit of givin’ and not takin’.

9 Sacrificin’ be of the mind of takin’ and not givin’, therefore it be that sacrificin’ not be the way to holiness and purity of all that God be, especially that which be God inside the heart of man.

10 And a man be doin’ his body right by givin’ himself proper nourishment, proper rest, proper joy, proper pleasure, proper love and all things that a body be needin’ in order to be functioning in a healthy manner.

11 By a man openin’ and determinin’ to be ministerin’ properly to his own body temple, and to be studyin’ those things which be makin’ up all that be God that man be makin’ hisself a mediator of all things holy.

12 This be the covenant of all things that be holy and everythin’ that man be. And it be true, foh-shizzle, that man be holy.

Chapter 10

1 Now those of the Gospel of Disaster speak of good things that may be comin, but I be tellin’ you, my brotha, that all good things already be here.

2 And if a man be seekin’ out good things and holy things then all he need to be doin’ is openin’ the eyes of his heart and his mind.

3 The wise man be understandin’ of the fact that sin be nullified by the understandin’ of the love that be encompassin’ all.

4 The burnin’ of carcasses and the splashin’ of they blood on altars, be they carcasses of beasts or men, ain’t never done a damn thing to be relievin’ any man of his sin,

5 For the burnin’ of carcasses and the splashin’ of blood be actions of takin’ rather than actions of givin’.

6 And what father or mother be givin’ they child nourishment by removin’ the food on the table that be set before them? None, my brothas, not a one.

7 Those of the Gospel of Disaster try to be makin’ those of all other faiths as a footstool to be trampled and tossed about, enemies to be trod upon,

8 But the Tenement Gospel is merciful in remindin’ all that all men have the ability to reach out and grasp all that be God, thereafter releasin’ the tentacles of stingy faith and religion that be upon they lives.

9 And he who be sittin’ on the right hand of God be no damn better than he who be sittin’ at the left hand of God or anywhere’s else about God,

10 For everythin’ that be makin’ up all that be God be testifyin’ to all beings everywhere no matter height or depth or length or width.

11 And when a man be openin’ his heart and his mind to the truth that be makin’ up all that be God he shall then be seein’ the truth of God that already be inscribed upon his heart.

12 And then so shall they sins and transgressions have no place in this universe.

13 Be unwaverin’ in ya’lls faith that the love of God and all that be God be in and of and for everyone.

14 Do not be disturbed by the false zeal that be consumin’ those of the Gospel of Disaster, for even they shall see the truth of the love of God, some sooner than others.

15 And there ain’t be one who be comin’ to judge all, for all be God and in God and for God,

16 Then if God did be judgin’ folks, which he don’t be doin’, he simply be judgin’ hisself and that don’t be makin’ no goddamn sense no way and no how.

Chapter 11

1 My brothas, do ya’ll be knowin’ that the faith that be within youz be the knowledge and understandin’ that God is all and of all and for all.

2 The origins of a man’s faith don’t be changin’ all that God be or any of what be comprisin’ God, and it is this that those who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster don’t be knowin’ and understandin’.

3 For it be easier for the hearts of some men to be tryin’ to understand fabricated differences than to think on what be available and common to and for all men.

4 And with the faith and understandin’ that naturally be in him a man can be understandin’ of the origins of the universe and the divine testimony.

5 The Gospel of Disaster and those who be followin’ such cannot understand what be natural faith an’ testimony ‘cause they be basin’ everythin’ on a wanton abuse of fear. Such is the truth, foh-shizzle.

6 Those who speak of the Gospel of Disaster do not be likin’ this for it make them to be seein’ the shaky foundations of what be their fear-filled, control hungry politic that be tryin’ to masquerade as a lovin’ faith be, which it ain’t.

7 And these men be speakin’ of leavin’ this place they be livin’ in now in exchange of another place that be better, a place where they be surrounded only by those who be believin’ as they do,

8 And they be believin’ that in they new place they can be watchin’ those who be believin’ different than they burnin’ they biscuits in hell. This be a terrible lie.

9 And it be the truth, foh-shizzle it be true, that to be wantin’ to be believin’ in somethin’ purely for the detriment of others be a great sin,

10 And to be sewin’ seeds of discord in any faith just because it be different than what someone be wantin’ is also a great sin.

11 So do it also be a great sin to be tellin’ people that salvations only be for a select few, that overcomin’ only be for a select few, that true faith only be for a select few and that a life filled with the blessin’ of God only be for a select few.

12 Those who be believin’ in such a manner clearly show they have been fooled by the pride of them wantin’ faith an’ salvations to theyselfs.

13 And if they were truly seekin’ out love and faith and hope and salvations they wouldn’t ever be tryin’ to be savin’ and secretin’ away what they discover for theyselfs and their misled army.

14 All the while, all ya’ll best not be forgettin’ that just like two cooks or two vineyard masters learn their trade at different speeds, so does the spirit and the heart and the mind of a man learn all that be comprising’ God.

15 What one man be understandin’ in his heart, another man may not come to understand for some time.

Chapter 12

1 Now there be groups of those professin’ the Gospel of Disaster who be sayin’ that to be acquirin’ salvations there be a race, a spiritual race in effect, where chariots of the spirit be beatin’ a path to the right hand of Jesus.

2 And those who be believin’ this say that each person should be throwin’ off anything or anyone who slows them up in the process of racin’,

3 And so people do this and end up throwin’ away family and friends and businesses and abilities just ‘cause they be fearful such things will interfere with what be they salvations.

4 And those who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster profess to be perfectin’ their faith when all they really be doin’ is perfectin’ the dividin’ lines between different faiths, stirrin’ the religious pot with perfect agitation.

5 And such be these who be prefectin’ the disease of Holier than Thou.

6 Even more, these muthas be don’t be respectin’ the love in they faith that they supposed to be studyin’ in the first place,

7 The kind of discipline they be knowin’ be one wrought of control driven fear.

8 And those who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster take the search for salvations that should be quite joyous, and then go about turnin’ that search into something sorrowful and full of grief.

9 And everybody be knowin’ that a farmer who be sewin’ disaster only be begettin’ disaster, and no matter how much a body be exercisin’ it still be reapin’ what it be sewin’.

10 Therefore don’t be fudgin’ up ya’lls search for all things holy with weary stone-throwin’ hands and weary fear paralyzed knees ‘cause this be makin’ no goddamn sense whatsoever, you dig?

11 Never be in fear of givin’ up what be your birthright to all that be makin’ up what God be, for you can’t be givin’ away what has been given to you by God, you silly, so don’t be lettin’ such a thing be buggin’ youz.

12 Man has already been given the blessin’ of love. All he need to be doin’ now is embracing’ it.

13 Know in your hearts that the God of all be lovin’, foh-shizzle that be the truth.

14 And this God of love don’t be wantin’ youz to be tremblin’ with fear and reproach, for if a man be consumed by the fear of a great master, how the hell can he be enjoyin’ anything as it was meant to be enjoyed?

15 Therefore shall every man be servin’ the love of God with love and grace and peace and without the useless bantering of a faith that for whatever reason be believin’ it be better than all other faiths.

16 It is good to be in awe of God and what be the mighty love that be makin’ up what God be, but never should a man be in fear of God.

Chapter 13

1 Now ya’ll be rememberin’ to be good to each other and be lovin’ each other and be gracious to each other.

2 Ya’ll be embracin’ of each other ‘cause wherever the origin of the one you be extendin’ hospitality to be comin’ from all that matters is that you be bein’ a gracious host.

3 Never be treatin’ each other as prisoners and when it be comin’ to what ya’ll be havin’ as marriage you best be allowin’ all to enjoy such love whether or not they be two men, two women, or a man and a woman.

4 Ya’ll be letting’ your lives be filled with joy and fun, and if you be makin’ a lot of money then live to enjoy that,

5 For there be absolutely nothin’ wrong with enjoyin’ the fruits of ya’lls labor.

6 And if ever you be threatened with damnation by the disastrous apostles of the Gospel of Disaster don’t be without courage,

7 For if you be knowin’ and understandin’ God and love and the power of both then there ain’t goin’ be anything or anyone who can be standin’ in ya’lls way, you dig?

8 Don’t you ever be forgettin’ and don’t ever be allowin’ anybody to be tryin’ to persuade you different that God and everythin’ that be makin’ up what God be is always in you and around you and of you and for you, foh-shizzle that be the ultimate truth.

9 Do not be lettin’ the cruel lunacy of the Gospel of Disaster to wheedle its way into your life an’ your heart. You don’t be needin’ no shit that be encouragin’ anythin’ other than love,

10 For if you be wantin’ good things in youz life, an’ foh-shizzle youz do, then know that all good things be comin’ from all that love be, you dig?

11 And remember that a lot of what sanctification be is love and truth and joy, deep joy.

12 There can be no blood lettin’ or blood takin’ in love for it be written that sanctification be through givin’ and not takin’,

13 And the lettin’ or takin’ of blood be totally contrary to what be love and what be makin’ up everythin’ that God be.

14 Remember that real love never be sacrificin’ but rather it be pure embracin’ of all that be God.

15 May all that be God and love in this great and grand and glorious universe be finding’ its way to you, and may you be blessed with nurturin’ joy.

The Book of Jaime

Chapter 1

1 Salaam, my dizzle! I be brotha Jaime, foh-shizzle! I was once a slave, but now I be a freed mutha since I be lettin’ go of the Gospel of Disaster.

2 Gather ‘round! Gather ‘round, my brothas! I gots some serious shit to be tellin’ y’all. So, ya’ll be good mutha fuckas an’ listen to what a brotha has to say, ‘aight?

3 Now ya’ll can take my word for it that every day is a good day.

4 ‘Course it be the undeniable truth that some of the sit-gee-ations of the day can be shitty and even downright fucked up.

5 Just do yo self a favor an’ remember that jacked-up sit-gee-ations cain’t never take away from the goodness of the day, ‘aight?

6 If something’ bad an’ shitty be fuckin’ wit your day, do everythin’ you can to find somethin’ positive, somethin’ joyful that you can take wit you.

7 Ya’ll be grateful for yo mistakes and fuck-ups, ‘cause if there be anythin’ you can take from such things it be the fact that at least you now know what not to do in future sit-gee-ations.

8 See, homey, ya’ll be helpin’ yo self if you be rememberin’ that your faith that ya’ll will be gettin’ things right at some point or other actually builds endurance, ‘aight?

9 You gots to remember, my brothas, that yo endurance created on one day will be helpin’ you gets through the craziness of the next day, you dig?

10 Ya’ll be rememberin’ this an’ youz will never experience a life short of or devoid of perseverance.

11 And if you ever be feelin’ that you is a stupid mutha fucka and don’t know shit from shinola, that be alright,

12 ‘Cause all youz really need to do, homey, is keep an open mind an’ a non-judgmental heart, and the wisdom you be needin’ to live a happy and kick-ass life will always be surroundin’ you, be available to you, and be made known to you,

13 For the understandin’ of God, of what God be, of what God is, of what God does, and of what you are in relation to God will always be yours to do with as you be willin’ to do.

14 And ya’ll best be rememberin’ that sometimes you will be havin’ a shitty day an’ cain’t seem to be feelin’ the faith or rememberin’ the Tenement Gospel; this be okay, my brotha, ‘cause you be human. What the fuck else do you expect?

15 Blessed is the brothas that be rememberin’ the gifts of trial an’ error ‘cause they be the ones to wear the crown of a life that be livin’ to love, and lovin’ to live.

16 And when you be tempted to do some stupid shit that you be knowin’ is wrong, and you be doin’ it anyways, don’t be tryin’ to sell yo self on the idea that your fuck-up is God simply testin’ you. That shit be makin’ no goddamn sense whatsoever.

17 God don’t be testin’ people like they was in some high school class takin’ a pop-quiz or some other crazy shit.

18 People be fuckin’ they own lives up when they be givin’ in to the temptations of they own ridiculous lusts.

19 And this lust that be foolin’ these mutha fuckas be born out of partaking in pleasures without any real joy or love, ‘aight?

20 All things and gifts that be good in this life and in this universe be from God and love and the understandin’ that God be love, and love be God.

21 And God be givin’ men the choice to be understandin’ the love that be everywhere in this universe.

22 And God be givin’ men the choice to be understandin’ the infinite expressions of what be the truth.

23 Lots of homeys out there be knowin’ this, but there also be just as many mutha fuckas out there who cain’t hear for shit, who cain’t see for shit, who cain’t understand for shit, and who cain’t understand right from wrong any more than they be understandin’ that there really be no difference ‘tween night and day.

24 So, ya’ll out there who be fightin’ over who has a better bead on what is the truth, and all ya’ll who take great and dark pleasure in seedin’ and seein’ malice and discontent ‘tween the nations of men do yo self an’ everybody else a favor and shut the fuck up.

25 And if someone be spoutin’ off at the mouth about doin’ things to make the world a better place, they best be doin’ what they be talkin’ about lest they be guilty of bein’ ignorant, stupid, hypocritical mutha fuckas.

26 For blessed be those men who have the understandin’ that perfection is not doin’ somethin’ without mistake, but rather is the understandin’ and knowledge of endless possibilities.

27 Such is the pure, straight-up, unified religion of God and the Tenement Gospel.

Chapter 2

1 My brothas, it be very important that youz be understandin’ of the voracious appetite of the Gospel of Disaster, the fear it be creatin’, and the path of destruction it always leaves in its wake.

2 For those who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster don’t give a shit who they be hurtin’ with their depressing and despondent rhetoric.

3 And the priests of the Gospel of Disaster say to their homeys, See these mutha fuckas who be comin’ in our direction, into our church?

4 We shouldn’t be lettin’ these fools into our holy place. Neither shall we be givin’ them food to be eatin’ or clothing to be wearin’ or shelter to be coverin’ they heads when they be sleepin’ unless they relent and believe as we be believin’;

5 And lo! Say the men who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster, See these homeys who be dressin’ different, prayin’ different, lovin’ different, livin’ different, and belivin’ different?

6 We ain’t gonna be payin’ them no mind, and we ain’t gonna be lisnin’ to their deluded faiths and interpretations of truth and God,

7 For our God be better than their God.

8 And those who be jawin’ on about the Gospel of Disaster travel great lengths and be takin’ great measures to create and point out every belief that be different from they own,

9 These men be drawin’ numerous and unmistakable separation lines ‘tween theyselves an’ those who be believin’ different, ‘cause it be makin’ them feel better ‘bout the life of fear that they be leadin’ and the Gospel of Disaster they be preachin’.

10 And they be sayin’ to theyselves, We be the truly blessed and the truly holy ‘cause we be havin’ these differences and be doin’ these things.

11 And these mutha fuckas be dishonorin’ the absolutes of the universe when they be sayin’ and tellin’ other men to love they neighbor as theyselfs, and yet these mo’ fos do not do as they be sayin’.

12 Those who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster say all those who be believin’ different be creatin’ sin.

13 But I be sayin’ to you, homey, that those who be tryin’ to draw lines of separation ‘tween different faiths and different interpretations of God are the ones who be the sinners.

14 These fools be sayin’ that all men should be forsakin’ all other faiths and beliefs and understandin’ of God that they might be findin’ true mercy by avoidin’ judgment.

15 But I be sayin’ to you, homey, that true mercy can only be experienced by those who be possessin’ judgment that be acceptin’ of the truth and reality of all faiths.

16 And you can be takin’ my word for it, my brothas, that the spite and the hate and the seeds of separation that be carried by the Gospel of Disaster offer not one shred or iota of gain in any sense of the word.

17 For any gospel that be sayin’, Do as I be sayin’ and not as I be doin’, be a lifeless an’ dead faith.

18 And the muthas that be believin’ in no faith other than they own and no God other than they own be shudderin’ and shakin’ at the thought that there might be more truth and more faiths and more interpretations of God than the one they be peddlin’.

19 And these ding-dongs, vain mutha fuckas that they be, cain’t see that the works of their stingy and hurtful faith be fuckin’ pointless.

20 And did not Abraham be puttin’ the Gospel of Disaster in its place when he be asked to sacrifice and cut up his own spawn on an altar?

21 And Abraham be respondin’, What the fuck kind of fucked up faith asks for blood to be shed in order to be avoidin’ pain and sufferin’ and providin’ proof of a brothas faith?

22 And it be that the scriptures be true that said, And Abraham be refusin’ to murder his spawn for he be sayin’ that men be justified by an open heart and an open mind, and not by the fucked up rantings of a murderin’, hurtful faith.

23 An’ just like Abraham, the ho Rahab told the messengers to shut the fuck up, and that she would not be actin’ a fool by doin’ the biddin’ of the Gospel of Disaster.

24 For a faith that be askin’ its believers to be hurtin’, killin’, murderin’, enslaving’, an’ stealin’ be a dead faith.

Chapter 3

1 And ya’ll don’t be like those muthas who be teachin’ that everyone who don’t be believin’ as they do shall be facin’ terrible judgment.

2 For these mutha fuckas don’t be realizin’ that every brotha be stumblin’ and fuckin’ up,

3 But the way to salvation ain’t gonna be through scarin’ the b-geezes out of people by sayin’ they goan be toasted in some goddamn lake of fire if they don’t be believin’ in a certain way.

4 There be many faiths and many truths and many ways to salvation.

5 For just as there be many different vessels upon a sea, and just as the design of those vessels be varying great and small, and just as these vessels not be capable of all carryin’ the same amount of weight,

6 All of these vessels, homey, all of these vessels be capable of the same task of carrying they cargo and they people across water to dry land.

7 And woe to the brotha preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster, ‘cause there ain’t be no way he can talk hisself around the truth of this; you be makin’ no mistake, though. He will be tryin’.

8 For it be the nature of the beast of his faith to be denyin’ all other truths.

9 And you can be bettin’ the mutha fucka will be sayin’, My vessel be better for it be carryin’ more people an more cargo.

10 And, homey, as hard as you be tryin’ to tell this mutha fucka he will never be gettin’ it that you share the same goddamn sea until he be openin’ his heart and mind.

11 For such men be thick-headed an’ stupid, unwillin’ to see that no matter what the fuck good things they be sayin’ or preachin’,

12 That don’t mean a goddamn thing until they be openin’ they hearts and minds and feelin’ love and truth for all mutha fuckas everywhere to the very depths of they hearts.

13 They don’t be seein’ that the lunacy of their faith be just as nutty-hoho crazy as tryin’ to make a damn fig tree grow fuckin’ olives. Not gonna happen, homey. Not gonna happen.

14 And so many of those who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster be fillin’ they hearts with bitter jealousy, and they be tryin’ to declare some type of twisted, divine rivalry ‘tween what they believe to be truth and what everybody else be believin’.

15 They cain’t see that what they be spoutin’ off about ain’t wisdom, but it be somethin’ that be systematically trashin’ everything here on earth, be denyin’ all kinds of shit in regards to the soul, and it totally be demonizin’ every faith but they own.

16 And you know what, homey? Any place where there be people behavin’ like this you can bet there be a worthless practice behind it.

17 So, you be keepin’ it in mind, homey, that wisdom be flowin’ from an open mind and an open heart, and from that be flowin’ peace an’ mercy an’ good fruits an’ healthy faith an’ salvation through impartial judgment.

18 An’ you can be bettin’ yo buttons, homey, that the fruits of righteousness be sewn by those who be possessin’ an open mind and open heart.

Chapter 4

1 Now ya’ll be thinkin’ about why people be fightin’ over stupid shit, ‘aight?

2 Ya’ll be findin’ that fightin’ and war be comin’ from people who be tryin’ to point out differences in faith an’ all kinds of shit.

3 People clinging to the absurdity of the Gospel of Disaster be pickin’ on people of other faiths and divine beliefs. They be sayin’ that women desiring of women and men desiring of men ain’t worthy of the blessin’ of love.

4 They be sayin’ to other people, My God be better than your God, an’ before you knows it people be fightin’, murderin’, schemin’, thievin’, and they be livin’ without love and peace and any of the nice things they be wantin’.

5 People start bein’ afraid to buy nice things with the money they be workin’ hard for ‘cause the Gospel of Disaster says buyin’ nice things be denotin’ greed.

6 And people start bein’ afraid to love the one who has captured their heart ‘cause they be a woman and their love be a woman, or ‘cause they be a man and their love be a man.

7 Think about it, homey. Is a gospel that persistently be encouragin’ separation an’ always be tryin’ to point out differences be worthy of your time, or anyone’s time?

8 Be openin’ your heart, homey, openin’ it to the Tenement Gospel and be learnin’ the grace of openin’ your heart and mind. This will be servin’ to draw you closer to God and everything that be comprisin’ God.

9 Be humble an’ be knowin’ the universe be holdin’ many truths, many salvations, and be holdin’ many interpretations of God. The Tenement Gospel will free you.

10 Or, if you be of the mind to be persecutin’ others, to be debasin’ of faiths that be different from what you be believin’, to be consumed by a gospel that be preachin’ more about fear an’ hell-fire an’ damnation,

11 Then by all means, homey, you go right on ahead an’ be lettin’ the sludge of the Gospel of Disaster to fuck yo life up and to be makin’ yo life miserable, mournful, and full of weepin’ that you be findin’ hard to stop.

12 For if yo ass be doin’ as the Gospel of Disaster be tellin’ you to do, then yo ass will be bringin’ more fear and negative judgment right in yo direction, up yo driveway, an’ through yo front door,

13 And do you be knowin’ why this be the case? It be this way ‘cause you be the mutha fucka judgin’ everybody else an’ all the shit they be doin’.

14 You be plantin’ terrible little seeds of screwy judgment and terrible meanness, so what the fuck else do you be expectin’ to be comin’ yo way, brothas?

15 So, don’t be wastin’ the beauty of yo life on the anger and separation that be comin’ yo way if you be lettin’ it, an’ if you be basin’ yo life on somethin’ cruel an’ delusional.

Chapter 5

1 Now all ya’ll who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster wonder why the shit that be happnin’ to you be happnin’ to you.

2 You be sayin’ you have richness in life, but your ass be shuttin’ out people who be thinkin’ and believin’ different.

3 Some of you mutha fuckas even be shuttin’ out your own family, and some of you mutha fuckas even be shuttin’ out people who be your friends.

4 An some of you be preachin’ your shit on tee-vee and be sayin’, Ya’ll don’t be havin’ treasures and money and shit here on earth. Give it to me so I can be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster all over the world.

5 And what do you be doin’ with they hard earned money they be givin’ you?

6 You be takin’ that dough and be buyin’ shit for yourself, that’s what you be doin’.

7 You be buyin’ beautiful garments, pimp ass cars, nice ass homes, and all the shit that you be wantin’ and not tellin’ the people who be lisnin’ to you bullshit, das what you be doin’, mutha fucka.

8 You be tellin’ the folks who be lisnin’ to your jive, Don’t be storin’ up no treasures here on earth, but das exactly what your ass be doin’.

9 Tell me sumthin’, mutha fucka, do you be makin’ sure the poorest of your church be takin’ care of before you be buildin’ your crystal churches and buyin’ your tee-vee stations, huh?

10 Everybody in your church be havin’ enough food, enough decent jobs, and ‘lectricity and water in they homes?

11 Everybody in your church be havin’ decent healthcare so when they kids get sick they can be goin’ to the doctor and be gettin’ medicine?

12 Does everybody in your church be havin’ absolutely everything they be needin’ before you be givin’ shit to yourself? I wager they don’t, mutha fucka.

13 You be livin’ off the wages of folk who think they really be doin’ somethin’ that be gettin’ them a spot in some fairytale place you be callin’ a special kind a heaven, a place where only people who be thinkin’ and believin’ like you be going.

14 That be the kind of shit that people who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster be doin’.

15 So all ya’ll out there in the world who be wantin’ to make things better, you be doin’ well to remember that the Gospel of Disaster and its brand of mayhem ain’t be what this world be needin’.

16 And if you be wantin’ to make things better than they been, get your ass up and be opening’ your heart and mind.

17 Don’t be complanin’ about each other anymore cause that shit don’t be fixin’ nothin’, you dig?

18 And don’t be half-assin’ or tryin’ to half-ass the way you be openin’ your heart and your mind,

19 ‘Cause you know what, mutha fucka, it be just like them prophets be sayin’ a way fuckin’ long time ago when they be jawin’, If you be decidin’ to open you heart and your mind then you be doin’ so all the way,

20 For there ain’t be no halfway openin’ of your heart or your mind, you dig?

21 Your heart an’ your mind be open all the way or they be not open at all, mutha fucka. For it also be writ a long ass time ago that a thing or a person or a heart or a mind be all or nothin’ of somethin’, you dig?

22 All of these things either be or not be, either can or cain’t, either will or won’t, either are or aren’t.

23 So, homey, you be lisnin’ up and be livin’ your life in complete abandon of the Gospel of Disaster, and in complete embrace of the Tenement Gospel and all that be God in this world and this universe and this eternity of all that be.

24 And if you be feelin’ love in your heart then you best be showin’ it. And if you be feeling forgiveness in your heart you best be givin’ it.

25 And if you be knowin’ that forgiveness be needed then you give it without pickin’ and choosin’ who be gettin’ it. And if you be knowin’ that love be needed you best be givin’ it to whoever be receivin’ it whether or not they be a man or they be a woman.

26 And don’t be confessin’ your sin to each other and be stoppin’ there, homey. That be some stupid shit.

27 But you also be correctin’ your sin by puttin’ love and joy and peace and harmony into everythin’ you be doin, you dig?

28 And you also be prayin’ for the blessin’ of every man, homey, no matter how he be thinkin’ or believin’.

29 And all ya’ll don’t be forgettin’ that there be great truth and love and joy and miracles in this world, this universe, and this eternity.

30 And don’t be latchin’ onto the Gospel of Disaster that be teachin’ people there only be one way to believe,

31 For  there ain’t be no greater sin than to ignore the everlastin’ truth that all paths lead to God.

The Book of I Pete

Chapter 1

1 Yo, dog! I be Pete, a studier an’ teacher of the Tenement Gospel, and I be here talkin’ about and layin’ some groundwork of the Tenement Gospel.

2 Now let there be many a blessin’ on the vastness of God and truth, and all understandin’ to be searchin’ salvations.

3 For it be through the Tenement Gospel that we be learnin’ that we all be livin’ eternally, each life we be livin’ drawin’ us closer and deeper into the joy of the Tenement Gospel and the love it be teachin’ us is all around us and in us.

4 And once you be opening’ your heart and mind and inheritin’ the truth of all that is God there ain’t no goin’ back.

5 Be rememberin’ the real truth of God and all that be makin’ up God, but don’t be holdin’ such truth only to yourselfs, but be showin’ it to everyone for we all be in salvations anyways.

6 And though the trial that be caused by those wallowin’ in the Gospel of Disaster can be some fucked-up shit at times, don’t let this be makin’ you have a sorrowful heart.

7 For those muthas of the Gospel of Disaster don’t be realizing’ that faith don’t be needed to be proven any more than a person be needin’ to be provin’ that they be breathin’ air.

8 The muthas who be behavin’ like this cain’t see the love and the joy that be natural within’ theyselfs. Because of this they don’t be understandin’ that they be puttin’ theyselfs into voluntary spiritual exile.

9 It be by the twisted, obtusely critical virtues of the Gospel of Disaster that some brothas be findin’ answers to they questions of God unanswered an’ criticized.

10 When you be considerin’ the gifts of salvations ya’ll just better be keeping’ in mind that there are prophets who be yakin’ that salvation only be for set groups of muthas and brothas.

11 They will be crazily adamant that if you be worshippin’ with them, well then that be makin’ you able to get yourselfs some salvation.

12 But these same mutha fuckas be tryin’ to keep salvation away from brothas who don’t follow a fellowship of their likin’, who don’t be yakin’ the Gospel of Disaster, and even those who don’t be worshippin’ God in the first place.

13 But the best thing ya’ll can be doin’ is to open the hope that be in your heart with the Tenement Gospel.

14 As people who be havin’ workin’ brains ya’ll don’t be dragged down by the lunacy of the Gospel of Disaster.

15 But ya’ll be livin’ accordin’ to the endless truths an’ endless love that naturally be in you and of you and for you.

16 And this be the truth, foh-shizzle, that you be holy, my brotha. Just like I be holy. We all be holy, my brotha, because God be in all of us and God be bein’ the ultimate holy, ‘aight?

17 And no matter where you be goin’ or what you be doin’ ya’ll best be rememberin’ that you never be travelin’ alone.

18 For if you be rememberin’ that God be in you then you shall never be travelin’ in fear, and you shall never be workin’ alone, an’ if you be havin’ any sorrow it shall be turned into joy, for the love that be God be in you and for you and of you.

19 Ya’ll need to be knowin’ that by openin’ your heart and your mind that you be redeemed by the love of God that be in you.

20 And youz should never be forgettin’ that ya’lls cain’t be redeemed by any one faith, or any one interpretation of God, or by insidious words of the Gospel of Disaster.

21 And no matter how much those who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster may be claimin’ they don’t be knowin’ the foundations of this world, and they sure as fuck don’t be knowin’ what be happnin’ in the future,

22 What I can be telling’ ya’lls is the future sho’ ain’t gonna be some big-assed, fangdangled judgment where God be throwin’ masses of people into a lake that be made up of fire all ‘cause they don’t be believin’ in the Gospel of Disaster.

23 The Gospel of Disaster be sayin’ that it be incorruptible, but this ain’t the case, homey, ‘cause this terrible gospel be used by all kinds of people to separate, divide, and destroy.

24 And for those that be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster, well homey, they ass be grass ‘cause they ain’t ever goin’ be seein’ the glory of everthin’ around them ‘cause they asses of grass be withered an’ shit.

25 But, in the end it really don’t be matterin’ what the hell ding-dongs who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster have to say about anythin’, ‘cause the words of God and all this is God be goin’ on forever, ‘aight?

Chapter 2

1 Now ya’ll who be bitchin’ and moanin’ about the different faiths in God that people be havin’ need to be droppin’ that shit. The religious card is well beyond overplayed, ya’ll. I grow weary of hearin’ dat shit.

2 Ya’ll be bickerin’ about how to be believin’ in God like you was a couple of friggin’ babies arguin’ over a bottle of milk.

3 Part of the problem be that some of ya’ll crazy muthas out there be gettin’ to love the taste of God in the grips of religious superiority.

4 You say you be havin’ a livin’ stone and be God’s chosen an’ held high in his honor.

5 But ya’ll don’t be seein’ that you be the ones who be like stones, stones in ya’lls heads. Ya’ll be regularly behavin’ like youz be dumber than a box of rocks.

6 What be makin’ things worse be the fact that when a whole bunch of ya’ll rock heads be gettin’ together you be thinkin’ you be buildin’ spiritual houses, churches, priesthood, an’ religious sacrifices that be pleasin’ to God.

7 But you stupid muthas don’t be seein’ that God don’t be wantin’ any of these damn things.

8 And those people who be wise be understandin’ that if a stone be a stumblin’ block to the builders, then the builders be throwin’ out the offendin’ stones.

9 There be those muthas of the Gospel of Disaster who be sayin’ they be a chosen race, royal priests designated by God, a people in possession of a holy nation that be possessin’ the only light in a universe of darkness.

10 Well, I be telling’ you what. These muthas be soundin’ exactly like the friggin’ Nazis and they dumb ass spin on God makin’ them a master race, an’ shit.

11 Now I be beggin’ everybody, ‘aight, that ya’ll stop youz stupid fightin’ over whose version of God an’ religion be the right one.

12 If ya’ll could get to the point of stoppin’ youz stupid fightin’ over God ya’ll would be havin’ a most excellent manner of life.

13 But ya’ll be speakin’ against each other, callin’ each others’ worshippin’ practices evil an’ crappin’ on each others’ good works, sayin’ God won’t be givin’ no damn care about them in his day of visitation.

14 But I say all you muthas be on crack, you dig? ‘Cause God don’t need to be doin’ no visitin’ of a place where he already be, am I catchin’ you on the five-by, homey?

15 And ya’ll need to be workin’ harder at doin’ more good works and improvin’ your societies and gub’ments, for to be improvin’ yo self and all the things that be around you, well homey, then you be doin’ the will of God.

16 Ya’ll don’t be understandin’ that youz don’t need to be makin’ all ya’lls self prisoners and slaves of ya’lls faith. There ain’t no truth in that shit, neither be there any love or peace or hope in it.

17 Ya’ll need to be honorin’ each other and also honorin’ the different beliefs ya’ll be havin’. Ya’ll need to be showin’ each other love an’ respect.

18 Ya’ll don’t be needin’ to be treatin’ each other shabbily just ‘cause you not be likin’ different truths and interpretations of God. Stop treatin’ each other badly just ‘cause you be fearin’ different interpretations of reality.

19 An’ if you be workin’ for someone who be treatin’ you bad an’ shit, or they be askin’ you to be doin’ shit that you know be wrong, then don’t be subjectin’ youzselfs to dat shit. Don’t be standin’ for dat crapola.

20 For part of what grace be is the courage to be standin’ up for what be right even if you be scared of what some psycho muthas out there in the world might be doin’ when you be telling’ them to take they job and shove it.

21 And ya’ll be rememberin’ that youz don’t need to be puttin’ youzselfs in positions where you be sufferin’ for one reason or ‘nother.

22 An’ it don’t be matterin’ what the fuck the hobos of the Gospel of Disaster be sayin’ when they say dat sufferin’ be good an’ be buildin’ endurance to find God and the grace of God,

23 ‘Cause talk like this don’t be makin’ no sense no how, you dig?

24 An’ a gospel that be teachin’ sufferin’ as part of they core dogma be havin’ some serious problems anyway. I still don’t be understandin’ why people be believing’ in crazy shit like dat.

25 Now some folk be sayin’ that just ‘cause Jesus be sufferin’ when he be here that people should also be sufferin’ when they here, but that crazy gumbo don’t be makin’ the proper connections now, do it?

26 That shit make just about as much sense as cookin’ the microwave in the burrito instead of the other way around, ‘aight? The only reason Jesus be sufferin’ when he be here was because people around him be doin’ it to him.

27 Ya’ll seriously think that Jesus wanted that shit to happin’ to him, or that God made Jesus be goin’ through all dat on purpose? And these muthas be sayin’ they God be a lovin’ God,

28 Shee-it! He be soundin’ like one of those fuckas who fall in the category of, With friends like these, who be needin’ enemies?

29 All those who be following’ the Gospel of Disaster be like sheep bein’ led astray.

Chapter 3

1 There be portions of the Gospel of Disaster that be sayin’ that husbands have power over they wives, an’ so wives should be submittin’ to they hubbys even if the muthas be doin’ shit that be wrong.

2 I tell you right now this be some crazy shit that you don’t need to be followin’, ‘aight? Ya’ll don’t be submittin’ to nothin’ save for what you know to be right.

3 And in a relationship ‘tween two people they both gots to be doin’ what be right, and neither of them be better than the other, you dig? An’ if one be doin’ wrong the other better be doin’ everything possible to change that.

4 And don’t nobody in any kind o’ relationship need to be livin’ in fear of they partner.

5 And no matter what the craziness of the Gospel of Disaster be sayin’ it be perfectly fine for a woman to be doin’ whatever she can to be makin’ herself to be lookin’ pretty and to be takin’ good care of herself.

6 ‘Cause everybody be knowin’ that when a person be feelin’ good about themselves they be doin’ better at everything else in they life, you dig?

7 And a wife need to be rememberin’ that when she be good to her man and be takin’ care of him in every manner possible that her man be lovin’ her forever, and be wantin’ to do everything possible for his wife.

8 And the same be goin’ for relationships that be ‘tween two women or two men. And while people in any community ought to be respectin’ and carin’ for each other, this be even more so for people in personal relationships.

9 For people in a relationship be sharin’ all they strengths, all they weaknesses, all they triumphs, all they failings, an’ all they redemptions.

10 Those who be desirin’ to love who be stealin’ they hearts should be committed to the one who they be lovin’, forgivin’ of the one they be lovin’, and understandin’ of the one they be lovin’.

11 Ya’ll be knowin’ that everybody be havin’ bad and crappy moments an’ sit-gee-ations in they day that can be havin’ a big effect on how people in a relationship be treatin’ each other,

12 But youz gots to remember that even though somebody in a relationship be havin’ a bad day an’ be behavin’ funky, that don’t be meanin’ that the relationship be over.

13 An’ this be where youz be needin’ to be forgivin’ and havin’ compassion in a personal relationship, an’ this be how a relationship be lasting’ and withstandin’ the tests that time be throwin’ in ya’lls direction.

14 Ya’ll gots to be realizin’ that in a personal relationship each of ya’lls be a vessel to the other, and ya’ll need to be fillin’ each other up with love and joy and compassion.

15 And ya’ll be doin’ everything youz can be doin’ to be forgivin’ and kind and considerate to your love, that way they be a less chance you be sayin’ some crazy shit that either be hard to fix, or irrevocable altogether.

16 Don’t be lettin’ your heart become angry and dark, fillin’ your head with all sorts of temptations to be sayin’ snappy, naggin’, sassy words. Doin’ that sort of shit don’t be makin’ no goddamn sense whatsoever, ‘aight? Plus it be makin’ you an asshole.

17 Now I must tell you, brothas, what be goin’ down when the persuaders of the Gospel of Disaster be pickin’ on you for not believin’ in what is God the way they be doin’, and even persecutin’ you for choosin’ to not be believin’ in any God at all.

18 Some of these suckers be some whacked-out, jack wagon zealots who don’t be givin’ no damn about what others be believin’, or who they be hurtin’ in the process of them tryin’ to spread they pestilence of the Gospel of Disaster.

19 But no matter what they say ‘bout you bein’ set to go straight to hell, don’t you for one minute be believin’ that happy crappy-doo.

20 And no matter what these muthas be sayin’ about your faith bein’ wrong, about your understandin’ of God bein’ wrong, or about your understandin’ of the vastness of love bein’ wrong,

21 These muthas cannot be makin’ this so, even though they be tryin’ like hell to convince youz otherwise.

22 And ya’ll gots to be strong and don’t be behavin’ like those muthas who be persecutin’ you be doin’.

23 While ya’ll be understandin’ the openness of the Tenement Gospel and that there be no need for long sufferin’, the members of the Gospel of Disaster don’t be understandin’ this,

24 And they be believin’ that in order to show they faith, in order to earn their version of salvation they gots to be sufferin’ all kinds of crazy crackerjack.

25 What these suckas don’t be realizin’ is they be hypocrites, ‘cause first they be tellin’ people they cain’t be saved by good works,

26 Then the same mo’ fos’ who be sayin’ this be doin’ what they can to be injectin’ as much sufferin’ into their lives as possible, they be literally workin’ in order to be acquirin’ sufferin’,

27 Now, homey, you be tellin’ me that what these muthas be doin’ ain’t exactly the opposite of what they be tellin’ people to not be doin’, and you be tellin’ me this with a straight face.

28 You cain’t, can you? Why? ‘Cause that shit just don’t be addin’ up no way, no how. They be tryin’ to save they asses by workin’ for sufferin’. What a buncha’ double-speakin’, wheelin’ and dealin’ beanbags.

Chapter 4

1 Now since Jesus be sufferin’ for the salvation of mankind, ‘cordin’ to the Gospel of Disaster, stewards of this fairy dust faith be thinkin’ they must be sufferin’ like Jesus did.

2 What they don’t be thinkin’ is that reg’lar people be baggin’ and harassin’

Jesus. Jesus’ sufferin’ be at the hands of regular people and not by the twisted hand of they God.

3 This bein’ the case, why the fuck would any brotha be wantin’ to carry on what be a horrible tradition of hate, belief segregation, and purposeful derisions?

4 These ninnies be celebratin’ the wrong damn thing, you dig?

5 What they should be celebratin’ is the message that Jesus be tryin’ to teach people, not the terrible sufferin’ he experienced at the wretched hands of those fools who be afraid of what he really be teachin’.

6 It be as if those who be believin’ in the Gospel of Disaster be thinkin’ they can validate what be happnin’ to Jesus, that way it be lookin’ like what be happnin’ to him be on purpose, somethin’ part of a grand plan to save everyone.

7 So, I be askin’ you brothas and muthas everywhere how that be makin’ any damn sense? If they version of God be thinkin’ man be needin’ salvation cause of his wicked ways and terrible treatment of theyselfs and others,

8 How the hell he be validatin’ tryin’ to fix all the terrible things with shit that be just as terrible? There be zero intellect in that line of reasonin’.

9 Not to be mentionin’, the Gospel of Disaster be sayin’ that God be love. This bein’ the case, he never would be doin’ shit the way they be describin’ it.

10 When ya’ll be pointin’ this out to them they be sayin’ crazy shit about God simply usin’ tough love. Ain’t that some screwy crackerjack? These suckas always be havin’ some sort of twisted answer to every question.

11 The Gospel of Disaster be tellin’ brothas that the end of the world be near and everybody be needin’ to be doin’ somethin’ to save they asses. They be sayin’ to live and pray and believe as they do so ya’lls can be savin’ your ass too.

12 But a faith that be based on fear ain’t be worthy of anybody’s devotion. And these stupid muthas don’t be seein’ that they ideology and basic slogan of, ‘Believe like us or roast in hell,’ be the same as tryin’ to base faith on fear.

13 An’ jes like the science of the stars cain’t be based on the science that be of a chef in a kitchen, neither can any real faith be based on fear.

14 And the idea that God be bringin’ bad trials and tribulations to everybody just so he can be seein’ who will crack and who won’t, well that be some particularly stupid soundin’, non-sensical shit.

15 So, if we all be childrens of God, an’ foh-shizzle we are, and if he be our father, foh-shizzle he is, then none of the bullshit crappy-doo that the Gospel of Disaster be preachin’ be even close to the truth,

16 For a bein’ who be a good parent ain’t never be doin’ such horrible, stupid shit to they kids, ever.

17 And ya’ll who don’t be believin’ in the Gospel of Disaster don’t be afraid to be standin’ up for yourselfs when you be gettin’ harassed for not believin’ the way other people be wantin’ you to believe.

18 But, to ya’ll who really be thinkin’ that Jesus really did intend for his teachins’ to be interpreted the way the Gospel of Disaster does, an’ ya’lls knuckle-heads who be thinkin’ youz gots to be showin’ sufferin’ in ya’lls lives in order to be saved,

19 Knock ya’lls asses out.

Chapter 5

1 Now all ya’ll older people out there who be knowin’ better I want youz to be doin’ the best that you can be doin’ to be helpin’ people who be prisoners of the sufferin’ of the Gospel of Disaster.

2 Ya’ll be bein’ a shepherd to the flock of children of the Gospel of Disaster, ‘cause just like sheep they don’t be knowin’ any better.

3 And just like sheep the crazy muthas be gettin’ theyselfs into even crazier shit.

4 And as each prisoner be released from the Gospel of Disaster they all be finally understandin’ the manifestation of what be God within theyselfs, and in doin’ so they shall be findin’ they crown of glory.

5 And ya’ll be girdin’ yo selfs with behaviors and faiths that don’t be humiliatin’ you, ‘cause these be gospels of the spiritually inept.

6 Don’t be like those who be followin’ the Gospel of Disaster who be scarin’ theyselfs and other people with their depressin’ prophecies of the fate of muthas and brothas everywhere.

7 For if you be allowin’ they fear to be gettin’ to youz you gonna be stressin’ all the time, forever wonderin’ if each day that you be livin’ be the day that the God of the Gospel of Disaster be pullin’ the switch.

8 And it be sayin’ by some other folks that everybody need to be lookin’ out for the Devil ‘cause he be lollygaggin’ about town, roarin’ like some rabies driven lion, purposely lookin’ for somebody to be destroyin’.

9 Well I be sayin’ to youz that particular story be a snazzy-assed way that followers of the Gospel of Disaster be tryin’ to blame the stupid shit they be doin’ on somebody other than theyselfs.

10 Brothas and muthas who be believin’ in the Tenement Gospel best be standin’ firm, and they should be knowin’ that they be havin’ nothin’ to fear about the crazy flip pity-flap of the Gospel of Disaster.

11 For while the Gospel of Disaster be teachin’ salvation and redemption through sufferin’ as Jesus be sufferin’, those of the Tenement Gospel need not fear for they be knowin’ in they hearts that life an’ existence be meant to lived without sufferin’.

12 And those of the Tenement Gospel be understandin’ that the supposed sufferin’ of the believers who be believin’ the Gospel of Disaster has absolutely zilch to be doin’ with bein’ tested by God,

13 But it be havin’ everything to be doin’ with these ring-dings bringin’ that shit on theyselfs.

14 Ya’ll be rememberin’ that everythin’ that is God be full of grace.

15 I be writin’ this letter to youz so that you be understandin’ the excellent testimony of the Tenement Gospel and the truths that be all of what God be bein’ and of salvations for all muthas and brothas.

16 Now ya’ll be bein’ good to each other and be lookin’ out for each other.

17 The graces that be God and all of God’s salvations be with all ya’ll muthas and brothas. Tell my grandma I be sayin’, Howdy. Peace out.

The Book of II Pete

Chapter 1

1 Pete Simon, a slave and pushover to those preachin’ disaster, a bipolar mutha who be thinkin’ that apostate and apostle be meanin’ the shame shit,

2 Escapee of the Righteousness Asylum for the Spiritually Insane, and half brother to the self-proclaimed Lamb of God David Koresh,

3 This be the letter that be written by me, Pete Simon’s brotha, Simon Pete.

4 May all the blessin’ that be comin’ from the expansive God of the Tenement Gospel be with all ya’ll. And before I be forgettin’, I wanna be apologizin’ to the people my idiot brotha Pete Simon been harassin’ with his crazy version of God and salvation.

5 Please try to be understandin’ that Pete Simon be zealously insane and really don’t be knowin’ any better, you dig? So, if he be tryin’ to start botherin’ youz again simply ignore his judgmental and remedial ass.

6 Movin’ on, I am goin’ to be telling’ ya’ll about the power that be in us all, you dig? See, God and all that is God and for God and to God and in God be very powerful.

7 And if you be takin’ the knowledge of what this power be you will be havin’ the reigns of yo life firmly in ya’lls hand, for good.

8 Now the Gospel of Disaster be makin’ grand promises to people, sayin’ that if people be believin’ the Gospel of Disaster they can be avoidin’ corruption and severe judgment from God.

9 This be why I be tellin’ ya’ll that it be important that ya’ll don’t be misled by a delusional doctrine of disaster that people be tryin’ to pass off as truth and salvation.

10 For the faith of the Gospel of Disaster be tryin’ to convince anyone who be willin’ to hear that theys should be ignorin’ that which be holy and already existin’ within them.

11 And this same Gospel of Disaster be promisin’ many riches and pleasures in eternity right along side of Jesus if youz only cast all ya’lls other beliefs out the friggin’ window and start followin’ they brand of spiritual suicide.

12 Now those who be believin’ in the Gospel of Disaster be sayin’ that theys always gots to be remindin’ theyselfs of their gospel, they salvation, and they sufferin’.

13 But they who be followin’ the Tenement Gospel don’t ever be needed to be reminded ‘cause once the Tenement Gospel be revealed to a brotha they ain’t be no goin’ back.

14 And while the Gospel of Disaster be sayin’ that the Tenement Gospel be nothin’ more than a myth that be placin’ false powers an’ salvations in people, that don’t be makin’ it true.

15 The Gospel of Disaster be claimin’ that they be given prophecies and that those prophecies be sayin’ that they brand of condemnin’ faith be the correct and only truth.

16 That the sit-gee-ations that be happnin’ in the world around them may be fittin’ they prophecies, they be takin’ these sit-gee-ations and stretchin’ the fuck outta’ them ‘till they be fittin’ they prophecies and not one shred of truth be remainin’.

17 And the prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster drown in they own fear as they be tryin’ to prepare for some big ass cataclysm that they be hopin’ to avoid by believing’ the way that they be doin’.

18 They be ignorin’ the fact that they prophecies be comin’ from the devious minds of men who be claimin’ that they be gettin’ the info from God or be gettin’ the info from religious texts.

19 But ya’ll be knowin’ that the excellence of God that be in this universe and in every person don’t be goin’ around’ makin’ crazy, hopeless, pointless, despondent prophecies.

20 That be the truth, my brotha. Foh-shizzle.

Chapter 2

1 Ya’lls need to be knowin’ about the false prophets that be around you since they be doin’ everythin’ they can be doin’ to be destroyin’ all other faiths.

2 And it be through they cunnin’ use of fear that they be takin’ control of people,

3 Because they be covetin’ the control people be havin’ over they own lives.

4 So, the muthas that be flap-jackin’ the Gospel of Disaster be comin’ up with novel stories to be tellin’ people so that they can be scarin’ the beejesus out of people an’ convincin’ them to be joinin’ they ramshackle faith.

5 They be sayin’ that God be a lovin’ God who didn’t be sparin’ angels who be sinnin’ and instead be sendin’ them to some half-assed rehab clinic in Tartarus where they supposed to be waitin’ for they day of judgment, or some shit.

6 They be sayin’ that God be a lovin’ God who didn’t be sparin’ nobody but eight people an’ a whole buncha animals and shit when the great floods be destroyin’ earth at the time of Noah.

7 Eight people be saved out of the entire world of people. Do that be soundin’ like a lovin’ God to you?

8 And they be sayin’ that they God is a lovin’ God who be completely tearin’ up the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah,

9 Nukein’ the asses of the folks of them two cities ‘cause they be homos an’ lesbos, and ‘cause he be wantin’ to make they asses an example for otha peoples to be seein’ and to be havin’ fear struck in they hearts.

10 Do that be soundin’ like a lovin’ God? A God that be wipe-in’ two entire cities of’n the face o’ the earth jes to teach or try to be teachin’ other people a lesson…so they be getting’ scared an’ be joinin’ they crackpot Gospel of Disaster?

11 This be how they lovin’ God be helpin’ people and be spreadin’ the message of his gospel, ‘aight? This lovin’ God that be destroyin’ everybody who be believin’ different, actin’ different, and lovin’ different. How very nice.

12 This sho’ as fuck don’t be soundin’ like no God I want to be knowin’.

13 And they be sayin’ that they lovin’ God be rescuin’ his people out the hands of the unrighteous, an’ outta tribulations and trials. Ya’ll wanna be knowin’ how he be doin’ this?

14 Well, I be tellin’ youz and then ya’ll be knowin’ that he ain’t be as lovin’ as them followers of the Gospel of Disaster be sayin’.

15 So, ya’ll wanna know how he be rescuing’ them, so here it go: his version of rescuin’ them be to kill and destroy anybody who be seemin’ like they be a threat.

16 He be nukin’ Sodom and Gomorrah, he be floodin’ the entire earth (‘cordin’ to they who be believin’ that shit, that is), he be makin’ the ground open up an’ be swallowin’ folks,

17 He be sendin’ infestations of critters that be nasty, he be takin’ away the light of day, he be sendin’ foul diseases that be chewin’ everybody up (alls people but his own, ‘aight?),

18 He be sendin’ swarms of bugs to be eatin’ entire crops so that people be starvin’, he be strikin’ peoples blind, he be fuckin’ with they drinkin’ water, he be killin’ they livestocks,

19 He be purposely jackin’-up the reproductive systems of peoples so they cain’t be havin’ no childrens, he be makin’ people be losin’ they way in the desert and they be gettin’ lost an’ shit,

20 He be lettin’ people be sellin’ other peoples into slavery, he be commandin’ those in his armies to be killin’ every last person that be in cities and villages and towns that be getting’ conquered (he even be tellin’ them to be killin’ all the animals),

21 He be sendin’ sandstorms that be wipin’ cities of’n maps, he be drownin’ entire armies, he be sendin’ mega-quakes to be destroyin’ towns like the San Francisco quake in 1906 be doin’,

22 He be tellin’ people to be assassinatin’ leaders, he be tellin’ his peoples to be marchin’ into a place and takin’ lands that ain’t even be theirs in the first damn place, an’ he even be killin’ peoples’ kids just to be sendin’ a message an’ freein’ his peoples.

23 Now, that don’t be soundin’ like no damn lovin’ God, ‘aight?

24 I be thinkin’ that if’n this God of the Gospel of Disaster be so damn lovin’ that he not only he helpin’ the folks gettin’ persecuted, be he also be helpin’ the folks who be doin’ the presecutin’,

25 ‘Cause part of what lovin’ be is to be settin’ things straight an’ helpin’ the people who be makin’ the fucked up decisions that be fuckin’ things up for everyone, to help them to stop doin’ they crazy shit that they be doin’.

26 And if somebody be preachin’ crazy shinola that be soundin’ like this mentally disconnected shit then you can be puttin’ good money on it that they be false prophets that be tryin’ to scare your ass into believin’ what they be believin’.

27 And these crazy muthas be without reason, for no matter how hard ya’lls be tryin’ to tell them how things really be these fuckas just don’t be lisnin’.

28 They be claimin’ that ya’lls attempts to be pointin’ out the truth to them be proof that you be evil an’ against God.

29 They be claimin’ that every time somethin’ bad be happnin’ to they enemies or the people they don’t be likin’ that it was they so-called lovin’ God who be makin’ that shit be happnin’.

30 And the eyes of they heart be fillin’ with ridiculous pride an’ a false sense o’ vic’try. What be worse be the fact that they be rejoicin’ at the pain an’ sufferin’ of others who they be considerin’ to be heathen, pagan, against they God, and eternally damned.

31 For they be sayin’ that ya’ll shalt not be fornicatin’, but they hearts be filled with adultery.

32 And they be sayin’ that ya’ll shalt not be covetin’, but they be wantin’ what be belongin’ to another brotha or another mutha.

33 And they be sayin’ to not be storin’ up treasures on this earth, but so many be livin’ in luxury while they brethren who be tendin’ to the same place of worship be sufferin’ hunger an’ want.

34 And they be sayin’ that all who don’t be believin’ as they do be sinnin’, but they be givin’ in to they lusts of they hearts.

35 And they be sayin’ all brothas and muthas who don’t be believin’ as they do be false prophets or be tricked by false prophets or be weak an’ givin’ in to false prophets,

36 But they be executors of a supposed faith that be nothin’ but absurdity that be driven by fear, hateful semantics, half-assed truths, an’ sometimes outright lies,

37 For they be failin’ to be embracin’ and teachin’ what be the absolute truths of hope, love, faith, joy, spiritual expression, eternity, an’ real redemptions an’ salvations.

38 And these mutha fuckas be like this ‘cause they cain’t be helpin’ but to concede to they dark desire for control that be fillin’ they hearts.

Chapter 3

1 My brothas, I also be writin’ this letter to be stirrin’ up ya’lls common sense and to be remindin’ youz of the words of Jesus and the Tenement Gospel.

2 Ya’lls be takin’ the words of the Tenement Gospel and be plantin’ them in ya’lls hearts so that you be knowin’ of the few laws of the universe that be absolutes,

3 The greatest of these absolutes be bein’ the commandment to be knowin’ love.

4 And though they shall be crazy days where they stewards of the Gospel of Disaster be mockin’ ya’ll and youz understandin’ of what God is,

5 Don’t y’all be forgettin’ another commandment of all that God be that be sayin’ for you to be livin’ to love, and lovin’ to live.

6 And when a prisoner of the Gospel of Disaster be approachin’ youz so shall you be embracin’ them, for it ain’t be they fault that they hearts be asleep of the truth.

7 When this be happnin’ ya’lls be showin’ them the Tenement Gospel and be openin’ they eyes of they hearts and minds.

8 And ya’ll be knowin’ that in that day that youz be telling’ them of the Tenement Gospel, they eyes shall be openin’ and they hearts and minds shall be awakin’, never again to be closin’ and never again to be sleepin’.

9 Ya’lls don’t need to be fearin’ the destructin’ floods that be created by the Gospel of Disaster, for what be the warmth an’ the sun of the Tenement Gospel will be dryin’ those waters.

10 The Gospel of Disaster be sayin’ that there be this big ass judgment day that be seein’ the roastin’ and destruction of the ungodly in a great fire.

11 And lo! They be misinterpretin’ they words of they own bible,

12 For each man be havin’ a day of judgment when he be changin’ the ways he been thinkin’, and he be destroyin’ his old ways of thinkin’ and livin’ by fire, sure,

13 But that fire be the fire of his soul, what be the element of the South. That fire ain’t be no damn actual fire that be sendin’ every brotha who don’t be believin’ in the Gospel of Disaster to some big damn weenie roast, shee-it.

14 And not all men be bein’ judged on the same goddamn day, homey,

15 ‘Cause each brotha be comin’ to what be his understandin’ of truth and the Tenement Gospel in what be his own time ‘cordin to what be the willingness of his heart and mind to be fully openin’.

16 And those who be sick with the disease of the Gospel of Disaster be tryin’ to scare the shit outta people and be sayin’ that God be by any minute to be collectin’ dues from everybody, for what be a long ass time for people be a few seconds to God.

17 Desperate to be savin’ they asses they be scramblin’ around, tryin’ to be gatherin’ kudos for heavin’ by makin’ theyselfs suffer and drivin’ damn near everybody else out they damn minds with all they whacked out ecclesiastical condemnations an’ practices.

18 And there be crazy muthas who be sayin’ that the Lord be a thief comin’ in the dead of night to be takin’ everything that be yours includin’ youz best clothes an’ good china,

19 But all this hocus-pocus be big time contrary to they own words of they own God,

20 For they be claimin’ that God be in control of everythin’ and that everythin’ be belongin’ to him and by him and for him and because of him. This bein’ the case his ass ain’t comin’ like a thief in the goddamn night ‘cause everythin’ be his already,

21 And if everything be his already he cain’t be comin’ like a thief in the friggin’ night ‘cause everythin’ be his and he cain’t be fuckin’ stealin’ from hisself, you dig?

22 But that crazy crackerjack ain’t be the least of it, ‘aight? ‘Cause bein’ a thief be meanin’ there be an element of surprise, you dig? It be meanin’ that some mutha fuckas be where they ain’t supposed to be.

23 An’ if’n God be everywhere at all times, omniscient and all that crappy-doo, then him bein’ like a damn thief in the friggin’ night ain’t fuckin’ possible ‘cause a thief ain’t be surprisin’ no fuckin’ body if he already be where he goin’ be stealin’ from.

24 And if’n God be everywhere, foh-shizzle he is, he cain’t be bein’ no damn thief in the night ‘cause he cain’t be sneakin’ up on hisself, you dig? Everybody be knowin’ that only Chuck Norris can be doin’ that shit.

25 These things be bein’ hard for suckas of the Gospel of Disaster to be understandin’, for they own twisted scriptures be keepin’ them from learnin’ and be makin’ they own spirits unstable in love.

26 So, my brothas, may all that be great and all that be grand and all that be glorious in what be this most excellent reality of eternity be findin’ its way to youz.

27 Ya’lls be livin’ to love and lovin’ to live. Hasta la vista, homey.

The Book of I J-Dog

Chapter 1

1 All ya’ll homeys be gatherin’ around ‘cause I gonna’ be discussin’ all the things that we be seein’, all the things that we be holdin’, and we also goin’ to be discussin’ the words that God be sayin’ in some form of faith or other, ‘aight?

2 The lives we all be livin’ be eternal and be meant to be lived with great enjoyment, all the good things we be wantin’ manifestin’ by the will of our hearts tellin’ the universe what we be wantin’.

3 And when we be sittin’ around and jawin’ on about God and everything that is God, well, then by definition we all be fellowshippin’.

4 Now you best be knowin’ that I be writin’ this here so that ya’ll can be thinkin’ and lookin’ back on these words and can be findin’ joy.

5 Ya’ll have heard that there be those people who be peddlin’ the Gospel of Disaster, and they be sayin’ that they be believin’ that God is light and in him there be no darkness at.

6 But they don’t be seein’ that they be right in the middle of a great darkness that be created by what they think is one God, one expression of God, one faith of God, one truth of God, and one way to God.

7 For these muthas not be seein’ that to be surrounded by the immense and shadowless light of God be admittin’ and acknowledgin’ that there be many paths and truths in salvations and faiths.

8 If ya’ll muthas’ out there don’t be seein’ this then youz ain’t practicin’ faith and youz ain’t speakin’ truth.

9 Ya’ll listen and know that walkin’ in the light be meanin’ that you ain’t baggin’ on another brotha and his understandin’ of God, you dig?

10 If muthas’ be sayin’ to theyselfs and be deceivin’ theyselfs with the stupid ass idea that the truth of all that be God not be in us,

11 If they be sayin’, We be confessin’ our sins in this one faith and we be believin’ this one lighted truth about God, and we be believin’ this one special way and we be forgivin’ of all the shit we be doin’, we be saved and righteous,

12 If muthas’ be talking like this then they have sinned, you dig? They not be seein’ the truth of all that is God within theyselfs.

Chapter 2

1 Now, my homeys, ya’ll be lisnin’ to what I be writin’ here when I say that there ain’t be one mutha out there who be sinnin’ and be gettin’ away with that shit just because he be believin’ in the Gospel of Disaster.

2 For ya’ll best be knowin’ that all beings of this day, of this planet, of this reality, of this dimension, of this eternity be havin’ the ultimate advocate in God, ‘aight? So it don’t be matterin’ who your ass be or what you be believin’ in,

3 ‘Cause the God of all truths and faiths be right there pickin’ you up no matter who you be or what you been doin’.

4 And all you muthas out there who been spoutin’ off that the forgiveness of God be for the whole world, and then you be addin’ the small print that be sayin’ forgiveness only be concernin’ those who be believing’ in the Gospel of Disaster,

5 Ya’ll be a bunch of stupid, stingy muthas. You be sayin’ that you be knowin’ God and keepin’ his commandments, but ya’ll be lyin’ for there ain’t be no truth to anything you be sayin’.

6 And you be sayin’ that you be believin’ in a forgivin’ God who be acceptin’ everyone, but you ya’ll self ain’t be forgivin’ and sure as fuck ain’t be yackin’ on the truth,

7 ‘Cause all you muthas can do is pick, pick, pick on what other brothas be doin’ that be different from what you be doin’.

8 I ain’t be writin’ on anything new, homey, ‘cause ya’ll and stupid muthas like you been sayin’ and doin’ this shit since anybody can remember. What the hell is it with religious superiority and stupid mutha fuckas like you?

9 Ya’ll say you in the light, but you be hatin’ on your brotha who be believin’ different.

10 Ya’ll be forgettin’ that he who loves his fellow brotha’ don’t be doin’ no shit like tryin’ to tear him from his beliefs and cram another set a mumbo jumbo dogma down his throat.

11 All of you muthas’ out there who do shit like that is some screwed up sons of bitches in your hearts, you dig? And people like you have black, dark little hearts and you be livin’ in inky black darkness caused by your violent brand of salvation.

12 Now I be writin’ to everybody so that everybody be knowin’ that they all be forgiven of all they sins.

13 I be writin’ to all ya’ll muthas out there to tell you to overcome the urge to try to convert your fellow human beins’ to your brand of twisted truth. You all be sayin’ that you be knowin’ him who be around since before the beginning,

14 But how can muthas like you possibly know the truth about all that comprises God when you be behavin’ the way that you do? That shit don’t be makin’ no sense no-how, do it?

15 And ya’ll be sayin’ to not love the world or things that be in the world, but you sit there in your precious religious superiority and love the separation and bullshit and mayhem your brand of jacked-up religion be creatin’.

16 And ya’lls asses be partakin’ in the world, but you be labelin’ what you do differently, and then you be tryin’ to convince people you not be of the world when you do exactly as the world does.

17 You don’t really be thinkin’ that everybody be buyin’ that shit, do you?

18 There is no last hour, homey, for even as ya’ll be hearin’ that the antichrist be on his way, I be here to tell you muthas his ass is already here…been here for as along as my ass can remember…and do you know who this mutha fucka be?

19 The antichrist be all those fools who be tryin’ to separate that which is God from all that is. And these twisted brothas be tryin’ to convince everybody that all that is truth and all that is God be manifested outside of everybody.

20 But that shit ain’t be the truth, homey, for all people be havin’ the anointed one within’ them if they only be openin’ they hearts and minds in order to see that.

21 And I also be writin’ this not because people who tout the Gospel of Disaster don’t be knowin’ the truth, but because they not wantin’ to be seein’ the truth.

22 For if a liar be denyin’ that his ass be lyin’ that shit don’t be makin’ him any less responsible for what is and what has been and what will always be.

23 Though the Gospel of Disaster and the followers of the Gospel of Disaster deny all other truths, all other salvations, and all other ways of worshipin’ God that don’t make them right.

24 And as for you brothas out there who be tryin’ to deal with the Gospel of Disaster and it’s toxic blend of spirituality be strong and try yo best to not let these mutha fuckas get to you.

25 The promise of eternal life is not theirs to give or to revoke, no matter how much they be thinkin’ this is so and no matter how much their tainted words of God be tellin’ them this is so.

26 This is what I be wantin’ you to know about the Gospel of Disaster and those who be preachin’ the poison of its words,

27 For such muthas don’t be realizin’ that if you be recognizin’ the anointing in you, that God already be abidin’ in you, you have no need to grasp and be clingin’ onto the messages of torment taught by the Gospel of Disaster.

28 And now ya’ll need to be lisnin’ and knowin’ that there ain’t no second comin’ for God an’ Jesus already be here, and they always been here, and if they already be here then they cain’t be arrivin’ again, you dig?

Chapter 3

1 Now ya’ll know that God be lovin’ everyone, and everyone in the whole damn world we all be children of God.

2 But the Gospel of Disaster  and those who be following’ it would be tellin’ ya’ll different. They be sayin’ if you don’t be believin’ as they do that the God who be in and of everything won’t be knowin’ you. How is that for some happy horseshit?

3 Everyone who be speakin’ like that be spoutin’ off pure and unadulterated poppycock.

4 Everyone who be recognizin’ that all people be one also be recognizin’ that God be in and of everything and everyone.

5 And it is by the laws of the universe that all that God is in truth and in salvations must be everywhere, in everyone, at all times.

6 To deny such is to deny the very existence of everything.

7 My brothas, do not be lettin’ the fear taught by the Gospel of Disaster to shadow your hearts and cover your minds.

8 For they frighten you with crazy-ass words an’ stories ‘bout a dude name the Devil who they say be tryin’ to purposely fuck up your life, and who be tryin’ to make you do shit you ain’t supposed to be doin’.

9 But ya’ll need to be seein’ that this ain’t be the real case, ‘aight?

10 Now it be true that the Devil not be a real nice mutha, you dig? He be doin’ all kinds of crazy things that be gettin’ his ass in trouble time and again. And when a brotha be decidin’ to do the crazy shit the Devil be doin’ the Devil be sayin’ to him,

11 For sure, my brotha! Ya’ll come join me on my quest to be doin’ some crazy shit, but ya’ll be callin’ your own lawyer if our assess be gettin’ in trouble; I ain’t payin’ that shit for you, dig?

12 Ya’ll best be knowin’ that the Devil don’t go about makin’ folks do anythin’ wrong. The Devil don’t go pokin’ around in peoples’ lives and fuckin’ things up. People be doin’ this shit on they own, all on they own.

13 And the professors of the Gospel of Disaster say that the Devil be responsible for all the crap in the world that be goin’ down, but this be a lie and not a very good lie at that.

14 But the truth of the matter be that all the crap in the world be caused by the crappy things that muthas and brothas be doin’ to each other. It ain’t got shit to do with the Devil.

15 Just ‘cause these assholes be doin’ things that the Devil himself be doin’ sometimes, that don’t mean the Devil be makin’ them do a damn thing, you dig?

16 Those mo’ fos who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster say that a man who be hatin’ on his brotha be a murderer without the benefit of eternal life bein’ in him.

17 Well, if that be the case wouldn’t that be makin’ a whole bunch of the muthas who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster murderers, since they be hatin’ on people who be believin’ different then they be believin’?

18 But when you be goin’ and pointin’ out this shit to them they be back-trackin’ and sayin’, No, brotha, that not be what I be meanin’.

19 And that is how you be knowin’ that the shinola they be preachin’ ain’t not a damn bit different than shit.

20 In they hearts they be thinkin’ they be better than everybody ‘cause of how they be believin’, they be thinkin’ they be the ones who be extra special to God, they be deluded in thinkin’ that they be the only ones God be savin’,

21 But the truth that these muthas be refusin’ to see be the fact that God and everything that is God and all his salvations be greater than they crazy-ass version of how things be goin’ down.

22 These muthas only want to be doin’ what they be commandin’ theyselfs to be doin’ and they only want to be receivin’ what they want to be receivin’ and they only want to be seein’ what they choose to be pleasin’.

Chapter 4

1 Now one of the most favorite things for those preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster to be sayin’ is that ya’lls gots to be careful about the many spirits out there since there be many false prophets floatin’ around, layin’ in wait of your eternal soul.

2 And then they be sayin’ even more jacked-up shinola that nobody be from God unless they be confessin’ and believin’ in the same way that the muthas who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster do.

3 Then they be spoutin’ off that the mouth that whoever don’t be believin’ in Jesus as they do, and whoever don’t be talkin’ about Jesus the way they do be the antichrist or an agent of the antichrist.

4 All you muthas out there who be sayin’ crazy crap like this are out ‘cha fuckin’ minds, you dig? And, ya’ll need to be overcomin’ the craziness of your religious seclusion and that nonsense desire you be havin’ to be better than everybody else.

5 You crazy muthas best be knowin’ that we are all out of God, whether or not a person be believin’ it or behavin’ like it, or wantin’ it to be true. We be out of God, you dig?

6 And guess what else, muthas? God be hearin’ all of everybody from everywhere no matter what version of truth and God and salvation they be believin’ in.

7 So ya’ll best be puttin’ aside your crazy, self-righteous Gospel of Disaster and start lovin’ your fellow peoples without baggin’ on what they be doin’ different.

8 ‘Cause in case ya’ll didn’t be knowin’ God be lovin’ everybody no matter what, you dig?

9 And the love of God ain’t only manifested to people who be believin’ in a special way.

10 This is love, and God be love, and love don’t be doin’ no stupid shit like pickin’ and choosin’ who it do or don’t want to be lovin’, and you can put all the money in the world on this, foh-shizzle you can, that God don’t be nit-picky with his love.

11 That be the truth for sure, no matter how them muthas who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster be thinkin’ they brand of Jesus and religion and salvation be better than anybody else.

12 And those crazy mutha fuckas who be slanderin’ God with the Gospel of Disaster best be rememberin’ that God so loved the world that he be puttin’ brainy, spiritually smart people on this planet to be remindin’ everybody of this fact,

13 And to remind everybody that God be lovin’ us all, so we best be lovin’ each other in all the things we be doin’.

14 We should all be beholdin’ and testifyin’ that God is love and God be in us all, an’ likewise all of us muthas ought to be showin’ each other love in all the things we be doin’.

15 For the brothas that be confessin’ that God is love and God be everywhere in everyone then they be recognizin’ that they be in God and God be in them.

16 And the love that be God and in God and of God be a perfect love, you dig?

17 And in a perfect love there be no fear, my brothas, no fear.

18 And since there be no fear in this perfect love that be God, this is how ya’ll muthas can be tellin’ whether or not a professed faith be worthy of your time.

19 For those of the Gospel of Disaster who be sayin’ that God be judgin’ everybody but them and be sendin’ everybody else to hell forever, that this God still be a lovin’ God, well these muthas are ‘bout as deluded as you can get.

20 And for whatever reason these muthas cain’t be seein’ the folly of they twisted faith in regards to what God be in relation to love, and what love be in relation to God.

Chapter 5

1 Everyone who be believin’ the message of Jesus’ gospel that we are all God, in God, and for God, and everyone who be believin’ that God is love and he be lovin’ us all shall understand this thing:

2 We are all kids of God, you dig? And God, and everything that be God, and everything that be makin’ up what God is, and all interpretations of God, and all paths to God are understood by some and can be understood by all.

3 This be the truth, foh-shizzle my dizzle.

4 And in case ya’ll don’t be knowin’, if you be openin’ your heart and mind to God, all that is God, and all of his truth and salvations then you be findin’ that the resultin’ faith be powerful and be overcomin’ all crazy shit that be happnin’.

5 Now homey, you tell me who don’t be wantin’ the world to be a better place, ‘aight? Don’t we all be wantin’ a better world?

6 If you be lettin’ the Tenement Gospel to be healin’ yourselfs then you will be overcomin’ and improvin’ all the negative mumbo jumbo in the world and the universe and eternity.

7 Then all ya’ll be findin’ that hurtin’ and killin’ each other, and pickin’ on each other’s many faiths and many loves, and preachin’ a stingy message of supposed love and salvation ain’t worth the time in your day, you dig?

8 That which be God in truths, in salvations, in redemptions, in loves, and in all faiths in all eternity be for everyone. This be part of the core testimony of the Tenement Gospel.

9 And for all those muthas who be believin’ this be knowin’ the truth and the power of what God is and shall be recognizin’ the power of the God of life within theyselfs.

10 Now I be writin’ this to ya’ll muthas so that you be knowin’ that the Gospel of Disaster be preachin’ that eternal life only be available if you be believin’ in they own hocus-pocus version of bipolar faith.

11 So many of those who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster be usin’ it like it be liquid courage, know what I mean? These muthas get bored and be decidin’ to use they version of God and truth as a shield,

12 An’ it be with this shield that they be hidin’ behind it, sayin’ and doin’ crazy shit to people who believe otherwise or not at all, using this absurd shield to be persecutin’ others in the name of they God they be recognizin’.

13 They be sayin’ that their brand of gospel be commandin’ them to be savin’ the people of the world, and because of this they be feelin’ justified about the shit they be doin’ an’ about the crappy, hypocritical ideology

14 And lo! All brothas and muthas, you best be knowin’ that whether or not the apostles of the Gospel of Disaster be teachin’ that God only be hearin’ they prayers, this ain’t true. God be hearin’ everybody no matter what.

15 And when muthas and brothas be sinnin’ God will always be forgivin’ them whether or not they be askin’ for forgiveness,

16 So, all ya’ll people out there who be mired in the Gospel of Disaster and the hermit faith that only ya’ll who be believin’ the way you be doin’ are the only ones who be deservin’ forgiveness,

17 Ya’ll can be takin’ dat shit an’ launchin’ it into outer space, you dig.

18 All intolerance that some muthas be havin’ ‘bout the many paths to God is a sin, and it don’t matter what religious shield these fuckas be hidin’ behind.

19 We all be knowin’ deep down inside that we all be part of God, and in God, and of God, and for God and to God.

20 We all be knowin’ that the Tenement Gospel be strong, sit-gee-ated and well rooted in all truths of God,

21 And we also be knowin’ that Jesus of Nazareth be comin’ around when he did to be remindin’ people that we all be childrens of God. Foh-shizzle this be the truth.

22 Little childrens, ya’ll need to be on your toes to be avoidin’ the leprous disease of the Gospel of Disaster, don’t be coaxed and tricked into adoptin’ a heartless and hateful gospel.

The Book of II J-Dog

1 Foh-shizzle, my brothas, I be writin’ this letter for the elderly and the young, for the man and the woman, for the adult and the child, so that they be havin’ access to all the truth that be God.

2 Ya’ll need to be knowin’ that this truth be inside you forever, ‘aight?

3 From all the facets of truth and from all the facets of God, my brotha, may we all be blessed with grace and mercy and pieces of coconut cream pie ‘cause that shit be tastin’ mighty good.

4 I be writin’ ya’ll this letter ‘cause I be gettin’ lots of former prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster huntin’ me down and askin’ me more ‘bout the Tenement Gospel an’ its truths.

5 This be makin’ me pretty happy ‘cause it be meanin’ that there are muthas out there who be tryin’ to rectify they former stingy an’ non-sensical gospel.

6 For those muthas who be peddlin’ the Gospel of Disaster be tryin’ to scare homeys into believin’ they screwy faith, and they be tellin’ them that all other faiths be from the antichrist.

7 And it be that people hear the word antichrist and they be tremblin’ with fear, but they don’t be understandin’ that they be havin’ nothing’ to fear, and no damn antichrist to be worryin’ over.

8 This antichrist dude be a fairytale created to be tryin’ to scare people into believin’ the Gospel of Disaster.

9 But the antichrist only be in the ‘maginations of the stewards of the Gospel of Disaster, and every time they be seein’ or hearin’ someone that be against they beliefs they move like lightnin’ and be callin’ that person the antichrist.

10 And tell me, my brothas, what good be a faith that be built on fear? What kind of truth be tryin’ to scare people into believing?

11 If a faith be tryin’ to recruit through fear, then what they be practicin’ not be truth and sure as fuck not be faith. For true faith be independent of any pushin’ or pullin’ of the heart or mind or soul or spirit.

12 Much like freewill cain’t be reconciled with predestination, faith cain’t be reconciled with fear.

13 So, my homeys, look into yourselfs to be findin’ the truth of God, for this be resultin’ in the reward of a truly incredible and phenomenal life.

The Book of III J-Dog

1 My brothas, I be writin’ youz concernin’ the wealth of the Tenement Gospel.

2 May ya’ll be loved, and blessed, and showered with prosperity, foh-shizzle.

3 And I be plenty happy that so many muthas and brothas be turnin’ to the Tenement Gospel.

4 An’ don’t it just fill a brothas heart to know that so many people be seekin’ out the truth within they own hearts and minds and souls.

5 I be biddin’ you to be strong in the love you be findin’ in yourselfs that be of the Tenement Gospel,

6 And may ya’ll be treatin’ yourselfs and each other with expressions worthy of the love that be in you, and of you, and by you, and for you.

7 For those preachin’ the Tenement Gospel don’t be pickin’ and choosin’ who be receivin’ the salvations of their understandin’ of God.

8 And since this be so, it be our responsibility to be makin’ known to the world that we all be fellow muthas and brothas in love and truth.

9 And while ya’ll be teachin’ the Tenement Gospel remember that they mo’ fos who be plantin’ bad seeds of the Gospel of Disaster will be sayin’ crazy shit about you, tryin’ to be paintin’ you in a bad light so that people be turnin’ from the truth you carry.

10 But do not let this be bringin’ you down, ‘aight?

11 And don’t be sayin’ crazy crap like they be doin’, tryin’ to scare brothas into they faith because that don’t be no real testimony, ‘cause real testimony ain’t never born of fear.

12 In each and every one of us God, all that is God, all that be God has placed a remarkable an’ powerful truth. This be where the real testimony is, mutha.

13 I be hopin’ for ya’ll many excellent things,

14 And may all things that be great, grand, and glorious be findin’ they way to you. Be livin’ to love, and lovin’ to live. Peace, out!

The Book of Judes

1 Yo, dog! This be Judes, no longer a slave to The Man, I am the brotha to all those with brothas from another mutha! Released on bond and kept home by some ankle jewelry!

2 Whut-up! May the love and piece of a sexy lady be upon you, foh-shizzle!

3 Fallin’ back on my fifth grade edumacation, I be writin’ you ‘bout the salvation for us all. I had tuh be writin’ you’z so I be sure you be preachin’ the most ho-leh Tenement Gospel.

4 Now it be the truth that some half-ass pimp daddies be sneakin’ in and tryin’ tuh change the Tenement Gospel, trying to hide the richness from the po’ folk.

5 Neh’ mind that shit, ‘cause ya’ll know I be tellin’ that gumbo straight up, ‘aight? Don’ be messin’ with no bullshit some punk be tellin’ you that Tenement Gospel ain’t true.

6 And those pimp punks that be tryin’ to tell you what to be doin’ even though they be fuckin’ they own shit up and shittin’ where they be eatin,’ well they got another thing coming their way, baby.

7 So don’t you be all worryin’ an shit, ‘aight?

8 Ya’ll be leavin’ them doomsday an’ hellfire damnation crackpots alone, you get me, dog? You cain’t be tellin’ them truth if they ain’t lisnin’. You know why?

9 Cause these mother fuckers be crazy, dog! If you be standin’ on dry land and breathin’ air these dudes be jumpin’ in the ocean and try breathin’ under water just to spite you.

10 Shee-it. Ya’ll don’t be needin’ no jive turkeys like that, fuck no!

11 Now these dudes be sayin’ that God nuked Sodom and Gomorrah just ‘cause they like sex and they be homos and lesbos.

12 But this ain’t the truth, brotha! God ain’t like that, no way an’ hell no!

13 See, the Tenement Gospel be sayin’ that love be patient, kind, forgiving, non-judgmental, an’ it be goin’ on forever.

14 The Tenement Gospel also be sayin’ that God himself is love, see.

15 If y’all take the time to connect the dots you be seein’ that if God be love, foh-shizzle he is, there ain’t no way he be sendin’ people to hell. Wanna know why, dog?

16 He cain’t send them to hell ‘cause he be love, ‘aight? An’ if he be love then he also be forgiving. An’ if he be love then he also go on forever. And if he goes on forever and be forgiving at the same time,

17 Then he forgive everybody for all the stupid shit they done do…forever. An’ it don’t matter if they ask forgiveness or not, and it doesn’t matter whether or not they be believin’ on God or not,

18 For if love is non-judgmental, then God is also not gonna be pickin’ who he feel like forgivin’ and not forgivin’.

19 And the same mo’ fos that be sayin’ this shit also be sayin’ that sex an’ pleasure be bad, that partyin’ be bad, that money be bad, and that position and influences be bad.

20 But these dudes don’t be knowin’ any better ‘cause they be wrapped up in thinkin’ they better ‘cause of what they be believin’ in.

21 And these mutha fuckas be arguin’ against whatever they don’t know, and whatever they don’t be understandin’, and whatever they be feelin’ is against them an’ opposite of what they be thinkin’ is truth.

22 And the hearts of these assholes be corrupted by their thinkin’ that there be only one answer to everything, that there be only one truth and only one straight line to that truth.

23 Well, I feel sorry for these mutha fuckas because they be goin’ the way of Cain when he killed his brotha and then left his homeland without makin’ things right.

24 These beanbag for brains jack-offs be just like the muthas that plotted against Korah an’ his gang and called on the power of the God they understood to destroy Korah and his gang,

25 Just because Korah an’ his company be belivin’ in Balaam.

26 And these muthas try to mask their desire to subjugate those who believe differently and live differently, but they cain’t be hidin’ the dark whispers of superiority in their hearts.

27 For they live in constant fear of a day that may or may not come ‘cording to whatever religious text they be translatin’.

28 And these muthas say, Come, throw down with us so you be escapin’ judgment from a terribly angry God who is really a lovin’ God.

29 Come with us an’ love like we do, talk like we do, walk like we do, think like we do, eat what we eat, see what we see, and spread our Gospel of Disaster by livin’ in fear just as we do.

30 But these muthas don’t be seein’ that by bein’ this way they wander the eternity of their lives in gloomy darkness.

31 And even Enoch, a descendant of Adam, prophesied about muthas like these fuckas and said,

32 Behold, there shall be those who be sayin’ they be the only ones of the Lord, and who shall proclaim they be the only saints of God,

33 And they shall be expert guilders of the languages of all men, master manipulators who shall cause men to forget that we are all God, and in God, and of God, and for God, and possessing of the powers of God,

34 And these men shall be settin’ muthas against one another by complanin’, murmuring, and sayin’ ridiculous shit that only serves to make people angry with one another;

35 But you be remainin’ strong and remember the words of the Tenement Gospel that be commandin’ you to live your life to love, and love your life to live,

36 Bein’ mindful of the wonderful joy of many paths and the beauty of many faiths and truths. Such be the words of Enoch.

37 Don’t be forgettin’ that those mutha fuckas who make purposeful separations between the nations of the earth and of the universe have fuckin’ ugly spirits and little black hearts that find joy in the supposed greater spiritual value and choices of some men over others.

38 But you, homey, know this and be keepin’ it in your heart: There is common ground and joy in everything, and that, in and of itself, is absolutely holy.

39 For when you be seein’ many different faiths, you should also be seein’ that the common ground ‘tween them all is the fact that they all be faith.

40 And when you be hearin’ the prayin’ and chantin’ and invocations and spells and spiritual commands of many faiths, you should also be hearin’ that they all be prayer.

41 And when you be witnessin’ love ‘tween two people whether it be two men, two women, or a man and a woman, you should also be understandin’ in your heart an’ mindful in your spirit that you are witnessin’ love, and love be one of the few absolutes in this universe.

42 Now it be hard for some mutha fuckas to understand the grace of the Tenement Gospel, so you be havin’ some mercy on them. ‘Course, that don’t be meanin’ you have to take they shit if they decide to try to give it to you.

43 If you can, save them mo’ fos from the bullshit they be tryin’ to peddle to the rest of the world. Save them from gettin’ burned by the fire of the crap they be creating.

44 Just you be rememberin’, homey, they be those who you cain’t be savin’ until they hit the ground first. Some muthas just don’t be learnin’ until something’ bad be sneakin’ up on they ass.

45 So, you be keepin’ the words of God in the Tenement Gospel very near and dear to your heart, know what I’m sayin’, for to honor that which is God is to honor yourself, and to honor yourself is to honor your fellow man.

46 To God be all the glory forever an’ ever, foh-shizzle! Amen.

The Book of Revelatin’

Chapter 1

1 What it is, my brotha? This here be me revelatin’ to you about the Tenement Gospel as so stated by God his own self, so that the muthas who be prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster might be doin’ something to be settin’ theyselfs free.

2 Now, the folks who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster be sayin’ that they scriptures be the complete and indelible truth, but this be a bunch of horse shit.

3 The reason for this be simple, ‘aight? They main problem be that they faith be based on a load of frightening prophecies that be making no damn sense no how. Now that be what we gonna be talkin’ about here, you dig?

4 But before I gets into tellin’ ya’ll what ya’ll should be lookin’ out for an’ shit, I wanna be greeting you and thankin’ you for being here and readin’ this, ‘aight?

5 So, with all the love in the universe that be making up what God be, I bless you and hope that all thangs be goin’ well for you and all of yours, you dig? Know in your heart that wherever you are, so God is there also regardless of whether or not you want him to be.

6 I have been charged by God and all that be making up what God be to write this book so that ya’ll know the truth about what to be expectin’ from the nut cases who be spoutin’ off about the Gospel of Disaster.

7 Now, these things be coming to me through a dream, granted a really whacked out dream that in all fairness could have been a direct result of the mow I smoked. I am writin’ these things exactly as I herd ‘em or saw ‘em in my dream, ‘aight?

8 In my dream I be standin’ on the most beautiful, white sand beach that be havin’ the most gorgeous blue water. And stuck in the white sand be these really cool lookin’ tiki torches.

9 And standin’ near these tiki torches was this servant guy who be bringin’ anything I be askin’ for. So, I gots a really cool drink in a pineapple. Now the guy standin’ near the torches be havin’ Rasta braids and be smokin’ really great mow.

10 And dude says to me, Ya’ll be writin’ this down, foh-shizzle, so people be payin’ attention to what they should be doin’. And if people be sayin’ to youz that they don’t be havin’ the info that they be needin’ you tell them they full of shit,

11 For everything that people be needin’ to be knowing in order to be livin’ happy and healthy and abundant lives be all around them if only they be openin’ they eyes and they minds and they hearts and they spirits. This be the truth, my dizzle.

12 And tell this to people so that they be knowing that there ain’t no alpha and no omega, for everything be now and all at once, you dig? That be what Jesus be tryin’ to tell people about what the ‘I Am’ be meanin’. It be meanin’ oneness with the ‘now’, you dig?

13 Now folks needin’ to be knowin’ that there ain’t no big damn tribulation that all that be makin’ up God in this universe be making people to be going through. Don’t ya’ll know you be making all your own tribulations?

14 God ain’t tryin’ to put people through more of that shit! Hell no! God be trying to help ya’ll get yo asses out of the bad things you done gone and did to ya’lls selfs.

15 So youz go and be writing down everything that I be telling’ you so that hopefully somebody be payin’ attentions an’ start gettin’ shit right, you dig?

16 So, I done told the guy with the Rasta braids who be smokin’ a doobie that I be doin’ exactly like he be tellin’ me an’ writin’ everything down.

Chapter 2

1 And a voice said to look and I looked, and I saw nine golden pot bongs standing in a thick haze of smoke from the most holy mow. Then did the voice say, It is four and twenty.

2 Then was a righteous doobie passed unto me and I did smoke of the most holiest of mows. Then a voice said, You must be hungry.

3 I turned toward the sound of the voice and, behold! I saw a man clothed in the garment of an ice cream man, girded about the chest with cinnamon buns, his hair was the blinding salmon pink of cotton candy,

4 His head was a nacho tortilla chip and his eyes were watermelon flavored ring-pops; his arms were fruit roll-ups and his fingers were golden corndogs; his thighs were carne asada burritos and his calves were churros;

5 His ankles were hickory smoked turkey drumsticks and his feet were buttermilk biscuits with sweet potato toes.

6 As I began to eat the ankles and the toes of the man before me he spoke, saying, Know that the things I am about to tell you are the things that those of the Gospel of Disaster say are about to take place, but never will,

7 Or they are things that those of the Gospel of Disaster normally be spoutin’ off about for one reason or other.

8 And I be fallin’ at the feet of this fella an I told him that I was not into lisnin’ to some puffed up scriptural mumbo-jumbo that said I was going to be burning in somebody’s hell. And he said to me,

9 No, Bozo! I am not gonna preach that crap to you. I am telling you what to look out for from the people who do preach that crapola for shits and giggles and for the purpose of scarin’ the beejesus out of everybody on the planet who don’t be believin’ like they do.

10 Now, listen up! The folk who be teachin’ the Gospel of Disaster shall be claimin’ all kinds of signs and symbols and messages in damn near anything that be happnin’ or not happnin’, you dig?

11 Now some of the messengers of the Gospel of Disaster claim to know that the works and labors of those of the Tenement Gospel are evil and that the preachers of the Tenement Gospel are false apostles.

12 The reason why those of the Gospel of Disaster claim the teachings of the Tenement Gospel to be false is because such a message preached is not one they wish to hear about,

13 For the purveyors of the Gospel of Disaster do not wish to hear that they have completely departed from the message of love of the universe, and in doing so they have also left God,

14 And instead of treating their fellow men with acceptance they point to them and say, Look! They are doing this wrong! Look! They are doing that wrong!

15 He who has half a mind to hear don’t listen to those of the Gospel of Disaster, for such say nothing worth hearing when they preach about the things they hate and the people they hate and the practices they hate.

16 It is true, however, that those of the Gospel of Disaster who overcome the urge to hate and detest and abuse others shall in turn overcome the fruits of the Tree of Disaster, therefore reverting back to the love that comprises what God is.

17 And some of the messengers of the Gospel of Disaster say that to suffer tribulation and poverty and grueling life demands is in reality to live with richness and wealth in life,

18 Yet, these very same messengers become very rich and live comfortable lives with the very same money they beg for and take from those who really are poor and suffering in the depths of poverty;

19 Such messengers slander the faith and the love that they supposedly preach, and in doing so neglect all that is God.

20 And they tell their flocks to not fear or worry about their seemingly endless well of suffering in the now, for those suffering are told they will be rewarded most richly in a distant, later life,

21 For the Gospel of Disaster states that its followers must be faithful in everything, even unto death. In return the faithful are promised crowns of life, but a faith that preaches death in the now and life in the later is doomed to disarray.

Chapter 3

1 And some messengers of the Gospel of Disaster say that all other faiths are like double-edged swords and cut the hearts of those who hold alternate faiths or no faith at all, and cut the ears of all who hear messages of different faiths,

2 For the Gospel of Disaster claims that all other faiths are stumbling blocks and not intended to bring people to God, but rather to take people away from God. Such messengers say,

3 Lo! Faiths of a different origin are from Satan and therefore do not qualify as a valid belief.

4 The messengers of the Gospel of Disaster say that all other faiths and members of such faiths must immediately repent of their wicked faiths and their wicked ways lest they be cut-off from the truth of the Gospel of Disaster,

5 For those who believe differently than peddlers of the Gospel of Disaster will find that a holy war has been declared upon them under the guise of preaching a peaceful gospel,

6 And it is in such a cause that those of the Gospel of Disaster say that their faith is the one, true faith that is above all others, saying,

7 To the man who has ears to hear, let him plug them up so he will not have to listen to the sin of all other faiths,

8 For the God of the Gospel of Disaster promises that those who listen only to him shall be given special stones that no one else shall receive or even know about.

9 And there are those messengers who claim that God hates the tolerance of any faith other than theirs, calling all other faiths sinful and evil and filled with idol worship.               10 The same messengers even accuse believers of other faiths of being wicked fornicators and of purposely sacrificing the truth, therefore giving just cause to treat other religions as adulterous in nature,

11 For according to the Gospel of Disaster members of different faiths or no faith at all shall be thrown into the fires of a great tribulation,

12 But I say to you to never fear these things for they shall never be. Those of the message of disaster shall claim to have authority over all other nations and religions, but this is one of the biggest bullshit lies in the history of religion.

13 If a man has the ears to hear then he shall do himself a favor and never lend an ear to the Gospel of Disaster, for such a gospel that is steeped in fear can never bring about anything nurturing or beneficial.

14 And much like a neglectful parent toward an unwanted child the Gospel of Disaster labels all other beliefs as dead in faith, ignoring them as though they were bastard children.

15 Messengers of the disastrous faith say that no man is saved by works, but then these same muthas turn around and point to other faiths, saying,

16 Look what they are saying, look what they are doing, look at what they are believing, and look at what they do not do. We are better than they are for the works we live by are loved by the one, true God.

17 The messengers of disaster become a source of great distain amongst many nations, and they claim such distain as a sign of their longsuffering, but in reality it is everyone else who suffers at the hands of those that are caked with the muddiness hate.

18 It is God that blesses anyone who has the endurance and tenacity and the patience to ignore and put up with the crap of the Gospel of Disaster.

Chapter 4

1 The scriptures of the Gospel of Disaster cannot be truth since they were penned by a bunch of picky bastards who only chose to write about what they liked, what they wanted to hear, and about those things they could use to control people with.

2 Such people are blind so long as they hold onto the Gospel of Disaster, for so long as they fail to see the many paths that lead to God, they shall not have eyes that recognize anything of great or lasting value.

3 When venomous men such as these come to your door and ask for the ears of your heart, do not let them in for they will only devour you and the objectiveness of your spirit.

4 After I was shown all of these things I was given another mega doobie of the most holy of mows and told, Smoke up, for you will now be shown those things the proponents of the Gospel of Disaster shall say and do during what they think is the end.

5 Then I was made non-corporeal and taken before a very large throne made of skeletons that had been dipped in gold, and upon the golden skeletons were green emeralds with many small rainbows seeping out from them.

6 And around this large throne of golden skeletons were many, many smaller thrones identical in appearance, and upon the miniature thrones were many different manifestations of those who preach the Gospel of Disaster,

7 And behold! A voice said unto me, Look at these who sit here one these thrones made of skeletons dipped in gold. They have convinced themselves that they are above all because they have built a throne similar to the one they claim to be God’s throne,

8 But the very throne they claim to be God’s throne is the same throne they created in secret and labeled in secret to be God’s own. Though they claim to have discovered this throne it is not so, for they worship their own creation.

9 One cannot discover what one has created. That is some stupid shit.

10 Standing in the midst of all the thrones is a great beast with many sharp teeth, hateful red eyes, razor sharp talons of the hardest metal, a tongue of fire, the belly of a dragon, the feathers of a chicken, and the whiskers of a catfish.

11 And the beast had many eyes and many mouths from which came many negative words and phrases, and those sitting on the thrones looked upon the beast with awe, bowed to it and prayed to it. Then a voice said to me,

12 See these people on the thrones worshiping this beast? These are the proponents of the Gospel of Disaster. Do you know what the beast they worship is? It is the fear that they rely on in order that they control people with their blind rhetoric.

13 And behold, a dead horse, and the men standing astride of it were beating it in order to get it to comply with their wishes, but it would not respond for it was dead. Crowns with the word ‘Dunce’ were given unto the men who beat the horse,

14 For they were trying to sell the dead horse in an effort to pass it off as something valuable. Unto the people who passed them by they said, Come, buy this horse and it shall till your gardens and take you anywhere you wish to go.

15 And when some people passing by asked why the men were trying to sell a dead horse the men said, It is not dead, only resting. For the men who buy this horse and manage to wake it, it shall be an asset unto them.

16 It came to be that some of those passing by the men with the dead horse paid them no mind at all while others simply wanted to stare at the carcass and yet others wanted to buy it.

17 And behold, I saw a green horse, and the man who sat on him wore golden armor and held a great sack of money. The horse had a bridle and a saddle made of pure silver. And this man had the ability to speak sweet words to people in order that they give him their money,

18 For he promised them that if they gave him money he would lead them to the eternal way and to a special seat in heaven next to Jesus.

19 Then I turned, and behold, I saw a blue horse, and the man who sat on him was crying and his expression was one of great sorrow. And to this man was given the burden of a heavy heart,

20 For he allowed the destructive promises of his supposed faith to divide him from his family and from his friends and from society.

21 And I looked again, and behold, I saw a yellow horse, and the man who sat on him was trembling with great fear. And this man was consumed by the non-sensical rumors of what might happen to him when he would die,

22 For this man chose his faith according to the terrible tribulations that that particular faith promised to save him from if he would only believe.

23 Then there came a great noise like an air horn at a football game, and I saw all of the lives of people who chose to wage war in the name of God and of faith, and they cried out, What is this that we have done to each other?

24 For we say we know the mind and the love of God and then we murder each other, burn one another’s cities and towns, lay waste to lands meant to sustain the life of people, and even commit heinous suicides thinking it makes us martyrs.

25 And as these people are reborn many consign themselves to try to compensate for the atrocities they enacted in their previous lives.

Chapter 5

1 Then a loud voice said unto me, Listen and write this shit down, ’aight? Now those of the Gospel of Disaster be sayin’ some crazy ass shit about some supposed End Times Tribulation and a great Judgment Day.

2 And they say that the End Times will happen when God no longer wishes to allow people the chance to choose either the Gospel of Disaster or death, and will instead choose death for those who never made the right choice to begin with.

3 Those of the Gospel of Disaster will use absolutely every tactic possible in an effort to scare people into believing their crap spin on the spiritual matters of the universe, and with each natural disaster and with each great war waged they shall say,

4 The end is near! And with each great quake, each tidal wave, each volcanic explosion, each collapse of a mountain, each outbreak of any plague, each downfall of a government, each shortage of food,

5 Each violent political volley, each great war waged between nations great and small, each uprising against political despots, each unusual occurrence in the heavens, and each misunderstanding of supernatural matters those of the Gospel of Disaster say,

6 Look, these are the signs that all is going to end! These are the signs that we are right and have always been right in clinging to our destructive faith. God is angry and this is why all of these terrible things are happening!

7 For those of the Gospel of Disaster just can’t seem to get it through their thick heads that an earthquake is an earthquake, a tidal wave is a tidal wave, and a volcanic eruption is a volcanic eruption,

8 And all of such things naturally occur in and on the earth upon which people live, for the earth is living and growing and changing at all times, just as the men who walk upon its surface.

9 But the purveyors of the Gospel of Disaster persist to misinterpret natural processes as confirmation of their twisted faith, taking the descriptions of such and forcing them to fit into whatever prophecies they can conjure up from their scriptures.

10 And in the last book of their prophecies those who preach the Gospel of Disaster go all out and say some really, really crazy shit. Write these things down so you will remember them. And I did as I was commanded by the voice and wrote.

11 And the voice said, There is a prophecy that there will be four angels at the four corners of the earth that shall withhold the wind and its power. The problem with this prophecy is the fact that the earth don’t be having no goddamn corners, ‘aight?

12 But these prophecies were written in a time when men still thought the earth was fucking flat. So, there goes the prophecy of four angels holding the winds from the four corners of the earth.

13 Right after that prophecy is one that says that an angel commands the other angels to not harm the earth and the sea until the slaves of the God of the Gospel of Disaster have been sealed upon their heads.

14 Now, not only does this make an absolutely absurd picture in one’s mind, but do you get the strange sense of detachment when instead of saying everyone who does not believe is going to get killed the angel says the earth and the sea will be harmed?

15 This is a classic example of trying to disassociate with those who are considered doomed, right? Never mind the people who are supposedly going to be harmed, let’s just talk about the earth and the sea getting harmed. How stupid is that?

16 So, those who are supposedly doomed are not worth talking about or mentioning, but the earth and the sea are. That right there ought to give people a real sense of the lack of appreciation and respect the Gospel of Disaster has towards a lot of people.

17 What I find of particular interest about this particular prophecy is the fact that it states that the slaves of the Gospel of Disaster will be sealed with a mark upon their heads. Slaves. Notice it does not say believers, it says slaves. Need I say more?

18 Another prophecy says that the throne of God will be surrounded with a mass of people in white robes which have been made white in the blood of what they believe. There are actually quite a few of these types of prophecies,

19 And it is these prophecies in particular that the fundamentalist-terrorist-whack jobs latch onto to defend their maniacal religious behavior. They spilled blood, their own or someone else’s, in an effort to overcome and sit about the throne of God.

20 They are martyrs who receive even greater favor from the God of the Gospel of Disaster for sacrificing themselves. Again, this type of crappy-doo religious philosophy only encourages idiots to do stupid shit in an effort to gain God’s favor.

Chapter 6

1 Then was another mega doobie of the most holiest of mows passed unto me, and I was commanded to smoke, and I did. Then the voice commanded me that I continue to listen to the absurdities of the Gospel of Disaster. And the voice said,

2 Listen to these hypocrisies of the Gospel of Disaster. Now it says in its last book of prophecies that angels stand before a golden altar and light incense to go with the prayers of people to God,

3 So you tell me how the Gospel of Disaster can pass judgment on those different religions that also use altars and also burn incense to go with prayer? How is it okay for one faith and not for another? Maybe because the angels are doing it. Whatever, man.

4 Then there is a lengthy description of hail and fire and all kinds of crazy shit falling from the sky along with the sun and moon being darkened. Now, those of the Gospel of Disaster are crafty in trying to make all of this sound like doomsday,

5 But the simple truth is they are describing meteor showers, asteroids, comets, and solar and lunar eclipses. They can try all they want to make it sound as scary and horrible as possible, but these things are what they are and it is no mystery.

6 Now we get to the crazy of the crazy prophecies where there is a great hole that opens up that thick smoke spews out of, and with the smoke these mega locusts with scorpion stingers come out and hurt all the people who do not believe the Gospel of Disaster.

7 Now, what is interesting is these scorpion-locust thingies are supposedly given the power to torture all men without the seal of the God of Disaster, torture them for not believing in the Gospel of Disaster. Nice.

8 So, never mind freewill, right? Because if you have to believe in something in order to not get tortured and burned in hell forever, well then your ass don’t be havin’ no goddamn freewill, you dig?

9 Getting to the part where the four angels who were supposedly holding the four corners of the earth, quite a feat considering the roundness of this planet, were loosed these same angels are supposedly given the power to kill a third of the people on earth.

10 And why would they be given this most dastardly assignment? Why, all of this mayhem is intended to turn the hearts of men to the God of the Gospel of Disaster. Sound like a nice God to you? Believe in me or die? What the fuck kind of bullshit is that?

11 It gets better, though. Another angel makes yet another announcement in which followers of the Gospel of Disaster are referred to as the slaves of the God of Disaster. Here we go again with the disastrous faithful being labeled as slaves.

12 True faith never, ever enslaves anyone. But that is typical of the Gospel of Disaster to try to force their bitter pills down the throats of people under the promise that someday it shall taste sweet. It is all a big giant crock.

13 Then there are the two witnesses that have all kinds of power over the natural processes of the earth. They can make rain or stop rain. They can make fire come from out of their mouths to devour their enemies and turn water to blood.

14 And why would these men do this? Again, it is supposedly all for the purpose of making people believe in the Gospel of Disaster. People do not choose to believe the Gospel of Disaster, they are frightened into believing it.

15 The voice said to me, Look into their scriptures and you will find mention of a mighty quake that kills thousands and thousands of people, and those still alive are so scared and terrified that they immediately praise and give glory to the God of the Gospel of Disaster. This is not choice. This is not freewill. This is not the love of God.

16 The very idea that any being would rule by persistent and consistent use of fear is indicative of such a ruler being a tyrant and not in the least bit worthy of a leadership position, much less the adoration of followers.

17 Then comes the description of a whole bunch of stories that all sound incredibly similar to the stories of creation and destruction found in cultures all over the earth and from many different times in history.

18 There are descriptions of a dragon chasing a lady who is helped by an eagle and who eventually has some kids. Then the dragon gets pissed and spits out a river to destroy the woman, but the earth opens up and swallows the water, helping the woman.

19 Then you have a mega beast loaded with heads and horns coming up out of the ocean. Not only that, but this beast is a patch quilt since it has body parts from a lion, a bear, and a leopard. Sounds like someone went shopping for monster parts at the thrift shop.

20 It gets better. So, then this mega beast has another mega beast pal come up out of the earth. This beast don’t look no prettier than his predecessor.

21 Together the two beasts go about the world trying to force people to believe their brand of religious hodge-podge, and if they don’t believe it then they cannot buy or sell food, an shit. Sounds awfully similar to not allowing people to live unless they believe in the Gospel of Disaster.

22 These stories are nothing new in reality. They are all the same stories people have swapped over thousands and thousands of years in an effort to amuse themselves, and somewhere along the line people started taking the shit for real.

23 None of it is anything new or special or unusual or enlightening. All that happens is throughout history the characters are shuffled around a bit, names are changed, and ta-da! You’ve got a whole new set of religious stories on your hands.

Chapter 7

1 And the voice once again said to me, Listen and write these things down so that people may know of the absolute stupidity with which they try to control each other through what they hold as faith,

2 For their ridiculousness travels to the furthest reaches of the mind and of the universe and all that is.

3 And they say some of the wackiest shit, like when they say that one hundred and forty-four thousand men will be standing around a throne and singing a song no one else can learn since they, the guys singing, are virgins and the other people aren’t.

4 Then comes this gi-normous war called Armageddon where everything and everyone that is contrary in the least bit to what those of the Gospel of Disaster preach are completely decimated and destroyed,

5 And as if that were not enough of a punishment, after these rabble rousers are decimated they are made to live an eternity in absolute torment.

6 And all of this po-dunk crap is what the Gospel of Disaster is about, ‘aight? Destruction and torture of those who either wish to believe otherwise, or maybe not even believe in anything at all.

7 That is not a message of salvation.

8 All those who choose to worship all that is divine from a different angle are called idolatrous and evil and wicked, never mind that all of these religions have the same symbols, albeit under different names and in different orders.

9 That is not a message of redemption.

10 All those who do not live according to how those of the Gospel of Disaster say to live are automatic enemies of the God of Disaster and his followers, unless, of course, they change their minds and decide to live as they are told.

11 That is not a valid message of hope and faith, and absolutely nowhere near anything even remotely similar to freewill or the exercise thereof.

12 So, what happens when the supposed end of time passes? Why, there will be celebration in heaven, but only a celebration attended by those who bought the Gospel of Disaster hook, line, and sinker.

13 The Gospel of Disaster is nothing but a vengeful conglomeration of spiteful words and prophecies intended only to divide people and give just cause to those who would wreak terrible destruction on those who believe differently, or not at all.

14 It is wrong to rejoice in something that preaches so much hate and so much destruction and so much misery.

15 It is wrong to rejoice in something that devours hope and revokes even the half-assed promises made to men.

16 It is wrong to rejoice in something that is persistent in preaching the cutting down of those who believe differently, smiting here and smiting there wherever a differing faith and opinion can be found.

17 It is wrong to rejoice in something that preaches only one way and one answer and one vision and one faith and one understanding of love and one path, for just as there are men and have been and ever will be, there are many paths and faiths and answers and understandings of all that love is.

18 And no matter how much death and destruction is preached by anyone this cannot change the truth of love and the truth of everything in love and of love and for love and to love that comprises all of that which is God.

Chapter 8

1 Do not be deceived by the fear that so many will try to teach and preach, for giving into such fear can only take from the goodness of all that surrounds you.

2 Of course, that does not mean your ass needs to go out and start harassing those of the Gospel of Disaster, no. Simply don’t listen or give into their bullshit that always ends up dividing people one way or another.

3 God and salvation and redemption and everything that is love is not just for those who chose to worship the Gospel of Disaster or any other similar faith or any different faith, or whatever.

4 God and salvation and redemption and love and wealth of being and of who the individual is, well that is for everyone, and it doesn’t matter what the fuck you choose to believe, you dig?

5 So, contrary to what some faiths may believe they do not own the sole rights to these things.

6 Simply live you for who you are. Find your joy and run with it, developing it unto perfection and adding something beautiful to the world and the earth and the people around you with each life that you live.

7 There are so very many beautiful things to experience and to share, and that simply cannot be done by limiting faith and love and hope and peace and all such things.

8 Find the faith that fits you, a healthy faith that does not preach salvation through fear. And if you grow out of that faith then find another. And if you decide you do not wish to have a faith, then don’t have one.

9 It really isn’t that difficult for a mind to grasp.

10 Live to love, and love to live.

11 Do not live to instill fear. Do not live to instill hate. Do not live to encourage division. Do not live to hold one faith over another.

12 Live to love, and love to live.

13 When someone tries to bully you with hellfire and damnation, walk away. Do not allow such ridiculous fear into your life and heart and mind.

14 And live for the day! Everyday is a good day, ‘aight? Sometimes the situations of the day can be pretty shitty, but the day is all good so take that and run with it and do something wonderful and beautiful with it.

15 Do not waste your time neglecting the present in exchange for something that is less than a giant maybe. Maybe does not cut the mustard. This is a precise universe that does not deal with maybes. Maybes are only in the minds of people.

16 And the more that people decide to live with an open heart and mind the more and more beautiful life everywhere becomes, because that is life. You don’t have to be a member of a special faith in order to see the beauty of life. Just open your eyes.

17 Live the way you are intended to live and bring honor and joy everywhere you go, and when you converse with your fellow man look at the things that you have in common instead of distorting the things you think separate you,

18 For the supposed separation perceived by so many who are steeped in fear is a lie. And wars have been fought and continue to be fought and will be fought because of this lie,

19 And it is this terrible lie that says, My God is better than your God. My faith is better than your faith. My understanding is better than your understanding. Yea, even, I am going to heaven and you are going to hell. But do not allow this lie to become your truth.

20 Live in compassion and love and joy and peace and hope and happiness and you will find all is yours.

21 This is the truth, and no amount of fear or spiritual terrorist teaching can change it. No amount of any faith claiming to be the one and only truth can change this. No amount of threats of an Armageddon or final judgment can change this.

22 Living in fear, spiritual or otherwise, is not a normal way of life. This being the case, stop living as if it were.

23 May all that is great and grand and glorious in this most excellent universe find its way to you, and may the love of all that comprises what God is always be seeded deep within your heart, an’ that shit, my homey, be how it really be goin’ down.

24 Peace out.

Table of Contents

Copyright

The Book of M ’ tew

The Book of Mac Daddy

The Book of Lou

The Book of Jon

The Book of Acting Postal

The Book of Roaming

The Book of I ‘ Inthians

The Book of II ‘ Inthians

The Book of ‘ Latians

The Book of ‘ Pheses

The Book of Flippin

The Book of Carlos

The Book of I ‘ Lonians

The Book of II ‘ Lonians

The Book of I Tim-Tim

The Book of II Tim-Tim

The Book of T ’ aight

The Book of Lemons

The Book of Brewdude

The Book of Jaime

The Book of I Pete

The Book of I J-Dog

The Book of II J-Dog

The Book of III J-Dog

The Book of Judes

The Book of Revelatin