Gospel-Centered Marriage

Applying the Gospel of Jesus to the major areas of your marriage

by

John Stange

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Copyright 2013

All Rights Reserved

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Ivystream Press

Philadelphia, PA

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Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version® (ESV®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Table of Contents

Preface

Centering your marriage on the Gospel

What is Marriage?

A picture of the love of Jesus

Submission

Commitment

Communication

Money

Some final thoughts

Preface

Apart from the decision to follow Jesus, there is no greater decision a person makes than the choice to marry someone.  For some people, marriage is a joyful experience - filled with delight.  For others, married life is a daily struggle - filled with disappointments and disagreements.

The Gospel of Jesus Christ is filled with good news for your marriage.  As we meditate more and more on the nature of Christ's Gospel and its application to our daily lives, we begin to see that He has called us to apply His Gospel to every area of our lives, particularly our marriages.

When we center our marriages on the Gospel, we begin to better understand how to react and respond to the common sources of stress and disagreement that all married couples face.  What does the Gospel say about love, commitment, communication, and mutual submission?  How does the Gospel apply to how we handle our household finances?

In this brief ebook, we'll take a look at each of these areas and we'll also examine the very foundation upon which Jesus has called us to build our marriages upon.

Prepare to be encouraged and refreshed.

Centering your marriage on the Gospel

As a pastor, a major facet of my job centers around making investments into the marriages of others.  This is true in my preaching and it is especially true in the nature of my counseling.  At any given time, I am usually working with multiple couples who meet with me for pre-marital counseling or have experienced a roadblock in their marriage that they need help with.

Many of the most common problems that persist in new and seasoned marriages seem to come back to a failure to understand how the Gospel applies to one's marriage.  For many Christians, the role of the Gospel is minimized.  It's treated as a message that is basic and primarily for those who as of yet have not personally trusted in Jesus. This failure to understand more fully what the Gospel is and how to apply the Gospel to all areas of life produces discouragement, disappointment and fruitless disagreements in many areas - especially marriage.

So what is the Gospel?  What does it look like to have a marriage that is centered on the truth of the Gospel?  I appreciate what Joe Thorn has said about the Gospel and what it means to be "gospel-centered" in one's approach to life. He states...

In the simplest of terms the gospel is the life, death and resurrection of Jesus that accomplishes redemption and restoration for all who believe and all of creation. In his life Jesus fulfilled the law and accomplished all righteousness on behalf of sinners who have broken God’s law at every point. In his death Jesus atones for our sins, satisfying the wrath of God and obtaining forgiveness for all who believe. In his resurrection Jesus’ victory over sin and death is the guarantee of our victory over the same in and through him. Jesus’ saving work not only redeems sinners, uniting them to God, but also assures the future restoration of all creation. This is the gospel, the “good news,” that God redeems a fallen world by his grace.

Therefore, to be gospel-centered means that the gospel – and Jesus himself – is our greatest hope and boast, our deepest longing and joy, and our most passionate song and message. It means that the gospel is what defines us as Christians, unites us as brothers and sisters, changes us as sinner/saints and sends us as God’s people on mission. When we are gospel-centered the gospel is exalted above every other good thing in our lives and triumphs over every bad thing set against it.

More specifically, the gospel-centered life is a life where a Christian experiences a growing personal reliance on the gospel that protects him from depending on his own religious performance and being seduced and overwhelmed by idols. 1

In upcoming chapters, we will be wrestling with what it looks like to apply the Gospel to all areas of our marriages.  We'll look at subjects like communication, commitment, finances, showing love, mutual submission and respect.  I hope that wrestling with some of these thoughts and suggestions will be a helpful investment in your marriage.

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1.  Note to self: the discipline of preaching to yourself; Joe Thorn - Crossway - 2011

What is Marriage?

A long time ago, I came across this definition of marriage..."Marriage is the sanctified union of a man and a woman for companionship and the procreation of children."  I wish I could remember where I first came across that description because I have mentioned it many times since I first read it.

It's easy to look at the culture we live in and be somewhat critical.  At least I find that very easy.  It's easy for me to criticize the fact that many, if not most people seem to struggle to understand the point or the deeper meaning of marriage.  For some, marriage is a matter of convenience. For others, it may be a matter of social standing and acceptance.  Some view marriage as the cure for something they feel is missing in their lives.  Others see marriage as the biggest mistake they have ever made.  But fostering a critical spirit is too easy for me to do and often oversimplifies a bigger issue or potentially gives me an easy excuse to avoid examining the misunderstandings I have often personally gravitated toward.

The first marriage mentioned in Scripture is the marriage God inaugurated between Adam and Eve.  The second chapter of Genesis tells us that soon after He created Adam, God said,  "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him." (Gen. 2:18).  God created Eve and she was united to Adam in the unique covenant of marriage.  Marriage is a beautiful thing.  It has been part of God's plan for humanity from our very first days.  It is something that pleases Him and it's meant to give us a greater understanding of the nature of His loving heart.

Marriage is a sanctified union.  "Sanctified" is not a term most people toss around casually, so it merits some clarification.  If something is sanctified, that means it is holy and set apart for sacred use.  Marriage is something that is precious in God's sight.  It isn't something He treats lightly.  It's something that He created and initiated for His glory and our good.  Our temptation is to demean or devalue marriage, but that becomes more difficult to do the more we begin to understand it's greater purpose.  If we could see marriage from God's eyes, we would view it in an entirely new light and that understanding would prompt a different response from within us.

Do you think of your own marriage as holy?  Are you aware that the union between a husband and a wife is something God has a special use for?  How do you suppose He is seeking to make special use of your marriage?  What is the big message He would like to communicate to your children, family, friends and acquaintances through your marriage?

In marriage, there is companionship.  God stated that it wasn't good for Adam to be alone.  He didn't create mankind to be as "individualistic" as some like to claim that they are.  At times, especially when we are in emotional pain, we tend to make claims such as, "I don't need anyone!" or "I'm better off by myself!"  But that's not how we were designed to operate.  God's Word makes it clear that He has designed us to live and thrive in the context of community.  This reflects an aspect of God's nature that can easily be overlooked.  From eternity past, God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit have existed in perfect fellowship, community and companionship.  The companionship that is present in a marriage is actually meant to reflect this aspect of the nature of God.

One of my least favorite experiences as a husband is when my wife needs to go away for any reason.  It doesn't happen often, but a few times during the year, she takes our kids out of school and they take a trip to visit my wife's sister.  The trips usually last less than a week, but while she is gone, I am keenly reminded just how much I appreciate her companionship.  I miss being able to see her and talk to her.  I miss watching TV together after the kids are in bed.  I miss our lunch dates.

As companions, my wife and I have experienced trials together.  We have helped each other recover from sicknesses.  We have encouraged each other during discouraging seasons.  We offer each other our wisdom and seek to protect each other.  We are concerned for each others' welfare and we mutually sacrifice for the benefit of the other.  This is a reflection of the heart of God in our marriage.

God has also instituted marriage as the context for the procreation of children.  "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth..." was the instruction God expressed to Adam and Eve in Genesis 1:28.  Children are a good thing.  The Lord rejoices in their birth.  They aren't a punishment or a curse upon this earth.  They aren't a burden to be endured.  They are a gift to be enjoyed and a stewardship to be nurtured.

The Lord has blessed my wife and I with four children - two boys and two girls.  The longer we have been parents, the more clear it has become to us just how much a child benefits from having both a mother and a father who are actively engaged in their lives and upbringing.  We both bring something unique to the table and it brings us joy to watch our children grow in their walk with Jesus as they observe and learn from their parents.

My wife grew up in a stable household with parents who loved Jesus and sought to provide godly counsel and instruction for their children.  I grew up in a divorced household that was rather chaotic and unstable.  Both of my parents are loving people who were actively involved in my life, and my extended family is rather strong, but the experience of growing up in a context where my parents were not united, did not love each other, and struggled to cooperate definitely took it's toll on me and my sisters.  The experience I had growing up in that context is not something I would wish upon my children.  Both of my parents have grown considerably since that time and it's interesting to see how Jesus has worked in their hearts to view that season of life differently now than they did while in the midst of it.  I should also note that I have watched the Lord redeem the effects of that difficult circumstance in countless ways for His glory and our good.

Still, the ideal scenario is that children be born to a mother and a father who are united to each other in the secure covenant of marriage.  Not only is this the most practical arrangement, but it also illustrates an important facet of our "new birth" as followers of Christ.  Jesus indicated that He and the Father are one.  They are united and those who trust in Him are secure in His hand.  Jesus said, "My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.  I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand.  My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand.  I and the Father are one.”  (John 10:27-30).  As a child of God experiences life, love and security in their relationship with Him, so should our children experience a taste of that in their relationship with their parents.

A few paragraphs back I said,  "If we could see marriage from God's eyes, we would view it in an entirely new light and that understanding would prompt a different response from within us."  In addition to the fact that marriage is the sanctified union of a man and a woman for companionship and the procreation of children, there is something even grander that marriage is meant to illustrate.  Marriage is a picture of the love Jesus has for His bride, the church, and that is what we'll take time to examine next...

A picture of the love of Jesus

When my wife and I were selecting our wedding rings, we made a special request of the jeweler.  We asked him if he would engrave "Ephesians 5" on the inside of our rings (not the entire chapter, just the reference).  When we were speaking to the pastor who officiated for our wedding, we requested that he emphasize the teaching of "Ephesians 5" in his wedding message.  As followers of Jesus, this chapter of the Bible has a special place in our marriage.  Ephesians 5 explains that marriage between a man and a woman is designed by God to be a visible illustration of the love of Jesus for His church.

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”  This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.  However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.  (Ephesians 5:31-33)

Everyone who trusts in Jesus to be their God and Savior is rescued by Him and immediately becomes part of a spiritual body called "the church."  Jesus loves His church.  Scripture even refers to the church as Jesus' "bride" (Rev. 19:7).  So if the church is the bride of Christ, what kind of care do you suppose we can expect to receive from Him?  How does the perfect Husband treat His chosen bride?

Jesus gave Himself up for the church.  "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her," (Eph. 5:25).  With unselfish devotion, Jesus showed His bride that He loved her by "giving himself up for her."  Just think about that for a second.  There is nothing that Jesus was lacking in Heaven.  He was surrounded by perfection.  He wasn't in pain.  He didn't hunger.  He wasn't surrounded by people spitting on him, ripping out His beard, slapping His face, whipping Him and nailing Him to a cross.  In Heaven, He was surrounded by perfection, yet in the midst of that, He witnessed humanity - His most precious creation - suffering under the crushing burden of their sin.  In love, He gave up that which was rightfully His so that He could come and suffer in the place of His bride.  He endured the death-penalty for sin that we deserved, paying our debt completely, so that through faith in Him our crushing burden would be lifted and we would be forgiven.  Then, after dying in His bride's place, Jesus rose from the grave and He shares His victory over death, sin and Satan with His church.  This truly is good news.  We would have no hope, peace or lasting joy apart from what He has graciously shared with us and accomplished on our behalf.

That's a pretty hefty standard for husbands to measure themselves by.  Frequently I have heard men say that they would die for their wives.  That sounds great, but most of the time we picture that taking place in one final moment of glory where we bravely dive in front of a speeding bullet to save our wife's life or push her out of the way as a train comes barreling down the tracks toward her, only to get hit by the train in her place.  We would all like to think that we would do that for our wives, but it usually doesn't work that way.  More often, we say that we love our wives so much that we would die for them yet we won't let them choose the color of our car, the movie we go to see or the restaurant we eat at.  We say that we will give ourselves up for our wives, but we struggle to share access to the TV remote.

Just as Jesus gave Himself up for the church, husbands are called to give themselves up for their wives. Jesus wants us to love our brides with a selfless devotion that continually communicates the depth of our love.  In view of the nature of the love Jesus has for you, He is calling you to reflect that love like a mirror in the kind of love you show your wife.

Jesus sanctifies the church.  "that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,"  (Eph. 5:26).  Sanctification is a positional standing, a transformational process and an ultimate outcome.  There are past, present and future aspects to sanctification.  Regarding our past, Scripture reveals that the moment we trusted in Jesus, we were "sanctified" which means that we have been made holy in God's sight and set apart as His child (Col. 1:22).  We have been given the righteousness of Jesus as a gift (Rom. 3:22), and we are forevermore declared to be righteous saints because our sins have been completely forgiven (1 Cor. 1:2).

Presently, we are being gradually transformed by the Holy Spirit to reflect Jesus more and more (2 Cor. 3:18).  This is a process that occurs gradually over the course of our lives.  With the Spirit's help, the desire to live as Jesus lives and display His character and attitude is fostered in our hearts.  We love as Jesus loves.  We show mercy as Jesus shows mercy.  We show compassion as Jesus shows compassion.  This transformational process is a continual work the Lord accomplishes in the lives of all who trust in Him.

The final, future aspect of our sanctification occurs once our earthly bodies die and we are given new bodies that are sinless and incorruptible (Phil. 3:21).  We will live forever in Jesus's presence as His sinless bride.

In view of the fact that Jesus sets apart His bride as holy in His sight - cleansing her of all sin, how should husbands apply this truth to their wives?  One way this could be applied to our marriages would be to keep our marriage relationships free from corruption.  There are always influences that seek to corrupt our marriages; from cultural influences that try to dilute or redefine marriage to internal influences that tempt us to drift from protecting our marriages.  But just as the marriage of Christ and His church is a sanctified union, so too should the marriage between a man and woman be kept from any form of corruption that might seek to derail the union.

Jesus presents the church to Himself without stain or blemish.  "so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish."  (Eph. 5:27).  Jesus changes us.  He forgives us and imparts His holiness to us.  He doesn't just clean us up, He makes us brand new.  Then He shows us off.

I still remember the first time I had the opportunity to introduce Andrea, my future wife to my father.  Soon after we started dating, my Dad came down to visit us at our college.  He had heard me talk about Andrea for weeks and now he was finally meeting her.  He was impressed with her and congratulated me on the fact that I was able to convince a girl like her to actually date me.  I'm still amazed that worked out too.  In my mind, Andrea was perfect.  I couldn't see a thing wrong with her and I showed her off to everyone.  "Hey everyone....look who I got!  Can you believe this girl actually likes me?  Crazy,... I know!"

Jesus loves us deeply and He isn't ashamed to call us His bride.  Husbands need to incorporate this level of love as they relate to their wives.  In view of the fact that Jesus cherishes us and isn't looking at us for our faults or keeping a record of our errors and mistakes, husbands should likewise reflect this same level of grace and mercy toward their wives.  Of course our wives will at times make mistakes, as will we, but if the mindset of Jesus is what governs our homes, we'll more easily be able to forgive and look past those errors.  We'll stop keeping score and start realizing that our wives are a treasure entrusted to us by the One who isn't ashamed to call them His bride.  "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.  (Prov. 18:22)

Ephesians 5 ends with this challenge, "However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."  (Eph. 5:33).  Husbands, we are called to love our wives with the sacrificial love of Jesus and wives are called to respect their husbands with a heart and mind that reflects the nature of the relationship of the church to Jesus.  Frankly, it is much easier for wives to respect husbands who love like Jesus and likewise easier for husbands to show love to wives who respect them.

But what does it look like for a wife to respect her husband in a way that honors Jesus?  We'll take some time to examine that next .....

Submission

Few words elicit as strong a reaction in the context of marriage as the word "submit."  Years ago, I was officiating for the wedding of a couple that I knew very well.  During the course of the wedding ceremony I read from Ephesians 5, as I do every time I officiate.  One of the most misunderstood parts of that passage states the following, "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands."  (Eph. 5:22-24).  When I referenced the concept of submission, I watched the bride visibly wince.  She looked rather angry and her expression created a mental picture that I don't think I'll ever forget.  Unfortunately, their marriage did not last very long.  Both husband and wife gradually became more selfish and self-absorbed.  Their hearts hardened toward each other and they gave up on their marriage.

When I ask people, especially women, to tell me why the concept of submission sounds scary to them, they often share descriptions of domineering people who abused and distorted it into something that it is not meant to be.  We have all interacted with people who possessed harsh and arrogant personalities.  We all know control-freaks.  These are the images that most often come to mind when women in our culture are asked for their opinions on the subject of submission.  I can sympathize with how they feel.  They have a legitimate fear of being demeaned, taken advantage of, controlled, stifled and undervalued.  I have two daughters and I bristle at the thought of someone treating them like they were second-class citizens or crushing their spirit in any way.

Jesus values women and so should every man who has the privilege to marry one of His daughters.  He doesn't take lightly the way we treat our wives and He has cautioned us through His inspired word that men can expect to be held accountable for how they treat their wives.  1 Peter 5:5 tells us, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”  And 1 Peter 3:7 explains that husbands are to live with their wives in an understanding way and show them honor "so that your prayers may not be hindered."  So it's made clear to men in several ways that if they lack humility and are disrespectful both in how they treat their wives and exercise leadership in their home, God will actively remedy the situation and the man will wish he had been more thoughtful and considerate.

Marriage is meant to serve as a visible picture of the love of Jesus for His church.  Jesus is the loving, compassionate, just, strong, nurturing head of the church.  He chose His bride.  He loves His bride.  He protects and defends His bride.  He provides for His bride and He leads His bride with grace, mercy and righteousness.  The response of His bride is to be one of joyful submission to His leadership.  Knowing that He is actively working for our good and keeping in mind that He gave Himself up for us, the concept of submitting to Jesus should be a delight to us.  But our old nature is strong and it battles against the desires of our new nature.  Instead of joyfully submitting to Jesus, we, His bride, have a strong tendency to go our own way and ignore the loving leadership of Christ.  Naturally speaking, we do not excel at the practice of submission, even submission to our Savior.

Our struggle to submit finds a way to creep into our marriages as well.  Jesus has called husbands to represent Him and serve as agents of His loving leadership in their homes.  Jesus has called wives to represent the object of His affection, the church, in their homes.  As the church is called to respect and submit to the leadership of Jesus, wives are called to submit to the leadership of their husbands in the home.  In our culture, that is a strongly resisted concept and I'm sure that statement would sound offensive to many people, even though I don't mean it to be.  Most often, it's an offensive concept to us because we don't really know how to implement it.

Submission involves esteeming and elevating the leadership of someone else.  It means to honor, yield to and carry out the decisions of the leader.  It involves showing genuine respect and requires a high level of trust.  It is always easier to submit to the leadership of those who are mindful of the fact that they must likewise submit to Jesus.  When husbands are allowing Jesus to develop their hearts and motivations to mirror His, they tend to lead well and their leadership is valued and appreciated by their wives and children.  When husbands forget that Jesus will hold them accountable for how they treat their wives, they get off track and behave selfishly instead of serving sacrificially.

Submission does not mean a wife cannot express her insights and opinion.  It does not devalue her role as a leader in the home.  It should result in her feeling honored, cared for, sacrificed for, provided for and protected.

I appreciate the ways that I see this work out in my household.  My wife and I are both oldest children.  As such, we both have "take charge" kinds of personalities.  In most contexts of life both prior to marriage and since becoming married, we were both frequently called upon to serve in roles of leadership.  How can you merge two personalities like ours into one household without experiencing a ridiculous amount of conflict?  The answer is that it requires the intervention of Jesus and heavy doses of His grace, mercy and humility in how we have learned to relate to each other.

Because my wife and I both take Ephesians 5 seriously, we make it a point to try to live out the pattern expressed in that chapter.  I seek to lovingly lead our household and she seeks to joyfully respect my leadership.  This works when both parties are convinced that the other is seeking what is in their best interest and sacrificing for their good.  I try not to be an inconsiderate jerk and she tries not to undercut my authority.  We treat my decisions as the "final word" on the subject, but I don't make those decisions without seeking her input and advice.  In humility, we seek to put each other first.  As objects of the love of Jesus, we desire to demonstrate His unconditional love toward each other in the ways that we are called to lead and submit.

Here's an interesting twist to the concept of submission.  It's clear that Christ has called men to serve as the "head" of their households.  Leadership isn't for the faint of heart.  All good leaders quickly learn that the word "leader" is really just a synonym for "chief servant."  A careful reading of Ephesians 5 reveals that it isn't only the task of the wife to submit, but the husband is expected to submit as well.  In fact, every person who is part of the church is called to be actively "submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ."  (Eph. 5:21).  This applies to every relationship among believers and should stand out prominently within every Christian marriage.

The only perfect marriage is the marriage Jesus shares with His church.  Our earthly marriages struggle to match that example, but a marriage that chooses not to incorporate a healthy understanding of the important role of humble, mutual submission, is destined to experience serious disappointment and heartache - much of which is preventable.

Submission as it is described in Scripture is a beautiful concept that gives us a glimpse of an important aspect of the healthy relationship that Christ desires with His church.  Another foundational element of our relationship with Jesus that should be reflected in our marriages is the concept of "commitment" and that's what we'll examine next.....

Commitment

Before getting married, we all daydream about what the perfect relationship will look like.  Many of the relational aspects of life that we feel are lacking, we hope to find in our marriages.  If we grew up in a home where there was a lot of conflict, we hope to have a peaceful marriage.  If we have been struggling with loneliness, we enter marriage with great hopes of experiencing joyful companionship.  If we live in a world where we feel misunderstood, we dream of a spouse who will understand us.  Likewise, if we struggle with depression or discouragement, we hope that our spouse will value and encourage us.  We have high expectations of the person we marry.  It's hard not to.

When I sit down with couples who come to me for premarital counseling, I make a point to ask them the question, "Does God's Word tell us to marry the one we love or love the one we marry?"  Then I make it clear that there is a right and wrong answer to that question.  What would your answer be?

When I was a child, I only knew of a few families that were impacted by divorce, my family being one of them.  Over time, I have witnessed the impact of divorce continue to grow.  Right off the top of my head, I can list several couples whose marriages lasted less than a year.  I think part of the problem is that we don't understand what it means to love the one we marry.

To love someone means to actively seek what is best for them, even at great personal cost to yourself.  Love isn't the same thing as attraction or infatuation.  True love doesn't come with a list of conditions or prerequisites that must be met.  When we "marry the one we love", what we usually mean by that is that we "marry the one we are currently attracted to" or we "marry the one who seems to have something to offer me."  That's a very shaky foundation to try to build a life-long commitment on.

When we "love the one we marry," we are committing to actively seek what is best for our spouse even if it costs us something.  And it will always cost us something.  Love requires sacrifice.  It necessitates a high degree of selflessness.  In the deepest sense, it cannot be accomplished through the force of the will or mere human effort.  True love is empowered by faith in Jesus.

The Bible tells us that before we were rescued by Jesus, we were "enemies" of God (Rom. 5:10).  I don't know about you, but I don't naturally tend to feel very warm toward my enemies.  Yet Jesus chose to show us His love by actively seeking what was best for us, at great personal cost to Himself, even though we were His enemies.  He did so because He is the perfection of love.  His love is not temperamental.  It isn't predicated on whether or not He can get something from us in return.  It is undeserved from start to finish because the only thing we deserve from Him is condemnation and permanent separation.

Marriage is messy.  We go into it with very high expectations, but those expectations often come crashing back down to reality once we get a taste of what married life is really like.  We claim to love each other, yet we're selfish, offensive, hurtful, ignorant and careless.  Frequently we demand more than we give.  We insist on perfection from our spouse and glaze over our own imperfections.  Over time, this can lead to us drifting further and further from the promise we made to God to remain committed to our spouse regardless of the circumstances.

I know of a woman whose husband left her when she developed multiple sclerosis.  Though he promised God that he would remain committed to his wife, regardless of whatever trials they might experience together, he left her when she needed him most.  I know of a man who struggles to provide financially for his family.  His wife openly shares that she has given serious consideration to leaving him on multiple occasions because he doesn't line up with her image of the "ideal man" and she doesn't think he's a very good example to their sons.  This is what happens when a couple's level of commitment is directly tied to how they expect to personally benefit from their relationship.

In Hebrews 13:4 we are told to "Let marriage be held in honor among all..."  And in the very next verse, God says of Himself, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."  (Heb. 13:5).  The heart of God is one of commitment, not abandonment.  The heart of God is one of steadfast and faithful love even though His bride could never match His level of faithfulness.  God's heart for our marriages is that they mirror His loving commitment.

When I was a new pastor, I received a call early in the week from a woman who wanted me to officiate for her wedding that Friday.  I was surprised to get such an abrupt request and I explained to her that I couldn't help her because I required advanced notice as well as a series of premarital counseling sessions in the months leading up to the wedding.  Then she said, "Oh, I won't need those.  This is my fourth wedding.  I know all there is to know about marriage.  There isn't anything about marriage that I haven't seen."  I kept myself from bursting out in laughter - partially because that was one of the saddest statements I had ever heard.  She claimed that she knew everything about marriage, yet she never learned how to commit to one man for life.

Merging two individual lives together into a marriage relationship isn't easy.  We all have our own unique preferences and we can all be demanding at times.  Our spouses are a gift from God to us, but they are far from perfect.  By nature, they cannot satisfy the longing in our hearts that is meant to be fully satisfied by our relationship with Jesus.  In the meantime, we need to rely on His power and grace to overpower our selfishness so that we can make it to the end - fully committed to remain true to our spouse under every circumstance.

The road we walk in married life is bumpy.  There are many struggles that can test or strain our level of commitment to each other.  One of the more obvious struggles that we face is developing a healthy level of communication and that's what we'll take time to examine next.....

Communication

One of my more embarrassing moments in college came when I discovered that some of my friends overheard an argument I was having with my future wife.  Very early in our dating, we realized that it was likely that we were going to get married so we often entertained discussions about our future.  These talks were a lot of fun, especially because we seemed to agree on almost everything.  We both became used to the agreeable nature of these conversations and we came to expect it.  That changed when we ventured into the subject of pets.

I don't remember if I started the conversation or if she did, but I was very surprised to discover that Andrea and I had different opinions on whether or not we should get a dog when we were married.  As I spoke to her from the phone in my dorm room, I noticed that our initial difference in opinion quickly escalated into a heated argument.  I expressed what I wanted and she expressed what she wanted.  I was oblivious to the fact that my roommates were listening to what I said and I imagine it probably sounded ridiculous to them that we were arguing about whether or not to get a dog in three years, after we got married.  When I cooled down, I felt pretty embarrassed - especially after my friends started busting on me.

One of the more difficult aspects of marriage to adjust to can be learning how to communicate with each other.  The truth is, we're always communicating.  Some couples do this well.  Others don't.

Primarily, when we think of communication, we're focused on the words that we say, but communication isn't exclusively verbal.  We communicate with our posture, tone, glances, glares, shrugs, proximity, smirks, and smiles.  What message are you currently communicating to your spouse?  Is it one of love, acceptance, security and respect or is your spouse picking up on something different?

There are similarities and differences in the ways my wife and I naturally communicate to each other.  Many of the arguments that took place in the early years of our relationship were exacerbated by the fact that we didn't understand each other as well as we thought we did.  We struggled to identify with each others' perspectives and often spent more time trying to get our own way or prove a point than listen to the concerns that were being expressed.

In many marriages, disagreements quickly turn into verbal boxing matches.  Jabs are thrown to make your point.  Punches are blocked when you're feeling defensive.  You dance around the ring just long enough to make your spouse tired.  You duck so some of the punches aimed at you miss their mark.  You look for elements of their argument that seem weak and you keep hitting those sore spots.  You intimidate them and discourage them by bringing up all their past mistakes.  Then, when the moment is right, you go for the knock-out punch and they give up the fight.  For a moment, you feel like a winner, but healthy marriages have two winners.  So you may have won the round, but ultimately your marriage lost the match.

Many of us choose to communicate with our spouse from our old sinful nature instead of our new nature in Christ.  Our old nature fights from the defensive posture of "enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy..."  (Gal. 5:20-21).  But our new nature exhibits the fruit of the Holy Spirit - evidence that we have freedom and new life in Jesus.  When we communicate in our new nature, we respond with "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control..." (Gal. 5:22-23).  When my wife and I disagree, we find it helpful to ask ourselves the question, "What's missing in this conversation?"  Sometimes we discover that we aren't responding to each other with love.  Other times we discover that we aren't speaking very kindly to each other.  On many occasions, we have realized that the way we phrased our opinions wasn't very gentle in nature.  With the Lord's help, we are seeking to respond to each other in the Spirit as opposed to the old sinful nature.

Since marriage is meant to be a picture of the love of Jesus for His church, we should foster an environment in our homes that mirrors the way Jesus communicates with His church.  In the Gospel of Mark, Jesus said, "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."  (Mark 11:28-30).  Jesus has communicated that He is gentle and humble.  He is approachable and quick to forgive.  He isn't seeking to overburden us, but rather allows us to cast our burdens on Him.  He knows we are not perfect and He makes sure that we know that we don't have to be perfect to be loved by Him.  Is it too much of Jesus to ask those who have benefitted from His love to respond to their spouse in a manner that reflects the way Jesus has responded to them?

There are many ways to apply the gentleness and humility that Jesus expressed to our marriages.  Over time, my wife and I have been learning helpful ways to consider the attitude of Jesus in the ways that we respond to each other.  One way that I see this being expressed is a growing willingness to admit when we're wrong.  We used to find this very difficult to do, but as we observe and experience the benefits of being willing to accept that we aren't always 100% right, all the time, this is becoming easier.

It's also good to create an environment where it's safe to confess your mistakes.  Jesus has made it clear to His followers that we can come to Him with repentant hearts for He rejoices when we walk toward Him and away from our rebellion.  Some couples really struggle to admit their mistakes to each other.  They may fear that their spouse may hold a grudge or keep some sort of a mental record of their wrongs.  It's also possible that they may feel that their mistake is so far over the line that bringing it into the light might prove devastating to the perceived stability of the marriage.  But if you want to foster a mature, healthy marriage, it's important to build an environment where it isn't perceived as devastating to admit one's faults.  One of the best ways to create that environment is to make sure that you are a safe person for your spouse to admit their mistakes to.  You can't control what they do or how they respond to you, but you can help set a tone that mirrors the heart of Jesus.

It's also important to take ample time to listen.  Many couples experience communication problems because they define communication strictly in the realm of verbal expression.  Yet Scripture reveals to us that our God eagerly listens to those He loves.  We're told, "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God," (Phil. 4:6).  Jesus hears us and He reminds us that He's listening.  Remind your spouse that you're listening to them.

Marriages that foster a healthy, Christ-centered level of communication often see great benefits in other areas as well.  If this is an area that you're really struggling with, take time to meditate on the nature of how Christ communicates with you and allow Him to begin to communicate through you in both word and action, for the benefit of your spouse and the health of your marriage.

Money

Has there ever been a time when you felt like you had just enough money in your bank account and you really weren't interested in having a little more? I don't think most people feel like they need less money. No matter what state our finances are at, we usually find ourselves aiming toward getting just a little bit more. We're convinced that somehow our hearts will be satisfied once we reach a certain level of income or assets, yet most of us never actually come to a point in time when we say, "Ok, that's enough." We struggle to be content and our inability to be content impacts our marriages in more ways than we may initially realize.

Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5)

Our hearts will never be content until we are satisfied that Jesus is enough. As long as we are convinced that something else has the ability to bring us lasting peace and joy, we will expend our time and energy to acquire it. We will learn to love whatever we believe has that power.

That is why the writer of Hebrews reminds us to keep our lives free from the love of money. Money is a useful tool, but it makes a terrible god. The love and worship of money has destroyed many lives throughout history and is currently at the root of great misery today. This is the case in our culture at large as well as in our individual homes.

Money is an issue that many families stress over continually. Will there be enough this month to meet our obligations? Will we be consumed with debt? What happens if we have an emergency? What if I can't work anymore? Those are all reasonable questions to ask, but for some of us, these questions consume the majority of our thoughts on a day-to-day basis.

Before Jesus ascended back to heaven, He shared an important word of encouragement with His disciples. He said, "And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age" (Matthew 28:20). He was informing them and us that He is present with His followers. He isn't going to abandon us. He knows we have needs and concerns, but He also knows that He is what we need most. He alone can satisfy the deepest craving of our soul. Nothing can adequately substitute for the lasting contentment our souls are designed to find in Him.

But if we're convinced that money can bring us contentment, we'll pursue getting more of it - even to the detriment of our health, marriage and family relationships. This process can play out in a variety of ways, but it often looks like this: The husband and wife are earning income from their profession(s). That income allows them to experience a particular standard of living. They begin accruing some additional debt because they are convinced that they "need" to be living at a higher standard in order to be truly happy. Small debt becomes large debt. They buy a bigger house with a larger mortgage. They buy newer cars with higher payments. They buy nicer clothes and toys with a credit card. They take more elaborate vacations and also pay for them with credit. The cycle continues for years and the day inevitably comes when they realize that they are obligated to repay so much debt that it's hard to imagine what life was like without it. They have become slaves to their debt and now they're consumed with anxiety. Arguments about money become more common because they're stressed. They have less time for each other and their children because they need to spend as much time as possible earning money so they can pay off their creditors or even acquire more things.

This isn't a healthy cycle, but many couples can identify with it because they are living through it. I have personally experienced it as well and still find myself tempted to drift in that direction. Our wandering hearts need to be reminded to be content with Jesus or else we will try to find contentment elsewhere.

Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content. But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. (1 Timothy 6:6-9)

A marriage that isn't consumed with a love for money, but rather is content with what they have in Jesus experiences life without being overburdened with obligations to the cruel idol of debt. This affords them greater opportunities to be generous with what the Lord has entrusted to them instead of covetous of the things they think they would prefer. Likewise, it affords them additional time that they can spend together as a couple and with their children. It's a cycle of living that isn't centered on anxiety and arguments, but rather joy in the secure knowledge that real satisfaction can only be found in the presence of Christ.

For many of us, this is a lesson that we have had the learn the hard way. And along the journey, there have been many debates and arguments with our spouses. When those tense moments surface, we can choose to hold grudges against each other or we can work toward reconciliation - remembering that through Jesus, we have been reconciled to God.

Some final thoughts

Building a marriage that is centered on the Gospel is not necessarily an easy task, nor is it something that can be accomplished in our own power.  We must continually rely on Jesus to supply us with the power that we need for this task.

When our times of testing and difficulty come, we can choose to respond to our spouse in a worldly and fleshly manner, or we can respond in such a manner that exhibits the grace of Jesus.  For our marriages to be healthy, there is no other option than to apply His Gospel to every area of concern.

In an era that has lost the understanding of what marriage truly is, Christ is calling us to serve as shining lights - examples to others of His genuine love.  May our marriages truly be illustrations of His love for His bride, the church, and may our children experience a living example of the nature of Christ's loving heart through their observance of our love, commitment, communication, mutual submission, respect and the handling of every stewardship He entrusts to our care.

Table of Contents

Copyright

Preface

Centering your marriage on the Gospel

What is Marriage?

A picture of the love of Jesus

Submission

Commitment

Communication

Money

Some final thoughts