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Dedication

Introduction

Part 1: You and Jesus

Challenge 1: Hold onto Peace

Challenge 2: Be Vigilant of Untruth

Challenge 3: Avoid Believing the “If Lie”

Challenge 4: Believe in Faith but Respond with Surrender

Challenge 5: Allow Delight to Change Desires

Challenge 6: Avoid Marriage (and Men) Becoming Idols

Challenge 7: Stop Condemning Yourself (But Examine Your Heart)

Challenge 8: Discern if You are Being Called

Challenge 9: Accept the Gift

Challenge 10: Prevent a Tarnished Past from Clouding a Clean Future

Challenge 11: Allow the Holy Spirit to Guide Your List

Part 2: You and Others

Challenge 12: Get in a Community that Will Grow You

Challenge 13: Find a Mentor

Challenge 14: Go to Church Even Though It’s Lonely

Challenge 15: Use Your Life for Something Big

Part 3: You and Men

Challenge 16: Don’t Chase Boys

Challenge 17: Use Online Dating Services Wisely

Challenge 18: Make Sure You’re Equally Yoked

Challenge 19: Pursue Marriage

Challenge 20: Discern if He’s “The One”

Challenge 21: Don’t Try to Save Him

Challenge 22: Know the Sex Trap Well

Challenge 23: Find the Sex Line

Challenge 24: Take Responsibility for Your Heart

Challenge 25: Be the Apple on Top

Acknowledgements

About the Author

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Notes

This book is dedicated to all single women based on my life verse:

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Genesis 50:20

May you find peace in Jesus now so that you can look back at these years with joy – and without recovery.

The day finally came. I say “finally” because that’s exactly how I felt. As I walked down the long aisle of the chapel in my white, princess dress, one arm linked with my father’s, and a veil covering my face, a heavy rolling suitcase followed. At the time I did not feel the weight from pulling it, but looking back at the pictures I see it so clearly. The years leading up to my wedding day wise people warned me that this suitcase would be there if I wasn’t careful, but I thought I was different, so I just smiled and nodded and continued to stuff it full - full of expectations, full of idols, full of control, and full of regret.

And now I am recovering.

Everybody goes into marriage carrying luggage. We live in a fallen world, and all that we have experienced, and even what other people have experienced, we carry with us.  Then we try to recover. As Christians we know that the Cross makes recovery possible. Recovery begins now as we wait for full recovery in Heaven.

You will always be recovering, but the luggage you carry with you into your future does not have to be stuffed so full that you need a rolling suitcase. You can carry a backpack. Or maybe even a small, dainty purse. And the bonus? That small, dainty purse can be filled with peace.

We are deceived in believing that peace in our lives is only present when the circumstances surrounding us create an atmosphere of peace. The truth is that any peace we feel strictly from our environment is temporary and fleeting. Our circumstances will change, but our peace can be permanent despite of the changes. However, this is only possible in a life surrendered daily to Jesus.

Fall for Him is a book where I share my insights after years of living a Christian, single life.  It is what I wish I had known or wish I had listened to.  It is what I would tell a future daughter in her single years as she prepares for God’s calling upon her life. Each chapter is divided into “challenges” because for me that is exactly what I experienced – challenge. There is not a magic formula for peace where once you have it you have it forever. Peace comes through a daily surrendering of our challenges to God. Please do not approach this as a quick fix type of book. It is not that, and you will be grossly disappointed. There will be an ebb and flow of your emotions and the challenges you struggle with each day. As each day presents its new struggles, embrace those, surrender them, and thank God for His almighty power to allow you to experience His peace.

My prayer is that you know you are fully loved, cherished, and chosen by Christ, that you accept His sovereignty and love for you, and that you are involved in relationships so that you can live a peace-filled life. There will probably be times that you do not like what I write, and that is o.k. I pray to challenge you and hold you accountable because during my single years this is what I needed, and I love you enough to say the hard things to you.

My prayer is that your recovery is small enough to fit into a small purse or possibly, by the grace of God, there will be no recovery at all, and you will go into God’s calling for you fully equipped to live the abundant life he has prepare. And in the meantime you will experience His supernatural peace.

When I was a senior in high school I had a class in which the teacher gave us a final two-part assignment. The first part was to write a letter to ourselves entitled “Me in Ten Years”. We were to put our letters into a self-addressed envelope and in ten years our teacher promised to mail the letters back to us.

The second part of the assignment was to choose three goals we had written about in our letters, write them down on a small piece of paper, and put the paper inside an inflated balloon. On the last day of class we released the balloons full of our dreams into the air.

As I watched my dream-filled balloon ascend into oblivion that warm spring day, only weeks before graduation, I was not aware of what subtly slipped away with it.

Just as promised, ten years later the letter to myself arrived in the mail. Now twenty-eight years old I sat on the floor of my one bedroom apartment, opened the envelope, and began to read. From the first sentence tears began to flow. The girl behind the words was now a woman left remembering the balloon that not only carried away her dreams, but also her peace.

Throughout those ten years I searched for peace, tried to grab it, even capturing it for a moment, only to let go again and watch it get further and further away. My balloon carried dreams that I had accomplished, the ones I could control, but it was the heart-dreams, the ones that held my passions, my purpose, my identity, that were left untouched. My heart-dreams defined me. They are the ones I would fight and give up everything to keep. But they were also the ones that I had no control over. My heart-dreams were to be a wife and a mother.

I sat there on the floor left with one question: Is Peace Possible?

How does a woman who was designed by God with innate desires to be a wife and mother and who has Godly desires to serve through building a Spirit-filled home find peace with disconnected circumstances?

There are a few things she must understand:

Peace does not come from met desires.

In all met desires there comes a time when even the best becomes worst.  For instance, too much of the best meal becomes the worst stomach ache.  The best shopping spree becomes a mound of bills.  And the best man that ever lived becomes the person that hurts you to your core.  Happiness is what our face shows in the midst of all of those wonderful “bests”, but peace is how our soul sustains us when they take a turn for the worse.  Peace is the anchor that holds us firm through the times that we have our desires met and the times that our met desires disappoint us.  The only place to receive this peace is through having Jesus fill up your soul.

Jesus’ peace is supernatural.

Peace is not the same as happiness. In my early thirties I finally got to a place of peace in my singleness, but I was still not happy about it. I did not want marriage and children any less than I had ten years earlier. I still prayed and begged God to bless me in this way. I still got angry and cried and screamed. However, I began to choose to believe that Jesus loves me more than I could ever imagine, that He knows what’s best for me, and that no matter my circumstances He will take care of me. Through believing these truths, and saying them over and over again, the door was opened for me to experience supernatural peace. The kind of peace where the world around you is coming down, crashing and burning, but you stand, still mourning and aware, yet with an untouched spirit.

Peace is a result of daily surrendering.

I am constantly searching for the one-prayer-fixes-everything approach to finding peace. This is something I still seek! But I know that this is not typically how God works. Yes, God is a God of miracles. He does and can answer prayers immediately and miraculously. However, more than answering our prayers, He wants our hearts to be sold-out for Him, and this typically takes place through a daily surrendering of ourselves. I never woke up and said to myself, “I love being single! I want to be single forever.” But I did wake up and say, “If I am single forever, I will still choose You, O, God. Your ways are perfect. I love you more than myself, and I want Your peace over all else.” The next day when I was in the middle of a good cry, I would say it again. And the next day I would say it again. Every day I laid it down.

My Challenge was to replace my dream-filled balloon with God’s dream-filled balloon for me while also holding on to God’s peace. Today, single friends, this is my Challenge to you.

Today, Lord, I ask you for courage to surrender my dreams to you.  I am not asking for courage in order to let go of my dreams or forget about them or even change them at this point, but I am asking so that I can offer them to you so that you can work through them – so that you can do with them as you will. Please, Lord, allow me to experience your supernatural peace as I surrender to you.

“Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you.” 2 Thessalonians 3:16

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, be prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:4-7

“Then he said to them all: ‘Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.’” Luke 9:23

1. Do you believe peace is possible?

2. Read Isaiah 9:6: “For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”

3. Does this verse change your belief about peace?

4. If Jesus is the Prince of Peace, then where must we go to find peace?

Our minds are where the lies of untruths take root and then start to grow, growing so large that our hearts start to follow, and then our actions.  So our world becomes a book of decisions based on pretenses that are not reality but have become reality for us.  After all, that’s what we’re living, and that’s all we see.

This is the enemy’s triumph – getting us to not only believe a lie but live out a lie – because then he can keep us right there in that place with all of those thoughts of doubt.

Something has to be wrong with me.

I am going to have to change if I’m ever going to meet someone.

The only choice I have is to settle.

I must be really self-centered.

I can’t do anything right.

Maybe I’ll just pretend to be who he wants me to be.

I have to take matters into my own hands.

The untruth that the enemy was most successful at getting me to believe was that I had to become whomever the person I was with wanted me to become so that I could keep him.  I remember dating this one person. He was an extroverted guy, the life of the party, and that’s what he liked to spend a lot of his free time doing.  It’s important to mention that  he was thirty-five years old at this time, and yes, I did meet him at church, so that should have been a red-flag right there.  Not that he liked to have fun, but that he spent a lot of time having fun at an age when typically life needs to be more focused.  And I can’t honestly say that the kind of fun he was having was God-honoring.

But I deliberately ignored that red-flag because he was someone; right?  He was handsome, had a good job, had a house, and was from the south like me.  I would be crazy to let this opportunity slip by me.

I viewed him as an opportunity. A means to an end to get what I wanted – what I wanted more than God – a life outside of my four apartment walls. A life with a husband and a yard surrounding a home with a few children running through it.

So in my efforts to land this opportunity I metamorphed into someone else.  A person he just might keep around.  As a result, I lost myself and even more tragically my close relationship with God.

If I was being vigilant when the lie that I would have to change to get a man set root in my mind, then I could have dispelled these lies before they became a part of my heart and turned into actions.

The first step when being vigilant of untruth is to be able to recognize it quickly.  The moment these thoughts come into your mind you stop and say to yourself, “No, I know that is not true.  I know that does not align with God’s Word or what He says about me.” The quicker you can recognize an untruth, the quicker you can then replace it with God’s truth.

At first it may seem like every thought you have you are dispelling out of your mind.  Those roots grow deep and multiply quickly. But as you retrain your mind to think on God’s truth your untrue thoughts will become fewer and fewer.

Truth Guards Your Heart

Our hearts are the innermost being of ourselves, our souls, where every intricacy lies and hides, even the parts about ourselves that we are unaware of.  God knows all of these places, though (Psalm 139:1-7). He knows our strengths and our weaknesses at their core. He knows where we will fall in an instant no matter how devoted to him we think we are (2 Corinthians 11:3). As we learn and meditate on God’s truths, He uses them to protect even the places within ourselves that we are unaware and needs that we have which we do not even know.

There are many forms that untruth can take in our minds. My Challenge to you is to begin to examine your thoughts and see if they match up to God’s Word.

Thank you, Lord, for your mercy and grace upon my life. Thank you for protecting me from the untruths I believe and the choices that come from those beliefs especially when they do not honor you. Please give me the courage to turn from those untruths, and give me the knowledge to fill that space with truth from Your Word.

“But I am afraid that just as Eve was deceived by the serpent's cunning, your minds may somehow be led astray from your sincere and pure devotion to Christ.” 2 Corinthians 11:3

“The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.” Psalm 145:18

“But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come.” John 16:13

1.  Examine your thoughts over the course of one day. What untruths do you tell yourself about who you are, your life, and your future? List out these untruths. Then, ask God to show you scripture references to replace them with His truth.

2.  When you read God’s truth from the Bible, do you truly believe it? Does unbelief hold you back from fully embracing His view of you?

Two weeks after getting married I sat in an Extended Stay hotel, squeezed my eyes shut as tight as I could, and tapped my heels together three times wishing for a rewind button.

A wedding, move to a new state, hotel for a home, no job, a new marriage, and the first big fight – about coffee. If only I could just back up and rethink. The permanency of the word “forever” just sat there in my soul. I imagined taking one big step backward and magically stepping into my one bedroom apartment, all by myself.

One of the lies that we believe as single women, and as women in general, is the “If Lie”. “If I was married, if I had a boyfriend, if I lived in a different city, if, if, if”. The “If Lie” is one of Satan’s greatest schemes to keep us away from Jesus’ supernatural peace. He knows that if we focus on finding contentment in God in the present, then we will be equipped for glorious service for Him. Peace allows us to be sure in what God created us to be and how to serve Him in the ways He created us to serve.

Peace in God is one of Satan’s biggest threats. Peace is our defense.

Jesus knew that we would be tempted by the “If Lie”. He proclaimed this truth plainly without room for misinterpretation.

“Jesus answered this for us. ‘Here on earth you will have may trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.’” John 16:33 NLT

Here on earth, we will have trials and sorrows. Here on earth. Listen closely to these words. As long as we are breathing here on this earth, we will have trials and sorrows. So when we are children we will have trials and sorrows. When we are teenagers we will have trials and sorrows. When we are single adults we will have trials and sorrows. When we are married we will have trials and sorrows. When we are parents we will have trials and sorrows. When we are working we will have trials and sorrows. When we are retired we will have trials and sorrows. The moment we take our last breath we will have trials and sorrows.

As a single woman I believed the “If Lie”. I focused on a future life as a married woman where all of my loneliness, insecurities, fears, and unmet desires would suddenly vanish with those two words of “I do”. Then I found myself sitting on the side of a bed in an Extended Stay hotel, married, and feeling the same way I did single.

“But take heart!” Take heart, dear Sisters in Christ! Jesus did not give us these words to leave us discouraged! These are words of comfort! These words are our gift of peace! Jesus gave us these words so that when we are sitting there, alone, longing for companionship, intimacy, love, security, acceptance, we will not be surprised. He said it will be this way, and so it is.

Then He gives us the “I”. “I” – “Jesus” – Jesus has overcome the world. It is done. Our trials and sorrows are overcome. But it is in the “I”. To receive the gift, the peace from our trials and sorrows being overcome, we have to be in the “I”. We have to be in Jesus!

So, what do we do when those “ifs” start invading our thoughts.  Remember, “Here on earth we will have trials and sorrows”. This will keep our minds on Christ so that we can experience His peace and be equipped to serve Him, and it will help us to be compassionate for each others’ stages of life.

I still struggle with not believing the “If Lie”. Today I Challenge you to focus on the blessings in your life so that you can guard your mind from believing that other circumstances would bring you more peace.

Lord, I know that my contentment lies only with you, but my heart does not always feel that way.  So often I look around at my circumstances and think “if only”.  Please help me to recognize these thoughts as lies and replace them with your truth.  Allow me the opportunity to experience your peace so that I can be used by you in all the ways you have planned.

“A sound mind makes for a robust body, but runaway emotions corrode the bones.” Proverbs 14:30 (The Message)

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:11-13

“Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them.” 1 Corinthians 7:17

1. In what ways do you believe the “If Lie”?

2. How do you feel this lie stealing your peace?

3. Write out a phrase, verse, or prayer that you can remember when the “If lie” creeps into your mind.

Believe in Faith

In the year of 2010 I had an experience that revealed the tightrope we walk on when trying to embrace peace. It was completely unrelated to my life as a single woman, but as I reflect on it I realize that it is the secret to peace. If I had walked in it during my single years, then I would have found God’s supernatural peace.

My husband of only two years, the husband who I waited on, prayed and even begged God for, was very, very sick during the summer of 2010. He was dying. At one point, while in the hospital waiting for a donor heart for a heart transplant, his heart stopped in the elevator on the way to surgery to be put on life support. He was that sick.

Jesus told me to pray in absolute faith (1 John 5:14-15).

And I did.

Jesus told me to pray like my husband was already healed, and He would move the mountain (Mark 11:22-24; Matthew 17:20).

And so I did.

Jesus told me to pray in His name (John 14:13-14).

And I did that too.

On one side of the tightrope was faith.

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1

I prayed knowing that God would heal my husband. I prayed for him to be healed for no other reason than to bring God glory. I prayed believing that God had the most perfect plan for my husband and for me – in life and in death.

As single women we must have faith that God hears ours prayers and has answered them. God wants us to bring our requests to Him believing that they are already answered because from an eternal standpoint, they are. Our earthly, physical desire is for a husband, a person. But what is down deeper? What is the true emotional and spiritual desire past the physical? God knows all of this. He sees all of this. He answers all of this.

Respond with Surrender

In a small room on the seventh floor of the hospital where my husband laid dying I sat with the hospital chaplain. Sobbing. Sobbing so hard that I gulped for each breath of air. And I said to her, "I must not have enough. I must not have enough faith. I must not truly believe deep, deep down."

She held my hand, paused, and looked at me. "Then what do you call this?"

Faith is not only believing that God can do what you're asking Him to do, but it's also responding to Him in such a way that you believe Him.

Surrender. The other side of the tightrope.

I sat in the waiting room a few hours later, my husband in surgery, and I laid his life down, literally, at Jesus' feet. These were my words,

"Jesus, I want John here with me. I don't want you to take him. But if you need him in Heaven, if it's time for him to be with you, and if this is how you need your purposes to be fulfilled, then I give him to you right now. Jesus, He is not mine. He is yours. You love me. You know what is best for me. I lay him down now."

The response to faith is surrender. In this balance between responding in faith and laying down in surrender we experience God's supernatural peace.

“Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.” Matthew 6:33 (The Message)

I wish I had known this when I was single.

As a single woman your faith will show in your ability to lay your desire for marriage down and surrender it.

Does that mean you do not talk to God about it and pray for it and ask for it? No.

Does that mean that you never get frustrated and angry? No.

Does that mean you will not have to lay it down every day possibly and some days more than once? No.

What it means is that every time you turn back to God and acknowledge His desires, His purposes, His will, you are responding in faith, and you are surrendering.

This is where you will find peace. I promise. Because I did.

It is time to hold on to believing that God is sovereign and He can and will answer your prayers, while at the same time letting go to His ultimate plan for you, the people around you, and this creation. This is today’s daily Challenge. It is a big one. Just acknowledge faith and surrender every day. Give Him the focus and glory.

Oh Lord, I want to believe you! I truly do!  But it is so hard when my heart yearns for something so deeply and my circumstances aren’t meeting those needs.  Lord, please meet my deep longing for a husband. Help me to have faith that moves mountains.  And just as importantly, help me to lay my life at your feet seeing only your reality, initiative, and provisions.

“So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight.” 2 Corinthians 5:6-7

“He said to them, ‘Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.’” Matthew 17:20

“The Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid? When the wicked advance against me to devour me, it is my enemies and my foes who will stumble and fall. Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then I will be confident.” Psalm 27: 1-3

“Delight yourself also in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, And He shall bring it to pass. He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, And your justice as the noonday. Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, Because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass.” Psalm 37:4-7 (NKJV)

“My times are in Your hand; Deliver me from the hand of my enemies, And from those who persecute me.” Psalm 31:15 (NKJV)

“Do not think that I came to bring peace on earth. I did not come to bring peace but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man’s enemies will be those of his own household.' He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it.” Matthew 10:34-39 (NKJV)

1. Do you pray in absolute faith that not only does God hear your prayers but will answer them?  If not, what holds you back?

2. How do your actions reflect your faith?

3. Begin praying a bold prayer for God to reveal to you any unbelief you may have regarding God’s ability or desire to answer your prayer for a spouse. Ask God to help you pray with absolute faith like you already have what you’re requesting, and ask Him to give you what your soul is truly longing for.

4. I remember that the thought of surrendering my desire to be married scared me because I thought that God would then not bless me with a husband. Does the thought of surrendering your desire for marriage scare you? Why?

5. How do you think Jesus’ words, “And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it.” (Matthew 10:38-39), apply to your life right now? What is your cross? How does bearing that cross leave you feeling?

6. Have you ever thought of an unwillingness to lay down your desires as elevating an idol? Every time you feel anxious about being single, talk to God and surrender it. Ask Him to help you not make marriage an idol. After a little while you will begin to experience His supernatural peace.

11/26/06

“Lord, please teach me what it means to desire and have desires and also – at the same time – be surrendered to you. What does that look like? How do I desire and surrender – give up my desires for your desires? How do I hope and let go? Teach me, Lord, how to want and care and love, but at the same time put you first.” Amen.

Six years ago these words were written on a page in my prayer journal. I remember that time vividly. I wasn’t ready yet to surrender, but I was wrestling. Wrestling with God, not wanting to give up my desires, and sometimes even trying to make a deal with Him.

The Christian Single’s Security Blanket

“Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4

These words are Christian singles’ security blanket, and I was no different. I wrapped them around me like they were my salvation – my salvation from singleness.

But I didn’t need saving from being single. I needed saving from myself.

I went to church, prayed, read my Bible, attended Bible studies, led Bible studies, served. It looked like I was taking delight.

But was I taking delight in the Lord or was I taking delight in myself?

In the Lord means to me in His provision, in His timing, in His circumstances, in His answers. If I am taking delight in the Lord, then I am taking delight in surrendering to Him with whatever it is that He desires for my life. As a single woman, I tried to earn the desires of my heart. If I only accomplished my checklist of delightfulness, then God would finally let me have what I wanted. It sounds somewhat manipulative, and unknowingly that is where my heart was at the time. I was trying to manipulate God.

The word “delight” in Hebrew is ‘anag which means to be soft, delicate, dainty, happy about. If I am soft, delicate, dainty, and happy about it – not resisting it, complaining about it, or begging for something different – then my desires can be molded into God’s desires for me.  God can change me and change my desires. Then the desires of my heart are met. Being soft, delicate, dainty, and happy is a byproduct of being surrendered.

When Desires Don’t Change

My desire for marriage never changed. Yes, you read that correctly. Even after completely surrendering my future to God, truthfully and wholeheartedly, I still desired marriage. I asked Him to take the desire from me, but He didn’t, even though He could have, nor did He tell me (or not tell me) that I was called to a life of singleness.

But as I found delight in Him, He did change the desires of my heart.

Most people, men and women, desire a spouse at some point in their lives. They want another human being to share their life with. God created us for relationship – for community – and this is good. He said this is good.  But deep, deep down, even in relationships with spouses and other human beings, what are the desires of our hearts - our souls? What do our souls ache for, search for, long for, reach out towards even from the time we are born? Security. Affection. Attention. Worth. Love. We want to be loved. Unconditionally.

As a single woman I wanted to be chosen, adored, admired, sought after, fought for. I wanted to be loved. The desire of my heart was to be loved, but to find love in a man. God knew I could never find love in another human being. "I will give you the desires of your heart." I - not in a husband, but in God. God is the only One who can give us our heart's desires.

Yes, He created us to want, desire, and need relationship, but only as an earthly reflection of the relationship He bought for us on the Cross – a relationship with Him and with our Heavenly Father. Regardless of what relationships I experience here on earth, my needs will never be met in them alone. First I have to seek Jesus and take delight in Him. Taking delight in the Lord changed my heart to seek love from God - the only place I could ever truly get it in the first place.

I still wanted the man. But I didn't look to the man to give me my desires. God gave me the desires of my heart without the man because I looked to Him for them. My desire for marriage never changed. My desire to find love in a man did.

God knows your heart’s true desires. And He also knows that those desires cannot be met in the way you expect. Today’s Challenge is to allow delighting in the Lord to change where you are seeking your desires.

Lord, honestly I am scared to ask you to change the desires of my heart. What if you take that to mean I don’t want to be married and I never get married? Please meet me in my place of fear. Change my desires, Lord, so that I desire you above all else. I know that is when I will experience all that you have for me – all of your peace, all of your promises, and all of your blessings. Thank you for your patience and you grace.

“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” Matthew 6:33

“And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.” Matthew 19:29

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.” Deuteronomy 6:5

1.  Looking back at my years as a single woman, I looked at Psalm 37:4 more as a plea bargain from God than as a command to surrender my life to Him. Have you used Psalm 37:4 in this way? Do you feel like you honestly delight in the Lord?

2.  What are some practical changes you can make to show God that you take delight in Him?

3.  Do you believe it is possible for God to change the desires of your heart and you still desire to be married one day? Why or why not?

4.  Ask God to show you what it is in a relationship that you truly desire. Then, ask him to meet those needs for you outside of marriage.

Sometimes I go to people and squeeze them. Squeeze them really hard. Like trying to squeeze a lemon until it's bone dry. But instead of looking for juice to come out, I expect to see God.

Throughout my prayer journals squeezing people - mainly in my dating relationships - and expecting to see God is confessed - over and over again. God revealed it to me more than once, and I had to continue to confess it for what it was

Idolatry.

Even the sounds of the letters and how they come together to make the word – idolatry – are disgusting. It is a disgusting word. And it reveals a disgusting heart. I loved my desire for marriage – and all that I thought comes with marriage - more than I loved God.

Every time I squeezed my dating relationships like squeezing lemons, I hoped to see my heart’s desire for love trickle out. The less I saw, the harder I squeezed, until I would do anything to get what I wanted out of them.

I remember one early morning drive to work. It was still dark outside, and as I drove I prayed. I told God that I knew the relationship I was in was wrong. I knew the person wasn't the man for me. I knew it was time to get out. But I couldn't just yet. I asked Him for protection as I worked on letting go, but I confessed that I loved my desires more than Him.

How do you know when the idea of marriage has become an idol?

Outside of a Relationship

1. All you talk about (and think about) is “when you get married” or “your wedding day”.

When I was in college I remember a group of my girlfriends lived in an apartment on campus. There were five of them. In a basket in the bathroom there was every bridal magazine ever published – Bride, Modern Bride, Southern Bride, The Knot – and the list goes on. Now a few of these friends did have serious boyfriends and the plan was to get married after college. I was not dating anyone, and there was no possibility of me getting married any time soon, so there was no need for me to be looking at bridal magazines unless I was desperate for depression.  This was a “rule” I made for myself – no buying a bridal magazine until I was engaged. And believe it or not, I was successful! Now that did not stop me from talking and thinking about wanting a boyfriend and wanting to get married a lot. I assuredly drove these same friends crazy talking about it so much. However, if you find yourself moving forward, picking out wedding gowns, designing your reception, and making a guest list, before it is time, then marriage may have become an idol to you.

2.  You stay overly busy in your social life from fear of missing “The One”.

As a single adult, your social life is extremely important and necessary. God meant for us to live in community, and your social life is how you foster that community. However, I became much more involved than I needed to be in church and social activities not necessarily because I felt called to participate in them but because I was afraid of missing out. “What if I don’t go and the man of my dreams is there” is what I would think. So I became overcommitted and overly busy which left little time for spending time in God’s Word and in prayer. If there is ever a time to spend truly learning God’s Word it is now. Your commitments are very important, but they are not an excuse for not being disciplined with your time, especially when they are motivated by fear.

3. Jealousy and envy prevent you from celebrating with your friends who are getting married.

I have a terrible memory full of regret and remorse of the day my roommate and dear friend told me she was engaged. I couldn’t even look at her. I could barely get out any words to congratulate her. She felt every ounce of my bitterness. Later I did apologize but nothing can replace the memory of how I hurt her. We are no longer friends, and even though our friendship didn’t end until a few years after her engagement, as we moved away and lost contact, I can’t help but think that my actions may have had something to do with us not staying in touch. Years later I experienced the receiving end of that feeling when I was getting married. A dear friend of mine who was still single did not participate in any of the pre-wedding festivities – showers and parties. Our desire to be married and our feeling of entitlement to be married is never more important than our relationships with those we love.

In a Relationship

1. You find yourself compromising who you are just to get or stay in a relationship.

During my single days, I was the chameleon of chameleons. I am so ashamed to admit it now. Whomever I dated determined the person I became. If he wanted me to be sweet, quiet Christian girl, I would be her. If he wanted me to be independent, mind-of-her-own girl, I would be her. If he wanted me to be party girl, I could be her too. I could be whoever he wanted me to be as long as I had the chance of winning one forever. Winning one forever was more important to me that loving God forever.

2. You become anxiety ridden, overanalyzing every word, move, sound, or tone from a man you are dating.

I know that girls do this. I did this. I think all girls do this. But when it becomes so severe that you are obsessing, can't rest, don't enjoy other activities, and talk about it constantly, then it is an indication that you are making that person an idol.

3. You go to extremes to make it "work".

Later in this book I will talk more about the common saying, "You'll just know. It will be right, and you'll just know." But for today let's just say that there is some truth to this. There should not be any "making it work" in a dating relationship. There will be enough of that when you are married. When you are doing everything possible to manipulate what God is telling you is not for you, then marriage is an idol.

4. You act impulsively and go to your boyfriend before going to God first.

In dating relationships there is typically some of the "He didn't call me." or "He didn't even compliment me." or "He didn't introduce me to his friends." I could go on and on. But when you go to your boyfriend first, instead of taking these feelings to God first, then the relationship could be an idol.

Ask yourself if you have a tendency to make an idol out of your dating relationships or marriage. If so, go ahead and confess this to God. Ask Him to help you look to Him for all that you need. Trust me, the idols don't go away after the ring is on your finger, they just turn into something else.

Lord, I know that you are a jealous God out of your deep love for me. I also know that the Bible is full of stories of unfaithful people who put themselves and others before you. Please help me to realize when I am doing this. I know that making an idol out of marriage now will only continue into a true marriage in the future if you choose to bless me in that way. Help me, Lord, to choose you, your will, and your ways above all else.

"You shall not make for yourself an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.” Exodus 20:4-6

"Those who cling to worthless idols turn away from God's love for them.” Jonah 2:8

“Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.” Colossians 3:5

“Formerly, when you did not know God, you were slaves to those who by nature are not gods. But now that you know God—or rather are known by God—how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable forces.” Galatians 4:8-9

1.  As you read through the list of ways we make marriage, men, and relationships idols, did you recognize any of them as habits you have formed? What can you do to be on guard of these in the future?

2.  Read Galatians 4:8-9. When I read these verses I think about how the word “slave” describes so accurately how I felt as a single woman who obsessed on marriage and relationships. Do you feel enslaved by your desires, your thoughts, or your fantasies about marriage? Do you feel enslaved because of a relationship that has become an idol?

The question "So when are you going to get married?" was asked of me more often than any other question.

My forehead would crinkle upwards. My head would shake from side to side. And raising my shoulders I would answer, "I don’t know", trying to communicate a lot more than my lack of knowledge about my future - "Please don't judge me", "I don't know why I'm not married", "I didn't do anything wrong" - as I snuck in an embarrassed smile and began tilting my head towards the floor.

I never got used to the feeling. Shame.

The feeling of shame from singleness comes from one of two places. We’ll discuss the first place in this Challenge, and we’ll discuss the second place in Challenge eight.

The first place that shame may come from is a corrupted worldview that bombards singles with the message, "You must be doing something wrong" or "Something must be wrong with you." This message tells us that our worth comes from another human instead of from God, and the focus is on what pleasure we can gain from our life here on earth instead of on God’s eternal purposes.

Each person’s deepest longing is for acceptance through love. We want to be chosen. A gift that God gives us is the ability to tangibly experience love through our relationships with other people. Unfortunately, however, this becomes how we judge the worth of others – whether or not they have been chosen by another person through a relationship. But being chosen by another human is only an imperfect reflection of God’s ultimate acceptance and choosing of us. Whether or not we are ever picked as “The One”, God has already picked us through Jesus’ death and resurrection. Our worth lies on the Cross.

In our culture, probably now more than any other time in history, we have an extreme mentality that life is supposed to ultimately make us feel good or provide for our comfort. Now I believe wholeheartedly that God loves to bless us and give us good gifts of security and health and prosperity. But none of these blessings are meant for us to consume for our own benefit. They are all gifts to be given back to God in serving Him and honoring Him through the purposes He has set out in our lives. God is much more concerned about our relationship with Him through Jesus than He is about our happiness or well-being. And He will do whatever it takes to make sure that His purposes are accomplished. If that means that they are better accomplished through a life of singleness, then as single adults we should glorify Him for His ultimate wisdom.

The Apostle Paul explains this best in 1 Corinthians. He says that a single life allows a person to serve God with the least amount of distractions. Therefore, nothing is wrong with singleness. Actually, singleness can be very good.

“I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wide. His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible. So the person who marries his fiancée does well, and the person who doesn’t marry does even better.” 1 Corinthians 7:32-35,38 NLT

Feeling shame from the world’s view that your worth and well being is based on your marital status is not a conviction from God. As Christians, our only purpose on earth is to seek to glorify the Lord by completing His specific purposes for us.

Today ask yourself, "Do I feel shame because of my singleness?" If the answer is yes, then ask, "What is the source of my shame?" If the source is from the corrupted worldview that surrounds us and says that our worth comes from other people and pleasures from this world, then ask God to protect your mind and heart from those lies.

Lord, today I pray that any shame I feel is true conviction from you and not false conviction from a corrupted worldview about singleness and marriage. Please guard my heart and mind from the enemy’s schemes to falsely accuse and punish me.

“Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me His prisoner, but share with me in the sufferings for the gospel according to the power of God.” 2 Timothy 1:8 (NKJV)

“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.” 1 Peter 2:9

“For the sake of his great name the Lord will not reject his people, because the Lord was pleased to make you his own.” 1 Samuel 12:22

“However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name.” 1 Peter 4:16

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.” Romans 8:1-2

1. When people ask you questions about being single and future marriage, what are some polite comments you can say back to them that reflect your reliance on God?

2. How can you combat culture’s messages that your worth comes from being chosen or accepted by others instead of being chosen and accepted by God?

3. Do people’s perceptions of you and your singleness lead you to make unwise decisions just so that you will be accepted in their eyes?

Most of my time as a single woman was spent determined to get married. I had the desire, so no matter what it took I was going to make it happen. The desire was from God, right? So it must be my job to fulfill that desire. This is one of the biggest mistakes single adults make, and it is made out of the misconception that marriage is designed for ourselves when marriage is truly designed for God.

Marriage is a covenant between a man, woman, and God (Malachi 2:14). This is a divine mystery (Ephesians 5:32) that we will never fully comprehend, but the mere fact that it is a covenant makes it more than just a choice. Marriage not only has earthly significance, but it has eternal significance. I believe this, above all else, is the biggest reason we have such a high divorce rate. People get married to fulfill themselves instead of to fulfill a purpose bigger than themselves. Before we marry we need to ask ourselves, "Can I serve God better with this other person or by myself?" (1 Corinthians 7:35).

More than a choice, marriage is a calling. A person can have the desire to get married but not be called to marry.

When I was single there were men that I would have chosen to marry. Meaning that if they had asked, I would have said “yes.” However, I was not called to marry any of them. I knew this at the time, either deep in my soul or in my mind, but my desire overruled what I knew was right. I allowed myself to be controlled by my desire and my fear instead of God’s will. God’s grace, and only God’s grace, protected me from the choice and allowed me to wait on His call.

Just because you are not being called today does not mean that you will not be called at a later time. I have been called to marriage. I have also been called to singleness. There were years when I was single that God was calling me to singleness. I do not know the reasons, and I fought Him over it many times. But in retrospect I see that it protected me, prepared me, and gave me a firm foundation of what was to come. We can be called to singleness for a season and not forever.

Andy Stanley, the pastor of Northpoint Community Church in Atlanta, Georgia, has given the recommendation to singles in several of his sermons to make an agreement with God not to date for one year. Why? To focus on marriage as a calling and to prepare for the call. This is an excellent example of a call to singleness for the purpose of pursuing God over self.

How do you know when you are being called to marriage or singleness?

This is the hard part. Well, it’s really not that hard, but we make it hard. A calling is hearing God’s voice. The only way we can hear God’s voice is being very close to Him - be surrendered to Him - and allow His voice to be louder than our own. I have to be in a close relationship with God, through Jesus, in order to hear Him calling me to marriage. Get up early, pray, read your Bible, ask for prayer, get a mentor, and listen to the Holy Spirit and the wise counsel around you. God hears you and will answer you. And if you are not in a relationship, do the same – spend time growing close to God so that your desire for marriage is to serve Him better with someone else – not to just have your own desires met.

Singleness as a Choice

I am not of the belief that we should get married whenever we feel ready to make that choice. There are people who are not adequately equipped spiritually or emotionally for marriage, and I would encourage them to pursue health in both of these areas before getting married.

However, there is another trend in our culture in which singleness is a choice - a choice not to marry. This primarily comes up when people are in a dating relationship and have been dating a while or they choose to continually date many different people without committing to any of them.

There are many social factors that have contributed to women and men waiting to get married. I am not saying that any of these are wrong in themselves, but I believe that choosing singleness for selfish reasons is not in God's plan. What do I mean for selfish reasons? Well, for comfort, financial gain, or freedom (which is one of Satan's biggest lies). Making the choice not to marry to pursue self-giving circumstances, when you are being called to marriage, restricts the opportunity God wants to use to grow you spiritually. If you are not being called to singleness, then you need to be pursuing marriage - especially if you are in a dating relationship and have been for a while.

What if you are being called to marriage but not with the person you're dating? Well, we are going to talk more about this in the coming Challenges, but in short - get out of the relationship. (Yes, I know this is harsh and scary, but hang in here with me.)

Marriage is a calling. A calling that does not end.

Singleness is a calling. A calling that can be for a season.

Either way you are called to them. You should not choose them.

Called to a Lifetime of Singleness

There are people who are called to a lifetime of singleness. As I mentioned in Challenge 7, the Apostle Paul talks about the advantages of staying single - to have less distractions and be able to focus more on God. Although most people are not called to stay single forever, the place of ultimate peace will be when you can live a life of praising, honoring, and serving Him regardless and without expecting anything in return. I firmly believe that if God calls you to a lifetime of singleness He will give you a supernatural peace about it if you allow Him to. But you have to be willing to truly surrender your life to Him.

Are you being called to a season of singleness? If you are single and not dating anyone consistently that God is honestly calling you to marry, then you might be. This is o.k. This is a gift! I know, I know. It doesn't seem like it, but trust me. You have the precious gift of time to get healthy, serve, minister, and grow. Your Challenge is to thank God for calling you, for this time, to singleness. You can use it for good or it can become baggage that you will carry down the aisle with you. Use this time for good. This is your legacy. This is you future.

Dear Jesus, I know that I have a perfect gift of time from you. Thank you. Help me to see it as that more and more each day. I may not always view my singleness as a gift from you, but I pray that my thankfulness will become more and more consistent. Please continue to give me wisdom as to when you are calling me to singleness and when you are calling me to marriage. And if it is your will for me to not marry, please give me your supernatural peace and fill my life with every capability to serve you. Amen.

“I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.” 1 Corinthians 7:35

“‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Ephesians 5:31-33

1.  Have you ever felt called to something? If so, how did you know you were being called?

2.  Do you have any fears about being called to singleness or marriage? How do these fears affect your prayers and your relationship with God? How do they affect your decisions?

3.  Would you ever consider not dating or not pursuing a dating relationship for one year? When you think about making that commitment, how do you feel? What holds you back from doing so?

Singleness is a ______________!

How would you fill in the blank?

I know there are lots of words flying through your head right now. Some you probably wouldn't want to admit! But I will tell you what I have come to know singleness as - a Gift!

I can see you right now, just like you are sitting here next to me, rolling your eyes and moaning a big moan. If I were you, the single woman reading this, I would be rolling my eyes too. It sounds like such a canned, Pollyanna answer that everyone who's not single around you says because they really don't know what to say, and secretly they're happy about that. So they try to make you feel like marriage is confining and exhausting.

I'm not going to do that. Singleness is not a gift in the sense that it is something surprising and beautifully wrapped that you cannot wait to open. And it’s not a gift without strings attached.

Singleness is a gift of time.

At this point I do have to qualify singleness as a gift of time just to women who do not have children yet. For single women with children, you are the most hardworking women of all the subgroups we can name - married or single - and time is most likely one thing you have the least of. So for now, I am talking to single women without children.

Maybe it's our culture; maybe it's our own doing - I don't know - but life has a tendency to get busier with each passing year. This is no different after marriage. After marriage, life doubles. No longer is there just one person to think about and consider, but all of a sudden there is another one - along with his mom and dad and brothers and sisters, and the list can go on and on. Remember the Apostle Paul talking about this in 1 Corinthians 7?

Singleness is the perfect gift of time to accomplish all that you can for God without many distractions.

It gives you the time to:

1. Get Healthy

Getting healthy in every area of life is important, but I really want to focus on getting healthy spiritually and emotionally here. Now is the time to do this! Marriage has an interesting way of bringing out in a person all of their inner being. Meaning whatever perspective and expectations you inherited, observed growing up, or developed will come out in marriage. And they come out strong! Remember, Everyone - even from the Godliest of homes - brings baggage into marriage. This is the time to clean out the bags! I encourage you to seek a Christian counselor and spend the time and hard work to prepare for marriage now by getting healthy.

2. Keep Learning

This is the perfect time to go to school, finish school, or go back to school! It will be very hard to pursue other degrees or schooling after marriage. If you don't want or need any more formal education, take fun continuing education classes or a Bible class just for fun. When I was single I took a decorating class through the local community college because I was interested in that field and had the time to do the class.

3. Prepare for Marriage

You want to be married, so prepare for marriage now. Read books about marriage and pray for your future husband. This will also help you to discern what you should be looking for as you date.

Now, I know that this can get obsessive. I am not talking about planning your wedding and collecting dozens of Bride magazines. Listen to the Holy Spirit on this and remember that God is who you are surrendered to. If reading about marriage and praying for your husband takes your eyes off of God, then stop doing it.

4. Serve

As Christians, our purpose here on earth is to be disciples for Christ. That will always be our purpose. But after marriage, we become disciples for Christ in our homes first, then the world. As a single woman you have an awesome opportunity to serve the church, your community, and the world. This is your season, and right now this is what you are called to do. One day this season will pass, but for now I encourage you to spend your time serving. Lead a group. Do community service. Go on a mission trip. Not doing these things is not responding to God's call right now. And the coolest thing will happen - you will be blessed with peace and joy just as much, if not more, than the people you are serving. Service causes you to take your focus off of yourself and onto a bigger, eternal purpose.

Single women, you should be just as busy, if not busier than married women with husbands and even children. This is your time!

Singleness is a gift of perspective.

I do not want to leave out single women who may have been married and have children. You may not have the gift of time, but you do have the gift of perspective - a gift that that you could only gain through your experiences. You can look at singleness as a burden, but I want you to look at it as an opportunity for God to show His glory and power and grace. You have been down the road. You know it is hard. And you know it can be good. Use your perspective to disciple your children and other women who have not married yet. God uses all things for good! He really, really does, but only if we allow Him to. Otherwise it will always be a burden.

Think about how you initially filled in the blank to the statement "Singleness is a ______." Talk to God about what you thought and why you perceive singleness the way you do. I can almost guarantee that in ten or fifteen years when you are married you will look back on this time and see it so clearly as a gift. Maybe a gift of time. Maybe a gift of perspective and healing. Ask God to show you that now.

Lord, you tell us to give thanks in all circumstances. It is very hard when I feel lonely and unsure of the future. Please help me to see what you see in my life as a single woman. Open my eyes to all of the possibilities and give me wisdom on how to best use my time now as a single woman.

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).

1.  Why do you think we have a hard time accepting God’s gift of time in singleness? Do you feel like you will one day be able to see it more clearly when it’s no longer there?

2.  What are some practical ways you can make singleness as a gift of time in your every day life?

3.  What is one way you could use your time better now as a single woman? What is one area that could use some extra attention?

There are people in this world that could read this book and laugh. Laugh really hard. And then call me a hypocrite.

My past as a single woman is like silver that you rub over and over again, put a little more effort into and rub some more, finally seeing a little spot of shininess.

And it is in the process of rubbing it clean that the Enemy comes in and makes it a little harder with reminders of what I used to do, who I used to be, and doubt that I could never be used by God today.

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Genesis 50:20

When you have faith that God will give you the desires of your heart, while at the same time surrendering to His will by using your gift of time to prepare for marriage, Satan will do everything in His power to disrupt you.

The attack will come through whatever is closest to your heart.

You meet a man. He is perfect in every way. Christian. Good-looking. Hard-working. Genuine. Trustworthy. A servant. Then Satan reminds you of what you did with your past boyfriend. He reminds you of how you broke God's heart. He tells you you're not good enough for a Christian man. It will take you too long to be rubbed clean. You believe him.

Or this time you want things to be different. You don't want to go down the road you walked before. Maybe you had a child out of wedlock. Maybe you were married and have children. Maybe you were married with no children. So you begin dating a man and the temptation gets high. Satan asks you what the big deal is. Obviously this is nothing new to you. And the man you're dating starts wondering the same thing too. You believe him.

Or you had a relationship that just didn't work out. But you loved him. You wanted to marry him. Your heart was torn in two. Now you are dating again. Except that Satan tells you that you can't trust God anymore. He allowed your heart to get broken, and He'll do it again. You believe him.

Or you were in an unhealthy relationship. It wasn't God's best for you. But you stayed in it because maybe if you gave it just one more try it would work out. Months go by without talking to your ex-boyfriend. And you get lonely. So you think back and Satan tells you that it was really all your fault. You could have done things differently, and it would have worked out. You believe him.

There are countless lies that Satan tells us about our past to prevent us from going forward into the future and be used by God.

As single, Christian women we have to remember God's Truth:

1. God uses all things for good (if we allow Him to). Romans 8:28

2. God makes all things new. 2 Corinthians 5:17

Your past can be a constant reminder of what you weren't, or it can be a stepping stone for where God wants to take you.

Ladies, if you look into your past and see all that you could have been, ask God to forgive you and make those things new - make them new opportunities that He can use today. Pray and ask God to protect you from Satan's countless lies and to remind you of who you are in Him each day.

Lord Jesus, I know I have broken your heart in my past. I confess that to you today. I also know that the Cross makes in possible for me to live new again. Please help me to accept this truth. Please use each experience from my past for your glory. I pray that my lives and other lives around me will be changed through me pointing to you despite my mistakes.

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people." Genesis 50:20

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” 2 Corinthians 5:17

1.  What lies to you hear Satan repeating to you over and over again?

2.  What truths can you replace with each of these lies?

There are two sides of the argument.

Some advise single women to make a list of "must have" qualities for their future husbands.

Others say that a list causes you to look for perfection and you may not end up becoming serious with anyone at all.

I have seen this happen. I honestly was never one who had a clear image of physical qualities that I wanted in a man, but there are friends of mine who did. The age. The hair color. The build. The height. All of it was etched in stone. Along with a particular income and place of employment and zip code. If a man could not check a box next to each of these predetermined qualities, then he might as well not waste his money on the first date!

I would not go so far as to sketch him on paper. The purpose of a list is not to be a master sculptor, designing and building a perfect man and putting him in a box.

The purpose is to have an idea of who you are and who would be best for you so that you and your potential husband can grow closer to Jesus.

For Christians, the Bible makes very clear a few items that should be on "The List." (I think we can add others as well, but these are general ones that need to be on everyone's list.)

He must be equally yoked to you. Meaning that he must also be a Christian, and I would go even further to say that he must be similar to you in spiritual maturity. (More about this in a later Challenge.)

He must be single. This does not mean separated from his spouse. It means not married - at all.

Not following these two guidelines is not only sinful because they are specifically stated in the Bible, but it will also create unrest in your life. Life will be more complicated and not as God intended.

The Bible gives us a lot of other qualities and circumstances to guide and lead us, but these are discerned through the prayer of individual people. They are not sinful in and of themselves, but can be if God is directing you in a different direction.

For example, the man doesn't have a job. If you told me that your date didn't have a job, my first response would probably be to not get involved. But it's not sinful to get involved. Maybe there's a legitimate reason and God has led him to you for a specific purpose. This is where prayerful discernment comes in.

Another example is that he is fifteen years older than you. Again, my first response would be, “No!” But it's not a sin to date someone fifteen years older. This is another situation where prayerful discernment is needed.

When making your list you must ask yourself:

1. Who am I?

Be honest! What do you like to do? How do you spend your free time? What do you like to talk about? What are your weaknesses? What are your goals? What is your worldview?

2. Who is best for me?

Again be honest! What kind of person do you have the most in common with? What qualities do you see yourself meshing well with now and in the future? Who will help you grow closer to Jesus?

3. What situations can I anticipate facing in the future with any spouse, and what qualities would I want him to have in order to handle them in a God-honoring way?

Think about the BIG issues. The issues that a lot of people face (most don't anticipate) and wish they had known their spouse's thoughts before getting married. Here are a few:

chronic or terminal illness

infertility

loss of job

debt/bankruptcy

adoption

tithing

serving in the church/community/world

children with disabilities

birth control

view of children/number of children

woman's role in the marriage and home

man's role in the marriage and home

in-laws and extended family

family living with you

addictions

psychological illnesses

marital counseling

divorce

At this point, you must be saturated in prayer, requesting discernment daily, so that you do not overlook someone God may leading your way, while at the same time following His wisdom from the Bible. A man may meet all of your qualifications, and God's qualifications, but still not be the one God has for you. Discernment is essential.

Now, if you're like me you may overanalyze this to death! Resist the temptation to do that. Listen to God and walk when He says walk (when you hear the Holy Spirit speaking to you). But wait if He says to wait or doesn't say anything at all. Be patient. (Again, I am going to elaborate more on hearing God's voice and knowing whether it's right or not in a later Challenge.)

Today think about yourself. Ask yourself how you feel about the items on the list above. Know who you are so that you can better know who to look for. I know the phrase "opposites attract" is popular and maybe true in the beginning, but as far as a lifelong marriage is concerned I think the more similar you are, the better.

Sometimes, Lord, it is so hard for me to wait for your best while at the same time not looking for and expecting perfection. Please give me wisdom about who I am and the person that you choose for me. Keep my heart open to your will. Thank you, Lord, for guiding me.

“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” 2 Corinthians 6:14

“But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God - having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.” 2 Timothy 3:1-5

“Getting wisdom is the wisest thing you can do! And whatever else you do, develop good judgment.” Proverbs 4:7 (NLT)

“And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate, who will never leave you. He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all truth. The world cannot receive him, because it isn’t looking for him and doesn’t recognize him. But you know him, because he lives with you now and later will be in you.” John 14:16-17 (NLT)

1.  Who are you, really? Spend some time taking some spiritual gifts tests, personality tests, and temperament tests to really know who you are, what you like, and how you work best with others.

2.  Make a list of all the ideal qualities you would like to have in a spouse. Add as many qualities as you want to it. Then, prayerfully ask God which ones are “must haves” for you based on the person He created you to be. Remember, God’s primary goal is to grow you, your future spouse, and the people He places in your lives closer to Him and into His likeness. Try to get your list down to five Biblically based qualities. Refer to them often especially before a first date and throughout a relationship. Ask God to show you if  you are truthfully honoring Him by dating a person with the qualities He wants for you.

The name of my blog, Triple Braided, is based on Ecclesiastes 4:12.

“Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

The formula represented here, me + community + God = an unbroken life, shows our need for community. In my years as a single woman, this was the formula that could have helped protect me from all that I now carry so deep inside.

In an ideal situation a woman’s parents are the primary people helping her make wise decisions of whom to date and marry. But with so many women staying single for years after high school and college, and so many others single again, this is not a practical reality for most women any more.

However, the necessity for community in a single woman's life is no less important.

God created us to be relational, dependent people. Of course this goes against our culture which praises autonomy and independence, but that does not make the way He created us any less true. The Bible is a collection of illustrations of God’s earnest desire for us to first be in relationship and dependent on Him. God actively pursues a relationship with us because He loves us. This is the reason He sent His Son, Jesus – so that we could know our Creator as our friend.

The Bible also illustrates God’s desire for us to be in relationship and dependent on each other. The first illustration is in the Garden of Eden.

As God created the heavens and the earth and all that is in them, He continually said “it was good” after each creation. Then He created Adam. But here He is not so quick to say that it is good. In fact, He said that “it is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18). Everything was good until Adam was alone. Then it was not good. So God created Eve. After the creation of Eve is when the Bible says, “God saw all that he had made, and it was very good” (Genesis 1:31).

Does this illustration just apply to marriage? I don’t think so. God gives us many other people to share our lives with: parents, children, relatives, and friends. The list goes on. Jesus also gives us only two commandments: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself’” (Matthew 22:37-39). Jesus does not command us to just love our spouses. He commands us to love each other. In order to love each other we must be in relationship with other people.

I will make a bold statement in saying that you will most likely not make it through your single years pure and without significant emotional scars without being part of a strong community.

One of the main reasons? Because without community you can hide.

When I was single I hid a lot. Remember, I was a "good girl." I did all the right stuff - on the outside. It was behind closed doors that I chased boys, made poor choices, and got so emotionally entangled that I even became depressed.

So how do you find a strong community?

First, let me discuss some pitfalls.

When I was single I went to a very large metropolitan church in Atlanta. The rumor was that about 60% of the regular attendees were single. Sounds like an easy place to find community; right?

Well, it was, kind-of. There was never a shortage of activities to get involved in, people to hang out with, or places to go. But at the end of the day I needed more than that. I needed an inner circle, a select few who would hold me accountable and encourage me to live a more God-honoring life. I was not intentional in seeking a tight knit group of other single adults who were passionate about pursuing God completely.

You must be intentional and choose your community wisely. Don’t think of your community as just a group of people to hang out with on the weekends – even though it does serve that purpose too. Your community should be a group of people who grow you closer to Jesus.

Think of it like Jesus thought of it. He chose twelve. Twelve men to be in His tight circle. He had many other friends, but these twelve were the ones in His community.

We are all made for community. God created us to be in relationships. Today’s Challenge is to assess your community. Do you have a community? Does it encourage you in your relationship with Christ and help you to grow more passionate in your relationship with Him?

Lord, I know that you have made me for community. Thank you for creating me to desire and long for relationship with others because that is a reflection of my desire for a relationship with you. Please give me wisdom in choosing my community wisely. Bless me with people who I can do life with and who will not only help me to not be lonely, but also to encourage me in my relationship with You.

“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. This is my command: Love each other.” John 15:12-17

"My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one - I in them and you in me - so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.” John 17:20-23

1. What is your biggest struggle with finding authentic community?

2. For me, being an introvert makes it more difficult to actively pursue community. Why is it important for us to make community a priority regardless of our personalities, stage of life, or discomfort?

3. Do you ever find yourself shying away from community so that you are not held accountable to others? What are possible consequences of doing this?

Besides singleness being emotionally difficult and maybe spiritually difficult, it is also physically and mentally difficult.

My mom passed away a few years ago, and my dad will tell you that this is the one of the hardest parts about being single: having to do everything and make all the decisions by yourself.

I remember thinking the same thing. No matter the age, we need a helper.

Cleaning the house.

Paying the bills.

Changing a light bulb.

Moving furniture.

Fixing a leak.

Mowing the lawn.

Changing a tire.

Buying a car.

Buying a house.

Choosing insurance.

Having a surgery.

Adopting a child.

All of these can become huge frustrations for a single woman. Starting with the most mundane, everyday task, to the most difficult decisions.

When I was single it was the difficult decisions that left me paralyzed, along with mulling over the question, "But what if I get married?"

The biggest was buying a house. Everyone was buying a house. I was getting older, and the smart thing to do was buy a house, I guessed. But I was terrified of moving ahead with anything that big for fear that, as soon as I did, I would meet the man of my dreams and be stuck - with a house.

I still struggle with living this way - looking forward with a handful of "what-ifs" instead of looking at today with "what-if I don't obey."

If the question is not against God's Word, then it does not have a yes or no answer. However, the answer will not be based on fear but in trust and obedience.

This is where a triple-braided life becomes so important.

You may not have a husband yet to help you with big decisions, but you have a God who promises to give you wisdom when you ask. And you need to have a mentor or an older friend to complete the braid.

Me + a Mentor + God = an unbroken life (or peace-filled decisions)

Make decisions as a single woman from this place.

Like finding a community that will help you grow in your relationship with Jesus, you also need a mentor to do the same.

A mentor is different than a community because a mentor is one person, typically older, who has more life experience or spiritual maturity than you and can guide you in making wise, discerning choices.

This is what I was lacking when I was single. If I had a more spiritually mature woman, whom I could go to and ask questions and even confess to, who would hold me accountable and even pray with me, I might have been able to see situations with a discerning eye instead of a crying heart.

When I was single I did have a few married friends who truly invested their time into me, but our relationship never grew to a mentor-type relationship - meaning that I never got to the point where I truly confided in them.

One friend in particular went to my church. She was married, about five years older than me, and had two children. Her husband traveled a lot, so about once every couple of months she would have me over for dinner and after she put the kids to bed we would watch a movie or something. I loved going over there! I loved talking to her and spending time with her.

I now wish I had asked her to pray with me and partner with me as my mentor.

Like finding a community, you must be intentional about finding a mentor. Most of the time this just takes stepping out in faith and asking someone to come alongside you in that role, but before you do that, consider these steps.

Steps to Choosing/Finding a Mentor:

1. Pray about it.

Ask God to show you and even bring into your life a woman who would be good at serving as a mentor for you. Also, ask Him to open your eyes to someone who would be good for you, but who you may not necessarily choose for yourself.

2. Ask yourself what qualities you hope to have in a mentor.

Here’s an example of someone who would most likely not make a good mentor for me:

This happened one night at a Bunko game. I was the only single woman. All the other women were married with children and most of them were full-time homemakers. The life I always wanted; right?

So I was sitting there playing the game, already feeling a little bit like the outsider, when the ladies started talking about sex. I was 27 years old at the time, so it was not like I was a child or anything, and one of the ladies (who I will interrupt and say was almost my age) piped up and said out loud, in front of everyone, "We really shouldn't be talking about this with Brenda here. She really shouldn't be hearing these things."

I get what she was trying to say. And I even agree that it is wise to protect single friends from sexual temptation whenever possible by not discussing the details of marriage with them. But as every pair of eyes in the room swooped over to me, I became completely humiliated. Once again I was the token single, and everyone now knew it.

You want a mentor who is sensitive to your season of life. She needs to have a level of empathy for the daily struggles and insecurities you face.

3. Discover what a mentor/mentee relationship looks like to you.

Think about the amount of time you would like to spend with your mentor. How often would you meet? For how long? Where would you meet? Would you email and call each other? Would you expect her to check in with you often?

Considering these questions will help you when you ask someone to fill this role. Your mentor has to have available time to spend with you and be willing to use it with you in order for the relationship to work well.

4. Ask someone to prayerfully consider serving as your mentor.

After you have prayed about it and decided who would be best for you and what the relationship would look like for you, then simply ask them. Yes, this can be scary, but remember the worst that could happen is that they could say, “No.” Be sure that you explain to her why you think she would be a good mentor for you and what you are hoping to get out of the relationship. Also, make it clear that if she does not have the time necessary, then it probably won’t be a good fit.

Single friends, I urge you to pray for God to bless you with a woman who can be a mentor to you. Ask Him to point you to a person, and then pray for boldness to ask her if she would be willing to partner with you. You have to be open, authentic, and truthful for your mentor to be able to truly advise you and pray for you the way you need her to. So pray for that as well.

Dear Jesus, I need someone wiser to come alongside me and help me during this season of my life. I need someone who I can go to, besides my friends, and who will give me a discerning word from You about the decisions I face especially with relationships. Please, Lord, point out to me the person who could serve in the role as a mentor for me, and give me the confidence and boldness to ask her. Also, please open my eyes to someone who is good for me but who I would not immediately choose for myself.

“Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.” Titus 2:3-5

“And the things you have heard me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable people who will also be qualified to teach others.” 2 Timothy 2:2

“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17

1. Have you ever had a mentor? If so, what worked well in the relationship and what would you want to change?

2. Are you fearful about opening up fully to a mentor? What are your biggest fears?

3. How do you think you could benefit from a mentor in your life?

First there was only the college class. But I was 26.

Then they made it the "college and career" class. But only the college people came.

Then there was the singles' class. But now I'm 28 and everyone else is over 50.

Sundays were hard. They were the hardest day of the week for me. Church in those days was not a place where I felt peace and left ready to serve Jesus the rest of the week.

It was another reminder.

I sat in the pew. Not alone but lonely. Noticing the husband and wife in front of me holding hands. Watching the young married couple the week after their honeymoon. Seeing the ladies who are expecting babies and radiating happiness.

Then when everyone left and went out to eat or went home to take naps or went to enjoy the beautiful day outside, I went home - by myself.

The church is slow to understand single adults.

It simply doesn't know what to do with them. I'm not sure of the reason, but I have some opinions.

I think that most leaders in ministry don't understand this area of ministry because most of them (or most that I have known) did not go through an extended season of singleness. Like most experiences, unless a person has walked the path he or she really doesn't "get it."

In the suburbs or more rural communities, there are sometimes not enough single adults to make a sustainable ministry. When I moved to Atlanta where there are more singles, and the church I attended was larger, there was a growing singles' ministry.

And I hate to say it, but I do think that there is a stigma that surrounds singleness. When I was single I felt a sense that I wasn't fully trusted. I also felt like I was viewed as having done something wrong or that something must be wrong with me.

It is interesting because there are probably more single adults now than ever, but there is still an imaginary wall that goes up in some churches.

Singleness might be more complicated, but regardless everyone has a place at church.

Notice I used the word “has.” This place does not have to be given to you by a group of church leaders, Sunday school teachers, or Bible study teachers. Because you are a member of the Body of Christ through your salvation through Jesus Christ, you already have a place at church. You just have to boldly take your place.

“Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.” 1 Corinthians 12:27 NIV

Both married and single Believers must change their perspectives about church.

Is the church here to serve us, or are we here as a Church to serve?

God calls us to attend church so that we as the Church - the body of Believers - can serve each other, our communities, and the world. He knew that we would need a place where we could come together as like-minded people to learn from each other, comfort each other, and be held accountable to each other. This is the church's purpose. It is not with selfish intent, but selfless sacrificing.

So the Church needs to serve single adults. How? By loving them. By encouraging them. By giving them the place they already possess. By treating them like brothers and sisters in Christ. Not by running away because their lives are different and possibly (but personally I don't think so) messier.

And single adults need to serve the Church. How? By using their gift of time. By participating. By leading. By engaging with other Believers. Not by falling into self-pity or a sense of entitlement.

Too many single adults allow their discomfort in church to overrule God’s call to serve with other Believers. Don’t let this become you. Yes, it is hard. Yes, it is uncomfortable. But doesn’t Jesus promise to give you all that you need when you trust Him in obedience? Do you believe Him?

One of the dichotomies of serving is that typically you end up getting more out of it than the people you are serving. Serving gives your life, even as a single adult, purpose. You begin to realize that this life is bigger than yourself and your daily struggles. But God can only give you this gift if you take the first step – go to church.

“And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.” Hebrews 10:25 NLT

Today’s daily Challenge is to go to church. That’s the first step. Then, get involved at church. Living a growing Christian life outside of the support of fellow Believers is too difficult. God did not mean for it to be that way.

Lord, I really, really, really do not like going to church alone. It is so difficult. It reminds me of all I wish I had. I makes me feel isolated and alone. But, Lord, I know that you call us to be in community with each other. Please give me the courage and strength to take the first step and go to church. Help me to keep going. Please show up for me, God. Give me what I do not have without you. Then, show me how I can get involved so that church is no longer a lonely place for me anymore. Help me to understand that the Church’s primary purpose is not to serve me. I must also serve it.

“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” Hebrews 10:24-25

“Praise the Lord. Praise God in his sanctuary; praise him in his mighty heavens. Praise him for his acts of power; praise him for his surpassing greatness. Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet, praise him with the harp and lyre, praise him with timbrel and dancing, praise him with the strings and pipe, praise him with the clash of cymbals, praise him with resounding cymbals. Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. Praise the Lord.” Psalm 150:1-6

1. What do you think is the Church’s primary purpose? Is it to serve or to be served?

2. What perceptions do you have about churches? What has held you back from attending church in the past?

3. Do you think that a Christian must go to church to grow spiritually?

4. What would be the primary advantage for you to go and serve at a local church?

A Misplaced Calling

At thirty-six years old I still do not know what I’m supposed to do when I grow up.

I have a better idea than when I was twenty, but it is still a constant struggle for me.

See, when I was twenty, and in college, I wanted to be a wife and mother one day. That was my goal, my dream, my calling. However, training to be a wife and mother was not on the list of majors, and even if it were, the circumstances to make that possible were out of my control. So through my logic I discerned that if my true goal was to be a wife and mother, then I needed a career that would allow me to spend the most time with my future children. I became a teacher.

Makes sense; right? Summers off and you get to leave work at 3:30 every day. It seemed perfect.

That was a first glimpse of my naivety.

Not only do you not get to leave work at 3:30 every day and even many summer days are spent in workshops – unpaid.  I did not like teaching.

Sitting in my last class for my Master’s degree in reading education – yes, I even got a Master’s in education – and in only my second year of teaching, I realized this. Now at twenty-four years old, I hated the career I had chosen.

I felt hopeless.

I am tempted to say that I wasn’t called to teaching, but I don’t know if that is true. In every spiritual gifts test I take, teaching comes up at the top. I am also tempted to blame myself and say that I just made one huge mistake (after another) getting not one, but two degrees, and staying in the profession for thirteen years. On the other hand, I know God had a purpose in each year that I taught those children (Romans 8:28). He taught me more than I taught them, most likely.

Regardless, I am sure that my calling was misplaced.

Every Christian’s Two Callings

As Christians, we all have two ultimate callings in life regardless of how they play out in our personal circumstances.  First, we are all called to be surrendered completely, recklessly abandoned, to Jesus and to His purposes because He is God, our creator and our Savior.

“I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” Philippians 1:20-21

Sure, God definitely equips us with specific gifts, skills, and desires to accomplish specific purposes in our lives. He most likely was calling me to be a wife and mother – one day. He most likely was calling me to teach in some capacity. But ultimately He was calling me to be fully abandoned to Him and His purposes even if that meant dying to my own. As Paul states above, living for Christ is life. That’s the only life. And dying for Christ is also gain. I felt like it was my job to make my life happen. My only job was to surrender it to Him.

The second calling we all have is to lead people to Christ, making them disciples and baptizing them.

“Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Matthew 28:19-20 NLT

No matter how our jobs, careers, hobbies, families, or friendships look, all Christians’ ultimate purpose is to bring others to Christ. That is our ultimate goal. This fulfills Jesus’ two commandments: love God and love people (Matthew 22:27-29).

Be Used for Something Big

As a single woman, allow God to use your life for something big. Something that you cannot imagine. Something that you never thought possible. Your first “something big” is living a life completely surrendered and abandoned to God. Then He will show you want His purposes are for your present and future.

Don’t try to outsmart God by planning every detail according to how you want your life to go. If your dream is to become a wife and mother, then, yes, it is prudent to prepare and learn and gain insight and wisdom before that day comes. But it is also important to live where you are.

When I use the word “big,” I am not necessarily meaning something dramatic or radical in a practical sense although living abandoned to God is extremely radical. I use “big” to mean serving others with all of your heart, soul, and mind. Working knowing that you are not working for your purposes and plans, but for His glory and His plans – whatever they might be.

Your something big might be being a teacher or an attorney or working in nonprofit or becoming the CEO of a company or being an administrative assistant or even joining the mission field.

Your something big might being pouring your free time into the lives of teenagers or serving the homeless or helping a single mom or encouraging the sick or pursuing short-term mission opportunities.

Big is not quantitative. Big is just being obedient and working for God through total abandonment to Him.

God can do far more with all of you – all of the person He created including your gifts, talents, dreams, and desires – than you can do on your own. Open your mind to the big possibilities that He leads you to.

Two Regrets

Looking back I can identify two mistakes that I made and that I would do differently if I had the choice today.

One, I would have covered my major, life calling, and career decision in prayer starting even in high school. Honestly, I did not pray about becoming a teacher. I did not ask God if that’s what He wanted to do with my life. I just assumed that since my goal was to be a wife and mother, then that was His goal too, and teaching was the most rational career to have when the ultimate goal was to be at home as much as possible. Plus, I liked school. I like to learn. I like playing school as a little girl. So surely I was being wise in choosing teaching as a career.

But the Bible makes it so clear that our thoughts are not His thoughts. Our ways are not His ways (Isaiah 55:8). And God will bring about His purposes no matter what (Psalm 57:2 NLT).

Secondly, I would not have held onto my dreams so tightly. Yes, I believe that my desires to be a wife and mother were noble and God-given. I do think He placed them there. But I know He didn’t place my dreams in my heart for them to become my gods. And that’s exactly what they became. Instead of allowing God to orchestrate the details and me just follow Him in the life circumstances He had me in at the time, I took the outcome into my own hands. I orchestrated my whole life around my dream – a dream that I prayed and hoped for, but that was not my reality.

In the Meantime

Making your life about Him and others and not about yourself is what will guard your heart from feelings of having no purpose even in the midst of confusion over what you are called to do.

This is where I found myself just two years into my teaching career. I was confused and discouraged. I felt like my life had no purpose. In reality, God had amazing purpose for me. I just would not loosen my grip to fully embrace it and allow it to play out in His way, His timing, through His circumstances.

Recently the college women’s group that I lead read the book Sacred Singleness. I highly recommend the book, but for the purpose of today’s challenge I recommend “Part Three: Living a Poured Out Life.” In chapter nine Leslie Ludy writes,

“Marriage is certainly a worthy and God-given desire, but it should never become a goal we pursue with our life. Rather, a poured-out life for Jesus Christ is a worthy goal worth pursuing. A life that selflessly and sacrificially serves the least is a worthy goal worth pursuing. And a heart that trusts in Jesus Christ wholly and completely and surrenders the pen into His faithful and capable hands is a worthy goal worth pursuing.”[i]

Today’s challenge is the cornerstone of your life. Without it you will never experience peace in this life whether single or married or in any other circumstance. Why? Because Jesus is our only hope. Today I challenge you to begin living in reckless abandonment to Him, totally surrendered, not in an effort to manipulate your way but simply because He is your Savior. He died on the Cross for you to live forever. That is reason enough.  Then, He will show you what His “something big” is for your life. He will show you your purpose, your calling, not for the future, but for now.

Jesus, forgive me for making my life about me. I know that it is not about me. It is only about you. Right now I surrender my life to you – all of it. Help me to die to myself, to my dreams so that you can fully reveal your dreams for me. This is where I know I will find the abundant life. Today give me clear insight and wisdom into the “something big” you have for me right now. I want to be used by you to bring about your purposes and grow your kingdom. Amen.

“I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” Philippians 1:20-21

"‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord.” Isaiah 55:8

“I cry out to God Most High, to God who will fulfill his purpose for me.” Psalm 57:2 NLT

“Jesus replied, ‘You must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” Matthew 22:37-39 NLT

“Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Matthew 28:19-20 NLT

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.” Jeremiah 29:11-13 NLT

1. What do you feel like is your biggest obstacle in living a life completely surrendered to God?

2. What is your biggest fear when you think about handing all of your dreams over to God even if He chooses a different path for your life?

3. Have you made decisions about your future based on your own dreams, goals, and callings or on God’s dreams, goals, and callings for you?

4. What small step can you take today to begin to use your life for something big?

My first teaching job out of college was teaching fifth grade - 10 and 11 year olds. I remember standing outside during recess one afternoon towards the beginning of the year watching the children run and play. Then I started paying closer attention to the girls. What I saw was fascinating to me.

Fascinating that it starts that young.

The girls were chasing the boys, and the boys were running away as fast as they could, trying to keep their football game going. As the girls began to give up their pursuit, they would hang back on the sidelines, still staring at the boys. The boys had no idea. They were totally disinterested.

There I was, thirteen years older than these children and in many ways I was doing the exact same thing - chasing boys.

There is order in this world that God created, and whether we acknowledge it or not doesn't mean it goes away. We may think we're too sophisticated to believe that men are meant to pursue women, but my experience tells me that this is how relationships work best.

Why are we tempted to chase men?

When I was single chasing men was a battle I constantly fought - and my actions were subtle. I didn't blatantly ask men out on dates, and I wasn't even very flirtatious. It was after we were dating that it hit me - the fear that if I don't do something he might just go away.

He hasn’t called for a few days, so I pick up the phone and call. After all, he's probably just busy.

I think I'll be nice and wish him a good day, so I call him in the morning as he's on his way to work. Except that he never did this for me first.

I'm not busy Sunday afternoon, so maybe he wants me to come over for a little while. I'll just text him to see.

The holidays are coming up, and he hasn't mentioned any plans, so I'll just start dropping hints.

I'll send him a friend request on Facebook since he hasn't sent me one yet.

We've been dating for two weeks, so let me buy him a really nice birthday present.

He lives far away, so maybe I should move.

My list goes on and on.

Just recently I was reading in Genesis, and I came across this verse:

“Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” Genesis 3:16

This verse is the second part of Eve's curse given by God. Now in a dating relationship you are not married, and the man you are dating is not your husband, but this verse helped me to understand the temptation I had to chase the men I dated.

I desired them more than I desired God.

I pursued men with such tenacity – sometimes changing my style or thoughts or values just so they would like me or stay with me.

Now I know an even bigger secret – this desire doesn't go away after marriage.

Even though in a dating relationship the man you are dating is not your husband, your interactions with each other will set you up for how you interact in marriage. If you constantly pursue your husband while dating, you will have to pursue him married, and you'll find yourself saying things like this:

Am I pretty enough for you?

Can we please go on a date?

Why don't you call me during the day to check in on me?

Do you even want to spend time with me?

Do you love me?

Men are designed to be pursuers, conquerors, and leaders. In a dating relationship, since he is not your husband and you do not have to be submissive under the covenant of marriage, this is how you allow him to lead.

Any time we go against God’s ultimate design for relationships there are natural consequences. Ladies, if you do the work of pursuing for him, then he doesn't have to do it himself. He will become complacent and feel like that role has been taken from him. It takes effort on a man’s part to pursue a woman, but trust me, men like the feeling of "winning the girl." Even if they can't admit it, they do.

If you chase, your needs will never be met either.

We were made to be wooed, to be cared for, and to be protected. These are needs of women.

I remember in all of my dating relationships where I "chased the boy" I felt constant anxiety. There was no rest and peace that God was taking care of me and that all I had to do was trust Him. I felt like I was responsible for getting my needs met when in reality God was the only one who could meet my needs.

And one more thing . . .

If he's not calling, asking you out, or pursuing you, there is a reason, and it's not your job to figure it out.

I was the worst at making excuses for guys. He's busy or he had a long week or he just forgot. I came to realize that men who are pursuing a girl will pursue no matter what the cost. They will step out of work to call you, they will change plans, they will drive far, they may even move. They will do whatever it takes to get the girl.

This should not scare you because, remember, you're not in control. God is in control. He is sovereign. You don't have to change or get right or control the situation so that it works out. If it doesn't work out, then God has something better planned. Your only job is to stay surrendered to Him.

Oh, this was a big one for me! One thing that helped me - if I questioned whether I should call or do something, and I felt anxiety about it and had to ask everyone I knew, then I knew I shouldn't do it. Today’s Challenge is to really practice praying through these moments of temptation to pursue a man.

Dear Lord, please forgive me for the times that I have desired men over you and your best for me. Forgive me to chasing them more than I chase you. Forgive me for looking to them to supply the needs that only you can supply for me. Lord Jesus, I know that you are the only One who can give me all that I need. No man on earth will ever be able to do this. Please help me in my moments of temptation to seek your best for me. Please help me to make decisions that will set my future marriage up to honor you and to fall into your design.

“To the woman he said, ‘I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.’” Genesis 3:16

“And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19

“For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” Matthew 6:32-33

“Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:25-26

1. What if you chased God with as much zeal as you chase men? How would your life be different?

2. How does our culture’s belief that it is okay for women to pursue men contrast God’s design for marriage and relationships as outlined in the Bible?

3. What do you believe is at the core of a woman’s insistent attempts to gain men’s attention through her words, dress, and actions?

My husband, John, and I met online. And it wasn't on a Christian dating website. It was on that other large secular dating website to be exact.

Are you surprised?

While we were dating I told him that we had to come up with another story even though it would be a lie. Meeting on a website didn't carry the romantic story of how God brought two people together after years of waiting while serving in some remote country on a mission trip.

Or did it?

A year after we were married John got really sick. He had the heart disease Cardiomyopathy when we met, but it was managed well with medications. A year later his heart stopped. Literally. He was put on life support. He had a heart transplant. Today John is alive, and we have the testimony of a miracle story about God saving a life. But it doesn’t stop there. Our story has given other people the opportunity to hear and experience God’s mercy, grace, and love. God used our story to prove that His peace is real.

God uses opportunities of all kinds to bring about His purposes.

Online dating has become much more common even in the past four years since I used it, but for Christian women I think it still raises the question, "If I use a dating website does that mean I'm chasing boys or looking for a man and not trusting God?"

It can mean all of these things, but it depends on how you use it.

By the time I started using this dating website I had finally surrendered my single life. That doesn't mean I didn't want to get married. I just had come to a place where I honestly believed God knew what was best for me.

With that mindset, I used online dating in the same way I would approach a dating relationship face-to-face.  This is the only way I think online dating can be God-honoring and beneficial.

How to Date Online as a Christian Woman:

1. Let the man contact you first.

I did not use the "poke" feature or any of the other features to let a man know I was interested in him. I did not send a man a message first. If he didn't contact me, we didn't connect. I would log on every day or so to check my messages, and I did search some, but never did I contact someone.

2. Be honest and bold immediately.

The first question I asked John was, "Are you a Christian?" Now I did not normally go around asking people I just met if they were Christians, but I also usually had more to go on than just a picture and an overly flattering profile. I felt I had nothing to lose. And I didn't. My reasoning was that if it scared him off, then good, I knew he wasn't the one for me. But if it didn't, then I had more information to work with. You will never meet these men in real life unless you agree to it, so you have nothing to lose in being bold.

3. Do not entertain inappropriate language or intentions.

With me there were no second chances. I know this sounds really harsh, but again, you have nothing to go on but the picture, the words he's written about himself, and what he writes to you. I did have a man say inappropriate things to me very early on in our communication. I did not get angry. I did not try to witness to him. I did not give him an explanation. I just blocked him. That was it.

4. Know your reasons for using the site.

Some people I knew, some of my friends, wanted to date. They did not want to sit home on the weekends. So their objective was to get as many dates as possible. I did not want to date. I wanted to get married. If you’re using the site to just have fun meeting as many men as possible, then don't follow any of the suggestions I listed here. But if you want to date, then pursue marriage with the intent to marry, you will be wise to treat online dating just like you would dating in any other way.

Today’s Challenge is to pray over the opportunities God is giving you. Allow the Holy Spirit to determine for you if online dating websites are something you should use. If you do use them, allow the man to pursue you 100%. Don’t compromise culture or technology for God’s design.

Lord, I do not understand your ways. The Bible makes it clear that your thoughts are far away from my thoughts. Please help me, then, to discern your will. Help me to see open doors of opportunity if they are from You. Lead me wisely when making decisions about dating, and please protect me along the way.

“‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.’” Isaiah 55:8-9

1.  Have you ever considered using an online dating service? What were your experiences? Is there anything you could have done to make those experiences different?

2.  What are the biggest cautions to be aware of when using an online dating website?

3.  Do you think God uses online dating websites to bring people together?

“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” 2 Corinthians 6:14

For years these words were my litmus test. When I asked the question, "Are you a Christian?" if the answer was "yes,” then it was a go.

I think most of us would agree that the Bible makes God’s thoughts about Christians dating and marrying non-Christians very clear. Simply do not do it. This isn't to be exclusionary or puffed up with pride. It is to be able to do more for God's kingdom which is ultimately the reason for marriage in the first place.

So there is no arguing that being a Christian should be on “the list” as discussed in Challenge 11.

Except that my litmus test sometimes failed me, and I realized that there is more to being equally yoked than just being saved.

Two Ways of Looking at Yoke

The first visual that comes to my mind is obviously an egg. I think of the yoke being God or the Holy Spirit, and I think of two eggs, two people, having different amounts of God within them (Not literally, but in a sense of maturity. The Holy Spirit gives us all that we need when we accept Christ [1 Peter 1:3-4]). This would be unequally yoked.

From my understanding of scripture, however, God was not referring to eggs, even though this helps me. In the concordance of my Life Application Study Bible NIV the term “yoked” means "wooden crossbar linking two load-pulling animals."[ii]

This is a nice visual, too. And one that better helps me understand that being unequally yoked goes further than salvation. In this visual two animals are working hard to pull a load, and there is a bar connecting them.

In a serious dating relationship and definitely in marriage there are two people working hard to pull the load of ensuring the health of the relationship. The bar connecting them is their commitment to each other. If both people are not working to pull their equal load, then the relationship may suffer. This is just like if one animal is not pulling its equal load, not as much work is accomplished.

Two people who are equally mature, through the power of the Holy Spirit, to do work for the Lord will accomplish more.  Being equally yoked in spiritual maturity is important so that the work the Lord calls you to do together will be brought to fruition and multiplied.

Think of it this way. Think of the one thing on this earth that you are passionate about. That you love more than anything. That you could not live without. That you talk about dream about and pursue.

What if your boyfriend/husband did not feel the same way? Would it be as fun to talk about it? Would you like participating in it together? Would you become resentful or feel you were being held back because he didn't share your passion with you?

In a surrendered life, this is how you should feel about Jesus. If you are surrendered in this way, then your one desire is to share your passion with the one human being on this earth who means more than anything to you. If it is not reciprocated in a similar way, a void in your heart will begin to develop.

The void will begin in the desires God grows in you and the decisions you have to make to honor His plans. You want to tithe, but he doesn't see the importance. You want to go on a mission trip, but he doesn't want you to go. You can't have a baby, but he doesn't see value in adoption. You want to stay home to be a full-time mother, but he wants a more convenient lifestyle. You want to pray together, but he can never find the time.

The problems with being unequally yoked in spiritual maturity shows up when God continues to stir up your heart, but your husband is not in a place yet to accept the stirrings. (And no, it is not always the woman who is more spiritually mature, but I'm talking to women here, so I'm using them as the example.)

Now, no two people are ever in the exact same place spiritually. There will always be ebb and flow, and a lot of times one person is walking closer to God than the other person. However, when you're dating think past merely "Are you a Christian?" Yes, this is important, and the most important, question. However the more similar you are, the better. Opposites only attract when the romantic emotions are the highest. And in romantic comedies!

I challenge you to hold out for God's best. His very best! Not out of pride or just plain being picky, but out of being so close to God that you want someone to share that same passion. You will be able to do miracle work for Him when both of you are pursuing the same goals and have the same life view.

Dear Jesus, thank you for giving me guidelines to help me when I’m making decisions about whom to date. I know that these guidelines are to bring you the ultimate glory by accomplishing your purposes through me. I pray for continued wisdom when I am discerning whom to date. Help me to see all that I need to see in order to make a wise decision.

“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” 2 Corinthians 6:14

“His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.” 1 Peter 1:3-4

1.  What is the biggest allure to dating someone who is not equally yoked to you?

2.  Does fear play a factor when deciding when to hold out for God’s best? How can you counteract your fear?

3.  Imagine your life five years down the road, married to the man who is not equally yoked with you. How could this make life more difficult in a practical sense?

Courtship. I really don’t like that word. I don't know why. Well, actually I do know the reason. Besides the fact that it sounds really old, out-of-date, and out-of-touch, it was the word used in many Christian dating books I read when I was single. My only problem was that I didn't have the opportunity of courtship like the authors of these books described.

Courtship in the books I read went something like this:

A young man asks a young girl on a date. Then he comes over to her house to pick her up where her mother and father greet him at the door. They have a lovely chat. Off the young couple go on their first date. This pattern repeats once a week for several months. Then the young man decides he wants to date the girl seriously. So he arranges to meet with her father and asks his permission to "court" her. They meet. The father gives his blessing. And the courting begins. After a little while they most likely decide to marry and live happily ever after.

Now please don't get me wrong. I love the idea of courtship. I think parental involvement is the ideal way to lead a young woman and man into a wise decision about marriage. I want this for my daughter.

However, this was not my reality, so as I read this Utopia state of finding a spouse, I felt hopeless. This is most likely not your reality either.

I did not date much in high school, and then I went away to college and didn't live with my parents or even in the same city as my parents. That is not to say that courtship with a lot of parental involvement was not possible, but it does mean that my boyfriends and I would have to be more intentional and very mature.

But even if I had lived at home I don't think I would have experienced courtship as described above. In order for parents to be able to guide their daughter in courtship, they themselves must first be knowledgeable about the importance of being involved. This most likely comes from a firm foundation in God’s Word. I do not think my parents were knowledgeable about courtship.

However, that doesn't mean that I still could not have benefited from courtship on my own as an intentional means of pursuing marriage.

What are the benefits of intentionally pursuing marriage?

So often dating is done with selfish motives - to have a good time, to kill loneliness, to get free sex - without any real purpose. Going through the phases of dating and then pursuing marriage gives the process purpose and allow both people time to really discern God's will. It helps to alleviate that common feeling we get as women when we start to ask, "What are we doing here? What is this? Is this going anywhere or am I just wasting my time?" You know, when we feel the need for “the talk.”

Phase 1: Dating

Right now in our society we have dating really, really wrong, and I was sucked into it just like everyone else. Dating has become a scenario that looks like this:

Two people go on a first date. Then they talk for hours on the phone two days later. The day after that they see each other again. Then they start seeing each other every other day and all weekend long. Two weeks later they are serious - not dating anyone else - and the rest is history. They become committed in a matter of a couple of weeks.

Dating should look like this:

1. A man meets a woman that he finds attractive or thinks he has things in common with, so he asks her on a date.

2. They go on a date.

3. They talk on the phone or over email a few times that week.

4. A week or more later they go on another date.

5. There is communication between the two of you that right now you are just dating - without a commitment - and then you'll decide if you want to become serious.

6. This continues for a while (and both of you may continue to date other people in the same way).

Dating in this way gives you time to truly think and discern God's will and His best before your emotions get so entangled that it takes a major event to separate yourself from the man you are dating. There is no commitment, and there is not talk of marriage. This is the phase where all you do is get to know each other and gain information to then make a decision of whether you want to pursue marriage or not.

Phase 2: Pursuing

The pursuing phase comes after dating, and its sole purpose is to intentionally pursue marriage.

Pursuing should look like this:

1. The man makes the decision that he wants to date only you and no one else, and he communicates this with you. Ideally he should communicate that the purpose is to pursue marriage. However, honestly, not many guys are taught this, so he may not say those words.

2. You then decide if you want to accept his offer. You can say no. And I think it is okay at this point, if he does not clarify that the purpose is to pursue marriage, for you to state that you want to continue, but you want the purpose to be to prayerfully pursue marriage.

3. The two of you continue to date, in a committed relationship. You get to know each others' friends and family. You explore the topics I listed yesterday. And you have fun getting to know each other!

4. After some time, but not an infinite amount of time, when God leads him, the man discusses marriage with you. I'm not going to put "time limits" on these things because there are none. But I will say that dating, or courting, for years is usually not the best idea. First of all it creates a lot of temptation. Secondly, more times than not the answer is clear, but the two people are just afraid to move on separately. And thirdly, the longer you are in this stage the further invested your heart will become.

Now I might know what you are worried about:

What if we're dating like described above, but he meets someone else or starts dating someone else seriously?

What if he doesn't want to move slowly through these steps?

Remember, God is sovereign. If you are truly seeking God with all of your heart, He is going to bless you. You do not have to manipulate or rush or persuade to "catch" the man.

If he does not honor your request to move through these two steps, then you have learned something about him. Something about his character, who he is as a person, and possibly his relationship with Christ. This is information, and right now that's all you are responsible for - gaining information to take into prayer in order to make a Godly, wise decision.

Does that mean that if you go through these steps perfectly God will always bless you with this man, the man you want? Absolutely not. But He is still sovereign. His answer may be to protect you, and it's always to give you something better.

Another note, and this is true of all men, they will fight for the woman they want. Meaning if he truly wants to pursue a relationship and marriage with you, he will do whatever it takes. That's how they are made. We just have to enjoy it!

If you are in a serious relationship right now, are you dating with the pursuit of marriage? Is that your purpose - to discern marriage? Ask God to give you patience to take your relationship slow so that you can truly discern His best for you without becoming overly attached emotionally. If you are not dating anyone seriously right now, pray that when you do God will bless you with patience as well. Also, ask God to bring men into your life you will support dating and pursuing marriage as a process to discern His will.

Jesus, I want my motives and intentions for dating and courtship to be pure. Please guide me and help me to be patient. Please show me when I am becoming overly committed or attached. Help me to step back and discern the relationship truthfully always putting your will first. I pray for my future spouse. Please guide him right now, and help him, too, to grow closer to you each day.

“But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.” Romans 8:25

“Give discernment to me, your servant. Then I will understand your laws.” Psalm 119:125 (NLT)

“But if we were more discerning with regard to ourselves, we would not come under such judgment.” 1 Corinthians 11:31

1.  In your past dating relationships, did you move forward full-steam ahead, or did you patiently go through a season of dating and courtship (or pursuing marriage)?

2.  If your parents are not actively involved in your dating relationships (for whatever reason), how can you maintain a pattern of patience while moving through the process of Godly discernment?

3.  What are some steps you can take if your date or now boyfriend is not on the same page as far as moving through intentional steps of dating and pursuing marriage?

"When it's right, you'll just know."

These words sum up the advice of most married people when asked by a single person how they knew their spouse was "the one," which of course brings no comfort to the one trying to figure it out.

I have talked a lot about lists and actions to do and not to do based on my experience, and I pray all of this helps you to think about things that you can do to create a peaceful, God-honoring life and relationship. However, no one is perfect, there is not a perfect guy (nor a perfect girl), and most likely there will be some conflict and issues to get through in your dating relationship.

So how do you know it's right in the midst of real-life disagreements and arguments? How do you know you are making the right decision? How do you know the "issues" aren't red flags?

There is some truth to the statement "When it's right you just know," but I want to take that a step further and define it.

When it is right, there is PEACE!

In every other dating relationship I was in before John there was always something in the pit of my stomach or in the back of my mind that just told me. Told me it wasn't right. I believe this was the Holy Spirit. I mentioned previously that I was so attached to a relationship once that I knew was wrong, but was just not ready to let go, that I literally asked for God's protection until I could get out. By His grace, He did protect me; however He had every reason to make me learn the hard way. I have also heard countless stories of people who said that as they walked down the aisle to be married they knew something was not right.

So instead of giving you a list of how to know it's right, I'm going to give you a list of how I knew it was wrong either when I was in the relationship or now looking back.

The relationship is wrong when:

You are rationalizing the relationship to yourself or others.

You are hiding things about him to friends and family.

You do not feel pursued (in a healthy way, not in a selfish, prima donna way!).

You are denying who you are along with your beliefs, values, and dreams.

You feel yourself trying to save him from addictions or issues (more on this later).

You are obsessed about losing him or you are constantly trying to please him.

So what if he's the perfect, Christian man, but you still have a gut feeling that something isn't right?

This does happen because ultimately God is sovereign over all our lives. He sees and understands everything - past, present, and future. He is not limited by time or space. And God has an ultimate purpose that He is trying to accomplish.

Just because a man is "perfect", he may not be perfect for you.

In this case, what do you do? You continue to wait. You are patient. You do not move forward until you have a clear direction from God. And you try to overanalyze or rationalize it. Then, if God tells you to walk away, you walk way, no matter how wonderful the man.

If you are in a relationship, and it just doesn't seem right, I encourage you to ask someone to pray with you and maybe even fast with you so that you can get clear, confident direction from God. Ask God to give you the courage to be obedient. If the thought of breaking things off makes you sick, go into it with the mindset that it's okay to be sad and mourn it. Ask God to give you comfort.

Lord Jesus, you tell me in your Word that when I ask for wisdom I am sure to receive it (James 1:5). Please give me wisdom to know when you have brought me the man you want me to marry. I do not want to be double-minded, trying to rationalize your best for me. Thank you, Lord, for your gift of wisdom. May I use it for your glory.

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:5

“I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better.” Ephesians 1:17

1.  Have you ever struggled with discerning if a man you are dating is “the one”? What advice did you receive from others that left you frustrated?

2.  Do you truly believe that God gives us all the wisdom we need when we ask Him for it?

3.  Do you think that feeling peaceful is a way to discern if a relationship is God’s will, or do you think that sometimes people can feel peace and it still not be right?

This challenge is hard for me to write.  I have prayed for wisdom, but the topic is so much larger than my scope of knowledge.  Truthfully a trained counselor or psychologist should be explaining the ramifications of trying to save someone – anyone for that matter.

I’m not talking about salvation.  We have already determined that dating a non-Christian is not a biblical option. I’m talking about trying to save someone from themselves.

So I am going to tell you my story, and what I know to be true.

Dating to save is extremely dangerous.

Before my husband there were three other men whom I dated seriously.  All three of them were Christians.  Two of them I met at church, and I attended church weekly with all them. But they all needed saving.  Saving from pornography. Saving from alcoholism.  Saving from homosexuality.

Through the enemy’s deception, I thought I was the saver.

Satan had a field day.

My desire for marriage more than God, along with not knowing my true identity in Christ, and not wanting to abandon someone who was in need, led me to heartbreak that I still deal with to this day.

There was no other option than to seek Christian counseling, which I did, from five different people over the years. One Christian counselor shared these words from Romans with me.

These words freed me from the burden of being a savior.

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Romans 12:18

“As far as it depends on you” – that is what Paul says. These issues were obviously bigger than anything short of Jesus himself could overcome, and yet I thought it depended on me.  I thought I was Jesus.  But I wasn’t.  It wasn’t my responsibility.  These weren’t my choices.  It wasn’t possible for me to heal these men.  Only God could heal them – if He chose to. By trying to heal them myself I was actually hindering what God wanted to do in me and in them.

There were only two things I needed to do:

1. Get out of the relationships and end all communication.

THEN...

2. Pray for him.

I do not want you to carry into your future or marriage any of the baggage that comes with trying to save someone. I encourage you to seek wise Christian counseling immediately if you are in a relationship where there are major issues and a pattern of trying to save a man from himself.

You do not want to wake up one day, look back to circumstances you were aware of, and be suffering because of them. Pray right now if you are in a pattern of trying to save a man for the courage and boldness to get out of the situation.  He cannot be who he needs to be for you or who you need him to be if he is dealing with huge issues.  You show him and yourself more love by letting him go and allowing God to heal him as He sees fit. That is my challenge to you today.

Lord Jesus, please protect me from whatever might be in my past that gives me the desire to “save” men I date. I know that this is a dangerous road to travel, and I know being involved with men on this emotional level is not your will. Please give me wisdom for when I am faced with these type situations. Remind me often that you are the only Savior.

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Romans 12:18

1. Have you ever found yourself in a situation with a man where you were either consciously or subconsciously trying to “save him” from something? What specifically did that look like to you?

2. Why is it not wise for women to be in a situation of counseling men through severe emotional situations?

3. What could be the result of continuing to date someone in hopes that they will change or you will “save them”?

You might have wondered when it was coming. Surely I was going to write about it, right? How could I not?

In our world it is the enemy’s most well designed trap. Taking something God gave us as a gift to create souls and using it.  To kill. To steal. To destroy.  Those very creations.

The traps are not just set during a certain age of life. They are scattered throughout, set to capture our peace and turn our heads from God whenever there is a foothold.

Sensuality. Lust. Pornography. Premarital sex. Adultery. Abortion. Slave trade. Sexual abuse.

The range is long and wide. It is all sexual sin, and when the trap buckles down it is hard to get out. And then when we do, the scars are still there as reminders of where we’ve been.

Whether you are a victim of sexual sin or whether you chose sexual sin, you have experienced the scars that are left behind. Scars that affect who you are, what you believe about God and yourself, and the choices you make today.

You may say to me, “How can you put premarital sex in with all those other sexual sins? There is no comparison!” I am not trying to compare them.  I am showing you what a severe hold Satan has on our world through sex.

As single adults, Satan wants you to believe in the apple.  Remember what he said to Eve that day in the garden?

“Eve, Eve, oh come on!  This? An apple? A mere apple?  Please!  It can’t harm you.  No! It will help you to see.  It will help you to make sure it’s right.  It will give you knowledge.  Come on, Eve.  Don’t be naïve!” (paraphrased by me)

He is trying to deceive us.  Deceive us through a culture that says it’s not a big deal. It doesn’t affect marriages. It protects marriages. It isn’t sin. Look at all the other sexual sins that are so much worse.

So what is the big deal? What is it hurting?  If both people want to have sex with each other, then why does it matter?

Satan’s biggest threat in this world is strong, healthy, Christian marriages and families. Strong, healthy, Christian marriages create strong, healthy, Christian children who do what? Grow up to do the same.  And serve God.  And grow His kingdom.  And honor and glorify Him. Who Satan hates.

The deception is subtle, and the consequences are even more subtle. But they are there. Sometimes in marriage when things just aren’t going right and you can’t figure out why, so you go to a counselor or someone who can help, they trace back and reveal to you that it’s from past sexual sin. It shows up in other places sometimes completely unrelated to sex.

Everything you do outside of marriage you will take into marriage, and you will have no choice but to deal with them there.

Some of the consequences from sexual sin:

lack of trust

fear of being left

insecurity

sexual problems

shame and guilt

feeling of never being good enough

memories from the past

lack of peace

tarnished testimony

If we ask Christians and non-Christians if they would recommend or desire for their children to have sex before marriage, I believe most, even today, would say they would rather them wait.

Why?

It is because we know the consequences all too well, and we know how beautiful a marriage can be by waiting. We also know what has to be overcome by not.

If you choose to have sex outside of marriage, just know that there are consequences. I think, as Christians, there is no need to debate whether or not it is sin, and we know it most definitely breaks God’s heart, but also go into it knowing that you are missing out on something beautiful on the other side – a marriage set on firm trust and commitment without baggage from the past.

But what if it’s too late?

There is Jesus! Jesus Who makes all things new.  Our Redeemer.  Our Savior.  Who came to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and release the oppressed! So please do not read this and allow Satan to deceive you with guilt and shame and self-condemnation. Receive Jesus’ grace from the Cross and allow Him to heal you and your future marriage. He will do it!  There may still be consequences, but He will use them all for His glory. We all fall short from His perfect will, but through the Cross all things are made new.

I know that this Challenge may hit you very hard. I want you to know that I write it with the deepest sincerity and sensitivity.  If you are a victim of sexual sin, or if you just have been involved in sexual sin, please see a Christian counselor who can help you.  More than anything I want to bring to light Satan’s deception. He is killing our lives and our world through sexual sins of all types, including premarital sex and the idea that “it’s not a big deal.”  It is a big deal.

I am praying many, many blessings and prayers over each woman who reads this.

Today’s Challenge is for you to get angry about this.  Get angry about what Satan wants to take from you.  I know it is not easy.  I know that you are the minority in so many ways.  Pray and ask God to give you strength and boldness.  And pray for a mentor!  This is the one area where there has to be accountability.  Sweet Sisters in Christ, I am praying for you on this subject.

Lord Jesus, I know that you make all things new. You forgive me of my sins when I confess them to you and turn away from them. You are my Redeemer. By your blood I am forgiven. Thank you, Lord, for your forgiveness. Please heal the deepest parts of my being, even the parts I’m not aware of, that need healing from either my own sexual sin or sexual sin that has been committed against me. Help me to be whole again. Please protect me from Satan’s trap – the trap that he has set in so many areas of our lives and culture. Help me to turn to you first in my time of temptation. Thank you, Jesus.

“Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.” 1 Peter 5:8-9

“Jesus said to them, ‘If God were your Father, you would love me, for I have come here from God. I have not come on my own; God sent me. Why is my language not clear to you? Because you are unable to hear what I say. You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father's desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies. Yet because I tell the truth, you do not believe me! Can any of you prove me guilty of sin? If I am telling the truth, why don't you believe me? Whoever belongs to God hears what God says. The reason you do not hear is that you do not belong to God." John 8:42-47

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10:10

1. We cannot argue that sex outside the context of marriage, in any way or form, is not God’s plan for us. So what do you think are Christians’ main ways of justifying it or rationalizing it to themselves?

2. Do you believe the Bible when it says that the enemy comes to “steal, kill, and destroy”? What evidence have you seen of this in your own life?

3. What are some other ways that Satan sneaks in lies about sex besides the more obvious – sex outside of marriage? Where else are these lies in our culture?

Yesterday we talked about the trap that Satan has on this world when it comes to sex. It is everywhere we turn worming its way into our minds, our homes, and even our children.

As Christians, I think most of us would not argue that premarital sex is a sin. Scripture makes this clear. But as Christian singles sometimes we are willing to commit the offense and deal with the consequences because the alternative is so hard. And it is hard. It is so hard to refrain from sex that it is supernatural, and only the Holy Spirit within you can do it.

So we eventually resolve to the fact that premarital sex is not an option. We are good with that. We can handle it. And we have no problem communicating it to those we date. It's good.

Until we get into a situation. Sex isn't going to happen. That has been established. But what about this, and this, and this? You know what the “this's” are. Are they okay? Surely God didn't mean all of these other sexual things too?

And we ask, "How far can I push the line without making God mad?"

One of the hardest things, I think, for single adults, and especially for older single adults, is the fact that you are an adult. And you want to do adult things. I know this. You want go on trips with your boyfriend. You don't want to have to drive home at 1:00 in the morning after watching a movie or going to dinner with friends. You don't want to sleep on the couch.

So the line gets drawn. Here. Then you are there. So the line gets drawn again. And the line keeps getting drawn.

But what we don't understand is that this is not a quest to see how many times we can draw the line and not make God mad. It's not about keeping God happy with us at all.

It's about accepting His protection over us so that we can remain holy, blameless, without reproach, and we can point others to Him and receive His joy (Colossians 1:22; Philippians 2:13-17).

“For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him. Do evertything without complaining and arguing, so that no one can criticize you. Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, just like your faithful service is an offering to God. And I want all of you to share that joy.” Philippians 2:13-17 (NLT)

And I love these verses in The Message:

“That energy is God’s energy, an energy deep with you, God himself willing and working at what will give him the most pleasure. Do everything readily and cheerfully-no bickering, no second-guessing allowed! Go into the world a breath of fresh air in this squalid and polluted society. Provide people with a glimpse of good living and of the living God. Carry the light giving Message into the night so I’ll have good cause to be proud of you on the day that Christ returns. You’ll be living proof that I didn’t go to all this work for nothing.” Philippians 2:13-17 (The Message)

I cannot tell you where the line is. Some people say it is not even kissing before the wedding. Others say kissing anywhere and anything is fine (which, just as a side note, I disagree with)! God didn't even give us these specific guidelines.

What I can tell you is:

Shame is not present in holiness.

Guilt is not present in blamelessness.

Fear is not present in joy.

Embarrassment is not present in being a light to the world.

Second-guessing is not present in wisdom.

If you have any of these feelings or thoughts, then the Holy Spirit is speaking to you. God wants us to be set-apart from the world so that we are protected from what the world experiences and so that we can be representatives to His grace and power.

God will so bless you above your wildest dreams for "suffering" for Him now by denying yourself and being without blame or reproach. This is how you bring people to Christ, and this is the testimony you will one day have to share with your sweet children. Single friends, your Challenge today is to strive for holiness and purity no matter what your age or past experiences. God makes all things new, and He will bless and honor your present attempts even if your past was not blameless. Pray for protection over Satan's schemes, and pray for God to bring to you a man who will honor your convictions. I am praying for you, too!

Lord, forgive me for misusing your grace as an excuse to continue to sin. Forgive me for testing you and for not simply wanting to honor you above all else. Lord, I know that finding “the line” should not be something I even consider. I should not be looking for how much I can get without getting into trouble. Forgive me for doing this. Today, Lord, help me to be blameless and beyond reproach so that I can serve you by being your disciple.

“But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation.” Colossians 1:22

“For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, "children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation." Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain. But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you.” Philippians 2:13-17

1. Have you ever found yourself questioning “the sex line?” How is doing this displeasing to God?

2. Whose responsibility is it to “draw the line” in a relationship? Is it the man’s or the woman’s or both?

3. How does drawing inappropriate sexual lines affect your testimony to others?

I want to blame everyone else for the pain I experienced during my single years. I want to blame my friends for not telling me. My parents for not leading me. And the men for just leading me on. It is easier to throw down the gavel on them for not opening my eyes. For not helping me to see.

But then again, would my eyes have opened even so? Because my heart was doing the seeing. And my heart was not looking at God.

“Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” Proverbs 4:23 (NLT)

Our hearts carry within them every possibility of our existence. They physically beat to give us a body to live in. They pump our souls so that our lives have meaning and we can know our Creator. Out of the beating and the pumping comes the life we live. That can be a life of peace. Or it can be a life of unrest.

As He created our hearts for these purposes, God tells us to guard our hearts above all else.

I didn't guard my heart. I didn't think it was my responsibility. I thought it was theirs.

It is important to own your own heart. For a reason I do not know, I did not understand this when I was dating. I thought it was their responsibility as men, and as Christians, to protect my heart. I had it so wrong.

It is true that we all will be held accountable for how we treat others and how we show love towards others. This includes the men we date. So in this regard, men, like all of us, have a responsibility to show Christ’s love to one another. However, it is not a man’s responsibility to protect our hearts. God is the one who protects our heart, and He does this when we rejoice in Him.

Your heart is yours. No one else's. Out of it comes your life. Your life in a physical sense, and the life you create here on earth. Your life is made to honor God. It is made to serve God. And God wants you to experience His peace through a relationship with Him.

As a Christian, single woman, take responsibility for your heart. Guard it. Above all else.

But how do I guard my heart?

This entire book is about how to guard your heart. When we put our relationship with Jesus first, loving Him, and completely surrender to His plans and His will, with the intent of bringing Him glory, then we are guarding our hearts.

Does that mean I will never get hurt?

Absolutely not. The goal in guarding your heart is not to restrict pain. It is to open up your heart to loving God in such a way that nothing will take His place. Even if you experience heartbreak, you know that God’s purposes will be accomplished through it, and you know that He will provide for your needs through that struggle.

Today’s Challenge is to seek God above all else. This is how you will guard your heart, and this is how you will experience God’s peace.

Lord Jesus, I want you to be my heart’s gatekeeper. I want you front and center in my life so that I am always looking to you to provide for me whatever my needs may be. I know that this is how I guard my heart. I also know that this is how I will experience your peace. Thank you, Jesus, for allowing me the opportunity to know you through your death on the Cross. May the Cross be my benchmark for guarding my heart.

"Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life." Proverbs 4:23 (NLT)

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:4-7

1.  What do you think is the primary purpose for guarding your heart? Is it so that you will not experience pain or heartbreak? Or is it so that you can love God?

2.  Do you agree that it is not a man’s responsibility to guard your heart?

3.  How does God give us His peace when we guard our hearts by putting Him first in our lives?

“Girls Are Like Apples”

a poem by Rose Rosado[iii]

Girls are like apples on trees,

The best ones are at the top of the tree.

The boys don't want to reach for the good ones

Because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Instead, they get the rotten apples from the ground

That aren't as good but easy.

So the apples up top think something is wrong with them in

Reality they are amazing.

They just have to wait for the right boy to come

Along....

I came across this poem as I originally wrote this series, and I think it sums up nicely many of the fears that women have about themselves and the type of “apple” they are.

If your lifestyle or relationship with God has reflected that of a rotten apple, I want to assure you with the utmost fortitude that God loves you. He wants to know you. In His eyes you are everything but rotten, and He never meant for you to feel that way about yourself.

We are all rotten without Jesus. We were born rotten. It is a part of the original sin. None of us, and I mean none of us, come even close to being good without Jesus. Not even those “good apples” at the top who make it look so easy. They, too, were rotten. They’ve just found the only One who makes them ripe.

God wants to make you ripe, too.

Dear Sister in Christ, I urge you with all of my heart to turn to Jesus – the only One who can make you new, clean, and ripe. Simply talk to Him. Tell Him that you know you are a sinner. Tell Him that you are sorry for your sins. Tell Him that you know that He is the only Savior – the One who came to earth, died on the Cross, and rose three days later so that you could have eternal life and abundant life here, on earth, in a relationship with Him. Tell Him that you are ready to turn your life over to Him. He will make you new. He will give you all that you are seeking – the things that this world and no man can every give you.

If you are the apple on the top already, you know Jesus, you love Jesus, but you just do not experience His peace on a regular basis, I urge you to not turn away but run towards Him with more zeal than you ever have before. Make your life completely His – no holding back. Surrender, sweet friend. God want you to experience His goodness now. A relationship with Him gives us life eternally, yes, but it also gives us life now. Life that you will not experience fully unless you completely surrender.

Satan, our spiritual enemy, wants you to believe that you are rotten, too rotten to ever overcome your past, too rotten to ever be made ripe, too rotten to experience the life only God can give through Jesus here on earth. Don’t believe him. It is a lie. If it wasn’t a lie then there would have been no need for the Cross. If this is you, turn to God. Tell him your fears and allow Him to heal you. If you consider yourself a “good apple” be careful of the other lie that Satan tells us – that we’re good enough, that we don’t need God, that we are good in our own power. These, too, are lies that keep you from God. If this is you, thank God for His gift of protection. Don’t take any of the credit, and continue to surrender to Him daily.

Jesus, thank you, thank you, thank you for making us “good apples”. Apart from you there is nothing good. You are goodness. Please forgive me of my pride for ever thinking that any of my goodness is from me and my choices. It all comes from you. Help me, Lord, to continue to surrender to you daily. Change me from the inside out. Heal me. Make me new. I love you, dear Jesus. Thank you for eternal life and life here and now.

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Romans 3:23

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8

“He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy.” Titus 3:5

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast.” Ephesians 2:8-9

“For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:23

“If you declare with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.  For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved.” Romans 10:9-10

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James 1:17

“The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.” John 10:10 NLT

“The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.” John 10:10 NKJV

1.  Does the belief that your past is too “bad” prevent your from fully pursuing a relationship with Jesus? What does scripture say about this?

2.  Do you find yourself thinking that you and your life are “good enough” and that you do not need to fully surrender to Jesus? What are the dangers in this type of thinking?

3.  Do you truly believe in the abundant life here on earth that God promises through Jesus (John 10:10)? What holds you back from fully believing this truth?

Cover Design and Formatting by Fount of Inspiration

www.FountofInspiration.com

Editing by Mandy Roberson

www.MandyRoberson.com

Brenda believes that the stories of our past create freedom in our futures. Her desire is to tell the stories God has woven through her life so that others may discover and experience freedom through Him in their own lives.

Brenda lives in North Carolina with her two miracles: her husband, John, who God physically saved through a heart transplant after a dramatic battle with Cardiomyopathy and their baby girl, who was born afterwards from their three hearts.

As a southern girl she will always consider Georgia, where she grew up, her home; looks forward to watching University of Georgia football with John in the fall; loves everything with sugar but likes tofu, too; considers herself a runner most of the time; and can talk for hours about Jesus and our culture.

Brenda writes at www.BrendaHRodgers.com and is a contributing writer at www.IntentionalbyGrace.com.

You may also connect with her through Facebook at facebook.com/TripleBraided and Twitter at twitter.com/TripleBraided.

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Chapter 15: Use Your Life for Something Big

[i] Leslie Ludy, Sacred Singleness, (Eugene: Harvest House, 2009), 126.

Chapter 18: Make Sure You’re Equally Yoked

[ii] New Life Application Study Bible, (Wheaton: Tyndale Publishers, 1991), 2500.

Chapter 25: Be the Apple on the Top

[iii] Rose Rosado, Poems About, September 28, 2012, http://www.poemsabout.com/poet/rose-rosado/.