This Could Be LOVE

A Biblical Perspective

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

By Jennifer Johnson

Copyright Jennifer Johnson 2013

All rights reserved

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, without the written permission of Jennifer Johnson

This book is dedicated

to

My husband, Richard

Contents

How to use this book

4

Dating or Courting

7

Acknowledgements

8

Testimonials

9

Weeks 1-12

1

Wink-Wink

11

2

Social Media

21

3

TBCH (To be completely honest)

29

4

Is this real?

37

5

Not Now

46

6

Accountability

55

7

I’m not the first

65

8

Unselfish Love

77

9

She’s a rainbow

85

10

He’s black and white

93

11

God made “IT”

101

12

My Father told me so

109

What is a Christ Follower?

118

Couple bios

120

How to use this book

I am very passionate about marriage and its importance.  I also truly believe that a solid marriage is one of the enemy’s biggest targets for attack. You can have all of the programs you want to offer a child a better, more stable life. But give them parents that love each other and have a heart for God, and that’s about as rock solid as it gets.  It is my deepest heart’s desire that you will use this book and other resources available (first and foremost being God’s Word, the Bible) to build your relationship into one that makes the devil’s head spin!  Be committed to being different!

This book is designed and recommended to be used as a twelve-week devotion for couples that are courting. I believe that God has called me to write this book and has therefore equipped me to do so. It is my deepest desire that as you work through this book, you will grow closer together as well as develop a deeper love for the Lord.

It is recommended that you both have your own copy of this book. Because it is a devotional, you will want to make notes throughout. If you are using a downloaded version, you may want to have a notepad on hand.

This is how I have designed this book to work:

         Each week you will each read and study the content for that week separately.

         There are five questions per week for you to work through (one per day). These are meant for you to take the time to contemplate and answer thoughtfully.

         Next, you will see a personal testimony from either a man or woman who is already married about how God brought them together. I found these to be very meaningful and highly recommend reading each of them more than once.

         You will then have a critical thinking exercise to work through. These are real situations that can come up in a marriage, and this section will help you learn how important it is to work through difficulties. Working through these may seem silly now, but I promise they will prove to be useful tools in the future. Learning how to work things out lovingly at this stage in your relationship will be beneficial to you long after you are married.

         At the end of each chapter, you will find a scripture for memorization and a short prayer. I highly recommend learning scripture together. This is the living word of God and does not return void. The prayers are to help you to become comfortable praying together. Again, this is invaluable. Take each prayer and pray it out loud throughout the week to allow you to become comfortable hearing yourself pray.

         Once a week, at a time you both agree on, you will come together to work through that week’s content. Please take time to pray together before beginning. Go through each question and talk about what each of you wrote as answers. This will be awkward at times, but this book is meant to help you work through those types of feelings. Talk about your critical thinking exercise and how you thought it could be worked out lovingly. Next, say your scripture to each other, and close your time together by one or both of you reading the prayer out loud. This gets easier as time goes on. I promise. If you make this a habit early in your relationship, it will be something you learn to rely on from each other and will ultimately make your relationship deeper than anything else you can do.

*As a side note, I would like to encourage you to do this study in a public setting. Possibly a coffee shop or at home with others in the house. Doing devotions as a couple is very intimate and requires the same intentions to be guarded against temptation that you would take any other time.

*All scripture reference is taken from The New International Version unless otherwise noted.

Dating or Courting

What is the difference?

Dating is the time in a person’s life when they are actively pursuing romantic relationships with different people. It could be a time when they may consider taking the relationship to the next level.

Courting is still very much in practice today, although the term itself seems to be thought of as outdated. When courting, you have made a conscious decision to enter into a deeper relationship with the purpose of working toward marriage. Courtship is not something that you do many times as in dating. You should only enter into a courtship with someone you would consider marrying. When you are courting, you are praying together and are committed to purity. It is a commitment not only to grow in your relationship with each other but also to grow together in your relationship with God. However, not all courtships end in marriage. It is possible that you will find yourselves not led to marry and will part ways amicably.

Acknowledgements

With special thanks:

To my husband, Richard, for spending the past twenty-six years by my side, walking through all life has had for us. Thank you especially for your support as I have been busy writing this book. You are my forever rock!

To my sons, Kyle and Keith, for being the best sons a mother could ask for and loving me in all of my quirkiness. You make my heart full!

To my mother, Ethel, for typing this book in its entirety. I could never have done it without you. I love you so much!

To my editor, Terri Treloar, for the countless hours you have invested in this book. What an amazing friend you have been. You truly made this all possible in the final hour. I love you!

To my countless prayer partners, you know who you are; this is really a product of your prayers and you seeing me through this.

To my dear, lifelong friend, Brian Williams, and his wife, Claudia—To Brian, for your willingness to listen to God’s calling on your life. If you had not taught the book class and invited me to be a part of it, this would still be just a thought. You have made a huge impact on my life, even across the miles. And to Claudia, because you are an amazing woman of God who has made the sacrifices necessary for Brian to be available to all of us. I love you both dearly!

To my fellow book class friends, you have all been amazing and so supportive. My prayers are continually with you as you follow the Lord in finishing your books as well. Blessings, my friends.

Testimonials

Jen Johnson has a heart that is passionate for God and the Gospel, and she is always listening to His Word as she takes each forward step.  Her zeal is infectious.  May the Lord bless her, her family, and this book.

~~ Chris Pearce (Missionary Mother)

Jennifer Johnson is one of the strongest women of faith I know. After having a close relationship with her and her family for most of my life, I can confidently say that her focus in life is to love God and love others. She knows the power of relationships, and her passion for Godly relationships in life is at the core of who she is. You will find great insight from what she has to say as you read her book.

~~ Brian Williams (Pastor, Life Coach, Author)

God commands us to love one another. Courtship is a magical time in a love relationship. Teen years are challenging to navigate as a parent, and teaching your children to love is one of the greatest gifts we can offer them. This is a unique and incredible read. Jen Johnson shares great wisdom on this subject in a training guide written to ensure love evolves with respect for one another and love for God. I am so grateful that this material exists.

~~ Laura Jamison (Speaker, Consultant, Author, Coach)

This was a dream she had. This is a dream come true. In so many ways, this lovely devotional for young, courting couples is an answer to more than one prayer. It is an answer to her prayer to share with others all that God has taught her in her marriage to her AWESOME husband and best friend, Richard Johnson. It is also the answer to her prayer for a tool to help teach her boys to become the young men God created them to be. Jennifer only seeks to glorify the Lord with this amazing little book. I am humbled and privileged to be a part of her dream. She believed…and here it is!

~~ Terri Treloar (Editor)

I have had the privilege of being Jennifer’s pastor for some time now. I have never seen a more willing and humble servant who selflessly pursues the wellbeing of others more than herself. She is passionate and consistent. She is poised with both grace and truth. As you read the pages of this devotional, you will see that it captures the essence of her heart. It is also a witness to her passion for seeing marriages last a life time. If you’re planning to get married, I highly recommend that this devotional becomes a major part of those plans.

~~ Christian Ferris (Pastor)

Wink - Wink

Flirtation – Sizzle – Boom

Week 1

How to Take the First Step

in Entering

Into a Relationship

Before you even consider entering into a relationship, you should be spending a great deal of time praying for God to bring the right person into your life.  You should also be praying for that person as well.  Pray that he or she is looking to God to find you.

So you think you might like him or her? What next? Chances are you are already chatting with this person via texting or IM. What is your perception of this person? What’s your first instinct? The process of getting to know someone can be a bit of a challenge. Both of you are more than likely on your best behavior in front of the other person.  Now is the time to investigate the character of this person before changing the “status of your relationship.” Talk to people who are close to you and to those who know you both.  What is the general consensus?  Do others confirm his or her walk with God? Is it evident in all areas of their life? Is he or she liked by others?  Does this person have a good reputation?  For example: Do others see the same good qualities in this person when you aren’t around?

These are things you have to be willing to look at with a clear mind.  How well I remember those heart-stopping looks and the flirtation that can make your head spin.

This is the point where you have to take a deep breath and trust your instincts and the wise counsel of those closest to you. Is there anything that makes you go eeeek? This could be the Lord alerting you to slow down and take a long, hard look at where this is taking you.

Once you have engaged those closest to you for their opinion and you know that this person’s faith is at least as strong as yours, the next step is to decide whether or not this is the one you would like to get to know better. You should take this slow. Keep in mind that even if you think, “This could be the one,” it is still too soon to say, I love you! As we will discuss later, these three words are very serious and should not be used unwisely.

Okay Ladies… Please allow me to encourage you to be proper in the way in which you pursue the guy in your life. As a Christian young lady, please respect yourself enough to present yourself with modesty and humility. Why?  Because this is what the Bible instructs us to do in this area.  “Therefore I want the men everywhere to pray, lifting up holy hands without anger or disputing. I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.” I Timothy 2:8-10 (Msg). No, this does not mean you cannot wear nice clothes or accessorize. It means that you must seek to present modesty, decency, and propriety (morals) according to God’s standards, not our current culture. You want to make sure that you do not cause the young man to stumble because you present yourself in a lustful way.

You should want to move forward with a heart of purity. I would also like to encourage you to allow yourself to be pursued… you’ve earned it and deserve it!  “You are fearfully and wonderfully made.”  Psalms 139:14.  It’s not that you shouldn’t let your feelings be known, but don’t be the aggressor. This is a really exciting time in your relationship.  Consent to his pursuing you.  It will not only be a time of fun and anticipation for each of you but also a time for him to begin to grow into the leader God has called him to be in your relationship.

Guys…  This is a BIG deal for you!  Be of good character, stand up straight, put your shoulders back, and have some boldness! Start this relationship with good leadership skills.  Don’t mistake this to say you can be bossy or condescending. That is not attractive at all!!  Being a good leader and a strong pursuer can be accomplished with gentleness and kindness. She wants to know that you are strong enough to lead her but sweet enough to remember the color of her eyes from the first time you looked into them.

QUESTIONS FOR YOU TO CONSIDER

1.        Are you a Christ follower that is strong enough to be in a relationship? “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity. I Timothy 4:12.

There are a lot of “Christians” out there these days; but are you truly a seeker of God’s will for your life? (Please refer to the insert in the back of this book about what it means to be a Christ follower.)

2.       Have you prayerfully considered whether or not you are ready for this relationship? Do not be anxious about anything; but, in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6.

3.       Have you had any feelings at all that indicate that you should not begin a relationship with the other person? (Could there be anything you may be overlooking due to being charmed by this person?)The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction.  Proverbs 1:7.

4.       Do the people you are closest to you think it is wise to pursue this relationship? “Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.” Proverbs 13:10.

5.       Do you consider this person to be like-minded in their faith? Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?  II Corinthians 6:14.

His Story

I assume that by doing this book study you have someone that you are dating/courting. You are probably asking yourself questions like this: “How can I know for sure if this person is right for me?” “Is this the person God has for my life?” All of these questions are great things to be thinking and praying about as you continue to date/court the person you are with. I hope that by sharing my story with you I may be able to clear up some of these questions that you have about your relationship.

I grew up in the church and my first relationships were with girls from youth group. I loved the idea of getting married and having a family, but I was so focused on finding “the one” that I could not clearly see what was important in a relationship. I would date a girl thinking everything was going great and then boom. I would find myself single again. I just could not seem to get it right. This continued from relationship to relationship and it always ended the same way.  It got to the point where I got so frustrated that I just gave up. That was where everything started to change for me.

After taking a year of Bible College in upstate New York, I got a job as a maintenance worker at a local middle school. There I met a math teacher who seemed really nice and was super cute! We started chatting, and things moved forward from there. I found out that we both had an interest in music, and I got up the guts to text her one night. I mentioned the idea of getting together to play some music sometime. She said she would like to but that maybe we should grab some coffee first. I was nervous because it was the first time I had ever been out with a girl that I didn’t know very well. We had a great time and I found myself excited about the next time I would see her. We spent more and more time together and then she invited me to go on a road trip with her and her cousins to visit some family for New Year’s. At that time, I didn’t know that I was about to fall in love with her. On the trip I really got to see what she was like. You really get to know a lot about a person when you see them outside of their normal day-to-day life. To make a long story short, we dated, got engaged, and got married all in the span of one year. Seems really short, but when you know.... YOU KNOW! Here is how I knew:

1.     She loved God.

2.    We both had God at the center of our relationship.

3.    We had boundaries and the same beliefs about what a relationship should look like.

4.   I could not envision my future without her.

That is how you know that you have found the right person for you. If God is at the center of your relationship, you are both growing towards Him, and you come to the conclusion in your mind that living life without the other person is impossible, it very well may be that you have found “the one.”

I think that, in the beginning, my relationships did not work because I was focused on the wrong thing. I was focused on a person who could fulfill my life and didn’t realize that that was God’s role. Also, growing up in church didn’t mean that I was perfect. I struggled for years with pornography and it ruled and destroyed my life for a long time. I truly believe that it took me getting so frustrated with my relationships and hitting rock bottom with my struggle with pornography to know what a real relationship was. I found out what a true relationship was when I entered one not with a girl but with Christ. When I let go of everything and just let Him take full control of my life I was able to find true joy and a hot math teacher who is now my wife.

~~Andrew

God has already written your story

” For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

CRITICAL THINKING EXERCISE

Husband has had a hard day at work. He comes home late and is feeling stressed. Wife has been home all day and is thinking about home projects and to-do lists. She barely lets him take his shoes off and unwind before she starts hammering him with questions about when he can fix this or that and how much it's going to cost.

SRIPTURE FOR MEMORIZATION

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”  James 1:5

PRAYER

Dear Lord Jesus,

Thank you for always being there for me and helping me know your will for my life.  Lord, I have prayed for you to bring the right person to me and I think (insert name of that person) is the one I’ve waited for. Please continue to confirm this for both of us, Father.  Please keep us humble and loving as we grow together and help us to put You first in all we do and say.  Lead us as we study Your Word together.     Amen

Social Media

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Week 2

How to Use These Tools with Wisdom and

Keep Your Act Clean

Social Media in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing.  However, how you use it is where it can become questionable.

There are many different social media outlets that people can sign up for or download today to keep up with each other. I’m sure I do not even know all the different resources that exist, but I would like to talk about a few of the major ones that many people are using.

There are reportedly an estimated 750,000,000 users worldwide making Facebook the most widely used social media site in the world. Facebook, if used wisely, can be a great way to socialize with people all over the world. It can keep you just as connected to someone oversees as next door. It can also give you the sense of freedom to say and do things you would not normally do in person. This is where the BIG red flag should go up!

Just because you are in a relationship and you have this outlet does not mean you should share everything on Facebook. Just remember, learning what to share and what to keep private will help your relationship to grow. Besides, some things are not meant to be told to the world. The Bible tells us to guard our hearts and our minds. “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” Proverbs 4:23 (NLT)

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:2.

The only way to guard your heart and mind is to protect what God has given you.

One of the best ways to guard your heart and your relationship is by not getting too personal. Just because he is a good kisser doesn’t mean you have to tell a million people. Let’s not forget that a friend of a friend of a friend’s friend sees your post too.  If it’s really special to you, then you should be willing to guard its value by not flaunting it all over the web!

Don’t post pictures or quotes that are immodest or impure. Form some barriers to guard your page from others that post these things as well.

If someone is your friend but their content is not honoring God, then they should be removed or at least hidden from your newsfeed. Also, be cautious as to what you re-post. So many funny quotes or pictures come from inappropriate sites. Really be cautious as to what you allow to show up on your page. In order to save yourself from unkind comments or misquotes, take time to look at all pictures before you post them…make sure there is nothing indecent about them.

So, you have agreed to be in a committed relationship! How important is it to you?  I highly recommend that you take some time to sit down together to go through your friends list. Make a commitment to each other that you will allow “singles” of the opposite sex only if you both have them as friends. If either of you has an “ex,” you should either delete them or both of you add them to your page. I know this may sound extreme, but you don’t want anything to cast a shadow on your relationship. If you truly want to grow together in your knowledge of Christ, you need to be willing to do whatever is necessary to safeguard yourselves against that which does not bring glory to God.

Another media site that’s important to address is Snapchat. Having done some research and being checked by the Lord, I strongly advise you not to utilize this app. You ask why I feel so strongly about this? In my preparation in bringing this book to you, I have prayed much, sought wise counsel, and strongly believe God is showing me to warn you against the enemy’s deception regarding this site. Yes, many may disagree with me, but remember you are seeking to follow God’s will not man’s!  There are so many other ways to send pictures that are wiser and much less tempting.

Snapchat is very deceptive in its context as to why it exists. Once you download it, you are never, ever able to completely remove it from the Internet. According to a Forbes Report, May 9, 2013, Snapchat photos do not actually disappear. With minimal technical knowledge, images can be retrieved even after the time limit expires. Some people even have the ability to screen-shot them and save them. This application is a huge temptation and can lure you into areas that can bring devastating consequences. This app allows you the “availability” to send inappropriate content to each other…all the more reason, as a Christian, to stay away from this site. There are so many things that the enemy uses to tempt us; why would we download more? Maybe this would be a good time to look back to the scriptures on guarding our hearts, (Proverbs 4:23) and our minds (Romans 12:2) so your relationship can stay pure before God.

There are so many more outlets to address, but if you stay with the basic principle of being respectful to each other, keeping your act clean, and doing all things to honor God, you should be fine!

QUESTIONS FOR YOU TO CONSIDER

1.        Are there any pictures or content on your boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s Facebook page that you would like them to remove?

2.       Do you agree with who you have on your friends lists?

3.       Are there any social media outlets that your boyfriend/girlfriend uses that you wish he or she did not use?

4.       Do you feel like the other person shares too much personal information?

5.       Do you feel like the other person respects you and guards your relationship properly?

His Story

I met Rose at a roller rink where she was with her cousin. From there the friendship grew, and from time to time, we would go out on a dinner date. This went on for a few years. I remember taking her home and I would not get a kiss goodnight. Boy, she sure was a good hugger!

One year I was going to Florida to see my parents and she was going down there too to see her friend. We connected, I don’t remember how it all worked out, but we connected in Florida and she met my parents. Some people say “it is in the water” but we ended up together.

Rose was an inspiration to me and was always fun to be with during our dating years. She loved seafood, and before we officially started dating, when I would take her out to dinner, she always ordered the most expensive meal. We had a great courtship with fun times.

I knew that if I tried to make this work by myself I would have blown it again. So I prayed about it and left it in God’s hands whether or not He wanted me to have this woman. I was determined not to try to do anything on my own.

I asked her to marry me after dinner in Forum Diner. I had put the engagement ring in a small, clear plastic container from the toy machines at the diner. I gave it to her in the car. She said yes…and the rest is history.

~~Tony

God has already written your story

” For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

CRITICAL THINKING EXERCISE

The husband loves surprises and big gatherings. He only assumes his wife must feel the same. They haven't even been married a year, and for her birthday he plans a big surprise birthday party. He invites mostly his friends because her friends don't live nearby. The night ends in tears and pain. Come to find out, it is the last thing his wife would have wanted. She would have loved to have had a quiet night at home with just him.

SCRIPTURE FOR MEMORIZATION

“Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” Proverbs 4:23 (NLT)

PRAYER

Dear Lord Jesus,

We ask that you would guard our hearts and minds, Lord. Help us to know when something is not the right choice for us. We ask you to prick our Spirit if we are acting in a way that is not pleasing to You. Please protect us from the temptation that can come from different social media outlets that we should not be using. We ask all these things in Your precious name.     Amen

TBCH

To Be Completely Honest

Week 3

How to Have Healthy Communication

How to be Kind

How to Lovingly Disclose a Hurt

In the beginning of your relationship, you will more than likely have no problem with communication. You will probably communicate in your sleep with all the different ways to talk these days. We have the ability to use text, IM, Facebook, Instagram…and you may even actually TALK!! You’re more than likely carrying your phone charger with you wherever you go due to the excessive use it will be getting.

Even though it may be hard to believe, the newness will eventually wear off. And when it does, it can turn into “All she wants to do is talk,” or “Why won’t he open up and tell me how he feels?” This is why it is so important to learn and implement good communication skills from the start.

The Bible has many verses that address how to communicate with others.  When we choose to be selfish, it is not honoring to God. It takes prayerful consideration to determine what to say and do to communicate lovingly. By constantly submitting to the Lord, you can learn to communicate in a healthy manor. Once you become comfortable in your “relationship” you will begin to see how differently you communicate with each other.  I’m not saying that it is wrong or bad necessarily, just different.  Having read and studied many different books on relationships and marriage, the one thing I know for sure is that guys and girls are very different in how they view communication.

When it comes to communicating, guys are not typically “talkers” by nature. They usually think girls should know how they feel and just assume that if they’ve said it once, then she should know it to be true.  Girls, on the other hand, need to hear how a guy feels often to be reassured that his feelings have not changed. Over time, you will know each other better and you can work together to keep communication open. Don’t become discouraged; there is a middle ground that can be established if you are open with each other and continually look to the Lord for guidance. The main thing with communication is to speak to each other with love. A harsh or condescending tone will never be received well. If you have been hurt or are angry with the other person (yes, it will happen someday), you need to be able to approach him or her and explain your hurt in a calm manner.  Sometimes this means that you have to walk away for a time to calm down before you address the situation. I find that praying during this time helps a great deal. Seriously… tell God exactly why you’re frustrated and pray for the other person as well. It’s not like God doesn’t already know what you are thinking, and it really helps to get it out. It is always a good idea to reconcile whatever caused the hurt or anger the same day if at all possible. The Bible addresses this in Ephesians 4:26. In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. This is the perfect time in your relationship to begin practicing good, Godly communication skills.

QUESTIONS FOR YOU TO CONSIDER

1.

2.       What type of communicator would you consider yourself to be? Do you freely tell how you have been offended or do you hold everything inside until you finally blow up?

3.       What are your thoughts on Ephesians 4:26?  “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.”

4.       Do you give and receive praise well?

5.       What is the best way to reconcile with you when you are hurt or angry?

For example, do you want to be left alone for a while, or are you generally able to   calmly explain in detail right away? Keep in mind here that everyone responds differently to hurt and anger.

6.       Do you consider yourself someone that enjoys a lot of conversing?

His Story

When I met Claudia, I had just moved to California and had not dated for quite a while. I was pretty cautious at the time, after hearing all the stories about “crazy California,” and not really looking for a girlfriend. I had met her a time or two at the singles group and thought she was really cute. Then I saw her one time after church and it was almost like one of those romantic commercials when it goes into slow speed and the wind is blowing in the woman's hair as the two make eye contact. Well, maybe not quite that dramatic.  She basically said "Hi" and smiled while I was walking up the stairs and she was walking down. It was like she had a spring in her step. I talked with her for just a couple minutes and could not forget about her. I didn't think at the time "here is my wife," but I thought that I would really like to get to know her better.  I called a friend of hers and got her phone number.  We had a long talk that week and then set up our first date.

The dating process was like hanging around with my best friend. We didn't have to work at it; we had fun together and we had a lot in common. From the very first date, I asked Claudia if she wanted to pray together, and we made that part or our relationship every morning and every night over the phone. Now that we are married, we pray together each morning.  We tried the evening thing, but after a couple times of falling asleep in bed together while praying for things like the Muppets and Pyrex, we discontinued that one.

What amazed me through this relationship was that, during dating, I continually prayed that if this was not a person I should be hanging out with and dating, I would be willing to give it up to follow God's plan. He never did say that to me. As a matter of fact, we got closer and closer until I realized that one of us was going to get hurt if this wasn’t right. I remembered someone telling me, regarding dating, “Never settle for second best. There is no perfect person, but there is a perfect person for you.”

I spent nearly an entire day fasting and praying for God to show me if this is the woman for me because I didn't want to pursue a relationship God didn't want for me. God revealed something amazing to me. He basically said that Claudia was the one for me but it was my choice if I wanted to stay single or get married. Obviously God knew what I would choose, and I was happy as a clam. And 15 years later, I still am.

Marriage takes work, but it has the greatest reward in life compared to anything or anyone else you will ever invest in. I also remember another quote from James Dobson, which is, "When you’re dating, keep your eyes wide open; once you marry, keep them half shut."

~~Brian

God has already written your story

”For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

CRITICAL THINKING EXERCISE

The wife has been home all day with a sick baby. Her husband arrives home from work and plops down on the couch to watch TV. Exhausted and tired, she blows up at him. He doesn’t understand her attitude.

SCRIPTURE FOR MEMORIZATION

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”  James 1:19

PRAYER

Dear Lord Jesus,

Thank you for all you are doing in our lives. Thank you for the foundation of Your Word, Lord.  We ask that you continue to grow us in the knowledge of You and that as we grow as a couple, You would help us to communicate lovingly in a way that brings honor to You. We ask that You guard our words and actions in all we say and do.     Amen

Is This Real ?

Week 4

Wise Acceleration and How to

Back the Bus Up If It’s Not Right

(End It)

Is this real?This has got to be one of the biggest questions you will need to answer in your lifetime. How do you know? Well, for starters, you pray. I don’t say that flippantly either.  I mean truly praying daily for wisdom from the Lord and for warning signals if this is not who God has for you. By this time, you should be praying together as well. Don’t have a panick attack. Start small.  Just a few words each to get used to it. Use written prayers like the ones at the end of each chapter to start with if that makes you more comfortable.  Also, praying out loud when you are alone can help you get used to hearing yourself pray.  It will get easier as time goes on, and this is such an amazing thing to learn and commit to before you get married. Another way to know if this is real is to focus on how you get along. Are you best friends? You should like at least some of the same things and enjoy each other’s company. A solid relationship should not be riddled wth turmoil. You should deeply care for each other and want the best for the other. You should have a good sense of wanting to be with this person forever. If you feel confident after praying with and for each other that this is real, and you feel true love for this person, then you should be open with those feelings. I’m not talking about all of a sudden one day saying, “I love you.” I’m saying that just as you have been learning to share things through communication already, you should share these feelings as well. Talk openly about it.

“If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.”  I Corinthians 13:1-3. This verse tells us just how important love is. Loving someone is to be taken very seriously, so don’t just say it; express it in all you say and do. Talk openly about how you think you may love each other and how much you respect what it means to say “I love you.”

Even if you are confident that this is “the one,” I recommend that you still take things at an even pace. There are still so many things to learn about each other. Week seven will be a week that you will want to be sure to talk through thoroughly and may even find at that time that there are some things that make you see your relationship differently.

So, what if you have been in this relatonship for a while and you have realized this is not the person you want to continue a relationship with? Well, chances are, you are both experiencing the same feelings that things have not really been growing in the right direction. I urge you to spend time praying and agree to get together and talk to each other about the concerns you are having. You must be honest, but please be loving and kind at all times.

“Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.”  Ephesians 4:15. If you feel the other person may not receive it well, you may want to ask another believer to be with you.  It has been my experience that at this point, a clean break is best. Trying to be “just friends” too soon can send very mixed signals, and you want it to be as painless as possible for each of you.

Whatever you do, don’t just take another person’s word about whether or not this person is the one for you but pray for God to show you!

QUESTIONS FOR YOU TO CONSIDER

1.        Do you have fun together?

2.       Do you feel like you can totally be yourself around the other?

3.       Are you at ease praying and talking together or does it still feel awkward?

4.       If there is still awkwardness, how do you think you can grow past those feelings?

5.       Are you confident that going forward with this relationship is right for both of you?

Her Story

I was 20 years old and had never dated. I started Bible College and was wrestling with how to handle relationships with the opposite sex. Here I was, meeting new people and really, for the first time, learning how to be guarded in my relationships with guys (sometimes learning the hard way). At the end of the semester, I felt that I was truly brought to the end of myself. I had to choose between holding on tightly to my future, trying to make plans for what would be best for me, and completely surrendering my life and future to the Lord, whether that meant marriage or a life of being single. Reading Passion and Purity by Elizabeth Elliott really inspired me to hold out for the one God had for me and not to settle for anything less. She talked about seeing Jim Elliott around campus and being so impressed by his character. I remember praying to the Lord that He would give me the patience and strength to wait for the right one, and if He was calling me to be single that I would be content there. I knew that God desired the best for me. His timing, His plan, is perfect, and there is such freedom in that place of surrender!! Little did I know that two months later I would meet my husband.

It was the summer of 2004, and the Lord orchestrated our meeting at a children's camp in Western Ukraine, of all places. This was something we could have never planned or imagined. I came over on a short-term mission trip, and Jon (who was already living in Ukraine) was one of our translators. During the two-week camp, I had the chance to observe Jon and see him interact with the children we were ministering to, as well as with our fellow team members. It was the perfect setting to observe someone. I was impressed, to say the least. Here was this 18-year-old guy (two years younger than me) who grew up on the mission field, loved the Lord, and loved to serve! He was the real deal, unlike any other 18-year-old I had ever met. I remember thinking to myself that whoever ended up with this guy would be pretty lucky, never dreaming that girl could be me.

We only talked one time, just the two of us, and I remember feeling encouraged after talking to him. We were talking about our walks with the Lord, missions, and materialism. I had never experienced this kind of connection with someone before. For the entire trip, I was guarded in my behavior toward him. Mostly we were just observing one another. At the end of the two weeks, we exchanged e-mail addresses (just as we did with everyone on the team), but I had this strange feeling that I would see Jon again. There was this inexplicable peace. We e-mailed and chatted on instant messenger for about half a year, and as our friendship grew, both of us knew that we were supposed to be together. We learned about each other's family and about one another without the physical distractions of being in person. It really brought us closer. We dated, long-distance, for two and a half years and only saw each other four times before getting married. For sure it was difficult to be so far apart, but looking back, it was a great blessing, and we are stronger because of it.

Wait for God's best for you! He is faithful! Wait for that one who truly challenges you spiritually and causes you to grow closer to the Lord. Also, look to others for counsel. Look to those who really know that person well. What kind of person are they at home, at school, at work? Not just around you. What kind of father/mother will they be? How do they treat their parents, their siblings? These are great questions to ask!

~~Stephanie

God has already written your story

” For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Jeremiah 29:11

CRITICAL THINKING EXERCISE

She thought being newly married should be exciting, but it’s all she can do to keep his attention. All he does day in and day out is work on his car. He doesn’t understand why it bothers her…it’s what he’s always done.

SCRIPTURE FOR MEMORIZATION

“But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.”  James 1:6

PRAYER

Dear Lord Jesus,

Thank you, Lord, for bringing this person into my life. Please allow us to bring honor to you in all we say and do. Please help us to implement these things that we are studying so that if we should get married someday, we will be equipped with the tools we need to have a healthy marriage that is pleasing to you, Lord.    Amen

Not Now…

No Purpleing

Week 5

Purity for His Glory

And Your Ultimate Blessing

No Purpleing …is a fun instruction given to our youth group before each event. This is what it means…

Guys are blue + Girls are pink = purple.

It’s a cute saying, but when pondered can have great insight and wisdom in it.

By now you are probably showing some signs of outward affection. Holding hands, arms around each other, maybe even having shared that magical first kiss. If you have or if you haven’t, it’s okay either way. Kissing isn’t a bad thing, but neither is waiting. Many couples do choose to wait, while others are content with a quick kiss or just a kiss on the cheek or forehead. The most important thing is knowing and maintaining Christ-centered boundaries. Having been in this relationship for a while now, this may be the time to excersise caution in how much affection you express because it could develop into a situation  that could cause you to stumble or be tempted to go beyond those bounderies.

Kissing can be extremely passionate and should be considered to be like revving the engine of intimacy.We all know that if you take it out of neutral and continually rev the engine, the motor is going to overheat! So what I am saying is… don’t sit and make-out all night and expect physical feelings to stay in the neutral zone. It’s best to completely avoid those types of situations. I’m going to hope that since you are doing this devotional together and seeking God’s direction in your relationship, you are not sexually active. DO NOT neglect having devotions together!  However, be sure to keep seeking God’s direction in your relationship, which will help you to abstain from allowing yourselves to become sexually active.

Let me be clear in what I mean by sexually active. I’m talking about any lustful act, with or without clothes on, that involves any part of you that would be covered by a bathing suit. God’s Word calls us to be sexually pure. Ephesians 5:3 says: “But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints.  Webster’s Definition of fornication is: consensual sexual intercourse between two persons not married to each other. We are to keep our heart and mind pure as well. In order to do this, you must agree together to keep your relationship pure, but then you need to actively work on keeping yourselves pure on a daily basis! I recommend not being alone privately; always have people at least within sight of you. Even when doing this study, you should not be in seclusion. You can have privacy, but make sure there are people around you always that can see you. Like at a coffee shop or public park. Stay in the Word of God, and pray together as often as possible that you remain pure in what you say and do. “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”  Ephesians 3:17.

Hmmmmm…but, what if we’ve already gone too far? What does that mean for us?

The first step is recognizing you have sinned and then ask for forgiveness, not only from God but also from each other. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” I John 1:9. After you have repented, you must set up strict guidelines to live by from now on. There can be healing and forgiveness, but you will have to be even more guarded from this time forward.

Guys, I once read something that went like this…be careful where you lead her.  Although she answers for her own actions, if you have won her heart and she trusts you, she will surely follow you; so be careful where you lead her.

Remember…No Purpleing!

There truly is an amazing blessing to be had in staying pure for God’s glory.

QUESTIONS FOR YOU TO CONSIDER

1.        Is purity something you openly talk about and strive for in your relationship?

2.       Is there anything you feel could be a temptation for you?

3.       Have you purposefully guarded yourselves against sexual temptation?

4.       How can you guard yourselves against sexual temptation?

5.       What do you think is appopriate before marriage? Ex: Do you feel comfortable kissing or would you like to wait?

Her Story

I first met Lou at a photography event in 1985. He lived in Ohio and I lived in Georgia. At the time, we were both married to other people, and God was definitely not the center for either of us. The week after I turned 40, my husband told me he wanted a divorce. That was a very difficult time for me because I had two sons that I was raising. In late 2000, Lou hired me to work for his company, which was based in Ohio. I was an outside sales representative that sold presentation products to professional photographers.  I worked in South Georgia and North Florida.

I had never said anything to Lou about my relationship with my husband, mainly because Lou was my boss and I didn’t think it was appropriate conversation. It wasn’t until three months later that I found out that Lou was going through a divorce also. After my divorce was final, Lou asked me if I would go out with him. Although I considered Lou a friend, I declined to go out with him because he was my boss. As time went on, however, he finally convinced me.

We started dating but kept it to ourselves because we worked for the same company and didn’t know how they would feel about it. I will never forget the day that the employee handbook came out and there was no mention about employees dating. We made the decision to tell the president of the company, not knowing what he would say. We were blown away by the excitement throughout the company. Everyone knew of the divorces we had been through, and they were genuinely excited for us. We took turns flying back and forth every other weekend for three years to see each other. During this time, we went to church together. Lou was raised Catholic and I was raised Baptist, and neither one of our mothers approved. We explained to them that it was not about religion but about our personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

Through this journey, I discovered that I was living on the fence. I wanted to live a Christian life, but I wanted to do the worldly thing, and we were not being pure in our relationship. After 3 years, I broke it off with Lou. I told him I wanted to date other people. (He always says that I broke up with him, but he never broke up with me.) He called me EVERY day.

I dated a couple of people over the next year. In early 2005, Lou lost his job with the company, and I lost mine 7 months later. I felt that I needed to talk to him on the phone because it was a very low time in his life. I talked to him about Jesus. I sent him the book The Purpose Driven Life, and we would read a section every day and then discuss it on the phone in the evening. God used me to lead Lou to Him. I remember one day when Lou called me and said, “Pam, I felt the presence of Jesus today.” I told him that Jesus is always with us. We just need to seek and lean on him. It was very exciting to hear Lou speak of Jesus that way.

A couple of months passed, and there was a five-day event that Lou and I attended separately. After it was over, a girlfriend of mine asked me how things were with Lou after not seeing him for such a long time. I told her I had realized that he was the one for me. We got engaged a couple of months later. This time around, we made a commitment to honor God by keeping ourselves pure before marriage, which was one year later. Our friends didn’t believe when we confessed this to them as part of our testimony. But that was okay because we were doing it for our Lord.

We have been married now for seven years. One of our favorite things to do as a couple is walk to the beach every morning and pray together. I feel like one of the most important things for us is to have good communication with each other.  We put God first and each other second. We talk about everything, and I love Lou more every day.

~~Pam

God has already written your story

” For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

CRITICAL THINKING EXERCISE

She is a stay-at-home mom. She is with the children all day, and when dad arrives home, the discipline ceases to exist. Dad allows the children to be unruly, undoing anything she may have accomplished with them during the day, making mom seem like the bad guy.

SCRIPTURE FOR MEMORIZATION

“Flee (run) from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.”

I Corinthians 6:18-20

PRAYER

Dear Lord Jesus,

Thank you Lord for all of the many blessings you have given to us as a couple. I am so grateful for Your Word and it’s instruction for our lives. We ask you now Lord to protect us each and every day from the temptations of this world. Please guard our hearts and keep us pure. We ask right now Lord that if there be anything in our relationship that is not pure, you would reveal these things to us both. We love you and thank you for all of these things.     Amen

Accountability

Week 6

Allign Yourself With Like-Minded Believers Who Will Hold You Accountable

Accountable – Webster’s Dictionary defines “accountable“ as “subject to having to report, expain or justify; being answerable, responsible.

Take just a few minutes to digest the full meaning of the word. Every word used by Webster is relevant in what we will discuss for you as a couple.

Finding accountability partners is one of the most important things you will do in your relationship.  It is truly one of the best ways to help guard your relationship.

What is an accountability partner and what will they do?

An accountability partner should be someone you trust completely. This person should be like-minded in faith and respectful of God’s Word. This needs to be someone that will not hesitate to check in on you often…”make you answerable.” More than likely you would pick a good friend or maybe even a pastor or elder at your church. The person you choose needs to know you well, and you must respect this person’s counsel.  I have two sons that I have raised to be Godly young men and I give them counsel all the time, but I am Mom. I am not their accountability partner. They both have chosen a Godly man to speak truth to them. This is a different relationship from Mom and Dad.

I highly recommend that you each have your own accountability partner or maybe an older couple that will come alongside you during this time of courting.

When you take the deliberate step of getting aligned with other believers for the sole purpose of answering to someone other than yourselves, your parents, and God, you are saying, “We want you to help us stay on this path we have chosen. We want to succeed at having our relationship honor God.”

This is not to say that it will be easy. Having someone to report to or to make you “answerable” is not always pleasureable. That is why this must be someone you trust and respect highly so that when they call you on the carpet (so to speak), you will listen to their wise counsel.  “Hold on to instruction, do not let it go; guard it well, for it is your life.”  Proverbs 4:13.

There is nothing better for your relationship than having someone who truly cares for you both say, “Hey, what did you do last night? You didn’t compromise your values did you?”  Or, “Hey, maybe walking alone on a secluded beach in the moonlight isn’t the best idea for two people trying to resist temptation.”  You may or may not agree right away, but it is my experience that if you are looking to God for His will, you will be able to accept wise counsel even if you think it may not sound like it pertains to you. “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”   James 1:5

QUESTIONS FOR YOU TO CONSIDER

1.        Who have you chosen to be your accountability partner and why?

2.        Why do you feel you should be held accountable?

3.        Are you confident that you can submit to your accountability partner’s counsel?

4.       What does it mean to me to guard yourselves?

5.       Is being guarded and held accountable something you truly value? Why or why not?

His Story

I was 18 years old. I had just been through a relationship with a girl I was very serious about. We never dated; in fact the relationship was very one-sided. I was convinced in my mind that she was the one I was to marry so I kept pursuing her. There were two separate times where I went to her and asked her openly if she thought it possible we would be more than just friends. She was very gracious in how she responded, but after being rejected the second time, I was devastated. Yet for a time, I still clung to the hope of something happening between us. Shortly after the second conversation, my brother David came to visit us in Ukraine with his then fiancée, Deborah. They were sharing with me and a few of my other siblings the story of their relationship. They would talk about how the LORD had given them exactly what they needed and wanted in the other person. I was especially impacted by how David loved every single thing about his soon-to-be bride. I realized then that somewhere along the line, I had been pursuing this other girl for the sake of the challenge. I hadn't even stopped to realize that there were many things about her that I wasn't looking for in a wife. I resolved right then that I was done fighting. I was done trying to force something to happen that was my doing. I told the LORD that I wasn't going to even try anymore. I wanted only Him and maybe he would give me a wife sometime down the road.

Now before I go on, I must go back to something that happened long before this. I don't remember exactly how old I was, but I had a dream. In the dream, I was in a room with many people and something made me very upset. I could tell from the dream that it wasn't a very proud moment for me; it was my bad side. I left the room in anger. As I stood outside, a girl came out to me. Her face was full of compassion and a gentle concern for how I was doing. She was fully supporting me, even at my weakest. I woke up and realized that this was who I wanted to marry.

So back to the story, I figured I was done with relationships for quite a while. One month later, my friend asked me if I would like to take a job translating for an American team coming to minister at a children's camp. Now, I had grown up in Ukraine, and to be honest, I was not crazy about Americans. We had many teams come over for short-term trips and I had just seen many coming for the wrong reasons and being a distraction. But I took the job, mostly because I figured I could use the money. So the team arrived and it came time to meet everyone. We were in an auditorium at a children's camp and the leader of the team had the translators stand up and come forward to introduce ourselves. As I was standing there, I saw this beautiful girl sitting in the back. I had never seen anyone so beautiful in my life. I tried to brush it off saying to myself that she probably didn't have the personality or character to match it. But later that day, as we took the team for a tour of the city, I had an opportunity to speak with her. I found out in just a few minutes that she was more beautiful on the inside than on the outside.

From that point I pretty much knew I wanted to marry this girl. But I was still trying not to get my hopes up, and I definitely did not want to push anything, especially after the previous relationship I had been in. I figured a girl this beautiful must have a boyfriend. But as she showed pictures of her family and friends, I realized she was available. I began to pray. The LORD spoke very clearly that I was not to openly say anything to her during the two weeks we were at the camp so as not to distract me or her from what we were there for—to minister to the kids. We did, however, talk for a very long time one evening. We talked about what we saw ourselves doing in the future. Among other things, she told me how she didn't want to live in the states, how she wanted to be a missionary. I couldn't believe it! We both wanted the same things; we were going down the same path.

As the camp ended, I continued to pray that the LORD would open a door for me to speak with her. He never did. In fact, he spoke very clearly that I was to let her go. It was very difficult. But I realize now that the LORD was making this relationship completely different from the former. Would I trust Him with it? Would I allow Him to take her out of my life if it was His will? Or was I going to force my way? Letting her fly back to the states without openly expressing how I felt was so hard, but I had so much peace. I actually felt that I would never see her again, but I was in the hands of the LORD. And it was a sweet place to be.

We began to write to each other. I believe it was Steffie who wrote the first email. From emails we went to chatting on AOL instant messenger almost every day. It was so important that we had this time just to get to know each other. And we became good friends. We would share about different things we were both going through (we were both students at the time). This went on for about five months. Somehow, I was still in denial about whether or not this could turn into anything serious. I didn't want to hope after the relationship I was in previously. My sister, Robin, really encouraged me one day to go for it, to ask Steffie if she saw our relationship as more than a friendship. And that's exactly what I asked as we chatted that day. I waited for her to respond; it seemed like it took her an eternity to write back. I thought we were done. But she said she did see it as more. The LORD was working on both ends. Just that week, she had been thinking about our relationship and how it couldn't go on like this much longer. It was a valuable lesson of God's perfect timing.

If I had had it my way, I would have asked Steffie to pursue a serious relationship immediately. Later, I found out from her that this would have scared her away; she needed time. And I also found out that I needed time as well. But more importantly, I needed to place myself in the LORD'S hands.

~~ Jon

God has already written your story

” For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11

CRITICAL THINKING EXERCISE

You’ve been married for ten years when the husband gets injured and cannot work for a period of time, and the wife is a stay-at-home mom.

SCRIPTURE FOR MEMORIZATION

“I instruct you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths.”   Proverbs 4:11

PRAYER

Dear Lord Jesus,

Lord, we come to you today with submissive hearts.  We may not always know the best choices for our relationship, but we have asked ______________ and _______________ to come alongside us in this journey to uplift us and hold us accountable.  Lord, please give them wisdom and knowledge as to how you would have them guide us and make us answerable.  Please give us the humility to trust their counsel and listen even when we may disagree.  Above all else, we wish to honor You in all we say and do.     Amen

I’m Not The First

Week 7

How to Have Repentance and Healing if You Have Stumbled in the Past

There is a possibility that one or both of you have already been sexually active to some degree in a past relationship.

At some point it will be necessary to disclose EVERYTHING to each other. I recommend doing this before you get to the point of engagement.

This could be one of the hardest but most important conversations that you will have. Ideally, you both would be able to say that you have remained pure and would not have to confess any past sexual sin. Unfortunately, however, with the access that people have to sexual temptation, this is rarely found to be true. “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.”  ICorinthians 6:18

Did you know that sexual immorality is the only sin that God’s Word tells to “flee” from?  Flee means to run away from a place or situation of danger.

The Bible is so specific because God created sex to be GOOD. (Wait for more of this in Chapter 11.) He knows how difficult it is to resist. Therefore, don’t even let your guard down a little!  FLEE....

To start with, you must be honest. Completely and totally honest…wide open. You cannot keep any secrets. They will surface, and it is never good when they come out on their own.  Revealing things lovingly while you have your hearts open to it is always best.

Sexual immorality is not exclusive to sexual intercourse. It is so much more than that. You cannot just assume that because the person you are with is a virgin they have been pure.

I had a young lady tell me recently that she and her first boyfriend never had sex, but they had done everything else. She followed that by saying that it was the hardest thing she had to tell her now “one true love.”  This is hard…no doubt about it!

Then there is the horrible monster no one wants to talk about, but it can be the worst! Pornography. Pornography has to be discussed, as well as any other committed sexual act.

That being said, how do you find healing on the other side of sexual sin? There is only one way. You must acknowledge your sin and repent. “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”   1 Peter 4:8.

Of first and foremost importance is God’s love! You are forgiven! Now you have to find forgiveness for yourself. The enemy loves to blindside us with past guilt. Next you need to seek forgiveness from the one you are with. If it is too much for that person to work through, it may be time to lovingly separate and for each of you to go your own way. However, if you both agree to work through it and are able to forgive and build a pure relationship, this is where to start:

1.        Agree to always be open and honest with each other.

2.       Pray together for purity.

3.       Make it a priority to have an accountability partner. (See Week 6)

4.       Guard your time together by making wise choices.

QUESTIONS FOR YOU TO CONSIDER

1.        Is there anything sexual from your past you have not disclosed yet?

2.       Is there anything in your boyfriend or girlfriend’s past that you are having a hard time dealing with?

3.       Is there any sexual sin that you feel you need to talk to someone else about?  Ex:  a pastor

4.       Are you confident that you have dealt with all issues and are you comfortable moving forward?

5.       Write each other your promise to forgive the past and move forward, guarding yourselves from here on.

Her Story

I casually mentioned Andrew’s name to one of my friends. “What do you think?” I asked. She replied, “I don’t think it would work...”

I’ve made more than a few mistakes in my dating life. For a long time, I had my sights set so narrowly on marriage that I didn’t give much thought to the preparation for marriage. When I was a young girl, I envisioned getting a marriage proposal in my early twenties, and the wedding and babies would follow. But after each relationship would climax and then fall apart, I wondered what I was doing wrong. What was wrong with me? What was wrong with THEM? Time was ticking away and I kept arriving at square one!

It wasn’t until I was in my late twenties that I decided to throw away my old rule book, a set of criteria which limited my future husband in many ways. But more devastatingly, it limited God. I had spent years seeking out the husband that I thought I wanted and kept trying to get God on board in the process. Could you imagine if God were to give in to our desires knowing what a mistake they would become? I’m so glad that God not only refused to give in to me, but he also waited patiently until I gave in to Him.

“What do you think?” I asked my friend as I glanced nonchalantly at Andrew. She said, “I don’t think it would work... He’s not really your type. Like, I don’t think he would take you out to fancy dinners and stuff.” As serious as a heart attack, I blurted, “I don’t care!”… and I meant it.

I was 27 and Andrew was four years younger. I was a middle school teacher and he was the maintenance man who would sweep the halls outside of my classroom. He was quiet; so quiet in fact that I had to plan strategically in order to strike up a conversation. Something was different about this one, and I had to find out what it was.

We had our first date at a coffee shop, and I was shocked to sit back as Andrew carried the conversation for three hours straight. (I later realized that nervousness makes him uncharacteristically chatty.) I learned a lot about Andrew that night, and some of it made me second-guess my original interest. Andrew attended but did not finish college. He lived with his parents. He did not own a car but drove his mother’s minivan when it was available. He worked a low-paying job and there was no promotion in sight. It was enough to make me run; but I stayed right where I was. Through all of the things that I would have once considered flaws in a man, I saw someone who I could really love and respect for the long haul. No, Andrew didn’t have a 4-year degree (he does now!), but he did spend a year at Word of Life Bible Institute studying God’s word and growing deeper in his own faith which, to this day, is solid as a rock. He didn’t have his own place or car or impressive salary, but he’d earned everything he had with hard work since he was 16. He is now the kind of man who would work several jobs (and has) just to support his family. By looking past the things that I once thought were essential, I was able to see the kind-hearted, hard-working, gentle, humble man who would soon steal my heart.

As Andrew and I grew closer, it was important that we talk about our physical boundaries. We both agreed early on that we would not have sex before we were married. Even though I wouldn’t call it easy, I will say that we were successful, not only because of how strongly we were convicted in our own hearts but also because of how much we respected each other’s convictions. But don’t let me paint a false picture. I was no angel before we dated (and neither was he, but I’ll let him tell that part of his story). The fact that I had shared my body with other men before Andrew was (and still is) one of the hardest things to deal with in our relationship—and not because he cares, but because I do. Actually, I have been blessed with the most patient, nonjudgmental man on the planet (or at least I like to think so). Sharing my past with him was painful and terrifying, but he didn’t judge me or demand explanation. He just loved me through it and focused on our future, not my past. The reason I say that it is still hard to this day is that I still have the memory of the mistakes I made. God forgave me and Andrew didn’t judge me, but I have a hard time forgiving and not judging myself.

The most solid foundation that any marriage can have is God. When Andrew and I can’t agree on anything else, we can agree that God is the center. Now that we are in ministry together, he a youth pastor and I a worship leader, our individual relationships with Jesus have overflowed into a family relationship with Him, and that right there is marriage medicine. But it wasn’t always natural for us to pray, worship, and read God’s word together. That, like everything else in a new relationship, is a transition. Andrew and I started growing our faith connection by attending church together. We then started praying simple prayers together at meals. Later we got comfortable enough to pray for each other when we were sick. Around the time that we got married, we began praying together more frequently, and now we pray and read the Bible together almost every day. Some of my favorite conversations with my husband are centered on God’s Word.

Dating is easy; marriage is hard. Dating is fun; marriage is work. Dating is a dream; marriage is real life. Don’t get me wrong. I love being married so much it’s ridiculous. I love my husband. I love our beautiful baby girl. And I love the life we’ve made together. I’m excited about what the future holds, and I treasure all of the moments that led up to this. But our marriage would have fallen apart more times than I can count if it were not for our good God, who we keep at the center always. He is our rock and our strong tower, and our marriage will last only as long as we surrender it all to His will.

~~Colleen

God has already written your story

” For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11

CRITICAL THINKING EXERCISE

The husband is a very private person and cannot understand why his wife constantly spends hours on Facebook revealing all of the personal details of their lives.

SCRIPTURE FOR MEMORIZATION

“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”

1 Peter 4:8

PRAYER

Dear Lord Jesus,

Thank You for Your Son You sent to pay the penalty for our sin.  Lord, please help us to work through these things and bring healing to our relationship through Your grace.  Help us to continue to be pure and to always be honest with each other.     Amen

Unselfish Love

Week 8

How to Put the Other Person First

By Dying to Self Daily

What does it mean to die to self daily, you ask?  “It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” I Corinthians 13:5.

Well, quite simply, it means to take all of your wants, needs, and dreams and make them second in your life. Obviously this is no easy task. That is why I say daily. This is something that must be purposefully practiced every day. I’m not going to tell you that you will ever conquer this completely; but I will say that with prayerful, consistent practice, you can master it. And believe it or not, the results are extremely rewarding.

It is easy to expect the person you are with to meet your needs or to be your “dream” guy or lady, but that is 100% selfish and is not how God designed us to be. Oh yes…it is what is easiest, but easy isn’t always right.

God tells us in I Corinthians 10:24, “No one should seek their own good, but the good of others,” and in Matthew 20:28, we see that Jesus came to serve. If Jesus was here to serve, how much more willing should we be to serve others?

Sometimes we become so comfortable with the person we love that we can forget how to put them before our own desires. One way to do this is through prayer.  Every day ask the other person for five things you can pray for that day. Then every night when you talk ask about those things specifically. Even if this is the only thing you practice to start with, I promise it will be monumental in your lives. Learn the deep desires of their heart and then make those desires your own for that person.

Whew....I bet you thought I was going to tell you to go to a chick-flick or a hockey game, huh?  How about this…while mutual activities and interests are an important part of your relationship, sacrificing your personal interests and desires is sometimes necessary. Being unselfish begins at the heart level. And in order to even begin to put someone else’s interests and desires above your own, you must take the time to study them. If you can’t tell their hearts desires and disappointments by just looking into their eyes, you need to look deeper and be more attentive.

Some people may say this doesn’t work, but I would encourage you to find someone you consider unselfish and ask if they are happy. I promise you that living this way, putting yourself in second place, will not come without reward—if only to know you are honoring the Lord.

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus.” Philippians 2:3-5.

QUESTIONS FOR YOU TO CONSIDER

1.        When you are together, what do you do to make the other person feel like you put them first?

2.       Is there anything that the other person should know about you to serve you better?  Ex:  I am terrified of heights; please don’t ever take me to the top of the Empire State building.

3.       List 5 top dreams for the future and share with each other.

4.       Is there something you could do together to serve others unselfishly?

5.       Do you believe that unselfish love is valuable?  Why?

His Story

God always comes through. I can’t remember a time through Middle School, High School, or College when I didn’t have a “girlfriend.” There was always someone to date, and I was on a quest to find the one I would marry. It was my “job” to find my lifelong love, my soul mate, my wife; at least I thought it was.

After college, I decided to quit. I quit looking for the perfect one. I was only 23 years old but was tired of dating. I found a great church, a great young professionals group at the church, and a great group of friends. My focus turned from girls to God.  Daily devotionals, weekly small group meetings, weekly church gatherings—all focus was on God. Little did I know that this was what God was waiting for—me focusing on Him. In order for me to be ready for my soul mate, I needed to have a firm foundation upon which to stand. “For no one can lay any foundation other than what is being laid, which is Jesus Christ.” (I Cor. 3:11)

My roommate and I were looking to expand our small circle of friends and invited 13 other people from church over to our place for dinner. It was a great night of fun, games, food, and new friends. Little did any of us know, but in those new friends, we would each find our future spouses.

April and I seemed to hit it off and spent a good portion of the night together.  Throughout the coming months we would spend lots of time together but weren’t “dating.”  According to April, we were just friends and nothing more. I thought otherwise.

God continued to bring our friendship to new levels. We hung out just about every night after work and all day on weekends and talked on the phone regularly (texting wasn’t invented yet). We were both growing in God through our small groups, regular prayer, and time in the Word. The foundation was building.

When God felt the foundation was strong enough, that’s when He released the power of love. Even though we thought we were just friends, God had been building in us the love we would need. His perfect love for us was, and still is, the perfect example of how our relationship with each other works. “He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep, and laid the foundation on bedrock. When a flood came, the river burst against that house but could not shake it, because it had been well built.” (Luke 4:48).

We had been friends for less than 3 months, but our relationship with each other was strong. The foundation was ready to build upon. Our first kiss was Thanksgiving of 1993, and by that Christmas we knew without a doubt that we were getting married. We were engaged that next spring and married in February of 1995.

Today, we continually work on strengthening the foundation. There are times when the foundation grows weak and times when it is strengthened. That is the life cycle of any relationship, but as long as you continue to build upon The Foundation (your relationship with Christ), you can rest assured that your relationship with your loved one will withstand even the strongest of storms.

~~Scott

God has already written your story

” For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11

CRITICAL THINKING EXERCISE

When you got married, you thought you were supposed to spend time together but all she wants to do is spend time with her girlfriends, some of which are single and do not have a good view of marriage.

SCRIPTURE FOR MEMORIZATION

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the other.” Philippians 2:3-5

PRAYER

Dear Lord Jesus,

You say in Your Word that we are not to be self-seeking.  We know that this does not come to us naturally, Lord, so we ask for Your provision in this.  Lord, teach us to have a heart of service for others but first for each other.  It is our desire to serve each other before ourselves. We ask that You continue to grow us and remind us of this often.     Amen

She’s A Rainbow

Week 9

How She “Thinks” and “Feels”

Okay guys…this chapter is written primarily to help you out. Out of a lot of jams that is! Let’s just say right up front that you’re not going to totally figure her out. I‘m not really sure you’re meant to. It could get really boring if you knew everything about her and nothing ever changed. Hopefully she will grow and change over the years and you will need to continually update your data base about her. Instead of beating your head against the wall in frustration, let me offer you some thought-provoking insight.

When I say she is a rainbow, I am not kidding one bit. Have you ever seen two identical rainbows? The colors are not always the same. The way the colors run together is different. Some are bold and brilliant while others are soft and more difficult to see.  Girls are much the same way. Some will tell you everything you need to know and more; however, some are a little more reserved. Either way, there are a few things that are good to know.

You need to tell her how you feel about her…more than one time!

You cannot tell her once, or even a few times, that you love her and she means everything to you and expect that she should just know it from then on. That’s not going to work! Unfortunately, the world does not encourage girls to be secure. There are messages everywhere telling them to be skinnier, prettier, more popular, etc. You have to tell her often what she means to you. She needs you to encourage her. If she is grounded in the Lord (which you are called to lead her in as well) and she knows you believe in her, she will feel like everything else is manageable.

You may not be much of a conversationalist, but it is important to take the time to listen and talk. If she can’t talk to you: 1. you’ll never know her very well; 2. you’ll never really convince her that you truly care about her. Girls are full of feelings, thoughts, and dreams. Some are more grounded than others; but if God has brought her to you and you love her, it is your calling to spend every day being a private investigator. Make it a priority to find time to listen. If she knows you are a good listener, she will be less likely to nag. Learn every detail you can about her every day you have together because she’s your Rainbow!!

QUESTIONS FOR YOU TO CONSIDER

1.        Guys – Do you talk to her enough?

Girls – Does he?

2.       Guys – Do you do your best to make her feel secure in your relationship?

Girls – Do you think he does?

3.       Is there anything you think you should change to be a better boyfriend?

4.       Write her a note, short or long, telling her how you feel about her.

5.       Name 5 things, personalized to your girlfriend, you could put into practice that would continue to show her how you feel about her.

Her Story

"Was this the one?" was a question I would continually ask myself through my dating years, and something I was so desperately hoping for. Having grown up in a small town in PA and in church, I had decided at the age of 20 to move to Orlando, FL. This transition and period of time was difficult and lonely, so I thought having a guy around would bring some stability and comfort. But by age 24, I had decided that I was done "searching for Mr. Right."

I believe without a shadow of doubt that God had his hand on me through my dating life. I so badly wanted to be married, but deep down inside, I knew "he" wasn't Mr. Right. Nor were any of them Christians. So, I decided to focus on getting more involved in church, joined a Bible study, and stopped dwelling on what wasn't happening in my life that I thought should be happening. After all, I thought I would have been married by now.

I began getting involved with the church's college and career group and made a lot of great friends. One day, one of the guys in the group and his roommate decided to have some of us over to their apartment for dinner. I was one of 13 invited. A friendship was struck with many of them. We all began hanging out on a weekly basis. It was so much fun, and we were always so busy doing things together that no one had time to think about a dating relationship. After about 3 months of hanging out as friends, my roommate said, "April, Scott likes you." I thought she had lost her mind. But soon after bringing this to my attention, God began working, and the rest of the story is still being written to this day. Scott and I went to dinner one night, as we had done so many times in the past, but this time he bought dinner. Oh dear! He does like me. So I went with it, and after 1 month of dating, we knew we were getting married. We dated for 14 months, remained pure, and were married in 1995.

Because God kept his hand on me and I didn't follow my heart, I am truly blessed to this day. The waiting was so worth it. After all, I have to live with this man for my entire life. That's a long time! We had a lot to learn in our early years of marriage and most importantly for me, I had to learn to take a seat on the passenger side and allow Scott to lead (Eph. 5:23). Not easy when you are a type “A” personality.

Scott is a man who loves and serves God. We have made family a priority in our marriage and continue to lean on God for direction. His plan is always so much better than our plan. If we can just practice and learn patience in this fast-paced life and allow God to be the driver, He can make life so much easier. It doesn't come without challenges, but leaning on Him can bring a peace that is beyond our comprehension.

~~April

God has already written your story

” For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11

CRITICAL THINKING EXERCISE

Both people are very close to their families. How do you decide where to spend the holidays when both sides want all of the time with you?

SCRIPTURE FOR MEMORIZATION

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the other.”  Philippians 2:3-4

PRAYER

Dear Lord Jesus,

I believe that You have brought ______________ into my life for me to care for and to love. It is my desire to grow together in a relationship that honors You, Lord.  Please help me to learn more about her every day and to always be intrigued by how You made her. Please always allow me to see her as the gift You have given me.     Amen

He’s Black and

White…

Week 10

How He’s “Wired”

Okay, Girls…although I am a female and find it easy to talk to the guys about how we “feel,” I do live with three amazing guys who are very open with me, so here goes…

At best, most guys will have some shading to black and white, but for the most part, they are pretty basic.

As you can see from Week 9, I have encouraged them to investigate how you think and feel. In the same regard, I am going to encourage you to “back off” a little. What?  Seriously? Yep. Seriously!

If you are female and still reside on the earth, I would have to bet that you could stand to back off to some degree, if only in your own heart. The first thing you have to know is that your security is in Him, capital ‘H’, Christ alone.

That’s the first load you can take off your special guy’s shoulders. Then, realize that he is not always going to understand what you feel. Help him out…”a little.” Tell him in the right timing. When he is busy may not be a good time to approach him. If he’s always busy, ask him to set aside some time so you can talk to him.

Don’t question his loyalty or love unless there are specific things that changed to cause your suspicion. Be stable and supportive. If there is one thing a happily married man will tell you is important, it is knowing that his wife is for him and believes in him no matter what.

You can start this now! He needs you to encourage him as well. Let him know that you pray for him, that you look up to him as the leader, and that you will confidently stand by his side. Even the super tough guy needs to be encouraged by the love of his life.

QUESTIONS FOR YOU TO CONSIDER

1.        Does he see you as his rock?

Guys, is she? Why or why not?

2.       How can you be a better encourager?

3.       Do others see you as an encouragement to him?

4.       Write him a note expressing how you believe in him.

5.       Name 5 things you can put into practice to build him up and keep him encouraged.

His Story

I was married for 13 years and unhappy for most of them. We ended up having 3 boys, and I tried to hang in there as long as I could but finally decided to end it.

I met Pam in 1985 at a photography event, and she eventually came to work for my company. It was during this time that I was going through my divorce. The company was at a trade show in Las Vegas and the group was out at a social event. Somewhere in the conversation, Pam told us that she and her husband were getting a divorce. I told her that I too had been going through one for a long time.

I eventually began to have feelings for Pam, and I decided to ask her out. She told me she would not go out with me because I was her boss.  Finally she gave in and said she would, and we dated for three years. Before we started dating, I didn’t go to church much.  I was raised Catholic and Pam was raised Baptist. When we were together on the weekends, we would alternate Catholic and Baptist services.

After three years of dating, on a weekend that Pam flew up to see me, she told me she wanted to date other people. I was devastated. I never broke up with her. I called all the time. It was the worst year of my life. So I did what I had to do…I moved to Florida to be closer to her.

We had signed up for a personal development conference and decided to still go…separately. During the event, there was an exercise that mimicked life and death. At the end of the event, I overheard Pam tell someone that I was “the one.” The next weekend I flew to New York City and bought an engagement ring. A few weeks later, at Thanksgiving, we went to Sunset Beach—I had a plan. I was so nervous. All day long I was scared it would rain, and it did. I pushed my nerves aside and just came out with it. And she said, “Can I think about it?”  My heart stopped. Then right away she said, “I will.” I was so excited!

Pam led me to the Lord, and we decided to make God first in our marriage and do things differently this time. We committed that we would not be intimate before marriage. Our friends didn’t believe us, but we were dedicated to doing things God’s way—and we did.

We have had some challenges, and we have grown closer together because we know that God has got it all under control. We have prayer time every day with our morning walk. With God at the center, we know our marriage is exactly what it was meant to be.

~~Lou

God has already written your story

” For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11

CRITICAL THINKING EXERCISE

The husband is the primary provider for the home and takes care of paying the bills, but the wife likes to shop more than the budget allows for.

SCRIPTURE FOR MEMORIZATION

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.”   1 Thessalonians 5:11

PRAYER

Dear Lord Jesus,

I am so thankful to You for bringing ______________ into my life.  Please teach me each day how to be strong for him.  Please help me to find my security in You so that I can be his rock.  Enable me to be the confident yet submissive woman You have called me to be.      Amen

God Made “It”;

“It” is Beautiful

Week 11

SEX—What is God’s Design?

So let’s be honest…you’re reading this chapter first, aren’t you? You figure if this is good, you’ll give the rest of this book a chance. If that’s the case, STOP RIGHT HERE!  You must go through basic training before you can be in the army. Go back to the start, and we’ll see you in a few weeks.

For those of you who have worked through the first ten weeks, this is one exciting, HOT topic… SEX!

Yes, I said exciting, hot, and sex all in the same breath. Why is that okay? Because “IT” is God’s gift to us! US married couples, that is.

As you get closer to marriage, this has to be a subject you discuss. Talk honestly about what you think it should be like. Talk about nerves; talk about your reservations; talk about it all. The most important thing is TALK—about IT! Yes, you are to guard yourselves and save it for marriage, but it is not to be ashamed of.

In Genesis 2, God tells us that when we get married, we are to leave our parents, cleave to one another, and become one flesh. There is nothing shameful in that at all. God created sex and He made it to be good for us. It’s His gift to us and creates great intimacy, which is honoring to God. I will not go into more detail than you need at this time, but I encourage you to be completely open and honest with this subject. It is so important that you are both willing and able to communicate, especially if something has happened in the past. I cannot stress enough the importance of communication in this area. You may even need to seek additional help if that is the case.

The Song of Solomon is a great book of love and intimacy showing God’s design.  And once you are married, I highly recommend that you go through Mark Driscoll’s series called “Peasant Princess” together.

Just like everything else that we have discussed, sex is something you need to pray about.

QUESTIONS FOR YOU TO CONSIDER

1.        Do you agree that purity is a priority or is this something that you are struggling with?

2.       Do you view sex as healthy, or have you been taught it is shameful?

3.       Is there anything you feel is too embarrassing to discuss?

4.       Do you have any concerns or past hurts that you need to talk through before you would get married?

5.       Are you confident that the other person is understanding of your feelings regarding sex?

Her Story

Tony and I met at Christian Skate Night in Bergenfield, NJ. I always went with my cousin Ruthy. One time while skating I saw Tony and asked my cousin if she agreed that he looked like an older “PeeWee” (nickname of one of the pastor’s sons). She agreed and told me to go say hi. I insisted I would not and that I didn’t mean it like that. She was relentless, and each time I went around she would say it again and occasionally add, “I’ll go with you; come on. I am not going to stop.” Or, “I am going to tell him you want to meet him.” On and on it went until I finally relented. We introduced ourselves, and I even fixed him up with another girl who he said was way too young for him.

Our friendship grew and we would invite each other to church events or go to concerts or occasionally out to dinner. I never considered him because he was divorced due to his wife’s adultery.  I always said I would never marry someone who had been divorced. I saw him as a friend until five years later when I was heartbroken by a guy and prayed a very specific “fleece” prayer. It went like this: “Lord if I should wait for this guy, please make it clear over the next month. If it is not your will, then please bring someone else into my life to confirm it.” Right around that time my pastor did a series on Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage. During that Sunday night study, God began to change my heart about never marrying someone who had been divorced.

I had been working hard and having to lay people off at work. I was stressed by it and knew I needed a vacation. A former co-worker lived in Florida and invited me down. I said I would check plane tickets and see if I found something for a long weekend. I did and booked it. I remember Tony had said he was going to visit his parents in Florida, but I didn’t know if they lived near Boca Raton where I was going or if his dates even corresponded. Not only did our plans overlap but so did the location. I adjusted my stay by one day to fly back with him.

While there, I had a glitch with the car rental and called Tony the day prior to tell him I couldn’t meet him. He somehow managed to get his brother-in-law to come pick me up.  Everyone was super nice. Tony asked if I wanted to go for a walk. Something in the Florida air that spring day was magical, for Tony took my hand and I let him.  Later he kissed me. I realized later that day was exactly one month from my fleece prayer. We flew home and continued dating and eventually started talking about marriage. Tony owned a Harley and we would go out on day and weekend trips with CMA (Christian Motorcycle Association) within the tri-state area of New York.

There were rocky times, and one time in particular I almost broke up with him. Tony is the complete opposite of me and his introverted personality would result in his withdrawing. I cannot recall what the issue was, but I told myself that when we returned from the motorcycle weekend

I was going to break up with him. He must have sensed something from me because he changed. In hindsight, to avoid a rocky marriage, I would counsel couples to either wait and work through these issues or go for counseling together. It is better to break up than it is to divorce and it will make the marriage more content and fulfilling.

~~Rose

God has already written your story

” For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11

CRITICAL THINKING EXERCISE

Nobody likes to do chores, but you both work full-time and you have two small children. How do you find balance with all that needs to be done?

SCRIPTURE FOR MEMORIZATION

“I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine;” Song of Songs 6:3

PRAYER

Dear Lord Jesus,

We thank You for this gift that You have promised to us. We pray that in Your timing, after marriage, You would let it be a blessing that bonds us together as one so that we may grow closer and honor You. If there is anything that would stand in the way of that, please reveal it and bring healing to it.     Amen

My FatherTold

Me So

Week 12

How to Hear God’s Voice and Know For Sure That This is the One He Has Chosen For You

Hearing God’s voice is not always as easy or timely as we would like. Everyone is different in how they seek the Lord and how he reveals things to them. Our relationship with Him is personal and intimate.

If you truly want to know for sure that God has chosen this person for you, then pay attention. This week is a culmination of everything we have discussed so far.

First and foremost you must be rock solid in your relationship with the Lord. You must not only be sensitive to His leading but also willing to accept His direction, whether it be toward something or away from it. Knowing and following are completely different things. Sometimes we are clear on what God wants for our lives, but we are reluctant to be obedient if it is not what we want. I have met many people that continued in a relationship either because it was comfortable or they just didn’t want to hurt the other person, all the while knowing it was not God’s plan for them. Following God’s plan is sometimes difficult but always worth it in the end. We can never even begin to estimate how great God’s plan is in our own minds. Therefore, following is an action resulting in God being honored and our ultimate blessing.

You then must be united in your faith and serve the Lord together. In order to be united, however, you must ask yourself if you feel the other person exhibits strength in their faith.

Have you sought out and listened to wise counsel? Do you practice guarding your relationship?

If you remain steadfast in your time with the Lord at this stage in your relationship, He will give you the peace to confirm or the knowledge to know otherwise.

As Andrew said in Week 1...spend a lot of time together. If you both love the Lord, He is the center of your relationship, your boundaries and beliefs are the same, and you could not imagine life apart, then you just know!

QUESTIONS FOR YOU TO CONSIDER

1.        Do either of you have any reservations about moving toward marriage?

2.       Ask someone older and wiser that knows you well to tell you why they believe this relationship to be right for you both.

3.       Could you imagine life without the other person?

4.       Do you have complete peace when it comes to this relationship being God’s plan for you?

5.       How can you as a couple bring honor to God?

Her Story

It's funny, because my grandmother always told me that God would show me who my husband would be. And since my grandmother told me, it was some sort of an expectation. She was a very Godly woman, so anything she said I took very seriously and I trusted that God would point out who my husband would be. I just knew He would tell me—I trusted Him—that was my prayer. I really didn't want to make a mistake in that area.

When I met Brian, we were at Saddleback Church at a young adult leadership meeting. He was speaking to our group that night, and I thought he was super cute and smart. As I noticed him, it was as if the whole room got silent. And in some sort of slow motion, I heard a very audible voice inside of my head but in the form of a whisper saying, “HUSBAND!” I kid you not! I turned to look behind me, but I knew that what I had just heard nobody else had heard—just me! And silly me, I said, “Nah!! No way would he go out with me!” Haha! The funny thing is that I completely forgot about that moment! I'm not sure why.

A few weeks passed by, and one Sunday after service I was volunteering at the information table. My mom was sitting close by waiting for me. Brian came by to say hello and he was the usual friendly, sweet Brian. We talked for a little bit and then he went home. He didn't know my mom was looking at us. As my mom and I were walking to the car, my mom said she thought we would make a very cute couple and she really, really liked him for me! I laughed at my mom, thinking there's no way he'd go out with me! Plus, I was not going to ask him out. It was not lady-like to ask a guy out! Right?

Anyway, going forward a year later, I found myself holding my dad's arm. I was dressed in a beautiful white dress, ready to walk down the aisle and marry the man of my dreams. As the doors opened and I noticed all my friends and family standing there just waiting for me, God reminded me of that moment at the church when he whispered to my ear, “HUSBAND!” And there he was, waiting for me at the end of the aisle with the biggest smile. All I can remember is that I said, “Yes, you're right!”

It's interesting to look back. It's not like I had the fairy tale in which you have love at first sight or anything like that. But I always felt confident that God would guide me to the person he wanted for me. It's not like I doubted God; I just didn't think I was cute enough or smart enough for Brian to pick ME! Isn't that funny?

One of the very first things I would strongly recommend is for couples to establish the habit of praying together. Back in the day when Brian and I started dating, I found very attractive the fact that he would call me each morning to ask, “What can I pray for you today?” At first I was very shocked and shy, and I wasn't sure of what to say. I thought he was nosy and getting into my business. But his interest in me and his desire to lift my need before God made me so much more attracted to him. So I began asking him the same question. Shortly after, I noticed that our prayers sparked a special way of communication between us, and we suddenly found ourselves praying for each other every day, sometimes in the morning and then at night.

So here we find ourselves, 16 years later, and I must admit there have been times we have felt neither the energy nor the desire to pray for each other. It may be due to some sort of conflict between us, when there's that fleshy, selfish resistance that comes only naturally during those times. The last thing one wants to do is to lift up in prayer the person that you're having a conflict with, right? Then when the moment to pray for each other comes, we want to ask God to change our spouse's heart or bring fire and brimstone. We should certainly know it has to start within us. The Holy Spirit is still in business, so once we finish praying, we realize that we were too stupid and prideful, and we apologize and move forward. Marriage could be full of conflict, but it's like a triangle—God at the top and us on each corner. The closer we get to God, the closer we get to each other.

~~Claudia

God has already written your story

” For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11

CRITICAL THINKING EXERCISE

The wife grew up in a home with little or no affection. She seems to need so much more attention than the husband was prepared to be responsible to provide.

SCRIPTURE FOR MEMORIZATION

“But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.” James 1:6

PRAYER

Dear Lord Jesus,

Thank You for Your faithfulness. Please continue to grow us in Your knowledge and Your plan for our lives together.  Please let all we say and do bring honor and glory to Your Name.     Amen

May God Bless You and Your Relationship

Thank you for taking the time to complete this study. I pray that you have been blessed by it. I believe that you will find it to be an invaluable investment in your relationship. Taking none of the credit myself for the content but giving total credit to the Lord.

Please take time to review this book on Amazon. Thank you.

In His grip,

Jennifer Johnson

What does it mean to be a Christ follower you ask?

Our culture is flooded with many different religions. When I was growing up, you were either a Christian or you were Catholic. That was pretty much it. With the resources available today, however, more religions are being brought to the forefront and are being investigated by those seeking some sort of “meaning” to life. With so much available, it seems as though Christianity has become a comfy, feel-good “religion.” It seems to be a common thought that as long as you are a good person, you treat others well, and you have some degree of moral code, you can refer to yourself as a Christian.

Being a Christ follower has nothing to do with organized religion. Being a Christ follower is a personal and intimate choice that has everything to do with the condition of your heart.

A Christ follower makes a conscious decision to step out in faith and stand upon the full belief that there is but one true God that sent his only begotten son to die for our sins. We believe that we are truly sinners by nature and that only by believing in the ultimate sacrifice made on the cross, on a hill far away, many years ago, can we have hope. Hope in a savior whose name is Jesus.

Christ followers are not perfect. We are very flawed and know that without receiving this free gift, one that we cannot earn or deserve, we are doomed.

If you have never accepted this free gift of salvation and would like to do so, here is a short prayer that you can say in your heart. This is just a verbal confirmation of what you believe deep in your heart. The prayer itself does not save you; it is your faith and trust in God that saves you.

“Dear God, I know that I am a sinner. I know you say that without your son dying for my sins, I would remain separated from you for eternity. I ask you now to forgive me of those sins, and I accept the gift that your son gave on the cross to pay for those sins. Please begin to grow me in a better knowledge of Your Word, the Bible, and your plans for my life.”     Amen

If you have just made this decision for your life, I would love to hear from you.

You can find me at:  authorjenjohnson@yahoo.com

~Blessings, Jen

Jon and Steffie Markey

Jonathan Markey arrived in Ukraine as a six-year old, the seventh child of eight, and son of a missionary pastor.  He received his Master's degree in classical piano in Kyiv. In the summer of 2004, he met Stephanie Pearce as she was serving with a mission’s team in Ukraine, and he was her team's translator. A long distance relationship began and led to their marriage in 2007. They serve as missionaries in Ternopol, Ukraine, where Jon is the worship leader. He has conducted several worship conferences and has been writing worship songs for several years, recently producing a 5-song EP, Strength in Weakness, on which Steffie is a vocalist. They have two children, Katie Rose (4), and George William (3), and are awaiting the arrival of Mira Grace (January 2014).

Scott and April Goodger

Scott and April have been married for 19 years and have 2 beautiful girls, ages 10 and 13. Scott is a Professional Services Consultant for Active Network Faith, where he assists churches around the country in adapting their current business processes to fit within the boundaries of their new church management system, Fellowship One. April is COO of the Goodger Household and volunteers in her community. They are actively involved in their church and have participated and led various small groups. Family time has been a priority in their marriage since day one, and they do not allow the busyness of life’s activities to pull them apart. Dinner time together is not optional.

Brian and Claudia Williams

Brian Williams is a Board Certified Coach and has extensive experience in helping people improve key areas of their lives, including wellness, career, business, relationships, and most importantly, walking with Jesus. He has assisted more than 1,000 people in these different areas and has helped many of them fulfill their God-ordained purpose through the direction of Jesus Christ. He partners with each person to help him (or her) clearly move forward by taking the right steps and to achieve their goals through accountability and encouragement. Brian is also an ordained pastor through the Anchor Bay Evangelistic Association. He uses his spiritual background and training not only to help others grow through coaching but also to help lead the Prayer Ministry at his church, facilitate small groups, and organize various spiritual campaigns and church projects. Brian and his wife, Claudia,attend and serve at Saddleback Community Church in Southern California. Brian and Claudia were married in San Juan Capistrano at Life Church by a best friend and mentor, Dennis Bingham, on May 30, 1998. Claudia is an office manager at a large dental practice in Laguna Hills, where she has been working for over a decade. She loves to spend time with family and enjoys her ministry of counseling women and couples through Saddleback Church. In addition, she enjoys music, her dogs (Bella and Bonita), and shopping when she gets the chance. Together they enjoy traveling, going to different events, and watching good movies. They dedicate each morning to praying for each other and the future God has for them as a couple.

Tony and Rose Sconza

Tony and rose were married on August 31, 1991. Tony worked many jobs from restaurants to chemical labs to maintenance repairs. After moving to Florida he started a home business doing home remodeling and repairs. Rose graduated from The King’s College in 1985 with a BA in History and Minor in Psychology. Rose worked in Human Resource Leadership for over twenty-three years. She currently works for BayCare Health Systems, supporting physicians and clinicians with their electronic medical records. She is also going to seminary to earn her Masters in Theology. Shortly after his marriage to Rose, Tony was officially diagnosed with an early onset of Parkinson’s disease. Eventually this disease would lead to disability and surgeries. The disease has been a trying time for both, but it has also brought them closer together and has been used for God’s glory. They have three children: a teenage son named Aaron and two daughters in heaven. Additionally, they have a playful, four-legged Goldendoodle dog and all reside in Tampa Bay Florida.

Lou and Pam Roller

Lou and Pam have been married for seven years. They have six children, two grandchildren, and one spoiled dog. They both serve in their church as Greeters, Ushers, and also in the Café. They have led three sessions of small groups in their home, and Lou serves as an Elder and leads the Men’s Group.  Lou and Pam love serving the Lord and pray that he leads them in their walk every day. Good communication is very important to them, as well as beginning their day in prayer together. They enjoy anything outdoors, traveling, and being with family—especially their grandchildren.

Andrew and Colleen

Andrew and Colleen were married in 2011. They have a beautiful baby girl, Jayna, and are expecting their second child early next year. They are both on staff at their church, Next Level. Andrew went to Bible College at Word of Life and Liberty Bible College. Colleen graduated from Fordham University, then attended culinary school and later earned her teaching certificate. Andrew is the youth pastor and Colleen now oversees the music ministry at Next Level (she’s not teaching or cooking). Their love for the people in their community is evidenced in their everyday lives. Lord willing, they hope to one day adopt a child. This is very close to their hearts, as Colleen serves as a guardian ad litem and has witnessed firsthand how many children are in need of a loving home.