Going Together

couples travelling in faith and culture

By

Peter Renew

Copyright © 2013 Peter Renew

All rights reserved.

ISBN-13: 978-1490537672

ISBN-10: 1490537678

For Sandy

I’ve already given you all I’ve got

There’s nothing else to give

I’ve already received all you have

There’s nothing else to get

But, for both of us together

There’s everything to live for

To see, to do, to experience

Because, one day, two became one.

Thank you

Other books by the same author; Peter Renew

The Bareilly Ace.

A novel set in Victorian India and south Wales; genre, historical fiction. The Bareilly Ace follows the life of Sue, a young girl with uncommon abilities, drive and wit as she establishes medical services for underprivileged women in northern India. She defends herself in court to protect her reputation, her marriage and her inheritance.

Mission in Action-dispatches from the front line.

Non-fiction; follows the authors life through almost a lifetime of managing medical and rehabilitation services for people with disabilities in Africa and Asia. Mission service with various Christian organisations provides the backdrop to the real-life stories of events, scenarios and circumstances which are thought provoking and occasionally amusing. Each chapter includes life-application Biblical points to ponder, or discuss with friends.

Sight For Sore Eyes-vision and blindness in perspective.

Non-fiction; follows the authors life through almost a lifetime of organising and managing medical, education and rehabilitation services for blind,  visually impaired people in Africa and Asia. With data on world blindness levels ‘Sight For Sore Eyes’ shows what Christians, and others, have been doing in the fight against avoidable blindness in some of the poorest regions of the world.

Faces of Compassion-for a world in need.

Non-fiction. ‘Faces of Compassion’ is a Biblical analysis of compassion; what it is and what it is not. Comparing Old Testament and New Testament models of compassion this book draws parallels to the present day from real life events. Wherever people suffer, our Christian duty towards service demands we work with compassion and understanding.

We Can Do It-development, disability and determination.

Non-fiction: ‘We can do it’ is a celebration of the knowledge that the solution, the possibility to achieve, is often within ourselves, or our own community. Peter found Vietnam to be the role-model for 'we can do it' attitude and this is reflected in one of the real-life events he recounts. This book is a compilation of the best from ‘Mission in Action’, and ‘Sight For Sore Eyes’. Rewritten for the secular reader and without Biblical points to ponder at the ends of chapters.

Fuller information at

www.peterenew.com

www.peterrenewbooks.com

Author's notes about ‘Going Together’

Peter writes...

I am not certain exactly when I first noticed that expatriate living is corrosive to marriages. The fact that a number of couples around us were crumbling under the strain certainly brought matters to my attention. But our own experiences helped us see that marital stress and strain is possible in almost any area that you would not have imagined. Why was that, when we are such a close couple? I asked around and found that others had seen the same problem: and so was born the idea for this book.

Throughout my travels in Christian mission, I took notes to remember things that were unusual; and some of these notes concerned relationships. I was amazed at the material emerging. I later wrote to 50 Christian married couples (with whom we had worked); each had substantial cross-cultural experience and, as I had promised anonymity, many replied with their own stories. These have been woven together in one book with each story's owner, location, names and circumstances changed, to be unrecognisable. Yet the essence of the stories and lessons learned has survived.

Contents

Introduction                                                                                                  9

Chapter 1 Marriages surviving adventurous living                            17

Chapter 2 Relationship basics before working overseas              24

Chapter 3 What makes a wedding?                                                        52

Chapter 4 Anticipating setting out on mission                            58

Chapter 5 Planning and time                                                                      76

Chapter 6 Communication                                                                      87

Chapter 7 Treasure it; remember it                                                        96

Chapter 8 The ingredients that make up a marriage                            100

Chapter 9 A positively good chapter                                                        110

Chapter 10 Marriage and interfaith issues                                          117

Chapter 11 Marriage & interdenominational issues                            135

Chapter 12 Marriage and cross-cultural living: 1                            150

Chapter 13 Marriage and cross-cultural living: 2                            174

Chapter 14 Experiencing God together                                          184

Chapter 15 Two become one; but we are different                            202

Chapter 16 Coping mechanisms;                                                         230

Chapter 17 Baggage: two suitcases and a rucksack              241

Chapter 18 Losing your way                                                                      247

Chapter 19 The log fire                                                                      258

Chapter 20 A roof over your head:                                                        263

Chapter 21 Top secret; for your eyes only                                          273

Chapter 22 What next? Returning home?                                           283

Chapter 23 Now what?                                                                       290

Author Information                                                                                      296

He said / she said; the gender agenda.

In this book and in marriage too, there are many and varied ways that he can be transposed with she. In illustrative examples I have usually told the story in terms of he did this, or she said that.

Except in obvious cases where the story, by necessity of circumstance, is gender specific, interchangeability of the attitudes and scenarios is assumed. I am not expressing an opinion that “men always say this” or “women always react like that” and vice versa. The learning from these pages is meant to bilaterally impact both people in a marriage.

Even if a particular point does not apply to you, maybe it does to your spouse and you can learn how to understand him / her in that context.

Acknowledgements and thanks.

Though this book is shown as being written by me, this understates the case.

Without the knowledge of marriage that I have gained from being married to Sandy, without the people with whom we have worked and lived alongside, without those people who bravely contributed stories from their own marriage, this book could not have been written. I would like to thank them all publicly but I promised them anonymity. So… you know who you are; thank you very much.

Furthermore, Sandy contributed to this book in many ways at the editing stage by sharpening up some sections with a woman’s perspective, adding new ideas, better ideas, and offering her praise and criticism. I survived!

Peter Renew June 2013

Introduction

This book is for adventurous people. So is Christian marriage.

It is not just another book on marriage; a ‘How To’ book on what formula to use to make it last. It is specifically about marriage in the context of cross-cultural and interfaith living. It is a book based on experience working in Christian mission over eighteen years and travelling internationally for twenty five years. It explores all sorts of outside influences that can impact a marriage, sometimes creeping up unannounced and unobserved, potentially having devastating effects.

It is written with a mindset for couples; men and women serving God and living out their life and faith in unfamiliar circumstances or places, often immersed in cultural differences and surrounded by issues generated by the distinctness of faiths.

Throughout, the people to whom the book is aimed are those involved in Christian mission; broadly speaking, missionaries. However, in effect this includes all Christian couples working internationally; also, increasingly these days as countries become more culturally diverse, those working in cross-cultural and interfaith situations of their home country.

They may be working for a mission agency, working independently, in a secular charity, in social work under contract to a government, or in aid and development.

Much of the book is also relevant to expatriate Christians working in the commercial sector, working in business or industry, or the diplomatic corps. Here the pressures of living conditions may be cushioned by plusher surroundings and their career prospects are rather different, but such expatriate marriages are just as much under threat. Some would say that they are more so. Though, the joys of an excellent marriage and the dangers to a fragile marriage are much the same for all categories. Some of the issues that are likely to be encountered will be easy to adapt to and others apparently insurmountable.

We are in a world spinning in pursuit of more and more studying, examinations and qualifications. Certificates and proof that we achieved something is all the world wants and recognises. In many Asian countries it is normal for a professional to have his academic certificates framed and hanging on his office wall. Yet, one of the most important things in life is not based on any of these. In some countries it is in danger of being cast aside as a thing of the past and an irrelevance for today.

Maybe that is already happening?

Marriage; and for this book, marriage specifically in the Christian context, has no exams, no qualifications, no formalised interview process and no legalised procedure or means to indicate acceptance until the actual wedding day arrives. It is all a matter of individual thought, opinion, tastes, preferences, character, looks, physical attraction and mental chemistry; mostly on the part of the happy couple, but in some cultures, including other family members too. It is most normally conducted without any form of situation analysis, annual review or strategic planning. It would be counted as odd, in any culture, for a senior executive to have his marriage certificate on the office wall!

Society expects and imagines that we will just learn it, live it and love it because marriage comes naturally; doesn’t it? There is often an unspoken assumption and expectation that the momentum of everlasting love will carry the marriage forward, without regular and persistent attention. Such is the prevailing situation worldwide and any talk of nurturing, developing and promoting our marriage relationship skills meets with puzzled looks and unrealistic bemusement if spoken by a woman and astonishment if spoken by a man. After all, love comes naturally, doesn’t it; shouldn’t it?

A young married Christian professional was complaining to her employer about the extent of hours of work; too much overtime and too much time on emergency call at weekends led to insufficient time with her husband. She was told,

“Don’t worry dear, the less you see your husband, the longer your marriage will last!”

Marriage needs tending constantly, every day, every week; not just once in a while when you feel like it or when you remember. Even the best top-of-the-range Mercedes car needs to have regular servicing, oil change and new spark plugs from time to time. There are bits and pieces in the engine that the amateur hardly knows are there, but they still need adjusting periodically.

Top chefs regularly check the oven to see how everything is going, and if they want to be successful they make adjustments or even radical changes as things progress. The best surgeons, doing the most complex operations, rely on regular feedback from the anaesthetist and from a plethora of electronic gadgetry that monitors the patient’s condition. Ignoring such vital signs by ploughing on regardless, using radical strokes with the scalpel, invites an appointment with the mortuary.

So it is with marriage. Watching the signs followed by a little deft work with a metaphorical scalpel is often what is needed. Check it, monitor it, service it, pursue excellence and reap the rewards of a vibrant relationship.

Maybe you think this reduces your love and commitment to a person to a formula of processes; you may be right! But it can all be done with tenderness, respect and appreciation; and it shows that you care too.

I have just made a calculation to surprise even the most dedicated marriage enthusiast. This week as we contemplate reaching the thirty forth anniversary of our first date, I calculate that Sandy and I have been together over twelve thousand four hundred days! What good fortune that we were created by God who cares for us and spreads out our life experience into measured days, in manageable doses so that we can cope with it.

About twelve thousand days of conversations and enjoying being together; even in silence. Pleasure, pain, misunderstanding, great joy, fun, friendship and yes...strife too! The best experiences of twelve thousand days would not be tolerable all in one go. Even the ecstasy, coming all at once, would become agony.

As married people we each have our own lives to lead and yet, as the Bible tells us, we two are now one, we also experience all the life issues of our spouse too. Being one brings a double dose of everything, but from a perspective of unity. Being united we have, in a sense, the joys and difficulties of living two lives.

All this is true of Christian marriage in general; but add to that recipe the development of our spiritual path, our walk with God, our progress and failures, our comings and goings, our sins and being forgiven, our understanding and lack of it, our human frailty and our spiritual strengths. This makes a potent mix that challenges the best brains, the strongest personalities, the most resilient friendships and the most spiritually aware. Even those who have great practical abilities, who pride themselves on being good at steering through life by resolving problems, would struggle.

Worldwide, each year a large number of Christian couples feel called to work in Christian ministry, mission, social work, charities, medicine, education, aid or development, in countries or situations other than their own. Even more go to work in the commercial expatriate sector, for multi-national corporations and for governments. Many become key members of International churches in the capital city to which they are sent.

Some go to places where there is no International church based on a foreign language, often English. Especially those in mission spend months in language school to communicate fluently in the language of the nation that hosts them. Planting churches, nurturing fledgling ones and promoting medical and social services, whether in main towns or outlying places; the assignment becomes their second home, and in due time begins to feel like their main home.

For all who live outside their natural comfort-zone, culture shock and other unfamiliar factors arise in many and varied guises. Make no mistake; these are liable to be as corrosive to Christian marriage, as they are to unmarried couples living together. However, there is the added dynamic of spiritual warfare in which Satan loves to see the downfall of Christian marriages.

Many years ago a Christian friend was working as a nurse in a hospital in a UK town known for its occult activity going back many years. As it was meal time, she was helping various incapacitated patients with their food. One patient was not eating and when asked why, she said she was fasting and praying that week. Thinking she was therefore also a Christian she said,

“Oh, I’m a Christian too. Would you like me to pray with you when I have finished helping the other patients?”

The unexpected response was that,

“No; I am a white witch and am fasting and praying this week for the failure of Christian marriages.”

The post-modern society of Europe and America, and many other places too, enables one to decide upon your own standards, ethics and morals without reference elsewhere. Opinion-forming is as individual and self-defining as one wants. Without faith in God and without the Biblical basis for one’s life, beliefs and opinions; or...for members of other faiths, without the defining basis of their beliefs, there are now few rules to follow. This has had significant impact on marriage and relationships and I imagine it will affect marriage more and more over the coming years.

A colleague once asked,

“What are morals anyway? Who defines what is right and what is wrong? That’s up to the individual. It all depends on how you were brought up, and what standard was applied to your development.”

Such is the world environment in which we now pursue Christian marriage. Not just for the sake of the piece of paper, not just to make us feel good or be right with the neighbours. We do it, pursue it, live it, love it, promote it, nurture it and defend it because it is part of God’s plan for men and women to be in a satisfying and sustaining alliance. Our aim is to be at one with each other and for that oneness to reflect His glory as people of love, commitment and dedication; but essentially under the sovereignty of Christ.

Working in cross-cultural or interfaith settings and away from our natural home affects the way we live and feel and so impacts Christian marriage in far reaching ways that one can hardly anticipate on initially setting out. These external influences enhance, enrich and challenge the norms of our marriages. They can become an additional layer of burden which causes undue strain on the relationship where there was little, or even none, before. Conversely they can be like a magnifying glass, an amplifier through which the excitement of sharing rich, new and satisfying experiences together is enhanced.

Some of the material in this book originates from our own marriage and substantial experience in many countries of Africa and Asia over more than twenty years. Sandy and I have been together over thirty five years, and married almost as long. Some material is inspired by ideas precipitated by training and conferences on marriage, marriage reviews, Christian counselling and attending workshops on healing and wholeness.

Some is influenced by the experience of living and working for four years on a serving Christian community in the UK, assisting with the running of conferences, retreats and seminars. Most of the material originates from people and marriages we have known in countries other than the UK.

However, in order to avoid the book being a flat piece of writing just about “Peter and Sandy’s marriage,” I wrote to more than fifty Christian couples with wide life and marriage experience immersed in cross-cultural and interfaith influences. I invited them to allow us to climb inside their marriages, to understand some of the things they learnt along the way.

Some sent back stories, anecdotes and examples of things they lived and worked through as a couple. Many, understandably, declined to comment on an area of life as personal as marriage.

Some of the experiences they shared have been included in this book, but throughout it all, identities and countries, circumstances and personal details have been changed in order to rigorously protect the privacy that marriage deserves. Yet the essence, the important marriage-point of the original story is real.  All names of couples, except our own, are fictitious and have been quoted here as unlikely rhyming pairs to enhance the feeling of anonymity. For instance Bill and Jill…

For each of the examples given, they are just that; examples. There are many additional factors, situations and events that one could use to illustrate a particular point, but to include everything would make the text inordinately long. I am sure readers will identify much additional material from their own circle of contacts.

It has taken some courage to tackle such a complex, deep and important topic and I hope that it will become a significant help to those who respond to God’s calling by setting out internationally, or cross-culturally, across boundaries of faith, to be the instruments of change, relief of suffering, spiritual growth and maturity.

“God can do anything, you know---far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.” (Ephesians 3:20. The Message)

Chapter 1 Marriages surviving adventurous living

I have always had an adventurous streak flowing through my veins.

Camping, scouts, cadets, rock climbing, ice climbing, fell running, mountaineering, orienteering, parachuting, canoeing, swimming, caving, hill walking, survival training, sailing, shooting, gliding, flying and white water rafting. I suppose God had these attributes in mind when establishing my resilience for all he would later give me to do.

It makes me breathless thinking back on all of those things. Though much of it was more than thirty years ago I wonder at the wisdom of it all.  But it was God who had the wisdom to dig deep in his ‘pocket’ and find a girl who had done most of those things too. There were a few additional accomplishments that she had to her credit, or was better at, such as playing team hockey, canoeing, gymnastics and dance. She was great as a backstage person in professional repertory theatre.

Though I cannot fathom the attraction of hockey, it is strange that I too was brought up on the theatre, and especially liked mystery and suspense plays; such as Agatha Christie whodunnits.

That was the nature of our lives before we met, and beyond, during those ancient years B.C. (Before Children). But that is of insignificance when compared to the adventure of marriage and of finding God, followed by stepping out in faith. For us, all three adventures have been thoroughly intertwined. Imagine what a ball we have had enjoying all three together! Though we cut back on rock climbing, the years A.D. (After Diapers*!) were just as entertaining and enlivening.

* Sorry Brits, After Nappies just doesn’t fit suitable abbreviated letters!

From teenage years onwards life has been persistently adventurous. The Oxford English Dictionary defines ‘adventurous’ as open to or involving new or exciting experiences. Yet ‘adventure’ is defined as 1.an unusual, exciting and daring experience 2. excitement which is the result of danger or risk.

I considered these definitions in the context of this book on Christian marriage and though I found the descriptions very fitting to our lives, both B.C. and A.D. I was initially unsure about the danger or risk part. But the more I thought about it I realised that Christian marriage certainly does involve danger and risk too. We risk much and there are potential marital dangers all around. The divorce statistics are there to prove it.

In what other life-activity do everyday ordinary people lay bare their body, mind, soul and spirit to other people? How else do we risk the exposing of our innermost being, our thoughts, our hurts, our pleasures and our triumphs? In what other scenario can we expect someone to share our disappointments with the same tenderness as might be exercised for the celebrating of achievements? Who else but God and our spouse know the things we pray about and yearn for; the secrets of our heart, to know and accept? Is that the nature of unconditional love?

Thus, it is no accident that this book has a continuing theme of adventurousness, drawn from several life applications. Even if you are not a budding explorer in the wilderness and great-outdoors sense, don’t lose heart. By persevering through this theme you will understand illustrations of adventure in marriage to excite, thrill, inspire and motivate you to turn your good marriage into a vibrant one; one that is full of energy and enthusiasm.

Sounds great doesn’t it? Sounds impossible? There are no magic answers and marriage-partners who are already struggling to maintain a floating position above the whirlpool of stress, tiredness, boredom and poor cooperation, or other factors, may not be best placed for this book; ...yet.

Now is the time to take stock of your situation, talk to Christian friends, visit the Christian bookshop for useful books on marriage enrichment, cut some things out of your busy schedule and use that time to talk, discuss and plan for a better future. In fact, if you both set out to listen with an open heart and open ears, more than you talk, you should get on fine with a revitalisation of your marriage.

If your situation is more serious and your marriage needs a resurrection instead of revitalisation, I suggest firstly being in contact with a professional Christian marriage guidance counsellor; aiming to work together to regain a position of trust, openness and transparency. You too can have a vision for enjoying an exciting and adventurous marriage together.

Such a marriage is not unreachable as long as you are aware that no adventure is without its downfalls, dangers and difficulties. They are inherent in it.

I have read many accounts of mountaineers, sailors, jungle trekkers and explorers who enthusiastically set out on mega-adventures reported on the front pages of newspapers. Not one of them did it without blood, sweat and tears. Not one adventure, one expedition, was achieved without moments of despair and some panic that it would not work out; but not one of those successful explorers returned home without the euphoria and invigoration of the achievement.

Some people expect marriage to work, some want it to work, some hope it will work, and some have never thought about it. After all, it’s natural...isn’t it?

Are you ready for the adventure of your lifetime? Are you setting out to work in an area or country with a culture not naturally familiar, convenient and comfortable to your background? Are you encountering or interacting with the boundaries of different faiths or even different denominations of the Christian church? Are you ready for the most exciting adventurous challenge of them all?

A phrase comes to mind, originating from crowded Indian trains when all seats are already occupied, but not packed tightly. A man will enter the over-full carriage, wishing to sit, and with an expressive wave of his hand will politely request his fellow passengers to,

“Please adjust.”

Invariably someone does and the man sits hip-to-hip in close proximity with his fellow travellers, jammed into the resulting space; everyone rocking and swaying in unison with the clackety-clack of the carriage and wheels on the track that guides them through the countryside.

So marriage for adventurous Christian couples may perhaps be characterised by the phrase “please adjust.” After which you will be closer than ever before. Not always comfortable, aware that you are there for the long haul, but feeling closer to one another than in any other situation. You wouldn’t consider being anywhere else; would you?

It is the sharing of difficult, different and dangerous things that not only makes the cement of marriage work so well, but it is exactly those same things that can divide too. Those are the things we will be exploring in the following chapters.

Some years ago I worked on a selection and interviewing group, to assess candidates’ suitability for overseas service in Christian mission. It was certainly very interesting. I found out that, contrary to what you might expect, married couples tend to have a greater ‘failure’ rate overseas than single people do.

By this I mean that married couples are more likely to find it too difficult to adjust to a new culture and unfamiliar circumstances, causing a premature return home sooner than may be experienced by the average unmarried single person.

Apparently negativity from one spouse feeds an attitude of negativity in the other.

In my teens I was in the Royal Air Force cadets and we sometimes used to go away for the weekend to visit RAF bases for a time of military training, marching, map reading and aeronautics lessons. There were also assault courses and quite a lot of fun.  On one such weekend we were at the No.1 Parachute Training School at Abingdon near Oxford. Talking to a group of Parachute Regiment recruits in training, in the NAAFI, we heard that there were stringent rules for dealing with those who refused to jump out of the plane.

In order to stop any possibility of negativity creeping in unannounced and uninvited, to stop refusals to jump spreading like wildfire round the camp, the offending recruit would be flown back to the airfield and immediately escorted off base by the RAF Military Police.

No time to collect possessions, no opportunity to say goodbye. They are effectively gone in an instant...back to their original regiment and with their bags of possessions sent on later. In the opinion of the military, that is the only way to stop negativity spreading like wildfire.

Clearly negativity is dangerous.

One might expect that a couple would be a close and tight-knit entity to support and nurture each other through difficulties. Actually the opposite seems to be true, in comparison to those outside marriage. And it seems to be something to do with their closeness, their at-oneness, or because of it, that the problems start.

For a married couple, only one has to be having difficulties for both to be troubled. After all, as we have already found, the two are one and each suffers a double dose of elation and a double dose of suffering; his and hers.

For instance, though a large simplification, she struggles with this or that aspect of the new situation and culture, and says:

“It’s just too hard for me to stand it, dear. Isn’t it terrible here?”

And very soon, in empathy or sympathy, or just plain support for his beloved wife, he agrees:

“Yes, I see what you mean. It is ghastly isn’t it?”

The chain reaction continues. Very soon they agree and mutually decide to return home; after all, they both agree, and are at one mind, that it is terrible here!

Or he says:

“My work is just too stressful, I cannot cope with those people who just don’t understand me and do not understand the right way of doing things. Then I come home and I am so tired I know I am impatient with you and the children...and you don’t like it here either. By keeping you here, I am being so unfair to you.”

They agree the only way out is to leave; convincing each other that this is the only way to rescue their sanity, the stress, their marriage, their family, their faith and all the things they love. And by the way;

“...perhaps, we hope..., if we are less tired and have more space, our passionate sex life will return too!”

And, leaving might be the right course of action, to regain stability and effectiveness.

How much more cost effective, and people friendly, it would be if every mission team had a highly skilled resident counsellor or had access to one nearby. But would the charity donors or the church congregations pay for such a person? I doubt it. From experience, I suspect that parishioners living comfortably at home would feel that the missionaries should be more resilient and attuned to living by faith.

Such a conundrum is difficult for the average church missions-donor to reconcile. They ask, think or say something along the following lines,

“...aren’t all missionaries super spiritual and can’t they draw their strength from the Holy Spirit as they are supposed to? Aren’t they selected for their resourcefulness, strength, evangelistic and / or practical abilities any more?”

No, they were probably not, they were selected on the relevance, reality and revealing of a calling or vocation from God. Or, at least, such Christians should have been. History is full of people whom God has called, yet they were weak or apparently unpromising in this or that area. But God had a plan.

Then what is the problem?

A different yardstick is used at home than is used to measure the abilities, successes and failures of Christians living and working overseas. It is considered normal or understandable for Christians to be suffering or struggling with life in the town where they have always lived. But not five hundred miles ‘up the Ganges’...in a village, culture, and living conditions totally unfamiliar, being bombarded by sights, sounds and smells that all need learning about; and mosquitoes that need dealing with.

And it is hot, very hot; and will be again tomorrow, and the next day.

Chapter 2 Relationship basics before working overseas

Meeting and setting up

As this book is about marriage in a specific set of circumstances, this section on ‘meeting’ may be seen as superfluous and too late! However, books are read by a wide range of people and you, as sage old-hands at marriage, could put this book firmly in the hands of your teenager who is growing up so fast. You could give it to that young couple in church who are carefully exploring the nature of their call.

Sometimes it is necessary to state the obvious in order to shake people up into appreciating the realities of life.

Every week we read the newspapers or magazines, we talk to friends and neighbours, we get an email from a friend that we lost touch with, and we suddenly hear that this or that marriage is breaking down and the divorce courts loom ahead.

Sometimes it is a big surprise, and sometimes you can easily identify that the event is not totally unexpected given the background circumstances and personalities. It seems that in these modern times when there are so many and varied ways to meet someone, millions of people end up developing a relationship with someone who might be viewed as intrinsically unsuitable, but love blossoms anyway; for a while, for months or years.

It seems to me that it is comparatively rare for a couple’s lives to jointly turn in a completely different direction after they meet. Often by the time people are thinking of getting married, their ways, their opinions, likes and dislikes, character traits and flaws, opinions, dreams and ambitions are more or less set in place. That is why it is a risky business getting married in late teens and very early twenties. The years between fifteen and twenty one (or even a few years later to twenty five depending on the person’s maturity and breadth of life experience) are enormously formative.

Though few teenagers would agree at the time, the transformation into adulthood does not always easily line up with eighteen, the statutory coming of age in many countries. We have seen in our own children, and those of other friends and relatives, that eighteen can be just the beginning of entering the world of adult thinking and life planning. I guess that is why college or university education, or the early years of a new job and career, slogging away at the menial tasks while learning, is so important.

By their early twenties many young people have some idea of what they want to do in life, or have some idea of the lifestyle they wish to follow. Therefore, it is of importance that, when looking to relationships, they pursue those which are likely to feed, grow and perpetuate their ambitions.

It is obvious that every prospective date, every likely candidate as a boyfriend or girlfriend cannot easily be measured against a yardstick of what you want, where you are going, what you believe and how you think. But you can have such issues in mind early on before it becomes a more seriously compelling relationship. You can look for your friend, your companion, your mate, your husband or wife, in likely places. Christians will usually prefer marrying a Christian, but as we will find out later, in some countries there are some differing opinions on this.

In our case, Sandy and I met in a very active mountaineering club. Neither of us can complain that the other has some zip and go, an adventurous spirit. For instance it would be a little silly for Sandy to complain that I want to see things, do things, enjoy life, explore, travel, understand other people and have an enquiring mind for new places. If she had wanted a man to accompany her through a sedate, slow moving and staid life, living in the street next door to where she grew up and working somewhere equally uninspiring, she shouldn’t have looked for a man in a mountaineering club where all the members lived life on the edge (deliberate pun!).

Andy and Candy have spent all their married life working for missions in Africa. He is a surgeon and she a teacher. Some years ago at university Andy was dating a different girl, who I never knew, but I gather she was a very attractive, friendly and personable girl of strong faith. Her personality, good looks and charm were what every man wanted in a girlfriend. Everyone thought Andy was the luckiest guy in the university hostel. What a catch she was! Andy had been instantly attracted to her.

Andy had a long term ambition to work in Africa as a surgeon in mission hospitals. His heart burned for people, helping, curing, whatever needed doing to relieve poverty. His beautiful girlfriend just could not see it or relate to it. She had the Christian faith, but not the vision. She was very concerned about living and surviving in those uncomfortable conditions, coping with snakes and mosquitoes, eating food from the market and not always having nice clean water to wash her hair and cosmetics to do her face and polish her nails.

Andy saw that it was a problem and took action in time. He went seeking a girl who had the vision and the drive to see and experience Africa; someone who had the heart to serve and a will to be alongside people despite, and maybe because of, the hardships. Candy came into view, though I never knew how and in what circumstances.

Despite her name, her outward appearance was not quite so blatantly stunning and sweet. But Candy wanted all the things Andy wanted, she could see the two of them working in a bush clinic miles from anywhere and with no supermarket, getting her meat in the market, off the hoof, instead of in a plastic packet. They planned to keep a cow and some chickens too. What a life they could have! And it was a life so different to all of Candy’s friends who settled into suburbia, with nothing much to look forward to except the next family holiday and the factory Christmas party.

The inner beauty shone through; beautiful was an understatement, and that was just her opinion of him! Imagine what he thought of her!

Soon Andy and Candy were married, they moved to live in Africa, serving the local church, their children running around in sandals and dirty feet as they played football with the local boys (without sandals) in the dusty patch of mud opposite the school.

There are now thousands of people in Africa who enjoy better health because of Andy who loved them enough to pick his wife wisely, seeing God’s purposes for his life in her too. And they are all thankful to Candy for picking the right husband!

It’s not theory, but fact. I knew them in Africa.

In past years I have advised all three of our boys the same thing. Find someone who genuinely wants to do what you want to do in life. If I had daughters I would tell them to do the same; find a man who has the same ideals as you, wants to do compatible things and has the same or similar vision and zest for life. Not just seeking the surface, but the underlying personality and character.

Square pegs do not fit into round holes. They may try for a while but in the end the mismatch becomes uncomfortable and clear for all to see. If there is a hole in your life, waiting to be filled, make sure the peg you obtain is of the same shape and profile.

Engaged or considering marriage?

Though this book is not intended for those who are not yet married, as for the last section it will inevitably be picked up by some who are still engaged and are planning their lives together. Maybe you are already feeling the hand of God on your lives and are seeking ways to prepare yourselves. If so; good! Preparation is the keyword here.

At the time Sandy and I were planning to marry we were only on the fringes of the church and our faith was rudimentary. We were seeking. In fact one reason we were even in a church situation at all was because we did not want to get married in church if we actually found no significance in the Christian faith. It would have seemed hypocritical and hollow. On top of that we also had some intelligent questioning to do, to find out,

“Why do all those funny people go to church each week? They can’t all be wrong, can they?”

Thus we found ourselves feeling our way forwards into church life, on the fringe, accepted yet not quite there; so to speak. There was no marriage counselling from the church, no pre-marriage course or in depth discussions to prepare us, as is fairly commonplace these days. Though it is still not freely offered and available at all churches, it would not take you a lot of time to seek out such vital help. I would encourage all engaged couples to do so.

Marriage is probably the most significant decision we make. We do not take a job for life, we do not buy a puppy for life (our lifetime) even though it should normally be for the puppy’s lifetime, we do not buy a car for the rest of our life. Imagine buying a car when we are in our early twenties and expecting to have it till we are eighty seven. People would think us strange and with unrealistic expectations.

Fortunately Sandy and I have always talked a lot and openly spoken about all sorts of issues, even embarrassing or awkward things, but I suppose many couples do that; or do they? What proportion, I wonder, discusses the meaning of life, deep issues of the heart and risks baring the raw emotions of their being?

What was missing was a guided, comprehensive, issue by issue, walk through the implications of marriage. Though, I suppose at the time we thought we were having enough preparation; we just did not realise it. It is only with the benefit of hindsight that we see the differences.

So, now with that knowledge, the first thing I would say to Christian couples getting married is to seek out a planned and structured marriage preparation course at a church near you. You could also try looking at the website of Alpha which runs a pre marriage course and a separate course for those already married, at centres all over the UK, and in many other countries too. The course is excellent.

Their website is http://themarriagecourse.org

If such preparation is not available near you, and even if it is, some general advice on the topic would be as follows. First and foremost, as you are planning to get married in the near future, and you are reading this book, I am sure you are eagerly planning out your lives together. Maybe you are already discussing that one or both of you is feeling called to this or that ministry, this or that country or this or that type of work.

Don’t do it! Not yet...

No I am not anti-mission, anti cross-cultural living or anti interfaith experience. I am not against crossing borders to demonstrate God’s love or to help people in their faith, relieve hurt and suffering, poverty or disadvantage. I am not against responding to a calling from God. But it is vital to get to know each other first; thoroughly, robustly and intimately. There will be enough upheaval in your lives just by getting married, without immersing yourselves in cross-cultural and interfaith issues too.

Take a while to enjoy looking forward to marriage.

If you are eager to get on with your calling as soon as possible after marriage, plan to get some training, plan to gather some similar experience closer to home, plan some time on a retreat to pray together and seek the face of God in His calling. Seek your new identity as a couple, seek your newly shared spirituality, seek space and seek each other’s heart for the tasks ahead. Read this book!

Don’t go the moment the wedding ceremony is over, or even soon after that. Do something more normal and commonplace according to your own individual backgrounds. Do something enjoyable in a safe environment for about a year or more, as you find out who this person is who has just entered your life. Even those who have known each other for a long time can and do discover new things after the marriage vows are uttered.

Do use this time of engagement, and the months after marriage; take this opportunity to find out what it means to be a couple and to enjoy each other. Be aware that if you are still unsure of your own identity and distinctiveness, how can your spouse know? S/he might have to be very perceptive indeed.

Perhaps s/he can help you unravel this by helping you see what s/he sees in you. Do take the time to pursue a good understanding of your faith and ensure your lives are as well- equipped as possible and are fine-tuned for the work ahead. Discuss and consciously remove from your relationship any irritants or annoyances which can be dealt with before you set out internationally.

Even if they cannot be fully resolved, ensure there is a way forward.

Spouses of differing nationality or culture

This is of intense interest to those setting out to work internationally. Maybe the two of you are of different nationality or race; or even a different ethnic background within the same nationality; maybe you each originate from very different life experiences?

An English colleague told me of his courtship with his Chinese girlfriend, now his wife. He was perturbed that he would often tell her he loved her, but there was never any response or reciprocation. He asked her about it one day and asked if she loved him too. The unexpected response was that, of course she did. “I am still with you; isn’t that enough? Doesn’t that tell you I love you?” Apparently, in Chinese culture what you do not say can be as significant, or more so, than what is said.

It would be wise to spend a lot of time getting to know each other, each other’s foibles, each other’s preferences and ways of doing things, before setting out to a country of a third type. Even if the destination is closely aligned to one spouse, then the other would benefit very much from a clear understanding of that culture. This is explored further in chapter twelve.

Maybe it is possible to arrange a visit to stay with relatives in your spouse’s culture / country to see what issues arise? It is surprising how many things may come up, from each other, or from the circumstances, or from one’s relatives.

Have you thought through that your future children will not always be brought up in the traditions that you were brought up in? Maybe new circumstances make it more appropriate to bring them up according to the traditions of your spouse. Does that matter to you? Events, festivals, special occasions and ways of doing things fondly remembered from your own childhood might not be done the same way for your children. Indeed, it is likely that new and different things will be substituted; and you may or may not find them so appealing.

If you decide to live or eventually settle in the home country of your spouse, your in-laws might have more influence on your children than your own parents will. Maybe in that culture the grandparents’ authority is paramount. For dozens of reasons, visits by your own friends and relatives might not always be possible at the desired frequency or, maybe not at all.

Education is always an emotive issue. Whether it is for extension of your own opportunities, or your children’s future, there does need to be agreement on the way ahead. That is, how to do it and to what standard and how to finance that level. You might not feel that the standard education available in your spouse’s country is adequate for your child; your spouse might point out that it was good enough for him / her, so what is the problem?

What about healthcare? If you grew up with superb standards of healthcare and the country that you are to settle in, your spouse’s country, is poorly equipped and resourced, how will you cope with that? And what if the best healthcare is unavailable to your child? It takes some major adjustments to accept the unacceptable.

Maybe there are cultural norms in your prospective new country that your spouse and her wider family may wish to follow, but you are less sure this is a good idea.

Here is just one example, out of potentially hundreds. This particularly emotive cultural norm indicates the need to discuss and understand the cultural differences that are intrinsic to your new situation after marriage.

Seth and Beth had met in Britain when she was at university studying for a degree in Biomedical Sciences. Seth had grown up near the university, but Beth was from faraway Kenya; they had met at church one evening. Together they planned to settle in Kenya long term, to work with the church in a particularly deprived area. Seth was a school teacher and would teach in a village school run by the Church Diocese. Beth planned to bring up their family and work part time in the path-lab at the local hospital.

They wanted to have children as soon as they got to Kenya, partly because they wanted to, but also because there would be big pressure from Beth’s parents, uncles, aunts and cousins, to have a child straight away. And, of course, it was necessary to have a boy. In many African countries, in much of the world, it is seen as very necessary to have boy. It is nearly every parent’s desire and every grandparent’s wish.

Seth was concerned about this because he just wanted a child and was less concerned about it being a boy. It actually did not matter to him, but he wanted to honour her family and say the right things. He knew there would be stress and strain from Beth’s family to have another, and another, till Beth had a boy.

That worried him. He wanted to take it slowly and enjoy bringing up a family one by one, giving love to them irrespective of who or what gender the child was. He found the boy-emphasis difficult to understand, but knew it was important to her. He was also worried because, if the child was a boy it solved the anxiety for Beth, but for him presented other problems. The local tribal custom of the area where Beth’s family came from was that boys should be circumcised. This was a cultural norm.

Seth was not at all happy about that as it was so different to the culture he grew up in. He could remember the totally unjustified taunting and derision that had been shown for circumcised boys in the school showers after football. Though he knew such mocking was wrong, some of the feeling had rubbed off on him and he just believed it to be unnatural; not normal. Wrong.

He understood that it would be different in another cultural setting where it was expected or even required, but old attitudes remained and he didn’t know much about it really; to him, even the thought of it made his eyes water and he was worried whether his son would be alright ‘like that.’

Would he really be alright for the woman he later married?

Beth’s parents would not understand if Seth exerted his husbandly authority and refused to allow it. It was very important to them. But it was important to him too, and he wanted to exert his preferences and authority as the father of his yet unborn son.

What to do?

Even for Beth this was a tough issue because she had travelled to other places, broadened her horizons, and understood life in other contexts. But the fact remained that she struggled with whether to resist the norms of her society, reject the culture of her upbringing, defy her parents and so, risk bringing up a boy who would be viewed as different to the local boys. Or should she insist, despite Seth’s concerns and negative feelings, and risk that he might feel rejected or ignored in his authority as husband and father in the marriage.

Clearly this is just one example of awkward issues that might need resolving somehow. There are thousands of culturally sensitive questions of life that come up when we cross international, tribal, cultural and religious boundaries. It doesn’t mean we should not cross the boundaries, just that we should take along our persistent willingness to adapt and change as we go; and never ever stop talking and discussing. Trying to understand each other and each new situation that we find ourselves in is not automatically the solution, but is the path to an answer.

We never know when a new issue is going to arise. The question of background becomes more and more complicated these days, in our world where boundaries and clear definitions are no longer so precise. A world where it is more and more common for one’s neighbour to have an ethnicity widely different from ourselves, irrespective of whether or not our passports display different nationalities.

Even when the cultural norms of a second country have been assimilated, it is then possible for culture shock to set in when returning to your own (first) country. That can be a surprise to the person who is a cultural returnee, but even more of a shock to the spouse who never expected their mate to find their own home country unacceptable. There’s more about returning home in chapters twenty one and twenty two.

Hari and Carrie were at Mission Training College in Scotland. He was Indian and had lived out of India, in the UK, as an NRI (Non Resident Indian) for a number of years. Carrie was Canadian. They had married last year and did not have any children. Having completed their training, they awaited their assignment.

Hari and Carrie had quite strong ethical beliefs on the structure and operation of the local church and so had been picked out by an Indian Bishop as being particularly suitable for an assignment in his Diocese which was experiencing the need for some organisational reconstruction. Hari was a thinker and planner, a manager and project leader in his previous work; Carrie was an executive in Human Resources; so understandably the Bishop was enthusiastic for an early start to the reorganisation plan.

Hari and Carrie went out to India, undertook the professional challenges offered by the Diocesan reconstruction, but also served the local church well. One Sunday Hari became suspicious about the amount of money recorded in the weekly collection. It was unusually low. He kept an eye on it and over some weeks noticed that it was always lower on a Sunday when a certain official was on counting duty in the treasurer’s office.

Hari discussed this with the church treasurer who seemed very unconcerned about it. Hari pressed the issue harder and it was explained to him, informally on proviso that it should not to be discussed with Carrie for she, being Canadian, “wouldn’t understand!” It was the Indian way; so he said.

It had always been like this; that the church officials would siphon off money from the collection for needs in the parish that were brought to their attention by relatives. A nephew’s schooling had to be paid for, an aunt needed hospital treatment, a grandfather’s funeral expenses remained unpaid. And so the list went on. It was not seen as embezzling because they were genuine and legitimate needs, not theft for greed or luxuries. It was simply reallocation of resources. After all, Christians are always to give when they can...aren’t they?

The fact that in Hari’s eyes, from his acquired cultural perspective from a second country, this amounted to theft, was beside the point. He gained little support from the Bishop who took a pragmatic view of things saying that at least it was now known about and these things can happen everywhere.

Hari could not reconcile it.

Worse still, Carrie could see both sides of the story and could not understand why Hari was so incensed about it when it was an issue from his own, original, culture. Carrie could adapt easier because she had gone to the assignment expecting some shocks and surprises and was prepared to ride with them and work to a better solution. Hari was less flexible and had more set ideas.

Hari wanted to impose his new cultural understandings on his original situation; not sometime soon, but now!

From different backgrounds

In days gone by, maybe it was likely that the ‘girl next door’ was a good bet for a long and satisfying marriage, where both in the partnership already knew everything about each other, what they had done and where they had been. Who they had gone out with at school and what had happened on that holiday to Blackpool; these had long ago been laughed about and forgotten.

Even then, differences in character, viewpoint, education, background, parental attitudes and upbringing still have a habit of making marriage difficult and a potential minefield of misunderstandings to walk through.

Yet, in the second half of the twentieth century and up to the present day it has become less and less common to marry someone from just down the road. This has been partly due to greater freedoms and mobility precipitated by the end of the second world war, and partly by the assumed right to go away from home at eighteen to obtain a university education. Social change in Britain has been fast and surprising. The result has been a more and more extensive mixing of the gene pool with Cornish marrying Welsh, Scots marrying Irish and, (what next?!!) northerners marrying southerners; and in addition, marriage across nationalities and race.

Sandy is from the north of England and I am from the south. Even in these enlightened times some southerners have strange perceptions about northerners; and some northerners reciprocate with equally strange ideas about southerners. Some might even express puzzlement at marrying someone from across that cultural divide.

In our marriage, Sandy and I have encountered all sorts of conflicting issues which one might not expect. But the passage of time has now made them unidentifiable as being due to my / her individual character, or whether they were really to do with the interface between my southern background and her upbringing in the harsher ‘frozen wastes’ of the north.

The matter is further complicated by the fact that Sandy spent large amounts of youthful summer holidays in Somerset (another cultural change) being brought up by her grandmother and grandfather, an opinionated but lovable Yorkshireman (another cultural change). Often it has not only been the words (the vocabulary) that have caused misunderstandings, but how the words were said.

After thirty four very happy years together and with Sandy having steadily become southernised and internationalised, at least in speech, there are still clandestine unseen traces of northerner lurking in the background (and so there should be!); they usually surface in phone conversations with her sister, to the amusement of others around. Words still catch us out sometimes.

For those who are not from a British cultural background; part of the north / south issue may be stereotypically summarised as being about saying things with grace and charm, going all round the subject before you actually get to the point (southern); versus, saying it outright, maybe loudly, maybe harshly, but above all, straight to the point; even bluntly so no one has any doubt what you mean (northern).

Both are effective, both are valid, but it is necessary to know which team Sandy’s playing on, which hat she is wearing, before tackling a delicate or sensitive subject.

Same nationality, widely divergent experiences

Another cultural complication is when your passports say the same nationality, your outward appearance appears to indicate the same race and social background, but the cultural thinking and life experiences differ.

Jim and Kim have now been married more than forty years. Their faith and their stories are an exciting reference to the international life they have led serving the church and people in Pakistan. It was a most challenging calling, to serve the Christian Church of Pakistan as foreigners, through a troubled and needy time.

They are both American by nationality but Jim grew up with his missionary parents at a hospital in India, as it was then, before 1947 when partition of the sub-continent caused so much strife and it divided boundaries, religion and families into India, West Pakistan and East Pakistan...later to change again to India, Pakistan and Bangladesh when the independence of Bangladesh was declared in 1971.

Jim was very well integrated into Indian ways of doing things and later was just as integrated into the new Pakistan. He feels part of the culture; it is in his blood.

Kim went out to Pakistan as a young woman professionally qualified as a nurse and brought up in the United States. She felt called to work in mission hospitals and envisaged going out as a single lady with a nursing career ahead of her. Setting out to live in Pakistan she had a thousand things to adapt to, ways and culture, language and food, etiquette and manners...the ‘Pakistani way.’

On meeting Jim all seemed perfect. He was a man of faith, involved in mission; he was adorable, intelligent and American too! What more could she want? Jim even spoke the local language fluently. Except, there was one mysterious thing to overcome; he did not live the ‘American way’ and she did not live the ‘Pakistani way.’ Their early encounters were an enigma. Yet, Kim thought he was ever so nice even if he did eat curry and rice with his fingers!

One day whilst out walking, spending time together, enjoying each other’s company Kim thought perhaps Jim was shy so took his hand. He recoiled, saying in a loud whisper,

“We don’t do that here. Not in public.”

After getting over the shock of such a rebuke she said,

"Well, I do!"

Kim says she would still say it even after 38 years in the East!

Mishkids and third-culture-kids

Mishkids are the children of missionaries and nearly always have a different world-view to others when they get ‘back home’ to the place their parents call home; but actually it does not feel like home to them. Those ‘at home’ may not even have heard of a mishkid before. It feels like being an alien from outer space. Strange, complicated and no one knows whether or not you really exist. You fly in, and back out again before many people knew you were there.

Mishkids often have difficulties, in later life, identifying where home is and understanding people’s point of view; unless they encounter someone from a similar background, or experience, or from the country where they grew up.

This is quite a common phenomenon and becomes most painful when teenagers or young twenties are sent ‘home’ to complete their education. But to them they are being sent to a totally new location that they do not identify with. They don’t think the same and they find it disturbing when everyone else assumes they know some locally relevant piece of information (sports idol / pop singer / local celebrity / location of the post office), but they do not. They seemingly act as misfits.

Even outside Christian mission, there are those who bravely earn the tag of being third-culture-kids; the secular equivalent of a mishkid. It’s such a recognised status that there are many websites on the topic with youngsters sharing ideas and ideals; networking.

These may be children of development workers, diplomats or military personnel. It is commonplace for them to have parents of differing nationalities.

Third-culture-kid, Gunilla, might have a Swedish father, married to a Finnish mother, both of whom work for a Japanese company, based in China; and then a few years later they all transfer to Nigeria.

Some years later Gunilla conceives and raises a child who does not know where he is really from, certainly as far as feelings go, even if the passport says Sweden on the front cover. Gunilla’s husband is American; they met at the International school in Abuja, Nigeria. He has a Mexican mother and an American father of Italian descent.

Having had her whole education in International schools, Gunilla speaks English (...and American) more fluently than Swedish and Finnish; her friends are from 40 different countries (but she doesn’t give two hoots where they are from anyway) and, even as a child, she learnt that every few years she would have to give up her friends and re-establish new ones in a new school every time her father’s job changed.

This is not fantasy and a fertile imagination. Such a scenario is reality and there are hundreds of thousands of young people out there in such a situation...and they are all looking for a husband or wife, be it from Mongolia, Vanuatu or Peru...but who also does not know where s/he belongs. What cultural backgrounds will impinge on the education and upbringing of their children?

Don’t ask!

Such mixes of world experience are commonplace in the Christian environment too.

These Mishkids and third-culture-kids often do not know where home is; certainly they do not know what ‘home’ is in the terminology of the people who ask innocently,

“Where are you from? Well, what I mean is, where is home?”

What feels like home is the place they normally live; and to them it is home; the refuge from the rest of life; just where it is. It is home even if it does not fit the idealistic view of others.

Where is it then?

“Just down the road in Hong Kong we have a flat, in Kowloon, where Mum and Dad are, where my sisters and I do our homework from school, which actually is near Tsim Sha Tsui railway station. That’s home.

That’s where I feel safe and I breathe a sigh of relief when we get back there after what my parents call ‘home’ leave. But it was actually a long trip to see some boring relatives that I don’t know and some friends Mum and Dad have from back in the dark ages before I was around.

I can’t wait to see my friends who are all about to return here from their parents’ ‘home leave’ where people are so narrow minded and just talk of the weather and taxation.”

No wonder third-culture-kids regard home as being where the suitcases are. And, to them, that’s alright. That’s normality.

Building a relationship, finding a wife or a husband is a tricky business for a third-culture-kid. They are such a complex mix of cultures, emotions and experiences it is difficult for them to find a person who really understands them and what they feel. What they REALLY feel.

For them it is often the most satisfactory thing to promote a relationship with another third-culture-kid. Maybe it will be stormy; maybe it will be uncertain at times due to the strengths of feeling and opinions. But they should never underestimate what each brings to the relationship and what each understands and empathises with; things that would be a mystery to another person. They can support each other in ways that would not otherwise be possible.

Married

An imaginary conversation Sandy might have had with a university friend…

“When we went on our first date I never imagined my new boyfriend would feel called to be a missionary! Neither of us were Christians then and God was as remote as the man in the moon. Who on earth would have believed it? It just proves that you do not know what you are taking on when someone asks you to marry them. You certainly know very little about them.”

When we stand at the front of the church and declare that we will love each other for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and health, to love and to cherish (or words to that effect, depending on your church tradition) we all think that,

“Of course we can.”

“We are in love aren’t we?”

Cynics would say the reality is bound to be different, but they refuse to be led on exactly what the reality is, in case “the wife” hears. Optimists would say that there is always more sunshine than rain and we need the rain to sustain us and appreciate the sunshine. Pessimists might say that it is to be expected that I, of all people, would get an awkward / ugly / cold / boring / demanding / bad wife.

Those who are of an unthinking disposition may just amble through their marriage blindly expecting it to work, without any maintenance, any investment in terms of time, effort, money, love, forgiveness, creativity, romance, dedication, conversation, interests, sharing of ones self, listening and, yes...sex too.

Christians, though not holding the monopoly on wisdom, creativity, honour and dedication in marriage, do nevertheless have the benefit of the best Father in the universe who freely gives us all that we need for a perfect marriage; even the instruction manual to go with it. There isn’t any aspect of marriage and relationships, that I can think of, that is totally absent from the Bible. There’s hardly any aspect of Christian teaching applicable to human individual and community relationships that are not applicable to the intricacies of marriage.

This book makes assumptions throughout that Christian couples are married. The current trend in western post-modern society not to marry, assuming that it is alright and sustainable to live together, is not covered; though many of the issues will still be relevant.

Everything here starts from the premise that Christians will naturally wish to be pursuing their relationship within a legally constituted marriage and that it will usually be within the context of a wedding according to local church traditions. Sometimes each will be synonymous, as for instance in an established official church but there are countries where the official ceremony under law is at one place and a separate wedding for church purposes is at another; and may even be on a different date.

Thus, the marriage is assumed to be consecrated before God, wherever local conditions permit. The Anglican Church’s Alternative Service Book 1980, reflecting what is said in chapter two of Genesis states that “The Scriptures teach us that marriage is a gift of God in creation and a means of His grace, a holy mystery in which man and woman become one flesh. It is God’s purpose that, as husband and wife give themselves to each other in love throughout their lives, they shall be united in that love as Christ is united with his Church.”

So, it is a recurring theme through this book that two become one.

It is not usually suitable or possible to share all interests with your spouse, but your faith as a Christian couple is worth protecting, sharing and nurturing in the context of things done together. It is all part of togetherness.

Much of what follows, particularly in chapters eleven to thirteen about interfaith and cross-cultural environments, starts from accepting the following assumptions.

         There are issues within each of us that affect our marriage.

         There are interactions within our relationship which affect our marriage.

         There are factors from outside our relationship that affect our marriage, or affect the ways we interact within it.

Trust is built, just as a building goes up over months and years, but can be torn down by an earthquake in an instant; and even if a big rebuilding programme is initiated, it will never be the same building. Maybe they will not even try, because it is too tough a task. The re-builders, the construction crew will always wonder when the next earthquake will be. Sandy and I lived through the 2010-2012 Canterbury earthquakes in New Zealand and have seen communities devastated; shattered. The future is full of uncertainty for many. That’s how it is for couples too; who face shattered dreams and loss of trust.

A faithful and stable marriage is a wonderful thing. It is exciting and it certainly is a necessity when setting out on a life of Christian service as a couple. This may sound obvious, but it does explain why selection panels for mission give as much effort in interviewing a spouse as they do for the person who is to be the primary partner in mission. Not everyone appreciates why there are so many questions and verifications made by the panels. Just imagine what a spouse would think in a secular context, being grilled by her husband’s future boss. Clearly harmony and a united approach to life are necessary in mission.

If you were reading a newspaper article about a local couple who are embarking on an Arctic expedition of a thousand miles on foot over the most barren and treacherous land on the planet, through driving snow storms and at the risk of encountering dangerous animals, you might be full of admiration for their courage and tenacity. How exciting! How brave!

Maybe you are a little envious that your spouse is not material for such endeavours? Or you are relieved that he does not feel a calling to minister to the Inuit; you would rather wait for the expedition story to come out in paperback.

But, if the footnote to the article states that,

“They do hope that their marriage counselling sessions and the husband’s therapy for anger management are both completed before they set off,”

...you might think the expedition is a forlorn hope, a venture doomed to failure. It does not strike one as being a recipe for harmonious and victorious success. If you are particularly motivated you might even consider writing to them, urging them to think again!

So it is in mission, if you are not thoroughly enjoying a faithful and stable marriage well used to surviving the knocks and bashes of everyday life, and a surprise or two...now is the time to sort out this area of life, while you are still on familiar ground, in your natural home culture and where there are friends and family around you.

Don’t think...

“The change will do us good.”

Or, though we fight every day...

“It is because we are bored...”

“It is because we are not presently following the Lord’s will...”

“I am stressed with my job, and that makes me irritable.”

“My husband has become so boring; I want to be around people with more get-up-and-go.”

“Our marriage would be so much more romantic waking up in the tropics every day, with palm trees swaying to and fro outside the window.”

...Or whatever other reason you can come up with.

None of these are a satisfactory way forward in a Christian marriage. Even fewer are reasons to be embarking on Christian mission, or any other assignment in other cultures and faiths. If you have problems now, they will go with you; guaranteed. The only difference is that the problems will be magnified, become more frequent, more diverse, more complicated and more corrosive to your relationship and possibly to your faith in God.

Even those who are enjoying a good and stable married life may find that the experience of being a “fish out of water” may make all sorts of unsuspected areas of your marriage come under the spotlight...with a big magnifying glass too! I might even say that it is almost certain that the stresses of the international relocation and cross-cultural and interfaith living will definitely bring something to the surface that you did not even know was there.

That is why you are reading this book; to prepare yourself.

The cynic, or the person advocating non-marriage, living as someone’s “partner” may well ask why we should get married, because so many fall by the wayside anyway. Yes marriages do fail, casual relationships fail, and partnerships fail. We all fail in one way or the other; that is the nature of sin in our lives and we always have the possibility for forgiveness.

But, we both have the possibility to each resolve to make our marriage work, to put in sufficient effort. It is in that context that we move forward to the next chapter of our lives. Like the story at the start of this section, who knows what adventures and challenges the next few years will hold for us? I thank God that Sandy, my wife and best friend, will be there to help me through it.

Marriage reviews

Challenged by the last section? Thinking that you are alright, but your wife could do with sorting out a bit, before you can take her on such a chance of a lifetime?

WRONG!

If even one of a couple is thinking this about the other, it is very likely that both of you need some help with reviewing your marriage. It would be rare for one to be a perfect husband or wife with no shortcomings, irritating peculiarities or quirks; a perfect communicator and listener, totally understanding and all wise about the needs and wishes of the other. Oh, and also never late in anticipating the occasional unusual need. Put like that, it is obvious.

We are very fortunate in that there is now a plethora of help available for routine marriage reviews. These are opportunities for both to re-examine the relationship, to listen and to talk, to communicate in a guided and interesting programme of presentations, discussions, peace and quiet. Marriage reviews, sometimes called marriage assessments or marriage refreshments, are not marriage guidance counselling and they do not set out to rectify marriages in crisis. That is reserved for a different process.

Sandy and I went on such a review to Lee Abbey Christian Community in Devon (UK), in 1987 when we had been married 7 years. The course was led by Joyce and David Huggett. The content was excellent, the experience unbelievable and the opportunity for personal and joint growth very rewarding. I can highly recommend the process. Obviously not everyone reading this book can queue up to go to Joyce and David’s weekend retreats, but you can do some research for other such similar courses, making your choice according to cost, location, and reputation of the couple leading.

Don’t feel embarrassed, attending is not seen as a need to redress failure. Even good marriages can become much better.

One thing we liked about our course was that there was no compulsion to divulge anything to anyone outside the marriage; no group discussion sessions, no prying ears, no gossip and no awkward silences. But there was an assumption that all couples were willing to engage in significant discussions privately with their spouse.  There was lots of humour and fun, interspersed with touching moments of healing tearfulness.

Three years later, at Scargill House Christian Community in North Yorkshire (sister community with Lee Abbey), I was the Estate Manager, in charge of maintenance.

One week the seminar programme was a marriage review course being led by external course facilitators. Lots of wary, cautious, reticent couples arrived one evening and then a few days later they departed gooey-eyed, hand in hand and smiling from ear to ear. The seminar team had given their best and couples walked out with their marriage at its best. As a maintenance team we had been very busy; we had never attended to so many bed repairs in one week!

Can’t get away to a marriage review weekend? Please do try!

If you really cannot get away to such a course, visit a good and well stocked Christian bookshop (be daring and go together...). There are many books on marriage, probably on a shelf near this one. Look for a book that is quite broad ranging and does not only address your perceived needs. You may have unseen needs beyond your expectations and perceptions.

I said go together for a reason. Don’t pick a book thinking it will be suitable for the other; it is very likely that you personally have need of all sorts of advice that you do not realise...yet.

Browsing the bookshelves and thinking the following will not get anyone off to a good start.

“He ought to read this. That will make him change his opinionated attitudes!” or

“Now there’s a good book for her. She needs to change her ideas at bedtime!”

The point is to start the process as you mean to go on. Go together (willingly); choose together (thoughtfully) and decide with grace. If you cannot decide, get two books. But, go through them both together.

Set aside enough time to discuss them as you go along. There is time. Make time. Switch the TV off earlier, cancel one or two mid-week church meetings for a while, take the dog for a longer walk than usual and discuss along the way, or while the dog sleeps it off! Give the children to grandparents or best friends for a weekend and go away...or snuggle up at home. Switch off the phone; and, yes, switch off the mobile phone too.

Don’t say, “Ah but I can’t because...”

Be decisive and do it! Just because you take steps to a better marriage does not tell everyone else that you think the present one is bad. It just means you are committed to making this one the best it can be. Be an example to your kids, teenagers, and grown up young men and women of the next generation. Let them see you strongly value your marriage, rather than just letting it rumble and roll along.

Likewise, just because your gas central heating system at home is in need of a full service, with flue cleaning, new burners and an electrical ignition check, does not mean you think it is dangerous. It just means you want it to be at its best, lasting a long time and purring along safely even when it is very cold outside.

What better example can a father give to a son, than for it to be obvious that Dad thinks Mum is gorgeous; and he honours her for that by being totally supportive all the time, in what she says and does; in everything. What better example can a mother give to a daughter than to make it perfectly clear that Dad is the head of the house and that this is no disadvantage to her because he always honours his position under God; and actually he’s the kindest guy she could hope to meet?

There is a very simple exercise that you can do to make a move towards reviewing where you are with your marriage, your understanding of each other and knowing where you are going. Going together; you are a couple travelling in faith and culture.

The details are in chapter seven.

Chapter 3 What makes a wedding?

When arranging or conducting a wedding cross-culturally a number of problems or misunderstandings might occur.

What is important to you might not be important to me....or the relatives.

What is important in one country might not be considered in another.

When marrying cross-culturally, wedding arrangements might not be what you expected. Perhaps this is your wedding, or maybe your mishkid’s wedding; you have been living internationally for years and now it is time for grown up children to marry. Perhaps they are marrying into a family of different religion or culture. In these days of open international boundaries it is increasingly common for this to be the case.

You may find that a church wedding with the registered Pastor or Minister is in itself a legal wedding. That is, that the Pastor and the church are both registered as legal components of the marriage. Such a situation exists in the Anglican Church and the Roman Catholic Church in the UK. However, it can also happen that the church Pastor of an independent church may not be a listed Registrar of Marriages. Furthermore, maybe the location is not an authorised place of marriage. In such cases it is commonplace for Christians to register a civil marriage with the local authorities (for the legal union) followed by a church service for the Christian union. For scheduling purposes it might happen that there is a delay of several days between one event and the other.

In some countries, no church is authorised to conduct a legally binding marriage service and so the last scenario is the normal practice.

To avoid too many surprises on the day, a lot of discussion is needed beforehand. It would be wise to include close family too; though, there can be some dangers in this as everyone might want their way and the arrangements become impossibly complex. It is important to filter the opinions by understanding all of the following,

What are the things that are vital to have included in the wedding?

Which things are important, but not essential?

Which details are optional?

Start by establishing a baseline of understanding that cross-cultural issues are important, and are a reality in today’s world. It is certainly not yet universally understood that cultures are different everywhere, and what seems enjoyably normal here, may be a surprising anathema elsewhere. Not everyone realises this. There are millions of people, particularly those who have not travelled extensively, who think that ‘the way we do it here is the only way to do it.’ That applies to all areas of life, not just to weddings.

Marriage; the order of things

The nature of weddings worldwide would be an enormous topic in itself and is worthy of its own book. Here are just a few examples to illustrate the differences that might come up in cross cultural weddings.

In some countries it would be normal to send out wedding invitations merely as an announcement and a request to attend. In some countries it would be expected that everyone who receives an invitation is seriously being invited as an inner-circle friend or relative. In a number of Asian countries it is common to send out hundreds of invitations, literally hundreds, to all and sundry, even tenuous contacts. The more the merrier in fact. It is not just a matter for the rich; it is also normal in less well-off families to send out a lot of invitations. Weddings can, and often do, break the bank. It is not expected that everyone will come and only a percentage might turn up on the day. But everyone has to be invited. Near and far relatives and their families, neighbours in the street, colleagues, and friends-of-friends: everyone with any social contact will be invited. And, for those living cross culturally as expatriates, don’t be surprised to receive an invitation just because you are a foreigner. Rules of hospitality and the feelings of personal kudos by having foreign guests is a powerful draw on having you there!

In some cultures, particularly in South East Asia, it is normal to have the couple dress up in wedding garb before the wedding, have a big photo-shoot in a local park or other significant place and when the photos have been produced they will be sent out with the invitations. This would be thought of as very unusual in traditional UK society where the wedding photos are only taken after the marriage ceremony.

It is not only how the couple are cemented together that’s important. It’s the getting them there that is of supreme interest in many cultures. An Indian colleague commented on the issue of arranged marriages and the potential advantages of this system over the western way. Though he recognised that nothing is perfect, he reflected that actually there is no difference between the essentials of a South Asian wedding and a western wedding; it is just the order of things that is different.

In the West the modern trend is for a couple to meet, swap names and phone numbers, court, fall in love, sleep together, live together, get married (optional / sometimes). Or a variation is to meet, sleep together, sap names and phone numbers, get to know each other, fall in love, live together, get married (optional / sometimes). Or again, more traditionally and in Christian circles, meet and swap names and phone numbers, get to know each other, court, fall in love, engage, marry, live and sleep together.

Whereas, so I am told, in traditional Indian society, particularly in relation to arranged marriages, the order of things is that parents seek far and wide to negotiate for a spouse deemed to be suitable for their son / daughter, from a good family and background. The couple meet (maybe very briefly on the day before the wedding, maybe over a longer term), their opinion may or may not be asked, they marry, sleep together, live together, get to know each other, and finally they fall in love.

My Indian colleague commented that it is no different to the Western way except that it’s all done in a different order!

By no means are these the only differences, but they do illustrate the need to be alert that nothing can be taken for granted. All have the potential to work well or fail. The order and procedures are often assumed to be fixed and unmovable.

There is a particular category of differences that will also arise; those things that are nothing to do with the legal requirements or the spiritual needs of the ceremony, but are based on tradition, folklore or superstition. Some people like to include these factors; others prefer to do away with them

Tradition, folklore and superstition

Earlier I referred to having the wedding photos before the event and that this would be unthinkable according to British tradition. The reason is partly because there is a prevailing opinion amongst some that, for the groom to see the bride’s wedding dress before the wedding ceremony, is bad luck. Such concepts of bad luck have no place in the thinking of many Christians; yet not all would agree. People like to adhere to traditions, but it does not necessarily mean they seriously think bad luck will come if they do not conform.

Today we see weddings of all sorts, in many strange places and according to any style one might imagine. In some countries a wedding is still seen as a traditional and solemn occasion. In others it is seen by a new generation of wealthier, relaxed and adventurous types as an event for celebration (which it is) and even an exuberant or wacky party. Weddings on tropical beaches, under the ocean in scuba diving gear, on parachute free falls, or in any place or circumstances imaginable.

Weddings are seen by some to be an occasion to show off wealth and advantage, by others as a quiet time of reflection with only a small number of private guests. Some have every symbolic effect, attire, and visualisation. Some are plainly just plain and unostentatious. Weddings can also be the only event in a couple’s life when the focus is truly on them and they can indulge themselves in their treasured heritage

When Sandy and I were married our Christian faith was blossoming, but not what it became about a year later. According to British wedding traditions at that time we had to ensure that someone would present the bride with a symbolic horseshoe as an indicator of future good luck. I couldn’t see the point of that but it would have been important to relatives attending. I was not allowed to see the wedding dress before the event, nor was I allowed to know what it looked like. My mother in law saw to that! I was not permitted to see Sandy after midnight on the eve of the wedding, until her stately arrival in church.

At the start of the wedding service I was under strict instructions, despite my protestations to the contrary, not to turn round and see my beautiful bride walk up the church aisle to be beside me. I had to stay facing forwards with my back to her till she arrived at my side! All, so I was told, marked out by British tradition as indicators of inviting bad luck. They were important to Sandy at the time; so we went with it. I am sure a repeat performance today would be different in very many ways.

Time passes and many of today’s generation, particularly of believing Christians, would reject all this as old fashioned hocus-pocus. But that is how it was then, and maybe still is in some places today; perhaps even more so. If that is how it was in just one (modest and moderate) wedding in one country, how many issues might be out there which will certainly surprise and astonish the mission worker who lives and travels internationally?

Imagine what things of family and cultural protocol might have to be observed if you go to someone else’s wedding as a guest, in another country, in another culture and maybe one or both of the couple are of a different religion to you. What things of local etiquette might you unwittingly contravene?

To overcome surprise or irritation at some of these peculiarities it is necessary for there to be open minded clear thinking and discussion beforehand, to decide what features of a wedding are wanted, and which are not, by both. Which features have an essential religious meaning, and which are an essential of the Christian faith?

If something originates from tradition or culture, is it helpful, neutral, or not helpful in the Christian context? What is crucial, what is cultural and wanted, what is cultural and not wanted, what differs from expectations but doesn’t actually matter, what is superstitious and supposedly magical and has no part in a Christian wedding?

There is more to consider in a wedding than one might think!

Chapter 4 Anticipating setting out

Go together, have a lot of fun exploring life together, live according to your calling, but do not live someone else’s dream.

Don’t go just because your husband or wife ‘wants’ to, without consideration of spouse, or just to emulate what your parents did, or any other non God-reason. Involvement in mission is not hereditary. However, someone having grown up in a mission situation might actually feel such an affinity for the people there, such motivation for the work that they do indeed feel totally committed and motivated to continue into their adulthood.

Who can say whether this is a calling or personal choice? Following father’s / mother’s vocation is possibly valid; but not automatic.

In such situations it is good to consider being involved in a different work focus, a different place, a different ministry than you grew up in; otherwise there’s a danger of just following in previously trodden footsteps and doing the same things, but differently. What is even worse is doing more of the same with nothing new. Just living and working in the past with no progress.

Another ministry in another location may well be a better consideration especially when accompanied by a spouse who did not grow up in the original place. There are just too many things which are pertinent to one and not the other. Living in another’s shadow is nearly always difficult for the one who always has to listen to the “I remember when...” stories.

It is much more fulfilling to your work, more satisfying to your relationship, for both of you to cut new ground together, as a couple.

Discerning a call

Just who is it that feels a call to mission?

Is it individuals, is it couples, is it learned people, professionals, manual workers, long-standing Christians with years of mature faith, or new Christians with shaky hands, lifetime Christians, converts from other religions, introverts, extroverts, holy pious people, good people, nice people, rough people, people with a sinful past, people with a sinful future, with a positive outlook, with a negative outlook, young people, old people, people who seek God’s will or those who are taken by surprise?

Yes; all of the above and more. There are numerous examples in the Bible.

You will never know when a call, a feeling of vocation, is going to happen, till it does. You can be sure that some will be enthusiastic about it and some will feel, not without some desperation,

“God, please tell me why this is this happening to me? I’ve just got my life sorted out and on the right track at last...and I do need to do this first, or that, or something else.”

Some friends, relatives and colleagues will be enthusiastic, some quizzical, some will say it’s a daft idea and you need to pull yourself together. Some relatives will like the idea so much they are already planning their first trip out to see you, some will be devastated and full of opposition. Some may even say that feeling a call by God is a “cop-out” and that it is really your own idea. Or that it’s only mad people who think God is speaking to them.

And what if the originator of the negative opinion is your spouse? Or perhaps it’s your mother or father?

When Geoff first felt the prompting and prodding finger of God to be involved in mission, he had only been a Christian and married about two years. It seemed such a crazy idea that he felt hesitant to discuss it with Steph, especially as he had no idea what he was feeling called to do, or where and how they should do it.

What would Steph think? How would she view the prospect of moving to some far flung place? And would she think Geoff had gone crazy, giving up a nice ‘safe’ career in the city?

Geoff determined to speak about it to a Christian work colleague over lunch. Encouraged by his response, it was only later that he chatted to Steph; she was as calm as a millpond, just saying that if it was real, God would steadily reveal it in due time. Perhaps that was a polite way of saying that if she left the subject for a while, it would dissipate and go away!

It didn’t...

Don’t be diverted...follow the vision.

There will be all sorts of obstacles in the way, various objections will arise, doubts will set in and it is important to follow each issue through. Testing a calling is not usually a simple yes / no answer. The central theme to the decision making is asking the question, what has this to do with your relationship to God as a couple?

People who are on their own may address the issues and objections in a different way, but in the context of this book we are exploring the relational issues of the couple. In identifying our individual feelings of call and our joint actions in response, it is important to recognise that no two people feel or express their call in the same way.

Even after Geoff had discussed his feeling of call with Steph, things were no clearer. Steph could easily see that this might be the right thing to do, but she herself did not feel any such sense of call. Yes, it sounded a nice thing to do, but was it ‘nice’ enough to make such a leap of faith and commitment? Was God calling Geoff without her? Was something awry with Geoff’s perception of call? Was Steph’s faith so deficient that she just could not see what was so plainly being seen by Geoff?

It is vital to seek answers from God in such circumstances; and very useful to understand the response. Try reading relevant passages from the Bible, praying about it both actively and resting quietly in God’s presence contemplating the issues and seeking his guidance.

But also seek the human touch too. Identify someone at your church who is considered wise and experienced in Christian ways. Chat it through, ask them to pray about it. Meet again after some time to allow them time to discern what is going on. One thing is for sure; if it appears that the feeling of call for one of a couple is genuine, there will be evidence of it all being right for the other half of the marriage relationship too.

I believe that God never genuinely calls a husband or wife without it also being the best for his / her spouse too. Or best for the children, if there are any. I would suggest that God’s heart for marriage, for the family, is such that it is inconsistent with promoting a calling for one spouse and precipitating a disaster for the other.

In due time Geoff’s feeling and perception of call became stronger and all the pieces started to fall into place; but Steph was concerned. She wanted the best for Geoff and could see that this was a great opportunity, and would be most fulfilling for him. But, she did not feel the call to overseas mission herself. Discussion with a mission careers advisor helped her see the way forward.

“What do you feel called to in life? What do you believe is your work and action that God prompts you to do?” a trusted Christian friend asked of Steph.

She had never been asked quite like that before. It was a challenge to reply.

“Well, I do feel that I must do my utmost to be a good wife to Geoff, a wonderful mother to the children and a great support to our marriage. That’s where my focus lies. I would do that wherever Geoff was. My love for him would be the same whether we are in this country or out in the jungle somewhere!”

“That’s your answer then! God is not specifically calling you to mission, but he is calling you to be an excellent Christian wife and mother wherever that may take you. Maybe one day you will feel a calling yourself and Geoff will not see it, but is happy to accompany you and support your work.”

And so it was. Despite setbacks, nutty comments from colleagues, questioning from friends, accusations from relatives, and much affirmation from God through circumstances, Bible reading, prayer and discussion, it all went ahead.

Geoff and Steph went, and never looked back, never regretted it, but thanked God every day for their complicated life experience of cultural changes, interaction with people of other faiths, and God’s graceful hand resting on their lives together.

Strangely, in this case, Steph did experience God’s call much later in life, in older years, and Geoff was the one to uproot and follow, providing support and encouragement in the background.

It does not always work out so quickly, amicably and smoothly. It may take quite some time for an uncertain  spouse to pluck up courage to follow God so closely, particularly if they are less motivated, having not experienced the call themselves. A hundred questions may cloud the issue.

What about the children’s health and education? What about the grandparents who will not see the children so often? What about my role out there; what would I be doing? What about the dangers from internal security and from accidents (and poor medical facilities) or illnesses?

Needless to say, these issues are bad enough to cope with for committed Christians. But for a new Christian who is still searching, or whose faith is not advancing as fast and vibrantly as the spouse’s is, it can indicate a serious need to put the brakes on until both of a couple are both strong in faith and purpose, enough to see it through.

Action and planning

Get on with it, with no procrastinating! But that does not mean that everything will happen immediately. God’s way is often yes, but not yet. Be prepared for delays as God’s timing is perfect and you may well have to be prepared, be trained, be packed (either literally or metaphorically) and still be waiting. Waiting for what?

Waiting for God to set the agenda in motion? In the history of millennia since creation, is a three month wait for a visa approval going to upset the balance of the world? I doubt it.

We had a great time going through mission training, but near the end of it there was nothing other than a few ideas of where He intended us to go. Steadily it was resolved and a decision was made for Afghanistan. Yet something as simple as the issuing of the visas for Afghanistan was the stumbling block we had to face. We had to learn that a visa or two is not going to be the thing that trips God up. If the call is real, the going will be real too.

In our case, that delay did provide some very valuable extra time together, some extra growing months for our two children and even some valuable experience for us as we served in our local church. I suppose God knew the details and had factored them into the plan; the all in one package deal!

The delay consisted of a six month wait for an Afghan work-permit and entry visa; a wait that seemed interminable and fated to fail at the last post. On getting to the Afghan Embassy for the visas to be stamped into our passports, the rubber stamp and inkpad were totally dry and there was no spare ink available. The kind man there took it as normality and saved the day by pouring long-stewed cold black tea from his teapot into the inkpad. A little pummelling with the rubber stamp and it was soon able to make an impression. God does have a sense of humour; we must be the only missionaries to have a visa stamped in our passports with tea tannin!

As the change of circumstances impacts your lives, finances, home, job, environment and climate, the available facilities and communications will all become different. Make a list (or several lists) of things that need doing in order to manage your change in life and direction. These lists themselves might need managing too, into categories or degrees of urgency.

Beware, again, that if your spouse is of significantly different culture or character, you may well have very different ideas about what should be done, and what should be on the lists. It is only by having lists that you can accurately discuss and establish which things have been forgotten, set aside as unimportant, or are duplicated.

Include all the big things or vital issues, but also include all the small trivia which will make the transition more manageable and enjoyable. Don’t forget to include the mundane too. In due time, the mundane will seem vitally important when viewed from your new environment. Even if mundane is boring for you, your spouse may be thankful for those seemingly insignificant reminders of home.

Plot these out onto a chart, or keep a detailed list of tasks in a diary. For those used to the business world, or management of major projects, consider using a Gantt chart on your computer, or indeed drawn with a pen on lined paper. This invaluable tool for plotting time-periods against tasks, expected inception, progress and completion is not only helpful in the work context, but is very handy in planning domestic / home activities too.

It is not until you start listing the tasks that lay ahead of you that you start to realise the magnitude of the overall manoeuvrings that need to be accomplished. Be prepared to add or delete items, or sections, as the need arises. You may well find that whole new topics come to light, things that you had not even thought of before.

For instance, if the place you are going to has very poor supplies of anything, you might wish to buy several months of children’s shoes if you are particular about a good fit for young feet. Trying to guess how fast the kids will grow is a challenge in itself.

Or maybe certain trusted medicines or particular brands of pharmaceutical products are not available there; children’s medicines or contraceptives perhaps. You might have to buy a lot in advance. Prior to going to Kabul we went to Boots (the Chemists / Pharmacy) to purchase a lot of a certain brand of tampon. I walked up to the cash desk with ten or more boxes, each of 30. The lady cashier grinned at my embarrassment and said,

“Expecting trouble dear?”

All I could manage was a simpering grin.

The list of jobs to do is endless and is very much determined by factors in your own life, your preferences, issues about the place where you are going and any number of situational needs. It is not appropriate to provide a list here of dos and don’ts. It would be frighteningly long and is liable to put people off the whole venture! And in any case, the list needs to be yours (as a couple), and yours alone.

Start by making a list of every area of your individual lives, your joint life as a couple and your children’s lives. Then sub list all the things that are going to change, what will need organising to manage that change, and what category of things are totally unknown presently, but will have to be found out in due time.

There may be some things that you can delegate to willing and sympathetic friends and relatives; but some things are better done yourself. We arranged nearly everything ourselves; it was easier to manage that way and we knew that it was only us to blame if it all went wrong.

Of course, due to character differences, maybe the thought of so many lists and organisational tools will shock or scare you. Though it is hard for me (as an inveterate list maker) to advise this, maybe it’s best for you and your spouse just to muddle through in a cloud of disorganised chaos? Now there’s a scary thought!

Training and orientation

I thoroughly recommend going away on a training course, or at least a retreat, before you venture out to live in the anticipated different environment. Not everything can be anticipated, but a sound introduction and orientation to cultural, practical and faith issues will be invaluable for anyone other than the highly experienced.

Many training courses for international workers last between three months and a year. They are invaluable, but not just for what you will learn in the teaching and lectures, but also for the things you will learn about relationships. The period away from your previous job creates an island; space for discussion and thinking; a preparatory time to consider the meaning of the future assignment that lies before you both. It also provides time for the two of you to refocus your lives on each other and to steer your intended path as a couple and maybe as a family, or future family.

Some imagine that Mission Training College is all about Biblical studies and learning to be holy. Maybe it is; but it is also about cultural change and adaptation, seeing a different side to life and learning to live as part of community and grow within it. Leaning to serve, and learning to be a functioning family unit, or a functioning person in a world of change.

It is not always the big changes that cause the most hassle either. The smallest things, like a spec of grit in a shoe, can be a dreadful irritation. That irritation might be felt by one spouse with the other being oblivious; or by both spouses and both feeling destabilised by the event. It can also be that one becomes irritated by an issue and the spouse cannot understand what all the fuss is about and so becomes irritated with the other, for being irritated! Irritation can become a tangled web.

On our Training in Mission course we had a few newspapers supplied daily by the college, and left available in the students’ common room. The regulation was that they had to be read there, not be taken away. It is unbelievable what level of strife they caused as people wanted to take the newspapers away from the common room to read at home. Some students found that such small points of discomfort and inconvenience (not being able to read it exactly when wanted; or conversely getting to the common room to find the newspaper missing again) overwhelmingly irritating.

Yet those same people went on to work wonders in terrible working and living conditions elsewhere. They obviously learned something from the newspaper routine, and that was in relation to their fellow students. Imagine what they learned from their spouse when there was only one shared bathroom in the student married quarters...instead of the two bathrooms and a spare loo they may have been used to at home. Such small lessons of life are surprisingly easy to transfer to the wider world and the international community.

If it is not possible to attend a course lasting months, at least it is essential to go away for a retreat for a week or so. There are many retreat centres where peace and quiet can be guaranteed; prayer support, guided prayer, and good counsellors might all form part of the plan. For introverts and people of a more contemplative nature this sounds like bliss, for extroverts it may sound grim; but some preparation for mission overseas, even if it is only a short term stint, is really necessary even if it does wrinkle your character-typing in the process.

If you are more outgoing and such an environment sounds too dreadful; maybe you need some other type of structured break away before the bigger cultural changes start; how about just a holiday and lots of fun together while anticipating, praying and planning the future?

A holiday is not completely unspiritual despite what some mission supporters may think. We had had a very tough mid course assignment in an inner city parish, with many unexpected things to deal with. Our senior tutor was pleased to send us away on a refreshing holiday in Spain, to recharge our batteries before encountering the ‘flying bullets of Kabul’, as he gleefully put it.

That provided a really different environment for a few days, and it was bliss.

But, it may not be as simple as that. There is a catch in it. Maybe it is precisely that different experience you need in order to start examining yourself and understanding how you might react in unfamiliar environments. So, those that love peace and quiet might start to learn more of themselves by going on a lively holiday in an exuberant environment; or the flamboyant party-animals among us might learn a lot about themselves by going on a quiet and reflective few days at a hill resort, or a monastery. Now, there’s a challenge for you...

When you get ‘over there’ to your new environment, the pace of life, the ways of doing things will not suit everyone and much adaptation will be needed. Whatever category you fit into right now, your boundaries will be stretched. I am an introvert by underlying nature, but I have learned to be sufficiently outgoing and proactive in work, church and social environments that few realise or believe it. Adaptation is possible, but it usually needs to come in short doses.

Back to the continuing thread of your relationship with your spouse; the most precious thing you have; the most perpetual human aspect of your joint life. Maybe you are struggling overseas with your new work, battling with humidity, sweating in the traffic, palpitating in danger and a plethora of other unfamiliar things. If in addition you lie awake with insomnia induced by the thump-thump-thump racket from the nearby street nightclub that plays the latest West African hits at mega-decibels till the early hours, your relationship will also come under strain.

Keep in mind the issue of listening, agreeing and sympathising, with your spouse expressing, “How terrible it is here.”

And in no time at all,

“It is terrible; everything is unbearable!”

The foregoing training and adaptation is all very well for adults; but what about your children? Unless they are truly exceptional children of a very sensible age and disposition, they will not be able to start adapting culturally till they are actually there.

Talk of potential difficulties may make children unnecessarily fearful. Enthusiastic talk of extensive and unrelenting excitement might prove to be unfounded, leading to disappointment and dejection.

Children often adapt far better than you had ever hoped they would, because they are not so set in their ways; they are often more resilient than we give them credit for. Maybe you will only have to help them through one or two issues once you are there.

The young ones, they too need a retreat before they go...but of a different sort. They will love to look back on a special weekend with grandparents, being pampered and cuddled, or staying with an uncle and aunt for instance. Hand over your children for at least a weekend. What a way to get some privacy for yourselves too.

If you do not feel comfortable about this now, you will certainly find it even more difficult in a foreign land leaving them with, possibly, a helper in your house.  When working overseas there are all sorts of events that you may be invited to and at which attendance by your children may not be appropriate. Even if it is appropriate and possible they might actually prefer to stay on a sleep-over at a friend’s house, even if it is just across the road. What a treat for most children!

God lends us our children for the task of bringing them up, not for eternal ownership. Just because we conceived them does not mean that we own them. Freely letting them go for brief times away at regular intervals in their childhood helps them, and us, adapt to the time when they will eventually go for longer, or for ever.

If these ideas do not work out before you go, for any number of unpredictable but good reasons, book a time to have a break-away once you are there. Just because you have arrived at your assignment, the so-called mission field (ghastly phrase!), does not mean that you should not be continuing to nurture, protect and shape your marriage.

Time together constructing and reconstructing your relationship, (and recognising God’s hand on your lives) is just about the most important thing you can do to ensure enduring integrity in your work together. Have time to yourselves, time together, time with God...or simply a space where you can be yourselves, relax and lie in. Of course there are many other things too, but none of them is possible without time. It is necessary to regularly examine your use of time, but there is more on this topic in the next chapter.

Associated with my work in India, a Bishop was known for giving quality time to people and so used to remove his watch at conferences so he could chat and get alongside people. He was always challenging when he said,

“You folks have the watches, but I have the time.”

Travelling in faith

This section is controversial, but has to be said because finances can strongly affect spouses in different ways. Men and women sometimes have different, or slightly different, views of money and security.

There are two main types of mission financing, and any number of variations in between. As a reader you will agree with some points and be irritated by others. But, then it is up to you to make up your own mind about which one you consider to be the right course of action for your lives.

When missionaries / mission partners are paid a set salary or wage from a central pot of church or mission agency funds, this is sometimes called a common purse. Whatever you call it, it is a set or known amount of money each month, or three months. This money comes from the central pot of funds at the agency’s head office. The effort to raise the money may be made totally by the head office staff, or with help from missionaries on home leave who visit churches or other groups to give motivational talks.

Initially we only had twelve churches to keep in contact with for prayer and fundraising support; then later with a different mission we did not have any. We would be home for a month each year. The fundraising work was done by the home support team and so our leave really was totally holiday.

A number of years after our mission service officially ended I was approached by a pious man at my mother’s funeral. He wanted to talk about our time in mission. Hearing we had been paid a regular allowance, a salary, he stridently announced that we had not really been missionaries then. After all, he announced, missionaries are not paid anything. They have to support themselves!

Secondly, there are mission agencies which many collectively call faith-missions. By that it is indicated that the missionaries live by faith, in anticipation of receiving their income. They undertake substantial speaking assignments at churches and other Christian groups, raising support before they go. Income has to be raised on each home leave too. Sufficient income is not always forthcoming and money can be short. God is seen to provide in a number of ways not always linked to cash.

Home leave for some missionaries is when they can recharge their personal or marriage-batteries. For others it is not so straightforward and the mission mode of work remains the same, potentially being at everyone’s beck and call, often on multiple speaking assignments to raise funds.

The missions which call themselves ‘faith-missions,’ usually mean your faith, not theirs. If they were a truly faith-mission through and through, they too, as an organisation, would have the faith to commit to an agreed amount of money to be sent out each month. That is called taking responsibility for those you support. It is simply not fair for anyone to send a missionary and not be committed to their support; support in its various forms.

It was in Kenya that we first discovered the concept of having one year’s home leave for every four years worked. A great idea; so I thought. A number of mission agencies, but particularly those from the USA, adopt such a scheme. It is considered a great benefit in comparison with the more ancient system of one year home for every seven away!

But, it involves major disruption to family life, children having to change schools for a year, settling into their so-called ‘home country.’ There are other major disadvantages too. I found out about the massive amount of work missionaries have to do when they go on home leave for one year. Actually it is not one year’s leave, it is just a change of location and duties for that time.

Many missionaries spend the whole leave-year driving thousands of miles to church meetings motivating the faithful to remain faithful, to support their work and them personally. I found out that it is not unusual to have to speak at three to four hundred church meetings in one year.

In reality that means that one of the couple has to stay at ‘home’, the temporary home, with the children so they can attend school. The other half travels unrelentingly to visit these three or four hundred churches. On top of that they need to squeeze in meetings at mission headquarters, medical checks and treatment, holiday and refreshment, a conference or training event or two, and visit relatives.

Oh yes, this is a book about marriage. Can they find time for a bit of marriage revitalising, some long and deep conversations, some romance and some private time to perk up their private lives? How about time for a marriage refreshment seminar? For some mission agencies, it’s doubtful that this can be set very high on the list of priorities.

An additional problem is that if the agency’s overall income is short, your pay is also short and there are innumerable examples of people who have been financially stretched to make ends meet. They might never know how much is coming in from one month to the next. There are those who suffer great anxiety every month, sapping their energy for mission.

To be fair, there are thousands of missionaries out there who do learn a lot “living by faith” and are even quite defensive about it. But, allow me to pose two points;

There are many ways to demonstrate living by faith.

For you it might be concerning money, or housing, or it might be over some other major issue. Living in a situation of overt danger for instance; that is still living by faith, even if you have enough money in your pocket.

Living by faith may be to do with living a world away from elderly parents, or children at boarding school. It may be living and working through an acute or chronic illness, maybe one that is really uncomfortable for you and it would be easier and more comfortable to be back home. It may be living with or overcoming a phobia of snakes or spiders. There are many ways to demonstrate living by faith.

Your ‘living by faith’ might be a different experience than that experienced by your spouse. For you as a couple, living by faith might be a different experience to another mission couple’s experience. We may have to demonstrate our faith in different ways, not just connected with money.

We went through a period when we were seeking our next overseas assignment, seeking God’s will for our lives and so we contacted very many mission organisations. Several of them offered me jobs in profusion, at all sorts of locations, without any particular assessment of suitability or testing of God’s calling. All sorts of posts were suggested...but, with righteous smile,

“Oh no, Peter we do not pay a salary, we are a faith-mission you see. You have to go out and raise your own support.”

This is a contentious issue and has undoubtedly raised the blood pressure of a number of people reading about it.

I recommend you yourselves look into the different ways of remunerating and looking after the lives of missionaries and Mishkids. Pray about it and decide which method is best for the two of you so that when and if the going gets tough, it was a joint decision that you can live and work through yourselves, in your own way.

Working in mission cross-culturally and interfaith can be tough, very tough, with almost any type of stress that you could imagine, and also those you cannot imagine. All those stressors can and often will put a strain on a marriage and there are a number of marriages we have known that have either been broken, or have been nearly broken in the process.

There will be disagreements on which issues are tough and which are not; differing perceptions of what are pressures and priorities. The more you can prepare in advance and constantly as you go along, the better and more harmonious your relationship should be. Much, but not all of it, is in your hands.

A cautionary note: there is a danger in a book such as this, that you could receive the impression that all is doom and gloom, trouble and strife in mission. In getting couples to sensibly anticipate adaptation, newcomers to mission might assume it’s all too difficult to overcome. On the contrary, neither Sandy nor I would choose a different life if we had the chance to live again. It has been just brilliant! (punctuated with many challenging times).

Chapter 5 Planning and time.

Have a plan

If you were setting out on an expedition into unknown territory, you would not set out without a plan, a map and compass, communications equipment, food and medical supplies, an escape route and all the back-up that is necessary. So it is with mission and with marriage

Marriage is like a long expedition with all the highs and lows, exhaustion and sometimes getting lost. It is best to be constantly discussing and reshaping the plan so that you both know where you are going and can make the readjustments necessary. Both of you consistently knowing the way forward, seeing the dangers before they descend upon you, planning for the exhilarating times, and setting aside rejuvenating rest and relaxation is vital to your enjoying, knowing and understanding your shared goals.

Whatever you are planning, is there still room for God’s plan? Or did He, and His plan, get lost somewhere along the way? Is the plan surrounded by hallmarks of me-me-me; us-us-us; or is it a combination of all three; me-us-and-God?

Have enough time

Marriage takes time. Long lasting marriages take even more time. As courting couples we craved the time to be with each other. We spent every available moment with each other and when we were not together my brain imagined and thought about what Sandy would be doing now.

Ten months before we married Sandy took a teaching job in Bristol about two hundred miles from where I lived. That made time together even more valuable and every weekend involved a long drive to be together. Friday evenings were a frantic time of catching up on all the news, and it did not stop till we dragged ourselves apart again on Sunday afternoon.

Sadly, as time passes and familiarity steps in, many couples do not spend enough time together.

If you were a mountaineer planning the ascent of a major mountain peak for the fiftieth time, you would not allocate substantially less time and care for the ascent then you did for the first few times. There may be some adjustments here and there to make allowances for familiarity or new and better routes, but essentially the time planning would be similar. It is like that with marriage.

When the adrenaline ceases to rush just because she entered the room, the same urgency of driving force might not be there; but being at one with someone makes it vital to see them, be with them, and experience the part of you that has temporarily been detached.

Children, jobs, hobbies, interests, sport, and even church commitments can drive us to spend less and less time with each other. Though it is also true that we do need some time apart, too much lost time together can become lost closeness. Lost closeness can soon degenerate into distance, bodily, mentally and spiritually. But, you can decide to be different!

For years I was travelling regularly (up to one hundred and twenty nights per year) throughout my regional responsibilities covering eight countries of South East Asia and China. We still kept close with phone calls, faxes, and later when they had been invented, emails. When I was in-town, wherever we lived, Nairobi, New Delhi or Bangkok, we made a habit to regularly go out together; somewhere without our boys, without friends, without anyone else; just the two of us. It did not matter where and often involved just sitting and chatting, or sitting in silence but together and available for each other.

Friends of ours, Roy and Joy, told us about some similar experiences that pervaded all the years of their working lives. Both are doctors and they led very busy professional practises, before retirement. They were also central to the local church’s ministry to students and young people. It was not unusual for them to have 20 people round for Sunday lunch after church; more on some weeks. They had three growing teenagers of their own. Yet they relentlessly pursued their marriage, allocating time for and with each other. Being one in marriage meant that when the other was gone, there was something vital missing. Here is their story.

Roy and Joy are two doctors. Life in a big city, for two doctors with three children, was very busy.  Sunday was no exception with the family, church services and entertaining folk to lunch.   However some years ago Roy went to India by himself for six weeks to work at a busy mission hospital on the border with Nepal. It was in a town, but rather off the beaten track, far away from the metropolitan cities.  There he enjoyed a new experience each Sunday.

After the church service he and mission colleagues had coffee in the “Ladies Bungalow.” Those who didn’t have home and family nearby, and who were not on duty, all went off for peace in the countryside for six hours.  A haven of tranquility!

On returning home Roy was interviewed by the local newspaper journalist who asked what he had learnt in India. His answer was “How to relax”!

In discussion with Joy they soon realised that this was just what they needed to survive and thrive, both individually and together in marriage.  How sad to see marriages break up as they drift apart through busyness.

Roy and Joy resolved to take every Tuesday evening “off” to be together and to go away from home to escape from the children (!), the need to do the ironing or read the committee minutes.  In the summer they escaped to the hills and in the winter they went to Joy’s parent’s home to eat their sandwiches whilst the parents baby-sat for them. They avoided concerts and shows etc. as the need was for time to talk.  Of course there were exceptions but it was a marriage-saving principle which has survived, with modifications, into retirement.

Another important experience has been a shared hobby; for Roy and Joy it is bird watching.   Of course there will be things a couple do apart but to share times of relaxation together is another way of keeping the bonds strong, and it’s enjoyable as a bonus.  This also becomes relevant in retirement for two people who have been busy in parallel lives, surviving whilst serving. They may find little in common when the work stops.  Roy and Joy have been grateful for the new opportunity to enjoy their shared hobby together.

Apart from regular professional work, Joy ‘trained’ Roy not to accept any Tuesday evening invitations without consultation!  It was just so easy to say yes to that little extra without thinking through the implications and checking Joy’s diary as well.  The rule was that even when it seemed entirely straight forward the answer was still,

“I will call you back.”

Both Roy and Joy are grateful that on many occasions they worked as a team, especially for their marriage.

Sandy and I can echo many of the sentiments in Roy and Joy’s story. For years we would do the same regarding evening appointments. I would book time with Sandy in my diary. One person thought this to be most unromantic; putting my wife in my work diary; whatever next! But actually they will never know how romantic it actually was; anticipation and commitment are great motivators for romance.

Even my secretary and assistants did not necessarily know the nature of the meeting I had already booked that evening. So, when work contacts, or the church pastor phoned up asking if I could do yet another thing on Wednesday evening, I could openly and transparently say that,

“I already have another appointment in my diary. Sorry, maybe another time.”

Absent from home

Life at home, when I was absent and travelling, was different with Sandy at the helm; it had to go on even without me there. That however leads to another potential marriage difficulty.

There is a need for life to go on, maybe differently, with Mum at the head of the family acting as mother and father, ensuring the children know when Dad is due home, keeping them in contact, trying to be even-handed, maintaining the status quo, and avoiding such phrases as “just you wait till your father gets home!”

The last thing that Dad wants is to find that the children dread his homecoming. Almost whatever Mum does, she cannot win and get it right every time.

Once I came home from a trip, walked into the lounge and one of our sons said,

“What are you doing here?”

Taken aback, I said,

“I live here, hadn’t you noticed?”

Though the wrong response, I realised that he actually meant,

“What are you doing here today? I thought you were due home tomorrow.”

It is an easy mistake to make. Nevertheless, the balance between Mum being in charge, and then handing over to Dad as soon as he is home is similar to the wifely dilemma expressed in the story of Greg and Meg we will meet later in chapter fifteen. Meg was in charge and running things when Greg was away in hospital. She willingly handed over as soon as he was home, but he was least able to cope because of weakness from the illness.

Sometimes on returning from long trips I was so tired I also felt I could hardly cope with a barrage of children’s tales and other issues to resolve (...leaking taps, malfunctioning car, blocked loo...). Despite Sandy’s significant skill with most things practical, inevitably there were tasks left over to sort out and get done before my next trip.

For many couples in this crazy world of expectations to give all to our work, the travel schedule can be the most destructive element.

Mark and Lark lived in Canada and had done for quite a number of years. His travel schedule was not unlike my own but his work, and his enthusiasm, took him away from home more often and for longer periods as he toured the country supervising and pastoring a widespread network of churches. I guess the truth is that he was away from home too much.

He liked his work and he liked the freedom of the open road. He liked his wife too but the open road was less demanding and did not ask questions or criticise.

Lark soon realised that life for her and the children had to go on, come what may, whether Mark was there or not. Being a strong and efficient lady she set about organising everything so that life was smooth week in and week out. In fact she became so organised that she forgot to factor-in Mark for when he was there. He often commented to me, with soulful eyes, that it made no difference whether he was home or not.

Lark descended into her own world and circle of friends, complaining of Mark’s absence and even discussing Mark’s perceived shortcomings with their son, who was still a youngster. Year by year the marriage went by, the travelling became more and more appealing and Mark was away from home more often. The son became reclusive at the stress of trying to bear Mum’s burdens; and at such a young age too.

When Mark did return home, he felt unneeded, unwanted, not consulted and Lark had nothing new to discuss with him. It had all been discussed with their young son.

As is normal for many men away from home, all he wanted on returning was to be eagerly welcomed, to reunite with wife and children, feel valued as part of the family and to take part in some long awaited intimacy, in privacy and tenderness with Lark.

They couldn’t because the whole of life-routine at home had been arranged to revolve around the two children and Lark had been used to letting them sleep in the afternoon so that she could keep them up till late in the evening. She needed company.

Mark sat down to plan his next trip.

Extended absences and voluntary periods apart

Though not always completely controllable, extended periods apart are a bad idea. They should be avoided at all costs. Close marriages, close relationships, and feelings of mutual closeness do not thrive on distance, though I do admit that the old adage that, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” has some truth in it. Perhaps the answer is in exercising moderation.

We would not expect to run a business totally separate from the rest of our team, with few or no phone calls. We would not expect to find that our church pastor is never there on Sundays, or during the week, because he is two thousand kilometres away, for ten months at a time. We would not expect to send children away to boarding school for four years, to meet up again and then find them unchanged.

So it is with marriage. Separation separates and divides and each spouse increasingly goes their own way. Unfortunately due to the pressures on jobs, the need for a career, pressures on family finances and long held beliefs that the “streets of the city are paved with gold” it is common practice worldwide for people to work away from home for extended periods. This is prevalent in China, India, Pakistan and Bangladesh and indeed much of Asia. It affects millions of families all over Africa. Economic migration to escape poverty is as old as humanity. But not all migration is to escape poverty; often it is a choice that a couple make in order to provide two incomes, or it sounds exciting.

People leave home to do a job elsewhere. Maids, cleaners, drivers, building construction workers; even qualified nurses and teachers all go in search of plenty by working away and sending money home. In Africa it is very common for a man to leave home to find work in the city. High hopes and confidence encourage the parting, but the reality when they get to the city is that few jobs exist, the crime rate is higher, the rents are higher, the sickness rate is higher and it is increasingly difficult to send money home. Often they cannot even afford the bus fare to return home.

The truth is that it is a very tough way to live. It is even tougher if you value retaining and promoting the closeness of your marriage.

Richard and Beatrix thought their names to be too formal and so they contracted them to Dixie and Trixie. They are both Christians and had grown up in China where both sets of parents had been teachers for many years. They moved to Kenya for Trixie to take up an appointment at Nairobi University Teaching Hospital where she was to be professor of surgery. Dixie hoped to obtain work in the construction industry as he was a civil engineer. His speciality was bridge construction and dams.

He tried hard to find a suitable job in Kenya, but was unsuccessful. The type of consultancy he preferred to take was not available and in any case there were few bridges of any size being built in Kenya at that time. They had a comfortable living from Trixie’s salary but Dixie felt the need to promote his career too. As had been very common for other families throughout their life in China, they decided to work in different places. After some searching they found that there was an excellent job going in the construction sites of Dubai.

Dixie and Trixie discussed the possibility to work apart for several months per year but didn’t take it seriously that there could be problems. They knew they had a very stable marriage and they planned for Dixie to travel back every four months when he could get some leave. They also chatted with friends at church and in particular one of them strongly advised them not to do it. Trixie was sure that it would work well; she knew Dixie would cope well on his own. He was a very practical chap. He even enjoyed doing the ironing!

When he got to Dubai he found that the building projects were behind schedule and there was severe pressure from his employer to only go on leave every six to seven months. From his Chinese-style upbringing this did not seem very strange at all and he agreed to it.

We lost touch with Dixie and Trixie for a while and when we got back together with Trixie one day at a church lunch we heard the sorry tale of how ‘well’ Dixie had managed in Dubai on his own. He had met another civil engineer that he knew from years ago at a big building project in Shanghai.

Dixie and Pixie had decided to share accommodation and costs, and slowly began to share everything else too. Trixie’s confidence in Dixie crumbled faster than she ever thought possible. Despite being a civil engineer, Dixie failed to manage to build bridges back to Trixie.

Clearly a man’s hormones are in constant danger of overwhelming all other considerations, given due circumstances. And women have hormones too!

Some regular separations may be unavoidable in the context of the job you are doing. Some callings are just not conducive to comfortable and easy living. The conditions are undesirable and we are forced to ask what God has in mind for us to learn through this difficult experience.  Surely God has the overall good of his people in mind when he calls them and sends them?

Though undoubtedly a book of this type will recount a number of trying circumstances, not all is negative. However, not all is positive either and if this book was written with story after story of perfect marriages, I am not sure how much would be learned from it. Certainly a syrupy sweet dialogue of lovely husbands and wives not challenged and not tried, leading supremely victorious marriages, would not be credible enough to stir the next generation of missionaries.

They know that their marriage (at present) is perfect anyway...

But there is one particular and very special couple I would like to tell you about.

Mickey is a German orthopaedic surgeon and is famous for being a great surgical trainer too.  He just has the knack of passing on his knowledge in very effective ways, despite language difficulties with his Nepalese colleagues. Nikkie, his Dutch wife, is a teacher and works in a primary school on the outskirts of Kathmandu not far from where they live. The problem is that Mickey’s surgical training mostly happens at small hospitals in small towns about two hours’ driving away, on poorly constructed roads.

Mickey and Nikkie decided that it would be better and safer for him to stay away mid week and return at weekends. It was during the time when the Marxist guerrillas roamed the countryside and patrolled the roads and were apt to take hostages. Being away from home and so regularly too, was a great strain on family life. Nikkie had rationalised it and was careful to carve out a life for herself midweek, in the church and associated ministries in the capital. She also organised life so that when Mickey came home, he was expected, he was welcome and could take part in everything instantly. The children always knew when papa was due home and would be there to welcome him...even if he was delayed. They sat under the verandah, on the swinging seat, with anticipation.

They all loved him.

The heart-breaking reality of life was the weekly routine of saying goodbye. After the hugs and kisses, they would literally have to prise the children off papa so that he could go off to work again.

After about a year of this trauma, they decided to change the routine and Mickey would come home midweek too, staying Wednesday night at home and departing very early Thursday morning, just as the sun came up over the Himalayas. Kidnappings by the guerrillas were less common then.

The problem was that this new plan just made the emotionally draining departures happen twice per week instead of once. Nikkie and the children were now upset twice as often. Every possible care and precaution to preserve family and married life had been taken and they managed life well.

But it was still a tough assignment.

They are all now back home in Heidelberg and are leading a relatively normal life, whatever that is. The strange thing is that the kids, now almost grown up, look back on their childhood with great affection and even regard those days as being completely normal and wonderful. Mickey and Nikkie did a good job keeping themselves and their family together.

Chapter 6 Communication

Climbing calls

Mountaineers have to communicate well. Life depends on it every minute of every day when climbing. Windy or other bad weather makes it very difficult, but communication still has to happen despite the conditions.

In years gone by I had a climbing partner in the mountaineering club. We were like two peas in a pod and we had climbed together so many times we could almost anticipate each others needs, abilities and the dangers we saw. Nevertheless we used a standard set of climbing calls...they were unambiguous phrases and recognisable abbreviations which communicated the all important message. Even in a storm when words could not be heard we had whistles for a system of whistle blasts and a system of tugs on the ropes as a last resort.

Without that we would have often been in a very unstable situation. Roped together in danger, buddies, we were in a mountaineering sense, one. Not only was one of us in jeopardy, but the other was too. A fall by one, an accident or injury, impinged on the safety of the other.

If he went down I might too, if not tied on correctly. For most people this is obvious.

Yet, many couples, after the first flush of marital enthusiasm, go through life not communicating, not learning the danger signals, not listening out for the ‘climbing calls’ as advance notice of danger.

In the wind and maybe rain too, up in the mountains, one climber listens intently “ears out on stalks” so to speak, for the slightest sign. Some couples, some spouses, never do learn to do that. Some imagine marriage to be an automatic thing that just happens and unfolds before them. No need for climbing calls then?

Communication is active, not passive.

Acquaint yourself with, and be interested in, every corner of your spouse’s life.

Always do your best to send the right signal, even when you are tearing your hair out with frustration that you are not getting through! But, it is not possible to always send the right signal, and even when the right one is being sent, it appears that a different signal is received at the other end. It is like the children’s party game of Chinese Whispers. So be prepared to readjust the signals, without irritation at the apparently malfunctioning antenna that your spouse is using!

Despite the different living conditions, the unusual events surrounding you, the language differences, the chanting from the local temple and the sound of the monsoon rain, you still have to communicate.

Always listen out for ‘incoming messages.’ These might come in when least expected, when the receiving equipment is not switched on or is simply in hibernation mode. Just because the communications receiver is not alert and functioning does not mean that no broadcasts will be made.

Listen for the usual means of communication but also listen for other languages too. The signals may be visual, verbal, in writing or in the more complicated versions of body language and the smallest change in expression, inflection in the voice or other subtle tones.

Do not legalistically rely on dictionaries for definition of what is said. They only provide the barest information on meaning and you might need to interpret meanings liberally! All families, all couples, all spouses have their own pet phrases or words that would say one thing to an outsider and mean something else behind the closed door of family life.

When called upon to listen, don’t just perceive the sounds coming in your direction, but stop what you are doing, make eye contact, maybe make touch contact and listen for the faintest detail of the message. Ask for clarification of the message if at all unclear. There’s nothing worse than knowing you are broadcasting messages to a satellite dish that you can see is broken and you know is not going to receive the message correctly. Most communications technicians would give up on broadcasting the message rather than keep sending it in the forlorn hope of contacting a mind reader.

How does an airline fly, a railway run, a big corporation function without good communications? Does a plane land by itself, isolated from all around it? Does a platoon of soldiers go into battle with full disregard for the radio operator and ability to call in support or helicopters for the wounded?

How does a charity run, or raise funds, without good communication of the messages about the work being undertaken? Without good communication there is no transmission of the message and no satisfying outcome in terms of support from those who donate to the charity’s work. Communication has to be active.

Now for the hard part

For a successful marriage, men need to try and understand women, and women need to try and understand men.

How often do we hear the phrase, in films or real life?

“My wife doesn’t understand me.” Or the other way round, “My husband just does not understand what I need.”

There is a fact of life here. I was at secondary school in the late 60s and early 70s. It was an all-boys school, but that did not mean we did not know about girls, it just meant that we were incarcerated in a bastion of testosterone which speculated about them in vivid detail.

Many of us hardly had a clue how to communicate well with a girl, such a remote being; we had not had the practice. What would you say to a girl anyway? How would you launch out to say what you thought of her? Even those lucky enough to have sisters thought this to be a disadvantage because they just did not think the same way as boys.

But, one day our biology teacher came into the class and stood hopping from foot to foot on the raised podium at the front. He launched forth,

“Some of you may have noticed that there is a difference between boys and girls...” he went on!

We were fifteen. We knew about girls even if they were as remote as aliens.

Apart from the ridiculousness of this situation it hides an important fact and men and women, husbands and wives are just as guilty of it into adulthood. Many men and women do not understand their spouse for who they are, and from a perspective of their past, their childhood, their teens, their maleness and their femaleness.

How often have you seen, heard or been in a group of women sitting in, for instance, the works canteen and they are all swapping stories about how useless their husbands are? Similarly a group of men sitting in a pub and talking about their wives in terms that would not even do justice and kindness to next-door’s cat.

If there is a gripe with your spouse, sort it out at home in the privacy of home, where the best and most suitable solution can be found. Your work colleagues, in a group are unlikely to come up with erudite wisdom. Whatever you are saying, would you want the same said of you? That’s quite a test.

Apart from every person being different, seeing things in different ways, having a  different personality or character, introverted or extroverted, or anything in between; people who love detail, those who love the bigger picture, those who think much and say little and those who say much and think little. Some people plan and some are impulsive; those who are poetic and romantic; those who call a spade a spade and see no point in such philosophical frippery.

Add to that the fact that men and women are biologically different, apart from the obvious anatomical features. God created men and women with different ways of doing the different things they do and so it would not be strange for men and women to see the same issue from differing perspectives.

That is exactly why at one of the editing stages Sandy sat for hours ploughing through this book paragraph by paragraph to spot issues from a different viewpoint, to comment and then for me to edit, enhance and expand what I had already written; to give a broader view.

Men: stop complaining about women! Get over it; they are different! Yes some of them, when in groups are girly and talk too much (in our opinion) but in their view they are sharing, networking, exploring ideas, communicating, sharing details of life which most men just don’t see the need for.

Women: stop complaining about men. Get over it, they are different! Yes some of them when in groups are blokish and are too boorish (in your opinion) but in their view they are not communicating, they are interacting, sparring, jockeying for position, and ...heaven forbid...being careful not to release too much information  that might make them vulnerable!

Before I get sacks of mail about this from irate women saying I am a chauvinist, and sacks of mail from men saying I have let the side down, please let me add something vital.

These two paragraphs are deliberately a massive dose of over simplification and generalisation. We all know men or women who are the opposites of these stereotypes. We all know silent tough women who love doing car repairs and flamboyant chatty men who are hairdressers.

The point is that, again, men and women are different, in personality, ways of doing, ways of learning, and ways of implementing. Let me tell a short story, that is easily translatable husband for wife and wife for husband. It is gender neutral in the point it is making.

Sandy and I have been great communicators ever since our first date (Err, I think so anyway! Ask her what she thinks!). On that date, we sat at the table in a restaurant; I talking as much as possible to impress her even though I am by genetic nature very introvert and she extrovert. She smiled a lot, and gently winked at me occasionally as she spoke.

At first in those early days of shaky hands and raised heart rate when one or other came closer than 25 feet we talked as boyfriend and girlfriend trying to get to know who this new person was. But very soon I knew I was being analysed. She had studied developmental behaviour and all sorts of psychology in her education degree.

I had never heard of such stuff, thinking that people are people, aren’t they? I became interested and we very soon took our discussions onto a different plane. We did not just understand each other as friends, but she understood what I said because I was Peter, and what I said because I view it from a man’s perspective.

Likewise, when I had got it all worked out, and knew what was going on, I too started discussing with Sandy what Sandy’s opinions were, but also understanding the overlay to it all, Sandy expressing herself as a woman.

We have always communicated very well and have even survived some very delicate, sensitive, dangerous and tricky conversations that were full of feeling!

It is the willingness to listen, listen intently, not interrupt, listen to the unseen and unheard vibes of the conversation, watch the body language and communicate. Of course her point of view is a woman’s point of view with concerns of motherhood, caring, career, home, security, friends, menopause and elderly parents. Why would it not be! Though, to be fair, she has spent the last 30 years in a household of men; one husband, three sons and even the two Dalmatian dogs were male. Of course she understands men too.

Obviously my point of view in a man’s point of view, affected by all the pressures of career, providing for family, stress, fatherhood, going bald and searching for meaning in mid-life crisis. All that added to the inevitable driving force of being male in a twenty first century society that wanted man to be more attuned with his feelings, a new-man; but now questions where masculinity went because so many men are happy to do the ironing and cry in public!

Wives; please view your husband as a man and accept that he will normally think and act like a man. He can try to react in a feminine way, but will probably get it wrong.

Husbands; please view your wife as a woman and accept that she will usually think and act like a woman. She can try to react in a masculine way, but will probably get it wrong.

Then add to this the differing nature of spirituality. It would appear from anecdotal evidence that women are more inclined to spiritual involvement, sharing their feelings and seeing the spiritual realms as reality. Look around the average church and one usually finds a dearth of men. Ask almost any single lady who is seeking a Christian boyfriend, to become a husband, and she will confirm the shortage of eligible men in the church.

At our church in Kuala Lumpur we recently, working together with others, started to assemble a prayer ministry team for those who requested prayer after Sunday services. It was a noticeable deficiency that I was the only man on the team. We had to actively seek out men from the congregation to encourage a more manly aspect to prayer. How can we communicate the need for prayer to the average man unless at least a few of the prayer team are men too?

Even good communication can falter due to outside influences. Add a dose or two of culture shock, a bad stomach, an episode of sunburn, a nagging feeling of homesickness, an argument with the house helper, and a disturbed night due to heat, humidity, sleepless children and mosquitoes. Add a dash irritation that your spouse forgot your birthday last week; and irritation that your mother in law did remember but sent the wrong size again...

“Does she still not realise I am now a size 16 since I had three children?”

This is a natural recipe for communication interruptus when the climbing calls are no longer possible and the system of tugs on the rope is ineffective because, just round the corner, it has become snagged on a rocky outcrop. But as a couple, at one in Christ, you still have to be open for communicating when it feels impossible. If you don’t, it is a slippery downward slide to further misunderstanding.

The essence of this light hearted banter is that most couples will enliven their marriage communications and excite their relationship enormously by firmly establishing the view of their spouse as,

a)      Their best friend

b)      Their Christian sister / brother

c)      Their confidante and counsellor

d)      The person they listen to; yes, they really listen to

e)      The person they not only view as their husband / wife , but also as a man / woman created as such by God, in the image of God, and for a reason, a raison d’être.

Chapter 7 Treasure it; remember it

Confusing and contradictory information

When working cross culturally, not only will you see things differently to many of the other people around you, you will probably see events differently to your spouse; even more than usual! This means that one of you may find an event interesting, pleasant, irritating or unmanageable...and the other doesn’t.

More need for good communication.

You each may have perceived the same event very differently. Or you may have seen the event differently than if a similar thing had happened at home in a cosy and familiar environment.

Different cultural contexts will often change the way you view outcomes. This is a vital lesson to learn in order to understand key issues about how we react in unfamiliar circumstances outside our normal environment, when we are dealing with confusing and contradictory incoming information.

In 2008 an interesting film was released; it was called “Vantage Point”. It concerned an assassination plot...but that was not the most interesting thing for me, even though it was a really gripping story. The thing that captivated me was the way the story was constructed and how it was revealed to the audience.

The film opens with a scene which we are led to believe is representative of what happened. But, after some minutes into the plot suddenly the clock stops and rewinds to the start of the film. It then unfolds a different viewpoint to the original scenario. New unseen information is added and old information is shown in a different light revealing something new about our original assumptions. This happens several times throughout the film and eventually a complete picture is built up; an overview which is substantially different to the original scene portrayed at the start of the film.

So it is with marriage. This person, with whom I speak, sleep and live every day, is very complex. We hardly know what is going on in the deeper recesses of their being, yet conversely we say we know them inside out. It is a constant mystery that unravels piece by piece throughout our shared lives and we might suddenly find that we have been looking at an aspect from a different vantage point. The underlying story is the same but the details are different; those same details can even indicate different perspectives which themselves indicate different implications for life.

Recording your story

Even life stories that are very familiar and personal to each of us can show up important differences in our perceptions. If that is so, imagine what happens with big events outside our immediate world, outside our close experience and outside our personal involvement.

To illustrate how differently things can be perceived by each of you, try this exercise independently of each other. You should discuss the procedure first; but do not discuss the details of what you will write.

Together, choose an event which is a shared experience of some intensity and for which there are good reasons for you both to remember it. Recounting a story of how you first met, or a short résumé of your first few weeks together as a couple are good examples. Or you could recount your wedding day, or a particularly significant first holiday...the possibilities are endless. The important thing is that it is something very significant for both of you. Agree on the topic.

The topic being written about

Write down the event, or series of events, the period of time in your lives that you will both recount ................

Agree on the word limit. Try to set a limit of much less than 1000 words so that it does not become a tedious list of ‘then this happened and then we did that.’ Of course if you are both avid writers and love expressing every intricate detail of your romance in flowing poetic phrases, you can agree on more, but the important thing is to happily agree!

Agree that the word limit is ......................words.

Write down the important points, the feelings, events and the process. Write down the key points, salient points and things you wish to remember, what was important at the time, not only the tough bits, concentrate on the parts that you would want to hand on to your grandchildren when they ask e.g. Granny, how did you meet grandpa?

Keep to the point; make your story interesting. The purpose of this chapter is not just to write a story, but to write it in a way that might explain and reveal a thing or two. It is not to pick differences in the story-telling abilities of each of you but to show how going through the same events can be seen so differently. It may help you understand how differences arise when living cross culturally.

When you have done this exercise...

Consider what else might have been seen differently if you had each been from a different background, a different culture or from a different religious perspective.

Multiply those differences by the number of issues we encounter in a lifetime or in a marriage; multiply those differences by the number of different backgrounds, world cultures, political influences, and religious perspectives that are in the world and you will start to see exactly why relationships are a tangled web of events, feelings, emotions, fact, fiction and supposition.

Time to read and discuss.

Swap papers and read what your spouse has written. But, here are a few tips on reading and discussing:

This is an opportunity for remembering and discussing. It is not the time or the place to see shortcomings or to disagree on the details. If ‘A’ saw the events like ‘this,’ and ‘B’ saw the events like ‘that’, that is just fine. It is possible you might both be right, for differing reasons.

Accept that men and women see things differently; from a different vantage point or as if through a different filter.

Accept that different people, irrespective of gender, see events differently. That is why the average criminal investigation case involves several witnesses, not just one. Even if all witnesses are of impeccable character and honesty, what was seen and perceived might differ.

When reading your spouse’s version of the events read the full script before commenting. Pulling faces or falling about laughing while pointing at the paper, and other predatory body language, could also be construed as commenting!

Take it in turns to comment, or discuss informally. But the most important thing is not to interrupt, even if you disagree. Let the other say what they think, and why, before you jump in with anything that might be close to being “Ah but...”

Identify the differences and try to conclude why they may be so. Ask yourself which ones might be different because of other outside influences. Have fun reminiscing! But above all, talk about it in constructive and exploratory terms.

Chapter 8 The ingredients that make up your marriage…

Understanding the factors and components of your marriage, and how they can be affected by international living, is an important topic. To constantly move forward to a new and improved place of understanding, we have to understand where we are now.

The content of this chapter seeks to do that in a way which enables each of us to think about the issues, but also provides the tools and materials for the building up of constructive conversation between us as a couple. Then we can progress from a place of understanding to more fully appreciate the pressures we come under when living and working in unfamiliar territory.

When first setting out to write this chapter I sat down to make a list of basic marriage factors that I had experienced, which I could express as a single keyword. Then I wrote down a second list of those additional factors which affected our marriage when working in the overseas context. Finally I made a list of the additional factors, speculatively, that I thought might affect marriage if ‘I was not me’ and ‘Sandy was not Sandy.’ That is, being different and hypothetical persons.

Then I asked Sandy to do the same, but from her own perspective.

Neither of us spent all afternoon thinking and analysing; it was a fairly quick exercise thinking of the first things to come into our heads. It took just the time it took to write a list. When we each ran out of ideas we stopped without further extended thought.

The results were both interesting and sometimes predictable, but there were also some surprises. I have not printed the exact lists we each wrote, for privacy reasons, but I have printed an amalgamated list of the factors mentioned by either of us. I have indicated those keywords which were common to both of our lists in bold type.

The order is not in any priority or other format, other than that they have been grouped together in words which convey similar or associated meanings. Though the actual words may not be the same, there are a number of distinct similarities. I suppose that on a different day we might have written slightly different things. It is quite subjective. The important thing is to identify the similarities between the lists.

Section 1 Defining factors in our marriage: keywords

This is an amalgamation of Peter’s set of keywords and Sandy’s set of keywords. These are not in any prioritised order though certain concepts and similarities have been grouped. Those in bold were common to both our sets of keywords.

In the original I had a list of twenty items and Sandy a list of twenty nine. That also says something about the men vs. women’s means of communication as indicated in an earlier chapter. A similar pattern emerges in the next two sections.

1.        Love

2.       Attraction

3.       Physical

4.       Sex

5.       Pleasure

6.       Enjoyment

7.       Fidelity

8.       Monogamy

9.       Uniqueness

10.    Affection

11.     Unconditional

12.    Acceptance

13.    Communication

14.    Sharing

15.    Compromise

16.    Persuasion

17.    Honesty

18.    Companionship

19.    Togetherness

20.   Confidence

21.    Trust

22.   Obedience

23.   Listening

24.   Unity

25.   Affirmation

26.   Peace

27.   Serenity

28.   Excitement

29.   Happiness

30.   Joy

31.    Jobs

32.   Welcoming

33.   Change

34.   Adjustments

35.   Shared spirituality

36.   Money

37.   Possessions

38.   Gifts

39.   ‘Baggage’

40.   Jealousy

41.    Introvert

42.   Extrovert

43.   Family

Section 2 Additional factors affecting marriage overseas.

Again, this is an amalgamated list. In the original, Peter’s list was twenty nine items and Sandy’s list was forty. As before, the bold items are the duplicates common to both lists. For this section we found it necessary to elaborate beyond a single keyword for a few factors so that meaning and context is clearer for the reader.

In the original lists, perhaps predictably according to gender psychology, Sandy’s list tended to centre on factors of security, home, family and a woman’s ‘place’ in society. Mine tended to lean towards providing, achieving, work, and safety.

This was particularly interesting as I would have said that we were more atypical than that. We also learned that although we had had a very close and intense experience together in our years overseas, there were only a few of the concerns that were exactly the same. Actually only twelve out of sixty nine. Very interesting!

1.        Climate/weather

2.       Security/safety

3.       Fear

4.       Guards

5.       Dogs (owning a dog and dogs in the street)

6.       Restrictions of movement (safe / permissible to go out on my own?)

7.       Tension

8.       Passes / I.D. checks

9.       Availability (of food/ goods)

10.    Limited supplies

11.     Food

12.    Servants

13.    Privacy

14.    Illness

15.    Medical facilities (inadequate), especially for children.

16.    Hygiene

17.    Facilities

18.    Clothing / dress

19.    Culture

20.   Cultural change

21.    Not permissible to hold hands

22.   Subservience (having to follow behind husband)

23.   Body Language

24.   Adaptability

25.   Misunderstandings

26.   Religion

27.   Work

28.   Work assumptions

29.   Staff

30.   Pressure (to achieve)

31.    Workload

32.   Burnout

33.   Stress

34.   Jobs and subsidiary jobs

35.   Unpaid jobs

36.   Service

37.   Who does what?

38.   Reliability(of other people)

39.   Tiredness

40.   Frustration

41.    Bribery

42.   Travelling

43.   Road conditions

44.   Rules of the road

45.   Relatives

46.   Distance (from home)

47.   Relocation

48.   Loneliness

49.   Helplessness

50.   Living conditions

51.    Housing

52.   Water

53.   Electricity

54.   Telephone / mail / internet

55.   Seasons

56.   Birthdays

57.   Christmas

58.   Entertainment / leisure

59.   Sport

60.   TV

61.    Drama

62.   Schooling

63.   Holidays

Section 3 Imaginary additional marriage issues

These are hypothetical issues we each can imagine might affect other marriages; or might have affected ours if we had handled life differently or had been different personalities. Again, the bold items are the duplicates that were common to both our lists. Interestingly the number of issues was reversed in this case. I had nineteen and Sandy fourteen: a more even balance.

1.        Possessions / ownership of belongings

2.       Alcohol (misuse of)

3.       Spirituality

4.       Sexuality

5.       Friends

6.       Individuality

7.       Time alone

8.       Time apart

9.       Holidays together / not together

10.    Hygiene

11.     Education

12.    Attitudes

13.    Habits

14.    In-laws

15.    Superiority

16.    Inferiority

17.    Violence

18.    Attitudes

19.    Condescension

20.   Demands

21.    Domination

22.   Uncooperativeness

23.   Boredom

24.   Money

25.   Bank accounts

26.   Savings

27.   Spending

28.   Clothing

29.   Dress sense

30.   Work

31.    Travel

What does all this mean? Well, in a sense we might say that it is meaningless in the bigger picture of marriage. Certainly it is meaningless to anyone other than ourselves; they are examples. It is just a snapshot into two brains that have enjoyed a great marriage and great world experiences.

Different people will list very different things; and that is to be expected. Some of you will be sitting reading this book and saying or thinking,

“He didn’t mention this! How on earth can they have been alive that long, been married for so many years without having encountered that? Or, neither of them have thought of so and so issue?

Or you might think,

“Fancy mentioning that; how strange for that to be an issue. They must be odd!”

The point is this, that every marriage is different, every life has diverse things to encounter and to overcome. You need to focus on you and your marriage; where is it going, where is it taking you and are the two of you in control of it?

Defining the factors for yourselves.

You might individually like to try this exercise yourselves and discuss the issues that come up; but firstly, do please resist the temptation to look back at the lists that I have given above. The exercise does need to be things from your own mind, own experience and own marriage. Avoid writing down what you think should be written down!

Remember, that discussion and marital communication never stops. Maybe some surprises will come up and, if so, these will need exploring together. Do not be too quick to jump in with the “Ah, but....” comments. Take time to listen, really listen, and wait till the other has finished before responding. Don’t spend the entire time your spouse is talking formulating your response in clever words. Listen to what is being said. The message you receive is likely to be more than the words said.

Choose a time and place when you are less likely to be interrupted. Do the exercise and then book a quiet evening out (or in) together; get in a babysitter if necessary, ask Granny or a friend to come round to give you space to go elsewhere perhaps.

Even if there are no children, rid yourselves of the likelihood of interruptions. Turn off the phone, the TV and avoid the need to cut the grass! Give each other time.

If you have not already started working overseas this exercise might be mainly relevant for section one, about your marriage. You could try sections two and three knowing that the results are likely to be very speculative. However, the answers might be very revealing of issues that are an underlying concern for you or your spouse. This is still a good opportunity to discuss the issues raised.

So, ready to start? To recap, and to save the need to sneakily look back at our lists...

Section 1: Define the factors in your marriage, from your own point of view, by single keywords. Write as many as you can conveniently think of in one go without stopping, thinking and deliberating for several minutes. It is principally a list that easily comes ‘off the top of your head.’

Section 2: Define the additional things which you identify as affecting your marriage due to overseas / international factors; try to use a single keyword or very short phrase. Alternatively if you have not yet embarked on such cross cultural and inter faith living situations, try listing the things you think may be a problem. These may also be the things that concern you about your impending future.

Section 3: What additional marriage issues can you perceive as being possible problems for different people?

This exercise should not foster discontent between you. But, acquiring an appreciation of marriage beyond your own needs and concerns is useful for good understanding of where yours could go when your surroundings and environment change. We have known a number of people who had ostensibly happy marriages before working overseas in mission. It steadily changed after that and the marriage disintegrated into disharmony and strife. In some cases, husband or wife strayed to having an affair in which, at least in the short term, things were perceived to be better or more attractive than the status quo.

So, on that unhappy note, I do hope you enjoy doing this exercise and that it is a really encouraging and enlivening experience. Understanding your spouse and your marriage is a major step forwards for many people. Do remember that you will get the maximum out of this by each doing it separately and then discussing it afterwards.

If you see significant dissimilarities in your lists, that is something to discuss and explore together to understand the reasons why.

Just a thought; if either or both of you are not open and willing to undertake this, perhaps it is an indicator of some other issues that need addressing first?

Chapter 9 A positively good chapter

Feel-good factor

A lot of what has been said has perhaps assumed, or implied, that things will naturally be tough. There have been many tips on how to keep marriage safe and secure in your cross cultural living; and there are even more to come in the following pages.

All is definitely not negative; in fact quite the opposite. Sandy and I had the time of our lives in mission overseas and we would not change it for anything; nothing at all. So here is a little light relief from the heavy issues of the last chapter to provide some positive feel-good factor. After reading it, you may find some encouragement to identify an event with significant feel-good factor in your lives. Do not be concerned if it is apparently not quite as striking as this tale; we each have different experiences in our lives.

A story to warm your heart

We were on leave from Afghanistan, during the time of the war with the Soviet Union. We were exhausted, but also very excited to be spending time travelling in Nepal, walking and exploring. We enjoyed the sunny days and the cool nights and cycled around Kathmandu on hired bicycles.

We had been right out of town, quite a way into the hills, me riding in front with Matt sitting on a bolt-on saddle on the crossbar. Richard was sitting astride the parcel- rack on the back, made a little more comfy with a folded towel and a strap to keep it in place. He had very strict instructions to keep his toes and feet out of the spokes as they whirred round. He did exactly as he was told, thankfully, and as an adult he still has two feet many years later! In retrospect I shiver at the potential danger.

Many miles out of town, I got a sliver of bamboo through my tyre and the bike became unusable. We looked around to see if there was a repair shop anywhere, but there wasn’t. It was a remote place with few facilities; just the open road. It hardly mattered, we were having such a lovely time together, the sun was shining and we were seemingly in paradise.

There were butterflies in the bushes, birds in the trees and children playing in a nearby village. The distant beautiful vistas of the Himalayas, crisp mountain air, and sharp white snowlines against an azure blue sky completed the scene of well being. The only break with the idyllic was the tyre that was now as useless as a wet paper bag.

Down the road we saw a bus stand where busses were apparently turning round to go back into town, to Kathmandu. So after some prompting from Sandy, for me to do ‘the man’s job’ of trying to chat up the drivers, I went to find out where they were going. Language difficulties aside I understood that one was going to Thapatali Roundabout...it was somewhere we actually knew in Kathmandu...and only 25 minutes walk from our cheap guesthouse in Thamel; the backpackers area of town.

Brilliant; what good luck!

Sandy, as always the good mother, looked after the boys and stopped them being trampled by the water buffaloes wandering beside the road, run over by the motor bikes scooting here and there, or nibbled by the goats being sold in the market.

The bus was about to go, so in haste I climbed the ladder on the back of the bus, up on to the roof and with the help of various unknown young men, heaved the bikes up onto the massive roof rack, with all the other belongings of passengers travelling long distances. Bundles of this and that, essentials for someone’s livelihood, all rested in the precarious pile of goods. There was even a roughly-made crate full of chickens which clucked nervously at their incarceration.

Swaying and rattling along beside tree lined fields, the roads were bumpy but it didn’t matter. Another adventure encountered, and we as a family were safe. The boys thought it was great; they knew no other life.

Suddenly storm clouds swept in from the south-east, from somewhere over India. They arrived at speed, the world changed in an instant, the wind started to blow, and did it blow! I had never seen or heard anything like it. Trees were literally being uprooted; debris flew everywhere.

We passed through a village and saw people diving for cover to shelter from danger, some even escaped the storm by diving into roadside ditches. Corrugated sheets were being uplifted from roofs and yet we felt safe, squashed into that small bus alongside lots of locals, farmers dozing, more chickens and a goat. What a blessing it felt to be in the relative safety of the bus. We just hoped that a fallen tree would not block the road.

On arriving back in Kathmandu we encountered more rain and, though it was not torrential, the streets were awash with mud and debris. Paddling through the streets, trousers rolled up our shins, we chatted to the boys about what a fun day it had been. They thought it had really been high adventure cycling with Mum and Dad into the mountains, eating a picnic under a tree and then getting stuck with a wonky bike; Dad heaving the bikes onto the roof with the chickens while they sat safely inside with Mum. That was just what childhood days should be made of; days out, adventure, excitement and Mum and Dad together.

Perfection!

Getting back to the guest house it was time to rest; we were tired from trudging along wet crowded streets for half an hour.  The sun had returned, the pavements steamed in the heat, and it was a lovely day again. Enough excitement for one day! Or so I thought.

Hanging out of the window from an upstairs corridor I looked out into the front courtyard of the guest house. A swell of feelings from the past surged into my veins as I looked out and saw a large inflatable rubber boat and piles of expedition equipment being assembled. An advert board stood nearby, inviting people to get together and depart on a white-water river rafting expedition lasting a week on the mighty Kali Gandaki River; just one of many tributaries to the Ganges.

The transport was a converted army truck set high off the ground for driving through the mountain passes. The call of the wild beckoned from way back in my bachelor days and I yearned to go. They were due to depart tomorrow afternoon for the wilds, and the raging waters. It promised high adventure and adrenaline, thrills and spills.

I was thirty and it had been ‘only’ six years since I had given up rock climbing and mountaineering. The feelings of bereavement and longing still flowed actively in my veins and adventurousness was still a streak that had an insatiable appetite for more. It is a feeling that never totally leaves.

The more I knew that I couldn’t go, the more I looked at the sights with longing. The most powerful of urges from the past resurfaced in me and surprised me. It was like a longing for forbidden fruit. I talked to Sandy about how I felt, more from a perspective of sharing my life and feelings than from any serious intent to go.

She did not have to ask anything to know and understand that her husband’s eyes and desires were elsewhere!

The lure of the wild, the open stretches of water, the rapids and getting there in the back of a converted army truck with seats welded where crates of ammunition once stood. Camping out in the Himalayas under the cloudless Asian skies would display the same stars twinkling in the blackened heavens that stretched from our home in Kabul right across to the Far East. It was a picture of high adventure, high attractiveness and was hard for an adventurer to ignore.

There were signs of a man needing to be elsewhere.

But there were other responsibilities. The children were still very young and too small to go on such a serious trek. Even if they weren’t, we couldn’t afford for all of us to go. The yearning was strong and I suppose it was the one and only time I regretted having children with us. The only time I remembered friends, who had said gloomily,

“Don’t have children so young. You have to live a bit and have fun first.”

Were they right after all? I was pining for the sort of adventure that I could set off on totally unhindered; free to go.

I didn’t have to say anything; my wife of seven years just knew her husband’s thoughts were elsewhere, as all perceptive wives know. It was not the lure of other women, that was at least something, but the urge to have some exhilarating adventure and to join the expedition for white water river rafting.

In a meaningful, generous and gentle way she offered to stay in Kathmandu with our boys and wait for me to come back.

She knew the call of the wild when she saw it in her man.

What would she do to keep the boys amused on her own for so many days; what if I failed to return safely? How would she manage alone for several days with boredom and two small ones to keep occupied? One of them had asthma and we had run out of medicine, how would she cope on her own if it erupted late at night? How could I go and leave her?

Making that offer sacrificially and giving permission to go was the answer I had been waiting for. Great, that’s it, I had permission to go, I could have the fun and be a free man again, chasing the adrenaline...

“That’s lovely of you to offer. But, I’ll stay. Willingly stay.”

Sandy had sacrificed her will and her wants and it no longer mattered. Mattered not one jot, nor caused the longings of an envious heart. Having the permission to go, I stayed because I wanted to stay. I didn’t go, because I didn’t want to go.

Ten years later, innumerable adventures further down the line, a two-year assignment in Africa behind us, now three sons in tow and surprise surprise! We all went white-water rafting on rapids on the upper reaches of the River Ganges not far from Rishikesh in India. Different river, different country, and different date; but the same excitement; and we did it all together.

Even the river water we were in may have been the water that flowed from the Kali Gandaki River in Nepal, a tributary of the Ganges. As for all the best things in life it was worth the wait. By such good fortune and by God’s grace we all got what we wanted and needed. It is just the timetable that was different. The schedule was not what we expected, but it was better than the first plan.

How pleased I am that I didn’t go on the Kali Gandaki expedition from Kathmandu; because I wanted to go irrespective of whether it was alone or with my family. It was the freedom of going that mattered. The feeding of a longing that had to be fed.

When we all went together it was a joint expedition, something that the three boys will remember they did with Dad, and Mum, camping and eating on the river-beach late at night under Himalayan stars, rafting during the day in the hot sun.

And paradoxically Sandy can remember the things that are important to a woman, the signs of a husband who longed to be elsewhere, but stayed. Not because he couldn’t go; but because he could.

Chapter 10 Marriage and interfaith issues

When setting out in mission it is virtually a fact of life that there will be general interfaith issues, or faith versus atheism, to deal with. If there were not, then many people would assume that there is little point left in the assignment as a missionary. That is, from a spiritual viewpoint anyway.

There may still be valid service, benevolence, development, aid and compassionate reasons to go. Indeed, even a fully Christian population has many physical and spiritual needs that need help, listening to, counselling and prayer.

We might follow our call to go; and then find that we are ministering to a different people-group than we originally anticipated. When we went to Afghanistan we imagined our ministry was mainly to Afghans; but soon after getting there we realised we had more of a ministry to embassy staff and military personnel.

Even though issues of interfaith encounter are apparently part of the package we expect, it does not stop it being a surprise when we actually get to grips with the details. There are all sorts of factors which will come up in daily life and will destabilise our thinking, till we have worked through the issues. Some will challenge our own faith and some will just be irritants that impinge on our daily lives.

General irritations

Some of the problems that can come up are not in themselves to do with actual differences of faith. Some may be an unfamiliar by-product which causes an irritation or problem to arise when there was no serious problem anyway. Anything, whether religiously based or otherwise, that causes an irritation in a relationship can be as worrying as a small piece of grit in your shoe. You can manage, you can progress, but actually it’s not very comfortable and eventually becomes a bigger and bigger issue.

When we were living in India, the festival of Diwali (the festival of lights) would take place spectacularly each November. Honouring the goddess Lakshmi and celebrated principally by Hindus; Sikhs and Jains join in enthusiastically but in reality a majority of people across many faiths participate. It is a celebration of good over evil in human beings and time to celebrate prosperity. There are a number of origins recognised, but essentially it is associated with harvest time in agricultural areas.

In cities the celebrations flow too, with gusto and exuberance. In addition to candles and lights, fireworks are ignited in profusion. So much so that, in some areas, it sounds like the beginning of a large battle! In cities the air can become thick with very acrid smoke.

There are no specific Diwali links to marriage here, but the whole event is illustrative of how overwhelming cultural adjustment might be. Maybe a young wife and mother, feeling uncertain of surroundings and following her husband’s vocation in mission, may be startled to find that the Diwali celebrations are so overwhelming and apparently invasive to her young baby, breathing all that ‘nasty smoke’. It is so unavoidable too. Such natural concerns for ones offspring might create a reaction focussed on hating the environment you are in perhaps.

Likewise at the Indian festival of Holi (the festival of colours), in late February or early March; the spring festival sets out to dispel evil. On the second day strongly coloured powders are showered everywhere, over people and cows in the street, and it is not uncommon to see pink people, green people and any colour imaginable. I once had a work meeting with a purple Deputy Minister of Health at this time of year! Many foreigners join in, but just as many stay completely off the streets as every year there are reports of corrosive chemicals or powdered glass being found in some of the powder. This can be quite a worry for some, whether foreign or Indian, and especially those with young children.

Intolerance, even in routine daily issues, can arise if the husband is not equally concerned, if not for the child, but for his wife who is suffering in silence. Many a marriage has foundered on the rocks of inattention and lack of concern. Poor ability to notice the small things has been, can be and will be for centuries, the seed that starts the rot in a marriage.

Again an example from India, at Dussehra there is much joy and enthusiasm for the ten days leading up to Diwali. The temple down the road from where we lived held devotions consisting of twenty four hour chanting and was visited by devotees who queued up for hours to pray. It was, in my opinion, not a particularly invasive activity; nor was it a significantly disturbing irritation to the neighbourhood. However I have met some Evangelical Christians who find that visiting Hindu pilgrimage areas at such a times feels most oppressive and disturbing. They experience clear feelings of discomfort.

However it is coincidental that the three examples given are from India. They might just as well have been from other places. Such effects on your wellbeing while living and working in any country can be the fuel to the fire of feeling very unsettled where you live. This can cause tensions all round within your family, or at work, as the case may be.

Perhaps something as simple as being awoken very early every morning by the local Imam at the mosque, calling Muslims to prayer, may cause problems for those who are not Muslims. After a sleepless night, up with small children, or suffering from a bad stomach bug, the last thing wanted is to be awoken early. Just when you had got off to sleep; suddenly both you and baby are awake again! And now it is getting light...

In some countries the call to prayer is quite brief and non intrusive, lasting just a few short minutes. In other countries it can go on for half an hour or more and can be intrusively loud, amplified by loudspeakers directed straight at your windows. We have even experienced the window glass vibrating in sympathy.

Such things in themselves are not a danger when one is used to it, but the general erosion of sleep and rest might add to an overall picture of excessive tiredness and strain from cultural adjustment. However, such things, in addition to many of the factors identified in your set of keywords which you listed in chapter eight, can make the difference between coping and not coping. It is the difference between still being able to remain tolerant and calm, and otherwise being short, irritated and unforgiving to wife or husband concerning other issues.

Obviously suchlike features of faiths do not usually, and certainly not always, break up marriages, but they might contribute to someone’s overall well-being, or lack of it. And it is not just ‘other’ faiths that may be the cause of such tension. Christians are guilty of creating a disturbance too.

Alfie was a colleague from work at a secular charity. He and his wife Sophie went to settle in Nigeria, due to his work. They were not Christians, nor of any particular faith. I guess they were agnostic or atheist.

They spent a number of days searching for a house when they first got to Lagos. Eventually a house in a pleasant area was found and they moved in...only to be disturbed on the first Sunday they were there. There was a church opposite and it had appeared so innocuous when no one was attending; they hardly noticed.

They were tired from moving house and tired from the tropical weather. It was the last straw to have large numbers of cars pulling up and parking outside, blocking the gate several times a week. The car owners bluntly said, with little grace or charm, that it was their right to park there as it was a public street. On Sundays, after a couple of hours they all went and another batch of cars arrived for the next service.

In the interim period there was LOUD and double-amplified singing and music, reverberating through to their eardrums. During the service the volume continued and even the Pastors sermon was heard outside because of a video link to the overflow congregation which met under an awning, in shade from the persistent sun.

In the search for a good housing area they had overlooked the impact of the local Pentecostal church over the road. In such an environment the strains of singing were the cause of strains to Alfie and Sophie’s marriage. Sophie simply could not understand why Alfie did not feel he could go round to the church to complain.

Other faiths’ views on Christian marriage

One thing that is rarely, possibly never, an interfaith issue, is the fact of being married. In all major religions the marriage relationship, husband, wife and children, is an honourable foundation. I am not aware of any ethical or moral criticisms of Christians from other world-faiths, for being married. It is a universally understood concept of society. This is one area we can celebrate together, fully understand, accept and even expect. It is only from the relaxed post-modern thinking that’s particularly prevalent in the west that the concept of marriage is questioned, queried and rejected.

Thus, it is a point of satisfaction that I conclude that, in a book on marriage in cross-cultural and interfaith environments, marriage is not the issue in contention; it is how we as humans deal with marriage and living with our spouse that reveals a lot about our Christian faith.

Marriages of mixed faith and beliefs

This section deviates from the main theme of this book to some extent. That is, because there is less chance of a couple of mixed faith being involved in mission; or at least, joint ministry as a couple is unlikely. It may happen that one of a couple is involved in mission and the other is not.

That would still be a rather unusual situation, but it does happen; particularly if the Christian half of the couple is not involved in “here to there” ministry but perhaps as a key member of their local church, already ministering in their country of residence.

Though biblically it is less than ideal for a Christian to be married to a person of another faith, it does happen, frequently. The biblical advice is not to be unequally yoked with a person of another faith because of the difficulties this usually generates. Marriage is difficult enough without an issue at the core of your being, your spirituality, tugging the two of you in opposite directions.

However, there are some quite logical reasons why a number of people do have mixed marriages; one might even say that they are very good and legitimate reasons. Some are also to do with local traditions and customs or practices.

In some very blended societies there are many faiths living alongside each other. India is an example of this. Generally speaking this arrangement works very well and there are only a relatively small number of conflicts, in comparison to the magnitude of the population as a whole. This, with the constitutionally encouraged view of a secular state and society for all faiths, added to the tradition of arranged marriages, leads to a position of personal adaptability to the circumstances.

It is true that many Christians in such an environment might only choose a Christian spouse; but it is also true that some choose for other reasons such as individual choice / falling in love, or by more traditional values such as class, education, wealth or family standing. Some very traditional families or families of recent converts from Hinduism may still pay some allegiance to the caste system (though it is officially defunct anyway).

There are pages and pages of marriage-seekers’ columns in most Indian newspapers. Most list physical, educational and even financial attributes. Some mention (or hint at) skin tone, and some mention (or hint at) preferred religion. It all makes interesting and enlightening reading, building up a vivid picture of love and marriage South Asian style.

Shanka and Priyanka had been found for each other by their families. It had been an arranged marriage.

It had been a long and diligent search over many months and every care had been taken. Not a stone had been left unturned in the efforts to find a suitable spouse for each family’s offspring. If the average western critic of arranged marriages had known what care, caution and consideration that had gone into it, the trouble that had been taken, they would have surely been impressed.

Shanka was from a traditional Anglo-Indian Christian background. He and his family had always attended church. All his life he had been instructed in the ways and traditions of the church and Christian faith. It was an enduring faith and a certainty of identity that he felt, but it was not what some Christians might call a living faith and a personal relationship to Jesus Christ. Yet one could also not comfortably say he was not a Christian either. Who knows the hearts of men, other than God himself?

But, he had been brought up in a liberal environment where Evangelical or Pentecostal firm adherence to the scriptures was not always applied on every issue. Yes, the core teachings were there, but things such as Christians marrying Christians was seen as the icing on the cake rather than a vital necessity.

Priyanka was from a fine, honourable and upright Hindu family, her parents having deep, loving care and concern for their daughter. As the Indian tradition usually indicates that the bride literally goes away to the new husband’s family, a distinct severing or loosening of ties to the bride’s family is normal. In some more strict families the bride’s parents might even have to ask permission to visit their daughter.

For that reason, they wanted their precious daughter to marry well into a loving and caring environment; to become part of a new family that would hold her in esteem and value. That was the primary concern, not the religion.

So it came about that Shanka and Priyanka agreed to marry. They were happy with the choice that had primarily been made by their parents, but they also liked what they saw in each other. Priyanka even wanted to honour her husband to the depths of his soul and so voluntarily renounced her Hindu faith and was baptised as a Christian two days before the wedding. It was a genuine desire to be a Christian yet it was all so sudden and all such a change in emphasis to her life that she eventually realised, later in life, that it had been an overwhelming adaptation to undertake. There was so much to learn, so much to understand and so much to truly feel for herself.

But the baptism was not the end of the issue as far as the marriage ceremony went. Priyanka’s parents were so pleased, thrilled and relieved that they had placed their beloved daughter in such a supportive family. The in-laws had honourable and respected jobs; Shanka was renowned for being a quiet and gentle man.

But, and it was a big BUT, though they accepted Priyanka’s stated conversion to Christianity, they could see a pragmatic aspect to what she had done. They did not understand there was more to it than that. And besides, it was not they who had converted; they were and had always been devotees of Shiva. Their family honour and lineage could be traced back ten generations. The wedding would still have to be correct according to Hindu tradition and ceremony too. They should consult an astrologer to determine the details of the wedding and thereby implicate the correctness of the date and place of the ceremony.

To give acceptance and dignity to the groom and the groom’s family, and to award recognition and deference to Priyanka’s wishes, the following deal was struck. There would be two ceremonies; a Hindu one and a Christian one. The date for the Hindu one would be determined by astrology and guests from both sides of the family would be invited to attend. The Christian wedding would take place the day before so that those in the church that objected to astrology-determined wedding dates would be satisfied. Two days before that Priyanka would be baptised into the Christian faith.

That way, both sets of parents and relatives would be happy that purity and dignity in the relationship had been maintained. However it did mean that Shanka had to have the grace to be a willing participant in the Hindu ceremony, despite it being contrary to his beliefs.

Priyanka felt included and accepted into her husband’s family yet did not have to increase her feelings of bereavement at leaving her mother and father by going against their beliefs and sensibilities. The fact that she would be entering the Hindu ceremony having already consummated the marriage with Shanka the night before was a detail that her mother and father generously chose to ignore. They were very happy and had learnt to move with modern times without abandoning traditional values.

Such is the strength of much of Indian society today.

Around the same time I had some friends who lived in Amritsar, the holiest city of Sikhism. The Golden Temple there has been a powerful symbol of Sikh spirituality for generations and is at the heart of Indian Punjabi culture. Even as a Christian I can see, feel and understand what a strong influence this place has on many thousands of people.

Apart from the chanting of prayers or hymns and poetry from the Granth Sahib (the holy scriptures of Sikhism), the place is a silent place of tranquility for the thousands who come here to meditate, pray and live a little of their lives in serenity.

Amerjit and Kitty, Kit for short, had moved to Amritsar from New Delhi a few years earlier. They had a good and substantial marriage and had been married twenty seven years. Amerjit is a Sikh and Kit is a Christian, but as Kit was not so when they first met, they did not anticipate any difficulties when she started to believe. Indeed when she became a Christian more than fifteen years ago, they also did not think this was a problem as there is quite a degree of positive tolerance of Christianity by Sikhs. But as time went on, though their marriage remained strong, they longed for their spirituality to be as much at one as the rest of their lives.

Years went by and they pursued aspects of their life that were separate, Amerjit attending worship and devotionals at the Gurudwara and Kit attending services at Church and at a mid-week Bible study group. Amerjit cared for Kit so much that he would walk her through the dark streets for her to attend her mid-week home Bible study group, and come back two hours later to collect her. Sikhism is a way of life and has a long tradition of caring and service. Kit liked that very much and Amerjit felt encouraged that Kit still looked up to him as her mentor, family head and husband.

It actually worked well as they each had their own pursuits but also had their joint interests, Indian music concerts from all traditions, poetry readings and travelling to see Indian archaeological sites. But underlying the happy arrangements Amerjit longed for his wife to be a Sikh so that when he met his Sikh colleagues socially she would be truly one of them in mind, body and spirit.

Likewise, Kit’s faith strengthened and she daily, weekly, constantly grew and grew in her experience of Jesus in her life. She felt so sad that Amerjit was not feeling what she was feeling and, even worse, he could not understand what it was that she longed to convey.

It was a wonderful marriage in many respects, but periodically there were reasons to regret that it was not quite as it should have been. Kit loved Amerjit so much she longed for him to come to faith in Christ.

As they got older, she longed to know that he would join her in heaven. She wanted to be at one, not just for now, but for eternity.

Their shared experience of life and work, of hobbies and interests, of friendship and respect was just a few notches short of perfection, due to the gap left by their unshared spirituality. We humans are spiritual beings and our most intense relationships climb into the very being and even see aspects of the soul of our mate. Hence the expression about someone being our ‘soul-mate.’ (Though, I mean this in the dictionary-sense, meaning someone ideally suited to another. I am not referring to the new age or astrological connotations of birth, life and reincarnation into shared paths).

But if that final ingredient of shared faith is not there and is not available to us, as Amerjit and Kit found, there is a gap, a void left unfilled between us. Though Amerjit and Kit are happily married, I guess they would be very happily married if that void were to be filled.

Anything that leaves a void or a vacuum between married couples, anything that tugs them in different directions, anything that nibbles at the core of their joint and separate ways of life, has the potential to become an irritant that divides. Put two pieces of glass together and exclude all air bubbles between them and they are almost impossible to pull apart. Allow air pockets here and there and division is easy.

That does not mean that couples have to be the same in everything; they just have to be complementary and compatible. It is alright to be different in many things, as different as male and female, but also as intimately fitting as male and female. At the core of our beings Sandy and I are opposites. Though we each show some tendencies of the other, she is an extrovert and I am very much an introvert, and it works very well. But there are no air pockets; not that we have discovered so far!

Sometimes spiritual relationship is not an issue of shared faith, or differing faiths. It can also be the creeping and all pervasive effects of atheism that cause the divisions. Though the power of God is unquestionably greater than anything else in the universe, atheism in the modern world has a force, a strength which shouldn’t be overlooked. It is not just a passive belief that God does not exist, vaguely wafting along in denial of the divine. It can be a strident and persistent thorn in the flesh for Christian believers, especially if accompanied with a strong ideological belief such as communism or other significant socio-political belief in a system that is all encompassing to people’s lives.

Andrei and Faye thought of themselves as freethinking radicals and had met at a demonstration in London. She was there in a group of girls from a factory in Leicester who wanted to protest about the issue and he was there because...there was a demonstration. He had grown up in Soviet Russia, had seen the political and physical dismantling of the Berlin Wall first hand; he was studying Politics and International Relations.

Faye was the one who noticed him before her friends did. She was drawn primarily to his looks as he walked to and fro with a placard near the TV cameras. She sat quietly by, taking a rest from the exhausting day. She struck up conversation and she was impressed by his strength of conviction and belief. He was taken with the way that she cared about the issues: yes she really cared with a passion and a belief that the world could be changed.

To keep the story short; in due time they married.

One day at work a colleague asked Faye if she would come with her to a weekend away with some of her church friends. It would be fun, she said. As Andrei was also to be away on a business trip at that time, she agreed, and went along not expecting much; just expecting to socialise with her friend’s friends. The effect was overwhelming, unexpected, exhilarating and totally different from anything she had experienced to date.

Her caring and passion for life found a reason and a purpose. Above all, she became a Christian the following week. Although not all conversion stories are dramatic, hers was. Andrei was quizzical, cautious and generally resistant to the news but over the course of a few weeks he had to admit that, actually, Faye had changed. He liked his new wife even better than the previous version! He could see that she was a new woman...but that was just coincidence, he thought.

Time went on and Faye longed for Andrei to become a Christian. He was resistant to what she said and it started to irritate him so Fay kept quiet for a while. Then one weekend when Andrei was away from home visiting his mother in Moscow, he decided to join a demonstration in Red Square: something that would not have been possible in his youth. However the security police were out in force and Andrei, with others, was arrested. He was detained under provisions of the Statute for Inland Security.

After getting over the initial shock, Faye immediately mobilised Christian groups in any and every church she knew of, to pray for Andrei’s release.  She even set up a network of friends’ friends groups to pray for him.

A miracle happened. Despite the fact that it was normal for people arrested in such circumstances to disappear for a few weeks while officialdom to took its course, he was released on Monday, just two days after the arrest! No one had heard of that before. It was perceived as a miracle. Faye was delighted, and so was Andrei!

Faye told him of the prayer that went into his release, but that just hardened his position and his determination to stay independent of any God who might have that sort of power. Anything that powerful might also start to control his life in ways that he did not want controlling.

Faye understood that the Christian stance is not to be unequally joined in marriage, but that was the situation she was stuck with. It had happened by circumstances rather than choice. She knew that God also would not want the marriage to dissolve over such an issue that she could not have anticipated.

It was her challenge as a Christian wife to love her husband despite his atheism and his ideological beliefs which separated them with a gulf so wide that the parting of the Red Sea seemed small in comparison. Year after year the gulf got wider and the pain and hurt stronger, yet her uncompromising love for Andrei was her greatest demonstration of Christian faith; a demonstration far greater than the miraculous reasons behind the early release of Andrei.

Andrei could not fathom the early release; but it was harder to understand the persistent way that she cared about their marriage: yes she really cared with a passion and a belief that the relationship, and he, could be changed.

There are other complications that can originate from marriages of mixed faith. Some faiths have rules or definitions of who may marry whom. For instance, in the context of Christianity it is well known that Biblically St Paul instructs believers not to unequally yoke with other beliefs and so indicates that Christians should only marry other believers.

In Islam I understand that a number of conventions exist, depending on the particular stream of the Muslim faith and locally accepted practices. It is generally expected that a Muslim lady will only marry a Muslim man. However, a Muslim man may only marry a Muslim lady or a lady of the other Abrahamic monotheistic religions; i.e. Jews or Christians. The reason being that a man is the head of the family and his children can only be Muslims, are automatically Muslims, and change of religion is not acceptable. Thus the children of a Muslim man and a Christian woman are deemed to be Muslim. In Islam it is not acceptable for a Christian man to marry a Muslim woman as then the children do not automatically follow the Muslim faith.

Something similar also exists in some denominations of the Christian faith which lay down requirements for the children of a mixed marriage to be baptised. However, in other countries this is moderated to being a recommendation that every effort is made in this regard i.e. not an absolute requirement.

When one spouse has no belief in God

In a sense, having a spouse of no faith at all (this is different to being an atheist) is potentially more difficult to handle than having a spouse of a different faith. Why? Because there is an unequal joining of hands based on an unequal balance of life.

At least in the story of Amerjit and Kit it was obvious that both had an appreciation of spiritual things and a consciousness of the divine. There was at least common platform on which to base attitudes and discussions.

In the story of Andrei and Faye they both had beliefs. She believed in God and equally strongly he believed that God does not exist. Yet some people do not have such strong beliefs...they just believe in nothing much at all. In a sense they just drift along at random not having equated life with any purpose or meaning. Any discussions on the spiritual realms, any sharing of an exciting experience of God, and discussions on the meaning of life and human existence will automatically start from a position of non-understanding.

Shaun and Dawn grew up in Ireland. They went to school together and had the usual Religious Education lessons as part of the school curriculum. They had both learnt all the Biblical facts, everything from beginning to end, Genesis to Revelation.

The experience in class, mixed together with the strife at the time, between Ireland and Northern Ireland- or Catholics and Protestants, or the IRA and the Government of the United Kingdom depending on one’s viewpoint, had very different affects on each. Shaun’s faith grew and grew because he could see God in every situation of life. Dawn could only see desolation and disharmony and so beliefs became vague or non existent. She felt confused and in due time she did not believe in anything much at all. How could God allow such suffering and strife; and in his name too! If there had been a referendum about the existence of God, she would have abstained. It was all too complicated to decide.

Shaun and Dawn nevertheless were inseparable. It was a real boy-next-door situation and as they grew up they also grew closer. It was just their beliefs, or his beliefs and her nebulous lack of belief that divided them. In due time, they married, against the advice of Shaun’s parish priest. What did he know about it anyway? He wasn’t even married. How could he advise on love, marriage and relationship, so they thought?

After marriage Shaun insisted on going to church every Sunday. Dawn liked to stay at home and have a long lie-in after working hard all week. It worked quite well till one day he came home from a church meeting and said that the congregation had decided that it would be great to put on an additional service on a Sunday morning.

Apparently the women’s fellowship had discovered that there were literally dozens of women in the area who would dearly love to attend church, but couldn’t because their husbands would not like them disappearing from ten thirty till about twelve thirty “just when she should be cooking Sunday lunch.”  It was quite an issue of disappointment and irritation for the women of the parish.

As is so common in many churches, there are more women than men. Ask any single woman in all sorts of churches how easy it is to find a Christian husband, or at least have some choice of Christian boyfriends and you will hear groans of despair. In many churches nationwide, most men are all spoken for, or grey and fifty-plus. Not the dream of the average twenty something female who is seeking a nice Christian man to build a nest with.

So it was that the Church committee decided to introduce an extra service at nine on a Sunday morning and invite all the young wives, and young mums with children to it. They could still get home in time to greet snoozing hubby having a lie in, and cook him a Sunday roast. Everyone was happy.

…except Dawn.

Shaun had been asked to help with this service by setting up the amplification and to run the technical equipment so that the microphones for the worship group and the priest were in the correct balance. The priest was an old fashioned type who had not considered that one of the women could do that. Anyway, he thought that Shaun would be good at chatting to the ladies and greeting them when they arrived.

Then an ‘earthquake’ happened. For the first time in her life, an eruption of insecurity and jealousy broke out from Dawn’s mind. How did she know that one of these lone women would not lure her husband away when she was snoozing in bed...just as their husbands were elsewhere in their own beds! Not having faith herself, and not really understanding that the source of his loyalty and commitment to her was as a result of his total reliance on God and on Jesus as his Lord; she felt very unsure and insecure.

On one hand she knew he loved her. But on the other, she knew how close people in the church became, and though, he said, it was a different type of love, she knew that they did in fact love each other even if they did call it agapé. She could hardly admit that she suddenly felt defensive about him, but she justified herself on the basis that he was very good looking. She was jealous. That made her feel worse.

What should she do?

Option 1: Forbid him to help with the new service. That was not very kind; nor was it likely to go well with him as he was a faithful member of the local church.

Option 2: Get him to swear an oath of allegiance to her every Sunday before he went! That was untenable, mistrustful and potentially patronising.

Option 3: Go to church with him and get to know everyone. That was unthinkable. Or was it? An unbeliever in church; shocking! Whatever next?

She went along.

Chapter 11 Marriage and interdenominational isssues

In an earlier chapter I alluded to issues as a result of being from different church denominations. Biblically it actually does not matter whether he is an Anglican and she is a Methodist, a Baptist, Pentecostal or whatever else; though there are plenty of Christians around who strongly believe that ‘their way’ of doing Christianity is the only valid way. The important thing is being sure of your faith and trust in Jesus Christ rather than the details or peculiarities of this or that denomination. Maybe I will irritate some people by saying that it is being secure in your Christian faith that matters most, not the ‘flavour’ or style of worship, prayer, or church organisational structure and so forth.

Living and working in another culture and another country may mean that a denominational shift becomes appropriate or necessary in order to find a church you enjoy. It is not realistic to expect everything to be the same as it is at home and that includes in church life too. Even sticking with the same denomination as ‘back home’ may generate a few surprises! Living as an expat’ will almost certainly involve having contact with denominations or styles of independent church that you had never previously heard of. However, crossing denominational boundaries does involve some new learning.

Seeking, understanding and experiencing fresh expressions of faith may have to take place in a spirit of cooperation, inquisitiveness and openness to see and absorb new things. It should probably be a mutual seeking, as a couple, as it is normally considered best to be attending the same church together, in unity. This is usually preferable to attending church separately in different parts of town, with different sets of teaching in progress, a different meetings-schedule, amongst differing sets of friends and contacts.  Though, surprisingly, this happens more than one might think and it is a great pity because it starves a couple of one whole area of joint activity and common ground that can be discussed and shared at home.

Being involved in mission for many years, in several geographical locations, has given us the wonderful opportunity of participating in, tasting and seeing many different Christian denominations in action. It has been a very rich and rewarding experience to attend so many different churches, become members of a smaller number and become friends with people of different beliefs; yet the paradox is that we were and are all Christians with essentially the same faith.

But still, it seems as though every denomination has their fair share of congregation members who are rigidly set in believing that theirs is the only legitimate way. At one church we attended a normal conversation opener was, “how long have you been a Methodist?” rather than “how long have you been a Christian?”

How can this be?

Meet almost any church leader and ask what sorts of things upset their congregation. Be ready for some shocks and surprises when you discover what people think is necessary and what is unnecessary in church life. I suggest that perhaps we should all try a different style of church at least once per year. Maybe this will encourage some more understanding among us all?

What has this got to do with marriage? Well, it often happens that a husband and wife grow up in different church traditions or no tradition at all, each coming to be a believer later in life. It is surprisingly common that one spouse likes a certain type of service and the other likes something different. It is surprisingly problematic and can be the cause of enormous upset and unease with in a marriage, even getting to the point where one attends St Paul’s in the town centre and another attends the Emmanuel Gospel Hall in the next town. Lack of unity and strength between the couple as they persistently pursue their separate Christian ways can be divisive to the relationship.

You don’t believe me? Perhaps I am exaggerating? However, if you have the courage to step out and explore churches to see and feel the differences, also have the determination to see the similarities too because they are more important.

Denominational differences

Here is a list; a few examples of things that not all Christian churches agree on. I have not named each of the denominations for fear of ruffling the feathers of very many church committees who may feel offended at being picked out! They would, I am sure, leap to their own defence.

Most of the practical things listed below originate from strongly held beliefs and practices in mainline Christian churches:

         Some are led by a hierarchical system of senior staff and Bishops, some are run by committee and some by the congregation themselves. Some churches are so independent they are apparently answerable to no one...except God.

         Some Christians drink alcohol; some do not and they strongly oppose it.

         Some baptise older children or adults as believers, by full immersion in water. Some baptise as an infant by sprinkling water, but have a ceremony of adult confirmation later. Some are happy with either. Some so rigidly follow the practise of full immersion as an adult that they reject infant baptism (followed by adult confirmation) as being the same as no baptism at all.

         Formality; some church leaders wear formal ecclesiastical robes, some wear a smart suit, some a T shirt and jeans, and some are somewhere in between. Some congregations dress formally, others happily go in their work clothes or shorts for the beach. Some services use candles, some do not. Some use incense, some do not.

         Some formalise the celebrating of Holy Communion, some are informal to the point of near chaos. Some use wine, some use grape juice, some use artificial soft-drink flavouring. Some use a silver chalice and some use individual glasses or even plastic vending machine cups. Some insist that an ordained pastor / minister officiates, others happily practice a do-it-yourself approach. Some admit children to participate, even distributing the bread and wine, and some do not.

         Some strictly stick to a maximum of an hour for services; others are still going strong two or three hours later.

         The person in charge might be called a Father, a Rector, a Vicar, a Curate, a Pastor, a Priest, a Minister, an Elder, or a Deacon. In some churches a female leader is happily accepted as normality; in others not at all, as leadership is perceived as male.

         Some churches actively encourage their congregation to read the Bible for themselves, others virtually forbid it.

         Some encourage all the members to engage in prayer for each other; some churches only permit prayer ministry by the Elders, the leadership or by those commissioned and accredited as official pray-ers. Some only permit men to minister to men and women to women; though there is less concern over women praying for men. Some denominations are very relaxed and just get on with it. Some only use official and liturgical prayer within a service, others invite extempore prayer in the service.

         Some are enthusiastic for modern songs of praise and worship, some prefer traditional hymns, some worship in silence. Some follow a liturgy and some are very informal indeed, and everything in between.

         Some have distinct preferences for certain modes of music, or none at all. How loud should the band be anyway? ‘Battles’ are fought over whether to use the organ, the guitar band, or nothing. More battles are fought over church choirs, and their robes, church organs, or none.

         Some sit to pray, some kneel, some stand. Some pray privately, some out loud publicly, some in tongues and some are vehemently against any expression of gifts of the Holy Spirit.

         Some churches are strong on doctrine and the worship of God, some concentrate on social ministry to people. Some do both.

I could go on listing the practical differences for pages, but it would serve little extra purpose. There are also a large number of theological differences between denominations that scholars would like to point out. But the essence of these examples is that we are all different; as different as our personalities and our character; as different as our preferences.

I have heard it reported that by the end of the 19th Century there were 2,000 Christian denominations and by the end of the 20th Century there were 3,400. Yet, I have also heard it reported that there are in excess of 600 denominations! I guess it depends on how you define a denomination and on the source of your information. Whatever the correct figure, it would appear that the variations of belief and practise are many and varied. How is it possible to say which one is right and which one is most Christian?

And does it matter? We all fall short in one way or another.

Couples and congregations

Do all couples like the same type of book, or the same genre of film? Do all couples agree on the type of food they eat? No, they do not. But those things are of more temporary concern than worship and church, which is of infinitely more significance than a film or TV programme! So it is very important for a couple to work together to find a church which suits them both well. Being apart for something as vital and deep as our spiritual development is a potential matter for concern.

Surprisingly, there are a number of people for whom a split arrangement apparently works well; but that does not make it the ideal. When two become one, signs of unity need to be public as well as private, though the signs will normally be different.

Stan and Fran were from a Mennonite Church which held strong views on displays of affection in public and had a distinct moral stance on standards of behaviour. The theological basis for this was clear to them and it would have been clear to a number of others, but the outworking of it in practice was quite restrictive; it applied even between husband and wife.

In public Stan and Fran never held hands or made any outward sign of affection, even discreetly. When invited to a social function they stayed with each other and never chatted independently with others. When the dancing started, they would not dance, not even with each other. At first I thought that they just did not like dancing, but actually their belief was that it is wrong. As for behaviour in church, they would never have allowed themselves or their family to move with the music, to demonstrate outward signs of worship.

What a contrast with the couples who worshipped hand-in-hand, side by side, clapping, jigging, dancing in the spirit, exuberantly gesticulating with raised hands and rumbling along to the syncopated beat at the Caribbean Pentecostal Church that I visited in Birmingham.

Who is right, and does it matter?

I suspect that God is pleased with the worship that comes from the heart and is motivated by selfless giving, to Him and Him alone. However, imagine the problems if a young couple from those two very different Christian backgrounds got together. Each having a born-again Christian faith; each expressing it in different ways that may be alien to the other’s background and understanding of church norms. Maybe it could actually be best to consider attending different churches? If this also happens at a time when cross-cultural change is happening in the couple’s lives, when boundaries are crossed and all is strange and challenging, potential crises can loom large on the horizon. At the very least, the stress levels will go up.

One of the greatest joys for Sandy and me has been learning the ability to adapt and change as we go along. This definitely includes in church life too.

We set out from a fairly plain and moderate Anglican background (colloquially called a low church) but travelling soon taught us to encompass the joys and jars of working in / with and belonging to or occasionally  attending Christian fellowships with different roots. Baptist, Methodist, Congregational, Presbyterian, Catholic, Evangelical, Independent, Bible Fellowships, Charismatic New Church, Pentecostal, Assemblies of God, Interdenominational, and so the list goes on if you include those Christians who we have worked alongside, often not knowing what denomination they were from. It simply did not matter and was rarely a topic of conversation.

As I said, one of the greatest joys we have had is being alongside each other in church, in church activities and in the flow of Christian ministry. Yet we have known couples who have specifically chosen to attend separate churches for very concrete reasons.

Though not Biblically or inherently wrong, it can be a negative drain on ones unity as a couple. It means that spiritual development and learning will be out of synch with each other. It means different sets of friends, which also mean differing circles of contacts. It means differing meetings schedules and different diaries. Though not in themselves bad, it does promote separateness and even some measure of division. That is the last thing marriages need!

Brian and Ryan were stationed in Colombo, Sri Lanka; they were a long way from home and they felt it. It was tough for them. Nothing seemed familiar; nothing seemed comforting. Even church was different. Different practices, different ways of doing things, different ways of saying things and even rituals and liturgy which had been ingrained in them since a young age were different. On top of that, church just wasn’t private any more. They had been used to their faith being behind closed doors, so to speak. Yet here, the back of the church was open to the street and anyone could stroll in. The church was culturally consistent with the layout of temples with open courtyards.  They could even see and hear the taxis hooting and rickshaw wallahs calling as they went past during services.

Back home they attended a quite progressive church that prided itself on meeting the needs of all in the congregation and there was a pattern of services that accommodated several styles of worship. On the first Sunday in the month the main service at eleven would be traditional with liturgy and conventional hymns, the earlier service at nine would be more upbeat and modern. There was a youth service in the evening where just about anything happened; so they thought. They hadn’t been to it though.

Through the month, first, second, third and fourth Sundays the pattern would change but the content did not; neither did the congregation. Brian and Ryan enjoyed it because each of their needs was met. They did not realise how fortunate they were. Even though she was a scholar of classical church music and loved playing the organ, it was alright that Brian hated classical music, because he played drums in the band. He preferred some unpredictability to it all and liked to “let the spirit lead.”

However, on arriving in Sri Lanka that blend of styles was not available. Expatriates either went to the Anglican Cathedral for the traditional service based on the Book of Common Prayer dating from 1662 or they went to one of the crop of International Evangelical churches that were springing up everywhere. A few who worked for Christian Missions had learnt Sinhalese in order to integrate and evangelise; and they attended one of the many local churches.

In the end, after feeling distant from one church or another they each opted to go to their own favourite. Ryan went to the traditional church in order to play the organ and Brian went to enjoy the freestyle approach at one of the International Churches.

The problem was, Brian was also away from home a lot of the time, monitoring programmes for an agency involved in reconstruction of villages and community development following the Tsunami in December 2004. Ryan was at home and the separation, the culture shock and the climate were all taking their toll. Ryan craved attention, craved conversation with Brian, but he was often out of reach. Even phone contact was not always easy.

When he was home, they were involved in different activities, had two different social circles and didn’t even worship side by side. Mid week home group meetings were at different places and with different people and were following different agendas.

In time Ryan was seeing more of her church family than her own family, her husband Brian. A man in her home bible study group had prayed for her one week when she shared the loneliness she felt. At first she did not notice, but little by little she came to appreciate his attention and his care and concern for her. She was shocked to realise that she rather liked him. But it was too late, the damage had been done, she continued seeing him more often than Brian, who attended the other church across town. She could not turn back the tide.

One day, Brian came back early from a trip having been able to catch an earlier plane than scheduled. Brian found that Ryan and the man from the Bible study group were experiencing a whole new meaning to seeing more of each other.

But you are a Christian Brian protested through the tears. You have always been a strong advocate of loyalty in marriage. What could Ryan say; Brian had persistently not been there when she needed support. Another man, at another church was the one to pray for her ...and meet her needs.

Of course it doesn’t always work out like this; but, be warned! Brian and Ryan did not see it coming either.

The results are not always so dramatic and such separations can often just lead to nothing more than a hollow feeling of general longing to do more together. Whatever the reason or circumstances that direct the two of you down diverging “rail tracks,” it is a wise couple who take time to shunt into the sidings for a while to reassess. When new plans emerge enabling the couple’s rails to converge closely, or even completely merge to be travelling the same tracks, then the relationship is more secure.

Clearly in this case, adaptability and flexibility were of great importance. Just how Ryan could adapt from a classical and traditional church background to a modern, loud, informal style of church service; or how Brian could have learnt the quieter and more contemplative approach blended with beauty of fine musical form is not for me to say. But maybe both would have learnt something of themselves, each other and of God, if that effort had been made. Brian and Ryan had helped each other through thick and thin, over many years. Why not this issue of adaptability too?

Of course, this is a church issue to. Churches (as in people, rather than buildings), you too have the responsibility to join in guarding over your congregations to ensure that fellow Christians do not run aground as Ryan and the man from the Bible study group did.

You know who is in need, you know who is lonely, you know who needs support; and if you don’t, why don’t you?

When we were in New Delhi in 1994, trying to settle in to living in India, kids settling into the school and enduring the seriously hot climate, we initially attended an independent Bible fellowship church that had quite a number of members. After about six months we had still not settled and we realised the reason was that they were not at all familiar with expatriates attending and they just did not know how to welcome us. They hardly knew what to say to us; but they did overcome their reticence when asking for a large donation to this or that! As foreigners we were assumed to be rich.

After six months there, if I was away travelling, Sandy would still be left entirely on her own after services surrounded by groups of Indian Christians in huddles having a great time, but not welcoming the stranger. Breaking into conversation was tough because even though the language of the services and the notice sheets was English, the chat afterwards was exclusively Hindi.

We left; to attend a different church. No one noticed.

This diversity to Christian belief and cultural understanding leads me to wonder whether there are significant numbers of Christian marriages which fall into strife or difficulty due to the breadth of beliefs that the couple have. The Internet has some circumstantial comment but its authoritativeness is unknown. Therefore I pose some questions and suppositions.

It is true that a Christian marriage is best placed to be consistent with Paul’s exhortation not to be yoked together with unbelievers. However, in our imperfect and troublesome world the very liberal Christian married to a very conservative Christian, an Anglican married to a Southern Baptist, a Catholic married to a Plymouth Brethren member...or any other noticeably divergent denominational belief may well have significant issues of marital disagreement to encounter. That is, in addition to those that will naturally arise in the normal course of daily life.

We have found in our life of mission and church involvement that it was, and continues to be, a very important issue for Sandy and me to have approximately similar views on our faith. That is made much easier in that we both shape our views by our understanding of Biblical truths.  That does not mean that we see everything in exactly the same way, but we do see them all in the same light. This in particular has been invaluable when praying for other people in church; people who have come forward for prayer, or perhaps for healing and ministry for some aspect of their life.

In Bangkok as an Elder of the church I was regularly involved in such prayer ministry and so was Sandy. There was a tendency for me to pray for the men and Sandy would pray for the women, but as other Elders were always present this was not exclusively so. Sometimes very particular issues to do with Bangkok came up; men who had got themselves into some form of trouble, or had strayed to the girly nightspots when away from home and were now full of remorse.

On one occasion a young couple visited and requested prayer for a deeply intimate crisis that had arisen, and the level of hurt and betrayal was significant. I immediately asked if they would feel more comfortable praying over such an issue if Sandy was also present. This they gladly agreed to and we took it from there.

Without the “woman’s touch”, Sandy’s insight into a woman’s psyche and without a great deal of concurrence of belief between the two of us, such prayer ministry may not have been useful.

In another church, thousands of miles to the west, in Africa, leadership was exclusively seen as male. Therefore, missionaries were really only regarded as the male half of a couple in mission. Somehow the wives were not quite regarded in the same way. A further complication arose in that the pastor, of many years experience, had only ever thought of mission in the sense of planting and nurturing new churches. He had never come across a missionary involved in Christian ministry that was not exclusively church-planting, but was focussed on the development of medical and social services for the alleviation of suffering, disadvantage, oppression and poverty.

There was a concept in the church that only the missionaries (i.e. the men) could offer prayer ministry. Furthermore, by implication, that meant the church-planters and evangelists.

After discussing this with the pastor, and him swallowing his surprise that there might be other aspects to mission, he then realised he had two more missionary men in the congregation. He then used to invite the missionaries...and Peter and John...to come forward to pray and lay hands on the congregation members who wished to have prayer. Clearly he had difficulty accepting that the two of us were also missionaries, because of not being church-planters...but also inviting wives forward to pray was a step too far.

Such denominational differences can certainly be upsetting for anyone, but in a world where women’s abilities, status, position, needs and qualities are so often cast aside (intentionally, or unintentionally due to lack of thought) such discouragements can hurt.

It is a wise husband who does all in his power to ameliorate archaic thinking which might degrade a wife’s God given abilities, talents and gifts.

Denominational and cultural differences in Christian churches do not stop here. Apart from the obvious teaching on morality that the Bible contains, the outworking of it is interpreted differently. It is not just on the larger issues as handed to us through the Ten Commandments, but many and varied grey areas of interpretation. The expression of the interpretation can be surprising even to other believers; so how surprising is it to non-believers who have stereotypical views of Christians? Who knows what they are thinking about us?

I would be one of the first to support standards and the way we, as Christians, behave. But the problem is that there is a very wide breadth of Christian interpretation of issues; for instance modesty and morality. While one Christian lady may dress modestly with deliberate intent not to flaunt flesh, but to enhance her feminine beauty by smart and attractive clothes, leaving the rest to the imagination and the serenity of her smile; another Christian lady may not see anything wrong in dressing skimpily with little support, little covering, and leaving nothing much to the imagination, save for one or two important little places!

Conversely, a missionary lady we worked with in a Muslim area took modesty to be a hallmark of her witness and even at the swimming pool of a private sports club remained fully dressed, with long sleeves and below-the-knee skirt, with added accessory of a chiffon scarf to cover her head. This dress was as much a mark of her denominational background as her residence in full view of Islam.

It is not only about women’s approaches to behaviour. Men have a big part to play in this and cross cultural working is a minefield of potential ways that men may intentionally or unwittingly contravene local standards. I had travelled in Indonesia several times, in official circles, before I realised that it is impolite for a man to shake hands with women. I wondered why they were always so reticent and unenthusiastic! But my actions would have seemed very forward. I hope they forgave me for being an ignorant foreigner.

Men also have the responsibility to choose how forward or familiar they are going to be in conversations with other Christian women or women in general. I have met a number of men of faith whose friendliness of conversation with Sandy may not be immoral but it certainly made me uneasy! There is a short step from friendly to familiar, from chatty to flirty. The interpretation of the difference may be clear-cut in some cultures and much more liberal in others. Therefore cross-cultural exchange man to woman can send quite the wrong or unintended messages.

Or alternatively, it can send the exactly intended message! A man working on a mission assignment with us was known for his smooth talking to the ladies. How his wife put up with it we never understood. He also had wandering hands and over- zealous greeting body-language. It was not hard to understand why Sandy’s response was frozen and distancing.

So it is in churches, between believers. The differences are so deeply imbedded that many of them are debatable as to whether they are denominational differences, religious differences or actually a cultural manifestation of a religious issue. The common denominator is that they can all have an affect on relationships and marriage, as can all the non religiously defined cross-cultural issues that we will explore in the next chapter.

Chapter 12 Marriage and cross-cultural living: 1

This chapter is the first of two on marriage and cross-cultural living. Chapter 13 goes on to highlight marriages from the same background, but living in a different culture.

The basics

Cross-cultural living for couples is tremendously interesting, positive and vibrant, giving experiences that most would choose again even if, theoretically, they lived their life again. Even people who have had a tough time crossing the cultural boundaries, after a time to reflect and recover, often admit that they would not have had it any other way.

There are however quite a number of influences that count as cross-cultural and which affect a person’s view of life, their character and tolerance, their feeling of comfort and vulnerability. These may or may not directly affect the marriage; or they may impose such stresses and strains that the marriage itself suffers a buffeting due to the general inability to cope. They shake up the ground-base of things we know, the familiar things; loss of which destabilises wellbeing and comfort levels. When someone ‘has to be blamed’ it is often the closest to us that suffer.

In Kabul, a society with cultural values formed from Islam, foreign women enjoyed more apparent freedom than the local women, but it had to be earned. Out and about on the street it was not a requirement to go about in full covering of face, head and arms as many local women did, wearing a chaadri; a full covering with only a square of  face-level mesh to look out through. But, it was expected that women dressed very modestly; long sleeves, headscarf covering much of the hair, blouse buttoned up to the top and a longish skirt.

Yet, despite this “freedom” Sandy still had to be very careful when talking to men in the bazaar (the market) to be demure and in particular not to look a man in the eye as she talked. Averting her gaze became a skill. Month after month of such actions soon start to erode confidence and unless a husband is careful to encourage and affirm in different ways, his wife may become very unsure of her own standing in the marriage.

In quoting such cultural features of life, all sorts of anomalies come to mind. It was expected that husbands would walk in front of their wife and certainly would not hold hands when out in the street. Yet it was expected for a husband to be constantly protective of his wife (who was walking behind) and if any lewd comments or wandering hands strayed from passing men, verbal retribution was expected; without which she was assumed to be fair game.

Husband and wife could not hold hands side by side, but in that society it is deemed normal for two men to walk along holding hands, or to stand in the street chatting face to face holding each other’s hand, and they often do. To disprove the rules, we did once see a soldier walking in the park with his wife (?), holding her hand which neatly appeared out from under her chaadri.

Was this understandable, in the circumstances, or not?  How would you keep an eye on your wife’s wellbeing if you are in front and she is trotting along at your heels?

Sometimes cultural influences come into play and cause all sorts of difficulties. It is certainly not always for wrong reasons that differences and dilemmas come about. Sometimes the mixed cultures in which we live these days cause there to be conflicting, but good, expectations. The following story is similar to the one in an earlier chapter, about Brian and Ryan choosing different Church denominations, but is different because it is not about choice; it is about positive expectations and family duty.

Ravi and Gabbie are of Indian descent but live in the United States in a town that has a very substantial ‘Indian’ population, even if legally they are Americans. It is a town with two distinct faces. The American-way culture of all things new and modern, full of opportunity and fresh ideas, yet fully Indian and fully traditional in views on family, honouring your parents and belief in a society structured on Asian values.

Most of the ‘Indian’ younger generation have never been to India, were born in the United States and identify with American ways of life more easily than the traditional Indian ways that they perceive as being behind the times and a vestige of life their parents or grandparents brought over with them.

Yet it is a tolerant society and the younger generation gladly follow the family ways. Ravi and Gabbie have been married sixteen years and so they really do feel free and in charge of their own lives, but are very pleased to honour their father and mother in whatever ways will enable them to remain happy parents. Both sets of grandparents are alive too.

As we have already seen in an earlier chapter, in much of Indian society the tradition on the joining of two families by a marriage is for the bride to go away to the groom’s family to live. She becomes, in many and most ways, a new addition to the husband’s family. Even in America such family bonds are important and the tradition continues to some extent even if they live in a separate family home, set apart from the husband’s parents’ home.

But the family bonds remain. Ravi feels a need to support his father in his church, to go where his parents and grandparents go. To help them with all sorts of practical issues that are required on a Sunday morning. It is to do with honouring father and mother. It is a very important Indian concept; irrespective of religious background.

Unfortunately the style of worship there is not particularly modern and Gabbie has been ‘tearing her hair out’ some Sundays with frustration at the staid, conservative and traditional way of doing things.

Gabbie much prefers the fellowship, the modern music, and the general hubbub of people from the Evangelical Church, which meets several miles away in the same city. It is the focus of lots of Christians from all over the world. She would dearly love Ravi to attend there too as, to her, it seems so much more alive and vibrant.

However she feels duty bound to go to the older traditional church with Ravi for the sake of Christian and marital harmony. To be seen to be honouring ones parents in Indian society is considered essential. To be seen to be honouring your husband as a dutiful wife is vital.

It would be easy to write that Gabbie should do her own thing, go to church on her own and not worry about it. She can always catch up with Ravi later for a fuller explanation of what happened in the service...or can she?

Ravi and Gabbie wrestled with this for quite some time and never really got to the end of it all. The compromise that worked well for Ravi and Gabbie was for each to attend their preferred church on two Sundays; on the third Sunday they would both go to Gabbie’s preferred church and on the fourth Sunday they would both go to Ravi’s father’s church. This way they were each at their preferred church for three out of four Sundays.

Not an ideal or comfortable solution but it solved the cultural dilemma of not knowing who to honour.

Marriages of mixed culture or race

Much of what has been said of marriage so far would be valid for, or could be adapted to, all marriages whether they are in their own culture or not.

When changing cultures all sorts of additional pressures come along which reveal chinks in the armour of the marriage. Small irritations become bigger, big irritations become unmanageable. Irritations lead to a general unease in the living situation and stress and strain usually creep in, though not necessarily so for everyone. Some people relish change and are invigorated by cultural differences; some are not.

People of some nationalities have reputations for certain character traits; some reputations are justified and some are not, or are just the product of unkind stereotyping. We can all give examples of which nationality is like this or that, but I decided not to elaborate and give examples in order to avoid the imprudence of perpetuating the ideas.

On one mission assignment, living out our lives in close proximity to others, there were two separate women of the same nationality, each married to husbands of different nationalities. The women’s nationality was well known for being straight, demanding, even severe and dictatorial. Everything had to be done the ‘right’ way (i.e. their perceived right way).

Sandy came into some disagreement with them both and it had a long lasting mortifying effect on her, not being used to others also having such strong opinions and being prepared to speak them out. The issue rested on her heart for months and even after transferring away to another assignment, still lived with her.

She decided to write and apologise and make amends; asking forgiveness for her part in the issue. They wrote back astounded, not having any memory of the event. For them it had not been a crisis or a matter of contention. It had been a normal exchange of tough-talk according to their culture.

Though the event unfolded in a way we had to deal with as a couple, it also was in danger of affecting my relationship with the women, with whom I had to relate in my own work. Imagine the effect of such a situation of cross-cultural difference, mixed with inevitable character differences, if it had happened between husband and wife of different nationalities. I suppose such differences are commonplace in marriages of mixed culture, but at least the couple will already understand the way that their spouse reacts.

Such a gulf of differences in outlook can cross even more sensitive boundaries too.

In my mission work, travelling widely throughout Asia and Africa, there were occasions when officials offered me hospitality in the form of prostitutes ‘to keep me warm at night’. Colleagues experiences similar offers. Obviously I never accepted, finding culturally acceptable ways to say ‘No’, but the issue could have become a major irritant to Sandy if it had generated mistrust and jealousy in her mind.

For some wives it is not the fact of having accepted, or not, that would become the problem. Just the thought that her husband was being put into temptation would be enough to create marital earth-tremors. It goes without saying that it would be most destructive to the majority of marriages, and nearly all Christian marriages, if the husband had accepted.

But, in many countries, and sub cultures within countries, it is not considered to be wrong at all...from the male perspective anyway. It is viewed as good and proper hospitality to be provided to a visiting businessman. Such cross cultural clashes of perceived morality have to be handled very sensitively.

It goes without saying that an exciting love life at home is one of the best preventive measures one could take to avoid having a straying spouse when they / you are away travelling. Or indeed, a straying spouse even when they are at home.

A friend once described it like this to me; men (or women) do not steal a dented Toyota when there’s a top-of-the-range sporty Porsche in the garage at home!

Pierre and Claire grew up very differently. Pierre is French and grew up in a very happy home in West Africa. His parents were both missionary doctors who had met at a small mission hospital in Niger in the late 1940s shortly after the Second World War. They were still French Colonial days and the French cultural influence was all pervasive to society; particularly amongst the expatriates. He had gone to school there and he grew up alongside French children, played with French children, ate French food and ...felt French. He had a flamboyant air to him and had smoked Gauloises cigarettes, to his parents’ disapproval, since a young age.

He had a strong Christian faith and wanted to follow in his parents’ footsteps, but in a different way. He wanted to minister to illegal immigrants and asylum seekers who flooded over to Europe from Francophone West Africa. Some gained official approval to stay, some hid from the authorities, and most were very underprivileged. All were in need of food, housing and basics to avoid grinding poverty.

Claire was, quiet, studious, somewhat introvert but a very stabilising influence on the marriage. She was beautiful; a stunning good-looker and had led a restricted lifestyle being brought up in a convent school in Ireland, where she was born. She was an orphan. Her mother had become pregnant as a teenager and had gone to the convent to have the baby, to hand her over to the sisters, and be returned to her home town after the confinement.

“Visiting my aunt in the country” is what it was called.

Claire grew up more or less happily, though in quite a strict environment. She had definite views on faith, morality and sanctity of marriage. Sexual relations outside marriage were not only a taboo, they were unthinkable.

Claire was swept off her feet by Pierre’s Gallic charm when they met at an international Christian conference in Dublin. He was everything that a girl could want, everything that a convent educated girl could aspire to. Strong, handsome, talented, romantic, a man of faith, and he was so manly too!

But, she did nag him about the Gauloises cigarettes; so smoky, so pungent. His breath reeked of cigarettes all day, and kissing him was a challenge!  But he was gorgeous and she adored him. He loved her with passion and found her puritanical faultlessness alluring. They married the following spring and settled for a while in Westport, County Mayo. They enjoyed spectacular walks along the nearby beaches and, coincidentally, sometimes took the boat out to Clare Island for a picnic. That was Pierre’s idea of a romantic treat.

Time went by and eventually they fulfilled Pierre’s vocation to the French-speaking African migrants to France. Living in France was nice in some ways, but it was quite a culture change for Claire. She liked trips to the theatre and the art galleries. She adored cafe culture, chatting to friends over coffee, watching the world go by.

But she found the wider social scene of France quite troubling. She hated the attention her husband got at social gatherings, and she hated the seemingly predatory approaches of other men as they came to chat to her. She couldn’t stand them kissing her on both cheeks and standing so close. That’s just not how she had been brought up; men should keep their distance as, actually, she was married to Pierre.

In time Claire found French social culture more and more oppressive and did not want to go out. Pierre just loved the way of life and revelled in it. It was heaven on earth for him and so he was not keen on settling in Ireland, as she suggested.

In due time, she found out that he had been having an affair for several months. When she was under the impression he was helping African asylum seekers with their official applications for papers, helping with social services and poverty relief, he and another social worker at the church were sometimes entertaining each other rather more intimately. Once it was known, Pierre no longer enjoyed the chase and he asked to be forgiven by Claire.

In an effort to ease the stress he agreed to move back to Ireland. Pierre was restless, full of remorse, but the damage was done. Thus they started the journey of a thousand miles; one step at a time, sometimes two steps forward and one step back. Sometimes the journey seemed longer than one thousand miles on foot, sometimes it seemed unachievable.

The journey to reconciliation, repair and forgiveness is a most fragile and dangerous journey to make and, for some, it is a journey that has no end. Pierre and Claire are still together, but the pain is beyond anything else Claire ever experienced and it never goes away. In sleepless nights, sleep is elusive, but the memories persist through the insomnia. Sometimes there’s nothing more that can be said and a simple hug or Pierre’s outreached hand holding the tip of her finger says it all.

Of course not all risk for marriage derailment is sexually motivated. Sometimes small issues of resentment can become inflated into bigger issues. Not many people can wrestle with an African lion when they only feel equipped, trained and experienced to groom a domestic cat! They feel an inability to deal with something that has become a giant, but could have been kept well within proportion, if they had thought ahead more constructively.

Hugh and Sue were working in Hanoi. He was a senior executive with an international bank. They were both Christians and were active members of the international church there. This made them quite conspicuous as the surveillance of churches by the authorities was still quite strict at that time. Hugh was an Elder of the church and Sue was the Chairman (she hated the political correctness that called her the ‘Chair’!) of the Church Social Outreach and Development Board. She also worked part time as a teacher in a local school.

Hugh travelled away from home from time to time. He had managerial responsibility for the bank’s foreign currency trading in several countries of South East Asia. Hugh was under massive stress and tiredness due to the travelling, but also because of the Eldership responsibilities at church.

It was a fascinating time for them because Sue’s father had been imprisoned in Hanoi in the early seventies, during the U.S. war with Vietnam. He had been a bomber pilot and had been shot down. He had spent several days on the run, in the jungle, before being picked up and incarcerated in jail as a prisoner of war. Hugh and Sue were trying to trace where her father had been taken and what had happened to him. Her father remained stressed about his experiences and many years ago had started drinking, eventually becoming violent to Sue’s mother.

Because of this experience, and also because her home church denomination was vehemently anti-alcohol, she would show disapproval of her husband’s taste in beer. This was a problem for Hugh as he had been brought up differently, from a different church culture in which drinking alcohol in moderation was acceptable.

He also needed to drink socially with colleagues when at business dinners and, besides, he quite liked a cold beer at the end of a day or when completing a long hot journey. A cold beer at sundown was a nice relaxing way to wind down. He normally only had one glass.

Eventually, when they had a baby, Sue felt so unhappy about Hugh’s “drinking” that she decided to take a strong stance to protect their child from knowing that Dad was “a drinker.”

“Sometimes we women need to take a stand for what we believe in”, she told her sister back in the States, by email. “I’m getting rid of the beer!” Her sister agreed wholeheartedly, quoting what their pastor had said in his sermon only last Sunday. It was a recurring theme in their church to the extent that other parts of the Bible seemed to be absent; missing out all reference to tolerance and discernment. Not perceiving the division this would cause between Sue and Hugh, her sister agreed with the action.

Perhaps Sue should have discussed a husband-issue with her husband, instead of with her sister?

Hugh drove home one day, quite stressed and tired, looking forward to a beer on the veranda while he cuddled his baby son and chatted to Sue about the day. He loved that time of day, to luxuriate in Sue’s company, learning to enjoy his baby’s gurgling, and to let the troubles of the day drift away. Getting home and finding there was now no beer in the fridge was a shock! Decisive unilateral action had been taken in his home and he had not been a part of it. It was a strained conversation but the result was that he went out to the local bar to get a beer.

Over the following months, he started to call in at the bar on the way home, and chat to the regulars there, instead of chatting to his wife Sue on the verandah and then going back out. It was easier that way; and less confrontational. As he got to know the regulars more and more he sometimes had two beers, and three, and more. One day after a terrible meeting with the Director of Operations at the bank, he thought he might be made redundant. He was shocked. Instead of going home to chat to Sue about it he went to the bar, to his drinking mates, then a night club and...then he was missing for several hours. He couldn’t face Sue after drinking seven beers and some whiskey too. She would bawl at him.

Sue was in a panic and she just knew it was the demon drink that was to blame. “Men are all the same!” Just as happened to her father, the root cause was alcohol.

“There you are; proof!”

However, was it? Or was the source of the problem Sue’s unbending attitude that couldn’t have allowed Hugh even one beer at home each day? The fridge could have held seven cans of beer each week without corrupting the household. If she had allowed one drink in restrained moderation, as he had previously diligently done for many years, wouldn’t he still be at home with her, no worse the wear for one can of beer, but essentially at home with her, beside her, chatting, together, and having time to play with their son.

Maybe this story is familiar to you? Maybe you agree or disagree with the sentiments expressed about alcohol, but the core of the story is that tolerance and creative thinking are needed at every twist and turn in a marriage. For you the issue might be something different and it takes skill to spot the things that can have other consequences. The realisation is that the most obvious answer is not necessarily the best solution.

Cross-cultural marriages can sometimes be more complicated in the country of ethnic origin than when you are apparently ‘not from there’. Much of Europe and America have very multi-cultural populations. Cross-cultural marriages are commonplace and accepted to the extent that, often, people do not notice any more.

But there are many parts of Asia and Africa where it is most normal to be ethnically and indigenously ‘from there’. It would cause quite a stir in the average Vietnamese village if an ordinary lady rice farmer were to marry an Anglo-Saxon from Manchester, and both remain living in the village. The man from Manchester would be quite a source of interest and novelty. Or, if a blonde Swedish lady married a village chief in Nigeria she would certainly attract attention, either because of looks or because of food, manners, mannerisms, and ways of living or language.

In these days of cultural sensitivity and political correctness in Europe regarding racism or perceived issued of racism, it is interesting to note that not all countries have the same response. This is especially so in countries with a variety of ethnicities, such as India, which also has the heritage of the caste system to wrestle with, even though it is officially defunct. Many African nations struggle with inter-tribal strife which is so strong these days that inter marriage between groups can lead to disagreement and division.

I spent some months working in southern India and when the locals heard I would be transferred to northern India they gravely warned me about the dangers of living ‘up there’.  In their eyes it was as if I was to be transferred to the barren wastes of danger.

“They are barbarians; I do hope you will take care. They are just not safe up there; you must look after yourself.”

Then there would be a string of scare-stories about this or that event that had happened to a friend, or their brother. There were stories of slit throats and kidnappings, angry mobs and unrest.

Likewise in the north of India, once I got there, they heard that I had been working in the south and a number of people asked me how I had managed ‘down there’,

“...where people are so dull and uncultured.” So it was said.

By inference they wanted to know how it was possible to communicate with such country folk who lacked sophistication, competitiveness and drive.

They obviously chose to be unaware of the south’s enviable educational record, networks of hospitals and their business mega-successes in the cyber-industries of Bangalore and other major southern towns.

Obviously these stereotypical views did not prove authentic in practice, but that was the perception and opinion of those I met. Just a few racial differences in origins became magnified into ogre-like mistrust of those from different places; those who were different, despite the same nationality.

Even religious differences cannot be entirely targeted with the blame despite the fact that there is a Christian leaning in the south and a Muslim and Sikh leaning in the north; the Hindu majority is overall. Indeed there is a broad mix of religions in most states of India.

The worldwide assumption is that if people look or even sound different, they are different. Remember my earlier examples of differing viewpoints between the north of England and the south of England?

That being so, imagine how locals would handle such conversations in the north of India if they suddenly found I was married to a lady from the south, or vice versa. Such is the nature of cultural misunderstanding and it seeps deep into society at every level. It is not only biases that affect us, but also differing backgrounds and real-life experiences too. This was a painful lesson for Eric and Dominique.

Eric is British and Dominique is from Burkina-Faso in West Africa. They were both aid workers and had met on a child-health survey and field trip for the U.N. In no time at all, they had rearranged their lives, married and were living in Mali, another French speaking country of West Africa. What good fortune that Eric had been brought up in his early years in France, and spoke fluent French, where his father had been an art curator for a famous museum.

Having been brought up in the EU under all the mass of health and safety legislation, it was normal and natural for Eric to take safety seriously. It had been ‘in the blood’ from an early age.  Dominique on the other hand had grown up accepting life more fatefully and she accepted God’s provision for her and her family as a finite blessing. It had been natural to pray before and during long, and even short, journeys.

As is the custom in African marriages Eric and Dominique produced a child in no time at all; about nine months to be precise! Little Joseph was born and his doting parents loved and cared for him. However Eric was distraught that there were no safety car-seats available for babies in Mali. He couldn’t track one down anywhere in the neighbouring countries either.

He fretted about this day and night and on every trip they made in the car. Dominique couldn’t understand the problem; all her life she had travelled on her mothers lap in the front of the car. Despite a number of car crashes around her, she had survived well. So why wouldn’t Joseph? Was Eric more distrustful of Africa because it was Africa? Did he just not understand her or the African roads at all?

Eric, preceding every car-seat conversation with,

“But you don’t understand, it is necessary because...”

...did not help matters and soon Dominique was sure Eric was being critical of the culture she came from, or was he being condescending because she was a woman, or even worse, was he a racist?

Even when Eric did manage to obtain a car seat from a departing diplomat, and he fitted it, all the locals asked why it was needed. Dominique always had difficulty answering this question when they were in Burkina-Faso because she had to explain it to her relatives, who thought the same as her anyway. The locals expected her to understand their ways, and they expected to understand her. But when she tried to explain, unconvincingly, she failed to communicate with kith and kin too. That, added to the failure to communicate with her husband about it, was all very difficult to bear.

She wanted to protect Joseph, wanted to be loyal to Eric, wanted to honour her parents and wanted to be true to her culture. But fitting them all together was tough.

Joseph just smiled and burped, dribbled and charmed everyone around. He lay there in total trust of his mother and father who provided his every need; even in the car.

Dominque wanted to trust her heavenly Father for her every need, without upsetting Eric. But the car safety-seat came in handy too...

Stress and strain in marriage might not only come from within. It might be as a result of concern over how the marriage is seen from outside. Certain cultures are not as apparently polite and private as we might expect. They are however not being as rude and intrusive as we think, as from their perspective it is not rude to intrude. It is just being curious, or interested in you.

These intrusions can come in many forms from the relatively innocuous, such as being asked how much your salary is. Or they can be more insensitive with questions about why you do not have any children. Maybe there will be persistent speculation in your host village that there are no children because one or other is infertile or the husband is impotent. Maybe there will be whispered suggestions of there being a lover. There will hardly be any consideration of the couple merely deciding to leave it a while before having children. The general concept in rural Africa and Asia is that one usually has children at the earliest opportunity. It is virtually an expectation.

One’s private life, as a couple, can be on display in a way that would be unthinkable back home. This takes cultural adjustment of magnitude. To reveal to the neighbours, in a ‘foreign land’ what you would not normally reveal to folks back home is a major barrier to cross in cultural adaptation.

Sam and Pam were missionaries and worked for the Anglican Church of Uganda. Sam was well known as the diocesan administrator for the Bishop. Pam was a Bible teacher and coordinator for the women’s groups in the Diocese. So, both had high profile jobs in the area.

On packing to go there, they had been told that “everything is available, you do not need to bring much as it is all here.” The problem was that “everything” was a relative term and was from the perception of someone who did not know or understand what really was available outside in other countries. Because the Ugandan shops now stocked more, and had better variety than ever could have been imagined a generation ago, the assumption was that Uganda was now a land of plenty and had ‘everything’.

Having asked more searching questions about medical supplies and even availability of contraceptive pills, Pam travelled with only a few months’ supply. On getting there they found that the brand available was of a different balance of the hormone supplements than she was used to. Even after trying them, they did not suit her due to causing a rise in blood pressure.

There was no alternative but to switch over to condoms, which were sometimes available in the village.  Sporadic supplies led to sporadic sex, which was an added frustration to overseas living. Then one day by accident Pam found out how the locals avoided this problem. Pam visited a house in the nearby town and, visiting on washing day, was taken aback to see the washing being hung out to dry on the line, with washed condoms also pegged out to dry in the sunshine.

It takes quite a cultural adjustment to adapt to hanging your washed condoms out on the line for the world to see. But where there’s a will there’s a way.

Go back fifty years and, in many places, cross cultural marriage was seen as being not a good idea. And if it included a mix of skin colour, was even less appreciated. Go back further and in some countries you would come across outright opposition, legal bars or people being ousted from their communities. Indeed in a smaller number of countries this would have happened much more recently and I daresay there may be a few places where opposition still reigns.  In my lifetime I can remember attitudes along the lines of, “well they are just not like us are they.” Or alternatively “they just don’t have the same standards, you see.”

Such opposition can get in the way of couples wishing to get engaged and is deeply upsetting to find there is less than enthusiastic encouragement for their wedding. This might be from one or both sides of the family. There might be legal issues of nationality and residence permit to overcome for the new wife or new husband, depending where they settle.

Dean and Eileen met at university in Shanghai. He was British and studying Chinese traditional medicine and he hoped to set up a clinic one day in Leeds, in northern England. Eileen was a professional translator increasing her skills to include translating Mandarin to German.  Actually her name was really Ai Ling, but she was so used to meeting foreigners who frequented the business meetings of Shanghai that she simplified her name by calling herself Eileen.

Both being Christians their relationship grew by meeting at church too; their relationship blossomed and they became inseparable. They were always together, always supporting each other in their work. In due time they became engaged to be married and everyone said what a lovely couple they made. It seemed to be destined as a marriage ‘made in heaven’. Relatives were consulted; the date set and everyone looked forward to the event. They were so in love, what could be better?

Dean’s parents were quite traditional but moved with the times on important issues like this. But a friend of theirs commented one day,

“Ah, it’s such a pity. I feel so desperately sorry for Dean’s mother. She must be heartbroken. Dean could have had any English girl he chose; there are so many nice ones here. Eileen is just not the same.”

The point is, even if it were true that Dean could have married any girl of his choice, which is rather doubtful anyway, the girl he wanted was Ai Ling...And she was just lovely. She was exactly what Dean wanted.

Opposition can arise from such unsuspected sources. Though this example is about cross-cultural marriage attitudes and they met at university, it so easily could have happened to those in mission. It is a frequent occurrence for someone to go out to their work in mission, supporting the local church or as an aid and development worker, and find someone there that they want to marry.

These days too, thankfully, mission is not all about going from the West to the East...or any other such similar old fashioned notions. It also frequently happens, maybe even more often than the old traditional way, that people go from Africa to Europe, Asia to Latin America, Asia to Asia, or Far East to the United States. It is a cross-cultural world, with an increasing emphasis on globalisation, increasing cross-border and intercontinental travel for work, settling, asylum and studying. Therefore it is also likely that a cross-cultural relationship could spring up on your doorstep, so to speak.

Mysteries are what people embark upon when they start to love someone. It takes ages to find out everything about the person we love and are married to. Just this morning, after thirty years together, by accident in casual conversation over breakfast I found out something that I did not know about Sandy. She had been a senior prefect at school!

How can I have known her, have climbed inside her life to the extent that we have lived; lived intensively, extensively and fully, and not known that? It is almost beyond belief. What else do I not know? What other surprises are scheduled to come up when we have been together forty years, fifty years, or sixty years? No point in worrying about after sixty years as I expect she herself will have forgotten details beyond that!

If that is possible for us, imagine the surprises that await people who marry cross culturally and have only known each other a few months. It can be difficult because when people are from different cultures they see things differently, they have different attitudes to revealing information (or not); differing attitudes to what constitutes necessary communication and what should or should not be said or done. All this has to be found out and has to be understood in its right context before big misunderstandings happen, and hurt sets in.

Maurice and Doris met in Cameroon. Maurice was actually working as a missionary in Nigeria but had taken some of his leave there, when he met Doris at a mutual friend’s house. After months of corresponding, and a few trips to and fro it became obvious that their relationship was blossoming.

Maurice and Doris found all sorts of things about each other odd. Some of the things were fun to find out about, but others were alarming. For a start, why did Maurice assume that they would one day go and live in Canada, where he originally came from? What a strange thing to do; why would he want to do that when she knew that the nicest place to live was Cameroon? And, besides, why would he want to go and live in a place that, in winter, can become colder than a domestic freezer?

Not having been to Canada, she assumed all sorts of things. Some were true and some were not.

As for Maurice, he was really rather unperturbed by everything until one day after they had become engaged he suddenly found he was missing a vital bit of information to the puzzle. Why was Doris intent on going back to her village, to see the elders? What was the rush? They had not set a date for the wedding yet, so couldn’t the round of visits to officials and distant relatives wait a bit?

Oh, no it couldn’t wait at all. Doris had to get there pronto. And there were ceremonies to have, people to consult and the blessing of the village elders to seek. Maurice tried to slow it down, Doris tried to speed it up. Maurice began to feel claustrophobic and became uncertain and apprehensive.

...Till one day Doris realised something important. Her bafflement about living in a country that was essentially a freezer was the same as Maurice’s trepidation at visiting her village.

She explained. After an engagement it is essential to seal the marriage, to gain permission and authority from the village elders before embarking on a life with someone else, and certainly before getting married. It was part of the protocol; but it also meant that leaving the relationship after engagement and absconding before the wedding would be seriously damaging to Doris’s honour to the extent that the elders would track Maurice down and force the issue.

Engagement was not seen as an on or off arrangement with the possibility to pull out before the wedding. It was not a loose arrangement; it was virtually the marriage, but without the living together and consummation.

“Ah, that explains it,” Maurice said. They struck a deal. He would visit the village, and she would visit Canada. Then there would be more chances for conversation and understanding.

Many peoples, of all ethnicities, tribes, nations, colours, races and religions have an inherent belief in their own existence and a desire to remain true to their roots. These roots have so often been a struggle to maintain and some parents, even these days, aspire to seeing their family continue in the same ways and culture.

Nasreen was a nurse from Khulna in Bangladesh. In her twenties, only a couple of years after graduation she had become increasingly concerned about the declining health of her father but was unable to help sufficiently with his medical costs, on her modest wages.

Her family were Muslims, but were fairly liberal in their opinions and it was a point of celebration that Nasreen had been able to secure a job, nursing at a Christian mission hospital. There had been a lot of amiable interaction between the Muslims and the Christians since the major floods of the early 1990s when the Christian community had rallied support from outside and had freely distributed aid, housing materials, food and medicine to the whole town. Not just to the Christians. Since that time they had lived happily side by side in an expression of mutual respect.

One day she heard about an opportunity to go to England, to extend her studies and to receive an allowance at the same time. That sounded too good to be true but after investigating it with the help of the hospital’s medical director, it was verified and she applied for a place. Long weeks of waiting passed, but eventually she was interviewed, accepted and assigned to the course based in Manchester. She became fearful, of the change of country, the cold weather she had heard of, and about so many other things, but her father’s illness convinced her to see it through so she could send money home.

She went, she studied, she worked hard, she sent money home, her father bought medicine, she became more highly qualified, she got a well paid job in the UK...and she met a man.

Dean was such a nice chap. Oh he was lovely; just lovely. Not rough and tough like the other men she had met; mostly with no faith. He was a Christian and he shone for Jesus in everything he did, just like the Christians who had helped out with flood relief after the cyclone which swamped Khulna all those years ago. He was an echo of home, something familiar, someone caring and sensitive and a man of God. OK, she thought, he has got it all wrong and he thinks Jesus is the son of God, but who cares? At least he is a Godly man, a righteous man.

Nasreen and Dean became soul-mates. He tentatively took her to Church with him and in one momentous, memorable and moving occasion she gave her life to Jesus. She wanted to be like Him (Jesus), like him (Dean) and like them (the Christians of Khulna).

With shaking hands and sweated brow she wrote to her father to recount all the events as they had happened...

...at home in their modest home in Khulna her father read with pride all her daughter Nasreen had achieved, all she had enjoyed, he was proud of the job, her work and it did not even surprise him that she had become a Christian. As a moderate man he could see that it made sense to her life to be like the people who had saved them all those years ago. But the worst was to come; she was asking permission to marry an Englishman. An Englishman!!!!!

What had happened, what had got into her head, what was she thinking? An Englishman! What could be worse? Did Nasreen not understand the insult, the slap that this would feel for him a proud and upright Bengali who had grown up, and sometimes suffered, under days of the British Raj? And, he suspected, but Nasreen had not said, Dean would be white too! Then everyone would know as soon as they saw the grandchildren! There was no option but to cut her off from the family.

Nasreen married Dean one cold December day, beside a Christmas tree in church. It was an agony and ecstasy of a day suffering the bleakness of winter on her family past; yet the joy of springtime with the best Christmas present ever; Dean and a family future.

When I met Dean and Nasreen, it was twenty five years later. They were running a Christian ministry supplying aid to disaster victims throughout South East Asia. Their family was grown up. Father had died long ago, yet Nasreen still choked over the disappointment she had brought on her father, and the shame he felt. Family ties and cultural heritage run deep, they always will, but her love for Dean remained and ran deeper still.

Chapter 13 Marriage and cross-cultural living: 2

This chapter is the second of two on marriage and cross-cultural living. Chapter 12 focussed on marriages of mixed culture and race. This one points the spotlight to the one which is possibly the most common situation for couples in mission:

Marriages of same culture, but living in another culture

In some cultures it is the norm of acceptability for some physical contact between men and women, even when only a casual acquaintance. The problem is, when crossing cultural boundaries you may not know the level of acceptability till you have been there a while. Adapting to giving or receiving more, or less, contact can be difficult.

For instance, if going from a very reserved and reticent culture to one that finds it normal to kiss and hug visitors, or to dance together demonstrably, as in Latin American countries, it would not be surprising for a husband or wife to experience a rising of latent jealousy...even though they both are just fitting in with the local norms of hospitality.

Even some of reticent British culture, especially in Christian circles, has changed from a polite but distant handshake to a hug or a feigned peck on the cheek; for some anyway. Despite that, it can feel somewhat strange to encounter men from The Netherlands who routinely greet any woman they meet socially with a definite kiss on each cheek and back again for a third kiss on the cheek initially kissed. That, at first seems a touch over indulgent, until you get used to it.

You may or may not find that strange, it may even sound trivial, but the next real life story would be a tricky situation for most people.

Trev and Bev went to a remote Pacific island, on a work visit, where the norm is for all, men and women, residents and outsiders, to go topless. To do otherwise is an affront to the local chief. They did not find out till they were already on the boat; they were approaching the landing jetty and were taken aback when the passengers, men and women started stripping off to the waist. Somewhat surprising for Trev and horrifying for Bev; a feeling of panic set in.

This situation would be quite surprising and not easy to adjust to for many people, despite the fact that on many European beaches topless lack of attire is fairly normal. However, walking about in town and visiting the shops, going to business meetings and travelling around has a different feel to it if topless. In this case it was Trev and Bev who felt awkward about it but, as a married couple it was not embarrassing to each other. How much more embarrassing for both would it have been if Trev had been travelling with his female secretary or assistant; or if Bev had been travelling with a male colleague?

Many people, including Christian missions’ personnel, from many countries and backgrounds might well have some problem with this. What would you do in this situation, on a boat and unable to escape landing at the jetty; what would your feelings say to you? But, visiting as a guest for official meetings, it is hard to offend your host, the local chief. There’s the dilemma.

This example may sound unbelievable; it actually happened to a Christian colleague and his wife while on an official visit for a mission.

Some cultural adjustments affecting a marriage are more or less self-imposed rather than being a feature of the host country itself. That does not, however, make them easier to avoid. By doing the thing which is perceived to be the ‘right thing to do’ we put pressures on ourselves. In these examples it is not easy to say what the right thing to do is, and what it is not. Each couple will have a different answer and their answer might or might not stand the test of time.

The danger is that the ‘right thing’ perceived and done at the time, might be revealed as a mistake later. That means there is the potential for stress and strain at the time (for doing the ‘right thing’) and stress and strain added to guilt later when you realise that the ‘right thing’ was actually the ‘wrong thing.’ You became confused.

Complicated? Read on.

As our children were growing up, we decided that we certainly did not want to send them away to boarding school. We searched our hearts and prayed about this knotty problem and came to the conclusion that in our case it was not right.

Many mission couples make various permutations of other decisions, which suit them...or even do not suit them but seem the only way to go ahead. Some mission organisations are very sympathetic to children’s and parents’ needs, others are not so flexible and take the line that mission comes first, family second and for that they will pay for a good school elsewhere. By that, all feel their material obligations have been met.

Sandy and I were very fortunate and did not need to send our boys away to boarding school in the same country or back home. They lived with us throughout their childhood; a factor that enabled us to continue in mission for longer, rather than shorter. For each of our assignments one of the factors for consideration and decision making was the availability of good schooling.

One posting that was considered for us was for me to be Diocesan Treasurer to a Church Diocese in Pakistan. The arrangements were explained to us as being ‘alright’ because the system for children worked like this. The children would not suffer at all really, partly because the international school at Murree is so excellent and partly because all the children there are from similar backgrounds. They get on so well together that life there is a lot of fun.

We were unconvinced;

“Um yes we can see that, but even if it is true, WE do not want to be without our children. They will miss us. We will miss them.”

“Oh that’s no problem at all because what happens is that for the six months of the hot season down on the plains, most of the mission-wives go up to Murree and take lodgings near the school to be with the children. Some children move in with Mum when she is there.”

My brain started working; the cogs were turning and I realised what was being said,

“So, let me get this straight; you want us to go to a very hot place on the plains in Pakistan, hot and dusty, water shortages, work pressures, thousands of miles from home. Our children go away from home for at least half of the year when the school is operating, plus more because of severe hot weather. Then when it gets really hot my wife also heads for the hills to be with the children. And I am left on the plains, working, with no wife, no children. That does not sound like much of a bargain to me.”

The scenarios expanded in my mind and I saw that the mission wives went away to the cool of the hills, enjoying the children and enjoying a number of social occasions in the temporary transient-mums’ community. Refreshed and revived she journeys back to the plains where her husband is even more tired than when she left. She’s excited and full of all the things that have happened, the kids’ sports day, the school play; and the cool walks in the hills. He’s exhausted, too worn out for chat...but paradoxically, would rather go to bed...now...she has been away  a long while. That’s not possible either; the children are back and are bouncing round the room.

More stress and strain; but is it culturally induced or is it a self- inflicted injury due to the situation?

Or a bit of both?

Strangely enough, I married my wife to be with her; not to lose her for months at a time. We had children to be a father and mother to them. Many missionaries will have similar stories to tell. Some will agree and realise that they did what they didn’t want to do and some will disagree, accusing us of a lack of faith and dedication.

However, it takes faith and dedication just to be there. Where? Anywhere that God calls you to be. It takes determination and trust to see it through. So many people back home say things such as;

“Oh I couldn’t do that, I have got children to think of.”

Or...

“Yes that would be fun, but my husband could not give up his good job.”

Or...

“I am too old for that, I couldn’t move; I am 50 you know!”

Then of course there are issues of status. In the west we have distinct ideas of status and what is “due to us.” We need recognition, we need acknowledgement and we need purpose; not only ours but what people see in us. Let’s be honest, saying that God is calling you to mission is a conversation killer in suburban after dinner chat...unless of course you are at a dinner for retired clergy.

The culture of what is acceptable and what is not acceptable varies from country to country, continent to continent and we had better get used to it before we go. Changing status will be of continuing significance as soon as you make the decision to go overseas. As soon as I announced I was leaving work at American Express in the eighties, news and rumour went round the building like a bushfire and in no time at all it had been changed to a definite fact that I was leaving to become a Vicar.

In secular society these days, it is just not acceptable to claim a divine calling, a leading by God. This is liable to elicit comments such as (and both were said to me),

“Saying that God is calling you is a cop-out. What you really mean is that that is what you want to do.” Or...

“The Yorkshire Ripper thought he had heard God telling him what to do, and he was mad. Look what happened to him.”

Other than through opinions expressed at churches that we may visit before going, I am not aware of any other circumstances when becoming a missionary may raise ones status at home. It will certainly not do your career prospects any good in the commercial sector.

However, depending on the circumstances, status in the eyes of individual men / women might rise on arriving overseas, but could reduce when being in contact with officialdom; especially if it is a country with a prevailing religion opposed to Christianity. Status might rise in the local church and you may well be picked out as some sort of super-saint who is always called on to pray for people, as if you have greater access to God!

It is interesting to see how the dynamics work. For Government contacts you might occasionally receive invitations to Embassy functions and be called in on consultative committees for various topics for which you would not have been contacted before, if you had not been a so-called local expert in the field. This all sounds very grand and elevating to ones ego and it can be, even if we should not feel like that. It is nice to feel recognised, appreciated and wanted, just as everybody in a marriage does too.

It is surely one of the most powerful and long lasting feelings in a marriage...the feeling of being appreciated, valued and wanted attributes some status. This is sometimes a problem for a number of married missionaries who land up in a country where having a family is of enormous importance. A couple without children and even a couple without a boy may be looked on with some pity.

This is similar but different to attitudes of status regarding being married or single. In a number of countries it is strange to be in ones 30s, 40s, or 50s and not married and may affect people’s view of you. This is totally unjustified according to our western culture, but is understood in much of Africa and Asia. Status can be quite corrosive to our feelings and personality too.

Fortunately times are changing. Though a number of countries have strict protocol for the ways to behave in public, it is less shocking to make a faux pas than in years gone by. In my experience, people of many nationalities are apt to dismiss a mistake as,

“What else do you expect from foreigners? They are all rude anyway” At least a modicum of understanding is starting to creep in.

A peculiarity is that apparent singleness can appear as availability, even in societies with strict ethics such as,

In the 1980s we were in Afghanistan working for an eye hospital. Though the war with the Soviet Union was in full flow, there was only infrequently overt trouble on the streets of Kabul. Things were under control, most of the time. Sandy dutifully trailed behind me when appropriate, dressed in a very modest way, and as a result was always respected by shopkeepers and those in the public.

However, one day she was out walking on her own, which was permitted, but she was assaulted in the street by a passing young man whose hands apparently had gravitational pull to her body. It had to be touched. Though relatively mild, it was very upsetting especially as it happened in that rather restricted and pious environment famous for a tough moral stance on many issues.

Being fearful to go out again alone, she set out a week or two later accompanied by the lady who lived downstairs in our house. Surely that would be safe, surely it couldn’t happen twice in a row?

Walking along the street, a young man cycled by and grabbed at her breast as he went past. Again, not rape or extreme violence, but assault nevertheless; assault which would not have been acceptable if perpetrated on an Afghan lady. There would have even been extreme consequences too. Perhaps Hollywood films and the international portrayal of morals had affected his view of availability of western women. We shall never know.

Feelings and status had been degraded; confidence shattered. Such are the things, or similar for other examples that one may have to deal with when out of your own culture. Feelings which can alienate, rock emotions and affect relationships with colleagues, within the family and with husband...depending on how he handles the issue, how he sympathises, listens and takes notice. There are many things which may destabilise ones feeling and opinion of the place where you are stationed.

Status is such a strange thing and of such tenuous connection with the realities of life. Status, in the world’s eyes, can be measured in the number or type of qualifications we have, the amount of money or other wealth, the home we have or the area we live in. Or any number of other visible and tangible things.

Rarely is status defined in terms of quality of personality (whatever that is...), sincerity, justice, loving concern, compassion, godliness, respect or generosity. Indeed if one has those attributes you are even less likely to want status or position. So perhaps status is a misnomer anyway?

Women can have a lot of difficulty in some situations, and a number of countries, gaining the respect and honour of men. This lack of status is demonstrated in many ways that are inherent in the system in which they live. It might be felt at official levels, at community level or even at the family and marriage level. Even something as simple as not being financially independent, having to be totally answerable to male relatives, not having the same freedoms as she would enjoy if she had been a man. Yet, God created each of us according to the purposes he has for us and created mankind with equality; it is the world system and our inter-gender relationships that are at fault.

There is one particularly important way in which status is regarded in many countries. That is in the birth of a child. Despite the genetics and biology that determines that the birth of male or female offspring is as a result of chromosomes from the male side, many women feel social pressure to have a boy. When they do have a boy, their perceived status goes up. How unjust! As far as I am aware, the details of pregnancy, the discomfort, the burdens, the labour and birth of a girl are no different than for a boy. Why then are male babies more likely to attract the coos and ahhs from all and sundry? And why are they more likely to accord the mother real status?

When Sandy produced our second boy everyone, almost without exception, exclaimed,

“A second boy! How wonderful! Oh, you are clever!

When we produced a third boy, the office workers in Kabul, who were all Muslims, decided that Allah must indeed be smiling on us. Three boys! What an honour!

One night, in the unearthly hours of the morning that intercontinental flights from Europe tend to land in India, we as a family of five were standing in the immigration counter queue, passports in hand. Bleary eyed and restless we waited in vain for the queue at Mumbai airport to shorten. The man in front was the last one to go; but we then saw in his hand a stack of passports; maybe ten or so. It was then that we realised that the ladies each in a black bourkha sitting off to one side must be his wives, mother and grown up daughters...here I am uncertain of my facts as the slit for each lady’s eyes was so small that recognition of age was just not possible.

When we eventually got to the immigration officer yawning at his umpteenth passenger that night, I handed over our five passports. He plodded through opening each passport and laying them in a pile, not even looking up from his administrative task. As he got to the last passport he sprang into life again, looked straight at Sandy and said with incredulity and questioning acclamation,

“Thrrrreeeeee boys!”

As fast as he could, he stamped all the passports and waved us through fast, in honour of our great status. The producers of threeeeee boys!

Fortunately Sandy is pleased too, to have had three boys. But if my attitude had been dissatisfied or different; or if the people who said...

“Oh dear, you won’t have anyone to go shopping with.” or

“There will be no one to look after you when you are older then.”

...had played on her sensibilities, her own feelings of self worth may have been jolted to a point of being uncertain of her status as a woman and as a person made in the image of God. Such insecurity can be a major problem in life in general and in marriage specifically.

Chapter 14 Experiencing God together

Almost wherever you presently live in secular society, there will usually be some separateness to the marriage relationship. He has her job, she has hers. He does this and that and she is known for doing something else within the partnership. There will usually be things they do together, but essentially people are often perceived separately. Maybe the only times when this is not so, in secular society,  is when couples are newly married and almost live in each others pockets! Visibly, there is an impression of being glued together.

It is wonderful when seemingly being glued together continues long and deep into the marriage. Even after more than 30 years together, the view others get of us, so we understand, is still one of unity and togetherness. When we arrive at a social occasion and few seats are left, people are apt to move seats so we can sit together. It’s nice, but can be embarrassing.

Going overseas as mission partners or as Christian development workers, living in a situation where you are already very conspicuous for a variety of reasons, you will be seen as “that missionary couple”, or something similar, and very often you will be perceived as being one in body, soul and purpose. If one of you is struggling or succeeding, the same will be perceived of both of you. If one of you is happy and contented, that joyfulness will be perceived in you both even if the other is only moderately so. If one is grumpy and irritable it will be assumed both of you are; particularly if it is culturally unacceptable to show your annoyances.

The first thing you have to set out to do, to resolve to accomplish and not give up, is to get to know each other better and better every day, every week, every month and year by year. That does not just mean getting to know mannerisms and foibles, likes and dislikes, but it does mean getting to know and supporting your spouse’s walk with God, helping them develop their spirituality and being each other’s best friend by being accountable to one another in our struggles and temptations. It is not easy, will not be easy and will continue to be an enigmatic journey.

Take heart, we have been travelling that path for thirty-plus years and Sandy is still a mystery to me! Though said ‘somewhat tongue-in-cheek’ there is an element of truth in that and I hope the enigma carries on for a good few years yet. Perhaps it is the mystery of being friend, confidante, spiritual advisor, wife and lover all at the same time that makes her so alluring.

As you are setting out on mission together, I assume you are both already Christians. You may be full of faith and enthusiasm; your verve may be plain to see by all around. However, it may well be that your spiritual paths have been running parallel, separately or even going in slightly different directions for months or years.

You both know you are each very faithful in your walk with God, but there is a separateness about what you have and what you are experiencing.  Some drawing together will always be beneficial. By that I do not mean that you have to think and act the same, be clones of each other, like the same hymns or songs, pray in the same way, or listen to God in the same way. Nor does it mean that you will have the same gifts of the Holy Spirit or exercise them in the same way. To aim for that would be unnecessary, impractical and unlikely.

There will be different expectations, differing experiences and different perceptions of what is happening. There will be opportunities to see wonderful things happen in His name, and times to wonder why it is all going wrong! Drawing closer in faith, having a deeper understanding of how each of you reacts and understands God will be really valuable. It’s not always about us all the time. We are individuals too, but at one in our marriage and therefore one in the eyes of God. Nevertheless, made up of two component parts.

As husband and wife you will want to help each other along when one is struggling physically, emotionally or spiritually. You will need to do it in love and tenderness with encouragement and you might have to do it when you are yourself struggling. Or indeed, you may have to help your spouse who is struggling when you are actually feeling ecstatic about the work and opportunities, and you simply cannot understand why he / she does not feel the same.

There is a heavy responsibility on the husband as head of the family to be willing and able to lead the family (under authority of and answerable to God), to promote spiritual growth and to be helper and mentor to his wife. The paradox of marital partnership is that the wife may well have to offer encouragement and support to her husband in order for him to achieve that!

To be effective in this gargantuan task you will need to become confident in your own faith, be confident in what you believe and why, have good levels of perception about what makes you function as a Christian. And I do not just mean the easily repeated answer of ‘having faith in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour.’

Start to ask yourself dozens of questions of faith. Why do you think like you do? Why are you are so confident in what you believe? What would happen if you started to believe less? What is the nature of prayer and answered prayer? What is the reason for apparently unanswered prayer? Is my faith dependent on feeling close to God? Is a feeling of distance from God going to change what and how I believe? When was my faith last challenged, by what, and what were my reactions?

These are all things you may encounter, plus an endless number personal to you. They are all the sort of things you will have to wrestle with as you live and work out your faith in unfamiliar circumstances. The more unfamiliar the circumstances, the more unsettling the experiences, the more the norms of our life might be challenged. When all familiarity is stripped away, the destabilising influences of uncertainty set in.

But, conversely you will find that when all around you is uncertain and different, it could be your mature and stable faith that is the only familiar aspect of life to remain; that can be the element that sustains you. If that sustaining influence is a shared faith and a shared spirituality, it will be an even surer source of strength.

Finding God together does not only imply finding Him for the first time. It might be a re-finding of God; time and again. Fresh starts; keeping faith fresh and alive might involve a repeated re-discovering and redefining of your relationship with God. Being open and willing to discuss topics that have been discussed before, find new solutions, new realisations will add spark and interest to your life together and will add vibrancy to your ministry when people realise that as a couple you are united in faith, spirit and love; not only for God but also for each other.

Understanding your spirituality; and your spouse’s

To understand yourself may take a lifetime and you may never be fully happy with what you discover. There may be many questions unanswered. Don’t underestimate the value of the contribution your spouse can make to this search; after all they know you better than anyone else does. If they do not; why is that?

In some marriage relationships your spouse might even know you better than you know yourself! For you to discover more of yourself from your spouse, accept compliments. Accept praise. Accept shortcomings. Try them, test them, pray about them and see.

Avoid becoming pharisaic, that you have to understand spirituality by the same rules as others do. There is no magic formula. Accept that it is alright to pray differently, think differently, sing differently and praise the Lord differently. What others do is not automatically better, but to avoid a bland form of universalism creeping into this paragraph (indicating that maybe, ‘anything goes’) do check what you are doing and saying is in line with the truths laid out in the Bible. Unless you are a theologian you might not even find the answer for everything there either. Talk to a trusted Christian friend.

I have an analytical and detailed way of thinking and I measure what is said. I consider logic and the reliability of what is said and then I add a dash of discernment, which has often, not always, proved to be correct at a much later date. I will consider the details and see a plan emerge, or not emerge. I perceive the grey areas, including the ‘ifs and maybes’.

To illustrate what I mean, I recount an event that, after years of searching and inquiring after God, I finally turned my back on him. It was eight years till I came back with a fresh and new-found faith and belief in him.

A well known preacher and evangelist recounted an event in his sermon. I was there. It concerned some well-known Arctic explorers whose faith sustained them in the severe and tough times at forty degrees below zero. One of them lit a candle as a symbol of the presence of God (and no doubt to have some light in the tent!).

The story goes that it was so cold that the flame on the candle froze and so one of the explorers snapped it off and hung it round his neck as a reminder of the presence of God with them.

Being an analytical fellow, I thought back to physics lessons at school and worked out that candle flames cannot freeze because the flame is the visual manifestation of the fluorescence of gasses combusting at high temperature. Something cannot be high temperature and freezing at the same time. That convinced me that if this story is not true, the rest of his sermons would not be true either.

Maybe I missed the point that might have been perceived illustratively by Sandy (if she had been there) that the awe and wonder of God transcends the things we know and understand. And that a frozen candle flame necklace (if that were possible) would make a most beautiful reminder of the majesty of God.

On occasions my analytical approach irritates Sandy, who would much rather see the broader issues and with a wave of her hand say that something seems alright, or does not seem alright. She is happy to miss out the details and forge ahead anyway.

“Why wouldn’t it be alright?”

Or alternatively to rigidly jam on the metaphorical brakes and say “No it is just not going to happen”. She has a propensity to ‘black and white’ thinking, very different from my analytical approach to the maybes of life that operate in shades of grey.

So it is with understanding our spirituality. It is important to see the differences, but to understand that despite what some Christians say to the contrary, we are all different. It is not necessary to emulate others’ style. It is alright to have our own style; even if that does mean preferring to sing “Onward Christian Soldiers” in strict verses with a beginning and an end when everyone else prefers, or thinks they prefer (as I do) the repetitiveness of a song written last week and that might be forgotten by next year.

So in setting out to understand your spouse’s spirituality the first thing to remember is that they are actually a different person. It is so easy to forget this when we are deeply intertwined with someone else’s life. If it is not clear what also makes them tick for God, ask them, discuss and share your experiences and understanding. Explore what gets each of you enthusiastic for God.

Having understood what it is that makes you tick for God, understanding the same for your spouse is a challenge. It may well be that all the things that are crystal clear to you are a hazy mist for your other half. It is in bringing all those differing components together that you will enhance your understanding and your Christian ministry together.

A shared spirituality; not necessarily the same spirituality

If your strength of faith and expression of spirituality is a world apart from each other, it can precipitate unusual reactions in peoples thinking. The church minister or pastor who has a wife going through a crisis of faith may unjustly appear less credible to his congregation. After all, “How could he let that happen to her?”

The missionary (wife) who has a very effective ministry of Christian counselling among the women of the area who have suffered traumas as a result of being trapped into prostitution, may certainly experience some credibility problems if her husband is not known for being a faithful, godly, loving, fair and righteous man in their own marriage.

Petter and Petra were both Swedish church pastors and were ministering to the Swedish population of expatriates in Geneva. Petter had quite a traditional role as senior pastor, teacher and overall leader of the church. He had a strong theological background. His faith was strong, he was well qualified for his job and people liked him a lot, though they regarded him from some distance in deference to his position. He had a wicked sense of humour but somehow that warmed the congregation to him.

Petra was very different and was the mainstay of their family, the mainstay of the community and got alongside people in need. She was particularly good in counselling people in their struggles and trials of life. She could slide alongside anyone and everyone. People liked her, especially as she was less outgoing and loud than Petter was. They appreciated her calm and her listening ear, her tranquillity and patience.

But there was something that those in the congregation, who were from an Evangelical Church background, found quite disturbing. She was a licensed practitioner of Reiki; a system of healing originating, it is claimed by proponents, from Buddha. Reinvented or redeveloped by a Zen Buddhist Monk in the 1800s, the channelling of energies is now used in the context of some New Age therapies.

I understand that theologians have some differing views on this. This book is not the place for an exposition of alternative therapies but it is the place to reflect that some of the congregation saw some counter indications, or some conflicting spiritualities.

Experiencing God together is all about consistency and unity of spirit. A couple’s ministry to believers needs such unity, focus and purpose.

So, shared spirituality is something a couple has when there is consistency and integrity in what the couple does, is involved in and gives for the benefit of their allotted or designated Christian ministries. It is a compatible, agreeable, consistent and harmonious spirituality that is in keeping with each other. Something which gives comfort and assurance that they are both batting in the same direction.

Differing spirituality

This section is similar to an earlier section on denominations, though spirituality is rather different and broader ranging. There is a wide variety of people in a wide variety of churches, but that does not mean that they’re the same types of people in the same church!  You can meet similar people and different people in the same or different churches or denominations. This may sound very confusing so let’s give an example that everyone can relate to ...connected with food.

Different people might like ravioli but may enjoy it in different ways because of differences in their character, personality and general taste for how things are done. Their cultural background, their parental upbringing and their education might have something to do with it too. In some cases financial resources might be part of the equation.

Whilst enjoying ravioli some may eat it cold straight out of the tin; some may eat it in a café on toast; and some may eat it in a high class restaurant with hand shredded basil leaves, parmesan cheese and a glass of chilled Chardonnay.  But, actually, all are enjoying the same thing, but in different ways.

The fact that the person eating it at an expensive restaurant may argue that “the others’ ravioli is not the same, ours is far superior,” is beside the point. There have always been and will always be those who argue the supposition that their brand of Christianity, their way of seeking and finding God is better and superior to others. The more Christians I meet and the more churches I go to, the more I find this to be true. Some of the most vehement disputes in churches can originate from some of the most insignificant points of order that might not even be noticed or discussed in a different denomination.

Even within individual denominations, though there may be tendencies for one particular character type, there will always be a mixture. These mixtures of people are not just defined by being outgoing or quiet, hospitable or reclusive, giving or receiving. They are defined by their connection with God, and how they find it (the connection) and how they use it. Ultimately how they find God and interact with Him.

There are those who will love to jump up and down and be demonstrative in worship, those who in more placid adoration will raise hands and open themselves up to God. The increases in the Charismatic movement through the New Churches and the popularity of Pentecostal Churches such as Elim and Assemblies of God have much to do with this trend, but even these will seem placid in comparison to the syncopated rhythms and clapping in exuberant rounds of applause and cries, utterances and shakings experienced in some churches.

Many will focus their attention on God as Father, Son and Holy Spirit, giving honour and obedience to all three in their different attributes, yet others’ focus is almost entirely on Jesus and what he has done for us. Jesus lives! Christ Jesus lives with them every day.

Different people will pray in different ways, some briefly and formally, some pouring out lengthy discourses from soul and spirit to the Lord, with repetition a feature almost like a ‘mantra’; some pray long and rambling ‘shopping lists’ of things He is requested to do for us and some with everlasting rounds of thankfulness. Some pray with fervour and screwed up eyes indicative of intensity of the experience. Some pray in quiet contemplation in a situation of remoteness and retreat, or meditation on a Biblical or Godly theme. Some just sit to read a passage from their Bible and think about its meaning for them today.

Some will not feel able to come into God’s presence without having had a few moments of quiet adoration and supplication before him, others will feel that they are always in touch with God in the sense that Jesus is with them and they have the Holy Spirit and so will be happier carrying on an ongoing dialogue and vibrant relationship with Him, yet not understanding the concept of being quiet before coming into his presence.

There are those who are supremely comfortable in the visualisation and sounds of ritual; the poetic beauty and fine literary form contained in liturgy. Anything else would be an anathema. Diametrically opposed would be the Quakers’ form of worship which has no, and even rejects, set forms of worship.

So it is; we have different spiritualities and different ways of being with God. All these sit within the Christian faith. To say my way is exclusively correct is either arrogant, short sighted or wishful thinking...or all three.

Many Christians find different spiritualities affect different phases of their life. Some are certain that one way is best and then a major change in their life affects them in unexpected ways. The truth is that though there may be an underlying trend or propensity to prefer this or that aspect of faith, we can adapt, we can change; all we have to do is to be open and willing for the Holy Spirit to have his way in our life.

Back to being a couple! We may well go to be stationed in a place which has a different denominational influence in the local church, or it may be the same denomination (according to the sign board outside, and the constitution in the office) but the ways of doing things may be very different.

So, when getting to our destination we could well find that the spirituality of the church as a people, and the style of the church as an establishment might suit us, but not suit our spouse. That can mean that either we, or our spouse, is in need of help, understanding and nurturing in a way not previously anticipated. That doesn’t mean that the one struggling has lost their faith, it is not a crisis, but could be if one’s marriage mate does not lovingly and perceptively help us to draw strength from the Lord in these new circumstances. It takes adaptability and an open mind to cross international boundaries and have to learn to do things differently. This is most highly felt in relation to our faith.

The biggest shock can come when we do not actually expect the spirituality to be different. Take the Anglican Church for instance (but it may similarly apply to many other denominations); it has many and varied facets from Anglo-Catholic through to being more recognisable as a charismatic free church. In the UK there are even churches under the umbrella of the Anglican Church which meet in the Saloon Bar of a local pub.

A couple may have grown up in a particular style and spirituality of Anglican Church in suburban Britain. On being called to overseas mission, after training they eventually find themselves placed in an Anglican Diocese in rural Africa where the expression of faith, the style of worship, the commitment to Biblical principles is very different...though not easily identifiable as being better or worse, correct or incorrect.

With spirituality and faith we don’t have to experience the same things in precisely the same way to share in the experience. Watching a play or enjoying a concert together may be the result of two experiences. Actually one can even have been a passive listener. Just to have enjoyed the music in general, the atmosphere and being there...and accompanying the other. The other may have followed every note, every stanza and have analysed the standard of production, the technical delivery of the conductor. But both had a great time and it was an evening to remember.

Many times Sandy and I have sat through the same sermon, participated in the same prayer meeting or sung in the same service but gained different things from it all. We can sometimes wonder if we had been at the same event.

Or, on a more personal note for couples, an illustration of spirituality from something else that has deep intensity of feeling and communion; the enjoyment of sex. A couple does not have to feel exactly the same as each other, in the same way, for the same reasons for it to be an intensely moving and meaningful experience for both. So it is with the deeper experiences of faith.

Just because Sandy feels the presence of the Holy Spirit working in and through her in a different way that I feel Him does not counteract or contradict what each of us experiences, or the reality of what is happening. I gain a lot from a day of quiet reflection and prayer whereas Sandy is apt to be thinking after the second hour;

“Right then, what shall we do now?”

Wherever we are and whatever the style of church congregation we are in (which may be different to the denominationally linked perception) we have to find our ways of communing with God and helping our spouse to find his / her ways with God too. If we do not, it is at the peril of substantial extra strain on the marriage as one or other, or both, struggle with an apparently evaporated faith.

Spiritual warfare

As has been indicated several times already, setting out in mission together will almost certainly put all sorts of pressures on your relationship that you might not have anticipated. We have already discussed a range of faith and cultural issues, but there is another factor hiding behind the scenes. Many Christians will agree that when they become more and more engaged in working for the Lord, more and more complications come up which may be attributable to the work of Satan wanting to hamper the advancement of the work.

I say may be the work of Satan because though I do believe this to be possible, likely and almost certain at times, we also need to be aware that not everything that happens negatively is spiritual warfare. Not everything is due to evil spirits behind every bush and dark forces around every corner; not all mistakes, aggravation and calamities are the work of he who likes to see Christians and Christian-works fail.

This may be a new or unfamiliar area for a number of those setting out on mission. Maybe you have not had the ‘opportunity’ to experience such things in your church at home, or maybe your church minister or pastor does not speak of such things. Maybe what you have been doing has not attracted enough opposition in the spiritual realms, but the evidence among millions of Christians over the centuries is that when you forge forward for the Lord Jesus, opposition steps into your path and has the effect of confounding His work.

Some of the things that go wrong are due to human failings, our own shortcomings, ours or others sin and rejection of what God has been saying to us. We have responsibility too. We work for a God of grace who is more powerful than anything else in the universe and who is not overwhelmed by the action of the devil. He is not consumed.

Phil and Jill are working at the forefront of Christian ministry in a country where missionary activity of any sort, but particularly by foreigners, is discouraged and not approved of. Conversion from the local religion is not permitted and so it is a major step of faith for those who do decide to become Christians.

Not surprisingly the church is an ‘underground’ church and meets in secret and few know the whole structure and locations of the church. Small cell groups meet in people’s houses and each person knows of the existence of one other, so they can effectively pray for one other set of Christians, and can pass on messages. Not everyone knows the size of the whole network but news does leak through about some great workings of the Holy Spirit and how He works in the church.

The annual meeting of cell leaders was convened and Phil was to attend to lead some inspirational teaching on prayer. Jill had been asked to lead the looking after of all the children at home, so that the children would not disturb the meetings. But on the morning of the event, Jill awoke and felt strange. She could not move enough to get out of bed, she was immobile. She felt extreme lethargy and weakness in her legs, depression and anxiety about the day’s activities, and realised she could not look after the children. There was no possibility of this, at all. She was apparently fixed down, rooted to the spot.

Phil prayed for her healing and straight away, though she did not feel completely better, she did realise that this was probably an attack of Satan to derail the sessions on prayer that were scheduled for the cell leaders. She resolved to press on through the pain and lethargy, get up and set about the days work, and within only a few minutes felt just fine, having defeated the enemy who prowls around like a lion waiting to find someone to devour.

Spiritual warfare is a massive topic and has been the subject for entire conferences and modules of teaching at Bible Colleges. This is not the place to deal with it in depth, but is the place to alert couples to the fact that when their ministry is going well or they are stepping out in faith, they may well encounter overwhelming opposition in their Christian lives.

They will probably encounter tough days, difficulties and downfalls when their marriage is going particularly well. In essence, remember that Satan loves a sleepy church and a mediocre Christian marriage. If you are not satisfied with either of these things; expect opposition. It could come in many unexpected guises.

Accepting my spouse has a calling; ...but what will I do?

God loves me. God loves my wife. God loves families. God loves children and God loves a good marriage. He also calls Christians to be the bearer of His Good News to the world in a wide variety of ways according to the gifts he has given to us. Our service can and should use the natural gifts God gave us at birth and the spiritual gifts he gave us along the way.

It therefore follows that we will not be called to do something that is totally contrary to our situation. His calling, and the details or nature of it will be entirely compatible with our abilities, our life, and that of our spouse, children and family situation. You might say that He calls people and inspires them to cross boundaries of all sorts for Him, not ignorant of other factors in the person’s life. It could be called a package deal! The history books state that Thomas Cook, the travel agent company, invented the package deal for trips and holidays in July 1841. I guess God actually invented package deals centuries before that in relation to providing for all the needs of those He calls; and that includes your spouse and family. If someone’s apparent calling to ministry is not also compatible with the needs of one’s marriage and family, it is a good indicator that we have perceived the details, or the whole issue, incorrectly.

If I have a calling to Christian service, I can be sure that it will be compatible with my wife and children; not only compatible, but beneficial and for their overall best too. Even if there are no children, or if a couple’s choice of lifestyle is for the husband to bring up the children whilst the wife pursues her career, it is not likely that God’s assignment for a wife will be useless, and disastrous for a husband.

If there is not compatibility, then some serious searching and praying has to be done to discern what God is saying. Is the feeling of call genuine and has it been discerned in the correct way? Help and good counsel are needed for this.

For months Sandy did not feel called to overseas mission, as I did, and this was of great concern to her. And to me, I have to add!

“Why do I not feel this calling too?” was the anguished question.

In due time, after talking with various advisers and eventually her tutors at Mission Training College, all was revealed. It is not the call to the overseas service that she felt but the call to be a supportive and dedicated wife and mother; wherever her husband’s service might be. Thereby the needs of both were met and we both felt called to the situation for different reasons and purposes. I had the calling and she felt the peace about it.

“The peace of God which knows no understanding...”

It could just as easily happen the other way round too. It may be a wife has the career calling and the husband and children follow. Indeed some years later it happened to us precisely like that. In a different set of events entirely, she felt the calling and I felt the peace about it. That peace gave me the opportunity to write this and other books; fulfilling a 35-40 year ambition.

Thus, callings and having peace about it are not gender issues but one of God calling the right person for the right job; getting the right people together to achieve something, or just to experience life in His way.

So, starting from the premise that the calling for one of you is genuine, it is safe to assume that there is a task, an occupation, a valuable thing for the other to do too.

It may be;

a)      Something predictable or expected.

b)      Something unexpected.

c)      Something routine or something out of the ordinary.

d)      One task or a combination of activities.

e)      Part of, or associated with, the main calling.

f)      Something that is not only totally different to the main calling, but it might be revealed in due time, once you get there.

g)      It might be in an area you least expected, developing your life and experience in ways that only God can surprise you.

The variety of situations that married couples go to are just too diverse to give advice on what it is that might be your calling, or subsidiary calling; but I can encourage you to set out and seek the mind of God, seeking your place and function. Examine your natural gifts and your spiritual gifts alongside the needs and situations you are to face. Pray for God to reveal his purpose for your life. That is where your answer will be.

Chapter 15 Two become one; but we are different

Very different

Earlier we reflected on the issue that marriage is not an activity studied for and with a certificate of wifely / husbandly marriage-competence issued by a university or college of education. You just have to get on with it, learning through the experiences along the way.

Christian marriage needs to be based on principles of equality but through different roles. We all need roles and need to know what is expected of us.

Even though there is headship and leadership by the husband, he has the responsibility to be equitable, fair and worthy of his position.

There is a need to minimise differences, yet celebrate that we are different. Wherever there are unavoidable areas of difference, division or strife the issues will be magnified by being “in the soup together.” Yet this also brings solidarity.

If one is a long standing Christian and the other is a new believer...there is a need to accept and encourage each other as equals. Time as a believer is not a badge of merit. There are, and will be, other factors which impinge upon the spiritual relationship. At any one time we could each be in a different place with our faith

A repetition for the benefit of clarity: don’t let your marriage passively happen around you. Actively do it, constantly nurture it and improve it.

If you played golf, went Thai kick-boxing, mountaineering or parachuting or any other sport, you would constantly strive to top up your skill, trying to be better every weekend. You would learn to be better and get tips from your friends. You would go training and talk about the training with your team mates afterwards in the pub.

Why do we not do the same in marriage?...maybe not discussing the details with pub friends, but with each other and in certain cases with trusted friends who may be able to offer good counsel and advice. Is marriage not more important than getting the sporting hobby just right?

In any sport there will be differences in the players. One is a good boxer, one a good runner, one a good marksman. In football one is a good goalkeeper, one a good forward and another is a great defender; and so we’ve found that differences are alright in marriage. You just have to learn to make those differences work to your own good, as a couple. The more you are able to make your own differences work together, the more you jointly will be able to cope with the cultural and religious differences that will be around you in your life and work.

Differing expectations

Expectations of marriage may be based on your previous experience of what you have seen marriage to be for parents, friends and colleagues. In the cross-cultural environment this can be a widely diverse topic as all sorts of national expectations, heritage and ways of working come to the fore. We expect marriage to be what we have seen in others.

These different expectations may have to be programmed into your marriage too. In a cross-cultural marriage it certainly does help to know and understand the culture of the family your spouse comes from. There will be many culturally essential ways to act, behave and live. They are such an expectation and assumption that they may shock or surprise if you cross the boundary of understanding. There are certain things which can be acceptable to discuss in ‘this’ culture and not at all in ‘that’ culture.

It may be that in one culture there are ways of expressing things that may be considered impolite in another country. Knowing the acceptable topics for discussion or acceptable ways of behaving does help but essentially there is the need to understand that though you love each other, though you have been accepted by your in-laws, does not mean that everything is understood. It is good to acknowledge ahead of time that minor contraventions might unintentionally happen.

Newly married Indian men, and some other men in general, might expect to be waited on hand and foot, according to the prevailing culture...but certainly for the first year of marriage. If a young Indian man were to marry a western woman, perhaps British or German for instance, such serving attitude almost certainly would not occur. Unless she has taken the trouble to understand his cultural roots first. I first discovered this when making polite conversation with an Indian colleague who had only been married a few months.

“Is she still treating you well and looking after you?”  I joked with a knowing grin and a prod at his enlarged belly; the result of much better food in recent months.

“Of course, she has to, we have not been married a year yet.” He said with minor indignation at my question. Clearly there was an expectation that she would serve him well.

Also for Indian girls who, on marriage, leave their family home and go to live at their husband’s family’s home, there are restrictions. Even the girl’s family have to be invited to go and visit. There is an issue of the girl perhaps being sent away if the in-laws just turned up on an ad hoc visit. If the girls parents were of a European or American background they would not know it is taboo just to turn up at a weekend unannounced...even worse to suggest that she accompany them on a shopping trip without having been invited by the husbands wider family.

Differing family views

It sounds tough, it is tough, it might not be acceptable in many cultures to say this, but; ensure they don’t poke their noses into your business by trying to influence the call to mission you certainly felt. It will have been a heart wrenching process, receiving God’s call, working it through, making decisions as a couple, accepting the idea and then going through training and assignment to your new work.

Fortunately many parents and in-laws are very supportive. But some are not.

“What have you done by taking our beautiful daughter to that ghastly place?”

This not only sends a signal of disapproval to both of the couple, but it also shows blame on the husband for the ‘offence.’ It also totally discredits the significant part the wife played in contributing to, helping make, and gladly accepting the decision which was freely discussed and entered into jointly; just as it should have been in any harmonious marriage.

“What have you done by taking our grandchildren to that dangerous place when they could have had a nice comfortable life back home?”

This is very much more emotive and can only be countered by lovingly showing the grandparents that life there is good and valuable for the grandchild, and that it is all part of the plan that God has called the family to. It does however become a trickier topic to handle if the grandparents are not believers too. Obviously, presenting arguments that they had their chance to raise their children in their way, and ‘now we have our chance to do it our way’, is less than likely to be helpfully received.

I was fortunate; I had a fabulous father-in-law and though he couldn’t fathom why we were doing such work (and why we would want to do it), still he said that he would support our decision all the way.

“I don’t understand, yet still I support it,” is one of the best sentiments that you can receive from a parent or in-law.

It is highly likely that parents or in-laws will not have had an ambition that they wanted their dear child to be a missionary when they became older...unless they too had been missionaries. Then they might have had ambitions that their son / daughter / in-law would follow with the family name at ‘the ranch.’ Having spent a lifetime following God’s leading they forget that in fact, the son and new daughter in law have to follow God in their own way, which may or may not be aligned to mum and dad’s thinking. It might even be that they are not led to being in full time Christian ministry after all. Maybe for them the world of commercial work beckons.

“Isn’t it time you came home on leave?” and “When are you going to get a proper job?” are examples of highly divisive questions that recur time and again. So many mission couples have had these statements to contend with, knowing that the subtext is grounded in disapproval rather than general polite interest in the situation.

Such questions, in conveying criticism can so easily start to cause doubt and uncertainty in a calling; can also nibble away at the confidence in a marriage. It is something that should and must be discussed if it comes up. Maybe these comments would not have a great effect if they are made to a son or daughter who was somewhat distant to the parental relationship. However, someone who is very close to parents would have to maintain resolve to keep the relatively new marriage relationship even closer.

If parents or in-laws express that the idea of you going to work overseas is the worst thing to happen in their lives; it can be tough; very tough. Parents of either half can be taken aback that their little one, their dear child (who is not so little anymore but is still seen as their child) is setting out to do something so wildly outside their expectations that they cannot cope with it. It just does not fit the pattern.

It may not fit the pattern that they had in mind, but as long as it does fit the plan that God had in mind for the family as a whole, in due time they will come to see what is being done and can even come to feel proud of their daughter’s / son’s / grandchild’s place in it all.

Complications do not always arise in relation to parents-in-law when a mission couple are young adults. Similar unexpected crises can occur in later life of the mission couple, when maybe some parents and parents-in-law have already passed away. It can be the painful issue of the mission-couple’s new son-in-law or daughter- in-law. We know of instances where the Mishkid son or daughter finds a mate and gets married. The Mishkid’s experience of life is so enormous and so diverse that the new spouse doesn’t understand, cannot understand and may not even want to understand the mysteries of the life that their new husband / wife grew up with. It can be quite intimidating for them to be swamped by ‘tales of derring-do’ and barely believable reminiscences of travel, culture or faith.

It gets worse when the Mishkid casually chats about things of the past with mum and dad (the missionaries he/she grew up with)  The level of understanding and sharing of joint family experiences unintentionally block out the understanding of the Mishkids new wife / husband, and they might feel isolated or inadequate. We know of a number of situations falling into this category.

Issues of birthdays and other special occasions can lead to family rifts. Despite the miles between, birthdays should still be maintained and recognised across the boundaries, but are they?

Are birthday cards always available where you are, or are nice ones available? And if you buy the locally available shoddy card, will it be misunderstood? Will the mail get there in time and if not, do people in general, and the older generation in particular, feel comfortable with an email instead? It is a wise parent or in-law who realises that the scrappy, strange looking birthday card received again this year (the same one as last year perhaps) is probably due to issues of availability, or lack of, rather than lack of care.

Also it is easy enough to miss a birthday, or forget which card was sent last year, when you are leading a different far-away life contending with insects and possibly reptiles and monkeys. Who would understand that the monkey which came in off the verandah to raid the bananas, ate your mother in laws birthday card too? You thought it was waiting to be posted, but actually it was waiting to be eaten!  Such things are just not expected in Cheltenham, so it might not be easily understood that such things happen in Kisumu.

Mothers’ Day and suchlike celebrations are not on the same day in every country. Confusion can reign over when Mother’s day actually is, especially when you are not ‘there’ seeing all the publicity in the shops and on TV. There are a number of variations, usually arranged around the traditional dates in the UK and US, but there are others too. Thailand’s Mother’s Day is on the Queen’s birthday in August. So, for instance, mothers and mothers-in-law may feel sad that their daughter no longer remembers her since going overseas, and may feel tempted to ‘blame’ the son in law for stealing her away to far off places; regretting the change in relationship that she used to enjoy with her daughter.

Remembering the culture of your home country is almost as difficult as learning a new one. Such things can cause consternation with relatives when it is something as ‘simple’ as language. It sounds surprising, but it is possible to forget words in your own language or to mistakenly use other versions of your language, such as Chinese-English (referred to as Chinglish) or Indian-English (called Hinglish) or Singaporean-English (called Singlish) or American-English (called American). Versions vary a lot and words can mean different things, sometimes with funny or embarrassing results. There are a number of words when used in English, American or Australian contexts which have such different meanings that severe embarrassment can result.

One year when on home leave I needed some medical attention and I called at the hospital to get some information which was with the doctor’s secretary. In British-English I should have gone to reception and asked “May I see Dr Smith’s secretary please?”

But being well acquainted with Indian-English, I automatically said “May I meet with Dr Smith’s secretary?” ...which in British-English sounds so quaint that it could be misunderstood to mean something else. The ladies at reception howled with laughter! I wilted with embarrassment. Such minute differences of language and loss of knowledge of ones own culture is awkward and stressful. It is very handy for relatives back home to understand and have an appreciation of what is happening in our lives.

Year by year we became different people and slowly grew apart from many friends and relatives and were frequently misunderstood. Our oldest friends are now distant in terms of our relationship. It is therefore vital for close family, spouse and children to have the same and or similar cultural experiences, at the same time, to prevent drifting apart. It is not adequate for wife and children to be ‘nearby’ for school reasons, but far away for work reasons e.g. living in Hong Kong, while husband works in Hanoi. That’s not close enough.

Differing abilities, qualifications and feelings of worth

In different cultures, not just determined by whether it’s an Asian, American, African or European culture, there are many and varied perceptions of ability and worth. These are not usually determined by a valid yardstick that you or I would easily recognise. However, in the society in which you find yourself this might be very valid.

Though, as Christians, we know we are all made in God’s image and are all of worth in his eyes, the view of the rest of humanity might not show the same reassurance. If our living and working environment does not assure us of worth it might be unpleasant at best and downright corrosive to our self-esteem, at worst.

One of the most frequent examples (that is so common that many consider it normal) concerns the social interest in what women do and whether it is valuable or not. Picture the occasion; a social meeting of business contacts, an Embassy soirée, or a casual meeting of acquaintances in a foreign land. The chit-chat swings to the usual introductory manoeuvring round the most basic ‘getting to know you’ questions.

         “What do you do here?” or “How long have you been here?”

(Followed by a swift move to produce a neatly printed business card)

Subtext: “Is it worth getting to know you?”

         Or “I am an oil drilling technologist / foreign exchange banker / diplomat at the Embassy / civil engineer working on the new parliament building / or whatever  top rank career you care to name.”

(Followed by lots of interest and admiration for what you do and the life you lead.)

Subtext: “Wow, you must be well paid!”

         Or “I am the Regional Director of a Christian Mission that specialises in eye surgery and prevention of blindness programmes.”

(Usually followed by some limited interest in pursuing the conversation, but struggles to find the right words to say to a strange person who evidently goes to church.)

Subtext: “That must be so motivating and rewarding but I don’t think I could ever do that.”

         Or “I am a home-maker and Mum to our three boys”

(Followed by a faltering break in the flow of conversation. Or worse, silence.)

Implied subtext: “What does your husband do?”

The fact that you, the wife and mother, might have been a nuclear physicist, a barrister, a doctor, a fighter pilot or any other highly trained and highly intelligent professional before becoming maternally inclined, is apparently irrelevant to the listener.

On occasions I have heard of women who work as a housewife and mother describing herself as a domestic engineer or a generational social reformer!

I used to short circuit this by making a joke of it, deliberately elevating Sandy’s position by saying,

“Meet my wife Sandy; she’s the Minister of Home Affairs.”  There was always a pause before knowing how to reply.

Countless women have encountered the phenomenon that bringing up the next generation in love and security, ensuring good moral values and standards, does not connect with the world. Their worth is just not sufficiently recognised.

Add the different cultural views of motherhood and work in the home and further complications exist. In many countries mothers with any level of education or professional standing do not ‘mother’, they get a maid or ayah, a servant girl to look after the children. Therefore the assumption is that if you are a mother who actually does bring up the children, then you have no particular social standing, no education and no profession of your own.

Presumption: therefore not worth getting to know.

Increasingly, in my experience as an upper middle-aged writer with grey hair, I have uncovered the painful fact that this oddity of social engagement also applies to men; it is not just a woman-thing! However, people rationalise it and understand it in a different way.

In the same social contexts as the previous example I am asked,

         “What job do you do here? Is it Embassy or oil?”

(Implied anticipation: is there anything else a man of your age would do?)

Subtext assumption: in the expatriate situation the man is the one with the job.

         “It’s actually my wife who has employment here. She is a specialist teacher in the field of dyslexia and autism and teaches children with specific leaning difficulties. I am currently working on a book on marriage in cross-cultural environments”

“Oh how interesting to have a nice hobby like that.”

Subtext: “That really means he’s retired. It’s so nice for him to be able to keep busy here in the tropics while his wife works.”

         Some societies, such as New Zealand are very blokeish. Men need to be rough, tough and interested in Rugby. You know; really manly! Arrive at the same social event and try to creatively describe what you do. “I am finishing writing one of my books and then pursuing some publishing opportunities.”

Reply at volume, over shoulder to the crowd, while jabbing a tinny (can of beer) in my direction. “Eh, we’ve got a kept-man ‘ere. Say g’day mates.”

Subtext: “Pommy bastard! The wuss sends his wife out to work.”

Though these value judgements do happen to men, as I have illustrated, it does seem that they more often happen to women. Or perhaps men deal with it in a different way; but the result is the same. Value judgements are rife in every culture; even in the church where they should be less common.

Once when we were visiting a church to talk about our experience in mission overseas we had arrived as a couple, with two young children. As people started to assemble for the meeting and to hear the talk by us, the ‘visiting missionaries’, the host took matters into her own hands.

“Alright everyone, settle down now, I think we will get started so we can hear what Peter has to tell us this evening about his time in Kabul.”

And then...

“Sandy, I think it might be best if you leave the room with the children so that we can get on with the meeting undisturbed!” She sheepishly left; but now after years more experience we would handle it differently, and defiantly.

However, such cultural assumptions and judgements do not only happen like this in the social context. The cultural perceptions of who you are in the professional world are very important.

I was once visiting West Africa on a consultation visit to a group of eye hospitals. I was accompanied by Dr Mary our most senior person in the country. Very well qualified and very experienced, she was a formidable person in terms of capability and capacity to succeed. Her academic qualifications and her stature in the community were way beyond my own.

We went to visit the State Minister of Health to discuss health care planning and strategies. As we arrived at his office door, I naturally (as per British cultural norms) stood aside to let Dr Mary go in first, and held the door open for her.

“No, you go first,” she urgently hissed as a firm hand pushed into my lower back.

It was a man’s world there and would have been culturally unacceptable, even insulting, for a woman to be presented to greet the State Minister of Health before a man; even more-so a man visiting from another country.  From my own world-view it did not matter one jot whether I was presented first or second, or even third. My natural inclination was to hold the door open for a woman.

When we lived in India, just about all people from “lower-middle class” upwards had a servant or two, or even three. It is the norm to have someone to cook, someone to sweep, someone to clean the toilets, another to wash the car and one to do the garden. Such work is not done by those with a professional or moneyed background. Even foreign missionaries, aid workers and other people with regular income were counted as wealthy; and that is not surprising when viewed in comparison to the lack of wealth around in the general population.

We chose not to have a house servant, despite the disadvantage this would have in terms of the massive levels of work needed to keep the house clean in such a dusty environment. This was seen as most odd, and even downgrading; even odder when Indian ladies found out that Sandy did all the housework irrespective of the heat, which often went up to forty Celsius, or even to forty nine right before the monsoon.

Another cultural oddity was when neighbours saw me, a professionally employed senior manager, outside in the street cleaning my own car! It was clear that this downgraded their expectations of me, or they thought I was just plain eccentric.

Many women worry about their weight, their looks, their wrinkles and what they look like to the general public. In particular they are concerned about looking good for their husband so that his eyes do not wander...too much!

Some men also are concerned about looks, fat belly, sagging muscles, greying hair and bald patch. Perhaps more of the guys ought to take note of looks, not for pride and conceitedness, but to stay good looking for their wife so she continues to admire him into older age. Self-image is very important in any relationship.

If you are a European woman and live in Bangkok or many other South East Asian cities, the local women look minute in comparison to you! My secretary ate six large meals a day, yet was so slim she could have “metaphorically speaking” disappeared on turning sideways!

Feelings of self-worth can take a battering when size 10 in women’s dresses is counted as extra-large! Feelings of poor self-image are reinforced every time you go shopping and cannot even find a dress that’s large enough to close the zip; or find a bra that is not padded. In Malaysia it is not uncommon to walk into a clothes shop and the assistant to say in broken English,

“Sorry, no fat sizes here!”

When a woman, size 14, is considered fat in the local environment of slim and slimmer women, self-esteem and personal perceptions take a battering. This is despite the fact that she is slim and good looking in comparison to thousands of others in a similar menopausal age bracket and amongst people of similar genetic and ancestral backgrounds, i.e. a European body-shape.

Such battering to self-worth and self-image can so easily transfer across into the marriage and a wife may start feeling that she’s no longer attractive. Husbands beware!

Relentlessly and blatantly tell your wife she’s nice, appreciated, sexy, curvy, attractive, good looking, beautiful, and you cannot keep your hands off her...or whatever is your usual language natural to your relationship.

Likewise ladies, us men have had a lifetime of shrivelling while working out in the noonday sun, eating food that made us ill, drinking water that made our insides run, being shaken about on persistently bumpy roads that spoilt our joints and gave us back problems, have had jet-lag several times a month, business meeting-itis and our hair has dropped out; help us grow old gracefully, still confident that we are still your knight in shining armour.

Within marriage these cultural shifts and cultural expectations all have to be taken on board and absorbed. They can affect how one person feels valued and accepted by the world around. One’s feelings of self-worth are a powerful emotion which can easily migrate from the outside environment to within the marriage. Some otherwise trivial issue within the marriage may be blown out of all proportion by coming along at a time when ones spouse is already feeling fragile from something outside the marriage.

Just to reemphasise; whatever shortcoming you may feel, whatever blip there is in your relationship, a period living outside your normal culture will reflect into the smallest corners of your life. When under external stresses inflicted by unfamiliar culture, tiredness, overwork, homesickness, religious differences, illness and lack of friends, you will suffer in one way or another. And as we examined earlier, when one of a couple suffers, both suffer because the two of you are now one. That stretches and compresses our relationship at the same time.

Differing enjoyment

There will always be things in a marriage that one person enjoys and the other does not. That is not the issue, nor is it the thing that makes it worthy to be put into this book. The problem, once again, is when differences of enjoyment of the living situation become more noticeable at a time when all else familiar has been stripped away. It is not as simple as one of a couple enjoying opera and the other enjoying reggae, one enjoying football and the other enjoying reading. It is more complex than that. It is to do with whether the overall experience of living and working in a particular place is enjoyable or not. Is the overall package positively beneficial and pleasant for that person?

It is certainly possible that either of a couple may find living in the new culture very different from the other’s opinion of it. As I travelled around I came across a lot of travellers and each had their own favourite story to tell. From this it soon became clear that some people really prefer Africa, Americas, Europe or Asia. There does not seem to be any hard and fast rule about it but it does seem to relate to the continent of that person’s first overseas assignment. It also seems fairly clear that once someone has realised that they have a love of a particular society, they do tend to stick to it...because that is what they enjoy.

In our case, our first assignment was in Afghanistan and so it seems to have stuck that we really do prefer Asian society. Equally we know people who love everything about Africa and could not even think of trying an assignment in Asia, diverse and vibrant as it is, in our opinion. On applying for our second assignment we were asked where we wanted to go and we said that we thought somewhere on the Indian Sub-continent would suit us well. So, the man said,

“How about going to Africa then? Nairobi.”

So we did.

It was fairly unusual to accept. Many wouldn’t. And we were glad we did as we found a level of enjoyment in Kenya that we would not have had if we had only ever gone to Asia. We are all, as a family, glad that we went. But the living- assignments after that were all back in Asia.

One cannot assume that both of a couple will share the same opinions of areas to work, like Sandy and I do. If there are widely differing opinions then this can add to the stress and strain of being where you are! Then you not only have the heat, the culture and the work to contend with but you might have feelings that you would prefer to be somewhere else. Maybe the husband settles more quickly because he is distracted by the work, and the wife longs for a friend to talk to, and something constructive and more exciting to do.

Maybe it is the other way round and the one with the principal job feels exhausted, demotivated and discouraged and the one with the secondary occupation loves being there, is having a great time enjoying sundry activities, suffers little stress and doesn’t want to leave. It can work either way.

This is where it becomes very important to have been thoroughly in touch with God’s calling prior to going, ensuring that a number of people are in on the discernment of the right place, the right location to go to. In the end you will both need that peace that this is the right place to be and that knowledge that God always has the best, absolutely the best plan in mind, for both of you.

The enjoyment of living in a particular place might be simply a vague nice feeling of wellbeing, a confidence in what you are doing and what life holds for you. It is very important that you both have similar levels of likes or dislikes for the place you are stationed, even if the defining factors are different.

It may be that factors that are not indigenous to the country grate on you, or your spouse. In New Delhi, personally I loved the big old forts, ancient buildings and the interesting history that was evident everywhere. I liked the fascinating culture and the food. But I did not like the choice of sport that I watched every Saturday morning; even though my kids were taking part, every week. I would have found it interesting to watch an Indian game maybe, such as Kabbadi, but instead, because of the overwhelming influence of American foreigners in New Delhi, we always went to watch T Ball and Baseball.

Sandy loved it but I hated it. But because of the situation, I endured it and I am glad that I did. I spent time with my boys, watching them, and with Sandy holding her hand. That for me was the important thing, not the baseball itself.

However add cross-cultural factors. Me, a Brit, watching endless hours of T-Ball and Baseball, in India, was a cultural adjustment that was far tougher than I imagined. It wasn’t the Baseball that was the major cultural-crunch, but the endurance of adapting to the arrogant brashness of American youth being constantly and loudly pumped up to win, by their coach and their very vocal parents.

Their differently used vocabulary and the body language oozed over-confidence and the, “I am important” cultural belief in oneself, came over as conceit. And my own kids were copying them without realising! For Sandy the cultural aspects were difficult too but, because she loved the sport...everything was alright.

Differing levels of tolerance

When living overseas you will definitely have to develop and endure different levels of tolerance than you had before. Remember the situation I told you about when one of a couple says,

“Isn’t it awful?” And the other says,

“Yes dear, it is.”

That will happen a lot. Both of you need to learn to encourage the other to be more enthusiastic or less critical, as the case may be. Encouraging tolerance is a great way to a better marriage and an effective way to cultural adjustment.

It is unlikely that both will have the same levels of tolerance for all things. So if you are the more tolerant one, just be patient and sit it out while the other catches up!

Maybe an issue will come up in this assignment, or a future assignment, where your tolerance is tested beyond all bounds; tested in ways you never imagined. You may be the one needing the grace of God to survive and stay cool, calm and collected with your spouse. One thing is for sure, a disgruntled spouse is not a happy spouse, and an unhappy spouse is not fun to live with. They certainly will not be able to help carry the burdens to make life lighter for the other.

Before going to live in Bangkok, we emphatically decided that we would not let the famous levels of road traffic destroy our tolerance to live there. So it was that we often found ourselves stuck in a one or two hour traffic queue...and did it matter in the bigger scheme of things? No. It did not.

Tolerance levels are often tested by those things over which we have no control. The hot weather for instance. In England everyone is short tempered and frazzled if the temperature stays at 30 degrees Celsius for more than two weeks. Try living at 38-40 or more for the whole year, and at high humidity!

Sandy is a cooler person than me; I am the one to be hot and sweaty. My level of tolerance of the hot weather is tried and tested every time I go out in the sunshine in Asia. Sandy’s tolerance levels are tested too in her ability to remain attracted to a hot and sweaty man! Some things we tolerate are and have to be just a matter of a decision to persevere!

My job required a significant level of tolerance to the persistent workload, travelling schedule and never-ending quota of meetings. Sandy’s tolerance rested on accepting the number of times I was away from home and the number of times she had to go to social events on her own.

I suspect that if our roles had been reversed we would have not stayed doing the work so long because she would not have tolerated the dangers, discomforts, travelling, tiredness, food and constant diplomatically framed conversations that were a feature of my work. I would not have tolerated her being away from home so much, on her own, in all and sundry places of which I had no knowledge.

If we had had unmatched levels of tolerance, each for our own sectors of responsibility, there would have been frustration creeping into our marriage month by month, year in and year out.

Different energy levels

As indicated above, Sandy would not have had the energy levels to go on, like I did. It was far better that I was doing it and she was stable at home day in and day out, but working at school in the same town, and sleeping in the same bed every night. I kept going-going-going (so did she, in a different way) but her life was far more under her control, she regulated how much she did or did not do. In the school holidays, when I was often away, she could spend days just sitting down to read books; her favourite pass-time.

It is recognition of these differences that helped us endure. But surprising additional tiredness problems can come up too.

In her early forties Sandy encountered a medical problem that precipitated extreme tiredness. Extreme tiredness; she would go back to bed for two or three hours as soon as I went off to work, and again during the afternoon, as well as sleeping through the night. Diagnosis was relatively straightforward, but no doubt the symptoms would not have been so extreme if we had been in a temperate climate away from the heat and humidity.

Exhaustion enhanced by hard work and too much heat can have dramatic effects on a marriage. If one person is affected more than another it can cause resentment and irritation. Imagine a husband full of life and energy immune to the heat, or used to working in air conditioned offices, and a wife exhausted and drooping from looking after children all day, shopping and looking after the home; and in the heat too. Just the thought of having sex with her husband who is bursting with energy and enthusiasm, is exhausting in itself!

Conversely, a man exhausted from his travelling responsibilities, jet lag, a bad stomach, too much work and stress, having been sleeping in guest houses with no air conditioning and no fan, gets home and is drooping in more ways than one. His wife fully rested after a days reading and relaxing in an air-conditioned room may have other ideas for an evening’s entertainment. The theatre, dining out, shopping, conversing or whatever else does not involve sleep.

In New Delhi my life was full of the stresses and strains associated with setting up a new office, running a large region covering 113 eye departments and rehabilitation centres. It was hot, I was exhausted, and the evidence shows on my driving licence photo which is more haggardly than my real life situation now, fourteen years later.

We used to go to a weekly Bible study and discussion group in a diplomat’s home. He was the Defence Attaché from an embassy and he had some massively tricky events to deal with. He was exhausted each evening, I was exhausted each evening, and we both sat in the corner, bleary eyed with tired drawn expression, worn out brain and we each took in what we could; which was not much. But at least we were there!

Differing expectations from the team

“It never rains but it pours,” so the saying goes.

Noah must have felt this on building the Ark, because God told him to. Yet building a boat when it had never rained before must have seemed folly to those around. They had very different expectations of what constituted a necessity. But when it poured with rain for days and a flood enveloped everything, Noah was equipped to withstand the trials.

In many mission situations we are not sole workers. We are usually part of a team. That is where the problems arise! Not everyone will see things the same way you do; that is not anything new in life, but they will probably not see the Christian issues the same way either.

Mission team members can be most insensitive and most imperceptive to the damage they may be doing. It follows that we too can make some catastrophic mistakes in our judgement of other people’s situations.

Just because the most hard working team member seems to have a great home life too, with no known problems, it does not mean that you have to do things in the same way. Who knows? It might suit his wife that he is out of the house for 14 hours every day. She might be pleased to have peace and quiet or...they might not be as happy as they seem.

In one assignment, I was on 24 hour call for maintenance issues in a Christian Conference Centre. It was impossible to have a real day-off each week because our space as a family was repeatedly violated. Despite the fact that routine maintenance issues or smaller crises were easily handled by other team members, they often wanted me to make the decision on larger issues. Therefore, after some while experiencing this turmoil to our family time, we undertook to go out somewhere for each day off, regardless of weather or tiredness. That was the only solution. Thank goodness access was restricted because those useful but annoying mobile phones had not been invented then!

It is important to find your own equilibrium; your own way of working that suits you both and your situation. Just because another team member has the expectation and assumption that every waking hour is for glorifying God through work (but forgetting the glorifying of God through one’s marital relationship) does not mean that you have to do the same.

Do not be fooled into thinking that whatever you do has to be totally self-sacrificing all of the time, because it is for God. You are not much practical use to God if you burn-out and become ineffective. You are not much use to Him as an example of faithful Christian marriage if one of you runs away out of boredom or one runs off to have an affair out of frustration and loneliness.

Surely, it is far better to do things to the extent that you do find it possible to keep work and marriage together, still remaining a credible witness to God’s love in your lives and to still be together years later. That is a remarkable witness to other Christians, the secular world and to those of other faiths too, most of which highly value family life.

In a car rally, there are many crises along the way. The struggles build up as the heat and the pressure is on. In the end, the cars and the teams that win through are those that stayed focussed, dealt with the issues as the race unfolded, yet still stayed on the same route as the original plan despite the apparent attractiveness of taking a short cut across no-mans land.

The expectations from the team deliver pressure. It is the determination to stick to the plan that produces the winner.

So it is with workload for Christians in mission and development. There are enormous pressures depending on many factors. Some are entirely within your control and some may seem to be out of control. Certainly most mission and development workers are a rather self motivated bunch of people. Therefore at least an element of workaholic fervour can creep into the situation. Workaholics often experience strain in their marriages in a way that they would not if they put just as much effort into their relationship.

We can also feel a misguided sense of duty ‘because God called me to do this’; not realising that he did not say that it had to be completed by tomorrow. There is a feeling especially in the Protestant tradition perhaps, that more and more work for God is the mark of a committed person, a spiritually dedicated person and a serving member of the body of Christ.

In missions and on most development programmes too, the needs and the woes suggest that every hour of the day must be absorbed in fervent pursuit of the relief of suffering...and this sometimes results in an  increase of suffering at home! We put the pressures on ourselves.

But not always!

“My goodness me,” is about the only polite phrase I can think of that describes the pressures put on one by other Christians. There are some, from other nationalities, other cultures or other denominations who are just there to exercise their own brand of Christianity.

On an occasion when we were still settling in a country, the family was young, Sandy needed to give the boys time and attention, and I was working too hard (some personally inflicted and most externally inflicted).  One mission-team member told Sandy that,

“Now you are out here you have to put your family second. You cannot pick and choose according to your own needs; the needs of the work come first. Leave the boys with someone else.”

My advice to couples just going out to serve for the first time is, do not believe this lie which will surface from time to time in any country. This is not to say that the opposite is true, that nothing matters more than the family, especially when surrounded by desperate need. There has to be give and take, balance on a spiritually discerned scale.

So far we have self imposed work pressures; situationally imposed work pressures; and pressures from the Christian “you ought-to” brigade who sow guilt into the lives of those who have other needs too. There is one additional category and I have called that the, “Well I have needs too,” category.

This might emanate from home (in original country), home (in host country), spouse, children or host country church. What I mean is that this fourth category of people might recognise that you are overloaded with work BUT, out of desperation they need help, attention, and comforting too.

We spent a couple of years in a war zone in Asia. There were a myriad things to do, unending tasks of vital importance to someone, politics and security to worry about. Yet the daily needs of the team could not be met fast enough for their liking. They were under severe work pressures too and needed to take it out on someone.

I used to dread 3.30pm to 4.00pm when the clinics closed for the day and the staff would come into the office to collect mail and suchlike. A thousand complaints and a hundred disappointments flooded in; that their house still had not been painted or a curtain rail repaired (because we had been working on the vital reconnecting of water or electricity to another house.)

Their response would indicate that, “Yes, yes, I hear your excuses but that is no good to me. I have needs too.”

Under such unrelenting strain, home, marriage and fatherly duties are hard to accomplish in a good and relaxed way. Even at church the pressure did not dissipate. There was insufficient space for me to have a weekly recharge of personal and spiritual batteries. I often had people bringing their personal and practical needs, (which were my work), into church.

At church, in the queue to receive Holy Communion one week I was tapped on the shoulder by a team member to ask if her exit-visa was ready yet! Another time someone leaned forward during the reading of scriptures in church to enquire about a maintenance issue.  A friend jokingly said that it would be easier to send round the collection plate for job requests for Peter, before a second round for the money offering! Maybe he was right, but for wrong reasons.

There are churches all over the world where a few people beaver away evening after evening, working for the Lord...but to the detriment of their own restfulness, their spouse and family and also more tiredness in their daytime job. Instead of more people of the congregation being brought in to help, the same few are burdened with the whole lot.

Whatever the denomination, it is like a disease, an impairment which is sweeping churches with a vengeance. Maybe you are in a church which is immune to its ravages at present, but be warned! The disease is called busy-itis and it affects a small proportion of many congregations. There is a larger proportion of people who have no chance of catching it and are a contributory factor to the prevalence in others. They just opt out of any service on the premise that they are not qualified, able or capable.

Some in the church simply cannot say no to another member of the congregation, the church committee or the church leader. It makes them feel important and it makes them feel they are honouring God in their devotion.

You know which category you are in. Busy-itis or opt-out-itis. There should be a balance in between.

Many a man or a woman is guilty of busy-itis when actually they should be spending more time at home with their wife / husband / children. There is a word called no. Or maybe they spend a lot of time in busy activities of the church because their wife / husband / children are at home? Now, there’s a thought...

When we went to Mission Training College in Birmingham we were keen to be involved in everything. We were keen to be seen to be dedicated and participatory and in any case we wanted to benefit from the experience as much as we could. We were really dedicated.

When Sandy’s tutor discussed with her about the options to balance looking after our family (a four month old baby who did not sleep at night at all, and a 2 year old) with the rigours of meetings, lectures and assignments she said,

“Do as much as you can.”...which to us, and particularly Sandy, meant,

“Do as much as possible, but if you simply cannot make it to one or two lectures we will understand and nothing will be said.” As a result, she did almost everything and part way through the course, Sandy was told by the doctor to spend a week in bed due to exhaustion.

The next term, another young family came and the same was said to the young mother of two children. She interpreted it totally differently and it was understood more along the lines of,

“It’s pretty tough trying to bring up a family in this environment, so as your husband is the one with the main job overseas he really ought to go to most things, but in your case your prime responsibility is keeping the children and the home going well. And, if it turns out you can fit in a lecture or two in a week, then that’s fine, but don’t fret if it’s not possible. We completely understand.”

That is a world of difference when you have two or three young children to look after.

Correctly understanding the implied messages is all important.

How long will it take for Christians to see that an excellent marriage is of more benefit to the next generation than many other things?

The structure of society depends on it.

Chapter 16 Coping mechanisms; illnesses and accidents.

Illnesses and accidents are not the exclusive domain of a life overseas in a foreign country; it is not uncommon that the situations discussed here also happen at home, to anyone. However, the overseas living scenario is more prone to illnesses and accidents, or at least the process of recovery from accidents. Medical care can be patchy, unreliable and expensive. It might even be absent. Climate and restful conditions might not be conducive to well-being and recovery.

At very least, because our health and medical treatment are such iconic idols to many people in Europe and America, suggestions of having to accept anything ‘sub-standard’ is shocking.

Couples have to endure, enjoy and negotiate their way around a complex system of treatment and care, hardly knowing what’s what and who’s who. Even aiming for the best locally available, even if it is affordable, cannot guarantee standards. In one country where we worked the best was rather sub standard. A new glossy high tech hospital was built and the British Embassy doctor went on an inspection visit to know whether to recommend it to the British expatriate community. He found that even the so-called best new hospital in the capital was woefully short on implementing good sterile technique with instruments in the operating theatre.

Illness far from home, far from familial support, far from the back up of seeing a consultant who speaks the same language, is a most tricky business and even the most experienced traveller might help and encouragement.

The nature of living in the tropics is fraught with complications of a medical nature... from infected mosquito bites right through to life threatening cancers. Mega illnesses such as cancer of certain body parts have predominance in certain parts of the world, just as in others there is a lesser incidence of certain diseases. It is all very confusing and we hardly know what negatives or positives we are letting our family in for when going to our assignment.

Complications of being ill long-term in the tropics, a long way from home, are not just limited to variable levels of healthcare and variable levels of availability of medical supplies and pharmaceuticals. Just as it can affect relationships when you are ill at home, it can have devastating effects on marital relationships particularly if you are far from home, other support networks, family and friends.

Illness

Illness is something that nearly every human being has to contend with over a lifetime; some more than others. Some people are unbelievably fit and healthy, some are fit and healthy in the general sense that they never have days off work, but they do have things wrong with them that only nearest and dearest know about. They can drag on and on sapping strength, enthusiasm and determination. I know from personal experience.

Some people are fit and healthy one minute and dangerously ill the next day. Totally out of the blue, the situation has changed and immediate adjustments are made. These adjustments are akin to those that need to be made when someone has an accident, and this is discussed in the next section.

However, one of the most difficult issues a marriage can face is a recurring severe illness. It can place unbearable physical and emotional strain on everyone concerned...yet often with no sign of release from the cycle of illness and recovery, decline and treatment.

In researching this book, the following story of Greg and Meg was one of the most captivating that came in. To outsiders their example of faith is notable, their reliance on God commendable; yet even they struggled to survive the all consuming attacks of illness, exhaustion and the emotional roller-coaster of treatment and recovery.

This was the experience of Greg and Meg who have been married thirty years and had been through the joys and heartaches of bringing up a family of six children on limited income. Over the years of being involved in mission in the local church they had learnt to trust God in a mighty way, and He had always been faithful, if not in the ways that they initially expected or wanted. Somehow each new challenge that came their way was not predictable.

Greg and Meg were serving the church in Ghana and though the church was very supportive, there were culturally different views and expectations to deal with, in addition to Greg’s recurring long term illness. Greg had been ill on and off for much of his life and it was apparently not getting better. It affected his life, work and ministry. People had, and still do, pray for him, but full healing eluded him. Many times they considered giving up on work and retiring early.

Meg found it highly stressful making right decisions concerning Greg’s needs especially when he was not in a fit state to make those decisions himself. It is not that she is indecisive, or weak, but she had married Greg firmly believing that it is part of marriage to take major decisions together.

For example, she never quite knew when it was best to contact the doctor, bringing him all the way from the neighbouring town which was many miles away or to call for the air ambulance to take him to the capital Accra. Though it was only a small plane, it still cost a lot, and the arrival of the plane made such a fuss that the locals all came out to watch. Greg did not want such a high profile to his illness.

Apart from the medical considerations there were the opinions of the local people to contend with. They couldn’t even think of obtaining such a service for themselves or their relatives. Meg sometimes had to ‘overrule’ Greg’s view on what should be done as he often did not want to go to hospital, feeling he did not want to leave the family or let down people at work.

Meg found the tension arising from deciding what was right for them both could be very difficult. As a Christian wife she wanted to be loyal to her husband and allow him to lead and be head of the family; to honour his decisions. She had to remember her early teaching on being a submissive wife; that it means being prepared to give of her best for the benefit of her husband, her marriage and herself...not being a yes-woman and a ‘doormat.’

In the end Meg had to be strong for the both of them, and that, sometimes, meant going against Greg’s instructions. That was more difficult than the illness because it made her feel guilty.

Both of them experienced tension arising as a result of the enforced change of roles within the family. Of course, Meg had to continue to care for their six children during the times Greg had to go into hospital in Accra, but she had to take over Greg’s role as well. Meg found it hard at times, having to make decisions on her own that they would have normally made as a couple. And of course all those little things that seemingly went wrong as soon as he was in hospital; tap washers, broken gate latch, hole in the fence didn’t get fixed so quickly. Somehow Meg found time to visit Greg in hospital too, yet worried about their six children waiting back at home.

Meg found balancing hospital visits with the needs of the family a real juggling act.  There was pressure from the feeling and the need to be in two places at once, at home as well as at the hospital, and then not having enough space to deal with her own emotions. Meg had to be strong for all the family, all at once. She found that this could take its toll on frazzled nerves and tiredness, and still she had to remain calm, placid and loving to Greg when she visited him.

Meg found that some of Greg’s medication could be character changing and this adversely affected Greg’s attitudes to her! She realised with a shock one day that if she had not been aware of this it could so easily have caused extra problems in the relationship.

Meg told me “If you begin to think that this (character change) may be happening, you may need to speak to doctor about it. The drugs Greg had to take resulted in him getting angry quite quickly. I knew it was not really his character but it was still hard to deal with.”

The trouble is that in many countries there is not always the availability of suitable alternatives and one is left with the choice between enduring the character change, and all that implies and feels like, or denying the medication which is vital to the ongoing treatment and recovery.

Meg told me too of the tensions on returning home.

“Everyone gets excited about the homecoming but it can bring its own problems. Greg was often still very weak and just the physical energy expended in coming home left him physically and emotionally drained.  It is very different Greg being in hospital than being at home with, in our case, a number of children.

Keeping them away from daddy or keeping them quiet was not easy.  The most difficult part of the return home for me was readjusting to our former roles within the family. I had been running everything for weeks. Now we were back together we both needed to adjust.  It was not easy for either of us. Greg felt frustrated at not being able to return to his full role at home whilst convalescing and I was not completely sure about my role either. There were grey areas and they could lead to unhelpful disagreements.  There was also the frustration he felt about the delays in returning to work and continuing, in his eyes, to be letting people down.”

Greg then took over to tell how he had felt through all this medical care for his illness.

“The first time I was hospitalised was before our marriage and, during my time there, I came across Romans 8:28(...in all things God works for the good of those who love him...) which was a real encouragement to me as I was extremely unwell. Despite numerous recurrences, the truth of that verse has stayed with me; that God is in control. However, that may have been easier for me to keep that in mind when all I was doing was resting in a hospital bed. Meg had all of life to deal with!”

“Perhaps the hardest time for me was when after a long period of good health and a strong conviction that I may at last have been healed of the problem, it suddenly returned. This was an enormous shock to me and my emotions overwhelmed me for a time. I know that for Meg the rollercoaster of my medical history has left emotional scars that she has had to address over the years through prayer and discussion both with myself and others.”

“Long periods of recovery can be very frustrating. Although your body is weak and you have little energy to do much, mentally it is hard to avoid the feeling that your life has become purposeless and that you are something of a failure.”

Sadly, this feeling of being purposeless had a very negative effect on Meg who was urgently looking for signs of recovery and support now Greg was home.

Greg and Meg found, as countless missionaries before them have found, that when you are involved in Christian mission in the local church, many people look up to you, and you feel that you’re under scrutiny. People watch how you react and how you behave despite adversity. After all, ministry in mission is often with those who live in families that have suffered in many ways since before anyone can remember.

However, by the grace of God and through the love and care of friends and family Greg and Meg found the difficulties eventually passed; for the present anyway. Greg concluded by telling me,

“For a man, being willing to talk about how you are feeling at such times is not easy, but is really important for both parties.”

Take some time to imagine how things might have worked out, what issues would have come up, and how Greg and Meg might have coped if it had been Meg who was frequently ill; the same couple, same illness, same family, but different spouse.

Knowing the couple concerned, I think they would have coped admirably...but the shape of the story would have been a rather different tale to this one.

Also, how would this scenario have worked out in your family?

Accidents and other dangers

The challenge for this section was to write something frank, meaningful and tough without being negative or defeatist! I do believe that our life and times are in God’s hands, but that leaves no room for fatalist thinking.

Many people involved in mission also have to travel quite a lot. This is obviously not true of everyone, but a surprising number have regional or country-wide responsibilities, supervising, counselling and pastoring people. Many also have responsibilities for the management of development programmes, finances, outputs and, again, people.

The travelling can be dangerous due to passive reasons such as accidents, train, road and air travel, food poisoning, infections or medical emergencies which would not be such an emergency if the available facilities were more sophisticated.

Depending where you work, there may be active reasons for danger such as muggings, civil unrest, military activity, landmines, terrorist attacks and opportunistic attacks. There may also be racially or religiously motivated attacks.

Fortunately these dangers are few in comparison with the number of people that are out there working cross-culturally and through interfaith dialogue. But the dangers are real, the fears are real and most missionaries can point to a situation of unfortunate demise experienced or known of.

Psalm 121 has been a powerful assurance to me and many who went before me. However, the promise that...

“The Lord will keep you from all harm” (v7)

...is of limited comfort when your honest feeling is fear.

How does this affect marriage and our marriage relationship, any more than it affects us personally when we are afraid?

In our case Sandy and I had to become used to my very frequent absences from home. I was travelling away to other countries throughout Africa and Asia, at various times in my time working for international charities and Christian missions. I would be away for about 100-120 nights, spread over perhaps 25-30 trips per year. That was a lot of goodbyes, a lot of wondering whether I would get back safely, but at least I had the advantage of usually knowing whether I was in danger or not. Sandy could only imagine...until the next phone call.

Over about 20 years of travelling, I was aware of, and felt, significant personal danger through,

         1 hostage situation.

         1 accident involving emergency surgery.

         1 insect bite with very septic repercussions.

         18 months living in a war zone and being followed by the secret police.

         2 years living in conditions of civil unrest motivated by poverty.

         Several incidents of pointing and waving of guns with threatening behaviour.

         1 armed police escort travelling through “bandit country.”

         2 specific and targeted threats with guns.

         Innumerable cases of blatantly bad driving standards, dodgy vehicles and appalling roads.

         4 days travelling on precipitous, unfenced, inadequately narrow mountain roads with major rock-falls and landslides.

         1 minor car crash (as a passenger).

         Several long journeys by through areas famous for train and car hijackings.

         A small number of near-miss aircraft situations.

         Missing a substantial air crash by one flight.

         1 country visit in a period of civil unrest under control of the army.

         10+ visits to a country famous for landmine injuries.

         Experiencing a substantial number of earthquakes/tremors.

         Much poor quality and unappetising food, prepared in unsanitary conditions.

No doubt there were many and varied threats to my safety that I was not aware of at the time, or have forgotten, and by the grace of God I was kept safe.

In addition to the things that actually happened to me there were many dangers around me, not least of which were the kidnapping of a colleague, the murder of three colleagues, a colleague’s car being carjacked at gunpoint, two colleagues dying in separate plane crashes, and a serious car crash involving brain damage to a colleague. Yet in mission and International NGO circles, my experience would not be counted as unusual.

It is not surprising therefore that each time we parted, we never seriously knew whether I would be back again. Certainly for Sandy, bravely waving goodbye, she had no knowledge of what would happen to me, what I would get up to, precisely where I would go, whether her husband and her children’s father would make it back again.

Though we did not regularly talk about it in those terms, we both knew that when I phoned home and started the call by saying that I was calling to say,

“I am alright...” it was both a shock and a relief for us both. A shock for Sandy because she did not know I had been in danger anyway, and a relief to know that I was now alright.

Such things can put a strain on a relationship that few can comprehend. It takes trust in each other’s abilities, faith in God’s provision and belief that what we are doing is the right thing for this period of our lives. We also had to trust that in each others absence, the other would not turn to someone else for solace.

It is challenging for most wives (and husbands) to imagine a life in which their spouse may not return. My heart goes out to the families of soldiers or other military personnel stationed away in battle zones where the precise reason for their absence is the danger they face day in and day out.

Chapter 17 Baggage: two suitcases and a rucksack.

Baggage

Go to any international airport today and stand for some minutes looking at the baggage loaded onto trolleys at the check-in counter. After your flight look at the enormous bundles of baggage on the turntable in the luggage reclaim area. There are suitcases; soft ones, hard ones, expensive ones, cheap and shabby ones. Sports bags with torn handles and bundles tied up in plastic or cotton sheeting, secured with sticky parcel tape. Boxes of fruit, boxed electronic goods and probably boxed contraband. There’s just too much heavy baggage. It can’t all be necessary.

Then as each person retrieves their prized, oversized, delayed and damaged goods they proceed to the red and green channels. The temptation to go through the green channel is compelling, and many people walk with a forced innocent expression on their face hoping not to reveal the restricted or over-quota item lurking in their bags.

Do you have anything to declare? The question rings out, the heart misses a beat, you mentally check the number of things you bought on your journey, and looking round you find the question is directed elsewhere.

So it is with marriage. When we check-in at the engagement many of us are carrying heavy baggage; too much of it, and we might have things to declare before the wedding.

Why is heavy baggage bad for a marriage? Attitudes, regrets, sins, lack of Godliness, past or present secrets, longings to do other things which will be hampered or obstructed by marriage. Maybe even having a second agenda in your reasons to get married; not because you love him, but because the marriage is the way out of another situation? These items of baggage all nibble away at a good relationship.

In a sense, getting to know someone before getting married is a little like going through the red or green channel; but all too often potential spouses creep through green when there are red items of baggage that should be declared.

So what is baggage? We all bring a lot into our marriage. Couples will have lived a number of years before they met and they will have lived in one way or another; not necessarily the same way they mean to go on. Those things might not always be understandable or acceptable to the spouse.

This is particularly so if the courting couple come from very different backgrounds or cultures; one may think one’s past situation is horrendous and unacceptable and the other may feel that it was relatively trivial given the circumstances. When one really does not understand the life and culture that the other grew up in and what pressures were on them, they might not understand that ‘it’ was normal in that environment.

An imaginary example;

A young man grew up in a poor neighbourhood where the street culture was petty crime, and not-so-petty crime. Some gang violence too. Repeated arrests and warnings by juvenile courts led to the determination to break free and make a new life. He restructured his life, got new friends, and used his court imposed community service time to redecorate patients’ rooms in an old people’s home.

That new life led to the meeting of the girl of his dreams, a nurse and his wife to be. She, from a pleasant home, privileged school, and cultured background might need to make big strides to understand and accept his background and criminal record. What a crisis if she had not found out the details until they were already married. She would feel deceived if he had not been completely straight with her.

Another imaginary example;

She was from a nice home and had everything she needed, friends thought, including a loving mother and father; except her father was too ‘loving’. He had repeatedly abused her from a young age; so young that she had been thirteen before she realised it was not normal.

The emotional pain she felt had affected the building of the relationship with her boyfriend and he did not understand why. She could not reveal the shame and the reason for her emotional and physical distance from him.

Eventually they married, but he felt betrayed when he found out. Though it was illogical to feel betrayed because she herself had not done anything wrong, he did feel shut out and not good enough to have been entrusted with her secret. It took a long time to understand why she had been so evasive about her childhood and could not even share it with him, her husband.

Such issues of baggage may not be something that one has done, but it might be set ideas or attitudes that are ingrained in a person’s life from their upbringing, from their parents or schooling, from their social surroundings. Such things are very difficult to change, particularly if a person does not see the need to change. If they see their troublesome trait or attitude as part of their being, they may wish to continue being like that, despite the hurt to their spouse.

But, if the marriage is to go ahead and to succeed, the prevailing area(s) of tension would need to be cleared up, as much as is possible before the marriage. Some things cannot be undone except with the grace and forgiveness of Jesus, but it is a big step of faith for both parties to realise and accept that.

Even if it was not cleared up before marriage, take the opportunity to clear it up before setting out on mission. Talk about it before you go, if you have not already, but don’t dig up the things which are already fully dealt with. But beware of the issue being perceived as sorted out by one spouse, but unresolved by the other.

Sensitively uncover all of your life, your spouse deserves the best you can give, not evasiveness, and be prepared to ask for forgiveness. Spouses, even if forgiveness is not asked for, be bigger than the situation and be prepared to freely give it, because God has already promised a new life for those who trust in him.

Unpacking the bag

Unpacking a rucksack or a suitcase after a holiday or a business trip, especially after a long journey in a very hot country, is a smelly business. Dragging out all the laundry is not attractive, but what spouse would not do that for his / her spouse. Who would not help with the sweaty shirts and the smelly socks?

So it is with ‘unpacking the baggage’. It takes two, it takes time, it takes sensitivity and understanding. It takes more listening than speaking, less interrupting and more patience. It allows one to finish even if the words do not come out easily.

Maybe it takes more time to think about what to say and what not to say. Maybe conversation is not the best medium and then you could consider writing to your nearest and dearest, your husband or wife, a letter which explains it all. We did precisely this on a marriage review weekend we attended after seven years of marriage, after returning from our assignment in Afghanistan.

The rules of the game are that you must finish reading your spouse’s letter before you comment, explode or pull strange faces! You also have to commit to reading it and responding with the same sensitivity with which it was written.

This can bring issues into the open and so some closure is also necessary. Burning the letter(s) together, shredding it / them, placing it / them at the foot of the cross are all ways people use to symbolically and visually see the matters closed and gone.

I urge caution here. If you are aware from your own knowledge of your spouse that this is definitely not going to be an acceptable way to handle issues, then professional advice for both of you, in the form of Christian Counselling, is strongly advisable or even necessary. There are some details in next chapter.

A lighter load

Baggage is lighter when it’s a shared load. Put it in two suitcases rather than one, it is easier to carry.

Everyone understands that putting a heavy load into two suitcases does not actually make the burden lighter in real terms, but when you are only carrying one of them it certainly seems so. It is the experience of many Christians that lightening the load is such a full and final act that the suitcase not only feels lighter; it is lighter! It is the mystery of forgiveness.

Others will experience that the burden, though immeasurably lighter, might not totally go away at all. It still tips the scales in the wrong direction. Maybe that is a despicable work of Satan? Or maybe it is something that God is teaching you about forgiveness and all that truly implies. It certainly teaches us all collectively something amazing about the magnitude of the forgiveness that Jesus gave for all those who come to him.

When I was nineteen something happened in my life that would not crop up again until much later, recently in fact, when I would recognise the significance of it. At the time I thought it was just a laugh, but I realise now that God was teaching me something even then, before I became a Christian.

I was on my first serious mountaineering course; the first of many. We had had a tough day and had sweated our way to the summit with heavy rucksacks, full of supplies, wet tent, sleeping bag, cooker and winter mountaineering gear.

As we rested for lunch, some of the lads played a trick on another team member and surreptitiously slipped a few large rocks into his rucksack. On setting off he did not notice and walked the rest of the day with the substantial extra burden. Not till about four in the afternoon did we stop again and get some food out of our packs. As he got his, he found the rocks and with contempt for the rest of us, threw them out with much gusto.

The rocks represent the burdens that we do not know are there. These burdens can become bigger than expected, especially if they originate from a source, or circumstances, or a culture that we do not fully understand.

The joke was then on the rest of us in the group. He, and his muscles, were so used to carrying around that massive burden that, when he set off again, he felt ultra light in comparison to the previous few hours. He set off with such a substantial spring in his step, aided by the relief of such a comparatively light pack, that no one else could keep up with him. We were the lethargic ones by comparison; the overloaded ones. We had not had the opportunity to cast away any of our weighty burdens.

So it is with past baggage, sin, misdemeanours, hurts, misunderstandings. When they are cast aside and the burden is lighter, there is a spring in the step that is visible for all to see.

In your marriage, how are your two suitcases and the rucksack? Check them out before you check them in at the airport, on the way to your destination.

Chapter 18 Losing your way.

We all know that losing our way, metaphorically, is not something we do. Not till it happens.

Every mountaineer, every sailor, every explorer learns how to navigate. Classes from early on instil in them an awareness of maps and compass, though these days lots of adventurous types have GPSs. How to set the map, how to use the GPS, how to take a bearing, how to follow that bearing in the sunshine when there’s a good view and how to navigate when the rain is falling and it is foggy. Worst of all we are even told how to navigate in white-out conditions when the white sky from clouds above blends with the swirls of snow in the air and the mounds of brilliant white snow lying on the ground. Navigating through all the confusing and befuddling aspects of a winter mountain takes nerve and courage

So why not train in marriage too?

When setting out to sea, or climbing a mountain we are not expected to know how to navigate without having had preparation. Why should we know how to navigate through marriage without preparation? So it is in mission; the best organisations put their candidates through a period of training and orientation; language training too. However some organisations send people out expecting them to do well but with virtually no preparation. Why is that, and why do we not expect married couples to lose their way?

Becoming different people in a different place

The cause of losing your way is the sudden appearing of surprising or unfamiliar landmarks.  We don’t know what to do with them and we don’t know what they mean. This is exactly what happens when we set out to explore new places, still suffering culture shock several weeks after arriving. Every day surprising and unfamiliar features of our new life get in our way, cause confusion and the result is a loss of direction and purpose.

A different culture and a different way of doing things is a sure way to confuse even the sharpest brain. If one of a couple naturally loves change and the other hates it, there is the potential for friction. Culture adaptation is big enough for two people to grow apart over the issues; to make people behave differently in their new situation.

A caged animal in a zoo can be very happy if it’s in a suitable and appealing environment. The animal may be contented enough to live, eat and mate as if in the wild. But if the zoo environment is a source of hardship and unhappiness, the character of the animal can change and relating with others of the species will be a low priority. Eating and mating may be dysfunctional.

Such is the nature of man (and woman too). Take them out of their comfort zone and we should expect to encounter the unexpected; even temptation to go astray.

Being a man in a world of temptation

Just because a man is a priest, a church worker, a missionary, a man of great faith, does not indicate that he has now left his hormones in the fridge!

As long as we remember that, wives remember that and church boards remember that, the weaknesses and frailty of man should cause fewer problems. For many men the hormones and the eyes are far more powerful than the will to resist, even if there is a beautiful wife at home. The testosterone does not stop flowing when husbands leave home. One problem is that his wife is at home, not here! The other is that the unknown is mysterious.

I travelled and worked for a number of years in South East Asia, sometimes amongst the glittering world of travel executives and smart hotels, in and out of towns and cities where sex shows, strippers, prostitutes, pornographic videos and TV programmes were rife. Apart from the regular tourist trade and business clients, most hotel bars were a place for meetings and many hotel rooms for liaisons. The meetings that people made were commonplace and were not always with people they did not know. Maybe it was the assistant, the secretary or colleague who a man saw more than his wife.

Add to that the likelihood that discussion and good communication will diminish the more a couple are apart. Maybe communicating with someone else becomes more of an interest? I don’t think that the potential results need to be spelled out in graphic detail. Most husbands will understand what I mean and so will most wives.

I acknowledge that many mission staff do not circulate in environments of sexual temptation all the time; but they might do from time to time; or there may be a different temptation to contend with. It is not only sparkling nightspots that deliver temptation. When a man is far from home, who knows what he gets up to? Temptation may not appear in the form of such overtly beckoning features of life, but might appear in the quiet and subtle support and encouragement of a female colleague who is more ‘understanding’ than a man’s wife. The fact that she is demurely dressed and not at all ostentatious might even add to the hidden mysteries.

Church history from Biblical, ancient, middle ages, modern and recent times, is full of indiscretions that were never intended to be. Some are in the history books and archives, some never came to public light, but some were known about by faithful Christian wives who suffered a lifetime of pain and haunting anguish because of what they had realised; and what they knew.

Husbands; be honest with your wife about the temptations that are out there, apparently waiting for you. Be accountable.

Wives; listen and understand and take action. Your husband is not evil because he admits to having the drive and feelings that his God-given hormones produce. That’s more or less how the two of you got together.

Being a woman in a world of temptation

A Pastor, a Christian counsellor gave his pearls of wisdom on this in a sermon and I daresay he might be right, but I have not had the life-situations to research it.

“Men get into sexual relations because they want sex. Women get into them because they want to be loved.”

That implies that women do not crave sex for itself; but they do want to be loved. However, I am sure there might be howls of protest out there from women who are desperate to find ways to motivate their man more!

Though no doubt this is a simplification of the situation, I guess there is much truth in it. The libido of men and women is often discussed in jokes and smutty chat but there would appear to be some biological reality in the likelihood of men wanting sex more often than women do, in general. Conversely, from what I read in the newspapers and by implication of what is reported on the TV news I guess there are plenty of women who crave sex.

In these liberal days the risks are now not only on offer to men. Women too are sometimes put into situations of temptation, particularly in some of the exotic places of entertainment reputedly available in many big cities.

It is not unheard of for Japanese women’s groups, annoyed with the persistent absence of their businessmen husbands, to club together and fly off to the sun for a girls’ weekend away. If the newspapers are to be believed these Asian cities host their entertainment consisting of visiting ‘fashion shows’ of suited men and picking out their chosen one by the number on his wrist label.

“I’ll have that one.” She says pointing...

And she does.

There’s something about the expatriate circuit that gets the desires going...it is nothing new. You only have to read about Kenyan / Nairobi expat society around the years of the Second World War and you will get quite an idea what I mean. It was notorious and was called the Happy Valley set.

For women in particular it would appear that men in situations of power and influence are very attractive; handsomely attractive; financially attractive; sexually attractive.

Many expatriate men are in senior leadership positions and their power attracts women. It attracts local ladies of a similar or younger age (his secretary perhaps) and it attracts the expatriate lady of whatever nationality, especially as many are in the category of “trailing spouse” as they are unflatteringly called! Many have time on their hands.

I found a mission colleague quietly reading a self help book entitled “Coping with Change” and stumbled on the fact that he had come home from his last trip up-country to find his wife was having an affair with a smart banker chap from the currency market in the city.

I do not know the details very well, but I gather one source of the breakdown was her feeling of loneliness, wanting to be loved and wanting to be needed. A man of power and influence was available when her husband was not.

Maybe I am wrong; but as for men, perhaps it was just the sex she craved?

Whatever the cause, a young man in mission suddenly found himself reading a book that he never imagined would be necessary. “Coping with Change”

Wives; be honest with your husband about the temptations that are out there, apparently waiting for you. Be accountable.

Husbands; listen and understand. Your wife is not immoral because she admits to feeling the need for comfort, attention, being loved and cared for; or for having sexual feelings. You’d be very upset if she didn’t have such needs.

We need marriage to be fulfilling

Such stories always indicate the need for marriages to be fun and motivating, with each other, in the bedroom...or elsewhere that privacy is assured. How fortunate that times have changed in Christian circles. Changed from former times when, we understand from speculative and circumstantial anecdotes, that churches hardly dared talk of sexual relations between husband and wife in any positive or encouraging way. There were always nasty or unhelpful connotations suggesting a man’s lack of restraint or a woman’s necessary and unavoidable suffering.

There are many books available on the Christian book market which emphasise good, excellent, exciting personal relationships for Christian couples. This book itself is not intended to go into that topic in any depth, but does encourage Christian couples to actively explore and frequently pursue the best possible physical relationship that suits the both of them.

With all the resources that are available, many of them with sound biblical back-up for the advice, there is no need to wallow in pity mumbling self defeat in terms of;

“I suppose, well I mean, all things indicate we are just not compatible, you know, in the bedroom and all that.”

The resources are there, the counselling is available, help is at hand; but above all, if a fulfilling intimate life is what you both want and need, then your spouse is there. Talk, communicate, explore, be forgiving, be full of grace, be bold, be adventurous, be together. Whatever situation you are in may not change overnight (so to speak!) but persistence in deciding what you want together is the key.

Even in Christian mission, even in churches there have been many thousands of examples of infidelity throughout the ages. Probably thousands are in process right now. An exciting love life does not only refer to activities between the sheets, it can be every day moments of physical contact, holding hands, a spontaneous hug, a scratch to an itchy back, a surprise note or email, a cosy conversation, a romantic idea.

It is not a coincidence that I have included sections individually pointed at men and at women. The thing we have to remember is that it takes two and every time a heterosexual man strays, a woman, possibly someone’s wife, is involved too.

For the wife of a mission colleague, sexually intriguing surprise came in the form of suggestions from the house helper; the maid. She was happily working in her kitchen one day when the house helper, another Christian, asked how long she had been married.

The helper speculated that it must be boring to have sex with the same man all the time! Apparently, according to this lady, in Kenyan culture women regard sexual appetite much like the appetite that you experience for food. The thinking is that you do not eat the same meal of plain rice every day for the rest of your life, so why would you only want to experience the same man?

Expatriate lifestyles are famous for being an aphrodisiac to many. There are often higher salaries, possibly less taxation, often fancy living, fine social occasions and a feeling of camaraderie that draws people together in circumstances that would not have happened before.

People identify with others from the same company, from the same country and the same age group, in stronger ways than would happen “back home.” Over our years overseas we have heard of many liaisons, affairs and marriage splits that may not have happened had everyone been in their natural situation. There is something about the lure of the tropical beach, the sun going down on a balmy day that gets people going.

Injured and wounded

In such circumstances, when a marriage falters, it is highly likely that one or other, or both, will feel injured or wounded. Jealousy is an incredibly potent feeling. The wounds are likely to be impossibly deep; too deep to see, too deep to measure and too deep to unravel or uncover easily. It always takes time, and more time, and even then the wounds might not totally heal. It is important not to underestimate the damage that this causes to feelings, self esteem, ability to resist depression and despair.

If you have a broken leg with complications of compound fractures and a lot of pain, the damage is there for all to see and everyone understands the trauma you are going through. Importantly, medical science knows that after resetting, plastering, six weeks of healing and a few sessions of physiotherapy the healing will be obvious. There are few, if any, social issues or stigmas attached to such an injury.

But affairs of the heart, affairs of the sexual variety strike deep into the soul in a hidden place that cannot be seen. It’s not easy to reveal to others as there is so much hurt that weighs too heavily to get it out. There are social pressures not to say too much, not to reveal too much and not to appear vulnerable.

Injured or wounded is not really an adequate description to this section but I cannot think of any other that fits. Injured is perhaps too mild and wounded sometimes implies that it is temporary, instead of long term.

One Christian lady, on finding out that her Christian husband had been unfaithful and would now set up home with his mistress, could not focus on the short term, the present or the situation in hand now. She could not identify a point from which to rebuild her life. There was just too much to cope with and it was easiest to rationalise things by assuming that her husband had not really been a Christian after all. There were a lot of contributory circumstances that led up to him leaving. But that was not the primary crisis. The biggest issue was around the apparent impossibility to build a new life and move on.

All she could think of was the concept that, after the divorce, no other Christian man would want to marry her as she was now “second hand or damaged goods.” Her hurt for an apparently broken future seemed worse to her than the broken past; which itself was a catastrophe.

No amount of reassurance was adequate. The long term issues are sometimes the hardest to reconcile.

Happy ending: she is now remarried, to a Chriatian, in circumstances no one could have anticipated.

Guilt and anger

Guilt and anger are two of the most powerful feelings. They are also two of the most prevalent features of this type of betrayal

We tend to exonerate ourselves, project the issue onto others saying that,

“It’s not me; it was his / her fault” or “I only did it once” or “If you think I am bad you should see how John treats his wife. Shocking!”

Holding down the feelings or keeping it in, as if it is not there,

“I cannot handle it, so I’ll hide it.” This just builds up the anger.

Or, many keep themselves so busy that issues are less obvious to those around. Working hard to make yourself too tired is a defence, so that it is not obvious that actually you don’t want to talk to your wife any more!

What other types of escape are there? Escaping into drink, drugs, smoking or illicit sex are common ones, but surely there are almost as many ways to escape reality as there are people and personalities. How about the man who always plays golf, excessively? Or the man who always disappears to the shed to make things, for a disproportionate amount of time? Or the lady who fills her social and shopping diary too full to spend much time at home. These are obviously stereotypical views, but they do illustrate a point.

The only way to get away from guilt and anger is through the path to confession, repentance and forgiveness. Confession is just acknowledging an issue; repentance is turning away from it. Forgiveness is already given by God and can be freely given by us, if we choose grace rather than legalism.

That does not make it easy, but it is a path some might choose. Some may still find the path unwalkable and may benefit from the help of a Christian counsellor.

Counselling

Professional, trained, skilful counselling is sometimes the only way forward and so is a vital necessity. For a Christian in particular, Christian counselling is a necessary route to healing and acceptance of the situation.

However, there are many routes to counselling, in the broadest sense, and different people will respond in different ways. For some, a few discussions with trusted friends, a trusted church pastor or minister, a church elder may be enough. For others a structured programme of counselling to work through the issues over a long period of months will be what is needed. It is important to consider the right type of counselling and to choose a counsellor who is qualified and accredited. Certainly they do need to be someone you can feel at ease with.

Counselling in the purely secular sense may suit some; for others traditional counselling by a Christian who blends this with prayer for healing may suit others. Christian counselling based on Biblical principles of pastoral care is most likely to suit those who have been wounded in mission and in God’s service in one way or another.

The following two addresses will be useful in finding out locally available facilities. Many doctors (GPs) will be able to recommend a local counselling service and church ministers / pastors will be able to assist with finding a Christian Counsellor.

Association of Christian Counselling

Email address mail@acc-uk.org

Website www.acc-uk.org

ACC

29 Momus Boulevarde

Coventry CV2 5NA

England

UK

British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy

Email address bacp@bacp.co.uk

Website www.bacp.co.uk

British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy

BACP House,

15 St John's Business Park,

Lutterworth,

Leicestershire LE17 4HB,

England

UK

Chapter 19 The log fire

Marriage is full of unknown mysteries. Get used to it; not everything is obvious. Unless you are very lucky indeed, you will find yourself asking yourself what this or that means; what did he/she intend to convey by that?

It is like an allegory; written in one way to mean something else. The dictionary tells us that an allegorical tale is a story, poem or picture that contains a hidden meaning.

Marriage and betrayal: an allegorical tale

Sweeping landscape, soaring mountain peaks, ice cold rivers flowing down from forests stretching as far as you can see and beyond; here and there the fragrant beauty of meadow flowers. Bright colours, stunning beauty and occasionally fragrance, all intermingle to make the perfect scene.

The sun warms and shines all around, but the recent turbulent weather had allowed a cloud or two to drift in and cast its shadow for a while, until better days returned. The blue sky far above seems to suggest infinity and all the glory of God and the universe. The scene is beautiful; the place, wilderness Canada. Stunning beauty precipitates a lack of words to describe the feelings.

It had been a wonderful week, a period of happiness, time to treasure, when even the tough uphill climbs seemed to be accompanied by sunshine and warmth.

By now dusk was falling and the shadows of trees grew in intensity, stretching out further and further till they merged with each other. The chill air of evening set in and the faint trace of a star could be seen here and there. That small and insignificant twinkle revealed the magnitude and permanence of God looking over their relationship.

The couple firmly closed the door of the trappers cabin, as much for privacy as for safety from wild animals. Bears! Mountain cats! Predators; which could, and would, attack and separate them as easily and suddenly as they had met.

Carefully piling up the damp logs and branches that he had found on the banks of the river, and the dry ones she had brought in from the forest, they started to build a fire together. And what a beautiful fire it was!

It crackled into life and burnt with an intensity that warmed the heart, warmed the toes and fed a feeling of well being throughout. They were safe and secure in each others company and the fire continued to burn. They did not want that moment to pass, to fade away as they had heard so often happened to their other friends who had not taken similar efforts to secure warmth for the long cold night ahead.

He got up from the fireside and prodded, tickled and readjusted the logs with a poker, ensuring the ash had fallen away into the grate where it could not stifle the oxygen for the flames. It was exciting to see the sparks and hear the crackles as the reinvigorated fire was tended She spontaneously got up and fed the flames with another branch as soon as the fire started to burn less vigorously.

Together they worked and worked to keep the fire blazing, for that was the best way to ensure there was no attraction to go outside in the cold, no danger from predators, and no chance of getting bored with the mere flicker of slowly ebbing embers. At the first sign of glowing embers, together they went closer to the source of the heat and fanned the flames enjoying the beauty and mesmerising sight, the shimmering colours, the enthusiastic sounds and fragrant smell as pine cones and pine needles burnt alongside logs, bursting into flame once again. The feel of the radiance warmed them to their cores, to their souls, as if they were one. That was the place to be; it would last forever like this.

He told her of a friend who assumed that once the fire was lit, it would burn and burn without maintaining it. It would blaze without poking and prodding. He thought it would still blaze even if only wet logs were used in an effort to reinvigorate the embers that had been left to cool too long. It did not work as the embers were not hot enough to produce anything more than a faint wisp of steam from the wet bark.

So the friend thought of another nearby cabin where there was still the promise of warmth from dry logs hidden from view in the store. He could enjoy warmth there. And it was hot, very hot; so hot and enticing that he didn’t return to his own log cabin for a very long time until, in due time, that fire died away too.

He should have stayed in his own log cabin, he muttered; it was so hard to get back. The snow had drifted and every step was more difficult than he could ever have imagined. It would have been so much more exciting and far less trouble to stay with his own fire and keep it tended and alive, full of those exciting sparks and flames that he enjoyed so much.

In any case the rug was nicer in his own cabin, the armchairs so much more familiar to sit in. He had not realised it till the other cabins fire died down, and the coffee ran out.

She listened to the story of his friend and recalled how one of her friends had also carelessly let her fire burn down just enough to enable the hungry bears to come a bit closer to the cabin than was comfortable. Only the sizzle of resin from the twigs and branches disturbed their story telling, but they felt quite safe as that noise indicated that all was alive and well. The fire still burned; and burned well.

A bear came a little closer, and closer still, until her friend realised that she was so familiar with him that he did not seem a threat at all. She even started to feed the bear. Closer and closer he came and the big predator became a friend, so close that they shared all they had.

The bear, oh how he loved honey, and so, eventually she gave him some from the jar that she had kept aside only for her husband, safely locked away in the cupboard; he loved honey too. But the bear only wanted honey, more and more honey till there was none left for her husband.

She needed to be needed, she wanted to be wanted, but the honey was less important to her than the berries he offered, collected from the forest fresh every day. He was only interested in honey but though she ate it too, it was really the berries that made her feel so good. They wanted different things, but each got what they wanted.

She knew it was terribly wrong to entertain bears, but that no longer mattered. She liked bears, so why shouldn’t she spend time and share honey and berries. Meanwhile her friend was still tending the fire and thought it was burning well but somehow it never blazed without her husband’s help too.

Until, one day he realised that a bear was taking all her energies. He still needed help with building the fire, but somehow she had lost it all and found it hard to return to the daily effort of building and rebuilding that log fire, however much he asked; day in and day out. The attraction was never the same, though she wanted it to be. The life with the bear had seemed so exciting, the tasty fruit berries were delicious and getting close to danger, yet not becoming hurt...so she thought, had its attractions.

Spring time came and the sap started to rise. A new dawn arose and a new season in the woods sprang up. The bear went away; after all, he had to move on as bears always do, find another place, another log cabin to visit. Bears only stay in one place for some time. She was left without honey, without berries, and a yearning that she had never squandered her husband’s honey. He wanted to know where it had gone; she couldn’t even start to say.

Ever since she became so interested in bears, she never was so good at keeping her own fire ablaze. However much she tried, however often she went out to get more logs, the fire always died down more easily. He now seemed less able to find the dry logs and the resinous twigs that were so beneficial to the making of a blazing fire, and sounded so homely and were so sweet smelling.

It took many years for the couple to learn how to make a blazing fire again. Somehow they had forgotten the art of it. His mind was elsewhere, always worrying about wild animals and predators. She said not to fret because the bears had now gone far away to other mountains; but now he was afraid of the wolves, the coyotes, and fierce mountain cats too. Anything that moved, even a rabbit in the undergrowth, was startling and distracted him from collecting dry logs and kindling.

He just couldn’t rest for fear of predators and finally thought of abandoning efforts to build log fires with her. Would he be better off living far away, safe warm and cosy in an apartment with gas fired central heating? So much more reliable, warm and appealing; he thought about it day in and day out. Shall I, shan’t I?

They decided to stop telling stories about their friends; it was too disturbing and unsettling to their peace and quiet, the bliss beside the blazing fire. They knew there were bears outside, they knew there were snowdrifts in the weather forecast, but they thanked God that they knew of these dangers that lurked outside.

Hand in hand and with one move they gave attention to the log fire and tended it together raking away the ash as soon as it appeared. The log fire, with pine needles and cones ablaze and spluttering, burns brightest and leaves the sweetest scent. The warm hearth rug, the shared mugs of coffee and a couple’s private supply of the sweetest honey, lasts longest.

Chapter 20 A roof over your head: somewhere to call home

In the apparent chaos that has characterised our life, apart from faith one thing has prevailed as being the consistent and solid item behind it all. That is our home. I have deliberately not said our house, because the bricks and mortar have been the changeable things!

There have been quite a number of places that we have called home; some of them have been relatively permanent and some have been relatively temporary. Since marrying in 1979 we have moved, or relocated, our main focus of living twenty times. In more than thirty years of being together, the longest we have ever lived in one house was almost exactly five years on returning to the UK from Bangkok.

To those who have lived all their lives in one house, or who have spent their entire marriage in one place, this must sound horrendous. I suppose there are quite a number of women out there who are thinking they are very relieved they did not marry me! The apparent instability of the life would have killed them.

However, conversely, maybe there are people whose life has been boring and drudgery; they could have relished the life we have had. Maybe it is our life that has been the stable one? It all depends on your viewpoint.

We have not known any other way to live, any other stability than we have had trusting in God for the future. That is the stability we have known. It is not a pious or sanctimonious comment intended to impress; it is the reality.  As I write, I am conscious that we have no idea at all where we shall be or what we will be doing in five years time and though we are curious about it, we are not overly worried. We wait with anticipation and suspense to see what will unfold.

Having a place to call home has always been central to our thinking and has been of enormous value in settling in any particular place. At each and every location it has taken effort and energy to establish a home, not just a house. It has often been set up and established quite quickly and we have refined house-moving down to a fine art with the ability to get sorted out, unpacked and established in three days.

A while ago we had the great enjoyment of one of our sons coming out to visit our home in Malaysia. It was interesting and heartening to hear that on the first morning after arrival, while having a shower, he had the overwhelming impression of,

“Well this is where I am living now!”

To him, he had flown half way round the world, to a flat where his parents are, and the bits and pieces of home are there hanging on the wall and placed on the shelves. The subconscious impression within a few of hours of arriving was that he had come home. He then had to readjust and rethink...

“No actually I am returning again to England in a couple of weeks.”

To us as parents it gave us particular joy that home had been so significant to him in his growing up years.

Waiting at base camp

A feature of life for quite a number of couples in mission is that one or other of the parents has to travel quite often. Some, like me, had to travel a massive amount. That means inevitably that one spouse will be left at home keeping things going, sometime for weeks at a time.

This is the source of some of the most difficult periods of life for a married couple. Don’t let anyone tell you that it gets easier when you have been married a while. In my opinion that is rubbish. If things are getting to the stage where one or other or both of a couple are looking forward to the next trip away from home; something is wrong in the relationship.

Mountaineers and explorers usually have long periods away from their wife or husband. Often the time seems interminable. In the Himalayas the Everest Advanced Base Camp (ABC) is a place at 6,500 metres where mountaineers regroup, acclimatise, rest, have medical treatment and wait for expeditions to return. A spouse might be left at home while the other is leading a hectic life cramming in as many meetings as possible into every day, or is away on a conference, or is visiting other work stations more than a days travel away. I like to think of it as waiting at ABC; but it is not as easy as a b c...; it is tough.

This is normal for many millions of mums who are married to men who travel away from home for work; military, salesmen, international businessmen, pilots. But the mission mums have an additional burden, they are also far from home, far from help from their own mum, sisters, family, friends who understand her way of thinking and cultural expectations. Mission mums (or dads) are far from support, and perhaps cannot ask anyone because there is an expectation or assumption that the missionary wife is a super-wife with no problems. Or there may be people to relate to, but they are from such a different cultural background that their understanding of the things that are affecting her are too remote.

The difficulties of waiting at ABC have some similarities to the story told in chapter thirteen on marriage and cross cultural living. That was the story of our potential placement in Pakistan, with the children and Sandy spending much of the year in the hills at Murree.

Sometimes there are no easy answers to ABC living, there are no solutions, it is just part of the pain and pleasure of working cross-culturally and internationally.

A refuge in times of trouble

The importance of a safe and secure family home cannot be underestimated in any marriage, in any circumstances.

In cross cultural living it becomes even more important that there is a place to call home; and a place that you like. A place that according to the circumstances is as comfortable as possible and is appropriate to the situation you are in.

Unfortunately it is not quite as easy as that. There are a number of cultural factors that may come into play. In a number of communities, the closed door is just not understood as being a closed door. Even if it was understood as meaning that the person living there wants privacy, the very concept of privacy might be the thing that is not understood. Maybe it originates from houses having open doors because of the heat?

In many smaller communities it is completely commonplace to go visiting and to socialise at any time throughout the day...and even the night. People drop in unannounced and it is not perceived as rude or inconvenient. It is counted as normal and anything else would be thought of as odd. Socialising is part of the fabric of the society. It’s a good opportunity to see what the neighbours have got and what funny ways they have. It’s seen as time when the missionaries can be asked to pray for you, about this or that.

That is a cultural adjustment that many missionaries have to acclimatise to. Even their home is not their refuge.

This may sound trivial and superficial if you have never experienced it. But it is a real issue for some. I have heard that outgoing and extrovert people have fewer problems with this as they can still draw relaxing energy from meeting socially at the end of a busy day. But we introverts have a serious problem adapting to lacking privacy.

Incidentally, introverts are not necessarily quiet all the time. They can do extrovert things and can even make very good actors. However, they do need to recover after a busy or stressful day by setting themselves apart from all else that is going on around them. They naturally draw their relaxation energy from peace and quiet; privacy. Invasion of privacy brings more interaction and thus more of the stress that made them tired in the first place.

These are clearly issues which might affect you when living in open or closed door societies.

There are differing perceptions of what is private and what is not; what is interesting and what is not. The rather British concept of ‘nosiness’ simply does not exist in many other cultures. Minding one’s own business is not a consideration. If something is interesting, watch it. Why not?

Bill and Avril are a so-called clergy couple.

He was the vicar of an Anglican parish in the inner city, she the devoted and archetypical vicar’s wife. Nothing strange there and actually everything was remarkably normal and traditional; except their location. The population of the parish were 97% Muslim, 2% nominally Christian and 1% other religions or atheist. This led to all sorts of challenges and tensions, disappointments and encouragements, strange and peculiar events and an odd mix of touching and charming interactions with the local community at large.

Walking down the street in the evening was a feast for the senses. Pakistani Bhangra music playing in one house, fine coloured Salwar Kamises flowing in the breeze as young ladies walked past and the sound of the Muslim call to prayer at dusk. In the evening, everywhere tasty and fragrant smells pervaded the atmosphere; an aroma of spices and cooking. It was as if one was walking through a small town in the Punjab.

It was a beautiful place to work - if you feel called to the toughest of assignments and have the confidence to build bridges to the youth, the children, the older folk and the extended families of real people who (at times) feel alienated from their heritage and roots. Christianity was equated with Westernisation and the excesses of some non-believers were therefore perceived as being in parallel to Christian beliefs, morals and ethics of living.

Bill and Avril sometimes felt prisoners in their own home, the vicarage. It was a nice house and not ostentatious by any stretch of the imagination, but was rather up market in comparison to the surrounding houses; row upon row of terraced houses from the turn of the twentieth century. Each house had its own history of trouble and strife and crumbling repairs of years gone by. It was not surprising that the imagined goings-on in the vicarage would be interesting to those who did not enter.

Privacy is not just about what happens in the house, in the lounge and the bedroom; it is not just about integrity of conversations and confidentiality of discussions between close family members. It is also about being watched.

So it was for Bill and Avril. They felt private in their house when the door was closed and the burglar alarm set for the night. But on a nice warm summer’s day they wanted to sit in the garden and relax with a book, a cup of tea, or soak up the (occasional) sun in seclusion and the privacy of the garden. However, as for the detached house, the garden was also detached...and walled! There were neatly pruned apple trees around the edge too.

It was an incredible attraction and fascination for the Punjabi families who lived in the adjacent rows of houses. They would climb up and sit on the wall; just watching, looking. There was nothing bad and nothing malicious. And, according to their culture it was not even intrusive. It was interest and concern for their very different neighbours who led a very different life.

Privacy was only something that was assured if they went away on holiday, but in general they could not afford to visit secluded villas on the Costa del Sol or go further afield to the exotic locations that some people frequent.

Privacy behind closed doors was not a problem, but privacy in the confines of their garden was.  Even recreational digging of the vegetable patch was interesting to the neighbours; why would an educated and professional man of priestly status have a double life as an agricultural labourer? Very strange! Priests and Imams in India and Pakistan would have a servant to do that.

Bill and Avril always felt under scrutiny despite the cause being innocuous and well meaning.

Of course this is just the lack of privacy from neighbours. But intrusion can come in from a whole variety of directions.

Whatever the direction, it can feel like an invasion of ones personal space, meaning that you cannot even relax at home, doing the things you do at home that are not intended for strangers. Perhaps this means that pottering about and relaxing with not much on, on your day off, is not an option; work will always pop up unannounced, particularly in mission in a small or rural community. There will always be unexpected visitors.

There will be official visitors, who are invited to come and stay or have a meal, but nevertheless are invaders, with permission. Mission families, who always open up their homes as a means of cheap accommodation for team members passing through, may feel a duty, or an obligation to be hospitable yet again; even when it is really not comfortable or convenient, or clashes with a family birthday.

Work is always there, always lurking round every corner, always waiting to float to the surface again, irrespective of whether you need time together as a couple, or not.

We had a situation in South Asia when a major work-partner of the mission wanted to come round to give greetings on Christmas morning, just as we were going off to church. In the local business community, presenting one’s greetings soon deteriorates into work discussions. Major partner or not, I had to refuse so that on one day at least, there would be no interruptions while dad was dragged away to discuss next years budget for surgical instruments and clinical consumables.

Empty nest syndrome

Once again this is a factor to life that is not limited to missionaries. Many thousands of couples experience it. But it does have extra stressful features for missionary couples as usually the ‘birds’ who fly the nest end up being so far away.

What is empty nest syndrome?

After a lifetime of bringing up children, loving them, nurturing them, fighting with them and struggling through the joy and sadness of different phases of childhood development, a parent’s emotions are firmly and tightly linked or welded to that child, who’s now an adult.

The ‘child’ moves away from the family home and goes his / her own way in life, as all kids do...and must do one day. In the developmental sense we long for this day. In the emotional sense we dread it. When they are all gone the ‘nest’ feels very empty. The fledglings have flown and it is hard for the parents to fill the gap. It is not as simple as just missing them, it is deeper than that. There is a real sensation of loss and emptiness that hurts like a bereavement. All that you both have strived for is now completed, or nearly completed, and the bringing up of a family is more or less over...though parents never stop being parents. That feeling of loss is ‘empty nest syndrome.’

An extra dynamic comes into play for a mission couple. Everything still seems the same in the life and work they have dedicated themselves to for, maybe, decades. Same house, same place far from their natural home, same people, same problems but no children to fill the house. The children are no longer entitled to a dependent’s visa in the country and so have gone back ‘home’ or have gone to university (another cultural change). But it does not feel like home for them. It is an alien environment, yet everyone expects them to be feeling at home. Most do not realise the changes that are required.

Empty nest syndrome is prevalent for many people, but at least when someone in normal circumstances loses their precious child to go off to university, or a job, or their own flat, they are often only a few miles away, a few hundred miles away, a car journey away; a train journey and you can meet up again. When mission families part it is a tearing wrench as you often do not know when you will see him or her again.

The first time our oldest son left for home we took him to the airport and waved him goodbye at only 17 years. He was going ‘home’ to work for a year prior to going to medical school. We found that very difficult and sobbed all the way back to the car.

Our first year totally apart from our own family was when we were no longer working as full time missionaries but nevertheless the situation was concurrent with what would have happened if we had been missionaries. We left our grown up children back home and set out on a new life adventure, Sandy teaching in an International school and me writing. We were alone again and our family was scattered all over the globe from the UK to New Zealand. Those first few months in our new home in Kuala Lumpur were very tough. Empty nest syndrome set in with a vengeance and we were on our own as a couple for the first time in nearly three decades, not in the original empty nest, but in a new empty nest.

Working in mission certainly does teach resilience, and dependence on God. Without Jesus walking side by side with us over the years we as a couple would have found it very hard to cope with all that life threw at us. Yet we would not have changed it for anything. There is a bitter sweet memory to every stage of our life; and sometimes the sweetest memories are part of the bitter things.

Chapter 21 Top secret; for your eyes only

You now have it all sorted!

The kids’ childhood went quite well, they are growing up, you have started to prepare for their college education, your health is alright but you have insurance anyway, you have nice friends and a good social circle, you like your church and even the kids are enjoying it; one of them is quite keen actually. You love being involved in mission; it has really given a distinct purpose in life and seeing so many people with new lives is invigorating.

The grandparents are helpful and come to visit once per year, husband’s job is getting quite senior now, wife’s career has relaunched, you have two cars (one here and one at home...wherever that really is!) and go on two local holidays a year. You even took the kids to Kenya for a safari last year.

Husband is chairman of the golf club and wife is directing social services for a local medical assistance charity that runs a mobile clinic to the slum areas. Both run a mid week prayer and discussion group. Life is busy; never a dull moment and...

STOP!

You may think life is sorted out and looking rosy. But none of those things related to the closeness in the marriage. Few of them were listed in your list of keywords from your marriage. Maybe you were too shy to list them? Or maybe you never gave them a thought; after all you have been married more than ten years now...why discuss things like closeness now?

There’s a great expression;

“Start as you mean to go on”.

The best advice for a marriage that is fine, ticking along alright, but lacking daily sparkle, is to change that expression to,

“Mean to go on as you started”

That is...there are very few marriages that did not start with the happy couple craving each others company. Finding time in a busy schedule was not a problem, was it? Where there is a will there is a way, and you found a way to spend quality time with each other. Decide to go on to the future of your marriage in a way somewhat similar way to how you started.

Why not? You didn’t feel silly when you were courting, so what is the problem now?

Privacy

To promote closeness and integrity in marriage, privacy is needed in large doses. Even for very close families it is necessary to restrict some issues to within the marriage partnership. Children are rarely equipped emotionally for the bigger issues of life; the emotional closeness or the taut strains of disagreement are not usually understandable by children. And there might be other concerns for privacy too;

In some locations or while working under some regimes, surveillance or bugging might be a problem. During our time in Afghanistan during the Afghan war with the Soviet Union, we were warned that what we said to each other in bed may well be being listened to. “They” were checking us all out for subversive or political activities. It felt like George Orwell’s book “Nineteen Eighty Four,” except that we had already reached 1985.

I wonder whether the fear of bugging would be an unbearable pressure for you or your spouse; a concern that might swing out of control? Would you relish the thought of bedtime conversations possibly being monitored?

However, privacy may also be invaded totally with permission and consent. Not all invasions of privacy are the result of sinister clandestine activity, nosiness or cultural differences. Some come about out of unavoidable circumstances.

Working on a remote mission station somewhere in the hot and dry African savannah there were only the two of you and another mission couple. The husband was the local doctor. You both got on very well with the doctor and his wife; they were more than colleagues, they were very close friends.

Your wife needs a personal examination such as a cervical smear test and the only person available to do it is the doctor, colleague and very close friend. Many men and women are able to comfortably pluck up courage for personal examination by medical staff of the opposite sex, but usually there is a distance, a professional barrier between the two of you.

But in this situation, there is a much reduced professional barrier, the doctor is even a close friend. Most men, and their wives, might be unhappy with this unavoidable invasion of privacy even though there is consent. It might be similarly awkward, but the other way round, if the wife was the doctor and your husband needed a prostate examination.

Such unintentional and unavoidable invasions of privacy can occur when working in remote areas with few facilities. Missionaries and those working in remote environments have to face overcoming their reticence in such situations.

In very many hot countries, whether living frugally or lavishly, people of relatively high education and income are expected to have servants or helpers in the house. That expectation comes from the potential helpers; the social environment expects that richer people will have helpers, it expects that poorer people will be able to earn an income by working in a “rich” person’s house. Employment is what makes the world go round.

Whilst it is true that it is lovely to have help with the housework, the laundry and the cooking, it is also true to say that the loss of privacy is invasive. Even when you get used to it, it does restrict life at home. It is something that large numbers of mission families over the years have had to become acclimatised to. The very fact that you are there to help confirms in the minds of many that you MUST employ a maid or laundry woman.

Having someone else, a relative stranger, working in and around the house, using items from cupboards, replacing laundry and ironing in drawers, going in and out of your private areas of the accommodation, can be a very strange experience till you get used to it.

The positive side of this is that when you do become accustomed to this way of life it is rather nice having jobs done for you in the hot weather. It leaves time for other things and later in life when the help is no longer there, it does become quite difficult to adapt to being without it again.

This aspect of cultural adjustment is very important to consider when setting up a home, and if one has the luxury of being able to choose the home and location, taking into account the impact of house-helpers will benefit your wellbeing.

Even if, due to the living and working situation, there are no choices of housing, just recognising that privacy is a common problem is perhaps half the battle towards surviving it.

Keeping romance alive

When we were working in Afghanistan one of the memorable features of life was the constant electricity cuts. I do not mean just occasionally. I mean that all year it was unpredictable, but in winter we went through periods when the load shedding schedule was eight hours switched on (hopefully) and thirty six hours off. It was tough and it was cold. So, we became very used to using kerosene hurricane lamps and candles for lighting the house. I also set up a system of lighting running from a car battery.

When a colleague couple went home on leave to The Netherlands some friends of theirs offered to pay for them to go out for a romantic candlelit meal. The response was a resounding NO; we want a restaurant that has bright halogen lights and fluorescent tubes, where it is so bright you can see what you are eating!

So, what is romance, what is counted as romantic?

One of the definitions of romance from The Oxford English Dictionary is “a pleasurable feeling of excitement and wonder associated with love” and another “a feeling of mystery, excitement and remoteness from everyday life.”

It appears that an essential element in the whole affair is excitement and a difference from the ordinary and the mundane. No wonder they did not want to go out for a candle lit meal!

So how do you keep romance alive in marriage? Or to be more correct in the context of this book, how do you keep romance alive when you are far from home, working too hard, having a number of cultural issues and lots of stresses to deal with, you cannot afford to do much and in any case you don’t feel romantic; you’ve got a bad stomach again?

Of course, if the bad stomach is caused by those samosas which your husband bought you from the market, as a romantic offering, you feel even worse! You would rather stay happy than romantic; romance is all too much bother!

The essence of romance is doing something different, deliberately with and for your spouse, specifically for the purpose of doing it with THEM. It is actually not much more complicated than that and so the recipe for success is not dependant on what you do, where you go, how much you do or don’t spend or whether it meets someone else’s concept of a romantic  idea.

For some people, living in some situations, it might mean that you have to go out somewhere, just to get away from the family home. Some might naturally assume it involves spending some money, that they are unused to spending. Some might always have a situational idea; such as it being anything, as long as the children are not there. Some might not have anywhere specific to go, nothing particular to do, no money to do it with, but the important thing is the spending of time together away from the work. Even a stroll down the valley to the lake...

A man stood up at the annual general meeting of a church and objected to the Pastor living off-site away from the church building, accusing him of hiding away in inaccessibility.

The realistic truth is that for effectiveness and sanity, a church pastor does need his own space and space for his family too. He / she cannot be on duty all the time, at everyone’s beck and call, dealing with congregation needs and also ministering to the sick and needy who turn up at his door at all hours of the day and night. How will he ever do anything different? How will he ever recharge his batteries and whenever will his wife have him to herself? Or for that matter, when will he have his wife to himself...

So let’s do something different, with the sole reason of doing something with and for our spouse.

For those fortunate enough to be able to afford it, and whose mission is in or near a city, there are no end of activities to choose, in the city, in a busy environment, or choose to go outside to the countryside for some peace and quiet.

The excitement does have to be affordable and needs to be something both will probably enjoy. It can even be something as simple as going round the corner to the local ice cream bar for a chat. We went every week that I was actually in Bangkok (not away travelling) and we used to keep a list of things to discuss and tell each other about. There was rarely silence, but when there was, we were still together and had undivided attention.

Sandy is not keen on ice cream and so we had a great compromise; I worked my way through the ice cream options week by week and she tried the coffees. Maybe my cholesterol level suffered more than hers; is that a romantic thought or not?

Of course, for those in a rural setting, ice cream bars, or other entertainments might not be a possibility. But you can still get away at a designated time and plan where to go, walk, sit...and be. Many couples end up having a special place that is “theirs.” You could take it in turns to plan the event, take it in turns to designate the location and the activity

Romance does not always involve going somewhere. Its essence is something different for and with your spouse. After our boys were away from home, I sometimes organised things at home. A themed evening with cold drinks, DVD movie, a meal of similar theme, a time of relaxation, and a massage all centred around a topic as if our home had been set up as a health spa complete with colour printed brochure(done on the computer) programming the evenings activities. It cost almost nothing. Sandy knew nothing about it till she came home from work and all she had to do was let it all happen around her!

Of course, you will have to take your spouses character and interests, likes and dislikes into account when planning something. No sense in giving him / her a terrible time!! It would not be counted as a romantic event for Sandy to give me breakfast in bed. Ghastly idea! All those toast crumbs and uncomfortable sitting positions while balancing the coffee pot! Even if she thought it was great. I would not have agreed.

As an ongoing issue romance might be something not eventful in itself, but something as simple as enthusiastically sharing in your spouse’s successes or showing significant pleasure at hearing his improved results received from his recent regular health tests. Sharing in the good times and showing real care and concern, and sympathy, when things are not going well; even if it is the two hundredth time you have heard such a story. It may not be an issue for you, and your husband might be being unnecessarily sensitive (in your opinion) but it does actually matter to him. That’s why he is telling the story

For romance to be successful it has to be cognisant of the other’s short comings, needs and attributes. Just think how often when you were courting you did anything and everything to please. You were usually successful despite not knowing the person well. How much easier now you do know them well, but you also know all their faults and shortcomings! Thus, the barriers can be higher when you know someone a lot better. You can see you might fail before you have started, so there’s a danger you might give up trying.

Women, in general, do have a reputation to talk somewhat more than the remainder of the human race. Come on men! You are supposedly tough guys aren’t you? Can’t you summon up the strength to listen to the same story just one more time? Be generous in your giving and your romance!

Sandy has noticeable ability to talk in company of friends and most of the time I, an introvert, am able to swallow it and sit on the sideline gritting my teeth waiting for her to finish and let someone else into the conversation. Sometimes I fail and let her know she’s been too loud. It would be more giving and more amenable to her if I could summon the romantic energy to be totally accepting of her ways...and just be there saying an occasional “Yes, dear”...but I cannot, not often enough anyway!

One of the most important aspects of romance, other than having each other, is time. At the deliberate risk of repeating concepts mentioned elsewhere in this book, time is of the essence in a successful marriage. Spending what is fashionably called “quality time” with your spouse is a prerequisite to understanding each other. Ask yourself whether that extra business meeting, that extra church meeting, that extra sports meeting is really what is needed. In terms of eternity, quality of Christian marriage and continually drawing together for something more romantic is called for.

A note of sarcasm. That mobile phone you own does have an off switch! The civilised world will not cease to exist and friends will not stop liking you, work will not die and the phone company’s SMS adverts will not stop forever if you turn it off. If you leave it on and spend more time chatting on the mobile, romance may well die and your spouse may go elsewhere for a listening ear.

And ladies, by the way, it is not only men who are unromantic. Is your idea of romance actually so far from his idea of romance that you need some planned romantic occasions to iron out the differences? Actually, taking time to understand what you both think of in terms of getting closer together, can in itself be romantic. You both did not have much trouble understanding the need for romance when you first met. What happened in the meantime? You are still the same people.

Courting, such a quaint outdated phrase, now replaced with dating or ‘becoming an item,’ always conjures up an image in my mind of exotic mating dances of birds of paradise in Papua New Guinea. They go on, so I understand, right through life. So it is with romance, it is not something to do until you have captured your mate, but something to do right through your married life.

Sex

Something else to do right through your married life, health permitting. Use it or lose it!

When this book was planned, it was not intended to cover areas that are well covered by other books on the many shelves of the nearby Christian Bookshop or even the ordinary bookshop. All the experience and examples you have been reading of are around aspects of marriage that might change as a result of culture or the religion around you.

As far as we are aware, from our experience, sexual delights and problems are similar wherever you are on the globe. Gravitational pull, lines of longitude and latitude make no difference, even if the climate does make bedtime-fun sweaty and as slippery as mud wrestlers.

Missionaries may have had a sexual position named after them, but they tend not to sit on the patio discussing in great detail about life on the other side of the bedroom door. Therefore, to the great relief of most and the disappointment of a few, this book is not the place you are going to find out those extra details, either about our intimacies or those of our friends. Yet that does not mean that the topic is not important!

It is even more imperative than vital. For a marriage to be under assault from every angle, yet surviving, takes courage and determination. For a couple to be suffering sexually too is frustrating, upsetting and the root of all sorts of unhappiness and struggle. It is not everyone that has the ability to overcome these issues.

It is no coincidence that sexual intercourse is colloquially referred to as “making love.” A fulfilling sexual relationship is not only energising to the relationship, but is the source of much pleasure and sharing which cannot be deepened. Surely God made this gift for married couples as one of his best ideas ever! Maybe the absurdity of it all makes it funny too. What a therapeutic tonic!

We thoroughly recommend the book, “Intended for Pleasure - Sex Technique and Sexual Fulfilment in Christian Marriage” By Ed Wheat M.D and Gaye Wheat. Published by Scripture Union. ISBN 1859994695. Happy reading: together!

Chapter 22 What next? Returning home?

Where is ‘home?’

At some stage in every missionary’s life there is the desire or need to return ‘home.’ For some who work a lifetime in their calling, their call ‘home’ comes when still doing the work. They die in service and their calling home is eternal in the Christian sense, to heaven.

For others, the returning ‘home’ can be as traumatic as the early years setting out in another country. In some cases it can be worse because everyone assumes you know how life is and how it works back ‘home.’ After all you are from that place; aren’t you?

But it often does not work like that. You have been away, experienced life in amazingly different ways to how it would have been if you had stayed in your original country. Maybe your feelings show that you are unsure where ‘home’ is these days. Your family has grown up, relatives have retired and moved away or have died. Old school friends no longer understand you, and you don’t understand them either. Old church friends now seem aggressive and intolerant of your new ways. Neighbours have moved and the family doctor has retired and has been replaced by a youngster who ‘knows nothing.’

In fact, at the end of mission service, all of life including the identity of ‘home’ has changed. It may be slightly better if you have kept a house or flat running in your original country; but not necessarily. ‘Home’ is identifiable by more than bricks and mortar, a well kept garden or a pile of dusty boxes stored in the loft.

Returning ‘home,’ for the grown up children, might not feel like that. For parents they are returning to roots, even if the root systems have been dislodged quite a lot. The grown up children moving ‘back home’ are actually being cast adrift yet again. For them, what Mum and Dad call ‘home,’ is actually more like going to Dad’s next assignment...again.

Will and Gill and their son nicknamed Bill had lived in Manila longer than Bill could really remember. He had lots of friends and liked living in the Philippines. Warm sunshine and opportunities for surfing, teenage beach culture, lots of friends at school and the opportunity to hang out at the shopping malls at weekends; this was the life he knew.

Will and Gill had been church planters in the early years but Will had been a theological lecturer at the Bible College for more years than he could easily recall. Now it was time for him to return, to work in a suburban parish in England.

There was sadness and relief, euphoria and depression. It had been a tough decision but it had to be made. Bill was not at all happy with the idea. It was as if he was a fish being withdrawn from the pond he knew, into a lake of unknown proportions and dangers. A fish out of water; it was not his home.

The thing that made it harder was his learning and behavioural disability, for which he had had treatment for years. This made him more concerned about the adaptation necessary. Concern turned to anger. He did not want to GO home, because actually home was where he was ALREADY.

The time came and Bill went with Will and Gill. Reintegration was tough, finding new friends was tough, adapting was tough, getting a job was tough, letting go of Manila was tough. What wasn’t tough?

He tried a few jobs, but was not happy. He tried getting up in the morning, but was late. He tried keeping in touch with friends back in Manila, but they drifted away. He tried email, but his computer skills drifted away.

Will and Gill struggled. Will tried to lead his new church congregation; Gill tried to establish herself. But behind it all there was Bill who was a great concern to them. What would he do and where would he go? What would happen to him? Surely after their years in mission and local church ministry, God’s grace was big enough for their son too?

Because Mishkids have often had a very broad experience of life, they cannot understand why kids and adults alike ‘back home’ have such a narrow outlook and perspective of life. Our kids could hardly believe that everyone in the class at school had such shallow thinking, lack of drive and ambition. It was hard for them to understand racist undertones to conversations and complete lack of concern for the outside world.

The children may have great difficulty adapting to the new environment, being seen and thought of as being very different. They will be asked silly, patronising and threatening questions. In some countries the school situation is quite aggressive and anyone who is different can have a hard time.

Adapting to church culture back home is a challenge, apart from the fact it may be a different denomination to what you have been used to. It is possible that attitudes will be narrower than you are familiar with. It is possible that congregational concepts of service might be less enthusiastic than before.

People’s knowledge of the world may be much shallower. Dealing with all these issues may be a strain on marriage and on family. Soul searching to identify whether it was right to go, and right to come back, can be traumatic. But it does give renewed issues to talk about and deliberate on when on your weekly romantic time together.

When our boys were young and on leave from Kenya we went to our local church and they attended the Sunday school. Tim was in the crèche and recounted a tale of how some monkeys stole his bread after he had been on a ride on an elephant. The lady told him off for telling fibs and that it was not right for a Christian boy to make up unbelievable stories to impress everyone. He was so upset, because it had been true!

The older ones were in a children’s quiz and were asked to name a tree beginning with B. Most children got a point for stating Birch or Beech, but our boys just got strange looks, and no points, when they naturally said Baobab (a large Kenyan tree). Or asked to name an animal beginning with W other kids said weasel or wallaby. Ours said warthog (an African wild pig). No one accepted the answer or gave points for the unknown and exotic answers. Such family traumas of returning home can all play their part in adding to the stress on mission marriages.

Overseas mission is tough, and it does not necessarily get easier when you return home.

Finding new or different roles

Everything is different again. Adaptability is the keyword...yet again.

Returning home is not just characterised by a different home situation. It might also be combined with changing roles within family. One or other spouse may now be of retirement age and the other is not. One may have failing physical or emotional health and these needs have to be taken into account. One or other may be unexpectedly unemployed long term. One or both may have new issues of personal baggage to take on board and work through. Whatever the individual circumstances, it is very likely that there will be new roles to take on.

Readjustments will be the order of the day. They may be in domestic life, relationship life, church life, professional life, cultural life, adaptability to climate and new ways of doing things back home. Financial issues might be a problem. There will be changes that no one else perceives and does not understand why it is tough.

When we returned from Kabul, the queuing system in Post Offices had changed. I went in to buy some stamps one day and felt particularly stupid because I had no idea how the new system worked. There were no notices to tell the customers because they all (except me) knew what was going on.

Having survived your period in mission, having adapted to several different cultures and foods, adapted to different ways of working and worshipping, suddenly you are thrown into ‘familiar ground’ where everything has changed, and so now is unfamiliar!.

No wonder that Christian marriages struggle at this point and couples grapple with new questions including; who is my new-style husband and why is he reacting like this or that? It never bothered him in the church in Botswana. Why is my wife complaining about the heat this July; it was so much hotter in Sierra Leone. What is the matter with her? Surely it can’t still be menopause that’s the problem!

Seeking work can be enlivening and can be the start of new opportunities. It can be the result of God’s provision after all the years of toil in hot dusty places. Yet it can also be the source of great consternation when you get to the new job and the work culture has changed since before you left. It is certainly different to what you have been used to overseas.

Needing a period of adaptation and familiarisation will not be understood by a new employer, or the staff in your department, now you are back ‘home’. After all, in their eyes, you are from that place and so why would adaptation be necessary?

So it is that roles might need to change. The senior manager, the pastor or the development work supervisor who is used to being in charge in a remote hospital may not be able to adapt easily to different leadership styles and new employment practices.

Ego, self-esteem and viability in the workplace cause lack of confidence at home which may affect the marriage. A ghost from the past mission work comes in the form of lack of ability to get it all together in the new situation. A wife may understand her husband less than she thought and a husband may wish his wife was back the way she was before all this turmoil stepped in.

Due to a variety of prevailing factors it is entirely possible that roles may have to change. Suddenly the spouse who has been the principle earner and main career person is suddenly set aside into a very different role; perhaps without an income. This is something that many women have struggled with when they ceased employment to look after children. Some men never do get used to the idea of it, but perhaps that is where the main learning point is and where God wants to mainly act in his life.

Just because we are no longer full time career missionaries does not mean we are suddenly adrift from what God is teaching us day by day. It may well be that, as has been the experience of many, that you obtain a great new career on your return and both of you can rejoice in God’s faithfulness to provide. It has also been the experience of many that there is no job, or there is a very different job to that originally perceived as the best for one’s life.

There may be struggles with returning to work in a secular environment. Struggles with;

“What happened to my calling, God?”

“Did my calling die the day I stepped onto the plane to come home?” And again,

“Why am I stuck in this secular job when I have so much Christian experience to offer?”

The reason may be that God has placed you in that secular environment precisely because you have so much Christian experience. God is not beyond doing something very new in your life. It can spring up apparently out of nowhere. It is the being prepared for something new, and accepting it, that is the challenge.

Chapter 23 Now what?

When the dusty boots are hung up and it is all over, what shall we do now?

This is the same question that many people face on retirement; and it affects marriages. Many have been looking forward to it for years and many have been dreading it since they were fifty. Even those that were looking forward to retirement suddenly find that after two months there is nothing left in their life. This is particularly prevalent for those who have had absorbing, senior or very fulfilling careers. It is especially so for those in mission who have felt a spiritual dimension to what they have been doing; to the outworking of their calling.

So, what shall we do now? There is not even the children’s education to discuss any more.

The easy answer is; the need to be involved is never over. Not till it is time to go to heaven. There are always things to do, places to go, ministries of the local church to be involved in. There are short term mission assignments; or maybe fill-in assignments to relieve someone else so they can go on home leave. There are people to pray for, needy people almost anywhere, people to serve.

There is the next generation of Christian servers to encourage, and to teach. And there are books to be written about your experiences, so that others might learn. Just because you are no longer working in the slums of Nairobi, or five hundred miles up the Ganges does not mean that there is nothing significant to do.

Or God’s intention for your life might be to do something very different. Maybe you have fulfilled your task in mission and it is now time for something else.

Health permitting, it is unlikely that there is a church back home which cannot use your skills. There may be those who are reticent or unwilling to use your skills, because they see them as a threat to their own secure position. But that is their problem. Maybe there is another church nearby which would like to have your experience and help?

Finding something else useful to do

Apart from all those ministry opportunities that are out there, it could be that the most useful thing to do is repay your family, your wife, your husband for all their understanding loyalty and their tolerant perseverance over the years. After a lifetime, or even several years, serving others and looking to the needs of others, it could be your turn for a bit of pampering!

It does not mean that it is time to finish Christian service; that never ends. But it might be that the focus of your attentions should be your wife or husband who missed out so much over the years when the poorest of the poor were your focus. Maybe you see that you miscalculated their position in your life? Maybe, having now read this book you realise that if things had been different, you should have read it earlier, and made changes earlier. Maybe there is some spouse-time to make up.

Maybe your children are no longer children and they are all doing their own work, with their own interests and getting on with life somewhere else. After all, you did bring them up to be adventurous...didn’t you? You did accept them on loan from God, for them to be free themselves one day, didn’t you?

Now they are somewhere else and maybe it is time to make amends for any lost time in childhood. Every child, even the grown up ‘children’ love to be appreciated and affirmed. You don’t believe me? Try it. Miracles can happen in even the toughest most resilient mishkid.

It is a wonderful thing to be able to spend time with your ‘kids’ when they are thoroughly grown up and you can see the fruit of your parenting skills. How wonderful to move on to a new life enhancing how they are, to develop your relationship in new and interesting ways. Maybe there are grandchildren who need some attention. Now there’s a thought.

Sadly, it can also happen that grown-up adult Mishkids completely change, maybe under the influence of their spouse. A lifetime of family closeness can be torn away and they go their own way unwilling to have further contact. Such extreme pain can be the result of teaching them independence and resilience all their lives, but might also be the result of all the things Mishkids and their family went through and learnt, that their new family-of-the-future simply cannot understand. They weren’t there.

There is a mistake that some Christians make. They assume everyone else’s needs outside your own family are more of a kingdom opportunity and a ministry-need than your son, your daughter, your wife or your husband.  We are not only talking of physical needs here. Your family may have emotional, spiritual and even mental health needs. Just because you cannot see the needs does not mean they are not there.

The emotional needs, the hurts and the regrets are the deepest cut of all, but the most glorious in healing.

Not finding something to do?

God did not allow you to go through all that experience and all that service just to wallow in the destructive energy of boredom.  There is a way forward, somehow and somewhere, even if you cannot see it just now.

It is highly likely to be something new or something that you had not even considered before. There are new vistas opening in God’s kingdom every day.

Unfulfilled ambitions

Maybe there are still unfulfilled ambitions in your life? Maybe there are still nagging wishes to do this or that? The reality is that life today offers so many opportunities that rarely is it totally impossible to do something. It might be difficult to organise or complicated to find out just how to achieve something; but since when did difficult or complicated stop you?

Perhaps the hankering in your soul is after things that might have been or after things past. After all, you tell yourself, “life is not how it used to be.”

There are a few highlights in my career working for Christian missions; personal snapshots into a time gone by that I now view with hindsight. They are times that I look back on and admire from afar; occasions and events that I nostalgically consider to be the good times. But if I am honest, they were not totally good, there were many tough and depressing or exhausting days and even if they had been persistently wonderful and had remained exactly the same to this day...I would be incredibly bored by now. We cannot and should not look back, always thinking the best was then and the worst is now.

Apparently nostalgia is no longer what it used to be either.

The hard reality of life is that there will always be unfulfilled ambitions in life. Things we wished we had done. But perhaps if we continue to keep our eyes fixed on God’s plan for our lives, taking up each challenge that he gives, we will see a new heaven and a new earth where his ambitions for our lives have been fulfilled, even if OUR ambitions have not been.

It is in these times that we have to again remember that we are married. That person with whom we are one, who has been through thick and thin with us, has shared ministry, mission, excitement, challenge and disappointment with us; they may be the one struggling.

We might be alright, but they may not be. They may be hiding regrets and disappointments. Men, in particular but not exclusively, may be suffering loss of purpose, loss of self esteem, loss of importance and professional significance. This might be coming at a time of loss of hair, loss of vigour, loss of fitness, loss of potency, loss of appetite, loss of sleep, loss of ‘children’ who move away, loss of friends who did not keep up, loss of identity.

For some this may also be a time when there is loss of spouse through divorce, separation or death. A lifetime of toil can leave one or other of a marriage partnership, alone; very alone.

Though difficult to say, some missionaries are called home to ageing parents, a more sedentary way of life and suburbia. Some are called home to be with Jesus as a final recognition that they are needed in heaven more than they are needed here. Over the centuries, a number have not survived to old age, and then it is the spouse who is left to contemplate the past.

In one mission marriage that we know, he was called home to celebrate in eternity; she was called to her new vocation being blessed by a fleet of grandchildren. To help bring them up, to nurture and enjoy every day, is such a blessing.

She spends the days with the happy memories, the joy of having known her husband and shared his life. Yet, now with a very different ministry, no longer to the poorest of the poor and the spiritually needy of far off countries, but to her own.

She is not making up for lost time, because the previous ministry with her husband was not lost effort; but she is making up for his absence in the grandchildren’s life. They know all about him, in every detail. They know he would have been a great grandpa. The best.

Expecting the unexpected

In years gone by, in British culture and other similar countries I guess, it was normal to try to plan and set out your future; to get a good job and stay in it, working with the same company for forty five years.

Times have changed to a great extent, but there is still a felt need for a secure and predictable future. As Christians our ultimate future is assured but in the interim we have things to get on with, expecting something different every day, every week. We can expect the unexpected.

Marriage is like that too.

We can expect the unexpected, we can revel in the things we have done together, we can look forward to the future; but essentially we do not know what we are going to do, where it will be, how we will finance it, but we do know it will be together. That will be our mission.

Even if one of us has failing health or emotional problems; or when one of us dies; we will know instinctively that as soul mates, life partners, spouses, lovers, best friends, there is that unity of spirit that goes beyond our world as we see it today.

We grew up apart, met together, joined together, went together, we stayed together and we remain together. Expecting the unexpected is the magic ingredient that makes our oneness unique.

It symbolises all we went through, all we endured and all we celebrated from initial trembling hands on meeting, to the trembling hands of old age.

Even in death we are at one, with each other, and at one in Christ.

About the Author: Peter Renew

Peter has spent almost a lifetime living and working in Asia and Africa, managing development programmes. Working internationally with visually impaired people, and other people with disabilities, has given him a keen insight into social, cultural and religious issues impacting people in all walks of life.

Peter uses these experiences to write books that will inspire a generation. Throughout, the motivation has been Christian concern for a world in need. People and their circumstances have been the reason for compassion and service.

After an eleven year career in the world of banking he changed the focus of his life, to jobs which specifically help other people. Utilising practical skills in management, administration, accounts, organising and coordination he returned to college, to prepare for a new life alongside the most disadvantaged people as they sought change. Seven years later he returned to study the management of international development, at the same college.

Work assignments took him and his wife Sandy and their (then) young family to live initially in Kabul, Afghanistan. Later assignments were based in U.K; Kenya; India; Thailand; UK again, and Malaysia. These jobs entailed frequent travelling throughout East and West Africa, South and South East Asia and China. Peter and Sandy now live in New Zealand.

For full information on a broad range of books available, from non-fiction about people and their needs, through to historical fiction, it is all there on his website

Take a look today. www.peterrenewbooks.com

Table of Contents

Copyright

Dedication

Other books

Author's notes

Acknowledgements

Introduction

Chapter 1 Marriages surviving adventurous living

Chapter 2 Relationship basics before working overseas

Chapter 3 What makes a wedding?

Chapter 4 Anticipating setting out

Chapter 5 Planning and time.

Chapter 6 Communication

Chapter 7 Treasure it; remember it

Chapter 8 The ingredients that make up your marriage…

Chapter 9 A positively good chapter

Chapter 10 Marriage and interfaith issues

Chapter 11 Marriage and interdenominational isssues

Chapter 12 Marriage and cross-cultural living: 1

Chapter 13 Marriage and cross-cultural living: 2

Chapter 14 Experiencing God together

Chapter 15 Two become one; but we are different

Chapter 16 Coping mechanisms; illnesses and accidents.

Chapter 17 Baggage: two suitcases and a rucksack.

Chapter 18 Losing your way.

Chapter 19 The log fire

Chapter 20 A roof over your head: somewhere to call home

Chapter 21 Top secret; for your eyes only

Chapter 22 What next? Returning home?

Chapter 23 Now what?

About the Author