The Unspoken Walk

Marita L. Kinney

Contents

Copyright© 2013 by Marita Kinney.

Introduction

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Conclusion

About the Author

More Book by Marita

Copyright © 2013 by Marita Kinney.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a

retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior

written permission of the publishers, except by a reviewer who may quote

brief passages in a review to be printed in a newspaper, magazine or journal.

All Scripture quotation, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version. NIV.  Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society.  Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House.

ISBN-10: 1482724197

ISBN-13: 978-1482724196

All rights reserved.

Introduction

If someone had told me five years ago that I would someday publish a book, I’m not sure I would have been convinced. Penning a book never crossed my mind until I started writing my thoughts down in order to vent my frustrations.  But after a co-worker, Brenda Cobb, read my work, she told me that my words were powerful and could possibly change someone’s life--a compliment I wasn’t expecting.  So I asked someone else to read my work, and when I realized that they felt the same way, I began to write more, only with the intent to share my book with my children one day.  But as soon as that thought came, it soon left.  God would not allow me to simply limit my work to only my children, but would want me to share it with the whole world.

Let me first start off by stating that, I did not write this book to entertain you, but to encourage you.  Some of the things that are in this book, you may not entirely agree with, and may even offend you. However, this is my story, and you’re more than welcome to write your own.  As I continue my walk with Christ, there are many things that I’ve come across in the Bible that may also be construed as offensive.  With that being said, everything in this book has been written out of love.  The whole purpose of this work is to speak into the lives of others; to encourage them and to aid in healing.  We all have trials that we’re going through, and I’m here to tell you that you are not alone.  If no one else admits that they’re not perfect in their Christian walk, let me be the first.

As you read this book, keep in mind that I in no way claim to be an expert in any area in life. However, I have been through various life situations which have given me the experiences I’ll share with you.  My prayer is that my readers be delivered from the masks they hide behind.  We all have some sort of mask. Our mask sometimes tries to hide our pain, shame, guilt…even our past.  As the mask is slowly removed, you will see the real you.  That real you cannot be masked for God.  God will see through it every time and will love you in spite of your flaws.  God has an unconditional love for us, and for that I give thanks.

I chose to revise this book because there was so much that need to be added to “my unspoken walk.”  So many people wrote me and told me how this book had blessed them, to God be the glory.  When I first wrote this book, I never had a sales goal in mind.  My prayer was for this book to reach and impact at least one person.  I must say that this book far exceeded my expectations.  I ask that you read this book with an open mind and reflect on your own life.

This book in titled “The Unspoken Walk” for a reason.  I’ll explain it plain and simple.  Just think about your own life and how there are things that you harbor inside silently, as you walk throughout life.  When people see you, who do they really see?  Most of us have our true person held captive internally.  We may appear to have it all together, but inside we are screaming to become free.  Well, through this book, my walk is no longer silent.  I have the strength to share my testimony and wrote this book to encourage you to become free as well.

My life has been so hard that it sometimes hurts to think about it; so many things have happened. However, deep down inside I know it’s for God’s glory. People see me and don’t know a thing about me or what I’ve been through.  There’s more to me than just a smile with style.  I’m a child of God and that alone makes me very proud.  My life has been far from simple, and many people would begin to question my God.  However, I have never asked why, but instead accepted it because I know that everything that has happened to me was in his will.  Therefore, I thought to myself, “God must be preparing me for something greater,” because I’ve been through so much in my life of twenty-nine years.   “God what do you have for me? What is it that you’re preparing me for?” Those were the questions that ran through my mind. This life of mine is hard. “When will you give me my time of peace?”  So I prayed for peace, that my soul would remain strong, and that I would have a voice to sing that song of praise.  I would one day sing because God brought me out of what would have killed me if I wasn’t saved.

My Unspoken Walk Begins…

Chapter One

Transformed by Tribulations 1

Like Two footprints in the sand

Lord you remained next to me along the way

While my life was changing before my eyes

As an infant, my brother Lil Westley and I were only two years apart and were raised, for the most part, by our divorced father, with the help of my grandmother.  My father was a single parent not only raising his children but was a pastor of a church with no first lady.  Still to this day, many people from across the country loved to hear my father preach.  You have to understand, my father was no ordinary preacher.  He was an exceptional preacher; anointed and able to reach many souls.  My father rarely remained in the pulpit while preaching.  He would walk up and down the aisle, and didn’t care how people perceived his actions. After each sermon, he’d have to change clothes from working up such a sweat.  His clothes would literally be drenched. I can’t tell you how many people feel as though my father was one of the greatest preachers that ever lived.

Many people remembered my mother from church and always spoke very highly of her.  I can honestly say that my mother was still very much in the picture. It was the typical divorce issues and arguing over the kids. My mother tried to do her part, but she worked a lot due to the pain of not having her kids with her. While living with my dad, he made his children his priority, and I respected him so much for that.  In these days that’s very rare. My oldest brother (we share the same father) and his sister, whom my dad raised as his own, lived with their mother. Due to that and the age difference, we weren’t as close as I wmmanted to be with them. My dad traveled and preached around the country with Lil Westley and me. We didn’t have much money, but God always allowed us to have everything we needed.  I didn’t realize how much of my character was being formed at that time.

When I was six, my father became very ill. They say it was a stress attack that left him bedridden for a year. I later discovered that it was a stroke.  My grandfather passed, and my grandmother moved in to help raise us. Taking care of my father and us must have been hard. The doctors didn’t think that he would ever walk again. My brother and I would go into my dad’s room to pray every day before school, only to return to an almost lifeless father who was in the same place as when we left for school, day in and day out. I would sit beside his bed and put ice on his lips and watched it melt as he just lay there. At times, I would pray a silent prayer instead of going outside to play. Preachers from all over would come to our home to visit with my father and to pray over him.  But as time went by, less and less people came to visit.  I knew it hurt my brother Lil Westley also to watch our dad just lay there.  He was at the age where he really needed a dad to play with.  One day Lil Westley went into our dad’s room before school to pray for him, and said, “Lord, please heal my daddy so that he can play with me again.” God heard my brother’s prayer and began to heal my father from that very day. One year later my father was walking, traveling, and again preaching all over the country.  As a young child, I noticed that my father wasn’t very athletic. But during that time I had seen strength in my father that I had never seen before. It was an inner strength that I also wanted for myself one day.

Lil Westley and I continued living primarily with my father until I was about nine. After that, living between households of my mother and father became a regular routine for us.  At the age of eleven, my grandmother passed away, leaving my father depressed and lonely.  He decided to move from our hometown (Springfield, Ohio) to Washington D.C and further his education by getting a P.H.D in Theology.  I knew how important that was for him.  Besides, he put a lot of his goals on hold to raise me.  My brother and I agreed not to go to D.C., so we stayed with my mom from then on.  Being so far away from my father was hard for me, but something that was needed. It was time for my mother and me to become closer. My mom was so beautiful, graceful, professional, and intelligent; I wanted to learn how to be like just like her.  There were some things that my father just couldn’t teach me.  My mom did her best to raise us at that time. However, she would probably have done things a lot differently if given that opportunity to do it again.  My brother was left in charge of me a lot of the time, and we began to almost raise ourselves.  We were growing into “teenage-hood”, and were left alone often when my mom had business trips or was working long hours.  Lil Westley continued to look after me, but soon became caught up in the streets, began to sell drugs, and was in and out of jail.  It amazed me how people would judge him.  Due to his lifestyle, some people would assume that he had probably never stepped foot inside a church house.  Boy, were those people wrong.  My brother knew the word and was always up for a challenge to discuss God in the streets.  Because we were two years apart, we used to have many of the same teachers.  They were so puzzled by the fact that my brother and I lived in the same home together and had the same parents.  It was hard for them to realize how we both were so different.  Though I was not perfect, I was always a good student. On the other hand, my brother often tried to make his own school rules.  I have to admit I looked up to him for always being so smart and brave.  Many people respected him in the streets. Nevertheless, Lil Westley and my father meant the world to me. My brother and I may not have had the easiest life, but God was still in our midst.

When I looked over my life, I could actually see two sets of footprints.  God was not only truly walking with me, he definitely covered me, and protected me.  Lil Westley was always very over-protective of me as well, while my father loved to spoil me—though not in the manner in which you may be thinking.  He would shower me with love and would do anything for me.  My father’s love meant more to me than money. It was regularly expressed by my father how much he missed and loved us.  He would call every day and pray for us, but also tried to give my mother her space to raise us.

My parents had a hard time raising Lil Westley while I tried to stay out of their way. As a teenager, I did what a lot of kids were doing at that time, going to parties, being active in school, and in doing so found my first love, Franco.  Though I was far from being perfect, I didn’t get into much trouble. Not because, I hadn’t done anything wrong, but the focus was always on my brother; therefore I would never get caught.  I stopped going to church and would only go if my mother made me or if I were invited to go by a neighbor.  There was a time where I began to try new things “of the world”.  My father often worried about us and would make monthly (sometimes even weekly) visits to come see us, to make sure we were doing okay.

A close friend of my mom had a daughter that was in college.  In school, she along with her best friend took me under their wing and showered me with love, concern, and interest in my life.  I wanted to be around them because they made time for me.  I had so much respect for them, and they helped to keep me out of trouble.  To make extra money I often would babysit for them.  But that wasn’t enough. It was what we were exposed to in our everyday lives while living in our neighborhood.  We didn’t live in the best neighborhood and were far more street smart than a lot of kids our age.

During that time in my life, the Community Choir that my oldest brother introduced to me came right in time to save my life. Singing in the Springfield Community Choir was the best influence at the time for me.  That choir kept me connected to God when I was drifting away.  Then suddenly my mother decided to pick up and move us away from our hometown, hoping to better our lives in Hampton, Virginia where she was offered a teaching position at Hampton University.  At age fifteen, Virginia became my new home. We gave my mother a hard time due to the relocation. We hated being new and away from what were familiar to us.  My first love was who I really missed the most.  He was like my best friend and being away from him hurt.

However, we adjusted fast and accepted our new lives in Virginia and loved being closer to our father who still resided in D.C.  I was popular at school, and Lil Westley was doing well also.  He was staying out of trouble, received his GED, and was working a legitimate job that he was really proud of.  My brother was very smart, and school was very easy from him. While he was working, I noticed him beginning to slowly change from his old lifestyle.

The reality of being with my first love left my mind.   I noticed how hard being in a relationship was, especially a long distance relationship as teenager. I began working, going to school, and hanging out with new friends.  It was hard to make friends with the females, and I found myself hanging out with mostly males.  It took some time for the females to finally accept me, but they did.  There was a guy in my class that I eventually became really close to, and we soon started to date.  My friends in Virginia were a lot different than my friends in Ohio.  My Virginia friends seemed to have come from a way different environment than me and my Ohio friends.  Hanging out with my new friends didn’t consist of getting high or laughing at the crack heads that paced up and down the street all day.  There were no oblivious crack heads in my new neighborhood, and I started to realize that life back home wasn’t as normal as I thought.  At least my everyday life wasn’t.  Hanging out with my new friends became routine, and they couldn’t believe how attached I still was to my first love back home.

As the new girl in town, I got more attention than I was used to getting from boys.  No one knew how over-protective my brother was, which allowed them to openly express their interest in me.  This was rare for me.  Back home if someone was interested in me, I was unaware of it.  No one other than Franco wanted to deal with the drama of my big brother.   Needless to say, my brother was not going to change when I came to me, “his little sister”.  While attending summer school one year, a boy picked me up over his shoulders and lifted up my skirt in the hallway.   I was so embarrassed, but also scared what might happen to the boy if my brother were to find out about it.  My brother picked me up from school that day, and I saw the anger burning in his eyes.  In that moment, I knew that someone had already told him the news.  To make a long story short, my brother committed four felonies that day and I could not return to school.  The incident was all over the local newspapers, and I was hurt that once again my brother was locked up.  This time it was over me, and I felt bad because he was doing so well.  After being released from jail on a bond, ten years was hanging over his head.  My brother told me, “Marita, I’m not going to prison.”  Prior to his upcoming court date, without notice he left Virginia and I knew it was for good.  It was just now me and my mom.  She was still the career mom, and my dad was still calling every day, praying for me, and visiting my brother and me by making trips from D.C to Virginia and Ohio.  He would come visit us in a heartbeat.

My senior year in high school I became pregnant at age seventeen, and my life was never going to be the same.  It was hard for me to go to church during this time because the fear of being judged. I was more worried what the saints would say about my father having a teenage pregnant daughter.  But my father was never ashamed of me and told me that God had a plan for my life and my unborn child.  My boyfriend joined the military, and we decided to get married.  Deep down inside I was trying to fix my sin that had been made public. My father didn’t want me to get married because I was pregnant and I denied that being the reason.  I wanted to believe that this guy really loved me. Maybe he did, but it’s different when you’re used to being loved by a man of God.  The love my father showed me made it ten times harder to feel loved by others.  I can still remember how upset my brother was when I told him that I was expecting.  Through his disappointment, he called me every name in the book.  He wasn’t very good at expressing his feelings, but he was really hurt. I was his little sister, and I was becoming a mother.  He asked to speak with my boyfriend and soon to be husband.  He thanked him for stepping up to the plate and marrying me due to my pregnancy.  My boyfriend replied, “I’m not marrying your sister because she’s pregnant.  I’m marrying her because I love her.”

My brother then said, “You don’t love her because if you did, you would have made sure that she didn’t get pregnant because my sister had goals.” I was in deep denial. I was indeed trying to fix my sin. I was furious that my sin had come to light.  Everyone could obviously see my sin. I felt as though I had destroyed my father’s ministry. I was certain that everyone would judge him for my sinful acts.

I gave birth to my son on my eighteenth birthday. He was born prematurely.  My firstborn was literally my gift from God.  By then, at age of eighteen, I was married to a man who was only nineteen, and being a new mom, my life was very different from my peers in my senior class.  No one actually wanted me to be married that young. But no one discussed or offered me any other options. I had no idea as to how to live life with a child and not be married. I refused to become a “baby momma.” At that time, being married was the only thing that made sense.  While my high school friends were starting college, I was moving around as a military wife and mother. I still wasn’t really going to church; only when I felt like it. We were young and even took turns watching our son so that the other person could go to the club.  Having a Muslim husband made it easy not to focus much on my own beliefs.  To avoid a religious debate, I didn’t really talk about my Christian beliefs.  My father was still very active in my life and would give me words of encouragement and advice.

Transformed by Tribulations 2

“For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” 2 Corinthians 4:17

On October 20, 2000, the phone rang at 12:18 in the morning. It was one of my cousins from Ohio telling me that my brother had been shot and killed.  I dropped the phone and begged God to not let this be true. My heart never ached so badly.  The loss of my brother had me crying until the point that my eyes were swollen for a week.  I had just spoken to my brother a few days prior about coming to visit me in Washington.  But it was true; my brother Lil Westley was taken away from me one month before his twenty-first birthday.  I still didn’t turn my back on God or ask him why he allowed this to happen to my family.  One of the hardest things I ever had to do was to call my parents that night with the news that their son was gone.  The pain in my parents’ voice, I can still hear to this day.  I just suppressed my pain and moved on.  It hurt too much to face the fact that my brother was gone.  He was the only sibling that I was close to and suddenly I began to feel like an only child. I often wonder how my older siblings were taking this loss, but I went through it alone.  Every time I felt like I had it bad, I realized I could never relate to the pain my parents must have felt from losing a child.  I continued to move around following my husband and his military career, very unsure of my life.

I moved to Hawaii and everything in my relationship that could go wrong did.  My marriage was full of infidelity, disrespect, lack of trust, and most of all God was nowhere in it. I’m not blaming anyone; we were both guilty of contributing pain. After all, what is expected in an immature teenage marriage?  My pain was changing me, and I didn’t even know myself at the time. I felt so all alone, and unconnected to God.  I started clearly noticing only one set of footprints in my life.  God seemed so far away from me, and I was starting to feel lost.  I prayed for God to remove the stress that I feeling in my marriage.   I felt it was unnecessary pain that I allowed to come into my life. I wanted to leave the marriage to start my life all over again.  I didn’t like my life, my marriage, or even myself.   From time to time, I thought of my first love and wonder how life would be if we were still together.  I prayed that he wasn’t going through life as I was.

Weeks later at the age of nineteen, I hadn’t heard from my dad in a while and was looking forward to his visit with me in Hawaii.  That wasn’t like him to not call for days.  He always made his whereabouts known to me no matter where he was preaching. I called his church where he as pastor often spent his time, and one of the deacons’ answered and said, “Marita your father is very ill and he’s in the hospital.” I called the hospital and the doctor told me of his condition. I was told that my father wasn’t going to live much longer and that they had already put him on life support. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. My father didn’t want me to know of his condition until I had to know.  I’m sure it was hard for him to tell me that he was dying, especially because I just lost my brother earlier that year.  He tried to hide his illness from me my whole entire life, and he succeeded.  I had no idea he was that sick.  Knowing what was happening with my father added to the already existing stress of my marriage.  So I told my husband that I wanted a divorce and that I was going to Washington, D.C to see my dad.  I also told him I would not be returning to Hawaii.  The stress of losing my brother, having marital issues, and knowing my father was dying, was way too much for me all at one time.  I was tired, and emotionally I needed to rest.

When I arrived at the hospital, my mother and oldest brother were in the waiting area and warned me of my father’s appearance, and that his leg was amputated. As I walked into his room, I didn’t see my father in the manner that was described to me.  My father was still as handsome as ever. I guess that’s what unconditional love really is. No matter how bad other people thought my father looked, he was still perfect in his little girl’s eyes. I sat with my dad, held his hand and told him everything that I ever wanted to say.  He began to open his eyes for the first time in ten day.  Just like a newborn baby his eyes finally opened and were unfocused towards me.  I told him how proud I was of him for raising Lil Westley and me, and began to sing “Encourage My Soul” as I watched a tear roll down his cheek.  This was the same song he and my mother both sang to me when I was a little girl. Then I told him that I wouldn’t be upset if he was tired and wanted to go be with God.  My father passed the next day. Not even a year from my brother’s departure. My father always said that I was his reason for living and I believed that he was waiting on the okay from me to go.  I’m sure many girls feel a special way about their fathers, but in my eyes my father was the best father that ever lived.

I did as I said I would. I left my husband. During the time, I was truly a lost soul.  I stayed high and depressed. God was slowly revealing to me that the life I was trying to live was not that of my true self.  I enrolled myself in college, but had too much on my mind to focus.  Having been separated for about seven months, it was time for my son to visit his father in Hawaii. There was no way; I was sending my only child across seas for six months without me.  I was very emotionally unstable, and couldn’t bear having my son away from me that long.  So due to the love I had for my son, I was willing to work things out with his father. I felt as if I lost the males that meant the most to me which were my first love, my father, and my brother. All I had left was my mom and my son.  When I went back to my husband, things just weren’t the same. Spiritually God was dealing with me. Through all of my experiences, I realized my husband and I were going down two different paths. My feelings for him were slowly changing more and more.

After two years of trying to make it work, we had our second child. Even with our daughter born, I still knew my marriage was going to fail unless God became part of it.  Without God, marriage is a big mess and sin can easily make itself comfortable in your home.  My husband decided after four years of being in the Army, to discharge out.  Of course, this was another trial because the security that our family had was going to be gone and we would have to find a more secure and stable life for our children.  So my husband convinced me that if I moved back to Virginia first to find a job, that would make the transition easier.  My son stayed with him, and I brought our daughter with me, to make it easier for me to find work without worrying about daycare for two children. I didn’t feel comfortable leaving my son behind, but his father wanted him there so he wouldn’t be alone.

I moved to Virginia with my daughter and expected my husband and son to join us in a month or so. Well one month turned into two and two into three. I got to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore and started to become stressed out on my new job due to missing my son tremendously, plus my husband, and I were not on good terms.  I called a friend back in Hawaii to vent and let out some frustration, when it was revealed to me that my son was taken from my husband by Social Services a month prior. Although my husband got my son back, he was never going to tell me what had happened.  I believe he was planning to take that to his grave had my friend never found out about the incident.  I was thankful that my friend told me or else I would have never known.  The whole time I was away I called my son every day. During that time, I couldn’t speak to him. My husband told me it was because he was sick and sleeping a lot. Have you ever had your child taken from you and didn’t even know it?  That’s when faith steps in.  Don’t think that when you pray over your babies that God doesn’t hear you.  As a child, I saw my father pray over us, and I did the same for my children.  God protected my baby even when I couldn’t.  But having my baby taken was the last straw.  How could my own husband have our son in a situation where he was taken from him? After all the loved ones that I had lost in my life, I was confused how this could happen to me also.  The fact that our son was not left with a responsible adult, all so that my husband could discreetly go to the club was unacceptable in my eyes.  After that experience, I was not willing to deal with my marriage’s messes, drama, and my whole relationship with my husband anymore.

I needed God back into my life to heal me from all the hurt and disappointment that I had experienced in my life.  I couldn’t love anyone at that time in my life because I just learning how to love myself. I told my husband that we were on two different levels and that I needed to strengthen my relationship with God.  I didn’t want to be with anyone who didn’t put God first.  I asked God to remove anything or anyone that was holding me back from getting closer to Him. I was a hot mess and needed to do a self-evaluation.  It was time to get right with God.  I was not fit to be a wife at seventeen years of age, when I exchanged vows.  I didn’t even know who I was yet.  I was starting to realize that life without God was indeed lonely and full of destruction.  It was time to do things God‘s way…. Lord I surrender.

Chapter Two

I’m A Good Parent, Right?

For I have chosen him so that he will direct his children

and his household after him to keep the way of the Lord

by doing what is right and just (Genesis 18:19)

I’m a good parent, right?  Believe it or not, even the best parents will ask themselves that very same question at some point in their lives.  There is so much more to being a great mother or father than cooking hot meals, reading bedtime stories, and being an active PTA member at your child’s school.  Children have needs and it’s unfortunate when the parent cannot recognize what those needs are.

I have been blessed to recognize my children’s needs while they were still young.  However, I must admit that it was challenging for me to do this. Discovering the needs on my own became very stressful. Personally, I always viewed myself as a good mother. Someone who provided love, care, nourished, and supported my children financially.  The problem was when I noticed that something was missing.  This feeling came and went for a while, and I continued to overlook it. After giving birth to my son and starting to raise him, I ignored the signs of neglect.  Okay, let’s not be naïve, it was God speaking to me.  Almost three years went by, and God started to speak to me again. Allow me to clear that up; I finally started to listen to him.  While pregnant with my second child, I felt as though I was disappointing God in some way.  Curiosity and guilt definitely got the best of me. Some people may have called it depression or some may think it was frustration. However, I knew that it was God working within me.  He began breaking me down so that I could realize I could figure this thing out on my own.  Of course, I did what most Christians do when they feel lost. Praying and going back to church was my first step.  At that time, I didn’t have a church home and hadn’t been to church since my father passed away, which was three years prior.  The thought of having my baby and not having her dedicated to Christ was a painful thought for me to have.  Going back to church was very difficult.  Memories of my late father raising myself and brother confronted me left and right.

Dealing with the stress of not having a chance to grieve weighed me down heavily. Each church service I attended became more and more overwhelming. Trying to hold back my tears and not break down started to feel almost impossible.  Therefore, I took my situation to the pastor of the church I was attending.  I explained how my late father was a preacher and that it was extremely difficult for me to sit through service without grieving the loss of him and my brother. His reply to me was basically to “get over it and move on”.  The enemy knew exactly what I needed to hear to stop me from going back to church.  Satan won, or so he thought.  I stopped going to church and continued on with my life having Christ in my heart but not expressing God in my everyday life.

Time went by and my daughter was now six months old, and son was four.  God was still speaking to me.  By me being very family oriented, it was important for me to set a good example for my children.  One day I fell to my knees and began to cry out. “Lord what am I doing wrong? Why do I feel like such a bad mother?” “I do everything a good mother would do.”

God answered me instantly. “Marita, Marita, Marita.  If you love me so much, then why don’t your children know me? Really know me.”  I then began to reflect over my children’s lives and discovered that he was right.  A time came to my memory when my children and I were at a gathering, and we were asked to bow our heads so we could pray over the food. Simple enough right?  No, my son was confused and had no idea what was happening.  Loudly he began to ask what we all were doing and why.  My heart broke because I didn’t realize that my children were not exposed to prayer, at least from their memory.  I couldn’t believe what the reality was and was ashamed before God.  I had taken care of the kids emotionally, physically, and financially.  The enemy used my hurt and pain to keep me from spiritually nourishing my children.  See, I had no idea that this was happening.  Knowing God for me wasn’t enough.  Simply only telling my kids how good God is, wasn’t enough either.  They learn by example and I needed to be that example for them.

To see me have a relationship with God in order for them to have one was the key.  I hid my pain from everyone, and only prayed when I was alone.  The time had come to show my babies how I fall on my knees with tears in my eyes to pray. I love my children too much to raise them to be spiritually lost in this world. “Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”  Honestly, my foundation and the love that I have for my children brought me back to Christ. Children need to understand that God’s love for them is much greater than any other love.  There’s no man on earth that could ever have or offer the love that my God has. Being a good parent is not just telling your kids what you expect from them, but being an example of the same expectations.  Don’t just preach it, do it.  Parents are far from being perfect, but whenever you do wrong, let your children see how you handle those situations.  It’s okay for us to apologize to our children when we have made a mistake or have wrongly accused them.  By not doing so, you’re actually showing them the wrong example.  Raising children up to have a spiritual foundation is hard but much needed.  If our children end up having nothing in life but their faith, we have done our job.  We have to have faith that God will take care of the rest.  A child may grow up and not have a very good job, but if that child believes, “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you,” (Matthew 6:33) that little bit of faith can carry that child a long way.

“For this God is our God for ever and ever:  he will be our guide even to the end.” (Proverbs 48:14)

We have to fight for our babies.  We are in a spiritual war and our children need us to fight for them.  Satan tries to take over our children’s lives and we have to stop him.  “Satan, you can’t have our babies, I bind you in the name of Jesus”.  The prayers that are cried at night, asking God to protect your kids, do not go unheard.  Continue to fight; your kids need you to fight.  I believe I’m where I am today because of the prayers that were prayed for me, even before I was born.  My mother prayed for me, my father, my grandparents, and many people who loved me and my family also prayed for me.  I’m here to tell you that your prayers were answered.  I thank God for those people and for their prayers that were prayed when I couldn’t pray for myself.  Don’t give up on your child, don’t give up on God.  Everything happens in his will.   Though we may not understand some things, they are not for us to understand anyway.  We have to just trust God and be obedient.

Chapter Three

I Thought I Knew God

“Lord I thank you right now for your Spirit of Truth

To everyone reading this book

I pray today that the truth will set you free

and it’s okay to rejoice if it already has.”

Easter Sunday, April 11, 1982, my father was preaching and my mother was taken out of the church due to having strong contractions.  After eating Easter dinner it was time to go to the hospital, where I was soon to be born.  Like many people in church, I was referred to as a pew baby.  A pew baby is someone who has been in church literally almost all their life, at least as a child.   I’m sure that we’ve all heard the statement “I grew up in church”, “my father or grandfather is a preacher”, or “I lived in church because I was there so much”.  Okay, okay, I’ll say it if you won’t, WHATEVER!  Every time I hear those statements I just want to shine light on the reality of things.  The more I personally grew in Christ; I soon realized that those statements were irrelevant and meaningless if they are mentioned to justify having salvation.  Those same words were once spoken from my mouth as well.  For some reason I felt that I was giving important information about myself, as well as trying to justify my salvation in some strange way.  Growing up in church simply means at you were given a solid foundation to start building a relationship with God.  It does not in any way mean that you already have an existing relationship.  There are many people that have this foundation, however have never started in the journey on that true walk with God.  How can you say that you have built a house completely, when all you have is a foundation?  The foundation is extremely important, but it is lacking much more of the structure in order to be called a house.  What house have you seen that only has a slab?

To know God for yourself is to experience God working in your everyday life and to have accepted God as your personal savior.  Not just going with the flow of the church and going up to Altar Call because everyone else does it.  I have seen some people get pressured to go up to the altar once the doors of the church have been opened.  Oftentimes people feel obligated to go to the altar or it may have been a dilemma. No one should go to the altar under these circumstances.

My four year old daughter once got up out of her seat at an event along with my son.  This event wasn’t typical; it was supposed to be a strongman pulling cars type of event.  Surprisingly, after the show was over, they had altar call for anyone wanting to accept Christ into their lives.  Hundreds of people began to walk toward the stage; my son was one of those people.   He understood what was happening and made a life-changing choice on his own.  I had no idea that he would go up to accept Christ as his savior that day.  My four year old daughter went as well and I wasn’t sure if she could fully understand what was taking place.  It’s my job as a parent to make sure that my children know what it is that their doing.  So, I pulled her aside and asked, “Honey, do you know why you’re up here?”

She then replied, “Because everyone else got up.”  It doesn’t matter if your four or thirty-four the same thing happens—some people feel obligated to go with the flow.   To be saved you have to realistically let God enter into your life and surrender yourself to him.   Don’t get fooled by allowing yourself to think you know Christ simply because you’re surrounded by people who know the Lord.  Let God in and know in your heart without a doubt that God is the head of your life.

There have been times in my life where I have asked myself, “Am I really saved?”  If you are asking that very same question to yourself, chances are that you have not surrendered to Christ completely.  What I mean by that is, you should know without a doubt that you are saved.  There should be no confusion about it whatsoever.  Confidently know you’re saved.  People can have you in doubt by saying negative things to you, like: “You’re not saved because you still smoke”, or “How can you be saved when you still go to the club or use curse words”. Don’t let those people have you in doubt and confusion about your salvation. You are saved by the grace of God and not by your own works.  There is nothing you can do to save yourself.  This is what is required by you, “For if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved.” (Romans 10:9).

Myself being a perfect example for you, let me elaborate on this issue.  My late father was a Bishop, and of course I grew up in church like many other Christians.  The fact is that I still did not know God.  Witnessing others having a relationship with God was one thing and experiencing that relationship in my own life was another story.  After the passing of my father I soon realized that he was my spiritual crutch.  I replied on my father for prayer, advice, and spiritual guidance.  I’m sure there are a lot of people out there reading this book right now that may also have spiritual crutches in your lives.  But there came a time when I had to learn the word for myself and stand on my own two feet.  In order to have that walk with God that my heart desired, I had to go through some things first. God has a way of getting your attention.  How many of you know that the devil works best when you isolate yourself? A lot of people are saved but don’t go to church. I was one of the saints at one point in time.  All I have to say is that you’re very brave and I pray for you right now that God keeps you covered.  Being by yourself is when the enemy tries to creep in and manipulate you.  I was manipulated by thinking that all power was taken from me once my dad passed away.  At that time I was in a marriage that practiced the Islamic belief, and taught that Jesus was only a Prophet.  Satan had me thinking that I was weak and there was no way for me to defend my religion and beliefs.  So what did I do? I gave in and became spiritually confused.  I didn’t know what I believed anymore.  I’m not knocking the Islamic belief system; everyone’s entitled to their own belief and opinion.  However, I’m here to tell you that I fell on my knees and prayed that God would reveal the Spirit of Truth to me.  Help me, Holy Ghost.  As I began to seek God’s face in all of my confusion, the Holy Spirit began to stir up inside of me.  “The Holy Spirit guides us in the realization that it is in Jesus Christ that God the Father is seen and known (John 1:18). The Holy Spirit glorifies the Son so that we may know the Father. He reveals to us the Father in the Son. The Spirit of truth reveals to every seeker of the truth the fact that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and everyone who believes on Him has eternal life (20:31).  God has prepared our minds to accept this truth.

Life’s growing pains allowed me to get closer to God.  The hurt from my pain caused my much needed spiritual growth.  Sometimes you have to go through some tests to see God move in your life.  Once I finally got to the point where I knew God personally, it broke my heart to know that I went all that time without having God in my life. I had shut God out.  I thought he was no longer there.  But God has always been there just waiting for me to take his hand.  Just knowing that God has been there with me even when I turned my back on him, is enough to give him all the praise and the glory.  The footprints in my own life started to make sense to me.

I’m not talking to the non-believers; right now I’m reaching out to the saints that still don’t know God.  Do not let your Christian experience remain a routine.  You cannot even imagine how good it is to really know God.  People may ask, “How can they know if they really know God?” To answer those people I say, “Oh you’ll know”.  It’s almost scary that there are so many Christians in church playing with God.

Many people are like I used to be, not even realizing that they have no revelation of Christ.  Remember that other people’s relationships with God can’t get you in to heaven. You cannot rely on your relative’s and friend’s walk with God, but are responsible for your own walk.   To have a revelation of Christ is indescribable.  Once you have that encounter with God and to see for yourself who God truly is...it’s truly breathtaking.  Oh, to know God.  As you begin to have this revelation of God, you will start to understand things that may not have made sense before.  I thank God for the Spirit of Truth.  As the Holy Spirit began to work in my life, I became stronger and stronger.  Satan had no power over me once the Holy Ghost started moving in my soul.  When you’re down and feel as all your strength has left, call on the Lord.  When life’s situations have you feeling like you can’t press forward, call on the Lord. Tell the devil he has no power over you.  Tell the devil in his face that he’s a liar and has no control over your life.

I don’t care what college you graduated from, how many degrees you may have, how much money you may be making, how pretty you think you are.  All of that means absolutely nothing if you don’t have God in your life.  You can have all those things and still feel as though something’s missing from your life.  That’s because there is.  You will never feel whole and complete without having Jesus as your personal savior.  You may feel like God cannot love you because of your past, or maybe you’re waiting until you get your own life together first before you come to Christ.  Baby, that day will never come.  We will never be perfect and you can’t do it alone.  God will accept and forgive you, no matter what you’ve done in life.  And like a hospital, you don’t wait until you’re well to be seen; you go while you’re sick and in need of help.  Jesus is your help today and is the physician of all physicians.

.Prayer of Salvation

If you are not saved or unsure about your salvation, maybe you need to repent and need to rededicate your life to the Lord. Or if you are tired of going through life alone I ask you today to take God’s hand and repeat after me:  “God I love you, and understand that all of us have sinned and our sins have separated us from you. Lord Jesus, I believe you are the Son of God and I thank you for dying on the cross for my sins.  Please forgive me for my sins, take control over my life, and give me the gift of eternal life. Help me to live every day in a way that is pleasing to you.  I ask you to come into my life and heart to be my Lord and Savior. Amen.

You have nothing to lose. You tried drugs, sex, and just about everything else.  Why not try Jesus?

Chapter Four

Trusting In God

Do we really put all of our trust in God?  People often say they do, but do they really?  I would like to think so, however if I made that statement and said I always put my trust in God I’d be lying to you. I know that because I still worry about things at times.  Worrying is a sign that you are not trusting God.   In my opinion, it’s easier to say we trust God than to actually do it.  If we trust God so much, why is there so much worry and confusion in our lives today?  Simply because we’re trying to figure out life on our own and not letting God do what he’s promised.

If you think you’re paying bills because of that good job, you’re wrong.  Once that job is removed from you and you still are being provided for and still able to pay your bills…then guess what, it wasn’t that job providing for you after all.  People tend to give their jobs way to much credit.  God would like us to see that even without a job, he will still provide for us if we just trust him.

God has a way of showing himself to us at different times in our lives. After my divorce I didn’t get much help financially.  It was hard being divorced with two small children and no money.  However I knew that everything would be okay.  As broke as I was I still trusted God to take care of us.  For one, I didn’t have a choice but to trust God, because I didn’t have any other means. God just kept telling me, “Marita, you just do your part and keep serving me and I’ll do my part by taking care of you.”  I remember after I paid all my bills and still continue to pay my tithes all I had left was $50.00 to last me two weeks.  With that money I had to put gas in my car, not to mention I worked almost an hour away from my home and I still had to buy groceries.  My budget was spending $35.00 on gas and $15.00 on food.  That’s all I had for two whole weeks.  No one knew how much I was struggling, not even my mother.  At this time I wasn’t receiving child support yet so I would literally ask for change, to at least wash clothes…and still nothing.  I was learning to actually trust God.  At night while my children were sleeping I would go through our dirty clothes and sort by color. Then sort through the clothes again to find clothes that were clean enough to wear just one more time.  The clothes that really needed to be washed got washed with my $3.00 laundry budget.  My son was getting older and was starting to eat more.  Sometimes he would ask for seconds, but there were no seconds.  As a mother I gladly scraped food off my plate to give it to him, knowing that I didn’t have anything else to eat.  Some days I didn’t eat at all.  I applied for food stamps knowing I needed all the help I could get.  They rejected me, saying that I made $30.00 to much.  I went home cried and prayed, prayed and cried.  I had to really notice what was really happening, God was my help and my provider.  He just took my $50.00 that was left from my pay and stretched it; just like the multitudes were fed with the fish and bread. I never ran out of gas and my kids were never out of food.  We may not have had what we wanted but, God made sure we had what we needed.

After trusting God to take care of me, he began to move in my life.  Doors started opening for me, and money was increasing.  See what happens when you let go and let God take over.  I started getting jobs that paid well and made the salary of someone with a college degree.  God knew how much I was trying. I was working, going to school, taking care of the kids, and was very active in my church.

There was your chance to get happy, if you didn’t, I’ll praise him for you.  Maybe it didn’t hit home for you, but that was my life and I have a reason to praise God right now.  That could have been you struggling like that with two kids or maybe I could have been one of your children.  Sometimes we listen to someone’s trouble and it doesn’t hit home or connect.  I challenge you to take the time to make it personal.  Think of your own past or present situations, you can’t tell me that there is no God.  Think of everything He has brought you through.  Trusting God will help you become free.  He wants your love and your trust.  Do you trust him?

“Praise Break”

Trusting God is more than just letting him control your finances.  You have to trust God with your life.  God has a plan for you, and he knows how to shape you in order to fulfill the purpose.  We may not understand our troubles, but we have to learn to praise God in the midst of them.  Sometimes our troubles are blessings in disguise.  I thank God for my troubles.  God took the troublesome times and was using them to mold me into what he wanted me to be.  Had I not gone through some tough times, I may not have been where I’m at in life as we speak.  God knows what’s best for our lives and we have to trust His word.  If God said it, it will come to pass.

God is just so good; I can’t help but get happy when I think of everything the Lord has done for me.  As I looked over my life and think of the goodness of Jesus and all that he’s done for me, my soul continues to cries out Hallelujah. I thank God for saving me.   If any of you has ever let go and put your trust in my God then you would understand how I feel. As soon as I quit worrying about things I couldn’t control, God took over.  When you worry you’re not trusting and that is saying, “I don’t believe what God said is true.”  Trust God!  Don’t just say it, but do it. So do not say, “What shall we eat?” or “What shall we drink?” or “What shall we wear?” For the Pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. (Matthew 6:31-32)

Trusting God is more than just trusting him with your finances.  We have to learn to trust God with everything.  Besides, everything we are and have all belongs to the Lord.

Chapter Five

Walking Confident

Oftentimes we feel the need to justify ourselves to people.  That’s one of the reasons it’s so hard to get people in the doors of the church. Some people feel as if they go to church then they’ll have to prove themselves to someone, or prove that they’ve changed.  Well I’m here to tell you that no one knows your relationship with Christ like you. And that you don’t need to feel as though you owe anyone in church an explanation of your walk.  First and foremost, everyone going to church is not going to Heaven.  But I pray that God will give the saints a spirit of confidence as they walk with holding their head up high.  It’s not only the world but the saints inside the church that are just as mean and evil-spirited.  Church is the one place you should be able to go to and feel the love.  However we all know it’s not as friendly and loving as we would like.  Okay, maybe your church is, but all the churches I have been to aren’t even close to being perfect.  By the way, good luck on finding that perfect church.  We have to stop judging one another and worry about our own lives.  I have enough going on with me and my life, to be worried about someone else’s problems.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ll pray for you.  But I will not sit around and try to figure out all of your flaws when I need to evaluate my own.  The point I’m trying to make is, people spend all their time trying to figure out other saints’ relationships with God when they could be putting that time into their own.

The sad news is that, people are going to continue to always judge you.  You just have to learn to not care.  Build up your confidence to face anyone.  When people walk into a church for the first time, when altar call comes, everyone expects you to get up.  Just because there’s a visit, doesn’t mean there an unbeliever.  But because that church did see you get saved, they may judge.  Let’s be real.  Do you mind if I get real with you for a moment?  You can even go to a home church on the regular and get saved at Bible class, but when Sunday rolls everyone may not have heard the good news and continue to judge you.  That’s okay though.  God’s a personal God, God’s a personal savior.  You don’t have to say a word.  Your walk will soon speak for itself.  It only takes a matter of time before you start walking different, before you start acting different, before you start thinking differently.  God’s light will shine and you don’t have to say anything.  Your life will speak for itself. Go walk in confidence and be confidently saved.

Intimidation is another reason why many people lack spiritual confidence.  I believe some people go around quoting scriptures and how much they know the Bible, to make others feel less saved.  This is done at times to intentionally make others feel bad.  That’s crazy, right?  But it’s true, and be careful who you surround yourself with, because not everyone quoting scriptures is saved.  There are people who quote the word of God and others who have actually experienced God’s word.  Don’t let anyone intimidate your walk with Christ.  Everyone in church ain’t saved.  That’s right…”AIN’T  SAVED”.  My mother’s probably reading my book right now and cannot believe the grammar I’m using.  It can be scary at times when others seem to know the word more than you.  “You diligently study the Scriptures because you think that by them you possess eternal life.  These are Scriptures that testify about me.  And ye will not to come, that ye might have life.”  (John 5:40).  Knowing the word is not good enough. You must let God’s word manifest in you and remain in your heart.  If your heart’s desire is to learn more, just pray and ask God for that knowledge.  “If any of you, lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” (James 1:5)

I had to learn that no one can judge my walk with God, although people may try.  Some people may think that I don’t dress modestly enough, others may think that I don’t shout and dance in church enough, others may think I’m too radical.  The reality is, that you’ll never please everyone and their personal expectations as to what it means to be saved.  I had to learn to live for God and God alone.  These people here on earth have no Heaven or Hell to put me in.  Sometime we as Christians put so much pressure on ourselves and before you know it, you’ve become a faker.  Meaning, you know you may wear pants, but because you’re going to be around certain people you pretend as though you don’t even own a pair of pants.  You know I’m telling the truth.  You can literally wear yourself out, trying to pretend.  I have a hard enough time being me; I just don’t have the energy to keep changing based on who I happen to be around that particular day.  I love God with my whole heart and there is nothing fake about me. My heart is more important to Him than my outward appearance.   We all have our own personal convictions, and I believe I’m a true woman of God in spite of not meeting someone’s expectations of me.  I used to worry about being judged, but the longer I walk with Christ, the less I care about pleasing other believers and non-believers. I still struggle from time to time, but I have decided to walk with God in confidence.  I know who He is to me and I know that I’m nothing without Him.  Through Him I’m confident.  "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence.” (Matthew 23:25)

Lord, I pray right now, if there is someone reading this who’s struggling with their spiritual confidence that you build them up right now.  Father God, I pray that you allow the saints to see themselves as you see them Lord.  Lord, I ask you to wrap them in your arms and cover them from the attacks coming their way.  Allow them to confidently walk in your name, God.  Remind them that you judge their hearts and that their heart should reflect your love.  Outward appearance and perceptions mean nothing if our hearts don’t reflect your love. Deliver them now, Lord, from any low self-esteem that they may have in their lives. Give them the wisdom and courage to live a life pleasing to you and not a life that’s only pleasing to man. In the Name of Jesus, Amen.

Chapter Six

Forgiveness Is Necessary

Forgiving is supposed to be so simple. Well, I’m here to tell you that it’s the simple things in life that are hard for people to do.  People tend to often hold grudges when they have been hurt.  No one wants to be hurt, but it happens.  So as a defense mechanism when think we’re going to hurt who ever hurt us by hating them.  Wrong, wrong, wrong. When you hate someone or will not forgive, it only hurts you.  Now you have been hurt long enough, why would you continue to hurt your own self?  What sense does that make?  Someone once told me that “whenever you hate someone, that person you hate either doesn’t know you hate them or does not even care”.  Which is so very true.  I can’t speak for you but there has been times where someone may have been upset with me and I didn’t even know what I done or may have said to offend them.

As we sit back and look at our lives, I’m sure that there are people that we still have not forgiven.  I’m here to tell you that this spirit of not forgiving will end today.  I struggled so hard with this issue; however I realized that in order to break free I had to let some things go.  Oftentimes we try to run away from what really hurts us and we don’t even realize it.  It’s time to start confronting these issues to move forward with your walk with Christ.  Certain things will happen in your life to reveal what’s really going on with you.  I told you that in this book your true self will be exposed. I’ll start with my very own exposure, in order to free you.

Here I was living this saved life and thought that my past was behind me. I was not confronting some things that I still needed to be free from.  Forgiveness? I believed I had done that.  Well not exactly.  Once I was reunited with my first love, I found that I still had some issues.  Here I was with this wonderful man who loved and adored me, yet I still had a wall up blocking his love.  Why would this happen?  This bothered me for a long time.  Finally the love of my life is back and I was tripping.   To have someone that loves you so much when you’re not able to accept it is hard. Especially when that’s the person you want to be with and he is offering unconditional love that’s so hard to find.  I needed God to explain this one to me.  So I began to pray that the issue with me be exposed in order to open my heart for my love.

During this time no one knew what I was dealing with.  My mother called me one day out of the blue, and said, “Marita I pray that God softens your heart.”   I hung up the phone and began to cry out.  I began to talk to God and say I forgave my past relationship hurts. “Lord I don’t have baggage, why can’t I accept love into my life and why can’t I get rid of this wall that is blocking me from my blessing?”  God spoke to me that day and said, “You don’t have enough room in your heart for both hate and love, in order to receive and make room for love you must let go of the hate.”  Well, I got my answer, and now I had to do some work and start praying about whom my heart may still hate that I haven’t dealt with.

After days of seeking, the issue hit me.   Years prior when my brother was killed, I made up in my mind and heart that I would hate the people involved for the rest of my life.  What my mind forgot my heart remembered.  I literally forgot that I hated these people.  Once I confronted the issue I then had the chance to truly forgive what had happen to my brother.  Forgiveness set me free and I was able to finally receive the love that God wanted for me.

So I finally forgave and thought it was over, but boy was I wrong.  God wouldn’t let me rest about this forgiveness issue.  I just didn’t understand. I thought I had done what was required of me. I was able to forgive certain situations that at one point in time were unforgivable in my eyes.  So I fasted and prayed, then I got my answer.  God revealed to me that I forgave in my hearted but did not allow the individuals involved in my brothers murder to know of my forgiving. Okay, this was all harder than I thought it would be.  How many of you reading this right now know that forgiveness is a process?  Well, I wish someone would have told me.  I had to confront the very issue I didn’t want to deal with: the reality of forgiving.

In 2002, I was written a letter asking for my forgiveness. I couldn’t see myself ever forgiving the fact that my brother was killed.  Here it was six years later and through the Power of the Holy Ghost, I was able to forgive.  Now all I had to do was write a letter back letting this person know that I forgave him.  Writing that letter was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.  Praise God that I have truly forgiven and have been set free from having hatred in my heart.

I now challenge you to ask yourself, “Have you truly forgiven past hurts from your past?  Have you forgiven others who have offended you? I pray that you can find it in your heart today to forgive, to let go of that pain and hurt.  “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” (Matthew 6:4).  I know you may have been hurt in the past, but in order to move forward you have to be willing to forgive.  What some people may not realize is that, when you choose not to forgive, you’re actually hurting yourself.  It’s almost like pouring salt in your own wound.  Not only that, but the Holy Spirit makes you feel convicted over your action to not forgive.  How many people out there know, that the Holy Spirit will check you in a heartbeat if your actions are not in line with God?   I thank God for the Holy Spirit right now, because if I had to forgive on my own, I would still be holding all that built up hate inside of me right now.  When I lost my brother due to violence, I was so hurt because of that and it felt like a piece of me died also.  That was no way for me to live.  Depression tried to take over my life and I was letting it. I knew that in order to live life more abundantly, something needed to happen on my end.  I needed to forgive. After I sincerely forgave, peace came over me like you wouldn’t believe.  All those years I prayed for peace and all I had to do was release the hate and forgive.    Sometimes as Christians we tend to hold ourselves back from our own blessings.  If you think you deserve a blessing and wonder where it is, you better check yourself first because it might be you that’s stopping it.

My father’s passing was another time in which I had to learn to forgive.  This was very different than dealing with my brother’s death.  I found myself angry at my father because he died knowing that I was unaware of his true medical condition.  He chose to keep the details of his illness from me.  As a child whom loved her father dearly, I couldn’t understand why he didn’t allow me to care for him while he was sick.  My dad would play everything off as if he was truly okay.  There were even times when I would talk to him from his hospital bed, and assumed he was at home. After hanging up the phone and see my caller ID, I then would realize he was in the hospital.  I remember calling him back after getting off the phone on several occasions, confronting him about not letting me that he was admitted.  I would say, “Daddy why didn’t you tell me that you were I the hospital?”

His reply: “Because you didn’t ask.”

After my father went home to be with the Lord, I had to make funeral arrangements.  Only being nineteen years old, you can probably imagine how much stress I was under at the time.  I went to the funeral home to pick out my dad’s casket and you won’t believe what happened next. The funeral director shared with me that the last time my father and I were in town together for our family reunion, he stopped in and picked out his own casket. After that was shared, I immediately knew the exact day he was referring to. I remember on that day my father had to run some errands, and later would meet me for lunch.  My father picked me up and seemed not to be in the best of moods.  I asked him if anything was wrong and he responded that he was really tired and wanted to go lay down.  So we agreed to have lunch later after he felt better, and we did.

I was so hurt knowing that my father had picked out his casket and had to face me for lunch.  What an amazing strength my father had to have had. I’m not sure many people could have done that.  To meet your child for lunch knowing that you’re dying, and had just left the funeral home moments before to make funeral arrangements.  Discovering all of this broke my heart.  However it was even harder for me to forgive myself. During that time in my life, I was so lost and can recall my father asking me often, “Marita, do you still love God?”  I would reply by laughing and saying, “Yes, daddy, of course.”  But the truth is, I was really hurting and my father knew it, as well as my mother.  After my brother was killed, I found myself changing before my very eyes and Satan loved it.  I had even more tattoos, my lip was pierced, I was committing adultery, and you could look into my eyes and literally see a lost soul.  I didn’t care about anything, not even myself.  I was giving up on “me”.  I had no goals and didn’t see my life past that moment. I was living day to day, and wasn’t sure about anything.  After meeting my father for lunch, the next day he told me to have myself and my son ready at 8am, to leave for our family reunion.  Keep in mind, this reunion was the whole purpose of my visit to Ohio.  My father wanted my son and I to attend the reunion with him, as a family.  My father arrived to pick us up at 8am as promised, and I pretended not to hear the door.  I had been out all night and was more interested in whatever mess I was doing at that particular moment, or maybe I had a hangover, whatever it was, my priorities were really far off.  I watched my father from the window, knock on the front door and call my name.  After calling my name he went and sat in the car, then tried knocking on the door again.  After several times of doing this, he eventually drove away in disappointment.  I stood my father up and had no idea that the next time I would see him, he’d be on life support.  I’m telling you this because at the same time, I’m becoming free.  I will not carry this.  We must also learn to forgive ourselves.  Please remember that when you’re far away from God, you’re fair game on the enemy’s playground.  My father was a great man, and died watching me struggle as I was away from God.  I allowed my hurt to take over me.

My desire was to take care of my father when he was sick, and I wasn’t given that chance.  Because of that I was angry at him and myself.  He gave me his all and put many things on hold in order to be there for me.  I wanted to give him that in return.  After losing my brother, my father witnessed my pain and saw me grieving.  I now understand that he was just trying to protect me and didn’t want to cause me anymore heartaches.  He probably never could find the right time to tell me that he was dying.  As a mother I asked myself if I would have done the same thing as my father.  That answer is yes.  I forgive my father, and understand his love for me even more now.  My father didn’t want to be treated as a sickly man.  In fact, he preached up until he could not preach anymore.  He ran a revival just weeks before being admitted into the hospital where he later died.  My father was a great man, and I’m blessed to have had Bishop Westley C. Robinson as my father, as my best friend, and as my dad.  In 2004, a few years after my father died, I rededicated my life back to God and vowed that I would live the rest of my life for Him, if He’d just show me how.  I also learned to forgive myself and also became the woman of God that my father prayed for.  The enemy will try to bring up your past, but don’t give in to it.  It has happen to me, but I know I’m forgiven.  Don’t let the enemy deceive you and keep you in bondage. “If the Son shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.” (John 8:36) I pray today that if you are holding any kind of hurt inside of you and are struggling to forgive as I once did, I pray that God gives you strength right now to walk in faith and live in peace by releasing that pain that resides inside you.  God has forgiven you; who are we not to forgive? Don’t let your pain control you any longer, forgive and forgive today.  Or maybe you’re the person who has offended someone; ask for forgiveness today from that person.  That is your responsibility, so go to that person.  I’ll go first publicly: if I have offended or hurt anyone in my life, I ask for your forgiveness today.  I pray that God will heal any hurt that I may have caused and pray that God gives you peace over your life.  Now it’s your turn. Healing starts with forgiving.   Forgiving has set me free; and I pray the same freedom for you.  The past is the past and you must now learn to forgive yourself.  Accept the fact that we are forgiven in Christ, and don’t believe the devil’s lie that we are still guilty and should therefore feel guilty. The Bible says that when God forgives us, He “remembers our sins no more". (Jeremiah 31:34)

Amen.

Chapter Seven

Love Hurts

When it comes to love and relationships, many of us have failed terribly.  I admit I have learned some hard lessons and have bumped my head more than once, trying to figure out this thing we call love.  One of the reasons we struggle with relationships is simply because there are issues that we often battled within ourselves.  It’s hard to love someone when you struggle with loving yourself.

Over the years I have met so many people that admit to their past and childhood experiences contributing to their unhealthy relationships.  So where do you start the healing process?  First you must identify the issues and become honest and open with yourself.  Even in the matter of promiscuous individuals, there are issues contributing to such sexual behavior.  Most people who live promiscuous lives have suffered from some sort of sexual abuse.  Often this abuse occurs at a very young age, which perverts the image of sex.  This refers to both men and women coping with suppressed emotions.

I looked back over my life and realized I didn’t have things together and that’s why I ended up hurt multiple times.  Have you ever asked yourself, “How in the world did I end up here?” This often happens when you’re in a vulnerable state.  Love is cutthroat and the damage is underestimated.  That’s why a past relationship can affect a future one.  Many people are guilty of holding onto past hurts from unhealthy relationships and end up with insecurities that threaten a healthy relationship.  I’m guilty of that myself, but with the help from God, you can love and trust again.

Many times I feel as though we are so impatient.  By being impatient we try to handle things on our own.  Big mistake; when we do things on our own it ends up in a big mess that we expect God to clean up.  There are so many people that end up with the wrong person because they didn’t wait on God.  Impatience will have you picking your partner instead of you waiting and letting God prepare you for who you’re really supposed to be with.  That’s why there are so many unhappy marriages. I’ll put it plain and simple--ya’ll ain’t supposed to be together.”  I’m here to tell you that marriage without God is no marriage.  Now I know that statement alone is going to have all kinds of people writing me but it’s true and I’ll say it again.  Marriage without God is no marriage.  Couples become so desperate; I guess God was taking too long to find their soul mate, so they decide to find their own mate. When we try to work things out on our own, life ends up a hot mess and we wonder why.  Even in the case of making hasty decisions, God can still make things work out in your favor.  Many of you are guilty of having God clean up your mess all the time.  However it all comes with a price, we still have to live with consequences of making bad decisions.   During the cleaning up process God will teach you some things that will mature you.  Are you willing to be made? Are you willing to be corrected?

We sometimes tend to think that we know what’s best for our lives.  God will always prove us wrong.  Okay, maybe I’m just speaking from my own experience.   When I tried to do things my way it was a mess.  Maybe I’m the only person in this world that tried to do things their way.  I don’t know but, I’m just saying.   I tried doing things my own way, and ended up all messed up and confused. God was clearly missing from the equation.  At a young age I entered into a marriage filled with infidelity, lying, sneaking, and some more worldly things.  Now you tell me, what in the world did I know about marriage at the age of seventeen? The answer to that question, is NOTHING! If you don’t think being unequally yoked is real, you better ask somebody.  Again, that’s what I chose.  Somewhere down the line I knew that if God was not in it, the marriage would fail.  I remember praying, “Lord whatever is in my life, which is keeping me from getting closer to you, I don’t want it, Lord…take it away”.  As a result to that prayer, my life started to change and shift. I knew that change wouldn’t be easy but it was definitely necessary.

Divorce is often frowned upon and I completely understand why.  First of all, no one wants to get divorced.  Getting divorced is not a trip that’s pleasant.  It can make you feel as though you were sleeping with the enemy.  You sometime may see the worst come out of that person you once wanted to spend the rest of your life with.  Also you may see the worse come out of you.  Not only that, but if children are involved it’s traumatic for them as well.  Children get caught up in the midst and feel as though they have to choose sides.  Though our sins are forgiven, our actions still lead to consequences.   When vows are broken, trust is no longer there, and having a marriage without God, is a recipe for disaster and marriage can become very difficult.  I’m not encouraging divorce in any way.  That’s a decision that I made after praying and studying the Bible for myself.  You can judge me if you’d like, but that’s a decision I made after taking my situation to God.  I answer to God and God alone.  However I do encourage anyone reading this book that may be seeking a divorce to take it up with God and not to let anyone else influence your decision.

My new chapter of love begins, or should I say picked up, where it left off.  At the age of fourteen I found myself deeply in love.  I had puppy love that wouldn’t last, or so I was told.  It was so strange to have the feelings I had.  I wasn’t sure what my feelings meant at the time.  All I knew was that I enjoyed every minute of being in the company of this person.  We had a connection and bond that seemed impossible to be broken.  Even as a teenager, our relationship was very complicated.  Even through many complications the bond was still there.  I was at the age where I was seeking attention and had very low self-esteem.  I didn’t look like most girls my age.  I was a lot smaller and it took me longer to develop physically.  Most boys my age weren’t interested in a relationship with me.  I was “little Marita” to them, or referred to as “Westley’s little sister”.  Either way, that meant I wasn’t turning any heads.  My parents always told me how beautiful I was, but I wasn’t sure that I believed them.  The boys didn’t like me and had no idea who I’d grow up to be.  I entered into a relationship with a young man that showed me attention and was known to be a nice guy.   He played football and didn’t get into trouble.  There was no real commitment, but everyone knew that we were together.  He never wanted to give us a title, although I desired one.

As years went by and I relocated, I wrote him once a year and never got one letter written back. It was clear to me that it was over and not worth holding onto.  We lost all contact and moved on with our separate lives.  I always wondered about him, and how life was with him.  From time to time people from back home would mention his well-being to me and I have always prayed for his happiness.  I knew this was a good person and that he would make someone very happy one day, if he in fact would actually commit to them.  At the time I was married and limited my thoughts about him. You know how the enemy does, when things are rocky.  He tries to make you think of things that you have no business thinking of.  As the years went by and I began to mature and change, so did my circumstances.   After talking with a cousin from my home town and realizing that he was extremely close to my first love, I was destined to be back in his life as a friend.  Due to the lack of confidence that I once had, I felt that he mistreated me. I always knew that he loved me, but as with most teenage guys do, he had a hard time showing affection publicly.  Being in love as a teenager was difficult, having feelings that were unexplainable.  I later learned that you teach people how to treat you. Some issues occurred merely because I had no standards.  I later held a grudge against him and wanted to apologize for also mistreating him as my form of retaliation.  All I wanted was to ask for forgiveness, in spite of how he once treated me.  Don’t get me wrong, he was never a bad guy.  He just didn’t give me the recognition and commitment I felt was deserved.  I was head over heels in love with him in high school and had no idea what an adult relationship with him would be like.  I was no longer a child. I had grown into a confident woman with very high standards.

Being divorced with two kids, a relationship was the last thing on my mind.  Between work, kids, and church, there was really not any time for dating.  By this time, I came to terms with the fact that I was very unique in the dating scene anyway.  Men found it strange that I’d rather focus on my relationship with God than anything else.  Not only that but I never took money from a man. So if money was all they had to offer me then they ended up confused. Being single after a divorce, I realized how superficial people were.  Most men were only physically attracted to me and had no desire to see who I really was or what I had to offer.  The things I desired in a man were rare and hard to find. I wanted someone who could love me for me, not my looks.  Wisdom taught me that your appearance will change, and if a relationship is founded solely on looks, you’re already setting yourself up for failure.

After contacting my first love to congratulate him for completing college, instantly we realized how much we both missed our friendship.  Months passed from talking every now and again, and our friendship was again established.   As my friend, he would even offer love advice to me.  That was weird coming from him, but I valued his opinion.  We later discussed what happened with us and agreed to try a relationship again.  I was happy to have my friend and first love back in my life.  It was challenging, but we worked at it and later were married.  Not only were we married we were happy and had a daughter together.  I knew he really loved me and it wasn’t just because he found me to be attractive.  He knew “me” and loved “me”.

I was now with a man that loved God and it was great knowing that we had the same belief system, unlike my previous failed marriage.  He often expressed that he felt as if I were a lot further in my walk with Christ.  I explained how walking with Christ was a journey and people are at different places in their walk at different times.  Through my life experiences, I became closer to God and it wasn’t fair to compare each other’s walk.  Throughout the marriage he continually grew spiritually, but I often became discouraged because I felt that spiritually I was still leading the family.  Reality was, he was still a babe in Christ and I found myself with unrealistic expectation for him.

In the beginning of 2009, I was about to have my first book published, the original version of “The Unspoken Walk.”  Life was good and I was ready to see the effects that the book would have on the world.  I was sitting in the hospital room the day before Valentine’s Day, with my husband who had a fever greater than 104 degrees.  He was transferred there from another hospital after being said to have had sudden renal failure.  The cause of his sudden illness was not yet identified.  After a couple weeks of him believing he had the flu and being sent home from the ER on numerous occasions, the doctor at this new hospital was finally going to tell us what was wrong.  This was a busy time of year for me, as I was patiently waiting to hear from my publisher about the release date of my book.

The doctor walked into the room.  By this time the family had been moved to a special room.  From the looks of the room you can tell it was designed comfortably with the purpose of delivery bad news.  The doctor began to speak regretfully that the cause of illness was cancer, stage four NK (natural killer) cell leukemia.  This was no ordinary cancer, but one that was very aggressive and he was the only one in the country with it.  This news was astonishing.  I could not believe that they were giving him only two weeks to live.

After being told that devastating news, to my surprise my cell phone rang.  It was my publisher telling me that my book was being released into the market.  Talk about a bittersweet moment.  Actually I could not realize the sweet, because this book was the last thing on my mind.  Life was falling apart right before my eyes.  I couldn’t believe this was happening.  After all the storms and trials that I had already faced, this didn’t make sense.  I wasn’t a friend of death, although my entire life seemed to be centered around it.  All the men in my life were leaving me.  My brother was murdered, my father died from diabetes, I had already married young and divorced by the time I was twenty two, and now my husband is dying.  Lord God, please keep me near the cross, because this I didn’t understand.

As time went on, he lived four more months and then God called him home.  I found him dead in our bedroom.  He was sent home on hospice, and there his mother and I took turns caring for him.  I remember praying each night asking God for strength for the following morning as I knew the day would come that he would part from this earth.  I watched him slowly deteriorate. During his hospital stay, I practically lived at the hospital.  I wasn’t at home with my children, as I felt obligated as a wife to be by his side. Family members were taking turns watching the children and I’d see them on the weekends.  Meanwhile his family members and I were in rotation, vowing to never leave him alone to die.  Someone was always there with him.  I can remember countless times feeling homeless, being miles away from home and having to wash in public restroom sinks and never having privacy.  It was all worth it, and I knew that God was still preparing me to become what He desired. I Thessalonians 5:16-18 says, “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

During that time, those four months seemed like years.  Time went by so slow and I was emotionally, physically, and mentally drained.  My mother called me from Virginia and wanted to offer me some words of encouragement, because her heart ached for me and my situation.  I agreed that I needed any amount of strength that would help me.  She began to offer these amazing words of encouragement and tears just streamed down my face as I sat in the hospital hallway just feet away from the chapel where I’d go to pray.  As I wiped my face, she asked if any of that sounded familiar to me and I replied no ma’am.  She then told me, “Marita, I’m reading you the words from your book.” I froze with a look of confusion that fell upon my face, as if forgetting that I had even written a book.  That’s how good God is.  This book that was written just to help others, God knew that one day this book would also be written to help minister to me.

God gave me the strength that I’d prayed for and the courage to keep living.  I could have checked out and given up on life.  No, but I was determined to live and not be bitter.  I had no idea that people wanted me to stay stuck in life.  Many people were opposed to me moving on with life and could not understand how I could genuinely smile.  They weren’t able to walk in my shoes, therefore I had to understand their confusion.  I cherished life and I refused to settle for that being all that God had for me.  Something in my spirit told me that my life was just getting started, and that through my testimony, was healing for others. Philippians 4:7 “And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

It was my assignment to literally love someone to death.  It was an honor to have that humbling experience. God trusted me to go through that.  Before we married he was a babe in Christ and he died a man of God, a firm believer in Christ.  Was it possible that God allowed us to marry, to help him get closer to Christ?  Could God have allowed me as the wife to influence him in such a way that he desired to strengthen his walk with Christ?  Was it possible that God had me for him, so that he would have a praying wife by his side as he died?  Did God have someone else ordained for me to actually grow old with?  I did my job as a wife and I knew that God would honor my obedience and faithfulness.  The enemy wanted to make me believe that God had forgotten about me, that I was abandoned by God.  I loved someone with all my heart and at the age of twenty-six I was left a widow with three small children.  Two children were from my previous marriage, and now my youngest was left completely fatherless.  I needed God more now than ever before.  Life was kicking my butt and I felt that my life was cursed.  God then began to show me that He was still with me and was preparing me for something greater.

In Loving Memory of Franco Harden 6/14/2009

After a courageous battle with cancer

www.bethematch.com

I was being made into a true woman of God and was starting to believe what my father was trying to teach me.  As I continued to trust God with my life, I had to often remind myself that His plan is perfect.  Though I didn’t understand what was shifting in my life, I felt the transition.   God was showing me that my life’s tragedies weren’t personal at all.  God knew that I’d come through them all stronger than I’d entered into them.  He was preparing me to minister and to relate to His hurting people.  I thank God for trusting me to love Him even through my pain, praising Him through my trials, and honoring Him in spite of my circumstances.

Love indeed hurts, but I wanted what God had for me.  The million dollar question was, “If God allowed me to love again, would I be willing?”  At one point I wasn’t sure.  The amazing thing is, the more I knew God and spent time with Him, the less I was angry at my situation of being alone and becoming a widow.  God may have more for you, but will you welcome it?  I began to welcome and accept my new life.  I was determined to live and be happy.  My children didn’t deserve a bitter and angry black woman as their mother.  I wanted to become the best woman I could be, not allowing my past to define me.  I was ready to see what God had in store for me.  After all, He told me this was just the beginning of my life.  Today I’m happily married to Min. Demoine Kinney and he is a true gift from God.  I never thought I’d meet someone that loved God as much as my father.  My husband is a true man of God and he leads our family as God leads him. Some of you must think, “How is it that you were able to remarry?” That’s simple, because I had peace with knowing that I was a good wife to my late husband.  I had no regrets, I honored my vows, and was by his side until he took his last breath.  God allowed me to have peace because of how I treated him during and even before his illness.  I don’t think that anyone can fully understand unless they had to watch someone they loved live in pain and die before their very eyes.   To lose someone to an illness, is like having someone die before they actually leave this earth.  I lost my late husband way before he died.  I had to learn how to meet his needs as his needs changed.  I became his caregiver, and continued to talk to him as if he was well.  The illness took his strength, but I would not allow it to take his dignity.  When you’re faithful and honor God, He’s faithful to you and I believed that God would give me the desire of my heart, to not grow old alone and for my children to have a father that serves God.  God has smiled upon me and my family. I don’t mean to brag, but my husband is the bomb and God knew exactly what I needed.  I’m thankful for my husband, for loving me and taking me with all my scars, wounds, and insecurities.  I’m not perfect, but I’m blessed.   My husband made it a priority to show me things in life that I had never experienced.  For the first time in my life, I had the chance to ride in a limousine and I wasn’t on my way to a loved one’s funeral.  My husband was taking our family out to dinner.  I’m now learning to live until I die.  I’m still here, and life is still in me.

For those of you who have given up on love, keep the faith and your blessing is right around the corner.  As I have shared some of my experiences with you, you can clearly see how I could have thrown in the towel on love.  All odds were against me.  I was previously divorced, became a widow, and was a mother to three children.  Although that was all true, I had very high standards and knew that God wanted nothing but the best for me.  I was never willing to settle for an average man, but I knew that God had prepared a king for me and that I was prepared to be his queen.

When I first met my husband, I knew there was something different about him.  Even before we exchanged words, I could feel that God was doing something.  I was at a place in life where I was tired of being hurt by love and was starting to become comfortable living as a single woman with children.  I thank God that I was not bitter, because honestly, what man wants a bitter woman?  FYI, that’s just not attractive.  After my late husband died, there were other men that had shown interest in me, but I thank God for the spirit of discernment.

After working with my husband for over two months on a Christian stage play, we finally exchanged words the last night of the performance. As the cast and crew members exchanged their cards to keep in touch, I wondered if he’d give me his card. Indeed he did, and we continued to keep in touch.  As we learned more about each other, we noticed that we had a lot in common and experienced similar hurts.  For the first time, I felt that someone really understood me.  As we began to date, I realized that he not only was getting to know me, but he was studying me.  He was so connected to me and could feel what I was feeling without me even saying a word.  This caught me off guard as I’d never experienced this.

I had to remind myself that it was okay for him to love me.  I struggled with the thought of someone else loving me at first.  I knew that there was so much that went into being with me and often doubted if I deserved love again and if I deserved this awesome man. I wanted the relationship, but didn’t want the disappointment that often follows love. When he disclosed his birthday to me, I was in disbelief to know that it was October 20th, the date my brother was killed. I then remembered how short life was and I was willing to go for the ride.  Love hurts, but I was willing to take the risk. Demoine and I became very close and were falling in love.  I knew that I was a good woman and stopped doubting my worth.  Yes I had issues, yes I was a single parent, yes I had been a teenage mom, yes I went through a divorce, yes I was a widow, and yes I still knew that the woman God had developed me to be, was also a powerful woman of God that had wisdom and life experience.  See some of you have given up, but I’m a fighter.  I knew that God was making me into someone awesome.  Satan will use your past against you, but my God will use your past to build you, shape, and mold you into something beautiful.  My husband and I serve God together and both are wowed at what God has done in our lives. He was made for me and I was made for him.

Don’t for one second think that God does not want the best for you.  He did it for me and He will also do it for you.  I can’t begin to tell you all the people that hated on me for having yet another good man in my life.  Do not allow the opinions of others to keep you from your blessing.  Sometimes it’s the closest people to you which will discreetly want you to fail.  I cannot begin to express to you how God has moved in my life, and my God is worthy to be praised.

My husband not only loves me but the love he has for our children is amazing.  Yes you read correctly, I said our children.  Don’t settle for someone loving you and ignoring your children.  If you already have children, your significant other should love all of you and your children are indeed part of you.  I take my hat off to my husband.  I know that he’s able to love me because he truly loves God.  I thank him for reminding me how good it feels to laugh and enjoy life.  Know your worth and accept nothing less than the best.  My God is a healer and will restore what was lost or taken.  Trust God and his plans for you.  Thank God for the heartache and for the people that have walked out of your life.  Trust the people that God will bring into your life and the ones He decides to remove.  God continues to take me to glory to glory, higher and higher when I choose to trust Him. I love who I am and who I am not. Proverbs 31:10 “Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies.”

Chapter Eight

Tell Your Story ANYWAY

We all have our own story to tell and there more to us than what others see.  People can look at you and only see the smile that shines from your face and have no idea of the pain you harbor deep down inside.  I remember when I used to model, be on magazine covers, featured in hair magazines, swimsuit calendars, had a nice car, and appeared to have my life together.   At that point in my life, I was really trying to get my life together.  My main focus in life was to get closer to God.  It was harder than I thought.  Due to my past habits that weren’t so great, I had to do a lot of self-cleaning within myself.  You may not be able to change overnight, but God knows when you’re sincerely trying to live right.  I would get so down on myself when I sinned. I felt like a failure.  That’s just how Satan wants you to feel, like you’ll never be good enough to please God.  I’m here to tell you that Jesus already paid for my sins, and guilt will not dwell in me.  “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us for our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9) The feeling of guilt can take over your life if you let it.  God is a forgiving God, however we have to learn to forgive ourselves.  “Whenever our hearts condemn us.  For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.”   (1 John 3:20).

we are ashamed of our past and try to forget our sinful ways.  No one is perfect, and everyone has a past.  “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:23).  I can’t count how many people I run into at church that forgot what life was like before they got saved. I have been judged for having tattoos, being divorced, wearing make-up and jewelry, and personally I don’t care.  I’m not ashamed of any of those things and I am proud of who God has made me through it.  You don’t judge someone’s walk with God by their appearance or their situations.  If God played a movie of our lives as it really is and showed it to everyone, we would all be hiding underneath our seats.

Many wounded people come to church for comfort, healing, and understanding.  But because some saints are scared to share their testimonies, these wounded people are literally being robbed from their blessings.  God didn’t give you a testimony for you to keep it to yourself.  How selfish, not to share how God delivered you and all the things He brought you out of.  The fact is that when you’re truly delivered, you are no longer ashamed of your past and can tell your story to whoever God leads you to tell.   We cannot be worried about what other people may think; there are souls to be saved. By keeping your struggles secret you’re giving it power.  Once you decide to shine light on it, the devil can’t use it against you any longer.   I’m not telling you to go around town telling everybody you know all of your business.  I’m just suggesting that you not be ashamed and be honest with yourself about your struggles, and that it doesn’t hurt to have someone else praying for you as well.  When we try to hide these sinful secrets, Satan will try to use it against you.  You could be at church in the middle of hearing a powerful sermon, and here comes Satan whispering in your ear, “You think you’re saved, but what about that secret you think no one knows about?  You really belong to me; see I have your heart.”  If you think it won’t happen, you better think again.  Satan lives to manipulate you and your thoughts.  That’s when you have to be strong and tell the devil, “You are a liar. I’m a child of God and I will live a life that’s pleasing to him”.

Throughout this book you have gotten a chance to know a little bit about me.  So many things have happened in my life that have not been easy to get through.  But by the grace of God I made it, and am still making it.  The devil is full of tricks, but our God is smarter than him.  The devil thinks that if we go through certain experiences, that we’ll turn our backs on God.  I’m sure that was Satan’s plan for me. But how many of y’all know that my God had a different plan, and a different outcome for my life?

Life was hard being raised in the early part of my life by my single father and his mother.  My brother didn’t get along with my grandmother, which oftentimes left me to choose sides.  My father had many preaching engagements while I was a child and traveled with both my brother and me everywhere.  I remember him being so overprotective of me, that when he would preach at a church that was unfamiliar to me, I would sit in the pulpit with him instead of being seated in the pews by myself.  As a child, church was often boring. My brother and I would sometimes pass notes, play tic-tac-toe, and even in our younger years laugh at people as they shouted around the church.  My father was quick to stop in the middle of his sermon and give us the “you’re going to get it after church” eye or actually stop and say, “Marita and Lil Westley,” and then give us that eye.  That was so embarrassing, but needed.  We straightened right up after that.  Growing up I was surround by many preachers and church members and knew them all well.

As years went by, many things changed.  I found myself living with my mom, and as mentioned earlier in this book, my brother was in and out of jail due to all kinds of charges including selling drugs.  Life became very hard for me at this point.  I knew a lot of saved people in my life and at the same time was surrounded with a lot of people in the streets.  I was exposed to a lot and was beginning to make my own decisions about things in life.  I remember coming home from school and while my mother was still at work my house would be filled with drug dealers cutting up crack and others playing dice in the middle of our living room floor.  My brother use to make me leave the house because he didn’t want me around any of that.  My mother didn’t have a clue what went on in our home while she was at work. I would never tell on my brother, and I don’t know why.  Though he was caught up in the streets, I never wanted to see him in any type of trouble, and he was the only authority figure in my life for a long time.  This was due to my father living far away and mother working all the time.  So what do you do when you’re confronting two completely different types of lifestyles?

My mother owned a duplex; we lived on one side and rented out the other.  Every tenant that my mother rented the house out to, just happen to be saved.  I was invited to their church regularly and was always happy to go.  See how God strategically places people in our lives? I was being shaped and molded by both worlds, and God still had me surrounded by godly people.  When I look back over my life and truly see what God has brought me out of, it really blows me away.  I remember getting high at age eleven, not just experimenting, but getting high on the regular basis.  By the grace of God, I never went down the path of crack, cocaine, pills etc.  I thank God for having control over my mind even back then.  It breaks my heart to see people that I used to get high with, strung out on drugs.  I can’t help but realize when I see them, that it could have been me.  However it’s awesome to have saved friends that I used to run the streets with, and now we can praise God together and have a Holy Ghost party.  I appreciate seeing how my saved friends have grown spiritually and how far we all have come.

God is an awesome God and can deliver you from anything.  Not for one second should you ever be ashamed of what God has delivered you from.  I serve a God who can do all things.  If God has delivered you from anything, I dare you to praise him right now.  My God is a deliverer and he can deliver you from anything.  The battle is the Lord’s to fight; all you have to do is just trust him.

This Poem was written for me from my mother.  She presented it to me at my Book Release Party.  Thank you Mom!

THE JOURNEY

From the beginning you heard God’s word while still in the womb

You traveled the country with your father

Evangelizing as the Holy Spirit worked the room

Brother Westley led thousands to be saved, preaching in Jesus’ name

It seems that you are destined to do the same

One foot in front of the other

One step at a time

Sometimes looking back, but moving forward all the time

Saints near and far have whispered your name in prayer

Preparing you for this journey a road lonely and full of despair

Acknowledge All Mighty God in all that you do

Rely on his guidance to always see you through

Pray without ceasing and, of course you must fast

There will be many foul spirits trying to make sure you won’t last

One foot in front of the other

One step at a time

Sometimes looking back, but moving forward all the time

Some friends will fall by the wayside full of envy, jealousy, and strife

Eager to pass judgment about you and your life

I’d like to see them walk a mile in your shoes

I really doubt if they’d be willing to pay all the dues

One foot in front of the other

One step at a time

Sometimes looking back, but moving forward all the time

The seed of spreading Salvation

has been planted deep in your soul

My prayer for you my daughter

is that you will help make others whole

Live life to the fullest, be happy, healthy, and blessed

Smell the roses, enjoy your children, because soon there will be other test

One foot in front of the other

One step at a time

Sometimes looking back, but moving forward all the time

‘The Unspoken Walk” is a book about your trails, tribulations, and pain

But, oh my daughter, look what you have gained

You are strong in the Lord, His power and might

But this strength you have, just didn’t occur over night

The lessons you have learned have really made you think

Now you know for certain

ONLY HAVING joy in the Lord is YOUR STRENGTH

One foot in front of the other

One step at a time

Sometimes looking back, but moving forward all the time

Love Mom,

12/5/2009

Conclusion

You have seen the way God has moved in my life and I’m honored to have God as the head of my life and I praise God for saving me.  As you have read in this book, my life has truly been changed by the footprints of God.  Oftentimes we feel alone and distant from the Lord.  We have to remember that when we are weak, God is truly strong.  There are times in our lives when God has to literally carry us through.  The one set of footprints are the Lord’s as he carries us through troublesome times.   We do not have to go through our pain alone, and those life’s aches and pains that we feel are not for us to carry.  God is waiting to carry every burden for us. The time will come when you have to let go of all the burdens and give them to the Lord.  We cannot do God’s job, and we can’t carry God’s load.  God is ready when you are; he’s waiting to take the entire pain away.  Give it all to him and be free today.  If you have already done this in your life, bless someone else today and pray for them to be released and free.

There’s no love like God’s love.   I pray that God keeps every last one of you reading this book from all hurt, harm, and danger.  I pray today that the reader will continue on this journey with Christ.  Though crisis may come your way, remember Christ is in the midst of your crisis.  With God, you can get through anything.  Due to my life’s trials, I now know God. Are you willing to be broken, in order to be made whole?

Dear Heavenly Father, I ask you to keep everyone’s mind focused on you, Oh Lord.  Allow us to continue to lift up your name and to share your goodness with everyone we pass by.  God I ask that you continue to watch over our children and keep them from Satan’s trap. Deliver us from evil, Lord, and allow us to walk in confidence as we glorify your name.  In Jesus’s name I pray. Amen

Thank you for allowing me to share my story with you.  I pray that someone reading this book has been inspired and encouraged.

Marita Kinney

www.maritakinney.com

About the Author

Who is Marita Kinney?

Marita L Kinney is an Amazon Best-Selling Author and a woman of many talents. A published Author, Life Coach and Motivational Speaker, Marita has inspired thousands of people to overcome adversity with triumph through faith and perseverance. While facing several life changing challenges herself, Marita had enough faith to conquer tribulations, coming out victorious. She is best known for her Christian Fiction novellas and heart felt inspirational books. Loving God with her whole heart, she has vowed to live a life of transparency winning souls to Christ with the realness of her journey and the relatability of her testimony. In March of 2009 Marita published her debut book entitled The Unspoken Walk”. Capturing the true essence of what it means to turn “lemons into lemonade”, she has taken the harsh lessons of life and developed a plan for successfully living. The Unspoken Walk has afforded Marita the opportunity to travel all over the country spreading the wonderful joys of her faith with anyone willing to hear it. That's where her journey began as a Life Coach. Supporters from across the country began seeking Mrs. Kinney inspiration and encouragement. Marita then furthered her education and obtained her certification for Life Coaching through The Life Purpose Institute and became Board Certified through The Center for Credentialing and Education (C.C.E), as an affiliate of the National Board for Certified Counselors.

Marita proved to be destined to spread God's word like her father, the late Bishop Westley C Robinson.  Marita is also wife of Comedian, Actor, and Saxophonist, Demoine Kinney. They are the proud parents of six children. She is also a successful business woman. Putting herself through college, Marita is a graduate of Ashworth University, obtaining two degrees, Business Administration and Human Resources Management.  She has established herself as a source of inspiration, influence, and encouragement to many women.  She is also a Advocate for The National Bone Marrow Donor Program, helping to educate minorities on the lack of minority donors and how it affects the community.  Marita has been selected by the National Association Of Professional Women as the 2010/2011 "Woman of the Year". With a heart to serve, she humbly allows God to direct her ministry going wherever the spirit of God leads her.

LISTEN TO HER TESTIMONY

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Snow Series:

Table of Contents

Copyright© 2013 by Marita Kinney.

Introduction

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Conclusion

About the Author

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