THE  GIFT  OF

MARRIAGE

T o n y  G o o d m a n

The Disciple Maker Series

Illustrations: Anna Goodman

Cover: Daniel Goodman

E   C   L   I   P   S   E

Equipping Christian Leaders

Internationally:

Pastorally, Spiritually & Educationally

A ministry accountable to

Bissau Central Church and

Salisbury City Church

NEWFRONTIERS

CP 992, Bissau, Guinea-Bissau, West Africa

24 Milford Street, Salisbury, Wiltshire, SP1 2AP (01722 333351)

www.salisburycitychurch.org

www.newfrontiers.xtn.org

www.eclipseafrica.com

Copyright © Tony Goodman June, 2010.  The right of Tony Goodman to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved.  No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the author. (This can easily be obtained.)

Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations (normally in italics) are taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION (copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society) and used by permission.

Scripture quotations marked (NASB) are taken from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE, copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockwood Foundation and used by permission.

Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW LIVING TRANSLATION, copyright © 1996.  Used by permission of Tyndale House publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189.  All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked (The Message) are taken from THE MESSAGE (The Bible in Contemporary Language by Eugene H Peterson) copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002 and used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

Scripture quotations marked (Amp) are taken from THE AMPLIFIED BIBLE, copyright © 1965 Zondervan Publishing House.

Scripture quotations marked (KJ) are taken from the KING JAMES BIBLE.

Scripture quotations [marked (ESV)] are taken from the Holy Bible, English Standard Version, published by HarperCollins Publishers © 2001 Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

OTHER BOOKS IN THIS SERIES

TRUTH THAT DEMOLISHES STRONGHOLDS

WELLS OF WORSHIP

DISCOVERING YOUR ASSIGNED TASK

THE HEARTBREAK OF DIVORCE

IN PORTUGUESE

FONTES DE ADORAÇÃO

O CAMINHO DE DEUS

O DOM DO CASAMENTO

DEDICATION - DISCIPLE MAKER SERIES

With tremendous gratitude to God, I dedicate this series to my dear brothers and sisters in the Portuguese and English speaking countries of Africa, who are giving their lives to preaching the gospel, making disciples and planting churches in that magnificent continent where there is such desperate suffering and need. Through your love, sacrifice and commitment, God will do great and wonderful things in these days of exceptional growth.

I am thinking, at this moment, of my dear friends Zé Paulo and Itla Semedo, Domingos and Maria Dias, Paulo and Felícia Mendes, Giro and Sábado Gomes, Joaquim and Segunda Correia, Quintino and Inácia Gomes, Zé Augusto and Eugénia Bedeslei, Caetano and Joana Indami, Moisés and Quinta Arriaga, and so many others that it is impossible to mention them all. You are an inspiration! It is such a privilege to know you and to serve Jesus with you. My prayer is that these books will become, as has been prophesied, like sacks of seed to help you to feed the hungry and to build them up in their faith.

But I also count it a joy to dedicate the series to my precious wife Sue and to my dearly loved children: Laura, Emma, Daniel and Hannah, all of whom are now, as ever, "contending at my side in the cause of the gospel" (Philippians 4:3). What a blessing!

Jesus said: "The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.  He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, (recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed), to proclaim the year of the Lord's favour" (Isaiah 61:1, 2; Luke 4:18, 19). "Peace be with you!  As the Father has sent me, I am sending you" (John 21:21).

DEDICATION – THE GIFT OF MARRIAGE

How could I not dedicate this book to my lovely wife Sue?

We both know it was God who brought us together and who then made us one in body, spirit and purpose.

Thank you for being a great companion, a gifted counterpart, a faithful friend and a tender lover. Thank you for your cheerfulness, your sweetness, your thankfulness and your unshakeable faith. Thank you for your consistency and adaptability through over 40 years of marriage with 20 home-moves in 3 different countries.

You are a wonderful example of a true disciple of Jesus Christ: a loving and compassionate mother and grandmother and all a man could ever hope for in a wife.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I acknowledge my indebtedness to the authors of numerous books and many sections within Bible commentaries covering this topic; not to mention a number of marriage course leaders and Bible teachers. There are just too many to name. However, my favourite and most influential resource is the little book by Walter Trobisch, published by Inter-Varsity Press and entitled: "I Married You". It uniquely intersperses systematic teaching with autobiographical accounts. Trobisch insightfully uses the situations and attitudes encountered in African homes to graphically illustrate the biblical principles he was seeking to underlining during a ministry trip.

Appendix 5 draws on an excellent theological paper by Andrew Wilson in which he seeks to define "The Essential Gospel".

On a personal level I would like to thank Phil Campion, Julian Bryant, Bob Reeve, Anna Goodman, Emmanuel and Lynn Chisadza and Kevin and Ness Bartlett for their very helpful suggestions for changes to the draft copy of this book. Phil made the most and almost all have been incorporated! The Chisadzas from Zimbabwe kept me from making a number of cultural blunders. Responsibility for the final text, however, is mine alone.

General Notes

In all Scripture quotations, words that are not in italics, and are within square brackets, are not in the text but are included to give context, to clarify meaning and to aid understanding. The abbreviations OT and NT stand for the Old Testament and the New Testament respectively.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

OTHER BOOKS IN THIS SERIES

DEDICATION - DISCIPLE MAKER SERIES

DEDICATION – THE GIFT OF MARRIAGE

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

TABLE OF CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION TO THE DISCIPLE MAKER SERIES

OTHER DISCIPLE MAKER BOOKS IN PREPARATION

DISCIPLE MAKER BOOKS CURRENTLY AVAILABLE

GETTING THE MOST OUT OF THIS SERIES

INTRODUCTION

BE PREPARED

AS IT WAS IN THE BEGINNING

ACCORDING TO THE PATTERN

WIVES

HUSBANDS

APPRECIATING ONE ANOTHER

EXPRESSIONS OF LOVE

PASSION

WORKING IT OUT

KEEPING ON TRACK

LIVING BY GRACE

APPENDIX 1 - THE APPROPRIATENESS OF A MARRIAGE CEREMONY

APPENDIX 2- A MARRIAGE CEREMONY

APPENDIX 3 - A MARRIAGE ADDRESS OUTLINE

APPENDIX 4 - MARRIAGE COURSE LEADER'S GUIDE

APPENDIX 5 - BECOMING A CHRISTIAN

INTRODUCTION TO THE DISCIPLE MAKER SERIES

This series of books is being written in obedience to a personal word from God to "do what only you can do". (I guess the same applies to each one of us, for we are all uniquely made and uniquely equipped by a loving Father to serve him in a unique way.) In my case it is about being able to write in simple Portuguese with a specific group of church leaders and workers in mind, where such tailor-made leadership resources are in short supply, if available at all. This is an exciting time of expansion and rapid church growth and the need to move forward on pathways paved with solid biblical principles is greater than ever.

Having served God in Guinea-Bissau for fourteen years, through a time of transition from a "Foreign Mission" directed work to a "National Church Leadership" directed work, I have a great love and respect for African men and women called to lead God's people. He has given me a specific desire to help the pastors among them to successfully discharge all the duties of their ministry. Many have not had the opportunity to benefit from any form of structured training. My prayer is that this series will compensate, albeit in a very small way, for this lost privilege.

My objectives in writing this series are:

To help every leader working with small groups or large churches to know who they are in Christ, to find confidence in God and to discover their unique blend of gifting.

To encourage those in isolated and remote situations to find strength in God and to persevere in bringing others to maturity.  (You have a special place in God's affections and your labours are never in vain.)

To provide resources for leading Bible studies, for equipping those in training and for preparing sermons.

To give outlines, examples and suggestions for conducting special ceremonies and services such as the dedication of children, weddings, funerals, the appointment of elders, etc.

I will endeavour to do this:

By underlining the need for truly biblical and Holy Spirit appointed leadership in local churches and families of churches.

By stressing the need for apostolic teams to be the master builders in church planting and church growth.

By taking the teaching and experiences of the emerging church in the NT as the foundation, rather than any denominational emphasis.

By addressing issues that the Holy Spirit is highlighting throughout the world today.

By covering the essential areas of local church ministry in a thoroughly biblical, personal and practical way.

By establishing principles, summarizing arguments and succinctly stating in simple language the main points at issue appropriate to each subject.

By running ECLIPSE as a charitable, non-profit-making ministry, so that these books can be made available to church leaders in the developing world and delivered to their destination completely free of charge, or at cost.

OTHER DISCIPLE MAKER BOOKS IN PREPARATION

Servant Leadership 1

Word and Spirit

Apostolic Teams

Eldership and Training (Service of ordination)

Male and Female Roles

Kingdom of God

Evangelism, Church planting and Missions (Service of valediction)

Servant Leadership 2

Church Government (Families of Churches)

Purposes, Values, Vision, Strategy (Nehemiah)

Commitment Course (Members Covenant)

Church Community Growth Groups or Life Groups (Leader's Training)

Water Baptism, Communion, Church Discipline, Family Meetings

Bereavement and Funeral Service

Discipleship 2

Face-to-face-with-God Weekends (Ministry guidelines)

Freedom in Christ

The Grace of God

Parenting

Dedication Service

Money, Wealth and Possessions

Tithes and Offerings

Empowering the Poor

DISCIPLE MAKER BOOKS CURRENTLY AVAILABLE

Worship (English and Portuguese)

Leader's Workshop

Discipleship 1 (Portuguese only)

Foundations

Basic Doctrines

Spiritual gifts (English almost ready; Portuguese version being prepared)

Baptism in the Holy Spirit

Discovering one's motivational gifts

Spiritual Warfare (English only; Portuguese version being prepared)

Demolishing strongholds

Marriage (English only; Portuguese version being translated)

Marriage Preparation

Marriage Enrichment

Wedding Service

Divorce (English almost ready; Portuguese version being prepared)

Wedding Vow Renewal Service

I warmly invite any brother or sister, called to equip God's people for works of service, to write in, or to email me, with suggestions for revisions and new topics, or with questions. There are many I can call upon for help. We are here to serve you.

GETTING THE MOST OUT OF THIS SERIES

My Bible School principal used to say that a serious student of God's Word would try not to study a book that sought to expound its meaning without doing four things. He or she would first pray and ask the Holy Spirit to be their teacher and guide. They would then look up the majority of the verses referred to as they go, so as to check out their meaning in accordance with their biblical and historical context.

As well as their Bibles, they would try to have a pen to hand, together with a notebook. They could then underline the most important sentences and paragraphs in the book being studied (and in their Bibles) and make their own personal notes in their notebooks. It is not easy, but whenever I discipline myself to do these four things, I learn far more than I would by just reading the book itself.

It is probably best to study no more than one, or may be two chapters at a time.  When we rush through this type of book we are in danger of retaining little of what God would teach us.

A word about the Book Assignments, these are included to help you to evaluate your own understanding of the material you have been studying, and to assist you to apply it in your own life and in your ministry to others. Many of the questions lend themselves to group study, but, before using them in this way, try to work through them yourself.

The gems you, personally, dig out of God's Word will gleam all the more brightly as you share them with others. Accountability is always a good thing. Why not tell your pastor, or other trusted leader, that you are working through this book and ask them to give you their assessment on how well you are handling the assignments?

This book has also been written as a manual to be used as part of a marriage enrichment course organised by a local church. The Marriage Course Assignments are designed to be part of such a course, but can obviously be used by a couple working on their own. (See Appendix 4 Marriage Course Leader's Guide.) Ideally, each spouse should have their own copy, however, if this is not possible, one book between them could suffice. In this case each would then need to exercise discipline and extreme care not to look at their spouse's answers before filling in their own!

CHAPTER ONE

INTRODUCTION

Marriage is not the blending of two worlds but the creation of a new one.  Marriage is not a perpetual struggle to establish personal rights but a harmonious outworking of different roles and responsibilities. Marriage is not about defending independence and personal space but about unselfishly becoming one. Marriage is not the fulfilment of dream images but the joyful acceptance of a precious gift from God in the person of my spouse. Marriage is not the avoidance of conflict, sorrow and difficulties but the maturing of love through them. Marriage is not the last priority after career, ministry, children, other people and pastimes but the first after God.

The essence of marriage is oneness: "They are no longer two, but one" (Matthew 19:6). Its joy lies in the sweetness of the relationship: loving-kindness, compassion, empathy, deep respect, closeness, unselfishness, mutual esteem, support and encouragement. A formal definition could be: a totally committed loving, spiritual, sexual and complementary covenant of companionship. Marriage creates a protective and secure environment for the raising of children, though it is complete without them. It is a strong and reliable building block for developing a healthy society and for building strong churches. It can also provide a home for the homeless, a father and mother for the orphan and a place of refuge and comfort for the suffering.

The husband/wife relationship is the closest the Bible recognizes and as such should be protected from parental and all other interference. My spouse should always come before my parents and my children, but God must always have first place in my life. When a Christian couple follow this order of priorities, they can rely on their loving Heavenly Father to become the third strand of their marriage cord, ensuring it will not be "quickly broken" (Ecclesiastes 4:12).

GOD'S PRINCIPLES FOR RELATIONSHIPS

In all human relationships, not just in marriage, the following four principles are paramount.

1  Jesus must have first place in our hearts

The Bible says: "In your heart set aside Christ as Lord" (1 Peter 3:15). It is "out of reverence for Christ" that we are to "submit to one another" (Ephesians 5:21). Those who serve are to do so "wholeheartedly" as if they were "serving the Lord, not men" (Ephesians 6:7). When we "carry each other's burdens" we fulfil the "law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2). The better our relationship with Jesus, the better our relationships with others. The more we try to please him, the more we will please those who love him. The closer we walk with him in obedience, the more blessing we will bring into the lives of others. This is especially so in marriage. Living our lives in submission to Jesus will keep us from inappropriate relationships with non-believers, unhealthy relationships between parents and children, and homosexual relationships.

2  All people are worthy of honour and respect

The Bible affords dignity and honour to all, for all are made in the image of God. No one is of more or less worth to God than anyone else. Other religions may devalue women and children. The Bible doesn't. Jesus honoured them. Many societies look down on those who carry out menial tasks. The Bible doesn't. It gives slaves equal standing with their masters. The latter are to treat the former with respect and sincerity of heart knowing that their slaves' heavenly Master is their Master too "and there is no favouritism with him" (Ephesians 6:5-9). In some countries whole sections of society, or certain tribes, are considered inferior to others. The Bible makes no such distinctions. Disciples of Jesus are to respect, value, and promote the dignity and esteem of all, treating them as equals, without showing favouritism.

3  Responsibilities are always reciprocal (complementary)

The Bible makes it clear that where there are responsibilities on one side of a relationship, there are always corresponding responsibilities on the other. If a wife is called upon to submit to her husband then her husband is called upon to love her so much that he would lay down his life for her. When a child is told to obey his or her parents, those same parents are told to teach, train and encourage that child and never to exasperate, discourage or embitter him or her. Just as slaves are told to obey their masters, so are masters told to respect their slaves and not to threaten them. In the same way that citizens are instructed to give to their governing authorities what is their due, so are such authorities, as God's representatives, expected to punish those who do wrong and commend those who do right (1 Peter 2:12-17). However, where biblical principles and responsibilities are being treated with contempt by one party or the other, and where abuse of power is the outcome, God does not expect a mindless submission on the part of the sufferer. The Holy Spirit is to be our guide. God's grace is sufficient for us if he leads us to endure. God's wisdom is available to us if it is right to actively resist.

4  Personal responsibilities are unconditional

The Bible calls disciples of Jesus to fulfil their responsibilities in relationships unconditionally and by faith. Slaves were addressed in this way: "Submit yourselves to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh" (1 Peter 2:18). They were to obey their masters as though they were obeying Christ and to believe that such action would glorify God and might influence their masters to seek God for themselves. Wives of unbelievers are told to win over their husbands to Christ without words but through the beauty and reverence of their lives. They are to submit to their non-Christian husbands, doing what is right and not giving way to fear (1 Peter 3:1-6). Their trust is to be in God. I may be faithful in fulfilling my responsibilities in a relationship and the other person unfaithful.  What should I do? I should continue to obey God and trust him to change the other person. The Bible calls me to positive, unconditional obedience.

GOD'S PURPOSES FOR MARRIAGE

Marriage fulfils a number of purposes. Some are more significant than others, but all are important.

1  To deal with loneliness

God said: "It is not good for the man to be alone" (Genesis 2:18). The woman was God's gracious provision for the man to end his loneliness.  We were born for relationship. It is the reason God created the universe. He wants an enormous family! When Jesus chose his disciples it was so that they might be with him (Mark 3:14). At the time of his greatest trial in Gethsemane he took Peter, James and John with him and said to them: "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me" (Matthew 26:38). At the point of his greatest need he craved human companionship. Marriage is the only relationship that truly meets this need for its togetherness is meant for all conditions and circumstances. However desperately vulnerable a person may become, their spouse can be there for them; to love them and to care for them. Marriage should mean that neither husband nor wife need fear having to face any major trauma on their own.

2  To build strong communities

Strong marriages make for strong nuclear families, which make for strong communities. "God sets the lonely in families" (Psalm 68:6). God expects nuclear families to provide a home for the homeless, parents for the orphans and to be a family to those without one.  No one is to be left alone and uncared for. The Lord spoke to Moses and said: "Take a census of the whole Israelite community by their clans and families" (Numbers 1:2). The smallest building block of the Israelite community was the nuclear family – husband, wife and children. Then came the extended family and finally the clan or tribe.  The biblical emphasis is definitely on the importance of the nuclear family rather than the extended family – even less, the tribe. African culture tends to focus on the tribe, then the extended family and finally on the nuclear family. This works to the detriment of the latter. Where fathers and mothers, brothers and sisters, grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins, etc., are put before spouses, a truly biblical Christian marriage becomes impossible. This is equally true when tribal allegiances are stronger than those which tie us together as the people of God living in accordance with his Word.

When marriages break down, society breaks down. When husbands and wives fail each other and set a bad example to their children the next generation fragments. When discipline disappears from the home it disappears from public places and schools.

Christian couples have the responsibility and privilege to show the world what marriage, as God intended, is really like. Just as Paul told his converts to watch him and follow his example, so we too can do the same for the couples with whom we come into contact. We will be blessed in our own marriages when we do this, but we will have the added joy of knowing we are contributing to a better society and at the same time making the teaching of Christ more attractive to outsiders.

3  To mirror a divine relationship

One of the main purposes of marriage is to vividly reflect the relationship that exists between the Son of God and his eternal bride, the Church. It is a high calling indeed and this, more than anything else, sets marriage above all other human relationships. What exciting prospects it holds! What a responsibility!

God's overall purpose as far as this world is concerned is to find a bride for his Son. Israel's task was to be a light to the Gentiles. The Church's task is to reach the nations for Christ and to establish his kingdom on earth. How are men and women to be drawn to him? Jesus said: "By this will all men know that you are my disciples if you love one another" (John 13:35). Clearly, Christian love will attract them. Jesus also said: "Let your light shine before men, that they might see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven" (Matthew 5:16). Good works will play their part.

After Paul had given a number of instructions concerning how young wives should live and behave, he ended with these words: "so that no one will malign the word of God" (Titus 2:3-5). Good Christian marriages attract people to Christ. Bad Christian marriages cause God's name to be dishonoured and form stumbling blocks to the acceptance of the gospel.

4  To develop disciples

Both husband and wife need to understand and accept that the greatest tests, as to the genuineness of their being disciples of Jesus, are likely to occur within their marriage relationship. There are only two people who really know what we are like: God and our spouse! Marriage is the Holy Spirit's opportunity to transform us into the image of Christ.

A disciple dies to self daily, takes up his/her cross and follows Jesus, i.e., follows his example and does what he would do. A disciple obeys everything Jesus commanded; renounces all he/she has; shares his/her faith with the unsaved; is salt and light in the world; puts Jesus first and joyfully accepts the sacrifices which will often need to be made for the sake of marriage, family life, education of the children, etc. A marriage where both partners are true disciples of Jesus will be a happy one for they will each be trying to out-do the other in demonstrating unselfish, sacrificial love.

GOD'S PLAN FOR MARRIAGE

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). (For "united to his wife" the KJ version has "cleave unto his wife".) This verse is found in three other places in the Bible: Matthew 19:5; Mark 10:7; and Ephesians 5:31. It has to be the key! In fact it gives us a biblical definition for marriage that transcends cultural belief and practice.

It has three parts: leaving, cleaving and weaving. These three essential ingredients of marriage could be seen as the "three legs of the marriage stool". If any one of the legs is missing the stool will fall over! Alternatively we could see the three essential components as forming a triangle. This is a strong and rigid structure, but if one side is missing it will collapse. Then again it could be seen as a three-sided pyramid-shaped tent. If one panel is missing, all those inside will be completely exposed to the wind and the rain.

Each of these three areas needs to be thoroughly understood by every married couple, but also by engaged couples so that in preparing themselves for marriage they are left in no doubt as to what the crucial components are. Simply put, if any one of them is missing a marriage does not exist! A marriage ceremony itself, together with the vows that are made, form part of the "leaving" process and in no way constitute all that it means to be married. God is looking for faithfulness in all three areas, not just in one. We will study them in more detail later, but, for now, consider the following:

1  Leaving

As already noted, the primary human relationship is that which exists between husband and wife. It is the only human relationship that has God's life-long protection. Parental relationships change in character at different stages of a child's life. At marriage this emotional umbilical chord must be cut.

Nowhere does the Bible require parents to meet the adult companionship or emotional needs of their children, nor should such be sought from offspring. A son leaves in order to become the head of a new decision-making unit. This may be both a sad and a happy time for parents, but such sadness is the price of future happiness for the couple.

The relationships between parents and children are established through birth (they are blood relationships). That between husband and wife is entered into by promises. Promises are thicker than blood. That is, those who God brings together in marriage, and who make vows to each other in his presence and before his people, have a stronger bond between them than they had, or ever will have, with their parents or with any other family member.

Children should never be pressurized by parents to meet their companionship or emotional needs at any stage of their lives. Our deepest needs can only be met by God. Those that can be met on a human level should be sought from our peers, where we will benefit form a truly adult-to-adult relationship with its truthfulness and admonitions, as well as its empathy.

2  Cleaving

The language of the Bible corresponds to being "superglued" together. Nothing and no one should be allowed, by either party, to come between husband and wife, whether friends, parents, children, job, ministry, or anything else. If I were to try to separate two sheets of paper that had been glued together with "superglue" both sheets would be very seriously damaged. Cleaving is about deep friendship. It is a sharing of life, love, possessions, aspirations, etc. It speaks of a permanent relationship. It should be difficult to divide a husband's and a wife's lives into "his" and "hers". Interdependence, rather than independence, should be evident in most, if not all areas of their lives. For some there may be the desire to formally reaffirm their marriage covenant of companionship by publicly renewing their vows. This may well be the case where the couple have experienced marital difficulties but have come through to a new place of loving harmony. Some churches give all their married couples the opportunity to do this by periodically arranging a special service.

3  Weaving

This is my own word for sexual and romantic intimacy! It was designed by God to be an expression of covenant love, of total commitment, of lifelong faithfulness and of sacrificial devotion. Seeking to meet my partner's need for intimacy, the satisfaction of sexual desire, comfort, tenderness, pleasure, warmth, affection, etc., is a delightful duty to perform! The lover in the Song of Songs describes his beloved as "a garden locked up … a spring enclosed … a sealed fountain" (4:12). This speaks of a totally private and exclusive relationship. Neither should talk to others about intimate details unless there is agreement to do so.

Love-making has God's blessing. Spouses should not deprive one another (1 Corinthians 7:3-5). God looks on with pleasure when he sees a married couple enjoying one another in unselfish love-making. He has devoted a whole book to it in the Bible (Song of Songs)! Sexual intercourse is essential to marriage and marriage doesn't exist without it, unless it be for health or other legitimate reasons.

The Right Doorway

Some enter marriage through the doorway of parental pressure, parental influence and even parental decision-making, i.e. arranged marriages. Others enter through the sexual doorway, by sleeping together before marriage.  (Some are even encouraged to do this by misguided parents in order to test their sexual compatibility!)  Others enter through the friendship doorway, becoming closer and closer and more and more committed to one another as their wedding day approaches.

Biblically, the latter doorway is the right one. If a couple are choosing to enter by either of the other doorways, they need to establish healthy boundaries with their parents, or repent of their sexual sins, and retreat.  If they have been living together, and as long as there are no children involved, they need then to have a period of separation. This will enable them to enter through the doorway of friendship, companionship, respect and commitment, and to do so in God's timing.

The first year of marriage is so important in God's eyes regarding setting in the right foundations, that he included the following in the Law of Moses: "If a man is recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married" (Deuteronomy 24:5). God never intended marriage to be male dominated and mainly for the benefit of men.

A CLASH OF CULTURES

The Bible says to us: "You were redeemed from the empty way handed down to you from your forefathers" (1 Peter 1:18). This applies to all areas of life, including marriage. Whatever our cultural/tribal customs may be, they no longer, automatically, apply to us. We have embraced those of God's new ethnic group to which we now belong. (The word "nation" in 1 Peter 2:9: "You are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God", translates the Greek word "ethnos".)

The world may say that the bonds of extended family and tribe are stronger than those between marriage partners, but the Bible does not agree. Our parents, relatives and other members of our natural ethnic group may want to choose our marriage partner for us, but we are no longer to see ourselves as duty bound to follow their counsel. If God leads us to seek a spouse from a tribal group that is not our own, we should resist family prejudices. God calls a husband to lay down his life for his wife and a wife to adapt herself and to submit to her husband. How can someone else decide for whom such sacrifices must be made?

Having begun to make a case against arranged marriages, I am not saying they cannot work. In fact, when both husband and wife in such a marriage work hard on the three essentials of leaving, cleaving and weaving in an unselfish and mutually respectful way, their efforts will undoubtedly be rewarded. Walter Trobisch shares the following in his great little book 'I Married You'. "An Indian once compared love with a bowl of soup and marriage with the hot plate of a stove and said: 'You Westerners put a hot bowl on a cold plate and it grows cold slowly. We put a cold bowl on a hot plate and it warms up slowly.'" Westerners often enter marriage "madly in love" but are not prepared to embrace sacrifice and their relationships are quickly terminated. Isaac and Rebekah is an example of an arranged marriage that did start well, yet never achieved the oneness which was its biblical goal.

What of the requirement for a dowry? Clearly this was the practice in Jacob's time, for Shechem, wanting to marry Jacob's daughter Dinah, said to him: "Make the price for the bride and the gift that I am to bring as great as you like" (Genesis 34:12). "The bride-price" is mentioned in the Mosaic Law in such a way as to imply its acceptance as normal practice (Exodus 22:16).

Prior to the Law, Abraham sent his servant to seek a bride for his son Isaac, sending many costly gifts with him to be distributed amongst her family. Jacob said to Laban "I'll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel" (Genesis 29:18).

However, we should also note that in OT times both the bride's father and the groom's father gave gifts to the bride. Laban gave his servant girl Zilpah to his daughter Leah as her maidservant at her marriage to Jacob (Genesis 29:24) and Abraham gave Rachel gold and silver jewellery and articles of clothing at her betrothal to Isaac (Genesis 24:53). Clearly, weddings that are occasions of great generosity please the heart of God, and one doesn't have to be rich to be generous. Poverty can provide the opportunity for some of the most beautiful expressions of sacrificial giving.

Parents do not own their children. "Every living soul belongs to me" says the Lord (Ezekiel 18:4). Surely, Christian parents should not demand a dowry for their daughters? In the case where such parents are extremely poor and the groom of some substance then some form of gift, freely given, might be appropriate. "God loves a cheerful giver" (2 Corinthians 9:7). But, it seems to me, the requirement for a dowry, often so substantial as to leave the groom with an enormous debt, is not in line with NT principles. Change always takes time. It may only be second or third-generation believers who see the need for a new approach to such issues.

The practice of parents receiving a dowry for their daughter while she is still very young and obviously ignorant of the arrangement, must surely be abandoned by believing parents as unbiblical. By the time she is of marriageable age the money would have been long spent, leaving her no choice and under intense pressure to marry.

In his very helpful book "God's New Tribe" (Hill City Publishing Ltd), John Kpikpi from Ghana writes "I would like to see the covenant nature of marriage reinforced in a simple celebration without all the expensive trappings of western clothes and food now expected. The white dress and the suit could be replaced by creative designs using African prints which are beautiful and easily affordable. We should find substitutes for the wedding cake. My understanding of the marriage ceremony is that the only essential thing on the day is the speaking of the vows one to another in the presence of the local church family and the blessing prayed upon the couple by the leaders and by the church as a whole." (Of course the presence of the extended families of both bride and groom could well be seen as essential, but their attendance is not what validates the marriage in God's eyes.) I believe myself that wedding vows should reflect the three essential ingredients of marriage so as to more clearly define what marital faithfulness actually means in its broader sense.

John Kpikpi divides this up into leaving physically (so as to establish a home at a distance from both sets of parents), leaving emotionally (so as to transfer our primary emotional allegiance to our spouse and to look to them for emotional support) and leaving spiritually (so as to look directly to God and to our church leaders regarding submission to spiritual authority). He goes on to examine ongoing relationships between the newly married couple and their extended families. "In homes where there are more than two adult persons functioning together, strange things happen. A husband may build a great relationship with his brother or cousin which increasingly excludes his wife. A wife may develop a happy camaraderie with a sister which keeps her husband on the fringes of his own home. Sometimes a husband develops a closer link with his sister-in-law than with his wife! To carry with you into the new family set-up, members of the old family on a virtually permanent basis, is to disobey Jesus' clear commands to leave. As God's new tribe we must think of new creative ways of helping and supporting other members of our extended families without compromising Jesus' teaching [of two becoming one]."

What of polygamy? Jesus said of those who are married "they are no longer two but one". God did not make a number of wives for Adam but only one. When Jesus spoke of marriage and divorce he implied that a wife had as many rights as her husband. When Paul addressed similar issues he implied the same (1 Corinthians 7:10-11). The point is this: the NT looks on marriage as a partnership of two, where each has equal rights while fulfilling different roles; equal value while carrying different responsibilities; and equally valid opinions while operating on different levels of authority. Polygamy makes nonsense of all of this. There are many examples of polygamous marriages in the OT (notably: Abraham, Jacob, David and Solomon) all of which were fraught with problems and many were disastrous.

A friend has just written to me saying: "I have been talking recently to a lady from Zimbabwe whose husband has left her for another woman in the UK. She told me his father had three wives and his grandfather eight. He thinks he is only doing what is his right as a man. He will not divorce her, of course, because she is still his first wife (even though he never visits her or supports her or her two children). This lovely Christian lady spoke of the evil of polygamy in Africa. She said there is a great need for Christians to be taught more thoroughly as to why monogamy and faithfulness matter so much. Incidentally, she is handling herself and the situation with much grace."

John Kpikpi suggests there are three ways in which a couple become one. The first is by living in the same house, rather than spending prolonged periods of time living apart for financial, work-related, or educational reasons. The second is by sharing the same money and by being joint owners of all they possess between them. This will mean, for example, that they will register, in both their names, any property either of them owns. They will not keep it a secret how much the husband, or indeed the wife, might be earning, and they will not maintain a clear distinction as to what belongs to him and what belongs to her when it comes to anything of real value. The third is by being active members of the same church, rather than each attending the church of his or her choice. It has been said that when he goes to that church, and she goes to this church, that the children go to the devil!

A WORD ON SINGLENESS

I originally chose "The Supremacy of Marriage" as the title for this book. I did so due to the ridicule and criticism levelled at it in the western world, which promotes the idea that cohabitation, without legal commitment, is superior to marriage and is more likely to last. This latter point, as well as the preceding general sentiment, is simply untrue. The proven facts are that Christian marriage is vastly more fulfilling and enriching than co-habitation and far more likely to last.

I certainly was not wishing to imply that marriage is superior to the single state. There are many singles in the church. Some are divorced; some are single parents; some would love to be married, but aren't; some are fulfilled as single people; some are likely to get married in the future.  Singleness, rightly handled, can be a tremendous blessing to the body of Christ, and afford unique opportunities of service. Those of us who are married must remember our joint responsibility towards those who are single. The following Scriptures will motivate us to do this.

"It is not good for the man [or woman] to be alone" (Genesis 2:18); "God sets the lonely in families" (Psalm 68:6); "Some decide not to get married for kingdom reasons" (Matthew 19:12 The Message); "Each man [or woman] has their own gift from God [marriage or singleness]" (1 Corinthians 7:7); "You have been given fullness [made complete] in Christ" (Colossians 2:10).

I have listed below some principles to help and guide us as married couples, and as brothers and sisters together in Christ, to fulfil our responsibilities towards the single. Some may also need surrogate parents and grandparents. We can significantly enrich the lives of the single folk amongst us …

1. By pursuing the creation and maintenance of a truly Christian community, where singles know they are of equal value with married couples and seldom feel lonely.

2.  By being more people-orientated than task-orientated and by making sure that our marriage relationships face outwards as well as inwards so as to include others whenever appropriate.

3.  By spending less time in front of the TV or computer and more time visiting the lonely and befriending the single.

4.  By taking time to listen attentively to singles when they are opening their hearts and sharing their frustrations, as well as when they speak of their dreams.

5.  By encouraging real friendships between singles, while making sure that expectations are not too high.

6.  By discouraging self-pity, self-centredness and a sense of rejection by treating those who are single with respect and including them as much as possible; all without a hint of patronage.

7. By showing understanding and by offering support regarding problems with loneliness, sexual urges, troubled emotions, feelings of inferiority, identity crises, bitterness, relationships with children, etc.

8.  By making sure there are many and varied opportunities for them to serve God within the church.

Book Assignment

1. Describe in your own words what marriage is and what marriage is not, according to the Bible.

2. In what ways will my marriage be enriched if my relationship with Jesus is deepened? Why do you think that Jesus did not model the institution of marriage?

3. How can a desire for status and social standing in my culture undermine Christian marriage?

4. What would you say to a husband or wife who says they are not willing to simply obey God's Word themselves until they see a change in their spouse's attitude?

5. Why do husbands and wives need to become each other's best friend? Try to find at least four reasons.

6. Describe the three essential components of marriage. Why is each so important?

7. A person's spouse should normally be consulted, listened to and honoured before seeking counsel from parents. What problems might this raise in your culture?

Marriage Course Assignment

As a couple, discuss the three essential components of marriage as they apply to your own marriage. Each using his or her copy of this manual, complete the following task, entering your own conclusions (and later adding those of your spouse for the record.) Discuss your findings with each other. (15 minutes)

As a husband, on a scale of 1 to 10 (where 1 indicates "extremely poor" and where 10 indicates "excellent") how would you rate the following?

1. Your relationship with your wife's parents and other members of her family _____

2. Your friendship and companionship as a married couple _____

3. Your physical relationship _____

Are you convinced that you come first in her affections and that her first loyalty is towards you?

Yes / No

Is your wife your best friend?

Yes / No

Does the amount of romancing (expressions of kindness and affection) correspond proportionately to the amount of sex?

Yes / No

As a wife, on a scale of 1 to 10 (where 1 indicates "extremely poor" and where 10 indicates "excellent") how would you rate the following?

1. Your relationship with your husband's parents and other members of his family _____

2. Your friendship and companionship as a married couple _____

3. Your physical relationship _____

Are you convinced that you come first in his affections and that his first loyalty is towards you?

Yes / No

Is your husband your best friend?

Yes / No

Does the amount of romancing (expressions of kindness and affection) correspond proportionately to the amount of sex?

Yes / No

It is generally agreed that all human beings have the following God-given emotional needs: a sense of significance, security, value and acceptance. At the deepest level, these can only be met by God. If I am plagued by a sense of feeling insignificant, insecure and rejected as a person, then it would be wrong, and lay far too much responsibility upon my spouse, to expect them to supply these needs. However, within the covenant of companionship which is Christian marriage and at an inter-personal level we should be seeking to meet one another's day-to-day emotional needs. From the following list write out in order of importance which you recognise as your four greatest companionship needs. Then repeat the exercise as though you were your spouse. Check the results out with one another. How well do you know each other? Discuss the implications of your findings for your marriage. (15 minutes)

Significance, security, value, acceptance, appreciation, encouragement, respect, affection, comfort, kindness, attention, approval, support and protection.

HUSBAND: My four greatest companionship needs:

1              ________________________

2              ________________________

3              ________________________

4              ________________________

What I imagine my wife's greatest companionship needs to be:

1              ________________________

2              ________________________

3              ________________________

4              ________________________

WIFE: My four greatest companionship needs:

1              ________________________

2              ________________________

3              ________________________

4              ________________________

What I imagine my husband's greatest companionship needs to be:

1              ________________________

2              ________________________

3              ________________________

4              ________________________

As stated, we will be revisiting most of the themes covered in this introduction in the pages that follow.  Our starting point will be with the first stirrings of interest, both of mind and body!

CHAPTER TWO

BE PREPARED

TELLING OUR CHILDREN

When do boys and girls begin to find one another attractive? My first girlfriend was Juliet.  We were both seven years old at the time and I can still remember what she was like! Others seem to be oblivious to members of the opposite sex, even into their twenties and beyond!

When and how should Christian parents begin to explain to their children the exhilarating process of a man and a woman falling in love, of getting engaged, of getting married, and of enjoying sexual intimacy? In most parts of the world even very young children are constantly exposed to a bombardment of confusing sexual messages. Surely the sooner believing parents begin to speak into these issues with their children the better?

However, it does seem best to limit the knowledge being imparted, to what needs to be clarified at the time and to what adequately answers a child's questions. When a child begins to pick up the world's values and opinions a thoroughly biblical perspective needs to be drip-fed. When a child asks embarrassing questions they need only to be answered to the child's satisfaction.

One mother thought the moment had arrived when her seven-year-old son asked her: Where did I come from, mum? She thought: Here goes!  She launched into a long and detailed description of the sexual act, with perspiration breaking out on her brow, and finally queried: What made you ask? Her son replied: Well, Peter said he had come from London and I just wondered where I had come from!

Although the Bible instructs a Christian father to teach his children (Ephesians 6:4), it might be better, in this area, for mothers to teach their daughters and for fathers to teach their sons.

The Bible seems to indicate that the most important points to be made are the following: (The language used by way of explanation will obviously depend on the age of the child concerned.)

1. That God created men and women to be able to enjoy sexual pleasure only within the exclusive, loving and committed relationship of Christian marriage.

2. That God is looking for faithfulness, kindness, unselfishness, love, and a readiness to forgive, so that, with his help, marriages will last a lifetime.

3. That making love, and enjoying sexual intercourse, is a pure and holy experience that honours the private parts of our bodies in a wholesome way.

4. That sexually provocative clothing, facial expressions, bodily gestures, dancing, etc., have no place in true discipleship outside the privacy of marriage.

What actually occurs physically needs to be described in a sensitive way, using the proper terminology where language permits (penis, vagina, etc.), so that explanations can be seen as both respectful and scientific! This is best done one-to-one in private. A child is more likely to ask questions, especially about things that frighten them, in the absence of their siblings. When, at the age of eight, "the facts of life" were explained to me by a friend, my first thought was "how terribly painful that must be!"

ADVISING OUR TEENAGERS

Teenagers (and pre-teens) also need to hear that:

1. Special boyfriend/girlfriend relationships should only be developed with other Christian young people. I am not saying that believing teenagers should avoid befriending their non-believing peers. Quite the opposite. But when it comes to romantic involvement, however superficial, fellow believers should be the focus. There will always be exceptions, but it rarely seems to be the case that the Christian teenager leads their non-Christian boyfriend/girlfriend to Christ. More often than not the latter causes the former to backslide.

2. Exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are best reserved for the years immediately preceding marriage. This is not at all easy, but with God's help it is possible. When achieved, it will not only ensure that each person will have kept themselves pure for their marriage partners, but will also have prevented others, without such relationships, from feeling second-class and excluded.

Casual romantic relationships cheapen and dilute God's wonderfully rich gift of married love. They tend to be very visible and convey a caricature and a superficial understanding of what is supposed to be the most beautiful and binding of all human relationships. Teenage disciples of Jesus have the wonderful opportunity to look out for and to befriend those of their generation who feel they are not so likely to be "lucky in love".

3. Lingering kisses and heavy petting (caressing of sexual organs) needs to be seen as foreplay to full sexual intercourse, which should only occur after a couple is married. Contrary to what the world believes, couples do not need to experience sexual compatibility before marriage to ensure a good relationship. In fact, the reverse holds true. Those experienced sexually before marriage often encounter problems in this area once married. This may show itself in a variety of ways. There may be unrealistic expectations and unfavourable comparisons made with former partners. There may even be the extremes of one spouse being obsessed with sex while the other is indifferent to it, or even repulsed by it.

4. Young men honour God when they honour members of the opposite sex. In marriage God will expect them to sacrifice themselves for their wives. The teenage years are a great time to learn to show respect to all. Young women honour God when they build genuine friendships with clear boundaries in place. In marriage God will expect them to build deep, kind and respectful friendships with their husbands.  (We will unpack this very important principle in more detail in the following pages.)

5. Pornography (including what might be termed "soft porn" and the "dry sex" of intimate and provocative dancing) should be avoided at all costs, whether viewed in magazines, books, films, or on the Internet or as promoted in night clubs.  Again, this is not likely to be easy, but, by making the firm commitment of David: "I will set before my eyes no vile thing" (Psalm 101:3), we can be enabled by God's powerful support to overcome the temptation. We need to encourage teenagers to avoid exposing themselves to such powerful enticements, to be especially vigilant in this area and to develop self-control. Those given to pornography in their youth are allowing the devil to construct a powerful stronghold that will be difficult to demolish later in life.

Masturbation is not specifically forbidden in the Bible, but its practice, along with compulsive fantasizing about imaginary sexual acts and pornographic images, often leaves the person guilt-ridden. It can simply be part of the self-discovery of childhood and adolescence, but it can go on to be an addiction that needs to be broken.

For the teenager, it might best be seen as something to master and to grow out of, rather than as something evil in and of itself. Most adolescent boys experience "wet dreams" which is where a spontaneous ejaculation takes place. Again this can be seen as part of growing into adulthood. What needs to be avoided is filling one's mind with erotic images as one drifts into sleep, in order to promote the possibility of a "wet dream". We seem to be especially vulnerable to the enemy while asleep and many need to make it a matter of specific prayer to have wholesome dreams and to be protected from nightmares.

HANDLING COURTSHIP PROBLEMS

It is surely better to encourage our teens not to begin an exclusive romantic relationship with a member of the opposite sex, until they are pretty sure that person will become their future spouse. It seems that courtship, including betrothal or engagement, is probably best limited to a period of about 18 months, with a marriage date being fixed for within the following 12 months.

What are the problems that revolve around courtship?

1. Wanting to get married too much; being desperate, and turning a blind eye to major problems in the relationship that are obvious to others (like character flaws, spiritual lukewarmness, incompatibility, etc).

2. Being too spiritual about the whole issue of courtship and marriage while ignoring the need for romantic and sexual chemistry.

3. Being preoccupied with sex and going too far too soon. Not giving sufficient time and effort to developing friendship.

4. A lack of mutual respect. (I will not be able to sacrifice my life for (or submit my life to) someone I cannot respect.)

5.Being too intense; expecting too much from the person and from the relationship; wanting the perfect wife or husband.

6. Being too exclusive in the relationship and effectively cutting off the other person from those close to them.

7. Being over possessive and controlling; not allowing the other person to truly be themselves; not accepting them as they are, but wishing to change or dominate them. (Each person belongs to God. The relationship should be free from all manipulation, domination and control.)

8. Being in too much of a rush, though undue delay is not helpful either. (I need to let God bring me to a place of peace.)

9. Being too concerned about looks. (Marriage is for life and looks change. True love sees the spouse as beautiful or handsome whatever the opinion of others.)

10. A lack of real communication and openness; not really listening to understand the other person's feelings.

11. The relationship not being one of adult-to-adult, but parent-to-child. (This indicates a lack of respect and a failure to accept the other person's limitations.)

12. Not establishing boundaries (limits which clarify what is, and what is not, acceptable behaviour); not showing respect for the other person's boundaries.

13. Not accepting the leadership role, or not submitting to the leadership role; being too heavy-handed in this area. There being a lack of appropriate sacrifice and submission in the relationship.

14. Saying too much too soon, thereby building false expectations, or saying too little too late and leaving the other person in doubt about the depth of commitment.

15. Having no outside accountability – parental or pastoral; spending too much time together with no others present.

16. Having a secret addiction to pornography and masturbation; flirting with others; fantasizing. (Even when the latter only involves the person I intend to marry it is sinful before the marriage takes place.)

17. Not recognizing the need to evaluate love that springs from the mind (assessing objectively and with appreciation each others qualities and the question of compatibility); the will (choosing freely and willingly to express sacrificial love and mutual submission, to show forbearance and to overlook shortcomings); and from the emotions (the chemistry of being "in love" with heart pounding and knees turning to jelly!)

18. Uncertainty. (Do I really want to get married – always for life – to this person? Do I have assurance in my heart that this is God's will for me and the best for both of us? Am I simply afraid of making a life-long commitment?)

In order to help young couples to work through some of these issues as part of marriage preparation, I came up with the following questions. To my surprise I have also found them very effective in dealing with marriage breakdown. In one case, a couple who were just about to separate, took several evenings over a period of about three weeks to go through them in detail and the process saved their marriage! They were able to pin-point their areas of difficulty and to deal with them.

QUESTIONING OUR MARRIAGE HOPEFULS

Young people, contemplating marriage, have often asked me: How can I be sure this relationship is of God? I believe that God draws people together, but how can I know whether I should marry this person or not?

These are very good questions and tremendously important. When Jesus talked of the permanence of the marriage relationship, his disciples said to him: "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry" (Matthew 19:10). His reply made it clear that it would not be at all easy to live up to his teaching on marriage, or to live the single life, unless enabled to do so by God. Each requires God's call and God's gift.

It is certainly better not to marry than to be married to the wrong person. Some have turned their backs on God's call in order to marry. Some have severely restricted the use of their spiritual gifts, and their involvement in building the church and extending the kingdom, through marrying a lukewarm Christian. Others have married non-believers or false-believers and found their lives almost unbearable. Some have been side-lined by the enemy from full participation in the purposes of God. (There are many Scriptures prohibiting believers from marrying non-believers. For example: Deuteronomy 7:3; 1 Corinthians 7:39; 2 Corinthians 6:14-16.) For all these reasons it is well worth taking the time to study what follows. God may also be asking the individual concerned to be patient and to wait for the person of God's choice.

What follows are the questions I would ask a woman to ask herself regarding a possible marriage partner.

The idea is not for her to make sure she has found the ideal mate! No one is perfect. The questions are designed to make her think through the issues raised and to ask herself related questions. For example, the question "Do I greatly respect him as a person?" might lead to questions like: "What is it I respect about him?" "Are there areas of his life I find hard to respect?" Where the answers to any of the questions set out below are negative, she needs to consider whether she feels God's grace would be sufficient for her if married to this person. Would she be able to keep herself free from resentment and to accept him as he is? Marriage will not change him. Only God can do that.

1. Does he truly love Jesus? Would he remain loyal to Jesus even if I were to seriously backslide and try to influence him away from God and the church? Does God come first in his life? Do we both share the same radical faith with regard to finances; serving God full-time if called to do so; true discipleship (dying to self, etc.)? Is there evidence of godly repentance concerning previous relationships that were not right? Are the fruits of repentance obvious? Is he a man who understands and demonstrates the grace of God?

2. Do I greatly respect him as a person? Do I admire his character? Is he strong enough to withstand outside pressure exerted against our marriage? Will he truly sacrifice himself for me and put me before his own interests and before those of all other family members?

3. Is he someone to whom I will gladly submit and adapt my life and dreams? Does he know where he is going in life? Does his life have a sense of direction and destiny? Is he a leader, who will lead me and our family into the perfect will of God for our lives? Is there any possibility that I would have to become the leader of our family? Will he carry the responsibilities of our marriage? Will it be a privilege to have him as the father of my children?

4. Is he someone with a history of violence towards other men, women or children? Has there been any inappropriate behaviour with members of the same sex or with children? Has he ever been violent towards me? Do I feel dominated in any way by the sheer weight of his personality? Is he manipulative or controlling? Is he mentally stable? Is there a history of anything like manic depression, if so, is God still leading me to marry him?

5. Do I greatly love him as a person? Is the chemistry right? Does my heart pound when I think about him or when he comes into the room? Are there things about him that already irritate me? Do I love everything about him? Are there personality or character traits that annoy me or make me sad?  Do I already hold anything against him?

6. Would getting married be a step of faith, that is, am I totally certain that such a step would be the perfect will of God for us as a couple? Did God bring us together? "Whatever is done without a conviction of its approval by God is sinful" (Romans 14:23).

7.Is this marriage being forced upon me in any way? Am I getting married because there is a child involved? (Marriage should not be entered into simply because a child has been conceived or born to the couple. God wants what is best for all concerned and that may not be marriage.) Am I getting married partly because I don't want to lose face, let others down, or simply because I want to enjoy the experience of the day, being the beautiful bride and centre of attention?

8. Do we equally, freely and enthusiastically share with each other our dreams and aspirations for the future – our diverse opinions, ideas and heart convictions? Do we communicate openly about all aspects of life? Are our hearts truly open to one another? Do we tell each other what we are doing and where we are going? Do we have secrets we are unwilling to share, or afraid to share?

9. Is he the one I want to spend my whole life with? Are we both willing to share with each other all we are, and all we have, in joint-ownership (bank accounts, valuables, properties, inheritances, etc.)? After the children have grown up and left home do I sincerely believe that, in our marriage, things would only get better?

10. Is there agreement between my head, my heart and my will over this decision? Do my emotional feelings, my rational conclusions about our compatibility (whether this is going to work or not) and my will (what I truly want to do and I'm ready to commit myself to, having counted the cost) all point in the same direction?

11. Will we enjoy an "equal" relationship, being fully satisfied emotionally, intellectually, sexually, etc.? Will we always honour, esteem and look up to one another? Is our relationship adult-to-adult or more like parent-to-child?

12. Do I fully trust him? Do I fully accept and love him as he is? Are there things I would like to change in him, or do I love everything about him?  Am I marrying him with the illusion that I need to (and will be able to) change him for the better? (Only God can change a person, and only with that person's cooperation.)

13. Am I certain that I will take first place in his life, above career, parents, friends, even our own children? Will he defend me and protect me if attacked or undermined by his parents, friends or even by our own children? If it came to the crunch, would he really choose me above his parents and our children?

14. Am I convinced that the heart of marriage is mutual love and respect expressed in a covenant of friendship, romance and companionship? Am I certain that after we are married we will not live separate lives, but include one another in all we do; sharing the same friends, etc.?

15. Am I convinced that God made the woman to be a helper to her husband and that he might require me to sacrifice my career for the sake of our marriage or family? Am I happily willing for this? Am I really willing to adapt my life to his?

16. Am I convinced that God has given the man the responsibility to treasure and protect his wife and to do all he can to help her to fulfil her dreams and to reach her full potential as a person? Will he be willing to die to self that I might live? Does he recognise that his headship of the family is one of sacrifice and humble service?

17. Do I accept that God made the first woman to complete the man he had already made, so that only together could they reflect the true image of God and represent him? Do I accept marriage as permanent (other than where there is persistent marital unfaithfulness) and that I will need to work at the marriage, dying to self, forgiving and always showing forbearance (patience, understanding and tolerance)?

18. Do we both believe that sexual intercourse is only for marriage? (If a woman seduces a man in order to get pregnant and to trap him into a marriage, this, on its own, provides no real basis for it.) Is he a man's man? Are there any indications of a tendency towards homosexuality? Is he a virgin? If not, is he truly repentant about this? Is there any evidence of a desire for what I would consider deviant or abnormal sexual activity within marriage? (See Chapter 9 "Where boundaries need to be set".) On the other hand, is he a prude? Has he been sexually abused in a way that has left him with a fear of inadequacy concerning sexual activity within marriage?

19. Do we both understand that just as celibacy is a gift of God for specific people, so too is marriage (1 Corinthians 7:7)? Will we rely on the grace of God, as well as working hard ourselves, to make our marriage a success? Are we ready and willing to meet one another's marital needs: affection, tenderness, companionship, transparency, sharing, communicating, dedication and commitment to the family, the provision of money and housing, the creation of a peaceful, ordered and welcoming home, admiration, appreciation, care over personal hygiene, mutual respect, care over appearance, sexual satisfaction, etc., etc.?

20. Does our relationship fill me with life and vitality? Does he lift my spirits and fill me with hope? Does our relationship build me up and bring me joy? Or does our relationship drain me and leave me with doubts rather than certainties? Do my spirits rise when he comes into the room?  Is he comfortingly predictably and virtually always positive and cheerful?   If not, do I love him enough to live without these things? Am I ready and able to be strong enough for the two of us when necessary? Is this what God really wants for me? Is this what I really want for my life? Marriage is for life. Do I see myself as his rescuer? Only God can be that.

21. Are we in agreement about having children? How many would we each prefer to have? Would we both be happy to adopt children if unable to have our own?

Is he looking forward to becoming a father? Would he make a good one? Does he love children? Would I be sufficiently confident to trust him with the overall responsibility of raising and disciplining them? Are we both willing to delay starting a family if necessary?

What follows are the questions I would ask a man to ask himself regarding a possible marriage partner.

As with the woman, the idea is not for him to make sure he has found the ideal mate! No one is perfect. The questions are designed to help him think through the issues raised and to ask himself related questions. For example, the question "Is she someone for whom I will gladly make sacrifices?" might lead to questions like: "Would I be willing to forgo an educational opportunity in order to stay with her?" "Would I change careers and move home for her?" "Would I be ready to look after her in sickness or following a serious road accident?" Where the answers to any of the questions set out below are negative he needs to consider whether he feels God's grace would be sufficient for him if married to this person. Would he be able to keep himself free from resentment and to accept her as she is? Marriage will not change her. Only God can do that.

1. Does she truly love Jesus? Would she remain loyal to Jesus even if I were to seriously backslide and try to influence her away from God and the church? Does God come first in her life? Do we both share the same radical faith with regard to finances; serving God full-time if called to do so; true discipleship, etc.? Is there evidence of godly repentance concerning previous relationships that were not right? Are the fruits of repentance obvious? Is she a woman who understands and demonstrates the grace of God?

2. Do I greatly respect her as a person? Do I admire her character?  Is she strong enough to withstand outside pressure exerted against our marriage? Will she truly submit to me and adapt herself to me?

3. Is she someone for whom I will gladly make sacrifices and put before my own interests? Will it be a privilege to have her as the mother of my children? Do I know that she will submit to me when it comes to the direction our lives should take? Will she ever try to usurp my authority and take my place as the leader of our family?

4. Is she someone with a history of violence towards other women, men or children? Has there been any inappropriate behaviour with members of the same sex or with children? Has she ever been violent towards me? Do I feel dominated in any way by the sheer weight of her personality? Is she manipulative or controlling? Is she mentally stable? Is there a history of anything like manic depression, if so, is God still leading me to marry her?

5. Do I greatly love her as a person? Is the chemistry right? Does my heart pound thinking about her or when she comes into the room? Are there things about her that already irritate me? Do I love everything about her? Are there personality or character traits that annoy me or make me sad? Do I already hold anything against her?

6. Would getting married be a step of faith, that is, am I totally certain that such a step would be the perfect will of God for us as a couple? Did God bring us together?

7. Is this marriage being forced upon me in any way? Am I getting married because there is a child on the way? Am I getting married partly because I don't want to lose face or to let others down? Am I only going through with the marriage because if I backed out now I would be acting against my cultural responsibility, having already declared my original intensions to her family?

8. Do we equally, freely and enthusiastically share with each other our dreams and aspirations for the future – our diverse opinions, ideas and heart convictions? Do we communicate openly with each other about all aspects of life? Are our hearts truly open to one another? Do we tell each other what we are doing and where we are going? Do we have secrets we are unwilling or afraid to share?

9. Is she the one I want to spend my whole life with? Are we both willing to share with each other all we are, and all we have, in joint-ownership (bank accounts, valuables, properties, inheritances, etc.)? After the children have grown up and left home do I sincerely believe that, in our marriage, things would only get better?

10. Is there agreement between my head, my heart and my will over this decision? Do my emotional feelings, my rational conclusions about our compatibility (whether this is going to work or not) and my will (what I truly want to do and I'm ready to commit myself to, having counted the cost) all point in the same direction?

11. Will we enjoy an "equal" relationship, being fully satisfied emotionally, intellectually, sexually, etc.? Will we always honour, esteem and look up to one another? Is our relationship adult-to-adult or more like parent-to-child?

12. Do I fully trust her? Do I fully accept and love her as she is? Are there things I would like to change in her, or do I love everything about her?  Am I marrying her with the illusion that I need to (and will be able to) change her for the better? (Only God can change a person, and only with that person's cooperation.)

13. Am I certain that I will take first place in her life, above parents, friends, children, career, etc? Will she defend me and protect me if attacked or undermined by her parents? If it came to the crunch, would she choose me above her parents and even our own children?

14. Am I convinced that the heart of marriage is mutual love and respect expressed in a covenant of friendship, romance and companionship? Am I certain that after we are married we will not live separate lives, but include one another in all we do; sharing the same friends, etc?

15.  Am I convinced that although God made the woman to be a helper to her husband that he might require me to make sacrifices so that she can pursue a career, if this proves to be God's will for us as a couple?

16. Am I convinced that God has given the man the responsibility to treasure and protect his wife and to do all he can to help her to fulfil her dreams and to reach her full potential as a person? Am I willing to die that she might live? Do I recognise that my headship of the family is one of sacrifice and humble service?

17. Do I accept that God made the first woman to complete the man he had already made so that only together could they reflect the true image of God and represent him? Do I accept marriage as permanent (other than where there is persistent marital unfaithfulness) and that I will need to work at the marriage, dying to self, forgiving and always showing forbearance (patience, understanding and tolerance)?

18. Do we both believe that sexual intercourse is only for marriage? (When a man expects a proof of his fiancé's love for him by agreeing to having sex before marriage, he is, in fact, declaring that he has no real respect or true love for her.) Is she loved and admired by her female friends? Are there any indications of a tendency towards homosexuality? Is she a virgin? If not, is she truly repentant about this? Is there any evidence of a desire for what I would consider deviant or abnormal sexual activity within marriage? (See Chapter 9 "Where boundaries need to be set".) On the other hand, is she a prude? Has she been sexually abused in a way that has left her with a feeling of disgust and loathing towards sexual activity, or perhaps simple indifference?

19. Do we both understand that just as celibacy is a gift of God for specific people, so too is marriage (1 Corinthians 7:7)? Will we rely on the grace of God as well as working hard to make our marriage a success?  Are we ready and willing to meet one another's marital needs: affection, tenderness, company, transparency, sharing, communicating, dedication and commitment to the family, the provision of money and a home, the creation of a peaceful, ordered and welcoming home, admiration, appreciation, care over personal hygiene, mutual respect, care over appearance, sexual satisfaction, etc.?

20.  Does our relationship fill me with life and vitality? Does she lift my spirits and fill me with hope? Does our relationship build me up and bring me joy? Or does our relationship drain me and leave me with doubts rather than certainties? Do my spirits rise when she comes into the room? Is she comfortingly predictably and virtually always positive and cheerful? If not, do I love her enough to live without these things? Am I ready and able to be strong enough for the two of us when necessary? Is this what God really wants for me? Is this what I really want for my life? Do I see myself as her rescuer? Only God can be that.

21. Are we in agreement about having children? How many would we each prefer to have? Would we both be happy to adopt children if unable to have our own? Is she looking forward to becoming a mother? Would she make a good one? Does she love children? Would she be sufficiently confident to trust me with the overall responsibility of raising and disciplining them? Are we both willing to delay starting a family if necessary?

OVERCOMING SEXUAL TEMPTATION

Engaged or betrothed Christian couples preparing for marriage have to answer the question: Where should we draw the line regarding sexual intimacy? How far is it right to go in physical expressions of love before our wedding, given that we are committed to keeping ourselves from full sexual unity?

Maggie Ellis, writing in the magazine "Christianity" (July, 2007), suggests asking another question: "If we broke up before we married, would either of us regret the level of intimacy we had grown into?" In her view, going too far would include "anything that creates that explosive and intimate sense of intertwining and full giving of two bodies and souls; being naked together, because it gives away everything of your physical body; either party having an orgasm when together, which makes genital caressing off limits; and anything which does not honour each other and God, and which is impure" (i.e. anything that offends conscience or contravenes biblical directives or principles).

The engagement or betrothal stage really does need to be a trial period so that both parties can reach a greater level of certainty as to whether their marriage is the will of God or not, and as to their willingness to make a life-long commitment to one another. This should not include experimentation regarding sexual compatibility, but surely can involve a certain level of intimacy as the wedding approaches, all within the parameters set out above. Each couple should make it a matter of serious prayer and keep their engagement relatively short once they are certain of marriage. (As suggested earlier, perhaps 18 months maximum is a reasonable guide?) Through self-control and the power of the Holy Spirit, coupled with the support of a mature Christian couple, sexual purity can and should be maintained.

If a couple know they have gone too far, they need to get before God together, repent and redefine their boundaries, at the same time making themselves accountable to those they trust. The obvious needs to be stated: try to avoid situations where you are alone as a couple in circumstances where romance and sexual activity is being stimulated and where the opportunity is tantalisingly present.

The issue in African culture would probably have more to do with how the couple relate after the prospective groom has declared his intentions to the bride's family and has received their acceptance and their blessing. At this stage they may already be considered married, both culturally, as far as their families are concerned, and legally, in the eyes of the governing authorities – even more so if the bride-price had been paid.

What should happen concerning a Christian couple who are thus betrothed but then conclude before their wedding day and without having slept together, that their marriage is not the will of God? Should they be supported in their decision to separate or should cultural conventions prevail? Surely within the Christian community grace should be extended towards them and help and support provided to make peace with the disappointed families?

I have already stated my belief that marriage should not be entered into simply because a child has been conceived or born to the couple. God wants what is best for all concerned and that may not be marriage. I reached this conclusion after having to deal such a situation involving a very young Christian couple. However, in the majority of cases, marriage should certainly be encouraged.

In the UK there are social services, a national health service and many support groups. This is not the case in most African countries so a single mother is extremely vulnerable. She may be shunned by the majority, but there should be no reason for her to believe that there are no Christian men who would be happy to marry her, be a real husband to her, and to provide her child with a father. Grace and compassion need to be the main characteristics of every church, and especially in evidence when dealing with such cases.

(As you come to the next section, resist the temptation to skip it because you are happily married and can see no problems that need addressing. Your spouse may not agree! It contains material essential to a marriage that pleases God and also brings some cultural challenges.)

PREPARING OUR REMARRIAGE HOPEFULS

It will be gathered by my inclusion of this section that, as a pastor, I am happy to marry divorcees under certain circumstances. Every case needs to be examined on its own merits, but I do not believe the Bible prohibits divorce and remarriage in all cases. (I am in the process of completing a separate title in this series dealing with the question of divorce.)

When one or both parties to a proposed marriage are divorcees, I first get them to complete the following assignment. Depending on their answers to the questions and their responses to one another, a decision would then be taken as to whether or not more marriage preparation sessions might be needed. (This assignment can be adapted and used where one party is a widow or widower. In such cases the objective would be to identify any areas of marital weakness that would threaten their future happiness.)

(Before getting into this, could I make an impassioned appeal to my African brothers and sisters? It seems to me that married men in Africa are far more likely, in public, to flirt, hold hands with, and generally have fun with other women, than they are with their own wives. And the latter would have it no other way! These tell me they do not want to appear to their colleagues as being too keen to receive their husbands' romantic attentions. If culture frowns on all outward signs of affection in public between men and women, that might be understandable, but where one type is acceptable and the other is not, then surely there is a case for Christian marriage principles to override cultural conventions? Christian men in all cultures should see flirting as marital unfaithfulness, but may they not also make it clear, through low key outward signs of affection, special respect and obvious love and esteem, that they are proud to be married to their precious wives? And could these not be more concerned to please God than they are to avoid the criticism of their peers?)

These are the questions I would ask a man to ask himself when considering remarriage:

No spouse is ever 100% to blame for marriage break-up, as no one is the perfect spouse. In which of the following twelve areas would you feel you might have contributed to your divorce? Give yourself a score, relative to your previous marriage, on a scale of zero to five, where zero means you feel you failed miserably, for whatever reason, and where five means you feel you really did give it your best shot. (Mark yourself on the first general statement rather than on one or other of those given by way of clarification.)

1 Romancing my wife.  (For example: giving her gifts and may be flowers if living in the West; telling her frequently that I love her; phoning her to see how she is; writing her love notes; taking her away for a few days or inviting her to accompany me on a trip I am taking; giving her delightful surprises; making "mad passionate love" to her with tenderness and consideration.)

0     1     2     3     4     5

2 Knowing my wife.  (Knowing for example: what makes her tick; what expressions of love most touch her heart; what her clothes sizes are or what would fit her; what she really appreciates me doing for her; what would be her choice of food; what she most likes to do as a treat.)     0     1     2     3     4     5

3 Demonstrating agape love.  (Being unselfish, kind and compassionate when she is irritable and grumpy; making sacrifices for her; laying down my life for her; loving her, as she is, with unconditional love, no matter how I might be feeling and she might be behaving; protecting her, trusting her, persevering in my expressions of love for her, never losing hope.)

0     1     2     3     4     5

4 Meeting my wife's most important marital needs.

- Kindness, affection, being treasured, tenderness, consideration

- Companionship, conversation, communication

- Openness, transparency, honesty

- My involvement with, and my commitment to, our nuclear family

- A home, financial security, care for the children

- Helping to keep the home in order

- Being well groomed; taking care of my appearance

0     1     2     3     4     5

5 Being a leader.  (Accepting and fulfilling my responsibility to take the lead and to be the head; knowing who I am in Christ and what are God's purposes for my life; including my wife in my calling; inspiring and motivating my wife to be my companion in God's purposes for us.)

0     1     2     3     4     5

6 Playing my part in bringing glory to God through my marriage.  (Making it a true reflection of the relationship between Christ and his church.)

0     1     2     3     4     5

7 Setting my wife an example in discipleship.  (Taking up my cross daily; denying self and following Jesus; keeping short accounts with God and others; not keeping a record of wrongs; thinking and speaking the best concerning others; trusting God in difficulties.)

0     1     2     3     4     5

8 Being an encouragement to my wife.  (Not being critical and judgemental of her; not putting her down or humiliating her privately or publicly; being the first to apologize.)

0     1     2     3     4     5

9 Being an initiator and not merely an observer or a reactor.  (Taking the lead; planning ahead; setting the tone in the home by cheerfulness, kindness, compassion, and patience; giving my wife something positive to respond to.)

0     1     2     3     4     5

10 Treating her as a precious treasure and a gift from God. (Making it my goal to be a blessing to her; seeing our marriage in the light of eternity; having no regrets before God for the way I have been as a husband.)

0     1     2     3     4     5

11 Putting her first before our children and my parents.  (Knowing that I am a husband first and a father second; esteeming and respecting her; defending her if criticised by my parents.)

0     1     2     3     4     5

12 Giving her time.  (For example: being a good listener; stopping what I am doing and giving her my full attention; making sure we have a regular weekly "timeout" together; going for walks; in the West having coffee out or a meal together in her favourite restaurant; in Africa perhaps cooking a meal for her and serving it to her.)

0     1     2     3     4     5

Share your conclusions with your future wife.  Discuss the issues together.  Own up to, and talk over, any negative attitudes that you are in danger of carrying over into your new relationship.  Talk through any areas of doubt, or the fear of future failure.

These are the questions I would ask a woman to ask herself when considering remarriage:

No spouse is ever 100% to blame for marriage break-up, as no one is the perfect spouse. In which of the following twelve areas would you feel you might have contributed to your divorce?  Give yourself a score, relative to your previous marriage, on a scale of zero to five, where zero means you feel you failed miserably, for whatever reason, and where five means you feel you really did give it your best shot.  (Mark yourself on the first general statement rather than on one or other of those given by way of clarification.)

1 Taking care over my appearance.  (Looking my best and most feminine for him; wearing feminine clothing whenever I can; having my hair how he likes it; using perfume and wearing tasteful jewellery if affordable; seeking to please him in how I dress and present myself; doing my best to make him feel proud to be seen with me.)

0     1     2     3     4     5

2 Knowing my husband.  (Knowing for example: what makes him tick; what expressions of love most touch his heart; what he really appreciates me doing for him; what his favourite meals are; what hobbies and activities he most enjoys.)

0     1     2     3     4     5

3 Demonstrating philia love.  (The love of true friendship: fondness, devotion, loyalty, companionship, warmth, acceptance, respect, careful treatment; accepting him and never judging him; treating him as I would my very best friend, or a beloved son, daughter, mother or father; showing real affection; having a sincere desire for his good; being the one he can always count on.)

0     1     2     3     4     5

4  Meeting my husband's most important marital needs.

- Sexual fulfilment, availability, active participation

- Looking as attractive as I can for him

- Admiration for him and appreciation for a job well done

- Providing a peaceful, cheerful and orderly home

- Sharing common recreational interests with him

- Being his closest friend and treating him as such

- Always showing him respect

0     1     2     3     4     5

5 Accepting my role as his helper.  (Being willing to adapt myself and my life to his; devolving any leadership responsibilities I have assumed; being in true heart submission to him; guarding my heart against a critical and judgemental attitude towards him.)

0     1     2     3     4     5

6 Playing my part in bringing glory to God through my marriage.  (Making it a true reflection of the relationship between Christ and his church.)

0     1     2     3     4     5

7 Setting him an example.  (Winning him without words; showing him respect; living a life of purity, faithfulness and reverence for God; having a gentle and quiet spirit.)

0     1     2     3     4     5

8 Being an encouragement to my husband.  (Not being critical and judgemental of him; not putting him down or humiliating him privately or publicly; being quick to affirm him, defend him and show appreciation of him; accepting him as he is and giving him my approval.)     0     1     2     3     4     5

9 Being well organised in my life, home and family.  (Being a good homemaker; working to produce a peaceful, orderly atmosphere in the home; being wise and accountable in my use of money.)

0     1     2     3     4     5

10 Treating him as a gift from God.  (Making it my goal to be a blessing to him; seeing our marriage in the light of eternity; having very few regrets before God for the way I have been as a wife.)

0     1     2     3     4     5

11 Putting him first before our children and my parents in all normal circumstances.  (Knowing that I am a wife first and a mother second; esteeming and respecting him.)

0     1     2     3     4     5

12 Accepting myself as I am.  (Being at peace with myself and cultivating healthy self-esteem; being free and unselfconscious so as to give him warm sexual love, without doubting or rejecting his romantic and sexual advances.)

0     1     2     3     4     5

Share your conclusions with your future husband. Discuss the issues together. Own up to, and talk over, any negative attitudes that you are in danger of carrying over into your new relationship. Talk through any areas of doubt, or the fear of future failure.

Book Assignment

1. When and how did you learn about sex? What was your reaction? If your parents taught you, how did you feel at the time? How do you think children should be introduced to this subject?

2. In your opinion, what is the best way to guide and help teenagers to cross the turbulent sea of accelerated sexual appetite, peer pressure, relationship development, finding their identity and discovering their life's calling and marriage partner? What was your own experience like?

3. Which of the courtship problems did you experience yourself? Which have you found to be the most common today? What solutions can you think of?

4. In your own cultural setting, which questions being put to marriage hopefuls, and which issues raised in the section on preparing divorcees for remarriage, did you find the most challenging? Why is this? Identify where a clash of cultures exists between your own and the clear teaching of the Bible.

5. Many church leaders will not remarry divorcees. Do you agree or disagree with their stance? Can you make a convincing case for your own position that takes into account the whole of biblical revelation?

Marriage Course Assignment

It is essential from time to time (perhaps once a year) for both husband and wife to reflect on the health of their marriage.  Set aside some quality time (uninterrupted and unhurried) to go through the above divorcees' assignment with your spouse.  Give yourself a score, where zero means you are failing miserably (in your own eyes), and where five means you are truly doing your best (again in your own opinion).  After you have each done this, share your findings and see if you agree with the conclusions reached.  Spend time making a start on this now. (20 minutes)

HUSBAND: These are three steps I intend to take to improve our relationship:

1              __________________________

2              __________________________

3              __________________________

(Share them with your spouse and discuss them together.)

WIFE: These are three steps I intend to take to improve our relationship:

1              __________________________

2              __________________________

3              __________________________

(Share them with your spouse and discuss them together

CHAPTER THREE

AS IT WAS IN THE BEGINNING

Let's now take a look at the Scriptures that justify the questions we were asking in the last chapter, recognizing that marriage, as depicted in God's Word, is only possible for those empowered by the Holy Spirit. This will become evident soon enough! We will start at the very beginning.

THE COMPLETE IMAGE OF GOD

"Then God said, 'Let us make man [humankind] in our image, in our likeness … ' So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them" (Genesis 1:26, 27).  "When God created man, he made him in the likeness of God. He created them male and female and blessed them" (Genesis 5:1, 2). "Now the Lord God said, it is not good [sufficient, satisfactory] that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper meet [suitable, adapted, completing] for him" (Genesis 2:18 Amp).

To be made in the image of God means to belong to him, to be of immense value, to be like him and to represent him on the earth. It refers to something a human being is rather than something a human being has or does. It means being capable of meaningfully interacting with God and with other people, of thinking and reflecting, and being free to make choices. Certain aspects of the image of God are best seen in a man and others are best seen in a woman.

The mother-heart of God can be seen in the following Scriptures: "the God who gave you birth" (Deuteronomy 32:18); "though she [a mother] may forget [the child she has borne] I will not forget you" (Isaiah 49:15); the parable of the lost coin, where a woman seeks it (Luke 15:8-10); the words of Jesus: "how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing" (Matthew 23:37). However, throughout the Bible, God is overwhelmingly spoken of in male and fatherly terms.

Nowhere is being like God, and representing him, more important for a married couple than in the home, where they have been commissioned by God to portray the true father and mother heart of the Creator to their children. Surely, the two most crucial overarching responsibilities which have been given to parents by God are the following:

1. To accept each of their children exactly as they are: recognizing and communicating to them their immense value and significance; loving them profoundly and unconditionally; and providing security and protection for them physically, emotionally and spiritually.

2. To help each of them to discover who they really are and for what purpose God has made them. I am referring to the uniqueness of their personality; their individual passion and gifting; the special contribution God wants them to make in order to build others up, and to bless them. (God willing, I will be covering parenting in much more detail in a separate book.)

JOINT LEADERSHIP

"'… and let them rule [have dominion, complete authority] over … all the earth …' God blessed them and said to them, 'Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it [bring it into subjection]. Rule over … every living creature …'" (Genesis 1:26-28).

"You [O Lord] made him [humankind, male and female] a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honour. You made him ruler over the works of your hands; you put everything under his feet …" (Psalm 8:4-8).

The responsibility to rule over the whole earth, given to both men and women, is a direct consequence of their being made in God’s image. Indeed, this was the very purpose God had in mind for them when he made them in his own image. Genesis 1 states the principle of joint leadership, whereas Genesis 2 indicates how this is to be ordered, with the man being held responsible by God, and the woman expected to respectfully submit to his authority. This will become clearer as we look at the fall.

COMPLEMENTARY ROLES

"The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it [tend, guard, keep it] … The Lord God said: 'It is not good [sufficient, satisfactory] for the man to be alone.  I will make a helper suitable for him [adapted to him; completing him; corresponding to him; equal to him; a co-worker with him: an enabler]'" (Genesis 2:15, 18). In English usage, a helper is often thought of as an assistant; someone standing by who could be called upon if necessary; someone without a specific personal role. In contrast, the Bible has something much more noble and crucial in mind when describing a wife in this way. She is one who is essential to her husband and without whom he could not function properly within the marriage relationship. Where the word "help" or "helper" is used of God, it refers to One who fathers us; provides for us; is the stronghold of our life; gives us victory in battle; will never leave us or forsake us; gives us peace and removes our fears. Clearly the wife's role as her husband's helper is meant to be a truly significant and indispensable one.

The outworking of their ruling together is that the man is entrusted with the task and the woman is given to him as his essential helper. She is brought to him as a precious gift, perfectly fashioned to correspond to him, and is accepted by him as meeting his need, prompting him to burst into a song of thanksgiving! This is the general principle, but it does not mean that a wife should not be encouraged to pursue a career, if desired and appropriate, but rather that she should not see this as a "right" and something she can do independently from her husband, regardless of her family's needs.

God gave the first man a job to do. He put him to work, giving him the responsibility to tend, care for and keep the garden that he had planted in Eden, known as "The Garden of the Lord". There were shrubs and fruit trees. He was to till the land and plant crops. There were animals – cattle and beasts of the field. Adam's job could be seen as the management, and development, of an extensive and varied agricultural project. He would have had much on his mind besides his wife! His danger would be to neglect her. Her danger would be to become judgemental and critical of him, out of a feeling of being neglected. God made the woman to be a helper and a companion for the man in his work. His focus would be his work, his vocation; not his wife. But her focus would be her husband; not her work or his work. He was given the task to lead and to protect. She was expected to support him and to submit to his leadership.

After the fall, in which he failed to take the lead and to protect his wife, actually submitting to her leadership, he would have to overcome his evil desire to dominate her by force. She would need to overcome her evil desire to control him by manipulation.

From this we can see that a man will tend to neglect his wife because of his work, and she will tend to criticize him for this neglect. In answer, the NT teaches that a husband should become a servant leader (like Jesus) showing sacrificial love towards his wife (loving her, whatever her attitude). It also teaches that a wife should become like a fellow officer with him (though out-ranked by him) showing friendship love towards him (respectfully understanding her husband's preoccupation with his work).

The general principle is important to understand, because it explains why a married man is more focussed on his work, his calling in life, whereas a married woman is normally more focussed on how he is relating to her. He was created for vocation and needs to be single minded and helped. She was created to be his helper and needs to understand his single-mindedness. But she also needs to be included and appreciated by him.

She was made from the man’s rib: not from his head to surpass him and rule over him, nor from his feet to be trampled or abused by him, but from his side to be equal with him and to rule alongside him. She was made from the man’s rib: from close to his heart to be precious to him and loved by him, and from under his arm to be protected and covered by him (Matthew Henry). (There are many examples in the Bible of men failing to protect their wives, notably, Abraham. On two separate occasions, because he was afraid of men and what they might do to him, he lied to them about his relationship with his wife Sarah, getting her to say that she was his sister! He played the coward when he should have protected her.)

THE MARRIAGE TENT

At the beginning of human history, before the fall took place, God established and ordained marriage as the foundational element of human society (Genesis 2:18-25). In the first chapter of this book we considered the words: "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." I described the verse as having three essential elements like the three sides of a pyramid-shaped tent. Let's now take another look at this verse and those that directly relate to it.

Why marriage was constituted

God said: "It is not good for the man to be alone". If God says this is true, who are we to say otherwise? Those who insist they are "loners" are, in many cases, people who have suffered some form of abuse and their insistence on enjoying being alone is a protective mechanism. This is not being said by way of judgement but rather to alert "loners" to the possibility of unresolved issues that have become obstacles to good marital relationships. As already stated, those who are single and are fully fulfilled in being so have been given that gift by God.

God then said: "I will make a helper [a woman] suitable for him [corresponding to him, adapted to him, completing him]." There is a sense in which a man is incomplete without a wife. Certainly together they complete the image of God, as we have seen. But it is also true to say that what most men lack and need, relative to their humanity and personhood (regardless of sexual considerations), cannot be supplied by a male friend, a brother, a father or a son.

"God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man and he brought her to the man."  In marriage two become one.  A man is to love his wife as his own body because that is precisely what she is! She was made from his body and becomes a part of it again in marriage. When God brought Eve to Adam he was both delighted and enchanted. His companionship needs were fully satisfied by her and by her alone.

How marriage was to be consummated

"For this reason … [i.e. because God had made her like him in his humanity to take away his loneliness and to be his helper and friend] … a man will leave his father and mother"

Although the man is being addressed, what is implied is that his wife will also leave her father and her mother. Psalm 45, which is a wedding song, includes the words: "Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear [submit and consent to my instruction]: Forget your people and your father's house. The king [your husband] is enthralled with your beauty; honour him for he is your lord (v.10-11). Bridegrooms are addressed with these words: "Your sons will take the place of your fathers" (v.16). Old loyalties must not be allowed to compete with the new. Marriage points towards the future not the past.

The word "leave" means to forsake, to abandon. For example, it is the word used in Genesis 39:12 where we read that Joseph "left his cloak in her hand and ran out of the house." It is used in Ruth 1:16 where Ruth says to Naomi: "Don't urge me to leave you", and in 2 Kings 2:2 where Elisha says to Elijah: "As surely as the Lord lives and as you live, I will not leave you." It is a very srong word. It is the opposite of what Isaac did in Genesis 24:67: "Isaac brought her (Rebekah) into the tent of his mother Sarah." Although this is not specifically reproved, it is in conflict with the revealed will of God for marriage.

It is clearly seen in Numbers 30:1-16 that a man's authority over his daughter's life in OT times was meant to pass to her husband when she got married. The context is the taking of vows. If a woman made a vow to the Lord, of which her father disapproved, he could release her from its obligations. If, having made a vow, she were then to marry, her husband, rather than her father, would have the authority over her to release her from having to fulfil it, if he so wished.

There are probably three distinct stages in the relationship between parents and their children. The first is from birth to adulthood (about 18 years) when parents need to prepare their offspring to live a responsible and independent life. This stage involves training, correction and discipline producing respect, obedience and self-discipline.

The second stage is adulthood when parents are middle aged, or close to old age, yet enjoying good health. This stage involves mutual respect, friendship and a healthy adult-to-adult relationship. It is crucial in this stage for spouses to put each other before both sets of parents and to look to each other, rather than to any parent, for the care, protection, material provision and emotional support that they need. It is in this sense that they are called to "abandon" their parents.

The third stage is also adulthood, but when aging parents may well become in need of help and support: physically, emotionally or mentally. This stage would then involve doing all that is essential to meet their needs, including the possibility of receiving them into one of their children's homes. However, this should not be decided upon unilaterally by that child. Their husband or wife needs to be consulted and a joint decision reached.

"and be united to his wife"

The word "unite" means to cleave to, to adhere to, to stick to, to abide fast to, to follow hard after. It is used for example in the following texts: "to love the Lord your God ... and to hold fast to him" (Deuteronomy 11:22); "Orpah kissed her mother-in-law good-bye but Ruth clung to her" (Ruth 1:14); and "Then the men of Israel retreated, but he [Eleazar] stood his ground and struck down the Philistine till his hand grew tired and froze to the sword" (2 Samuel 23:9, 10). What is being underlined here is that marriage is meant to be permanent, and, that in every area of life, no one and nothing should be allowed to come between husband and wife.

"and they will become one flesh"

This means that they will become like one person: intellectually, emotionally and physically. This physical union is the culmination and expression of the love and respect being shown to one another in all other aspects of life. It is part of the whole and not something that can function properly on its own. Each has to leave in order to cleave before they can weave!

Some unique features of Christian marriage

Adam and Eve were naked but knew no shame. Clearly their sexual relationship, created to give pleasure as well as to produce offspring, was pleasing to God (1 Corinthians 7:3-5). Love-making can still be seen as God's wedding present!

No mention is made of children in Genesis Chapter 2. Children do not make a marriage, but are an additional blessing from God; a token of his grace (Psalm 127:3). Divorce can never be justified, or even entertained, on the grounds of infertility.

Jesus, having quoted Genesis 2:24, went on to say "… so they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." (Matthew 19:6). In marriage God performs a miracle. He makes one person out of two.

Marriages are not intended to end until the death of one of the parties (Romans 7:1-3), but at that point they do end (Matthew 22:30).  Marriage is a gift of God for this life only. It is so expected as the likely outcome for most people, that one of the Hebrew words indicating "husband" is simply "man" (as an individual). Another, that is translated both "wife" and "married" is simply the word "woman".

DAMAGED RELATIONSHIPS

The man's accountability before God for his marriage and family can clearly be seen in the way God goes about dealing with the entrance of sin into the world. He seeks out the man. He does not address Eve first, even though she was "the one deceived" (1 Timothy 2:14), nor does he summon the couple together.

Before proclaiming the consequences of her sin to the woman, God gave the wonderful promise of the Saviour's birth and his victory over Satan as represented by the serpent (Genesis 3:15). God said to Satan: "And I will put enmity between you and the woman, between your offspring and hers; he will crush your head, and you will strike his heel." Jesus would crush the serpent's head, but only at the cost of his life. This verse sheds light on 1 Timothy 2:15: "women will be saved through childbearing" [literally through "the childbirth" i.e. the bearing of the Saviour]. In other words, both men and women are sinners and can only be saved by grace through faith in Jesus the Messiah. It was a woman's privilege to bring him into this world. Through Mary, God brought about "the childbirth" that led to Satan's total defeat.

Four of the terrible consequences of the fall relative to marriage were:

1 That the man would struggle to give a godly lead. Adam stood by passively while Eve was being tempted; yet he was quick to put the blame on her, and indirectly on God, for bringing the marriage about.

2 That the man would have the tendency to rule over his wife harshly and brutally, rather than her ruling alongside him in harmony.

3 That the woman would struggle with godly submission and have the tendency to resist his leadership, and to control and manipulate him instead.

4 That both would encounter a number of difficulties in the area of their physical relationship. Before the fall they felt no shame. After the fall they "knew they were naked and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loin coverings" (Genesis 3:7 NASB). They began to feel embarrassed. They began to doubt the rightness of their sexual relationship. This wonderful wedding gift from God would become hugely problematic and overshadowed by a sense of shame. We will look at this area in more detail in a later chapter.

Adam was standing alongside Eve as she was being tempted and overcome by the serpent, so failed in his leadership role (Genesis 3:6). (The Hebrew expression literally means that they were "elbow to elbow".) She was being tempted to get something that was good to eat, pleasing to the eye, and that would make her wise. At exactly the same time, he was being tempted to become passive, to abdicate his responsibility as her leader, and not to step in to protect her and rescue her from being manipulated and deceived by the serpent. He failed at the same moment that she failed. She was deceived. He renounced his responsibility.

Many husbands and fathers still fail in this area of leadership. While women struggle, men often stand idly by. God never intended it to be that way. Husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loved the church, i.e., even when they are at their least lovable and need rescuing from self-centredness. Rather than criticizing and judging them, husbands should win them over with loving-kindness.

There was a point at which Eve had disobeyed God but Adam had not.  He was faced with the choice of obeying God or obeying his wife and receiving what she was offering him. (Compare this with Abraham's actions, who, having received God's promise of a son through Sarah, accepted the ungodly alternative method offered to him by Sarah herself, of having a son through sleeping with her servant Hagar.) Adam specifically chose to follow Eve rather than obey God’s command (3:6, 17).  Since then, countless men have been overcome and controlled by women, Samson being the classic example. Wars have been fought over women. Yet God considered Adam the one who carried the primary responsibility for their sin.

Part of the curse on the women would be that her "desire" would be "for her husband". This means that she would find herself wanting to resist his leadership and strongly seek to control him by manipulation. The only other biblical occurrence of this Hebrew expression is in Genesis 4:7 where God says to Cain: "Sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you but you must rule over it." The picture here is of a lion standing outside the door waiting to pounce on Cain and to overpower him. Such would be the desire within a woman's heart relative to her husband!

The words "he will rule over you" refer to subjugation by superior strength. This would be how a husband would tend to relate to his wife as a consequence of the fall. He would seek to dominate her by brute force, whereas she would seek to dominate him by subtle manipulation and control.

The New Covenant wonderfully brings restoration to pre-fall times. Just as the woman was the first to hear the curse she had brought upon herself, she is the first addressed in the restoration process. Rather than manipulating him, she is to submit to his leadership, just as Eve did to Adam before the fall. She is forbidden to act independently from him. Rather than the man harshly ruling over his wife, he is to sacrifice himself for her. He is to love her; accepting her as God's gift, just as Adam did regarding Eve before the fall. (See Colossians 3:18, 19 and Ephesians 5:21-33.)  We will get to these Scriptures later.

Book Assignment

1 Make two lists, one of those aspects of God's image that a husband should display, and the other of those a wife should display.

2 How can a husband and wife team fulfil the command to rule their home together, while honouring the husband's headship?

3 Describe the complementary roles that God has given to husbands and wives.

4 What cultural customs and practices where you are ministering clash with God's blueprint for marriage in Genesis 2:24?

5 How can a married couple honour and prefer one another above their parents, without dishonouring those parents?

6 In order to please God in their marriages, describe the evil tendencies that husbands and wives must overcome due to the fall.

Marriage Course Assignment

Write down five aspects of the image of God that you see being lived out in the life of your spouse, and then share them with each other. (10 minutes)

HUSBAND:

1              ___________________________

2              ___________________________

3              ___________________________

4              ___________________________

5              ___________________________

WIFE:

1              ___________________________

2              ___________________________

3              ___________________________

4              ___________________________

5              ___________________________

Read through the four terrible consequences of the fall relative to marriage. Discuss with your spouse where you honestly feel they have reared their ugly heads in your relationship. Write down three things you are going to do about this to improve your marriage, and share them with your partner. (10 minutes)

HUSBAND:

1              __________________________

2              __________________________

3              __________________________

WIFE:

1              __________________________

2              __________________________

3              __________________________

Before we leave the OT let's look at a very special woman, who in many ways jumps right into the NT!

CHAPTER FOUR

ACCORDING TO THE PATTERN

What examples of good marriages do we have in the Scriptures? Unfortunately there are very few. Does this mean we are attributing too much importance to it here? This cannot be the case when it is the one relationship chosen by God to mirror that for which the world was created – to provide a bride for his Son. Who, in the Bible, springs to mind as the ideal husband? None of the great heroes of faith in Hebrews 11 stand out, some because we have few details and others because there were identifiable weaknesses.

Perhaps we should consider Boaz (Ruth 2:1-4:22). He treated Ruth with great respect and loving-kindness. He comforted and protected her; commended and provided for her. Even though she was a Moabitess and, according to Jewish Law, barred from entering the assembly of the Lord (Deuteronomy 23:3), he accepted her and assured her of God's blessing. When she risked rejection by directly appealing to him for protection, he responded graciously; telling her he would count it a great privilege. Even though she had been married before, he fought for the right to marry her and became her kinsman-redeemer at great personal cost. A high priest in Israel was not permitted to marry a widow (Leviticus 21:14), but such a precedent did not deter Boaz. As a kinsman-redeemer he is a type, or picture, of Jesus, and certainly a great example of godly courtship.

Among women we have more success. Hannah comes immediately to mind. But there again, although she had many virtues, she was in a polygamous marriage, with all the complications that brought (1 Samuel 1:1-2:21).

We do, however, have the amazing example of the ideal wife of Proverbs 31. Her story comes in the form of a beautiful acrostic poem. Although it is probably to be dated roughly in the middle of the OT history of God's chosen people, its teaching is more akin to that of the NT. Once more we see the honour and dignity God has always given to womanhood.

From a man's viewpoint, we have the amazing privilege of being able to study the life of Jesus, the beloved Son of God, the perfect man and the church's bridegroom. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church and laid down his life for her. Although in his humanity he was never married, his interaction with others still serves as a wonderful example for husbands. However, in keeping with the approach of the whole of Scripture, it's women first.

THE VIRTUOUS WOMAN

This poem (Proverbs 31:10-31) is truly remarkable in its admiration and respect for the status of a man's wife. She excels in all her marital and family responsibilities, including the management of servants. She is free and able to buy and sell land and to invest in agricultural projects. She makes and sells garments. She shows kindness and generosity to the poor. And she merits and receives the praise of her community leaders. All this at a time when women were held in low esteem and considered little more than chattels.

We need to stop and ponder this. Is there a single culture anywhere in the world that mirrors this model? Some may be nearer than others but, in my understanding, only those amongst the people of God, who are true to the whole of Scripture, get near to it. Let's encourage one another to work hard at eliminating all unbiblical discrimination and to reach mutual respect and esteem that truly reflects our Creator's intention.

The woman in question is amazingly gifted, diligent, respectful and regal. How can anyone devalue women in our times when she has been held up to God's people as a role model for some 3000 years?

However able, and however great the freedom she has, including the use of considerable material resources, she is still portrayed as under her husband's authority and protection, and he has full confidence in her.

1 She appears to be her husband's only wife (at a time when, contrary to God's revealed will, polygamy was rife.)

2 Nothing is said of her physical beauty, but she does take care over her appearance. (All men would love to have a beautiful wife, so women should try to look their best, remembering that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. In her own eyes, a wife may not feel pretty, but to her husband she is extremely attractive, especially when she makes an effort to look her best for him.)

3 She fears God and nothing else. She is a woman of faith. She has a good reputation in the world and many successful business interests. She treats those who work for her with respect and consideration.

4 She is of noble character. She is valued, trusted and encouraged to have interests and work outside the home, and has freedom to make her own decisions.

5 She is positive, diligent, fit and strong, hard working and well organized. She gets up early. She manages, cares for and provides for her family exceptionally well. (It is interesting to note that Abraham's chief servant prayed that he would recognise the one God had chosen to be Isaac's wife by her willingness for hard work. Rebekah not only gave him a drink but offered to water his camels. Each one could drink 30 gallons of water in just ten minutes!)

6 She inspires her husband's full confidence and respect. She meets his needs and blesses him, never doing anything to harm him. She causes him to be respected in the community.

7 Her children stand up for her and express their praise for her and their appreciation of her. (This proves they are not neglected by her and thereby resentful of her involvement outside the home.)

8 She does not indulge in laziness, gossip or self-pity, but is eager and willing to serve. She uses all her abilities to bless others, especially her own family, and to care for the poor.

9 She speaks with kindness, dignity, skill and wisdom in faithfully giving godly counsel and instruction. All listen when she speaks.

10 She is publicly praised by the leaders of the community and paid in full for what she has earned, not being discriminated against for being female.

This poem makes it clear that being a woman of God must be the first priority for every wife. Next must come the woman's husband, followed by her children and her responsibilities in the home. Of course a husband should help in the home, but the idea of a 50/50 split of domestic responsibilities is not a biblical one, as we shall see later. The latter is based on an egalitarian view, which rejects not only headship and submission, but also the general principle that God created women to have a significant role as part of their husband's vocation.

However, the poem also makes it clear that, providing the home and family are not neglected, and she will need her husband to play his part in this, a Christian wife can be encouraged to involve herself with work and projects outside the home. And, rather than being told to keep silent, her godly counselling and instruction need to be listened to. (Personally, I believe the NT injunction for women to keep silent in church was a temporary expediency, relevant to the prevailing culture of the day, so that no stumbling block would be put in the way of the gospel being accepted.)

This ideal woman, then, is the wife's example and role model, not just for OT times but for all time. If women think this is a hard act to follow, what do they say of the man's task?

THE PERFECT MAN

Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. They are to follow his example. However, wives will also find they need to study what follows, as most of it also applies to them, though perhaps with a different outworking. Although he was God, he lived as a man empowered by the Holy Spirit. That same enabling is available to us. He lived a perfect life. We will often fall short. But God is at work in us, transforming us into the image of his Son. The more we cooperate with him, and obey the Spirit's promptings, the more like Jesus we will become.

1 Jesus lived as a normal human being whose supernatural strength and power came through his dependence on his Father and the Holy Spirit. He said: "By myself I can do nothing" (John 5:30). Husbands may well feel that it is a trifle unfair to have Jesus himself as their role model. However, they need to remember that he said: "Anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these" (John 14:12). Husbands can follow Jesus' example, but they need to be filled with the Spirit, and empowered by the Spirit, to do so.

2 Jesus knew who he was and what his Father wanted him to do with his life. He was obedient to his calling every step of the way. He said: "My food [my nourishment] is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work" (John 4:34). "I must preach the good news of the kingdom of God to the other towns also, because that is why I was sent" (Luke 4:43). "The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many" (Matthew 20:28). If husbands are to be effective leaders in their marriages they need to know who they are in Christ and the specific purpose for which God created them. They need to have a sense of destiny and an overwhelming desire to make their lives count for God. They need to be obedient to their heavenly calling.

3 Jesus was a leader who inspired a following. When he saw Levi working at his tax post and asked him to follow him, Levi got up immediately, left everything and followed him (Luke 5:27, 28). When Jesus travelled around preaching with his disciples, they were accompanied by a number of women who helped to support them out of their own means (Luke 8.1-3). Husbands need to inspire and motivate their wives to follow them, so they can be thoroughly included in their husband's vocation.

4 Jesus was a man of compassion. When he saw two blind beggars he "had compassion on them and touched their eyes.  Immediately they received their sight and followed him" (Matthew 20:34). When he saw the crowds "he had compassion on them because they were harassed and helpless like sheep without a shepherd" (Matthew 9:36). When he saw a bereaved widow grieving over the death of her only son "his heart went out to her" and he brought her son back to life (Luke 7:11-15). Husbands need to be compassionate to all, but especially to their wives.

5 Jesus was observant. He wasn't self-absorbed. He noticed and appreciated others. He saw a poor widow put two small copper coins into the temple treasury, and said she "has put in more than all the others … out of her poverty she has put in all she had to live on" (Luke 21:1-4). Husbands need to be attentive and seek to understand how their wives might be feeling and what their needs might be. Husbands need to express their gratitude for all their wives do for them and for others.

6 Jesus cared for children and had time for them. He sat them on his lap and prayed for them. It is hardly likely that they were freshly washed and in their best clothes! "People were bringing babies to Jesus to have him touch them. When the disciples saw this they rebuked them.  But Jesus called the children to him and said: 'Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these'" (Luke 18:15, 16). "And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them" (Mark 10:16). Wives are greatly blessed when their husbands love all children, but especially their own; when they spend time with their children, listen to them and pray God's blessing over them.

7 Jesus was not judgemental. He looked for the potential in others. His only harsh words were reserved for the hypocritical and for those who sought to manipulate him or to prevent others coming to him. It never entered his head to sit in judgement on Zacchaeus, the tax collector. Instead he invited himself to his house and enjoyed his hospitality (Luke 19:1-10). Jesus said: "I did not come into the world to judge the world but to save it" (John 12:47). Wives are greatly encouraged when they know their husbands never sit in judgement on them.

8 Jesus majored on the positives and always sought to encourage. When Peter said to him, following the miraculous catch of fish: "Go away from me Lord; I am a sinful man" he didn't reply: "You certainly are and it was about time you owned up to it!" Instead he said: "Do not be afraid; from now on you will catch men" (Luke 5:1-11).

9 Jesus believed the best of others. When James and John asked to sit at his right and left in the coming kingdom, Jesus asked them if they were willing to drink the cup of suffering he was about to drink. When they said they were, he believed them. The other disciples were indignant over the whole episode, but there was no condemnation whatsoever in any of Jesus' words (Matthew 20:20-28). "Love believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" (1 Corinthians 13:7).

10 Jesus was a man of prayer who spent quality time with his Father, enjoying their intimate relationship. We frequently read of him going out to a mountainside to pray (Luke 4:42; 6:12; 9:18; etc). When his disciples saw him in prayer they were deeply moved and asked him to teach them how to pray (Luke 11:1-4). Blessed is the wife whose husband follows Jesus' example in his prayer life and walk with God.

11 Jesus didn't hesitate to ask others for help, companionship and hospitality. He asked for the use of Peter's boat (Luke 5:3), the use of someone's colt (Luke 19:31) and invited himself to tea (Luke 19:5). He called his disciples his friends (John 15:15). He asked for their companionship in prayer as he faced his most severe trial in Gethsemane: "Could you not keep watch with me one hour?" (Matthew 26:40). He didn't isolate himself from others or live independently.

12 Jesus was able to resist temptation.  He defeated the attempts of Satan to doubt his identity, to gain the whole world and to put God to the test (Luke 4:1-13). And he resisted every attempt of the evil one to get him to sin: "He has been tempted in every way just as we are – yet was without sin" (Hebrews 4:15). Husbands will face many temptations, but with the armour of God in place, and by the power of the Spirit and the Word of God, they can overcome.

13 Jesus wasn't manipulated and controlled by his family. He didn't respond to their inappropriate summons (Matthew 12:46-50; Luke 8:19-21). He publicly rebuked his mother when she tried to force him into performing a miracle (John 2:4). Wives need to know they have first place in their husband's affections, and that the latter would never allow parents, or extended family members, to interfere in their marriage.

14 Jesus was brave and courageous and true to his calling. He was afraid of no one and never held back from saying what needed to be said. The people of his own town reacted to his words by trying to throw him over a cliff (Luke 4:14-30). When someone told him to flee from Herod's wrath he said: "Go tell that fox, 'I will drive out demons and heal people today and tomorrow'" (Luke 13:31-33). When Pilate told him he had power to kill him or to release him, he replied: "You would have no power over me if it were not given you from above" (John 19:1). It is a husband's duty to protect his wife. They are one. He needs to be brave for her.

15 Jesus was tactile – he liked to touch others in a loving and sympathetic way. He didn't mind if they were diseased or disfigured, young or old, rich or poor. He took a blind man by the hand (Mark 8:23).  People brought little children to him to have him touch them, but he cuddled them as well (Mark 10:13-16). A man who was covered in leprosy asked him: "'Lord if you are willing you can make me clean.' Jesus reached out his hand and touched him.  'I am willing,' he said.  'Be clean!'" (Luke 5:12, 13) At the time, it was believed that leprosy was extremely contagious.

16 Jesus was willing and able to make decisions. Many followed him but he chose only twelve to be with him. He made this choice following a night of prayer (Luke 6:12-16). Of the twelve, he chose three to be especially close. Out of those three, he chose one as his own best friend. Husbands need to be decisive and to seek God over their decisions.

17 Jesus appreciated treasured and valued simple, but costly gestures that others despised. Mary took a full pint of the most expensive perfume, worth a year's wages, and poured it over his feet. The house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume (John 12:1-8). Husbands need to be appreciative and to value the simple loving gestures of their wives and children.

18 Jesus was sensitive to the feelings of those around him and unafraid to show his own emotions. When Jairus heard the report: "Your daughter is dead. Don't bother the teacher any more," Jesus said to him: "Don't be afraid, just believe, and she will be healed" (Luke 8:49, 50). He gently rebuked Martha, when, through being worried and upset about many things, she demanded that he order Mary to help her. He defended and protected Mary in the choice she had made, but treated Martha with great kindness (Luke 10:38-42). He openly wept at the grave of Lazarus over the suffering he had caused them by delaying his arrival until after their brother had died (John 11:35).  Husbands need to be in touch with their emotions as well as being sensitive to their wives' feelings.

19. Jesus wasn't a heavy person. He was joyful. Jesus was "full of joy through the Holy Spirit" (Luke 10:21). He was the happiest man that ever lived! He was "anointed with the oil of joy" (Hebrews 1:9). He said to his disciples: "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you … I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete" (John 15:9-11). Husbands have a duty to be positive and cheerful. This is only possible when their identity is to be found in Christ.

20 Jesus did not seek fame, position or wealth for himself. He asked those he healed to keep it a secret (Luke 5:14). He washed his disciple's feet (John 13:1-17). He lived in relative poverty, having "nowhere to lay his head" (Luke 9:58). Yet God provided all he needed. He trusted completely in the One who feeds the birds of the air and who clothes the lilies of the field (Matthew 6:25-34). It is not a Christian husband's duty to provide his wife and family with social status, wealth and comfort, but simply with food, clothing and shelter (1 Timothy 6:8). As a disciple of Jesus, his desire will be to invest any money which is surplus to current needs, in the work of the gospel and in alleviating poverty.

21 Jesus loved and was at ease with both "sinners" and "righteous", poor and rich, sick and healthy. He lived among them, treating them with kindness, respect and love, yet kept himself pure. He attended Matthew's banquet (Luke 5:29). He attracted the tax collectors and "sinners" around him (Luke 15:1). They felt welcome and knew he loved them. They never felt judged or condemned by him. When a rich young ruler approached him, we read: "Jesus looked at him and loved him" (Mark 10:21). He wept over Jerusalem and said: "How often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing" (Luke 13:34).

22 Jesus paid his taxes. He gave to God what belonged to him, but he also gave to the government of his day what belonged to them (Luke 20:20-26; Matthew 17:24-27). Husbands need to be scrupulously open and honest in all their financial dealings. They need to pay their taxes and leave no debts outstanding. I know a case of total marriage breakdown which was largely brought about by the husband's secretive and ill-judged business dealings. These involved the loss of huge sums of money which had been raised by re-mortgaging their home. His wife only found out the truth after it was too late to do anything about it.

23 Jesus treated all women with kindness and respect, even when he had to speak the truth to them in love.  He gave them his time and attention. He spent the best part of a day with a woman in Samaria, bringing her salvation and raising a few eyebrows in the process (John 4:4-42).  Martha and Mary were very dear to him "Jesus loved Martha and her sister Mary" (John 11:5). He made provision for his mother's future when in agony on the cross (John 19:25-27). After his resurrection, he made his first appearance to Mary Magdalene and entrusted her with passing on the wonderful news to his disciples (John 20:10-18).

24 Jesus kept no record of wrongs. He was quick to forgive and quick to restore. He brought Thomas back to faith and trust in his resurrection (John 20:24-28). He brought Peter back to his leadership position following his denial (John 21:15-19). He even interceded for those who nailed him to the cross: "Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing" (Luke 23:34).

Book Assignment

1 What customs and practices in your culture conflict with the Bible's example of the ideal wife? What changes need to be made in Christian marriages to align them more closely with this model? How might this be brought about?

2 If you are a church leader, or counsellor, which of the twenty-four virtues from the life of Jesus do you most frequently discover are absent from the lives of husbands? How might this be dealt with? How can we encourage husbands to "teach and admonish one another" in such matters?

3 As a husband, which of these points presents you with the greatest challenge?  What steps will you take to become more like Jesus in these areas?

4 As a wife, which of these points presents you with the greatest challenge?  What steps will you take to become more like Jesus in these areas?

Marriage Course Assignment

Share with your spouse those characteristics of the virtuous woman, or the perfect man, with which you struggle. Ask for their forgiveness, where appropriate, and for their understanding and patience as you seek to address the issues. Then express your appreciation of your partner where these characteristics are clearly displayed. (15 minutes)

In the next two chapters we will look at the NT teaching regarding husbands and wives.  We would expect husbands to be addressed first but, in the main passages dealing with the marriage relationship itself, wives are the first to be given instructions.  This is the case in Ephesians 5:22-32; Colossians 3:18, 19; and 1 Peter 3:1-7.  Why do you think this is so?  I'll share my own views in the next chapter.

CHAPTER FIVE

WIVES

THE CALL TO SUBMISSION

"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything … and the wife must respect her husband" (Ephesians 5:21-24, 33). "Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord" (Colossians 3:18).

The word "submission" is an emotive one. It might remind us of a wrestling match where one participant, by inflicting pain and exercising superior strength, forces the other to cry out for the torture to end! We may think of someone being reduced to a doormat that is always walked over. We could imagine a person who is at the beck and call of another and never allowed to have, much less to express, a personal opinion. Even by some church leaders, the word is often used negatively in the context of marriage, without any clarification being made as to its true meaning. Many dismiss the notion, relegating it to the Middle Ages, and heavily criticise any who uphold it as a viable and vital foundational principle to a happy and harmonious marriage.

Whatever images come to mind, the question we must ask is this: What is the biblical definition of submission?

Its literal and essential meaning is the recognition of being outranked. It is a military term. Just as every army needs a commanding officer and every sports team a captain, so the family needs a leader and God has ordained and so created men and women that wives submit to their husband's leadership. However, just as fellow senior officers and key sports team members are greatly respected and participate in important decisions, so wives must be similarly honoured.

What does the Bible teach us about submission in a broader sense?

God's wisdom – the wisdom that comes from above, and which we all so desperately need – is submissive. The prayers of Jesus were heard because of his reverent submission. He spent every moment of his life on earth in submission to his Father. There is nothing demeaning or degrading in biblical submission.

God's Word calls us to submit to one another as brothers and sisters in Christ. It instructs us to submit to those in authority over us in the Church, in society and in the workplace. It expects us to submit to being taught by others, even by those younger and less experienced than ourselves. It shows us that if we are to be saved we must submit to God's gift of righteousness, rather than seeking to establish our own. But supremely, it commands us to submit to God himself, to his Word and to his discipline. He opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.

When we submit to one another, we do so because the Holy Spirit helps us to recognise on whom God has placed his authoritative hand. When we submit to church leaders and secular authorities, we do so because they are God-appointed. And if we want to live a victorious life regarding the devil's schemes, we must submit to God's will for us as revealed in his Word. In each case we recognise that we are outranked; that the person concerned has God's authority over us. However, we are free agents and therefore biblical submission is always voluntary; it always springs from true humility; it demands that we exercise faith. We are also slaves of Christ, and so, for his sake, our submission needs to include putting all our resources at another's disposal. That is, making available to those to whom we are called to submit, all that we have and are, including all our keenest insights, every benefit reaped from our personal experiences, our God-given wisdom; indeed all we have to offer, in order to be of service to them and to the cause of the Gospel. If I withhold anything that might be helpful, I am not being submissive.

The general lack of submission in marriage is symptomatic of the general situation in the Western world today. The church is not exempt. In the UK, people in all realms of life seem to be encouraged to show little or no respect for authority. This surely accounts for the lack of discipline in schools and the huge rise in anti-social behaviour. I believe such problems have been largely caused by the breakdown of proper order within the family. Instead of taking God's Word seriously, and applying it to the current situation, our society follows erroneous humanistic ideas. We need to thoroughly encourage God's people to obey his Word; not in a dogmatic way, but by showing them that it alone guarantees health and harmony in family relationships. If a man is failing miserably in his home and marriage he is not fit to serve in the church (1 Timothy 3:4). Should politicians and community leaders, who fail in such ways, be entrusted with the government of the land? If a man or woman in a position of authority cheats on their spouse to gratify selfish ends, are they not likely to cheat in their sphere of responsibility for the same reasons?

What should motivate a wife to submit to her own husband? That in so doing she is, indirectly, serving her Lord and Saviour. The words "submit to your husbands as to the Lord" do not mean "in exactly the same way as you would submit yourself to Jesus". The submission of a wife (and of her husband) to Jesus is an absolute one. We are all his "bond-slaves". A wife is never told in Scripture to be her husband's slave!  The submission expected by Scripture of a wife is never to be complete, entire and absolute. D M Lloyd-Jones writes: "the meaning is: Wives, submit to your own husbands because it is part of your duty to the Lord, because it is an expression of, and part of, your submission to the Lord. You are not doing it only for your husband; you are primarily doing it for the Lord himself, out of your fear and reverence for him. You are doing it to please him and to show yourselves to be his true disciples. If you really do want to please Jesus, submit to your husbands. Such an attitude beautifies the gospel." (I owe much of what follows in this and the next chapter to his excellent series on Ephesians.)

The call to submission is for three reasons.  The first of these is this:

1 The husband is the head of the wife

The man's headship relates to his accountability to God as the leader of the marriage, and to his responsibility to protect his wife and to sacrifice himself for her. Decisions are to be made together, not unilaterally by the man (or by the woman). Because the husband is the head of the wife, she should not act independently from him (Ephesians 5:23; 1 Corinthians 11:3-16). They are called to rule together. The husband should, therefore, not make decisions affecting them both (and the family) without her input and agreement. In extreme situations he may need to pull rank, because, ultimately, God holds him responsible for the outcome of their joint decisions. Examples of this might be concerning the call of God; where the family should be located; whether one of their children should undergo surgery; how finances should be allocated; whether major debt should be incurred; etc.

The wife is called to submission because the husband is the head of the wife. The man was created first. The woman was made out of the man. He was the one set in the place of leadership and given the task of working and taking care of the Garden of Eden. He was the one to whom the commandment not to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil was given. He named the animals. He had the responsibility for decision-making before she was formed and she was created to be his helper. She is the physically weaker partner (1 Peter 3:7) and he is to respect her, honour her, guard her and protect her accordingly. He is to be her head and the head of the family. He is not only responsible for himself, but for his wife and his children. She is to complement him, to adapt to him, to complete him and to make up for the deficiency in him. She is not expected to be manly, to behave as a man, or to usurp the place, position and responsibility given by God to her husband. She has been made by God to be a homemaker, a mother, and her husband's helper, comforter and encourager.

Of course, under the Spirit's guidance, there may be a case for a relative role reversal, especially where there are employment and financial difficulties. However, this should be seen as the exception, not as a viable alternative whatever the circumstances might be.

As stated earlier, the above principle of headship does not preclude a Christian wife pursuing a career of real substance. She may attain a high-level leadership position in the workplace, where she exercises considerable authority. However, if she is to take this pathway, her husband needs to be in agreement. She shouldn't see it as a right, regardless of how her husband feels. I know of cases where wives of church leaders are pursuing careers in politics and in law with the full blessing and support of their husbands. Having sought God, as couples, they became convinced that this was his will for them.

Although the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit are co-equal and co-eternal, for the purposes of our salvation the Son subjected himself to the Father, and the Holy Spirit subjected himself to both Father and Son. A wife may be her husband's superior in both gifting and intelligence yet she is called upon to submit to him as leader. If she is not willing for such submission she should not get married to him. If she is already married, she needs to make a definite decision never to do or say anything that puts her husband down or draws attention to his weaknesses. If she does, she is not only dishonouring him but also her Saviour. What she would also be doing would be to set an appalling example to her children and undermine their respect for their father.  Although this submission is mandatory within marriage, it should not be enforced by the husband, or anyone acting on his behalf. A pastor once asked me to make his wife obey him! I challenged him to make sure he was loving his wife as Christ loved the church and leave the Holy Spirit and other godly women to challenge his wife regarding submission. The point is this: a wife's submission remains voluntary. It is an attitude of heart and needs to be lived out respectfully, lovingly and joyfully.

A practical example of a wife's submission in normal everyday-life relates to how children should be directed, corrected and disciplined. As it is the father's overall responsibility to "bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4), his wife should be careful not to contradict him or oppose him while he is trying to do this. If she ever feels that his treatment of them is inappropriate or unfair, the time to talk about it is later; when they are alone as a couple. It is disrespectful to correct him in front of the children and undermines his authority over them. Except in the most extreme of circumstances, it is in their best interests not to intervene.

The call to submission is, as we have said, for three reasons. The second of these is this:

2 The church submits to Christ

The wife is called to submission because the church submits to Christ and marriage is a symbol, an image, of that relationship. Obviously then, a Christian should not even consider marriage to a non-Christian. "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers" (2 Corinthians 6:14). Also it would be inappropriate to conduct a normal Christian marriage ceremony for non-Christians.

It has been my own practice to agree to marry non-Christians, adapting some of the wording within the ceremony itself, but only if the couple are willing to do a Christian marriage preparation course with me, which includes a clear presentation of the gospel. In the UK it is all too easy to arrange a church wedding without any such preparation being offered, so I see it as a great opportunity to input the lives of the unsaved. In some cases this procedure leads to the couple finding Christ.

Which is harder to do: to submit or to sacrifice? Neither is easy. God is looking for a willing, respectful submission. How much easier it becomes for a wife to do this when her husband demonstrates that his life is fully submitted to Christ, when he is always proving the depth of his love by sacrificing himself for her and their children; when he puts their interests and well-being above his own; when he sets them a Christ-like example.

There are those who, I believe, take this teaching on a wife's submission to her husband, way too far. They claim that if she submits to her husband, as to the Lord, she is free from submitting to church leaders and fellow believers. This view is based on their interpretation of Ephesians 5:22-33. They hold that the whole passage refers to husbands rather than moving between the duties of husbands and the redemptive work of Christ. They conclude that husbands are exclusively responsible for the spiritual welfare of their wives. We will look at this passage in more detail in the next chapter.

Another extreme is where women are taught to submit to men within the context of the church purely on the basis of gender, whether those concerned are in leadership roles or not. The teaching of the Bible is that wives are to submit to their husbands. It does not teach that all Christian women are to submit to all Christian men!

The third reason for the call to submission is:

3 Her submission provides his opportunity

Whenever the NT writers deal with the duties and responsibilities of husbands and wives, they address the women first. Why is this? Surely it is because without her submission the husband's leadership role becomes extremely difficult.

As we have already seen from Genesis 1 and 2, the outworking of the first couple's joint responsibility to "rule the world" together was that the man was entrusted with the task and the woman with helping him to carry out that task. A wife's submissive heart and attitude best facilitate this principle.

Submission on her part assumes, expects and encourages her husband to be a visionary and to fulfil God's plan for his life, and, indirectly, for her own life. It prepares for, and anticipates, her husband's initiatives. It can even excite her and motivate her to be significantly involved in his life's work. Her submission makes way for, draws out and welcomes his masculinity.

Such submission also encourages her husband to shoulder the responsibility for the leadership of their family and models the respect and esteem their children need to learn to show towards their father. If his wife is not submissive, it becomes extremely hard for a sensitive and reserved man to find the confidence and courage to take the lead. It becomes virtually impossible if she frequently puts him down before others and in front of their children.

I have heard of some wives saying to their husbands: "Give me some decisive leadership and I'll follow and be submissive! You never initiate anything! I've nothing to submit to!" The Bible calls wives to respect their husbands, not to mock them. When a wife shows genuine respect and a willingness to submit to his leadership she will encourage him to become the man God planned for him to be and draw out his leadership calling. His leadership can fill the space her submission leaves.

I believe God gives a measure of leadership gifting to all men, but in some marriages a wife may be her husband's superior both in leadership ability and intellect. If she wants to please God she will maintain respect for her husband and give him the benefit of her insights by making suggestions with humility and tact so that he is empowered to lead. As we have already noted, a wife's submission needs to include making available to her husband her capacity to discern what may not be obvious to him in a given set of circumstances, or concerning someone's character, about which decisions need to be made.

THE CALL TO LOVE

A love that has to be learned

"Likewise teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God" (Titus 2:3-5).

The Greek word used for love here is not the same Greek word used in the passage that addresses husbands: "Husbands love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25). The latter refers to sacrificial love – the love expressed by Jesus through his death on the cross, while we were still sinners. It is the love of acceptance. It is a love that is unconditional. It is expressed when the person least deserves it. It is a love that is a choice and is seen in the actions it promotes.

According to Titus 2:3-5, the love of wives is to be that of friendship. It promotes a desire to become their husband's best friend. In a certain sense it means to love and be affectionate towards him as the best of mothers would be towards an adult son or daughter and as the best of fathers would be towards his grown children. It is a love that has to be learned. All too often, the relationships just referred to, do not develop into the maturity of a truly adult-to-adult friendship. When this is the case, those concerned have resisted or been insensitive to the Holy Spirit's inner teaching.

Of course we are not talking here about romance and sensuality. We are seeking to isolate and underline the contrasting characteristics of the love to be expressed by both husband and wife in the normal ebb and flow of married life. A wife would find it hard to see her husband sacrificing himself for his friends, parents and children, but not for her. A husband would be saddened to see his wife treating her friends, parents and children with respect, kindness and forbearance while he only seems to hear criticism.

In the NT this friendship love is found in the following phrases: "The Father loves the Son"; "Lord, the one you love is sick (Lazarus)"; "Peter replied: Yes Lord, you know that I love you"; "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love.  Honour one another above yourselves."

Paul referred to many fellow believers as his dear friends. The apostles in Jerusalem referred to Barnabas and Paul in this way. Paul wrote about Onesimus as being very dear to him both as a man and as a brother.

The Greek word used of wives loving their husbands is philia. It speaks of the linking of two hearts in true friendship. It refers to a sharing of experiences that sets another person above being a mere acquaintance and makes them a companion. It indicates a fondness and devotion, which develops as people are attracted to each other and build a relationship. It means loving behaviour, including hospitality and common concern; brotherly love; love of good; warmth; acceptance; respect; careful treatment.

Jesus laid down his life for his friends and was a friend of sinners (accepting them and never judging them; forming a deep bond of real affection with them).

Friendship counters individualism. It reinforces relationships, support and encouragement. It strengthens a sense of community. Abraham was God's friend. Jesus is our friend. True friendship is found when a person loves someone for the moral qualities he or she has and desires good for that person. Faithful are the wounds of a friend when they are lovingly and gently inflicted.

"The Lord would speak to Moses face to face as a man speaks with his friend" (Exodus 33:11). That is, intimately, in personal relationship, with respect and with loving-kindness. Job said: "My intercessor is my friend.  He pleads with God as a man pleads for his friend" (Job 16:20). We read in Proverbs: "A friend loves at all times" (17:17). "There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother" (18:24). In Song of Songs the beloved says: "This is my lover, this is my friend" (5:16).

What ruins friendship:

1. Unrealistic expectations, possessiveness, control

2. Being taken for granted, the expectation of help being given without needing to ask

3. Not being respected

4. Being criticised, nagged, judged, found wanting and condemned

5. Not being told immediately why you are being cold-shouldered

What friends can expect:

1. To be treated with respect, kindness and a smile

2. To be appreciated

3. To be asked respectfully to lend a hand

4. To always be treated with warmth and acceptance

5. Openness and good communication; dealing with issues as they come up

THE CALL TO INNER BEAUTY

"Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word they may be won without a word (not by discussion (Amp)) by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external – the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewellery, or the clothing you wear – but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening" (1 Peter 3:1-6 ESV).

The words "likewise" refer back to the previous chapter. Wives are to be submissive (i.e. to submit to their husband's authority and leadership within marriage) "for the Lord's sake" (1 Peter 2:13), because it is pleasing to him and is of great value in his eyes.  This submission is to be worked out "by doing good" (1 Peter 2:15), that is through actions not mere words.  Wives should not appeal to their "freedom" in Christ (1 Peter 2:16) as an excuse for not submitting to their husbands. They are to "show proper respect to everyone" (1 Peter 2:17), especially to their husbands. They are also to "bear up under the pain of unjust suffering" (1 Peter 2:19). This does not mean submitting to abusive behaviour. But it does mean being sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading, and forgiving offences, rather than paying back evil for evil. Jesus is the wife's example in this.  He did not retaliate or make threats. He entrusted himself to his Father (1 Peter 2:23).

The instructions to wives in 1 Peter 3:1-6 are applicable to all Christian marriages. They are not specific to those married to non-Christians. The NIV has "so that, if any of them do not believe the word" but the Greek has a much stronger meaning, that of active disobedience to the gospel and to the standards laid down in Scripture – even open rebellion against them.

Rebellious, disobedient, back-slidden and lukewarm Christian husbands, as well as non-Christian husbands, need to be won over without words, "that is, not by preaching or talking about the gospel, but rather simply by the behaviour of their wives; their Christian pattern of life. The Greek text leaves open the possibility that Peter intended to say that unbelieving husbands will be won not simply by seeing the submissive behaviour of their own wives, but by observing the pattern of Christian marriage exemplified by wives generally within the Christian community" (Wayne Grudem). As is so often the case, the effectiveness of the witness of the whole church depends on the faithfulness of its individual members.

THE NON-CHRISTIAN HUSBAND

The call to submission extends to the case of the Christian wife who has a non-Christian husband. She is still to consider herself "out-ranked" by him. She is to be a witness to him, but a silent one (unless of course he opens the door for her to share her faith with him). She has no biblical responsibility to preach to him or to teach him, much less to correct, reprove, judge, advise, belittle, scold, warn, nag, look down on, or condemn him. Her actions are to speak louder than any words she might long to say. Her goal should not be to bring him to Christ. That could lead to manipulation and a sense of failure. Her goal should be to obey this Scripture, to pray for her husband and to leave the Holy Spirit to do the work that only he can do. Her witness is to be through her life:

1 Her purity relative to her marriage

She is called to be free from any accusation of inappropriate interaction with other men; to be as one "judged and cleansed by sunlight"; to be utterly faithful and beyond reproach in both her relationship with God and with her husband.

2 Her respect for her husband

Her reverence for her husband should spring from her fear and reverence for God and her commitment to obey her Lord. To revere means she is to defer to, to respect, honour, esteem, appreciate, admire and praise her husband; to be devoted to and to deeply love and enjoy him, whether he is a believer or not.

3 Her inner beauty

Rather than spending inordinate amounts of time, energy and expense on the trappings of outward beauty, she is to concentrate more on developing a quiet and gentle spirit, while still taking special care to keep herself looking her best. A husband loves his wife to look truly feminine and attractive, but it is her inner beauty that will win him to Christ.

Jesus described himself as gentle and meek and said the meek will inherit the earth. The meek accept God's dealings with them as good, without disputing or resisting. Meekness is linked to humility. It is not weakness but rather the fruit of controlled strength. A stallion that has been well trained and disciplined and is in total submission to its rider is "meek". There is no loss of power or regal status.  A quiet spirit is one where tranquillity arises from a carefree heart. It calms all disturbances.

Writing of the "imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit" Wayne Grudem comments that it will last for eternity. The adjective "gentle" means "not insistent on one's own rights; not pushy, not selfishly assertive; not demanding one's own way". Why is this so precious in God's sight? Because it denotes a confident trust in him and a total satisfaction with him.

4 Doing what is right

That is, doing what is good in itself and in its effect; being involved in "well-doing". This will not always be easy when married to a non-Christian. However, the believing wife's behaviour must always be that which is good in God's eyes, even when this brings on unjust criticism.

5 Not giving way to fear

That is, letting nothing terrify her; letting no anxiety unnerve her; not giving way to hysterical fears and thus causing her to respond in an ungodly way. The Greek word combines the thoughts of terror and amazement, so she needs to be on her guard not to be caught out unawares. She needs constantly to be affirming her trust in God. However, if the cause of her fear violates the righteous boundaries she has set within her marriage she has every right to resist.  She is not to let herself cower in terror, like someone expecting to be struck. There is to be no "fluttering of the arms" in panic. She needs to stand tall.

On a more general note, what of the oneness of marriage where one of the partners is not a Christian? In 1 Corinthians 7:14 we read: "The unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy." The believer's state of being sanctified (that is, being set apart for God) is not in any way diminished by their having entered into a marriage with a non-Christian before their own conversion. The believer's holiness, in some special way, extends to them and thus to their children. For personal salvation, both the non-Christian spouse and the children – once of accountable age – will depend on their own response to the claims of Christ. But some of God's blessings, poured out upon his own people, extend to their non-Christian family members and friends. This being the case, their oneness in marriage itself cannot be doubted.

Book Assignment

1 What is the literal meaning of the Greek word translated "submit" when applied to a wife in the context of Christian marriage? In practical terms, what does it mean and what does it not mean?

2 Why is this submission demanded by God? What happens in a marriage where it is absent? What extremes need to be avoided?

3 What are the implications of a husband being his wife's head in the sense of having authority over her? In what ways does her submission provide him with a godly opportunity?

4 Explain the essential differences between the agape love expected of a husband and the philia love expected of a wife. Why is it so important for a wife to treat her husband as she would her closest female friend?

5 To what does inner beauty refer? What should a Christian wife do, and make sure she doesn't do, if married to a non-Christian?

Marriage Course Assignment

Discuss together to what extent the biblical teaching on a wife's submission to her husband is a central characteristic in your marriage. What hinders and what might improve such healthy submission? Look at the points raised under "what ruins friendship" and "what friends can expect". Discuss how close, deep, open and respectful you believe your marriage friendship to be. How could it be improved? (15 minutes)

CHAPTER SIX

HUSBANDS

UNDERSTANDING EPHESIANS 5:25-33

In the following passage, the words that are not in italics are those that apply to the duties of a husband towards his wife. The words that are in italics speak of what Christ has done for the church and why he has done this. They also describe the relationship that exists between Christ and the church. The two subjects are intertwined. Care needs to be taken not to incorporate into the instructions to husbands the things that only Christ can do and for which he alone is responsible. A husband does not have spiritual and pastoral responsibility towards his wife in terms of instruction and correction. His responsibility towards her, spiritually, is to set her a good example and to pray for her.

"And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by baptism and God's word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife. No one hates his own body but lovingly cares for it, just as Christ cares for his body, which is the church. And we are his body. As the Scriptures say, 'A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one.' So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband" (Ephesians 5:25-33 NLT).

THE CALL TO SACRIFICE

Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. The Greek word used here is agape. It refers to sacrificial love and is seated in a person's will as opposed to their emotions; it is the characteristic word of Christianity; the expression of the essential nature of God; it is the love he has for the world; a love that can only be known from the action it prompts; it is God's love as seen in the gift of his Son; it is the love of choice, not feelings; of godly inclinations, not natural ones; it is not dependent on the worthiness of the object; it is the love that "always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres" (1 Corinthians 13:7).

The fundamental and controlling principles concerning wives are that they respect and submit to their husbands and become their closest friends. The corresponding fundamental and controlling principles concerning husbands are that they respect and lead their wives and love them in a truly self-sacrificing way. Obedience to God's Word ensures harmony, peace and unity in the relationship and in the home.  Of course wives are to love their husbands sacrificially, and there will be times when a husband will submit to his wife, but where we find a reversal of biblical roles we find an unhealthy marriage.

Sacrificial love safeguards submission and provides self-denying leadership. "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline" (2 Timothy 1:7). A wife need not fear her husband's leadership when such "power" arises out of "love and self-discipline". No husband is entitled to say that he is the head of his wife unless he truly loves his wife. The two stand or fall together. Both are manifestations of the Spirit. His leadership is to be one of love. It is to spring from the power of love and the discipline of the Spirit, whose fruit is love.

THE CALL TO LOVE

A love that is a choice

Why must a husband love his wife as Christ loved the church?

1 Because Christ loves him

Even though he is a man, as a believer he knows that once he was married to a very legalistic husband: the Law. But, when he became a Christian, he died and was forever set free from that marriage. Now he is eternally married to a very gracious husband: Jesus (Romans 7:1-4). He knows that he is loved despite his unworthiness. He knows that while he was still steeped in sin Christ died for him. He knows Christ didn't wait until he had cleaned up his act (Romans 5:8). He knows that while he was an enemy of God he was reconciled to him through the death of God's Son (Romans 5:10). He knows that when he was clothed in rags and wallowing in his vileness Christ loved him and died for him. Christ did not love him because he was already glorious and beautiful but in order to make him so. The knowledge and experience of how much Christ loves him, and what Christ has done for him, enables him and motivates him to love his wife.

2 Because Christ died for him

He knows that God's entire wrath against him, because of his sin, was poured out on his Son (Isaiah 53:4-6). He sees the proof and expression of the depth of Christ's love for him in the cross. He knows that Christ looked upon him, was interested in him, cared about him, desired great things for him, wanted to make him perfect and was willing to pay the staggering cost. He can say with Tim Keller: "The Christian gospel is that I am so flawed that Jesus had to die for me, yet I am so loved and valued that Jesus was glad to die for me." The love of Christ compels him to love his wife.

3 Because Christ will never give up on him

He knows that God will tirelessly cause all things to become co-workers for his good that he might be transformed into the very image of his Son (Romans 8:28-30). He knows Christ is always for him, never against him. He knows that when others criticize him his Lord will enable him to stand (Romans 14:4). He knows that Christ is proud of him as part of his church and has exalted him to the highest place, sharing his very throne with him (Ephesians 2:6). He knows that there is nothing Christ wouldn't do for him. This is how he is to love his wife! He is to look upon her and love her. He is to seek great things for her that she might reach her full potential. Through his example and sacrificial love for her, he is to do all in his power to be an encouragement and a facilitator towards this end.

In what specific ways must a husband love his wife?

1 As Christ loved the church

"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:21, 25-33).

This passage uses the holy, intimate and eternal relationship that exists between Christ and his church, made possible by his death on the cross, to describe how husband and wife should relate together in marriage. Put the other way, a Christian marriage should reflect that relationship. It should correspond to that relationship, complement it and be governed by it. Their relationship to each other should be consistent with their personal relationship with Jesus. The Christian husband should seek to love his wife as much as, and in the same way, as Jesus loves him. The Christian wife should seek to respect her husband as much as, and in the same way, as she respects Jesus.

2 As his own body

"Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church. Each one of you … must love his wife as he loves himself" (Ephesians 5:21, 25-33).

Husbands should love their wives "as their own bodies". D M Lloyd-Jones says that Paul is not saying they should love their wives in the same way they love their own bodies, but because they are their own bodies. Husband and wife are one. It is good and accurate to refer to your spouse as your 'better half'. When a husband loves his own body his wife is included! "The wife is, as it were, the body of the man, so that what his body is to his personality, his wife should be to him."

He goes on to bring out the following two principles from this:

1  A husband should never abuse or neglect his wife. If he were to abuse or neglect his own body he would be a fool and rightly suffer the consequences. She is part of his body.

2  A husband should feed, care for and protect his wife. If he were to fail to properly nourish his own body, to fail to care for it when sick or injured and to fail to protect it from deadly diseases, etc., again he would be a fool and probably go to an early grave. She is part of his body and needs to be properly and thoroughly looked after in all these ways.

3 Above all others

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh" (Ephesians 5:21, 25-33).

As stated earlier, every husband must live, act and speak in such a way as to leave his wife in no doubt whatsoever that she comes first in his life and affections: before all others (excluding God), be they children, parents and relatives, and before all things, including career, vocation, activities and recreation.

A married woman needs to be loved and cherished as a companion by her husband, just as a married man needs to be valued and affirmed as a significant achiever by his wife. Proverbs 30:23 brings out how crucial it is for a married woman to know she is loved by her husband and to hear him tell her frequently that he loves her. "Under three things the earth trembles, under four it cannot bear up." One of these things is "an unloved woman who is married". A wife, who truly knows she is loved by her husband, will, in the knowing, become even more beautiful.

Jacob appears to be a good example in this. "So Jacob served [Laban] seven years to get Rachel [as his wife], but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her" (Genesis 29:20). See also the example of certain Hebrew servants (Exodus 21:2-6). Regarding Jacob, Tim Keller sees his love for Rachel as Idolatry. We will look at the possibility of turning a spouse or sex into an idol in a later chapter.

THE CALL TO TENDERNESS AND CONSIDERATION

"Husbands love your wives and do not be harsh with them" (Colossians 3:19).

All relationships for the Christian are determined by their relationship with God and can never be divorced from that. A husband is to love his wife in the same way that Christ loves him and died for him. Such sacrificial love and harshness could never coexist.  Agape love seeks the good of the beloved rather than any satisfaction to be gained from the relationship. Unkindness, bitterness, sourness and harshness must never usurp the place of love.

The root of the word "harsh" refers to something that is sharp and that cuts or pricks. It refers to that which embitters or irritates. Words that wound should never be used. A husband may be tempted to retaliate to criticism with a cutting remark, with a statement intended to hurt deeply. He must resolutely resist such a temptation. His example is Jesus who kept silent before his accusers.

"Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers" (1 Peter 3:7).

The words "in the same way" appear to refer back to the underlying attitude of sincere heart-submission to God brought out in the previous verses. Why should husbands always be considerate towards their wives, no matter how their wives might be behaving? Because this pleases the Lord; because this is the way of faith and trust in the Lord; because this is how Jesus responded even to those who hurled insults at him. In other words, husbands are to make allowances for their wives' human frailty and not return like for like. This requires maturity. And it provides an opportunity to show love, respect and forbearance.

"Be considerate as you live with your wives" is literally "living together according to knowledge", i.e. in an understanding way. This does not mean that a husband should merely show his wife consideration in a general sort of way. It means he has a duty to inquire into, and to find out about, the circumstances of her life. He needs to be aware of what makes her tick, what she finds hard to cope with and how he can best express his love for her. He needs to know what pleases her. He needs to be aware of her state of health and of anything she is worried about. He needs to give her the opportunity of explaining how she is feeling and to give his full attention to her when she does so. He is to make sure he knows what is going on in her life so he can give her the support and show her the kindness she needs.

Such knowledge must to be acquired. He needs to find out what are her desires, goals and frustrations; her strengths and weakness in the physical, emotional and spiritual realms; and what the Bible teaches concerning the husband/wife relationship. All this requires time and commitment. All marriages need to be worked at.

"Treat them with respect" is a weak translation. "Bestow special honour on them" would be better. God is often pleased to give honour to those who are weaker and less honoured by the world. Examples would be: the poor, those who mourn, children, those not of noble birth, those without influence, those not especially wise, those with few talents, and the elderly. In the case of wives Wayne Grudem says: "such honour should include kind and affirming words both privately and in public and high priority in choices regarding the use of one's time and money".

The Greek word referring to a wife in this verse is rare. It literally means "the feminine one". The characteristic nature of a wife's womanhood, her femininity, her femaleness, should summon profound respect and honour from her husband.

She is referred to as the "weaker partner" so that her husband might never take selfish advantage of her, not because she is in any way inferior. Indeed, she is a joint heir with him of eternal life. In general terms women are more often physically weaker than men. They have greater emotional sensitivity. They are probably more likely to be deeply hurt by marriage conflicts. They are often truly seeking to live in a submissive way towards their husbands; respecting their headship, although this may not always be apparent to him. An ungodly husband could exploit her in all these areas.

The verse ends with the statement: "so that nothing will hinder your prayers". This should forever end the notion that a man's spiritual life and walk with God are quite separate from, and unaffected by, the way he treats his wife. The two are intertwined. No man can enjoy intimacy with God while mistreating his wife. The two are mutually exclusive. The prayers that would be hindered are not those of the couple, but the private prayers of the husband. When a husband who is abusive, unkind or negligent towards his wife, comes before God in prayer, God puts his hands over his ears!  When he lifts his hands in public worship, knowing that he is failing to love his wife, he is guilty of hypocrisy.

Wayne Grudem says: "No Christian husband should presume to think that any spiritual good will be accomplished by his life without an effective ministry of prayer. And no husband may expect an effective prayer life unless he lives with his wife in an understanding way, bestowing honour on her."

Book Assignment

1  Look again at Ephesians 5:25-33 as quoted at the beginning of this chapter and read through the words not in italics. What are the responsibilities of a Christian husband?

2  In your own words, explain the three reasons why a husband must love his wife as Christ loved the church.

3  Again, in your own words, explain specifically how a husband is to love his wife.

4  Explain what it really means for a husband to "be considerate" towards his wife.

5  How is it possible for a husband's neglect of his wife to seriously hinder his own personal prayer life? Why does God refuse to listen to the husband who treats his wife without consideration and respect and who does not make allowances for her physical and emotional vulnerabilities?

Marriage Course Assignment

Discuss together to what extent the biblical teaching on a husband's sacrificial love for his wife is a central characteristic of your marriage.

How do you, husband, feel you are doing in reflecting how well you know and understand your wife by the way you organise your own life and relate to her?

How well do you, wife, feel that your husband knows and understands you physically, emotionally, spiritually and with regard to your aspirations, dreams and desires, as well as your vulnerabilities? Does he make allowances?

Do either of you feel your personal walk with God might be hindered by any aspect of your marriage?

(15 minutes)

CHAPTER SEVEN

APPRECIATING ONE ANOTHER

COMPLEMENTARY ROLES

As we have seen, God’s blue print for marriage is that "a man will leave his father and mother [become separated from both sets of parents to facilitate a new creation between himself and his wife, and to enable this totally new relationship to flourish], and be united to his wife [that is, be strongly glued together, cleaving to one another in friendship, companionship and as co-workers in ruling together], and they will become one flesh" [in an exclusive romantic and sexual relationship of love, passion and tenderness].

Regarding the husband's headship, this relates to his accountability to God and his responsibility towards his wife, to protect her and to sacrifice himself for her. It is a headship which facilitates her taking hold of God's purposes for her life and carries the overall responsibility for the marriage and the home. It involves servant leadership. As the husband is the head of the wife, she should not act independently from him. As they are called to rule together, he should not make decisions affecting them both without her input and agreement. In certain situations and in extreme circumstances he may need to pull rank.

In this chapter we will try to summarize the corresponding responsibilities of each spouse and to bring out the essential differences. It is said that opposites attract. Strong marriages are often a mix of two very different types of people who, nevertheless, share common convictions. In marriage each partner needs to be free and encouraged to be themselves. They need to accept one another as they are, not trying to squeeze their spouse into any sort of mould.

God wants husbands to be truly masculine and wives to be truly feminine, each in a godly and biblical way. In this way their children will see a demonstration of the complete image of God in the home.

RECIPROCAL RESPONSIBILITIES

Some of what follows anticipates what we will unpack and study together in later chapters. They are included here for completeness.

Summary of a wife's key responsibilities

1 Respect your husband, be submissive to him and submit to his headship.

2 Take care over your femininity; your outward beauty (look your best for him) and your inward beauty (cultivate a gentle and peaceful spirit).

3 Do not reject his sexual advances, but respond with warmth and enthusiasm.

4 Do not give way to fear or resort to manipulation, control and domination.

5 Do your best to meet his marital needs.

These principles can be outworked in the following ways:

1. Be well organised in your life, home and family. Be a homemaker.

2. Accept yourself as God has made you. Be at peace with yourself and cultivate godly self-esteem.

3. Accept your role as his helper and support him.

4. Accept him as he is and give him your approval. Don't try to change him.

5. Verbalize praise and admiration for what he does. Demonstrate your gratitude and appreciation.

6. Be willing to adapt yourself to him and your life to his life.

7. Let him know you love him more than your children, your parents and any others.

8. Seek to be his best friend, trying not to correct him, contradict him, criticize him or put him down in the presence of others.

9. Work hard to produce a peaceful, orderly atmosphere in the home.

10. Be careful, wise, unselfish and accountable in your use of money.

11. Devolve any leadership responsibilities you have assumed.

12. Seek to control your tongue so as not to express your anger and frustration through nagging.

Summary of a husband's key responsibilities

We have summarized the wife's responsibilities first because, as we have seen, the Bible addresses her first, and because it is virtually impossible for a man to take the lead unless his wife accepts his headship, is submissive towards him and respects him. A woman should not marry a man she cannot respect and submit to.

1. Love your wife, treasure her, sacrifice yourself for her, be considerate towards her and care for her.

2. Treat her as an equal, with respect and honour, as a partner and joint heir of God's grace.

3. Do not be harsh with her, or towards her, verbally or physically, making allowances for her more fragile physical and emotional nature. Protect her.

4. Share your heart, your life and your vocation with her, including her in all you are doing and making her your closest friend.

5. Do your best to meet her marital needs.

These principles can be outworked in the following ways:

1. Win her respect by sacrificing yourself for her and your children.

2. Care for her spiritually by praying for her and by setting her an example in true discipleship.

3. Live a transparent life before her of submission to Christ and love for him, taking up your cross daily to follow him.

4. Set her an example in humility, being the first to seek reconciliation, to apologise and to ask forgiveness.

5. Treat her as a precious treasure, making it your goal to be a blessing to her.

6. Accept the leadership role, including handling finances.

7. Shoulder responsibility for the spiritual, emotional and physical well-being of the family, and for the instruction and discipline of the children.

8. Initiate rather than observe, react and criticize.

9. Be gracious towards her concerning her deficiencies, short-comings and mistakes.

10. Share your heart and encourage her to share hers.

11. Include her and involve her in all your interests, work, etc.

12. Esteem her highly, respect her and encourage her; hold her, hug her, spoil her and always be telling her that you love her.

SCINTILLATING DIFFERENCES

God made men and women with many differences and it would take more than a lifetime to understand them fully. However, it's well worth the attempt! The following are generally true, but certainly not always so. It may be better not to push them too far but just to bear them in mind as possibilities. Some only contain a measure of truth and bring out a generalized variation between the sexes. Simply use them to better understand your husband or your wife, so as not to expect from them what would be unreasonable. Be careful not to take them personally or too seriously!

Let us not lose sight of the fact that men and women are equal in value and dignity and in being created in the image of God. They have different roles to play in marriage as part of the created order. For this reason we should not try to make the same what God has specifically designed to be different. Men need to appreciate and rejoice in their masculinity and women in their femininity.

When it comes to the differences that are listed relative to sexual intimacy, some of these should definitely not be true of Christian husbands! With the help of the Holy Spirit, they, and their wives, need to learn how to control and transform these natural tendencies, so that they can give their spouses maximum pleasure and satisfaction.

EMOTIONALLY, MENTALLY AND TEMPERAMENTALLY

Read from left to right, across the columns, to better understand the differences that are being brought out.

PHYSICALLY

WOMEN

More rapid heartbeat

Lower and more variable blood pressure

Lower breathing power

Can stand higher temperatures

Longer life span

Lower metabolism

Shorter heads, broader faces and smaller chins

Shorter legs and longer trunks

Larger kidneys, liver and stomach

Larger appendix and thyroid

Smaller lungs

Different types and more numerous hormones

Experience menstruation, pregnancy and lactation

More water in their bodies

20% fewer red blood cells (which means they tire more easily and are

more prone to faint as they are receiving less oxygen)

20% of their ideal body weight in muscle

The corpus callosum between the two sides of the brain is claimed by

some to be 10% thicker with 30% more connections (which would explain why women can think in many areas and dimensions at the same time)

Skin that is ten times more sensitive

Greater variety of cones in their retinas (which means they have a wider

field of vision)

MEN

Have little understanding of menstruation, pregnancy and lactation

40% of their ideal body weight is muscle

Brains that promote linear thinking

Greater capacity to see clearly at night

INTUITIVELY

WOMEN

Catch subliminal messages faster and more accurately

Accurate mental processes are often unconscious (which means they are unable to give the specific logical explanations that men often demand)

Book Assignment

The Bible portrays men and women as being of equal status before God, yet having different roles to play:

- As the two parts of the whole that only together reflect the image of God

- As having many differences yet complementing one another

- As being in some senses complete in and of themselves, yet in others as completing one another

Is this reflected in your culture? Can it be seen in Christian marriages within your culture? What needs to change to align such marriages with biblical teaching? How could this be brought about?

Marriage Course Assignment

A How well are you fulfilling your marital responsibilities towards each other as summarised in this chapter? What strengths need celebrating and weakness addressed? Discuss these things together and write down three changes you are going to make to improve things. (10 minutes)

1              __________________________

2              __________________________

3              __________________________

B Are their any scintillating differences that you had not before appreciated and that could have resulted in a lack of understanding between you? Discuss these things together and write down three changes you are going to make to improve things. (10 minutes)

1              ___________________________

2              ___________________________

3              ___________________________

CHAPTER EIGHT

EXPRESSIONS OF LOVE

In his best selling book "The Five Love Languages", published by Northfield, Gary Chapman proposes that each of us has a primary love language; one that we were born with. When it comes to feeling and knowing that we are truly loved by another person, it could be referred to as being communicated with in our mother tongue. When someone seeks to express love to us we will appreciate its impact so much more when they use our own love language. He defines these as: words of affirmation; quality time; receiving gifts; acts of service; and physical touch.

Nicky and Sila Lee in "The Marriage Book", published by HTB, call them: loving words; quality time; thoughtful presents; helpful actions; and physical affection.

Each of these expressions of love relies on a choice being made by another person; a willingness, on their part, to die to self and to make sacrifices. This is a description of agape love: the love of God for the world that led to him giving up his only begotten Son for us. It is the love of the new commandment that Jesus gave to us, that we should love one another as he has loved us. As already stated, it is not the love born of feelings or passion, nor even simply the love of friendship, but the love of sacrifice and unselfishness. The point is this: there will be times when it will be easy to express our love to our spouse and times when it will be difficult. Agape love will enable us to overcome a temporary breakdown in communication; to be the first to reach out to our spouse in order to put things right. Knowing and using our spouse's love language is an expression of agape love.

The trap into which most of us fall is that we will automatically use our own primary love language when expressing love to our spouse. Based on Gary Chapman's analysis, we will only have a one-in-five chance of being successful! We need first to discover our mate's primary love language and then to use it to express our love for them, even if it seems strange and unnatural to us. If we don't, they will always be questioning our love for them in their hearts and, may be, always telling us that they feel unloved.

It is not that these expressions of love exist in isolation, or that we each only appreciate one language. They work together. For some they will all seem of similar importance. For others two, or may be three, will stand out. However, for the majority it would seem that having one primary love language holds true.

I highly recommend Gary Chapman's book, (which I believe is also available in Portuguese). Let's explore how these love languages relate to what we find in the Bible regarding expressions of love, particularly in the life of Jesus.

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

As we have seen, the first man, Adam, was given a job to do and a wife to be a companion, an enabler and a helper to him, in doing that job. God said: "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him" (Genesis 2:18 NASB). From this it could be deduced that a man needs words of affirmation; he needs and wants to know that he is doing a good job. God made him to be focussed on an assigned task, a vocation; to have a goal in life. A married woman also needs to hear words of affirmation that her companionship, her complementary role and essential input are all being appreciated. (Of course she too may have a career or part-time job and be in need of encouragement.)

Words have the power of life and death (Proverbs 18:21; Matthew 5:21, 22). They can build up or destroy. If a person's primary love language is words of affirmation, and all they hear are words of ridicule, rejection, judgement and anger, how great is their misery! "The tongue … is a restless evil, full of deadly poison" (James 3:8). How many adults have major problems through a lack of self-respect, self-worth, and self-esteem, due to negative statements spoken over them, year in and year out, as they were growing up? How unbearable if marriage proves to be more of the same!

Yet quite a number of husbands and wives speak disparagingly about their spouses in public. Some use harsh words of ridicule and scorn as they communicate directly with them, to the extreme embarrassment and horror of any family members or friends who might be present. Some constantly tell jokes at their spouse's expense. All this may be justified by them saying: "It's OK. He (or she) doesn't mind. They know I don't really mean it." But the truth of the matter is almost certainly very different. There are bound to be underlying feelings of disappointment and sadness; a sense of being unloved and of little value. There may even be resentment and roots of bitterness. Regardless of this, it is never OK to treat others in such a way. And imagine the damage being done if that person's love language is indeed "words of affirmation"!

Jesus frequently used such words to express encouragement and love. "Here comes an honest man – a true son of Israel" (John 1:47 NLT). "Neither do I condemn you" (John 8:11). "Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted" (Matthew 15:28). "Daughter, be encouraged. Your faith has made you well" (Matthew 9:22 NLT). "Don't be afraid; just believe" (Mark 5:36).

As disciples of Jesus Christ, we all value and treasure prophetic words that strengthen, encourage and comfort us. Are we not all living our lives in the hope that we will eventually hear those most highly treasured words of all from the lips of our Lord and Saviour: "Well done good and faithful servant"?

In marriage we are talking about words of kindness, encouragement and appreciation for things done (meals prepared, money earned, repairs, maintenance, chores, home-making, decorating, etc.); for care over appearance (clothing, make up, hair styles, etc. regarding her and suitable clothing, being well-groomed and turned as far as he is concerned); for new ventures undertaken (needlework, photography, writing, vegetable gardening, carpentry, etc.). We are also talking about phone calls and love letters that come as a complete surprise and can make a person's day. It is especially encouraging for each one of us to hear our spouse tell us that they love us just the way we are and wouldn't change us for the world!

QUALITY TIME

When would-be disciples asked Jesus where he was staying he said: "Come and see" (John 1:39 NLT) and, as a result, they spent the rest of the day together. We read that later he appointed twelve "that they might be with him" (Mark 3:14); not just that they might follow him. He attended a wedding, getting thoroughly involved (John 2:1-11); spent a long time with an unknown woman at a well (John 4:1-42); invited himself to eat at the house of a tax collector (Luke 19:1-10); "partied" with sinners (Matthew 9:10); etc. He especially valued one-to-one time with the Father (Luke 6:12). Clearly, Jesus had time for people and ring-fenced his time with God.

A concise definition of marriage is "a covenant of companionship". This leads to the assumption that every husband and wife will want to spend considerable time with their spouse and will expect to do things together. For most wives this seems to hold true. But for husbands, all too frequently, it is not the case. We come back to his problem of being preoccupied with work or the job in hand. It is not that he doesn't want to spend time with his wife. It is more likely that he is simply too focussed on what he is doing. Could it be that he is assuming his wife's love language to be "acts of service" when, actually, it is "quality time"? (Hand on heart, this is my own downfall. To my wife's dismay and surprise, I even got on with making a unit for the wash basin in our flat the second week of our honeymoon! I cringe just thinking about it! )

It is often said of children that their bad behaviour is a sign of parental neglect and a cry for attention. We should not be surprised that, when we neglect to provide opportunities within marriage to spend quality time together, we will be in danger of creating an atmosphere of resentment. All couples need to set time aside to share with one another how they are truly feeling about all that is going on in their lives. We all need someone to listen to us. We all need to know that our thoughts, feelings and opinions have value. We give value to our spouse when we give them quality time, when we make sure we do things together, when we listen to what they are saying; trying to understand the emotions behind the words; hearing both what is being said and what remains unsaid.

And there is joy in just being together as a couple; enjoying a walk; looking as a sunset; sharing our faith with others.

RECEIVING GIFTS

Jesus is a wonderful example, both of giving and of receiving. He gave freely, generously, sacrificially, voluntarily, cheerfully, worshipfully and extravagantly, not only of his possessions (he seems to have retained nothing), his time, companionship and healing power, but of his very self, laying down his life for us. However, he also showed incredible appreciation and gratitude towards Mary of Bethany, who anointed him for burial with perfume worth a year's salary (Matthew 26:6-13). She is the only person singled out by Jesus for her story to be told wherever in the world the gospel would be preached. The disciples asked: "Why this waste?" But Jesus was thinking: "What a beautiful expression of faith, devotion, extravagant love and outrageous generosity!"

The giving and receiving of gifts within marriage can enhance the relationship tremendously, providing they truly are an expression of love and appreciation. Monetary value is of far less importance. The simplest of gifts says: "I was thinking of you"; "I wanted to please you and to make you happy"; or may be: "I wanted to cheer you up, because you have had a rough time recently"; "I wanted to spoil you, because you are always doing things for others"; "I just wanted to show you how much I love you and treasure you".

Husbands and wives can make things for each other in secret and then surprise one another. They can buy things they know their spouse would really appreciate receiving and hide them where they know they will be found.

ACTS OF SERVICE

Jesus performed an act of menial service for his disciples which each of them had declined to do for one another. There was no servant present to carry out this expected task and none of them was prepared to step into that role. But we read of Jesus that "having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end" (John 13:1 NASB).  "He loved them to the last and to the highest degree" (Amp).  "He gave them the uttermost proof of his love" (R A Knox Bible).  "He loved them completely by dying for them, of which the feet-washing was an enacted parable" (R V G Tasker).

It has been said that John 13:1 is the introduction to the second part of John's gospel.  Chapters 1-12 relate to Jesus' public ministry to the Jews and reflect God's general love for the world.  Chapters 13-21 describe his private ministry and his special and intimate love for his own. Peter recoiled from the thought of Jesus washing his feet, but Jesus said to him, in effect: "Unless I serve you in this way, unless you allow me to wash you, you have no part with me – there can be nothing in common between us; we can never be true companions."

Servanthood is the hallmark of Christian discipleship. Who better to be on the receiving end of acts of service than our spouse? We are not just talking about routine household chores, cooking, maintenance, home improvements, etc., but going the extra mile in noticing when our spouse is worn out and we need to take over for them with regard to the children or preparations for guests arriving, etc. It is about serving like a nurse or carer; like a tradesman's labourer or kitchen assistant. It is any helpful action, spontaneously and cheerfully given, that speaks louder than words and says "I love you. I can see you need a helping hand. I would count it a joy and a privilege to serve you."

PHYSICAL TOUCH

As already noted, Jesus was tactile. Those with the disease of leprosy had to ring a bell when others got close and cry out "unclean!" to keep them away. But Jesus reached out and put his hands on them. He often touched the sick and many begged him to touch them. Mothers begged him to touch their children and Jesus took these scruffy little ones in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them. See Matthew 8:15; 9:29; Mark 8:22; 10:13-16. At the Transfiguration Peter, James and John were overcome by terror and fell face down to the ground. But Jesus went over to them and touched them and told them not to be afraid (Matthew 17:6-8). He knew the power of a reassuring touch.

A friend, on watching a young woman returning to her seat after sharing a difficult testimony, noticed a young man place his hand upon her shoulder as she passed him by. With a tear in her eye, my friend turned to me and said: "How wonderful it must be to be loved as much as that". It was only a touch, but it said so much.

We are not talking here about romantic or sexual touches. We are not saying that sex might be a person's love language; hopefully we are all fluent in that one! We are talking about outward signs of love and affection, encouragement and understanding: a timely arm around the shoulder; a deep hug; a quick kiss on the lips, cheek or hand; a gentle touch in passing; walking along hand-in-hand, with arms linked or placed gently around each other. Most of us appreciate this level of intimacy in marriage as the daily norm. Some simply die inside without it. If this is our spouse's main love language, isn't it an act of cruelty to withhold it? Is the fact that "we were never like this in our family when I was growing up" sufficient excuse to keep my distance? Should cultural taboos keep us from exploring the joy of this particular language of love? Personally, I don't think it should. Our spouse's needs are surely of paramount importance.

Book Assignment

1.  Using your own words, what are the five love languages?

2.  Can you think of any other love languages not included here and quite distinct from those listed?

3.  If your spouse's love language is receiving thoughtful presents and you have little money, how might your love be expressed?

4.  In this analysis, why is sex not considered a language of love? What would be the dangers of calling it such?

5.  If your culture makes it difficult for you to express love in the way these languages require, what do you feel you should do?

Marriage Course Assignment

HUSBAND:

Having carefully thought through the above definitions of the five expressions of love, I believe my own primary love language to be:

______________

followed by

_______________

And I believe my spouse's primary love language to be:

______________

followed by

_______________

WIFE:

Having carefully thought through the above definitions of the five expressions of love, I believe my own primary love language to be:

______________

followed by

_______________

And I believe my spouse's primary love language to be:

______________

followed by

_______________

As a couple share your conclusions and check out their accuracy. Taking turns, explain to your spouse what you appreciate about the way they seek to express their love for you, and gently, and tactfully, help them to see how they might be more effective in the use of your primary love language(s). Listen carefully to each other and only ask questions of clarification when they have finished speaking. (20 minutes)

CHAPTER NINE

PASSION

EROS DEFINED

There are, in fact, three Greek words for love. We have already looked at agape and philia. Eros is the third. It is more a self-centred, sensual desire than love; not necessarily wrong, but one that is rooted at a physical level. The word eros is not found in the Bible. It is what the world refers to as love. "Not loving someone any more" is often seen, in the world's view, as no longer being "turned-on" by them. This makes romantic and sexual feelings the most important issues in marriage and ignores the suffering of wives, husbands and children, who might thereby be abandoned. However, romantic and sensual love must have its place in Christian marriage. The Roman Catholic Church has removed it from the lives of priests. The Corinthian church tried to remove it from the lives of all believers! They wrote to Paul saying "It is good for a man not to touch a woman [have sexual intercourse with a woman; be married]". He quoted their words back to them and then refuted them completely, referring to love-making within marriage as a debt that must be paid (1 Corinthians 7:1-6). Sex is an essential ingredient of a normal Christian marriage; it is incomplete without it. If a Christian couple are to experience marriage as God intended, there must be powerful sexual chemistry between them; they must have truly fallen in love.

I will never forget talking to a missionary couple after having taken a seminar for young people on courtship and marriage at which they were present. Theirs had been a marriage of convenience. They hadn't fallen in love. There was no powerful sensual chemistry between them. In their marriage, this area had been mechanical. However, they left that day determined to trust God to light up their passion for each other. I am sure he did this for them! Sex is, after all, God's invention!

I know, by personal experience, that God can break and nullify the kind of romantic love and sensual desire that causes one person to be infatuated, besotted and, to a great extent, controlled by another. This is very unlikely to lead to a healthy marriage. I know too, again by experience, that God can create the right chemistry of romantic love and desire and introduce it into a relationship previously operating at a level of close friendship. He did this for me when I was questioning the possibility of it being his will for Sue and I to marry. One minute we were just close friends of some years standing. The next my knees were knocking and my heart was pounding and I was wondering why I hadn't really seen this amazingly attractive young woman before! Sue had been sure for years, but for me that vital ingredient had been missing. I had prayed that if Sue really was the right girl for me, God would need to bring it into being. And how he did!

As we saw earlier, there must be fondness and friendship in marriage (philia love); the pure enjoyment of one another's company. Each should be the other's best friend and preferred companion. There is permanence about this kind of love. It exists for life between parents and their children where parenting has followed God's Word and where genuine agape love has been shown. Eros depends on feelings. Agape depends on choice. Philia depends on respect, admiration, deep fondness and the desire for companionship. It should be the bedrock of the marriage relationship. Care needs to be taken that it is not neglected. It shows itself in having the same affinities, being attracted to similar things, sharing the same interests, or having the desire to appreciate them for the other's sake.

Agape love is in the chosen act of unselfish kindness. It is to love as God loves. The fruit of the Spirit is agape love and being filled with the Spirit means an overflow of that love in the home towards spouse and children. A non-Christian cannot truly love in this way! They can know eros love and philia love but can never plumb the depths of agape love. This is why the best marriages should be Christian marriages.

WHAT GOD'S WORD TEACHES ON SEX

1 Sex was made for committed relationships

Since the 1960s the Western World has been openly obsessed with sex.  In many African villages the high standards of sexual morality shame the developed world. However, it seems that life in African cities now mirrors that of the West. Pornography used to be something sold from under the counter. Now it is displayed on the front pages of daily newspapers. Even magazines aimed at younger teens offer advice on contraception and getting the most out of sexual encounters. A recent television series "The Love Academy" featured a group of teenagers who signed a pledge to abstain from all sexual activity for a period of four months. Those overseeing the group were Christian youth workers. The program revealed a society in the UK where most young teenagers are expected to be promiscuous by their peers and by their parents, and where many are sexually experienced in ways that shocked Christian viewers.

The opinion of society today that sex does not need to be linked to lasting commitment and faithfulness, even that sexual experience needs to be gained before marriage, is creeping into the church. Amazingly, sexual intercourse before marriage has become acceptable in some so-called Christian circles for engaged couples. In a fairly recent marriage preparation session I was taking, it was revealed that the couple were sleeping together. When challenged about this it came to light that the girl's Christian mother had advised this because she felt sexual compatibility was something a couple needed to establish before committing themselves to marriage!

For every true believer the Word of God must be our guiding light, our plumb line and our ultimate authority in all areas of life. We can trust God's Word because we trust the character of the One who inspired it. We can be confident regarding its teaching because it comes from the One who created us, who loves us and who wants the best for us. It is timeless and applicable to all cultures. Some would object and say it is old fashioned and needs reinterpreting. We would answer that its truth is eternal and the principles it teaches apply to all cultures and throughout the whole of this world's time frame.

2 Sex was made for purity and holiness

As soon as God introduced Eve to Adam we read: "The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame" (Genesis 2:25). Their sexual relationship had God's blessing. It was God who said: "And they shall become one flesh." Shame is something that came in with sin. Sex was God's idea. He made us to be sexual creatures and gave sexual desire to both men and woman. He was pleased when he saw them making love. He didn't turn away in embarrassment or repulsion! Such an attitude to sex has no foundation whatsoever in the Bible. The entire book "Song of Songs" is devoted to romance and sexual love. It is full of uninhibited passion and sexual delight and it really is in the Bible!

God's Word does not put sex in a box, keeping it separate and making it inferior to other aspects of married life. It is represented as an integral part of the whole and shouldn't be considered something to be relegated to the bedroom. There are many other exciting places! Where privacy allows, brief sexual touches need not to be excluded from normal daily life. Sad are the spouses who are denied them. Happy are those free to engage in such fun! Society often represents marital sex as boring and unimaginative, reserving all excitement for illicit affairs. God wants marital sex to be "red hot" and for his people to be the best at it in the world!

3 Sex was made for marriage

Relative to marriage, whenever sexual activity is mentioned or implied in Scripture, it always has God's blessing; outside of marriage it is always condemned. For example we read: "The husband should not deprive his wife of sexual intimacy, which is her right as a married woman, nor should the wife deprive her husband" (1 Corinthians 7:3 NLT). "Let marriage be held in honour among all and let the marriage bed be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge" (Hebrews 13:4 NASB). "Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust" (Colossians 3:5).

Some might say: "But if a couple are engaged to get married wouldn't that make it right?" No, that would not make it right. In the first place the Bible still calls it immorality and condemns it. And in the second place it means entering marriage through the sexual door rather than that of true friendship and commitment to faithfulness. It is to reverse God's order of leaving parents, cleaving to one another in friendship and only after the public and legal commitment of the marriage ceremony, having the freedom to make love. What if they begin to sleep together and then, for one reason or another, split up before they get married? How would they feel at not being able to offer a future Christian partner the gift of their virginity? Even with contraception, there is always the possibility of pregnancy. What if, before their wedding day, the man is killed in a car accident? This might seem a remote possibility, but it could happen. What prospective Christian husband would want to leave his fiancé to face such a situation alone?

4 Sex was made for pleasure

Chapter 2 of Genesis does not mention children. Marriages are complete without them. It is especially important for African believers to recognise and to embrace this truth. Becoming one flesh crowns and seals the covenant of companionship and adorns it in a passionate expression of romantic love, regardless of the desire for children. Sex can enriches the marital relationship in many ways and for many years, even into old age. In fact, although it will certainly be less energetic, it should get better and better as the years go by.

The physical intimacy of love-making is eagerly anticipated by the bride in "Song of Songs". She says: "My lover thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him" (5:4). Why did God's creation of the woman's body include the clitoris (the small sensitive and erectile part of the female genitals at the upper end of the vulva)? Its only purpose is to receive and transmit sexual pleasure.

5 Sex was made for closeness

The Bible often refers to sexual intercourse in marriage as "knowing" one another. "Adam knew Eve his wife and she conceived" (Genesis 4:1). "Elkanah knew Hannah his wife and the Lord remembered her … and … she bore a son" (1 Samuel 1:19, 20). "Joseph … knew her not till she had brought forth her firstborn son" (Matthew 1:24, 25). The Greek word means: "to come to know; to understand completely". Sexual intercourse represents the closest intimacy possible between husband and wife. There has to be willingness for complete vulnerability on both sides. This is only possible where there is confidence and certainty of acceptance. The giving of one's body to another in this way, is an expression of utmost trust. That is what makes premeditated adultery such a grotesque sin and the extreme act of unfaithfulness.

Caroline Mahaney in her book "Feminine Appeal", published by Crossway, says: "Marital sex is the pinnacle of human bonding. It calls forth the deepest, most powerful emotions. It creates intimacy in marriage like nothing else. In fact, as we give and receive the gift of love-making, this intimacy will grow stronger and more precious as the years go by. Each encounter will lead us to a deeper 'knowing' of the one we love."

6 Sex was made for creating children

Although marriages are complete without them, children are a wonderful blessing from God and the fruit of love's expression. When a child is born, he or she is the totally unique creation of a loving God working in partnership with human parents. The Bible commands us to multiply: "Be fruitful and increase in number" (Genesis 1:28). And the Bible teaches us: "Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him" (Psalm 127:3). Long before any child was no more than "a twinkle in his or her father's eye" God knew them.

Space does not allow for a detailed treatment of the art of mutually enjoyable love-making. No one is a good lover by nature. If we are honest, we are far too arrogant, ignorant and self-centred for that to be the case! The best way to learn is to be guided by your spouse and by the Holy Spirit. Discovering together the ecstasy, beauty and delight of sexual love will lead to the elimination of frustration and the achievement of satisfaction. What follows are two brief summaries of what I hope will cover the main issues.

WHAT MAKES A GREAT LOVER

- Faithfulness and exclusiveness for life within Christian marriage

- Choosing the appropriate time, place and circumstances

- Being sensitive to your spouse's physical, mental and emotion state

- Communicating what gives pleasure and what doesn't

- Warmth, acceptance and encouragement

- Seduction, excitement and flirtatious teasing

- The full participation of both parties

- Sufficient time and care given to foreplay: stimulating sexual arousal

- Surprises and variety

- Consideration and unselfishness

- Compassion, understanding and help for both to achieve orgasm

- Tenderness, gentleness and kindness

- Romance and affection

- Passion and patience

- Care over appearance and personal hygiene

- Constantly using your spouse's love languages in every area of life

- Sexy underwear (if you can get it)

- Spending quality time together

- Fun, cheerfulness and a sense of humour

- Secrecy and confidentiality

WHAT SPOILS INTIMACY

- Unrealistic expectations

- Passivity, indifference and one-sided initiation

- Abusive and deviant sexual practices

- Selfishness and negligence: only seeking my own satisfaction

- Rejection, coldness and grumpiness

- Criticism, ridicule and harshness

- Sexual fantasies concerning others

- Lack of privacy

- Haste and the absence of foreplay

- Flirting with others at work, etc.

- Tiredness and overwork

- Poor health and lack of fitness

- Poor personal hygiene and little care over appearance

- Vulgarity, rudeness and crudeness

- Familiarity and immodesty

- A sense of being used

- Violating my spouses conscience

- Insisting on sexual rights

- Prudishness: considering sex and nakedness distasteful

- Using sex to manipulate, control or dominate one's spouse

WHERE BOUNDARIES NEED TO BE SET

The Biblical model for sexual behaviour is that of heterosexual marriage: a mutually faithful, lifelong commitment between two people of the opposite sex. Interestingly, the Bible does not give specific guidance with regard to what might be deemed deviant or abnormal sexual activity within marriage.

Combining biblical principles with specific prohibitions, it becomes clear that all the following are to be deemed sinful and/or perverse: sex outside of marriage; pre-marital sex; adultery; sexual violence and abuse; rape; sex for pay (prostitution); pornography; exposing oneself (exhibitionism); sexual intercourse with a family member (incest); sexual involvement with children (paedophilia); sexual activity with an animal (bestiality); watching the sexual activity of others (voyeurism); and erotic subjugation and submission involving the infliction of physical pain (sadomasochism). The latter is a sexual practise in which one partner adopts a masochistic role (being abused) and the other a sadistic one (doing the abusing). Masochism is a condition in which sexual pleasure is obtained from feeling pain or from being humiliated. Many of the above make sex into an idol. (For a more detailed analysis, see the "New Dictionary of Christian Ethics and Pastoral Theology" (NDCEPT) published by Inter-Varsity Press.)

When it comes to homosexuality, sexual obsession with an inanimate object or one part of the body (fetishism) and sexual arousal through cross-dressing (transvestism), I believe special care needs to be taken not to condemn those involved out of hand. They may well be seeking, subconsciously, to subdue and ease their emotional pain and shame. They may have been unloved, rejected, ridiculed and emotionally, physically, sexually or even spiritually abused as children. (By spiritually abused I mean being brought up in an extremely legalistic and harsh environment, lacking in love, understanding and compassion.) Such people need to be helped to find inner healing and freedom in Christ.

Homosexual practise is consistently condemned in the Bible, but can a homosexual orientation held in check be equally condemned? In my own experience, those who have struggled over inappropriate attraction to the same sex, and have sought my help as a pastor, have been nurtured into such feelings by the treatment they have received at the hands of others. The main cause seems to have been seriously defective parenting (mainly manipulative mothers, sucking emotional support and sustenance from vulnerable sons, and cruel fathers, abusing sensitive and vulnerable daughters, whether verbally or physically). Others have been sexually abused as children either by family members or by teachers and the like. Such folk need to be treated with compassion, to receive the Father's healing for their damaged emotions and to experience the sustaining power of God's grace. Faith needs to be exercised by all involved so that such dear ones can either be set free from their bondage, in the name of Jesus, or be given enough grace and strength to live holy lives while keeping their underlying impulses under control. Much more could be written, but space does not allow.

Many of the above cases of sexual deviation result in sexual addictions. The attempt to medicate emotional pain through addictive behaviour is not only true of the sexual addict but also of the alcoholic, the drug taker, the gambler, etc. Compulsive sexual behaviour of any kind is most likely to stem from the emotional pain and shame of unresolved hurts and expectations from childhood.

Where the involvement of sexual fantasies, fetishism, the causing of physical pain, and the like, are essential in order to arouse sexual desire, the possibility of untreated emotional pain must be explored. These are the things that lead to addictions. The emotional pain needs healing, not inappropriate comfort. When arousing and expressing sexual desire, practices are wrong if they focus on an object or a bodily member rather than on the person themselves. In such cases the person is not really being "turned-on" by their spouse but by something else.

With the advent of the Internet, pornography has reached epidemic proportions. The February 2009 edition of "Christianity" called Internet Porn "The unspoken problem in our church". Pornography is the gratuitously explicit depiction of sexuality, in words or pictures, which debases sex, dehumanises the participants, and arouses and exploits the sexual passions.  More and more it is being linked with acts of aggression and violence. Research in the USA concludes that around 50% of Christian men and about 35% of Christian pastors admit to an addiction for Internet-based pornography! Even if this is a gross exaggeration it still represents a terrible threat to Christian marriage. For such addicts, a ruthless solution is necessary and many would advocate total abstinence from the use of the Internet for any purposes, or the electronic disabling of computers regarding access to pornographic sites. This needs to be coupled with regular accountability sessions with trusted spiritual mentors and a program of disciplined Bible study, prayer, ministry and deliverance. There is freedom in Christ for all addicts of whatever variety.

The following principles should be applied to love-making within marriage:

1 Nothing should be done that would violate my own conscience or the conscience of my spouse. If either of us is unhappy with the activity, or in any doubt about its holiness, it should be avoided. "For whatever does not originate and proceed from faith is sin.  That is, whatever is done without a conviction of its approval by God is sinful" (Romans 14:23 Amp). If I think God might not approve, then I shouldn't be engaging in it.

2 Nothing should be done that would be unhealthy and possibly transmit sickness or disease. "Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God" (2 Corinthians 7:1).

3 Nothing unnatural should be engaged in, that is the use of my bodily parts for something God did not intend in the natural course of wholesome marriage relationships. "God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be." "Its parts should have equal concern for each other" (1 Corinthians 12:18, 25). "He who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honour God with your body" (1 Corinthians 6:18-20).

In Richard Foster's words, taken from his book "Money, Sex and Power" published by Hodder: "Sex in marriage should be a voluptuous experience. ('Voluptuous' is defined as being occupied with and derived from sensual pleasure.) Frequency of sex and variations of sexual technique simply are not moral issues, except in the sense of consideration for one another. In other words, married couples are free in the Lord to do whatever is mutually satisfying and contributes to the relationship. There is nothing inherently wrong with oral sex or mutual masturbation or many other ways to give pleasure to each other if they are mutually agreed upon." My only known reservation here would relate to anal intercourse. I have not spoken to a pastor who is happy to encourage this. Dr Peter Carter (lead-elder of North Kent Community Church, Newfrontiers), when speaking at a seminar I attended, said that anal intercourse should be considered off-limits as it is both unhealthy and unnatural. It also normally violates the conscience.

Does the condemnation in the OT of sex that might take place at any point during a woman's monthly period, relate more to the ceremonial requirements of the Law of Moses, and to matters of health, than it does to it being morally wrong? This seems to be a matter of debate among church leaders. (See Leviticus 15:19-24; 18:19; 20:18; Ezekiel 18:6; 22:10.) The penalty of being "cut off from their people" applied to both parties in the case of a man lying "with a woman during her monthly period and having sexual relations with her" (Leviticus 20:18). This seems to indicate a moral offence, whereas the requirements of Leviticus 15:19-24 are clearly ceremonial and health related. (Of the 16 different causes of a person being "cut off" from God's people that I could find in the OT, 13 referred to the ceremonial law and 3 to clear moral issues.) The context of the prohibition in Leviticus 18:19 may relate to procreation: "Thus a husband was prohibited from having sexual relations with his wife during the latter's monthly period because his seed would be wasted" (Africa Bible Commentary published by Zondervan). Certainly we are no longer under the demands of the ceremonial law. It seems to me that if couples are in doubt concerning this possibility they should apply the three general principles above.

IDOLATRY

In his must-read book "Counterfeit Gods", published by Hodder, Tim Keller writes that any good thing turned into an ultimate thing is an idol; anything that becomes more important to me than God and without which I cannot live, is an idol; anything that is so central and essential to my life that, should I lose it, my life would feel hardly worth living, has become an idol. Most people know that you can make a god out of money, power, celebrity and sex, but anything can be an idol. Whatever controls me is my Lord. Idols can dominate our lives. They can enslave us. When we look to something or someone, other than God, to give us our sense of identity and to fill our lives with meaning and significance, we have become idolatrous. Idols promise much but deliver little. They turn us into addicts that can never be fully satisfied or find peace.

When we apply these definitions to all that is involved in the marriage relationship, it becomes obvious that many things have the potential to become idols. We could make a god of our spouse, of sex, of our career or ministry, of one or more of our children, of our home and possessions, of our reputation and status. The list is endless. All such idols threaten the health of our marriage as well as our spiritual well-being and walk with God.

Tim Keller suggests some very helpful ways by which we can identify our idols. I need to ask myself: What occupies my mind when I have nothing else to think about? On what do I spend my money – for Jesus said that where my treasure is, there will my heart be also? How do I respond to unanswered prayers and frustrated hopes? Do I become sad and disappointed? What is at the bottom of my most painful emotions? Is it something that is too important to me; something I must have at all costs?

Once identified, how can idols be replaced?

Firstly, I need to understand and to grasp the fact that I have died with Christ and that my life is now hidden with him in God (Colossians 3:1-5). I need to affirm that I have been crucified with Christ and that I no longer live but Christ lives in me. The life I live, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me (Galatians 2:20).

Secondly, with the Holy Spirit empowering me to put to death whatever belongs to my sinful nature, I must repent, submit to God and resist the devil (Galatians 5:16-26; James 4:6-7).

Thirdly, and more importantly, I must appreciate and treasure, more and more, all that Jesus has done for me and rest and rejoice in it. "Fear-based repentance makes us hate ourselves. Joy-based repentance makes us hate the sin." I must renounce whatever might be functioning as my saviour other than Jesus himself, and this could be a trust in my own righteousness. I must learn what it is to worship the Lord in spirit and in truth. It is all about fixing my eyes on Jesus rather than on other things or becoming obsessively introspective. It is about trusting in his cross, in his blood and in his promises. It is about being motivated and taught by grace to say "No" to sin and to love the Lord in a greater and deeper way. "You have to actually get the peace that Jesus gives, and that only comes as you worship."

CONTRACEPTION, STERILISATION & ABORTION

Contraception, or birth control, is the prevention of having children through sexual intercourse, by human choice and control. Mechanical methods include the condom, the diaphragm and the coil. (Many Christians object to the use of the coil as it works by expelling fertilized eggs and could be seen as a form of abortion.) Chemically, contraception can be achieved by pill or injection. Surgical sterilisation is a more permanent solution. Fallopian tubes in females can be tied and spermatic ducts in males can be cut. In neither case is sexual pleasure or performance affected. There are so-called safe periods during a calendar month when a woman is less likely to conceive and there is the even less successful method of withdrawal by the male before ejaculation.

Horrifically, throughout the developed world and especially in the UK, abortion (human intervention to end a pregnancy by drugs or surgical procedures) has, in practical terms, become a legitimate form of contraception. To all intents and purposes it has become abortion on demand to which the medical profession must comply.

Although contraception has undoubtedly encouraged sexual promiscuity and adultery, it is generally seen to have a place in Christian marriage. This is especially the case "when it is mutually agreed upon and seen as a method of postponing, spacing and limiting the bearing of children in order to provide opportunities to complete education and similar commitments". It can also be used "to develop the personal relationship between spouses, and to enable the couple to provide better nurture and support to those children they choose to have." The NT teaches us that in certain circumstances "the demands of faithfulness to God's call to service can take precedence over both marriage and reproduction." This has led some couples to use birth control to remain permanently childless. It is a good thing only "to bear children who can be properly nurtured and given appropriate attention, instruction, love and material resources" (NDCEPT).

A spontaneous or natural abortion is termed a miscarriage and occurs without the use of drugs or surgical procedures. It can be very distressing, especially when it happens a number of times. Couples need to trust in God's sovereignty in such circumstances and receive his emotional healing. When my wife Sue suffered a miscarriage the foetus was sent off for analysis and discovered to be grossly deformed.

Life begins when fertilisation takes place; when a sperm and an egg unite. The Bible clearly states that life comes from God and is a gift; every living soul belongs to him. We are answerable to God for what we do with our own lives and the lives of others. For Christians then, abortion that involves the use of drugs or surgical procedures should be restricted to situations where the mother's life would be in serious danger. Even in such circumstances the woman herself may prefer to accept the risk and trust God concerning the outcome.

I know of a case of rape resulting in pregnancy where the Christian mother chose to give birth to her child who then grew up to become a man of God. His grace was sufficient for her. I know of another Christian mother, married to a church leader, who had suffered greatly through a number of pregnancies and who finally asked for an abortion on physical, emotional and psychological grounds. She just couldn't face the personal risk and the combined pain. I, for one, do not judge or condemn her. I simply accept that the decision was hers and supported her in it. Each case has its own set of circumstances and it's the mother's or the couples' decision. In the UK there is a network of excellent Christian pregnancy crisis centres offering courses and support to those facing such traumatic dilemmas.

Medical tests or scans can reveal abnormalities in foetuses that may lead doctors to advise an abortion. This implies, however, that a handicap or abnormality reduces the worth of an individual and would result in a life that would not be worth living. I know of parents with Downs Syndrome children who are greatly blessed by them and who observe them living happy and fulfilled lives. I know of a couple who were advised to seek an abortion due to a perceived abnormality but allowed the pregnancy to follow its course. In the event a miscarriage occurred. God was left to make the decision.

AIDS & HIV

(Main source NDCEPT)

AIDS is the disease "Acquired Immune-Deficiency Syndrome" which is caused by the "Human Immunodeficiency Virus" (HIV). The latter is blood-borne, and the main route of infection is sexual, but blood or blood products from infected people can pass the virus on. For example, drug addicts have been infected by sharing syringes contaminated by infected blood, and babies have become infected from their HIV-positive mothers during pregnancy or birth, and occasionally through breast milk. It is not contagious through normal social contact, but could be if infected people share the use of their toothbrushes, shaving equipment, or anything else that could harbour traces of their infected blood. It has a long incubation period (up to ten years) when the carrier is virtually symptom free but is still able to infect others.

Just as Jesus came alongside the sick, the weak, the desperate and disadvantaged with the gospel of grace to help and to give hope to the marginalised, so we too, as his disciples have a responsibility towards the victims of HIV. We should avoid a judgemental attitude and demonstrate compassion. A diagnosis of HIV may accompany a lifestyle of drug-taking, homosexuality or promiscuity, but not necessarily so. I do not believe HIV to be the judgement of God against homosexual behaviour. We are in the age of grace. Consider the words of Jesus in Luke 13:1-5. We are all sinners and all need to repent. However, all do need to be brought to repentance, including AIDS sufferers.

A BBC report (summer, 2009) states that AIDS is now the number one overall cause of death in Africa, and kills some 6000 people there, every day. Of the 34.3 million people infected with HIV worldwide, 24.5 million live in Africa, which is more that 70% of the total. It was estimated that there would be approximately 18 million AIDS orphans in Africa by the end of 2010. The problem has been exacerbated by poverty, illiteracy, weak educational and public health systems and the low social status of women. The sad truth is that the person most likely to become infected with AIDS in Africa is a faithful married woman whose husband sleeps around. Her children would be the next in line.

What can Christian leaders do? We must teach what the Bible teaches, as outlined in this chapter, but particularly that God made sex for marriage and that he expects both husband and wife to be faithful to their wedding vows for life. Sex outside of marriage is sinful. The world may disagree, but that is not our concern. Regarding those already infected with HIV, together with their families, we must surely seek God's wisdom and guidance relative to the needs that surround us locally. He will show us what can be done in our specific situation.

In the light of the paragraph above concerning Africa, should not our church planting strategies take these things into account? Should we not be bringing down the stronghold of poverty by preaching in a biblical and balanced way about God's desire to prosper us? Should we not promote literacy and education? Should we not encourage our members to work within our public health systems? And should we not teach and model the fact that, within God's New Tribe (the Church), men and woman are of equal status and value? They have been given different responsibilities by God but each bears his image and each deserves the utmost respect. Many are already promoting these things, but many are not. The Gospel, in all its fullness, is the answer for Africa. Only Jesus can meet its needs.

Book Assignment

Having now looked at this area of marriage in more detail, turn back to the "Scintillating Differences" listed in Chapter 7 and read through these again, paying particular attention to the last section "Sexually". What tensions and frustrations may be caused in marriage by ignorance regarding these differences? List four facts that would have special application in your culture and state why you consider this to be the case.

1              __________________________

2              __________________________

3              __________________________

4              __________________________

Marriage Course Assignment

Look at the two lists: "What makes a great lover" and "What spoils intimacy". Express thankfulness and appreciation for all the positives which are part of your love-making together. Encourage each other by making helpful and specific suggestions for ways in which you could increase one another's sexual pleasure. If you find it extremely difficult to talk openly and honestly about this subject, spend a few moments in prayer together, asking the Father, whose wedding gift you will be discussing, to give you courage. (20 minutes)

CHAPTER TEN

WORKING IT OUT

TOP REQUESTS

At a marriage enrichment seminar I attended, husbands and wives were asked the following question: If you could make a list of 8 requests that you would like to put to your spouse, and that you believe would enhance your marriage and keep it on track, what would they be? Here are the results. As it happens, they are all in line with the teaching of God's Word on marriage. (I believe they will only need adapting slightly for an African context.)

Top requests from wives to husbands

1 Listen to me when I am talking to you; give me your full and undivided attention.  I'm not looking for answers but understanding.

2 Arrange regular relaxing and romantic times with me, just for the two of us, without the children or others being present.

3 Make sure I am in no doubt that I am the most important person in your life; more important than any other family member.

4 Help me in the home with the various tasks and chores, including food shopping.

5 Be transparent, honest and communicative with me, sharing what is on your heart.

6 Discuss with me all that pertains to our children and family so that decisions can be taken together.

7 Make sure there are always things that we do together. Include me in what you are doing.

8 Be completely open and reliable regarding finances, so that we can make decisions together. Let's share all we have.

Top requests from husbands to wives

1 Take special care over your appearance; always trying to look your best and most feminine.

2 Make love to me actively, passionately and frequently.

3 Encourage and affirm me as much as you can, regarding my work, my calling and my ministry. As a father and a husband, gently help me to improve.

4 Be a home maker; creating an atmosphere of peace, harmony and order in our home.

5 Don't nag me, criticize me and judge me as though I were last in your affections and respect, because this is how it makes me feel.

6 When I upset you, tell me about it immediately. I cannot read your mind and we think in different ways and about different things.

7 Whenever you need my help with the children, or in the home, etc., please ask me kindly and respectfully. Don't expect me to see what needs doing, and to do it without being asked.

8 Accept me as I am. God is changing me!

THE LOVE-BANK PRINCIPLE

In his book "His Needs Her Needs", published by Revell, W F Harley unpacks a very helpful principle. It concerns how a spouse encourages and motivates their partner to carry out acts of loving-kindness and to demonstrate an attitude of grace and forbearance towards them.

Every day, each partner commits themselves to making deposits in his or her spouse's emotional bank account. These can be seen as positive encounters which bring pleasure to one's spouse and would include: warmth, kindness, patience, affirmation, a sense of togetherness, encouragement, special care over appearance, forgiveness, acceptance, surprise presents, preparing a favourite meal, unselfishness, making sacrifices for your spouse, listening to understand their feelings, etc.

Every now and then withdrawals will need to be made, for none of us is perfect! That is, we all have bad days when we do not bless our partners with any positive encounters whatsoever, but rather sadden them with negative ones which make selfish demands on them. I am referring to situations marked by coldness, silence, indifference, criticism, non-involvement, being self-absorbed, resentment, playing the blame-game, unkindness, taking our spouse for granted, harsh words and actions, ridicule, rejection, and a host of other ugly things. Where there are many more deposits than withdrawals there is always a way through, but where the withdrawals out-number the deposits by a considerable amount, day in and day out, for years on end, a truly Christian marriage has ceased to exist.

I have witnessed, within a few Christian marriages, an abuse of it being God-ordained as a life-long relationship. The thinking seems to run along these lines: Because my spouse can never divorce me, I am free, from time to time, to flirt with others and to be negligent, inconsiderate, unkind, unloving, disrespectful and apathetic towards him or her. The very institution of marriage is used to justify behaviour which is totally unacceptable. However, we see from Matthew 5:32 and 19:9, that Jesus considered "marital unfaithfulness" justifiable grounds for divorce, even for believers.

Where gross marital unfaithfulness and abusive behaviour exist, divorce could be the lesser of two evils and, in such cases, it would carry God's approval. To say that God never approves of divorce, no matter what the circumstances might be, is surely to contradict the very words of Jesus "except for marital unfaithfulness". What Jesus was actually saying seems to be: "Marriage is for life, unless it contains on-going behaviour that fatally undermines its very nature. If this be the case, divorce is preferable."

THE QUESTION OF DIVORCE

I feel it is appropriate to mention here what I consider to be the biblical grounds for possible divorce because they illustrate withdrawals from the love-bank that can truly be described as marital unfaithfulness. They represent my own conclusions, having studied the biblical material carefully and read a number of books and papers on the subject. While a number of my colleagues whose views I greatly respect would disagree, I have found a surprising number of other church leaders who hold a similar position to my own.

Jesus was asked directly: "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?" How did he reply? He made no mention of marriage vows or marriage ceremonies, for these things, in and of themselves, do not make a marriage. He said that there are three essential components to marriage, namely: leaving parents, becoming one's partner's closest friend and enjoying exclusive love-making. As a man and a woman do this, God joins them together and makes them one. Only when pressed did Jesus go on to say that divorce should not be considered an option unless there had been marital unfaithfulness. I believe the Bible teaches that this unfaithfulness can refer to one or more of the three areas he had stated as being essential to marriage. He did not use the Greek word for adultery, which would have limited the grounds for divorce to just one of the three vital elements. I believe he chose a word that would be understood as an equivalent to the Hebrew expression found in Deuteronomy 24:1. In that verse it is translated "something indecent". Its only other occurrence is found in Deuteronomy 23:14 where it refers to human excrement. Jesus said in effect: "Divorce should not take place, unless, of course, either party has been guilty of serious, extreme and on-going marital unfaithfulness, thereby bringing 'excrement' into their marriage and allowing it to remain there." It is not so much a question of the number of biblical grounds for divorce but the length and depth of the betrayal involved.

A cleaving cannot take place unless there has been a leaving. Where the emotional umbilical cord of the parent/offspring relationship has never been cut, a true marriage has never been established. For example, where a wife's father, or a husband's mother, has always come first in their affections, loyalties and commitments, marital unfaithfulness has been taking place. As grounds for divorce this would obviously need to be having a truly devastating and destructive effect on the marriage and to be accurately described as abuse.

On-going and extreme physical, verbal or sexual abuse is the opposite to love and a total contradiction of the covenant of companionship. It indicates that respect, protection and consideration have been abandoned; that a treasuring of one's spouse, and the sweetness of marriage, have died. This surely is another example of marital unfaithfulness. In an authentic Christian marriage, mutual respect, friendship and companionship will flourish.

Other examples would be abandonment or extreme neglect; violence and other forms of abusive behaviour towards one's children; and a total shut-down in the area of sexual intimacy. Then there is the situation where a spouse changes their sexual orientation and becomes homosexual. To my surprise, I have even encountered the latter in church life.

What of severe and violent on-going persecution by one spouse of the other concerning their Christian faith? 1 Corinthians 7:12-16 implies that "a believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances". Personally, I understand this passage to mean that if an unbelieving spouse chooses to leave, rather than remain in a marriage where they would inevitably persecute their partner for living a normal Christian life, they should be free to do so. Surely the words "God has called us to live in peace" indicate that the possibility of conflict and persecution is in mind?

If the unbelieving spouse is happy for the believing spouse to vigorously pursue their Christian faith and allows them the freedom to do so, including bringing up their children to be disciples of Jesus, the believing spouse must not initiate divorce. But where there is no peace in the home, and the children are being brought up in a war-zone, it may be that the marriage should end. Without doubt, as disciples of Jesus, we are called to suffer persecution and to endure it with patience. However, if, within marriage, that persecution becomes abuse, it will be impossible to "live in peace".

The Law of Moses stated that a man must not be guilty of depriving his wife of food, clothing and marital rights. "If he does not provide her with these three things, she is free to go" (Exodus 21:10, 11). These same three grounds for divorce were written into Jewish and Graeco-Roman marriage documents of the first century. Rabbis taught that conjugal love had to include respect. We are to love our neighbour as we love ourselves. Self-respect must be encouraged by showing respect. Every person's life is of immense value: their peace of mind as well as the health of their physical bodies. "If we have food and clothing we will be content with that" (1 Timothy 6:8). The Greek word translated "clothing" refers to a covering, a shelter, strictly speaking "a roofing", so we could understand this verse as including housing, though Jesus had nowhere to lay his head. "If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever" (1 Timothy 5:8). What then, if a wife or a husband is deprived of such things by their spouse? Concerning marital rights Paul wrote: "The husband should not deprive his wife of sexual intimacy, which is her right as a married woman, nor should the wife deprive her husband" (1 Corinthians 7:3 NLT). But what if one of them does on a permanent basis and for purely selfish motives?

Consider what others have written: "It is strange that Christians, who have been ready enough to see that Jesus, in dealing with other matters of conduct, is not legislating (making laws), have often been reluctant to bring the same consideration to their interpretation of his teaching on marriage and divorce" (R V G Tasker). "If marital unfaithfulness in Matthew 5:32 is interpreted in the way murder is understood in Matthew 5:22, the ground for divorce may be somewhat wider than appears in most of our translations. Paul clearly understood Jesus' teaching as wider than adultery" (Leon Morris). "Divorce should only be allowed in the most extreme cases, where there is gross misconduct such as undermines the whole marriage relationship: adultery, if an unbelieving partner leaves, if there is protracted physical or mental abuse. In these cases there is no other option" (Nicky Gumbel).

Of course, in all these examples which might allow the possibility of divorce, the circumstances must be extreme, the actions correctly described as abuse, every effort already made to save the marriage over a considerable period of time, and all reasonable hope for change lost. If not, they cannot be considered as grounds for divorce. "Except for marital unfaithfulness" is not an opt-out clause. It is an exception clause to cover abuse. Ending a marriage is a very serious step to take. For believers it should only be pursued with the support and blessing of their local church leaders, who would have a thorough knowledge of the unique circumstances involved.

Although God hates divorce he also hates a total mockery of a marriage. He, himself, wrote Israel a certificate of divorce and sent her away (Isaiah 50:1; Jeremiah 3:8). Divorce is as cruel as putting on a murder victim's bloodstained coat (Malachi 2:16). This is a figurative expression for all kinds of gross injustice that leave their mark for all to see. Yet occasionally, a so-called Christian marriage can be equally ugly and cruel. Extreme withdrawals from the love bank would therefore include violence, abuse, sexual unfaithfulness, abandonment, all-round neglect, failure to provide for the basic necessities of life, deprivation of any form of physical intimacy and changing one's sexual orientation.

In short, I believe the love-bank principle shows us the importance of each spouse's right, as a person made in the image of God, to be shown love, kindness and respect and to be encouraged and given the freedom to fulfil God's purposes for their lives. Ultimately a person's humanity is of more importance than their marriage. God has put eternity into the hearts of men and women. Marriage is only for this life.

THE DEBT-PAYMENT PRINCIPLE

Agreeing to marry someone is the acceptance of the responsibility to unselfishly meet that person's marital needs. Marriage is a legal contract, which includes vows made before God. The Bible places a number of responsibilities on those wishing to marry. These are non-negotiable. Marriage is a choice, but one that carries responsibilities freely entered into. It is not for me to insist that my marital needs are met by my spouse, but I should seek to find out if this will be the case before the wedding takes place. Both bride and groom should enter marriage humbly and determined, sacrificially, to meet their spouse's marital needs. Only God can meet their inner needs regarding personal security, significance, a sense of self-worth, peace, joy, a sense of satisfaction and contentment, etc.

Sadly, some enter marriage for the wrong reasons, without any intention of meeting their spouse's marital needs. Or perhaps, through a lack of adequate preparation, they have never considered that this will be their responsibility. In the area of sex, the Bible is explicit and actually adopts the language used in the secular world for the payment of debts.

"The husband should not deprive his wife of sexual intimacy, which is her right as a married woman, nor should the wife deprive her husband. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband also gives authority over his body to his wife. So do not deprive each other of sexual relations" (1 Corinthians 7:3-5 NLT). Pay your debts! "Let no debt remain outstanding" (Roman 13:8)!

The following are the five most commonly identified needs that have been shared with W F Harley at his marriage enrichment seminars. God made us with these needs. It is not for us to judge one another's needs, nor to demand payment from our spouse. When contemplating marriage, if we will not count it a privilege, and see it as a joy and a blessing, to meet our partner's needs, we shouldn't be marrying them. Our acceptance of marriage is our agreement to do all we can, at all times, to meet these needs. If we know we would not be prepared to so, then we would be cheating our future spouse into marriage. I have met a small number of individuals who were so cheated and whose marriages are miserable as a result.

Regarding "an attractive wife looking her best", it is not being implied that only those generally recognised as pretty should marry! The need being expressed is for a wife to make the most of the beauty that God has given to all women, and to her in particular; beauty that is made radiant by the presence of Jesus in her heart.

Not everyone's marital needs will correspond to these lists. Each of us is responsible to find out from our spouse what their needs might be and then to do all we can to meet them.

THE SOWING & REAPING PRINCIPLE

God created Adam from the dust of the ground and put him in the Garden of Eden to take care of it and to develop it. He gave him no detailed instructions. He expected him to have vision, to take the imitative and to organise the work himself. He told him he could eat the fruit of any tree, but forbade him to eat fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. He explained the reason for the prohibition and expected Adam to obey him. He brought the animals he had made to Adam "to see what he would name them". Adam chose the names. (I'm sure God really enjoyed that bit!) Next, God created Eve from one of Adam's ribs to be a companion and a suitable helper for him. He expected Adam to lead her, protect her and include her in all aspects of his life.

The creation account them ends with God's definition of marriage which makes it clear that God expects the man to take the initiative. The man would have to leave his parents; to break free from their control. The man would have to search for, fight for, pursue, woo and win his bride. He would have to cleave to her; stick to her and stick by her, as her closest friend, for life. He would have to meet her need for closeness and sexual intimacy and fully satisfy her until death parted them. All of this would be an authentic proof of his masculinity. He would need to be proactive; an initiator.

In so many marriages, however, this is not the case. Rather than having vision and knowing the direction their lives should take, a large number of men become observers in their married life and in their family life, not even participants; much less initiators! They leave their wives to take on this role and to carry that responsibility. They drift from job to job rather than seeking God for their assigned task and sticking to it until God himself moves them on.

The Bible says we reap what we sow and this applies in marriage as in life generally. God made marriage and "God is not mocked. For whatever a man [or a woman] sows, this he [or she] will also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption" (Galatians 6:8 NASB). And it might also lead to the destruction of their marriage. The tables below gives an indication of what might be reaped in a marriage where sowing takes place that is pleasing to the flesh and not to the Spirit. The separation between what a husband might sow and reap, and what a wife might sow and reap, is only a general one. A few of the components may well be interchangeable for some couples.

In marriage, the main burden of responsibility to take the initiative falls on the husband. If he sows all that is positive, he is almost guaranteed to reap wonderful blessings from his wife. And if she sows all that is good for their relationship, she too will reap great benefits. The human spirit has a great capacity to overlook weaknesses when treated with loving respect and kindness.

Before moving on, it is important to note that the general reaping-what-is-sown principle of Galatians 6:8 even applies where there has been genuine repentance and God's forgiveness received. David committed adultery and murder. Graciously, God forgave him and did not insist on the Law's death penalty being carried out. He even went on to bless David's relationship with Bathsheba, no longer considering it adulterous, and to bless their second child Solomon. However, the consequences of his sin, as prophesied by Nathan, were still worked out in his life and he suffered much because of them. (See 2 Samuel 12:11-14, 24-25.)

In a marriage situation this will call for much grace, forbearance and patience. Where negative things have been sown over a number of years and corresponding responses established, it will take time for change to be brought about. Some consequences may be impossible to reverse, but even in such cases God's grace will be sufficient and lessons can still be learnt.

THE BOUNDARIES PRINCIPLE

Healthy marriages are those in which each partner feels completely free to be themselves, while at the same time accepting and fulfilling all their marital responsibilities towards their spouse. In such an atmosphere, love can grow and develop.

When one partner manipulates and controls the other, love has no room to grow. The same is true when one dominates the other by force of personality, or by pure selfishness. When two people are free to disagree, they are free to love and respect one another. Otherwise they will live in fear and love will die.

When both parties take responsibility together to do what is best for the marriage, love will grow. When they refuse, one will be forced to take on too much responsibility and will resent it, while the other will not take on enough and will become self-centred and manipulative. If we want our marriages to develop in a healthy way, we must learn to say "No" to a controlling or irresponsible spouse. As disciples of Jesus, we are all called to exercise self-control. It is never right to seek to control someone else.

Boundaries are essential in marriage. For believers, regarding all human relationships, the Bible is our objective reference point and the Spirit our inner guide. Generally speaking, what is unacceptable behaviour outside the home must be unacceptable within it. We should not be dropping our standards within marriage; if anything we should be raising them by treating each other with the utmost esteem and respect. As already stated, our marriages should always be adult-to-adult, never adult-to-child.

Marriage does not give me any sort of controlling rights over my spouse. Submission on the part of a wife must be limited to what is godly and biblical. Leadership, as far as a husband is concerned, must always promote the well-being of his wife. A wife is not responsible for her husband, nor should she put the expectations on him that she would put upon herself, when they interact with others. Equally, a husband is not responsible for his wife, nor should he put unrealistic or personal expectations on her. She has her marital responsibilities to fulfil, and so does he. Each needs to establish godly boundaries so that each can live with a clear conscience and with their individual personhood, dreams and aspirations respected and encouraged.

Henry Cloud and John Townsend, in their book "Boundaries" published by Zondervan, bring out the following principles:

Boundaries define ownership regarding such things as feelings, attitudes and behaviour. Each must take ownership for their personal behaviour. We can never truthfully say such things as: "If it were not for you I would be a more loving and responsible person." Taking ownership avoids the blame-game and promotes reconciliation and harmony.

Boundaries define who is responsible for what. I am only responsible for myself and cannot be held responsible for others concerning feelings, attitudes, behaviour, choices, limits, desires, thoughts, abilities, values, expressions of love, etc. We can only change ourselves. I am only responsible for my reactions to my spouse's behaviour, and these I can change. We should never let ourselves be at the mercy of our spouse's behaviour or personal problems. Of course, we should help and support our spouse in every way we can and ask forgiveness where we have failed, but ultimately, I am only responsible for myself, while having certain responsibilities towards others.

Boundaries ensure the individual's freedom. We have the power to choose appropriate responses towards the one who might seek to control and imprison us. Spouses must remain free agents. They are never to allow themselves to become controlled by their partner. Control only works with the willing submission of the one being controlled. A choice is always involved. A wife's submission, in the biblical sense, must always be consistent with God-appointed leadership; that which carries the overall responsibility for the marriage and the family. That leadership must be modelled on Christ's leadership and be one of serving and sacrificing. Wives are always to submit to God before submitting to their husbands. Equally, husbands are to obey God's Word and to resist being manipulated by their wives. God would never approve of any sort of domination, manipulation or control within marriage.

Boundaries protect from evil and guard what is good. A wife may legitimately ask a drunken or an abusive husband to leave in order to protect herself and her children. Husbands should protect each of their children from an unhealthy, smothering relationship with their mother. Wives should do the same regarding harsh or unfair treatment meted out by their father. No spouse should allow the other to dump emotionally on any of their children, whatever their age. Both husband and wife need to have same-sex friends on whom they can unburden themselves. Peers confront as well as empathise. Few children can do this in an unequal adult/child relationship. How much less our own sons and daughters!

Book Assignment

1 In your own words what is meant by the love-bank principle? Do you see it at work in your marriage and family life?

2 The biblical pattern for marriage – that of an equal relationship of mutual love, esteem and respect, where clearly defined roles differ – is still relatively rare. Why is this?

3 Husbands and wives should hold each other with open hands. Whether their spouse remains in the relationship should not depend as much on the permanency of the married state as it does on how they are treated within that state. Do you agree with these statements? If so. why? If not, why not?

4 In what environment can true love develop, grow and flourish?  In what environment does love wither and die?

5 Within your culture, are there biblical boundaries that are seldom if ever put into place? What might these be? Why are they ignored?

Marriage Course Assignment

With which of the "top requests" do you agree, which would you change and what might you add? Discuss your conclusions together.

Share with each other the current state on the deposit side of your emotional love-bank accounts. Write down three things that you would each like your spouse to do so as to improve your relationship.

HUSBAND'S SUGGESTIONS:

1              __________________________

2              __________________________

3              __________________________

WIFE'S SUGGESTIONS:

1              __________________________

2              __________________________

3              __________________________

Are there debts in your marriage that remain outstanding? Share them with your spouse and express appreciation for the payments being made.

How is the sowing and reaping principle working out for you? Are there things you would like to share with your spouse?

Are there healthy boundaries in place in your marriage? Do any changes need to be made? Write down any steps that you need to take.

_______________________________

_______________________________

_______________________________

(20 minutes)

CHAPTER ELEVEN

KEEPING ON TRACK

COMMUNICATING EFFECTIVELY

Effective communication normally involves the use of words that are simple and honest and which express emotions and convictions that have been thought through clearly. Sometimes this can be achieved just by a touch or a look, but only when there exists, in the hearts of both parties, a definite underlying desire to enjoy companionship. Spouses are not mind-readers. The attitude that says: "He (or she) should know why I'm upset, or what needs to be done, without my spelling it out", has prejudged the issue and stubbornly refuses to communicate. We are to think the best of one another, not the worst; to extend grace, not condemnation. Although, as we have seen, women use three times as many words per day as men, some seem to be strangely reluctant to speak when they feel it shouldn't be necessary!

Of course men are notorious as being sadly lacking in the area of marital communication. We often retreat into silence. We need to remember that God created wives for companionship; for sharing with us in all areas of our lives. He made them for their valid, essential and unique contribution in decision making and in resolving issues. We can expect that they will want to be included in pretty well everything! We owe it to them to work hard in the area of communication.

The other side of the coin is the ability and the desire to listen with such focused attention that we are able to detect the unspoken messages and unexpressed emotions behind what is being shared. This takes time and calls for self-sacrifice.

When listening, we should be careful not to jump in with solutions or to interrupt the flow before our spouse has fully expressed what they are seeking to communicate. Listening with empathy is an expression of love, respect and affirmation; it is an effective way of conferring value on our spouse. Often we are too busy, or distracted, even to stop what we are doing in order to listen properly. Sometimes we live lives that are so full, and carry so much responsibility, that if we do not deliberately set time aside for our spouse, they may feel they would be adding to our workload. Out of love for us, they may remain silent and carry their hurts, burdens and frustrations alone. If we are not careful, a breakdown in communication can creep up on us unawares. We can be just too busy and preoccupied to notice.

If we become aware that all is not well between us, we have a responsibility to each other to address the issue. A kind, respectful and non-judgmental approach will rarely be ignored. Three helpful questions to put to your spouse might be: What actually happened here? How has this made you feel? Is there anything I can do to put things right? (Be sure to listen intently to their answer to each question before moving on to the next!)

If your partner has done something to upset you, rather than making an accusation or attacking his or her character, you may find it more helpful to explain how the incident has made you feel. Instead of making remarks like: "You never … " "You always … " "You are so … " we would get better results with statements like: "When you say so-and-so in such a way, it makes me feel unloved and disrespected." "When you fail to show appreciation, I feel of no value." "When you act irresponsibly, I feel both afraid and angry." (This is often referred to as using "I" messages rather than "You" messages.) It has been said that many marriages flounder because there is no forum in which to appropriately express anger and other powerful emotions. We need to make sure this is not the case in our marriages. Let's make it easy to tell each other how we are feeling.

MANAGING CONFLICTS

Festo Kivengere, the Ugandan Bishop, used to tell a story about when he had been going to speak to thousands of people at a rally in Kampala. He was a tiny bit late and as he left he spoke to his wife in some way which he deeply regretted. But he was too late to put it right and had to go. His car was waiting for him and, as it left, he sunk back into the seat and prayed, "Now, Lord, please come with me to this rally in Kampala because I want to bring blessing to lots of people." But the Lord said to him, "What about your wife? You must go back and apologise." He replied, "Lord, I'm late. I honestly haven't time, but I will apologise when I get back." So the Lord gave Festo a choice. He said, "You go on to Kampala on your own and I will stay with your wife. Or you go back and apologise to her." So he said to the driver, "I've forgotten something. We must go back." So back he went and apologised to her. And the Lord and he went on to the rally and it was a great blessing.

A theme of Proverbs is the nagging wife. All men know that nagging never works and is counter-productive! "A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day" (19:13; 27:15). "Better to live on the corner of a roof (or in a desert) than share a house with a quarrelsome (and ill-tempered) wife" (21:9, 19; 25:24). I once read a book called "Do yourself a favour love your wife!" by H Page Williams, published by Briggs-Logos. (It is still available and well worth the read.) Its basic premise is that a husband determines how his wife responds to him by what he initiates. If it's loving kindness he gets respect and warmth back. If it's criticism or plain neglect he asks to be nagged! Both nagging and negligence contribute to marriage conflicts.

There will be times of conflict in every marriage because no two personalities are the same and no one can respond consistently in a positive way through every circumstance of life. We are all flawed. No one is perfect. Things go wrong. We all feel unwell at times. We all have a point at which our patience runs out. The question is how quickly and how thoroughly can we resolve our differences? "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold" (Ephesians 4:26, 27).

During over 40 years of marriage, I have made it my goal to resolve all conflicts the same day they occur, and to take the initiative in doing so, no matter which of us I feel is most to blame. I do not want the devil in my marriage! It requires dying to self and a willingness to eat humble pie, but we can count on God's grace to help us. He has never failed me, although there has been the occasional lapse on my part. Husbands, what God has done for me he can do for you.

A word to wives: If your husband seldom or never takes the initiative in resolving conflicts and this is always left to you, why not try an "I" message? May be something like: "Every time I find myself initiating reconciliation between us, especially when I feel that less of the blame lies at my door, I have to fight off resentment and feel both vulnerable and afraid." He should thereby be challenged to become more of a leader and to offer you protection and security.

When a conflict arises, it may help to agree to take time out and to talk the matter through later in the day. At the designated time, each should be given an opportunity to share the aspect of the conflict that has upset them, how it made them feel and how they would like to see it resolved. Their spouse should listen intently without interruption, seeking to understand what is not being said as well as what is being said. Some issues may need the input of a trusted third party. Never look to your own children for help in such matters. Always seek out your peers, or those with more experience. However, harmony between husband and wife needs to be restored the same day, even if a long-term solution hasn't been achieved.

Conflicts may arise either out of negligence: a failure to make your spouse happy, or out of marital unfaithfulness in the broadest sense: words and actions that make your wife or husband unhappy. Negligence includes the failure to care, to protect and to meet your spouse's marital needs. Marital unfaithfulness is the intentional doing of harm to your spouse in contradiction of your marriage vows.

Overcoming Marriage Difficulties

Here are a few suggestions:

1 Make sure you are obeying biblical teaching and fulfilling your responsibilities as a disciple of Jesus, a member of your church, as a husband or wife and as a father or mother, regardless of whether or not your spouse is playing their part.

2 Make sure you are doing your best to meet your spouse's marital needs and are not holding back in order to deprive, hurt or manipulate your spouse, or to protect your own feelings.

3 Try your best to create an environment of peace, security, happiness, respect, gratitude, encouragement and esteem in your home.  Make sure it is not characterized by passivity, rage, abuse, criticism, judgementalism, ridicule, coldness, rejection or neglect.

4 Work hard at removing any barriers (or strongholds) of pride, selfishness, unforgiveness, disobedience to God, worldliness, blaming one another, blaming others, etc., that have been set up in your hearts.

5 Seek mutual agreement as to how marital problems and difficulties are to be handled. Refuse to make unilateral decisions. "Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?" (Amos 3:3)

Although what follows applies to many situations, it is certainly relevant to marriage and to family life.

Definitions of Conflict

(Does any of this sound familiar?!)

1 Conflict is a situation in which two people desire goals which they perceive as being attainable by one or the other, but not by both.

2  Conflict occurs anytime there is a disturbance in the equilibrium and security of a protective environment (like the home).

3 Conflict arises when the actions of one party threaten the values, goals or behaviour of another party.

4 Conflict is two or more objects aggressively trying to occupy the same space at the same time.

5 Conflict is two or more persons each trying to have his, or her, own way regarding an important decision.

Styles of Conflict Management

SELF-DECEIVED OSTRICH (Avoiding)

These large swift-running flightless birds are believed to bury their heads in the sand when in danger (though I am told this is a myth). They stand for those who try to avoid conflict at all costs. They tell themselves that the problem will go away if ignored. Their motto is: "I will stay out of this!" with the inevitable result: "You lose; I lose!"

However, there may be times within marriages when avoiding conflict is appropriate:

- In an insignificant temporary situation

- When the situation is not my responsibility

- When those involved are fragile and immature

- When differences are irreconcilable

COMPLIANT PUPPY (Accommodating)

Puppies, when confronted by a larger dog, are quick to lie on their backs and to assume a position of submission. Their motto is: "I give in!" with the inevitable result: "You win; I lose!"

There again, this attitude may be appropriate within marriage, even on the part of a husband, when:

- A situation is insignificant or temporary

- When I am unsure of my position

- When the long-term relationship is more important than the issue in question

- When several good solutions are being considered

WISE OLD OWL (Collaborating)

In the western world the owl is considered serious and wise because of its appearance when perched and scanning the ground for its prey. Its wisdom provides the motto: "Let's work together for everyone's good" with the sure result: "You win; I win!"

This approach is appropriate in the vast majority of conflicts, especially those involving long-term relationships, but it requires time and mature participants. Immaturity is the enemy of conflict resolution. The Bible says that sacrificial love is only possible for the mature. For many married couples with on-going unresolved conflicts, the answer for each party is simply to grow up and become an adult!

WILY FOX OR HARE (Compromising)

Foxes in the west and hares in Africa are considered to be clever, but in a cunning and sly way. Their motto might be: "I will meet you half way." The result in such cases is: "We both win some and lose some."

The let's-meet-each-other-halfway approach to resolving conflicts is appropriate:

- When collaboration fails

- When opposing parties are stubbornly committed to different goals and solutions

- When goals and solutions of all parties are valid and are not worth fighting over

- When only a short time is available

AGGRESSIVE SHARK (Competing)

In the west the shark is a symbol of someone who, unscrupulously, exploits others. In their own environment these marine fish are greedy, voracious and violent. Their motto would be: "I will get my way!" with the result: "I win; you lose!"

It is hard to believe that this approach could ever be appropriate in resolving conflicts, but sometimes it is, i.e. when a decision has to be made quickly, or when an extremely difficult or dangerous issue needs to be faced and dealt with. Such decisions fall to leaders, that is, to those for whom there will be accountability. In marriage the buck stops with the husband. He is the leader of his marriage and his family, and God will hold him accountable.

TEARFUL CROCODILE (Manipulating)

There is a belief that crocodiles weep while devouring or alluring their prey. This has given rise to the expression "crocodile tears", i.e. grief and sadness which is insincere or even completely false. Their purpose is to manipulate a situation and win sympathy. The motto is the same as for the aggressive shark: "I will get my way!" with the same result: "I win; you lose!" But the method is very different. It should not be surprising that a husband known to beat his wife will often shed tears and make promises to change, only to return to violent ways almost immediately.

It would seem, the only time such a method could be justified is when used as a ruse to save another from obvious disaster.

PONDEROUS MONKEY (Procrastinating)

The monkey, sitting on a branch in the pouring rain and soaked to the skin, thinks to himself: "Tomorrow I will build a house"! Of course he never does. His motto is: "Always put off until tomorrow what can possibly be avoided today" with the result, concerning the management of conflicts: "I might win; you will probable lose!"

This approach may be appropriate, but only early on in a conflict, while believing for a general improvement in the relationship.

(I adapted and expanded this analysis from some notes I was given by a counsellor, so I am unable to acknowledge its source. I found it very helpful in identifying my own tendencies when dealing with conflicts or tying to avoid them. I found that I would start by using one style, only to switch abruptly to another if I was failing to reach my desired goal! To my shame, I had rarely been looking for a "win/win" solution!)

When a husband and wife can identify and agree with each other on their default tendency, a better way of handling their conflicts can be found. This calls for honesty and humility and a willingness to embrace God-given responsibility and God-directed submission.

As a general rule, I believe it is the husband's responsibility to initiate reconciliation; to try to restore peace and harmony after a conflict; to be the first to apologise (and there will always be something, however small, for which an apology should be made). It is part of the leadership role. The disciple of Jesus will want to be obedient to his commandments and he taught us take the first step; whether we have something against another or we understand them to have something against us (Matthew 5:23; 18:15).

A few "don'ts" and reminders to end with: Don't attack your spouse personally. Don't make sweeping generalisations, using "you" accusations, like: "You always blame someone else. You always react angrily. You never think of me. You only ever think about yourself." Don't resolve never to lose an argument. Don't forget the destructive power of words. Don't bring up old grievances. Don't widen the issue.

SHOWING FORBEARANCE

Unrealistic expectations ruin marriages. No one can bear a situation in which they always feel "weighed in the balances and found wanting". How many of us can still hear from childhood: "You can do much better." "You are not trying hard enough." "That's just not good enough." "Why can't you be like your brother (or sister)?" This can become: "Why can't you be like so-and-so's husband (or wife)?" We need to accept one another as we are and not to expect too much. We all fail at times and need to be quick to forgive one another when this occurs.

Forbearance is like forgiving someone even before they have wronged us. It is the attitude that decides beforehand to refrain from making an issue out of our spouse's short-comings and failings. Before your partner lets you down in some way, you have already decided that you will overlook it and let it go. Obviously, where there are serious problems involved, they need to be addressed, but we should never be guilty of making a mountain out of a mole hill. Forbearance avoids this. It is a godly characteristic. "The Lord has compassion on those who fear him for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust" (Psalm 103:13, 14). "The Spirit helps us in our weakness" (Romans 8:26). "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathise with our weaknesses" (Hebrews 4:15). "While we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). If God extends sympathy towards human weakness, how much more should we? If Jesus was willing to lay down his life for us while we were living sinful, self-centred and God-ridiculing lives, how much more should we demonstrate a forbearing attitude towards our spouse?

Forbearance paves the way for love to cover over a multitude of sins; for conflicts to be nipped in the bud; for grace, kindness and forgiveness to be extended; for harmony to be maintained; for an acceptance of one another without the need to conceal any inadequacies.

FORGIVING FROM THE HEART

Forgiveness is the refusal to keep a record of wrongs. It is an on-going indispensable ingredient of a happy marriage. When I hold on to unforgiveness, and constantly rerun in my mind the sins committed against me by my spouse, I become increasingly bitter and resentful. The inevitable consequence is the creation of a root of bitterness, which, once established, will grow up, cause trouble and contaminate many (Hebrews 12:15). It will defile my family, my friends and my church. I will defile my marriage if I bring unforgiveness into it regarding others, especially involving my own father or mother. Because of all this, we will look at the issue in a broad manner.

Forgiveness does not mean just putting something behind me, or believing if ignored it will go away. It means dealing decisively with what happened. It means clearly defining the wrong done and the negative emotions it engendered in me. It demands compassion towards the offender and their restoration in my affections. It is never easy and always comes at a cost to the one granting it.

On what basis should I forgive others? Not on the basis of the offender being truly sorry and asking for forgiveness. They may never reach that point. "I'm really sorry; I have failed you miserably" is not at all easy to say and requires genuine humility. No, it must be based on an awareness of how much God has forgiven me, and what it cost him to be able to do so. See for example Mark 11:25; Ephesians 4:32 and Colossians 3:14.

What enables me to forgive and to maintain a forgiving stance? The grace of God. I cannot do it in my own strength, but with God, all things are possible. We may say we could never forgive such-and-such, but the truth is we are choosing not to forgive. Some mistakenly think it would be wrong to forgive the most terrible of crimes, feeling they would be condoning evil actions by so doing. However, we need to distinguish between forgiveness and justice. It is our duty to forgive. It is God's responsibility to establish justice. Similarly, it is not for us to try to get even. Forgiveness releases us from that. God says: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay" (Hebrews 10:30). If he doesn't do it in this life, he will do so in the next, unless of course the person repents.

The devil fools me into believing that unforgiveness gives me some form of power over others, whereas the reality is that I have myself become the devils captive and am under his power. 2 Corinthians 2:11 teaches us that when we fail to forgive we have been outwitted by Satan and taken in by his evil scheming. In the Bible the various Hebrew and Greek words translated forgiveness bring out the following meaning: bringing those who are estranged into a unity – making them one; dealing graciously with another; passing by or overlooking an offence; covering sin. The Bible also provides us with three very helpful pictures of forgiveness, each demonstrating different aspects of its meaning.

Releasing a Prisoner

Jesus said: "Forgive and you will be forgiven" (Luke 6:37), which literally means: "release and you will be released". While I refuse to forgive, I foolishly think I have some hold over that person. If I say "I will never forgive them for what they did to me!" it is like saying "I will always keep them in the prison I have created for them and never let them out!" The tragedy is I am the one incarcerated. Holding on to unforgiveness is like being chained hand and foot and shut into a dungeon. It is also like chaining myself emotionally to the offender.

I have only forgiven my spouse, or any other person, when I have released him or her from the prison of failure I have constructed for them; when I have restored them to the place in my heart of maximum intimacy, openness and acceptance; and when I have completely let the matter go, refusing to revisit the pain and resentment ever again. On the other hand, while I am withholding forgiveness I will be handed over by God to "the jailers to be tortured" until I learn to forgive from the heart (Matthew 18:21:35). Jesus must have been referring to demonic forces.

In a counselling session, I once saw the power of unforgiveness grossly distort a person's face as they wrestled satanic powers in order to forgive their father and step mother. They were being tortured. But as soon as they gained the victory their expression was transformed into one of peace, joy and light. (Of course their torture had been going on for years but was brought to a peak as they wrestled with the decision to forgive.)

Cancelling a Debt

Jesus taught us to pray "Forgive us our debts as we also have forgiven our debtors" (Matthew 6:12). Sin is considered a debt. Every child of God has been forgiven for all their sin: past, present and future. In this sense, all their debts with God have been cancelled. The proclamation of the gospel is the proclamation of the forgiveness of sins (Acts 13:38). We are to forgive because we have been forgiven. In the parable of the unforgiving servant referred to above, his master had taken pity on him, cancelled his debt and let him go, yet this same servant refused to cancel a tiny debt owed to him by another.

I have only forgiven my spouse when I have cancelled the debt owed to me by them in terms of his or her responsibility to meet my marital needs and to fulfil the vows they made to me on our wedding day. I have only forgiven my spouse when, putting the past behind me, I have chosen to believe that in the future we will both be committed to meeting one another's marital needs and to fulfilling our vows to each other.

Forgiveness exists when past failures cease to be revisited. We owe each other respect, loving-kindness, protection, trust, friendship, compassion, faithfulness, etc., but often fail to pay our debts. Forgiveness cancels the debt and releases our spouse from their past failures. There is, however, a debt that remains for life. It is the "the continuing debt to love one another" (Romans 13:8).

Lifting A Load

This picture of forgiveness from the OT is a truly beautiful one. It sees the wrong done as being lifted from the drooping shoulders of the guilty party and carried away by their partner to another place, out of sight and out of mind (Psalm 2:85; Isaiah 53:4). It is especially relevant to a situation in which the wrong-doer is genuinely heartbroken over their unfaithfulness, no matter what form that might have taken, and longs for the marriage to be healed. Their fear is that they will not be forgiven. The gracious action of their spouse in lifting their unbearable weight of guilt and failure, mirrors God's gracious action in removing our sin from us "as far as the east is from the west" (Psalm 103:12). God's forgiveness is so undeserved that it should cause us to fear him and stand in awe of him (Psalm 130:4). And it should surely motivate us to extend forgiveness to others, especially to our spouse.

Absorbing The Pain

Forgiveness involves both a crisis and a process. I must not only get to the place where I forgive from the heart – release the prisoner, cancel the debt and lift the load – I must also begin to absorb the pain of the wrong done to me. If not, I will become increasingly self-absorbed and either openly or secretly, directly or indirectly, actively or passively, consciously or sub-consciously, taken up with a desire to inflict pain on the one who has hurt and damaged me. I can do this in a number of ways. I can withhold relationship. I can hope that they will be paid back through adverse circumstances or by the actions of others. I can tarnish their reputation. I can viciously confront them with harsh and hurtful words. I can even initiate actions that will inflict pain and destruction on them. But if I engage in any of this, I will corrupt my own character.

As Tim Keller writes in his excellent book "The Reason for God" published by Hodder, someone has to absorb the pain. It won't just go away of its own accord. Biblical forgiveness demands that the one who has been wronged suffers the agony of the hurt inflicted. Initially the pain will seem unbearable, but once I have truly forgiven from the heart it will begin to ease and the wound start to heal. I will have ceased to fuel my resentment and my victim mentality. Gradually, I will become aware of a greater sense of peace over the issue and of wholeness within my heart. It will take time; may be a number of years. Forgiveness will be complete once the wound has healed. My heart-attitude towards the perpetrator will then be one of compassion, acceptance and unconditional love. I will have passed through a kind of death into a kind of resurrection and only desire all that is good for them.

On the cross, Jesus absorbed the debt of our sin with all the pain and suffering that was involved. Forgiveness could only be offered once the debt had been paid. Who are we to withhold forgiveness from others, and even from ourselves, when we have been forgiven so much at such a cost? Disciples of Jesus are called to take up their cross and to follow in his footsteps. Serious pain will always be involved.

Let's give Joseph the last word. He was able to see and appreciate the sovereignty of God in his ill-treatment. So can we.  'But Joseph said to them [his brothers], "Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. So then, don't be afraid. I will provide for you and your children." And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them' (Genesis 50:19-21).

PRAYING TOGETHER

It is often said: "The family that prays together stays together". Parents are responsible for the spiritual development of their children and significant progress can be made through reading God's Word and praying together for a short time each day. This needs to be done informally and in an engaging and appropriate way, relative to the age range of the children. Questions need to be encouraged. Parents need to be transparent. Make it a fun time; something to be looked forward to. Include quizzes. If possible use colourful and humorous children's' Bible story books. Encourage the children to pray and make sure both husband and wife participate.

It seems that for some couples, whilst they can take part to some extent in family devotions, they find it hard to pray together and to read God's Word together. Where this is the case, the underlying causes need to be addressed. For Christian couples, building a strong Christian marriage will not only bless our family, our local church and our community, it is our responsibility before God. Each of us needs our own personal "quiet time" but when husband and wife pray and read the Bible together on a regular basis, even for a short period of time, both their spiritual lives and their marriage will be strengthened.

What might be some of the reasons for our reluctance? There may be secrets we have never shared; a fear that an advantage would be taken were we to make ourselves vulnerable. Pride may be the issue, or crippling self-consciousness. We may appear to be in a good place with God but are somewhat backslidden. Our spirituality may only be skin deep. We may feel it is not a priority; not that important. We may be harbouring resentment; keeping a record of wrongs.

When we get together before God, as husband and wife, the Holy Spirit is given opportunity to speak into our hearts and to put his finger on any hypocrisy, lack of forgiveness, lack of kindness, lack of love or tenderness, etc., and lead us to repentance and to heart unity. Just as a lack of consideration and understanding between husband and wife hinders prayer, so unity turns it into a powerful weapon of spiritual warfare. The intercession of a godly couple brings down the enemy's strongholds.

Book Assignment

1 What constitutes effective communication? What are the essential ingredients?

2 Which style of conflict management do you adopt? Why do you think this to be the case?

3 What is forbearance?

4 What are the essential lessons to be learned from the three pictures of forgiveness presented above? What does it mean to absorb the pain of forgiveness?

5 What blessings can be added to a marriage when husband and wife pray and read God's Word together?

Marriage Course Assignment

What hinders effective communication in your marriage? Are there any no-go areas? What can be done to eliminate them? (5 minutes)

Discuss together how each of you sees the other in terms of styles used to manage conflicts within your relationship. How can you each become the wise old owl? (5 minutes)

Look together at the three pictures of forgiveness and the need to absorb the pain. Do either of you feel there are unresolved issues between you, or between either of you and a third party? If so, make a note of them and determine to discuss them fully as soon as possible and to resolve them. (5 minutes)

Discuss the benefits to a marriage and to family life that result from husband and wife praying and reading the Bible together. Do you do this regularly as a couple? If not, why not? If so, in what ways might your shared devotional times be improved? (5 minutes)

CHAPTER TWELVE

LIVING BY GRACE

UNDERSTANDING GRACE

In a Christian marriage both husband and wife, as disciples of Jesus, are being continuously transformed into his image; the very image of God which was disfigured by Adam's disobedience. As we contemplate the Lord's glory in heart worship and praise, the Holy Spirit changes us so that we become increasingly more like him. See 2 Corinthians 3:18. By the time we see him face to face, that transformation will be complete and we shall indeed be like him (1 John 3:2). The glory of Jesus was seen as the fullness of grace and truth. "We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth … For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came [into being; were realised] through Jesus Christ" (John 1:14-17).

Christian marriage should be characterised by grace (unconditional love, undeserved favour, compassion, kindness, forbearance, forgiveness; the over-looking of the short-comings, failings, weaknesses and sins of one's spouse). Adopting a legalistic or holier-than-thou attitude towards one's husband or wife should be powerfully and resolutely resisted. Neither should see themselves as a spiritual policeman or policewoman regarding their partner. There should be no searching for faults; no foisting of our own personal standards on each other; no judgementalism and no condemnation. We are to be like Jesus to each other: full of grace and truth.

What made Jesus angry? Rather than common human failings it was hypocrisy, unbelief, hardness of heart, the placing of obstacles in the way of those wanting to come to him and the failure to respond with repentance to the miracles he performed. Who grieved him? Those who missed their opportunity to receive his love. What was his attitude then towards sinful men and women? He attended their parties. He invited himself to their houses for meals. He looked for the best in their motives. He understood their weaknesses. Why did he come? It was not to judge or to condemn the world, nor even to enforce the Ten Commandments. Rather he came to proclaim the good news that God will freely forgive all who have broken them, if they will repent and put their trust in him. He came to seek and to save the lost.

A clear distinction is made in John 1:17, not only between law and grace, but between law and truth. The truth is a person. Jesus said "I am the truth". Believers understand truth as "the truth that is in Jesus" (Ephesians 4:21), and as expressed in his words: "Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life, but whoever rejects the Son will not see life, for God's wrath remains on him" (John 3:36). Paul expressed the truth in these words: "God made him who knew no sin to become sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God" (2 Corinthians 5:21). Grace and truth are intertwined. They do not stand in contrast. Each describes the other.

Jesus said to his disciples: "As the Father has sent me, I am sending you" (John 20:21). He requires, of all of his followers, that they extend grace to all others and proclaim the truth that is the message of that grace. He will not be represented by legalism in any way, shape or form! Just as this applies to the mission of his church, so it applies to Christian marriages and Christian families.

Jesus said that we are not to judge others (Matthew 7:1). We should not judge fellow believers (Romans 14:4). We are not to judge the world (Luke 13:1-5), although church leaders are to judge wayward members (1 Corinthians 5:12). In fact, the only person all believers are encouraged to judge is themselves (1 Corinthians 11:31)! We are certainly not to sit in judgement on our husband or wife, yet this is the very thing many Christian spouses seem to think they should do! (In this sense to judge means to try, in a legal manner, to condemn and to pronounce sentence. However, the word also means to evaluate and appraise, without prejudice but with plenty of grace, in order to find solutions. In the NT the former is prohibited, except in extreme cases requiring church discipline. The latter is positively encouraged.)

RECEIVING GRACE

Our calling to extend grace to each other as husband and wife on every occasion is far from easy. Without a personal understanding and experience of God's grace in our own walk with him, it is impossible. Without abiding in Jesus, it cannot happen. Without constantly receiving it from God, we will be incapable of passing it on. However, the good news is that "he gives us more and more grace", through the power of his Spirit, to overcome the selfish desires that battle within us. "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble" (James 4:1-6). Grace empowers us.

"From the fullness of his grace have we all received one blessing after another" (John 1:16). F F Bruce comments: "The thought is of the inexhaustible recourses of grace ('grace upon grace') which the people of Christ find in him, and on which they may fully draw." There is an infinite extent to all of God's resources and he is fully aware of our essential need of grace. He is the only source. And he assures us "My grace is sufficient for you" (2 Corinthians 12:9). It is sufficient in supply, and sufficient in power, to cover every situation.

Some find it difficult to be on the receiving end of grace. Our pride can get in the way. We may feel that we have let our spouse down so badly that we are beyond their forgiveness. We may feel so undeserving of grace that we feel it would be "wrong" not to suffer their rejection. This kind of thinking can have tragic consequences and can even lead to marriage break-up. It is the work of the enemy and has its roots in pride. Just as God will only deal with us on the basis of grace so we too need to carry out all our dealings with one another on the same foundation.

EXTENDING GRACE

Marriage is a life-long assignment. It is of paramount importance that both husband and wife never stop working at their relationship. Through the changing times and seasons of marriage, the challenges that come will vary greatly. A victory won yesterday may need to be won in a different way tomorrow. If we see adapting to one another, and maintaining a harmonious relationship, as part of our development as disciples of Jesus, we will be motivated in a godly way. In what areas of marriage do we most need to be sure to extend grace? I can think of twelve.

1 In the area of unrealistic expectations

We all enter marriage with a number of expectations. Some will be reasonable; some may be totally unrealistic. Some are essential, and if not realised, will seriously endanger our relationship. (These would include enjoying first place in our spouse's affections and loyalties above extended family members; experiencing a level of companionship and friendship that allowed nothing and no one to come between us; and delighting in full and uninhibited sexual intimacy.) Some expectations may threaten to put a strain on our spouse that they would never be able to support. (These would include their having all the endowments of the perfect husband or wife; their never falling short regarding fulfilling their marital responsibilities; and their meeting our deep God-given personal needs for significance, security, acceptance and a sense of value.)

We need the grace of God to recognise and renounce unrealistic expectations. We also require the grace of God to understand what traumatic experiences might have given rise to such expectations. In such circumstances we will need grace to seek help from others in order to find healing and freedom in Christ.

2 In the area of childlessness

In some cultures, where a wife fails to produce children for her husband, he is free to divorce her. As we have already seen, in a Christian marriage children are an additional blessing. Such a marriage is complete without them. When a couple remain childless, but would dearly love to have a family, they need to accept the possible causes: there may be something physically wrong with either the husband or the wife; there may be emotional problems preventing conception; there may be a need for a victory in spiritual warfare; or, may be, the Lord is preventing a pregnancy for specific reasons known only to him.

Whatever the cause, grace is needed to be patient, to treat each other with kindness and compassion, to refrain from apportioning blame and to accept the will of God. Perhaps he wants the couple to adopt. Perhaps one would be happy to do so but the other knows they would be incapable of accepting the child of another as though he or she were their own.  Of course it is best to talk such possibilities through before the wedding, but where a couple have not been able to conceive, God’s grace is still sufficient for them. Their marriage will not only survive, but can actually be strengthened through the experience.

3 In the area of competence

It is very sad to hear a husband or a wife running their spouse down in public; criticising and even ridiculing them for their short-comings. It is especially heart-breaking when it involves a lack of competence in do-it-yourself skills, needlework, car mechanics, specialised cooking, activities involving academic ability or athletic coordination, etc., all of which demand natural or specifically acquired skills. It is so important for spouses to accept one another as they are with all their limitations. Grace needs to be extended, for example, towards a husband who lacks practical skills and a wife whose cooking is pretty dire, no matter what is on the menu! Love protects. Love appreciates and encourages another's strengths and overlooks weaknesses.

4 In the area of spirituality

Spouses are not responsible for one another's spirituality. What I mean by this is a husband should not be expected to "pastor" his wife, nor a wife oversee the spiritual development of her husband. Neither should be made to feel that this is part of their marriage job description. These are the responsibilities of their local church leaders. If they are members of the same church, which surely needs to be the case, they will both be expected to submit to the same team of leaders. This frees up each spouse to influence the spiritual development of their husband or wife primarily by praying for them and by setting them an example, particularly in their own commitment and devotion to God, and in their own faithfulness to their marriage vows. Just as it is grace, not law, that teaches us to say no to sin, so it is grace on the part of our spouse, not judgementalism, that will influence us to draw near to God.

I was once asked to read a Christian book on marriage that strongly insisted it was a husband’s duty to pastor his wife. The authors based their teaching on Ephesians 5:25-33, applying the whole passage directly to marriage. They concluded that Christian wives owed exclusive obedience in spiritual matters (and in all other issues) to their husbands, rather than to local church leaders. I know of a Christian couple in effective ministry whose marriage tragically ended in divorce due to the husband’s insistence on shepherding his wife in a very heavy-handed way. She felt patronised, imprisoned, manipulated and controlled.

I am disturbed by the possibility of a church leader’s wife resisting all the gracious attempts of her female Christian friends to get alongside her and to minister into her obvious needs, and insisting that it is her husband’s responsibility to speak into her life on such matters. He is likely to be very protective of her and to simply overlook her short-comings. Of course, as fellow disciples of Jesus Christ, it can be very beneficial and a great blessing when husband and wife can say: "There is no one I trust more to help me see and deal with my weaknesses than my spouse."

5 In the area of sexual intimacy

The Greek word "charis" translated "grace" means a gracious favour or benefit bestowed on the undeserving, and at the same time it means the gratitude appropriate to the grace received. Sexual intimacy that satisfies and strengthens love should engender a sense of thankfulness, appreciation and wonder – that one human being could give such pleasure to another. The more I see love-making as a gracious favour bestowed on the undeserving, rather than merely as a debt owed to me by my spouse, the more beautiful and God-glorifying our sexual intimacy will be. The more I extend grace to my spouse when things don't quite go according to plan, the more quickly our difficulties will be resolved.

Rejection and ridicule have fangs that tear the soul apart. Disaster lurks where they intrude into the area of sexual intimacy. The latter calls for such extremes of vulnerability that anything but a gracious response will undermine the relationship. Many have a fear of failure in this area and any humiliation can be devastating, as can having to cope with prudish tendencies which may have come about by wrong teaching. A fulfilling and wholesome sex life takes time to build. How can this be achieved? By grace. By patience, loving kindness and persistent reassurance.

6 In the area of damaged emotions

Many enter marriage without realizing they are carrying a lot of negative emotional baggage into this new relationship. Few reach their wedding day without having been inwardly damaged in some way by adverse circumstances, cruel authority figures or self-absorbed family members. We are born into a fallen world and are at the mercy of its evil prince, until we invite Jesus into our lives. The devil takes full advantage, especially of the youngest and most vulnerable, using every negative situation to fill our minds with his lies, and to construct strongholds that would keep us in bondage.

Unfortunately, inner wounds will always manifest themselves through well established sinful conditions. These might include judging God falsely and wrongly; seeking to earn God's love; always taking on too much; storing up emotions rather than dealing with them appropriately; having to be in control of everything; seeking out substitutes for God's love; a stubborn refusal to forgive; and idolatry, that is allowing something or someone to replace God in our deepest affections.

Once we are enlightened as to our need for inner healing and deliverance, it is our personal responsibility to fully cooperate with the Holy Spirit and with brothers and sisters in Christ who seek to help us to find freedom in Christ. We owe it to our spouse and children to deal with the past, to forgive those who have hurt us, to seek to forget these debilitating experiences, and to press on to take hold of that for which Jesus took hold of us (Philippians 3:12-14). This process is often a protracted one and demands an abundance of grace, particularly on the part of the one whose spouse has been seriously damaged emotionally.

7 In the area of past hurts and failures

As a couple, how can we make sure that the past is behind us? How can we extend grace to a spouse who has seriously hurt us or failed us? How can God's grace enable us to forgive ourselves when we are the guilty party? In a general sense we have already covered this, but here I would like to underline the need to achieve closure on past failure and to move forward to embrace the good plans God has for us.

First of all we need to make sure we are not in denial. Where there is disharmony in our marriage, disrespectful treatment of a spouse, unusual and extreme responses to crisis situations, inappropriate interaction with others, the presence of self-pity, a lack of real appreciation for help being offered, etc., these things will almost certainly not have escaped the attention of our closest friends and extended family. We need to cultivate the sort of relationship with at least one of our Christian friends of the same gender, to whom we are happy to be accountable and with whom we are willing to be completely transparent.

We then need to own up to our failings, confess them, ask forgiveness from God and from others involved, forgive ourselves, receive God's inner healing, and finally leave the matter behind. If we keep returning to it with self-recriminations and morbid self-rejection, we not only keep ourselves in bondage, but we make it unbearable for those we have hurt and who have had the grace to forgive us. God's grace is always sufficient for us when we deal with reality, no matter how horrific that reality might be. His grace cannot deal with issues and attitudes that remain concealed in darkness, that are ill-defined or that are hidden behind false spirituality.

8 In the area of things that irritate us

We looked at this when considering the suitability of a possible spouse. We should not ignore things that really do irritate us right at the beginning of our relationship. They may put a question mark over our compatibility. But, as the years go by, little things about our spouse may begin to annoy us.

We need God's grace. If we know it would be hurtful to mention them, we must get to the place where they cease to be an issue. If we are holding onto resentment over other issues, then they will loom large. If we are keeping no record of wrongs they can easily be dealt with. What helps turn an irritation into an occasion for thankfulness is a renewed appreciation of the many positive aspects of our spouse's character. Then we could think about all the little things we do ourselves which could possibly irritate our spouse. They probably do! We might be taking ourselves too seriously, on the one hand, and not being serious enough about making sure we are a positive blessing, on the other. Irritation fades as we extend grace.

9 In the area of personality differences

Opposites attract. Most married couples find their personalities and temperaments to be very different. This can be extremely helpful when working as a team in parenting our children and when called upon to counsel others. We will approach issues from different angles, with different perspectives and be able to identify ourselves with different responses. We will complement one another.

However, the corollary of this is that there will be times within marriage when one of us wants to do this and the other wants to do that; when one feels a certain course of action should be taken and the other disagrees and would take a different line; when one would respond to a situation in a particular way and finds themselves expecting their spouse to act likewise, only to find the opposite occurring. In such circumstances we need to affirm our unconditional acceptance and appreciation of one another, to value our differences, to die to self and to maintain a respectful attitude. We desperately need the grace of God to do this. It will enable us to understand one another more deeply. It will help us not to undermining and devalue one another. It will keep us from impatience, resentment, judgementalism and condemnation.

10 In the area of cultural differences

Cross-cultural marriages call for even greater resources of grace. Those who enter such a commitment would be wise not to do so without first experiencing and understanding God's grace in all its fullness and truth. If their marriage is to succeed, I firmly believe that both parties need to be living in the grace of God and to be free from legalism. The married state is always a calling, but doubly so for those coming to it from different cultures. Sadly, in my own experience, I have seen but a few successes and a number of failures. The latter have been characterised by judgementalism, a strong reluctance to own and deal with emotional damage resulting from past traumatic experiences, and a failure to die to self. In other cases it has been a stubborn refusal to follow the biblical injunctions to honour one another above ourselves, to do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, and in humility to consider others better than ourselves (Romans 12:10; Philippians 2:3).

The things that keep members of different cultures apart are pride, a sense of superiority, the maintenance of barriers against vulnerability and integration, prejudice, and straightforward ignorance concerning the culture in question: its worldview, values and practices. The things that bring them together are genuine humility, respect, a willingness to learn and be corrected, the building of true friendship, grace and forbearance, sympathy and understanding. It involves recognising the privileges you have enjoyed and which they may have been denied. It involves looking for the admirable aspects of their culture, while not turning a blind eye to the unattractive aspects of your own.

At all times, spouses in a cross-cultural Christian marriage need to remind themselves that each of them is now a member of God's new ethnic group – the people of God. Whilst they should be encouraged to maintain the godly aspects of their own culture, they should be vigilant to forsake those that are not. God's new tribe has its own culture – worship; its own language – love; its own history – eternity; its own land – heaven; its own law – grace; its own constitution – the Bible; its own initiation – the new birth; its own unity – the cross; its own foundation – Jesus Christ.

11 In the area of changes in health

The marriage vows for both groom and bride in Appendix 2 include the words "I promise that from this day and for the rest of my life, whether in sickness or health … that I will … cherish you, honour you, keep you, and protect you." I have sometimes asked engaged couples what they would do if, within a week of getting married, their spouse was involved in a road accident and became paralysed and in need of a wheelchair for the rest of their lives. I know some who have successfully and compassionately nursed and looked after a very dependent spouse for many years, while at the same time doing a great job in bringing up their children. Such sacrificial love is of significant worth and gladdens the heart of God. It is not an acceptance of second best. A truly great reward awaits such faithfulness. It is only possible by drawing daily on God's limitless supply of grace. Just as the carer needs grace, so too does the one being cared for. They may have been extremely fit and capable before disaster struck. It is not at all easy for some to live lives that are so completely dependent on others. Harsh words, spoken out of frustration, need to be met with grace. As do sighs of resignation and discouragement. There are burdens within marriage that need to be shared in confidence with at least one other trusted friend. This does not amount to unfaithfulness or disloyalty and God's grace will enable each spouse to be accommodating and understanding.

12 In the area of the ageing process

We often get a shock when we meet someone we haven't seen for many years, because they have aged beyond immediate recognition. Beauty is fleeting.

As we grow older we tend to put on weight, our skin loses its elasticity, blemishes appear, we become forgetful, we go grey, and we lose the hair we want to keep and gain hair we don't need; our sight and hearing may deteriorate, we are in danger of becoming inpatient, snappy and grumpy and we also become forgetful (!!) We can grow old together gracefully or we can become increasingly short-tempered, bitter and a pain to live with.

As we face the failings of the ageing process we have the opportunity to extend grace, patience and kindness to our spouse, recognising that we too aren't what we used to be, and remembering that our responsibility in this covenant of companionship is to be a blessing for as long as we both shall live. When tempted to be impatient and critical, resist it and choose to be appreciative and encouraging.

As we get older our drive and desire for sexual intimacy may diminish; our energy levels certainly will! This may happen more quickly for one partner than for the other. Medical conditions may arise that make sexual intercourse painful or the cause of infections. As we extend God's grace to each other we will be kept from a sense of failure on the one hand or from becoming resentful on the other. As the area of sexual intimacy weakens the area of friendship and companionship can become even stronger.

Book Assignment

1 What do the following Scriptures teach us about the grace of God: Ephesians 2:8, 9; Romans 3:24; 5:17; 6:14-15 and Titus 2:11-12?

2 Is your personal walk with God, and are your dealings with his people, characterized by legalism or grace? What are the distinguishing features of each?

3 Why is it so important to see marriage as a life-long assignment? What does it mean to work at a marriage?

4 If you are married or preparing for marriage, which of the twelve areas mentioned above would present you with the most difficulty in extending grace to your spouse? Why is this the case?

Marriage Course Assignment

Are you as a couple continuing to work at your marriage or have you become passive and resigned to a relationship which is less than you hoped it would be? Do you see your marriage as a life-long assignment? Are there any steps you could take to improve things? If there are, list them here:

______________________________

______________________________

______________________________

(10 minutes)

Is your marriage characterized by legalism or by grace? In which of the twelve areas mentioned above do either of you feel that you are not encountering grace? Be specific. How does this lack of grace make you feel? What makes it difficult for either of you to extend grace in such areas? Take time to listen carefully to one another without interrupting. List below the decisions you are prepared to take so that grace might dominate your relationship.

______________________________

______________________________

______________________________

(20 minutes)

APPENDIX 1 - THE APPROPRIATENESS OF A MARRIAGE CEREMONY

Because of the symbolism of marriage – that it is a portrayal, a picture of the wedding of the Lamb (Jesus Christ) with his bride (the church) – it is totally appropriate and God-honouring that a formal Christian wedding ceremony takes place. There are a number of other valid reasons as well.

1. A marriage needs to be celebrated publicly so that the world can see that a new home is being established; a new reliable building block of society is being set in place; and a step of independence from parental control is being taken. Society in general has a responsibility to provide for and to protect this new creation. The institution of marriage is under severe attack in the modern world and has been terribly devalued by Western society. Therefore God's people need to be all the more public in their total commitment to it, and resist all measures that would be taken to undermine it.

2. A legally binding contract is being entered into which gives security to both spouses, but particularly to the wife. This helps to provide stability in the family for the children. For a Christian couple, it will be their love for God and their commitment to true discipleship, as well as their love for each other, that will keep the marriage intact. It will not depend upon the legal contract alone, but it does serve as a symbol of their commitment and as a testimony to their community.

3. Promises need to be made before God and before family, friends and whoever else is to be present, which underline the couples' commitment to a life-long romantic relationship of mutual love and respect, hallmarked by unselfishness and forbearance. These promises are referred to as vows and make up the marriage covenant spoken of in Malachi 3:14. In that chapter, a failure to keep one's vows is called breaking faith with the wife or husband of one's youth.

The wording of marriage vows needs to be watched over carefully. Some young couples ask to compose their own vows. This can only be encouraged if care is taken to make sure they are thoroughly biblical. The one carrying out the marriage service would be responsible to make sure this was the case. Vows to worship our spouse, for example, can lead to satanic bondage. I have actually encountered this and its devastating consequences. After several years of marriage, the Holy Spirit led the couple in question to renounce their former vows and to make new promises to each other according to God's Word. The curse was broken and their marriage, which had been in mortal danger, was saved. Today, many years on from then, it is all that a godly marriage should be.

Should the word "obey" be part of the vows made by a Christian bride? The word itself does not appear in Scripture relative to wives. Certainly a wife should never feel that God expects her to obey her husband in the same way that obedience is expected of a child towards his or her parents. Nor that she should submit to any sort of abusive behaviour, which undermines her personhood or violates her conscience. If he is asking her to sin (in her opinion) she is obviously free to refuse.

The word translated "obey" in the text dealing with church government: "Obey your leaders and submit to their authority" (Hebrews 13:17), is one which carries the meaning of being persuaded; of being won over. It does not call for an unquestioning and mindless obedience. I prefer to incorporate into the marriage vows the biblical words "submit to" and to leave out the word "obey".  (See Appendix 2: A Marriage Ceremony.)

4. Marriage ceremonies are a time for worship, praise and thanksgiving. When the couple themselves can be seen, on their own wedding day, as being lost in wonder, love and praise of their beautiful Saviour, it not only gladdens the heart of God, but is a powerful witness to unsaved family members and friends.

5. Biblical teaching on marriage should be given that is relevant, practical and easy to understand. It should be delivered in a lively, dynamic and interesting way. This provides an opportunity for pastors to not only to instruct the couple themselves, but to enrich or even bring healing to the marriages of all present. There should always be an aspect or an emphasis within the message (address or sermon) that the pastor believes he has received directly from God for the couple getting married.

6. Obviously, prayers should be offered for the couple by the pastor, but it is also of great benefit and blessing if others are also asked to pray and to prophesy over them. A general invitation could be made, but it is often preferable for the couple to choose those they would dearly love to minister to them in this way. Again, this can be a great witness to any non-Christian present.

APPENDIX 2- A MARRIAGE CEREMONY

The following is based on the marriage service for the Church of England. I have kept the traditional wording in a number of key places, as most couples seem to prefer it this way. In the main, I have only introduced changes to more closely align the phraseology with the teaching of the Bible. Sections in italics need not be included if the marriage has already been legalised in a registry office. In many countries the law does not recognize church weddings and the only way to marry legally is at a registry office. Where this applies, most Christian couples do not consider themselves married until after they have publicly declared their promises to one another before God and his people, and have sought their blessing.

Vows that need to be repeated by Bride and Bridegroom have been broken down into small sections, divided by forward slashes, to make this easier. Words within Scripture quotations that are enclosed in square brackets are not in the text but need to be included and read out aloud.

Most ceremonies conform to the following conventions, as viewed from the congregation and facing towards the Minister:

- The Bride's family and friends sit on the left and the Bridegroom's family and friends sit on the right.

- The Bridegroom stands at the front, facing the Minister, with his Best Man standing on his right.

- The Bride's Father enters with his daughter, the Bride, holding his right arm.

- The Bridesmaids normally follow on behind the Bride and her father, though some prefer them to enter the church first and then to stand to one side to welcome the Bride.

- The Bride remains standing with her father, holding his right arm, until asked to join the Bridegroom by the Minister. She then places her right hand in the left hand of the Bridegroom and stands by his side.

- The Bride's Father and the Bridesmaids remain standing until directed to take their seats by the Minister

- The Best Man remains standing until he has handed the rings to the Minister.

When the Bride or Bridegroom already has a young child from a previous relationship, I have found it helpful to incorporate something into the ceremony to include the child. It gives them a sense of belonging and recognises their value. It also gives the one who is not their biological parent the opportunity to publicly declare their decision to accept them and to treat them as if they were their own.

I have included a Commission to both Bridegroom and Bride to be given immediately after the Address. This underlines biblical teaching on marriage and brings a fresh challenge to the couple and to other couples within the congregation.

A MARRIAGE CEREMONY

Minister says:

Dear Friends, we have come together today, in the presence of God – Father, Son and Holy Spirit – to witness the joining together of

___________________________ (Insert the Christian names of the couple with the groom's name first.)  in holy marriage, to seek for them the blessing of our loving heavenly Father, to share their joy and to celebrate their love.

Marriage is honourable, and right, and graciously ordained by God, who so planned it from the beginning of creation.  It is given that, as a man and a woman grow together in love and trust, they shall be united with one another in heart, body and mind, as Christ is untied with his bride the church.

The gift of marriage brings husband and wife together in the delight and tenderness of sexual union and joyful commitment to the end of their lives. It is given as the foundation of family life in which children are nurtured and in which each member of the family, in good times and in bad, may find support, companionship and comfort and grow to maturity in love.

Marriage is a way of life made holy by God and approved by the teaching and authority of the Lord Jesus, who adorned it and made it all the more beautiful by his presence at a wedding in Cana in Galilee.

Marriage is a means of grace, a wonderful blessing from God to all who rightly use it as God intended and who know God’s call to it.  It is a sign of unity and loyalty which all should uphold and honour. It enriches society and strengthens community. No one should enter into it lightly or selfishly but reverently and responsibly and with humility and thankfulness to God.

To this holy calling, to this way of life __________________________ (Insert the Christian names of the couple with the groom's name first.) come now to be joined. They will each give their consent to the other and make solemn vows, and in token of this they will each give and receive a ring. We pray with them that the Holy Spirit will guide and strengthen them, that they may fulfil God's purposes for the whole of their earthly life together.

(Include the following legal requirements if the marriage has not already been legalised in a registry office and an official registrar is now present.)

To the congregation:

But first I am required to ask anyone present, who knows a reason why these persons may not lawfully marry, to declare it now.

To the couple:

The vows you are about to make are to be made in the name of God, who is judge of all and who knows all the secrets of our hearts:  therefore if either of you knows a reason why you may not lawfully marry, you must declare it now.

Declaration to be repeated by the bridegroom:

I do solemnly declare / that I know not / of any lawful impediment / why

I __________________________________ (insert groom’s full name) / may not be joined in

matrimony / to _________________________________ (insert bride’s full name)

Declaration to be repeated by the bride:

I do solemnly declare / that I know not / of any lawful impediment / why

I ___________________________________(insert bride’s full name) / may not be joined in

matrimony / to _________________________________ (insert groom’s full name)

(End of legal requirements)

To the Bridegroom:

The Bible says:

“Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her."

"Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

"Husbands … be considerate as you live with your wives and treat them with respect as the weaker [more vulnerable] partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers."

__________________ (insert groom’s full name), will you do this and take _________________ (insert bride’s full name) to be your wedded wife, to live together according to God’s Word in true Christian marriage.  Will you love her, sacrifice for her, comfort her, honour, protect and keep her, in sickness and in health and forsaking all others keep yourself only for her as long as you both shall live?

Response:

I will.

To the Bride:

The Bible says:

"Let not your beauty be merely external, but let it [also] be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."

“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church, his body, of which he is the Saviour.

_________________ (insert bride’s full name), will you do this and take __________________ (insert groom’s full name) to be your wedded husband, to live together according to God’s Word in true Christian marriage.  Will you love him, submit to him, esteem him, honour, keep and help him, in sickness and in health and forsaking all others keep yourself only for him as long as you both shall live?

Response:

I will.

To the congregation:

Will you, the families and friends of ___________________________ (insert the Christian names of the couple with the groom’s name first) support and uphold them in their marriage now and in the years to come?

Response:

We will

To the couple:

The Bible says:

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”

To the Bride’s Father:

Please take the Bride’s right hand…

___________________________ (insert the bride’s father’s Christian name, or surname with title), _______________(insert the bride’s Christian name) has received your loving care, protection, material provision and emotional support during her life thus far.  Do you give her now to be married to

________________ (groom’s Christian name), so that he takes to himself these responsibilities for her as his wife?

Response:

I do.  (Father gives Bride’s right hand to Bridegroom)

(Bridegroom takes Bride’s right hand in his left hand)

(Bride's flowers handed to a Bridesmaid – Bridesmaids and Bride’s father take their seats)

(Couple face each other, holding both hands).

Vows to be repeated by the Bridegroom:

_____________ (insert the groom’s Christian name), repeat after me…

I call upon these persons here present / to witness that I /

__________________________________ (insert the groom’s Christian name) / do take you /

__________________________________ (insert the bride’s Christian name) / to be my lawful wedded wife / I promise that from this day / and for the rest of my life / whether in sickness or health / riches or poverty / and in all circumstances / that I will love you / sacrifice for you / respect you / treasure you / cherish you / honour you / keep you / and protect you / as God in whom I trust / requires me to do.

Vows to be repeated by the Bride:

_____________ (Insert the bride’s full name), repeat after me…

I call upon these persons here present / to witness that I /

___________________________________(insert the bride’s full name)/ do take you /

___________________________________ (insert the groom’s full name)/ to be my lawful wedded husband / I promise that from this day / and for the rest of my life / whether in sickness or health / riches or poverty / and in all circumstances / that I will love you / submit to you / respect you / esteem you / cherish you / honour you / keep you / and help you / as God in whom I trust / requires me to do.

Rings given to Minister by Best Man

(Best Man takes his seat)

Minister prays:

Father, by your blessing, let these rings be to…

_________________________________ (insert the Christian names of the couple with the groom’s name first) symbols of unending love and faithfulness, to remind them of the vows and covenant of companionship which they have made this day; in Jesus’ precious name.  Amen

Bridegroom places ring on Bride’s finger, repeating Minister's words:

I give you this ring / as a sign / of my commitment to you / and as a token / of our wedded love. / All that I am / I give to you. / All that I have / I share with you.

Bride places ring on Bridegroom's finger, repeating Minister's words:

I give you this ring / as a sign / of my commitment to you / and as a token / of our wedded love. / All that I am / I give to you. / All that I have / I share with you.

Minister says:

Because _____________________________ (insert the Christian names of the couple with the groom’s name first) have agreed to live together in holy marriage and have witnessed to do this before God and this congregation, promising and giving themselves to each other, I now pronounce them husband and wife.

What God has joined together let no one seek to divide.

To the Bridegroom:

You may kiss the bride

(END OF MARRIAGE CEREMONY)

COMMISSIONING FOLLOWING THE ADDRESS

________________ (insert the groom’s Christian name) be faithful to obey the call of God upon your life;

be the leader of your family; love _______________ (insert the bride’s Christian name) as Jesus loved the Church, accepting her, however she is acting; trying never to judge her, neglect her or be harsh with her, but always to include her in your life.  Tell her frequently that you love and cherish her and that she is your number one.

_________________ (insert the bride’s Christian name) adapt your life to your husband's life and calling;

submit to his servant leadership; love _______________ (insert the groom’s Christian name) as your closest friend, with kindness, respect and affection, being quick to share openly when you are upset. Try never to put unrealistic expectations on him regarding yourself, the home and the children, but rather seek to be a true companion.

(End the commissioning with a prayer for the couple)

INCLUSION FOR WHEN A YOUNG CHILD FROM A PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIP IS INVOLVED

(Delete the incorrect words regarding alternatives)

To the Child (now standing with the couple before the congregation)

______________ (insert the child’s Christian name), ______________ (insert the Christian name of the bride or groom, as appropriate) is not your real daddy/mummy but he/she wants to be like another daddy/mummy to you (what we call a step-father/step-mother) for those times when you can't be with your own daddy/mummy. Is that all right with you?

Response

Yes.

To the Bridegroom/Bride

______________ (insert the Christian name of the bride or groom, as appropriate), will you accept _____________ (insert the child’s Christian name) just as he/she is, as if he/she were your own son/daughter? Will you love him/her unconditionally; encourage him/her constantly; play with him/her regularly; share your heart with him/her openly; teach him/her God's ways; and in partnership with _____________ (insert the Christian name of the bride or groom, as appropriate) discipline him/her in love when necessary?

Response

I will.

APPENDIX 3 - A MARRIAGE ADDRESS OUTLINE

Marriage is not the blending of two worlds but the creation of a new one.  Marriage is not a perpetual struggle to establish personal rights but a harmonious outworking of different roles and responsibilities. Marriage is not the fulfilment of dream images but the joyful acceptance of a precious gift from God in the person of my spouse. Marriage is not the avoidance of conflict, sorrow and difficulties but the maturing of love through them. Marriage is not the last priority after career, ministry, children, other people and pastimes but the first after God. Marriage is not about defending independence and personal space but about unselfishly becoming one.

ONENESS IN MARRIAGE

We were created for relationship with God and with other people. The closest human relationship is marriage. The central goal of marriage is to become one.

Jesus said: "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united [glued] to his wife and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate" (Matthew 19:5, 6).

"Wives submit to your husbands [recognise him as the team leader] … for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church [to be respected as a trusted friend; shunning independent action] … husbands ought to [sacrificially] love their wives as their own bodies [nourishing and carefully protecting and cherishing her]" (Ephesians 5:22-33).

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work [they achieve more together regarding God's purposes for their lives]. If one falls down their friend can help them up … if two lie down together they will keep warm … though one may be over powered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not easily broken [the marriage that is God dependent will last a lifetime]" (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12).

HOW CAN WE ACHIEVE ONENESS IN MARRIAGE?

1 KIT BAG: THE ONENESS OF PURPOSE (Use a kit bag as a visual aid.)

As believers we live with a purpose; we each have assigned tasks that become interwoven in marriage. Life is a journey married couples make together. Marriage is for life and life is short. We are at war with the forces of evil. Christian marriage is under attack. When we are one in purpose we will have a good return for our life's work.

2 UNIFORM: THE ONENESS OF TEAM (Use an army shirt or jacket as a visual aid.)

Married couples are fellow officers. Submission means to respectfully recognise when you are outranked. It calls for mutual respect; a husband's leadership; teamwork; a recognition of equal value, yet differing responsibilities. It means becoming one in heart, mind and purpose. Husbands are to lead by example; by putting themselves last; by being the first to apologise; by shouldering responsibility. When we are one as a team we resolve conflicts, overcome problems and pull together.

3 STRONG GLUE: THE ONENESS OF FRIENDSHIP (Use a pot of glue as a visual aid.)

Being glued together means having first place in each others affections. It refers to partnership, true friendship, companionship and emotional support. It speaks of openness, transparency, mutual respect, forbearance and forgiveness. When we are one in friendship we keep no record of wrongs and allow nothing and no one to come between us.

4 A BODY: THE ONENESS OF PHYSICAL UNION (Ask for a volunteer to stand beside you as a visual aid)

Being as one body in marriage speaks of harmony and interdependence with the absence of any truly independent actions. It speaks of mutual care. "He who loves his wife loves himself." It speaks of getting to know one another deeply: our spouse's temperament, aspirations, dreams, languages of love. It speaks of tenderness and kindness. When we are truly one in physical union we are understanding, considerate and compassionate.

5 A CORD: THE ONENESS OF FAITHFULNESS TO GOD & ONE ANOTHER (Plait three strands of different coloured string together as a visual aid.)

A three-stranded cord speaks of strength; faithfulness in fulfilling responsibilities; no flirting; no inappropriate contact and no pouring out our heart to another of the opposite sex; no fantasizing involving others. It speaks of putting Jesus at the centre of our marriage; of God himself uniting us as one together with him. When we are one in faithfulness we think the best, build trust and maintain a light-spirited and joyful relationship.

MARRIAGE SERIOUSLY AFFECTS SPIRITUAL ISSUES

WIVES

"Likewise teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign [blaspheme] the word of God" (Titus 2:3-5).

Christian wives and mothers who refuse to obey God's Word cause non-Christians to malign that very life-giving Word.

When wives obey God's Word regarding marriage they adorn the Gospel and draw others to Jesus.

HUSBANDS

"Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers" (1 Peter 3:7).

"Be considerate as you live with your wives" is literally "living together according to knowledge", i.e. in an understanding way. It means he has a duty to find out about the circumstances of her life; to be aware of what makes her tick; what she finds it hard to cope with and how he can best express his love for her.

This verse ends the notion that a man's spiritual life and walk with God are quite separate from the way he treats his wife. The two are intertwined. No man can enjoy intimacy with God while mistreating his wife.

When husbands obey God's Word regarding marriage their prayers are answered.

APPENDIX 4 - MARRIAGE COURSE LEADER'S GUIDE

The Marriage Course Assignments at the end of each chapter have been included so that, where possible, they can be undertaken as part of an organised course. In such a group setting, where time is specifically allocated, couples are much more likely to work through them together. If time doesn't allow for their completion, more time can be given in the privacy of their homes.

A course can be set up to run for a number of weeks, or over a weekend. Either way, it is advantageous to include candle-lit meals, shared at tables for two, with waitress service (fellow believers suitably dressed), and to encourage a special effort on the part of all couples to make the whole experience a truly romantic, intimate and memorable affair.

Courses are best run by a mature and broadly experienced married couple who have children, who can both teach and who can therefore alternate in the presentation of the material. In the suggested program HL stands for the husband course leader and WL for the wife course leader.

Participants will get much more out of the course if they read through this book beforehand, study the material it contains and think through possible answers to the questions and assignments that are included. However, they should not fill in any of the blanks so they can complete the exercises as couples, not individuals.

Both course leaders need to study this book thoroughly so as to be able to make the material their own and, where possible, to be able to express it in their own words. There may well be those who disagree with some of my conclusions, but I always feel it is good and healthy to stretch a person's thinking, and to challenge their convictions, so as to make sure they are thoroughly biblical in how they conduct themselves.

Time taken for presenting the material at each session should probably be kept to no more than a total of 60 minutes. By alternating speakers, injecting humour, keeping things bright and lively, introducing your own illustrations and incorporating at least some interaction, time will fly by!

Numbers attending will be limited more by the facilities being used, and the number of helpers available, than by the way the course is structured. To complete the assignments, couples will need enough space around them not to be overheard.

SUGGESTED PROGRAM

SESSION 1

By way of preparation, leaders should read through Chapters 1 and 2 but only expect to teach the material in Chapter 1.

God's principles for relationships (HL)

God's purposes for marriage (WL)

God's plan for marriage (HL)

A clash of cultures (WL)

A word on singleness (HL)

Get the couples to work through the course assignment at the end of Chapter 1 and, if time permits, to make a start on the assignment at the end of Chapter 2, committing themselves to complete it at home. Allow 30 minutes.

SESSION 2

This session covers the material in Chapter 3 which will need to be studied carefully as there is a lot of ground to cover.

The completed image of God (WL)

Joint leadership (HL)

Complementary roles (WL)

The marriage tent (HL)

Damaged relationships (WL)

Get the couples to work through the course assignment at the end of Chapter 3. Allow 20 minutes.

SESSION 3

This session covers the material in Chapter 4 and part of the material in Chapter 7. For the "perfect man" material it may be best to select, say, 6 of the 24 examples given.

Chapter 4: The virtuous woman (WL)

Chapter 4: The perfect man (HL)

Chapter 7: Complementary roles (WL)

Chapter 7: Reciprocal responsibilities (HL)

Get the couples to work through the course assignment at the end of Chapter 4 and the one marked "A" at the end of Chapter 7. Allow 25 minutes.

SESSION 4

This session covers the material in Chapter 5. It is particularly important to get feed-back as you teach on the love of friendship for I have found that few have considered the implications of this.

The call to submission (WL)

The call to love (HL)

The call to inner beauty (WL)

Get the couples to work through the course assignment at the end of Chapter 5. Allow 15 minutes.

SESSION 5

This session covers the material in Chapter 6. As in the last session there is an area to present here that few seem to have really taken on board: the call to tenderness and consideration, particularly the latter. I would try to get feed-back as you go through this concept to make sure it is understood.

The call to sacrifice (HL)

The call to love (WL)

The call to tenderness and consideration (HL)

Get the couples to work through the course assignment at the end of Chapter 6. Allow 15 minutes.

SESSION 6

This session covers the material in Chapter 8.

Words of affirmation (HL)

Quality time (WL)

Receiving gifts (HL)

Acts of service (WL)

Physical touch (HL)

Get the couples to work through the course assignment at the end of Chapter 8. Allow 20 minutes.

SESSION 7

This session covers the material in Chapter 9, but begins with the last part of Chapter 7. Try to resist the twin temptations of being too superficial or too graphic! It is helpful to inject a bit of humour.

Scintillating differences (WL)

Eros defined (HL)

What God's Word teaches on sex (WL)

What makes a great lover (HL)

What spoils intimacy (WL)

Where boundaries need to be set (HL)

(It would be better to leave out the material dealing with idolatry, contraception, sterilisation, abortion and AIDS, and to cover these topics on another occasion.)

Get the couples to work through the course assignment at the end of Chapter 9 and the one marked "B" at the end of Chapter 7. Allow 30 minutes.

SESSION 8

This session covers the material in Chapter 10.

Top requests (HL)

The love-bank principle (WL)

The debt payment principle (HL)

The sowing and reaping principle (WL)

The boundaries principle (HL)

(It would be better to leave out the material dealing with divorce and to cover this topic on another occasion.)

Get the couples to work through the course assignment at the end of Chapter 10. Allow 20 minutes.

SESSION 9

This session covers the material in Chapter 11.

Communicating effectively (HL)

Managing conflicts (WL)

Showing forbearing (HL)

Forgiving from the heart (WL)

Praying together (HL)

Get the couples to work through the course assignment at the end of Chapter 11. Allow 20 minutes.

SESSION 10

This session covers the material in Chapter 12.

Understanding grace (HL)

Receiving grace (WL)

Extending grace (HL & WL)

Get the couples to work through the course assignment at the end of Chapter 12. Allow 30 minutes.

APPENDIX 5 - BECOMING A CHRISTIAN

Almighty God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, sent his only Son into the world to proclaim some wonderful news: God wants us to have eternal life! He loves us so much he wants to welcome us into his family as his very own children – into a personal and intimate relationship with the Creator of the Universe! Eternal life begins when we accept Jesus into our hearts as Saviour and Lord. At that very moment he brings about many radical changes, and begins the process of transforming us into his own likeness. We also discover the meaning of life. It can be better than we have ever dreamed possible!

Jesus resolves our inner turmoil. He removes our guilt by granting us forgiveness. He takes away our shame, for it was laid upon his shoulders when he died on the cross for us. He deals with our fear, having disarmed and defeated every satanic power and evil authority that stands against us. He banishes our sense of meaninglessness by giving us a cause to live for and a purpose to die for. He reveals his heart to us. He assures us of his unconditional love, and of our great worth, total acceptance and unique significance. He promises to keep us strong and blameless to the end of our lives. By his sacrifice on the cross, he makes all who trust in him perfect for ever.

Jesus provides the answers to the evils of the world. He motivates us to act justly and to fight for justice. One day there will be vindication for victims and punishment for perpetrators. God will judge the world with justice by his Son, giving proof to this by raising him from the dead.

Jesus promises to prosper us, and to lift us out of poverty, by providing for all our needs. Through hard work, we have a part to play, but he wants us to put our trust and confidence in him. He gives us a generous heart and the desire to share our surplus with others.

Jesus becomes our peace and turns us into peacemakers. Through his death on the cross he not only reconciled us to God, but he broke down the walls of hostility that exist between different races. As Christians we are all members of a new ethnic group, living in harmony with one another, and, as far as it depends on us, with all others.

Christianity is not a superstition or a religion of human invention; it is evidence-based. It is in perfect harmony with proven scientific facts. The results of miracles performed by Jesus, and those done by faith in his name today, are scientifically verifiable. People who were sick became well when Jesus touched them. There were many reliable witnesses. Today's supernatural healings are being confirmed as genuine by medical evidence referring to both before and after the event.

At a specific moment in history Jesus was born of a virgin. Supernatural signs accompanied his birth. For about three years, in his early thirties, he preached the Gospel, made disciples, healed the sick, cast out demons and raised the dead. He was then crucified as a result of bigoted religious intolerance and persecution, died and was buried. Three days later he rose from the dead and is alive forevermore. He had a new body, though was still recognizable as the man Jesus.

All these facts are documented in the Bible by eye witnesses and confirmed by secular historians. Those who examine the evidence, with open minds and with God's help, will conclude that Jesus was and is who he claimed to be: the Son of God; both human and divine. There is far more documented evidence for the life and work of Jesus of Nazareth than there is for the military campaigns of Julius Caesar. No one doubts the historical record for the latter.

Many believe that the entire theory of evolution is now proven fact. Yet Charles Darwin wrote: "If it could be demonstrated that any complex organ existed which could not possibly have been formed by numerous successive slight modifications, my theory would absolutely break down." The cell itself, fundamental to life, is surely one such organ? In Darwin's day very little was known concerning how it functioned and it was not considered unduly intricate. Today, scientists tell us of its unimaginable complexity. Each microscopic cell contains tiny molecular machines, essential to the cell's development and functioning, which are composed of 40 separate and indispensable parts, one of which rotates at 100,000 rpm, yet the machine can stop instantly and change direction. The Bible is not a scientific text book – much of its language is poetic – yet proven scientific facts do not contradict it.

It is true that militant religious intolerance causes global conflicts. But it is also true that militant atheism has resulted in far more human suffering in the last century than any religion (Mao's China, Stalin's Russia, Pol Pot's Cambodia, etc.). However, biblical Christianity cannot be considered a religion in the normal understanding of that word. It is not about establishing one's own righteousness by good works and thereby seeking God's favour. It is not about performing certain rituals in a prescribed way. It is about a relationship with God, initiated by him and brought about by the life, death and resurrection of his Son Jesus Christ. True disciples of Jesus promote peace, tolerance and acts of kindness. They love all others as they love themselves. Jesus taught his own disciples to lay down their lives so that others might live. The majority of them lost their lives as a direct result of religious persecution.

To this day 171,000 Christians are martyred each year for their faith. And, despite claims to the contrary, Christianity is steadily growing worldwide. An estimated 20,000 are converted to Christianity every day in both Africa and China. There were virtually no Christians in Korea in 1900. Today, in 2010, 30% of the total population are followers of Jesus. On June 15th 2006, 3,000,000 believers paraded through São Paulo, Brazil, on the world's largest "March for Jesus".

Many find it difficult to believe in God because of all the terrible and unjust suffering they see in the world. They reason that if God existed he would prevent it from happening. The fact is most of the suffering we see in the world today is the direct result of man's inhumanity to man. God has given us the precious gift of free will, but we have chosen to live self-centred lives in rebellion against him. This is true whether we acknowledge his existence or not. Although he has chosen not to bring suffering to an end, he has stepped into our world, in the person of Jesus Christ, and walked the pathway of unjust suffering with us. It is through his suffering that we can experience eternal life. In all our personal suffering he promises to introduce someone or something into our situation that will help us to make it through.

Death is described in the Bible as the king of terrors, and we are described as those who live their lives held in slavery by their fear of death. The good news is that Jesus has destroyed the one who held the power of death, that is, the devil. By his resurrection he conquered the grave and overturned the curse of death. The Bible asks: "O death where is your victory? O death where is your sting?" The sting of death is sin and therein lies our problem. The wrong things that we have done have formed a barrier between us and God – and sin does not just refer to wrong things but to good things done for the wrong reasons. If we die in our sin, without having received forgiveness, we will face God's judgement and eternal separation from him. How can we be saved from such a fate?

In the case of New Testament believers there were at least five things that had taken place. We cannot settle for anything less.

1 They had counted the cost of becoming a follower of Christ. They knew it would involve dying to self and putting their lives and possessions at his disposal, no longer counting anything as their own. They had declared their willingness to face persecution.

2 They had repented of their sins, that is, they had owned them, showed genuine sorrow over them, confessed them, turned their backs on them, and, with God's help, had joyfully decided to live the rest of their lives in obedience to his commandments.

3 They had believed in Jesus, that is, they had put their total trust in his sacrificial death as paying the penalty for their personal sins and as suffering the wrath of God which they deserved. They believed that he was the Son of God and that his righteousness had become theirs. They believed they could only be saved by grace through faith, that is, it could not be achieved by works, but was a gift from God.

Tim Keller writes: "The faith that changes the life and connects to God is best conveyed by the word 'trust'. Imagine you are on a high cliff and you lose your footing and begin to fall. Just beside you as you fall is a branch sticking out of the very edge of the cliff. It is your only hope and it is more than strong enough to support your weight. How can it save you? If your mind is filled with intellectual certainty that the branch can support you, but you don't actually reach out and grab it, you are lost. If your mind is instead filled with doubts and uncertainty that the branch can hold you, but you reach out and grab it anyway, you will be saved. Why? It is not the strength of your faith that actually saves you. Strong faith in a weak branch is fatally inferior to weak faith in a strong branch."

4 They had been baptised in water as adults and in this way had made a public confession that Jesus had become the Lord of their lives. They had been born again of his Spirit and were not ashamed to be known as his disciples.

5 They had been baptised or filled with his Holy Spirit, enabling them to live transformed lives and empowering them to share their faith and to expect signs and wonders to accompany their witness.

If you would genuinely like to accept Jesus into your heart, and are willing to take the five steps indicated above, you could become a Christian today. Having read it through, understood it and made it your own, repeat aloud the following prayer and tell other believers and your friends what you have done. Find a Bible-believing local church and get involved. We can wait until we understand in order to believe or we can decide to believe in order that we can begin to understand. To find God we need to take a step of faith. He has promised that if we draw near to him he will draw near to us.

One last caution. Would you be taking this step in order, primarily, to get something from God or to begin a relationship with him? The Bible warns that there will be those, who, in times of testing will fall away. Such times reveal wrong motives and shallow roots.

"Lord Jesus, I know I have sinned in my thoughts, words and actions. There are so many good things I have not done and so many sinful things I have done. I am truly sorry and turn from everything I know to be wrong. I believe with all my heart that you are God's Son and that you gave your life on the cross for me. Gratefully I give my life back to you.  From now on my trust and confidence will be in you alone, not in anything good that I might do. I ask you now to come into my life. Come in as my Saviour to purify me. Come in as my Lord to reign over me. Come in as my friend to always be with me and I will seek to obey you for the rest of my life. Amen."

Other Books In This Series

If you have enjoyed Tony’s writing, you may also enjoy the following books in the same series:-

TRUTH THAT DEMOLISHES STRONGHOLDS

WELLS OF WORSHIP

DISCOVERING YOUR ASSIGNED TASK

THE HEARTBREAK OF DIVORCE

FONTES DE ADORAÇÃO (Wells of Worship in Portuguese)

O CAMINHO DE DEUS (Portuguese)

O DOM DO CASAMENTO (The Gift Of Marriage in Portuguese)

Table of Contents

Other Books In This Series

Dedication - Disciple Maker Series

Dedication – The Gift of Marriage

Acknowledgements

Table Of Contents

Introduction To The Disciple Maker Series

Other Disciple Maker Books In Preparation

Disciple Maker Books Currently Available

Getting The Most Out Of This Series

Introduction

Be Prepared

As It Was In The Beginning

According To The Pattern

Wives

Husbands

Appreciating One Another

Expressions of Love

Passion

WORKING IT OUT

Keeping On Track

Living By Grace

APPENDIX 1 - The Appropriateness of a Marriage Ceremony

APPENDIX 2- A Marriage Ceremony

Appendix 3 - A Marriage Address Outline

Appendix 4 - Marriage Course Leader's Guide

Appendix 5 - Becoming a Christian