For the women of resolution who have shaped my life—

My mother, Lois;

My grandmothers, Evelyn and Eileen;

And my aunts, Ruth Ann, Elizabeth, Bernice, and Beverly

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Jerry Sr., Jackson, Jerry Jr., Jude. My life's seminal

aspiration is to serve you well as a wife and a mother. I

pray that when the curtain closes on my time here on

planet earth, you wil be able to confidently say that I

was a woman of resolution. I am nuts about you.

To Jennifer and the B&H Publishing Team. It is rare to

work with individuals that are aware of and concerned

about the delicate balance between business and

ministry. Thank you for staying clear on what our main

priority should be. We treasure you and are grateful to

partner with you.

To Alex and Stephen Kendrick. I am stil stunned that

God has allowed me to partner with you in this

important work. Jerry and I are grateful for your vision,

encouraged by your integrity and blessed to call you

friends.

Lawrence. I applaud you for your giftedness as a writer,

but I admire you for all of the traits that I am most

striving to develop— patience, humility, and spiritual

sensitivity. You inspire me in more ways than you can

imagine. Thank you for jumping into this project with

me. It's been a wild ride that was worth every moment of

the journey.

And finally, to all of my friends—some younger, others

older, some single and others married, some moms and

others not—who met with me to offer your sentiments,

personal experiences, and insights for this project. Thank

you for lending your perspectives and opening up your

lives to me. I appreciate the hours you spent thinking

about the questions I asked and even reading some

"almost finished" chapters in the manuscript. This book would not be what it is apart from you. The richness of

your lives is the crowning treasure of this book.

CONTENTS

FOREWORD

THE RESOLUTION REVOLUTION

PART I: THIS IS WHO I AM.

SURPRISINGLY SATISFIED

A RESOLUTION TO BE CONTENT

Every Bite Counts

The Secret

Overflowing Blessing

The Balancing Point

PURPOSEFULLY FEMININE

A RESOLUTION TO CHAMPION BIBLICAL FEMININITY

Pretty in Print?

It's Good to Be a Girl

Role Reversal

AUTHENTICALLY ME

A RESOLUTION TO VALUE MYSELF AND CELEBRATE OTHERS

Intelligent Design

Supernatural Selection

Happy to Be You

The Affirmation Crusade

FAITHFULLY HIS

A RESOLUTION TO BE DEVOTED TO CHRIST AND

DEFINED BY HIS WORD

Divine Appointments

Faith vs. Faithfulness

I'd Like a Word with You

PART II: THIS IS WHAT I HAVE.

MY BEST

A RESOLUTION TO DEVOTE MYSELF COMPLETELY TO

GOD'S PRIORITIES FOR MY LIFE

Boxes

Timing Is Everything

Anything, Everything, and Whatever

It Only Works When I Breathe

MY BLESSING

A RESOLUTION TO ESTEEM OTHERS WITH MY TIME,

CONCERN, AND FULL ATTENTION

The Gift

Shhhh

Underneath It Al

MY FORGIVENESS

A RESOLUTION TO RELEASE OTHERS FROM THE

PRISON OF MY HURT AND ANGER

Internal Injuries

Al Clear

No More Circles

MY INTEGRITY

A RESOLUTION TO LIVE WITH THE HIGHEST

STANDARDS OF VIRTUE AND PURITY

Structural Soundness

The Three Percent Difference

From Strength to Strength

MY

HEART

A RESOLUTION TO CARE

Look Again

How Do You Heal an Unbroken Heart?

Mercy Me

Part III: This is what matters to me.

FULFILLING MY HUSBAND

A RESOLUTION TO BE THE KIND OF WOMAN WHO

TRULY BLESSES HER MAN

Marriage Proposal

Hopes and Fears

Need a Little Peace and Quiet?

LOVING MY CHILDREN

A RESOLUTION TO TRAIN MY KIDS IN RIGHTEOUSNESS

True Love

The Soul Shaper

The Intentional Encourager

The Discipline Dealer

LIVING WITH GRACE

A RESOLUTION TO MAKE MY HOME A WELCOME

PLACE TO BE

Grace

OK

Off Broadway

Sabbath Spaces

LEAVING A GODLY LEGACY

A RESOLUTION TO LIVE TODAY WITH TOMORROW IN

MIND

Choose Wisely

Unexpected Legacy

Set in Stones

FOREWORD

After a year of prayer, God birthed the vision for the

movie Courageous as well as the Resolutions for both

men and women. We began to ask what would happen if

the men and women of this generation ful y resolved and

committed themselves to live for what matters most.

What if we let go of the baggage of our past, clarified our

convictions, and then pursued faithfulness to God, our

marriages, and children for the rest of our lives? Many

great men and women in Scripture and in recent history

have defined and then lived by their own personal

resolution. Now it's our turn!

As we began developing the Resolution for Men, we also

prayed for God's direction concerning who should write

the Resolution for Women. He clearly led us to Priscil a

Shirer, whose unique calling, grasp of Scripture, and

testimony are a picture of multigenerational faithfulness.

Priscil a dove into this project with prayerful passion and

the understanding that God is calling all women to a new

season. Women who reflect their ful purpose and

potential. Women who embrace life with joy and

fulfil ment and are known for being faithful in each area

of their lives. Women who understand that this involves

discipline and self-sacrifice, but that it can happen as

they allow the Word of God to nurture them and the

Spirit of God to take control of them and have His way.

This Resolution for Women wil both stir and challenge

you. It wil speak to the best part of who you are. It wil

remind you of your priceless value and the wonderful,

God-honoring reasons why you were created. Then it

wil push you to embrace your current season of life by

defining what matters to you most in the midst of it. This

book wil encourage, inspire, and even provoke and

irritate you. But at every place, it wil lead you to devote

yourself to making and keeping commitments that wil

bring you all the blessings and joys of a life in pursuit of

God's best.

As you read, you wil find yourself analyzing the choices

you make and the perspectives you hold. You wil begin

refining your worldview and slowly reshaping much of

what you believe about your various roles in life. And

that's exactly what we hope you do. We believe this book

could transform your life, your marriage, your children,

and your friendships. Why? Because it's based on biblical

truth. And His Word is living and powerful and never

returns void. It's true that you can't do this in your own

strength. Be freed to admit that up front. But everyone

wants to believe there is a better person inside of

themselves. And with the Lord's guidance and

involvement, this is not only possible but is realistic and

obtainable! He has already promised to complete the

gracious work He has started in you (Philippians 1:6).

As Priscil a shares her personal stories, you may find

yourself laughing with her, crying with her, and nodding

your head in every chapter. You wil also cringe a few

times as the Lord uses the truth in this book to mold your

own character and spiritual maturity. But don't be afraid

to let that happen. It's part of becoming the godly woman

of grace He wants you to be! And she is amazing!

So find the place in your home or your day where you

enjoy reading the most. Open up your heart, your mind,

and even your journal, then ask the Holy Spirit to help

you ful y interweave God's principles into your daily life!

We recommend praying before you read each chapter,

asking God to speak through the Scripture passages and

testimonies written in this book.

Then watch what He does to the person you know as you.

There just may be some changes on the horizon—good

ones whose time is now. And it wil all be for His glory!

Fasten your seat belt! God's about to go to work!

May the Lord bless you as you begin.

Alex Kendrick

Stephen Kendrick

THE RESOLUTION REVOLUTION

Resolution: [rez-uh-loo-shun] n

a. the act of resolving or determining upon an action or

course of action, method, procedure, etc.

b. the mental state or quality of being resolved or

resolute; firmness of purpose.

I'l admit, I'm sensitive about resolutions. Frankly, the

whole word and its meaning disturb me a bit.

Maybe it's my natural y spontaneous, carefree,

impromptu personality that's offended at the thought—

binding myself to a set of decisions I'm going to feel

obligated to keep even after my enthusiasm has waned,

which I know it wil . Something about putting a plan on

paper and being held accountable to it seems so definite

and concrete. Scares me a little.

Or quite possibly it's the mere fact that I've made so many

of these goals and promises before and haven't always

fol owed through on them. Resolutions about diet and

exercise, budgeting and financial planning, priorities and

balance, or just completing a to-do list by the end of the

day. Fail enough times, and you don't feel like trying

again.

And yet once a year, around mid-December, mil ions of

us start to think about the fresh resolves we need to

consider, even if these new leaves and high ideals make

no more than a cameo appearance on the stage of our

mind. Some of us, for our own varied reasons, ultimately

decide they're not worth the effort. And yet some people

find the strength to gird up their druthers, steady

themselves, and tenaciously forge into the new year with

a particular set of plans in tow.

I'm always impressed by the diligence of those who make

their promises stick, whether at New Year's or at any

other time. And the longer it takes for their investment to

turn into tangible dividends they can see and enjoy, the

more awestruck I am by what they've accomplished—

what I've accomplished by being dedicated to my

commitments. For even though I may have an adverse

initial reaction to the term, I do have an appreciation for

resolutions.

In fact, I make them every single day.

So do you.

Right now—whether you realize it or not—you're

choosing to treat people a certain way, to stay committed

to certain activities, to live a certain life, to be a certain

kind of person, to not be a certain kind of person. Either

way, you've made a decision. A spoken (or unspoken)

declaration. A defining banner hangs over your life,

written in the ink of your own choices. Others can read

it, even if you can't.

You're already a woman of resolutions.

They're making you who you are. They're determining

the life you'l end up living, the tomorrow you'l end up

shaping.

So since making resolutions is something we all do

anyway, the question for us to grapple with is not

whether we'l ever dare to make any more of them but

whether we're going to be intentional about the ones we

do make. We need to make sure the banner that flies over

our lives and announces to the world who we genuinely

are is one that says what we want it to say, one that

changes things in us and around us for the better.

That's what this book is all about.

I feel responsible for telling you this, even as you turn

these first few pages. I want you to know what you're

getting into, just in case you'd rather opt out and close

the cover before you get any deeper. This book isn't for

pleasure reading. In fact, some of it may not be very

pleasurable at all. You'l most likely find it a bit

antagonistic and convicting in spots. Every single chapter

and entry you're about to lay eyes on is going to compel

you to decide whether you wil or you won't, whether

you do or you don't, whether you can or you can't. The

choice is yours.

But I'm praying right here at the forefront that you'l

make the choice to continue on with me, because I'm

convinced this one is worth it.

Even if you're not the resolution-making type.

Even if you're in relationship with someone who doesn't

respect what you're doing and has no intention of

making any resolutions of their own.

Even if you're a tad unconvinced that any of this wil

make one bit of difference in the life you're currently

living.

Even if you're not in the mood for it and don't have the

track record to back it up.

Come with me on a resolution revolution journey that

wil be worth every step we take together. Why?

First, this resolution is with God. Unlike many of the New

Year's variety, these resolutions are founded squarely on

principles that God Himself has established. These are

more than just determinations you make within yourself;

they are girded about with the power of the Holy Spirit—

encouraging you, comforting you, equipping you,

empowering you with the strength you need to carry

them out. Essentially, these are His resolutions for you.

And second, this resolution wil impact the people you

love. If you're married, I'm talking about your husband. If

you're a mom, I'm talking about your children. If you're

single, I'm talking about your friends and family. Even if

none of these people appear to actively admire or

support your efforts in making this resolution, you're

going to be doing business with God and making

decisions based on His Word. And the deep impact this

wil have on your life wil overflow into the experiences

of those around you. Sometimes the greatest miracle of

all is the one that happens in your own heart, the change

that takes place in you and then surprises you as it filters

into the seams and fabric of your whole life. The effects

of a changed person on her surroundings can be

staggering.

You may find yourself tempted as you read along to point

a finger of blame and frustration in other people's

direction. "What about my husband? Why isn't he

inclined to change? Why is it always about what I'm

supposed to be doing, instead of my family, my children,

my coworkers, my friends? Aren't they a part of this

equation too?" You may feel like rol ing your eyes at the

seemingly one-sided skew of some of the conversations

we're going to have.

So let me just be clear. This book is slanted. It's decidedly

and purposeful y designed not to take into consideration

the actions (or inactions) of the other members of your

family or the people who live and work and go to church

with you. I'm not going to be addressing your husband or

how he should behave. This is about what you wil do,

what you wil become by God's grace from this day

forward. This is the Resolution for WOMEN. More

specifically, one woman. You.

And all you need to know and care about is that in God's

impeccable timing and design, He has brought this book

into your life for this particular season. He is calling you

to make the hard yet necessary decision to face these

chapters and the themes they present with a strong dose

of courage, a prodigious amount of wil ingness to look

inward, not outward, and a steady confidence in His

Spirit to empower you to fol ow through on these

resolves, regardless of how little your spouse or others

may seem compelled to fol ow your example.

So take a moment, right now, in the quiet of your own

heart to gloat. Go ahead. You know you want to. Pat

yourself on the back. Give yourself a high five. Celebrate

the sterling woman you must be to brave a book like this,

one that demands nothing less than a radical response

from anyone who reads it.

Did you do it? Good.

Now get over yourself and let's get on with it already.

There's work to be done and resolutions to be made.

Please know I'm well aware that life rarely shows up

with three hours of quiet and a throw to drape across

your lap. Such curled-up moments are made for catalog

pictures and daydreams, not usually for us. So I've

deliberately written this book in a cadence that I hope

wil match your reading realities. Here a little, there a

little— whenever there's an opening. I'm hoping you'l

never pul it out and wonder, Now where was I? because

just about every bookmark placement is its own new

experience. A beginning thought. Fresh for you, right for

that moment.

My hope is that you'l read this book slowly and

purposeful y—not with the intention of finishing but of

engaging with each segment. So at the end of each little

section or chapter, you'l find some questions or concepts

to consider, perhaps a suggested, practical application

for you to implement. I encourage you to take your time,

maybe even a ful day between segments so you can put

into practice what you're reading within the rhythms of

your own life. Again, resist the urge to "just finish."

Choose instead to consider careful y where you stand

with each suggestion and biblical principle, and then

spend time practicing what you're resolving to

implement into your life. These same questions could also

be adapted for use in a small group or a regular

gathering of friends, enabling you to work through these

points with some sisters who can keep you accountable.

That's how a resolution becomes revolutionary. Life

changing.

Ultimately, the experiences we have together within the

pages of each section wil lead us to a moment of

decision: the crafting of a new resolution statement. A

promise. An action. A purpose to be wrapped around our

lives until we are more thoroughly shaped into the image

of God's wil and desire. I'l ask you to read it over

prayerful y—to speak it out loud—and then sign your

name to it. I think it would be good, too, if you'd consider

making these resolutions with your family present or

with a group of godly friends who can help you (while

you also help them) to become everything these pledges

are meant to accomplish. By no means are you promising

to be perfect; rather, you're making a commitment

simply to begin—to journey forward in the direction that

particular resolution is pointing you.

You'l find thirteen resolutions in this book:

1. I DO SOLEMNLY RESOLVE to embrace my current

season of life and wil maximize my time in it. I wil

resist the urge to hurry through or circumvent any

portion of my journey but wil live with a spirit of

contentment.

2. I WILL CHAMPION God's model for womanhood in

the face of a post-feminist culture. I wil teach it to my

daughters and encourage its support by my sons.

3. I WILL ACCEPT and celebrate my uniqueness, and wil

esteem and encourage the distinctions I admire in others.

4. I WILL LIVE as a woman answerable to God and

faithful y committed to His Word.

5. I WILL SEEK to devote the best of myself, my time, and

my talents to the primary roles the Lord has entrusted to

me in this phase of my life.

6. I WILL BE a woman who is quick to listen and slow to

speak. I wil care about the concerns of others and

esteem them more highly than myself.

7. I WILL FORGIVE those who have wronged me and

reconcile with those I have wronged.

8. I WILL NOT TOLERATE evil influences even in the

most justifiable form, in myself or my home, but wil

embrace and encourage a life of purity.

9. I WILL PURSUE justice, love mercy, and extend

compassion toward others.

10. I WILL BE FAITHFUL to my husband and honor him

in my conduct and conversation in order to bring glory

to the name of the Lord. I wil aspire to be a suitable

partner for him to help him reach his God-given

potential.

11. I WILL DEMONSTRATE to my children how to love

God with all their hearts, minds, and strength, and wil

train them to respect authority and live responsibly.

12. I WILL CULTIVATE a peaceful home where everyone

can sense God's presence not only through acts of love

and service but also through the pleasant and grateful

attitude with which I perform them.

13. I FULLY RESOLVE to make today's decisions with

tomorrow's impact in mind. I wil consider my current

choices in light of those who wil come after me.

No matter how well you're already doing in each of these

areas or what season of life you're in, the Lord is always

calling and challenging you to grow because His ability

to make your life more radiant and abundant is

absolutely endless. The more you grow, the more His

power is able to flow through you, satisfying your heart

and transforming your world.

It's a revolution. One that wil affect your life in every

way.

And I'm confident, my fellow sister on the journey, that

in this place and through these pages, your life wil start

to intentionally change. With God. With abandon.

So are you ready?

Then let's go!

Priscilla

PART I

THIS IS WHO I AM

SURPRISELY

SATISFIED

A RESOLUTION TO BE CONTENT

EVERY BITE COUNTS

"This is going to be a good year for you, my friend.

Thirty-six is a great age."

Thirty-six.

It was the end of December, and that's how old I was

about to turn. I sat across the table from a friend who'd

long since passed that decade of her life and watched her

brown eyes glimmer with a tinge of remembered

excitement.

I'm not sure why, but something about what she said

really got to me. Maybe it was just the way she said it.

Maybe it was the expression in her eyes as she looked at

me. Maybe it was the little smirk that curled up at the

corners of her petite lips. Whatever it was, it drew me in,

got my attention, and settled into my mind and heart for

consideration.

I thought about this birthday of mine from her

perspective. On occasion we'd discussed the happenings

of her twenties, the surprises that interrupted her thirties,

and the settledness that had held her hand, grateful y

escorting her into her forties. She'd now been married for

twenty-five years, raised three incredible children,

dealt with the unexpected twists and turns of life that

most any person standing on the cusp of her fiftieth year

has probably lived through. She'd seen disappointment,

experienced incredible joy, and was now living a ful life

complete with deep friendships and an even deeper faith.

And here at a Christmastime restaurant table adorned

with a delectable molten chocolate cake that we were

ravenously sharing, she sighed the ful breath of a

woman satisfied. She swept her blonde bangs off her

eyelids, cocked her head slightly, and told me that the

season I was about to enter was a good one, that I should

face it with expectation and enjoy its blessings. The kids

are a bit more self-sufficient, marriage a few years more

mature, the body stil pretty much pointed in a northerly

direction.

Yup, recalling that year in her life made her smile. It had

been good.

And with that simple comment spoken, she went back to

her eating—fork to mouth dripping with chocolaty

goodness.

She must not have noticed my reaction. Didn't notice the

weight of her comment hitting me with a ful blow, like a

baseball player swinging and connecting with the pitch.

With one abrupt flick of the wrist, she had sent my heart

sailing into the outfield of conviction. The thing she was

suggesting, implying in so many words—the way she

was proposing for me to approach this next phase of life

I was entering—was exactly opposite of what my

proclivity had been.

I'm the type of person, you see, who rushes ahead, who

often just goes through the motions of any current

activity on my way to the next one. My heart and my

body haven't always been good about sharing the same

space. Instead of relishing each moment, each year, each

opportunity, each step on the journey, I'm constantly

overeager to get to the next thing, which always looks

more enticing that what's currently before me. I'm rarely

satisfied in ful with my present station.

A quick mental inventory revealed the facts, presenting

ample evidence to support the claim that I hadn't really

been in attendance for large portions of my life. As a

teenager, I'd impatiently rushed toward young adulthood

ful throttle. As a single university student, I couldn't wait

to be in a committed relationship and out of col ege so

that life could "really begin." Then with a loving mate promised for life, I enjoyed our first years of marriage,

but during some of them I secretly harbored

discontentment with our childlessness. And when the

kids started coming, the nights were long and the days

even longer, and I prayed through each of them that

bedtime would come more quickly today than I'd

remembered it coming the day before. I was present for

all of those years of my life as a student, a wife, a mom—

a woman—and yet there was so little I could really

remember, few emotions I could recall that accompanied

some of the events of life. Why? Because I'd been there,

but I hadn't really been there.

And with my thirty-fifth year coming to a close, it

occurred to me that I hadn't engaged ful y in that one

either. Oh, I'd enjoyed it for the most part, but I hadn't

soaked in it, relishing it, cherishing it, celebrating it,

appreciating it for what it was—the only thirty-fifth year

my life would ever know. Now it was nearly over, and

before me stretched another year, populated with all the

things, people, events, relationships, and milestones that

would make it a once-in-a-lifetime experience—my

only chance to ful y be the person I'd be at this age and in

this season. Only for the coming year would my husband

be exactly like this. Only for these fleeting moments

would my children talk, look, and act exactly like this.

And if I chose to hurry through them in an attempt to

avoid the parts I didn't like, I'd simultaneously miss all

the things I did like about this season.

I recognized that by rushing through life, I'd been subtly

devaluing those around me and the experiences I was

involved in, not appreciating the importance and

significance they bring to my life at this very moment,

not grasping my responsibility for holding dear and

treating well these gifts God has entrusted to me. Instead

of embracing the privilege of being a blessing to my

husband, my children, my friends, and others, I'd been

quietly communicating that I wanted them to change

and speed up, to get busy being somebody else, someone

who's more in line with what I want and need, to hurry

along to a place where they could make me happier than

they currently do.

That's been me. Always looking toward the next moment,

the next month, the next event, rarely allowing myself

the privilege of ful y participating and embracing the

happenings that were right before me for that day.

And with one final bite of the most eye-opening dessert

date I may have ever had, I realized this feeling had a

name: discontentment. He shows up at your doorstep just

like mine, eager to step inside and make himself at home.

But instead of only coming for short visits on rare

occasion, he refuses to leave, spreading his baggage

everywhere, fil ing up corners of your space that you

thought you'd locked up to this odious intruder. He

comes. He lingers. He robs you of your years. Then before

you know it, you've missed out on the joys in the journey,

the growth that comes from battling through the

difficulties, the sweet and savory experience of creating

the memories.

I snapped out of my momentary trance and looked down

at my plate. No more ful bites left. Just chocolate syrup

lacing the bottom, along with tiny crumbs of spongy cake

dotted with miniscule dol ops of whipped cream. With

new resolve I started scraping up everything I could

salvage, not wanting to leave behind any part of this

delicious experience. Mmmmm. It had been worth all the

hard work. Tasted just as good as the first.

Glad I didn't miss anything on my plate.

Promising never again to miss anything in my life.

• Careful y consider what the Bible says about

contentment:

• "True godliness with contentment is itself great wealth."

(I Timothy 6:6 NLT)

• "If we have food and clothing, with these we shall be

content (satisfied)." (I Timothy 6:8 AMP)

• "Make sure that your character is free from the love of

money, being content with what you have; for He

Himself has said, 'I wil never desert you, nor wil I ever

forsake you.'" (Hebrews 13:5 NASB)

• What have you been hurrying through?

• What have you been hurrying to get to?

• What are some of the good parts of your experience

that you've missed in your attempt to rush through the

more difficult ones?

• What can you do differently today to "scrape the

plate"—to gather up all the good things around you and

begin enjoying the journey of your life?

THE SECRET

My boys like secrets. In fact, we have a whole game we

play that's centered around them. Sometimes when their

friends come over, we'l all stand in a single-file line. The

person in front whispers a secret to the one behind him,

and then the mysterious dialogue is sent from one to

another until it reaches the end. Almost always by that

time, whatever was shared between the first two

participants has become misunderstood, misinterpreted,

or otherwise manipulated along the way. Somehow the

message just never gets translated clearly all the way

back.

And judging from our current position in line as women

today, in this culture, the same thing has happened to us.

What we hear described as the secret of our satisfaction

sounds a lot different than it did when it was first spoken

and handed down many centuries ago.

Today we hear a philosophy of happiness that's actually

been training us for a long time not to be happy. It says

there's always something else, something more, some

additional requirement we need before we can really

enjoy life the way it was meant to be enjoyed. So the

advertisements bombard us with suggestions, dripping

with recommendations intended to whet our appetites

and tantalize our taste buds, encouraging us to get rid of

the old and acquire the new, to be dissatisfied with what

we already have.

If you're single, you should have the security of

marriage.

If you're married, you should have the freedom of

singleness.

If you live in an apartment, you should own a home by

now.

If you own a home, it should be bigger than the one

you've got.

Getting the message?

Your clothes should be from this vendor.

Your appearance should look like that trend.

Your kids should be more like those kids.

Your standard of success should be measured by these

standards.

The fallout from this is inevitable. Fed by such a steady

diet of unclaimed desires, we can hardly help but

develop a level of disdain for our current circumstances.

Caught in this vicious cycle, we consequently feel

incomplete and substandard. Unhappy. Uncontrol ed.

Unfulfil ed.

Dissatisfied.

This is precisely why a satisfied woman is such a

surprising woman. She is shockingly noticeable to a

world that lives on a watered-down version of the secret

—a secret that she obviously got the truth about. You can

tell it by her peace and serenity, by her solace and

restfulness, by the mysterious sense of ease that

accompanies her. Her presence alone delivers an air of

refreshment to any setting she enters, to anyone she's

around.

The rarity and uniqueness of a woman who has chosen

to be satisfied with what she has, with who she is, and

with where she lives is as uncommon and worth

celebrating as a Texas snowfall at Christmas. She's

caught the faint whisper of a secret passed down through

the ages, and she's chosen to trust its wisdom and to

frame her life according to it. She's a woman of substance

because she's a woman of satisfaction, a woman who's

chosen contentment over displeasure.

Just like the person who first put the secret into words.

Contentment wasn't some unique gift the apostle Paul

had been given. It wasn't an automatic facet of his

personality. It was a skil he had chosen and adopted,

then had mastered and applied to his tumultuous life

experience. As a result, he could say with biblical

assurance, "I have learned to be content in whatever

circumstances I am" (Philippians 4:11).

He'd learned.

Come to realize.

Acquired the skil .

Developed the discipline.

Honed the ability.

And it all started with a "secret" (4:12)—a mystery that held strong and true even when his external

circumstances were hardly conducive to living with a

relaxed sense of well-being. He was well acquainted with

disappointment and lack. He'd been beaten, stoned, and

hounded by his enemies. In fact, when he wrote these

words in a letter to Christian believers in the ancient

Macedonian city of Philippi, he was in prison facing

death, enduring some of the most extreme circumstances

a person can imagine. Nothing was going well for him.

He wasn't in denial. He readily admitted that things

looked bad. Neither was he playing the persecution card,

acting like a martyr, trying to draw some measure of

satisfaction from knowing he was going through more

than everyone else.

He just knew a secret. And the secret gave him peace and

serenity in the teeth of his ominous difficulties—the

same secret we also can reach out and grab and hold on

to when things are as bad as they can get, or perhaps

when they're simply just not what we prefer. It's the key

to unleashing a flood of joy into our hearts, the kind that

rages within no matter what is raging without.

Paul's secret was this: he had resolved to be content.

I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I

am. I know both how to have a little, and I know how to

have a lot. In any and all circumstances I have learned

the secret of being content—whether well fed or hungry,

whether in abundance or in need. I am able to do all

things through Him who strengthens me. (Philippians

4:11-13)

The Greek word he originally penned in verse 11 to

communicate our word content referred to an inner

sufficiency—a satisfaction found through the depth of

one's own life with God, independent of our

surroundings. When unearthed and put to use, this

"secret" sufficiency is able to bring a ful measure of enjoyment and emotional stability to any kind of life

experience, no matter how dul or distressing.

Not just for Paul.

For you. For me.

And that puts women like us in a position to be

amazingly free.

When you've concluded that what you already have on

hand is enough, that it's adequate—that it's been deemed

by God as sufficient—then you're equipped and

empowered to participate ful y in the tasks set before you

during this season of life. Paul described it like this:

God is able to make every grace overflow to you, so that

in every way, always having everything you need, you

may excel in every good work. (2 Corinthians 9:8)

One thing leads to another. The more you believe that

God's grace to you is overflowing, the more you'l be

convinced that you wil always have everything you

need. And the more certain you are that you'l never lack,

the more wil ing and able you'l be to give of yourself and

your resources when called for because you'l be certain

God wil always replenish your supply.

You can just bank on that. Your God can be trusted to

grant you the supply you need to excel at His purposes.

So if you don't have it—whatever it is—it's because you

don't need it. You may want it, but it's not necessary in

order to accomplish what He knows is most important

for your life today. Otherwise He'd have given it to you.

He loves you too much to "withhold the good from those

who live with integrity" (Psalm 84:11).

Whatever He's given or not given, He's done for a specific

reason—a reason known only to Him perhaps but one

you can trust with ful confidence, sight unseen. Every

decision you need to make, every task you need to

accomplish, every relationship you need to navigate,

every element of daily life you need to traverse, God has

already perfectly matched up with an equivalent-to-

overflowing supply of His grace. If you don't agree with

that, then you either lack a proper appreciation for what

you have, or you are doing things that you're not

supposed to be participating in right now.

You can always tell people who operate from a position

of perceived lack and deficiency. They're stingy with

their time. They're selfish with their resources. They're

tight fisted with their energy. They're reluctant to sow of

themselves into the lives of others because they're afraid

they don't have enough to do it with and stil have

enough left over for themselves. Not enough time,

energy, talent, money, skil , patience. They're like my

two-year-old, unwil ing to share with his friends for fear

he'l run out of what he's got.

But whenever we operate that way, the "every good

work" that Paul outlines—the truly important tasks and

relationships of life, the ones that promise blessing to us

as well as to others—go unattended and undone. We're

not able to ful y participate, much less excel in

something, when we don't feel like we have the proper

amount, the proper brand, the proper type of resources

with which to participate in the first place. So the "work"

misses out on our touch, and we miss the many ways the

"work" could touch us—the impact, the memories, the

lessons, the experiences that God is knitting together to

become a key part of our story.

God has already given enough. He always does.

And when you and I choose to recognize this and trust in

His continued supply, we'l be able to engage in life in a

way we never have before. We'l finally be living life to

the ful est.

You've found the secret.

Now you can pass it on.

• A woman of contentment is aware of her needs and

what God has already supplied to meet them. Begin your

journey to contentment by making a list. Label one side

"My Needs." Label the other "God's Provision'.' Then match up your needs with the way God is currently

meeting them. Place your list in a handy place for the

times you are tempted to lean toward dissatisfaction.

• What might God be trying to grow in your character or

cement in your relationship with Him by keeping you

separated from some of the things you want but don't yet

have?

OVERFLOWING BLESSING

Give, and you wil receive. Your gift wil return

to you in ful — pressed down, shaken together to

make room for more, running over, and poured into

your lap. The amount you give wil determine

the amount you get back.

(Luke 6:38 NLT)

"Use exact measurements." That's what my recipe card

says. Emphasis on the word "exact." I was given this list of instructions by a friend who not only shared her

technique for baking the best bread I've ever tasted but

also a jar of bread "starter" for me to keep in the

refrigerator. Now I had the chance to see if I could match

her abilities. To amaze my family with homemade bread.

That kind of homemade bread. Like hers.

Once a week I go to the refrigerator and pul out the

starter—a bubbling liquid concoction that serves as the

foundation for this fabulous bread. Then I unfold the

tattered piece of paper she gave me, and I careful y

fol ow the written guidelines. These are extremely

important, she told me.

Boy, was she ever right.

This bread is moody. It has a bit of an attitude problem.

You're never quite sure what sets it off, but one little

bobble in the preparation process can keep the dough

from rising properly or baking to a perfectly golden

brown. You have to be careful.

As time has gone along, my kids have begun to help me

with this, pul ing their stools over to the counter, eager to

dirty their hands in the kneading process. But before

kneading, the flour must be added. Six cups, to be exact.

And "exact" those scoops must be. I can now entrust this step into the hands of my six-year-old, who's seen with

his own eyes the kind of mood swings a loaf can exhibit

when fed with too much or too little flour. He's gotten

this down to a science—a Luke 6:38 science: "a good

measure—pressed down, shaken together."

He reaches the utensil down into the airtight flour bin

and col ects "a good measure." Nothing skimpy about the serving he's gathered. Thankful y he's stil holding the

measuring cup over the container because flour is

spil ing from the sides of his scoop. But knowing the need

for just the right amount to be added to the ingredients,

which are already poured and waiting in a nearby bowl,

his tiny fingers secure a good grasp on the handle, and

he gently "shakes" the cup.

I've explained to him that this shaking action eliminates

the air pockets that can form underneath, occupying

space that can stil be fil ed with flour. By shaking it

enough, he can be sure that every square inch of

measuring cup is being used for his purpose.

Finally he puts his other hand on top of the mound and

pats gently to make sure it is "pressed down." Inevitably he finds that the cup can now hold more than before. So

he continues to add flour, leveling it off until he

determines it's as ful as possible. Then he pours the

scoop into the mixing bowl.

Six times he does this. Scoop, shake, press down. Scoop,

shake, press down. There's only one part of the biblical

directions his il ustration is lacking. And it's the part that

compels us to choose contentment over discontentment

every day: "a good measure— pressed down, shaken

together, and running over."

It appears there's nothing exact about God's recipe of

return to us. His gifts are overflowing. He's not stingy

with His goodness or ungenerous with His supply. When

you choose to give, He promises you'l have enough—

more than you think—fil ing you back up with even

more than you had to begin with. Not just a good

measure, not just one that's been pressed down and

shaken together—not even one that's fair, equal to what

you deserve—but one that is brimming over, unable to

be contained by its recipient.

Now, by no means am I suggesting that you should

always and without question give of yourself at the

expense of the relationships and purposes that should be

prioritized in your life. Sometimes the best, most

empowering word you can learn to utter is no. But on

those occasions when you do feel genuinely led by God to

give, you needn't be worried about what appears to be a

dwindling amount of personal resources to suit the task.

If He has endorsed your involvement, you can proceed

with complete contentment and wil ingness, knowing He

wil always give back far more than you ever expended.

The contented woman, when required to give of her

time, her love, her resources. . herself. . is secure in the

knowledge that she possesses enough to do it. And she

looks forward to experiencing the promise of an

outlandish return on her investment.

I can imagine what you may be thinking because I've

thought it too. .

• My energy level is so low.

• My "love tank" is running so close to empty, I'm sure I'm about to stall.

• It's only Tuesday, but my patience quota has already

been used up for the week.

• My wallet is even emptier than I remember, and my

financial needs aren't going away.

Yet just when you feel as though you're completely void

of anything worthwhile to offer, or when your situation

makes you feel justified in not being the one to

participate, you'l often hear Him whispering..

"Give, and it wil be given to you."

And when He scoops up the dividends that He'l be

sending back your way, He won't be short and scanty

about it. He won't skim off the excess or be bound by an

"exact" measurement. He wil supply you a portion that is abundantly good and beyond what is warranted. He'l

shake and press, shake and press, to make sure no

pockets of air are taking up space reserved for His

blessing. And then He'l pile up His favor and grace into

such a rounded heap that it wil spil off the sides, more

than you can hold. Your hands and heart wil try to

grasp every morsel that falls from your ful container,

but there wil be too much coming, far too fast.

Good thing you've got a lap. For on it wil fall the

abundance you cannot gather any other way, the surplus

for which there is no more space. And it just keeps

coming and coming.

This is the reward for the woman resolved to

contentment.

So "give, and it wil be given to you; a good measure—

pressed down, shaken together, and running over—wil

be poured into your lap."

It appears that the best way to get more of what you need

is to give away the little you think you have left—at the

appropriate time and in the appropriate way. Yes, the

best way to be surprisingly satisfied is to be irrationally

released to respond to God's promptings to serve, even

when doing so seems impossible because of your

perceived lack.

So make the resolution—the resolution to be content.

Then look toward heaven with holy anticipation, and sit

with your long skirt gathered up in folds and draped

loosely across your lap, prepared to catch the overflow in

the welcome pockets of room you've created. Live this

moment. Pour yourself out. Drain the experience of each

precious day. And be prepared for God's overflowing

blessing.

• When you consider your level of wil ingness to give of

yourself, does it reveal more contentment or

discontentment residing in your heart? In what way?

• Based on God's provisions that you listed at the end of

the last chapter, what is one thing you could close this

book and go do for someone else out of that resource?

• Record your thoughts regarding this statement:

"Sometimes the best, most empowering word you can

learn to utter is no."

THE BALANCING POINT

Hopeful y your eyes have been opened to realize how

many needs God has already met in your life that you've

been discounting. Yet I'm ful y aware that your list of

unmet wants may stil be extensive as well. So possibly

this clarion call to live satisfied with what God has

already given feels almost like admitted defeat—a

resignation to the status quo, a life of mediocrity. Maybe

it feels as if choosing contentment is a simultaneous

choice to quell your desires and silence your future

aspirations, to quit ever hoping for more.

On the contrary, contentment is the equilibrium between

the enjoyment of life now and the anticipation of what is

to come. Contentment serves as a guard against desires

gone wild. It is the key to unlock you from the bondage

of unrestrained longing that wells up within your heart

and inevitably begins to control your life, making you a

slave to what you don't have instead of a ful y engaged

participant with what you do. It is the faith-fil ed belief

that what God has bestowed now is worthy of gratitude

and appreciation, not merely because it is enough but

because it is good.

By choosing contentment, you're not getting rid of your

desires; you're just demanding that they assume an

appropriate, humble position in your life, not bossing

you around like a tyrannical dictator forcing you to

submit to his ever-growing and ever-changing list of

demands. It means you no longer allow your yearnings

and aspirations to control you, to rob from you the ful

use of and gratitude for what you've currently been

given, leaving you unable to enjoy this because He hasn't

seen fit to give you that.

Making this resolution of contentment wil offer you an

opportunity to look forward to tomorrow with peace and

ease and an appropriate level of anticipation instead of

the frustration and hurriedness that often accompanies

our glances toward the future. It wil be your ticket to

live with goals and ambitions inspired by His expansive,

mind-blowing wil , without having to sacrifice today's

blessing.

In staying surprisingly satisfied, you actually receive the

best of both worlds. You give yourself permission to

enjoy ful y the things you have, the person you are, and

the life you're currently living while continuing to

harbor the dreams that keep you growing and stretching

into the future.

So the businessperson gets to relish today's

accomplishments while at the same time having high

expectations for tomorrow. The homemaker learns to

thrive on the joyful chaos of today's tasks while calmly,

patiently looking forward to the slower pace her future

may hold. The single woman is actually able to enjoy her

independence— not just pretend she does—and yet be

equally excited about what sharing life with a future

mate may be like. She neither has to abandon hope of

marriage nor cave to those depressing tinges of self-pity

and emptiness.

It's a balance. A holy equilibrium. A genuine gratitude for

what the day brings, all the while maintaining a

control ed anticipation for what tomorrow may offer.

That's the safe, healthy place where contentment allows

you to take root and take up residence. Instead of being

manipulated by unrestrained discontent, instead of

allowing restlessness to hustle you into decisions,

relationships, and opportunities that you're unable to

recognize as being faulty from the outset, contentment

keeps your mind clear. Peaceful. Settled. Undisturbed.

Happy to be here, and when God determines the time is

right, happy to be there.

It's a resolution to be satisfied.

It's a resolution that wil change your life.

• Go back and reread your answers and comments from

the questions in this section. Then read the resolution

you are about to make. Pray about it. Sit with it a while.

Rest in it. Even if you're exhausted from life's challenges

and demands, make this a moment to breathe deep and

savor what God is inviting you into, what He's asking you

to give and what He's promising to supply you in order to

do it. When you're ready, make this resolution out loud,

maybe even in the presence of someone who can help

hold you accountable to it. Then sign your name below it.

SURPRISINGLY SATISFIED

I do solemnly resolve to embrace my current season of

life and wil maximize my time in it. I wil resist the urge

to hurry through or circumvent any portion of my

journey but wil live with a spirit of contentment.

__________________________________

PURPOSEFULLY

FEMININE

A RESOLUTION TO CHAMPION BIBLICAL FEMININITY

PRETTY IN PRINT?

A reporter for the New York Times Magazine sat across

from my husband and me at a local Panera Bread

restaurant. And shockingly, grateful y, we were at ease.

We;d scheduled this meeting months earlier, and I'd been

concerned ever since. This wasn't some local media outlet

or cable-access news channel with a narrow

demographic. This was the New York Times. "The Gray

Lady." Al 160 years of her. They wanted to do a story on

the women's role in both the home and church, and

somehow they had decided that this expanded Sunday

article should feature Jerry and me as its central

characters.

Seriously?

We weren't quite sure what to think about this or why

they'd choose to highlight a couple like us. Sounded a bit

like a possible trap—setting us up to parody as outdated

relics with anachronistic viewpoints, people who had

turned a blind eye to the advancements of women in the

modern age. It was hard for me to imagine any scenario

where this major secular news outfit wasn't going to

paint our beliefs and practices as being weird and

obsolete, and us along with them.

For days and weeks prior to this face-to-face meeting, I

had stewed over how to prepare myself, certain that

whatever I said was going to be misrepresented,

misunderstood, taken out of context, written in a way

that was misleading. Even as the hour approached, I

braced myself for a tyrant of a reporter, antagonistic,

snarling, eager to attack not only my views on being

feminine in the twenty-first century but also my

marriage.

So I was shocked when a pleasant, dark-haired woman

with a slight build arrived with a big smile, hugged me

instead of shaking hands, and jumped into a

conversation fil ed with easy, casual banter. This reporter

wasn't intimidating at all. She was just a bril iant

journalist and writer on the cusp of a new marriage

herself, admittedly covering this story as much for the

new role she was about to undertake personally as for

her reporting responsibilities. I was captivated by her

questions on everything from our views on Christianity,

theology, and the history of women in the church to the

intimate nuances of our own relationship and my take on

what it means to have biblical y based femininity in a

postfeminist culture. Finding her so easy to talk with, I

relaxed and settled into our conversation.

Nearly six months later the article hit newsstands. Its

headline read, "Housewives of God," and it went on for

eight pages with an in-depth discussion of women in

general but our marriage and ministry in particular and

how our belief system—a biblical one, built on the

husband's leadership role and the wife's position as a

yielded partner—fleshed itself out in our home.

She did a fair enough job, presenting both sides of the

issue as any good journalist would. People read it. And

then they responded. Some in appreciation of our candor,

and some concerned and alarmed that by choosing to

live with such archaic viewpoints, I was relegating

myself, my strengths, and my gifts to a marital and

theological lockbox for which only feminist ideals and

principles held the key to freedom.

Thus the debate ensued, fueled by numerous blog

postings and Facebook comments. And even though the

technological forum may be something new, the clash of

ideas is not. This battle has raged for centuries within the

hearts of women. And that includes Christian women.

For while we may possess an appreciation for many of

the rights and recognitions that have been hard won by

courageous women of years gone by, we want to balance

it with our simultaneous desire to protect the venerated

definition of womanhood as it's presented to us in God's

Word. This is not a cop-out. It is a commitment to honor

the One who created us female and who knows us best,

who has proven time and again that only in obedience to

His plan for us wil we find ultimate fulfil ment.

If you'l look closely and objectively, you'l see that the

principles and ideals championed through the years by

women desperate to redefine and reestablish what it

means to be feminine have quietly, cunningly swung the

pendulum too far in one direction. Again, I'l agree that

some of the cries and appeals have led to the correction

of legitimate injustices—low valuations of women that

have always flown in the face of biblical teaching and

the heart of God. But many, if not most, of these vocal

initiatives have robbed our gender of much of the

uniqueness we've been created to exhibit and experience.

This independent, autonomous, self-centered streak has

swelled to such an extent—and become such a part of

our cultural thinking and mind-set—that we're often

unaware of its harmful effect on our choices until we're

living with the disruptive, chaotic consequences.

A Christian woman—one who proudly wears the badge

of womanhood given by her Father—must resolve to go

against the tide. She must stand for what she believes

based on her confidence in the One who has delivered

eternal truth to her in writing. She must return to God's

design and definition for women and then joyful y

embrace, accept, and experience its blessings.

God's ways are good.

They are all good.

You, God's woman, are designed both strong and

vulnerable. Powerful yet tender. More than able yet

wil ing to yield. You are smart, wise, capable, equal in

worth, and secure in yourself as you relate to others yet

content in your God-given role. You are a paradox—a

potent mixture that surprises with your control ed

energy, who inspires and entices by your mysterious

grace, whose lifestyle causes others to reconsider and

refocus their presuppositions, drawing them toward the

God who makes a woman so rich, deep, and captivating.

So purposeful y feminine.

Your stage may not be the New York Times. Very likely

mine wil never be again. But we are all on a platform

every day, a position entrusted to us each morning when

we swing our legs out of bed. From atop this daily

rostrum, you and I remain constantly in the spotlight,

where the life we've resolved to live wil either champion

or demote the beauty of biblical femininity. We wil

cause our daughters either to desire it or to fight against

it. We wil encourage our sons either to appreciate it or

to take advantage of it.

Yes, this platform has been entrusted to us. As a result, an

audience of friends, family, loved ones, children,

coworkers, and public acquaintances are all watching

not only to see how we live but to ascertain our attitude

as we live it.

What kind of woman are you going to be?

Your answer is at the heart of this resolution.

• How have you seen feminist ideals affect women in the

way they..

• Dress?

•Act?

• Make decisions?

• What are some of the most noticeable ways you see

young women turning away from biblical womanhood?

• What biblical principles of womanhood strike you as

stifling or repressive? Why do you think you feel that

way?

• As you continue to read, offer your concerns about this

issue to the Lord in prayer. Ask Him to use this time to

answer your concerns and reaffirm His priorities for you

in this area.

IT'S GOOD TO BE A GIRL

A news program recently reported that agnostics know

as much or more about God as religious people do. You

never know exactly what to make of studies and statistics

like these, but researchers apparently stood outside a

church service of some kind and asked the people

coming out to name the first four books of the New

Testament. Most couldn't.

Shocking, right?

Or is it?

Our cultural attendance and participation in religious

activities may stil be somewhat steady, but it's no real

surprise that our knowledge of God and His Word is

sadly waning. And in few places is this deficiency more

noticeable than with women's knowledge and

understanding of the biblical definition of womanhood.

The only possible way for us to live out and champion

our Christian faith as women in a culture inundated with

feministic ideals is if we are aware of what this faith

entails, if we are aware of God's intention in creating us.

At the root of the feminist movement—and stil one of

the primary concerns of our modern culture—is the

inequality between men and women. This is specifically

addressed in Scripture. You were created in God's

likeness. "God created man in His own image. . He

created them male and female" (Genesis 1:27). You, as a

woman, are worth neither less nor more than your male

counterparts. You are different, obviously, but only in

function (which I'l address in the next chapter), not in

value.

Centuries of human history testify to how this God-given

truth has become twisted into inappropriate ideas and

labels, which societal structures have parlayed into

extreme examples of abuse and subjugation. The false

perception that an inequality of value exists between

men and women has caused many women to be taken

advantage of. Honestly, I'm surprised that a united

uprising of women against these demeaning prejudices

took as long as it did.

But you, sister, are not only an equal partner in the

created order; you have been called "good" by God

Himself—"very good," in fact (v. 31).

And not just good but necessary.

Adam alone couldn't accomplish the tasks assigned to

mankind by the Creator. Man was in need of a partner,

someone who could help him fulfil his mandate.

Without her, these endeavors would go undone.

So from the beginning, God placed a mark of importance

on women. They were (1) good because they bore His

image and (2) necessary in the achievement of His

purposes on earth. Look around you at the sphere of

influence the Lord has placed you within. This circle of

people and circumstances is in need of you. The touch,

experience, wisdom, and feminine heart you bring into

these arenas are all required if their outcome is to be

what He has purposed it to be. You are not an addendum,

a last-minute afterthought that can be tossed out without

notice. Without your participation and input, much wil

be lacking. This was God's intention.

Yet with man's fall into sin and the decay of the human

condition, women soon became downgraded and

relegated to obscure, second-rate status. Throughout the

annals of the Old Testament, we see them failing to be

treasured, prized, and cherished as the Creator had

intended them to be.

Enter Jesus Christ. With the coming of the Messiah in the

New Testament, God reaffirmed the significance of

women through the life of Christ, who countered a

culture that demoted women's importance and value. He

exemplified instead, in the flesh, the true heart of God.

The fourth chapter of John's Gospel highlights just one of

many remarkable occasions when Christ demonstrated

His regard for women and their inherent value:

A woman of Samaria came to draw water. "Give Me a

drink" Jesus said to her. (v. 7)

The arrival of this woman at a local well where Jesus

happened to be sitting presented an extreme problem.

For starters, traditional ancient Jewish culture didn't

allow for friendly exchanges between Samaritans and

Jews. In addition, and in an even larger context, first-

century men didn't enter into conversation with women

in public, not even their own wives. So for Jesus to be

found speaking to this woman was not only culturally

inappropriate but would've been readily perceived by

onlookers as scandalous. More than just a breach of

protocol, it was shocking. Disgraceful.

But this is Jesus we're talking about—a revolutionary

who never sought to fit comfortably within societal

norms but rather to stand against them, to change them,

and to present a new world order both to His generation

and every successive generation that fol owed. So that's

just what He did. He not only engaged her in casual

conversation but invited her opinions on theological

issues that men of His historical age would never have

expected a mere woman to be capable of entertaining.

Despite rabbinical condescension and a nearly

unanimous cultural disdain for women, Jesus treated her

like a person, a person of intelligence, someone who

mattered, someone who was as worthy of the Messiah's

"living water" (v. 10) as anyone else. In His mercy and love, He extended to her a gift of which most all others

would have deemed her undeserving: His grace, His

covering . . . Himself. . to cleanse her, keep her, and

sustain her.

Truly Jesus left no doubt in His dealings with this

divinely appointed individual that women are both

important and worthy, as well as ful y qualified to be

entrusted. For not only did He bestow on her the gift of

His salvation, but He also entrusted her with His message

to share with others. After her encounter with Christ at a

community well, she returned home telling everyone

what had happened to her, urging them to come see for

themselves. The result? "Many Samaritans from that

town believed in Him because of what the woman said"

(v. 39).

Hearing this truth from God's Word should cause us to

want to take a stand for the biblical role of womanhood

in our amoral culture. Because He says we're . .

Good.

Necessary.

Important.

Worthy.

Trustworthy.

Being a woman was never a curse to be endured or a

trait to be tolerated. It is a gift to be treasured and

esteemed. It is God's chosen way for us to relate to Him as

Creator and Father and to demonstrate, along with our

male counterparts, the unfolding love story of Christ's

relationship with the Church (Ephesians 5:22-31). It is

our special way of experiencing Him and His love for us

in a harsh, critical, deconstructive world. And it is our

gift to our generation and the world in which we live.

Lo and behold, it's a privilege to be a girl.

• Choose one of the many roles you currently play in

your life, and record for each one how you are..

• good for it

• necessary to it

• an important component of it

• worthy to be a part of it

• trustworthy to fulfil your role in it

• In what situations and around which people do you

find the biblical value of womanhood most challenged

and questioned?

• How do you raise daughters to be ambitious, educated,

and sure of themselves while at the same time help them

appreciate the rewards and blessings of submission?

How do you raise boys to view women with a similarly

high regard? Discuss with friends some creative

approaches.

ROLE REVERSAL

I'l be honest. I don't know much about football. I do

enjoy hearing the cheers and chatter of an NFL game in

the background on Sunday afternoons while the aroma

of dinner is wafting through the house. Brings back

memories of my growing-up years. But I'd have to say

that I haven't sat down to watch an entire football game

since . . well, never.

But this much I do know about pro football. Those

players are big. Huge, bulking muscles. Incredible speed.

They demonstrate more strength and athleticism in one

afternoon of work than most of us could work up in a

lifetime. And yet as formidable as these guys are, they are

not the most powerful people on the field when they suit

up and set to playing. I always get a kick out of the other

men out there—many of them much smaller, older, and

balding, each in their striped black-and-white shirts—

standing in the midst of these gargantuans, tossing their

yellow flags and blowing their whistles. In most cases

these referees are not anywhere near the size of the

athletes they're sharing a playing surface with. And yet at

every single one of their commands, directives, or

decrees, the game comes to a halt. Burly men who

outweigh them by perhaps more than a hundred pounds

apiece stop what they're doing and fol ow their

instructions.

They choose to submit.

Imagine how difficult and unmanageable the game

would become if they didn't.

In resolving to champion the biblical model for

womanhood, we must recognize that God's creation

entails not only an inherent feminine esteem but also an

established order. Human relationships are not designed

to be a raw contest of power and strength but rather a

self-control ed acceptance of clearly outlined roles.

Therefore, we exert our greatest influence in life by

knowing how to harness and safeguard our own strong

wil s.

Much to many people's surprise, this isn't just a married

woman's issue; it's a universal principle. Yet you rarely

find an unmarried woman being asked whom she's

yielding to or a married man being asked to whose

authority he is accountable. But we should all be asked

these hard questions. Because submission is where

everyone finds ultimate freedom. According to Scripture

…

• The employee, whether male or female, must submit to

his or her employer (Colossians 3:22).

• The citizen, whether male or female, must submit to the

governmental authority (1 Peter 2:13).

• The believer, whether male or female, must submit to

spiritual authority (1 Peter 5:5).

• The child, whether male or female, must submit to the

parent (Ephesians 6:1).

• And, yes, the wife must submit to the leadership of her

husband (Ephesians 5:22-23).

By walking within these divinely ordained roles of

submission to legitimate authority, we place ourselves

inside the protective covering of the Lord, experiencing

the freedom that His truth—and His truth alone—is

designed to offer. Step outside these roles, and we're

looking for trouble. It's just that simple.

No doubt, sister, you are powerful and capable in your

own right, perhaps even more capable and competent

than some of those to whom you're called to submit. You

are gifted and necessary— indispensible—one who bears

the image of God Himself. And yet all of that strength

coursing through your nature and personality wil only

thrive and be its best as you yield to the legitimate

authority established by God. Like the professional

athlete who could easily overpower the referee, or the

employee who may honestly be more organized than his

boss, or the wife who has a more demonstrative

personality than her husband, each must stil respect the

position the established leader has been allocated,

regardless of how inadequately they believe this other

person is carrying out the job.

Refusing to stay in our assigned lane, swerving into a

driving position we're not designed to occupy, wil

always lead to dissatisfaction. In fact, I believe that much

of the frustration women experience in their lives—

much of the frustration I've experienced in mine—is

directly linked to our refusal to yield to God's design for

womanhood.

Order matters—whether we understand it or agree with

it or even want it. Nothing can truly and ultimately be

enjoyed when we're not wil ing to remain within our

roles and boundaries.

That's just the way it is.

But believe it or not, that's a good thing.

Throughout the first wave of the feminist movement,

which began during the nineteenth and early twentieth

centuries, as well the second major wave in the 1960s,

the basis for each initiative was a clamoring for rights.

And while some of these rights have been worth

defending, such movements have primarily been

crusades to position women not only on equal footing

with men but above men—in some cases above God

Himself. Yet in these various quests for recognition, each

movement has failed to recognize the most powerful

right of all women: the right to yield to appropriate

authority wil ingly and with dignity. A woman's strength

—the true strength of any person, for that matter—is

best seen not in the authority of God-given leadership.

Even the most powerful Man ever to walk the earth

demonstrated the importance of this principle:

Though he was God, [Jesus] did not think of equality with

God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his

divine -privileges; he took the humble position of a slave

and was born as a human being. When he appeared in

human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God

and died a criminal's death on a cross, (Philippians 2:6-8

NLT)

If One so great could display this level of humility in

order to achieve a much, much greater result, then what

excuse do we have for not choosing to do the same—to

forgo our supposed rights in order to acquiesce to God's

designated plan for humanity? To trust His wisdom and

insight? To bring Him the most glory, whether we get

our way or not?

Yet a role reversal has been perpetuating in our culture.

And its effects have been staggering. Women have

usurped the authority of men; men have passively

neglected their roles as leaders. The result has been

broken families, unstable homes, unhealthy dynamics,

and derailed legacies. Marriages have cratered. Living

rooms have become war zones. Iron wil s have clashed

and sparked and fractured personalities, melting

everyone within sight.

God's answer, however, has not moved from its original

position merely because of the chaos that has arisen from

our stubborn defiance of His structure. Only by

surrendering to His design for womanhood wil we as

women experience the liberation we are trying so

desperately to recover elsewhere.

I promise you, surrendering to submission is not akin to

waving a hypothetical white flag, folding to some lesser

way of living that demeans and devalues your talents and

gifts. On the contrary, it provides a framework in which

your potential can truly flourish. Like a fire that is best

enjoyed within the confines of a fireplace, your strength

can best be displayed, its benefits most ful y experienced,

when you choose the trusted, effective boundaries of

God's established order.

This is the essence of submission.

Submission.

There it is. That word. The one that's liable to send a chil

down the spine of the strongest among us. In fact, the

stronger, more ambitious, and more independently

capable you are, the more inclined you may be to

shudder at the thought.

Submission. It's simply defined as a decision to yield to

people, precepts, and principles that have been placed in

our lives as authorities.

Some have abused it, yes. Some have misapplied the

concept, allowing husbands to be domineering and their

wives doormats. Our gut reaction and assumption,

foisted on us by the steady impact of postfeminist

thinking, is to assume that placing a woman under her

husband's authority is the same as relegating her to

inferior status.

Yet if this were God's intention, why would He infuse

such great worth into you (as we clarified in the last

chapter), then demean you into subservience by His own

design? And why would Jesus, one of the most highly

respected and powerful men even in the eyes of

unbelievers, choose to live a totally submitted lifestyle—

one He described in this way: "I always do what pleases

[the Father]" (John 8:29)?

Obviously this divine arrangement of roles, boundaries,

and responsibilities is intended to exude blessing in all

directions. Just as employees, citizens, believers, and

children receive the greatest benefit—and perform their

most efficient work—by wil ful y, grateful y operating

within their prescribed positions and under proper

authority, women experience life to the ful est extent as

they exert their influence through God-trusting

submission.

No, not all leaders live their responsibilities well. Perhaps,

if you're married, your husband doesn't. And both you

and your family reel from the difficulties that spring

from that, to one degree or another. But your husband,

like any leader in God's created order, wil be

held accountable for how wisely, how careful y, how

devotedly, how biblically he has handled his role.

And, sister, so wil you.

You, too, are responsible for how you function within

your submitted role, putting your trust in God's faithful

love and goodness by obeying Him against any urge to

the contrary. This is certainly not to say that you must

submit to anyone who leads you into sin or is abusive

toward you. If you are in a marriage where your

conscience and physical safety are under threat, the duty

of submission does not call you to endure any demand

without question. Hear me? Make no mistake about that.

But be honest: how often is your resistance to another's

lead a mere matter of opinion and preference, a refusal

to do anyone's bidding just because they expect it of you?

So consider your feelings regarding this part of your role

as a woman. Are you offended at the thought of yielding

to the authority of another? If you are married, is this

something you rebel against? If you are single, do you

take seriously the need to pursue a biblical heart for

marriage, should you one day become a wife? Are you

even now pursuing a spiritual covering by seeking

accountability with those whose lives you respect, those

whose godly maturity can provide you with strong,

helpful counsel and direction as you navigate life?

A place of freedom and peace awaits every woman who

aligns herself with God's design. It's up to us to expose

the lies of our age and to remind this generation of the

true beauty and value of the submitted woman.

This is our resolution.

• In preparation for signing your second resolution, read

this statement again: "A woman's strength is best seen not

in the demonstration of her power but in her ability to

harness it under the authority of God-given leadership."

Consider it careful y and determine what it wil look like

when fleshed out in your own life. Make this resolution

with confidence, knowing that you are choosing to align

yourself under His all-wise plans. Enter with freedom

and sign your name to signify your commitment.

PURPOSEFULLY FEMININE

I wil champion God's model for womanhood in the

face of a post-feminist culture. I wil teach it to my

daughters and encourage its support by my sons.

__________________________________

AUTHENTICALLY

ME

A RESOLUTION TO VALUE

MYSELF AND CELEBRATE OTHERS

INTELLIGENT DESIGN

Tuesday Morning.

It's more than just a day near the beginning of your

week. It's also the name of a neighborhood store that

carries tons of home goods marked at discount prices

(my kind of shopping). Everything from sturdy pieces of

furniture to little decorating knickknacks are scattered

throughout the aisles, each featuring a hanging tag

boasting dol ars-off savings. This was precisely the

reason I was so excited when our architect and interior

designer walked into our almost-ready offices carrying

several Tuesday Morning bags, each stuffed to the brim

with all sorts of things.

We had been renovating a twenty-two hundred-square-

foot barn and a smal two-bedroom cottage into office

space for our ministry and a place to write and study for

me. It had taken the whole summer for Steve and

Bridgette, our neighbors and friends, to design, plan, and

manage the overhaul. They knew our tastes not only in

structural details but also for extreme bargains. So when

she'd run across some home decor items she couldn't

resist for both their beauty and price, she bought them.

No sooner had Bridgette walked through the doors of our

barn/ office than we were tearing into the bags together

—feeling textures, admiring colors, testing items in

different places, holding them up for each other to see

and evaluate. It was fun. Felt like my own private turn on

HGTV. Every item was more beautiful than the last. Each

of them fit perfectly into the spots Bridgette had in mind

when she purchased them.

Reaching into the final bag, she began showing me

things she'd selected specifically for my writing cottage.

We'd purposeful y redone this tiny workspace in neutral

colors—very plain, very natural—because I hadn't yet

decided what kind of style I wanted this place to assume.

Wasn't sure of the feel I wanted to create there. So I had

them paint us a bare slate, just to be safe. The flooring,

wall paint, and countertops were all a clean, clear, cream

palate—a perfect backdrop for whatever furniture and

decor might fil the space at a later date.

That's why when Bridgette opened up this last Tuesday

Morning bag and held up a simple fabric tassel, designed

to hang on a doorknob or drawer pul , I was uncertain.

No doubt it was beautiful. Loose streamers of different

textures and hues cascaded from an ornate bulb, each

with a sheen that caught the natural sunlight filtering

through the window. I had to admit, it certainly would

be pretty in that space. Great price too, I discovered,

flipping around its sale tag. $5.99. Yet another reason to

call it gorgeous.

But something was bothering me about it. I sat in the

middle of the empty, hol ow living room floor, twirling it

around, thinking. Even as I tried to come up with the

right place to hang it, something made me

uncomfortable about keeping it.

Was it the way the tassel looked? No, I thought it was

beautiful.

Was it how much the tassel cost? Hardly. I'd probably

never find anything similar for that price.

Well, if it wasn't that, then what?

This. It was the first piece of decor I'd gotten for my new

workspace, and it carried a specific color palate. Pretty

but also precise. If hung in the cottage, it would dictate

the rest of the decorating decisions I'd need to make in

regard to the whole room. I'd end up having to search

high and low for things that matched it. So while I did

think the tassel was gorgeous, I felt unsteady about

basing everything else on something so smal and

insignificant. Seemed a little absurd to me. Unbalanced.

Backwards. I couldn't help thinking I needed to make

some seminal, foundational decisions first in the more

overarching areas of my decorating scheme before

settling in on this one little piece of trimming—things

like color, seating, rugs, lighting, wall art. Bigger things.

Things that real y mattered. Things that deserved to be

the centerpieces in the room.

Not a tassel.

So I returned it. As nice and cost-effective as it was, it just

wasn't important enough for me to base my whole motif

around, to dictate every other decision I was going to

make about this room.

Too bad I haven't always taken this same perspective

with my own life. I've often based my self-worth on some

second-rate, inconsequential detail or assumption—like

the way I looked, or the clique I fit into, or the way I

measured up to a culturally set standard—to determine

the type of woman I should be, to dictate the kinds of

things I spent most of my time thinking about and

majoring on.

Again and again, in more ways than I'd like to admit, I've

bought the tassel—the menial, the inconsequential, the

trivial, even the totally false and inappropriate—hung it

in a focal point, and then based the whole room of my

life around it.

Surely it's not just me. Maybe you've picked up bits and

pieces of false, worldly ideology or philosophy, then have

chosen to change your perspectives (and ultimately

yourself) to match. Have you acquired some distorted

cultural paradigms and suggestions along the way that

you've felt pressure to embody instead of believing you're

enough just the way you are? Or maybe you've blown

things out of proportion, like an isolated event or a

momentary setback, then basically allowed it to identify

you, forcing you to build the rest of your life around it.

Before you knew it, you were being control ed by

something that honestly didn't have the clout to boss you

around. Now you're maneuvering your life to

accommodate a circumstance or idea that you'd given far

too much rope in the first place.

It's unbalanced. Backwards. Absurd. Out of order.

We need to make the bigger, more sweeping decisions

first. We need to figure out what to do with the house

before figuring out where to hang the accessories.

And that's why this resolution is so important to me, to

you— this commitment to assign genuine value to who

we are, based on our God-given worth, talents, gifts, and

abilities. Because once we've settled this issue—this main

issue—everything else can begin falling appropriately

into place. We'l have the freedom to build our lives on

what really matters, discarding all the things that don't.

I urge you, don't let something as important as the value

you place on your own life be based on some cheap,

dol ar-store idea you ran across at a philosophical flea

market, or some throwaway opinion you found at a

trendy, modern swap meet. The life you're renovating has

far too much God-given potential for you to plant its

roots in something so menial. Dig deep and lean in to the

truth—the truth of who you are and what He's created

you to offer to the world— and then orbit your life

around that steadfast knowledge. This isn't backwards,

unbalanced, and absurd. It's steady, sure, trustworthy,

powerful.

Absolutely resolute.

• What are some minor incidentals you've allowed to

shave your self-image or self-worth?

• How has the decorating scheme of your life turned out

differently than you would like as a result of that?

• Read 1 Peter 2:9-10 and record the statements of value

declared concerning you. Make a point of really studying

and meditating on this Scripture, digging more deeply

into the truths revealed.

SUPERNATURAL SELECTION

Last night on television, I heard a world-renowned

celebrity being interviewed. She looked beautiful.

Charming. Every bit the prominent, accomplished,

acclaimed public figure we've all seen on the stage of her

profession. And yet even this woman— admired by

mil ions, rewarded with great wealth, status, and fame—

said something I really didn't expect. Responding to one

of the interviewer's questions, she answered, "I've never

had a very healthy self-esteem. I don't even know how a

person gets that. I'm desperately trying to figure out

where to find it."

Huh? Her? Not happy with who she is? I was shocked. A

woman with so much talent and prestige, now in her

mid-fifties, having known little other than position and

prominence her whole adult life, revealing an inner

struggle she'd battled for years and years— the longtime

attempt to discover, enjoy, and celebrate herself.

We know from revelations like this, just as we know

from our own struggles with the same kinds of feelings,

that our true, lasting value must be based on something

besides the visible and exterior.

Not just something else but someone else.

Hear it explained in His own voice as He speaks to a

young man who'd similarly lost touch with a healthy

self-concept. Seeking to encourage the young prophet

Jeremiah, God said to him …

I chose you before I formed you in the womb;

I set you apart before you were born. I appointed

you a prophet to the nations.

(Jeremiah 1:5)

Read that verse again. Hear those three staggering

declarations with the ears of a daughter listening

attentively to the voice of her loving Father.

"I chose you."

"I set you apart."

"I appointed you."

This is truly who you are. A woman chosen. A woman set

apart. A woman appointed. You are not here by accident

at this moment with this book in your hands, along with

an accompanying desire to make some serious

resolutions that wil reshape your whole life. It is no

mistake that you are living right now with your own set

of circumstances, dealing with your specific set of issues,

all while working within your personalized set of skil s

and abilities.

God has made you you and has placed you here. On

purpose.

I. He chose you. You are involved in a divinely designed,

careful y calculated, and eternally significant plan. For

reasons you may not ful y understand or even agree

with, God selected you as His own. This was not a quick,

halfhearted decision on His part. It was a deliberate,

volitional act of God Himself, made with thoughtful

consideration and wisdom.

Choosing, as it is used in this verse, denotes a knowing.

His choice of you was based on a deep, intimate

knowledge of who you are. So even if you simply cannot

fathom why God would choose a person like you to

participate in a particular activity, He Himself is well

aware of His reasons. He has selected you, and

everything about you, to participate in the work He is

doing at this point in history. Like a coach who

methodically considers which runner to put on the track

at particular stages of a relay race, God's choice of you

for this leg of the marathon was by design.

That's why you're here. In this position.

Facing that project.

Married to that man.

Involved in that friendship.

Dealing with that issue.

Living in that neighborhood.

Spearheading that committee.

Participating in that activity.

Mothering those children.

Living this life.

Not because it has accidentally happened like this but

because you have been known and chosen by the one

Coach who sees you as uniquely suited, equipped, and

capable of carrying out such amazing plans with such

intricate precision.

You are the one, my friend.

You. Are. The. One.

This overwhelming realization is what brought my friend

Anna to her knees one day, releasing such a steady

stream of warm, worshipful tears down her pretty face

that they soon began dripping from her chin. She'd

recently been rejected . . . again. This was her second

broken engagement, the final straw that had broken

whatever thin, tiny shreds of self-worth were stil left in

her heart. You can imagine. She felt (and believed she

had every reason to feel) unloved, unappreciated,

undervalued. In her estimation little of herself was

redeemable or attractive enough to make her worth

another's attention. Not any more. Not after all of this.

Who needs to be shown more than twice—in perhaps

the most humiliating, most personal, most vulnerable

way possible—that nobody wants you?

But Jesus' words to His disciples, to her, to us—just like

God's words to Jeremiah—stunned her with their power

and peace: "You did not choose Me, but I chose you"

(John 15:16). She'd seen that phrase in Scripture before

but never like this—not with the glowing highlighter of

God's Spirit hovering over it, punctuating each word

with the pinpoint precision of divine clarity. I chose you.

The words rested on Anna's heart like a soothing balm,

covering the gaping wounds, refreshing the dry

landscape of her soul. With this phrase began a new

journey of realization for her, the same revealed

discovery that each of us must hear and receive and

welcome inside if we're ever to live out the plans He has

for us. Your value, like mine, is ultimately found in the

undeserved but whol y divine selection processes of God.

2. He set you apart. You're not like all the other relay

runners. If you spend all your time looking at the runner

behind you or focusing on the one ahead of you, wishing

you had their skil s and talents, your lane wil go

unattended. We don't need the same runners. We need

sanctified runners. Consecrated runners. Runners who

have been set apart for their particular tasks, fulfil ing

their own unique roles, running their particular leg of

the race in this time, in this place.

Being "set apart" carries the idea of being dedicated for a specific use at a specific time, being reserved for those

opportunities when (and how and where) you can best

be used, when you can most be yourself. It's like the

special dishes you might keep in your china cabinet.

Maybe you received them as a wedding gift. Most of the

time they're kept behind glass, looking out onto the

kitchen table in the other room where the everyday

plates and cups get to have all the fun. But when those

key moments come around, the ones that call for a

special touch, only the fine dishes wil do.

You are a holy vessel of God, set aside for specific times

when the uniqueness you offer can be ful y used and

valued—"a special instrument, set apart, useful to the

Master" (2Timothy 2:21). He has blessed you in Christ

"with every spiritual blessing in the heavens" (Ephesians 1:3), freeing you to engage ful y in the life He has called

you to lead, in ways He is faithful to reveal to you as you

walk closely with Him.

A young writer recently e-mailed me, expressing

concern because she didn't think her style of writing had

enough depth and intrigue. She mentioned several other

authors she admired, people she wished her writing was

more comparable to. "If it were," she said, "I might finish this Bible study project." As I read her sentiments, I

thought about how I frequently feel that same way—

wishing I had more depth or creativity like I've admired

in someone else. And yet others have had to remind me

of the same thing that I wrote back to this young lady:

some readers wil only hear, understand, and accept

certain things when they read it in your words, from

your perspective, written in your voice. We were each

created by God to do our part. And if we fail to do it

because we don't think it's valuable enough, great loss

wil be suffered. Someone, somewhere, needs you—in all

of your uniqueness—to step up to the plate of your

calling.

So come take your place. Embrace your special role.

Enjoy the thril of capitalizing on your strengths without

wallowing in misery over your lacks and differences or

allowing yourself to feel threatened by those traits you

should be celebrating in those you admire. You are not a

mistake, no mere outcome of happenstance. Your

creation was supernaturally superintended by Almighty

God. You are extraordinarily significant.

Rather than seeking to impress and outperform others,

and rather than feeling ashamed by what you don't have

and can't do, relish the opportunity to stand as a living,

walking, eating, breathing example of what God's grace

can do with a woman He has set apart, weaknesses and

all, to be a sacred vessel in His service. You are a

purposeful place setting. A masterpiece worth

celebrating.

Nothing commonplace about that.

3. He has appointed you. Being chosen and set apart is

quite an honor, but make no mistake—it comes with

great responsibility. Among the reasons God chose you

(or as another Bible translation says it, "planted you"), one was to put you in a position to yield specific outcomes in

your personal life situation. Jesus finished the thought

like this: "You did not choose Me, but I chose you. I

appointed you that you should go out and produce fruit"

(John 15:16).

Therefore, you can trust that He has planted you right

now in the place where you wil be the most personally

productive. Even if you may not be inherently pleased

with the person He's made you to be, even if you may not

be abundantly happy with the circumstances

you're currently living, you can be sure that God has

planted you here with design and intention. He has

selected the "soil" where you're presently growing. Every kind of season and weather you experience has had to

pass through His fingers before coming into contact with

you. It's all been divinely designed to surround you with

the conditions that allow your unique gifts and abilities

to reach maximum potential. To grow. To yield. To

produce.

And like any farmer, He expects to reap what He's sown.

Apple seeds are supposed to grow apple trees. Radish

seeds are supposed to grow radishes. Likewise, your seeds

are designed to produce a crop that's uniquely yours. So

there's no point in trying to produce fruit that is someone

else's to grow. Your job at any given moment is to bring

all your gifts, all your talents, all your propensities, and

all your passions into this thing called life and believe

that they are good enough to produce the fruit that is

expected of you.

Trust Him. He knows you. He has special plans for you.

I don't know all the things you're struggling with at this

moment as you strive to attain a healthier self-image. But

I know that the only way to experience it is to fall back

into the genuine, authentic reality of your value in God's

eyes—the One who chose you, set you apart, and

appointed you to bear fruit. He has loved you enough to

make you like no other, and He's given you a task that is

yours alone to complete with His abundant help and

empowerment.

Resolve to love being you, the way He loved creating you.

• Choose at least one of the fol owing verses to study and

memorize:

• Ephesians 2:10—a declaration of your importance to

God

• Jeremiah 1:5—a confirmation of your selection by God

• 2 Corinthians 3:5—a verification of your sufficiency in

God

• Consider the things you may have failed to do because

you felt il equipped or unworthy to participate. Choose

one of them to begin doing this week.

HAPPY TO BE YOU

. . the authentic you.

It's an elusive actuality that few get the opportunity to

experience. Many of us spend so much of our lives

wishing or pretending we were somebody different from

who we are, we never get to experience the sheer

freedom of just being ourselves. In some cases we've

spent so many years and put so much effort into steering

clear of our own uniqueness, we wouldn't know our true

self if we bumped into her face-to-face.

But rediscovering and celebrating the you that God

originally created is paramount for any woman who

desires to live out her primary purpose.

You are the only you the world has. The only one we

really need. The one who, according to Psalm 139, has

been. .

• examined by God.

• known by Him.

• seen by Him.

• protected by Him.

• fol owed by Him.

• blessed by Him.

• guided by Him.

• strengthened by Him.

• supported by Him.

• careful y created by Him.

• led by Him.

Have you ever really tried getting acquainted with this

person who was important enough to God Himself to put

this much time and attention into creating and

supporting? When you strip away the facades and

remove the veneers, when you take off any masks and

remove any pretense or disguise, what's left is the

authentic person who is precious in the sight of God

Himself—ful y capable and distinctively designed to

achieve His purposes for her life.

You. Just the way you were meant to be.

So take time to uncover and reconnect with these things

that truly describe you: your gifts, talents, passions,

eccentricities, dislikes, weaknesses, interests, and

uniquenesses—in their rawest, most unspoiled form.

Don't rush through this. Peeling back the stereotypes and

labels, the misinterpretations and stigmas you've used

(both knowingly and unknowingly) to define yourself

wil probably require some time and effort on your part.

And choosing to move forward in authenticity wil

require even more. In fact, you might even need to enlist

the help of a few close friends to assist you.

First, ask them to point out, from their own perspective,

what makes you unique. It's often more difficult to see

yourself as clearly as another person can who's close to

you. Beauty tends to become familiar. Genius eventually

feels commonplace. You get used to yourself. You

overlook the astounding, remarkable aspects that make

you uniquely special because you've grown so

accustomed to having them. Your rarity becomes

unremarkable when it's just another part of your regular

routine.

So open yourself to hearing someone remind you what

they see in you. Write these things down. Internalize

them. Accept them. Your gifts and skil s. Your personality

and temperament. The things that make you noticeably,

singularly you. Your strengths and, yes, your weaknesses.

Second, pinpoint what ways (if any) that you have

neglected to use or celebrate these characteristics and

become intentional about honoring your uniqueness in

the future. Think what a wonderful gift this return to

authenticity could be to you over the years, even over the

next few weeks. Being able to live in genuine freedom,

unburdened from the harried exhaustion of making

impressions or trying to act like somebody you're not. No

longer overcompensating for things that have kept you

feeling like you don't measure up. Aligning yourself with

God's wil instead of constantly fighting His plans and

always working at cross-purposes.

Accepting yourself.

Treasuring the value He's encased within you.

It's a resolution worth making.

• Record uniquenesses another people sees in you. Which

of these surprise you?

• Record how you can be more intentional about using

and celebrating these characteristics.

• How would the dynamics of your family, your office, or

your relationships benefit from your doing this?

THE AFFIRMATION CRUSADE

My husband is fascinated, intrigued, yet stil somewhat

bemused by the fairer sex. He's discovered a plethora of

feminine dynamics in the years we've been married that

he admits he'l never ful y understand. Like, for instance,

why a weekend trip requires packing more than one pair

of shoes. Or why the mere act of talking could ever be

such an enjoyable hobby. He's asked me lots of questions

over our twelve years together, hoping to figure out some

of these things. And yet even after my fine attempts at

explanation, he tends to just smile, pat me lovingly on the

cheek, and then walk out the door shaking his head in

disbelief.

I guess a man wil just never understand some things

that are crystal clear to a woman.

Perhaps none more than this: the compliments one

woman is allowed to give another.

He heard me telling a girlfriend not long ago that the

skirt she was wearing really accentuated her pretty legs.

He heard me tell another that her hair was "just lovely" in that color and style. He's seen other women come up to

me, expressing gratitude for a particular personality trait

or just to tell me that the blouse I was wearing was really

cute.

And for the life of him, he doesn't see how this works.

Men just don't do this, he tells me. Never, for example,

wil I ever catch him praising another guy's hair, or

telling a friend how that button-up really brings out the

broadness in his shoulders. In fact, he's made clear to me

that if I ever overhear another guy complimenting him

on some of the things women get away with, I need to

make sure that guy isn't around too much.

"That's just not something we do," he says.

But it is something we do, my sister friend. Something we

ought to do a lot more often.

We are relational in a way most men are not. We thrive

on our friendships with women and appreciate the

commendation we receive from them. There's something

about another woman's admiration that we can accept

more ful y because, for the most part, we're certain no

strings are attached. No ulterior motives are underneath

it. Just an honest, encouraging assertion expressed by

another.

And while our self-worth should never depend on others'

compliments or approval, we experience a certain depth

of blessing when we are affirmed by other women. While

appreciation from men is flattering, a sister's compliment

carries a purity, simplicity, and gentle strength that

refreshes us. It helps us feel reassured, supported, and

warmly comfortable. Plus it does something else,

something powerful; it diffuses any need for competition.

When you take seriously this resolution—this decision

truly to accept yourself and your uniqueness—you'l

finally be comfortable offering the same favor of

acceptance to those around you. You'l be free of the

time-consuming frustration of seeking to fit others into

your own personal set of expectations. You'l allow them

to be themselves. And as an added bonus, you'l be better

able to enjoy celebrating and commending their

exceptionality—the things they can do much better than

you—because you'l be so completely comfortable with

yourself and your own distinct capabilities.

This resolution not only affects you. It wil also enhance

the women around you as they experience the

affirmation that bubbles up from the security you're

living in. This should be our mandate, our campaign. A

movement of women linked by our resolution and

devoted to seeing it manifested in the lives of the women

around us.

It can be our crusade.

Our affirmation crusade.

Our gift, one sister to another.

• Take time to look back over your notes from this

section. Consider what wil be required for you to live

authentical y, as well as the freedom you'l experience

when you do. Additionally, think of some other women

who, for whatever reason, you are hesitant to

compliment. Make a point to commend them for their

unique value and worth to you this week. Read the

resolution out loud and sign your name below it.

AUTHENTICALLY ME

I wil accept and celebrate my uniqueness, and wil

esteem and encourage the distinctions I admire in others.

__________________________________

FAITHFULLY

HIS

A RESOLUTION TO BE DEVOTED TO

CHRIST AND DEFINED BY HIS WORD

DIVINE APPOINTMENTS

My heart has heard you say, "Come and talk with me"

And my heart responds, "Lord, I am coming" (Psalm 27:8

NLT)

The Susan B. Anthony dol ar was minted in 1979 by the

United States government and again in 1999. It was the

first circulated coin to bear the image of a woman. Its

goal was to celebrate the advances of women and the

impact our gender has made on the country as a whole.

Only one problem. This silver coin, smaller than the

traditional dol ar coin, looked much like a quarter,

which often caused people to confuse the two. Though

the value of the coins was significantly different, their

appearance was remarkably similar. Therefore, the Susan

B. Anthony dol ar just didn't catch on with the public, so

circulation was eventually discontinued.

You, sister, have been "minted" in the likeness of God and have been called "out of darkness into His marvelous

light" (1 Peter 2:9). Christ has placed great worth and

value on you as His daughter, fellow heir to a divine

"inheritance among the saints" (Ephesians 1:18). You

have been invested with gifts, talents, and uniqueness

that God Himself deemed you suitable to carry. You are

…

•

Surprisingly satisfied.

•

Purposeful y feminine.

•

Authentically you.

•

But that's not all. You also have the opportunity to

be . . Faithful y His.

Clearly, the investment of this much godly treasure into

one person's life carries with it a responsibility you and I

should consider a privilege to respond to. He deserves

our resolve to faithful y and consistently live up to the

value we've been given, to portray outwardly to the

world the inherent worth we possess inwardly by God's

sacrificial yet freely given grace. We ought never to be

lost among the shuffle of worldliness—whole dol ars

confused among a handful of quarters—driven by lowly

pursuits and interests, becoming so similar in appearance

to everyone else that we can't be singled out in a crowd.

Rather, our goal should be to take responsibility for our

actions, lining them up singularly with our God and His

Word, diving deep into the divine purposes for which we

have been placed on earth.

This is the resolution of the woman who is faithful y His.

• We are women who lean into His voice—listening,

heeding, conforming our wil to His.

• We are women who uphold the laurels of Scripture in

the face of contrary opinions.

• We are women who do not ultimately answer to earthly

authorities but to the One who created us, loved us, and

called us to Himself.

• We are women who live with heaven's purpose in view

and heaven's whisper in our souls.

• We are in the world, but we are not of the world—not

control ed by it, consumed by it, compelled by it.

• We are heaven called, pursuing His purposes and

driven by the passions He has placed within our hearts.

This is what makes us different. Unique. In the face of a

culture infested with sin and with enmity against God,

we wil be faithful to Him and the laurels of His Word.

The author of Hebrews noted an unexpected example of

this kind of faithfulness:

Therefore, holy brothers, who share in the

heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus, the

apostle and high priest whom we confess. He

was faithful to the one who appointed him, just

as Moses was faithful in all God's house.

(Hebrews 3:1-2 NIV)

Excuse me? Moses? Faithful? Really?

That's sure not the way it seems when you take a quick

glance at his early years—and by "early," I mean eighty or more. Raised as the prince of Egypt, he was forced to

run for his life after brutally murdering one of his

countrymen. Throughout the next forty years, he lived in

much less than desirable circumstances, tending sheep—

a job well below his pay grade and educational level. God

startled him one day by speaking to him from a burning

bush, commissioning him to a far more prestigious

position: leading Israel out of bondage. But when called

to the job, Moses spouted nothing but excuses as to why

he couldn't fulfil the role. When he finally did comply

and accept God's directive—after some mighty patient

arm-twisting on the Almighty's part—he was often

known to lose his own patience with the fickleness of the

Israelite people and allow his anger to get the best of

him. In the end Moses' disobedience to the Lord's

instruction would cost him final entrance into God's

chosen land for His people.

So. .

If I'd been the author of the book of Hebrews, I'm not

sure Moses would've been my first choice for an

il ustration. And yet this writer singled him out,

describing him as "faithful in all God's house."

If Moses had been alive to read this verse, I wonder what

his reaction might have been. He possibly would have

recal ed all the debacles and errors he'd made along the

road of life, shaking his head in embarrassed disbelief,

wondering if this author was lucid when he'd penned

that text. Maybe a good case for what unfaithfulness

looks like but—recal ing how he'd lived—certainly not

faithfulness. Come on.

Can you relate to that? Maybe your eyes meet our fourth

resolution with that same disheartenment. So many

blunders and mistakes stand out. So many lapses in

judgment. How could you ever live up to this standard of

being distinctly devoted, utterly separate, a person

"faithful in all God's house"?

Then Moses example should give you and me great hope

and encouragement. For despite his lengthy record of

inadequacy, something about his story, legacy, and

heritage was deemed worthy of highlighting and

repeating to those of us who would love to think our lives

might be similarly noteworthy. And tucked inside these

simple verses from Hebrews 3 is the crucial, deciding

theme upon which Moses' entire story hinges.

The key was in the calling.

It was "heavenly" (v. 1).

In spite of all kinds of spil s and sputters in the execution,

Moses held fast to the calling the Lord had placed on his

life. "He was faithful to the one who appointed him" (v. 2

NIV). Even in the noisy wind tunnel of guilt and regret,

even with loud music inviting him to dance with the

decadent, he could stil catch the faint whisper of heaven

compelling him to forsake temporary feelings and

pursuits for the sake of God's wil . And herein lies what

separated him and his people from all others.

He was not perfect, but he was purposeful.

He wasn't without mistake, but he was marked by God's

presence.

He marched to a higher standard, an overriding and

compelling force that drew him to desire what mattered

to his God more than what mattered to other people. An

overarching view of his life reveals a man not swayed by

the whims and fleeting passions that sought to redirect

his focus from heaven's call. He was headed to Canaan.

His goal was milk and honey. And even when it meant

picking himself up off the deck of defeat and

discouragement, he did not stop until God Himself

allowed him to go no farther. He was called by heaven—

an appointment that ordered his priorities, pursuits, and

passions. Not perfectly but persistently.

Faithful y.

We, too, like Moses, are privileged to share a calling that

has heavenly origin. Even now, if you listen closely, you

can hear its echo in your heart—can't you?—inviting

you to go on an adventure with God. As you turn these

pages, look inward to see if you're sensing an inner

gnawing for something more to be experienced in this

life of yours. If the potential of these resolutions causes

your heart to burn with holy anticipation, then you are

experiencing the call of heaven—inviting you, beckoning

you, encouraging you. Yes, heaven is calling out, looking

for the faithful who wil not only wake up each day

listening for it but wil respond to it when they hear it.

It's this groaning, this soul cry that longs for things

eternal, not for the things of this world. Whole dol ars,

not fractions. It's what causes us to feel a bit unsettled,

sensing an internal ache we're never quite able to quell,

one that wil not allow us to find complete satisfaction in

the silver coins of culture's currency.

God in Christ has made us different, and now He invites

us to desire the things He made us different for. This is

what qualifies the faithful-—those who recognize,

accept, and pursue God's path, knowing He wil see to it

that His calling comes to fruition. The "faithful" are those who resolve to despise the pathways of earthly success in

exchange for the divine mission given specifically and

uniquely by the Father.

It's why a mother might choose to stay home in an effort

to prioritize her family, because she knows how that

enticing yet all-consuming job offer could take her away

from what matters most.

Heaven calling.

It's what causes a single woman to refuse the offer of a

distinguished gentleman who's got everything going for

him except a passion for spiritual things and an interest

in God's plan for her life.

Heaven calling.

It's what compels a ministry leader to keep moving

forward with her study and planning and the building of

God's "house" even when finances and outside interests

look bleak.

Heaven calling.

It's what keeps a wife faithful to her marriage,

compelling her to hang in there without any real, earthly

security worth mentioning left to hang on to.

Heaven calling.

It's the call of the faithful. You and me. To fix our eyes on

Him and His plans for us, and then—with the

empowerment of the Spirit—to go about achieving them

in our various relationships and endeavors.

What do you sense heaven is calling you to do and be?

What do you believe to be God's overarching purpose for

creating you and then setting you down in this

generation at this particular point in history? Do you

know? Are you seeking to discover it as you wake up in

the morning listening for the hush of heaven?The best

way to begin is by being faithful to what He has set

before you right now. Sense the stirring in your soul as

God's Spirit quickens you to see what He's called you to

do today. Then pursue it at the expense of all else.

Unashamedly.

Diligently.

Faithful y.

Shhhhh. Listen.

Heaven's calling.

• How is Moses' example encouraging and inspiring to

you?

• How wil you be required to go against rationale or

cultural pressure to stay committed to what heaven is

calling you to do in this season of your life?

FAITH VS FAITHFULNESS

For you know that the testing of

your faith produces steadfastness.

(James 1:3 ESV)

A mother eagle is fiercely intent on guarding her eaglets.

She builds her nest high above the ground, safe and

protected from intruders, then lines it with a layer of soft,

comforting materials. Makes a nice, cozy resting place

for her young.

But an eagle's nest contains more than meets the eye.

Underneath this coating of soothing comfort, she has

constructed the base of her nest with rocks, sticks, and

other sharp objects—a rather ironic fact that her

growing brood wil soon come to discover. For when she

deems the time appropriate, the mother eagle wil shake

up the nest, turning it almost inside out, exposing the

bristly underside to their soft, young backsides. No longer

is it a place of comfort for her babies; it is now extremely

uncomfortable, a place they'd like to get away from.

For, yes, a mother eagle is fiercely intent on guarding her

eaglets. But she is equally determined to see them reach

their ful potential. So her job is not complete until she's

caused them enough discomfort to make them ready to

experience the reality of what God created them to do.

To stand to their feet.

To spread their wings.

And fly.

The concept of faithfulness, much like an eagle's nest,

also entails more than meets the eye. It isn't merely the

comfortable, untested summary of someone's beliefs—

her faith—but rather a physical outworking of her

actions. It's more than just having a firm persuasion; it's

moving that firm persuasion into forward motion.

Having a strong set of beliefs is one thing. But standing

up tall on them, making decisions according to them, and

adjusting your life to line up with them—that's quite

another.

That's faithfulness.

Faithfulness is born when the outward expressions of

your beliefs are lived out over time. Often through

difficulty. For difficulty is where faithfulness is honed

and brought to life. You'd never classify someone as

being faithful unless you'd seen her stand firm during a

course of action and decision where it would have been

much simpler to throw in the towel. The more

consistently a person does this, the more honored she is

for her steadfastness and perseverance.

It would be a real waste of time, for example, if you and I

were to spend all these pages and pages of time together,

sign our resolutions, believe in the impact we expect

them to have on us, then close the cover and go about

our lives as if we'd never made any decisions at all. We

would be, in essence, enjoying the cozy comforts of the

nest without ever experiencing the effect it should

produce in us. We can believe that these resolutions

would be effective. But if we don't act on them, we'l

never see the fruit they were designed to produce. Never

fly on the wings of God's Spirit. Never experience the

places His Word gives us access to.

Making resolutions is not what makes you faithful. That's

just like eaglets in a nest. Only when the nest is stirred

and your wings are spread, when you stay in flight no

matter how hard it is to keep your wings flapping—that's

when you're proving to be faithful.

Faithful to heaven's call.

Like Jesus. During His life and ministry here on earth,

"He learned obedience through what He suffered"

(Hebrews 5:8). Though He always had a firm persuasion

to seek His Father's wil and was perfectly successful in

doing so, He proved His faithfulness by working it out

day by day, living through difficulties, surrendering His

wil (Luke 22:42), offering prayers and petitions

(Hebrews 5:7), staying committed to His Father's

purposes regardless of His own human desire to steer

away from crucifixion and death. As a result, "He was

perfected [made complete], He became the source of

eternal salvation for all who obey Him, and He was

declared by God a high priest" (w. 9-10)—prepared for

His ultimate purpose because He'd "learned obedience"

the hard way. Walking against the grain. Stacking up His

bold profession against the bitter perils of life. Staying

completely surrendered, totally committed to the Father's

plan.

Faithful.

And if this is something that even Christ—deity clothed

in humanity, our ultimate example of holiness and

righteousness—if even He chose to humble Himself

enough to gain His faithfulness through experience, then

the same is certainly true of us.

Hopeful y you're a person of faith. But heaven is calling

you to be a person of faithfulness as well. When you're at

your job. When you're hanging out with friends. When

you're struggling financial y. When you're faced with a

tough decision. When you're doing your daily life and

wish you were doing somebody else's. By resolving to be

faithful y His, you are deciding to allow everything you

believe about God and His Word to consistently guide

your feet, your hands, your mind, your heart—despite

anything and everything that may point to the contrary.

In a world marked by constant change and incredulous

options, a woman who is resolved to live faithful y is an

irony. A mystery. But being different is worth the cost of

being diligent and strong. Being uncharacteristic is

worth the cost of feeling complete and lacking nothing,

prepared by God for the great work He has for her.

For you.

His faithful one.

• In your own words describe the difference between

having faith and being faithful.

• Would you describe yourself as a faithful person? If so,

in what areas of life?

I'D LIKE A WORD WITH YOU

The Bible. We treasure it, and yet like too many valuable

things in our lives, we have a tendency to turn it into just

another burden. We often think of the Bible as something

we've "got to do"—usually something we "haven't done."

We could be painting our nails or getting a head start on

our housework. We could be scanning our favorite Web

sites or going out with our coworkers to lunch. We could

be stretched out on the sofa for the evening or pushing

the snooze button on the alarm, but..

"Got to read my Bible."

(Long sigh.) "Where is it?"

It's easy for us to begin feeling this way about His Word

unless we realize that being faithful y His is rooted in the

kind of relationship we have with it. He has given us His

Word to learn from and enjoy. To refresh us. To call out

the desire for relationship with Him that He's planted

deep within our souls. To speak to our hearts. To show us

who He is. To awaken us to our failings, yes, but then to

draw us toward the restorative, redemptive blessings of

obedience. Not only that, but like a radiation treatment

on a cancerous cell, His Word is actively renovating us

even when it seems like nothing unusual is taking place.

His Word is not a chore. Not a nag.

It's life. It's love. It's living truth, solid as granite yet soft as a baby's skin.

And it's not just to read. It's to absorb. To bathe in. To live

by.

To inspire us, reshape us, and define us.

That's because it's alive. Not simply a book written with

historical data for your information but animated by His

Spirit for your edification—to speak intimately and

personally to you regarding His purposes for your life. If

you'l listen closely as you read it, you'l feel the warmth

of God's breath brushing across your cheek as His Spirit

infuses old words with right-this-minute application.

Most often, heaven's call to you wil be heard as you are

soaking in His Word. And your ability to remain steadfast

in your pursuit of the "faithful" label wil germinate from the encouragement you receive through its precepts.

Since faithfulness is a fruit of God's Spirit (Galatians

5:22), you can be certain that His Spirit within you wil

work in tandem with the edification you receive from

remaining consistent in His Word, helping you press on

toward the goal—"the prize promised by God's heavenly

call in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 3:14).

So as we wind down this section on being faithful y His,

in which I've encouraged you to be a woman marked by

dedication to heaven's call with a lifestyle to match, I

want to encourage you in your personal commitment to

His Word. For without it you'l lose your way and your

strength. The Bible is the tool divinely inspired to guide

and equip you for a life lived faithful y. In a world

inundated with ideas to the contrary, it is your constant

reminder of who you really are, why you're really here,

and who you real y belong to.

You're His. And His Word helps to keep you sure of that.

That's why I want to give you this lengthy list of

affirmation statements taken directly from the Word of

the living God. They're not direct quotes from Scripture,

but they recast the theme of the referenced verse so you

can declare it in first person. These are not necessarily to

be read all at once. I hope you'l return here again and

again, years into the future, just to read a half dozen or

so at a time, keeping yourself grounded in who you are,

whose you are, and what this glorious, eternal,

triumphant fact means to you.

As you audibly speak these biblical statements over your

life and the lives of your loved ones, your mind wil be

renewed, your faith strengthened, your actions and

attitudes transformed. "Faith comes from what is heard,

and what is heard comes through the message about

Christ."

• I love the Lord my God with my whole heart, soul, and

mind (Mark 12:30).

• I walk by faith and not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7).

• The Lord is on my side. I wil not fear what man can do

to me (Psalm 118:6).

• I am competent not in my own abilities but because He

has made me competent by His Spirit (2 Corinthians 3:5-

6).

• I abide in Christ, He abides in me, and I bear much fruit

(John 15:5).

• I have the mind of Christ; therefore I act in a way that is

consistent with His actions (1 Corinthians 2:16).

• He wil never leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5).

• I do not look with disdain upon my weaknesses. I see

them as opportunities for God to display His powerful

strength and grace through me (2 Corinthians 12:10).

• No weapon formed against me can prosper, and every

tongue that rises up against me in judgment wil be

condemned (Isaiah 54:17).

• I wil be hospitable without complaint (1 Peter 4:9).

• I wil not use my tongue to speak cursings, but rather I

wil speak life-giving blessings to everyone I meet and in

every situation I face (James 3:8-10).

• The Spirit indwells me; therefore I am the temple of the

living God (2 Corinthians 6:16).

• I am faithful over a few things, and I wil be made ruler

over many (Matthew 25:23).

• I humbly submit to God, and I actively resist the work of

the devil, knowing he must flee from me (James 4:7).

• I wil not give the enemy an opportunity or foothold in

my life (Ephesians 4:27).

• The One who is in me is greater than he that is in the

world (1 John 4:4).

• I choose to obey the Lord and receive the prosperous

abundance and blessing He wil bestow on me

(Deuteronomy 30:8-9).

• My heart keeps the commandments of God. They wil

add length of days and peace to my life (Proverbs 3:1-2).

• I walk by the Spirit and do not fulfil the desires of my

flesh (Galatians 5:16).

• I am enabled to exhibit the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy,

peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,

gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).

• The Lord guards my going out and my coming in, today

and forever (Psalm 121:8).

• I rejoice in the Lord whether circumstances are good or

bad (Philippians 4:4).

• I wil not be afraid when I lie down, and my sleep shall

be sweet (Proverbs 3:24).

• I obtain the favor of the Lord (Proverbs 12:2).

• The Lord is in my midst, and He sings over me with joy

(Zephaniah 3:17).

• I am the apple of my Father's eye (Deuteronomy 32:10).

• Goodness and mercy wil fol ow me not only today but

all the days of my life (Psalm 23:6).

• I have been made in the image and likeness of God

Himself. This is my heritage (Genesis 1:27).

• I have not been given the spirit of this world; rather, I

have the Spirit of God that I might know the mind and

wil of God for me (1 Corinthians 2:12).

• I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ (Romans 1:16).

My steps have been ordained and ordered by the Lord

(Psalm 37:23).

• I only allow my mind to entertain what is honorable,

right, pure, lovely, noble, excellent, and worthy of praise

(Philippians 4:8).

• I long for the pure milk of the Word that I may grow to

spiritual maturity (1 Peter 2:2).

• I seek peace and pursue it (Psalm 34:14).

• I am a necessary and useful part of the body of Christ,

and I wil use my spiritual gifts to edify others (1

Corinthians 12:7).

• Faith, hope, and love—especial y love—abide in me

(1 Corinthians 13:13).

• I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus (2

Corinthians 5:21).

• I have been given victory in Christ Jesus (1 Corinthians

15:57).

• I am meek, and I wil inherit the earth (Matthew 5:5).

• I extend mercy to others, and I wil in turn receive

mercy (Matthew 5:7).

• I have a pure heart before God, and I expect to see His

manifest presence in my life (Matthew 5:8).

• I discipline myself for the purpose of godliness since it

holds promise for the present life as well as the life to

come (1 Timothy 4:8).

• My ambition is to be pleasing to Him and Him alone (2

Corinthians 5:9).

• I do not judge fellow believers so that I wil not bring

judgment on myself (Romans 2:1).

• My priority is to seek first the kingdom and God's

righteousness, and I expect all needed, secondary things

to be added unto me (Matthew 6:33).

• I am a true worshipper. I worship in spirit and in truth

(John 4:23).

• I do not live by bread alone but by every word that

proceeds from the mouth of God (Deuteronomy 8:3).

• Rivers of living water flow out of my inner being (John

7:38).

• I have been chosen by God to bring forth fruit that shall

remain (John 15:16).

• I am a brand-new person. My old sin nature has passed

away, and everything has become new (2 Corinthians

5:17).

• No matter my past, I am forgiven of my sins because of

the lavishness of His grace upon me (Ephesians 1:7).

• I have been given every spiritual blessing in heavenly

places (Ephesians 1:3).

• Because He was wounded, I am healed (Isaiah 53:5).

• In Christ, I am whole and complete, lacking nothing

(James 1:4).

• Whatever I ask for in prayer according to the Father's

wil , I believe that I have received it (Mark 11:24).

• I am part of a chosen generation, a royal priesthood,

and a holy nation. I am one of God's own people (1 Peter

2:9).

• I wil not be afraid because I know the spirit of fear is

not from Him. He has given me a spirit of power, love,

and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7).

• I am not a stranger to God. I am a citizen of God's

kingdom and a member of His household (Ephesians

2:19).

• I have been sealed by the Holy Spirit who indwells me.

He is a pledge from the Father of my coming inheritance

(Ephesians 1:13-14).

• I am a masterpiece created in Christ Jesus in order to

walk in the good works He has prepared for me to do

(Ephesians 2:10).

• For freedom I have been made free. I walk daily in this

gift of freedom (Galatians 5:1).

• I am dead to the power of sin (Romans 6:11).

• I have been raised with Christ, and I sit with Him in

heavenly places (Ephesians 2:6).

• I am the salt of the earth and the light of the world

(Matthew 5:13-14)

• I wil not fear because the Lord is my light, my

salvation, and the strength of my life (Psalm 27:1).

• The joy of the Lord is my strength (Nehemiah 8:10).

• I trust completely in the Lord; therefore I wil be like a

fruit-bearing tree that continually finds nourishment

despite dry, parched weather (Jeremiah 17:7-8).

• No good thing wil the Lord withhold from me as I walk

uprightly before Him (Psalm 84:11).

• Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior, and I wil do the

works that He did (John 14:12).

• In Christ I have become a child of God, and I receive the

blessings God has for me (John 1:2; Romans 16:17).

• In Christ, God has chosen me as His own and made me

strong. He has placed His mark on me. He has placed His

Spirit in my heart as a guarantee for all He has promised

(2 Corinthians 1:21-22).

• I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me

(Philippians 4:13).

• Today God invites you to live a life marked by

faithfulness. By His Spirit and with the guidance and

encouragement of His Word, this is an attainable goal for

you. No matter what your past has held, this resolution

can mark a new beginning. Read the resolution

prayerful y and sign your name to it when you are ready.

FAITHFULLY HIS

I wil live as a woman answerable to God

and faithful y committed to His Word.

___________________________________

PART II

THIS IS WHAT I HAVE

MY

BEST

A RESOLUTION TO DEVOTE

MYSELF COMPLETELY TO

GOD'S PRIORITIES FOR MY LIFE

BOXES

I rapt softly on the door of her hotel room—a woman I'd

long admired from a distance, one I was thril ed for the

chance to spend time with after I'd discovered we were

both scheduled to speak at the same conference. She'd

been actively involved in ministry for more than thirty

years, and I—a young wife and new mom in the

fledgling stages of ministry—was feeling a bit strained in

this season of life. The feeding schedules and diaper

changes, the wakeful nights and early mornings, topped

off by the responsibilities of a growing ministry. I was

tired. Overwhelmed. Out of sorts and out of balance.

I needed a dose of her wisdom and perspective.

Stealing little moments like this was something I'd gotten

in the habit of doing—seeking out people who live life

the way it's supposed to be lived, capturing the

opportunity to snag one or two scraps of wisdom from

their conversation. As I sat cross-legged on the floor of

her hotel room, expecting nothing in particular but

everything at the same time, I knew if I'd just listen, I'd

glean a few nuggets of ageless truth to take away with

me.

Speaking in her delicate British accent, she whisked me

on a journey through her early years, revealing some of

the lessons she'd learned along the way, as well as the

ones she wished she'd learned a lot sooner. Each time I

asked her another question, I'd lean in, chin in my hands,

elbows on my knees, listening for her thoughtful

answers. Not a single one failed to make an impression.

Especially the boxes.

No, she didn't pul them out from under her bed or fish

them from a hiding place in the closet. She simply

painted them in my imagination and then set them out

before me, one beside another. Clear, glass boxes, each

with a lid on top that opened and closed from a hinge

fastened to the side. Al were exactly the same size, and

each was fil ed to the same level with a clear, bluish,

water-like substance.

"These boxes, Priscil a, are symbolic of the activities of

one's life, the various undertakings into which we must

invest our time, talent, and energy. Our tendency is to try

keeping them just this way— equally fil ed with identical

amounts of ourselves and our effort. This, we think, is

what balance looks like.

"But in reality, this is the picture of a woman

overworked, frustrated, and exhausted. A life out of

balance.

"The way we achieve balance, my dear, is to consider

prayerful y God's priorities for us in this current season

of life and then rearrange the boxes accordingly—

pushing some of them into the background, bringing

others to the front. Into these primary boxes we place the

best of ourselves and our effort, while perhaps totally

emptying some of the others—at least temporarily—not

because they're of any less overall significance but

because they're not where we need to be allocating the

best of our abilities and attention for the time being.

"Balance is not when the boxes are equally fil ed but

when we are free to fil only those that are important for

now, without feeling guilt over the ones that we've left

for another time and place. This is balance, little sister.

Remember it."

I have.

And the lessons learned from the boxes have saved my

life.

• If you have a tendency to spread yourself too thinly, in

what kind of state does this typically tend to leave you at

the end of the day or the start of a new week?

• Label each box with one of the different responsibilities

of your life. (Add more if you need to.) Color in each one

according to the level of time and effort you invest.

Compare them and prayerful y consider if your priorities

reflect God's intentions for you in this season of your life.

TIMING IS EVERYTHING

I think we all know what it means to give our best

(because you've probably already been doing it)—

working as hard as you can, pressing ahead even when

you feel like giving up and getting lazy, making the

necessary sacrifices that keep you on point and on task.

You're likely getting exhausted just thinking about a

resolution that has anything to do with giving more than

you already are. And sure, we're going to talk about that

a bit—giving your best instead of halfhearted leftovers—

but I think you'l be surprised to find that by the end of

this section, you won't feel like you're responsible for

doing more. Rather, you get to do less.

So don't get so hung up on the "giving the best of myself"

part that you don't get to the other part—the part that

changes the playing field of this resolution: getting

clarity on your "primary roles." We can't benefit from our understanding of one without having equal clarity about

the other. If you do your best, for example, but you

expend much of it on the wrong things, you've not only

wasted a lot of your energy and resources; you've also

lost time and opportunities you may never recover.

Achieving clarity on both halves of this resolution

equation is essential.

Being your best at what God wants you to be doing—

that's the thing to shoot for.

This balancing act took center stage during the latter part

of the Old Testament, after a remnant of the Hebrews

had returned to their native homeland from exile. The

Lord spoke to them through the prophet Haggai,

questioning the priorities they were demonstrating. The

order in which they were choosing to rebuild both their

nation and their lives was off-kilter. While the temple lay

in ruins and disrepair, the people were spending

considerable time and resources on the rebuilding of

their own lavish dwellings.

"These people say, The time has not come for the house of

the Lord to be rebuilt." The word of the Lord came

through Haggai the prophet: "Is it a time for you

yourselves to live in your paneled houses, while this

house lies in ruins?" (Haggai 1:2-4)

Imagine for a minute what it must have been like for

these people, straggling back into a geographical area

that had been ravaged decades earlier by marauding

forces. The many tasks of cleanup and debris removal,

the restoration of even a primitive form of infrastructure,

the cultivation of arable farmland—they faced it all. Al

at once. The land was in need of everything.

On top of these physical requirements, they were likely

feeling an incredible release of pent-up emotions, having

been held for years against their wil as a subjugated

people group in a foreign land. This chance to start fresh

—despite the many challenges of reclaiming a land gone

to seed—must have come with an intoxicating sense of

excitement as they sought to reestablish their own little

corner of the world.

So I think we can all admit—their desire to give time and

attention to the rebuilding of their own homes was

understandable. It was even honorable. It made as much

sense to them as your own reasoning does to you when

you're wanting to spend your time a certain way, when

you're wanting to focus on a certain task. Like theirs, this

undertaking of yours isn't necessarily bad or

inappropriate, in and of itself. It's probably even highly

honorable. Why then did God express such concern?

Turns out, He wasn't concerned with what they were

doing as much as when they were choosing to get it

done. See if you can detect the pattern:

• "This people say, 'The time has not come …"'

•".. even the time for the house of the Lord to be rebuilt."

• "Is it time for you yourselves to dwell in paneled houses

while this house lies desolate?" (vv. 3-4 NASB)

Rebuilding the destroyed temple (and thereby restoring

the worship of God to a place of prominence in their

lives) was obviously of greater priority to Him at that

particular moment than construction of their elaborate

dwellings. He wasn't saying their homes didn't matter. He

didn't mean they should be ashamed of themselves for

taking any thought about their own shelter and living

arrangements. But the time for concentrating their

efforts on their own houses was for later, not for now.

Now was the season to focus on the house of God, to pare

down their list and concentrate primarily on what God

was telling them to do today. So, yes, it meant that

something which brought them pleasure would need to

be put on the shelf for now but certainly not forever.

They were to focus on today's task, pushing others to the

side temporarily, while being assured that the time

would come for them to prioritize another thing later on.

Sometimes this realization can be a hard one. One friend

realized that she was spending an inappropriate amount

of time helping her extended family (an admirable task),

which was taking away from the attention she should

have been paying to her own immediate family. She loves

them dearly, of course, but after solving their problems,

bearing their burdens, listening to their issues, and

taking care of their concerns, she couldn't help noticing

that she was emotionally and physically depleted. God's

Spirit began to challenge her to consider that now was

not the time (and she was not the savior) to handle the

concerns of her extended family. In order to engage ful y

in God's goals for her in this season, she had to perform a

difficult but essential restructuring of her priorities.

Challenging but necessary.

As you're able to determine what your current priorities

should be, and as you're obedient in setting other things

aside for the time being, don't fret that you'l never again

have the opportunity to spend time pursuing them. The

next years, perhaps even the next few months, wil bring

with them a recalibration of what's most pressing and

important. Then some of these activities that you've

needed to shutter for a time may be ready again to

emerge into active duty.

Until then fight the urge to spread yourself too thin.

Home in on what matters today.

As a woman with small children, my alignment of

priorities wil look different from that of a retired

grandmother. And it should. A col ege student's primary

concerns for this season of her life wil look different

from those of a new graduate seeking to begin her

career. And it should. Whatever moment you're living in

wil cue you toward the responsibilities that are inherent

for you in this time and space.

So do those.

Focus on those.

Give yourself permission to say no to certain things that

are not really yours to carry right now. And force

yourself to delay certain things that aren't your primary

mission for this moment. In doing so, you'l find that

every yes comes with a lot more freedom and fulfil ment.

• Ask a wise, honest friend who knows you well how she

thinks you're managing your current priorities.

• As you think about those things you want to do but can

never seem to make time for, remember the biblical

appeal that says, "There is a time for everything, and a

season for every activity under the heavens" (Ecclesiastes

3:1 NIV). How could this deliberate act of trust and

perspective free you to invest yourself more joyful y in

today?

ANYTHING, EVERYTHING,

AND WHATEVER

Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or

whatever you do, do everything for God's glory.

(1 Corinthians 10:31)

"Whatever you do. ."

One of the richest blessings that comes from making the

tough decisions we've been talking about in this section

—decisions to shift some things into the background for

this season of life so you can focus on what currently

matters more—is that it unlocks your ability to finally do

things well, to do them in a way that magnifies and

honors God. Perhaps like many women, you constantly

feel like you're failing. You end most days with the sense

that you're inadequate, that you don't have what it takes,

that you just don't have it together like everybody else

seems to.

This is the burden the perfectionist carries. She's often

paralyzed because her standards are at such an

impossible height. She has so much to do and such a high

bar set for herself, she's discouraged before she even

begins trying to reach them all. She can't do anything

well because she's exhausted from doing everything. She

looks at all the half done and undone tasks around her

and melts into despair. Perfection is a surefire way to live

in shame and guilt your entire life, never satisfied with

yourself or your surroundings.

So just to be clear, this resolve to offer the best of yourself

is not a call to perfectionism. In passages like Matthew

5:48, where Jesus instructs us to "be perfect.. as your

heavenly Father is perfect," He's not saying that He

expects you to live without a single flaw or bobble. You

are being invited into a life of wholeness and

completeness. That's what the biblical word perfect

means. It's not a standard of faultless accuracy and

precision but rather an invitation to devote the whole of

yourself—your time and your talents—toward the

completion of the tasks He's appointed.

This resolution is actually encouraging you in the

opposite direction of perfectionism. It's encouraging you

to cut back, to engage in only those activities in which

God's glory wil be seen in this season of your life, and

then apply yourself more ful y to those. Most likely you

don't have a poor work ethic or bad character. You're

just allowing yourself to be pul ed in too many different

directions. As a wise friend once said to me, "Priscil a, you cannot do a thousand things to the glory of God, but you

can do one or two." And though she said it in jest while

observing my crammed schedule and scattered priorities,

her sentiments stil hold true. When you choose to do

everything, you can't do anything well. But when

honoring God is your focus, it pares down your purpose

and narrows your focus.

And for the record, doing things well is something you

can do!

The Bible promises it.

Why else would Paul admonish us to accept his

"whatever you do" encouragement as a living reality—

not just once, but again in Colossians 3:17: "Whatever

you do, in word or in deed, do everything in the name of

the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through

Him"?

He said it because it's true. If you and I wil take the time

to zero in on our unique, divinely given set of "whatever

you do" qualities (as I encouraged you to do with your

authentical y me resolution) and then commit to bring

them wholeheartedly to the tasks the Lord has given us,

He wil help us not only accomplish those tasks

sufficiently but also in a way that brings Him glory.

Trying to do what someone else has been commissioned

to do wil not honor God, no matter how well we try to

do it. At best we'l be imposters, emotionally deflated and

physical y exhausted from trying to live someone else's

life. But when we consecrate and commit our gifts to

Him in this current phase of life, we'l see that He wil

empower us to use them in a way that wil yield honor

and glory to Himself. You can be confident that what you

have to offer, when focused on honoring Him instead of

impressing or imitating others, wil bring your best to the

forefront.

What you can do—yes, you!—is good enough.

Did you hear me?

Good.

This might be news to you, especially if your natural

inclination is to wish you could do things like her, like

them. Maybe then "God would get a little glory out of this

life of mine." But Paul's instructions and this resolution

are not meant to inspire you to become like somebody

else—to start doing more of the things they do, more like

they do them. It's calling for "whatever you do." There is value in the unique way that you mother your children,

love your husband, do your job, oversee that committee,

participate in that organization, and spend your time. It's

what you do. It's how you do it. And that's what He has

promised to undergird with His power, causing Himself

to be magnified through your actions.

My mom had to come to this realization as a young

pastor's wife. She got the idea (after some not-so-subtle

suggestions) that she was supposed to fit a certain profile

in her highly visible position. She was to play the piano,

lead the choir, run the women's ministry, and dress like

Jackie Onassis to boot. That's what others thought she

should do. Yet much of this was not what God had

equipped her or called her to do. She could not possibly

engage herself actively in everyone's expectations and do

any of them with much success. So instead of trying to do

what other pastors' wives had done or were doing, or

what every single person in the congregation was

expecting of her, she decided to consider careful y what

she had been gifted to do and how she could do those

particular things with all her might, as unto the Lord.

Mom found her "whatever you do" spot—the one where

you can actually experience the joy of doing "everything

for God's glory."

So take a second to consider what God has uniquely

equipped you to do, as well as what He's asking of you

(and what He's not asking of you) at this particular

season of life. Instead of focusing on what you can't do,

why not careful y consider how to capitalize on what

you can do in a way that wil tap into God's presence and

power? Then no matter what day it is, no matter how old

you are, no matter what the moment demands, you can

be yourself, ful y believing that your personal "whatever

you do" is fulfil ing the purposes of God and wil bring

Him honor.

In anything and everything.

And here's something else: the message of Paul's verse

—"whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do"—

suggests that we shouldn't wait until matters are more

important before honoring God becomes our primary

goal. I mean, eating and drinking don't sound too

spectacular on the importance scale. Hardly anything

could be more regular, mundane, and ritualistic. But

nothing in God's eyes is too menial to be considered

worthy of our wholehearted devotion. Everything He has

purposed for us to participate in—every little thing—is a

fresh, available opportunity for His glory to be seen

through us, through you. Therefore, the task set before

you right now holds the potential for bringing honor to

the Lord. That's why He's given it to you. Yes, the

paperwork and computer details of your desk job. Yes,

your participation in the women's conference steering

committee. Yes, the changing of another dirty diaper.

Yes, the small deed of kindness to your spouse.

Don't save your best for later.

Don't wait to finish school, reserving your best work for

whenever you land a real job that's actually taking you

somewhere. Don't wait until you're married when the

things you do wil feel more like they're contributing to

building a home and a life. Don't wait until you start a

family, thinking you'l be more inspired to give your best

when you have children to invest in. Don't wait until

your kids leave the nest, biding your time until you're

freer to pour yourself into the next challenge.

Scout out what God's Spirit is compelling you to do, and

believe that if He called you to it, He wil empower you to

do it in a way that brings honor to Him. Then cooperate

with Him. Bring your best to it right now. Right here.

Right away.

I learned this lesson from my friend Tina. She never did

anything halfway. When Tina did something, everybody

knew it. If she agreed to help you out, you could be sure

you'd get everything Tina had to give. Ful y engaged. Al

over it. She didn't believe in halfhearted participation. . in

anything.

A single woman, Tina lived in an apartment. And though

she longed to own a home, she relished her little living

space and fil ed it ful with her vibrant style and

personality. Despite the fact that she was renting, she

insisted on adding the small touches that made her

temporary housing arrangement a home. She repainted

the walls, upgraded the lighting fixtures, instal ed some

new appliances. She gave that little place a soul.

I remember asking her one time why she was investing

so much into a place that most people wouldn't sink a

dime into. She told me that she never wanted to treat

anything in her life as if it wasn't worth celebrating, as if

it was too ordinary to deserve extraordinary attention

and appreciation. She didn't want to wait until she was

married or owned a house to start being a good steward

of her home. She didn't want to put off creating a life for

herself and the people she loved. She didn't want to

shortchange the glory of God by limiting it to things that

seemed suitably grand in scope. So she nested. Settled in.

Right there in apartment 21 A. Brought the best of herself

to this less-than-ideal but better-than-nothing time and

space.

Her words and attitude really hit home the day I filed by

her casket with the other mourners, shocked to see her

frail, lifeless body surrounded by white satin cushions,

taken so soon and suddenly from our smiling embrace

and friendship. She had gone to be with the Lord long

before she or anyone else expected. We were crushed.

We missed her so badly. But what if she had been the

kind of woman who waited until her life was a little

more together and established before she real y started to

live? What if she had held herself back and reserved her

best for later?

Please don't wait for another time, another set of

circumstances, another accomplishment, or another pay

raise before flinging the ful weight of your potential into

the mix—even if you're not entirely happy with how

your life looks right now.

Maybe you envisioned yourself running a Fortune 500

company rather than being a homemaker. And yet I

wonder if some of those same skil s you've honed and

enjoyed using in other settings are exactly "the best" of you that God would have you bring to the job of being

CEO of the day-to-day operations in your home.

Bring your best.

Maybe you have a serious passion for ministry and wish

you were financially able to engage in it ful -time rather

than being saddled with shift work that pays the bil s but

keeps you tied down to a firm schedule and thirty-

minute lunches. Don't wait until you're on the mission

field to fuel that fire. I wonder if that zeal is exactly "the best" of you that God wants your coworkers and clients to

encounter.

Bring your best.

Maybe divorce has left you alone and stripped of

confidence, a shell of the woman you once carried into

church, school functions, and family gatherings. But

what if you knew God's glory was stil imbedded in you

—in this piece and that piece—and by putting all of

yourself into all that's stil here, you could once again

experience the pleasure of honoring Him by every little

thing you do?

Bring your best—all your gifts, skil s, talents, and abilities

to the task at hand—in this moment, for His glory.

Without a martyr complex.

Even if no one notices.

Even if they notice but don't appreciate your efforts.

Do it anyway. For His glory.

Well, this chapter's about over, sister. And the next ten

minutes after you finish it—and then every ten minutes

thereafter-—-are in need of your dead-level best. Don't

sit around waiting for anybody else to get his or her act

together before you get busy doing yours. Set your sights

on displaying God's glory through today's calling, and

then watch Him inspire and empower you to bring your

A game every step of the way.

In anything, everything, and whatever you do.

• When honoring God is your focus, it pares down your

purpose and narrows your focus. Careful y reconsider

this sentence in light of your own personal

circumstances, then record your thoughts:

• How does a focus on honoring God. .

a. lighten the burden of the perfectionist?

b. inspire you to give your best effort?

• In which tasks have you felt like your best efforts were

not good enough?

• When faced with an activity like this—one that you

find particularly challenging—how are you encouraged

by knowing that God wil empower your efforts designed

to bring Him glory?

IT ONLY WORKS

WHEN I BREATHE

My family and I have become professional travelers.

We've learned how to pack lightly and navigate an

airport in no time flat. Boarding an airplane, even with

children in tow, is not nearly as difficult as it once was.

We've pretty much gotten it down to a science. In fact,

my boys have become so familiar with planes and

airports, they've started to mimic the airline attendants

and their preflight spiels. You know. .

• "Please keep your seat belt fastened while the 'Fasten

Seat Belt' sign is lit."

• "Lock your tray tables and bring your seat backs to an

upright position."

• "If you're seated in an emergency exit row but do not

wish to perform the functions described in the event of

an emergency, please ask a flight attendant to reseat you."

But no instruction is more entertaining to my children

than when the attendant stands up to do his or her little

demonstration, pul s out a clear plastic bag attached to a

yellow cone with two little strings hanging down from it,

and says, "In case of an emergency, oxygen masks wil

automatically drop down and appear in front of you. If

you are traveling with a child—(or anyone acting like a

child, as one stewardess added)—secure your own mask

first, and then assist the other person."

This one bothers my boys. "Why should the adult get the

mask first?" they wonder. It seems natural to them that

the kids should go first. (So typical.)

I do my best to explain that they can't receive proper aid

until the person helping them is capable of doing so. If I

were to pass out from lack of oxygen, for example, I

wouldn't be able to provide them the care they need and

deserve.

But how about you? Are you suffocating from a lack of

oxygen while trying to make sure everyone else has

sufficient care?That's the question I want you to consider

before you sign the next resolution.

Over the last three chapters I've encouraged you to give

the best of yourself to others, and yet doing so wil be

impossible if you don't have anything to give. A fatigued,

unhealthy body wil not have the energy to make it

through the day. Skil s and mental capabilities that have

been dul ed and left unattended wil not keep you sharp

enough to be of ful use to your family and loved ones.

Being unattuned spiritually to the Lord and His Word

wil cause you to be deflated, lacking the Spirit's direction

and fruit that enable you to give when you feel like you

have nothing else to offer.

Therefore, making time for what I call "good self-care" is not a luxury; it's a necessity for any woman wanting to

make this resolution. You wil never be able to give the

best of yourself if you're not taking care of yourself to

begin with.

I'm well aware of the difficulty I may have presented

here. Having the time to do anything for yourself may

seem out of the question—maybe even highly selfish,

given your time constraints as a single mother of two

small children, or a mom with a special-needs child, or a

grown daughter with aging parents, or a wife whose

husband's career keeps him on the road several days a

Week, or a single professional saddled with a tall stack of

obligations. This list could go on, couldn't it? And

whichever phrase would best describe you, it would

probably mitigate against the ready availability of any

personal time for yourself.

At the beginning of this section, when I asked you to

rearrange your boxes, I'm almost certain that many of

the ones pertaining to the things that are fulfil ing to you

personally were the ones you reassigned to the back of

the line. That's usually where our own care goes when

we start getting serious about life. Many women assume

and are taught that these are the sacrifices we make

when needing to squeeze the most from each minute in

the day and maximize our time. So we feel terribly guilty

when we even consider taking a moment to relax and

rejuvenate.

But hold on a minute. Why wouldn't taking care of

yourself be considered one of the best possible uses of

your time when doing so sets the tone for the rest of your

entire life?

Now I know that not everyone can head off to the spa for

half-day treatments once a week or do shopping and

lunch with their girlfriends every afternoon. Certainly

not me. Time and money keep these luxuries from being

feasible for most of us. Neither am I giving you a license

to be self-absorbed.

I am saying this, however: if you don't have any oxygen,

you wil begin to suffocate. That's just the truth, my "I can do everything, don't worry about me, I'l be fine, thank

you" friend.

So. .

What simple pleasure could you participate in that

would rejuvenate you? Many of us don't even know what

simple fun looks like anymore.

For me, spending a few moments alone doing the grocery

shopping, or sneaking off to a movie with a friend after

the kids are in bed constitutes good self-care. Waking up

a wee bit earlier than my three growing boys to jog and

pray for thirty minutes in the quiet of the morning

always refreshes me. And sometimes, when those

afternoon hours bring a lul that woos me to sleep, a

quick thirty-minute nap after my two-year-old has gone

down often does the trick.

It's also been recommended to me, as I've gotten older,

that I must consider the changing needs of my body.

What it required to stay replenished, energized, and

healthy ten years ago was different from what it needs

today. This has meant reconsidering what foods I eat,

what vitamins I take, and the consistency with which I

see health-care professionals throughout the year.

Additionally, I try not to allow the passions God has given

me to get trampled under the busyness of life. Whenever

I can, I do the small things that help me continue to grow

and develop and stay in tune with those areas.

What might give you a fresh draft of oxygen? It doesn't

have to be expensive or particularly time-consuming. A

walk after dinner. A cup of tea at a friend's kitchen table.

Picking up that novel that's been sitting on your

nightstand. Getting to the office ten minutes early to be

alone with God before the workday starts. Often a quick

interval of quiet can give you just the boost you need to

be back on your feet and engaged in the tasks at hand. Or

if being around other people is what energizes you,

planning even a short outing with a group of friends can

do the trick.

Set a timer if you have to. But do it!

There's just no way around it. If you're going to stay

sharp—if you're going to keep your oxygen levels up—

you need a break every now and then. It's not a break

from your life; it's a break for your life.

If you live with someone-—your husband, a roommate—

ask him or her to help ensure that this becomes a regular

part of your life. If this kind of household accountability

is not an option for you, I've often wondered if there are

people within our own churches who could help us with

this. For instance, there are other moms around with the

same time constraints you have. What if you arranged to

keep one another's children for two-hour intervals on

occasion so that one of you could have a few minutes to

run errands alone?

Or what if there's a single woman who really wants to

know what it's like to be a wife and mother? In exchange

for your real-life mentorship, maybe she could come

over to get some hands-on experience for an hour here

or there and give you enough time to do something that

would really recharge you or give you a sense of

accomplishment.

Or maybe if you live close to a friend, the two of you

could arrange a little cooking co-op. If you're already

preparing a meal one night, why not make enough for

both of your families so the other mom can make use of

the time when she'd normally be fixing dinner? Then

take turns so that both of you can benefit from the trade-

off. Creatively consider how you could arrange small

pockets of time like this so you can snatch some moments

for yourself.

And single woman, I want to warn you against assuming

—just because you're single—that you're off the hook on

this topic. Some of the busiest, most overwhelmed people

I know are single. Without the built-in personal

restraints a married woman might have, you might not

be careful enough to keep from overextending yourself.

You're going to bed late and waking up even earlier the

next day. You're busier than any one person should be,

showing up at a lot of activities but often unable to offer

your best because you're so tired all the time, losing your

grip on your primary callings. More critically, you're

setting a precedent that wil fol ow you into marriage.

Engaging in good self-care now wil help you develop a

habit that continues to benefit you throughout your life.

I've often heard that the best gift a couple can give their

children is a healthy marriage. And yet with the daily

demands of parenting, one of the hardest things to do is

to spend time with your husband, building your

friendship, enjoying your partnership, keeping the

passion alive. The same is true for you as a woman. The

best gift you can give those you love is to take care of

yourself, even though it can be one of the hardest things

for you to prioritize.

And yet by running yourself ragged, trying to do

everything morning til night, you're in essence trying to

be God. Overwork is a form of unbelief. You're saying

through your actions that you don't believe He can take

care of everything, meaning you're on the hook for it. But

playing God is exhausting. After all, He's the only One up

to the job.

So take a step back from your life, take a fresh look at it,

and ask yourself:

"When wil I put on my oxygen mask so I can. . bre-e-e-

eathe?"

• By signing this resolution, you are choosing not to allow

perfectionism to rule your life. You are determining,

rather, to consider careful y what God has prioritized for

you in this season of life, and then examine the unique

qualities you've been given to bring to those tasks. You

are accepting this resolution as an invitation to become

ful y engaged in today's assignment and bring all of

yourself into every one. You wil no longer see taking

care of yourself as something to be ashamed of but a

requirement to enable you to better serve others.

Consider your notes from the previous chapters, and

then make your resolution with confidence.

MY BEST

I wil seek to devote the best of myself, my time,

and my talents to the primary roles the Lord

has entrusted to me in this phase of my life.

__________________________________

MY

BLESSING

A RESOLUTION TO ESTEEM OTHERS WITH

MY TIME, CONCERN, AND FULL ATTENTION

THE GIFT

On the heels of receiving my undergraduate degree, I

began working as an independent contract speaker for

the Zig Ziglar Corporation. Those were good, formative

years for me, fil ed with unique opportunities to sit under

the tutelage of some amazing presenters. I was the young

one of the bunch, so I took great care when watching

these much more seasoned communicators, studying

what they did with their hands, how they made effective

use of the stage, how they engaged an audience.

I especially recall listening to one of the eldest and most

accomplished speakers on our team deliver a message I'd

heard him share a mil ion times before. I could probably

have told you every word he was going to say before he

said it. Yet at the end of his talk, something he mentioned

affected me in a way it had never touched me before.

Right before taking his seat after an hour-long

presentation, he lowered his voice, looked squarely into

the eyes of his audience, and said, "I'm aware that the

greatest gift you can ever give someone is the gift of your

own time. Thank you for giving me that gift today."

Time. Listening.

A gift.

I've never forgotten that. In fact, I keep this awareness at

the forefront of my mind each time I stand on a platform

in front of a listening audience. When people give you

their ear, they are offering you a sliver of their life they

can never retrieve again—one of the few gifts that can

never be returned or retracted.

But this dynamic is not only true of an audience listening

to a speaker. It's true of any person who lends her ear to

another individual. And we are in that position every day

—the opportunity to envelop ourselves in someone else's

conversation, to suppress the clamor of our own

thoughts and schedule, to focus our ful attention on

other people, giving them an offering of the rarest kind.

The gift of ourselves. The gift of our time.

The gift of listening.

Think of it. When was the last time somebody real y

listened to you? Not the last time you talked but the last

time you felt you were really heard. It's highly probable

that these two occasions were not one and the same. You

may not even be able to easily recall a recent moment

when you experienced that special sense of knowing that

someone was all there, all yours, intent on hearing what

you had to say. But once you transport yourself back to

that time, seeing the attentive eyes of that other person,

you'l be looking into the face of someone you deeply

appreciate, someone who truly knows how to make a

person feel valued and accepted, loved and affirmed.

Why?

That's just what the gift of listening does. What starts

with one gift spins off into others—the gifts of self-

worth, significance, personal satisfaction. The kind of

gifts we all want to be known for giving.

But oh, how uncommon they are. How rarely we receive

them, much less give them. Most of the time we're so

focused on ourselves and preoccupied with our own

feelings, every conversation becomes ultimately about us

and how we're being affected. We're parsing what the

other person is saying, interpreting as we go, trying to fix

whatever problem she's presenting, jumping in at every

possible opening with our own attempts to turn the

attention back to us, our experiences, and our opinions.

Even if we have good intentions, even when we try really

hard to make ourselves listen, we have a hard time

keeping it up for long. And every time our focus lags, we

translate to the other person a disinterest not only in

what she's talking about but in herself as a person.

Truly, what we say by not listening says a lot.

Which is precisely why this simple yet profoundly

difficult discipline is such a source of extreme blessing to

others. When someone is able to know, during whatever

few moments we're present with her, that we esteem and

honor who she is—few things mean as much.

Don't the people in your life deserve this blessing? Your

husband? Your children? Your parents? Your friends? To

feel strengthened and encouraged just by being around

you? Even without being able to give them money, or an

ideal solution to their questions, or a job offer to ease

their worry and desperation, you can stil cause them to

sense a gentle strength and empowerment in your

presence. Whether friends or family members or even

strangers—people you could just as easily pass by in

your hurry to get from place to place— looking them in

the eye can be a blessing you share throughout the day.

Every day.

Jesus must have known the power of this blessing. He

made a habit of bestowing it on the most insignificant,

unnoticed people of His day Jesus—the only true know-

it-all ever to walk the earth, who legitimately had no

good reason for listening to a single word from anyone—

chose on many occasions to stop, to wait, to listen, to give

attention to another before speaking Himself, even when

the other person was misinformed or even spouting

blasphemy.

He listened to the clever dodges and smokescreens of the

woman at the well (John 4:4-30). He listened to Peter

and the other disciples indignantly boasting that they

would never deny or desert Him (Matthew 26:31-35).

He listened to the call of an individual blind

man, even over the mournful roar of human need on a

crowded street near Jericho (Luke 18:35-43).

We should hardly be surprised. This is so consistent with

His character. Throughout the Scriptures we see God

listening to His people. Listening to the accusatory

sentiments of a discouraged, impatient prophet

(Habakkuk 1:1-11). Listening to the delineated questions

of a man suffering unexplained misery (Job 3:1-26).

Listening to the many excuses mapped out by Moses for

why he was uniquely unqualified for locking horns with

Pharaoh (Exodus 3:1-4:13). Listening to the whining

tirade of a bitter, unbecoming man of God (Jonah 4:1-

11).

Listening is one of the most significant ways He blesses

us. Therefore, quite predictably, it's one of the key ways

we can bless others.

So choose to listen. Resist the urge to criticize, insult,

laugh, or make sarcastic remarks. Battle the press of time

and urgency and the hunger to get away. Just lean in,

quietly, emphatically, purposeful y.

And listen.

It's your gift. Your blessing.

Give it to whomever you can.

• What is the most difficult part of listening for you?

• Recall the last time you genuinely felt heard. Make a list

of some one-word adjectives that describe how this

encounter made you feel about what you were saying?

About yourself?

• Who are the people in your life who would benefit the

most if you took the time to listen to them?

SHHHH

More than a decade ago, while living on the cusp of my

wedding and marriage, I came across this insightful

definition of wisdom: (1) knowing what to say, and (2)

not saying it.

Of all the things I'd read and heard through various

newlywed books and bits of premarital advice, something

about this one simple statement seemed to leap off the

page and linger in the air, challenging me, convicting

me, redirecting me. Even today—even right this minute

—I'm captured by both its brevity and perspicacity.

It stil speaks to me. Telling me that wisdom is often

revealed in silence.

Granted, this wasn't entirely new information. My own

mother said something similar to me—or at least to the

much mouthier version of me who shared this same body

during my teenage years and often spoke without

thinking. "Priscil a," she said, "you don't have to say everything that pops into your head." But my mom, of

course, wasn't the first to communicate this sage advice.

Long before I was a teenager, certainly long before I was

on the precipice of becoming a wife, a man of great

wisdom chronicled the fol owing words into Scripture:

Too much talk leads to sin. Be

sensible and keep your mouth shut.

(Proverbs 10:19 NLT)

So I'd had ample opportunity for this idea to grip me. I

knew of the beauty, power, and (yes) wisdom involved in

careful y considering what I say and when I choose to

say it. I was ful y aware that the strongest, most

astonishing stance of all is silence.

But I haven't always lived like it.

I distinctly remember a time when Jerry and I were

picked up by an older, white-haired gentleman and his

wife at the airport in Los Angeles, where I'd gone to

minister at a local conference. On the way to our

accommodations at a tiny parish house across from the

church, we began a conversation about spiritual things.

When the man mentioned a specific passage in keeping

with the theme of our discussion, it happened to be one

I'd just been reading on the flight over. So when he

specifically said where the verse was found, I knew

immediately that he was incorrect.

"I think that's in 1 Corinthians 3," I corrected him.

"Nope," the kind, soft-spoken man replied confidently to me through the rearview mirror, "It's definitely 2

Corinthians 4."

Quietly I flipped through my Bible and found the passage

tucked exactly where I knew it was. Then without

thinking I lifted it up in view of his gaze in the mirror,

pointing out that he was clearly wrong. "It's 1

Corinthians 3."

I win.

Here I was, barely in my mid-twenties, choosing to take

on a man in his seventies or eighties who'd been kind

enough to invite a kid like me to California-—over a

disputed Scripture reference! Instead of just staying quiet

and allowing this sweet man to maintain his dignity, I'd

spoken up, pretty much spoiling the mood of the rest of

our ride together.

When Jerry and I were finally alone, he asked me, "Why

did you do that? Why was it so important to know you

were right?" I don't know. I just know there's not a single

one of us who doesn't have a personal story or two (or

twenty) like this—a time when being quiet would have

spared us all kinds of hurt, embarrassment, and regret—

when our silence might have prevented us from landing

a damaging blow to another or straining a relationship.

Silence is our friend. Silence is our strength.

Obviously I'm not saying we should never speak up or

should change our core personalities. It's just that we

probably don't need any instructions in this book on how

to be better talkers. Let's be honest, we've pretty much got

the talking part mastered, don't we? But a chapter on

understanding the wisdom and power of silence— the

last thing we often consider when faced with a situation

begging for an opinion, decision, or anything to break

the awkward stil ness— I'm guessing that's something

worth talking about.

Silence is our way of growing deep, of discovering

maturity, of exercising the kind of influence God has

created us to have on others, as opposed to the

destructive, discouraging alternative. "Knowing what to

say" and "not saying it" at an inappropriate time puts us in a position where—when the time is right for

expressing ourselves—our words can yield an extremely

positive blessing.

A woman who is quick to listen is one who gathers up all

the information before releasing her reaction. She resists

the urge to spout off everything her mind formulates,

choosing rather to give her solutions time to settle, to

become properly shaped before being shared. When she

speaks, her advice and assessments are sensible and

sober. Prudent and purposeful. Those on the receiving

end of her conversation realize they're hearing a

response that hasn't been considered halfheartedly.

They're primed to listen on the edge of their seats—eager,

hungry, ready to hear—knowing that "the tongue of the

righteous is pure silver" (Proverbs 10:20). Valuable,

prized, precious, and worthy. Words that nourish, edify,

and benefit others.

I know you've met these exceptional kinds of people.

Women of uncommon wisdom and dignity. You've

wanted, as I have, to be the kind of person who sits at the

end of the dinner table, saying nothing, yet ful y present

by your quiet strength and peaceful wisdom, by your

patience and prudence. Rather than being tangled up in

a web of pointless gossip—some "he said, she said"

mayhem that's not intended to be solved but merely

enjoyed for sport—you hold your opinions, knowing that

the incessant chatter of "foolish lips wil be destroyed"

(Proverbs 10:8).

Yes, picture yourself as that person. Someone who's long

abandoned the need to impress others or be the center of

attention. In its place you've acquired the ease and

freedom that unsaddles you from pride and pretense,

from anything that compels you to desire being noticed

or to force your importance onto the group. In humility

and appreciation of others, you're content just being a

participant like everyone else. You don't think you're

always right and that everyone else is wrong, as if you

alone know all the answers. You just listen and learn.

Contemplating and considering. Weighing and waiting.

This is wisdom.

And power.

It's the power of the tongue, as described by James in the

New Testament. The sure, steady strength of character

available to the person who's able to harness it, bridle it,

and contain its wild nature. "For we all stumble in many

ways," he tells us, but "if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a mature man who is able to control his

whole body" (James 3:2). Gaining mastery over our

words is like a sea captain caught in a furious squall over

open waters who strategically applies the small rudder

underneath his massive oceangoing vessel, charting its

course and ultimately determining its destination,

bringing it safely to shore.

The blessing of silence. May we learn it, love it, and live

according to it.

This is our resolution.

• What would immediately change for the better in your

life if you began exercising the spiritual restraint of

silence?

• Try it for just a day or two. Deliberately keep from

saying something that's better left unsaid. Al ow the bait

of another's unkind or inappropriate remark to land

without hooking a response from you. Record what you

observe about yourself and the change in the dynamics

around you.

UNDERNEATH IT ALL

My sister Chrystal and I shared a room growing up. It

was a small twelve-by-thirteen-foot space with our

twin-sized beds lining opposite walls. Mine was right

next to the Jack and Jil bathroom that connected to our

brothers' room. At night we'd close that door before

going to sleep to keep from being distracted by them.

(You know brothers.)

I distinctly remember waking up one morning and

looking above the frame of that bathroom door—the

same sight I was accustomed to seeing every morning at

sunrise. But this time I noticed something I didn't

remember ever being there before: a slight, slender crack

creeping upward about two feet from the top of the door

to the ceiling.

Strange.

When my dad found out about it, he called a painter to

come over and look at it. I remember him showing up a

few days later, applying some plaster and repainting with

the most compatible color he could find. For several

weeks after that, I went to bed looking at the misplaced

line of color streaked on the wall above the door.

Then one day I awoke startled to see that the crack had

returned. And this time he wasn't alone. He apparently

had been recommending his new living arrangements to

his family members because it appeared they'd all come

to settle in with him. As many as a half-dozen cracks of

all shapes and sizes now laced the wall.

But when another painter came to examine the situation,

he told my dad that painting alone wouldn't be sufficient

to solve the problem. The reason the cracks were

showing up, he explained, was because the foundation

underneath our house was shifting. And no matter how

much paint we splashed up there to cover them, they

would keep coming back. The cracks were merely

symptoms of a more serious condition.

The only way to rectify this problem was to address the

foundation.

Al of this talk about being a blessing to others by

disciplining ourselves to listen and by preparing

thoughtful, careful responses has gotten me thinking

about how difficult a resolution this wil be for many of

us. I could probably venture to say.. most of us.

Or even more accurately.. me.

Control ing my own tongue is a quest I'm sure wil

require all the maturity every year of my life wil bring.

That's because so far along this journey, I've already

discovered that the "cracks" I make with my mouth are

actually symptoms of a much deeper, much more

intimate issue, something much more difficult to address.

It's down below the surface. Closer to the ground than

my mouth is.

For out of the abundance (overflow)

of the heart his mouth speaks.

(Luke 6:45 AMP)

Turns out, my mouth is only a barometer that divulges

whether I'm immersed in humility and surrendered in

obedience to the Lord, or I'm housing a malnourished

spirit that stubbornly refuses to yield to the wisdom of

God's own Word.

It's a foundational issue.

So taking inventory of your tongue's track record is an

instructive way to uncover what's hidden within. Let's try

it.

• Symptom: Are you always quick to offer an opinion,

inserting your assessments into conversations at every

conceivable opportunity? Diagnosis: This could reveal a

haughty tinge in your heart, which causes you to feel the

need to impress and be at the center of attention.

• Symptom: Are you constantly critical and demeaning in

your spoken sentiments? Diagnosis: These are often code

words for insecurity and a lack of certainty in your

inherent value, as well as a heart infested with anger and

judgmental attitudes.

• Symptom: Do you frequently find yourself quarreling

with your spouse or being divisive among others?

Diagnosis: You're lacking a spirit of peace and unity deep

inside, a true desire for your relationships to be

strengthened and reflect the grace of Christ.

• Symptom: Does gossip continue to come easily for you,

so that even the steeliest self-restraint is unable to stop

you? Diagnosis: You find others' problems and

difficulties entertaining and don't think of them as people

needing your support, prayer, and companionship.

• Symptom: Do your words often reveal a doubtful,

skeptical outlook? Diagnosis: You're low in the faith and

belief department, not operating from a deep trust in

God's ability and His wise handling of the details and

timing of your life.

The words of our lips are like cracks in the wall,

revealing what's going on at the foundation. For truly,

"out of the abundance (overflow) of the heart his mouth

speaks."

Jesus' use of the word heart in this verse signifies the

inner being of an individual, the place where our

thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs are cemented. The heart is

a reservoir, a holding tank for every attitude and belief

we've either placed there or allowed to hang out there. It

is a storehouse containing the essence of who we are and

— because of its direct link to our ongoing habits and

actions—the picture of who we're becoming.

And just as surging floodwaters wil burst through a

dam, just as sizzling popcorn kernels wil erupt on the

cooking stove, the contents of our hearts wil inevitably

push and press against the sides, unable to stay

contained, needing more room to expand, and eventually

spil ing out in our words and conversation. Can't help it.

No stopping it.

When I'm in the car with my boys, for example, they

immediately spot every single McDonalds we pass, and

they always make a point of letting me know they see it.

Even when those golden arches are quite a distance

away, my kids seem to have some sort of radar that clues

them in to an approaching fast-food opportunity. Why?

Because that's what they love.

And what goes for hamburgers and french fries goes for

anything else we set our hearts on. Those hidden loves,

desires, and tendencies blow their cover in our

conversations.

The Bible refers to these occupants of our hearts as

"treasure."

The good man out of the good treasure of his

heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man

out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil.

(Luke 6:45 NASB)

This word for "treasure" in the original language is the same one used to describe what was inside the chest the

wise men in Matthew 2 carried. The reason they were

able to pul such fine gifts from it to present to Jesus was

because those were the treasures they had placed there.

Likewise, the kinds of treasure—whether good or bad—

that flow from our hearts into our conversation, our

reactions, our initiatives, and our expressions wil

determine whether we come bearing harm or blessing.

So I ask you. .

What are you putting inside?

What treasures are you storing?

If you don't know, just listen to yourself, because your

words and tone and topics of conversation wil tell you.

This is why it's so imperative that you heed this

remarkable piece of biblical advice:

Watch over your heart with all diligence,

for from it flow the springs of life.

(Proverbs 4:23 NASB)

You must be the guardian of your own heart, ensuring

that you do not allow it to become pol uted by anything

that wil hinder your mission of being conformed into

the likeness of Christ. The more you soak in His Word

and His truth, the more you can expect to have a deep

reservoir fil ed with all the treasures needed to temper

your conversations with wisdom, kindness, and humility.

So guard your heart, and do not allow it to become

hardened (Proverbs 28:14), deceptive (Psalm 12:2),

prideful (Proverbs 21:4), or unclean (Psalm 51:10). Seek

rather to have a heart that is always sensitive to the

prodding of God's Spirit (Romans 8:5), single-mindedly

devoted to Him (Psalm 86:11), drenched in humility

(Proverbs 22:4), and pure before God (Matthew 5:8). "Do

nothing out of rivalry or conceit, but in humility consider

others as more important than yourselves. Everyone

should look out not only for his own interests, but also

for the interests of others" (Philippians 2:3-4).

A woman whose heart is ful of gratitude and humility,

who is certain of God's love for her, and who genuinely

prizes the worth of those around her wil release a steady

stream of graciousness that wil refresh others through

her conversation. Others wil desire the joy of her

company because they know she seeks their welfare and

esteems them more highly than herself. She wil invite

the opportunity to listen to others, then wil humbly offer

the wisdom that is rooted in her treasure box, fil ed with

a wealth of good things.

So before you prayerful y consider and sign the next

resolution, please understand that it's not just about

watching your mouth but watching your heart. Any

lasting change you make in control ing your speech wil

have to start at the base, the foundation, down where the

cracks are really formed.

Down where breakthroughs can really happen.

• As you prepare to make this resolution, picture the

people in your life who most need to receive this gift

from you, as well as the obstacles that often keep you

from being able to give it. Before rushing ahead and

signing your name, consider what changes you'l need to

make to become a person who is "quick to listen and slow

to speak!' Do you need to turn off some technological

devices, for example, so people feel prioritized and

important? Be wil ing to make some of these practical

and necessary adjustments so this resolution doesn't just

"sit on the shelf" of your life and not become a reality.

Then, when you're ready, prayerful y read the statement

below and sign your name.

MY BLESSING

I wil be a woman who is quick to listen and slow

to speak. I wil care about the concerns of others

and esteem them more highly than myself.

___________________________________

MY

FORGIVENESS

A RESOLUTION TO RELEASE OTHERS FROM

THE PRISON OF MY HURT AND. ANGER

INTERNAL INJURIES

No sooner had I curled up on the sofa to watch one of my

favorite hospital/medical TV dramas than the action

immediately captured my attention. A devastating crash

brought dozens of wounded to the emergency room,

overwhelming the staff with the sheer number of those

needing attention. Among the flurry of new patients were

two women—best friends—who had both been involved

in the accident and whose story line was setting up to be

featured in the show.

Actually, one of the women appeared to be fine. But the

other, strapped to a gurney, was obviously in grave

danger. The attendants rushed to her aid, whisking her

into triage, while several nurses offered the less injured

woman a quick check of her vitals, just to be sure she

was OK. Far more concerned about the health of her

closest friend, she declined.

As the program continued, chronicling the various

stories and traumas surrounding this event, the camera

kept circling back to this frantically worried woman. She

prayed by her friend's bedside. She hailed the doctors'

and nurses' attention, requesting pain medication and

assistance for her ailing companion. She made cell phone

calls to family members. She kept up a one-sided

conversation with her semiconscious friend in an

unselfish attempt to keep her company. Finally, when the

stricken woman's condition appeared to be stabilizing,

her relieved friend relaxed a bit and began to entertain

the medical staff with her effervescent, engaging

personality and wit. Everything seemed to be turning out

all right. Not only was her friend going to be fine; so was

she.

Then all of a sudden, with absolutely no warning, she

col apsed.

Just like that.

I sat forward in my seat, stunned, just like the fictional

hospital staff. Highly trained individuals, who seconds

before had been laughing at her jokes while caring for

her injured friend, now gathered around this woman,

quickly administering the help she so desperately needed.

But nothing they could do was of any value.

Within sixty seconds she was dead.

Gone.

A mandatory X-ray report revealed that she had

apparently suffered internal wounds and bleeding in the

accident. And throughout the day—though neither she

nor any of the hospital staff had been aware of it—her

life had been slowly ebbing away. For hours on end, she

had been within an arm's length of treatment and

healing procedures, while secretly dying on the inside.

Without realizing the extent of her own injuries, she had

cared for another, not knowing she was fighting for her

own life as well.

This graphically il ustrates the internal trauma of

unforgiveness. How easily it goes undetected, buried

beneath the disguises of external smiles and laughter. We

pour ourselves into activity and busyness to avoid having

to think about it, medicating ourselves on others' needs

instead of tending to the surgery we need ourselves. We

continually operate at surface level, masters at managing

the externals, even though the churn of sickness and

unrest is always at work underneath, wreaking havoc

and decay to our very souls.

"Examine yourselves," the apostle Paul declared—not just once but twice in the span of two books of the Bible (1

Corinthians 11:28; 2 Corinthians 13:5). Rather than

always spending your time trying to fix others, look

deeply and consider what could be festering inside your

own heart—what the Bible calls a "root of bitterness"

(Hebrews 12:15), growing in the soil of your heart and

sprouting buds of resentment that affect every aspect of

your life.

We're embarking in the fol owing pages on a journey

into forgiveness. Maybe this is not an area of concern for

you right now, so you're tempted to skip to the next

section. But I encourage you to hang in there with me

because this resolution wil most likely be beneficial to

your life at some point in the future. However, if this

theme settles squarely on a specific pain in your heart,

then prepare yourself for what could be one of the most

difficult yet worthwhile ventures of your whole life.

Obviously the span of a few thousand words is hardly

adequate even to approach the subject, much less wrap

our ful arms around it. But for a few moments at least,

let's take a look inward, you and me. Instead of working

so hard to keep the focus and spotlight on everyone else

—both those who've hurt us as well as those who make

us feel better and forget about it all—let's be wil ing to

drag out these grudges we're holding and harboring,

these heavy containers of unforgiveness that never stop

leaching poisons into our system.

Let's "examine" ourselves. Because if we do, we could be on our way to healing.

We could live.

Really live.

• If you don't feel like forgiveness is something you have

an issue with, list some practical ways you can continue

to see to it "that no root of bitterness springs up, causing trouble" (Hebrews 12:15).

• Are you more prone to care for others than to examine

and tend to your own spiritual needs? if so, how does this

manifest itself in your life?

Prayerful y consider: Who, if anyone, are the people you

harbor unforgiveness toward? How have you seen this

affect your life?

Grab your Bible and choose one passage to read and

study on forgiveness:

• Mark 11:25-26—making reconciled relationships a

regular part of our praying

• Matthew 6:14-15—how our forgiveness of others

relates to God's forgiveness of us

• Hebrews 12:14—the blessing that flows from pursuing

peace with everyone

On Bitterness:

• Ephesians 4:31—the only good thing to do with it is to

get rid of it

• Hebrews 12:15—what bitterness can do if it's not

pul ed up by the roots

• Proverbs 14:10—all we can ever expect from hanging

on to it

ALL CLEAR

I enjoy looking at book covers. In fact, since the arrival of

my children and the subsequent departure of most of my

reading time, I now find enjoyment in just walking

through the bookstore, scouring the shelves for artwork

that captures my attention.

One in particular has become a memorable favorite of

mine. It actually came in the mail one afternoon, sent

from a friend who'd authored the book and wanted me to

have one of the first copies. The moment I pul ed it from

the brown paper envelope, I was captivated.

The book is called Choosing Forgiveness, written by

Nancy Leigh DeMoss. And my penchant for good covers

really connected with her simple yet expressive design.

Directly above the title is a portion of a computer

keyboard—just a small grouping of common keys. You

can make out the blurred images of commands on each

one. Right in the middle, however, highlighted a bit more

than the rest, is one particular key. Clear, bold, and

vibrant. A very specific button.

The delete button.

Oh, I see. Not too hard to make the parallel. "Choosing

forgiveness" is a lot like pressing the delete key on our

computers, backspacing over the accidents and

unacceptable actions that have been written on the pages

of our lives. Forgiveness means making the decision to

move forward and create our next chapters without

having to incorporate the spoiled residue of the last ones.

Pressing the delete key is a choice—a conclusive, one-

time decision fol owed by an ongoing series of smaller

yet equally important daily decisions to continue

deleting, releasing the desire to hang on to what was

done.

Even right this moment, as I sit here writing to you with

my laptop centered on my legs, my fingers tapping the

raised keys in front of me, how grateful I am for this little

delete button just a short stretch away from my right

pinky. If I happen to make a mistake (which is all too

often the case) but I ignore the need to delete it, the

remainder of that paragraph wil be tied to the slipup.

The entirety of my work wil be marred by the glaring

error I've left in place. By not completing the deliberate

task of clearing it from the screen, I won't really be able

to express what I'd meant my words to say. Not deleting

it allows an incorrect occurrence to keep hanging

around and causing trouble.

So I urge you to just pocket this little analogy.

The delete key.

You know what I'm talking about. Forgiving it. Ending it.

And you know it's the right thing to do, even if it's the last

thing you feel like doing.

But as hard as it can be to erase the harm that someone

else has incorrectly typed into your life, some of the most

difficult deleting you'l ever be called on to make is

clearing the record of wrongs you've inflicted on

yourself. Even if you can legitimately forgive others, you

can't always seem to forgive yourself.

I was recently with a group of col ege-age women at a

conference hosted by The Impact Movement, a ministry

designed to reach out to African-American students on

university campuses. During a girls-only session, I

opened up the floor for questions and told the young

women to feel free to ask anything they'd like. A shy

young woman, her head hung down in personal disgust,

stood from her seat and asked a question as simple as it

was powerful: "How do you forgive yourself?"

Al the other girls in the room turned their gaze from her

to me, leaning in and listening intently, totally relating to

where her question was coming from, and dying for

someone to give them an answer.

Are you dying for somebody to give you one?

Maybe you chose an abortion years ago. Maybe you

caused an accident. Maybe you stirred up some

unintentional chaos. Maybe you missed an opportunity

that has cost you more money, heartache, and regret

than you even want to think about. Maybe you've done

any number of things that have made living

harmoniously with certain others a nearly impossible

task. You're reminded of it all the time. And you can't

seem to forgive yourself, just as this girl couldn't. Her

past mistakes were almost visibly swathed around her

shoulders, bearing down with the force of dead weight

only a past mistake can pack.

I answered her by telling her the same thing I want to

share with you: the capacity to forgive yourself is

personally impossible. You can't do it. Nobody can. But

there's no need to be dismayed or defeated over this

because absolutely no place in Scripture are we told that

this is something we're supposed to do.

Hear that again: the Bible doesn't tell us to forgive

ourselves.

Now I understand that guilt is an emotion that can crop

up out of nowhere. Pushing the feeling aside, after

repenting of the actions or inactions that first put it there,

requires a deliberate, cognizant act of faith. You must

intentionally declare your heart and mind restored and

refreshed even when you feel such deep regret. But you

have no responsibility—or even capability, for that

matter—to forgive yourself.

Here's the reality that you and I are instructed to rest in. .

Everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God's glorious

standard. Yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares

that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus

when he freed us from the penalty for our sins. For God

presented Jesus as the sacrifice for sin. People are made

right with God when they believe that Jesus sacrificed his

life, shedding his blood. This sacrifice shows that God

was being fair when he held back and did not punish

those who sinned in times past, for he was looking ahead

and including them in what he would do in this present

time. God did this to demonstrate his righteousness, for

he himself is fair and just, and he declares sinners to

be right in his sight when they believe in Jesus. (Romans

3:23-26 NLT)

Bottom line: forgiveness of your sins is something that

Christ suffered a terrifying death to give you. And His

work was so complete, He is thereby able to promise and

declare to you and me, "I wil forgive their wrongdoing

and never again remember their sin" (Jeremiah 31:34).

He has pressed the delete key over every sin you've ever

committed. And He Himself—your ultimate ruler and

judge—chooses never to recall your misdeeds to mind

again, not with the intent of punishing you for them.

So why should you?

Actually, when you think about it, to say, "I can't forgive

myself" means you don't ful y believe that what He did

was quite enough, that in some strange way His

forgiveness of you is inadequate. This is the arrogant,

hubristic tendency of fallen humanity, refusing to accept

that His gift was and stil is enough.

But, yes, it is.

And, yes, it must be. For no human forgiveness is strong

enough—not even your own—to ever free you from the

torturous reminder of your offense and the cloak of guilt

it lays on your shoulders. Even if you were somehow able

to find it and apply it, it wouldn't be enough. Only

through a gracious acceptance of the gift extended to

you through Christ Jesus wil you ever really be free—

free from the bondage, free from its hold, free to see that

your Savior Himself pressed the delete button for your

sins when He..

•

Walked the road to Calvary.

•

Felt the crown of thorns pressed onto His head.

•

Took the beating.

•

Al owed the sword's piercing.

•

Flinched against the nails puncturing His hands

and feet. Hung on Golgotha's tree.

That's when you received all the forgiveness you'l ever

need. When He cried, "It is finished!" (John 19:30), it was done. Once and for all. He pressed the delete button on

all your transgressions. Every one of them.

Even that one.

Al that's left for you now is to accept this for the glorious

fact that it legitimately and eternally is. In doing this, you

have forgiven yourself.

You've done well not to let pride downgrade your sin in

your own eyes so that you think it's hardly deserving of a

slap on the wrist. But seeing clearly the depth of your

failure and iniquity, you must let your "godly grief"

produce "a repentance not to be regretted" (2 Corinthians 7:10).

On your knees, with hands outstretched, resolve to

receive forgiveness.

His forgiveness.

Click. Delete.

• Describe in your own words the differences and

connections between forgiving yourself and receiving

God's forgiveness.

• Choose one past action that you've held against yourself,

and then prayerful y consider the Lord's payment for this

sin. Choose to receive it for yourself.

NO MORE CIRCLES

A young woman e-mailed our ministry yesterday. And in

the throes of her letter, she told me an odd fact that had

led her to a profound observation. Her sister, it seemed,

owned a retired circus pony. But even though his days of

working the circuit were now over, this little pony did

nothing but wander in circles all day. Here he was, in a

newfound place of freedom, ful y able to range and

explore and experience all that his new life had to offer.

Yet his old life stil haunted him. Defined him. Restrained

him. Control ed him. He kept to the same pattern to

which he'd been relegated for so long. He apparently

didn't know how to operate any other way.

This is the burden of unforgiveness. This is its legacy. It

sits on you, weighing you down, restricting you from

enjoying the new spaces and phases and freedoms that

each season of life brings you. It fits you with blinders,

keeping you from seeing anything other than the offense

done against you, making it hard to view anything else in

your life except through its lens. Unforgiveness forces

you to stay one-dimensional, thinly sliced, unable to

experience the joys that only exist on the periphery.

Instead it keeps you narrowly relegated to the artificial

boundaries created by yesterday's disappointments—a

circle of mundane living that's far less than the abundant

life you were created for.

I'm not judging you for this, OK? I know. I understand. If

we were sitting together right now, I'd be crying right

alongside you. What's happened is bad. Terrible. In many

ways—in every natural sense—unforgiveable. Perhaps

it's stil going on, in fact. You've tried to forgive. You've

thought you were there. But then here it comes again—

another betrayal, another broken promise, another blow

to your fragile trust—and as a result, deeper hurt. Closed

loops. Tighter circles. The memories are always near the

surface.

I know. I know. Believe me, I know.

But as a wise, older mentor of mine once told me, "The

entirety of your life is made up of two percentages. Ten

percent is what happens to you. Ninety percent is how

you react to what happens." Sure, we wish we could

control everything and redo much of what's gone on. But

the reality is, we can't change it now. In many cases we

couldn't have done anything about it when it did happen,

even if we'd wanted to. Some of these things may have

occurred when you were so young you had no voice or

strength to refuse. And without simplifying or

minimizing the staggering effects of those tragic offenses,

the truth remains that these events and circumstances—

the actual moments when they occurred—make up only

a small portion or percentage of your life. The much

larger portion, the part that really defines the person

you're becoming and the life you ultimately create, is the

space where you've tried (and stil try) to grapple and

deal with what's happened.

It's into this 90 percent space that forgiveness falls.

So, again, while not pretending to be a counselor, and not

able in this small chapter to discuss everything the Bible

says about forgiveness—and certainly not implying that

this equates to flipping a switch at 6:30 and enjoying a

nice coffee at 6:45—I'm just here to tell you the truth.

I want your abundant life back. No more circles.

Please, God, no more circles.

Forgiveness is reached through a combination of several

actions.

Tint, refuse to store up and harbor a grudge. Make an

active decision not to hold a debt over someone else's

head or to keep an ongoing record of their wrongdoing.

Choose instead to release them of that liability, and then

trust God—who knows every detail of everything that's

happened—to work on your behalf and bring healing to

your heart, even if not a clean resolution to the problem

or a restoration of relationship. Forgiveness means

releasing into His hands the person, the circumstance,

and the outcome. Al of it.

That's the way He did it with us, right?

He forgave all our sins. He canceled the record of the

charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the

cross. (Colossians 2:13-14 NLT)

This is the framework of forgiveness we are to fol ow—

releasing others from the very real charges we've stacked

up against them and freeing them from the debt,

whether they've admitted their mistake or not. Learning

to discipline yourself not to harbor resentment or

continue building your case against them in your mind is

a difficult but necessary activity in any victorious

Christian's life. Making this resolution wil not only affect

the health of your current relationships but wil also

prepare you to have more stable ones in the future.

If a wife expects to find joy in marriage, she must be able

to quickly forgive her husband when he upsets her. If a

mother expects to enjoy her children, she must rapidly

release any hurt they inflict upon her, not letting it settle

inside and fester into resentment. If a daughter expects to

fulfil the biblical requirement to honor her parents, she

must write off any debt she feels owed as a result of her

parents' failings. If a friend expects to relate with any

depth and vulnerability toward another, she must not

feel entitled to her well-dusted col ection of cataloged

offenses. If we want to keep any of these relationships

healthy, we must unshackle them from the built-up

resentment over issues from the past or even issues from

last night.

Truly a wounded heart cannot open up either to ful y

love or receive love. And one who harbors her wounds as

some kind of protection against further wounds only

tightens the hard places in her heart that keep her locked

in circles, never escaping what's happened, stuck in her

predictable ruts and reactions.

So I'm urging you to make this first decision. To clear the

decks and stop keeping count.

And here's how you'l know you're doing it. If someone

does something today that causes you to be angry—

which wil keep happening sometimes, even after you

make this resolution—and you immediately begin

rehearsing everything they did yesterday and the day

before, you'l know you're stil living in unforgiveness. If

what this person has just done becomes the cherry on top

of a cake you've been baking for days, weeks, and years,

you'l know that you stil have a tendency to store up

offenses.

But as you start releasing them from your debt—and

releasing yourself from the burden of carrying it around

and keeping up with it—your treatment of them wil no

longer have their past continually reflected in it. You'l be

free. You'l deal in the present. You'l feel like a new

person. The air around you won't have that choked, acrid

sourness about it.

Your circles wil grow wider. Your experiences wil take

you to more rewarding, more refreshing places. Right

away. More each day.

Second, you must leave room for God to act on your

behalf. It's quite natural to feel as though forgiveness lets

the other person just get away with it. You're stil the

victim, and they're stil the oblivious, unpenalized

offender. You're especial y likely to feel this if you never

hear this other person express any regret for their

actions, or if their lame attempt at an apology is more

like a self-justification, trying to shroud you in as much

or more blame as themselves. Their pitiful way of saying

"sorry" only reveals how they obviously stil don't get it.

Yes, repentance is an important, necessary step on their

part if they're ever to experience freedom from what

they've done. That's why Jesus could say, "If your brother

sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. And if he

sins against you seven times in a day, and comes back to

you seven times, saying, 'I repent,' you must forgive him"

(Luke 17:3-4). Their acknowledgment of wrong is

expected and crucial.

But if they don't, or can't, or won't admit to the harm

they've caused you, it's not your job to ensure they get

what's coming to them. By giving them your forgiveness,

you leave it up to God to deal with them. And deal with

them, He wil —in His own way, in His own timing, much

better and more thoroughly than you ever could.

Refuse the urge to retaliate. Trust that He wil do your

fighting for you. Believe that He wil serve your best

interests in the circumstances at hand as you stay humble

and at peace before Him. By choosing not to fil in every

margin with your own well-thought-out plans for

restitution, you choose instead to "leave room for God's

wrath" (Romans 12:19 NIV).

Finally, you must -pray. It is imperative that you ask the

Lord to empower you to forgive. You can't do this in your

own strength. You shouldn't expect to. To release others

from the debt they owe requires supernatural resources,

strengthening, and encouragement. Pray for it. Pray for

all of it. And He wil respond.

Forgiveness is a miracle. It really is. It's a supernatural

outworking of God's Spirit through you, enabling you to

extend something you could never do apart from His

indwelling activity. He alone can compel a grieving

mother to forgive her child's kil er, or a betrayed friend

to forgive an act of emotional disregard and cruelty, or a

deceived wife to welcome back the one with whom she

exchanged those first vows.

Only one power, one invisible force, one miracle can

clear away the eroding il ness that robs you of peace and

love and the enjoyment of life. Only one substance is

heavy and blanketing enough to douse the raging fire of

resentment that burns away your joy, the flames that

have left behind nothing but scraps and soot and the

ashy remnants of what your life could have been.

Only God can alter your pattern, quicken your step,

expand your reach . . and get you out of those circles.

Again—and again and again—by no means am I

suggesting that these steps are simple or easy to do. I'm

only proposing, by the authority of God's Word, that it is

worth it. Being a woman resolved to forgive can save

your friendships, rescue your marriage, restore your

relationship, rebuild your life, refurbish your business,

reestablish your work, and help you regain your very

self, allowing you to live freely. Lovingly. With joy.

This is the mission of the resolution at hand. This is its

purpose, seeing to it "that no one falls short of the grace

of God and that no root of bitterness springs up, causing

trouble and by it, defiling many" (Hebrews 12:15). It is

designed to rescue you, while bringing with it the added

by-product of extending the impact of your grace

toward those you love.

Just as the Lord has forgiven you,

so you must also forgive.

(Colossians 3:13)

This is your offering. Extending forgiveness. Just as He

has so wonderful y, abundantly, and outlandishly poured

it out on you.

Now I'm certain this is not the first thing you've ever read

or the first message you've ever heard on the topic of

forgiveness. I'm ful y aware that this theme and need are

as ancient as the Bible itself. There's nothing innovative

or particularly bril iant about what I've shared—no

formerly unknown secret, no 1-2-3 formula for

unlocking yourself from a prison of bitterness.

You've known all this. But what have you done with it?

Have you resolved to be forgiven, as well as to forgive?

Taking the steps to do it makes all the difference.

Therein lies the secret you've possibly been waiting to

discover— the promised opportunity to change the

geometry of your life from endless circles into the best

shape your heart has ever been in.

• Circle the step that's most difficult for you in forgiving

someone else, and then consider why that's the case:

•

refusing to store up and harbor a grudge

•

leaving room for God to act on your behalf

•

praying, asking the Lord to give you a desire to

forgive

• Think of the names you wrote at the first of this section

—people you are holding grudges against. Ask the Lord

to empower you to forgive them. Then replace the

underlined phrase with each person's name, "forgiving

one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ"

(Ephesians 4:32).

• To be fair and complete, is there anyone you need to

request forgiveness from? As the Scripture says, "if you

are offering your gift on the altar, and there you

remember that your brother has something against you,

leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be

reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer

your gift" (Matthew 5:23-24) . . even your gift of

forgiveness.

• As you move forward to sign this resolution, remember

that this should only be the beginning—the initiation of a

journey that may take time and counsel to complete. Be

wil ing to seek the necessary help to ful y experience the

benefits that forgiveness is designed to give.

MY FORGIVENESS

I wil forgive those who have wronged me

and reconcile with those I have wronged.

___________________________________

MY

INTEGRITY

A RESOLUTION TO LIVE WITH THE HIGHEST

STANDARDS OF VIRTUE AND PURITY

STRUCTURAL SOUNDNESS

Blessed are those whose way is blameless.

(Psalm 119:1 NASB)

In preparing to write a book like this—one that covers a

wide range of different topics—it seemed necessary to

involve other women in the process. So I mailed copies of

all these resolution points to a selected group of my

friends—women from different age groups, ethnic

backgrounds, and current life situations—to prayerful y

consider each of these statements and how they intersect

with reality. And overwhelmingly, this particular

resolution dealing with integrity and personal purity

struck some of the deepest chords in women's hearts,

challenging and convicting them in a way that truly

resonated.

I wil not tolerate evil influences even in the

most justifiable form, in myself or my home. .

Even in the most justifiable form. That's the phrase that

sort of cut beneath the skin. Caused a noticeable flinch.

Involuntary. Ouch. Most women don't have trouble

avoiding (or at least recognizing the problem with) the

conspicuously evil things, the outright no-no's. It's those

undercover, low-key matters, the ones that cloak

themselves in the guise of entertainment—those are the

ones that hook us. They're unobtrusive. Quiet. Too

comfortable and familiar, really, to be asked to leave. Just

there. Justifiable.

Yet when seen in the stark black-and-white of a

resolution list like this, they strangely lose their cover

and camouflage. Many of the women running their

finger along the page suddenly found themselves

yanking it back, as if brushing against a hot iron. The

burn in their fingertips matched with an eerie chil of

conviction down their backs. Seemed like a good time to

put these papers away or at least move on to something

less painful, less penetrating.

No doubt, this point of resolution calls for an intimate,

personal, introspective look at what's going on in our

hearts and homes. It touches on some of those allowances

we make behind closed doors, in the quiet of our dens

and living rooms, where laziness and leniency have been

known to hang around after dinner and stay up into the

wee hours. That's why, honestly, it often requires a

resolution like this before we recognize that these things

we've been sanctioning with our time and attention are a

glaring contradiction of who we are and what we say we

believe.

Once the shock wore off, my group of friends and I

agreed. With our lives standing exposed beneath the

spotlight of this resolution, out came a parade of

confessions about the television shows we've watched,

the novels we've lost ourselves in, the magazines that

have laced our coffee tables, the music we've pumped

through our headphones and car speakers.

Wil ing to dig a little deeper, one sister awoke to the fact

that the fun, friendly connection she was maintaining

with an old flame was carrying an undercurrent of

emotional infidelity and potential disaster. Another came

clean about a stash of wine she deceptively kept in the

back of a hallway closet and frequently pul ed out to

overindulge in when no one else was around.

No big deal? Easily justifiable?

But each of these whispered cases of compromise was, on

varying levels, dul ing and muting the spiritual senses of

every woman who admitted to them. Even if just a little

bit, these choices were enough to cause a nudge of

conscience. If ignored and allowed, they represented

even more-—a deliberate refusal to grant God access to

this area of life, to this two-hour time slot, to this

understandable indulgence.

What starts with a sliver becomes a river.

Obviously a lot of the lifestyle choices exhibited and

lauded on this show or in that book are things we would

never agree with in person, activities we would never

engage in. And while it would be legalistic and

impersonal to tell people exactly what types of shows

they should or shouldn't watch, exactly what kinds of

movies and books they should or shouldn't like, we all

know the difference between valuing honest discourse

and being entertained by sin. We know when we're not

just observing the grittiness of real-life issues but are

finding it personally provocative, enjoyable, almost

(almost?) desirable. Instead of being repulsed by certain

behaviors and grieved at the lies being foisted on our

generation, we find ourselves more accepting of them,

wil ing to watch and laugh, considering them suitable

viewing with a side of popcorn.

And what does that make us but the hypocrites we never

wanted to be. Discouraging one thing in public while

finding it addictively exciting in private.

This speaks to the essence of integrity.

Integrity means being the same underneath as we are on

the outside. Unimpaired, whole, and sound. It's what the

engineer is intent on achieving by designing a bridge

that not only looks like it can handle the traffic flowing

across it but is architecturally able to support the weight

of it, day after day, year after year. Structural integrity.

That's what we're after.

And that's why this resolution is not for the flippant and

faint of heart.

You don't just slap something together, basing your

design on whatever feels good at the moment, building

with whatever materials are readily available. Those who

are careful about structural integrity build with the

long-term goal of being blameless before God and others,

not just on lightly traveled Sundays but at peak hours, all

week long.

This is serious.

I don't mind admitting, sister, this resolution has caused

me to step back and look again at my own life. Don't feel

like you're the only one whose toes are feeling stepped on

here. I, too, want to be a woman of distinction, marked by

God's Spirit. I desire to be the wife, mother, and woman

God created me to become. I want my spiritual ears clear

to hear His voice, my spiritual eyes unblurred to His

presence. I want to be here to receive the peace His

presence can bring to my home. I want to experience His

power pulsating through our family and ministry.

But I know this type of practical, day-to-day blessing wil

never coexist with some of the lewd, lascivious nonsense

that's spouted from today's most popular channels,

reading materials, and media portals. I must realize, as

the mother of evangelist John Wesley is said to have

written to her son:

Whatever weakens your reason, impairs the

tenderness of your conscience, obscures your

sense of God, or takes off the relish of spiritual

things—in short, whatever increases the strength

and authority of your body over your mind— that

thing is sin to you, however innocent it maybe in

itself.

So we must decide—you must decide . .

Which do we want more?

God's best, or our personal favorites?

Maybe this was the type of bare-bones, bottom-line

question that drove King David to resolve so seriously

about living a life of integrity:

I wil be careful to live a blameless life—when wil

you come to help me? I wil lead a life of integrity in

my own home. I wil refuse to look at anything vile

and vulgar. . I wil have nothing to do with them.

(Psalm 101:2-3 NLT)

This was not the norm for the kings of ancient nations.

Powerful and highly unaccountable, these monarchs felt

free to live as they pleased anywhere they went,

especially within the confines of their personal living

quarters. Unchecked. Unbridled. No one had the right to

tell them what to do. King David, however, wanted to be

different, and he expressed several of the commitments

he employed to help him achieve his goal—ones that we

can make as well.

1. Have no tolerance for evil. "I wil refuse to look at

anything vile and vulgar," he wrote (v. 3). He was

unwil ing for anything that went against the standards

and statutes of God to be paraded before him as

entertainment. He promised not to engage in any activity

that could slowly, progressively cause him to be

desensitized to sin.

2. Closely monitor the type of people you allow to

influence you. "I hate all who deal crookedly; I wil have

nothing to do with them. I wil reject perverse ideas and

stay away from every evil" (w. 3-4). No one who was

slanderous, proud, or lacking in integrity would be able

to live in close relationship with him. He was not about

to let their poor character and counsel become a loud,

persistent voice in his head or discourage him from the

upright path.

3. Recognize your need for divine help. "I wil be careful

to live a blameless life—when wil you come to help me?"

(v. 2). David knew he could never keep the demands of

this resolution in his own strength. Only with God's

empowerment and encouragement did he stand a chance

against the enemy's wiles and his own fleshly tendencies.

Never expect that you can recalibrate the frequency

settings on your life without lots and lots of God's help,

grace, and shepherding. He wil be sure to alert you to

changes that need to be made and then wil eagerly

empower you to carry them out.

These are extreme resolutions, but truth be told, I don't

think I've ever met a woman of godly, admirable

character—one who in my moments of clearest, most

serious thinking I longed to pattern my life after—who

was not a person of extreme action and resolutions.

Those who enjoy the extra measure of God's blessing and

favor, who truly navigate their lives well, are those who

discipline themselves in ways that many of us would

consider borderline ridiculous. But like David, they've

found it necessary to be as extreme in one direction as

the culture has chosen to be in the other.

Honestly, I'm not meaning to thrust a cloak of guilt

around your shoulders or to legalistically stamp out

every freedom God has given you to enjoy in life. Not

everything that bothers one believer is necessarily

forbidden for all. Just because some wouldn't consider it

"good" doesn't mean it's worthy of being "slandered"

(Romans 14:16). But as you consider your own structural

soundness, would you say it's able to bear the weight of

your Christian profession? Would it hold up if some of

your fellow church members arrived at your door

unannounced?

Are you who you claim to be?

If this has been an ongoing question and dilemma for

you, as it is for most of us—for all of us at one time or

another—then do this: commit to being sensitive and

responsive to any conviction the Spirit may be

impressing on your heart right now in regard to a

particular pursuit, decision, or activity. Listen to His

promptings. Don't ignore His leadings. Be wil ing to

change your temporary wants for His much better

alternatives as He directs you that way through His

personal knowledge of you and what He wants to

accomplish in you. His goal is not to steal your fun but to

position you as a clean, pure, available recipient of His

best, most fulfil ing blessings.

By His power you can resolve.

By His strength you can walk blamelessly.

By His might you can expect to be a woman who

pursues in the dark what she proclaims in the

light.

• In light of what John Wesley's mother wrote to him

(page 149), what do you participate in right now that..

• weakens your reason.

• impairs the tenderness of your conscience.

• obscures your sense of God.

• takes the relish off spiritual things.

THE THREE PERCENT

DIFFERENCE

Be on your guard, so that your minds are not dul ed.

(Luke 21:34)

Rat poison.

I've never really paid much attention to it.. until today,

when I found out from a friend that most varieties are

made up of 97 percent food and only three percent

poison. These products lure those nasty rodents by the

smell and taste of something they actually like, a

delectable treat that feels good going down. But along

with a tasty meal, they also ingest trace amounts of fatal

toxins that are enough to end their reign of trash-

induced terror. Rats die (and aren't we glad they do)

because of a small thread of poison laced within an

enticing serving of food.

Three percent.

Couldn't this also describe the way our virtue is stolen?

Our integrity compromised? Our hearts hardened? Our

spirits desensitized to the things of the Lord? Lured in by

something seemingly harmless—an enjoyable form of

entertainment, the camaraderie of an initially innocent

relationship—but then. .

Poison.

Strategically hidden, craftily disguised. Underneath the

surface, just below radar. We lick our lips and go about

our business, thinking that everything's going fine. It may

take days, maybe weeks, before we begin to notice. But

eventually our spiritual organs start to fail. Our passion

quells. Our sensitivity and discernment wane. We lose

our gag reflex.

We're dying a slow death.

Three percent at a time.

You've seen this in other people too. Perhaps a celebrity,

sports star, or political figure, obviously not meaning to

destroy their lives and careers, but who chased a

particular pleasure or experience and ended up in the

crosshairs of the national tabloid camera. Exposed, laid

bare, melting in the spotlight of unwanted attention and

unintended consequences, they're a picture of the

damage that three little percentage points can inflict.

You're shocked they'd do this, that they'd throw their

lives away for so little.

But is this something the enemy is doing with you? What

has he cleverly used to seduce you into a web woven too

tightly for you to escape, just the way he designed it?

Where has he hidden even the smallest dots and deposits

of poison, undetected until you suddenly realize the

terminal effect it's having on you?

Even on the ones you love.

I'l never forget sitting down to watch the season

premiere of a television series I had really enjoyed and

kept up with during its opening run the year before. I'd

been pleasantly surprised at how clean and uncorrupted

it was, and I'd eagerly waited for the second season to

begin in the fall. On the night it was set to debut, I sat my

three-year-old on the sofa beside me. Settled in. Clicked

it on. Just in time to catch the preview highlights, ready

to be enthralled. But in less than fifteen seconds, the

screen lit up with a raucous sexual scene that took me

completely by surprise. Frantically, I snatched at the

remote, fumbled for the right button to change the

channel. But it was too late. That split-second image had

been seared into my little boy's eyes and mind. How

could I have let that happen. . to him?

Now let me say that even when we're trying as hard as

we can, our kids or even we can hear things, see things,

and be exposed to things that we wish they hadn't.

Certainly when we're not being diligent in the integrity

department, of course, we make it that much easier for

the window of pol uting possibilities to swing open. Once

it's done, however—whether by the logical consequences

of our actions or by pure accident—we can't undo

everything. But we can and should pray that God in His

mercy and favor would thwart the Enemy from turning

these moments of weakness into the makings of a

stronghold in their lives. We can boldly ask that any

potential, long-term harm and confusion be covered by

Christ's blood and dissolved before it takes root and

becomes any kind of hindrance to them. Thankful y,

Christ's power can cover that.

Yet the fact that something like this can so easily happen

is one reason I think Paul went to such lengths to tell us

that "among you there must not be even a hint of sexual

immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed,

because these are improper for God's holy people"

(Ephesians 5:3 NIV). Even a slight, indirect glance. Even a

trace or suggestion. Even that much is too much for God's

people— we who have been made holy through His

deliberate act of grace, and who bear the responsibility to

protect the tender hearts and minds of those we dearly

love.

Three percent is where it starts.

Who knows where it might lead?

And while the first part of Paul's admonishment speaks of

"sexual immorality"—a spiritual poison that permeated

the culture in which Paul lived—his use of the catchall

phrase "any kind of impurity" broadens the scope to all the other pol uting activities that need to be completely

foreign to the believer's lifestyle. These, he says, have no

place in our lives. None. He knew what "even a hint"

could do. "A little yeast," he once said, "leavens the whole lump of dough" (Galatians 5:9).

So if you're serious about this, Em going to suggest that

you do more than just make this promise to God and to

yourself. Make it to (and with) others as well. Because try

as we might to wage our own integrity battles, this kind

of living requires accountability. It just does. In a culture

saturated with opportunities to be swayed in opposition

to purity, the woman resolved to integrity must be girded

about with other sisters who are walking with her,

holding her accountable to a holy standard.

I am grateful to the Lord for giving me friendships that

provide this accountability framework and network for

me. Several of us women enjoy getting together to share

one another's lives. We talk. We ask questions. We laugh.

We cry. We don't just commiserate. We hold ourselves

and one another up to the counsel of God's Word.

On occasion, when we've gone to see a movie, even while

sitting there thoroughly supplied with Coke and

popcorn, one of us has grown uncomfortable with the

direction the film is taking. Caught in a wave of

conviction, sometimes I've been the one who's needed to

slip out for a while. Sometimes we've all come to the

same conclusion and left as a pack in mid-reel. I don't

know how to thank God enough for friends who don't

make me feel embarrassed for being spiritually sensitive,

who provide me a place where my resolution to live pure

before Him is never under pressure, never a point of

ridicule, never ganged up against. Our wil ingness to

support one another helps us remain strong in our

promises.

We need this.

We can't make it without this.

Because it doesn't take a lot of poison to take us down.

Three percent is all it takes. Three percent can kil .

But by spreading it out among a whole group of us who

are constantly helping each other whittle that 3 percent

down to 2, to 1, til it's not "even a hint," we're able to stand strong to our feet again. By living our lives openly

before others, we women—both single and married—

allow ourselves to be searched and known by another

who has our best interest in mind, someone who has a

nose for spotting poison. If you don't have an

accountability relationship like this, make it a matter of

prayer. I believe the Lord wil honor your desire and wil

answer your request. He wants you blessed and pure and

peaceful y enjoying a life that is ful y pleasing and

honoring to Him.

That's the kind of life that's safe for you, safe for the

whole family.

I'm 103 percent sure of it.

• Is there an area of your life that you'd he embarrassed

or ashamed for others to find out about?

• How would a deeper, more vulnerable, more

comprehensive type of accountability be of use to you in

maintaining a high level of integrity? What would that

look like, and would you be wil ing to submit to it?

FROM STRENGTH

TO STRENGTH

There's a gorgeous piece of property behind a neighbor's

house where my boys and I love to play Thankful y, my

friend never minds us showing up and helping ourselves.

The thick brush and wide, tall trees seem to close it off

from intruders. But my boys are crafty and inquisitive.

They've found a hidden pathway just up the perimeter

that gets us around the daunting tree line. Entering at

this narrow, weathered trail, we can lose ourselves in the

curvy adventure of this wooded wonderland, embarking

on another timbered escapade. We soon turn into

explorers—building forts, ducking under fallen

branches, and hiding from hostile enemies in little coves.

This trail eventually winds around to a small, dry creek

bed that doubles as the perfect place for many of our

imaginary story lines to develop. On one occasion, we

became particularly entertained by a large tree that had

fallen across the ravine. My kids considered this a

thril ing discovery. Each one of my sons, balancing

themselves careful y, took turns going across, laughing at

one another's bobbles and falls, then celebrating when

victory was finally achieved.

I sat down on a patch of dried leaves nearby, entertained.

Just watching. Didn't feel the need to get up on that thing

myself. But my children wouldn't let me off the hook that

easily. They began begging that I participate with them,

taking my own turn to balance myself on the log and go

from one side to the other.

I finally obliged.

When I first started out, I didn't think it would be that

difficult. I had been a bit of a gymnast as a kid, after all.

Surely I could walk a few feet on this wide tree trunk—

balance beam style—especially with the boys cheering

me on.

Everything was going great until I got about midway

across and started to hear a tiny cracking sound

underneath me. Uh-oh. It didn't take but a couple more

seconds before the entire log snapped into pieces and fell

crashing into the creek bed. My backside wasn't far

behind.

There on the ground, I sat completely stunned. It had all

happened so fast. Took me a moment to regain my

composure. But after clambering to my feet, dusting

myself off, and looking back at the splintered remains of

the tree trunk scattered along the ground, it was clear

what the problem had been. Despite the tough, thick

bark that made it appear so strong and secure on the

outside, this fallen log, now with its insides exposed,

showed just how rotten it was. Decay and deterioration

had set in over time, which was likely what had caused it

to col apse in the first place. When the boys walked

across it, their tiny bodies hadn't been enough to reveal

its weaknesses. But when I stepped onto it with an adult

weight, it couldn't bear up. There wasn't enough

resiliency on the inside to match its appearance on the

outside. Couldn't handle the pressure. Snap. It didn't

have..

Integrity.

Sooner or later, for all of us, the inevitable pressures of

life wil reveal the truth of what's inside. Sure, external

strength alone can be enough to handle some of the

simpler, less demanding situations, but when the stress

builds to a certain weight and downward force, when it's

more than our surface assets alone can carry, the person

lacking depth of integrity wil snap. Fall to pieces.

Implode. Then everyone can plainly see that underneath

the masquerade of strength was a hidden, interior life

infested with decay, unattended and uncared for.

And unfortunately, we see way too much of this. Both in

ourselves and in others.

But not in everyone. And when we come across a person

who defies this depressing trend, we should come closer

to observe. Look and learn.

Enter the prophet Daniel.

When he and his talented young friends, along with

around ten thousand other Hebrews, were captured by

King Nebuchadnezzar and hauled away to Babylon in

605 BC, they were threatened on numerous occasions to

change their lifestyle to suit the new surroundings, to

become something different from what they knew they'd

been commissioned to do as fol owers of Israel's God.

Their handlers, seeking to co-opt their skil s and

potential for nationalistic purposes, gave them

Babylonian names, trained them in Babylonian literature,

even sought to reorient their tastes by plying them with

Babylonian foods.

Yet even in this new reality, Daniel refused to

compromise his standards of holiness. And because no

one could help but notice the superior intellect God had

given him, including his ability to interpret dreams and

visions—surpassing that of even the king's most capable

wise men and appointed officials—Daniel was swiftly

promoted through the Babylonian ranks into positions of

royal influence and service.

Pretty heady stuff for a young Hebrew.

So when the Persian Empire gained control over Babylon,

toppling the power structure, Daniel was faced with the

prospect of losing his prestigious career and promising

outlook. Unless he wanted to risk the newfound stature

he'd grown accustomed to, this might be a good time to

make at least a few strategic, acceptable compromises

away from the values of his upbringing.

He didn't have to wait long for the chance. When a

jealous, conniving brood of officials sought to trap him

by convincing King Darius to sign a decree commanding

that everyone, for thirty days, direct their prayers and

petitions only to the king and to no other god—

punishable by death in the lions' den—Daniel had to

choose. He could lower his standards temporarily, for a

month. He could do his real praying in private, not out

where everybody else could see it. Lead a double life to

save his singular position.

But instead. .

When Daniel learned that the document had

been signed, he went into his house. The windows

in its upper room opened toward Jerusalem, and

three times a day he got down on his knees, prayed,

and gave thanks to his God, just as he had done before.

(Daniel 6:10)

He didn't change his standards to suit the new regime.

Didn't reformat his convictions to remain popular and

accepted.

Didn't hide his reverence to keep from being found out

by others.

Didn't alter his schedule to fold into the new dictates of

the king's decree.

Rather, he stayed sure and strong and steady. He

remained the same person behind closed doors (and

open windows) as he claimed to be on the other side.

Even when faced with the ultimate test—the extreme,

lip-smacking pressure of the lions' den—he didn't

crumble under the stress and strain. He was able to stand

courageous in the face of daunting circumstances

because he was "found innocent" before the Lord (v. 22).

His integrity saved him.

Kept those lions' mouths closed. Kept him intact, from

being torn to pieces. Kept him protected amid mounting

adversity.

And it sent a rippling message of the strength of Yahweh

throughout the entire land. King Darius was so shocked,

overwhelmed, and grateful for Daniel's veracity and

Yahweh's response to it that he issued a new decree,

recognizing Him as the only true and living God.

The tree trunk of integrity held strong across a ravine of

possible disaster. It made all the difference in Daniel's

life.

And it wil make the difference in yours.

• Resolving to be a woman of integrity is one of the best

gifts you can give yourself. It means you're free! No

longer living in fear of a secret life being "discovered" or

"found out." By signing and agreeing to this, you are

agreeing to line up your whole self with the person God

has already re-birthed and transformed you to be. You're

also opening yourself to become an influence and

example that wil draw others around you to

Christlikeness. So come on in. The living's good in here.

Much better than advertised.

MY INTEGRITY

I wil not tolerate evil influences even in the most

justifiable form, in myself or my home, but wil

embrace and encourage a life of purity.

____________________________________

MY

HEART

A RESOLUTION TO CARE

LOOK AGAIN

Why do You force me to look at injustice?

Why do You tolerate wrongdoing?

(Habakkuk 1:3)

I didn't want to see it. The images were too disturbing.

The towering HD-quality screen perched overhead

translated every single pixel of this devastating story into

a larger-than-life reality for me, as well as for the fifteen

thousand other women who were assembled there,

watching.

We were at a conference in Sydney, Australia, a

gathering held once a year and attended by women from

every corner of the globe. Olive-skinned Asians dressed

in bejeweled saris from India; fair-skinned blondes from

Denmark; dark-haired, exotic Russians; black, French-

speaking sisters from some obscure island I'd never even

heard of, all sharing the same space for this momentous

affair. The convention, one of the largest of its kind, is

intentional in its focus. It's not just a once-a-year

experience where you come, do the weekend, then don't

really think about it til next time. It has actually become

an ongoing, year-round sisterhood—a transglobal

connection of women seeking to serve Christ, pursue

justice, and change humanity through specific outreach

and ministries.

Frankly, this kind of meeting was new for me. The

majority of the conferences I attend are in the States, and

while they're always fil ed with great teaching and

amazing worship experiences, they don't normally have

a focus on humanitarian efforts. Being in the midst of

this type of event was opening my eyes in a whole new

way to issues the global community is facing.

And it was convicting.

Because who can deny that this kind of active mercy is

what Christ compels His church to do? And if so, why

wasn't I doing it? Why wasn't I using the platform the

Lord had given me to encourage women to look outside

the tight orbits of their own lives and pressing concerns

and see the grave suffering around them? Why wasn't

American Christianity—from the best I could tell— as

visibly broken by these gaping needs as believers from

other countries seemed to be, some of whose nations and

homelands are far less economically stable? These

women, far from wanting to come to a conference for

their personal edification alone, sensed a responsibility to

impact culture as a result—as a goal—of their time

together.

Some of the issues presented to us that day were ones I

already knew about at some level. And yet, ashamedly, I'd

always felt oddly removed and void of obligation to do

anything about them. Others of them, I had no idea

existed . . . like the one currently flashing across the

screen in front of me.

Pictures of women. Hard to look at. Tortured at the hands

of brainwashed child soldiers in Uganda. These hardened

kids under the supervision of the LRA (Lord's Resistance

Army) had been trained to commit some of the most

terrifying, heartless crimes and injustices you can

imagine, leaving women wounded and scarred for life,

barely able to function in the normal realms of society,

their facial features violently marred at the hands of a

renegade soldier's razor blade. Plastic surgeons, we were

told, were standing ready to help, wil ing to give of their

time, skil , and training. Al that was needed now were

the resources for travel and medical costs. And we were

being commissioned to help.

A steady chorus of gasps and sniffles resonated

throughout the vast arena as the video presentation

played. Tears streamed down our cheeks. We passed

tissues down the rows. So moved, so touched, so

traumatized. On more than one occasion, unable to bear

any more, I had to lower my gaze momentarily to escape

the visual assault.

This just couldn't be real! This kind of thing doesn't really

happen. To real people. To mothers and daughters. In

their own land. Does it?

When they showed the same clip a second weekend

(when the conference is repeated for another influx of

attendees), I'l admit—I sneaked out. I just couldn't do it

again. Didn't think I could handle another look at those

images that gave me such churning emotions, that made

me lose my appetite the rest of the day and then kept me

up at night nursing the horror of what I'd witnessed.

I didn't want to see.

I didn't want to look.

And maybe you don't want to look either. Perhaps, like

this particular issue, the pictures you see (but don't want

to see) are of some devastating reality that plagues

another part of the world or a faraway people group.

Your typical response is to change the channel or turn

the page, to look away from the bloated bellies, pol uted

water wells, impoverished squalor, and orphaned

children.

Or maybe what you'd rather not see is not a world away.

Quite possibly it's in your own backyard. Your own

neighborhood is showing signs of activity you were

certain you'd be able to avoid by moving here. Or

perhaps the current state of politics in your town is

leaning in a direction that you're certain wil lead to the

demise of bedrock values. Moral decay is creeping in, less

and less inconspicuously every moment. Escalating,

addictive behaviors are stealing the health and futures of

people young and old, people who can't seem to get out

of their own destructive way.

Whatever it is, the sight of it makes your stomach turn

into tightened knots. Your emotions can barely stand one

more minute of this reality—these scenes flashing before

you—a story you've noticed but have not really wanted

to think about, care about, or do anything about.

Until now.

Until this resolution.

For even though you can't be humanly responsible for

everything you see, and even though God would never

place the burden of the whole world on your shoulders,

He is placing this circumstance there. And in prayer He

may be saying to you that one small part of its solution is

staring you in the face when you step up to the bathroom

mirror in the morning.

Listen, I totally understand why you—why I—would

rather look away. I understand our tendency to feel like

somebody else wil surely take care of this. It's always

easier and more comfortable to pul back and disengage,

to find something more pleasant to dwell on. Much like

the biblical prophet Habakkuk, you and I can feel like

turning to the heavens when we see things happening

we don't want to see or know about, and ask, "Why do

you force me to look?" (1:3).

Seems like a God who loves us so fiercely wouldn't mind

giving us a break from all this. Seems like with all we're

required to shoulder in our own lives, with our own

schedule and all our demanding circumstances, He'd give

us a pass to look away, to ignore, to disregard. Right?

Then His answer to Habakkuk's question may surprise

you. For after forcing the prophet to sit back and watch

the suffering of his own beloved people, here's what God

said to him.

Look.. .' Observe! Be astonished! Wonder! Because I am

doing something in your days—you would not believe if

you were told. (v. 5 NASB)

In other words, seeing is believing.

If God didn't show you, your heart would not be moved.

If He simply told you what His plans were or how He was

going to use you to solve them, you wouldn't be able to

grasp the ful depth and height of the problem or what

the touch of His supernatural care, kindness, and wisdom

could accomplish through you. If He allowed you to turn

your face away and remain unaware of the situation,

you'd never know the outworking of compassion the

Spirit of God is inviting and empowering you to

experience.

So He's decided to show you—to let you see the chaos,

the devastation, the damage, the ruin, the waste, the loss

—preparing you to envision how stunning His work can

be, even through the likes of ordinary people like you

and me.

So don't stop looking. Don't turn your eyes away. What

you're seeing, He has orchestrated for you to see. In His

sovereign plan for your life, He is calling you, wooing

you, compelling you to get involved.

Light is brightest against the backdrop of darkness.

Diamonds are most bril iant against a backcloth of black

velvet.

Look. Again.

Until what takes your breath away is not the gravity of

the problem but the power of God to heal it—one touch,

one person at a time.

• What global or local devastations are you currently

seeing that stir compassion in your heart?

• What has kept you from doing something to help?

• What is one thing you can do and would be wil ing to

make time to do?

HOW DO YOU HEAL

AN UNBROKEN HEART?

When the video clip was over, no one moved.

Everyone, including me, sat glued to her seat, unable

quickly or easily to digest what we had just seen. The

conference host took a moment to col ect herself before

continuing on with the program.

It was indeed a moment.

I bet you know what I mean by that—one of those rare

glimpses of supernatural invitation when you just know

God's presence is hovering, inviting, impressing upon

you a sense of His specific call. We all knew for sure that

our hearts would never again be the same. How could

they? We couldn't be stirred this deeply and then just

move on with our lives as if nothing had happened. We

were sure—I was sure—that if we were truly concerned

with helping others get to heaven, we'd better be equally

concerned about the quality of their existence in the here

and now.

The days of my ministry being relegated to teaching from

a platform or writing books were over. That just wasn't

enough. If we weren't deliberately, purposeful y resolved

to help people in practical ways and encourage others to

do the same, we would be forever lopsided, guilty of

doing only half of what God's people have been called to

do.

I bowed my head before the Lord, unsure of what to say

to Him exactly. So I just asked—asked Him what He'd

have me do in response to this internal gnawing I sensed

from His Spirit. And before His answers could even begin

taking shape in my mind, the praise team took the stage,

their chorus ringing out as if preparing the way for His

response:

Break my heart for what breaks yours Everything I

am for your kingdom cause As I walk from earth

into eternity

There it was. The first hints of God's answer to me. I

needed a heart that was broken. Not just to allow it to

break but to ask Him to break it. I needed to be offended

and heartsick over the same things that touch the heart

of the Father. Instead of sticking to my normal line of

prayer requests, basically asking Him not to allow my

heart to be broken, I was to ask Him to shatter it—until

all that was left was that which made me fol ow Him in

the direction He wanted me to go.

So, yes, I was supposed to act. In what way I wasn't yet

sure. But before I could know, and before I could go, I

needed a broken heart.

Have you ever asked Him for that? Have you ever

considered that any disinterest you may feel in serving

and caring and getting your hands dirty might really be

because you've never set your heart before Him and

asked Him to break it, to make it more sensitive to the

ailments of others? Most often we're asking Him to heal

it, strengthen it, or restore it. But what kind of

supernatural power are we choosing to avoid

experiencing by not having a heart broken for the plights

of those around us?

Jesus had one. A broken heart.

Throughout the Scriptures we see the portrait of a Man

who didn't walk blindly down the dusty, ancient roads of

His day, bypassing human devastation and need without

a second glance. Rather, He paid close attention. He was

moved with compassion. He stopped to care for those

who were disenfranchised and distressed.

• When He saw the hungry, His heart was broken

(Matthew 15:32).

• When He saw the sick, His heart was broken (Matthew

14:14).

• When He saw the emotionally devastated, His heart was

broken (Luke 7:13; John 6:35).

• When He saw the lonely and spiritually lost, His heart

was broken (Matthew 9:36)

And when He wasn't extending compassion, He was

talking about compassion—telling stories, giving

reminders, pointing people in that direction. Showing

mercy toward others was an important part of the gospel

He came to offer. He didn't turn a blind eye to people's

physical needs in order to get to the "more important"

spiritual one.

You and I are to be women resolved to do the same. We

are part of the church—His church—God's answer for

the desperation of our time. If we only attend women's

conferences, read encouraging books, listen to sermons,

sing worship songs, and yet do little if anything to help

others in a tangible way, we relegate our demonstration

of His gospel to an impotent, watered-down, self-

absorbed exercise. And while I hope you do all these

things and benefit greatly from them, I also pray that you

sense a little dissatisfaction that causes you to seek

something more—something with an outward focus. He

saved you for many reasons, but one of them is so that

others can sense His compassion manifested toward them

through you. Not in words only. Definitely not in silence

and blank stares. But in deed. In action.

Jesus didn't just -preach a gospel; He lived one. And now

you are His hands and feet—hands that are for more

than writing personal checks, feet that are for more than

walking to church or to the mailbox so that someone else

can be resourced to go. Sending help is honorable. Do it.

People need it. But hiding beneath the cloak of giving

keeps you from experiencing the benefits of being the

helper God is commissioning you to be.

Right from your own home.

With your own personal resources.

Using the gifts of your own family.

Organizing the unique qualities of your own

friends.

When Jesus felt empathy toward others, it wasn't a

cliched emotion. It was a deep, gut-wrenching reaction

that, according to many commentators, would affect Him

physical y—the equivalent of having an uneasy stomach.

How did He choose to respond to that? He didn't go

home, hoping that a good nap would cause His sadness

and irritation to wear off. He took His broken heart as a

sign to do something, to act in accordance with the

Father's wil . He went. He served. He listened. He healed.

So. .

What tugs at your heart?

What causes your stomach to feel uneasy?

Again, it may be an issue affecting people on the other

side of the globe. Or it may be a situation involving some

neighbors across the street. It may require a long-term

commitment or just a couple of hours on one solitary

afternoon. It could be an older woman or a newborn

baby. Opportunities to serve others come in all shapes

and sizes—none more valuable than another. But when

you see the one that's yours to do something about, He

wil cause your heart to be stirred, drawn to an

individual and her need, drawn to a family and their

pain, drawn to a group of people and their challenges,

drawn to a country and their crises.

Take that as your cue to respond, like a woman resolved

to compassion.

You may be a person who's not normally moved or

emotionally stirred, who just doesn't usually respond that

way. And yet you can have the same thing Jesus had—a

divine compassion for that which breaks the heart of God

and tunes you into His purposes for you.

When your heart melts to the touch of searing realities

that others are facing, you're experiencing something

your sanctification is designed to achieve. You are being

changed into Christ's image. Breaking your heart. And in

being broken, being called to respond.

Yes, you can have it—a godly sympathy that leads to

action. You must have it. Because your world is waiting

to experience Christ through you. You are the solution

the problem is waiting for. This is why your heart is

hurting. This is why it's so hard for you to look. This is

the reason your tummy churns at the sight of it.

This is compassion.

So ask the Lord to break your heart, to reveal a need in all

its horrible actuality until He gives you the courage to

respond.

What is causing your heart to break?

This is your cue.

Do something.

• Perhaps you've been burned when trying to reach out

too drastically. People have taken advantage of you or

misunderstood your motives. But when you go to

minister Christ's love to another person, what is your real

reason for going? What's a better way to evaluate your

success than with measurable, feel-good results alone?

MERCY ME

I've been on a search my entire life. After accepting

Christ at an early age, and then growing in my

understanding through the years of what it meant to be a

Christian, I began to wonder what His wil for me was. I

knew He had a purpose, one that He hadn't just

concocted on the spur of the moment, one that He had

careful y crafted beforehand (Ephesians 2:10), before I

was even born. But I often felt like it eluded me, as

though it was always just out of reach and out of sight.

As a younger woman, when I was navigating which

subjects to study, which opportunities to accept, and

which direction to pursue, I regularly wished that God

would be more clear, more forthright, more plainly

obvious about what He wanted me to do at that

particular point in life.

Maybe you're wondering the same thing. In one area or

another, you feel like you're just meandering, weaving

aimlessly through your weeks and months, walking

around with a continuous question mark floating above

your head. You want to be in His wil , but you just aren't

clear what His wil is. And so you wait. And keep

waiting. Waiting for Him to make His wil known so you

can get busy doing it.

Admirable desire, my friend.

But what if the disclosure of His continued purposes for

your life is at least partly dependent on your obedience to

what He's already set before you? What if He wants to

see your level of faithfulness in responding to what you

do know before He fil s you in on what you don't? It's like

your child trying to get you to make plans for tomorrow

when he hasn't yet taken care of his responsibilities for

today. "We'l worry about later, young man, young lady,

once you've taken care of right now." Isn't that the way it

goes?

Well, maybe the same idea applies in God's revelation of

His wil to us. For, yes, while some of what He retains in

store for you and me is not yet known to us, some of it He

has clearly and explicitly expressed. Case in point:

He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what

does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to

love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

(Micah 6:8 NIV)

Doesn't get any clearer than that. "He has showed you."

Never again can you say that you don't know what He

"requires" of you, what His current wil is for your life.

Sure, there's much more to unfold, an array of details left

to discover. But this much you do know:

1. Do justice.

2. Love mercy.

3. Walk humbly with your God.

So, sister, I ask you . . are you doing that? Are you making

the deliberate and conscious resolution to respond to

what you absolutely know God has asked you to commit

to? There's no better time to make this resolution than

right this minute—to walk away with enough insight

about these three imperatives to be able to make some

practical decisions on how you're going to live them out.

Justice. When I read this portion of the verse, I'm

immediately struck by the verb that precedes it: "to act."

Some versions say, "to do." We normally think of "justice"

as some ethereal idea, an abstract thought. It's not so

much an "act" as just a thing. Justice. But in this case justice is an action, something to be manifested and

demonstrated. Maybe a quick look back at what Micah

had to say about Israel's il -natured activities wil help:

What sorrow awaits you who lie awake at

night, thinking up evil plans. You rise at dawn and

hurry to carry them out, simply because you have

the power to do so. When you want a piece of land,

you find a way to seize it. When you want someone's

house, you take it by fraud and violence. You cheat a

man of his property, stealing his family's inheritance.

(Micah 2:1-2 NLT)

A woman resolved to justice doesn't take advantage of

people, even if she has the means and opportunity to do

so. She determines instead to act rightly—to pursue a just

solution—to deliberately consider the best way people or

circumstances could be served in a particular situation,

even if (sometimes) at her own expense. I'm not saying

she's a pushover or easily fooled. She's just not looking to

get one over on people, working to swing things so that

she comes out the big winner. Her primary interest is

seeing justice done, seeking solutions that are fair,

reasonable, objective, and—most importantly—

expressive of the love of Christ.

Does this describe you? Do you have a pattern of trying

to take advantage of others, being more concerned about

covering yourself than caring what happens to somebody

else? Are you more committed to getting the best end of

the deal than making sure others are well cared for? Do

you fight for justice or just for yourself?

Mercy. The original word used here can easily be

translated "kindness." To "love mercy" means to have a hearty interest in doing things that bless and impact

others' lives. It means considering their needs above your

own, not because they necessarily deserve it but simply

because you "love" doing it for them.

This is what God's mercy looks like toward you and me.

Doesn't it? He has chosen not to give us what we deserve.

He has withheld rightful judgment and punishment,

choosing instead graciously to shower us with affection,

tenderness, and forgiveness. Like Christ, we should be

wil ing to do gracious things for others even when their

actions and past choices don't necessarily warrant it. Just

because.

Mercy, we know, comes with dozens of applications for

home, work, church—for every place your daily travels

take you. But perhaps nowhere is mercy more clearly

seen in your life than in the out-of-the-way places

where life doesn't take you unless you're deliberately

going there, places you have to be looking for to find.

This was descriptive of the well-known Proverbs 31

woman. "Her hands reach out to the poor, and she

extends her hands to the needy" (v. 20). Jesus later said it was indicative of any person whose relationship with

Him is pure and genuine. The way we relate to the

marginalized and helpless— the "least of these" (Matthew 25:31-46)—bears a direct correlation to our

commitment toward Christ Himself.

Using this kind of barometer, then, what would your

mercy quotient reveal about your relationship with God?

Are you always keeping records to determine what

people deserve from you? Do you only give what you feel

like they've earned the right to receive? Or are you

instead wil ing to give to those who don't ask, who aren't

exactly noticeable, or who could never pay you back?

This is what a woman who extends mercy looks like. It's

what you can look like.

Humility. Put the two together—justice and mercy—and

what do you get? A woman walking "humbly" with her

God. Putting the needs of others first. Correctly assessing

her own value. Not seeing herself too highly, of course,

but not too lowly either. Just pursuing the wil of God by

daily, faithful y trusting that what He's said and

commanded of her is worth her doing her very best. And

whenever He's ready to share more through the

application of His Word and the voice of His Spirit, she'l

be right there ready to receive it. And respond to it.

So with this much strength of character and ful ness of

life to experience, why have we so often chosen to

discount or ignore these written instructions from God

while stil searching frantically for "His wil for my life"?

Could it be that it messes with our sheltered, self-

absorbed, "American-dream" lifestyles? Are we

concerned that taking this resolution to heart might lead

to an uncomfortable change we aren't wil ing to make?

And yet this is at the heart of the gospel we claim to

believe. It is what "the Lord requires" of us. How, then, can we say that we want to be in God's wil if we

conveniently ignore this very clear part of it?

One author wrote about a time when he was convicted

by this. He was leisurely reading an essay in which the

writer was explaining "the process by which words lose

their meanings, and he casually offered that the best

example of this phenomenon was Christians: 'Christians,

he observed, seem to have the amazing ability to say the

most wonderful things without actually believing them.'

"What became more disturbing," the author continued,

"was his list of things that Christians actually say—like,

blessed are the poor and humble; it's better to give than

receive; judge not, lest you be judged; love your neighbor

as yourself, etc.—and examining, one by one, how

differently I would live my life if I actually believed such

things. As [the writer] concluded, 'The sayings of Christ

coexist passively in their minds, producing hardly any

effect beyond what is caused by mere listening to words

so amiable and bland.'"

How challenging! And how true.

If we really believe the gospel that Christ came to preach,

then we wil live like it—even if it means dealing with

the discomforts His commands may cause.

Maybe as you come upon the signing of this next

resolution, you're already aware of what the Spirit is

compelling you to do. Your heart is burning. Compassion

is rising up within you. You could put your finger on the

person or people He is asking you to show kindness

toward, to seek justice for.

The woman who lives under the overpass you see every

day on your way to work.

The neighbor whose soldier-husband recently came

home wounded from war. She's now a caregiver not only

for her three young daughters but also for her disabled

companion.

The teenager, pregnant for the second time, who's been

ostracized by her family and really needs a shoulder to

lean on.

Sure, it might require a significant investment of time,

energy, and resources to do it—gifts and extras you don't

feel like you can give. But if God births in you the

compassion to help, He wil also multiply in you the

means to handle it.

This should be cause for great excitement because your

commitment to obey God in this way could be the key

that unlocks the door, inviting Him to reveal His plans

for you in other areas and dimensions. This is your

opportunity to know His wil —imagine that: knowing

God's wil —then doing it without reservation.

That's a woman walking justly, merciful y, humbly with

her God.

• I think we've said enough, don't you? Now's your

chance to act on it. To put in writing what God has been

writing on your heart. You may not know exactly who

God wil call you to serve or how He wil supply the

resources to meet their need, but you are resolving to be

available. To keep your eyes and heart open—and ful of

justice, mercy, and compassion.

MY HEART

I wil pursue justice, love mercy, and

extend compassion toward others.

_______________________________

PART III

THIS IS WHAT

MATTERS TO ME.

FULFILLING

MY

HUSBAND

A RESOLUTION TO BE THE KIND OF

WOMAN WHO TRULY BLESSES HER MAN

MARRIAGE PROPOSAL

It was about five weeks before my wedding day, and I

was on cloud nine. With more festivities to attend, gifts to

unwrap, and a honeymoon to enjoy, my anticipation was

building with each passing day. So when a friend called

and asked if she could take me out for a prewedding

lunch, I enthusiastically agreed. I dressed up in a cute

little outfit and arrived with an empty stomach and a ful

heart. To celebrate.

But when I got there, I could tell the mood wasn't as

festive as I'd been expecting. Sure, we had fun. But I

knew that something else was on my friend's mind. She

hadn't extended this invitation just so we could talk

about flowers and bridesmaid dresses. She'd come with

something far more serious to discuss.

Fairly early in the meal, in fact, she looked up from her

ful plate and asked me this question that was pressing

on her mind: "Are you sure this is what you want to do?"

Huh? I was startled.

Now lest you get the wrong impression, let me assure you

that this friend of mine loved my fiance. They had

become great friends in the short time they'd known each

other, and she thought he'd be a wonderful husband for

me. She was also thoroughly convinced that Jerry and I

genuinely loved each other.

It's just that she . . was married.

And that can change the way "married" looks.

No longer blinded by the butterflies and wistful il usions

of romantic splendor, she had a much different take on

the subject than someone in my position might have. She

wasn't miserable, just realistic. She was stil enjoying a lot

of the things single women look forward to in marriage

and a husband. But there were also a lot of other things

—things that can creep up and surprise a new bride

quicker than she can dry-clean her wedding dress and

hang it back up properly in the closet.

Well, I didn't know exactly how to answer her. "Was I

sure this is what I wanted to do?" Of course, I was sure.

But before I could finish my first few stumbling attempts

at basical y saying yes, she asked me a second question:

"If he never does anything different, if he never changes

or becomes anyone other than the man he is right now,

can you love him, honor him, and commit yourself to

him for the rest of your life?"

What did she want from me?

She wanted me to hear the truth. She wanted to shoot

straight enough with me that when I eventually came

down from cloud nine, I'd land on square one. She

wanted me to see that marriage requires a ful

investment of myself to this union. I couldn't just say, "I

do" unless I "really did"—unless I wanted to make this partnership and this man my priority. I couldn't go into

marriage thinking only about how much he was going to

do for me. I also needed to think about how I would serve

him, esteem him, build him up, and honor him. Was I

ready to give the time and energy, the emotional effort

and attention that would be required to keep myself

contented and my husband satisfied even when I didn't

feel like it? Even when he didn't deserve it?

That's what her loaded question was looking to uncover.

And I wonder, if you're single, whether you think about

marriage in this light. I'm curious to know if you've

considered the selflessness that would be required of you

to fulfil your husband and assist him in accomplishing

the work God has put him on earth to do.

And I wonder, if you're married, what you've chosen to

do with the truth of what my friend was telling me five

weeks short of my wedding—the truth you've certainly

discovered numerous times, no matter how many years

you're already in.

But any woman resolving to fulfil her husband must

consider these mysterious (perhaps intolerable) facets

about him and understand that a major part of her role

in marriage wil be to value, support, honor, and

encourage him, even when it goes against every last

nerve impulse in her body. It's the gift you commit to

give him when you marry him—to provide a soft place

for him to fall when he feels discouraged by his own

faults and intimidated by the world's pressures. You are

committing to be for him even when you'd rather be

against him. You are determining to be faithful to him,

pledging to reserve physical and emotional intimacy only

for him.

And some of these things can be difficult. Perhaps in your

case, difficult may not come close to communicating the

struggles your husband has brought to your relationship.

Depending on what's happening or not happening in

your marriage, this may be the one resolution point that

makes you want to slam down this book and go find one

that's a little more in touch with reality.

I am not minimizing for one minute what you may be

going through right now by thinking that a few simple

chapters on what you can bring to your marriage wil

automatically solve everything you're facing. I am well

aware how daunting a challenge it might be for you to

take me up on this resolution when you could be married

to a man who's made none of his own. No way am I

pretending this is a piece of wedding cake.

But the fact remains, fulfil ing your spouse is an

admirable, biblical aspiration worth striving to achieve

no matter what state you may find yourself in today—

even if you're unhappy right now in your relationship

and may have even begun to seek satisfaction

in another person—even if you are single and hoping to

become a wife one day. You want to be fulfil ed, don't

you? You want your deepest needs met. Well, your

husband wants the same thing. No, he may not be

fulfil ing his side of the bargain at the moment. But

remember, this book is not about him. The reality is, you

cannot change him. But you can pinpoint some changes

in yourself, and then you can bring that new resolve to

your marriage. You can be faithful. That much you can

do.

I, like you, am on a journey—stil learning and growing

as I experience daily life with my own husband. And yet

observation and personal testimony are teaching me that

this resolution wil often result in good things for your

relationship. That's because spouses tend to live up to the

standard they see in those around them, as well as the

esteem they receive from their mate. So overlook what

you feel your husband deserves or has earned by his

behavior, and simply consider your own personal part in

light of this resolution and what it's asking you to commit

yourself to do.

You may not want to do it, but I'm asking you a question:

Wil you do it anyway? Not only for your own sake or

even your husband's but because doing so wil bring

honor and glory to the name of the Lord.

• What are some things you would say if you were

counseling a young woman on the eve of her wedding

day?

• Would you say you have accepted the responsibilities

marriage has required, or resisted them?

• List some of your husband's characteristics that you

wish would change but likely wil not. Now record the

way YOU can change to adapt to your husband's

characteristics if these attributes are never altered.

• Before reading further, record some of the facets of

your marriage you would like to see affected by this

resolution. Use this as a guideline for prayer and a

barometer for change in your relationship as you

incorporate into your marriage the principles we wil

discuss.

• Single woman, as you read these chapters, take the

opportunity to record your thoughts, questions, and

insights.

HOPES AND FEARS

This whole topic of fulfil ing your husband contains

more layers than you and I could ever hope to cover in-

depth in these few pages. Your husband could probably

tell you many things that would help him feel more

secure, loved, and fulfil ed, and I hope you'l take this

resolution as the perfect opportunity to ask him. He is

ful of emotional needs and (Lord knows) some physical

ones that you and I could spend hours talking about

together, but it wouldn't be nearly as beneficial and

specific as you and your man having that discussion. So

instead of even trying to cover this topic in ful , my hope

is that this resolution wil at least point you in the right

direction in one specific area-—one which, as it turns

out, has an enormous effect on your husband's feeling

fulfil ed and encouraged as a man.

(Single sister, you're smart to stay tuned and hang in

there with us. Trust me, you'l want to hear this too.)

Throughout the last several years, I've enjoyed the

distinct honor of sharing a speaker's stage with two

beloved authors and Bible teachers—Kay Arthur and

Beth Moore. And during one of our recent panel

discussions before thousands of women, Miss Kay

summarized a huge dose of marriage reality into so tight

a capsule that any of us could swallow it and keep it

down.

She said that men (husbands in particular) possess two

great fears:

• the fear of being found inadequate

• the fear of being control ed by a woman

. . . which lead them to the fol owing attitudes and

aspirations. Your man wants to be your hero. He wants to

feel like he is worthwhile to you and needed by you. He

desires more than anything to see a look of love and

admiration in your eyes. He wants to know that you

celebrate him, depend on him, feel privileged to be

married to him, and expect great things from him.

It's OK.

Take a deep breath.

Now promise me you'l keep reading.

Honestly, I can't know how this strikes you. I understand

from being a wife myself and talking with many of you

through e-mails and blog comments that our frustration

level with our spouses can run fairly high sometimes. In

some marriages the wife's anger and resentment of her

husband is off the charts. Now oftentimes hers is an

inappropriate, knee-jerk response to what is simply the

flawed humanity in her husband. However, I also

understand that in other cases it seems warranted. With

all he's done, you feel like his little wants and fears can

just go take a number. He's given you enough wants and

fears for the both of you.

So whether this subject sounds interesting and

enlightening to you as you try helping your husband

unearth the God-given potential you know is inside of

him or it sounds outright infuriating to you based on the

track record he's shown you so far, I believe it's

something we all need to hear. Because even though a lot

of things get brought inside the house and locked into

the carpet fibers of our marriage, we do neither our

husbands nor ourselves any favors by thinking those

stains are coming out on their own. This chapter—this

resolution—is our opportunity to get out the spray bottle

and the scrub brush and get to work doing something

that may just lift some of the deepest, most ground-in

dirt from our hearts and our marriage. And even if not

everything comes out and cleans up the way we'd hoped,

we'l be honoring the Lord by honoring His Word and

His purposes for our lives and for this vital relationship.

Let's see what these twin fears in our guys' lives have to

do with us and what wil happen if we try to alleviate

them.

His fear of inadequacy. Your husband is capable,

honorable, and worthy of your attention and admiration.

He desires to know more than anything that you trust

him, that you believe he has the wisdom and talent to

succeed. He is fulfil ed when he senses that, despite his

inadequacies, you see the possibilities and potential God

has given him as your provider and protector. He likes

knowing you're praying for him, rooting for him,

assuring him that he stil has what it takes to be the man

of your dreams. When he feels genuinely affirmed by

you, it makes him want to live up to your trust in most

cases. Then even when he falls short, it wil be apparent

that his desire was to meet your expectations. You'l see

in his eyes that he was trying to please you.

This alone should be some cause for your continued trust

and appreciation, as opposed to blanket disapproval

(which we are often notorious for offering). When he

starts to sense that all you ever think he can do is to be

sloppy, forgetful, unimaginative, irresponsible, weak,

indecisive, and clueless, he wil become less inclined and

motivated over time to prove you wrong. He knows you'l

only find something to be critical of anyway.

I know your man's not perfect. Not even close, you say?

He knows it too. He's not delusional. He knows he's

flawed, even if he's not quick to admit it out loud. But just

like you and me, he is not to be defined by his

imperfections. He has been divinely wired to be a leader,

father, and provider for your family. And the last thing

he needs or wants is a wife who doesn't believe it, who's

always correcting him, unwil ing to either recognize or

support these qualities in him.

A voice of support, confidence, and encouragement from

you is electric to him. It quells the continual struggle

against any sense of inadequacy that smolders inside of

him. When you pul him aside to pray for him, when you

tell him he's been on your mind, when he sees in your

eyes that you're proud of the man he's becoming, it's like

a shot of pure adrenaline to his system. It's the soft

warmth of security that comforts him from the ridicule

of a harsh world and the internal jeering of his own

insecurity. Sure, there are times for talking plainly and

honestly about things he needs to improve and watch out

for. But probably not right now in the heat of the

moment with that disappointment written all over his

face. And probably not until he already knows for sure

that your basic default is to love and take delight in him.

An overall demeanor of gratitude wil go a long way

whenever the occasional reality check is called for.

If you're like me, you have an inclination to be overly

critical of your husband's actions. But if your husband is

anything like mine (and I suspect he is), he bristles at

being corrected, criticized, and mothered by you. It

makes him feel belittled and insignificant. Beaten down

and discouraged. And even if you think that's the way he

ought to feel about himself after what he's done and not

done for you and your marriage, this sets a man up to be

even more damaging and destructive to his entire family.

It's not good for anybody.

Men, honestly, even with all their complexities, are really

very basic and uncomplicated. Our cutting, nagging

comments can wound them deeply, especially when the

disapproval builds up over time. What we think of as no

more than a little jab about a specific incident becomes a

stabbing wound that leaves a hole in their manhood. Yet

equally as powerful are our simple, honest, even offhand

compliments that can make our husbands feel like a

mil ion bucks. When we make it our business to remind

them of their position in Christ and the potential and

possibility that lies within them—not because we're

patronizing them but because we truly believe it—they

feel on top of the world. One man told me that a little

compliment his wife paid him one morning as he was

leaving for work caused him to have confidence in his

abilities all day at the office. It pays for us to choose

wisely what we say and how we choose to say it.

And . . to whom we say it.

Husbands have a way of detecting the mood of

conversations you're having with other women. He

knows if the sentiments you express when he isn't

around are complimentary or not. The conversations you

have with others must be careful y considered and

tempered with grace, even when you rightful y need to

be honest about your reality with someone who can offer

you godly advice. Your husband should never be

ashamed to enter a conversation you've already started or

be humiliated when he runs into a woman you've been

talking to. He should have confidence and trust that his

wife is esteeming him to others.

Again, this doesn't mean shielding him from being held

accountable for weaknesses in his character or any

faultiness in his thinking, especially those things that are

causing dangerous harm to your marriage and family;

but it does mean being sure the picture you paint of him

in public is uplifting and edifying. I'm remembering a

man telling me one time how good it was to know that

when he sees his wife talking and laughing with other

women, like at church or at a party, he knows—because

of his wife's promise to him (and his to her)—that she's

not running him down to somebody else.

Now perhaps your husband has consistently proven that

he's not worthy of your trust. He's been careless with

money, drawn to addictions, perhaps even unfaithful to

his marriage vows. The reason you can't ascribe high

value to his character, you say, is because he hasn't

shown you very much of it. And you're right— his

carelessness, laziness, or lack of integrity is not your

fault. You are not responsible for what he's done and is

doing, even if you've been less than careful about loving

him well and feeding his ego. But even you-—even now

—can resolve to affirm your husband and to promise

that your trust in him is not gone forever. It may need to

be reconstructed with the aid of outside help and

ongoing accountability, but he needs to know that your

heart's desire is to reestablish confidence in him.

So even in the most minor of baby steps, wil you begin

inching forward in your visible signs of trust and

affirmation toward him? Wil you allow him the new (or

at least long-forgotten) experience of walking into the

day with his wife's love and esteem trailing behind him?

Wil you look him in the eye and tell him you're not

devising a plan B, a fall-back arrangement in case he

doesn't ultimately pan out—that he is your one and only

plan A?

What would a man do differently if he knew he couldn't

lose his wife's love and respect, no matter what he did? I

don't pose this question breezily. I understand the serious

implications involved. I know why you may shudder at it.

But read it and ask it again. And consider. .

Would he feel so freed from responsibility and

consequence that he'd indulge his self-centeredness even

more than he already does? Or—and this is likely—

would the ironclad assurance of your support and

devotion inspire him to greater things than he's proven

capable of before, breakthroughs that would end up

benefiting both of you with richer blessing and depth of

relationship? Only one way to find out.

And now, to the second of his fears.

His fear of being control ed. We looked at the different

roles of men and women in our resolution regarding

biblical femininity. Males and females have equal value,

but we are not the same. Your standards and opinions

are different from his, perhaps in many areas of potential

contention. But that doesn't mean his way is necessarily

wrong. It's just different, though equally as crucial and

valuable to the successful outcome of the situation. If you

try to control him and force him into your way of

thinking, you wil break something that probably doesn't

need fixing, just understanding and valuing.

When your husband feels like he's being control ed, he

wil eventually shut down completely, relegating his role

of leadership to you, since "you seem to be doing such a

good job at it anyway." The result is a shadow of the man

you once knew and loved—a deflated, disinterested

slacker who makes few decisions and shows little

initiative. Then, in the vicious cycle created by this

marital dynamic, you become increasingly overwhelmed,

frustrated, and upset because you feel like you're bearing

the burden he should be carrying—when in actuality, it's

the very burden you snatched away from him because

you didn't like how he was doing it.

But if, on the other hand, he doesn't feel like he's being

bul ied out of his God-given position as the leader in the

home or held up to your overbearing, micromanaging

scrutiny, he'l not only be more likely to settle in to his

potential but also to seek your help and wil ingly

relinquish certain responsibilities that you're clearly

more equipped to handle. In other words, he won't mind

admitting that you're better than him in a particular

area. So some of the things you've been vying to claim

more control and influence over may come back to you

without a fight—as if it was his idea all along— once he

doesn't feel like he has no choice but to abdicate.

And you know what? This could also rebound to you in

the areas of intimacy and romance. A man who feels

control ed by his wife loses much of his desire for being

tender toward a woman who sounds, acts, and treats him

more like his mother. No wonder he doesn't look

dreamily into her eyes or spark romantic endeavors with

her the way he used to do when she just wanted to be his

sweetheart and allowed him to be her champion.

I've never seen a car whose engine started just because

the driver was sitting behind the wheel, demanding that

it move forward. Certain things need to happen before

she can get the car to go—key in the ignition,

maneuvered into the right gear, gently pressing on the

accelerator. Men aren't "turned on" by a demanding,

screaming wife who doesn't recognize their value and

significance but by wives who know the strategic steps

for getting them started. Control and intimacy are on

opposing, col ision courses that wil inevitably banish

passion to the long-term parking lot, eventually rusting

out, in need of major repair. Backing off your husband

helps him feel more confident, more fulfil ed. And the

result is a guy who loves being around you, enjoys long

talks with you, and remembers how to romance you.

Two fears. Fear of inadequacy and fear of being

control ed. You can do something about them both. In

fact, your husband wil never get over them without you.

But with you. . who knows?

You are the "suitable" helper (Genesis 2:18 NASB) the

Lord has given him to assist him in realizing that with

God's help he can be proficient, honorable, trustworthy,

and ful y capable of becoming the man God intends him

to be despite His fears.

My friend Raina is beautiful, outgoing, energetic, and ful

of life. She's involved in ministry, has a great home, fun

kids, and—best of all—a happy husband. Sure, they've

had their struggles through the years. Financial. Health

related. He hasn't always made good decisions; neither

has she. But take one look at them, and you can tell—

she's got a contented man.

After twenty-three years of marriage, they stil hold

hands. They go out on dates. He opens the car door for

her. They laugh with each other and enjoy their inside

jokes. I've seen him glance over at her through a crowd

and give her a little wink. I've watched them leave early

from a gathering or get-together so they can go home

and have what they call some "real fun" alone. They've

got the kind of marriage anyone would want.

When Jerry and I were out with the two of them recently,

I asked Raina's husband what the key was, why he was

stil so happy and so obviously in love. He said it hadn't

always been this way and that they stil had plenty of

personal struggles to contend with. But really, his

explanation was simple: "She lets me be her man. When I

see her relax because she's confident in my ability, or

when she surrenders a particular situation to my control,

showing me that she thinks I'm trustworthy, it makes me

feel secure in my manhood. In this relationship, I get to

be a man."

And there's nothing happier (or more attractive) than a

man who actually feels like one.

So, sister, it's your husband's turn. To feel like a man.

Start with the next twenty-four hours. Just one day.

Refuse to allow yourself to correct him, to offer any

unsolicited advice, or to criticize his choices. Go to the

restaurant he wants; let the kids wear the clothes he

picked out for them to put on; use the driving directions

he got online. I know it might take every ounce of

emotional restraint available in your measuring spoons,

but just keep looking out the passenger-side window and

pray for God to keep pouring in some more. And He wil .

He'l give you what it takes to be the kind of wife that

wins her man. You may not like the food, may not like

how your children look, may have to circle the block ten

times looking for the right address. But you wil have

won a great victory. Your husband won't feel belittled or

drained dry by your comments, suggestions, and

commands. He won't feel estranged and distant from you.

You'l be on the path to winning him back by making

him feel honored and respected.

And that feels good.

That's a smart girl he married.

• What does your husband do or say that shows signs of

these two fears in his life? After recording your answers,

consider what you do to contribute to them, as well as

what you could do to defuse them.

• How does soothing a husband's fears ultimately benefit

the wife?

• "A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman

tears it down with her own hands" (Proverbs 14:1 NLT).

What are some practical ways you can begin to "build

your house"?

• If your friends were to describe your husband, based

solely on your comments and conversations about him,

what would their depiction be?

NEED A LITTLE

PEACE AND QUIET

Thank you for sticking with me this long. I know this

book is not a beach novel. And I also know, even though

we've marched bravely through some courageous

subjects together, that this calling of being a wife is

perhaps the tallest order of all, no matter how lovely,

thoughtful, protective, and intentional your husband is.

We need help in this role. We need direction.

And like always, God's Word is the best place to get it.

Admittedly, when we open the Bible looking for specific

ways to handle personal situations in our marriage, we

may not always find the answers spelled out with step-

by-step clarity. That's a job for the Holy Spirit,

communicating to us through an ongoing dialogue of

Scripture and the wise help of godly people He's

equipped to walk with us through these types of

difficulties.

But the Word does contain big-picture truths that are

always instructive—direction that applies to all of us, in

every case. Peter's first letter is one place where we get a

huge hint at what loving and honoring our husbands is

supposed to look like:

Wives. . be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of

them do not believe the word, they may be won over

without words by the behavior of their wives, when they

see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty

should not come from outward adornment, such as

braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine

clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the

unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of

great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy

women of the past who put their hope in God used to

make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their

own husbands, (l Peter 3:1-5 NIV)

You know, it's easy to skip over Scripture passages when

they appear excerpted in a book like this, so be sure not

to let that happen. Read back over these choice words of

God slowly and deliberately. Go ahead, I'l wait..

Now I have to be honest with you. These verses have

upset me once or twice in my life. Reading this

description conjures up pictures of a woman from Little

House on the Prairie days, with her never-before-cut

hair coiled up in a bun on top of her head, her ankle-

length skirt hoisted over a thick, rustly petticoat. Nothing

wrong with that. It's just not me. And I thought it unfair

of God to expect me to fil that role. But "gentle and

quiet"? I'm a gregarious, boisterous extrovert. Can my

husband's heart only be won by a personality type God

didn't see fit to suit me with?

And yet this is God's Word we're dealing with. So

obviously He is trying to tell me something important,

something I need to understand. And if you—like me—

are a believer in Christ, with God's Spirit dwelling within

you, then He can be trusted to empower us to do this,

enabling us to accomplish something we cannot do with

our on-hand, natural resources.

Like being "gentle and quiet"—key ingredients to a happy marriage.

Gentle. In the Greek language of the Bible, this is the

word praus, meaning not to be overly impressed with

oneself, to be humble, considerate, and meek. Simply put,

we're being asked to be kind to our husbands—the same

way we want them to be kind to us.

Can you resolve to do that? Can you stop and think

before you blurt out another criticism, whether you're

communicating kindness to him? If not, would you be so

kind as to keep your inconsiderate opinion to yourself

and ask God to give you nicer things to say?

Don't just think of it as biting your tongue, however.

What are some ways you could proactively express

kindness toward your spouse? Is there something you

could do for him that would show your desire to think of

his needs above your own? He may not ask for it. He may

not expect it. He may not even deserve it in your opinion.

But what a difference it could make.

Perhaps you already make a habit of doing these types of

things. Good. You should be applauded for that. But let

me ask you a question I often ask myself: Do some of

these ways you try to show him kindness mean more to

you than they do to him? Maybe you could make a point

of watching him over the next week to find out what he

really likes—little things you may have overlooked—and

determine how you could make little changes that would

speak kindness to him in those areas. If you made it your

business to study him and really know him well, would

you find some better ways—ways that matter to him—to

express your kindness? This kind of intentionality would

show you're serious about being "gentle."

Let me just say, this concept has convicted me lately. For

example, I don't drink coffee, so I never really put much

thought into how to fix a cup for my husband "just the

way he likes it." But taking time to learn Jerry's coffee

preferences has meant a lot to him. It shows him that I

care, that I'm thinking about him. Simple, yet powerful. It

makes him feel prioritized and significant to me, and the

ripple effect of that feeling ultimately benefits me and

our marriage.

Another example comes from knowing that your

husband feels affirmed when you are enthusiastically

intimate with him. In her book For Women Only,

researcher Shaunti Feldhahn reports that 97 percent of

men say they want to feel desired and sought out by their

wives, not simply tolerated when they want to have sex.

Most likely your husband is one of these men. A wife that

is proactive—initiating intimacy in the bedroom—causes

her husband to feel loved, respected, admired, and

treasured.

So careful y consider your man. How can you proactively

communicate kindness to him?

Quiet. Again, of course, it comes from a Greek word—

hesychois. And much to my delight, it doesn't mean to be

silent, never uttering a word or offering an opinion. It

means to be well ordered, to lead a peaceable and

discreet life, thus lightening the task of the one in

authority. That last part is what really hits home—

lightening the load of your husband.

If we wil funnel our wifely behavior and responses

through this biblical filter, we wil intentionally become

more careful and circumspect. We'l try hard to see

things from our husband's perspective without just

running roughshod over him with our own stances,

viewpoints, and interpretations. We'l keep the larger,

longer-term goals of our marriage in mind instead of

getting bogged down in little ankle-biting skirmishes

over nothing. Rather than fighting to keep ourselves from

being overlooked or taken advantage of, we'l focus on

what would help him complete his tasks for our family

with more wisdom, vision, and clear thinking. We'l

attempt to make things easier instead of harder for him,

tempering our words and actions with peace and

discreetness, causing him to feel more confident because

he knows we're not here to tear him down but to build

him up.

Single sister, this is how you must approach marriage—

asking yourself how you can be a "load lifter" and a

"burden lightener" instead of a needy woman looking to

be served, coddled, and made content by her man.

That's some pretty tough talk, and you might give

yourself a pass to skip over it if you thought I'd made all

of this up. But I didn't. It's the ageless, venerated truth

from God's own word.

And it's worth it. Because in the end these two powerful

words— "gentle" and "quiet"—go together to spell something that keeps us looking attractive to our men

long after our outward appearance has lost much of its

sheen and sparkle. Peter calls it "unfading beauty," as opposed to "outward adornment." It's something your

husband wil stil be intrigued by and interested in for

years to come.

My mom used to tell me about this—this feminine

mystery— before I really had a true appreciation for it. I

couldn't quite understand how a woman could maintain

any type of mystique to a man she'd been living with for

so long, sharing the ins and outs of daily life. But she

knew something I'm only beginning to learn. What's

really alluring to a husband of ten, twenty, thirty, forty,

fifty years is the "unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet

spirit." That's the deep treasure that keeps the intrigue

burning and passionate. The reality is, we need a whole

lot more than physical radiance to stay beautiful over the

years.

According to Peter, this type of lifestyle has enough

power to transform a husband's eternal destiny, to win

him over to Christ without our having to say a word, just

by noticing the way we operate. If these behaviors of

ours have the capability of doing that, then surely they're

strong enough to deal with the day-to-day issues that

can cause our marriages such grief.

There's real power in gentleness and quietness.

So despite my original belief, this is not some antiquated

suggestion only fit for those who haven't yet advanced

into modern society. It's for everybody—even for stylish,

contemporary, high-heel wearing, technology using,

capable, Spirit-fil ed women who want their husbands

fulfil ed by the honor we give them.

It's for you. It's for me.

And done well, it's an honor.

• Begin this resolution by asking your husband what

honor looks like to him. What causes him to be

dishonored? You may be surprised by his answer.

Creatively consider one thing you can do to be

proactively kind, (if you're single, determine to meet with

a married couple whose relationship you admire, and ask

them what this looks like in their marriage. It's a wise

single woman who takes the opportunity to learn

these things now.) So with a prayerful, honest, hopeful

heart, sign this resolution into practice. Prepare to live it

for the good of your marriage and the glory of Christ.

FULFILLING MY HUSBAND

I wil be faithful to my husband and honor him in my

conduct and conversation in order to bring glory to the

name of the Lord. I wil aspire to be a suitable partner for

him to help him reach his God-given potential.

____________________________________

LOVING

MY

CHILDREN

A RESOLUTION TO TRAIN MY

KIDS IN RIGHTEOUSNESS

TRUE LOVE

The thought of having children typically conjures up

fantasies of cute little clothes, play dates, and quiet,

cooing moments in the dim light of their bedrooms. So it

can be a harsh reality for mothers— whether married or

single—to realize that their main priority as parents is

not to share laughs and Oreos with their kids but to

shepherd them. Her number-one job is to lead her

children with intentionality, guiding them toward

becoming men and women of distinction, fil ed with

integrity, girded with responsibility, and firmly rooted in

a love for and honor of God.

I can certainly attest to being caught off guard by this

reality. Becoming a mom was a thunderous shock to my

normally independent, spontaneous nature. With the

birth of our first son, I found myself hardly prepared for

the discipline of being organized and keeping a schedule

—necessary endeavors for any mom who hopes to retain

some sense of sanity. Suddenly my life was no longer my

own. My needs didn't come first anymore. Someone else's

interests now pul ed the primary spot.

And that was just with one child.

When I had my second son nineteen months later,

fol owed by our (surprise!) third son four years after that,

I became more and more aware of the incredible mixture

of responsibility and privilege involved in raising these

boys. In the midst of long, tiring days and frequently

even longer nights, seeing my efforts through the lens of

eternal ramifications began to change my perspective.

These little men, after all, are my chief way for

reproducing God's image on earth, proliferating the

agenda of the Father Himself through little human beings

who wil hopeful y become leaders of their own homes

one day.

So while there's nothing wrong (and everything right)

with playing on the floor and making homemade waffles

and snapping pictures of their first haircuts, we must

remember that our principal charge and mission as

parents is to send our boys and girls into the world as

young people who bear God's Spirit, who are purposeful

about His mission for their lives, and who are intent on

being His agent for change on the planet. They are like

"arrows . . in the hand of a mighty man" (Psalm 127:4

KJV)—sharpened, directed, and sent forth into the world

to accomplish the tasks for which they were divinely

created. This is your resolution as the mother. And it

won't just happen on its own.

But other things wil .

Since our children's normal proclivity leans in the

direction of their fleshly tendencies, it doesn't take much

for them to learn selfishness, to indulge in rebellion, and

to get sucked into the vacuum of disrespect and

disregard for others. Left to their own devices, they wil

inevitably succumb to the subtle (and not so subtle)

thrusts of the latest TV shows and cultural trends. But get

this. Are you ready?

Get. This.

You and I are the mechanisms God has put in place to

keep today's corrupting systems of thought from taking

root and then taking effect in the hearts of our children.

You are in position to intervene. You, sister, have been

placed specifically in your children's lives to make them

rebel against a culture that's telling them to rebel against

you.

And no matter how challenging you may find or have

found this endeavor to be—no matter how discouraged

this resolution may cause you to feel or how many years

you think you've already wasted—now is a good time to

start with your toddlers or teenagers, becoming in their

lives what God has placed you in this position to be. It

won't be easy, but it wil be worth it—not only for the

benefit of the kids you love so much but because you'l be

fulfil ing one of the purposes for which you were

created: to be the mother of these children, these

precious ones God has always known He'd be giving you.

It is among your highest, most primary callings.

And even if you're reading this before becoming a

mother—even if God may choose in His wise, good, and

sovereign plan to bestow you with other blessings besides

the experience of motherhood— there are stil some

valuable things to learn as a friend, a counselor, and a

key influencer in the lives of other children.

Now as with our last resolution, the topic of parenting is

so all consuming, we could read volumes on it and stil

be left with much that can only be learned through

personal experience. So I've purposeful y titled this

resolution "Loving My Children" in order to narrow

down our focus to this one particular theme.

Love.

How can this best be seen in a parent-child relationship?

Scripture teaches us that love is not passive; it is

demonstrative and active. "We must not love with word

or speech, but with truth and action" (i John 3:18). So the

first thing to know is that love in a biblical, godly sense is

expressed through visible actions. Second, it's intended to

serve the best interests of another by instil ing and

encouraging in them the practical experience of living in

God's truth.

When our primary goal as mothers is teaching our

children God's truth, the whole focus of our parenting

changes. We begin to filter every decision we make

through the question, Is this in my children's best

interest, and wil it help them grow into adults who

know God's truth and desire to live according to it? This

may not sound like love to your children, but it should

sound like love to you.

To your children, love means being given permission to

watch endless hours of television, to digest inordinate

amounts of ice cream, and to be relieved of most (if not

all) responsibility around the house and to the family. In

their shortsightedness they're unable to see and

understand what their "best interests" are, beyond a

specific moment of enjoyment. So a fair share of your

"actions" toward them wil not always translate as love to their minds. They may think your so-called love is

overbearing and unnecessarily restrictive.

And in all honesty, loving your kids in the way we've

defined it here wil often not even feel like love to you.

There wil be times when your requirement to be loving

wil go against the grain of every emotional fiber in your

being that longs to coddle and caress these sweet little

angels whose diapers you once changed in the glow of

the morning sun. Sometimes the greatest enemy to loving

our kids is . . . ourselves. Moms especially, I think. We so

easily allow our feelings to guide us instead of making

the tough, resilient decision to love our children with

wisdom, maturity, discernment, and discipline.

If we're going to love them as defined by Scripture, we

cannot ultimately aspire to their friendship. We're their

parents. And there's a difference in those roles. We are in

position to teach them how to live in a way pleasing to

God, a way that leads them toward becoming respectful,

responsible adults. Yes, ask the Lord to bless you with

their friendship on the other end of that, but this cannot

be your primary pursuit now.

So don't take this resolution lightly. Ask yourself, "Does

the way I'm raising my son or daughter reveal that I'm a

loving' mom, or just a mom 'in love' with my child—a

pushover who's easily swayed by their tears, tantrums,

and ever-changing mood swings?" If there's rarely

anything you do that doesn't feel like love—to them—

then you may have cause to wonder. If they like

everything you do and the way you do it, you may be a

mom in love with your child who needs to work on being

truly loving.

Because love is not child's play. It's serious business.

And our children need parents who are on the job.

• In light of a decision you are currently facing with your

child, what would differentiate a "loving" response from an "in love" one?

• In all honesty, which do you desire more. .

• to be your child's friend.

• to be your child's parent.

• How does this affect the way you parent?

• If you are not a parent, consider your own upbringing.

If your parents were overly indulgent, how did this affect

you? What if they were too strict?

THE SOUL SHAPER

Mothers must take on three roles if they're going to love

their children well: the soul shaper, the intentional

encourager, and the discipline dealer.

Let's consider the soul shaper first.

Ah, the human soul. A magnificent composite of mind,

wil , and emotions, as well as the seat of the conscience.

Every person is created by God with this part of their

makeup in place. The only problem—and it's a big one—

is that without the indwelling presence of God's Spirit,

the soul is completely degenerate, ruled by fleshly lusts

and totally separated from God.

In this state, conscience alone is unable to make

completely accurate judgments concerning right and

wrong, which leads the individual to live in a way that is

displeasing to God. He can't help it. None of us can. We

come into life with souls that are in desperate need of

being awakened and reprogrammed.

And only a personal relationship with Jesus Christ can do

it. He is the one and only hope for a lost soul.

Including your child's soul.

Yeah, I hate to break it to you like this, if you weren't

aware of it, but.. your child is lost. As sweet and beautiful

as our kids are, they are each born as sinners in need of

being rescued from themselves. And just like us—just

like everybody—Christ is the only One who can do

anything about it. He alone can. .

• keep their unruly minds from becoming the

enemy's stomping grounds.

• bend their wil until it wants to fol ow God's

ambitions for them.

• steady their runaway emotions before they get

our kids into all kinds of trouble.

• awaken their deadened conscience so it can be

led by God's Spirit when you're not around to tell

them the difference between right and wrong.

And because they need Jesus so desperately—both to

have relationship with God and for their soul to be

molded—you are the one who must consistently ask the

Lord to stir a desire for Him in their hearts, even from

birth. You are the one who keeps praying this prayer

even when they grow up and leave your home. You are

the one who has "no greater joy than this: to hear that my

children are walking in the truth" (3 John 4).

This makes you. . a soul shaper.

The soul shaper is stunningly aware that her prayers for

her child are significant and that once her child receives

salvation, she is God's primary tool to work alongside the

Holy Spirit to see that the transforming process occurs

effectively in her child's soul. Whether she is married or

raising her children alone, she knows she cannot

accomplish this alone, so she involves other entities like

her church and relatives to assist in the effort. But she

and (if she's married) her husband know that the main

responsibility is theirs. They don't allow anyone else to

take their place as the primary influencers in their

children's lives. Helping them know and become sensitive

to God's conviction, teaching them how to recognize His

way of directing them through their conscience—these

are things the soul shaper helps her kids discover little by

little, day by day.

And as they mature, she continues to work along with

God's Spirit to see that this shaping takes place. She

doesn't make her child-rearing decisions in reaction to

their tears and tantrums but expresses her love by

determining ahead of time what wil best complement

God's work in the shaping of their minds, wil , emotions,

and consciences. She sees herself as a partner with God

in His work, helping to steward His transforming process

in their lives. So she trains them by clearly defining and

demonstrating expectations, practicing these directives

into habits, and then executing consequences when her

loving rules are rejected.

When she's no longer surrounded by little noses, toes,

and voices, she stil sees herself as God's partner in this

effort, asking Him continually to clarify how she can be

used for His purposes in her grown children's lives. She

knows that her work is never really done.

Tall orders, huh?

And yet as a mother truly resolved to love her kids, the

soul shaper can do no less. She considers herself a

warrior, fighting for her family. She's not wil ing to sit

idly by while other people and cultural paradigms

tamper with her children's mind-sets, disrupting the

soul's transformation. She knows that if their minds are

ever to think and operate in a way that's pleasing to the

Father, they must hear and see much more of God's

righteousness than they do of the world's filth. So she

careful y, vigilantly considers how to make sure that one

always outweighs the other, control ing the kinds of

influences she allows to affect their lives.

This is her life's work, and she protects her investment at

all costs. She refuses to allow the pol utants of mindless

entertainment, vile suggestions, and godless teaching to

take center stage in her children's psyche. While she

realizes that she cannot completely shield her children

from everything, she does her best to counteract it and to

see it coming. She doesn't take the night off by sending

her "life's work" over to someone's home she barely

knows or letting them participate in an event where she's

not clear on the kind of activities or supervision that's

offered. She is concerned about every aspect of her

children's lives, and she takes this role with the utmost

seriousness.

She's not a perfect parent; she's just a woman who

believes that her parenting is kingdom business.

Additionally, the soul shaper isn't always on defense. She

works proactively to stand against her children's natural,

human tendencies and the world's continued influence.

That's why she resolves to be a woman of the Word. She

knows the importance of saturating her children in the

Scriptures, and she is creative and consistent in making

this happen. She is keenly aware that knowing and

learning the Word are not only paramount in helping

her succeed as a mother but in helping her children find

success in life as well.

So she diligently and deliberately reads the Bible to them.

She requires them to tuck God's Word away in their

hearts where she knows it wil keep them from

wandering from His commands (Psalm 119:10-11). Even

if her kids hate this process as much as they hate doing

their daily homework, she doesn't let up. Doesn't let a

little moaning, groaning, and pouting discourage her

from maintaining her leading role in shaping souls. She

knows this steady discipline wil cause their minds to be

transformed, their spirits renewed, their ears more easily

opened to the Spirit's voice as they grow into adulthood.

This leads her to post Scripture verses throughout the

house, where her kids wil pass by them on the way to

brushing their teeth or getting an apple from the fruit

basket. She wafts the Word through the air with worship

music while she's cooking and cleaning and catching up

on the laundry. She gathers with other believers in the

context of her local Bible-teaching church so her

children can see that her family is not alien and strange

to believe this stuff but is part of a whole family called

the body of Christ.

She is radical and militant.

Her stance is strong, her resolve sure.

She is a soul shaper—on mission to use these few, short

years she has with her children to help them conform

into the image of Christ.

Oh, and one more thing. The soul shaper knows that she

wil never have the strength to persist in this endeavor if

she herself is not on the same journey of transformation

that she's working so diligently to cultivate in her

children. If they are ever to know God (not just know

about Him), she must be a woman who expresses His joy,

loves His Word, and enjoys His company as much as she

tells them they should. She doesn't pound the "thou shalt

nots" into their heads without showing them through her

smile and lifestyle how much fun this adventure with

God can be. She realizes that nothing can speed her

children's spiritual growth faster than when they see the

proof of it in her own eyes. So she fol ows the clear

pattern of Deuteronomy 6:5-7, nurturing her own

relationship with God first, and then systematically

surrounding her children with evidence of His truth.

[You wil ] love the Lord your God with all your heart,

with all your soul, and with all your strength. These

words that I am giving you today are to be in your heart.

Repeat them to your children. Talk about them when you

sit in your house and when you walk along the road,

when you lie down and when you get up.

This is the soul shaper's inspiration. She knows that if she

first loves God with all her heart, soul, and strength, then

she can teach it to her children authentically and inspire

them to do the same.

This is our resolve, sister. To champion a new standard.

Resolving that from this day forward, and with God's

abundant help—which none of us can do a single thing

without—we wil guard the spiritual thermostat setting

in our home. Because that's how a mother loves her

children well.

And you can do it.

We can do it.

A transformed child starts with a transformed mom. And

she—I mean you, the soul shaper—lives to make sure

this transformation happens.

• What are some ways the soul shaver partners with God

defensively? Proactively?

• This question is for everyone, hut single mom, you

especially: Who are some people who can help walk

alongside you in this highly challenging resolution?

• Consider this: Amelia Hudson Boomhall, a woman of

the seventeenth century, was resolved to demonstrate

Christian living to her children. She said, "I made it a rule to take my children one at a time into my room and,

having been careful to see that they were comfortably

seated, I would say, 'I'm going to talk to Jesus! And then

before my child, I would pour out my soul to Him. Oh,

how precious are the memories of little pinafores lifted to

wipe my eyes, or the sound of sweet little voices saying,

'Don't cry, Mother.'"

• How can you creatively live your Christian life openly

before your children?

• If you are married and your spouse is not resolved to

take the helm of spiritual leadership in your home, do

not be discouraged and allow your children's spiritual

health to flounder. Respectful y ask him whether he'd

mind if you led devotions or encouraged Scripture

memory with your children. This way he doesn't feel as if

you've plowed ahead without him.

THE INTENTIONAL

ENCOURAGER

It's a classic Bible story. God appears to King Solomon

one night and tells him He'l give him anything he wants.

Just name it. But instead of asking for health and wealth

or prosperity and prestige, Solomon surprisingly asks for

wisdom, a request that meets not only with God's favor

but also with the promise of more "riches, wealth, and

glory" than any king before him or any king yet to come

would ever experience (2 Chronicles 1:7-12).

I'm amazed not only by Solomon's request but with this

fact: when he was presented with this incredible offer, he

was only twenty years old.

Two-zero.

I ask you: What twenty-year-old do you know who, if

given the kind of independence young King Solomon

had, would've handled this divine opportunity in so

mature and farsighted a way? Not many?

Me neither.

Al I can figure is that it must have had something to do

with the way Solomon was raised.

His father, King David, was the most respected man in all

of Israel, a person uniquely blessed by God and honored

by the people for his outstanding courage and leadership.

He wasn't perfect. Not by a long shot. He made some

colossal mistakes in both his personal life and his

parenting. But in order to rear such a sensible young

man as Solomon who could respond to God's offer so

careful y, David must have done some things right, as

well.

Maybe we get a clue into this during one of the last

occasions when we hear David speaking about his son.

Standing in the presence of a vast assembly of people

(including, most likely, Solomon himself), David

announced plans for Solomon to succeed him as king

and how he intended to make preparations for him. He

said. .

My son Solomon—God has chosen him alone

—is young and inexperienced,

(1 Chronicles 29:1)

It sounds strangely like a modern-day parent saying to

his mouthy, know-it-all teenager, "Listen, buddy, you

don't know everything'" David was open and honest

about his son's deficiencies, almost in a way that sounds

like a public slam or rebuke. So why did this not deflate

Solomon's spirit? Why did hearing his father call him out

for his youth and inexperience not make him feel

condemned and worthless? Why did it just make him all

the more eager and enthusiastic to become the wisest

king he could be?

I think some of it had to do with that middle phrase his

father spoke just as boldly as the last: "God has chosen

him alone." Even with Solomon's obvious weaknesses,

David affirmed what he saw the Lord doing in his life.

And he wasn't doing it just in private but before a vast

gathering of people. He was telling them plainly the

plans and preparation he was making right then for the

future tasks his son would undertake. He even

encouraged them—despite his son's failings—to assist in

providing large amounts of treasure and building

materials for the temple that Solomon would one day

build. David was calling his son to great things and

enlisting others to help. He was supporting him at great

sacrifice and proving that he had confidence in what his

boy was capable of doing and becoming, despite the

current outlook.

In other words, David believed in his son. And it made

Solomon want to live up to that expectation. He didn't

have any problem with his dad's being honest—about his

inexperience and all—because David peppered that

sentiment with a father's encouragement. As a result, he

raised a child sensible and shrewd enough to ask the

Lord for wisdom above every other delectable option on

the table.

David's example teaches us something powerful. To raise

children who are wise, focused, discerning, and

passionate about the things that really matter in life, you

and I need to be intentional encouragers. Like David.

Even when Solomon's gifts couldn't yet be clearly seen,

even when his talents had yet to be honed, even when his

leadership skil s were not yet intact, David encouraged

Solomon to see the potential in himself—and encouraged

others to see it in him too. Instead of belittling or

discouraging his son, David seemed to accept the

normalcy of this season in Solomon's life. Sure, he was

just a kid, prone to making the immature mistakes of the

inexperienced. But his father saw a king in him and told

everyone to prepare for his becoming one even though

his current choices and actions might seem contrary to

the notion.

That's the role of the intentional encourager.

And that's you.

The intentional encourager is honest with her kids. She

tells them what they need to hear, even when it's not

what they want to hear. She doesn't overlook their

immaturity, mistakes, and mishaps; but when she brings

these points up, there isn't a general air of disapproval

and low expectation. She chooses rather to temper her

honesty with the grace of edification and

encouragement. She goes to great lengths to protect her

children's spirits by making sure the overarching tone of

their relationship is one of approval. She doesn't try to

force her children to be more like somebody else—

especially more like one of their siblings. Even during

those seasons of their individual lives that she wishes

would hurry along more quickly than others, she resists

the urge to compare one's progress with another. She

seeks rather to focus on the unique gifts, talents, and

skil s God is patiently perfecting in that particular child,

doing everything possible to foster it, even when it's

different from what she expected or is developing more

slowly than she'd hoped.

She just knows God has purposes "prepared" for her

children to "walk in" (Ephesians 2:10), and He has

consecrated each kid—set them apart—to accomplish

those God-given purposes.

Eventually.

And so she fights not to become discouraged during

those periods of glaring immaturity and inexperience.

Even when staring their failures in the face, she remains

encouraged (and encouraging) while simultaneously

taking the necessary steps to get them back on track.

In so doing, she doesn't let herself deflate or listen to

those inner voices that say she's a terrible mother. She

chooses rather to try relaxing in this current stage of

their lives, reminding herself (as well as others who may

be starting to doubt it) that her children have been

chosen by God for specific purposes. She sees destiny in

them even when they're "young and inexperienced" and

does everything she can to edify and encourage those

traits that make them special while applying appropriate

guidance and correction. She never stops believing that

her diligent work as a mother now wil provide the

framework for her children's success later.

She's an encourager—an intentional encourager—who

expresses love to her children by not allowing them to

settle for immaturity or succumb to mediocrity. She

inspires excellence not by demanding that they meet the

arbitrary standards of others but that they rise to the

achievable challenge of their God-given purpose and

potential in every arena of life. She speaks highly of her

children to others and is not bashful about soliciting

positive, prayerful help in calling out the best in her kids.

She knows that she is to be their most honest confidant

and also their biggest cheerleader.

Like David, she believes in her children.

And who knows? This kind of intentional encouragement

might cause a twenty-year-old child of yours, who'd

normally be lost in the foolishness that most young adults

seem incapable of escaping, to turn his or her face

toward the heavens and say, "Lord, give me wisdom."

When they do, you can count on God to grant them what

they ask.

And more.

• Record some of the unique characteristics of each of

your children. How can you call these out for specific

encouragement?

• List some of the immature actions and temperaments in

them that might normally discourage you. Keep this list

in a place where you can always he reminded to pray

regarding them, and consider who you can enlist to

encourage your child in these areas.

• Careful y consider how you can make the overarching

tone of your relationship with your child one of

encouragement and approbation.

THE DISCIPLINE DEALER

Jerry and I recently met a successful businessman in his

mid-forties who's been married for twenty years and has

two teenage sons. Sitting in his office, listening to Bil talk

about his family, was captivating to me. He and his wife

have an immensely enjoyable relationship with their

boys, a fun-loving connection that makes spending time

together as a family the high spots of their week.

Intrigued by this all-too-rare relationship between

parents and their teenagers, I asked Bil what he

attributed it to. His answer was simple yet profound: "We

enjoy them so much now because we were serious about

training and instil ing discipline in our boys when they

were younger. We decided what kind of adults we

wanted them to be, then we trained them accordingly

and insisted that they comply with those expectations. It

wasn't easy, but it was worth it."

He went on to recount how guests visiting in their home

had always been stunned at the boys' wil ingness to set

the table before dinner or assist their mom in getting the

laundry gathered from all the hampers on washing day

without complaining. The respect with which these

brothers spoke, not only to other adults but also

to each other, clearly demonstrated the deeply ingrained

regard for others that existed in their home. The trust

they'd earned from their parents had long remained

intact because they'd been taught from the ground up the

importance of being responsible.

Bil wouldn't want you to think his kids are perfect.

They're not. Neither are their parents. They've certainly

had their difficulties as things have played out. But

there's no doubt these are responsible, considerate

individuals whose personalities have been purposeful y,

deliberately shaped by caring parents.

Loving parents.

Can't tell you how much this conversation encouraged

me. As our own boys quickly approach adolescence,

we've actually met a number of parents with teens

who've told us it's not nearly as bad as everyone says it

wil be. And while we've also met lots of others who don't

share the same outlook and conclusion, we've noticed

that those who've had (and are having) the most positive

experiences all seem to share a common characteristic.

They are discipline dealers.

These are parents, like Bil and his wife, who established

goals right from the start about the type of adults they

wanted to see their children mature into, then put a

specific plan of action in place to attain it. They never

considered their children too young, cute, and irresistible

to start early with implementing the discipline and

training this process would entail. As loving discipline

dealers, they've been careful, of course, not to "provoke

[their] children to anger" with inappropriate forms of

correction, but they've been seriously hands-on about

bringing them up "in the discipline and instruction of the

Lord" (Ephesians 6:4 NASB). They know that self-

discipline is only produced as the result of being lovingly

disciplined. So they've established clear expectations and

then created an environment in which their children

know the boundaries and ground rules, know how to live

inside them, and what's sure to happen if they don't

comply—the immediate reinforcement of consistent,

age-appropriate consequences. These parents don't

threaten consequences and then fail to carry them out.

Their standards are clear and dependable.

That's love.

I remember reading a book, before I had kids, that talked

about how even one-year-olds are able to respond to

expectations and discipline. I remember thinking how

unreasonable it seemed to expect that much from a

young toddler. But I also remember being surprised a few

years later when my two-year-old actually did start

saying "please" and "thank you" and picking up his own toys and putting his sippy cup in the sink instead of

leaving it on the kitchen table. When I showed him what

to do and spent some time training him how to do it, I

couldn't believe it—even little ones can learn how to

behave, based on what they're taught and what they see

exemplified. I haven't done it perfectly, but I am trying to

do it purposeful y.

It just makes sense, doesn't it? We can't expect our

children to become what we don't train them to be and

reinforce in their lives. And what goes for manners and

sippy cups applies to larger life lessons as well.

If we want them to he responsible, we must train them to

be responsible with their chores, homework, and

personal duties, if we want them to be considerate, we

must enforce the manners we expect them to use with

siblings and friends, if we want them to respect and

submit to authority, we must make it start with how they

treat us as their parents, while also letting them see us

demonstrate this same principle ourselves in our home,

our work, our church life, and other areas.

The discipline dealer creates a mission statement for her

children that she keeps at the forefront of her mind as

she rears them. If boys, her statement might include a

focus not only on responsibility and consideration of

others but also on learning how to show respect for

women, preparing them to fil well their future role as

leaders in their homes. If girls, her statement might

address such themes as excellence, initiative, and

responsiveness to others' needs, as well as fostering in

them an appreciation for modesty. Based on these

statements, the discipline dealer can careful y,

methodically spend these years doing what is required

for these practices to become a regular routine in her

children's lives.

One couple we know, who are raising five children,

included in their mission statement a deep desire to teach

their kids to honor others by encouraging them to go

beyond their normal responsibilities to inconspicuously

do kind things for one another. In order to accomplish

this, they frequently ask their children how they can

strategically honor one of their siblings—perhaps by

making their bed for them, or cleaning their plate from

the table instead of just taking away their own.

They're also intent on teaching responsibility. So these

discipline dealers resist the naturally parental urge to

repeatedly rescue or resolve every little problem their

children are facing. When someone forgets to take his

lunch with him, Mom doesn't automatically race to the

school with sack in hand. When someone lets a

homework deadline slip up on her, Mom and Dad clearly

remind but sometimes allow the child to suffer the

consequences of waiting til the last minute. If the kids

break a window after being clearly told not to play with

that ball in the house, they can expect to pay for at least a

portion of the repair with their own money. These

parents want their children to know that many of the

things they enjoy simply as a result of being their

children are not rights but privileges. And in order to

maintain them, they must learn not to take them for

granted. If they do, they lose the privilege.

They are discipline dealers—intent on seeing their

mission of raising responsible, considerate, respectful

young men and women come to fruition.

One single mom, who just sent her oldest daughter off to

col ege, is a pro at creative, consistent, discipline dealing.

When her teenager wasn't doing a good job keeping her

room clean—and had the nerve to claim that this was

her prerogative since the room was "hers"— she took the bedroom door off the hinges. So much for that "right" of privacy a teenage girl reveres! It was the worst possible

punishment her daughter could imagine. But it got her to

clean her room. And it made her take a big step in the

direction this mother envisioned for her as a growing

adult—respectful, grateful, and responsible.

Yes, being a discipline dealer requires time and effort

(and sometimes a power dril ). It wil often be

inconvenient and uncomfortable and a real blow to your

reputation around the house. But the discipline dealer is

wil ing to do it because her highest priority is to rear

children who are responsible, respectful, compassionate,

considerate, humble, selfless, generous, and gracious.

People who are a joy to be around. It's ultimately the best

way—the only true way—to win the hearts of your

children.

• When you sign your name to this resolution, don't feel

burdened to be perfect. Rather, resolve to express biblical

love to your children, and then consider this a starting

point on that journey. Craft a mission statement for your

children, and then implement small things that wil point

them in that direction. This is a resolve to see in your

children the potential for true spiritual greatness and to

care enough to give them what they need to achieve it.

To love them. To really, really love them.

LOVING MY CHILDREN

I wil demonstrate to my children how to love God

with all their hearts, minds, and strength, and wil

train them to respect authority and live responsibly.

_______________________________________

LIVING

WITH

GRACE

A RESOLUTION TO MAKE MY

HOME A WELCOME PLACE TO BE

GRACE

He was a struggling salesman, rising early each morning

to go from one proverbial closed door to another,

attempting to sel a variety of products made by the

company he worked for. The days were long and

exhausting, and he often had little to show for his efforts

—certainly not from lack of trying, just from lack of

takers.

His young, redheaded wife had been only eighteen when

they married. And as their family grew, she spent the

better part of each day trying to figure out how to make

their small living quarters an enjoyable, satisfactory

space, given the difficulties of their financial strain. Yet

the day came when the strain turned into the kind that

can make a girl want to give up—when she went to flip a

light switch, and no lights came on. Thinking it was only

a mishap in the electrical system, she went to another

light source. Again, nothing. Another, nothing.

Throughout the house she flipped switches— nothing—

confirming what she already knew but didn't want to

believe. Their electricity bil hadn't been paid.

Worse yet, it couldn't be.

So for the remainder of the day, she did the best she

could to take care of her household responsibilities. Even

as the lengthening shadows of late afternoon slowly

shrouded the kitchen in dim light, she prepared a

makeshift dinner, then set it out with care and dignity on

their darkened dining room table. A flashlight search

uncovered some half-used candles, which she lit to

create an elaborate place setting. The scene was

gorgeous.

When her husband arrived, tired and road weary, he

found her and the children seated at the table, smiling

and waiting to have dinner with him. They enjoyed their

candlelit meal. Had good conversation together. The

children especially loved the unique touch of candles at

dinner. Thought it was fun. Their home was ful of peace

and serenity despite the circumstances—circumstances

the children didn't even know about.

Neither did her husband.

He went straight from the table and col apsed exhausted

into bed, beside which she'd lit more candles. She never

said a word. It wasn't until the next day, when he arose to

get ready for work, that he realized there were no lights.

Putting the mental pieces together, he realized what his

wife had done—how she'd preserved his dignity, how

she'd opted for peace and beauty rather than friction and

discord in response to the inconvenience.

He walked past the bed one more time on his way out the

door that morning, just long enough to brush the red

wisps of hair from her cheek and whisper, "Thank you,"

into her ear. Whether she heard or not, he didn't know

But he was too grateful to let the opportunity pass him

by. Grateful to be sharing a home—sharing a life—with

a woman committed to being gracious, promoting peace,

overlooking shortcomings, providing an environment in

which her family could flourish, even when living in less

than desirable circumstances.

And at their fiftieth wedding anniversary, adult children

and grandchildren standing at their side, this was the

moment he recounted when asked to share his favorite

memory from their life together.

This is the picture of a woman living with grace.

Whether you are married or single, your home is holy

ground. And you are a holy attendant, bestowed with the

responsibility and privilege of creating an atmosphere in

which the essence of God's grace, freely extended to you,

can be felt and sensed through the grace you freely

extend to others. Your home is the place where you

cultivate a peace to be enjoyed by the others who live

there and by all who enter its doors.

Does that sound like a long shot to you? With all the

chores to be accomplished, the stresses to be dealt with,

the arguments to referee, the disorder to navigate?

Maybe in your estimation your home is the last place

where you think peace can ever really hang out.

And yet you are the person on whom it often hinges. We

as women hold the primary controls to the mood, spirit,

and quality of life within our homes. It's not about

infusing more beautiful decor, more careful

organization, better furniture, or updated appliances.

(Many people have all these things and stil no peace.) It's

about recognizing your power to change the spiritual

climate of your home based on your Holy Spirit-enabled

resolve to be a woman who exudes a simple yet

wonderful y poignant attribute …

Grace.

This was the advice I received from Rhoda, a pastor's wife

ten years my senior, whom I'd known since I was a

teenager. As we were just talking one day about our

homes and families, she leaned over to me and said,

"Priscil a, peace wil be experienced in your home to the

extent that grace is extended there. So dispense grace

whenever you can."

Dispense grace.

Grace, by definition, is "favor or kindness expressed to

the undeserving." It means giving someone a break when

it's the last thing they deserve to get. And it is precisely

what was given to us by God Himself when He extended

to us salvation from our sins, despite the fact that we

were dreadful y sinful.

For the law was given through Moses, grace

and truth came through Jesus Christ.

(John 1:17)

Before Christ the Mosaic law was the standard by which

God's people were to live—a list of rules and regulations

that brought more guilt and shame every time they

couldn't be fol owed. But when Christ came, He removed

the people's fearful strain and bondage to a legalistic

laundry list of demands, replacing it instead with the soft,

wooing invitation to personal relationship with God

(what He had wanted from His people all along). By

meeting all the requirements of the law in Himself, Jesus

ensured that our hope and salvation were no longer

dependent on the way we tried to meet them. Instead of

constantly working for His approval, we were just

granted it. By simply believing in Him. Having faith in

Him. Accepting His gift.

His grace.

And as a result, His freedom.

When we, as recipients of God's grace—His "gift"

(Ephesians 2:8)—realize just how many bobbles and

blunders of ours He lovingly forgives and forgets every

single day of our lives, we suddenly find our motivation

for extending that same undeserved favor to those

around us. His patience, His acceptance, His

understanding, His kindness. By His grace, they become

ours—not just to receive but to release.

And when the people in your home and your life know

that you won't look down on them or lord their

inadequacies over them, you have given them a great

gift. An overflow of the gift given to you. Grace. The gift

of being able to stay authentic, knowing they'l be

accepted just as they are.

Isn't that how you want to feel yourself? And isn't that

the kind of freedom you want others to experience in

their relationship with you?

Every problem, every issue, every potential disaster, every

family member's weakness and failure, every less than

desirable circumstance—when viewed through the lens

of grace—becomes a fresh opportunity for extending

mercy and kindness. Bestowing compassion. Seeing the

best, even when the worst is front and center. Dispensers

of grace are women who resolve to put candles on the

table instead of sulking in the dark. Who let the people in

their homes enjoy what they have instead of centering on

what they don't. Who don't want people walking on pins

and needles around them, always having to

accommodate their emotional mood swings or cover up

their own failures for fear of being misunderstood.

Who let peace reign.

Who let grace rule.

This woman resolves to make her home a safe place for

her family and friends to find a haven from the world.

Those who enter her doors find a serenity that grasps

them, envelops them, soothes them, embraces them,

drawing them in to dine around the table of peace and

enjoy the company of those who are pleasurable to be

around—because they're accepting, grateful, grace fil ed.

It's revolutionary.

I mean, didn't grace utterly transform your life when

Jesus gave it to you? If you were too young to know just

how much of your life needed repair and repenting,

hasn't His grace brought you to worshipful tears more

times than you can count in the years since? Grace

overwhelms. Everywhere it appears. Just think what it

might accomplish when it comes gushing through your

smile, your hug, your kiss, your tender pat on the back,

your wink of forgiveness. Even this place, even these

people could be completely renovated into something

you barely recognize a month from now.

Like you were, when Jesus graced your life.

So take a personal inventory. Are you easy to be around?

Do you make it natural for your loved ones to feel

accepted? Do you keep track of their mistakes and

failures? When your family members do something with

the intention of pleasing you, do they get to see a smile of

gratitude brighten your face, or do you hardly even

notice— won't give them the satisfaction? Do you hold

others captive to your critical nature? Do you play the

martyr because of all you're required to do?

Or. .

Do you remember what Christ has done to cover every

single, solitary failure of your life, freeing you from the

bondage that would have kept you forever unsettled and

unable to live abundantly? Do you eagerly express that

same feeling of freedom to those in your home?

Give them a break.

I know they don't deserve it.

But neither did you.

Grace came anyway.

• List three specific attitudes and actions that make grace

palatable in someone's home life that you admire, not just

in their interaction with you as company but with one

another, as well?

• What do you feel wil be the primary challenge for you

in extending grace in your home? Be honest with God

about this. Ask Him to "give you rest" and to let His

"gentle and humble" heart be the one that comes shining through you (Matthew 11:28-29). M's Him. Not you.

That's why they call it grace.

OK

Sometimes when I just say, "OK," the walls

come tumbling down. Those two little letters

put an end to so many arguments. It's amazing.

Outside of calling on the name of Jesus Himself,

I think this is the next most powerful word in our

language." —A thirty-one year-old woman resolved

to live with grace

We like being right, and we want other people to agree

that we are. That's why one of the hardest things to do in

life, in marriage, in our families, and in our homes is to

resist the urge to flaunt that rightness. To win the

argument. To send the other person away with his head

hung in shame. We feel like our sentiments deserve the

right to be heard, then understood, then agreed with and

acted upon. And so we talk, and discuss, and quit

listening, and run the other person down. Into the

ground. Into submission.

Those on the periphery steer clear, tiptoeing around the

edges of the tension, trying their best to evade

commotion in a home that's supposed to be their resting

place. They feel marginalized and excluded, wondering

how this is all going to work out.

Al because everyone wants to be right.

But it won't be right. Not until someone is bold enough,

confident enough, courageous enough—gracious

enough—to kindly, lovingly, careful y acquiesce and

say..

"OK."

To finish it. Once and for all. Not because their demands

were met or their preferences catered to but because they

prefer peace to madness. They desire restoration above

discord. They want a home that feels ful , not depleted

and empty—a hol ow shell that echoes long and hard

with the loud racket and chaos of a fiery argument, then

turns cold and icy, bristling from the biting sting of silent

treatments.

One little OK makes the difference.

Now this is not some new age philosophy. It's an ancient,

scriptural sliver of venerated wisdom:

A gentle answer turns away anger,

but a harsh word stirs up wrath.

(Proverbs 15:1)

Truly the wise woman doesn't always seek to be heard or

validated but sometimes—in order to protect and

preserve relationships, in order to invite peace back into

her home—chooses a soft, delicate, gentle response in

place of one that's sharp and explosive, harmful and

wounding. She is resolved not to tend the fire of

quarrelsome conversations, knowing she'l only be

covered in its ashes long after the embers have burned

out. She sees through the veneer of out-of-control

temperaments and off-kilter comments, down to the

reality of the circumstance, recognizing that the thing

she's making such a big fuss over is likely pretty small

and insignificant in the grand scheme. She's not about to

lose the battle of her home over a tiny skirmish on a

miniscule hil . She doesn't stir the pot of people's

emotions just for the satisfaction of watching them cave

under the mounting pressure. She is patient. She brings

calm to the storm.

And that's what makes her a picture of wisdom. And

grace. Not a pushover. Not a doormat. She isn't caving or

being run over. Neither is she cocky or arrogant with her

OK dismissal. There's no air of sarcasm in her comment.

No sinister smirk on her face. She's just strong. God has

produced enough courage in her to prefer the long-

lasting sweetness of deference over the small, fleeting,

unsatisfying victory of winning this momentary battle.

So.

She.

Says. .

"OK."

Not easily but purposeful y, powerful y, poignantly.

She inhales. Exhales. Forces a gentle sigh and a smile,

coming up from somewhere deeper than human strength

has the mining rights to dig. Then with two simple

letters, and one great big trust in God, she completely

recalibrates this whole experience, not only for herself

but for everyone involved—those she loves and is

resolved to nurture.

"OK," she whispers.

And in the end, she wins the greatest victory of all.

• Prayerful y consider how you can apply the message of

these verses in your life today:

• "A soothing tongue is a tree of life, but perversion

in it crushes the spirit" (Proverbs 15:4 NASB).

• "Patience can persuade a prince, and soft speech

can break bones" (Proverbs 25:15 NLT).

• Making this resolution a habit in your home wil take

time and practice. Resolve to use this little word, in this

simple way, as much as you can in the next forty-eight

hours. Record the impact it makes in your relationships.

OFF BROADWAY

You've had the roles handpicked and the script written

for a long time now. The happenings of each scene have

been careful y calculated and then strategically

rehearsed. You're certain this theatrical masterpiece wil

be loved by everyone involved.

After all, it was written for their own good. Their own

benefit.

So you rehearse it, over and over again, playing your

own role and then fil ing in the gaps for everyone else—

quoting what they're supposed to say, the expressions

they're supposed to use, the intonation they're supposed

to reflect, the reactions they're supposed to give. Every

single actor has been allotted and accounted for as you

exit the dressing room of your own bedroom each

morning, clutching in your hand the high standards and

detailed expectations for the players on the stage of your

life.

There's only one problem with this production.

No one other than you even knows that it exists.

The other actors never signed up to participate. They are

unknowingly living their lives in a role they never agreed

to play and didn't realize they were expected to fil . But

now the people who make up the regular cast of your life

—husband, daughter, son, friend, parent—are enslaved

by your expectations, held captive to roles you wrote for

them without their consent. They'd like to be themselves,

to experience the same freedom they find everywhere

else. But here at home, going out of character can cost

them dearly.

The crushed look on your face.

The stunned rejection in your response.

The disapproval resonating from your voice.

It's clear you'l not stand for anyone messing with this

production, this script, this play of yours. And so they

don't. They play along. They have to. You'l have it no

other way. But in the process, they lose themselves. They

forget who they really are. They learn to live without

their freedom, their authenticity, ultimately their joy.

They just do your bidding. It's easier that way.

But not so with the woman of grace.

She recognizes and admits that, yes, she has a

predetermined plot line for her life and surroundings, a

compilation of past experiences and make-believe

notions. We've all done this to some degree— written out

the script of our lives. We've brought our expectations

into this relationship, into this situation, into this

arrangement of circumstances. We haven't exactly been

forthcoming with everybody about everything we've

written, but that's mainly because we didn't really know

we had these expectations until we were actually living

in this home situation. Now that we're here—now that

this is our reality—our expectations have come through

loud and clear, stark and startling, bold and bright.

And it's going to take a real woman of grace to slip out of

the director's chair and release the people in her home

from the fantasy world she's created.

Once we get real y honest with ourselves, it's not so hard

to see the damage our assumptions have caused. They are

the flame smoldering underneath much of the conflict,

tension, and dissent that resides in our home. So the

woman resolved to live with grace, while not lowering

her expectations, does intentionally recalibrate them.

Rather than basing them on a fantasy delusion and

forcing everyone else to fit in, she looks at her reality first

and then shapes her expectations accordingly. She seeks

to discern the true needs of her loved ones and then

adapts her own view of things so that she can do what is

best for them, nurturing an atmosphere in which they

can genuinely flourish.

This is what grace does. It releases, frees, relaxes,

unbridles. Al ows room, loosens nerves, gives permission,

expresses acceptance. One preacher described grace as

an oil that lubricates friction and relieves tension. It is the

WD-40 of life that eases rigidity and soothes the squeaky

hinges. Grace is the smile that everyone you love is

waiting to receive from you. . so that they can finally be

themselves around you.

It's time for this fantasy stage to fade to black. The lights

and glamour just aren't ours to command anymore. Who

wants them? We want authenticity more than scripted

story lines. We desire genuine relationships and a

relaxed atmosphere instead of all these painted faces and

nervously protected conversations. We want life—real

life—showered by a powerful, potent, palatable peace.

A woman resolved to grace can have exactly that.

• Do you have a Broadway play in your mind? if so, how

have you seen your family negatively affected by your

expectations?

• Do you feel as though adjusting your expectations wil

amount to lowering them? Why?

• What other people, television shows, or outside

influences are contributing to the fantasy world you're

attempting to force-fit onto your reality? How can you

temper their effect on you?

• If you're the one being held hostage by someone else's

demands and directives, how could you respectful y

communicate your concerns and feelings and careful y

navigate the situation so that you can experience

freedom?

SABBATH SPACES

When subfreezing temperatures, mixed with all kinds of

wintry precipitation, surprised Dallas for four straight

days one unusual February, snow and ice laced the roads

and bridges, causing schools and businesses to remain

closed for a ful week. My three little boys were home

from school, bouncing off the walls and relishing the

rare opportunity to stay up late and get up even later.

Families all over the area were forced inside while the

city's road crews did their best to make travel safe.

Sure, we'd seen snow before. You may find it laughable

how a couple inches of snow (or even just the threat of

it!) can bring a Southern city to a standstil . But this

particular snow was hard on us. Generally speaking,

we're just not prepared for this kind of cold. Few people

around here have the outerwear required to brave long

stints outside.

So for the most part everyone was indoors enjoying the

uncommon opportunity to escape the daily grind, relax,

and spend some stolen moments with the people they

love and live with.

Right?

Mmmm . . maybe not.

While tucked inside my house those cold, snowy days, I

ran across this headline from a news story posted online:

"Dallas/Ft. Worth Stricken with Cabin Fever."The article went on to post the comments of local people suffering

extreme bouts of claustrophobia—feeling holed up,

bored, and out of touch with the world.

Listen to this. .

• "Snow. Ice. Single-digit temps. Could plague of locusts

be far behind?"

• "No school again tomorrow! I think I'm going to go nuts

being stuck in this house!"

• "This has ruined what was going to be a fantastic week.

And it's made me now use two of my floating holidays."

• "Well, isn't this neat____Al the electricity on my block

just went out! Great. So now you can add 'trapped at

home with no electricity' to the list! Fantastic."

My goodness. You'd think that being made to stay at

home and enjoy the rest and relaxation that so often

eludes us would be—I don't know, a gift?—a delightful

interruption to our otherwise overcrowded schedules?

And yet according to the headline of this article, people

feel "stricken." Bored and anxious to get back to the

busyness.

That real y says something, doesn't it? Are we so addicted

to constant movement (even to our stress!) that we just

don't know how to relax anymore? Are we so driven to

performance and perfection that we can't see any value

in a slowly paced day? Have we grown so accustomed to

having no peace that we truly can't appreciate the beauty

of it, even when given not only the opportunity to enjoy

it but no other viable alternative? Worse yet, what are we

showing the next generation—that there's nothing at all

attractive about stil ness, simple fun, and family time?

The woman resolved to live with grace rebels against our

culture's resistance to rest. She understands that peace

can only be experienced in her home if she purposeful y

creates margins to help herself and her family at least

occasionally part ways from the hectic, demanding cycle

of their usual activities. So she takes responsibility for

planning deliberate opportunities for the age-old

disciplines of rest and quiet. She is convinced that to "be

stil , and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10 KJV) remains

the most likely way for her and those she loves to sense

His presence in her home.

I believe this principle is precisely what was on God's

mind when He gave detailed instructions for Moses to

relay to His beloved children of Israel. After nearly four

hundred years of constant, grueling, daily servitude to

Pharaoh in Egypt, this chosen generation had finally

tasted freedom. And in the shower of God's deliverance,

they were given (among others) this notable instruction. .

"Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy."

(Exodus 20:8)

"Sabbath" is from the Hebrew word Shabbat, meaning

"stopping" or "cessation." God was requiring His people to do something exactly opposite from what they'd grown

used to doing. Instead of endlessly working, one day after

another, engaging in every demanded activity, they were

to stop—to purposeful y carve out time to be stil and

enjoy Him—to celebrate a time of rest, rejuvenation, and

spiritual focus that would perpetuate their experience of

freedom, not just in theory but in the most practical

terms. In other words, the Sabbath principle was the total

reverse of the slavery they had already experienced in

Egypt and a protection against sliding into bondage of

another form.

And while we are no longer subject to the Old Testament

law, this principle of Sabbath stil carries fresh impact for

us.

Our inclination toward incessant activity shows up in all

of our crowded spaces—packed calendars, stuffed

closets, jumbled minds that can't be turned off and

quieted. We become slaves to busyness, slaves to the

schedule, slaves to the disorder in our homes and our

lives. We can't keep a single thought in our heads for

more than thirty seconds. The roar never stops. We

rarely just leave room for . . nothing. Like Israel, we've

grown so accustomed to constant activity that even when

the opportunity arises to be stil , we can't help but feel

unsettled.

So in order to protect ourselves from being control ed

and enslaved by our chaos, we must become women who

intentionally create "Sabbath spaces"—margins in our

lives that are left purposeful y clean and clear so we can

enjoy the liberty we've been granted by God Himself.

Failure to do so wil continue to result in more and more

bondage.

Nothing is worse or sadder than a freed person slipping

the chains back on—whether literally, figuratively, or

spiritually. And unless we are deliberate about teaching

this discipline to the next generation, we wil be

shackling them to the same chains of clutter that clank

around our ankles most of the time.

This can stop with you.

One friend of mine finds this particularly difficult. While

her family has decided to carve out a Sabbath space on

Sunday afternoons to rest and be together, she often finds

herself rushing around her living space trying to clean

up, both implying and sometimes specifically demanding

that her spouse and children do the same. In the end no

one rests or enjoys one another because mom is

frantically prompting everyone to use their "rest time" to work! Letting her family just be and enjoy life is a real

challenge for her. A discipline. It'l be a discipline for

most of us too.

But let's do it.

Start with what I call the "14 Challenge." Historically the Sabbath was one day out of every seven. This amounts to

14 percent of a week. So let's just keep it simple by

starting with the number fourteen. Look at your schedule

and decide when you can block out a Sabbath space of

fourteen minutes each day—for yourself, for you and

your spouse (if you're married), or for your whole family

to be together. Doesn't sound like much, but you might

be shocked at how difficult this may be for you to

achieve and maintain. You may also be amazed at how

much this block of time could rejuvenate you.

On the weekends, encourage your children to spend at

least fourteen minutes each day having some down time

where they just go to their rooms to read or play quietly.

This teaches both toddlers and teenagers that it's OK not

to be constantly barraged by television, video games, and

other forms of entertainment that someone else provides

for them with very little of their input. Your teenager

might feel lost without Facebook or Twitter, but they'l

get over it. And you'l be teaching them a valuable lesson.

If you're married, I also want to encourage you to

determine what weekend or ful week you can devote as

a couple to Sabbath space, to rejuvenate and recalibrate

from the other fifty-one weeks of the year. You need this

and so does your husband. So does your relationship.

This doesn't necessarily mean taking a costly vacation to

a particular destination. Sometimes it only means taking

a vacation from certain activities. A simple week "off"

from inundating technology and the normal schedule

can give you a refreshing boost, as well as the

opportunity to do some things you don't usually have

time for— like, for example, visiting an elderly relative,

reading a novel cover-to-cover, cleaning out your closet,

scrapbooking last year's photo memories, or just taking

an extra nap or two. Prioritizing a Sabbath wil cause you

to be fresher, lighter, and more prepared to take care of

your home without becoming so easily frustrated and

stressed out.

But beyond just planning breaks in your time, consider

creating Sabbath spaces in the tangible areas of your

home. As easy as it is for our calendars to become

overrun with responsibilities, our own homes can also

turn into pits of clutter and chaos, causing them to feel

less like a haven and more like a cave or dungeon we

want to get out of. So why not create some "margins" in your home as well? Just as you cleared fourteen minutes

from your daily schedule, clear fourteen inches of space

somewhere in your living area once a week.

Maybe that untidy shelf of yours is forty-eight inches

long. Discipline yourself to clear just over one foot of

space. Then the fol owing week, fourteen inches more in

another area of your home. Don't go overboard trying to

do a major house cleaning and organizational sweep or

get overwhelmed because you can't do everything at

once. As an act of obedience to God—even an act of

praise-fil ed worship—start giving your home some

breathing room. Deliberately own that small section of

your world until you've transformed it from piles of junk

into peace and joy. Do it consistently enough, and you'l

wake up one day a few months from now with a living

space that's orderly, balanced, and more available for

God's use, all in fourteen-inch increments at a time.

I know there's nothing much more refreshing to me than

walking into my closet and . . actually being able to walk

in! I enjoy being able to choose an outfit to wear when I

can actually slide my clothes across the bar and see

clearly what I'm choosing from. If it's so crushed and

crammed that I can't even move the hangers from side to

side, I get frustrated and put out. But what if it was

fourteen inches more livable this week, and then I made

another area of my home fourteen inches more livable

the next? Pretty soon, I'd be 100 percent satisfied.

So think about it. Is there a shelf you could clear out in

your hall closet this week—just one small area where

you could reclaim some space in your life? Is there a

nook or corner that's become a dumping ground for stuff

that could be sifted through and relocated to the attic? Is

there a single countertop that could be swiped clean of

unnecessary untidiness that's serving no real purpose?

What about the junk drawer in your kitchen that holds

everything and nothing at the same time? What wil be

the line, the "stopping point" for all your stuff?

Only the woman living with grace and pursuing peace

wil prioritize enough to see the value in Sabbath spaces.

Instead of being afraid of the silence or of what might

fall through the cracks, she guards and embraces her

margins. She sees them for the gift they are. She knows

that nothing is enjoyable when there's too much to be

enjoyed. She can't quite see what's at her disposal when

all the important things are lost under a pile of

miscellaneous things. So she takes a few minutes to look

careful y at her time and space, then determines that

claiming peace is more important than hanging on to all

this stuff that is slowly, methodically claiming her. She

lets go. She ushers in an environment of peace for her

home. Now it's a place to be enjoyed, not burdened by,

not enslaved to.

A Sabbath space.

You need it in your home, in your day, in your week, in

your life. If you don't have any idea how to put it there,

grace can do it for you.

• As you move forward with signing this resolution,

careful y consider the practical aspects of your decision.

What are some things you can begin to put in place to

make grace and peace realized in your home?

LIVING WITH GRACE

I wil cultivate a peaceful home where everyone can

sense God's presence not only through acts of love

and service but also through the pleasant and

grateful attitude with which I perform them.

____________________________________

LEAVING A

GODLY LEGACY

A RESOLUTION TO LIVE TODAY

WITH TOMORROW IN MIND

CHOOSE WISELY

A good [woman] leaves an inheritance.

(Proverbs 13:22)

My brother once met an interesting young man while

visiting a church in another city. After becoming

acquainted and spending some time in casual

conversation with each other, he began to tell my brother

about his family which, it turns out, bears quite an

interesting legacy.

His great-great (however many "greats" make seven

generations' distance) great-great grandfather was a

prominent political and military leader in the newly

formed United States of America. He presided over the

Constitutional Convention in May 1787 and wielded

significant influence over the structure and ratification

of our innovative form of government.

In fact, he became our first president.

But during those formative years in our nation's history,

with many decisions to be made about how this republic

should be organized and function, a relatively small yet

vocal group of citizens had interest in making George

Washington king instead of president, eager for his

leadership skil s to be put to more permanent use. This

would mean that subsequent men in his family would

automatically ascend to the throne and carry the title.

And he likely had the power to make it stick if he'd

wanted to, especially if he'd thought it would be in the

best interests of the nation.

"In other words," this young, direct descendant of George Washington said to my brother, "I would be king right

now if he had chosen differently."

One decision.

Made by one person.

And its ripple effects on the generations have made a

startling difference.

I wonder if George Washington had this reality in mind

as he was making his decision. I'm curious to know if any

thoughts concerning his legacy were at least part of his

rationale when choosing what to do. I can't ask him, of

course, but..

I can ask you.

Are you making today's decisions with their impact on

tomorrow in mind? When you're arranging your

priorities and forming your habits, do you think about

your children, your grandchildren, about the kind of

character they'l remember about you and inherit from

you? When you spend your money, or sport your fashion

sense, or speak your piece, or spare your time, does it

ever occur to you that you're not just making a choice for

yourself, in the moment? That you're making a choice

which impacts people who are fol owing behind you?

That you're perhaps playing a role in the attitudes and

observations of a young woman you hardly know, maybe

even a total stranger who one day hears someone telling

what you were like?

These are the kinds of questions to keep in mind when

thinking about what you wil do today. How you wil

respond in this moment. What type of resolutions you

wil make and live by. These decisions matter right now,

and. .

They keep on mattering.

They are your legacy.

We know that a legacy, generally speaking, is an

inheritance, a gift bequeathed to others after a person's

death. An estate. Usually the terms of this transfer are

careful y spel ed out in an organized, legal document,

detailing exactly how gifts of land, money, property, and

possessions are to be distributed to a person's loved ones.

Clear instructions about who gets a certain piece of

jewelry or a particular item of furniture. Yet as valid and

honorable as it is to make these kinds of arrangements,

cementing the tangible connection between generations,

people tend to spend more time planning their physical

inheritance than their spiritual one.

Our legacy of faith, compassion, gratitude, perseverance,

forgiveness, patience, and love should be careful y

crafted and then purposeful y passed on as well. Things

that aren't earned by shrewd investing but by simply

living. Gifts that aren't reserved for major holidays and

dressy events but are given out on Tuesdays and Saturday

mornings, in your sweatpants, without a lot of fanfare

and fireworks.

Just you. Choosing to live today as if someone's tomorrow

depended on it.

This seemed to be paramount in Moses' mind as he stood

on the outskirts of the land of promise, having sojourned

with God's people forty years in the wilderness. Here he

was, 120 years old, nearing the end of his life, sharing

the crucial messages on his heart in these final hours

with his beloved friends and fellow citizens

(Deuteronomy 28-30).

He spoke of legacy.

He spoke of spiritual inheritance.

He encouraged God's people to make today's decisions

with tomorrow in mind.

See, I have set before you today life and prosperity,

and death and adversity; in that I command you today

to love the Lord your God, to walk in His ways and

to keep His commandments and His statutes and

His judgments, that you may live and multiply, and

that the Lord your God may bless you in the land

where you are entering to possess it. . . So choose life in

order that you may live, you and your descendants.

(Deuteronomy 30:15-16,19 NASB)

By choosing to love the Lord, to cling to Him, and commit

themselves to Him in faithful obedience—today—the

people of God could expect a long, prosperous existence

as a nation tomorrow, fil ed with a lifetime supply of His

joy and peace. This would allow them and their children

to be recipients of all the benefits stipulated by the

covenant God had initiated with them. In return for their

faithful choices, they would be assured of "life"—a

promising legacy of divine protection and provision to be

handed down to their children and grandchildren as a

heritage and birthright.

I wonder if the men and women hearing Moses' words,

thinking about what God was offering—I wonder if they

looked down at their children, mil ing and playing

around their feet, picturing them all grown up and

experiencing the ful , rich benefits of their parents'

obedience—a mom and dad who chose to live in a way

pleasing to the Lord.

I wonder, too, if they were equally lost in thought and in

visions of the future when Moses presented the second

alternative: death. Making this selection would result in

consequences that were equally explicit—things like

misery, loss of divine favor, the insecurity of living

outside God's protection. Terrible stuff. Horrible, long-

lasting side effects. Worse than the kind they rattle off on

those prescription drug commercials that come on while

you're cooking dinner.

Two choices. Life. Death.

Was there really a choice to make? Would anyone

knowingly seek "refuge in his own destruction" (Psalm

52:7 ESV), squandering the opportunity to bequeath a

steady, godly legacy to his children, complete with all the

blessings and favor that comes from God alone, both for

themselves and the generations to come?

Yes, they would.

And yes, we do.

Both knowingly and unknowingly, we do it every time

we make even small, daily decisions that are contrary to

the purposes, plans, and promises of God. We sign our

names to a rotting, moth-eaten inheritance that those

whom the Lord has entrusted to us wil one day receive.

When we ignore God's priorities and make unwise, self-

centered decisions without concern for others, we take a

hammer to the legacy we'l leave behind. We leave them

with a heritage of heartache, turmoil, adversity,

unnecessary difficulty, and possibly even spiritual curses

to contend with.

Perhaps you know this reality with startling clarity.

Maybe you are a product of the unwise choices of your

parents. The legacy left to you has been one of addiction

and compromise, of debt and unforgiveness, of failure

and shredded self-esteem. Maybe your parents didn't

mean to leave you imprinted with this kind of heritage,

and yet they did—every time they chose not to

specifically, purposeful y, consistently make their

momentary decisions with tomorrow in mind. When

they opted for pleasure and fun over purity and fidelity,

when they opted for weakness and selfishness over

wil ful obedience and steadfast love, they were making

the unwitting decision to pile baggage on your grown-

up doorstep, the kind of clutter that can often take years

to clear away.

But no matter what legacy has been handed down to you,

you can wake up in the morning to draft a new one on

the drawing board of your life. You can restructure the

clauses. Refocus the points and paragraphs. You can

rename the recipients and reorganize the types of gifts

you intend to give. This is your opportunity. To leave a

legacy. A different legacy. A new legacy.

And it all starts today.

With the decisions you'l make right now.

This was Eileen's reason for living well. She was a mother

with eight children. Her husband worked like a madman

to provide for the family, traveling incessantly and doing

his best. But it was no easier on Eileen, who lost two of

her children to death at birth, struggled with her own

health, and was even forced at one time to make a

transglobal move with her family to keep hope afloat.

Life was hard. Every day harder than the one before. But

she had decided as a young woman that she would

cultivate a legacy worth leaving to those she loved. So

despite the many difficulties and challenges, she made

each day of her life a decision to pay her legacy forward.

To stay committed to her family and faithful to the Lord.

To sit all eight of her children around her knees to read

Scripture and pray over them. To invest herself ful y in

the work God had for her. It was difficult, but it was

worth it.

Today, at ninety-two, with thirteen grands and twenty-

one greats to go with her already enormous brood, you

can see the sparkle in her eye when surrounded by the

fruits of her labor. As she watches her posterity soaking

in the favor of God's protection and provision, she takes

that breath of a woman satisfied. You can see the

framework of God's blessing in the lives of those who

trace their history to her door. You can see that her wise

decisions paid off.

This can be your legacy.

It's not too late.

Today—truly, within the next twenty-four hours—an

eye-opening choice is set before you. It's disguised as

your next opportunity, your next option, your next

decision, your next offer. Now's your chance to see these

through the lens of Moses' biblical description. See them

as small yet significant choices between death and life.

Is there really a choice to make?

Choose life.

Choose wisely.

The legacy you are leaving depends on it.

• How have you seen (or perhaps tasted for yourself) the

long-lasting fruit of personal choices on the lives of

others? How have you been harmed by them? How have

you been blessed by them?

• What are some of the choices you already know about

—ones that are coming up in the next few days, weeks,

or months—that wil provide you the opportunity to

make an impact on your legacy? What can you do now,

ahead of time, to ensure that you choose wisely?

• List the people most important to you that you desire to

leave a godly legacy to.

UNEXPECTED LEGACY

She sat across from me, steaming coffee cup in hand,

leaning in to our conversation—the same way she

always does every time I talk with her—intent, personal,

intimate.

My aunt, all sixty-seven years of her, was sharing the

morning's rainy moments with me in my home, nestled

on my well-worn sofa, engaging in some girl talk during

her yearly visit to the States from London. In her

unmistakably British accent, she shared with me what

the Lord had been teaching her lately.

I listened.

I mean, I always listen to her.

I've never found her insights to be anything less than

thoroughly captivating and thought provoking. A deep

student of the Bible, her understanding of spiritual things

wafts through the air like the pungent, familiar aroma of

her favorite perfume. She's never lacked for stories about

the happenings in her life. Her frequent travels to

countries I've never even heard of have made for

fascinating tales. In sharing God's Word with different

people groups around the world, she's seen miracles and

moves of His Spirit that can make

your eyes pop out of your head. The detail with which

she describes His marvelous work, things she's seen up

close and personal. .

Breathtaking.

But at this moment she was even more intense than

usual, peering from behind her brown, square-rimmed

glasses, her hands grasped tightly around her warm

coffee mug, just as her sentiments began to clasp around

my heart. Because on this morning, she spoke of personal

things.

Of singleness.

Of childlessness.

Her journey had been fil ed with the longings and losses

of both. She'd never been married. She'd been on the cusp

a couple of times, but. . . never ultimately felt God leading

her to covenant her life with either man. And she was OK

with that. Over time she'd made peace with it, with what

appeared to be God's calling on her life to remain purely

satisfied in Him. Took time, yes. But it happened.

And yet. . . childlessness. Perhaps something even deeper

in a woman's psyche than the desire to find her heart's

true love. That's why when she went to the doctor

complaining of certain pains and discomforts in her

body, his recommendation that she undergo a

hysterectomy struck her at a depth of sorrow she didn't

realize she was capable of feeling. To permanently close

off from her the opportunity to reproduce life erupted in

the form of deep, raw, lonely emotions that are no less

staggering for a single woman than one married. It's the

ripping away of a desire that dwells at the core of

womanhood—doesn't matter what her status is. Were

God ever to choose a husband for her, she now knew

with certainty she could never give him children.

Coming to grips with singleness had been hard, she told

me. Coming to grips with childlessness had unexpectedly

been harder.

By the time of her surgery, however, she had let God deal

with much of her pain and loss. In fact, one day while

recovering in the hospital, she heard a baby crying in the

near distance. And amazingly, instead of the sweet sound

rushing over her with another wave of heartache and

grief, it compel ed her to seize the moment

as an opportunity to receive her season of barrenness

and to walk within it wholeheartedly—to surrender

instead of fight against what the Lord was allowing. As

she did this, a consuming sense of freedom surged

through her body. God placed a blanket of His peace and

contentment around her in a remarkable way. She knew

that He was bringing her through this ordeal

victoriously. She felt like He was saying to her, "You have

given up the physical womb, but I have given you a

spiritual womb."

Nearly six months later, while attending a meeting at

church, she and a small gathering of brothers and sisters

were in the pastor's office, praying passionately and

earnestly for God's work and God's people. During the

course of their praying, a wise, godly mentor— who

actually knew nothing about her experience of release

and surrender those many months earlier—slipped over

to where she was, placed a loving hand across her

shoulder blades, and said to her in words that

supernaturally confirmed God's leading, "You are not

barren. Out of your womb wil come new life. There is

life to be produced and a legacy to be left through you.

You have daughters, many of them."

Many of them.

Perhaps you know my Aunt Ruth's heartache. Perhaps

you feel cheated from experiencing a biological legacy.

But maybe, if you look careful y, you'l see the same thing

God opened my sweet aunt's eyes to see—spiritual

offspring, a plethora of daughters, just waiting to be

imprinted with wisdom and counsel and encouragement

and favor. . with the embrace of someone's motherly love.

As women in whom God's Spirit lives and has borne fruit,

we have each been called to leave a godly legacy, to pass

the baton of His grace and truth to others who wil then

take it to lengths and destinations we wil never go

ourselves. This is not an option. This is a heavenly

mandate.

How unjust it would be for God's work in your life to

start and stop with you. Your lifespan is simply not long

or large enough to contain the heights and depths of His

activity, then to swallow it whole without offering

anyone else a bite.

This heritage must be carried on. And it can be.

Through you. To them.

This truly is the essence of what a godly legacy is—the

continued sharing of values, standards, beliefs,

disciplines, priorities, experiences, lessons learned—not

only to those who sprout from your family tree but also

to those with whom you share the bloodline of Christ.

• If this chapter speaks of your story, what does God seem

to be specifically saying to you through it?

• Who are some younger women that come to your mind

who could benefit from a mentoring relationship with

you?

• If perhaps this chapter doesn't apply to you personally,

how could you use its truths to both encourage and

challenge the single, childless women in your life—to

invest themselves in the responsibility of legacy building?

SET IN STONES

What do these stones mean to you?

(Joshua 4:6)

In any other place, they might be just rocks. Gray, bland,

boring, stagnant pieces of creation, good for little other

than holding down the end of your picnic blanket or

cracking open a nutshell.

But put those rocks on the banks of the Jordan River,

marking the site where two mil ion Hebrews closed the

book on forty years of wilderness wandering, walking

across on dry ground into the promised land—a milk-

and-honey moment they'd been waiting their whole lives

to see—and suddenly these are not just rocks anymore.

They're monuments.

And that's exactly what God intended when He said to

Joshua..

"Take for yourselves twelve men from the people,

one man from each tribe, and command them,

saying, 'Take up for yourselves twelve stones from

here out of the middle of the Jordan, from the place

where the priests' feet are standing firm, and carry

them over with you and lay them down in the

lodging place where you wil lodge tonight.'"

So Joshua called the twelve men whom, he had appointed

from the sons of Israel, one man from each tribe; and

Joshua said to them, "Cross again to the ark of the Lord

your God into the middle of the Jordan, and each of

you take up a stone on his shoulder, according to

the number of the tribes of the sons of Israel.

"Let this be a sign among you, so that when your children

ask later, saying, 'What do these stones mean to you?'

then you shall say to them, 'Because the waters of the

Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of

the Lord; when it crossed the Jordan, the waters of

the Jordan were cut off.' So these stones shall become

a memorial to the sons of Israel forever."

(Joshua 4:2-7 NASB)

Rocks. Just rocks. Until they are gathered, strategically

memorialized, and purposeful y positioned to be

remembered.

Most of us would probably categorize our days as an

array of mundane, normal experiences. It's what we do.

It's who we are. It's how we get from point A to point

bedtime. From good-morning to good-night. But take a

woman resolved to leave a godly legacy, and she begins

to realize that these moments stand for more than mere

calendar dates and common occurrences. They are the

ongoing testaments of God's work in her life. They

represent experiences with Him that are unique and

personal, as noteworthy and significant as they are

normal and second nature.

They may just be Mondays, but they are stil monuments.

So I'm asking you today to become intentional about

gathering up these "stones," about building a record of what God is doing in your life. Instead of spending every

other night this week on something that wil probably

yield little if anything of real value, would you be wil ing

to take just one slice of one evening to walk back into the

middle of the Jordan—into some moment when you

experienced God in a memorable way—-and pul out

some insights that could help begin construction on a

growing record of your legacy?

Your legacy. It needs a script for others to fol ow. Both

you and they need a way to remember.

Now let me preface what I'm about to share with you by

confessing that I'm not all that fantastic when it comes to

journaling. I wrote a little something in my journal last

week, and it was my first entry since, oh, nine months

ago? How's that for consistency? I've always admired

those women who keep a beautiful y bound, leather

journal in the top drawer of their nightstand, pul ing it

out every evening like clockwork, recording in flowing

prose their experiences of the day. I'd love to be like that.

Maybe one day I wil .

But even though I've not been terribly dependable in this

department, I'm grateful that the Lord has kept

journaling an important part of my life. I'm the type of

woman who journals when. .

• something is pressing on my heart and mind.

• a specific milestone has been reached.

• the Lord has been doing an important, transformative

work in me.

• I'm in the middle of a particular life occurrence that

seems to hold implications I just know wil matter in the

future.

Fairly average days and events, in most respects. And yet

the only thing that really makes them forgettable is when

I fail to record them.

So how happy I am that I've done this through the years.

Even the most sporadic sentiments have been fun to look

back on. To be able to recall specific seasons of life, to

remember exactly what I was praying for, then to

recognize more clearly than ever how the Lord

responded—few things are more faith building and

encouraging to me. It's like pul ing down a photo album

and flipping through the pages, reliving scenes you're so

glad you captured when you had the chance. Some are

from big moments—family vacations, birthdays,

Christmas Eve. But others are just from offhand

afternoons when you saw something you wanted to keep

and treasure. Recording God's handiwork, in ways both

large and small, provides you and others a walk down

memory lane that inspires because it's Him . . in you.

And now in stone.

Because the day wil certainly come when those to whom

you desire to leave a vibrant spiritual heritage wil be

interested in seeing how you handled even an ordinary

moment from an ordinary morning, how God's

faithfulness and care and protection and guidance

intersected your path one day and turned it into much

more than just a routine traffic stop. Your children, your

grandchildren, the younger women you hope your life

wil be able to affect—they'l be curious to see how He

moved and worked, through both your successes and

your failures, your high spots and your biggest mistakes,

wrapping them all in His sovereign grace and (with your

cooperation) sealing them in ink on these simple pages.

It's good reading. Legacy making.

I've found this to be so valuable and rewarding, in fact,

that I've started a journal for each of my sons. On

occasion when I see the Lord moving in their lives, or I

notice them reaching a new level of maturity in a

particular area, I open up their little book and make a

record of the experience. Even if I only think to do it once

a year on their birthdays, my goal is to give it to them

later when they're old enough to appreciate a mom's look

back at their spiritual growth and development, insights

that their wives and children—wow, my grandchildren

—wil find intriguing and priceless, even hilarious in

spots. But a legacy all the same. Continually rol ing

forward. Connecting generations. God be glorified.

If you've tuned me out here because you just have no

interest in writing things down—again, I understand. My

siblings and I have a father who is that way. One

Christmas we went to great lengths to find a perfect

journal for him, one with a genuine leather cover. Lush

and masculine. Quite pricey even, but we thought it was

worth purchasing for him. We hoped it would span the

generations. We had his name engraved on it and

presented it to him with great pomp and circumstance,

believing he'd enjoy having it on his desk and writing

little nuggets to us whenever he had something special to

pass along to his children for posterity. That way we'd

always have a record of these important sentiments of

his.

That was five years ago. The journal is stil on his desk.

And it is also stil empty.

My point is—I'm not really asking you to resolve to

journal—to do it in this one way and this one way only. I

know the pen-and-paper method just doesn't match up

for everybody. I get that. But I am asking you to find your

own way to store up your legacy. To gather stones.

Obviously the life you live is much more important than

the one you write down. The way you respond in

practical, consistent ways to Christ's lordship is of much

greater real-world importance than how some book of

yours remembers it. But as a woman of resolutions, you

bear a responsibility to others. This is not just about

whether you like to do something. It's about priority.

Purpose. Promises.

So talk into a tape recorder. Create your own digital

audio clips. Set up a video camera. Design an annual

scrapbook. Journal your quiet time notes from Bible

reading and prayers that can be left for your loved ones

long after you're gone. One year when my sister found

herself too busy to journal consistently, she searched

back as far as she could in her Twitter account and

Facebook status, and printed up every post she'd made.

Saving those writings gave her a perfect way to capture

her thoughts and happenings from the past year.

Just find your own unique way to do it, but don't leave

your children and grandchildren without something to

see and touch and feel and hear—something that shows

what God has done to bring you and them to this

moment in time. It's a masterpiece in the making.

Every day your Father does something new. He molds

and shapes. He guides and refines. He rotates and

contours and buffs around the edges. Every single day.

And though it may seem all routine and ordinary to you,

this is the stuff of your legacy. It's happening all around

you. Inside you. In living relationship with the One you

long for others to know in ever deeper ways, to ever

greater extents. And one day, way sooner than you think,

when they come to you wanting to know, "What do these

stones mean?".. make sure you have something to show

them, not just tell them.

You are a woman whose story hears reading and

repeating because your God is doing amazing things in

you, whether or not you realize it. Things you don't want

to hide and downplay. Things others shouldn't need to

learn all over again. Things that wil help them launch

into life with a spiritual boost and a head start.

That's the strength of a woman's legacy. Your legacy.

Built on a Rock. Carved in stone.

• This final resolution is the climax of every other one

we've made. The primary purpose of these resolutions

has been to assist and support you in leaving a legacy

you can he proud of. As we near the end of our journey, I

ask you to use this last experience as the opportunity to

tie together everything we've been learning and

committing to along the way. These have not just been

pledges to become a better person. This is about living a

life that's bigger than yourself, one that can't be

contained by the limits of a human lifetime. This is about

both responsibility and joy—the responsibility to invest

heavily in others and the joy of watching God take our

smallest gifts and turn them into eternal treasures. In

whatever way He leads you to do this, He wil supply you

incredible grace and strength to accomplish it. As you

make this resolution, realize you're making a truly lasting

difference and that your commitment to these thirteen

resolutions wil make an impact for generations to come.

• You—a woman of great resolves—are establishing a

godly legacy.

LEAVING A GODLY LEGACY

I ful y resolve to make today's decisions with tomorrow's

impact in mind. I wil consider my current choices

in light of those who wil come after me.

________________________________________

THE RESOLUTION FOR WOMEN:

AT A GLANCE

I DO solemnly resolve before God to embrace my current

season of life and live with a spirit of contentment.

I WILL champion God's model for womanhood and teach

it to my children.

I WILL celebrate my God-given uniqueness and the

distinctions He has placed in others.

I WILL live as a woman answerable to God and faithful y

committed to His Word.

I WILL seek to devote the best of myself to the primary

roles God has entrusted to me.

I WILL be quick to listen, slow to speak, and esteem

others more highly than myself.

I WILL forgive those who have wronged me and

reconcile with those I have wronged.

I WILL not tolerate evil influences in myself or my home

but wil embrace a life of purity.

I WILL pursue justice, love mercy, and extend

compassion toward others.

I WILL be faithful to my husband and honor him in my

conduct and in my conversation, and wil aspire to be a

suitable partner for him to help him reach his God-given

potential.

I WILL teach my children to love God, respect authority,

and live responsibly.

I WILL cultivate a peaceful home where God's presence is

sensed.

I WILL make today's decisions with tomorrow's impact in

mind and consider my current choices in light of future

generations.

I WILL courageously work with the strength God

provides to fulfil this resolution for the rest of my life

and for His glory.

As for me and my house, we wil serve the Lord.

(Joshua 24:15 NASB)

Table of Contents

PART I

PART II

PART III

FOREWORD

THE RESOLUTION REVOLUTION

PART I: THIS IS WHO I AM.

SURPRISINGLY SATISFIED

Every Bite Counts

The Secret

Overflowing Blessing

The Balancing Point

PURPOSEFULLY FEMININE

Pretty in Print?

It's Good to Be a Girl

Role Reversal

AUTHENTICALLY ME

Intelligent Design

Supernatural Selection

Happy to Be You

The Affirmation Crusade

FAITHFULLY HIS

Divine Appointments

Faith vs. Faithfulness

I'd Like a Word with You

PART II: THIS IS WHAT I HAVE.

MY BEST

Boxes

Timing Is Everything

Anything, Everything, and Whatever

It Only Works When I Breathe

MY BLESSING

The Gift

Shhhh

Underneath It Al

MY FORGIVENESS

Internal Injuries

Al Clear

No More Circles

MY INTEGRITY

Structural Soundness

The Three Percent Difference

From Strength to Strength

MY

Look Again

How Do You Heal an Unbroken Heart?

Mercy Me

Part III: This is what matters to me.

FULFILLING MY HUSBAND

Marriage Proposal

Hopes and Fears

Need a Little Peace and Quiet?

LOVING MY CHILDREN

True Love