The Snow’s Meltdown

Marita L. Kinney

Contents

Copyright

Introduction

Chapter 1

Anniversary Gift

Chapter 2

Girl Talk

Chapter 3

The Announcement

Chapter 4

The Situation

Chapter 5

Breakthrough

Chapter 6

The Appointment

Chapter 7

Weak Moments

Chapter 8

Heart to Heart

Chapter 9

Truth Hurts

Chapter 10

Date Night

Chapter 11

Boiling Point

Chapter 12

Enough

Chapter 13

The Shift

Chapter 14

Come Clean

Chapter 15

The Moment

Chapter 16

Could It Be?

Chapter 17

Reality Check

Chapter 18

The Storm is Passing Over

Chapter 19

The Dead Honest Truth

Chapter 20

The Revelation

Conclusion

BONUS (Preview)

The

Unspoken Walk

Dedication

Introduction

Chapter One

About The Author

Books by Marita:

Copyright

© 2013 by Marita Kinney.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a

retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior

written permission of the publishers, except by a reviewer who may quote

brief passages in a review to be printed in a newspaper, magazine or journal.

All Scripture quotation, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version. NIV.

Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society.  Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House.  All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1480256255  Printed in the United States of America.

“Thank you for the reading of the book...It was so real!  I hope there will be a part two to this story...I love reading good books.” Dionne Jilani-Thurman

“What a true blessing and gift this is to read. No matter how long it took to read, it was very intriguing until the end. There is a deep message in this book and God will get it across to whom it is meant for. Even in years to come.” Ebony H. Brooks

“It was a great read.....I finished it in one day. I love to read, and it's hard to find a good book now days....But this was extremely realistic.” Angela Hayes

“This book is a blessing, and everyone should read it!” Carla Maxwell

Introduction

I had a blast writing this book as part ofNaNoWriMo (National November Novel Month). For anyone who’s ever wondered about NaNoWriMo, it challenges authors to write a novel in 30 days. It is a free flow of words resulting in an extremely raw uncut rough draft fiction novel. This is my final draft. This was my first time participating, and I’ll probably do it again. Without further ado, allow me to introduce to you Calvin Snow.

“My Name is Calvin Snow Jr., son of Pastor Calvin Snow Sr. and Lady Rose Snow. I never thought that this would be my life, but it is. I can’t forgive myself for what I did to my wife Katrina. The pain is so unbearable, don’t judge me; you’ve been where I am before to. I just can’t take it anymore. One day my life was fine, and then the next day God changed everything. If he genuinely loves me, then why won’t he do something? My thoughts are literally driving me crazy, and it hurts too much to live with this pain. That’s why I have decided to take my life.”

Chapter 1

Anniversary Gift

Calvin has been nervous all day and knows that Katrina will be thrilled when he reveals to her the ultimate anniversary gift.

“You better hurry home Mr. Calvin,” yelled his assistance Clarissa from the next room as she hung up the phone with Katrina, his beautiful wife who he’d met in college.

“So Mr. Calvin, how many years has it been now since you and Mrs. Katrina jumped the broom?” asked Clarissa.

“It’s been six years, can you believe it?” said Calvin. “I only hope that we can make it to 45 years like my parents. Thank you so much for locking up for me Clarissa; I’ll see you on Monday. If Katrina happens to call back, can you let her know I’ve already left?" as he said jokingly on his way out of the door.

Calvin opened the door to his Mercedes-Benz CLS550 and all he could think about was getting home to Katrina. It’s been a long six years, and he knew the perfect anniversary gift to give her. As Calvin drove slower than the speed limit, he found a fluttering butterfly feeling at the pit of his stomach; as even he was amazed at the gift he was going to reveal to his wife. It seemed as if every red light had stopped him, taking him longer than usual to get home. He knew Katrina was dressed and waiting for him to arrive so that they could go to their favorite Italian restaurant. Calvin had been taking Katrina to this restaurant since their freshman year in college.

When Calvin met Katrina, he wanted to impress her badly by taking her to the finest restaurant in town. While Calvin was in college, his funds were low because of the strict budget his parents kept him on in hopes of teaching him responsibility. Calvin’s parents, Pastor and First Lady Snow, were what some people would have called “old-school” parents. They were extremely wealthy but believed Calvin should earn his own way. They provided for Calvin while he was in college, but gave him the bare necessities to survive college life. When Calvin mentioned Katrina to his parents, Pastor Snow realized that this girl was someone remarkable and suggested that Calvin take her to the finest restaurant in town. Calvin remembered explaining to his father that it was not possible due to his funds. First Lady Snow smiled and gently said, “Son, this one is on us.”

When Calvin started to reminisce on their first date, time started to fly by, and before he knew, he was pulling up to their home. Katrina greeted him at the door with a smile on her face, dressed and ready to go.

“Honey I didn’t mean to call you at work, but I was so excited about our anniversary. I didn’t want you to get caught up with work and forget about the time,” she explained.

Calvin gently grabbed her by the chin and gave her a passionate kiss, interrupting her as she tried to further explain. Katrina knew that when she called the office looking for him, it sometimes frustrated him because he was typically in the middle of a closing. As a mortgage broker, he worked long hours and wanted limited interruptions throughout his busy day. This was to ensure that he could rush home each night and leave work behind. Katrina was surprisingly shocked that he didn’t even care about her calling several times earlier on this particular day. Calvin always tried to call her once a day to say he loved her. He did this every time he had a free moment. Calvin’s work schedule had been so chaotic since they’ve gotten married and he knew that tonight would change things forever. As Katrina opened her eyes from being kissed, she sensed in Calvin’s demeanor that he was terribly anxious about something.

“Calvin honey, what’s wrong?” she asked in a concerned voice. Calvin did not want to hesitate anymore; he began to bite his bottom lip, and then grabbed Katrina by the hand. As he grabbed Katrina’s hands, she noticed how sweaty his palms were, and it reminded her of the day he proposed to her.

Calvin began to look into Katrina eyes.

“Our plans will be changing for the evening, and we’re no longer going to go to our favorite restaurant.”

Katrina looked confused and waited patiently to see what Calvin was going to say next. Calvin then began to close his eyes and swallowed, preparing himself for what he was about to disclose.

“Katrina baby, I love you so much and I thank you for being patient with me. You know that I’ve been working long hours, and my wish is to take care of you. You’ve been extremely understanding, and I know that you have been ready for a long time.” And then he paused.

Calvin proceeded to say, “You’ve waited a long time for us to start our family and today I have no gift to give you which could express the love that I have felt over these past six years. So I’ve decided to show you my love, and today’s the day I would like to start preparing for our family. So Katrina if, you don’t mind, I would like to stay home tonight with my wife and soon-to-be mother of my child.”

Calvin then let go of Katrina’s hand and began to wipe her tears with the back of his hand.

“Katrina, I also know that you would like another house that’s fit for small children. Well let’s do it baby! Let’s buy that house that our children can run around in!”

There were so many tears flowing down Katrina’s face, that when Calvin wiped her tears away they ran down the back of his hand and down his arm. Katrina could not believe what she had heard. The two of them had always talked about starting a family someday. Katrina wondered if Calvin was just telling her that to keep her from leaving. It seemed like he was always making an excuse about why it was always the wrong time. And trust me when I tell you, it was always the wrong time. She was starting to give up, and it had gotten to the point that she hadn’t even mentioned having children for the last three years.

Every time Calvin’s parents would come by to visit, they would always mention wanting grandchildren and Katrina could tell by looking at Calvin, how uncomfortable that made him feel. Katrina was puzzled and wondered what changed Calvin’s mind. As quickly as she started to brainstorm about the shift in Calvin’s change of heart, she then checked herself and decided that it didn’t matter. Katrina decided to enjoy the moment. Calvin took Katrina by the hand and guided her upstairs to their bedroom, and Katrina was no longer thinking about dinner.

“Katrina, I say let’s camp in and make it a pizza night.”

“That’s perfectly fine with me.”

“Well then I better hurry up and order it now because the Snow household is about to be closed off from the rest of the world.”

“I know that’s right Mr. Calvin Snow!"

“I like how you said that Mrs. Calvin Snow. Now let’s go make some baby Snow’s.”

The two of them laughed, and the rest of the evening was timeless.

“Who’s calling at 6 o’clock in the morning?” Katrina whispered in Calvin’s ear as she got up to answer the phone, realizing that it wasn’t going to stop ringing.

“Hello,” Katrina answered in an exhausted voice.

“Well good morning Katrina,” Lady Snow said sweetly on the other end of the phone.

“I know it’s early, but we wanted to be the first to say ‘Happy Anniversary’ to you and Calvin”. Katrina laughed pointing to the phone gesturing with her mouth to Calvin that it’s his parents on the phone as she heard Pastor Snow in the background saying, “It’s Your Anniversary”. Still laughing Katrina passed the phone to Calvin.

“Hey mom, why are you up so early?”

“Well me and your father wanted to be the first to wish you and Katrina a Happy Anniversary,” she said proudly.

“Thank you mom, but our anniversary was yesterday.”

“Honey I’m so sorry, I just got my days all mixed up. I’ve just been so tired lately. Please forgive me!”

“No problem mom. Of course I forgive you. I know that you and dad have a lot of stuff on your plates,” Calvin sighs. “Mom I dread asking you this, but how have you really been feeling?”

Lady Snow never wanted her son to worry about her, so she replied with the same old answer, “Baby boy, you know I’m going to be okay.”

“Of course you are mama. You’re Lady Snow and one day very soon we’re going to make you a grandmother.”

Lady Snow couldn’t believe it – she screamed to the top of her lungs. “Calvin naw…. Are you for real?”

“Yes Ma’am, Momma! Katrina and I decided last night.”

“My God, my God,” yelled Lady Snow. “God sure does answer prayers.”

With tears streaming down her face, she was delighted to know that maybe she had a chance to live long enough to see her grandchild. As Calvin hung up the phone, he knew that his mother was ecstatic. What he didn’t know, is that her health was steadily declining, and the reality of her seeing her grandchild was slim.

Chapter 2

Girl Talk

Katrina was getting ready for her morning run when she was caught off guard by the phone ringing. She ignored the first ring, but then decided to answer it because she would feel awful if Lady Snow called needing something.

“Hello!” Katrina answers the phone.

“Hey Katrina girl! Did you miss me?”

“Yes, well of course I did,” Katrina replied with a smirk on her face, realizing that she did miss her best friend Celeste.

It had been two long weeks since she last spoke to Celeste. Katrina was a little jealous that Celeste and her husband were always traveling together. This time they took a 14-day cruise to Alaska.

“So tell me about your trip,” inquired Katrina.

“I’ll tell you all about it, but first what’s going on with you? Something in your voice just doesn’t sound right.”

Katrina hated when Celeste could tell that something was going on with her.

“Why do you always have to be in my mental, Celeste? Get out of my head!” Katrina laughed, but actually wanted to cry. “Celeste I don’t know how to feel right now.”

“What do you mean? Did Calvin give you some dreadful gift for your anniversary?”

“No, not at all,” exclaimed Katrina. Actually Calvin told me that he was ready to start a family last night.”

“That’s great news,” said Celeste, not understanding what Katrina meant because that was something she has wanted for so long.

Katrina then went on to say, “I don’t know how to feel because it’s taken him so long to get to this point. I mean, we have had some downright nasty arguments over this. Now all of a sudden, he wants to start a family. So I’m wondering what caused this shift.”

Celeste could not believe her ears.

“Katrina, does it matter where the shift came from? Maybe, just maybe, God answered your prayers and made your husband realize how significant family truly is. You always complained about how selfish he was because he’s the only child. Please don’t dwell on the past, and try to enjoy this moment of celebration. You two have made it six years, and you’re starting a family. If you don’t know how to feel about that, then maybe I need to be praying for you.”

Katrina laughed. “I know, I know Celeste, you’re right. Thank you for being my best friend and letting me know when I’m tripping.”

“No problem girl, and I’ll tell you all about my trip when I see you this weekend because girl you know my story is too long to tell you over the phone.”

Katrina hung up the phone, but still could not shake the last argument her and Calvin had about having kids.

“Katrina!” yelled Calvin from downstairs. “Baby girl! Do we have anything planned for today?”

“No, I don’t think so”, replied Katrina.

“Okay great, because if we did, we might have needed to cancel them. When I talked to my mom this morning, she seemed to be dreadfully tired on the phone, and I think we should stop by to check on her.”

“Of course, babe,” agreed Katrina.

Chapter 3

The Announcement

Calvin and Katrina pulled up to the pastor and first lady’s Snow’s house. Calvin loved visiting his parents and reminiscing in his old room. Katrina rang the doorbell, and Calvin laughed, reminding her that she’s welcome to walk straight in.

“Calvin your parents are married and free to do what married people do. I am not walking straight into the house,” she said, laughingly as the door opened.

“Well isn’t this a surprise,” said Pastor Snow as he gestured them to come in. Pastor Snow walked over to the sofa and sat beside his beautiful wife. Katrina has always admired her in-laws. They were a strong couple, and after 45 years, they still cuddled up on the couch to watch television. Katrina especially admired them because they didn’t put on a show. They were truly in love. She only hoped that she and Calvin could be just as happy. Not only is Pastor Snow a powerful man of God, he is a loyal, faithful, and committed husband.

Lady Snow had been sick for quite some time now. Her appearance had changed some, but no one seemed to notice. For some reason, she refused to let the congregation know of her illness. Although she was slowly losing weight, the members of the church must have thought she was on some sort of diet because they were always complimenting her on her weight loss. Lady Snow was always dressed to the T. She had flawless make-up, accessories accented perfectly, and a shoe collection that any woman who love shoes would die for. Unlike some first ladies of the church, she opted out of the hat game but had a wig collection for days. And for every possible hairstyle you could imagine, she probably has a wig for it. Not only is Lady Snow highly fashionable, but she also has wisdom out of this world. It seems as though every time she opens her mouth the anointing just flows; and everyone around her is captivated by her knowledge and pure heart to love God’s people.

Lady Snow also compliments the pastor remarkably well. Don’t get me wrong Pastor Snow is sharp also. He’s an extremely attractive older gentleman, and the way he takes care of his wife doesn’t go unnoticed by anyone. Katrina has always been immensely proud to have such a prestigious couple, now as her parents.

Katrina always suppressed her real feelings about her own family. In fact, Calvin knows very little about them. While they were in college, she mentioned her mother and father being dead. Due to that being a sensitive subject, Calvin always encouraged her to share whatever she felt comfortable with sharing about her family. Calvin was naive to the fact that everyone wasn’t as privileged to have parents like his. He understood that Katrina had an extremely difficult childhood and never felt comfortable opening her wounds.

Katrina shared with him that her mother died from diabetes and remembered her going for dialysis frequently. She never mentioned much about her father either, other than he died when she was extremely young, and her mother never remarried. Katrina was the only child as well, and that’s why she’s always been so adamant about starting a family of her own.

As Calvin and Katrina sat on the sectional across from Pastor and First Lady Snow, Calvin noticed that his mother looked unusually weak. He of course knew that she has been sick, but was starting to question if she had been honest about her real condition.

“Mom, I want to come over there and give you a hug but dad’s all in the way,” Calvin said jokingly.

“Boy you better get over here and hug your mom,” Pastor Snow said in a stern voice.

Calvin walked towards his mother with a grin on his face and kissed her on her cheek as he embraced her with a heartfelt hug. Calvin couldn’t help but notice how tired his mother seemed to be. “So mom, how has your treatment been going?” Calvin asked with concern.

“It’s been going okay son. It just leaves me feeling a little drained after the treatments,” Lady Snow explained.

Calvin didn’t like asking questions about her treatment, mostly because he was afraid that he would hear something he didn’t like. He was still in denial about her even having cancer. Lady Snow requested that they keep this matter between the family. Her reasoning for this was because she didn’t want to be treated differently by the people they know. The last thing she wanted was for people to throw her a pity party. Lady Snow has always had a hard time accepting help from other people because she was so used to being the person giving and serving others. Calvin walks back over to Katrina, sits down beside her and places his hand on her lap.

“So dad, has mom told you about our plans?” asked Calvin.

“Why… yes she did Calvin! So I’m trying to figure out why you over here,” he said laughing. "Shouldn’t you to be at home putting in hard work?" he asked as he winked his eye at the young couple.

"Seriously dad!" Calvin replied. “We just wanted to come by and check on you guys, and dad I don’t want you guys micromanaging our progress on the grandchild.”

Everyone burst out laughing and laughed so hard until tears formed.

One Year Later

“Even the strongest families have weak links”

Chapter 4

The Situation

“Katrina I’m tired of these mind games,” said Calvin. “We have been trying all of this time, and we are now on year seven and still no baby. We have this new house, baby room ready, all these parenting books; and still no baby.“

“Calvin you act as though we’ve been trying for seven straight years. We just started trying last year,” Katrina said as she raised her voice in frustration. “Calvin you sit here acting as though I’ve done something wrong! And how am I playing mind games with you? If it were up to me, we would’ve had a child by now, and not trying for a child,” said Katrina.

“You’re playing mind games because you say you want to get pregnant, but act like you don’t even want me to touch you. So Katrina you tell me, how are we going to have a baby if we don’t have sex?”

“See that’s the problem Calvin, I don’t want to have sex. I want you to make love to me and stop acting like making a baby with me is a chore. By the way, Calvin, I don’t know why you’re so upset because I wonder if you genuinely want a child anyway or are you just got tired of me asking you for one,” yelled Katrina. “I just don’t understand how “all of a sudden” you want to try for a baby when all this time you seemed to care less. You practically made me beg you for six years to get me pregnant, and I do not understand why I had to beg my husband to give me a child. Calvin you can’t be that selfish? Sometimes I think you want to have a child more for your mother than me.”

“What?” Calvin said flaring his nostrils. “Katrina, what did you just say,” Calvin demanded.

“You heard me Calvin, and honestly that’s how I feel. You didn’t want to have a baby with me until your mother started getting terribly sick. So, the question is if your mother weren’t sick, would we still be trying for a baby?”

“Katrina I can’t believe that you would say something like that. Like I’ve told you in the past, I was working way too many hours and didn’t want to have a baby just to have one. Believe it or not, I’m a good man and I want to be there for my child. Our first six years of marriage, I worked my tail off to make sure that you never had to worry about anything. Since the company is stable now I don’t have to work as late as I used to. So to answer your question, I’m ready to start a family and yes it would be great if my mother lived long enough to witness that. Katrina, if you want to continue to try for a baby, I suggest we seek help because I can’t handle seeing you disappointed every month when your menstrual cycle comes. So if, we’re going to do this, I suggest you make an appointment to get our situation evaluated.”

“What do you mean get our situation evaluated, Calvin? And why are you referring to us trying to make a baby, as a ‘situation’?” asked Katrina.

“Katrina it’s obvious that something is wrong. I can’t tell you how many of my friends have kids and wasn’t even trying. When you look around at your friends, they’re having babies left and right, too. You don’t get mad when people keep asking us when are ya’ll going to start having some kids? It doesn’t bother you the least bit that we’ve been trying all of this time to conceive, and Katrina, you’re still not pregnant? So as, I said, make an appointment to get our situation evaluated.”

Katrina’s eyes slowly filled with tears. Her worst fear was now becoming obvious to Calvin; something could be wrong. Katrina couldn’t deny that she was also a little nervous because they had not conceived yet. Katrina grabs her cell phone and storms out of the bedroom. As she walks downstairs, she begins to dial Celeste’s number. Katrina gets nothing but Celeste’s voicemail. After trying to call Celeste for the third time, she gives up. God always has a way of getting Katrina’s attention. Every time Katrina really needs to talk, and no one answers the phone, she takes that as a hint from God that she should be talking with him. Katrina was not raised in church and has always felt like she was never taught how to pray; therefore, Katrina has always written in a journal, pouring her heart out to God. Katrina headed back upstairs to the bedroom, walked straight to her closet, and pulled down the journal from the top shelf. Katrina slid down the closet door and sat on the floor, with tears streaming down her face, she opened her journal to find the next blank page.

Dear God,

I know that it has been a while since I last wrote to you and I’m sorry that it took so long. My heart is aching, and I’m afraid that I may not be able to have children. I don’t understand why it’s taking Calvin and me so long to get pregnant. I always hear people saying that your timing is perfect, but Calvin wants to have a baby now, so this has to be the perfect time, right? He thinks I should make an appointment with the doctor, and I agree. But God, I’m scared. I’m scared of what the doctor might say. Father God I pray that this has nothing to do with my past. God, please wrap your arms around me, because I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know what to say. Please give me the strength to call the doctor and to accept whatever they say. Well God, that’s all for now.

Your child,

Katrina

Chapter 5

Breakthrough

“You looking good First Lady,” said one of the members of the church to Lady Snow while passing by as she entered into the sanctuary.

Many of the members admire First Lady Snow from the way she carries herself, with grace and confidence. They also admire her because she’s married to a powerful man of God. Many women who go to church desire such a man. Pastor Snow is known for his integrity and loyalty to his family. Every time he approaches the pulpit to deliver the word of God, he speaks with the depth of passion that commands the congregation’s attention. Being a follower of Christ is more than just going to church and preaching a sermon on Sunday. The Snows understand that it’s a lifestyle, and one thing that they both were taught when they were younger is that you do not play with God. So when they decided to live for God, they have done just that.

Lady Snow sometimes worries about Calvin. It seems as though since she’s gotten sick that Calvin has become very distant from the church. Being distant from the church is one thing, but her concern was that Calvin has also become distant towards God.

Many families raise their children to become financially independent, and that’s how they determine how well they’ve raised their children. Lady Snow also believes that’s important, but her primary obligation was to make sure that Calvin knew God. Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it, Proverbs 22:6. Lady Snow chose to keep her illness silent for various reasons. One of the reasons was because she struggled with the maturity of the church. She figured if the church members were to know about her condition, they’d instantly go into prayer for her healing.  Lady Snow assumed that many of them would begin the question their faith and walk away from God if she was not healed. She cannot handle seeing the members disappointed as she has already witnessed the disappointment in her son, Calvin.

Not to mention the vultures. Even though, she’s fighting cancer, she still continues to pour herself out. There is no way that Lady Snow wants to reveal her illness to so many desperate women who are part of the congregation. She was afraid that if women knew of her sickness, they would start discreetly trying to get closer to the pastor, and she’s just not ready to accept such bold advances that could come his way.

Lady Snow sits down in the first pew of the church and watches as her husband kneels and prays before he takes his seat in the pulpit. Church has already begun, and Lady Snow could not wait to return home to pray privately about all the thoughts that have been running through her mind. She seldom told her husband about her mental struggles, dealing with her illness and the insecurities that came with it, but she also knew that he was aware of her pain.

As Pastor Snow approached the podium, he began to thank his wife for supporting his ministry over the years, being a good mother to their son, and being a great wife to him. As he finished his statement of acknowledging Lady Snow through his heartfelt compliments, he closed his remarks by winking at her as the church praised his efforts. Pastor Snow went on to begin his sermon with ‘a real man always acknowledges his wife.’ As he continued to bring forward the word of God, the congregation started to get fired up and excited, and that excitement grew as the organist accompanied him with music.

Lady Snow could not hold back her tears any longer. She agreed to the fact that she would not always be there for her husband. One of the ushers in a nearby aisle noticed her falling tears and handed her a Kleenex. As she began to wipe her tears, she also noticed the makeup that was coming off. At this point, she could care less if anyone noticed the pale pigmentation in her face. Everyone was so caught up in the spirit. The church broke out in a praise break that no one noticed the pain she was enduring; but the usher saw something in her eyes that she had never seen before.

Lady Snow carried herself as such a strong woman, and her demeanor has always been very intimidating.  It was very rare for anyone to see her weak and look so vulnerable. The usher then began to approach Lady Snow with her arms stretched out, offering her a hug and compassion. Without hesitation, Lady Snow fell into her arms and cried endlessly. By this time, Pastor Snow was finished with his sermon and saw his wife finally breaking down. He signaled for the associate pastor to wrap up service for him. Pastor Snow walked down to the front of the pulpit past the altar, towards Lady Snow. He tapped on the usher’s shoulder and nodded his head insinuating that it was okay for her to be released to him. Pastor Snow wrapped his arms around his wife and held her until they were the only two left in the sanctuary. No words were spoken, only tears being shed from the both of them.

Chapter 6

The Appointment

“Hello, Calvin Snow’s office!”

“Hello Clarissa, it’s Katrina. Is my hard-working husband available?”

“Hello Mrs. Snow, one moment please while I transfer you.”

“This is Calvin Snow!”

“Hey honey, it’s me, Katrina!”

“Hello Katrina,” replied Calvin as he sipped on his coffee.

“Calvin I’m sorry to bother you at work, and for not saying a lot to you at home, but I’ve been thinking about our conversation and have made an appointment for us to see a doctor.”

“Us?” replied Calvin.

“Yes, us, Calvin. When I made the appointment they suggested that we both undergo a comprehensive infertility examination.”

“Okay, when is it?” asked Calvin.

“It’s today at 6 o’clock, or we can wait until next month, but that’s the only available appointment right now because someone canceled.”

“Well then I guess we’ll just have to go today. Email me the address and I can meet you there right after work.”

Katrina takes a deep breath. “Okay Calvin, I’ll see you there. Hey Calvin!” said Katrina desperately trying to catch him before he hangs up the phone.

“Yes Katrina,” Calvin responded sounding annoyed.

“I love you,” says Katrina.

Calvin smiled and said, “Katrina, I love you too babe. I’ll see you soon.”

It's 6 o’clock and Calvin seems to be getting stopped by every red light on the street again, reminding him of the time he was coming home to reveal to Katrina that he was ready to start a family. He couldn’t deny the fact that he was nervous. It was obvious by how sweaty his hands felt against the steering wheel. Calvin did know what to do to calm his nerves. He wanted to pray. He felt bad because he hadn’t spoken to God in such a long time. The last time he spoke to God he asked Him to heal his mother, but of course she was still sick. He wasn’t sure if he still had confidence in his prayers but was willing to pray again.

Calvin began to pray out loud. “God I don’t understand my life sometimes. You have blessed me with loving parents, a successful career, a beautiful wife, and not to mention we don’t want for anything, but it’s crazy because even though I have all of that, I now desire a child more than ever. My wife thinks that I really don’t want a child, but the truth is that I’m just afraid of failing as a father. My father was great to me. How can I compete with that? How can I be the man my father is. And now that Katrina and I are actually trying for a child, month after month after month, nothing happens. Could this be my biggest failure? Could it be possible that I cannot give my wife a child? God I’m afraid that she is going to leave me. I know how badly she wants to have a baby, and honestly she deserves to have one. She’s a sweet woman, and I can be a better husband to her. God if you bless us with a child I promise to take care of that child, and teach it to love you. In Jesus name, I pray Amen.”

Calvin pulls up to the doctor’s office and sees Katrina desperately waiting for him in front of the clinic. Calvin parks his car, opens the car door and feels the cold air hit his face like needles. He slowly approaches Katrina walking slowly as if he’s a child in trouble.

“Hey baby I was getting worried,” says Katrina.

“No worries, I’m here. Are you ready to go inside?” asked Calvin.

“Yep let’s get this over with,” Katrina says in a sarcastically happy voice.

Calvin takes a seat while Katrina signs them in at the receptionist’s desk. The receptionist hands Katrina paperwork to be completed by her and Calvin.

Katrina then joins Calvin in the waiting area, sits beside him and whispers in his ear, “Calvin, I feel nauseous.”

Calvin grabbed her hand and told her that everything was going to be okay. She hands Calvin his paperwork, and they begin to answer questions regarding their past medical history.

The door beside the receptionist opens, and the awkward moment that Katrina dreaded was finally here. A young female doctor approached the couple.

“Mr. and Mrs. Snow?” Katrina and Calvin both nodded their heads agreeing that she had approached the correct couple. “Please follow me into my office,” the doctor instructed.

Calvin and Katrina sat down on a very nice brown leather sofa. The aroma in the office was very pleasantly scented with a pumpkin spice fragrance. The doctor sat across from them behind her desk and began to ask questions about what caused them to think they were experiencing infertility issues. As the couple explained their concerns, the doctor agreed that the infertility testing was appropriate. The doctor further explained what types of testing they would undergo during the appointment. Calvin was immediately uncomfortable when she mentioned a specimen collection.

“Um Dr.,” Calvin continued to look for the rest of her name on her desk plate, “Dr. Owens. What exactly do you mean by specimen collection?” asked Calvin.

“We will need to collect a sample of your semen to get accurate sperm count; this is done here in the office by masturbation. You will be placed in a comfortable room in order for you to have privacy. Once the specimen’s collected, it will be analyzed under a microscope,” stated Dr. Owens.

“I’m okay with the blood sample and the health assessment, but a specimen collection…” Calvin replied.

Calvin felt Katrina’s eyes piercing his face, reminding him that it was his idea to be seen by the doctor anyways. Calvin then agreed to the testing that was necessary for them to have an accurate evaluation. The doctor then guided Calvin and Katrina in separate directions to complete their testing.

Katrina was still feeling very nauseous and sat down so that the phlebotomists could draw her blood. After she was done with having her blood drawn, she was then escorted into a private exam room. There, Katrina was instructed by a medical assistant, to remove her clothes and to put on a paper gown for examination. Katrina immediately started to cry hysterically, and the medical assistant asked cautiously if everything was okay? Katrina then asked to speak with the doctor. The medical assistant immediately left the room to get the doctor, closing the door firmly behind her. Katrina heard two loud knocks on the door.

“Mrs. Snow, its Dr. Owens. Can I come in?” Katrina replies yes, and Dr. Owens enters the room. “Is there something I can help you with Katrina?” asked Dr. Owens.

“I’m scared,” whispered Katrina.

“I understand,” said Dr. Owens. “Katrina what are you most afraid of? After we have the results to all of your tests, we can better understand your situation and what the possible options are,” Dr. Owens explained.

“It’s not that Dr. Owens,” said Katrina. I’ve never had a Pap smear before.”

“Never?” asked Dr. Owens.

“I always heard how comfortable they were for women and chose not to have one. Now I’m afraid that I could have prevented all this, if only I would have gotten screened earlier,” Katrina said as she cried.

“I understand,” said Dr. Owens. “What’s important is that you’re here now. I’ll walk you through the whole procedure. You’ll be fine Katrina.”

”Is it okay for me to begin Katrina?” asked Dr. Owens.

Katrina laid back onto the table and said yes with confidence.

About an hour after testing, the couple was called into the office and was told that they would have the results from their exam within 3 to 5 business days.

“So that’s it?” Katrina asked the doctor.

“Yes for now,” Dr. Owens explained. “Once we get the results back, we can then discuss your options,” Dr. Owens said in a compassionate way.

Calvin stood up first and then reached for Katrina’s hand to assist her up. They both thanked Dr. Owens and exited her office. As the two of them continued to the parking lot, there was an eerie silent feeling. They then proceeded to get into their cars to go home. However, without any words being spoken, they both knew that while they were waiting for their results, it was going to be very difficult for them at home.

Chapter 7

Weak Moments

It’s after midnight and Lady Snow cannot sleep even though she forces her eyes shut for nearly two hours. She can’t help but think about what happened at church last Sunday. The way her husband held her in his arms was priceless and she kept playing the remembrance over and over again in her head. She never wanted the pastor to see how hard it really was for her to face the reality of her illness and the fact that she may die soon. She also realized that her illness had to be weighing on the pastor, too. Which is one of the reasons why it does not bother her for him stay up and not go to bed with her at night.

They used to go to bed at the same time every night, but lately the pastor would stay up to pray. She knew that this must be a crucial time for him as well and did not want to complain about what time he comes to bed. But this time it was different. It was approximately 2 AM in the morning, and the pastor still was not in the bed yet, which is probably one of the reasons why she could not go to sleep. Lady Snow got up out of the bed and started to walk down the hallway. She didn’t hear anything, not even the TV, so she knew that he wasn’t up watching some old reruns of his favorite shows; therefore, instead of checking in the living room, she proceeded to his office.

The door was slightly cracked, the lights were off, but she noticed that he had his headphones plugged up to the computer. And the glow from the computer screen was just enough light to notice him masturbating. Lady Snow couldn't believe what she just saw. All of a sudden she could not breathe, and it felt as though her lungs were about to collapse. She swiftly but quietly returned back to their bedroom, climbed into bed, and started to make a puddle of tears on her pillow. She didn’t have to see the computer screen to know what he was looking at. Lady Snow wiped her tears and instead of feeling sorry for herself and her current situation, she instantly turned into defense mode.

All this time she was hiding her illness. She was afraid that the women at her church would begin to prey upon the pastor’s weaknesses. She was so focused on praying for herself, Calvin, and Katrina that she forgot to pray for the pastor. She didn’t pray for him as much as she could have and now Satan had crept into their house through the computer. Lady Snow had her guard down, thinking that all bases were covered, not realizing that the temptation was still strong for a lonely man who has not been intimate with his wife for over a year.

Lady Snow tried her best to please the pastor, but her illness created difficult challenges. If Lady Snow wasn't tired, then she was sick, and if she wasn’t sick, then her husband couldn’t touch her due to the danger of her exposing him to her radiology treatments. However, she never thought that things could get that awful. Her husband was a powerful man of God, for crying out loud. Then Lady Snow realized that she had put her husband on a pedestal like all the other members of their church. She forgot that he was still a man and that he still had to fight against flesh daily. Instead of going to sleep, Lady Snow stayed up all night praying.

When Pastor Snow finally came to bed, he didn’t even notice that Lady Snow was still awake because her back was facing the door, which is his side of the bed. As she felt the covers pull back and the mattress began to sink in, she couldn’t help but think about what she had just witnessed. As Pastor Snow began to fall into a deep sleep and snore, she continued to pray silently but boldly and loud in her mind.

The next morning, Lady Snow got out of bed when it made sense to. Because she never actually went to sleep, she didn’t want to get out of bed too early. She went directly to the kitchen to fix some coffee for her and Pastor Snow as she did every morning. But on this morning, the last thing she needed was some coffee. She continued with her normal morning routine, not wanting the Pastor to suspect anything. She couldn’t wait until he woke up. She knew that he had to get up soon. Besides, he had a morning meeting at the church. Curiosity was killing her. She had to find out how long he had been watching porn. Could it have been over a year, when they stopped being intimate? For some reason, she had to know how long this had been going on. Lady Snow heard the toilet flush from upstairs and knew that the Pastor must be up and getting ready for the meeting. After about forty minutes, he entered into the kitchen.

“Good morning honey,” said Lady Snow.

“Good morning to you beautiful,” replied Pastor Snow.

Lady Snow smiled as she wondered if he sincerely meant it when he called her beautiful.

“I have your coffee ready for you,” said Lady Snow as she passed him his thermal cup. “What time should I expect you back home from the meeting?” asked Lady Snow.

Pastor Snow responded, “I’ll be back before noon.”

Lady Snow smiled and kissed him on his way out of the door.  She knew that she had more than enough time to search through his computer to see how long he’d been watching porn, and anything else that he had been up to.

Lady Snow poured her coffee into the sink and headed back upstairs to be nosey. She knew that she wasn’t going to like what she would find and contemplated if she really wanted to go through with it. After convincing herself that if she knew how long that this has been going on, she would know how bad it was and could know what she was up against. Lady Snow sat in the chair and scooted herself closer to the desk. She turned the computer on; entered the password, only to find out that it had been changed. This was confirmation that Pastor Snow was surely hiding something. Lady Snow knew that he had to have been watching porn, but there was no real proof. She got up from the chair, remembering to shut the computer off and headed back to her bedroom.

As Lady Snow climbed back into the bed, she was restless, trying to figure out how she could convince Pastor Snow to give the password to the computer to her. After thinking of several scenarios, before she knew it, she had finally fallen asleep.

The bedroom door opened, and it was Pastor Snow. Lady Snow sat up and looked him straight in the eyes. Although she was still exhausted, she managed to wake up and acknowledge his presence.

“What time is it?” Lady Snow asked.

“It's 2:15 honey. How are you feeling? I’ve been home for quit some time now and you’ve been knocked out, dead sleep the whole time,” Pastor Snow said.

“I feel okay. Just a little tired,” replied Lady Snow. “But since you’re here I have a question, or should I say an idea I’d like to run past you,” expressed Lady Snow.

“Okay, I’m all ears!” answered Pastor Snow.

“Well since I’m over the women’s ministry at the church, I’d like to organize a workshop since I’ve not done so in a while because of my health. And since I’ve been feeling okay, I’d like to start on it right away. So what do you think Pastor?”

Pastor Snow smiled with excitement because Lady Snow hasn’t been really active in church since she started her chemo treatment again. Without hesitation, Pastor Snow agreed that this was an awesome idea and couldn’t wait to announce the Women’s Workshop to the church. Lady Snow then asked her husband to follow her to the home office so he could log her into the computer right away because she couldn’t wait to get started while she had the motivation. Pastor Snow was more than happy to assist her in whatever she needed to get started. Due to all the excitement about the workshop, he didn’t think about his secret possibly being exposed.

Lady Snow knew that she had the perfect opportunity to find out what the Pastor had been up to and that he probably hadn't gone into the office since he’d been home from the morning meeting. The two of them walked into the office and Lady Snow sat down in the chair as Pastor Snow proceeded to prepare the computer for her.

Lady Snow didn't use the computer often, so this was all very normal to Pastor Snow. Once the computer was up, Pastor Snow walked towards the door as if he was leaving. But instead, he grabbed the chair that was in the corner and sat it right next to her. Lady Snow was furious. She felt bad about making up this whole workshop stuff, but now she really had to come up with something because he was sitting right beside her eager to see what her plans were. She was also angry because she couldn't tell if he was doing this because he was hiding something on the computer that he didn't want to be discovered.

Lady Snow sat in front of the computer hoping that something would come to mind, and fast. She instantly thought about unity among the women at church and how they could develop more trust. Bingo! Lady Snow finally had her topic and began typing out her plans, wondering how long the Pastor was going to sit there. After about fifteen minutes of typing and discussing her plans (making them up as she went along) with the Pastor, the phone rang. She insisted that Pastor Snow answer the phone in the other room, jokingly saying that it’s always for him anyway, and she needed to not be distracted.

Pastor Snow got up and answered the call right before it was about to send the caller to voicemail. This gave Lady Snow enough time to search through the computer’s history for evidence to confirm her suspicion. She heard Pastor Snow talking from their bedroom and realized that it was Calvin calling. She knew that the conversation would be lengthy and was confident that she had enough time to play detective. She already knew exactly where to look because she witnessed Pastor Snow monitoring Calvin’s computer usage when he was in high school. She began to click on the necessary screens to view the history. The closer she got, the more ill she felt. Finally, she was at the computer history and one more click would open up the file folder displaying the website addresses visited.

Click! There it was. She so badly wanted to be wrong, but her suspicions were correct. She went back three months prior, and there were even more porn sites visited. She closed the screens as quickly as she opened them, realizing that the situation was worse than she had originally thought. She could still hear Pastor Snow on the phone and could tell by her husband’s lack of words, that Calvin was doing all the talking and that meant one thing… Problems!

Calvin wasn’t typically a big talker, unless he had a lot to say. This in most cases meant that something was wrong. Lady Snow was numb and could no longer pretend to organize a fake workshop. She was very disappointed in her findings and was trying to not show any emotion. The last thing she wanted to do was to reveal that she was snooping and that the Pastor was dumb enough to assist her. She exited off of the computer, stood up and walked away from the desk in disgust.

Lady Snow enters their bedroom and whispers to Pastor Snow, “is everything alright?”

He notions back to her that Calvin is upset and worried. She wondered what was going on with Calvin, but couldn’t help but to think about her own pain at that moment. Lady Snow told Pastor that she going downstairs to pray. Of course he thought she was going to pray for Calvin, but had no idea that she was about to go before the Lord on his behalf as well. Her eyes started to fill with tears as she turned around to head downstairs. Before she knew it, she blinked, and huge teardrops began to fall and roll down her cheek onto the carpet, leaving a trail as she walked down the staircase into the den. She was still very angry and upset, but knew that she had to put her emotions aside in order to fight against the evil that was coming up against her family. Although everything in her wanted to slap, kick, or punch the Pastor, the reality was that she also knew that because of his loneliness caused by her cancer, he had become vulnerable.

It was time to pray and ask God to increase his strength. Lady Snow fell to her knees and began to cry out to the Lord. She began to pray in tongues, and before she knew it, Pastor was standing over her in tears, too. He didn’t know what caused his wife to cry out so much, but he wanted to support her, as he could tell that she was carrying a heavy burden. He automatically thought that she was praying for strength to continue to deal with her disease and/or for Calvin and whatever he was facing, but he had no idea what she had really brought before the Lord in prayer.

Lady Snow stood up feeling very weak and tired. Without saying a word, she walked over to the couch and curled up into ball. Keeping her eyes shut, tears still continued to fall until there were no more tears to cry. Pastor Snow lifted up her head and placed it on his lap, stroking her hair gently, seeing her still as beautiful as before. The two of them fell asleep on the couch just like they used to do when they first got married.

Chapter 8

Heart to Heart

“Calvin who were you on the phone with?” asked Katrina. “You haven’t talked to me in a couple of days, and I’m worried about us. I know that you said you’ve been working late, but it seems like you’re just trying to avoid me.”

“If you must know Katrina, I was talking with my father” replied Calvin.

“Okay, but why can’t you talk to me Calvin?” asked Katrina.

“To be honest with you Katrina, it’s not you, it’s this whole situation. My mom is sick and dying of cancer, and we would like to start a family, just to find out that something may be wrong. Well obviously something is apparently wrong. Do you know how humiliating that was for me to go to the doctor’s office; and for my examination I had to jack off in order to have my specimen collected? Everything in life just doesn’t make sense to me right now. This is a hard place to be in, so if I seem a little distant, please do not take it personal.”

Katrina understood the case that he was trying to make, but was upset because he seemed to not realize that she was going through all of this with him. After Calvin expressed his feelings to Katrina, she knew that she was left on her own to deal with the hurt and disappointment she was facing within their marriage. The only thing that she dreaded the most was feeling alone. It was clear that Calvin was isolating himself and Katrina withdrew as well. Their house became two hurting people who avoided being comforted by one another. Since Katrina could no longer talk to Calvin, and her best friend Celeste couldn’t understand what they were going through, she decided to write in her journal to God.

Katrina went upstairs and entered into their bedroom, walked into the closet and once again grabbed her journal from the top shelf.

As soon as she sat down on the bed, she heard Calvin yell upstairs, “Who did you go upstairs to call?”

Katrina replied, “I’ve decided to talk to Jesus since I don’t have a father to call to comfort me and my significant other had isolated himself and told me not to take it personal.”

Katrina got up from the bed very annoyed, walked over to the door, locked it, and returned back to her seat on the bed. Before she started to write, she stared at the wall and began to reminisce on the argument they had several years back about having a child. Every once in a while the words that were spoken still hurt deeply. The reason why Calvin’s words hurt so much was because he said everything jokingly as if his words had no sting. But he had to have known that he hurt her, thought Katrina. The conversation started out with Katrina admiring Celeste’s new baby.

Katrina was holding this beautiful baby in her arms and looked over at Calvin and said, “This is going to be us one day baby!”

Calvin looked back at her and said, “No, you can just go get Celeste’s baby and babysit”.

Later on that evening when they arrived home from the cookout, Katrina looked at Calvin and asked, “Why don’t you want to have children?”

Calvin instantly became very defensive and replied by saying, “Why do you feel like we have to have children to prove our love for each other?”

This put Katrina into an uproar.

“That’s not the reason why I want to have children, Calvin, and you know that, ”yelled Katrina. “I don’t have any family, and I didn’t grow up spoiled like you. You barely even go to see your mother, and you always seem to be too busy for your Father!”

“That’s enough Katrina!” Calvin yelled.  "I do go see my mother," said Calvin.

Katrina looked at Calvin and rolled her eyes and mumbled under her breath, “yeah now. Calvin, the problem isn’t us having children; it’s you not having time for anyone else but you. Life doesn’t mean anything unless you can love and share it with other people. It’s sad that it took for your mother to be diagnosed with cancer for you to make time for her. Why does something extreme have to happen for you to make time with other people valuable Calvin?” Katrina asked with concern.

That was all that Calvin needed to hear. After that night, he spent more hours at work. Katrina sometimes regretted some of the comments that she made towards Calvin that night because she felt like she pushed him away. And when things finally turned around, and Calvin and Katrina were at their strongest point in their marriage, they realized that their desire to have children might just be a dream.

Katrina sat on the bed and began to write in her journal to God.

Dear God,

These last few days have been crazy, and I don’t know how much I can take. The doctor said that it would take us about three days to get our results back, but it feels more like a lifetime. God help me to be there for my husband, and help him to be there for me. I’m so afraid of these results. Could it be true that I may not be able to have children? You have gotten me through some really tough times in my life, and I trust you with this situation, too. I have tried to cover up my pain for so long, but I’m tired of faking like I have everything together. Calvin wants me to be there for him, but he won’t let me. God he has no idea what I’ve been through and how much I really need him. Please help me God, please.

Your child,

Katrina

Just as, Katrina closed the journal, she heard the phone ring, and she felt like she was going to faint. Calvin must’ve been afraid to answer the phone as well because the phone was already on its third ring. Finally, she heard Calvin answer the phone. She walked over and looked down at the caller ID, and it was Dr. Owen’s office. She didn’t know if she should feel happy or sad, but she could recognize that there is some relief that they finally received a call. She was so anxious to know the results, so she ran downstairs and stood next to Calvin. Calvin put the phone on speaker so that Katrina could hear every word.

“Calvin and Katrina, this is Dr. Owens. I wanted to first thank you for being patient and wanted to let you all know that we do have your results back from your examinations. Are you free to come in sometime today to go over the findings?” asked Dr. Owens.

“Yes we’re free; we could be there within an hour,” replied Calvin.

Dr. Owens agreed to the time and hung up the phone. Katrina became lightheaded again and asked Calvin for verification asking, “Calvin did she say findings? What does that mean? What do you think she found?”

In a stern and frustrated voice, Calvin replied, “I don’t know Katrina. Let’s just get ready and go to her office, and please do not ask me any more questions or try to have me interpret what the doctor just said.”

Katrina walked over to Calvin and put her arms around him and started to cry.

“I’m sorry Calvin; things have always been so hard for me in my life. And now something as simple as conceiving a child has become difficult, too,” Katrina said in a disappointed tone.

Calvin kissed Katrina on her forehead and said to her, “Let’s get this over with, so that we will know what our options are. People have problems having babies everyday and there are so many methods of conceiving now. I’m not worried about us. We may have to do in vitro or something like that, but the good news is that there are options.”

Chapter 9

Truth Hurts

Calvin and Katrina sat patiently in the waiting room, waiting for Dr. Owens to call them back. They took turns looking at each other, and it was very obvious that the both of them were very scared and nervous. Calvin’s eyes started to fill with tears. Instead of letting them fall, he would hold them back with everything in him. His emotions were getting the best of him, and he couldn’t deny that he really wanted a child at this point in his life. Calvin reached over and grabbed Katrina’s hand and began to caress her hand with his thumb. Katrina just closed her eyes and digested the moment, realizing that she and Calvin were in this together.

She looked around the room at the other couples, realizing that she wasn’t alone and that they were there for probably very similar reasons. She noticed that one lady was pregnant and that in itself gave her hope. Katrina couldn’t understand why she was so nervous because she didn’t even know the results of her test yet. She has always been a worrier; therefore, she has always prepared herself for the worst-case scenario. She figured that if she could handle the worst-case scenario, that maybe she was setting herself up for success in minimizing the disappointment. After all, nothing may be seriously wrong, she thought to herself.

Before they knew it, Dr. Owens appeared in front of them inviting them back to her office. The couple sat down in hesitation and was skeptical about Dr. Owens’ demeanor. They could tell that something was different about Dr. Owens. She sat across from them as though she had the information that she dreaded to disclose. After several minutes of meaningless conversation and dialogue that lacked any kind of depth, Calvin and Katrina were starting to lose their patience. Dr. Owens realized the couple’s frustration and began to get down to the reason why the Snows were in her office anyway.

Dr. Owens opened up their file and began to speak. “Okay Mr. and Mrs. Snow, we have the results back from the examinations and I wanted to cover a couple of areas with you. After reviewing the tests carefully, it was very obvious what the prominent problem is in the both of you. It appears that the both of you have contracted chlamydia at some point in time, and it has gone untreated for a very long period of time. Katrina in your case because the disease has gone untreated for so long you have now developed a case of PID. PID stands for Pelvic Inflammatory Disease. This is very common when there are no signs and symptoms of the chlamydia disease. Mrs. Snow, do you know how long you could have possibly been infected with chlamydia?” asked Dr. Owens.

Katrina did not respond but instead stared at an imageless spot on the wall. Once Dr. Owens realized that Katrina was not going to respond she went ahead and proceeded with the report.

“As far as infertility, there would have to be further tests performed to indicate how much damage was done to your tubes, which is the scarring caused by the infection. Scarring can stop the egg and sperm meeting or can block the fertilized eggs journey down the tube, leading to a tubal pregnancy which must be removed via medicine or surgery as it cannot develop there and can cause serious complications to your health. Mr. Snow, as mentioned, you as well will need to be treated for chlamydia. Through the testing, I cannot determine who has had the disease longer, but the disease seems to have caused you to have a low sperm count, meaning that you have probably had the disease for a lengthy amount of time. This does not mean that you will not be able to ever father a child; this simply means that a low sperm count decreases the odds that one of your sperm will fertilize your partner's egg, resulting in pregnancy. Nonetheless, many men who have a low sperm count are still able to become fathers.”

Dr. Owens could definitely see the disappointment and the shock on both of their faces. She then proceeded, “Well first things first. I will be prescribing you some antibiotics that will get rid of the chlamydia.

Before the doctor could finish her statement, Katrina interrupted her by asking, “How in the world could I have chlamydia when I have only been with my husband?”

Calvin butted in, “Katrina, are you sure that you want to have this conversation here?”

Katrina replied, “Oh it’s going to be more than a conversation that we’re going to have.

“Whatever Katrina!”

“Dr. Owens if that’s all can we please get our, I can’t believe I’m about to say this ‘prescriptions’ so that we can leave? If there’s anything else that needs to be discussed, I would like to come back on another day. I’m not sure how much more I can take of this tonight.”

Dr. Owens handed Calvin and Katrina their prescriptions. “Mr. and Mrs. Snow, I understand that this is a very difficult time for you and I would be more than happy to answer any questions that you may have or discuss further treatment if you would like to move forward with your options for conception; which we can discuss after you’ve finished taking your antibiotics.” If there’s nothing else, you’re free to leave.”

Calvin got up from his seat and walked out the door without shaking the doctor’s hand, in which she offered. It was obvious that Katrina was upset, confused, and hurt. Although Calvin had already walked out the door, Katrina remained seated and speechless. This was one day that she wished they hadn’t ridden together. Katrina gets to the parking lot, and Calvin has already started the car. On a normal day, he would’ve gotten out, walked around the car, and opened up her door for her, but not today and of course there was nothing normal about today.

Katrina got in the car and slammed the door as hard as she could, surprisingly the window didn’t shatter. Calvin said nothing, but his body language and his bloodshot red eyes furious with anger said enough.

Their ride home was very quiet, not even the radio was playing. Katrina felt much betrayed by Calvin. There were so many questions that ran through her mind. Who was the woman he was seeing? When in their marriage did this affair occur? Is that why Calvin always claimed to work so late? She had so many questions and knew that her silence wasn’t going to last long.

Katrina realized that they didn’t take the normal route home and began to wonder where Calvin was taking them. Before she got up enough nerve to ask, she realized that they were actually pulling up to a local drugstore. Calvin said nothing, but reached out his hand symbolically asking for her to hand him the prescription. Instead, Katrina refused.

“Calvin I can do it myself. How about I do me and you do you, since apparently you’ve been doing you already,” said Katrina sarcastically.

“You’re a real piece of work Katrina,” replied Calvin as he got out the car.

They both walked into the pharmacy together but separately. After giving the pharmacist their prescriptions to fill, they walked around the store over an hour to waste time avoiding each other as they walked down the various aisles as if they were strangers. Once the prescriptions were ready, they walked out of the store together yet still separately as though they had never met. Shortly after that, they arrived at their house, and both Calvin and Katrina could tell that it was about to be war in their home. They walked through the front door, and all hell was about to break loose.

Chapter 10

Date Night

Lady Snow woke up to find her husband gazing at her, not realizing how long she’d been asleep.

"I must've been tired. I can't believe I fell asleep like that," said Lady Snow.

Pastor Snow grinned and said, “But I enjoyed it.”

It was well into the evening, and they did not have any plans at all. Lady Snow kept thinking about how much she loved her husband but also knew how much her illness was hurting him. She was confused because her initial reaction was anger, but then when she sat back and analyzed the whole situation. Her emotions went from anger to deep sadness.

She knew that she had to change the situation with everything in her and put all of her energy into helping her husband survive her illness, too. Although her libido has changed drastically and she has not had a desire for sexual intimacy with her husband in so long, she was afraid that the enemy would use this against them. What Satan didn’t realize, is that God is on their side, and this too shall pass, which were the thoughts that ran through Lady Snow’s mind as she started to regain her spiritual strength.

The characteristic about Lady Snow that everyone seemed to admire was her courageousness, her persistence, and that she was a fighter. Not a physical fighter but a spiritual fighter. Throughout Lady Snow’s life, so much adversity had come up against her, but she was always determined to make it through with the help of the Lord. This time was no different. It was in her to get through this.

She made up in her mind that she was on a mission to save her marriage and to support her husband through his vulnerable state of being. Pastor Snow pours so much of his virtue out into the congregation, and now he’s in a difficult place in life and feels like no one is there for him. The last thing Lady Snow is going to tolerate is for the enemy to come into their home and play on her husband’s vulnerability. She knew exactly what she had to do. She was going to wow her husband and put him in awe of her once again.

Lady Snow stood up and put her hand on Pastor Snow’s shoulder. “Baby I know that we haven’t spent a lot of quality time together, and I know that you may be afraid of how much time I actually have left with you. Unfortunately, those are questions that I really don’t have the answer to, but I will tell you that we’re going to celebrate each day we have together and make the most of it, starting today. So, I know it’s getting late, but since we already have taken a very long nap, what do you say about getting dressed and going out to eat, at the nicest restaurant in town?” asked Lady Snow.

Pastor Snow couldn’t believe what he was hearing. It has been so long that he couldn’t even remember when the last time Lady Snow felt well enough and had enough energy to go out on the town for a date in which they both used to enjoy so much. Without hesitation, Pastor Snow agreed and pulled his wife close to him by the waist, looking her straight into her eyes, and gave her the sweetest, passionate kiss imaginable.

The two of them headed upstairs to prepare for their special night.

Lady Snow entered into the bedroom, and knew exactly what she wanted to wear for their outing. Pastor Snow was the first to jump into the shower excited about his renewed excitement in his life. While he was in the shower, Lady Snow headed straight for the closet grabbing the dress she never thought that she would wear. At first she hesitated with fear that the pastor would reject her outfit. Instead, she insisted that she was not going to look distinctively as a first lady tonight, but as a wife who was determined to keep her husband’s attention.

While Pastor Snow was still in the shower, she carefully opened the bathroom door being instantly emerged into the steam as it quickly tried to escape into the fresh air. The mirror was full of condensation from the steam. She quickly leaned over the bathroom sink taking her index finger and began to write, “I love you” onto the bathroom mirror.

Back in the bedroom, she carefully laid her little black dress onto the bed, making sure that it was visible to her husband the moment he walked out of the bathroom. Lady Snow then went downstairs to call the restaurant to make their reservation. As Pastor Snow got out of the shower, the first thing he saw was “I love you” written on the mirror. He didn’t know what was happening, but felt like God was finally answering his prayers. He continued into the bedroom and noticed the dress that his wife had picked out to wear for their date. The dress took him by surprise. He didn’t even know that his wife owned such a dress, but he loved it. The dress was sexy and sophisticated at the same time. Lady Snow’s plan worked. All Pastor Snow could do was imagine her wearing that dress.

Meanwhile, Lady Snow was downstairs in the kitchen. After making their reservation, she sat at the breakfast bar looking at their wedding picture hanging on the wall in the hallway. The pain was still strong from finding out about her husband’s porn problem less than twelve hours prior. Everything in her wanted to confront him, but she knew that it takes a better woman to take the issue to the Lord. She felt like she was in competition and was not sure how long she could keep the pastor’s mind occupied.

Without further frustration, she headed back upstairs to get dressed. Upon entering the room, she could smell the sweet aroma of her husband’s favorite cologne. Pastor Snow’s back was to her as he was putting on his tie. No words were exchanged; she simply went into the bathroom to freshen up for the evening.

Without a doubt, Lady Snow knew that Pastor Snow saw the dress. “Honey would you mind handing me my dress?” asked Lady Snow.

Pastor Snow handed her the dress and even helped her into it. As he began to zip it up, he kissed Lady Snow on the shoulder and whispered in her ear, “It’s like I’m falling in love with you all over again.” Lady Snow smiled and turned around greeting him with a kiss. While on of the inside she was screaming, “Thank you Lord! I believe you turned my husband’s heart back to me!”

Chapter 11

Boiling Point

“So how long are you are you going to avoid talking to me Calvin?” yelled Katrina. “What? Are you mad that I found out that you haven’t been faithful to me?” asked Katrina.

“Faithful? Faithful? You want to have a conversation with me about me being faithful? I’m sorry to disappoint you Katrina, but you need to stop being in denial, and admit that you’ve been caught,” said Calvin in a very calm voice.

“Don’t try to put it on me Calvin, you’re nasty and you didn’t even have enough respect for me to use protection!” exclaimed Katrina. Katrina went on and on accusing Calvin of cheating on her. She had all the evidence that she needed that he had been unfaithful. “I should’ve known you couldn’t stop being wild. I remember all the girls that you had before me in college. I was stupid to think that you could only be with one woman,” said Katrina.

The fact that Calvin was not responding to her allegations was making her even more furious. By this time, Calvin had had enough. He started breathing heavily, and his eyes filled up with tears in rage.

“Enough!” yelled Calvin at the top of his lungs and throwing the pill bottles at her. “I have never cheated on you Katrina! I’m a hard worker, I love my family, and I honor my vows. It’s unfortunate that you can’t recognize a good man when you have one. You messed up, and I’m done. I have proof that I have never cheated on you,” said Calvin with confidence.

“You had to have given this to me. I can’t believe my wife gave me chlamydia! “Calvin cried out. “Katrina I married you because I thought that you were the one woman that I could actually trust,” said Calvin.

Katrina looked Calvin square in the eyes. “I have never cheated on you Calvin. I’m not sure what was going on.” Katrina could tell that Calvin was telling the truth too.

“Calvin I believe you, and there must be some explanation for all of this. The doctor said that we’ve had it for quite some time. Since I was a virgin when we got married, you must have contracted it while you were still in college,” suggested Katrina.

“I don’t think so Katrina. In fact, I know that’s not the case. Since you say that you’ve never cheated on me, then you must have not been a virgin when we met. The fact is that this came from you. It’s true that I’ve been with a lot of women. However, I cared so much about you that I got tested for all diseases before we got married, and I have been faithful to you our whole marriage. Katrina if you don’t believe me, I’d be more than happy to show you my medical records,” Calvin explained.

Katrina was very confused, and her heart was breaking because Calvin could actually think that she had been with someone other than him.

“Calvin I swear that I never cheated on you and I promise that I was a virgin until I married you,” explained Katrina with tears rolling down her face.

“You’re a deceitful whore! You told me that you were a virgin, and I believed you. Reality check Katrina, virgins don’t give people STD’s,” Calvin replied.

Katrina had enough of being insulted. She grabbed her keys and was ready to get out the house. She had no idea where she was going but anywhere was better than where she was. Her marriage was crumbling right before her eyes. She kept replaying Calvin’s voice in her head saying, “I’m done.”

She had no way of convincing Calvin that she was telling the truth. The fact that he had medical records showing that he had been tested before they got married left her even more puzzled. If everything that Calvin said were true, then there was only one way that this could have occurred. Katrina dreaded to think about “That Night.” After all, she tried so hard for Calvin to never find out about “That Night.” There was one thing for sure, that Calvin must never read her journal. She knew that if he was at home looking for it that he was out of luck. She was so happy when the phone rang earlier as she was writing in it. She threw it in her purse instead because she had no time to put it back in the closet.

The more Katrina thought about “That Night”, the more she got sick. As bad as she wanted to talk to Celeste, she knew that she couldn’t because even Celeste didn’t know about “That Night.” She didn’t know what to do, so she just drove. She tried everything in her power to forget about “That Night,” but her secret found her. Katrina picked up her cell phone to call Calvin in the hopes that he would hear her side of the story, even though she wasn’t sure what that exactly was yet. One thing that she was sure of, telling him the truth wasn’t an option. She dialed Calvin’s number and he sent her straight to his voicemail. Katrina didn’t know what to do; she was devastated. She wanted to die. The truth hurt her too much, and she knew that Calvin would never understand.

Calvin had to talk to someone, and one of his boys just wasn’t an option for him. His friend Ryan would throw the “I told you” card in his face, and he was just not in the mood to hear such criticism. Ryan always told Calvin that he thought Katrina was lying about her virginity. Deep down in his heart he really believed that Katrina had been faithful to him. He didn’t have an issue with her virginity, the issue was that she lied, and that was enough to make him no longer trust her. After trying to call his dad several times, he decided that he’d just go by the house instead. Calvin knew that his father must have been aware of just how bad things were between him and Katrina. He probably gave it away when he started calling his father for advice about marriage and asking probing questions like how his parents stayed married so long.

Calvin pulled up to his parents’ home and noticed that all the lights were off. This was rare and frustrating. When he felt as though he needed them the most, ironically they just so happened to be gone.

Calvin had reached his breaking point and went to the bar instead. Calvin didn’t usually go to local bars, out of respect for his parents. Calvin was relieved that he didn’t know anyone there. After several drinks, he started to feel tipsy and decided to stay longer so that he could sober up some. The longer he waited, the more he wanted another drink. And another drink he drank.

Calvin went to the restroom and on his way back to his seat, he saw his childhood friend Ryan. He still kept in touch with him from time to time. Initially Calvin was embarrassed, but was too drunk by this time to really be concerned about what anyone thought of him. He continued to act as though he never saw Ryan.

Ryan walked over to Calvin. “Hey Calvin! What’s up man? I didn’t expect to see you in here.”

Calvin lifted up his head in shame. “I’m good. I just had to get away for a minute.”

“Yea, I understand. You must be having a hard time if you came up in here?”

Before he knew it, he was telling Ryan everything that was going on in his life, not holding back anything. As he continued to vent, he realized that Ryan wasn’t drinking.

“I noticed that you didn’t order anything to drink.”

“Because I don’t drink. Man I gave that up about a year ago.”

“Why are you here?”

“To be honest with you Calvin, I came here because I thought about having a drink, but then I saw you and was reminded about your father. I’ve been going to his church lately. I’m not perfect, but I’m trying to do right by God.”

Calvin felt like crap because his life was going in the opposite direction. He was mad with God and hated his life. It seemed like nothing in his life was going right.

“Wow! So you saw me and changed your mind?”

“I know it sounds crazy, but I’d like to pray for you. I’m no saint, but I’ve never seen you so down before Calvin. So do you mind if I pray for you?”

“Yes I mind.” Calvin stood up in disbelief and walked out. He was so upset that he even went to that bar and that Ryan seen him broken like that. Calvin got into the car to go home.

He pulled up to the house and saw that Katrina was back. Even though, he was mad, he was still glad to see that she was back at home. Calvin opened the door, and all the lights were off. He put down his keys and walked upstairs into their bedroom. He could still smell the fragrance in the room from Katrina taking a shower. Maybe it was the alcohol, but all he could think about was making love to Katrina. He climbed in the bed and put his arms around her.

“Calvin, what are you doing? Have you been drinking?”

“I had a couple…”

“Are we going to be okay Calvin?”

“Yes, we’ll be fine.”

Chapter 12

Enough

It had been three months since they’d gone to the doctor and Katrina was so happy to have peace in her house once again. However, having peace in her mind was another story. She didn’t dare bring up their infertility issues or mention to Calvin about them going back to church. Ever since, his mom was diagnosed with cancer, discussions about God just weren’t encouraged. Katrina knew that something had to give. She was struggling on the inside and felt like she was going to lose her mind. She kept thinking about “That Night.” She knew that Calvin didn’t forget everything that had just occurred with them and was scared that he would interrogate her again. Some things you just take to your grave and “That Night” was one of them. Calvin and Katrina had been happy over the past couple of months, but it was getting old and not reality.

“Calvin I made you some coffee.”

“Thanks.”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong with me? I’m no longer in denial. Katrina do you realize that we may never have children?”

“Yes, I’m totally aware of that Calvin.”

“I’m the only child and that means everything ends with me. The Snow Family will vanish.”

“Calvin I’d love to have a pity party with you, but I’m not feeling it today. You’re not the only person going through things,” Katrina said as she watched Calvin pour the coffee into the sink. “Whatever Calvin, I’m tired of pretending that you’re the only one hurt. Life has hurt me, too. I’m sorry that your mother is sick, but at least she’s here. My mother is gone, and you don’t know how blessed you are to have a father. My father is dead, and you’ll never know the pain that I’ve felt. Get over your cookie cutter world. Don’t treat me like crap because we’re childless. I want a child, too; don’t you think that I'm hurt as well?”

“We’re childless because of you,” said Calvin as he threw his briefcase onto the counter. “You’re a liar and a slut and have been with so many men that you cannot give me a child.”

“So that’s what you think, Calvin? So that’s what you think about me?”

“Yep!”

“I hate you! I thought you were the one person who loved me. I can’t take you mistreating me like this anymore Calvin! I’m none of those things. If you truly knew God, He’d show you who I am.”

“I want a divorce, and I want you to get out of my house.”

“What? You don’t mean that.”

“Get out of this house and get out of my life!”

Katrina dropped to the floor in tears while Calvin grabbed his suitcase and left for work. He could no longer see himself with a woman who he felt had betrayed him. He thought about calling his father, but didn’t want to be lectured. Therefore, he drove to work in silence. There was absolutely no noise, just thoughts.

Katrina’s life was crumbling right before her eyes, and the Snow family was the only family she had. There was no doubt that she wanted to stay in the family and remain married to Calvin. She prayed that God would bless them with a child, but that still wouldn’t resolve their issues. Calvin no longer trusted her with his heart, and that was final. She knew that she could make it on her own. Taking care of herself was never a problem. Her heart was crushed, and she needed God. She was dealing with far more than marital problems; she was literally trying to save her life. Calvin had no idea the pain that she had endured.

Katrina picked up the phone to call Celeste.

“Heyyyyyy Trina!”

“Celeste he wants a divorce!”

“Huh? What happened? Are you serious?”

"Everything! I mean nothing… I don't know," said Katrina as she pulled over onto the shoulder of the highway on her way to Celeste’s.

“Katrina, I’m lost. Is all this because of a baby?”

“Yes and no. Can I come by? I don’t know where to go and just need to talk. He told me to leave the house Celeste. He said to leave my house, my home Celeste,” said Katrina as she cried and lost her voice.

“Of course you can. I’ll be here. Don’t worry about anything. Things will die down soon,”

Katrina got back onto the highway.

"God, please help me! I need you," said Katrina.

Chapter 13

The Shift

Pastor Snow was at the church office and Lady Snow was tired from the Women’s Workshop the night before. It was a blast! Although she planned it unexpectedly because it gave her a chance to snoop on the pastor‘s computer, she was at the computer once again. The Pastor was in a meeting at the church, and she was dying to know if he had visited any porn sites and doubted if he would go to those sites from the church’s computer. Keeping him busy was a task and she was getting tired. She couldn’t babysit his habit forever and knew that she wasn’t going to live forever. She knew exactly what to do; prayer was her second language. As hard as this was for her to accept, she didn’t want Pastor Snow to spend the rest of his life alone, especially when she knew that he was already lonely.

Lady Snow had chills as she sat alone at the desk again. She logged onto the computer and hesitated as she clicked on the computers history. To her surprise, all the history had been deleted. She was furious because she had no way of really knowing the truth. She was left with so many unanswered questions. She didn’t know if he deleted it because he didn’t want her to see what websites he’d visited in the past or if he was still currently watching the porn.

Lady Snow was heartbroken because she didn’t know what else to do, or if what she was doing actually worked. But what she did know was that her husband was a true man of God and the enemy was not going to win this fight. There was one thing left to do, and this was the perfect time to do it. She often times pretended to have more strength than she really did, and her body was getting tired. She was so drained from her own illness that she no longer had any more time to invest in her marriage. She was also dealing with the fact that Calvin was in denial about how sick she really was. She couldn’t hide it anymore. She was getting weak, and worrying about the Pastor, and Calvin wasn’t helping her condition.

The phone rings.

“Hello.”

“Hey Ma.”

“Calvin, what a surprise, you’re normally in closings all day on Fridays.”

“I know, but I needed to speak with you about something that has been bothering me.”

“Okay son, what is it?”

“Well you know me and Katrina have been trying for a baby.”

“Yes.”

“Well Ma, we’ve been having some trouble and now I find out that Katrina can’t have kids because of an STD that she had, and she even gave it to me.”

“Oh no, Calvin, are you sure?”

“Positive Ma, and apparently I got it a long time ago from her and didn’t know I had it.”

“I hate to hear that Calvin.”

“Ma, and she said that she never cheated on me and stills claims to have been a virgin when we got married.”

“Do you believe her?”

“Not at all, because I know that I didn’t cheat and give her a disease. I tried coping with it, but she won’t just tell me the truth. I told her that I wanted a divorce today. I can’t be with a woman like that.”

“Calvin that’s a hasty decision. Have you prayed about this? Katrina adores you and I can’t see her lying to you, although I do see how you could feel that way.”

“The doctor said that the STD is the reason why we can’t conceive. I could choke her Ma.”

“Calvin you’re upset, I know, but please don’t say stuff like that. Without getting too personal, was it something that could be treated?”

“Yes, ma’am and she better be glad.”

“I’m sure that eventually you will be able to forgive her. Not saying that it will be easy, but with God all things are possible and can be made anew.”

“I’ve tried to get past this. When I looked at her today, all I could think about was her with other men.”

“Some things we cannot do on our own Calvin, and forgiving is one of those things. Where is she right now?”

“I don’t know. I told her to get out of my house,” said Calvin as he placed his hand on his forehead in distress.

“Calvin, I don’t know everything, but you have a good woman and whatever is going on with her is not too big for God to handle. Everyone has issues, and no one is exempt, not even your father and me. Do you really think that in forty five years we haven’t been through nothing?”

"Ma, thanks for talking to me but I have to go," said Calvin realizing that she didn’t agree with his decision.

“Okay dear, but hang in there. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Calvin couldn’t believe his ears. It was as though his mother was taking Katrina’s side. Calvin was too upset to continue working.

“Hey Clarissa, would you please reschedule my closings for Monday? I need to take care of some things.”

“No problem Mr. Snow, “the Robinson Closing” needed to be pushed back anyway, and I’ll take care of the other ones.”

“Great! Thanks Clarissa,” said Calvin as he packed up his things to head home.

Chapter 14

Come Clean

Lady Snow hangs up the phone with Calvin, and her soul is weary. Her family was falling apart, and she was not in the best condition to restore it. One thing was obvious, and that is the family has been keeping secrets that have become toxic to their survival.

The only way that the family can survive and heal is to get rid of these secrets.

Secrets can destroy a family and Lady Snow wanted to see her family mended before she died. She knew that Calvin was losing his faith and hoped that “through this trial,” God would mature him spiritually.

She also couldn’t get her computer investigation out of her mind. She felt the attacks on her family. As soon as she wanted to give up, she realized that she couldn’t. She realized that in order for the secrets to come out, she must first reveal hers.

Pastor Snow walked into the house from his church meeting. Lady Snow was nervous but must handle the issue that has been killing her on the inside.

“Hey honey, how was your meeting?”

“You know how church business can be. Brother Rice is debating the projected budget for next year. You know, fun stuff. How’s everything with you? You seem to be upset about something.”

“I’m not upset, I’m just tired. I’m tired of hiding from my illness. I’m no longer in denial. Honey, I know that I’m going to die soon. It’s important that you and Calvin realize that, too. Honey you are a powerful man of God and the enemy is going to try to take you through your pain. We all know that pain and hurt accompany death. You have to be strong and not fall into temptation. I’ve been praying that God will strengthen you and heal your hurt. I know that you’ve been hurt, watching me die. Satan is going to try to come up against you, but he will not prevail. I know all about struggle. I know about everything you’ve been watching on the computer. Everyday I go into your office, anoint your desk and computer with oil and ask God to guide your thoughts. You don’t have to be afraid or lonely. I’ve been praying that God will send someone your way. You’re too good of a man and too powerful of a preacher to fall into Satan’s trap and destroy your ministry. When I die, you’re not going to be alone.”

Pastor Snow sobbed as Lady Snow revealed to him everything. He was ashamed that she knew about his struggle and wept in her arms. He was then reminded how strong of a woman she was. Even though, her physical strength was weak, her spirit was still strong.

“I want to also apologize to you. Because I didn’t want anyone to know of my condition, you were robbed the opportunity to have extra support. I realized that through all of this; that you’re going through this, too. With that being said, I know I’m ready to tell the congregation,” said Lady Snow in confidence.

“I’m proud of you and I beg you for your forgiveness. I love you and I know that I’ve hurt you. Thank you for loving me and praying for me when I was feeling all alone. Thank you for being my wife. Because of you; I know what it means to be loved.”

Lady Snow closed her eyes and enjoyed the moment. She could feel the weight being lifted off the both of them. Pastor Snow didn’t have to worry about that secret being held over his head, and Lady Snow didn’t have to keep her frustrations built up inside either. She believed in her heart that her family would be restored before God called her home.

Meanwhile, Calvin went home and was shocked to see that Katrina was gone. He knew that she couldn’t be very far because all of her things were still there and it didn’t appear that she took his threat seriously. He went back and forth in his mind if he should call her. Then he came to the conclusion that he would leave her alone. The conversation that he had with his mother, kept replaying in his mind, and a part of him knew that she was right. He felt like his mind was playing tricks on him, and his heart was being ripped out. It was hard for him to believe that he and Katrina were having these types of issues.

Although it was 12 o’clock in the afternoon, he desired to have a drink. As much as he wanted to go back to the bar, all he could do was remember running into Ryan, and how bad he felt. Even Ryan was getting his life in order.

Calvin sat down on the couch and started to look around the house. He saw Katrina’s picture sitting on top of the mantle. At first he smiled, and then he felt an aching feeling in his chest. Calvin wasn’t sure about anything anymore. He wasn’t used to Katrina being gone and not calling either. He figured that she was probably over at Celeste’s house bashing him about him wanting a divorce and telling her to leave or maybe she was out looking for an apartment. Either way he wasn’t used to this kind of arrangement between them. Instead of calling her, he was going to just wait to see if she would come back crawling and asking for forgiveness.

Calvin was very confused. He never knew Katrina to be a liar, but it's clear that she had been unfaithful. It’s true that he was a ladies man in college, but he had always been faithful to Katrina. He started to feel like his sweet, innocent wife, was the complete opposite of what he knew to be true about her.

Finally, Calvin couldn’t take it anymore. It was now 7 o’clock in the evening, and she hadn’t even called or texted him. This wasn’t like her at all. Katrina always texted Calvin to continue or conclude their disagreements. She always had to have the last word, even if it was by text message. Calvin called her cell phone, but the phone didn’t even ring. It went straight to voicemail. Calvin was realizing that Katrina was really upset about their argument and started to regret everything he said. Yes, it was true that he felt that way at that particular time. He was starting to admit that he spoke out of anger and now had to live with the results of that. The fact that Katrina was ignoring him said a lot. This time it was different, he could tell that their marriage may really be over. He thought he’d try one more attempt to reach her. So he called the only place that she would run to, which was Celeste’s house.

Calvin poured himself a drink before calling. He didn’t really think that he would actually drink the rum when he bought it earlier that day after he left the office; however, he wasn’t going to take the risk of seeing another familiar face in the local bar.  Calvin figured that if he were going to have a drink, then it would have to be at home. Calvin took a huge gulp of the rum and closed his eyes in disbelief of the burning sensation going down his throat. Now with his nerves in check, he continued to call Celeste. Many thoughts ran through his head as the phone rang.

“Hello.”

“Hello Celeste, I’m calling to see if you’ve talked to Katrina.”

“As a matter of fact I have, and she was supposed to come by, but that was a few hours ago.”

“So she’s not there.”

“No. I just figured that she needed some time to herself and would get here shortly.”

“Celeste, you can tell me if she’s with you.”

“She’s not here Calvin. I was about to call you but wasn’t sure if she wanted you to know where she was going.”

“As you may already know, we were arguing this morning, and I said some hurtful things, but I’m starting to worry because if she’s not with you, then where can she be?”

“Maybe she’s out looking for a place to live.”

“Or maybe she’s out with another man,” said Calvin sarcastically.

Calvin was shocked because Katrina must have told Celeste everything. This only meant one thing; Katrina was really hurt. She never shared their arguments with anyone, or so he thought. Calvin was embarrassed that Celeste knew so much. His concern turned into anger again, wondering if she really did run to another man. He quickly wanted to end the conversation.

“Okay Celeste, thanks. If you see her, don’t tell her that I called looking for her.”

“Whatever, Calvin! Bye.”

"Yeah whatever," said Calvin as he hung up the phone in rage.

Chapter 15

The Moment

To everyone else it was a normal Sunday. However, Lady Snow was about to experience a moment of truth. As she sat on the front pew, she struggled with the idea of becoming vulnerable to the congregation. She has always been viewed as a woman of strong faith, and not many members of their church have witnessed her struggles and insecurities. Today, everything was about to change. Today, she was going to be transparent and ask the church to pray for her family. Her family was hurting, and the Snow’s needed the church’s prayers.

Lady Snow felt Pastor Snow looking at her, and he could tell that she was very uncomfortable about what she was going to do. He knew how hard it would be for her to expose her illness and the attention that she would get. Pastor Snow sat anxiously, waiting for the church announcements to end.

"And that will conclude our morning announcements, now let's give our First Lady a hand clap as we welcome her to the pulpit for our Morning Welcome," said Sis. Johnson before she took her seat.

“Praise the Lord church! And for those of you who aren’t all asleep, hello!” The congregation laughed in response. “I would first like to welcome you to our morning service. God is so good, and I just want to thank each and every one of you who have chosen to fellowship here in this temple, where we can assemble together to worship our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I noticed as everyone was taking their seats this morning that is seemed just like another Sunday to you, but I challenge you to go further when you walk into the doors of the church. Not everyone comes to church out of routine, but some of us need to really hear from God. There are some of us who are desperate to be in His presence and come before Him humbly as we get strength to make it just one more day. How often do we come to church and not realize the pain that our neighbor sitting to our left or to our right is suffering? We think that we have everything all figured out, but we don’t. I come before you today asking for your prayers. Pastor Snow and I have stayed up countless hours praying for the members of this congregation, so I ask you now that you take a moment throughout your day and say a prayer for our family. You never know what someone is going through based on their appearance. That’s obvious because many of you were never aware of how broken I’ve been coming to church. I’ve walked through the doors of this church suicidal and still greeted everyone with a smile. Pastor Snow has walked through the doors extremely tired from being up with me all night, holding me as I wept. Can I just be real with you for a moment? Many of us come to church, and because of pride we won’t even get up out of our seats to come to the altar for prayer. Today I’m talking to the real Saints of God who know that they cannot afford to live life without God. Several months ago some of you witnessed me just crying out to God, and Pastor Snow came down from the pulpit to comfort me. That was a clear indication of someone who has been weary and heavily burdened. I stand before you today asking you for your prayers because I’m tired. I’m tired of pretending that I don’t hurt. I’m tired of pretending that I can do everything on my own. It’s not fair to our pastor because he needs your prayers. I’ve received compliments from some of you on my weight loss. When discreetly I was grieving on the inside, wondering how much weight would I really end up losing due to the cancer that I’ve been battling for over the last two years?” Lady Snow revealed.

The congregation gasped as Lady Snow removed her wig exposing her bald head that was caused by her chemotherapy. Tears began to flow down the member faces. Pastor Snow got up from his seat and stood next to his wife. Lady Snow turned and looked at him with pride and relief.

“So when you see me praising God, just know that cancer did not take my praise. If you see me feeling weak in my body, just know that I’m not too weak to open my mouth and shout out “Hallelujah”! If I can’t shout and dance the way that I used to, don’t mind me if I just rock back and forth in my seat. If I ever get to the point where I can no longer shout out hallelujah, I invite you to listen carefully because I promise you that I have a moan in my spirit. I don’t care what happens to you in life, you don’t let anyone or anything take your praise from you. Psalm 150:6 says, “Let everything that hath breath praise the LORD”, and until my breath leaves my body, I’m going to do just that. Won’t you praise God with me for a moment?” Lady Snow began to praise God, and before you knew it, the whole church broke out in a radical praise.

Pastor Snow took off running up and down the aisles. People were running towards the altar for deliverance, and even the young children were praising God. The church continued to praise God for hours, and not one person was keeping track of the time. Lady Snow felt so free and immediately felt peace over both her mind and body. After several hours of praising God, Pastor Snow got up from the altar and walked over to where Lady Snow was and embraced her. Without any words being exchanged, Lady Snow knew exactly what he was saying. Before they knew it, once again they were the last people to leave the church.

As they pulled up to their home, they noticed Calvin’s car in the driveway. This worried Lady Snow right away because Calvin avoided coming to their house on a Sunday because of the guilt of not attending church. Pastor Snow opened the front door, holding it open for Lady Snow to enter their home first. As they walked in, Calvin was sitting on the sofa crying.

“Hey son, what’s wrong?” asked Pastor Snow. Calvin looked at his father speechless.

“Does this have anything to do with you and Katrina?”

“Dad, I can’t believe that she left, and I haven’t heard from her since Friday.”

“Friday?” Lady Snow asked with concern.

“I’ve tried looking for her, and I don’t have a clue where she could be. She hasn’t even been to the house since our argument.”

“What about her friend Celeste’s house? Have you tried calling over there? Since you two had a pretty tough argument Friday, she may need time to gather her thoughts.”

“I understand mom, but yes I’ve called over there and Celeste told me that Katrina called her on Friday and said that she was on her way there. When Katrina didn’t arrive, Celeste told me that she was probably looking for an apartment to move out.”

“Do you think Celeste was just telling you that and maybe Katrina had really been there with her the whole time?” asked Pastor Snow with curiosity.

“Dad, I’m pretty sure that Celeste isn’t lying because she’s been calling me. She’s concerned, too, that no one has seen or heard from Katrina since Friday,” Calvin stated as his voice began to rise.

“Okay Calvin, I think you may need to go to the Police because this isn’t like Katrina at all.”

“Mom, I’m scared and worried about her. She doesn’t have any family or other friends to run to. Where could she be?”

“Calvin I don’t know, that’s why you must contact the police right away.”

Calvin buried his face in his hands. His parents watched helplessly as they hadn’t seen Calvin cry since he was a child.

“Son, I’ll call downtown for you,” Pastor Snow suggested, trying to relieve some of the burden.

Chapter 16

Could It Be?

Calvin was so exhausted after being at the police department all night. He was so worried that he still hadn’t heard anything from Katrina and wondered if she was trying to prove a point. It’s no wonder the police detective didn’t seem to take him seriously. Especially after he told him about how he asked her to leave and now is searching for her. Pastor Snow called the station, but they insisted that they come downtown and Calvin felt like he made a fool of himself to the police department.

“Calvin, are you okay?” asked Lady Snow with hesitation.

“Mom, can you believe they made me go through all their non-sense of questioning, just to make fun of me?”

“Calvin, I don’t think they were making fun of you. They just needed to understand the whole story, and why you believe that Katrina is missing. The truth of this matter is that you did ask her to leave, and now you’re upset because she did. Well at least that’s coming from a point of view from someone who does not know Katrina. That policeman was just trying to offer the option that she may have just left, like you asked.”

“Whatever, I know Katrina, and I know that she would never leave like that. Mom, she didn’t take nothing...nothing, Mom! Everything is still there like she would be coming back. Yes, I was angry, but I’m telling you something is terribly wrong. Plus, for her to not call Celeste, something is definitely wrong.”

“Well son, I agree, and we need to continue to pray.”

Pastor Snow looked Calvin straight into his eyes and saw the discouragement becoming overwhelming for Calvin.

“Calvin, I’m know that I can’t understand how you feel right now, but don’t beat yourself up. Katrina is a smart girl, and I’m sure that there is a good reason behind all of this confusion.

The room became silent, and everyone was pondering of their own thoughts of what possibly could be happening. Lady Snow had never felt so helpless. As a mother, she wanted to do something, anything to help relieve Calvin’s pain somehow; however, she knew that this was something that he had to just go through. The fact that no one knew what was going on was torture. Since the missing persons report was filled out, there was nothing to do but wait.

Several hours went by, and Calvin was back at home. He kept replaying the argument that he and Katrina had on Friday morning as he took big gulps of the rum he’d been wanting ever since he left his parents’ home. He couldn’t help but cry every time he thought about Katrina and where she could be. He still couldn’t believe that she could just walk out and leave everything behind like that. He also called Celeste several times and she still claimed to not know anything. Calvin had no choice but to believe her since she seemed to be equally worried and concerned. It was going on ten o’clock, and the phone rang. Calvin jumped up and ran to the phone, stumbling over the ottoman and knocking over his bottle of rum. Without even checking the caller id, he answered the phone.

“Hello.”

“Yes, Mr. Snow?”

“This is Mr. Snow.”

“Sorry to bother you this evening but I’m Detective Lewis from the Washington D.C. Police Department, and we understand that you filed a missing persons report in Maryland today, correct?”

“Yes, that’s correct.”

“Well Mr. Snow, we have found someone that meets the description of your wife, and we’d like to meet with you as soon as possible.”

“What do you mean found someone? I don’t like the way you said, ‘found someone,’ and besides we live in Virginia, my wife wouldn’t have had a reason to be in D.C.”

“Well Mr. Snow there was a really bad accident and we ran the license plates, and the tags came back under your wife’s name.” We need you to be here first thing in the morning to speak with us and to identify the body.”

“What? That couldn’t be my wife! Plus, she hates the interstate.”

“Sir, I’m sorry, but we do believe that we have your wife’s body.”

Calvin could no longer feel anything. He instantly became numb and everything that the detective was saying, Calvin seemed to have zoned out. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing, and there was no way that Katrina was the person that was in that car accident.

"Just to put myself at ease, I'll be there to verify that the woman you have is not my wife," said Calvin in a very sarcastic manner. The detective understood his reaction and remained calm.

“Sir, I’ll see you tomorrow and please let me know if there is anything that I can do for you.”

“Thank you for calling and there’s nothing you can do for me but call the Virginia Police Department back and tell them to continue looking for my wife.” Without allowing the detective to state another word, Calvin hung up the phone and went back to the kitchen to finish his drink. Sobbing as he poured the last drip of rum into his mouth, he grabbed his cell phone from his pocket to call his father.

“Hello.”

“Dad, I need you!”

“I’m here Calvin.”

“Dad, a detective called from D.C. saying that he thinks they found Katrina.” By this time Calvin was slurring his words together and the Pastor knew that he’d been drinking. “They want me to come there in the morning and identify the body. They think the woman they found dead is Ka, Ka, Trina.”

“Oh Lawd, no! Calvin I’ll be right over.”

Before he realized it, his father had hung up the phone and was on his way over. The house phone started to ring constantly, but he was so drunk that he couldn’t walk over to answer it. He knew that it must have been either his mother or Celeste. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Calvin must have left the front door unlocked because he then realized that his father was standing over him.

“Come on son, get up. I know you’re hurting, but we have to get ready to leave.”

“I’m alright.”

“No, you’re not. You’re sloppy drunk son,” said Pastor Snow in a stern voice. “Now get up!”

“Where are we going?”

“We’re going to D.C. Now get yourself together before your mother walks in. She’s outside on the phone with Celeste.”

Pastor Snow managed to get Calvin off of the floor and into the downstairs guest bathroom. Calvin reeked of alcohol. Lady Snow walked into the house and started crying.

“Lord have mercy, what has happened in here?” Lady Snow mumbled to herself.

“Honey go wait in the car,” yelled Pastor Snow.

Without gathering anything, Pastor Snow helped Calvin into the back seat of the car. Lady Snow didn’t even look his way; her heart couldn’t take seeing him in such despair. As soon as he entered the car, the aroma of alcohol filled the air. Pastor Snow got into the car and looked over at his wife and told her that everything would be alright. She gave him a slight grin back and reached for his hand. They pulled out of the driveway and headed to D.C. to meet with the detective.

Chapter 17

Reality Check

The Snow’s pulled up to the police station, and no words were exchanged. From the tension in the car, everyone was feeling uneasy upon their arrival. Pastor Snow parked the car while wondering if checking out from the hotel was a good idea. He had a strange feeling that they would be staying in D.C. for a while. Calvin, Pastor Snow, and Lady Snow walked into the station with worry and confusion written all over their faces.

“You must be Mr. Snow?” asked a tall gentleman that greeted them as they walked in.

“Yes, I’m Mr. Snow,” replied Calvin, “and these are my parents.”

“Nice to meet you all, I’m Detective Lewis. Please follow me.”

They were taken into a room that appeared to be a conference room. There was nothing in it besides a table and five chairs. Detective Lewis closed the door as they took their seats.

“Can I get you anything?”

“No! Please, let’s just get to the reason we’re here,” said Calvin in an irritated tone and hangover from drinking the whole bottle of rum the night before.

“Yes, of course.”

“Well Mr. Snow, we strongly believe that your wife, Katrina, is the woman we found at the scene of a fatal car crash on Friday afternoon. We ran the license plate, and Katrina Snow was the person registered to that vehicle. We tried to reach someone by the contact information listed on the registration, however; it was invalid. Maybe you recently moved?” Calvin said nothing; he just stared at the floor.

“Yes detective, my son and his wife just bought a new home,” Lady Snow offered.

“Mr. Snow, I know this must be awfully hard for you to hear, but in order to rule out that this isn’t your wife, you must first view the body to confirm your doubts.”

“If that’s what I need to do in order to get back home and look for her, because it sounds to me like somebody may have robbed her, or… I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know!” Calvin’s voice began to silence. He hoped that they had made some big mistake, but his heart knew that the woman they found could be Katrina.

“Mr. Snow if you’re ready, the Coroner will see us now.”

Calvin stood up, and his parents followed suit. They were escorted to the Coroner’s office, which was the next building over from the station. It was something about the building; it felt like death or the feeling that comes over you when you enter into a funeral home. The Coroner introduced himself and explained to them what they were about to see. Nothing he said could really prepare them for the experience at hand.

As each second felt like eternity, the time came to reveal the person’s identity underneath the sheet. The Coroner slowly uncovered the woman, and it was indeed Katrina.

Calvin covered his mouth in disbelief and laid his head on his mother’s shoulder as if he was trying to escape the tragic moment. Pastor Snow confirmed that the young lady was Katrina and insisted that they go ahead and leave. Detective Lewis was waiting for them outside to escort them back to the station. However, the two-minute walk back, turned into over an hour. The sidewalk became a river of the Snow’s tears and Detective Lewis waited patiently.

Once they made it back inside the station, the Snow’s had a lot of questions that needed to be answered. Calvin was eager to find out what happened to Katrina.

“Detective Lewis, how did this accident occur?”

“Well, the scene of the accident proved that speed was the major factor in Katrina’s death, and she was also not wearing a seat belt.”

“Where there, any other cars involved?”

“No, Katrina hit a guardrail, and the impact of the accident killed her instantly. She was already dead when the paramedics arrived.”

“I just don’t understand. Katrina hated driving on the interstate and always wears a seat belt. She used to never even let me drive off until she put it on. This doesn’t make sense. Plus, you said she was speeding, there’s no way!”

“Mr. Snow, I know this is hard to grasp, but after talking to the officers in Virginia that took your missing persons report, he mentioned her being angry and possibly moving out.”

“Are you suggesting that she killed herself?”

“No, I’m suggesting that if what you said is true, then maybe she may have done things irrationally that particular day. You’re saying that this reckless behavior is not like your wife, so it’s hard to say if the accident was intentional or not. Mr. Snow, people do things differently when they’re upset.”

“I can’t believe she’s gone. Are you sure that she was speeding Detective?”

“Yes, unfortunately. That was confirmed this morning and due to her speed on impact, we had to conduct an autopsy to see if she had any drugs in her system. There were no drugs, but we did discover that Mrs. Snow was about five weeks pregnant.”

Calvin took his hands from his face and looked at the detective in disbelief. “Detective, your autopsy must be wrong because we could not have any children.”

“I’m sorry Mr. Snow, but Katrina was pregnant when she died.”

Lady Snow began to cry out in frustration. The unbearable news just wouldn’t stop. As soon as they processed one thing, they were hit with something else. Pastor Snow was speechless as Calvin kept repeating “NO” over and over again. No one could tell if she intentionally killed herself or if she lost control of the car.

Chapter 18

The Storm is Passing Over

Everyone was beginning to leave Calvin, and Katrina’s home and finally Calvin could really relax. Pastor Snow was enjoying his third plate of food and Lady Snow was in the kitchen putting the food away. Celeste was going through all of the floral arrangements to find out who they were from. Sending thank you cards were always something that Katrina was big on. Celeste walked into the kitchen to get a pen.

“Do you need some help Mrs. Snow?”

“No!  But thanks for asking Celeste. How are you doing anyway?”

“I’m good right now, but ask me in an hour and I may have another answer.”

“I know it's hard losing your best friend, but everything will be okay.”

“I know. I just hate the fact that she was on her way to see me. I still can’t figure out why she drove past my exit and kept driving towards D.C. Nevertheless, I should have come to her.”

“Now Celeste, don’t go blaming yourself! You had nothing to do with what happened. None of us know what Katrina was feeling; however, I do know that if she’d known that she was pregnant, she would have been planning her own baby shower by now and throwing out anything that had caffeine in it.” Celeste laughed as see could picture Katrina doing just that.

“She was a good friend. I don’t get along with most females, but Katrina became a sister to me, and I feel like I should have paid more attention to her feelings.”

“Well you know Katrina was pretty private, so she shared with you what she wanted to, so again Celeste, please don’t carry that burden. She adored you and talked about you all the time. She was very proud to have a friend like you.”

“Awe, that means a lot. I just hope that Calvin will be okay, too. I know they had some tough times, but there’s no doubt that he loves her.”

“Calvin will be okay. He just needs some time, but he’ll come around.”

“He’s blessed to have parents with such faith.”

“Celeste, the same God I serve is the same God that you serve. So if, God can take care of you, I know he’ll take care of Calvin. I was so happy when you gave your life to the Lord last week.”

“Losing Katrina really put my life into perspective for me. Nothing in this world seems to be certain but death. I know that everyone will die one day, including me. I’ve endured so much pain in life and losing Katrina pushed me to my limit. There’s no way that I could go on without God, or I’d literally lose my mind.”

“You’re right Celeste. Everyone has their breaking point, and this may be Calvin’s.”

Celeste went back into the living room, and both Calvin and Pastor Snow were asleep. She knew that they must have been drained from all of the funeral preparation. She continued to write down all the names of everyone who sent flowers, then quietly let herself out. She couldn’t help but reminisce about Katrina on her way home.

Pastor Snow woke up to his wife crying while cleaning the house. The house was in disarray after having so many people over after the funeral. She couldn’t believe that her son just lost his wife and worried about how he would manage after his loss.

“Honey, are you okay?”

“My heart hurts for Calvin. I don’t want to just leave him here like that.”

“Like what?”

“Hurting.”

“Staying here with him is not going to stop his pain. This is his desert experience. You can’t interfere with God’s process.”

“No mother wants to see her child hurting.”

“But our child is now a man and its God job to take care of him, not ours.”

“I can’t believe you!”

“Honey, you’re doing enough. You cannot become his wife. You cannot come over here and cook and clean every day. Calvin has to learn life for what it is at this moment. You cannot come to his rescue. Just be there when he calls you and needs to hear his mother’s voice.”

“You’re right. I just wish I could change all this.”

“God’s plan is better than ours.”

“I hate it when you’re right.”

“And I love you anyway.”

After sitting and talking for several hours, Calvin stayed asleep. Without disturbing him, they locked up the house and went home. The house was spotless, and there were so many plants in the living room, someone could have easily mistaken it for a florist. Calvin had no idea how to care for plants, and Katrina wasn’t good at it either.

Chapter 19

The Dead Honest Truth

It’s been several weeks since Katrina’s funeral, and everyone was back to their normal routine. Well everyone but Calvin. Calvin has been so depressed, and all he can think about is the baby that him and Katrina could have had together. Alcohol has become his best friend and everyone knows it. The plants have all died since he insisted that his mother not come by to care for them. Calvin wants everyone to think he’s okay and has everything under control, but his parents know better than to believe that. The phone rings as soon as Calvin walks in the door from work. He’s frustrated by the ringing, and all he wants to do is to sit down and have a drink. Instead, he answers the phone.

“Hello.”

“Hello Calvin, it’s your mother.”

“I know who it is mom”, Calvin chuckled, relieved to hear his mother’s voice.

“Hey Calvin, I wanted to stop by today. Are you free?”

Calvin hesitated to answer because he wanted a drink really bad but didn’t want his mother to see him drunk again. Although he wanted a drink, he also wanted some company. He was tired of feeling lonely.

“Yeah mom, you can come on by. I’m not busy.”

“Wonderful! Your dad has a meeting at the church, so it will be just me.”

“Okay, that’s cool.”

“I love you, and I’ll see you shortly.”

“I love you, too.”

Calvin quickly hung up the phone and started to clean up. The last thing he wanted was to let his mother see how he’s really been living. Calvin went into the kitchen and grabbed a trash bag from underneath the sink. He then began to throw away all the empty alcohol bottles that were lying around the house. He was surprised when he filled up the first bag, and for the first time he realized how bad his drinking had gotten. Without wasting anymore time reflecting, he got another trash bag and proceeded to clean up. He started to throw all the old withered plants away, but noticed that there were too many, and they were too big. He then heard the doorbell ring.

Cleaning up took longer than he anticipated. Before he knew it, his mother was on the other side of the door. Calvin opened the door to let her in, greeting her with a hug.

“Hey baby boy.”

Calvin said nothing but smiled. As they walked into the living room, he could tell by the look on his mother’s face that she knew that he’d been letting himself go.

“I know what you’re thinking mom.”

“What?”

“You’re looking at the house.”

“Calvin I’m not worried about this house. I came to check on you.”

Calvin grabbed his trash bag and continued to clean.

“I know mom. Well things are a lot difference since Katrina has been gone, and I now realize how much I really needed her.”

Lady Snow said nothing but agreed with a nod. She then looked on the end table and noticed that Calvin hadn’t opened any of the sympathy cards from the funeral.

“Calvin?”

“Yes mom?”

“Why didn’t you open your cards from the funeral?”

“I just haven’t gotten around to it, that’s all.”

“I understand Calvin; you’ve been so busy keeping the house clean.” They both started laughing, and Calvin almost forgot how good it felt to laugh.

“You’re right mom! Well since, you’re here maybe I should open them now.”

“I’m just saying, there may be some money in these envelopes.”

"Well in that case, here you take these, and I'll open these," said Calvin as he handed his mother a stack of envelopes.

They went through card after card, and it seemed like the whole city sent him a card. Lady Snow was right. Some people felt so bad for his loss that they gave him sympathy money. Calvin didn’t need the money, but it felt like Christmas and that motivated him to open every single card.

“Calvin, this card is addressed to Katrina.”

“What? Why would someone address their card to her?” Calvin reached for the card.

“Here, look, it’s say ‘To Katrina,’” said Lady Snow as she handed Calvin the card. Calvin slowly opened the card, and this is what it read:

Katrina,

I’m sorry it took so long to contact you, but I finally found the strength and courage to do so. I know that I have hurt you, and there is nothing that I can do or say to take what happened back. I have asked God for forgiveness, and now I’m asking your spirit to forgive me. I wasn’t there for you when you needed me the most. My heart has ached for years because I let you down. I was drowning in my own pain, and the drugs helped relieve that pain for me, but in the exchange of creating other pains. You no longer knew me, and I didn’t even know myself. I no longer do drugs, and I now live my life for God. Sweet Pea you no longer have to worry about the pain that this life brings.  May you rest in God’s arms. I love you.

Love,

Daddy

Calvin could not believe that the card was from Katrina’s father. She always told him that her father was dead and never said much more about him. Calvin looked so confused. The more he learned about Katrina, the more he realized that he didn’t really know her. He didn’t understand how the woman he loved so much, kept so much from him. Calvin thought to himself, “Why would she tell me that her father was dead when in fact, he wasn’t?” Calvin stared into space and finally heard his mother’s voice.

“Calvin? Calvin, who was it from? What did that card say?”

“It was from her father,” said Calvin still in disbelief.

“Are you serious? I thought her father was dead.”

“I did too, until now. Her father was asking her for forgiveness.”

“What did he do?”

“Mom, I don’t know. Katrina has always said that he was dead.”

The two of them sat there speechless and nothing more was said. After several minutes of silence, Lady Snow grabbed her things and could tell that Calvin needed to be alone.

“Calvin, I’m going to head home. Do you need anything?”

“I’ll be fine. Thanks for coming by mom.”

“I love you son.”

“I love you, too.”

Calvin sat in the living room anxious to find out more about Katrina’s father. Of course, Katrina was no longer alive for him to interrogate her for making the claim of her father being dead, so he just sat puzzled. He thought about having a drink, but actually decided against it. After reading about Katrina’s father being on drugs, he started to have a different perspective. It was obvious that his drug habit played a huge rule in their nonexistent relationship.

Calvin needed to get his mind on something else and continued to clean where he left off. His house was starting to look pleasant again, and he was proud of himself. Calvin finished cleaning the whole downstairs and even lit some scented candles. Katrina loved candles and said that it made a house have a warm feeling. Calvin realized that she was right, and it was just what he needed.

Proud of his accomplishment, Calvin went up the stairs to continue cleaning. He walked into the closet and started to gather all of Katrina’s clothes. He felt that it was time to start letting go of her things. The site of her belongings was keeping him depressed, and he was scared of what depression could do to him. He had so many mixed emotions as he gathered her things. He decided to donate her things to a local women’s shelter and picked up the phone to make arrangements, but then noticed a book underneath some of the clothes.

Calvin knew that Katrina kept a journal but never bothered it. He respected her journal and her privacy. This time it was different. Calvin yearned to know more about Katrina and why she misled him so. Calvin hung the phone up and walked over to get the journal. He debated if he should open it, but the curiosity won. He slowly opened the journal and found page after page of letters beginning in “Dear God”. Calvin didn’t know where to begin. So he randomly flipped through some pages and just began to read.

Dear God,

I miss my mom so much, and my dad is never home. I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I promise to take care of my body. I don’t want to die from diabetes like my mom. I know my dad is lonely too, but I’m worried about him. It’s like when my mother died, a piece of him died too. I think he really misses being married to her. He’s lost without her. My family is falling apart, and I don’t know what to do. God help me get through this change.

Your Child,

Katrina

Calvin went through some more pages in curiosity. Calvin never knew that her parents were actually married. He had always thought that Katrina never really knew her dad.

Dear God,

My heart hurts, and I feel like I’m losing my mind. I walked in on my father shooting heroine in his arms, and he even had another woman in my mother’s house with him. I know he must be lonely, but these women that he’s been dealing with are pure trash. My mother had standards and was nothing like these trashy women. I have to leave this house! I can’t stand to watch him put that poison in his arms. What is going on? My father is not the father I knew.

Your Child,

Katrina

Dear God,

Today was a good day until my father took me out to eat and I could tell that he was happy to be spending time with me. Then when the bill came, he made me pay. Then had the nerve to ask me for some money because I just started this part-time job. Okay, so I guess I’m supposed to support his habit. God, please get me out of here.

Your Child,

Katrina

Dear God,

I know that it’s been awhile since I last spoke to you, but I need you. I hate my father and living with him has literally disguised me and is killing me. I have forgiven him for everything, but not TODAY. He came home high and forced himself on me. I can’t believe he tried to kiss me in my mouth, and then smacked me when I refused. I hate him for what he’s done. God, please punish him for raping me. I thought losing my virginity would be a special time. I never imagined that it would happen like this. My mother used to tell me that my virginity was something that I gave away to my husband. Well what if it was taken from me? Since I didn’t give it away, I’m still a virgin in my heart, and as of today I’m leaving this house and my father is DEAD TO ME. Daddy may you NEVER rest in peace for what you did to me. I’ll kill myself before I stay another day in this house.  God I’ll kill myself first. Please take care of me God.

Your Child,

Katrina

Calvin’s eyes were filled with tears as his heart broke after discovering what Katrina’s life was really like. He had no idea that his wife endured such pain. No wonder she didn’t mention her father much. Calvin hated the way he treated her when they were told about the STD. It was true that he believed that she had cheated, but now understood why Katrina could never bring herself to tell him the truth. Calvin was sick to his stomach and began to regurgitate realizing that the only other man Katrina had been with, was the time she was raped by her own father.

“My God, what have I done?” yelled Calvin throughout the house. With tears streaming down his face, Calvin picked up the pen that Katrina kept inside her journal and began to write:

My Name is Calvin Snow Jr., son of Pastor Calvin and Lady Rose Snow, Sr. I never thought that this would be my life, but it is. I can’t forgive myself for what I did to my wife, and the pain is unbearable. Don’t judge me; you’ve never been where I am before, and I just can’t take it anymore. One day my life was fine, and then the next day God changed everything. If he really loves me, then why won’t he do something? My thoughts are literally driving me crazy, and it hurts too much to live with this pain. That’s why I have decided to take me life.

Chapter 20

The Revelation

Two Months Later

“Today I’d like to stand before this congregation to discuss suicide. Suicide is never the answer, and it breaks my heart to see individuals give up on life. Satan loves to play and manipulate your thoughts, and if you don’t stay in prayer, you’ll become victim to his lies. Life can become overwhelming, but not impossible.

As you all go through life, you’ll be sure to hit some rough spots, but it’s what you do with the rough spots that matter. I thank God for using my rough spots in my life, to shape and mold me. In James Chapter 1, we’re told to count it as all joy. That means that we can take our darkest hours and count it as joy because it’s God’s opportunity to turn things around; especially our thoughts. It’s an opportunity for you to learn what it really means to trust God with everything.

When Satan tries to use things against you, God uses that opportunity to build you. God takes the broken pieces of your life and puts you back together. He makes you whole. So, today I stand before you and rip this suicide letter up publically saying that Satan did not defeat me. I, Calvin Snow, have given my complete life over to God. Satan didn’t care that my father is pastor, nor did God care. It was up to me to work out my own soul salvation. I could not obtain it through my mother or my father. Today I can honestly say that I know God for myself, and Christ is my personal Savior.

Suddenly a loud applause filled the room, and everyone in the congregation was standing to their feet. There wasn’t a dry eye in the building. Calvin waited until the applause faded. He looked down at his mother and smiled, then proceeded with his testimony.

“So today I confess that the old me is dead. I now understand that Satan thought that he had the perfect plan to kill me. Instead God knew exactly what I would need to genuinely give my life to Christ. Right before I was about to kill myself, God told me that if I’d truly gave my life to Him, then he’d give me peace. I no longer live with the guilt of losing my wife. God is restoring me and making all things new.”

Calvin turned around and before he could take his seat, he was greeted by his father. Pastor Snow hugged Calvin and embraced him, Father and Son...Son and Father.

Conclusion

Yes this was a fiction story, but the hurt behind these characters resemble the same hurt that exists today, and that pain is real. Katrina was molested by her father, the one person in the world that was supposed to protect her. The pain that she experienced was so deep that she could not get rid of it. Do you have any pain like that? It may not be an issue of molestation, but another unbearable pain that creeps back into your life. We try to run from our pain, because confronting it can sometimes makes us feel even worse.

Katrina could not confront her father; therefore, she pretended that he didn’t exist. The problem in her logic was that erasing her father from her life did not eliminate the pain, the shame, and the betrayal that she felt. Satan has a way of bringing up your past to taunt you. That’s why it’s so crucial to stay in prayer. Some people get the wrong idea when they’re told that we’re in a war against evil. Allow me to clarify that for you.

You may not physically be in a war, but it’s spiritual, and Satan fights your mind and tries to control your thoughts. He even plays in the minds of others that can result in your physical pain. Like with Katrina. Her father loses his wife and instead of him turning to God to help deal with that pain, he turned to drugs and the things of this world for comfort. The drugs had him trapped and Satan had authority over his thoughts to the point of him molesting his own daughter. This wouldn’t have occurred if he had been in his right mind. So I ask you today, if you have experienced hurt in your life that you’re running from and that continues to weigh you down, I pray that you hand those issues to God.

God is here to take that pain away and to give you the strength to forgive those who have offended you. Whenever you choose not to forgive, you choose to hold onto that which hurt you. If you fall due to someone pushing you and your skin is punctured, it will develop a scab because your body is trying to heal itself. Now if you choose to pick the scab off, you will also experience some bleeding and pain again. You’ve already been injured but instead of allowing your injury to heal, you keep picking at your scab. So who is hurting you now, the person who pushed you, or you picking at your scab? That’s what happens when we do not forgive; we keep hurting ourselves after the offense takes place. God wants to give you the strength to forgive yourself and others, because He wants you to be healed from that hurt before it destroys you.

Calvin had to cope with guilt. He felt so bad about the way that he treated Katrina, that he started to self-destruct. Guilt can easily do that. When guilt becomes a stronghold, we tend to not forgive ourselves and that’s exactly what happened in Calvin’s case. He had trouble forgiving himself and felt like he didn’t deserve anything, not even peace. Calvin felt as though he killed Katrina. Satan will make you take responsibility for the corrupted thoughts and actions of others. These thoughts are not of God. When my brother was shot and killed, I felt like it was my fault because he moved back to our hometown where it took place. See, I thought that him moving back to our hometown was a result of something that happened with me. Even though I didn’t pull the trigger, my thoughts had me taking some responsibly for his death. When in reality, I had nothing to do with his death.

Do you see what I mean about Satan playing with your thoughts? This is what happens with Calvin. Forgiving himself about the last time he saw Katrina and the argument that lead up to it would be the beginning of his healing. As I mentioned before, the characters are fictional but their pain is that of many people today.

Pastor Snow was dealing with a discreet sin. How many of us struggle with a sin that is discreet? It’s far more harmful because it becomes a secret between you and Satan. As long as it’s hidden, it’s hard for others to pray on your behalf, and we sometimes convince ourselves that we do not have a problem. I was a teenager when I became pregnant for the first time and it was obvious that I was having sex before I was married (fornicating). Because my sin came to light, I was embarrassed, although it also became obvious to those around me and shed some light on what they needed to pray about. When our sins remain discreet, we’re saying that I can handle this struggle on my own and it all points to fear. The fear of being judged by others outweighs the need to get help. It’s crazy how we don’t want others to know our dirt, and forget that our sins are never discreet with God. Satan actually convinces people that if no one knows our sins and our thoughts, that it can also be hidden from God. Just think how life would be if we actually “remembered” that God is with us all the time.

Pastor Snow had a praying wife and his struggle was exposed to her. Instead of confronting him right away out of anger, she realized that she needed to go to the Lord in prayer for him. It’s amazing how people can pray on our behalf and we not even know it. Praying and fasting is the weapon against our daily issues with sin, hurt, disappointments, unforgiveness, gossip and a list of others struggles. When you go before God in prayer and fasting (refraining from eating), you are strengthening your spirit and the stronger your spirit gets, the easier it will be to forgive, to resist sin, and to have purer thoughts. Calvin reached his breaking point, but found the strength to give his whole life to God instead. He realized that he needed a savior and that he couldn’t survive on his own will power. If that sounds like you...you can give your life to Christ today. YOU DON’T HAVE TO WAIT... Why wait until you go to church? God is with you right now. If you want to be saved “today” say this out load.

Dear God in heaven, I come to you in the name of Jesus. I acknowledge to You that I am a sinner, and I am sorry for my sins and the life that I have lived. I need your forgiveness.

I believe that your only begotten Son, Jesus Christ shed His precious blood on the cross at Calvary and died for my sins, and I am now willing to turn from my sins.

You said in Your Holy Word, Romans 10:9 that if we confess the Lord our God and believe in our hearts that God raised Jesus from the dead, we shall be saved.

Right now, I confess Jesus as the Lord of my soul. With my heart, I believe that God raised Jesus from the dead. At this very moment, I accept Jesus Christ as my own personal Savior, and according to His Word, right now I am saved.

Thank you Jesus for your unlimited grace which has saved me from my sins. I thank you Jesus that your grace never leads to license, but rather it always leads to repentance. Therefore Lord Jesus, transform my life so that I may bring glory and honor to you alone and not to myself.

Thank you Jesus for dying for me and giving me eternal life.

Amen.

Sequel: Meet Savannah

Coming Soon

BONUS (Preview)

The

Unspoken Walk

(Preview)

Marita L. Kinney

Copyright

© 2009 by Marita Kinney.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a

retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior

written permission of the publishers, except by a reviewer who may quote

brief passages in a review to be printed in a newspaper, magazine or journal.

All Scripture quotation, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version. NIV.  Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society.  Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House.  All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1482724196 Printed in the United States of America.

Dedication

This book is dedicated to my late father Bishop Westley C. Robinson, an awesome man of God who was determine to make sure that I knew Christ for myself.  I could not have asked for a better father or a better gift from him. I would like to also dedicate this book to my mother, “Shay” Sharon Edley Ponquinette. Whenever I felt like giving up, you would remind me of my strength and encourage me to keep going.  She’s not only my mother, but my friend.  God gave me the perfect parents, that helped prepare me for the woman I have become.

Contents

Introduction

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Conclusion

Introduction

If someone told me five years ago that I would write and have a book published, I’m not sure how convinced I would have been.  Writing a book never crossed my mind, until I starting writing my thoughts down in order to vent my frustrations.  After a co-worker by the name of Brenda Cobb read my words, she expressed that my words were powerful and could possibly change someone’s life.  Wow, that was such a compliment that I wasn’t expecting.  So I asked someone else to read my words, and soon I realized that they felt the same way.  I then began to write more only with the intent to share my book with my children one day.  As soon as that thought came, it soon left.  God would not allow me to simply limit my work to only my children, but to share it with the whole world.

Let me first start off by stating that, I did not write this book to entertain you, but to encourage you.  Some of the things that are in this book, you may not agree with or even may offend you. However, this is my book, and you’re more than welcome to write your own.  As I continue my walk with Christ, there are many things that I’ve come across in Bible that also may offend others.  With that being said, everything in this book has been written out of love.  The whole purpose of this book is to speak into someone’s life, heal wounds and to encourage someone.  We all have something that we’re going through, and I ‘m here to tell you that you are not alone.  If no one else admits that their not perfect in their Christian walk, let me be the first.

As you read this book, keep in mind that I in no way claim to be an expert in any area in life. However I have been through various life situations, which have given me the experience in which I’ll share with you.  My prayer is that individuals be revealed and delivered from their own mask that they hide behind.  We all have some sort of mask. Our mask sometimes tries to hide our pain, shame, guilt, even our past.  As the mask is slowly removed, you will see the real you.  That real you cannot be masked for God.  God will see through it every time and will love you in spite of your flaws.  God has an unconditional love for us, and for that I give thanks.

I chose to revise this book because there was so much that need to be added to “my unspoken walk.”  So many people wrote me and told me how this book had blessed them, to God be the glory.  When I first wrote this book, I never had a sales goal in mind.  My prayer was for this book to reach at least one person.  I must say that this book exceeded my expectations.  I ask that you read this book with an open mind and reflect on your own life.

This book in titled ‘The Unspoken Walk” for a reason.  I’ll explain it plain and simple.  Just think about your own life and how there are things that you harbor inside silently, as you walk throughout life.  When people see you, who do they really see?  Most of us have our true person held captive internally.  We may appear to have it altogether, but inside we are screaming to become free.  Well through this book, my walk is no longer silent.  I have the strength to share my testimony and wrote this book to encourage you to become free as well.

My life has been so hard that it sometimes hurts to think about it, so many things have happened. However deep down inside I know it’s for God’s glory. People see me and don’t know a clue about me, or what I’ve been through.  There’s more to me than just a smile with style.  I’m a child of God and that alone makes me very proud.  My life has been far from simple, and many people would begin to question my GOD.  However I have never asked why, but instead accepted it because I knew that everything that has happened to me was in his will.  Therefore, I thought to myself, “God must be preparing me for something greater” because I’ve been through so much in my life of 29 years.   “God what do you have for me? What is it that you’re preparing me for?” Those were the questions that ran through my mind. This life of mine is hard, “When will you give me my time of peace?”  So I prayed for peace so that my soul would remain strong and to have a voice to sing that song of praise.  I would one day sing because God brought me out of what would have killed me if I wasn’t saved.

My Unspoken Walk Begins…

Chapter One

Transformed by Tribulations 1

Like Two footprints in the sand

Lord you remained next to me along the way

While my life was changing before my eyes

As an infant,  my brother Lil Westley and I were only two years apart and were raised for the most part, by our divorced father, with the help of my grandmother.  My father was a single parent not only raising his children but was a pastor of a church with no first lady.  Still to this day, many people from across the country loved to hear my father preach.  You have to understand, my father was no normal preacher.  He was an exceptional preacher.  He was so anointed and could reach many souls.  My father rarely remained in the pulpit while preaching.  He would walk up and down the aisle, and didn’t care how people perceived his actions. After each sermon, he’d have to change clothes from working up such a sweat.  His clothes would literally be drenched. I can’t tell you how many people feel as though my father was one of the greatest preachers that ever lived.

Many people remembered my mother from church and always spoke very highly of her also.  I can honestly say that my mother was still very much in the picture. It was the typical divorce issues and arguing over the kids. My mother tried to do her part, but she worked a lot due to the pain of not having her kids with her. While living with my dad, he made his children his priority, and I respected him so much for that.  In these days that’s very rare. My oldest brother whom we have the same father and his sister, whom my dad raised as his own, lived with their mother. Due to that and the age difference, we weren’t as close as I wanted to be with them. My dad traveled and preached around the country with Lil Westley and me. We didn’t have much money, but God always allowed us to have everything we needed.  I didn’t realize how much of my character was being formed at that time.

When I was six, my father became very ill. They say it was a stress attack that left him bed ridden for a year. I soon later discovered that it was a stroke.  My grandfather passed, and my grandmother moved in to help raise us. Taking care of my father and us must have been hard. The doctors didn’t think that he would ever walk again. My brother and I would go into my dad’s room to pray every day before school. Only to return to an almost lifeless father who was in the same place as when we left for school, day in and day out. I would sit beside his bed and put ice on his lips and watched it melt as he would just lay there. At times, I would pray a silent prayer instead of going outside to play. Preachers from all over would come to our home to visit with my father and to pray over him.  As time went by less and less people came to visit.  I knew it hurt my brother Lil Westley also to watch our dad just lay there.  He was at the age where he really needed a dad to play with.  One day Lil Westley went into our dad’s room before school to pray from him, and said “Lord, please heal my daddy so that he can play with me again”. God heard my brother’s prayer and began to heal my father from that very day. One year later my father was walking, traveling, and again preaching all over the country.  As a young child, I noticed that my father wasn’t very athletic. But during that time I seen strength in my father that I have never seen before. It was an inner strength that I also wanted for myself one day.

Lil Westley and I were primarily living with my father until I was about the age of nine. After that, living between households of my mother and father, became a regular routine for us.  At the age of eleven, my grandmother passed away leaving my father depressed and lonely.  He decided to move from our hometown Springfield, Ohio to Washington D.C and further his education by getting a P.H.D in Theology.  I knew how important that was for him.  Besides, he put a lot of his goals on hold to raise me.  My brother and I agreed not to go to D.C., so we stayed with my mom from then on.  Being so far away from my father was hard for me, but something that was needed. It was time for my mother and me to get closer. My mom was so beautiful, graceful, professional, and intelligent; I wanted to learn how to be like just like her.  There were some things that my father just couldn’t teach me.  My mom did her best to raise us at that time. However, she would probably have done things a lot differently if given that opportunity to do it again.  My brother was left in charge of me a lot of the time, and we began to almost raise ourselves.  We were growing into “teenage hood”, and were left alone often when my mom had business trips or was working long hours.  Lil Westley continued to look after me, but soon became caught up in the streets, began to sell drugs, and was in and out of jail.  It amazed me how people would judge him.  Due to his lifestyle, some people would assume that he probably never stepped foot inside a church house.  Boy was those people wrong.  My brother knew the word and was always up for a challenge to discuss God in the streets.  By us being two years apart, we used to have many of the same teachers.  They would get so puzzled that my brother and I lived in the same home together and had the same parents.  It was hard for them to realize how we both were so different.  Though I was not perfect, I was always a good student. On the other hand, my brother often tried to make his own school rules.  I have to admit I looked up to him for always being so smart and brave.  Many people respected him in the streets. Nevertheless, Lil Westley and my father meant the world to me. My brother and I may not have had the easiest life, but God was still in the mist.

When I looked over my life, I could actually see two sets of footprints.  God was not only truly walking with me; he defiantly covered me, and protected me.   Lil Westley was always very over protective of me as well while my father loved to spoil me.  Not in the manner in which you may be thinking of.  He would shower me with love and would do anything for me.  My father’s love meant more to me than money. It was regularly expressed by my father how much he missed and loved us.  He would call every day and pray for us, but also tried to give my mother her space to raise us.

My parents had a hard time raising Lil Westley while I tried to stay out of their way. As a teenager, I did what a lot of kids were doing at that time, going to parties, active in school, and found my first love “Franco”.  Though I was far from being perfect, I didn’t get into much trouble. Not because, I hadn’t done anything wrong, but the focus was always on my brother; therefore I would never get caught.  I stopped going to church and would only go if my mother made me or if I were invited to go by a neighbor.  There was a time where I began to try new things “of the world”.  My father often worried about us and would make monthly sometimes even weekly visits to come see us, to make sure we were doing okay.

A close friend of my mom had a daughter that was in college.  Though in school, she along with her best friend took me under their wings and showered me with love, concern, and interest in my life.  I wanted to be around them because they made time for me.  I had so much respect for them, and they helped to keep me out of trouble.  To make extra money I often would babysit for them.  But that wasn’t enough. It was what we were exposed to in our everyday lives while living in our neighborhood.  We didn’t live in the best neighborhood and were far more street smart than a lot of kids our age.

During that time in my life, the Community Choir that my oldest brother introduced to me came right in time to save my life. Singing in the Springfield Community Choir, was the best influence at the time for me.  That choir kept me connected to God when I was drifting away.  Then suddenly my mother decided to pick up and move us away from our hometown, hoping to better our lives in Hampton, Virginia where she was offered a teaching position at Hampton University.  At age fifteen, Virginia became my new home. We gave my mother a hard time due to the relocation. We hated being new and away from what were familiar to us.  My first love “Franco” was who I really missed the most.  He was like my best friend and being away from him hurt.

However we adjusted fast and accepted our new lives in Virginia and loved being closer to our father who still resided in D.C.  I was popular at school, and Lil Westley was doing well also.  He was staying out of trouble, received his GED, and was working a legitimate job that he was really proud of.  My brother was very smart, and school was very easy from him. While he was working, I noticed him beginning to slowly change from his old lifestyle.

The reality of being with my first love left my mind.   I noticed how hard being in a relationship was, especially a long distance relationship as teenager. I began working, going to school, and hanging out with new friends.  It was hard to make friends with the females, and I found myself hanging out with mostly males.  It took some time for the females to finally accept me, but they did.  There was a guy in my class that I eventually became really close to, and we soon started to date.  My friends in Virginia were a lot different than my friends in Ohio.  My Virginia friends seemed to have come from a way different environment than me and my Ohio friends.  Hanging out with my new friends didn’t consist of getting high or laughing at the crack heads that paced up and down the street all day.  There were no oblivious crack heads in my new neighborhood, and I started to realize that life back home wasn’t as normal as I thought.  At least my everyday life wasn’t.  Hanging out with my new friends became routine, and they couldn’t believe how attached I still was to my first love back home.

As the new girl in town, I got more attention than I was used to getting from boys.  No one knew how over protective my brother was, which allowed them to openly express their interest in me.  This was rare for me.  Back home if someone was interested in me, I was unaware it.  No one other than my first love wanted to deal with the drama of my big brother.   Needless to say, my brother was not going to change when I came to me “his little sister”.  While attending summer school one year, a boy picked me up over his shoulders and lifted up my skirt in the hallway.   I was so embarrassed, but scared what might happen to the boy if my brother were to find out about it.  My brother picked me up from school that day, and I show the anger burning in his eyes.  From that moment,  I knew that someone already told him the news.  To make the long story short, my brother received four felonies that day and I could not return back to school.  The incident was all over the local newspapers, and I was hurt that once again my brother was locked up.  This time it was over me, and I felt so bad because he was doing so well.  After being released from jail on a bond, ten years was hanging over his head.  My brother told me “Marita I’m not going to prison”.  Prior to his upcoming court date, without notice he left Virginia and I knew it was for good.  It was just now me and my mom.  She was still the career mom, and my dad was still calling every day, praying for me, and visiting my brother and me by making trips from D.C to Virginia and Ohio.  He would come visit us in a heartbeat.

My senior year in high school I became pregnant at age seventeen, and my life was never going to be the same.  It was hard for me to go to church during this time because the fear of being judged. I was more worried what the saints would say about my father having a teenage pregnant daughter.  My father was never ashamed of me and told me that God had a plan for my life and my unborn child.  My boyfriend joined the military, and we decided to get married.  Deep down inside I was trying to fix my sin that had been made public. My father didn’t want me to get married because I was pregnant and I denied that being the reason.  I wanted to believe that this guy really loved me. Maybe he did, but it’s different when you’re used to being loved by a man of God.  The love my father showed me, made it ten times harder to feel loved by others.  I can still remember how upset my brother was when I told him that I was expecting.  Through his disappointment, he called me every name in the book.  He wasn’t very good at expressing his feelings, but he was really hurt. I was his little sister, and I was becoming a mother.  He asked to speak with my boyfriend and soon to be husband.  He thanked him for stepping up to the plate and marrying me due to my pregnancy.  My boyfriend replied “I’m not marry your sister because she’s pregnant.  I’m marrying her because I love her”, my brother then said, “you don’t love her because if you did, you would have made sure that she didn’t get pregnant because my sister had goals.” I was in deep denial. I was indeed trying to fix my sin. I was furious that my sin came to the light.  Everyone could obviously see my sin. I felt as though I had destroyed my father’s ministry. I was certain that everyone would judge him for my sinful acts.

I gave birth to my son on my eighteenth birthday. He was born prematurely.  My first born was literally my gift from God.  By then, at age of eighteen, I was married to a man who was only nineteen, and being a new mom, my life was very different from my peers in my senior class.  No one actually wanted me to be married that young. But no one discussed or offered me any other options. I had no idea as to how to live life with a child and not be married. I refused to become a “baby momma.” At that time, being married was the only thing that made sense.  While my high school friends were starting college, I was moving around as a military wife and mother. I still wasn’t really going to church, only when I felt like it. We were young and even took turns watching our son so that the other person could go to the club.  Having a Muslim husband made it easy not to focus much on my own beliefs.  To avoid a religious debate, I didn’t really talk about my Christian beliefs.  My father was still very active in my life and would give me words of encouragement and advice.

Transformed by Tribulations 2

“For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” 2 Corinthians 4:17

On October 20, 2000, the phone rung at 12:18 in the morning, it was one of my cousins from Ohio telling me that my brother had been shot and killed.  I dropped the phone and begged God to not let this be true. My heart never ached so badly.  The loss of my brother had me crying until the point that my eyes were swollen for a week.  I had just spoken to my brother a few days prior about coming to visit me in Washington.  But it was true; my brother Lil Westley was taken away from me one month before his 21st birthday.  I still didn’t turn my back on God or ask him why he allowed this to happen to my family.  One of the hardest things I ever had to do was to call my parents that night with the news that their son was gone.  The pain in my parents’ voice, I can still hear to this day.  I just suppressed my pain and moved on.  It hurt too much to face the fact that my brother was gone.  He was the only sibling that I was close to and suddenly I began to feel like an only child. I often wonder how my older siblings were taken this loss, but me I went through it alone.  Every time I felt like I had it bad, I could never relate to the pain my parents must have felt by losing a child.  I continued to move around following my husband and his military career, very unsure of my life.

I moved to Hawaii and everything in my relationship that could go wrong did.  My marriage was full of infidelity, disrespect, lack of trust, and most of all God was nowhere in it. I’m not blaming anyone, we were both guilty of contributing pain on each other.  After all, what is expected in a immature teenage marriage?  My pain was changing me, and I didn’t even know myself at the time. I felt so all alone, and unconnected to God.  I started clearly noticing only one set of footprints in my life.  God seemed so far away from me, and I was starting to feel lost.  I prayed for God to remove the stress that I feeling in my marriage away.   I felt it was unnecessary pain that I allowed to come into my life. I wanted to leave the marriage to start my life all over again.  I didn’t like my life, my marriage, or even myself.   From time to time, I thought of my first love and wonder how life would be if we were still together.  I prayed that he wasn’t going through life as I was.

Weeks later at the age of nineteen, I hadn’t heard from my dad in a while and was looking forward to his visit with me in Hawaii.  That wasn’t like him to not call for days.  He always made his where bouts known to me no matter where he was preaching. I called his church where he as pastor often spent his time, and one of the deacons’ answered and said, “Marita your father is very ill and he’s in the hospital. I called the hospital and the doctor told me of his condition. I was told that my father wasn’t going to live much longer and that they had already put him on life support. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. My father didn’t want me to know of his condition until I had to know.  I’m sure it was hard for him to tell me that he was dying, especially because I just lost my brother earlier that year.  He tried to hide his illness from me, my whole entire life, and he succeeded.  I had no idea he was that sick.  Knowing what was happening with my father added to the already existing stress of my marriage.  So I told my husband that I wanted a divorce and that I was going to Washington, D.C to see my dad.  I also told him I would not be returning back to Hawaii.  The stress of losing my brother, having martial issues, and knowing my father was dying, was way too much for me all at one time.  I was tired, and emotionally I needed to rest.

When I arrived at the hospital, my mother and oldest brother was in the waiting area and warned me of my father’s appearance, and that his leg was amputated. As I walked into his room, I didn’t see my father in the manner that was described to me.  My father was still as handsome as ever. I guess that’s what unconditional love really is. No matter how bad other people thought my father looked, he was still perfect in his little girl’s eyes. I sat with my dad, held his hand and told him everything that I ever wanted to say.  He began to open his eyes for the first time in ten day.  Just as a newborn baby his eyes finally opened and were unfocused towards me.   I told him how proud I was of him for raising Lil Westley and me, and began to sing “Encourage My Soul” as I watched a tear rolled down his cheek.  This was the same song him and my mother both sang to me when I was a little girl. Then I told him that I wouldn’t be upset if he was tired and wanted to go be with God.  My father passed the next day. Not even a year from my brother’s departure. My father always said that I was his reason for living and I believed that he was waiting on the okay from me to go.  I’m sure many girls feel a special way about their fathers’, but in my eyes my father was the best father that ever lived.

I did as I said I would. I left my husband. During the time, I was truly a lost soul.  I stayed high and depressed. God was slowly reviling to me that the life I was trying to live was not my true self.  I enrolled myself in college, but had too much on my mind to focus.  Being separated for about 7months, it was time for my son to visit his father in Hawaii. There was no way; I was sending my only child across seas for six months without me.  I was very emotionally unstable, and couldn’t bear having my son away from me that long.  So due to the love I had for my son, I was willing to work things out with his father. I felt as if I lost the males that meant the most to me which were my first love by me moving from Ohio, my father, and my brother. All I had left was my mom and my son.  When I went back to my husband things, just weren’t the same. Spiritually God was dealing with me. Through all of my experiences, I realized my husband and I were going down two different paths. My feelings for him were slowly changing more and more.

After two years of trying to make it work, we had our second child. Even with our daughter born, I still knew, my marriage was going to fail unless God became part of it.  Without God, marriage is a big mess and sin can easily make itself comfortable in your home.  My husband decided after four years of being in the Army, to discharge out.  Of course, this was another trial because the security that our family had was going to be gone and we would have to find a more secure and stable life for our children.  So my husband convinced me that if I moved back to Virginia first to find a job, that would make the transition easier.    My son stayed with him, and I brought our daughter with me, to make it easier for me to find work without worry about daycare for two children. I didn’t feel comfortable leaving my son behind, but his father wanted him there so he wouldn’t be alone.

I moved to Virginia with my daughter and expected my husband and son to join us in a month or so. Well one month turned into two and two into three. I got to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore and started to become stressed out on my new job due to missing my son tremendously, plus my husband, and I were not on good terms.  I called a friend back in Hawaii to vent and let out some frustration, when it was reviled to me that my son was taking from my husband by Social Services a month prior. Although my husband got my son back, he was never going to tell me what had happened.  I believe he was planning to take that to his grave had my friend never found out about the incident.  I was thankful that my friend told me or else I would have never known.  The whole time I was away I called my son every day. During that time, I couldn’t speak to him. My husband told me it was because he was sick and sleeping a lot. Have you ever had your child taken from you and didn’t even know it?  That’s when faith steps in.  Don’t think that when you pray over your babies that God doesn’t hear you.  As a child, I saw my father pray over us, and I did the same for my children.  God protected my baby even when I couldn’t.    By having my baby taken was the last straw.  How could my own husband have our son in a situation where he was taking from him? After all the loved ones that I had lost in my life, I was confused how this could was happen to me also.  The fact that our son was not left with a responsible adult, all to discreetly go to the CLUB was unacceptable in my eyes.  After that experience, I was not willing to deal with my marriage’s mess, drama, and my whole relationship with my husband anymore.

I needed God back into my life to heal me from all the hurt and disappointment that I had experienced in my life.  I couldn’t love anyone at that time in my life because I just learning how to love myself. I told my husband that we were on two different levels and that I needed to strengthen my relationship with God.  I didn’t want to be with anyone who didn’t put God first.  I asked God to remove anything or anyone that was holding me back from getting closer to Him. I was a hot mess and needed to do a self-evaluation.  It was time to get right with God.  I was not fit to be a wife at seventeen years of age, when I exchanged vows.  I didn’t even know who I was yet.   I was starting to realize that life without God was indeed lonely and full of destruction.  It was time to do things God‘s way……Lord I surrender.

This Poem was written for me from my mother.  She presented it to me at my Book Release Party.  Thank you Mom!

THE JOURNEY

From the beginning you heard God’s word while still in the womb

You traveled the country with your father

Evangelizing as the Holy Spirit worked the room

Brother Westley led thousands to be saved, preaching in Jesus’ name

It seems that you are destined to do the same

One foot in front of the other

One step at a time

Sometimes looking back, but moving forward all the time

Saints near and far have whispered your name in prayer

Preparing you for this journey a road lonely and full of despair

Acknowledge All Mighty God in all that you do

Rely on his guidance to always see you through

Pray without ceasing and, of course you must fast

There will be many foul spirits trying to make sure you won’t last

One foot in front of the other

One step at a time

Sometimes looking back, but moving forward all the time

Some friends will fall by the wayside full of envy, jealousy, and strife

Eager to pass judgment about you and your life

I’d like to see them walk a mile in your shoes

I really doubt if they’d be willing to pay all the dues

One foot in front of the other

One step at a time

Sometimes looking back, but moving forward all the time

The seed of spreading Salvation

has been planted deep in your soul

My prayer for you my daughter

is that you will help make others whole

Live life to the fullest, be happy, healthy, and blessed

Smell the roses, enjoy your children, because soon there will be other test

One foot in front of the other

One step at a time

Sometimes looking back, but moving forward all the time

‘The Unspoken Walk” is a book about your trails, tribulations, and pain

But, oh my daughter, look what you have gained

You are strong in the Lord, His power and might

But this strength you have, just didn’t occur over night

The lessons you have learned have really made you think

Now you know for certain

ONLY HAVING joy in the Lord is YOUR STRENGTH

One foot in front of the other

One step at a time

Sometimes looking back, but moving forward all the time

Love Mom,

12/5/2009

Continue Reading “The Unspoken Walk”

About The Author

Marita L Kinney is woman of many talents. A Published Author, Certified Life Coach and Motivational Speaker. Marita has inspired thousands of people to overcome adversity with triumph through faith and perseverance. While facing several life changing challenges herself, Marita had enough faith to conquer tribulations, coming out victorious. Loving God with her whole heart, she has vowed to live a life of transparency winning souls to Christ with the realness of her journey and the relate ability of her testimony. In March of 2009 Marita published her very first book entitled “The Unspoken Walk”. Capturing the true essence of what it means to turn “lemons into lemonade”, she has taken the harsh lessons of life and developed a plan for successfully living. The Unspoken Walk has afforded Marita the opportunity to travel all over the country spreading the wonderful joys of her faith with anyone willing to hear it. Since then she has written magazine articles, hosted Joy Falls Radio, and continues to publish more heartfelt books such as “The Snow’s Meltdown.” Marita proved to be destined to spread God's word like her father, the late Bishop Westley C Robinson. Marita is also wife of Comedian, Saxophonist, and Actor Demoine Kinney. They are the proud parents of six children. She's also a successful business woman. Putting herself through college, Marita is now a graduate of Ashworth University, obtaining two degrees, Business Administration and Human Resources Management. She has established herself as a source of inspiration, influence, and encouragement to many women young and old. She is also an Advocate for The National Bone Marrow Donor Program, helping to educate minorities on the lack of minority donors and how it affects the community. Marita has been selected by the National Association Of Professional Women as the 2010/2011 "Woman of the Year". There young women were able to connect, form strong relational bonds, and develop a support system helping them reach their full potentials. With a heart to serve, she humbly allows God to direct her ministry going wherever the spirit of God leads her.

Books by Marita:

Have you been looking for a book that will wow you and give you true inspiration? Stop looking, you’ve just found it. The author will take you on a journey of spiritual transparency. She will show you how having a relationship with God allowed her to overcome adversity with triumph through faith and perseverance. Though her down-to-earth spiritual experiences will have you at the end of your seat. You will be able to see how God has moved in troublesome situations. This book is a must read.

This will probably be the shortest, yet most powerful book that you'll come across to improve your relationship. As a wife and mother of six, I know the "I'm Tired" line all too well. Well that's until I started to look at my marriage in a different light. This book will offer you a different perspective to have you actually looking forward to being desired by your spouse. "1 Corinthians 7:3-5 "3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.”

I'm not a person who enjoys trying to lose weight, but after 6 kids I wanted to do something to improve my look and overall health. I called up a friend who introduced me to something amazing. Needless to say after losing two inches in my waist the first week without doing any exercise AT ALL, I was truly convinced.

One of the worse feelings to experience while trying to lose weight, is feeling deprived from eating the foods you enjoy most. Well believe it or not...........I still get to have my favorite foods. This book was written to inspire and encourage you to not up give up on your goals. You can get the results you desire!

Life can be hard and the baggage that it leaves can weigh you down. No one can take your baggage away, although you may have tried to get rid of it.  So now what?  You're stuck with you past, your hurt, and your pain.  You must learn to live with all of your baggage, or do you? Who will hold your bags when they get too heavy to carry?

www.MaritaKinney.com

Table of Contents

Copyright

Introduction

Chapter 1 Anniversary Gift

Chapter 2 Girl Talk

Chapter 3 The Announcement

Chapter 4 The Situation

Chapter 5 Breakthrough

Chapter 6 The Appointment

Chapter 7 Weak Moments

Chapter 8 Heart to Heart

Chapter 9 Truth Hurts

Chapter 10 Date Night

Chapter 11 Boiling Point

Chapter 12 Enough

Chapter 13 The Shift

Chapter 14 Come Clean

Chapter 15 The Moment

Chapter 16 Could It Be?

Chapter 17 Reality Check

Chapter 18 The Storm is Passing Over

Chapter 19 The Dead Honest Truth

Chapter 20 The Revelation

Conclusion

BONUS The Unspoken Walk

About The Author

Books by Marita: