Resurrection

Discovering The Beauty of Marriage in the Cross

A Workbook for Married Couples

Healing from Sexual Sin

WINSLET PRESS

Resurrection: Discovering the Beauty of Marriage in the Cross

Copyright © 2010 by George and Ashley Weis

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or bay any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, etc.—except for quotations in reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Library of Congress Control Number: 2010941844

ISBN-10: 0615423647

ISBN-13: 978-0615423647

All scripture is taken from the New King James Bible.

Cover & Interior Design by George Weis of Tekeme Studios

Printed in the United States of America

First Edition: December 2010

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Looking Inward

A Look into the Past

Marriage Vows

Cleaning Out Your Closet

Taking Out the Arrows

Looking Upward

Blessed are the Poor in Spirit, for Theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven

Blessed are Those Who Mourn, for They Shall be Comforted

Blessed are the Meek, They Will Inherit the Earth

Blessed are Those Who Hunger and Thirst for Righteousness; for They Shall be Satisfied

Blessed are the Merciful, for They Shall Receive Mercy

Blessed are the Pure in Heart, for They Shall See God

Blessed are the Peacemakers, They Will be Called Children of God

Blessed are Those Who are Persecuted for Righteousness’ sake, for Theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven

Looking Outward

Ten Questions to Ask Yourself

Fruits of the Spirit Application

Five Ways You Help Porn Ruin Your Marriage

One-Hundred Ways to Love Your Spouse

Heart of a Woman Affected by Porn

Heart of a Man Affected By Porn

Questions & Answers

Husband’s Questions

Wife’s Questions

Other Books by Ashley Weis

Looking Inward

A Look into the Past

Marriage Vows

In the spaces provided, please write down the vows you said to each other before and on the day you were married. Any promises you made to each other from the time you met until the time you married, write them down in a journal.

Cleaning Out Your Closet

Our pasts are part of us. They shouldn’t be ignored, but they shouldn’t be held onto forever either. God will heal us from our past wounds if we allow Him to. But we have to allow Him to. The first step is to get it all out. Don’t suppress anything anymore. If you have been hiding wounds, pushing hurt inside, let it out. Experience pain and suffering for what it is and thank God for it. Literally. Thank Him for allowing you to share in His sufferings. We’ll go over this more later. For now, tear out the following pages of this book and separately write down each of your past wounds, fears, insecurities, pain, and whatever else you can think of that is important. Clean out the closet and share the mess with your spouse.

The Wife

Please answer the following questions and share them with your husband when he is finished his questions and ready to share the answers with you.

Please list all of your past wounds in your journal. You’ll notice that I’ve included a great deal of space for this question. You can include everything up until today. Things that have hurt you, when people have betrayed or belittled you, maybe even when you’ve hurt yourself.

The Husband

Please answer the following questions and share them with your wife when she is finished her questions and ready to share the answers with you.

Please list all of your past wounds here. You’ll notice that I’ve included a great deal of space for this question. You can include everything up until today. Things that have hurt you, when people have betrayed or belittled you, maybe even when you’ve hurt yourself.

Moving On

It’s not just sin that can keep us from true love and relationships. It’s our own wounds. God desires you, not just pieces of you. And the same is true in a marriage relationship. A spouse doesn’t want leftover love, a spouse desires all of you. Wounds keep us from real love because they often keep us too focused on ourselves to really love someone else.

You have faced your past. You have written down all of your wounds. We have brought light to the places we have kept hidden. If you’re still hiding something, let it out before we move on in this workbook. Allow God to illuminate the darkest shadows of your life. There is so much freedom in the light, but first we have to welcome the light.

It’s not wrong to cry or feel pain, even now, from wounds of the past. Often we hide behind masks and pretend not to be hurt, but it’s okay to hurt. Burying our pain or turning our pain into anger is not okay, but there is nothing wrong with tears. If we do not allow ourselves to grieve over the sin and wounds of our own lives, how can we ever truly grieve for others?

Taking Out the Arrows

Since our childhood the devil has been at work, trying to bring us down in any way he can. He knows our weaknesses and our strengths, and he wants to attack both of them with his arrows. Think about the arrows in your own heart and answer the following questions individually, then answer the marriage questions together.

Individual Questions to Share with Each other

+ What arrows are currently in your heart?

+ What tactics is the devil using to get these arrows into your heart?

+ What causes you to draw away from God?

+ What causes you to be selfish?

+ What are you doing to protect yourself from these arrows?

+ How do you think these arrows have gotten into the heart of your marriage?

+ Is your marriage centered on God? What do you think a marriage centered on God should look like?

+ What are you doing together to fight against these arrows flying at your marriage?

Moving Forward

Spending too much time in the past isn’t required for this workbook, but we do think the time we have spent was necessary to complete the rest of these pages. It’s important for you to know where you came from before you can move forward. It’s important for you to let go of your past before you can make a brighter future. Yes, our past is part of the reason we are the way we are today, but it’s not an excuse. It’s important to forgive and not dwell on memories, even if you may never forget them.

It’s also necessary to know which arrows are in your hearts and the heart of your marriage before you can take them out and work on keeping them out. In the next section we will look upward, toward God, and through the beatitudes of Jesus we will discover what marriage in the cross looks like and how to find the resurrection of our relationship. Before we can look outward in love, we have to look up. Imagine a cross. In order to love horizontally, we have to first love and receive love vertically.

Looking Upward

Blessed are the Poor in Spirit, for Theirs is the Kingdom of heaven

Dependency in Marriage

Who do you depend on to keep your marriage happy? The answer to this question can majorly impact your marriage. Are you depending on your spouse’s actions to keep your marriage beautiful? Are you depending on your own actions? Or are you depending on God?

When lust enters a marriage through betrayal and lies it can often distort our view of a healthy, beautiful marriage. A woman may start to believe that her husband has to get in line in order for her own heart to thrive. A man may think his wife needs to let go of the control and insecurities and let him live in order for his own heart to thrive. And both husband and wife may blame each other for the destruction of their marriage. He lied. She doesn’t have sex with me. He looked at other women right in front of me, after he said he didn’t lust anymore. She watches me like I’m a two-year-old, I didn’t get married to have another mother.

So, who are you depending on to keep your marriage happy?

Thankful for Suffering

We so often try to avoid suffering that we don’t realize it’s something to be thankful for. When our husband’s betray us, we should be thankful. When our wives try to control us out of their pain, we should be thankful. It’s so counter-cultural, but that is the beauty of true thankfulness. To learn to be thankful not just when everything goes our way, but always.

Thankfulness is being grateful and appreciative. So, how can we possible be grateful for being cheated on or manipulated? Well, we can’t, but we can be thankful for suffering, because suffering brings us closer to the heart of Jesus. So many of us are more than okay to share in the joys of Christ. No problem. We’d love to experience a resurrection, but who wants to go through the pain before the resurrection?

Depend on God, Defend Your Marriage

It’s not right if your husband or wife is placing his desires above your own, but in a sense . . . you are doing the same by focusing on yourself. When this happens we often like to be the victim, both of us, husband and wife. We fight to be the one who is the victim and we defend ourselves more than we defend our marriage. That’s one of the biggest problems with any conflict in marriage.

If we are depending on the other person for our joy or the joy of our marriage, we will be let down. We weren’t made to fill every need of each other. That’s the role of God in our lives. God is the only one who will not let us down. So, let’s depend on Him. For everything. When you are suffering know that you are sharing in the suffering of Jesus Christ. Isn’t that beautiful? When we are tempted to be stressed out, anxious, angry, or upset that things aren’t going the way we planned or desire them to, we need to stop and thank God. Literally. Stop and thank Him for suffering because it makes us better, more like Him.

We stop defending our marriage together because we are too busy defending our individual “rights” and hearts.

We see this in so many emails we receive. The woman explains why she feels like he’s in the wrong, and I bet he explains to himself why she’s in the wrong. She’s telling him he’s got issues, he’s telling her she’s got issues. You’re both defending yourselves too much. Pain has a way of making us selfish. It causes us to look inward and focus on ourselves too much. It makes us believe we have “rights.” It makes us love based on how much others love us. Our love for others is contingent on their actions toward us. We also like to be the victim. We feel wronged and we believe we are in the right. So when the person who has hurt us says, “No, you have issues. I am in the right,” then they proceed to defend themselves, we get upset because we know we are the victims. So, we defend ourselves and the cycle continues until someone gives up and leaves.

Think of Jesus.

He was wrongly accused. He was laughed at, mocked, beaten for something He didn’t do. But He suffered without trying to defend Himself. He knew who He was. He was so confident in His innocence that He didn’t need to stoop to the level of those accusing Him of something He didn’t do. He loved anyway. He was asked to get off the cross and prove who He was, prove that He was the one who was right. Did He? And if He did maybe they would’ve accused Him of being prideful.

I can’t see Him hopping off the cross and saying, “I told you so! I’m the Son of God! Now, let me finish what I need to do.”

No, He knew they would one day know the truth. He didn’t need to defend Himself on earth or puff up His pride and show them who He really was.

And all the while . . . suffering, dying, being wrongly accused, what did He do instead of proving that He was right? He said, “Father, forgive them . . . they know not what they do.”

He was focused still on loving others, even the people who were wrongly accusing Him and killing Him.

That . . . that is love.

Be dependent on God only. Love through the love He pours into you. The way Jesus loved is the way we should love our spouses.

We should be thinking of the other person and loving them, even if they are hurting us. We shouldn’t be so set on being right or justified in our pain or actions. We shouldn’t be so set on how we feel or how deep our pain is . . . we should be focused on loving others. To be poor in spirit is to be dependant on God for all of your needs.

Allowing Joy & Thankfulness to Permeate Your Life

Change the way you think. Thankfulness will bring joy. You can be content in all things, just as Paul said in his letter to the Corinthians, but it comes from a thankful heart. Thankful not just for expensive gadgets and food on the table, but thankful when we can’t pay our bills and have to eat Ramen noodles every day of the week. We have to learn to look at these times as opportunities for growth and beauty in our lives. We have to learn to look past the pain of the cross and see the resurrection.

True joy comes when we know that no matter how deep our

current pain is . . . God is with us.

Loving the Unlikeable

Isn’t it amazing? When we meet our spouses we are so in love, so excited about love, that we gloss over flaws and highlight all of his/her good qualities. The flaws are there. And they still are. Now, in the midst of a marriage healing from pornography and lies, it’s even worse. Good qualities are glossed over and flaws are brought to the surface. Suddenly he chews too loud and never listens. She nags too much and never respects.

VERSE TO REMEMBER

Phillipians 4:8-9 “Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.”

EXERCISE

Throughout your day, whenever you think a negative thought about yourself, your spouse, your marriage, or anything, stop yourself and think three positive thoughts. Do this literally every single time you have a negative thought. If we are going to allow joy to enter our lives, we have to purge negative thinking from our thoughts. This includes lust.

EXAMPLES

He always defends himself. » He is a servant-hearted man. He tries to love me, even if I don’t think it’s enough. He made dinner last night and helped clean up the living room without complaining.

She is too demanding. » She is so gentle, even when I think she’s demanding. I love the way she lets me hold her hand, even when she’s hurting. She forgave me after all of those lies and all the porn I looked at.

I wish I could look like her. » I am beautiful. God looks at me and delights in me. There is no comparison—I am me and she is her, both uniquely designed to be beautiful.

There’s a provocative woman. » That woman is a child of God who is so wrapped up in this world’s lies that she feels the need to show off her body to get attention. I want to pray for that woman and hope she finds freedom from the beauty lies this world gives us. I love my wife and know that there is no one better than her for me.

SUMMING IT UP

When Jesus was tempted by the devil He didn’t start crying or get scared. He didn’t look at the devil confused, wondering what truth really was. He didn’t defend Himself. What did He do?

He raised His sword and put the devil in His place. In Ephesians 6 we see the “armor of God.” A belt of truth. Breastplate of righteousness. Feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. The shield of faith to keep away those deadly arrows from the devil. A helmet of salvation to protect your mind. Prayer. Alertness and awareness of the evil around you. And … can’t forget this one. The sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God.

There we go. When Jesus was tempted by the devil He responded with scripture and sent the devil running. Raise your shield of faith and your sword of the Spirit. Respond to every lie and every negative thought with the truth and beauty of God’s Word.

Blessed are Those Who Mourn, for They Shall be Comforted

Judging Your Spouse

When betrayal enters a marriage it completely distorts our perspectives of our marriages and ourselves. When sin enters our hearts, it distorts our perspectives of our relationships and ourselves. It’s so easy to allow lies to reside in our hearts, so much easier than it is to be blinded by the truth.

This is why it’s so important for us to mourn the sin in our lives and relationships. To be grieved not because our husband’s lied to us or our wives are not doing what we think they should be doing, but to be grieved because of the sin in our lives that affects our relationships. To mourn because sin hinders growth not only in our hearts and marriages, but also in our relationships with God.

Recognizing and Mourning Effects of Our Sins

To be able to mourn our sins, we need to recognize them. We can’t make excuses for our problems with lust or our porn addictions. We have to call them what they are. And we can’t make excuses for our insecurities or covetousness. Call them what they are. Both husbands and wives need to face their sins head on, instead of hiding them behind masks. Face you own sin before you point fingers at your spouse. If we want to move forward, we have to be willing to accept the past and present mistakes we have made and the mistakes we’ll make in the future.

As children we are always told to clean up our messes as a way of learning responsibility. It’s one thing to make a mess in your own room, but to make a mess in someone else’s room and leave it there for them to clean up isn’t responsible or caring. Husbands who betray their wives with porn addictions already have a mess in their own hearts and they end up making a mess in the hearts of their wives. Instead of cleaning up the messes they make, they often expect their wives to clean up after them and let them go about their ways. Wives also have a mess in their own hearts (insecurities and past wounds) and when their husband’s porn usage creates another huge mess, wives often contribute to the mess rather than cleaning up. It’s a terrible cycle if both aren’t willing to accept responsibility for their parts in the mess and start cleaning up.

This isn’t about placing blame or judging our spouses. It’s about recognizing our own sins. But it doesn’t end there.

Confessing Sins and Honesty in Marriage

It’s important not only to recognize our sins, but also to confess them. A marriage without honesty will keep walls between a husband and wife and keep them from true intimacy. The level of details you share in honesty should be discussed now and carried out into the future.

Wife’s Idea of Honesty

Take some time right now to write down what you, the wife, feel you need to know in your husband’s struggle with porn. Try not to follow your emotions here. We often want to know every detail about every woman our husband’s see. But if we do this we will reinforce his temptation to lust by making me consciously register every single woman he sees. Remember that seeing a woman is different than lusting over a woman or desiring her in some way. Be fair in your idea of honesty, and write down what this means to you and how you desire your husband to tell you things.

Example

I would like for you to call me when you are in public and actually lust over another woman. I don’t need to know details, just that you have fallen so that I can encourage you and help you back up. I would also like for you to be honest with me about your struggle. Don’t tell me it’s a good day just because you fear my reaction to a bad day. Please be honest with me and I will do my best to respond in love, instead of anger. I, also, will be honest with you when I am feeling insecure in a setting or during a certain movie we are watching, instead of letting it well up inside.

Husband’s Idea of Honesty

Now, husband, take some time to write down how you would like honesty to play out in your marriage. Remember your wife’s heart and her desires. You want to clean up the mess you have made, so start here with honesty. Also, let her know how much you want to know from her own struggles with insecurity and pain.

Example

I will tell you whenever I lust, but not every single temptation that crosses my path. I don’t think it is wise to focus so much on temptations. I would rather rid those immediately and focus on something positive. I promise to call you whenever I fall and let you know. Please don’t keep things from me either. Sometimes I don’t always respond in love and I know I need to work on not defending myself and hearing your heart, but I still want to know how you feel. If you want me to hold you, tell me, instead of telling me the opposite and expecting me to somehow know.

Wife’s Sins

Now, think about your own heart and confess the sins you have committed that have affected your marriage to your husband. Write a list in the spaces below and talk through them with your spouse, asking for forgiveness and grace.

Example

1.) I’m sorry for caring for my own heart and not trying

to see where you are coming from.

2.) I’m sorry for locking you out of the house and taking

off my rings. I know that God receives us back when

we sin and I should do the same for you.

3.) I’m sorry for being jealous of other women so much

that I try to control your life and keep you locked up

like a hermit.

4.) I’m sorry for not allowing you to rebuild trust because

I’m too hurt to accept your changes right now.

5.) I’m sorry for breaking so many of my promises to you

since the day we met.

Husband’s Sins

Husband, think about your own heart and confess the sins you have committed that have affected your marriage to the woman you married. Write a list in the spaces below and talk through them with her, asking for forgiveness and grace.

Example

1.) I’m sorry for choosing other women over you and

lusting over others who are not mine.

2.) I’m sorry for objectifying you and others for my

own self-pleasure.

3.) I’m sorry for lying and hiding things from you.

4.) I’m sorry for my selfishness in expecting you to heal

overnight, focusing on my own desires to move on

from this, and not stopping to understand your heart.

5.) I’m sorry for breaking so many of my promises to

you since the day we met.

Now, don’t end there. Each of you confess to each other sins you have committed that may not have directly affected your marriage. Lying to a co-worker. Choosing yourself over others. Practice confessing your sins to each other always. The more you keep sin unveiled and hide it in a dark corner of your heart, the easier it is to give in to temptations and continue sinning in other areas. Allow God to constantly shine a light into the darkest corners of your heart by confessing to Him and to your spouse, and the people you sin against.

Finding Comfort in Honesty

When you are honest with each other, don’t leave it at that. Instead of focusing on the sin your spouse confesses to you, focus on his/her heart. If your husband confesses that he has masturbated in the shower don’t jump into defense mode. Don’t allow your pain to turn into anger. Instead, listen to his heart, pray for him, and express to him how his sin has hurt you. Remember, we don’t sweep messes under rugs. We get them out in the open and help each other clean up. Don’t hide your pain behind anger. Tell your husband how you really feel.

Husbands, when your wife confesses that she is insecure and uncomfortable watching a movie, listen to her heart. Don’t defend your desire to watch the movie. Remember that she is hurting because you have chosen other women over her. She feels unattractive to you in every way, not just physically. When you choose other women over your wife, you are telling her, “You are not captivating enough to keep my attention. I love myself and my lustful pleasures more than I love you.” You may not ever think this or mean this, but that is the message you send to her heart. Clean up your mess. If she confesses something to you and is hurting, pray for her, be there for her in whatever way she desires, and fight for her. If she is uncomfortable with a movie ask yourself if movies are really more important than your wife. Then, when you come to your senses, turn the TV off and look into your wife’s eyes and tell her why you married her.

And both of you . . . mourn the sin in this world. The more we love God, the more we will hate sin. If you hate sin you will mourn sin and all the effects it brings to people and relationships. Mourn the effects of your sin, but don’t sit around and mope about what you’ve done. True mourning over sin will lead you to confession and repentance, which leads you to reconciliation and hope. God can heal your marriage and your heart. He will bring comfort to you. But you must mourn the damage your sin causes those around you.

Faithfulness in the Midst of Pain

One of our biggest hopes for your marriage is that you will learn to turn a negative moment into something positive. So, when one of you confesses a sin or maybe you have to be honest with your spouse and you know it will hurt. After you confess these things, pray with each other and for each other. Then, sit down and write a list to counteract your sins.

Let’s start now. Take those lists you wrote earlier in this section and for each number write down a way you can love your spouse in that same vein.

Wife’s Faithfulness in Love

Dear wife, write down a list of ways you will love your husband through the pain you are going through.

Example

1.) I will listen to your heart before I judge and criticize you.

2.) I will not run away or ask you to leave when I am upset.

3.) I will let you live your life and go out in public without

begging you to give me a list of everything you see.

4.) When I see changes in you I will allow my heart to slowly

trust you again.

5.) I will try to be the best wife I can be.

Husband’s Sins

Dear husband, write down a list of ways you will love your wife through the confusion and frustration you are going through.

Example

1.) I will prove to you with my actions that I choose you

and only you to be the beauty of my heart.

2.) I will learn more about God’s beauty and how to see

this world and women through His eyes. I want to love

you and everyone through Him.

3.) I will be honest no matter how much I think it will hurt

you or embarrass me. I won’t ever tell a white lie either.

And if I slip up, I’ll tell you.

4.) I will try to understand your heart better, read any books

you want me to read, and really listen to you when you

pour your heart out.

5.) I will try to be the best husband I can be.

VERSE TO REMEMBER

Proverbs 3:2-4 “For length of days and long life, and peace they will add to you. Let not mercy and truth forsake you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart, and so find favor and high esteem in the sight of God and man.”

Exercise

We’ve written down a list of our sins and ways to show love and faithfulness. Whenever you confess something in the future, do something positive that will help you turn something negative into something positive. Now, one more exercise in this section we’d like you to do is list the effects of your sins and talk about how your actions effect each other and ask each other you can do to encourage and lift each other up, instead of tearing each other down. Remember not to defend your sin, but to get it out there, admit to it, and turn away from it toward love.

Example

Effect of Husband’s Sin:

When I looked at porn it made my wife feel betrayed. I cheated, and she feels like she’ll never measure up or trust me again. » How can I encourage you as my wife and treasure and help you to trust me again?

Effect of Wife’s Sin:

When I become angry and try to control everything you do it makes you feel emasculated and like you married a mom. You feel like you will never be able to have a joyful marriage again because of my insecurity and jealousy. » What can I do to express my pain and uncomfortable feelings with you, but still make you feel like the man of the house? How can I share my insecurities with you without making you feel like I’m tearing you down?

Summing It Up

Hopefully, by recognizing your sins and the effects of them you will naturally mourn the sin in this world and your heart and hate what it does to you and your marriage. There is comfort for you that God desperately wants to wrap around you and your marriage, but it starts with your honesty. You cannot mourn sin if you keep it hidden. It must be exposed through honesty and through that exposure you will learn to grieve over your sins, instead of defending them. Throughout this process (which should be every day) you will experience the comfort of God.

Blessed are the Meek, They Will Inherit the Earth

The Beauty of Meekness

I love this. We just spent the last chapter focusing on our sin. Being poor in spirit and mourning our sin reveals the state of our own hearts. But meekness? Meekness shows the state of our own hearts in relation to God. The beauty of meekness is that it focuses on something positive. Instead of focusing on our sins, we focus on God’s holiness. And we respond to that holiness in meekness.

This world throws lies in our heart all the time. Success is related to joy. We inherit all we need by working and supplying our own needs. We need bread? We get a job, make a few dollars, then we buy our bread and eat it, thanking ourselves for making the doe for the dough.

Meekness is related to poverty of spirit in that it shows our dependence on God, not ourselves. Meekness is often seen as boring and weak. Sounds very masculine, right guys? But it’s not about that. Jesus wasn’t declaring that cowards are going to inherit the earth. The Greek word “pareis” used for meek is defined as gentle or mild. And while the world often likes to tell us that gentleness is for sissy’s . . . gentleness is a beautiful trait and obviously an important one or Jesus wouldn’t have mentioned it.

Motivation for Actions

There are two main underlying motivations for every action in your life. You can only be one or the other. Pride or humility. Selfishness or selflessness. Self-love or meekness.

Meekness doesn’t defend itself, it’s too busy loving others. Let’s put this into action for an exercise. Wives, write down a list of recent good and bad actions you have seen your husband do recently. Husbands, please do the same thing for your wives. Then, after you write your lists discuss them and tell each other what your motivations for these actions really were. Remember, honesty is key here. Don’t defend yourself, admit when you have done something wrong and explain your heart with your spouse in mind, not yourself.

Husband’s Actions & Motivations

Example:

Action: You recently told me that you won’t stick around if I don’t change.

Motivation: I said that because I was thinking of myself and it feels like I can’t win in this situation.

Action: You recently brought home a dozen roses.

Motivation: I really want to show you that I’m trying.

Wife’s Actions & Motivations

Example:

Action: You took off your wedding rings and said you can’t handle this marriage anymore.

Motivation: It’s really hard for me to trust you right now. Sometimes I don’t even know who you are because of the lies. It was selfish of me to give up in that moment. I was just felt emotionally beaten.

Action: You recently let me hold your hand.

Motivation: I’m really trying to show you that I love you and want to work at this, even though it was really, really hard for me to allow you to touch me in that way again.

Selflessness vs. Selfishness

These two ways of living are self-explanatory. But let’s look at them in this situation via two fictionalized situations. Both spouses in the first example will be selfish, and both will be selfless in the second.

Selfishness in Marital Conflict From Porn

John hid porn from his wife, Anna, for five years of their marriage. She found a link on the computer and three months later they are standing in their kitchen when John comes home from work.

Anna continues washing the dishes and doesn’t acknowledge her husband’s presence. She is still upset because she asked him the night before to stop watching TV and using the computer when she’s not around, and he said he wasn’t married to his mother and can do whatever he wants to do.

He puts his keys on the kitchen counter and says, “Hey.”

She ignores him.

“Look, you need to get over this sometime soon, Anna. Your entire family thinks your nuts. My family does, too. You are blowing this way out of proportion. You know men are visual. I can’t help the way God made me.”

She slams a dish in the sink and storms out of the kitchen.

He follows. “You are such a baby. When are you going to grow up?”

Tears in her angry eyes, she turns to him. “You don’t even know what you’ve put me through. I don’t care what anyone thinks, this hurts. You’ve ruined my life.”

“You’ve ruined my life. If I knew you were like this insecure I would have never married you.”

“Well, if I knew you couldn’t keep your hand out of your pants I wouldn’t have married you.”

They go to bed separately. Anna sleeps in the bedroom. John sleeps on the couch, three feet away from Anna’s wedding rings on the dining room table.

Selflessness in Marital Conflict From Porn

Same couple, same day, different outcome:

Anna continues washing the dishes and doesn’t acknowledge her husband, John’s, presence. She is still upset because she asked him the night before to stop watching TV and using the computer when she’s not around, and he said he wasn’t married to his mother and can do whatever he wants to do.

He puts his keys on the kitchen counter and says, “Hey.”

She ignores him.

“Look, I am so sorry for everything that has happened. I know you are hurting so much. I know I’ve made you feel like you’ll never measure up. I am just a stupid guy with a stupid problem. I hate lust. I hate what it’s done to us. I want it gone and I want you back.”

She puts down a dish and looks at him. “I’m sorry, too. I know I often ask crazy things of you. I know you enjoy watching TV, but it really makes me feel uncomfortable right now. Every commercial makes me feel like I need something I don’t have in order to be beautiful. I just want to be beautiful to you without seeing images that make me feel like I need to compete every five seconds.”

“I know, I know. I’m sorry, Anna. If the TV bothers you that much, I’ll get rid of it.”

“No. I don’t want you to do something you don’t want to do. I will try to get over this.”

John smiles at her, walks into the living room, unplugs the TV, picks it up, and tosses it out an open window. He turns back to her and grins. “Gone. I love you more.”

“John! You really didn’t have to do that. How will you be able to afford another one of those?”

“I’ll tell you what. When our marriage is better than it has ever been before . . . you get me a TV when you feel comfortable with it.”

John and Anna went to sleep with hope that their marriage may actually be more beautiful than it’s ever been before.

Love God, Love Others

In the two examples above we saw John and Anna focused on their own desires and watched their marriage crumble, then we saw them focused on each other and watched their marriage spring toward hope. Selfishness and pride will destroy your marriage and yourself. You may think you are loving yourself by trying to get your way and defending your rights and desires, but you really aren’t. We’ll get in to that next. For now, let’s focus on God.

Cling to Him. Seek Him. Make God number one in your life and heart. It is only through His love that you will be able to love others.

You know, meekness doesn’t mean you never get angry. It does mean, however, that your anger is righteous and under control. When you love God more than yourself you will get angry only when He is dishonored, not yourself. You will humbly accept criticism and love others, because you know your value is in God alone, not what others think of you.

Love God, then love others. The more you love Him, the more you will mourn sin and find yourself living in meekness. You will forgive more, because He forgives you. You will defend God and others and not yourself.

Healthy Love of Self

We don’t just exclude ourselves completely. You need to remember your value in Him. You are God’s child. Do you realize how important you are to Him? Men, your worth is not determined by how much your wife believes you or what people at church think of your porn addiction. Ladies, your worth is not determined by your husband’s opinion of beauty or anyone (including yourself) thinks of you. Shame and insecurity hide us from truth.

Truth is God staring us right in the eyes and saying, “Yes, you mess up, you fail, you make mistakes . . . but I love you more than that.”

You. Are. Worth. The. Cross. Imagine Jesus’ pain as He fell with the cross tumbling down on top Him. Look closely and you will find your name written there in His wounds. He died for you. You are precious. And you are not alone in your suffering. Look to Him for your value. There is no “enough” to our Lord. You are unique. Your neighbor is unique. And we are all loved just as we are, failures and all. That kind of love . . . that is the kind of love that spurns us to desire to love God and love others with all that we are. His love for us shouldn’t make us want to rest in our sin, it should call us to live like Jesus did. To love others more than ourselves. To show this love through actions.

VERSE TO REMEMBER

Proverbs 18:12 “Before destruction the heart of a man is haughty, and before honor is humility.”

Exercise

Let’s take some time here to write down our value in God’s eyes. But let’s switch it up a little. Husbands, write a paragraph or two to your wife. Tell her how valuable and precious she is to God and why. Show her what makes her special and uniquely her. Wives, do the same for your husbands.

Examples

Value of husband:

Dearest George, you are so valued by our Lord that He sent His son to die for you. You struggle with lust and sin, but He loves you anyway. He forgives you. Your heart is so precious to Him. You are sweet and kind, so servant-hearted even in the midst of all this horrible stuff we’re going through. He created you with such passion and talent. Your creativity is a shining example of His beauty. You are enough to Him. No matter how hard the battle gets, He is fighting with you.

Value of wife:

Dearest Ashley, your value has nothing to do with the beauty standards of this world. Don’t allow my distorted view or your own distorted view of beauty hide the truth. You are God’s beautiful daughter. You are so fun and wild. You don’t ever give anything 50% of you. It’s all or nothing. You climb this hill with me, even when it’s hard. You are beautiful because He created you to be the only you in this world. You are enough to Him. You. Are. Enough.

Summing It Up

Living in meekness means we find our value in God and we seek to see others through His very eyes. We don’t dwell on flaws, we highlight positives, just like we did when we first met our spouses. We love others more than we love others. And more than anything, we love God with all that we are. We don’t rest in our own ability to make doe to buy dough, we remember that what we have is given to us as a gift from God. The job we’re given to make the doe for the dough is given to us from God.

In Him, we are provided with all of our needs when we rest in our meekness and allow Him to be God in our lives, instead of trying to be our own gods. We recognize our own inability to be perfect, and we find our perfection in our weaknesses. Because it’s there in our weaknesses that we glorify God the most, showing that He is the only perfect one.

Blessed are Those Who Hunger and Thirst for Righteousness; for They Shall be Satisfied

Passionately Seeking God

It is in God that we find our value and worth. When a wife first discovers her husband’s porn addiction so many people tell her this. And that’s a beautiful truth, but how do you live that way? How does a wife find her value fully in God and not her husband when he is the most important person in her world and just told her (by his actions) that she’s not good enough? How does a husband find his value fully in God when he tries to climb out of lust and his wife never thinks he does anything right or believes anything he says?

Passionately seek God with all that you are. For us, there was no greater aid to our healing than this. We are stuck in a culture that wants us to feel like we don’t measure up so that we keep buying their products or giving in to temptations that give some person somewhere more money in his/her pocket. This world wants you to strive after unattainable goals, to be admired and pushed aside for someone else to be admired. According to the world, there’s always someone out there better than you.

But when we passionately seek God and turn from this world we begin to see ourselves differently. We also begin to see the world differently. Because we are no longer seeing the world through our own eyes, we’re seeing it through His.

Made in God’s Image

Scripture says we are made according to the image of God (Genesis 1:26). In 2 Corinthians 4:3-4 Paul mentions that the image of God is Jesus Christ. That means that we are patterned after Jesus Himself. Before time began, He is our blueprint. In His earthly life He is the fullest example of a complete human being. He is the means of becoming all that we are intended to be. Every person, whether sinner or saint, is fundamentally created for this purpose and after His image.

Think about that. If everyone is created to be in the image of God (which is Christ), then there is only one way that we should view all people. We must reverence them. Respect them. Love them. In a matter fitting of the Lord Himself. Jesus identifies Himself with people when He says, “I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.” Here He shows the sanctity and dignity of every human person, especially the lowly.

For husbands, this means that there is no room for treating women as objects. They are not objects, no matter how much they project themselves to be. They are human beings with the dignity and beauty of being created in the image of God. Porn stars are precious in His sight. They are not to be used for a perverted self-pleasure, they are to be loved and respected, not for what they do, but for who they are underneath the mess . When you see a woman, you should see Jesus in her, regardless of her actions.

For wives, this means that there is no room for believing that you are not good enough. You are created in the image of God. Jesus Christ is in your framework. You are beautiful in His sight, precious, just the way you are. Take an erasable crayon or marker and draw an image of Jesus on every mirror of your house. Learn to look through Him and at Him when you look at yourself. Do not be jealous of others and desire to be an object to men. Know that you are worth far more than eye candy. You are you, created in His image, to reflect His glory.

Both of you, this means that there is no room to highlight each other’s flaws and overlook the beauty of Jesus in each of you. During this time of healing we are so quick to point fingers, so quick to judge each other. Instead, choose to see Jesus in each other and love each other through this time. Put down the fingers, and love.

Distorted Longing for God

We often make things or the pursuit of things into gods. This is idolatry. We often measure our own worth (or the worth of others) by a measuring cup from the world. Success and beauty are not measured by God’s hand, they are measured by how much stuff we have, how cool we look to the world, how holy we seem, how attractive we are, how thin we are, etc.

We find distractions and attachments to cling to, instead of clinging to Christ. Sometimes we cling to our quiet time, thinking we are so righteous. We cling to our cleanliness, hoping the world sees how well we keep it together on the outside. We cling to our issues with lust or jealousy, instead of allowing God to transform us. And we distract ourselves with whatever we can because we don’t know what to do with ourselves and we don’t want to see the truth. We’d rather hide from it.

We try to fill ourselves and find joy in marriage, relationships, cars, entertainment, food, lust, etc., because we haven’t yet realized that God is all we need. When we have idols, we are really longing for God. Idols, attachments, and distractions are a distorted longing for God.

The Pharisees found 613 commandments in the Scriptures and debated about the most central one. So, they asked Jesus what the greatest commandment in the law is. He replied, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.” You can find this in Matthew 22:37. We are longing to love God with all of our hearts, souls, and minds. But too often we take this longing and turn toward the world. We long for stuff, for porn, for the world to think we’re beautiful and successful. This longing for stuff will always be unfulfilling, because it’s nothing but a distorted longing for God.

Turn the energy you put toward longing for things of this world, and long for God.

Breaking Your Idols

The more you seek God and long for Him, the more you will despise idols in your life. There is a beautiful Ross King song called “Clear the Stage.” Go look it up and take a listen. There’s a verse in the song where he talks about idols. He says that anything we want with all our hearts, anything we put before God, anything we can’t stop thinking about, is an idol. We worship these things and they aren’t worth it. We need to “clear the stage” and make room for God, the one we are truly longing for when we try to fulfill that longing by seeking things in this world. What better way to clear the stage then to break your idols? We need to smash them and make room for our beautiful God. How fun!

Wife’s Idols

Dear wife, take some time to write down a list of idols in your life. Share these things with your husband and discuss how he can encourage you to keep these idols from being idols in your heart.

Example

1.) Being the most beautiful woman in the world

2.) My husband

3.) Make-up, fashion, and looking good to others

4.) Nice things

5.) Status to the world

Husband’s Idols

Dear husband, take some time to write down a list of idols in your life. Share these things with your wife and discuss how she can encourage you to keep these idols from being idols in your heart.

Example

1.) Women and lust

2.) Power

3.) Material possessions

4.) Money

5.) Status to the world

Real Satisfaction and Fulfillment

This world tricks us. It makes us believe the idols we listed above will fulfill us. There may even be idols that come to our minds, but we don’t list them because we are so attached that we don’t want to get rid of them. We’ll make up excuses as to why it’s not an idol before we’ll lay it down. But if we continue to long for anything more than we long for God, we’ll never find true satisfaction and fulfillment.

This is also a source of addiction. Addictions to pornography, addictions to keeping up our appearances. We are looking to something other than God to fulfill us in any way. Instead of looking to God for lasting pure pleasure, we look to lust for momentary perverted pleasure. Instead of looking to God for lasting beauty, we look to the world for fleeting, artificial beauty. And we become addicted because we’re never fulfilled by these things.

Restlessness of Heart

When we seek God with all of our hearts, minds, and souls, we will find ourselves in deep fellowship with our King. When we seek the world with all of our hearts, minds, and souls, we will find ourselves restless, never fulfilled, and separated from God.

We all have a longing within us to be whole, to be satisfied. That’s not wrong. But the objects we use to find satisfaction can be wrong. There is only one object of genuine satisfaction. Seek Him with your entire being and wash the restlessness away.

Seeking Affirmation from God

Husbands and wives both seek affirmation from each other to a point that is not even possible to give each other. Our husbands cannot define our beauty or worth. They can appreciate or the beauty God creates in us, but they cannot create, define, or change it. Our wives cannot determine our manhood, strength, and ability to be the leader of the home. They can, however, appreciate our strength.

Neither husband or wife can define the value of the other, so they should also not be given room to devalue it either. Our value, no matter how distorted our view of it becomes, is in God’s eyes alone. A husband may have a distorted view of his wife and a wife to her husband, but that doesn’t change the real value under the distortions. We cannot create the value of another, so why do we tear others down so much?

A hurting wife believes that she is not good enough because she buys into the world’s lies and her husband’s lies. Wives, seek affirmation in God alone, because any feeling of “not good enough” is a distortion. It’s not truth. Don’t believe it. A recovering husband believes that he is not good enough because he buys into the world’s lies and his wife’s accusations. Husbands, seek affirmation in God alone, because no one on this earth can tell you how much of a man you are or aren’t.

We need to take off the foggy glasses of deception and see ourselves, our spouses, and others through the eyes of truth. And in that truth you will find the affirmation your soul longs for. You are created by the hand of Perfection.

Cultivate your relationship with God and seek affirmation in Him only. It is when we hunger and thirst for things of this world that we will starve. When we hunger and thirst for righteousness, for God, we will be satisfied by His presence in our lives.

Getting Rid of Distortions

Love restores and sin distorts. If we want our marriages to thrive we need to love God, take our value out of our spouse’s hands, and express our love in words and actions.

Actions build trust and foster a relationship. When actions are not present in expressing love, love may still be there, but the relationship will suffer and walls will build between a husband and wife.

To keep walls from building we need honesty and openness. We need trust and love expressed faithfully by actions. We need faithfulness not only in good times, but in the worst of times as well. Sin distorts our view of everything, but love suffocates distortions.

Take some time in the spaces below to write down how you can break down current walls in your marriage. Then, write down how you can actively love each other.

VERSE TO REMEMBER

Proverbs 14:14 “The backslider in heart will be filled with his own ways, but a good man will be satisfied from above.”

Exercise

In the spaces provided write a letter from God to yourself.

Examples

Husband’s Letter

Dear son, I created you because I love you. I want a relationship with you beyond this world. You were created by me, for me, and when you seek things in this world that are not meant to fulfill you, you will not be satisfied. You are a man. A courageous man who has fallen too many times in this battle. Stand up and fight with my strength in you. I will help you, just call on me.

Wife’s Letter

Dearest daughter, I created you because I love you and desire you. You fight so much to be beautiful to the world. When will you realize that to be beautiful is to be at rest in who I made you to be? You cannot find fulfillment in the world’s view of beauty. It’s not mean to fulfill. It’s mean to tear down. Look to me and find fulfillment. You are beautiful. I delight in you so much.

Summing It Up

To hunger and thirst for power, wealth, beauty, popularity, success, lust, or anything that is not God, is a faithful road to destruction, depression, and endless striving. To place your value in anyone’s hands but God’s is to ask for disappointment , failure, and unhappiness.

But to hunger and thirst for God and his righteousness is to set yourself on a road to life, love, and satisfaction. To place your value in God’s hands is to ask for true love, true joy, and true beauty.

Blessed are the Merciful, for They Shall Receive Mercy

Jesus Restores Relationships

Isn’t it beautiful? When the Pharisees brought an adulterous woman to Jesus, knowing that the punishment for such an act was execution by stoning, they were looking for something to say negatively of Jesus. But Jesus knelt down and wrote on the ground with His finger. They continued asking Him and He stood and said, “He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first.” One-by-one, everyone left. Jesus looked at the woman and said, “Woman, where are those accusers of yours? Has no one condemned you?” She said, “No one , Lord.” And Jesus said to her, “Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more.” Taken from John 8:1-11.

Wow. Wow. And wow again. Jesus didn’t condone this woman’s actions, but He did love her. What is great about this is that He first showed the people trying to condemn her that they aren’t without sin either. Secondly, He showed this woman the beauty of God’s mercy. That she was valued beyond the world’s view of her. She was a daughter of God, just like we are sons and daughters of God who receive the gift of God’s mercy in our lives.

This mercy restores relationships. It restores us to God when we sin against Him and it restores us to others when we sin against them.

Never Abandoned

God never leaves us. He never, ever leaves us, even when we feel so far from Him. We are accepted when we don’t deserve to be. We are loved when we deserve death. We are shown faithfulness when we are unfaithful. This is the beauty of God’s love and mercy. We are never abandoned by Him.

This is our model for our marriage and all of our relationships. We are not to condone sin or ignore its horrible consequences, but we are to forgive, to never condemn, and to love with a beautiful mercy that restores, instead of tears down.

True Forgiveness

Real, deep forgiveness can only be given from a merciful heart. If we give forgiveness out of a bitter, selfish heart, the forgiveness will not last. We will later bring up the offense as an accusation. Yes, we’ll probably always remember the wounds lodged into our hearts, unfortunately, but this doesn’t mean we can’t give true forgiveness.

We should have mercy on others, because God has mercy on us. We are so unfaithful, so selfish, and so undeserving of His beautiful mercy, and that’s what makes His mercy so astounding. We can attain a merciful heart by recognizing our own sins and realizing how much God loves us regardless.

How can we stone each other to death if we ourselves deserve to be stoned to death? Instead of stoning, we can offer mercy and forgiveness and hope for the restoration of our relationships. But it doesn’t end with forgiveness.

Re-Building Trust

It is absolutely essential for both of you to re-build the wilting trust in your marriage. Many people think it’s only the husband who needs to get his act together and prove his love, but that’s not the case. It’s often hard for a man to trust his wife because of her emotional roller-coasters. I remember (Ashley here) accusing George every day he came home from work. I often hid my feelings and insecurities and just expected him to figure it out on his own. I wasn’t trustworthy or honest with him either.

Both husband and wife need to learn how to do two things. Say your sorry. And forgive from a merciful heart. We also need to learn to re-build trust.

Five Ways to Re-Build Trust

1.) Understand your spouse’s heart and do whatever it takes. A beautiful woman emailed us about her healing process. She mentioned her thoughts on being “pro-active” instead of “re-active.” Meaning, stop something before it happens, instead of just looking away when it does happen. This is so important for both of you to do. For men: Pay attention to your wife. Watch her body language. If she’s uncomfortable with something, stop doing it or get rid of it. For women: Pay attention to your own emotional state. It you know you’re tired and prone to being irritable or insecure, tell your husband that you’re not feeling the best, you are trying to be thankful in the midst of the pain, but it’s really hard right now.

Husbands, in the beginning, a woman’s heart can be so fragile. She may not be the type to voice a desire like, “The TV makes me uncomfortable,” but that doesn’t mean you can’t make decisions, any possible decision, to better your environment and make her feel safe. And if she is the type to tell you that something makes her uncomfortable . . . count that as a blessing and not her trying to control you. Listen to her heart and do your best to make her feel safe again.

Over time she may become more comfortable with certain things, but in the beginning it’s so important to listen to her heart and do whatever you can to make her feel safe. Remember, you want to prove your trust and love. By focusing on your own needs and desires in this time you are not going to prove anything except that she can’t trust you with her heart yet.

Wives, it’s going to be so tough for your husband to recover when you are constantly badgering him about what he saw or didn’t see on his way to work. Allow him some room to grow. So often we try to control our husbands and we end up preventing them from true healing. Imagine him riding a bike up a very steep hill, a narrow path that goes away from lust. It’s not easy. And then, on top of that, you’re pulling his bike so that he can’t go anywhere. He’s pedaling with all of this might, but getting nowhere. He can’t win and he gets frustrated and blames you, when really he just needs to get off the bike and run up the hill with you dragging his shirt and trying to trip him. But do you really want that? Of course not. You want to encourage him up the hill with your mercy and love. You want to listen to his heart, even when your pain is immeasurable.

2.) Stop defending yourself. So many of the emails we receive are filled with “me” or “I” or “she/he just doesn’t get it.” They are so focused on themselves. Instead of defending yourself, defend your marriage.

Instead of using the words “I” or “me” so much, try to search each other’s hearts. How do you feel? Did that upset you? What can I do to make you feel more comfortable or loved?

Focus on your spouse’s needs more than your own.

3.) Allow time for growth. A woman’s healing process can take years. It takes much longer to sew a marriage back together than it does to rip it apart. Husbands, your battle with lust may dramatically improve within a few months, but it may take her years to trust you again. It may take her years to stop thinking of other women when you make love. And it make take her years to stop freaking out when you happen to see (not lust, just see) a provocative woman/image in public. Give her the time she needs and be sensitive to her healing heart. If you are focused on yourself and expect her to heal overnight you are only going to prolong the process and rip her even more. Help her sow the pieces back together and allow her all the time she needs without pressuring her to hurry up and heal.

Wives, you also can’t expect your husband’s to heal overnight. This takes time. It truly is an addiction. Your husband needs to not only rid this addiction, but He needs to allow God to renew His mind and heart. The transformation in a man from lust to purity is beautiful, but it takes time. If he truly desires change and is working toward hope, allow him time to heal. Be sensitive to him as you desire him to be sensitive to you.

4.) Actively love each other more. Your efforts may seem pointless. You can make her dinner and she might get up and walk away. You can offer to massage her and she may deny you. You can let him hold your hand or make love to you and he may blow up at you the next day. You can do tons of things to show each other love and it may not be received well. But we say this ... love anyway, actively. Start a journal of things your spouse likes and dislikes. Make sure to write down every little thing your love wants. That dress at Target? Go buy it on a random day. That guitar he’s been looking at? Make some extra money with a yard sale and buy it for him. Does she need a break from the kids? Set up a night for her and a friend to go out and watch the kids. Does he miss spending time with his friends? Set up a surprise dinner party for him and his friends, make dinner, then go hang out with your friends for a little bit so he can have some quality friend time. Actively love her no matter how it is received.

5.) Most Important. Love God more. Ponder things of God more. And strip the world from your life. In the Bible James defines true religion as caring for the widows and orphans, but don’t forget the end of the sentence ... “keep yourself untainted from the world.”

The more you love God and imitate Him, the more your marriage will shine. Both of you. To love God more is to love each other more. You need this to be woven through every other thing I’ve listed here or your efforts will eventually fail. A changed heart is really what you are both looking for. The husband must seek purity, and the wife must seek her validation and beauty in God alone. Through both of these true heart changes . . . your marriage will change, it will shine, it will seep with the love of God and overflow into the lives of your children and everyone around you.

VERSE TO REMEMBER

Ephesians 5:1-2 “Therefore be imitators of God as dear children. And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma.”

Exercise

Provided below are several verses from the Bible that explore the character of Jesus Christ, a shining example of God’s actions as He walked this earth. Together, discuss these verses to find out what the main character trait is and in the spaces provided write down how both of you can imitate the character of God in your marriage and to each other.

Matthew 7:1-5 “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

Matthew 16:21-27 “From that time Jesus began to show to His disciples that He must go to Jerusalem, and suffer many things from the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and be raised the third day. Then Peter took Him aside and began to rebuke Him, saying, “Far be it from You, Lord; this shall not happen to You!” But He turned and said to Peter, “Get behind Me, Satan! You are an offense to Me, for you are not mindful of the things of God, but the things of men. Then Jesus said to His disciples, ‘If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul? For the Son of Man will come in the glory of His Father with His angels, and then He will reward each according to his works.’”

Mark 10:2-10 “The Pharisees came and asked Him, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” testing Him. And He answered and said to them, “What did Moses command you?” They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce, and to dismiss her.” And Jesus answered and said to them, “Because of the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept. But from the beginning of the creation, God ‘made them male and female.’ For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh,’ so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let not man separate.”

Luke 22: 41-43 “And He was withdrawn from them about a stone’s throw, and He knelt down and prayed, saying, ‘Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from Me; nevertheless not My will, but Yours, be done.’

Luke 23:32 “There were also two others, criminals, led with Him to be put to death. And when they had come to the place called Calvary, there they crucified Him, and the criminals, one on the right hand and one on the left. Then Jesus said, ‘Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.’”

In John 10:11 Jesus says, “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd gives His life for the sheep.”

John 11: 32-35 “Then, when Mary came where Jesus was, and saw Him, she fell down at His feet, saying to Him, ‘Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.’ Therefore, when Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her weeping, He groaned in the spirit and was troubled. And He said, ‘Where have you laid him?’ They said to Him, “Lord, come and see.” Jesus wept. Then the Jews said, ‘See how He loved him!’”

John 13:12-17 “So when He had washed their feet, taken His garments, and sat down again, He said to them, ‘Do you know what I have done to you? You call Me Teacher and Lord, and you say well, for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example, that you should do as I have done to you. Most assuredly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master; nor is he who is sent greater than he who sent him. If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them.’”

Summing It Up

God loves us no matter what we do and He never forces Himself on anyone. He gives you a choice. You can receive His love and mercy or deny it, but either way, regardless of what you do, His love is there. As we give mercy to others and imitate the character of God, we will experience the richness of His mercy in our lives.

God’s mercy is a beautiful gift. A gift we should be more than willing to give to our spouse’s, because God so generously gives mercy to us when we don’t deserve any of it.

Blessed are the Pure in Heart, for They Shall See God

The Heart

When we think of “heart” we often imagine feelings and emotions. A wife’s heart breaks when her husband reveals an addiction to looking at other women. We have many uses for the word “heart.” People can be cold-hearted or good-hearted. But what, really, is the heart? Beneath the emotions, the adjectives we use for the character of people, what is the heart?

Your heart is the very essence of you. Think about the thumping organ in your chest. It is central to your life. It beats and pumps blood and keeps you alive. When we say “heart” in terms of our non-physical heart, we are speaking of the central part of us. Our entire essence.

Purity of Heart

To be pure in heart doesn’t just mean you are a good person or a morally upright person. It’s more profound than that. Purity of heart means that we stand before God with an honest awareness of who we are and who He is. There are no masks. There are no idols. There is nothing between us and God. We stand before Him with integrity, knowing that we are sinners. We don’t hide our sin (we can’t hide our sin from Him anyway), we admit our sin, mourn our sin, rid our idols, and stand before God with absolute purity of heart.

In Luke 18 we see the parable of the tax collector and the Pharisee. The tax collector beat his chest and begged God for mercy, knowing he was a sinner. The Pharisee, on the other hand, thanked God that he wasn’t like people like the tax collector. He was a “good” man. But the Pharisee was prideful and arrogant, while the tax collector was humble and honest. The tax collector came before God with a pure heart.

A Mirror of Your Heart

There is no other relationship on this earth that reflects your heart like your marriage does. If you want to know the truest state of your heart, put it up to your marriage and look at what you see reflected in the light of your marriage. Are you truly selfless? Ask your spouse. Are you a people pleaser? Ask your spouse. Do you hide the truth or live in honesty? Ask your spouse.

Your marriage is beautiful for this very reason. Marriage isn’t created so that we can be happily and romantically in love all of our days, always having fun, never being hurt, and always getting what we want. Marriage is fun, romantic, and produces much joy, but the beauty of marriage is that it’s about so much more than that.

The Beauty of Marriage

First of all, marriage is a symbol of Jesus’ relationship to the Church (us). He doesn’t leave us or forsake us. He doesn’t betray us or harbor bitterness for our unfaithfulness. He loves us and forgives us, over and over. Jesus will never divorce the Church. Yet, so many of us jump to divorce each other over wounds we experience in our marriage.

When we went through the process of healing from porn addiction and the insecurities birthed from the betrayal, it wasn’t easy. There was more pain in those few years of our lives than any other time. I, Ashley, gave George my rings at one point and truly wanted a life without him. And I, George, at one point in the very beginning of the battle said to myself, “Maybe life would have been easier with someone else.”

No, life won’t be easier with anyone else, because even when our spouse’s hurt us, betray us, control us, yell at us, criticize us, and drive us crazy with his/her demands … we still have issues in our own hearts.

The fact that we think we deserve anything is our first misconception. We should be constantly thinking of others, not ourselves. And our second misconception is that we think marriage is made solely to please us. We need to remember that marriage isn’t a path to Cinderella’s castle, it’s a path to holiness. Marriage, if you let it, will transform your heart like no other relationship in your life. You will be tested, changed, tested, changed, over and over, always becoming more and more like Jesus Himself.

Loving Each Other in Humility

To love each other with a humble, pure heart is to love each other with a genuine understanding of our own condition. You need to know that you are a sinner just as much as your spouse. While you think he/she has so many more flaws than you, it’s only because you have been too busy pointing your finger at your spouse instead of looking into the depths of your own heart.

Let’s take a look at Ephesians 5:20-33:

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For

the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

If wives and husbands across the world listened to Paul’s instruction here and genuinely lived this out in their marriages … the word “divorce” would disappear. A humble husband with a pure heart will love his wife as Jesus Christ loves us, the Church. A humble wife with a pure heart will love her husband as the Church is to love its head, Jesus Christ.

This is beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. When both husband and wife love in this way their marriage shines with the beauty of Jesus Christ. A wife will humbly honor and serve her husband in all things, and a husband will simultaneously love and serve his wife in complete humility. As St. John Chrysostom says, “Neither is master of himself … they are servants to each other.”

Hiding Behind Masks

There is no way we can love each other in this way when we refuse to allow God to change our hearts. And the only way God will be able to change our hearts is if we stop trying to control our lives and let His will be done, and also … we need to get rid of the masks we hide behind and stand before God and others with a pure heart.

Masks are anything we hide behind to appear to others as if we are better than we really are. This could be in the form of material possessions. It could be in the form of laughing at a crude joke that we don’t really think is funny. It could be painting our faces with makeup because we don’t want anyone to see our what the world labels “imperfections.” Or maybe rushing to clean up the house before a guest comes in so that they don’t see us in our truest state. Maybe it’s the clothes you wear or the car you drive or the nice watch on your wrist.

If we truly want to be pure in heart, we have to get rid of the false masks we pull over our hearts. Material possessions are not always bad. It’s the heart behind the possessions that is often corrupt.

Ridding Ourselves of Masks

Take some time to write down your masks. Be honest with each other in ways you have never been honest before. Write down an honest, transparent list and share it with each other, then come together in pray and stand before God as a husband and wife with an honest view of who they are. Be real.

Being Yourself

One of the most amazing things about our marriage after porn was exposed, is that we have become us. We have stripped the masks from our lives. Yes, we still have possessions and wear clothes, but our hearts have been changed. We know who we are in Jesus Christ. We don’t need to prove ourselves to anyone. We just are now.

Together we have seen each other grow. I, Ashley, have experienced such freedom in being able to feel beautiful just as I am. I don’t need anything to be beautiful, except to find rest in who God created me to be. I want this for every woman. I want every wife to feel beautiful in her own skin, not because she has perfect skin, but because she has a perfect God who loves her just as she is.

I, George, have experienced freedom from hiding and the lies that spun a web around me. I have the freedom to walk in the world as a man who has had the veil removed so that I can clearly see the spiritual realities around me that concern men and women. I have been transformed into a man who recognizes all of the beauty in the world that God has created, including things and people that the world doesn’t deem “beautiful,” and giving to every person honor, instead of defilement. Women are no longer objects to me. I now know that temptation lurks around every corner, and the devil would love to see me destroyed again, but I am victorious in this battle, because out of love I seek to obey and stand before God and my wife (and others) with a pure heart.

What we are saying here is that there is a truer state of you and it is hidden behind masks. Encourage each other to be real. When we stop hiding true change can happen. When we lift the veil and stand before God with a pure heart, we will see Him.

Thomas Merton said, “Every one of us is shadowed by a false self. This is the man that I want myself to be but who cannot exist, because God does not know anything about him. And to be unknown to God is altogether too much privacy.”

Of course God knows all, but this quote shows exactly what we’ve been illustrating. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

Experiencing God in Our Lives

As we seek God in our lives we must constantly cleanse our hearts from lies, masks, and idols. We need to honestly and humbly know who we really are. Our weaknesses and strengths should both be lit with the light of Christ. We must allow His light to shine into every area of our lives. As we seek to purify our hearts (daily) we need to remember that we are not alone in this battle. We should reach out to fellow Christians, instead of hiding our sins out of embarrassment. Humility is generally not reached without the act of humiliation. Sounds terrible, doesn’t it? But it’s beautiful. Jesus was mocked, beaten, and criticized, but He also told us that those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who are humble will be exalted. Instead of seeking to be puffed up on earth, let’s store up treasures in heaven.

The pure in heart will see God. This means that we will experience His presence in our lives. Not only in our own lives, but we will see Him in others.

Seeing Christ in People

We truly have the ability to experience God in our lives. He is not far from us. He is in the physical nature around us. And He is in people around us, too. Like we said earlier in this book, people are created in God’s image. This is powerful. With a pure heart we look at people through God’s pure eyes, not the distorted eyes of this world. We don’t see provocative women as something for our eyes to eat or our hearts to be jealous of, rather we see them as an image of Christ. Men, would you lust over the image of Christ? Well, if you’re going through this workbook you already have. Treat women with respect and honor, especially when they don’t treat themselves with respect and honor.

We don’t see our spouse’s and think of all of their flaws and wrongdoings, rather we see them as an image of Christ. Women, would you criticize Jesus? Would you spit on Him and mock Him?

Your spouse doesn’t always deserve your love, respect, and honor. But God says the same about us, and He loves us anyway. He never thinks of the word divorce, no matter how many times we shut Him out of our hearts. He seeks us, comes after us, and waits for us until we desire Him. We should be willing to do the same for others, no matter how much they deserve or don’t deserve.

Really, we should walk around every day of our lives with imaginary glasses over our eyes that have images of Jesus on the lenses. Every person we see should be seen through Christ, not the world.

VERSE TO REMEMBER

Galatians 5:19-21 “Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.”

Exercise

Who are you? Really? Do you know your weaknesses and strengths? Do you know who God created you to be and what you are good at? In which way do you serve God most naturally? Who are you? In the section below write a few paragraphs describing who you are behind the masks. Then, together use the spaces after that to write down ways you can encourage each other to be real, to seek God with a pure heart, and to love others around you through this purity of heart.

Examples

George’s Picture of Self

My weaknesses are that I talk too much and don’t listen well enough. I have a tendency to be critical, although God is working this out of me each day. My patience is lower with children. My mind is too busy. I tend to be a people pleaser and too often seek the approval of man. My strengths are that I am generally even-tempered. I’m visually and musically creative. I’m not very attached to possessions. I forgive easily and seek to resolve confrontations. I love to serve others in acts of love and kindness. I seek to be a disciple of Christ, even though I so often fail.

Ashley’s Picture of Self

My weaknesses are, phew, what are they not is a better question. God has really been working on my heart lately, but in the recent past I had major issues with pride and insecurity, wanting to be the most beautiful woman in the world, seeking my value in what I look like to others, instead of what I look like to God. I tend to lose patience with adults who are mean, although I have tons of patience with kids. I am a perfectionist who often forgets that I’m not meant to be perfect to the world. I am too extreme sometimes and don’t fully allow temperance to seep into my life. My strengths are that I have a lot of mercy for people like drug dealers and porn stars. I am a creative gift giver and love to make others smile. I would rather use my free time for others than my own self-pleasure.

How Ashley Can Encourage George

Written by George

You can encourage me when you see me acting in a way that is without masks by verbally affirming that and when I do the opposite you can gently encourage me in the other direction. You can also encourage me by seeking these things in your own life as well. By allowing me the room to be creative with the house, even when you would rather live in a box in the ghetto, you urge me to be more of the man God created me to be, instead of snuffing out my passion.

One thing not to do is hit me with a lot of criticism all at once, because I tend to meltdown in those situations. Don’t criticize me when I do something wrong, instead encourage me in a better direction with gentleness. You can encourage me to seek God with a pure heart by coming beside me in all things and circumstances. Being my partner in life. Spend quality time with me and pray with me. You can encourage me to love others simply by being you and loving others.

How George Can Encourage Ashley

Written by Ashley

You can encourage me by viewing the world and me through God’s eyes, so that I don’t feel like I need to measure up to you in the world’s version of “beauty.” I don’t want compliments about how pretty I am, in fact I don’t want compliments at all because it makes me too prideful, instead just point me toward Jesus and help me to become more like Him. If you notice that I’m doing something wrong or have a bad attitude, say something gently like, “Is there anything I can do for you right now? How can I encourage you?” Sometimes I may snap at you, but try to encourage me with your love. I’ll eventually see I’m being stupid. Encourage me to love others, even when it doesn’t feel good. Create opportunities for us to serve the poor together, whether that means giving someone a ride or some food or a roof over their head.

Try not to say, “I told you so,” or point fingers, because it makes me withdraw and yes, I know that’s a flaw on my part. When I do withdraw, come after me no matter how many times I tell you to leave me alone. Fight for me and with me. Encourage me to be me and to be real. Tell me if you think I have a mask that I don’t know about. Pray for me and with me.

Now, write down your own.

Verse To Remember

Proverbs 22:11 “He who loves purity of heart and has grace on his lips, the king will be his friend.”

Summing It Up

When we get rid of the masks over our hearts (which are often layers and layers), we will be able to see God more clearly. And when we see Him clearly, we see others clearly and we can continue to see ourselves for who we really are. This purity of heart is humble and beautiful. It is real. It is something that is needed in this world. We so often hide reality behind our false self’s, the self’s we so desperately want to be, even though it’s not us at all. There is rest in who God created you to be. Find out who that is and do your best to keep those masks from being pulled over your heart. Live in purity and truth every second of every day, never shutting the light of Jesus from any area of your life.

Blessed are the Peacemakers, They Will be Called Children of God

Choosing the Peace of Christ

Sin causes division. It causes division between people and it causes division between a person and God. This is why God sent us His son, Jesus. To restore us to fellowship with God. To bring hope and peace. The divisions caused by sin . . . Jesus came to heal them. To break down the walls sin causes between God and us.

Peace doesn’t merely signify joyfulness or happy-go-lucky times. It is contentment so profound that there is nothing of necessity lacking.

God doesn’t force Himself on us. We can choose Him. We can choose to accept the peace of Christ in all areas of our lives, or we can reject Him in some and accept Him in others, or reject Him completely. When we choose to accept Him we allow His light to shine in our lives. We don’t hide from Him or dwell in our sin, we allow His light to illuminate the darkest corners of our hearts and minds.

When we choose Him, we choose peace. In our relationships and lives, peace is not something to be sought. Rather, it’s the Jesus—the bringer of peace—whom we should seek. If we search the ends of the earth and the depths of our own hearts for peace, we won’t find it. True peace is only found by seeking Jesus. Peace comes from our relationship with Jesus. It happens naturally as we allow Him into our hearts. This is why it’s so important to confess our sins and reconcile our differences, instead of hiding in shame.

Turn to Him and choose Him. Don’t shut Him out of the areas you are ashamed of. Instead, ask Him to shine His light into every dark corner, corners you aren’t even aware of, so that you can find true peace and restoration.

Simplifying Your Life

As we rid our masks and strip pride and selfishness from our lives, we must also simplify our lives. Too often relationships are stifled because a television is on during a conversation. A text message is too important to wait until after dinner. A phone call is too important to wait until we get home. We allow so many interruptions into our lives. Interruptions that hinder growth in our relationships because of lack of peace.

The less peace we have, the more stress we have. When expectations aren’t meant, we grow weary. And often we use these distractions and interruptions as tools to avoid relationships. If there’s a conflict we will stare at the television instead of working through our issues.

In order to cultivate deep relationships and allow our marriages to experience the peace of God, we have to let go of some of the 5,001 distractions in our lives. Some of us are so accustomed to distractions that pure silence is deafening. It hurts. It makes us uneasy. We wouldn’t know what to do if we were forced to spend three weeks in complete silence.

Take some time in the spaces below to figure out which distractions and excuses you both use to avoid cultivating relationships and also which distractions you have around you that could potentially hinder growth in relationships. Help each other. If your wife believes something is a distraction to her and you don’t believe it is to you, hear her out and encourage her. If your husband is telling you that you talk too much to your friends and he thinks it’s a distraction, but you feel it isn’t, hear him out and be willing to change if it means you are becoming more like Jesus. Then, figure out what you can do together to keep these things minimal and choose to have peace rain on your marriage.

Example

Distractions:

Too much texting

TV is on too much

We have too many TV’s

Radio is used too much in the car

Cell phones interrupt date nights

Movies are used instead of conversation

Work is tiring

The kids are too loud when we try to talk

What to do to simplify life:

Get rid of the TV in the bedroom and only have one in the living room

Turn cell phones off during time spent with each other or others

Talk in the car sometimes, instead of just listening to music

Get a babysitter once every two weeks

Take a relaxing bath together after a long day of tiring work

Do something together instead of watching so many movies

Peace Is More than an Emotion

We can’t expect our marriages to have peace if we don’t have peace within

ourselves. To abide in Jesus and seek Him is to know that we have all that we need in Him. When we face difficult times in our lives and marriages, we can rest in His peace. This is more than an emotional feeling of rest. More than a fleeting moment of contentment. The peace He gives us is not of this world. It is not determined by our circumstances or the things people do to us. It is solely based off of our relationship with God through Jesus Christ.

Peace can stand up against the storms of life, because it’s not rooted in life. Peace is rooted in God and our fellowship with Him. This is why it’s so important to seek God and to love Him what all of our hearts, minds, and souls. It is only through His presence in our lives that we can experience the peace that transforms our lives.

Someone once said to us, “If you are worried about anything, if there is anything in this world that could be taken from you and disturb your peace, then you don’t love God enough.”

At first, we didn’t want to hear this truth. Of course we love God with all that we are. How dare someone tell us we aren’t. We are trying the best we can. And then there are a myriad of other excuses: But … he doesn’t help. But … she expects too much from me. But … he cheats on me. But … how can I have peace when she is always angry with me? But … how can I have peace when he treats me like a piece of trash?

Our lives truly changed when we sought Christ with all that we are and realized . . . He truly is all we need and everything we desire is through the love we have for Him, not ourselves or this world. We desire our marriage to thrive because we love Him, we want to glorify and please Him with our marriage, not because we want to feel loved. We desire to endure suffering because we love Him, we want to glorify and please Him in the hard times, not because we like being pitied.

Our Lord is all we need. In that truth we should find the rest our souls try so desperately—and fail—to find in this world.

Makers of Peace

The Lord doesn’t say in this beatitude that the “peaceful” are blessed. He says, that “peacemakers” are blessed. But we cannot give peace to another if we do not first have peace ourselves. That is why Saint Seraphim of Sarov said, “Acquire the Spirit of Peace and a thousand souls around you shall be saved.” There is power in peace. So, now that we’ve gone over how to acquire true peace, let’s talk about making peace.

The following prayer is mostly attributed to Saint Francis of Assisi, although it may not be written by him, but it is a lovely illustration of what it looks like to make peace.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is sorrow, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled

as to console.

To be understood, as to understand.

To be loved, as to love.

For it is giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned.

And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Mending the Broken

One of the ways Jesus brings peace is by breaking down the walls that sin creates, reconciling us to God, and mending the brokenness caused by sin. When we imitate Jesus we do not dwell in lust and insecurities, instead we seek to break down the walls that separate us from each other and reconcile our differences. We will constantly desire to be at peace with others. We won’t mope or defend ourselves. We won’t feel sorry for ourselves or desire for others to feel sorry for us. Instead, we will desire to heal the brokenness around us and think of others, not ourselves.

If we possess the peace of Christ it will seep into the lives of those around us. If both husband and wife are filled with peace, their marriage will be as well. If a wife is filled with peace and loving her husband, but the husband selfishly desires to lust over other women … the wife will have peace, but the marriage will not. If a husband is filled with peace and loving his wife, but the wife selfishly focuses on her pain and insecurities … the husband will have peace, but the marriage will not. Both people must be dedicated to mending brokenness and finding reconciliation in order for a marriage to live in the peace that transcends all understanding.

Verse to Remember

John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”

Exercise

Let’s focus on each other in this exercise. In the spaces provided, write down a list of things you can do to help your spouse heal and things you can do to give peace to your spouse. If you are stuck and don’t know what you can do to help your spouse heal and live in the beauty of peace, then discuss these things and then write your list. Work on these things every day and refer to the list if you need to. Remember, seek Christ first and always desire for peace to be in your own heart and your marriage.

Examples

How to Make Peace in My Husband’s Life

Be understanding when he confesses something that hurts me

Try to understand his heart

Keep the house as clean and organized as I can

Allow him to make decisions without nagging him

Don’t speak negatively of him ever, especially around others

Encourage him, even when I’m hurting

How to Make Peace in My Wife’s Life

Be sensitive to things that make her feel uncomfortable

Stop watching certain movies and cable TV

Stop defending myself when she tells me I hurt her

Don’t expect her to believe me right now

Ask her what she thinks of something before I make a decision

Encourage her in my actions and honesty

Now, write down your own.

Summing It Up

As sons and daughters of God we are to be peacemakers. We are to bring hope, healing, and reconciliation to those around us. We shouldn’t dwell on our own pain or mistakes, we should press on toward victory over sin and desire true restoration. We cannot seek peace, but we can seek Jesus and in Him find peace. It’s in Him that we find peace, acquire peace, and give peace to others.

Seek Jesus Christ with all that you are. Don’t shut any door of your heart on Him. Let Him in, as uncomfortable as it may feel. When we are fully exposed and surrender our lives to Him, it’s there that we can find true and lasting change. Seek Him and find the peace you need.

Blessed are Those Who are Persecuted for Righteousness’ sake, for Theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven

Suffering Is A Gift

We may be uncomfortable in some ways, but that all depends on how we view comfort. Being without a refrigerator or A/C isn’t comfortable in the world’s eyes, but what does that have to do with our souls? Or eternity? Not much, unless we begin to see these “uncomfortable” things as blessings. Without A/C we find ourselves praising God for cool breezes and rain, something we wouldn’t have normally been as attuned to. If our husband’s are struggling with lust, we can view this as a blessing. If our wives are constantly upset with us, we can view this as a blessing.

By relying fully on God, we can learn to not be concerned with comfort in this world, instead to be concerned with comfort in God. But there’s more. We don’t want to simply learn how to be thankful for things that are uncomfortable by finding silver lines—we want to be thankful for the uncomfortable things in life, even the things that are true suffering.

When we are thankful for little possessions, money, love, good circumstances, we are more dependent on God, more aware of the necessity He is in our lives. The less we have in this world, the less we are attached to this world, and the more we die to ourselves in this world . . . the more of Christ we will have in our hearts.

Skip Silver Linings

Sometimes we shut Jesus out of some areas of our lives simply because we are unwilling to be uncomfortable in this world. We’re unwilling to sacrifice, to die to ourselves, to give up our attachment to comforts of this world in order to make more room for Him in our hearts.

Through His grace our hearts can change. We can give up things that we once held dear, things that only benefited our earthly comfort or recognition. We can learn to see suffering as a blessing. We can say things like, “Thank you, Lord, for providing me with friends to get me through my husband’s porn addiction.” But that’s just finding something positive out of something uncomfortable. Instead, we should embrace things that are uncomfortable by saying something more like, “Thank you, Lord, for my husband’s porn addiction. It has brought me so much closer to you.”

We need to skip silver linings and cut right through the clouds to the sunshine. Instead of looking for joys amidst sufferings, we must learn to be joyful amidst sufferings without any reason (silver lining) except Christ Himself. He is our sunshine in dark times. When people hurt us it shouldn’t tear us to pieces, because He’s all we need. These times of darkness, of suffering, of trials, they are necessary for spiritual growth. And for that reason we rejoice. But even more than that . . . we rejoice because each trial we not only endure but embrace with full joy, is another moment in this life we are able to die to ourselves and live for Christ.

Taking Up Our Crosses

“If you were given the choice you ought to prefer to suffer adversity for Christ’s sake rather than to be comforted by many consolations ... Jesus today has many lovers of His heavenly kingdom, but few of them carry His cross.” Thomas A Kempis

Now, let’s not only embrace suffering, but welcome it as something we truly desire. Something that brings us closer to our Lord.

Healing is waiting for you. Hope. Restoration. But you have to choose it. You have to choose to stop dwelling on the negative. You have to allow yourself to be hurt and not hide. You have to let go of the past and move forward, truly. You have to choose love even when it hurts. Jesus wore a crown of thorns, yet we often expect a crown of jewels. We forget that suffering is such a huge part of our lives with God ... it’s not about us. It’s not about earthly comfort. It’s about loving and laying our lives down for others, like He did.

In The Passion Simon picks up the cross and helps Jesus carry it. He didn’t choose to, but when asked ... he didn’t run away. He chose to help Him carry it. He chose suffering for the sake of Christ. He may have had other motives, but we should pray that God would create in us hearts that are willing to carry the cross with Jesus out of no other motive than pure love for Him.

Jesus, more than anyone in this world, proved that there’s beauty after rain. He proved that the worst suffering can be used for the best good, if we choose to embrace our cross.

Thanking God for Pain

Take some time to discuss ways that you have often expected a crown of jewels, and for each jewel you have desired or expected, think of a way that you can learn to embrace the thorns as something beautiful.

Responding to Evil With Evil

A huge problem in marriage is that we stop defending our marriage together because we are too busy defending our individual “rights” and hearts.

Pain has a way of making us selfish. It causes us to look inward and focus on ourselves too much. It makes us believe we have “rights.” It makes us love based on how much others love us. Our love for others is contingent on their actions toward us. We also like to be the victim. We feel wronged and we believe we are in the right. So when the person who has hurt us says, “No, you have issues. I am in the right.” Then they proceed to defend themselves and we get upset because we know we are the one who are hurt, we are the victims, we are the wounded ones! So, we defend ourselves and the cycle continues until someone gives up and leaves. Responding to evil with evil doesn’t bring beauty, does it? No, it brings more evil.

Motivated By Love

Jesus was wrongly accused. He was laughed at, mocked, beaten for something He didn’t do. But He suffered without trying to defend Himself. He knew who He was. He was so confident in His innocence that He didn’t need to stoop to the level of those who falsely accused Him. He loved anyway. He was asked to get off the cross and prove His authority, prove that He was the one who was right. Did He? No. And if He did maybe they would’ve accused Him of being prideful.

I can’t see Him hopping off the cross and saying, “I told you so! I’m the Son of God! Now, let me finish what I need to do.”

No, He knew they would one day know the truth. He didn’t need to defend Himself on earth or puff up His pride and show them who He really was.

And all the while ... suffering, dying, being wrongly accused, what did He do instead of proving that He was right? He said, “Father, forgive them ... they know not what they do.”

He was focused STILL on loving others, even the people who were wrongly accusing Him AND killing Him.

That ... that is love.

Everything Jesus did was motivated by love for God. He was betrayed and didn’t get angry. There was no revenge or retribution. He trusted God and prayed for the God to forgive His offenders.

Checking Our Motivations

Take some time to discuss certain actions that you both have done lately. Honestly talk about your true motivations. Were you hoping to get something out of it? Did you do something selfishly, instead of out of love? Talk about these things and how you can each encourage each other to walk in love.

Laying Your Life Down

The love Jesus modeled is the love we should, no, need to have in our marriages. We should be thinking of the other person and loving them, even if they are hurting us. We shouldn’t be so set on being right or justified in our pain or actions. We shouldn’t be so set on how we feel or how deep our pain is ... we should be focused on loving others.

Both of you must be willing to lay your lives down for each other in order for your marriage to thrive, but even if he isn’t being so nice right now, that doesn’t stop you from loving him when it hurts. If she’s ignoring you right now, that can’t stop you from ceasing your own justification for your pain and defending yourself. Your spouse’s actions, just like the killers of Jesus, cannot stop you from loving and forgiving your spouse.

Paul wasn’t kidding around when he said, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

We like to post that verse on our walls, but not on our hearts. Those are tough things. Patience. Kindness. Humility. Selflessness. Keeping no record of wrongs. Always protecting? Always trusting? Always hoping? Always persevering?

How many of us do that? Especially when our spouse doesn’t love us the way we think they should?

We need to lay our lives down for others. For our spouses. Even when they don’t do that for us. That’s what you need to do. And that may look different for every marriage. To a woman being abused it may be love to separate herself from him so that he cannot sin and end up killing her. I don’t what that looks like in your situation, but I encourage you to talk this over and discover how you can lay your lives down for each other.

Love. It overcomes all things. Jesus wasn’t a victim. I so often wanted to be a victim when George told me all his secrets. But I want to be like Jesus and He wasn’t a victim. He was a victor. And He told us to take heart, because He overcame the world. I think I’ll take heart ... And love. Love when it hurts.

Because that’s what He taught us to do.

God’s Reign In Your Life

Before we can lay our lives down for each other, we need to give our lives to God. Some people liken Christianity to a fun-filled time where God provides everything you’ve ever desired. It’s not like that. Being a follower of Christ is not all roses and candy. It’s tough. He had to endure suffering, so why should it be easy for us?

In Matthew 16:24 Jesus says, “If anyone would come after me let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” Stop centering yourself on yourself and center yourself on God. Allow Him to strip the selfishness and pride from your life and turn your face toward Him. No shame. No hiding. Turn from yourself to Him and there you will be able to give him the reigns of your life.

When we allow Him to reign in our lives we will notice that our actions are motivated out of love for Him. Of course we will fail, but we aim to never fail because we love Him. We will notice that our anger is no longer out of feeling hurt. Instead, our anger is there because we hate sin, injustice, and evil. We no longer fight each other in our marriages, we fight the devil together.

VERSE TO REMEMBER

James 3:13- 18 “Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show by good conduct that his works are done in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter envy and self-seeking in your hearts, do not boast and lie against the truth. This wisdom does not descend from above, but is earthly, sensual, demonic. For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there. But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.”

Exercise

There are so many ways we try to control our lives. It’s no wonder we get anxious when the bills aren’t paid. We think we are the ones in control. Sometimes we are, because we refuse to give God the reigns. We trust ourselves more than we trust Him. Let’s learn to lean on Him. In the space below write out the ways both of you try to keep control of your life instead of surrendering to God, then, together, write down ways you can help each other fight the evil in your marriage and trust God as the only one capable of driving.

Examples

Ways We Try to Control

Not allowing him to make decisions without my input

Not giving our money to people in need

Not allowing her to talk to her friends without me around

Ways We Can Surrender Our Lives and Fight Together

Husband: I will ask you what you think before I make big decisions and try my best to make decisions that express my love for you

Wife: I will stop trying to manipulate you into making decisions that make me feel more comfortable, and trust that you will make decisions that honor our marriage.

Husband: I will stop defending myself and seek to understand your heart.

Wife: I will stop attacking you and victimizing myself and remember who the real enemy is so that we can fight against him together.

Now, write down your own.

Summing It Up

God doesn’t force us to love him and we can’t force our spouses to love us. But we can make a conscious decision within our own hearts to turn from self-centeredness and seek God. We can turn from selfishness in our marriages and seek to please our spouse.

By giving God the reigns and trusting Him with our lives, we are reflecting the beauty of Jesus in our lives and marriages. By turning from ourselves toward God and loving others through the love God pours into us, we will be a light to this world, instead of blending in with the dimmed lights.

Take up your cross, embrace suffering, and know that you are not alone. Jesus went before you. All things are possible through Him. But you have to lay down your life before you will find it.

Looking Outward

Ten Questions to Ask Yourself

1.) How many times have you been thankful today and

expressed that?

2.) How many times today have you thought of others

instead of yourself?

3.) How have you blessed your spouse today?

4.) How have you blessed everyone around you today?

5.) How many times today have you thanked God today

for the pain He’s brought to your life?

6.) How often today have you smiled in the midst of the

most excruciating emotional pain, because you know

God loves you?

7.) How many times have you chosen to respond in love

today, instead of anger, resentment, or bitterness?

8.) How many times have you told your spouse you love

him/her today?

9.) How many times have you been an example of Jesus to

your spouse today?

10.)How many times today have you treated your spouse with

as much love as Mary Magdalene treated Jesus?

Fruits of the Spirit Application

For the next few weeks go through the fruits of the Spirit and single one out per week. Love encompasses all of them, so let’s start with joy. For the first week of the application pray for more joy in your hearts and marriage. Express love to each other using joy. Clean your house as you sing with joy. Come home from a long and tiring day of work with joy. Practice joy in your lives and marriage and when the week is finished, allow joy to seep into the next week as you start with the next fruit of the Spirit. Do this over and over again until the fruits of the Spirit are evident in your marriage.

“The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,

goodness, gentleness, and self-control.”

Galatians 5:22

Five Ways You Help Porn Ruin Your Marriage

After talking with many couples suffering from porn or healing from a previous porn addiction I have realized there are key things in this process that can make your marriage thrive or break it to pieces. Let’s address five ways porn breaks your marriage to pieces after it is exposed.

Self-Centeredness

This is a big one. For men, they believe their wives should heal immediately. They believe they should be trusted again just because they have a filter on their computer and say they will never look again, yet they get upset when their wife has a bad day or an insecure, doubtful moment. They expect her to heal quickly and believe they deserve it since they are working toward recovery.

Women can be even more self-centered during the healing process. When George and I began our healing process I used the words “I” and “me” more than you can imagine. I cried over my heartbreak, but didn’t think about how porn affected his heart. I wept myself to sleep, imagining killing myself to end the agonizing pain (yes, it really gets that bad sometimes), and never once thought about porn stars crying themselves to sleep after being abused. Didn’t even know about the reality of porn at that time. I wanted George to heal, but not for our marriage, not for God, not even for the purity of his own heart—I wanted him to heal for my sake, so I could feel beautiful, wanted, and loved again. I wanted our marriage to be better, not because God loves marriage and I loved my husband, but because I wanted to feel loved and whole again. I wanted the heartbreak to go away.

It’s okay to want heartbreak to go away. It’s okay to hurt and cry and feel pain because of what he did or continues to do, but sulking in our pain, using our pain as an excuse to end our marriage, and refusing to truly feel for others (men affected by porn, porn producers and stars affected) will trap us in a cycle of self-centeredness that will ruin our marriage. We must be willing to feel for others, including our husbands.

Pointing Fingers

So many times I wrote in my journal, “He ruined us. He ruined our marriage, our romance. He ruined ME.” I truly believed George’s lies, his porn usage, his wandering eyes, ruined me as a person. I thought I’d never be the same again. Joy, happiness, love, romance—I’d always be far away from those things. Thanks to him.

He would sometimes blame me for the beating our marriage took, because I would blame him, or accuse him of things constantly. I never let him rest. I always made him feel worthless. So he would get upset at me for our lack of progress or my crazy ways.

But in reality . . . there is only one to blame. The devil. The husband may have been the devil’s toy and fell for the trap and the wife may be extremely insecure as she heals, but the devil is the only one to blame. He is the offender. He is the one breaking up the marriage. Not your husband’s lust. Not your wife’s inability to heal or her crazy accusations. Just the devil.

When you start to see and understand that the devil is the one to blame you may look at your spouse in a new light. It may help break the chain of self-centeredness and help you to heal together, instead of separately. You can start to fight the devil together, instead of fighting each other.

Lack of God

Sometimes people email me about this and as soon as I mention God—poof!—they disappear. I’ve often questioned whether or not to hold back from mentioning God. But how can I do that? Not only is God the center of my life, He’s the center of my healing from all of this. He’s the center of George’s recovery. I can’t talk to anyone about this without mentioning God.

Our healing would not have taken place without God. Period. This book you are reading would not be here without His work in our lives. If I hadn’t focused on God and allowed Him to change my heart (same for George) we’d still be going in circles, blaming each other, wrestling lust and insecurities, and probably ruining our marriage.

Instead, we are thriving today. Our marriage is better than it ever was, something I thought wouldn’t be possible. I thought romance didn’t exist and truly believe we’d never have it again. But here we are, living out a relationship with more beauty than it’s ever had before. And I can’t take the credit for this change in me, for my insecurities and issues with jealousy disappearing so much. George can’t take the credit for his recovery from lust. It was God working through us. The closer we drew to Him, the more like Him we wanted to be. And He helps us, every day, to become more like Him.

The more you love God, the more you will love your spouse. And if both people are putting Him first, it’s impossible to put yourself first, which means ... your spouse will become more important to you than yourself. Healing, trust—they can happen for everyone who loves God with all their heart, soul, and mind.

Focus on Negative Thoughts

You know, you have a choice. When a thought pops into your head like, “I wonder if he saw an attractive woman today,” you can choose to linger on it, or you can choose to dismiss it and think of something positive. Same for men when you see something provocative. Both men and women have tons of negative thoughts throughout the healing process we go through after porn is exposed. And we can choose to dwell on those thoughts of jealousy, mistrust, blame, bitterness, lust, betrayal, our own pain, etc., or we can choose to dismiss those thoughts and immediately replace them with something positive, something of God.

George would pray and worship God whenever he faced a negative thought or temptation. I would think of the Cross, of what Jesus did for me, and it would help me to remember that pain is a part of love. Loving those who always treat us with selflessness and perfection is easy, but loving when it hurts isn’t. And that just so happens to be the kind of love God gives to us. I would focus on His love and ask Him to help me love like that. Amidst my tears and pain ... I would love my husband anyway. I would let him hold me even when I wanted him 1,000 miles away.

Whatever you need to do to dismiss those negative, harmful thoughts and focus on something pure and lovely . . . do it. Figure out what works for you and do it. Don’t dwell in the black clouds if you want to see the blue sky again. You have to push the clouds away and work to get to the blue sky. It’ll come. Hope is on the other side, just keep pushing those clouds away while holding your spouse’s hand.

Refusing to Sacrifice

You want this all to go away, but there needs to be some sacrifice. Both husband and wife must lay their lives down for each other. The wife has to lay down her pain to feel her husband’s (yes, there’s pain there even if he doesn’t know it), and the husband has to lay down his pride to feel his wife’s pain. Both of you may have to sacrifice a lot in order to see your marriage heal. You can’t hold on to bitterness or pride. You can’t play the victim and cry yourself to sleep every night. You can’t justify your actions and expect something from the other person.

You have to work for this. Both of you. And side-by-side . . . you’ve got to sacrifice whatever it takes to lay your lives down for each other and allow God to heal your marriage.

And wife . . . don’t play the victim. You have been hurt and the pain is unbearable. Don’t hide your pain, but also . . . don’t play the victim without giving your husband and porn stars room to be victims, too. I can’t say that enough. We are all victims of porn. All of us. And we can’t stay victims of porn. We need to move past this to overcome it.

So, join hands with your partner in life and stop allowing porn to ruin your marriage. Stop assisting it and allow God to work a miracle in your life. Push back those clouds and reach for blue skies, both husband and wife, and you will see the light again. Your marriage can be way more beautiful than it ever was. You have a choice right now . . . to fight together or against each other. Fight together for love, for God, and don’t let porn ruin your marriage. It’s not worth it.

Your marriage is beautiful. Don’t ever forget that.

One-Hundred Ways to Love Your Spouse

So often we focus on what our spouse can do for us as we heal or how they can prove their love to us. But we should be focusing on how we can love them. We can’t expect love to overcome the obstacles lust/porn drops into our marriage without putting in some effort ourselves.

I know it’s hard to love when you’re hurt. I know it’s hard to love when you feel unloved, inadequate, and worth no more than a piece of trash to your husband. I know it’s hard to love when your wife is always bitter and resentful. But love overcomes all things, even our deepest wounds. Love can transform your marriage, but you have to be willing to love when it hurts too.

So, here is a list of 100 ways to love your spouse.

1.) Stop and listen to him/her whenever he speaks. Don’t try to multi-task when

talking with him/her.

2.) Truly take interest in the things he/she is interested in, even if they are

boring to you.

3.) Don’t complain about little things that he/she does. Learn to appreciate him/her even when something may irritate you.

4.) Encourage him/her with words daily.

5.) Refrain from saying anything discouraging.

6.) Women, don’t question his decisions. Joyfully do what he wants to do. Men, consider her feelings before you make a decision.

7.) When upset about something, don’t retreat. Seek to resolve immediately and tell him/her you love him.

8.) If he/she hurts you, kiss him/her.

9.) Never, ever, ever take your wedding rings off. Even if he/she walks out on you.

10.) Look for ways to make every day special for him/her, even if it’s as simple as pouring him his favorite drink, bringing her lunch at work, surprising him with a date night (no kids), putting together a CD for her, on and on.

11.) Pray for the grace to think only positively of your spouse, even when he/she upsets you.

12.) Women, seek wisdom from him.

13.) Do not ask another man or woman for advice (pastor, etc.) before asking your spouse.

14.) Send him/her sweet emails.

15.) Buy him/her something he/she has been talking about forever.

16.) Love with actions more than words.

17.) Kiss at least 10 times a day.

18.) Laugh at his/her jokes more than you laugh at anyone else.

19.) Women, seek to please him only, not the minds and eyes of other men.

20.) If he/she struggles with lust, gambling, insecurity, gossip, etc., encourage him/her and build him/her up instead of tearing each other down for sins.

21.) Pray for each other every day, three times a day. Set out specific times to pray for each other and be disciplined in doing so. (Something you can do: set reminders on your cell phone to chime and pray for each other whenever the sound goes off.)

21.) Be joyful, smile in the midst of trials. Big one to pray about, as this can only be done with God’s love and grace in your heart.

22.) Love Jesus more than you love your spouse.

23.) Be a good example to your children by loving each other selflessly.

24.) Does he like to go out with friends? Instead of being bothered by it, spend that time setting something special up for him to surprise him with the next day. Does she like to talk to her friend twice a week? Instead of being bothered, rub her feet as she talks.

25.) When you’re alone, don’t spend so much time on the computer, instead spend time praying and thinking about how to bless your husband, wife, and children.

26.) Don’t ever belittle your spouse.

27.) When you’re irritable, make an effort to love and be sweet anyway.

28.) Keep a journal of things he/she likes and dislikes (thanks Eric Ludy).

29.) Feel a conviction, ladies? Approach him with it in submission and with gentleness, not forcing him to see things your way.

30.) Nap together on a cloudy day.

31.) Read books together some nights. Let your spouse choose the book and read aloud.

32.) Greet him/her as soon as he/she wakes up with a smile, a kiss, and an I love you.

33.) Take showers together.

34.) Don’t obsess over your kids. Put your marriage first.

35.) If she’s talking on the phone for a long time when you wanted to spend time with her, go in the other room and set up a romantic bedroom for when she’s off the phone.

36.) Write I love you in the bathroom sink with toothpaste for him/her to see when he/she brushes his teeth.

37.) Run your purchases by each other first, even if he/she doesn’t care.

38.) And when you buy something, always get your spouse more than you get yourself.

39.) Set a timer on your cell phone and when it goes off pray for him/her and send him a text that says, I love you.

40.) Kiss at red lights.

41.) Hold hands in the car.

42.) Look at each other in the car, instead of spacing out at the passing trees.

43.) Make a CD of hisher favorite songs and put it in the car without him/her knowing.

44.) Plan a surprise mini-vacation after a time you know he/she will be a little stressed or over-worked.

45.) Greet him/her with a smile every time you see each other.

46.) Sit on the porch at night and talk.

47.) Play his favorite game with him/her.

48.) Make birthday’s special... can be done without money!

49.) Let him/her hold you at night even if his/her snoring is keeping you up.

50.) When you can’t sleep in the middle of the night, pray for him/her while you gently rub his/her face.

51.) Put his/her favorite candy on his pillow.

52.) Sit across from each other with pen and paper and write down 25 things you love about each other while you stare at each other, then share.

53.) Do the same, except make sketches of each other instead. No matter how terrible your drawing skills are. The point is to study each other in detail.

54.) Turn on some music and dance in the living room. Candlelight, of course!

55.) What does he/she stress about? Do your best to make it less stressful for him/her.

56.) Never talk negatively about your spouse to anyone, no matter what, even if it’s true. Always speak of your spouse with grace and love.

57.) Watch your love when he/she doesn’t know you’re looking.

58.) Make your spouse a drink or a bowl of ice cream without him/her having to ask.

59.) Plan a day out (get baby sitters if needed), blind fold your love, and take him/her somewhere he/she loves.

60.) Do a scavenger hunt. Make up little cards and put them all around the town where you’ve had memories, give them to store clerks, etc. and make your love travel around to find the next card, reliving all of the memories with you.

61.) Write your favorite memories on index cards when your spouse is not home. Tape them to the wall, starting at the door with the earliest memories, and leading to the bedroom door that has a note that says: You are my past, present, and future. I love life with you. Have wine and roses in the bedroom, along with you.

62.) Make your own birthday cards for instead of buying them.

63.) Write a fictional version of your story and have it binded at Kinko’s for a gift.

64.) Make a point to remember and laugh at old memories.

65.) Make a collage by cutting out words from magazines and pasting them together on a silhouette of your sposue... have all the words be aspects of his personality or things that you love about him/her.

66.) Chase each other in summer rain while the kids nap.

67.) Give your spouse a massage without him/her having to ask.

68.) Tell your spouse’s parents why you are thankful for their son/daughter.

69.) Don’t complain about your sposue or things that he/she does.

70.) Smile more often.

71.) Ask him/her what he/she thinks even when you think you’ve got it all figured it out.

72.) Keep a list of everything your spouse wants. Somewhere you can access easily, like a cell phone notepad. That way you can always remember things he/she wants for birthdays or surprise gifts.

73.) Leave a two red roses and one white rose on his windshield when he/she is at work... with a note that says: 2 in love, binded in unity forever by Him. (white is unity/purity and red is love/romance)

74.) He likes baseball and you like ballet? Enjoy baseball as much as you can and learn more about it. Guys, buy a tutu. ☺

75.) Let your spouse dream. Don’t ever tell your love that he/she can’t do something.

76.) Ladies, don’t cut him off or overpower him.

77.) If your spouse doesn’t want to leave a party until 5pm and you’re tired, ask God for grace, love him/her, and stick it out joyfully until 5pm.

78.) Don’t push your strengths on him/her, especially if he/she is weak in those areas. Seek to build your spouse up, always.

79.) Pray with your spouse.

80.) Let him/her teach you something you don’t know.

81.) Take care of your spouse when he/she is sick. Rub his head. Bring her a cool cloth. Set up the TV/Computer to play his favorite movies while he rests. Take the kids outside to let her nap.

82.) Sprinkle your words with sweetness, and ask God to change your attitude when you are annoyed at something.

83.) If you need something from him/her, ask gently.

84.) Don’t manipulate him/her with your emotions.

85.) Tell the kids how much you love Daddy/Mommy.

86.) Have the kids make creative things for Daddy/Mommy, whether it’s a card, a song, a play.... you name it!

87.) Don’t be jealous of Daddy/Mommy time with the kids.

88.) Say “I’m in love with you” more often.

89.) Splash your spouse with the hose in the kitchen... if he/she likes that sorta thing. :)

90.) Plan a surprise birthday party.

91.) Create a book and have everyone your spouse knows write something in it... what they love about him/her, prayers, etc.... and put their pictures in there and give it to him/her. If you know how to design, create something that way and have it binded at Kinko’s.

92.) Make a pretend scrapbook up of all the places he/she wants to go someday but hasn’t. Put info, stats, pictures (maybe even your heads cropped and put on a picture in Italy).... create stories up, like if he/she wants to be a missionary in some country, create a story where you two had to run away from an elephant, have pictures of elephants.... be creative and have fun.

93.) Give him/her a hand massage after he/she has worked with hi/hers hands (mechanic, computer, etc.) for a while.

94.) Your spouse coming home late for some reason? Stay up and greet him/her with a smile.

95.) Your spouse is leaving early for some reason? Get up before him/her and create a hot breakfast.

96.) He/she is late for dinner? Wrap the food up, wait ‘till he/she gets home, and reheat and eat together.

97.) Dream of your spouse and only your spouse.

98.) Ladies, make sure your husband is the only man who knows what your thighs, cleavage, stomach, etc. look like.

99.) Don’t talk about celebrities and how much you think so-and-so is so wonderful. No celebrity crushes. Your spouse is your only crush.

100.) See your spouse through God’s eyes, with God’s grace. Love him/her through God’s heart, with God’s grace. Love Jesus more than anything in your life and ask Him to help you love your husband/wife more and more, to truly lay your life down for him/her, to be selfless, gracious, kind, sweet, joyful, submissive, and in love every day of your life.

Heart of a Woman Affected by Porn

Crown of Creation

By George

The heart of a woman is wired very differently from that of a man. In the very center of her person is the desire to be beautiful. The reason for this, is because she was made for that reason. She is the crown jewel of all creation. Man is the glory of God and a woman is the glory of man. This doesn’t mean she is a mere object, but that she was designed with beauty in mind. Further more, Scripture tells us that a wife will long for the approval of her husband (Genesis 29:31).

To make it all worse, the enemy has worked very hard to make this world a mess for men and women. Both man and woman alike are wrapped up in a dirty scheme that objectifies women and shames man as well.

The heart of a wife has been harmed by this scheme loooooong before you entered the scene. It started very early on for her I am sure. It continues to this day. And it will be a fight to the end to keep free from the lies flung at her heart and mind as it will be for the husband . . . but it will get easier.

So, what is it that she feels deep down? She longs to be that crown jewel ... her husband’s crown jewel! When porn enters the scene it combines with her past wounds and makes that deep desire seem impossible. She thinks everything is a lie. Romance seems like something only actors in movies experience. But hope is not lost. First, God made every woman (regardless of what the world thinks of her) to be beautiful. Her beauty far transcends that of mere physical and aesthetic beauty. It is the very nature of a woman to be beauty ... to be tender, loving, faithful, gentle, nurturing, strong in her own way, and so on.

A wife is a husband’s beauty.

In this world, a woman is told “You are never beautiful enough ... you are not beautiful as you are... you need this and that and the other to be more beautiful.” What is worse, is that every advertisement out there shows a woman who has been make-upped, lighted up, taped up, plastic surgeryed-up, air-brushed and photoshopped. In short, the models held up as “beautiful” are, in fact, fake to the core. They are a man-made unnatural and unobtainable image ... and women who try to attain this fake “beauty” (don’t even like to use that word for it) feel they will never measure up.

At some point as a young guy, men bought into it as well. These thoughts make men fools who don’t know what beauty really is. But!!! Both are sinning in this. A woman covets and so does a man. A man becomes a slave to lust and a woman becomes a slave to comparing herself to every other woman and straining for an unobtainable beauty.

The husband’s part in this is to nurture her beyond all belief. He should do everything above and beyond to show her that he values her and her alone as his beauty. Sure, it is necessary for both husband and wife to recognize that there are other “attractive people” in the world... but ... so what! She is the husband’s beauty, and he is her hero. Sounds kind of silly, but I assure you it is true. Her heart needs God’s healing touch above all, but a husband can choose to be a tool God uses to help her, or he can choose to be a tool the devil uses to further break her heart. Be the gentle loving hands of God. Husband’s should never allow themselves to become upset when his wife doesn’t trust. He should endure it for the sake of her. Do everything to make her feel comfortable. For example, if movies make her feel uncomfortable, stop watching them!

At the same time, she will need to give grace even though it is difficult to trust. She needs to give her husband a safe environment to be honest without manipulating with her emotions or getting angry. And yet, no matter what, a husband neeeeeds to be honest even if it doesn’t feel safe in the moment. Do you see how this works? Both give to the other above and beyond what they think is normal. If she gives him her all and he gives her his all, they will be laying down your lives for each other. He will be respected and appreciated, and she will feel loved and valued as the beauty and crowning jewel of his crown.

God is for your marriage, and so are we. Be in battle together FOR your marriage. Do not give satan a place to work in you. Put a stop to his schemes and show him that he has no place in your life. Thank God regularly for what He is doing and give him praise for His love and goodness. You will not be disappointed. He will never leave you nor forsake you. He loves you and your marriage more than you can possibly imagine.

Why She Does What She Does

By Ashley

All of those moments of desperation I had. All my freak-out moments that made George feel like our marriage would never taste goodness and beauty again. I want to talk about the why’s and how’s beneath our actions.

Instability

Throughout the healing process for a woman, there are so many things that pull us in so many different directions. To an outsider we may seem unstable or mentally crazy. Literally. But in our hearts, we are battling something in the core of us. We’re trying to fight for love and beauty and everything we desire and cherish, and we feel like the very person who is one with us is fighting against us. Our husband’s are us. When they work against us, it literally feels like we’re ripping apart. And we are.

So much of this process is emotional, so it’s easy to base our reactions on our feelings without even realizing it. One minute we might feel strong, like we can get through this, we don’t care what he sees, then the next minute a woman may walk by with revealing clothing and send us right back where we started. Our instability happens naturally in the healing process. Our roots are uplifted and we realize our marriage foundation was made on a bed of lies. We have to search through truth and lies and find ourselves balanced again. But it’s not easy.

We can get through this instability by learning to rely on God’s truth, instead of our husband’s. We can rely on God’s faithfulness, instead of our husband’s. We can ground ourselves in the reality of God’s truth, instead of allowing our emotions to toss us back and forth like an unsteady ship. We can allow God to steer our ship, instead of going in five-hundred directions and feeling more lost by the second.

Is this easy? No. Nothing about this is easy. But we can find rest and peace amidst the storm. We just have to take the hand of Jesus. Or ... we can doubt.

Doubt

Everything. I doubted everything from God’s existence to the existence of true romance and love. I doubted George and all of his actions. If he told me he didn’t lust while he was at work, I didn’t believe him. If he told me he did, I didn’t believe he was giving me all the details. If he said he wasn’t tempted by anything, I pried, looking for something, some sort of evidence to be upset at him and justified in my pain. Why? Because his lies broke all of my truths to pieces.

You can’t just trust a husband overnight. Not after he’s bruised your heart and has yet to prove that he’s trustworthy by valuing your heart. But you can forgive. And forgiveness mixed with love and grace will eventually birth trust, if he is willing to work with you and truly change. But trusting our husband’s is one thing. Trusting God is an entirely different thing. And we shouldn’t doubt God just because our husband’s fail us. We shouldn’t doubt that God loves us and He has a plan for us through all of this pain and devastation.

Some women email me and their marriages have failed. So, trusting God doesn’t mean that we trust our husband’s to change and our marriage to suddenly be thriving. That’s just not how it works. Trusting God means that we give Him our lives. No matter how much our husband’s fail us, no matter how much they refuse to change, no matter how broken our marriage becomes ... we trust that God loves us and He will use this time for good. We just have to be willing to let Him, instead of clutching the victim label. We have to stop doubting God and allow Him to be glorified through our pain.

Control

I don’t know about you, but I wanted to control everything about my husband’s life. I wanted him to change so badly for me, that I would have loved to have strapped a camera to his shirt so I could prove he was lusting, even when he wasn’t. But this control doesn’t help a man change, it helps him freak out and start obsessing over everything he sees. Did I just lust? Uh oh, I saw an attractive woman and recognized that ... was I lusting? Uh oh, short skirt approaching. Oops, I accidentally looked again when she was in my path. Did I lust?

George literally started to go crazy. And I was going crazy, too. Every single attractive woman who crossed our paths was scrutinized by me so I could compare myself and depress myself with thoughts like, “I bet George thought she had a better....” He didn’t think like that at all, but I liked to drive myself crazy with these thoughts, always thinking I needed to look like every other person in the world in order to captivate my husband. Why was I this way? Because George’s actions proved to me what the world so often said ... you are not good enough, you are not captivating, your beauty is not enough to hold my attention. He made me feel like I needed to be a porn star, or be sensual, or be everything I wasn’t, just in order to have the beautiful intimacy I so craved in my marriage. So, I wanted to control him to get that intimacy back.

But this control drives a man crazy and can drive him away. But it’s almost as though we can’t help it. We desperately want them to change. We want our marriage back. We want to feel captivating and beautiful, and this world makes it such a fight. We’re not meant to see another woman’s thighs, but we do. All the time. Intimacy meant for marriage is displayed on our television screens. It’s hard. It’s hard to allow our husband’s to watch TV when we know it’s going to harm our marriage. But ladies, here’s the thing . . . if your husband doesn’t choose these things on his own he will not have a true heart change. If he’s just modifying behaviors to keep his wife from playing mommy in his life, he will not have a true change of heart. Let him be. Pray for him. Be honest with him. But let his own heart change. You can’t change it for him.

Heartache

There are so many things we do throughout this process, but it all comes down to heartache. We have been wounded in the place it hurts worse. Our beauty as a woman has been scarred again, told that it’s not good enough. Our essence as a woman, to love and be loved, has been sliced and stepped on. We always feel like we need to do something in order to measure up. We wear masks. We put on make-up. We spend money on clothing. We clean up our houses before people come over when we know we are not being real. We have this pride. This pride of wanting to be the best at everything. To be the most beautiful, most nurturing, most strong and courageous, most loving, most clean . . . we are always striving and hiding. And it’s all because of this ache in our hearts. This ache to love and be loved.

Heart of a Man Affected By Porn

Why He Does What He Does

By Ashley

“Promise me this was the only time you’ve looked at something,” I said to George in the quiet of our bedroom.

“I promise.”

He promised. And his promise was a lie. He promised again, later. Again, a lie. He lied several more times until the full truth dribbled out little by litter. Finally, after nights of prying, I knew everything. For the first time since I had met my husband, I knew him.

Why do men do the things they do? That’s what I want to talk about today.

Lying

There are several reasons men lie throughout this process. One, to protect themselves from being viewed in a negative light. Two, to protect their wives from the pain they fear it will cause. Three, to keep lust in their lives because they aren’t ready to let go. It could be one of these reasons, or all. Either way, a man who is lying is a man living in a fear. He is afraid of the outcome truth will bring, so he hides in his lies.

I really think some men become so used to lying through this period that they lie about little things too. It’s almost as though lying becomes natural. George was keeping porn from me, so he also had to lie about staying at work late (or covering it up by actually working a little before or after he looked at porn). This carried in to everything. I’d catch him saying “white lies” to his family. I’d catch him in little tiny white lies to me. Silly things. Things that I would never understand why he needed to lie about in the first place.

When a man is lying he is fearing the outcome of truth. He wants to remain in the darkness with his sin unexposed, because he knows that once the sin is exposed change is required of him, or at least asked of him. Maybe he isn’t ready. Maybe he knows his wife isn’t ready. But she never will be ready. So really, he needs to find the courage to face the truth. He needs to desire change and freedom from lust.

Resistance

I hear from so many women who are troubled by their husband’s actions. She wants to forgive and heal and move into a better state of their marriage. He wants to continue on in his current lifestyle and just have her get over it, move on, and heal already. He doesn’t want to wait.

He doesn’t want a wife who is his mother. So if you try to force him to change, he’s going to resist. He has to want change on his own. It MUST be birthed from his own desire to please God and please you and find freedom from lust. If you nag him, force him, beg him -- he will resist you or he may try to change for you, but he will regress because he’s only doing it to make you smile. This might even make him lie even more. If he knows that you will be unhappy with his choices like a mom waiting at home with a punishment, he will lie about his actions and just hide them from you.

He will resist anger and control, but if you pray for him, treat him with gentleness, and express your pain to him (pain caused by his actions), instead of getting angry and trying to control, he may have a better reaction to your pain. He may actually desire to change for you.

But really, it shouldn’t matter if you slap him in the face or kiss him on the cheek. His actions should always, always come from his own heart and desire to change, not anything you do or don’t do. He can’t rely on you or blame you for his own issues.

Blame

Often men will point fingers at their wives. You don’t do this enough. Well, if you aren’t having sex with me I have to find pleasure somehow! It’s your fault I lust anyway, you make me think about it too much by asking details. You need to dress up more, wear more lingerie.

On and on the list goes. They blame their wives because they truly think it is their wife’s fault. I really think during this entire time a man’s brain is so warped by the way he’s been living, that he thinks he is normal and justified in his actions. Every man lusts, so it’s no big deal. Jack is way worse than me, he gets prostitutes, so at least I’m not like that. There’s nothing wrong with masturbation, I need to release somehow, it’s chemical, biological.

And when a wife defends herself and constantly points fingers at her husband (you need to do this, you can’t do that, please stop doing this) it will only make him defend himself and blame her even more. It’s just a cycle of blame. No one is taking the blame, so it’s going in circles. But you know ... both husband and wife should stop pointing fingers at each other and point their fingers at the devil. Then, fight this together, instead of against each other.

Control

Men who don’t want to change or don’t take their wife’s thoughts into consideration generally want to control this situation. Just like a woman who wants to control a man’s thoughts and lust habits. He wants his life, his fun, his enjoyment. He doesn’t want to live in a house like a hermit and stare at walls. He wants to enjoy life and he fears his wife’s insecurities will strip fun from his life.

Often, we have distorted views of fun anyway. Fun is always about us. What I like, what I enjoy, what I want to do. But fun should be about others too. What does my wife like to do? I want to enjoy something with her that I wouldn’t normally enjoy, just to make her happy. Fun can be in our own homes. In fact, it starts there.

Men (and women) are so clouded by this culture of constant noise (text messages, facebook, twitter, stuff, billboards, stuff, commercials, radios) that we don’t know what to do in the quiet of our own homes. My thoughts are ... strip everything from your life for a night. No phones, no computers, no TV’s, no video games, no radios, nothing. Sit at home with your spouse and children and find a way to have fun. If you can’t, figure it out. Fun starts there and works its way out. If you can’t have fun without noise, then you’re missing out on the good stuff.

Don’t strip your husband’s fun from his life. Don’t tell him not to watch his favorite movies. Let those choices come from his own heart and quest for purity. Meanwhile, look for other ways to have fun. Don’t try to control and push him away from you, pull him toward you with your love and gentleness. Give him grace, even when he doesn’t deserve it. And if he still doesn’t love you enough to please you . . . you need to realize that it’s not you, it’s him.

When a character in my novel is asked how he can continue to love his “wife” after she divorces him, leaves him for another man, and ruins his life, he responds, “I don’t think of it that way . . . I think of it as her ruining her own life.” Learn to think of it that way too.

The Kingship of a Man

By George

“Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth...” Genesis 1:26

Man was made to reflect the very image and likeness of God and then to preside over the entirety of the created order. Man was made with a glory unlike any created being. He was made with a great level of authority . . . a sort of nobility was given to him to rule over the created order.

The first man, Adam was to look over, care for and even name the rest of creation. It was a task that no other being could do, and yet God saw that Adam needed someone to be his helper and completion (which is where woman comes into the mix). But here we are focusing on what is at the center of a man’s makeup. And what is at the center is the desire to fulfill this original design.

The man’s role as the noble of the land is not one that should be understood as a dictatorship. He is meant to be -- as Christ perfectly exemplified -- a servant and king in his household. Think of Jesus. How He came to serve, not to be served, and yet all the while He was God, our King.

The lies of the enemy, which were aimed at men from the very beginning, is that a man’s position means the world is theirs for whatever they desire or please. It takes nobility and turns it into a villian. And the man comes to believe that all things are made for him to have for his own, to be used according to his own desires. You can see this by observing history and the problems that happened as a result of this deception. Men became power-mad with a desire to rule the world all throughout history. Think about Hitler. Napolean.

Porn is a smaller manifestation of the same lie, but it’s the same in a greater sense. Women are made to be used for the gratification of man. No thought is given to the welfare of others, the heart of women, but it’s an act that is completely self-centered. In isolation a man views real people, committing real acts of sin, as a source for his own pleasure in the most perverse manner. In some cases, a man who does this may never, or would never, do these things or seek these things in real life . . . it stays in fantasyland. But the devil mocks the design of a man all over again. What’s supposed to be bold and noble (man) is hiding in the dark, weak and pathetic, fighting for no one, not even his own soul.

There is hope for man. That even when God’s design for him has been perverted, it is not lost. God is not lost and the purpose of man is not lost. The ability to become what he was created to be is still within his framework, but it can only happen with the presence of God in not just his life, but every single facet of his life.

As men, we don’t always realize what our design is. It’s hidden from us, under the lies, and we have to come to a place where we rid the lies and see the truth. Fully. No blinders. No lies. Just truth. The truth is man was designed to reign and to rule in the manner in which God Himself rules, which is benevolent, selfless, and humble. Not self-serving, but serving others.

Have you seen Lord of the Rings? One of the most beautiful scenes is at the end of the film when Aragorn (king) says to Frodo and his buddies, “My friends, you bow to no one.” And then he, and all of his people, bow for them. What a humble king. What a beautiful king. And now, look at Jesus, who is even more of a beautiful King.

Men are made to be noble, not to hide in dark places and please themselves at the cost of others. They are made to fight for others, not to kill the spirit of their wives and so many other women by seeking self-pleasure in pornography. Men are made to sanctify and not to defile. To nourish beauty and not to stain it, to lead others into the presence of God and to offer up all that was given to mankind to God, in thanksgiving, therefore giving God His right place as the ultimate King.

Men were made to fight, sometimes I just think they end up fighting the same battle in the wrong army. Sometimes I think they forget they are fighting, so they lay down and get trampled on. And, I’m sure, there are times when they draw their sword and stab themselves right in the chest.

My hope is to see pornography escape the lives of every man. That they will draw their swords, fight in God’s army, and restore the nobility and beauty of their kingship. I can’t even imagine Lord of the Rings if Aragorn took the ring for his own self-pleasure and followed the path of his dad. Nobility. It’s a beautiful quality.

Questions & Answers

Husband’s Questions

She doesn’t believe anything I say. So what does it matter what I do or don’t do for her?

Ashley: Remember how much you loved her in the beginning of your relationship? You were willing to do anything to spend time with her. It felt good back then. It may not feel good to lay your life down for her now. You may want to be justified. You want her to believe you. When she doesn’t, it gets under your skin. You feel like your peddling a bike uphill, getting nowhere. She never lets you get anywhere. Love anyway. Just like you did in the beginning. Treat her with more love and grace than you did back then. Love. Fully. Unconditionally. Like Jesus. Love changes lives. If someone doesn’t believe you love them, prove it. Make it so that they could never, ever deny that you love them ... and eventually, they will believe you along with the rest of the world.

George: It matters A LOT. One important lesson in all of this (for a man) is that a woman longs for her husband to fight for her. In the tough times that come out of this betrayal, it is so important to fight to re-prove your love and devotion to your spouse. Do above and beyond what you think you are able to do. Lay your very life down. In the sight of heaven, it matters little what her response is in reference to you, so, lay your life down, and expect nothing in return ... not even trust. If you have repented of your sin and have started anew, then you must do it and continue to do it for God, and then for your wife. The whole of Christian life is wrapped up in loving God with your whole person and then loving others as yourself. Perhaps in due time, your work will begin to help heal the woman you helped to damage.

How much should I tell her? What does she need to know throughout this? Anything she shouldn’t know?

Ashley: What she needs to know and what she wants to know are often two different things. She wants to know everything, even things that may hurt her. But what she needs to know is that you’ve sinned against her, you are repenting, and you so desire her forgiveness and love. She doesn’t need to know details, but if she asks you ... don’t lie, don’t hide, even if you know the truth will hurt her. But by asking details, she is hurting herself. See, as women, we have this pride of wanting to be outwardly beautiful in an unhealthy way. This pride makes us so jealous of other women. So, we ask details not because we care about your heart or your healing, but because we want to compare ourselves to these women. We want to know what you like about them that we don’t have, not so we can go get plastic surgery, instead, we will torture ourselves with these thoughts until we realize that there is no competition. We are who we are. But it’s not your job to hide the truth if it’s painful. It’s not wise of a woman to ask certain things, but if she asks, express to her your desire not to tell her details, and if she still wants to know . . . tell her with gentleness and love. (Women, I hope your desire is soon passed these things, that you eventually come to a point where you don’t want your pride nursed or your insecurity worsened. Love your husband enough to not probe for details. It will only devastate your marriage further. I know, I’ve done it. A lot. And it never helped heal anyone.)

George: This is a tough question. First of all, you should be willing to appease her need for details, but secondly, she shouldn’t be probing too deep. So, the two need to move forward in agreement. I know this is easier said than done, but it is wisdom. Again, for a man, he needs to be willing to lay everything down, but women ought to know that they will not benefit from details that paint too much of a picture. A man’s job in this is to confess and be honest, but a woman’s job is to forgive ... not to control the situation or to treat the husband as a child. Mutual love and respect go a long way.

My wife thinks I should be in a counseling program or have an accountability partner to be recovered, but I have truly changed without that and I feel like doing it would take away God’s glory of healing me without those things. Any ideas what I should do to make my wife believe that I don’t need that?

Ashley: Don’t try to make her believe anything. Love her through actions, not words, and she will eventually see that you have changed. But you know what? If she wants you to go to a counseling program, go. What will it hurt? Glorify God in the counseling program. And love your wife by choosing to do something you don’t want to do. God will be glorified in that.

George: Nothing can take away God’s glory if He has brought you through this. it may not be *right* for her to ask this of you, but it may not be wrong either. Perhaps she feels in her mind that it is a necessary part of the process. You could go and be honest and by telling the truth of how you struggled and then were delivered through obedience to God and that He is the source of your renewal, then perhaps it will be clear to both your wife and to the councilor. Sometimes it is not our job to make someone believe. If it is true, it will one day be seen as the truth ... sooner or later (sadly in some folks cases very late).

What can I do to show my wife that I really do think she is the most beautiful woman in the world to me, even though there are other attractive women out there?

Ashley: Kiss her when another woman passes. Be so wrapped up and in love with her that other women and their physical beauty do not consume you. It’s so easy when we are married to become selfish and prideful. To want to have selfish fun. To think that the other person has somehow ruined our fun. Since we’ve gotten married, suddenly everything is boring. Well ... do something about it. Make it fun. Get rid of these two harmful ingredients: pride and selfishness. And mix in the most important ingredients for your marriage to thrive: God, love, selflessness, and humility. And then love her like you did in the beginning, and even more. Kiss her, every day, the way you kissed her on your wedding day. Don’t hold on to your own ideas of fun, do things the other person thinks is fun. If he likes baseball and you hate it, go and enjoy it with him. If she likes the opera and you hate them, go and enjoy them with her.

George: Prove it by your actions. Your love and admiration should overflow from your entire person. Of course every woman is a unique person, so what it takes, and how long it takes will be different for every woman. Ultimately, the nature and importance of that question changes I think. As a woman finds her validation in the love of God, she too will be transformed and see beauty in a very different light. The question will still be important to some extent, but the truth of your above statement will no longer be an offense. She also should come to know (as should the man) that she is the most beautiful woman in her husband’s eyes, for far more than physical reasons. She is the very person God blessed to be your wife, and that means for more reasons than meet the eye, she is the missing puzzle piece to your life. Her beauty is transcendent, and is superior to any mere physical aesthetic appearance.

How do I make my wife feel secure and loved again? How can I create a safe environment now that I’ve messed everything up and she doesn’t even want me to touch her?

Ashley: Stop defending yourself, even when she is set on defending her pain. Stop arguing with her over petty things like watching TV or getting online without her around. Stop loving yourself so much that you can’t see how much this woman is hurting because of your sin (even if it’s in the past, it takes her a long time to heal). Create a safe environment by doing what makes her feel comfortable, not what you want to do. If she doesn’t feel comfortable watching PG-13 movies, don’t watch them and lovingly do so. Don’t do so with a grumbling spirit or because she asked you to, do so because you know it bothers her and you genuinely want to see her smile. Fight for her. Give her space, but love her in other ways. If she doesn’t want you to touch her, write her a love note every day, three times a day. Go above and beyond, guys. Show her romance in ways you’ve never even imagined expressing it before. Fall in love with her all over again.

George: You give her the amount of space she requires, and simultaneously express (even if subtly at first) that your desire is to be near her and to make her comfortable no matter what. It comes down to laying down all of your personal needs/wants. You don’t do anything that would make her uncomfortable, and if you do by accident, you make a sincere apology! Be patient and consistent, and by loving her, respecting her, accomodating her and by praying for her, you will help to cultivate a secure environment.

How do I lay my life down for my wife and love her as Christ loves the Church? It seems so out of reach and not something that I can do.

Ashley: Love God more. Seek God more. Knock, and you will find. Treat your wife as a part of your own body. She is part of your own body and your body is hers. Respect your own body (masturbation) as though it is HER body. And love God so much that you can’t help but love others. It may seem out of reach to lay your life down for your wife and love with this beautiful love, but it’s not. You just need to set your heart on Jesus Christ and love through Him. Through Him ... all things are possible.

George: It is out of reach ... only through the very presence of God in your life can you do this! You need Him every step of the way. It is not a natural thing for a man to lay down his life, but something that is MORE than natural. It defies normal human logic, but not the truth that comes from the Holy Spirit. As Christians, we ought to be doing this for all people as Christ did, and all the more for our spouses ... our closest neighbor and friend. The “HOW” is in denying yourself and following Christ. If your own needs and desires are dead to you in comparison to the needs of others, then you will have no trouble suiting someone else’s needs and wants to show them how much you love them. And God is for this kind of love. If He is for you, who can be against you?

My wife is in so much pain that she literally cries herself to sleep every night. I really have changed. What can I do to make her feel better? I hate seeing her cry.

Ashley: Hold her. If she pushes you away, fight for her. Hold her until she collapses in your arms. Love her. Cry with her. Be with her. Feel her pain, instead of your own. Put yourself in her shoes, in her heart. Tell her how you think it feels to be betrayed, hurt by the one person you never want to be hurt by. And pray for God to comfort her when you can’t.

George: If your emotions move you to, cry with her. Mourn the tragedy, the betrayal, the pain and the loss of trust with her. And yet, as a man be strong in your determination to keep on keeping on with a better life. Try to reach out to her in comfort. Ashley always said something to the tune of, “You were the last and the first person I wanted to comfort me.” It is tough for me to say where to draw the line in your pursuit of “holding her” in those times, but Ashley always said that “a man should fight to console his wife, even if he is fighting her to do it.” Take that for what it is worth.

If my wife happens to be struggling with the pride of wanting to be the most beautiful woman in the world, how do I support her in this without hurting her more? I know my actions have made this insecurity worse, so what can I do to help her without making her feel like Iím slapping her in the face?

Ashley: Just love her. As George says below, don’t point out her sin to her. Right now you really just need to love her. If she is seeking things that you know are pride, love her through it. You don’t have to nurse her pride by saying things like, “You are the most beautiful woman in the world. Wow, you are just gorgeous. Love that dress, shnookums.” Instead, show her. How’s that for a good idea? Practice showing her that she is beautiful by actions, not words. Keep your mouth closed a little more, and open your ears. Listen to her more than you speak. Learn about her heart. Keep a journal of all the lovely things about her, all the things she loves, even silly little things. Show her that you care. Most women don’t want to hear, “You are beautiful,” after you’ve shown her the complete opposite by choosing other women over her. So, be quiet and show her that she is beautiful. May take some figuring out on your part. :)

George: It is not your job in this process to call much of anything out. Your prayers and consistent love-soaked living will be your best weapons to fight the evil that has affected her. You are both engaged in a deep spiritual battle. The battleground is your mind ... and the aim of the enemy is to stop you in your tracks and to ruin your marriage, and make you both slaves of sin. Her pride is sin, so forgive her and love her through it. Be the kindest, most gentle and loving husband you can be.

Since your actions made this issue worse, help reverse it by actions steeped in Love. Be careful not to be the one who turns the light on her sin. God can do this if she is willing. If you tried to do this, the result may not be pretty, as you noted. You are the original offender. Your job is to pour ointment on the wound and to doctor her with all gentleness and patience. You may have to endure a lot of things, but it is all worth it to please God and to help do right where you once did wrong. By the mercy and grace of God, one day your wife may be healed and freed from her own vices and sin.

Is recognizing beauty lustful?

George: To recognize beauty is not lust. Let me talk a little more about this....

When you are working and keeping vigil not to look at a woman and DESIRE her, or use her as eye candy it can be a difficult time for both you and your wife. The first thing I mentioned (not looking at a woman and desiring her) is lust of the flesh and the second is the lust of the eyes. However, it is impossible to work or be in a public setting and not see other women who may or may not be attractive to you. But it is what you do with it that counts.

In the beginning of your healing process, there is a heightened sense of awareness for both you and your wife. You are registering attractive women all the more because of what you went through. The fact that your wife wants to know who you see also puts it at the forefront of your mind. But what must be done on your part, is that after you initially recognize visual attractiveness ... stop it at that. It’s like a fact that you check off, but not a fantasy to be entered into, or a piece of eye candy to gawk at. Don’t turn women into objects. Look at them through God’s eyes. You stop it at the door with, “Yes, this is an attractive woman ... so what!”.

Furthermore, I would urge you to begin to train your mind out of this thought pattern. What is physical beauty, anyway? It is a fleeting thing that will not last all of life. (Physical beauty is still something created by God. Flowers are beautiful. Creation is beautiful. But we often look at beauty through eyes of sensuality, eyes of the world, instead of God’s eyes.) What is more praiseworthy and worthy of note are the virtues manifested in the lives of every person. This is what you need to think about all the more. Take time to think about what is great about your wife. The things that are in her that are truly noble qualities.

Lastly, I want to encourage you to be willing to try to do anything you can to make her feel better, however ... if your wife is asking you to tell her every detail of every woman you see throughout your day, then she is asking you something that is not reasonable and is the echo of her insecurity. I don’t want to diminish the fact, though, that you should be willing to go the distance. She is fragile, and you really hit her where it hurts.

I want to encourage both of you to turn all the more to Christ. He must be your heartbeat... both for you and your wife. Reflect on the love of Christ for His Church. He gave Himself up for her. The Master became the slave and suffered for the sake of love. You both must follow His lead, but especially you as the husband and head of your household. You need to rise up as Christ... rise up and be humble. Rise up to wash the feet of your wife, and to do all that you can to help heal her deep wounds. No snap of the fingers will do. Your wife needs to turn all the more to find her validation in Christ, but simultaneously, you need to BE CHRIST to her.

How do I learn to look through new eyes?

George: Lust plagues so many men, and I was one of them. And to be absolutely clear, I believe the temptation to sin never fully goes away, although as an individual you can become more than just a recovering addict. You can become a victor through Christ.

If you have stopped watching porn for a short time, please remember that you are still at the epicenter of the fight. The fight will take time and may cost you a great deal of pain. So, decide now to see it through ... not simply for your wife, or for yourself, but for the love of God. To live a faithful and pure life for the God of the universe must be your aim. The results benefit you and your wife, but the goal is to seek Him in all things first.

If your main problem right now is simply gazing at women and lusting after them, I want to talk a little bit about the eyes.

In the Gospel of Luke (11:27-36) Jesus talks about the eyes being the lamp of the whole body. He mentions that if your eye is full of light and not darkened at all, that your whole body will also be lit up, but if your lamp is darkened, so will the whole body be darkened (partially or fully).

Pair that with the old statement “Garbage in – Garbage out... What goes in must come out.” If you have for a very long time darkened your eyes with evil images, well, you are probably well filled with dark things. Not to say you are completely darkened, but certainly the part of you pertaining to sex is corrupted. You have an incorrect view of sex. Even if you can state what sex really is, you do not function with that as your true mode of understanding. Meaning ... you KNOW what is true, but have acted and still do act in the opposite manner.

To put this simply, I think for a man there are stages that they eyes go through, which you may now be going through.

The first stage is the original state of each human being. Your eyes take in and register various things. They definitely recognize beauty. This is a God-given function for the eyes, because obviously we seek out a mate and the eyes play a role in this. We see beauty in all things, not just people, but places, things, nature, buildings. This is not an impure way of seeing, but can easily become impure if you begin to see beyond the beauty of something and look at it as an object. Women and men alike are beautiful, but the second we view them through the eyes of lust (instead of God’s eyes) we will see them as objects. It’s a self-centered lens we put over our eyes to view others, and it is not pure.

The stage that you may be in as you begin your fight toward purity may be a stage where you try to unveil the corrupted lens over your eyes. When your eyes are corrupted the natural purpose of the eye is twisted. Usually this happens because someone or some thing is put before the eyes that the eyes want to see. Right now, I’m specifically talking about sexual content. For me this happened many times and little by little. At an early age I was exposed to sexual content in R-rated movies. When I was 13 a friend brought pornography up on a computer screen. Not enough time to really think in that situation. The image was put up and my eyes bit the apple ... especially since they had been preconditioned to receive that kind of image.

The enemy of our souls works very hard to trap us and he starts very young. He uses the natural function of the eye and exploits it with corruption. A woman’s body is made to be beautiful and to arouse a man, but that is intended for the marriage bed. The enemy puts it in front of us in an exploited manner, even to the point of taking it to depraved levels. The depravity is tied to the natural instinct and corruption takes place on levels of the mind and heart, because the eyes take it in. The eye’s are darkened with evil and the body follows suit.

The next phase your eyes go through is tied to this last one (most likely if you are reading this you have started into this phase). This phase is where you cut out your old, dead eyes. Obviously not a literal statement, but hear me out.

Since your lamps have gone bad, you need new bulbs! How do you go about this part of the journey?

First, you must remove everything that causes any level of corruption that is within your power to remove. I recommend being careful where you go—stay away from any place that has sexual imagery. The mall, the grocery store, video rental places, places to rent movies online, and so forth—they all have too many land mines in them to justify entering. In regards to individuals in public, do not allow your eyes to rest on anyone, and do not allow your mind to linger. Fight the desire to ponder with making petitions to God. Speak your desire to be a man of purity, honor, and faithfulness to Him. Ask Him to purify your mind and heart and to protect you from the evil one.

The battle rages at this part of the journey, because you are person who is no longer taking in the drug that keeps you unable to fight. Instead, you are seen as a threat to the darkness, because you could become free and effective for freeing others and bringing light into the darkness. Your mind will be attacked using the images you have taken in and anything else the enemy can throw at you. He may even whisper to you that you cannot do this! Remember ... he is the father of lies.

Meet every painstaking challenge with petitions, but also WORSHIP. Confess what is true about God – that He is holy and worthy of praise. Thank Him for the opportunity to suffer through this to attain more fully the life of Christ. Do this, and the enemy will grow frustrated with you turning temptation on its head. The enemy wants you to fall and to fail and worship is the exact opposite of what they want. As Paul tells us “Make every thought captive to Christ” - you must make Jesus your truest companion. Turn all of your thoughts over to Him and as often as needed. When you do this, He will strengthen you for this fight.

Finally, get some new eyes ... or, in better words, your eyes are made new. After removing all the corrupt input for a great length of time, making Christ your companion and worshiping God and petitioning for Him to change you, you finally begin to see the way He wants you to see. Your eyes are much like the original state of the eyes at an earlier age. You see and recognize beauty, but it doesn’t send you spiraling into sin. Not to say that no temptation exists, because there is still an enemy that will try on occasion, but you do what is right when the temptation comes. And in your heart, you desire what is good and right. As a married man, you will desire to look at your wife as your fulfillment. Other women may be aesthetically pleasing, but your wife’s beauty is all of that and even transcends the beauty of the eye. She is the only one who is so beautiful because she is your completion. Her beauty far exceeds anyone elses, and that captivates your heart, mind, and eyes.

Your new eyes don’t want to see corruption. They don’t want to rest on the image (on screen, in print, or in person) of someone who is scantily-clad. You will desire to be pure even in what you see. You will never be able to live life entirely without seeing things, but you will be re-wired with new light bulbs ... and your whole person will be lit up. You will love truth and holiness and reject anything that is not of God. Eventually you will be free to interact in the world again, but you will still be cautious ... you will desire to keep the lamp lit up to its fullest. You will maintain yourself for the Love of God and neighbor (your wife) and also yourself. Your eyes will be new and you will be too!

My prayer is that you would indeed be free and that Christ may bless you richly with the presence of the Holy Spirit in your life. Decide to put on the new man (Christ) everyday, while you put your old self and old eyes to death. My prayer is also for your wife, that she might be healed and transformed also. Marriage is so beautiful and sex is, too. The enemy hates you both and your marriage ... and sex. Don’t allow him to win. Fight for your marriage, for your own purity, and for the God you so love. It’s not an easy fight, but it’s possible to find victory. I have after struggling with lust for over a decade. I know you can, too.

What are some practical ways to be free of porn?

George:

Know what you are up against.

Once a man (or woman) has exposed his/her sin and decided to turn from it, he needs to know what kind of battle he is about to face. The battlefront is in the mind and heart. The main enemy he will face is not mere flesh and blood, but principalities (demonic/satanic forces). The weapons are numerous. From lies whispered in the ear about being a failure (and incapable of being faithful) to images that fire darts at you from the grocery store line. Then, there are people in life who may discourage you ... This fight is huge. And when you want to be free of this sin, be ready to face a great challenge for some time.

Know the Truth.

When you decide to repent of this sin and be freed from the enslavement it brings, fill yourself with the Truth. The mind is the battlefield. It really is. Load your arsenal with what is “true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable... anything excellent or praiseworthy” (Philippians 4:8). And know what is true about you. No, not that you had a past of sin. Remember what is true of you from God’s perspective. You are a son (or woman) of God through Christ. You are already seated with Christ in the Heavenly realm. You can do all things for Christ. Constantly remind yourself of what is true about you, and about your hearts desire for purity and faithfulness.

Know who it is for.

This fight must be fought for God. First, foremost, and to the end. You also fight lust for others (and yourself), but ultimately the reason must be for God. If you are single, know that no sin is private. No person may see your actions, or see into your mind and heart, but if you claim to be a Christian you are a part of Christ’s body. Your sin effects the whole body. If you are dating or married (all the more) you will be doing this for your beloved’s well-being as well. True love looks out for the best interest of others. Finally, but certainly not last in importance, you are doing this for you. The quality of your spiritual life and therefore your life in total is not what it should and can be.

Know what to do when your mind is attacked.

If you are going throughout the day, and you feel attacked in your mind by hearing lies about how pathetic you are, or how much you would love to indulge in the sin of lust (in any way) meet the attack with worship, prayer (asking for strength to be obedient in all ways and for deliverance from evil) and praise. Remember not to dwell on the sin when you pray, instead surrender the sin to God and worship Him. Take your focus from the sin to His holiness. Thank Him for His holiness, faithfulness, mercy, grace and love. Thank Him for being your fortress and your deliverer – your rock and strong tower. The enemy of your soul will not like seeing the opposite of his desires happen when you are attacked. The evil agenda is to keep you trapped not to have you worship, pray and thank God more!

Resist the devil and he will flee from you.

This is a reinforcement of number 4. Say no the way Christ did in His temptations by recalling Truth (speak it) and turn towards the father.

Flee Temptation.

When temptation arises in any form. Remove yourself from the place/situation. Do not worry about making someone feel uncomfortable (even yourself). Flee temptation, do not justify, defend, or desensitize yourself to the temptations around you. It will only make it worse.

Make clear choices about where you go and what you do.

This is a tough one for some people. You may justify some place you go because you love them. Maybe you don’t want to give certain places or things up. But remember ... Jesus said to cut out your eye if it’s causing you to sin. Instead of cutting out your eye, you are taking Him seriously by cutting out places that make this more difficult for you.

Lust is a fire that needs snuffed out. Cut off it’s air supply and stop throwing sticks into it. Men are wired visually, so be careful what you allow your eyes to see. Your mind and heart file images away, and these are the sticks the fuel and the air that the fire breaths. This is closely linked to number 2. You get the bad stuff out and instead put the good stuff in. I personally chose to stop going to video rental places, the mall, and anywhere that might toss a stick my way. When it could not be avoided (grocery store line trashy magazines) I kept my eyes from resting on sexually-charged images. Snuff out the fire, or put in another way ... let the river of the mind run clean. Stop polluting it. Do whatever it takes, even if it means tossing the TV! Also, since pornography is so rampant on the internet, decide to never be alone on the internet. If you work in a situation where you are alone, do something about it! Take extreme measures.

Surround yourself with people who encourage you.

Just as Peter was used of the devil, others can be as well... even other well-intentioned people can be used to thwart what is good. During this time of restoration of mind and heart, do your best to find people that will support you – people that understand how important this is.

Be honest about the sin, but do not be stuck on the problem.

We can fall prey to a cycle of focusing on the problem and making it grow in our minds to an unimaginable size. Focus on the goal of being faithful to the call of Christ.

Be accountable to someone who truly encourages you to continue fighting for what is right.

Accountability is not just about telling someone when you feel weak or when you fail. They are just a source of encouragement in total. It’s not just an accountability group that goes something like this:

“Hey, man. I looked at _____ four times last week.”

“Me too. I just can’t stop.”

“Yeah. Let’s pray.”

Same conversation repeats the next week. Let’s stop focusing on sin and focus on God, purity, love, righteousness, etc. Pray, worship, and talk about the beauty of true love, the beauty of Jesus, the beauty of humans (and how we can better love porn stars by not treating them as objects of our pleasure). Remember to not just focus on the sin of lust. Turn from it and focus on things that are pure, and surround yourself with people who encourage you to do this.

Support causes that fight against the things that plague you.

Do things to be an active part of mending what you once contributed to the tearing down of. If you have struggled with porn, pray for the porn stars and producers. Monetarily support a ministry if you can. XXXChurch (the Esther’s Fund supports porn stars) and The Pink Cross are two of them.

Know that freedom from sin ultimately comes from obedience to God.

But your obedience is charged by God Himself. God’s grace will hold you up. He doesn’t ask anything of us that He doesn’t give us the strength to face. Rely on God and be obedient to His will. One day the fight may not be as intense and you will feel this incredible freedom I feel now (that I never thought was possible before), but always remember that you could fall again. This fact alone should make you hold fast to Jesus all the more. Pride comes before a fall, but the humble man will be lifted up by God himself.

Love.

Love God. Love yourself. Love your wife/girlfriend. Love all of the women and men struggling because of porn. The porn stars, producers. Everyone. Love. You can break free from porn. I never thought I’d be here, which is why porn gripped my heart for over a decade (and many other men face this addiction much, much longer). It’s a tough battle. But it is possible. Fight for love. It’s worth it.

Any other thoughts?

Ashley: Love overcomes all things, but only if we let it. God can heal our marriages, but He can only heal our marriages if we choose to allow Him to. We have to desire it. Both husband and wife. God doesn’t heal every marriage affected by porn, because not every husband wants to change, not every wife wants to forgive. We need to come together in love and choose for God to heal our marriages. And then be willing to do whatever it takes to have Him change our hearts, minds, and marriages so that they are centered on Him, not ourselves. This is not easy. George and I have endured the absolute worst times of our lives and marriages when his addiction to porn was exposed. But his sin brought to light so many other sins that both of us kept hidden in the darkest corners of our hearts. In this light, we will be blinded. It will hurt. But when we stop closing our eyes and allow ourselves to be blinded by God’s light ... we will go blind, it will hurt, and when we go back into the world and look again ... we will see the world and ourselves and our marriages in a whole new way. So ... go blind and get some new eyes. :) Love in ways you never thought possible. A new beginning is yours. You just have to reach for it.

George: God loves you and your marriage. It is His good pleasure to see a marriage come into health and security when He is the center of it. Remember that Christ bore so many afflictions to heal us. If you follow Him, then this work is for you as well. His path is one that isn’t supposed to be problem or difficulty free, but He promised that He would never leave you, and that you would never have more than you can handle. And you can handle very difficult things, when you allow Him to be your strength.

The Holy Spirit is at work to restore your heart and mind as well as your spouse’s. Remind yourself of these good things and you will do well. Both husband and wife must fill their minds with the truths of God, and not allow any room in their minds/hearts for the lies of the enemy. Seek to make only room for Christ Jesus in your interior life. Shun anything that smacks of selfishness, pride, deceit or any other self motivated act or thought. Be truly transformed, by the renewing of your mind.

Keep hope alive, knowing that God delights in reversing the fortunes of mankind. He loves to turn things upside down and make things new. He is our healer. Hope in Him, and never give up working with Him ... He is so faithful.

WIFE’S QUESTIONS

Why does he tell me he’s changed, but then I see him looking at other women in public? How can I believe heís changed if heís still doing that?

Ashley: I always say this: There will be things that your husband will think are not important to your healing, but you may believe they are. If you want him to ground up chicken liver and stick it in his ears to help you heal, he should do it. If it’s important to you, it’s important to your marriage. Of course there are some limitations to this and a wife should be loving and gentle in what she desires her husband to do, never seeking her own desires, but seeking the restoration of her marriage (and her heart and his). And while we can ask our husband’s to do little things for us like be watchful of where they go, etc., it’s a little impossible to expect him never to see other women. However, seeing and looking are two different things. Going, “Oh, there’s an attractive woman. The end,” is a lot different than going, “Ooooooh, look at that.” You know what I mean? If he still sees other women, you can’t distrust that he is changing, but if he’s still looking intentionally, obviously he hasn’t truly changed. Be honest with him. Tell him your feelings. You can’t judge his heart, but you can talk to him about his heart.

George: This can vary from person to person. In one case, he may be telling you the truth according to how he sees it. He may not be changed to the fullest extent of his change, but he may have changed a great deal from where he once was. He may be striving much more to protect himself, even if he does slip and look at other people in public. It doesn’t mean he has the same intent, but if this is the case you should gently remind him, “I trust that you’re not taking these thoughts beyond what you notice in public, but I just want to say that it doesn’t necessarily make me feel comfortable that you still have the tendency to look at other women.” If he is a man headed in the right direction and you treat this with gentleness, he should respond in a decent manner. But if he is very sensitive in this, he may feel caged and respond negatively as though the “watchful eye” is always on him. In another case, he may say he has changed a great deal more than he actually has. So, he could be lying to himself or to others, but you can’t know that for sure, even if you see an action that implies so. Part of this process for both is to build trust -- it takes faithful actions on a man’s part, and a woman has to give trust in order to add confidence to his battle. A woman who doesn’t trust because a man isn’t gaining her trust through faithful actions needs to be honest, show him that she believes that he desires to change, but she isn’t at ease with his current actions. What she sees isn’t lining up to what he is saying (from her perspective), even if he truly believes that it does.

Why do men lie so much throughout this process?

Ashley: The same reason I lied to my parents when I was high and they asked if I was smoking pot. I said I wasn’t to protect myself. I didn’t want to be punished. A lot of men lie because they know the truth hurts. Even when the initial act of betrayal comes out, they may still keep tons of other things they’ve done (or continue to do) out of your mind and heart. Sometimes this can be because they don’t want to hurt you, other times it can purely be out of their own selfishness of wanting to either continue in the act or to keep themselves from being yelled at by their wife. My suggestion to you, as a wife, is to give him no reason to blame you for his lies. If you are always gentle (hurt and not angry) when he confesses something, then if he lies he can’t say it’s because of your reaction, he will have to own up to his issues.

George: That’s a funny question, and I should start off by saying, “Why do they lie so much in the first place?” As mentioned in previous posts, men are turned into cowards when they look at porn. They want to protect. There’s that instinct in there. But it’s used for evil when truth isn’t spoken. It’s another distortion and a lie of the enemy that’s in action. They lie because they’re afraid. To hurt. Of the consequences of the hurt. They don’t want it to be true of them, even if it is. They lie because they don’t want to be exposed. In some cases, depending on the man, maybe he doesn’t really care or doesn’t want to change. He just wants to lie so he can continue on with his life and appease his wife in a false reality. If that’s the case, it’s going to come back and bite him in the end.

He says he’s changed and expects me to change overnight. Why doesn’t he realize how much this hurts me and that it’s not an overnight kind of thing?

Ashley: Men can’t possibly understand the level of pain this causes a woman. I think George saw it once when I collapsed on the floor and cried hysterically for at least three hours. As my body convulsed in pain, I think he saw it. He could only sit there and watch. But he still didn’t understand the searing pain in my chest, literally. The feeling of being ripped apart and thrown in the trash. The idea of my reality being completely shaken and twisted so that I no longer knew what reality was. He didn’t know. He still doesn’t know. I can’t expect him to know and feel my pain, but I do think men need to be understanding and try to put themselves in the shoes of their wives. The more honest we are with our husband’s, sharing with them our deepest insecurities, wounds, and pains, the more they will understand why this is so hard for us. Sometimes it was easier for me to write these things in a journal and share them with George a week later after I had written them. This way I expressed those deep hurts, but didn’t get angry with him when he didn’t understand. Instead, he could read my pain after the emotional storm subsided in my heart.

George: He doesn’t mean that he wants it to change overnight. If he understands a woman in the slightest degree, he knows that she is a fragile creature. If he doesn’t know this, he ought to. What he might be saying more than change “overnight” is change how you’re handling everything. If he is trying and changing, you know, he’s looking for the help of his wife to not be at odds with him all the time, causing him to feel like he’s unable to complete the task or see it coming to a better day. So he may be saying, “Hey, I need your support. I know that you are still hurt, but I really need your help. How you deal with this helps me deal with this better.” Also, he may want to get back to a life where both of you are happy. None of us should want our days to be days of self-pity and woefulness. We should aim for a positive direction in our marriages.

What is lust? He seems to think he’s not lusting when he sees a provocative woman in public, but my instincts tell me he is.

Ashley: Sometimes our instincts are right. Sometimes they aren’t. Sometimes our insecurities rule our “instincts.” And this can drive us nutty. We can start to believe all kinds of things that aren’t true. I remember when George went to work (he worked in a very public setting and saw tons of women every day), I would cry all day long. I imagined him looking at so many women and I knew, just knew, that he was comparing me to them. So when he got home I would question him. What did you see? What color hair did she have? What color eyes? What, you don’t remember? Yes, you do, that’s a lie. Tell me. Tell me everything. You really don’t remember? Well, tomorrow, you better remember or I’m leaving. These are literally things I said to him. I begged him to go to work the next day and come home with details of pretty women he saw so that I could compare myself because my “instincts” told me that he was doing the same thing. He wasn’t. Oh, how I bruised our marriage back then with my insanities. Lust isn’t seeing, it’s what we do when we see.

George: One type of lust (of the flesh) is to actually desire to posses something -- money, fame, women, success, material possessions. Another type of lust (of the eye) is the desire to consume with the eye, to take in other people’s bodies or sexual acts beyond the normal recognition of noticing another person is attractive. Basically, the difference between seeing and taking in. Seeing isn’t necessarily wrong. We all see attractive people and things, it’s what you do with what you see that counts. It’s completely absurd for anyone to expect for their spouse to never see attractive people as long as they live. But to recognize someone as attractive does not mean you are committing a sin. To men, don’t allow yourself to stare at people or intentionally look. It’s a bad habit that needs to go away. Learn to see women differently, as human beings with hearts. Every woman in this entire world is beautiful, regardless of what the world thinks. We need to learn to see in this way.

What can I do to support my husband when I am still hurting and he’s trying to change? What should I not do?

Ashley: Pray for him and with him. Love him. Unconditionally. It’s not easy to support someone who has completely ruined your life (or so you feel at the time). It’s not easy to love him when you feel like he doesn’t love you. And sometimes, your love doesn’t even make a difference. He might just leave you anyway. Sometimes love, real, true, faithful love, blinds people. It’s too much for them. Too beautiful. Too radiant. So they run from it. It exposes the ugly, dark places in their own hearts, so they don’t want to be around real, beautiful love. So, your love may not produce the results you want, but you can’t love him in order to change him. Just love him because you love him, because God loves you and loves him regardless of actions and unfaithfulness. What that love looks like depends on you and your husband and your individual lives. But you can love him, be there for him, be honest, gentle, and also bold. Don’t let him treat you like trash. If he’s looking at other women in public, nudge his arm and tell him you love him, but you miss being the only woman in his life. You can’t change his reactions, but you can change your own actions. When you are hurt by something, respond in love, not anger. Anger is just an ugly mask for pain to wear when pain is too afraid to show its tears. Let the tears roll. Sometimes loving him is simply showing him your unmasked pain.

George: Pray for him, number one. Never stop praying for him, because the world is posing such a threat and a battle for him and it’s not an easy one. Secondly, devote yourself to actively loving him by telling him that you believe he can accomplish this through God. Make known your prayers to him. Do not abandon him. That will not help him, it will hinder him. It will hurt him. Do not badger him or seek to get every answer to every little question, instead be honest and say, “I just want you to know that these thoughts plague me a lot. I don’t feel good when you walk out of the house. I try not to allow these things dictate reality. They may or may not be true, and I have lots of questions I want to ask you, but I’m not sure they are the best to ask. But this is hard for me. I’m trying to trust you, but I’m still so weak. I am fighting so many thoughts and feelings. I want this to work, but it’s not easy for me.” Be honest with him. Tell him your fight, instead of fighting with him. Tell him to confess something that he feels he needs to confess, and that you won’t get angry, but you will be hurt. You may cry, but you won’t make him sleep on the couch. This gives him a safe place to confess his actions.

It’s really hard for me to let him hold my hand again, much less kiss me or make love to me. Is this important to him and his healing? How can I trust him again with intimacy if I canít trust him to be faithful to me? I donít want to make love to him if heís thinking of other women....

Ashley: Toughy. There were times I wanted George to hold my hand and be as far away from me as possible in the same minute. I think we crave that intimacy, naturally, with our husband’s. But we fear it. Oh, how we fear it. We fear what he’s thinking. We fear him thinking about other people. We want to be the only one he thinks about. The only one he sees. The only one he’s making love to. I think it’s good to wait a little bit before we jump back into intimacy. I think both husband and wife should seek to understand true intimacy. They should learn more about what sex really is and how to glorify God in the bedroom. Yep, God should not be absent from the bedroom. When He is ... that’s where the problems come in. Bring God back into the bedroom and intimacy will naturally happen. Don’t force it. Don’t make love to him dishonestly because he is begging you for it. Come to a place where you honestly desire to make love again. You will know when the time is right.

George: None of this is about what one wants or doesn’t want to do. If both husband and wife are determined to do what is right in this case, then we can answer this question with, well, we don’t feel like fighting, but what does love call us to do? In this case, wife, love is calling you to step outside of what is comfortable of you and fulfill the vows of the “better or worse.” You are in the worse part. I’m not sure if anything could be worse for a wife. So fulfill those vows and love your husband. Forgive him daily and express love to him daily. There may be a time where you ought to refrain from intimacy for prayer and fasting, but the two must agree. There is a time during this healing process in the very beginning where a wife needs time to heal, but the longer we keep intimacy at bay, the harder it is to get it back.

I’m doing everything I can to help him, but he’s not changing, he’s getting worse. What am I doing wrong?

Ashley: I don’t know your situation, but I do know this: you could be doing everything wrong and it shouldn’t make a difference to your husband. A true heart change will happen for him regardless of how his wife is acting. George continued to change when I was pretty much pushing him away, wanting a divorce, and being a mean, mean person. He kept going. That’s a true heart change. You can’t change him and you can’t make him worse. He may blame you for his actions, but he’s just not strong enough to admit his weaknesses yet. But he can blame you all he wants, but it’s not your fault. So stop basing his actions of your own. You will feel like a failure if you do so. Just pray for him, stand true to faithfulness, and pray that one day he will see the light.

George: Nothing. It takes two. Sometimes the man isn’t willing to enter the fight, he’d rather fight for himself. He may not desire recovery. This isn’t an excuse to abandon your post, however. Faithfulness isn’t necessarily something that will be reciprocated. If you love and are truly faithful, you will do it without receiving it in return. If you are doing all that you can, continue to and believe and trust in God. If he leaves in this case, then it’s not your fault. Your actions cannot change him, but God can change his heart if he is willing. You can do everything right or wrong, and it shouldn’t affect your husband’s outcome. He should be seeking to change regardless of your actions, that is a true heart change. A wife can help or hinder this change, just like a husband can help or hinder his wife’s healing, but that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be healing and he shouldn’t be changing regardless.

How can I believe that he loves me when he still looks at those commercials, chooses to watch TV even though I don’t want him to, and argues with me about every little thing that I want him to do to make me feel more comfortable? How is that love?

Ashley: I think George’s answer below is good. Some men may think they are loving, when in fact they aren’t really loving. But in a sense, we can’t blame them because they are loving to the only extent they know how. They need to understand love in a fuller sense. To know God’s love for them. When we don’t comprehend how much God loves us, how can we possible love others like He loves us? And that is what we are after here, in our marriages and our relationships, sacrificial love. We should be willing to lay down our lives for each other. That’s what you want from your husband. You want him to regain your trust by getting rid of the TV for a little bit (maybe not forever, just until you are comfortable with it again), but he’s not willing. Pray for him and demonstrate this sacrificial love in your own life so that he can see an example. Maybe he’s never seen an example before. Be that example. But I always say this, too: you can love, you can be faithful, and you can forgive, but if he’s not regaining the trust he’s broken, you cannot trust. Trust comes when he actively regains it.

George: Well, you may be dealing with a man who has a concept of love that is a little off. But maybe, in some slim way, he really does believe that he loves you and really does love you to the fullest extent that he knows how. But that doesn’t excuse him from the fact that he’s not being successful in this relationship. He’s not being a servant. And yet, you have the opportunity as a wife to deeply encounter Christ by suffering and serving in the midst of a situation where you do not feel appreciated and loved. It’s not going to be easy and you may not be successful all the time, but to the glory of God you have the opportunity to be selfless when someone doesn’t love you. That is truly a beautiful person right there. Your husband is still living in lies and deception. He’s not your enemy, even though you feel that way so much throughout this. He’s just acting through the enemy’s lies. He’s wrapped in a ton of chains, so he may truly believe that he is loving, even though there is no sacrificial love happening from his end. He just can’t see it. He’s blind to it. He can restore his “sight” through God when he truly desires to.

How can a man truly change and how do I know when he has?

Ashley: It will be unmistakable. You will see your husband light up. You will see the man you married that beautiful day that you nearly regretted sometimes, except he will be even better than before. Yes, he’ll still make mistakes in one way or another, but you’ll see the light of Jesus in Him. I know some people don’t want to hear that and some people think Jesus is a bunch of baloney, but I don’t believe change exists without Jesus. A man can transform his outward actions all he wants. We can clean the outside of our cups all we want. But a true, inward transformation only happens when we allow Jesus into our hearts and stop hiding from Him. When a man lets go of control and gives his life to God, he will see change and so will you. This area has been kept locked away in the closet of his life for so many years. It’s going to hard to clean out the closet and give the bag of trash to Jesus to toss away. But when your husband does this ... Jesus is going to give him a new bag to carry. It’s so much lighter and so much more beautiful and it has the handwriting of Jesus written all over it. When this burden is lifted ... there will be change, true change, and the outside of the cup will sparkle like it never has before. This, I think, applies for both husband and wife. :)

George: God changes the hearts of men. A man needs to let go. And at the same time stop hanging on to all of his former ways and preconceived notions, let go of all that he’s trying to protect for his own interest, and allow God to do the work of changing his heart in the most profound ways. He has to draw near to God and he can do this by having a true desire for the things of God. There is a difference between reading your Bible and reading your Bible with love and passion. It’s even beyond that. It’s having the right frame of mind, knowing that you are helpless in the midst of this. The poor in spirit that Jesus mentions in the beatitudes means that you recognize your utter dependence of God. You. Cannot. Do. Anything. Without. Him. Once a man recognize this, he is now able to fully submit himself to the rule of God in His life. And that is profound. In all things, God will be glorified. So, you will know that he has changed because you will not be able to miss it. It’s something that time will prove to be true. Over and over his actions will be undeniable through the course of time.

When is divorce okay?

Ashley: I can only imagine what kind of heartbreak you are dealing with now that your husband’s struggle with lust is out in the open. As women, we want to be enough, we want to be loved for who we are. Porn just seems like another arrow in our salty wound. We are not good enough.

At this point, the easy road would be to allow your marriage to deteriorate. It would be easy to walk away from your husband and feel validated because of his adultery. And that’s exactly what the devil wants. But there is another road. A road less traveled.

I’m often asked by hurting women, “When is it okay for me to divorce him?”

My answer is consistent, “When God walks away from you.”

Cling to God and give Him your tears. God can change your husband’s heart, but your husband has to desire that change for it to happen. It’s so possible. Many marriages are restored from places many of us could never imagine living through. Maybe your marriage is one of those unbelievably painful situations.

I’ve seen it happen before. But here’s the thing ... even if your husband doesn’t change, your faithfulness is so, so beautiful. It’s a beautiful example of God’s love no matter what. I have a character in my novel like that. He never took his ring off and his wife did so much to hurt him. They never got back together, but he stayed faithful until he died because that’s what he vowed. His love for her wasn’t contingent on her love for him. I just love that. I love seeing women stay faithful when it hurts. How rare! The world rarely ever sees love with that kind of beauty. And you have an opportunity to take the road less traveled. A road that leads to everlasting beauty.

Hang in there. God is willing to change every heart, but every heart doesn’t want to be changed. Pray for your husband’s desire for God to increase and continue showing Him the faithfulness of God through your own actions.

There may be seasons to separate, and I am not the judge of that, but divorce? I will consider divorce when Jesus divorces me. Marriage is an image of God’s relationship with us, the church. Jesus is the head of the church. We are unfaithful time and time again, but He is always there, waiting for us to come back even when we take off our rings and marry something else.

That’s the kind of love I want to show my husband and this world. A love that is not always easy, but models the King of Kings—the one who loves us no matter how much we don’t deserve His faithfulness.

How do I get over my insecurities? My husband is changing, but Iím drowning in my insecurities. Help!

Ashley: Your insecurities will be a struggle for you for the rest of your life. That’s encouraging, isn’t it? It gets better, but it takes time and changes in your own life. I don’t normally tell the world (through blog land) what I’ve done to get to the place I have because most people think I’m crazy and are turned off by it. But ... I’ll share with you.

In the beginning of our struggle to get through the effects of George’s porn addiction I was intensely insecure. Always comparing myself. When I was given the two people he thought were more beautiful than me (that I begged him to tell me) I literally searched them online every day and compared myself, knowing that the only way I’d ever be good enough to him (physically) was through surgery. I hated that. I hated myself. And I compared myself constantly.

As George changed, his view of beauty changed. He stopped treating women as objects and saw them through pure eyes. I know, now, he would rather have a modest, humble wife who loves God than a wife with the physical qualities his perversions once admired. That helped a tiny bit, but most of the changes in my insecurities happened through my own willingness to stop seeking a sensual kind of beauty.

What did I do? Well, first, I recognized my own pride. I realized that my husband’s porn/lust issues were not the source of my insecurities (only another arrow in the same wound). And I realized that insecurity is just wounded pride. Insecurity is nothing more than my prideful expectations or desires not being met. I wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world to my husband. Literally. I didn’t want him to even think another woman was attractive in any way. I didn’t want to be the standard for his view of beauty, I wanted to be the only beauty to him. It’s impossible, but I wanted it. I didn’t even care about inner beauty at that point. I was purely focused on being outwardly alluring in the ways “the other women” were. Even his appreciation for the beauty of nature bothered me when I was at this point. I truly wanted to be the only physical thing he thought was beautiful.

So ... I got rid of makeup. I knew it was a mask in my life. I knew it was an idol. Something I needed to feel good about myself. I didn’t intend to get rid of it forever, just long enough to no longer need it. But when I stopped wearing it my heart started to change. I realized how beautiful inner beauty is and how fake the beauty of this world is. I wanted more inner beauty. I haven’t worn makeup since. I don’t write much about this on my blog because I don’t want other women to feel they need to do the same thing. I know it’s extreme. But it’s what I, personally, needed to do in my own life to get over this.

But, even with makeup out the window, I still had issues. So, being the extreme person that I am ... I said, “Lord, I don’t want to be focused on outward beauty at all. I want to be beautiful inside and never be noticed or admired for what I look like.” I got rid of my entire wardrobe so that fashion could no longer be something I used to “feel good about myself.” I have one skirt that I wear every single day. I literally wear (mostly) the same thing every day of my life. (Now, I don’t recommend this to anyone. This is just an inside glimpse into the extreme measures I took to get over my own issues. Please, search your own heart and don’t ever feel like you need to follow in my footsteps.)

Do you know how much this has changed me? When I go out I don’t think about other men or women looking at me, because I don’t spend time trying to look like something worth staring at. I don’t stare at other women anymore, wishing I could be like them, because I’m not focused on my outward beauty anymore. I know God made me beautiful. He makes all women beautiful. But I no longer focus on it. We have very few mirrors in our house and one thing I want to do (when time and $$ allows), is make all the mirrors have an image of Jesus on them so that I can only see my reflection by looking through Jesus.

I don’t want to be a woman who spends her life searching for a physical beauty that’s never going to last. I want to enjoy aging and love every gray hair that comes my way. I don’t want to focus on diets and losing weight and fearing what another pregnancy might do to me. Instead, I want to devote my life to others and never be concerned about what I look like. Now, I don’t walk around looking like a homeless person. My hair is brushed, my skirt is beautiful and feminine, and my shirts are not George’s old t-shirts. I dress like a woman—I just happen to dress like a woman who has only one outfit. :) Saves a lot of money too!

So, this has changed me immensely as far as insecurities go. I don’t watch TV or movies. I don’t stare at magazine covers in the grocery store line. I don’t allow tons of images to be put into my head that will make me jealous. So when these things do come into my path, they don’t make me insecure anymore. My battle with insecurities is just as much of a battle as his battle with lust. We will always have temptations to be jealous or lust (both are coveting another woman in some way), but we can choose not to give into those things and we can choose to do things that will prevent those temptations from happening as often.

That’s what I’ve one. As extreme as it is to some ... it works for me. I’ve finally come to a place where I am content to be ME. And I love the freedom in it.

Now, who knows what path you need to take to get to this point. God will lead you. Be willing to let go of your pride in ways you just don’t want to. Humility does not come without a little humiliation. Seek humility and rid your masks. You’ll find great freedom in being less concerned with your outward beauty and more concerned with being beauty in everything you do.

When should we have sex again?

Ashley: When a husband brings porn into the marriage, he brings other women to their marriage bed. It’s stained with the images of other people. Who wants to make love on a stained bed? It has to be cleaned first. Husband and wife, together, need to wash the sheets, not obsess over whether they are clean or not, and trust that the stains have been washed away.

There isn’t a clear method or time to come together again. It’s individual for each couple. The husband has to be willing to truly clean the sheets, not just try to rub it off with some water and move on. Making love is the closest form of intimacy we can have with each other. I don’t think we should just jump right into it without falling in love again, holding hands, kissing passionately, holding each other. I know for some people it’s easier to make love and those things will fall into place, but I think sometimes we force the sex part because we feel pressured to or our husband’s are pressuring us too move on.

Sex isn’t a selfish act. This culture can make us believe that sex is about having an orgasm and being pleasured, but it’s about becoming one with your spouse, enjoying him/her, and pleasuring him/her. Just like marriage. A husband shouldn’t focus on how much his wife loves him, instead he should be loving her as Christ loves the Church. And a wife shouldn’t be focused on how much her husband loves her, she should be loving her husband with a true and selfless love.

But what if you don’t trust him? What if you fear women popping up in your head or even worse, his? What if I feel dirty? What if he tries to make me do things I don’t want to do?

Sometimes our “what if’s” are true, but there are times they aren’t. We don’t really know the heart of a person, but if our husband’s are trying, really trying, to win us back, if we can see his growth, his desire for purity, then who are we to use doubt as an excuse not to make love to him? Yes, he betrayed us and it’s hard to trust. And trust will take time to rebuild on so many different levels of the relationship. But we can’t use his sin as an excuse for our lack of desire to grow and change. Just like a husband can’t use a wife as

It’s hard to give up our insecurities. The insecurities of our beauty and the insecurities of his faithfulness and purity and devotion to us. But insecurities are nothing more than another word for self-centeredness.

I can’t tell a wife when to have sex with her husband again. That’s for her to decide. But I like to ask women this question: Are you holding back from him (when he is changing and proving his devotion to you) for selfish reasons? I don’t ever recommend people to begin making love again when the bed is still stained and the husband is still having an affair with other images. And if he is changing, I don’t recommend making love either. Why?

Because you have to desire it first. I never tell women to jump into a stained bed (or even a clean bed) when they don’t desire it. It’s not about “releasing” him so he doesn’t look at porn. It’s not about trying to fix your marriage. It’s about love. Loving each other. Becoming one. Enjoying intimacy as it was intended—for only you and your spouse.

So ... how do you know when it’s finally time to make love again?

You love. When you love him and desire him enough to give him all of you ... you are ready. And vice versa. But the trick is to not hold on to our insecurities, fears, and doubts, in order to keep intimacy from our marriages. When George and I went through this I refused to make love to him (even after he truly changed), because I wanted to punish him. Other times I feared my thoughts or his. And still there were times I just plain listened to lies or felt too ugly to be that intimate with my husband. But eventually, I asked God to change my heart. To help me love fully, unconditionally, and through the eyes of Jesus, instead of the eyes of deception.

When my heart changed my insecurities lessened, my doubts withered (although they were still there a tiny bit), and I stopped listening to lies. Finally, I desired to make love to my husband. I wanted to be one with him again. And we both knew when it was the right time. It wasn’t forced. Neither of us pressured the other. I didn’t make love to him in hopes that it would keep him from looking at porn again.

We made love because we loved each other. Simple, beautiful, and real.

I can’t say when the right time for you will be. But you’ll know. Pray for a new heart for both man and wife, and your marriage. Get the lies, doubts, stains, and insecurities out of your marriage bed, look at each other with the love you had when you put those rings on your fingers, and express that love to each other with the most beautiful form of intimacy we can share. Sex is beautiful. When pure, it actually glorifies God.

I know you can get to this point again. It’s just going to take some cleaning. :) Spend some time with each other cleaning your hearts, your bed, and your marriage. When you are ready ... you’ll know.

What are some practical ways I can heal?

Ashley: Whether your spouse has decided to put porn behind him or not, there is hope for you. Obviously the healing is much easier (although still takes a lot of time) when your partner is walking beside you, but if he refuses you still need to care for your own heart. And even if he’s decided to change he may fall in the future. So, let’s look at a few ways you can guard your own heart.

Draw Near to God

There is nothing I can say before I tell you to cling to God. For those of you who are reading this and are not Christians, I don’t know if you’re healing can ever be as true as true can be. Without God I wouldn’t be writing this blog, I’d be stuck in the quicksand of this world trying to find a way to breathe. Your relationship with God is the foundation of everything else in your life. If that relationship is on the back burner any relationship on the front burners will end up charred. Make sure the foundation is secure. He will reveal things to you that I can’t on this blog ... vital ways to help your heart heal.

Seek True Beauty

True beauty lasts for eternity -- physical beauty lasts only for a lifetime (sometimes not even that). There have been times (even recently) where I’ve seen a model, magazine ad, or something that caused me to yearn for a change in my physical appearance. The media and this culture will always try to make us feel inadequate so we buy their products and spend money on a lifetime search for physical perfection. But I try not to give into these thoughts. In the past I would linger on them, even give in and buy certain products, but it’s not worth it.

Cut Your Eye Out

George and I are huge advocates of watching what we put into our minds and hearts. For this reason, we don’t own a television and we use pluggedinonline.com to review the content of a movie before we watch it. The more trash you consume, the more trash you’ll see coming out. We do not read celebrity magazines and things of the like, and we watch where we go. We are cautious with our hearts because we know we can easily fall at any time. He can fall into lust (so can I) and I can easily fall into the jealousy trap. By choosing to cut out our eyes and not surround ourselves with so much negativity and false perceptions of beauty, we can both rest and heal ... and stay that way. Nearly every woman who filled out this survey said television commercials, PG-13 and R-rated movies, and magazine covers made them feel insecure. That tells me that I’m not the only one who would benefit from a television fast.

Surround Yourself with Positive Influences

One thing that helps me immensely is when I meet women who are not concerned with their appearance. There is a huge difference between a woman with make-up caked on her face and a woman with little make-up and an open heart. I’m not saying make-up is wrong. per say, but that often we wear a lot of make-up because we are insecure. And insecure people are not at rest, and they don’t help me to stay at rest with myself. When I am surrounded by women who are so in love with Jesus that their inner beauty far outshines their outward beauty it brings my soul to life. It makes me realize what true beauty is and that true beauty is something I want. I want to be an older woman who isn’t afraid to have gray hair -- who shines so bright with the love of Jesus that people can’t help but notice Him when they look at her.

Fall in Love with Truth

The more I focus on God, truth, love, and anything pure ... the more I do not feel trapped by external things. The reason these things (above) are important is because your jealousy and insecurity will make it difficult for you to heal or trust your husband again if he’s decided to put lust behind him. He is responsible for his own heart and actions. He must look to God, cut out his eye, and seek truth ... but that’s not only his job. We need to fall in love with truth as well. We need to ask God to rid our hearts of jealousy, pride, and insecurity, and take any step we possibly can to do so.

Ultimately, we have to be willing to do whatever it takes. Healing doesn’t rest on our husband’s shoulders, it rests on our own. We must be willing to cut out our own eyes and keep ourselves away from the temptation to envy. Finding your validation purely in God is not easy. For me, it’s a daily struggle. It doesn’t end, just like a man’s temptation to lust never goes away. The temptation may eventually become less of a draw, less of an interest, but we will never be truly free of temptation. So, we must always be careful and guard our hearts.

We must be honest with ourselves and allow God to show us our own weaknesses. And we must be willing to allow Him to change our hearts through the external changes we make in our lives.

This is a journey. But there is hope. And there’s healing. Ask God to search your heart and show you your own steps toward true restoration.

Ashley, do you still have insecurities about what George sees when he is in public or on the computer?

Ashley: I can honestly say that I no longer have any insecurities at all. You can learn more about my journey through this in “Beyond the Mirror,” my other book. God has healed me 100% from insecurities and I no longer focus on what I see or what George sees, instead I see people and I love them. I love them more than I love myself. I don’t see their clothes, and I don’t see mine. I just try to love. This was a difficult journey. The most difficult of my life so far, but it was the best journey I’ve ever gone through. I learned so much … and I have found freedom and true joy!

Just look up to Him when you find yourself looking at others too much. And ask Him for the grace and ability to fight lies and stand for truth, even when it feels like your world is shattering. We’ll always be fighting for our beauty. The devil wants us to feel worthless and strive. But God wants us to rest in humility, knowing that life is about more than what we look like.

Keep fighting with me. Lets fight for true beauty. Beauty that doesn’t please the eyes of lust. Beauty that pleases our King. And for those who find us ugly, they don’t know real beauty. For those who find us beautiful ... we will know they are truly loving us for us. And that’s what we want anyway. So let’s stop trying to be someone we aren’t. Stop trying to receive love and attention from others (even our husbands) in impure ways. And instead, lets seek God and humility. In Him we will find the rest from striving that our hearts ache for.

So, please, will you fight with me?

Other Books by Ashley Weis

Exposed: A Novel

Beyond the Mirror

More than Desire

Table of Contents

Resurrection

Copyright

Looking Inward

A Look into the Past

Marriage Vows

Cleaning Out Your Closet

Taking Out the Arrows

Looking Upward

Blessed are the Poor in Spirit, for Theirs is the Kingdom of heaven

Blessed are Those Who Mourn, for They Shall be Comforted

Blessed are the Meek, They Will Inherit the Earth

Blessed are Those Who Hunger and Thirst for Righteousness; for They Shall be Satisfied

Blessed are the Merciful, for They Shall Receive Mercy

Blessed are the Pure in Heart, for They Shall See God

Blessed are the Peacemakers, They Will be Called Children of God

Blessed are Those Who are Persecuted for Righteousness’ sake, for Theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven

Looking Outward

Ten Questions to Ask Yourself

Fruits of the Spirit Application

Five Ways You Help Porn Ruin Your Marriage

One-Hundred Ways to Love Your Spouse

Heart of a Woman Affected by Porn

Heart of a Man Affected By Porn

Questions & Answers

Husband’s Questions

WIFE’S QUESTIONS

Other Books by Ashley Weis

Table of Contents

Resurrection

Copyright

Looking Inward

A Look into the Past

Marriage Vows

Cleaning Out Your Closet

Taking Out the Arrows

Looking Upward

Blessed are the Poor in Spirit, for Theirs is the Kingdom of heaven

Blessed are Those Who Mourn, for They Shall be Comforted

Blessed are the Meek, They Will Inherit the Earth

Blessed are Those Who Hunger and Thirst for Righteousness; for They Shall be Satisfied

Blessed are the Merciful, for They Shall Receive Mercy

Blessed are the Pure in Heart, for They Shall See God

Blessed are the Peacemakers, They Will be Called Children of God

Blessed are Those Who are Persecuted for Righteousness’ sake, for Theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven

Looking Outward

Ten Questions to Ask Yourself

Fruits of the Spirit Application

Five Ways You Help Porn Ruin Your Marriage

One-Hundred Ways to Love Your Spouse

Heart of a Woman Affected by Porn

Heart of a Man Affected By Porn

Questions & Answers

Husband’s Questions

WIFE’S QUESTIONS

Other Books by Ashley Weis