Pastoral Counseling - Watch and Learn

Body Language Skills that will Help You Help Others

Brian Coltharp

Copyright 2012, Just The Other Day

Table of Contents

Identification of Non-verbal Cues

Improving Observation Skills

Using Skills to Improve Therapeutic Relationship

Research into the Importance of the Therapeutic Relationship

Counseling: Closer Relationships Equals Better Outcomes

References

Identification of Non-verbal Cues

We will begin by attempting to identify and define the most generally accepted non-verbal communication behaviors. Although there are many and varied opinions regarding the basic characteristics of non-verbal communication, the most widely agreed upon definitions are that of the Ekman and Friesen. We will not attempt to establish an exhaustive list of behavioral cues, nor can we explore all of the micro and macro gestures that have been identified in current research.

Gestures constitute a subset of body movements that has become a topic of research in its own right, largely because gestures have been recognized as a central feature in human communication (Bavelas 1994) and across cultures (Kendon 1997). Furthermore, anthropological studies suggest that gestures are not merely aspects of communicative acts, but that they are also deep features of cognition (Haviland 1993, Widlok 1997). Microgenetic studies in school science laboratories confirm that some gestures emerge from the manipulation of objects - movements that later reappear as iconic gestures when students are asked to describe and explain what they have done and observed (Roth & Wetzel 2001).1 In this initial statement, we broach the subject suggesting that gestures are more than just arbitrary movements. They are in fact a varied form of communication that routinely transcends the boundaries of conscious thought. With this in mind, we can easily see how beneficial it would be for a counselor to be able to accurately interpret the “words” that are being spoken to him by a counselee who may not be fully aware that he is actively communicating anything at all. It is important to understand from the on-set, that individual gestures are highly misleading if not taken in context. Most non-verbal communication comes in the form of clustered events, and these clusters must be observed as part of a larger context of environmental conditions. Gestures used in a “fit of anger” can not be easily compared to those that are displayed during times of confidence and comfort. However the adverse is sometime true. Counselees who are subjected to the heightened stress of an initial therapy session may unconsciously abandon all inhibitions, and speak clearly to the counselor through their body language words that they could not possible verbalize. Because many people have acquired the skills necessary to either mask their own true feelings or disguise them with more appropriate ones, it then becomes incumbent upon the counselor to recognize the difference between the unfettered communications of an unwitting counselee, and the skillfully contrived responses of a skilled manipulator. With this in mind we will attempt to identify and define the five major classifications of non-verbal communication.

According to Ekman and Friesen gestures and movements can be classified into five basic categories: emblems, illustrators, regulators, affect displays, and adaptors. As we identify and explore the most generally accepted non-verbal communication behaviors, we will follow this classification standard as previously proposed.

The first category we will discuss is Emblems, these are defined as gestures which have a direct verbal translation. They are fully understood by the culture group or subset, they are intentionally performed and consciously presented. Emblems are most likely a culturally learned behavior. One example of an emblem would be “flipping the finger” at someone. This is a good example of an emblem that may have no universal meaning. However, when performed in a culture that does understand it, the message come across loud and clear. It is rarely presented by accident, or as the result of an unintentional expression of an internalized emotion. Emblems are clearly presented with the full expectation of being understood by the receiver. The emblem presenters are fully aware of their actions and fully in control of their movements. The most readily understood emblems are those that are presented during a time of intense emotion or excessive stress. Although some presenters may apologize later and suggest that they either; couldn’t help themselves, or didn’t know what they were doing, the aggregate research clearly indicates that the average person is fully aware of their actions and intended to communicate clearly the perceived meaning behind the emblem presented.

The second category identified by Ekman and Friesen is called Illustrators. In contrast to Emblems, Illustrators are gestures that are closely linked to the spoken word. Unlike emblems, illustrators must accompany the spoken word and they have little meaning without being viewed within in the verbal context from whence it came. Where emblems can easily be identified within their assigned cultural domain, illustrators can only easily be identified within their verbal context. A person swishing his hand up and down in a repetitious vertical manner, might be describing the changing course of a nearby river, or the gentle wave of an American flag flapping in the breeze, or perhaps the physical dimensions of his most recent girlfriend. Only those who are privy to the context of the verbal communication can clearly understand the message transmitted through the non-verbal communication of these illustrators. This will help to underscore the importance of the counselors active listening skills (discussed later in this work), which must not be ignored, but rather improved upon even more to operate in conjunction with the observation of the counselee’s non-verbal communication.

The third category to be discussed is Regulators. These are the non-verbal cues that are used to help us manage our interactive communication behaviors as we navigate conversations. As social creatures we must each learn to take turns in every aspect of life. Primarily these turn-taking skills become necessary as we share information and query others for further data. During a typical conversation, the two communicators must share their time as the presenter. To ensure a smooth transition from one speaker to the next, we learn behaviors that clearly communicate our desire to take the lead, relinquish control, or continue as the speaker or listener. Speakers and listeners make available to each other resources (body movements, gestures) that allow coordination of speech in particular and of the entire inter-action more generally. Consequently, body movements and gestures allow inter-acting individuals to coordinate their expectations, and thereby to develop and maintain the smooth running of the encounter. 2

A simple gesture like raising the chin while maintaining strong eye contact may indicate the presenters desire to take the lead and begin speaking, other non-verbal cues like avoiding eye contact and aggressive posturing may clearly be understood as the actions of one who wishes to maintain his position as the lead speaker in the conversation for the time being. As we subtly communicate our desired role in a given conversation, we make the transitions from speaker to listener smoother and more refined. By utilizing regulators appropriately and consistently, we open the door to a more interactive exchange of information in any given context. Counselors who effectively use regulators are thought of as “easy to talk to”, or “great conversationalists”. A counselor who struggles with the use of regulators may find it more difficult to “keep the conversation going”. He may find his conversations riddled with awkward pauses, half-finished sentences, and pressured speech patterns.

The next category of gestures and movements is Affect Displays. These can best be described as those facial expressions and postures which express the emotional state of the presenter. These movements are less likely to be conscious because they are closely connected to the psycho physiological reflexes of the autonomic nervous system. Some people cringe when experiencing an emotional strain, or their hands may tremble when they experience an intense amount of fear. Although these actions can be mimicked consciously and “faked” in order to fulfill ulterior motives, they are usually presented my most people as genuine expression of the underlying emotions that they represent. When interpreted correctly and presented authentically, these displays will be the most useful of all non-verbal cues to assist the counselor in interacting with the counselee and developing genuine rapport. One non-verbal theorist implies that the study of facial expressions is the study of “emotion itself”. What this really suggests is that our emotional feelings and the facial expressions of those feelings are so closely connected to one another as to be inseparable. While we believe that expressions and emotions are not totally linked, we do feel that human beings can find a plethora of of cues on the faces of their fellow interactants that provide accurate and rich information about feelings toward self, toward others, and probably 3 toward life in general.

Adaptors are the last category identified by Ekman and Friesen. They are highly uncontrollable actions that are commonly accepted as vestigial. The best anecdote that I have found to describe the vestigial nature of adaptors, is the story of a young bride who prepared her first full meal as a married woman. As she began to move the small roast into the large cooking pan, she cut both ends off the slab of meat and placed them on top of the roast. As her husband observed her actions, he inquired as to why she cut the ends off. “Was it to allow the meet to cook faster, or perhaps to allow the liquid to penetrate deeper?” The young wife simply said “I don’t know, that’s just how my mom taught me”. After consulting her mother, she soon discovered that her was the same, “that’s just how my mom taught me”. Soon they were both discussing the issue with Grandma, who explained that when she was a newlywed, it was during the great depression, everything was scarce, cooking pans were hard to come by, and for years she had only one small pan to the cook the roast in. If she didn’t cut the ends off, the roast wouldn’t fit into the small pan. Later on in life, when times were better she bought a bigger roasting pan, but she never got out of the habit of cutting off the ends. Adaptors are much like the unconscious habit of cutting the ends off the roast. The purpose that it once served has long been lost, but the actions remain through unconscious repetition. Adaptors serve to alleviate stress by engaging in coping skills that were acquired during our formative years. Biting your nails may be a long lost relative to the thumb sucking that was used to meet a specific physical need as an infant. Bouncing your knees may be a left-over self defense mechanism that was once an all out kicking and screaming response. Adaptors are sometime the out-cropping of socially unacceptable behaviors that were acquired in our youth. A young child who is scolded for picking his nose may grow up into the form of a business man who thoughtfully lays his finger beside his nose in a board meeting, or quizzically strokes his moustache as he contemplates a risky business proposal. He has learned to perform the same repetitive actions that brought comfort to him as a child, but with a slight modification to avoid the negative feed back associated with the previously undesirable behavior. Adaptors can be easily identified when an individual asks himself the simple question “what was the purpose of that movement?”. If he can objectively state that his nose did not itch, or his beard did not require grooming, then he can more likely identify those gestures as adaptors.

Now that we have briefly summarized the five basic categories of movement and gestures generally identified as kinesics, we need to place them in the greater context of proxemics to further understand the way we react to and manipulate space to better accentuate the non-verbal behavior that we use to communicate with those around us. Proxemics is the interrelated observations and theories of man’s use of space as a specialized elaboration of culture. 4 Proxemics can be used as a tool to develop initial rapport with a counselee. If applied properly, our use of space will communicate our intended level of open, non-aggressive, non-judgmental, approach to the counselee. In all seating scenarios, the practitioner should always sit squarely to the patient so as to be in a position to clearly observe all aspects of the patient’s communication. It is helpful if the practitioner adopts an open posture so as to ‘physically embody’ receptiveness to what the patient is saying. If the practitioner leans toward the patient slightly, it can again ‘physically embody’ interest. Reasonable eye contact is an important tool to convey that the practitioner is listening and understanding the patient. 5 In former years the couch may have been used as a medical instrument to place the counselee in a position where they could be openly observed by the counselor who typically sat at the head of the couch, behind and outside the visible range of the counselee. In this position, the counselor could be a objectively observe all aspects of the counselee’s movements without the risk of unintentionally displaying any of their own emotions. It may be more useful to place yourself in a fully interactive posture, which will greatly improve the receptivity of the non-verbal communications, which are displayed with a purposeful intent, rather than by mistake as in earlier years. Other considerations when using proxemics is the importance of recognizing personal space. Although standards can greatly differ from person to person and culture to culture, personal space or “the intimate zone”, can typically be defined as the area surrounding a person’s body from zero to eighteen inches in all directions. When we begin to understand that the invasion of one’s personal space is the emotion equivalent to a physical attack on their body, it becomes imperative that we constantly take notice of the comfort zone of the counselee during the initial encounters to avoid placing them in greater discomfort, than that which is already necessary.

With all this as a solid premise, let’s look at some of the specific gestures and their most commonly accepted interpretations:

Interpreting Body Language from the Ground Up.

Feet

Feet: Your feet are the foundation of your frame, the grounding point of your thoughts and actions. As such, the language of your feet represents the voice of your moral and ethical self.

Standing or sitting with your feet square and firm on the floor, portrays a sense of confidence, fidelity and surety. The farther your feet are spread apart (within reason), the stronger your foundation and the deeper your beliefs. When you transition from one subject to another during a given session you will naturally move your feet farther apart or closer together based on your interest, confidence, and beliefs about the current subject.

One fun and interesting activity I use to prove this point involves sitting comfortably in front of a television with your feet, heels and knees together. Turn on the Television and randomly choose a channel. Do not pre-filter the channel or show based on preference or interest, just push a couple buttons on the remote and begin watching whatever comes on the screen. Continue watching the show until the next scheduled commercial, then look down and observe the position of your feet and ankles. The position of your feet, ankle, and knees will give you a clear indication of how truly interested or confident you feel about the subject matter of the show. In many cases you may not be interested in the material, but your strong foundation may indicate a very strong opinion or deep moral belief in the subject. In some cases you may even find yourself leaning forward with your feet set in the fighter’s stance under you (shoulder width apart with one foot slightly ahead of the other), this expresses your intense hatred or fear of the subject matter at hand. So strong are your feelings in fact, that you are ready to fight for your beliefs or fight off the possibility of accepting an alternate opinion or belief system as represented by the show you’ve been watching.

Propping up on one foot (except when crossing your legs), clearly indicates instability and a lack of confidence in the current topic or situation. Try to Imagine a bottle of water balanced upside-down, standing precariously in the middle of a large table. How easy would it be to move the bottle? A gentle nudge in any direction will cause it to fall headlong in the desired direction. This is the obvious impression, when prop up on one foot. It’s as if you are saying to others “I will fall for anything you have to say”.

Shifting your stance from one foot to the other is a strong indicator of wavering opinions, indecisive ideas, and possible deception. Shifty feet (like shifty eyes) have been historically associated with deception, secrecy, and devious motives. This opinion is partially based on a psycho-physiological reaction involving the two hemispheres of the brain and their interaction with the right and left sides of your musculoskeletal system. Often times an individual will shift between an intellectual/logical thought process to a philosophical/emotional process (and back again), as they try to systematically work there way through a new or unexpectedly intense situation. You will be able to follow their shifting mental processes, through the shifting of their feet.

Ankles

Locking your ankles often indicates a sense of stubborn resolution. A person who locks their ankles often finds themselves in an uncomfortable situation which is unavoidable for some reason. They perceive that they are on display both physically and emotionally and they are fully aware of the fact that they are expected to be open, conciliatory, and relaxed. Despite their underlying desire to be defensive, uncompromising, and closed off, they are compelled to at least appear to be open and accepting. The ankles are locked and many times folded under the chair, as if they are somehow hiding their true feelings from view.

Legs

Crossed legs are typically a sign of defensiveness or closed-off opinions/feelings. This is becoming less and less of a clear-cut indicator as the position becomes more of a common place position for comfortable seating. More and more people are using Tablets, Smart-Phones, and E-book Readers nowadays and as such they are becoming more and more comfortable with propping up their devices on their crossed leg for support. As a result of this, we are finding that a large number of people are sitting crossed-legged more often out of habit than due to a subconscious expression of a defensive attitude. That being said; the crossed leg, combined with an ankle grab, is probably one of the clearest signs of a defensive, closed-off, opinionated, and defiant attitude.

Hips

Hip movement is often more of an indication of a person’s romantic or sexual expression, than it is of their particular attitude or emotion regarding a current subject. It’s a matter of simple attraction. If you are interested in someone, you will square-up to them with your hips parallel to theirs. The more interested you are the more you will try to approach them and thrust your genital area towards them. This stance is often accomplished in public areas by leaning back from the waist up, exposing yourself to the other party. In like manner; if you are not interested in the other party, you may lean forward slightly. This action is made in an attempt to conceal or distance your genitals from the other party. This action often has the added benefit of presenting you as appropriately open and receptive to them (from the waist up at least), while effectively disguising your apparent repulsion.

Abdomen

Abdominal movement is, in like manner, an indication of a person’s romantic interest. Unlike hip movement; however, if you are interested in someone, you will “suck in” your stomach, effectively exposing your genitals and inflating your chest to present yourself as a more appealing mate. This activity is one of the most widely used and obvious expressions of romantic intent. Oddly enough both males and females adamantly refuse present the opposite gesture, (distending their abdomen), in response to a disinteresting party.

Hands/Fingers

The interpretation of hand movement has met with such wide speculation and variation of acceptable standards that it would be difficult for anyone to give an in-depth analysis of the subject. However; I will endeavor to touch upon the most widely recognized and accepted definitions in general terms, with the understanding that even these observations are controversial at best.

From the oldest of times an empty, exposed palm has been the sign of openness and acceptance. It was a simple means of expressing as plainly as possible “I am unarmed, I come in peace, I will not hurt you, Let’s be friends”. It has evolved from one era to the next into: the military salute, the wave hello, and even the upraised hand that casts an affirmative vote. In like manner; the closed hand, the hidden palm, hands in pockets, hands behind the back, hands behind the head, and clenched fists, all express some level of concealment, deceit, resistance, and even rage. Always be wary of the person who hides their hands when they talk.

Interlocking fingers has often been cited as a sign of concealment and/or defensiveness. However; I believe the more practical scenario often indicates a sense of contentment or intellectual acceptance and understanding of the subject matter, as the interlaced fingers express a sense of complete agreement with one another. The fingers “fit together like a glove”, as an outward manifestation of how the person’s personal thoughts/opinions naturally mesh with those he is interacting with.

Steepled fingers are a sign of confidence, superiority, and dominance on many levels. As with all these attributes however, you must be careful to evaluate them based on the context in which they are displayed. Many times during a board room debate, the person who feels they are beginning to lose, will steeple their fingers on the table in front of them, as a defense mechanism to avoid the appearance of public humiliation. The novice observer may assume that the “steepler” is blissfully unaware of his impending failure, and may attempt to intervene, when in fact, the opposite is true. The “steepler” is acutely aware of his spiraling decent and will not typically respond well to any support or consolation from other witnesses.

Pointed fingers are a clear sign of authority and often express a sense of domination that transcends any moderate level of personal recognition. The person pointing their finger has an internal compulsion to set things right and feels they have a moral obligation and inherent right to demand whatever it is they are expressing. A slightly downward pointing finger indicates a level of condescension along with the personal right to get what they want. There is another variation to this gesture that goes far beyond inherent rights, dominance, and condescension. The gesture involves pointing both the index and middle finger, in a slightly upward angle, while folding the other two fingers into the palm. This gesture implies a sense of authority bordering on the divine.

Clenched fists or curled fingers (the milder version), both indicate tension, anger, and frustration. The tighter they are clenched and the lower they held the closer you are to see an explosion. If you ever see a person standing with their arms straight down to their sides, with their elbows locked and their fists clenched: you should stand for enough away to avoid being hit. This is the look of a person who is just about to lose all sense of self control.

Arms

Crossed arms are another easily identifiable gesture that suggests defensiveness and stubborn resilience. Crossed arms, combined with the upper-arm hand grasp is especially effective at communicating a high level of obstinacy. Most other arm gestures that involve barriers between you and the people around you, suggest that you are nervous or defensive. The tighter, higher, and stronger the barrier, the more insecure and defensive you are. If you cross your arms loosely and cup your forearms at the waist level, it indicates that you are a little bit concerned about the situation but moderately comfortable. If you are crossing your arms high on your chest and clamping your hands under your arms, you are probably on the verge of aggression due to your high level of defensive resilience. Crossing one arm over your chest and grabbing the opposite arm loosely is often a sign of nervousness, but can also be a natural stance for most women who use it as a way of shielding their breast from unfamiliar males.

Head

Head movements in general are pretty easy to analyze. If your head is tilted back (with your nose in the air) it indicated, superiority and condescension. When your head is tilted down, it shows a sense of submission and servitude. If your head is slightly tilted to one side or the other you are on reasonable equal terms the person you are attending, and it conveys a sense of interest and attraction to the subject matter at hand. A bobbing head is often seen as acquiescence and it is often used to placate someone who you are trying to build an alliance with.

Eyes

“Your eyes are the windows to your soul”. I will touch on only a few eye movements, as most of what you see can be interpreted very intuitively. There are easily hundreds of gestures and micro-gestures made by the eyes that have just as many different meanings as there are situations to watch them in; however I will endeavor to describe the most obvious.

Let’s begin with a review of the left and right hemispheres of your brain. The two hemispheres work together so closely with the movements of the eye, that it is difficult for most people to consciously separate the thoughts and actions in this respect. As you may remember from your High-School Psychology class, your brain is separated into two hemispheres. The Left side lives in the world of Logic (analytical, strategic, etc...), and the Right side lives in the world of Emotions (memories, artistic, spontaneity, etc…). Now, you may also remember that the Left side of the brain controls the Right side of the body and Right control the Left. With this in mind, we should be able to interpret your thought processes based on your Right/Left side body movements. If I ask you a memory based question like, “When is your birthday”, I would expect you to access the memory functions in the Right side of your brain and glance to the Left as a natural reflex (if you are answering honestly). If you glance to the Right as you answer the question, it indicates that you are accessing the Logical, Strategic, Analytical side of your brain, as you quickly process the lie. This glance to the Right is often much more pronounced and obvious even for the skilled liar, because the liar must strategically process several issues before concluding which answer has best chance of being believed. Despite all the hype and fluff that surrounds the modern day phenomenon of becoming “The Human Lie Detector”, all the books, videos, seminars and courses, can be distilled into this one statement. “A LIAR LIES TO THE RIGHT”. This is the Golden Rule. As an investigator I would interview people in my office. I would set them down in a chair that was located near the center of the room. On the wall to the Left (as you were sitting in the chair), I hung Posters, A large bulletin board with picture pinned to it, a small table with a coffee pot brewing, there was a shelf full of trinkets and a window with a view. The wall to the Right of the chair was blank, nothing to look at, and nothing of interest. When I asked a liar to answer a question, they would invariably glance to their Right, at the dull, blank wall.

It would behoove me to mention at this point that none of this is an exact science and that you should endeavor to learn body language the way you would any language. It is an on-going process, fraught with many contradictions. Everything has to be considered within the confines of the context with which it is presented, and there are no clear one to one translations. I will end this section with a simple example of how easy it is to misinterpret body language by making the mistake that every movement has only one clear translation and response.

I took a simple English statement that is easily understood, and put it into Google Translate, a simple web-based word-for-word English-Spanish translator. Then I took the Spanish response that it produced and put it back into the Spanish-English translator to see what the word-for-word results would be. “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.” The word-for-word Spanish translation converted the sentence into: “La cigüeña tocaba el saxofón detrás del palenque de paja”. When I placed that sentence back into the word-for-word Spanish to English translator the result was: “The stork played the saxophone behind the lazy dog”.

This should give you a very vivid example of what it is like to read body language without considering all of the context, all of the clusters, and all of the other information that should already have about your client, before the session begins.

Improving Observation Skills

As we now explore the importance of improving the observation skills of the counselor, we need to be willing to accept the fact that our knowledge and abilities are of less consequence at this juncture than our ability to play well with others. The old adage is true. “People don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care”. Our intention in this section is to impress upon the reader the importance of paying attention to everything that the counselee communicates to counselor, not just what they say. If you only listen with your ears you will miss out on fully 70 percent of the message being transmitted to you by the counselee. The rapport that is built through active listening becomes the basis of the healing relationship that will carry the counselee through the process of recovery. The counselor must genuinely present themselves as a person of caring. According to a recent study, every client interviewed illustrated how personality characteristics of their counselor were important to the establishment of a therapeutic relationship. The 'counselor characteristics' most often described by the participants as essential to building a therapeutic relationship were: understanding; unbiased; friendly; trustworthy; gentle; soft-spoken; nonjudgmental; caring; open; and supportive. Other counselor attributes that participants frequently reported as beneficial include: a willingness to disclose personal information; calmness; a soothing tone of voice; and neutrality. The characteristics described by participants in this study are similar to those outlined in the counseling psychology literature. 6 It would appear as if the counselor’s ability to observe and accurately interpret a counselee’s behavior would be of the utmost importance, yet the training and honing of these skill-sets occupies a surprisingly small ratio of the time and talents required to obtain a practicing license in most states. Sadly, it seems that most young counselors leave school with most of the knowledge and none of the skills necessary to make it in their new found career field. Often-times they are told “you will learn that, as you go along”. Many counselors find the answers to their counselee’s problems “staring them right in the face”, but without the ability to focus their observation skills on anything beyond the basic parameters of the DSM-IV diagnostic criteria, these same counselors will find themselves treating counselees far longer that they needed to. The novice counselor may blandly and mechanically, scroll down the pages of the in-depth intake packet, blindly asking question after personal question, never lifting his gaze from the confines of his clip-board. In doing so, he misses the vast array of gestures and body movements that are continuously being displayed before him.

The counselor can also gain “valuable insight into the interviewee’s personal preference by paying close attention to the interviewee’s eye movements”. According to Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), eye movements, referred to as “eye-accessing cues,” reflect the manner in which an individual processes data. Therefore, the eyes move in specified directions, depending upon the person’s preferred mode of thinking. The founders of NLP concluded that eye movements reflect whether the person has a visual preference (thinks in terms of pictures), an auditory preference (“hears” sounds), or a kinesthetic preference (feels or experiences emotion) to process information. 7

After reviewing the preceding information, it may seem to be an easy task to simply practice the basic “friendly gestures” previously described and get by with a half hearted attempt to present yourself as a caring, calm, nurturing individual as you continue all the while, maintaining that healthy emotional distance necessary to be truly an objective participant in the doctor patient relationship. What you may soon discover is that the observance of micro and macro gestures, combined with the environmental and emotional variables, produced and identified by the individual on the verge of their first therapeutic catharsis may be far to advanced to manipulate or control In addition, the ability of the counselee to develop opinions and redefine split-second reactions, may be a task that is far to complex to easily coordinate during the early sessions. During the initial encounter counselees often ..segment and organize the inter-actional stream and others' behavior into meaningful units and relations among these units. Such constructions, however, are taken to be intimately connected to the physically and experientially defined spatiotemporal, interpersonal, and cultural matrix constituting the context of the communicative event. Moreover, the effective and flexible management of the communicative event requires that such cognitive interpretations be integrated with behavioral controls over the nonverbal, linguistic, and strategic resources for communication. 8 It is not enough to simply try to appear to care, the counselee must actively observe the current state of the counselee and engage them in a meaningful communicative manner that can be received by the counselee.

This interactive process has been highly contested in the past, and even today a vast majority of counselors play the role of the stoic observer who is careful not to interact with the counselee on a personal level. Young counselors are encouraged to “sanitize” their offices, in hopes that they will not “give away” too many clues about their personal lives. This is a safe practice for the counselor but it does nothing to improve the counselee’s chances of developing a healing relationship. Despite the historic censure of this concept, some evidence indicates that the reciprocal nature of self-disclosure can be used to draw-out a counselee who may otherwise be unwilling to accept the risks that are commonly associated with openly discussing private matters with a stranger who has nothing to lose. The reciprocity of self-disclosure can help to quickly bring down the imaginary walls of security that are erected during years of failed attempts to share with family and friends. Often the counselee has reached out to their social support network in the past with unsatisfactory results, and as a result they are no longer easily swayed to share. The Reciprocity of self disclosure is defined conceptually as mutual contingency of self-disclosure. A’s self-disclosure to B elicits B’s self-disclosure to A, and vice versa. A review of the [available] literature provided evidence that the reported self-disclosure of members of familial and social relationships is related, that the observed self-disclosure of strangers interacting in dyads and small groups is related, that an experimenter’s or confederate’s self-disclosure has a positive effect on a subject’s reported willingness or intent to self-disclose, and that an experimenter’s or confederate’s self-disclosure has a positive effect on a subject’s observed self-disclosure. These findings have been interpreted by some as evidence of the reciprocity of self-disclosure. 9

Using Skills to Improve Therapeutic Relationship

We will now attempt to explain briefly how the counselor can use their knowledge of the non-verbal cues to better communicate with the client thus strengthening the therapeutic relationship. First we must understand the paradoxical nature of the therapeutic relationship which essentially sabotages any initial attempts at building rapport. The [therapeutic] relationship is defined as compulsory in a voluntary framework, as in private practice. That is, the patient is told that he seeks help of his own free will and success depends on his cooperation despite difficulties. Within this voluntary frame the conditions are compulsory whereby the patient must pay, must not miss his appointments, and must not arbitrarily end treatment which he is advised ahead of time would constitute resistance, The reverse is true in compulsory settings as with forcefully hospitalized psychotics where within the compulsory frame the therapist tends to insist that the patient really wants treatment, only he does not know it. In other words, "whichever way the framework of the relationship is initially defined, within that framework it is defined as the opposite". 10 With this in mind, we can see that the counselee may approach the initial session, where rapport is quickly established or rejected, with presuppositions that may hinder the counselor’s ability to naturally gain trust. Despite this roadblock, we find that most people, despite the paradoxical nature of the encounter, follow the tenants of Neuro-Linguistic Programming. Most people have an innate desire to communicate their experiences in an organized manner. Neuro-Linguistic Programming embraces three simple concepts. First, the neuro part of NLP recognizes the fundamental idea that all human behavior originates from neurological processes, which include seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, and feeling. In essence, people experience the world through their senses. Second, they communicate their experiences verbally, through language; therefore, the linguistic part of NLP refers to this use of language to communicate thoughts. Finally, the programming aspect of NLP recognizes that individuals choose to organize their ideas and actions to produce results. Each person also decides how to organize these ideas in a specific manner. 11

Listening refers to more than simply hearing what the patient says. The practitioner must be aware of three aspects; linguistic, paralinguistic & non-verbal. The linguistic aspect refers to what the patient says and the ways in which they choose to express it. Paralinguistic refers to the aspects of speech such as timing, volume and fluency. Non-verbal aspects mainly refer to the patient’s body language and facial expressions that occur during the dialogue. The three aspects will not necessarily support each other and can relay information to the practitioner that the patient may be unaware of. However, it is very important for the practitioner not to jump to conclusions as to the meaning of specific aspects. Instead they should be used as a way of directing the practitioners questioning in a direction that may not have been taken. 12

People use their senses outwardly to perceive the world and inwardly to “re-present” this experience to themselves. In NLP, representational systems denote ways people take in, store, and code information in their minds. These systems pertain to the principal human senses—seeing (visual), hearing (auditory), and feeling (kinesthetic). To a lesser degree, they involve tasting (gustatory) and smelling (olfactory). People constantly see, hear, and feel whatever transpires around them. When individuals relate these experiences to others, they mentally access the sights, sounds, or feelings associated with these experiences and communicate them through their predominant representational system. 13 Counselors must keep these processes in mind when they begin to communicate with the counselee at the on-set of treatment. Clearly understanding the way that people perceive the world around them will help the counselee approach the sessions in the most productive manner. A counselor who throws caution to the wind and tries to “wing-it”, may find himself as the recipient of a long list of one-session clients. The counselor who is unwilling or unable to recognize the patterns associated with the specific ways their counselee receives, perceives, and relates information, is a counselor who will work much harder than he needs to, when trying to develop a therapeutic bond. A counselee who is visually inclined is one who filters many of their perceptions through a visual context. This person may “see” what you mean, and “clearly” understand what you are saying to them. One of the best ways to bond with a visually inclined person is to mirror their preferences. Choosing the right words will help build therapeutic rapport and cement the initial interaction. Asking this person to “categorically define their expectations of the recovery process”, may derive dismal results, but if you ask the same visually inclined person to “paint me a picture of how you see yourself at the end of our sessions” you should expect to make larger strides in the therapeutic relationship.

This concept of “matching” or “mirroring” is not new and is not a parlor trick, it may be subtle, but it is very effective. The mirroring effect in the previous examples was used to match the process in which counselees receive, process, and store information, but it can also be used in the realm of non-verbal communications as well. Some medical hypnotists use the concept of “matching” with highly resistant clients. By simply conforming their nonverbal behavior to that of each client, by using language from the client’s preferred representational system (visual, auditory, or kinesthetic), and by matching the client’s volume, tone, and rate of speech (paralanguage), they often can overcome the client’s reluctance to communicate.   When interviewers intentionally align themselves with a witness or suspect through these matching or mirroring techniques, the interviewee is more inclined to respond to the interviewer and subsequently provide information. As one researcher points out, “people like people who are like themselves.” Once interviewers establish rapport, barriers disappear, trust grows, and an exchange of information follows. To achieve these results, interviewers should match or “mirror” the interviewee’s kinesics, language, and paralanguage.14

These techniques have been highly effective for many years in the world of law-enforcement, as officers have used them to quickly build a sense of rapport and trust with suspects and witnesses who posses information that is not easily accessible to third party inquiries. The origins and expectations may be different but the circumstances are very similar to that of the paradoxical therapeutic session. In the law-enforcement interview, the interviewee is expected to openly disclose all aspects of a particular event to the officer, seemingly without hesitation or trepidation, despite the obvious implication that someone (either the interviewee or another), will be seriously effected by the information that is be divulged. In like manner, the new counselee is expected to disclose information to the newly adopted counselor, which places them in a very precarious situation that does not lend itself to security or veracity. By using some of the techniques listed above the counselor can subtly improve his chances of building rapport, thus improving the possibility of a greater free-flow of information. "Once interviewers establish rapport, barriers disappear, trust grows, and an exchange of information follows." 15

It is incumbent upon the counselors to present themselves in a way that matches the expectations or presuppositions of the counselee. Clients invest in psychotherapy as a construct that will deliver relief from their problems. To attain this relief, they expect to be conversing about their problems with an expert therapist trained to help them solve their problems. They also expect to be judged by this expert. This judgment includes assessment of normality and adequate behavior. The process of therapy is itself mystical and can only be understood after years of intensive training and experience (Guterman, 1996).16 Psychotherapy then is a reciprocal process between client and therapist in which certain new meanings are generated. This process must be initiated by the counselee and requires a certain level of “buy-in” to get the ball rolling. But the counselor should be responsible for preparing the best environment for growing the relationship. Certain aspects of the initial interaction can be manipulated to the advantage of the counselor’s goals for establishing a quick bond and healthy therapeutic relationship. Counselors who posses and appropriately display certain behaviors, are much more likely to bond with their counselees according to many researchers. Once the bond is established, it is also the counselor’s responsibility to maintain that bond. Kahn (1996) broadens the list of therapist behaviors useful in keeping the relationship in good condition. He lists the ability to be respectful, genuine, non-defensive, non-judgmental, spontaneously interact, awareness of subjectivity and empathetic understanding as important therapist variables in the relationship. 17 Because the counseling relationship is so vital to success of treatment, it becomes all the more important that the counselor present himself in such a way that he meets the expectations of the counselee, and changes accordingly to as the counselee’s expectation changes.

Evidence suggests that the relationship itself is not just an important variable, but it’s importance may exceed that of even the particular psychoanalytical technique employed by the counselor and it may also overshadow many of the barriers to treatment identified at the on-set of the initial session. So much so, that Placebo treatments have proved to be up to seventy percent effective when three important factors were present: i) the patient believed in the method, ii) the practitioner believed in the method, iii) the patient and practitioner believed in each other (i.e. strength of their relationship). This shows that a strong therapeutic relationship has an enormous effect on the patients perceived ability to recover and must be seen as an indispensable tool for any healthcare professional interested in helping those in need. 18

Research into the Importance of the Therapeutic Relationship

We now attempt to discuss the current research that suggests the most important variable in the therapeutic equation is the strength of the counselor /counselee relationship. We suggest that the emotional context of care is especially related to nonverbal communication and that emotion-related communication skills, including sending and receiving nonverbal messages and emotional self-awareness, are critical elements of high-quality care. Although nonverbal behavior has received far less study than other care processes, the current review argues that it holds significance for the therapeutic relationship and influences important outcomes including satisfaction, adherence, and clinical outcomes of care. 19 If a counselor finds himself inundated by counselees who fail to fully engage, fail to adhere to treatment, fail to complete homework assignments and fail to significantly progress towards their treatment goals, he may be surprised to discover that a weak therapeutic relationship is at the core, and

the failure is more his than theirs. Even the most unresponsive counselee may rise to

meet the standard placed before them, when asked to do so by a counselor, who has taken the time foster a strong therapeutic relationship with them. “Patients themselves value therapeutic relationships which offer respect, trust and care and it seems that such relationships may in themselves prove to be healing in the broadest sense. The increased level of trust between patient and practitioner will also aid treatment by making the patient more willing to follow the practitioners advice and treatment strategy. Therefore, if a practitioner really desires to help his patients, he must become adept in the skills required to forge and maintain a strong therapeutic relationship. 20

Beyond the research vested in expounding upon the virtues of building the therapeutic relationship, we also find that a significant amount of research has been conducted on facial expressions and other non-verbal cues. Recognition of facial expressions has traditionally been investigated by presenting facial expressions without any context information. However, we rarely encounter an isolated facial expression; usually, we perceive a person’s facial reaction as part of the surrounding context. A significant interaction was found between facial expressions and the emotional content of the scenes, showing a response advantage for facial expressions accompanied by congruent scenes. The results show that the surrounding scene is an important factor in recognizing facial expressions. 21 This again emphasizes the importance of identifying individual gestures or expressions in the context of their greater environment. Selected non-verbal communications, autonomous from their settings, are of little value and at times, may be counter-productive to the treatment goals at hand.

Time and time again the research bares out the quality of the therapeutic relationship is the quintessential factor in determining quality outcomes. According to one research initiative, “All participants in this study indicated that they had a relationship with their counselor and that this relationship was imperative in his or her ability to make changes in counseling”. This finding is consistent with evidence in the counseling psychology literature, which indicates that the therapeutic relationship is the most significant factor in facilitating counseling outcome. 22

As we continue to discuss the research regarding the importance of the therapeutic relationship, we must not overlook the road-blocks that lie in the way of continued research into the non-verbal communication, which help to build and maintain that relationship. One of the first decisions confronting nonverbal researchers is what unit of measurement to use. Faced with a bewildering array of macroscopic, microscopic, or intermediate measures from which to choose, many opt to use what is familiar or easy to collect. The result is that many measurement decisions in the nonverbal arena are governed more by happenstance, history, or cost than by traditional measurement criteria. 23 If we wish to see the research in this area develop beyond the strictly mechanical processes of the graduate student, we must first be willing to identify its

importance in reaching over-all treatment goals. Until we do, we will never employ enough man hours to provide an acceptable product. The research will continue to be less than accurate, and as a result it may never be globally accepted, and may never be used to effect real change in the lives of the counselee.

Counseling: Closer Relationships Equals Better Outcomes

We will now attempt to draw the conclusion that the sooner the counselor can navigate through the jungle of non-verbal mis-communication, the sooner and stronger the therapeutic relationship can develop beyond basic "mechanical processes". When this occurs, progress can then be made toward the identification and resolution of presenting problems. “patients themselves value therapeutic relationships which offer respect, trust and care and it seems that such relationships may in themselves prove to be healing in the broadest sense.” The increased level of trust between patient and practitioner will also aid treatment by making the patient more willing to follow the practitioners advice and treatment strategy. Therefore, if a practitioner really desires to help his patients, he must become adept in the skills required to forge and maintain a strong therapeutic relationship. 24 It is understandable that the novice counselor may find himself overwhelmed with the importance of fixing his counselee as he learned in school. By placing a strong emphasis on the identification and classification of the counselee’s DSM-IV criteria, a counselor may find it easier to follow a treatment outline. Services can then be easily pigeon-holed and outcomes measured with supreme accuracy. However, if the counselor focuses more on the therapeutic relationship and less on the clinical criteria, he may soon find himself unable to quantify his results for such oversight agencies like Medicaid, who diligently pursue the patient’s specific progress towards treatment goals and the medical necessity of those interventions used to meet the previously identified objectives and goals. The therapeutic relationship is clearly the cornerstone of treatment, and the sooner that relationship is developed, the sooner treatment can begin, in earnest.

Research continues to indicate that the therapeutic relationship is by far the best indicator of positive outcomes. Most empirical studies that employ objective measures of therapeutic relationship show positive associations between good alliance and positive therapy outcome. Marziali and Alexander also remark that their review indicates clients' ratings of the therapeutic relationship are consistently better at forecasting outcome than therapists' ratings. These authors underline the importance of the role of the therapeutic relationship in the outcome of treatment, calling it, "a potent curative factor in all forms of treatment". Finally, Marziali and Alexander suggest that training of psychotherapists should emphasize the therapeutic alliance and methods to detect relationship cues early in the therapeutic process. 25 This is of extreme importance because we find that most people decide whether-or-not they “like” you within the first two minutes. The opportunity for someone to change that initial decision fades exponentially over time. As a result we find that the counselee’s best chance of meeting their treatment goals is to initiate and foster a strong relationship with a skilled counselor who recognizes the importance of that relationship and is willing and able to take the positive steps necessary to engage the client on a meaningful level at the very on-set of treatment. If the counselor is unable to establish a strong rapport with the counselee at the first introduction, the counselee may never meet their treatment goals despite the amount of time in treatment or the modality employed by the counselor. Thus it is incumbent upon the counselor to become familiar with proxemics, kinesics, and non-verbal communication to better facilitate the rapport building process. By ignoring this vital process, the counselor will have difficulty making significant progress with any counselee who does not already inherently share and understand his non-verbal style. The consequences may be even worse for the potential counselee who has built up the courage to give therapy one chance, only to encounter a therapist who does not relate well to them. This counselee may walk away from that initial session and never seek treatment again, because they were uncomfortable sharing their deepest, darkest thoughts and feelings with a counselor who did not appear to be “understanding”, “unbiased”, “friendly”, and “trustworthy”. In the course of a clinical exchange or therapeutic hour, there are frequent occasions when a patient's hands engage in the exploration of feet, legs, arms, or fingertips at the very moment when the manifest communicative effort is directed toward another person. Before the listener, there appears a dirge sung with the hands in which the patient, in Ferenczi's phrase, recapitulates the biographical tragedy, and seems to portray a condensed representation of shame, injury, self-repair, or helplessness. 26 If all this information is available at the on-set of the initial visit and is properly understood by the counselor as it unfolds, then the counselor need only to reciprocate in like manner. As the counselor, to begin “mirrors” the counselees preferred communication style, rapport should be established and the growth of the therapeutic relationship steadily progress. One can only imagine the amount of information that is lost when counselors are not able to accurately interpret the non-verbal stories that are being played out before them every session.

Other Books By This Author:

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References

1 Wolff-Michael Roth and Daniel V. Lawless “Language in Society”, Vol. 31, No. 1 (Feb., 2002), pp. 1-28 , Cambridge University Press

2 Wolff-Michael Roth and Daniel V. Lawless “Language in Society”, Vol. 31, No. 1 (Feb., 2002), pp. 5, Cambridge University Press .

3 Virginia P. Richmond and James c McCroskey, “Nonverbal behavior in interpersonal relations” 1987, Prentice Hall, Inc, Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey, page 65.

4 Virginia P. Richmond and James c McCroskey, “Nonverbal behavior in interpersonal relations” 1987, Prentice Hall, Inc, Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey, page 107.

5 Virginia P. Richmond and James C McCroskey, “Nonverbal behavior in interpersonal relations” 1987, Prentice Hall, Inc, Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey, page 3.

6 Colette Thompson, “Client’s Perceptions of the Therapeutic Relationship and its Role in Outcome”, University of Calgary, 1995, Page 70)

7 Vincent A. Sandoval, MA and Susan H. Adams, MA, “Subtle Skills for Building Rapport Using Neuro-Linguistic Programming in the Interview Room”, FBI Law Enforcement Bulletin, 70, 8, August 2001, Page 4.

8 Robert N. St. Clair, “The Social and Psychological Context of Laguages, University of Louisville, Lawrence Earlbaum Associates Publishers, 1980. Page 245.

9 Kathryn Ann Dindia, “Reciprocity of Self-Disclosure, a Sequential Analysis”, University of Washington, 1981, page 103.

10 Jay Haley, “Strategies of Psychotherapy.”, New York: Grune & Straton, Inc. (1963).

11 Vincent A. Sandoval, MA and Susan H. Adams, MA, “Subtle Skills for Building Rapport Using Neuro-Linguistic Programming in the Interview Room”, FBI Law Enforcement Bulletin, 70, 8, August 2001, Page 2

12 Alex Owen, “The Therapeutic Relationship”, Beijing, china, MATCM, 2004, Page 2

13 Vincent A. Sandoval, MA and Susan H. Adams, MA, “Subtle Skills for Building Rapport Using Neuro-Linguistic Programming in the Interview Room”, FBI Law Enforcement Bulletin, 70, 8, August 2001, Page 2.

14 Vincent A. Sandoval, MA and Susan H. Adams, MA, “Subtle Skills for Building Rapport Using Neuro-Linguistic Programming in the Interview Room”, FBI Law Enforcement Bulletin, 70, 8, August 2001, Page 3

15 Vincent A. Sandoval, MA and Susan H. Adams, MA, “Subtle Skills for Building Rapport Using Neuro-Linguistic Programming in the Interview Room”, FBI Law Enforcement Bulletin, 70, 8, August 2001, Page 3

16 Johannes Phillipus Venter, “(Re)Construction in Progress: A Social Constructionist Reification of the Therapeutic Relationship”, University of Pretoria, Etd., 2003, page 17.

17 Johannes Phillipus Venter, “(Re)Construction in Progress: A Social Constructionist Reification of the Therapeutic Relationship”, University of Pretoria, Etd., 2003, page 18.

18 Alex Owen, “The Therapeutic Relationship”, Beijing, china, MATCM, 2004, Page 2

19 Debra L Roter and Richard M Frankel, “The Expression of Emotion Through Nonverbal Behavior in Medical Visits”, the Society of General Internal Medicine, Page 2.

20 Alex Owen, “The Therapeutic Relationship”, Beijing, china, MATCM, 2004, Page 2.

21 Ruth R. Rigardt and Beatrice Gelder, “Recognition of Facial Expressions”, Tilburg University, Tilburg, The Netherlands, 2008, Page 1.

22 Colette Thompson, “Client’s Perceptions of the Therapeutic Relationship and its Role in Outcome”, University of Calgary, 1995, Page 113.

23 Judee K. Burgoon and E. James Baesler, “Choosing Between Micro and Macro Non-Verbal Measurement: Application to Selected Vocalic and Kinesic Indices”, Journal of NonVerbal Behavior 15(1), Human Sciences Press, Inc., 1991

24 Alex Owen, “The Therapeutic Relationship”, Beijing, china, MATCM, 2004, Page 2.

25 Colette Thompson, “Client’s Perceptions of the Therapeutic Relationship and its Role in Outcome”, University of Calgary, 1995, Page 17.

26 Freedman Steingart, “The Organization of Body-Focused Kinesic Behavior and Language Construction”, Psychoanalysis and Contemporary Science, 1975, Page 423

Table of Contents

Copyright

Identification of Non-verbal Cues

Interpreting Body Language from the Ground Up.

Improving Observation Skills

Using Skills to Improve Therapeutic Relationship

Research into the Importance of the Therapeutic Relationship

Counseling: Closer Relationships Equals Better Outcomes

Other Books By This Author:

References

Table of Contents

Copyright

Identification of Non-verbal Cues

Interpreting Body Language from the Ground Up.

Improving Observation Skills

Using Skills to Improve Therapeutic Relationship

Research into the Importance of the Therapeutic Relationship

Counseling: Closer Relationships Equals Better Outcomes

Other Books By This Author:

References