© 2005 by Rick Johnson

Published by Revell

a division of Baker Publishing Group

P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287

www.revellbooks.com

Excerpted from That’s My Son

Ebook edition created 2013

ISBN 978-1-4412-4120-7

Ebook edition created 2013

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—for example, electronic, photocopy, recording—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Scripture quotations are from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

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Contents

Cover    1

Title Page    3

Copyright Page    4

Acknowledgments    6

Introduction    7

1. Why Are Boys So Different?    9

2. Communicating with Boys    24

3. What Do Boys Need to Learn to Become Good Men?    35

Notes    52

About the Author    54

Other Books by the Author    55

Back Ads    56

Back Cover    57

Acknowledgments

I’d like to thank bold, courageous men such as Robert Lewis, Steve Farrar, Ken Canfield, Dennis Rainey, John Eldredge, and most of all, Stu Weber for teaching me what it is to be a man and a father. Stu, thanks for saving my life. I have borrowed heavily from the wisdom of these men and others in writing this book. Any mistakes are all mine and not due to the teachings of these modern-day knights. Thanks also to Michael Gurian for leading the way.

I’d also like to thank Joanne, Daina, Linda, Terry, Diane, Aimee, Renee, Bonnie, Diann, Julie, and Carrie for their input and encouragement. A big thanks also to Dr. Vicki Crumpton for her patience and encouragement while editing this book.

Most importantly, I owe a huge debt of gratitude to my wife, Suzanne, for her unending patience with me over the years as I grew from a little boy (at twenty-five years old) to, I hope at least, some semblance of a good man at the age of forty-eight. Without her unfailing faith, encouragement, and confidence while standing next to me, I could have accomplished nothing worthwhile in life.

Introduction

You hear his little feet stomping up the wooden porch steps fast as they can go on a summer’s afternoon. You yell, “Don’t slam the screen d—” SLAM!

“Mom! Mom!” he hollers, so out of breath he can hardly get the words out. Why are boys are so loud? you think. You hand him a glass of water, and he attempts to drink and tell his oh-so-important story at the same time.

“Mom—GULP—I—GULP—saw—GULP, PANT, PANT—the most—GULP—biggest—GULP, PANT, PANT . . .”

You smile at him and gently push the hair from his eyes, lovingly studying his countenance. What you see causes your heart to melt like the chocolate bar he left on your dashboard in the hot sun. His smudged face, his dirty T-shirt, and the grass-stained knees of his jeans tell you he’s been on some outrageous adventure about which you can only guess. His hair is damp with sweat, and he’s got that incredible boy smell about him—one part fresh-cut grass, one part odor of dog, one part unwashed hands that have been who knows where, and one part long-lost dreams from your own childhood. You gaze at him with love, wondering what he will be like as a man.

Then with a start you think, How am I ever going to raise this little guy into a good man?

What makes boys so special? Is it their love of bugs, dirt, dogs, baseball, explosions, loud noises, heavy equipment, and Kool-Aid? Or is it because they don’t like taking baths, being kissed, eating vegetables, or having their noses wiped and ears cleaned? To mothers, these and all the other things that make boys special can present a confusing mix of contradictions. Particularly to women who were not raised with brothers or even a father, the odors, noises, and general rambunctiousness of boys can be downright frightening, or at the very least overwhelming.

I have nothing but respect and admiration for mothers, especially single mothers, who are interested in trying to help grow their sons to become good men. The horrifying truth is that 85 percent of custodial single parents are mothers. I can’t begin to fathom how difficult it must be to raise and provide for a family without the support of a spouse.

It’s important for you to understand that I’m not a psychiatrist, a psychologist, or even a trained counselor. I’m also not an expert father, to which my kids will readily attest. I make mistakes every day. I’m just an average parent like most of you, trying to raise my kids the best I can. I’ve just been fortunate to have received some extra training and to have read many good books.

Also, it’s important to understand that I will be using some generalizations throughout this book. These are meant to portray characteristics men and women can relate to, not to promote stereotypes.

One thing I’m not going to tell you is how to be a mother. You’re a better mother than I’ll ever be. But maybe I can provide some insight into what it takes to be a man. After all, I am a man—by some accounts, a fairly good man—I’ve been a boy, and I’ve raised a pretty good son nearly into manhood. I’ve worked with hundreds of men over the years, learning about their childhoods and the areas they struggle with daily. That doesn’t make me an expert, but hopefully, it will allow me to give you some insight into what makes us males tick.

Having said that, I dedicate this book to all the moms out there who are struggling to make it. Moms who work all day and come home and cook meals and clean the house, sometimes with little or no support from the father of their children. Moms who do without day after day so their kids can eat, have a roof over their heads, and have shoes and clothes to wear. Moms who are trying their best to raise a family on their own without the resources and support of a two-parent family. Moms who, despite the hardships, never quit.

I hope this book will ease your burden by helping you understand how boys think, how best to communicate with these strange little creatures, and how to help them become good men so that someday your grandchildren will look up at you and say, “Thank you, Grandma, for raising such a good daddy for me.”

1

Why Are Boys So Different?

So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.

Genesis 1:27

And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman.

Genesis 2:21–22

Let’s look at some of the things that make men and women different from one another. While researching the differences between the sexes for this chapter, I decided to check the Internet. I entered “differences between males and females” on the Google search engine and promptly received hits for 1,360,000 websites. The websites covered anatomical, psychological, sexual, genetic, and verbal differences and everything imaginable in between.

God created both sexes—male and female—equal yet different from one another. Differences do not indicate that one sex is superior or inferior to the other. Each sex was created with different strengths and weaknesses so that together we equal a whole greater than the sum of its parts.

Physiology

That being said, one of the ways males differ from females is physiologically. Researchers have recently begun using computerized axial tomography (CAT), magnetic resonance imaging (MRI), and other brain-scan equipment to measure how male and female brains respond to various kinds of stimulation. They’ve discovered that while a male’s brain is slightly larger, a female’s brain has a larger corpus callosum—the bundle of nerves that connects the left and right hemispheres of the brain. This allows females to use more of each hemisphere of the brain, allowing more communication between the two sides of the brain. Male brains primarily use one hemisphere of the brain at a time. This developmental difference explains why females tend to be better readers than males and why males have a harder time identifying an emotion they see on someone else’s face. This may also help explain why many women feel that the men in their lives don’t understand their emotions well and why women are generally more intuitive than men.[1]

When we were first married, I used to disparage my wife’s “womanly intuition.” However, over the years I’ve become mature enough to notice that Suzanne’s observations, particularly about other people, are nearly always accurate. For example, sometimes we’ll meet people and she will have a bad feeling about them. I used to ignore her warnings or pass them off as foolishness, and then we would later discover that a person did in fact have some significant character flaws I had been unable to deduce at the time.

While I typically use logic, Suzanne is much more adept at reading other people’s mannerisms, posture, and emotions—detecting their thoughts and feelings and hidden character flaws (though she’s not likely to be able to explain it to my satisfaction). Now we use her intuitive skills as a useful tool in our decision-making process. I don’t even question her intuition. I just take her gut-level feelings at face value. If she says she has a bad feeling about someone, even if she can’t explain why, I accept it as truth.

Hormones

Males are hardwired to be more aggressive than females. This is primarily due to the hormone testosterone, which is responsible for maleness. Males typically have up to twenty times more testosterone than females, causing more dominant and aggressive behavior. This hormone also promotes muscle growth and body hair. Consequently, males are generally bigger, faster, and stronger (and hairier) and have larger upper body mass than females.

Due to higher levels of testosterone, males tend to act out in times of stress. Females tend to become withdrawn in similar circumstances. In stressful situations (during their parents’ divorce, for instance), adolescent males often become angry and aggressive, getting into trouble and acting out, whereas adolescent females are more prone to become depressed and withdrawn.

Michael Gurian, in his excellent book A Fine Young Man, sums up adolescent boys this way:

They tread carefully on some things and seem to push forward like maniacs in others. A fire inside them motivates them and then seems to go out suddenly, leaving them exhausted and able to sleep until noon. They both crave structure and despise it, sometimes leaving their parents, mentors, and educators breathless. They seem to save up all their words only for television shows or ideas or activities they care about. They seem to need their friends now more than their families. They even stink a little bit. Is it the constantly dirty socks, or is it the testosterone-induced body odor that they now wear like a badge?[2]

I can tell you from personal experience how this hormone affects a man. Several years ago my body stopped producing enough testosterone. For about six months, until we discovered the problem, I felt lethargic, passive, weak, indecisive, and timid; had a low libido; and just generally felt miserable. I was missing something intangible—call it my “mojo” or my maleness. The whole experience left me feeling sort of like Superman when he’s exposed to kryptonite. However, immediately upon fixing the problem—Boom! I had my strength, decision-making ability, and ambition back. I felt alive and active, with a renewed sex drive. I felt like a man again.

The chromosomes a baby receives from its father and mother determine its sexual identity. If the embryo receives a Y chromosome from its father’s DNA, it is flooded with a “testosterone wash” during the sixth week of gestation. This testosterone bath changes the structure of the brain as well as the way the two hemispheres relate to each other.

The other time period in which testosterone plays a big role in the development of boys is puberty. During puberty testosterone deluges the body of the male child, causing his genitalia to increase eight times in size. In their book Raising Sons and Loving It! Gary and Carrie Oliver write,

During this testosterone wash the level of testosterone is ten to twenty times stronger in boys than girls. The prepubertal and adolescent boy will have between five to seven surges of testosterone per day—an increase marked by a tendency to masturbate frequently, be moody and aggressive, want more sleep, lose his temper more often, be negative and critical, act like his head is in the clouds, and have a significantly greater interest in sex.[3]

Another hormone that influences gender behavior is serotonin, also a neurotransmitter. Its purpose is to pacify and soothe emotions—to control impulsive behavior. It’s no surprise, then, that females produce more of this hormone than males. In addition, postpubescent males seem to process this hormone more readily, which may explain why they suffer from depression much less than females.

A third physiological factor affecting boys’ behavior is a small gland called the amygdala. The amygdala is a walnut-size portion of the brain that acts as an emotional computer. In times of perceived threat or danger, it orders the adrenal glands and other defensive organs into action. The amygdala is larger in males than in females, thus explaining why males tend to be more aggressive.[4]

Psychology

Males differ markedly from females psychologically as well. Males are typically better at math, science, spatial relations, logic, and reasoning than females. Females have better language skills, make fewer mistakes, take fewer risks, and are better students than males. They are typically more compassionate to others, more intuitive, and less impulsive than their male counterparts.

Brain-scanning equipment has not only pointed out developmental and biochemical differences between males and females, but it has also been used to study structural differences. Studies at the University of Pennsylvania have determined how different parts of the brain are activated depending on the task the brain is engaged in.

Subjects were asked to do a spatial task such as figuring out how two parts to a puzzle fit together. Results showed that in most of the males, the right hemisphere lit up intensely, while the left hemisphere lit up less brightly. In the female brain, both hemispheres lit up equally but less intensely than the males’ right hemispheres. Researchers concluded that, on the average, males do better at spatial tasks than females—presumably because they can draw heavily on the right hemisphere of the brain to solve problems.

Additionally, during verbal tests, males used much less of their brains than females did. Research indicates that the female brain is activated continuously during verbal tasks, while the male brain switches on and off.[5]

Having coached girls’ and boys’ basketball for a number of years, I’ve observed some significant differences in the way each sex plays the game. Girls just do not grasp the spatial relation concepts involved in the game as well as boys. The spacing on the court and the angles required to both score and defend against the opposing player are much harder to teach to girls—even at the high school level.

For example, when a full-court pass is thrown, defenders must simultaneously judge the speed of the ball, the speed of the player, the angle of the ball, and the spot on the floor in which all three come together. Add to that calculation the fact that they must determine their own speed and the angle they must take to arrive at that spot at the appropriate time. The girls who do grasp these concepts exhibit much better “court sense” and are far and away better players than those who don’t. Boys intuitively understand these concepts at a young age. Additionally, trying to teach girls to be aggressive on the court can be difficult. For most—not all, but most—it seems to go against their nature.

However, girls do seem to understand the concept of teamwork much better than boys do and frequently develop stronger bonds during the course of a season. I also believe girls are much more coachable, taking direction better than boys and coming together as a team sooner.

After having coached boys’ basketball, I took over a sixth-grade girls’ team. During one of the first practices, I yelled at one of the girls as I would have at a boy. Boys rarely get upset by being yelled at—in fact, it works well to motivate them. This time, the young lady in question burst into tears and ran off to the restroom. The rest of the team stopped practicing, looked at me with disdain, and bolted after the girl to console her. They looked like a herd of antelope, moving together in perfect symmetry. Afterward, my daughter proceeded to read me the riot act, telling me why the girl was so sensitive at this particular time. After receiving much more personal information than I needed or was comfortable with, I immediately revised the way I communicated with the team.

Another example of gender differences occurred later that same year when a player on the opposing team fell down during a game. Immediately the game stopped, and half of my team went over to help her up. I’ve even seen this scenario happen in girls’ high school games! After going nearly apoplectic the first few times I witnessed this event, I’ve learned to take this kind of gamesmanship in stride. Take my word for it: you will seldom see boys at any age lose the advantage during competition to help an opposing player get up off the floor.

Males are typically much more competitive than females. Competition is a big part of a male’s life and typically colors his view of every circumstance and relationship at least to some degree. Ever wonder why men can’t stand to have someone pass them on the freeway or why men are reluctant to ask for directions? To boys, competition is part of the game. It feels good to have boundaries established and to know where you stand in the pecking order. That’s why rules and regulations are important to males—it gives them a framework by which to judge themselves and others. Without rules there is no order, and chaos quickly ensues.

Because of the way their minds process information, boys prefer to view objects that move quickly. Hence, they are more at risk to become addicted to television, video games, and the Internet. Nearly all video games are marketed to boys. Even the way males and females navigate tells a story—women personalize space by finding landmarks; men see a geometric system, taking directional cues in the layout of routes.

Boys (and, I’m embarrassed to admit, men as well) take in less sensory data and have a shorter attention span than females. I can thoroughly rifle through a drawer or cupboard and not find what I’m searching for, no matter how hard I look. Yet my wife can walk right up and find that item instantly. This is not an occasional occurrence. I have to scratch my head in wonder, because my wife accuses me of not really looking, yet I know I’ve searched to the best of my ability. I hear repeatedly from other women who confirm that their boys and men suffer from the same affliction.

Characteristics Common to Boys

At the risk of promoting stereotypes, there are certain characteristics that seem to distinguish boys from girls. Boys play more aggressively, climbing everything in sight, all the while hitting, running, and jumping at every opportunity. Girls are more likely to play corporately, with the goal of building relationships. Females live longer than males and typically perform better in certain stressful environments. Females also suffer more from depression than males. Boys are more prone to be hyperactive, are more nonverbal, become later readers, are more aggressive, are bigger risk takers, and are more adventurous. Males more often operate in a detached and isolated fashion. Solitary work to master a skill is a common characteristic of male life, and men are quicker to dismiss the claims of other people and even their own emotions. This approach tends to make things (machines, ideas) at least as important as people in the man’s inner life.[6] Compared to girls, boys:

- are six times more likely to have learning disorders

- are three times more likely to be drug addicts

- are four times more likely to be diagnosed as emotionally disturbed

- are twelve times more likely to commit murder

- have a 50 percent greater risk of dying in a car accident

- are five times more likely to commit suicide

Boys comprise 90 percent of those in drug treatment programs, and 95 percent of the kids involved in juvenile court are boys.[7]

Besides suffering the consequences of their behavior, boys suffer significant physical and psychological problems as well. In Raising Sons and Loving It! the following differences are noted between boys and girls:

- Young boys are admitted to mental hospitals and juvenile institutions about seven times more frequently than girls of similar age and socioeconomic background.

- Boys are twice as likely as girls to suffer from autism and six times as likely to be diagnosed as having hyperkinesis, or attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

- Boys stutter more and have significantly more learning and speech disabilities than girls. Some research suggests that dyslexia is found in up to nine times as many boys as girls.

- Boys are much more likely to suffer from a variety of birth defects.

- Boys are prone to schizophrenia and suffer a higher incidence of mental retardation. In fact, about two hundred genetic diseases affect only boys, including the most severe forms of muscular dystrophy and hemophilia.[8]

Boys enjoy outdoor play and games that include bodily contact and have a clearly defined winner and loser. This is how boys socialize and bond with each other. Often this type of behavior is mistaken for aggression. However, it’s important that we do not mistake this rough-and-tumble behavior for unhealthy aggression. Unhealthy aggression, or violence, is destructive and shouldn’t be allowed.

Healthy male aggressive behavior can be observed in sports. Contact sports like football, basketball, and wrestling provide positive outlets for healthy male aggression. In these competitions everyone starts out on the same level, and within the rules and framework of the game (which everyone is subject to), an individual’s and the team’s efforts make the difference between winning and losing. This allows a male to test himself against his peers and against himself. This helps create and build a positive self-image.

Unhealthy male aggression might take the form of bullying smaller peers or younger siblings. Aggression becomes violence when it violates another’s core self. For instance, extreme acts of unhealthy male aggression occur in gang initiations, which often include ritualistic beatings for males or gang rape for females. Additionally, the win-at-all-costs mentality exhibited by some athletes and coaches promotes unhealthy aggression and violence.

If your son takes pleasure in picking on those weaker than himself, abuses animals, engages in continual fighting, or shows other signs of violent tendencies, consider seeking professional guidance to help him understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy aggression.

Fighting often serves as an outlet for unhealthy male aggression. Movies such as Fight Club underscore the search for an outlet for natural male aggression (albeit in an unhealthy manner) in our society, which frowns on many of the traditional male activities used for this purpose. For example, boyish games such as cops and robbers, cowboys and Indians, or war games are now widely considered politically incorrect, and the typically male pursuits of hunting and fishing are often viewed as boorish or even unacceptable.

But many authority figures in charge of boys, such as parents, teachers, and administrators, blur the lines of distinction between healthy and unhealthy aggression. Many educators today view the normal play of boys with disapproval or ban it outright.[9]

Christina Hoff Sommers, in her book The War Against Boys, reports that one Boston-area teacher, Barbara Wilder-Smith, spent a year observing elementary school classrooms. She reports that more and more “mothers and female teachers . . . believe that the key to producing a nonviolent adult is to remove all conflict—toy weapons, wrestling, shoving, and imaginary explosions and crashes—from a boy’s life.” She sees a growing chasm between the “culture of women and the culture of boys.”[10]

Most of you who have children of each gender already know that boys and girls are different. They act differently, play differently, and talk differently.

Until recently, certain elements of society maintained that there were no differences between males and females except in their reproductive organs. The cultural movement over the past several decades, promoted primarily by the feminist movement and other “enlightened” intellectuals, exhorted parents to raise nonsexist, gender-neutral children. Advocates of this movement urged boys to play with dolls and explore their feminine side by engaging in games such as “house.” Girls were not to be typecast with such games but were to be given the opportunity to participate in nonstereotypical gender bias activities. The folly of this theory was that, despite the parents’ best efforts at directing the kids to play in cross-gender activities, the boys typically took the dolls and made guns out of them or threw them as hand grenades while playing war with each other, and the girls migrated together to play in more social activities such as tea parties.[11]

Unfortunately, the air of disruptiveness that surrounds boys can lead to diagnosis of problems where none exist. Especially for women not raised with brothers or a father, boys can seem like a shocking mix of smells, sounds, and noise. I have a friend who proposes that men don’t mature much beyond the age of thirteen years or so. He may be right. When we all get together with our sons to go hunting or camping, the same loud, rude noises that set off our sons into gales of laughter still crack us up as well. Much of the charm of men may be the little boys they retain inside themselves.

War on Boys

Perhaps because of males’ disruptive nature, our culture has been on a crash course to feminize boys, or at least to soften them, for the past twenty years or so.

John Eldredge, author of Wild at Heart, says it like this: “The idea, widely held in our culture, is that the aggressive nature of boys is inherently bad, and we have to make them into something more like girls.”[12]

Some schools have recently experimented with doing away with recess. Eliminating recess at school really hurts boys who have a difficult time staying still and concentrating for long periods of time. Without a physical outlet like recess to release their pent-up energy, they tend to exhibit distracting characteristics in the classroom. Far more boys are labeled with ADHD than girls. The fact that girls tend to be quieter, better behaved, and frankly, nicer in school than boys contributes to this imbalance. I’m not convinced that medicating a large percent of our young male population is a positive solution. Interestingly, several anecdotal stories have illustrated that introducing fathers or male father figures into the classroom on a volunteer basis has a calming influence on boys.

Take, for example, this story about elephants on a game preserve in Africa. Due to game management practices over the years, a herd of teenage bull elephants were left to fend for themselves. All of the older bulls had been culled from the herd, and the matriarchal leaders refused to allow the nearly grown “boy” elephants to mix with the cows and their young babies. This herd of young bulls was very aggressive, wreaking havoc on the countryside and neighboring villages. They were destroying crops and knocking down dwellings, as well as attacking the human population.

All the experts on elephants were called together for a conference to decide how to remedy this problem. After much fruitless discussion, they finally called in an old African chief, who told them, “Bring in an old bull.” They located an old bull elephant in another part of the country, airlifted him in, and gently lowered him into the area where the herd had last been seen. The herd was not seen again for several more weeks, but one day there came the herd. Out from the dense forest came all of the young bulls, walking peacefully in a straight line behind the old bull, each minding his manners. No troubles were ever caused by the members of the herd again. The moral of this story is that males need the wise and mature leadership of older males. It directly affects their behavior.

Another example: About four years ago, I began playing basketball in a Christian men’s recreational basketball league. I was far and away the oldest man playing, with most of the other members in their mid- to late twenties. One day I was talking to Chris, the executive director of the league.

“Chris, I just wanted to thank you for letting me play basketball. I know my skills and athletic ability are not what they once were.”

Chris said, “That’s okay. We like having you play. You provide a calming influence on the game.”

At first I wasn’t quite sure that was a compliment. However, after further discussion, Chris explained that as competitively as men play, the influence of an older male who conducts himself with self-control keeps the young guys from losing their tempers as often as they might without that influence.

The point is that neither the old bull elephant in the first story, nor I in the second story, led the younger males under our sphere of influence to change their behavior through physical size or strength. Neither of us was bigger or stronger than the younger males. We led them by modeling positive behavior. Younger males are always looking to older males to know how to act in certain situations, whether in school or life.

Christina Hoff Sommers says, “It’s a bad time to be a boy in America. As the new millennium begins, the triumphant victory of our women’s soccer team has come to symbolize the spirit of American girls. The defining event for boys is the shooting at Columbine High.”[13] She goes on to say that the media and the feminists have portrayed boys to be the bane of society and the cause of most of its ills.

The premise, then, put forth by many special interest groups is that we must eradicate natural masculine behavior in young boys through social engineering programs in the public schools.

The war cry of these groups in the past has been that boys were given preferential treatment in schools, much to the detriment of girls. This was epitomized a dozen years ago when Wellesley College researcher Susan Bailey wrote a report that made national headlines. Titled “How Schools Shortchange Girls,” the study chronicled how teachers paid more attention to boys, steered girls away from math and science, and made schools more inviting to boys than to girls. However, a review of the facts today shows that boys are on the weak end of the educational gender gap. Boys are up to a year and a half behind girls in school and are less likely to attend college. In 1997 college enrollments consisted of 45 percent male and 55 percent female students. According to the US Department of Education, this trend of declining male college enrollment will continue to worsen in the future.[14]

As I was writing this section, the Oregonian newspaper reported that 71 percent of the Portland/Vancouver high school valedictorians were female this past year. The article went on to say, “‘It took less than 30 years for longstanding male dominance in college to be reversed, lightning speed for social change of that magnitude,’ says Cornelius Riordan, professor of sociology at Providence College, who has tracked gender differences in education for years. ‘In the early 1970s, 60 percent of college students were male. Now, roughly 60 percent of college students are female,’ he says.”[15]

While the behavior boys naturally exhibit needs to be controlled, we should remember that God created them this way. God’s creation has accomplished some remarkable things in our world. Hoff Sommers summarizes by saying,

This book [The War Against Boys] tells the story of how it has become fashionable to attribute pathology to millions of healthy male children. It is a story of how we are turning against boys and forgetting a simple truth: that the energy, competitiveness, and corporal daring of normal, decent males is responsible for much of what is right in the world. No one denies that boys’ aggressive tendencies must be checked and channeled in constructive ways. Boys need discipline, respect, and moral guidance. Boys need love and tolerant understanding. They do not need to be pathologized.[16]

Or as the dissident feminist writer Camille Paglia puts it, “Masculinity is aggressive, unstable, combustible. It is also the most creative cultural force in history.”[17]

Stress and pressure also affect the way boys behave. Kids today, especially teenagers, are exposed to a whole different set of problems and stresses than you or I experienced. Teenagers today have freedoms previously reserved for adults. The levels of violence, sex, and lack of respect for authority young people are exposed to daily on television and in the movies are beyond belief.

Most Common High School Problems in the 1940s

Most Common High School Problems in the 1980s[18]

talking

drug abuse

chewing gum

alcohol abuse

making noise

pregnancy

running in halls

suicide

cutting in line

rape

dress code

robbery

littering

assault

As the Olivers so aptly state in Raising Sons and Loving It! “Times have changed, priorities have changed, and values have changed—and few of these changes have been good for marriages, for families, or for our sons.”[19]

Being a teenager has always been difficult, but today’s youth are faced with consequences for their behavior that can lead to lifelong wounds or even death. The high rate of AIDS among young people is a constant reminder of their mortality. Sexual promiscuity leads to a deluge of sexually transmitted diseases, many incurable. Homicides are the second leading cause of death among fifteen- to twenty-four-year-old males. The Centers for Disease Control reported that youth killings in the United States are ten times higher than in Canada, fifteen times higher than in Australia, and twenty-eight times higher than in Germany or France.[20]

Part of the problem may be that our children are growing up too fast. Psychologist David Elkind argues:

Society no longer seems to regard children as innocent or to see childhood innocence as a positive characteristic. Children are exposed to every nuance of human vice and depravity under the mistaken assumption that this will somehow inure them to evil and prepare them to live successful, if not virtuous and honorable, lives. This assumption rests on the mistaken belief that a bad experience is the best preparation for a bad experience.[21]

Using premarital sex as an example, it seems as though the prevailing attitude of much of our society is that teenagers are going to have sex no matter what we do, so let’s not even try to promote abstinence as a solution. The former principal of the high school where my wife works had a saying—“What you permit, you promote.” This seems like an invalid commentary to adults with that kind of apathetic attitude regarding many of the problems young people face today.

Boys are also raised with an overabundance of stereotypes they are encouraged to live up to: Men don’t cry or express affection. Real men are strong, silent, and able to fix anything. Men don’t feel pain. Real men are rich and successful in business. Real men are sexually experienced.

Just look at the myths our male role models perpetuate: James Bond beds every beautiful woman who crosses his path. All of the action movies have larger-than-life heroes who beat up or kill dozens of men at once and never get hurt or die. Our sports, movie, and music stars seemingly get away with any behavior they feel like indulging—drugs, sexual assault, even murder—all without suffering any consequences. What kind of self-image do young boys develop when they feel forced to, or are unable to, live up to these kinds of stereotypes?

Understanding gender differences is crucial in successfully raising boys. At their very core, boys are different than you were as a little girl or are now as a woman. They think, feel, process information, emote, express themselves, and solve problems differently than you do. Mothers who understand these differences have a much better opportunity of reaching their goal of raising boys to become good men.

Questions for Discussion

1. Make a list of ways your son’s behavior differs from yours as a youngster. Which behaviors do you think are a result of his maleness, and which are a result of his environment?

2. What behavioral patterns have you observed that seem consistent with most boys your son’s age? Why do you think they act this way?

3. Discuss with another woman or with your group any “anti-boy” atmosphere you’ve observed in our society.

2

Communicating with Boys

“Bobby, turn down the television.

“Bobby, did you hear me?

“Bobby, I’m not going to tell you again. Turn down the television.

“Bobby! If you don’t turn that TV down, you’re gonna get it.

“BOBBY! TURN DOWN THE TV! NOW!”

“Huh? Oh, sorry, Mom. I didn’t hear you.”

Does that sound familiar? Why can boys hear the ice cream truck from a mile away but can’t hear you tell them from across the room not to slam the screen door?

Boys only have about a thirty-second attention span. They literally cannot hear things that don’t interest them. Frankly, they don’t bother listening most of the time anyway. Some of this short attention span is due to the fact that they focus intently on things that interest them. Part of the problem may be that their minds are somewhere else, and part of it could be that they know Mom will tell them again anyway.

To communicate with your son, it’s important to understand how the male mind works. For thousands of years, a man’s main role in life was to hunt to provide food for his family. Besides strong problem-solving skills, what are two of the main requirements to be a successful hunter? The ability to be silent and the ability to focus intently on one thing. These two traits have been bred into men for ages. Unfortunately, those traits don’t always correlate with clear communication between males and females.[22] Our culture makes so many demands on our attention. The sheer noisiness of our society makes it hard for men to concentrate on more than one task at a time.

Males value power, competency, efficiency, and achievement.[23] They are more interested in objects and things than in people and feelings. Achieving goals helps a male feel competent and good about himself. And men like attaining their goals on their own. Autonomy is a symbol of efficiency, power, and competency. However, when teaching your son things like communication skills, resist the urge to do too much for him.

Solving all of your son’s dilemmas for him does not enable him to develop a key ingredient of the male psyche—the ability to solve problems. John Gray, in Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, states, “To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn’t know what to do or that he can’t do it on his own. Men are very touchy about this, because the issue of competence is so very important to them. . . . Asking for help when you can do it yourself is perceived as a sign of weakness.”[24] Understanding this male characteristic makes it easier to comprehend why your son shows frustration when you offer him advice or continually tell him what to do and how to do things.

So how are you supposed to communicate with your boy, especially in light of the fact that most males view talking as a burden, not a cure? Here are a number of key factors that may make it easier for you to understand the way your son thinks and to communicate with him on a level he can understand.

Males Can’t Read Minds

This parable arrived in my email one day:

A man asked his wife what she’d like for her 40th birthday.

“I’d love to be six again,” she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald’s they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie—the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being six again?”

One eye opened. “You idiot, I meant SIZE 6!!”

The moral of this story: when a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

I once spoke to a man from a tiny village in Nigeria. He said the first advice his grandfather taught him when he got married was to just say, “Yes, dear.” All over the world, men struggle to understand and communicate with women.

Yes, I know. If we men really loved you women, we’d be perceptive to your wants and anticipate your needs. Every male in the world has heard that proclamation. Unfortunately, that’s not how males think. We process information with one side of the brain at a time.

Males likely won’t understand what you want if you don’t tell them directly. Boys need you to speak in their language, with a certain frankness and toughness. Have you ever seen a dog cock his head and whine in confusion when you talk to him? He’s trying to understand what you’re saying, but he just can’t quite grasp the meaning. That’s how we feel. We want to make you happy; we just don’t understand.

From a male’s perspective, women seem to talk in riddles. They hear women “talk around” a subject without seeming to get to the point. That confuses males. We need to know what’s expected of us, and how long it will take, in order to feel comfortable and more easily process what’s been said. Getting my wife to let us know when she is changing topics has been a big help for me and my son in being able to follow along better when she is talking to us.

Here’s an example of female riddle-speak. My wife and I are driving down the highway. Things are going along just fine until she says, “That’s an interesting-looking antique shop we just passed.”

I say, “Yup.”

Silence permeates the interior of the car, and we continue down the road.

Twenty miles later, my senses start tingling and I detect something is wrong. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, I’m trying to figure out why my wife’s mad at me.

“It’s because you didn’t stop at the antique store like I asked you to,” she snarls.

Now, in my steel-trap mind, I’m doing several things. First, I’m trying to figure out what antique store she’s talking about. And second, I’m trying to calculate how I missed doing something she asked me to do. I’m literally dumbfounded. I’m pretty sure she didn’t actually tell me she wanted me to stop at any antique store, but if she says she did, maybe she did. I’m wrong more often than not about things like this. At least, I always seem to be the one apologizing. And besides, I don’t even remember the conversation all that well.

But by now, concerns about whether we’ll get back in time to watch the football game on television have started crowding into my mind, so I just mutter, “Sorry.” Then I spend the rest of the day trying to make up for it.

I’ll do almost anything my wife asks me to do, but she has to ask in a way I’ll understand. I don’t take hints well, and I certainly can’t read her mind. After twenty-three years of marriage, I’m beginning to catch on to this female riddle-talk. But now, with a teenage daughter trying to perfect it as well, I’m confused all over again.

Moms, speak plainly to your boys. You’ll save all of us a lot of headaches. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

Touch, Eye Contact, and Sound Bites

A boy’s mind is easily distracted. He does, however, react well to visual stimulation, noise, and physical contact—the old hunting traits. So try the touch-sight-sound approach to get his attention.

First, remove distractions from his line of vision. Turn off the television or at least mute the sound. Contrary to what we may say, men (and boys) are not capable of reading the newspaper and listening to you at the same time. Our brains are not wired to be able to do several things at once. It’s why we can focus with fierce intensity and accomplish great things, but our multitasking skills suffer for it. My wife might be able to watch television, talk on the phone, bandage a kid’s wound, and cook dinner all at the same time, but I can’t.

Second, touch your boy to get his attention. Gently put a hand on his elbow or shoulder. As soon as he looks at you, make eye contact with him. Feel free to use a variety of facial expressions. Remember, boys are very visual, so a memorable look from you might make a big impact. In fact, I encourage you to develop a look. My son, at an early age, started getting a little edgy whenever Dad was giving him “the look.”

I remember one of my eighth-grade teachers. Her name was Ms. See, and she taught Science Fiction, a reading class. She was quite attractive, but she had a laser-beam glare that could shut down the most smart-aleck delinquent in a matter of seconds. We used to joke that we could feel her look boring into the back of our heads like a drill without even seeing her. She never had to yell or raise her voice. She’d just give us the look for about ten seconds, and we’d slink off to a corner to hide. Nobody disrespected Ms. See.

Third, speak succinctly in small, sound-bite-size sentences. Keep your comments short and to the point, such as, “Don’t do that anymore,” or “Why? Because men don’t act that way.”

My wife tends to give our kids long lectures. She feels that’s her duty. Maybe so, but after about sixty seconds of lecturing, I can see the kids’ eyes starting to glaze over. After two minutes my head starts nodding. Eventually, she’s angry because the kids aren’t listening, the kids are resentful because they’re always getting lectured, and I’m just trying to keep the peace. Lectures have their place. But they’re like triple-fudge chocolate ice cream—a little bit goes a long way. Constant long-ranging conversations are difficult for a boy to track. But periodic well-chosen conversations will likely give him a more relaxed attitude about coming to you.

Keep in mind the age of your son and the appropriateness of your communication style. For instance, lecturing a three-year-old on the dangers of touching a hot stove would not be very effective. A tersely said “No!” would be a more effective form of communicating that message. As boys get older, life experience stories seem to work better than lectures. Also, asking a boy what he thinks about a subject is a good way to get him talking about an issue.

Communicate that you are always there for your son. Then respect his communications as privileged. I’ve never felt more betrayed than when I’ve spoken to my wife (or my mother when I was younger) about a sensitive, heartfelt subject, only to find that she had discussed it with one of her friends. Women process information by discussing it with other women, but males feel this is a breach of confidentiality. This can be particularly disturbing to a young man trying to develop a trusting relationship, especially in a single-parent situation.

Try speaking softly sometimes. Often you have to yell at boys to get through to them, but sometimes changing the volume or tone of your voice works wonders. Whisper; it sparks their curiosity.

Finally, have him repeat what you said and ask if he understands. That’s all there is to it. There’s an old acronym used for putting information into computers—KISS stands for Keep It Simple, Stupid, meaning the less complicated the message that goes in, the less chance it will become messed up coming out. Boys are like computers. The less complicated the data they have to process, the better.

For years, the Portland Trail Blazers professional basketball team employed a radio and television announcer, an icon named Bill Schonley. Schonley had a special saying for a quick slam-dunk-type play: “Bingo, bango, bongo—lickety brindle down the middle!” That’s how best to communicate a message to your son—bingo, bango, bongo! Short, sweet, and to the point. If you feel the need for lengthy conversation, you should probably call up a girlfriend—it’ll be a lot more satisfying for both you and your son.

Taking these approaches to communicating with your boy may initially require a little more effort, but it’s easier than having to yell at him four or five times, threaten him, punish him, and in the end finally ruin your day too.

Reinforce with Activity

If you want to talk to your son (or any male in your life, for that matter), try talking to him while doing something he enjoys. Four words strike fear into every male’s heart: “We need to talk.” Men can talk; we just don’t like to. When I hear those words, I instantly start thinking of what I could possibly have done wrong and searching for excuses why I did it. Those words usually signify a problem to a man, and men only talk about problems when they mean to blame someone or ask for advice. They don’t solve problems by talking about them. If a woman is really upset, a man assumes she’s blaming him for something.[25]

Frank Pittman says it this way in his book Man Enough:

Men hear anything a woman says with strong emotion as just hysterical carrying-on. And while a woman’s anger is as terrifying to a man as the wrath of an angry god, we don’t hear what a woman says when she’s angry; we only hear that she is angry and we strap ourselves in, turn off our receivers, and wait in terror for the storm to pass. When we men have any important message to deliver, we deliver it as logically and unemotionally as possible. We know that what we say when we’re angry should be ignored, and our friends do us the favor of ignoring it. We often wish women would do the same.[26]

Males are at a disadvantage in conversations, because females generally have better language skills. I used to resent the fact that my wife could manipulate conversations to her advantage due to her superior communication skills. Naturally, this meant I was guaranteed to lose any argument we entered into, whether I was wrong or not (of course, I was always wrong). In my frustration, I would tell her, “Just because I can’t express myself adequately doesn’t mean I’m wrong.” I find it interesting that most men take it for granted that they will be the ones apologizing for any disagreement they have with their wives. That’s probably not a good way to start a conversation.

As a casual observer, I’ve watched on a number of occasions mothers and their sons in heated discussions about one thing or another. Often, the mother, with her superior verbal skills, is capable of dominating the conversation. Frequently, the frustrated boy ends up resorting to anger to make himself understood. The Bible exhorts fathers not to exasperate or discourage their children. The same applies to mothers.

On the other hand, I’ve witnessed mothers use their communication proficiency to help their sons express themselves beautifully. I saw one mother skillfully and patiently draw out her son’s thoughts, helping him realize emotions he wasn’t even aware he was feeling, all the while building him up and making him feel good about their relationship. It was quite inspiring to see her using her gifts for such a good cause.

I confess that I dread having those “meaningful” discussions with my wife on the confines of the couch. It’s like being shackled in a dungeon. I can almost hear the oppressive dirge music playing. But let her take me golfing or hiking, and I’ll talk to her all day long! What is more, I’ll talk about what she wants to talk about. And, I admit, I’ll probably be more receptive to her concerns.

The same thing applies to boys. Take your son somewhere fun and talk to him during the activity. Shoot some hoops or take him someplace special. If you can’t shoot a basketball, just catch it and throw it to him while he shoots. Take him to the carnival. Be sure to let him win a prize for you at the target-shooting game. Take him in the woods to collect bugs or frogs. You don’t have to handle the critters, but just being there signifies to him that you care. Also, a positive memory of a good time will reinforce whatever you talk to him about.

Why does this approach work? I suspect doing something the boy enjoys takes the pressure off having to think and talk at the same time. This may not make sense, but I don’t know of any other way to explain it. Maybe it removes the emotions from the discussion, creating an easier environment for males to express themselves. Having a physical outlet makes males more comfortable than making eye contact. This is a lifelong attribute of males. The other day I was being interviewed by a case worker for the Big Brothers Big Sisters organization in preparation for becoming a big brother for a young fatherless boy. After an hour of conversation, she asked how I would best communicate with a boy. I stated, “We would do something physical. Just having sat here and talked for an hour has me jumping out of my skin! I feel like getting up and pacing around the room.” The tension I was feeling was literally palpable—it was all I could do just to sit still!

Males need to move, especially when they are upset or when they are problem solving. They also need to think about their feelings before they can express them, unlike women who can think, feel, and talk all at the same time.[27] Performing a physical activity allows them to think before having to answer.

This might appear to contradict the idea of removing distractions before speaking to boys, but this tactic applies to situations where a longer discussion is required—times when more than sound-bite-size sentences are needed. This might be a good technique to save for lecture-size topics. Also, presenting lectures in a problem-solving format can make it easier for your son to take ownership of the discussion. Males instinctively try to solve problems. Say something like, “We have a problem, and I was wondering if I could get your help in solving it.”

Here’s another tip. The best places to take boys are (1) a gravel pit, (2) a construction site, or (3) the dump. Men know this—women don’t. Here’s why these places rank high on a boy’s list of activities.

Gravel pits are just plain cool! You can find all sorts of treasures, such as rocks, arrowheads, old bottles, or fossils. If you take your son to a gravel pit, let him collect and bring home plenty of cool rocks! So what if his room is filled with rocks, dead (or live) bugs, and animal skeletons? It’s just a room.

Construction sites have big, powerful pieces of machinery and heavy equipment. They’re loud and dirty and filled with sweaty, burly men. Boys (and men) stand with their mouths open in awe for hours, watching the goings-on.

Strategies for Conversing with Boys

1. Make a point in one or two sentences, not much more.

2. Tell a story or anecdote to illustrate the point.

3. Ask for a response. If none is forthcoming, try asking for a story. “Is there a time you did something like that?”

4. Listen for the key word or words in the response. These words usually will involve primary feelings, either in direct language or by reference—afraid, hurt, Wow!

5. Use those key words as your entrance to the continuing conversations. “What were you afraid of?”

6. Don’t be afraid to allow silences in the conversation. Sometimes boys need time to think or process.

7. As conversation deepens, it’s often useful to be doing something together, not just sitting across the table trying for eye-to-eye emotive intensity.

8. As much as possible, end conversations with an invitation for the boy to have the last word. Let him end the conversation.

9. Bring it up again in some other way as needed. So often, boys don’t “get it” just one time around.[28]

I’m not sure what the fascination with the dump is all about. It may have something to do with ritual male bonding. My son speaks in reverent tones about our past trips to the dump. In fact, I still like to go to the dump with my dad. Maybe it’s just because they’re dirty and smelly and there are no women around. I do know that my son, even as a teenager, will jump at the chance to go to the dump. Besides, the best stories always happen at the dump. Like the time when my brother and I were seven and eleven years old and a seagull “bombed” my stepfather’s forehead. That’s still a good story to tell around the kitchen table when we get together.

Admiration and Respect

Men and boys typically require admiration and respect even more than they do love. Does that surprise you? As a man, I like being loved, but what I really crave from my wife and children (especially my wife) is respect and admiration.

In twenty-three years of marriage, I can vividly remember two things my wife, Suzanne, has said to me. Once, after we had both read an action-adventure novel where the protagonist overcame great odds, she said the hero reminded her of me. Wow! I don’t think she thought much about it, but to me it was like she was showering me with love—she admired me! And, at least by my interpretation of her comments, she considered me a hero. I believed the story’s hero to be a man’s man—competent, strong, tough, and able to solve any problem through action and perseverance.

The second thing she said occurred about three years ago. I was asked to go on stage at our church with my family and give my testimony during each of eight Easter weekend services. After it was all over, Suzanne and I were talking about our weekend’s experiences. Suzanne offhandedly said, “I’m so proud of you. All those other women in church were looking at me and wishing it was their husband on stage.” I know she didn’t understand the power of that statement. But the catch in her voice conveyed her excitement to me. I was ready to climb the Empire State Building for her. She could have asked me for anything at that moment, and I would have killed myself trying to get it for her. My wife was proud of me.

All males, big and little, want the women (including moms) in their lives to be proud of them. We enjoy impressing our ladies. When I think about it, most of my life’s accomplishments have come about, either directly or indirectly, as a result of trying to earn my wife’s praise and approval. It’s not always a conscious decision, but the desire for her respect and admiration is always in the back of my mind. There’s nothing I want more than for my wife to be proud of me. I suspect most males are motivated in a similar fashion. Your son wants you to be proud of him and is motivated by that desire. Would you like to reinforce a positive behavior in your son, or even change a negative one? When your son does something you want to encourage, try saying something like, “I really admire the fact that you did that,” or “I respect you for that. That’s how a man acts.” Or if you see another man exhibit a behavior you want your son to emulate, try saying, “I really respect that quality in a man. That’s how a real man acts.” Watch your son’s chest swell when you build him up with the qualities of admiration and respect. And when he warrants it, be sure to tell him that you’re proud of him. He will do his best to try to get that response from you again.

Cooking your son’s favorite meal as a reward also works wonders as positive reinforcement. Yes, I know, it sounds too simple, but it works. We males really aren’t as complicated as you might think.

Likewise, to change a negative behavior, try saying, “Oh, I’m so disappointed in your behavior. I’ve never thought a man would act that way.” He might not like it, but he’ll be thinking about it. Start talking to your son this way from an early age. Give him a standard to work toward. Boys like to know the rules (mainly so they know what they can get away with).

Remember, though, males tend to view criticism not as an opportunity to learn and grow but as an attack on their adequacy or even their masculinity. Many men and boys are convinced that to be criticized implies an admission of failure, inadequacy, or incompetence.[29] Also, I’m sure you’ve noticed the reaction you get from your son when he feels like he’s needed. Consider times when you’ve said something like, “Can you open this pickle jar for me?” or “Could you reach that plate for me?” They usually come strutting over and gladly handle the task Mom needs done—especially little guys. They’ll come running to help Mom do something she can’t do for herself. Males are motivated and empowered when they feel needed.

Communicating with boys is not easy. However, women, with their superior verbal and intuitive abilities, can generally find a way to penetrate some of the genetic traits that hinder a male’s ability to listen, understand, and communicate. We may not always say it, but we always appreciate it when you do.

Questions for Discussion

1. Describe a time when you felt like you were speaking to a brick wall when you talked to your son.

2. What tips have you learned in this chapter that would make communicating with your son easier?

3. Where can you take your son to talk so he can have fun at the same time?

3

What Do Boys Need to Learn to Become Good Men?

God give us men! A time like this demands

Strong minds, great hearts, true faith, and ready hands;

Men whom the lust of office does not kill;

Men whom the spoils of office cannot buy;

Men who possess opinions and a will;

Men who have honor; men who will not lie.

Josiah Gilbert Holland, Wanted

What Is a Man?

When we say someone’s name, our minds instantly picture that person. Different character traits that embody that individual come to mind. When you think of what makes a good man, what character traits come to mind? Here’s what I think a good man is all about. I still get goose bumps when I remember this incident.

On the Friday following the 9/11 terrorist attack against our country, I was scheduled to have lunch with my good friend Jim. Jim is the pastor of a small start-up church here in Oregon. As we stood in line to order our food, Jim leaned over and whispered, “I’m going to pray out loud at noon like President Bush requested.” Jim was really nervous and asked if I had any suggestions on how to go about this. I responded somewhat tritely, but truthfully, “Nope. Better you than me.”

As the noon hour approached, Jim stood up and said in a loud voice to the entire restaurant, “Could I have your attention, please? President Bush has asked the nation to pray for our country at noon today. I don’t want to offend anyone, but we’re going to be praying at our table, and I’d like to invite you to join us if you want.”

A stunned silence greeted Jim’s speech. Frankly, I admit, I was a little embarrassed. Jim sat down, and as we waited the five minutes for noon to arrive, no one came over. Just before we began to pray, a woman approached with her young son in tow and asked, “Could we join you? I think what you are doing is great.”

At the appointed time, Jim began to pray out loud. With my head bowed, I heard the scraping of one or two other people pulling up chairs around our table. Jim prayed out loud for our country, our president and other leaders, our military personnel, and the families of the victims of 9/11. He prayed passionately from his heart. I estimate he prayed for about twenty minutes. During the whole time, I did not hear any talking, music, or even doors opening and closing.

As he finished, I opened my eyes and looked around. What I saw astounded me. The entire restaurant—perhaps twenty-five people, including the cooks and servers—were gathered around our table. Many had tears in their eyes. An entire restaurant had closed its operations during its busiest time of day. The owner came over with tears in her eyes and thanked us, saying, “You can pray here any time you’d like.”

Everyone had stopped what they were doing and had come over to pray, all because of the courage and leadership of one man. It was quite literally one of the manliest displays I’ve ever seen. Now whenever I say or hear Jim’s name, this example of his leadership and courage always comes to mind. I’m especially pleased that the young mother who first joined us brought her son. She showed much courage by being the first one to break the silence with action, thereby freeing up everyone else to act as well. Her son was blessed to have witnessed the courage displayed by both his mother and Jim.

There’s a school of thought that encourages us to “speak it into existence.” For instance, when you tell a man he’s brave, you help him become brave. With that in mind, tell your son all the things you want him to be: courageous, loyal, honest, strong, tender, and compassionate. Remind him of these qualities, and you help instill them within him. Point them out in others so he can see them in action. When you are fortunate enough to witness an example like the one Jim set, be sure to discuss it with your son.

Walter Schirra Sr. said, “You don’t raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they’ll turn out to be heroes, even if it’s just in your own eyes.”[30] Boys have a way of becoming what you encourage them to be.

A man’s primary role in life is to provide for and protect his family. That role requires that a man develop character in his life. Many of you reading this book have been involved with men who did not live up to their primary role in life. During seminars I always ask the single moms what qualities they think make a good man. They generally have some very good responses, often centering on the character traits missing from the men who’ve impacted their lives. Here’s my list—in no particular order—compiled with help from the suggestions of many single moms. These are qualities that come to mind when I think of what a man is. Instill these qualities in your boy to help him become a good man.

Perseverance

It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.

Theodore Roosevelt

The character trait of perseverance is fast becoming lost in our culture. I have owned my own business for fifteen years. During that time I have seen hundreds of businesses come and go in my own hometown. I truly believe I am still in business not because I am smarter or work harder or am luckier than anyone else (although I do believe that God’s grace and blessings have played the biggest role in whatever success I have achieved) but because I have persevered during hard times.

Greatness is born by perseverance in the face of adversity. Few things worth doing are ever easy. As Calvin Coolidge said,

Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan “press on” has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.[31]

Marriages and families also face hard times. Boys must learn to persevere in the face of adversity if they are to struggle forward later, during even tougher seasons of life. Perseverance is probably one of the toughest things for moms to teach their boys. It requires them to resist the urge to rescue their sons when they are struggling.

People today—men in particular—seem to quit more easily than they used to. They quit their jobs, they quit their marriages, they quit sports, they quit school, and they quit life whenever obstacles stand in their way or circumstances become too difficult. I’ve hired quite a number of young people straight out of college. They seem to believe they are entitled to the same pay, working conditions, and job status as their fathers, who have been in the workforce for twenty-five years. When that doesn’t happen right away, they quit. In our era of instant gratification, the concept of paying one’s dues has been lost in the rush to acquire as many material possessions as possible as quickly as possible. Perseverance is the art of not quitting. Help your son understand the rewards that await him by overcoming difficult circumstances.

Let your boy suffer if it means finishing a worthy task. I’m convinced we do our boys a grave disservice by saving them from every kind of suffering while they are growing up. While it’s natural for a mom to want to try to keep her children from suffering, hardship tends to develop character all the same.

Perseverance is one of those qualities that builds strength of character. And really, when it’s all said and done, the only thing a man has that can’t be taken from him is his character.

Loyalty

The soul of me is very selfish. I have gone my way after a fashion that made me the center of the plan. And you who are so individual, who are so independent a spirit, whose soul is also a kingdom, have been so loyal, so forgiving, so self-sacrificing in your willingness to live my life. Nothing but love could have accomplished so wonderful a thing.

Woodrow Wilson

The preceding quote was in a letter from Woodrow Wilson to his wife, Ellen Axson Wilson, dated September 23, 1913. Wilson’s wife had wanted a career of her own, and Wilson was not ignorant of her self-sacrifice. This letter sums up his attitude toward his wife. A year later Ellen Wilson died.

It’s interesting that Wilson equated forgiveness and self-sacrifice with loyalty. These are the characteristics many mothers exhibit toward their families.

I was stunned the first time I heard Stu Weber, the senior pastor at our church, say, “There are things worth dying for—things that are more important than life itself. Things like loyalty and freedom.” He’s right. There are things worth dying for—even today, especially today. It’s just unpopular to say so in our current social climate.

How do you develop loyalty? You teach loyalty by being loyal. Does your son believe that you always have his best interests at heart—even when he’s angry because you won’t let him do what everybody else is doing? Does he know that you will stand by him even when everyone else is against him? Does he know that you would die for him? Make sure he knows. That’s an important fact to know—that someone would be willing to die for us.

Wherever Ellen Wilson learned loyalty, she certainly showed it in such a fashion that Woodrow Wilson recognized it and cherished it in her.

God bless loyal people—I love loyal people. People who will stick with you when all else is in turmoil. People who will still love you even when they know you. People who, despite your human failures, still believe in you. Those are the kind of people I want in my life.

Manners

This is the final test of a gentleman: his respect for those who can be of no possible value to him.

William Lyon Phelps

Teach your son how to treat others. Politeness is just plain good manners, and good manners never go out of style. Manners show respect for others, regardless of their status or attitude.

Perhaps the best model to hold up to boys is the Boy Scout credo: “On my honor I promise to be trustworthy, loyal, helpful, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent.” Not a bad model for a young man to aspire to, is it?

I believe each of us has been blessed by God with individual gifts. Some people have athletic ability, some have been blessed with intellect, others are great orators or writers, and some are destined to be great leaders. In trying to determine each of my children’s God-given gifts, I’ve come to the belief that my son has been blessed with the gift of likability. Everywhere we go, whatever situation he is involved in, people like him and are drawn to him in a remarkably short period of time. I think, after observing this phenomenon for the past several years, that it is at least in part due to the fact that he is unfailingly polite and equally open to everyone—except his sister, of course.

Even when treated rudely, he continues to be polite to others, and they eventually respond in kind. I’m not sure how he learned to hone this gift (he certainly didn’t catch it from me). Nevertheless, it works. Consequently, people want to spend time around him, are compelled to help him, and want to see him succeed. The gift of being polite and well-mannered opens doors for him that might otherwise be closed and will probably help him to be successful throughout his lifetime, no matter what he chooses to accomplish.

Courage

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Edmund Burke

As stories began to emerge from the survivors of the South Tower of the World Trade Center, several people mentioned a mysterious young man who stepped out of the smoke and horror to lead them to safety. They did not know who this man was who saved their lives, but they did remember this: wrapped around his mouth and nose was a red bandanna.

For seventy-six minutes, the man in the red bandanna barked orders and led people down stairwells to safety. He said, “I found the stairs; follow me.” He carried one woman down fifteen flights of stairs—on his back—while leading others to safety, urging them to keep going down. Then he headed back up the stairs.

Upstairs, a badly injured woman was sitting on a radiator when the man with the red bandanna over his face came running across the room and said, “Follow me. I know the way out. I will lead you to safety.” Then he led several survivors to a stairwell that took them to safety. He was never seen alive again.

Six months later, on March 19, 2002, the body of the man with the red bandanna was found intact alongside the bodies of firefighters in a makeshift command center in the South Tower lobby buried under 110 stories of rubble.

Slowly the story began to come out. Welles Crowther graduated from Boston College, where he played lacrosse, always carrying his trademark red bandanna. His dad always carried a blue one. In high school Welles was the kid who would feed the puck to the hockey team’s lowest-scoring player, hoping to give his teammate his first goal. At sixteen he became a junior volunteer firefighter, following in his dad’s footsteps. After college he joined Sandler O’Neil and Partners and worked on the 104th floor of the South Tower. He always carried change to give to street people. His dream was to become a firefighter or public servant. On September 11, at the age of twenty-four, Welles Crowther became both, as well as a hero—the “man in the red bandanna.”[32]

Welles Crowther showed one kind of courage—physical courage. Other kinds of courage are just as difficult and just as heroic. Courage is simply doing what needs to be done even though you’re scared and tired.

Teach your son to lead courageously, to stand by his convictions even when they may result in pain, sorrow, or negative consequences. Someday he will lead his own family. Fathers are faced with tough decisions every day. The question is, do you want him to lead with courage or cowardice?

My daughter, Kelsey, is one of the bravest people I’ve ever met. She was born with a bilateral cleft lip. Her upper lip was open in two places, never having formed together, from the lip all the way up to her nose. She has undergone a total of six surgeries—the first at two months of age. If she was ever scared going into surgery, she never showed it. At age fifteen she has developed into a gorgeous young lady (funny how God works, isn’t it?). However, she still has noticeable scars on her lip. Our family doesn’t notice them, but rest assured, Kelsey does—especially through all the angst and self-consciousness of the teenage years.

A female friend of mine put Kelsey’s dilemma into perspective for me. We were eating lunch one day, and she said, “I notice you have a cold sore on your lip. I bet you think everyone is looking at you, don’t you?”

“I know they are,” I replied.

“Well, then you’ve gotten just a small taste of what your daughter faces every day.”

Wow! That comment really punched me in the gut. I finally came close to understanding my daughter’s situation. Worst of all, I know she was subjected to cruel teasing from other kids during her primary school years.

What makes her so courageous? Despite knowing that everywhere she goes people will not only look at her lip but also ask about it, she still does not let it keep her from doing whatever she wants. She continues to expose herself to vulnerable situations, such as trying out for different sports, seeking out church activities, going to new schools, and attending summer camps—usually places where she doesn’t know a soul. With the heart of a lion, she faces these fearful situations.

That’s the kind of courage your son needs: the courage to continue to do what is right even when all those around him are calling for him to compromise. The courage to get up and go to work every day when he hates his job. The courage to stay married when it would be easier to run off with the woman from work who “really understands” him. The courage to live after a child has died. The courage to face, and possibly even overcome, a life-threatening disease. The courage to speak out against immorality when no one else seems to care. The courage to stand by his convictions in the face of overwhelming criticism.

Compassion

But when he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him.

Luke 15:20

Jesus tells the story of a man with two sons. One day the spoiled younger son said to his father, “Father, give me my inheritance now.” So the father divided his estate and gave the younger son his portion.

Soon thereafter the younger son took all his possessions, cashed in his share of the estate, and ran off to the big city. There he lived an extravagant lifestyle, wasting his wealth on immoral pursuits. Soon he had spent all of his money. A severe famine arose in the land, and he found himself starving. With no other choice, he became a servant to a local landowner. The landowner sent him into the fields to feed the swine, a heavy insult to his Jewish heritage. He was so hungry he would have eaten the slop he was feeding to the pigs, but no one would give him anything to eat. Finally he came to his senses and said, “How many of my father’s hired servants have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and will say to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you, and I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me like one of your hired servants’” (Luke 15:17–19).

With that, he left and traveled to his father’s home, a humiliated, filthy beggar. But while he was still far off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion. He ran and put his arms around him and kissed him. And the son said to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight, and am no longer worthy to be called your son” (v. 21).

But the father said to his servants, “Bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet. And bring the fatted calf here and kill it, and let us eat and be merry” (vv. 22–23).

The older brother was in the field. As he neared the house, he heard music and dancing. He called one of the servants to him and asked what it meant. The servant said, “Your brother has come, and because he has received him safe and sound, your father has killed the fatted calf” (v. 27).

The older son grew angry and refused to attend his brother’s party. His father came out and pleaded with him. He said to his father, “These many years I have been serving you; I never transgressed your commandment at any time; and yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might make merry with my friends. But as soon as this son of yours came, who has devoured your livelihood with harlots, you killed the fatted calf for him” (vv. 29–30).

The father replied, “Son, you are always with me, and all that I have is yours. It was right that we should make merry and be glad, for your brother was dead and is alive again, and was lost and is found” (vv. 31–32).

This story illustrates the aspect of forgiveness found in compassion. Another aspect of compassion for men is safeguarding the weak.

Is there anything worse than a bully? Is there anything less manly than a thug who picks on those weaker than himself? Point out everyday examples of bullies, and explain to your son the ramifications for everyone involved in each scenario. Use examples such as the mugger who steals old people’s social security checks, the husband who physically or emotionally abuses his wife and children, or the boss who verbally or sexually harasses an employee.

A man should defend those who cannot defend themselves. Teach your boy early in life the nobility of protecting the weak and helpless.

It’s pretty normal for boys to get into playground scuffles from time to time. Most mothers become quite upset when their sons are involved in these skirmishes. However, without advocating violence, I believe there are times when a male—man or boy—must defend himself or those who are helpless.

Let’s imagine for a moment that your seven-year-old son is at school one day. The classroom bully has decided to pick on the smallest boy in the class—one who also has several physical challenges, which prevent him from running away or defending himself. Everyone in the school is afraid of this bully, because he’s larger, stronger, and more aggressive than any of the other kids. School authorities have suspended him several times.

On this particular day your son notices a crowd of kids just off school grounds. As he approaches he notices that the bully and his cronies have the small boy in the middle of a circle and are taking turns pushing him and verbally abusing him. The level of violence is escalating to the point where the pushes are becoming punches of greater and greater intensity as the small boy can only cry in his fear and frustration. Your son realizes there are no adults around to help.

Your son knows that if someone does not do something, the small boy could be severely injured. Swallowing his fear, your son steps forward and says, “Knock it off! Leave him alone!” Now the bully and his flunkies turn toward your son like a pack of hyenas. The bully soon attacks, and your son has no choice but to defend himself as best he can. A teacher finally arrives and hauls both boys off to the principal’s office, where they are suspended for fighting.

How would you handle this situation?

A wise mother lets her son know that while she doesn’t condone fighting, under those circumstances, she’s proud of his actions. Also, he should be allowed to suffer the consequences of his actions (suspension from school for fighting) without your intervention. No, it’s probably not fair under the circumstances, but life’s not fair, and the suspension reinforces that there are consequences to his actions. This will cause him to think through such situations in the future and not just react emotionally. This is also a good opportunity to talk to him about other ways to respond when he finds himself in a similar situation in the future.

Self-Discipline and Self-Control

I think of discipline as the continual everyday process of helping a child learn self-discipline.

Fred Rogers

Self-discipline and self-control are different yet inexplicably interwoven. Self-discipline is doing something we don’t want to do but should. Self-control is not doing something we want to do but shouldn’t. The lack of one or both of these character traits sinks more men and destroys more lives than any other character deficit. The absence of either of these traits leads men into addictions to drugs, gambling, pornography, drinking, and adultery—all of which are family destroyers and soul killers.

Self-discipline and self-control keep a man from doing things in private that he would never do in public. They are inner strengths a man develops over time with exercise, like a muscle. Typically, if a man lacks self-discipline in one area of his life, he lacks self-control in other areas of his life as well.

How does a boy develop self-discipline and self-control? He develops them by being held accountable for his actions. If his going to a movie is predicated upon his cleaning his room and he doesn’t clean it, then he can’t go to the movie. If you tell him he can’t have any ice cream if he doesn’t eat his dinner, then no ice cream if he doesn’t eat his dinner—even if the rest of his siblings get ice cream. If he’s disrespectful to you, he doesn’t get to watch television that night. Stick to your guns, even if it’s been a while since the infraction and he’s been well behaved during the interim. If you give in, you’ve lost. Once he knows he’s not accountable for his actions, you’ve lost his respect and any control you had over him. He might throw a fit or make things uncomfortable for a while, but once he learns that you mean what you say, he’ll accept it. Hang in there. If circumstances dictate, all of us are capable of enduring more than we think possible. It might not be easy or comfortable, but it’s possible.

I once saw an episode of the television program Cops where a seven-year-old boy being raised by his mother locked her out of the house. The police had to break down the door and forcibly make the boy obey his mother. It was terribly embarrassing to watch this small boy terrorize his mother and stymie two full-grown policemen. It was a perfect example of a boy without any accountability in his life.

Think of the men in your life who have let you down, and see if the words self-discipline or self-control come to mind when you say their names. In this instant-gratification world we live in, self-control and self-discipline may be the greatest gifts you can give your son as he grows into manhood.

Dependability

Can he be counted on? Is his word his bond? Are his wife, children, and friends confident that he will be there for them when times are tough? A man who is dependable can be counted on to do what is best for you and others around him.

Your son needs to understand that no man is an island. His choices and the decisions he makes affect other people’s lives whether he is willing to admit it or not. Our decisions impact others’ lives like a pebble dropping in a pond creates ripples across the surface. When your boy becomes a father, his decisions will create ripples in peoples’ lives for generations thereafter.

Honesty

But you must pay for conformity. All goes well as long as you run with conformists. But you, who are honest men in other particulars, know, that there is alive somewhere a man whose honesty reaches to this point also, that he shall not kneel to false gods, and, on the day when you meet him, you sink into the class of counterfeits.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

The dictionary defines honest as “free from deception, truthful, genuine, real, reputable, credible, marked by integrity, frank, upright, just, conscientious, honorable.”

One of the hardest things for men to do is admit when they are wrong. While that’s probably not earth-shattering news to most of you, be aware that boys struggle with the same natural inclination. Men are taught from a young age to always be right, to know how to fix things, to have all the answers. It’s a heavy burden—one that is compounded when men are not honest enough with themselves and others to admit they are human. Men fall into a trap of believing they have to be perfect. It’s a no-win situation, and we can start remedying the problem by teaching boys how to admit when they are wrong. Males have a much easier time being truthful with others if they are honest with themselves first.

In order to do this, a boy needs to learn about his own individual strengths and weaknesses. Some weaknesses, such as a lustful nature, are inherent in most men. By being honest with himself, a boy can be aware of potential character pitfalls. For example, most people would consider me to be a diligent, hardworking man. And I am—but only because I know myself to be lazy by nature. I force myself to work hard (through self-discipline), because I know that if I don’t, my natural inclination toward laziness will surface and prevent me from fulfilling the destiny God has planned for me.

Talk to your son about his God-given strengths and weaknesses. When my son, Frank, was in the later elementary school years, it became apparent that he probably would not become a star athlete. Not because he wasn’t physically capable or coordinated enough but because he did not seem to have the drive or competitive desire—the “fire in the belly,” if you will. Rather than force him to be a sports star (as was my initial inclination), I chose to focus on his strengths. Frank was very intelligent and loved music. I encouraged him to join the band and learn a musical instrument. I said, “You know, when I was in high school, I’d look up into the stands, and those guys in the band always seemed to be having such a good time. Plus, they get to hang out around the cheerleaders and get out of school and travel to all the games.” Whenever we watched college basketball or football games on television, I was quick to point out the camera shots of the band members goofing around with their faces painted. I also casually mentioned that the band members get into all the games free and that if they play for a college that is a national powerhouse, they get to attend championship games most people never will.

Frank joined the band in sixth grade and has continued playing in the band up into college. He has enjoyed himself immensely and has learned to play several instruments that will give him joy throughout his life. His experiences were positive in nature, which allowed him to develop a healthy self-esteem, whereas he might have struggled with his self-image had he been pushed into sports.

Let your son know early on that you expect honesty from him at all times—then model that behavior yourself. A man who is honest with himself is honest to others. Little white lies to protect someone’s feelings are not necessarily innocent. The art of diplomacy and good manners will serve your son better than a small lie.

Humility

Life is a long lesson in humility.

James M. Barrie

Most young men are filled with pride—I was. Humility allows men to achieve great things for a purpose higher than themselves. This includes putting their family’s well-being ahead of their own wants and desires.

Humility seems to have a bad rap today. If someone, especially a man, is called humble or exhibits humility, the connotation is that he is a wimp. Humility is somehow associated with being humiliated, while pride is looked upon as a virtue. Young men are supposed to be confident, cocky, overachieving go-getters—to never admit they’re wrong. However, The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines humble as (1) “not proud or haughty,” (2) “not pretentious; unassuming,” (3) “modest.”

All in all, those are pretty good character traits. Some of the wisest, happiest, and most successful men I know are extremely humble individuals.

Humility is the opposite of pride. The Bible says about pride, “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall” (Prov. 16:18); and about pride versus humility, “A man’s pride will bring him low, but the humble in spirit will retain honor” (Prov. 29:23).

The older I get, the more stock I put in humility. Maybe it’s because humility comes with maturity.

Trustworthiness

You shall select from all the people able men, such as fear God, men of truth, hating covetousness; and place such over them to be rulers of thousands, rulers of hundreds, rulers of fifties, and rulers of tens. And let them judge the people at all times. Then it will be that every great matter they shall bring to you, but every small matter they themselves shall judge.

Exodus 18:21–22

To trust someone is to know that he will stand beside you—that he won’t cut and run when the going gets tough. Author Preston Gillham says, “Trust is the confidence that continues to believe, even if what you believe appears to be untrue. To my way of thinking, trust is one step deeper than faith.”[33]

One of the ways I determine a man’s character is whether I would trust him to cover my back in battle. Some people (usually men I wouldn’t trust in battle) have commented that it’s a harsh way to judge someone, but I don’t think it is. We are in a war—a spiritual war—and we need people around us we can trust to cover our backs, people who put our well-being ahead of their own.

Talk to your son about what being able to trust someone means to you. If you have trouble trusting due to past experiences, discuss it with him so he can understand how strong a character trait trustworthiness is and how damaging it can be when violated.

Honor

Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.

Lois McMaster Bujold, A Civil Campaign

In the movie Rob Roy, Liam Neeson plays Robert Roy McGregor, a clan chieftain in the early 1800s Scottish Highlands. At the beginning of the movie, Rob Roy has the following conversation with his two young sons about honor:

Son:

“Father, will McGregors ever be kings again?”

RR:

“All men with honor are kings. But not all kings have honor.”

Son:

“What is honor?”

RR:

“Honor is . . . what no man can give you and none can take away. Honor is a man’s gift to himself.”

Son:

“Do women have it?”

RR:

“Women are the heart of honor, and we cherish and protect it in them. You must never mistreat a woman or malign a man, or stand by and see another do so.”

Son:

“How do you know if you have it?”

RR:

“Never worry on the getting of it. It grows in you and speaks to you. All you need do is listen.”

I want my son to have honor. To stand tall as the fierce winds of adversity blow around him. To cherish and protect women and children. To fight for justice and equality. To stand for something.

In this chapter we discussed some of the qualities boys need to develop in order to reach their potential as men. This is not an exhaustive list, nor can you reasonably expect your son to master all of the traits summarized here. However, by being aware of which character traits you admire in men, you can help your son see them in others and develop them as he grows older.

Questions for Discussion

1. Make a list of character traits you want your son to have. Discuss with other mothers why these traits are important in general and to you in particular. How can you help install these traits in your son?

2. Think of the best example you’ve witnessed of manly behavior and discuss it with your son.

3. Tell your son what you think makes a man. Ask him what character traits he thinks are manly.

Notes

Chapter 1  Why Are Boys So Different?

[1]. Gary and Carrie Oliver, Raising Sons and Loving It! (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2000), 54.

[2]. Michael Gurian, A Fine Young Man (New York: Tarcher/Putnam, 1998), 120.

[3]. Oliver, Raising Sons and Loving It!, 66.

[4]. Dr. James Dobson, Bringing Up Boys (Wheaton: Tyndale, 2001), 25–26.

[5]. Oliver, Raising Sons and Loving It!, 55.

[6]. Robert May, The Case for Sex Differences: Sex and Fantasy—Patterns of Male and Female Development (New York: Norton, 1980).

[7]. Dobson, Bringing Up Boys, 33–34.

[8]. Oliver, Raising Sons and Loving It!, 20.

[9]. Christina Hoff Sommers, The War Against Boys (New York: Simon & Schuster, 2000), 95.

[10]. Ibid.

[11]. Ibid.

[12]. John Eldredge, Wild at Heart (Nashville, Thomas Nelson, 2001), 80.

[13]. Hoff Sommers, The War Against Boys, 1.

[14]. Ibid., 14.

[15]. Betsy Hammond, “2004 Academic Achievers Valedictorians Reverse Gender Gap,” Oregonian, June 3, 2004.

[16]. Hoff Sommers, The War Against Boys, 14.

[17]. Ibid., 63.

[18]. Robert Lewis, Raising a Modern Day Knight (Wheaton: Tyndale, 1997), 65–66, originally reported on CBS Evening News, February 9, 1987.

[19]. Oliver, Raising Sons and Loving It!, 35.

[20]. Ibid., 32.

[21]. Ibid., 37.

Chapter 2  Communicating with Boys

[22]. John Gray, Ph.D., Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (New York: HarperCollins, 1992).

[23]. Ibid., 16.

[24]. Ibid., 16–17.

[25]. Ibid., 37.

[26]. Frank Pittman, Man Enough (New York: G.P. Putnam’s Sons, 1993), 230.

[27]. John Gray, Ph.D., What Your Mother Couldn’t Tell You and Your Father Didn’t Know (New York: HarperCollins, 1994), 73.

[28]. Gurian, A Fine Young Man, 237.

[29]. Oliver, Raising Boys and Loving It!, 160.

Chapter 3  What Do Boys Need to Learn to Become Good Men?

[30]. Walter Schirra Sr., quoted in Newsweek, February 3, 1963.

[31]. Calvin Coolidge, “Quoteland,” http://www.quoteland.com/author.asp?AUTHOR_ID=220.

[32]. This story inspired the Fellowship of the Red Bandanna, a ministry of Man in the Mirror Ministries in cooperation with a number of other men’s ministries, and is found on their website, www.maninthemirror.com.

[33]. Preston Gillham, Things Only Men Know (Eugene, OR: Harvest House, 1999).

Rick Johnson is the founder of Better Dads, a fathering skills program designed to equip men to be more engaged in the lives of their children. He develops and delivers father training workshops across the Northwest for businesses, churches, civic groups, social service agencies, hospitals, prisons, and schools. At the request of local school districts, Rick developed a seminar for single mothers entitled Courageous Moms: Raising Boys to Become Good Men, on which this book is based. Rick and his wife, Suzanne, have two teenage children and live in Gresham, Oregon. For more information, visit Rick’s website, www.betterdads.net.

Other books by Rick Johnson

That’s My Son

Better Dads, Stronger Sons

How to Talk So Your Husband Will Listen, and Listen So He Will Talk

The Power of a Man

Becoming Your Spouse’s Better Half

That’s My Teenage Son

That’s My Girl

The Marriage of Your Dreams

Website: www.bakerpublishinggroup.com/revell/newsletters-signup

Twitter: RevellBooks

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