Mental Laxatives for the Constipated Mind

Intermittent Reinforcement

by Rev. Donald Pederson

This particular winter day I stood reverently beside a grave, as I have done so many times in the past, keeping a silent vigil over the casket until the last person had paid their respects and departed. With my ministerial responsibilities at the graveside service of a much loved church member complete, I walked across the landscaped lawns of the cemetery to the site of my grandmother's grave. I examined the newly placed headstone, just as I promised my mother I would. The wording was correct and the design was as specified. I smiled knowing my mother would be pleased.

As it was late December, many of the graves were decorated with miniature Christmas trees, and bright-colored holiday cards. As I reflected on the beauty of the day, a gust of wind interrupted my thoughts and rushed by me carrying with it the Christmas card from a nearby grave. Instinctively, I chased after the card to return it to its rightful place. Uncertain as to which of two graves it belonged; I looked inside the card for some kind of identification. In the brief moment it took to look for a name, I saw the inscription at the bottom of the card and my heart was deeply moved. The card was addressed to Ellen from her son, Robert. The inscription read, "I know I never told you that I loved you, but I am telling you now. I love you, Mom." I closed the card and reverently placed it on Ellen's grave. Walking back to my car, I wondered how many people leave this world without ever hearing those three little words from a relative, a friend, or a spouse.

It is all too often true that, preoccupied with the busyness of life, we forget to tell those closest to us of our love for them, how much we care for them, how much they mean to us. Too often, we mistakenly assume they know it and do not need to be reminded. For some, it takes a tragic event to raise their consciousness to this very real human need and, sadly, sometimes, it's too late. In response, I know some will argue, "I love you," is just a phrase; it doesn't mean anything anymore. I agree that many people use the phrase with as much sincerity as the parting salutations, "Catch you later," "Ciao," "So long," or "Good-bye." But for those whose words are consistent with their actions, the simple phrase "I love you" speaks volumes to those hearing it. It is part of our emotional make up: the need to be reminded of the place others hold us in their hearts.

This need to be loved and appreciated goes beyond family and friends. In all of our relationships, whether home, work, or play, we need periodic words of praise, expressions of appreciation, signs of approval or acknowledgments of respect. As Dr. Larry Dossey, co-chair of the panel on Mind/Body Interventions at the National Institutes of Health, said, "The power of love to change bodies is legendary; built into folklore, common sense, and everyday experience. Love moves the flesh; it pushes matter around—as the blushing and palpitations experienced by lovers attest. Throughout history, â€˜tender loving care' has uniformly been recognized as a valuable element in healing."1 It is a type of healing ointment that lifts our spirits and renews our sense of purpose.

In a visit to Las Vegas several years ago, I learned there is a psychological term to describe this frequent need to hear expressions of love and appreciation. During an official visit to this city, the church leaders were eager to give me a tour of Las Vegas and its surrounding communities. They took me to the snow-capped mountains on the western edge of town to Hoover Dam on the south. We visited four major factories [Ethel M, Ocean Spray, Ron Lee Clowns, Kidd's Marshmallows] in Henderson and toured several casinos on the strip. In the casinos, I was introduced to prominent members of the church who were singers, dancers, hotel managers, and dealers. At the conclusion of my visit, they took me to dinner and then treated me to a hotel show which starred the church's pianist. Waiting in line to be seated for the show, I watched people play the slot machines. I was intrigued by the action. The psychologist in our party, seeing my interest intensify after a player won sixty coins, leaned over and whispered in my ear, "That's called â€˜intermittent reinforcement'." She went on to explain the principles at work.

The Las Vegas casinos have an excellent grasp of the importance of "intermittent reinforcement." The occasional wins on a slot machine keep people playing until exhaustion, frustration, or poverty overtakes them. State lotteries also have a thorough understanding of this concept and use it very effectively. Their promise of riches is supported by nominal wins that keep many hooked on the prospect of one day being a big winner. The more I thought about this, the more convinced I was that "intermittent reinforcement" is what keeps the world moving along.

The United States employs the principle of "intermittent reinforcement" to strengthen its relationship with other nations. Financial aid, humanitarian efforts, sharing of scientific research or weapons are all used in this way to encourage trade relations, treaties, or the continued use of military bases in other countries.

The advertising industry's very life depends on "intermittent reinforcement" in the form of commercials, sales promotions, coupons, and prizes to keep our attention focused on their products and services.

"Intermittent reinforcement" is also important in the workplace. It can take the form of an encouraging word, a compliment, a raise, a promotion, or the acknowledgment of a job well-done. The business world has long known that employees need repeated expressions of appreciation in order to improve their job satisfaction and nourish their sense of self-esteem. When this need is met, employees have a greater sense of their own value as human beings and as members of the team. Workers will feel a sense of fulfillment and take pride in their jobs which naturally leads to greater productivity. Studies have shown that employees will work harder and more efficiently when they know they are needed and their work appreciated. These same surveys have documented the fact that an employee's primary need is not more money but a greater feeling of satisfaction and sense of being appreciated at work.

"Intermittent reinforcement" is an essential ingredient in our daily interaction with one another and also plays a major role in the health and well being of all relationships. We need a recurrent hug, kiss, card, gift, letter; quality time spent talking and listening; a declaration of love, flowers, or telephone ca to remind us of our value to others. This kind of encouragement builds our self-esteem, strengthens our relationships, and promotes mutual respect.

One of the most positive "intermittent reinforcements" from my childhood came from my mother who repeatedly reminded me, "Son, you can do anything you put your mind to. You are very bright and talented." My mother's words boosted my self-esteem, propelling me forward in school and in my career. It is one of the most outstanding gifts she has given me—the belief in myself.

At the conclusion of my visit to Las Vegas, I thought about the many people in my life who need all the encouragement my words of praise could bring them. To better train myself to do this; I turned to my faithful appointment book. Each December, when I mark my friends' birthdays and anniversaries in my new calendar, I also select IR [intermittent reinforcement] days in which to express appreciation, through whatever means appropriate. The first year this felt very mechanical. But in the years that followed, it happened naturally. Since following this personal program, I have watched with renewed amazement at the power that something as simple as a word of praise can have on another human being.

If we were to be honest with ourselves, we would have to acknowledge our need to be loved, appreciated, supported, and encouraged. I believe we need the periodic validation of those we value. While "intermittent reinforcement" may not be critical to life, it is an essential ingredient in the building of a quality life. The best way to experience more "intermittent reinforcement" in our lives is to be a generous giver of the same.

Footnotes

Dossey, Larry, Healing Words, (San Francisco: HarperCollins, 1994), p. 109.

No one dies just from working too hard. But when people don't get any kind of recognition in their work, the stress of that lack of control can kill them. —Barrie S. Greiff

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About the Author

Reverend Donald Pederson received his B.A. in Bible from Southern California College, and focused his two years of graduate work in the study of Church History and Theology at Pasadena College. He was ordained as a Christian minister in 1975. During his years of ministry he has served as a large church pastor, a seminary professor of New Testament Studies, a District Coordinator (or bishop) providing leadership, pastoral care, and spiritual direction to churches in Arizona, New Mexico, California and Nevada. He currently serves as a chaplain to a large Southern California regional medical center where he is guided by his own personal vision statement: "An ambassador of God's love and healing."

Donald is Board Certified in Pastoral Care with the International Association of Christian Chaplains and is a trained conflict mediator through the Los Angeles County Bar Association Dispute Resolution Services. He holds a Teacher Diploma from the Evangelical Teachers Training Association and is an Accredited Graduate Screenwriter with Hollywood Scriptwriting Institute and has written two full-length screenplays. Don's first book was published in 1999. Along with writing, Don enjoys movies, long walks along the beach, country dancing and cooking. Don is a sought after speaker, retreat facilitator, conflict mediator, and spiritual advisor.

Copyright © 2012 Gold Coast Publishing and Rev. Donald Pederson, all rights reserved. Cover photo:Shutterstock.com, copyright: Yulia.

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