FROM BIPOLAR

TO THE CROSS

A real life experience of mental

illness and God’s healing power

Jack E. Bales

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1

Chapter 2: Texas

Chapter 3: St. Louis

Chapter 4: Kennett

Chapter 5: Branson

You and I are Evil but You Can Overcome It

Prophesy of What Our Nation Will Become

Epilogue

Copyright

INTRODUCTION

In 1972, I graduated from high school with visions of being a heart surgeon. My parents lived through the Great Depression, and thus instilled strong work ethics in our family of four children, my two sisters and a brother. When I entered college, I pursued my bachelor’s degree working at the local Pizza Hut and a convenience store. I soon learned that I could not work and take difficult courses such as organic chemistry, physics, and physiology at the same time. My grades suffered tremendously.

The economy and the hiring community were completely different back then. Even though I had no experience, and was maintaining just a “C” average, I applied at the University of Oklahoma to be a research technician. For three years, I worked alongside the very doctors who taught the medical students. In today’s world, I have three college degrees and was not able to get hired by any companies in my career field, so I learned to build my own business - Bales’ Technologies.

Eight years later, I had a grade point average below what was accepted for medical school, but I had gained experience at jobs such as nurses’ aide, surgical scrub tech, pathology assistant, phlebotomist, and anesthesia tech, as well as the three years of experience in medical research. I applied for a position in the Physician Assistant (P.A.) program at the University of Oklahoma medical school, and was accepted for the class graduating in 1983.

Just when I thought I was on my way, I started showing signs of extreme mood swings. No matter how hard I tried, I could not control my behavior. The stress of working and going to school had become unmanageable. My marriage was falling apart, and I had been placed on suspension from the P.A. program for abnormal behavior as well as poor grades.

So what do you do when you lose all your dreams due to a physical mental illness? Who do you blame? Do you blame God? Do you blame others for being judgmental? Do you blame your family for not helping out?

This is the story of the destructive effect of mental illness had on my life, how I had to deal with judgmental, non-trusting, and ignorant people, and how I overcame it with the Bible, and with just a handful of Christian friends.

I want to give special thanks to the Elkins-Hawkins family for helping me get back on my feet, and to Mark Blount and his family for their unconditional love and support through all my tough times.

CHAPTER 1

In 1992, I was going through an earthquake-like disaster of a broken relationship. It shook up my world so much, I tried to commit suicide. I was hospitalized in Lakeland Psychiatric Hospital in Springfield Missouri. The psychiatrist, Dr. Simpson, made the diagnosis of manic-depression, type II—hypomania and depression. It is also known as bipolar mental disorder. It is not an illness that goes away. It is a chronic illness that stays with you until death. It is an inherited disease that can only be controlled through medications and therapy.

Ten years previously, it was not known why I behaved as I did. When I was not able to control my behavior, I was overcome with extreme guilt and shame. Through the 80’s, people who committed bizarre crimes were getting easier sentences for pleading “insanity” due to mental illness, but I hid my illness. Even though I tried to hide the mental illness, guilt and shame led to depression, and stress led to mania. Here are a few of the symptoms that I experienced (cyclical) in the manic state as well as the depressed state:

Manic state:

I would pace the floor for hours at a time, wringing my hands in a state of panic.

I would have panic attacks for being inside or closed-in, I would almost break the door down trying to get out.

I would run until I fell down exhausted, then fall asleep where I fell.

I would do anything for an adrenaline high. I loved being chased. I would knock on doors or windows of stranger’s homes and then run. I did this as an adult.

I never did any physical harm to anyone, but I trespassed and invaded many people’s privacy.

I would go three to four days without sleep before I would crash into unconsciousness. Several times I was caught sleep walking.

I often had racing and uncontrollable thoughts, often speaking rapidly, making my speech incomprehensible. I had trouble focusing on a task. I was fired from several jobs for lack of concentration.

With no control over my thoughts or behavior, I acted on impulse without recognizing what the consequences would be. I was always broke because of impulse buying.

When I became angry, I made threats out of impulse, not thinking about what I was saying. It was a battle to try and control others.

Depressive state:

My thoughts were continually self-defeating, with overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, driving me to suicidal thoughts.

Frustration from self-destructive behavior with no relief made me extremely irritable and angry. I was loud, aggressive, and argumentative

Days without sleep led to unconsciousness. At times I would miss work, not being able to call in.

Concentration and memory problems were prevalent.

Feelings of shame and guilt were overwhelming, and I often thought my only relief was death.

After I was diagnosed, I was prescribed lithium for the mood swings, Xanax to sleep, and Prozac was my anti-depressant. From 1992 to 2011, through various different psychiatrists, I was a guinea pig for different drug cocktails, each having significant side effects. Frustration came after several relapses—the drugs were not working.

I lived with my parents for several years, because jobs were hard to find. I did apply for a job as a Biomedical Electronics Technician in Mayfield, Kentucky in 1997.

I hid from my fourth wife that I was Bipolar until after the marriage in 2001. I had taken a job in St. Louis at Barnes-Jewish Hospital. The supervisor there, limited me to fixing TV’s and computer equipment. I left after a year and a half to go to work for Cardinal-Glennon Children’s Hospital where I actually took over taking care of surgical equipment. I was soon to lose that job because of issues created by my mental illness. Medications and therapy were not working.

In 2009, my wife went home to her mother, and we were separated for a year. I had lost my job and was working for temporary agencies. I filed for divorce and it was final in January of 2010.

I stopped taking medications.

CHAPTER 2: TEXAS

I went through my deepest depressions during this time. I had belonged to the Catholic Church, and now, being divorced, my church friends and the priests saw me as a sick and alone individual, desperate for help. They abandoned me. For the next several months, I spent much of my time in crying spells. I had fallen behind in my rent. Everyone I reached out to for help just said, “I will pray for you”.

I applied for a job at Northwest Texas Hospital in Amarillo, Texas. They knew nothing of the mental illness, and flew me in for a face-to-face interview. I had great skills, and was hired at the conclusion of the interview, flown home, and was given a thousand dollars of relocation money. I actually had to load my furniture with the help of a disabled friend into a small U-Haul, thus leaving a queen size mattress and box springs behind. In the many years of renting, I had never defaulted on a rental contract. I left without notice.

So I began in Texas, with the greatest downfall of my life: following my selfish desires.

No one knew of my mental illness, but without my medications they would soon see the worst of me. I had started attending a Church of Christ “Divorce Care” group. My biggest fear was being alone. In desperation, I developed a friendship with a married, yet separated, lady. She had a son who was a teenager. As we spent more time together, it developed into a more intimate relationship. It ended abruptly when a boyfriend from her past came into the picture. She wanted me to leave her alone, but I could not. I actually confronted her boyfriend, her son, and her, which could have been disastrous. She actually moved out overnight, avoiding further confrontations. I could not find her. She changed the number on her cell phone, and changed her e-mail address. The pain was horrendous.

I put all my mind and heart into my work to try and escape the pain. The supervisor had lost his foot to diabetes and used a cart to carry his leg. With this illness, he was not much of a manager. There were five technicians, including myself, that worked for an outside contractor repairing and maintaining medical equipment for this hospital. One worked at a satellite hospital. He was arrogant and lacked social skills, and was such a problem that we lost the contract. The supervisor could not fire him for he had seniority, and he was allowed to work at our hospital. He was extremely hard to work with. One of the other technicians was very overweight and was slow and seemingly lazy. He sat across from me, and used to talk to friends over the phone for hours while we fell behind on our work. Finally, we had a Hispanic guy that also had diabetes which affected his ability to walk. So we had only one lady technician and myself, who carried the stress, to keep caught up with an ever increasing workload.

Another lady came into my life. Her name was Pam, and she was a dialysis nurse. She invited me to some semi-pro baseball games, which I thoroughly enjoyed. She attended the Baptist church and I attended a non-denominational church in Amarillo. The singles would get together to play volleyball, and that is how we met.

As we dated, our relationship became intimate, yet like an addiction I was drawn into another sexual relationship. I actually moved in with her for a time, while we still attended church. She spoke of a retreat called “The Walk to Emmaus,” three days and three nights finding and developing a relationship with Jesus Christ. Up to this point, I had no real relationship with Christ, just knowledge of Him. I rationalized my sexual relationship because I did not want to be alone. My mental illness and my guilt kept my relationship with Jesus, separate. Pam sponsored me, She paid $180 so I could attend this four day retreat “The Walk to Emmaus.” I did not have the money, and will be forever grateful to her for giving me the opportunity that changed and saved my life. Men of all ages spoke to us over those three days, telling about their true experiences of overcoming their addictions and illnesses, and how it was by the grace and sacrifice by Jesus Christ at the Cross that changed their life. My mental illness, the many rejections, the bitterness towards people and family, had taken its toll, my heart was cold. The final night of the retreat, we were left alone to meditate and pray in the sanctuary. All of sudden, all of us men heard a chorus of what sounded like angels. Into the sanctuary came friends, families, and loved ones, carrying candles in the dark, passing by and expressing love with hugs and handshakes. As they left, I was given my first impression of what heaven was going to be like. I lay flat on the floor and cried openly, surrendering all to Jesus Christ. You see, the vision of heaven gave me hope of a better place than the one which had brought me so much pain.

The battles were not over. The devil had come in and destroyed my life. I had knowledge of God, but no means to fight the illness that I had. I could not let go of the sin, the mental illness, it was all implanted and buried deep into my brain. Far worse times were ahead.

A year went by, and another ineffective co-worker at a hospital in Midwest City, Oklahoma, had fallen behind. All the hospitals are dependent on inspections by government-owned agencies for accreditation so they can receive funding for Medicare and Medicaid. To pass inspections, maintenance must be done on all equipment and properly documented. So the Supervisor sent me and the lazy guy to Midwest City, with an order to work and get the equipment completed before surprise inspections were held. If we failed, we would lose the accreditation, and lose our jobs. Stress! Stress! If that wasn’t all of it, my sister called me on my cell phone, telling me my mother was dying of pneumonia in a nursing home in Tulsa, Oklahoma. I worked until the weekend, and then drove up to see my mom. She had previously been bright, mentally acute, and aware, and could sit up in a wheel chair. When I walked into her room, she looked like she was dead; pale, just barely breathing, and bed-ridden. My heart sunk. I cried for hours.

I spent the rest of the weekend, in her room, and then headed back to Midwest City. I received a call and the nurses said my mother was reacting to the antibiotics and they were heading back to the nursing home. She actually hung on a year and a half after that, in and out of dementia, before she succumbed to a staph infection from cysts she developed from being bed-ridden.

The next week, I spent most of my time breaking up arguments between the two difficult co-workers over not getting any work done. The regional director was now breathing down my neck. Three days without sleep. My complaints went unheard. I was abruptly told to drive back to Amarillo. When I got back I was asked to come into the office. My supervisor, my regional director, and the director of the company I worked for was on the telephone. I was being dismissed for abnormal behavior, and was considered a risk to fellow employees as well as the employer. Oh my God, what had I done! They told me that the motel where I was staying at in Midwest City had video-taped me, wandering the halls, leaning up against doors and walls. A security guard had claimed he asked me to return to my room. I apologized to everyone, telling them I did not remember any of it. Of course no one believed me, and when I confessed I was Bipolar, everyone suggested I commit myself to a mental institution. From this moment on I became unemployable. I collected unemployment until it ran out. I was evicted from my apartment. I was now homeless.

To keep from losing what little I had, a lady from my church, Lisa Nash, stored my furniture and possessions in her garage. A so called friend from St. Louis said he would help me out and with a place to stay while I looked for a job in St Louis. With very little money, I went back to St Louis in hopes of finding a job and getting back on my feet.

CHAPTER 3: ST. LOUIS

I met this man in the divorce care group in St. Louis. He was going through a separation from his wife. As time went on, a friendship developed. We had a lot of interests in common as well as relational problems with spouses. I began to trust him, but you really don’t know who your friends are until you go through bad times. I had lost my job in Amarillo, Texas, so to find a job to get back on my feet, I asked for his help. I needed a place to stay until I found a job. I did not know what was about to hit me.

I had taken what I had in clothes, a computer, a printer, and what I had to live on. I was afraid I would never get back to Amarillo. He let me store a lot of my boxes and clothes in his basement. He did not tell me that he was totally insane when it came to his electric and water bills. He taped his light switches so I could not turn on the lights at night, so I had to use a flashlight to go to the bathroom. He stood by the shower to make sure I was not using hot water, only lukewarm, and I was timed to ten minutes. He would not let me use my computer, for it took up his electricity. It was in June, and the temperatures were in the upper 90’s with high humidity, and he would not turn on a fan or air conditioning.

During this time I applied at every temporary agency in the St. Louis area. I was getting no call backs. I became desperate and even applied to nursing homes in housekeeping and maintenance. No calls. After three weeks, he said I was using up his electricity, and his water, and his bills had gone sky high. He kicked me out and I had to load everything back into my car and leave, I was truly homeless. I drove to the nearest park and lived out of my car for several weeks, washing up only in the bathrooms. I received what I could in food from pantries. With the heat and being eaten up by mosquitoes, I had reached my end. I had planned my suicide by finding an old garden hose and I had found a roll of duct tape in the trash. I was going to stick the hose in my tailpipe, tape it up, run it into the car window, and tape up the window and let the car run, death by carbon monoxide poisoning.

It was dark, I had everything hooked up, I started crying and pleading with God, asking why this was happening to me. I kept trying to find a way out. I could call my sister in Tulsa, but she would not give me the time of day. My younger brother was an alcoholic and drug addict and would not lift a finger to help me. My older sister was on disability from respiratory problems she developed from smoking for so many years. My dad had passed away in 2001 and my mother was in a nursing home with dementia. So I had no family to come to my aide. My friends from St. Louis would not talk to me after my divorce and learning of my mental illness.

There was no one with a loving and caring hand to come to my rescue. I cried so hard I could not breathe. It was time to turn the engine on.

While the engine ran, I waited. It was not an audible voice but a thought that kept repeating “Don’t do it, turn the car off.” It was profound and I kept yelling at the ceiling of my car “Why God, Why?” Another thought invaded my mind “You looked to man for help, but you never trusted me, nor believed in me to overcome your fears. You will call Barnes-Jewish Behavioral Center where you received counseling and medication before, and you will get help.” I shut the engine off and rolled down the windows.

I waited for 9:00 am to call the Behavioral Center and told the lady that I had tried to commit suicide. I was told to go to the emergency room at the Metropolitan Mental Hospital in St. Louis. I did that and was immediately admitted. It was actually a hospital for the criminally insane. I was in a unit where they brought people in with chains on them and police guards stationed around them. I spent a month in here, going to every class available, to learn how to not wind up in the hospital ever again. I prayed and read my Bible. I saw mankind at its worst, screaming, fighting, urinating in front of everyone, cussing, and self-mutilation.

While being here, my mind came out of a fog, and I started seeing that the entire population had one thing in common. They were so focused on themselves that they had no compassion for one another. I realized we are living in a sick society without any hope or faith. No belief in the Bible, no belief in a compassionate Christ, just a bizarre world of individuals, satisfying their own lusts and needs. No respect for the other person.

What happened after this was to confirm what I had concluded. After being released from the hospital, I was released and placed into a residential home. I was placed in a room with three other men who continuously talked out loud to themselves, and one actually looked like Charles Manson. There was no privacy.

I started back to a little Baptist church and it became the only highlight to my week. I had applied for disability and was accepted in only six weeks after filling out the application. The director was going to take all of my disability and give me a $70 per month allowance. While I was there I was constantly bombarded by the fellow mental patients for seventy-five cents to buy a soda from the soda machine. I saw where this was going, I envisioned myself as a human vegetable, taking medications three times a day, and running out of money, not able to grow emotionally and mentally, death by giving up and giving in to insanity. I was being controlled on curfew and monitored where I went, recording on paper where I was going and an estimated return time—a complete loss of freedom.

I still continued to look in the direction of people for help. I had met a lady and dated her many times before I had married my last wife, four marriages and four divorces. She had contacted me after my divorce and we talked frequently over the phone. I began to reach to her for help. She lived in a small town in southeastern Missouri called Kennett.

CHAPTER 4: KENNETT

When I decided to leave the residential home, I thought this was my chance to get back on my feet. Kennett was a hope, a chance to get help. I moved into a duplex owned by a slum lord. The windows and screens had holes in them, and nightly, I would be swatting mosquitoes. It was like a curse. I went and bought mosquito spray and sprayed the duplex, and yet the mosquitos returned. The landlord would not repair the windows, so I had to use duct tape. When the wind came up and blew the shingles off the roof, he took them back up, tacked them down, and then used concrete cinder blocks to anchor them down. I actually felt embarrassed living there. A black lady lived in the other side of the duplex, and when she was evicted, I saw where the walls were coated with dead cockroaches, where she had swatted and left them. I signed a year lease and stayed until the lease was up.

Bad luck and painful times seem to come in waves when you are at your worst. I attended the First Baptist Church of Kennett, where the lady that helped me with getting the duplex attended. I became a member and attended Sundays and Wednesday nights. Everyone knew I was Bipolar, and there was a lot of suspicion and fear of what I might do. I had taken what I was getting in disability and took half each month, (going without food), to pay for a co-op health insurance plan. You see, I could not get any health insurance, I had no job, and Blue Cross would not cover me because I had a pre-existing condition. For me to continue medications, I had to find a psychiatrist and get blood tests. When I did all this, the co-op was not accepted, and I had lost over $600 for that policy. I was billed over $1600 from the doctor and the hospital for the blood tests.

In total frustration and anger, I called the Social Security office and asked the case worker for help. I was so angry, I mentioned a recent event, the shooting of Congresswoman Gibbons, which happened in Arizona, and compared it to what I could be capable of if I did not receive my medication. She called the Sheriff, a deacon at the Baptist church I attended. He came to my duplex, came in and asked me questions, searched the duplex. Would you believe he came back with the entire police force and a pack of dogs and knocked at my door. As soon as I opened the door, I was pulled out, forced to the ground and handcuffed. I was being arrested on a Class A Felony for a “TERRORISTIC THREAT.”

I was on limited disability, and could not even pay for my medical debts. I was facing time in jail as I had no money to pay for bail or to hire an attorney. So a lady paralegal, not even a lawyer, was appointed by the court. She had no capability of properly defending me. I spent seven days in jail. I requested a Bible, and did not get one. A prisoner gave up his King James Version so I would have something to read. I did not understand it, but I read it anyway. I asked my minister to come to the court on my arraignment date, and he never showed up. I was lead into court in leg cuffs, and they wore blisters on my ankles and were extremely painful. I apologized before the court and my sentence was reduced to a misdemeanor “public disturbance” with a two-year supervised probation where I had to pay $30 a month and meet frequently with a probation officer. Anytime a background check was required, the transcript of the phone call was sent, and I was judged not suitable for employment and a high risk for violence.

My car was soon repossessed, and I had no transportation. My friend and her family bought me a 1997 Chevy Blazer in 2010 for two thousand dollars. All my debts were expected to be paid back in time. I was able to pay back the first month’s rent and deposit for the duplex by sacrificing out of my disability. I was not able to get any job with the background checks uncovering my record. I will be forever grateful to this family for their kindness. But as for my lady friend, I could see her fear and her doubts about me grow by the day. After jail, I was dropped for another man. She invited him to church and I was introduced to him. The pain was tremendous, for I truly cared about her. At the time, I felt like she had betrayed me, like the uncaring selfish women in my past.

My eyes were opened! No man or woman in this crazy selfish and sinful world cared about me. In my Bible studies and my prayers, I was growing in strength and in faith. I was learning that there was a man that lived two thousand years ago who sacrificed his life out of love for me. No man or woman, in today’s world, has gone to that length of caring and compassion, bearing the pain and the suffering, and experiencing the betrayal of close friends, that Jesus Christ experienced. Anyone with commonsense can determine that His life was paving the road for us to follow. All those stories of Him, I learned as a child, filled my heart with unconditional love. He filled my heart with forgiveness. I became a new person! My best friend from Texas came to my aid. The Devil was not going to give up in trying to defeat me though, and the selfish people in our society were not going to give up either.

In high school, I was awarded the Sons of the American Revolution Award for Leadership. I won it for helping in charity organizations and Christian activities. It stated that, “Jack Bales, is hereby awarded recognition for his outstanding character and patriotic leadership, thus putting active practice for high ideals and principles which influenced and strengthened the founders of our beloved country, and upon which the future depends.” The people in this little town of Kennett could care less about finding out that I had good intentions, and all I needed was a helping hand. I attended the Sunday school classes after being released from jail, and my eyes were opened to the reality of a dead church and an evil town. After leaving Kennett, I truly felt I could see the gates of hell on its borders. I was leaving to move to Branson, Missouri, a tourist town that was a lifelong vacation paradise; a town my parents returned to annually and finally retired to before passing on.

CHAPTER 5: BRANSON

My best friend came up from Austin, Texas, to help me move. We drove into Branson and I almost got on my hands and knees to kiss the ground. I was home!

I found an apartment complex on top of a mountain, overlooking a forest of trees. It was absolutely beautiful. I was back in God’s Country. A reference my mother often made of Branson.

I was so proud of my apartment. I noticed the neighbors, were all hurting financially as well. I began to know the Jamaican ladies brought here each season to work in the hotel housekeeping departments. I noticed many of us were on disability. The couple living across from me often had the fire truck and ambulance called for many physical ailments, such as allergic-reactions to medication. On the other side of the complex, there were families that called the ambulance for depression. There were many here that had no means of transportation. I had experienced these hardships when I was homeless in St. Louis. I cared because I had walked in their shoes. I even had a young lady that knocked at my door who had been rejected by a boyfriend. I went out of my way to find a safe place for her so she could call her mother to come get her. I never profited from helping those in need, when a computer did not work or an electronic appliance was broken, I repaired them - no charge.

I went to several churches the first few weeks in Branson to find a church that really served the community. In trying to self-manage my Bipolar Disorder, I found that serving others not only kept me from depression but kept me from getting into trouble from my mania.

I had made the decision to finish my Master’s degree in Information Systems Engineering. I graduated with a 3.8 GPA and was inducted into the Upsilon Pi Epsilon, an honor fraternity for computer professionals.

In getting into school, I had to take a loan out for $41,000 from Sally Mae. I started applying for professional jobs in hopes of starting over, a chance to climb out of poverty. But it did not happen. Since I could not get a job, I had to file for deferment, for the government would not recognize my disability. I still to this day, remain in poverty.

In the time from moving to Branson to the present, I had alienated my family and friends. By being poor and mentally ill, I was considered as trash on the street by everyone except my friend Mark and his family, the only ones who cared and believed in me. My older sister is also alienated from my younger brother and my younger sister. My younger sister is married to a millionaire architect and could have helped in all my hardships, but she just ignored my calls. I still keep in contact with my older sister. May God bless her for her unconditional love.

Employers, friends, and family had permanently judged me as risk, a dangerous man, a criminal, incurable and I should not be given any responsibilities - a life condemned to poverty. I did not take drugs or use alcohol. I belonged to a church that was involved in community service. I became a part of their “Christmas” and “Back to School” giveaways. I joined their Prison Ministry, and visited prisons in Fort Worth, Texas, and Oklahoma City (Cushing). I taught the 4 and 5 year olds about Jesus Christ on Wednesday nights for a year. I joined the “Jesus was Homeless” ministry, and taught a class on overcoming mental and physical roadblocks in applying to employers.

When you live in poverty, your teeth rot and fall out. You cannot buy luxuries such as clothes, food, or gas. Living on less than $17,000 per year on disability, you are not only below the poverty line, but you can’t afford health insurance. Before I go on, I want everyone to know that this was forced disability: No one would employ me.

So as you can see, I have not experienced a blessed life. I have suffered from the day of my adoption to present day. Yes, I was diagnosed with a mental illness that a large percentage of your shooters, killers, drug addicts and alcoholics are diagnosed with. By the time I reached the age of fifty-six, I had failed four marriages, filed for bankruptcy four times, was hospitalized four times for depression, and tried to commit suicide twice.

In my relationships (even with God), the number one devastating characteristic that demolished all those bonds was fear. My fear of what I had done in my manic-depressive episodes and the fear of what I might do, put a gap between all of them. There are many stigmas about mental illness that create a painful world to those of us out there that are trying to get well.

In the days of Christ, there was a disease going around called Leprosy. People thought it was contagious and the symptoms so horrible, that they rejected people with it to die alone on the outskirts of the desert. Today’s mentally ill are treated the same. Most of the people that are homeless are mentally ill and have many addictions. They are judged as “once mentally ill, always mentally ill.” I have been judged: by friends, ministers, co-workers, and businesses that I have applied to for jobs, as a menace to society and a threat to the public.

Am I, really? In reality, once I surrendered my life over to “The Cross,” in 2010, my personal life changed. I realized in having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, there was no longer any fear of pain, suffering, betrayal, or loss. Yes, I live in poverty, but I volunteer for the “Jesus Was Homeless” and the Bill Glass Prison Ministry. I continually volunteer in teaching children in our church about Christ and his unconditional love. I no longer judge those around me, and I provide those in need with unconditional love. I offer those that have no transportation free rides to the post office and the grocery store.

Mental illness is often associated with those who are violent and have been glorified by the media. On December 14, 2012, 20 year old Adam Lanza walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut, and without any compassion, shot and killed 14 children and 6 adults. After realizing he was about to be approached by police, he placed a gun to his head and killed himself. Connecticut Governor Dan Malloy addressed the media, that evening of the shootings near a local church and he stated “Evil has visited this community today.”

On Friday, July 20, 2012, James Eagon Holmes, 24 years old, dressed in tactical gear, entered through an exit inside the Century movie theater in Aurora, Colorado, setting off tear gas grenades and then shooting people as they tried to get to escape. Twelve people were shot to death, one a child, and 58 were injured. He was dressed in black, wore a gas mask, a motorcycle helmet, tactical gloves and leggings and emulated an evil character from the movie “Batman” by dying his hair, reddish-orange. Holmes’ attorneys on August 9, 2012, declared their client as mentally ill.

On January 8, 2011, a 22 year old Jared lee Loughner shot and killed six people and wounding U.S. Representative Gabrielle Gifford in a supermarket parking lot at a campaign rally in Casas Adobes, a suburb of Tuscon. In January of 2012, Loughner was found to be mentally incompetent by a federal judge, and was determined to have paranoia schizophrenia. I used this incident as tool in my phone call, to represent the seriousness and my desperation for trying to get help, only to be judged as a “Terrorist.” Christ forgave on being unjustly judged and so did I.

If mental illness plays a major role in violence, then why have I not reacted to the judgments and stigmas of people in the communities in which I have lived. And why do many people that are mentally ill succumb to homelessness, and give up on their battle to fight their illness.

Evil stems from our selfish desires. We battle for love and sex every day of our lives. It all begins with family. We are born with the nature to manipulate others so we can get what we need to survive, food for example. As a baby, we communicate to our parents when we are hungry. Out of love, caring and compassion, our parents feed us. When a parent is thinking of self over the needs of the child, the child goes hungry or is abused. This damages the child, and the child learns to be distant or abusive as he or she encounters relationships in his lifetime. In a recent study, it has been determined that yelling at a child does just as much damage to that child as if the parent is actually hitting them.

So if evil is focusing on satisfying yourself, how do you defeat evil? The Bible was given to us as a guide, to follow, to defeat evil. So if you do not believe in God or the Bible, how do you perceive life? Do you think it is OK to hurt others out of selfish desires? SHAME ON YOU! What causes a mother to go against all of her instincts to kill her child? Without a plan and without a savior, a person with addictions, weaknesses, and of course mental illness, has no weapon to overcome these acts of evil. Our society has become a non-caring society, focused on selfish gains, and has taken away assistance to these people, which my experiences have confirmed. I have no means of obtaining the medications that are so important in battling my Bipolar – manic-depression illness. Every day for me is a battle not to kill myself. With no job, I cannot pay my bills. I was raised by parents who taught me honor in paying bills and meeting responsibilities.

In 2011, I began to apply at the theaters and motels in the Branson area, since Branson is a tourism center. Even though I was physically able and showed recovery from my mental illness, I was rejected every time. At the time of this writing, August 2013, I still have not been able to even score a part time job. I have never been violent, and to this day proclaim that I have a tender heart and continuously serve those that are in the same way.

So you may be wondering where I stand and what my beliefs are? If I have an illness that deserves a life of poverty, and I live in a society that does not care about me, what did I do, and what will I continue to do?

I have learned that God promises you nothing but strength to persevere. I have listened to television evangelists promising that if you have faith and you buy their DVD’s or books you will be truly blessed. So how do you feel when you have faith, you donated your money to their cause, and you wind up homeless. When I was homeless, I wrote many of the ministers asking for help. And the reply back was, “We will pray for you.”

I approached many church ministers and received the same response. With my mental illness, I was considered a modern day leper. No matter how hard I tried, I could not get a job. I continued to live in poverty.

I have continually fought my suicidal tendencies, with prayer and sacrifice. Sacrifice: does anyone know what that means anymore?

A perfect man in every way was sent by God, to not only be a guide for us to treat others with love and compassion, but to die in our place so that we could be forgiven for our selfish sinful ways. Our world has cancer. It continues to grow in our society. Even though you may be in remission, cancer always comes back to destroy your life and death is at hand. The same maybe said for the future of our nation.

I was born in 1954, and I grew up with the Ten Commandments. Prayer was allowed in our schools. Everyone had respect for one another. Crime was not an issue, and often we left our windows open at night and did not lock our car doors, thefts and murders were not as wide spread, as they are today.

I was taught that if you worked hard and kept your integrity, nothing could keep you from the American Dream: a house, a new car, and the ability to pay your bills. My parents taught me from a young age to work hard, be dependable (integrity) and pay all of my bills. I have three college degrees, and our society’s greed keeps me from MY Dream today. I could be angry at the president, or the rich, or the people around me, to the point I could be like Adam Lanza, James Holmes, or Jared Loughner.

Instead of being angry, or killing myself, I surrendered to God and Jesus Christ. I gave over my life to follow in His footsteps. I could not follow Him if I did not read and study the Bible — EVERY DAY. Yes, I go to church every Sunday, and I attend every Bible study that is available. Yes, I have had church members hurt and scar me, from not only what they have said, but from their actions as well. Evil lurks in everyone. It comes out when their selfish needs and addictions take over their thoughts. But it comes down to the choice: Do you want to continue to rationalize your selfish sinful nature, or do you surrender your life over to change for Bible led behavior? You cannot blame anyone but yourself for your condition. If you lose someone close to you in death, and you did not bring them to that change, then you have no comfort but the painful loss, and you mourn and curse God. But if you bring them into a prayerful relationship in Christ, you have comfort knowing that your dear loved one is in a better place. .

After surrendering my life to God, it did not change the world; businesses and even church members still judged me. I still live in poverty, no food, no gas to go anywhere, and not being able to pay my bills. My battle with low self-esteem and self worth has been overcome, even when I am turned over to collection agencies and government funding assistance runs dry. And yet I have been so blessed helping others that I have conquered my illness and continue to persevere.

I want to tell you the story of my many blessings:

Willie works at a convenience store here in Branson. He is married and has five children. He is dependable and works hard and yet cannot meet bills from time to time. I have helped him in the past when no else would, because of charities and churches had a lack of funds. He has two teenagers that require computers to do their homework. I took $50 I did not have and bought him a computer and set it up for him for free.

I put a cross on my door to show my beliefs and prove by my sacrifice that I am a true Christian. A young lady came to my door and knocked on it, crying, and said her boyfriend kicked her out of his apartment. It was below freezing outside, and she lived in another town and had no transportation to get home. I helped her call her mother and her mother came and picked her up. She was safe and at home among loved ones.

There is no means of a transportation system for the poor here in Branson. The cabs charge by the mile and will not wait to take people back home from appointments or the store, and often, the people of my apartment complex wait for an hour or more to get a taxi. In Branson, they bring in Jamaican immigrants to work the hotels in housekeeping, working very hard at low pay. So I drive them around to the grocery store and to Wal-Mart. I have several older people, Ron, a single man, and Babs, a single woman involved in the Kenneth Copeland ministries, have no means of transportation, so I drive them around to Wal-Mart and to the post office. Many of the homeless, who cannot retain funds for deposits for apartments, live in extended stay motels, paying as much as $165 a week, keeping them in poverty

Kevin, who is my best friend, here in Branson, works at a grocery store sacking groceries. We do the Bill Glass prison ministries together, going to Oklahoma and Texas to help inmates make the change. We will always be friends and I am always there to help him out, at all costs.

Finally, there is Daryl, a graduate from The College of the Ozarks, but suffers from severe depression. He worked for 16 years at McDonalds to only get fired due to performance issues. He also has no transportation, and I am taking him around to fill out applications and interviews. I have given him food and money that I did not have, out of compassion. When his electricity was shut off in mid-summer, I went to work setting up appointments with churches where they donated to his electric bill. I told him it was not me working for him but Jesus working through me that cared enough to take time to give him a helping hand.

I am a volunteer for the “Jesus Was Homeless” – “Jobs for Life” which is a program to teach people who have difficulty in getting jobs. We teach them about Jesus Christ’s walk so they can learn the attitude needed to keep a job. We show them how to create resumes and help them practice for interviews. In my first class, I was given the opportunity to teach and mentor. I co-mentored a young man that had a handicap as well, and could not keep a job. He actually lived at home and was 23. He wanted to get out on his own and develop his independence by supporting himself, but no one in Branson would hire him. The first time I talked to him, he showed me how to get into the “Root Directory” on an Android phone (only administrators with codes can normally do that). He told me of his many years of computer repair experience he had gained from family members and friends. My friend Mike, from my Bible study, worked at a motel, and he called me about a ‘master boot problem.” I took the young man with me, and I told him if he won over this customer, I would give him the account. He was totally amazing! He not only solved that problem, but he called Micro-Soft Tech Support and was able to get help in solving a problem with Outlook (an E-mail program). Best-Buy turned him down for a job three times. The other mentor is a public relations man for “Joseph” a major production at the Sight and Sound Theater. Rob has designed and help him to advertise so that he can develop his dream of owning a business and making it on his own. God bless those that help others to succeed.

So, I can’t get a job to pay back my student loan, and I can’t pay my medical bills. I’m not going out killing anyone or beating them up. I have forgiven those that are cruel and sinful, forgiven them unconditionally, and serve them unconditionally, without judgment—just as Jesus did for us on the Cross.

For those of you who sit at home on your couches watching the boob tube, and for those of you who spend your time on your boats on the lake, SHAME ON YOU! I have even seen Christians back away from helping others because it is out of their comfort zone.

Evil comes from self-centeredness, pride, and arrogance. When we do nothing to help others in need, we stand alone, divided, no unity; we have no respect for life and for others. So we cave, just like the Romans did thousands of years ago. History repeats itself until we align with God’s purpose of helping one another. For his greatest commandments are Love God with all your heart, soul, and mind, and Love one another as Jesus loves you”..

I am now going to prove to you that there is NO EXCUSE on this earth that you can use — to not change, surrendering your life to Christ.

YOU AND I ARE EVIL BUT YOU CAN OVERCOME IT

Our society today, puts comfort, freedom, and selfish desires above all the values that made our country great. Society mirrors the family, and families are broken with divorces reaching all-time highs. Our young people are punished for our selfish desires and freedoms. They in turn show this through their psychotic behavior and their escape into the drug and gaming worlds. Our world is mentally ill and is overrun with evil. Evil was present in America in the past, but our values of family brought us together to fight evil. In unity we were strong. Now our country is divided as well, as are our families. With gay marriages, sex rules our lives, not the honor and respect for what was given to us by God’s nature, written in the Bible. Isn’t it interesting when we affect God’s nature, it fights back. With global warming, we have more tornadoes and more deadly hurricanes. So what are the consequences? The Romans found out, for the majority of their society was homosexual, then selfishness, and the destruction of unity which gives a nation it’s strength, at the time of their collapse. I suggest you read the “Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire.” WE, The United States of America, are going down the same road.

No matter what—change is possible. Here is proof:

In 1953 my biological mother was raped, and being a Catholic, her values prevented her from getting an abortion. I was adopted at birth and became a part of a Catholic-based family. At six years old, I was sexually abused by a group of female teenagers. After the loss of my innocence as well as having fears of abandonment, my mother and father instilled strong Christian and work ethics in my mind as I was growing up. My parents had grown up through the Depression, and had developed dysfunctional beliefs about money, which in today’s world led to the separation of my brothers and sisters. My parents had a lot of dysfunction, but they believed in staying together. This gave us unity and a basis of love. I know that during the times when my brother and I were experiencing our worst and rebellious times, they always welcomed us back with open and loving arms—unconditional love—which I cannot find in today’s world.

As I entered adulthood, high school and college, my relationships with women suffered. I not only had a fear of abandonment, but I also saw women as being sexual. This is what defeated me from the start. I had dreams of being a heart surgeon, but they all collapsed when my thoughts shifted form scholastic goals to the manic-depressive illness. My thoughts were so impulsive and compulsive that I lost control of the values that were instilled in me. My selfish desires ruled over me.

Many in my Catholic faith thought I was possessed, and many prayed for me in hopes of healing me. I went to the Oral Roberts campus in hopes of curing this illness (I think this was in 1984). With manic-depression, I have found that there were no one that would stand by me, for I have been through four marriages and there was no unconditional love. Even though they were all raised in churches, they never kept the oath they made during the wedding ceremony, “I will never part from you, even in sickness and health.” Unity and unconditional love was not found in my marriages and in my siblings. In today’s time, it has been found in one friend, one God, and Jesus Christ.

By telling my story, I hope that it will open the reader’s eyes to the destruction that Evil brings. That you have to battle it, in unity, with unconditional love and strong Christian values, to defeat it. Evil comes to us in our selfish thoughts. You cannot overcome Evil with medications, no matter what a doctor says. Evil is obvious in everyone who is jealous, envious, and wants to do you harm.

In my experiences, I had to come to the conclusion that there is Evil, a persona, the Devil acting on my thoughts and actions. So if I were to overcome Evil, there had to be someone I could reach out to. A person or a belief, faith in one, who is loving in every way, who knows me and my thoughts, all my weaknesses, and has a guide, the Bible, to get me back on my feet by following it — to a tee. There is no one on earth today that has that ability to fulfill my need for love and give me strength and confidence, but by having faith that there was a man that was perfect in every way, that walked among us 2000 years ago, gives me courage to look beyond the evil and the selfish people of this world.

Evil was defined by the prominent Psychiatrist, M. Scott Peck as a malignant (cancer) type of self-righteousness, people deceiving themselves through self-deception, and having no conscience, such as sociopaths like Adam Lanza and other serial killers. Often, these people see themselves as better than others, and blame others for their cause of action — having enough hatred and bitterness to kill a fellow human being. They often abuse emotional power, and use it to manipulate and coerce others. I found out that these people are usually the ones who win power in governments and corporate leadership. This in itself proves that the Devil rules this world. If there is Evil then there is good. Nature proves this by physics - the rules and calculations on how nature works. If there is matter, there is anti-matter as well. Only the ignorant or the deceived do not accept the rules of nature. They are deceived into thinking about satisfying their selfish lusts. These people are totally incapable of seeing through their victims’ eyes. They are intolerant of any criticism. They have an incessant need to control others using fear.

Since the beginning of man, stories have been told of harm to one another. In nature, a beast kills for food, but man is superior to the beast in that he has a soul. He has been given the choice to kill or to love. I find it intriguing that if we are in self-control, self-disciplined, and follow the Bible, we can avoid hurting others. But when we are out to satisfy our own self-interests, we create chaos, harm to others, and we go against a nature that has been created for us.

When I was in the depth of my manic-depressive mental illness, my thoughts were out of control. Compulsiveness is when you are drawn to a certain behavior, over and over again, with an ever increasing power over you. Cigarette addiction is a lot like a compulsion. I have so many friends that would kill to get a cigarette. Any addiction is evil. Impulsiveness is a thought pattern that is automatic, without decision, which drives us to act inappropriately. All these behaviors I faced every minute of my mental illness. Addictions and mental illness are a form of Evil. It all stems from the lack of self-control, with thoughts of satisfying our own needs, all going against God’s plan, His nature for us. In my pursuit of education and knowledge of the sciences, I also encountered what every man and woman faces: his sinful nature. I grew up as a child in the Nazarene Church. When I went to college, I went to a Church of Christ. Upon my mother’s request, I became a Catholic. And after I surrendered my Life over to Christ, I became a Baptist. I have a Bachelor’s of Science degree in Biology and Chemistry, an Associate’s degree in Electronic Engineering, and a Master’s in Software and Information Systems Engineering. Technology versus religion is the actual battle in our society’s culture today. With technology, it has brought greed to our nation, a selfish compulsion for money and hoarding it. With studying and listening to the Bible’s stories from childhood to adulthood, I have ingrained the knowledge of the Word into my brain—the love and respect of my fellow man. The following of the Ten Commandments, and the obedience to these Laws of Nature (God) that were given to us to follow to gain that balance, so that good would come to us. But man is weak, prideful, arrogant, narcissistic, and brings only destruction to himself and others. If we know that addictions and mental illnesses are bad for us, then how do we get caught up in them. Upon my experiences and my knowledge there has to be a spiritual realm (the Devil), that we cannot see, that is attacking our thoughts. We have natural desires such as sex, the need for love and acceptance, and the need for food and water. For tens of thousands of years, we have battled one another, killing for these selfish needs. Can you see where I am going with this? Man’s selfish desires are evil. What Christ came here for—is to guide us in obedience, self-control, and SACRIFICE.

If you can see this, Glory to God! If you find wrong with my proof, I will go on. I have learned in my experience with mental illness that my normal thoughts, before the beginning of the disease, was naturally to do good. But during the disease, I fought the compulsion to do bad things. This deviated from my normal behavior, having been raised in the Church. Why then, was my mind being invaded? I came to the conclusion that there is a spiritual entity in the space around me that wants to destroy me and my soul (the conscience to do good). And there are other people around me that also have thoughts of destroying me. The Devil or Satan is the one who is continuously bombarding us with evil and harmful thoughts. I am sure I could get a good laugh out of an atheist on that one. But what is happening to each of us is reality. There is an increase in crime, mass shootings, murder, and natural disasters (chaos). All since Obama has taken office. He and the politicians in Washington have lost all common sense on what brings unity to a nation. Everything from abortions to gay marriages have brought division; again—chaos.

This so called Devil or Satan (names given in the Bible) is invading our thoughts with temptations to do evil, and once we have taken action, folding to the temptation, he stands there and accuses us for doing wrong and that we will never recover from what we have done wrong. Guess what? I would still be stuck in my mental illness if I depended on my fellow man to help me. But it was the knowledge that this entity (Jesus) was out there and there was an angel warrior that could help me to overcome it. It was those words that I read from the Bible and studied, that healed me, not any man nor woman. It is the denial and ignorance of this God that is sending our world to destruction: our personal world including our families, and the politicians, and our corrupted government. Since my surrendering of myself (SACRIFICE) to God, and reaching out to others (SACRIFICE), I have declared war on this Entity (the Devil), and have fought it—each moment—of every day. If we don’t go to battle, we have already lost the war.

PROPHESY OF WHAT OUR NATION WILL BECOME

In the Bible, there is a Book of Revelations that uses symbols and representations of the Evil that will rule our world soon. Possibly in the next ten to twenty years. I have read many articles by futurists that claim technology will take us into the “Star Trek Age.” Proof of what is going on today proves that wrong. Technology is used for greed and power, not for the survival of man. Society has become a self-absorbed culture dividing each and every one of us. The headlines on Yahoo this week stated that 4 out 5 Americans are in or are facing poverty. Out of comfort and luxury, we no longer care or have compassion of other people’s needs. Terrorism and crime is climbing at a monstrous rate. With corruption and greed ruling over our government, there is less respect for the law and more respect for selfish needs. Our government no longer trusts it’s people by passing laws that rule against our privacy and our Constitutional rights. Alarming, isn’t it?

Our country is teetering on a wall, waiting to fall. We are nearing a point where people will attack one another in either riots or mass mobs, to steal and kill. Everyone in our nation will have guns, and they will use them to defend themselves. Mass chaos will rule America the Beautiful. Martial Law will be established, and a full governmental takeover will result. The wealthy and the powerful will see this as an opportunity to make us a “one world government”. Would you believe that the courses in my Master’s degree prepared me for that very day? SO IT IS COMING! What happens next, you will have to study on you own, in the Book of Revelations.

So in my experiences, with knowledge and religion, the battle between good and evil, and our survival against destruction, depends on you! What will it take for you to turn away from your selfishness? Maybe one day you will wake up, be sick and tired of being controlled by the Devil, and make a decision to surrender your life to Christ. Your battle will not end there. You will become a warrior, and there is honor when you stand and overcome all odds. And I have found peace and joy in helping others.

When I was deep into my mental illness, I was totally focused on myself, but when I turned my life over to Jesus, the desire to serve became automatic. When I took my eyes off myself, I began to heal. So, if this is true for one person, it shall be true for a whole nation. The nation’s ills from our leadership, filled with scandals, deaths from abortions, and sexual perversions, are leading us to destruction. Our culture is reflected in the actions of our youth. What more proof do you need than history it self.

Now that you have realized what I have experienced, once your eyes have been opened, that life here is not the end. If Physics can prove that there is matter and anti-matter, then hell is here on earth, and heaven awaits those who pick up the double-edged sword, the Bible, and wage full battle on the Devil and his Demons, our human nature and thoughts, and defeat our selfish destructive behaviors, each moment of each day, until Christ returns. By reading and understanding the Word of God, we gain victory over our thoughts. We stop rationalizing our selfish desires that lead us to chaos and self-destruction, and we gain loving and peaceful hearts and minds. There is nothing more desirable than unconditional love and a personal relationship with the Son of God, Jesus Christ!

God bless those who open their eyes to the evil of selfishness and the destruction of those who are blind!

The End

EPILOGUE

From a life of compulsive and impulsive behavior to a life of self-discipline and serving others, I am proof that in turning your life over to God, there is a miracle of change.

Here are the 10 steps I took to find freedom from a sick, cruel, and uncaring world:

1. 1. Accept Christ as your savior or rescuer.

2. 2. Focus on helping others, not yourself.

3. 3. Read the Bible daily.

4. 4. Meditate and pray daily.

5. 5. Go through Baptism, making a commitment to change.

6. 6. Live and obey the 10 commandments.

7. 7. Learn to use the Holy Spirit to Guide your decisions and actions.

8. 8. Forgive yourself and your enemies.

9. 9. Seek a personal relationship with Christ.

10. 10. And choose your friends by continuously testing them for good morals and integrity

It is impossible to change and control others, but by changing yourself you can make the world a better place to live.

To keep from acting out in anger, I practice quoting constantly 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8.

Love is kind and patient, never jealous, boastful, proud, or rude.

Love isn’t selfish or quick tempered. It doesn’t keep a record of wrongs that others do.

Love rejoices in the truth but not in evil. Love is always supportive, loyal, hopeful, and trusting.

TRUE LOVE NEVER FAILS!

In my search for someone to rescue me, and in all my relationships, I never did find this kind of Love. After turning my life over to the great sufferer, and after suffering pain and loss, I surrendered over all of my fears and losses to the omnipotent power of Jesus Christ. I am now able to stop my sick thinking and I have conquered my mental illness. I am now happier than I have ever been. I set this verse — First Corinthians from chapter thirteen as my goal and standard of honoring and respecting every individual I come in contact with. It has been a great battle and I have finally found healing in serving others. There is hope but it takes change and courage. In weakness, Christ came to save us and he gives us strength and courage to change our lives. I hope and pray that this book will not offend anyone, but serve to help change your life. Man does not stand alone, but needs help to survive. When you change.... you can change the world. The life of Nelson Mandela is proof. Love conquers all!

COPYRIGHT

© 2014 by Jack E. Bales

First Edition – February 2014

ISBN

978-1-4602-0440-5 (Hardcover)

978-1-4602-0439-9 (Paperback)

978-1-4602-0441-2 (eBook)

All rights reserved.

No part of this publication may be reproduced in any form, or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information browsing, storage, or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

A real life experience of mental illness and God’s healing power.

The fall in any nation is from selfish fullfillment, when you divide and destroy the family unit, unity is destroyed and strength and purpose are eliminated.Read this book and know you can overcome the worst of times, without acting out in violence.

Produced by:

FriesenPress

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Distributed to the trade by The Ingram Book Company

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1

Chapter 2: Texas

Chapter 3: St. Louis

Chapter 4: Kennett

Chapter 5: Branson

You and I are Evil but You Can Overcome It

Prophesy of What Our Nation Will Become

Epilogue

Copyright