DEAR GUYS

A NEW WAY

TO DATE

COLE RYAN

Dear Guys

All Rights Reserved

Copyright © 2013 Cole Ryan

This book may not be reproduced, transmitted, or stored in whole or in part by any means, including graphic, electronic, or mechanical without the express written consent of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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ISBN: 978-1-4689-2635-4 (ebook)

Contents

Foreword

Introduction

Chapter One Preemptive

Chapter Two Heartbreak

Chapter Three The One

Chapter Four Daughters

Chapter Five Shallow

Chapter Six Vulnerable

Chapter Seven Fulfillment

Foreword

Inspiration is like caffeine to the blood stream. It makes one come alive to their full potential and see life through new eyes. When one is inspired, they can change their direction in life, make changes to the world around them, and become something they would have never been before. Inspiration is a powerful tool. It is at the root of every great thing ever done in this world. Those that hold the gift of inspiration are the catalyst of greatness. Cole Ryan is someone who holds that gift and uses it to bring out greatness in everyone he comes in contact with. The process of thinking that he possesses is like none other that I have ever seen. He is truly someone who pushes the envelope, and inspires his listeners to think outside of the box. I believe God has programmed Cole strategically for this moment in time to inspire a generation to come alive to their potential and to make a change in the world around them. So, be ready to take the limits off of your thinking as you read this book and tap into the mind of Cole Ryan.

Sincerely,

Elijah Hollis

Introduction

Blog Post

I wrote a blog post not too long ago. I named it Dear Guys. It was about dating. This book is directly based off of that post. If you’re reading this right now, you’ve probably read the post. If not, don’t worry, this book will just about cover everything that was said in the post (that’s the point). If you’re a girl, again, don’t worry, this book isn’t just for guys (despite its title). There will be a few times throughout the book that I will be speaking directly towards the guys though, so just hang in there when that happens. I began the post like this…

“I think I feel comfortable speaking so boldly on this topic because I’ve never been in a relationship myself, but I see a lot of problems with the way our culture views dating, so I’m just trying to correct, rebuke, and encourage (2 Timothy 4:2) with this post. It’s going to be all over the place, but let me make a few points…”

Notes

This book, like the post, is going to be all over the place. If you know me fairly well, you know that my favorite app on my phone is the ‘Notes’ app. I’m constantly writing my thoughts down, and I’m not very good at transitioning from one thought to another, so bear with me. This book is unapologetically unorganized, and it happens to look a lot like my ‘Notes’ app. It’s not very formal either, it reads much more like a conversation, and that excites me. I’m more of a blogger than I am a writer, the difference being that writers know how to use commas and stuff, and I don’t.

The Bible

Oh, and I’m a Bible guy. The Bible is as an authority in my life. A lot of you may not understand that, but it hasn’t failed me yet. I believe I have a creator, and I believe it’s a good idea to get to know that creator, and the Bible helps me to do that. I allow it to shape my way of thinking and my way of living more than I allow my culture and my surroundings to do so. That being said, this book is very much going to be placing the Bible as an overall authority. I don’t think the Bible has to be boring, it’s all in the way it’s presented.

Chapter One

Preemptive

Being the age that I am, all I have to do is look around at my friends and family to see that there’s a problem with the way our culture views dating. It has become exceedingly often that I see people around my age (both Christians and non-Christians) jumping from relationship to relationship. Many aren’t even old enough to get married. Then, when I read the Bible, I see that what it has to say doesn’t really line up with the way we view dating. How has dating become simply recreational? I mean, why else do most young adults date? To have fun or to fit in, right? I could be wrong…

Man-Made

In the beginning (Yeah, I’m quoting Genesis), God created man. God then recognized that it was not good for man to be alone. We can all agree on that one I think. No one likes being alone, it’s no fun—but what did He do about it?

He created marriage. He didn’t create dating, He didn’t create courting—He created marriage. So where did dating come from? Well, not the Bible. Dating is never mentioned in The Bible, not once. Simply because we created it, it’s man-made.

Nope, I’m not saying that dating’s a sin or that dating’s evil. That’s not what this book is about. What I am saying is that if we look to the Bible for specific answers on dating we’re not going to find them. That’s not a problem though, because the Bible has a lot to say about marriage, and when we figure out why God created marriage, we will figure out a lot about dating in return.

Believe it or not, God designed marriage to display His love. Marriage allows us to encounter and experience the love of Jesus more than any other thing in this world. It is deeply spiritual and deeply biblical. It is designed by God to point us to God. How does marriage display Jesus’ love? Well, let’s see what the Bible has to say… (I told you I would be pointing us back to the Bible a lot)

“Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”—Ephesians 5:22-33

Let me paraphrase that: Jesus married the Church (Christians, you and me). The Church is His literal bride. He laid His life down for the Church. Husbands should love their wives in the same way that Jesus loved the Church, and vice-versa. Marriage was designed to display the love that Jesus has for the Church. It’s the closest thing we can get to tasting the kind of love that He has for us, a sacrificial love, a serving love, a selfless love.

You know what that tells me? Marriage isn’t really about us, it’s about God. Why else would God create marriage? I mean, God knows that it’s still possible for us to love one another and reproduce with one another outside of marriage, but He designed marriage for something more than that. He designed marriage to reveal to us who He is.

Simply A Gateway

Knowing that marriage is deeply spiritual and deeply biblical helps me out a lot. It tells me that marriage isn’t designed to make us happy, it’s designed to make us holy. And since God didn’t create dating, we did, it doesn’t really model Jesus’ love like marriage does, and it doesn’t really provide any of the things that the gift of marriage does either.

When we figure out what marriage is biblically, we figure out what dating is biblically as well. What is that exactly? Well, a gateway to marriage. Dating is simply a gateway to marriage. When dating is anything more or less than that, it becomes a shallow attempt to provide for us what only marriage was designed to provide for us.

That’s really the foundation that I wanted to lay out for this book: dating is only a gateway to marriage, a precursor to marriage, a preemptive to marriage, and if it is anything other than that, it’s not biblical. Dating wasn’t created to replace marriage. Dating wasn’t created to gain experience at marriage. Dating was created to be a road that ends in marriage.

“Dating with no intent to marry is like going to the grocery store with no money, you either leave unhappy or take something that isn’t yours.”

Chapter Two

Heartbreak

Emotions

We all want to be in a relationship. We all want to be with someone. There’s nothing wrong with that. God wired us that way. He created us to be with someone, so a longing to be with someone is healthy. However, the Bible tells us that marriage is the fulfillment of that longing, not dating.

Dating can offer a temporary fulfillment of that longing though, that’s why we see so many middle and high school students in relationships. They’re not old enough to get married, so they date instead. That’s a problem. When dating becomes an attempt to replace marriage, or an attempt to fulfill what only marriage can fulfill, it doesn’t work out too well. When your relationship is a road that doesn’t end in marriage, that’s not a road you want to be going down. That road always ends, and it almost always ends badly.

What do I mean by that? I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but don’t most relationships end? I mean, some relationships end in marriage, but most don’t, most just end. And I think that’s the result of the picture that our culture (including the Church) has painted of what dating should look like.

We take dating very, very lightly. We dive into relationships without ever really considering marriage as a serious option. We dive into relationships simply because we’re attracted to someone but never really plan on serving them.

I mean, what is usually our motive behind wanting to date someone? It’s almost never because we want to serve them and marry them. It’s almost always because we’re simply attracted to them, we have a crush on them, or it feels like it’s the right thing to do. Let me just say this: at the time, it will always feel like the right thing to do. I’m not trying to say any of those feelings are wrong, but none of them should be our only reason for wanting to date someone, that’s when things get messy. The Bible literally tells us not to follow our heart…

“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?”—Jeremiah 17:9

More often than not it’s girls that end up heartbroken when a relationship ends, not guys. That’s really why this book is called Dear Guys. It’s not necessarily directed towards guys, I just see guys breaking girl’s hearts more than I see girls breaking guy’s hearts, and that’s not right.

So, let me talk to the guys real quick: don’t be led by your emotions at the expense of a girl’s emotions. What do I mean by that? Don’t just date a girl because you like her. Date her because you want to serve her and marry her, otherwise you’re just using her for your own satisfaction and pleasure, and that’s wrong. Have some self-control. You can’t be selfish when someone else’s heart is involved. Relationships are meant to be outward, meaning they aren’t about you, they’re about how you treat the other person.

Yes, there actually is something tragically wrong with dating a girl just because you like her. That might seem like a shock to you since our culture (including the Church) seems to think that it’s acceptable. In reality, though, whenever you do that all you’re really doing is using a girl for your own benefit. I see way too many Christian guys doing that, and it almost always ends in heartbreak. When a relationship is based off of emotions, it will almost never end in marriage, and if it doesn’t end in marriage, it will end in unnecessary heartbreak, baggage, and regret.

Impatience

Marriage is to be enjoyed—it’s biblical, it’s godly, it’s fun. That’s why I’m so confused when I see Christians jumping from relationship to relationship. Purity now will lead to intimacy later, and when I say purity I don’t just mean sexually, I mean relationally. If you save your full heart for your future spouse, your marriage will be much more fulfilling. If we settle for temporary pleasure in a relationship right now it will be a little more difficult to get the deep joy that marriage can provide later.

Dating is often the result of impatience, have you noticed this? Like I said: we are wired to want to be with someone, but a lot of us give into that desire early. A lot of us aren’t patient enough to wait for marriage to enjoy the perks of being married, so we settle for dating. Please don’t take dating that lightly, it will only end badly. Whenever someone else’s heart is involved in something, it should be taken seriously.

Chapter Three

The One

We’ve over romanticized and over idealized dating and marriage a bit in our culture, don’t you think? When it comes to who we’re going to marry, I don’t believe there’s a specific person waiting for us. I think that person waiting for us is whomever we choose to make it.

Within American Christianity we like to think that there is a certain someone designed specifically for us. We call it ‘The One’. In essence, a soul-mate. No, it’s not biblical. We kind of made it up. The misconception is: if we’re patient enough and if we pray enough, God will bring us ‘The One’. There are actually a few problems with this concept. Let me explain…

Does It Even Make Sense?

All we have to do is think for a few seconds to realize that the whole ‘One’ idea doesn’t really add up. Logically, as soon as one person married someone who wasn’t their ‘One’ it would mess up the entire process. Technically, that person married someone else’s ‘One’ and it would only be a chain reaction after that. No one would be with their ‘One’ ever again. If finding ‘The One’ took any effort on our part, as soon as someone didn’t put in the effort and married someone who wasn’t their ‘One’ it would throw everyone else off in the process. That’s why it doesn’t make very much sense.

Unnecessary Anxiety

It seems to me that Christians, more than anyone else, are very concerned with finding their perfect match. We want to make sure that we’re in God’s will when it comes to whom we marry. We don’t want to marry the wrong person. Can I just say this: if you’re seeking God’s wisdom in who to pursue a relationship with, He won’t let it be the wrong person. All you have to do is align yourself with His will for your life and you will automatically be attracted to the right person, He will automatically lead you to the right person. If you’re really plugged into God and His word, it will be effortless on your part…

“No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.”—Psalm 84:11

Did you hear that? It says if you’re walking uprightly in God’s word, He won’t withhold any good thing from you (that includes a spouse). So don’t stress out about it, God has it all covered. All you have to do is pick someone. It’s kind of like that saying ‘love God and do whatever you want’ because if you’re in tune with God and His word, you’ll make the right decision. Let’s read…

“They then drew straws. Matthias won and was counted in with the eleven apostles.”—Acts 1:26

Are you kidding me? They drew straws to see who the next apostle would be? They trusted in God so much that they knew whoever won would be the right person for the job? They we’re so plugged into God’s will for their life that they trusted in Him to pick the next apostle? We think we have to pray and fast before every decision we make when maybe we just need to trust that God will lead us to make the right choice on our own. Maybe sometimes we just need to draw straws.

When we begin to dismiss the ‘One’ concept it removes a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety. All the pressure is gone when we realize that we don’t have to work towards finding ‘The One’. All we have to do is live in accordance to God’s word, and then go out and pick someone that we’re ready to love and to serve and to marry. It really is that simple. We tend to over complicate things that don’t really need to be complicated at all. The problem with this concept is that it creates this idea that God will be mad at us if we pick the wrong ‘One’. That’s not true at all. God will be happy with whomever we choose to marry as long as we treat them the way they should be treated. If we serve and love and extend grace to our spouse, God will be pleased. It’s not necessarily about who we marry, it’s about how we treat whoever we marry.

Love is often confused with attraction. This might be the most controversial thing I say in this book: but love is an action, it’s a choice. We can choose to love someone. Attraction, however, is a feeling, it’s an emotion, it’s temporary. Let’s apply this to marriage. Why do you think we see so many divorces? People seem to think that love is an attraction to someone (and attraction is a temporary feeling), so when the attraction wares off, the marriage ends. That’s not how it’s supposed to work though. Love is a choice. So even when we’re not feeling especially attracted to our spouse, it’s still our responsibility to love them. If love did have anything to do with attraction it wouldn’t be unconditional, because unconditional means it doesn’t change, and our attractions change constantly.

An Impossible Standard

Yet another problem with the whole ‘One’ mentality is that we create this standard that no one can actually meet. No one is perfect except for Jesus, so when we hold someone up to an impossible standard, they’re only going to fail us and let us down. We’re only setting ourselves up for disappointment…

“It is a foolish woman who expects her husband to be to her that which only Jesus Christ Himself can be: always ready to forgive, totally understanding, unendingly patient, invariably tender and loving, unfailing in every area, anticipating every need, and making more than adequate provision. Such expectations put a man under an impossible strain.”—Ruth Bell Graham

Some of the more illogical people will even have a list of the attributes and characteristics that they want their ‘One’ to meet or possess. Can you believe that? When we create a list like that, as soon as that person messes up, we won’t be able to show them the grace and love that they deserve because we’ve expected way too much of them in the first place. We set a standard for them that they could never possibly meet. Plus, I don’t know about you, but I’m attracted to a totally different kind of person than I was five years ago. Our tastes change. When our relationships begin to be based off of the other person, and not how we treat the other person, it will only go downhill from there. Setting a standard like this is a bad idea for two reasons: we think a partner can fulfill for us what only Jesus can fulfill for us, and we focus way too much on attraction even though our attractions are wavering.

“What you don’t want to do is become ridiculous, which is like—’I made this list of someone who will be qualified to marry me’—uh, if that person exists, they can do better.”—Mark Driscoll

Prepare Yourself

Overall, it’s not really about finding ‘The One’ at all, it’s about preparing yourself to be ‘The One’. It’s about becoming ‘The One’ for someone else. What I mean by that is rather than focusing all of our attention on finding someone to date, we should spend a little more time focusing our attention on becoming a better person for someone to date. Are you following me? Become a better you. I don’t mean that in a legalistic or self-righteous way, I just mean prepare yourself to better serve and love your future spouse. Be ready. Relationships are very much an outward, selfless thing. So we need to make sure we’re ready to support and serve a spouse before we ever initiate a relationship. We can’t be ill-prepared when it comes to joining our life with someone else’s. Like I said at the end of the blog post…

“I’m pleading with you, instead of spending all of your time looking for a girlfriend—spend some time becoming the man that can better serve your future wife, and the man that God designed you to be.”

Chapter Four

Daughters

Of The King

Girls should be treated well. I don’t think anyone is trying to dispute that. Girls deserve a certain level of respect. It’s a universal truth. But there is something profound about knowing that girls are the daughters of God.

God is our father. We should fear God. A healthy fear though. The kind of fear you have for your worldly parents. You love them, but you know they have the ability to punish you, so you also fear their authority. Same thing with God. He has daughters that should be treated well, out of fear and out of love. When you’re dating a girl, you’re dating one of the King’s daughters. Think about that. You can’t really mess around.

Being a ‘gentleman’ goes way beyond holding the door for a girl and letting her go first all the time. It’s about truly serving her. I think when it comes to the way we should treat women, it’s a good idea to look to the way Jesus treated women. He laid his life down for His bride. He sacrificed His life for her, He lowered Himself for her. We must love women sacrificially in the same way that Jesus loved His bride sacrificially. Being a gentleman is about more than just being caring and thoughtful, it’s about possessing sacrificial and selfless Christ-like characteristics. I don’t even know if it’s possible to be a gentleman without knowing and possessing the character of Jesus.

Know Your Worth

There’s a certain worth that can only be given to us by God. You see, if you think about it, worth has nothing to do with the object. Worth has everything to do with how much someone is willing to pay for the object. God paid for each and every one of us with His son’s life. That gives me chills. That makes us worth a lot. What I’m trying to say is: know your worth! When you say you’re worthless, you’re insulting God. Not only because He created you, but because He paid a huge price for you. He think’s you’re worth more than you even think you’re worth. That’s why I have a hard time understanding people when they think that God is against them. God is infinitely for you. What better news is there?

Chapter Five

Shallow

Sex Is Good

Sex is a good thing. God created it. God designed it. God loves it. American Christianity has kind of painted a picture of sex that isn’t very biblical. Since the only time the Church seems to talk about sex is when they’re saying it’s a sin to have it outside of marriage, people have gotten the wrong idea of what God thinks about sex. God isn’t opposed to sex. God loves sex. He designed it to be fruitful and reproductive. He designed it for our benefit and enjoyment. Let’s look to the Bible…

“How beautiful your sandaled feet,

O prince’s daughter!

Your graceful legs are like jewels,

the work of an artist’s hands.

Your navel is a rounded goblet

that never lacks blended wine.

Your waist is a mound of wheat

encircled by lilies.

Your breasts are like two fawns,

like twin fawns of a gazelle.

Your neck is like an ivory tower.

Your eyes are the pools of Heshbon

by the gate of Bath Rabbim.

Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon

looking toward Damascus.

Your head crowns you like Mount Carmel.

Your hair is like royal tapestry;

the king is held captive by its tresses.

How beautiful you are and how pleasing,

my love, with your delights!

Your stature is like that of the palm,

and your breasts like clusters of fruit.

I said, ‘I will climb the palm tree;

I will take hold of its fruit.’

May your breasts be like clusters of grapes on the vine,

the fragrance of your breath like apples,

and your mouth like the best wine.”

—Song of Songs 7:1-9

Yup, that’s in the Bible. Explicit, right? How are you even going to try to tell me that God is against sex? Don’t even try to say that God only designed sex for reproduction, either. I mean, that was fairly detailed!

God’s Law Is Good

Now let me just say this: God knows more about sex than we do. We should listen to God when it comes to sex. Because, well, He created it, He designed it, and He knows the complexity of it. He knows that when sex is removed from the context that He designed it to be enjoyed in, things don’t usually go too well. Here’s why…

One of the Hebrew words for love or for sex is ‘dod’. Which, when translated, literally means the ‘mingling of souls’—or in other words—’two becoming one’. What does that mean? Well, it means that sex is much more than just a physical act. It’s also mental, emotional, and spiritual. It involves our souls. When we have sex, we’re not just having sex with a body, we’re having sex with a soul. It’s so much deeper and complex than we think. That’s why when we take sex out of the context that it was designed to be enjoyed in (marriage), things goes downhill. If it were simply a physical act, there wouldn’t be a problem, but it’s much more. It involves someone else’s soul. This isn’t even just a biblical truth either. We can all agree that sex goes way beyond the physical and there’s something much, much deeper about it. That’s why people enjoy it so much, and that’s why it can be so harmful and destructive when it’s mistreated.

Let me simplify that: sex is designed to be enjoyed within the covenant of marriage because when two souls are made one through sex, they cannot be separated. In marriage, there is no need for them to be separated, but outside of marriage, the two people aren’t held together by a covenant, so things don’t usually go very well.

Why is it that we don’t go to God when it comes to stuff like this? In every other aspect of life we go to the creator to find out more about how the creation works. We don’t treat God like that, though. A lot of us like to avoid what God has to say about certain aspects of our lives. Why do we do that? He created it, He designed it, He knows how it works!

The law of God is not bad news. What do I mean by the law of God? The DO’s and DON’T’s in the Bible. The commandments, the sins. The parts of the Bible that tell us what to do. The ‘rules’. This might throw you off a bit, but we should be thankful for the law.

Why? Well, because the law of God is basically God’s way of looking out for us. By obeying God’s word we’re basically just taking advice from the guy that created us. God is never trying to keep anything away from us other than what is harmful to us. He’s not trying to keep anything good away from us, He wants what’s best for us. He just happens to know what’s best for us more than we know what’s best for us. That’s why He created the law.

“But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night.”—Psalm 1:2

Wait, David delighted in the law? That seems like the opposite of how a lot of us tend to treat the law. We try to avoid it, we make excuses for it.

David actually rejoiced in the law. He didn’t just delight in it, he literally would lie awake at night and just think about it. You and I probably stay up at night thinking about our lives and our dreams, David would stay up at night thinking about God’s law. David was the man. He loved God’s law. He knew God’s law would bring him closer to God and would allow him to get the most out of his life. He knew God used the law to look out for him and to direct him to ultimate fulfillment. God knows that sin will only destroy us, so by creating the law He is protecting us from that. The law is good news.

Here’s how I like to look at it: the law of God helps us to align ourselves with the way God designed the universe to work. God created everything, so it’s probably a good idea to follow the creator’s instructions (that He was gracious enough to provide) on how everything is meant to work. It only makes sense, doesn’t it? Why do we think we know how all of this works more than God? Why do we think we have this ‘life’ thing figured out more than the one who created it?

Internal vs. External

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”—Matthew 5:27-28

Hold on, do you see what He did there? While the religious leaders focused on the external behaviors of others, Jesus focused on the heart, what was internal. He did that a lot in His teachings because He knew what was internal would directly impact what was external.

This goes well beyond sex, that’s just the issue at the surface. It’s about the heart. Jesus looked past the external actions and looked right to the heart. In this case, premarital sex would be the external action, and lust would be the internal heart of the matter. Both of which are adultery, but people only seem to talk about one of them.

Lustful Intent

To look upon someone with lustful intent is to want from them what you are not in a covenant with them to get. In other words: to take what is not yours, or to want to take what is not yours. They are not yours until you marry them. That’s the covenant I’m speaking of, marriage. So, the person is not yours until God entrusts you with them through the covenant of marriage. Before then, however, you cannot take what isn’t yours or touch what hasn’t been given to you. That’s the problem with porn. You are looking at someone who is not yours and you want from them what has not been given to you.

That’s why porn is so destructive and corrosive. It distorts and corrupts sex into something that it was never designed to be. It’s an attempt to provide for us what isn’t ours and what has never been given to us. It takes sex out of its proper context and strips it of all of its worth. God designed sex to involve the soul but porn dehumanizes sex so that it involves only the body. Porn takes the ‘dod’ out of sex. Porn is an empty attempt to provide what only sex was designed to provide. Not only that, but you’re feeding an industry that promotes sex-trafficking every time you watch it.

The men and women that you click on to watch, they have feelings, they have desires, they have hearts. But you’re simply clicking on them and using them for your own satisfaction. Those men and women that you click on to watch, do you ever wonder who they are? What their story is? I mean, they’re someone’s daughter, they’re someone’s son. Not only that, they’re God’s daughter, they’re God’s son. Stepping back and simply thinking about what exactly it is you are doing every time you watch porn will break that ‘addiction’ very quickly.

Chapter Six

Vulnerable

Take A Chance

Guys, we need to be the one initiating the relationship. Yup, it’s biblical. It may seem old school, but I’m not much of a progressive. The Bible tells us to lead the relationship, so that’s what I believe. And if we don’t initiate it, we’ll never end up leading it. Yeah, I know that means we need to take a few risks, but what kind of love is worth having that isn’t worth taking a risk for? Love, in and of itself, is vulnerable…

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”—C. S. Lewis

Putting yourself out there for the possibility of rejection is being very vulnerable. A great relationship will come at the expense of humbling yourself, taking a chance, and being vulnerable.

Think about it: the greatest act of love this world has ever seen was Jesus dying on the cross. He was hanging naked on a cross—He was being mocked, spit on, beaten, cursed out, laughed at—on a wooden cross. I can’t imagine being anymore vulnerable than He was that day.

That tells me that as men we must be vulnerable and put ourselves out there to get the girl that we want. We have to take a risk. If you’re not willing to put yourself out there and be vulnerable for a girl, then I don’t think you’re ready to date her just yet. Not only that, but you don’t really love her if she’s not worth taking a risk for.

Chapter Seven

Fulfillment

This chapter might be a bit confusing. I did my best to collect my thoughts but it might still be a little hard to follow. Let me be straight forward with you, and then let me explain myself. You are not ready for a relationship until you are content without a relationship. Now, let me explain…

What Is Your Source?

Idolatry. Not a very popular sermon topic in church, is it? This is something that I think isn’t talked about nearly as much as it should be. Idolatry is something that plagues every Christian, no exceptions, and it’s something that could easily be combatted if it we’re simply identified. Almost all of the problems in our lives are the result of idolatry, and if we would just realize that we would be able to overcome it.

An idol is anything you place higher than God in your life. It could be a job, a spouse, a car, whatever is top priority in your life, whatever comes first. If you think about it more than you think about God, it’s an idol. If it’s something that you look to for fulfillment instead of God, it’s an idol. Idolatry is a sin. Seems strict, doesn’t it? It seems nearly impossible to not think about anything more than you think about God. It seems nearly impossible to look only to God for fulfillment. Think about it this way: whatever has your attention is your god. It consumes you, it leads you, it owns you. If it has your attention, it has your heart and it has your life. You may not realize it at the time, but it does. Whatever dictates your thoughts dictates your actions.

You’re probably thinking: what in the world does this have to do with dating? Well, when you’re anxious to be in a relationship because you think that’s what will bring you fulfillment, then dating is an idol. In essence, you’re looking to a partner for fulfillment, instead of God. That’s a problem.

If you’re anxious to be in a relationship, you’re not ready to be in a relationship. It’s that simple. I’m not contradicting what I said earlier: it is healthy to want to be in a relationship. We’re built for it. We’re wired by God to want to be with someone. It’s not wrong to want to be in a relationship. However, we should be fulfilled without a relationship. If you aren’t fulfilled when you’re single, then your fulfillment isn’t found in Jesus, it’s found in a partner, and that’s idolatry. That’s where we have to be careful, when our longing to be in a relationship out weighs our longing to be in a relationship with Jesus.

I think the vital question really is: where do I find my fulfillment?

In Jesus?

In a boy/girl?

In a relationship?

If our fulfillment isn’t found in Jesus, I don’t think we’re really ready to be in a relationship just yet. Marriage isn’t even designed to fulfill us. Marriage is a gift from God to point us to Himself, because He knows only He will truly fulfill us.

“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.”—Psalm 23:1

Do you know what that’s saying? God is our shepherd, and that’s enough. That should satisfy us. That should fulfill us. If it doesn’t, then He really isn’t our shepherd, is He? If it doesn’t, then He doesn’t really reign in our life, does He?

Ready. Set. Go.

Yup, this is the end. There are a few different things I hope you walk away with after reading this book, but overall, I hope that I provoked these questions in you…

Am I ready to date?

What are my motives behind wanting to date this person?

If you find yourself asking either of those questions before you enter into a relationship again, then I did my job. I just urge you to take dating a little more seriously, and treat it much more outwardly.

Table of Contents

Foreword

Introduction

Chapter One Preemptive

Chapter Two Heartbreak

Chapter Three The One

Chapter Four Daughters

Chapter Five Shallow

Chapter Six Vulnerable

Chapter Seven Fulfillment