© 2006 by Rick I. Johnson

Published by Revell

a division of Baker Publishing Group

P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287

www.revellbooks.com

Excerpted from Better Dads, Stronger Sons, published 2006

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ISBN 978-1-4412-4119-1

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Scripture quotations labeled NKJV are from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

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To Frank and Kelsey.

Without you, none of this

would have happened. I love you guys,

and I’m proud to be your dad.

Contents

Cover 1

Title Page 3

Copyright Page 4

Dedication 5

Acknowledgments 7

Introduction: The Redemption of a Man 8

1. Authentic Manhood 11

2. Mistakes All Dads Make 17

3. Making a Noble Man 30

Notes 51

About the Author 53

Other Books by the Author 54

Back Ads 55

Back Cover 56

Acknowledgments

I’d like to thank Brian Smith, the best writer I know personally, for all his help with this book. I’ve also been blessed to have one of the most patient and gracious editors a writer could have, Dr. Vicki Crumpton. Thanks, Vicki, for your encouragement and unending patience with me as I stumbled along the rocky and very narrow path of authorship.

I’d also like to thank Steve Ziegler, Monte Edwards, and Tim Hart for their contributions to this book and for being good men.

Of course, Terry, Linda, Bill, and Brian, you all deserve a big “thanks.” Without such a top-notch writer’s group, how would I have ever ended up here? And thanks to George and Riley for being my constant companions during the days and nights of writing.

As always, Suzanne, you deserve most of the credit for any and all of my accomplishments.

Introduction

The Redemption of a Man

God does work in mysterious ways.

I was raised in an alcoholic home. I can distinctly remember lying in bed at night as a little boy, my little brothers and sisters huddled around me in fear, my pillow tightly pulled over my ears, desperately crying to God to make the fighting, screaming, and hitting in the next room stop. I prayed fervently, with all my heart and soul. But God didn’t answer those prayers—then.

I grew up to be an abuser of drugs, alcohol, and any other substance that would deaden the pain I felt in my soul but didn’t acknowledge. I slept with a multitude of women, never realizing that what I was really looking for was love, not sex.

I met my wife and married her when I was twenty-five. She unwittingly followed my masculine leadership into depths of degradation and despair. Finally, with the birth of my son when I was thirty, I recognized my foolishness and stopped taking drugs—the first step on the road to recovery. Years of counseling followed as I attempted to lead a “normal” life and be a good husband and father despite my lack of a positive role model growing up. By then I had substituted work and achievement (society’s legal narcotics) for the numbing effect of drugs.

At forty, I had what the world said should have made me happy and satisfied. I owned a relatively successful business. I was married to a beautiful wife with two great kids, owned a nice house and new cars, and had money to burn. We weren’t rich, but compared to most people we were living a pretty good life. I was what the world considers a success.

Yet I was miserable. The more I accomplished, the less gratifying my success was. I stubbornly adopted a “me against the world” attitude; I was going to win no matter the cost. I believed that I controlled my destiny and that all I needed to do was work harder and smarter to achieve my dreams and goals.

How could I have everything the world offers and still be so dissatisfied?

I finally decided to take inventory of my life and see if I could fix whatever was wrong with me. After all, that’s how I had taken care of every other dilemma I had faced before. Since I had no men in my life whom I respected at the time, I decided to look at the lives of admirable men throughout history to determine what they had that I didn’t.

As I researched the lives of brilliant men such as Leonardo da Vinci, George Washington, John Adams (and nearly all the other founding fathers of our country), Abraham Lincoln, and many others throughout the ages, the one common thread I discovered among them was that they were all Christians. I was shocked. I had grown up in a family that considered religion in general to be a crutch for weak people and Christians in particular to be a bunch of hypocrites.

In reaction to that revelation, I set out to prove to myself that Christianity was a false concept. I believed that the Bible was written by uneducated, superstitious savages and that the basis for believing in a mythical Jesus was one of unenlightened ignorance. I was a scoffer of the highest magnitude. In fact, I despised people who could so easily be led around like docile cows with rings in their noses.

After a year of research and study, I finally had to admit that I could not disprove Christianity. As illogical as I believed the concept to be, something about it spoke to me deep in my gut. In time I became convinced that Jesus Christ not only existed but was actually the Son of God who had come to earth as a man to die for our sins and rise again in order to provide eternal life for all who chose to believe and accept his gift.

So I believed. I took the gift. The decision was not one based on emotion or one that someone talked me into but one based on logic and my own research.

I soon realized that God had blessed me with a number of personal gifts or traits that I had been using only for self-gratification and that I needed to start using to serve him. I spent the next year trying different types of service—everything from ushering at church to picketing abortion clinics—hoping to figure out how God wanted me to serve him.

I was particularly concerned about the culture around me. How could our culture be so far off base from all the truths that I had recently learned to be self-evident? Our country seemed to be decaying at an accelerated pace. But I didn’t know how one man could possibly make a difference in this troubled world. The task seemed overwhelming. At the same time, I was also deeply concerned about the kind of father I was. I kept searching for answers: How can a man become a good father when he has been raised without one or with a very poor role model? No one seemed to have the answers to the questions that plagued my soul.

I started a ministry called Better Dads with a mission to inspire and equip men to be more involved in the lives of their children. Shortly thereafter, a counselor with one of the school districts approached me and said, “We have a lot of single mothers raising sons in our district, and they have questions about boys. Could you put a program together for them?” That program immediately became popular, and I began giving presentations to groups of women across the Northwest.

And so that is how, at the age of forty-eight, I find myself attempting to pass on what God has shown me in hopes that other men will benefit and find hope from my experiences and failures. I am not a perfect father, as my kids would readily attest were I to give them access to these pages. In fact, I’m not even sure I’m a particularly good father. Compared to some men I know, I’m still ashamed at my lack of fathering skills. But perhaps that’s the point. We will never be perfect fathers, none of us. But we mustn’t let that stop us from becoming lifelong learners, continually striving to be the fathers God designed us to be.

Come with me while I share some of the things I’ve learned along the bumpy road to authentic manhood and godly fathering. A father’s job never ends, and your son is counting on you.

1

Authentic Manhood

A man is created for challenges. He is equipped to overcome, to run the gauntlet, to stand firm as a well-anchored corner post. Men are the benchmark in life, society, and family. It is part of the masculine responsibility to demonstrate strength and stability, to protect and provide for those within their sphere of influence. This is the hallmark of manhood.

Preston Gillham, Things Only Men Know

Ask men on the street, “What is a man?” and you’ll get a flurry of answers, few very definitive and few the same. That’s because most of us were never raised with a clear vision of what a man is or exactly what a man does. We were never shown our destiny.

As I look back on my life, especially the past five years, I can clearly see God’s work in my life to fulfill the plan he established for me before time began. My journey toward becoming the man and the father God wanted me to be was long and arduous. One thing I’ve learned is that before we can become godly fathers, we must seek to become godly men. So before we discuss God’s plan for you as a father, we might find it helpful to first determine exactly what a man is.

What Is a Man?

The world would have us believe that a man is one who finishes school, then puts his head down with his nose to the grindstone and works hard the rest of his life in order to achieve some level of monetary success. Along the way we acquire a wife and children, a home, fancy cars, clothes, and a plethora of toys in order to demonstrate our manly success to the world. Our work soon defines who we are and becomes a badge of honor in the world’s eyes.

The problem with this mentality is that it believes an empty promise. After driving ourselves hard our whole lives, we suddenly wake up one day and realize that we have missed out on much of what is really important in life. Our kids are grown and gone, and we have drifted apart from the wife of our youth, or maybe even divorced her. Most men who follow the conventional definition of manhood typically die within a relatively short time span after retirement. Is that really how God wants us to live our lives?

Hardly. God has a better plan for our lives. Authentic manhood, or walking the path of godly intent, is living for a cause bigger than yourself. It means a life spent in servant leadership of others. A life spent lifting up your wife and children with the goal of helping them achieve their full potential. A life spent reaching out to others who need the support and shade of your broad shoulders. Men who live lives of significance are healthier and happier, and they look forward to a greater reward from our heavenly Father than their work-obsessed counterparts do. These true men shake off their natural tendency toward passivity, they accept responsibility, and they lead their families and communities courageously.

One of a man’s greatest needs in life, especially as he approaches middle age, is to be involved in something significant—to know that his life has counted for something. This type of lifestyle requires us to shed some of the self-serving instincts that all men possess. Start living your life serving others and see if you don’t become more content and have a strong feeling of significance. That is how God created men to live. That is what makes for a fulfilling life.

These are the makings of authenticity, of the life God wants us to live. It’s a life that surpasses the mere satisfaction of our own needs and wants. A life that accomplishes even more than lifting up our wives and children to their full potential. A life spent impacting broader circles of people, reaching out with grace, compassion, and love to better the world we live in. That is Christ’s assignment for men. Our lives are determined not by what we do but by what we do for others.

God created men to be the leaders in our families, homes, communities—the whole earth. However, he also gave us the responsibility that goes along with that. One of Satan’s primary strategies against men is to convince us that the family is not important—that our own self-gratification is first priority. But authentic men know the true nobility that lies behind fulfilling our destiny.

Noble Fathers and Noble Sons

In order to fulfill God’s commission of becoming authentic men and fathers, not only must we become men of action, we must become men of honor in the eyes of our sons. Those eyes are watching us constantly. They observe, among other things, how we react to the many injustices in the world. Do we ignore them and live a lie, or do we live life? Will we do something—anything—to make a difference in the world?

God loves men and created us to be something special—noble leaders. He created us in his image, to be like him. But God is never passive or complacent. Unfortunately, many men are living lives of complacency. We are abdicating our roles as leaders in our homes, our communities, and our country in record numbers. This is creating a crisis that is threatening to dissolve the very fabric of society, destroying our country and possibly even the world. Men in our country are mired in apathy and passivity. The reason? Because as boys, we were not brought up to relish our God-given roles as protectors of and providers for our families.

Men were created to be passionate and fierce and noble. We have a spiritual longing for adventure, for a battle to fight that’s bigger than ourselves, for significance in our lives. We can feel that longing in our souls. We may not admit that to our wives or to other men, but we should be honest enough to admit it to ourselves. For most of us, something is missing. We long to do things that make us and others around us uncomfortable, to tackle insurmountable odds, to change the world. Instead, we trudge along in misery with the mundane lifestyle that the world says is our destiny.

We long in our very souls for significance, for something greater than individual success, material goods, sexual conquests, and even power. That’s why men in their forties and fifties, after achieving what the world would consider success, are often struck with a sense of incompleteness. Midlife crisis isn’t about buying expensive sports cars or chasing younger women, although that’s how many men express it. Midlife crisis happens when it finally hits us that we have not really accomplished anything significant with our lives, that our names will never be remembered beyond a few words in an obituary, that we wasted the nobility that God gave us by chasing after material goods and transitory, self-gratifying experiences. Men who are living authentic lives receive God’s blessings and don’t feel the urge to relive their younger years. But these men willingly put themselves at risk by attempting to change the status quo. They fight injustice and help others instead of just serving their own carnal lusts. This is a mighty battle that requires men of nobility to go against their natural bent.

I used to feel overwhelmed at the magnitude of that battle. But to fight injustice in service of others, even if we fail, is not truly failure; it is faithfulness. And faithfulness always makes an impact, especially on the hearts of those who follow in our footsteps. A man who stands up to the winds of adversity is a man whose son admires and looks up to him. He is a man who will raise sons of whom he can be proud. Part of raising a noble son is to be a noble father.

God has shown me that one man can make a difference in the world, even if it’s only in the life of one little boy. That one boy may grow up to impact thousands of people. That boy might even be your son.

In the movie It’s a Wonderful Life, Jimmy Stewart plays George Bailey, a man trapped in the small town of Bedford Falls. He is dissatisfied with life because he is unable to fulfill his dreams. He is stuck because he is compelled to do the right thing by taking over his family’s savings and loan business. George continually sacrifices his dreams for the benefit of others. Finally, during a crisis, he wishes he’d never been born, and his guardian angel reluctantly grants his wish. As George revisits the town and people he has known his whole life, he gradually realizes the impact he has made. With no one to lend money for middle-class family homes, the once pleasant town of Bedford Falls has been transformed into Pottersville, a modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah. Without George there to save his brother Harry from death during childhood, Harry never grew up to save the lives of hundreds of soldiers on a troop transport during World War II. George’s wife is an old maid instead of the vibrant, beautiful mother and wife she is under his leadership. George’s friends, relatives, and customers are all worse off, some even insane or in prison, for never having had his influence in their lives. One man (or woman) can make a difference in the world.

My wife’s grandmother, Esther (Nana) Emry, was a quiet, tiny, crippled, poverty-stricken old lady. When I married my wife, I knew Nana was a strong Christian, but because of her low station in life and my own egotism, I never really paid much mind to her. However, over the years I’ve come to see how this shy little old lady impacted the lives of thousands of people. In fact, she is still impacting people long after her death and will for generations to come.

Because I believed that all Christians were hypocrites, I watched Nana with a skeptic’s eye. She was the first believer I had ever met who actually walked the talk of Christianity. She was truly filled with grace and humility.

Nana raised six children with no husband long before celebrities made single-mothering trendy. She took in my wife, who left home at age thirteen, and instilled a Christian value system in her. She also took in a hodgepodge of other stray kids over the years, allowing them a place to stay and gather their bearings. Most of these kids she fed cheese sandwiches with cheese sliced so thin you could see through it and soup stock made from boiled chicken bones. But what she had, she shared joyfully and without expectations.

Nana never had much money, existing on a small Social Security check. Yet I never once in twenty years heard her complain about anything. She faithfully tithed and gave sacrificially every month until the day she died, even though she was too crippled to attend church. She made quilts from scraps of material and sent them all over the world to various missions and needy people. She was a strong prayer warrior. She prayed every day, thanking God for the gift of one more day on earth, despite a body wracked with pain.

When my wife, as a young woman, would run to Nana crying about her jerk of a husband (me), Nana would only say, “Oh, just love him, honey. Just love him.” She never criticized me or gave any other advice, much to Suzanne’s frustration. Nana just did exactly what the Bible exhorts—that older women teach the younger women to love their husbands (see Titus 2:4).

Consequently, Nana was a deciding factor in my decision to accept Christ as my Savior. That decision has impacted my children and will impact their children too. It also affects every life I touch through my ministry and books. I sincerely pray that I can live up to the legacy Nana left in my life. I look forward to meeting her in heaven to thank her and to witness all those many others whose lives were somehow made different by this quiet, unassuming little old lady as they gather around her formerly crippled feet in gratitude. I suspect Nana was surprised and humbled that God threw a party in her honor when she passed on to heaven.

God truly does work through people we wouldn’t expect. He will work through you too if you’ll stand up and say, “Lord, use me.”

Questions for Reflection and Discussion

1. Are you living a life of significance? If you have any doubts, ask your son his opinion (and prepare yourself to listen without taking offense).

2. Discuss areas of your life that you struggle with now or have struggled with in the past. Be honest! Do you think these involve attacks from the evil one or just naturally occurring events in life?

3. In what ways are you resisting passivity in your life? In what areas do you feel you could improve? Talk to the other men in your group about ways you can each make a difference in someone else’s life.

4. Try to envision what your community and the lives of people you know would be like if you were not present in their midst. Would your community be better off without you, or would it be more like “Pottersville” without your current activities?

2

Mistakes All Dads Make

An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.

Niels Bohr, quoted in Alan Mackay, The Harvest of a Quiet Eye

If the quotation above is true, I must be getting pretty close to being an expert father by now. As a matter of fact, the only reason you’re reading this now is that I’ve made enough mistakes to fill up a book! Hopefully, though, I’ve learned from the mistakes I’ve made. The mark of a good leader and a good father is just that—the ability to learn from mistakes. The man who doesn’t is doomed to repeat them over and over again.

I’ve said many times, “I wish I knew when my kids were little what I know now about fathering.” Part of my being a more knowledgeable father just comes from having been a father for so long.

Becoming an effective leader takes time. We have to be seasoned; our experiences give us wisdom and humility. And the process takes time. Patience truly is a virtue, yet even developing patience takes time and practice. No man is a perfect father. I’m certainly not. We all fall short somewhere. The key is to take our strengths and nurture them while throwing off our weaknesses and replacing them with positive traits. But this often takes time and a lot of hard work.

Some weaknesses are designed into us by God. Some are conditioned into us by our upbringing. One of the toughest barriers I had to overcome as a father was the negative training I received as a boy. I had to forcibly train my mind to consciously reassess my reactions to people and difficult situations, replacing “instinct” with determined wisdom. It wasn’t easy.

God created man in his image and endowed man with headship of his home. That gives men a special place in God’s eyes as leaders of their families. As such, we have the responsibility to train our sons to be leaders of their families as well. Understanding the ways to succeed and some of the most common ways we blow it will help you rise to that task.

Mistake #1—Emphasizing Weaknesses, Not Strengths

As a father I have a tendency to focus on the things my son does wrong instead of the things he does right. But as a coach I tell my players to focus on their strengths, not their weaknesses. Help your son find his strengths—his gifts from God. Focus on those instead of being overly critical of his weaknesses.

Talk to your son about his God-given strengths and weaknesses. All of us have been blessed with certain skills and find ourselves lacking in others. Find out where your son excels, and help him use and cultivate those strengths to succeed in life.

When my son, Frank, was in elementary school, it became apparent that he probably would not become a star athlete. Not because he wasn’t physically capable or coordinated enough—he played sports and did pretty well in all of them. But he did not seem to have the drive or competitive desire—the “fire in the belly”—to be really successful. Rather than force him to be a sports star (as was my initial inclination), I chose to focus on his strengths. Thankfully, I realized in time that I wanted him to focus on athletics because that was an area of strength for me, not for him.

Frank is very intelligent, and he loves music. I encouraged him to join the band and learn a musical instrument. I told him, “You know, when I was in high school, I used to look up into the stands, and those guys in the band always seemed to be having such a good time. Plus, they get to hang around the cheerleaders and get excused from school to travel to all the games.”

Whenever we watched college basketball or football games on television, I was quick to point out the camera shots of the band members cheering for their teams, many dressed crazily and with their faces painted. I also casually mentioned that the band members get into all the games free. Band members at a college that is a national powerhouse get to attend championship football and basketball games that most people never will.

Frank joined the band in sixth grade and has continued playing up into college. He has enjoyed himself immensely and has learned to play several instruments—a skill that will give him joy throughout his life. His positive experiences helped him develop a healthy self-esteem. If I had pushed him into sports, he might have struggled with his self-image. Instead of setting him up for failure, I helped him to succeed.

And yes, he got to hang out with the cheerleaders.

Mistake #2—Avoiding Physical Affection

As men we are raised to be uncomfortable with too much affection from another male—especially the physical kind. It’s interesting that we compensate for that by knocking each other all around the football field, wrestling mat, or boxing ring. For some reason we think it’s okay to slap another man on the butt during the heat of athletic competition, but we’re uncomfortable hugging one another in greeting. As physical as the male animal is, you’d think we would be more comfortable expressing physical affection. But I think it must be a social taboo ingrained into our unconscious minds at an early age.

Hug and kiss your son. Give him plenty of physical love. Even as he gets older, continue to show him physical affection.

And in case you missed it, yes, I said kiss him. Sometimes it’s uncomfortable for us grizzled old-timers, but it pays big relational dividends. I started early, when my son was a baby, showing him physical affection. It was easier at that time than it would have been later on. I made a decision when he was born that I would overcome my natural reluctance and show him the physical affection I had craved from my dad as a boy. That’s a decision I have never regretted.

I smile now when I think of the times my son, even after entering adolescence, slipped his hand into mine as we walked across a parking lot together. My initial reaction was always to flinch, but I fought the urge to reject his advance, forcing myself to hold his hand as we walked into the store. Sometimes we got funny looks from people, but who cares what other people think? He’s my boy. Long after everyone else has moved on, your relationship with your son and his family will bring you joy and contentment. Even now that he’s in college, Frank still comes up and kisses me on the forehead whenever he comes home or leaves the house.

When we are having rough times between us, I know that I can drape an arm across his shoulders or pat him on the back as a way of making amends and breaking the impasse of our disagreement. I still struggle with apologizing and asking forgiveness. But even if I can’t verbalize or articulate my feelings to him, I know we can connect through a touch, all because we are comfortable in showing manly physical affection to each other.

Mistake #3—Giving Too Little Time

The Encyclopaedia Britannica devotes a half page to the accomplishments of Charles Francis Adams, the son of President John Quincy Adams. The younger Adams followed the political trail of his father and became a US diplomat to Great Britain. The encyclopedia makes no mention of Charles’s family, but Charles’s diary does. One day’s entry reads: “Went fishing with my son today—a day wasted.” Someone else’s diary, however, offers a different perspective on that same event: “Went fishing with my father—the most wonderful day of my life.” The person who wrote those words was Charles’s son Brook. Interesting, isn’t it, how a little boy’s perspective can be so different from his dad’s?

It’s almost a cliché to quote the song by Harry Chapin, “Cat’s in the Cradle,” to illustrate the consequences of a father being too absorbed in his work when his son is young. The reality is that most of us men are taught by our culture that in order to be a success in life, we must be successful in our work—that our career is more important than anything else in life. Oh, we give lip service to the importance of our families, but our actions often speak louder than our words.

A mother and her young son were looking through an old family photo album when the boy noticed a snapshot of a handsome young man with dark, curly hair.

“Who’s that?” he asked.

“That’s your father,” his mother replied proudly.

“Oh yeah?” said the boy. “Then who’s that bald guy who lives with us?”

Maybe that father has been spending too much time at work and not enough time with his family.

One of the things I miss the most now that our children are older is having them run headlong to me yelling, “Daddy’s home! Daddy’s home!” when I walk through the door from work. As I look back I find that shuffling along with those little monkeys wrapped around each of my legs was an exquisite pleasure that I miss dearly. Their unbridled joy at seeing Dad was more precious than silver and gold to my heart. Unfortunately, at the time I was more concerned with getting ahead, making my mark in the world, and providing for my family than I was with relishing those moments. Consequently, I often ran the kids off before they could fully express their joy at seeing me after a long day’s absence.

As an experienced “older man,” let me give you younger fathers a little advice. That season comes around once in life, and it is fleeting. If I could do anything over again, I would do a better job of decompressing before I got home from work so I could enjoy rolling around on the floor for a few minutes with the little rugrats. Now, with teenagers in the house, it seems as though no one cares when the old man comes home anymore—that is, unless they need money.

A man came home from work late again, tired and irritated, to find his five-year-old son waiting for him at the door. “Daddy, may I ask you a question?”

“Yeah, sure, what is it?” replied the man.

“Daddy, how much money do you make an hour?”

“That’s none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing?” the man said angrily.

“I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?” pleaded the little boy.

“If you must know, I make twenty dollars an hour.”

“Oh,” the little boy replied, head bowed. Looking up, he said, “Daddy, may I borrow ten dollars, please?”

The father was furious. “If the only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you’re being so selfish. I work long, hard hours every day and don’t have time for such childish games.”

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even madder about the little boy’s questioning. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money!

After an hour or so, the man had calmed down and started to think he might have been a little hard on his son. Maybe he really needed to buy something with that ten dollars, and he really didn’t ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door. “Are you asleep, son?” he asked.

“No, Daddy, I’m awake,” replied the boy.

“I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier,” said the man. “It’s been a long day, and I took my aggravation out on you. Here’s that ten dollars you asked for.”

The little boy sat straight up, beaming. “Oh, thank you, Daddy!” he yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled-up bills. The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at the man.

“Why did you want more money if you already had some?” the father grumbled.

“Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied. “Daddy, I have twenty dollars now. Can I buy an hour of your time?”[1]

Your kids aren’t impressed with all your accomplishments. The only thing that really impresses them is your time and attention. Not spending enough time with our kids creates anger in them. There’s really no greater insult than being ignored.

To realize that our kids love us, they want to respect us, and they want a relationship with us is a wonderful thing. “They just may be the only people in the world who want to love you, who want to respect you. With everyone else you have to work for those things. When we come to our kids and apologize, they want to repair the relationship with us. But when we refuse to humble ourselves, when we break our promises, when we publicly embarrass them or compare them or abuse them or ignore them, then anger begins to sour their souls.”[2]

Think about that for a minute. Just by the virtue of who you are, and for no other reason, your kids want to love you. What a gift from God! It doesn’t matter whether you’re rich or poor or what you’ve accomplished. Just because you’re you, they want to love and respect you. Even kids whose dads are in prison or are terrible role models still want to love and respect their fathers. Only after years and years of disappointment do they lose that feeling. (Actually, I don’t think they ever lose it; they just guard their hearts to shield themselves from the pain.)

Your kids want to respect you. Yet sometimes we thoughtlessly trample on that gift. I know I have. God gives us that gift, and the only way we ever lose it is by our own actions and words. Only we can take away that instinctual desire that God places in our kids’ hearts—no one else can. No one else could talk it out of our kids or even beat it out of them. That’s the one thing they will hang on to more tightly than anything else.

The most wonderful thing about the gift of a child’s respect is that even if we do trample on it, when we come to our children with a humble and repentant heart and ask for their forgiveness, the gift can often be reborn in them. It is never too late to seek the love of your kids.

Don’t let your life get in the way of your family. Especially when the kids are young, men feel compelled to immerse themselves in work in order to get ahead and be successful in life. Even later on, some of us are still driven toward success and accomplishments that are well beyond our needs. Sometimes the reason for being driven is one of two things: either we are subconsciously trying to get the approval from our fathers that we never got as a boy, or we are angry at him and want to “show” him he was wrong about us—that we are worthwhile. Don’t let those unresolved issues drive a wedge between you and the kind of father you want to be to your kids.

Time is the most valuable, and the most limited, resource we have to give to our children. Your son needs your time more than he needs your money.

Mistake #4—Pushing for Performance

I have a tendency to too often judge my children’s efforts by their performance. The reality is that an individual can do his personal best in an area in which he is not gifted and still fall short of average performance. Likewise, a person who is gifted in an area can do well while applying very little effort. Which scenario should be applauded more? I think it’s more important for your son’s heart to be in the right place—for him to do things for the right reasons—than for him to be judged by the results of his efforts or performance. Sometimes I try to force my kids to behave a certain way by laying down the law instead of steering their behavior by changing the direction and focus of their hearts. As adults, our image of God is strongly influenced by the image we have of our earthly father. When we are overly critical or too strong as disciplinarians, we project to our children the image of a God who judges them on their performance. Instead, we should let our example teach them about his grace. By changing their hearts, we can make them want to change their behavior instead of forcing them to change through submission to our authority.

As men we often judge ourselves (and others) through comparison. We compare our achievements to see how we measure up. Unfortunately, we usually measure performance against the best, almost never with realistic expectations. We then wonder why we can’t stack up against the professional athlete, the rich business magnate, or the man married to the supermodel. And we compare our sons against his best-performing peers as well. It’s not very fair to us, and it’s certainly not fair to your son to hold him up to such unattainable standards.

You can have high expectations for your son and exhort him to do his best. Remember, however, that mistakes are opportunities to coach your son, not to criticize him. In my experience, everything will work out just fine after that.

Mistake #5—Forgetting to Have Fun

We so easily get caught up in the complexities and stresses of everyday life. This is especially true for those who take responsibilities seriously. But part of a dad’s charm is his ability to have fun. Let yourself go and remember all the goofy things that make life worth living. Have fun with your son while he’s still a boy. Take some time to just goof off. You’ll have plenty of time to be serious and somber. One of the things kids appreciate most about their father is his sense of humor. When Dad has life under control, he values the humorous side of life and shows it to his kids.

Even the way a man plays with a young child helps develop specific portions of the child’s brain. With his roughhousing behavior, such as tossing his child in the air, a man signals that it is safe to take risks—provided, of course, he catches the child before he hits the ground. Men who play with their small children help develop fundamental portions of the children’s brains, giving them greater confidence and the ability to take risks throughout life.

The child, especially a boy, learns that risk-taking can be fun, rewarding, and sometimes dangerous. Good-natured wrestling with dad or other males also promotes physical development, emotional well-being, and self-esteem.

Remember how much fun it was to go to the dump with your dad? How about to carnivals, rock quarries, construction sites, and shooting galleries? The fondest memories I have of my childhood are when my stepfather let his hair down and acted goofy. All of us kids laughed ourselves stupid whenever he told funny stories or danced a silly jig. Sometimes he’d allow my sisters to put curlers in his hair to create a ridiculous hairdo. He once challenged me to a footrace around the block at three o’clock in the morning.

When my kids were little, we played “ride ’em horsey,” with each child taking turns wearing out my knees riding me around the house. Our special game was “pin the bear.” Both kids ran full speed and leaped onto me, trying to wear me out and pin the bear to the ground. The battle would rage back and forth until little Kelsey, finally pinned by the bear and abandoned by her brother, would holler, “Hep me! . . . Hep me!” as the bear growled and nuzzled her neck with his whiskers.

Humor seems to compensate for a lot of foibles. Besides, a dad needs humor just to survive some of the potholes along the road of fatherhood.

Mistake #6—Fearing Failure

I spent much of my life avoiding anything I wasn’t perfect at because I was afraid to fail. This has caused me to have a number of regrets. There are two kinds of pain—the pain of discipline weighs pounds, but the pain of regret weighs tons. The regrets I have in life are mostly of things I didn’t do, not of things I did do. Oh, I regret some things I’ve done over the years (I’ve done many things I’m not proud of), but I don’t regret my sins of commission like I do my sins of omission. Missing opportunities, having an apathetic attitude, and not searching for significance were all choices I made that I regret deeply. I was raised to believe that failure is the worst thing of all. But it’s not. I’ve come to understand that true failure is never reaching out to attempt something great, to try to reach your full potential. You only fail when you don’t try.

This may sound strange, but I guess I regret never failing. Some people would feel proud of that, but never failing means you’re never really doing anything. I believe in basketball coach John Wooden’s philosophy that the team that makes the most mistakes will win the game. If my team is not making mistakes, it’s because they are not trying very hard; they are not doing anything but standing around watching the action. They are not actively participating. The same can be said about life.

I regret all the times I was impatient with my children and didn’t give them the attention they deserved. I’ve told Frank many times that he needs to know that whatever mistakes I made as a dad—and I made many—those mistakes were my problem; they never had anything to do with him. He deserved more love and better fathering than I was capable of giving him. I also told him that if I were ever to hear him speak to his kids like I’d spoken to him in the past, it would break my heart because I would know where those hurtful words had come from.

You have the power to hurt or help people’s lives; treat it with respect. It’s almost like having a superpower: it can be very destructive, so you must always use it for good.

I think about Samson, who was marked by God for greatness yet settled for just being a strong guy (see Judges 13–16). I think all men have been marked by God for greatness, yet the best of us just settle for being strong or better than average. Coach Wooden said, “Do not permit what you cannot do to interfere with what you can do.”[3]

Think about what God created you for—what gifts did he give you? Then look for opportunities to use those gifts for his glory. Don’t be afraid to fail.

Mistake #7—Abusing Your Power

Several years ago, during a rare bout of brutal self-honesty, I discovered that I treated my employees better than I treated my wife and children. I heard myself saying things to my family I would never say to my employees. If another man had made those kinds of statements to my wife or kids, I would have physically confronted him. Why did I feel free to verbally wound those I treasure more than anything else in the world with words that I would never dream of saying to a stranger?

The greater your love for someone, the greater your capacity to experience a wide range of emotions toward him or her—including the harmful emotions of irritation, resentment, anger, and rage.[4] Often these are transferred emotions. We’re really mad at something or someone else, or even ourselves, but our family is a “safe” entity to dump our anger on.

When we exhibit wrathful behavior, we lose our effectiveness as leaders of our homes. We have to remember our place as God’s representatives in leading our families.

John Emerich Edward Dalberg said, “Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.”[5] As fathers we pretty much have absolute power within our homes. We must take care not to become corrupted, allowing that power to bring out the worst in us.

Your position never gives you the right to command. It only imposes on you the duty of living your life so that others can receive your orders without being humiliated.[6]

Two verses from the Bible in particular remind us men to go easy on our sons. One is Ephesians 6:4, which says, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” In other words, do not be unreasonably severe or ridicule your children. Colossians 3:21 says, “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” A father must be careful not to frustrate or discourage his children. Rules should be reasonable, not arbitrary. A father should train his children the same way God disciplines and teaches him.

When I think of the things I’ve said to my boy, when my tongue was like a double-edged sword, I realize I’ve been guilty at times of both discouraging and exasperating him.

One area in which I had to learn self-discipline was controlling my anger. I think more and deeper damage is done to relationships by anger than any other factor. Women and children are both severely affected by a man’s wrath. When we fail to control our tempers, we do not model noble leadership skills to our sons.

Anger has a place, but it is rare. Commonplace, angry displays of temper are more often than not actually a substitute for a lack of leadership skills on the part of an insecure leader.[7]

Hugh O’Neill summarizes a man’s repressed anger well: “I am absolutely sure that a lot of Daddy anger has more to do with unrealized dreams than with messy rooms. Trust me. You’re not really angry at your kids. You’re angry at somebody else, somebody who is a far less distinguished person than he dreamed of being.”[8] I think that sums up a lot of my anger as a young father.

God has given us men great power that can be used for good or evil. Just look around at some of the problems men have created in other people’s lives. Then look at some of the great things men have accomplished to benefit others. It’s an awesome power. But with it comes the need to understand it and use it responsibly. Former United Nations Secretary General Dag Hammerskjöld said, “Only he deserves power who every day justifies it.”[9]

A number of years ago I realized that I had gotten into the terrible habit of saying no every time one of my kids asked me something. This was clearly an abuse of my power as a father. I often said no merely as a reflex reaction, even though later I realized I had no good reason for rejecting their request. I explained to my son and daughter that if I did not have time to properly process their request before they expected an answer, I would be more likely to decline it. Now they know to give me some time to process their request before expecting an answer.

Remember to be careful what you promise. Many times we say things or make commitments that we can’t keep. These broken vows don’t seem like a big deal to us, but they are huge to your son. Anything you say short of “no” is usually taken as a promise by your children. Be judicious about the promises you make. If you are not absolutely positive that you can keep them, do not make them. Your tongue has great power.

Many things in life, such as firearms or prescription drugs, have the power to be used for good or to be abused. You wouldn’t take something of great power like a nuclear warhead and abuse it, would you? No, you’d respect the potential it has for devastation (although many men I know might be tempted to take it apart to see how it works). The same goes with the power God has put in you. Learn all you can about that power, and use it wisely. Then teach your son about the potential destructiveness with which men are endowed. Teach him to use power responsibly.

Questions for Reflection and Discussion

1. What do you consider the three biggest mistakes you’ve made as a father? What did you learn from them?

2. Develop a list of strengths and weaknesses your son possesses. How can you help nurture his strengths so he succeeds in life?

3. Chart the actual amount of time you spend each day with your son over a week’s time. How does this amount of time differ from what you thought it would be?

3

Making a Noble Man

Scripture’s favorite description of a warrior is captured in the oft-repeated phrase “mighty men of valor.” Valor is a matter of character. Webster defines valor as “strength of mind and spirit.” It is this soulish strength, this personal bravery, which “enables a man to encounter danger with firmness.” It is the warrior’s heart and soul which is the fountainhead of courage, sacrifice, and unselfishness.

Stu Weber, Spirit Warrior

On the Friday following the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks against our country, I was scheduled to have lunch with my good friend Jim. Jim is the pastor of a small start-up church here in Oregon. As we stood in line to order our food, Jim leaned over and whispered, “I’m going to pray out loud at noon like President Bush requested.” Jim was really nervous and asked if I had any suggestions on how to go about this. I responded somewhat tritely but truthfully, “Nope. Better you than me.”

As the noon hour approached, Jim stood up and said in a loud voice to the entire restaurant, “Could I have your attention, please? President Bush has asked the nation to pray for our country at noon today. I don’t want to offend anyone, but we’re going to be praying at our table, and I’d like to invite you to join us if you want.”

A stunned silence greeted Jim’s speech. Frankly, I admit, I was a little embarrassed. Jim sat down, and as we waited the five minutes for noon to arrive, no one came over. Just before we began to pray, a woman approached with her young son in tow and asked, “Could we join you? I think what you are doing is great.”

At the appointed time Jim began to pray out loud. With my head bowed, I heard the scraping of one or two other people pulling up chairs around our table. Jim prayed for our country, our president and other leaders, the emergency workers, our military personnel, and the families of the victims of the attacks. He prayed passionately from his heart. I estimate he prayed for about twenty minutes. During the whole time I did not hear any talking, music, or even doors opening and closing.

As he finished I opened my eyes and looked around. What I saw astounded me. The entire restaurant—perhaps twenty-five people, including the cooks and servers—were gathered around our table. Many had tears in their eyes. An entire restaurant had halted its operations during the busiest time of day. The owner came over with tears in her eyes and thanked us, saying, “You can pray here anytime you’d like.”

Everyone had stopped what they were doing and come over to pray, all because of the courage and leadership of one man. It was one of the manliest displays I’ve ever seen. Now whenever I say or hear Jim’s name, this example of his leadership and courage will always come to mind.

I’m especially pleased that the young mother who first joined us brought her son. She showed much courage by being the first one to break the silence with action, thereby freeing up everyone else to act as well. Her son was blessed to have witnessed the courage displayed by both his mother and Jim.

Mighty Men

Preston Gillham says, “The story of a man’s life is the classic tale of a struggle between right and wrong, good and evil. He lives with constant tension, and how he conquers life and establishes himself proves if he truly understands masculinity or if he is misinformed about manhood.”[10]

Boys have a way of becoming what you encourage them to be. The Greek philosopher Heraclitus said, “A man’s character is his fate.” Let’s look at some of the character traits we need to instill in our sons to make their fate one of noble masculinity.

Perseverance

Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan “press on” has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.

Calvin Coolidge

The character trait of perseverance is fast becoming lost in our culture. Greatness is born by perseverance in the face of adversity. Few things worth doing are ever easy.

Marriages and families sometimes face hard times. Boys must learn to persevere in the face of adversity if they are to struggle forward later, during the even tougher seasons of life. Perseverance is probably one of the toughest things to teach boys. It requires us to resist the urge to rescue them when they are struggling. Letting them suffer goes against our nature, but suffer they must if they are to develop the strength for the long haul.

James 1:2–4 speaks of persevering during tough times: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

Life isn’t easy—it’s not meant to be. Sometimes I feel like an old lion surrounded by a pack of hyenas, a once-mighty beast who’s a little older, a little more tired, and a little slower. Every time I swat at one of the filthy, despicable scavengers, another is nipping at my rear end—all the while patiently stalking me and waiting for the opportunity to take me down for the final time. But I just keep getting back up.

When faced with the challenges and disappointments of life, we can respond in one of two ways. One way is to quit and blame someone else. People who do that end up with nothing in life. There’s much truth in the saying, “Winners never quit, and quitters never win.” Or we can look at setbacks as an opportunity to grow and improve ourselves—even as an opportunity to prove others wrong about us.

Strength does not quit. It finishes the task in spite of any difficulty, stays on course in spite of any hazard, and maintains pace in spite of any confrontation.[11]

When my son, Frank, was in sixth grade, he decided that he wanted to go out for the middle school wrestling team. I had wrestled all through high school, so I knew what he would be getting into. My son is a great kid, but he doesn’t have a mean bone in his body.

After we discussed some of the harder aspects of wrestling, such as exercising vigorously, practicing constantly, watching your weight, and getting slammed to the floor repeatedly, he decided that he still wanted to try out. I have a firm rule with my kids: I don’t care what they attempt, but they must stick with it for a reasonable amount of time, usually a season. So with that reminder in mind, Frank trundled off to the wrestling team.

Frank was heavy for his age, and since wrestlers are divided by weight classes, he naturally ended up wrestling eighth graders most of the time in practice. The difference in muscle mass between sixth-and eighth-grade boys can be huge. Many eighth graders have been through puberty and are developing man-like muscles—most sixth graders haven’t. Two weeks into the season, Frank wanted to quit the team. He was getting hurt by the older boys in practice. He was coming home bruised and battered, crying and saying, “They are hurting me. I just don’t want to be hurt anymore!” It broke my heart to look into Frank’s teary eyes and tell him he couldn’t quit. He was going to have to suck it up and be a man, to finish what he started. I prayed many times to God to confirm that I was doing the right thing.

To make matters worse, my wife was giving me “the look.” You know the look. The one that says you’ve got a better than fifty-fifty chance of sleeping outside with the dog if this goes badly. That look.

To make a long story short, I made Frank stay on the team. In his first wrestling contest, he was matched against a young fellow bigger than he was but about his age and maturity level. During the first two rounds and most of the third, Frank was tossed around the mat like a chew toy in the jaws of a puppy. His main strategy was to adopt a turtle-like posture on his belly—probably a defense mechanism learned from wrestling older and bigger boys in practice. Survival was his only goal. However, at the end of the match, his opponent, exhausted from pushing Frank’s weight around the mat, inexplicably dropped and rolled over onto his back. Frank looked up in surprise, fell on top of him, and pinned him! Suddenly Frank’s whole countenance changed. He jumped up, dancing around the ring on his toes with his arms in the air.

As he looked at me across the gym, he knew that the hours of hard work and pain had paid off. The reward was his because he had not quit when the going was tough. And the reward was that much sweeter—like cool, clear water refreshing his parched soul—because of the agonies he’d endured.

We soon discovered, however, we had created a monster. Frank went on to pin his next seven opponents before finally coming back down to earth. He never wrestled again after that season, but it provided him with several valuable lessons he’ll remember his whole life—lessons such as hard work is its own reward, persistence and perseverance are rewarded, and you must finish what you start.

People today—men in particular—seem to quit more easily than they used to. They quit their jobs, they quit their marriages, they quit sports, they quit school, and they quit life whenever obstacles stand in their way or circumstances become too difficult. I’ve hired quite a number of young men straight out of college. They seem to believe that they are entitled to the same pay, working conditions, and job status as their fathers who have been in the workforce for twenty-five years. When that doesn’t happen right away, they quit. In our era of instant gratification, the concept of “paying one’s dues” has been lost in the rush to acquire as many material possessions as possible as quickly as possible.

James 1:12 says, “Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.”

I have friends who have given up when the going got tough. These men, seemingly strong and manly on the outside, did not have the intestinal fortitude to keep fighting the good fight when the battles in their lives got fierce. They quit at the first twinge of pain. I shudder when I think of the examples they set in their sons’ eyes.

I also have good friends who have struggled through failing businesses, daughters with eating disorders, marital problems, wayward children, cancer, and other illnesses. These men stayed the course and persevered during their times of struggle. They have come through their trials confident and strong in their faith. These men are an inspiration to me. Not surprisingly, each of these men’s sons has a strong faith in God and a well-developed sense of perseverance.

Help your son understand the rewards that await him by overcoming and persevering through difficult circumstances. Character is forged in the furnace of affliction.

Mental Toughness and Resiliency

Sometimes life just knocks us flat on our backside. Out of the blue we get let go from a seemingly secure job, our wife leaves us unexpectedly for another man, or a serious illness sneaks up and jumps on our back. A man with mental toughness might get knocked down by these kinds of events, but like a modern-day gladiator, he refuses to stay down. He gets back up swinging.

One of my favorite movies, Rudy, is based on a true story. The main character, Daniel “Rudy” Ruettiger, played by actor Sean Astin, is a young man from a blue-collar family with the dream of playing football for the University of Notre Dame. A student with poor grades and no money, he overcomes tremendous odds just getting accepted into Notre Dame. First he worked in a steel mill for four years to raise money. Then he attended Holy Cross College for two years to raise his grade point average high enough to meet Notre Dame’s admission standards. On top of this, he had to work in order to pay tuition.

When faced with disappointment after disappointment, Rudy asked himself, Have I done everything I possibly can? Finally, after a long struggle and many disappointments, Rudy was accepted as a student at Notre Dame.

But being accepted to Notre Dame was only the beginning of his struggles. Being short, slow, and athletically challenged made making the football team seemingly impossible. As his boss told him, “You’re five feet nothing and a hundred and nothing. And you’ve got hardly a speck of athletic ability.” Only his attitude, courage, and persistence during tryouts gained him the admiration of a line coach, who gave him one of the precious few spots on the practice squad.

The practice squad ran the opposing team’s plays each week against the first string. Rudy refused to allow the bigger players to stop crushing him in practice because he didn’t want his weakness to hurt the team’s chances of winning. Battered and bloodied, he sacrificed his all for the good of the team. After two years of allowing himself to be annihilated in practice by players much bigger, stronger, and faster than himself, he had earned the unconditional respect of every one of his teammates. Rudy’s mental toughness had made up for his physical shortcomings.

Rudy’s ultimate dream was for his father to see him on the playing field with the team during a game. None of his family believed he was really on the team because the practice squad did not “suit up” for games. Finally, at the insistence of all of the starting players, he was given a chance to suit up for the last game of the season his senior year. At the end of the game, with all the fans and his teammates chanting his name, he was even allowed into the game for the final play, and he tackled the opposing quarterback. He was subsequently carried off the field by the team to the wild cheers of the crowd.

Rudy’s resiliency and positive attitude despite overwhelming odds impacted everyone who came in contact with him. His example of what we are capable of when we just don’t quit should be an inspiration to all men and boys.

Commitment

It takes a real man to be a father. Almost any adult male can perform a physical act and produce a child. But that doesn’t make him a father. Being a father takes commitment. This is precisely why a dedicated stepfather is capable of being a better dad than an uninvolved biological father.

Several years ago, I was coaching the girls’ JV basketball team at one of our local high schools. On trips for away games I made it my practice to sit at the front of the bus while the girls sat in the back. If you’ve ever been around a dozen sixteen-year-old girls, you understand—the noise can be deafening. One particular evening while returning home from a game, the bus was unusually quiet. As we entered town I heard a plaintive voice from the back exclaim, “There’s where my daddy lives!” The longing and sadness in her voice broke my heart. Suddenly several other voices piped up. “My daddy lives at such-and-such address. Where does your daddy live?” Hearing these good girls long for their fathers brought tears to my eyes. I estimated from observations and comments I’d overheard during the season that about half of the team came from single-parent homes.

Remarkably, very few parents attended the games, and even fewer fathers showed up. These girls were nice, well mannered, and academically successful, yet each longed for the same thing—her daddy. I wish their fathers could have been on that bus and heard the anguished cries of their children’s souls that night.

Another scenario occurred on my daughter’s high school soccer team. My daughter and several other girls were sitting around after practice discussing their favorite topics—boys and shopping. As my daughter was bemoaning the fact that even though I supplied the money, I still went with her and monitored the kinds of clothes she bought, one of the girls stated sadly, “I’d give anything just to have my daddy around to go shopping with me.” Several other girls readily agreed, causing my daughter to look at her shopping experiences in a whole new light.

Sociologist David Blankenhorn believes every man in the United States should be requested to take the following pledge:

Many people today believe that fathers are unnecessary. I believe the opposite. I pledge to live my life according to the principle that every child deserves a father; that marriage is the pathway to effective fatherhood; that part of being a good man means being a good father; and that America needs more good men.[12]

Being a husband and father takes commitment. Commitment is keeping the promises we’ve made, including implicit promises, such as when we commit to being a parent by simply becoming one. Your son will need this character trait when things get tough. Without it, he will let down those who depend upon him for their survival.

Integrity

A task becomes a duty from the moment you suspect it to be an essential part of that integrity which alone entitles a man to assume responsibility.

Dag Hammerskjöld, Markings

Integrity is doing the right thing no matter the circumstances. Integrity is not situational ethics. How can you teach your son to be an upright man of integrity in a deceitful and distrustful world? This story by Al Covino illustrates the kind of integrity I want my son to exhibit.

As a high school coach, I did all I could to help my boys win their games. I rooted as hard for victory as they did.

A dramatic incident, however, following a game in which I officiated as a referee, changed my perspective on victories and defeats. I was refereeing a league championship basketball game in New Rochelle, New York, between New Rochelle and Yonkers High.

New Rochelle was coached by Dan O’Brien, Yonkers by Les Beck. The gym was crowded to capacity, and the volume of noise made it impossible to hear. The game was well played and closely contested. Yonkers was leading by one point as I glanced at the clock and discovered there were but 30 seconds left to play.

Yonkers, in possession of the ball, passed off—shot—missed. New Rochelle recovered—pushed the ball up court—shot. The ball rolled tantalizingly around the rim and off. The fans shrieked.

New Rochelle, the home team, recovered the ball, and tapped it in for what looked like victory. The tumult was deafening. I glanced at the clock and saw that the game was over. I hadn’t heard the final buzzer because of the noise. I checked with the other official, but he could not help me.

Still seeking help in this bedlam, I approached the timekeeper, a young man of 17 or so. He said, “Mr. Covino, the buzzer went off as the ball rolled off the rim, before the final tap-in was made.”

I was in the unenviable position of having to tell Coach O’Brien the sad news. “Dan,” I said, “time ran out before the final basket was tapped in. Yonkers won the game.”

His face clouded over. The young timekeeper came up. He said, “I’m sorry, Dad. The time ran out before the final basket.”

Suddenly, like the sun coming out from behind a cloud, Coach O’Brien’s face lit up. He said, “That’s okay, Joe. You did what you had to do. I’m proud of you.”

Turning to me, he said, “Al, I want you to meet my son, Joe.”

The two of them then walked off the court together, the coach’s arm around his son’s shoulder.[13]

That is precisely the kind of choice we need to reward our boys for making. Integrity like that is taught by the lifestyle we lead, the example we set as men.

One man I know spent a year in jail, losing his business, his house, and his life savings, because he refused to tell a judge that he would quit picketing an abortion clinic. He lost what the world says is important, all because he believed strongly enough in the biblical principle of “thou shalt not murder” that he was willing to stand by his values. That man’s kids may have lost some material goods and some time with their father, but they have a dad they can look up to in legendary proportions. What an incredible example to set for your children. The legacy he leaves will impact generations. His heirs will be talking about what he did for many years to come.

Value what is right over what is popular. That provides a foundation upon which to build integrity and leadership skills.

Loyalty

As much as children need love from a dad, they also need a dad who is a loyal warrior, involved in the battles they face every day. During the Barcelona Olympics an unforgettable father-son scene occurred. You probably remember that moment when desperate failure was instantly transformed to high achievement by the love of a father.

Derek Redmond of Great Britain had trained for the Olympic 400-meter run for years. After the Seoul Olympics, he had a total of five operations on both Achilles tendons, but he bounced back. He was running well and competing in the Olympic semifinals.

Halfway around the track, however, Derek’s right hamstring gave way. He fell to the track in agony, sprawled across the fifth lane.

The television cameras focused on defending Olympic champion Steve Lewis as he won the race and headed toward the tunnel. Medical attendants urged Derek to stay still, but he pushed them aside, struggled to his feet, and began hopping in a crazed attempt to finish the race.

Then something remarkable happened. Jim Redmond, Derek’s father, witnessed his son’s struggles from high up in the stands. Jim Redmond probably knew before anyone in the stands that something wasn’t right. He also must have known that the best thing for his son’s leg would be for him to sit down and get immediate treatment.

But this father also knew his son. He’d watched his son train for this moment for four years. His son had come to Barcelona for one reason: to finish this race. He knew how important that was to his son, and he was willing to do whatever it took to see his son achieve that goal.

Jim Redmond came rumbling out of the stands in his shorts and white T-shirt. All he knew was that his son needed help.

He flung a security guard out of his way and ran to his son, who was just reaching the homestretch. Jim Redmond put his arm around his son and said, “You don’t have to do this.”

“Yes, I do,” said Derek.

“Well, then,” said Jim, without hesitating, “we’re going to finish this together.”

The crowd realized that Derek Redmond was running the race of his life. They stood and cheered—just as I wanted to do as I fought back the tears when I saw it on television.

Derek leaned against his father, sometimes burying his face in his shoulder to hide his tears, and they stayed in Derek’s lane all the way to the finish line. An usher attempted to intercede and escort Jim Redmond off the track, but his efforts were futile. They crossed the finish line, father and son, arm in arm.[14]

Jim Redmond was one loyal dad. How does one develop loyalty like that in a boy? You teach loyalty by being loyal. Does your son believe that you always have his best interests at heart—even when he’s mad because you won’t let him do what “everybody else is doing”? Does he know that you will stand by him even when everyone else is against him? Loyal dads produce loyal sons.

Loyal people stick with you when all else is in turmoil. Loyal people will still love you even when they know you. They are people who, despite your human failures, still believe in you. Those are the kind of people I want in my life.

Manners

This is the final test of a gentleman: his respect for those who can be of no possible value to him.

William Lyon Phelps

Teach your son how to treat others. Politeness is just plain good manners, and good manners never go out of style. Manners show respect for others, regardless of their status or attitude.

Perhaps the best model to hold up to boys is the Boy Scouts credo, “On my honor I promise to be trustworthy, loyal, helpful, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent.” Not a bad model for a young man to aspire to, is it?

I believe that each of us has been blessed by God with individual gifts. Some people have the gift of athletic ability, some have been blessed with intellect, others are great orators or writers, and some are destined to be great leaders. In trying to determine what each of my children’s God-given gifts are, I’ve come to realize that my son has been blessed with the gift of “likability.” Everywhere we go, whatever situation he is involved in, people like him and are drawn to him in a remarkably short period of time. I think, after observing this phenomenon for the past several years, that it is at least in part due to the fact that he is unfailingly polite and equally open to everyone—except his sister, of course. Even when treated rudely, he continues to be polite to others, and they eventually respond in kind. I’m not sure how he learned to hone this gift (he certainly didn’t catch it from me), but it works. Consequently, people want to spend time around him, are compelled to help him, and want to see him succeed. The gift of being polite and well mannered opens doors for him that might otherwise be closed, and it will probably help him to be successful throughout his lifetime, no matter what he chooses to accomplish.

Courage

Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong.

1 Corinthians 16:13

Edmund Burke said, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” It sure seems like a lot of men today are allowing evil to flourish just by doing nothing. One man who did do something to thwart evil was Todd Beamer.

On September 11, 2001, Todd Beamer, a Wheaton College graduate and evangelical Christian, was one of the passengers aboard United Airlines Flight 93 when it was hijacked by terrorists.

After passengers were herded to the back of the jet, Beamer called the GTE Customer Center in Oakbrook, Illinois. He told supervisor Lisa Jefferson about the hijacking. The passengers were planning to jump the terrorists, he said. And then he asked her to pray with him.

As Flight 93 hurtled toward destruction, Todd Beamer could not have known that his quiet prayers would ultimately be heard by millions—that the story of his last acts on earth would be a witness to the Lord he loved and serve as a lasting example of true heroism.

Up to this moment, Beamer had been all business. “Lisa,” he said suddenly.

“Yes?” responded Jefferson.

“That’s my wife’s name,” said Beamer.

“Well, that’s my name too, Todd,” said Jefferson.

“Oh, my God,” said Beamer. “I don’t think we’re going to get out of this thing. I’m going to have to go out on faith.”

Jefferson tried to comfort him. “Todd,” she said, “you don’t know that.”

Beamer asked her to promise to call his wife if he didn’t make it home. He told her about his little boys and the new baby on the way. Then he said that the passengers were going to try to jump the hijackers.

“Are you sure that’s what you want to do, Todd?” asked Jefferson.

“It’s what we have to do,” he answered. He asked her to pray with him. Beamer kept a Lord’s Prayer bookmark in his Tom Clancy novel, but he didn’t need any prompting. He began to recite the litany, and she joined him: “Our Father, who art in heaven . . .”

After they finished, Beamer said, “Jesus, help me.” He recited the Twenty-third Psalm. Then Jefferson heard him say:

“Are you guys ready? Let’s roll.”

We now know from the cockpit voice recorder that Beamer and other passengers wrestled with the hijackers and forced the plane to crash into the ground, killing themselves but foiling what was believed to have been the hijackers’ plan to fly Flight 93 into the Capitol or the White House. It wasn’t Todd Beamer’s job to fight terrorists. He was just a passenger who along with several other brave men and women did what they didn’t have to do and ended up foiling a terrible evil that might have been done to his country.

Todd Beamer was one of many heroes on Flight 93 that day. Whatever his heroism was inspired by, what matters most is that in the end, he did act heroically.[15]

Todd Beamer showed one kind of courage—physical courage. Other kinds of courage are just as difficult and just as heroic. Courage, or bravery, is simply doing what needs to be done even though you’re scared and tired. It is the ability to confront fear in the face of pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation. It’s not standing on the sidelines of complacency.

Courage often requires the willingness to sacrifice for others. That’s the kind of courage your son needs to lead a family—the courage to continue to do what is right even when all those around him are calling for him to compromise. The courage to sacrifice his needs and desires for the betterment of others. The courage to get up and go to work every day when he hates his job. The courage to stay married when he could more easily run off with the woman from work who “really understands me.” The courage to live after a child has died. The courage to face, and possibly even overcome, a life-threatening disease. The courage to speak out against immorality when no one else seems to care. The courage to stand by his convictions in the face of overwhelming criticism.

Compassion

Our world has a great need for compassion, as this story illustrates:

It’s no secret that America is in the midst of a spiritual and moral crisis. Polls today indicate that most Americans are deeply concerned about the direction our nation is heading. The real problem is a critical shortage of people who care enough to get off the sidelines and make a difference. Sometimes it only takes one person to turn the flow from negative to positive.

Take, for instance, Babe Ruth, the most famous baseball player of all time. The Babe finished his career in a slump, and according to one legendary story, he was jeered mercilessly one day in Cincinnati. As he made his customary trot off the field to the dugout, the fans began to yell obscenities at him. The booing intensified until a little boy jumped a fence and ran to his hero’s side. The child threw his arms around Babe’s legs, crying as he fiercely hugged him. Moved by the young lad’s display of affection and emotion, Ruth gently swept the boy upwards and into his arms. As they walked off the field, the man and boy cried together.

Suddenly, the hoots, howls and curses ceased. The eerie silence was replaced by a thunderous ovation. Fans of all ages now began to weep.[16]

Compassion is the ability to empathize with and have sympathy for another’s feelings. It is the ability to extend mercy. If our sons do not learn this character trait, how will they ever be able to truly understand and appreciate God’s gift to us? How too will they be able to competently father through situations in which they have no experience? Compassion will enable them to understand when their fifteen-year-old daughter’s hormonal spikes cause her behavior to surge back and forth between calm rationality one minute and raging lunacy the next. Or to stay strong when everything in their world seems to be going wrong.

Self-Discipline and Self-Control

As we drove home from the county fair one afternoon, my son commented, “I hate it that you’re so critical of other drivers. You always yell at them and criticize them.”

My first thought was, It’s because they’re all such knuckle-heads. My second thought was, Oh, man, he’s right. I was being critical of every other driver on the road—every time I drove anywhere. For the past several years I had been ranting and raving whenever I went anywhere in the car. I was setting a horrible example for my wife and children, and they were sick of listening to me.

I was struck that not only was this a control issue that I needed to deal with, but it had also become a habit—one due to my own lack of self-discipline and self-control.

Self-discipline is doing what we don’t want to do but should. Self-control is not doing something we want to do but shouldn’t.

These two traits are different yet inexplicably interwoven. A lack of one or both of these character traits sinks more men and destroys more lives than any other character deficit. An absence of either of these traits leads men into addictions with drugs, gambling, pornography, drinking, and adultery—all of which are family-destroyers and soul-killers.

These character traits keep a man from doing things in private that he would never do in public. They are inner strengths that a man develops over time with exercise, like a muscle. Typically, if a man lacks self-discipline in one area of his life, he lacks self-control in other areas of his life as well.

Discipline, which is the core of self-discipline, is being able to control your life by having a sense of priorities, by putting first things first. Discipline governs thoughts and actions. In discipline, we have to work hard and develop right habits.[17]

How does a boy develop self-discipline and self-control? One of the ways to develop discipline is to keep score on ourselves. When a boy learns to monitor his own behavior against a code of ethics and principles established by his father, he develops self-discipline and eventually becomes responsible for his own life.

Another way he develops these traits is by being held responsible for his actions—our old friend accountability again. For instance, if your son’s going to a movie is predicated upon his cleaning his room and he doesn’t clean it . . . he can’t go to the movie. If you told him no ice cream if he doesn’t eat his dinner . . . then no ice cream if he doesn’t eat his dinner—even if the rest of his siblings get ice cream. If he’s disrespectful to you . . . well, let’s just say he needs to learn early that it might be a little dangerous to disrespect dad. Let me qualify that last statement by saying that that’s part of a father’s influence—the fear factor. A father’s job is to teach his son the fact that sometimes there are unpleasant consequences to unwise actions. I’m not promoting physical violence here, but unpleasant consequences usually only need to be endured one time to be effective in this type of situation. A big mistake some of today’s “New Age” fathers make is allowing their kids to be disrespectful to them—I’ve seen it many times. Once the inherent, God-given respect with which you have been endowed is lost, you’ll have a hard time getting it back.

You probably know some men whose names you would never associate with the words self-discipline or self-control. What do you think of those men? Probably not what you’d want people to think of when your son’s name is mentioned. In this “instant gratification” world we live in, developing self-control and self-discipline may be the greatest gift you can give your son as he grows into manhood.

Honesty

You must pay for conformity. All goes well as long as you run with conformists. But you, who are honest men in other particulars, know, that there is alive somewhere a man whose honesty reaches to this point also, that he shall not kneel to false gods, and, on the day when you meet him, you sink into the class of counterfeits.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

The dictionary defines honest as “free from deception, truthful, genuine, real, reputable, credible, marked by integrity, frank, upright, just, conscientious, honorable.” Are there any character traits listed here that you don’t want your son to be known for?

One of the hardest things for a man to do is admit when he is wrong. While that’s probably not earth-shattering news to any of us, be aware that your son struggles with the same natural inclination. Males are taught from a young age to always be right, to know how to fix things, to have all the answers. It’s a heavy burden—one compounded by not being honest enough with ourselves and others to admit we are human. Men fall into a trap of believing they have to be perfect. It’s a no-win situation, and we can start remedying the problem by learning how to admit when we are wrong and ask for forgiveness. Males have a much easier time being truthful with others if they are honest with themselves first.

In order to do this, a boy needs to learn about his own individual strengths and weaknesses. Some weaknesses, such as a lustful nature, are inherent in most men. By being honest with himself, a man can be aware of potential character pitfalls. For example, most people would consider me to be a diligent, hardworking man. And I am, but only because I know myself to be lazy in nature. I force myself (through self-discipline) to work hard because I know if I don’t, my natural inclination toward laziness will surface and prevent me from fulfilling the destiny that God has planned for me. Likewise, men, because of their susceptibility to carnal lust, should stay away from areas of temptation such as pornography and strip clubs. Let your son know early on that you expect honesty from him at all times—then model that behavior yourself. A man who is honest with himself is honest to others.

A man’s word is his bond. In fact, a man’s word is the measure of his character. If you give your word to someone, you are making a covenant with that person. So if you tell your wife, son, or daughter that you love them, then turn around and verbally abuse them, break your promises, or act irresponsibly, you have not lived up to your word. You cannot love someone and simultaneously lie to them. It is incongruous behavior. Honesty keeps us from making those kinds of mistakes in our lives.

Humility

Integrity begins with humility. Most young men are filled with pride—I was. But pride infects our thought process and keeps us from being all that we are capable of being. Remember, it’s not about us.

The opposite of pride is humility. Humility is what allows men to achieve great things for a purpose higher than themselves. This includes putting their family’s well-being ahead of their own wants and desires. Peter says this about humility: “All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble’” (1 Pet. 5:5).

But humility seems to have gotten a bad rap today. If someone, especially a man, is called humble or exhibits humility, the connotation is that he is a wimp. Humility is somehow associated with being humiliated, while pride is looked upon as a virtue. Young men are supposed to be confident, cocky, overachieving go-getters who never admit they’re wrong. However, the Webster’s dictionary defines humble as (1) not proud or haughty, (2) not pretentious; unassuming, (3) modest. All in all, pretty good character traits. Some of the wisest, happiest, and most successful men I know are extremely humble individuals.

The Bible says this about pride: “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall” (Prov. 16:18). And about pride versus humility it says: “A man’s pride will bring him low, but the humble in spirit will retain honor” (Prov. 29:23 NKJV).

The older I get, the more stock I put in humility. Maybe it’s because humility comes with maturity.

Men who are humble are often gentle as well—another word that has gotten a bad image in our culture. Understand that meekness or gentleness is not necessarily weakness. Gentleness is really power under control. Jesus was gentle, but no man ever walked the earth with more power—Jesus just controlled his power. I’ve heard gentleness likened to the quivering muscles of a mighty warhorse awaiting battle—power under control. Men who are confident of their place in the world are like powerful, humble warhorses.

We need to teach our sons humility—the humility that comes from others having faith in us.

Trustworthiness

To trust someone is to know that he will stand beside you—that he won’t cut and run when the going gets tough. Preston Gillham says, “Trust is the confidence that continues to believe, even if what you believe appears to be untrue. To my way of thinking, trust is one step deeper than faith.”[18]

One of the ways I typically evaluate a man’s character is asking whether I would trust him to cover my back in battle. Some people (usually men I wouldn’t trust in battle) have commented that it’s a harsh way to judge someone, but I don’t think it is. We are in a war—a spiritual war—and we need people around us we can trust to cover our backs—people who put our well-being ahead of their own. We need men who care enough about us and have our best interests at heart so much that they are willing to challenge our actions and decisions even if we get angry with them.

Men who are trustworthy are dependable. Can he be counted upon? Is his word his bond? Are his wife, children, and friends confident that he will be there for them when times are tough? A man who is dependable can be counted on to do what is best for you and others around him.

These are the kind of men we need as leaders. The Bible puts it this way: “But select capable men from all the people, men who fear God, trustworthy men who hate dishonest gain; and appoint them as officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties and tens. Have them serve as judges for the people at all times; let them bring every difficult case to you, but the simple ones they can decide themselves” (Exod. 18:21–22).

Talk to your son about your own life and what being able to trust someone means to you. If you have trouble trusting due to past experiences, discuss it with him so that he can understand how trustworthiness is such a strong character trait in a man and how damaging it can be when violated.

Honor: The Essence of a Noble Man

A man realizes that he is in a unique position to give honor like no one else, and that no one can truly replace that responsibility for him. He avoids sarcasm, put-downs, belittling words, and ways that diminish the honor of a person.

Stu Weber, Four Pillars of a Man’s Heart

Our discussion of the positive character traits that make a noble man can be summed up in one sentence: A noble man is a man of honor.

Hold your son to the higher standard of honor. Honor defines the character of a man. Character is like granite, withstanding the winds and rains of our culture.

In the movie Rob Roy, Liam Neeson plays Robert Roy MacGregor, a clan chieftain in the early 1700s Scottish Highlands. At the beginning of the movie, Rob Roy has the following conversation with his two young sons about honor:

Son:

Father, will MacGregors ever be kings again?

RR:

All men with honor are kings. But not all kings have honor.

Son:

What is honor?

RR:

Honor is . . . what no man can give you, and none can take away. Honor is a man’s gift to himself.

Son:

Do women have it?

RR:

Women are the heart of honor, and we cherish and protect it in them. You must never mistreat a woman or malign a man, or stand by and see another do so.

Son:

How do you know if you have it?

RR:

Never worry on the getting of it. It grows in you and speaks to you. All you need do is listen.

Fathers have been positioned by God to have a powerful influence to bestow honor on their families. When you teach your son the dignity of honor, you give him a noble vision of masculinity.

The French call it noblesse oblige—the obligation of honorable, generous, and responsible behavior associated with high rank or birth. Honor seems to be one of the key ingredients in fulfilling a man’s life, no matter his nationality or race.

And yet our culture does not promote honor within men. C. S. Lewis said, “We laugh at honor and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate, and bid the geldings be fruitful.”[19] Our world does not seem to hold honor in very high regard; at least, we seldom tout it when it is observed. Then we expect men to act honorably and are shocked when they don’t.

Men need honor. It is essential to our being. Michael Gurian says,

Honor and honor codes are essential to boys and men. Because males are both hardwired and soft wired for performance, they are very conscious of how they perform. Boys develop personal codes of honor, and they are sponge-like in their absorption of codes of honor suggested to them by their nurturing systems. They watch their parents’ honor codes like hawks, remembering every detail. They are vulnerable to the honor codes provided them by mentors. If parents, mentors, and educators don’t provide them with honor training, they will learn honor codes from peers, who sometimes promote codes that are dangerous.[20]

I want my son to have honor. To stand tall as the fierce winds of adversity blow around him. To cherish and protect women and children. To fight for justice and equality. To stand for something.

Questions for Reflection and Discussion

1. Make a list of character traits you want your son to have. Discuss with other men why these traits are important in general and to you in particular. How can you help instill these traits in your son?

2. Think of the best example you’ve witnessed of manly behavior and discuss it with your son.

3. Tell your son what you think makes a man. Ask him what character traits he thinks are manly.

Notes

Chapter 2 Mistakes All Dads Make

[1]. This story was taken from “Share Your Time,” Inspirational Christian Stories and Poems Archive, http://216.71.2.132/texts/topics/makeadifference/sharetime.shtml.

[2]. Joe Stowell, “Imitating the Father,” in A Life of Integrity, ed. Howard Hendricks, 97.

[3]. Coach John Wooden, Wooden: A Lifetime of Observations and Reflections On and Off the Court (Chicago: Contemporary Books, 1997), 199.

[4]. Gary and Carrie Oliver, Raising Sons and Loving It! Helping Your Boys Become Godly Men (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2000), 139.

[5]. John Emerich Edward Dalberg, letter to Bishop Mandell Creighton, The Life and Letters of Mandell Creighton, Louise Creighton, ed. (New York: Longmans, Green and Co., 1904).

[6]. Dag Hammerskjöld, Markings (New York: Ballantine Books, 1964), 88.

[7]. Stu Weber, Spirit Warrior: Strategies for the Battles Christian Men and Women Face Every Day (Sisters, OR: Multnomah, 2001), 127.

[8]. Hugh O’Neill, “Temper, Temper,” Parenting, January 1995.

[9]. Hammerskjöld, Markings, 53.

Chapter 3 Making a Noble Man

[10]. Gillham, Things Only Men Know: What Matters Most in the Life of a Man (Eugene, OR: Harvest House, 1999), 11.

[11]. Ibid., 89.

[12]. David Blankenhorn, Fatherless America (New York: Harper Perennial, 1995).

[13]. Al Covino, “Winners and Winners,” A 4th Course of Chicken Soup for the Soul (Deerfield Beach, FL: HCI, 1997).

[14]. Adapted from Dennis and Barbara Rainey, Moments Together for Couples (Ventura, CA: Regal, 1995). Used with permission. Copyright 1995 by Dennis and Barbara Rainey. All rights reserved.

[15]. Adapted from Lisa Beamer, Let’s Roll: Ordinary People, Extraordinary Courage (Wheaton: Tyndale, 2002).

[16]. “The Easiest Thing to Do Is Nothing,” Inspirational Mail, 2001, http://inspirational mail.com/compassion/do.htm.

[17]. Ron and Matt Jenson, Fathers and Sons: 10 Principles to Make Your Relationship Stronger (Nashville: Broadman & Holman, 1998), 26.

[18]. Gillham, Things Only Men Know, 180.

[19]. C. S. Lewis, The Abolition of Man (New York: MacMillan, 1947), 35.

[20]. Michael Gurian, A Fine Young Man: What Parents, Mentors, and Educators Can Do to Shape Boys into Exceptional Men (New York: Jeremy P. Tarcher, 1999), 239.

Bestselling author and speaker Rick Johnson founded Better Dads, a fathering skills program based on the urgent need to empower men to lead and serve in their families and communities. Rick’s books have expanded his ministry to include influencing the whole family, with life-changing insights for men and women on parenting, marriage, and personal growth. He is a sought-after speaker at many large conferences across the United States and Canada, and is a popular keynote speaker at men’s and women’s retreats and conferences on parenting and marriage. Rick is also a nationally recognized expert in several areas, including the effects of fatherlessness, and has been asked to teach at various educational venues.

To find out more about Rick Johnson, his books, and the Better Dads ministry, or to schedule workshops, seminars, or speaking engagements, please visit www.betterdads.net.

Other books by Rick Johnson

That’s My Son

Better Dads, Stronger Sons

How to Talk So Your Husband Will Listen, and Listen So He Will Talk

The Power of a Man

Becoming Your Spouse’s Better Half

That’s My Teenage Son

That’s My Girl

The Marriage of Your Dreams

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