Reader Comments

The following comments were unsolicited feedback from readers of the emails sent to update our family and friends concerning our battle with cancer and grief. Last names are omitted here to protect confidentiality.

Once again, your update amazes us in its honesty and soul searching. We hope you are saving these updates, as they are the bones of a book which could have a powerful impact on its readers. ~ Ellie

Thank you for continuing to share. Your writings often encourage my faith, but are also often a reminder to me to really cherish what I have been so graciously blessed with by God. ~ Sean

This does not sound like heresy to me, just honesty before God and a community of believers. The openness with which you share your struggles has indeed encouraged me to not feel alone in my lack of faith regarding things in my own life. ~ Sue

Thanks so much for your open heart in sharing the struggles that we all go through but rarely verbalize. ~ Walt

Though all of our issues may differ, we have all come before the Lord with concerns and burdens that are too great for us to bear. Walking this road with you has been an encouragement and has brought many of us to our knees. ~ Bobbie

It is so easy for those of us who are not experiencing anything like what you are going through to be focused only on the minor issues in our own lives…I believe that God has given you this unbearable cross so that many others could witness your journey, and see what it really means to believe. ~ Dessa

I really wish I had kept every email you've written. They should be in a book to help anyone and everyone who reads them with trials and perspective. ~ Annie

You have been willing throughout this to be transparent in your faith journey and our Christian faith family needs more people willing to take off the masks in the midst of great trials. ~ Ellie

I would like to compile your blessed words and send them to a family friend today who have just heard of their 11 year old daughter’s “discovery” and their new fight. My words have no authority, but your words do. ~ Penny

Indeed, you, Howard, and your precious Ann became a real life, ongoing video presentation of the life of faith, lived out in the reality of the darkest of nights and the deepest of valleys. Your lives have shown everyone who knows you an authenticity that transcends spiritual platitudes and easy answers, that often involved nearly debilitating doubts, yet always came out on the side of trusting in the unending love and faithfulness of God. ~ Priscilla

The amazing grace of God through this gut-wrenching journey, and your courage to share it with all of us, has made me a better man. ~ Dan

I learned from you and Ann that there is no such thing as hopelessness. ~ Tonda

When the day comes when tragedy hits my life, I have saved all of the emails from your family because I know it will be a source of strength and a source of hope in God’s grace. Better than any book I could buy or be given. ~ Mandi

It is filled with grit and gratitude, gut-level honesty and heart-filled hope. ~ Dave

Your email gives great insight into the heart of man, who in the wake of the tragic death of his wife dares to ask tough questions and seek honest answers. ~ Keith

While so many only share experiences like this at the end, you choose to share in the midst. It was such a gift of seeing “inside” the struggle of love and faith. Thank you for your gift to me. ~ Shirley

.

HONEST

WRESTLING

Questions of Faith

When Attacked by Life

K. Howard Joslin

Copyright © 2012 by K. Howard Joslin.

Published by Authenticity Book House

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

All scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible: New International Version©. NIV©. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked NASB are taken from the New American Standard Bible, © Copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977 and 1995 by the Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. Both the 1977 and 1995 versions were used.

Scripture quotations marked NET are taken from the New English Translation, copyright © 1997-2003 Biblical Studies Press (www.bible.org). Used by permission.

Cover and interior design by WriteSource Publishing Services

http://www.writesourcepublishingservices.com

Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning)

Words and Music by Alan Jackson

© 2001 EMI APRIL MUSIC INC. AND TRI-ANGELS MUSIC

All Rights Controlled and Administered by EMI APRIL MUSIC INC.

All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by Permission.

Reprinted by Permission of Hal Leonard

Corporation

Praise You in This Storm

Bernie Herms/Mark Hall

© 2005 Sony /ATV Music Publishing LLC, My

Refuge Music, and Publishers(s) Unknown.

All rights on behalf of Sony /ATV Music Publishing

LLC administered by

Sony /ATV Music Publishing LLC, 8 Music Square, Nashville, TN 37203.

All rights reserved. Used by permission.

Praise You in This Storm

Bernie Herms/Mark Hall

© Banahama Tunes (Admin. by Word Music, LLC), Word Music,

LLC, Club Zoo Music, SWECS Music. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

Praise You in This Storm

Bernie Herms/Mark Hall

© 2005 My Refuge Music (BMI) (admin. at EMICMGPublishing.com) /

Word Music (ASCAP) / Club Zoo Music (BMI) / SWECS Music (BMI).

All rights reserved. Used by permission.

I Still Miss You

Daniel Biro, Jason Dunn, Trevor McNevan

© 2008 Bec Recordings Music (SESAC) /

Teerawk Music Publishing (SOCAN) / Daniel Biro Publishing (SESAC) /

Day Thirty-six Music (SESAC)

/ Spinning Audio Vortex, Inc. (BMI) (admin. at

EMICMGPublishing.com)

All rights reserved. Used by permission.

I Will Rise

Chris Tomlin, Jesse Reeves, Louie Giglio, Matt Maher

© 2008 ThankYou Music (PRS)

(admin. worldwide at EMICMGPublishing.com

excluding Europe which is admin. by KingsWaySongs)

/ SpiritAndSong.com Pub (BMI) / SixSteps Music (ASCAP) /

WorshipTogether.com Songs (ASCAP) / Vamos Publishing (ASCAP)

(admin. at EMICMGPublishing.com).

All rights reserved. Used by permission.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid.

.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1: Calisthenics

Chapter 2: The Match Begins

Chapter 3: Wrestling with Cancer

Chapter 4: Halftime

Chapter 5: Wrestling with Death

Appendix: Heaven Guaranteed?

Suggested Resources

Bibliography

End Notes

Dedication

To Ann, my confidant,

complement and best friend.

You fought cancer’s invasion because you wanted to grow old with me, to be there for our kids and to hold our grandkids. Thank you for begging me to join your battle and pray for complete physical healing. Because of the tenacity of your fight, we will always know that you loved us.

The Resurrection is everything to me now. My iPod relentlessly reminds me that: Christ is Risen; He Rose; I Have a Hope; I Can Only Imagine; Save a Place for Me; There Will Be a Day; I Will Rise; and I Will See You Again.

You often teased that I’d better get a good sermon out of all of this adversity.

I hope this book counts.

.

Introduction

I love sports and always find it interesting when a player is “mic’d up” for a big game. You gain a different perspective when eavesdropping in the huddle during the heat of the battle as compared to the semi-prepared speeches of a press conference after the contest has been decided.

Honest Wrestling is an opportunity for you to eavesdrop during the heat of our battle. This book consists primarily of email updates sent to family and friends while my wife Ann battled a rare, incurable cancer. Over time the emails became not only a means of keeping folks appraised of Ann’s condition, but also an occasion for me to reflect on what God might be teaching us through our painful hardship.

The actual dates of my email updates are noted below the vignette titles and are indicators that our “mic” was on during our battle. Vignette titles without dates are my press conference reflections. A few of Ann’s journal entries are also reproduced in this book so that you can overhear her thoughts as well.

Weeping and Typing

I love movies, and We Were Soldiers, starring Mel Gibson, is on my Top Ten list. It grippingly retells the story of America’s first major battle in the Vietnam War. I am moved by the courage, loyalty and sacrifice of the young soldiers on both sides of the conflict, as well as the supreme price paid by their families.

Gibson portrays Lt. Col. Hal Moore, the commander of the 7th Calvary, and Barry Pepper plays Joe Galloway, the only journalist on the ground during this savage and significant battle.[1] At the end of the movie, we observe Galloway at his typewriter, straining to maintain composure as he recounts the pain of that battle. He weeps as he reflects and types.

Like Galloway, I wept at my keyboard as I composed these emails and reflections. I trust that my honesty will encourage you as you wrestle with your own questions of faith.

.

Our Team

Our kids are a significant part of our team so I’d like to introduce them before we begin.

Dallas Theological Seminary, May 2006

Paul was eighteen when we learned that Ann had an aggressive, incurable cancer. He had just graduated from high school and was excited about heading off to college and the adventures before him. He chose, however, to postpone leaving for a semester in order to help out while Ann and I traveled back and forth to M.D. Anderson in Houston for treatments.

Drew was a quiet, contemplative sixteen year-old soccer player when we were slammed with the news of Ann’s cancer. The smoke of that battle darkened his last two years of high school. The pain of her death marred his graduation and his first years of college.

Hannah was twelve and was forced to trek through the junior high years facing the uncertainty of cancer. Trips to M.D. Anderson caused us to miss some of her volleyball matches. Chemo stole her mom’s hair twice; cancer took her mom’s breath away. Ann was painfully absent when Hannah started high school and she wasn’t there when Hannah prepared to attend her first homecoming.

Matt was ten years old. In some ways I hurt the most for him because his childhood has been largely lost. I finished seminary just before Ann was diagnosed and the last two years of study were especially grueling. Our attention was then focused on Ann’s battle, so we didn’t have much left for Matt during his latter elementary years. Ann’s death robbed Matt of a mom in the stands for any of his junior high basketball games, cheering him on and encouraging the refs to make correct calls.

.

Chapter 1:

Calisthenics

High school wrestlers, like all athletes, expend a significant amount of energy warming up before a contest. We entered the gym as a team, wearing heavy hooded sweat shirts and sweat pants in our team colors. We jogged around the wrestling mat several times, often steeling a glance at our opponents in order to size them up or psych them out. We then did various calisthenics, like jumping jacks, push-ups and leg lifts to get the blood flowing. Next we performed an assortment of stretching exercises on our legs, backs, shoulders and necks to make sure we didn’t pull any muscles during our match. We completed the warm ups by sparring with a teammate in a comparable weight class to remind our bodies of our favorite wrestling moves. A boom box usually blared Queen’s “We Are the Champions” to energize our emotions.

All this action occurred prior to the introductions of the teams’ lineups and the playing of “The Star Spangled Banner.” Each of the ten wrestlers then performed additional warm-ups several minutes before his match.

_____________________________

“Breaking a sweat”

through our difficulties

minimized the likelihood

of a crippling injury to our faith.

______________________________

An untrained eye might think that all this expended energy a waste. How would there be any energy left to compete? But a wrestler knows that “breaking a sweat” before a contest enables his muscles, lungs and mind to respond to the intensity of the challenge during the match and reduces the likelihood of an injury that would prematurely end the match.

Injury Prevention

The vignettes in this first chapter highlight some significant events that God used as warm ups for my family’s wrestling with cancer, healing, prayer, death and even God himself. “Breaking a sweat” through those experiences enabled our hearts to respond to the intensity of our new battle and minimized the likelihood of a crippling injury to our faith.

.

A Crazy Idea

It all began on a random business trip to Dallas, Texas, in April 1997.

I was attending a computer software conference and my manager allowed my wife, Ann, to come along with me. While in Dallas, I had the urge to stop by the hallowed ground of Dallas Theological Seminary for a visit. So I skipped one of my seminars and we drove to the campus.

As we somewhat hesitantly got out of the rental car, Ann sternly warned me, “Don’t get any crazy ideas.” I confidently responded, “Don’t worry. We don’t have the time or the money to attend seminary.”

We stopped by the campus book store after a bit and I was overwhelmed with frustration at all of the cool books on those shelves that I didn’t have time to read. Fifteen minutes later, I was upstairs in the admissions office talking to a counselor. We met with a realtor prior to leaving town that week.

When we returned home to Perry, Iowa, we prayed for wisdom and sought counsel from some friends. We had no guarantee that we would successfully relocate to Dallas, but we felt confident that God was inviting us to try.

In June, we returned to Dallas for a week with Paul and Drew, then ages nine and seven, to hunt for a house. We chose to take our older boys along because we wanted them to experience God’s provision first hand. We found a nice house in a safe neighborhood with good schools and chose to make an offer. Back in Perry, we sold our house to a friend of a friend without incurring any real estate commission fees.

In early July, I submitted my resignation at work so I could take a week off to search for a job down in Dallas. I had interviews with five companies and second interviews with three, but actual offers were still in the works.

At the end of July, we loaded up the moving van and tearfully said good-bye to family and friends, leaving our Yankee roots and migrating to Texas. I received and accepted a job offer via a pay phone in McAlester, Oklahoma, on the way down.

We were full of hope and anticipation at what God would do through our time at seminary.

Migrating to Texas, July 1997

.

9/11

Alan Jackson begins his beautiful lament of that day with these words:

Where were you when the world stopped

turning that September day

Out in the yard with your wife and children

Working on some stage in LA?

Did you stand there in shock at the site of

That black smoke rising against that blue sky?

Did you shout out in anger

In fear for your neighbor

Or did you just sit down and cry?[2]

I was out in the warehouse verifying inventory counts when Diane, my co-worker and friend, came over and informed me that two planes had crashed into the World Trade Center Towers. As one prone to focus too much on the task at hand, I made some comment and returned to my counts. After all, how much damage could a couple of small, private planes do to those towers?

_______________________________

That morning set in motion

a series of events that caused me

to wrestle with questions

of God’s goodness.

_______________________________

I returned to the office area after a bit and saw the staff huddled around a TV. Black smoke rose against the blue sky as both towers were engulfed in flames. As we continued to watch the coverage, we witnessed the towers crumble to the ground. I went into the restroom and wept.

I was again in the warehouse a month later when the human resources manager came out and said that Shirley, the company president, wanted to see me. It’s funny, sometimes, the things that run through our minds. As I walked towards the office area, I happened to recall a sermon from college, in which the pastor challenged us not to always expect the worst in situations. As a result, I entered Shirley’s office with a degree of optimism.

It’s funny how God sometimes chooses to answer our heartfelt prayers. The challenge of balancing family, seminary and a fulltime job had worn me down, so I had been praying during each morning commute for God to work something out.

Shirley had called me into the office to inform me that I was being laid off due to the downturn in the economy. She graciously offered me a choice of severance packages to help provide for my family as I looked for other work.

That morning set in motion a series of events that rocked my faith and caused me to wrestle with questions of God’s goodness.

.

Three Jobs and a

(Pair of) Funerals

I knew that my unemployment situation was serious the day I went to a job fair in a northern Dallas suburb sponsored by a large video store chain. My first clue was that dozens and dozens of well-dressed men and women were crawling out of their cars and filing into the same hotel where I was headed.

My second clue was that the line stretched from the hotel’s ballroom down the hall through the lobby and nearly out the front door. The final clue was that I had approximately thirty seconds to describe myself to one of the chain’s representatives as I handed him my resume. Depressing.

After that picnic, I continued to scour the want ads, search on-line and contact headhunters. Nothing.

Just after Thanksgiving I received one of those phone calls. It was from Florida. My dad had just died.

God’s Provision

Towards the end of December, just as my severance was running out, I finally got a nibble. I had a good phone interview and was asked to come in for a face-to-face. The interview went well and I really liked the CFO, who was also from the Midwest. The company’s location wasn’t the best for home or seminary, but there seemed to be a potential for some flexibility in the schedule, so I accepted the offer. Obviously, this was God’s provision for the remainder of my seminary studies.

As it turned out, the company owner had a few ethical issues. He tried to force the CFO to pull an “Enron” by fabricating financial information and unjustly fired him for refusing to manipulate the numbers. After Ann and I discussed the event at lunch that day, I submitted my resignation the following morning. I learned sometime later that the owner had been arrested for another illegal activity.

Unemployed again. A wife and four kids. And I had to stop attending seminary.

What the heck?

The Perfect Job

I started to hate Sundays. A new paper arrived with a new set of want ads—ads that taunted me with the hopelessness of finding work in a depressed economy.

Finally, March brought a breakthrough. I answered an ad for an accounting position with the symphony. As it turned out, I knew the human resources director through a previous employer and my interview with the treasurer went extremely well. Best of all, the fulltime position only required thirty-five hours per week and it was located just a few miles from the seminary. It was the perfect job. God was finally answering my prayer.

But an offer never came.

The Perfect Job?

In May I received another phone call. My grandpa, who was my primary father figure, had just died.

After returning from my grandfather’s funeral in Iowa, I followed up with a business associate to whom I had sent a resume. He was now ready to talk, and so we worked out an extremely flexible arrangement. My compensation would primarily be based on revenue generated and I would have maximum flexibility in my hours (i.e. twenty-five to sixty hours per week). However, because I was a contractor and not an employee, there would be no benefits like health insurance or retirement.

Was this job God’s provision for completing my seminary studies? Absolutely. Neither I, nor my family, would have survived the final years of seminary if not for the flexibility of that position.

Was it the perfect job? Definitely not. Financially, it was very difficult to make ends meet. We consumed our retirement savings to cover tuition expenses and incurred more debt than desired. The balancing act was a constant tension. Should I study to complete an assignment? Should I work to provide finances for the family? Or should I just hang out with Ann and the kids?

.

Disillusioned with God:

Is God Good?

Ann was usually the one who worried about our finances, but she was a real trouper during the more than nine months that I was either unemployed or underemployed. I still have the yellow sticky note that she hung above my desk out in the garage, which reads,

“I know God will provide a job. I love you.”

Ann stayed strong when I struggled.

My Fortitude

I didn’t handle unemployment with much fortitude. The combined weight of the discouragement, disappointment and disillusionment began to take its toll.

My fortieth birthday that April was a low point. Ann and I celebrated with breakfast at Cracker Barrel because I could get all-you-can-eat biscuits for $1.59. That’s a great deal when you are an unemployed, seminary dropout with a receding hairline. I made no attempt to temper my discouragement that morning, so it wasn’t one of our better dates.

The lowest point came a few weeks later on a Sunday morning. We were in the worship service singing choruses about God’s goodness. But in my discouragement I couldn’t bring myself to sing. How could I sing if I wasn’t convinced that God really was good? He sure didn’t seem like it.

I wasn’t being rebellious or hardheaded. I was just trying to make sense of everything. After all, we had left family and friends in Iowa to attend seminary in Dallas. I loved school and our family was surviving pretty well. Then the layoff. It was totally discouraging, but I knew God allowed suffering and used it to refine our character and to glorify his name. I also knew God would provide. Eventually.

Off Guard

What caught me so off guard was that his first provision was a hellish job with intense pressure, an unworkable schedule and a criminal owner. I was forced to quit, even though I had a wife and four kids. Is this how God provides for our needs through “his riches in glory in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19)?

In addition, I had to stop taking classes. How would I ever finish within the required eight-year window? Would I even finish?

God’s encore was a failure to provide that perfect job at the symphony. It was close to the seminary, had a short work week and even paid well.

What the heck?

The Wherewithal

As I wrestled with my circumstances, I eventually concluded that God was indeed good. There was never really an “ah-ha!” moment or a specific verse or anything like that. It was just a gradual realization that he was good in spite of what my circumstances seemed to indicate. Why? Because that’s what his Word said. If the Bible has any reliability at all and therefore any value, then God must be good. That was the clear message from scripture.

I wrote to Shirley, after cancer had attacked us, and explained that I would not have had the wherewithal to face cancer had I not first been forced to struggle with the circumstances surrounding my layoff from her company. God used that disillusionment to encourage me to grapple with questions of his goodness.

The Solid Rock

Thus, God was reconstructing my faith. It needed to be based on his Word and not my circumstances, upon solid rock rather than shifting sand. Hear these words of Jesus:

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.

The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house.

Yet it did not fall because it had its foundation on the rock” (Matthew 7:24-25, emphasis and punctuation mine).

.

Naomi’s Blindness:

Is God Our Adversary?

Less than a year after the unemployment adversity, I had the opportunity to teach a series of lessons from the book of Ruth to our Sunday school class. As is often the case, God instructed me as I prepared to teach his Word.

I discovered from chapter one that:[3]

-                    Tragedy robbed Naomi of her future, leaving her vulnerable as a widow and alien (1:1-5).

-                    Naomi correctly recognized God’s unfailing love in his provision for Israel (1:6-7).

-                    Naomi correctly prayed for God’s unfailing love and provision for Ruth and Orpah, her daughters-in-law (1:9).

-                    Naomi incorrectly believed that God’s love had failed her because she was judging God’s character by her circumstances (1:13).

-                    Naomi incorrectly believed that her calamity was the result of God’s judgment (1:19-21).

-                    Naomi was so blinded by the pain of her circumstances that she failed to see God’s unfailing love and provision in Ruth (1:19-21).

I uncovered from chapter four that:

-                    The women of the city corrected Naomi’s perspective on the bitterness and emptiness of her circumstances (4:14-15).

-                    The women correctly recognized the blessing of God in Naomi’s life through the gift of Ruth (4:14-15).

Thus, the death, emptiness, and hopelessness of chapter one were replaced by new life, fullness, and hopefulness of chapter four.

The challenge from Naomi’s life for the class (and for me) was:

Trust God in the midst of suffering,

Because he is our ally in a chaotic world.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but these lessons would provide a much needed anchor several years later. I would need to know God was our ally—not our adversary—in times of adversity.

.

Joseph’s Perception:

Does God Have a Plan?

The Apostle Paul is my all-time number one hero. No one had more commitment, endurance and guts than Paul. That’s why our oldest son bears his name. Joseph, the eleventh and favorite son of the patriarch Jacob, is second. He did what was right and he repeatedly got shafted.

-                    Joseph rightly agreed to check on the well-being of his brothers who were tending the family flocks near Shechem. His brothers then wrongly plotted to kill him. One relented, but the remaining brothers then wrongly threw him into a waterless pit and, ultimately, wrongly sold their little brother to some traveling salesmen on their way to Egypt (Genesis 37:12-36).

-                    Joseph rightly managed Potiphar’s affairs with efficiency and integrity. Potiphar’s wife wrongly (and regularly) attempted to seduce Joseph, so he rightly fled from her trap. She then wrongly accused him of raping her, so her husband wrongly threw Joseph into prison (Genesis 39:1-20).

-                    Joseph rightly (and accurately) used his God-given gift to interpret the disturbing dreams of a baker and a cupbearer in the service of the Pharaoh. The cupbearer, after being released from prison and restored to his former position—exactly as Joseph had interpreted—wrongly (and promptly) forgot all about the young Hebrew who could correctly interpret dreams (Genesis 40:1-23).

________________________________

Joseph’s trials were unjust,

inexplicable and heartrending.

Yet Joseph knew God,

and he knew that God had a plan.

________________________________

Joseph’s trials were unjust, inexplicable and heartrending. Yet Joseph knew God, and he knew that God had a plan. And because he knew God, he knew that God was sovereignly executing that plan for the good of his people. Listen to what Joseph told his despicable brothers when reunited years later down in Egypt:

“Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. So then, don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your children” (Genesis 50:19-21a).

The narrator concludes with this description of Joseph’s brotherly love:

“And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them” (50:21b).

.

Two Miscarriages

By Ann

The biggest test of my faith came in the sphere of my job and seminary studies, while Ann’s biggest test occurred in the realm of our children. I’ve often heard that God usually tests us in what is most important in our lives. I wonder what that indicates about my priorities.

Ann had no trouble getting pregnant with Paul and Drew. Both boys were carried to full term and were actually born a couple of weeks past their due dates. Both boys were very healthy babies and very energetic little boys.

Sometime[4] after Drew was born, Ann discovered that she was pregnant again. Things were progressing fine for ten weeks or so, but then one day Ann started spotting. The baby had died so Ann miscarried. The doctor wasn’t too concerned because miscarriages happen. There was no reason that we shouldn’t try again.

Sometime later Ann again became pregnant. And again things were going well for a number of weeks. But then another miscarriage.

Ann was absolutely broken and mourned for more than a year. Her journal entries from this period, logged about five years before we migrated to Texas, are reproduced in the following vignettes and can paint a better picture than my fuzzy memory.

April 9, 1992

Finally, I found this [journal]. I’ve written to you, Lord, on many different scraps of paper these last few months. The need to pour my heart out has been overwhelming. You have been there. You have lifted me up. You’ve continued to weave the tapestry of my life, making me the woman you wanted me to be. Thank you for being there, for carrying me through, for loving and protecting me.

_____________________________

How my heart has ached.

How empty I have felt.

How I’ve ached

to hold my two babies.

____________________________

It’s been hard times—two miscarriages in four months. How my heart has ached. How empty I have felt. How I’ve ached to hold my two babies. Thank you for the comfort and encouragement that it is to know they are in heaven with you. That someday I will hold them. My prayer, Father, is that I will continue to seek you, to see your face, to see your love, to see you in control of these days in my life.

We never saw those babies, held those babies, or even knew if they were boys or girls. But they were our babies and we grieve for them. I pray I will continue to let myself go through this process.

_____________________________

I feel like I should read verses

and be comforted.

But it doesn’t happen.

_____________________________

My great desire and prayer is that we will be able to have more children. It doesn’t seem fair to me that people are aborting babies and getting rid of them every day. Yet we and others (Tom and Diane) so greatly desire to have a baby. But that is not your fault. Mankind makes poor decisions.

Sometimes, I wonder… I’ve so wanted a Chinese baby. Is that a route we should be considering? I don’t know how we could ever afford that. Give us direction in our lives.

May 20, 1992

My heart is so heavy this morning.

It has been the last few weeks.

My heart is still aching.

I have fear of the unknown.

Will we ever be able to have another baby?

Cathy’s pregnant. That makes me so envious. That hurts.

How do I deal with this? What do I do with all these feelings I have?

I want to run away.

“Blessed be the LORD, who daily bears our burden” (Psalm 68:19a, NASB).

Thank you, Lord, that you know my hurt, my pain.

You understand and you are there.

There is no guarantee I will ever have another baby.

But Lord you are still here for me.

You are my Father.

May 21, 1992

All these emotions and fears bottled up inside me.

Not sure how I should deal with them.

Know in my head and in my heart what is true.

Know that the straight as well as the crooked is from God.

Know that he loves me.

Know that he is good.

But the pain, the fear, the hurt is still there.

I feel like I should read verses and be comforted.

But it doesn’t happen.

May 27, 1992

“So then, those who suffer according to God's will

should commit themselves to their faithful Creator

and continue to do good” (1 Peter 4:19).

To you, Creator God, I entrust my hurting heart and soul.

Today, I choose to put my trust in you for the future.

Bear my burden today.

Be my strength.

.

A Walk of Faith

By Ann

Ann continued to honestly share her feelings with her Father as the months rolled on. She surrendered and trusted as she wept and ached. She tenaciously clung to what the scriptures affirmed about God’s character, even though her circumstances screamed that God was none of those things.

May 29, 1992

A walk of faith.

That is what God has called me to.

To focus on Him, to see who He is.

He knows my hurts.

He knows my pain.

He knows my fears of the future, of not having another baby.

I can pour out those fears. I can cry my tears.

He understands. He is a God of compassion and mercy.

If we know God, we do not need to know why He allows us to experience what we do.

Thank you Lord that I know you.

That for today I can trust you and believe you.

That the future is in your hands.

_____________________________

If we know God,

we do not need to know why

He allows us to

experience what we do.

_____________________________

June 8, 1992

God is good.

“Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow” (James 1:17, NASB).

The good things God has bestowed on me:

-                    His Son

-                    Eternal life

-                    Howard

-                    Paul, Drew

-                    Mom, Dad and family

-                    My home and the things I enjoy in my home

June 18, 1992

It’s been awhile since I’ve written.

What a refreshing, encouraging time I had away

with Marilyn

and with you, Lord.

Once again I’m reminded of your great love for me.

Of my importance to you as an individual.

“The LORD your God is with you.

He is mighty to save.

He will take great delight in you.

He will quiet you with his love.

He will rejoice over you with singing” (Zephaniah 3:17).

My self-esteem or identity doesn’t come from being a good wife or mother.

But it comes from being a child of God.

He takes great delight in me.

He rejoices over me.

What a concept!

Father, I pray that you will give me one woman I can pour my life into.

And that you would provide for me one woman to pour her life into me.

Thank you for who you are—that you bind up the broken-hearted.[5]

You are my refuge and strength.

You have carried me through my pain and hurting.

Thank you.

.

Surrendering

but Not Giving Up

By Ann

Ann honestly wrestled the tension between her intense desire to have another baby and her unwavering commitment to accept God’s plan and sovereignty. Knowing and trusting in God’s character allowed Ann to yield her life into his hands.

July 1, 1992

The other day I prayed and acknowledged that I could accept not having another baby.

My heart truly meant that.

At that point my emotions followed.

Yesterday and today my emotions don’t follow.

My heart still says that it’s ok.

My emotions cry out and say I want another baby.

Thank you, Father, that you understand.

Today you gave me the grace to live and accept what you are doing in my life.

You are near to the broken-hearted.[6]

September 16, 1992

Thank you, God, for your goodness.

For all you have done. For who you are.

You are loving, forgiving, kind, merciful, wise, giving.

You did not spare your own son.

I want another baby.

Then I have these thoughts:

that I’m not a good enough mother…

that I yell at the boys too much…

So I won’t get another one.

That is wrong thinking about you.

Give me strength in my emotions.

Thank you for who you are.

.

A Third Miscarriage

By Ann

Ann finally became pregnant again after the two miscarriages. She continued to wrestle with the painful tensions in life—surrendering versus quitting, suffering versus God’s goodness, prayer versus God’s sovereignty. Ann’s pain brought her deepest desires into clear focus.

November 10, 1992

Oh Lord, you are good.

I’m pregnant but I am so full of fear and worry.

Let me find peace in my heart to trust you and your faithfulness.

“This I recall to my mind,

Therefore I have hope.

The LORD’S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,

For His compassions never fail” (Lamentations 3:21-22, NASB).

Father I want to trust you.

To rest in the assurance that you are in control of all things.

_________________________________

In my head I know some truths,

but my heart cries out differently.

_________________________________

November 11, 1992

Miscarriage.

You gave me the grace to accept it.

You are still good.

You are still faithful.

December 14, 1992

[It’s been] a long time since writing my thoughts down.

I’ve had many questions the last few months.

My thoughts on 2 Timothy, chapter 2:

Paul did not just teach about evangelism and discipleship.

He taught about God making a difference in the everyday life of the believer.

About standing strong in a culture that had gone to the dogs.

My greatest desire is that my boys would be men of God,

who love the Word,

who walk with Him,

whose lives reflect him in their hearts.

And that they would make an impact on the world for Him.

If prayer is what is going to make a difference then I want to pray over them each night. My questions:

-                    Why pray?

-                    How does God’s character fit into things that seem totally against his character?

In my head I know some truths, but my heart cries out differently.

December 18, 1992

I’m tired, Lord.

Tired of being emotionally strung out.

I’m tired of the growing pains.

Help me, Lord, to understand.

To know you better.

_________________________________

You didn’t cause my miscarriages.

But you are committed

to transforming

me to be like you.

_________________________________

February 1, 1993

[It’s been] a long time since I’ve written my thoughts.

My emotions are stable today.

“Consider it all joy… when I encounter various trials” (James 1:2, NASB).[7]

-                    An attitude, an acceptance that God can use trials for our good.

-                    To accomplish something good in my life.

“Knowing that the testing of my faith produces endurance” (1:3).

-                    Have I persevered? Have I kept on walking, striving? Yes.

“So that I may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing” (1:4).

-                    This is the result of my endurance.

You didn’t cause my miscarriages.

But you are committed to transforming me to be like you

in heart and attitude, in values and behavior.

You are changing me from the inside out.

I understand more of who you are today than I did a year ago.

I’m more assured of your love and commitment to me.

Lord, I believe you will give us another baby.

Thank you for the progress I’ve made in the process

of becoming more like you.

I love you, Lord.

.

Prayer for Hannah

By Ann

Ann’s last entry in this journal was written about thirteen months after her first one. She surrendered her will to her Father’s, but she never quit praying for another baby. Honestly, passionately and persistently she prayed.

May 19, 1993

I may be pregnant and I’m scared to death.

I’m angry because I had decided to go to another doctor and now I’m not sure what to do.

My feelings are so overwhelming.

I know God is bigger than this.

I know he’s in control.

But I don’t want any more pain and hurt.

The odds are against me.

It is so overwhelming.

Why should this time be any different?

My heart is so heavy.

I guess, Lord, I wanted to be able to go to a doctor and find some answers.

Am I getting mad with myself for not moving faster?

Lord, I trust you.

I know you can do the impossible, but why should you?

The fear is overwhelming me. I’m taking it out on everyone.

With the boys.

With Howard.

Lord, I need your strength. I need your help.

If I’m pregnant, I pray the doctor would be concerned and he would take action and do something.

Hannah

This time there was no miscarriage. A healthy Hannah was born eight months later on a cold January day in Des Moines, with temperatures that had plummeted to 17 degrees below zero.

God answered Ann’s broken-hearted prayer.

.

Hannah’s Pain

In one of her journal entries,[8] Ann honestly asked this reasonable question, “Why pray?”

In other words:

-                    If the odds are against us, why should we pray? What good does it really do?

-                    Why should we keep praying if we have continually prayed but have never received an answer?

-                    Why should we ever pray again if we asked a legitimate request, but God said, “No!”?

-                    If God is sovereign and has our life planned, why should we pray? What difference does it really make?

On the other hand, if our prayer was “answered,” what does this really indicate?

-                    Was the answer in fact just a mere coincidence?

-                    Would it have happened anyway, since it was a part of God’s sovereign plan?

-                    Or did the prayer really change the outcome of a situation?

In other words, does prayer make any difference at all?

Hannah

There was a desperate, broken-hearted woman in ancient Israel who believed that it did. Her name was Hannah and her story, found in the beginning chapters of 1 Samuel, instructs us in these next several vignettes.

Hannah was married to a godly man named Elkanah, but she was unable to bear him children (1:2). The narrator twice indicates, “The LORD had closed her womb” (1:5, 6).

Now, Hannah knew that Elkanah loved her, even though she was infertile. He regularly and tangibly expressed his love through generous gifts (1:5).

However, Elkanah’s other wife, Peninnah, had no issues with fertility. She provided her husband with children, while her rival wife could not (1:2). And to make matters worse, Peninnah continually and callously reminded Hannah that she was childless (1:6). She taunted Hannah year after year after year (1:7).

The tension and pain eventually became so great that Hannah would refuse to eat or drink when the family made their annual pilgrimages to the house of God in Shiloh (1:7). She would just weep in her pain.

Elkanah, being a husband of great sensitivity, asked his broken-hearted wife, “Don’t I mean more to you than ten sons (1:8)?” In other words, “Accept your circumstances so we can get on with our life.”

_______________________________

I’d encourage Ann to cling to

God’s character in spite of what

her circumstances screamed.

_______________________________

Reliving the Past

I’ve thought a lot about Elkanah’s response to Hannah’s pain and my reaction to Ann’s during the more than seventeen months that she struggled with our three miscarriages. I was impatient with her emotions and in-sensitive to her grief. I was tired of her crying all the time and frustrated that she took her pain out on the two boys and one husband that God had already given to her.

I’ve thought a lot about Ann’s pain, as I’ve re-read her journals with eyes sensitized by my own grief. I’ve concluded that if I could relive one period of my life, I’d probably choose that deep valley of our miscarriages. Not because I would relish the pain, but because I’d like to walk differently with Ann. I’d be more forgiving of her emotions and less insensitive to her pain. I’d passionately team with her in her request for another baby and I’d cheer her relentless tenacity in prayer. We’d honestly wrestle together with the tough questions of life and I wouldn’t offer standard Christian answers. Most of all I’d encourage her to cling to God’s character in spite of what her circumstances screamed.

.

Hannah’s Heart:

Why Do We Pray?

The narrator continues Hannah’s story by describing a specific pilgrimage to Shiloh one year. Hannah, shattered by the pain and sick of the taunting, poured out her broken heart before the Lord. In typical Hebrew fashion the storyteller paints a vivid picture with this simple sentence (1:10):

“In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the LORD.”

Let’s chew on those words a bit:

-                    Bitterness of soul. Not a mild desire, but a gut-wrenching, throbbing pain in the depths of her soul.

-                    Wept much. Not an occasional tear, but a sobbing, wailing flood.

-                    Prayed to the LORD. Not passive resignation, but urgent pleading and begging.

The narrator continues his portrait (1:12-13):

“As she kept on praying to the LORD…

Hannah was praying in her heart,

and her lips were moving

but her voice was not heard.”

It wasn’t a quick, half-hearted prayer. She didn’t worry about finding the proper words. She didn’t seek a formula to guarantee her answer. She didn’t lazily parrot a memorized prayer.

She prayed from her heart and in her heart. She simply and honestly bared her soul to the Lord.

Where’d It Come From?

Where did this type of heart-felt prayer come from?

Eli, the priest at Shiloh, studied Hannah from his rocking chair on the porch of the Lord’s house. As a pastor with great sensitivity, he was keenly aware of the Spirit’s stirrings and was deeply empathetic for those in his flock. So, he compassionately encouraged Hannah with these words (1:14):

“How long will you keep on getting drunk?

Get rid of your wine!”

Can you feel what those words did to Hannah’s broken heart?

Imagine that you are so broken by your circumstances that you’re incapable of even verbalizing your prayer. Perhaps there’s been an accident and your child is in the ICU. You’re out of options and without any hope, so you decide to go downstairs to the chapel to beg for God’s intervention. After a bit the hospital’s chaplain comes in. He quickly sizes up the situation and blurts, “Get out of my chapel, you drunken slut!”

The irony of Eli’s insensitive accusation is that Hannah had just vowed that, if God would give her a son, she would give him back to the Lord as a Nazirite. In ancient Israel a Nazirite was a person who made a voluntary vow to abstain from these three things for a specified period of time:[9]

-                    No haircuts.

-                    No contact with a dead body. Not even if your father or mother dies.

-                    No wine or strong drink. Nothing from the grape vine, including grapes, raisins, skin or seeds. Not even grape juice.

Hannah had just vowed in prayer—on behalf of her yet-to-be-given son—that he would never even take a sip of Welch’s grape juice, let alone enjoy a glass of wine or a cold beer. Not just for a specified period of time, but for his entire life. And Eli accused her of being drunk.

Where It Came From

Where did Hannah’s heart-felt prayer come from?

She shouldn’t have had to, but Hannah graciously explained her behavior to that priest. She replied to his taunt with this further description of her pain (1:15-16):

“Not so, my lord…I am a woman who is deeply troubled.

I have not been drinking wine or beer;

I was pouring out my soul to the LORD.

Do not take your servant for a wicked woman;

I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.”

Unlike Eli, Ann understood Hannah’s pain and found validation and comfort in her story.

Joann also would understand Hannah’s pain. Her husband, Kyle, and I graduated from seminary together, after which they returned to Indiana to help pastor a church. They had been trying to have children for a number of years but couldn’t get pregnant. They then chose to adopt a baby from inner city Chicago. We met them at Cheddar’s about a year after graduation when they returned to Dallas for a visit. I still can see Joann’s tears as she recounted how they lost their baby after the birth-mother opted out of the agreement. Unable to have children and now unsuccessful at adopting. Through her tears she lamented, “I just want to be a mom.”

_________________________

Don’t ever discount

the cry of your heart.

God may be working

in your heart to bring

about his sovereign plan.

_________________________

Any woman who has ached for a child would understand Hannah. Like Marilyn, who miscarried her first baby when Ann was pregnant with Paul, our first baby. Like my friend and co-worker Diane who miscarried more than a dozen babies and is still childless. Or Mary Sue, whose son was killed by cancer, leaving his young wife a widow and his young children fatherless. Or Frank and Jeannine, whose son was killed in Iraq the day before he was scheduled to come home.

Why did Hannah, Ann, Joann and these other women passionately pray? Because they wanted to become a mom to a new baby or because they wanted to continue being a mom to the child they already had.

Our Heart’s Cry

Why did they pray? Because each woman listened to the cry of her heart and then cried out to her Father.

Ignatius, who founded the Society of Jesus (Jesuits) in 1540, wrote various guidelines to teach the Jesuit missionaries how to pray. One remarkable guideline was, “Ask God our Lord for what [you] want and desire.”[10]

Jesus confirms the guideline with these words,

“If you remain in me

And my words remain in you,

Ask whatever you wish,

And it will be given to you” (John 15:7, emphasis mine).

If you read the rest of my story, you’ll know that I am not saying—and cannot say—that God answers all legitimate prayers.

But what I am saying is this: don’t ever discount the cry of your heart. God may be working in your heart, through your circumstances, to bring about his sovereign plan.

.

Hannah’s Gift:

Does God Have a Plan?

Where did Hannah’s heart-cry come from? On the surface it was her circumstances that spurred the passionate prayer. Peninnah purposely provoked Hannah in order to irritate her (1:6). She relentlessly taunted Hannah until she was so broken that she wouldn’t eat and could only weep (1:7). Why would the Lord allow Hannah to suffer such harassment? Wasn’t it enough to be childless, especially in ancient Israel?[11]

Listen to Hannah’s silent prayer and hear her motivation:

“O LORD Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant’s misery and remember me… (1:11a)”

Hannah is miserable and she wants God to deliver her from the misery. In fact Hannah is so miserable that she would do anything for a son. Eavesdrop as she continues to pray:

“…and not forget your servant, but will give her a son then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head” (1:11b).

In desperation Hannah bartered with God for a son.

Selfish and Unspiritual

Was it selfish for Hannah to ache to be a mom? Shouldn’t she just accept God’s will?

Was it unspiritual for Hannah to barter for deliverance from her misery? Shouldn’t she just rejoice in her trials?

Hannah is not at all unspiritual, nor is she selfish. In fact, if we analyze the characters in this narrative, we find that Hannah is a literary “type,” and as such she is an example for us to emulate.[12] She is broken-hearted and she honestly prays from that brokenness.

Why then, does God allow these heart-breaking circumstances to invade Hannah’s life? Is it because he doesn’t care? Or because he’s unable to change the situation? Or because he doesn’t see them coming? If God really does have a plan, how could this be part of it?

If we take a close look at Hannah’s vow, we discover that it is distinctive.[13] Most vows promise something like this,

“If you do so-and-so, then I will do such-and-such.”

But Hannah promises,

“If you give me such-and-such,

then I will give you back such-and-such.”

Hannah was so desperate for a son that she solemnly promised to give her yet-to-be-given son back to God, so that he could serve God all his life in a special capacity as a Nazirite. The overpowering implication of this vow is that Hannah would not keep her longed-for son. She would send him to live with Eli the priest after she stopped nursing him as a toddler (1:24).[14]

___________________________

God does have a plan.

And that fact makes all the

difference in the world.

___________________________

God’s Plan

Why then, did God permit Hannah to be childless (1:5-6) and allow Peninnah to harass her? Because he wanted Samuel to be born. And because he wanted Samuel to be set apart for a special mission—to be the next judge/deliverer of Israel. God had a plan, not only for Hannah, but also for her yet-to-be-given son, Samuel.

God allowed circumstances to break Hannah’s heart:

so that Hannah would fervently pray for a son,

so that he could give Samuel to Hannah,

so that Hannah would give Samuel back to God

so that Samuel could accomplish a special purpose for God.

We might never be able to make sense of our suffering. I know that I don’t ever expect to understand the purpose of Ann’s death. In fact there is nothing in this life that can justify it or compensate for it. But I can endure suffering because I know there is some sense in it all, even if I never learn in this life what that sense is.

God does have a plan. And that fact makes all the difference in the world.

.

Hannah’s Prayer:

Does Prayer Make a Difference?

God had a plan and that plan was set in motion by Hannah’s impassioned prayer for a son. Hannah didn’t submissively pray, “Help me be content with my barrenness.” She didn’t simply ask for a child, whether boy or girl. She specifically asked God to give her a baby boy.

When Eli sobered up to what was happening, he encouraged Hannah with these words (1:17):

“Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant the request [i.e. “the thing asked for”] that you have asked of him” (NET, emphasis and explanation mine).

Eli didn’t chide her for making an unreasonable request. He didn’t say, “If it is God’s will…” He confirmed Hannah’s brokenhearted prayer by saying, “May God say ‘Yes!’ to your request for a son.”

When Hannah conceived and gave birth to a baby boy, she confirmed the reason for her newfound fertility with these words (1:20):

“Because I have asked him of the LORD” (NASB, emphasis mine).

When Hannah weaned Samuel and gave him to Eli, she reminded the priest of her vow (1:27):

“I prayed for this boy, and the LORD has given me the request [i.e. “the thing asked for”] that I asked of him” (NET, emphasis and explanation mine).

In typical Hebrew fashion, the storyteller repeats specific words to make his point clear. And what was his point in this story? Samuel was given to Hannah, who then gave him to Eli, because Hannah had asked God for a son.

What Difference?

Prayer made all the difference in the world to Hannah, and it made all the difference in her world. Even more significantly, her prayer made all the difference in Israel’s national history.

As heretical as it may sound, I believe that if Hannah had not prayed, Samuel would not have been born.

Now, I do believe that God is sovereign and that he has a specific purpose for giving us life. Of course I agree with Jeremiah that God’s plan for us is formed before we are even conceived.[15] But I also believe that God responds to prayer and that certain things do happen because we pray and that certain things do not happen because we do not pray.

_______________________________

If Hannah had not prayed,

Samuel would not have been born.

________________________________

This position makes us uncomfortable because we assume—in the Western world—that two conflicting beliefs cannot both be true at the same time. It must be either one or the other. As a former anal retentive accountant I prefer everything to be neatly lined up as either a debit or a credit. However, if we are honest with the scriptural evidence we must leave this unreconciled. God is sovereign and yet prayer impacts history. It is a mystery.

This position also causes us discomfort because of the significant responsibility it places squarely on our shoulders. If prayer really plays a part in bringing God’s plan to fruition, then perhaps we ought to pray more passionately for his kingdom to come and his will to be done in our lives and in the lives of those around us.

What a Difference!

Likewise, I believe that prayer absolutely made a difference in our Hannah’s life. If Ann had not prayed from her desperate, broken heart, then we would not have a girl named Hannah (and a boy named Matt).

Sometime after God said, “Yes!” to Ann’s asking, she framed one of Hannah’s baby pictures with these words written underneath:

“I prayed for this child,

and the LORD has granted me

what I asked of him” (1 Samuel 1:27).

.

Chapter 2:

The Match Begins

High school wrestling matches in Iowa consisted of three periods of two minutes each. The first period starts with both wrestlers in a neutral, standing position. After instructing the wrestlers to shake hands, the referee blows his whistle and the match begins intensely. Each wrestler attempts to force his opponent to the mat through moves like a “double-leg take down” or a “fireman’s carry.” Once you have your opponent on the mat, you attempt to muscle him to his back in order to pin both shoulders to the ground for a second. If successful, the ref slaps the mat and the match is over, regardless of the time left on the clock.

The worst possible predicament is to be on your back near the beginning of a period. Your opponent has such an advantage and the fight to stay off your shoulders is so difficult, that it is nearly impossible to survive until the clock mercifully runs out. While there are certain counter moves that can help your fight, ultimately the only true weapon is guts.

Slammed

The vignettes in this second chapter describe how unexpected health issues abruptly and viciously slammed us to the mat, destroying our hopes, piercing our hearts and rocking our faith.

.

The Finish Line

We knew that seminary would be a strenuous marathon and we willingly accepted the challenge because of the significance of the prize. The intense study of the Bible would better equip us to teach his Word, hopefully to pastors in Asia who had less access to biblical tools and resources.

We were able to survive the grind and exhaustion of the last years of school precisely because we could see the finish line. Each class, each book and each paper completed took us a step closer to the finish.

The occasion finally came when I only had one assignment left. I had gotten up early to study, as I usually did on Saturday mornings, and this time had biscuits and gravy at Braum’s. As Ann often did, she “stalked” me that morning and joined me for a bit where I was studying. Of course she recorded that special occasion with a couple of pictures, as she often did.

How Long?

What would you do if you signed up to run a marathon, and then when you finally reached the finish line, discovered that you would be required to complete a biathlon, and quite possibly a triathlon? And that the distance to the second finish line was indeterminable? And that second finish line might literally be death? And if death, then a third, painful race with grief would follow?

How would you prepare for such a race? How could you?

.

A Couch Potato

I finally graduated from seminary after only eight and a half years of study and just before they kicked me out for taking too long. We had intentionally chosen to trek slowly through the coursework in order to keep our marriage healthy and to maintain a fairly normal life for our kids.

Graduation, May 2006

The last couple years of seminary were especially grueling and we just had to gut it out to make it to the end. The price of endurance was emotional and physical exhaustion.

What were our long term ministry plans? Our dream was to minister together in Asia, perhaps in Mongolia or China, where I hoped to teach at a Bible college or seminary. However, the current timing would be difficult due to the age of our kids and the desire to further my study of the Old Testament.

Therefore, my immediate goal was to become a coach potato. I hoped to have ample unhurried time with Ann and the kids, to catch up on watching a bunch of movies and to just chill. Then, after a year or two, when our batteries were recharged, I would begin to pursue a Ph.D.

We were full of hope at what God would do through us together.

..

A Broken Heart

Seminary was such a long haul that Ann felt a big celebration was in order now that it was finally over. She threw a party at our close friends’ house the Sunday evening after graduation. Friends, neighbors and family gathered in Jim and Laurie’s backyard to help us celebrate the culmination of my “crazy idea.”[16]

I must have partied a bit too hard, perhaps too many trips to the chocolate fountain, because I suffered a mild heart attack late that night. A few days later the cardiologist inserted two stents into my forty-four- year-old heart. He inserted a third one a few weeks later.

The discouragement and depression, resentment and anger that followed were intense. I had always been relatively active, was only a bit overweight and my total cholesterol was only 185.

What the heck?

Rehab

I was embarrassed by my youthfulness at the cardiac rehab center. Most of the other patients had decades on me. What am I doing here?

I was angered when we celebrated Paul’s high school graduation a few weeks later at the Cheesecake Factory. There was nothing particularly “heart-healthy” on the menu—certainly not the Snicker’s cheesecake. Would I ever enjoy life again?

I was absolutely overwhelmed by work. I had just started a new consulting job and needed to learn a new software product. But my confidence was shattered and my energy and drive had dissipated. Finding the courage to go to work was difficult. My bank of vacation hours was already depleted, so additional time off was not an option. How could I go on?

There was a high point sometime in early July. The cardio nurses finally gave me permission to jog around the indoor track at the Tom Landry Fitness Center, wired up, of course, to monitor my heart as I exercised. My face almost started to hurt as I slowly jogged a few laps… since my grin stretched from ear to ear. It didn’t matter that a turtle could have lapped me that afternoon. I was ecstatic that I could simply jog again.

Things were definitely looking up.

.

The Storm Strikes

About this same time Ann started to feel poorly, quickly becoming full after eating only few bites. Eventually, she made an appointment with the family doctor, who examined her and then promptly referred her to a hematologist at Baylor hospital in downtown Dallas.

The next morning, as we somewhat hesitantly got out of our mini-van, Ann fearfully asked, “What am I doing here?” At the top of building, which had an address that matched our hematologist’s, was a sign that read, “Baylor Charles A. Sammons Cancer Center.” What the heck?

________________________________

Each appointment brought fear,

uncertainty and discouragement.

Ann’s constant concern was,

“What if I have cancer?”

________________________________

Over the next several months, Ann went to various doctors and had numerous tests as we tried to discover what was wrong. Doctors were able to determine that her spleen was enlarged, which explained why Ann didn’t have an appetite, but they couldn’t uncover a cause. Thankfully, they did rule out leukemia and lymphoma.

Each appointment brought fear, uncertainty and discouragement, with a bit of relief sometimes mixed in. Ann’s constant concern was, “What if I have cancer?”

Index Cards

What does one do when he or she is being suffocated by a valid fear of an uncertain future? Ann’s response was to turn to her Father through his Word. I believe[17] that it was during this initial uncertainty that Ann began to write out encouraging Bible verses on 3 x 5 index cards. She took these cards with her to the doctor’s appointments and would flip through them as she waited. Here are a few of her cards:

-                    “The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him” (Nahum 1:7).

-                    “The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing” (Zephaniah 3:17).

-                    “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10).

-                    “Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken…Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge” (Psalm 62:5-6, 8).

-                    “Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed” (Psalm 57:1).

.

Praise You in This Storm

Our family traveled to Colorado again that July for our annual hiking trip in Rocky Mountain National Park. We always enjoyed fleeing the concrete and congestion of Dallas to enjoy the majesty of the mountains, while hiking our legs off.

Our custom was to spend at least an evening mulling around the fun shops in the picturesque town of Estes Park. I wasn’t into shopping that night and was worn out from hiking, so I opted to head back to the minivan ahead of everyone else. I turned on the stereo while waiting for the gang and listened to “Praise You in This Storm,” a song that Paul had just introduced to Ann earlier on the trip.

I’ll praise You in this storm.

And I will lift my hands,

For You are who You are,

No matter where I am.

Every tear I’ve cried

You hold in Your hand.

You never left my side.

And though my heart is torn,

I will praise You in this storm.[18]

I wept as I heard these words for the first time. It’s funny what goes through your head in certain moments. I remember thinking something like,

“Wow! What an awesome song.

It totally describes what we have already been through.

More than eight years of seminary.

Next my heart attack.

Then Ann’s mysterious illness.

Wow! It’s been tough.

I’m so glad it’s all behind us.”

Dream Lake, July 2006

.

Broken-Hearted

Ann had another doctor’s appointment soon after we returned from our escape in Colorado. The hematologist recommended diagnostic surgery, because Ann’s spleen was still enlarged. A surgeon would remove the spleen in an attempt to discover the underlying cause, perhaps the residual effect of an infection.

Ann’s surgery was July 27th, 2006, and Baylor’s waiting room was full of our friends and family. Her surgery went well, but the surgeon slugged us with the report that her spleen was full of cancer. The next morning the oncologist crushed us with the preliminary diagnosis, stage IV melanoma.

That’s heart-breaking news for two reasons. First, melanoma is the deadliest type of skin cancer, and if it has spread to other organs, then it is generally not curable.[19] Second, a staging of “IV” is the most severe assessment of the cancer’s progression and indicated that Ann’s cancer had spread significantly.

Shock

What does a wife and mother do when she learns that what she had feared most is now her reality, that she does have cancer?

I think the news of that preliminary diagnosis sent Ann into some kind of shock. She didn’t show any emotion for several days. She didn’t cry when our kids came into her hospital room after hearing the news. She didn’t cry when friends came to visit. She didn’t cry when she saw me weeping in the hospital chair next to her bed.

_____________________________

Ann prayed because

of a gut-wrenching,

throbbing pain in her soul.

She urgently begged

the Lord for her life.

_____________________________

What does a man say to his wife who just learned that her life could end within a year? Without adequate words and nowhere else to turn, I opened up my Bible to Psalm 1 and began reading. I read aloud through the psalms while Ann lay silently in her hospital bed with her eyes closed.

Silent Sobbing

After the initial shock subsided, Ann’s emotions began to pour out. More than anything, she wanted to live so that she could continue being a wife to me and a mom to our four kids. This desire so overwhelmed her that she was compelled her to ask God to deliver her from cancer. Those emotions were so strong that she often laid on the bedroom floor, weeping and pleading with God for her life.

“In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the LORD” (1 Samuel 1:10).

Ann prayed because of a gut-wrenching, throbbing pain in her soul. She sobbed a flood of tears. She urgently begged the Lord for her life. The longing was so intense that her pleading was often silent, even though her mouth moved as tears flowed down her cheeks.

“As she kept on praying to the LORD, Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard” (1 Samuel 1:12-13).

Just as Eli observed Hannah’s prayers, so I observed Ann’s. But unlike Eli, I concluded that the intensity of her burden was from the Lord and not from a cheap bottle of wine (1 Sam. 1:14). Was it possible that this “desire of her heart” was placed there by her Father so that he could answer her prayer? It was for Hannah, when she prayed for Samuel. It was for Ann, when she prayed for our Hannah.

A Pool of Tears

What does a man do when he finds out his wife has a potentially incurable cancer? I cried. A lot.

I had to return to work after Ann got out of the hospital. I cried my way through traffic to the office each day, as I listened to “Praise You in This Storm” again and again. The lyrics became my prayer.

I was sure by now

God you would have reached down

And wiped our tears away,

Stepped in and saved the day.

But once again, I say “Amen,”

And it’s still raining.[20]

Late July evenings in Dallas are still way too hot for a guy with a heart condition to go jogging around the neighborhood, so I swam laps at the neighborhood pool several evenings a week. This gave me a chance to strengthen my heart and to release some stress and grief.

I screamed and cried as I swam.

.

God of the Ten Percent:

Does God Hear?

The morning after Ann’s surgery our hematologist and his nurse DeeDee came into our hospital room to discuss the initial inferences from Ann’s diagnostic surgery. The preliminary pathology report indicated that Ann had stage IV melanoma—with a certainty of ninety percent.

We were crushed. I fought to maintain composure and tried to focus attention on what the doctor was saying. It’s funny sometimes the things that run through your mind in difficult moments. All I could hear was a recent conversation with Tom, a co-worker, whose wife had stage IV melanoma. Doctors had recently told them that Jackie only had three months.

Three months? Could Ann really be dead in a few months?

DeeDee, a Christian oncology nurse, whom we had already grown to love through the various appointments, must have sensed both our shock and the Holy Spirit. She stayed behind to comfort us after the doctor gave his report.

She asserted that “God is the God of the ten percent” and that he can override any statistic. She then confidently prayed for God to override the nearly certain diagnosis.

_____________________________

DeeDee had to have

a firm grasp on reality.

Yet she knew God was bigger

than a pathology report.

So she prayed.

______________________________

I was amazed by her faith. DeeDee had surely seen, as an oncology nurse, countless lives ravaged by cancer. She had to have a firm grasp on reality. Yet she also knew God. And she knew God was bigger than a pathology report, bigger than cancer itself. So she prayed.

I was encouraged by her prayer. But to be honest, I was a bit skeptical. God can do miracles, but he usually doesn’t. And miracles usually happen overseas on the mission field, not here. And I certainly had no basis to expect that God would do a miracle for us.

What Are Your Symptoms?

Four days later we went to a different oncologist, since Ann most likely had melanoma, in order to receive the official diagnosis and to understand options for treatment. Several friends, Pastor Charles, and our oldest son, Paul, accompanied us to the doctor’s office, visiting with us while we waited and praying for us while we met with the oncologist. My friend, Jim, whose wife, Laurie, had just completed chemotherapy for breast cancer, was there to help ask questions and take notes.

The oncologist abruptly began the appointment with a shocking question, asking, “What are your symptoms?”

Ann’s spleen was full of cancer and you ask, “What are your symptoms?”

What the heck?

He went on to explain that the pathologist had been unable to determine the type of cancer that had overtaken Ann’s spleen. But he was certain that it was not melanoma. One hundred percent certain.

I was stunned and humbled. God had indeed answered DeeDee’s impossible prayer. God was certainly “The God of the ten percent.”

He Hears

It would be impossible to overstate the impact that this answer had on my faith and on my relationship with the Father. Though I never had a guarantee that God would deliver Ann from cancer, I can honestly say that I never again doubted that he heard our prayers.

Even after Ann’s death, when I literally wondered if God even existed, I still had every confidence that God had paid attention to our prayers. The heavens hadn’t been shut; it’s just that God’s answer was an emphatic, “No!”

.

Nineteen Days:

Where is God?

Nearly three months had elapsed between Ann’s first doctor’s appointment and her diagnostic surgery. We had to wait overnight in the hospital room before we received a preliminary (and incorrect) diagnosis. We had to wait four more days for the initial (and shocking) appointment with the new oncologist. We then had to wait four more days before the pathologist finally figured out the type of cancer that was attacking Ann’s body.

I was tired of waiting and ready to take action. There was a time bomb inside Ann and it was just ticking away.

The oncologist in Dallas recommended that we obtain a second opinion, especially since Ann’s cancer was so rare. So I called the world-renowned M.D. Anderson Cancer Center in Houston to make an immediate appointment.

The scheduler routinely informed me that the earliest available appointment was over thirty days away.

What the heck?

Fighting For Us

I went for a walk that afternoon around the neighborhood, as I often did when needing to pray. I don’t recall what I prayed, but I know I was angry, frustrated, discouraged, disappointed and hurt. Where was God?

Ann’s cancer continued to tick away inside her. But we would have to wait at least another month before we could begin any treatment. Doing nothing was unthinkable, but there was nothing we could do.

I was helpless and hopeless with nowhere to turn. Why had God abandoned us?

The next afternoon I was driving from my office to a client’s when I received a call from our friend Laurie. She had relayed our situation to her friend, Sue, a school nurse in a suburb of Houston. Sue was angered by the image of a mother of four having to wait so long for an appointment, so she began to make some calls, pleading our case. Somewhat mysteriously, she obtained the phone number for the hospital’s Office of President. Sue relayed the number to Laurie who called my cell phone and passed it on to me.

I’m normally not one to press a matter, but I was desperate and I had a strong inclination that I should call the number. I worked up the courage and called the president’s office. I explained our situation and asked if there was anything that could be done.

A few days later I received a call from the hospital informing us that our appointment would be moved up nineteen days.

Nineteen days might not seem like much to you, if you’ve not been attacked by cancer. But for us it was massive.

God with Us

It would be impossible to overvalue the significance of this act of deliverance. God had not abandoned us. He was actively working behind the scenes, prompting a friend of a friend to battle for us, when I had no means or spirit to fight.

I can honestly say that I never again doubted that God was with us in our fight. Though I had no guarantee of the battle’s outcome, I had every certainty that he would be with us through the end, whatever that end might be.

_____________________________

God had not abandoned us.

He was actively working

behind the scenes, when I had

no means or spirit to fight.

_____________________________

We did have all sorts of questions and doubts during the two-year fight with cancer, but God’s involvement in our battle was not one of them. Those Nineteen Days were proof enough. Irrefutable proof.

Ironically, Sue and her husband Bill became our gracious hosts and close friends as we regularly traveled to Houston for tests and chemotherapy over the next two years.

.

The Irony of God’s Leading

On that Thursday (7/27), the surgeon removed Ann’s spleen and informed us that it was full of cancer. The next morning (7/28), our oncologist was ninety percent certain that Ann had stage IV melanoma. The following Tuesday (8/1), a second oncologist basically told us that he had no idea what cancer had invaded Ann’s body.

Late Saturday afternoon (8/5) that second oncologist called and notified us that the pathologist was finally able to determine the actual type of cancer. Ann’s spleen had been overtaken by an extremely rare, aggressive cancer called angiosarcoma. We returned to the first oncologist, who recommended receiving a second opinion.

A month later (9/5), an oncologist from M.D. Anderson confirmed the brutal diagnosis. To make matters worse, the tests showed that the cancer had already spread from Ann’s spleen to her liver, as well as to the bones in her pelvis, ribs, and shoulder blades.

Our Reality

There are only about twenty to sixty cases of angiosarcoma diagnosed each year.[21] There is no cure for angiosarcoma. Aggressive chemotherapy, if even effective at all, can only hope to keep the cancer in check for a period of time. The five-year survival rate for angiosarcoma is listed as twenty percent.[22] One website bleakly concluded that “the combination of aggressive growth, few treatment options, and extreme rarity makes angiosarcoma one of the deadliest cancers.”[23]

________________________________

God dramatically slew one

monstrous opponent and then threw

us into the arena against

a stronger and more vicious foe.

________________________________

Ann’s specific type of angiosarcoma—that which originates in the spleen—is even more deadly and rare. There are less than two hundred total cases reported in the literature worldwide[24] and the median life expectancy after diagnosis is a brief six months.[25] Another website grimly reported that “primary splenic angiosarcoma is an extremely aggressive neoplasm that is almost universally fatal.”[26]

Ironic Diagnosis

We were crushed with the preliminary diagnosis of stage IV melanoma, because it was an overwhelming and unbeatable foe. That news robbed me of all hope. I had no expectation, whatsoever, that God would answer DeeDee’s impossible prayer for the cancer not to be melanoma. After all, the doctors were ninety percent certain of their diagnosis.

When God did answer DeeDee’s prayer, I was totally blown away and encouraged. Hope was restored. God was indeed the “God of the ten percent” and he proved to me that he is greater than any statistic.

Yet, angiosarcoma is a rarer and more aggressive cancer than melanoma. As described above, the life expectancy after diagnosis is a mere six months and it is “almost universally fatal.” God dramatically slew one monstrous opponent and then threw us into the arena against a stronger and more vicious foe.

Here’s the irony: I was encouraged by this and my hope was restored. I learned that the size of my foe was irrelevant when God was fighting for me.

Daniel 3:16-18

“Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king,

‘O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter.

If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king.

But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up’” (emphasis mine).

.

Chapter 3:

Wrestling

with Cancer

High school wrestling is a unique mixture of individual and team components.

During a match, wrestling is a fierce, individual competition. You and the other wrestler are alone at the center of the mat. There is no such thing as an assist (passing to a teammate for a score), a force out at first (a teammate throwing to the first baseman before the batter arrives) or a trap block (a pulling guard blocking for a teammate who is carrying the ball). There are no substitutions and no timeouts.[27] All coaches or teammates or fans can do is to cheer you on. It’s simply mano y mano.

Yet wrestling is also a team sport. If you win your match, the team gets three points. If you dominate your opponent, then your team gets four or five points, depending on the margin of victory. If you “stick” your opponent (pin his shoulders to the mat), then the team receives six points. Thus, each individual victory contributes to the victory of the team.

Wrestlers could never perform on the mat without tough sparring partners. Teammates of similar weight classes rehearse moves and counter-moves over and over in practice. The harder your sparring partner works against you, the better you will perform in the heat of the match.

___________________________

I kept hoping because

she couldn’t afford to lose hope.

I kept my faith so she

wouldn’t lose hers.

___________________________

Coaches also perform crucial roles. They teach out of the depth of their experience and understanding of the sport. They advise as they observe practices or matches from an unbiased position. Coaches challenge the wrestlers to push harder and endure more than they thought possible.

Even fans play a part in the match and meet. Their cheers encourage the wrestlers to keep fighting when their lungs, arms and minds scream, “Quit!”

Cancer

Fighting cancer is a lot like wrestling.

On the one hand a battle with cancer is a fiercely individual fight. No one could receive the chemo for Ann or take the cancer from Ann.

I had often wondered when I watched movies like Man on Fire, The Guardian, The Last Samurai, Backdraft or Braveheart, if I would be willing to give my life for another person. I now know that if the oncology nurses could have dripped the poisonous chemo into my veins to kill Ann’s cancer, I would have agreed without hesitation. Or if surgeons could have offered to remove the angiosarcoma from Ann’s body and place it into mine, the decision would have been a simple one.

On the other hand a fight with cancer is only possible through the help of a team.

I was Ann’s sparring partner. My job was to be by her side at as many appointments as possible. I read her the Bible when she was too scared or overwhelmed or tired to read it herself. I studied the Word so I could answer her tough questions. I prayed for her and with her. I kept hoping because she couldn’t afford to lose hope. I kept my faith so she wouldn’t lose hers.

We also had numerous coaches. Like Joan and Laurie, who both had battled breast cancer and allowed chemotherapy to invade their bodies. Like Joe, who was healed of stage IV melanoma after being given days to live, and his wife, Terri, who prayed with the tenacity of a bulldog for her husband’s life. Like various authors, who coached us on faith, suffering, prayer, physical healing and God’s character.

______________________________

I shared what we were learning,

so that others might

grow in their faith

through the testing of ours.

______________________________

Finally, we had lots and lots of fans. Like Dave and Jim, who often listened to my questions and complaints at Chili’s. Like Bill and Sue, who opened up their home to us each time we came to Houston for treatment. Like friends and neighbors, who brought meals several times a week for the two years that we battled. Like our moms, who put their lives on hold to stay with our kids as we traversed to Houston.

Like those on our email list. About a month after Ann’s surgery, I sent out an email to family and friends so that they could know how Ann was doing and to ask for prayer. I continued this as the weeks and months and years went on. The number of people on the email list continued to grow as word got around about Ann’s battle. It would be impossible to overstate the impact that these fans had on our ability to endure the battle and keep the faith.

My purposes for writing the emails also grew over time. I figured that if God was allowing us to go through this valley, then I should share what we were learning, so that others might grow in their faith through the testing of ours.

Mic’d Up

The vignettes that follow are the original emails from our wrestling match with cancer. They were written on the date recorded below each title. Our specific prayer requests are included in most of the vignettes, in case you’ve ever wondered how you should pray for someone undergoing severe testing.

The “mic” was on, so feel free to eavesdrop on our struggles and faith as we wrestled against our monstrous opponent.

.

.

Trip to M.D. Anderson

8/28/2006

We are trying to get a bit more organized about getting information out to our friends and family, so here is the first email update on Ann.

As most of you know, Ann was recently diagnosed with angiosarcoma. This is a rare cancer of the blood vessels, with about sixty new cases reported per year in the US. Her specific type originated in the spleen. There are only about two-hundred cases of this type of angiosarcoma reported in total in the medical journals. The good news is that her spleen was successfully removed a few weeks ago. The bad news is that the cancer had spread to her liver. The weight of this diagnosis is overwhelming.

Ann and I will be heading to Houston on Thursday to visit the sarcoma unit at M.D. Anderson hospital. Our first appointment is Friday afternoon and we may be there for three to five business days. My mom will be down to stay with the kids and keep the house in order while we are gone. The purpose of the trip is to learn what treatment options are available and then make a decision.

We would appreciate your prayers. We have seen God graciously act in numerous ways thus far and we are confident that he will continue to be with us. Here are some specifics:

-                    Pray for our emotional strength as we are again confronted with the reality of our situation.

-                    Pray for wisdom as we consider treatment options, including possible clinical studies.

-                    Pray that God would heal Ann in his way and time, so that she can live to know our grandchildren (specifically Matt’s, who is ten).

I have always heard people say that they appreciated people’s prayer as they went through difficult storms. It is not a cliché.

We love you and appreciate your heart-felt prayers. We know that God loves us because of family and friends who demonstrate his care.

Ps. 33:16-18

“No king is saved by the size of his army;

No warrior escapes by his great strength...

But the eyes of the LORD are

On those who fear him,

On those whose hope is in his unfailing love,

To deliver them from death

And keep them alive in famine.”

.

Separation Anxiety

9/5/2006

We had a productive, but difficult, trip to M.D. Anderson last Friday.

The Storm

We really liked the doctor as she was confident, competent, and com-passionate. She specializes in sarcomas and feels that Ann’s cancer, even though aggressive, is treatable. It should be responsive to the chemo and it is possible for the tumors to stabilize, shrink, or even disappear. Unfortunately, since the cancer is aggressive, it can also return quickly after chemo treatments have ended. If this happens another regimen of chemo would begin.

We return to Houston on Tuesday and hope to begin chemotherapy on Thursday. The treatment is an aggressive three-week cycle consisting of one week of chemo and two weeks of recovery. We are expecting six to eight cycles in this first regimen.

Because of the toxic nature of the chemo, Ann will need to be under her oncologist’s watchful eye in Houston. Therefore, Ann will live in Houston for the first four weeks and then one week out of three after that. As you might imagine this separation will be painful for all.

God’s Goodness

We are looking for God’s hand in all of this, so we have begun tracking His acts of provision and love as a means of focusing on His goodness to us during this storm. I’ll share two from this last week.

On Friday a friend prayed through Psalm 91 on our behalf, asking that we would find refuge in the shadow of his wings through the care of the doctor. At the beginning of our appointment, the doctor saw the photo of our family and asked about our children. At the end of our appointment I attempted to express my gratitude for rescheduling our appointment nineteen days earlier. When I became too emotional to speak she held my hand and placed her hand on Ann’s to let us know that she understood and cared.

Living in Houston for a month was not what we had anticipated. Yet, God has already provided several offers for housing. In addition, the family that we stayed with introduced us to a mom in her Bible study. This woman graciously offered to take Ann to the hospital for blood work, when I am back in Dallas.

Prayer Requests

-                    Pray that God would emotionally strengthen all of us while Ann is in Houston, the kids are in Dallas, and I alternate between the two cities.

-                    Pray that God would emotionally strengthen Ann to face the chemo and physically strengthen her body to handle the chemo.

-                    Pray that God would heal Ann in his way and time, so that she can live to know our grandchildren.

Psalm 91:1-4

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High

will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the LORD,

‘He is my refuge and my fortress,

My God, in whom I trust.’

Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare

and from the deadly pestilence.

He will cover you with his feathers,

and under his wings you will find refuge.

His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.”

.

Discouraged,

but Steadfast

9/7/2006

This is the latest from Houston.

The Storm

We received great news from last week’s tests—no sign of cancer in the lungs or the cavity where the spleen was. Also, the fluid in her chest cavity had not returned.

Unfortunately, we also received some discouraging news. “Too many to count” was the report’s description concerning the cancerous lesions on her liver. Also, the doctor is suspicious that the cancer has spread to her bones in the pelvic region and in her spine. Ann will have some more tests in the next few weeks to verify this suspicion.

Ann starts chemo this afternoon around 3:00 p.m. One chemo will be slowly dripped for 72 hours. The other will be received once per day for four days.

Play of the Day

I started a new computer consulting job in March (www.tribridge .com). Little did I know what a God-send this job was. Not only am I no longer self-employed, but the environment is very supportive. I work with great people.

I had already used up more than my allotted vacation time due to my heart attack in May, so I was concerned how this time in Houston would affect things. Tuesday, I received word that several people had donated some of their vacation time to me. This is particularly amazing because some of the folks work in Florida, and I have not even met them.

Prayer Requests

-                    Courage to face the chemo this afternoon. I’m sure the first one is the most difficult emotionally.

-                    Healing in God’s time and way so that Ann can know her grandchildren.

Psalm 112:7

“He will have no fear of bad news.

His heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.”

.

Why Even Bother to Pray?

9/8/2006

A few months ago I had some rare deep thoughts:

-                    Since God is sovereign, knows the future, and has everything planned, then prayer is an exercise for relating to him.

-                    When we pray for others, we fellowship with God and will be blessed for serving others.

-                    However, prayer doesn’t make any ultimate difference in the outcome.

Fortunately, my deep thoughts are rare. Perhaps I was punch-drunk from suffering a heart attack the day after graduation from seminary and dealing with Ann’s on-again, off-again, on-again threat of cancer. Perhaps it’s just the logical conclusion of one who focuses on God’s sovereignty without appreciating his intimacy.

I still steadfastly hold to the first and second sentence. However, thanks to all of you I have had to eat the words of the third sentence and confess my lack of faith.

Wednesday evening Ann was very apprehensive about the procedure for inserting the CVC lines (semi-permanent IV) and for starting the infusion of chemo into her system. It’s no longer a bad dream from which we hope to awaken, but our reality. Yesterday, you prayed for Ann to courageously face the first chemo treatment. She was calm all day. The insertion of the CVC line went well and she wasn’t fearful. Then the infusion almost seemed like a non-event. Ann didn’t wig out or even cry. Her peace was truly beyond understanding. Yesterday’s outcome was impacted by your prayers.

If this was the first time that we had seen God answer specific prayer in the last few months, then I could write it off as coincidental. I have seen enough to know that fervent prayer impacts the outcome of our lives. I am encouraged to pray with more confidence about our situation and about the sufferings of family and friends.

Please be encouraged to pray for your and our situation with boldness.

.

Separation Anxiety, Part 2

9/10/2006

We are back at M.D. Anderson this evening as Ann is receiving her fourth and final chemo infusion for this first cycle. She returns tomorrow evening to receive a high-priced neulasta shot, which will help rebuild her immune system. Thankfully, Ann will also get to leave her “back pack” behind tomorrow night. (She has been carrying one of her “medicines” with her in order for it to drip continuously for seventy-two hours.) She will then have two weeks off before another cycle starts.

Ann continues to do remarkably well. For the most part she has not had any nausea. She is just kind of tired. We are so thankful for your passionate and persistent prayers.

I will make the four-hour trip back to Dallas in the morning and head straight to work. I hope to eat dinner with the kids tomorrow evening. I will return Friday afternoon with at least one of the kids.

Ann is in great hands here in Houston. We are staying with old friends that we just met. A neighbor will run Ann to M.D. Anderson for her blood work every other day.

Plays of the Day

-                    A third grader in our host’s Sunday school class spontaneously suggested that her classmates bring their spare change next week to help us with parking expenses at M.D. Anderson.

-                    Our home Bible study group in Dallas prayed with us over the phone at the start of their meeting. We could not travel this road without their love and support.

Prayer Requests

-                    That Ann will be emotionally strong while separated from the kids and me.

-                    That Howard will be patient with the kids this week, even though tired.

-                    That Ann will be emotionally prepared for the MRI on Wednesday and that there will be no sign of cancer in her bones.

-                    That God will heal Ann so that she can know her grandchildren.

Psalm 103:2-5

“Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits –

who forgives all your sins

and heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit

and crowns you with love and compassion,

who satisfies your desires with good things

so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s” (emphasis mine).

Thanks for all of the cards and emails. We may not have a chance to answer them, but know that they are a great encouragement to us. Thanks especially for your prayers.

.

Good Wig Hunting

and More Testing

9/17/2006

Hello from Houston and Dallas.

From Houston

Ann had a good week this week and is regularly encouraged by emails, cards, and phone calls. She is well cared for by her new friends, but misses being home with us. She is completing her first of two weeks of “rest” between chemo treatments. She has felt well physically and only had slight nausea on a few days. Ann handled her MRI courageously and without incident.

The highlight of the week was the visit by two friends from the neighborhood who brought Hannah. They spent the weekend with Ann and visited the beach in Galveston for a bit. Most importantly, they accompanied Ann on her successful hunt for a wig—a task for which I am not well suited.

I will return to Houston Thursday evening and we meet with the doctor on Friday to learn the results of the MRI and bone scans. The kids will join us on Friday evening or Saturday morning. Everyone is genuinely looking forward to the family reunion.

From Dallas

Hannah had a MRI on her knee on Wednesday. Drew had a blood test for his liver on Thursday (It’s okay!); he visits the cardiologist on Monday. Paul had a bone marrow biopsy on Friday. Please pray for Matt.

I stayed home from Houston this weekend to rest my heart.

Plays of the Week

-                    Joan, Laurie, and Hannah visiting Ann and helping her bag an awesome wig.

-                    Meals, groceries, gift cards, and airline tickets from family, friends, neighbors, and soccer moms.

-                    Going to breakfast with each of the kids prior to their doctor’s appointments.

Prayer Requests

-                    That the results of Ann’s MRI and bone scans would confirm that the cancer has not spread to her bones.

-                    That the results of the kids’ tests would be negative and no follow up would be required.

-                    That Howard’s heart (figuratively and physically) would stay strong.

-                    That God would heal Ann so that she would live to know her grandchildren.

1 Corinthians 10:13

“No trial has overtaken you that is not faced by others.

And God is faithful:

He will not let you be tried beyond what you are able to bear,

but with the trial will also provide a way out

so that you may be able to endure it” (NET, emphasis  mine).

Believing that this Word is true.

.

What’s Up with the Kids?

9/21/2006

Ann warned me that my last email was too brief. Based on some of your responses, I guess I should have listened to her.

Hannah hurt her knee sometime this summer and appears to have aggravated it this fall in volleyball. We went to the family doctor who sent us to an orthopedic one. He suspects that her swelling is caused by “placa” (swollen tissue) in her knee and ordered an MRI to confirm this. We will find out the results on Wednesday. A scope procedure on her knee may be required.

The family doctor found two abnormalities with Drew at his annual physical. His blood work showed a possible problem with his liver in that his bilirubin counts were high. They were normal when tested again last Thursday. Also, his heart appeared to have some abnormal thickening in the walls so he sent us to a cardiologist. Drew had an echocardiogram today and the cardiologist confirmed that his heart was functioning perfectly. The thickening is typical of young athletes.

The family doctor found that Paul’s platelets were elevated this summer. They remained at an elevated level when he rechecked them a few weeks ago, so he sent us to our hematologist last Friday. That doctor said the slightly elevated levels were common in teenagers and that he did not suspect any problems. However, he ordered a bone marrow biopsy just to be safe. We find out the results of that test a week from Friday.

Matt will not be getting a physical anytime soon.

.

The Good, the Bad,

and the Beautiful

9/25/2006

In his book When Heaven is Silent Ron Dunn writes, “Good and bad run on parallel tracks, and they usually arrive about the same time.”[28]

Cancer was evil this week, but God has countered with good.

The Bad: We met with the doctor on Friday to learn the results of the MRI and bone scan. Both tests confirmed that the cancer had spread to her pelvic bones and to her spine.

The Good: Though the tumors are in a number of her vertebrae, the cancer has not invaded the spinal column that surrounds her spinal cord. Also, there is no immediate danger of bone breakage.

The Bad: A mom separated from her kids, husband, home, and friends.

The Good: A surrogate family and several friends in Houston.

The Good: A road trip by the four kids, well-stocked with junk food from friends, to spend the weekend with Ann. We waded in the waves and played football on the beach at Galveston on Saturday.

The Good: A road trip back to Dallas with Ann in the front seat. Much to the surprise of the kids, the doctor had released Ann to go home early because her blood counts had rebounded.

The Bad: Ann’s hair began to fall out over the weekend.

The Good: The chemo is killing fast growing cells in her body, like hair and cancer.

The Beautiful: Joan, Laurie, and Shayne gave Ann a “trim” and then took her to Starbucks for comfort. Her new hair looks great.

The Kids

-                    We will learn the results of Paul’s bone marrow biopsy on Friday.

-                    Drew’s liver and heart are both clear.

-                    Hannah will have arthroscopic surgery on her knee on October 9th.

-                    We continue to hide Matt from all medical personnel.

Romans 8:28

“And we know that in all things

God works for the good of those who love him,

who have been called according to his purpose.”

Galveston, September 2006

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The Second Round

10/1/2006

I stole a few minutes to watch part of Cinderella Man a couple of weeks ago. The story revolves around James Braddock, a washed up boxer fighting for survival during the Great Depression. Towards the end of the movie Braddock drove off to Madison Square Garden to fight the bigger, stronger, younger world champion. His wife fearfully avoided a ringside seat, but walked to her church to pray for his safety. She found a packed house when she arrived—dozens of family and friends had already filled the pews to pray for his safety and victory. Their prayers impacted the fight.

__________________________

Their prayers impacted

the outcome of the fight.

__________________________

Even though I had seen the movie before, I was especially gripped by that scene given our present circumstances. Thank you for the calls, cards, and emails. There are times that we feel like throwing in the towel. Your encouragement keeps us fighting. Thank you for praying for our safety and victory. Your prayers are impacting the outcome of this fight.

Round 2

Laurie drove Ann back to Houston this afternoon so that Ann can begin her second round of chemo on Thursday morning. I fly down on Saturday and hope to bring Ann back Monday afternoon. She will then be at home for a little over two weeks before the next cycle begins.

Prayer Requests

-                    That God would strengthen and heal Ethan and Darla; Chris, Ray, and Linda; Lisa, Nancy, and Judy… each is in his or her own ring with an overwhelming foe.

-                    That Ann would respond to this round as well as she did the first one.

Exodus 17:11-13

“As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning.

When Moses’ hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it.

Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset.

So Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword” (emphasis mine).

Thanks for holding us up in this battle.

.

Hey, It’s Good to

Be Back Home Again

10/2/2006

Ann and I returned from Houston this afternoon, having completed her second round of chemo, just in time to eat supper together as a family. We are now thankful for things we previously took for granted.

The second round of chemo was tougher than the first—both physically and emotionally. We have heard from fellow warriors that this is often the case. We will return to Houston on October 19th for tests to see if the cancer is growing, has stabilized, or is shrinking.

Some of the kids spent the weekend with friends; some stayed here at home. Fortunately, the house was still standing when we returned and truly looked great. Each child has stepped up in his or her own way to help out.

Ann will be here in Dallas for about two and one-half weeks to rest and recover. Her mother comes from St. Joseph on Wednesday to help handle some of the “mom” things, so that Ann won’t try to.

Prayer Re-Runs

-                    That Ann would enjoy being a mom without acting like a mom while here at home.

-                    That the tests on October 19th would show that the cancer has at least stabilized.

-                    That God would completely heal Ann in his time and in his way so that she might know our grandchildren.

Psalm 30:2-3

“O LORD my God, I called to you for help

And you healed me.

O LORD, you brought me up from the grave;

You spared me from going down into the pit.”

.

One Leg at a Time

By Ann

Ann periodically recorded her thoughts in a journal as a part of her spiritual journey, especially during difficult times. She often picked up a decorative journal from a gift shop, but sometimes she just scribbled her thoughts to God on whatever scrap of paper she could find.

Last night, as I was searching for her journal from the early nineties in which Ann recorded her heartache after our miscarriages, I found this journal with a Thomas Kincade-ish looking painting of a light house on a rocky shore with storm clouds gathering.

The journal was from the early months of our battle with cancer. I wish the journal contained a thousand entries, but it only contained three. I’ve reproduced her notes in these three vignettes so that you can hear the heart cries of a mom in the middle of a violent storm.

Her first entry simply contained two quotes from Randy Becton. The emphasis was Ann’s.

October 11, 2006

“Cancer can’t threaten God’s plan for his sons and daughters. This knowledge is my source of hope and peace.”[29]

“God always gives us strength for one leg of the journey at a time.”[30]

.

No Way Around

the Storms

By Ann

Ann begins this second entry with a quotation from Isaiah. Ann’s former supervisor with Campus Crusade for Christ, and our close friend, had just sent an email encouraging Ann with this verse.

October 12, 2006

“Fear not,

for I have redeemed you;

I have summoned you by name;

You are mine.

When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;

And when you pass through the rivers,

they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

you will not be burned;

The flames will not set you ablaze” (Isaiah 43:1b-2).

There is no way around the storms and their darkness.

We must experience them.

God promises to go through the waters with me.

The rivers will not sweep over me.

The flames will not set me ablaze.

Walking through the fire, I will not be burned.

God is in control. I don’t feel like it at times.

I want to be healed, to live. Will God grant this?

He is sovereign and good.

I dislike this journey I’m on.

I want out of it. But Lord, I can’t.

It is where we are. It’s where I’m at.

.

My Heart’s Desire

By Ann

Ann’s third entry begins with some observations on various verses in the Gospels on prayer. She concludes this unfinished entry with the revelation of her heart’s desire.

October 16, 2006

Little prayers of the Gospels:

-                    Peter’s “Lord, save me!” (Matthew 14:30)

-                    A mother’s, “Lord, help me!” (Matthew 15:25)

-                    Sometimes even less. No prayer at all, but the brief telling of trouble: “My servant lies at home paralyzed and in terrible suffering” (Matthew 8:6).

-                    And less than that. A thought and a touch: “She said to herself, ‘If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed’” (Matthew 9:21).

I only have to touch your cloak, and I will be healed.

Her faith was in you—in the power you had.

I know, Jesus, that it is only [by] you that I will be healed.

Heal me, Lord Jesus.

Take this cancer from me.

Allow me to see my grandchildren—[even] Matt’s children.

You asked the blind men, “Do you believe that I am able to do this?”

They replied, “Yes, Lord” (Matthew 9:27-29).

Lord, I’m wavering in believing you will do this.

I know you can.

I know apart from you it won’t happen.

The odds are against me.[31]

Help me in my unbelief.

Guard my heart to believe your word is truth.

You are faithful.

Your mercies are new every morning.

Have compassion on me.

Have mercy on me.

Thank you for being near me, for being with me, for being ever present.

Be with our children, Lord.

Matt is struggling so much.

He was before, but he is even more [now].

How do we help him? What do we do?

He is so angry. He is so afraid.

Show us how to love him.

Show us how to teach him to trust you.

Father, we all need you so desperately.

Please don’t take me from them.

Let me live a healthy life.

Let us praise you as a family.

This is my heart’s desire.

My cross is where I’m at right now.

It’s my cancer.

I take it up today and follow you.

Thank you f…

Interrupted

Ann ended in mid-sentence. Actually, mid-word. Perhaps one of the kids needed something. Perhaps the phone rang. As any mom knows, interruptions are a constant occurrence. Ann hated the interruption that cancer was bringing at that time and might bring in the future—as any mother would.

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What’s Up with the Kids –

Epilogue

10/15/2006

It appears that the chapter on our kid’s health has thankfully concluded.

Hannah’s knee surgery last Monday went well. Apart from her reaction to the anesthesia, which allowed her to set the family upchuck record, she has been recovering very quickly. Her knee should be as good as new after three weeks of rehabilitation—just in time for basketball season.

The doctor’s determined that Drew’s heart and liver were both healthy. The tests had just recorded variations of normal that is common with teenage athletes. His chest pains during soccer were likely a result of asthma.

The hematologist determined that Paul’s platelet counts were also normal for a teenager. He just needs to eat more red meat because he is slightly anemic. Paul laughed about his plight because we have become a chicken-only household thanks to my heart.

Our determination to hide Matt from doctors continues.

I have been experiencing more frequent chest pains over the last month, so I had a nuclear stress test on Wednesday. The cardiologist concluded that my stents were open and my heart was functioning fine. Apparently, I’m just a bit stressed out. The great news is that my cholesterol had dropped down to 117. I will keep eating that chicken, but will also indulge in a few more chocolate desserts.

Ann has enjoyed being home these last two weeks. She has been able to see Matt play football, watch Drew play soccer, help Hannah recover from surgery, and shop with Paul for his girlfriend’s homecoming mum.

The second week was much better than the first, both physically and emotionally. (It seems that emotional strength is often impacted by how one feels physically.) She and her mom decorated the house for fall on Thursday, which was a pleasant surprise and a welcomed symbol of normalcy.

The highlight was spending yesterday afternoon and evening in a nearby state park with friends from our Bible study who were camping. It was great to be out of the city and to see trees instead of buildings and to hear silence rather than traffic.

Psalm 34:17-18

“The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;

He delivers them from all their troubles.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted,

And saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

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A Friend’s Sister in Idaho

10/19/2006

What do the following have in common?

-                    A friend’s sister in Idaho

-                    A Baptist temple in Oklahoma City

-                    Iowa State friends from Singapore

-                    A college principal in Australia

Early in this storm we received an email from a friend here in Dallas who encouraged us with the news that her sister in Idaho was praying for us. It wasn’t the first or the last of such emails, but it was the one that made me take notice. Certainly, God was at work if someone in Idaho, who didn’t even know us, cared enough to pray.

Since I am a former anal retentive accountant, I decided we would begin to keep track of all the states and countries where there were people praying. The current count is thirteen countries and thirty states.

Countries: United States, Thailand, Peru, Columbia, Australia, New Zealand, Singapore, Ukraine, Hungary, Ecuador, Albania, China, Canada and Texas.

States: Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, Nebraska, Oklahoma, Arizona, Florida, Illinois, Kansas, Virginia, West Virginia, Wisconsin, Indiana, Idaho, California, Ohio, Arkansas, Georgia, Massachusetts, Oregon, North Carolina, Hawaii, Pennsylvania, Washington, Tennessee, Michigan, New Jersey, Colorado, and Alabama.

In his book God in the Storm Marc Maillefer writes,

“Remember this the next time you come alongside someone who’s going through a storm. Don’t ever think prayer is the least you can do. I believe it may be the best we can do for those in a storm.”[32]

Thank you for giving your best to us and others who are caught in a storm.

Dread and Fear

Ann and I are leaving for Houston momentarily and will spend the afternoon and evening undergoing a number of tests. We meet with Dr. Lockhart[33] at 1:00 p.m. on Friday to review the results and then start Round Three around 3:00 p.m. I will drive back on Monday morning and Ann will fly home on Wednesday.

Dread and fear are two words that capture our emotions.

2 Corinthians 1:10b-11a

“On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us,

as you help us by your prayers” (emphasis mine).

Prayer Requests

-                    That Ann would have emotional strength to return to Houston on Thursday, to meet with the doctor, and to begin Round Three.

-                    That the tests on Thursday and Friday would show that the cancer has at least stabilized.

-                    That God would show his love and power to the kids while we are gone.

-                    That God would completely heal Ann in his time and in his way so that she might know our grandchildren.

.

Miracles along the Way

10/21/2006

Ann scored a couple of touchdowns at yesterday’s doctor’s appointment.

Toleration: Dr. Lockhart was very encouraged by how well Ann’s body is tolerating the chemo, because it is a very toxic regimen. Ann’s blood counts have rebounded well and she has had only mild nausea.

Effectiveness: The chemo has been very effective in fighting the cancer after two cycles. The lesions on her liver were dramatically reduced. One large tumor went from 2.6 cm to 1.2 cm. Several of the smaller ones are now hardly visible. The lesions on her bones (spine, ribs, shoulder blades, and pelvis) showed no change. The doctor assumes that these lesions have also decreased, but it is difficult to confirm from the tests that were taken. There is no evidence that the cancer has spread to any new areas. The lungs remain clear.

_______________________________

We don’t know the final outcome,

or even know how long

the battle will last,

but we do know the referee.

________________________________

Marc Maillefer records the following testimony in his book God in the Storm,[34]

“It is so easy to become overwhelmed by the future and the questions that arise...Yet I have found that God gives strength for today and provides miracles along the way to show me that He is in control of this situation.”

We believe that Ann miraculously scored because God answered your prayers. We are encouraged by this fresh evidence that He is in control in our storm.

Yet we are guarded in our optimism. We don’t know the final outcome, or even know how long the battle will last, but we do know the referee.

Psalm 44:3

“It was not by the sword that they won the land,

Nor did their arm bring them victory;

It was your right hand, your arm,

And the light of your face, for you loved them” (capitalization mine).

.

In There Long Enough

From Keith Tally

A close friend from college encouraged us with this email shortly after Ann’s diagnosis.[35]

One fall evening, I came home from football practice to find out that my dad was in the hospital. He was ok, but had been through a traumatic experience.

We had just added a new manure pit to the end of our farrowing house (the mother and baby pig building). The first litters of pigs had just arrived. My dad looked in a manhole cover on top of the pit, and saw that a plastic pig waterer had fallen into the pit. He decided to fish it out with a hoe that was lying nearby. He reached in, and couldn’t quite reach it. He reached a bit further. The waterer was on top of what waste was just starting to fill the pit. In reaching in further, he now found himself with his head, both arms and both shoulders inside the pit, with his legs outside the pit, kind of just touching the ground. Most of his weight was on his hip bones, on the concrete along the edge of the pit cap.

This was about 1:00 in the afternoon. He spent the next four hours or so in that position, as he couldn’t get either of his shoulders back out of the hole to pull himself out. He considered diving in the rest of the way, but wasn’t sure that his hips would fit through the opening, and if he was hanging even lower down, he might not be able to keep his head above the waste. Or if he did make it in, how or when he’d get back out. What he did do, to make sure he didn’t slip in farther, was to wedge the hoe into the corner of the walls near the hole, and use that to hold up some of his weight. It wasn’t the greatest tool for that job, but it was all he had. The marks in the walls later were a reminder of his struggle during that time.

A Breeze and a Dog

Often, the fumes in a pit like that are enough to kill a person. But because it was just recently starting to fill for the first time, there was less of that than there would be normally. And dad said later, that when he felt like he was losing his breath, a breeze would blow through the opening on the other side of the pit, and give him a bit of fresh air.

And also, one of our farm dogs—Penny—a Border Collie, German Shepherd mix, stayed with him during that time. I think he could reach one of his hands outside the hole, but not his arm, and she would lick his hand.

Eventually, Mom began to wonder where Dad was. My younger brother had come home on the bus. Dad heard the bus, and tried to yell for help when he thought Kevin would be reaching the top of the lane after getting off the bus, but for some reason, the driver had driven up the lane, and dropped Kevin off in the front yard. So by the time Dad started yelling, Kevin was inside the house, and that resulted in Dad being in the pit awhile longer. When mom finally found him, she called for the ambulance, but also called a couple neighbors, one of them being Estle Foster. Estle came right down. Estle was the neighbor that Dad would call on for help with a lot of the bigger jobs on the farm, and Dad would help Estle with the big jobs at his place.

Long Enough

Mom and Estle were there with Dad, and maybe the other neighbor, an older man. They were trying to figure out how best to get Dad out. Should they wait for the medics? What was the best way to lift him out? How many guys would they need to lift him? After talking for a bit, Estle, in a voice that I can hear in my mind, even though I wasn’t there, said,

“He’s been in there long enough.”

Estle walked over, grabbed Dad’s legs, and all by himself, and probably with some adrenaline assist, heaved him up out of that hole.

I don’t know much else of what happened, and some of the details may not all be totally correct, but I do know this—Estle was the kind of neighbor that you could count on. And when he decided that Dad had been in there long enough, you knew he was going to do all that he could do to get him out.

________________________________

Sometimes God grants us sustenance.

But God also grants us deliverance.

It’s only a matter of time.

________________________________

Deliverance

God has reminded me of that phrase from time to time—that there is always a point where he looks down at us and says, “He’s been in there long enough.” He sustained the children of Israel while in slavery, but eventually, the day came when he said, “They’ve been in there long enough.” He has seen us in our sin—trapped, unable to help ourselves out. And he has sustained us—kept us alive. But he sent his Son, Jesus, to tell us, “You’ve been in there long enough.” He lifts us out. Trials come our way, and we wonder if we’re going to make it, but somehow, God helps us through. And out.

Sometimes God grants us sustenance—

just what we need to stay alive.

A hoe in your hand, a breeze with some fresh air,

a loyal dog staying with you, licking your hand.

But God also grants us deliverance.

It’s only a matter of time.

.

Recovery from

Round Four

11/21/2006

We returned from Houston a week ago after successfully completing Round Four. Our doctor was very pleased at how well Ann has tolerated the chemo. The immediate goal is to make it through Round Six. At that point the side effects of the chemo will be weighed against its effectiveness in retarding the cancer to determine if Ann continues two more rounds, takes a break, or tries another regimen. Ann is ready for a break.

____________________

We are all tired

of the stress.

____________________

When considering the toxic nature of her chemo, Ann is doing tremendously well. She has only had occasional nausea and her internal organs are still functioning perfectly. No treatments have been postponed.

When considering what her “normal” life was like, she feels pretty crummy. She started to feel good after Round Threeon the day we returned to Houston for Round Four. She needed a platelet transfusion after Round Three. Today she will receive both a platelet and a blood transfusion. We need to expect that each round will be incrementally more difficult.

As might be expected the physical fatigue contributes to emotional fatigue and this recovery period has been the toughest emotionally. We are all tired of the stress.

Prayer Requests

-                    That Ann would tolerate today’s transfusions without any negative reactions. (The platelet transfusion last month resulted in a precautionary trip to the emergency room.)

-                    That Ann would enjoy Thanksgiving this week without worrying about what next Thanksgiving will bring.

-                    That God would completely heal Ann in his way and in his time so that she can know our grandchildren.

Psalm 90:12-15

“So teach us to number our days,

That we may present to You a heart of wisdom.

Do return, O LORD; how long will it be?

And be sorry for Your servants.

O satisfy us in the morning with Your lovingkindness,

That we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.

Make us glad according to the days You have afflicted us,

And the years we have seen evil” (NASB, capitalization mine).

.

Giving Thanks

11/26/2006

Although 2006 was not the year we had hoped for, we are very grateful for God’s presence and comfort, his provision and strength during the last six months. Here is our “Top Ten List” for giving thanks this Thanksgiving.

10.               Provision of a new job. I started with Tribridge (www.tribridge .com) at the end of March as a result of an interview with a competing consulting firm the previous September. I was an independent consultant prior to Tribridge—no sick or vacation time, no health insurance, and compensation based primarily on billable work. My managers at Tribridge have graciously given me flexibility so that I can be with Ann in Houston.

9.               Graduation from seminary. We are grateful that I graduated (May 13th) before the full force of the storm hit. Taking classes under the present circumstances would not be possible. Coming up a few classes short would have been exasperating.

8.               Timing of my heart attack. We are thankful that my heart attack (May 15th) proceeded Ann’s surgery and initial diagnosis (July 26th). Fortunately, I had regained much of my physical and emotional strength by then. It would have been messy if Ann’s cancer had hit first.

7.               Character of our doctor. Our doctor at M.D. Anderson is competent, confident, and compassionate. We need all three to have the strength and courage to fight.

6.               Generosity of family and friends. Countless emails, cards, and calls have encouraged us. Delicious meals, bags of groceries, school lunch money, and gift cards have kept the kids from suffering with my cooking. Friends and family have sent generous gifts. Co-workers from Dallas and Florida have donated vacation time and cash. Our church in Iowa continues to give, as they have since we left nine years ago. Our home Bible study group here in Dallas has been indispensable. Don’t go through a storm without one. We know that God has not abandoned us because you have been with us, bearing our burdens (Galatians 6:2).

5.               Sacrifice of our moms. Both our moms have put a portion of their lives on hold in order to help us out. Both have already been with us for extended stays. Ann’s mom returned for Thanksgiving and will stay past Round Five. My mom is returning for Christmas and will stay past Round Six.

4.               Courage of our kids. It’s hard to know at times how our kids are doing. As might be expected we have had a number of family meltdowns. However, we take heart that teachers, youth pastors, and friends have all observed that the kids seem to be handling the separation, fear, and uncertainty quite well. We are grateful for your heartfelt prayers for our kids.

3.               Faith of our friends. DeeDee, a nurse in Dallas, prayed for the initial diagnosis (ninety percent certainty) to be wrong because God was the “God of the ten percent.” She was right and the pathologist was wrong. Sergio, an elder in our church in Dallas, prayed for healing when I had no hope. I thought it was a nice gesture, but naive. Joe, a pastor who himself had beenhealed from stage IV melanoma,[36] along with his wife Terry encouraged us to trust God for complete healing. It was okayfor Ann to want to live and to be there for our grandkids. Charles, our pastor from Iowa, not only drove down for our first appointment with the oncologist, but he is also leading the church to fight for Ann’s life through prayer. Many of you have expressed your passionate prayer that Ann be healed. The list can go on and on. Your faith carries us when we are paralyzed (Mark 2:1-5).

2.               Toleration of Chemo. Ann has completed four tough rounds of chemo and is holding up remarkably well. We expect that she will be able to make it through six rounds with this regimen. The test results after Round Twoindicated that the chemo was killing the cancer. We will have another group of tests on Thursday and will learn those results on Friday. We pray that six rounds will be enough.

1.               The hope of Scriptures. We have been reading the Bible together each day since we first learned Ann had cancer. It was the only way we could deal with it. The psalms provide us with comfort. The Gospels provide us with hope. We believe in the resurrection of the dead (John 11:25) and we believe that Jesus heals in response to faith (Mark 10:51-52).

We hope that our “Top Ten List” will encourage you to see the Father in the midst of your own storm.

.

Effective Chemo or

an Awesome God?

12/2/2006

We returned to Houston on Thursday for tests and met with the oncologist yesterday morning to review the results. We are encouraged that the test results again showed significant progress.

-                    The largest tumor in her liver shrunk another fifty percent since the middle of October.

-                    Many of the smaller tumors there are no longer visible.

-                    The total number of tumors has gone from dozens and dozens to about a dozen.

-                    The cancer in her bones remains stable. (MRI’s can’t really show a decrease, so stable is good news.)

-                    There is no evidence that the cancer has spread since the chemo has started.

The doctor continues to be pleased with Ann’s tolerance of the chemo. Patients often have to quit this regimen because the side effects make the “quality of life” too unbearable.

The new plan is to go for the maximum of eight rounds—if Ann continues to hold up. Even if the cancer would appear to be gone after six rounds, prudence would dictate that we continue for eight.

Effective Prayer?

Is God answering prayer or is the chemo effectively treating the cancer? Philip Yancey, in his book on prayer, writes words these words:

“In the normal course of providence, God works through and in creation, not despite it. For this reason, most answers to prayer are difficult to prove with any certainty.”[37]

Ann might just be really tough like Lance Armstrong.[38] The chemo might be killing the cancer just as designed. Yancey continues,

“We believe a prayer has been answered not because of any scientific criteria proving cause and effect, but because we have faith. Trusting in God’s character, we can see in the relation between our prayer and an event more than a coincidence.”[39]

Prayer Requests

Please join us in making the following items more than a coincidence:

-                    That Ann could focus on enjoying family and friends this month without contemplating what next year will bring.

-                    That Ann will hold onto hope, even when her body is tired and her emotions are spent.

-                    That Ann would continue to tolerate the chemo so that she can make it through eight rounds.

-                    That God would heal Ann in his time and in his way so that she can know our grandkids.

Psalm 33:18-20

“But the eyes of the LORDare on those who fear him,

on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,

to deliver them from death

and keep them alive in famine.

We wait in hope for the LORD.

He is our help and our shield (emphasis and capitalization mine).”

Psalm 103:1-5

“Praise the LORD, O my soul!

With all that is within me, praise his holy name!

Praise the LORD, O my soul!

Do not forget all his kind deeds!

He is the one

who forgives all your sins,

who heals all your diseases,

who delivers your life from the Pit,

who crowns you with his loyal love and compassion,

who satisfies your life with good things,

so your youth is renewed like an eagle’s” (NET, emphasis mine).

.

Six Rounds and

Still Standing

1/1/2007

In the big picture Ann’s toleration of the chemo continues to be remarkable. Again, our oncologist was very encouraging in her assessment. The current plan is to attempt the eight round maximum. Our gratitude for your prayers is beyond words.

The recovery period between Rounds Fiveand Six went relatively well. The extra week off helped Ann to regain some semblance of feeling “normal.”

Yet, the time was not without a few setbacks. Ann developed shingles about mid way through this recovery period. Fortunately, we noticed it early and Ann was able to take an effective prescription. The pain was only difficult for a few days.

Ann again needed a platelet and blood transfusion to sustain her between the rounds. When Ann received her first transfusion a few months ago, she was disappointed. She felt as though she had somehow failed because her body needed extra help to recover from the chemo. However, after enjoying the resulting infusion of strength and energy, she now views the transfusions as a gift from God, as a source of new life not an indication of failure. We are grateful to someone somewhere who willingly gave his/her blood to sustain Ann in this struggle. We are reminded of Jesus Christ who willingly shed his blood to purchase what we could not—forgiveness of sin and life after death.

1 Peter 1:18-19

“You know that from your empty way of life inherited from your ancestors you were ransomed –

not by perishable things like silver or gold,

but by precious blood like that of an unblemished and spotless lamb, namely Christ (NET).”

Separation

Leaving the kids and me the day after Christmas to return to Houston was especially difficult for Ann. Laurie accompanied Ann at the hospital for a few days, then Sue took a turn. I flew to Houston for the last few days. Ann and I drove back to Dallas last evening and arrived in time to celebrate New Year’s Eve with the kids, indulging in our traditional chocolate fondue.

When we first went to M.D. Anderson in September and learned that the initial sojourn in Houston would be five weeks and every third week after that, we were frustrated, disappointed, and angered. If God were to take Ann’s life early, why add to the pain by separating her from the kids for these extended periods. However, the separation has given Ann a new appreciation for Jesus Christ’s thirty-year sojourn in Israel. The Son of God willingly left his Father in heaven to live among men. He was born in a manger so he could die on a cross. He was separated from His Father when he took our sins that we might be restored to the Father when we trust in him.

John 1:14

“The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us.

We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only,

who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.”

John 3:16

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,

that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

Prayer Requests

-                    That we can maintain our trust in God’s character and hope in his deliverance. At times it is really tough.

-                    That the tests on January 18th will show that the chemo is continuing to kill the cancer. (To be honest, we are hoping that the cancer is no longer visible.)

-                    That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that she can know our grandchildren.

We pray that God will give you a new appreciation for the depth of his love as demonstrated by the death of his Son.

.

Tough Questions

1/18/2007

Physically, Ann’s recovery from Round Six continued to go remarkably well. She had the pep to cheer at some of Matt’s and Hannah’s basketball games. She traveled with me to Arkansas to deliver Paul to John Brown University for his first semester. She didn’t even require a blood or platelet transfusion this time. Perhaps the extra week of recovery at Christmas refreshed her body a bit.

________________________

What if there is no God?

What if the Bible isn’t true?

________________________

Emotionally, some days can be really tough. Leaving Paul in Arkansas. Leaving Hannah on her birthday to return to Houston for Round Seven. The nagging pain in Ann’s back and midsection. Not feeling well day after day. The death of a young man for whom we had earnestly prayed. Hope is very elusive some days.

Ann has voiced these questions:

-                    What if there is no God?

-                    What if the Bible isn’t true?

-                    Will I be here to take the other kids to college?

-                    Will I be here for Hannah’s birthday next year?

The first two are valid questions and appropriate to ponder at this point. They have crossed my mind more than once as well. Yet, I was able to confidently guarantee that God is and the Bible’s true. That is the one thing we have to cling to. In fact it’s all we have. Otherwise, we have no hope and death doesn’t matter anyway.

No Guarantee

In some ways the second two questions are tougher.[40] I want more than anything to guarantee affirmative answers to Ann. I’m re-examining the Bible, reading books, and pondering circumstances, yet I’m still unable to promise that she will be healed and live to a certain age. In reality none of us have a guarantee beyond today.

I have found that my toughest task is to encourage Ann to cling to hope, without naively promising things outside my control.

Prayer Requests

-                    That the God would enable Ann to cling to hope, even when circumstances seem hopeless.

-                    That the various tests from last night and today would show that the chemo is continuing to kill the cancer. (We will take whatever God gives, but would love it if the cancer was no longer visible.)

-                    That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that she might know our grandchildren.

John 6:66-68

“After this many of his disciples quit following him and did not accompany him any longer.

So Jesus said to the twelve, ‘You don’t want to go away too, do you?’

Simon Peter answered him, ‘Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words of eternal life’” (NET).

.

The Stability of Our Faith

1/20/2007

Our doctor walked in to the exam room and cheerfully announced, “The scans are fine. The cancer is stable.” Her emotions and words seemed a bit contradictory, especially since we expected continued shrinkage of the tumors and were quietly hoping for “no sign of disease.”

However, she explained that angiosarcoma tumors are often initially very responsive to chemo, but then begin to stabilize. She assured us that stable is good. In fact it is difficult to tell via the scans if the cancer is dormant or dead.

This is the picture that I came away with. Ann’s liver is like a Weber grill and the tumors are the charcoal briquettes. The scans show that the briquettes are about the same size as they were six weeks ago. Unfortunately, the scans can’t tell us if the briquettes are still smoldering, or if they have gone out. Only time will tell. If the tumors begin to grow after taking a break from chemo, then we’ll know that the briquettes were still on fire. To be honest we would rather walk by sight.

Popping the Question

When we first learned that Ann had angiosarcoma, I asked the doctor in Dallas about her prognosis. He stated that it was too early to tell. Life expectancy would depend on the aggressive nature of her cancer and its responsiveness to the chemo. The worst case—aggressive and unresponsive—might mean a year.

We had intentionally chosen not to discuss that topic with our doctor in Houston, but the subject came up Friday as we asked questions like, “What chemo would be used for the next regimen?” and “How long can a person be on chemo?” We were encouraged and relieved when Dr. Lockhart assured us that we were not in that worst case scenario. Medically speaking, there is no reason to expect that Ann would miss Hannah’s next birthday.

Do we put our trust in the doctor or the chemo? No. Does this bit of encouragement help us to walk by faith? Absolutely.

Our Rock

My hope is built on nothing less

Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.

I dare not trust the sweetest frame,

But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,

All other ground is sinking sand;

All other ground is sinking sand.[41]

Matthew 7:24-25

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.

The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house;

Yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.”

Prayer Requests

-                    That God would continue to enable Ann to tolerate the chemo for rounds Sevenand Eight.

-                    That God would fill us with hope in his character and deliverance as we put his Word into practice.

-                    That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that she can know our grandkids.

.

The Final Round?

2/9/2007

I remember standing in the lobby of M.D. Anderson back on September 1st, making phone calls back to Dallas and elsewhere. The doctor had just confirmed that Ann had angiosarcoma. The initial treatment plan would consist of an aggressive six to eight rounds of chemo, which would require Ann to live in Houston for the first five weeks and then every third week after that. I remember being overwhelmed with questions like “What will the chemo do to Ann?”, “Where will the kids stay?”, and “How will I manage work?”

Ann starts her eighth round of chemo this afternoon. There were certainly times when we wondered if we would make it this far. Yet here we are. God has proven his strength and love. Here are the “Big Ten”[42] reasons that we made it through these eight rounds.

Big Ten List

11.               Health insurance.

10.               A flexible and accommodating work schedule.

9.               Meals and gifts, cards and emails from family and friends.

8.               Our kids—for their patience, resilience, and child-like faith.

7.               Dave andJoan, Jim and Laurie—for walking with us because they walked it before us.

6.               Bill andSue—for providing a safe refuge in Houston.

5.               Our moms—for putting their lives on hold to keep ours from falling apart.

4.               Ann’s toleration of the chemo—it set her back, but it didn’t knock her out.

3.               The effectiveness of the chemo—the tumors shrunk by fifty percent twice, are now stable, and perhaps dead.

2.               Prayer—ours and yours.

1.               The Bible.

Psalm 62:11-12

“One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard:

that you, O God, are strong,

and that you, O LORD, are loving.”

.

A Toxic Lifeboat

2/28/2007

We head back to Houston Wednesday evening for another set of tests on Thursday morning, in order to see if the chemo is still effectively holding the cancer at bay. We will anxiously wait until Friday at 1:00 p.m. to learn the results.

By God’s grace and in answer to your prayers Ann has held up for the maximum of eight rounds with this chemo regimen. The side effects were minimal and manageable—many patients struggle to survive five or six rounds. Most importantly the cancer shrunk by fifty percent after the first two rounds and another fifty percent after the next two. The cancer remained “stable” (i.e. not growing) after six rounds. We are praying for “no sign of disease” after eight.

This trip will be unusual because it will not include the five days of chemotherapy. The plan is for Ann to take a four week break without chemo. Tests will follow that break. If the cancer remains stable, then she will take another eight weeks off. However, if the cancer starts to grow again, then she will start a new regimen of chemo. If this new regimen is required, it would be administered in Dallas. We would just need to return to Houston for regular testing.

We are grateful to have come this far. In September it seemed impossible. How would we stay afloat? Yet, God has sustained us through the prayer and care of our family and friends. We know that God is real because we have felt his love though you.

We are relieved to have this break from chemo. Every three weeks for the past twenty-five, Ann was hit with another wave of chemo about the time she started to feel better. We are praying that Ann will begin to feel somewhat “normal”—both physically and emotionally—during this reprieve. Some laughter would be good. Some quality time with the kids over Spring Break would be great.

We are apprehensive about what the future will bring. The chemo has been Ann’s lifeboat, protecting her from the raging sea. It was safe and it became routine. However, it was also toxic. Staying in the boat is now more dangerous than fighting the sea, so Ann must leave the safety of the lifeboat and climb back into the sea. She will tread water as long as she can. Only time will tell if she is close to shore or an impossible distance from land. If she starts to go under, another lifeboat is available. It will certainly be less toxic, but it comes with no guarantee of effectiveness. It may float for a long time, or it may not float at all. It is designed to protect her from the sea but not to carry her to shore.

We are hopeful in the One who is greater than a lifeboat. We have hope in life after death because Jesus paid for our sins by the cross and he conquered death by the empty tomb. Ann trusted in Christ’s death and resurrection as a little girl and, as a result, knows that her future in heaven is guaranteed. We also have hope in life rather than death because the One who walked on water and calmed the sea can deliver Ann with or without a lifeboat. The ferocity of the waves and the distance from shore are irrelevant. The Gospels demonstrate Jesus’ ability and willingness to heal.

Thank you for praying for us. You have kept us from going under and may in time bring us to shore.

Prayer Requests

-                    That God would calm the storm in Ann’s heart as we wait for Friday and as we tread water this month.

-                    That Ann would begin to feel “normal” physically and emotionally as she takes a break from chemo.

-                    That we could have some quality time as a family over Spring Break. Laughter, normalcy, rest.

-                    That God would completely heal Ann so that our grandkids might know her. (Thanks to my friend Keith for this emphasis.)

Luke 8:23b-25a

“A squall came down on the lake, so that the boat was being swamped, and they were in great danger.

The disciples went and woke him, saying,

‘Master, Master, we’re going to drown!’

He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm.

‘Where is your faith?’ he asked his disciples.”

John 5:24

“I tell you the solemn truth, the one who hears my message and believes the one who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned, but has crossed over from death to life” (NET).

Finally, if you are not sure that your future in heaven is guaranteed, please take a few minutes to read the appendix. It briefly recounts how I placed my faith in Jesus Christ and gained that assurance.

.

A Timely Test

3/3/2007

Our doctor reported excellent results from Thursday’s scans. The tumors in Ann’s liver and bones remained stable, unchanged now over the last twelve weeks. Ann’s lungs continue to be free of cancer. Most importantly, her liver is functioning normally, which indicates that the cancer present there has not caused damage.

The tests also confirm that Ann has held up remarkably well to the toxicity of the chemo. Her kidneys are functioning normally, which is unusual after eight rounds of this chemo regimen. Ann’s brave heart is also functioning normally in spite of the chemo.

Thank you for praying this week for Ann. She was surprisingly calm yesterday as she endured the tests and was even relatively calm before today’s appointment. Thank you for praying for Ann these last eight months. It may just be a coincidence that the chemo is killing the cancer without killing Ann. However, I’d be willing to bet that God is answering the persistent prayers of his people.

Dr. Lockhart reiterated that “stable” is great news because it means that the cancer is not growing. The cancerous briquettes might have completely gone out; they might still be smoldering. Time will be our test.

Four weeks without chemo.

No blood work. No needles. No transfusions. No hospitals.

The return to normalcy is welcome.

Four weeks without chemo.

No sparring with the cancer. No lifeboat.

Waiting and wondering.

Walking by faith is frightening.

Please continue to pray. Now is the real test.

Luke 18:1

“Then Jesus told them a parable to show them they should always pray and not lose heart” (NET).

Hebrews 11:6

“And without faith it is impossible to please God,

Because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists

And that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.”

.

A Nice Break

4/3/2007

The last four weeks have been fantastic. No chemo, no needles, and no trips to Houston. This was our longest break since September. Ann’s pep and energy is returning. Her eyebrows and eyelashes are growing and she even has a little fuzz on her head. The anti-depressant the doctor prescribed helped take the edge off of the darkness, hopelessness and grief.

We had two great weeks of Spring Break during this last month. The three younger kids were off first. Ann was able to have a date for a day with each of them individually. Then Paul came home for a week and we had a great time with him as well. We really enjoyed the simple things: telling our day’s “highs” and “lows” around the dinner table; watching the Dallas Mavericks win nine games in a row; pigging out on chips and salsa at On the Border; and laughing while playing a board game with some friends. Thank you for praying for our Spring Break.

Spring Break, March 2007

We returned to Houston last Wednesday for scans and an appointment with a “complementary care” doctor who talked with us about nutrition (including supplements), exercise, and stress management. He felt that all three items were critical in helping the fight with cancer.

Another Break

We met with the oncologist on Friday to review the results of the scans. She excitedly told us the good news, that the cancer had remained stable over the four week vacation from chemo treatments. It had not grown at all. In fact she said the lesions on Ann’s liver “kind of looked dead.” These were by far the most optimistic words that we have heard from her. We are a long way from shore, but we are incredibly grateful for where we are. Thank you for praying for our break from chemo.

The plan now is to take a six week break before returning to Houston for more tests and a visit with the oncologist just before Mother’s Day. Please pray that another break from chemo will follow this one. We truly believe that Ann is where she is because of prayer.

Prayer Requests

-                    That God will fill us with his peace as we trust him during these next six weeks.

-                    That God would give Ann another break from chemo for Mother’s Day.

-                    That God would heal Ann so that her grandkids can know her love, character, and faith.

.

A Bear and a Lion

5/5/2007

The last five weeks have seemed fairly normal and that is great. Cancer is still a big part of our lives, but it hasn’t been as oppressively big as it was over the last nine months.

Ann and I went to the Dallas Arboretum last Friday, something we had wanted to do for about a year and a half. We enjoyed marveling at God’s creative beauty and just hanging out. We talked about prayer and faith, suffering and healing. We talked about daily life and the kids, work and the future. We hadn’t had a “normal” afternoon together—one that didn’t include chemo or a doctor—in a long time. We even topped off our big afternoon with a visit to Sam’s Club.

We head back to Houston this Wednesday (5/9) for tests and will meet with the oncologist on Friday (5/11). We are both cautiously optimistic that the cancer will still be stable and that the break from chemo will continue.

What is the basis for our confidence? God has delivered us in the past, especially in response to heart-felt and persistent prayer. George Guthrie, in his commentary on the book of Hebrews writes,

“Yet in the biblical literature, faith suggests a firm trust placed in God, who has shown himself faithful in his dealings with his people.”[43]

Here is our Big XII list:

12.               His provision of financial support for six years while Ann served with Campus Crusade for Christ.

11.               His provision of financial support for Howard’s summer mission project in Japan.

10.               His gift of a husband for Ann by her 28th birthday. (I may not be God’s gift to women, but I am his gift to Ann.)

9.               His gift of Hannah (see 1 Samuel 1-2) and Matt (“gift of God”) after three miscarriages.

8.               Moving to Perry, Iowa, to be involved with the youth group of our church.

7.               Moving to Texas to attend Dallas Theological Seminary.

6.               Sustaining our family when I was unemployed and underemployed for nine months following 9/11. (Ann and I were without health insurance for about a year.)

5.               Sustaining our family and keeping us intact after eight and a half years of seminary.

4.               Allowing my heart attack to occur after graduation but prior to Ann’s diagnosis of cancer.

3.               Motivating a friend of a friend (now our hosts in Houston) to rattle folks at M.D. Anderson to move our initial appointment up nineteen days.

2.               Sustaining Ann through eight rounds of aggressive chemotherapy.

1.               Sustaining our faith and hope through this last year.

1 Samuel 17:34-37

“Your servant has been keeping his father’s sheep.

When a lion or a bear came and carried off a sheep from the flock, I went after it, struck it and rescued the sheep from its mouth.

When it turned on me, I seized it by its hair, struck it and killed it.

Your servant has killed both the lion and the bear;

This uncircumcised Philistine will be like one of them, because he has defied the armies of the living God.

The LORDwho delivered me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine.”

Prayer Requests

-                    That God will fill us with his peace (Isaiah 26:3) as we wait for the test results next Friday.

-                    That God would give Ann another break from chemo for Mother’s Day.

-                    That God would heal Ann so that her grandkids can know her love, character, and faith.

Thank you for your continued prayers. We really wouldn’t be here today without the prayers of our family and friends.

.

The Answer is “No”

5/12/2007

We met our oncologist yesterday noon in Houston. Unfortunately, the news was not as good as we had hoped. The cancer had started to grow again in Ann’s liver. The existing lesions had increased in size. Numerous new lesions also appeared in her liver.

This news is completely disheartening and overwhelming, but not unexpected. Chemo doesn’t kill angiosarcoma. In fact the doctor was encouraged that Ann’s break was as long as it was. She was also encouraged that the cancer had not spread to other organs and that the tumors in her bones remained unchanged. Things could have been much worse.

___________________________

I have no guarantee that God

will choose to heal Ann,

but I know he wants me

to pray to that end.

___________________________

We will meet with an oncologist in Dallas on Tuesday and hope to start chemo on Monday, May 21st. This new regimen will consist of a three week cycle administered in Dallas. The first Monday will be one type of chemo, the second Monday two types, and the third will just consist of blood work. After two cycles we return to Houston for tests to see if it is working, if it is keeping the cancer at bay. There is no limit set for the number of cycles for this regimen.

No Break

We specifically prayed that God would give Ann another break for Mother’s Day. He said no.

-                    Does this mean that God doesn’t answer prayer? No.

-                    Does this mean that God has abandoned us? No.

-                    Does this mean that God won’t answer our cry for healing? No.

-                    Does this mean we should quit praying? No.

Ten years ago in April Ann and I took a random business trip to Dallas. By the end of July we had migrated here to attend Dallas Theological Seminary. We never had a guarantee that we would make it, but we knew that God wanted us to try. It was rather foolish—with a wife and four kids—to sell our house in Iowa, buy a house in Dallas, quit my job in Des Moines, move to Dallas, and receive a job offer in Oklahoma on the way down. Yet, God honored our foolishness for his sake and made it all work. I graduated a year ago today.

I have no guarantee that God will choose to heal Ann, but I know he wants me to. It’s rather foolish to believe that God will heal incurable cancer; he doesn’t do that anymore. Prayerfully, he will honor our foolishness.

Prayer Promises

-                    “Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up” (Luke 18:1).

-                    “If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you” (John 15:7 NASB).

-                    “Is anyone among you ill? He should summon the elders of the church, and they should pray for him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick and the Lord will raise him up” (James 5:14-15a NET).

Prayer Requests

-                    That a spot will open up in Dallas for Ann to start treatments on the 21st. Currently, they are booked.

-                    That God will strengthen Ann’s heart, mind, and body to face chemo after such a nice break. She’s having a tough time.

-                    That God will heal Ann in his time and in his way so that our grandkids can know Ann’s faith and love. This remains our ultimate prayer.

.

What a Week

5/23/2007

It was a great birthday week. Ann’s mom arrived on the 8th to stay with the kids while we were in Houston. My mom came down on the 15th to help celebrate Ann’s significant birthday on the 17th. Diane, our friend from Australia and my former co-worker, also flew in for a few days on her way back to Iowa. Ann’s brother and sister-in-law surprised her with a quick visit for the weekend. We capped the celebratory week with a surprise party Sunday evening beautifully executed by Laurie and Joan. Our moms and Diane left on Monday. All the emails and calls, cards and gifts were a great encouragement to Ann. Thanks to everyone for making it a memorable week.

It was also a tough week. Fear and grief peppered the festivities. Staring at an indefinite new regimen of chemo was overwhelming at times. Ann starts tomorrow afternoon with one type of chemo and will receive two types next Thursday. The cycle repeats every 21 days. We return to Houston every two cycles to see if the chemo is effective at keeping Ann afloat. Staring into an uncertain future makes faith and hope elusive.

____________________________

I needed to decide if I would

still worship God

if he allowed Matt to lose his eye.

____________________________

The week also had a scary test. On the way home from Houston on the 11th, we received a call from Ann’s mom reporting that Matt had whacked his eye with a rubber band bracelet at school. Lois and Paul took Matt to the family doctor and we arrived back in Dallas in time to meet them there. After a brief examination the doctor sternly told me to immediately take Matt to the emergency room to see an ophthalmologist. His iris was half full of blood.

The thirty-minute drive to the hospital was a tough two-fold test. First, I needed to stay calm because Matt wasn’t. Second, I needed to decide if I would still worship God if he allowed Matt to lose his eye, especially since we had just learned that Ann’s cancer was growing again. I decided that I would and God decided that he wouldn’t.

Hebrews 12:7, 10-11

“Endure your suffering as discipline; God is treating you as sons.

For what son is there that a father does not discipline?

For they disciplined us for a little while as seemed good to them,

but he does so for our benefit, that we may share his holiness.

Now all discipline seems painful at the time, not joyful.

But later it produces the fruit of peace and righteousness

for those trained by it” (NET).

Even though we haven’t responded to many emails of late, we greatly appreciate your notes, whether long or short.

.

A Look Back

6/2/2007

Ann has handled the first two doses of Round Onerelatively well. The pattern seems to be that she feels pretty good on Thursday and Friday after the chemo treatment, but gets tired and achy on Saturday and Sunday. Fortunately, she has not been nauseous yet. It has certainly been easier being in Dallas, rather than Houston, for the chemo treatments. It’s also helpful that the treatments are just once per week for a few hours and that they only occur two weeks out of every three.

We are planning a quick trip up to Missouri and Iowa this coming week. We will leave after Ann’s doctor’s appointment on Wednesday and return home in time for Round Two, which begins on Thursday, June 14th. A highlight will be visiting our church back in Perry on Sunday, where I will have the privilege of sharing lessons learned from this last year.

For a change of pace I thought I’d give Ann a chance to share her heart. Here are a few entries from her journal:

May 20th

My heart is so heavy this morning.

It has been the last few weeks.

My heart is still aching.

I have the fear of the unknown...

Psalm 68:19 “Blessed be the LORD, who daily bears our burden” (NASB).

Thank you Lord that you know my hurt, my pain.

You understand and you are there.

There is no guarantee that I will... but Lord you are still here for me.

You are my Father.

May 21st

All these emotions and fears bottled up inside me.

Not sure how I should deal with them.

Know in my head and in my heart what is true...

Know he loves me.

Know he is good, but the pain, the fear, the hurt is still there.

Feel like I should read verses and be comforted. But it doesn’t happen.

May 27th

“Those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good” (1 Peter 4:19).

To you, Creator God, I entrust my hurting heart and soul.

Today I choose to put my trust in you for the future.

Bear my burden today. Be my strength.

May 29th

A walk of faith—that is what God has called me to.

To focus on him, to see who he is.

He knows my hurts; he knows my pain.

He knows my fears of the future.

I can pour out those fears; I can cry my tears.

He understands. He is a God of compassion and mercy.

If we know God, we do not need to know why he allows us to experience what we do.

Thank you Lord that I know you and that for today I can trust and believe you—that the future is in your hands.

Lesson Learned

Ann felt good enough over Memorial Day weekend to spend numerous hours in the garage helping me sift through the accumulated clutter in order to toss it, give it away, or put it back on the shelves. Ann took some time to browse through several of her old journals. The four entries recorded above were written fifteen years ago, the year that we had three miscarriages.[44] The “fear of the unknown,” the “no guarantee,” and the “fears of the future” all related to the question, “Will we ever be able to have another baby?” (This was after Paul and Drew were born, but before Hannah and Matt.)

________________________

Because she learned

to trust God

in uncertainty fifteen years ago,

she is able to trust God

with an even more

difficult situation now.

_________________________

The feelings recorded in those journal entries were so parallel to her current ones that she was forced to ask, “Did I not learn the lesson the first time? Is that why God allowed me to get incurable cancer?” I concluded the opposite. I believe that because she learned to trust God in the midst of pain and uncertainty fifteen years ago, she is able to trust God with an even more difficult situation. She learned that he was faithful then. He will be faithful now, even when there is no guarantee.

Lamentations 3:21b-23

“This I recall to my mind,

Therefore I have hope.

The LORD’Slovingkindnesses indeed never cease,

For His compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

Great is Your faithfulness” (NASB, emphasis and capitalization mine).

Prayer Requests

-                    That Ann’s blood counts would remain strong so that she can receive clearance to travel back to Missouri and Iowa.

-                    That God would strengthen Ann emotionally for her return home. Pete is in heaven and won’t be in his chair.

-                    That Paul and Drew will be wise and safe while we are gone. We can’t afford any more pain.

-                    That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that our grandkids can know her love and faith.

.

Endurance is Overrated

6/27/2007

We had a very encouraging trip back to the Midwest. Thanks to all for praying. It was nice to see corn fields instead of parking lots, real trees instead of power lines, and grain elevators instead of office buildings.

In Missouri we saw family and friends on Thursday evening and enjoyed the Yarnell family reunion (Ann’s dad’s side) on Friday and Saturday. A couple of trips to her dad’s grave, though hard, were a necessary part of the grieving process.

In Iowa the elders of the church publicly prayed for Ann’s complete healing. I spoke on Hebrews 12:1-2 and hopefully encouraged many to persevere in their own struggles, to run their race with endurance. We spent some good time with old friends and young aunts. Most importantly, we found time to indulge at the Machine Shed and Hickory Park.

We were greatly encouraged by the love, faith and concern shown by all of our family and friends. Two items are worth a special note:

-                    Her cousin Steve told Ann that he has prayed more for her than he has anyone in his life. We hate cancer, but we are thankful that God is using it to draw people to prayer.

-                    We had an honest discussion with Pastor Charles about healing and suffering. I respect his integrity with the Scriptures and his understanding of the realities of life. We took heart when he counseled us to keep on praying and trusting Jesus Christ for healing.

How Long?

The return to Dallas was rather discouraging. Back to traffic. Back to the daily grind. Back to chemo. Round Twoof this regimen was several degrees of difficulty greater than Round One. Physically, Ann felt like she was hit by a truck for about the last five days. It could have been a lot worse, but it still wasn’t much fun. Emotionally, we both ran into a wall. It’s tough for Ann to remain hopeful when she feels cruddy. I think I’m just out of gas. I know it should be expected, but it’s frustrating nonetheless. Quite frankly we are both tired of the race we have been asked to run. I take comfort knowing that the psalmists and the prophets often asked, “How long, O Lord?”

__________________________

Quite frankly we are both

tired of the race

we have been asked to run.

___________________________

We head to Houston in the morning for another round of tests. We meet with the oncologist Friday morning to find out if the new chemo regimen is working.

Prayer Requests

-                    That the test results would show that the cancer has stopped growing, that it is once again “stable.”

-                    That we would find his strength in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9) so that we can keep running this race.

-                    That patience and forgiveness would characterize our relationships (parents to children and children to parents) rather than anger and arguing.

-                    That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that our grandchildren can know her love and faith.

Hebrews 12:1-2

“Therefore,

since we have such great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us,

and by throwing off every impediment and the sin that entangles us,

Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,

by keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus,

the founder and perfecter of the faith,

who on account of the joy set before him,

endured the cross,

thinking nothing of the shame,

and he has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God”

(translation and emphasis mine).

.

Why Keep Asking?

6/30/2007

We received relatively good news from the oncologist yesterday morning. The cancer in Ann’s bones is still “stable” (unchanged). It hasn’t grown since chemo started in September. However, the tumors in her liver did show “progression” (growth) since the last scans seven weeks ago. The doctor was not alarmed because it often takes some time for the chemo to halt the momentum of the cancer. The brakeshave been applied, but the car hasn’t come to a complete stop yet. She is confident that we should continue with this regimen of chemo because the cancer responded to it. Hopefully our next scans will show that the tumors have stopped growing or perhaps have even begun to shrink.

God didn’t answer our specific prayer for “stable.” He did give us what we absolutely needed—chemo that effectively attacked the cancer. We would have been devastated at this point had the cancer been un-responsive to this new chemo regimen.

Ann was also encouraged to learn that the “hit by a truck” feeling was a common side effect of the chemo that she receives on Day Eight of each cycle. Knowing this will enable us to manage expectations and schedules, and it should help to keep Ann’s mind from wandering into unnecessary places.

As we were leaving the hospital to return to Dallas, Ann remarked that she was at peace with the news and hopeful. I tried to mask my surprise when we got in the car and didn’t ask for elaboration. After making a number of calls to update family and friends, I learned the source of her unexpected response. Several had specifically prayed for Ann to have peace and hope after yesterday’s appointment. I’m sure many others did as well. Thank you.

Facing Death

I went to a funeral on Monday for the husband of a co-worker who died in a boating accident. He was 43 years old, loved his family, and was active in his church. He left behind his wife and three daughters, of whom the youngest seemed to be about six. His death was a major source of my discouragement over the last few weeks for two reasons.

First, I was again slammed with the reality that we live in a fallen world. No one is exempt from tragedy. Death comes to us all; sometimes without notice. Authors or preachers who claim that God always heals or always answers prayers fail to account for this reality and neglect scriptures on suffering. As I work to rethink my theology of healing, I am forced to review my theology of suffering as well. The two exist in tension.

Second, I was haunted by the question, “What right do I have to ask for Ann’s deliverance?” This new widow didn’t even have a chance to ask. Others have suffered and died from cancer, why should Ann be any different? On the one hand I have no basis. Our reasons for asking for healing are no more worthy than anyone else’s. On the other hand I am God’s child by grace and my Father graciously encourages me to ask. The scriptures below are a sampling of the reasons that I will continue to ask.

Keep on Asking

-                    “Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord.  And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up” (James 5:14-15).

-                    “If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you” (John 15:7).

-                    Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need (Hebrews 4:16).

-                    “This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him” (1 John 5:14-15).

-                    “Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up” (Luke 18:1).

Prayer Requests

-                  That the test results at the end of August would show that the cancer has

stopped growing, that it is once again “stable.”

-                  That we would find his strength in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9) so that we can keep running this race.

-                  That patience and forgiveness would characterize our relationships (parents to children and children to parents) rather than anger and arguing.

-                  That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that our          grandchildren can know her love and faith.

.

.

James and Peter

7/12/2007

I’m sitting here with Ann in the Infusion Center at Baylor Hospital as she receives another dose of “medicine.” It’s the eighth day of Round Three, which means that she gets the Taxotere (with the “hit by a Mack truck” side effect) in addition to the regular Gemcitamine. The immediate goal is to survive these effects for the next four or five days. A bit of a break follows as Round Four won’t start until August 7th, when we return from Colorado.

Ann reported that she seems to have moved past the legitimate question, “What if there is no God?” She has become settled in her confidence that God exists. This battle with cancer has tested and confirmed the validity of her faith. Reading the Bible together each night has certainly been a factor. One question answered; only a thousand to go.

Two of the questions that have plagued us from the beginning are:

Why us?

Why did Ann get incurable cancer? Here are some of our current thoughts:

-                    Physically, there is no known cause for angiosarcoma of the spleen.

-                    Theologically, we live in a fallen world. Disease and death are a consequence of man’s rebellion against his Creator.

-                    Spiritually, the cancer could have been caused by her sin or mine. However, we have confessed and repented of all known sin, and then some. None of our mentors or close friends has confronted us with blind spots. Thus, we humbly and tentatively conclude that our sin was not the cause.

-                    Practically, our response is more important than the cause. We know that we are to learn his Word (Psalm 119:71) and to reflect his holiness (Hebrews 12:10).

-                    Ultimately, we just don’t know why Ann has cancer.

Why not them?

If God still heals in our day, why hasn’t he healed more often?

-                    Why didn’t he heal my Grandma Hill who died of cancer when I was six or my Grandma Joslin who died of cancer before I was born?

-                    Why hasn’t he yet healed family members and friends who are struggling with difficult illnesses like multiple sclerosis?

-                    Why didn’t he deliver the three families who lost sons in their twenties to cancer, war, and an accident?

-                    Ultimately, we don’t know the answer to this question either.

James and Peter

The story of James and Peter recorded in Acts 12:1-19 provides helpful perspective to these two questions. Herod began persecuting Christians by executing James. He then arrested Peter with a similar malicious intent. However, God intervened and miraculously delivered Peter. Why?

-                    It wasn’t because Peter was more righteous than James. Peter was a bit rough around the edges.

-                    It wasn’t because of Peter’s faith. He didn’t even know that he was really being delivered until he was well outside the prison (12:9).

-                    It wasn’t because of the faith of the prayer warriors. The group thought Rhoda was out of her mind when she exclaimed, “Peter is at the door!” (12:14)

-                    Ultimately, we don’t know why God chose to deliver Peter from death and James through death. The text doesn’t say. By faith we know that, somehow, in his wisdom and love God purposed it this way.

-                    Ultimately, if Ann is physically healed from this cancer, it will be because of God’s grace and plan.

____________________________

We don’t know why God

chose to deliver Peter from death

and James through death.

The text doesn’t say.

____________________________

Hebrews 11:35b-39

“Others were tortured and refused to be released, so that they might gain a better resurrection.

Some faced jeers and flogging, while still others were chained and put in prison.They were stoned; they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword.

They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated—the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, and in caves and holes in the ground.

These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised” (emphasis mine).

Prayer Requests

-                    That the “Mack truck” would be a bit kinder and gentler this round.

-                    That the chemo would kill the tumors in Ann’s liver and that the liver itself would return to its normal size.

-                    That we can persevere in our hope for healing by trusting in God’s character and his Word.

-                    That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that our grandkids will know her faith and love.

.

Can We Trust His Word?

7/18/2007

Thanks for praying for us this last week. The “Mack truck” didn’t hit her this time. It was only a Ford F150. And it didn’t even back up and hit her again and again. We are grateful that this round was significantly less difficult than Round Two. Perhaps it’s a coincidence. Perhaps God answered our prayers.

We are also grateful that Ann won’t have any chemo until August 7th. She’s taking a bit of break so that we can make our annual trek to Estes Park, Colorado. We are looking forward to some quality family time and being awestruck by the majesty of God.

I’ve tried to be honest with our struggles and doubts in previous emails with the hope that others might be encouraged in their own battles. I will continue that modus operandi today, even at the risk of sounding heretical.

Back in college at Iowa State, when I was active in evangelism, I often communicated the good news of Jesus Christ to fraternity brothers, classmates and others. If a person decided that they wanted to place their faith in Christ for the forgiveness of his/her sins, then I would help them communicate that decision to God through prayer.

If the person seemed genuine I would read 1 John 5:13, which promises, “I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life” (emphasis mine). I would then state, “It doesn’t say, ‘Think, maybe, hope, wish, possibly there’s a chance.’” I would confidently assure him, on the basis of God’s Word, that he now possessed eternal life, if he truly trusted in Jesus Christ.

Promises?

Given our present circumstances we’ve been forced to reexamine our assumptions about the Bible. Though Ann has moved past the “What if God doesn’t exist?” question, she is now wrestling with “What if the Bible isn’t true?” I spent too much time, money, and energy during my eight and a halfyears of seminary to go there. My question is, “What if God doesn’t keep his promises?”

The two verses that follow in 1 John contain a second promise:

“And this is the confidence that we have before him: that whenever we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in regard to whatever we ask, then we know that we have the requests that we have asked from him” (NET, emphasis mine).

I confidently encouraged classmates to trust in the first promise. Can I really depend on this second one? Can I honestly encourage Ann to rely on it? Should I encourage the kids to bank on it? If the second promise isn’t really reliable, is the first one? Either both promises are true or neither is.

____________________

What if God doesn’t

keep his promises?

____________________

I believe that the following verses are indisputable, rock-solid promises for believers today (emphasis mine):

-                    “Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me” (John 15:4).

-                    “For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them” (Matthew 18:20).

-                    “For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us”(Psalm 103:11-12).

If I believe that God keeps those three promises, why do I struggle with the next three? They are recorded in the same passages (emphasis mine).

-                    “If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you” (John 15:7).

-                    “Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven” (Matthew 18:19).

-                    “Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits—who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases” (Psalm 103:2-3).

Perhaps they’re not really promises. Perhaps they don’t mean what they seem to say. Perhaps they just don’t apply to us today.

Can I really take God at his word?

__________________

Can I really take

God at his word?

___________________

Prayer Requests

-                    That we would leave our tension in Texas while we enjoy a week in RockyMountainNational Park (leaving 7/27).

-                    That Ann would have the physical strength to hike to Dream Lake, where we always take our family picture.

-                    That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that our grandkids will know her love and faith.

.

I Surrender (Again),

but I’ll Never Quit

I was never more discouraged in our battle with cancer, than when I received emails from two well-intentioned pastors, who must have felt compelled to respond to my dangerous questions in the previous vignette. I still remember sitting at Panera’s on a Saturday morning, weeping as I digested their comebacks. I called Ann and told her about the emails, so she joined me at Panera’s. We read them together in my brokenness.

The first pastor unsatisfactorily explained away the tension of the verses. Perhaps he was technically correct. Perhaps he felt obligated to defend God’s Word, or even God’s reputation. Certainly he meant well and hoped to encourage me. However, his textbook answers failed to give justice to the tensions inherent in these texts. His theological tidiness robbed me of hope.His corrective tone ignored the intense pain in our lives.

The second pastor inadvertently slugged me in the gut by encouraging me to surrender to God’s will. I found this particularly offensive, because Christ’s lordship has never been an issue for me. Now, I’m certainly no saint, as my family and close friends can testify. The crud in my heart causes me shame and I’ve often been distracted from Kingdom work by the worries of this world.[45] But, I can honestly say that Christ’s lordship over my life has never been an issue. Ever.

Surrendering

I found his encouragement intensely painful, because I had already surrendered. When we first learned of her cancer a year earlier, I was absolutely crushed with the likelihood of her death. I wept all the way to work each morning; I cried and screamed as I swam in the evenings. But, I accepted his incomprehensible will and his indisputable right to take away.[46] I had surrendered. Completely.

______________________

I completely accepted

his incomprehensible

will and his indisputable

right to take away.

______________________

Yet, in my brokenness that Saturday morning, and on several future occasions, I chose to again surrender to my King. I repeatedly and honestly prayed Jesus’ words from the Garden of Gethsemane, “Yet not My will, but Yours be done” (Luke 22:42, NASB).”

Following

I found his admonition completely exasperating, because it was God who had invited me to trust him for Ann’s healing. My initial response to cancer had been to hopelessly assume that she would die. I wouldn’t pray for her healing, even though she repeatedly pleaded with me for that prayer. Ironically, I had presented Ann the same type of reasons that the first pastor had offered me.

Yet, it was her questions that forced me to reexamine the scriptures and reevaluate my theology. At first I was simply seeking permission—from the Bible and from friends—to pray for her physical healing. Eventually my studies absolutely convinced me that God was inviting me to pray for Ann’s physical healing. In fact, not just to pray, but to trust him to completely remove all cancer from her body. I am more convinced of this leading than I am of any direction or decision in the more than thirty years that I’ve served my Lord and King.[47] By a factor of one hundred.

Quitting

Most of all, I found his counsel utterly disheartening, because “surrendering” sounds an awful lot like “accepting my circumstances.” And that sounds a lot like quitting. Everything about cancer—ineffective chemotherapy and growing tumors, fatigue and pain, trips to Houston and the separation from our kids, news of new sufferers and fatalities of valiant warriors—everything screams, “It hopeless! God won’t heal. Quit praying!”

_____________________________

Everything about cancer screams,

“It’s hopeless! God won’t heal.

Quit Praying!”

_____________________________

Yet, God was gently whispering through my studies, “There is always hope! I do answer ‘Yes!’ Never quit praying!” And if this was truly God whispering his invitation, how could I ever passively surrender to my circumstances? What if God wanted to extend Ann’s life through my prayers? What if he wanted to demonstrate the efficacy of prayer to many? I would rather “err on the side of belief.”[48] So, in my brokenness that Saturday, and a hundred future times, I steeled my resolve to never quit praying for Ann’s healing. Ever.

.

The Image I Worship

7/23/2007

Ann continues to rebound from Round 3. Her energy is improving, which helps her emotions some days. Her liver area usually hurts, not excruciatingly, but it’s not comfortable. Is the cancer destroying her liver or is the chemo killing the cancer? We find that “waiting forthe LORD” (Psalm 27:14) and “being anxious for nothing” (Philippians 4:6-7) is not as easy as it sounds.

We are now focusing on preparing for our annual trek to Rocky Mountain National Park; we leave on Friday, July 27th. Hiking to a lake or peak is always a reminder of the greatness, majesty and power of God. The enormity and the ruggedness of the mountains—above or below—often overwhelms us. Sometimes it frightens us.

I sometimes fear that the image of God that I worship has been too small. If I truly believed the stories in the Bible, wouldn’t I be overwhelmed and sometimes frightened by God the Father (Exodus 19:10-25)? By the Lord Jesus Christ (Revelation 19:11-21)? By the Holy Spirit (Acts 5:1-11)?

Could the God who raised the 14,259-foot Longs Peak really raise Ann from incurable cancer? Is my image of God big enough to believe that he would?

Hebrews 11:17-19

“By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice.

He who had received the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, even though God had said to him,

‘It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned.’

Abraham reasoned that God could raise the dead, and figuratively speaking, he did receive Isaac back from death” (emphasis mine).

Prayer Requests

-                    That God would use my sermon in our church in Dallas (www.nhbc.net) to encourage those who are struggling to persevere.

-                    That God would overwhelm us with his greatness and power, his ruggedness and holiness, his compassion and intimacy, as we worship him while hiking.

-                    That God would enable Ann to make it to Dream Lake, where we always take a family picture.

-                    That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that we can worship him with our grandkids someday on the rocky shores of Dream Lake.

.

My Rock

8/8/2007

Yesterday afternoon we returned from a great trip to Colorado. It was refreshing to be away from the city and the heat, from our responsibilities and our reality. The majesty of the mountains, the roaring of the streams, the splendor of the wildlife, and the delicacy of the flora all served as reminders of God’s glory and diversions from Evil’s cancer. Ann used the word “surreal” several times.

The attached picture is of our family at Dream Lake. Ann and I made this hike together on our honeymoon twenty-two years ago. We hiked it again on our tenth anniversary when we were contemplating attending Denver Seminary. Now we have hiked it five times with our four kids. We are praying that God will graciously privilege us with making this hike with all of our grandchildren. To do so will truly be proof that God still heals today.

Ann felt great most of the time we were in Colorado. She not only hiked to Dream Lake, she also made several other hikes with us. In total she trekked about fifteen miles. Not bad for a woman who gets tired walking across Wal-Mart’s parking lot. Thanks for praying for her endurance. As Ann pressed along the trail, she sang a song she used to sing with our kids:

“My God is so big, so strong and so mighty.

There’s nothing my God cannot do.”

By faith we made reservations for next summer. By grace Ann will teach this song to our grandchildren as she hikes with them in Rocky Mountain National Park.

Ann started Round Four of her current chemo regimen this morning.

Psalm 18:1-2

“I love you, O LORD, my strength.

The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer.

My God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.

He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”

Prayer Requests

-                    That we could celebrate our anniversary in hope and not fear.

-                    That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that we can worship him with our all of grandkids someday at Dream Lake.

Dream Lake, 2007

.

Not by Might

8/19/2007

We celebrated twenty-two years of marriage this weekend. We kind of had a getaway without having to leave home. Matt and Hannah have been with my sister’s family in Indiana for the week. Drew was busy with the youth group and work. Paul returned to John Brown University in Arkansas Saturday morning. It was great for Ann and me to just hang out together for the weekend. Cancer can make you appreciate what you do have.

Last year we were engulfed in uncertainty on our anniversary. We had received our diagnosis from the doctors in Dallas, but hadn’t had our first appointment at MD Anderson in Houston. We didn’t know what chemo regimen we would face; we didn’t know what the chemo would do to Ann’s body; we didn’t know if the chemo would even be effective against the cancer. I hadn’t sent out my first email update; I didn’t even know if it was okayfor me to pray for Ann’s physical healing. We didn’t know how far the cancer had spread; we didn’t even know if Ann would make it to our twenty-second anniversary.

Thank you for carrying us in prayer this last year. I believe that we had the physical and emotional strength to endure because of prayer. I believe that we were able to ask tough questions without chucking our faith because of prayer. I believe that the chemo effectively held the cancer in check because of prayer; I believe that Ann’s body held up against the toxicity of the chemo because of prayer. I believe that Ann is alive today because of prayer.

Thank you and praise God.

Just Quit

Dave and Joan came over last Saturday evening to pray for my sermon. Jim and Laurie sent a text message saying that they were praying. Alan prayed with me before the service. Many of you prayed. It’s not that I was nervous. I had taught a form of this message two other times. I had adequately prepared. I would be preaching to our home church. I would be cheered on by many of the families in our home Bible study group.

I just didn’t know if I’d have the composure to make it through the message. I broke down numerous times Saturday morning while at Panera Bread putting the finishing touches on my manuscript. I wept several times early Sunday morning as I ran through my delivery. I cried as Alan and the worship team led the congregation in many of the songs that had ministered to us over the last year. Sometimes I found myself grasping for breath in order to hold back the sobbing.

I wondered how in the world I would get through the sermon. As the congregation sang I thought to myself, “Maybe I won’t make it. The grief may become so great that I won’t have the composure to continue. If so, I could just quit. Everyone would understand…”

I was then hit by the irony of my thinking. You see, my sermon’s big idea was to “Keep the Christian Faith. Never quit!”

Pastor Rick sensed my predicament and the Holy Spirit, so just before I went up to preach he put his arm around my shoulder and prayed that God would speak his word through me. As I walked to the podium I knew that God would answer his prayer.

I never lost my composure during the sermon, though I did get choked up numerous times. Surprisingly, I was able to finish each sentence. This was the first time in my ministry that I was more pleased with my verbal delivery than with my written notes.

I had gone for a walk that morning to pray for my sermon. The heart of my prayer was that I just wanted the Lord to be pleased with what I said, even if I looked like a fool while saying it. Pastor Rick closed the service in prayer with the words, “Lord, we know you were pleased this morning.” I knew then that God had answered my prayer.

Zechariah 4:6

“‘Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’

says the LORDAlmighty.”

Prayer Requests

-                    That Ann can maintain hope in spite of bad news. Ann cratered emotionally today when we learned that another friend has cancer.

-                    That the logistics would fall in place so that I can attend my grandmother’s funeral in Iowa this week (perhaps on Wednesday).

-                    That the scans (Thursday) and the doctor’s appointment (Friday) would confirm that the chemo is killing the tumors.

-                    That God would heal Ann in his time and way so that we can worship him with our grandkids someday in Rocky Mountain National Park.

.

Eating My Words

8/25/2007

Dr. Lockhart was her typical upbeat self when she walked into the examination room yesterday. She exclaimed, “It looks like you are doing well!” The scans showed that the cancer had basically remained “stable” since the tests eight weeks ago. Ann’s lungs are still cancer free and the blood tests show that her liver is still functioning normally. The doctor was also excited to hear that Ann had been able to hike fifteen miles while in Colorado and that she has experienced minimal side effects from the chemo. Apparently, this regimen will wipe some people out so badly that they have to lie in bed for days.

Dr. Lockhart’s challenge is to balance two competing priorities: to minimize or stop the growth of the cancer and to enable Ann to have an adequate “quality of life.” (We both hate that term.) Ann’s last regimen was limited to eight rounds because of its toxicity, so I asked if there was a limit to this regimen. The doctor reported that she has a patient who had just completed Round 57. As long as the cancer remains stable and Ann continues to do well, it looks like she will continue this regimen—until God physically heals.

Ann has been receiving chemo treatments for almost a year and it has become a bittersweet part of our routine. Thank you for carrying us through prayer this last year. Ann starts Round 5 on Tuesday.

Humbled

During seminary I often visited a couple of Half Price Books stores with my friend, Hector, in order to find good deals on commentaries and other biblical reference books. I distinctly remember having this arrogant thought on one of our shopping sprees, “I don’t need any of the ‘popular’ Christian books. I get all I need for daily life from studying the Bible with some good commentaries.” I usually didn’t even bother to go to the ‘Christian Living’ section of the store, but just camped in the reference section.

In a previous email I voiced a troubling question, “What if God doesn’t really keep his promises?” If you can guess the biblical scholar (before reading the rest of the email) whose careful arguments convinced me that I could trust God’s Word, I will wire you $1,000.

I was bored one afternoon last month while shopping with Ann, so I went outside to wait patiently for her in the car. I noticed a small book next to Ann’s seat, one that was given to her by our friend, Roger, while we were back in Iowa. I began to scan the first chapter.

The author related the time that her children asked her, “Mommy, is there anything God can’t do?” She thought a bit and then replied, “He can’t break his promises.”[49] After they ran off to resume play, she pondered the implication of what she had just said. She writes,

“If God cannot break his promises, then we know that we can stake our lives and afterlives on them…I can depend on the God of all Creation to do what he says he’s going to do. To do otherwise would be to violate his own person. His promises are guaranteed by the same power that keeps the sun in its place and the planets spinning in their orbits.”[50]

The book was Gentle Grace and the author was Kathy Lee Gifford. The Holy Spirit used the former star of Regis and Kathy Lee to force me to eat my words and to convince me to trust his again.

Trusting His Word

-                    “It is impossible for God to lie” (Hebrews 6:18).

-                    “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful” (Hebrews. 10:23).

-                    “Not one of all the LORD’S good promises to the house of Israel failed; everyone was fulfilled” (Joshua. 21:45).

-                    “For truly I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not the smallest letter or stroke shall pass from the Law until all is accomplished” (Matthew 5:18 NASB).

-                    “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock” (Matthew 7:24).

Prayer Requests

-                    That patience and forgiveness would characterize our family’s relationships, rather than anger and arguing.

-                    That the “Mack truck” side effect would swerve past Ann again.

-                    That Ann would continue to tolerate the chemo and that the chemo would continue to hold the cancer in check.

-                    That God would physically heal Ann in his time and way so that our grandkids will know her love and faith.

.

Can We Trust God?

9/3/2007

Ann’s blood counts were down when we met with our oncologist in Houston on August 24th. She expected Round Five to be delayed for at least a few days so that Ann’s body could adequately rebound from the previous treatment.

We met with the monitoring hematologist here in Dallas four days later. He informed us that Ann’s counts were completely normal. He then quizzed Ann about various side effects. After he learned that Ann hadn’t had any fevers, chills, or nausea, he exclaimed, “Well, boring is good.”

We continue to be amazed at how God has protected and sustained Ann through a year of chemo. Ann’s first treatment began last year on September 7th.

Questions

We have wrestled with a number of doubts about God since Ann was diagnosed with incurable cancer on July 28, 2006. Looking back it seems that one or both of us have progressed though these five questions:

-                    Why did God allow this? If God really has all power and knows the future, why didn’t he prevent the cancer from invading Ann’s spleen, liver and bones?

-                    What if there is no God? Does God really exist or did we create him to pacify us in difficult times?

-                    What good is prayer? Does prayer really make a difference? Why are so many prayers unanswered?

-                    What if God’s Word is not true? Can we trust promises for eternal life if we don’t experience promises for answered prayer or physical deliverance? Does God really keep his promises?

-                    Who is God? Is he really good? Can I trust him?

Answering one question often opened the door to the next. I’ve shared some thoughts on the first four questions in previous emails. I thought that I had dealt with the fifth one when I was laid off after 9/11. I questioned God’s goodness as I looked for work in a depressed economy and had to drop out of seminary. I remember being unable to sing worship choruses in church one Sunday morning because the words seemed so untrue. Eventually, however, I concluded that God was good in spite of my painful circumstances.

It seems that my conclusion was not as firm as I had once thought. By questioning if God really keeps his promises, I was really asking a more fundamental question, “Is God trustworthy?”

One Sunday evening near Houston, my friend, Bill, gently corrected me by confidently stating—on the basis of God’s character—that God would never deceive me. One morning next to the Big Thompson River in Estes Park, the Lord’s reprimand to Job reprimanded me:

“Brace yourself like a man.

I will question you, and you shall answer me.

Would you discredit my justice?

Would you condemn me to justify yourself?”

Like Job, all I could do was repent. To remind myself of God’s character I dusted off a seminary assignment entitled God is Mystery and reread it several times.[51]

Ann and I also found her old Bible study workbook Experiencing God’s Attributes[52] out in the garage, which she completed before we were married. We plan to work through this together over the coming months to remind us of who God is.

Prayer Requests

-                    That the “Mack truck” side effect would again pass Ann by this week.

-                    That we would find rest in the character of God as we study his attributes in the coming weeks.

-                    That God would physically heal Ann in his time and way so that our grandkids will know her love and faith.

-                    That God would demonstrate the reality of the resurrection from the dead by delivering Ann from the grip of death.

.

God is Mystery

This vignette is an assignment that I completed for a theology class in August 2004. I dusted it off in the midst of our battle and reviewed it numerous times as I struggled with God’s trustworthiness.

I believe that God is. The arrangement of the constellations, the continuity of the sunrise, the majesty of the mountains, the roar of the ocean waves, the uniqueness of each animal species, the complexity of a human cell, the creativity of man, the love of husband and wife, and the miracle of birth—all loudly declare that an intelligent being created it all. God has provided ample evidence that he exists. To draw another conclusion is inexcusable.

I believe that God is mystery. He is incomprehensible, inexplicable, inconceivable, unfathomable, profound, and perplexing. Anything less and he would cease to be God. As God, he shrouds himself in secrecy and his thoughts and deeds are beyond the capacity of my finite mind. Attempts to describe God will fall infinitely short of its intended mark.

Nevertheless, I believe that God is one who reveals himself to man. A mystery. Through the testimony of general revelation and especially the Bible, we can sufficiently, though not exhaustively, know of God.

I believe that God is the only true God. He is Elohim, the most high and powerful God. He is Adonai, my Lord and the Lord par excellence. He is YHWH, the God who is self-existent and enters into covenant with creation and Israel. He is the Most High God, God Almighty, the Lord of the Heavenly Armies, the Holy One, the Ancient of Days, the Judge of All the Earth, the Sovereign Lord, and the Almighty.

I believe that God is a personal being, who intimately relates to his creation. He is not an inanimate force; he is not a disinterested, uninvolved creator; he is not the cosmic force behind evolution. He is my Shepherd, my Rock, the One Who Will Provide, and the One Who Sees.

I believe that God is without need. God does not depend on anything; rather everything depends on Him. God lacks nothing in himself. Nevertheless, he chose to create the universe—not to fulfill a need, but as a loving, self-giving act. A mystery. He is perfectly complete without man; I am entirely empty without him. God is not bound by anything outside himself. He can freely do all that he desires.

I believe God is perfect. God’s perfect nature is the measure of all that is pure, correct, and good. God’s perfect nature does not change. God’s perfect nature is completely fulfilled within himself. His internal wellbeing is not affected by his creation or mankind. Nevertheless, he condescends, choosing to participate with us in relationship, in which he displays emotions consistent with His nature. A mystery.

I believe God is infinite. God is unlimited and without constraints, both in his nature and in what he can do. God is unlimited in knowledge, comprehensively knowing the past, present, and future. God is unlimited in power. God is not constrained by space. He is absolutely distinct and separate from creation. God is not everything, nor is everything God. Nevertheless, he is present everywhere within creation, yet not confused with it. A mystery. God is not constrained by time. He is without beginning or end. He is outside of time. Nevertheless, he graciously acts in time to relate to His creation. A mystery.

I believe that God is unity. God is not composed of parts, nor are contradictions found in His nature. God is the only God, and God is only one. There is one infinite God, one divine being, one creator of all.

Nevertheless, I believe that God is tri-unity, or Trinity. A mystery. The one God eternally exists as three persons—the Father, his Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit. Nevertheless, there is one God. A mystery. God disclosed Himself in the Old Testament as having mysterious unity and diversity in his own being and expression. God’s self-disclosure is completed in the New Testament. The Divine unity remains—God is one. The Divine diversity is unpacked—God is three distinct persons. The Father is not the Son; the Son is not the Father. The Spirit is not the Son; the Spirit is not the Father. Nevertheless, God is one. A mystery. The Three are each completely and truly God. The Three are each personal, without need, perfect, infinite, and unity. The Divine cannot be divided; the Three cannot be confused.

I believe that the Father is wholly God. He, through the Son and Spirit, is the creator of all things—whether in heaven or on earth. He is the Sovereign Ruler, the King of the Universe. He is the Holy Judge. He is the One who graciously reconciles, sending his only Son as the appeasing sacrifice. He is the One to whom all things will return at the consummation of history.

I believe that the Son, Jesus Christ, is wholly God. The Son is the creator of all things; he is the sustainer of all things. The Son always existed with God, is present everywhere, knows all things, is unlimited in power, and never changes. The Son is the Only Begotten God, God with Us, the King of Kings, the Alpha and Omega. Jesus Christ claimed to be God. He forgave sins; his miracles validated his claims. Jesus Christ freely accepted worship.

Nevertheless, I believe that the Son, Jesus Christ, is wholly man. A mystery. The Eternal Son was conceived by the Holy Spirit in the womb of a young virgin named Mary. A mystery. The divine nature assumed a human nature, yet the two natures remained distinct. In his birth, youth, ministry, and death, he was completely human. Nevertheless, he remained fully God, conscious of his deity, yet not always exercising certain attributes. A mystery.

I believe that Holy Spirit is wholly God. The Holy Spirit is present everywhere, knows all things, and is unlimited in power. The Spirit is a person, not a force, as he has intelligence, volition, and emotions.

I believe that God is mystery.

.

Why Won’t You Pray

for My Healing?

9/21/2007

On the one hand life seems kind of “normal” now. Ann went to Matt’s football game, Drew’s soccer game and Hannah’s volleyball game this last week. She spent a good part of last Saturday shopping with Hannah. She cooked a few meals and did the grocery shopping. As the oncologist recently remarked, “Boring is good.”

On the other hand the cancer still has its grip on Ann’s liver. Toxic chemicals are dripped into her veins twice every three weeks. Ann’s body was unable to sufficiently recover from Round 5 so she required a transfusion. The additional activities cause increased fatigue. Despair and hopelessness rule some days.

On other days Ann has a measure of rest and hope. A big factor is encouragement from the Word of God. Ann and I are working through a study on God’s attributes. Ann, Laurie, and Joan recently started Beth Moore’s Believing God: Experiencing a Fresh Explosion of Faith.[53] This incredible study has confirmed many of the things that we have learned this last year. I’ve been analyzing James 5:13-20, a significant passage on healing.

It seems that this journey of ours is best described as a paradox.

Praying for Healing?

When the oncologist reported the preliminary diagnosis after Ann’s surgery last year, I think the news sent Ann into some kind of shock. She didn’t show any emotion at all for several days. What does a man say to his wife who just learned that she has aggressive, incurable cancer? With nowhere else to turn, I turned to the psalms. I began with Psalm 1 and just read out loud while Ann silently lay in her hospital bed with her eyes closed.

We continued the practice after returning home from the hospital. I would read Psalms to her each evening and pray for her strength, grace, and endurance. After a week or so, Ann pierced me with the question, “Why won’t you pray for my healing?”

I don’t remember exactly how I responded that time, or the several subsequent times that Ann asked me to pray for physical healing. Basically, I was rightly committed to not promising something to Ann—or to the kids—that I didn’t think would happen.

Looking back I’ve identified the following barriers to my willingness to pray for Ann’s physical healing.

Experiential Barriers

-                    Life is tough. When I was laid off after 9/11 and had to drop out of seminary for a semester, I experienced the truth that Christians are not exempt from hardships.

-                    Endurance takes great faith. While I was fruitlessly searching for work, I learned firsthand the difficulty of trusting God when he seemed absent. The primary question I wrestled with was, “Is God really good?”

-                    God uses suffering. The conference speakers that I respected the most were those who had endured incredible suffering.

-                    God heals naturally. If a person recovers from a disease, God generally uses doctors and medicine to bring about deliverance.

-                    Godly people die. C.S. Lewis’ wife, Keith Wichita (my preaching professor), Matt’s kindergarten teacher and my Grandma all died “prematurely” of cancer.

-                    Presumption is ludicrous. I refuse to be so arrogant to think that we are more righteous or have more faith than godly people who have suffered and died before us.

For the record, I still hold to each one of these “barriers.” Each accurately reflects the experiences of life in a fallen world.

Theological barriers

-                    Miracles were different then. The healing miracles performed by Jesus and the apostles were instantaneous (except Mark 8:23-25) and always effective (except Matt 17:14-20), even in the hardest cases. Therefore, God only rarely intervenes miraculously now, especially in developed nations.

-                    God is honored through suffering. Therefore, we should only pray for endurance in trials, not deliverance from them.

-                    We must accept God’s will. To live is Christ and to die is gain. Therefore, we should assume that it’s God’s will for a person with aggressive, incurable cancer to die. I must prepare myself for Ann’s imminent death.

-                    God is sovereign and knows the future in advance. Therefore, his will is set and we pray only to grow in our relationship with him. Prayer changes us; it doesn’t really impact the circumstances of life.

-        The Word was written to specific historical audiences. We must understand both the biblical culture and ours before making application. Therefore, we cannot claim passages on prayer, deliverance or physical healing as promises from God for us today.

Each of the theological barriers listed above contain two elements. The first is the basic assumption and is identified prior to the “therefore” statement. The second element is the conclusion that I derived from that basic assumption. It is described in the “therefore” statement and is italicized.

For the record, I still believe each basic assumption. Each accurately reflects the biblical data.

However, I have reevaluated and rejected each of my conclusions. Although each may accurately reflect the experience of life, each is erroneous with regard to the biblical data.

This last year has been a journey in evaluating my experience in light of biblical data, rather than evaluating the Bible in light of my experience.

Prayer Requests

-                    That the “Mack truck” side effect would again pass Ann by this coming week. Her next chemo treatment is Tuesday.

-                    That we would find hope and rest in the character of God as we study his Word in the coming weeks.

-                    That God would physically heal Ann so that she can teach our kids and grandkids that “there is nothing our God cannot do.”

-                    That God would demonstrate the reality of the resurrection from the dead by delivering Ann from the grip of death.

James 5:14-16

“Is any one of you sick?

He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord.

And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well.

The Lord will raise him up.”

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Confessions of Skeptics

10/9/2007

We continue our trek in the valley between suffering and healing. The journey is a paradox of normalcy and reality, sacrifice and selfishness, faith and fear, hope and despair, endurance and fatigue, expectation and resignation.

Life seemed pretty normal last Monday when we ate corn dogs and funnel cakes at the Texas State Fair and when we fled the city on Saturday to hang out at a nearby state park with several families from church. Reality hits every morning when Ann puts on her wig or as her eyebrows continue to thin.

I was struck by the depth of my own selfishness over the weekend, getting angry about little things with both the kids and Ann, rather than “keeping no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:5). I could excuse myself, assuming that it arose from stress or fatigue, but the bottom line is that there is a lot of sewer in my heart that still needs redeemed (Matthew 15:17-18).

On several occasions recently—usually after some time in the Word—Ann has expressed a measure of confidence that God would physically heal her. She is accepting Beth Moore’s challenge to “Believe that God can do what he says he can do.”[54] On other occasions—like this morning—Ann lies on the floor weeping, overcome by fear and hopelessness. She identifies more with the battle fatigue expressed by Duane Miller, who wrote, “It was just too exhausting to maintain a spirit of expectation.”[55]

We will leave for Houston after work on Wednesday. The scans are Thursday morning and we will meet with the doctor on Friday. Will our “lull” continue or will it come to a screeching halt?

A Confession for Skeptics

Duane Miller’s dramatic and instantaneous healing occurred while he was teaching a Sunday school class and it was providentially recorded on tape. He recounts his story in the book Out Of the Silence. On the back cover his pastor, the senior pastor from Houston’s First Baptist Church, testified,

“Every syllable you will read and hear in this book is true. I was there when it happened.”[56]

Why was such a testimony necessary on a book cover? Is it because the excesses of “faith healers” have caused many of us to be skeptical of all healings? Is it because our theology has constricted God to a box smaller than appropriate? I know that I had an easier time believing Duane Miller’s story because of his pastor’s assurances.

The following two episodes from Richard Foster’s Prayer: Finding the Heart’s True Home were a tremendous encouragement to me as I wrestled with the validity of healing for today.

St. Augustine

St. Augustine “doubted the validity of Healing Prayer, stating in his early writings that Christians should not look for the continuation of the healing gift.”[57] In 424 AD a brother and sister were miraculously healed in Augustine’s church at the beginning of a couple of worship services. He was convinced that these healings were genuine and proceeded to set up a process for recording and authenticating miracles. Nearly seventy healing miracles were attested in the two years that followed.[58]

__________________________

Nearly seventy healing

miracles were attested

in the two years that followed.

___________________________

Richard Foster

Foster chronicles[59] in his own life how his “prejudices against physical healing begin to crumble.” He was working in a counseling center and was convicted that his success with patients “was completely explainable by human techniques of psychological manipulation.” The experience that challenged him was when he prayed for a World War II veteran who had suffered from fear and bitterness for 28 years. After that prayer, the vet slept peacefully for the first time in decades and was “totally and instantaneously healed” from the hate and sorrow that had imprisoned him.

Other authors who journeyed from skepticism are Beth Moore (Believing God),[60] Michael L. Brown (Israel’s Divine Healer),[61] James L. Garlow (God Still Heals),[62] and Michael S. Barry (A Reason for Hope).[63]

Healthy Skepticism?

There are at least two dangers of holding too tightly to a theological system. First, no system accounts for all the biblical data. Second, the trickledown effect from scholar to lay person is often ineffective.

For me, the practical outcome of embracing a theology that asserts “some gifts of the Holy Spirit such as…miraculous healings were temporary”[64] was that I no longer really believed in healing miracles at all. My first response when hearing that someone was “healed” was skepticism.

In theory I believed that God could heal; in reality I doubted that he ever would. Specifically, I was convinced that he had no intention of healing Ann.[65]

Psalm 30:1-3

“I will exalt you,

O LORD, for you lifted me out of the depths

And did not let my enemies gloat over me.

O LORDmy God, I called to you for help

And you healed me.

O LORD, you brought me up from the grave;

You spared me from going down into the pit” (emphasis mine).

__________________________

In theory I believed

that God could heal.

In reality I doubted

that he ever would.

__________________________

Prayer Requests

-                    That we would have the necessary courage to return to Houston for the scans and the doctor’s appointment. The reality of our situation often overwhelms us as we walk through the doors of M.D. Anderson.

-                    That our family’s relationships would be characterized by patience and forgiveness, rather than arguing and anger.

-                    That God would physically heal Ann so that she can teach our kids and grandkids that “there is nothing our God cannot do.”

-                    That God would demonstrate the reality of the resurrection from the dead by delivering Ann from the grip of death.

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A Seaworthy Lifeboat

10/15/2007

Dr. Lockhart energetically walked into our room Friday morning and announced, “The cancer is still stable!” After a hug and a greeting for each of us, she explained the situation further.

For each of the last several cycles, the radiologist that reviewed Ann’s scans concluded that the cancer had progressed (grown) slightly. However, each time Dr. Lockhart informed us that she wasn’t concerned because the growth was very minimal. She also wasn’t sure that she agreed with the conclusion of the radiologist.

This time Dr. Lockhart presented Ann’s case to a group of oncologists at some sort of symposium in order to confirm her interpretation of the scans. They unanimously agreed that there was no progression of the cancer after all. The slight “growth” in the tumors was actually because the tumors had died. A dead tumor darkens in color and therefore is more visible on the scans. Apparently, there is also some sort of scar tissue that develops around the tumor that also causes it to appear slightly larger.

Dr. Lockhart also confirmed that Ann’s liver “couldn’t be functioning more normally.”

What Does this Mean?

First and most importantly, it means that this second chemo regimen has proven to be a seaworthy lifeboat. It is effectively keeping the cancer from engulfing Ann’s liver. The significance is that there is not an “imminent disaster” looming before us.

Second, it means that it is safe to tweak the regimen. Ann has been receiving one type of chemo on Day 1 and two types on Day 8. Dr. Lockhart recommended eliminating the second chemo on Day 8 for two next cycles to see what happens. If the cancer remains stable, then she will continue with this new lighter regimen. She also may transition to a 28-day cycle rather than the current 21-day. Her goal is to give Ann as little chemo as possible, yet continue to keep the cancer from growing. The significance is that a reduction in chemo should lead to a reduction in side effects and a more “normal” life.

Third, it means this lifeboat should float for an extended period of time. Our doctor previously mentioned a patient who had completed 57 rounds. Ann starts Round 7 of this regimen tomorrow morning. The significance of this cannot be overstated. According to at least one website, Ann has already more than doubled her life expectancy after these fourteen months. God has graciously answered our prayers and extended Ann’s life. I firmly believe that Ann would be in heaven now if not for our family and friends who have fervently pleaded with our Father for Ann’s life.

What Doesn’t this Mean?

This doesn’t mean that Ann is out of the sea. Her new lifeboat is not designed to take her to shore. Medically speaking, nothing can.

The significance is twofold. First, we are not trusting in our excellent doctor, the chemo regimen, or in Ann’s fortitude. God is our only hope. Second, the need for prayer remains unchanged.

Prayer Requests

-                    Thank God for providing a seaworthy lifeboat and for graciously granting Ann life these last fourteen months.

-                    That our family’s relationships would be characterized by patience and forgiveness, rather than arguing and anger.

-                    That God would physically heal Ann so that she can teach our kids and grandkids that “there is nothing our God cannot do.”

-                    That God would demonstrate the reality of the resurrection from the dead by delivering Ann from the grip of death.

2 Corinthians 1:8b-11

“We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life.

Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death.

But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.

He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us.

On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers.

Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many” (emphasis mine).

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Still Giving Thanks

11/28/2007

This last month has been mostly uneventful as Ann completed rounds seven and eight of this regimen. The only issue was that Ann ran a fever for a few days during round eight. Remarkably, her white blood counts were normal so she didn’t need to be hospitalized. The oncologist just gave her some high-powered antibiotics. Amazingly, this is the first fever that Ann has had in the sixteen months since her spleen was removed. Add to that the sixteen rounds of chemotherapy, especially the first eight in which her immune system was severely beaten down, and it is near miraculous. God has graciously protected Ann from illnesses that could have taken her out. God has graciously answered our corporate prayers.

We return to Houston tomorrow evening for another round of tests. The key question is whether the cancer is still “stable” (not growing), even with the reduction in chemo. Ann’s scans are Thursday morning and we meet with the oncologist Friday morning. We are cautiously optimistic that the news will be good and that we will be able to change the chemo cycle length from three weeks to four.

What a Difference a Year Makes

Ann and I have discussed how different things are this Thanksgiving compared to last. Last year there was overwhelming fear and uncertainty. Chaos ruled and we coped by focusing on one day at a time. We are still often overwhelmed and we have no certainties except the Word. Yet, the degree of chaos has lessened substantially and we find ourselves looking at the future. We have already made our reservations for our annual trek to Colorado. Ann has even talked of redoing the kitchen floor and painting the boy’s bedrooms. Those things weren’t even on the radar last year.

We are still giving thanks for God’s goodness and grace. This year’s “Top Ten List” is similar, yet remarkably different, than last Thanksgiving’s list.

10.              Family and friends. We continue to be encouraged by your emails and cards. Even though I don’t often find the time to respond, please know that those notes are sometimes what enable us to keep going. We continue to be overwhelmed by meals and gifts. Friends are still bringing in meals twice a week. That’s incredible. We continue to be humbled by your persistent prayers. I believe that Ann is alive today because God has heard and answered our prayers.

9.              Effective Chemo. That first chemo regimen was so toxic that it was literally life threatening. This time last year we didn’t know how many rounds Ann would be able to withstand. By God’s grace she went the distance, the full eight rounds. We also didn’t know if the next regimen would even work. By God’s grace it has worked. The tumors now appear to be “dead" and the oncologist has even reduced the treatment plan by dropping Taxotere from these last two rounds.

8.              A “boring” routine. The first six months of this storm were chaos; the last six months have become routine. We spent five days in Houston every three weeks; we now spend two days every seven or eight weeks. Ann received chemo every day for five days straight while in Houston; she now receives just two treatments a week apart here in Dallas. Chemo, blood tests, and scans have become a “normal” part of our life. The side effects are currently minimal and the cancer is stable. As the oncologist previously remarked, “Boring is good.”

7.              Our kids. We still have occasional melt downs, but we no longer fear that the kids will reject God because of Ann’s cancer. On the contrary, we are praying that they will learn trust God in impossible situations—whether times of suffering or difficult ministry assignments—because they have witnessed God’s faithfulness during our battle with cancer.

6.              Examples. We have been heartened by friends and family like Joe, Terri, Roger, Jackie, Bill, Mike, Betty, Judy, Lisa, Nancy, Mary Sue, and others. Some have been healed miraculously and others naturally. Some have personally witnessed unexplainable healings, others incredible provisions. Some are trusting God for the impossible, others are honoring him through incredible suffering. All are exercising faith. All are mentors for us.

5.              Hiking in Colorado. By God’s grace Ann made our annual hike to Dream Lake in Rocky Mountain National Park last July. After taking family pictures, we had a brief worship time and prayed once again for physical healing. I could be delusional, but I sense that God answered our prayer that day. We’re just waiting for his perfect timing.

4.              Prayer. Jesus’ challenge in Luke 18:1-8 to never “lose heart” when praying has never meant more to me than now. I’ve solemnly promised Ann that I will never quit praying for her physical healing—even if the chemo stops working or if the cancer spreads to additional organs—unless she takes her last breath.

3.              Word. I started reading the Bible to Ann after we received the initial diagnosis in July 2006. I had nothing to say so I turned to the psalms. We’ve continued the practice nearly every night since. I’ve also spent a significant time studying various passages on healing and suffering, prayer and faith. James 5:13-20 is my anchor and Psalm 103 is my hope. My main regret is that I don’t have more time to study.

2.              Cancer. I heard others say it and I always thought they were either naïve or delusional. Yet, I can honestly say that I am thankful for this last sixteen months. Cancer is still evil and we are still praying for deliverance. Yet I would not trade the lessons learned for a trial-free life. (I reserve the right to take this one back if Ann dies from hercancer.)

1.              Life. From a statistical standpoint, Ann should be in heaven now. If my heart attack had been more severe, I could be there too. Every day is a gift.

1 Chronicles 16:34

“Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good.

His love endures forever.”

Prayer Requests

-                    That the test results would confirm that the cancer has remained “stable” and that we could transition to a four-week chemo cycle.

-                    That God would strengthen our friend Paul, and his two young daughters, as they grieve in the coming weeks and months. His wife Gina lost the physical battle with cancer, but gained eternal life in the presence of God.

-                    That God would physically heal Ann so that she can teach our kids and grandkids that “there is nothing our God cannot do.”

-                    That God would demonstrate the reality of the resurrection from the dead by delivering Ann from the grip of death.

.

Two Resolutions

1/1/2008

I apologize for not sending out an update shortly after our last trip to Houston at the end of November. The news was a bit discouraging and I needed some time to process. Three trips to Abilene for work and a trip to Arkansas to see Paul cut into my available time and energy. Quite frankly, I just didn’t feel like I had anything to say.

I knew something was up when Dr. Lockhart began the appointment by quizzing Ann about how she felt over the last two rounds. Apparently, she was attempting to assess the improvement in Ann’s “quality of life” in light of eliminating the Taxotere from the regimen. She then informed us that some of the tumors had grown slightly, perhaps a millimeter or two. Her recommendation was to stay the course with only the Gemcitamine, but increase the dosage from 675 units to 800 units. Hopefully, that will bring a return to stability.

Questions

Questions often surface after the conclusion of an appointment, especially as we make phone calls on the return trip to Dallas. “Was the previous assessment—that the tumors were dead—incorrect? Have the tumors been growing slightly all along or did the elimination of the Taxotere rejuvenate the tumors, enabling them to grow again?” I will ask those questions in a couple of weeks when we return to Houston for tests.

The family time over Christmas and New Year’s seemed very normal. We groaned as the Cowboys lost another December game and we rented several movies with some friends. Ann shopped for Christmas presents and Matt woke us up on Christmas morning. Ann cooked Christmas dinner, and the kids and I prematurely snarfed the Christmas cookies. We enjoyed dinner at P.F. Chang’s and we window shopped at the upscale NorthParkCenter. We rang in the New Year with games and friends, and we indulged ourselves with chocolate fondue. We read the Christmas story and we thanked God for granting us life this last year.

Questions often emerge during “normal” times, especially on holidays. “How long will it be normal? Will Ann be here next year for Christmas? Are we naïvely praying for physical healing?” I confess that I found it difficult to fend off those thoughts the last few weeks. Ann starts Round Eighteen tomorrow morning.

My Resolutions

Like many, I’ve often made New Year’s resolutions. I hope to eat less and work out more. I’d like to play more basketball with Matt and I wish I could spend more time studying Hebrew. The list could go on, but it’s probably not necessary. Like many, my resolutions are often broken.

This year, however, I do have two resolutions that I will never break. I originally made these about sixteen months ago. I reaffirmed them last summer when I publicly promised our church family that I would keep them. I am still resolved today.

First, I will continue to pray for Ann’s physical healing no matter what happens—even if the cancer rages out of control, even if the doctors say hope is gone, even if additional friends die of cancer. I will keep on trusting God to physically deliver Ann from cancer in this life—unless she takes her last breath. I will keep praying. I will never give up.

Second, I will continue to worship and serve God no matter what happens—whether Ann is physically healed and lives to know our grandkids, or whether God allows the cancer to take her life prematurely. I will keep the Christian faith. I will never quit the race marked out for us.

Luke 18:1

“Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up” (emphasis mine).

Hebrews 12:1-2

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God” (emphasis mine).

Prayer Requests

-                    That God would strengthen us by his Spirit so that we would persevere in faith and hope.

-                    That God would physically heal Ann so that she can teach our kids and grandkids that “there is nothing our God cannot do.”

-                    That God would demonstrate the reality of the resurrection from the dead by delivering Ann from the grip of death.

.

No Longer Seaworthy

2/3/2008

Ann lamented to me last Saturday evening, after our return from Houston the previous afternoon (1/25/08), “It’s like we’re starting over from the beginning.” The questions and the doubts. The hopelessness and the fear. The disappointment and the uncertainty. The anger at God.

In early October a group of oncologists concluded that Ann’s tumors looked dead, so our oncologist recommended that we drop the Taxotere to see if Gemcitamine alone would be enough to keep the tumors from growing. The goal was to improve Ann’s “quality of life” by reducing the side effects of the chemotherapy. At the end of November the scans showed that the tumors were nearly stable, but had grown slightly. The dosage of Gemcitamine was increased accordingly to attempt to halt further growth.

Last Friday our oncologist in Houston authoritatively stated, “It’s time to change your chemo.” The scans indicated that the tumors in Ann’s liver had grown substantially since her last check up. The Gemcitamine alone was obviously ineffective at retarding the growth of the tumors. Sarcoma tumors typically develop a resistance to specific chemo-therapy treatments over time. I assume that this is similar to how a strain of bacteria might develop a resistance to antibiotics.

Our Lifeboat

Ann’s lifeboat is no longer seaworthy and needs to be replaced. Will we find another lifeboat? If so, how long will it remain seaworthy? How many additional lifeboats are available? Ann has already used up four.

On Thursday Ann started her first treatment of Taxol, a cousin to Taxotere, which was effective at halting the growth of the tumors from May through October. She will receive an infusion every week; there will be no week off like the previous regimen. We will return to Houston at the end of March to see if the Taxol has slowed or stopped the growth.

To add to the discouragement the oncologist here in Dallas informed us that there was a problem with our insurance. It does not cover Taxol treatments for sarcomas. By God’s grace the hospital had excess supply and agreed to treat Ann for four weeks. In the meantime we will need to work with the insurance company to authorize treatment. The possible repercussions of this setback are overwhelming.

Three Options

I see three options for responding to our present discouraging circumstances:

Option 1: Curse God and chuck the faith.

Should I follow the example of Job’s wife and advise Ann to quit the faith (Job 2:9)? Perhaps God doesn’t really exist. Perhaps he’s not all-powerful. Perhaps the Bible isn’t true.

_________________________

“Lord, to whom shall we go?”

__________________________

Or should I follow the example of Peter, who understood there was no other viable option? When asked if he also was going to forsake Jesus, Peter responded, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have words of eternal life” (John 6:68). Why would we abandon our only hope for this life and our guarantee for eternity? I’ve publicly vowed to never quit the faith and I intend to keep that vow.

Option 2: Accept reality and quit praying for physical healing.

The cancer has started to grow again. Does this indicate that God is not planning to heal Ann? It’s been over 18 months since the original diagnosis. If God was going to heal Ann, wouldn’t he have done so by now? Is God really big enough to deliver Ann from cancer’s deathgrip? Does he even heal today?

Should I follow the advice of a commentator on James 5:14-16? He wrote, “We do not even pray for the recovery of the sick, when the symptoms make it clear that God’s will is otherwise; our prayer then is for a peaceful and painless departure.”[66]

I agree with the author that there is a time to pray for a “peaceful and painless departure.” I have prayed that prayer for a few people in this last year. However, I strongly object if the determining factor is “symptoms,” even if they are hopeless. Is anything too difficult for the Lord (Genesis 18:14)?

-                    Ten spies, who returned from reconnaissance in Canaan, concluded that taking the land was impossible (Numbers 13:21-33). Joshua and Caleb, confident that God would fight for them, took the land forty years later.

-                    The army of Saul cowered in fear when taunted by the Philistine warrior. David picked up a few stones, taunted the giant and killed him with his sling, because he knew the battle was the Lord’s (1 Samuel 17).

Shouldn’t I follow the example of Joshua, Caleb, and David? I don’t find any encouragement in the Bible to give up just because the circumstances are impossible. I’ve publicly vowed that I would never quit praying for Ann’s physical healing; I intend to keep that vow.

_____________________________

I don’t find any encouragement

in the Bible to give up just

because the circumstances

are impossible.

____________________________

Option 3: Accept reality and keep praying for physical healing.

Shouldn’t I follow Abraham’s example? He faced the reality of his situation, that it was physically impossible for Sarah to have a child. He had no human basis for hope, yet he still had hope in God. He believed that God could do what he had promised, that he could give life to their dead bodies and raise up descendants too numerous to count (Romans 4:17-25). We all are living proof that God kept his promise.

Shouldn’t I follow the example of the persistent widow? She kept pressing the unrighteous judge for justice for she had no other advocate (Luke 18:1-8). Shouldn’t I persist in bringing my case to the righteous judge, my Father?

If God has invited me to trust him for physical healing then this is the only response I can have.

Romans 4:19-21

“Without becoming weak in faith he contemplated his own body, now as good as dead since he was about a hundred years old, and the deadness of Sarah’s womb.

Yet, with respect to the promise of God, he did not waver in unbelief but grew strong in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully assured that what God had promised, He was able also to perform” (NASB, emphasis and punctuation mine).

Luke 18:1, 7-8

“Now He was telling them a parable to show that at all times they ought to pray and not to lose heart…

Now, will not God bring about justice for His elect who cry to Him day and night, and will He delay long over them?

I tell you that He will bring about justice for them quickly” (NASB, emphasis and capitalization mine).

Prayer Requests

-                    That the insurance company will agree to pay for Taxol treatments.

-                    That the Taxol will prove to be a seaworthy lifeboat by stopping the growth of the tumors.

-                    That we can persist in trusting in God’s character while we wait for his deliverance.

-                    That God would physically heal Ann so that she can teach our kids and grandkids that “there is nothing our God cannot do.”

-                    That God would demonstrate the reality of the resurrection from the dead by delivering Ann from the grip of death.

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An Invitation for Healing?

3/8/2008

Circumstances have been relatively encouraging over the last five weeks. The insurance company agreed to pay for the Taxol after some gymnastics by our oncologist. Ann is “six for six” with her weekly treatments, even though her blood counts were borderline prior to the third treatment. Ann’s body continues to rebound remarkably well from each toxic infusion. Obviously, from a medical standpoint, Ann’s ability to receive the chemo is a key factor in keeping the tumors from growing.

Ann and I enjoyed a brief getaway in Granbury, Texas, to celebrate Valentine’s Day. It was refreshing to get out of the city and relax at a cozy bed and breakfast. We talked, prayed, and just hung out. A highlight was watching a couple of on-line sessions from Beth Moore’s Explosion of Faith study. We felt encouraged to stay the course, to continue to trust God for deliverance from our hopeless situation. We would rather “err on the side of belief”[67] and keep on trusting that nothing is impossible for God.

___________________

We would rather

keep on trusting

that nothing is

impossible for God.

___________________

The last six weeks have not been without discouragement. My low point was one Sunday afternoon when Ann vomited a number of times. Was this what we should now expect each week? Fortunately, my fear was likely unfounded. Looking back, we think Ann was sick because she took a pain pill on an empty stomach. Ann’s hair, which had begun to regrow nicely, is nearly gone again. Ann has more pain—not sharp but constant. Is it the chemo? Is it the cancer? We will know in part when we return to Houston at the end of the month.

An Invitation?

When I first learned that Ann had incurable cancer, I assumed that God would ask us to trust and honor him through Ann’s death. The following experiences, which occurred in the first month after her surgery, caused me to reconsider that assumption. I write this to remind myself and to perhaps encourage you.

Three Useless Gestures

DeeDee. After Ann’s surgery (7/26/2006), the pathologist was ninety percent certain that Ann had stage IV melanoma. DeeDee, our oncology nurse, prayed to the “God of the ten percent” that this preliminary diagnosis would be incorrect. I appreciated her gesture, but knew her prayer wouldn’t be answered.

Dave. Over a coke at Chili’s, Dave reluctantly confirmed the statistics that I already knew—Ann probably had about eight months to live. He then challenged me to maintain hope with the gesture, “You know, Howard, God could heal her.” I tersely replied, “He could. But he won’t.”

Sergio. We called for the elders of our church, according to James 5:14-16, to pray for Ann at our home Bible study group. Sergio, one of the elders, challenged the group to believe God for healing, not just pray for it. He said something like, “Maybe God wants to show his glory in this impossible situation.” I thanked Sergio for his gesture, but knew in my heart that it was pointless.

Three Acts of Deliverance

Ten Percent. When we met with the oncologist in Dallas six days after Ann’s surgery, he shocked us with the question, “What are your symptoms?” Basically, the pathologist had been unable to determine the type of cancer that had engulfed Ann’s spleen. He only knew that it definitely was not melanoma.

It would be impossible to overstate the impact of this act of deliverance. The cloud of despondency and hopelessness was lifted as I realized that God had indeed answered DeeDee’s impossible prayer.

Nineteen Days. We immediately contacted M.D. Anderson in Houston to get a second opinion. However, the earliest we could get an appointment was over thirty days out. This was after waiting for nine days after surgery to receive a diagnosis; this was after waiting for three months after the initial doctor’s appointment to have surgery. I felt that God had abandoned us and I had nowhere to turn.

In the meantime a nurse in Houston, who was a friend of a friend, made a number of phone calls and somewhat mysteriously obtained the phone number for the office of the hospital’s president.               Quite out of character I called the number and asked if anything could be done. Our appointment was moved up nineteen days.

It would also be impossible to overestimate the significance of this act. I learned that God had not abandoned us, but was working behind the scenes on our behalf, working when I was unable to do anything, working when I had given up. Sue and her husband, Bill, became our hosts and our refuge in Houston.

A Slain Giant. Some friends told us a pastor of a nearby church who had been healed of cancer. We called up Joe and his wifeand then went to their house to hear their story firsthand (www.mystronghold.org). Joe had fought stage IV melanoma for over a year. The cancer had engulfed his body and had spread to several of his organs. At one point the doctors literally gave him days to live.

He prepared his funeral, but his wife Terri kept praying, trusting God to deliver and clinging to his word. God used a new, shape-beamed radiation treatment to kill his cancer, a treatment that has not worked with other melanoma patients. Joe has now been cancer-free since August 2004.[68]

Again, it would be impossible to overemphasize the magnitude of this act on my journey. God had delivered someone from my most-feared giant and that person lived nearby. We attended a healing service where Joe and the elders prayed for Ann’s physical healing. We have been able to talk and pray with Joe and Terri several times over the last eighteen months. They understand, probably like no other, what we are going through and what we are trying to do. Terri’s tenacious persistence in prayer and faith is my model.

Three Prayers

Ann. After the initial shock of the diagnosis subsided, Ann has beenburdened with a consistent, intense desire to live. Shewants to raise our kids, teach our grandkids that all things are possible with God, and to partner with me in a teaching ministry, hopefully in Asia. Are these selfish requests? The impact of repeatedly seeing Ann weeping on the floor of our bedroom, pleading with God for her life has beenstaggering.

Was it possible that this “desire of her heart” was placed there by her Father so that he could demonstrate his power? It was for Hannah, Samuel’s mom. Through Ann I’ve seen firsthand the type of prayer that Hannah prayed in the first chapter of 1 Samuel.[69]

Spontaneous prayer. As news of Ann’s diagnosis spread, we received word from family, friends and those we didn’t even know that they were passionately praying for us. I took notice when we received an email from a friend who said her sister in Idaho was praying for us. Later, a friend wrote that he was praying more for Ann than he was his own kids. A cousin told us that he was praying harder for Ann than he ever had anyone else.

Perhaps God was up to something. Perhaps the Holy Spirit was motivating believers to pray so that he could heal Ann. At last count people from thirty states and thirteen countries were praying for Ann.

Charles. After Ann’s surgery, our pastor from Iowa drove most of the night to accompany us to Ann’s first appointment with the oncologist. He was there when we learned that the diagnosis was not melanoma. From the beginning Charles felt that God not only could heal Ann, but that he would.

He would never claim to be a prophet. He just thinks that God wants to deliver Ann in our specific situation. He and the elders publically prayed for her physical healing last summer when we were home. The church has held numerous times of prayer for Ann over the last twenty months.

All of this is especially meaningful because Charles studied at the same conservative seminary that I did, and he has preached enough funerals in his thirty-plus years of ministry to be a realist. He’s not blowing smoke just to make me feel better.

Three Questions

I believe that God used the nine experiences just described to challenge me to ask these three questions:

-                    Was it possible that God was inviting us to trust him for deliverance from death rather than to honor him through Ann’s death? In other words, how did I know that it was God’s will for Ann to die from cancer at this time?

-                    Was it even permissible for me to ask God to heal Ann? In other words, does God still physically heal today? Specifically, does he heal in response to prayer?

-                    If God was extending an invitation for healing, what was my responsibility? In other words, what would it look like, if I were to trust God to completely heal Ann?

My priority over the last twenty months has been to find answers to these questions. If the Lord ever grants me the privilege of pursing a PhD, I would love to write my dissertation on biblical healing.

___________________________

Was it even permissible for me

to ask God to heal Ann?

__________________________

Psalm 103:2-6

“Praise the LORD, O my soul!

Do not forget all his kind deeds!

He is the one

who forgives all your sins,

who heals all your diseases,

who delivers your life from the Pit,

who crowns you with his loyal love and compassion,

who satisfies your life with good things,

so your youth is renewed like an eagle’s” (NET).

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The Reality of the Resurrection

3/25/2008

Remarkably, Ann went “eight for eight” with this new chemo regime. Ann’s body sufficiently rebounded after each treatment so that she could receive Taxol eight Thursdays in a row. Not bad for someone who has been on chemo for nineteen months. Our oncologist in Houston half expected that the schedule would slip to ten days, or even to two weeks, because Ann’s body would wear down. We are once again grateful that God has graciously sustained Ann, rebuilding her body so that she can remain in her toxic lifeboat. Our only hope of halting the growth of the tumors—from a medical standpoint—is Ann’s ability to regularly take chemotherapy.

Matt had strep throat over Spring Break. This is potentially dangerous because Ann’s immune system is beat down by the chemo. Even a fever of 100.5 is considered a medical emergency. However, once again God has graciously protected Ann from getting sick. In fact her only illness in the last nineteen months has been one cold.

Easter, March 23, 2008

Tired of Fighting

Ann is wearing down physically. She hung out with Hannah Saturday afternoon, shopping and running errands. She crashed for a couple hours after coming home. On Sunday we celebrated the resurrection by going to church and eating Easter dinner at a friend’s house. She crashed for several hours after coming home. The pain is more constant and has grown in intensity. It woke Ann up a couple of times last night. Morphine tablets provide daily relief.

We are both worn out emotionally and spiritually. We are tired of the battle, but thankful that we are still in the fight.

________________________

We are tired of the battle,

but thankful that

we are still in the fight.

________________________

We were refreshed by an opportunity to share our testimony at a neighbor’s Bible study last Thursday evening. The group’s agreement with our requests (Matthew 18:19) and their heartfelt prayers were tremendously encouraging. We enjoy sharing lessons we’ve learned in this storm, because we don’t want this trial to be in vain.

We travel to Houston tomorrow evening for scans on Thursday. We then meet with the oncologist at 8:30 Friday morning. We’ll find out if the Taxol has been effective at slowing or even halting the growth of the tumors. We’ll find out if the pain is being caused by the chemo or the cancer. I’m probably more apprehensive about this appointment than any previous one. If the Taxol isn’t working, what’s Plan D? Our only hope of halting the growth of the tumors—from a medical standpoint—is the doctor’s ability to repeatedly find an effective chemo.

Caught on Tape

The book that has impacted me the most in the last two years is Out of the Silence by Duane Miller. It is the amazing and brutally honest story of a pastor from near Houston who lost his voice due to a virus that settled in his vocal cords in 1990. He was forced to leave the pastorate because a raspy whisper was all he could generate when he shouted with all his strength. Specialists from around the world concluded that he would completely lose all his ability to speak in about two years.

After a period of time, he returned to his home church in Houston and began to teach a Sunday school class with the help of a super-sensitive microphone. One Sunday morning in 1993, while teaching on Psalm 103, God instantly and completely restored his voice. Specialists who examined him afterwards concluded that his vocal cords were like new. He could literally sing higher notes after the healing than before he lost his voice.

_________________________

You can literally hear

his voice going

from raspy whisper to normal

in a matter of seconds.

________________________

A cool thing about this incident is that it was caught on tape. All classes were recorded each week and this week was no ex-ception. You can literally hear his voice going from raspy whisper to normal in a matter of seconds. You can hear the class begin to weep as they realize what had happened. You can hear Duane become at a loss for words after finally being able to speak. A recording comes with the book (www.nuvoice.org). I talked with Duane on the phone several months ago. He is a real person and he still has his voice.

The coolest thing about this event is what happened afterward. Duane began sharing his story around the country, using his physical healing as a “living parable of God’s desire to forgive, to remove scar tissue of sin and self and remake us into entirely new beings.”[70] Just as Duane’s damaged vocal cords were made completely new, so also we are made new when we trust Christ—no matter how ruined or broken we are. He writes, “What better picture of a spiritual restoration can there be than to enact a physical healing?”[71]

The recording of his healing not only made it to the James Dobson radio program, but it also found its way to Asia. A Vietnamese pastor, who used the tape as an evangelistic tool, reported to Duane, “They can’t understand what you’re saying, of course, but when your voice changes, they always cry, always cry. Then they ask, ‘Why? How? What happened to this man? And the worker shares Jesus with them…You have no idea how many people in Vietnam have come to Christ because of you.”[72]

Demonstrating the Reality

I began to pray about what illustration I might use if God graciously chose to heal Ann. A parable of forgiveness is awesome, but it’s not our story. Our story is hopelessness and death. Splenic angiosarcoma is rare, aggressive and incurable. The median survival rate is listed as six months. The five year survival rate is less than twenty percent. One journal article concludes, “Primary splenic angiosarcoma is an extremely aggressive neoplasm that is almost universally fatal.”[73]

I probably shouldn’t have googled angiosarcoma this evening, but I wanted to validate some facts. I’m hesitant to even put the last paragraph in writing because it is so overwhelming. Those facts taunt me. The reminder of our reality—medical science offers us only hopelessness and death—is suffocating.

_________________________

Ironically, it is precisely

because we have no hope

that we have hope.

_________________________

Ironically, it is precisely because we have no hope that we have hope (Romans 4:18). Since we are unable to trust in doctors or chemo, we have been forced to trust in God alone. Our only hope is in God, the “God of the ten percent,” the God who raises the dead. We do have hope, because the tomb was empty. Jesus Christ is the resurrection and the life (John 11:25).

Our desire and prayer is that God would deliver Ann from this hopelessness and death in order to demonstrate the reality of the resurrection of Jesus Christ. If Ann is physically healed, our message will be, “We know that God raises the dead, because he delivered Ann from the grip of death.” God did what science could not. Nothing is impossible for God. Truly, our story is one of hope and life in the face of cancer and despair.

I believe that the need for this message was confirmed a few days later when I received an email from a friend who works for the Josh McDowell Ministries. He stated that fifty-one percent of the “born-again” teenagers in North American were uncertain that Jesus Christ had risen from the dead.[74] Perhaps God will physically heal Ann so that we can proclaim the reality of the resurrection to a generation that needs to know.

The Resurrection’s Reality

-                    “Jesus said to her, ‘I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me will live even if he dies, and everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die. Do you believe this?’ (John 11:25-26,NASB)”

-                    “The angel said to the women, ‘Do not be afraid; for I know that you are looking for Jesus who has been crucified. He is not here, for He has risen, just as He said. Come, see the place where He was lying. Go quickly and tell His disciples that He has risen from the dead.”(Matthew 28:5-7a, NASB).

-                    “If there is no resurrection of the dead, then not even Christ has been raised. And if Christ has not been raised, our preaching is useless and so is your faith… And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile; you are still in your sins” (1 Corinthians 15:13-14, 17).

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Two Ineffective Lifeboats,

an Explosion and

Three Requests

4/30/2008

I started an update several weeks ago, but didn’t have emotional or spiritual energy to write. Much has happened in the past month and this is my attempt to bring you up to date.

March 29th

We met with the oncologist in Houston after the eightrounds of Taxol. As is often the case in this battle, the news was mixed. On the positive side the Taxol was effective in keeping the cancer in check. Most of the tumors in Ann’s liver were the same size, some had shrunk in size, but one tumor looked like it had grown.

On the negative side, the Taxol was causing difficult side effects like neuropathy. Ann began to lose feeling in her fingers and legs. After about the seventh round she began having trouble buttoning her blouse. Since this side effect would only worsen significantly with additional rounds of Taxol, our oncologist recommended ending the treatments. Another lifeboat had lost its effectiveness.

Plan D was to participate in a clinical trial with the drug Avastin. Our oncologist had reason to expect effectiveness, because she had other angiosarcoma patients that had responded well to the drug. Later, our oncologist in Dallas confirmed that he felt Avastin would be a good option for Ann. The positives with this regimen were that there were very few side effects, usually just a bit of fatigue. It was even likely that Ann’s hair would begin to grow back. Also, the treatments were every three weeks, rather than just once per week. The only negative was that the treatments would need to be administered in Houston.

April 8th

We drove to Houston Monday evening for the tests and the first round of Avastin on Tuesday. We arrived at the hospital at 8:00 a.m., left a little after 8:00 p.m., and made it back home by a bit past midnight. All went well for the first week or so. Ann felt fine and had a bit more pep. We enjoyed a brief visit from some friends back in Iowa. I stripped the wallpaper off of our kitchen so we could prep the house for Drew’s graduation. It was a welcomed bit of normalcy.

Then the bottom dropped out. Ann’s fatigue dramatically increased. She began to experience shortness of breath and had to rest several times walking from the car to the doctor’s office. She lost her appetite and began vomiting after eating. The “tightness” in her midsection began to swell significantly. At the end of the three weeks she had difficulty walking across our small house.

April 29th

We returned to Houston to gain some answers for these new symptoms, expecting to begin round two. The oncologist, after examining and interviewing Ann, suspected that the symptoms were not a result of the Avastin because they occurred more than ten days after the treatment. Also, the chest x-ray showed fluid on Ann’s lungs. Ann’s distentia in her midsection had grown significantly over the last few days. The most likely possibility was that Avastin was ineffective against Ann’s cancer and that the tumors had begun to grow rapidly.

___________________________

Our oncologist told us

it was time to again

discuss the seriousness of Ann’s

cancer with our kids.

____________________________

In addition, Ann was unable to receive the second Avastin treatment, because her platelet counts were only at 17,000. They needed to be above 50,000. The current plan is to wait until her counts rebound to 50,000. We will then return to Houston for scans to confirm the situation with the cancer and determine a next step. Most likely, we will have to end the clinical trial and start some other standard chemo. To do this, Ann’s platelet counts will need to be above 100,000. This may mean three or four more weeks without a lifeboat of any kind.

Our oncologist encouraged us to discuss and document Ann’s wishes concerning resuscitation. She didn’t project a timetable, but told us it was time to again discuss the seriousness of Ann’s cancer with our kids. I had that difficult conversation with Paul, Drew, Hannah and Matt Tuesday evening after returning from Houston.

April 30th

We met with our Dallas oncologist this morning in order to schedule a blood transfusion. After reviewing Ann’s lab work, he recommended admitting Ann for a few days to fight her bladder infection and anything else that might be going on. Ann will probably be here at Baylor Hospital until Friday or Saturday.

An Explosion

On Tuesday’s ride home, after driving north for an hour or so to gain a measure of composure, I called a few friends and family members to tell them the news. It was déjà vu all over again, feeling just like July 2006 when I made phone calls from the hospital stairwell after Ann’s surgery. The grief and pain, the unbelief and shock—mine and of those I called.

___________________________

It was déjà vu all over again.

The grief and pain,

the unbelief and shock.

___________________________

The news took us both totally by surprise. We knew Ann wasn’t feeling well. I had begun to notice that she had really lost ground over the last few days. However, we suspected something like a kidney infection—not an explosion of cancer. Just a month ago the scans showed that Ann’s cancer was stable. However, such is the nature of angiosarcoma. Just a slight change in treatment and it’s likely to rage out of control. The challenge will be finding another chemo that is able to douse the flames for a time. The concern is Ann’s platelet counts—will they rebound quickly enough to receive additional chemo?

How Can You Help?

I have previously written about my two solemn vows. Regardless of what happens, I will never quit the Christian faith and I will never quit praying for Ann’s physical healing. There have been difficult stretches during these last two years, times when trusting God for Ann’s healing was extremely difficult. However, the real test has only begun. Do I really believe that God answers prayer? Do I really believe that nothing is impossible with God? Do I really believe that God still heals today in answer to prayer? Do I really believe that there is always hope?

Numerous people have asked, “Can we do anything to help?” We have three requests.

Don’t give up on Ann. One friend promised that she would pray for Ann’s healing until either she or Ann took her last breath. A high school classmate offered to fast with another classmate to plead for Ann’s deliverance. Several other friends have promised to continue praying for Ann’s physical healing. Jesus healed the paralytic because he saw the faith of his four friends (Mark 2:5). I can’t tell you how much that helps us to know that others will continue to pray even though hope is fleeting. The battle is not ours alone.

Don’t give up in your own impossible situations. Perhaps your marriage is shattered or your kids are wandering. Perhaps your finances are in shambles or your work is miserable. Perhaps you have your own hopeless health issues. Don’t quit asking your Father for deliverance. As long as there is breath there is hope.

_____________________________

Do not allow yourself to believe

the lie that prayer is pointless.

Truth is found in his Word,

not in our experience.

_____________________________

Don’t give up on prayer. If God chooses—in his sovereignty and goodness—not to heal Ann, do not allow yourself to believe the lie that prayer is pointless. Truth is found in his word, not in our experience.

Prayer Requests

-                    That Ann would be able to eat adequately so that she does not lose further strength.

-                    That Ann’s platelet counts would quickly rebound so that she can receive additional chemo soon. They dropped to 10,000 today.

-                    That God will give grace and strength to Paul, Drew, Hannah and Matt and that we can all honor God during this time.

-                    That God would physically heal Ann so that she can teach our kids and grandkids that “there is nothing our God cannot do.”

-                    That God would demonstrate the reality of the resurrection by delivering Ann from death’s grip.

Mark 2:3-5

“Some men came, bringing to him a paralytic, carried by four of them.

Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus and, after digging through it, lowered the mat the paralyzed man was lying on.

When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic,

‘Son, your sins are forgiven’” (emphasis mine).

Luke 18:1

“Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up” (emphasis mine).”

One Last Thing

If you are committed to asking our Father for Ann’s physical healing, would you please let us know by replying to this email. I can’t express how much it would mean to Ann, the kids, and I to know that many of you have not given up, that you are still asking and trusting God to heal Ann.

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Chapter 4:

Halftime

A college basketball game is comprised of two twenty-minute halves of play. At halftime the players, coaches and referees leave the court to rest and regroup. Adjustments are made and new strategies formulated.

Football, while consisting of four quarters, also has extended break at halftime. Hockey has no “halftime,” since it has three periods of competition, but there is a long reprieve between each period. Players from each of these sports leave the arena of competition for the safety of the locker room. Even sports fans have an opportunity at the intermission to take a breather from their intense action with a visit to the concession stand.

______________________

There is no intermission,

no breaks, no time to rest,

no opportunity to regroup.

_______________________

Wrestling has no intermission, no breaks, no time to rest, no opportunity to regroup. The “break” between each period lasts only as long as it takes for the wrestlers to return to the center of the mat. The ref then immediately blows his whistle, and the struggle resumes.

No Breather

Cancer and grief are a lot like wrestling. There was no lull or rest after cancer robbed Ann of life. The struggle with grief began immediately and intensely.

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Ann Lives

5/3/2007

The oncologist came into our room Thursday morning to discuss the results of the tests and scans. He concluded that the cancer had consumed the liver and that it was shutting down. She was in D.I.C., which meant that her blood was no longer clotting. Ann’s counts would not rebound so that she could receive chemo, nor would chemo do any good. There was nothing else they could do to fight the cancer. We had run out of lifeboats.

I made a few phone calls from the hospital stairwell. I told Ann’s mom when she arrived at the hospital. Her brother decided to go ahead and come down from St. Joseph. I called Paul who was still at school in Arkansas and I told the other three kids when they came to the hospital that evening. Our only hope had always been God, since medical science offered no cure. However, the reality of that fact hit incredibly hard Thursday evening.

______________________

Our only hope had

always been God,

since medical science

offered no cure.

______________________

Before visiting hours were over, we had another time of prayer with the kids. I wept as I shared with them that over one hundred people had already responded to my email indicating that they would never quit praying. I read a couple of those emails to the kids. I then prayed—with a measure of faith—the four requests that we had prayed during this battle.

-                    That God would physically heal Ann so that she can teach our kids and grandkids that “there is nothing our God cannot do.”

-                    That God would heal Ann so that we could together be laborers in the harvest in Asia.

-                    That God would heal Ann in such a manner so that no one would give credit to the doctors or chemo, but that everyone would know that it was God who had healed her.

-                    That God would demonstrate the reality of the resurrection by delivering Ann from death’s grip.

Enough Faith

We sent the kids off with plans to have them out of school a bit early so they could hang out at the hospital with Ann Friday evening. I then read each of the emails that had been sent. By the time I shut off my laptop at 1:00 a.m., there were close to one hundred and fifty emails. I sobbed with each email that I read. Person after person said they would keep praying. Several shared stories of their own miracles of deliverance. You will never know how encouraged I was by your responses.

The emails provided overwhelming confirmation to a conclusion that I had drawn a few weeks prior. If God’s will was to physically heal Ann, enough faith had been demonstrated by us, as well as our “four friends” (Mark 2:1-12), that God would be free to execute his will. No lack of participation would be a hindrance.

The Storm

At 4:00 a.m. a team of doctors and technicians converged on our room because Ann’s blood pressure had dropped. They concluded that Ann should be moved to the ICU.

I called Paul at 5:00 a.m. and said that he needed to leave Arkansas immediately. He was in the basement taking shelter from a tornado. My prayer became, “Oh God. Don’t you let dare Ann die before Paul gets here.” I’m not sure of the impact that would have had on either Paul or me.

_______________________

“Oh, God.

Don’t you dare let Ann die

before Paul gets here.”

_______________________

Ann’s brother had her mom and ourkids in the hospital by 6:15 that morning. Though I had no information yet from the doctors, I told the kids that I didn’t know if Ann would make it through the day.

The ICU opened up at 8:30 a.m. and I took the kids in to see Ann. She recognized them and they were able to tell her that they loved her. Friends started arriving. Paul and Steffi made it by 10:30 a.m. Ann smiled and was able to make a few comments to them.

Halftime

Back in July 2006, after the initial diagnosis, I read to Ann from the scriptures as she lay in her hospital bed, because there was nothing else I could really say. I did the same thing in her ICU room that morning.

Sometime around noon the nurse indicated that everyone needed to be in the room. Ann was surrounded by her husband and kids, her mom, brother and his wife, and several close friends. We were weeping, telling her we loved her, and encouraging her to go to be with Jesus. It was a fitting end to her life. I was reading from John 11:25-26 when she quietly died at 12:22 p.m.

The speed at which Ann’s death came this week has been shocking. I know that you will pray for the kids and me. Mother’s Day, Ann’s birthday, and Drew’s graduation are all in the next few weeks. For us it’s just halftime.

John 11:25-26

“Jesus said to her,

‘I am the resurrection and the life.

He who believes in me will live, even though he dies.

And whoever lives and believes in me will never die.

Do you believe this?’” (emphasis mine)

.

Three Funerals

and a Hot Dog Roast

Ann’s last doctor’s appointment in Houston was on a Monday morning. Our oncologist gravely told us it was time to remind the kids that Ann’s situation was serious. By Friday noon she was in heaven worshipping Jesus Christ, the King of Kings.

Ann showed very little emotion in the four intervening days. I can’t recall that she even cried once. I only remember her saying, “I’m sorry” from her hospital bed as I wept for her in my chair. I assume that she went into some sort of shock, like when we first heard the preliminary diagnosis.

We seldom talked about her death during her two-year battle. It was too painful for her because she desperately wanted to live—so that she could be a wife to me, a mom to our kids and hold our future grandkids.

However, that Monday night after returning from Houston Ann did two things. First, she disappeared back to our bedroom for a time and wrote down a number of our on-line passwords. She was the one who had been handling our finances, so I suppose that she thought she’d better document the passwords just in case.

Later that evening, I believe it was in our hallway, Ann said, “You know, if God doesn’t heal me, there needs to be three funerals.” I briefly told her that I had the same thought. We then went out to the family room and hung out with the kids.

Saturday morning, slightly less than twenty hours after her death, we were gathered in our dining room making funeral plans. Several friends were there to help with the arrangements, as were the funeral director and Pastor Charles, who had driven together all night from Iowa.

It’s funny, sometimes, the things that run through our minds. Several ladies were in the kitchen and I kept looking in to ask Ann what she thought about our plans—only to realize that Ann wasn’t in there and that we were discussing her funeral.

I would never recommend this to anyone, and my friends questioned me a bit about the decision, but we did decide to have three funerals.

A Long Week

The first service was the following Monday in Dallas, where we had lived for the previous eleven years. The kids asked to have it late in the afternoon so that their friends could come. Classmates, teachers and coaches attended in response to the kid’s Facebook postings. I was amazed at the various circles that Ann’s life had touched: neighbors, LifeGroup friends, Sunday school friends, Moms-in-Touch moms, school teachers, coaches, seminary wives and my co-workers. A funeral is a vivid reminder to invest in relationships.

The second memorial was Wednesday morning in St. Joseph, Missouri, which was a ten-hour trip north and is where Ann grew up. If the first funeral was about friends, the second one was about family. Ann’s extended family is large and she was the first of her twenty paternal cousins to die.

We continued our trek later that afternoon, driving three hours north to Perry, Iowa, to finalize arrangements with the funeral director. We also had a chance to see Ann’s body again, before the public viewing Thursday evening. Nothing says “final” as concretely as selecting a head stone for your wife.

The funeral was Friday morning and consisted primarily of our friends and my family,[75] though Ann’s mom, brother and several relatives drove up to Iowa for the final funeral and burial.

Ann was buried about a mile east of my Grandpa’s farm in a cemetery overlooking the Raccoon River. She joined five generations of my mother’s family in that cemetery, most of whom I presume are waiting for Christ Himself “to descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God” (1 Thessalonians 4:16). Ann and all these relatives who are in Christ will rise first.

The Right Thing

We headed out to my Grandpa’s farm, after the church’s luncheon, and rode four-wheelers over the pastures and through the woods until dark. We capped the day with a hot dog roast on a hill overlooking the Little Pond.

I would never recommend a week like this to anyone. Ever. But for us, it was the right thing to do.

.

I Still Miss You

Hannah’s friend Courtney burned a CD for us before we headed north to Ann’s memorial services in St. Joseph and Perry. The CD included Hawk Nelson’s song, “I Still Miss You.”Although the song was written about Jason Dunn's grandmother, the similarities to Ann's departure, who was 5 foot 4, are striking and moving. We cried together as we listened to it over and over in our van on that heartrending road-trip.

There she was, 5 foot 3,

A picture of my mother’s mother.

She showed me love

And all the ways of God.

Her final days were spent in bed,

Then she passed away.

I won’t forget her smiling face

When she left us that night.

But I still miss you.

All the times we spent together

To hear you talk about the weather.

I always prayed you’d get well soon.

I wish my prayers came true.

I know that Jesus has the answer.

And He’s way bigger than the cancer in you.

But I still miss you.[76]

The next four vignettes are letters that our kids wrote a day or two after they watched their mom die. My note to Ann concludes this chapter.

.

Indescribable

By Matt, age 12

Mom, it is indescribable how much I miss you already. The presence of your love and kindness was so powerful and now it is gone. I miss the hugs and laughs we shared together. I can’t imagine how life will continue to be while you’re gone. Everywhere we go there will be an empty space, from the big things like annually going to Colorado, to the small things like seeing you pick me up after school. I used to see you lying on the couch and now I look and no one is there. I’ll never forget seeing you in the stands cheering me on in my basketball games. I’ll miss hearing you get mad at the refs. You won’t be there for the games any more, or to see me graduate, get married, or hold my kids.

________________________

Everywhere we go there

will be an empty space.

________________________

But you were there to hang out with me, such as taking me to Sonic after school or visiting the zoo for a field trip. You took me to the mall and to restaurants. We hung out as a family and watched movies. You persevered and fought a rough battle with cancer. You cared, loved and provided for your family. Everyone loved you and you loved them. Also God was your priority because you knew that only the faith of your family and friends would heal you. You also lived a strong Christian life and would spread the Word with your great personality. This is what made you such a great, loving, caring mom and person.

I love you, Mom.

Matt

.

Just Like You

By Hannah, age 14

Mom, there are not enough words to describe what you meant to me. You were a loving, caring, kind, and wonderful mother. I loved to shop with you at our favorite stores like Kohl’s and Payless Shoes. I always enjoyed learning how to cook with you. I will miss the first day of school pictures and hiking with you in Colorado. You always encouraged my goals, no matter how crazy or farfetched they were. Dad and you were usually in the stands supporting me whenever I played my sports. You guys sat in the pews when I sang in our church choir, and always came to my piano recitals. Mom, I will miss you being there every day after school waiting to pick me up.

I will miss the little things like these, but I will also miss the big things like having a mom, and your beautiful smile and warm hug. I already miss saying good night to you every night. You were always there for me whenever I needed someone to talk to or cry with. I looked forward to our Bible study and you teaching me how to become and stay a pure person. I wish we could have finished it because you always gave me good advice.

________________________

You taught me that

no matter what I go through

I should never quit

praying or believing God.

_________________________

Many people have said that I look just like you; I only hope that I can act like you too. I want to be as selfless as you and put God first just like you did. I want to support my future kids just like you supported me. I loved the way you were able to always care for your family and friends, and put them and God above yourself no matter how good or bad you were feeling. I know that you loved me deeply and I love you. You are my hero, becauseyou strongly and bravely fought cancer for two years, not for yourself, but so that you could be here with us. By fighting and not quitting, you taught me that no matter what I go through I should never quit praying or believing in God.

I thank God for giving me such a wonderful mother even though the time was so short. I know you wanted to see me grow up and still be here for me. You will always be remembered, Mom, because your life will be lived through me.

I love you, Mom.

Hannah

.

Selfless Love

By Drew, age 18

Mom, the pain I’m feeling right now will never be fully gone and neither will the longing to be with you just one last time. I could never imagine what life would be like without you but now I’m forced to do more than imagine. You won’t be here when I graduate in a month and you won’t be here to take me to college in three. You won’t be here to take part in my wedding or hold your grandchildren as you so desired.

Yet, we can be thankful for the time that God did give to us. You were definitely there when I was born and you were there on my first day of elementary school, junior high and high school. You were here for all of my high school dances and made sure I had my pants high enough.

________________________

I could never imagine

what life would be like

without you but now I’m

forced to do more than imagine.

_________________________

In the time we had, you taught me many valuable lessons. The way in which you handled the cancer astounds me and all who knew you. Your faith was incredibly strong and inspired my own. Your servant’s heart never changed through the past two years and as a result I know truly what it means to love selflessly. Before you were diagnosed you served your husband and children without regard for your own desires and needs. After you were diagnosed you did the same. Your love never changed and I will greatly miss it.

I will also miss your laugh, your smile, and even your reprimanding looks after I had done something stupid. Yet, I will see all of these things in a later day and until then you will be greatly missed by all.

I love you, Mom.

Drew

.

But Not Yet

By Paul, age 20

Mom, words cannot express how much I miss you. The void that has been left from your passing is, at times, unbearable and unreal. I find myself missing you and thinking of everything that I will miss you at as life continues on without you in our midst. I think of my college graduation, my wedding or my first child. I think of not hearing your laugh, seeing your smile or feeling your hugs. I will miss not being able to talk to you to get advice on dating “Weffi.” I will miss not being able to see you around the house, or eating your chicken enchiladas that everyone loved so much. I will miss the birthdays you won’t be there for, or the vacations that won’t be as wonderful without you there. I don’t know how anything will ever be the same again without you around or with us.

__________________________

It is hard to think that this is

the greatest wound of all,

and one which your laugh,

smile or hugs cannot heal.

_________________________

But to only think of what you will not be here for is wrong and unfair to you, and all that you did and were to your family and friends. Instead, I will try to remember everything you were here for. My high school graduation, all the proms and homecomings and taking me to college. I will remember the times you did laugh, the times when your beautiful smile brightened my day, and the times when the warmth of your hug would heal the scabs and wounds, real and figurative, that life left on my body and heart. It is hard to think that this is the greatest wound of all, and one which your laugh, smile or hugs cannot solve, heal or take away.

Remembering

Still, I will remember the advice you did give, the way you taught me to love and treat women and all people in general. I will remember all the wonderful times we had, like the time you were thrown out of my basketball game for being too adamant about your displeasure with the refs. I will remember the way you always took care of your husband and kids before you even thought of yourself, even while you were sick. I will remember the beautiful, loving woman you were, the lives you touched, the way you loved, the wisdom you shared, and the faith you passed on.

Thank you for always loving us selflessly and whole heartedly. You taught me how to live and serve others and God and love Him above all else. Through your relationship with Dad, I learned the commitment, service, love and fun that are required for a healthy marriage.

__________________________

I will see you again someday.

But not yet.

First, I will run the race

that has been set before me.

_________________________

You showed me the service and selflessness of parenthood and taught me the grace and love of a perfect mother. You fought so long because all you wanted was to watch us grow up with Dad and be there for us as we get married and have kids. You never thought of yourself. Ever.

You are dearly missed and life will always be emptier without you. The void your passing leaves will never be filled. The wounds, although they may grow smaller, will never fully heal without your loving touch. I love you and will see you again someday. But not yet. First, I will run the race that has been set before me, living the faith the way you taught me and showed me: loving God and others and living for Him above all else.

I love you, Mom.

Paul

.

A Heated Discussion

By Howard

Ann, I love you. I’m crushed and broken. I can’t believe how much I miss you already. On Saturday when I was making funeral arrangements, I looked into the kitchen and nearly asked, “Hey Ann. What do you think?” Yesterday, I bought a suit and you weren’t there to match my ties. I was out running an errand this morning and reached for my cell phone to ask you for directions. I’ve silently started using a new acronym—WWMD. “What Would Mom Do?” I am truly lost without you.

You are my trusted confidant, the only one with whom I can be truly honest. You are my partner, often agreeing to my crazy ideas. You were willing to live in a yurt in Mongolia when I asked you to marry me. You consented to moving to Dallas, painfully leaving family and friends, so I could attend seminary. You are my completer. You reminded me when you needed a date. You challenged me to stop working or studying so I could spend time with our kids. You often encouraged me to show mercy or to be more patient, reminding me to let our kids be kids. You kept me grounded while in seminary, so I didn’t become more of a nerd. You are my best friend.

______________________

If we had to do it

all over again,

we would still pray

and trust God to deliver.

_______________________

Thank you for pleading with God after our three miscarriages. He gave us Hannah and Matt. Thank you for pleading with God after being diagnosed with incurable cancer. We asked for twenty years. He gave us two. Thank you for pleading with me to pray for physical healing. Your desire was to “err on the side of faith,”[77] trusting God to do the impossible. An hour before you went to heaven you asked, “Are you still praying?” and then softly smiled.

I still believe that God physically heals in answer to prayer. That is what his Word says. If we had do it all over again, we would still pray and trust God to deliver.

Injustice

You always hated injustice, whether in movies or at the soccer field or on the basketball court. You hated the fact that incurable cancer had invaded our lives. We had worked so hard to keep our marriage healthy during seminary. You hated the fact that death might destroy it. We intentionally sacrificed so you could be a stay-at-home mom. You hated the fact that cancer might rob you of this privilege. You poured your life into Paul, Drew, Hannah and Matt. You hated the fact that you wouldn’t get to see the fruit of our labors. You wanted to grow old with me, be there for our kids, and hold your grandchildren. You weren’t being selfish. You were just being you—a godly wife and mother.

_____________________

You fought to delay

the glories of heaven

because you wanted to be a wife,

mom and grandma.

______________________

Perhaps God has already explained the “why” behind all of this to you. I imagine that was a heated discussion. But I know that he is a gracious and patient father. He probably just gently held you in his arms while you kicked and screamed. He certainly wouldn’t kick you out like that blind basketball referee.

I’ve concluded, as I’ve mulled over things in our empty bed, that your tenacious fight was your final gift to me and to Matt, Hannah, Drew and Paul. You fought to delay the glories of heaven because you wanted to be a wife, mom and grandma. We will miss you but we will never doubt your love for us.

I love you, Ann.

Howard

.

Chapter 5:

Wrestling with Death

Death had pinned me to the mat and I couldn’t move, so I didn’t write much in the year that followed Ann’s premature death. I didn’t have much to say and I didn’t have the emotional energy to write. The half dozen letters and emails that I did write are reproduced in this last section. My final email was sent out on the day prior to the first anniversary of her death.

________________________

Death had pinned me,

but it hadn’t destroyed me.

________________________

Death had pinned me, but it hadn’t destroyed me. I began to study about the New Earth and our bodily resurrection and found great comfort in that future hope. Ironically, God burned the “reality of the resurrection” into my heart through Ann’s death, rather than through her physical healing.

.

The Support of Friends

11/9/2008

I wrote this letter, about six months after Ann died, to our close friends in our home Bible study group, to thank them for carrying us during the last two and one-half years.

Thank you for the love, support and prayers during the two years that Ann had cancer and the six months since her death. It’s hard to stay angry at God because he has repeatedly shown us his love through his people, especially through you in our LifeGroup. Here are some of the ways in which you have been God’s arms of comfort during our storm:

-                    By praying for physical healing even when doctors never gave us any basis for hope.

-                    By bringing meals three times per week for two and a half years.

-                    By being there at the hospital in her last hours, encouraging her to go be with Jesus.

-                    By cleaning our house on the day of the memorial service.

-                    By providing flowers for the service, bringing beauty to the darkness.

-                    By planning and participating in Ann’s memorial, sharing treasured portraits of her life.

-                    By painting our kitchen, fixing the garage door, patching my leaky roof and replacing mini-blinds in two rooms.

-                    By being a mom to our kids, especially at Drew’s graduation, Matt’s sleepovers, and Hannah’s first Homecoming.

-                    By going out for dessert, giving me a chance to vent, cry and discuss the New Earth.

-                    By praying for our comfort so we wouldn’t lose hope after Ann’s death.

The New Earth

I’ve been reading about the “New Earth” (the eternal heaven) in order to attempt to come to grips with Ann’s death. I now believe that after the Resurrection we’ll live in physical bodies on a renewed earth and will enjoy friendships and activities that are truly human.

My relationship with Ann has not been severed, but only interrupted.I will see her again and know her and we will be best friends forever. Death will be abolished and no longer able to separate us.

I also believe that we’ll have LifeGroup reunions. We’ll remember and recount the ways in which we all encouraged each other during tough times and celebrated life together when times were good. In fact it’s possible that the most treasured “crown” that we’ll receive at judgment (1 Thessalonians 2:9) is a special depth of relationship with others on the New Earth, a depth based on the love and sacrifice shown in this life.

________________________

My relationship with Ann

has not been severed,

but only interrupted.

________________________

If this is indeed my future, then I’ll deal with the pain and grief of my present. If this is indeed our future, then I look forward to the depth of our friendships on the New Earth.

.

The Encouragement

of Family

12/17/2008

I wrote this letter to Ann’s cousins who had sent a memorial gift after Ann died.

Thank you for the love, cards, gifts and prayers during the two years that Ann fought cancer and the seven months since she went to heaven. Thank you specifically for the large gift this summer. We had a good, but difficult time on our annual hiking trip to Rocky Mountain National Park. The majesty and beauty of the mountains was mingled with the pain and grief of Ann’s absence.

I’ve not had any “mystical” experiences during our storm where God has overwhelmed me with his love or comfort. Yet, I haven’t really questioned his love, nor am I able to stay angry at him, because he has repeatedly demonstrated his love through the kindnesses of his people. Thank you for being his arms and hands to comfort us.

Two Cousins

I’d like to share two episodes as examples of how the Yarnell cousins were a tremendous encouragement to us in our journey.

One highlight was breakfast with Roger[78] and Teresa in Houston. One of our trips to M.D. Anderson for chemotherapy coincided with one of Roger’s visits for a checkup. We had a nice breakfast at Le Peeps and got caught up with each other. Roger encouraged us with his story, how God had sustained him through the painful radiation treatments and surgeries. He then made a ridiculous statement. He said that if he had the choice to do it over, he would not choose to avoid his trial of cancer. The pain and suffering brought a dependency on Jesus that he wouldn’t have otherwise experienced. I’m not yet ready to make the same statement, but I am beginning to understand what he’s talking about.

_____________________

If he had the choice

to do it over,

he would not choose

to avoid his trial of cancer.

______________________

Another highlight was a comment that Steve made to us sometime after Ann’s diagnosis, perhaps at a Yarnell reunion. He told us that he was praying harder for Ann than for anyone he had ever prayed for. We were overwhelmed with gratitude and we knew that God was at work. While Ann was still alive, this gave us hope to persevere in our prayers for physical healing. After Ann went to heaven, this gave me assurance that her death wasn’t my fault. Steve and hundreds of others had passionately prayed for Ann’s deliverance from cancer. Yet, God said “No” for reasons known only to him at this time. Ann didn’t die because there was a lack of prayer.

Future Reunions

Ann loved her extended family and cherished the memories of Sunday dinners at Grandma Yarnell’s as well as the Yarnell reunions. Moving to Dallas eleven years ago so we could attend seminary was deeply painful for Ann. She missed her family and grieved for a year over the loss of relationship. Certainly, her greatest longing now is that all of her cousins join her someday at the resurrection so that these relationships will continue forever on the New Earth. Belief and reliance on what Christ has done for us on the cross is all that is required to receive this free gift.

Thanks again for the gift and especially for the continued prayers. Ann’s absence will be particularly tough this Christmas.

John 5:24

“I tell you the solemn truth, the one who hears my message and believes the one who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned, but has crossed over from death to life” (NET).

1 John 5:13

“I have written these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life” (NET).

.

Chucking the Faith?

01/02/2009

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

It’s been eight months since Ann went to heaven. We’ve survived Mother’s Day, Ann’s birthday, Drew’s graduation and our annual hiking trip to Colorado; Drew’s leaving for college, Hannah’s first day of high school, Matt’s first day of middle school; our twenty-third anniversary, Paul’s twenty-first birthday, Hannah’s first homecoming; Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years; and everything in between.

C. S. Lewis wrote these apt words after his wife, Joy, died of cancer,

“Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.”[79]

Thank you for the cards, emails and voice mails. Most have been left unanswered. I’m not unappreciative; I just haven’t had the energy or words to respond.

____________________

It’s only a white lie

when I reply,

“We’re surviving.”

____________________

It’s difficult to know how to reply briefly to a “How are you doing?” inquiry. On the one hand I’d like to recite the unspoken thoughts, recorded by Max Lucado, of a father whose fourteen-year-old son was killed by a stray bullet. What he wanted to say was,

“How do you think we are doing? Our son is dead, our life is miserable, and I wish the world would end.”[80]

On the other hand, it’s only a white lie when I reply, “We’re surviving,” to friends after worship on Sunday mornings. Even though the pain and grief, shock and loneliness is intense, we are functioning. I’ve been able to get out of bed and go to work. The kids are doing well in school. We haven’t turned to alcohol or drugs or sex to mask the pain.[81] We are still choosing to walk with the Lord.

Big XII List:

The following “Big XII List” summarizes the reasons, looking back, as to why I haven’t chucked the Christian faith as a result of Ann’s death from cancer. This list is in no particular order, although first and last pairs are probably the most significant.

12. Prayers. Over one hundred and fifty people emailed us on that Thursday, the day before Ann died, confirming that they would continue to pray for her physical healing. Several were still praying a week later because they hadn’t received the news of her death. This knowledge has spared me the pain and guilt of falsely thinking that that her death resulted from a lack of prayer. In addition, many of you have confirmed that you are still praying for the kids and me. I can’t quantify or prove it, but I know your prayers have sustained us through the pain. Few of us, if any, truly understand the impact of those prayers. We’ll know in That Day (1 Corinthians 13:12)[82] and I’ll humbly thank you again.

11.               Kindnesses. Gifts and cards, meals and gift cards, letters and phone calls. It’s difficult to stay angry at God because he has repeatedly shown us his love through the kind acts of his people.

10.               Hiking. I took Hannah and Matt on a quick trip to Red River, New Mexico, in June. At the end of July we returned to Rocky Mountain National Park for our annual family hiking trip. The magnificence of the mountains makes it difficult to persist in questioning the existence of God. Their magnitude reminds us that he is God and we are not. The unspoiled beauty is a shadow of the indescribable landscapes to be found on the renewed Earth.

9.              24-Hour Fitness. I joined a fitness club a few days after returning from Ann’s funeral. It gave me something to be obsessive about that didn’t require emotional energy. It has helped me to sweat out the stress and grief. It has kept my heart from clogging up again from the mass quantities of comfort food that I’m indulging in. (Fortunately, the report from my cardiologist a few weeks ago was excellent.)

8.               Co-workers. Even though time is often a person’s most important commodity, co-workers from Tribridge (www.tribridge.com) sacrificed over 300 hours of their own vacation time to provide me with additional time off. As a result I was able to delay returning to work until the first week of August. I’ve also been able to effectively work part-time most weeks, using the remaining vacation time to fill in the hours that I lack. It would be impossible to overstate the impact that this had on my being able to help reorientate the kids to life without Ann and to grieve in a healthy way.

7.               Our LifeGroup. Many from our home Bible study were in Ann’s ICU room during her last hours—praying, crying and encouraging Ann to go to be with Jesus. Several planned and participated in Ann’s memorial service, sharing treasured portraits of her life. One arranged for meals to be brought in several times per week for the last two and a half years. They painted our kitchen, replaced some mini-blinds and fixed my garage door when we were in Iowa for Ann’s funeral. Various moms have stepped in to be a mom to our kids at key events during this painful year. I really wonder if we could have survived without the love and care of these friends in our Life Group.

6.               Dave and Jim. We’ve consumed a lot of Diet Coke and dessert together these last eight months. I’ve been able to honestly share my story, and they’ve graciously listened. According to experts on grieving, sharing one’s story is one of the most important factors for grieving in a healthy manner and becoming reoriented after the death of a loved one.

5.               My iPod. I started listening to an iPod during Ann’s chemo treatments to help me block out hospital noise while I tried to get in a few hours of work. Over the last two and a half years, it has become my primary means of keeping perspective and grieving. The artists affirm faith and articulate grief when I’m often not able to. I’m able to persevere in my story as I listen to theirs. These titles tell a story in themselves.

-                    I Still Miss You, I Still Believe, I Will Not be Moved, I Can Only Imagine.

-                    Held, Hold, Hanging On, Still, Storm, Breathe, Crawl, Anyway.

-                    Broken Heart, Never Alone, My Deliverer, Deliver Me, Bring it On, One Day at a Time, Hide My Soul.

-                    God is In Control, God is God, God is With Us, Faithful God, In You.

-                    Stand in the Rain, Beauty in the Pain, Oceans from the Rain, Cry on My Shoulder.

-                    With Hope, Our Hope Endures, My Hope is in You, Faith Like That, Walk by Faith.

-                    You Are My King, You are My Rock, You are My Stronghold, You are God Alone.

-        Save A Place for Me, More than You’ll Ever Know, When We See Glory, No More Pain, Homesick, Glory Baby, Come to Jesus, He’s Alive, Thank You.

-        Praise You in This Storm, Praise You with the Dance.

-        Blessed Be Your Name, How Great is Our God.

4.               My Mom. Her little brother died before his first birthday. Her mom died of cancer. She has experienced grief first hand and she observed her dad as he grieved the death of his only son and his beloved wife. She has shown great empathy and she’s willing to bring up the subject that many avoid. I’ve developed a new sense of respect and appreciation for her these last months.

3.               My Promise. I publically promised in a sermon in August 2007, that I would continue to serve the Lord, whether God physically healed Ann or allowed her to die of angiosarcoma. I feel compelled to make good on that promise.

2.               God’s Character. Two fundamental questions, that we’ve asked over and over, are “Does God Exist?” and “Is God Good?” If the biblical record is true, then we can resolutely answer these two questions in the affirmative. If it is not true, then what else do we have? And since I believe it is true, I will align my theology with that record, rather than the pain of my circumstances.

1.               The New Earth. I’ve been studying about the “New Earth” (the eternal heaven) in order to attempt to make sense out of Ann’s premature death. I now believe that after the Resurrection we’ll live in physical bodies on a renewed earth. We will not be disembodied spirits (or angels), but will be fully human and we’ll enjoy human friendships and activities. Thus, my relationship with Ann has not been extinguished, but only interrupted. One day Ann will introduce us to our three babies who were miscarried and we’ll introduce Ann to her grandkids. Then we’ll enjoy adventures on the New Earth in places like Colorado, Monterey, Alaska and Mongolia. Selfishness and irritability will never mar our relationship. Time constraints will never be a frustration. Neither cancer nor death will ever separate us again.

_____________________________

One day Ann will introduce us to

our three miscarried babies and we’ll

introduce Ann to her grandkids.

_____________________________

We visited Ann’s grave in Iowa a few days before Christmas. I read these words from Max Lucado (slightly paraphrased) as tears ran down my checks into the snow.

“When you drop your kids off at school, do you weep as though you’ll never see them again? When you drop your spouse at the store and park the car, do you bid a final forever farewell? No. When you say, ‘I’ll see you soon,’ you mean it.

When you stand in the cemetery and stare down Ann’s frozen headstone and promise, “I’ll see you soon,” you speak truth. Reunion is a splinter of an eternal moment away.

There is no need for you ‘to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope’ (1 Thess. 4:13).”[83]

I tenaciously cling to hope in my suffocating grief. Hope that I will see Ann again. Hope that my relationship with her is only interrupted and not terminated. Hope that God’s justice will make it all right.

__________________________

I tenaciously cling to hope

in my suffocating grief.

Hope that God’s justice

will make it all right.

_________________________

Revelation 21:1-4

“Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea.

I saw the Holy City, the New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying,

‘Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them.

They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes.

There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away’” (emphasis mine).

Dream Lake, July 2008

.

The Gift of Co-workers

I wrote this tardy letter to my co-workers, about a year after I returned to work, because they generously transferred their vacation hours to my account, so I could have additional time off to regroup from Ann’s death.

Thank each of you for the gift of PTO hours that you generously contributed after Ann’s death a year ago last May. Time is more important than money to many of us, so I truly appreciate the depth of your sacrifice.

This email is long overdue though I have thought about what I would say numerous times. It seems that the available time and the emotional energy to write never quite coincided.

I did mention Tribridge in my Christmas letter this last January as one of the “Top Ten” reasons that I hadn’t chucked the Christian faith after Ann’s death from cancer. Here’s what I wrote:

“Even though time is often a person’s most important commodity, co-workers from Tribridge (www.Tribridge.com) sacrificed over three hundred hours of their own vacation time to provide me with additional time off. As a result I was able to delay returning to work until the first week of August. I’ve also been able to effectively work part-time most weeks, using the remaining vacation time to fill in the hours that I lack.

It would be impossible to overstate the impact that this had on my being able to help re-orientate the kids to life without Ann and to grieve in a healthy way.”[84]

I somewhat randomly joined Tribridge in March 2006. A few months later I had a heart attack (unrelated to working at Tribridge) and shortly thereafter learned that Ann had aggressive, incurable cancer. I don’t believe that our family would have survived these last three and a half years, if I had been working for a company less committed to its employees. I am grateful for supportive management and encouraging co-workers.

_________________________

We are rebuilding our lives

and learning to live with the

pain of Ann’s amputation from us.

__________________________

Amputation

A Grace Disguised is an excellent book on loss, which I’m reading now when I can steal away for a few moments. The author compares loss—whether through death or divorce, loss of health or loss of job, or countless other reasons—to amputation. He writes,

“Can anyone really expect to recover from such tragedy, considering the value of what was lost and the consequences of that loss? Recovery is a misleading and empty expectation. We recover from broken limbs, not amputations.

Catastrophic loss by definition precludes recovery. It will transform us or destroy us, but it will never leave us the same.”[85]

We’ve not “gotten over” Ann’s death, but we are rebuilding our lives and learning to live with the pain and loss of her amputation from us. The gift of your vacation time, as well as the supportive and encouraging culture, was a significant factor in why we are being transformed rather than destroyed by our loss.

.

Two Storms

By Paul, age 22

This vignette, which was written by Paul about a year and a half after Ann’s death, paints a vivid picture of the storms that pressed against my son.

I was sitting against a wall in a small room crammed with two hundred other college students. We were all huddled down in the basement of our dorm listening to the sirens outside as we waited for the storm to pass. It was one of the worst storms that part of the country had experienced in over a decade.

But the storm raging outside was nothing compared to the one inside of me. The thunder only served to waken me from my state of shock. As thunder and lightning tore over the small town of Siloam Springs, I sat in the basement of that dorm room wrestling with God.

I was wrestling with God and questioning his goodness. I wrestled with him in anger, fear, and hopelessness. Earlier that day I received a call from my dad, a call that I had spent the previous two years of my life hoping and praying would never take place. The call from my dad was to tell me that my mom had less than two months to live.That night,[86] as I stood in the basement trapped and hiding from the tornadoes outside, my dad called me again to tell me the doctors were now not sure if my mom would make it through the night.

As I listened to my dad tell me that I needed to leave as soon as I could and make the five-hour journey home to say goodbye, I fell to the ground shocked. I was trapped in a basement of my dormitory. There was no way I could get home. As I sat in the darkness of that basement, with my dad on the phone praying to God that my mom would not die before I could see her one last time, I raged in my heart and soul against the God of heaven and earth and wrestled with him questioning his goodness and his plan.

How Could He?

I did not understand how he could let her die. What had my mom done? In a world full of mothers who abandon ormurder their children, why did my mom, who spent the last twenty-one years of her life doing nothing but loving and serving her family, deserve to die? What had my two little brothers and my sister done to deserve having to walk through the rest of their childhood without their mom? Why would God allow her to die when my parents’ dream was to go serve Him in Mongolia establishing a Bible college in a country that had none?

Why would God say no to our prayers and let her die while thousands of people from all over the world prayed fervently for two years that God would restore her body and heal the cancer that doctors told us she had no hope of overcoming? Why did God choose to let her die when her one desire was to live for him and bring glory to his name? Why had God given us the hope of healing only a month earlier, when the doctors told us they thought the cancer might have been killed by the chemo, if he knew she would only die a month later? Why?

Brutal Void

When my mom was first diagnosed with cancer, you can imagine it was a very hard time for my family. Unless you’ve faced a similar situation, there really is no way to truly understand the hopelessness that overwhelms you. Up until that point, my family had a relatively peaceful history. To some extent, it wasn’t that far off from a “Brady Bunch” existence.Of course like any family we had our troubled times and we were by no means perfect, but we had never faced anything as threatening to our family as when my mom was diagnosed with stage IV angiosarcoma of the spleen.

Thinking back to that day, standing in a room with her closest friends and family as we watched her slowly pass away, still crushes me. The brutal severity of the void left by her death still leaves me broken and lost. I found that the hardest part of losing someone you love is all of the things that are left undone.All the birthdays, holidays, special events like my brother’s high school graduation, my sister’s first high school homecoming, and my parents wedding anniversaries are some of the hardest days for my family to face. Any days or events that would normally be a time of celebration, now only serve as a reminder of the absence of her presence and the void left in our family because of her death.

__________________________

Events that would normally

be a time of celebration,

now only serve as a

reminder of the void

left because of her death.

_________________________

Day to day living is a completely, confusing experience. Going to a restaurant to eat as a family and telling the hostess you need a table for six only to realize that mom is not there, and only five will be sitting down to eat is disorienting. Hearing exciting news that you want to share with someone but forgetting she is not there when you pull out your cell phone to call her, or realizing I can never talk to her again this side of heaven.

My brothers and sister will not be able to see her proud smile as they graduate high school. I will not be able to dance with her at my wedding. None of her grandchildren will ever even know what a wonderful person she was, and how she prayed daily during her two year battle with cancer that God would heal her so that she could meet her grandkids and tell them “there is nothing our God cannot do.”

My dad will not be able to grow old with his bestfriend and share the joys of seeing their kids grow up and start families of their own. Death has left my family shattered and broken. Our family’s portrait has been destroyed and we have been left with the task of repainting the picture without her in it. And all the while we still struggle to understand God’s goodness and his plan.

Wrestling

I wrestled with God over the past one and a half years since her death and still don’t have the answers to many of my questions. They have wrenched my heart and my soul as I have wept, fought, cursed, hated, and praised the God who spoke the universe into existence and yet did not lift a finger to save my mom. And the truth is I will probably never know any of the answers to the “whys” that have plagued my mind for the last several years. And although time has begun to partially heal the wounds that death has inflicted, they will never fully dissipate.

Stories like mine that are full of pain and heartache are not at all uncommon. In fact, the opposite is true. We look at the world around us—full of death, divorce, disease, and all matter of darkness—and we struggle with the fact that the overwhelming evidence seems to scream that there is much more evil in the world than good. And with all the evil things happening in this world, how can God still be good? How can we trust him?

.

Where is Hope? – Part 1

04/19/2009

We returned from one of our regular trips to M.D. Anderson about a year ago last week, hopeful that the new chemo plan would continue to keep Ann afloat in her cancerous sea. We celebrated Matt’s twelfth birthday a few days later (April 11th), quietly hopeful that Ann would live to know our grandkids. She died three weeks later (May 2nd).

A thousand words would picture our living in the shadow of Ann’s death:

unjust, premature, pointless, hopeless,

shock, fog, chaos,

disorientation, separation,

pain, loneliness, emptiness,

doubts, anger, brokenness, regret, guilt, grief, pain,

heartache, tears, weeping…

Three words are the most graphic.

Devastation

A few months back I asked Hannah what words came to mind when she thought of death. “Devastation” was her first reply, a word that had dominated my thinking as well. It seems to signify both the destruction and the hopelessness caused by Ann’s death. Everything normal about our lives—meals and car pools, birthdays and vacations, ball games and worship services—was decimated.

________________________

Everything normal about

our lives was decimated.

________________________

Robbery

Max Lucado wrote the following in Facing Your Giants,

“Bereavement comes from the word reave. Look up reave in the dictionary, and you’ll read ‘to take away by force, plunder, rob.’

“Death robs you. The grave plunders moments and memories not yet shared: birthdays, vacations, lazy walks, talks over tea. You are bereaved because you’ve been robbed.”[87]

Ann was robbed of growing old with me, of being a mom to Paul, Drew, Hannah and Matt, and of ever knowing her grandkids. She never had a “peace” about her death from cancer, though she had every confidence that she would immediately be in the indescribable presence of Jesus Christ. As any mother might, she fought death’s intrusion as long as she could. She even asked if I was still praying for physical healing, just an hour or sobefore she saw Jesus face to face.

I was robbed of my best friend, confidant, and complement, even though we had intentionally trekked through seminary slowly in order to keep our marriage healthy. I find that decision making is tough now, not just because of grief, but because I no longer have her input. I miss everything about Ann, even the things that used to irk me. Frankly, I am sickened by those who have willfully tossed away their spouses; I had no choice in the matter.

The kids were robbed of their mom, even though we had intentionally sacrificed so that Ann could be a stay-at-home mom. The remainder of Hannah’s and Matt’s childhood will have an irreplaceable void, though many moms have (and will) graciously stepped in for key events like Matt’s surprise thirteenth birthday party last week. Every future event in the lives of our four kids—graduations, marriages, births of our grandchildren, ministry successes and failures—will be marred by the robbery of Ann’s death.

Death stole David’s only sister and Lois’ only daughter. A mom should never have to bury a child. (Ann’s dad Pete made out the best; he’s with her now in Paradise.)

Laurie, Joan and Shayne are stripped of every prospectfor having coffee or shopping with Ann, deprived of all future discussions with her about raising kids. Neither Diane nor Marilyn nor Wanda will ever be able to “soul slosh” with Ann. No friend will ever be allowed to pick up the phone just to say, “Hi.”

Death even stole our future and our dreams. Ann and I will never mentor young couples in Dallas; we will never encourage pastors and their wives in Mongolia. We will never take an Alaskan cruise; we will never return to the coast at Monterey. Ann won’t be here to help plan Hannah’s wedding; Ann will never hold her grandkids. The long-anticipated freedom of our empty nest has morphed into a dread of my future loneliness.

Irreversible

Probably the most suffocating aspect of Ann’s death is that it is absolutely and utterly irreversible. There’s no rewind button. There’s no opportunity to say “I’m sorry” for the times we argued over stupid stuff. There’s no option for reshuffling priorities. There’s no chance to say “I love you” one more time.

I find myself constantly wanting to call Ann on her cell phone, especially when I’m in traffic on the way home from work. I want to talk about my day or let her know what I’ve been studying in my spare time. I want to tell her about the kids’lives, like Paul’s upcoming internship, Drew’s first year of college, Hannah’s voice recital, and Matt’s basketball games. It often seems like she’s just away on a trip so a phone call is the most natural thing. But… there’s no cell coverage in the grave.

_______________________

There’s no opportunity

to say “I’m sorry”

for the times we argued

over stupid stuff.

_______________________

Friends often ask, “What can we do to help?” I’ve told the truth a few times when I said, “You can’t help. You can’t give us the one thing we really need.” Even those who love us most are utterly helpless when it comes to giving us just one more second together. It’s impossible.

Doctors were incapable of preventing Ann’s death; they are certainly powerless to bring her back from the grave. They gave us no hope for a cure; they can’t even try to give us hope for one additional minute of life now.

Death is permanent, final and irreversible.

Where is Hope?

The last six weeks were tough. Drew, Matt and I each had our birthdays without Ann, completing our family’s first cycle. The next month will be even tougher. The anniversary of Ann’s death (5/2), Mother’s Day (5/10) and Ann’s birthday (5/17) will all hit us pretty hard.

____________________

Death is permanent,

final and irreversible.

____________________

Where is hope in light of the devastation, robbery and finality of Ann’s death? In a word—Resurrection.

John 11:25-26

“I am the resurrection and the life.

He who believes in me will live, even though he dies.

And whoever lives and believes in me will never die.

Do you believe this?” (emphasis mine)

.

Where is Hope? – Part 2

5/01/2009

My friend Greg came over the other Saturday evening to watch the Dallas Mavericks win their first road playoff game in over a century. He asked me two questions. The first was, “How are you doing?” He assured me that he wanted an honest answer, so I told him my day had been fairly rotten. After talking about that a bit, he asked a second question, which was, “How do you cope?” We were interrupted by Dave and Jim’s arrival so I didn’t have a chance to answer him that night.

If you’ve also been wondering how I cope with the devastation, robbery and finality of Ann’s death, then this email should paint an adequate picture of my hope.

But first, a question. If you could celebrate Easter anywhere in the world, where would you choose to celebrate it? Why?

Paul’s Beef

I had always assumed that the apostle Paul wrote the fifteenth chapter of his first letter to the Corinthians in order to convince the believers there that Jesus Christ had indeed risen from the dead. I came to a different conclusion a few months back when I was helping Matt with a paper for his Bible class.

Paul certainly did wish to emphasize the certainty of Christ’s resurrection (15:5-8). The phrase “he appeared” is repeated four times and supplies proof of his resurrection, just as the phrase “he was buried” is proof of his death. Peter and James, the Twelve, and all the other apostles including Paul were all eye witnesses of Jesus’ literal and physical resurrection from the dead. Of great significance is the fact that over five hundred men saw the resurrected Jesus in a single event (15:6a). Of even greater significance is the fact that most of these men were still alive when Paul crafted his letter (15:6b). Skeptics were free to interview every one of them.

But the reality of Christ’s resurrection was not Paul’s primary objection with the Corinthians. They had received and believed Paul’s preaching; they stood firm in it and were thus saved by it (15:1-2, 11). The problem was that they were Greek.

A Good Greek

I’ve been digesting N.T. Wright’s 800-page brief, The Resurrection of the Son of God. Key thoughts from an early chapter on the ancient world include:

-                    Greeks, like most ancient cultures, firmly believed in “life after death.”[88]

-                    The soul existed before the body and would continue to exist after the body was gone. It was innately immortal.[89]

-                    The soul was the true person. It was set free from “the prison-house” of the physical body through death.[90]

-                    The road to the place of the dead was a one-way street. No one ever returned.[91]

-                    This place was not a place of gloom, but a “far better place” to be.[92]

As I’ve restudied the Bible this year in light of Ann’s death, I’ve concluded that my image of heaven and my theology of life after death had been rooted more deeply in Platonism than in God’s Word.

Life after Death?

“Life after death” is not the goal of the Christian faith. As heretical as it may sound, our ultimate hope is not in “going to heaven when we die,” as awesome as that was for Ann and will be for us.

Our ultimate hope is the resurrection of our bodies. And by definition “resurrection” is not synonymous with “life after death.”

Because Ann relied on Christ’s death as complete payment for her sins, she is alive now and with Jesus Christ in heaven. We can only imagine what she is experiencing in her glorious “life after death.” But, she has not been raised from the dead. She has not been ultimately healed; she is not whole. Certainly her spirit is in heaven, but her body is still in the grave back in Iowa.

__________________________

Our ultimate hope is not in

“going to heaven when we die.”

___________________________

The universal meaning of “resurrection,” beginning with Homer, was “a new embodied life which would follow whatever ‘life after death’ there might be.”[93] Wright intentionally and repeatedly uses the phrase “bodily life after life after death.”[94] Resurrection has always been about physical bodies after a state of death. It was not until the second-century AD, when some Christian writers began to redefine the language, did “resurrection” begin to mean a “state of blissful disembodied immortality.”[95]

Paul’s beef was that some of the Corinthian believers didn’t believe in their own bodily resurrection (15:12). As good Greeks, they couldn’t.

The universal belief concerning “resurrection,” apart from Judaism and Christianity, was that it was impossible. Wright indicates that the ancient world was divided into two camps:[96]

-        Those who said that the resurrection couldn’t happen, though they might have wanted it to, and

-        Those who said they didn’t want it to happen, knowing that it couldn’t anyway.

Paul’s Argument

Paul passionately argues for the certainty of our own bodily resurrection (15:12-19). He hits twice with the same two-fold argument.

13

If there is no resurrection of the dead,

Then not even Christ has been raised.

16

If the dead are not raised,

Then not even Christ has been raised.

14 -

15

If Christ has not been raised,

Then our preaching is vain,

Then your faith is vain,

Then we are false witnesses of God.

17 -

18

If Christ has not been raised,

Then your faith is worthless,

Then you are still in your sins,

Then all who have died in Christ have perished.

Notice that Paul started with the general resurrection, not with Christ’s. The Corinthians believed that Christ had been raised from the dead (15:11). After all, he was the Son of God; he could do anything. However, at least some of the Corinthians could not fathom bodily life after being dead for a time. They probably wouldn’t have wanted it anyway.

______________________

Wright intentionally

uses the phrase

“bodily life after

life after death.”

______________________

Paul was writing to Christians like my Grandpa. I remember a discussion, perhaps at Thanksgiving in his farmhouse’s dining room, in which he indicated he didn’t say “and the resurrection of the body” when reciting the Apostle’s Creed[97] on Sunday mornings. I’ve concluded, as I’ve pondered his hesitation these last months, that he was just being honest with what many of us unwittingly think. If God is spirit and invisible, and if heaven is a spiritual place up in the sky, and if our soul is immortal and our true self, and if our bodies cause us to sin…then how does a bodily resurrection fit in to all that? Paul was writing to Christians who had been subtly influenced by a Greek named Plato.

Paul was writing to correct me.

Resurrection is no longer an essential doctrine for me to believe.

Resurrection is my anchor.

It redefines my future.

It's everything I'm banking on.

It's why I haven't quit.

Resurrection will give us strong, young, healthy bodies, more fit than Michael Phelps.[98] Our minds will always be sharp and our motives always pure. We will have intimacy only dreamed of in this life, with relationships never marred by selfishness or destroyed by separation. We will have unending time to enjoy old friends and make new ones, to remember joys and trials from our present life and to create new adventures in the next one. We will serve and honor Jesus Christ in perfect obedience, never again tempted to sin. We will have life as God originally intended and long ago promised. And this real, physical and truly human life will never end. It’s tough to imagine.[99]

___________________

Resurrection is my anchor.

It’s everything I’m banking on.

____________________

Now here’s a question. Where will we live when we are resurrected with our physical body? Will it be up in heaven or could it be in a place better than heaven?

I Will Rise

I anticipated this year’s Easter worship service like a kid counting the days until Christmas. I knew that our praise band would be leading us in I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin. It would be my chance to publically affirmmy redefined hope in the bodily resurrection.

Tomlin has it right. We have incredible hope…

There’s a peace I’ve come to know

Though my heart and flesh may fail.

There’s an anchor for my soul.

I can sing, “It is well.”

Because of the resurrection of Jesus Christ…

Jesus has overcome

And the grave is overwhelmed.

The victory is won.

He is risen from the dead.

And His resurrection guarantees ours.

And I will rise when he calls my name.

No more sorrow. No more pain.

I will rise on eagle’s wings.

Before my God fall on my knees

And rise. I will rise.[100]

Somewhat mysteriously, there seems to be a big difference between listening to a song on my iPod while sitting at my desk, and singing that song with fellow believers while standing together in public worship of the risen Christ. Though normally more reserved, I felt compelled to raise my handfor perhaps the second time in the last twenty-five years.

____________________

To understand the

true meaning of Easter,

you need to be in a cemetery.

____________________

Easter

If I could go anywhere in the world to celebrate Easter, I would travel back to Iowa, to a small town named Minburn. I would drive a mile west to a hill overlooking the Raccoon River, just a couple miles from where I grew up on my Grandpa’s farm.

Minburn Cemetery

I would visit my Grandpa’s and Grandma’s graves, as well as other relatives in Christ from five generations and proclaim,

“You will rise when he calls your name.”

I would stand over Ann’s grave, like we did at Christmas, and confidently affirm,

“I will see you again.”[101]

To understand the true meaning of Easter, to feel its significance and to appreciate its promise, you really need to be in a cemetery.

Where is Hope?

Ann's death has forced me to come to grips with the reality of the resurrection.

Our resurrection hope reaches into the grave

and overwhelms the devastation of death.

Resurrection will restore what was amputated,

compensate for all that was stolen

and reverse the irreversible.

1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

“Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep [i.e. died], or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope.

We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.

According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep.

After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air.

And so we will be with the Lord forever.

For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first.

Therefore encourage each other with these words.”

.

Appendix:

Heaven Guaranteed?

I recall seeing a t-shirt several years ago, which read something like:

If you go to church,

Say your prayers,

And don’t lie or steal,

When you die, you’ll go

To NEBRASKA.

That t-shirt summarized my theology as a high school senior, except for the ridiculous comparison of Nebraska to heaven. As the movie Field of Dreams proved, Iowa is a much better comparison to heaven than that state on our western border.

I went to church every Sunday, prayed occasionally and hadn’t done anything too terrible to anyone, except to my older brother and little sister. Thus, I naturally assumed that I would go to heaven when I died.

However, I began to question that assumption as the result of numerous discussions with my Advanced Math teacher. My classmates and I were often successful in sidetracking him from math, so he often talked about the Bible during these rabbit trails. (Looking back, I’m not sure who really outsmarted whom.) He described various predictions found in scripture about a future judgment, which caused me to fear participation in those judgments.

On January 27th, 1980, a guest speaker from the Gideon Bible Society, named Gary, gave the message at church. He briefly mentioned prophetic predictions, so my interest was piqued and I spoke with him after the service. Within a few moments, he asked me this question:

“Howard, if you died today, would you go to heaven?”

As you might expect, that question startled me. After thinking for a bit, I responded, “I don’t know. But I want to.”

He then shared four scriptural truths found in the back of his “Gideon” bible.[102]Those truths are reproduced below in a somewhat modified form.

1.        God loves me. “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16).

2.       I am a sinner and separated from God. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Roman 3:23). “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 6:23).

3.       Christ died to pay the penalty for my sins. “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). “God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God” (2 Corinthians 5:21).

4.       I need to trust in Jesus Christ as my Savior and Lord. “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast” (Ephesians 2:8-9). “Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God” (John 1:12).

I was fully aware of the first three truths because my family went to church nearly every Sunday. However, his fourth point was completely new to me. I had never before understood that we had to personally respond to Christ’s priceless gift by acting upon those first three facts. So, right there at the back of the church with others looking on, I expressed my response to Christ’s offer as I prayed a simple prayer with my new friend, Gary. It went something like this:

Lord Jesus, I know that I am a sinner.

Thank you for dying on the cross to pay for my sins.

Please forgive my sins and reign over me.

Let me live in heaven with you when I die.

Amen.

After confirming that I meant what I had just prayed, Gary assured me that I would go to heaven when I died, because I was now completely forgiven and a child of God. He concluded our conversion with this biblical promise and guarantee:

“I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life” (1 John 5:13, emphasis mine).

.

Suggested Resources

The following books were critical for my ability to make sense of our trials, pray for deliverance, maintain my sanity and keep the faith.

Suffering

Dunn, Ronald. When Heaven is Silent: How God Ministers to Us Through the Challenges of Life. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1994. Dunn encourages us to see that God is at work even in the most difficult circumstances. His insight that “good and bad run on parallel tracks and they usually arrive at the same time” (p. 41) is a favorite.

Elliot, Elisabeth. A Path Through Suffering: Discovering the Relationship Between God’s Mercy and Our Pain. Ann Arbor: Servant Publications, 1990. This is a favorite by one of my favorites.

Maillefer, Mark. God in the Storm. Wheaton: Crossway, 2005. Maillefer, speaking from experience and pastoral ministry, describes God’s presence, purpose and provision in our devastating storms.

Tiegreen, Chris. Why a Suffering World Makes Sense. Grand Rapids: Baker, 2006. Tiegreen boldly claims that our sufferings are the “ordained stage for those formerly hidden divine attributes to be displayed” (p. 77). Knowing that suffering manifests God’s character makes all the difference.

Underwood, Ed. When God Breaks Your Heart: Choosing Hope in the Midst of Faith-Shattering Circumstances. Colorado Springs: David Cook, 2008. Against the backdrop of incredible personal suffering, Underwood tackles the dilemma of a God who has the power to do anything, yet chooses not to help.

Winebrenner, Jan. The Grace of Catastrophe: When What You Know About God Is All You Have. Chicago: Moody, 2005. Winebrenner correctly calls us back to the character of God when faced with life’s difficulties. I found that our own suffering was indeed “a gift of opportunity to experience what we say we believe” (p. 18).

Cancer

Barry, Michael S. A Reason for Hope: Gaining Strength for Your Fight Against Cancer. Colorado Springs: Life Journey, 2004. Chaplain Barry encourages us to hold onto hope, even when fighting against cancer.

Weir, Al B., M.D. When Your Doctor has Bad News: Simple Steps to Strength, Healing & Hope. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2003. Dr. Weir writes a sensitive and hopeful guide for facing heartbreaking medical situations.

Healing

Elliot, Lynda D. An Invitation to Healing: Let God Touch Your Mind, Body and Spirit. Grand Rapids: Chosen Books, 2001. Elliot writes a balanced and practical guide for asking God for physical healing.

Glennon, Jim. Your Healing is Within You. Gainesville, Bridge-Logos, 2004. Canon Glennon’s book is better than the title might indicate and is a remarkable testimony to the healing power of God through prayer. If even half the stories in the book are true, I have a lot to learn about God’s intervention today.

Miller, Duane. Out of the Silence: A Personal Testimony of God’s Healing Power. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1996. Miller’s voice was destroyed by a virus. His miraculous healing was “caught on tape” as it occurred, while he was teaching Psalm 103. Miller’s book absolutely transformed the purpose behind my prayers for Ann’s healing. He is a real person; I’ve talked with him on the phone and he prayed for Ann.

Sipley, Richard M. Understanding Divine Healing. Wheaton: Victor, 1986. Sipley also writes a balanced guide for physical healing.

Prayer

Foster, Richard J. Prayer: Finding the Heart’s True Home. New York: Harper San Francisco, 1992. Foster’s book is a comprehensive and balanced look at the practice of prayer. His chapter entitled, “Healing Prayer,” was the best treatment of praying with faith that I have read to date.

Piper, John. A Hunger for God: Desiring God Through Fasting & Prayer. Wheaton: Crossway, 1997. Piper provides a comprehensive discussion of Christian fasting.

Sittser, Jerry. When God Doesn’t Answer Your Prayer: Insights to Keep You Praying with Greater Faith & Deeper Hope. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2007. Sittser honestly addresses the pain and difficulty of unanswered prayer.

Yancey, Philip. Prayer: Does It Make Any Difference. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2006. Yancey is willing to address the tough questions about prayer.

Grief and Loss

Davis, Verdell. Let Me Grieve but Not Forever. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2004. Verdell’s husband and three other men were tragically killed in an airplane crash. She personally helped my grief journey through her “Living with Loss” grief support class.

Lucado, Max. Facing Your Giants. Nashville: W Publishing, 2006. The book is about David’s life, but his chapter entitled, “Unspeakable Grief” was perhaps the best eight pages on grief that I have read. I recite the chapter’s last page to my family each time we visit the cemetery.

Means, James. A Tearful Celebration: Finding God in the Midst of Loss. Sisters, Oregon: Multnomah, 2006. Means’ wife of twenty-eight years died of cancer. His honesty validated the pain I was still feeling more than two years after Ann’s death.

Sittser, Jerry. A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss. Expanded ed. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2004. Sittser’s wife, young daughter and mother were killed by a drunk driver. He and his three young boys survived. Sittser’s comparison of catastrophic loss to amputation was the most helpful metaphor that I found in any book on grief.

Heaven

Alcorn, Randy. In Light of Eternity: Perspectives on Heaven. Colorado Springs: Waterbrook, 1999.Alcorn’s book absolutely transformed my image of heaven and provided unshakable hope that carried me through the first year of Ann’s death.

Wright, N.T.Surprised by Hope: Rethinking Heaven, the Resurrection and the Mission of the Church. New York: HarperOne, 2008. Wright’s book absolutely transformed my view of the resurrection.

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Bibliography

Alcorn, Randy. In Light of Eternity: Perspectives on Heaven. Colorado Springs: Waterbrook, 1999.

________. Heaven. Carol Stream: Tyndale, 2004.

Barry, Michael S. A Reason for Hope: Gaining Strength for Your Fight Against Cancer. Colorado Springs: Life Journey, 2004.

Becton, Randy. Everyday Strength: A Cancer Patient’s Guide to Spiritual Survival. Grand Rapids: Baker, 1989.

Brown, Michael L. Israel’s Divine Healing. Studies in Old Testament Biblical Theology, ed. Willem A. VanGemeren and Tremper Longman III. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1995.

Cherry, Reginald, M.D. Healing Prayer: God’s Divine Intervention in Medicine, Faith and Prayer. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1999.

Chisholm, Robert B., Jr. From Exegesis to Exposition. Grand Rapids: Baker, 1998.

Dunn, Ronald. When Heaven Is Silent: How God Ministers to Us Through the Challenges of Life. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1994.

Edersheim, Alfred. Sketches of Jewish Social Life. Updated ed. Peabody, MA: Hendrickson, 1994.

Foster, Richard J. Prayer: Finding the Heart’s True Home. New York: Harper San Francisco, 1992.

Garlow, James L. & Carol Jane Garlow. God Still Heals: Answers to Your Questions About Divine Healing. Indianapolis: Wesleyan, 2005.

Gifford, Kathie Lee. Gentle Grace. Grand Rapids: Inspirio, 2004.

Griffiths, Steve. God of the Valley: A Journey Through Grief. Minneapolis: Augsburg, 2003.

Guthrie, George H. Hebrews. The NIV Application Commentary, ed. Terry Muck. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1998.

Hamilton, Victor P. Handbook on the Historical Books. Grand Rapids: Baker, 2001.

Lucado, Max. Facing Your Giants. Nashville: W Publishing, 2006.

Maillefer, Mark. God in the Storm. Wheaton: Crossway, 2005.

Mayor, Joseph B. The Epistle of James. 1892; reprint, Minneapolis: Klock & Klock Christian, 1977.

Miller, Duane. Out of the Silence: A Personal Testimony of God’s Healing Power. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1996.

Moore, Beth. Believing God: Experiencing a Fresh Explosion of Faith. Nashville: LifeWay, 2002.

Moore, Harold G. & Joseph L. Galloway. We Were Soldiers Once... And Young: Ia Drang – The Battle That Changed The War In Vietnam. New York: Random House, 1992.

Packer, J.I. and M.C. Tenney, ed. Illustrated Manners and Customs of the Bible. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1980.

Sittser, Jerry. A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss. Expanded ed. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2004.

________. When God Doesn’t Answer Your Prayer: Insights to Keep You Praying with Greater Faith & Deeper Hope. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2007.

Weir, Al B., M.D. When the Doctor Has Bad News: Simple Steps to Strength, Healing and Hope. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2003.

Wright, N. T. The Resurrection of the Son of God. Minneapolis: Fortress, 2003.

Yancey, Philip. Prayer: Does It Make Any Difference. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2006.

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End Notes

[1]Introduction

The back cover of the book, on which the movie was based, reads, “Together, these actions at the landing zones X-ray and Albany constituted one of the most savage and significant battles of the Vietnam War.” Harold G. & Joseph L. Galloway Moore, We Were Soldiers Once... And Young: Ia Drang—The Battle That Changed The War In Vietnam (New York: Random House, 1992)

Chapter 1

[2]              “Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning)” was recorded by Alan Jackson on his album “Greatest Hits, Vol. 2.” Used with permission.

[3]              Many of the insights were gleaned from Dr. Robert Chisholm's lectures in my second year Hebrew class (Hebrew Exegesis I, Dallas Theological Seminary), in which we studied the book of Ruth.

[4]              I desperately miss a million things about Ann. One that is particularly frustrating is that I no longer have Ann to confirm my memory. Steve Griffiths, whose wife also died of cancer, relates that “half his memory had been wiped out.” It wasn’t just from the fog caused by grief or that he was losing his mind. He no longer had his wife Clare “to bounce memories off of in conversation.” Steve Griffiths, God of the Valley: A Journey Through Grief (Minneapolis: Augsburg, 2003), 67.

[5]              An allusion to Isaiah 61:1.

[6]              An allusion to Psalm 34:18.

[7]              Ann personalized this verse, as well as the two from James that follow.

[8]              See the entry from December 14, 1992 in the vignette entitled, “A Third Miscarriage.”

[9]              The voluntary vow of the Nazirite is described in Numbers 6:1-21. See also Victor P. Hamilton, Handbook on the Historical Books (Grand Rapids: Baker, 2001), 151-53.

[10]              As quoted by Sittser. Jerry Sittser, When God Doesn’t Answer Your Prayer: Insights to Keep You Praying with Greater Faith & Hope, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2007), 128.

[11]              A woman in ancient Israel was nearly always blamed for infertility. Being childless would have caused unimaginable devastation to the wife, including spiritual ruin, social disgrace and psychological depression. J.I. Packer and M.C. Tenney, ed., Illustrated Manners and Customs of the Bible (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1980), 441.

[12]              Major characters, who are portrayed with a limited range of characteristics, are “types” and are often held up as an example to follow or avoid. Robert B. Chisholm, Jr., From Exegesis to Exposition (Grand Rapids: Baker, 1998), 153.

[13]              See Hamilton, Historical Books, 215 for a helpful comparison of vows in scripture.

[14]              “The period of weaning among the Hebrews was generally at the end of two years… and was celebrated by a feast.” Alfred Edersheim, Sketches of Jewish Social Life, Updated ed. (Peabody, MA: Hendrickson, 1994), 100.

[15]              God told these words to the prophet Jeremiah, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations” (Jeremiah 1:5).

Chapter 2

[16] See the vignette entitled, “A Crazy Idea” in the first chapter.

[17]              Again, my memory is a bit fuzzy on the precise timing. I'll confirm with Ann when I see her again.

[18]              “Praise You in This Storm” was recorded by Casting Crowns on their album Lifesong. Used with permission.

[19]              http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001853/

[20]              “Praise You in This Storm” was recorded by Casting Crowns on their album Lifesong. Used with permission.

[21]              http://www.knowcancer.com/oncology/angiosarcoma/

[22]              http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/276512-overview

[23]              http://www.knowcancer.com/oncology/angiosarcoma/

[24]              http://linkinghub.elsevier.com/retrieve/pii/S1092913405000389

[25]              http://www.pathologyoutlines.com/spleen.html#angiosarcoma

[26]              http://www.nature.com/modpathol/journal/v13/n9/full/3880178a.html

Chapter 3

[27]              Timeouts are only allowed for injuries. Of course, sometimes “injuries” come at convenient times.

[28]              Ronald Dunn, When Heaven Is Silent: How God Ministers to Us Through the Challenges of Life (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1994), 41.

[29]              Ann’s emphasis. Randy Becton, Everyday Strength: A Cancer Patient’s Guide to Spiritual Survival (Grand Rapids: Baker, 1989), 14.

[30]              Ann’s emphasis. Ibid., 20.

[31]              Notice that Ann used this same exact phrase when she was pregnant with Hannah. See Ann’s journal entry dated May 19, 1992, in the vignette entitled, “Prayer for Hannah.”

[32]              Mark Maillefer, God in the Storm (Wheaton: Crossway, 2005), 73.

[33]              “Dr. Lockhart” was not our oncologist’s real name.

[34]              Maillefer, God in the Storm, 102.

[35]              I received this encouraging story from Keith Tally, a college roommate and electrical engineer with IBM, in an email dated 10/27/2006. Used with permission.

[36]              You can read Joe’s story on his website at www.mystronghold.org.

[37]              Philip Yancey, Prayer: Does It Make Any Difference (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2006), 104.

[38]              Lance Armstrong was a survivor of testicular cancer and won the Tour de France a record seven consecutive times afterhis life threatening bout with cancer.

[39]              Yancey, Prayer, 105.

[40]              Ann did live to see Hannah’s next birthday, but died a few weeks before Drew graduated from high school.

[41]              From The Solid Rock, which was written by Edward Mote, (1797-1874).

[42]              When I wrote the email, the Big Ten had eleven teams. By the time I worked on putting these emails into book form, the Big Ten had twelve teams and the Big XII had ten teams. Who knows what the number of teams will be by the time you read this book?

[43]              George H. Guthrie, Hebrews. The NIV Application Commentary, ed. Terry Muck (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1998), 343.

[44]              The journal entries are reproduced in their entirety the vignettes “Two Miscarriages” and “A Walk of Faith” in the “Calisthenics” chapter earlier in this book.

[45]              In the Parable of the Sower, Jesus describes the seed sown among thorns as, “the man who hears the word, and the worry of the world and the deceitfulness of wealth choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful” (Matt 13:22).

[46]              Job responds to his oppressive calamity with these words, “The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD” (Job 1:21).

[47]              I am still convinced of this leading as I pen this supplemental vignette, nearly three years after Ann’s death.

[48]              Moore writes, “On the subject of miracles God left so many explanations unsaid that all of us are at risk of error on how to approach them today. I can’t help but think that if I err, let me err on the side of belief.” Beth Moore, Believing God: Experiencing a Fresh Explosion of Faith (Nashville: LifeWay, 2002), 57.

[49]              Kathie Lee Gifford, Gentle Grace (Grand Rapids: Inspirio, 2004), 12.

[50]              Ibid.

[51]              This assignment is reproduced (without all the footnotes) in the next vignette, which is entitled, “God is Mystery.”

[52]              The latest edition of this study was published by NavPress in 2003.

[53]              Moore, Believing God.

[54]              Ibid., 49-52.

[55]              Duane Miller, Out of the Silence: A Personal Testimony of God’s Healing Power (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1996), 102.

[56]              Ibid.

[57]              Richard J. Foster, Prayer: Finding the Heart’s True Home (New York: Harper San Francisco, 1992), 215.

[58]              Ibid., 215-16.

[59]              Ibid., 205.

[60]              Moore, Believing God, 49-51.

[61]              Michael L. Brown, Israel’s Divine Healing, Studies in Old Testament Biblical Theology (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1995), 9-10.

[62]              James L. Garlow & Carol Jane Garlow, God Still Heals: Answers to Your Questions About Divine Healing (Indianapolis: Wesleyan, 2005), 34-38.

[63]              Michael S. Barry, A Reason for Hope: Gaining Strength for Your Fight Against Cancer (Colorado Springs: Life Journey, 2004), 30.

[64]              This is a common statement on the doctrinal statements of many churches and seminaries, including the churches and seminary that I have attended.

[65]              Notice how Garlow’s original theology mirrored mine. He confesses, “I knew that he could heal, but I didn’t have any evidence that he still did…I had trouble believing that people could be supernaturally healed.”Author’s original emphasis. Garlow & Garlow, God Still Heals, 34.

[66]              Joseph B. Mayor, The Epistle of James (1892; reprint, Minneapolis: Klock &Klock Christian, 1977), 233.

[67]              Moore, Believing God, 57.

[68]              Joe is still cancer-free at the time of the final editing of this book (January 2012).

[69]              See the various “Hannah” vignettes in the “Calisthenics” chapter at the beginning of this book..

[70]              Miller, Silence, 145.

[71]              Ibid., 153.

[72]              Ibid., 155.

[73]              http://www.nature.com/modpathol/journal/v13/n9/full/3880178a.html

[74]              A ministry update email from Chris Sleath dated August 27, 2007.

Chapter 4

[75]              I grew up on my Grandpa’s farm about ten miles south of Perry, and Ann and I lived in Perry for six years prior to moving to Dallas.

[76]              “I Still Miss You” was recorded by Hawk Nelson on the album Hawk Nelson is My Friend. Used with permission.

[77]              Moore, Believing God, 57.

Chapter 5

[78]              Roger joined Ann in heaven two years after Ann died.

[79]              As quoted by Max Lucado. Max Lucado, Facing Your Giants (Nashville: W Publishing, 2006), 83.

[80]              Ibid., 86.

[81]              There was some struggle with escape in the years that followed this letter.

[82]              Paul writes, “Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known” (1 Corinthians 13:12b).

[83]              Lucado, Facing Your Giants, 88.

[84]              This paragraph was #8 of the Big XII list contained in the previous vignette, “Chucking the Faith?”

[85]              Jerry Sittser, A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2004), 73.

[86]              Sometimes, a college student’s perspective of time is different from those of us who have to get up for work every day. What Paul identifies “that night” was actually about 5:00 am. It was early in the morning when Ann’s condition forced to make that second call.

[87]              Lucado, Facing Your Giants,83.

[88]              N. T. Wright, The Resurrection of the Son of God (Minneapolis: Fortress, 2003), 45-47, 68.

[89]              Ibid., 48-52.

[90]              Ibid., 48, 60.

[91]              Ibid., 33.

[92]              Ibid., 52, 82-84.

[93]              Ibid, 82.

[94]              Ibid., 30-31, 108-109, 133.

[95]              Ibid., 83.

[96]              Ibid., 82.

[97]              The last portion the Apostle’s Creed reads,

“I believe in the Holy Spirit,

the holy catholic [universal] church,

the communion of saints,

the forgiveness of sins,

the resurrection of the body,

and the life everlasting. Amen.” (emphasis mine)

[98]              Michael Phelps, a champion swimmer, made Olympic history by winning a record eight gold medals in the 2008 Summer Olympics.

[99]              This paragraph was greatly influenced by Randy Alcorn’s books on heaven. Randy Alcorn, In Light of Eternity: Perspectives on Heaven (Colorado Springs: Waterbrook, 1999) and Randy Alcorn, Heaven (Carol Stream: Tyndale, 2004).

[100]              “I Will Rise” was recorded by Chris Tomlin on his album Hello Love. Used with permission.

[101]              Joel Engle has an encouraging song with this title on his Made for Worship album.

[102]              The Gideons are the ones who provide pocket-sized bibles to students and soldiers, and full-sized bibles to hotels and doctor’s offices.

.

Connect with the Author

K. Howard Joslin would love to hear

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K. Howard Joslin

P.O. Box 1167

Rowlett, TX 75030

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Table of Contents

Copyright

Dedication

Introduction

Chapter 1: Calisthenics

Chapter 2: The Match Begins

Chapter 3: Wrestling with Cancer

Chapter 4: Halftime

Chapter 5: Wrestling with Death

Appendix: Heaven Guaranteed

Suggested Resources

Bibliography

End Notes