In the Shadows

Finding God on Our Darkest Days

Elizabeth D. Gray

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording,

or by any information storage and retrieval system without permission in writing from the publisher.

Copyright ©2012 Diego Beach Publishing

All rights reserved.

ISBN-10: 1481106929

ISBN-13: 978-1481106924

Do not curse the darkness,

For in every event that brings you to your knees is a knock on the door of heaven and an opportunity to welcome the greatest of blessings into your life.

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In the Shadows

In the grayest time

When sorrow has me bent

My bones with nothing more to give

Even there in the shadows

You find me

And in that place

The harshest ills of the world upon me

You need not lift me up

For your presence is

My drink of mercy

As you cry with me

My eternal and most loyal friend

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Carry Me

Carry me to a place

Where the cold winds

Are banished by

The warmth of your love

Where the bitterness

Of an icy shell

Is melted from my heart

So that it beats again

Let me shed the layers

Too heavily burdening me

Free me so that I might

Once again feel the sunlight

Upon my skin

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The Storm

If I am to weather this storm

Let it shape me

To a better form of myself

Let the tossing waves set me right

And the salt of the scourging sea

Chisel away the shell

Holding hostage my dormant soul

That it might learn to breathe again

Then let the stormy sea be calmed

That I might float upon it

And remember who I am

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The Jagged Path

If this jagged path brings me closer to you

I do not wish to be set free

One moment sooner than I must

For if each tear for you

And every prayer for your presence

Reaches your heart

Even by only the tiniest of breaths

My burden is my bliss

And my blessing

For if you can be reached

By the expression of my pain

In a call to your divine heart

I shall be forever thankful

For the trials that have brought me

To this place

That I might know you, my Lord

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The Battle

Do not hide thyself my Lord

Behind the lessons

Of a hundred trials

A prize to be won

When the last of my will is spent

Withholding that great treasure

For a time when I have at last

Put down my armor

And surrendered my good fight

Instead be with me in those gritty trenches

That I might know you

Not after the battle is won

But during my every hour

As a soldier in this life

Each day waiting for the trumpets

That will tell me the war is over

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Warmth

Wake me from the slumber

Of discomforting dreams

That the fog may drop away

At last clear vision ahead

Let me turn to see the darkness

Extinguished in each corner

Let no remnant remain

In the space of my heart

And let it instead be filled by a warmth

Unmatched in the world

As I am filled only with thy comfort

In each day that remains

On my path to you

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True Vision

Grant me the gift

Of seeing the unseen

In a world of folly and farce

That I might know what is beyond

What my human eyes may know

Gift me with the vision

To see the world as you do

So that my shackles fall to dust

And freedom finds me

No longer imprisoned by illusion

Welcomed now by the open arms

Of the purest beauty of truth

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Release me

I am not my pain

Though I cling to it

As the truth of my existence

My freedom is certain

As I feel thy gentle hands

Loosening my terrible grip

Latched onto my misfortunes

Terrified of my own freedom

Ever patiently you show me

That though I hold my own self prisoner

It is through thy patience

That my fingers one by one retreat

From grasping all that has bewitched me

For only then have I the freedom

To hold thy hand in mine

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One Soul Parade

Count me not among the millions

That hold up thy name as a banner

That they might lead the parade

In hopes of some applause

As a reward from the world

But let me be thy quiet champion

Exalting thy name

In the venue of my own heart

As my song of praise drowns out

The noisiest earthly parade

My joy unmatched by any earthly prize

My prayers both humble and colossal

Expounded by my mighty heart

In my one soul parade

Not for the world, but for you

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Not alone

I am not alone

Though a precipice before me

And a crashing sea at my back

My faith holds me unbidden

To the façade of abandonment

Though no step forward is safe

And the path to retreat blocked

I stand steady

My back straight

For thy promise forges within me

A spine mighty enough

To hold back the sea

And strong enough to block the winds

That long to press me towards the abyss

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My True Inheritance

Be not far from me, my Lord

In days when I am forgotten

By those who promised me comfort

Do not you too walk away

When others have left me

With nothing but their shadows

Vanished laughter echoing

In a canyon of all that once was

Let you be the one who remains

When I am unlovable

See through to who I really am

Beneath the tarnish of

The weathering of life

Awaken my remembrances

Of my true inheritance

As the child of a king

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Form this Clay

Form this clay of myself, Lord

Bend me, break me, shape me

Let me ever yield to thy sculptor’s hand

Scrape away my unsightly lines

Each tool of yours rendered upon me

Through the experiences of my life

Let me yield to all that will refine me

Into thine own work of art

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For Your Glory

For your glory, not mine

Let me conquer that dark force

For not my own pride

Or even my own salvation

Let me triumph over

That terrible beast

For if I prevail

My faith as my sword

Against the fiercest of foes

It is only because

My strength has been fueled

By an undefeatable force

Strengthened day by day

With love for you, my Lord

The victory is yours

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Wealth

Let me recall on these days

When I am judged

By the meager balance

Of my earthly wealth

That my worth will not be determined

By the counting of so many dollars

And the balancing of debts

Piled on to one another

In an absurd display of misplaced virtues

But let me instead be ever mindful

That all treasure is but a mirage

When measured against that

Which cannot be purchased

By any debt paid from one man to another

For daily in faith

I place my contribution at thy feet

The bounty of all that my heart holds

My wealth hidden from view

Safely protected and humbly earned

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Shelter Me

Shelter me today, my Lord

When I have not the courage

To manage a venture into the world

Let me accept thy comfort

Just this once

Judge me not for my weakness

If only for today

A moment spent as a child

Safe in his mother’s arms

For tomorrow I will return to the fight

And take up my cross

On this path that stretches to the horizon

Forging ahead once more

But today Lord

Grant me this reprieve

That I might find comfort and rest

In the safety of thy shelter

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Courage for Joy

Grant me the courage

To defy a cynical world

And to find my own joy

Permit me to seek happiness

Though chaos surrounds me

Free me from a guilty heart

That is afraid to be at peace

With so much suffering around me

Let me surrender the world to you

And replace it to your hands

Only thyself capable of its care

Release me from the specter

Of a false profit

Who had all but convinced me

That as the world cries

So must I

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Free Me

Unchain me lord

From what holds me back

Set me free from my long held grudges

My entitlements to apologies

Weighing me down

Myself a seedling meant to grow

Into the mighty oak

But buried by the weight of a thousand bricks

Expectations crushing me

Let me banish them

Useless as they are

Free me of yesterday’s gripes

And so many complaints

All the things that others

Should have done for me

Let me start anew

That fresh seedling full of promise

Finally free to stretch my limbs to the sun

Unburdened by the past

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Love Me Still

Flawed though I am Lord

Love me still

Only you and I know

The truth of who I am

Buried shame covered

By this human personality

Always presenting myself

With lovely wrapping to the world

They see the hologram of myself

Filtered through so many sieves

I have created to dilute

What imperfections I cannot show them

But you Lord know me

And in the muddied waters of my true self

Live both shadow and light

Forgive the shadows, Lord

See yourself in the reflection

Of the light you find within me

And love me still

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One Glimpse

Grant me heaven’s sight my Lord

That I might know more

Than what my betraying eyes may show me

Let me barter my mortal vision

For that which is eternal

That I might understand

Some tiny pearl

Of what is possible

Grant me the wisdom to understand

How fragile my perception is

These human eyes

Crack open the door to heaven

By the slightest margin

For that tiny glimpse

Shall be enough to feed my soul

For the remainder of my days

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The Bitter Gift

Accept my pain Lord

As a bitter yet precious gift

All that I have withstood

In this life gifted and cursed

When I have not the luxury

Of sweet thoughts

And gentle affections

Accept instead my fortitude

The resilience you have wrought in me

To stand up to the tests

For in days such as these

It is all I have

My will to forge ahead

My stand against defeat

Though it is the least of what virtues

I hope to someday find within myself

Accept my bitter gift

As a testament to thyself

The powerful will

Instilled within me, thy creation

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My Quiet Place for You

Come to me in the stillness

When my mind is quiet

The noises all forgotten

Let me see thy face

In the lonely space of my heart

Reserved for your presence

It is there that I wait for you

Again and again returning

Longing for you, my Lord

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Heart Flower

I flew to the outer reaches

In search of that one flower

The only one that would fit

Inside this empty space in my heart

The fragrance only known to me

In the misty passing of a dream

Now barely conjured in my memory

Without which I am not whole

That ethereal atom of the stars

Holding all memories

Of a life before this one

Each of us

Our flower taken away

As a prerequisite to the sprouting down

Of our roots here on earth

But heaven was mistaken

For it left within me the indisputable memory

Of my heart’s flower

And where I must go to find it again

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My Sin

Oh that I have sinned

Many times and then some

Is not my greatest regret

My mistakes laid bare

In a field of weeds

Is not my place of sadness

But that I have abandoned you

Placed your portrait

Behind the door of my heart

This is my greatest sin

That I have forgotten you

Stored away with so many memories

Thoughts not worthy of your presence

This truth brings forth my tears

For in the accounting of my shortcomings

None compares to this

Most despicable sin

And for no others do I beg forgiveness

More than the sin of forsaking you, my Lord

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Living Scripture

Let me be thy profit

Not with a boisterous refrain

The litigant voicing of so much

Countenance for ancient writs

But let thy scripture be written

In my every word

Spoken to your children

And in every step walked upon the earth

Let me by thy representative

Your text written

In the kindness behind my eyes

And in the tender caring

Of my gentle hands for those you love

Let me spout generosity

As a substitution to sermons

Let me be thy profit

Not by practiced lectures

And the memorizing of words

But by becoming thy living scripture

Each verse written by your hand

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Forgiveness

Heal my affliction, oh Lord

The suffering I have placed upon myself

As I have granted mercy for others

Not taking one measure of it for my own

I have been gracious in my forgiveness

To all who have betrayed me

Yet I cannot fight my stubborn need

To withhold it from myself

Punishment I have metered out

For all my deeds

Verdicts made and sentences

Chained together

With no possibility of release

Help me see that my salvation

Cannot be won by my merciless

Judgments upon myself

Free me Lord to forgive myself

Grant me the wisdom to see

That even I am worthy of mercy

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Rise Up

Let me not sit upon my hands

While the walls come down

A silent witness to my own misfortunes

I was not born to stand by

The victim of flights of fancy and mishap

A legacy unbefitting a child of God

Let me bound from my resting place

And meet the road ahead as a warrior

Royal armor donned

No longer the prisoner of life

Let me cast away the costume

Of the downtrodden

For it was never my part to play

At last let me proclaim that I have not lost

And will not lose

For in the stars is written my name

And my destiny

And by thy grace

Today I rise up to claim it

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My Beloved Released to You

I release my beloved to you, Lord

For in your care and keeping, they are safe

I have done all that I can with the gifts

You have given me

I have comforted them

And shown them love in thy name

I have labored that they might

Know some measure of relief

I have counseled them and sheltered them

But in this moment I have come

To this humble awareness

That there are limits to

What my devotion may produce

And I release my beloved to you

That they might find their peace

Returned to your embrace

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Let Me Not Judge

Let me not Judge my brother

Jumping upon him with my own assessments

Of how he should conduct his affairs

And how much love

He should demonstrate in the world

For I cannot know what trials

Have befallen him on his rocky path

Let me instead view him through your eyes

Let me show him gentleness

And the mercy of deference

Let me only encourage him

In what ways I know best

For surely he too will come to find

That all paths lead onward

And upward to thy door

Grant me the wisdom to judge him not

As he makes his way home again

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Little Gifts

Ah the little things

The thousand thousand treasures

Heaped upon us on this

The great stage of life

What a shame that we brush each away

Always after that more attractive prize

That floats above us

Just out of reach

The starring role

The salary befitting a royal actor

But if we could for just one moment

Lay down the script

We would find those many treasures

Poured into our cups overflowing

Too much for our hands to carry

Ever more precious

Than those elusive longings

Forever fooling us into thinking

How greatly we are lacking

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The Light

The light filters in

And finds me

At last mercy

Thy embrace the salve

For all my wounds

At first cast only sparsely

But I do see it there

And now it comes

Like rain

Thy light

Thy mercy

Wet with my grateful tears

Finally Finally

The light

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Show Me

Show me who I am Lord

Indulge me with a reflection

Of yourself in me

Help me to see

That though sometimes

Buried beneath piles

Of my human shortcomings

I bare the evidence

Of thy creation

Upon my very being

And let this be

My salvation

The truth

Myself

Your legacy

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Let Me Retreat

For this moment

Let me retreat

From the carnival of life

Its spectacles of wonder

And dizzying rides

Let me find a place

Away from the noise

To sit with you

For this brief time

Remove my attention

From all those things that beg it of me

Instead looking inward

To where you are

Let the world take care of its own affairs

For just a spell

While I turn my back on it

So that my arms are free

To embrace you, my Lord

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Messengers

The daily reminders

Messengers always delivering their notes

Declaring to us what is real in this world

Convincing us that what we see

Around us is the only truth

This reality

Ah, but theirs is not the only parchment

We have our own writing instruments

And if perhaps

Those messages went unanswered

And we became the writers of our truth

We might then know

The promise of a reality

Of our own creation

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While I breathe

While I breathe

Let me not commit

The blasphemy of hopelessness

Frittering away my hours

With the apathy of lost causes

Let me not excuse myself

To indulge in a meal of self pity

When I am capable of another harvest

Out there fighting fiercely

Ever and ever planting

Not stopping to wait for the rain

To water my crops

For the deluge of blessings will come

To my thirsty fields

If I but do my part

Tending them not with a hoe of pessimism

But of eternal hope

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Let Me Receive

Let me be the humble recipient

Of all thy blessings

Let me release the damn

Holding back your offering

Let me vanquish my stubborn affirmations

Daily telling myself

That there are only so many

Gifts to be given to thy children

And mine to be the least of these

For with my ignorance

I have convinced myself

That others deserve these treasures

But not I

Release me Lord to receive

All that I have been destined to enjoy

In this blessed life

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The Death of Fear

Oh you, the dark spectral

Who preys upon the unaware

The name of fear is written upon you

Stalking nearly unchallenged

Your gruesome booty

Wicked treasure spilling over

But know this

We are rising up to defend ourselves

And one another

To expose you as a fraud

Daily we are shedding you

Fear being shaken off of our very souls

Falling to dust

Denying you your stronghold

And as one of us is freed

We go to help the next

Your days are numbered upon the earth

Behold the death of fear

Table of Contents

Copyright

In the Shadows

Carry Me

The Storm

The Jagged Path

The Battle

Warmth

True Vision

Release me

One Soul Parade

Not alone

My True Inheritance

Form this Clay

For Your Glory

Wealth

Shelter Me

Courage for Joy

Free Me

Love Me Still

One Glimpse

The Bitter Gift

My Quiet Place for You

Heart Flower

My Sin

Living Scripture

Forgiveness

Rise Up

My Beloved Released to You

Let Me Not Judge

Little Gifts

The Light

Show Me

Let Me Retreat

Messengers

While I breathe

Let Me Receive

The Death of Fear