Table of Contents

Title Page

Copyright

Acknowledgements

Introduction

Chapter 1. The First Law of Forgiveness—Need and Availability

Chapter 2. The Second Law of Forgiveness—Payment and Peace

Chapter 3. The Third Law of Forgiveness—Receiving and Giving

Chapter 4. The Fourth Law of Forgiveness—Risk and Reward

Appendix

Endnotes

Back Cover

THE FOUR LAWS

OF FORGIVENESS

How to Forgive Yourself and Others

Brad Johnson

Copyright ©  2011 by Dr. Brad S. Johnson.

The Four Laws of Forgiveness by Dr. Brad S. Johnson

All rights reserved

Published in the United States by BSJ Publishing

This book or parts thereof may not be reproduced in any form, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording or otherwise—without prior written permission of the publishers, except as provided by United States of America copyright law.

Unless otherwise noted, the Scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation. Copyright © 1996, 2004 by Tyndale Charitable Trust. All rights reserved.

Cover design by BSJ Publishing

Book interior layout by Kerrie Lian, under contract with MacGraphics Services: www.MacGraphics.net

Library of Congress Control Number: 2011943900

eISBN:  978-0-9847178-1-1

Acknowledgements

To my family and friends, who gave me the forgiveness I so desperately needed.

I also want to thank Russ Sands and Phil Potloff, whose hard work on the details brought this book to life.

Profound appreciation goes to the people at Life Change Community Church, who are daily examples of grace and forgiveness.

Finally, I thank my wife, Karen, who is a gift from God. She encouraged me to write this book and supported me on the journey. And I thank my daughters, Heather and Hilary, who are the joys of my life.

Introduction

If I have learned one thing in life, it is this: you can’t become a spiritually mature person or experience ongoing well-being without learning to forgive.

I’m not just theorizing. I spent a hard stretch of life figuring this out.

This book is pulled from a deep personal need to give and receive forgiveness. I felt compelled to write it because I have experienced the transforming power of forgiveness and it changed my life.

After pulling together these real life learnings about forgiveness, I began testing them in the laboratory of the church where I’m privileged to lead. In thirty years of teaching, few topics generated the kind of engagement, feedback and stimulating discussion this one did.

There is always interest around forgiveness, it seems, because it is a topic that belongs to all of us.

Like it or not, forgiveness becomes a huge issue in every person’s life eventually. Each person who opens this book, and honestly reads these words, will admit that they have needed forgiveness. Each person will also admit they have needed to give forgiveness to others. And both of those experiences, we all understand, will occur again and again throughout life.

The problem is that people frequently get stuck on this issue. We seem to intuitively know that forgiveness is an option; even a good option. We struggle, however, to actually do it.

In my own struggle to learn how to forgive myself and others, I grappled with the issue, studied the Scriptures of my faith and pursued the ‘how to’ with a passion. The end result is this book.

But be warned. The pages to come will not resemble a cookbook approach to the topic of forgiveness. You will not find a step-one-step-two approach.

Rather, you will face, along with me, the challenges of forgiving yourself and others. You will experience, along with me, the two-steps-forward-one-step-back rhythm of forgiveness. You’ll discover a pursuit that will challenge your faith, push your understanding of God and change the beliefs you hold about yourself. And it is a pursuit that is fully worth it.

Forgiveness is a gift available to you. And once you accept it deeply into your own soul, it becomes a gift to share with others.

Thank you ahead of time for taking this journey. It’s my hope and prayer that it will be life changing.

Blessings,

Brad Johnson

Thousand Oaks, California

2011

Chapter 1. The First Law of Forgiveness—Need and Availability

Few ideas make us squirm like the topic of forgiveness.

It’s not that we don’t believe forgiveness is a useful life practice. We get that it is a healthy, even positive, thing to do. It’s that forgiving often calls us beyond where we are. It pushes us to take on issues we might not ever feel fully ready to face.

Sometimes we avoid forgiveness because we want to wash our hands of the drama, thinking “I’m not going down that road because I just want that person and that situation out of my life.”

Other times we freeze up because we can list off a number of people we don’t want to forgive.

But despite the hardship involved, we’ve picked up that there’s a spiritual mandate to forgive. And this pricks our curiosities.

We imagine what it would feel like to get out from under the shame and guilt. We wonder how it would feel to know—to deeply believe—that we are OK with God. We picture something better beyond what we know; more freedom than what we’re currently experiencing.

It’s not surprising that the act of forgiving and being forgiven stirs such hope, since it is the central message of Scripture. Forgiveness is the basis of our relationship with God; it’s the reason God’s Son, Messiah, came to the planet; it’s the reason Heaven can be our home; it’s the secret to strong relationships and it’s the heart of the message of God.

There is one thing—just one—that can free you from your past and free you for your future: it’s forgiveness.

Did you watch the Super Bowl this past winter? It’s a four-hour television extravaganza. Advertisers paid millions for the commercials. The half-time show cost hundreds of thousands to produce. 110 million people watched it. The best of the best teams played in it.

So, here’s a question: out of all that—hours and hours and millions and millions—how long was the ball actually in play? From the time it’s hiked, until a runner or a pass receiver is tackled, if you count the ticks while the ball is in the air, how long is the ball actually in play?

Guesses?

Eleven minutes!

For all the hoopla of sportscasters talking about football, teams training and then playing football, advertisers sponsoring football, the actual moving of the ball toward a goal line to score is eleven minutes!

Lots of talking. Lots of time in the huddle. But very little time doing the sport of football.

That’s exactly how many of us treat forgiveness. For all the talk about forgiveness, for all the times it’s mentioned in the Bible, for all the teaching from pastors and books, we actually do very little forgiving.

Lots of ‘want to,’ and lots of ‘how to,’ but not much forgiving.

You know what will get you to spend more actual minutes forgiving? Coming to believe that it’s the tool you need to live a better life.

This is tricky. Think about when forgiveness is mentioned on Facebook or Twitter or in casual conversation. It often sparks controversy. People start dropping opinions. And it often quickly becomes clear they have an emotional stake in what they believe. Why?

Because talking about forgiveness often unearths years of pain.

Yet, pain—I would maintain—is what gives forgiveness its sharp edge, capable of cutting through life’s flaws and dysfunctions to make way for a better life.

Consider the fable of the porcupine:

It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves, but their quills wounded their closest companions. After awhile, they decided to distance themselves from one another and they began to die, alone and frozen. So, they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationships with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the imaginary one that falsely pretends it brought two perfect people together. The sweetest friendships are the real ones where flawed individuals learn to freely give and receive the grace that is needed between them.

Forgiveness is the only tool that releases you from your own wrongdoing and releases you from the burden of holding someone else hostage for theirs. So why do we resist this essential part of God’s plan, something as central to the faith as forgiveness?

Unfortunately, it’s easy for humans to divide our faith between God’s plans and our own opinions. We claim to highly value forgiveness, but secretly—in a secret we sometimes keep even from ourselves—we never give up our desire to be angry, to get what we deserve or even to hate.

We may say, we may even believe, we are trying to live out God’s intentions, but beneath the surface, we’re following some parts of His plan and ignoring others. We’re using our own formula to try to manipulate a better end than God himself.

And, being imperfect people who actually make mistakes with great regularity, life soon gets tangled and messy and painful.

But that can be good, in a backward way, because pain very often is the exact element that forces us to change.

ONCE THE PAIN EXCEEDS OUR FEAR OF CHANGE, WE WILL BE WILLING TO CHANGE.

After enough pain, we conclude: the only way to turn my life around, the only shot to find the life I was created to live, is with God’s help. We then turn back to God’s full plan and He forgives, providing each of us a fresh start, a brand new beginning.

This is the story of forgiveness.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean God changes the past; He doesn’t unscramble eggs. Forgiveness changes the future. God takes our broken eggs and makes omelets.

Once we come to grips with our need for forgiveness, we often find a new hunger to understand forgiveness. To help in this journey, I have identified four principles that I call the Four Laws of Forgiveness. I refer to them as laws because they are always true and never change.

Because these laws are always true, you do not just have to believe them in theory. They prove themselves in your life experience. As you practice them, they will provide insight that leads you closer to the better, fuller life that God intended.

Before I go further, you will get the most out of the pages to come if you commit:

- I want healthy relationships so I will read the entire book, even if it brings up painful experiences I’d rather forget.

- I need to deal with my own feelings of guilt, shame and regret from my past, so I will learn to understand how forgiveness works.

Each law also breaks down into several smaller insights. For example, here is the first and most basic principle that supports the first law:

WE SIN WITH GREAT REGULARITY

Don’t get stressed about that statement. It’s important to acknowledge this reality, however. Until we own up and admit that all of us have needed and will need forgiveness, we are less likely to give forgiveness.

That’s why this is the first principle. We all blow it. We should know this. And in case there is doubt, the word of God verifies it.

All of us, like sheep, have strayed away.

We have left God’s paths to follow our own.

Yet the LORD laid on Him the sins of us all. (Isaiah 53:6)

(Emphasis mine)

If we claim we have no sin,

we are only fooling ourselves

and not living in the truth. (1 John 1:8)

A lot of people never internalize this reality because they compare themselves to the most severe criminals in society and conclude: I haven’t sinned. I am not a sinner.

“I’ve never killed anyone.”

“I’ve never harmed a child.”

“I’ve never robbed a bank or dealt drugs.”

What we fail to understand is what the word sin means. It doesn’t just refer to committing a vicious crime. It comes from the Greek word hamartia, which is defined as “missing the mark.”

Hamartia is the picture of an archer shooting at a bull’s-eye and missing. He may have gotten close, but his arrow still lands inches from dead center.

When we harm someone, when we lust, or we hate, or we steal, or we are selfish, we have missed the mark. We are at least a little bit off of God’s best intentions for our lives. These are the sins, the “missing the mark” actions, that we commit.

Just as we miss the mark by committing obviously harmful actions, we sometimes miss the mark by what we omit as well.

For instance, how about when we aren’t as generous as we could be, aren’t perfectly unselfish, aren’t completely forgiving, aren’t wholly loving, patient, kind, faithful and pure?

Imagine arriving at the gates of Heaven, but before you can enter, you have to show your target and your bull’s-eye. Pretend only people who have a perfect bull’s-eye, only people who can show that the mark was hit every single time, get in.

Would you agree, all of us would be in trouble at that point?

In that hypothetical moment, if only the perfect gained entrance to Heaven, we would realize that because of all the stuff we committed and all the stuff we omitted, we are very sinful-hamartia-miss-the-mark-kind-of-people.

Now, some quick good news: Jesus is the guy who got it right. He never committed one single sin. He never missed the mark.

He did everything perfectly, every time. There was no commission of sin and no omission of good things. His target? He hit it dead on. His score sheet? Perfect.

The powerful thing about this is not just that Jesus was the sharpshooter. It’s that when Jesus forgives us, He gives us His score sheet.

It’s a radical, crazy, pricey transaction. But He pulls it off via death on the cross that cancels out our misses and our messes, our commissions and omissions. He takes our misses and messy score sheet, and He gives us His.

When Jesus died on a cross, our debt was paid, our misses erased, our life forgiven. As a result, once we are forgiven, when God looks down at our track record, He sees the score sheet of Jesus rather than our old one.

Bull’s-eye!

If you can agree that all of us, every one of us, all people everywhere need forgiveness, you are well on your way to learning the powerful potential of forgiveness.

Principle Number Two:

GOD WANTS TO FORGIVE

What kind of God do you believe in? In your mind, what do you imagine God is like?

Some people go their whole lives guessing what God is like.

Many live with a notion of a punishing, angry, fire-breathing God. They base their whole lives and their whole belief systems on that opinion about God. Their lives are literally built around a guess.

But we don’t have to guess about the nature of God. The Bible spells out what God is like. And Messiah came to earth so we can actually see, in the flesh, who God is.

Maybe you have been one of those people who think God is like a cosmic policeman, ready to pounce when you cross the wrong line. But that’s not true about God.

God is like a Father whose heart breaks, just like a good parent’s heart breaks, when He sees His kids do self-destructive stuff.

God doesn’t want to beat you up. He wants to pick you up.

I know this from personal experience. During a season of life when I was far from God, it wasn’t the judgment of God or punishment of God that brought me back. God loved me back to Himself.

More importantly, the Bible teaches the same truth.

O Lord, you are so good,

so ready to forgive,

so full of unfailing love

for all who ask for your help. (Psalm 86:5)

It’s time the world stopped imagining a bully Messiah who came to kick butt and take names. We do ourselves a disservice when we fictionalize a Savior who stood on street corners screaming “Turn or burn!”

The nature of God is stated loud and clear in the Bible. God sent Jesus Christ to remind us God loves us.

For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son,

so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.

17 God sent his Son into the world NOT TO JUDGE THE WORLD,

but to save the world through him. (John 3:16-17)

(Capitalization is my emphasis)

The problem we face is principle number one: WE SIN WITH GREAT REGULARITY.

The hope in life is principle number two: GOD WANTS TO FORGIVE.

So, if God truly wants to forgive rather than condemn us, who can be forgiven by God?

Principle number three:

FORGIVENESS IS AVAILABLE TO EVERYONE

In order to access God’s forgiveness, each person must A.C.T.

A—dmission

This is the step of humbly admitting that we have sinned and that sin hurts our relationship with God. Sin breaks God’s heart and robs us of the good life we were created by God to live.

But admitting isn’t always easy. When it comes to our sin, we often live in denial like men who refuse to admit they need directions while driving. On average, in the course of one year, men will drive 276 miles while lost! [1]

Why? Because it’s hard to admit we are wrong. Similarly, it’s hard to be humble enough to admit we are spiritually lost, that we have gone our own way, missed the mark, fallen short of the bull’s-eye. To be forgiven by God, we must own that. It’s the first step to access God’s forgiveness.

. . . God opposes the proud but favors the humble. (James 4:6b)

Humble yourselves before the Lord,

and he will lift you up in honor. (James 4:10)

(Emphasis mine)

A is for humble Admission.

C—ontrition

To receive God’s forgiveness, He must see contrition in our heart, in our inner being.  We can say from our head, “Okay, I missed the mark. Yes, I get it.” But if we only ‘say’ it and don’t truly ‘know’ it deeply within, it remains just an empty, intellectual thought.

God wants humility and God wants us to express contrition—sorrow for breaking God’s heart, for hurting others and for cheapening ourselves by what we have committed and by what we have omitted.

I will bless those who have humble and contrite hearts,

who tremble at my word. (Isaiah 66:2b)

(Emphasis mine)

This is different than hosting a personal pity party. And it is separate from the depression that comes through guilt or shame over our past. This is a sadness that finds us reaching for Heaven. It is a contrition that compels us to stretch out a hand, asking for forgiveness.

In Psalm 25:18, King David showed this contrition as he said to God, “Feel my pain and see my trouble. Forgive all my sins.”

After a humble Admission and sincere Contrition,

T—urn in a new direction

There’s a Bible word for this that gets abused and misunderstood. It’s the word repent.

Do you think of fire and brimstone preachers when you hear the word repent? Let me redeem that word for you. Repent means always turning in a positive direction.

When we repent, we turn from the negative choices and attitudes in our lives and we turn toward the life God intended for us. Repent was meant to be a positive word, not a negative word; a positive turn, not a negative turn. It is a turn from cheapened, self-willed living and a turn toward the good life God intended for us.

Then if my people who are called by my name

will humble themselves and pray and seek my face

and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven

and will forgive their sins and restore their land. (2 Chronicles 7:14)

(Emphasis mine)

I think this turning part is what we often leave out when seeking forgiveness from God, yet we demand it in the forgiveness equation with others. Right?

We all know that to say, “I’m sorry,” without change, is not real sorrow. To stop behavior and then start it again, and then stop it and then start it again? That’s not turning. God knows it and we know it.

If someone says they are sorry, we want to see a change in his or her life. We want others to repent, to make a positive turn.

Repentance is more than a desire to change, it’s taking steps to change.

If you were barreling down the freeway and the Highway Patrol chased you, caught you, and then gave you a ticket, you probably wouldn’t squeal your tires as you drove back onto the freeway. Your behavior would change.

I heard a humorous story about a truck driver who was driving too fast down the highway when the Highway Patrol hit the lights right behind him. The trucker slammed the gas pedal to the floor!

The patrolman got closer and the siren got louder, but the trucker just kept accelerating. The patrolman demanded over his intercom that the trucker pull over, but the driver just continued racing away. There was no repenting, no change of behavior.

Finally, the truck ran out of gas and came to a stop. The patrolman approached the truck and asked the trucker, “Did you see my lights?”

“Yes.” The trucker replied.

“Did you hear my siren and hear me on the speaker instructing you to pull over?”

“Yes.” The trucker answered again.

“Then why didn’t you pull over?” The patrolman demanded.

The trucker said, “Well, it’s like this. A year ago, my wife ran off with a highway patrolman and I thought you might be bringing her back!”

Sometimes, we’re all too much like the speeder whose minds are on everything but our need to change.

Here’s how we A.C.T. to receive God’s forgiveness. We give Him our humble ADMISSION that we have sinned. We do it with genuine CONTRITION, true sorrow for all the times we have fallen short. Then we TURN our lives in a new direction. With God’s help, we repent and go a positive way.

In Luke 24:47, Jesus said to His followers,

“There is forgiveness of sins for all who repent.”

(Emphasis mine)

Forgiveness does not change your past, but it frees you from your past and gives you the hope of a brighter future walking with God.

I was once told a story about a broken relationship between a father in Spain and his teenage son, Paco.

As the account was retold to me, Paco ran away from his home to Madrid, and his grieving father looked everywhere for him. In desperation, the father placed an ad in the Madrid newspaper that read something like this:

“Dear Paco, meet me in front of the newspaper office tomorrow at noon. All is forgiven. I love you.”

The next morning, hundreds of hopeful men named Paco were standing in front of the newspaper office!

The invitation to be forgiven by one’s Father is a powerful, powerful force!

The first law of forgiveness has everything to do with our need to experience forgiveness personally and perfectly from God.  Once we understand our need for forgiveness, how God has provided forgiveness, and how to access that forgiveness, we are closer to learning how to forgive ourselves and others.

SUMMARY:

THE FIRST LAW OF FORGIVENESS—Need and Availability

PRINCIPLES:

1. WE SIN WITH GREAT REGULARITY

2. GOD WANTS TO FORGIVE

3. FORGIVENESS IS AVAILABLE TO EVERYONE

PERSONAL REFLECTION:

1. Are there people and circumstances that you think about frequently, feel harmed by and thus far have been unable to ‘let it go’?

2. Think through your belief about God.  With 1 being very forgiving and 10 being cosmic policeman, before reading this chapter, what was your belief about God?  Has it changed after reading this chapter?

3. As you consider your own need of forgiveness, which step is most important for you to take: admission, contrition or new direction?

Chapter 2. The Second Law of Forgiveness—Payment and Peace

The human heart longs for peace.

We want to experience peace with God. We want to find the path to peace with others.  And maybe most of all, we want to somehow make peace with ourselves and our pasts.

If you could have a ‘do-over’ with parts of your past, would you take it? If you could take back what you said, if you could take back what you did, if you could do over a missed opportunity, would you?

I certainly would.

Logically, we know there is no going back, no changing the past. But we naturally long for a way to escape the guilt, shame and regret of past actions. Our hearts search for a way to move beyond missed opportunities and inflicted pain.

I have good news.

There is one thing and only one thing that will free you from your past and free you for your future, and that is forgiveness.

Too often we waste time on regret, when our hearts should be chasing after forgiveness. Regret is a negative emotion that saps your strength, keeps you looking behind instead of ahead, and holds you captive. But forgiveness unlocks the door, releases you, and allows you to release others from the actions of the past.

Even God won’t change your past, but He will give you the key to change your future by providing a fresh start via forgiveness.

Most of us want to know how that kind of freedom can happen in life, but we simply don’t know where to find it.

There was once a drunk who staggered out of a bar one night and couldn’t find his car keys. He was on his hands and knees crawling around under a streetlight when someone asked him what he was doing:

He said, “I’m looking for my car keys.”

The other guy asked, “Where did you lose them?”

The drunk said, “Over there in the parking lot.”

So the man asked, “Then why are you looking over here?”

The drunk said, “Cause there’s more light over here.”

Perhaps the reason we have yet to find peace with God, peace with others and peace with our pasts is that we have searched in the wrong places.

This is why I am sharing the Four Laws of Forgiveness. In these laws, you will discover all you need to know to receive forgiveness from God, learn to forgive yourself and give forgiveness to others.

The second law of forgiveness is the Law of Payment and Peace. Once we know that all our failures, all our imperfect ways of relating, thinking, acting, believing—all the negative attitudes that have gotten in our way most of our lives—have been paid off like a long overdue bill, THAT is when peace begins.

Here are the principles for this second law:

TO MAKE PEACE WITH SHAME, REGRET AND GUILT REQUIRES HELP

In other words, you can’t do it alone. But man, do we try.

When our ancestors Adam and Eve were placed in the Garden of Eden, God told them that all of the garden was for their enjoyment and pleasure. All of it. All the animals are under your dominion. All the fresh fruit from beautiful trees is yours for the taking.

Not to mention the garden was perfect: perfect weather, perfect living conditions, and even a perfect relationship between men and women. It was paradise on earth.

And God outlined only one rule—just one. In the middle of the garden grows a tree—one specific tree. Don’t eat any of the fruit that grows on that one, singular tree.

Hold the Genesis story in your mind as you think about this story my Professor of Psychology told my class one day in college.

A group of children were put in a room with lots of blocks. They were allowed to stack them, play make-believe with them, arrange them and enjoy them.

All the blocks—lots and lots of blocks—were square and there were plenty of square blocks for every child.

The researchers told the children that there was one round block on each table. The children were instructed not to play with that one round block. They were allowed to play with all the other blocks, but not the round one.Then, the researcher left the room.

Within a few seconds, what do you suppose happened? A little chubby finger began scooting the round block or pushing square blocks into the round block to move it around the table.

Before long, the round block would be incorporated into the playing and stacking and piling games with the square ones.

Of course, this was a story about children. Adults are different, right?

Go back to the adults in the Garden of Eden. They were told all the trees are yours. All the fruit is yours. All the animals and streams and rivers are yours. A perfect husband and wife? Also yours.

EAT. PLAY. ENJOY.

Just don’t eat fruit from that one tree.

What do you suppose people did?

RIGHT!

In the last chapter, you read that there is a predictable pattern that people follow, but it doesn’t have to be that way. God gives us His best plan for life and tells us exactly how to pursue the goodness He intended for us. It’s all written down in our owner’s manual, the Bible.

But, being human, we sometimes convince ourselves we’re a little more savvy than God, so we do things our way. We do what we want.

Before long, life becomes messy, tangled and painful. And after enough pain, we regret our choices. We feel shame and guilt for our selfish, harmful actions.

What can be done to remedy our shame, guilt and regret? Oddly, people often don’t do the obvious thing and turn to God for help. The first thing we typically do is try to work out our issues our own way.

Our attempts to make peace with our past usually involve two verbs: hide and deny.

Once Adam and Eve fell short of God’s plan, like an archer shooting an arrow that falls short, something remarkable happened. For the first time ever, they realized they were naked.

Before the falling short, God’s plan included only innocence and perfection, without shame. After the disobedience of people, the good became bad, the pure became impure, the straight became crooked.

And, like us, Adam and Eve decided to cover up. They sewed together leaves for clothes, believing they could deny their disobedience, and hide their past from God. Hiding and denying are ancient tricks.

When my brother was little, report card day was never a good experience. One report card day, my brother arrived home after school and my mom asked him where his report card was. My brother feigned innocence, “The strangest thing happened. The teacher gave a report card to all the other kids in class, but didn’t give one to me. Strange, huh?”

The truth was my brother’s report card was under a rock, in the mud, at the bus stop.

Do we really think we can hide our imperfect report cards from parents? And do we really think we can hide our imperfect past from God?

All of our hiding, all of our living in denial, eventually becomes like fish in a trashcan—it starts to smell. Even if we keep it buried, the truth starts to come out.

Edgar Allen Poe wrote a frightening little story called the “Tell-Tale Heart.”

In the story, the primary character decides to kill an elderly man. When the sinister deed was done, the killer dismembered the body and hid the corpse under the floorboards in the house.

Within a short time, the police showed up at the house, in response to the complaint of a neighbor who heard a scream. The man of the house insisted it was his own scream from a dream and that all was well.

To prove that, and because he felt confident he had adequately hidden his crime, he gave the police a tour, even seating them in the room where the body was hidden.

But then, because of the guilt pressing in on him, the killer imagined that he could hear the beating heart of the dead man. As it grew louder, he came to believe the police must be able to hear it too.

“LOUDER . . . LOUDER . . . LOUDER . . . .” Poe writes.

Paranoia made the man frantic, so he confessed and told the police where the body was hidden.

Our sins press on us in the same way. They don’t stay hidden, but in our hearts, they become LOUDER . . . LOUDER . . . LOUDER, until we must deal with them.

In Psalm 32:3-5, King David said, “When I refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away, and I groaned all day long. Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me. My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat. Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself, ‘I will confess my rebellion to the LORD.’ And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.”

Hiding and denying may appear to work for a short while, but this is a poor long-term strategy.

A second way we attempt to fix our past is to Do Good.

People attempting to live this way are often called do-gooders. They can come off as holier-than-thou, self-righteous and uptight rule-keepers. They collect the stuff of religion, trying to earn their way to a good “righteousness-résumé” to hand to God one day.

They spin prayer wheels hoping to have more merits than demerits at the end of the day.

They hold to a misleading belief that if I am good enough then my sins won’t matter. My past won’t be an issue. And when I stand at Heaven’s door, there won’t be a problem.

But what if being good isn’t good enough?

I know some very good people still haunted by past decisions and actions. I know some very generous people who struggle with guilt and shame. I know some very hardworking churchgoers who still wonder what it would take to pay off past mistakes and behavior. All their goodness isn’t enough.

People are running . . . running . . . running to escape their pasts.

Hypothetically, even if we could live perfectly from this day forward, we still couldn’t escape “stuff” from our pasts: all the selfishness, all the words spoken in hate or anger, all the violence, all the abuse of our bodies through addiction, all the failure to be the mom or dad we wanted to be, all the inconsistencies, the sexual immoralities, the lack of generosity, the times we showed no mercy. What would we do about all of that?

That stuff weighs on our soul, King David said. We feel it. Like fish in the trash, we smell it and truth be told, we suspect others smell it too.

But people are counted as righteous,

not because of their work, but because of their

faith in God who forgives sinners. (Romans 4:5)

Review the first principle: TO MAKE PEACE WITH PAST SHAME, REGRET AND GUILT REQUIRES HELP

That means God must forgive us.

Principle number two is:

FORGIVENESS IS ALWAYS BASED ON SACRIFICE

When you and I were born, God planted something inside each of our consciences—a sense of justice. We just have it. Only psychopaths don’t because they have killed off their natural inclinations.

Our conscience provides that inherent sense that wrong actions require penalty. You speed, you get a ticket. You hurt a person, you go to jail.

And it’s global. We read about genocide in the Sudan and we cringe. Something inside us says, “Someone has to pay for that.”

When thousands of gallons of oil were spilled in the Gulf of Mexico, we demanded, "Someone has to pay.”

For every negative, there must be a positive. For every debt, there must be payment. It is the life of God in us that seeks and wants justice.

Perhaps you have felt this while driving. Have you ever wished you were a police officer so you could pull over a reckless driver and dispense JUSTICE?

That desire for justice comes from God. The Bible declares over and over again this attribute of God:

Then let the heavens proclaim his justice,

for God himself will be the judge. (Psalm 50:6)

In order to understand the connection between sacrifice and forgiveness now, one must understand this message in the Old Testament. Back then, in order for a wrong to be made right, payment (sacrifice) had to be made so forgiveness could be extended.

When Adam and Eve tried to cover up, to hide and deny their wrongdoing with leaves, God knew a more permanent solution was needed. So God killed an animal, the first sacrifice ever recorded in the history of the world, and God used the skin of that animal to cover the nakedness and sin of Adam and Eve.

If you read the books of Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy in the Old Testament, you’ll find specific instructions about the required sacrifices to get forgiveness.

Someone had to pay.

And even more importantly, you’ll find instructions for the Highest Holy Day in Judaism, Yom Kippur, also known as the Day of Atonement.

On that day, the High Priest—and only the High Priest and only this one day every year—was told to enter the most sacred part of the Tabernacle or Temple, the place called the Holy of Holies.

In that Holy Place, on that one Holy Day each year, the Priest would stand between God and all the people and he would offer a specific sacrifice. That sacrifice, that day, by that priest would ATONE for all the sins of all the people, for the whole previous year! Hence it was called Day of ATONEment.

Think of the word ATONE.

Now, separate it out.

AT . . . ONE

When a sacrifice is made and sins are forgiven, people are no longer separated from God because of sin. After a sacrifice, our wrong-doing is paid for, like a debt that has been cancelled, and we are no longer separated from God. We are AT ONE with God.

Do you see how this relates to our need for justice? Holy God gives us His way to live. We go our own way, creating a separation between us and God. But God, in His graciousness, still provided a sacrifice through Messiah—because someone or something had to pay—to make forgiveness possible.

God established that justice for all sin demands death. Unholiness demands sacrifice.

. . . without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness. (Hebrews 9:22b)

When one studies the New Testament, it becomes clear why Messiah sacrificed His life for us. All along, the Old Testament was pointing to what Jesus would one day accomplish on the cross. Jesus died to fulfill the need for justice.

In John 1:36, The Bible calls Jesus Christ the “lamb of God.”

In 1 Peter 3:18, the Bible says about His death, “the just died for the unjust.”

The Bible also explains why we no longer have animal sacrifices that must be repeated over and over every single year, because the perfect and complete sacrifice finally came.

In Roman’s 6:10, the Bible stresses that when Jesus died, He died ONCE FOR ALL! It was a perfect complete payment where the Old Testament married the New Testament. It all fit. Justice was satisfied.

Now, here’s something that might help make this even clearer. In the Old Testament, there was an Old Covenant or agreement between God and people.

People who put their trust in the way of God were said to have faith, and faith was pleasing to God. They put their faith in God’s ways and by faith, they obeyed His instructions for sacrifice. Therefore, their sins were forgiven.

That’s the way of the Old Testament, called the Old Covenant or the old agreement.

So, what’s different about the New Testament? How did the new agreement change things up?

Reading a conversation from the life of Jesus will provide the answer. As the perfect lamb or sacrifice, He gathered with His followers the night before He was executed for the sins of the world. On that night, Jesus took wine—as a symbol of His blood that was to be shed in that gruesome execution—and said:

Each of you drink from it, for this is my blood,

which confirms the new covenant

between God and his people.

It is poured out as a sacrifice

to forgive the sins of many. (Matthew 26:27b-28)

Jesus said plainly, this is the new agreement between God and people, the New Covenant. As a result, people don’t put their faith in the blood of animals to forgive their sins, but place their faith in the blood and sacrifice of Jesus.

We trust that what Messiah did atones (AT ONES) us with God.

Remember, principle one: TO MAKE PEACE WITH PAST SHAME, REGRET AND GUILT REQUIRES HELP

Principle number two states:

FORGIVENESS IS ALWAYS BASED ON SACRIFICE

Forgiveness is not based on what you can DO. That’s religion; that’s trying to earn your own way, but never being able to shake your past.

The New Covenant, on the other hand, is based on what Jesus DID and what you did when you placed your faith in Him and His gift of grace.

Read this passage (I made all the pronouns personal first person, so you can see how these verses apply to you)

“God saved me by his grace when I believed. And I can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things I have done, so I can’t boast about it. For I am God’s masterpiece. He has created me anew in Christ Jesus, so I can do the good things he planned for me long ago.” (Ephesians 2:8-10)

The next principle lets you off the hook; it provides permission to stop beating yourself up and to stop living in shame, regret and guilt.

Principle Three:

WHEN GOD FORGIVES, HE DOES SO PERFECTLY AND COMPLETELY

Think of past guilt and shame as being like an abusive person who comes and beats you and with his words, tries to defeat you and diminish you.

Your past berates you with:

“You don’t deserve happiness.”

“You won’t get any better.”

“Look at all you’ve done in your life. You can’t expect to receive good.”

“God won’t help you.”

“Look how many people you have hurt and disappointed.”

And every time you remember the past and give it power, every time you walk through those days in your mind and memory—what you said, what you did, what you failed to do right—you give life to the abuser.

There’s only one way to defeat the abuser. The abuser must die.

When we give our past to Christ, He takes it to that cross where He died and it gets put to death with Christ.

And when Jesus rose from the dead, He rose without your past, without your sin. It was ALL left in the grave. That’s why God said, “I forgive your sin and I choose not to remember it!”

Oh, what joy for those whose disobedience is forgiven,

whose sin is put out of sight! (Psalm 32:1)

. . . We all arrive at your doorstep sooner or later,

loaded with guilt, our sins too much for us—

but You get rid of them once and for all. (Psalm 65:2-3—The Message)

Wonder why people struggle with forgiving others? It’s because we haven’t understood how to forgive ourselves.

We are still demanding justice in our lives. We’re still insisting someone has to pay. And we demand the same from others: they have to pay, they have to suffer, justice must be done.

In forgiveness, Jesus takes us by the hand, and He walks us to the cross and He gently says, “Someone did pay. Justice is satisfied.”

Because of what Christ did, the moment you put your faith in Him and His perfect and complete work of sacrifice, you are free from your past.  You have a fresh start with God.  The past is dead and now you can have a brand new future!

SUMMARY:

THE SECOND LAW OF FORGIVENESS—Payment and Peace

PRINCIPLES:

1. TO MAKE PEACE WITH SHAME, REGRET AND GUILT REQUIRES HELP

2. FORGIVENESS IS ALWAYS BASED ON SACRIFICE

3. WHEN GOD FORGIVES, HE DOES SO PERFECTLY AND COMPLETELY

PERSONAL REFLECTION:

1. Have you struggled with forgiving yourself or others? If so, after reading the first principle of this Law, do you see how willing God is to help you with this?

2. Do you agree that our need for justice (someone has to pay), is a reason you have hesitated in forgiving yourself or others?

3. Write out your understanding of the payment Jesus Christ made so that justice can be served and you (and others) can be forgiven.

Chapter 3. The Third Law of Forgiveness—Receiving and Giving

Few people want to be known as a hater, a judger, a grudge holder or a bitter person.

This truth is captured in a story from sage wisdom that says: This is why you don’t marry a Southern woman.

One man married a Northern woman. He told her that she was to do the dishes and housecleaning.  It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house, with dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from the West. He gave her orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a Southern girl. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

To admit that we carry grudges, to admit that we are still angry after the passage of time, to admit that we even hate or are bitter, creates the need to make a decision.

Will I stay this way or will I seek to forgive?

Each day we make decisions about the type of person we will be and the types of behavior we will exhibit. If you are cut off in traffic, what are you going to do? Will you choose to be patient, kind and forgiving? If you are betrayed by a spouse, offended by a relative, what are you going to do?

Numerous studies reveal that those who choose to forgive have lower heart rates, lower blood pressure, better sleep quality, strengthened spirituality, decreased complaints of pain and an increase in immune system function. [2]

Here’s good news: You can’t forgive another without receiving a positive personal blessing for you! When we forgive, the act of letting go sets a prisoner free, and—then later—we often realize the prisoner was us!

The Four Laws of Forgiveness contain blessings for you hidden inside each law. Law One is the blessing of God’s forgiveness of you. Law Two is the blessing of forgiving yourself.

Law Three uncovers the blessing of forgiving others.

I call the third law the Law of Receiving and Giving. And underneath this law are three principles.

The first principle under this law is:

FORGIVEN PEOPLE FORGIVE BEST

Jesus tells a story in Matthew 18 about a rich man who loaned a lot of money to another man. The time came for the borrower to pay back, but he had no money. He begged the lender for more time and promised to repay.

Fortunately, the lender was feeling generous. He showed the poor man mercy, forgave his debt and let him go.

As the borrower left the rich man, he ran into someone who owed him just a small amount of money. He immediately demanded payment, rather than extending the same forgiveness he had just received.

This other poor man begged for mercy and asked for more time, promising to repay.

Stop the story for a moment and reflect: If you had just received mercy and immediately had the opportunity to give mercy to another, what do you suppose Jesus would want you to do?

What did the man in Jesus’ story do? Even though he had his debt forgiven, he did not offer forgiveness and threw the other poor man in jail.

The original rich man, who first gave mercy, heard about this. He called in the borrower who owed him a lot and imprisoned him for his wickedness and reinstated the debt.

This is the Law of Receiving and Giving. The point is painfully clear. If you have ever received forgiveness, that experience should teach you to give forgiveness to others.

It is clear how to apply Law Three: If I have received forgiveness, I am to give forgiveness.

The Bible is not subtle about this:

Instead, be kind to each other,

tenderhearted, forgiving one another,

just as God through Christ has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:32)

Remember the Lord forgave you,

so you must forgive others. (Colossians 3:13b)

(Emphasis mine)

In the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus taught us to pray like this:

. . . and forgive us our sins,

as we have forgiven those

who sin against us. (Matthew 6:12)

But if you refuse to forgive others,

your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:15)

Do not judge others and you will not be judged.

Do not condemn others, or it will come back against you.

Forgive others, and you will be forgiven. (Luke 6:37)

Perhaps now you understand why Law One and Law Two had to come before this law. We have to first understand our own need for forgiveness and embrace how God has forgiven us perfectly and completely, before we feel the powerful pull of this universal third law.

The awareness of all God has done for you is what prompts you to be a better forgiver! On the other hand, the person who doesn’t think he or she has needed much forgiveness from God will likely be a very poor forgiver of others.

But a person who has been forgiven little

shows only little love. (Luke 7:47b)

Receiving, then giving—that’s the sequence. The ability to forgive another begins when we understand our own need to be forgiven.

There is another option. You could choose to “Go Old Testament” on someone: You hurt me, BAM, I hurt you. Eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth!

But if you take that approach, beware of what Gandhi said, “If we all live by an eye for an eye, soon the whole world will be blind.”

This is why Messiah taught that we first receive forgiveness, then we extend forgiveness to others.

Forgiven people, then, often end up becoming the best forgivers.

The second principle of the Law of Receiving and Giving is:

IMPERFECT PEOPLE FORGIVE BY PROCESS

Just to keep each person honest who is reading this book, we each must make this confession: God is perfect. I am imperfect.

Because God is perfect, when He forgives, He does so perfectly.

Because you and I are imperfect, when we forgive, we typically have to give forgiveness repeatedly until we get it right. Our first attempts to forgive are often flawed and imperfect like each of us.

This is why the Bible tells the story of when Jesus was asked how many times we should forgive another person.

“No, not seven times,” Jesus replied,

“but seventy times seven!” (Matthew 18:22)

Here’s how it works. I say to someone, I forgive you. I may mean it at the time, but the next day I wake up, remember the wrongs done to me and I’m angry and hurt all over again. So I must repeat the process and give forgiveness again.

I have said the words “I forgive you,” but I know in my heart the deed that was done, the disappointment that was inflicted and the words that were spoken still have a grip on my heart. They still affect my mood and emotions and still have power to bring back the pain of the wound. So I know that my forgiveness isn’t yet complete. It’s imperfect. So, I must go back and forgive again.

Jesus said that complete forgiveness might take 500 attempts. We must persevere because of the principle tucked inside Law Three: Imperfect people forgive by process.

There is a third and final principle:

THE OFFENDER AND OFFENDED ARE BOTH PART OF THE FORGIVENESS EQUATION

The responsibilities of each party break down like this:

The Offended’s Part—If necessary, it is okay to rebuke the one who did you harm or even walk away from that relationship for a season.

If another believer sins, rebuke that person . . . (Luke 17:3a)

You are so proud of yourselves,

but you should be mourning in sorrow and shame.

And you should remove this man from your fellowship. (1 Corinthians 5:2)

The Offender’s Part—Give a sincere apology as soon as possible.

Here’s a “how to apologize” tip: never ruin an apology with an excuse. Genuine apologies are marked by humility, sincerity, and sorrow that is appropriate for the harm committed.

The Offended’s Part—Create an environment for a fresh start.

Admittedly, letting someone have a “do-over” is risky because this part happens before there’s been genuine change in the other person.

Think through this sequence. You challenge the person’s actions, words or attitudes. You call them out and you take a step away from the relationship. Then, the person comes to you. They are genuine, sorrowful and they apologize.

Now, you open the door to forgive, you float them the chance to begin to earn back your trust.

A good number of you read that scenario and you feel fear creeping into your spirit. You feel the risk of this step. It’s dangerous, we all know, because of one question. How do you know when another person is truly sorry?

The truth is, it is generally impossible to know.

Like giving money to a beggar on the corner, how do you know he or she will use that money for food and not drugs or alcohol? You don’t. Part of the forgiveness equation is that the forgiver, the one hurt, disappointed or offended, is the one who must take some measure of risk.

If there is a spirit of fear or self-protection, then full forgiveness cannot be given.

Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.

An additional fear often creeps into this occasion. There is the fear that if forgiveness is given too quickly or too easily, then bad behavior is condoned. NO! Forgiveness is not condoning the past. Forgiveness creates the possibility for a fresh start in the future.

When you offer forgiveness to another, you are holding open the chance for someone to re-earn trust.

After forgiveness is offered and a chance is extended for the offender to change his behavior and re-earn trust, there is the next part to this sequence.

The Offender’s Part—A turn from old behaviors and attitudes marks the effort to re-earn trust.

For the sequence of forgiveness to be complete and full, the one who committed the harm must demonstrate change. If a person boards the wrong bus, running down the aisle in the opposite direction is not good enough. A person must change busses.

Here’s an example: Jesus encountered a tax collector named Zacchaeus. He had collected unfair taxes, stealing from his own neighbors and from the people of his city. After he met Jesus, and after he received forgiveness from Jesus, look what the Bible says about Zacchaeus’ turn:

Meanwhile, Zacchaeus stood before the Lord and said,

“I will give half my wealth to the poor, Lord,

and if I have cheated people on their taxes,

I will give them back four times as much!” (Luke 19:8)

Zacchaeus proved his change. Scripture demonstrates that a true change will be seen, just like fruit on the branches of a tree.

Produce fruit in keeping with repentance. (Matthew 3:8 [New International Version])

(Emphasis mine)

The sequence above is succinctly summarized in this verse:

If another believer sins, rebuke that person;

then if there is repentance, forgive. (Luke 17:3b)

Repentance is a turn, it’s going down a new road, it’s real change that leads to rebuilt credibility—which is the fruit of repentance.

To review:

The Offended’s Part—It’s okay to rebuke or even walk away for a season.

The Offender’s Part—Apologize as soon as possible.

The Offended’s Part—Create the possibility for a fresh start with rebuilt trust.

The Offender’s Part—Turn from the old, damaging behaviors and attitudes and re-earn trust.

Before concluding this chapter, a crucial question must be addressed: How do you know when you have really forgiven another person?

My wife attended another church for nearly twenty years. Her Pastor would often challenge people to forgive. In teaching about forgiveness, the pastor would ask everyone to write down the name of the person they needed to forgive.

In Karen’s life, very often the name she’d write down was her previous husband’s. There were some tough years in their marriage. So, message after message, when asked who she needed to forgive, Karen wrote down her husband’s name.

Each time, Karen would work through the sequence of forgiveness outlined in this chapter, but each time the pastor asked, she would still write down her husband’s name.

Several years ago, Karen was in church next to her husband. And once again the question was asked from the pastor: whose name do you need to write down, who do you need to forgive? Karen leaned over to her husband and whispered: “I can’t think of anyone to write down.”

It wasn’t until after that church service that she realized that at some time—and she’s not exactly sure when—the anger had gone, the resentments had evaporated and for years before he died, they enjoyed a good season together.

Forgiveness is complete or nearly complete when you can think of the other person and it no longer takes hold of your emotions. You know forgiveness has run its course when you are no longer taken back to the place of pain and injury.

You have forgiven when you don’t go back to the past and you feel no desire to drag the other person back to the past either.

You have forgiven when the sight of that person or the thought of that person is met with your desire to see them blessed and to truly pray good for them.

Before proceeding to Law Four, take personal reflective time and consider:

Who do you need to forgive? Who do you need to let off the hook? Who do you need to open the door to a fresh start, to the “chance” to re-earn your trust?

Who do you need to let out of an emotional prison so you can be free?

Are you quick to forgive, truly forgive, or are you a slow, reluctant forgiver? Do you know how much God has had to forgive in you?

Take thirty seconds and determine the kind of forgiver you are going to be with God’s help.

SUMMARY:

THE THIRD LAW OF FORGIVENESS—Receiving and Giving

PRINCIPLES:

1. FORGIVEN PEOPLE FORGIVE BEST

2. IMPERFECT PEOPLE FORGIVE BY PROCESS

3. THE OFFENDER AND OFFENDED ARE BOTH PART OF THE FORGIVENESS EQUATION

PERSONAL REFLECTION:

1. Are you quick to forgive or reluctant? In what way does your understanding of your own need for forgiveness affect how you forgive others?

2. What do you believe Jesus meant by forgiving others seven times seventy? Are you willing to extend forgiveness many times in order for it to be complete within you?

3. As you consider the ‘back and forth’ choices between the offender and the offended, at what point are you in this process?

Chapter 4. The Fourth Law of Forgiveness—Risk and Reward

Consider this question: Do you have an ironclad guarantee that not only will you live through tomorrow, but that everything will go your way?

None of us do.

Here’s another question: Do you know for sure that you will make it through this day?

None of us do.

To live is to face risk.

Added to the risks that already exist in your life, it should be acknowledged right up front that to forgive is to risk.

Because forgiveness (and all parts of life) has risks, we are constantly doing miniature risk-assessments; cost/benefit analyses for the things we do. And if we conclude that a risk is worth it, we take the risk.

When I was younger, I used to get very nervous to fly on an airplane. I’m not sure why. I had flown several times as a child without experiencing harm.

On one occasion, my dad was in the hospital and I stopped by to visit. While there, the doctor came in so I stepped out to the hall. Across the hall stood another man and we started a casual conversation:

I asked him, “Do you have a loved one here?” He told me he did and then proceeded to tell me this awful story. His wife had broken her neck and was tragically injured.

I thought, how horrible, and wondered what kind of risky behavior she’d been involved in—probably a plane crash, my aviation-adverse mind thought.

He told me she had gotten up in the night to use the toilet and while seated, fell asleep, fell over onto the floor and broke her neck.

I must admit that there are places in life where I thought my neck could have been broken, but that wasn’t one of them.

The next time I was scheduled to fly, I remember distinctly having a conversation with myself and said out loud, “Brad, if a person can break his neck while sitting on the toilet, you’re not safe anywhere. You might as well get on that plane and if you get hurt, well at least you got hurt doing something more exciting than . . . you get the picture.”

From that day on, I have had no fear of flying.

Once you determine that no one gets through life unhurt, no one gets through life risk free, then you learn to choose the risks that carry the chance for the greatest reward. For me, the rewards of flying outweigh the risks of flying. And it is the same way with forgiveness: the rewards outweigh the risks.

Is forgiveness risky, in that we open ourselves up for the possibility of hurt again? Absolutely, but I know from experience that a healed relationship is worth it.

Here’s part of my story. Years ago, I was unfaithful to my wife and family. Nothing could have harmed them or broken their hearts more. What I did was without cause and totally wrong.

I hurt everyone I held dear.

After coming to my senses, I hungered to be forgiven and to have the relationships in my life healed. In the months that followed, I pursued each step we have learned in the previous chapters of this book on forgiveness.

I went to my ex-wife and others I had harmed and poured out my sorrow and confession. I then started the long, hard process of demonstrating the change in my life one day at a time, one building block of trust at a time.

During those years, conversations with my ex-wife were hard, awkward and often emotional. I was always aware of the pain I had caused and the harm I had done. My kids could always feel the elephant of my past in the room and the pain in their hearts remained sensitive and deep.

After two years of humility, sincere contrition and steady trustworthiness, my ex-wife and I had a conversation where she said that she had finally forgiven me. Did that erase my past? NO. Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does change the future.

From the point of her forgiveness and continuing even now, our conversations have been warmer, tension has evaporated, my kids have a lower sense of stress and the peace between us is real and healing.

You ask her if forgiveness is worth the risk? She would say she got to the point when she knew it was, for her sake, for the sake of our kids and for the sake of Christ. And she experiences the reward now in her own peace of mind and in the peace between us.

And of course her forgiveness has been a powerful gift in my spirit and life.

Now, honestly, does it always work out? NO. Could she have forgiven and could I have still chose to crash and burn my life again? Yes. But more times than not, if we take all the people we have ever forgiven and all the relationships that have been healed in our lives because we took risks, I believe we would conclude:

With all its risks, the reward of forgiveness is worth it!

There are three principles that support this fourth Law of Forgiveness:

RISK CAN BE GODLY

This one starts with God. God took a risk when He forgave me and when He forgave you. Allow me to establish the truth of this principle from the word of God.

But God showed his great love for us

by sending Christ to die for us

while we were still sinners. (Romans 5:8)

(Emphasis mine)

This is important. Did He show His love and give His life before or after you and I chose to love Him? He did it before, which was a risk. He had no assurance we would ever love Him back.

We love each other because he loved us first. (1 John 4:19)

(Emphasis mine)

Again, God initiated. He took all the risk. He extended Himself, and made Himself vulnerable, to reconcile a relationship with us.

God engaged in high-risk behavior. Why? God considered a healed relationship worth it.

For the times it works, for the relationships that are healed, for the relationships that are renewed, it’s worth it.

Does it always work? Has everyone on earth chosen to love God back and give Him his or her heart and loyalty? No. But have some? Yes, and that is why God took the risk and gave forgiveness and love first. YOU are why God took a risk and gave forgiveness and love first!

Admittedly, and let’s just keep this real, being first in line to forgive will be frightening. It takes a while to get used to any new, big changes in life.

Once, a passenger in a taxi leaned forward from the backseat to ask the taxi driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.

Then, still shaking, the driver said, "Are you OK? I’m so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.

The driver replied, "No, no, I’m the one who is sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.

I’ve been driving a hearse for 25 years.”

If you don’t want to deal with living, breathing humans, and if relationships don’t matter to you, then you don’t need to make any changes. But if you choose to engage in a new way of living with healthy relational dynamics, it’s going to frighten you from time to time.

Relationships are worth the risk of forgiveness.

God took a risk when he forgave me. So, I am godly each time I take a risk and forgive others. And you are too!

Principle number two:

VULNERABILITY CAN BE GODLY

I am a proud part of the KO Kickboxing Gym in Westlake Village, with Coach Henry, who is in our church. We do a lot of boxing, a lot of kicking, and a lot of learning to protect ourselves in the process.

The key is to hit, while at the same time protecting yourself from a counter punch. The key is to throw a punch and get right back into a defensive stance quickly.

I’ve also spent a period of years in Christian therapy and spent thousands and thousands of dollars getting rebuilt and healed emotionally. Part of what I had to learn was the use of appropriate boundaries and how to say NO to abusing or damaging people.

Psychologically, I have had to learn how to protect myself like I have in kickboxing.

I have had to come to Scripture to learn the art of human relationships so that my relationships resemble God’s desires. I have had to gain the wisdom of knowing when to drop my guard, open my arms, expose my heart, and take a chance on a person who might—just-might—hurt me.

From the Scriptures, I am learning appropriate vulnerability.

In the last chapter, we learned the step-by-step sequence that occurs between the one who hurts another or offends and the one who is hurt or offended. And we learned how the one who hurts us must approach us with a humble attitude before forgiveness can be complete and sealed.

Building on that, when we are approached by a sorrowful person who desires to turn toward God and change their attitudes and actions, that is the very point where, like God, we demonstrate vulnerability and risk.

Here is a visual: when I am attacked physically, I now know how to protect myself and how to take a defensive position. Closed. Protective. On Guard.

But in a relationship when I’m asked for forgiveness, I must take the risk and open myself up to create an environment where true, deep forgiveness can happen.

Stretch your arms open wide. Seem familiar? It’s the position of Jesus on the cross.

After being beaten for crimes He never committed, after being accused of blasphemy which never occurred, after being whipped and His beard torn from His face and after having nails driven through His hands and feet, in the most vulnerable of all positions, with His heart fully exposed, listen to what Jesus said.

Father, forgive them . . . (Luke 23:34a)

God isn’t expecting that we’ll never again do wrong when He forgives us, but He is expecting that we desire to never do wrong again. And people who come to us for forgiveness, come appropriately when it is their desire to never again do us harm.

When God is asked how much He loves us and how willing He is to forgive, He stretches out His arms and says, “This Much!”

THE REWARDS OF FORGIVENESS ARE GREAT

This is the final principle supporting the fourth Law of Forgiveness.

In the Old Testament, Joseph was the youngest of many brothers. His older siblings sold him into slavery. For years he suffered as a slave and was imprisoned for a time unfairly. His life was horrendous.

Over time, Joseph rose in fame and authority in Egypt, so that when a famine hit the Middle East, Joseph was put in charge of distributing all the food rations for the entire nation. In a famine, food is more valuable than gold.

Starving people would line up and tell their stories of suffering. Joseph had sole authority and full ability to give as much or as little food as he decided. He held a lot of power. People were fed or sent away to die on his command.

One day, a group of hungry men came forward in the line begging for food.

They were familiar. Joseph recognized the men. They were his brothers who many years before had sold him for pocket change to slave traders.

In that moment, Joseph recognized them, but they did not recognize him.

Pause for a moment and consider: what would you do? Joseph could have had them imprisoned. He could have had them killed. He could have turned them out into the cold night and let them starve.

Eventually, the brothers became aware of Joseph’s identity. Can you imagine their sheer fright and dilemma? Watch the story unfold, as the brothers send a message to Joseph:

Before your father died, he instructed us to say to you:

“Please forgive your brothers for the great wrong they did to you—

for their sin in treating you so cruelly.” “So we, the servants

of the God of your father, beg you to forgive our sin.”

When Joseph received the message, he broke down and wept.

Then his brothers came and threw themselves down before Joseph.

“Look, we are your slaves!” they said.

But Joseph replied, “Don’t be afraid of me. Am I God,

that I can punish you? You intended to harm me,

but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position

so I could save the lives of many people. No, don’t be afraid.

I will continue to take care of you and your children.”

So he reassured them by speaking kindly to them. (Genesis 50:16-21)

Forgiveness. Kindness. Risk. Reward. Through forgiveness, Joseph won back his brothers.

In Matthew 18:15, Jesus’ teachings reinforced this, “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back.”

To have your brother back, to have a former best friend back, to have your spouse back or your child...to have a once precious relationship back is the GREAT reward of forgiveness.

I know a man who over twenty years ago suspected his wife was having an affair. He followed his suspicions and the scenario was worse than he anticipated. He discovered that she was cheating with his very own brother. Can you imagine the sense of betrayal having been cheated on by both his wife and his brother?

He was devastated. The family was fractured. And worse turned to worse. His wife left and eventually married his brother.

Over time, this man remarried, had a sweet family with his new wife, but way more wonderfully—and if you ever want a modern day miracle, this is one—he and his brother reconciled through the power of Christ and the power of forgiveness.

Today, the two families celebrate holidays together. They attend church together. Their children are friends as well as cousins. It’s nearly unbelievable.

Imagine this same power of forgiveness in your life, in your circumstances, in your heart and in your relationships. Can you envision the reward of a family once decimated and fractured, now healed and together?

Some who are reading this chapter are thinking: I COULD NEVER DO THAT. I’ve felt that way too.

But then I remember it’s not just my power that comes into play, but the power of the master forgiver; the power of the One who created the universe and the power of the One who raised Messiah from the dead. This same power exists for ALL who love and obey Him.

With His power at work within you, you too can take the risk, open your arms, expose your heart and enjoy the rich rewards that forgiveness brings.

If we sum up the four laws of forgiveness, we see that they all go back to God. They all go back to our Savior, to the One who first loved us, who chose to front-load forgiveness by dying in our place.

He took the risk, He took the nails, He opened His arms and heart and loved us with vulnerability. And He did so because He determined that the reward of having a relationship with us was worth it.

Determine with His help to base your life on the forgiveness given to you. Remember vividly how necessary it now is to share that kind of risky, vulnerable forgiveness with others. Take a step. Take the risk. The rewards of forgiveness are so worth it.

SUMMARY:

THE FOURTH LAW OF FORGIVENESS—Risk and Reward

PRINCIPLES:

1. RISK CAN BE GODLY

2. VULNERABILITY CAN BE GODLY

3. THE REWARDS OF FORGIVENESS ARE GREAT

PERSONAL REFLECTION:

1. List the risks associated with forgiving someone who does you wrong.

2. You don’t have to be an artist to attempt this next exercise. Draw a picture of Jesus on the cross with arms outstretched and vulnerable. Now, draw a picture that reflects your current vulnerability and openness to forgive. How similar are the two pictures?

3. Though it may be difficult to picture the rewards of forgiving, please list the rewards and use this list as a prayer for God to create a desire in you for each one.

Appendix

The most commonly asked question I have received is: What if the person never asks for forgiveness OR doesn’t realize they need it?

Imagine with me the metaphor that forgiveness is a gift. Before a gift is given, there is internal work that must occur in your heart. You must come to a place where you desire to give the gift from a sincere place.

Once the desire is there to give the gift, then, a price must be paid. In a spiritual sense, there is no forgiveness without someone paying a price. Sacrifice and forgiveness go hand in hand. They coexist.

In the process of you getting ready to forgive another person—to give them this gift—you must begin paying the price for the gift. You pay the price by giving up your need or desire for revenge (and your heart gets a little lighter). You pay the price of no longer holding the grudge, feeding the bitterness or replaying the harm over and over in your mind.

What begins to happen within you is freedom. What you begin to experience is initial steps of healing.

Some people pay this price on the installment plan. They can’t bring themselves to do it all at once, and so they ‘let go’ of their rights, they lay down their justifications and slowly pay the price for the gift a little at a time.

All this can be accomplished even before another person is ever aware of the pain they have inflicted, the harm they have done or the disappointment they caused. This part of the process occurs within you and in your own spiritual journey.

Once the gift has been “paid for,” something beautiful happens. The gift is now ready in your heart. It’s like the gift is now wrapped and sitting in that place where once there was only pain. In that space within you where there was a wound, now there sits this gift.

Now, imagine that you reach into your heart, take the gift in your hands, and extend this gift in the direction of another.

Stop at this point and consider this: all the benefits that come from forgiving another person are ALREADY yours at this point. Healing has transpired, a lightness of soul has replaced a former heaviness, and you are at a more peaceful place with God and with yourself. This has taken place before a person ever admits wrong or asks you to forgive them.

Now, we go back to the image of you extending a gift toward the person who harmed you, wronged you or disappointed you. What if they never come to you seeking the gift? What if they never acknowledge the wrong they did or admit the forgiveness they need?

The good news is you have already done everything necessary to forgive them should they ever ask you for it. And, you are already enjoying blessings of forgiveness in your life.

Like a beautifully wrapped present that was purchased at a very high price, you will have the gift ready for them, so they too can enjoy the blessing of the gift and the benefits of forgiveness. Until then, they are not forgiven. That happens the moment they acknowledge their need to be forgiven and ask you for it.

In the meantime, you already have the blessings and you already enjoy the benefits of the ‘gift.’

Most of this process is really about your heart and mine; it’s about our attitudes, our work, our process and our willingness to get freed from a past of pain. It’s about our readiness to begin a life moving forward into the blessed future God has waiting for each of us.

Endnotes

Chapter 1. The First Law of Forgiveness—Need and Availability

1.  David Williams, “Men Waste £2,000 in Fuel While Lost,” Telegraph.co.uk - Telegraph Online, Daily Telegraph and Sunday Telegraph - Telegraph. The Telegraph, August 24, 2010, Web. 18 Sept. 2011, http://www.telegraph.co.uk/motoring/news/7960150/Men-waste-2000-in-fuel-while-lost.html.

Chapter 3. The Third Law of Forgiveness—Receiving and Giving

2.  “Benefits of Forgiveness Include Real Stress Relief,” Gentle Stress Relief Tips for Peace Health & Happiness, GentleStressRelease.Com, Web. 18 Sept. 2011, http://www.gentle-stress-relief.com/benefits-of-forgiveness.html.

Table of Contents

Title Page

Copyright

Acknowledgements

Introduction

Chapter 1. The First Law of Forgiveness—Need and Availability

Chapter 2. The Second Law of Forgiveness—Payment and Peace

Chapter 3. The Third Law of Forgiveness—Receiving and Giving

Chapter 4. The Fourth Law of Forgiveness—Risk and Reward

Appendix

Endnotes

Back Cover