Sow Much More: A Personal Testimony

An Inspirational True Short Story

PUBLISHED BY:

Lynn R Davis

Copyright © 2013

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No part of this publication may be copied, reproduced in any format, by any means, electronic or otherwise, without prior consent from the copyright owner and publisher of this book. This book is based on a true story. The events of this story are real. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Table of Contents

PART I:              SOW WHAT?

Chapter 1               Faith Don’t Fail Me Now

Chapter 2               Preparing the Grounds

Chapter 3               Denied!

Chapter 4               Meet the Flockers

Chapter 5               Waiting and Watching

Chapter 6               Are You There God?

PART II:               DEAR FASTING JOURNAL

Daniel Fast Diary     Days 1 through 21

PART III:               BREAKING POINT

Chapter 7               Breakdown or Breakthrough

Chapter 8              When God Sends Rain

Chapter 9               First the Blade

Chapter 10               No Matter What

Dedication

Christian or not I was going through hell. Foreclosure was imminent, the refrigerator was bare, my business was failing and my son was on drugs. Ritually, I petitioned God, begging Him to intervene. Then I’d wait and wait some more. But nothing happened.  Earnings dropped. Foreclosure notices came. My son plummeted further into addiction. Doubt mocked me relentlessly, “Mountains don’t move stupid.” I lay awake nights confused and hurt. “Why me Lord? I’m a Christian.” “God, where are you?” “Why aren’t You doing something?”

I was calling, but He wasn’t answering.

That year was one of the most challenging seasons of my life. My new business started failing. I was behind on my mortgage. My son was on drugs. My favorite Aunt was battling breast cancer. I had mustard seed faith, but the mountains weren’t moving. I attended church. I worked in ministry. I loved God. I read my bible. But I struggled.

This story is for everyone who knows that God can, but wonders when he will. It’s for every believer who needs to answer the question, “Why isn’t my faith working?”

PART I:

SOW WHAT?

Chapter 1: Faith Don’t Fail Me Now

M

y stomach knotted. The fire was obviously bad. I was a good half mile away and I could see the mountain of smoke high above the neighborhood. I slowed to turn right, then noticed two fire engines were blocking the local shortcut road to Royster Avenue. I parked on the shoulder and ran up to the firefighters directing traffic. “I have to get through. That’s my grandmother’s house.”

He seemed almost nonchalant, “I’m sorry ma’am, but you’ll have to go around. We can’t let anyone through.”

Though somewhat rude, his unconcerned demeanor did put me at ease. Maybe things weren’t as bad as they seemed. “Alright, but can you please just tell me if everyone is okay?”

His eyes never left the traffic he was directing, “Yes ma’am. Everyone got out of the house okay. Now please move your car off the shoulder.”

I exhaled with a sigh of relief. Everyone was okay. I was sure there was damage to the house, though. Maybe Grannie would stay with us at Dad’s for a while. It would be nice to hear her hearty laugh around the house. I got in my car and drove around as directed. It was nearly dark, but I could still see well enough to maneuver onto a grassy area about 20 yards from where a crowd of people was standing. I hopped out of the car and hurriedly moved toward the onlookers congregating in small groups as they gazed at the roaring fire. Others were trying to get a closer look, but I could see firefighters pushing them back. The flames were furious. The house was almost gone. I squinted trying to find Granny through the smoke and coming evening grey, but I couldn’t find her. She must be in the ambulance already. I figured her already weak lungs had probably taken a beating.

I saw my Uncle Robert first. I rushed over to him. I asked him the same question I’d asked the less-than-helpful firefighter minutes earlier, “Is everybody okay?”

My uncle took his eyes off the burning house and looked directly at me, “Your grandmother didn’t get out.”

I dropped as if gravity was yanking me to the ground. Limp, in my uncle’s arms, I could heard myself moaning, “No. no. no.”

Holding me upright, he comforted me as he led me over to his wife standing in the middle of the crowd. She had her hands over her mouth, staring at her childhood home engulfed in flames. She looked helpless. She reached out to me. We hugged. Then we held hands and watched. We just stood there together, dazed and numb.  Awed at the speed the total destruction was taking.

A man screaming jolted us from our stupor. We turned simultaneously in the direction of a growing disturbance to see Granny’s middle son, Lewis, wrestling with the firefighters.

“Let me go. She’s still in there. I gotta go get her.”

A firefighter and two neighbors were trying to calm him while holding him back. As suddenly as he’d screamed, he dropped to the ground sobbing. I’d never seen any of my uncles cry before.

My aunt turned away burying her head into the side of my neck. I felt the wetness drip down my shoulder as she squeezed me closer. I dropped my head on her shoulder. There were no words. I tried not to think of my granny suffering, burning alive. I tried to push those thoughts away, they kept swirling back and I kept pushing them away. I hoped that the smoke had caused her to pass out and that maybe she was spared the pain of feeling her flesh burn. For a moment, I thought I was going to vomit.

I took a deep breath, kissed my aunt’s cheek, and pulled away. Our arms dropped. I walked over to a nearby porch to sit down. Others had gathered there, also looking on as the murderous monster roared in the night destroying its prey completely and relentlessly. I felt helpless. I wanted it to be a bad dream. And I could tell everyone else wished the same thing. Sitting in the dark, smoke-filled night in silence, lips quivering, bodies trembling, tears streaming; we watched until nothing was left but a pile of ash and charred timber.

One columnist with channel 8 news wrote,

…a kerosene heater that was too close to curtains caused the fire Tuesday night on Royster Avenue in East Austin. Austin firefighters were called to the scene just after 8 p.m. Tuesday. They had it under control in less than an hour, but because the fire burned so hot and so fast, one woman inside did not make it out alive … efforts kept it from spreading, but it wasn't out in time to save 67-year-old Annie Mae Brown.

I will never forget my uncle’s voice, Your grandmother didn’t get out. Those words are always with me.

~  ~  ~

Eight years later, in the early fall of 2011, again I was reminded of the pain and anguish of that night and of the complete disregard that fire has for life of any kind. The Texas wildfires blazed over one million acres and ravaged the lives of thousands of families, leaving them homeless. When it was all said and done, Fox News reported nearly 1,400 homes destroyed in the Bastrop community alone. Across all channels, news anchors marveled that only four lives were lost. I knew from the perspective of those families that those four lives lost would rock the very core of those people. I empathized with the families, I prayed for their strength, comfort and restoration. I prayed for rain and calming winds. I also prayed because I remembered, Your grandmother didn’t get out.

That summer was hell for more reasons than just wildfires. The drought was horrific. Not just climate wise, but economically I was in trouble. And I didn’t know what to do.

As For Me And My House

July 14th, 2011, I’d received a notice from the bank. In part it stated, the above referenced property is about to be foreclosed. We expect the ownership of this property to be transferred to our bank in the next 60-90 days…If you wish to submit a request to live in this property after HUD becomes owner, your written request must be received in 20 days…  I was scared. I didn’t want to lose my home.

Several yards on my street had white signs that read FORECLOSURE in bold red letters. I prayed I’d never see one of those signs up close and personal, but my mortgage was delinquent. There was no equity to borrow. My credit score was 580 and no refinance company would even give me a second look. I contacted the bank’s loss mitigation department to begin the modification process. President Obama’s mortgage program, the Home Affordable Refinance Program (HARP), was designed to help people stay in their homes, but nothing about this process seemed straightforward. I’d watched a piece on CNN about the banks giving struggling homeowners the runaround. Dropped calls, losing paper work and continuing to push forward with foreclosure anyway was I heard about. A long list of banks were mishandling applications, mainly the biggest bailout recipients. Banks that should have been more than willing to help had the lowest rate of approving participation in this program. My bank was at the top of the bad list. But I had to try. I submitted my application and started the process for HARP.

Weeks turned into months. Operators transferred me from one “specialist” to another, all the while my mortgage was falling further behind. Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I should have kept my day job. Maybe I didn’t hear God correctly. Maybe I’m not supposed to have this home. Maybe…maybe…maybe…

I had more questions than answers. Questions that only the bank could answer, if they would only pick up the doggone phone. But the bank wasn’t on my side. They were in business to make money and I was just a loan number. Every week I called. Every week I got the answering service. When I finally got a live person, the news wasn’t good.

What’s Wrong with My Seed?

Though hand join in hand, the wicked shall not be unpunished: but the seed of the righteous shall be delivered.— Proverbs 11:21

The phone was ringing. I didn’t recognize the number but something told me to answer.

“Hello?”

“Hi, is this Rodney’s mother?”

Who the heck was this? I hesitated a moment, “Yes it is. Who is this?”

“I’m Kendrick’s uncle. He and Rodney are friends. They got pulled over by the cops for swerving in the road.”

We’d only got him that car a few months earlier and already he’s getting into trouble? My heart was beating fast. “Is anybody hurt?”

“Oh no ma’am, but I’m here and the cops have them standing outside the car.”

“Where?”

“Stamford subdivision, near the…”

I cut him off, “Yes, I know where it is. Thank you.” I hung up, grabbed my keys and shot out the door. The neighborhood was only five minutes away. On the way I prayed, God give him favor with the officer.

When I pulled up, my son and his friend were standing on the curb and the cop was still talking to them while another cop stood next to the patrol car. There was another SUV parked nearby. I assumed that was the uncle of the kid sitting on the ground next to Rodney’s red Nissan. I parked off the shoulder and walked toward them. As I approached, Rodney’s eyes met mine and he quickly looked away. I introduced myself and the officer very kindly explained what happened.

Then he looked at my son and asked, “Do you want to tell her?” Rodney dropped his head and stared blankly at the sidewalk.

“Well,” the officer continued and he held up a tiny Ziploc bag, “We found weed in the car.”

All I could muster was a confused, “Weed?” That was it. That was all I had. I rubbed my temples.

Officer Patrick looked back toward the boys, “I’m not going to take him downtown.” I just looked confused as the words weren’t sinking in. The officer kept talking, “I’m not going to issue him a ticket. I know Rodney from the high school. I patrol the campus regularly. He’s a good kid. And he admitted there were drugs in the car.”

A good kid, that’s what I’d believed all these years, but this had me wondering what I didn’t know. I called his father to tell him what “his” child had done. We laughed a little because whenever RJ did something bad, he was his father’s child. But whenever the smart, responsible RJ achieved something, I referred to him as my child. Though we’d divorced when Rodney was 10, we were totally committed parents and good friends.

Only this time the laughing didn’t last long. This was far too serious to take lightly. We talked to him that evening. His father did most of the talking. I was too angry to speak. When I did, I was just firing out questions that he had no time to answer: What were you thinking? Don’t you know how dangerous that was? What if someone had gotten hurt? What if you’d gone to jail? Are you seriously hanging out with people who do drugs? Didn’t we teach you better than that? I couldn’t help myself. I was irate and he knew it.

We asked if he was getting addicted. We asked if he needed help. We assured him we would be supportive. He promised us that the drugs weren’t his, but another friend of his. We told him no friend would ask him to “hold” drugs.  He swore he didn’t have an addiction. We said we believed him, but deep down I didn’t. We took the keys as punishment and used his allowance to pay the traffic violation. I scheduled an appointment with his pediatrician for a physical and drug screen. The test came back negative. His father and I attended court with him. As a 16-year-old minor with a first offence, he was offered deferred adjudication and had to complete a drug course and 40 hours of community service.

Who was this kid? I didn’t know him.  He’d never in his life uttered a disrespectful word or acted rebelliously toward me or his father. He was a mom’s dream. Then around age 15, I noticed a few changes. He wanted to sleep over at his friend’s more often. His grades were slipping (a C here and a D there), we got a complaint from a teacher about disrespectful behavior. I thought that maybe these were just signs of puberty—nothing that I would have considered alarming. He tried to wear his clothes baggier. And I’d just gripe at him to pull those pants up. And he’d do it.

Then he wanted to get his ears pierced. His father and I didn’t allow it. One thing he wanted that wasn’t to our taste, we did allow though. He wanted to let his hair grow and wear cornrow braids. I didn’t really care for it, but agreed to let him try it. I figured it was the lesser of two evils.  Had I been really paying attention, I would have noticed some of these were signs. Then, when he turned 16 we got him the Nissan. We actually thought he was responsible enough to handle having a car. But swerving in the road and having drugs? I just didn’t get it.  I tried to understand, but I just couldn’t.

He was spared a record. I was grateful to God for the favor but still angry. We’d made it through or so I thought. I didn’t suspect that incident was just the beginning. I spent thousands on traffic tickets, legal fees, and other expenses trying to do what only God could have done—save my son from himself. My son’s rebellion took a toll on our family financially, physically and emotionally. Plain and simple, it hurt to see him in such a dark place. I felt helpless.

I remember it was Mother’s Day 2011 that hurt the most. He hadn’t been home but I knew where he was and that there was a chance I’d run into him. After church, I went to visit my aunts. I visited my Aunt Karen first. She was sitting on her front porch when I pulled into her driveway. I saw her sitting on the porch, our eyes met. She always smiled wide when she saw me. Her smile always made me feel at home.

“Hi Tweedy!” That was her nickname for me since I was born with only one twig of hair on top of my head.

“Hi Auntie.” I walked carefully as I climbed the steep steps to her porch. I gave her a big hug and kiss. She giggled a little like she always does. I sat beside her and we started talking about everything from the weather to televangelists to the latest books we were reading. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of an average, skinny figure sauntering across from Granny’s lot. At first I thought it was one of the bums that had taken to sleeping over there. But it wasn’t, it was my son. I had a mix of feelings; sadness, embarrassment, anger, resentment and a stab of fear. I tried not to frown at his disheveled appearance. He slowly, shuffling his feet, came closer. His basketball shorts were hanging below his butt and I could see his underwear. I cringed.

He made his way up the stairs. “Hi Ma. Happy Mother’s Day,” he kissed my cheek.

I gave him a sideways look of disapproval. “Thank you.” It was the best I could do.

He hugged and kissed Aunt Karen and then sat on the bottom step staring at the ground. He was high on something. I didn’t know what. His sleeves were short. I didn’t see any marks on his arms. So I guessed maybe he wasn’t using needles. I looked at Auntie and she gave me her it’s going to be alright look. I sighed and forced myself to talk to him. I knew what he needed was love.

“Are you doing okay, Rodney?” I only called him by his full name when I was upset. I realized I was doing it, but I couldn’t stop myself.

“Yes Ma’am, I’m fine.”

I hadn’t known what else to say. I was so angry. Aunt Karen picked up the conversation to keep a silence from growing. I don’t even know what she was able to think to talk about. I wasn’t listening. My mind was far away. I pretended to laugh and participate in the conversation. My baby is on drugs. How did this happen?

The whole scene was over in five minutes.

RJ got up, “Alright Ma. Ima go.” He hugged me again. This time I hugged him back. I felt the tears welling in my eyes. I fought them back.

“OK.”

Aunt Karen sighed as he walked off, “He’s gonna be alright. I’m keeping an eye on him.”

“Thanks Auntie. I appreciate that.”

That wasn’t the best Mother’s Day, in fact, it was the worst. The memory made me sad. But God did show me that he had people watching over RJ even when I couldn’t and I was grateful for that. But still, months later, it was more of the same.

Whatsoever I Was Setting My Hand to Do Was Not Prospering

My money was dwindling. Bills were past due. I was eating beans, rice and whatever else was left in the pantry. Where did I go wrong? Just 18 months earlier I’d celebrated early retirement from my 9-5 prison cell, aka cubicle, and started working from home. But now I was struggling. If I didn’t know better I’d think that all of those naysayers jinxed me. So many people warned me about quitting my “good” job in a down economy. But I was sure. I was ready to go. I had money saved and I was ready. I had faith and I wasn’t afraid to use it. However, when things started getting bad and my income dropped by more than a third, what had previously been a leap of faith felt more like a blindfolded bungee jump from the Golden Gate Bridge. I was falling fast with no way of knowing whether I would bounce back or drown in the deep murky waters of failure. I knew that my dream mattered to God. I knew he wanted me to be successful. Just like I knew He loved my son and wanted us to be ok. So why wasn’t it?

As I sat on the front porch, I prayed for wisdom, God, What am I doing wrong? I know you want me to do well. What’s holding me back? In my spirit, love’s calming voice answered, You have to sow.

I went inside and grabbed my NIV Bible off the nightstand. I opened it to the parable of the sower in Mark Chapter 4 hoping to get the answer I’d been looking for:

26 He also said, “This is what the kingdom of God is like. A man scatters seed on the ground. 27 Night and day, whether he sleeps or gets up, the seed sprouts and grows, though he does not know how. 28 All by itself the soil produces grain—first the stalk, then the head, then the full kernel in the head. 29 As soon as the grain is ripe, he puts the sickle to it, because the harvest has come.”

—Mark 4:26-29

I didn’t understand. I read it again. God what are you telling me? Sow What? Sow seed? What kind of seed? Money?

I dropped the bible on the couch on my way back to the front porch to read the mail I’d collected earlier. First I opened the HOA letter expecting to see a collection threat, but it had nothing to do with the $235 I owed. It was a warning notice about the “poor condition” of my yard.  They were threatening to fine me if I didn’t mow and clean. I was irritated. There were yards with higher weeds than mine that looked far worse than mine. The nerve of them threatening to fine me. We were in a drought for God’s sake. There was a prohibition on watering lawns. I crumbled up the letter. My yard was pretty bad but their timing sucked. Nothing was growing but weeds. I’d given up on trying making it look any better. I just wasn’t motivated. Stage 2 water restrictions and limited funds made it difficult to keep up the maintenance let alone grow green grass. Besides, I had more pressing problems than the HOA threats.

I sat there for a moment looking over the rail into the yard. The yard was hurting and so was I. It was a reflection of my life. It was dry, dying and nothing was growing but weeds. The more I looked at the field of hay-colored grass with weeds spilling over the edges of the sidewalk, the angrier I became.

“Who cares about the stupid yard?”  I blurted out loud. Tears welled, “The bank wants to take the house anyway, let them deal with the stupid yard.” The instant those words left my lips, I felt like I’d done something terribly wrong. And I had. I’d spoken words of defeat and doubt. I knew better. I wasn’t a quitter. I was moved to repent right away, I’m sorry Lord. Please help me. I just don’t know what to do.

That evening, I promised God that I would obey whatever He told me to do. I read the Parable of the Sower again before I went to bed. Maybe if I slept on it, I would subconsciously gain some understanding.

Chapter 2: Preparing the Ground

I

grabbed a shopping cart and loaded it with fertilizer, a new sprinkler and a sturdy water hose. At the advice of a good friend, I purchased a winter rye seed mix. He said it worked well on his dad’s lawn, so I figured what the heck? I had nothing to lose and everything to gain by trying. When I got home I threw on some ripped up jeans, a faded t-shirt and my blue eight-year-old Nike running shoes. I walked out onto my porch. For a few minutes I just stared at the blankets of brown, dried up stems. It looked more like a field of hay than grass. I worked my fingers into new, green garden gloves, grabbed the rake from the garage, and got to work. By noon I was feeling a bit overwhelmed, I sat in the center of the yard; dirt stained, dusty braids and dirty cuticles. But there was no stopping. I had to finish. I kept going. Pulling, raking and dumping. The grass crunched beneath my sneakers.  The smell of rotten fish interrupted my inspection—it was dog poop! Gross. That was my sign for a break.  After two laborious hours, I kicked off my sneakers, dusted myself off a bit and went inside for a drink. I poured an icy glass of lemon zest tea and practically guzzled it. I sat on the porch holding the glass and looking at all of the work I’d done. It was good.

Lesson I: De-clutter your heart.

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. —Psalm 51:10

I looked out over the ground. There had been so much debris covering the ground that grass didn’t stand a chance of growing, let alone surviving in a drought. All of a sudden, I understood! The ground was my heart and the seed I needed to sow wasn’t money, it the Word. No amount of money could save my son. He was telling me to sow more of His Word. But before I could sow the Word and expect it to produce, I had to clean up my heart. I was too angry. I was angry with RJ. I was angry with myself, the bank and maybe even God. I sat back in the chair and I just observed and listened with my heart. All of the anger, resentment, doubts and fear were covering my heart like dead thatch. It was keeping my faith from yielding the bountiful blessings that God wanted me to experience. The lack of results in my life wasn’t God’s fault. It wasn’t that the Word (seed) wasn’t working. It was the condition of my heart. It was filthy. It was cluttered with anger, resentment and doubt. No Word could possibly produce a harvest on such contaminated soil. The Word will produce a lasting harvest when it is planted in well-prepared soil.

After we pray for God’s help and sow the promise in our heart, we have to realize that there is a process. We should never be discouraged because we don’t see quick results. Take heart that what you cannot see is by far the most important part of the sowing process.

A seed first begins its growth by pushing deep down into the earth rooting itself, absorbing water, minerals and nutrients from the soil. That’s why the ground has to be cleared of clutter, debris, rocks etc. Our hearts have to be clear of envy, jealousy, strife, doubt and unbelief before we can plant the Word. If we fail to prepare our hearts, we can’t expect the Word to flourish.

But once that seed germinates and is firmly rooted it can support growth above the surface. That’s when it begins to blossom and grow. God assured me that the conditions of my problems were changing in my favor. I couldn’t see it, but one day, if I didn’t give up, I would witness the blossom.

The Seed Knows Its Purpose.

All by itself the Word of God will produce a harvest in our lives. Once it is planted in our hearts, it knows what to do. It knows how to bring the blessing forth. But we have to clean our hearts before we plant it.

It was hard work clearing away the debris from the lawn and I knew it would be even harder to deal with the issues of my heart. From the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. Words that come forth when we speak, come from the heart. If you sow Psalm 34:19 in your heart, in tough times the Word will produce. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers us out of them all. However, if you sow your favorite blues singer’s lyric, the harvest of your mouth may be something like:woe is me. Nobody loves me. I’m probably going to die unhappy and broke.

What we carry in our hearts matters. We just can’t hold on to these things and expect the Word to take root and produce the promise. What we may end up with instead are weeds. The condition of my heart mattered. If I was going to get a breakthrough, I had to clean it up. I was motivated. I was the student and God was the teacher. We can’t hold un-forgiveness, hatred, envy and strife.   James 3:16 says, For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work. I had to clean up my heart so that I wouldn’t give the enemy an opportunity to steal the seed that had been planted in my heart.

Chapter 3: Denied?

I

poured a cup of coffee and went to the dining room to look at the yard from the window. I made it just in time to see a young girl walking the cutest little brown Yorkshire terrier. I’ve always wanted one of those. It confidently pranced down the sidewalk and then abruptly stopped in front of the lamppost just in front of my yard. He started sniffing around. The next thing I knew, the little brown beauty bent his hind legs and started to squat. I rushed to the front door spilling drops of coffee on the linoleum as I opened the front door.

“Hey, please don’t let your dog take a poop in my yard!”

Without even looking up, the girl jerked the leash and sashayed down the sidewalk. Some people have no respect.  Just because there was no grass, didn’t mean my front yard was a pooping ground.

Irritated at the girl and the spilled coffee, I returned to kitchen for a paper towel and started cleaning my mess. I was still mumbling out of irritation when the phone rang. I walked over to the counter to see a 1-800 number on the caller ID. It had to be the bank. For once I was excited to answer a toll free call.

“Hello?” I balled the paper towel and shot for the garbage can. I missed.

“May I speak with Lynn Manor?”

The house was still in my married name. “This is she.”

“Hi Ms. Manor this is an attempt to collect a debt…bla,bla,bla…”

I quickly rambled my address, phone number and loan number for verification. I hate that part. Is it even necessary? If there’s an identity thief out there who wants to pay my mortgage please let them.

“Thank you ma’am. I’m calling because your loan is severally past due. How would you like to take care of the past due balance today?”

I was confused. My forehead wrinkled. I rolled my eyes and responded in my best are-you-stupid-voice, “I applied for a modification in June. I’m still waiting for the assigned specialist to call me. Isn’t that noted on my account?”

“Oh I’m sorry ma’am. Let me take a look at your account. Can you hold for a moment?”

I plopped down on the couch. I knew it wasn’t this person’s fault, I sighed and said, “Yes, I can.” Can’t these people get anything right? I didn’t time it, but I’m sure it was over 5 minutes I was waiting.

“Ma’am, are you there?”

“Yes. I am,” I answered in my duh voice.

“Ma’am I see that your request for a modification had been denied September 21st due to inability to reach affordability.”

“What! Nobody contacted me. I just spoke to someone last week who told me my application was in underwriting. Now you’re telling me I’ve been denied and I didn’t even know it?”

“I’m sorry ma’am, your modification specialist should have contacted you. So how would you like to take care of the $5,126.00 balance today …”

Click

I hung up.

My eyes were stinging. I fought the tears as I dropped the headset on the carpet and lay back on the couch staring up at the whirling fan blades. A tear rolled down my face. “God why aren’t you fixing this?”

I had to pull it together. I felt guilty for being rude. She was just doing her job. I grabbed the remote and flipped to the contemporary gospel channel. Music always helped calm me. I had to think. I wished I had someone to talk to. But I couldn’t risk anyone betraying my confidence. I imagined the not-so great advice I’d receive from some of my friends and family, “Let the bank have the house. Rent yourself a nice condo,” “Your son is 19. Kick him out,” “Just give up on the work at home thing and go back to a traditional job.”

None of which I agreed with or wanted to hear. I’d spent time in prayer and God never once advised me to kick him out or give up on my new business or just let the home foreclose. Don’t get me wrong though, I thought about kicking my son’s behind and then kicking him out on more than one occasion, but God saved him. I knew the Lord would not approve. My mind wandered from the mortgage to RJ. I was starting to get worried. Where was he? Was he overdosed lying in a ditch somewhere? The images shook me. I tried calling him again. His cell was going straight to voicemail. He was avoiding me. The only reason I was still paying his cell bill was so that I could reach him or he could reach me.

I picked up the handheld and dialed my aunt.

“Hi Auntie.”

“Hey niecey, what you up to?” Her voice wasn’t as strong as usual.

“Nothing just chilling. You feeling okay?”

I know she sensed the concern, “Aw, I’m good. I just had that chemo today and the nurse couldn’t access the port so she had blood running everywhere.”

I hated it when they hurt her. “Did you tell the doctor?”

“No. She was new. I didn’t want to get her in trouble.”

I grunted my disapproval.

She tried to change the subject. “So what’s up?”

I let the issue drop and moved on. “Have you seen your nephew? He hasn’t been home in a couple of days.”

“I just saw that big headed baby. He hasn’t called you?”

“No. His phone’s going to voicemail.”

“I’ll tell him to call you.”

“OK. Do you need anything?”

“No. Auntie is good. Are you okay?”

She always knew when something was bothering me. She was a worrier. And I couldn’t tell her about the house, not while she was sick.

I lied, “Yes, ma’am. I’m fine. Just looking for your nephew.”

“Ok. He’s around here with Josh somewhere. I’ll tell him.” Josh was her son. He and RJ were the same age. And the best of cousins. Her voice trailed off. Chemo always made her so tired. Especially when they didn’t get the needle right.

“Bye Auntie. Get some rest.”

“What? I’m fine.”

“Nope. Love you. Bye.”

She snickered, “Alright, alright. But call me later. I need to talk to you about something.”

“Ok. Talk to you later.”

“Ok.”

I waited for her to hang up first. She was on my mind too. She’d been fighting breast cancer for two years now. First it was just in the right breast and not the lymph nodes. She had the breast removed and we celebrated “them getting all of the cancer.” Then it turned out it was in the lymph nodes and she had to begin radiation. She was more than my aunt, she was my best friend since I was nine. I shared everything with her. But I couldn’t burden her with the possibility of losing my home. Her focus needed to be on healing.

However, I did know that she’d know how RJ was. Especially since he was hanging out at the lot at the other end of her street. It was all fenced in now with a red and white sign that said, KEEP OUT — PRIVATE PROPERTY, but it was anything but private. Any and everything happened there. And everybody knew it. Including the cops.

It used to be a fun and safe place for us as kids, but after Granny died in the fire, it went to crap. The police raided it every so often but that didn’t deter the criminal activity.

I was grateful she and Aunt Sarah were nearby to keep an eye on him and I knew she loved him just as much as I did. She referred to him as “her baby” and would make him sleep on her couch to get him in off the streets. She was a guardian angel. I know in her own way, she was trying to alleviate some of the stress she knew I was feeling about him. I thanked God for her. I waited for RJ to call, but deep down I knew he wouldn’t, especially if he was strung out. I was all set to get depressed. But I remembered, don’t allow fear and doubt to clutter your heart.

LESSON II: Spread as much seed as possible.

26 And he said, so is the kingdom of God, as if a man should cast seed into the ground;

— Mark 4:26

I got dressed for lawn work and headed outside. Even though it was officially fall, the temperatures were still in the 80s and 90s. I definitely didn’t want to wait until later and have the day get too hot. I stood on the porch admiring the cleanup I’d done the day before and remembering God’s instruction to keep my heart clean in preparation for the Word to be sown. This time I felt more confident. I had a different outlook. I saw past the dirt. I imagined a lush green landscape. I imagined walking around barefoot on grass that tickled my toes. As I walked, I prayed. I’d read how Jesus cursed the fig tree and it died. I knew somewhere in the bible we were instructed to “call those things that be not as though they were.” So I decided to use my words to curse weeds, fungus, dead patches, grub worms and any other thing I thought might come against my lawn and keep the grass from growing. I knew God was telling me if I wanted my son delivered and my home saved, I was going to have to keep my heart clean so that His Word could work. After walking and praying; I put on my gloves, went to the garage, and dragged out the 20 lb. bag of seed. I smirked as I read the label, “guaranteed to grow.” Surely if Pennington could guarantee their seed to grow, God could too.

I ripped open the bag and dipped my cupped hands inside. Thousands of tiny seeds spilled from my gloves as I dropped them into the little handheld spreader. I remembered, and he said, so is the kingdom of God, as if a man should cast seed into the ground —Mark 4:26. I walked up and down the lawn turning the handheld spreader. My wrist started feeling a little tweaky. I stopped turning, squeezed my hand open and shut a few times to ease the dull ache, and switched to the left as I finished spreading. I smiled as I watched the seeds spray across the bare ground in all directions, some landing in the flowerbeds, on the sidewalk and even in the neighbor’s yard. Over and over I returned to the bag. I dipped my hands in. Poured the seed into the spreader and started turning. I was sowing. Before I knew it the whole bag was gone. I was feeling pretty good. I understood what God wanted me to do. He wanted me to sow the Word in my heart, not just a little Word, but a lot. He wanted me to sow much more than I’d ever done before. I was to cover my heart with His Word, meditating in it day and night. I grabbed the hose and wet down the new seeds just as the Pennington bag had instructed. The colors of the rainbow danced in the water’s mist. It reminded me of the rainbow sign God gave Noah after promising to never destroy the earth again with water. God kept His promise to Abraham. He would keep His promises to me, if I followed His lead. I was proud of the day’s work. The rest of the day was ahead of me. I was ready to tackle the mortgage company and maybe even do a little Mommy PI work to find out what RJ was up to.

I showered and made myself some French toast for lunch. I headed for my home office to eat while I searched the internet for loan modification help.

There was a site offering assistance for a mere $1,300 dollars. I suppose that was good for some, but I didn’t have that kind of money. I sent them an email just for general principles, might as well keep all my options open, and kept browsing. There were tons of stories about families losing their homes during the modification process. Bank after bank had either denied or dropped the ball with modification applications and people were finding themselves in foreclosure. It was scary reading so I changed my search to “modification success stories.” That’s when I started finding stories that picked me up. I even found a Christian blog site where people were submitting testimonies about how God had blessed them to stay in their homes and avoid foreclosure. They shared how they’d lost their incomes or had them drastically cut. How they struggled to put food on the table for their kids and how, when they reached out to the bank for help, the bank was anything but helpful. Nevertheless, they prayed and stayed in faith and did their best to survive.

The common theme was, never give up. I took copious notes of suggestions and steps that many of the families had success with. The denial from the mortgage company had discouraged me, but I knew after reading these testimonies I couldn’t give up. This was the time to sow more Word in my heart and forge ahead. After two hours of research and watching YouTube videos, I came up with a game plan. I decided to write a complaint letter to the bank about the handling of my modification application. After some internet research, I decided to write a letter addressed to the president of the bank. I found the name and contact information. I made a note and set it aside. It took a day or so to put my profit loss statement together, but I got it done. I wrote the president, included a timeline of events explaining how my application had sat on someone’s desk for months. I explained that my financial hardship was due to a significant loss in business income and that our home had no equity because it was worth less than I paid for it. I asked for his help. I ended with, Please help us keep our home.

I made a trip to Kinkos to make copies. I sent the original to the office of the bank president and a copy to the OCC (Office of Comptroller of Currency), a title I’d never heard of before in my life. In my internet research I learned that they oversee bank practices and were even investigating some bank’s practices concerning modification applications. On the way home from Kinkos, I dropped the letters in a big blue mail box at the main post office. The day was pretty much gone. Yes, it had been a good day. A productive day. A day filled with hope. Now I had to wait—again.

On the way home, I thought about RJ. I still hadn’t heard from him. Moreover, I hadn’t talked to Auntie since earlier in the week. When I called, Uncle Robert said she had a rough night and had been asleep most of the day. She needed her rest. I wasn’t going to worry her about RJ. That night, I fought hard to keep an upset stomach and headaches at bay, trying to get a good night’s sleep. Reassuring myself over and over again, everything’s going to be okay, Lynn. God’s got your back. Don’t give up. I reminded myself that I wasn’t alone. God was there. But when you’re going through hell, the enemy takes the opportunity to tell you all sorts of lies. That night, as I lay in bed, he was relentless. He told me my son was going to die, that my home was going to be foreclosed and my business would never succeed. I rolled over to look at the clock; it was 3am. Uggg! Insomnia sucks. I got up, walking to the next room that I’d decorated as a home office. I sat down at the computer and tried to make use of the insomnia by working. I read the Parable of The Growing Seed again. However, this time I looked at one of the cross references: Mark 4:4-8, The Parable of the Sower.

Hearken; Behold, there went out a sower to sow:

4And it came to pass, as he sowed, some fell by the way side, and the fowls of the air came and devoured it up.

5 And some fell on stony ground, where it had not much earth; and immediately it sprang up, because it had no depth of earth:

6 But when the sun was up, it was scorched; and because it had no root, it withered away.

7 And some fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up, and choked it, and it yielded no fruit.

8 And other fell on good ground, and did yield fruit that sprang up and increased; and brought forth, some thirty, and some sixty, and some an hundred.

I thought about how the seeds I’d spread earlier that day flew in all different directions, some in areas I didn’t want like my flowerbeds and the sidewalk and driveway, just like the seeds the farmer planted in verse 4. I continued reading about the fowls of the air that came and devoured the seed. I saw in the scripture several things that could easily derail me during my faith fight. The enemy could come and steal the Word from my heart, discouraging me and causing me to fall out of faith. I could begin to take His Word lightly and not fully believe in its power, becoming shallow and easily uprooted. I could choke at the first sign that things weren’t going my way, I’d give up on God and try to do what everyone else was doing instead of following His plan for my life.

If I did stand fast, trust in God and did not waiver, blessings would spring up in my life. I was blessed by what was revealed to me in the Word. I read it again. And then it occurred to me I hadn’t done something really important the day before.

Chapter 4: Meet the Flockers

As he sowed, some seed fell on the path, and the birds came and ate it up. — Mark 4:4

A

tapping noise at my front door made me look out the window. What the heck is that? To my surprise, there was a small sparrow standing at the door pecking away. I laughed to myself. Maybe it wanted to thank me for the wonderful meal I had provided. I looked out into the yard and noticed several birds of many other species had shown up to feast on my seed.  Uggg!

By lunchtime, dozens of them were congregated in one spot nibbling in the yard, on the sidewalks, in my flowerbeds. And on the front porch sparrows, black birds and even a cardinal were searching for treats. I went to grab my laptop to see what I could do to keep them from eating the seed. There were so many suggestions: biodegradable netting, spray-ons, straw, and aha! topsoil. That seemed to be the most logical choice for me and also the cheapest. I made a trip to our local Home Depot for three large bags of topsoil.

I got home, changed into my work clothes and headed for the rake in the garage. I stabbed the topsoil bag with the rake and started spreading the moist dirt over the seeded lawn. It took a couple of hours to rake the moist soil over the seeded area. By the time I was done, my t-shirt was clinging to my chest. I threw the plastic bags in the garbage, closed the garage and dusted myself a bit before going inside to shower. As I looked back over my shoulder observing the grounds, the Lord spoke to my heart. Cover your seed.

I threw on the most comfy sundress I had. A red and gray one. I needed to write some blog posts and make the day as productive as possible. I’d just plopped down in the office chair when the doorbell rang. It never failed; every time I decided to be productive, something or someone distracted me. I changed directions and headed for the front door. I tiptoed up to the front door, balanced myself and peeked through the keyhole. No way was I opening for any solicitors. It was him! His tall, skinny frame looked dirty and frail through the tiny peephole. I stepped back. Took a deep breath, and opened the door to a stranger.

He reeked of skunky tobacco. His white t-shirt had dirt stains on the chest. He was wearing a tattered black hoodie. The hood covered part of his busy, uncut hair. My heart felt so heavy.

“Hey Ma.” He breezed by without looking me in the eye and headed down the hall toward his bedroom. Before he turned the corner I snapped, “Where have you been Rodney?” No pet names when mommy is angry. He learned that years ago.

“Oh I was in the Valle.” He continued stumbling his way toward his room and then suddenly made a right into the bathroom.

My teeth clenched. I went to my bedroom and slammed the door behind me. I wanted to yell, scream and shake him. What is he thinking? Why is he acting this way? I didn’t raise him like this. I fell on the bed face down, tears streaming, clenching the bedspread. Help me talk to him. Tell me what to say. Please God. God, thank you for keeping him safe and bringing him home.

After so many trying-not-to-worry nights, I found some relief in him being home. All the same, I was scared. At that moment I was in fear not faith. I’d been praying Psalms 91 over and over asking God to send laborers across his path who would minister to him. The seed I’d sown was germinating, changing things. This looked bad. I knew he was high. But I had to trust that the seed was breaking out. It would take root. I had to have hope. I knew that, but I was a mother with a human soul and my heart was heavy. I wiped my tears away. I trained him in the way he should go, but I remembered, Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. Had the losses he’d experienced or the divorce caused him to fall on rocky ground? I decided not to talk to him until later when I was calmer. I heard the sound of running water in the hall bath. Thank God he was taking a shower.

There was no way I could focus on writing. I lay across the bed. My cell phone buzzed. Another distraction. I looked at the screen. It was my younger sister.

“Hey Sis, what’s up?”

“Were you sleeping?”

“No I was just laying here.”

“Oh, are you okay?”

“Yeah, just your nephew. He came home smelling like weed.”

“Oh. That’s kind of why I was calling.”

I sat up on the edge of the bed, something in my gut told me some information I would need to know was coming my way. “Why? What happened?”

She told me that she’d overheard family members gossiping about RJ. She was really upset that this person was basically saying how dumb RJ was and how he was a failure. What really got her, she said, is they went so far as to say, “I’ll bet his mama is going crazy.”

She kept talking. I could tell she was pissed, “Not once did they offer a solution or suggest trying to help.”

I listened to her talk. She finally picked up that I wasn’t responding.

“Hello? You there?”

“Yeah, I’m here.”

“They just made me so mad. They were gossiping about seeing him smoking weed and walking around looking like a crack head. Doesn’t that just piss you off?”

I just let out a small nervous giggle. I pretended I didn’t care, “No. that’s just how they are.”

I could tell she was surprised. “Well I’m mad for you.”

I tried to think of an excuse to get off the phone, “Don’t let them ruin your day, Sis. They’re not going to ruin mine.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“U-huh, I’m fine. I just have to finish this project I’m working on before I go to bible study tonight.”

“Oh, okay. I’ll let you go then.”

“Alright talk to you later.” She hesitated a moment as if she wanted to say something, but changed her mind.

“Okay, Sis. Bye”

My temples pulsated. I lay on the bed staring at the ceiling. God I’m putting my trust in your Word. And I need you to come through. What I wanted was divine intervention. I wanted RJ to have a spiritual encounter, come to his senses and come home addiction free. I just wanted it all to go away.  Tears streamed down my cheeks, God why are you allowing my pain to be so public?

I didn’t expect an answer, but God gave me one. In my spirit I heard, How can I prepare a table before you in the presence of your enemies except they be allowed to witness your pain? It made perfect sense. I took a deep breath, Okay Lord. I get it. No more pity parties, I promise.

I sowed Proverbs 22:6 into my heart, My son has been trained in the way that he should go and now that he is older he will not depart from it. I lay back thinking about everything that was happening.

The Flockers were trying to carry my seed away. I couldn’t let it happen. I knew if I got angry or upset I would only allow strife into my heart and it would choke any seed that had taken root.  That it was family doing this to me now did hurt. But thankfully the lesson from the lawn had already prepared me. I knew the enemy was trying to take away what I’d sown.

Lesson III: Protect Your Seed

Our faith, fights and dreams are seeds. The enemy wants to steal, kill and destroy our seeds. He wants us to fail. And when we share our dreams with everyone we meet it’s like we’re broadcasting them in all directions with no control over how far the information goes, who hears it or what happens after we share it. If you aren’t careful who you’re sharing your struggle with, you may unintentionally give Flockers the opportunity to make feast of your hopes and dreams. Flockers are negative people. They are people who discourage you from believing you will overcome. Flockers are miserable and they love company. Avoid the Flockers. God instructs us to seek Godly counsel. Share your faith fight with someone who will give you inspiration and encouragement from scripture. Talk to another sower. Someone who knows and understands what you face and will offer wise advice and aid. My pastor was one of those fellow sowers that I was able to talk to.  Avoid the Flockers who want to carry away your seed and take away your dreams of victory and success. Protect your seed from them by giving them little or if possible, no information at all.

I knew there were people I couldn’t talk to, but my sister confirmed it when she called. Doubt is a disease and I couldn’t let non-belief infect my heart. Seeds don’t flourish in diseased ground. I knew that God placed the dreams of victory and restoration in my heart and those seeds would produce if I protected them from the Flockers.

As a parent, I wanted to protect my seed, my son, from the dangers of the world, from those who did not have his best interest at heart and would lead him away from the way he had been trained in his childhood. God wanted me to protect His Word with just as much tenacity and determination as I was willing to protect my own son.

We have to protect our seeds or the Flockers of this world will steal, kill and destroy them. Like the birds in the parable carried away seed, Flockers will carry away hopes and dreams. They are negative. They are miserable. And they are looking for company. I believe this was what God wanted me to know about my home and my son. I had to stand in faith and be very careful who I shared my struggles with. I had to protect my seed. In Deuteronomy 29:9, we are told that God chose to keep some things secret. Maybe he felt that our minds couldn’t comprehend them yet or that we just didn’t need to know, but what’s good for God is good for me. I knew from that point that I had to be prayerful about what I was allowing other people to know. I couldn’t broadcast that I was struggling or that I was sometimes afraid. I had to stand strong and keep the secret Word that God had placed in my heart.  I took heed to God’s lesson. A lesson that had come just when I needed it most.

Chapter 5: Waiting and Watching

And should sleep, and rise night and day, and the seed should spring and grow up, he knoweth not how.—Mark 4:27

I

started my next round of lawn work bright and early. I couldn’t sleep and I knew that my lawn needed a little watering early enough to avoid the sun’s heat evaporating it all. I was just finishing up the morning soaking when a sedan I didn’t recognize pulled up next to the curb. I didn’t think much of it. I just figured he was lost. I dragged the hose toward the flowerbed for a quick and final spray. As I turned in the direction of the street, I noticed a grey-haired gentleman had gotten out of the car and was walking toward my driveway, “Do you mind if I take a few pictures?”

That’s when I saw was holding a small dark colored digital camera.

“What for?”

I could tell he would rather I not ask very many questions, but I didn’t care, he was standing in front of my house, after all.

“Oh I take pictures for mortgage companies to keep their files updated.”

My stomach sank a bit, but I forced a smile. “Sure, go right ahead.”

Immediately, he began snapping the front and side of the property. Three or four clicks and he hopped back into the grey sedan and drove away. Though he’d tried to sound matter of fact, I had a feeling there was more to it.  I felt a bit nervous. What was the bank doing? I was delinquent, but working with loss mitigation. Were they moving forward with foreclosure? My brain was drowning in questions and my stomach felt queasy. I stopped the questions in my mind. I put the hose away and murmured, “I trust you Lord.” Then I remembered my pastor’s words, “We walk by faith. We are not moved by what we see, only by the Word of God.”

Regardless of whether the bank was taking steps in the direction of foreclosure, I’d promised God that I would let nothing cause me to doubt Him. I remembered His warning of the roaring lion. It was obvious this wasn’t going to be easy. I had to separate what I was seeing in front of me from the unseen promise I believed. I took a deep breath, so what if the bank is taking steps, so am I—faith steps ordered by the Lord. Before going inside, I stood on the porch and confessed, A thousand homes shall fall by my side and ten thousand by my right hand, but no foreclosure shall come near my dwelling. (Psalm 91:7). I imagined angels surrounding my home holding giant swords high above my roof, their razor sharp tips touching. Breathe in. Breathe out. My stomach was knotted. I took another deep breath and forced out the words to my favorite Fred Hammond song, “No weapon formed against me shall prosper, it won’t work…God will do what He said He would do. He will stand by His Word. He will come through…No weapon formed against me shall prosper, it won’t work…”

I didn’t know how God was going to be working any of this out; I just knew that He promised He would. And He does not lie.

Lesson IV: Believe that something is happening even if you can’t see it.

27 And should sleep, and rise night and day, and the seed should spring and grow up, he knoweth not how. —Mark 4:27

When we don’t know how things are going to work out or we can’t see progress, it can be tempting to give up on our seed and think that nothing is ever going to improve. We have to keep believing. We have to keep nurturing. We can’t give up. Not all seeds are the same. Some take a few weeks to sprout while others take a few months. Still others have been known to lie dormant for years. It can be easy to fall into doubt and think that nothing will ever happen. I learned during the germination process that seeds grow downward first, rooting themselves beneath the ground before ever showing a sign of life above ground. The dream in your heart has to take root before it can ever produce fruit in your life. It has to root itself in your heart. What does a rooted dream look like? It’s a dream that no matter how many times it fails, you never stop pursuing it. You study things about your dream. You seek out mentors and learn from those who, through faith and patience, have already achieved a similar dream.

You research your dream. You plan how you will achieve your dream. Studying, planning, researching and believing are all signs that your dream is taking root. Once that root system is well developed, you better believe a blossom will appear. It’s a dream that is so real to you that no Flocker could ever devour it or carry it away because you have planted it; covered it; and nurtured it.

So even though we can’t see the seed germinating or how it’s changing the ground around it, we have to believe that it is, because the seed knows its purpose and it accomplishes that purposes when sown on good soil. A heart that loves God is good soil. When the Word is planted in our hearts, we don’t have to worry that it will not accomplish its purpose. The seed knows its purpose. When the right seed is sown in the right ground it will accomplish what it is sent forth to do (Isaiah 55:11). The wait for my grass to grow seemed like an eternity but it was finally sprouting. The wait for my home to be saved and my son to come home sober were taking a bit longer.

I knew God was showing me that sowing and reaping takes time. And the hard part wasn’t just the waiting, it was not knowing what God was doing while I was waiting. I had to fight restlessness while hoping that everything would turn out the way He promised it would.

Looking back now, I am sure God didn’t want me to focus on how things were going to work out. He just wanted me to eat, sleep and believe. He wanted me to continue about my daily routine in faith—resting in the knowledge that things were taking place that I had no knowledge of. Just like the farmer didn’t know what the seed was doing underground, I didn’t know what God was doing in the Spirit to change things in my favor. I took comfort in knowing that the Word knew what to do all on its own. I meditated day and night; that’s what He wanted me to do. My part was to make sure that my heart was filled with more seeds than weeds.

I felt myself getting weak and discouraged. I studied the Word. I planted it in my heart. I listened to it on the television; my mp3 player had my favorite sermons on it. I played Christian music. I was doing it all, but doubt seemed like it was still trying to creep in.

I decided to do something that I hadn’t done in a while, go on a Daniel Fast. For the next 21 days, I was going to fast breads and sugars and only have vegetables and some fruits. I needed to feel closer to God and this was one of the ways that had worked for me in the past. This time though, I would keep a journal.

I knew that I needed to fast. My emotions were getting out of control. I was crying and fearful. I needed to feel closer and more connected to God. Moreover, there has never been a time I felt closer to Him than when I fasted. I never complicate my Daniel Fasts. I keep it simple. Twenty-one days without meat or sweets.  I have fruits, vegetables and water. I was sure this Daniel Fast was going to help me:

Gain control of my emotions. In order to walk by faith, I had to walk in the spirit not the flesh. Just because my life was in chaos, didn’t mean I had to give in to it. There was no way I could walk in the flesh and experience victory.

Rely more on the Holy Spirit for answers and fulfillment than on human logic and comfort food. The Holy Spirit is always with us and He knows the answers to all of the questions that we have.

Detox my body from all of the processed food and sugars that weren’t healthy for me anyway. Our bodies are temples and my temple needed cleansing that would in turn help increase my energy and ward of feelings of depression.

At the end of the fast I wanted to have clearer direction for the path I was to take with my son, my home and my business. I was also standing in faith with my aunt so I needed to be focused in order to encourage her spiritually.

CHAPTER 6: ARE YOU THERE GOD?

M

y cell showed 9:01 am when it vibrated. It was Auntie. “Hey Lynn. Lynn did I wake you?”

“No ma’am I’m up, just sitting here staring out the dining room window.”

“Aw, well,” she dragged out the word well, “I have some bad news.”

My heart sank to my stomach. The cancer must be progressing. I tried not to sound anxious, “What’s wrong?”

“Our boys got arrested around 3 o’clock this morning.”

I went from sitting to pacing. “What happened?” I fought to tame my emotions and remain calm.

“There was a raid on the lot and he and Josh were up there. The cops said they found drugs on both of them.”

Little black spots were dancing around the room. I was lightheaded. I sat down.

“I didn’t want to wake you and worry you at that hour. There was nothing we could do so I waited to call.” I didn’t say anything, so she continued. “I was already up, and so figured one of us should get some rest. Are you okay?”

Silently I inhaled and exhaled, “Yes ma’am. I’m fine. I appreciate that. I would have probably been up worrying.” I continued on as nonchalantly as I could, “So I guess he gets to spend his 21st birthday in jail.”

“That’s right, it is my baby’s birthday. I don’t know what we’re going to do with those two cousins.”

“Me either.” I sat back down in front of the window.

Auntie broke the silence, “Well, Uncle Robert is going to go to the jail to find out about bail. I’ll have him check on RJ too and then I’ll call you back and let you know.”

“Okie dokie,” was all I could think of to say.

“You are coming today right?”

She was talking about the reunion. I really didn’t want to deal with family today. But good food, a few laughs and spending time with her might cheer me up. I hesitated, “Yeah, I guess so. I should be there around 2.”

She was pleased, “Good. We’re going to have fun. I’ll see you in a few.”

My mind was reeling but I couldn’t let her detect it. “Alrighty Auntie and thanks for calling me.”

We said our goodbyes. I stared out the window at patchy sprouts of green. The blades of grass were reminders to me of God’s promise. As long as the earth remains so shall seed time and harvest. I knew the Word had to work. I was doing everything that God wanted me to do. Why were things getting worse? What was going to happen now? What kind of drugs did he have? Was he okay? I pictured my son in a jail cell alone and afraid. A sharp pain shot through the middle of my chest.  I massaged the area and got up to take an antacid. First the bank denies my modification and now this. I went to my room, fell on my knees and prayed for strength and wisdom. I felt like I had reached a breaking point. I felt like everything was falling apart.

Lesson V: Things will seem to get worse before they gets better

A woman’s water breaks and labor begins as the blessing of a child begins to push forth out of the womb into the world for all to see.  God wanted me to know that every seed must break in order for the root to push through. Seeds crack in order for the roots to expand and grow into the ground. As the seed breaks, the makeup of the soil around the seed changes and evolves.

As the Word begins to root in our lives, it begins to break, open and then put pressure on the environment around us. Things change and not necessarily the way we want them to, but the change is for our good. He will always work the change out for good. Every breakthrough cycle has a breaking point. As the break happens and the change begins, things may seem far worse. We may lose friends. Our health may take a turn for the worse. Our business may look like it’s going under. Or, like in my case, a child may go to jail. The breaking point isn’t the time to give up, it’s the time to dig in. Pressure is being put on your seed. It’s breaking forth and working to take root. Its creating an environment that will sustain it long term because the breaking point means harvest time is near and victory is imminent. Nevertheless, the pressure is real. This is the stage where many of us breakdown instead of breaking out.

I reflected over many years of trials and triumphs and I realized that the times that I succeeded were the times that I didn’t give up when things looked bad. I stuck with it and I pushed past the pain. Sowing and reaping is like that. We get past the stages of clearing clutter from our hearts and sowing the Word just fine, but then we get weary during the waiting stage, and by the time the germination stage comes, so much doubt and disappointment has built up that we give up—we stop believing. We begin to doubt and we lose faith. We never see our promise come to pass because we give up during the most critical stage of the process—the breaking stage. We’re so close, but because we feel so beat up we break down. The enemy wins.

Satan knows that we are human and we have a tendency to give up under pressure. He just doesn’t know how much pressure it will take to get you to give up. For me he piled on my son’s arrest. He piled on the denial of my modification request. He piled on people gossiping about me. He was trying to make me break down. This time I didn’t. I hunkered down for the storm and I was ready to ride it out. Isaiah 40:31 was rooted in my heart, But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. This was producing a harvest of endurance and strength. I expected pressure. I expect challenges. I embraced them as a prelude to my breakthrough. The Word was breaking forth, it was taking root and making changes. Moreover, those changes were in my favor. Victory was on the way.

Amid all this, on September 23rd my Daniel Fast Journey began.

PART II

MY 21 DAY DANIEL FAST JOURNEY

DAY 1

I listened to a sermon online today called, You’ve Already Got It. It really touched me. I have everything I need in my Spirit. When I accepted Christ into my life, He came to live inside of me and so did His power. There is nothing missing or lacking in my Spirit. God has already done everything for me through Jesus. It’s already done by Christ. I don’t have to redo anything. I just have to believe from my spirit. I’m going to create confessions for each of the areas in my life that I am struggling in and confess every day during the fast. I’m using the words of my mouth to call those things that be not as though they were. I’m watering the word that has been sown in my heart by confessing it by faith.

Mortgage –Financial Confession

Father, thank you for your grace. I believe that I already have my mortgage paid in Jesus name.

Proverbs 18:21 says life and death are in the power of the tongue, the same power that raised Christ from the dead is inside me. I use that power now that you gave me, to speak death to lack and poverty. I curse lack, poverty and insufficiency. In the name of Jesus, I command lack to leave now. I speak life, prosperity and the abundance you’ve placed inside me to come forth in Jesus’ name. I release the blessings of Abraham to flow freely in and through my life, my home and my business. I release with my words as you have given me the power to do. In Jesus mighty name. I receive it now, Amen.

Confession for RJ

Father, I thank you. I believe my son RJ is delivered from drugs and criminal activities. Proverbs 18:21 says life and death are in the power of the tongue. The same power that raised Christ from the dead is inside me. I use that power now, that you gave me, to speak death to addiction, criminal activity and rebellion. I curse rebellion and in the name of Jesus command it to leave. I curse drug addiction and in the name of Jesus command it to leave. I speak the salvation and deliverance you have placed in Rodney to come forth and manifest in his life now. I release deliverance, salvation and freedom. . With my words as you have given me the power to do. Your word says who the son sets free is free indeed. I speak freedom to RJ in Jesus’ name, with my words as you have given me power to do. In the mighty name of Jesus, RJ is set free indeed by your son Jesus Christ.

Amen

DAY 2

I still can’t believe RJ was arrested for possession. He spent his 21st birthday behind bars. I pray that the eyes of his understanding are open soon. Thank you Lord for peace that surpasses all understanding. I’m hurting right now. But I trust God. I believe by faith the seed of God’s word is taking root. RJ is delivered in Jesus’ name. Lord give me strength. I trust you.

I missed a call from the bank today so I called customer service. The representative told me that the acceleration letter expired on July 26, 2011. After getting my financial information, this representative determined that I could qualify for special forbearance repayment plan for 6 months of $2,024.99 per month beginning October 31st. If I agree, there is no grace period and it will show as normal mortgage. They haven’t sent my file to the underwriter yet for review. The process is so slow. I don’t have that kind of money but I agreed. This is nerve racking. I believe my home is protected from adverse action and I believe God is guiding me to have more faith in him and trust him for provision.

People are still talking about the family reunion. Since our immediate family went to Auntie’s house instead of going to the park with the majority of the family. Since Auntie’s health keeps her indoors, we decided to take the family reunion to her. She loved it. A lot of the extended family came to visit her when they left the reunion at the park. I was kind of tempted to be depressed and sad because of RJ and Matthew being arrested, but I trust God and will not lean to my own understanding. My cousin asked where RJ was. I told him RJ was in school learning his lesson. When he asked what school, I said the school of life. Everybody understood what I meant because they already knew he was locked up. I tried to joke about it. I’m learning to overcome unbelief by controlling my soul-mind, will, imagination, emotions and intellect. I believe all is well. I believe RJ is already saved from drug addictions and criminal activity. Thank you Father for his deliverance. There was so much good food today. But I only ate beans, green beans, salad, and potatoes. The sausage and brisket were so tempting. Auntie made a chocolate cake! It was hard but I made it. Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God. This is just the second day and what a day it’s been. I’ve already got it.

God I trust you!

DAY 3

Tonight I studied the word and read scripture. One of my favorites was Isaiah 49:17-18 Your sons hasten back, and those who laid you waste depart from you. 18) Lift up your eyes and look around, all your sons gather and come to you. As surely as I live declare the Lord, you will wear them as ornaments.

         Isaiah 49:28, the captives will be taken from the warriors and plunders retrieved from fierce; I will contend with those who contend with you and your children will be saved!

         1 Chronicles 4:10 Prayer of Jabez

         Isaiah 55:8, for my thoughts are not your thoughts…so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts and 11) my word will not return empty but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which it was sent.

I created a confession from the scriptures I read today: Father Thank you for your love. I receive your word into my heart and it produces fruit. I declare I go out in joy and I am led forth in peace. Your word accomplishes everything in my life, it is sent forth to purpose. Your unfailing love for me will never be shaken. Nor your covenant of peace removed. I am not afraid I will not suffer shame. I do not fear disgrace I will not be humiliated. You are my maker and my husband. My son hastens back and I will wear him as an ornament. Though I was ruined I am now redeemed and blessed.

In Jesus name, Amen.

Day 4              Peace Be Still

Beautiful day, pretty hot, but beautiful. I can feel a positive shift. The fear is subsiding. I’m still praying God will help my unbelief. I know that God can, but how long before I really grasp that without doubting that He has already done it when I asked? On the way home from my dad’s I realized something. I had an Aha! moment. I have to speak from my spirit, not my soul. That way I don’t feel like I’m lying or just making something up when I say, “RJ is delivered” or “I’m rich.” In my spirit everything is blessed because Christ lives there. And He has all power and sufficiency. And if he’s in me all sufficiency is in me. I have everything I need in me. I just hate this fear that comes over me sometimes.

I got a letter today informing me that the investor in my home loan did not approve me for participation in HARP program. I didn’t even realize I had an ‘investor”. The letter also said I was denied for an in-house workout plan because I did not prove affordability.

I’m not going to give up until I understand and manifest the blessings God has promised in His word. “According to the power that works in me.” It’s in me. I spent time praying with RJ today. I took authority over addiction, rebellion, and depression. I talked to him about how God loves him and has a plan for his life. I didn’t bring up going to jail or even ask what happened that got him arrested. I’m in faith for his deliverance. I know it’s already done. Oh yeah, and the Cowboys beat the Washington Red Skins!

Scripture says meditate in the word day and night then I will make my way prosperous and have good success. So I’m going to do just that- day and night.

         Proverbs 16:9 “In his heart a man plans his course, but the lord determines his steps.”

The more I let go of my plans the more God will show and guide me in the right direction.

         Proverbs 16:20 “Whoever gives heed to instruction prospers, and blessed is he who trust in the Lord.

         Isaiah “He will keep you in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Him.”

Thank you Lord that my mortgage is paid in full, every need is met in my household, my debts are canceled, and my business is prospering above all I can ask or think in Jesus name. Amen

I am the lender not the borrower. Favor surrounds me like a shield.

My seed is blessed. Amen!

Day 5

Being Thankful—I’ve been praising God and just reflecting on His goodness. I have my health and strength. I still have shelter and my son is alive and grace is covering him every day. When we aren’t thankful it’s probably because we’re so focused on our problems that we can’t see anything positive or good. But there are good things. Auntie is battling breast cancer. Her doctor is optimistic. He’s so impressed with how she keeps bouncing back. Thank you Lord for her healing. I thank God for her and it makes me appreciate the blessing of health in my own life. I am grateful. God is El Shaddai the all sufficient one.

Prayer for Today

Thank you Lord that you are the source of all that I have. Eery skill, talent, all finances and earthly possessions. Bless your Holy name. You are Jehovah Jireh the God who provides. Thank you Lord I am a good steward over all you provide. I honor you Lord with the tithe and first fruit of my increase. God everything I have is yours. Instruct my spending. Help me to be wise in the area of finances.

We had another great bible study tonight. Pastor said, “It doesn’t matter how big your circumstance is, there’s a God who is waiting on you to exercise your faith so that you can overcome it.” And to that I say, “AMEN!”

It resonated with me too when he compared faith to currency. I liked that. My faith is like heaven’s currency. And I need it to make transactions. He said it better though, “You can’t make a spiritual transaction without faith. Faith is the currency in the spirit realm.”

Galations 3:29 —If you belong to Christ, then you are Abrahams’s seed and heirs according to the promise.

Romans 10:9 —Confess with your mouth and believe in your heart.

John 10:10 —The thief comes to steal kill and destroy.

Ephesians 2:10— For we are Gods workmanship created to do good works which God prepared in advance for us to do.

RJ’s cousin picked him up today. They were going job hunting. He applied for a UPS job for the holidays. It’s temporary, but it’s a start. And for that Lord I’m grateful. First the blade, then the ear, then the full corn and the ear.

I received the workout plan from the bank for payments of $2024 per month beginning October 31st. The workout plan was signed by Danny Davis, Home Preservation Specialist that I haven’t talked to in months! Isn’t that a kick in the pants? I signed the agreement and put it back in the mail using signature delivery. God help me. I have no idea where the money is going to come from.

Day 6

It’s Wednesday and it was a great day. I’m learning to respond from my spirit and not from my flesh. Not overreacting to everything that happens, but being prayerful, controlling my thoughts, and taming my tongue. It seems strange to do so almost like I’m just ignoring what’s happing around me. In a way I suppose I am.

I took RJ to orientation for his job. I had an appointment for a temp agency too. I need to increase my income so that it looks good on my modification application. I’m not going to focus on my bank account balances, business earnings, or any other negatives. I’m going to do what I can, my part. And one thing I can do is work to earn additional income. I downloaded some sermons onto my mp3 player. God said meditate in his word day and night. So I’m listening to the sermons all day and I even took a nap with the headphones on.  God says if I meditated day and night I’d make my way prosperous. So why not try Him and see what happens, right? I started my morning thanking God and taking authority over the day and commanding blessings over the day. I really believe God has blessed me with everything I need in my born again spirit. The teachings are really keeping me motivated. I have faith in the power of God. The thing I’m working on is the “unbelief” I believe my unbelief is rooted in fear and the lack of understanding. I know it’s natural for us to be afraid, but I don’t want to live afraid. I’m determined to live from a place of power and faith. I just have to.

I believe RJ is already delivered. I believe my business is already prosperous. I believe my mortgage is paid. I am blessed. God what is it that’s hindering me from all that you want me to experience? Is it the fear? Please Lord help me. Show me how to get rid of it. I know you have not given me a spirit of fear.

How could I forget, I saw a spike in my earnings today, first the blade! I have a ton of energy tonight. I got the yard raked and the largest flowerbed cleaned all while listening to the mp3 player. All in all about 2 hours of sermons. I prayed for a temp data entry job that is in perfect location and won’t conflict with me getting RJ to and from work. I believe I already have it.

I got a revelation on Deuteronomy 18:18 too. God has given me the power to get wealth in order to confirm his covenant. So I have power to get wealth. I have to follow His lead, work consistently using the talents he’s given me, and trust Him. The word has to manifest in my life in order for God’s covenant to be confirmed.

DAY 7

I started the day with prayer of thanksgiving and taking authority over the day, declaring debt stress lack sickness and disease are all under my feet. Resisting the enemy in my home business, and finances, and emotions and commanding him to flee. I had a dream years ago about a book that I had written. When I woke up I couldn’t remember the title. Tonight I was outside on the porch talking to God and I think the title that came to mind was “The Power in me”. I’m not sure. I have to remember that title. Whatever the title. I suppose I should probably start writing something, Hugh?

I applied for a bunch of temp jobs online. If I can get an easy job that’s close to home that would be good. I also took RJ for his “walk through” appointment at UPS today. It’s kind of far out to be taking him to work, but I’m not going to complain about that. He should know his schedule next week. Prayerful that all is well with him. He seems more focused. I trust God. I’m so thankful for the word. It’s been keeping me these days. Not getting as stressed out and worked up nearly as much as I was during the summer when all of this mess started. I believe in the power God placed in me. It will produce fruit.

Amen

Day 8

I started the day with prayer and thanksgiving. I checked my earnings today and it’s double what it was for the entire day yesterday! Praise God who takes pleasure in the prosperity of his servants. I will continue to work and pray and confess that all I set my hand to do prospers.

While showering it came to me that I need to consistently tithe-give-save-and pay bills and I should do this for the next 12 months. So beginning with my next earnings payment, I will do just that. I’m still reading the word and listening to the mp3 all day except when I’m charging it. Really do need to invest in a better one that keeps charge. I have to pray the strongholds of poverty are pulled down and that God’s revelation on blessings is received in my heart. I hate having to think about money all the time. Things are getting better though.  My God is El Shaddi the God of more than enough. Lord I’ve done what you told me to. I’m holding you to your word and. I’m expecting you to keep your word. Show yourself strong in my life Lord.

Amen.

Day 9

This morning my prayer was so much more intimate. I began to Thank God for his grace. For the first time I think I truly understand that He has provided for me all along because He loves me, not because I’m perfect, or holy, or do good things, but just because His grace is so wonderful. I then began to thank Jesus for what He did at Calvary. How he took my diseases, poverty, sin, and oppression into his own body. Then he was nailed to the cross as a curse so that I could be set free. My spirit has been empowered to do great things; to deliver; to heal; to prosper; and to overcome the world! I should be lording over every situation in my life, not buckling under pressure. I thanked God for his revelation and for communing with me. By the time I finished thanking Him, I was in tears. God is so good.

RJ didn’t come home last night. I don’t want to think that things are going back to the way they were. I’m resting in God’s grace. RJ is already delivered, in Jesus name.

Thank you God for your saving grace.

Day 10

I worked in the church nursery this morning. Had fun with the kids. RJ still hasn’t come home since he left the other day. I watched the Cowboys lose today. They were actually up 20 points and the Detroit Lions came back to win the game. How can you be upset about at a comeback?

Wow. Listening to the sermons on Believer’s Authority is really awesome.  The sermon was discussing how Satan gains access through envy and strife. And that when we allow strife access to wreak havoc in our lives. James 3:16. Everything we say or do is either giving the enemy access to destroy our lives or giving God access to bless us.

RJ isn’t home. I’m not sure what he’s doing about his new job. All I can do is shake my head and pray at this point. I just don’t understand what he’s doing. Tonight I read John 14:1 Let not your heart be troubled

I choked on my fast tonight. I had one of those apple pies in the little green box. I repented and will not quit. Tomorrow I live to fast another day!

Day 11

I sort of fell apart tonight. RJ still hasn’t come back home. I’m not sure what he’s out doing. Rebuking thoughts of failure and doubt, but they seem stronger tonight. Maybe it’s just my monthly cycle or something. Whatever it is this mood sucks. Yes that’s right, sucks (laughing at myself). I really don’t want these feelings to undo my faith for victory. I’m listening to the sermons to help counter the negativity. I know scripture says we should cast down high thoughts and imaginations that are contrary to the word. Ha! As I write this the minister is saying ‘grab hold of your emotions and don’t let them run away with you.” Talk about great timing. Thank you Lord. God knows what we need and when we need it.  He’s talking about John 14:1! He says Jesus basically told the disciples, “don’t panic” don’t let unbelief in”  I read John 14:1 again Let not your heart be troubled, you believe in God, believe also in me. I have to pull it together and let not my heart be troubled. Lord give me strength. I put an ad on Craigslist to sell my dining room set and some other items. Hopefully I can get the money to pay the mortgage repayment by October 31st.

Day 12

I’m still listening to the sermons. This week I’ve been hearing a lot about the Holy Spirit and how our praying in the Spirit builds up our faith. It’s something I don’t do very often at all. I’m not even sure why I don’t. John 16:13 says the Holy Spirit will teach us all things. Acts 1:8 says and you shall receive power after the Holy Spirit comes upon you. I’m going to begin praying in the Spirit more consistently from today forward. Matter of fact tonight is a good night to start. Thank you Lord for today. Bless my son Lord keep him safe. I got some inquiries for the dining room set. I posted it for $1100. Seems several people are trying to get new sets by the Thanksgiving holiday. One couple is driving from the outskirts of town to come and take a look at it. I really hate to give it up but it’s a want not a need and if it will help me out of this mess then oh well.

Day 15   Friday

I haven’t journaled in a few days. My spirits are higher. I’m not feeling as stressed as I was the other night or in general. I’m feeling more positive about RJ, the mortgage, and my home business. I’m so grateful to God for everyone and everything he has placed in my life. I’m truly blessed. RJ left with his cousin and returned home looking high. I almost got discouraged. But I pulled it together. I “let not my heart be troubled”. Everything in me wanted to kick him out and throw all his clothes out on the driveway. God just won’t let me kick him out. I’m learning not to let my emotions control me and get me out of God’s peace. I did talk to him. He said he wasn’t high. His allergies were bothering him, Yeah right.

Yesterday I called a temp agency around 11:30am. The young lady told me to come in for an appointment at 2pm. I went through orientation the same day! Praise God. The job is perfect. Now I have more seed to sow and more income to report during this mortgage modification process. That will definitely help with the affordability component.

I know God’s ways are not my ways. I know he has already worked things out for me. But what is my part right now? Do I reapply for the modification? The couple came to see the dining table. They were nice older couple. They loved the traditional style cherry wood and the fact that there were six chairs, but the wife wasn’t sure the current dark burgundy upholstery it would match her décor. She said something about reupholstering the chairs to match. She said she’d get back to me. What if she doesn’t buy it? Do I borrow to help come up with the $2,024? I don’t know what to do. God guide me. Holy Spirit led me. What’s my part? What should I do?

I hope RJ talked to his dad about taking him to court. I can’t keep enabling him and doing everything for him. He got himself into this mess and I will support him when he is ready to change. But while he’s smoking and hanging out in the streets I really don’t think I should do anything other than pray for him and talk to him.

Day 16      Saturday October 8th

I don’t really feel like writing tonight. I’m still listening to the sermons on the mp3 player and thanking God every day that my prayers are answered. I’m not going to give up. I have nothing to lose by standing in faith and trusting God. I have to stay strong.

Day 17   Sunday

Worked in the nursery this morning. I just love working with the babies. They are so sweet but boy do they wear you out. There was a conference call tonight. Auntie’s in-laws want to organize a dinner in her honor. Its really more like a fundraiser to help with the expenses. Her sister-in-law also wants to coordinate with Susan G Coleman and their having t-shirts made for all of us. I don’t know how I feel wearing a t-shirt with the word Cancer on it. Maybe it’s just me being weird. Something about it just doesn’t sit right with me. Am I in denial about her illness? Lord I really need your guidance on this. I want to be helpful, but I don’t want to seem like we’re glorifying a disease. Guess I’m just being overly sensitive about it. Somehow I got picked to handle the food preparation. Great, now I have to find some help to work with me on preparing and serving. Lord raise up the help I need to make this successful.

Amen.

Day 18   Monday

Thank you Lord for blessing me to get this far in the fast. It’s been so long since I’ve done this. I almost forgot how challenging it is. It seems like as soon as you start a fast, everybody and their mama wants to offer you something that you can’t eat. They had a lot of sweets out at work today. Man I wanted some donuts. But I didn’t do it. Taco soup for me (minus the meat). Thank you Lord that every need is met. No weapon formed against me, my son, or my home shall prosper. I declare every need is blessed in abundance in Jesus name.

Day 19

Went to bible study tonight. I’m glad my schedule allows me to still attend. After service, Pastor asked how RJ was doing. I told him about him getting into trouble and smoking weed. Pastor said, “He’s going to be alright. Look at me and how I turned out.” I don’t think he knows how much that blessed me. He had an addiction when he was RJs age and God delivered him. Thanking Lord for sending people across my path to encourage me. I know that RJ is going to be alright. It just seems like he’s so far gone sometimes. I didn’t raise him this way. I just want my baby to be okay. I know addiction is hard and I feel like the enemy is really attacking him. There’s drug addiction in our family history on my side and his dad’s. I know you have a better plan for his life than that. Thank you for delivering him. I know if you delivered Pastor, you can deliver RJ- you WILL deliver RJ. In Jesus name.

Lord Give me strength.

Day 20

Working outside the home again is an adjustment. It’s been over a year since I’ve had to punch a clock. But I’m doing what I need to do. And I believe You are going to bless the works of my hands. It’s not too bad though. I really enjoy data entry work and this is something similar. All I do is go in, pick a workstation and start working. Not a bad deal at all. It only pays minimum wage to start, but that’s a good start and will look good on my modification paperwork.

Day 21

This was the last day of the Daniel Fast. I only cheated a few times, but God knows my heart. I’m not sure what’s going to happen in the coming days, but I do know that God is on my side. He wants me to succeed. I talked to Auntie tonight. I told her about the seeds and everything that I’m learning about faith and sowing the word. She loves to hear about faith. I know she’s trying to be strong. I’m going to record the sermons for her too so that she can listen to them. I believe she is healed in Jesus name. I know that she can be strong and cancer free. I believe, but sometimes I just don’t feel like she really does. Help me minister to her Lord. What do I say? RJs in and out. I’m not giving up on him. He’s a righteous man of God and I know that God has a plan for his future. I pray that RJ abides under the shadow of the all mighty and the Lord is RJs refuge. In Jesus’ name. The mortgage first payment installment is due in a few days. I don’t have it. I was able to sell my Pilates machine on craigslist and a few other exercise items. But I haven’t made anywhere near what I need to make that $2024 payment. Maybe the installment isn’t the way I should be going. Lord guide my steps. Give me wisdom. I don’t want to do things my way. I want to follow your lead. I believe no weapon formed shall prosper. A thousand shall fall by my side ten thousand by my right hand but no foreclosure shall come near my home. This is the last night of my fast. I’m glad that I did it. I know that I have to depend on God. Only He can give me the guidance and support that I need right now.  Thank you Lord.

PART III

THE BREAKDOWN BEFORE THE BREAKTHROUGH

CHAPTER 7: You Can Break Down or You Can Break Through

I

woke up feeling pretty good even though RJ was missing again. He hadn’t been home in a few days. But I kept believing that he would return. I kept telling myself, Trust God Lynn. Trust the seed. I threw on a pair of cotton sweats and a baggy t-shirt. I couldn’t wait to go outside to see how much more the grass had grown. It had become my fascination. Seeking the fine hair-like blades poking through the ground. I stood there smiling. It’s working. The seeds are working.  As I stood, I thanked God for what He was doing. I felt a sense of peace. I knew that come what may, everything would be okay. Lord whatever happens, I will always serve you.

The air was cool and the porch was chilly. I was only wearing socks. My baby was coming home. I had to believe that the seed I’d planted in my heart was going to produce a harvest of deliverance.

By early evening, I felt myself getting agitated. RJ wasn’t calling me back. I tried calling his cell. Still no answer. Again it went straight to voicemail. I tried not to be upset. I told myself that he was grown, or at least he was tall enough to look grown. I was tempted to call Auntie to ask if she’d seen him, but I didn’t. Why bother? If he didn’t want to talk to me, then I should just leave him alone. God, I am the righteous of God in Christ. You said the seed of the righteous is delivered. I believe that. Father I thank you that my son is delivered. Thank you that my baby is home safe.

I needed to de-stress. I grabbed the P90X video case and thumbed through for the Kenpo X DVD. It was one of my favorites because it was a kickboxing-type cardio workout and RJ had me a little on edge so I needed to do some kicking and punching.  After the workout, I soaked in my tub. I headed back to my bedroom and sat Indian style on the bed and looked at my cell phone. Still no call from RJ. I couldn’t help myself. I sent a text: Just wanted to say I love you. I turned off the lamp and turned over in the dark. A minute later, my phone chimed:

Luv u 2

Thank you Lord he’s okay! I knew God was watching over him. Even in his time of rebellion God still showed grace and I was thankful. Just because things weren’t going the way I thought they should, didn’t mean that they weren’t going to work out. My son was still in the streets and my modification request had been denied, but I had to stay strong. I had two choices, I could break down or break through. The fast had given me a renewed strength. I closed my eyes and whispered, They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up on wings as eagles. They shall run and not get weary. They shall walk and not faint. I cried myself to sleep with relief that RJ actually reached out to me on that special night.

CHAPTER 8: When God Sends Rain

W

hen there was just dirt, I walked around confessing that my lawn was thick, lush and green. I cursed the weeds, diseases and worms. Then. I cleared away the dead grass and picked up all trash or debris that didn’t belong. The final step was waiting and watering. It took months before even a sprout of grass showed. But one day it rained and that made all the difference in the world. The days following the rain, twice as many green sprouts pushed through the ground. It was as if they were waiting for heaven’s rains. I believe that happened in Genesis 2:5. Though God spoke seed bearing vegetation into existence in the previous chapter, nothing grew until after Adam and Eve had worked the grounds and God sent His rain.

When God sees that we are working a process that He put into place from the beginning of creation, it moves Him. Our faith in sowing and reaping pleases Him. And He sends His rain to bless our faithful efforts. When you work this process, you set into motion a chain of events that God Himself has ordained to bring forth results. All it takes is for God to send His rain on your situation and you will see victory. In the meantime, keep watering.

I never stopped praying and thanking God that my son, the seed of the righteous, was blessed. I was watering the Word. His attitude was more respectful and he became less rebellious. I thanked God and continued confessing. RJ began to go to church on Sundays. I kept praying. I kept believing. The Word was working. The loss mitigation specialist assigned to me worked closely with me and kept me informed. I was relieved. Someone was finally talking to me. I was receiving more help than I’d received in months. I thanked God and kept trusting.

Things were turning in my favor. Two weeks after planning my lawn, I read a blog post about another method for earning income online. I knew this was the opportunity that I had been praying for. I devoured all information about the subject of writing for income. And I trusted that God was leading me in the direction of writing.

Lesson VI: Beware of Weeds

The bank’s collection department offered a “payment plan.” But the plan required me to pay double the mortgage amount for six months. It baffled me how they figured I didn’t make enough money for my loan to qualify for modification, yet they were willing to approve me paying double over six month. If I couldn’t afford a lower payment, how did they expect me to pay two times the normal amount?

Reluctantly I agreed because I didn’t want them to think that I was being unreasonable. I began to think of ways I could borrow the money to make the proposed payment each month for the next six months. Late at night, the infomercials would play over and over again and I would think, Maybe I should just get a payday loan?

One day during my prayer time, God reminded me of my original request. He reminded me that I asked Him to bless me with a loan modification with better terms than any lender had ever provided before.  God took me to His Word in Mark 11:24, Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. In my Spirit I knew that the proposed payment plan was not what I had faith in. It was a weed. It had disguised itself as the real thing, but it was not. You see, had I continued down that path, not only would I have uprooted my seed, but I would have also put myself on a perpetual road to “figuring out how” to make the double payments every month. Do I believe God could have just paid the entire balance? Absolutely! But there was a lesson to be learned for me concerning fear, doubt and desperation—the ability of these negative emotions (weeds) to choke out the Word that has been planted in our hearts.

The payment plan wasn’t the best, but it was something, right? Wrong! It was a weed. It was not what I had planted, it was a look-alike. Sometimes we pray for things, but when we get a negative report or a denial, we back off of what we were believing God for and we settle. Instead of believing you will receive your own business, you settle for a corner office. Or instead of believing you received debt freedom, you settle for living paycheck to paycheck. Instead of believing you received your healing when you prayed, you settle for being on medication or sitting in a wheel chair for the rest of your life. Stop settling for weeds!

And by accepting something different, I was in effect doubting that God had already answered my first prayer. I prayed and repented for doubting that He had answered my prayer. I confessed that night that I would receive a loan modification with better terms than any modification ever provided before. And from that day forward I thanked God for it. You see, just like a grass-like weed can disguise itself as grass in your lawn, a deception can disguise itself as an answer to your prayer.

When God told Abraham and Sarah that he would give them a child, Sarah doubted and encouraged Abraham to have a child with her handmaiden Hagar. To that union, Ishmael, a son, was born. Sarah allowed a weed [doubt] to choke out her seed [promise].

God had given her a promise and instead of receiving that promise, protecting it and allowing it to take root; she laughed at it. I believe the day she laughed, a weed sprouted and began to grow. With each passing day that she did not conceive a child, that weed of doubt and disappointment began to grow larger and larger choking out the promise. After Ishmael was born, Sarah and Hagar didn’t get along and this caused confusion and strife for everyone involved. When we try to create a blessing the way the world does, we create problems for ourselves. Whether its compromising on taxes, cheating on an exam or something else; when we operate this way we are allowing weeds to choke out God’s promise that he will supply all of our needs. The end result is stress and turmoil.

Often times we seek help from people when it’s God we should be seeking. The end result is that people get the praise and glory for our deliverance. There are times in our lives when God wants to show up mightily in lives; He doesn’t want to share the glory with someone else. But like Sarah, we doubt that God could possible work out our situation and we turn to friends and family when we should be turning to His promises.

In Genesis 22, Abraham believed by faith that God would provide a sacrifice on the mountain. He didn’t know how, but He knew two things. That God had promised to bless him through the seed of Isaac and that God never goes back on a promise. By faith, we believe God provides and we hold to the truth that He will not lie. That was the promise and I was determined to protect and nurture that seed until it grew.

Dealing with the weeds

Weeds have a way of choking out grass. Nevertheless, I was told that if I just kept up with the seeds, eventually the grass would take root and there would be more grass than weeds. And wouldn’t you know that’s exactly what happened? Once the grass took root and began to grow, I only noticed weeds here and there and I was able to deal with them one at a time by plucking them and removing them. You see, when your heart is filled with more Word than “as the world turns,” then you will begin to thrive. You will begin to be able to deal with the weeds of financial difficulty and relationship drama as they pop up. The Word in your heart will begin to choke out the weeds instead of the other way around.

One of the weeds that popped up was a decline in my business earnings. I was not prepared for it because the year before I unwisely spent a great deal of my savings on other matters. When the decline happened, I couldn’t pay my mortgage and got behind. The weed of declined business earnings turned into a larger weed of a foreclosure threat. But you see, the Word of God was sown in my heart and it produced a harvest of faith-filled Words, A thousand shall fall by my side, ten thousand by my right hand, but no foreclosure shall come near my dwelling. I kept confessing Psalm 91:7 even though my mortgage was months past due!  God is faithful; He guided me and comforted me through the entire season.

It’s amazing how weeds can grow in just about any condition. That summer was the worst Texas drought ever recorded; there were weeds everywhere. What I learned about weeds is that they are native plants, meaning they have adapted and they know how to take from the ground what they need in order to survive. They take at the expense of other plants, flowers and foliage around them. Sucking up all of the surrounding nutrients and moisture for themselves.

So it goes with us. We are not natives of this world. So sometimes we are surrounded by the weeds of unbelievers who know how to get over on us, beat the system, claw their way to the top and trample on everything in their path. That is the way of the weed.

When the Lord blesses you with your harvest, those people who were flocking to discourage you will almost seem to disappear into thin air. You might hear a few murmurings of gossip, but not many of them will be able to be happy that you are blessed, so they won’t be swooping in to “check on you” anymore. God has a way of vindicating His children. He has way of closing their mouths. He will not be mocked!

Fear is like a weed. If allowed, it will grow and choke out the power, sound mind and love that God has given you. Once we learn the promises, we have an obligation to lead others to show them how to be successful at sowing and reaping. Integrity is in short supply. People don’t always do what they say they will do. Sometimes we are tempted to project that onto God. We treat Him as if He were a man who may or may not keep His promises. However, the bible tells us, God is not a man that He should lie. Yet some of us approach His promises with the attitude, “maybe God will and maybe God won’t.” Anything you value, you protect. Here’s a tough question, Do you value God’s promises and are you thankful for the promises He’s already kept?

As I mentioned, weeds will grow right in the middle of your harvest and may even try to imitate it. Some of them have blooms of vibrant color. Don’t’ be fooled. Don’t mistake them for your harvest. The enemy knows what you desire God to do in your life. He will send a look-alike, a weed. When you sow the word, the enemy hears your prayers also. He knows what you’re asking for and he likes to play games by sending decoys. Our anxious impatience blinds us and that is when we mistake the enemy’s decoy for the Lord’s harvest. Just like Abram’s impatience for the child God promised him, you may not know when God will do what He promises. You don’t have to know. Just as you don’t have to know how the seed grows beneath the surface. You just have to have faith that God said so and it is.

We must be intimate with the Word so that we know the authentic from the counterfeit. Counterfeit blessings, like weeds, grow and try to take over. Continue your days, knowing in the promise of seed, harvest time will produce what you are believing for. There are many factors to consider when sowing the Word. Some of your seeds may be stolen away before they are given a chance to germinate. Therefore, you need the Word sown in your heart so solidly that the enemy couldn’t possibly steal away all of it. You will have begun the perpetual process of sowing and reaping the promises of God that continues to produce harvests, for all of your days on the earth.

CHAPTER 9: First the Blade

8And some seed fell on rich soil and produced fruit. It came up and grew and yielded thirty, sixty, and a hundredfold. —Mark 4:8

M

y aunt called to tell me that RJ had been at her house for the last few nights. She said he and his cousin both had court dates and she practically had to force him to go. She was really concerned that he wouldn’t go to the next court date and wanted me to be sure that he kept up with the date and attended when he was supposed to. I agreed, but I had no intentions of babysitting him through the process. He got himself into this mess and he needed to get himself out. At least that was what I was thinking at the time. I went online to look at the court dates.  I wrote down the court date and charge: POS < 2oz, and gave the information to RJ on a half sheet of typing paper.

“Thank you.” He took it and placed it on his dresser. I stood in his doorway for a moment until he looked up at me.

“You need to be sure you go to court.”

For the first time, he looked nervous. “Yes Ma’am.”

I turned and walked away. As much as I tried not to be angry, the emotion was still smoldering beneath the surface. He didn’t seem to care much about misdemeanors, maybe a felony charge would be his wake up call.

I was happy that RJ started staying home more. I hoped the experience scared him enough to make him change completely. I kept a close eye on him though. Part of me didn’t trust that he was no longer smoking pot. For sure he was smoking cigars. I found little butts in the garage. The residual smell in his room drove me nuts.

Still though, I hadn’t see signs of marijuana or other drugs and I was relieved at that.

His eyes weren’t bloodshot. He was keeping his hair cut. He was looking like his old self. He’d even started attending church with his dad on Sundays. I was grateful. Was this the beginning of the harvest? Maybe this was the blade and the effectual fervent prayers of a righteous mother were availing much.

Still the enemy whispered to me, “This arrest is a felony.” I knew that meant things would be more complicated. What would the judge decide? RJ had a record and in Texas a felony drug charge is no laughing matter.

His dad and I had agreed that a public defender wouldn’t be the best route. It was toss up in our county as to whether or not you’d get someone who actually cared. I called a friend to ask her advice. She agreed with us and highly recommended her attorney.

Money was tight for me, but I didn’t tell anyone that. Since RJ had walked out on his UPS job, he couldn’t contribute to even household bills let along an attorney. His father and I decided to split the cost of the lawyer. So much for letting our son suffer the consequences. His dad and I swore the last time he got into trouble that we wouldn’t help him, that we would let him deal with the consequences on his own and here we were again. I believe the love of a parent is the strongest love there is and the closest thing to mirroring God’s unconditional love for mankind. Sometimes the love is so strong it makes us do things we swore we’d never do. I’d heard of parents taking out second mortgages on their homes to get legal help for their children. The last time RJ got arrested I swore I was done trying to help him. But, here I was again. Even though he was dead wrong, I was still there trying to lift him up. Was there a limit? When was enough, enough? I prayed about it many nights. Our capacity to love is just amazing. If we love our kids that much, how much more does God love us?

I called the attorney. He agreed to represent RJ for $2,500 and offered us payment arrangements of $250 per month. The next stage was getting past the court date. I talked to RJ and gave him the rundown about the attorney. I told him that I wouldn’t be going to court with him. I just couldn’t handle sitting in that courtroom not knowing what was going to happen. What if they put him in handcuffs? I couldn’t bear to see that. I told him to call his dad and ask him if he would go with him. I know RJ was scared, I could see it in his face when we talked about him going to court.

He was about to face the consequences of his actions and there was nothing his father or I could do to sway the outcome. We’d warned him that this day would come if he didn’t change his course. He had such a rebellious spirit. This time he was afraid and fear was keeping him close to home.

Later that afternoon, the bank left a message on my cell phone. I’d been assigned a loss mitigation specialist from the Office of the President. I returned her call around five o’clock. She was really nice and soft spoken, very professional. She explained that things were going to go really quickly because she had 10 days to respond to the OCC’s inquiry about my complaint concerning the first modification application. I guess my internet research actually paid off. This time it seemed that something was really going to get done. Surely, they would see that I was capable of paying my mortgage if they would only bring the timing current for me. I kept praying and thanking God. I still had to come up with the $2,000 for the mortgage payment arrangement. The 31st would be here before I knew it and I was no closer to coming up with the additional $1,500 I needed. But I’d been given another chance and in 10 days I would be approved and my home would be saved. I had to believe that. It would be the best Thanksgiving ever.

After a month of watering and nurturing, I was starting to see signs of progress. All of those mornings that I walked around confessing to dirt and weeds and now my yard was on its way to being the envy of the neighborhood.  My next door neighbor came outside to smoke while I was watering and commented to me on how nice the yard was looking.

“Oh thanks. It’s been a long haul.”

He nodded in approval, “Well it looks really good.” He took a few more puffs, flicked the butt and turned and walked away, “Have a good one.”

“You too.” The yard did look good. Thank you Lord. First the blade.

It had been six days since I’d spoken with the bank last. Lord, thank you for the loan modification approval.

I finished up watering and changed clothes. I needed to pick up my share of the Thanksgiving groceries. Auntie was planning a family feast this year. She wanted all of us to get together. I knew what she was doing. She was afraid she wouldn’t be here next year. I shook the thought away. I can’t lose her Lord. Not her too.

The grocery store was packed. Thanksgiving was a few days away. I was responsible for paper goods, drinks and a banana pudding. I checked out, loaded the car and headed for Auntie’s. My cousin met me at the door. She said Auntie was still at her chemo appointment but would be home soon. I dropped the bags on the island in the kitchen and plopped down on the couch to wait for her. I was talking to my cousin when my cell vibrated. It was the bank. “Oh I need to take this.” I answered the phone on my way to the kitchen.

“Hello, Ms. Manor?

“Yes, this is she.”

“Hi this is Sarah with the bank. I wanted to discuss the outcome of your modification application. Is this a good time?”

My heart was thumping, “Ok. Yes it is.”

“Well, I have bad news.” She genuinely sounded sorry.

“Okay…” my eyes were getting moist.

“We tried to bring you into affordability but we just couldn’t. Your monthly income was too low.”

I interrupted, “But I got a job and my income has almost doubled.”

“Well, according to our calculations you’re short by about $127. Did you have some other income to include?”

I sighed. “No.”

She continued explaining the calculations and the amount of income used. While she was talking, it occurred to me that the income I’d used for that application was what I was making during training. “I’m making more money now than I was when I resubmitted the application.”

She tried to sound hopeful, “Well, if you think your income is higher you can resubmit your application through the normal process.”

I slumped over the island. The normal process would take another 45- 90 days. “So I have to go through that process all over again?

“Yes, this case will be closed. As you know, I’m responding to the OCC complaint. So I can’t hold it open any longer. And based on the information submitted, we can’t approve your modification. Do you have any questions for me?”

I was sad, hurt, angry, frustrated and exhausted, but I managed a cordial, “No. Thank you very much for taking the time to explain everything to me.”

“You’re welcome. I’m sorry things didn’t turn out differently.”

“Me too, you have a nice Thanksgiving.”

She sounded surprised, “Oh, you too.”

We ended the call. This couldn’t be the outcome. Not after everything that God had shown me. Lord I don’t believe this is over. But even if I lose my home, I will still believe in you.

I straightened up and walked to the den to talk with my cousin. We laughed and watched television. I acted like nothing had happened. An hour later, my aunt called. She’d forgotten that she also had a radiation treatment so she wouldn’t be home for a few more hours. I told her I was going to just go home and that I’d call her later.

On the ride home I prayed. I asked for strength. I thanked him for blessing me with favor. He reminded me of the lesson about breakthrough. I had to stay in faith. Even though things looked like they were getting worse instead of better, I had to hold on. I couldn’t breakdown. I had to breakthrough. By the time I’d gotten home I’d decided to write a letter to the modification specialist. She’d been so kind. Even though she’d given me horrible news, she’d done so in a way that was compassionate and caring and didn’t rush me off the phone, she answered every question I had for her. I appreciated that. I decided to do something nice for her. That evening I wrote another letter to the bank president. This time I didn’t complain. Instead, I thanked him for the assistance his office had provided with my second modification request. In the letter, I praised Sarah for her diligence and attentiveness. I ended the letter with, “…her attitude and professionalism are an asset to your company and I hope that you appreciate her hard work and dedication…”

Maybe doing something nice for someone else would make me feel better about my own situation. I didn’t know how things were going to play out. I’d missed the October payment. In addition, my second modification had been denied. Things didn’t look good, but I had to remember, we walk by faith, not by sight.

Thanksgiving was wonderful. Auntie went all out. Her turkey and dressing was perfect. She made my favorite lemon meringue pie. And of course all of her signature dishes: macaroni and cheese, greens, cabbage, yams, chitterlings, cobbler, pudding, seven-up cake and her famous chocolate chip cookies.

She got so much pleasure from cooking for her family. I watched her in the kitchen. I admired her courage. She was fighting for her life and still exhausting herself to make sure that we had a great Thanksgiving. I had so much to be grateful for. And I was.

The days seemed to go by faster. Probably because my loan payments were coming due and time wasn’t waiting for me. Before I knew it, it was already mid-December and I hadn’t even put up the tree. On my day off, I decided to drag the decoration box out the hall closet. I’d just finished putting the artificial braches on the main trunk when my cell vibrated. I glanced at it. I knew that number. It was the bank. I thought it might have been the debt collection department calling because I hadn’t kept the installment agreement, but it wasn’t.

“Hello.”

“Ms. Manor?” Her tone was calm, not agitated not like a debt collector.

“This is she.”

“Hi. My name is Mary. I’m a senior mitigation specialist with the office of the president.”

I was curious. Why would they be calling me? “Yes. How can I help you?”

“Your file was sent to me. You sent a letter to the president and we have to personally follow up with each correspondence to his office.”

“Oh, I see. Well I was just thanking one his staff members.”

“Okay, well it’s noted here that you would be resubmitting your modification because of an increase in income. Is that correct?”

“Well, I hadn’t done so yet, but yes.”

“Okay, I will be your point of contact. If you could just resubmit the application with the updated financial portion to my personal attention.” She proceeded to give me her address, fax and phone number with additional instructions.

I wrote everything down. “I’ll get the application to you as soon as possible.”

“Great, I’ll look forward to receiving it.”

I hung up the phone; half shocked, half excited. I decided the tree could wait. I knew the drill. I found the last application. I used whiteout to change the dates for the pages that would remain the same. Then I updated the financial sheets with my new income information. This time I also updated the form that showed my expenses because I’d cut back quite a bit on cell, cable and other expenses. It took me about 45 minutes to update everything. I drove to the all night Kinkos and faxed the information to Ms. Mary. I planned to call her tomorrow to verify that she’d received the forms. I stayed up past midnight finishing the tree. Now all I needed were presents to put underneath. I’d have to be creative this year. I couldn’t afford much. I hung the stockings and stuffed them with mine and RJ’s favorite candies just like every year. I went to bed feeling hopeful. I woke up early the next morning. Coffee cup in hand, I stood staring out the window. Thank you Lord for favor with the loan modification and with RJ in court. I trust you Lord.

I finished my coffee and went to check to see if RJ was getting dressed. His light was shining through the crack of his door. He was up. I went to get ready. As much as I didn’t want to be in court today, I had to be. I had to be supportive.

After circling the block three times, we found a parking space and walked up the steep hill to the justice complex. We found RJ’s name on the neon bulletin board and went to the courtroom listed. The room was packed with people. It was like a cattle drive. The judge was a female, a mother I hoped. An hour later they called RJ’s name and his attorney walked with him to the judge’s bench. I couldn’t hear much. I prayed silently. I wished his dad were there. He had a meeting and couldn’t make it—typical. I hoped for deliverance but I prepared for the worst—to see my son sentenced and walking away in handcuffs. The judge asked the prosecutor a question and he said, “Yes, your honor.” Then she asked RJ’s attorney something and he answered, “Yes, your honor.” In a matter of minutes RJ and his attorney were walking back toward me.

His attorney seemed pleased. “Well, Rodney, you accepted the probation over the jail time. So here are the conditions. If you agree then you sign here and follow the instructions for going over to the adult probation office when you leave here.”

RJ’s hands were trembling like they used to when he'd come into my room at night after having a bad dream. Then I would hug him and tell him everything was okay. But I couldn’t tell him that now. Part of me was glad he that he was scared. Maybe he was finally understanding the gravity of the situation. His attorney went down the list of probation requirements. After that we were free to go to the next step. I patted RJ on his back. He smiled. “I thought I was going to jail today.”

I smiled, “I was a little worried myself. But God has given you another chance.”

He lowered his head, “I know.”

The rest of the morning went pretty quickly. I sat in the car and waited while he registered for probation. Of all the probation stipulations, I was most relieved the judge had ordered counseling and one year of after-care. Then we went to the attorney’s office to make an installment payment. By midafternoon we were back home.

I called my aunt to give her the good news. She was so happy for RJ. I could hear it as she said, “Oh thank you Jesus.”

We both laughed. I knew she was relived for RJ but still worried for her own son.

“It’s his first offence. He’ll be okay.” I tried to reassure her.

“Yeah, you’re right.”

After I talked to her, I was starving. I made a sandwich and sat at the dining table to say grace, Thank you Lord for this food that it is nourishment for my body. Thank you Jesus, Thank you so much Lord. God had shed his grace on RJ and now the rest was up to my son. My part was to keep trusting (watering), nourishing (confessing) and waiting for rain (God’s favor). Just like I was doing with my lawn, watering and waiting. What a wonderful Christmas season it had turned out to be. And no matter what, I was blessed. Thank you Lord.

CHAPTER 10: NO MATTER WHAT

A

distant neighbor was standing near my driveway.  Someone else was walking down the sidewalk in the morning sun.

“I have to know what you did to get your yard so beautiful,” my neighbor said with a smile.  The stranger walking along was now right beside us.

I smiled and explained modestly, “I sowed a type of winter rye seed a few months ago and I’ve been working with it ever since.”

The passerby nodded her head, “A Winter Rye? I’ve never heard of that. Well, it looks great.”

I laughed a little, “Thank you.”

As they walked away, I felt a sense of accomplishment and victory. Who else has a gorgeous yard like mine in the middle of winter? God is good.

My yard had never been so beautiful. It was lush, thick and greener than ever. I took my shoes off and walked around as the soft blades brushed my calves and tickled my toes. It was amazing. What had once been an eyesore was now beautiful. And so was my life. My home was saved. My son was delivered. He was changing for the better, growing. He’d been staying at home since the court date. He seemed to be getting it together. I just wished he’d stop smoking all together. Asthma and tobacco isn’t a good combination. But still, I had to remember…first the blade. Everything happens in stages. He was home. He wasn’t in jail. And he wasn’t smoking pot or doing drugs.

That night while at work, I checked my cell phone.  I had a missed call from Sarah the loss mitigation specialist. It was already 8:30pm and her message said she’d be there until 6pm. I was nervous that my missing her that day would turn out badly. The next morning I called, she wanted to clear up a few things on my application. I’d listed all of my income but there was a check stub missing that was needed to verify the total amount. I faxed over the stub on my way to work. More waiting. More praying.

The following day she called me back. I listened with bated breath as she spoke.

“Ms. Davis, I just want to give you the update on your modification application.”

“Ok,” I quietly took a deep breath and waited.

“Well, your modification has been approved.”

I exhaled. A tear slid down my check and rolled onto the phone.

Thank you Jesus.

Mary went on to explain that I would be receiving the documents with the new loan terms in the next few days and my first modified payment would be due in one month. My new interest rate was 4.25%. The payment was $200 less than it had been. The more than $10,000 in delinquent payments would be added to the back end of my loan.

After I hung up, I went to the couch, fell on my knees and just started thanking God. Eight months and three applications later, faith had prevailed.              I knew that God was keeping His Word because I’d kept believing and the Word in my heart had taken root and produced a harvest of breakthrough.

Once the mortgage was modified, that took some pressure off and my mind was clearer. For the first time in almost a year, I could focus on my writing. That focus led to my completing two bodies of work that immediately became popular and increased my net income substantially.

I knew it was God. I knew that He was keeping His promise to bless the works of my hands.

In the spring, I received another notice from the homeowner’s association. This time it was handwritten, We want to congratulate you on such a beautiful yard. Thank you for taking pride in your property. We hope that others will follow your example. It was signed, Property Management. I smiled.

Happier Mother’s Day

That year on Mother’s day RJ gave me a card. Inside he wrote, I thank God for giving me a mother like you. I can’t thank you enough for all you have done for me, but I pray to be the man you have raised me to be. I love you.

The words brought tears to my eyes. I love my son so much, but I know that God loves him more. RJ is a gift from the Lord. God doesn’t give defective gifts. On Sunday, May 20, 2012, I went to a very special service. RJ’s baptism. He rededicated his life to Christ and was baptized for the first time. I cried tears of joy as I watched my son rededicate his life to Christ and be baptized by his father. God truly was preparing a table in the presence of my enemies.

The Ultimate Breakthrough

The cancer had progressed to her chest, spine and the base of her skull. Her beautiful mocha complexion was now an ashy gray. A large tumor had grown above her right eye causing it to close shut. She was bedridden and paralyzed from the waist down. As I sat talking with her, she tried to stay awake, but the medication was too strong and her body was too weak.

At first she had to be lifted onto a portable potty in the corner of her room and wiped cleaned before being lifted again into bed. Just a few weeks later she was strictly using the bedpan. Her loved ones waited on her hand and foot. She was grateful, but she hated that they had to. She hated that she couldn’t clean herself. She hated that she could no longer walk in her garden. I knew she was angry and wondered why she had been dealt the cards she had, but she never cursed God once, not in our presence. She always said, “God is good.”

We talked about RJ and how proud she was of him for turning his life around. She was genuinely happy. She wanted so much to attend his baptism. She made me promise to take pictures. I did. I gave her a blow by blow of what happened in the service. Tears streaming, she lifted her hands toward heaven and said, “Thank you Jesus.”

In those final days, we prayed together. We laughed together. We believed together. Nevertheless, healing in this life never came. Instead, she dropped into a coma-like state. We held her hand and talked to her, hoping that by some miracle she would wake up and laugh that hearty laugh that she always did. But she didn’t laugh. She didn’t smile. Her eyes were empty. To us it seemed things had gotten much worse. But I believe, for her they were getting better. I remembered holding her hand the night of the fire. There was so much pain in her eyes. As she lay there, I hoped that all of her pain was gone. I hoped that she’d gotten a glimpse of heaven, that she’d seen grannie again. I imagined her reuniting with her father and her oldest sister, my mom. All of them healthy and strong.  But most of all I smiled at the thought of her meeting our Lord and savior. Just that glimpse alone and the overwhelming peace would surely have been enough to coax her into leaving. I would have given all of my worldly possessions to keep her with me. But I had nothing to offer that compared. As I sat by her bedside watching her slip away, I still trusted God. I still believed. I know she wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Auntie wasn’t healed on earth, but she did receive the ultimate healing on the other side—she received everlasting life.

REFLECTIONS

God’s Word is a supernatural seed that brings forth miraculous results. However, if you don’t have a strong root system, you will not be able to sustain the growth that you are blessed with. I’ve seen this with people who become extremely wealthy overnight and then 12 months later they are filing for bankruptcy. Some of them had a weak understanding [root system] of money management. Their financial root system was too weak to support the financial growth they received and as a result, their money withered up and died. God wants to bless you with “fruit that will remain” not fruit that will dry up and wither away. That is why He encourages us to seek the Kingdom first. His Word will develop a strong root system in our lives. One that will support every blessing He has for us and will continue to sustain us even in a drought. The key is to never give up and always keep in mind the six lessons that I learned:

1. De-clutter your heart

2. Spread as much seed as possible

3. Cover your seed to protect it

4. Believe that something is happening even if you can’t see it

5. Remember that things will seem to get worse before they get better

6. Beware of the weeds

In this story I talk about my lawn, but you could also consider the growth of a tree. Before a single bud is ever produced above the ground, a substantial root system grows beneath. It has to happen that way. Otherwise, the tree will not have a source of food or strong enough support to help it stand. Even a seed knows that it must support itself by building a strong foundation first. We also must know that by sowing the Word in our hearts, we are building a strong faith system. The just shall live by faith —Habakkuk 2:4.

By meditating in the Word day and night we are nurturing the Word and giving it the right conditions to take root and begin to produce fruit in our lives. Only then will we be able to stand strong and come out victorious in every storm of life. Your bible is a book full of seeds. You have two choices. You can plant those seeds in your heart every day or place them (bibles) on the mantle for decoration. When I was working in my yard some days it seemed nothing was happening, but I knew the seeds were working beneath the ground.

Just like it seemed my son’s behavior was getting worse, yet I kept the faith. I knew that I’d sown, (trained up a child in the way he should go) and I was expecting to reap (when he is old he will not depart from it — Proverbs 22:6). The Word is an incorruptible seed, meaning it cannot be destroyed and it will produce if you sow it, protect it and expect the harvest. You have to find the right seed for your situation. I had to know what God’s promises were concerning my home and my son. I knew that God said, “No weapon formed against me would prosper.” I sowed that Word in my heart. I knew that He said, “The seed of the righteous is delivered,” and I sowed that Word concerning RJ in my heart. I studied scriptures relative to my situation and I read them, meditated on them, and in doing so I was sowing them. I didn’t know what God was doing. My son wasn’t home, I couldn’t see how God was working with him. I couldn’t hover over the loan officer to see whether or not he or she was approving my modification. I knew not how. I just had to trust that the Word was sown and it would produce its promise. I knew the seed beneath had to go through specific phases before I could ever see anything above the ground. Once my finances started improving, the gossipers quieted down. They weren’t flocking anymore. When my son came home and was baptized, they didn’t report that. They didn’t post that on Facebook or call each other up to discuss it. Why? Because there were no more seeds for them to devour and they couldn’t stomach my full harvest of victory! Something else happened.

God prepared a table in the presence of my enemies. And that table attracted others who saw the power of God work in my favor and wanted to know more. Just like the neighbor who wanted to know how I achieved such a beautiful lawn during the worst drought in Texas history.

Our walk with God should be a magnet drawing others to the kingdom. Enticing them. Intriguing them. Making them ask questions about our faith and our God. Opening the door for us to testify to His goodness. God is glorified when His Word works. Why would He want us to fail? It’s not our failure that draws men to him. It’s our successful walk of faith that uplifts Christ. When Christ is lifted up, He will draw all men unto himself —John 12:32.

Sowing is about so much more than giving a dime out of every dollar. I hope after reading this you no longer think of seeds as just money. Seeds are words, deeds, behaviors, attitudes and actions. Anything that can be exchanged can be a seed. Before a seed can ever have a chance of growing, it must first be planted. Only when you plant the Word of God in your heart and protect it, can you receive the harvest. A dream is just a seed that has been planted inside you that will never grow unless you take action: prepare the ground, protect it, nurture it and allow it flourish. A seed never fulfills its purpose until it is planted. The word can’t make a change in your situation unless you first plant it in your heart and believe it by faith. Before Jesus could change the course of our lives, he first was planted in Mary’s virgin womb.

Go ahead start today. Find the Word (seed) that pertains to your circumstances and sow those Words in your heart. Trust God. Believe Him. And know as long as the earth remains so shall seed time and harvest time.

The more you sow, the more you’ll grow. So go ahead—sow, sow, sow and sow much more.

I hope you enjoyed reading this book. If you think it’s a message worthy of sharing, would you please take a moment to leave a comment on Amazon.com. Your comments may help others decide whether or not to read the book for themselves.

See all of my books visit my Author page at: http://www.amazon.com/Lynn-R-Davis/e/B008GUXOQS/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_pop_1

Join the conversation on my Facebook page at: www.facebook.com/DeliverMeFromNegativeSelfTalk

God bless and thank you so much for the support.

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Table of Contents

Copyright

Dedication

PART I: SOW WHAT?

Chapter 1: Faith Don’t Fail Me Now

Chapter 2: Preparing the Ground

Chapter 3: Denied?

Chapter 4: Meet the Flockers

Chapter 5: Waiting and Watching

CHAPTER 6: ARE YOU THERE GOD?

PART II MY 21 DAY DANIEL FAST JOURNEY

DAY 1

DAY 2

DAY 3

Day 4 Peace Be Still

Day 5

Day 6

DAY 7

Day 8

Day 9

Day 10

Day 11

Day 12

Day 15 Friday

Day 16 Saturday October 8th

Day 17 Sunday

Day 18 Monday

Day 19

Day 20

Day 21

PART III THE BREAKDOWN BEFORE THE BREAKTHROUGH

CHAPTER 7: You Can Break Down or You Can Break Through

CHAPTER 8: When God Sends Rain

CHAPTER 9: First the Blade

CHAPTER 10: NO MATTER WHAT

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