Success Kills

Sidestep The Snares That Will Steal Your Dreams

Wayde Goodall

Copyright Information

First printing: March 2009

Copyright © 2009 by Wayde Goodall. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations in articles and reviews. For information write:

New Leaf Press, P.O. Box 726, Green Forest, AR 72638

ISBN-13: 978-0-89221-692-5

ISBN-10: 0-89221-692-1

Library of Congress Catalog Number: 2009923748

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture is from the New International Version of the Bible.

Printed in the United States of America

Please visit our website for other great titles:

www.newleafpress.net

For information regarding author interviews,

please contact the publicity department at (870) 438-5288.

Dedicated to my wife Rosalyn, our son Jeremy, and our daughter Kristin,

who are wonderful friends and gifts to my life.

A tremendous amount of credit and acknowledgement needs to go

to Rosalyn, who edits everything I write. She is one of the

most gifted people I know and I simply could not do what I do

without her. She is an amazing wife and mother.

Contents

Preface

1. What Is Success?

2. The Fear of Success

3. Preoccupied with “Me”

4. Balanced Egos

5. What Is “Moral” North?

6. Demonstrating Conviction

7. The Work Ethic and Other Truths That Make Your Life Work

8. Hurt People …Hurt People

9. The Gift of Adversity — the Sandpaper of Life

10. Failure — Friend or Foe?

11. Learn from Others’ (or Our) Mistakes

12. Getting It Right

13. Your Definition of Success

14. Why People Fear “Successful Leaders”

15. How to Be Successful When You Feel Unsuccessful

About the Author

Preface

Sidestep the Snares that Will Still Your Dreams

How do you define success? Should you fear it? Why do so many people fail when they attain positions of influence, power, authority, and prestige …or when they accumulate wealth or are given a title? How can you protect yourself from making wrong decisions and losing much of what you have worked so hard for? When you achieve what you feel is success, how do you maintain your equilibrium and your sense of balance, to ensure that your career and life are enjoying a healthy balance?

Corporate and religious scandals of recent years have caused unprecedented havoc and heartache in the world’s economy and in the church world. Executive and spiritual arrogance cause a toxic atmosphere in too many organizations. There are safeguards and principles we can focus on to ensure balance with excellence in what we do.

Almost every leader, company, and church struggles with these questions …or at least they should.

There are many definitions of success. What is your definition? Peter Drucker said, “Until you figure out what success means to you personally and to your organization, leadership is an almost pointless conversation.”[1]

When you attain what you feel is success, how can you live in such a way that you continue to grow in character, integrity, and contentment along with that success?

In their extensive research, Jerry Porras, Stewart Emery, and Mark Thompson (coauthors of Success Built to Last) found that as soon as you place someone on a pedestal as a role model, there seems to be a perverse law of the universe that increases the chances that person or that organization will stumble foolishly.[2]

We have been created to be successful in our journey through life. But it is likely that God defines success differently than we do. All of us have been given unique gifts, talents, and abilities. We all have experiences of pain or joy that are to be used for the good of others. All of us have made mistakes, been taken advantage of, and been the target of misinformed criticism.

These experiences can be our greatest gifts. God can help us look deeper, examine what is going on, and decide that we will use our hardships as opportunities to become better.

Wealth, power, prestige, education, or influence have little to do with God’s definition of success. He is interested in our faithfulness, our obedience, our character, and sometimes our blind trust in Him.

Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed (Prov. 16:3; NLT).

The pressure to obtain success (in the traditional way) is often driven by other people, who need us to make a living or reach a career goal. When success means more money, more things, becoming famous, or obtaining power, it will not give the satisfaction that all of us desire.

You are unique and have a passion to make a difference for good for yourself and for the world. Until you give yourself the gift of doing what you are passionate about, you will not have the success you desire deep inside.

Endnotes

p-1. Jerry Porras, Stewart Emery, and Mark Thompson, Success Built to Last (New York: Plume Books, 2007), p. 11.

p-2. Ibid.

What Is Success?

Chapter 1

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.[1]

— Abraham Lincoln

How can someone who seems to have it all, who has achieved a level of success or fame, risk it all? How can a company or ministry that has the books to prove that it is unusually successful make a decision that will literally “bring the house down”?

A high-profile pastor, writer, advisor to government leaders, and leader of the National Association of Evangelicals, Ted Haggard, admitted having some level of relationship with a male homosexual masseur. His position, power, and popularity might have been the toxic combination that gave him “permission” to drive just an hour from his home to visit this man …hoping to hide his behavior from the public, his church, and his family. This “fog” in his thinking permitted his arrogance, lack of judgment, and sense of entitlement.

Mark Foley, the U.S. congressman from Florida, resigned after it was revealed that he sent sexually suggestive instant messages to teenage congressional pages. Other government leaders have told me that many people change when they reach these high-profile offices.

Professor of psychology Tomi-Ann Roberts says, “The more power we have, the more we can convince ourselves we are invulnerable and we can get away with the things that all of us have just beneath the surface the desire to do.”[2]

Companies, such as Christian publisher Multnomah Press, can make very ambitious expansion plans that are high-risk because of the appearance of a trend of success for the long-term future.

Multnomah’s huge hit The Prayer of Jabez sold over eight million copies in 2001 (more than any other book that year). Thinking that this was going to fund the future of their organization, Multnomah made decisions that were “off the chart” of realistic growth. Money was spent, stock was produced, staff was hired; but the book took heavy returns (millions of copies) from bookstores. As a result, the company was forced to reduce staff and eventually sell the organization. They are no longer in business.

The lesson? Momentary success, victory, or achievement does not guarantee a stable future.

So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! (1 Cor. 10:12).

History is full of stories of those who were successful, but lost most, if not all, of what they had. Talent, ability, and power can go to your head.

Subtle changes often take place in us when we achieve fame or are elevated to places of influence and power. Authority and the power to influence are necessary if we are going to be a leader, but they can also be the deadly arrow that will bring us down. It is often said, “Absolute power corrupts absolutely.”

Many desire wealth, and wealth is helpful as we build a country, company, or church but wealth without discipline can bring tremendous arrogance and pain.

Many work, study, and prepare to be the most talented in their field, but what they are so gifted in can also push their egos over the edge, resulting in ego-driven leadership rather than servant leadership.

Many seek knowledge and wisdom; however, those with tremendous intelligence and natural wisdom can make very wrong decisions, because they “think” they can trust their every choice. Could this be why “Not many wise men …are called” (1 Cor. 1:26; KJV)?

All of us desire experiences and gifts that help us improve and achieve our goals. But the truth remains, “Circumstances do not make the man; they reveal him to himself.”[3]

Success has to do with being faithful, with being obedient to God, and with doing the right thing.

Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you…. So you will find favor and good success in the sight of God and man (Prov. 3:3–4; ESV).

Success might be the greatest challenge that you could experience. While there is nothing wrong with being successful, there needs to be a constant awareness that the gift of success can be the very thing that will cause harm to our lives. The blessing of perception can easily become the curse of deception.

The Most Talented Man in His Day

During his day, Solomon was wealthier and wiser than any other king on earth. As a young leader, he desperately desired discernment to govern the people of Israel. He understood the importance of making right decisions and asked God to give him a unique ability to distinguish between right and wrong.

God answered his prayers and gave him a wise and discerning heart. The Bible tells us that “there will never have been anyone like you, nor will there ever be” (1 Kings 3:12). God also gave him great wealth, honor, and respect. There was no equal among the kings on the earth.

God gave Solomon wisdom and very great insight, and a breadth of understanding as measureless as the sand on the seashore. Solomon’s wisdom was greater than the wisdom of all the men of the East, and greater than all the wisdom of Egypt…. Men of all nations came to listen to Solomon’s wisdom, sent by all the kings of the world, who had heard of his wisdom (1 Kings 4:29–34).

It took Solomon 20 years to build the temple (his palace), to dedicate the temple, and to bring the “ark” into it. He was obedient and precise, and demonstrated leadership at a level that was amazing to those who observed his life. What talent and sense of timing and correctness this young leader demonstrated.

But …something happened to him during his time of incredible success. His mind began to change. All of us can experience boredom. We can begin to wonder what it would be like to explore other options. He permitted himself to think about things that he knew were not pleasing to God.

Subtly, slowly, he became someone who craved earthly pleasures more than the things that pleased the Lord. Solomon became a very different man from when he began his days as Israel’s leader. His heart changed, his decisions became foggy and complicated, and his life was full of compromise.

God spoke to Solomon again. “Since this is your attitude and you have not kept my covenant and my decrees, which I commanded you, I will most certainly tear the kingdom away from you” (1 Kings 11:11).

The Creator who gave him more success than any other human took it away.

What had Solomon done to deserve that?

King Solomon …loved many foreign women…. As Solomon grew old, his wives turned his heart after other gods(1 Kings 11:1–4).

He became disobedient, stubborn, and arrogant, and his heart changed. The wisest, most respected, and greatest man of his time began making many wrong choices. He lost much of what he had gained — including God’s respect.

Why? Wrong thinking. Complacency and pride about what he knew and what he owned. His success became his enemy.

We must remember this: God will not permit His Kingdom, either in the heart or in the world, to be led by the world’s (carnal) principles.

Solomon once wrote, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death…. A prudent man gives thoughts to his steps. ... Evil men will bow down in the presence of the good, and the wicked at the gates of the righteous” (Prov. 14:12–19).

If only Solomon had listened to his own words, thought about what he was doing, and simply trusted God, he could have avoided all kinds of heartache and pain in his life. After many years of incredible favor and fame, he did exactly what God told him not to do. He knew the rules, understood why he was blessed, but decided that he would do it his own way.

He reached his goal and acquired all that he went after, but it cost him dearly. He went through years of discouragement, disillusionment, and confusion. He could have enjoyed even more success if he had kept his focus on obedience to God.

Solomon’s downfall during the height of his success should be a warning to those who choose to misrepresent facts, to deceive others, and to take matters into their own hands. Spiritual success and God’s blessings only come by righteous means, not by manipulation or disregard for God’s principles.

The story of Solomon is not unusual. The headlines frequently remind us of leaders who fall. Respected people, who we once looked up to, make decisions that shock us.

Why? Power, influence, money, physical attractiveness, wisdom, and winning can quickly become an ego trip. We begin believing our own press releases and trusting people’s flattery, and we feel like “little gods.”

O.J Simpson’s book If I Did It reveals the hypothetical scenario of if and how he could have murdered his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend Ronald Goldman. The decision to write such a book is not only an insult to our common sense, but reminds us of the human potential to do wrong and to be motivated by personal greed.

Michael Vick, the star quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons, shocked the owner of the team, as well as peers and sports fans around the world, when it was revealed that he had been involved in dogfighting and possibly racketeering. Why did he do it? What was he thinking? How long had he been involved in that underground activity? Certainly he didn’t need the money. The adrenaline in his blood when he led his team to victory was the same adrenaline that rushed through his veins when he saw one dog maul and kill another.

The Bible and history give us all the evidence we need to be aware that all of us can make some very wrong decisions. Isaiah said, “Each of us has turned to his own way” (Isa. 53:6).

What can we do?

When we are successful, we must not rely on success — but trust in the God who has given us our gifts.

Remain humble, honest, and hungry.

Know that for some reason we have been given a sacred trust. Don’t depend on titles, influence, money, or position.

Trust the Creator daily and know that whether we have much or little, His love for us will never change. He is not impressed with our wealth, education, or power. He is impressed by our sincere trust of Him.

Human reason is one of the most admired idols of the intellectual world. Heresies such as situation ethics, reasoning about when life begins (or is to end), or even the existence of a personal God are begun in the thoughts of people we often admire as the brilliant thinkers of the day. With pride at the very core of our nature, man would like nothing more than to be his own god. Find a teaching that encourages the wonderful abilities of a person in his own eyes, and he will be a glutton at its table.

Success comes from within, not without.[4]

— Bill Purdin

When God grants success, He intends for it to be used for His advantage. Our success can be the tool that will help people individually or collectively. It can also be used for wrong motives or behavior, and for selfishness.

God created us to be successful; but what is His definition of success? Is it power? Is it all about what you own or how much money you have? Is it about education, politics, or being the CEO of a Fortune 500 company?

These are common definitions of value and worth. But it is deeper than that. While God desires all of us to be successful, we need to understand not only His definition of success, but also where it comes from — and we must hold it gently.

Success Equals God’s Favor

Looks can be dangerous.

Others can observe our lives or look at what we own, where we live, where we work, or what we drive and think that we are not successful. The appearance of success (or failure) can be a tricky deception.

The experience of Joseph, recorded in Genesis 39, could be interpreted as a nightmare.

He was reduced to the stature of a slave by his jealous brothers. They thought he was trying to manipulate them into thinking he was superior because he told them about a wonderful dream God had given him. They began to resent him, and that resentment grew to a point where they wanted him to die. Since one of the brothers desired to help Joseph and not to kill him, they decided to sell him to a caravan of people going to Egypt. When he arrived, he was put on the auction block and sold into a life of slavery.

The person who bought Joseph had a wife who wanted to have an affair with him and falsely accused him of attempted rape. It was assumed that Joseph was guilty and he was put into prison.

If we could have been there to watch that scenario unfold, we would likely have thought that God’s hand was against Joseph — he had a right to feel victimized. His life appeared to be in utter chaos.

But the opposite was true. God knew exactly where Joseph was and what he was going through. Four times in Genesis 39 the Bible tells us that “the Lord was with Joseph” (2, 3, 21, 23). Because Joseph honored God in all that he went through, God honored him.

Joseph was eventually considered a successful young leader. But because of circumstances, overnight he appeared to be a failure. Then, after many years of trial and hardship, he became successful again. Because he refused to become bitter in life and refused to blame his brothers for his difficulties, God blessed him. Joseph literally saved tens of thousands of lives and was recognized as a gifted and wise leader. He had received the respect of the most influential people in the land.

Back and forth …success, failure, and then success again.

During his roller coaster life, Joseph maintained one characteristic: he trusted God no matter what. Whether he was a leader, a prisoner, or a person of tremendous power, he remained faithful and relied on the knowledge that God was with him.

Joseph didn’t rely on a position, a title, financial affluence, or people’s opinions to assure him that he was successful. He just knew that no matter what, God was with him. The position didn’t make the man; regardless of the circumstances, the man didn’t change.

Adversity can be a greater blessing than affluence. Pressure, challenges, and difficulties can be the hands that mold us to be better people and better leaders. Hardship can be a greater gift than a life without pain or rejection. The very thing that most people desire and strive for — success — can be the greatest challenge they will ever face.

If you have what you feel is success in your life, understand that your blessings, gifts, and talents come from God. He has given you talents and favor for a purpose. Use them wisely.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil (Prov. 3:5-7).

Many people define success in different ways than God does. What we own, how much money we make, or how much we have invested could mislead us into thinking that we are on top of our game in life. For this reason, the Bible instructs us:

Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share. In this way they will lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age, so that they may take hold of the life that is truly life (1 Tim. 6:17–19).

There are masses of unhappy people who have incredible wealth. Money, possessions, titles, and financial security do not define success. There is nothing wrong with any of these, but when we have them we need to remind ourselves that they could be temporary, and certainly will not be something we can take with us when we leave this life.

God’s favor, His blessings, and the success He brings are all because He is pleased with how we have chosen to live our lives and to make our decisions.

If the Lord delights in a man’s way, he makes his steps firm (Ps. 37:23).

Endnotes

1-1. http://quotationspage.com/quote414.html.

1-2. Brad Radford, “Fall Guys,” The Gazette, Life section, November 14, 2006.

1-3. James Allen, As a Man Thinketh (Rockville, MD: Wildside Press, 2005), p. 20.

1-4. http://legendinc.com/Pages/ArchivesCentral/QuoteArchives/Success.html.

The Fear of Success

Chapter 2

Success is dangerous. One begins to copy oneself, and to copy oneself is more dangerous than to copy others. It leads to sterility.[1]

— Pablo Picasso

It may be the biggest automaker in the world. But it’s overtaking the Detroit automakers with great trepidation. Now it’s relying on even savvier PR to avoid the American backlash it dreads.”[2]

Why is Toyota afraid of being No. 1? “To be satisfied with becoming the top runner, and to become arrogant, is the path we must be fearful of,” said the president of Toyota, Wtanabe-san.[3]

Preventing complacency, creating an atmosphere of “emergency,” and fearing arrogance have been on the forefront of this carmaker’s daily agenda. Why? The tension of passion for our work — waking up with an excitement of getting into the day, our work, our mission, and our goal — is a good thing. In fact, it is necessary for every growing company, automaker, church, or individual. Being arrogant about what we have achieved can subtly slip into our egos and kill all that we’ve accomplished.

Og Mandino said, “The only certain means of success is to render more and better service than is expected of you, no matter what your task may be. This is a habit followed by all successful people since the beginning of time. Therefore, I say the surest way to doom yourself to mediocrity is to perform only the work for which you are paid.”[4]

Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might (Eccles. 9:10).

When my wife and I were dating (over 30 years ago), I had a brand-new, deep green Toyota Corolla. Before we went on a date, I ensured that it was absolutely clean and vacuumed. When I turned on the ignition the car stereo immediately started playing one of her favorite songs. My dating technique was motivated by my desire to be sure that I covered all the bases in making her feel valued, honored, respected, and happy.

Well, the technique (which came from my heart) was likely a part of my success. We have been married for over three decades, have two wonderful children, and that was the last Toyota I owned. Not because I didn’t like the car (I did), but at the time that automaker didn’t offer the quality it does today. Back then it was just “one of those foreign models.” Not great. Although the top spot seems to go back and forth between Toyota and one of the American companies, for now, Toyota is #1.

People are buying their cars. Advertising is huge. They have addressed the gas shortage with their creative hybrids. Sales are over the top. And the automaker’s president, as well as their management and marketing teams, have become fearful of their accomplishments and newly acquired fame.

Success is every leader’s dream. But with success come challenges. Football teams will do anything possible to make it to the Super Bowl and to win. Baseball teams strive to win the World Series. Basketball teams play in over 80 games to make it to the finals and win. From the huge corporations to the manager of a Starbucks coffee shop on the streets of Seattle, business owners, managers, and CEOs are driven to be the top in their field.

Most want to be successful. Few fear what can come with success. Wealth, glory, prestige, accolades, cars, homes, clothes, better schools, lots of friends, etc., are the perks that most think about on their way to the top.

Wtanabe, president of Toyota, is right. Success is dangerous.

Complacency — lethargy — can slip in, and the top teams, businesses, and leaders begin losing passion and making mistakes.

If you successfully apply these ideas, but then stop doing them, you will slide backward, from great to good, or worse. The only way to remain great is to keep applying the fundamental principles that made you great.[5]

— Jim Collins

The driven focus and passion that it takes to get to the top of our game is often lost, once we “make it.”

When we win, something begins to happen inside. Subtly and gradually we begin to tell ourselves that getting out of bed early to start our day, or that maintaining the eagerness to keep reading, studying, learning, and growing is too much effort. We compromise our cutting-edge mission to make a difference, to become better, and to reach our goal.

Success, winning, wealth, and a future that looks like all is well can paralyze us from stepping out in faith, taking necessary risks, and growing. We become satisfied with what we’ve accomplished, look at our success or trophies, and lose our understanding of what got us there. There is a balance that we must understand, else we could let arrogance slip in.

Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you (Prov. 30:8–9).

Complacency can be like a slow-progressing illness that grows without our knowing that it is taking over our life energy. It is relative. We can actually have too much and we begin ignoring what and who got us there.

I am told that most Christian denominations begin with incredible passion to win the lost, to grow the mission, and to expand and reach the countless people who have not had a chance to hear the message of Jesus Christ. Their history will tell us that in the early years their energy is over the top, their focus is clear, and their core values are known by most within their organization. As a result, growth occurs, new people are reached, and churches are started that have significant impact for good in their communities.

As the years and decades pass, most denominations begin to slow down in growth, or even to decline. The leadership begins to do studies or have think tanks to ask, “Why are we not growing at the same pace” — or “why are we not growing at all?”

Research papers are written for their colleges and universities explaining why growth isn’t happening. Other denominations might be blamed for being a threat. “The mega churches are taking over the small churches; the television evangelists are becoming the new way for people to attend church in their living room; the new music, technology, or location of this or that new church is taking all the people,” etc. Or some might say that there are compromising pastors in their ranks who have stopped communicating the original message.

There is some truth to much of that.

But seldom is the word “complacency” mentioned. The passion that it took to grow has been paralyzed by apathy, lethargy, and feeling comfortable. Even arrogance and pride about what they have become can slip into the conversations and the thinking of leadership — “Look at all we have accomplished.”

Jesus once told the story of a wealthy farmer:

The ground of a certain rich man produced a good crop. He thought to himself, “What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.”

Then he said, “This is what I’ll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. And I’ll say to myself, 'You have plenty of good things laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry.’ ”

But God said to him, “You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?”

This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God (Luke 12:16–21).

What’s the point?

The wealthy farmer’s thinking had changed: “You have plenty of good things. They will provide for your needs for many years. Take life easy. Celebrate!”

I imagine that he once thought, If only I could have a good year of adequate rain and get the seed to grow. Or, If I had a few good years, I could help others; feed some of the families that don’t have enough. There is no doubt that he worked hard, wanted to be successful, and wanted to get ahead. There is a good chance he even prayed for God’s blessings on his crops.

Building the barns wasn’t the problem. In fact, he needed to. I believe the reason he is used as an example of a successful person who made a tragic mistake is that he trusted in what he had, not in what or Who got him there. His priorities changed; he stopped thinking about how to continue being successful in his future — even his eternity. He looked at his profits, his “good things,” and forgot the hard work, passion, and humility it took to get ahead. Most of all, he forgot that God had blessed his life.

What Are You Deeply Passionate About?

Good-to-great companies focused on those activities that ignited their passion.[6]

— Jim Collins

Through extensive research, Jim Collins found that people, companies, and churches that do the work they are passionate about and focus on what they absolutely love to do are the ones that reach the next level.

I look forward to getting up and throwing myself into my daily work, and I really believe in what I’m doing.[7]

“The good-to-great companies did not say, 'Okay, folks, let’s get passionate about what we do.’ Sensibly, they went the other way entirely: We should only do those things that we get passionate about.”[8]

Where does passion come from? Your passion might be to live another day, or to create a wonderful new organization that will help hundreds of people. It might be to become a great husband, wife, father, mother, or employer. Perhaps you are a pastor who constantly thinks about ways to feed the poor or reach people who everyone else is ignoring in your community.

Passion for being a successful person, for growing a company, or becoming a more caring church — and for being the best at what we do — is a good thing.

Brenda Barnes, CEO of Sara Lee, said, “Find something that you have a passion for, and that will make you happy. Take that passion, give it your all, and then not only will you be happy, but you’ll also be successful.”[9]

Dan Amos, CEO of Aflac, said, “I’ve spoken at a few university commencements, and my message is pretty much the same. I tell graduates to find their treasure. By treasure, I’m not talking about money or material possessions. I’m talking about something in life they’re passionate about and pursue it.”[10]

Along with our desire to be the best, we understand that there are steps we need to take and pitfalls we must avoid. Apathy, complacency, and a maintenance-mode attitude can quickly take what we have worked so hard for.

It is passion that gives us energy, determination, and the diligence to reach our goal. Passion for what we do is the opposite of complacency.

The writer of Proverbs wrote, “Where no oxen are, the manger is clean, but much revenue comes by the strength of the ox” (14:4; NASB, bold mine).

The “status quo” is a common pitfall. Being okay with our success and being happy with keeping “the manger clean” can blind us from reaching the next level — winning the battle.

The danger of being comfortable about our accomplishments is that we can easily shift into a maintenance mode. We can lose our sense of vision and compassion, and then we stop dreaming and going for the goal. Many stop taking calculated risks; and the faith element begins to give way to only doing what is “safe.”

Wars are not won …teams do not reach the top …churches do not grow …we do not reach the vision that God has given us without faith, hard work, and passion for our dream.

We cannot afford to permit complacency or just maintaining to become our attitude in life. What good is a “clean stable” if it is not productive?

Throughout the world, history reveals that the Christian Church has been filled with men and women who took great risks; and many times gave their lives for what they believed in. Heroes of the faith demonstrated that to accomplish anything meaningful will require pain, tears, and sacrifice. We simply cannot afford to be happy with our success. Our mission, life purpose, and ensuring that we finish strong are too important to just let pass by.

Success in what we do is a gift; but we need to have a healthy fear of success. Arrogance can slip in without our noticing it and we can begin to stop doing those things that helped us get to where we are. Complacency can come from pride, and pride can rip away all that we have worked so hard for.

In Heart of a Coach, Chip Mehaffey said:

As a high school basketball coach, I’ve observed that after a winning streak, my players sometimes begin to believe they’re better than they actually are. Such overconfidence can lead to deflating defeats. Yet a losing streak produces a mirror image result: the team loses confidence in their abilities.

To avoid either of these I remind my players to focus on what lies ahead rather than on the past. After each game, I say, “The season starts tomorrow.” This helps us remember what we, as a team, can become.[11]

Endnotes

2-1. LegendInc.com; Success archives.

2-2. David Welch, “Why Toyota Is Afraid of Being Number One,” Business Week (March 5, 2007): p. 4.

2-3. Ian Rowley, “Fighting to Stay Humble,” Business Week (March 5, 2007): p. 50.

2-4. www.legendinc.com/Pages/ArchivesCentral/Quote Archives/Success.html.

2-5. Jim Collins, Good to Great (New York: Harper Business, 2001), p. 108.

2-6. Ibid., p. 96.

2-7. Ibid., p. 96.

2-8. Ibid., p. 109.

2-9. USA Today (May 21, 2007): p. 7B.

2-10. Ibid.

2-11. Chip Mehaffey, Heart of a Coach, found in Christianity Today International /Men of Integrity (July/August 2008).

Preoccupied Eith “ME”

Chapter 3

Be a good listener. Your ears will never get you into trouble.[1]

— Frank Tyger

The man stepped out from the Washington, D.C., metro at the L’Enfant Plaza station and stood against the wall, next to a trash can. He wore a long-sleeved T-shirt, jeans, and a Washington National’s baseball cap. He pulled a violin from the nondescript case, left it open on the ground, put a few dollars in it, and then began to play.

The morning foot traffic was heavy as many were rushing to work — likely to government jobs. L’Enfant Plaza is in the middle of federal Washington. Most of the people were mid-level bureaucrats — consultants, project managers, specialists.

For 43 minutes he played six classical pieces. In that brief time, 1,097 people passed by. His music wasn’t noticed — few paused. Work and the day were on their minds. Preoccupations with tasks, challenges, or opportunities have a way of occupying our focus.

Some of the people might have enjoyed a small moment of the precise, perfect violin sound. Some might have been irritated or have thought, Why can’t this guy get a real job like the rest of us? Some might have had the brief idea that this guy could be really good — if he worked at it for a while.

The violinist standing by the bare wall as hundreds passed by was 39-year-old Joshua Bell, one of the finest classical musicians in the world, playing some of the most elegant music ever written, on a $3.5 million Stradivarius.

Gene Weingarten said, “Joshua Bell routinely fills concert halls around the world. But when the rush-hour commuters had a chance to hear Bell for free, they didn’t even stop to listen.”

The Washington Post was doing an experiment in context, perception, and priorities.[2]

Be quick to listen (James 1:19).

The preoccupation of the day and our choice not to hear those around us can cause us to miss some very special people — and opportunities. The danger of not listening can be in the possibility of missing something crucial. We could miss a brilliant idea, not notice a wonderful new talent or discover the solution we have been looking for.

What conversations have we pretended to be involved in, while we were preoccupied with our own thoughts? What moments have we chosen to ignore when, for a brief time, we could have gained tremendous insight or discovered a person’s unique talent? What have we missed from our children, our spouse, our employee, our employer, or our friend because we were not listening? Being on top of our game can cause us to think about little else but ourselves.

My wife and I were in England when we happened to watch an amazing event. The “Britain’s Got Talent” TV show was searching for an act to perform for the queen at the Royal Variety Performance. The winner would receive 250,000 pounds.

Paul Potts, a mobile phone salesman from Wales, humbly stepped on stage in an inexpensive suit, with a bad haircut and little expression on his face. His short, overweight stature caused initial negative reactions in the audience. Notoriously critical Idol judge Simon Cowell and the huge TV audience looked at this brave performer and quickly analyzed him as an unsubstantial prospect. No one seemed to expect a quality performance.

Paul Potts had experienced many health issues. A burst appendix, a huge tumor on his adrenal gland, and a shattered collarbone after being knocked off the bike he rode to work were all part of his stream of bad luck.

Looking into the eyes of the judges, he began singing “Nessun Dorma,” made famous by Luciano Pavarotti. The voice seemed surreal. The pitch was perfect. Immediately, everyone listened. Simon Cowell’s jaw dropped, the other judges stared in amazement, tears running down the cheeks of one of them. Their hearts were stunned and deeply moved.

Potts received a standing ovation from the 2,000-strong audience at Cardiff’s Millennium Centre and accolades from the judges, which included ex-tabloid editor Piers Morgan and actress Amanda Holden.

Potts said, “I heard some of the audience was reduced to tears after my performance, and Amanda has been quoted as saying the hairs on her neck stand up when she remembers it.”

Just a few weeks later — in front of about 13 million television viewers — he looked a little different. People saw the gifted Paul Potts with new eyes and ears. Now they looked through any distracters of appearance, clothing, haircut, etc. and heard only him. He stole the show — and that night picked up all the money. His life was forever changed.

How many Paul Potts are out there? Too quickly we analyze people by their stature, clothing, color, or income.

Where does potential come from?

What is the unique gift that your son, daughter, or employee has? Have you noticed? Have we become preoccupied with our success? And perhaps, their flaws. We can miss the talent of those closest to us.

All Leaders Can Learn to Listen

Notice how God listens to people and observes potential and probable talent. When reading the Bible, there seems to be a consistent principle that guides the eye of God when He chooses someone to be a leader. He looks beyond the physical and sees motives and deep thoughts, and He listens to the person’s heart’s desires.

Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart (1 Sam. 16:7).

The first king of Israel made the tragic mistake of being more concerned about the opinions of people than he was of being disobedient to what God told him to do.

Saul used the words of countless leaders: “I was afraid of the people and so I gave in to them” (1 Sam. 15:24).

No doubt, the pressure of the crowd, our friends, or employees can get to us. We can become distracted from our focus and panic or lose our perspective. Saul did. As a result, God chose another leader whom He could trust to be obedient.

The spiritual leader of that day was Samuel. He grieved over Saul’s decision to let himself become arrogant and take matters into his own hands. However, God reminded Samuel that he needed to move on, to get over it. A leader can’t lead effectively if he or she has selfish motives and chooses not to do what they know is right.

God said to Samuel, “How long will you mourn for Saul, since I have rejected him as king over Israel?” (1 Sam. 16:1).

Samuel began looking for Israel’s second king. God instructed him to go to the family of Jesse in Bethlehem, and there he would find the new king. Jesse had seven sons. Eliab was the oldest; Abinadab was next; Shammah was third. Samuel naturally thought that the oldest son, Eliab, would be the choice. Typically the eldest son had the greatest responsibility and, during that day, received the greatest inheritance, blessing, and responsibilities when his father died.

But Eliab was not God’s choice, nor was Abinadab, nor Shammah, or three other brothers down the line. Samuel did not feel comfortable with any of these natural choices from the sons of Jesse. Jesse thought that one of the six obvious choices would be pleasing to Samuel. Both men had preformed opinions. Our choices in life can easily be predetermined by our assumptions; we often have an agenda before we have listened.

Samuel asked Jesse, “Are these all the sons you have?”

“There is still the youngest …but he is tending the sheep,” Jesse responded. Perhaps Jesse said, “I’ve got another boy who is way too young and immature, and he’s doing the chores down with the sheep.”

Jesse could have thought, My oldest son is the obvious choice or What difference does it make if young David is here? Just pick one of my boys who are here in the room.

The easy, obvious way can cause us to miss God’s best. Samuel said to Jesse:

“Send for him; we will not sit down until he arrives.” So he sent and had him brought in. He was ruddy, with a fine appearance and handsome features. Then the Lord said, “Rise and anoint him; he is the one” (1 Sam. 16:12).

God’s choice was different than what Jesse and Samuel pre-determined.

But Samuel was listening while he was observing. He waited until he heard the voice of “approval.”

Are we listening to those around us? People often communicate without words. Our family members are giving signals all of the time. Our employees, employers, board members, parishioners, and pastors are communicating continually.

I am going to be meeting people today who talk too much —People who are selfish, egotistical, ungrateful. But I won’t be surprised or disturbed For I can’t imagine a world without such people.[3]

— Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius

Listening includes reading body language, hearing words and voice tones, and using a sense of intuition. All of us have a “third ear” that hears communication by focusing on more than just words. If we are careful to pay attention, we will understand with greater accuracy what others are really saying, or are trying to say.

Ten Tips about Listening

• Begin by knowing that the people you’re talking to mostly want to talk about themselves.

Many, even most, people are lonely. Few have people who really listen to them and hear what they want to say. They desire to talk about their lives, their tastes, and their views. To the extent that you let them do that, you facilitate conversation. Leaders also are lonely.

He who answers before listening — that is his folly and his shame (Prov. 18:13).

• Understand that listening takes discipline and concentration.

Our minds are literally processing thoughts at least four times faster than the words we’re listening to, so there is a lot of room for boredom. Use this extra attention span for listening to what they are not saying with their words but with their body language, eyes, lips, and hand movements. Our intuition — emotional intelligence — is a gift that all of us have.

• Establish common ground.

For example, if the person is from Washington, talk about how often you’ve been to Washington (if you have been there) or how beautiful it is. If they’ve had a loss, briefly explain a loss that you’ve experienced.

• Say kind, generous things to your conversation partners.

Talk about how beautiful their home is, or offer compliments about something else. If they react negatively to compliments, move on to another non-threatening area, such as what they enjoy doing when they have free time.

Develop interest in life as you see it; in people, things, literature, music — the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls, and interesting people. Forget yourself.[4]

— Henry Miller

• Keep your comments brief.

Don’t respond to a question about where you’re from with a long, detailed answer about all the places you’ve been. Answer in detail only if the other person asks for details. Try to remind yourself that this conversation is about them — not you.

• Get back on common ground again as soon as you can.

Ask them to explain how their job works. What is important to them? What thoughts, ideas, changes, and dreams do they have concerning their career and life?

• Keep the focus off of you.

Don’t brag unless you do it in a funny way. Don’t tell people how much money you make or how expensive your car or home is. Remember that name-dropping usually makes others feel inadequate or defensive. Don’t tell people how cool you are. No one likes a braggart. No one likes to feel small compared with someone else.

• Remember that you are a normal person, talking to a normal person.

Both of you have idiosyncrasies, challenges, and dreams. Trying to find common ground as a human being will be disarming.

• If you talk about current issues, do so in a genial, friendly way.

Don’t start fights about religion, politics, or anything else. Just smile and laugh about it; and if the person you’re talking to insists on saying provocative things, change the subject.

• Be aware of the person’s time and energy.

Make whatever points you need to make in a hurry, and then leave. Time is valuable. They could need to move on because of a monetary concern, an appointment, or a priority item that is important to them or to you. Time is everything in life and you oblige people by saving their time.

Listening, observing, and perceiving are all skills that look very different from aggressiveness and our predetermined ideas.

I like what the Ken Blanchard Company recommends that its managers and leaders do as they develop coaching skills (listening) when working with their employees. They teach a deliberate process called C-FAR:

Connect. You connect by building rapport and setting the context. The essential quality of connect is openness. To connect effectively, a manager must be present. Be a model in actions and attitudes. In this phase of the process the manager needs to make it known that he or she is interested and cares. This may sound simple, yet any manager knows that it isn’t always easy to turn away from the computer screen, tune out the phone, and be fully attentive. Show people you care by being a “connecting” role model.

Focus. You focus by identifying topics and goals to be discussed. The essential quality of focus is attentiveness. To focus effectively, a manager must be alert and focused on the other person and be agile and refocus as needed.

Activate. In order to activate effectively, it is essential to speak simply and directly and encourage others to stretch to reach their potential.

Although appropriate actions to achieve specific goals can be brainstormed and suggested by the coaching manager, ultimately the key is for the person to be crystal clear about which actions he or she is committed to and why.

Review. You can review by recapping the discussion to ensure clear agreements. The essential quality of review is diligence. To review effectively, a manager must

- gain agreement on next steps and expectations;

- end meetings by reviewing and synthesizing the conversations.

In this final phase (which is missing from most conversations), the manager needs to make sure that clear agreements with time-lines are in place. It is astonishing how often two people interpret a conversation differently, according to their own agendas and worldviews. The discipline of the review ensures that both parties fully agree on commitments. This saves enormous amounts of time and prevents misunderstandings down the road.[5]

Let’s not miss great talent or tremendous need because we decide not to slow the process down and listen to our heart’s impression.

Olympic swimming champion Michael Phelps very easily could have been one of those rare talents that was missed. He was an athlete that took Ritalin for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) as a child. “He never sat still. He never shut up; he would never stop asking questions,” his mom says. “He just wanted to go from one thing to another.”

His parents divorced when he was nine and his mother was grateful for the structure that swimming provided. When he was in elementary school, a teacher told his mom that Phelps would never focus on anything. His mom disagreed. She had seen him at swim meets. “He might be rocking on the kickboard as he’s waiting to swim,” she told the teacher, “but he knows what he wants to do.”

Michael’s swim coach, Bob Bowman, came into his life when he was 11. Phelps said, “He, I guess, saw something in me …and really has never given up on me through good times and bad. He’s been able to help me grow from the little 11-year-old swimmer who didn’t really know what he was doing to the person I am today.”

All his mom knows is that swimming set her hyperactive son on a singular path. He asked to be taken off of Ritalin when he reached middle school, mainly because he didn’t want to go to the school nurse’s office each day. His mom agreed …on the condition he wouldn’t act up at school.

By then his coach had laid out a plan for Phelps, one that had a horizon as far as the 2012 Olympics, one focused lap at a time. Phelps never went back on Ritalin.

His mother, Debbie Phelps, says, “Swimming was Michael’s comfort zone.”[6]

I’m sure that many people became overconcerned and focused on his hyperactivity and inability to sit still and that he was disruptive to others. His mother and his coach looked deeper and saw a rare talent. They listened to an impression that most had missed. They heard something inside them say, This person can swim better than anyone in the pool.

Our perception of being on top of our game, of having made it, can persuade us to miss wonderful, beautiful, creative, talented, deep, spiritual, gifted, and even needy people.

Listening takes tremendous discipline. Discipline is a healthy habit of the mind.

Endnotes

3-1. Quote of the day archives: Success, Legendinc.com.

3-2. Gene Weingarten, “Pearls Before Breakfast,” Washington Post, April 8, 2007, p. W10.

3-3. Archibald Hart, Habits of the Mind (Dallas, TX: Word Publishing, 1996), p. 45.

3-4. Legendinc.Com.

3-5. “Performance Coaching: Don’t Forget Coaching,” The Ken Blanchard Companies, Ignight (June 2006).

3-6. Vicki Michaels, “Built to Swim: Phelps Found a Focus and Refuge in Water,” USA Today (August 1–3, 2008): p. 1 & 2A.

Balanced Egos

Chapter 4

Gain is the edge of loss; loss is the heart of gain. Having many difficulties perfects the being; having no difficulties ruins the being.[1]

— Lao Tzu

The president of a humanitarian company asked for a meeting with me because he wanted some advice on conflict management issues. He heard about some of the materials I wrote on this topic, and was interested in my discovery that conflict is the primary reason leaders quit their jobs — or pastors quit their churches. As we stumbled through the introductory surface talk of trying to know a little about each other, he said, “I’d like you to tell me what I can change.”

I said, “What do you mean?”

He spoke of his organization briefly, and then of himself for about 15 minutes. I began wondering if he just wanted to talk to someone who would listen, or if he really wanted advice. Then he stopped.

I asked, “Are you wanting my thoughts about your organization, conflict management, or yourself?”

“All the above.”

I responded, “Though I have met you before and appreciate your organization, I don’t know you. We haven’t had time to get to know each other. If there is something specific that you would like to bounce off of me, I’d be glad to talk to you about it. Are there conflict issues, or are you wanting to talk about your ideas on how to reorganize and grow, or your goals for the company?”

He then injected a different angle, saying his greatest problem was his “ego,” which he defined as pride. He said he had a “strong self-image” and faith in his abilities, but his ego sometimes got him into trouble.

“What do you mean by your 'ego got you into trouble’?” I asked.

He felt that his organization was not growing because his “pride” was being judged by God. His evidence was the fact that he did not have enough income for the organization to grow — let alone survive.

Now the question became more complicated. Was he asking my opinion about how to grow his organization, what he could do to improve it? Or was he asking my opinion on whether his “ego” was inflated and if I thought he was in financial trouble because of that?

For many years, while I served people as a pastor, an executive in a Christian organization, and a speaker at all sorts of Christian events, I heard the “ego” question often.

Too much ego, not enough ego (what is ego?) — where is the balance?

All of us have “egos.” If we try to erase our egos, we become paralyzed in our ability to grow, and we become dependent on everyone else’s opinion. Much of what we could become is lost in the opinions of others.

If we have too much ego, we develop unhealthy pride that can be devastating and destructive to us and others.

How do you define a healthy ego?

As Ken Blanchard has aptly defined in his book, Lead Like Jesus, there is “ego” (edging God out) and “EGO” (exalting God only).[2] How we use our unique ego is a daily question.

Ego isn’t right or wrong. We all have one. It is tied to our emotions, attitudes, thoughts, accomplishments, and decisions about where we are going in our lives and organizations.

Maintaining a healthy ego is our challenge. Healthy ego is a balanced ego, and humility is the key ingredient.

People with humility don’t think less about themselves —They just think about themselves less.[3]

— Les Giblin

In their book, Egonomics: What Makes Ego Our Greatest Asset (or Most Expensive Liability), Steven Smith and David Marcum write about the need for a balanced ego in our personal lives and careers. For ten years, Smith researched the issue of too much ego and how it can “cost” an organization or a person. He estimates that ego costs a company (or church) 6 to 15 percent of their annual revenue (many believe that estimate is too conservative). For churches, that could be 6 to 15 percent of its church attendees.

On a blog about Smith’s opinion of ego and success, he was asked, “Which comes first: big ego or success?”

He replied, “First, there’s a vital difference between big ego and big ambition. Successful people usually start with big ambition/big ideas, and a normal or healthy ego. That combination of ambition, ideas, and healthy ego drives their success. If they’re not careful, though, their success creates the illusion that it was them alone that achieved that success. And the more publicly visible they are, the more they believe the headlines that attribute their success to just them.

“Once they assign all of that success to themselves, their ego whispers how great they are, and anything else they think or do will be equally great. That’s when healthy ego becomes big ego, and it’s hard to convince ourselves it’s not just us because our self-written history reinforces that we’re the one that did it.”[4]

We have all seen the effects of “egomaniacs” in organizations, churches, families, and neighborhoods. As successful people, we certainly want to avoid all the pitfalls of being that way.

With the possibility that our successes bring the baggage of a “big ego,” what is a healthy ego? And how can we find balance and maintain it for a lifetime?

The authors of Egonomics feel that genuine confidence doesn’t have to exert itself to “prove” its confidence. “Healthy ego keeps us from thinking too highly or too little of ourselves and reminds us how far we have come, while at the same time helping us see how far short we are of what we can be.”[5]

Before his downfall a man’s heart is proud, but humility comes before honor (Prov. 18:12).

To understand what healthy ego is, we have to understand the relationship between ego and humility.

Some traditions hold that the opposite of excessive ego is zero or little confidence in your “raw ability,” and not trusting your ego (it will only get you into trouble) when, in fact, having too little ego is just as dangerous and unproductive as having too much.

When we strike the right balance between ego and humility, we’re genuinely confident. The ideal place is the middle of the road — not far to the left with no ego, and avoiding the right with too much ego, which develops into arrogance and pride.

In Egonomics, this is called ego equilibrium. “Since there’s a natural tendency to deviate from the equilibrium when we move just right or left of center, we get false confidence, and ego manages us rather than the other way around. As a result, our strengths morph into counterfeit weaknesses, like someone who’s passionate now becomes overzealous, or if we’re strong-willed now we become inflexible. We think it’s the same thing, but it’s not and everyone around us notices the difference.”[6]

If humility is the way to keep our ego in balance, how can we become successful in our career, ministry, business, and lives in general?

How can we tell the difference between being too assertive, too aggressive, or too excessive in our goals, and being a person who is motivated by humility, with a strong work ethic, having solid goals?

“Humility is the point of equilibrium between too much ego and not enough.”[7]

Smith feels that humility has a reputation for being the polar opposite of excessive ego. In fact, the exact opposite of excessive ego is no confidence at all. Humility provides the critical balance between the two extremes.[8]

In trying to figure out how good companies, churches, and people go from good to great, Jim Collins (Good to Great) found that humility was one of only two characteristics that separated leaders who are capable of leading good performing companies, and leaders who made their companies great performers in the marketplace. [9] Churches, organizations, and people in the development phase of their careers who understand this principle grow “wider and deeper.”

Collins found that the leaders who lifted their companies to greatness and sustained that level for over 15 years did it in the same competitive world that everyone else was in. Humility is the factor that is lived out as we do what we do in a very competitive world.

Learning the meaning of humility (for us personally) is often a life-long journey. I know people who seem to have this area of their lives under control; others I know may never get it. For Moses, it likely took 40 or more years; for King Saul, the lack of humility seemed to be the poison that ended his life. We can humble ourselves or wait for life to humble us. Humility is a daily decision (sometimes an hourly decision).

We decide to appreciate our abilities, blessings, careers, and achievements with the understanding that God (and a lot of people) helped us become who we are — or we can let life (failure, illness, rejection, getting fired, our inappropriate decisions or moral failures, accidents, and heartaches) humble us. Even a “perp walk” can be used to humble some.

The Perp Walk

The term “perp walk” has come to the forefront of many leaders’ vocabulary. It describes the action of the police, the media, the organization, or the church parading an accused or arrested person before the public (perhaps in handcuffs). It brings fear, anxiety, dread, and a sense of warning.

When New York Governor Elliot Spitzer and his wife, Silda, stood before the “world” of CNN, FOX, the New York Times, etc., and dozens of other cameras, people were yelling questions at him about his liaison with a high-priced prostitute. Spitzer was experiencing his “perp walk.” The “Sheriff of Wall Street” and “the people’s lawyer” had done the very thing that he prosecuted people for.

King David took a perp walk when his friend confronted him about his affair with Bathsheba and the murder of her husband. David admitted his failures and paid the price. He recognized that humbling himself, versus hardening himself, was the healthy way to go. He was forgiven, restored, and learned the lessons of humility.

Moses took this walk when he thought he was doing the right thing by killing an Egyptian when the man was beating an Israelite. Moses literally ran for his life and stayed away from public leadership for 40 years.

Paul the Apostle put a man on notice that was living immorally with one of his relatives. Paul told the leadership of the church to remove him unless he changed his behavior. The man responded to this public humiliation by doing the right thing and repenting, and he was restored to that congregation.

The jury is out on how people respond when going through this kind of shocking experience. Experts feel that the best way to respond to public humiliation for wrongdoing is to admit your bad decisions (confess your sins) and do the right thing (repent — do the opposite of what you have been doing). Some get bitter; others get better.

CPA Scott D. Sullivan started out with excellent credentials. He graduated from State University of New York at Oswego in 1983, was awarded the Anniversary Class Award for alumni in 1998, and soon became a certified public accountant and the chief financial officer, treasurer, board member, and secretary of WorldCom.

Along his road of success he made the decision to “engineer” WorldCom’s $11 billion through accounting fraud (to date, it is the largest scandal of its kind in U.S. history). He was paraded in front of the world (his perp walk) and soon entered a guilty plea and was sentenced to five years in prison as part of a plea agreement in which he testified against his former boss, WorldCom CEO Bernard Ebbers, who received a 25-year sentence.

In other news, 78-year-old John Rigas was a founder of Adelphia Communications Corporation, which, at its peak, was one of the largest cable companies in the United States. He was also the majority owner of the Buffalo Sabres franchise of the National Hockey League. Rigas was the son of Greek immigrant parents; he followed a path from rags to riches …to ruin.

His first job, at the age of nine, was busing tables. After graduating from high school, he enlisted in the U.S. Army and was placed in an armored infantry division in 1943, and saw combat in France.

He had a bachelor of science degree in management engineering, and many honors, including honorary degrees by three universities. As co-founder of Adelphia, he helped launch product lines such as high-speed internet service and long-distance telephone service.

He was forced to resign from his position as CEO in May 2002 after being indicted for bank, wire, and securities fraud. His sons Timothy and Michael (and others) were also charged with participation in the schemes. They were accused of looting the corporation by concealing $2.3 billion in liabilities from corporate investors and of using corporate funds as their personal funds.

John Rigas and his son Timothy are in prison. I don’t know how this experience has affected their egos, but for certain, their bad decisions that caused them to be paraded in front of the world have been humbling.

Steve Jobs, founder of Apple computers, seemed to respond successfully to his “breaking point.” When he was fired from Apple, life began to humble him through his own health challenges, his loss of reputation, and the loss of what he’d created, etc. Most feel that Steve came out of that nightmare with a healthier ego, because life had humbled him and he had accepted the lessons.

In a commencement speech at Stanford, he said (concerning his return to Apple, iPod, and iTunes), “I’m pretty sure that none of this would have happened if I hadn’t been fired from Apple. It was an awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it.”

Since his return to Apple, he has been featured on the cover of Fortune magazine. The two-page spread inside showed six or seven people sitting next to Steve. He looks like he understands that he’s successful not because of his talent, brains, and ingenuity, but because of a lot of others who work alongside of him with all of their combined collaborative gifts. Efforts, combined skills, and goals have made the company what it is. Most feel that Steve is a much better leader this time around.

Too Little Ego?

How about the opposite? Can we have the opinion that no ego is good and avoid it altogether — tilt toward the side of not enough ego?

There are some that believe they need to wipe out all ego. This can get us into trouble, too, as ego in itself is not wrong (in fact it’s good). But maintaining a healthy, humble, balanced ego is the goal we must shoot for.

In their book Egonomics, Smith and Marcum address “not enough ego” — which they call the “junior high” side of ego — where we need the approval and acceptance of others so much that we make decisions we wouldn’t make if we felt genuinely confident about who we are.

“The lack of enough ego puts others in the driver’s seat of our self-confidence, and people start to shape their thoughts and actions to what they believe will be endorsed by others; they become pleasers and don’t offer what’s on their minds.”[10]

When our desire for acceptance is healthy, acceptance and respect are still important to us, but they aren’t our overpowering need.

I think of it this way: Imagine sitting on the teeter-totter in the park with your spouse (or friend). Both of you understand that too much weight on one end will cause the teeter-totter to tip that way and go to the ground. The fun and the goal of this piece of play equipment is to try to find the even weight that will cause the teeter-totter to be balanced.

Ego works a lot like this. If the weight of our lives is too much on the ego side, we will fall to the side of pride (along with all its dangerous consequences). If we are too heavy on the low confidence ego side, then we will hit the ground and be insecure in all that we do — we desperately need other people’s opinions before we can function. We can become driven by others and not by our unique God-given gifts and abilities. Both too little and too much ego can be devastating. A healthy ego that is governed by true humility will keep our lives and careers in balance.

We Ought to Be Warned When We See Others Fall

I have talked to perhaps hundreds of people who have gotten into trouble with their organization, church, company, and/or family because of wrong or sinful decisions. When they’re telling me their stories, I’m thinking how normal most of these people seem — and that there but for the grace of God, go I.

The conversations have involved emotional issues, life imbalance, and insecurity, as well as the devastating behaviors of adultery, sexual misconduct, ethical violations, inappropriate use of funds (extortion), drug use, molestation, and more. When talking to them, I have tried to discover the place where it all began for them.

Did their pattern start when they were children? Were they injured by an adult, a parent, a sibling, or a person of influence? Were they influenced by pornography, a teacher, a friend, a neighbor, etc.? Was it pride that grew and gave them a sense of entitlement? Did they lie to themselves and rationalize that they could get away with it?

How did it start?

Until we know how it began, it is hard to get it right and to be restored. Only then can we acknowledge it (confess it) and understand how to avoid and to overcome the painful experience or falsehood that began at some point in our lives.

With the failures of most successful people, an inflated ego (pride) was a major issue that pushed them over the edge from balance to imbalance. An inflated ego or pride has been around for a long time. Also, a lack of confidence in who they are, what gifts they have, and God’s unique blessings on their lives have caused many good people to make decisions that ruined their lives. Insecurity can be dangerous, too.

This attitude is older than the length of time that people have lived on the earth (before Adam and Eve). It has been a pervasive issue in every generation, every nation, and every organization.

Satan was once called Lucifer. He was one of God’s most talented angels, but he let his gifts develop into pride. He thought that he was as good as God who created him. He even convinced other angels (now demons) of his opinion. “For you said to yourself, 'I will ascend to heaven and set my throne above God’s stars. I will preside on the mountain of the gods far away in the north. I will climb to the highest heavens and be like the Most High” (Isa. 14:13–14; NLT).

Kings have said to themselves that all they’ve accomplished was because of their skill, and often that viewpoint has cost them their position. “But after Uzziah became powerful, his pride led to his downfall” (2 Chron. 26:16). For generations, leaders have not acknowledged that God’s goodness has been rich in their lives, but instead have become proud in their hearts about who they were.

But Hezekiah’s heart was proud and he did not respond to the kindness shown him; therefore the Lord’s wrath was on him (2 Chron. 32:25).

Lots of successful people have looked at their accomplishments with arrogance and told themselves that all they have done is because of their ingenuity and power, and for their “glory.” King Nebuchadnezzar said, “Is not this the great Babylon I have built as the royal residence, by my mighty power and for the glory of my majesty?” (Dan. 4:30). He ended up losing his mind, ate grass, and became a bum; but God gave him a second chance when he humbled himself.

Herod ordered the death of the first apostolic martyr, James, then imprisoned Peter. Herod’s opinion that he was more powerful than God’s leaders and his dishonoring God became his sentence of death. “Herod put on his royal robes, sat on his throne, and made a speech to them. The people gave him a great ovation, shouting, 'It’s the voice of a god, not of a man!’ Instantly, an angel of the Lord struck Herod with a sickness, because he accepted the people’s worship instead of giving the glory to God. So he was consumed with worms and died” (Acts 12:21–23; NLT).

History alone ought to remind us that pride will only get us into trouble (President Clinton, Ken Lay, Jimmy Swaggart, Pastor Ted Haggard, Governor Spitzer, etc.). Along with this attitude we develop a sense of entitlement; we expect to get away with our behavior, we can compartmentalize our prideful thinking or wrong decisions, and we live a double life. (See my book, Why Great Men Fall).[11]

We’ve all heard that we have to learn from our mistakes, but I think it’s more important to learn from successes. If you learn only from your mistakes, you are inclined to learn only errors.[12]

— Norman Vincent Peale

How Can We Find Balance?

In their book Egonomics, Steven Smith and David Marcum feel there are four warning signs that tell us when we are out of balance.

These people become defensive of their opinions and decisions, they constantly compare themselves to others (companies, churches, other leaders), they continually look for acceptance from others (people-pleasers, driven by other people’s opinions), and as often as they can, they brag about their accomplishments (showcase brilliance). As a result, an egomaniac is born.

Some of the evidences of this problem are the person’s view of the people they work with, their competitors, or just other people in general. For example, they

- see someone they work with as a rival and think about how to “beat” them,

- take it personally when someone disagrees with their ideas,

- compulsively follow a competitor’s lead so they’re not doing anything you’re not doing,

- criticize a competitor’s strategies and prematurely discard them as irrelevant,

- believe they don’t ever deserve to lose a game, a debate, a conversation, a promotion, a raise, etc., and they’re not gracious in defeat,

- disagree with someone’s point just because of who said it,

- feel worse about their position when they see others achieve (succeed).

How can we find the middle of the road? What is the secret to living a balanced, successful life that is governed by humility? We can counterbalance the “egomaniac” or “no ego permitted” tendency by applying some eternal truths that were written by one of the wisest men who ever lived. King Solomon understood both how ego can get us into trouble and how to live a disciplined life. The following are a few success clues.

• Daily remind ourselves that any person’s ego can get out of control. Pride will kill us; humility will help us.

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom (Prov. 11:2).

Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall (Prov. 16:18).

Hubris — a Greek term where a person is so full of himself/herself that he/she loses all touch of reality.

• Understand that we need to permit others (including our spouse and children) to speak into our lives as we grow, become successful, and perhaps even become a person that others admire.

For lack of guidance a nation falls, but many advisers make victory sure (Prov. 11:14).

The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice (Prov. 12:15).

• Be cautious about who you choose to bring into your life, who you are impressed with, and who you spend your time with. Emotions and behavioral patterns are contagious.

A righteous man is cautious in friendship (Prov. 12:26).

He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm (Prov. 13:20).

• Think through each decision you make. Why are you doing what you do, and how will this decision affect your life?

A prudent man gives thought to his steps (Prov. 14:15).

• Realistically assess your achievements by asking, “Who helped me get where I am, and how can I receive daily advice about living successfully?”

Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed (Prov. 16:3).

And at the beginning of the biblical Book of Proverbs we find: “These are the proverbs…. Their purpose is to teach people wisdom and discipline, to help them understand the insights of the wise. Their purpose is to teach people to live disciplined and successful lives” (Prov. 1:1–3; NLT).

There are 31 chapters in Proverbs. Try to read one each day of the month.

Humility versus pride — finding balance will guard our lives and future successes.

Years ago, I was asked to head up the counseling and follow-up department for a Billy Graham crusade in Tacoma, Washington. I knew that this was a huge responsibility, as literally hundreds and hundreds of people respond to his messages wherever he speaks. My job was to help those people understand the decision they had made, to coordinate all the volunteers who talked to people when they responded to Dr. Graham’s messages, and to assign churches to keep in touch with those people.

Before the crusade began, my wife and I were in a room with Dr. Graham and a few others. It was a little awkward in that we didn’t seem to be able to find a comfortable conversation topic that fit the occasion, and most were a little intimidated by this man. The room was very quiet. Dr. Graham was just standing there.

I decided to ask him a question that I have always wondered about. “Dr. Graham, wherever you go in the world, you draw huge crowds and have tremendous responses. The media comes out and interviews you, and dignitaries and government leaders want your counsel. How does this make you feel?”

He looked at me for a few moments and responded, “I feel like a worm.”

He is perhaps the most successful evangelist in the history of Christianity. He understands balance.

Endnotes

4-1. http://thebloomingcactus.com/favorite-quotes/.

4-2. Ken Blanchard and Phil Hodge, Lead like Jesus (Nashville, TN: W Publishing Group, 2005).

4-3. Les Giblin, How to Have Confidence and Power in Dealing with People (Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall, 1956).

4-4. http://guykawasaki.com/2007/09/are-you-an-egom.html.

4-5. Ibid.

4-6. Ibid.

4-7. HVACRBUSINESS, Inside HVACRBUSINESS, November 2007, “Are You an Egomaniac?” http://hvacrbusiness.com/issue/article/613/are_you_an_egomaniac.aspx.

4-8. http://guykawasaki.com/2007/09/are-you-an-egom.html.

4-9. Jim Collins, Good to Great (New York: HarperBusiness, 2001).

4-10. http://guykawasaki.com/2007/09/are-you-an-egom.html.

4-11. Wayde Goodall, Why Great Men Fall (Green Forest, AR: New Leaf Press, 2005).

4-12. http://brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/n/norman_vincent_peale.html.

What Is “Moral” North?

Chapter 5

How selfish soever man may be supposed …there are evidently some principles in his nature, which interest him in the fortune of others, and render their happiness necessary to him, though he derives nothing from it, except the pleasure of seeing it.[1]

— Adam Smith

There were two men in a certain town, one rich and the other poor. The rich man had a very large number of sheep and cattle, but the poor man had nothing except one little ewe lamb he had bought. He raised it, and it grew up with him and his children. It shared his food, drank from his cup and even slept in his arms. It was like a daughter to him. Now a traveler came to the rich man, but the rich man refrained from taking one of his own sheep or cattle to prepare a meal for the traveler who had come to him. Instead, he took the ewe lamb that belonged to the poor man and prepared it for the one who had come to him (2 Sam. 12:1–4, my emphasis).

What causes a successful person to take advantage of someone who has little? Why do some televangelists tell a poor person to send them $100 so that God will supernaturally multiply it and give the poor person $1,000 in return? Why would an employer hurt those who work for him or her because the employer wants to look good or advance in his or her field? What is the root cause that drives a successful person to play with the lives of those who work for him or her in their organization or church? Is it simply because they can?

The wealthy businessperson in our opening story had more sheep and cattle than he could use. One day a friend decided to stop by his home for a visit. It was customary to demonstrate hospitality by preparing a meal for visiting guests. Unfortunately, the business leader decided that he would not use any of his own sheep to feed his guest, but would take the one sheep that his poor neighbor owned — and cherished.

Why the selfishness? Likely because he felt it was to his advantage to do this, and he hoped to get away with it.

The story was created as an example of what King David did. His friend and counselor, Nathan, decided to tell him the above story of abuse as an example of how one wealthy, successful person can take advantage of someone less fortunate — to shock David into “conscience” reality.

God wanted David to come to his own conclusion of how wrong that behavior was. David was the person who selfishly took from his neighbor. He had become numb to his similar behavior and had pushed aside his own actions.

King David’s next-door neighbor, Uriah, was a faithful soldier and leader in David’s army. The dearest person in Uriah’s life was his wife, Bathsheba.

David had lots of fulfillment with his own wives and could have satisfied any of his urges without hurting another family, but he decided to take from someone who had much less. David committed adultery with Bathsheba and she became pregnant.

Uriah was loyal and devoted. His dedication and trust of his leader, David, was second to none. David knew this but still took from him.

When David found out that his “one-night stand” resulted in a pregnancy, he tried to cover it up by offering Uriah an opportunity to sleep with Bathsheba. When David couldn’t trick Uriah into returning from the war and sleeping with his wife, David decided to kill Uriah, thinking he could cover up his embarrassing secret.

David repented and God forgave him for his sin, but David suffered tremendous heartache when the baby died. Subsequently, David had years of agony when his children lived reckless lives. He lost his prestigious position for a time, and even though he received forgiveness, God remembered.

David’s killing of Bathsheba’s husband was an unusual evil action of doing whatever it took to make himself look good — or innocent. The innocence and loyalty of Uriah was remarkable. David not only took that which was most precious to Uriah, he took everything Uriah had, including his very life.

With compromise, one thing, one mistake in conscience, leads to more and more deception. Deeper and deeper the downward spiral goes as a person tries to cover up the original lie or misbehavior.

Does our success or position give us the right to create our own rules of behavior? Ethics professor and author Joanne Ciulla feels that a good leader is one who is highly effective and ethical in all of his or her interactions with others. She feels “we don’t always get leaders who are ethical and effective. Some leaders are competent but not ethical, and others ethical but not competent.”[2]

The boss who decides to take advantage of his employees can ruin the lives of other people because of his or her whims and desire for power, control, or just “more.”

Sensitivity to our God-given conscience is something that can fade as we gain confidence, achieve more, grow in our occupation or ministry, and receive more respect and accolades.

Where Is the Moral Compass?

In Plato’s tale The Ring of Gyges, a student named Glaucon offered a story in response to a lesson by Socrates, who argued that people are generally good even without enforcement. Glaucon tells of a shepherd named Gyges who stumbled upon a secret cavern with a corpse inside which wore a ring. When Gyges put on the ring, he found that it made him invisible. With no one able to monitor his behavior, Gyges proceeded to do terrible things — seduce the queen, murder the king, and so on. Glaucon’s story posed a moral question: Could any man resist the temptation of evil if he knew his acts could not be witnessed? Glaucon seemed to think the answer was no.[3]

I probably agree with Glaucon.

We need to be careful of a tendency within our humanness that can hurt rather than help; take rather than give; be selfish rather than generous; seek more for ourselves rather than help those around us; lead rather than serve. We can find ourselves doing similar things to King David. As leaders, we can have much acclaim and many possessions and still desire to take from those who faithfully serve and appreciate us — all the while not giving it much thought.

The Moral Compass of Those Who Succeed

I like what Sara Lee’s CEO, Brenda Barnes, said: “The most important thing about leadership is your character and the values that guide your life…. If you are guided by an internal compass that represents your character and the values that guide your decisions, you’re going to be fine. Let your values guide your actions and don’t ever lose your internal compass, because everything isn’t black or white. There are a lot of gray areas in business [and in leading a church].”[4]

Do all of us have a drive toward selfishness, a desire to constantly compromise and take advantage of others? It’s a matter of degree, but I think every successful person needs to beware of this issue. Yes, all of us can be caught up in our winning and our power, all the while ignoring the people who serve around us — and even our own family.

The good news is that we have a magnet inside of us called created in the image of God (see Gen. 1:26–27) that will point us north. In addition, Christians have the Holy Spirit to guide, teach, and help us to lead in ways that will be pleasing to God.

Even though we have the constant temptation to be selfish and to want more for ourselves, we are wired to know who God is and to find a way to connect with Him. As humans we are unique among living beings. We have the internal compass that points to being with our Creator forever: “He has also set eternity in the hearts of men” (Eccles. 3:11). God’s image is part of who we are. We have been created by God’s son, Jesus Christ, and there is a drive inside us to know Him and to be like Him (see Col. 1:15–16).

On the other hand, we have a human “flesh” nature that can do ridiculous, even evil, things. All of us who have really thought about it understand that desires for some very wrong things can cross our minds — and can even be points of temptation. Because of disregard for others, the misuse of power, the arrogance of thinking that since we have a title or lots of possessions we are better than others, we can even cause pain in order to get more.

The Christ-like conscience, called a “moral compass,” is a moment-by-moment guide to our lives. When we become a believer in Jesus Christ, He invades our life and the lights go on for us. We become very different leaders and people, and become sensitive to the needs of others like never before. But, if we are not careful, we can become calloused to life and its challenges and ignore much of what our conscience is telling us about how to treat people and how to deal with situations.

In our desire to become more successful and to achieve more, we can violate ethical standards that were once part of our lives. The drive for achievement can drive us to ignore common sense. It can be an obsessive drive within even well-meaning people and can motivate us to perform far beyond what we would call normal. We will then become driven and may distort God’s plan and push ourselves into an endless pursuit of unattainable achievements.

Elizabeth Chapman wanted her little boy, Justin, to be recognized as “the smartest little boy in the world.” Elizabeth was a 29-year-old single mom who created a bogus intelligence record for her son, including the highest IQ score ever achieved (298+). She also enticed the hapless youngster into cheating. The hoax was uncovered only when the eight year old, by then a minor celebrity, was admitted to a psychiatric hospital with signs of severe emotional distress.[5] Likely, the rationalization of wanting the best for her son, and perhaps to make herself look successful, drove Elizabeth to push herself and him to a point of deception and emotional imbalance.

This internal drive to win, no matter what, is an issue we must guard against. Businesses CEOs, leaders, athletes, heads of families, and even respected church leaders often seem to be internally driven to win regardless of the cost.

Best-selling author Bill George wrote, “What concerns me are the many powerful business leaders who bowed to stock market pressure in return for personal gain. They lost sight of their True North and put their companies at risk by focusing on the trappings and spoils of leadership instead of building their organizations for the long term. Many of those who failed walked away with enormous financial settlements.

“The result was a severing of trust with employees, customers, and shareholders, as public trust in business leaders fell to its lowest level in 50 years. In business, trust is everything, because success depends upon customers’ trust in products they buy, employees’ trust in their leaders, investors’ trust in those who invest for them, and the public’s trust in capitalism.”[6]

In a congregation, trust is everything. To the Christian television viewer, trust is everything. To the staff in a Christian organization, trust is everything. To the person who works for a Christian employer, trust is everything. To a spouse, trust of his or her spouse is huge. To children, trust of their parents is everything. Trust is the foundation of stability, and when we violate it, the structure can be destroyed or severely damaged.

God is “true north.” Knowing His Son Jesus Christ is how we develop a relationship with God. He gives us His Holy Spirit to guide us in all we do. Walk in His direction.

The Bible is our owner’s manual that instructs us how to live life and how to treat people. This blueprint for living tells us, “Your [His] word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path” (Ps. 119:105).

The Bible tells us about all the issues of life, and when we read it, and obey its principles, we will know how to act and what to do. David’s son, Solomon, wrote, “The man of integrity walks securely” (Prov. 10:9) and “The integrity of the upright guides them” (Prov. 11:3).

When we focus on being like our Creator, Jesus Christ, and we let His Word guide us, we will be balanced and life will be a lot less complicated. Sensitivity, compassion, right priorities, peace, and contentment can be supernaturally provided and become part of all we do.

Several times a year I change planes in Chicago at the O’ Hare Airport. When going from one concourse to another, there is an underground walkway/people mover. Often, when I’m rushing with the crowd to catch another plane, I notice the beautiful lights overhead that flow forward.

In the background of the noise and bustle is a gracious voice that says over and over again, “Keep walking, keep walking, keep walking.”

If the travelers stopped walking, they would miss their connections. There would be a traffic jam of bodies going nowhere. People at O’ Hare need to keep moving as they step onto that “people mover.” Planes keep taking off, appointments have to be kept, relatives need to be visited, and those going to meet friends or attend funerals need to keep moving forward. This is life.

And life can come at us fast. The successful (especially) have a unique challenge to remain sensitive to their conscience, to listen to their heart, and to pay attention to the people around them who would do anything for them. They are also responsible not to misuse their power.

Over the hills and valleys of life, in winter, summer, spring, and fall, day and night, “Keep walking, keep walking, keep walking.”

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life…. Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you. Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm. Do not swerve to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil (Prov. 4: 23–27).

Endnotes

5-1. Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner, Freakonomics (New York: HarperCollins, 2005), p. 50.

5-2. J. Ciulla, The Moral Challenges of Leadership, Venus-Seminars, Abstract, November 8, 2006. http://venus-seminars.net/?1=enroll/seminars/3.

5-3. Levitt and Dubner, Freakonomics, p. 50.

5-4. Bill George with Peter Sims, True North (San Francisco, CA: Jossey Bass, 2007), p. xxiv.

5-5. Jean Lipman-Bluemen, The Allure of Toxic Leaders (New York: Oxford University Press, 2005), p. 113.

5-6. George and Sims, True North, p. xxv.

Demonstrating Conviction

Chapter 6

Many are called, but few are chosen (Matt. 22:14; NLT).

I was recently asked to speak from my book Why Great Men Fall[1] to a group of executives, business leaders, and entrepreneurial thinkers. Another speaker was Al Weiss, president of the worldwide operations for Walt Disney Parks and Resorts. While making a point about holding on to your convictions, he gave the following illustration:

The Disney Cruise Line is experiencing a lot of success with families. Parents and children feel safe, the cruise is fun, kids have lots to do, and presently their cruise business is growing in “word of mouth” marketing momentum.

Because many cruise lines offer gambling on their ships and thereby bring in a lot of revenue, the Disney Corporation also thought that was the way to go.

Al felt differently. He didn’t think gambling was a match for the Disney cruises and felt it was a contradiction to what Disney is all about. He decided to voice his concerns to Disney’s CEO.

The conversation was an uphill challenge. Al knew that he was up against not just an opinion, and potentially lost revenue, but his company’s leaders had basically made up their minds. When meeting with the president, Al explained that he felt the plan to include gambling was not a good idea for Disney cruises. The activity would compromise the family atmosphere and give a bad example to children who would see their parents, other adults, and the Disney name participating in and promoting gambling. The president of Disney listened and in essence responded, “The income gambling brings is too great; we need the additional revenue, and everyone else is doing it.”

The discussion was over; he had made up his mind for the company. The plans were beginning to have a life of their own.

After more thought, Al decided to have a second meeting with his employer. “What if we can make as much money by focusing on more quality for the families and children? Would you consider canceling the plan to add gambling to our cruises if I could show you how we can do this?”

“Show me. If you can prove to me that we will bring in as much revenue with your plan, I’ll consider it.”

Al went to work, looked at the numbers, thought through how to develop his plan, and came up with a strategy to bring in additional revenue, meeting and exceeding the level they would have with gambling added.

A third meeting was scheduled and Al rolled out his new strategy. His plan improved the family atmosphere, as well as giving the cruises a feel that would draw parents and children and other healthy programs. He presented potential revenue goals and demonstrated how the income would go up substantially if the company followed his plan.

The Disney president listened to Al’s details and strategy for growth. His well-developed success plan was presented in a convincing way. As a result, Disney decided not to include gambling on their cruise lines. They followed the advice of Al Weiss.

Al had a conviction that said to him, “make a stand on this issue.” He followed his gut, and today the Disney cruises are experiencing more revenue. They have far exceeded their goals and have reached a level of income beyond what they would have had if they had gone with the “gambling” strategy.

Conviction is the ability to maintain a clear direction and to have a clear and consistent sense of who you are and what is most important to you.[2]

People who lead with conviction communicate strong messages about where they want to go and why. They can see even the most angst-producing situations from a more objective viewpoint.

What happens if you’re not permitted to follow your convictions?

In his book Lead like Jesus, Ken Blanchard says, “What do you do when the values of the organization do not align with your own? You may realize this over time as you experience ongoing gaps between established purpose and values and what is acted out on a day-to-day basis. You are faced with a choice: you can compromise your values, seek to be an active influence for change in the organization, or leave.”[3]

Leading like Jesus does not include letting the organization change or compromise your values. The core of the temptation to compromise your values is likely to stem from EGO issues — particularly toxic fears, such as the fear of rejection, the fear of poverty, the fear of ridicule, the fear of confrontation, or the fear of losing a position. Jesus dealt with the dynamic of choice when He spoke of the impossibility of serving two masters at the same time: “No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money” (Luke 16:13).

Jesus posed His ultimate challenge by spelling out the long-range price of compromise: “What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?” (Luke 9:25). He also told us that we can trust in His promise never to leave us alone or outside the range of His care and concern for us.

Leading like Jesus includes the possibility of choosing to be an agent of change or of seeking a more compatible environment. The appropriate response for your circumstances will depend on what God has in mind for you.[4]

Ethics = Conviction

Conviction = Ethics

Howard Gardner, professor at the Harvard Graduate School of Education, said that a person with an ethical mind asks, “If all workers in my profession did what I do, what would the world be like?”

“You may have to sacrifice respect for another person when your role as a citizen or worker calls on you to do damage control to protect an idea or institution you believe in.”

Gardner feels that honest “whistle-blowers” display ethical minds. Many people might see a top manager doing something unethical, but they won’t do anything about it because they want to keep their jobs, and they feel that they must respect the boss. The whistle-blower steps back from those concerns and considers the nature of the work and of the community in a larger way. He takes a mental leap past daily doings; his allegiance is to the workplace or to the profession. He acts ethically even though it may cost him his respectful relationship to his supervisor, and ultimately his job and relationship to his colleagues. He is able to do this because his own momentary well-being is less important than the broader mission he has endorsed.[5]

Howard Gardner says, “We are all subject to self-delusion.”

He offers that a great way to gauge ourselves is by asking, “What would my mother think?” and “What would the press write about what I’m doing?”

Michael Hackworth, the cofounder and chairman of Cirrus Logic, uses this personal temperature gauge. He insists that he will not do something that would embarrass him if it were printed in the morning paper. Even if the stock drops temporarily, he knows that his honesty with the mirror builds his credibility in the long run.[6]

If you are not prepared to resign or be fired for what you believe in, then you are not a worker, let alone a professional. You are a slave.[7]

— Howard Gardner

Ethical/Conviction Thoughts[8]

- Leadership may be less about a person’s position in an organization and more about a person’s ability to remain emotionally under control in the midst of increasing pressure to lose control.

- Adversity provides the opportunity for leadership, even for the manager who doesn’t have the title or the formal authority to lead. Managing up (especially when those above us are feeling pressure) can be the first-level manager’s toughest job.

- Leadership is about taking responsibility for your own position as leaders, working to define your own convictions and goals, while at the same time staying in touch with the human system surrounding you.

- Leadership finds a way to differentiate from the anxiety that others are feeling.

- Dogmatic leaders with the best ideas who alienate the people around them will be just as ineffective as leaders who try to please all parties and lose themselves in the process.

- Leaders have a natural tendency to be pulled toward one extreme or the other. Peace can become more important than process as they seek to keep everyone satisfied with the current situation.

- Leadership can serve in high-pressure situations while maintaining a view of what is right and maintaining the ability to understand the perspectives of others.

Dimensions of Leadership to Consider

In order to be leaders who have decided to live out our convictions and to follow ethical standards, we must set standards and develop bulwarks, foundations, and principles that we will let guide our personal lives and careers.

The question was asked of 482 investors, “If you had an investment that had done well because the company profited from unethical but legal behavior by the CEO and board, would you keep the investment or move your money elsewhere?”

Move = 76%

Keep the Investment = 21%

Don’t Know = 3%[9]

Howard Gardner feels that MBA programs and business schools do not teach ethics. To most, business ethics equals the dollar. Without more dollars, there is no way to measure success. The ethics in many business minds are about the dollar, not the principle of doing the right thing.

On the other hand, Scripture teaches that our lives as leaders are to be all about convictions and ethics. Our ethics drive us to use integrity when deciding on issues that generate profit and achieve success. We do what we do because of a sense of “rightness.” With that focus, we can listen to our convictions while following ethical business practices. If we seemingly need to violate convictions or a sense of rightness, we simply do not do it. There are many examples in the Bible of how we can lead and be sensitive to our convictions.

Servant leadership involves serving the people, the community, or the organization from the bottom up. Leading as a servant sets an example for the people we are assigned to. Servant leaders understand that there is sovereignty involved in what they do; and though the challenges will be great, they have a sense of “calling” from God (see Mark 10:25–35).

This calling (to a field of service or to an occupation) should be undertaken by someone who understands that even Jesus did not come to be served, but to serve (see Matt. 20:28). Servant leadership includes several aspects. Servant leaders lead with gentleness and meekness. However, meekness does not mean weakness. The servant leader has a sense of “God’s strength” that includes several aspects.

1. Vision

Vision understands the direction of God for the future of the business, the church, or the organization and acquires the knowledge, the assistance, and the necessary skills to lead the organization into the future.

Vision also entails the successful management of resources, people, and finances to accomplish the tasks at hand. The right people need to be acquired for the job, and the funds must be obtained in order to accomplish excellence and growth.

Vision also involves the ability and determination to persevere through difficult challenges, as well as the ability to execute plans and to hold people accountable.

2. A Sense of Purpose

A clear sense of mission and purpose can help people navigate through difficult times.[10]

As a leader, I must think about the current crisis within the context of the larger mission. A sense of purpose allows leaders to “follow their gut” or “emotional intelligence” when things get difficult. They can stay true to their convictions and sense of “this is the right thing to do” because they know where they’re going and have the ability to rely on a variety of strategies to get there.

3. Control Perceptions

While I believe that adversity and challenge can produce character, I also feel that leaders who surrender control to their environment or to present challenges lose their ability to stand up for what they believe.[11]

Excellent leadership recognizes that sometimes there are factors outside of our control. However, leaders make a conscious effort to focus on the areas where they can have the greatest positive influence. They “choose their battles carefully” and understand that “some hills are not big enough to die on.”

4. Demonstrate Perspective

Leaders who lead with a sense of conviction are able to assess the impact of their decisions on the larger organizational systems around them.[12]

As a leader, I endeavor to take multiple perspectives on issues and to focus my attention and communication on the big picture. Rather than concentrating on problems or deficits within the system, I try to focus more attention on the future and the positive potential within the system.

The problems, criticisms, and challenges of the day can tempt us to lose perspective and to compromise on our sense of doing the right thing. However, we can listen to the “many voices” around us and still keep the goal in mind at the same time.

5. Seeing the Big Picture[13]

Leadership is able to “step onto the balcony and take a 30,000-foot view” and read the system and their unique place in it. Seeing the big picture allows me to be more resilient and adaptive when faced with changes, new contingencies, and dead ends.

Leadership identifies what is possible, generates options, and chooses between alternatives, while recognizing they are dealing in interdependent systems. This is true for the small business as well as large corporations or churches. Leadership avoids “either/or” thought patterns and engages in systematic thinking where simultaneous actions can be attempted.

Remember, when people get into a tight situation, they can think What’s in it for me? instead of What’s good for the company (or church)? Our convictions will tell us to keep the big picture in mind: “What is the best choice for the Kingdom?” “What is the best for the business, while also being obedient to biblical principles?”

6. Watch the Potential, Not the Problems

Focusing attention on the problem is not necessarily the best way to solve it, but crisis situations tend to increase deficit thinking and blaming.

Leadership needs to spend significantly more time focusing on the strengths and possibilities within other people and the system, rather than focusing on the problems, obstacles, and deficits.[14]

In the case of Nehemiah, the Bible gives us the perspective of a leader who saw the potential while being constantly aware of the challenges.

Nehemiah was an assistant to the king. His Jewish heritage caused him to think about the devastating effects that had ruined Jerusalem. The city was in terrible condition. Nehemiah felt that he knew how to repair the city, rebuild the wall around it, and restore it to a level of quality for the people who lived there.

He had tremendous opposition, death threats, and even a group of people who constantly tried to sabotage him. How did he respond to all of these challenges? He repaired the wall in 52 days.

How did he do it?

- He maintained vision. Nehemiah kept this perspective: Where are we going in the future?

- Nehemiah measured all the resources. He successfully managed all the resources that the king provided. People were provided to do the job along with the money that it would take.

- He consistently demonstrated his ability to solve problems.

- He proved his ability to persevere through difficulties — daily.

- Nehemiah knew he would need to have the ability to execute his plan and to hold people accountable.

- What was Nehemiah’s attitude? Was he arrogant, saying, “I’ve got all the answers. My skill, know-how, and the people I know will get the job done”? Did he say, “I work for the king and I’ll do a power play and force the people to cooperate”? No, he didn’t do either of those things. This courageous leader decided to follow his heart, his convictions, and to trust God.

- He humbled himself.

- He fasted and prayed, knowing that he would need God’s help.

- When he heard from God, he put His vision and plan in place.

- The wall around Jerusalem was rebuilt in less than two months. As the city began to be repaired, the people who lived there were greatly encouraged, and the rumor of Nehemiah’s success began to sweep the countryside. As a result, Ezra the prophet was able to follow Nehemiah and bring revival in that city.

7. Sensitivity to Others

When I live within my convictions, other people’s needs become a large part of how I think. Being sensitive to others allows me to better understand the consequences of my actions on the organization where I serve. It also helps me stay connected with the constituents. I try to be empathetic and sensitive and to put myself in other people’s shoes, because I care about the consequences of my actions.

8. Taking the Perspective of Others

During times of conflict, I endeavor to “hear” from other voices who also are stakeholders in the decisions I make — even though they often bring independent and competing agendas.[15] It is important that I allow them to give a wide range of perspectives, and I try to calm them down in the process.

Leadership must have the ability to take others people’s perspectives and to listen aggressively to them. In this way, the leader can gather a wider range of perspectives, and will be more able to adapt his or her communication, and also avoid emotional triggers.

The opposite of that is the leader who listens aggressively, but their ethics are not motivated by a sense of rightness but of manipulation: “How are we going to use people to move our bottom line or to accomplish our agenda?” While the bottom line is important, it is not more important than integrity, ethical behavior, or people.

The ungodly mind may say, “Tell me clearly how you feel about this,” but their real motivation is to get the scoop so that they can manipulate the people and the situation. Ministry doesn’t operate that way; it’s all about holiness and people.

9. Healthy Relationships

During challenging decisions or situations, a leadership team can experience blame, attacks, anger, or dependency. Leadership must be able to empathize with those who are part of the system and feel what they feel. Empathy allows the leader to understand the consequences of his or her actions on the system and to stay connected with the constituencies.

Leadership puts themselves in other people’s shoes, and cares about the consequences of their actions. They are good listeners and not only hear the person who is advising them, but they also hear and understand what others are saying and feeling.

Leadership is able to maintain a high level of connection but remain non-reactive in situations because they do not allow themselves to perceive emotional outbursts as personal attacks.

Leadership is always called on to make difficult decisions. However, they are able to more fully understand and consider the consequences on people being affected before they choose a course of action.[16]

10. Not Taking Things Personally

I try not to react to others during a crisis, because I realize that people’s anger and negative emotions are not really personal attacks against me.[17] This attitude helps me when I need to confront people. The reason for confrontation must be focused on the facts rather than on a personal agenda. Insecurity can motivate us to personalize much of how others act or respond to us. It is very helpful to know ourselves (weaknesses and strengths) as we lead. To do this, it is beneficial to have the following capabilities:

• Understanding How I React

It is important to know how pressure affects me and to take the time to reflect and regulate my behavior. This takes conscious effort.[18]

I try to acknowledge my strengths and weaknesses and regulate my actions by adjusting my behavior and attitudes when confronted with new information. Understanding this increases my positive impact on the overall system. However, it may attract attacks from dysfunctional parts of the system. Though this may be the case, I try to maintain my position in the system and not to react to others with blame.

• Understanding How I Feel

When in a high-pressure situation, there is the temptation to focus on the crisis “around me.” By being aware of how I feel, I can acknowledge my own strengths, weaknesses, and tendencies to allow me to function more effectively within an emotional system. Working “with people” not “against them” will often achieve a solution more quickly.

It is critical to reflect on one’s own motives and behavior when functioning effectively within an emotional system.

• Understanding How I Control My Actions

As a leader, I try to picture the changes I would like to see and choose actions that will be most effective in a given situation or with certain people. Often in high-pressure situations, there is the tendency to react; to fight fires instead of taking time to self-monitor and modify one’s behavior. I try to identify what I’m feeling and consciously choose to step back or to refocus before reacting.

Some leaders will lose control of their emotions, while others are able to identify what they are feeling and consciously choose to step back or to refocus before reacting.

One leader might say, “I pause and monitor my reactions because my reactions can change the dynamics of the team.” The team tends to look to how the leader reacts and this influences how they react. So a leader needs to be careful of his first reaction because this will linger.

• Understanding How I Might Have Contributed to a Problem

When things don’t go well, I try to look first at myself, the leadership I’m providing, and the role I might have played before I consider placing blame on other people. Instead of reacting to any attacks, I try to depersonalize my role and recognize how I might have contributed to negative outcomes.[19]

11. Demonstrating Healthy Leadership

Leadership should tend to generate the type of attitude within the staff where they feel empowered to tackle challenges head-on, because their jobs focus on leveraging their strengths rather than their weaknesses.[20] People are accountable for their performance and should be offered a work climate where diverse perspectives are valued.

12. Letting Others Get the Credit

A wise leader who lives out his or her convictions understands how to encourage others by letting them get the credit for their efforts in the business, organization, or church. None of us accomplishes our goals by ourselves. All of us have had people within our team or church who have played major parts in the success of the organization. Giving others credit, encouraging them, and developing a “reward” system within our organization are all healthy choices. It is a fact that people would rather have honest encouragement from their boss or pastor than a pay raise.

There simply are no successful businesses, churches, or projects without many hands, minds, and hearts involved.

Endnotes

6-1. Wayde Goodall, Why Great Men Fall (Green Forest, AR: New Leaf Press, 2005).

6-2. Robert B. McKenna and Paul R. Yost, “The Differentiated Leader: Specific Strategies for Handling Today’s Adverse Situations,” Organizational Dynamics, vol. 33, no. 3 (2004): p. 295.

6-3. Ken Blanchard and Phil Hodge, Lead like Jesus (Nashville, TN: W Publishing Group, 2005).

6-4. Ibid., p. 94.

6-5. Howard Gardner, “The Ethical Mind,” Harvard Business Review (March 2007): p. 52.

6-6. Ibid., p. 56.

6-7. http://jimgustafson.com/2007/03/just-do-it-right.html.

6-8. In this section, Dr. Robert B. McKenna (chair of the Department of Organizational and Institutional Psychology, Seattle Pacific University) was of great assistance to me as I researched the most effective and balanced thinking on this subject. Several of the points under this section have been developed in McKenna and Yost, “The Differentiated Leader,” p. 292–306, available online at www.sciencedirect.com.

6-9. Pepperdine Grazldlio School, Corporate Board survey of 482 investors conducted by Opinion Research. Margin of error plus or minus 5 percentage points.

6-10. McKenna and Yost, “The Differentiated Leader,” p. 296.

6-11. Ibid., p. 297.

6-12. Ibid., p. 297.

6-13. Ibid., p. 298.

6-14. Ibid., p. 298.

6-15. Ibid., p. 298.

6-16. Ibid., p. 299.

6-17. Ibid., p. 299.

6-18. Ibid., p. 301.

6-19. Ibid., p. 301.

6-20. Ibid., p. 303.

The Work Ethic and Other Truths That Make Your Life Work

Chapter 7

Whatever you do, do well (Eccles. 9:10; NLT).

The medical officer who had just received orders to go to Afghanistan said to me, “I don’t think I’ll come back from this one.” He had already been to Iraq and Afghanistan and now received orders to go into the most dangerous battlefront of all. The fear in his eyes confirmed his fatalistic thinking.

The medical officer’s worried wife stood beside him and his children were innocently playing, thinking, This is just Daddy’s job.

After listening to him for several minutes, I felt his dread, hopelessness, and sense of doom. Emotions are contagious.

I understood a little about this, as I’m a “blue water Vietnam veteran,”[1] because I was in Vietnam three times while serving in the Navy. Anxiety and fear are normal; but paralysis has caused a lot of people to lose before they start.

“Lieutenant,” I said, “look forward to coming home to your family. Plan on it. Do not ever walk into a battle thinking that you’re going to be defeated.”

This happened while my wife and I had been speaking to military families in Asia. This young officer pulled me aside to talk to me about his fear. There are a lot of leaders (like this military officer) who feel their personal battle has been lost before they even enter the war. In explaining to him my opinion, I gave him one of my basic “life” principles.

Don’t start a speech, a business, a church, a program, or go into a battle thinking that it will not work or that you’re going to lose. Our attitude needs to be one that says, “This might be tough, but with God’s help I will find a way to do what I need to do.”

I believe that we should start out with the end in mind. We can walk into the situation, problem, or difficult opportunity with faith — believing that God will give us creative ideas, wisdom, and protection. That He will show us how to do what we need to do. The situation might look difficult, but with God’s wisdom and strength, plus some hard work, it can be done.

I also believe that if we start out thinking that we will lose, we likely will. Permitting that kind of thinking will sap the energy and creative thinking right out of us. Taking responsibility for our attitude (even when going to war) is our job. We can be successful in what we do — and who we are — because we have chosen the right attitude for our situation.

No one can give you a good attitude. Faith needs to be applied. We are not successful because we have authority or are accountable to the board or chain of command. We are leaders because we choose to respond responsibly. Being successful depends on our responsibility, not our authority. We are responsible for our attitude, our behavior, and how we do our work.

Successful people see the need, know what has to get done, and do the job effectively. When the situation should be improved, successful people take responsibility. They cannot afford to hide or avoid the challenge, but choose to respond in an appropriate (necessary) way. Successful people constantly make difficult choices. Though they are fearful, they avoid being paralyzed by fear. They look for a strategy, take different actions, and as a result, change life’s situations. Our attitude is our responsibility.

Successful people have made several decisions

- for themselves and what they are required to do;

- to change, and to implement good change in their world;

- they have developed an action plan to implement personal and organizational change; they have thought their goals through and developed a plan on how to achieve their goals.

In order to be responsible, my wife and I write books on critical topics because we feel that somebody needs to say something. For instance, after noticing that most people, including many Christians, were confused and even worried about the role of Satan and what his power is over individual lives and whether he even exists, we wrote The Battle: Defeating the Enemy of Your Soul.[2] It explains spiritual warfare (and Satan’s evil influence in our world), and encourages people about their power, in Christ, over the enemy. Thankfully, this book has been a best seller because it brings hope and a sense of confidence to the reader.

Successful people have made decisions to get involved and be responsible — often when many others are simply walking away from the challenge.

The Christian has an advantage. We can enter life’s difficulties, battles, and seemingly impossible situations knowing that God will help us. When we take the responsibility of maintaining a good, honest attitude and of developing our faith, then we can know that God will be on our side. Though we have many obstacles and complexities in life, we need to enter thinking that we are going to win. God is aware of our unique issue. He will give us the wisdom to handle whatever we’re up against. This is why it’s important to understand that in order to win in life, we need to be dependent on Him and do what He tells us to do. Self-pride will get us nowhere. But we can understand that, “Though the Lord is great, he cares for the humble, but he keeps his distance from the proud” (Ps. 138:6; NLT). We need God’s strength and help in all we do. There is no such thing as a “self-made” man or woman — only people who have developed in their God-given gifts.

There are a lot of successful people who have risen to the top of their occupations and have forgotten what (or who) got them there. Our talents, brains, uniqueness, and opportunities come from God. If we handle life with trust and faithfulness, we will grow and know what to do to be successful.

Even negative experiences (or requirements) will be used of God to get us ahead.

We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them (Rom. 8:28; NLT).

Most of us have gone through experiences where the situation, job, or people’s response didn’t work out the way we thought it would (in a negative sense). Or we have made mistakes where we wondered if we would always limp because of what happened in our past. One of the most amazing truths in the Bible is the fact that when we love God, He will work out everything for our good. And many times in life I believe that God permits experiences to come to us where we are humbled and simply have to depend on Him.

The Bible tells a story of a great military leader named Naaman. He knew how to win battles. His achievements in war had given him a lot of pride.

Naaman also had leprosy. A terrible illness prevented him from being close to people and eventually would deform his limbs in such a way where he could not even go into battle.

Naaman, captain of the army of the king of Aram, was a great man with his master, and highly respected, because by him the Lord had given victory to Aram. The man was also a valiant warrior, but he was a leper (2 Kings 5:1; NASB).

Someone had told him that there was a godly man who could heal him. He asked that the man of God visit him. When Naaman met him, he offered to pay the man of God to take his leprosy away.

Naaman thought that he could use his hard-earned money to buy something supernatural — something that only God could give. Like everything else in Naaman’s life, he thought that he could pay for his healing from his own ability. This leader didn’t understand that God wanted his trust, not his money or his “self-made” attitude.

Elisha gave him unique instructions to receive the healing that he desired:

Go and wash in the Jordan seven times, and your flesh will be restored to you and you will be clean (2 Kings 5:10; NASB).

That’s it?

This prescription made Naaman very angry. He thought, I’ll look foolish …and what if it doesn’t work? This was one of those experiences where he wasn’t in control and it was embarrassing to him.

It was harder for him to go dip himself in the Jordan River than to spend a lot of his hard-earned money or even win a war. He didn’t want to do it. In other words, pride was preventing his healing.

The people who worked for him “came near and spoke to him and said '…had the prophet told you to do some great thing, would you not have done it? How much more then, when he says to you, “Wash, and be clean”?’ ” (2 Kings 5:13; NASB).

Naaman was finally convinced to do this unique (humbling) thing, and when he did it, God healed him of his leprosy.

What’s the point of the story? God knows that pride will get us into trouble. But trusting Him with His unique plan, creative ideas, and design for our success is the way to go. The Bible tells us that God hates pride. Why? Because pride makes us think that we are “self-made” people, that we really don’t need God or His gifts. And with that attitude, our lives will ultimately fail.

On the other hand, humble people naturally do what needs to be done. They pick up the pennies, show up early, and stay late.

A successful leader must not forget his or her humble beginnings. The lessons they learned got them where they are today. It’s all part of the fabric of who they are. People, pain, trials, victories, and failures all fit into who we are.

Rabbi Uri of Strelisk said, “If you stand in front of a tree and watch it incessantly to see how it grows and to see how much it has grown, you will see nothing at all. But tend to it at all times, prune the runners, and keep the vermin from it, and — all in good time — it will come into its growth. It is the same with man: all that is necessary is for him to overcome his obstacles, and he will thrive and grow. But it is not right to examine him every hour to see how much has been added to his growth.”[3]

According to Jim Collins, in his book Good to Great, a leader with a humble heart looks out the window to find and applaud the true causes of success and in the mirror to find and accept responsibility for failure.[4]

Jesus and Success

Jesus taught us a lot about being successful in what we do. His disciples would periodically argue about who was the most successful among them, who was the most talented, and who should be the leader.

He began to question them, “What were you discussing on the way?” But they kept silent, for on the way they had discussed with one another which of them was the greatest. Sitting down, He called the twelve and said to them, “If anyone wants to be first, he shall be last of all and servant of all” (Mark 9:33–35; NASB).

Jesus didn’t try to convince them that they shouldn’t be leaders (or successful); He reminded them that “even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve” (Mark 10:45; NASB). Ken Blanchard points out that, “A heart motivated by self-interest looks at the world as a 'give a little, take a lot’ proposition. People with hearts motivated by self-interest put their own agenda, safety, status, and gratification ahead of those affected by their thoughts and actions.”[5]

Truths That Make Our Lives Work

What can we learn, what do we do, and how can we ensure that pride doesn’t get in our way? How can we be consistently satisfied that we are living our lives and doing our work in a way that God would consider successful?

There are three important questions:

1. Are we leading like Jesus — or leading with our EGO?

Ken Blanchard defines EGO as “edging God out.” Or, if we choose to be “servant leaders,” we are “exalting God only.”[6] When “edging God out” ego is in play, we are distorted and have an overblown view of our ability or desire to control events. Ken Blanchard explains, “When you think and act as if everything depends on you, you’re setting yourself, and those who follow you, up for failure in the long run. The truth is that each of us works within our limitations as fallible human beings. Factors beyond our control and even our awareness determine success and failure. This does not diminish the importance and value of your efforts, but it puts them in a perspective that will allow grace and humility to flow in your relationships and leadership.”[7]

Blanchard explains that when we choose to lead like Jesus, we align our four leadership domains: heart, head, hands, and habits. He explains:

Heart: Leadership is first a spiritual matter of the heart. Whenever you have an opportunity or responsibility to influence the thinking and the behavior of others, the first choice you are called to make is whether to be motivated by self-interest or by the benefit of those you are leading. The heart of the question that Jesus asks is, “Are you a servant leader or a self-serving leader?”

Head: The head examines your beliefs and theories about leading and motivating people. All great leaders have a specific leadership point of view that defines how they see their role and their relationships to those whom they seek to influence. Throughout His season of earthly leadership, Jesus continued to teach and emphasize His point of view, which was servant leadership.

Hands: Others will experience and observe what is in your heart and head when your motivations and beliefs about leadership affect your actions (hands).

Habits: Your habits are how you renew your daily commitment as a leader to serve rather than to be served.[8]

2. Are we listening — and if so, who are we listening to?

The necessity of getting alone — solitude — to listen, think, process, and dream is a critical component to our success as people. Making a priority of finding solitude and listening to God is critical to our lives. As we examine the life of Jesus, we can see how He made this a priority in all areas of His life. How did He maintain His equilibrium? How did He stay on track in spite of the pressures, and consistently make the right decisions?

• Before He started His ministry (work) He spent 40 days alone (see Matt. 4:1–11).

It is important that we get alone with God and our thoughts before we make major life decisions.

• Before He chose the people who would help Him in His work, He found a place where no one would interrupt Him all night (see Luke 6:12–13).

As we choose people to work on our team or choose a team that we become part of, we need to get away from other people’s opinions and get with God, who knows everyone’s motives and faults.

• When His cousin (John the Baptist) died, Jesus got alone (see Matt. 14:13).

All of us go through loss, grief, and disappointment. When this happens, we can receive grace, peace, and understanding when we “get alone” with God, who puts all things into perspective.

• When He performed the miracle of feeding five thousand with a few loaves of bread and two fish, He left the crowd and got alone (see Matt. 14:23).

There are lots of successes, wins, and times where it looks like the crowd is on our side. During these times, it is especially important to get alone, rest, think, and to let God help us understand that “it’s all Him” in our wins in life.

• The habit of solitude, meditation, and prayer was one of the highest priorities of Jesus every day. “In the early morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house, and went away to a secluded place, and was praying” (Mark 1:35; NASB).

Why was this discipline important?

Because His Father knew what would happen each day and who and what Jesus would encounter. He gave Jesus wisdom for each day. Also, throughout His day Jesus would find ways to get alone and pray: “Jesus Himself would often slip away to the wilderness and pray” (Luke 5:16; NASB).

Solitude, listening to our God, and receiving the wisdom and strength we need to do all that will be required of us is a “life truth” that will help us succeed in all we do.

3. Are we doing our work like Jesus would?

Marriage, raising a family, working in our occupations, pastoring a church…. Life itself is hard work.

Success doesn’t come to any of our relationships or to our careers without the discipline of work. While we must discipline ourselves to find the balance of rest, right priorities, and solitude, we also need to know that there “are no free lunches in life.” Work is a good thing, and the ability to work hard is a gift from God.

When my wife and I were attending college in Southern California we desperately needed to find jobs. I had looked for days, going from business to business applying for anything that was available. I felt somewhat desperate, a little frightened, and even embarrassed because I couldn’t seem to find employment. I had just been honorably discharged from the navy and had been a Christian for about 18 months.

A new department store had just opened that was a subsidiary of J.C. Penney’s. I quickly applied and they hired me for 20 hours a week — plus commission. They placed me in the media department selling televisions, stereos, and entertainment equipment. Though I worked in a clothing store when I was in high school, I wasn’t that optimistic about selling TVs and stereos part-time. I needed “full-time” pay and was concerned that I would not make enough on commission. Somewhat desperate and motivated about paying the bills for school and life, I decided that I would give it my best shot.

I began thinking, How would Jesus sell TVs and stereos? How would He treat people? How would He determine the best product and the best deal?

I looked at the Gospels and studied how Jesus treated people, and then (by faith) started treating my customers in these same ways.

Because I felt that Jesus would give people the best price on what they were purchasing, I shopped for the best prices on the equipment we sold. When a customer wanted an item, I would try to match the price of the lowest competitor, or if I couldn’t, I would encourage them to go to the other store and purchase it there.

Jesus always lived a life of integrity. So if we had equipment that was frequently returned because of a defective manufacturing issue, I informed the customer that this was a problem with that particular item.

Also I knew that Jesus treated the people with whom He worked with fairness and respect. In understanding this truth, I respected the other salesmen who were also on commission and I frequently asked customers to work with them (when they knew more about a particular television or stereo), or if I was with another customer. For our lady salespeople, I would offer to carry the equipment out to the customers’ cars when it was their sale — knowing that they would continue selling while I was with their customer.

One day a man was in our department looking at televisions. He was unusually friendly and transparent. He explained that he was on welfare and had several children. He pulled a check out of his wallet for just over three hundred dollars. He explained that he was on the way to the grocery and clothing departments to purchase things that the family desperately needed.

I thought that was great and felt some gratitude that he could do this.

As he was walking out of my department, he noticed a television that was on sale for three hundred dollars. He began looking at it and walked over to me and said, “I’d like to purchase that television.”

My heart sank. I looked at him and thought for a moment, How would Jesus handle this deal?

I had no question in my mind.

I said, “Sir, I can’t sell you that television. And I’d advise you to go to the food and clothing departments and purchase what your family really needs.”

He became upset, but listened to me. His impulse to purchase a television was halted by my response to him.

People began telling their friends about “this salesman” who always found the best prices on television sets and gave them the best deals, and would warn them if an item was defective. Referrals soon began to come to our store and ask for me, or ask when I would be on shift. As a result of asking myself the question of “how would Jesus do this job,” I made the “top ten” salespeople list for the J.C. Penney company three different times during those three years in that job — and averaged only 20 hours a week.

On another occasion, when my wife and I were attending another college, again we needed work. A contract cleaning business came to our college and was interviewing for janitors for the evening shift. The employees would be cleaning the emergency rooms, “cast rooms” (where they put casts on patients’ arms, legs, etc.), restrooms, hallways, and offices. This was not the kind of work we wanted, but it would pay our bills while in college. We applied and my wife and I were both hired.

I struggled with the kind of work that I would do and I didn’t want my wife to work this hard until midnight and beyond. But I said to myself, Humble yourself, Wayde. Trust God and work hard. Look for ways to make your employer happy and to help him reach his goals (without compromise). Don’t be afraid of getting dirty and doing the stuff that others won’t do. God will help you be successful.

When I was in the military, I really. learned how to clean. Over and over again we would clean our ship and our living compartments, and double check everything. My supervisor would even take a mirror behind toilet bowls to ensure that we didn’t miss anything when cleaning the restrooms. One thing I knew that I knew: I could clean, and I could run cleaning equipment. Also, I understood how to work.

I said to my wife, “Roz, I’m going to run this crew within two weeks. I can clean better, work harder, and will satisfy the customer better than the others.” I even said to her, “Within a few months they will ask me to run the company.” We showed up early, ensured that everything was immaculate, did more than we were asked to do; and within a few weeks the employer noticed and called me aside and asked me to run the evening crew.

Our crew became the most effective crew he had in his company; and in a few months the employer asked me to run the company. His offer was very generous. He even offered to purchase a new Corvette for me, as both the owners drove Corvettes!

I thanked him for his offer, but knew that God had other plans for my career. I needed to finish college and graduate schools and only needed this job for a time while we were preparing ourselves for our life’s work.

I understood that “Lazy people are soon poor; hard workers get rich. A wise youth harvests in the summer, but one who sleeps during harvest is a disgrace” (Prov. 10:4–5; NLT).

The basic rules of being a successful employee or employer are not difficult to understand. Many business owners have frequently talked to me about how hard it is to find people who will work hard and be responsible. As believers, we should have the best work ethic and be the most responsible people for our employers or employees. It doesn’t take much to be the person your team members view as being successful:

- Be on time.

- Work your plan.

- Keep your obligations and promises.

- Return phone calls and e-mails ASAP.

- Communicate to everyone involved.

- Take your responsibility seriously.

- Be easy to work with (smile, be friendly).

Hard work is a good thing, and our harvest (for all of us) is the job opportunity we have. While we have that job, we need to work hard and do all we can to be responsible for what God has given us.

Success is relative. It is something that you define for yourself while you understand eternal principles that only God can give.

Are we leading like Jesus would lead? Jesus came to serve, be an example, and empower His followers to do their jobs well — and as a result, be successful.

Are we listening, and if so, who are we listening to? It is critical that we find unique ways to get alone to think, process, meditate, and listen to God. He knows all the obstacles, people, and challenges that we will face each day. He will give us wisdom, if we listen.

Are we working like Jesus would work? Are we doing our jobs, ministry, or our responsibilities of being a husband or wife, father or mother with our best effort? Going for excellence in all that we do is part of success. Being successful is not only about our occupations — it’s about life, our families, and our normal relationships with others.

Endnotes

7-1. Those who served in the navy during the Vietnam war whose ships were within Vietnam waters.

7-2. Wayde I. Goodall with Rosalyn Goodall, The Battle: Defeating the Enemy of Your Soul (Lake Mary, FL: Creation House, 2005).

7-3. Maurice S. Friedman, A Heart of Wisdom (Albany, NY: State University of New York Press, 1992), p. 67.

7-4. Jim Collins, Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap …and Others Don’t (New York: HarperCollins, 2001).

7-5. Ken Blanchard and Phil Hodge, Lead like Jesus (Nashville, TN: W Publishing Group, 2005).

7-6. Ibid., p. 40.

7-7. Ibid., p. 62–63.

7-8. Ibid.

Hurt People…HURT people

Chapter 8

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved.[1]

— Helen Keller

There are a lot of mad people out there. I’ve met angry executives, politicians, pastors, and other people who once had a terrific dream but were undermined by a cruel person who literally stole their dream. Or perhaps they let the other person take their dream. Anger typically comes from hurt, fear, or disappointment. The pain of hurt and disappointment can make a person feel like “paying back,” getting even, or developing an attitude of “I’ll never trust again …I’m going to be tough from here on out.”

There’s no question that adversity can make us bitter. Getting hit will naturally make us feel like swinging back. When being lied about we want to defend ourselves, and at times we feel like taking serious revenge. Being let down by someone we have deeply trusted can cause us to say, “I’ll never trust again” (at least not that person who so deeply disappointed us).

People who know me often ask whether I would advise them to work for a certain individual. My typical response is, “Have you prayed about it? Have you done your research on how he or she treats employees? Will he or she be interested in your growth, well-being, and character development? Is he or she emotionally wounded and not healing?” Our wounds can remain open. Our pain can remain painful. Our emotional rejections can encourage us to lead in tough, untrusting, defensive, and toxic ways.

Toxic leaders breed sickness, dysfunction, and infection. How do we know if we are toxic, and what can we do about it? In her book, The Allure of Toxic Leaders, Jean Blumen points out that “Toxic leaders do indeed have poisonous effects that cause serious harm to their organizations and their followers, but the multiple toxins they can dispense create varying degrees of impairment. And, of course, let’s not forget that beyond individual toxic leaders, organizations and quasi-organizations can yield their own toxins. They do so though detrimental policies and practices — including setting unreasonable performance goals, promoting excessive internal competition, and creating a culture of blame — that transcend any individual toxic leader.”[2]

Many of us have experienced toxicity in a boss, a coach, an instructor, or a so-called “spiritual” leader. We walk away from them feeling unhealthy rather than healthy. We feel fear versus peace and comfort, and we develop a sense of uneasiness around these people, rather than being able to relax. We measure all our words, ideas, and plans around the questions of “Will they approve? Is this something they would enjoy hearing, or something they would want?” instead of feeling free to give our honest opinions. In other words, these kinds of leaders intimidate us, and we feel excessively conscious of how they are feeling.

The “poisonous effect” and destructive behaviors of toxic leaders range from deliberate, conscious engagement in despicable acts to unintentional, unconscious toxic behavior, such as failing to recognize their own or other’s seriously harmful incompetence.[3] Jean Blumen feels that there are several destructive behaviors that are common to toxic leaders:

- Leaving their followers worse off than they found them; sometimes eliminating — by deliberately undermining, demeaning, seducing, marginalizing, intimidating, demoralizing, disenfranchising, incapacitating, imprisoning, torturing, terrorizing, or killing — many of their own people, including members of their entourage, as well as their official opponents.

- Violating the basic standards of human rights of their own supporters, as well as those of other individuals and groups they do not count among their followers.

- Consciously feeding their followers illusions that enhance the leader’s power and impair the followers’ capacity to act independently (e.g., persuading followers that they are the only one who can save them or the organization [or the church]).

- Playing to the basest fears and needs of the followers.

- Stifling constructive criticism and teaching supporters (sometimes by threats and authoritarianism) to comply with, rather than to question, the leader’s judgment and actions.

- Misleading followers through deliberate untruths and misdiagnoses of issues and problems.

- Subverting those structures and processes of the system intended to generate truth, justice, and excellence, and engaging in unethical, illegal, and criminal acts.

- Building totalitarian or narrowly dynastic regimes, including subverting the legal processes for selecting and supporting new leaders.

- Failing to nurture other leaders, including their own successors (with the occasional exception of blood kin), or otherwise improperly clinging to power.

- Maliciously setting constituents against one another.

- Treating their own followers well, but persuading them to hate and/or destroy others.

- Identifying scapegoats and inciting others to castigate them.

- Structuring the cost of overthrowing them as a trigger for the downfall of the system they lead, thus further endangering followers and non-followers alike.

- Ignoring or promoting incompetence, cronyism, and corruption.[4]

Toxic leaders set out to dominate, even eliminate, their own followers, as well as people and groups beyond their own constituencies. At times, the toxicity may not be deliberate, but a person’s incompetence becomes the poison. Even with perhaps unintended harm, those who are followers sense the realness of sickness and danger. They might be in danger of losing their jobs, homes, life savings, and sometimes their lives. They are often in the win/lose dilemma where the “leader” will win — regardless — but the follower knows that he or she will eventually lose. I have heard toxic leaders call the mistreatment of people “part of doing good business.”

There are many reasons why people develop into toxic leaders. Over years, some have developed a cynical attitude, become greedy and selfish, or perhaps they’re stupid. They don’t see themselves as others do. Narcissism, paranoia, grandiosity, and megalomania drive some toxic leaders. Other extreme cases come from malevolence and evil intent. Many toxic leaders are fearful people and cowards.

I knew of a pastor who pretended to love his people. As a brilliant and gifted man, each Sunday he spoke to them with incredible eloquence. All the while, he was having an affair with his secretary and another person in his church. In addition, he had an occasional sexual encounter with other people in the community, as two others became part of his “harem” of lady friends. He rationalized that he deserved to do this, felt little (if any) remorse, brought great harm to his congregation, and literally ruined his family.

As he talked to me, I wondered why he had developed such an out-of-control private life. I asked him to think back to how it all began. He explained that his father was a religious leader who did basically the same things. As a result, this man was not repentant. When I reminded him that his father was wrong and that he needed to change his behavior, he angrily accused me of not wanting to help him get back into the ministry.

I commented by saying, “I’m not interested in what you do — I’m interested in your character.” I went on to say, “God isn’t interested in you becoming a minister. He is interested in you becoming a man of integrity, a good husband, and a good father.” I added, “Then God might ask you to serve in some ministry.”

This pastor became toxic to his followers. He rationalized his sinful and narcissistic behavior because his father had hurt him by his example of infidelity. I can imagine the moment when he was a young man and discovered that his “spiritual”-appearing father was a habitual adulterer who didn’t feel bad about it.

Someone said, “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” So true.

King Ahab became a toxic leader because he was afraid of his wicked wife, Jezebel. She was one of the most wicked people in the Bible. Ahab treated those around him with cruelty and he was unmerciful to his subjects. His wife threatened him, warned him, and intimidated him with her forceful personality. He decided to be a cowardly king. He didn’t stand up to Jezebel or disagree with her bad ideas or cruel decisions. He became a wimpy puppet who lost all sense of self-respect.

The following are some of the dysfunctional personal characteristics of toxic leaders:

- Lack of integrity that marks the leader as cynical, corrupt, hypocritical and/or untrustworthy.

- Insatiable ambition that prompts leaders to put their own sustained power, glory, and fortunes above their followers’ well-being.

- Enormous egos that blind leaders to the shortcomings of their own character and thus limit their capacity for self-renewal.

- Arrogance that prevents them from acknowledging their mistakes and instead leads to blaming others.

- Amorality that makes it nigh impossible for them to discern right from wrong.

- Avarice that drives leaders to put money and what money can buy at the top of the list.

- Reckless disregard for the costs of their actions to others as well as to themselves.

- Cowardice that leads them to shrink from difficult choices.

- Failure both to understand the nature of relevant problems and to act competently and effectively in leadership situations.[5]

People can become toxic because they have been severely hurt by life or by someone they depended on. I’ve watched people be messed up by pain, rejection, slander, and unjust criticism.

At times, I’ve observed people become calmer, wiser, and more discerning in the middle of their storms. Often I’ve watched people become passive-aggressive, angry, and tough to live with.

Something inside of us can break. In those rare moments, we can give up and become hard.

Or, we can give up, let go, and trust God.

During the orientation for my employment with the J.C. Penney company, I was impressed by a presentation to be people of integrity and to follow the Golden Rule. In the training, we were encouraged to treat people like we would want to be treated. I discovered that J.C. Penney was a successful Christian. He also had gone through a lot of pain in his life.

In 1898, he established the Golden Rule store, with low prices. He was a “bundle of energy” and “like a person in perpetual motion.” He hired men like himself with the highest business and moral standards.

But in 1910 his wife died, and he felt deserted by God. In 1919, he married again and enjoyed prosperity. But in 1923, his second wife also died. He took refuge in his work.

A third time he married. By 1929, he was worth $40 million, but the great “crash” came, and he lost his money as well as his excellent reputation.

J.C. Penney ended up in a sanatorium in Battle Creek, broken emotionally and physically. When he was near death, not expected to live past morning, in his room he heard a familiar hymn from the chapel. In his dying state, he asked God to help him, and, in a remarkable transformation, he felt his burden lifted. He was dramatically metamorphosed and soon walked out of the institution on his own steam. He became a man with deep belief in God.

By the late 1930s, he was again prosperous, representing the J.C. Penney Company around the nation. He gave away millions, and for decades vigorously communicated his values and faith. At ninety, he was still going strong.[6]

Healthy leaders build health in an organization, are mentors to people living a balanced life, and encourage creativity, new ideas, growth, and life.

Toxic leaders breed mistrust, fear, and intimidation, and they take energy and creativity from the organization. They are often disliked — very much.

Do we want people to trust us?

Success is built around being trustworthy people that family, friends, our peers, employees, or employers can count on.

Dennis and Michelle Reina are the founders of Reina Trust Building Institute. In their article, “Building Sustainable Trust,” they highlight behaviors of people we trust — and behaviors of people we don’t trust.

We are inclined to trust people who

- are self-aware,

- take responsibility for their role in the relationship,

- demonstrate that they consider the best interests of others rather than just themselves,

- do what they say they will do,

- practice the values they tell us are important to them,

- are willing to recognize and consider both sides of the story,

- listen and respond to our needs and interests,

- are willing to think about what they have to give as well as what they hope to receive.

We are NOT inclined to trust people who

- are selfish and self-absorbed,

- don’t demonstrate an interest in the needs of others,

- are not willing to accept responsibility for their actions,

- gossip/talk about others behind their back,

- blame others without looking at their own role in the situation,

- make snap judgments and draw conclusions before hearing all the information,

- constantly change the rules,

- are inconsistent in their behavior so we don’t know what to expect,

- distort the truth by omitting information for their own purposes.

Trust is critical. We must get rid of any toxic behavior. We simply cannot survive, let alone be successful, if we are okay with not being trusted by those who know us best.

We are all managers of our temperaments, behaviors, and attitudes. No one can police us all of the time. No one can control how we think — other than the person we look at in the mirror.

The greatest way to get toxicity out of our system, to heal from hurt, and to get over people who disappoint us is to understand God’s formula for life.

God’s Love Order

You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matt. 22:37–39; NLT).

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind. Love your neighbor as you love yourself? People often completely understand the first part about loving God; but loving other people like we love ourselves? Many of us would say, “I don’t even like a lot of people, and sometimes I don’t even like me.”

The loving of self is often a challenge. Why? We know who we are. We know our struggles, failures, faults, and the things we are not happy with. But the Bible didn’t make a mistake in giving us this priority.

Love God. Love yourself: you are a child of God. Love people: everyone is created in the image of God.

Loving God is something that involves trust, as well as acceptance of His forgiveness, atonement (a fancy word for “He paid for all our sins”), and His constant love and compassion for us.

God’s love for you is much like your love for your child. Only God not only knows our behavior, He knows our thoughts and motivations. His understanding of us is complete. He knows who we are, yet loves us, because as believers in Christ, we are His children. If you are a parent, your eye is on your children. You want them to have a great day, to be happy, to make it through any challenges that come their way, and to find contentment in their lives and their relationships with God.

God always has His eye on us. One of the definitions of God is “God is love” (1 John 4:16). Loving ourselves is often the challenge.

The first person that you must love is YOU. Then you will be a more compassionate, understanding, and loving person toward others. Some think this is prideful — the absence of humility. It isn’t, if we love God first, recognize that we have been gifted by Him, and continually remind ourselves that we are His creation. All that we are, what we do, and what we have is because of Him. We must take care of ourselves, realizing that we are God’s children. The Bible tells us that “No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it” (Eph. 5:29; NLT).

How do you care for yourself? If you are to be emotionally stable, mentally sound, and have a basic understanding of how to take care of you, how is that defined? You can measure your love toward other people by how much you love YOU. Your image of yourself matters. The viewpoint that we have of ourselves will eventually come out in the way we treat others.

Author and motivational speaker Paul J. Meyer believes that a negative self-image will greatly injure our lives. In his book, Unlocking Your Legacy, he says, regardless of your background, what you are willing to become is the only reality that counts. And what you are willing to become depends greatly upon what you believe and what you are willing to do about your self-image.[7] Paul lists barriers that will sabotage a person’s self-image:

- “I’m comfortable.” — Staying in the comfort zone and living at the present level of success is easier and less stressful than exerting effort to make needed changes.

- “I’m afraid of failure.” — Fear of making a mistake or risking possible failure discourages trying anything new or different.

- “Disapproval hurts.” — The desire to avoid disapproval, either from themselves or from others, limits many to behavior that is calculated to please.

- “I don’t want to rock the boat.” — Anxiety about changing the status quo convinces some that change is negative and not worth the risk.

- “I don’t have what it takes.” — A poverty mentality, coupled with a false sense of inferiority, causes some people to believe they do not deserve the rewards of using their full potential.

- “Success might not be good for me.” — An illogical fear of success prevents many from breaking the success barrier. They feel unworthy or they fear they will not know how to handle success, so they subconsciously avoid it.

- “God doesn’t want me to succeed.” — This unfounded belief of God sends many great dreams into a tailspin. Scripture says, “I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers” (3 John 1:2; NKJV).[8]

Paul J. Meyer feels that success will mean something different to everyone, because we all view life through our own uniquely tinted pair of glasses. He feels that the success you seek can become reality when you exchange limiting beliefs for a more positive self-image.

You must love people. Try to view people with understanding, remembering that God has expectations for us. There is nothing wrong with having reasonable expectations for those we are given to manage, lead, or parent, but we genuinely love them and care about their future.

Many are uncomfortable holding people accountable, but God holds us accountable; in fact, He disciplines those He loves. I like to remind myself of these disciplines:

- Inspect what you expect.

- Responsibility without accountability is not responsibility.

- Trust is earned.

- True respect doesn’t come because of a title, but is acquired — one decision at a time.

Loving people involves looking past a person’s faults and imperfections — even their indecencies, behavioral patterns, and habits that might disgust you. Look deeper and find the core person that you can love.

Some people are easier to love than others. Some behaviors are easier to forgive than others, and some issues are charged with negative emotional energy. But we can find a way to love the person.

I’ve had the opportunity to know a few people who have worked very closely with Billy Graham. When I was a pastor, his son Ned was a pastor about a mile from our church. Ned and I would sometimes get together over lunch or a Starbucks and talk about various topics — including his dad. What a topic! In our generation, Billy Graham has continually tried to demonstrate his integrity and his love for people.

Two years after the tragic destruction of the World Trade Center, Dr. Graham was holding an event at a Texas stadium. The horrendous strike on our country had made some Americans feel that all Muslims were suspect.

The Dallas Morning News interviewed Billy Graham and asked him the question, “Dr. Graham, do you have a message for the Muslims of Texas?” He answered, “God loves them, and I love them.”[9]

There are issues like the “gay agenda” or other behaviors that might disgust us. We can have our opinions and still focus on the truth that these are individual people with complicated lives who need to experience the love of God.

On 20/20, Hugh Downs asked Billy Graham, “If you had a homosexual child, would you love him?” He gently answered, “Why, I would love that one even more.”[10]

A person’s religion, sexual orientation, and behavior could be a real challenge to some of us; but remember where we came from. I know that personally, because I was a mess the day I decided to trust Christ. Over the years, God has gently reminded me how to fine-tune my life to be more like Jesus. Many negative behaviors left me immediately, but some attitudes have taken years of God patiently molding me. And He will continue to work on me throughout my life because I’m a child of God.

I believe that everyone — no matter what religion, lifestyle, or sick behavior — wants to experience God. Why? Because everyone has been created in the image of God, and we are seeking ways to get to know our Creator.

We might not have any ongoing relationship where we consistently choose to love other than our marriage and family. Every family experiences pain, misunderstanding, and disappointments. But we choose to love. As Gary Smalley has often said, “Love is a decision.”[11] In fact, that is even the title of one of his books.

Concerning his long marriage to Ruth, Billy Graham was asked about “the secret of love.” His response? “Ruth and I are happily incompatible.”[12] Most of us know that we are sometimes incompatible with those we love.

At times, we all love our children, those who work for us, or our disrespectful neighbors with “tough love.” Even though we need to discipline our children or hold people accountable, we must do it in love.

C.S. Lewis said, “Love is something more stern and splendid than mere kindness.”[13]

Jim Bakker behaved wrongly (adultery, hush money, a real estate situation that ended badly, etc.) and, as a result, lost most of what he had acquired in life. Jim says that many do not know that, when he was in prison, Ruth Graham “took all of Billy’s Bibles in his library that he wasn’t using and gave them to me to give to my inmates.” When Bakker got out of prison, the Grahams paid for a house for him to live in and provided him with a car.[14]

Did the Grahams feel that Jim Bakker did many wrong things? I’m certain they did, but they remind us that we choose to love people through their pain, misbehavior, disappointing treatment of us …and their sin.

Love covers over a multitude of sins (1 Pet. 4:8).

Endnotes

8-1. http://quotationspage.com/quote/30186.html.

8-2. Jean Lipman-Blumen, The Allure of Toxic Leaders (New York: Oxford University Press, 2005), p. 17.

8-3. Ibid., p. 19.

8-4. Ibid., p. 19–20.

8-5. Ibid., p. 20.

8-6. Harold Myra and Marshall Shelley, The Leadership Secrets of Billy Graham (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2005), p. 186–187.

8-7. Paul J. Meyer, Unlocking Your Legacy (Chicago, IL: Moody Press, 2002), p. 90.

8-8. Ibid., p. 90–91.

8-9. Myra and Shelley, Leadership Secrets of Billy Graham, p. 316.

8-10. Ibid., p. 317.

8-11. www.smalleyonline.com/articles/m_lovedecision.html.

8-12. Myra and Shelley, Leadership Secrets of Billy Graham.

8-13. Ibid., p. 322.

8-14. Ibid., p. 323.

The Gift of Adversity - The Sandpaper of Life

Chapter 9

There are the times in which a genius would wish to live. It is not in the still calm of life, or in the repose of a pacific station, that great challenges are formed …great necessities call out great virtues.[1]

Harry Truman discovered that he was a successful leader on the battlefields of France. He was in the Vosges Mountains when his position was shelled by the Germans. As the head of an artillery battery, his men panicked, and Truman’s horse panicked as well, falling on him and almost killing him.

Historian David McCullough wrote in his biography of Truman that the future president crawled out from under his horse and overcame his own fear, screaming at his men until most of them returned to their posts. Truman’s men never forgot that his courage under fire had saved their lives, and Truman discovered that he had a taste and a gift for leadership.[2]

In researching for their book Geeks & Geezers,[3] Warren G. Bennis and Robert J. Thomas interviewed 50 leaders — some 75 or older, the rest 35 and younger. In every case, they found that their leadership had emerged after some defining experience, or crucible. These were often ordeals, and among the older leaders, they often occurred in wartime.

The crucibles of our leaders included such personal tragedies as television journalist Mike Wallace’s discovery of the body of his son after an accident in Greece, and global business pioneer Sidney Rittenberg’s harrowing 16 years in Chinese prisons, much of it in solitary confinement, often in the dark. It was discovered that “again and again …something magical happens in the crucible — alchemy whereby fear and suffering are transformed into something glorious and redemptive.

“This process reveals, and possibly creates, leadership — the ability to inspire and move others to action. We found intelligence, optimism, and other traits traditionally associated with leadership present in all our subjects. But those traits are no guarantee that the alchemy of leadership will take place — countless gifted people are broken by suffering. But our leaders discovered themselves in their crucibles, for reasons we still do not fully understand. However searing the experience, our leaders were able to make sense of it or organize meaning around it — meaning that subsequently attracted followers. Instead of being defeated by their ordeals, each of our leaders saw it as a heroic journey. Whatever their age, these men and women created their own legends. Without being untruthful, they constructed new, improved versions of themselves. In many cases — such as Truman’s — the ordeal and the leader’s interpretation of it led others to follow the newly revealed leader.”[4]

Successful people have a history of mistakes and they harvest their failures.[5]

Nobel Peace Prize-winning archbishop Desmond Tutu laughed as he said, “It’s natural to feel terrible when things turn out badly …but don’t let that stop you. Emotions are a storm that sweeps through your life…. This defeat you’ve had matters less than what you ultimately want to create.”[6]

Trials, adversity, hardship, and pressures are part of the sandpaper that can make us better at what we do, and even help us discover gifts that we did not know we had. Life can be cruel, trusted relationships can disappoint, and the people you might have thought would always be there often aren’t. When we are down, it’s often difficult to find someone who will help us get back up; when we are up, there are lots of people around.

There is no question — most successful people have found a way to stay focused on their dream, learn from their hard times, and find resilience. And they understand that they often need to go it alone with much of what they do.

While doing the research for Success Built to Last, the authors discovered many common characteristics among people that we would call “successful.”

“In hundreds of interviews, we never met a soul who didn’t have embarrassments or failures in their portfolio of experience. Extraordinary individuals take one step back and two steps forward with most every challenge — and sometimes two steps back to one step forward. They harvest useful lessons and knowledge from what doesn’t work, and they display a remarkable resiliency; an ability to bounce back from adversity.”[7] Adversity, trials, challenges, pressures, and our failures are what I call the “sandpaper of life.”

When facing an extremely tough challenge, or when we stumble as we walk through life, we have a choice. We can decide to learn and take advantage of our difficult times, bad experiences, and wrong decisions, or we can let those times and memories stop us in our tracks.

Fire tests the purity of silver and gold, but the Lord tests the heart (Prov. 17:3; NLT).

In the middle of our personal battles, we often need to look inside for strength and to seek a supernatural strength that only God can provide. When we are in a crisis, never-ending conflict, or prolonged stress, we need to be cautious because challenges can cause us to make impulsive mistakes. Taking time to think, pray, and process during storms is how we find the wisdom to understand what is happening and the knowledge of what we should do.

Enduringly successful people aren’t immune. They just tolerate the risks, feel the fear, take the brickbats, learn from failure, and do what matters to them anyway.[8]

“Many successful people aren’t eternal optimists; they experience emotional highs and lows like all of us, and often fight discouragement. Every day isn’t a honeymoon but an opportunity 'to respond and to move ahead, often despite how they might feel in the moment, whether the setback was their own foolish fault or just an unlucky break’ …they did not blame others for their circumstances, but instead focused their attention on actions within their control that they could take to solve or manage the problem.”[9]

Adversity: A wonderful friend …or terrible foe.

Why do some people go through tremendous setbacks in life but still make the decision to get back up and fight? One obvious answer is that they decide that they will not quit, they will learn from each experience, and next time (perhaps) do it differently.

Be greedy about wringing out every drop of useful content so you can do better next time.[10]

In the 21st century, we expect heroes to be perfect. I think the media has largely given us the perception that when you’re on top of your game, somehow mistakes aren’t made. Life becomes easier. Those who have been there know differently.

Being “on top of your game” is often lonely. Quick decisions have to be made, the pressure to perform is always there, and in the midst of all this, errors in judgment are common.

Many are shocked when they find out that the “successful” have flaws. They do? We all have feet of clay. People let us down, pastors and leaders can disappoint us, and if we look deep enough, everyone will do something that we think we would have done differently.

Why?

No one is perfect, but everyone can grow from one challenging experience to another. All of us can become better as we face the pressures of deciding what we should do or who we want to become.

There is far too much comparison of ourselves to what someone else is doing or who someone else is. We’re sometimes blinded by their achievements, accomplishments, and success. We can put them on unrealistic “pillars” and tell ourselves that we will only “make it” when we become like them, or when our organization becomes like that organization.

Our focus should be on us. How can we learn, become better, kinder, wiser, and more developed as leaders? Comparison of ourselves to people is never accurate and will often only cause us to be disappointed in what we need to become. In fact, if we really get to know “that other person” we would find another human being with lots of battles, handicaps, and failures, too.

The ancient Greeks looked at adversity and failure very differently than many of us today. They understood that their heroes were flawed; and if the hero failed to learn the lessons offered up by his flaws, then the ending was tragic. Success didn’t come from genius and rarely from talent. Only if the hero recognized the truth and wisdom in his weakness would the story end well.

Pressures, adversity, and learning from negative experiences can be some of our best friends — if we take advantage of these challenging times and painful memories and use them as opportunities to become better.

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character (Rom. 5:3–4; NLT).

Why do some get knocked down in life and stay there? Some people just become too tired to get back up. They can’t seem to find the strength to be resilient and they need help from caring people and from God. Many stay down and experience negative change. They become angry, bitter, and tough. They fight for the wrong reasons. Passive-aggressive behavior motivates them, and the passion that comes from being hurt, angry, or let down drives them to do what they do. Some stay down in the dark room of shame and guilt and mentally go over the “What if I had done it this way?” or “If only I would have….” Both of these choices will damage and take away one’s true success.

Olympic champion Carl Lewis said, “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. What matters more than this one race is how to take the year. You feel lousy about your performance but you analyze what happened anyway and use that experience to win the next one.”[11]

In order to overcome the paralysis of shame and guilt, you first have to acknowledge it. To get through experiences where people, the company, the church, or a trusted friend let you down, you have to acknowledge your new reality.

“The hurt of it all is there and to pretend that it’s not isn’t healthy,” said physician Martha Reitman. “When you get a body blow, you’re going to go into shock for awhile and then all the gradual stages of mourning occur — from hurt, to guilt, to anger, to recovery. Acknowledging that is critically important if you’re going to deal with it. That’s when you can start to get solace from the doing. You can rebuild, you can make use of this — and that’s very affirming. It’s a question of where to take it.”[12]

Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out.[13]

— John Wooden

People who choose to acknowledge blind spots, look at what caused the failure, understand that there is no perfect job (or person), and refuse to “waste their sorrows,” will become stronger, wiser, and better in what they do. Too often, people struggle with embarrassment and make the decision that it’s not worth trying again — when every experience can teach them a valuable lesson.

Success is 90 percent failure.[14]

— Soichiro Honda

Successful people don’t deny their failures and difficult times. They don’t allow adversity or failure to paralyze them from moving on.

They might continue to have a hollow feeling in their stomach because of not doing all they wanted to do, or of not being all they wanted to be, but they have decided to manage these feelings, include them in their life story, deal with them, and not let past experience stop them. For many, their valley experience becomes their mountaintop insight of life.

Success seems to be connected with action. Successful people keep moving. They make mistakes but they don’t quit.[15]

— Conrad Hilton

A Cause Bigger Than Yourself

Why do some see adversity as an exercise to get better? To use their pain to create growth? To take their challenges and use them as opportunities to become better? Senator John McCain said, “Although success can easily be defined as the achievement of goals, there’s a difference between temporary and lasting success. I don’t think you achieve lasting success unless you add another ingredient to the mixture, and that is to serve a cause greater than yourself. That’s what lasting success is all about.”[16]

He ought to know!

Whatever your political opinions are, or however you voted in the 2008 presidential election, we can all agree that John McCain endured incredible pressure, pain, adversity, fear, and all kinds of disappointments. Yet somehow he found a way to fight on. He became a U.S. senator and was chosen by his political party to be the candidate to run for president of the United States. In his own words, he spoke of an incredible adverse time that came to his life.

“The date was October 6, 1967. I was on my 23rd mission, flying right over the heart of Hanoi in a dive at about 4,500 feet, when a Russian missile the size of a telephone pole came up — the sky was full of them — and blew the right wing off my Skyhawk dive bomber. It went into an inverted, almost straight-down spin.

“I pulled the ejection handle, and was knocked unconscious by the force of the ejection — the air speed was about 500 knots. I didn’t realize it at the moment, but I had broken my right leg around the knee, my right arm in three places, and my left arm. I regained consciousness just before I landed by parachute in a lake right in the corner of Hanoi, one they called the Western Lake. My helmet and my oxygen mask had been blown off.

“I hit the water and sank to the bottom. I think the lake is about 15 feet deep, maybe 20. I kicked off the bottom. I did not feel any pain at the time, and was able to rise to the surface. I took a breath of air and started sinking again. Of course, I was wearing 50 pounds, at least, of equipment and gear. I went down and managed to kick up to the surface once more. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t use my right leg or arm. I was in a dazed condition. I went up to the top again and sank back down. This time I couldn’t get back to the surface. I was wearing an inflatable life-preserver-type thing that looked like water wings. I reached down with my mouth and got the toggle between my teeth and inflated the preserver and finally floated to the top.

“Some North Vietnamese swam out and pulled me to the side of the lake and immediately started stripping me, which is their standard procedure. Of course, this being in the center of town, a huge crowd of people gathered, and they were all hollering and screaming and cursing and spitting and kicking me.

“When they had most of my clothes off, I felt a twinge in my right knee. I sat up and looked at it, and my right foot was resting next to my left knee, just in a 90-degree position. I said, 'My God — my leg!’ That seemed to enrage them — I don’t know why. One of them slammed a rifle down on my shoulder, and smashed it pretty badly. Another stuck a bayonet in my foot. The mob was really uptight.”[17]

John McCain spent five and one-half years as a prisoner of war in North Vietnam. He received minimal care for his broken bones, lived in terrible conditions, spent much of that time in solitary confinement, rejected opportunities to be released, and became a hero to his fellow prisoners because he decided to “serve a cause greater than himself.”

Successful people define this “cause” in different ways. But in achieving or maintaining success, we understand that our adversity can be used to help find that true “cause that is greater than ourselves.” With this comes a satisfaction that is beyond what many define as success.

The Bible gives us many examples of people who took advantage of adverse experiences and became better, more effective, and more focused on a greater “cause.”

Paul the Apostle had a “thorn” in his flesh and understood this as something that would help him stay humble while doing incredible things for God (see 2 Cor. 12:7). He wrote 13 books in the Bible, started many churches, and many feel was the greatest of the Apostles.

Jacob “limped” because he lost a wrestling match with an angel (some interpret that he wrestled with God). As a result, he limped throughout life, but used this weakness to become stronger as a leader. He realized that he could not wrestle with God and win. He had to be continually reminded (by his limp) that instead he needed to depend on God’s help. God renamed him Israel — and Israel became a great nation.

Moses “stuttered” and didn’t want to become a spokesman for God’s people. He didn’t feel that his communication skills were adequate for the job. His adversity was a perceived lack of communicating effectively. His speech impediment turned to his advantage when he learned that he had to depend on God to give him words and to perform the miracles that needed to be done.

Ruth’s adversity was that her husband and father-in-law died and she became a “beggar” for food. She felt obligated to help her mother-in-law. She was poor, had to look for food that was left over after the farmers gathered their harvest, and eventually went to a wealthy landowner for help.

This man noticed her and said, “I …know about everything you have done for your mother-in-law since the death of your husband…. May the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge, reward you fully for what you have done” (Ruth 2:11–12; NLT).

Her decision to do the right thing, in spite of her circumstances, gave her favor with the wealthy landowner, who eventually married her. She then became pregnant, and David and Jesus came through her son’s lineage.

The Apostle Peter’s adversity was often caused by his impulsive nature and fear. He “cursed” and turned his back on his best friend, Jesus. Although his failure almost paralyzed him from being a great Christian leader, when he realized that he was forgiven, he became fearless. With God’s help, he turned his impulsive nature into “wise boldness” and his fear into faith.

Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers. His adversity was four-fold: rejection by his brothers, being falsely accused of rape, being sentenced to prison, and being forgotten rather than helped by fellow prisoners who he helped to be released from prison.

He didn’t become hateful or bitter through all that, but let the negative experiences help him trust God. As a result, God blessed him in every situation — even in prison (see Gen. 37–50). He eventually became the right-hand man to pharaoh and was used to save millions of people’s lives.

When David became popular with the people, he was sabotaged by his boss. David’s adversity was rejection and sabotage, as well as experiencing several attempts to murder him. He decided not to swing back, but to trust God to be his defender. His adversity helped him understand that he desperately needed God’s help. As a result, it is felt by many that he became the greatest king Israel has ever had.

David also suffered adversity when he personally blew it. He committed adultery, lied about it, and murdered the woman’s husband. His dumb decisions brought tremendous pain and disappointment to his life. He did end up making the right choice by acknowledging his sin, paying the price for what he did wrong, and learning from his failure.

Success is not measured by what a man accomplishes, but by the opposition he has encountered, and the courage with which he has maintained the struggle against overwhelming odds.[18]

— Charles Lindbergh

Your business, career, church, and even your life might be full of difficult challenges. You might have physical, emotional, financial, or people problems. It could be the pain of mistakes or failures of the past that makes you feel like not getting out of bed in the morning.

You and I can appreciate that success is built on the foundation of challenges.

Your Choices?

- You can walk away.

- You can just endure and do your job but not fight for the right thing.

- You can stay and do what you feel is right.

Some Questions

If you don’t fight this thing through, who will? If you don’t let this adversity be your opportunity, then how can you develop the kind of success that would otherwise be possible? Why waste your sorrow, your pain, your mistake, or the incredible hardship that you have?

The Great Hardship

Paul the Apostle wrote about one of most challenging adversities in his life. He said, “We think you ought to know …about the trouble we went through in the province of Asia. We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it. In fact, we expected to die. But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead. And he did rescue us…. We have placed our confidence in him, and he will continue to rescue us” (2 Cor. 1:8–10; NLT).

Paul admitted that he was in trouble. In that situation, his adversity was that he simply was out of strength and thought he was going to die. He decided to stop trying to do his job in his own strength, and to rely on God. And God rescued him!

His painful situation became his opportunity to rely on God who wanted to help him. It is safe to say that without Paul’s adversity, he would not have relied on God (in this situation). He learned a valuable lesson in life. Adversity can be used to help us learn, grow, trust, and depend on God.

A Caution

You learn from your failures, overcome the odds, get over people who have disappointed you, and choose not to become bitter. As a result, you become better and more successful. Don’t forget that your pain, adversity, disappointments, and mistakes have helped you become who and what you are.

Life will throw more disappointments at you — more challenging experiences, more adversity — all with, hopefully, fewer mistakes. This is good because adversity, “the sandpaper of life,” keeps us sharp, rubs off the rough edges, and can make us into better (more successful) people. Adversity will always be there because we need it.

Endnotes

9-1. John Antonakis, Anna T. Cianciolo, and Robert J. Sternberg, editors, The Nature of Leadership (Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications, 2004), p. 333.

9-2. http://pbs.org/newshour/character/essays/truman.html.

9-3. Warren G. Bennis and Robert J. Thomas, Geeks and Geezers (Boston, MA: Harvard Business School Press, 2002).

9-4. Ibid.

9-5. Jerry Porras, Stewart Emery, and Mark Thompson, Success Built to Last (New York: Plume Books, 2007), p. 8.

9-6. Ibid., p. 130.

9-7. Ibid., p. 9.

9-8. Ibid., p. 143.

9-9. Ibid.

9-10. Ibid., p. 136.

9-11. www.del.wa.gov/publications/communications/docs/DEL_Newsletter_Sep2008.pdf.

9-12. Porras, Emery, and Thompson, Success Built to Last, p. 129.

9-13. http://heartofachampion.org/quotes.html.

9-14. www.doitech.com/iReader/book_display.php?bookID=27.

9-15. “Greatest Entrepreneurs of All Time,” http://success-digital.com/success/20080607/templates/pageviewer?pg=59&ul=texter.

9-16. Porras, Emery, and Thompson, Success Built to Last, p. xiii.

9-17. “John McCain, Prisoner of War: A First-Person Account by John McCain III, Lieut. Commander, U.S. Navy,” U.S. News & World Report (November 29, 2008): p. 1.

9-18. http://com.au/quotes/success.shtml.

FAILURE — Friend or Foe?

Chapter 10

Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.[1]

— Henry Ford

For the first time in history, the 2007 Super Bowl between the Chicago Bears and the Indianapolis Colts was coached by two black men who were friends, and who are committed Christians. Louie Smith of the Chicago Bears and Tony Dungy of the Indianapolis Colts knew each other well, and the media seemed to enjoy highlighting the “color” issue. Most newscasters downplayed the Christian piece.

The game was a great one. Soggy weather, high intensity, great plays, and amazing athletic ability were all part of the day. Both teams gave their all. And when the clock ran out, Indianapolis was the winner, 29-17. The coaches shook hands and embraced. They looked at each other with a sense of “we both gave it our best shot.”

One team won …one team lost. It could be said that one team succeeded and one failed.

The life of Tony and Lauren Dungy, though, goes deeper than winning this football game. About two years before his phenomenal win, Tony and Lauren suffered perhaps the greatest loss and nightmare that any parent could experience. Their 18-year-old son James committed suicide.

We cannot understand that kind of pain, unless we have walked a similar path. Tony and Lauren were devastated. They went through terrible emotional turmoil and a tremendous loss of energy.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ defensive coordinator, Monte Kiffen, had previously worked with Dungy at Tampa Bay. When he heard the tragic news, he said, “It shakes you, there’s no doubt about it. Tony and I first came together in 1992 and I got to see the boy grow up…. Tony’s got tremendous faith, and that’s what will carry Tony through…. He’s unbelievable. I know what Tony’s thinking. I know how he’ll handle it. It’ll be his faith that will let him stand strong, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.”[2]

Kiffen was right in his assessment. Eventually, this genial, brilliant coach and his wife began to stand back up, to look for something inside called “trust,” and to rebuild their lives.

One of the most common reactions of parents who have lost a child in this way is separation or divorce. Depression, overwhelming discouragement, and blame are frequent emotional obsessions. Feelings of failure become daily thoughts. Though this couple had a wonderful marriage and were exemplary parents, many of these emotions hit Tony and Lauren. A day came when this couple decided to talk to each other and to trust their God.

Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God…. But let all who take refuge in you be glad (Ps. 5:1–11).

Hardship, disappointment, loss, and the wrong choices of those in our family can be interpreted as personal failure. But many times in life, challenging — and even devastating — pain come, because it is normal and common.

Excuses or Scapegoating

Many people will not permit themselves to accept failure. One of their common reactions is to blame those around them or to make excuses.

Part of the reason for this is that their egos or their neurotic guilt will not permit them to be wrong. This subtle part of their thinking drives them to perfectionism and to standards within their work environments that cause pressures that few can live up to. This is not normal, but it is common.

I’m not saying that we do not need a diligent, strong work ethic. We must all work hard at what we do and be administratively strong. However, there are many who struggle with finding a balance and “scapegoat” their employees or peers in the process.

Popular author and pastor Rick Warren often tells his staff, “We must give ourselves permission to fail.” He reminds them of the principle of “it’s good enough.”[3] Although we try our best, we reach a point in our work and efforts where it is healthy to say, “I’ve given this my best shot; now let’s go with it.” Really, the only thing that is perfect is God and His truth.

The “Limps” of Life

I am in my fifth decade of life. When I was halfway through the sixth grade, I was placed back into the fifth grade. My teacher, my parents, and the school counselor felt that this was best. My problem? It was difficult for me to concentrate on all the different subjects at once.

During that decision time, and really since that time, I’ve said very little to my mother and father, sister, or brother about it. I didn’t understand it. I didn’t argue but did what my parents and teacher had decided.

Although my athletic ability, emotional maturity, and body were a year ahead of my new classmates, I felt “failure” in a way that I did not understand. It was different than not winning a game or not being chosen for a team.

That new feeling was supported by small comments from my new teacher, the new desk that I sat in, the way the teacher and new kids perceived me, my old friends in the sixth grade that I had just left, and the fifth graders saying things like, “You’re better at running because you’re older.” I experienced personal, emotional pain and misinformed comments at a new level in my life. There was no instruction about how to use this challenge as an opportunity, or how soon I could be bumped back up with my peers. The only instruction was, “You’re doing this.”

It’s interesting to me that after over 40 years that memory can still be somewhat fresh. Perhaps this is one of the reasons I have loved college, graduate schools, reading, and writing. That “setback” may have been an incentive to work harder.

I was the first in my family to receive graduate degrees and doctorates. My early English teachers would never have expected me to write books or to speak to audiences. I feel that probably the greatest reason I’ve gone on with education, writing, and speaking is that God restored my faith in the gifts He had given me and helped me learn from that terrible experience.

My great concern is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with your failure.[4]

— Abraham Lincoln

There was another boy who failed sixth grade. He also had a battle with depression in his early life. He was made fun of for his “large head” and his lack of coordination. When he was 16, he was sent home from a prestigious boarding school with a report card that said, “This young man shows a conspicuous lack of success.”

Many years later, that boy became the prime minister of England. His job? To defend the British Empire against the evil dictator Adolph Hitler. Sir Winston Churchill became perhaps the most effective national leader that England had ever had.

He once said, “Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never — in nothing, great or small, large or petty — never give in except to conviction of honor and good sense. Never, never, never, never give up.”[5]

Another boy was sent home from school. His teacher explained to his parents that he really had no great mental ability and would not be able to benefit from his intelligence. The teacher suggested that he work on the farm.

Later in his life, he said, “When everybody else is quitting on a problem, that is the time to begin.”[6] Today, Thomas A. Edison is known for his brilliance in the sciences.

When Albert Einstein’s doctoral dissertation was submitted to the University of Bern it came back with the shocking words, “This thesis is irrelevant and fanciful.”[7] The tidal wave of rejection emotions hit him; however, after thinking it through, he submitted his dissertation to the University of Zurich. Not only did the University of Zurich recognize his abilities and unique thinking gifts, they gave him a university position as a junior professor. He became one of the greatest physicists ever.

Why Do “the Successful” Often Reject Failure?

Psychologist Archibald D. Hart feels, “Even in our Christian subculture, we see people all around us who are driven to seek success but have no idea what role failure can play in building success. They don’t know how to receive it with grace. They are unable to incorporate it into their Christian experience. The Church has, by and large, uncritically fostered a theology of success. In contrast, it has no theology of failure. If anything, failure is viewed as something no Christian should have to deal with. This has left many of the faithful believing that if they fail, it is simply because God has turned His back on them.”[8]

If there was just one thing that every enduringly successful person we met had in common, is that they were all really great at failure.[9]

As leaders, we should recognize the fact that we are not perfect, and all of our decisions are not perfect either. If we are not careful, we displace our failures onto our employer, employees, family, and friends.

Our ego and our arrogance will not permit us to admit that we were wrong, or, for whatever reason, that “this didn’t work.”

People who egotistically blame others for their bad decisions or failures have a level of arrogance that will not permit them to say, “I was wrong; I made a bad call. I will take the responsibility for this one.”

Employees who work for people who blame are constantly having to play by their boss’s rules in order to keep their jobs and to be loyal. Most will do what they are told, even though they might feel that the direction that the boss wants to go will injure the company, or the church, or their own lives. The kind of pride that many leaders have will encourage them to blame the staff, a stockholder, a parishioner, or a board member. Instead of sincerely admitting that they made the wrong decision, they find a creative way to keep their self-perceived reputation intact, while they unjustly put the blame on another.

I once knew an employer who lived states away from the home office. He came to the office only a few days a month and basically communicated by phone or e-mail. He loved his life and activities at home, and enjoyed his part-time job where a friend of mine served as an executive. The problem started when he wanted to make all the major decisions in the portion of the company that my friend led. Other divisions experienced the same challenge. He would say, “Let’s do this project” or, “I’d like for you to consider hiring this person,” and then force his agenda through. Typically, the project or person was not something or someone that my friend thought was best.

The feeling was that he was running the company out of his hip pocket and that his CEO job wasn’t something he was serious about, but rather a fun game (for him) — a diversion. He made decisions that were not well thought out and he operated on shaky, inexperienced “hunches.”

He had the personal weaknesses of shifting blame and of not releasing his managers and other experts to lead in their departments. As a result, numerous people, projects, and results were negatively affected. For a while, others were blamed for his bad calls. Eventually, the company realized that many of their problems came from this person’s off-the-cuff inexperience and ineptitude.

Failure. Inaccurate decisions and poor judgment calls are part of everyone’s lives. What can we do when we discover that we have been caught in wrong thinking or behavior? We can recognize it, admit it, and change.

What can we do to accept our failures?

It may not be your fault for getting down, but it has got to be your fault for not getting up.

— Steve Davis[10]

1. Accept the fact that you will make mistakes; and when you do, admit it.

Many successful people think that when they fail, they are a “failure.” I might fall down a lot in life, but this occasional (or frequent) experience does not make me a failure. Everyone makes choices that are not perfect, or might be wrong. We can accept this fact and learn from it, or not accept it and blame others when we mess up.

Don’t fear your past failures — trust that you have a Creator God who will give you other chances to get it right. The Psalmist David wrote:

If the Lord delights in a man’s way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand (Ps. 37:23–24).

He will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall (Ps. 55:22).

2. Accept the fact that you are not perfect.

When we make a bad decision that results in failure, we are often shocked because it points out our imperfections.

I have met very few people who enjoy their imperfections. All of us have blind spots, and we occasionally realize new tendencies or personal issues that point out additional flaws. This is humbling and at times embarrassing. It can remind us that everyone has feet of clay.

Since we all “limp” a little in life, we can identify with others who are also trying, but are not perfect.

3. What we call failure might not be failure in God’s eyes.

In the classic devotional book My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers writes, “God called Jesus Christ to what seemed unmitigated disaster.”[11]

His point is that, with our human understanding, the life of Jesus was full of rejection. People wanted to kill Him, and His life ended with the death penalty — what we might describe as failure.

But from God’s viewpoint it was an exact success. His obedient life fulfilled His Father’s perfect plan for the world. He did the absolute right thing in everything He said and did.

There are many times in life when we know the “right” thing to do, but we also know that a certain decision could cause personal pain. What do we do in those intense times? Do we make the right call, knowing that is the direction we (the company or church) need to go, even though we will go through a time of “paying” for our decision?

Frequently, success or failure is just a matter of perspective.

We often analyze our results in the company we serve, the church we pastor, or the family we are a part of with standards that do not consider the whole picture. There are many factors involved in whether a project (or a person) is going to be what we call “a success.”

4. Make the commitment not to blame others for your wrong decisions.

Norman Vincent Peale said, “Never say anything to hurt anyone. Moreover …refrain from double talk, from shrewd and canny remarks that are designed to advance our interests at someone’s disadvantage. We are to turn our back upon evil and in every way possible, do good, help people and bring blessings into their lives.”[12]

Do all you can to ensure that others understand that you own the problem, not that you pretend to own it while blaming another. A multitude of employees, parishioners, spouses, and children have been wounded by people who have “scapegoated” their guilt and wrong decisions.

This behavior is as old as Adam and Eve. Adam blamed Eve for his decision to disobey God. Eve said, “The serpent deceived me and I ate.” She blamed the devil for her bad choice. They didn’t accept the fact that they did the wrong thing. I wonder what would have happened if they had said, “God, we are deeply sorry for our decision to disobey You. We understand our wrong choice and need Your help to ensure that we never do this again.”

Failure has been a personal struggle for mankind since the beginning. We must understand that we are not perfect. We must own our wrong decisions and behavior, and not blame others for our choices, and we must learn to go frequently to our Creator and receive forgiveness for our sinful acts as we strive to live a balanced life.

Think about this:

Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord; O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy. If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared (Ps 130:1–4).

Endnotes

10-1. http://quotes4all.net/authors/henry%20ford/quotes.html.

10-2. http://go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2268593.

10-3. This is a success trait that Rick Warren often shares at pastors’ conferences and speaking engagements.

10-4. Herter Studio, Fall Better (Philadelphia, PA: Running Press, 2006), p. 47.

10-5. Ibid., p. 24.

10-6. Archibald D. Hart, Habits of the Mind (Dallas, TX: Word Publishing, 1996), p. 58.

10-7. Ibid., p. 58.

10-8. Ibid., p. 56.

10-9. Jerry Porras, Stewart Emery, and Mark Thompson, Success Built to Last (New York: Plume Books, 2007), p. 128

10-10. Source unknown.

10-11. Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest, August 5th, “The Baffling Call of God,” http://myutmost.org/08/0805.html.

10-12. http://brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/n/norman_vincent_peale.html.

Learn From Others’ (or our) Mistakes

Chapter 11

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.[1]

— Eleanor Roosevelt

One of the helpful fears in my life comes when I hear of another person’s mistakes. When someone’s unethical, immoral, or illegal behavior comes to light, I think about it and let it soak in a little. When I hear of a person who made a tragic decision to do the wrong thing, my heart goes out to those involved, and to those who have been misled. I think about their families, their employees, those who trusted them, and the perpetrators. I also ask myself, “How in the world did that happen?”

I wonder, How did they get to the point in their lives where they made this kind of decision? Has this pattern been part of his or her life since childhood, or was there a point when they decided to begin to compromise? Was it because of their childhood experiences? Did they rationalize over time? Begin to compromise on once-held standards? Or were they temped by an evil influence?

And the thought comes to most of our minds, If that can happen to them, am I leaving opportunities open for it to happen to me?

Examples of people in power who make decisions that get them in trouble have been part of mankind’s history since the beginning.

The news that Illinois governor Blagojevich was allegedly planning to “sell” president-elect Obama’s U.S. Senate seat to the highest bidder seemed to hit the subbasement of ethical misconduct and shamelessness.

In the same week, Wall Street veteran Bernard Madoff was accused of running a Ponzi scheme that prosecutors allege lost a staggering $50 billion. The news came out after he told some of his high-level employees that his investment management business was a “fraud” and “basically a giant Ponzi scheme.”[2]

Political, business, and personal ethics seem to be in a meltdown. There have always been crooks, ethical compromisers, and those with moral calluses (sinners). History demonstrates to us numerous instances from the beginning of time that are lucid examples of nations making tragic decisions. There is also the Roman civilization, Nazi Germany, the atrocities of several nations in our world today, unethical religious organizations, and faults of the church — literally all segments of society.

In her book Bad Leadership: What It Is, How It Happens, Why It Matters, Barbara Kellerman provides insights into how leaders turn bad or were bad when they started in their “so-called” successful careers. She discusses seven types of bad leadership: Incompetent: Where the leader and at least some followers lack the will or skill to sustain effective action. Rigid: Where the leader and at least some of his/her followers are stiff, unyielding, and unwilling to adapt to new ideas, new information or changing times. Intemperate: Where the leader lacks self-control and is aided and abetted by followers who do not intervene. Callous: Where the leader and at least some of the followers are uncaring or unkind; they ignore or discount the needs of the rest of the organization. Corrupt: Where the leader and some of his followers lie, cheat, or steal. They put self-interest above all else. Insular: Where the leader and at least some of the followers disregard or at least minimize the health and welfare of those outside the small centre group. Evil: Where the leader and at least some followers commit atrocities. The atrocities committed by them may be physical or psychological.

In all seven examples, Kellerman looks at unique elements: (1) the prologue, (2) the context, (3) the leader, and (4) the followers, who are equally responsible, and in some cases cause bad leadership.[3]

No occupation is immune. We have countless examples in politics, sports, entertainment, business, and religion. How can we forget Jim Bakker? Pete Rose? The Enron gang, Pee-wee Herman, or Mel Gibson? We have seen many so-called successful people make very wrong decisions ... all for their own reasons. We will see more, we will be shocked by some because we will know them, and we could be tempted to let the toxicity (drug) of success get to us.

In their book Sway: The Irresistible Pull of Irrational Behavior, brothers Ori and Rom Brafman write that everyone is susceptible to irrational behavior. They believe that some irrational acts are harmless. But others can be fatal.[4]

At one point in my career, a counseling office that I oversaw received hundreds of crisis calls a month from leaders or their spouses. Many of these phone calls included great challenges in families, inside information about people who were causing extreme conflict, and admissions of some kind.

One day a call came that was so insidious that I couldn’t shake it emotionally for days. This person’s behavior was so evil that I couldn’t get it out of my mind. When I came home that evening, I went into the backyard and began to weep. When my wife looked out and noticed me, she ran over to see what was wrong.

I said, “I don’t know how deep this is.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I don’t know how many are involved …what the percentages are …which people I work with are having major behavioral problems. I think we are just scratching the surface.”

All of us make mistakes …and all of us have committed sins.

There is no one righteous, not even one (Rom. 3:10).

What have I learned from working intimately with leaders, very successful people, and people from literally all segments of society in dozens of nations?

I have discovered that ALL people have a sinful nature — a potential for evil — and that they are capable of doing things that would shock us.

I’ve also discovered that there is a high percentage of people who are wonderful, who live with high integrity, who can be trusted, and who guard their lives with excellent disciplinary standards. They have made mistakes, sinned, and certainly not been perfect, but they’ve decided to grow (in spite of their mistakes or sins) and become better people.

I like the ancient Chinese wisdom that says, “Even a saint can commit an error.” Many of their texts mirror the adage that no man is infallible or free of making mistakes, but learning from them is one of man’s greatest virtues. Another one of their sayings is, “If you know you made a mistake and don’t correct it, then you have really made a mistake.”

The question is, how have you learned from your mistakes? With that information, how do you intend to protect yourself from doing the same things again?

In your success (whatever that means for you), how do you maintain balance? Do you observe and learn from other people like yourself who have made right and wrong decisions?

In order to guard our lives from compromise and from doing the wrong things, we learn by watching, and by becoming educated in the school of things that we want to avoid or things that we want to make part of our lives.

Know the Intoxication of Being Idolized

Many wonder, what happens to people who get in positions of authority in government offices? What rationale comes into the mind of a leader (city, state, or national) that convinces him/her that he/she can behave in ways that are inappropriate, unethical, or illegal?

Certainly not all public servants live in these ways, but when one (or more) does, the shock waves ripple the constituency.

There are many examples: Governor Rod Blagojevich’s alleged decision to sell the Senate seat; Eliot Spitzer’s (past governor of New York) decision to spend thousands of dollars on prostitutes; Ted Stephens’ (senator from Alaska) indictment in a corruption scandal; Mark Foley’s (U.S. congressman from Florida) decision to send sexually suggestive instant messages to a teenage congressional page; Senator John Edwards’ decision to have an affair with an employee; and President Bill Clinton’s decision to have a sexual encounter(s) with Monica Lewinski.

Past mayor of Washington, D.C., Marion Barry’s use of cocaine was viewed on the news because of hidden cameras in the room. And, though it was several decades ago, the Watergate gang caused one of the biggest political scandals in U.S. history.

Many others will likely come to light soon.

I suggest that idolization is much like a drug that influences a person’s mind not to think clearly, or loosens a person’s ability to control behavioral disciplines that he or she would normally have in place.

We know that it’s not just political “heroes” who are susceptible. This idolization can affect an occupational group, a neighborhood team, a sports hero, and even a religious leader.

Man is tested by the praise he receives (Prov. 27:21).

It is not surprising that a new study found that the more power leaders have, the harder it is for them to grasp what the world looks like to the people under them. This power serves as an impediment to understanding the perspectives of others. It leads individuals to anchor too heavily on their own vantage point, thus leaving them unable to adjust to another person’s perspective and decreases their ability to correctly interpret the emotions of others.[5]

A psychologist, Stanley Teitelbaum, wrote in his book Sports Heroes, Fallen Idols, that athletes (as well as politicians and business and religious leaders) get accustomed to always being in front of the crowd. This can develop into an emotional toxicity (poison) where people commonly become arrogant and grandiose, as well as quickly develop a sense of entitlement.

He writes, “The way they’ve come to be treated ever since they hit that first home run or scored their first touchdown, often as early as 8 years old, gives them a sense of specialness, the sense that they’re above it all in their own world and can do what they want and not have to worry about the consequences. Because somehow people will cover for them; or if they do something that is immoral or illegal and if they get caught somehow, they’ll get off easy.”[6]

Success (like a drug) is addictive. Sports heroes and successful businesspeople may seem to have enough; they may have achieved everything that we (average people) think anyone could want, but when reaching the top they often ask themselves, “Where do I go from here?”

It’s often said, “You build in thrills. You build in something that will give you the high you once had.”

Understand That Charisma Doesn’t Equal “Ethical Leadership” or Being Successful

Peter Drucker wrote, “I was the first one to talk about leadership 50 years ago, but there is too much talk, too much emphasis on it today and not enough on effectiveness.

“The only thing you can say about a leader is that a leader is somebody who has followers. The most charismatic leaders of the last century were called Hitler, Stalin, Mao, and Mussolini. They were mis-leaders! Charismatic leadership by itself certainly is greatly overlooked.

“One of the most effective American presidents of the last 100 years was Harry Truman. He didn’t have an ounce of charisma. He was as blank as a dead mackerel. Everybody who worked for him worshiped him because he was absolutely trustworthy. If Truman said no, it was no, and if he said yes, it was yes …and he didn’t say no to one person and yes to the next one on the same issue. The other effective president of the last 100 years was Ronald Reagan. His great strength was not charisma as is commonly thought, but that he knew exactly what he could do and what he could not do.”[7]

Charisma can lie to us by making us think that “charisma” equals a successful, ethical leader who can be trusted.

Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; someone else, and not your own lips (Prov. 27:2).

Don’t Think We Are as Capable as Our Team Members

Everyone is unique, has a unique history, a unique set of experiences, and unique education, goals, talents, dreams, and disciplines. We each have the ability to specialize in areas that help us, our families, or our organization.

Throughout the years, Peter Drucker watched the challenges of capable leaders who eventually blew it:

“One of the ablest men I’ve worked with was Germany’s last pre-World War II democratic chancellor, Dr. Heinrich Bruning. He had an incredible ability to see the heart of a problem. But he was very weak on financial matters. He should have delegated but he wasted endless hours on budgets and performed poorly. This was a terrible failing during a depression and it led to Hitler. Never try to be an expert if you are not. Build on your strengths and find strong people to do the other necessary tasks.”[8]

Strong, successful teams are made up of very talented, special people. One of the reasons why we have a team of leaders around us is because they are strong where we are weak. We are strong where they are weak.

Know That Burnout Is Possible and Sometimes Personal Sabotage Is Part of the Outcome

Sabotage can be an unconscious act against oneself that causes a fall. People who become involved with sabotage (sometimes subconsciously) can’t tolerate success because success may call attention to their sense of unworthiness.

At times it’s hard to tell, when people get caught, whether it’s the result of their own self-image problem. They may not think they deserve recognition or success. Or it might be arrogance that persuades them that they can get away with anything and that they are entitled to do whatever they want.

A denominational leader recently asked me about a minister who had an affair. “Do you think there is a possibility that he wanted to be caught?”

I said, “It’s possible …why do you think this is a possibility?”

The official said that the man was exhausted, didn’t know how to slow it down, and seemed to be looking for a way out of his career. He said, “I think he possibly [did this] because he knew that his behavior would likely force him to completely leave the ministry.”

On another occasion, I knew of a religious official who used the church credit card to rent pornography. He was also exhausted, depressed, in a burnout, and was out of control. He didn’t know how to create a slower, less chaotic life. His purchase of pornography would not be a secret, because his receipts were always checked. He certainly must have realized that his charges would be questioned. When looking at the situation, it seems very possible that he wanted to be caught in some kind of behavior that would alter his career.

Both of these clergy members did change careers; but why sabotage themselves? Both felt trapped and felt their lives were out of control. Both either made a subconscious choice to do something that would cause their downfall, or they lied to themselves by rationalizing that they could get away with such behavior.

Not Letting Others Speak into Your Life

If you don’t have accountability or people in your life who can confront or disagree with you, you could be asking for trouble.

If your organization has removed the laws of leadership that permit staff to address concerns they have with your (or each other’s) ethical, moral, illegal, or inappropriate behavior, then put those laws back in and train staff how to be appropriate “whistle-blowers.”

If people around you don’t feel they can tell you when you’re off track, find a way to give them permission without them feeling threatened.

If your spouse, children, or grandchildren can’t tell you that you’re wrong, give them permission.

Many people are not accountable to anyone. They are the leaders, the ones who call the shots, and the organization, church, or government can look very “top-down” when one person is in control.

This is a dangerous place to be in life. Accountability is healthy; absolute authority is something that should be avoided. “Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.”[9]

Complications, Criticism, Complaints, and Caustic People Can Get to You

Some of you are in situations where it is coming at you from all directions. If you don’t have advocates in your organization, you need to find them — or create them.

Along with ensuring that you have people to talk to, read materials that give you solid, healthy information, and build healthy habits into your life. These habits include sleep, exercise, building a solid marriage and family, getting counseling and/or coaching, etc. Realistically decide how much you can endure, what you need to do to stay balanced, and if and when you should walk away and learn from that situation.

Believing the Lie “I’ll Never Be Found Out”

“They will always love what I do, who I am…. They would never dare turn me in.” “I’m too important.” People get found out. Lives end up in a rubble.

Your sin will find you out (Num. 32:23).

With e-mail, cable TV, the media, blogs, visual witnesses, other people talking to friends, body language, our own words to our friends, etc., very little stays secret. But if we are not found out on this earth, God knows — and we have to live with that. Our conscience can become calloused, seared, and sociopathic, and we can actually start believing that our false life is true, or that it’s okay to live the way we are living.

If we all make mistakes (and we do), if we are all sinners (and we are), what can we do to learn from our mistakes, and avoid making them in the future?

Admission Stage

You can learn from your mistakes after you admit that you’ve made a mistake. When we blame everything or everyone else for the mistake we have made, the understanding of what we have done becomes a greater challenge. Remember that we can always learn from our mistakes by asking ourselves what we would do differently. We can evaluate whether it really was a mistake, was unavoidable, or was something deliberate.

The point is that we have to admit that we made the decision. With that we can say, “I made this decision, and it is my mistake that I am responsible for.”

What if others will not accept your admission, or think (interpret) that it was worse than it was, or don’t want to let you off that easily?

Well, you do what you can; sometimes there simply isn’t enough to convince or satisfy some people. Some people have their own agendas. All you can do is move on.

Your admission of a mistake, even if it is only privately to yourself, makes it possible for you to move on. You have then moved from the blame assessment stage to the understanding assessment stage. Wise people admit mistakes easily and understand that progress accelerates when they do.

Admitting that we make mistakes, fail, or have sinned (are sinners) goes counter to the advice of many books on success, management, and leadership. It may even go counter to our education in universities or seminaries.

If we were taught that we will make some mistakes, and were given instruction about understanding, learning from them, and growing because of them, then people wouldn’t be paralyzed by guilt and shame, and wouldn’t give up on their goals.

Understanding Stage

Success is often built on understanding the mistakes we and others have made, and using them to help us improve. The greater and more complicated the goal, the more frequent and difficult our setbacks will be. Sometimes it’s two steps forward, three steps back — or three steps forward and one step back.

The greater your goal (vision), the more you will need to develop your ability to overcome (and learn) from the mistakes you will make.

Some have said, “I’m nearly perfect; I get it better than most; so why do I need to admit that I don’t always get it right?” This kind of attitude says, “I refuse to change.”

What a mistake!

By refusing to acknowledge mistakes or weaknesses, people refuse to accept reality.

The Attitude Stage (Keeping Your Heart Pure)

As a Christian, your self-identity is based on the promise that you are a child of God. You can ask Him for forgiveness because you have sinned (and made mistakes). You then understand that God is with you as you walk through life.

When people do not accept divine guidance, they run wild (Prov. 29:18; NLT).

Your deeper self-identity is not based on your lack of mistakes but on your compassion, courage, commitment, creativity, and on the wisdom you get from God.

Your life will be very frightening (and boring) if you think that you will never make another mistake, or never get into trouble, or never take the risks that your heart tells you to take.

All of us have made mistakes. The question is whether we have learned from them and become better people because of them.

There are lots of types of mistakes. Some mistakes are because we did something irritating, thoughtless, or stupid. These might include constantly poking your sister and making her mad, deciding that stop signs are not made for you, saying things that you know tick people off. These are mistakes that we need to just stop doing.

Intentional mistakes (sin) are part of our life when we choose wrong behavior. We know what we are doing, but for whatever reason we decide to do the wrong thing. As a result, people are hurt, our relationship with God is damaged, and we are hurt.

We can stop doing what we are doing, be forgiven, learn from our sin, and grow. All of us have made these kinds of decisions. What can we learn? What do we need to do — realistically? How do we prevent ourselves from doing this kind of thing again? Do we need to get help? Have we admitted our sins to God and asked Him for His forgiveness?

Avoidable mistakes happen when we suddenly remember something we forgot to do, then to correct our mistake we stop what we are doing (if we can) and simply do what we previously forgot.

I travel a lot, book my own flights, and sometimes forget to rent a car. On the way to the airport, I suddenly remember that no one is picking me up and I’ll need a car. Now I’m inconvenienced. Instead of being at the airport a little early and relaxing, perhaps getting my shoes shined or reading the paper, I now need to fix the problem by going to a rental place and trying to rent a car. Sometimes I’ve had to pay a little extra because I didn’t rent the car early enough, but I have learned not to do this as often. We all make avoidable mistakes because life comes at us fast and we miss details.

Some mistakes are easily understood but a challenge to fix. Three examples of this are: (1) a house that goes into foreclosure because the ARM interest rate went up too fast and the homeowner can’t make the payment any longer; (2) a pastor who is leading a church full of angry or hurt people, and as a result the church doesn’t grow, or worse, the pastor is blamed, possibly even fired, for inherited weaknesses; (3) an executive takes a job with a company that had an unscrupulous CFO or CEO and discovers the depth of the problem, and has to downsize to fix it and hopefully to grow the company. We can eventually understand the mistakes that were made by another administration or person, but in trying to improve the situation there are many challenging issues.

Complicated mistakes involve multilevels, multi-people, and “multi-bad” choices. There are no obvious ways to get it perfect or to avoid taking hits. Examples include having to make tough decisions that will have less than optimal results, some decisions and relationships will fail, or there will be other unpleasant or unsatisfying outcomes.

Once, when assuming the pastorate of a large church, I needed to fire a pastor who was using drugs, using the church credit card to rent cars to give to drug dealers, and borrowing money from people in the church to pay back his illegal debts (they didn’t know it when they lent the money). This complicated situation caused me a lot of headaches. I was blamed by people (who didn’t know all that the associate pastor had done). Some on the board were upset with me because I couldn’t fix him, etc. The point is, all of us inherit history when we decide to be leaders who make a difference.

What we can do to learn from our (and others’) mistakes:

• Accept responsibility for making our mistake, so we can learn from it.

Someone said, “To err is human, but to recognize the error and correct it and learn from it gains respect from others.” Neglecting to do so, or even hiding the mistake, leads to loss of self-respect and the respect of others.

• Do not equate making a mistake with “being” a mistake.

You are not a mistake, you are not a failure, and you are not a loser. You have made a mistake, or have failed and lost — this time! And you can learn from your mistakes, failures, and losses in life and become better because of them. If your behavior was sinful, understand that forgiveness is available for everyone who repents.

- Accept reality. You can’t change the fact that you make mistakes, but you can choose how you respond to them.

- Your growth begins when you look at your life and see many areas to improve.

Our best friends will tell us the truth. Sometimes it is something we don’t want to hear, but in order to grow, we must listen.

Success in learning from mistakes often requires involvement from other people. They might have advice, offer a class (training), or accountability (to keep you honest).

An unbiased friend, mentor, or coach can have a more objective perspective on your behavior and help you identify what and when you are hedging, breaking the rules, or are in denial and avoiding commitments you’ve made. We all need people around us who love us enough to graciously tell us the truth.

In the end, people appreciate honest criticism far more than flattery (Prov. 28:23; NLT).

• Try to understand why it happened and what the contributing factors were.

In order to understand why we made the decision that turned out to be a mistake or had the discussion that was sinful, it is helpful to work backward and look at the moments, hours, days, and weeks before the actual mistake was made. You won’t see everything, but you can see patterns, rationalizations, small decisions, and perhaps compromises. Sometimes, you will need to go “way back” to a childhood experience where you were hurt or led astray (your parents’ treatment of you, your first job, a college experience, etc.). There are some understandable reasons why people do what they do. This doesn’t make it right, but it will help us understand.

Try to access:

- What information would have been helpful to you in order to avoid the mistake?

- What small decisions, rationalizations, and/or compromises (small mistakes) contributed to the bigger mistake?

- Were there alternatives that you should have considered, but didn’t?

- What kinds of changes should you make to avoid that kind of mistake?

- How could you handle a similar situation differently?

Some kinds of change are easier to make than others. With your introspection and evaluation of the situation where the mistake was made, what warning signs do you see that you will avoid if a similar experience happens?

• Don’t think the future, all people, all employers, all employees, or life itself is doomed to repeat the past. Don’t over-compensate. The next situation (or person) won’t be the same.

Let Me End with a Story

A long time ago there lived a man who stole one of his neighbor’s chickens every day. Someone pointed out to him that that was wrong. The man replied that he needed time to correct the habit: “I will begin by stealing a chicken only once a month instead of daily, and then next year none at all.”

The moral of the story? When someone points out one of your mistakes, correct it immediately. When you become aware of your mistakes on your own, don’t try to hide them. And while correcting them, don’t be afraid.[10]

Endnotes

11-1. http://quotationspage.com/quote/38694.html.

11-2. Matt Krantz, “Officials: $50B Lost in Fraud,” USA Today (December 12, 2008): p. B1.

11-3. Barbara Kellerman, Bad Leadership: What It Is, How It Happens, Why It Matters (Boston, MA: Harvard Business School Press, 2004).

11-4. Ori Brafman and Rom Brafman, Sway: The Irresistible Pull of Irrational Behavior (New York: Doubleday, 2008).

11-5. http://usnews.com/usnews/biztech/articles/070129/29/power.htm.

11-6. Stanley H. Teitelbaum, Sports Heroes, Fallen Idols (Lincoln, NE: University of Nebraska Press, 2005).

11-7. http://forbes.com/management/2004/11/19/cz_rk_1119drucker.html.

11-8. Ibid.

11-9. John Emerich Edward Dalberg Acton, http://org.uk/meanings/288200.html.

11-10. http://epochtimes.com/n2/china/ancient-china-mencius-wisdom-learning-from-mistake.

Getting It Right

Chapter 12

This is what he requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God (Micah 6:8; NLT).

The pressures of success and leadership have gotten the best of a lot of people. The crisis in the world economy has kept people on pins and needles. It’s hard to determine how the dust will settle, and who is responsible. But I would give you an intelligent guess: “follow the money trail.”

Do “golden parachutes” make you mad? It seems like there are inept and/or greedy people in this financial nightmare who need to be held accountable. A golden parachute is an agreement between a company and an employee (usually upper executive) specifying that the employee will receive certain significant benefits if employment is terminated. Sometimes certain conditions — typically a change in company ownership — must be met, but often the cause of termination is unspecified. These benefits may include severance pay, cash bonuses, stock options, or other benefits.[1]

The problem? What if the golden parachute benefits the leader and robs the employees? Where is the right balance? Today, we are seeing excesses and imbalances when evaluating who to blame when a company “comes down.” We also find ourselves asking, why does the executive receive exuberant funds and benefits when the people working in the organization lose everything?

When recently talking to an accountant who assesses “fraud” accusations in businesses, he explained how the courts determine whether someone has broken the law with their finances, perks, expenditures, etc. The rule of thumb that many fraud investigators use is called the “triangle of fraud.” It works like this:

- Opportunity: Does the person have the opportunity to do something that is outside the boundaries of the “rules”? This could include access to money, sex, excessive power, or another temptation that is not legal, ethical, or moral.

- Motivation: Does the person have a “felt need” like expenses, desire for intimacy, loneliness, revenge, and/or “payback?”

Recently the COO of a company took advantage of his access to the general fund monies in the company by using them for his personal benefit. The reason? His boss did it. But there was a difference between the two. The boss was allowed to have some of this money as a part of his “perk” package. The COO resented him for it and was jealous. So the passive-aggressive COO decided to move some of the funds into his personal account. His motivation? He felt that he deserved the same financial benefit as his boss. He was motivated by anger, resentment, jealousy, and greed. Often the temptation is hard to bear, especially with no perceived accountability.

• Rationalization: The person mentally goes through a process of rationalizing his questionable (or obviously wrong) behavior. People sometimes get to a point where they decide that it’s okay to do this because of…. It could be a “situational ethics” conclusion, or they just become “fine” with their decision. They justify their behavior, affair, ethical violation, or expenses in their own head.

Well, the courts don’t care about the motivation and certainly do not care about how a person rationalized their decision to do the wrong thing. They simply look at the rules. Did the person break them? Was it illegal? What needs to happen with the judgment?

When looking at how we can continue to do the right thing — no matter how much pressure or motivation there is to do the wrong thing — all of us need to ask ourselves the following questions:

What is my self-interest?

How do I view my success? Am I looking at what I do as a service to others, my clients, church members, fellow staff members? Or is there an internal self-interest drive that is motivating me to be aggressive and to achieve, no matter what the rules are or who I might need to run over in the process?

Self-interest can drive a person to personally use their power to bring harm to another person, groups of people, a church, or a company.

What are the challenges that come with power? Do I understand power? What are the dangers of it? How quickly can I rationalize my right to take advantage of people when having a title or the financial enablement to literally buy people?

I once had a board member who frequently invited me to golf, hunt, fish, and whatever just so he could get me alone and tell me how he felt the leadership job I was doing should be done. He would try to buy equipment and getaways so that he could purchase his way into getting me alone. I soon read between the lines and realized that he wasn’t trying to be nice — he was trying to get control of the organization. His changes would have been devastating to all we were trying to serve. I then needed to guard my responsibility of being a leader and be aware of what he was doing. People will try to influence us with their power or money, but we can be alert to their motivations. Jesus was often tested by people with wrong motives.

Jesus perceived their malice . . . (Matt. 22:18; NASB).

Neighborhood HOAs frequently are sued because they have obsessive, legalistic rules. Why? Someone is elected (or self-appointed) to become the president of the HOA. Suddenly, when they become the president, they stop being a neighbor. They now have authority or perceive that they do. What they forget is that neighborhoods need to be governed by reason, balance, and tolerance. They don’t need to be like prisons with zero tolerance.

Executive arrogance poisons the atmosphere in far too many organizations. It is especially deadly in idea-driven organizations in which subordinates are often as talented as their leaders — or more so. Leaders can become intimidated by people with talent and good ideas. Insecure leaders will often say or do whatever they need to do to keep their control.

Power, money, and prestige can do strange things to our heads. Learning not to let wealth or our title get to us is a good rule of thumb. Being humble and tilting to the side of mercy and compassion is a great way to go instead of allowing power to poison you.

Do I have selfish ambition?

Taking unnecessary risks …going over the line …compromising on what I know is right to “just get my goal.”

It is helpful to ask ourselves, “Am I being so aggressive that I will rationalize my negative treatment of people by saying this is my 'business plan,’ and some will have to suffer?”

I believe that there is a way that we can go after our God-given goals and be sensitive to the needs of people in the process.

We can pray for wisdom to do the right thing.

We can be aware that selfish ambition can be like a drug that pushes us into an irresponsible pattern of “I’m doing this, regardless of how people feel about it.” Or we could say, “I’m doing this regardless of the risk.” Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan called the 2008 financial crisis a “once-in-a-century credit tsunami.” In explaining the reason why he thought this economic balloon popped, House Oversight Committee Chairman Henry Waxman said, “The list of mistakes is long and the cost to taxpayers is staggering. Our regulators became enablers rather than enforcers. Their trust [arrogance] in the wisdom of the markets was infinite. The mantra became that government regulation is wrong. The market is infallible [false belief and arrogance].”[2]

Selfish ambition can happen to a person, organization, church, or government. Caution is advised when ambition is out of control.

What are your needs for trust and are you trusted by those around you?

Trust is critical in determining whether we can lead or not — both the necessity of performing in a way that people trust you, and demonstrating trust toward others.

I often speak to pastors at various seminars, conferences, and events. It is my opinion that we can’t lead a congregation if we are not trusted. Also, business leaders can’t effectively lead our companies if they are not trusted.

Trust is earned over time, one decision after another. As a leader, sometimes mistrust can be something that you have inherited because of the previous leader’s decisions. If that is the case, then patience and understanding is what we need in order to get those we serve on the “same page” as us. Trust goes both ways. We need to trust those we are serving and they need to trust us.

There are some common reasons why people might not trust you and it might not be your fault (sometimes it simply goes with the territory):

Having to hold people accountable. As leaders we do evaluations, performance reports, and we often analyze our goals. In this process, we need to talk to people about their work ethic, and how they are doing on the job. I remember needing to talk to a CFO about being rude to people and letting him know that many people were going to leave our organization because of his rough words and bad attitude. After that conversation, the man resented me and tried to undermine me with other employees. Eventually, he needed to leave because he couldn’t see his problem.

Having to hold their relatives accountable. Whenever we have relatives on our staff, we need to realize that when we have to correct one person’s behavior (or attitude), it will immediately get to their blood relative. I’m cautious about employing family members because of this loyalty issue. People will generally be more loyal to their relative (husband, wife, nephew, brother, and child) than to their employer or to their employees. If their employer corrects them, they will often take it as an offense and try to influence their relatives to their side.

Remembering that “the buck stops with you.” Very often, the leader makes decisions because of the tremendous responsibility and obligations of the church or organization. And often the employees or associates do not understand the unique weight of leading and having to make the final call or decision. This is another part of being a leader. We will never make everyone happy, but we can be full of grace and compassion while we lead.

Having more information than others do and needing to hold steady on your agenda. There have been times when I have needed to make a decision because I knew something that others did not know — and I could not tell them what I knew. When serving in the U.S. Navy, I received a Top Secret clearance because of the work that I did for the navy. One thing I was drilled on was, “You only need to know if you need to know.” I commonly asked officers and people who were over me in rank when they wanted to know what a “Top Secret” message said, “Do you have a need to know?” There will be people in any organization who simply cannot (and should not) know all that you know. Often when I served as senior pastor of a large congregation, I counseled people, heard their tragic stories, their temptations, and their failures. This information was a sacred trust, and I often formed decisions because of what I knew, but simply could not tell anyone else.

As leaders, we need to understand that some people can’t handle not getting their way. But we can’t let this stop us from doing what we feel is right. Leadership is not only a privilege, it’s an incredible challenge, as we are often asked to disagree with people around us. The skill of being in disagreement without offending people is learned over years, and it is not absolute. However, there will be people who want their way regardless. In those cases, we simply decide on what is right and move ahead.

Some people really think that you work for them and that they know better how to handle the job or church. I often remind pastors that there are a lot of people in your congregation who think they can do a better job than you — and some might be right! But the difference between you and them is that “you have been called by God” to lead that church. Churches are filled with board members, committees, and people that feel they can control the pastor; but the office of “pastor” does not belong to them. God calls pastors to be shepherds, watchmen, and leaders of those they serve.

The NBR (“Nightly Business Report”) has been the most-watched daily business program on U.S. television. It examined 700 businesses and political and popular leaders of our time and came up with a list of the 25 most influential businesspeople. Out of this group there were eight attributes of leadership that are felt to be critical to maintaining success. Near the top of the list is that they are truth-tellers.[3]

What is your definition of influence?

Are you influencing those around you for good? We affect people by the way we live and talk, and by how we respond to emotions like fear, discouragement, and bad attitudes.

I was recently on an airplane that circled LaGuardia in New Jersey for almost 90 minutes. Because of the many miles I have with that airline, I was moved up to first class. We were in a storm, the ride was rough, and a lot of people were shook up. The man next to me asked me for my “barf bag.” I was thinking about how I could help him and offered to turn on the air above him. Suddenly, the plane was hit by lightning. Next to my window I saw a red/yellow flash, felt the hit, and the plane seemed to be rocked. The pilot obviously was looking for any power shortages, and for a few moments just held the plane steady.

In immediate response, people yelled, cussed, and used the Lord’s name in vain. I sensed my anxiety but decided to be quiet and felt calmness. I asked the person next to me if I could help him with his sickness and my attitude seemed to influence him and others just to relax. I reminded myself that what one person does can have a calming effect when there is fear and confusion.

Our influence with the people we work for, our family, the church we serve, or the community that we live in can be measured. We can influence for both good and bad. What is your influence like? Because it’s contagious.

In our success, we are responsible to both be effective in our role and do the right thing in our interactions with people. This is a challenge in that we human beings are fallible. People don’t always do the right thing, and at the same time achieve success. Some could be perceived as successful, but in their dealings with people are not respected. Some have tremendous respect from people but would not be perceived as successful.

What Is Success, and Should Influence Be Our Goal?

We all understand the common message that leadership is influence — influence is leadership. But what kind of influence do we have?

Jim Jones had leadership abilities and tremendous influence when he persuaded his followers to drink the poisoned Kool-Aid. Other “cult” leaders have influence and leadership abilities when they persuade their followers to do things that would normally go against their consciences. Charismatic leaders have tremendous influence on their followers when they convince people to believe their philosophy or buy in to their opinions of how to do what they do.

Hitler had tremendous influence; but was Hitler a leader? If we define success as influence equals leadership, or leadership as influence, then Hitler was an influential, successful leader. This is called “the Hitler problem.”[4] If our definition of leadership is “one who has influence,” then he would be put in the same category as Lincoln, Gandhi, or Augustine. Because the thought is that leadership has influence over history. But as followers of Christ, we understand that Hitler was not a leader at all. He was an evil, dictatorial egomaniac, a tyrant and a bully who had charisma and a talent to influence many people to believe his lies.

The Bible talks about a person who will be called the antichrist and will have the ability to influence people to follow his evil ways.

What we do need to consider is that influence has tremendous power and we should always look at how we are influencing others. Does our influence encourage people to be better people, be better fathers or mothers? Does our influence encourage people to be more faithful Christians with healthy convictions? Do we influence people to do the right thing? Or do we influence people to compromise or “fudge” and behave in ways that are wrong?

Stewart Emery (coauthor of Success Built to Last) feels that success needs to be redefined. He said, “If you read the definition of success in the dictionary, it sounds like it was written for sociopaths. If you go to Oxford or Webster — whether you take a dictionary from either side of the Atlantic — they define success in the same way, as the accumulation of influence, power, wealth, and accolades. We see a lot of people chasing that kind of success.”[5]

Over the years, I’ve attended and participated in numerous leadership and pastors’ conferences. The idea that’s often suggested is that if we find the person or people of influence within our companies or churches, we will then be able to build the momentum we need for growth or stability. However, what is missing in this suggestion is that these people of influence might be influencing people for the wrong reasons, to do the wrong things that will ultimately work against the good that we want to do. Influence needs to be analyzed. It might have power and persuasiveness, but influence isn’t necessarily truth.[6]

How do you define leadership? How do you determine what is right and wrong? How are you to treat people?

The prophet Micah said it right:

He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God (Micah 6:8).

Simply said, do the right thing, regardless of the price.

We are never wrong in doing the right thing!

Solomon said, “The integrity of the upright will guide them” (Prov. 11:3; NASB), and his father David taught him by example by walking “in my integrity” (Ps. 26:1; NASB). Harvard Business School scholar Lynn Sharp Paine says of morality and business: ethics does not always pay, but it always counts.[7]

Plato used Socrates to argue for justice which covers both the just person and the just city state: “A person’s soul has three parts: spirit, resourcefulness, and mindfulness. Similarly, a city has three parts. Socrates uses this parable of the chariot to illustrate his point: a chariot works as a whole because the power of the two horses is directed by the charioteer. Lovers of wisdom — philosophers, in one sense of the term — should rule because only they understand what is good. If one is ill, one goes to a doctor rather than a quack, because the doctor is supposed to be an expert in the subject of health. Similarly, one should trust one’s city to an expert in the subject, not to a mere politician who tries to gain power by giving people what they want, rather than what’s good for them. Socrates uses the parable of the ship to illustrate this point: the unjust city is like a ship in open ocean, crewed by a powerful but drunken captain (the common people), a group of untrustworthy advisors who try to manipulate the captain into giving them power over the ship’s course (the politicians), and a navigator (the philosopher) who is the only one who knows how to get the ship to port. For Socrates, the only way the ship will reach its destination — the good — is if the navigator takes charge.”[8]

Remember that your success is a trust from your Creator. Being just and doing the right thing (regardless of the cost) is one of the highest priorities we have.

Always lean to the side of kindness, mercy, and compassion. We often live in an area that is grey: neither back nor white, could be right, could be wrong. Or we are in the middle of a decision where wrong might have been done, but we can forgive, evaluate, and improve the issue without bringing injury or harm to people. In other words, someone blew it, but the damage is repairable. What do we do in the middle of these kinds of “people decisions”?

While we will not compromise on doing what is right, we need to remember mercy. Jesus said, “Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy” (Matt. 5:7). Why is mercy so important? Because our Creator is merciful to us and He wants us to act like Him.

Mercy, kindness, and compassion for people must never leave us. Our success in whatever we do in life should be influenced by our ability to be sensitive to others. Where would you be without God’s mercy?

Live in humility, knowing that all you have is a gift. Along with doing the right thing and being merciful and kind to others comes the constant realization that without God’s help, we simply would not have the success we enjoy. It’s all a gift: God’s grace, His wisdom, our talents are on loan. Are you a good steward of the abilities, talents, and favor that He has given you?

I am often contacted by people who have experienced failure, tremendous disappointments, or loss. My heart goes out to them and I do my best to offer wise counsel and to give them hope. But one thing I remind myself is that there but by the grace of God, go I.

What does God require of you? Do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with your God.

Endnotes

12-1. Wikipedia, Golden Parachute, http://wikipedia.org/wiki/Golden_parachute.

12-2. “Greenspan Warns Unemployment Will Rise Further,” http://usatoday, 10/23/2008.

12-3. “Lasting Leadership: Lessons from the 25 Most Influential Business People of Our Times,” Knowledge@Wharton, October 20, 2004, p. 1, http//knowledge.wharton.upenn.edu/article.cfm?articleid=1054,

12-4. J. Ciulla, The Moral Challenges of Leadership, Venus-Seminars, Abstract, November 8, 2006. http://venus-seminars.net/?1=enroll/seminars/3.

12-5. “How Successful People Remain Successful,” Knowledge@Wharton, http://upenn.edu/article.cfm?articleid=1451, April 19, 2006, p. 2.

12-6. John Antonakis, Anna T. Cianciolo, and Robert J. Sternberg, editors, The Nature of Leadership (Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications, 2004), p. 339.

12-7. Ibid., p. 337.

12-8. http://wikipedia.org/wiki/Justice, p 2.

Your Definition of SUCCESS

Chapter 13

Until you figure out what success means to you personally and to your organization, leadership is an almost pointless conversation.[1]

— Peter Drucker

Everyone has their unique viewpoint on what success would feel like to them. In our goal-driven, vision-casting, performance-evaluating world, it is defined by standards such as money, prestige, or popularity. That’s not necessarily bad, but those accolades have their minefields, and many people don’t do a good job of avoiding the mines.

Success has its risks. Many evaluate those risks and decide that they will stay in their “secure” spot, live in the past, and not grow, improve, or achieve more in their life. Why are some afraid of the risks?

Best-selling author Dennis Waitley lists six big risks in life:

1. Taking responsibility for giving up bad habits and invalid assumptions.

2. Taking responsibility for setting an example in our own lives.

3. Distancing ourselves from a peer group that isn’t helping us succeed and therefore tends to, or wants to, hold us back.

4. Leading ourselves and others down a new and unfamiliar path.

5. Working more to reach a goal and being willing to delay gratification along the way.

6. Being willing to face criticism and jealousy from people who would like to keep us stuck in place with them.[2]

Many look at these risks, evaluate, and decide that it is worth it because their calling is bigger than they are. They feel that the misunderstanding of some friends, peers, or relatives is worth the cost. The goal they feel, their objective, is more important than trying to make a lot of people happy.

We need to remind ourselves that some people we thought would get behind us compete against us, and some people we thought would cheer us on are the biggest “boo-ers” in the crowd. This is normal. This is part of the price we pay for going after what we feel is success. However, along the way, God gives us unbiased friends and people who will be there when we need them — committed friends.

The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense (Prov. 27:9; NLT).

One of the biggest challenges in my adult life with moving ahead in my career goals has been my peers. Had I listened to many people in my occupation, some of my relatives, and some of my advisors …I simply would have become stuck in life.

I’ve learned to listen to people I feel don’t have self-motivations, but will give me godly, unbiased, true advice. I’ve found that many have their own motives and will advise others in a way that will help themselves — not the other. When this is the case, we need to go to the One who has created us and hear His voice of advice.

Though it’s sometimes a challenge to find them, there are those who will give you good advice and wisdom. I feel that these kinds of people are God’s counselors, and when I am around them, I listen.

If you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise (Prov. 15:31; NLT).

The Bible illustrates that Joseph got into trouble because he had a dream that his family didn’t agree with. Because of his brothers’ jealousy and their opinion that a younger brother should not become their leader, they sold him as a slave. If his brother Reuben had not stepped up and argued with his brothers for Joseph’s life, they might have killed him.

Why?

Joseph had a dream to become a leader. His dream came from God. Probably the only mistake Joseph made with his brothers was to tell them that he had a vision that he felt was supernatural.

What was his vision?

One night Joseph had a dream, and when he told his brothers about it, they hated him more than ever. “Listen to this dream,” he said. “We were out in the field, tying up bundles of grain. Suddenly my bundle stood up, and your bundles all gathered around and bowed low before mine!”

His brothers responded, “So you think you will be our king, do you? Do you actually think you will reign over us?” (Gen. 37:5–8; NLT).

What was their issue? Jealousy? Envy? Their opinion of who should be the leader? Well, Joseph’s dream was true. It did come from God and he did go on to become his brothers’ leader, and even the second-in-command of a nation of people. He saved hundreds of thousands of people from starvation and was known for his compassion, wisdom, and walk with God.

Had Joseph let his brothers and others discourage him from the dream he had when he was 17 years old, many people would have suffered.

Likely, you have a dream to become successful. Remember: some (not all) people will try to discourage you from going after your dream. It could be the very people that you thought would get behind you. Remember that you only really need to be concerned about pleasing One — your Creator — and you can continually ask yourself, “Am I giving this the best shot and depending on God to give me wisdom and favor?”

Success leaves clues; so does failure. I’m a people-watcher. I love airports, busy places, and to observe people as they live life. Reading the stories of the successful and the unsuccessful people in great books and the Bible helps me understand principles I want to add and many that I want to avoid in my life.

Three key elements that I see over and over again in peoples’ lives are:

• Deciding to be excellent (not perfect) at what we do

No one can be perfect, but if you work harder, study harder, and decide to develop disciplines that will make you more effective, you could be a threat to your peers.

We live in a world of “average is great” and we are expected to have so many hours of leisure to be considered normal. But how much leisure do we need? What does a work week look like? In order to be stewards of our time, we need to count our days and analyze if we are being wise with the hours we have.

Doing what we feel is our calling, or dream, with the best effort we can give is not only fulfilling, but motivating. I’m often asked how I can do my job, spend lots of extra time speaking, take time for education and for coaching leaders, and write 14 books.

I often respond, “I don’t golf.” We have a laugh — but I’m serious.

I like golf. I think the courses are beautiful, and I really enjoy being outside. I certainly respect those who have mastered this sport, but for me, I can’t sacrifice a day a week (more or less) chasing a ball that seldom cooperates! I’d rather spend the time writing, or reading information that I feel will help me and others. But, I’m not you; and you’re not me.

My point is, find a way to discipline yourself to be excellent in developing your dream, occupation, and key relationships, such as those with your spouse and children.

Your dream will require dependence on God, focus, discipline, time, and lots of “try” (effort).

• Deciding to think outside the box

A few years ago, I came to understand that God is a creative God. That might seem obvious to you, but for me that meant that God could give me creative ideas — new thoughts, different ways of doing things that will work in our 21st century. Not new truth, but new methods.

Lots of organizations, churches, and people get caught in a rut. Someone once told me that a rut is a grave with both ends kicked out!

The last thing I want to do is get caught in a rut — get stuck and always follow the conventional wisdom of the crowd or organization. Conventional wisdom is only the opinion of the majority until someone else comes up with a better idea.

Remember, conventional wisdom once told us that we would never fly, talk to people thousands of miles away without a wire connecting us, or walk on the moon. People thought the world was flat and that only horse-drawn carriages would get us places, etc. But then someone had a creative idea, a dream.

Can I challenge you to look at life in a new way? If God really gives you a dream, or gives you a sense of what success should look like, know that He will give you the ability and a creative way to do it. God doesn’t play games with His children. He desires that you are fulfilled (though you might struggle and even suffer) in who you are and what you do.

Today, churches are trying new things to reach people more effectively. Businesses are imagining new technologies that will improve what they do. Automobile manufacturers are imagining cars that don’t use gasoline. Many are dreaming of inventions that will help a lot of people. Some of these ideas come to us in a garage, a basement, or in the shower. Mine tend to come when I find a place of silence and where I can meditate (pray), or find a way to get away from the noise of the crowd.

Thinking outside the box will move you, your organization, job, work with people, and family ahead. It will give you the permission to think, “Why not,” instead of, “Why?” You will say, “Let’s try it,” instead of, “We have tried it before and it didn’t work.”

•Deciding to avoid the habit of committees

Someone said that if you want to kill a great idea, give it to a committee. This is exaggerated, but I do feel that some of the greatest ideas, plans, and reorganization dreams have been shot down by committees and group think tanks.

Committees often start their first meeting by making some kind of statement or coming to an agreement that “this is the way we operate (i.e., the way we have always done it), and although we discuss new ideas, we won’t develop new ways of doing things.”

Bill Gates was a college dropout. Israel’s first woman prime minister, Golda Meier, was a divorced grandmother from Milwaukee. Some of the greatest pastors didn’t go to seminary; some of the greatest churches in the world are in the most unlikely places doing unique — unlikely — things.

Remember, committees are made up of people with differing opinions, motivations, and issues, and are likely driven by a desire not to rock the boat. Consensus usually rules.

Committees are sometimes necessary for a consensus of wisdom, if the right people are present. We should always follow the rules of integrity, budget, compassion, and mercy, but all of us have had experiences with a committee literally draining the energy out of a person or a great idea. They may overturn it, or even just outvote it.

Organizations, companies, churches, and individuals need to think of the possibilities — with God’s help. Reinvent, rethink, reorganize, regroup to meet the 21st century’s demands. Live in the world of “let’s try it” or “let’s try to help” or “I’m going to give this a little more effort.”

The baby boomers are concerned about retirement, the stock market bust, and how long they will need to work in order to take care of their families and their needs. I’ve never enjoyed the thought of retirement because I don’t believe in its basic philosophy. I don’t ever plan on retiring in a conventional way (i.e., just moving to a warm climate, sitting in a rocking chair, playing bingo or golf, and looking forward to eating out), and thinking as my physical body slows down, I will slow down.

Why not think this way?

Instead of thinking that your occupation or skill is no longer needed, think about how to be proactive versus reactive. What do I need to do not to be vulnerable? What skills do I need to develop, and what new information do I need to obtain, in order to continue being productive? What can I do to develop my own business, my own consulting organization, my own dream?

Committees, think tanks, and people who want you to be average can drag on you like walking in a foot of mud. You are unique, talented, God-gifted, and have good thoughts. Discovering this is part of your “life success.”

What’s God’s Design for Success?

Does He want everyone rich, powerful, popular, and hitting home runs every time they step to the plate? Does He put the pressure on His children to win no matter what the cost, or want you to run a Fortune 500 company or pastor a mega church?

I don’t think so; but there are many people who think God thinks this way.

I’ve had the opportunity to be with “successful” people in many parts of the world. Some of the happiest, most fulfilled, and successful people live in villages that are poor, homes which have very few amenities, and in other conditions that would make most of us miserable.

My wife and I were in the home of a very wealthy couple one evening. Bill ran a major U.S. company and was one of the most productive, organized leaders I have met, but he and his wife had recently decided that he should retire so they could just be together. He was in his mid-50s and had lots of talent and energy and was obviously on top of his game.

Why did he come to this decision?

He discovered that he had the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s disease. As Christians, he and his wife discussed the shortness of life and how they wanted to enjoy each other and their children. They also realistically evaluated that they had no idea how soon his memory would leave him.

They are successful in their marriage and family, and have given life their best effort. Now, with this new knowledge, they have redefined what their life should look like. Leading a Bible study and accountability group, providing hospitality to friends and neighbors, and being together as much as they can have become their new goals. To them, they are being successful.

Success is measured by different standards — different goals, events, and attitudes. Ultimately, only one thing will matter: What does God think? How does He evaluate what we do and who we are?

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time (1 Pet. 5:6; NASB).

How Does God Define Success in Our Lives?

• The principle of obedience

If anyone obeys his word, God’s love is truly made complete in him (1 John 2:5)

When we decide to let God orchestrate our lives, give Him control, and become believers in Christ, we have taken our first step of obedience to what the Father desires for us. This is a huge step, because now we are greatly influenced by His blessings and have unique opportunities because we know Him. We have His Word that will tell us how to live and how to treat people. We have His Spirit that will be an internal governor to counsel us in every challenge and decision in life.

Our only concern?

How can we obey Him and continually do His will? He says, “If you love me, you will obey what I command” (John 14:15).

Warren Wiersbe feels that we can obey either because we have to, because we need to, or because we want to. “A slave obeys because he has to. If he doesn’t obey he will be punished. An employee obeys because he needs to. A Christian is to obey his Heavenly Father because he wants to — for the relationship between him and God is the one of love.”[3]

Doing what you feel you need to do to be obedient to our Creator is the name of the game. Following the rules, knowing the rules of attitude that are often part of what we do, and being sensitive to the needs of people are daily goals. We look for ways to be more obedient, not ways to compromise in our behavior.

• The principle of faithfulness

Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts. Instead, pursue righteous living, faithfulness, love, and peace. Enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts (2 Tim. 2:22; NLT).

Faithfulness is doing what you say you will do (unless it is wrong), learning how to say “yes” and mean it, and “no” if you cannot do it. It is being faithful to the God who is guiding us through life, finishing the job He has asked us to do, and keeping the promises we have made to our spouse, children, friends, peers, and employers.

I have noticed that it is common for many to make promises and easily forget who they made them to. But the one who heard the promise will remember — for a long time. Being faithful to God and to the commitments we make is all part of being successful in life. Try not to make promises that you know you cannot keep or that you disregard. Return phone calls, respond to e-mails, and do what you said you would do.

• The principle of trust

David said:

Fear was on every side…. But I trusted in thee, O Lord: I said, Thou art my God. My times are in thy hand: deliver me from the hand of mine enemies, and from them that persecute me (Ps. 31:13–15; KJV).

All of us face uncertain times, know people who would like to wipe us out, and have had challenges that become nightmares. As a child of God, we can trust Him. In fact, we must trust Him.

In a world of chaos and confusion, heartache and pain, we can find a way to trust God. This is God’s promise:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope” (Jer. 29:11; NLT).

We understand that we cannot see the future, but God will be there when we arrive. “I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you” (Heb. 13:5; NASB).

We really don’t know all the reasons that things happen in life — why we stumble, or why people treat us the way they sometimes do. But God knows, and He will use whatever life deals us for our benefit.

We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them (Rom. 8:28; NLT).

When we trust God, we understand that God treats negative experiences in our lives, tough times, and failures in a way that will bring us good (either here on this earth or in eternity), if we love Him and do the right thing. Choose to believe this.

• The principle of contentment

I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength (Phil. 4:11–13; NLT).

What was the Apostle Paul saying? God is in control if we love Him and are faithful to what He asks us to do.

Lots of people get very angry at life. I have met a lot of ticked-off pastors, Christians, and business leaders who feel that life is giving them a bad deal. We can get upset and bitter about circumstances, failed goals, and unforeseen challenges, or we can trust God, do our best, and find a way to be content with God’s daily blessings.

It doesn’t pay to be cranky, to fuss, or to be depressed about a current situation. Ask yourself, “How can I learn from this and get stronger in some way because of what is happening today? How can I become a better person, a person that is more content?” This doesn’t mean that you stop trying to improve or that you become a “contented pessimist.” It means that you have found a way to have internal happiness, regardless of what you make, whether you are receiving accolades, or if no one is paying attention.

• The principle of serving

Even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve (Mark 10:45).

I recently visited Swaziland, partly because that tiny nation has the highest HIV percentages in the world. Also, I was meeting a group of medical professionals who were doing basic evaluations and care for the Swazi people. During that week, I dedicated two schools that we had raised the money to build and met many children who had lost their parents to AIDS.

The doctors, nurses, wealthy business owners, and missionaries were overwhelmed with the desperate needs, but had a sense of energy, joy, and fulfillment in being there.

Why?

They were serving people who were in bad shape — doing something with their lives that gave nothing in return except the satisfaction of meeting the people and helping with their needs.

I sat with a government official who served the leader of that country. Next to her was an armed guard with his M16. The government leader put her hand on my arm, looked me in the eye and said, “Please don’t leave.”

I said, “How can we help you?”

“Our biggest problems in our country are poverty, no jobs, and AIDS — you are helping us with all three” she responded.

What were we doing?

Serving without any expectation of return — on this earth.

Success means finding a way to help people. It has been discovered that the greatest leaders are the greatest servers.

• The principle of humility

Before honor comes humility (Prov. 15:33; NASB).

The famous talk radio host Rush Limbaugh often says, “Talent on loan from God.” Though I don’t really enjoy hearing this in the context of how he says it and I’m not certain about his sincerity, he is right. All of our abilities, talents, favor, blessings, and opportunities come from God. We simply would not be able to do what we do without His help, His supernatural abilities, and His wisdom.

Clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, for God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble (1 Pet. 5:5; NASB).

I have often needed to hire people to work for me, an organization, or another person. The qualities I look for in an employee are that they be humble, talented, hard-working, and smart. This means they need to know that God gives them their ability and that they need to depend on Him for what they do. Their work ethic must be a primary discipline, and they need to be teachable (my definition of smart), willing to grow and learn, and strive for excellence.

We simply cannot do what we do or be who we are meant to be without God’s incredible blessings and help.

• The principle of integrity

The integrity of the upright guides them (Prov. 11:3).

We are never wrong when doing the right thing.

There have been times I have gotten into trouble trying to defend someone who is being taken advantage of by arrogant or misinformed people. I have witnessed abuse to children, employees, ministers, humble Christians, and leaders who are trying to do the right thing. I have also decided to help those who cannot help themselves — when I can. Because of my ethics, I have been passed up for promotions, have been lied about, and discounted. I take stands on not mistreating people or playing the compromise game.

So, why do the right thing for people and for principle?

Because God’s Word instructs us to:

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; ensure justice for those being crushed. Yes, speak up for the poor and helpless, and see that they get justice (Prov. 31:8–9; NLT).

Among the many good definitions of integrity, there are four key principles: being honest, doing the right thing, making things right, and sensing a responsibility to help people who are being treated unfairly (but who are locked in silence).

Lots of people have no way of defending themselves and have no audience to listen to their cry for help.

When we can, we must come to their aid. We must speak up for those who are being treated unjustly.

God’s definition of success is very different from what we learn on Wall Street or in many of our universities and businesses. But there is no question that when we are doing life God’s way, we will know in our heart of hearts that we are doing life well.

Endnotes

13-1. Jerry Porras, Stewart Emery, and Mark Thompson, Success Built to Last (New York: Plume Books, 2007), p. 11.

13-2. Dennis Waitley, Empires of the Mind: Lessons to Lead and Succeed in a Knowledge-Based World (New York: Morrow, 1995), p. 29.

13-3. Warren W. Wiersbe, Pause for Power (Colorado Springs, CO: Chariot Victor Publishing, Cook Communications, 1998), p. 173.

Why People Fear “Successful Leaders”

Chapter 14

Usually, it is the most successful leaders

who suffer the worst ethical failures.[1]

He was running for president of the United States, his wife was battling cancer, his children needed his strength, he spoke out on the abuse of the poor in America — but this didn’t prevent him from sleeping with another woman, and thinking he could get away with it.

His lover, Rielle Hunter, degraded the prestige of this successful political leader by reducing his nickname from Senator to “Hot Lips.”

John Edwards said that he “became increasingly egocentric and narcissistic.”[2] With this attitude came permission to do the unthinkable.

What did he mean? Egocentric? Narcissistic? Possibly he now understands the incredible potential of power; it really can slip into “corruption” mode. A person can start doing things that he or she never would have done before they had power. The psychological issue behind being narcissistic is that, on the positive side, many can be outstanding leaders; but on the negative side, they consider themselves exceptions to the rules.

Edwards was familiar with this kind of behavior. During the Clinton impeachment hearings, he said that Clinton’s affair with Monica Lewinsky “has shown remarkable disrespect for his office, for the moral dimensions of leadership, for his friends, for his wife, for his precious daughter. It is breathtaking to me the level to which that disrespect has risen.”[3]

His understanding of the Clinton fiasco did not keep him from making the same mistake. What happened?

Governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer, crusaded against prostitution rings but then got caught using call girls. Evidence suggests that he could have spent up to $80,000 on prostitutes. What happened?

Ethical philosophers call this type of behavior the “Bathsheba Syndrome.” The “Bathsheba Syndrome” is a reference from the Bible. King David is used as an example of a successful leader who made some tragic decisions.

We are first introduced to David when he is doing his family chores as a young shepherd. He eventually slays the giant Goliath, and becomes a war hero and leader of a nation. His story is given to us as a leadership lesson.

God selects the small shepherd, David, over his brothers because He “has sought out a man after his own heart” (1 Sam. 13:14; NLT). The New Testament further explains, “I have found David the son of Jesse, a man after My heart, who will do all My will” (Acts 13:22; NASV).

David seems to be flawless as a leader until one evening when he takes a lustful look at his neighbor Bathsheba when she is taking a bath. The story explains that he is walking on the roof of his palace during the evening, and he sees Bathsheba bathing. He instructs his servants to bring Bathsheba to him. The king takes Bathsheba to bed with him and she becomes pregnant.

Bathsheba’s husband, Uriah, is one of David’s military leaders who is on the battlefront. David tries to cover up his affair with Uriah’s wife by calling Uriah home. When Uriah arrives, David tries to get him drunk so he will sleep with his wife. Uriah didn’t cooperate, because he felt it was unfair to enjoy an evening with his wife while his men were fighting for their nation. He slept outside — on the king’s doorstep.

David then took the situation up a notch so that he could cover up his moral dilemma. He ordered Uriah to be abandoned on the front lines of the battle, and Uriah was killed. David thought he could control people’s perception and cover up his selfish decision to sleep with another man’s wife.

The story comes to an end when the whistle-blower prophet, Nathan, confronts David who is then punished by God for his sin.

The Bathsheba Syndrome has repeated itself again and again throughout history. Scandals ranging from the so-called “Kennedy affairs” to Watergate, President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky’s affair, Ken Lay and Enron’s fall, Senator John Edwards’ affair, evangelist Jimmy Swaggart’s voyeurism, pastor and evangelical leader Ted Haggart’s visitations with a male prostitute and use of illegal drugs — all follow the general pattern of David’s story.

For good reason, people often wonder, “Who’s next?”

It seems that because of the frequency of successful people making ethically wrong decisions, the shock is not as hugely impacting. Sadly, it is even expected.

The great fear that many people have about successful people is, will the position, money, prestige get to them, too? How will they change with new success in their lives?

These are legitimate questions — with lots of precedence.

What are some of the pitfalls? What can we learn from people’s pain so that we don’t repeat their tragic stories? Let us not think that we are above making the same kind of wrong decisions. Remember, we are only one bad decision from a fall.

1. We can lose our focus.

We can lose sight of our responsibilities, our family, our career, our commitments and values in life. As ethics expert Joanne Ciulla said, “We lose sight of what our job is.”[4]

Leaders can disassociate from their tremendous responsibilities by magnifying something or someone to a higher level of importance. The focus of our walk with God, a healthy marriage, our church, our job can all become foggy. The desire for wrong behavior, momentary experience, or impulsive acts becomes bigger than doing the right thing.

David should have been leading and strategizing for the war. He was the king — the five-star general. He forgot about the war that his country was involved in and he let his imagination take over as he watched Bathsheba bathe. He was not focusing on the right thing.

Those of us who watch leaders and want to trust them become very concerned when we know they are womanizers. Why? Because we know that they could easily lose their focus and make dumb decisions. Their trustworthiness is in question.

2. We can believe we have privileged access; and in many cases, we do.

Power usually leads to privileged access to money, people, records, programs, and comes with the ability to make decisions that can affect the core values of an organization.

Because of this fact, a leader (without appropriate accountability) has more opportunities to indulge in the abuse of power. It takes more willpower to resist indulging ourselves and playing outside of the rules when we are successful than when we are not. Why? Because we are calling the shots: we are out front. We have rights and privileges that others do not have.

David knew that he could basically do whatever he wanted to do. He simply asked his servants to bring Bathsheba to him with no questions asked.

3. We can develop an inflated belief that we control the outcome.

David became involved in developing a hideous cover-up — one bad decision needed to be protected by another bad decision, with one lie added to another. The downward spiral of falsehood and cover-up became more and more degrading.

Joanne Ciulla says, “Success makes some people feel they are not subject to normal rules and gives them an inflated view of their ability to control outcomes. It’s true even of people who read and experience history. You don’t learn from mistakes if you think you’re an exception.”[5]

Even when people are caught, many believe they can still control their downfall.

In the case of Edwards, there are many issues that make it sordid. His hotel visit (he was caught in a hotel with Hunter in the middle of the night); Hunter’s refusal to do a paternity test; a Dallas lawyer friend of Edwards’ payment to her; Edwards’ cancer-stricken wife; and his campaign focus on morality and his marriage. Ciulla says, “Americans can put up with infidelity, but hypocrisy is a career-ender.”[6]

The cover-up can become worse than the crime. For David, adultery was not as bad as murdering Bathsheba’s husband.

During a cover-up of bad decisions, leaders can abuse their power most. For President Clinton, his lying to the grand jury, “I did not have an affair with Monica Lewinski” — became as degrading, and many feel more immoral — than his sexual liaison.

4. We can believe that we will not be discovered.

There is a Bible verse that says, “Your sin will find you out” (Num. 32:23; KJV). For President Clinton, it was Monica’s blue dress with his semen on it. She decided to not have it dry-cleaned. Was this a nostalgic reminder of her experience with the man. Or was it an insurance policy for potential personal gain?

For Enron, it was Sharon Watkins who became the whistle-blower. She called their bluff and demanded that Enron’s leaders be held to the same moral standards as everyone else.

For King David, it was Nathan.

For those who decide to have a secret liaison with someone, most of the time it is that “someone” who tells a friend, and a friend tells a friend and....

Success can be a drug that makes us believe that we can do things that other people can’t — and we think that we can brilliantly cover it up. We can start believing that we are smarter than anyone else and somehow we will be able to avoid absolute evidence. When the truth comes out, when the bomb explodes, the impact on the company, the church, the nation, or those who are just naive, innocent followers is devastating. Great harm comes to the constituents and those who have blindly trusted.

Why do some fear those with power, leadership, and success? Because many feel that the position, the privileged access, and the power will bring the potential to do something wrong.

What Can We Do to Avoid the Pitfalls?

• Be aware of the permissions that you give yourself.

We should understand that knowledge of ourselves and self-control (impulse control) is critical to our present leadership and future success.

We need to remind ourselves that we can make mistakes, because we are not smarter and trickier than all the others who (throughout history) thought they could do what they did and get away with it. We must think about our impulses and discipline ourselves to guard our behaviors.

There are really only two who know what our real thoughts and ambitions are: God and ourselves. If your ongoing thoughts frighten you, get help. If your activity has been outside the rules, stop. If you need to repay, redo, or apologize, do it. If it is forgiveness from a person or God that you need, ask for it.

This means that we choose to live by the same rules as those who work for us. We do not abuse our privileges; we avoid the same mistakes that we want our employees to avoid.

We might need to write, and submit to, a self-imposed accountability structure where we build into our lives more personal accountability. I often say, “Men, listen to your wife. Wives, listen to your husband.” Your spouse and kids pick up on things that we can miss.

The subtle sickness of “excessive permission” can come to any leader who has power and authority. We can guard our decisions by being accountable, and by permitting those close to us to caution us if they see any hint of misconduct. They can help us live within the boundaries of balance and discipline. We need to watch carefully if we are saying, “I can do this because of who I am.”

There is safety in having many advisers (Prov. 11:14; NLT).

• Understand that you are only accountable to the people that you give permission to hold you accountable.

Many leaders require their employees to turn in all receipts but they don’t turn in theirs. They require an expense account with all details entered in but they live by another code. A leader can instruct his or her employees to put protective measures on their computers so that pornography is screened out, but they leave their computers open to whatever they want to view.

Budgets, boards, committees, employees, and friends are all people we are accountable to. When we isolate ourselves from people and ethical standards, we can quickly fall into the deception of “I don’t really need to listen to anyone,” or “I’ll control my own standards of behavior because accountability is for others and not for me.”

As Bob Dylan sang:

You may be an ambassador to England or France.

You may like to gamble, you might like to dance.

You may be the heavyweight champion of the world.

You may be a socialite with a long string of pearls.

Might be a rock ’n’ roll addict prancing on the stage.

Might have money and drugs at your command, women in a cage.

You may be a businessman or some high degree thief.

They may call you Doctor or they may call you Chief.

You may be a preacher with your spiritual pride.

You may be a city councilman taking bribes on the side.

You may be working in a barbershop, you may know how to cut hair.

You may be somebody’s mistress, may be somebody’s heir.

But you’re gonna have to serve somebody, yes indeed.

You’re gonna have to serve somebody.

Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord.

But you’re gonna have to serve somebody.[7]

You get the point — it’s true for everyone. It is a law of life: all of us have to “serve somebody.”

Plans go wrong for lack of advice; many advisers bring success (Prov. 15:22; NLT).

Remember, “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” Perhaps people in our organization are living outside of the rules because we are. Those who are watching you are aware that you live within — or outside — of the accountability norms.

Choose to be accountable. Decide to listen to people in your family, your friends, your organization, and your church — those who are aware of what you do.

• Realize that success can be like a drug: we overestimate our importance and our invulnerability.

Lao-tzu warned about obsessive egotism when he said, “He who stands on tiptoe is not steady.”[8] The Bible says, “Pride goes before destruction, and haughtiness before a fall” (Prov. 16:18; NLT). “If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself” (Gal. 6:3; NASB).

Popular pastor and author Rick Warren states that there are five Global Goliaths that need to be slain. Egocentric leadership is placed in this package, along with spiritual emptiness, poverty, disease, and illiteracy. In Rick’s opinion, “Egocentric leadership is the source of all the other problems in the world.”[9] He believes that self-serving rather than selfless leadership has created what he calls “little Saddams …they’re in every country, in every church, in every homeowner’s association, and every business.

“The reason is that most people don’t have the character, conviction, and guts to resist the pitfalls that accompany money, power, and influence.”[10]

Another popular pastor, Bill Hybels of Willow Creek Community Church, said, “People will follow where leaders lead.”

He feels that leaders must identify what is disconcerting to them and lead “by a vision that relieves that discontent …then, you are catapulted into a leadership state of mind…. You surrender your ego because the cause can’t afford your pride. You create good ideas and take risks. You engage team members. Your sense of nobleness kicks up.”[11]

A PhD student in Colorado said, “We used to be able to take honesty and integrity in business for granted. But I’ve seen degradation of principles and a trend toward measuring increased sales and not integrity. Money now seems to be the driving force in the corporate world.”[12]

Our goal? Remember that whatever our success is, that it is a sacred trust — a gift — that must be guarded by humility, gratitude, and a determination that we will not let the gift go to our heads.

A sensible person stays on the right path (Prov. 15:21; NLT).

• Remind ourselves that success is best handled when we understand that God has given us our talent and the favor we enjoy. Without Him, we really have nothing.

It could be that your successful role, career, position, or bank account was handed to you, or it might be that you began at the bottom of the ladder, came into the company or church at the low end of the ladder (cleaning the floors, scrubbing the bathrooms, or at the minimum wage), but God gave you the health, strength, and mental clarity.

Whatever way your success came, define success as favor from God — a gift to be respected, held lightly, and guarded with integrity, hard work, and compassion. Then you will know in your heart that it isn’t about you. It’s about knowing who gave you your talent, and that you are called to something bigger than yourself. God is in favor of our dreams coming to pass — if our dreams honor Him and help people.

May he grant your heart’s desires and make all your plans succeed (Ps. 20:4; NLT).

Moses was one of the greatest leaders in history. He prayed, “And may the Lord our God show us his approval and make our efforts successful. Yes, make our efforts successful!” (Ps. 90:17; NLT).

We can give our goals to God and ask Him to open and close doors, trust Him to give us favor. We can ask Him to stop anything that is not good for us (or others) and help us do what we do in ways that will honor Him.

Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed (Prov. 16:3; NLT).

God will give you wisdom to be good at what you do. He will help you know what you need to improve and give you insight into how you can make something work that is not working.

Using a dull ax requires great strength, so sharpen the blade. That’s the value of wisdom; it helps you succeed (Eccles. 10:10; NLT).

Doing your “homework,” listening to others, actually seeking out wise counsel, and going to people that have “been there and done that” is a good thing. We can’t afford to think that we don’t need the wisdom of others. Remember, “Plans go wrong for lack of advice; many advisers bring success” (Prov. 15:22; NLT).

Your success, accomplishments, intelligence, authority, and healthy abilities are all gifts. We need to guard this precious trust with humility and treat it with tenderness and care.

Isaiah says, “Lord …all we have accomplished is really from you” (Isa. 26:12; NLT).

Remember:

- You are not above the rules.

- We all need accountability.

- Don’t let success intoxicate you.

- Your gifts, abilities, and influence are a sacred trust.

Endnotes

14-1. D. Ludwig and C. Longenecker, “The Bathsheba Syndrome: The Ethical Failure of Successful Leaders,” Journal of Business Ethics, vol. 12 (1993): p. 265–273.

14-2. http://politico.com/news/stories/0808/12405.html.

14-3. Jill Lawrence, “Past Sex Scandals’ Lessons Go Unheeded,” USA Today (August 11, 2008): p. 5A.

14-4. John Antonakis, Anna T. Cianciolo, and Robert J. Sternberg, editors, The Nature of Leadership (Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications, 2004), p. 323.

14-5. Jill Lawrence, “Past Sex Scandal’s Lessons Go Unheeded,” USA Today (August 11, 2008): p. 5A.

14-6. Ibid.

14-7. Bob Dylan, “Gotta Serve Somebody.”

14-8. http://wussu.com/laotzu/laotzu24.html.

14-9. Debbie Kelley, “Author Criticizes 'Egocentric Leadership,’ ” Colorado Springs Gazette, August 12, 2005.

14-10. Ibid.

14-11. Ibid.

14-12. Ibid.

How to be Successful When You Feel UNsuccessful

Chapter 15

The Lord has honored me, and my God has given me strength (Isa. 49:5; NLT).

Last Conversations

Over the years, I’ve been with many people within hours of their death. They are grateful, angry, afraid, and hopeful. I cherish the time and conversations with these people. I had the privilege of having this kind of conversation with both my mother and father. When we were alone we talked about life, some of its complications and misunderstandings, my life calling, and other personal issues. We talked about Jesus, heaven, and how someday we would be together there. Both of my parents seemed to know that our conversation would be one of the last, and we felt a sense of completeness and peace. I know this experience is not common. Many of us look back and wish we would have had this kind of opportunity. Many look forward and want to put this time off. The end of our loved ones and our lives is inevitable. Our time on earth will end. There will be those final hours, last words, and eulogies — then what? How will success in our lives be defined? At that point, how will we feel about our lives?

Here are some last words of famous people:

“No.” — Alexander Graham Bell (1847–1922)

“Friends applaud, the comedy is over.”

— Ludwig van Beethoven (1770–1827)

“I see heaven open and Jesus on the right hand of God.”

— Thomas Cranmer, Archbishop of Canterbury (1489–1556)

“ 'Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.’ He fell to his knees, shouting, 'Lord, don’t charge them with this sin!’ ” (Acts 7:59–60; NLT).

—Stephen (the first martyr of the Christian church)

“Father, I entrust my spirit into your hands!” (Luke 23:46; NLT).

“It is finished!” (John 19:30; NLT).

— Jesus

Most people have a eulogy — words that are said by a loved one, friend, or someone who knew them. Most have an epitaph — a few words that are written on a person’s tomb or on a plaque.

What will your last intelligent conversation be? What will another person (family, friend, or someone who knew you) say about you? In one word (or a few words), what will be written on your plaque?

If you had the unusual opportunity to look back over your life and know how others would define it (after it was over), how would you change your daily goals, decisions, relationships, and opinions about living a successful life?

Permit me to offer a few things that I feel will help you think about reprioritizing who you are and what you do as you examine your success.

Only a few things will really matter at the end of your life. I would like to highlight some thoughts that multitudes of people have discovered.

There are three basic ways that many commonly evaluate success: how we look (physical appearance, the clothing we wear), what we own (wealth, material things, land, houses, and businesses), what we have done (accomplishments, positions held, prestige, power, education, or service).

Many have discovered that over the long run these things haven’t worked. We might feel satisfaction for a period of time, but inside they haven’t hit the mark, because these areas are largely undependable sources of success. There are many who had the privilege of defining and living in dependable sources of success. Let me explain.

Undependable Sources of Success

• How we look

There is a myth that tells us, “If I look good, I must be successful.” There is nothing wrong with designer clothes, cars, great homes, and exquisite neighborhoods, but if we live by the opinion that our success depends on how we look, most of us will live long enough to discover that this simply isn’t the case. Looks have a way of changing.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting (Prov. 31:30).

As life goes on, we get older and our bodies begin to wear down. Though we might become wiser, more tolerant, and more understanding, we have less energy, less strength, more need to pay attention to our physical self. Our things wear out and so do we.

If our success is built on how we look, then will it just fade away or wear out?

Notice, as you get older, the comments that people who have known you make:

“Hey, you look good.”

“You lost weight. Are you okay?”

“Do you still work out? Can you still exercise as much as you did?”

All of these comments are wonderful to hear from well-meaning people, but these types of comments likely don’t come when we are in our 20s, 30s, or 40s. It is a futile thing to define our success by how we look because looks change. Our metabolism changes, we have to work harder to stay in physical condition, and we notice that our bodies don’t look the way they once did. Many discover that their success needs to be defined by something deeper than physical appearance.

Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart (1 Sam. 16:7).

• What we own

What is highly valued among men is detestable in God’s sight (Luke 16:15).

We can’t base our confidence on what we own, either. Our cars, homes, business, wealth, portfolio, and properties can quickly go away, and we need to understand that these properties or things cannot be taken to the grave.

The economic crisis in 2008 and 2009 has taken much of the financial security from people all over the world. Housing prices dropped radically when “the bubble” broke in many states in the United States. People became upside-down with their mortgages (when they owe more on the home than its value). The news that an unscrupulous investor lost 50 billion dollars that his trusting clients placed in his hands rocked Wall Street. Money that was in 401ks disappeared overnight.

We can lose what we have by mismanagement, by someone else’s bad decisions, by wear and tear, or, eventually, by someone inheriting it. Basing our success on material possessions is shallow. Having enough finances and possessions is important, but many believe that money is how we keep score. It’s a bad way to define success.

Hope in riches will come to nothing (Prov. 11:7; NCV).

• What we have done

If we base our opinions of success on our intelligence, physical ability, the money we earn, or what we own, we will get to a point where our definition isn’t complete. Perhaps, not even close.

My wife and I have been members of the YMCA for years. One of our fun (sometimes not so fun!) times is simply to go to the “Y” for an hour or two and do our prescribed workouts. It is helpful, we feel better, but it’s an effort to stay disciplined. We also like to learn, take classes, and go to seminars and listen to people who have expertise on a subject. Often we are asked to speak at these events, and one of the perks is that we get to listen to other speakers who have a lot to say.

There is nothing wrong with earning or growing our money. In fact, this is part of what we must do in our career, our business, and even what we intend to pass on to our children. But how much money is enough? How do we determine that? Does more mean more success? Does less mean less success? I don’t think so.

Whoever loves money never has money enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income (Eccles. 5:10).

Many of us have had bad experiences with depending on our looks, what we’ve accumulated, and what we’ve done. As a result, you might be angry at your life and how it’s turning out. Perhaps you’re mad at life because you feel that you didn’t get any breaks, didn’t have the right people in your life, and don’t see any opportunities in the future.

If we trust in our experiences, the people we know or will know, our money, our power, or our position, then many of us will go through times where we blame someone else or something else for our misfortune. If we view life in this way, we all have something or someone to blame for our losses in life. Circumstances, family, our boss, people who misrepresented or slandered us, the wrong college, and our bad luck are common culprits. These are all undependable ways to give us security and success.

A Different Perspective on Success

At any time, we have the ability to begin looking at dependable sources for success. We can shift from the undependable and begin to discover the solid truths of real success, real happiness, and a sense of completeness. With this comes greater fulfillment, and we live with much less fear of the opinions of others, or concerns about what we don’t own or how we don’t look as good as we used to.

Thus says the Lord: “Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me” (Jer. 9:23–24; ESV).

We can change from “the blame game” to a life of trust in our Creator and in His unique blessings for our life. We can look for opportunities to be successful in ways that will not only help us, but will significantly help those we love and the world we live in. Our attitude changes from being served to serving. We create opportunities when we can’t find them, and we look for open doors to make healthy differences in our lives, our communities, our world, and with those we love.

George Bernard Shaw said, “People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who go on in the world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they can’t find them, make them.”[1]

Dependable Sources of Success

1. God has made you unique.

Many people haven’t slowed life down enough to discover their uniqueness. Because you were made by God you have a unique dignity, value, and worth.

What is man…. You have made him but a little lower than God, and You have crowned him with glory and honor (Ps. 8:4–5; Amp.).

Most of us look at others and try to become like them. All of us have people we respect, heroes, and others we look up to. And we should let people influence us for good, give us wisdom, good advice, and good counsel. But if we are only trying to be like someone else, we are making one of the greatest mistakes in life. We are not being us.

I’ve sensed that most people are patterning a large part of their lives by imitating another person. This insecurity will only take potential and uniqueness from us. Stop trying to be like someone else and be who you are. God made you to be you and there is no one like you in the whole world. Nobody can be you as well as you can.

In his book, On Becoming a Leader, Warren Bennis discusses how leaders are originals and not copies. To be an original, a leader must know and understand what and who he is: “Leaders have nothing but themselves to work with …we are our own raw material. Only when we know what we’re made of and what we want to make of it can we begin our lives — and we must do it despite an unwitting conspiracy of people and events against us…. To become a leader, then, you must become yourself, become the maker of your own life…. Know thyself, then, means separating who you are and who you want to be from what the world thinks you are and wants you to be…. Until you make your life your own, you’re walking around in borrowed clothes.”[2]

The key to success is to find your authenticity and to be true to it. Shakespeare conveyed a basic truth when he said, “Know thyself, and to thine own self be true, then thou canst not be false with any man.”[3]

It’s a fact that your DNA, personality, abilities, gifts, and talents cannot be duplicated. You are wired differently than other humans. All together, along with knowledge of Who created you and a heart that wants to do the right thing, you have abilities that no one has ever had.

I understand that the chances of anyone being like you are 10 with two billion, four hundred million zeros behind it. What is the likelihood of anyone genetically being put together exactly like you?

Impossible.

You are not your father, mother, brother, sister, cousin, or friend. You’re not Warren Buffet — or Mother Theresa.

We find our identity in knowing and having a relationship with our Creator. That relationship alone will give you an appreciation of who you are in your uniqueness, and help you understand your unique dream of success in life.

For You [God] did form my inward parts; you did knit me together in my mother’s womb (Ps. 139:13; Amp.).

No One Is an Accident

God created you in His image and His creativity can be part of your life. Being who you are, using your God-given gifts, and serving people in ways that only you can will bring fulfillment throughout life.

There’s an old Hasidic saying that relates to the tendency of many well-meaning people to want to be someone else, and the importance of finding our true, unique, and worthy self.

Rabbi Zusya, when he was an old man, said, “In the coming world, they will not ask me: 'Why were you not Moses?’

“Rather, they will ask me: 'Why were you not Zusya?’ ”[4]

Why did God go to all the trouble to make you absolutely unique? Because He wanted you to know that “YOU are special.”

2. God has placed great value on you.

God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners (Rom. 5:8; NLT).

How can you get God to like you and want to bless your life? You can’t; He already does. And He has a reason for everything He does.

One of the most important questions that you will ever ask yourself is, “Do I really matter to anybody?” How you answer this question will affect every area of your life. If you think that you don’t matter to anybody, then you’re going to act like you don’t matter. You will be unsuccessful, unsatisfied, and unfulfilled.

The correct answer to the question should be, “No matter what anyone thinks of you, or what you have accomplished, or however you feel that you have succeeded or failed in life, you matter to God.” You are important to God and He wants you to know that. If you matter to God, then you can know that He will help you through whatever roadblocks you encounter. He will be with you as you desire to make a difference.

I’ve met with very poor people in Third World countries who have discovered this simple (but profound) truth and they have a sense of fulfillment that is hard for most Americans to understand. They have a knowledge that the One who really matters is “with them.” I’ve also had opportunities to be with government leaders, wealthy businesspeople, and those who have incredible minds and insights, who also know the one simple fact that God deeply loves them. These people don’t look to undependable things to determine their value; they have found something of much more value. They matter to the One who really matters.

God paid a ransom to save you…. The ransom he paid …was the precious blood of Christ (1 Pet. 1:18–19; NLT).

If God paid a ransom for you with the blood of His Son Jesus Christ, then there is no concept that is more important to understand in your life. God gave His most valuable possession to ransom you. You can define your value by that truth.

3. God has a unique success plan for your life.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jer. 29:11; NIV).

God has given you the ability to understand that He not only created you as a unique person, but He will give you unique dreams, goals, gifts, and abilities to do what He will ask of you.

There are different kinds of spiritual gifts, but the same Spirit is the source of them all (1 Cor. 12:4; NLT).

Many people give up on their unique dreams because they might have failed or been unsuccessful in a past attempt. They let other people discourage them, and let negative comments haunt their thinking. Lots of young people give up on a dream, invention, or idea because their parent, teacher, or friend said, “It can’t be done” or “Do something normal!” Other peoples’ words, comments, and fears can steal our dreams — if we let them.

It’s amazing how we let others tell us what to do with our lives, especially when we should be getting that advice from the One who created us. We also sometimes let others influence us about how to treat people, and someone else’s opinions often form our attitudes about others.

You might have heard of an experiment called the Pygmalion Effect. In this test, 25 grade school teachers were told their students were underachievers and had apathetic families. Another 25 were told their students were high achievers from supportive families.

The test scores of the “underachievers” dropped by 25 points, while the scores of the “overachievers” increased by 50 points. However, the students had been randomly selected for the two groups. All factors were equally distributed; the only difference was the expectations of the teachers. When a teacher expected more from the perceived overachiever, the student did better. When the teacher expected less from the students they thought were underachievers, those students did worse.

Imagine if we treated our children, spouse, employees, employers, the handicapped, the poor, etc., with the belief that everyone had incredible God-given potential, value, and unique gifts. I predict our ability to help and bless people would climb dramatically.

God views you as an overachiever. Your personal uniqueness, your special calling in life, your mistakes, your failures, and even your past sins can be used to help you understand His love for you. He wants to continually help you discover your gifts and develop a sense of calling in life.

We are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do (Eph. 2:10).

King David said, “You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous” (Ps. 139:13–14; NLT).

The prophet Jeremiah understood his value in God: “I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you” (Jer. 1:5; NLT).

You have been made “wonderfully complex, marvelous,” and have also been “appointed.” Discovering your uniqueness and being who you were created to be is part of discovering your success in life.

Henry David Thoreau said, “I learned this, at least, by my experiment: that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or the old laws be expanded, and interpreted in his favor in a more liberal sense, and he will live with the license of a higher order of beings…. If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.”[5]

Everyone has it within his power to say, this I am today; that I will be tomorrow.[6]

— Louis L’Amour

Don’t be afraid of being who you are. Take the time to think about it. Ask God to show you His thoughts about your potential and give you your dream for what you do and who you are. Finding your place in life by following God’s plan for your life is the key.

Live out your imagination, not your history.[7]

— Stephen Covey

The Most Important Relationship in Life

Psychology and sociology teach us that most of our self-esteem, most of our self-worth, and most of our self-confidence come from our relationships. In fact, it has been discovered that one of the reasons some businesses and churches grow is because they are really good at helping people develop relationships.

Our sense of well-being that is largely impacted by relationships is the reason we like to shop at certain stores, go to certain churches, have specific friends, and enjoy some things or people more than others. These people know our name, remember us from last time, give us encouragement, faith, courage, forgiveness, kindness, and a sense that we matter.

Your most important relationship is your relationship with God. You matter to Him. Your life matters; your family, children, business, church, personal issues, concerns, and fears matter to Him.

How you will define success depends on the value you have placed on the dependable sources in your life.

The closer you get in your relationship to God, the more confident you should be and the more successful you should feel. How you feel will not be based on how you look, what you own, or what you have achieved.

The further you drift from God, the more insecure and unsuccessful you’re going to feel.

The reason? He wants you to know that you are special. You have meaning. All you are and whatever you accomplish depend on His unique blessings on your life. You might have a great business plan, tremendous people skills, inherited or earned money or things, but your sense of fulfillment and success comes from Him. With that knowledge, you will understand your real value and uniqueness.

Want to be a more successful person? Accept the fact that God made you, and He will help you understand your uniqueness and your success. You can choose to build your life on dependable sources and with a sense that your accomplishments, possessions, relationships, successes, failures, and mistakes will all be used to help you be all you were created to be.

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is — his good, pleasing and perfect will (Rom. 12:2).

Make a deeper relationship with Jesus Christ the number-one goal in your life.

May our Lord Jesus Christ …comfort you and strengthen you in every good thing you do and say (2 Thess. 2:17; NLT).

Your Eulogy

If you build your life on dependable sources, what will God’s eulogy be for you when you finally meet Him after you have left this temporary life?

Will it be . . .

Well done, my good and faithful servant. You have been faithful in handling this small amount, so now I will give you many more responsibilities. Let’s celebrate together! (Matt. 25:21; NLT).

Endnotes

15-1. http://quotationspage.com/quote/267.

15-2. Warren Bennis, On Becoming a Leader (Cambridge, MA: Perseus Pub., 2003).

15-3. William Shakespeare, Hamlet.

15-4. “Rabbi Zusya’s Question: Reflections of a Midlife Boomer,” by Harry R. Moody, http://agingtoday.org/at/at-231/Zuysa.html.

15-5. http://thinkexist.com/quotes/with/keyword/confidently/.

15-6. http://famousquotesandauthors.com/authors/louis_1_amour_quotes.html.

15-7. http://brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/s/stephen_covey.html.

About the Author

Dr. Wayde Goodall’s career has spanned several decades and continents. He is currently the head of World Wide Family. He has authored and co-authored 14 books that are in numerous languages. He is a frequently requested speaker and life and leadership coach. Wayde and his wife, Rosalyn, live in Colorado Springs, Colorado.

• He can be contacted through: www.worldwidefamily.org

• His blog site is: successkills.wordpress.com

Table of Contents

Preface

1. What Is Success?

2. The Fear of Success

3. Preoccupied with “Me”

4. Balanced Egos

5. What Is “Moral” North?

6. Demonstrating Conviction

7. The Work Ethic and Other Truths That Make Your Life Work

8. Hurt People …Hurt People

9. The Gift of Adversity — the Sandpaper of Life

10. Failure — Friend or Foe?

11. Learn from Others’ (or Our) Mistakes

12. Getting It Right

13. Your Definition of Success

14. Why People Fear “Successful Leaders”

15. How to Be Successful When You Feel Unsuccessful

About the Author