Why Pastors Quit

By Bo Lane

I know Bo. And I like him. For a number of years now, Bo and I have been friends and partners in Kingdom efforts and I have come to appreciate, among so many other things, his sensitivity and creativity. Bo is a person that is sensitive to the Lord and to His people. His gentleness and compassion are evident. So is his creativity. He’s always got a new book, website, song or video in the works. You are holding one such project. I commend this project to you, but more than that, I commend Bo Lane to you. I think you’ll like him too.

—John Fehlen, Lead Pastor

West Salem Foursquare Church, Salem, Oregon

Bo Lane is willing to go where few other writers dare to venture. I applaud his passion in addressing an essential topic with fierce courage and utmost sincerity. The Church needs more dialogue on this emerging trend.

—Kary Oberbrunner, Author of Your Secret Name,

The Deeper Path, and Day Job to Dream Job

This book is a quick read with a deep message: God cares about us, and not just our job descriptions. Though I’ll certainly encourage my expastor friends to find comfort and encouragement in this book, I’m also prepared to challenge anyone in full-time ministry to read and heed Bo’s words here, because the lesson is so rich for us all—life with Jesus, as well as personal and family health, is more important to our identity than which church we are assigned to, or where we get a paycheck.

—Tim Clark, Lead Pastor

The Church On The Way, Van Nuys, California.

Bo is the real deal! He has walked the walk that expastors experience during times of transitions out of full-time Christian Ministry. His love for God is deep and he has a genuine love for the church. Bo knows how to help pastors discover that there is life after public ministry. Reading this will enable you to maneuver through the obstacles of venturing out of ministry safely.

—Bob Claxton, Professional Speaker, Coach and Trainer, Former Pastor of nearly 30 years

This book is dedicated to anyone who has served in ministry.

To pastors, evangelists, and those in-between,

I commend you for your service to the Lord.

And to my wife, Melissa. For your faithfulness to me,

even throughout the most challenging times.

Thank you for loving me like you do.

FOREWORD

I think we can agree that being a pastor is more noble than being a convict. But announce that you are a former pastor and there will be raised eyebrows and whispers as though you had identified yourself as a former convict. Likely, either will elicit a silent response as they think, “I wonder what he did.”

If you’re a former pastor you’re at least a curiosity to unchurched people. Among church people the assumption about you is likely to fall in one or more of the following categories:

You committed some terrible sin and were either forced to resign or were fired.

You are weak and couldn’t handle the heat in the kitchen so you gave up.

You rejected your calling and left ministry for secular work.

Unless you are 65+ years old and retired from ministry, being a former pastor seems to be an indictment of your character, your faith & perseverance, and/or your obedience to God. Regardless, you didn’t finish the race. You either quit or got disqualified; and both are disgraceful. Actually, neither are disgraceful but that’s how you feel, isn’t it?

If you’re a former pastor then you’re an expastor, which sounds like you are a divorcee. Ask almost anyone who has been through a divorce, and whether they wanted the divorce or resisted it, it made them feel like a failure at marriage. Most people go into pastoral ministry with a vow (or at least with a mindset) of till-death-do-us part. Not retiring from the pulpit or dying in it can feel like failure—even though it can also produce a feeling of relief.

In Israel during the time of Jesus there was no greater position in the Jewish community than the rabbi. There was nothing you could have done vocationally that would have made your parents more proud. If you were a rabbi there was nowhere to go but down as a second career.

Likewise it can be difficult for clergy to leave the ministry (for whatever reason) for another vocation without feeling that it requires great explanation and probably apology of some sort. As one deacon told a burned out pastor after he resigned, “You’re not only letting this church down, you’re letting Jesus down.” And that’s the real blow.

As one assistant pastor told me, “I not only feel like I had to leave the ministry for my own physical, emotional, spiritual, and marital survival; and not only do I not know what I will do next because ministry is all I’ve ever done and all I know how to do; on top of all that I have the weight of hearing and feeling that I’m a huge disappointment to God.”

The well-hidden and well-documented epidemic of clergy leaving the ministry (see Chapter 1) and the injury, wounds, pain, and scars known by former pastors makes a book like this one so very important and helpful.

Whether you are a lead pastor or an assistant pastor; whether you are young in the ministry or a battle-scarred veteran; whether you have already left the ministry or are considering it; whether you left your church voluntarily or were asked/forced to leave; whether you long to return to pastoral ministry or are intent in fleeing in the opposite direction….this book is for you.

Been There

I had served as an assistant pastor in large churches for almost 20 years when I moved to the largest of the churches—a growing mega-church outside Nashville, TN. Leading up to this, I was working alongside the staff and the loving congregation of a church in South Carolina. When we moved there I envisioned ministering in this church until my retirement which was decades removed. The pastor and I were childhood friends. This was going to be great! And it was… for a while. In retrospect, I was ripe for a crash.

As a marriage & family therapist coming out of grad school (I had never planned on being a pastor) I had always viewed the system of a church staff as being very similar to the system of a family. Churches and a church staff are either healthy and effective; or they are unhealthy and dysfunctional.

I was struggling to hold on as other associate staff members had either left or were considering it. The senior pastor was steadily losing the respect and trust of the congregation and the associate staff had formed a survivor support group of sorts. But it was a life raft with punctured holes from which hope and perseverance were leaking out. A wise church leader who knew about our drama and dynamics said the pivotal words to me, “Ramon, how long do you think that you can stay healthy in an unhealthy system that isn’t going to change?”

I knew the system was not going to change without a change in leadership. As long as the senior pastor stayed, this is how it would be…or worse. I had very strong convictions about not creating division so I left quietly and graciously. But I left reluctantly and was in great pain when we moved to Nashville.

The unfinished business of grief, the stress of relocation and starting over, and the demands of a large growing church that measured every kind of growth statistic imaginable were for me the perfect storm that ripped my sails and overturned my boat. When it finally sank I was admitted to the hospital for severe depression and anxiety.

The church was gracious in giving me a 3-month medical leave and I did my best to return. I knew I needed to make this work. Emotionally, I wasn’t up to another move. I came back and did my best but apparently my numbers didn’t meet the quota and I was invited to find other employment. That’s when I elected to return to my original career as a Christian counselor and have been in private practice in the Nashville area ever since.

I know what it feels like to leave a church voluntarily but reluctantly; and I know what it feels like to be shown the door when the offer of a severance package feels like a game show host saying, “Thanks for being on our show; we have some lovely parting gifts for you.” Since then I have met a multitude of assistant pastors, worship leaders, and associate staff members, who have had a similar experience. I’ve talked with senior pastors worn down by unreasonable expectations and criticism till the brake pads were gone and the sound of the heart and the spirit was just metal on metal.

Senior Pastors Are From Mars

Associates Are From Venus

Several years ago I wrote an article titled “Senior Pastors Are From Jerusalem, Associates Are From Antioch,” a clear nod to the popular “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus”—a book about the differences between men and women and how to understand, navigate, and negotiate those differences in a relationship.

One of the points I made in my article is that most senior or lead pastors have never been an assistant pastor; and most assistant pastors have never been a senior or lead pastor. Right out of seminary many (male) graduates accept a call to lead a small church, establishing their seat on the lead-pastor-track with no detours—the only variable being, the size and number of churches. Consequently most senior pastors have no experiential idea what it feels like to be an associate staff member.

Likewise, very few assistant pastors, myself included, have never served as a senior pastor. We are clueless what is really involved in being the lead dog. How does a 45-year-old, married senior pastor with a PhD in systematic theology and a 32-year-old, single, female children’s director (who left the public school system for this job) understand each other? How can he know the unique challenges she is facing and what she needs from him? How can she possibly grasp the actual daily burden of the senior pastorate and what he needs from her? From the dual strive and stress to work together, with both prone to feeling misunderstood and unappreciated, many pastoral staffs suffer from a lack of trust and unity.

The author of The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, Patrick Lencioni, declares that the first dysfunction of a team is the absence of trust. He goes on to say that the failure to establish trust is very costly and “as a result, the morale on a distrusting team is usually quite low and turnover is high.”

Marcus Buckingham and Curt Coffman, authors of the best seller First Break All the Rules, distill their findings on what the world’s most effective managers do differently. Through in-depth interviews conducted by Gallup, a top research-based consulting company, these authors extracted a vital principle that holds true not only at First Union National Bank but at First United Methodist Church: People do not leave organizations; people leave leaders.

“The overall health of any church or ministry depends primarily on the emotional and spiritual health of its leadership,” writes pastor Peter Scazzero, author of Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, which I highly recommend reading, whatever stage of present or former ministry you are in.

Bo Knows

In this book you are holding you are going to hear its author, Bo Lane, emphasize your vital need to not just recover from a recent setback or ministry wound but to become and stay emotionally and spiritually healthy. As a pastor and therapist I cannot agree more. Whether you return to pastoral ministry or not, becoming emotionally and spiritually healthy is the best thing you can do for yourself and your family…and yes for a congregation if you return to pastoring. And for some of you, your background or baggage will tell you that means recharging your spiritual commitment and ramping up your spiritual disciplines. I’m certainly an advocate of spiritual disciplines but they’re not a cure-all; and sometimes the admonishment to an emotionally and spiritually wounded person to do more activity is the equivalent of a surgeon telling a person with a compound fracture of his tibia that he just needs to run more.

Henri Nouwen said that “we are all wounded healers.” Bo Lane also knows what being in exile from pastoral ministry feels like. He wants you to know that you’re not alone. And while it is a powerful and comforting thing to feel understood, you are also looking for some answers and some guidance. Well-researched and well-written, this book offers practical help to the reader who is asking, “Now what? Where do I go from here?”

Sure, the expastor has to find new work to do outside of ministry, at least temporarily. But there is also work to do deep on the inside where discovery, clarity, and healing takes place. Why Pastors Quit is a map for that journey. The book is brief, so it’s easy to read because emotionally you’re probably not up to reading an exhaustive encyclopedia on every possible aspect of being a former minister.

When you unpacked your new computer, in addition to the thick, owner’s manual you found, you likely also found a brief, easier-to-read start-up booklet. Its purpose was to reduce your confusion and frustration and get your computer up and running, enabling you to get working in basic programs quickly. Why Pastors Quit is a start-up guide to get you moving and doing the basics—the basics necessary to get you unstuck from indecision, inactivity, or indifference; to dislodge you from the constant negative attitudes and emotions that keep you immobilized.

May God use this book to comfort you where you need to be comforted, reassure you where you need reassurance, and to give you a kick in the pants when that’s the prescription needed. And regardless of whether or not you ever go back into full-time or part-time ministry, remember that you ARE a minister wherever you live and work. You are an ambassador of Christ, a servant entrusted with talents; and whatever your “congregation” looks like they need you to be faithful. You are a part of a bigger Kingdom and the good King desires your service.

- Ramon Presson, PhD

Author of When Will My Life Not Suck? Authentic Hope for the Disillusioned

INTRODUCTION

WHAT’S YOUR STORY

My great-grandmother passed away when I was in my early twenties. She was fortunate enough to live a long and full life. But not a life without its difficulties. Grandma Margie, as I always referred to her, suffered from Alzheimer’s disease for as long as I could remember.

It was difficult communicating with her at times, especially when she barely remembered what had happened just a few hours, and even just a few minutes, earlier. I grew to expect repeated questions and being called every other person’s name but my own. But, despite of how challenging it was to talk with her at times, she held onto something no disease could ever take away ... almost one hundred years of great stories.

I’ve always been captivated by stories. And my great-grandmother had many of them to share.

Although her life spanned such events as both World Wars, the Great Depression, and the Civil Rights Movement, there was one story that surpassed them all. It was the day she made a decision to follow and devote the entirety of her life to Jesus Christ.

I’ve been fortunate enough to hear many stories of life transformation. I’ve been fortunate enough to have filmed stories from many individuals who have taken their next right step and have decided to put Jesus in the forefront of their own life. It’s a big decision. Actually, it’s the biggest, and by far the greatest, decision anyone could ever make.

But, if I’m being totally honest, sometimes sharing our stories isn’t easy because life isn’t easy. It’s often messy and full of hurt and anger and brokenness and sin. But as challenging as it may be to share our story with others, it’s equally as difficult to keep it trapped within.

Maya Angelou once wrote^1, “A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.”

If you’ve made a decision to follow Jesus, it really comes down to this: You’re an ordinary person who has been transformed, and are being transformed, by an extraordinary God. He turns your ordinary story into something extraordinary and, regardless of the hurt and the mess, that untold story within you begs to be told.

There are countless individuals out there who need to hear it. They need to hear what we’ve gone through and the work God is doing in your life along the way.

My great-grandma won’t be remembered by the disease that plagued her life for numerous years but, instead, by the stories that filled her heart.

She may have forgotten most of the names of her family members and friends, but she never forgot about what Jesus did in her life. She shared it with me and I’m confident, if she were here today, she’d share it with you as well.

And that’s why I wrote this book. Because all of us, regardless of our past or present, have a story to share.

Neil Gaiman, British novelist said it well: “The one thing that you have that nobody else has is you. Your voice, your mind, your story, your vision. So write and draw and build and play and dance and live as only you can.”2

Maybe you’ve served as a pastor at one point or maybe you’re currently in full-time ministry but you’re looking for a way out. Maybe you know someone close to you, a family member or a friend, who was hurt by ministry and you’re trying to help them make sense of it all. Whatever the case, there is a story and it needs to be told.

Sometimes that story can get a little messy. But, regardless, there are individuals out there who need to hear what we’ve gone through, what we’re going through, and what we’re learning along the way.

We truly don’t understand how much value our story has until we actually start sharing it – it’s like gold in the hands of the poor, food in the belly of the hungry, water on the lips of the thirsty. And, as dramatic as it sounds, it could potentially be the catalyst in helping someone come to their very own relationship with Jesus and change the course of their lives forever.

I encourage you to stand up, tell your story – whether one on one, or on film, or on paper. It’s living out what Peter clearly outlined as our responsibility as believers in Christ^3.

These few ideas might make the process a bit easier:

Write it down.

Randy Newman wrote a great article^4 on The Gospel Coalition’s website in which he addressed writing down your story: “There’s nothing like writing things down to move toward clarity. Even though you’ll eventually deliver this message orally (without written notes), the starting point should be in writing.”

When I film testimonials, I often require individuals to first write down their story so they have an idea of what they want to share and how they want to share it.

Ask a friend.

Send what you’ve written to a friend and ask them to review it. Specifically, ask them if what you’ve written flows well, brings clarity and glory to God.

Courtney Chowning, from FaithfulBloggers.com, wrote^5: “Your testimony gives hope to everyone who reads it.

Even if your testimony is not that exciting (to you) it will be encouraging and hopeful to someone who reads it.”

Rewrite your story.

Take the advice of your close friends and rewrite your story. Include points that specifically communicate what God has done in your life.

Practice sharing it.

After you’ve written, edited, and rewritten (and are comfortable with what you’ve written), practice. Or, as Toastmasters International^6 puts it, “Practice. Practice. Practice!”

Michael Hyatt, author of Platform: Get Noticed in a Noisy World, has some great advice^7 on improving your public speaking as well – which can easily be applied to sharing your testimony.

And I’d say just open up your laptop, turn on your webcam, and record yourself sharing your story. Record it a few times or as many times as you need. And as silly as it sounds, this is one of the easiest ways to learn how to communicate. Practice makes perfect – as they say – and if you practice long enough, sharing your story will become second nature to you.

Share it.

Find a friend or two or ten and tell them your story.

Or find someone to film it. Or after you’ve written it down, share it on your blog or on your favorite social media outlet. To quote my earlier reference, “…it will be encouraging and hopeful to someone who reads it.”

As you read through this book, I’d like you to consider your own story and where you fit in.

____________________

1 Maya Angelou, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings (New York: Random House, 1969)

2 The University of the Arts in Philadelphia, Neil Gaiman: Keynote Address 2012, http://www.uarts.edu/neil-gaiman-keynote-address-2012 (May 17, 2012).

3 See 1 Peter 3:15a

4 Randy Newman, Don’t Just Share Your Testimony, http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tgc/2012/11/14/dont-just-share-your-testimony/ (2012)

5 Courtney Chowning, Share Your Testimony: Why it’s Important, http://faithfulbloggers.com/share-your-testimony-why-its-important/ (2011)

6 Toastmasters International, 10 Tips for Public Speaking, http://www.toastmasters.org/tips.asp

7 Michael Hyatt, How to Improve Your Public Speaking by Practicing Out Loud, http://michaelhyatt.com/how-to-improve-your-public-speaking-by-practicing-out-loud.html (May 2011)

Copyright © 2014 by Bo Lane. All rights reserved.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Lane, Bo

Why Pastors Quit : and what we can do to change the statistics / Bo Lane,

Rev. Ed. of: Losing My Religion / Bo Lane. c2013

p. cm.

ISBN-13: 978-1497410893

ISBN-10: 1497410894

1. Church renewal. 2. Church-Bibical teaching. 3. Pastoral counseling.

4. Clergy-Religious life. I. Title.

Printed in the United States

TABLE OF CONTENTS

CHAPTERS

Foreword by Dr. Ramon Presson

Introduction: What’s Your Story?

Why Do So Many Pastors Leave the Ministry?

What is the Expastor?

What Do I Do Now?

Am I Ready for Ministry Again?

How Do We Move Past Our Hurt?

What Can Pastors Do to Stay Healthy?

How Can We Pray for our Pastors?

“I am looking to quit being a pastor. I am also leaving for ongoing conflicts between the senior pastor and myself. Our church has been on a steady decline with no end in sight, we have about maybe 10 people in the entire church that want to be involved and serve. Everyone else screams “feed me” on Sunday morning and goes home for the rest of the week. The senior pastor is cutting one program after the other and at this point we have no outreach at all and no programs to offer people when they come through our doors. If I wasn’t the pastor, I wouldn’t come to our church either. It’s very sad, but I can honestly say that I was closer to God before I became a pastor. I want to go on serving God, but just not as a pastor anymore.”

- ANONYMOUS

CHAPTER ONE

WHY DO SO MANY PASTORS LEAVE THE MINISTRY?

As we were driving home the other day, my wife, Melissa, made a passing comment that caused me to reflect on my time as a pastor. She said, “God called you to be a pastor.” Before I thought twice, I blurted out a response: “But did He really?”

Melissa leaned back, as if God was about to strike our car with lightening and send me down to a fiery pit of eternal damnation. I smiled.

“Maybe God make a mistake,” I said, “or maybe I was just listening to all the wrong voices.”

Growing up, I was a typical church kid. I said all the right things. I listened to all the sermons. I went to all the classes and volunteered wherever I was needed most. I joined the worship team at the age of twelve and was highly active in our small, but dedicated, youth group.

But on the inside, regardless of my involvement, nothing much was happening – nothing was really connecting deep within me so, I faked it. For quite some time, actually. And I was pretty good at faking it too. Or so I thought.

I wanted people to think that I was a good kid who had a good relationship with Jesus. But that wasn’t the case at all. I was a self-centered young man who cared more about what people thought of me than what God thought of me. I cared more about disappointing others than I cared about disappointing God.

But eventually (and thankfully) there came a time when the inner me and the external me collided. I was faced with a question: “Who are you living for?”

At the age of seventeen, sitting on the edge of my bed, I made the decision to follow Jesus and devote the entirety of my life to him. I made the decision to drop the hoax and start my own journey toward Jesus. From that moment on, I was like the Cookie Monster, trying to devour as much as I could as fast as I could.

And, for the first time in my life, I cared about Jesus.

Around that same time, I found myself in a unique situation. Within the course of two months, four different people approached me, at completely random times, with these words: “I feel God is calling you to be a pastor.”

One of those times in particular came when a guest – a pastor of a church in Wyoming – was visiting our church. During the middle of his message, he stopped, turned to where I was sitting, looked directly at me and echoed those same words: “Son, God is calling you to be a pastor.”

Right in the middle of his sermon. In a room full of people. He stopped and turned and looked at me and called me out. And that was it.

I became a pastor.

Long story short, my journey as a pastor had quite a few ups and downs. I was employed as an associate pastor for a number of years, working in churches throughout Oregon, Iowa, and California. Although there were many aspects of serving in full-time ministry that I loved, there were more things that happened along the way that made a negative impact on both myself and my family. After I resigned from the pastorate, it took several years of forgiving and getting plugged in to a healthy church before I really began to heal from the hurt.

A few years later I found myself working in the IT department at a local medical clinic. I remember a co-worker coming to me and asking if I wouldn’t mind talking and praying for her friend who was going through a challenging time. I was far from the pulpit, again I’d left full-time ministry a few years prior to this, and far from giving this lady the advice I thought she deserved.

Or so I felt.

As I talked and prayed with this lady, I couldn’t stop thinking about the whys behind leaving the ministry. The whys – not just for me but for the countless pastors who resign or are handed their pink slips – are quite shocking.

It’s true that some pastors fall into temptation and yet others simply feel it’s their time to call it quits. But often it goes much deeper than that.

And the surveys, one^1 I found particularly interesting, reveal some stunning stats:

Most pastors are overworked.

Ninety percent of pastors report working between 55 to 75 hours per week and 50% feel unable to meet the demands of the job.

And 70% of pastors feel grossly underpaid.

Most pastors feel unprepared.

Ninety percent feel they are inadequately trained to cope with the ministry demands and 90% of pastors said the ministry was completely different than what they thought it would be like before they began.

Many pastors struggle with depression and discouragement.

Seventy percent of pastors constantly fight depression and 50% of pastors feel so discouraged that they would leave the ministry if they could, but have no other way of making a living.

Wait, this is huge. Let’s pause here for a moment.

This means that half of the 1,700 or so pastors who leave the ministry each month have no other way of making a living. Their education and experience is wrapped up solely in the work of the ministry.

So, not only do pastors struggle with their choice to leave ministry, they have to worry about how they are going to feed their families.

Speaking of families, most pastor’s families are negatively impacted.

Eighty percent believe pastoral ministry has negatively affected their families. Equally, eighty percent of spouses feel the pastor is overworked and feel left out and under-appreciated by church members.

Many pastors are lonely.

Seventy percent do not have someone they consider a close friend and 40% report serious conflict with a parishioner at least once a month.

And then there is this:

Fifty percent of the ministers starting out will not last 5 years. One out of every 10 ministers will actually retire as a minister in some form. And 4,000 new churches begin each year while 7,000 churches close.

Unfortunately, the statistics speak for themselves.

Working in ministry, whether you’re a full-time pastor or a lay minister balancing a job and a church, can be challenging and overwhelming. Families suffer and discouragement and depression – amongst a gamut of other things – runs like a river in the lives of those who sacrifice their own life to the cause of the church.

After I left the pastorate I was lonely and frustrated. I had given many years of my life to something I felt abandoned me. I questioned for many years the call of God on my life. Even today, some seven years after resigning I still have many questions that have gone unanswered.

Maybe I was never actually called to be a pastor. Maybe God had a different plan for my life. Maybe God got it wrong. Or maybe I got it wrong.

Maybe we’ve all got it wrong.

Maybe it’s just our way of responding to an emotional connection we’ve made with Jesus along the way. Maybe it’s an obligation. Maybe it’s our response to what others have felt for us.

Maybe God calls us to be disciples and then calls us to holiness. Maybe that’s it. Maybe He doesn’t call us at all. Maybe He’s just waiting for us to decide.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer once wrote^2, “When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die.”

I’m not sure this sort of death, sacrificing our lives for the sake of the pastorate, is what he was referring to.

____________________

1 Schaeffer Institute, Statistics on Pastors, http://www.intothyword.org/apps/articles/default.asp?articleid=36562 (2007)

2 Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship (New York: Macmillan, 1966)

“I am an expastor who is ready to return. My previous ministry almost killed me at times. Ultimately, it destroyed my family. Literally. A church member came to my home, on my 24th wedding anniversary, and murdered my wife and son. I have struggled with God and wrestled with my desire to preach again. But starting over without any other marketable skill is so very hard. I have not had a moment of financial peace in so very, very long.”

- LES

CHAPTER TWO

WHAT IS THE EXPASTOR?

I’m an expastor.

It’s kind of awkward saying that, to be honest. Almost as though it’s sinful. Like, “I used to be a good person, but now that I’ve left serving the church in a full-time capacity, I’ve spun into this dark element of evil doing-ness.” But I’ve thought about it quite a bit and still don’t know what else you’d call someone who was once a pastor, other than an expastor.

Previous-pastor.

Prior-pastor.

Used-to-be-a-pastor.

Nothing seems suitable. So I guess we deal with what we got.

Nevertheless, it’s awkward. And not only is it awkward saying it, it’s just as awkward living it out. As an individual who served many years as a pastor in full-time ministry, I find it difficult at times to find my place in this world. And I’m sure many others who have also left the ministry feel the same way I do.

So, my question is this: How does the church process someone like me? What are some things we can do to help restore and reinvigorate expastors within our congregations?

Here are a few ideas that have been floating around my head - some things that might have been or still can be helpful to those who have left the ministry:

Appreciate an expastor’s need for healing.

According to information drawn^1 from Focus on the Family, Ministries Today, Charisma Magazine, and other respected groups, 1,500 pastors leave the ministry permanently each month in America. They go on to say that 80% of seminary graduates who enter ministry will leave the ministry within the first five years and that 70% of pastors continually battle depression.2

To the contrary, some pastors, approximately 23%, say they feel happy and content on a regular basis with who they are in Christ, in their church, and in their home.

Each person’s situation is different. Most that have left the pastorate have done so because of hurt, shame, failure, burnout, frustration, conflict, marital problems, moral failure or something in between. Others have been forced out by their church congregation or leadership due to differences in approach or ministry and personality conflicts. Needless to say, there is a large amount of healing that needs to take place within the individual and the lives of their spouses and children.

For me and my family, after leaving full time ministry several years ago, we’ve gone through a large amount of difficulty.

I remember having a conversation with an individual that didn’t set well with me. In a roundabout way, he was saying that, since I had cried my river, I should build a bridge and get over it. Fortunately for him, my personal ethics won over the desire to run to the store, purchase some brass knuckles, and punch him square in the nose.

Instead of being a help to me, those comments only fueled my frustration. I didn’t need someone telling me to get over my hurt. I already knew that. What I needed was patience from a friend who cared for me and small amounts of grace from a God who loves me.

There is no specific timeline or method to healing and restoration. There is no one book or class that leads all people down the road to recovery. We’re all different. We’ve been hurt in different ways and our specific journey toward healing will vary immensely. For my family and I, we went through a considerable amount of pain. We fought bouts of depression and anger. We became frustrated in our marriage. There was an underlined irritation due to the direction our lives had gone. And it took several years for us to heal, forgive, and start growing again.

It’s essential not to force a healing process, especially on those who have gone through situations with the church that have left them beat up, angry, or bitter. Encouraging someone to “build their bridge and get over it,” can be quite unhealthy for the individual and it may even create a divide in your friendship.

Instead, our focus should be on assisting individuals back into the body of Christ and helping them find their role within the structure of the local church. Let’s be the friend that comes alongside, appreciates their pain, and steadily remind them that God heals, restores, revives, and redeems. This season might take longer than we’d like but with the right amount of patience, love, and encouragement, healing can indeed come.

I’d say, especially to those with a build a bridge and get over it mentality, that encouraging the expastor to do just that can be quite unhealty.

Let’s stop being unhealthy.

Appreciate the expastor’s need for anonymity.

After searching through a couple dozen churches after leaving the ministry, we landed at a great church. We love the church we attend. We call it home. I’d venture to say that it’s one of the top five largest churches in our area and, though I am involved in little things here and there, I appreciate the amount of anonymity that comes within a large church setting.

For me, it’s a refuge of sorts. Attending a church with a healthy pastor, a unified staff, and a great mission, is a blessing for someone trying to find their way back into a healthy relationship with Christ and the church. (We must remember that just because the individual served the church as a spiritual leader doesn’t mean that their relationship with Christ is – or was – all that grand. In fact, I’d argue that in most cases, individuals who have left the church after serving in a leadership capacity have more of a damaged perception of Christ and more of a disheartened opinion of the church over those who don’t even have a relationship with Jesus.) Not having the pressure of getting involved, being pushed toward another burnout or personal collapse is something that any expastor, not only desires, but needs.

But, if the expastor was being completely truthful, they’d most likely tell you that their desire to rush back into ministry is immense, especially for someone who has experienced little outside of pastoring, regardless of where they are at in their spiritual walk. So, for many, encouraging and providing a little anonymity can go a very long way.

Similarly, spoon feeding small amounts of ministry tasks can also encourage them and renew their desire to be part of a healthy church once again. But, taken from my own experience, throwing them back into the fold before they are ready can discourage and weaken them further. So, needless to say, it’s a difficult task and large amounts of prayer and discernment are necessary.

Appreciate an expastor’s need for accompaniment.

You might think that I’m encouraging these individuals to deepen their hurt by allotting extra time for healing, but I would argue that, if accompanied with godly assistants who understand that the end result isn’t just another pew warmer but rather a reinstated minister of the gospel, allowing this extra time can be greatly beneficial.

Facts state that 70% of pastors do not have a close friend, confidant, or mentor. If we don’t want these expastors to stay expastors, then we must take part in changing this.

Hopefully it’s our desire to see them restored and back into a ministry position, if it be God’s will, where they are flourishing in the call of God on their lives. And, truthfully, that may or may not look like what it did in prior years. But if we can fit them with individuals, ourselves or others, that will encourage growth, at a pace fitting to their personality and situation, then we’re more likely to see restoration rather than departure.

I’ve seen the collapse of pastors far too many times. I’ve also seen the expastor rush into another ministry position without allotting enough time for healing and restoration, only to see them fall again and again. If it wasn’t for some intentional steps that I have taken, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

But even still, there are things that I struggle with, many years later, which have held me back from moving forward as a minister of the gospel, as a pastor and spiritual leader. If we can recognize and appreciate the needs of expastors within our congregations and make intentional steps to see them restored and reinvigorated within the local church, then I believe we will see a radical reinvention of spiritual direction of today’s church.

____________________

1 Lance Witt, Replenish: Leading from a Healthy Soul (Baker Books, 2011)

2 It’s interesting to note the similarities from Lance Witt’s research and the research conducted from the Schaeffer Institute.

“After 24 years, I have stepped out of ministry “for a season.” Originally I was going to take about 6 months off but after a year and a half, I am still not back pastoring...and I am enjoying myself! Nearly all of your observations are spot on. Although there is “pain” in leaving and not being in the ministry, there was more pain while being in the ministry. So I enjoy this “out of ministry” pain more than the pain “in the ministry.” The biggest fear that I face is that there will not be any more opportunities to pastor again, but I am willing to risk it all because ministry became too painful and lonely. As far as supporting my family outside of ministry, I started a business and have become quite successful, so I still see the provision of God outside of ministry.”

- JEFF

CHAPTER THREE

WHAT DO I DO NOW?

So, you’re a pastor and you’re thinking about calling it quits? Perhaps it’s time to hand in the towel because you’re burned out, stressed out, frustrated, or you’re having a crisis of conscience.

But you’re caught up on a question you can’t seem to find the answer to: How do I feed my family now that I’m no longer a pastor?

Maybe you’ve been so busy with ministry that you haven’t had any time to invest in other employable skills. Or maybe you just don’t know where to begin.

I remember asking the same question.

I was going through a challenging time. I was leading several different ministries within our church and preaching during the interim, as our church was searching for a new lead pastor. Eventually a new senior leader was hired and, well, that made my decision to leave a little easier, as we didn’t quite see eye to eye on just about everything.

But, truthfully, it went much deeper than that. There were other factors in my life and in the ministry that just made things more challenging. I was burned out. I was overworked and I was underpaid. Or so I thought.

Very shortly after his arrival, the new pastor pulled me aside and, seeming perplexed by my salary, stated that I was “making too much.”

I was working between 60-70 hours a week (some weeks even more), leading multiple ministries within the church, all while supporting my wife and our newborn son. I was making about $12,000 less than the average median income for a person my age. We were living in a one bedroom apartment and, even after cutting out most everything we possibly could, we were barely getting by.

Needless to say, that was just one of the many reasons why I decided it was time to call it quits.

I don’t think my story differs much from so many others out there. A bunch of different factors came into play and I was left contemplating my next step. But one unanswered question still lingered:

What do I do now that I’m no longer a pastor?

Pastors and leaders, myself included, often become so entrenched with our ministry identity that we associate ministry with identity. But ministry is not our identity.

A friend of mine, Karl LaCalli, who wrote an article called What I’ve Learned Since Leaving the Ministry^1, gives a great and extraordinarily simple example of what ministry is and what identity should be.

“Life is ministry,” he wrote.

We are called to seek and reach the lost, those who haven’t yet called upon Jesus as their Savior. As Christians, this is our calling, our ministry, our life. So, life is just that: ministry.

But our identity, well that’s a different song altogether. As we can learn from Karl’s life, identity is found not in ministry but in a solid relationship with Jesus Christ.

Elementary, you’d tell me. And I agree. However, if this were such an easy answer to such an important question, why does it always seem to get lost in the mix of the often emotional wreck we call “life?”

Karl wrote, “I was right where God wanted me and my family – to remain in the area, shift my thinking to reinvent myself, and look for life investment in a new career. What that looked like, I had no idea. What that would feel like, I had no clue. How that would come about, I had no plan. But there was one thing I knew for sure, God had the plan and He would unfold it how He wanted to.”

It’s evident that my friend Karl didn’t find his identity in being a pastor, even though he served faithfully for more than 21 years. He learned that devoting his life to ministry and finding his identity in Jesus were two separate, yet equally important, things.

Now, Karl’s new ministry can be found in the office of a social services firm, in which he serves as Chief Operations Officer. But Karl is not an executive. He is not a boss. That is what he does but that’s not who he is. He is just a normal guy, an expastor, doing his best to find his identity in Jesus Christ.

I say all of that for one reason: It’s perfectly fine that you’re no longer a pastor. The world will continue to turn. People will still attend churches all throughout the world. And the Dodgers will continue to lose, year after year.

Now that we got that out of the way, we need to find a job.

The stress of making the decision to leave the only thing you’ve known is hard enough, but now you’re adding another layer of difficulty: the search for employment.

For many pastors, the search for employment can be quite challenging because their only employable skills are wrapped up in their religious education and experience. Let’s be honest, most employers are not looking at hiring individuals with knowledge of Greek and Hebrew.

However, you may not realize that within your responsibilities as a pastor, you possess skills that many employers desire: management skills from your work with staff and volunteers and communication skills from your experience teaching and preaching, to name a few.

Jeremy Myers, fellow expastor and blogger wrote^2, “Some pastors find that they excel in sales positions, customer service, and office management, while others do well in technical writing, editing, or teaching. Some pastors enter the financial industry, becoming bankers, brokers, accountants, or financial consultants. Lots of pastors become counselors at a high school or college, or even as a family and marriage counselor. For some reason, most of the pastors I know personally who have left the pastorate became salesmen, selling cars, houses, insurance, clothing, home businesses, and timeshares. One area to seriously consider, and which will still use your pastoral experience and seminary education, is in becoming a prison, hospital, or military chaplain.”

Several of the expastors that I know, some of which have written articles on our site, ExPastors.com, have left the ministry and started a career in sales. Jake Ray, author of the article, Who I Am Is Not What I Was^3, and Doug Murphy, author of the article, 3 Issues That Divide the Church (And Can Leave You Jobless)4, have both gone into a sales career.

I also have friends who have left the pastorate to becoming quite successful in their fields. One is a COO and specializes in corporate development, enhancement, and growth.

In many areas, the unemployment rate has blown through the roof. Fortunately there are some areas of the country, like the one in which I live, that are hiring individuals left and right. Moving to a different area, even though that poses a whole gamut of other issues, might be a prime solution for many.

Something I might suggest, if you still happen to be in ministry but are considering a departure: your church might actually be a great place to start your new employment search.

Let me explain.

There is no doubt that you care for your sheep. It is, after all, the reason you started in ministry: You passionately desire to help others. If you want the best for your church, why not believe they want what’s best for you?

Jeremy goes on to say, “Quite likely, if a pastor explains to his church what he is trying to do, someone in the church knows of a job opening for which he is qualified. If not, then at least they might know something about resume preparation, or know someone in the Human Resources department at their workplace which can help the pastor market himself to local companies.”

This question - it’s one that rattles deep to the core for many of those leaving the ministry - doesn’t have a simple answer. And it cannot be overlooked. But for many of us who have been in or foresee ourselves in this situation, there are solutions. It will not be easy but, as we’ve preached countless times, God will somehow provide.

____________________

1 Karl LaCalli, What I’ve Learned Since Leaving the Ministry, http://www.expastors.com/what-ive-learned-since-leaving-the-ministry-part-1/ (June 11, 2012).

2 Jeremy Myers, Finding Work as an Ex-Pastor, http://www.tillhecomes.org/finding-work-as-an-ex-pastor/ (2011).

3 Jake Ray, Who I Am Is Not What I Was, http://www.expastors.com/who-i-am-

is-not-what-i-was/ (2013).

4 Doug Murphy, 3 Issues That Divide the Church (And Can Leave You Jobless), http://www.expastors.com/3-issues-that-divide-the-church-and-can-leave-you-jobless/ (2013).

“I’ve been doing ministry for a while and trying to go back to school, but part of me wants to throw in the towel. I’ve been burned in too many full-time volunteer positions, which have resulted in nothing but empty promises. I don’t have anyone coming alongside me in this season of life I’m in and no one is showing me how to achieve the goals and dreams God has put in my heart. I struggle with what to even study or focus on as a major, because on one hand, everyone says to just “trust God” and go for the ministry degree and he’ll make it happen. They say this about the financial aspect as well. I have no idea how to go to school without acquiring a mass of loans backed-up and trailing behind me. I feel lost and confused, but when you’re in the ministry there often feels like there is no support for you, you’re there to be the support of others. I don’t mean to sound like a complainer, I really just feel lost and am not sure where to go next.”

- ANONYMOUS

CHAPTER FOUR

AM I READY FOR MINISTRY AGAIN?

Since the creation of my website, ExPastors.com, I’ve seen a handful of my expastor friends re-enter the ministry in some form or fashion. In fact, just a few months after I launched the site, an opportunity came up for me, personally, to re-engage in full-time ministry once again.

And I decided to take the offer.

I don’t think my decision to re-enter the paid ministry world is all too uncommon. Many individuals reach our site because of their distinct web engine searches, such as: Jobs for expastors and getting back into full-time ministry.

So, after talking with several friends who’ve left full-time ministry and meeting new friends, who have as well left paid ministry, it doesn’t surprise me to see an internal disturbance growing in the hearts of many expastors and ex-leaders who are searching for something more. To, again, be engaged in active full-time ministry, all while paying their bills.

I felt the same way. I was longing for something more.

To those of us who felt called into leadership positions within the church and, now that we’re no longer functioning in that role, perhaps we feel lost or like we’re missing a part of our spiritual structure. We’ve spent countless nights going over the good and the bad we experienced during our times as pastors and leaders and then we spent more time searching for new ministry positions and other opportunities to dive in once again. Sometimes, not entirely sure if the pool we’re diving into is full of water or if it’s completely dry.

And, so, the search results prove my case that there is a longing in our hearts. Perhaps it’s that we feel that we are not living up to our potential as individuals, that we’ve failed, or that we’ve somehow let God down. Whatever the case, we long to once again, dive in.

If you find yourself in this category, I would suggest asking yourself these things:

1. Am I ready?

You may have experienced deep wounds from a recent ministry position that has left you hurt, bitter, angry, or jaded. Be true to yourself when asking tough questions: How have I (or have I) recovered from the hurt? What steps have I taken to start the restoration process? Am I emotionally ready to jump back in, risking the possibility of getting hurt again?

There is a reason behind every decision for those who have left the ministry or were asked to leave. It’s important to evaluate where you are at, and where you’ve been, before diving forward in ministry again.

2. Is my family ready?

When I decided to step down from my full-time ministry position, it didn’t just impact my life but it equally impacted the lives of my family, my wife and our small child. It was difficult for us but in the long run it was exactly what we needed. It took us awhile to recover from the hurt we experienced. After asking yourself some tough questions and working through the honest answers, start communicating with your family, your spouse, and your kids.

Where are they at emotionally? Are they ready to see you potentially go through hurt again? Do they even want to get back into a ministry lifestyle? Allow God to communicate to you through your family. After all, they are your first ministry.

3. Is the church ready for me?

There are new people being added to the church every day. New faces, people who know nothing about church culture and how things are “supposed to be done.” They don’t need our problems and our issues and the hurt that we’ve experienced. They don’t need our cynicism. They just need Jesus. Ask yourself:

Am I ready to set all other things aside? Am I ready to simply preach Jesus?

Lastly, and most important:

4. Is this what God has for me?

I know we all have an opinion on this but I’ll share what I’ve come to know to be true for me.

I think, if we really fine-tuned it, we could say that God probably doesn’t care whether or not you’re a pastor or in full-time ministry. He doesn’t care if you’re a janitor or if you are a pharmacy technician either. As we read from Romans, He’s concerned about you first:

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God — this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is — his good, pleasing and perfect will.

First, you. Then your family. Then the church.

And if you truly feel that full-time ministry is where you fit best, then maybe that’s the path God has for you.

But, first, you have a lot of questions to answer.

For many, getting past our past is the most important step.

You’ve invested much of your time into something and in the end you ask yourself the question, “Was it all for not?”

We’ve all been there. We know how it feels. It hurts. It’s confusing and frustrating. But, more than anything, you demand reimbursement for a piece of your life you feel was stripped from you.

But what about the flipside?

How would your life have turned out had it been invested elsewhere? They say, life is greener on the other side - but is it, really?

I mean, maybe we’ve just spent our time investing in all the wrong things. Or maybe we invested in the right things but in the wrong time. With the wrong people. In the wrong situation.

Or maybe it was the heart in which we invested.

It’s the what-would-have-beens. The coulda-woulda-shouldas.

And after it’s over, we’re left asking questions - a million questions - that only leave us more frustrated: What if I would have made this choice instead of that choice? Should I have married that person instead of the person I married? If I only had invested my time here instead of there, I would have [fill in the blank _____________].

Unfortunately, there isn’t anything we can do to change our past. But here are three things that we can do to propel us into making better choices for our future.

We accept our past.

Whatever it was that you were doing that you didn’t want to do or found yourself in, just accept it. There isn’t anything you can do to change it.

Focus on your future instead.

C.S. Lewis once said^1, “There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.”

We utilize our past.

Instead of getting hung up from past investments that left you frustrated, learn from it. Ask yourself, “Where did it go wrong? Who screwed it up? Why was it so painful? What steps can I take that will lead me down a completely different but more fruitful path?

But whatever you do, don’t stop. Keep moving forward.

It was Winston Churchill that said^2, “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”

We pursue our future.

The most beneficial thing you can do, whether trying to make better life decisions or planning to start life over, is just to move forward. Ask yourself, “What decision can I make today that will change my life tomorrow?”

Although this book wasn’t necessarily intended to be influenced by my exit of full-time ministry, it can definitely be used as an example.

When I resigned my last pastoral role, I had full intentions of leaving that part of my life behind. For a long time, I thought it was all for not. But I would come to realize it wasn’t.

I began to accept it. I started learning from my time as a pastor - the good and the bad. And then I applied it to other areas I wished to pursue.

I co-hosted a Christian radio talk-show. I started a local magazine. And then I combined my passion for creative media and my heart for Jesus and took a job at a church working in visual media.

We cannot change our past but our past can help change our future. Accept your past. Learn from it.

And then pursue your passion.

____________________

1 C.S. Lewis, The Collected Letters Of C.S. Lewis (Harper, 2005)

2 Post-humous quote

“I served as the pastor of only one church but my ministry there spanned over twenty-one years. My tenure was definitely successful based, of course, on the current ministry definition of “success.” The church grew in attendance over 600%, purchased over 20 acres of property, and built a new building - all completely debt free. When I came to the church, I envisioned that I would retire there. My wife and I even own burial plots in the church cemetery. Today, I am out of the ministry and, at this point, out of church as well. What happened? you ask. I can only say that the tremendous growth placed tremendous demands on me, stretching me thinner and thinner until, at last, I broke. It’s been over a year since I left and I still struggle with the entire religious machine that has become the church.”

- RUSTY

CHAPTER FIVE

HOW DO WE MOVE PAST OUR HURT?

I was about twenty years old and employed by a company who rented safety equipment to contractors working underground.

Technically, I held the title of Sales Coordinator, but since the job description was a bit vague, I ended up performing quite a wide range of tasks. One being the pickup and delivery of underground rental equipment, much of which was large and made of thick steel and other heavy material.

I recall one particular instance when a customer called us to a jobsite, about 30 minutes from town, to pick up some equipment that he and his crew had finished using. When I arrived, they had already checked out for the evening and I was left to operate the small boom truck, a utility vehicle with an extendable arm mounted to a bed, and navigate the equipment onto the truck by myself. It wasn’t ideal but it was a situation with which I had become quite familiar.

It was late, darkness from the evening had already settled in, and after spending an unusual amount of time dragging the equipment out from under some trees and shrubs, I started to become leery of the situation I was in. Aside from that, something just seemed a bit off. And, although I still had another 30 minute drive back to the shop, I wanted to get the equipment on the truck, strap it down, and get the heck out of there as quickly as possible.

I repositioned my vehicle as close to the equipment as I could but still had to extend the boom arm as far as it would reach. Because of the way it was positioned, I had to move to the passenger side of the truck to operate the controls, placing myself between the truck and the equipment. A moment after I lifted the equipment into the air, the weight was too much for the small boom arm to handle so it immediately slammed back to the ground, causing the driver’s side of the truck to raise several feet into the air. As I’m sure you can imagine, this alarmed me. And, because of my already anxious state, I began pulling all sorts of levers, which obviously didn’t help my situation one bit.

If you will, picture this scene for a moment.

On one side, there is a large piece of equipment, standing about ten feet tall, made of heavy steel. And on the other side, half of a boom truck suspended several feet into the air. The pair being connected by a single, undersized boom arm, extended to its fullest, pushed beyond its limits. And then there I was, right in the middle, frantically fighting for a break – an end to this scary and unfortunate predicament I had gotten into.

As you can assume, I didn’t die. I came out physically unscathed but it made quite an internal impression. I remember driving back into town, contemplating what had happened, and formulating what I could have done differently to prevent such potential tragedy.

It’s situations like these, crazy circumstances, that change us. They spin us right ‘round, like a record and force us into an unexpected place, full of instability and helplessness. Sometimes these situations happen suddenly, leaving us frantically searching for a way out. Other times they creep up slowly, gaining more ground with every weakness and every poor decision we make or, better yet, poor decisions others make for us.

When some leave the pastorate, as I did, we often feel hopeless in our situations. Maybe we made the decision to leave, as I did, but that decision, in so many ways, was the direct product of poor choices, big mistakes, or negative influences. In my case, it was all of the above.

Maybe we were asked to leave. Maybe we made a number of serious mistakes that led to our termination. Whatever the case, there are several of us who have found ourselves stuck, as in my story from many years ago, surrounded on both sides. And now our journey has led us to a place where we’re frantically searching for a break, an end to these feelings of failure, regret, burnout, frustration, or anger.

I remember my wife, Melissa, coming to me one day and telling me about a conversation she had with the wife of a pastor. The pastor was newly appointed to the church that I worked for and apparently, according to his wife, I was jealous of the gifting God had placed on my wife.

Melissa is very talented. She’s a gifted singer. But more importantly, she’s an incredible leader of worship. She has the ability to lead others into the presence of Jesus – to the throne room of the Almighty, as my Pentecostal friends would say – and, in all seriousness, I’ve never had the privilege of working with a better leader of worship than my wife.

For many years, we led worship in ministry side by side and I considered it a privilege to play a small part in the way God chose to use Melissa.

Let’s talk about the truth for a moment.

What this pastor’s wife said could not have been further from the truth.

In fact, the true reality was that my style and the style of this new pastor greatly collided. We saw things much differently and our approach to ministry equally differed. This didn’t seem to settle well with this new pastor and, if you were to ask me, that’s totally fine.

Apparently, it wasn’t fine with him. And so, it was handled very poorly and immature – which was evident by the story above and countless others I didn’t mention. We could’ve talked about misconceptions, our differences, but from what I had experienced with this pastor’s personality, I’m pretty confident that never would’ve happened.

So I resigned from the church. Not just because of this instance but from a culmination of things that conspired during that time.

And, on what would’ve been my last Sunday, I got a call from this new pastor saying that I didn’t need to show up. He would take care of my responsibilities that day and I should just hop on the road with my family and take off.

At that point, my frustration had already grown significantly. I didn’t even realize that, even in this last interaction, he chose division.

After leaving full-time ministry, we jumped from church to church, looking for something new; something far from what we had experienced in our previous years of ministry. I was hurt and frustrated and confused.

And I was lonely.

I felt abandoned from the very thing that I cared so passionately about and I was on the brink of giving up on the institutionalized church altogether.

But God remained faithful to me.

And even in the midst of my struggle, God pulled me past my hurt and placed me in a great church with a pastor that really cared for me and my family.

During that time, I was intentional with how I approached ministry.

I kept my distance.

I made it a point not to get too involved too quickly and to avoid areas of ministry in which I had previously served^1.

I chose not to blame God.

It would’ve been the easiest thing to do. But I knew the reasons why I left full-time ministry and chose to believe that God had something better for me. And I still believe that.

I chose not to blame people.

Some people say stupid things and cause a lot of hurt, whether intentionally or unintentionally. But I think that if we can take a step back and believe that God has something better in store, it’ll be easier to move past the hurt of our past and start to find healing in our future.

After I left the pastorate, I felt like a part of me had died. As days turned to weeks, weeks to months, the weight of failure grew stronger and I spent several years navigating my thoughts, trying to find answers to those unanswerable questions that nagged me at every turn. I felt awkward and different and I just wanted to give up on church altogether.

Luckily, through friends and family and finding a safe place to worship, I was able to let go of the hurt and shame that fought hard to control me. I found freedom from the notion that I somehow failed as a person because I was no longer a pastor.

As we journey through this together, it’s my hope that we can lean on and learn from one another. We’ve been there. We know how you feel. Now, let’s kick this thing in the neck and find hope and faith and love and a renewed sense of drive and direction. God may not be calling me back into the pastorate, but He is calling me. He’s calling you as well. It’s time to let go of the past, get out from the middle of that difficult spot we found ourselves in, and trust that God actually has a bigger plan than we can even attempt to comprehend.

____________________

1 I have several family members and friends who serve or pastor great churches. I was asked several times to serve in their ministries. On occasion I accepted but most times I declined. I knew that it was more important for me to keep a distance and spend my time worshipping Jesus and working on keeping myself and my family healthy.

“My wife was mad that I was working too much so she kept track of my hours. They were between 60 and 90 hours per week. Right in the middle of that record keeping, one of the leaders of the church had me into his office because he had heard I was considering limiting my hours to be with my family. He was quite upset that his offerings were going to a man who really didn’t want to do his job and that I should really reconsider my work ethic. I was only 25 and to my shame, I believed him.”

- TIMOTHY

CHAPTER SIX

WHAT CAN PASTORS DO TO STAY HEALTHY?

Often I’m asked, “What can pastors do to stay healthy, encouraged, and not become another statistic?” Well, to be honest, that’s a difficult question to answer. There are no perfect solutions or preventions to stress or burnout or the other causes that lead people to leave the ministry. There are just too many things to factor.

The team I’m a part of is currently reading through Andy Stanley’s book, Deep & Wide: Creating Churches Unchurched People Love to Attend. Through it, I’ve come to realize that my intentions in ministry, and in much of life, haven’t been all that intentional.

I’ve developed habits that have increasingly decreased my level of intentionality and, more and more, I’m seeing the need to spend more time being consistently intentional and less time consistently faking it.

I may’ve just confused myself on that last statement.

Let me put it this way.

I’ve come to see that I need to be more intentional. Easy enough. I need to be intentional with how I interact with people I deal with everyday. I need to be intentional with those I interact with less frequently. I need to be intentional about the foods I eat and the words that come out of my mouth. I just need to think more about everything I do, I suppose.

Don’t get me wrong, I am intentional in many areas. With my kids. With my wife. In my job. Maybe I just lack consistency with many of those things I’m somewhat intentional about.

I look back at my time as a pastor and I search for moments and seasons when I was intentional. I remember some of those times but, if I’m being honest, I’m left questioning myself because it seems I may have been intentional in many of the wrong areas.

I fought hard for the things that weren’t as important and didn’t fight for the things that were. It’s a consistent battle. And one that I need to be more intentional about.

So, with that in mind, here are seven fundamental steps^1 each pastor or minister can do to strengthen their walk with Christ and find a healthier balance to their ministry. This is no end-all but it’s a great start.

Find fresh spiritual disciplines.

A conference in California has the theme, “One Hundred Ways to Pray.” Find three or four, shut the door as Jesus said, and learn the art of contemplative prayer.

Then, as the New Testament suggests, don’t be surprised when trials come your way. Jesus promised us trouble. So, as psychotherapist M. Scott Peck points out in his brilliant book, The Road Less Traveled, when you expect life to be difficult, it is much less difficult.

Take regular time off.

You’re not called to work harder than your Creator.

Develop new ways of being through for the day. Take your entire annual leave in one stretch. Encourage your denomination to include an extra two weeks, all-expenses-paid study leave each year. And on your days off, do something very different from what you do the other days.

Jesus said, “Come apart and rest awhile.”

If you don’t rest awhile, you’ll soon come apart.

Get proper exercise and sleep.

Exercise fairly vigorously 3-4 times a week. Walk, swim, play tennis. Allow adequate time for sleep. Adrenal arousal reduces our need for sleep – but this is a trap – we ultimately pay the penalty. Most adults probably need 8-9 hours a night.

Relax.

The relaxation response is the opposite of the fight/flight response. Just 20 minutes a day when we’re free from the tyranny of things present is enough to counteract the harmful effects of stress.

Two ways to relax: Tighten each set of muscles from your feet to your face, counting to five before relaxing them; or begin meditation by repeating a one-word or one-phrase prayer, repeat it slowly over and over and enjoy the other side of silence.

Join a small support or prayer group.

Ministry peers will better understand your needs. Then there’s the classical discipline of spiritual direction or spiritual friendships. Who is Paul to your Timothy? Who teaches you to pray aright, as John the Baptist and Jesus taught their disciples? To whom do you confess your sins?

Luther said every priest ought to have such a father in God. Congregations can help their pastor by praying more than they criticize him or her; having open communications regarding goals and expectations; recognizing that the pastor is human and will make mistakes like all of us; being as generous as possible financially; and protecting the privacy of the pastor’s family life.

Cognitive restructuring^2.

Take a personal audit. Reassess your goals; like your clothes, change them sometimes. Improve your self-attitudes. Learn a healthy assertiveness. Know your gifts, and your limits. Face your fears; don’t avoid them by pretence, or bury them in an addiction. Above all, avoid states of helplessness: take time to develop coping strategies for difficult situations. Learn not to make catastrophes out of ordinary events. Be a growing person: If God has yet more light and truth to break forth from his Word, what new understandings have you experienced recently?

Have fun.

To belong to the kingdom you have to be like little children. They’re not bothered about piles of correspondence or running the world. They get absorbed in things, even forgetting to run their own lives! So develop a few interesting interests: buy a bird-book and identify 100 native birds; collect stamps; play indoor cricket; take your spouse to an ethnic restaurant; give each of your kids an hour a week, where you do together what they suggest; build something; audit a course.

But do something. And laugh sometimes.

Elbert Hubbard once said^3, “Do not take life too seriously, you will never get out of it alive!”

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1 John Mark Ministries, Stress and Burnout in Ministry, http://www.jmm.org.au/articles/8200.htm (January 5, 2003). Revised and printed by permission

2 i.e. changing one’s thinking

3 Elbert Hubbard, attributed quote, http://www.whale.to/a/hubbard_q.html

“When I left full-time ministry, I was perfectly content to be working a full-time job in transportation, and I enjoyed meeting and even getting to witness, on occasion, to the people I would encounter. I have since returned to full-time ministry for the wrong reasons. While I love the opportunities afforded me through ministry and helping people, I mostly returned because of the guilt that was placed on me from my family, and those friends who ‘cared too much to not talk to me about it.’ I find myself, on a weekly basis, wanting to return to a secular job where I don’t feel the pressures of trying to reach a level that sometimes seems completely unattainable.”

- ANONYMOUS

CHAPTER SEVEN

HOW CAN WE PRAY FOR OUR PASTORS?

At the beginning of this book I posed one simple question: Why do so many pastors leave the ministry? I asked that same question on my website, ExPastors.com, and in just a short time, it gathered quite a bit of feedback - both positive and negative - but, more importantly, it has opened up a fantastic dialogue.

One commenter shared his story: “I served as the pastor of only one church but my ministry there spanned over twenty-one years. My tenure was definitely successful based, of course, on the current ministry definition of success.”

He went on to say that “the church grew in attendance over 600%, purchased over 20 acres of property, and built a new building completely - all completely debt free. When I came to the church, I envisioned that I would retire there. Today, I am out of the ministry and, at least at this point, out of church as well. What happened? I can only say that the tremendous growth placed tremendous demands on me, stretching me thinner and thinner until, at last, I broke. It’s been over a year since I left and I still struggle with the entire religious machine that has become the church.”

Another commenter wrote, “We need to do a better job as churches in caring for pastors and their spouses.”

The article spurred on an array of follow-up questions like: How can we change these statistics? What are denominations currently doing to support their pastors and the ones on their way out? Why aren’t these things talked about in seminaries? What can I do? How can we can pray for our pastors?

It seems we have more questions than answers. And rightfully so. We are losing too many pastors. They are overworked, underpaid, and unprepared. They’re lonely. They struggle with depression and discouragement and their families are falling apart. And it appears that nothing is being done, at least from a broad stroke perspective, about the mass exodus.

While we’re waiting to find the answers to these questions, I think it’s equally important to shift our focus and seek God through prayer.

Another commenter said, “I believe the key to a successful ministry is to have a strong support system already in place [and] to allow the power of prayer to work its miracles.”

Using the statistics mentioned previously, this is how I’d encourage - and urge you - to pray:

Many pastors are overworked.

Pray that the stress of being overwhelmed, overcommitted, overbusy, and under-appreciated doesn’t get in the way of their calling and cause destruction in their families. Pray that God would provide workers and volunteers to come alongside and assist in continuing the work of God.1

Many pastors feel unprepared.

Pray that your pastor would be given the knowledge to counsel and mentor, the wisdom to confront when necessary, and discernment when seeking God’s leading and direction for the church. In particular, pray that “the Spirit of the Lord will rest on him, the Spirit of wisdom and understanding, the Spirit of counsel and might, and the Spirit of knowledge and the fear of the Lord.”2

Many pastors struggle with depression and discouragement.

Pray that the pressures of your pastor and their families would be relieved, that encouragement would reign in their lives, and that your church would be a community that offers unconditional grace and unrestricted forgiveness.3

Many pastor’s families are negatively impacted.

Pray for solid, joyful, Christ-exalting marriages. Pray that church leadership would recognize and provide for your pastor’s family - for their personal, spiritual, and physical needs, so that they won’t be distracted from the ministry God has called them to.4

Many pastors are lonely.

Pray that your pastor would establish a handful of close friendships with godly men. Pray for one close friendship in which he could be fully transparent and spiritually accountable in all areas of life and ministry.

There are many - so many more than are listed here - ways we should be praying for our pastoral staff. For joy, discipline, accountability and integrity, among others.

John Piper encourages^5 us to “pray that [pastors] would be a small part of a great, global awakening of fully biblical, doctrinally complete, Christ-exalting, God-centered reformation in the church and awakening in the world.”

Will Bruce also encourages^6 us to “pray that your pastor will have joy in his ministry in spite of spiritual struggles and problems - a joy and peace that comes from being filled with the Holy Spirit and is experienced in the midst of all circumstances.”

My friend and author, Tim Challies, has gathered a list of articles^7 on how to pray for pastors and staff and I encourage you to check those out and pray fervently for our pastors and their work in the kingdom of God.

As we know all too well, pastors are not exempt from the dangers and temptations that each of us face and they need our prayers just as much as we need theirs.

As we move toward answering some of these unanswered questions, I encourage you to start with prayer. Because if all else seems impossible, prayer is the one thing we can turn to.

Andrew Bonar, author and minister, once wrote^8: “O brother, pray; in spite of Satan, pray; spend hours in prayer; rather neglect friends than not pray; rather fast, and lose breakfast, dinner, tea, and supper–and sleep too–than not pray. And we must not talk about prayer, we must pray in right earnest. The Lord is near. He comes softly while the virgin slumbers.”

____________________

1 See John 14:1, Acts 6:2-4

2 Isaiah 11:2 NLT

3 See Romans 15:4-6, 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

4 See Acts 12:5. 1 Timothy 5:17,18

5 Desiring God, How to Pray for the Pastoral Staff, http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/how-to-pray-for-the-pastoral-staff

6 OMF International, Pastors Need Prayer Too, http://www.omf.org/omf/us/resources__1/prayer_resources/pastors_need_prayer_too

7 Tim Challis, Pray For Your Pastor!, http://www.challies.com/articles/pray-for-your-pastor (October 14, 2012)

8 John Piper, Brothers, We Are Not Professionals: A Plea to Pastors for Radical Ministry (B&H Books, Revised edition, 2013)