RAISING POSITIVE KIDS IN A NEGATIVE WORLD

© 1985 by Zig Ziglar

Revised edition published in 2002.

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Scripture quotations are from The New King James Version. © 1979, 1980, 1982, 1990, 1994 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 96-96657

ISBN 978-0-7852-6478-1

Printed in the United States of America

08 09 10 11 12 QW 12 11 10 9 8

DEDICATION

To the four most positive kids I’ve ever known:

JEAN SUZANNE ZIGLAR WITMEYER

CINDY ANN ZIGLAR OATES

JULIE ANN ZIGLAR NORMAN

JOHN THOMAS ZIGLAR

CONTENTS

Preface

Introduction

1. Raising Positive Kids Is Simple—But Not Easy

2. We’ve Got Problems

3. Qualities of the Truly Successful

4. Motivation and Positive Thinking

5. Positive Steps to Developing Positive Kids

6. The Tridimensional Child

7. For a Child, Love Is Spelled T–I–M–E

8. Raising Positive Kids Is a Team Effort

9. Communicating with Family Members

10. Building a Healthy Self-Image

11. Sex

12. Sex Abuse and Harassment

13. Forgiveness—The Ultimate “Positive” in Life

14. Discipline—The Key to a Positive Kid’s Greatness

15. Positive Persistence Produces Positive Kids

16. Real Love

Epilogue

Acknowledgments

Notes

About the Author

PREFACE

The story is told that in the days of yesteryear a bitter farmer, whose beautiful wheat crop had just been completely destroyed by a hailstorm, lamented that if he could just control the weather for one year, he would raise such a big crop and make so much money he could retire. If God would just grant him the power to let the sun shine when he wanted it, let the snow fall at the appropriate time, let him completely control the rainfall, the dew, the frost, and the temperature, he would have the bumper crop of all time.

As you probably already suspect, the wish was granted, and the farmer was given the privilege of letting that rain fall when and where and at the rate he wanted it to fall. He was given complete control of the snow, the temperature, and the spring thaw. He was given the privilege of turning the sun on and off at his pleasure and setting it at exactly the temperature he wanted. Result: a total disaster. The worst crop the man ever had. When it was all over, a neighbor asked what happened, and the farmer said, “I forgot to let the wind blow.” (For the uninitiated, that means no cross-pollination.)

In a way, that’s an ideal lead-in for Raising Positive Kids in a Negative World. I believe it is possible, with all the information we have at our disposal, to have every answer to every question, to know exactly what to do under all circumstances, and still end up with a “crop failure” as far as our children are concerned. The reason is very simple: Children are human beings and not crops or computers.

However, despite the apparent gloom of the opening story, let me hasten to add that I’m convinced there are definite steps we can take to put the odds in our favor. The more solid, sensible, common-sense, loving steps we take, the greater the chances of helping our children become the kind of children we want them to be and wish we had been when we were growing up.

For those of you who know me already, you are aware that I am an optimist. My choice to be positive and optimistic is not made blindly or irrationally. It’s my belief that the very creative center of all nature and all life is positive, optimistic, and hopeful. That’s why I’m truly an optimist when it comes to our kids, because they are our only hope for America’s future, just as we, the parents, are their only hope for their present and immediate future. Unfortunately, too many parents still haven’t learned that an optimistic outlook on life is a result of a choice we all must make. We choose our basic attitudes about life and in the process help choose our children’s attitudes. I’m convinced that the best and maybe the only way to raise positive kids is to start by becoming a positive parent. For that reason, I will devote a substantial part of this book to showing you, the parent, how to become a “winner” in life.

YOUR UNASKED QUESTIONS

In answer to your unasked questions, no, my wife and I did not do all the things I’m suggesting when we were raising our three daughters and our son. (Anyone can tell it like it is. I want to tell it like it should be.) We did follow most of the principles mentioned in this book and were, we feel, successful in raising four happy, healthy, productive, well-adjusted, morally sound, positive kids. If I did not firmly believe the validity of that last statement, you can rest assured this book would never have been written—at least, not by me.

INTRODUCTION

When the proud new mama and daddy hold their seven-pound bundle of joy in their arms, it’s difficult to imagine that someday that little package of helplessness could be a six-foot, two-hundred-pounder or a five-foot beauty who will make major contributions to the world.

Positive parents, however, have the capacity to “see the future,” to use their imaginations, to visualize that baby growing up to be a successful, creative, positive adult. Just as Michelangelo saw the mighty Moses in that block of granite before he struck the first blow, so we parents (1) can confidently project an image of the fine young man or young woman who will emerge from that tiny “block” of humanity and (2) can nurture that helpless babe through successive growing stages into positive adulthood. Of course, the nurturing process is not exactly a piece of cake. Remember, a well-baked cake consists of various ingredients subjected to just the right amount of blending and heat for the proper length of time. The result? A finished delicacy. To raise positive kids we’ve got to use many essential ingredients—love, discipline, forgiveness, and many other qualities all wrapped in an abundance of care and commitment for our children’s eventual well-being. Raising positive kids is not an easy trip by any stretch of the imagination, but it can be fun, exciting, and tremendously rewarding. So buckle your seat belt, because whether you have “old” kids or “young ’uns,” there is some exciting information in the pages ahead.

ONE

Raising Positive Kids Is Simple—But Not Easy

NEW GLASSES FOR A CHALLENGING OPPORTUNITY

Several years ago I went to see my optometrist friend, Bob Vodvarka, to be examined for some bifocals. Bob took advantage of modern technology in the form of his computer and was able to write the ideal prescription for my glasses. Ten days later he fitted me with the glasses, pronounced me ready to see everything I needed to see, and bade me farewell.

My car was parked about fifty feet from the door of his office. As I walked out with those new bifocals, I picked my feet up extremely high. I was unaware of this until I got to the curb next to my car and saw the reflection in the window. My foot was up in the air about two feet. I quickly looked around to see if anybody was watching. (You know how you feel when you do something that is not overly bright!) When I saw that nobody was looking, I laughed, thinking how ridiculous I must have looked.

Then a sobering thought hit me. I, too, am an optometrist. I travel our country on a regular basis, fitting people with a very special custom-made pair of glasses—not rose-colored glasses, neither are they woes-colored. But these glasses are unique in that they magnify your potential as a parent. These glasses do even more than that—they turn outward to help you see the love, hope, intelligence, personality, genius, integrity, and all the other positive qualities that your child possesses. In other words, these glasses will help you see the tremendous potential represented in your child. That’s where this book begins—by urging you parents to look again and see what that special child of yours can be in the future. This will also help you to look at yourself and your opportunity to help your child develop and reach his/her potential.

TWO PRINCIPLES FOR RAISING POSITIVE KIDS

Throughout Raising Positive Kids I state two principles a number of times. I do this because they are so important that if we can own them, they will simplify our entire educational and parenting process.

The Way You Think Is the Way You Perform

The first principle is, You are what you are and where you are because of what has gone into your mind, and you can change what you are and where you are by changing what goes into your mind. In other words, your thinking directly affects your performance.

Talking about performance, several years ago I agreed to buy a computer because I was convinced it would be a key ingredient in helping our company grow and better achieve our objectives. I was tremendously excited about this computer. As a matter of fact, when you understand that I’m from a small town in Mississippi and that I get excited about buying anything new, you can understand my enthusiasm for something as significant as a computer. I went all over the country telling audiences about that marvelous computer and all of the wonderful things it was going to do—check the payroll, take care of the inventory, do the mail-outs, make the coffee, clean the kitchen. I mean, that computer was going to do everything!

Six months after I bought the computer, I put it on the market and tried to sell it for a lot less than I had originally paid for it. You talk about a fouled-up affair; we really had one! Here’s an example. At that time we did a bimonthly mail-out to all the people on our mailing list. It was a free motivational bulletin that served the purpose of keeping our customers inspired while introducing them to our new products. We had a Dr. and Mrs. William B. Jones on our mailing list, and they got one of the bulletins. So did Dr. and Mrs. William Jones, and so did Dr. and Mrs. Jones. Additionally, Mr. and Mrs. William B. Jones got a bulletin; Mr. and Mrs. William Jones got one; and so did Mr. and Mrs. Jones. Not only that, but Mrs. William B. Jones got one! Well, I think you get the picture. We were overbilling, underbilling, late-billing, and early-billing customers; and you cannot believe how upset some of them got when we tried to collect the same bill the third time! I mean, they were simply unreasonable about it!

Now you readers who’ve had an encounter with a computer won’t have any difficulty relating to what I’m saying. When the full impact of what it was doing to us hit me, I really was up in the air. I told our people, “Sell it! Get rid of it! Move it out!” It was ruining us! Fortunately, we could not find a buyer. I say “fortunately” because today, without a doubt, it is critical to the success of the Zig Ziglar Corporation.

Question: What is the difference between the computer we had and the computer we have? Answer: None, except that the first two groups we had running it could have fouled up a two-car parade. Then one day Dave and Marilyn Bauer walked in our front door and said to me, “Mr. Ziglar, we can make that computer of yours laugh and talk and whistle and sing. Why, we can even make it work!” I said, “Come on in!”

Just the other day I was back in the computer room talking to that thing, and I’ll tell you, it is the most excited computer I’ve ever seen. It was laughing and talking and whistling and singing and working! The natural question is, What in the world did we do? And the answer is simple! We changed the input. And when we changed the input, we changed the output. Yes, that simple principle works on people in the same way.

YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE AND WHERE YOU ARE BECAUSE OF WHAT HAS GONE INTO YOUR MIND.

If You’re Tough on Yourself, Life Will Be Easier

The second principle is, Life is not easy—as a matter of fact, it’s tough, very tough. This is true whether you are a household executive or a corporate officer. It’s true whether you are an athlete or a coach. It’s true no matter what you do in life. To be winners, parents and children must survive in a tough world. And that requires learning to be self-disciplined.

Parents, I have found that if you are tough on yourself, life will be much easier on you. That’s why it’s so important for parents to train children at an early age to be self-controlled. Not to be disciplined is tantamount to disaster, because when a child gets out into the world, he will quickly discover that any discipline he has not been given by loving parents will be meted out to him by an unloving world. Developing self-control often requires painful learning experiences, but the result is well worth the effort.

SUCCESS DOESN’T COME EASILY

One example I often use to emphasize that life isn’t easy has to do with my speaking engagements. One day I met a woman who, with some reluctance and without looking me in the eye, asked me: “You kinda make a nice little ol’ fee for the speeches you make, don’cha?” I smilingly looked at her and said, “Oh no, ma’am. I don’t know where you got your information, but it simply is not true. I really make a great big ol’ fee for the speeches I make!”

What I did not tell her, however, was that before I ever made a fee of any kind I had made hundreds of free speeches at Lions Clubs, Rotary Clubs, Jaycees, church groups, garden clubs, and various office and sales groups. On countless occasions I have driven many miles in an evening, at my own expense, to speak to a group of a dozen people and then returned home that night because I did not have enough money to pay a motel bill. Why did I do it? I hung in there because I believed I had something to say and knew that eventually I would be paid for saying it.

If I asked, “What do you really want in life?” probably every parent reading this book would say, “I want my children to succeed in life, to be the best they can be.” How can we get this kind of result? By utilizing those glasses I talked to you about—seeing your children with all their God-given potential; by preparing them to stick it out in the tough places of life, over the long haul; and by seeing that the daily input channeled into their minds will produce a strong, positive output.

In the next chapter we are going to look at some of the negative aspects of the world we live in because that’s where we will face many of our problems.

PERSONAL EVALUATON

1. What is the first major principle that will help you raise a positive kid?

2. Think of a specific instance in your life that illustrates how your thinking has affected your performance.

3. What is the second principle that is equally important in raising positive kids?

4. Do you protect your child from life’s tough places?

5. List some ways you can change your discipline and instruction so that your child will be prepared to stick it out in life’s tough places.

6. Did your parents teach you to persevere? How did they do it?

TWO

We’ve Got Problems

SO WHAT DOES A NEGATIVE WORLD LOOK LIKE?

Chances are excellent that people who open Raising Positive Kids to this chapter and read the next few pages will close the book convinced I’ve got to be the most negative man they’ve ever read—especially if they don’t read the last few paragraphs in the chapter. However, I want to tell you in advance that, despite the fact that I’m going to provide a considerable amount of input as far as identifying what our negative world is really like, I positively and emphatically believe there is a solution to these problems.

I feel I would be remiss if I tried to gloss over these problems and make them appear to be simple. They’re not. I believe the first, most logical, and most sensible step to solving a problem is to carefully identify that problem and then positively work to solve it. Now, let’s look at some specific problems.

The first problem is negative conversation and negative self-talk. For example, a parent sends a child off to school with the instruction, “Don’t get run over!” An overweight person sits down to eat and says, “Everything I eat turns to fat!” If anyone has a wreck, within a matter of minutes a “wrecker” will be called, which is ridiculous, because the “wreck” has already happened. A “tow” truck is needed.

Most people wake up with the aid of an electronic rooster they call an “alarm clock.” This is about as negative as you can get. When someone’s robbing a bank, an alarm is sounded. That scares people. When a building is on fire, an alarm is sounded. That, too, scares people. If you wake up to an alarm clock, that will scare you. Actually, it’s an “opportunity” clock, because if you can hear it you have an opportunity to get up and go. If you can’t hear it, that might mean you’ve gotten up and gone.

Even our terminology is negative. We take a loaf of bread and label the very first slice either the end or the “heel,” when in reality every loaf of bread has two beginnings.

Recently when coming into Dallas, the captain of the aircraft himself—the man in charge, the “head honcho,” or, as we would say down home, “the daddy rabbit”—came over the intercom with these ominous words: “We are now making our final approach.” It almost frightened me out of my seat! I said to the flight attendant, “Ma’am, would you please tell him to make it his next-to-final approach? I still have many things I’d like to do!”

As a golfer I have frequently played in foursomes and watched one team member hit a ball into the lake, then turn to the rest of us, and say, “I knew I was going to do that!” The question is obvious: If he knew he was going to do it, why in the world would he go ahead and hit the ball into the lake? That is not the object of the game! It does not improve the score. A positive individual would have backed away, reprogrammed his thinking, declared his intentions to hit it over the lake and into the fairway, and done exactly that.

Traditionally, when the average person is up late and has to arise early the next morning, the last thing he says to himself is, “Boy, I’ll bet I’m going to be tired tomorrow!” Too many times we look at a difficult task and say, “I can’t do that.” Or if a lot is involved, we say, “I’ll never finish this.” How negative can we get?

THINGS HAVE CHANGED

To accentuate the comparative difficulty of raising a positive child in the twenty-first century versus just two generations ago, let’s look at some more negative and frightening information.

According to Dr. Marvin Watson, former president of Dallas Baptist University, in 1940 the top offenses in public schools were as follows: running in hallways, chewing gum, wearing improper clothing (which included leaving a shirttail out), making noise, and not putting paper in wastebaskets.

Today the top offenses in public schools are as follows (not in order of occurrence): murder, rape, robbery, assault, personal theft, burglary, drug abuse, arson, bombings, alcohol abuse, carrying weapons, absenteeism, vandalism, and extortion. Since thirteen of these are felonies, not a great deal of comment is necessary, except to say that times and conditions have changed. Anyone who says these changes are good is simply not thinking. With your child possibly facing these problems at school and in the rest of society, it’s obvious that your job at home with your child is increasing in difficulty and importance.

Here is an interesting phenomenon of American life. If I were to stand in front of an audience of virtually any kind in America, whether it was a sales organization, educators, a patriotic group, or athletes, and advocate drunken orgies, getting high on cocaine, pot, or any of the other mind-bending drugs, they would look at me in stunned astonishment. If I gave them a sales talk on incest, adultery, homosexuality, necrophilia, bestiality, and even suicide, while generously sprinkling four-letter words throughout the presentation, there isn’t one group in a thousand that would sit still and listen. I’m confident the parents in the audience who knew I was going to be making the same speech to their sons and daughters at the local school the next day would move heaven and earth to get my speaking engagement canceled.

MUSIC

An interesting fact is that these same parents, knowingly or unknowingly, provide their children with money to buy CDs that openly advocate exactly those things I mentioned. Music, the lyrics and tunes, is another major problem for today’s families. If you think I overstate it, I challenge you to go to the local music store, pick up a list of the top ten albums in pop, R&B, country, and rap, get a copy of the lyrics, and read what they say. You will be totally shocked at what is being advocated.

WHEN WE HAVE POSITIVE INPUT, WE HAVE POSITIVE OUTPUT, AND WHEN WE HAVE NEGATIVE INPUT, WE HAVE NEGATIVE OUTPUT.

More significant is the fact that since these words are sung into the minds of your children with a beat, dozens, even hundreds of times, the impact is far greater than the same words would be if I used them in a speech and they were heard one time. As a matter of fact, parents, the odds are great that your children can sing the lyrics of many of these songs. When you understand that words paint pictures in the mind and then the mind goes to work to complete the picture, it gets easier and easier to understand why suicide, drug abuse, violence, promiscuity, and so on are increasing. The frightening thing about this is that you can be conditioned to believe anything, especially when you are young and impressionable. Voltaire was right when he said, “Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.”

Just How Much Impact Does Music Have?

In 1703 Andrew Fletcher, the great Scottish patriot, made this observation (and I paraphrase him): “You write the laws, let me write the music, and I will rule your country.”

Just in case you can’t get to the store to find out more about these lyrics, here are a few of the hundreds of examples. One rock group has a song about hell being the ultimate party place; you should go there because all your friends will be there. Other songs mock Christianity and, in places, blaspheme God. One band has a song that encourages the listener not to listen to his parents or to any authority, just “do your own thing” at anyone’s expense. Another well-known hit says you’ve tried whiskey, and it doesn’t help; drugs, and they didn’t help. You’ve tried sex, and that doesn’t help. Why not try suicide? I’ve heard that music by one group has been banned in twenty-two countries because those governments fear the impact of the lyrics on their people in terms of education, jobs, responsibilities, and families. Incidentally, some of the country-and-western music is equally bad and, as a matter of fact, is often simply pornography set to music.

Good Music Is Helpful

At this point I just can’t resist slipping in something positive. To combat this negative, immoral input, parents should make available good music—and from early childhood days—not merely as a last-gasp, unwanted option for the children after their music preferences have been established. Great music can lift a person to heights of accomplishment and inspire marvelous contributions to society. Research indicates that beautiful melodies played as background music enhance creativity and provide relaxation and considerable listening pleasure.

TV—THE DESTROYER OF VALUES

To be realistic, I have to admit that TV is here to stay in America. The question is, Is it good or evil? Does it help or hurt? Regardless of how we feel, it is a fact of life. Many families would love to eliminate television from their homes, but they are hooked on it, or fear being publicly ridiculed or having their children embarrassed by not having any TVs in their homes.

If I were a young man just starting my family, I would have no televisions in our home. I say this with the full knowledge that occasionally there are some excellent programs on television, and I love to watch some athletic events, such as golf, football, and tennis. Overall, however, the fare is so negative that I would not expose my children to it.

The documented evidence against TV’s negative impact is too strong. A few of the key findings in a 1997 study done by MediaScope Inc. are:[1]

The context in which most violence is presented on television poses risks for viewers.

Perpetrators go unpunished in 73 percent of all violent scenes.

The negative consequences of violence are not often portrayed in violent programming.

One out of four violent interactions involves the use of handguns.

Only 4 percent of violent programs emphasize an antiviolent theme.

Premium cable channels present the highest percentage of violent programs (85 percent).

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry reports that hundreds of studies on the effects of TV violence on children and teenagers have found that children may:[2]

Become “immune” to the horror of violence

Gradually accept violence as a way to solve problems

Imitate the violence they observe on television

Identify with certain characters, victims, and/or victimizers

The evidence is overwhelming that the TV programming available today is unhealthy for our children.

When your child is in front of a television set or a movie screen, you’re permitting him to be educated (indoctrinated) by the most effective and persuasive educational tool in America today. Through TV we can be (have been) conditioned to believe incredible things. Many of the most widely viewed TV programs have conditioned us to believe that premarital, even extramarital, sexual relationships are perfectly all right provided they are “meaningful relationships.” Today, nearly three out of four sexual relationships on TV are between unmarried people. This clearly teaches that sex outside marriage is not only okay but is exciting and “beautiful.” That’s the message our kids get!

We’ve been conditioned to believe that drinking is the preferred way of life. For example, every seven and one-half minutes on television we see drinks being offered; fifteen times out of sixteen the drink is accepted. Interestingly enough, whether it’s the bad guy or the good guy being offered the drink, the ratio is still the same. The thought is firmly planted that if we want to have any fun at all, we need to take a drink. If we’ve got a tough decision to make, we should take a drink. If we need to steady our nerves for a real challenge, we should take a drink. No wonder teenage alcoholism is a rampant problem in America.

TV Exacts a Heavy Toll

We’ll probably never know the toll that TV addiction has taken on our nation’s youth as far as potential and productivity are concerned. I’m speaking of the paralyzing addiction that stifles human creativity and cripples personal relationships. I agree with the comment made in the Medical Society Journal several years ago: “The primary danger of the television screen lies not so much in the behavior it produces, as the behavior it prevents.” Every hour of staring at TV is one less hour invested in personal motivation, mental creativity, and actual involvement in the lives of others.

Here are a few other peculiarities that concern the pros who study this field: (1) increased communication in nearly nonverbal speech (like “man, uh, you know, uh”); (2) much less spontaneity and fewer imaginative, innovative concepts coming from young adults; (3) an intense, almost irrational, dependence on music with a heavy beat as their only art form; (4) the ever-present drug scene; (5) greater interest in passive experiences than in those requiring mental interaction and active involvement; and (6) creative problem solving among the youth is limited and rare.

Turning on the television set can turn off the process that transforms children into whole, perceptive people and changes passive viewers into thinking, caring persons. Values become strangely twisted and confused. That’s why one little nine-year-old child in San Francisco was overheard saying, “I’d a lot rather watch TV than play outside, ’cause it’s boring outside. They always have the same rides, like swings and slides and things.”

May Ellison, in a Knight-Ridder wire, wrote about the addictiveness of television. “I couldn’t get away from it,” eleven-year-old Monica Pencz confessed. “My homework wasn’t getting done; I just forgot all about my friends.” “Once I got hooked on it, I couldn’t get off,” David Kahn, eleven, said. “I just watched any show.” David and Monica were television junkies. David was watching ten hours of television a day and Monica five hours.

Patty Rebek, director of the psychology program at De Paul University in Chicago, says children often watch TV as a form of escape from academic, family, or social problems. Children who watch TV excessively tend to be withdrawn. “They do not develop initiative because it’s such a passive activity,” she said. “The problem comes when they don’t do anything else—when they start missing out on other things because of the TV.”

One mother complained that kids don’t have to think when they watch TV. “When they have to write a story of their own for school, they just take something off the TV.” Ms. Rebek agreed. “Remember,” she told parents and children, “children do not need to be entertained all the time. Some of their most constructive times are those quiet moments when they’re left entirely to their own resources. For a child, the imagination is the best source of entertainment.”

WE NEED TO LET OUR CHILDREN KNOW THAT WE UNDERSTAND, WE’RE THERE, AND WE LOVE AND SUPPORT THEM.

One last salvo. At least thirty-eight people are dead after watching the movie The Deer Hunter on TV. They died imitating the Russian roulette scene in the movie. Input does influence output. A January 17, 2001, Los Angeles Times article helps verify that violence on TV and in electronic games increases the incidence of violent behavior. It quoted Surgeon General David Satcher, “Exposure to violent media plays an important causal role in this societal problem [of youth violence]. From a public health perspective, today’s [media] consumption patterns are far from optimal. And for many children they are clearly harmful.”3

How Much TV Should Kids Watch?

How much television do you watch? Unquestionably, there are some outstanding programs on television from time to time. Some of the specials have messages that are beneficial to all members of the family. We can learn about geography, history, other cultures and civilizations, and a host of other things. Some programs provide much-needed relaxation and entertainment. Seventh Heaven, for example, is funny and effectively presents a positive, “traditional” family, which depicts the parents as intelligent, “in-control” people who believe in and teach some solid values.

There are also some outstanding religious programs like Touched by an Angel and church services that provide inspiration and encouragement for old and young alike. On the basis of what is generally shown on television, however, I am highly skeptical of the overall merits of the medium.

Admittedly, there is the possibility that our children could be considered “different” if they did not have a television set at home. After the first couple of weeks, they would be “different.” They would be happier, more communicative, productive, affectionate, relaxed, morally responsible, and socially acceptable. So what is the solution? Many suggestions have been made, but one of the better compromises (and that’s all it is) is this: Parents should sit down with their children with the weekly TV schedule and go over a list of programs that would be appropriate for each child, based primarily on the age of that child. Next, write out a list of the programs, giving the time and the date for each showing so it can be referred to each day. Then give each child a book of tickets or a card with ten numbers, which the child assumes the responsibility for maintaining. The parent punches a hole in the sheet or card, and when all ten programs have been viewed, the child has certainly had enough television time. This process teaches the child to be selective in what he views and teaches him responsibility as well as self-denial, because undoubtedly there will be some programs he would like to watch but not as much as he would others. This helps to establish judgment and value within the child. In addition, there probably should be some “bonus” programs, such as parades, Thanksgiving or Christmas specials, a Fourth of July celebration, or programs the entire family views together.

An even better approach is taken by a school in Pennsylvania that has drawn up guidelines setting strict limits for watching television in an effort to rid students of hyperactivity, nervousness, and antisocial behavior. “Elementary level students who watch a great deal of TV tend to be hyperactive and antisocial,” says Henry Blanchard, head of the faculty at Kemberton Farms School in Phoenixville, Pennsylvania. Kemberton Farms, with 320 students from nursery school through twelfth grade, has written guidelines calling for no TV for youngsters through the first grade.

Children in the second grade and above are urged to stay away from the TV on school nights and to restrict weekend viewing to no more than three or four hours. “You could observe the effects with some youngsters almost immediately,” said Blanchard in Parents Magazine. “Three days after they turn off the set you see marked improvement in their behavior. They concentrate better and are more able to follow directions and get along better with their neighbors. If they go back to the set you notice it right away.”

One further thought if you are a TV-viewing family: Record the choice programs for showing at a convenient time for the family, and take advantage of the videos and DVDs that can effectively educate your child in the important things of life.

As parents we can choose to a large degree most of what is input into our children’s minds. When we have positive input, we have positive output, and when we have negative input, we have negative output.

CHILD PORNOGRAPHY

Another major problem facing parents today is child pornography. A report by the U.S. Congress Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations on Child Pornography and Pedophilia (1986) states that “no single characteristic of pedophilia is more pervasive than the obsession with child pornography. The fascination of pedophiles with child pornography and child abuse has been documented in many studies and has been established by hundreds of sexually explicit materials involving children.”

Detective William Dworin of the Los Angeles Police Department estimates that of the seven hundred child molesters in whose arrest he has participated during the last ten years, more than half had child pornography in their possession. About 80 percent owned either child or adult pornography.

Child pornography plays a central role in child molestations by pedophiles, serving to justify their conduct, assist them in seducing their victims, and provide a means to blackmail the children they have molested in order to prevent exposure.

Norman Cousins in the Saturday Review has said it well:

The trouble with this wide-open pornography . . . is not that it corrupts but that it desensitizes; not that it unleashes the passions but that it cripples the emotions; not that it encourages a mature attitude but that it is a reversion to infantile obsessions; not that it removes the blinders but that it distorts the view. Prowess is proclaimed but love is denied. What we have is not liberation but dehumanization.

This November 2, 1984, article from the Dallas Morning News is obviously several years old, but it is still the best example I have found of the reality of who child molesters are. Let it serve as a reminder that all is not always as it seems—know the people you entrust your children to. Richard T. Pienciak, in an Associated Press release, wrote:

This year, in a nationwide crackdown on child pornography, U.S. Customs Service agents have identified 300–400 people in the 19 states who receive mailings, including a college professor, an air force officer, a children’s psychiatrist and a high school counselor. “One usually thinks of a person who is obsessed with child pornography as being some sort of ‘sickie,’ living in the shadows of society,” says Allen Wilk, a Customs Service regional official. “This description may fit some, but we found others who would be considered pillars of the community.”

“While not every case of sexual abuse involved pornography, pedophiles almost always collect child porn to show the child how normal it is,” says Kenneth V. Lanning, the FBI’s expert on child sexual abuse. They also use the pornography, he says, for personal sexual arousal. Molesters will seduce, trick, and if need be blackmail a child into a sexual relationship, and that is where the pornography often becomes essential to their schemes. Rarely is violence used on the children. The last thing the pedophile wants is an unwilling victim.

. . . Molesters select a child who is least likely to say “no.” Almost always the molester will give up on the child who resists.

A molester first must find a situation where children are available. The connection is often through the person’s occupation or volunteer organizations . . .

About eighty percent of all molestation victims know their attackers . . . Once in the pedophile’s domain, the child is seduced with candy and toys, trips to parks or movie theaters. As the child becomes more comfortable, “Mr. Nice Guy” may try some tickling, some wrestling, followed perhaps by some “innocent” fondling. “The pornography is the next step in the seduction process. It serves as validation material to lower the youngsters’ inhibitions,” says Lanning of the FBI . . .

“All kids are curious,” he explains. “They’ll ask, ‘How come these kids are naked?’ So there’s this person whom the child trusts explaining, ‘Would I do something wrong? These kids are having a good time. You’re as beautiful as they are. Would you like me to take some pictures of you?’” The more children get involved, the harder it is for them to escape, experts say. Still some try. That’s when blackmail is often used. When pictures are taken then the pedophile will threaten to show them to the victim’s parents.

To protect your child from the molester, you should know where your child is and what he is doing at all times.

If you allow a friendly, compassionate neighbor to help out by baby-sitting, you should first know a great deal about that person. Additionally, you should be extremely sensitive to anything your child says about the games played or pictures taken. You should start educating your child at an early age about the parts of the body that no one is to touch without Mommy’s or Daddy’s permission. (Some authorities suggest buying “modest” bathing suits—not bikinis or those that expose the hips up to the waistline—and instructing children that anything covered is neither to be exposed nor touched by anyone without parental permission. This eliminates confusion when you take your child to a doctor.) Another excellent safety precaution is to periodically “pop in” on the adult who is keeping your child.

ARE DRUGS NUMBER ONE?

Many people in America today consider drugs to be our number one problem. Certainly their dollar and “misery” cost is so astronomical that it is mind-boggling. So awesome is it that many of these same people believe there is no solution to the problem. Naturally, I reject that thought completely and believe that much of the solution to the problem is found in the pages of this book. Drugs, violence, immorality, and so on are not the problems. They are the outward manifestations of those problems, and we must deal with the cause of the problem, which is the only way to solve the problem.

Dr. Forest Tennant of UCLA is a world-renowned expert on drugs, drug abuse, drug treatment, and drug prevention. He firmly believes that when we solve the smoking problem, we will have solved the major portion of the drug problem. His reasoning is simple, and the logic is irrefutable. Over 95 percent of the people who smoke pot started with tobacco as their first drug. (You need to know how to inhale to smoke pot, and smoking cigarettes teaches you how to do that.) Over 95 percent of those who are on heroin and/or cocaine smoked pot on the way. He did not say that everybody who smokes cigarettes will end up on heroin or cocaine. He did say that 95 percent of those on heroin or cocaine started with cigarettes.

Another good reason for not smoking is the fact that every cigarette you smoke means that you have chosen to die fourteen minutes earlier than you would have had you not chosen to smoke that cigarette. Today one out of five people who die in America does so as a direct or indirect result of smoking cigarettes. According to the World Health Organization, four million people worldwide die annually because of smoking-related diseases. (Thought: If 360,000 people died every year because of a flaw in an automobile, an unsafe drug, or contaminated drinking water, I’ll bet our government would do something about it, don’t you?)

The incredible damage done by marijuana and the appalling, almost total, ignorance of kids and their parents about the devastating, irreversible damage caused by smoking pot are shocking to me. I challenge you, even plead with you, to become informed on the subject. There is far more misinformation about pot than about any other drug in America. Dr. Tennant says pot is the most dangerous single substance freely available in America today.

Over the past few years, annual use of marijuana has doubled among eighth graders, increased by two-thirds among tenth graders, and increased by two-fifths among twelth graders.[4] www.health.orgFacts like these should convince you to learn more about marijuana and how to keep your kids from trying it. For more information visit SAMHSA’s National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information at www.health.org or call 800-729-6686. Also, I recommend two books: Stephen Arterburn’s Parents Guide to Top 10 Dangers Teens Face will help you recognize the warning signs that indicate a potential problem your teen may be experiencing; and Jim Burns’s Drug Proof Your Kids addresses ways to help your kids avoid drugs and how to get treatment for them if they are already using.

A POSITIVE APPROACH TO

OUR NEGATIVE ENVIRONMENT

The August 1998 issue of Today’s Issues, a briefing paper prepared ultimately for the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD), presents some of the findings of the largest survey of adolescents ever undertaken in the United States. The National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health (Add Health) was congressionally mandated and federally funded. The results are the most succinct I’ve found to date. And they back up many of the things I’ve been saying for years. I have paraphrased some of the findings that are covered in Today’s Issues.[5]

Teens that live in homes with easy access to cigarettes (1 in 3), marijuana, alcohol (27.8%), and guns attempt suicide, abuse substances, and have more violent behavior more often than youth who don’t have easy access.

One in five teens works more than twenty hours a week. Those that do are more likely to experience emotional distress, smoke, abuse substances, and be involved in early sexual activity.

In the past year, 3.5 percent of all adolescents reported suicide attempts, 25 percent said they were current smokers, and one in six (17.5 percent) reported drinking alcohol more than once a month.

Almost one-third of all adolescents reported smoking marijuana, and 16 percent of seventh and eighth graders and 48.5 percent of ninth to twelfth graders said they had experienced sexual intercourse.

According to the Third National Incidence Study of Child Abuse and Neglect (NIS-3), from 1986 to 1993 the number of abused, sexually abused, and neglected children nearly doubled. The number of children who experienced emotional abuse, physical neglect, and emotional neglect increased more than two and one-half times, and the number of children seriously injured and endangered quadrupled during this same period.

Seventy-seven percent of children of single parents had a greater risk of being harmed by physical abuse, 87 percent had a greater risk of being harmed by physical neglect, and 80 percent had a greater risk of suffering serious injury or harm from abuse or neglect than children living with both parents.

Information from the Family Research Council is particularly upsetting when combined with the information above: “Current trends indicate that by the year 2015 . . . one of every two American babies will be born to a single mother, and illegitimacy will surpass divorce as the main cause of fatherlessness.”[6] In a November 20, 1998, publication, California Senator Ray Haynes stated that the number of unmarried teenagers getting pregnant has nearly doubled in the past two decades. Since 1960 illegitimate births have increased more than 400 percent and 400,000 abortions were performed on teenage women in 1990 alone.

Yes, we really do live in a negative world, and the obstacles we need to overcome will, on occasion, seem insurmountable. Let’s look at what one man says about obstacles.

Gerhard Gschwandtner, editor of Personal Selling Power, points out that a wise philosopher once commented that an eagle’s only obstacle to overcome for flying with greater speed and ease is the air; yet if the air were withdrawn and the proud bird were to fly in a vacuum, it would fall instantly to the ground, unable to fly at all. The very element that offers the resistance to flying is at the same time the condition of flight. The main obstacle that a power boat has to overcome is the water against the propeller; yet if it were not for this same resistance, the boat would not move at all. The law that obstacles are conditions of success holds true in human life. A life freed from all obstacles and difficulties would reduce all possibilities and powers to zero. Obstacles wake us up and lead us to our abilities. Exertion gives us new power, so out of our difficulties new strength is born. Out of an obstacle comes strength; out of disappointment comes growth; out of deprivation comes desire.

To raise positive kids we must understand that there are some things we cannot do for our children. Even though we attempt to shelter them from harm, we can’t remove them from the world’s negative influences. We can’t isolate them totally from evil. We can’t hurt for them when they have sprained an ankle, broken a finger, cut a thumb, experienced an illness, or any one of a thousand things that happen to our kids. We can’t sit down and take the test for them, nor can we make application for their jobs when they get ready to enter the employment world.

Instead of that being an unfortunate thing, it’s absolutely marvelous that it works that way. If, in fact, we could “hurt” for our children, chances are good that most of us would assume the hurts too many times as our children grow. The only problem is that our children would never grow and would remain children forever.

When our children do encounter difficulties and hurts, what we need to do is let them know that we understand, that we’re there, that we love and support them. We need to clearly understand the importance of empathy in situations like that. Parents who have sympathy, on the other hand, will likely raise spoiled children because they will attempt to do everything for the children. More significantly, they will give in to everything the children want.

Sympathy simply means that you feel what the other person feels. Empathy means that you understand how the person feels, but you do not feel that way. Because you do not feel that way, you’re able to back away from the problem and offer an objective solution. That is the role you as a parent need to play in raising positive kids. You need to be able to force yourself to back away from the problems and obstacles and look at the solutions you can offer to your children. My optimism tells me that Raising Positive Kids is going to be instrumental in helping you do exactly that.

PERSONAL EVALUATION

1. Give some examples of negative conversations you may have with your kids. Now turn each one into a positive.

2. How about negative conversations you have with yourself on a regular basis?

3. What are some major examples that depict just how negative our world is?

4. What are the areas of most concern to you? And your child? What changes can you make to turn these influences from negatives to positives?

5. Do you have a family policy with regard to watching television or listening to various kinds of music? After reading this chapter, do you feel that your policy is adequate?

6. Do you believe you can turn a negative family situation around? If so, what steps will you take in your family situation?

THREE

Qualities of the Truly Successful

HERE’S WHERE I’M COMING FROM

Now that we have identified some of the obstacles that exist in this negative world and consequently stand between you and raising a positive kid, let’s get on with the solution. I have no idea where you are coming from as far as your definition of success, but when I speak of success, I’m speaking of a balanced success.

From my perspective, if I were to make millions of dollars but destroy my health in the pursuit of those dollars, I would not consider myself successful. I would have bought those dollars at a grossly inflated price, as I’ve seen many of my colleagues do. If I should go to the top in my profession, become the best in the whole world at what I do, and then have one or more of my four children come to me and say, “You know, Dad, I sure wish you had saved a little time for me when I was growing up. Maybe if you had given me some of the advice you so freely give to others, my own life would not have been the disaster it turned out to be.’ ” I can assure you it would break my heart, because I deeply love my children.

The same dangers relating to achieving success also apply to you. Regardless of your age, sex, or occupation, if you have a loving, stable relationship with your family, you will be more effective and hence more productive and successful in your job or profession. That’s one reason so much of this book is designed to give you an attitude lift, because you pass on to your family and, to a lesser degree, your coworkers the attitudes you possess. With your own attitude and future intact, you can more effectively work to develop all the qualities necessary for a child to be positive.

WHAT IT TAKES FOR SUCCESS

What does it take to be what everyone wants to be but relatively few are? One of the things I do in my seminars around the world is to ask the audience to identify the qualities of the most successful person they know. Interestingly enough, regardless of the geographical location and regardless of who is in the audience—whether dentists, salespeople, educators, ministers, the general public—the answers will be remarkably similar. The qualities are:

caring

honesty*

self-esteem

good listener

positive mental

faith*

organized

attitude*

knowledgeable

character

dependable*

sense of humor*

good-finder

imagination

friendly

persistent*

energetic

loving*

commitment*

integrity*

thoughtful

hard worker*

responsible*

goal-directed

personable

enthusiastic*

loyalty

compassionate

intelligent

wisdom

This list varies from time to time, but nearly every audience lists the twelve qualities marked by asterisks.

ATTITUDES OR SKILLS?

I next ask the audience to categorize the characteristics by identifying each one as an attitude or a skill. You should do the same thing. Write an A for attitude or an S for skill after each characteristic.

If your answers are consistent with the typical audience, you probably identified twenty-four to twenty-six of the twenty-nine qualities as straight attitudes, one or two as combinations of attitude and skill, and one or two as skills (such as “organized” and “good listener”). Qualities such as “imagination” and “wisdom” can also be considered gifts.

Now, do you think attitude is important in life regardless of what you are doing or plan to do?

Question: Did you have even one course, anywhere, at any time, under any circumstances, that specifically taught you how to develop these qualities? My experience with audiences around the world has shown that only between 1 and 2 percent have ever had courses that taught how to develop these characteristics of successful people.

WHO IS RESPONSIBLE?

At this time I ask the question “Do you feel we are missing the boat in education?” With the exception of educators, all audiences respond with an enthusiastic yes to this one. They even feel a sense of relief because now they’ve got somebody to blame for their difficulties. “It’s the educators. They’re doing a lousy job. It’s their fault. We’ve got to do something about those educators!” At that point everybody except the educators feels pretty good, so I caution the audience that the problem with pointing the index finger at others and blaming them for our problems is that it is seldom true, and additionally we end up with three fingers pointing right back at ourselves!

Next I ask the audience how many hours each day and how many days each year the kids go to school. The answer in virtually every case is 6 hours each day and 180 days each year, so the kids are in school 1,080 hours each year. Since there are 8,760 hours in a year, this means the kids are in school 1,080 hours and are at home 7,680 hours.

The next big question I ask is, “How many of you believe parents should accept a small portion of the responsibility for teaching these qualities?” Everybody enthusiastically, and a little bit sheepishly, admits that parents should accept part of the responsibility. I hope (and believe) you feel the same way.

The next question to the audience is, “How many of you believe that if these characteristics were taught at home and then reinforced in school, this would give us the best possible citizen with the best chance for being happy, successful, and well-adjusted?” Everybody agrees to that one.

Next question: “How many of you believe it would be helpful if the parents acquired these characteristics before teaching them to their children?” Again, everybody enthusiastically responds to the logic of that one. Then I say, “Well, let’s see if these characteristics can be acquired.” I’m going to encourage you to turn back to the list of characteristics and put a check mark by those characteristics you think can be learned.

QUALITIES OF SUCCESS CAN BE LEARNED

As you examine the list, you will discover that all of these characteristics can be taught and learned. If they can be learned, they are skills. This means that you can acquire every characteristic necessary to be successful. It further means that if you acquire them and use them, you will be successful. Not only that, but it also means you can raise your kids to be successful.

Moreover, most of you already have some of every quality identified as being present in the most successful person you know. This means that you can use what you already have to further develop those characteristics. The following story illustrates this point.

CASHING IN ON OUR VALUES

During the early 1900s, just outside Beaumont, Texas, a farmer was having difficulty surviving. Although he owned a large amount of land, a recession and a drought were wreaking havoc. To provide for his family, he started selling parcels of his land. One day an oil company executive told him he thought there might be oil on his property and agreed to pay him royalties for drilling rights.

Since the farmer had nothing to lose and a great deal to gain, the agreement was made. In those days the oil derricks were made of wood, and when oil was discovered in any significant amount, the explosive force of the onrushing oil often destroyed the derrick. The greater the destruction, the greater the excitement. That was a sure indication of the size of the oil field.

HONESTY IS A MARKETABLE COMMODITY.

On this particular occasion the derrick was totally obliterated. They had hit a gusher. As a matter of fact, over a hundred thousand barrels of oil flowed before they were able to cap and control it. They had brought in Spindletop, the most famous well in history.

That farmer became an instant millionaire. Or did he? Actually, the man had been a millionaire ever since he had acquired the property. But until they discovered the oil, brought it to the surface, and took it to the marketplace to cash it in, the oil had no real value.

People are that way, too. Until we recognize our own ability and worth, we’re not going to take it to the marketplace to cash it in. And, until and unless we recognize the ability and worth of our children, we’re not going to be as excited about helping them develop and realize their potential.

STAKING YOUR CLAIM IN LIFE

Several years ago my son-in-law Chad Witmeyer and I flew into Sacramento to conduct a seminar. The host and hostess met us at the airport and drove us to Auburn, California. On the way they told us that Sutter’s Mill was just thirty minutes from where I’d be speaking. Sutter’s Mill is where James W. Marshall discovered gold in Sutter’s Creek in 1848—the discovery that started the great Gold Rush of 1849. People came from all over America and much of the world to seek and find their fortunes in the gold fields of California.

What most people don’t know is that in the late 1880s, in an abandoned gold mining shaft less than two hours from Auburn, the body of an itinerant gold miner was found. It was James Marshall—the same man who had discovered the gold that started the immigration into California, which led to fortunes for many. He died a penniless derelict because he had never taken time to stake his own claim.

To raise positive kids, we as parents must identify the qualities necessary for success, convince our children that they have the potential for success, and show them how to stake their claims in life.

That’s a pretty big order, but it can and is being done. Now let’s look at some essential success qualities that you and the kids need to develop to accomplish this objective.

THE FOUNDATION FOR SUCCESS

It is a common belief that we start our careers when we graduate from school and acquire a job. This simply is not so. Our careers are started almost from the moment of conception and are well on the way before the first day of formal schooling. Many factors while we are still in the womb play a definite role in our future lives. It has been documented that we are receptive to outside influences as early as four months before birth. And from birth, our input and environment play a tremendously important part in our futures.

Several years ago I had the privilege of going to Calgary, Canada, and having dinner on top of Calgary Tower, a structure six hundred twenty-six feet tall—taller than two football fields stacked end to end. That’s high! As we rode the elevator to the top, a recording gave us the details of the height and other important data. The structure weighs twelve thousand tons, and seven thousand of those tons are beneath ground surface. With a foundation that deep and solid, there is little wonder we could go up so high.

A good engineer can look at the size of an excavation prepared for a structural foundation and calculate the limits of the finished building. The size of the foundation determines the size of the structure. The deeper and broader the foundation, the higher and larger the possibilities for the structure.

DO AS I DO

A solid foundation for children involves a solid moral base. Parents who teach their children honesty but fail to practice it themselves create real problems.

For example, suppose parents repeatedly tell their children to be truthful, but when the telephone rings, they call out to the child who’s answering it, “Tell them I’m not home.” The message to the child is clear. If children are taught to lie for parents, they are taught to lie to parents.

As another example, suppose parents lecture their children on the importance of obeying the law, yet install a radar detector in the car to evade being stopped for speeding. The message again is clear: If you’re going to break the law, don’t get caught. Be smart like your dad or mom.

Or another: Suppose parents instruct their children to be good citizens, yet they cheat on their income tax returns. The message? It’s okay to be dishonest when it comes to taxes because “the government is going to waste the money anyhow.” Parents who do this are dishonest, and they’re teaching their children to be dishonest.

THERE’S A MARKET FOR MORAL VALUES

The home is the place to lay the foundation for high moral values, but the process must be continued in our educational institutions. Franklin Delano Roosevelt said, “To train a man in mind and not in morals is to train a menace to society.” Steven Muller, former president of Johns Hopkins University, summarized this interplay of values, “The failure to rally around a set of values means that universities are turning out potentially highly skilled barbarians.”

Further, honesty is a marketable commodity. Several years ago, the Forum Corporation of Boston, Massachusetts, studied 341 salespeople from eleven different companies in five different industries to determine what accounted for the difference between the top producers and the average producers. (Of these, 173 were top salespeople, and 168 were average salespeople.)

When the study was finished, it was clear that the difference between the two groups could not be attributed to skill, knowledge, or ability. The Forum Corporation found that the difference could be attributed to honesty! The persons who were rated top in sales were more productive because their customers trusted them. And because their customers believed these top producers, they bought from them.

Being effective parents hinges on trust, too. If kids know that their mom and dad believe what they’re teaching, and if kids know that what their parents teach is consistent with the life they live, then kids will trust their parents and will respond positively to what their parents say. Hypocrisy—if it ever was “in”—is totally and completely “out” with kids today. We fail our children if we say, “Don’t do as I do, but do as I say.”

ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY

In any family where two or more people are involved, there will always be discussion and conflict about responsibility. One of the best opportunities for teaching moral values and responsibility lies in the daily functioning of the home. About four thousand things need doing every day (only a slight exaggeration). In many homes, unfortunately, arbitrary decisions decree, “That’s not my job.”

WE FAIL OUR CHILDREN IF WE SAY, “DON’T DO AS I DO, BUT DO AS I SAY.”

The following little story pretty well sums it up. This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. An important job had to be done, and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought that since Anybody could do it, Somebody would do it. But Nobody realized that Everybody thought Somebody would do it. Result! Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

ANYBODY CAN—AND EVERYBODY SHOULD

The home environment is so important in the raising of kids. It is good when the home is neat and orderly. (Notice that I did not say “hospital sanitary.”) Comfort and pride of ownership make us feel good. Because the home environment affects everyone who lives there, certain areas of responsibility may require definition.

For example, if a scrap of paper is on the floor, it is not anybody’s job in particular to pick it up—it is everybody’s responsibility. The first person who sees it should be the one to pick it up. Everybody benefits when somebody takes the simple step.

I offer this example because it seems that human nature doesn’t change much, and the work habits, attitudes, responsibility, and team spirit we learn at home definitely carry into the marketplace where personal responsibility is reflected.

CHARACTER IS SECURITY AND MONEY

The late J. P. Morgan was asked what he considered to be the best bank collateral. Without hesitation he replied, “Character.” William Lake put it this way: “One of the most important lessons that experience teaches is that on the whole success depends more upon character than either intellect or fortune.”

More than forty years ago when the Dallas Cowboys were organized, the managers took an unusual approach. Instead of visiting successful football teams to find out how things were done, they went to the boardrooms of General Motors, IBM, Xerox, and other large corporations and asked the executives what they looked for in their leaders. Without exception the most outstanding and successful people in our country said that they looked for character, for the integrity of the individual.

When we start with character as a base, our options are virtually limitless. Doesn’t it make sense to help our children develop this important quality?

A GOOD NAME IS WORTH PROTECTING

Every step we take has a definite bearing on the family name, which is extremely important. A couple of years ago we went home to Yazoo City, Mississippi, for a family reunion. The other members of the family typically bring some home-prepared goodies. But in our case, we generally fly into Jackson, rent a car, and drive to Yazoo City, so we’re somewhat restricted as to what we can bring. For that reason, we stop and buy some things at a grocery store—a sliced ham or turkey, along with some other goodies.

On this particular occasion my wife wrote a check, handed it to the cashier, and was going through her wallet, saying, “I suppose you need my driver’s license and a credit card.” The clerk glanced at the check and said, “No, in Yazoo City this name is all the identification you need.” I’ve got to tell you that my wife and I felt awfully good that our family, following the example set by my mother, had given us that legacy.

School Credibility

One of the most important things we can communicate to our children is the importance of protecting their name. Our names are synonymous with who we are, what we do, and what we stand for. We must teach our children that their word is their bond and that their name signed to a piece of paper is priceless.

In school, when our children put their names on their papers, they are either saying that they are cheats or that the work really does represent their own efforts. By teaching our children the value of a good name, we are teaching them that they’re building a foundation for a productive, successful tomorrow with the building blocks of what they do today.

Social and Business Image

Our kids must be taught the precious value of their name as it is associated with their social and business image. When we begin mingling with others, we either polish or tarnish our image. As an individual starts out in life, a name is like a book with many blank pages waiting to be filled in with the story of a life. That story will either build on one’s total image or tear it down.

Protecting the heritage of a good name is one of the most important keys to a positive future. “A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches” (Prov. 22:1).

LOOKING FOR THE GOLD

At one time Andrew Carnegie was the wealthiest man in America. He came to America from his native Scotland when he was a small boy, did a variety of odd jobs, and eventually ended up as the largest steel manufacturer in the United States. At one time he had forty-three millionaires working for him. In those days a millionaire was a rare person; conservatively speaking, a million dollars in his day would be equivalent to at least twenty million dollars today.

A reporter asked Carnegie how he had hired forty-three millionaires. Carnegie responded that those men had not been millionaires when they started working for him but had become millionaires as a result.

The reporter’s next question was, “How did you develop these men to become so valuable to you that you have paid them this much money?” Carnegie replied that men are developed the same way gold is mined. When gold is mined, several tons of dirt must be moved to get an ounce of gold; but one does not go into the mine looking for dirt—one goes in looking for the gold.

That’s exactly the way parents develop positive, successful kids. Don’t look for the flaws, warts, and blemishes. Look for the gold, not for the dirt; the good, not the bad. Look for the positive aspects of life. Like everything else, the more good qualities we look for in our children, the more good qualities we are going to find.

FIND THE GOOD AND APPLAUD

When you find something good (and it will be easy to do), tell your child specifically what you found that you like. Applaud your child.

Do it often. Millions of parents love their kids, but, unfortunately, they never tell them.

That’s too bad, because applause is an effective confidence builder.

Applause is so effective that in the world-renowned Suzuki method of teaching violin, one of the first things the children are taught when they are two, three, and four years old is how to take a bow. The instructors know that when the children bow, the audience invariably applauds. And “applause is the best motivator we’ve found to make children feel good about performing and about themselves.”

WHEN WE START WITH CHARACTER AS A BASE, OUR OPTIONS ARE VIRTUALLY LIMITLESS.

Despite this fact, however, a study by the National Parent-Teachers Organization revealed that in the average American school, eighteen negatives are identified for every positive that is pointed out. The Wisconsin study revealed that when kids enter the first grade, 80 percent of them feel pretty good about themselves, but by the time they get to the sixth grade, only 10 percent of them have good self-images.

Applause is a great encourager, but real encouragement is more than being given a slap on the back or a position as a cheerleader. It is positive, affirming input from parents, which also affirms authority in the most positive way.

High school principal Dr. Frank Rainaldi says that our kids really need to hear a continual reminder of the things they do well. Any time we see our kids being good or doing good, we need to let them hear that approval. Our encouragement and praise should be specific. Not, “You look really neat this morning,” but “I like the way you matched your shirt and slacks. That really looks nice.” And being good encouragers requires us to be good listeners. We need to hear what our children want us to hear.

Finding the good in every person and in every situation is a learned skill that requires work, but because we love our kids, we must make the effort. As parents we must practice and be examples of good-finding, a characteristic of the successful that is caught more than taught.

REAP THE BENEFITS OF GOOD-FINDING

A 1984 study by Family Concern divided sixty schoolchildren into three groups of twenty who were given arithmetic tests daily for five days. One group was consistently praised for its previous performance; another group was criticized; the third was ignored. Those who were praised improved dramatically; those who were criticized improved also, but not so much; and those who were ignored hardly improved at all. That principle still works—and it always will.

Charles Schwab said, “I have yet to find the man—however exalted his station—who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than under a spirit of criticism.” By the same token, children who are raised in a spirit of praise and approval are going to be happier, more productive, and more obedient than the ones who are constantly criticized.

ATTAINING THE GOAL

Total success is an attainable goal for us and for our children. The quantity and the quality of that success in great measure depend on us. Identifying the key qualities of successful people is just the first step. Next comes the commitment to grow, to change, to apply, to nurture these qualities in our lives. We do this primarily by changing the input into our minds, and the new, positive input will result in more successful performance.

Here’s a special tip that I have found invaluable: The two most important times of day for this input are early in the morning and late at night. Some psychologists have estimated that the first encounter of a significant nature that you have each day has more impact than the next five encounters as far as your thinking and your attitude are concerned. With that in mind, it’s extremely important that you start the day deliberately with very positive input. It can be an exciting book, a message from God’s Word, a motivational recording, or motivational music. You can do this when you first get up, or you can listen to recordings on your way to work.

The second most important time for input takes place late in the evening. For many years I’ve read something of a positive nature as I go to sleep. This permits my subconscious mind to work on it during the night and give my imagination real food for thought so it can develop in a positive way. I strongly encourage you to take this approach.

I close this chapter by relating some of what has happened to the lives of the Randy Flatt family of Memphis, Tennessee, since they have been listening to the positive input from our motivational tapes.

They told how one morning they were awakened by their eleven-year-old son, Jason, talking to himself. In Sandra’s exact words, here’s what he was saying: “This is a great day. What a day for opportunity.” [On my tapes I emphasize that it’s not an “alarm” clock, it’s an “opportunity” clock, because if you hear it, that means you’ve got an “opportunity” to get up and go.] “I’m going to make straight A’s today! I’m going to make straight A’s every day! I feel great! I can do it! Yes, sir, this is a great day!”

“Randy and I cracked up laughing and are very proud Zig Ziglar has rubbed off on him. We lay in bed and listened while he continued to quote things you had said on tape. Jason began to bring As home and also letters from his teacher saying how his attitude toward himself and others had improved. He set a goal for an electric guitar to be earned by averaging A’s the entire school year. He also saved money from jobs outside our home. He reached his goal, and we gladly bought the new guitar.”

TOTAL SUCCESS IS AN ATTAINABLE GOAL.

Jason was learning the qualities of success, and he was being motivated to put them into practice in his life. In the next chapter we are going to look more closely at this critical concept of motivation and its counterpart, positive thinking.

PERSONAL EVALUATION

1. How do you spell S-U-C-C-E-S-S? Check the qualities on page 28 that you feel are most evident in a successful person.

2. In motivating our children, how important is the example we set for them?

3. List two things you could say to your child that illustrate how finding and applauding the good in him may change how he thinks about himself.

4. Do you agree that a positive attitude to life can be learned? What can you do specifically for your children to encourage them to have a positive outlook?

5. Name one prominent quality that your child has. How can you help nurture this for your child’s good?

FOUR

Motivation and Positive Thinking

THIS YOUNG MAN WAS MOTIVATED!

When I think of motivation, I think of an incident that took place out in west Texas. A super-rich Texan had a daughter of marriageable age, and he decided to give her a coming-out party. (Salespeople would describe this as “group prospecting.”) At any rate, this Texan invited the young men from within a hundred miles to come to the big party on his spread. He had over two hundred thousand acres, and on that spread he had dozens of producing oil wells and thousands of head of cattle. The old homestead itself was a mansion of indescribable proportions, which included an Olympic-size swimming pool.

Toward the latter part of the evening, the host invited all the young men out to the pool which he had, with amazing foresight, stocked with water moccasins and alligators. He told the young men that the first one who jumped into the pool and swam the length of it would be given his choice of three things: $1 million in cash, ten thousand acres of his best land, or the hand of his beautiful daughter in marriage. He even pointed out that his daughter was their only heir and that when he and his wife passed on, all of this big spread would belong to her and to the man who became her husband.

No sooner were these words spoken than there was a loud splash at one end of the pool, followed almost immediately by the emergence of a dripping young man from the other end of the pool. He had set a world’s record that would never be approached, much less broken.

As the dripping young man emerged from the pool, the host excitedly ran to him and said, “Well, son, you’ve got your choice. Do you want the million in cash?” The young man responded, “No, sir.” Then the host asked, “Do you want the ten thousand acres of my best land?” The young man responded, “No, sir.” Finally, the host said, “Then I assume you want the hand of my beautiful daughter in marriage?” To this the young man replied, “No, sir.” “Well, son, what do you want?” The young man responded, “I want to know the name of that dude who pushed me into the swimming pool!”

Needless to say, this young man had been motivated to get out of that pool as quickly as possible. Motivation on a daily basis is necessary if you’re going to do your best at whatever you do, but especially if you’re going to raise positive kids.

SOME PEOPLE ARE ESPECIALLY NEGATIVE

There probably is more confusion about motivation and positive thinking than almost any other subject in our society. A study done several years ago at Harvard University revealed that 85 percent of the reason people get jobs and get ahead in those jobs is because of their attitudes. The conclusion—and the evidence—is overwhelming that parents who want to prepare their children for life will teach them how to develop a winning attitude as a way of life. Motivation and positive thinking are not things you turn on and off and use for special circumstances and events in your life. They are a way of thinking, doing, and being that bring incredible benefits to you and your family.

Of course not everyone—especially the media—feels that way. I recall my appearance on a national news program several years ago. The interviewer was what I call a “typical media man,” meaning that he was so skeptical he demanded a bacteria count on the milk of human kindness! He was so cynical he actually believed that somebody pushed Humpty Dumpty. He was from the town that wanted to start a Pessimists Club but nobody thought it would work. Then they explored the possibilities of a Procrastinators Club but by a vote of 44–0 decided to wait.

At any rate, the occasion was memorable. We visited pleasantly while the camera crew was getting set for the interview. Once the crew was set and the cameras were turned on, he put a microphone in my hand, and his opening statement was this: “Mr. Ziglar, you go all over the world talking about positive thinking and getting to the top. You’re a positive, optimistic fellow. You believe that with positive thinking you can do anything. Well, I want to ask you, do you think with positive thinking that you could whip Muhammad Ali?” (At that time he was the Heavyweight Champion of the World.) Obviously that’s ridiculous, even though I fought in the ring for two years and had an excellent record. (The worst I ever finished was second.) As a matter of fact, the only reason I quit was because of my hands—the referee kept stepping on them!

POSITIVE THINKING WON’T LET YOU DO “ANYTHING”

I replied as follows: “No, I don’t believe that with positive thinking I could whip Muhammad Ali or, for that matter, play quarterback for an NFL football team or make the starting lineup for an NBA basketball team. With all of my positive thinking I could not teach a class in chemistry or thermonuclear energy. With all the positive thinking in the world, a student who has not studied and acquired the information is not going to be able to answer questions concerning which he has no knowledge.”

WHAT POSITIVE THINKING AND

NEGATIVE THINKING DO

No, positive thinking won’t let you do anything; but it will let you do everything better than negative thinking will. Positive thinking enables you to more effectively use the ability, training, education, and experience you have. Here’s what I mean. As a student, did you ever walk out of class after a test and have one of your buddies ask how you did, and you responded, “Man, I don’t understand it. I really studied for the test. I knew that formula as well as I know my name. I wrote it out last night, went over it many times, but today I just couldn’t remember it, and I don’t know why!”?

Chances are excellent you’ve had that experience. What happened is simple. Before you went in to take the test, you carefully instructed yourself to “forget” what you had learned. You did it by the self-talk you indulged in and the interchange with your classmates, statements such as, “Boy, I hope I remember all that stuff I’ve studied,” or “Man, I hope I don’t do the same thing on this one I did on the last one! I studied all night; studied for the entire quarter (or semester), but I never do well on tests. I just get tense and tight, and I forget the things I’m supposed to remember.” You instructed your mind to forget, and your mind does follow instructions.

What positive thinking does is very simple. It allows you and encourages you—as well as teaches you—how to use your ability and how to remember what you have learned. With positive mental attitude and thorough preparation, you can go into a class more relaxed. Your self-talk simply says, “Boy, I’m glad I studied for this one! I’m prepared, and I know that if the teacher asks the questions in the book, I’m going to do okay.” It’s amazing what positive thinking and preparation will do for you.

JUST WHAT IS MOTIVATION?

The subject of motivation is intriguing and often misunderstood. The definition of motivate is “to stimulate to action, provide with an incentive or motive.” The word motivation itself is a noun. My 1828 American Dictionary of the English Language, Noah Webster Edition, does not even have the word motivate or motivation in it, so it is a fairly new word but an extremely important one.

One of the things that I’m often challenged with in interviews concerns motivation and what it is and what it is not. The challenge often goes like this: “Mr. Ziglar, there are people who say that when they attend a motivational session they get all charged up, but a week later they’re back where they were before they attended the session. In other words, motivation is not permanent. How do you respond to that?”

My answer is, “Of course motivation is not permanent. But then, neither is bathing; but it is something you should do on a regular basis.” Eating is not permanent, but if you do it on a daily basis it will extend your life considerably. To think you could attend one motivational session, read one book, hear one speaker, and have immediate and permanent benefits for the rest of your life is, of course, absurd and far-fetched.

You can’t make an overdraft on the bank of right mental attitude all your life and bring the account up to date with one deposit. What motivation does is stimulate you to action, give you a more optimistic viewpoint of life itself, raise the specters of both hope and accomplishment, and encourage you to accomplish your objectives.

There are those who say that all motivation is self-motivation. That would be like saying one person cannot influence another, which won’t stand up under any kind of serious thinking. My own experience tells me that I can hear inspiring music, a beautiful sermon, a patriotic speech, or a stimulating speaker and feel better about myself as well as my possibilities of accomplishing more of my objectives.

MOTIVATION IS SOMETHING YOU DO ON A REGULAR BASIS.

KEEP IT GOING, FOLKS

To raise positive kids, you must understand that to provide ongoing motivation for yourself and the kids you need to receive motivational input on a regular basis. With the positive input on a steady basis, you will automatically seek out and apply the positive approach to life’s daily challenges. For example, when the kids come home from school, welcome them in a positive manner. Instead of asking, “How was your day?” or “What happened at school?” why not set the tone by asking them, “What did you do today that was fun?”; “What did you learn that you enjoyed learning?”; “Who did you meet or play with that you really like?”; “What did the teacher say that pleased you the most?”; “Did you say or do something nice for anyone?” (This approach also works wonders for the attitude and relationship of husbands and wives when they come in from work.)

This positive mind-set is especially important when the children first come home from school. If you can instill a positive association with the school experience, chances are enhanced that their experiences in school will be pleasant and positive. Then at a later time, when you’re having some quiet time with your children, you can ask them to tell you all about what happened that day.

This makes certain you’re not putting on rose-colored glasses and denying some of the problems that exist. However, it does enable you, and them, to keep events of the day in perspective. This procedure is important because children are inclined to let their imaginations run wild and blow simple little incidents completely out of proportion. Many times parents have been shocked to learn that the first thing the child told them when he got home from school was not exactly what happened. The child had simply described the event from his own perspective at that moment in time. Unfortunately, this information often comes after Mom or Dad has gone to the school “to protect their child’s interests,” only to learn that the child “didn’t really mean it,” it wasn’t as bad as it seemed, or the incident had already been handled.

WORKING FOR A RAISE

Attitude is an important facet of our lives at home, in school, and on the job. As a youngster in Yazoo City, Mississippi, while working in a grocery store, I knew the young boy who worked in the store across the street. In those depression years, most stores, of financial necessity, carried a very limited inventory and played it close to the chest. Once a basic inventory had been established, the store owners tried to anticipate exactly what was going to be sold the next week and ordered accordingly. Of course, this frequently led to shortages, and in these cases the merchants simply borrowed from one another.

The young man across the street who was their “runner,” just as I was the “runner” for our store, was named Charlie Scott. I recall countless instances when Charlie would hit our front door at a dead run and sing out to the owner of our store, “Mr. Anderson, I need to borrow six cans of tomatoes!” Mr. Anderson always replied, “Well, go get ’em, Charlie. You know where they are.” Charlie would dash back to the shelf, grab the items he was borrowing, quickly deposit them on the counter, scribble his name on the slip showing what he had gotten, and race off.

One day when things were slow, I asked Mr. Anderson why Charlie Scott always ran everywhere he went. He replied that Charlie Scott was working for a raise, and he was going to get one. I then asked him how he knew Charlie was going to get a raise, and Mr. Anderson replied that if the man he was working for didn’t give him one, that he would!

WHEN WE DO MORE THAN WE ARE PAID TO DO, EVENTUALLY WE WILL BE PAID MORE FOR WHAT WE DO.

In 1979 I spoke at Mississippi State University. I used the Charlie Scott example of why it was important that we all give the extra effort. When the seminar ended, a tall, redheaded gentleman came to me and asked me how long it had been since I had seen Charlie Scott. I replied that I believed Charlie had left Yazoo City during World War II in about 1942 or 1943, and I had not seen him since. He then commented, “You probably wouldn’t recognize him if you saw him today, would you?” And I casually said, “No, I don’t suppose so.” With that the gentleman said, “I didn’t think so. I’m Charlie Scott.”

According to his friends, Charlie Scott had followed the same procedure he had learned as a young boy all of his life. He worked hard, was enthusiastically courteous, and became enormously successful. As a matter of fact, he retired in his early fifties, a wealthy man.

THIS WAY TO PERMANENT EMPLOYMENT

I believe that if we teach our kids from the very beginning to give their best, and then some, they will never have to ask for more than one job—unless the company they’re working for goes out of business. I’m convinced that when we show up early for work, do the very best we are capable of doing, and do it with an enthusiastic smile, we are making ourselves irreplaceable. I believe that when we learn new things to do and take on additional responsibilities, sooner or later it will come to management’s attention.

It’s a universal law—when we do more than we are paid to do, eventually we will be paid more for what we do. When we accept additional responsibilities, we become in essence like sailing vessels. On a sailing vessel, the more sail that is hoisted, the faster and farther it will go. In life, if we want to go farther and faster, we must hoist more sail or put more of ourselves into a project.

We need to teach our children that for eight hours a day, competition is extremely tough; but when we work one more hour, 90 percent of the competition will drop out. At that point we have an open door to greater productivity and a promotion. That’s when we are likely to achieve the breakthroughs and accomplish more. The old adage “The only way to stretch your future is to stretch your present” is true. We need to give our children the hope and encouragement that they can go as far as their willingness to work, belief in themselves, and their right mental and moral attitudes will permit them to go.

PERSONAL EVALUATION

1. Motivation is necessary if you’re going to raise positive kids. What are some things that motivate you?

2. Give an example of how negative thinking has caused you to fail.

3. The story about Charlie Scott highlights his enthusiasm. How did his enthusiasm make him a winner?

4. Do you think that offering a reward is essential in motivating people?

FIVE

Positive Steps to Developing Positive Kids

By this stage of the game there is a chance you have come to the conclusion that to raise really positive kids you need the genius of Einstein, the insight of a psychologist, the stamina of a triathlete, the humor of Bob Hope, the faith of Daniel in the lions’ den, and the courage of David as he faced Goliath.

If I’ve communicated that to you, I owe you an apology. One thing I have tried to communicate is the fact that raising positive kids is not easy, but a loving, dedicated parent following some relatively clear guidelines can handle the job and reap infinite joy as a result. This chapter has a considerable amount of information that will give you some clear-cut suggestions and a lot of encouragement, so hang in there.

THE EDUCATION STARTS NOW

When do you start the education process with your child? When do you start taking those positive steps to develop those positive qualities? As you will see, the answer is quite clear. However, for those of you who have gotten a late start, let me assure you that it is never too late to do the right thing. Nor is it ever too late to do some good, so don’t delay another day. Start now.

An article in the May 15, 1982, Dallas Times Herald points out that Joseph and Jitsuko Susedik believe any parents can raise their child to be brilliant. The key elements, they say, are environment, phonics, and curiosity. Carole Taylor, Ph.D.—head of the Tolatr Academy in Pittsburgh—has two daughters, ages ten and fourteen, classified as gifted, who are enrolled in pre-med courses part-time in a community college. Dr. Taylor and the Susediks say the teaching of phonics is vital to a child’s development. Once a child has mastered phonics, he or she can read anything, including college texts.

Joseph Susedik, who believes in talking to children while they’re in the womb, stressed the need for a calm, serene atmosphere for an expectant mother in order for a child to be born with complete trust in the parent. “Only if the child has complete trust,” he said, “can he or she be taught. You must teach your children with love, gentleness, and only at a time when they’re willing to learn.”

After their daughters were born, the Susediks devised a series of learning games including flash cards, phonics and vowel sounds, and vocabulary. “The first five to six years of the child’s life are ‘effortless learning,’” Mr. Susedik said, “and each girl responded positively to the learning games.” In addition to the lessons, the Susediks, who described themselves as “child-oriented,” emphasized the need for parents to spend as much time with their children as possible: “When they have a question, don’t put them off.”

Dr. Taylor agrees with the Susediks’ approach to child rearing and the necessity for developing verbalization skills at an early age. “Parents and teachers should be interacting with their children, not just talking to them,” she said. “If they are busy, they should still not send a child away saying, ‘Tell me later.’” Dr. Taylor and the Susediks both said training in phonics teaches the ability to verbalize and organize one’s environment. By breaking down words into proper sounds, children eventually learn to analyze words and their definitions. “Once a child has mastered this skill, the ability to memorize facts and principles follows. After that, applying facts and principles to other areas of learning becomes possible,” and enables a child to think analytically and logically, which translates into an increased capacity to absorb technical information.

RESULTS ARE SPECTACULAR

Sounds pretty good—even great—and logical, but does it work? Read on. At age twelve, Susan Susedik was a junior at Muskingham College; Stacey, at age ten, was a freshman in high school; Stephanie, at age eight, an eighth grader; and Johanna, at age six, was a fourth grader. All of these girls have an IQ in excess of 150, with Susan’s registering beyond the maximum 200 score on the Stanford-Binet Intelligence Scale. This puts them in the top one-half of 1 percent of the entire United States population.

Since the parents are of average intelligence, how did this come about? Considerable evidence indicates that their prenatal uterine conversations had a great deal to do with it. Mr. Susedik says this has been around “ever since God talked to Jeremiah and Job in the womb.”

Mrs. Susedik points out that by age five months, the unborn baby’s ears have been developed and it can hear and move its eyes. It already has more brain cells for memorization than it will use in its lifetime. She also maintains that by talking with the child before its birth, when the baby is born, it has instant recall.

Mrs. Susedik sang to each newborn; danced with her to soft, beautiful music; provided her with toys; and began explaining her small world. She did this during the day while Mr. Susedik was working. The Susediks taught their children to read with feeling, to express surprise, sadness, happiness, to fill the story into a rounded form. Hansel-and-Gretel-like stories were avoided, along with cartoons such as Popeye, “who’s always fighting,” and Bugs Bunny, “who’s always getting shot at.” Their TV fare included Sesame Street and Electric Company, but programs on marriage problems, violence, sex, thrillers, and such were off-limits.

In answer to the question, Is intelligence determined by heredity or environment or both? Mrs. Susedik responds that it’s definitely more than heredity. She believes that her children are so remarkably bright because of their early education. She points to the abundance of love she has for her children as the most important element in their development. Mrs. Susedik warns parents, however, that physical and emotional problems are some of the biggest obstructions in teaching and learning. “I strongly suggest that you do not start teaching your child if your main purpose is to raise a genius rather than for the child’s happiness.” This information is tremendously exciting, but please don’t overlook the last sentence. Additional information suggests that babies have amazing observation and learning capabilities.

Even though children do start to learn at a remarkably young age, the evidence is mounting that the education and learning in the early years should be taking place in the home rather than in the schoolroom. Developmental psychologist Raymond Moore in his book, School Can Wait, points out that it would be far better if our children started to school when they are eight years old rather than six.

He notes that boys especially benefit from starting school at a later age; he maintains that boys have three times the learning failure, and four times the hyperactivity, of girls at ages five to seven. “Unnecessary out of home care for the children under eight,” he says, “may endanger the child emotionally, behaviorally, academically and socially.” He considers the greatest teacher to be the example of loving, caring parents. Dr. Moore is supported by most schoolteachers and administrators, with over 80 percent of them in favor of sending their children to school at a later age instead of an earlier age.

The educational process actually involves—or should involve— the parents, schools, churches, and “the University of Life,” which includes our peers, trainers, bosses, associates, and others. Since the child, until he enters the sixth grade, is home with his parents approximately 90,000 hours and in school approximately 5,000 hours, it’s easy to see why I’ve put so much emphasis on the role parents play, especially in the important areas of life.

IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO DO THE RIGHT THING.

THE AGE OF REGULATION

Now let’s look at some of these important areas.

In Signs of the Times (April 1984), author John Drescher points out that children actually go through three ages. The first is the age of regulation, which is from the ages of one to seven. This is clearly illustrated when he writes, “A first-grade girl shared the day’s activities at school with her mother. ‘We had a substitute teacher at school today,’ she said. ‘She let us do anything we wanted and we didn’t like her.’ ”

This comment carries both the response and need of a child during the early years, particularly from birth through age seven. During this time the child needs to know what is expected. The child without definite, clear rules becomes unruly. He is unhappy and insecure, and he develops feelings of not being loved. Further, he will kick out—sometimes in the most annoying ways—to feel where his boundaries and controls are.

The early years of childhood are the prime years in the child’s moral development. He needs to know what he ought to do before he can think or put into practice what he should do. This learning begins at birth and will be taught primarily by those closest to him. There will never be a better time to teach obedience, which is the first element in the development of the conscience and moral sense.

During these early years the child lives in a world of feeling and discovery rather than reason. The physical touch, the emotional climate, the tone of voice, and the atmosphere of the family in general are felt very early. But the child is not helped by trying to reason with him. He is dependent upon parents for direction. He needs rules to follow. The small child becomes confused if made to reason and decide his own conduct.

TAKE CONTROL EARLY OR LOSE CONTROL FOREVER

Paul Tournier, in his excellent small book To Resist or Surrender, writes, “There are many parents who do not want to argue with their children over every mistake. They reserve their authority for serious matters, but then it is too late. By forever giving in they lose all authority.” Most parents give in to their children’s whims when they are small, the very age when they need a firm hand. They laugh at their antics then but later, in adolescence, try to lay down the law—the very time when children need more freedom in order to gain their own experience.

If parents exercise proper control in the early years, they can relax later because the child will have developed controls. If the limits and controls are lacking in the early years, the child will not only be at a loss in the later years but will also be more likely to react and rebel against any kind of control. Direct orders are best during the early years. Let the no’s be few, but consistent and in love.

At no time is the mother more important in determining the direction in the child’s life than during the early years. At no other time are the mother’s own purpose, persuasion, personhood, and goals more significant. Her strong sense of direction, emotional stability, intellectual pursuits, along with such characteristics as strictness with love, persistence, consistency, clear expectations, and confidence, will have much to do with the child’s moral development. Particularly the mother, because of her closeness, becomes the child’s moral compass. Of course, the father is important during these years, especially as he stands strong beside his wife with love and warm emotional support to both mother and child.

THE AGE OF IMITATION

The second age of childhood is the age of imitation, which occurs between the ages of eight and twelve. This is the period of time when, as John Balguy says, “Whatever parent gives his child good instruction and sets them at the same time a bad example, may be considered as bringing them food in one hand and poison in the other.” During these years, role models are most important to a child. Rules are important, but example is the great stimulus.

Larry Poland, director of the Agape Movement, and his wife, Donna Lynn, wrote in an article in Worldwide Challenge (October 1981):

A child needs to learn by concrete example until the age of eleven, since his ability to think abstractly is not well developed until then. Our own character strengths and weaknesses are mirrored in our children’s lives. Often the things we can’t stand in our children are our worst faults. All of us have seen a hotheaded or profane father pass on these characteristics to his son or a sharp-tongued, immodest mother beget a sassy, immoral daughter. No amount of Scriptural training will counteract totally the example we parents set.

It is “kiddie-see, kiddie-do,” or as my mother said so many times as we began our own family, “Son, your children more attention pay to what you do than what you say.”

God’s Book gives a beautiful, clear, commanding, but frightening example in Luke 6:39–40: “Can the blind lead the blind? Will they not both fall into the ditch? A disciple [a student] is not above his teacher, but everyone who is perfectly trained will be like his teacher.” That is frightening if the parental example is bad, but it’s tremendously exciting if the parental example is good. We’re going to teach what we are, not just what we say or do. The old statement is true: What you are speaks so loudly I can’t hear what you’re saying.

RULES ARE IMPORTANT, BUT EXAMPLE IS THE GREAT STIMULUS.

An article in Parents magazine indicated that during this stage of childhood, the child develops his basic disposition that he will bring to big decisions later on—what kind of people he will be attracted to, what kind of living he wants to make, what style of spending he feels comfortable with, how much reverence he pays to people in all the living world, how important integrity is to him. This is when he also establishes touchstones of belief and values, so he will have something to hang on to during the storms of temptation and uncertainty during adolescence. His attitudes toward life and toward others are developed by how parents speak to salesclerks at the store, over the telephone to a neighbor, and to their friends at a social gathering. Attitudes toward people are reflected in family discussion about others and how the needs of the community and world are referred to.

Reading is at an all-time high during these years. The right books and magazines will help in determining values. Reading stories of good conduct, bravery in doing right, and honesty in different situations should be done during these years, when the child wants to imitate what seems to be heroic and challenging.

In a study several years ago it was learned that more than half of those who became Christian ministers had decided on this vocation by the age of eleven. Now, more than ever before or after, the parent dare not be or do what he does not want his child to be or do. Consistent living, which conforms to what is taught, is now at an all-time premium. Therefore, it is important that the adults who teach and guide children during this period be the kind of persons worthy of imitation.

THE AGE OF INSPIRATION

The next age is the age of inspiration—ages thirteen and up. During the teenage period the child is inspired by great ideas of one kind or another. He must have heroes. If he is not given heroes, he will find them; if he is not inspired by the right kind of heroes, he will be inspired by the wrong kind. During this period a great deal of stability and character is gained if the teenager has a certain goal in mind. He needs both short-range and long-range goals. Rules and limits are, of course, still important. By now, however, the adolescent needs to have inner controls to be effective because parents cannot possibly be present at all times. The teenager needs to bring all past experiences to bear.

It is true that by the time the child becomes an adolescent, he knows exactly what his parents believe. But he does not always comprehend the reasons behind the beliefs. And that’s why it’s important to take time to communicate to your kids why you believe what you believe. Standards and beliefs are reinforced by conversation; the youth needs to hear himself and his parents, as well as peers, talk about the important aspects of life. Informal discussions, particularly, can have a profound impact on the thinking of a youth. Above all, during the adolescent stage, the child needs to feel the love, confidence, and support of parents. When acceptance and love come through, the teen will also be open to all kinds of change for the good.

One of the most amazing articles I’ve ever read was in the January 1985 issue of Reader’s Digest. It is so good, I reprint it, with permission, in its entirety:[1]

How to Raise a Superstar

From a new study comes heartening news for parents: given the right conditions, almost any child can rise higher, live better, shine more brightly.

—CLAIRE SAFRAN

What makes an Einstein? A Van Cliburn? A Chris Evert Lloyd?

Great talent has always been a mystery. Where does it come from? How does it grow?

Noted educational researcher Benjamin Bloom and a team of research assistants at the University of Chicago completed a five-year study of some 120 superstars—Olympic swimmers, tennis players, concert pianists, sculptors, world-class mathematicians and scientists—the best and the brightest, the tops in their fields. Surprisingly, the educational detectives found that such superstars aren’t simply born—they are brought up that way. Their talents may differ, but their childhood experiences tend to be remarkably similar.

If Bloom is right—and many leading educators believe he is—then potential talent is more common than we think. Indeed, Bloom feels that the great majority of children, given the right conditions, can learn almost anything. “Human potential,” he insists, “is much greater than we can measure in I.Q. or aptitude tests.”

To find out more about “the right conditions,” Bloom and his team looked at those who have climbed to the top in their fields. As they explain in their new book, Developing Talent in Young People, they chose individuals who were still young, most under 35, whose childhood memories were still fresh and who often had parents and teachers still living and able to tell their parts of the story.

When the interviews were analyzed and compared, one startling finding was that similarities—the same patterns—appeared over and over again. The other big surprise: how strong the influence of home is on the superstar process.

Yet none of the parents in this study had a master plan. “If you set out to raise a great talent,” warns Bloom, “you probably won’t succeed, because you’ll push too hard.” Instead, at each step of the way, these parents simply did what they thought was good for the child at the time. Consider:

One mother tells of parking her baby’s car bed next to the tennis courts while she and her husband played. “The ping of the tennis balls may be the first sound my daughter remembers hearing,” she laughs. Another mother recalls family trips to art museums. The son of the art lovers grew up to be a famous sculptor. In almost all of the cases, that’s how the twig was bent. The child tried the activity his parents seemed to enjoy. As Bloom says, “If there’s music in a home, that doesn’t mean the child will become a musician. But if there’s not music in the home, he probably won’t.”

Bloom had expected to see child prodigies, people whose talents were obvious at an early age. Instead, he found that most of the children in the study had not been identified as gifted until after several years of hard work. The pianists showed a natural feel for rhythm and a response to music, but less than half of them had perfect pitch. Several extraordinary mathematicians had learning difficulties. And while the Olympic swimmers were seen to have talent at an early age, they were not so unusual as to be considered prodigies.

What these children did have, beyond the basic physical and mental requirements, were alert and caring parents. Thus the earliest signs of potential talent were quickly noticed and encouraged. For example, a five-year-old girl banged playfully at the piano. “That’s very nice,” said her mother. She meant it; she loved music and thought it was good that her daughter did too.

In such small and ordinary ways, something extraordinary may begin. Parents praise one activity, ignore another, and children respond. A sculptor’s mother saved every scrap of her daughter’s artwork (though not a single English composition). A mathematician’s parents praised their child for working out math problems alone in his room, something a sports-minded parent might have worried about.

A swimmer recalls that, as a little boy, he would watch his father do carpentry work. If a section wasn’t done just right, his father would tear it up and start all over again.

The boy never forgot. Ten years later, in a room filled with silver trophy cups and Olympic medals, he told an interviewer, “My father taught me that if a thing is worth doing, it’s worth doing well.”

Almost all the superstars told a personal version of that story. Although for most of them success came early, it didn’t happen overnight. None of them reached a talent peak in less than ten years of hard work. And all of them went through the same three stages:

Stage one is a time of playfulness and fun, of “falling in love” with your chosen pursuit. Next is the stage of precision, when techniques are worked on for their own sake, for the challenge and sense of competence. Then comes the stage of “making it your own,” when a personal style is developed.

The parents in this study tried to give their children the experiences that seemed right for them at each stage. To encourage the first flash of talent, the children were given lessons, but their parents sought a teacher who was “good with children,” not necessarily the best pianist or tennis player, but someone warm and friendly, quick to reward the child with praise.

After a while, the parent or teacher would decide the child needed something more to keep growing. The next teacher was more demanding, and kept the student working at a piece of music or a swimming stroke until it was right. The final teacher was both master and role model—an outstanding trainer of outstanding talents.

At every step of this process, the parents managed to find time, energy and money for needed lessons and equipment. For many, it meant scrimping. The father of a budding musician bought a grand piano instead of a badly needed new car. A tennis family spent its weekends taking the child to junior matches. Sacrifices were made, but one mother says, “We enjoyed it as much as the child did. It helped make us a family.”

Like most children, these budding stars had to be reminded to practice. But a parent often sat with them. If the future star grew discouraged, the parents offered encouragement. When a young swimmer moved into a new age group and found himself losing every race, he wanted to quit. His father told him, “Just hang on until you win one more time. Don’t quit simply because you’re losing.” By the time he won again, the boy wanted to go on.

The parents cheered them when they won and comforted them when they lost. If a child tried hard or did better than the last time, that too was a victory. Or a loss could be something to learn from, a way of seeing what you needed to work on.

After a while, though, it was up to the child. Some parents remember that another son or daughter was even more gifted, but not willing to work so hard. The superstars, by contrast, made a string of choices. It was time for practice versus time for school activities or just “hanging out.” As they entered their teens, they were giving an average of 25 hours a week to their talent. That’s more time than they spent on any other activity, including school, but no more time than the average child now spends watching television.

The parents enjoyed the talent and were there to help it along, but they weren’t living through the child. They knew the talent was the child’s.

There is a talent hiding in almost every child, according to Bloom, and parents can help nurture it into full flower. And even if superstardom is never reached, the accomplished amateur—the lifelong lover of sports, music, or intellectual pursuits—will have a better life for it.

Is it worth the time and energy? Yes, for the lessons of childhood become the instincts of adulthood. Whatever they end up doing in life, children who have mastered a skill have learned to act like winners, doing and being their best. You can’t deny it, parent. Whether it’s while the child is in the womb or as he or she goes through the stages of life to adulthood, the input is crucial to the child’s success. Positive input in various forms will generally produce positive results.

Now let’s look at some practical suggestions that will help you do a better job nurturing positive qualities in your children.

DEVELOP THOSE IMAGINATIONS

Much can be accomplished by working with your child and helping him develop his creative imagination. How? By spending a lot of time reading to him. When you read a story such as “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” and your child becomes engrossed in the story, introduce the seven dwarfs and ask your child to talk as each one would talk.

Chances are great that your child is going to want to go back to “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” time after time and go through the procedure of talking like Doc, Sleepy, Grumpy, and all the other characters. This does a number of things. First and foremost, it brings parent and child close together. Second, it stimulates the child’s imagination and creativity, giving him some activities so he is not going to get bored. Third, it begins to teach him that he can do things with his voice other than keep it in the same tone with which he normally speaks. Who knows, maybe you will discover a budding Laurence Olivier in the process!

There are other ways to develop creativity and to communicate with your child. Give him building blocks or modeling clay and ask him to use his imagination to build something different. If you have a yard for the child to play in, a sandpile where he can build sand castles, or whatever his imagination permits him to do, will keep him busy by the hour. When you give your child things like erector sets as he gets a little older, his imagination can soar as he comes up with different structures.

One classic example of where children’s real interests lie is in the fact that quite often at Christmas when the toys come out of the boxes, the kids end up playing with the boxes, not the toys. They design all kinds of things with them. And what little boy hasn’t built his own fort and what little girl hasn’t built her own dollhouse out of boxes, sticks, a pillow, an old towel or blanket, and anything else they can scrounge from their parents?

HUMOR HELPS—TRY IT

To maintain our optimism and increase our chances for raising positive kids, we must have a sense of humor to overcome the problems, obstacles, and discouragement we all confront from time to time. To a degree, all of us are somewhat like the fellow who drove onto the used car lot and approached a salesman with a question: “Sir, are you the salesman who sold me this car?” The salesman looked the fellow over pretty carefully and said, “Yes, I believe I am.” The owner of the used car said, “I wonder if you’d mind telling me about it again; sometimes I get so discouraged!” That’s pretty much the way it is sometimes with parents. Things don’t always go our way, and we need to be encouraged.

Humor can be a great encourager. Evidence is also mounting that humor is one of the truly great teaching motivational tools in our lives. A study from San Diego State (Family Concern) showed that humor helped students do better on tests. Four groups of undergraduates taking psychology were given the choice of attending either a serious lecture or a humorous one. The four groups scored equally well on a quiz immediately after the lectures; but on a retest six weeks later, students who had attended the humorous lecture demonstrated superior recall.

As I remarked earlier in discussing the positive qualities of successful people (covered in Chapter 3), humor was one of the qualities mentioned in every audience survey I’ve ever taken. In our world today there is too much grimness. Entirely too many people are walking around looking like the cruise director for the Titanic and acting like somebody licked all the red off their candy cane. Help your child develop a sense of humor.

CREATE A LOVING ENVIRONMENT

Another important step in developing positive qualities is to establish an environment for the children that promotes a sense of well-being and acceptance. You can do that by helping the kids start and end the day in a loving, optimistic way. The way you awaken your little ones will make quite a difference. If it’s with a gruff, “It’s time to get up now! Don’t let me have to tell you again!” approach, no child is going to look forward to the day with that introduction to it.

One of the most beautiful sights I have ever been privileged to watch was my daughter Suzan awakening Elizabeth, our third grandbaby. First she stood over Elizabeth’s bed and looked at her for a few seconds. Then Suzan gently stroked her forehead before she leaned over and kissed her softly and gently awake. As Elizabeth started to awaken, she stretched and opened her eyes. The delight of her introduction into the world of that day was certainly a pleasure to behold.

All the time, daughter Suzan was gently talking and lovingly welcoming Elizabeth back to the world of the waking. Thus, waking up became a pleasurable experience rather than a disagreeable one.

I believe most parents start with their babies like that, but unfortunately, over the years, things have a tendency to change. Children are hurried off to bed between television commercials. They are awakened by parents banging on the door, screaming, “Get up right now! We can’t be late again today!” Then they’re hustled to grab a quick bite to eat, rushed into the car, and away they go for the day!

Suggestion: Gently tap on your child’s door, go in and sit on the bedside, stroke your child’s head and softly kiss their forehead. Tell them you love them and that it’s going to be a beautiful day for them and for you. Tell them they’re going to have some fun and learn some exciting things and that you want to hear all about their day when you get together for dinner. That evening, thirty minutes before bedtime, remind your child to brush their teeth, call about the homework assignment, put the cat out, bring the bicycle in, get both drinks of water and take all three trips to the bathroom.

At bedtime, turn off the TV, take your child by the hand, lead them back to the bed, tuck them in, then chat with them for a while. For a child, love is spelled T-I-M-E, and your child is more likely to open up and reveal his/her heart just before they go to sleep than at any other time of the day. Ten to fifteen minutes can make a big difference in the bonding process with your child by giving them the precious assurance that they are deeply loved, that you have time for them, and they are more important than ten more minutes of television.

When the child gets older, considerate parents will make one alteration in the procedure, namely, they will gently knock on the door before they enter the room to awaken the child. If the child is already awake, he will not be caught in an embarrassing state of undress when Mom or Dad walks in. This is especially important when Mom is awakening a son or Dad is awakening a daughter.

“HERE’S A WINNER”

The last suggestion I would like for you to remember is the value of affirming children with kind words. You never know when a moment and a few sincere words can have an impact on a life. On a recent trip I met a good-looking little guy with an infectious grin who had “winner” written all over him. He was with his parents at one of our seminars on the West Coast and was obviously comfortable in an audience of adults. Since I had a moment at the time his parents introduced him to me, I did what I always do under those circumstances. I leaned down, looked him right in the eye, and asked him a question that led to a short but exciting interchange. Zig: “Son, do you know what I can do?” Youngster: “No.” Zig: “I have a special talent, and I can do something most people can’t do. Do you have any idea what it is?” Youngster (puzzled but definitely interested): “No.” Zig: “I can spot a winner when I see one, and I never miss.” Youngster: “You can?” Zig: “Yes, and if I’ve ever seen a winner, you definitely are one.”

The entire interchange took no more than one minute, but the youngster and his parents were beaming. A few days later I got a beautiful letter from his mother that convinced me I should use the same procedure every time I have a moment with a youngster. (As you surely must know by now, I believe all kids are born to win. Unfortunately, many of them have been conditioned to lose.)

This little guy had been badly abused as a baby and had suffered several broken bones before he was two years old, not to mention the emotional and psychological wounds. By the time he was three, however, he had been adopted, and the miracle of love from his new parents had worked wonders. The mother was simply thanking me for adding another step to his encouragement ladder as her son continues in his climb to the top. She said that the brief encounter had been very meaningful to her son and that she and her husband would never let him forget that he truly is a winner.

Message: To raise your children as positive winners, you need to frequently assure them that they are winners.

A CHILD NEEDS TO KNOW HE IS SPECIAL

This idea is tremendously important. Richard Green, a dynamic Dallas businessman, has taken an effective and unique approach with his children. Both are adopted, and so the Greens celebrate two birthdays—one is the date of birth and the other is the date of adoption. This communicates to Creed and Brooke that they are very special and makes their adoption a plus with a resultant boost to their self-images.

Creed, who is six, and Brooke, who is three, are also given some other special treatments. When Creed was four years old, the Greens established a night each week especially for him. If he was “good” that week, he earned the right to do whatever he wanted, within reason, on his special night. One of the things he wanted to do one week was go to a discount department store and watch the fish. On that Friday night, the Greens went to the store, got Creed a little chair, and sat him down in the center of all those aquariums. For one solid hour he sat there in total delight, watching all the fish as they swam around.

YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN A MOMENT AND A FEW SINCERE WORDS CAN HAVE AN IMPACT ON A LIFE.

Not only did Creed thoroughly enjoy every moment of it, but his mom and dad were communicating his uniqueness and their love for him. I’m convinced that, as he watched the different fish and other aquarium life and looked at the plants and rocks, he was absorbing some of the beauties and miracles of God through nature. The cost, of course, was zero with the exception of the gas and oil required to go to the local store.

From time to time, on superspecial occasions, Mr. Green takes Creed to his business with him. He dresses him up in a suit, making certain his shoes are shined and his hair is properly brushed. For a brief time he takes Creed around the business and introduces him to the employees. He has taught him how to shake hands and courteously respond to each person. This establishes an important relationship between father and son, and the process of dressing up gives his self-image another boost. Going with his dad and observing his dad’s managerial position plants in Creed’s mind managerial objectives of his own that will someday be within his reach. The cost—still zero. Richard Green is building a “winner.”

I close this chapter with an example told me by my friends Jerry and Jo Bacon, who live in Charleston, South Carolina. Several years ago they encountered an interesting situation with their beautiful daughter, Beth, who truly is the little “Miss America” type of girl. She’s enthusiastic, motivated, courteous, dependable, pleasant, loving, outgoing—all the good things! Her nature was cheerful from the time she got up until she went to bed.

Several years ago, Jerry and Jo gave Beth a clock radio for Christmas to awaken her in the morning. They did not realize it, but they set the radio dial on a rock music station. Each morning when she awakened, she heard five minutes of news that had taken place the day and night before. Then the station started playing rock music.

The change was slow and barely noticeable, but over a period of two or three months Beth became progressively more irritable and grumpy about a lot of different things. She didn’t laugh as much, she complained a lot more, she was not nearly as loving and affectionate; in short, she became a different little girl.

Jo and Jerry noticed the changes and did some brainstorming. One thing led to another until they traced the change back to Christmas and the clock radio. The solution was simplicity itself. They took the clock radio out of Beth’s room (yes, she fussed about that, too; but responsible, loving parents do what is best for the child and the family). Each morning one of them would go in and awaken her with hugs and kisses and a cheerful welcome to the new day. Obviously, you know the end of the story or you wouldn’t be reading about it—and of course, you’re right. In a matter of weeks she again became the happy, loving, enthusiastic girl she had always been. Change the input, and you change the output.

Children Learn What They Live

If a child lives with criticism,

He learns to condemn.

If a child lives with hostility,

He learns violence.

If a child lives with ridicule,

He learns to be shy.

If a child lives with shame,

He learns to feel guilty.

If a child lives with encouragement,

He learns confidence.

If a child lives with praise,

He learns to appreciate.

If a child lives with fairness,

He learns justice.

If a child lives with security,

He learns faith.

If a child lives with approval,

He learns to like himself.

If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,

He learns to love the world.

—DOROTHY LAW NOLTE,

copyright © 1972

PERSONAL EVALUATION

1. How early is too early to begin the education process with your kids?

2. A young child needs rules to follow. Paint a picture in your mind of a child who lives free of rules.

3. What are some ways that being consistent in setting boundaries for your child has benefited your family life?

4. Do you know anyone who has taught or is in the process of teaching their children at home? If so, have you asked them about the experience? Is this something you should look into?

5. As stated earlier, the early years are critical. Can you finish the quote “Take control _______ or ________”?

6. What are the “ages” children go through according to John Drescher? What is the major characteristic of each age?

7. Are you lovingly putting your child(ren) to bed and awakening them the same way?

SIX

The Tridimensional Child

No responsible parent would ever dream of denying his child the privilege of acquiring an education. If a child is reared in an environment where he is given absolutely no instructions of any kind on how to develop his mind, he will be seriously handicapped. Most parents, of course, agree with this and make at least casual efforts to see that their child is given the opportunity to learn and grow. As a matter of fact, every state in our nation has compulsory education laws.

Everyone will also agree that our physical needs must be taken care of. In the United States parents are punished for denying their children the basic needs of food, shelter, and clothing. Again, no responsible, loving parent would dream of starving his child or of giving his child a diet selected only to sustain life and not permit growth and healthy activity.

FREEDOM OF OR FROM RELIGION?

It’s not as evident on the surface, not as easy to measure as needs in the physical and mental arenas, but the case for teaching a child spiritual values is overwhelming. If parents really are serious about wanting to raise a positive kid, they most emphatically will not neglect the spiritual needs of their tridimensional kid.

FAITH IS YOUR RESPONSE TO GOD’S ABILITY.

Some parents piously adjust their halos and maintain that they do not want to impose their “religious values” on their child, so they will not take their child to church or give him any biblical training or instruction. They maintain that they will wait until the child is old enough to make his own choice. By any means of measurement that’s a cop-out, and it’s the worst kind.

Would these same parents trust the judgment of their six- or eight-year-old to choose his diet, his bedtime, the clothes he buys, or what he wears in freezing weather? I can’t conceive of a parent leaving the moral and spiritual training of a small child to chance or leaving the choice to him “when he’s old enough.”

By the time the child reaches that age, he will already have made his choice and will have been influenced directly or indirectly by the parent. A parent who follows this line of reasoning has spoken loudly and clearly that since religion and faith in God are not a part of his own life, it must not be important.

This conclusion is obvious because usually a small child feels the parent can do no wrong; the parent, in essence, becomes an image of the child’s “god.” Many psychologists will agree that a parent who is abusive of the child, particularly the father, will create difficulties for the child’s entire life, especially in the religious dimension. The child will, in his own way, rationalize that if his earthly father is thoughtless, brutal, cruel, unloving, and uncaring, what evidence does he have that his heavenly Father would be any different?

WE TEACH—BY NOT TEACHING

Constitutional lawyer William Ball says that when we took God out of our schools, we established a basic thought pattern. He says the most important reason for the presence of God in school is because a child spends a substantial part of his life in schooling, that is, within the school walls.

The child is told that is where he is getting his education. If religion is not present, if it is barred from the whole process, the child inevitably comes to consider it irrelevant. It isn’t a part of his moral and intellectual learning environment. That teaches a very strong lesson. At the very least, the omission of religion teaches him that religion is nonessential.

That’s one of the reasons I believe we need prayer in our schools. Of course, it already has returned to some schools. Not long ago I saw a neat little sign in a principal’s office that stated, “In the event of nuclear attack, fire, or earthquake, the ban on prayer is temporarily lifted.”

The ancient Chinese, Egyptian, Greek, and Roman civilizations all recognized that man is a tridimensional being. The spiritual aspect of man is the most important but the most neglected. I believe a child’s spiritual condition is the controlling factor behind what he will become. Out of the soul of man flow his attitudes, and his attitudes, not his aptitude, will determine his altitude in life. In the final analysis, the depth of his spirit will determine the height of his success.

THE NEED FOR BALANCE

We need to have a reasonable balance in all of life. We can go overboard with just about anything, but the problem in our day isn’t that we’ve gone overboard with our faith and religious involvement. We’re far from that! The University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research reports that the percentage of American adults attending religious services at least once a month declined from 60 percent in 1981 to 55 percent in 1998. What’s missing among us is a balance of the spiritual in a society that is obviously seeking, but not finding, satisfaction in only the mental-intellectual and physical-sensual realms of life. There’s something out of balance.

There is a way to be right—not perfect—but “right” in the sense of being “in balance” mentally, physically, and spiritually. Just as a person who wants to be mentally sharp attends seminars and refresher courses and reads journals in his field of endeavor, and just as a person who wants to be physically fit exercises regularly, so a person who wants to live his potential will daily seek spiritual refreshment.

In this chapter I’m going to concentrate on the physical and spiritual aspects of raising a positive child, since I devote so much of the rest of the book to the importance of positive mental input. Now let’s take a good look at the physical.

PHYSICAL HEALTH FOR

MENTAL AND SOCIAL GROWTH

An article in the Kansas City Times by Dr. Gabe Mirkin emphasizes the importance of our physical condition. He used twelve-year-old Jamie as an example. Although a bright child, Jamie did poorly in school last year. He was slightly overweight, and his muscle tone was below what it should be. Jamie was restless and unable to sit still very long. It seems that about all he did was watch TV or go to the movies, and he was not involved in any kind of sports. During the summer Dr. Mirkin put Jamie on an exercise program that Jamie himself had chosen.

Dr. Mirkin pointed out that many children are like Jamie and do not get enough exercise, even though we usually think of childhood as a time of great activity: “Being out of shape is associated with a greater chance of scholastic underachievement, so I recommended that Jamie get more exercise. The results were good. Jamie’s doing much better. He’s now playing on a youth football team and is doing well in school.”

According to Dr. Mirkin, several studies have shown that being unfit is a characteristic of many students who do poorly in class. Eighty-three percent of the students who flunked out of Syracuse University could not pass a minimal physical fitness test. Most of the students who failed to graduate from the United States Military Academy at West Point were at the bottom of their class in physical fitness.

Pioneering studies by A. H. Ismail, a professor of physical education at Purdue University, have shown that “physically fit people are more intellectually inclined, emotionally stable, composed, self-confident, easygoing and relaxed.

“The very act of keeping in shape reinforces these personality attributes,” says the Purdue researcher. “Exercise not only makes you fitter, it can even sharpen a person’s ability to process information, consequently enhancing one’s learning capabilities,” Ismail says. “A subject who is rebellious, emotionally unstable, uptight and aggressive can change his personality through a long-term physical fitness program. Such a program, besides making one feel healthier, also causes one to calm down, be more composed, self-confident, easygoing and relaxed.”

EXERCISE AND DIET FOR MENTAL AGILITY

“We know that physically fit people who exercise consistently and keep fit become more systematic and organized in their problem-solving abilities and improve their verbal and numerical skills.” Ismail cites the results of research at many universities, including Purdue. In his own studies, sixty men—ranging in age from twenty-five to sixty-five—were psychologically tested before and after completing a four-month physical fitness program. “Subjects who tested low in emotional stability before the exercise program showed marked improvement in final tests after the program,” Ismail says.

The link between physical fitness and academic accomplishment may be the fact that young people who exercise feel better about themselves. The self-confidence, it is theorized, carries over into their study habits.

As an enthusiastic exercise buff, I can assure you from personal experience there are definite mental and possibly psychological benefits that go with physical exercise. Scientifically speaking, Dr. Kenneth Cooper says that when you exercise, you activate the pituitary gland that floods the system with endorphins, which are two hundred times more powerful than morphine. As a result, for the next one to three hours, your energy level is higher, and your creativity is at a peak. The increased energy level combined with the added mental alertness certainly should be helpful academically.

One of the most critical areas in a child’s life has to do with his personal appearance. Too often, this relates to what a child eats and drinks. Many things we cannot control, such as how tall or short we are, whether or not we have freckles or red hair. We can’t control whether we’re left-handed or right-handed, but there are many things we can control by diet, exercise, and common sense.

Ideally, the child should never be given candy, soft drinks, or most of the junk food so prevalent on the market today. Realistically, that would be an extremely difficult regimen to follow. The prevalence of so many sweets, the public acceptance, the advertising, the availability in our friends’ homes, at parties, and virtually every other place would make abstinence extremely difficult. However, a great deal can be done about the amount consumed, and the parent really interested in raising positive kids will make an all-out effort to do exactly that. For example, the average American adolescent consumes 836 cans of soda pop each year (These Times, February 1984). That’s more than two every day. That borders on insanity and is absolutely ridiculous! Recent reports from the American Psychological Association show that cutting down on sugar intake sometimes results in as much as an 80 percent drop in misbehavior among severe delinquents in this country.

DEALING WITH AN OBESE CHILD

At the first sign their baby is overweight, parents should ask the doctor specifically what they can do to control the weight, because the earlier it is addressed, the simpler it’s going to be to control. I’ve seen parents put soft drinks in a baby’s bottle, so the infant gurgles away on a high-sugar drink with totally empty calories that add up to a considerable amount of bulk. That’s the easy way—temporarily—for the busy mother, but it makes no allowances for the devastating effects it can have on the child. Just think of the time and tears involved later with an overweight child.

The reduction of sugar can have a dramatic impact on the weight problem with which so many children are afflicted. One of the saddest sights in our society today is little guys and gals on the sidelines of life not being invited to participate in athletic events or kids’ games because they are overweight and cannot perform as well as the other kids.

The habits the little ones acquire early determine whether or not they’re going to become overweight. The amount of food, the circumstances under which the food is eaten, and the type of food will certainly play important roles.

There are probably a thousand rules that could be followed to keep your child’s weight under control, but let’s look at a few simple ones:

1. Make mealtimes, when humanly possible, the most casual, relaxing experiences of the day. Family problems need to be discussed at other times. Watching a blaring television set and reading magazines, newspapers, or books during meals are absolute no-no’s. The emphasis should be on the family and on the food. You can eat an entire meal accompanied by outside distractions and not really be aware of the fact you’re eating. The result is that often you will eat more than you should.

2. Limit your child’s intake of junk food. One critical stage of life for the youngster arrives when he is old enough to select his own foods and concentrates on sweets and junk food. The time quickly comes when the parent must put a foot down and say no to this destructive habit. If the child rebels and doesn’t eat anything, don’t sweat it. By the next day or even the next meal, he will discover a real taste for enough of the foods with some nutritional value that he won’t starve to death.

This reminds me of the humorous story my speaker-brother, Judge Ziglar, told of the two old boys talking about feeding their dogs. One of them said he gave his dog the finest dog food money could buy. The other one said he fed his dog turnip greens. The first one replied that his dog wouldn’t eat turnip greens. The second one came right back and said, “Mine wouldn’t either—the first three weeks.”

Your child might not eat anything (or so it appears) for a day or two, but it’s important that neither Mom nor Dad gives in and lets the child have that soft drink, package of cookies, or bar of candy because he “hasn’t had a thing to eat all day.” People who fast will emphatically tell you that a day, or even two or three days, without a single bite of food might not be a bad idea for all of us to follow.

3. Provide a healthy breakfast. For too many Americans, breakfast is a high-sugar cereal with little staying power. A choice of fruit, whole grain cereals, whole wheat or rye toast with a low-calorie spread, and a small glass of milk is excellent. Add a small portion from dinner the evening before, particularly if it is chicken or veal, and you have an ideal breakfast for a child. Since the speed at which your child eats makes a substantial difference in the amount he eats, be sure to allow plenty of time for breakfast by starting the day thirty minutes earlier.

Study after study reveals that children who start the day with a good breakfast do better in school. Additionally, children who skip breakfast often compensate later in the day by eating salty snacks, which can lead to weight gain and hypertension.

Eating a nutritious breakfast also gives the kids time with Mom and/or Dad before going to school, which is extremely important. This allows the parents to set the stage for the day and to provide encouragement.

Along these same lines, it is extremely important to be patient, noncritical, and loving. The kids need to leave home feeling secure and accepted, or they might seek acceptance from the wrong crowd at school. When they return home and the time frame is more leisurely, you can deal with appearance, unmade beds, or poor eating habits in a more effective manner.

The second most important meal is in the evening. In most homes that is the day’s heaviest meal, but in reality, that should be the lightest one. A general rule is to eat breakfast like a millionaire, lunch like a man on a strict budget, and dinner like you had just lost your job. The evening meal should be eaten as early as possible, by or before 6:00 P.M.

4. Use commonsense principles. It is important for parents to realize that it is unwise to stuff the baby on a wide variety of foods, force it to overeat, and then take drastic action with the four-year-old youngster who is substantially overweight. It is wrong to suddenly make a dramatic change in the child’s eating habits while Mom and Dad continue to eat breads, pastries, sweets, and other weight producers. When one member of the family is overweight and hurting, every member of the family needs to cooperate and work together to help the overweight one lose weight. Incidentally, nagging and criticizing are the wrong course to follow. Loving encouragement and firm discipline are the elements of the proper approach.

Most Americans will drive around a shopping center ten minutes looking for a parking spot closest to the entrance. Parents should park a reasonable distance from the front door and then walk to the center unless the weather is severe. A brisk walk is certainly one of the nicest things that can happen to a family. Not only does it bring the family together, but it also has the added benefit of burning calories and getting everyone in better shape physically. Another simple exercise procedure for you and your children is to always walk up to second-and third-floor offices. It’s good for you.

5. Be patient. Above all things, here’s an area where common sense should apply. If your child is substantially overweight because of eating too much and never doing anything physical, you’re not going to effect a 180-degree turnaround instantly. As a matter of fact, you will create resentment and possibly have a rebellion on your hands if you attempt drastic action.

One simple and effective step is to deliberately run out of the villains in the kitchen—cakes, cookies, ice cream, starches, and high-calorie foods. Another thing you can do is to cook more realistically and scientifically. Start eliminating sauces, gravies, and the extras that make such a difference in the number of calories.

Changing from white bread saturated in butter and topped with cheese to whole wheat bread with one of the low-calorie spreads on it can make a difference of a hundred calories or even more. The nutritional value, in addition to the dramatic reduction of cholesterol, can substantially affect your child for the better.

6. Be a good example. Parents, the example you set will be the greatest single influence on your child’s weight and eating habits. Robert Dunham, who writes for the Los Angeles Times Syndicate, says,

When parents eat excessively, it’s only natural to assume that their children also will over-indulge. The clean-your-plate syndrome and the ideal of the chubby-cheeked, overweight baby seems to be deeply ingrained in our society. “It’s just baby fat; he’ll outgrow it,” is a common expression. The problem with that is it’s probably not true. The claim that the child has a glandular problem is actually the result of over-eating or eating too many of the wrong foods.

It’s a well-documented fact that overweight children are rejected often by their peers. Teasing “fatties” starts in kindergarten or first grade and intensifies through grade school, junior high, and high school. Fat children are teased because they are overweight. Because they are overweight, they are less active and can’t play as long or as hard as other children. Subsequently, they develop fewer friends. Many of them go home alone, rejected by their playmates, and take out their frustrations by overeating.

HOPE IS THE POWER THAT GIVES A PERSON CONFIDENCE TO STEP OUT AND TRY!

7. Encourage healthy snacking. A real plus is that children do not need a significant weight loss to slim down. If children maintain their weight over a two- or three-year period, they’re actually losing excess body fat since they’re growing in height. One major villain in the weight battle is continual snacking, which is often a bigger problem than overeating at mealtime. If children really need snacks, make sure they eat them at the table and not in front of the TV. Also, serve snacks such as fresh fruit, nuts, yogurt, carrot sticks, celery, and fresh juices instead of jelly donuts, chocolate milk, and ice cream. At least a once-a-week weigh-in is a must for the overweight child—and the parents—example is still the best teacher.

TEAM EFFORT AND EXERCISE

Weight loss is a team effort. The mother can partially control the amount the child eats by serving less on the plate, not offering seconds, and cutting out desserts except for a rare treat. Remember, if the child loses weight or even stays the same, that’s progress. However, if the child loses two or three pounds per week over an extended period, normal growth could be adversely affected. Moderation is the key word. Experts say one pound per week for an obese child should be the maximum amount to lose.

Do not expect nine-year-olds to outgrow their weight problems. These problems need to be treated while they are still young. If children are still overweight by the time they reach seventeen, chances are that they will never return to normal weight for any extended period of time. Obese babies often become obese adolescents, and obese adolescents usually become obese adults who are prime candidates for heart disease, hypertension, and diabetes.

Dr. Ken Cooper of aerobics fame says that the only way to permanently lose weight is to combine sensible eating habits with a sensible exercise program. Repeated or prolonged dieting often makes it easier and easier to gain weight on less and less food. Psychologist Martin Katahan, director of the Weight Management Program, says that the body interprets severe calorie restriction as a threat to its survival and lowers the metabolic rate to conserve energy. Whereas 2,000 calories a day may have maintained the prediet weight, consuming only 1,400 calories now may cause a weight gain. Exercise, plus sensible eating, is the key to sustained weight loss, Katahan advises. He recommends making time for 200 calories worth of daily exercise, such as a forty-five-minute brisk walk. Just expending that extra 200 calories a day would mean twenty or thirty fewer pounds of fat within a year.

START EARLY ON THE SPIRITUAL

Dr. James Dobson, psychologist and author, has remarked that kids begin to “buy in” to your spiritual guidance and direction in values at about five years of age. At that point in your child’s life and experience, you are the role models—the most significant people to whom your child looks for direction in every aspect of life. What your kid needs above all in a world that is spiritually out of balance is the example of a clear, consistent, disciplined approach to faith in God. It is most important that he sees this beginning in his earliest years.

The inner spiritual qualities of a man—the spiritual substance—make him and society great. Our nation was built on, and it will stand on, a spiritual foundation.

In the 1830s Alexis de Tocqueville toured America. When his tour had been completed, he made this observation (and I paraphrase):

I have toured America, and I have seen most of what you offer. I’ve seen the richness of the fields and the wealth of your mines. I’ve seen your industrial might, the beauties of the rivers, the streams, the lakes, and the grandeur of the mountains. I’ve noticed the abundance of the forests and the marvelous climate with which you are blessed.

In none of these things did I see the cause for the greatness of America. It wasn’t until I went into your churches that I saw the reason for America’s greatness. America is great because America is good; and as long as America is good, America will be great. If it ever ceases to be good, it will cease to be great.

In her book Pathfinders, Gail Sheehy reports her study to determine what characterizes people who have a strong sense of satisfaction about themselves and about their lives. One thing she discovered was that in every group she surveyed, the most satisfied people were also likely to be the most religious. Another of her findings showed the strong role commitment plays in shaping lives. The results among high-satisfaction people were dramatic. The greater well-being a person reflected, the more likely he or she was to have an outside purpose. The distinction is so considerable as to make the current philosophy of “looking out for number one” sound like a national suicide pact.

In a speech made in Indianapolis, Dr. Anthony “Tony” Campolo, a noted professor of sociology at Eastern College in Pennsylvania, had a great deal to say about psychology’s current preoccupation with the influences of one’s personal past. However, based on his wide counseling experience and on the changes he has seen in people’s lives, Dr. Campolo has come to a different conclusion. He made this statement:

What you commit yourself to be will change what you are and make you into a completely different person. Let me repeat that. Not the past but the future conditions you, because what you commit yourself to become determines what you are—more than anything that ever happened to you yesterday or the day before. Therefore I ask you a very simple question: What are your commitments? Where are you going? What are you going to be? You show me somebody who hasn’t decided, and I’ll show you somebody who has no identity, no personality, no direction.

I continually meet people who say, “The major problem of today’s contemporary youth is that they have an identity crisis!” You know why they have an identity crisis? They don’t have a commitment.

I’m not suggesting that merely attending a house of worship will give you a relationship with the Creator of heaven and earth. I am saying that your life and spiritual walk, so necessary for reaching your potential while raising positive kids, will only be successfully nurtured and strengthened through your commitment to, and regular participation with, a body of believers. When I speak of faith, I speak of the most essential aspect of a man and his “potential.” Our future—your future and the future of your kids—depends on the spiritual principles upon which this country was built and now stands.

THIS IS WHAT LASTS

The basis of the spiritual life was described by the apostle Paul. He wrote down what is one of the greatest revelations of God, “Now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love” (1 Cor. 13:13). He said, “Now abide”; in other words, this is what lasts; this is what remains; this is what endures.

The pricelessness of precious gems is significantly due to the fact that they endure, that they have a lasting, abiding quality. The pricelessness of these gems of the spirit—faith, hope, and love—is the fact that they endure. And these three elements bring into a person’s life the enduring, abiding, strengthening qualities of character that provide the foundation upon which success can be built.

These three gems speak of attitudes. Faith—faithfulness is an attitude; it speaks of the qualities of trust, reliability, and loyalty. Hope—hopefulness is an attitude; it describes the qualities of sincere expectation, confidence, inspiration, and enthusiasm. Love—love describes the most lasting, the most precious and valuable spiritual attitude that bears the solid gold fruit of commitment, sacrifice, and honesty. Bundle all of these things together and they describe integrity, the inner essence of a person with whom anyone would want to associate.

FAITH: THE UNIFYING PRINCIPLE OF LIFE

Faith is the unifying principle of life—it’s what gives life meaning and definition and direction. Faith unifies a person and provides the spiritual “glue” that holds life together and keeps a focus on goals and the future. Faith is what makes life livable. Faith is the attitude of man that results in his ability to believe in the future and to work toward tomorrow.

I’ve seen enthusiastic, hardworking individuals who apparently had it all, but inside they were still cornered, going virtually nowhere. They were as equipped for a blastoff to success as an astronaut in a space shuttle, except that they still lacked the fuel of faith that would deliver the power to their ideas, dreams, and aspirations.

For your kids, your faith will be a living lesson they will learn from you. Your example will be the most influential factor, and your parental coaching through life will be the next most influential factor.

Tomorrow may bring difficulty, trial, and distress, but I know the God of heaven and earth will already be there and a solution will be available if I have the faith to find it. Faith is the first step and is a unifying principle that gives us a sense of confidence. Faith adds to life not only a sense of definition and purpose, but it also provides a belief in that which is possible. It is hope with believability. Faith is your response to God’s ability.

HOPE: THE GREAT MOTIVATOR

Hope is the fruit of faith. Unfortunately, when most people talk about hope, they’re talking about something they don’t really expect. When people talk about an idea, a challenge, or a goal, you’ll often hear someone say, “I hope so,” which really means, “Not a chance! However, I just don’t want to be negative about it.” But the hope that is discussed in the Bible is defined as “expectation with desire.” Expectation gets us going!

This kind of hope is more than just a refreshing aspect of life. It is a medically documented healing fact as well. Dr. Viktor Frankl studied the survivors of the Nazi prison camps after World War II. He found that there were among the survivors a strong will, desire, and hope that characterized their attitudes. Hope—with believability—is one of the greatest gifts you can give your child. It’s an essential tool in his success arsenal.

Hope is the power that gives a person confidence to step out and try! Hope, through a spiritual relationship with God, produces an attitude of enthusiasm (enthusiasm literally means “God within”) and encouragement that adds the energy of aspiration to a person’s every inspiration. Faith opens the door to inspiration, and hope powers the forward thrust of aspiration. It’s more than just a cliché to say that when the going gets tough—the hopeful keep going.

BELIEVE—AND TEACH WITH YOUR LIFE

At the age of forty-five, when faith became a fact of life for me, my life was changed and enriched. My health has improved substantially—physically and financially. I’m happier, have more real security, and far more peace of mind than I ever dreamed possible. My relationship with my wife and children is better than ever, and it’s always been good. I truly have the peace of mind that passes all understanding. Even as I write these words, I can’t help thinking of the tragedy and basic unfairness if your child was never introduced to God and the Scriptures. That is not the way to raise positive children in a negative world.

By the way, if you are affirming these essential lip-values in your life, I believe you need to reinforce them by regular attendance in your house of worship. You need to go as a family, regularly, diligently, as a matter of commitment. Dr. Henry Brandt, a marvelous Christian psychologist, has an answer for the question “Do you think we should make our kids go to church?” Dr. Brandt says that even if the kids don’t want to go, you take them anyhow.

Parent: “Suppose the child really objects? Just flat doesn’t want to go?”

Dr. Brandt: “You still take him. Let me ask you a question. If your child was sick and didn’t want to go to the doctor, what would you do?”

Parent: “Obviously, I’d take my child to the doctor.”

Dr. Brandt: “Why would you do that?”

Parent: “Because it’s good for the child.”

Dr. Brandt: “You use the same line of reasoning. It’s good for your child to take him to church—so take him.”

If spirituality is not presented in the home, children will consider it only a peculiar aspect of the life of some people who are seen at church. They may even come to think of spirituality in terms of going to church, which is a gross misunderstanding if a person is sincerely seeking the way to a positive, powerful, productive way of life.

Yes, your kids can make it through life, have a job, have a family, and be respected without having a meaningful spiritual life. They can make it through life all right, but I’m convinced that it takes a solid spiritual life to draw out and develop your kids’ abilities and potential—to give them the tridimensional foundation to be all that God intended them to be.

PERSONAL EVALUATION

1. Because of your actions—or lack thereof—about religion, what view of God does your child have?

2. Physical fitness and academic accomplishment are linked. What are some ways you can ensure your child stays in good physical health?

3. Good health is simple, not easy. What does that mean?

4. Why is a team effort important in the areas of a child’s physical and spiritual development?

5. How different is the religious training you are giving your children from that which you received from your parents? Why?

SEVEN

For a Child, Love Is Spelled T-I-M-E

CHANGE IF ONLY TO NEXT TIME

Motivational speaker and leadership trainer Sheila Murray Bethel expresses a profound thought in this manner: “Never once have I heard an older person look back on life and say, ‘Boy, oh boy! I wish I had spent more time with the corporation!’ or, ‘If I had it to do over, I would get up even earlier in the morning and go down to the company and really get after my job!’”

In looking back, I can tell you the thousands of hours my wife invested in our children and the considerable time I invested in them were not wasted. Our children are worth every moment of it. Should you ask us what we would do differently if we had to start over, here’s what I would say: “I would do more of the things I did, spend more time with them, have far more family outings and vacations. I’d be a little more firm, a little more demanding, and lots more loving and understanding.”

Most of my other time and energy investments have gone by the board, but the investments of time and energy in my children and my wife are now paying dividends of love and enjoyment beyond my wildest imagination. That’s the reason you will often hear me say, “You don’t ‘pay the price,’ you enjoy the benefits.”

Surely the saddest words in the English language are if only. The only really bad thing about these words is that they take us backward into time already past, of course, and we no longer live there. Still, we use them much of the time: “If only I had it to do over, I would do thus and so”; “If only I had known he or she was that sick, I would have taken off a week earlier.” Yes, the words if only can be extremely sad, negative words.

The fortunate thing is that you’re in a position to change if only to next time. Here’s what I mean. Don’t say, “If only I had known it was important to my son that I attend his basketball game”; or “If only I had known it was that important for me to see my daughter in the school play, I would have made a special effort to be there.” As a positive parent raising positive kids, you need to say, “Next time this opportunity presents itself, I’m going to be right there for the special event in my child’s life.”

IT’S NOT EASY

One thing I have emphasized throughout is that the task of raising positive kids is not easy. It would be much easier to do only what you have to do to coast through life and just “let ’em grow,” as millions of parents seem to be doing. However, I can tell you, after seeing the tears of countless heartbroken parents, that the price you pay for not investing the time and for not giving your best shot to raising positive kids is far, far too high. The time-and-energy-investment bargain of all time is that time and effort you give to your kids. Dividends will come your way all your life.

The story is told that Fritz Kreisler, the world-famous violinist, was once approached by an enthusiastic music fan who cried, “Mr. Kreisler, I’d give my life to play as you do!” “Madam,” he quietly replied, “I did.” I am not suggesting you have to give your life to raise a positive child, but I am suggesting that you’re going to have to give many hours of time.

Please understand that there are exceptions to every rule. I have known some parents who did everything right. They are loving, caring, and concerned. They spent a great deal of time with their child. They taught good, sound, moral values and still lost, at least temporarily, the child to drugs, crime, or an immoral lifestyle. By and large, however, the odds improve dramatically on your behalf and on your child’s behalf if you will spend a quantity of quality time with your child early in his life.

As a matter of fact, it’s fairly safe to say that you will spend time with your children, one way or the other. You will spend time with them when they are toddlers coming along, as you teach them your values and your beliefs, or later in life you will spend time attempting to get them out of the difficulties they got into because somebody else, namely, the world, taught them its values and beliefs.

A QUANTITY OF QUALITY TIME

I’m obviously talking about quality time here, but it is represented by a considerable amount of quantity time. There is no way you can sit down with your child and say, “Okay, now, let’s have ten minutes of quality time.” I vividly remember one Sunday evening after nine o’clock when Tom and I, along with his good friend Sam Wing, were out running. We finished the run, and as we walked past Sam’s house and he made his departure, my son said, “Dad, let’s walk.” He and I walked for an additional ten minutes.

Those ten minutes were among the most meaningful ten minutes I’ve ever spent with my son. To be honest, I’ve forgotten what we talked about, but I vividly remember that I’ve never felt any closer to him. However, those ten minutes would probably have not been so important had he and I not spent some time together before then. We’d been in Sunday school and church together; we’d been to lunch together; we’d been together the entire afternoon; we’d had dinner together; and we’d run together. We were totally relaxed, at ease, and were communicating together—and that’s what made those ten minutes so great.

The question of quality time is one that has been kicked around for several years. Initially it was, in my opinion, a term invented by the “experts” and used by many parents as well as husbands and wives as a cop-out. They justified their lack of time with their children or mate by using the phrase as a catchall, as an excuse for the limited time they spent with their loved ones.

Quality family time is tremendously important. For example, it could be a planned visit with close friends or relatives. It could mean a leisurely but informative afternoon at the zoo or the museum. It could mean a family picnic where all members of the family participate in preparing the food, choosing the location, and planning the activities for both before and after the meal. It could be a trip to a nearby historical site or a walk in the park or neighborhood.

Seldom, however, is quality time significant if it is time dutifully set aside so that you can spend an hour with your mate or your child with the attitude, “Now, let’s have this quality time together—what do you want to talk about?” On the other hand, if it is a time when you plan to be at home together, visiting, cooking out on the grill, or doing something else planned or spontaneous, it can be a meaningful event.

When our oldest grandchildren were small, one of the quality-time events at our house was to have all our children, their spouses and our grandchildren, come to the house on Christmas Eve. All of us would spend the night together then celebrate Christmas morning together. We still spend Christmas Eve together and it is truly one of the highlights of the year.

THE EARLY YEARS ARE SO IMPORTANT

One of the most important decisions a couple ever makes is to bring a new life, through the grace of God, into this world. With all the problems we face in society—child abuse, violence, crime—and with all the difficulties of daily life, it is not a decision to be taken lightly.

Once the decision is made to have a child, then other issues must be considered. What are your plans for raising the child? Does the mother plan to go back to work if she is currently employed? Does she plan to stay at home for six weeks, six months, one year, two years? In many situations that decision is dictated by the financial necessities of life, but on this score, I would like to advance several thoughts. Think about what is best for the baby. Let’s say you decide it would be best for the baby if the mother stays home. But this decision conflicts with your concern that one paycheck won’t meet the family’s needs. At this point you need to weigh several factors to make certain that it’s in the family’s best financial interests for the mother to work outside the home. An excellent place to start this evaluation is with other mothers, both those who work outside the home and those who don’t.

Many families find that if only one member of the family works, they can eliminate one or both cars and save a phenomenal amount of money in the process. You must also consider parking fees, gasoline, car payments, depreciation, insurance, repairs, taxes, emergencies, auto repairs, and other car-related expenses. Don’t overlook the cost of additional clothing to weatherproof your baby, or of extra diapers, powders, and other items required in day care. Generally speaking, medical bills are higher because of the environment in which the baby is kept, the weather conditions under which he or she is transported from home to day care, the changes in temperature, and so on.

To these figures you must add a considerable amount of money for the clothes the mother has to buy and keep clean and repaired. Now, throw in the contributions for office parties, for birthday, wedding, retirement, Christmas, and shower gifts, along with the boss’s pet community project, and you’re talking about some real dollars. When you consider the fact that a second income puts your family in a higher income tax bracket and possibly necessitates another car, you need a pretty healthy income to reach the break-even point. So, is it worth it?

You need to evaluate the fact that the energy level of the working mother has its limits. She can’t be a super-mother, a super-employee, and a super-wife. Somewhere along the line compromises will be made that will affect her relationship with the baby and with her spouse. Consequently, the lifestyle of the baby will be affected.

There will be far more occasions when you’ll end up stopping at a fast-food place on the way home because it’s convenient not to have to cook after a hard day at work. The cost of that extra meal must be figured in your overall budget, and, remember, there will be a difference in the nutritional value of the meal prepared at home compared to that of the fast-food meal.

CAREER MOTHERS

HAVE SOME EXCITING ADVANTAGES

The financial advantages the family gains when the mother goes to work at anything less than an executive position are questionable at best, but in the vast majority of cases, the advantages of Mom’s staying at home with the baby are beyond question.

The mother’s impact is evidenced from the very beginning. For example, Marshall Klaus and John Kennell of Case Western Reserve School of Medicine in Cleveland have demonstrated that mothers who are allowed an hour with their infants immediately following birth, in addition to five hours in each of the next three days, behave differently from other mothers denied the same amount of time with their newborns. Intrigued with Klaus’ and Kennell’s findings, other researchers extended their studies and found that increased contact between a mother and her healthy, full-term infant in the first few days and weeks after birth is associated with fewer instances of later child abuse. Increased contact also correlates with less infant crying, more rapid infant growth, and increased affection and more self-confidence on the part of the mother.

THE SADDEST WORDS IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE ARE IF ONLY.

By the same token, the mother who immediately goes back to work after the birth of her child experiences a considerable amount of separation and does not establish the same degree of bonding with her child.

SOME OTHER CONSIDERATIONS

Author Marion Taylor approaches the issue by asking some probing questions:

1. Can the mother be certain the person (or persons) caring for her child is emotionally stable? In day-care centers the emphasis must of necessity be custodial and disciplined. Will the discipline coincide with yours? If you must work, leaving a child with one person is less harmful. Or, a part-time job for the mother would be preferable, of course.

2. What about the much-talked-about quality versus quantity time a mother gives her child? Does a child decide to need the mother only during that “quality” time on Saturdays and Sundays or in the evening hours (when multitudinous chores scream to be done and you’re tired)? Will this be the time a first step will be taken, words and concepts learned, or can a child choose this time to be ill?

3. Can a mother decide what time of day “teachable situations” will occur? (“Mommy, who made me?” “Why does it get dark?” “Why did Grandmother die? Where did she go?”) Would these questions be answered the way you would? Will your child learn positive qualities from others, too; but how will you know? And, I don’t mean to imply that stay-at-home mothers are never irritable or unfair to their children. I do believe a godly mother’s responses will be far more beneficial as input to a child’s spongelike mind. (Emphasis mine)

This is especially true in the teaching of moral values, which you can’t transfer to a child in the same way you pass a glass of milk to him. You must teach them from birth, or the child will not have them. And they can’t be taught in a few easy lessons. It takes time—lots of time—and no teacher in any school, no matter how talented, can fully compensate or make up for the several years of time neglect by the mother.

AFTER-SCHOOL TIME

As the children get older and begin school, they have a real need to relax in the protection of a grown-up who has always been their refuge, when they come home in the afternoon after six or seven hours of social combat. Conversation somehow flows more freely; both joys and disappointments are nearer to the surface. “You can’t expect a child to go home by himself for several hours every day and not feel abandoned and frightened,” says John Yunker, director of guidance services in a suburban school district outside St. Louis. “They suffer from a lack of adult contact and a lack of security.”[1]

The hazards are not only internal—loneliness, boredom, and fear—but also practical. One out of six calls to the New York Fire Department involves children alone at home. As the kids reach adolescence, surveys show that the backseat of a car is no longer the prime site for teen intimacy. It’s the girl’s home when parents are away. The dramatic increase in abortions, teenage pregnancies, illegitimate births, and venereal disease provides irrefutable proof that “opportunity creates the activity.” The physical presence of Mom at home could well prevent the incalculable tragedies that occur when teenagers and preteenagers become sexually active.

For the mother who can and does stay home, one advantage is that she has a chance to keep the home in a neat, orderly way. An orderly house clearly establishes, in the child’s mind, that he lives in an orderly world. A sloppy house leads to sloppy thinking on the child’s part. At the same time, with Mom at home, when Dad needs to take care of household chores such as simple repairs or heavy yard work, he can handle those without any unreasonable demands on his time and still be able to spend time with the child. Children feel secure knowing the home is kept neat and in repair.

Despite the many problems associated with working mothers, they are still joining the workforce. One reason is that there are more divorces that result in more households led by single parents. Second, the need for two incomes in some homes has risen in recent years as inflation has sucked up more family dollars and government has handed out less. Fifteen percent of all Americans are now officially classified as “poor.” Third is desire. Many of these mothers work outside the home not because they must, but because they wish to.

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, maternal employment rates for all mothers with children under age 18 increased steadily from 53 percent to 63 percent between 1980 and 1990, and from 1990 to 1995, rates increased at a slower pace from 63 percent to 66 percent. This pattern of increasing maternal employment was evident for all mothers, regardless of the age of their children.

Catalyst, a nonprofit research and business advisory organization that can be located at www.wwork.com, compared figures on working mothers from the years 1976 and 1996. A quick overview shows that:

40% of working women are mothers of children under age eighteen.

83% of new mothers returned to the labor force within 6 months after childbirth.

55% of working women provide half or more of their household income; among married women, 48% provide half or more of the household income.

71% of all single mothers are employed.

7% of all families conform to the tradition of a wage-earning dad, a stay-at-home mom, and one or more children.

Another study done by Catalyst in 1998, “Two Careers, One Marriage,” found that of approximately eight hundred dual-income couples, 84 percent of the women cited increased income as a primary benefit of a two-career marriage. Only 29 percent of women surveyed said that psychological benefits were part of their perceived benefit.

NOW FOR SOME GOOD NEWS

Though the trend is hardly noticed, the back-to-home movement among working mothers is definitely on the increase. Flextime and job sharing are becoming more and more popular. There are many possible reasons for this, but evidence is increasing that the ideal of the superwoman is seen strictly on television and nowhere else. The woman who has the energy to arise early in the morning to care for her family’s needs, rush madly to the business community and work for her employer for a full eight-hour day, dash home and prepare dinner, get the children ready for bed, and then entertain her husband is purely a figment of some press agent’s overactive imagination. No human being can be all things to all people.

A second possible reason is the realization on everyone’s part that the job of mother and housewife is an extremely important one and that the very future of our country depends on how well that job is done. Statistical data is overwhelmingly convincing as to the advantages of the mother being at home. Alan Ginsberg, director of planning and analysis for the Department of Education, discovered in a study that children whose mothers work outside the home tend to do worse in school than do kids of stay-at-home mothers. He cited a study showing that a working mother spends only about eleven minutes on a weekday in educational pursuits with her child and only twenty-three minutes per day over the weekend on such activities. Tragically, according to the study, the fathers in these dual-income families do nothing to take up the slack.

Yet another study involving 2,400 fifth graders revealed that the one thing that upset the children the most was spending too little time with their parents.

Dr. Armand Nicholi, psychiatrist at Harvard Medical School and Massachusetts General Hospital, says that even when parent-child separation occurs for valid reasons in a loving home, the child frequently interprets parental departure as evidence of rejection. And rejection almost inevitably produces a variety of harmful emotions, from deep-seated anger to feelings of worthlessness.

He says that an overcommitted lifestyle that makes parents inaccessible to their children produces much the same effect as separation itself. Herein lies our most serious failing as mothers and fathers. Cross-cultural studies make it clear that parents in the United States spend less time with their children than in almost any nation of the world.

On May 30, 2001, Sesame Workshop, a not-for-profit educational organization, released findings from a research study on children between the ages of six and eleven. One of the findings is not surprising in the least—children yearn for relationship with engaged adults, especially extended family. I believe this yearning is a result of not getting enough time with and attention from their parents.

NO HUMAN BEING CAN BE ALL THINGS TO ALL PEOPLE.

No wonder our kids are turning to more and more drugs, sex, rebellion, and, tragically, suicide—particularly since spending too little time with their parents is their number one concern.

KIDS WITHOUT TIMELY DIRECTION EQUAL PROBLEMS

The benefit to the child of living in a two-parent family is well documented; but as a reminder, children of divorce are more likely to be depressed, and fail in school. According to Josh McDowell’s personal notes on divorce, children whose parents have divorced are increasingly the victims of abuse and neglect. They exhibit more health problems, as well as behavioral and emotional problems, are involved more frequently in crime and drug abuse, and have higher rates of suicide.

GETTING TO KNOW YOUR KIDS

One of the real joys of my life has been spending time with my children. Admittedly, I have had more time with my son, since my work schedule was a little less hectic and our family situation a little less involved when he came along. I might explain that he followed our youngest daughter by nearly ten years. Instead of having three relatively young ones in the house, we only had one, so things were not quite as rushed as they had previously been.

Even with our daughters, however, I had the privilege of spending considerable time with them. When they came along, I was in the cookware sales business; and as each daughter got to be about five or six years old, I occasionally took them on trips with me when I was working with some of the managers in my organization.

During those long road trips, we had a chance to do a lot of talking. The purpose of all this was for them to get to know the men and women with whom their daddy was working and to learn exactly what their daddy did to earn a living. They also came to know their father as a person.

Obviously, my wife, “the Redhead,” spent the vast majority of time with them, and I’m grateful that she was able to be there throughout our children’s infancy and adolescence. I believe the close ties she and I established during those formative years with our children are the reason we’re so close as a family today. As a matter of fact, each of our daughters, as well as their husbands, has a key to our home, and they come and go as they wish.

In the case of our son, I did have that additional time. When we first moved to Dallas he was only three and one-half years old, and we had a chance to be together often. There was a wooded area behind our house, and from one to three times each week he and I would go exploring down the creek through those woods. We always went to the same area, always saw virtually the same thing, always ended up under the same old oak tree where we would sit and talk, sometimes for five minutes and sometimes for as much as an hour. He still fondly remembers the day we were walking along the creek bed and saw a mother raccoon and three baby raccoons. The prime message in much of this is to communicate the importance of placing the family at the top of the priority list instead of mixing them in with a thousand and one other things it would be nice to do.

WHAT ARE YOUR PRIORITIES?

Larry and Donna Lynn Poland, in an article in Worldwide Challenge, pointed out an important fundamental for a successful family: Make your family a priority. Unfortunately, too many parents seem to communicate the idea that they can build a family on a catch-as-catch-can basis in their spare time.

Priorities are extremely important. When you look at what your priorities are, it will be relatively easy to see what’s important in your life by simply checking the amount of time you spend doing each thing. The parent who watches several hours of television a day but doesn’t have time to take the child to the soccer match clearly communicates to the child that watching television is a much higher priority than spending time with him, watching him grow and develop.

The father who spends ten hours a week on the golf course but doesn’t have time to take his family to dinner is clearly communicating his priorities and where his family ranks on the totem pole of importance. The father who buys expensive sports equipment and has time to go hunting and fishing but does not have time to take his children to Sunday school and church, because it’s the “only day I have for myself,” is clearly saying that the importance of teaching spiritual values and honoring God is a distant second to his own personal indulgences.

On the investment of our time in our children, Donna Lynn Poland observed that one week she counted thirty hours she spent helping with school projects. Would television have been a better use of time? Garden club? Volunteer work? Part-time employment? No. Her children were higher priorities. Making the family a top priority will invariably bring success. Making it a medium priority will bring a mixture of success and failure. Making it no priority will bring failure, disgrace, and God’s judgment. The choice is ours.

The Polands identified another fundamental: “Plan your character-building and stick to the plan.” Aiming at nothing will guarantee the direct hit. Take aim at the character weaknesses of your children. Drafting a plan to deal with them constructively, and sticking to the plan, is the only way to see success.

For those mothers who are sometimes looked down upon by an ignorant or insensitive person because they have chosen to stay home and raise their babies, I love what Linda Burton, a mother of two, said when her working friends told her that “her mind is too good to stay at home”: “I decided my mind was too good not to stay home with my children. The best minds are required there.” I’ll second that and add that the most important, demanding, and rewarding career a mother can have is to raise her kids positively in a negative world.

Realistically, while Mom is raising those positive kids, she also needs to prepare for the day when the kids are grown or for the day when the family may be dissolved through death or divorce. As an insurance policy for your own future, you can take correspondence courses or enroll in one of the community colleges or universities for one or two evenings each week.

Spending your evenings in a stimulating environment keeps your own mind and personality tuned in to an adult world. This makes you a far more attractive conversationalist and companion for your husband and helps you maintain your excitement as a mother. (A significant fringe benefit is the fact that your husband will have an opportunity to get better acquainted with his children as he meets their needs and demands. Chances are also excellent that he will stop asking what you’ve been doing all day after he looks after the kids on a steady basis.)

To accomplish this objective, you need to establish a disciplined course of study that requires some concentrated effort on a daily basis—but always with the knowledge that in the event of a family emergency you’re not fighting a life-or-death time schedule to complete the course or courses. You understand that if it takes you four years to finish a three-year program, your number one priority still is to be the best mother and wife possible. (But don’t use this as an excuse to wait until “tomorrow” to get started!)

AN EXCITING COMPROMISE

Incidentally, for those mothers who must work because you are single or because your husband’s income simply will not adequately provide for the family, I have the greatest respect and admiration for the effective way the vast majority of you are handling your responsibilities. It is far better, in most cases, to work and teach your kids from the beginning that “there ain’t no free lunch” than it is to go on welfare and let your kids be taught that the world will provide them a living.

For those mothers who need a small income but who do not have to work every day, a job-sharing approach might be the ideal solution. At our company, Ziglar Training Systems, we’ve implemented job sharing as a way to meet the needs of some of our employees, as well as the corporation. I must say it has worked extremely well for everyone involved. While all jobs are not suitable for job sharing, those that are open the door of flexibility.

Over time human resource managers have noted that there is less absenteeism and fewer sick days logged by individuals in their job-share programs. It has even been noted that two people in one job seem to do the workload of three. The parties involved want to keep their special arrangement and go above and beyond to be sure their tasks are done and their responsibilities are met.

With flexible work arrangements moms and dads can attend more of their kids’ special events—soccer and ball games, parents’ day, recitals, and school plays. That’s one reason our company also offers flextime, allowing employees to choose the time they arrive and leave as long as they get in their full workday. Some employees choose to arrive at 7:00 A.M. and leave at 4:00 P.M., thus missing most of the heavy traffic. Others who might need to drop off a child at school don’t arrive until 9:00 A.M. but work until 6 P.M.

I mention these various activities and possibilities because in some areas, especially in smaller communities, jobs might not be readily available. In cases like these, the young mothers can perhaps get together and jointly apply for a job. In a retail store, which generally is open six days, each one could work three days; or because of the difference in the husband’s hours, one might work the morning and the other in the afternoon. If the husband has a job in law enforcement, with the fire department, or as a truck driver, the wife’s schedule of working three consecutive days with the other person working three days would work out well. A little imagination should enable the mother who must have a few extra dollars in income to get a job and still maintain far more hours with her children and husband without becoming physically and emotionally exhausted.

MAKING THE FAMILY A TOP PRIORITY WILL INVARIABLY BRING SUCCESS.

The question comes up for those women who just plain do not want to be “stay-at-home” mothers. There are those individuals who are unhappy outside the job market. Quite frankly, research indicates that if they hate staying at home with their babies, they’re not going to be effective mothers. As a matter of fact, if, after giving it an honest try, they find themselves growing increasingly restless, irritable, and less loving and attentive to their babies, they should probably go back to work. However, chances are excellent that if these mothers tried a part-time working situation, they would discover the benefits of both worlds for mother and child.

Yes, time with our kids is crucial. The following song, “Cat’s in the Cradle” by Harry Chapin says it better than anything I’ve ever seen. I urge you to slow down, read it carefully, and then put this book down and think about the message.

CAT’S IN THE CRADLE

My child arrived just the other day;

he came to the world in the usual way.

But there were planes to catch and bills to pay;

he learned to walk while I was away.

And he was talkin’ ’fore I knew it,

and as he grew he’d say,

I’m gonna be like you, Dad,

you know I’m gonna be like you.

And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon,

little boy blue and the man in the moon.

“When you comin’ home, Dad?”

“I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then;

you know we’ll have a good time then.”

My son turned ten just the other day;

he said, “Thanks for the ball, Dad,

come on let’s play.

Can you teach me to throw?”

I said, “Not today,

I got a lot to do.”

He said, “That’s okay.”

And he walked away,

but his smile never dimmed,

it said, “I’m gonna be like him, yeah,

you know I’m gonna be like him.”

And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon,

little boy blue and the man in the moon.

“When you comin’ home, Dad?”

“I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then;

you know we’ll have a good time then.”

Well, he came from college just the other day;

so much like a man I just had to say,

“Son, I’m proud of you, can you sit for awhile?”

He shook his head and he said with a smile,

“What I’d really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys;

see you later, can I have them please?”

And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon,

little boy blue and the man in the moon.

“When you comin’ home, Son?”

“I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then;

you know we’ll have a good time then.”

I’ve long since retired, my son’s moved away;

I called him up just the other day.

I said, “I’d like to see you if you don’t mind.”

He said, “I’d love to, Dad, if I can find the time.

You see, my new job’s a hassle and the kids have the flu,

but it’s sure nice talkin’ to you, Dad,

it’s been sure nice talkin’ to you.”

And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me,

he’d grown up just like me;

my boy was just like me.

And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon,

little boy blue and the man in the moon.

“When you comin’ home, Son?”

“I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then, Dad,

we’re gonna have a good time then.”[2]

—HARRY CHAPIN

PERSONAL EVALUATION

1. In changing “if only” to “next time,” fill in the blanks with what you will do. If only I hadn’t ____________________. Next time I will ________________________.

2. In your estimation, how important is it for a very young child to have a stay-at-home mother? Summarize what this chapter says.

3. If making your family a priority is what you desire, and if this means that some things have to change, what are they?

4. What advantages do career mothers have? Are there any disadvantages?

5. Do you understand what a job-sharing approach is? Can it help you? How?

6. Dad, Harry Chapin’s 1974 song is potent. What response do you have to it?

EIGHT

Raising Positive Kids Is a Team Effort

PARENTAL AUTHORITY

Much of the music our kids listen to deals with their right “to be free” and “to do their own thing.” Evidence is solid, however, that what the kids really want is security. Clinical psychologist Dr. Martin Cohen says this security is provided by parental authority and that it’s scary for kids when they’re not experiencing that authority from their parents. He says that a kid may press the parents harder and harder until they finally have to stop him.

What he’s really doing is asking his parents to behave as parents. The child is checking to see if that strength he’s always depended on is still there. He’s just taking a peek to be sure he wasn’t mistaken about his source of security. And parents, you can’t disappoint him—you have to remain firm in your place as parents.

Authority, according to the dictionary, is “the power or right to give commands, enforce obedience, take action or make final decisions.” One thing kids need—and even demand—is the right to experience the disciplining pressure of parental authority, which keeps them headed in the right direction.

When we deal with our children, we must remember that they are children. An old African proverb goes like this: Everybody’s been young before, but not everybody has been old before. One of the child’s most critical needs is having parents who understand their authoritative place in the dynamic plan for the family. It is to be an example, to lead, guide, direct, correct, and encourage.

Sometimes when our kids give us trouble and reject our authority, we wonder just what’s going on. Remember that though kids will often try us, deep down they want us to win and maintain our place of authority so their security will be complete.

Kids want to know that someone’s in charge—they want to know who to follow, who’s going to lead, and to whom they must answer. It’s a basic fact of life. It’s something that’s a part of every social unit of society, including the family. And it’s something that parents are going to have to grasp if their parenting is going to be a success and, as a result, their kids successful.

SCOUTING TEACHES KIDS

HOW TO BE LED AND HOW TO LEAD

In this day and age when so many gangs try to become a young person’s “family,” I encourage parents, particularly single parents, to enroll their children in Scouting. One of my honors and privileges is to serve on the National Advisory Board of the Boy Scouts of America. The success rate with kids who spend at least five years in Scouting is dramatically higher than those who are not in Scouting. The Scout Oath is: “On my honor, I will do my best to do my duty to God and my country, and to obey the Scout Law, to help other people at all times, to keep myself physically strong, mentally awake and morally straight.” The Scout Motto is “Be Prepared,” and the Scout Law is “A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent.” The training teaches Scouts to be accountable. It gives them something specific to live up to and helps them focus on others more than themselves by teaching them to do a good deed for someone else every day.

As a child, every Thursday night I went to Scout meetings where the Scout Oath, Law, and Motto were verbalized as we stood and gave our Scout salute. The question is, What impact does it have on a youngster? Judge Elvin J. Brown sat on the bench in Norman, Oklahoma, for more than twenty years and shared with me at a meeting that he had never had come before him a juvenile who had spent at least a year in Scouting. That’s a strong statement, and gives good indication as to the importance of teaching our kids values not only at home but also in groups with other youngsters who are learning the same things. These kids form relationships with one another and, of course, the success ratio of those who really get involved and become Eagle Scouts is incredibly high—far more than those kids who do not have the privilege of having participated in Scouting.

MOTHERS AND DADDIES ARE SPECIAL

Recently, I saw a thought-provoking bumper sticker: “Anybody can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a daddy.” That’s right, and anyone can have a baby, but it takes someone special to be a mother.

When you study some of the great, positive, history-making figures, you will often find they speak of the influence of a parent. Abraham Lincoln is quoted as saying, “All that I am I owe to my angel mother.” General Douglas MacArthur said, “My sainted mother taught me devotion to God and a love of country which have ever sustained me. To her I yield anew a son’s reverent thanks.” The great preacher G. Campbell Morgan had four sons. They all became ministers. At a family reunion a friend asked one of the sons, “Which Morgan is the greatest preacher?” With his eyes beaming with delight, the son looked over to his father and said, “Why, it’s Mother!”

Likewise, there is an old saying that goes like this: One father is worth a hundred schoolmasters. It’s true that in the hands of parents are the destinies of their children. In that sense, being a parent is really a sacred thing. Committed into the hands of parents is the future of entire nations in that our future resides with our kids and the world they will build. The humbling thing is that the model for the world our kids will build, their vision for tomorrow, largely depends on how they see us as parents and how we raise them today. What an awesome responsibility!

The very fact of who parents are in the structure of the family gives them authoritative power. That power can be used in a positive way to convince kids to make the effort, to win, to succeed, to respect their fellowman, and to be people of honesty and integrity. Parents can choose that route, or they can choose to leave their kids to themselves and the influences of a negative world.

IT TAKES TEAMWORK AND TEAM LEADERSHIP

Raising positive kids is best done as a team effort, and since the family is truly a unit, it functions more effectively as a team. Families working together can accomplish more than they can as individuals. When you have a family project and family goals that everyone has chosen (whether it’s scheduling a family vacation, conducting study courses, planning a picnic, or building a swimming pool), the results will be better. And working together on projects brings the family closer together. Fortunately, working together as a family helps the kids develop communication and cooperative skills that can be taken directly into the school and business community.

Most people agree that any team must have a captain, a leader, a commander in chief. A football team without a quarterback would not be a team—it would be a disaster. A business without a board chairman or an army without an officer in charge would be inept and would quickly disintegrate. The same situation exists in the family. The family needs a leader because, while it is far more than a business, it is a business.

With the expected rate of inflation, if husband and wife raise two children and stay together until they’re sixty-five years old, they will have invested well over $1 million in raising the kids and providing for their own needs. That’s pretty big business.

In the regular business community, the corporate structure has, in most cases, a board chairman, president, vice president, treasurer, and secretary; but as President Harry Truman said, “The buck has to stop somewhere.” In the corporate world, that’s easy—it’s the man in charge. In the family, it’s not quite as easy, but it’s just as clear and just as important. I believe the individual who should be the chairman of the board of the family is the man, the husband, the father.

There are several reasons I say this, but one significant reason is that our society is organized that way. That’s not to say that the wife (the corporate vice president) has little to say about decisions affecting the family. She’s the second in command (not second in importance), so to speak, and very important in the effective working of the family as a unit. Any chief executive officer worth his salt is going to hold conferences regularly with the second in command concerning significant decisions. Additionally, it is critically important that the second in command have full authority when the board chairman is gone.

THE GENTLE, LOVING ONE

Even a two-car parade gets fouled up if you don’t decide ahead of time who’s going to lead. With this in mind, you’ll understand what I mean when I say kids need to understand that if they are going to be led, they need to know who will be leading and what it means to follow.

Author Helen Andelin brings another significant factor into focus when she points out that male leadership also conforms to psychological law. The male has within his makeup the necessary qualities to lead, in that he is more aggressive, decisive, and dominating than the normal female. In the normal male the desire to lead is strong—he will cringe when his position is threatened. When robbed of it altogether, he will feel emasculated.

She elaborates by saying that “male leadership does not suggest a dominating, high-handed action, based on selfish motives. To be successful in the family the father must have the welfare of each family member at heart and his decisions and plans must be based upon what is best for them. He carefully considers their viewpoint and feelings, especially those of his wife. They try to work things out together. When there are those unresolved differences and the wife cannot support her husband’s plans, she can at least support his right of leadership.”[1]

CHAIN OF COMMAND CLEARLY DEFINED

Yes, a clearly established chain of command in our homes, as we have in all other successful businesses and institutions, is important. On occasion I’ve had people ask the question: “Suppose the wife is smarter than the husband?” That still doesn’t alter the chain of command. In my own family I’m extremely fortunate in that I have a wife who in many ways has insights and wisdom I do not have. Her IQ is at least as high as mine, and her grades were certainly better in school. However, when important decisions are to be made in our family, and the Redhead and I, after a thorough discussion, disagree (a truly rare event) as to which route to take, she has the complete assurance that she is never going to be burdened with making the decision.

Naturally, I prayerfully ask for guidance before making any decision of any significance.

THAT MAKES SENSE

I remember an occasion in Rochester, New York, when I spoke at a large high school. After addressing the assembly, I was invited to talk with the student leaders. About twenty of the top students were present for the question-and-answer session. It was interesting, lively, and informative.

I’ll never forget one young man who said to me, “You seem to put a lot of reliance on God in your life, in your family, and in your business. I don’t believe in God, and I’m puzzled as to why you put so much emphasis on it.”

I responded that one of the reasons I did was because I wanted my children to be as responsible as possible, and I understood the importance of authority.

He quite naturally asked, “Well, what does God have to do with that?”

I said, “It’s simple. When my children see me bow in obedience to a Higher Authority, they instantly recognize my respect for authority. And that’s not only the authority of God, but the authority of government, law enforcement officials, my employer, judges, the courts. When my children see that I respect authority, they know I am not being hypocritical when I insist that they respect my authority over them. The net result is I have better disciplined, more loving, and obedient children.”

The young man was taken aback for a moment, but then he said, “Well, I still don’t believe in God, but what you’re saying certainly makes sense.”

As a practical matter, from a numerical point of view, the family is a small unit, so it’s vital that every member of the team—including the chief executive officer—forget about his “title” when work needs to be done. In a family unit made up of a husband, a wife, and two small children, if the husband acts only in the capacity of major decision maker, he will soon lose the love and respect of his wife and his children. Realistically, if four people create work in the home and only a part-time mom does the work, an impossible situation exists that is headed for trouble.

WHEN WE DEAL WITH OUR CHILDREN, WE MUST REMEMBER THAT THEY ARE CHILDREN.

THE WINNING TEAM—MOM AND DAD

The solution to the problem is simple, but far from easy. If the family is going to function as a unit, both Dad and Mom must make contributions that go far beyond bringing in a paycheck. For example, Dad can look after the children if Mom’s skills are greater in the kitchen. He can help them with their homework and talk with them, instead of reading the paper and “relaxing” while an already tired Mom prepares dinner. After dinner, Mom and Dad can work together to clean the kitchen. If the kids go to bed immediately after dinner, then Mom and Dad can alternate between cleaning the kitchen and getting the kids tucked into bed. When bedtime comes, if the kids are still up, Dad can participate in the ritual of getting them ready for bed and tucking them in.

The main point I’m making is that to raise positive kids, if both a dad and a mom are in the home, they should both be involved in all aspects of raising the children. That’s the only way Mom, Dad, and the kids are all going to win.

THE ONE-PARENT FAMILY

In a one-parent family, the need for discipline and routine is even more important. The mother (or father) who has to get up early, prepare her children’s breakfast, get ready for work, get the children ready to take by the nursery, baby-sitter, or school, then put in a demanding workday has already had a hectic, ten-hour day. At that point she has to shift gears and pick up the kids on the way home. Then she has to prepare dinner and look after the children, including helping with homework, preparing them for bed, reading bedtime stories, and entertaining them while maintaining a positive mental attitude. The demands are enormous on her physical and emotional resources. It seems to me that the only way for such a parent to survive on a long-term basis is to adopt a rigorous, organized family lifestyle where discipline and routine are emphasized.

WHEN THE TEAM DOESN’T FUNCTION

In families where Mom and Dad don’t function as a team, it’s easy to understand why there is so much difficulty. It’s also easier to understand why we see ever-increasing evidences of child neglect and abuse. Further, when Dad often takes a spectator’s seat in the home, it’s also evident why we have more mothers than fathers abandoning their families. They are simply throwing in the towel and walking out on their husbands, their children, and their responsibilities. How tragic and how unfair! How those parents will regret those actions for the rest of their lives. Many a broken family relationship begins with a lack of team effort. I believe thousands of women have left their family responsibilities out of a growing sense of despair at their inability to cope in a situation in which the husband is not pulling his weight at home. Some parents will try to bury the memories of an abandoned family in a passionate romance and a temporarily carefree lifestyle, but they never quite succeed in doing so. The missing of those little hands and arms around their necks, those calls of “Mommy” or “Daddy,” those expressions of infant, toddler, and childhood delights will have been burned indelibly into their minds and will be part of them forever.

At this point I’d like to interject that as a result of the feminist movement, more and more women, in their demand for their rights, are losing a degree of perspective and balance. In some tragic instances reason, judgment, and love drop out of the picture.

To avoid the temptation of even thinking about dissolving the family through divorce or desertion, Dad needs to climb down out of his ivory tower, roll up his sleeves, and do his part. Mom and Dad, as a team, need to instruct and encourage the children to pitch in and make their contributions for their own good (preparing them for their own possible future roles as husbands and wives) and for the good of the family.

Every member of the family can and must be taught and required to do a part. Even a four-year-old can pick up toys, clothes, or papers that are lying around on the floor so that Mom is relieved of these responsibilities and saved an incredible drain on her energy. The beautiful thing is that the parent is giving excellent instructions in discipline and obedience. These are two superb characteristics that can help children build winning lives in their own futures. This approach will help the child who needs to grow rich in every aspect of life learn that before he can “cash in” on life, he has to “chip in” a little, too. As he chips in as a family member and sees positive results, he’ll understand why he has to chip in at school and then chip in in the business world. This approach greatly reduces the possibility of raising negative, overindulged, spoiled kids who have only a cash-in mentality and basically believe they should get all they can, while they can, regardless of what it may do to other people.

Another beautiful thing about having family projects and responsibilities with every member of the family involved is that most of us want—and even need—to belong to some type of unit. It’s natural that kids want to belong—and know they belong.

The wonderful thing about a solid family unit is that it teaches cooperation, mutual respect, and love. The acceptance of your child in your family unit with definite responsibilities makes him feel like an important member of the team. This will substantially reduce his likelihood of joining some other close-knit group, perhaps a neighborhood gang, just so he can “be accepted” and “belong.” He doesn’t “need” that, since his needs are being met at home.

BUILD RESPECT—IT’S A MUST

To build a relationship of love and respect, you must remember that your children respond to you according to the way they feel about you. If those feelings are ones of love and respect, you will receive obedient, loving responses from the children because that is what they want to do. However, if there is no respect, you can rest assured the responses will be rebellious and disrespectful. That’s why parents should conduct themselves in a manner that creates respect and builds love. There’s no real unity without respect.

The parents who break promises to their kids, scream and shout at each other in private or in public, come home stumbling drunk, and treat each other with contempt and disrespect will destroy any sense of honor and respect the child might have for them. When that happens, obedience and discipline go out the door. In addition, there will be considerable confusion in the child’s mind. He undoubtedly loves you as his parents; but without respect, he can’t really like you, so he truly is in an emotional dilemma.

What’s the solution? Answer: If the preceding paragraph describes you in a reasonably accurate manner, the chances are pretty good you need help. Get it. If your emotions are shot, you can often get help through a local mental health association, or in many cities the pastors and ministers in the churches are excellent sources of help. If you have a drinking or drug problem, you need to demonstrate your maturity and your love for your kids by getting help before your behavior moves into serious addiction, alcoholism, or child abuse that ultimately will destroy both you and the kids.

Actually, one of the best sources of help, especially if your problem is not too severe, is in your hands. I encourage you to read, reread, and apply the principles emphasized in this book. I’ve shared them with thousands of people in seminars and recordings, and I can tell you that in hundreds and hundreds of cases they are working. You’ve got nothing to lose by giving them an honest shot, and to paraphrase an old commercial, “The family you save will be your own.”

FATHER’S AND MOTHER’S WORK

Raising positive kids is definitely a team effort. It’s neither “woman’s work” nor “man’s work.” It’s father’s and mother’s work combined. Many times, however, when husbands and wives both work, far too many men have been conditioned to believe that preparing dinner, cleaning the kitchen, helping the kids with homework, and tucking them into bed are things the wife and mother is supposed to do.

The real problem is brought clearly into focus by Sey Chassler in a January 13, 1985, Parade magazine article from which I quote, with permission:

About 20 years ago, my wife and I were having one of those arguments that grows into fury—the kind that leaves a dreadful pain that lasts for years. Suddenly, unable to stand my complaints any longer, my wife threw something at me and said: “From now on, you do the shopping, plan the meals, take care of the house, everything. I’m through!”

I was standing in the kitchen looking at the shelves, the sink, the refrigerator, the cleaning utensils. At my wife.

I was terrified. Tears trickled down my face. No matter what, I knew I could not handle the burden she had flung at me. I could not do my job and be responsible for the entire household as well. I had important things to do. Besides, how could I get through a day dealing with personnel, budgets, manuscripts, management, profit-and-loss figures, and, at the same time, plan dinner for that night and the next night and breakfasts and lunches and a dinner party on the weekend and shop for it all and make sure the house was in good shape and that the woman who cleaned for us was there and on time and the laundry done and the children taken care of?

How could anyone do all that and stay sane? Natalie watched me for a while. Finally she said, “Okay. Don’t worry. I’ll keep on doing it.” She put on her coat and went to her hospital office—to manage dozens of people and more than 100 patients.

Despite her simple statement that she would go on taking care of our home and family, I stood a while telling myself that no one could do all of that. Slowly I saw that she was doing it.

In the days and weeks that followed, I began to realize that most women carry a double burden: an inside job taking care of their homes and families, and an outside job, working for wages. Most men, on the other hand, can come home and do little more about their families than help with household chores and with the children. Helping is useful, but it is not the same as doing; it leaves the basic responsibility to someone else. In most homes, it leaves the basic responsibility to women: All the worries, all the headaches, all the planning, all the management, all the DOING is theirs. How many men understand this without being shocked into it as I was—or by the loss of a wife? How many of us really see women or hear them? How often do we go to bed at night feeling the comfort and love of our wives but knowing them so little that we do not recognize the burden they bear?

MOM AND DAD IN AGREEMENT

If you remember, I warned you earlier that there were no really easy steps or methods of raising positive kids, but there are many essential ones. And the most critical of all has to be the relationship between Mom and Dad. If the child grows up seeing Mom and Dad showing little respect and kindness toward each other and often engaging in verbal—if not physical—conflict, the child slowly but surely sees that marriage is a battleground and that the family is not something to enjoy but something to tolerate—and leave as soon as possible.

This can be compounded, of course, when one of the parents sides with the child against the other parent. As the child grows older, he becomes an expert at manipulating the parents. Each parent then has a tendency to want to win the child’s approval; it will be two against one, with both parents making unwise concessions and overtures to the child; and the stage is set for conflict and disaster.

BLUEPRINT FOR DISASTER

When a child goes to one parent with a request that is denied, only to have the other parent grant the request, the results are disastrous. Whether the second parent knew or did not know that parent number one had turned down the request, the results are still bad. When a child approaches one parent and asks for permission to do something, the first question should be, “Have you asked your mom (or dad) about it?” If the answer is no and there’s a question or doubt in your mind about the advisability of it, you can say, “We’ll talk about it and let you know!” If the child has talked to the other parent and the personal safety or the reputation of the child is at stake, both parents should definitely be involved in the decision.

I remember one occasion when our son was a junior in high school. He had asked his mom about going with one of his class mates to a Friday night basketball game in a town roughly a hundred miles from Dallas. She told him, “I don’t think so, but ask your dad.” When he came to me for permission, I said no, and he naturally wanted to know why. I explained that on Friday and Saturday nights one driver out of ten on the road is legally drunk, that the hour at which he would return would be very late, and that I feared they might go to sleep while driving. I further explained that neither he nor his friend had been driving very long and that all of these factors combined indicated to me that the dangers were simply too great. My son accepted without argument my explanation of why I did not want him to go.

To this day I believe I saw a half-smile on his face as we terminated the conversation and he gave it that last try, which really wasn’t a try, as he said, “So you won’t let me go, huh?” And I said, “No, not this time, son. Your day is coming, but not now.”

Had circumstances been different, the answer could well have been yes. For example, had his friend’s dad been going along to drive, that would have presented an entirely different picture. Had it been a shorter distance and on a night other than Friday, that too would have made a difference. On that occasion in the Ziglar household, the team concept functioned well.

What can ordinary parents do to give their kids a better chance in life? There is one sure thing that you can go to the bank on—a strong, unified parental team, which practices loving, mutual respect, has the best shot at positively influencing children for good.

PERSONAL EVALUATION

1. Reflect a moment on at least one time when you, as a child, appreciated your parents. What did they do that was so significant?

2. What are some ways you’ve earned respect from your children?

3. If you agree that a unified parental team is the best approach to the successful running of a family, how do you rate yourself and your spouse in that area? What could you do better?

4. As mentioned earlier in this chapter, what is a “blueprint for disaster”? Does this happen in your home?

5. When was the last time your family did something as a team? How did it go?

NINE

Communicating with Family Members

LET’S TALK ABOUT IT

In many, many cases marital problems can be solved and serious family breakups averted with kindness and conversation. One member of the family, whether intentionally or not, closes out the other member by not engaging in simple conversation or, probably more often, not listening to what the other person has to say. To raise positive kids, parents must learn to communicate with their children and with each other.

On the surface, this appears to be reasonably simple, but in the rush of things we seem to have time for just about everything except good old-fashioned conversation. I became aware of this problem early in my career because for sixteen years I was in direct sales, which meant that I sold products directly to people in their homes. I have been in thousands of homes, and I have seen children treated in every imaginable way. I’ve seen families where five-year-olds were in complete control, and I have been in homes where teenagers were so browbeaten and dominated that they would not even speak or, when addressed, could not or would not even look at you.

Surely one of the saddest sights I frequently saw was the desperate effort many children made to get attention, only to be completely ignored. I’ve seen children literally hang on to their mom’s or dad’s arms two, three, and four minutes at a time, saying, “Mommy, Mommy!” or “Daddy, Daddy!” desperately trying to get just a hint of recognition for a simple need or request.

I’ve often wondered what happened to those children later in life. I wonder, now that they’re grown and possibly have families of their own, if they are now ignoring their own children.

TALKING TAKES TIME

One thing that has become obvious over the years is that the input into a baby’s mind, even before birth, is the greatest single influence in the baby’s behavior. Tied to this is the knowledge that conversation can have a dramatic impact on the success rate of raising happy, well-adjusted children.

In our society today we are in an ever-diminishing conversational environment. Because of the involvement with our own active pursuits, because of radio, stereo, TV, video and role-playing games, and portable CD players, we find too many people spending too much time inputting mechanical messages into their minds and not nearly enough time exchanging messages with living, loving, caring human beings, notably other family members. When Mom and Dad are addicted to the television set with an average tuned-in time of more than seven hours per day for the average home and to that are added hours for sleeping, working, and eating, almost no time is left for talking.

There is no way I can oversell the importance of husbands and wives talking to each other. The number one complaint the average housewife has is that her husband deals only in facts and figures and communicates only the barest amount of information. There are many opportunities, even when both husbands and wives work, for them to engage in small talk, which is so important to the health of the relationship and extremely important to the growth and stability of the child.

The evening paper, the nightly news, the daily or nightly soap opera—you name it. None of them holds a candle to the importance of the husband and wife communicating with each other, especially in the presence of the child. When that child hears the happy, informed, loving chatter of husband and wife, he has a sense of security. He feels he is part of a caring family.

From the moment of birth, the baby needs to be talked to. As a matter of fact, evidence is overwhelming that the more the newborn baby is held, sung to, talked to, hummed to, the more emotionally stable and intelligent the baby is going to be.

If you have babies in your home, remember to avoid the major problem many parents fall into—continuing the baby talk too long. Actually, the most appropriate time for baby talk is when you are holding, hugging, or kissing the baby or toddler. When the child is at arm’s length or across the room and you are chatting with him, you need to chat with him in pretty much the same way you visit with older children. Talk a little more slowly, distinctly, and lovingly, but use more than just one-syllable words. The baby and/or toddler can understand infinitely more than he can communicate to you.

In my own family, we are fascinated by our grandchildren’s growth. One of the reasons for their vocabulary development is that their parents and grandparents talked to the kids in an adult manner. The children’s vocabularies, even at ages six and nine, are amazing.

HANDLING PERSISTENT FOUR-YEAR-OLDS

Another problem in the “talking arena” is what to do when a persistent four-year-old keeps pulling on your arms and saying, “Mommy, Mommy!” James Dobson says you permit your child to interrupt you for brief, thirty-second episodes, during which personal consultation, comfort, information, and enthusiasm are exchanged. In most cases, the child is happy, at least for a few minutes.

You must remember that a child is not a miniature adult. A child has childish interests and a very short attention span. What is a very short time for an adult seems like an eternity for the child. I am not talking about inviting the child to join the conversation. I am suggesting that when the child comes in to interrupt the conversation, you will do yourself and your guest a favor, and will raise a better balanced child, if you respond quickly to your child and then move back to your adult conversation.

If the interruptions come thick and fast, you need to use a little more creative imagination and give the child an assigned task or some activity. His attention will be diverted, and you can return to your conversation.

Children should certainly be included in the family conversations; and if it’s only the family, they should frequently be included from the very beginning. That’s the way they learn to deal with the adult world, improve their alertness, and build their vocabulary, which develop their social and conversational skills. This also makes them feel like part of the team.

In a social situation, it is relatively easy to determine how parents really feel about their children, particularly as they get a little older and enter the teenage years. Many times a ten-, twelve,or fourteen-year-old will enter a conversation, and the parents will simply say yes or no but will make no effort to pick up on the conversation and expand any area of interest. I believe this is one of the surest ways to drive a child into a neighbor’s home or into an unhealthy gang or peer-group situation.

GET THE KIDS INVOLVED

One common denominator we all have is the need to be loved and to be understood. In our family discussions when our children are made to feel like important members of the family from a communications point of view, we are building and establishing ties we can enjoy for a lifetime.

This doesn’t mean that you call family conferences to decide every family matter, and certainly not the business matters. However, if you are discussing a critical issue, for example, a move to another city (especially if teenagers are involved), they should be—even must be—brought into the discussion. This way you can understand their feelings, and they will know from the beginning the reasons for the move. This procedure makes it a great deal easier on everyone, and the kids become part of the planning process. Anytime people, regardless of age, feel a project or idea is at least partially theirs, they are far more likely to be enthusiastic about it and support it. That’s one way to communicate your love, concern, and respect for your child.

Another must for effective family communications is to let the kids participate in planning family activities, such as a picnic or a vacation. For example, if you plan a two-week vacation trip, what better way to begin than to get a large atlas from the library and start looking at maps to figure out where you want to go? If time and money are limited, you take the map and say, “We can go anywhere within a certain radius.” Together you list the places that sound interesting and write the chambers of commerce in those towns. They’ll be delighted to send you information.

At that point you go through the information, noting points of interest and things to do. This procedure gives the family a solid basis for making the decision about where they want to go and what they want to do. With everybody participating in the planning, excitement about the trip will grow because people, even our children, invariably support things they help create.

A tremendous fringe benefit is the fact that you can literally invest hours in this planning. What better way to really keep those lines of communication open between you and the kids than with solid activity planning, which is far more beneficial for them than watching TV or roaming the streets? Of equal importance, they learn much about the geography of the country, as well as the history of many of the areas you consider. This contributes significantly to the overall education of your children and builds close relationships.

SAYING NO EFFECTIVELY

Dr. Charles Swindoll believes that parents, if at all possible, should give the kids a yes, and say no only when it’s absolutely necessary. He believes yes answers build confidence and communicate to the children that they are trusted. “When I say ‘no,’” he says, “I’m communicating the idea that I’m not sure I can trust the child involved or that this thing is really good for that child.” Dr. Swindoll does say no in his family, “But we talk more about our nos because our kids have an opportunity to grow and understand when they have an explanation.” (That makes the “no” a growth experience, doesn’t it?)

There are many times when the need to say no is obvious. It’s necessary, but sometimes difficult. There are many instances when kids, lacking maturity and insight, fail to see the dangers of a particular step, and their judgment permits no concern for their safety and health and, for that matter, the safety of the rest of the family.

Young children—the little guys and gals three, four, and five and, for that matter, the toddlers as they begin walking and exploring—will often do something or start to do something when a firm no is very much in order. With the toddler, as he reaches for something that is either dangerous for him or fragile and hence in danger of being broken, the proper step is to take his hands, pull him away, and say, “No. No. No.” If the child persists, then a firmer no is in order. If he continues to persist, a slight slapping of the hands is appropriate.

For the young ones, all that is necessary is the word no, but as they get on up to four or five, you should add things like, “This is something that Mommy doesn’t want anything to happen to,” or “It is not safe for you to play with this,” or “When you are seven, you can play with this.”

WATCH THAT TONE OF VOICE

Many times our children test us. They’re checking our authority and attempting to see if we will give in or let them get by with something. However, once the rules and limits have been firmly established, the children are comfortable with them and grateful for those limits.

The tone of voice you use in giving instructions and issuing denials is extremely important. The primary thing is that your voice, which is your most effective communication tool, should by its tone and inflection communicate authority but also, at the same time, love and concern for the child. It will require work, sensitivity, and discipline on your part, but that’s one more reason why we need our best minds and most loving people at home.

When you have to say no, you should say it in most cases after some reflection. The more often you change from a no to a yes, the more likely your child is going to test you on all your no’s. This leads to an ongoing conflict and battle of wits, which is time-consuming, energy-destructive, and confidence-destroying as far as the child’s ability and willingness to accept the fact that the parent really is an authority figure who is in control.

In most cases when you say no, it should be a firm no and you should stick with it. Obviously there are exceptions. When circumstances change or you get additional information that indicates that the no should probably be changed to a yes, then you should make the change. When you change, be certain you carefully explain why you made the change. Most often it will not be because you changed your mind, but because you made a new decision based on new information.

SAY NO CAREFULLY—BUT FIRMLY

Here are some general guidelines for times when you say no. First of all, a snap no will too often bring a protest. The exception to that is when an older child wants to do something that is dangerous, illegal, immoral, or definitely not in his or her best interest. Incidentally, at those times, husband-wife team unity will often make the difference in the route your child will go. (Get it together on this one.)

A swift rejection of a request to go to a beer party, for example, simply reaffirms your position and makes it clear that is not within the limits of what your child can do. Obviously, this brings on difficulty if you, the parent, drink beer and go to cocktail parties. A double standard is set up—one for parents and one for children. Even under those circumstances, however, you’ve got the laws of the nation to abide by, and the legal drinking age is twenty-one. Remember, a person can get just as drunk and be killed just as dead from drinking beer and wine as he can from drinking 90-proof alcohol.

Sometimes when you say no but are willing to discuss it later, you can say, “Well, son, at the moment the answer is no because I haven’t had time to think about it. Why don’t we talk about it after dinner or when I come home from work this evening? This is not a promise to say yes, but since I don’t know all the facts, we need to talk about it more thoroughly.” It’s an absolute must that you keep this promise, because your credibility and your child’s trust in you are at stake.

When your child understands that you really do want to say yes when possible and if it is in his best interests, he will be far more understanding and more likely to accept the decision without rebelling when the answer has to be no.

HAVE A PURPOSE FOR YOUR NO’S

When you say no, you should not direct the denial at your child’s lack of judgment and maturity. That would be destructive to his self image. Base the reason for saying no clearly on your own judgment and authority, giving good reasons when you do.

FIRM DIRECTION WITH THE PROPER VOICE CONTROL IS POWERFUL, CONVINCING, AND ENCOURAGING.

Sometimes when you say no and your child asks the inevitable why, you might softly ask, “What do you think the reasons are? Can you think of any reason why we would not want you to do this or go to this particular place?” Chances are, he’s going to be able to support you with some pretty good reasons; maybe some you haven’t even thought about. (This is true if you’ve been fair and have kept those communication lines open.)

By all means, when you do have to say no, you don’t want to give the impression that you took delight in saying it. That way you come across as a killjoy and as someone who is on the “other” side. You are, or should be, on your child’s side. There should be some reason for having to say no, but don’t make it look like an earth-shattering problem.

Incidentally, I’m convinced that too much has been made of the fact that we owe our children—especially the small ones—an explanation for everything. If time permits and the explanation is reasonably simple so the child can understand it, I believe you are wise to carefully explain your reasoning. However, there are some occasions when you do not have a logical explanation, but as a parent you have a strong feeling, based on experience, about why you should say no. In those cases you can say, “Son, I just feel that no is the best answer for you. I don’t really have a good explanation, but someday you’ll understand why it’s this way.” The words need to be gentle, but they also need to be firm; and there should certainly be no guilty feelings on your part. I need to point out, however, that most children, including all four of our own, feel a sense of frustration if you consistently fall back on the “just because” answer. Children view the indiscriminate use of “because I said so” as a copout, and parental credibility is damaged.

A LOUD VOICE CAN CAUSE PROBLEMS

In communicating with children, perhaps the most serious mistake parents make is the volume they use. Some research done at Wayne State University involving a group of young children three and four years of age and another group five and six years of age revealed some interesting facts.

The children were given a number of commands. Some were positive, such as, “Clap your hands”; others were negative, such as, “Don’t touch your toes.” When the researchers spoke softly, both groups of kids did what they were told, but when they raised their voices, the three- and four-year-old group especially did exactly what they were told not to do. In a nutshell, kids, especially the young ones, are more likely to do things that might harm themselves because the intensity of their parent’s voice calls their attention to the subject at hand. For instance, a parent’s screaming, “Stay out of the street!” can startle a little one, causing him to step off the curb.

Mamie McCullough, of “I Can” fame, told me a story that supports this. Ten-year-old Brian McCullough lost his patience with Jennifer, his eight-year-old sister, and shouted, “I’m telling you—” And that’s as far as he got before Jennifer cut in and said, “You’re not telling me, you’re yelling me!” (Out of the mouths of babes.)

Calm, confident, and firm—that’s what authority is all about; and that’s what kids understand, respect, and respond to. Saint Francis de Sales said, “Nothing is so strong as gentleness; nothing as gentle as real strength.” Real authority is tempered and gentle, but firm. When you’re out of control, you’ve lost your kids and their respect, because they know they’ve gotten to you. Firm direction with the proper voice control is powerful, convincing, and encouraging. When the kids see that you have control of yourself and the situation, they will respond to that soft, authoritative, self-assured voice.

SAY “PLEASE” FOR BEST RESULTS

Courteous communication is infectious in a family setting. When children have requests of you, require them to precede the request with the word please: “Mommy, would you please give me some more milk?” or “Dad, would you please help me take off my boots?” By the same token, you teach by word and deed, so you should follow the same courteous procedure: “Please make up your bed,” or “Please be quiet.” After the child follows through, you should say, “Thank you.” That’s being courteous without compromising your authority, and it teaches your child to say thank you when anyone does something for him.

This effectively teaches obedience as well as courtesy, and as Anne Sullivan said of Helen Keller: “I’ve thought about it a great deal, and the more I think the more certain I am that obedience is the gateway through which knowledge—yes, and love, too—enters the mind of a child.”

GET ’EM DOWN—GET ’EM UP

Sometimes as parents we tend to make an issue out of everything, whether it’s important or not. I believe there are instances when reasonable compromise might be in everyone’s best interest.

In a sense, this might sound like a contradiction to some things I have been saying; but having watched three daughters and a son grow up, and knowing how completely different they are, I’ve come to the conclusion that some children are natural-born procrastinators—or else they acquire that characteristic at an early age.

THE KEY INGREDIENT IN FAMILY COMMUNICATION IS LISTENING, REALLY LISTENING.

Others have a little streak of independence or resistance to authority, which seems to be brought out any time a parent asks them to make the bed, take out the trash, pick up their clothes, or get up in the morning. Still others are night people, and some are day people. The parents and the child, if they don’t understand where they are coming from, can get involved in a never-ending series of conflicts, causing a communications barrier to be raised between them.

Going to bed, for example, is something some youngsters hate to do with an absolute passion. Ironically by the next morning the same ones have become so attached to that bed they don’t want to get out of it! What’s the solution to the problem? In our own case we discovered that when we gave our children advance notice of what was going to take place, it made life more enjoyable and reduced conflict considerably. It eliminated the “Let-me-stay-up-just-fifteen-more-minutes- Dad” or “Can-I-make-one-more-phone-call?” or “Let-me-finish-doing-this” routine.

If bedtime were nine o’clock, we finally learned to say, “Okay, kids, in thirty minutes you’re going to be in bed. If you need to get a drink of water, use the bathroom, or feed the cat, you need to do it now, because in thirty minutes you are going to bed.” For us that was a partial solution to the problem.

Getting them up in the morning, however, involved a little more time, ingenuity, and effort on our part. We found the overall effort was greatly reduced and conflict almost eliminated if we knocked on the door, then opened it, and said, “Okay, ten more minutes. Then you’ve gotta get out of that bed!”

My wife and I have always been very affectionate with our children, and we always woke them up and put them to bed with a little humor and lots of hugs and kisses. We found this to be an effective way of starting and ending each day in a loving, caring way.

For the youngsters in the three- to seven-year-old category, bedtime stories can be very effective. Bible stories are ideal, but in our home we frequently told our own created stories as we tucked them in. As a matter of fact, one of the best time investments and most effective ways of bringing the family close together in an atmosphere of love is the sharing of created stories.

To this day our girls want me to tell their children and everybody else the stories of “Skeeter, Scatter, and Scooter”—the three scared skeeters from Schenectady. When they were small children, we often, in the ritual of going to bed, would bow to their pleas to share a new episode of those three scared skeeters. Their delight never ceased to amaze me.

With a little ingenuity, I believe you as parents can solve most communication problems and eliminate the possibility that the next few paragraphs may apply to you.

EVERYTHING IS COMMUNICATION

We communicate with our kids in many different ways. Our body language indirectly says a lot, and we communicate directly with the spoken words and the amount of time we spend with them. The most positive or negative communications, as far as results are concerned, take place when parents talk about their children. How the parent really feels about the child is often revealed in the discussions either in the child’s presence or ostensibly when the child is not listening. The kids believe this overheard conversation and respond accordingly.

I’ve heard parents call their kids monsters or dummies. I’ve heard parents say such cruel and thoughtless things as, “When he failed the third-grade reading test, I knew we were going to have trouble with him and that he never would be a good student. He does such dumb things in school, but that’s to be expected: He does dumb things around the house.” I’ve heard two-year-olds referred to as the “terrible two’s,” when in reality they’re the terrific two’s, the tremendous three’s and fantastic four’s, the fabulous five’s, the super six’s, the sensational seven’s.

You can be certain that what your child hears you say about him will be taken at face value, while the words you say to him are often taken with a grain of salt. That’s why your true feelings and attitudes about your child are so important. That’s why it’s so important for you to become a “good-finder.” If your kids overhear you saying positive, complimentary things about them, they will believe that is how you really feel and respond accordingly. That’s why so much of this book is devoted to you, the parent. You can fool your kids on occasion, but there is no way you’re going to fake them out for a lifetime. Your true feelings and attitudes will be communicated to the kids, and that’s good, because by now you have developed a winning attitude about your kids, haven’t you? (And, fortunately, it’s getting better, isn’t it?) All of this requires work and dedication on your part, but who said raising positive kids in a negative world was an easy chore?

I’m going to end this chapter with a thought on the one key ingredient in family communication that is assumed as a given by most people but is most difficult to practice. That key is listening—really listening. When children or parents feel they are being listened to, they are able to respect the listeners and respect themselves—since their comments have value. This leads us to the next chapter where we discuss the importance of feeling good about oneself. That’s right—how to have, and help your children have, a positive self-image.

PERSONAL EVALUATION

1. When you were growing up, how was the art of conversation practiced in your home?

2. What deliberate steps are you taking to communicate with your kids?

3. Zig says the tone of voice is critical. It’s hard to listen to ourselves. What would your spouse say if you asked him/her about your tone of voice with the children?

4. If the answer to your child’s request has to be no, but you’d like to soften it, what do you say? Would Swindoll’s advice help you here?

5. When was the last time you really listened to your children? What were they saying?

TEN

Building a Healthy Self-Image

Here we are at Chapter 10, and we’re still spending a considerable amount of time and space on the parents. Here’s why. The parents’ self-images, attitudes, and moral values have direct, powerful influence on their children. If the parents’ self-images are sound, their approach to teaching, loving, and disciplining their children will be dramatically different from what it would be if they suffered from low self-esteem.

Virtually everyone agrees that self-image is important. Thousands of editorials, books, pamphlets, and articles have been published to tell us about our self-image. Despite this fact, poor self-image or low self-esteem seems to be a national dilemma. Why? There are many reasons, many of them tied to the negative character of our society as stated in Chapter 2, so I won’t elaborate further except to note that factors such as ridicule, abuse, abandonment, and low moral standards can be highly destructive. Let’s look briefly at a couple of these.

RIDICULE AND ABUSE

One thing that negatively affects a child’s self-image is ridicule. Often this is associated with the child whose family suffers alcoholism, drug addiction, divorce, abandonment, a prison term, or other problems related to having only one parent. Further reasons for ridicule may include having profane, immoral parents or intolerable living conditions, which make it impossible to invite friends home to play.

One of the worst causes of poor self-image is child abuse. Since I deal with this problem in Chapter 12, I won’t elaborate at this point other than to say that with the dramatic increase in addictive pornographic materials, the immoral nature of so much of the fare in movies, TV, and music, and the ever-present breakup of families, the problem is getting increasingly worse.

THE NEED FOR UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

Yes, ridicule, abuse, faultfinding, and so on are destructive forces. From one perspective they all stem from a critical, harmful, negative spirit. As such, they are all tied together, but personally I have come to the conclusion that the number one cause of a poor self-image in adults and children is the absence of unconditional parental love. This unconditional love from the parent almost always precedes self-acceptance. I have come to this conclusion as a result of considerable research done personally and by various members of our staff through thousands of contacts made in our school “I Can” program and our “Born to Win” seminars.

What is unconditional love? It’s just what the phrase implies—loving a person without any prior conditions, because of who the person is and not because of what the person does. Unfortunately, too many parents love a child if he cleans up his room, makes good grades, is home by eleven, is a “good” boy or girl. In short, the love is conditional. This means that often a child doesn’t feel he deserves love, even from his parents. The love is tied to performance, and if the performance isn’t good, the indication is that there is no love. If the child feels that parents love only the good actions or good performance and not him, a Pandora’s box of potential trouble is opened up.

If the child doesn’t feel he deserves love from his own parents, he assumes that he is unworthy of love; therefore, he should not love himself. Logically, then, if he can’t love himself and feel good about himself, who will love him? Indeed, it is a very short step to feeling of no value—a nobody. Such a blow to the self-image—namely, feeling “I’m a nobody”—is devastating.

MANIFESTATIONS OF A POOR SELF-IMAGE

A person with a poor self-image will reveal his true colors in various ways. Tell a youngster like this to stay away from drugs because they are bad news and he will often think, Man, don’t tell me that! My friends tell me drugs are fun; that they will make me feel big and will make me one of the gang. Besides, I’ve got nothing to lose because I’m nothing. Remember, parents, if there is a slight chance to be “someone” in a gang or to be accepted by doing something, however weird or wrong, some “nobodies” will leap at the chance—anything to gain acceptance—for an opportunity to be somebody.

Tell him to study his lessons, straighten up, and obey the law, and his thoughts invariably are, Why should I? The deck is stacked against me. Everyone else gets the breaks. You can’t win against the bureaucracy. Besides, since I’m a nobody, I don’t deserve anything good; so why shouldn’t I have some fun, raise a little sand, gorge myself with food, get high on drugs or alcohol, engage in sex, and do the things my peer group tells me I must do to be part of the gang? I don’t like me as I am, so what have I got to lose?

One of the tragic figures in our schools is the class cutup whose poor self-image makes him feel he must see something funny in everything or constantly indulge in childish pranks to get a laugh. This conduct invites other students to poke fun or laugh at him, which is a form of recognition. This ensures that he won’t be ignored by everyone. In extreme cases the class clown could be seeking expulsion from class because he feels he has no chance to pass, and getting kicked out of class is better to him than flunking out.

Teenage depression is another common manifestation of a poor self-image. This one is particularly significant, because the ultimate in depression and self-hate is suicide. According to the American Society for Adolescent Psychiatry, suicide is the third leading cause of death among fifteen to twenty-four year olds. When a person thinks very little of himself, he has the tendency to think very little of his chance in life. Then depression enters the picture and is tragically often the forerunner of suicide.

Those who have a negative self-image often have difficulty understanding how others could think highly of them. This creates an inner turmoil that hurts personal relationships, thus creating a self-destructive mind-set and rejection by friends, which further contribute to the depression.

By the way, I attempt to identify some of these characteristics because if this enables you to recognize potential trouble spots in your own child, your effectiveness in dealing with your child will be improved.

Another common occurrence is represented by the girl with a poor self-image who feels she is “nothing” and therefore can offer nothing but her body. She is easy prey for any guy who shows an interest in her. This possibility is compounded, of course, as more sexually explicit programs bombard our homes on a daily basis with teenage role models serving as the principal characters.

If the youngster with a poor self-image doesn’t find a “steady” and everyone else has someone, he or she will often dress in a provocative manner to catch someone or anyone. Any relationship primarily built on physical attractiveness is destined to be short-lived. This is one reason parents need to be especially attentive and discerning when their sons and daughters first start taking a real interest in members of the opposite sex. Wise parents will take serious note of sudden, provocative dress codes adopted by their sons and daughters.

It is safe to say that every area of life and every occupation are affected by a poor self-image. If you fit, or think you fit, into the group with a poor self-image or if you have a child who fits, let me enthusiastically tell you that there is help available. In the next few pages I’ll give you some step-by-step procedures to correct that poor image.

VIVE LA DIFFÉRENCE

People are different. Yes, that’s right—adults, children, teenagers—each of us is unique. In the same family one individual might be all thumbs and be unable to screw in a lightbulb while a sibling might be quite dexterous. One youngster might be a straight-A student with a sparkling personality and a model’s good looks while a sibling might struggle to make C’s and need lots of confidence-building to overcome shyness and feelings of being rejected or physically unattractive. Most importantly, this child needs your unconditional love.

Needless to say, you should not treat each youngster alike or with the same expectations. Nevertheless, each one can be reared as a positive kid to make contributions to our society. It is vitally important to remember that regardless of what a child has in the way of mental alertness, brawn, and beauty, his self-image is to a large degree dependent on how he thinks you, the parent, really feel about him.

Remember, parents, generally speaking it is quite easy for the multitalented child to feel okay about himself and to be accepted by his peers. Often it’s the less-endowed child who becomes a victim of self-deprecation for one reason or another. With this child, parents need to be “good-finders” and encouragers, giving and using special love, compassion, and wisdom.

SELF-IMAGE DO’S AND DON’TS

Now I’m going to give you some practical do’s and don’ts mixed in with some examples, which will dramatically affect your self-image and that of your children. You will notice that some of these tips are covered more thoroughly in other sections of this book. No matter; the topic of self-image is so fundamental that it pervades the whole process involved in raising positive kids and influences many, if not all, of the other issues dealt with in this book.

1. Parents must forgo the temptation to constantly repeat to their children what they accomplished when they were in school. Somebody laughingly has said that time dramatically improves the parents’ performance. In reality what most parents want from their children is something they themselves never had as students, namely, As on their report cards, perfect reports on deportment, and 100 percent attendance. 2. We need to teach our children, and remind them often, that nobody can make them feel inferior without their permission, and they need to be taught not to give that permission to anyone. They must see that God makes no mistakes. As the well-known quote says, “He don’t make no junk.”

Understanding and accepting this thought by Alexis de Tocqueville will improve anyone’s self-image: Man travels hundreds of miles to gaze at the broad expanse of the ocean. He looks with awe at the heavens above. He stares in wonderment at the fields and the mountains and the rivers and the streams. And then he passes himself by without a thought, God’s most amazing creation.

3. Since your personality is judged by the way others perceive you, the way you teach your child to communicate and “come across” is extremely important for every phase of his life. For that reason I strongly urge you to help your child develop an enthusiastic outlook on life. You can do this in many different ways.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE IS LOVING A PERSON WITHOUT ANY PRIOR CONDITIONS.

For example, when your children are introduced to someone, teach them to courteously and enthusiastically say, “It’s nice to meet you,” and call that individual by name. If you teach your children from an early age to repeat a person’s name, you will convey to them that a person’s name is important. This makes them more socially acceptable and helps them gain friends, which they often perceive as a measure of their own self-worth and importance. When the conversation is terminated, teach your children to say, “I’m glad to have met you,” or “Nice to meet you,” and again repeat that person’s name.

Also, teach them how to say please and thank you and how to shake hands—not like a dead fish or a test of strength, but simply a good, firm handshake.

Teach your child that when the telephone rings, he should answer it quickly and pleasantly (just as you do), as if he knew someone was calling to give him the good news he had been waiting to hear for a long time. Teach your child to greet his classmates or his friends’ parents enthusiastically.

Show him that he is someone of value by the way you introduce him to others. This is especially true after the child gets to be about six or seven years old. When you introduce him or her say, “This is my son,” or “This is my daughter.” Your voice inflection can either communicate to your child that you love him and are proud to claim parenthood or that he is not important to you.

4. Select for children jobs or chores around the house that have definite starting and stopping points. The completion of anything has a tendency to improve self-image. You can help ensure the finished job by giving them workable plans with reachable time schedules. For example, a little guy cutting a big yard should be taught to break the assignment into two parts. The whole yard could look impossible to a youngster, but little goals or steps taken in sequence will get the big job done. You’ve heard it a thousand times, “By the mile it’s a trial, but by the inch it’s a cinch.”

5. Encourage your children to carefully choose their friends. Explain that when they deliberately associate with ambitious people of high moral character who look on the bright side of life, the benefits will be enormous.

Several years ago at Belleville Township High School West in Belleville, Illinois, four of the nine students selected for the New Citizenship Award were part of a group of eleven who were close friends and, with one exception, had been together since junior high. Significantly, all eleven had made it to the final selection process. When kids associate with the right people with a positive moral outlook on life, they greatly enhance their chances of winning.

6. Encourage your child’s character. It is true that everyone can’t excel in all areas, such as brains, brawn, or good looks, but you can assure your child that he can be just as honest, courteous, cheerful, loyal, faithful, enthusiastic, and any one of a hundred other positive things as others are. Those are qualities he can take to the marriage or business marketplace and find ready buyers. When your child understands what he can have, can be, and can do by acquiring those qualities, you’re on your way to raising a positive child. So one of the most effective steps you can take with your child is to help him with a self-inventory of his positive qualities. Remember that many times a child gets down on himself because he does not think much about his positive attributes. You need to serve as a “cheerleader” for him.

7. Of all the things you can teach your children, surely learning how to read is one of the most important. According to Dr. Alice Blair, superintendent of Chicago’s District 13, who has had phenomenal success with her disciplined, no-nonsense but loving approach to dealing with “impossible” educational situations, 90 percent of all male teenage delinquents read at or below the third-grade level. She says that delinquency is a cry for self-esteem, which anyone can have today if he doesn’t read. Reading is the key to education in virtually every area of life.

In the case of your child’s vocabulary, you have an especially attractive option with several bonuses. The library or a bookstore can provide numerous books for building vocabulary that are specifically for your child’s grade level. Each evening spend just ten minutes teaching one new word, and encourage your child to learn one word out of the book provided for him. Share with your child any new words you may have learned. This is a marvelous way for him to start learning the adult language, which can be so meaningful and significant in his life. It will also help you.

8. To build your child’s self-image, teach him manners. Our society over the past three decades has put everyone in such an incredible hurry that many parents have been “too busy” to teach discipline, common courtesy, and simple table manners. For a parent to neglect this area of a child’s education is one of the really big sins of omission.

An amazing number of parents do not know the simple rudiments of table manners. They talk with their mouths crammed with food and grab a fork like a baseball bat. They cut an entire piece of meat at one time, do not know which utensil to use for which food, leave the spoon in the tea or coffee after stirring in the sweetener, reach across the table, leave the house or restaurant with a toothpick in their mouths, and so on. In the event you parents do not have the knowledge or the patience to teach your children good table manners, I suggest you encourage the children to take classes in social etiquette to acquire those skills and social graces.

9. Emphasize the development of a creative imagination; teach your child to “see.” The word imagination is described in the dictionary as “the act or power of forming a mental image of something not present to the senses or never before wholly perceived in reality; a creation of the mind, resourcefulness.”

Years ago when I lost the weight I needed to lose, one of the methods I used was to put a picture of a man in Jockey shorts on the bathroom mirror and then I visualized myself looking like him. This is constructive use of the imagination. I saw myself as a slender person until the day arrived when I looked that way.

Successful people in every field of endeavor follow this procedure. Golfing immortal Jack Nicklaus “sees” the ball dropping into the cup before he putts the ball. Successful former placekicker Tom Dempsey “saw” the ball splitting the uprights before he kicked the ball. Great composers and playwrights “see” the completed work long before it is committed to paper. Successful parents raising positive kids need to “see” their kids as finished, competent, positive adults while they are still kids; and they need to help each of their kids “see” themselves as successful adults in the future. Whether you want to move into management, function as a sports star, be a successful mate or parent, or get into ownership of your own business, you need to “see” yourself in that position.

10. One of the most important principles in building a healthy self-image is to establish a positive, loving environment. I’m talking, of course, about an attitude in the home. When the telephone rings in our home, my favorite way of answering is, “Good morning, this is Jean Ziglar’s happy husband!” I do that because it’s true, and it enables me to score all kinds of points with that Redhead of mine. There’s also the chance that it might encourage the caller to say some good things about his or her mate. I’ll be the first to admit that sometimes after that there is a long pause! Then I’ll pleasantly say, “If you don’t speak up, I’m a’gonna hang up!” To this the caller will often respond, “Man, you sure do feel good today!” Zig: “Yes, many years ago I decided I was going to feel good today!” Psychologists generally agree that the decision you make as to how you want to feel and how you expect to feel plays an extremely important part in how you actually do feel.

When my children, and later my grandchildren, were small, I’d answer differently. If my granddaughter named “Keeper” (so named because when we saw her we knew we had a “keeper”) or my granddaughter named “Sunshine” (for obvious reasons) was around when the telephone rang, I might well answer it, “Good morning, this is Keeper’s (or Sunshine’s) proud granddaddy!” The looks on the faces of those two beautiful granddaughters were a sight to behold; but more important, think of what it did for their self-image.

A loving, happy home environment helps all the team members to feel better about themselves and to like being at home. This means, of course, that your children are far more inclined to invite their friends home with them than to go to their friends’ homes. To be honest, I’d rather have a dozen kids in my home and know exactly what is going on than to have my children somewhere else and have no earthly idea what is happening.

11. Help your child develop pride in being an important part of something worthy and noble that is bigger than any one individual. It’s the easiest, fastest, and surest ways of building a healthy self-image in your child. The family, as I’ve indicated in other portions of this book, is the logical place to start. The church, school, and community can be real sources of pride. Obviously, pride and gratitude in being an American can have a significant impact on a child’s self-image.

As an aside, but important enough for me to mention it here, to really help build a healthy self-confidence in your child, and to feel good about yourself and your country, I encourage you to get a copy of The Light and the Glory, by Peter Marshall and David Manuel. The Light and the Glory, with the exception of the Bible, is the most meaningful, moving, important, and inspiring book I have read in many years. It is the true, documented story of America that you and I were not taught when we were in school. It tells precisely how Columbus was really led to the discovery of America, who the Pilgrims and the Puritans really were, and the importance of their role in America. You’ll learn how we won our independence and the true greatness of George Washington. You’ll be unbelievably inspired; you’ll shed tears of joy and gratitude for America and for the men and women, inspired by God, who made it free—and great.

Teach your child the messages in The Light and the Glory, and you will have a child with renewed faith and confidence. His optimism for life and his zeal for serving God, his family, and country will be greater.

12. Build your self-image by starting the day looking yourself in the eye and making the commitment to do and be your best that day. Then proceed to do exactly that. Before you go to bed that night, you can look yourself in the eye and honestly say, “Today I did my best.” Almost nothing will make you feel better about yourself than knowing that you have done your best. This is true whether you are a child or an adult, and this procedure will make you number one with the person who has more to do with your success and happiness than anyone else—you. When you teach your child how to be number one, he will have a solid self-image.

13. If your child has a physical problem that contributes to a negative self-image, explore your options. These problems can occasionally be altered without a great deal of time, trouble, or expense. If so, I certainly encourage a parent to do that.

There are also occasions when plastic surgery can be quite helpful in rebuilding or renewing the self-image. This is especially true when a child has an unusually large or long nose, protruding ears, or a harelip. This area, however, often involves psychological considerations that have to be dealt with on an in-depth and personal basis. Caution and counsel are the watchwords, but I have seen some dramatic personality changes occur following plastic surgery.

In retrospect, it seems incredible that we did not notice it, but when our youngest daughter, Julie, was seventeen, she talked with us about her ears. I had looked at my little girl tens of thousands of times, and all I had ever seen was a vivacious, bright-eyed, highly motivated, beautiful young girl. However, she asked me a question: “Haven’t you ever noticed, Daddy, that I always wear my hair so that it covers my ears?” To tell you the truth, I had never noticed it. Then she showed me how her ears stuck out.

Frankly, I still couldn’t see how they “stuck out”; but in her mind it was a serious problem, and if it’s in her mind, then it is a serious problem! So her mother and I readily agreed that plastic surgery would be in order. Today if you see our youngest daughter, chances are ten to one you will see her wearing her hair in such a way that her ears are showing; and, yes, it did make a difference in her confidence and in her self-image.

As you review these suggested do’s and don’ts to building a healthier self-image for your child, let me remind you that each step is designed to help your child accept himself. Ironically, once he does that, it will no longer be a matter of life or death for others to accept him. At that point he will not only be accepted by them, but his company will be sought by them. That’s a good image-builder itself !

A FINAL WORD ON SELF-IMAGE BUILDING

I can say with reasonable certainty that when your child is between the ages of nine and fifteen, you will have a better chance of losing him to drugs and immorality than at any other stage of his life. During these critical years children are going through many physiological and psychological changes. At the same time they’re being bombarded with the moral values of the media, their peer group, family, church, and school. Many of these are often in direct conflict and create considerable confusion within the children’s minds as to which values are real and which are artificial.

SUCCESSFUL PARENTS RAISING POSITIVE KIDS NEED TO “SEE” THEIR KIDS AS FINISHED, COMPETENT, POSITIVE ADULTS.

This is a period of time when kids desperately need you to put your arms around them, hug them and kiss them, tell them how much you love them, and how important they are to you. Those are the needs, and they are real. Interestingly enough, although kids need you the most at this stage, they will probably seem to be the least comfortable with you. That’s one of the reasons many of them seem to pull away. That pulling away, parents, is your signal to reach out with love and understanding and keep that listening antenna tuned in to hear not only what your child says—but what he/she is not saying.

During these years your children probably will change schools twice. These “new” times and relationships make your children vulnerable to new pressures, friends, and influences. A child might well have been quite popular and accepted in the old school, but the move to the new one brings on a whole new set of circumstances. At this particular point, kids involved in drugs and promiscuity often reach out to those kids who are just coming in. In our case, when we first moved to Dallas, one of our daughters was offered drugs the first day in her new school. During this time I encourage you to be especially attentive to, and supportive of, your child, because these years are crucial for the well-being and happy development of your children. Spend extra time with him, notice his friends, be alert, and listen carefully when he talks about incidents and people at school. One reason the lines of communication need to be established early is because when kids change to a new school, they’re not likely to start telling you “everything” if they have not been telling you “anything” to that point.

GIVE HUGS AND SAY I LOVE YOU

Until the family problems are solved, the crime problem will never be solved. I refer primarily at this point to the father-son relationship. Bill Glass, the former NFL All-Pro football player who played for the Detroit Lions, has had a prison ministry for many years. He has been in literally hundreds of jails and has talked with thousands of prisoners individually. Ninety-three percent of the incarcerated are men. Bill said that he had never talked to a man in prison that truly loved his father. Most of them hated their fathers and they took out their hatred on themselves (drugs and alcohol) and the rest of society.

One of the top personnel connected with Hallmark Cards said that for several years they distributed cards in the prisons to women for Mother’s Day and literally hundreds of the women sent those cards home. However, the percentage of men who accepted cards to send home on Father’s Day was so minute that they considered it a waste of time and resources and discontinued giving the men the cards.

We can all take advantage of history to improve our future. This goes back to the days of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, when Jewish fathers did (and Jewish fathers do to this day) three things, all of which take a matter of only seconds. The Jewish father says to his son (whether the boy is three-years-old, thirty-years-old, or sixty-years- old, he is still a son), “Bless you, my son.” That’s step number one. “I love you, son.” That’s step number two. Then he gives his son a big ol’ hug and in many cases, all of their lives, a big ol’ kiss. That’s step number three.

I will confess that my relationships with my daughters and my wife have always been such that whenever we see one another we hug and kiss and profess our mutual love just as we do on the phone. With my son it was a little different. I never set a date to quit being demonstrative or consciously thought, He’s so big now, it’s time for me to stop the mushy stuff, but over a period of time I showed him affection and spoke of my love for him less and less frequently. One day after a game of golf, Tom was transferring his clubs from my car to his, when I told him we needed to talk. I said, “You know, son, over the years, I don’t know why but I’ve gradually stopped telling you how important you are to me and how much I love you, and I just want you to know that you are extremely important to me and I love you very much.” My son looked at me and said, “Well, Dad, I know that.” But there were tears in his eyes. We hugged and held on to each other. No hug feels better than the one that has been too long in coming.

Let me emphasize a point here: I believe my son and I have always had an extraordinarily close relationship. He came along nearly ten years after our youngest daughter. He’s my golfing buddy. But now when I greet my son, whether it’s in church, a restaurant, at the golf course, or in front of corporate clients, I no longer shake my son’s hand. I do the manly thing. I hug my son. Our beautiful relationship is even more beautiful today.

Dad, you need to be hugging your son. If you haven’t been doing it, regardless of how old he is, it’s time to start. Tell him how much you love him. You’re going to be astonished at the way your son handles it. I can guarantee you it will change many things.

What about the girls? Oh yes, Dad, you never really have any trouble hugging and kissing on your daughters and telling them how much you love them—that is, in most cases, until they start to mature. And then in front of your very eyes you see a strange creature living in your home, and you wonder what on earth has happened. Two things are very important here. First, Mom should prepare her well in advance for the changes coming about in her life. But even then, when it occurs there is puzzlement, frustration, and even anxiety as she wonders if the feelings she is experiencing are always going to be part of her life. And many times at the most critical time in her life Dad backs away from her. Just at the moment when she needs the most hugging and fatherly affection, it’s suddenly withdrawn. At that specific moment, old Fast Freddie moves in down the street, and in so many cases an unhealthy relationship is formed at far too early an age.

Dr. Ross Campbell, brilliant psychiatrist from Chattanooga, Tennessee, says the evidence is overwhelming that girls who receive an abundance of fatherly affection are substantially less promiscuous and far less likely to get involved in drugs, sex, and the wrong crowd, including gangs.

What does all of this boil down to? It simply means that letting your child know how much you love him or her and showing it with fatherly affection keeps them out of trouble and builds their self-worth.

PERSONAL EVALUATION

1. Mention some of the ways kids manifest a negative self-image. Do your children have any of these characteristics?

2. How many of the self-image do’s are you practicing regularly?

3. Why are the ages between nine and fifteen a critical time in self-image building?

4. What are some of the recommendations specifically for parents with children in this critical age?

5. Would you agree to banish ridicule and abuse from your ongoing relationships with your children? How can you do this? What do you think will be the benefit to your family if you do this?

6. Give your own definition of what it means to practice unconditional love.

ELEVEN

Sex

Of all the factors in life, the one with the most potential for good or evil is sex. Properly used as God intended for it to be, sex truly brings more pleasure and happiness than anything. It brings husbands and wives into a beautiful, loving relationship that is almost beyond comprehension. It perpetuates the human race and enables family love to be extended through the generations. Misused and out of control in an immoral way (any sex outside marriage), it brings more grief than any other single factor.

WHO TEACHES JOHNNY AND MARY ABOUT SEX?

One of the most heated discussions in American education today has to do with the subject of sex education in the schools. Many people honestly feel that sex education is an absolute necessity to prevent or slow down the ever-increasing instances of illegitimate pregnancies, abortions, herpes, AIDS, and venereal diseases. Many others disagree.

Evidence is substantial that in areas where sex education is taught without the attendant moral values, promiscuity, pregnancies, and venereal disease increase in measurable amounts. It is my firm conviction that we need not more sex information on birth control in the schools but more teaching of moral values and self-control in the home. I also believe that since our kids are sexually stimulated from a very early age by TV, music, and playground gossip loaded with misinformation, sex education must be taught from an early age by the parents and only in rare circumstances by the schools. For those rare circumstances when sex education in the schools is the only viable alternative, I encourage you to get in touch with LifeWay at (800) LUV-WAIT and ask for their teaching tool, True Love Waits Takes a Look at Courting, Dating, and Hanging Out. This material is a scriptural study of purity presented in such a way that kids relate and want to remain abstinent until the day they marry.

If Mom and Dad are openly thoughtful and affectionate with each other, evidenced by a little hand-holding, expressions of love, and nonsexual hugging, children very early learn that the family is a loving unit, that it’s nice to have a mate of one’s very own. When loving parents demonstrate kindness and caring toward each other, children learn more about the proper attitude and behavior toward the opposite sex than by any other method. Such parents provide an effective lifetime laboratory of sex education for their children to observe. This effectively opens the door to teach the kids about sex and the role it plays in their lives.

I remember one afternoon when my six-year-old son was watching an old, old television movie. The hero and heroine were embracing. As I walked through the den, I saw it and rather facetiously said, “My goodness! That sure is mushy!” Without looking up from the television my son replied, “Huh! You ought to see you and Mom!”

To be honest, I would prefer that my son spread the word around the neighborhood that Mom and Dad are at home hugging rather than that Mom and Dad are at home fighting. To the best of my knowledge, my son had never seen me give his mother more than a friendly, quick kiss. But I do know he had seen us hold hands and hug a lot.

I do not believe a child should be permitted to see his parents indulge in any display of affection in which he himself cannot participate. Nevertheless, my son had gotten a clear picture that Mom and Dad were affectionate with each other. It was such a “normal” thing for him to see his parents loving and nonsexually embracing each other that he did not even bother to look up from the television when he made his comment. I believe that’s the best way to raise a positive kid who is going to grow up looking forward to a permanent, positive relationship with the girl he marries.

In an article in USA Today, Marilyn Elias reports a study done by Utah State University sociologist Brent Miller that involved 1,150 teenagers. He discovered that the more openly parents talked to teens about their sex-related values and beliefs, the less active their kids were in both sexual attitudes and behavior. Also, if the teens learned the sexual facts from parents, they were significantly less likely to be sexually active than those who learned them from friends.[1]

SEX EDUCATION

The best and most effective way to sexually educate your child is to start at about age four or five. Several good books can help you in this task, and I strongly suggest you go to your bookstore or library and review them. Since morals have declined and so many people live by the “anything goes” theory, you can’t be too careful about the material you choose to read to your children. A simple book written for three- to five-year-olds opens the door to the subject and makes it easy to continue the child’s sex education in the months and years ahead. One of the most important and exciting fringe benefits of this approach is that it dramatically reduces the possibility that your child will be sexually molested (remember, more than 80 percent of all child molesters are family members, friends, and trusted authority figures).

Instead of waiting for your child to bring up the subject, introduce the book on where babies came from as a natural part of childhood education during the time you normally read to your child and go from there. You should use the same natural voice with all the animation and excitement you have been using with the other books.

A few sessions like these satisfy childhood curiosity and answer questions that perhaps the child has thought about. They also set the stage for more detailed discussions later. It’s very natural for the subject matter to get a little more involved, mature, and detailed as the child has birthdays and doesn’t feel embarrassed to talk with Mom or Dad about the subject.

An excellent book for preteens and early teens is Preparing for Adolescence, by James Dobson. Written in the language of the child, it is ideal. Follow this with So You Want to Be a Teenager? by Dennis Rainey.

One extremely important aspect of sexually educating your child, especially your daughter, to the ways of the world concerns the entrance into the world of work. In most cases this involves babysitting. On a teen’s baby-sitting assignments, Mom and Dad definitely need to know the circumstances and people involved. You must have a very serious talk with your daughter, regardless of how much you love and trust the person for whom she is baby-sitting. Some men feel an overpowering attraction for young girls, and, if they do not have moral restraints, will rationalize and justify every action they take. With this in mind you need to tell your daughter that there are some men in the world who do not treat young girls with respect. (Let me remind you that by now you will have covered her basic sex education.) Tell her that if anyone says or does anything that makes her uncomfortable, she is to let you know exactly what was said and done. In most cases, parents, you should gently probe the events of the evening when your daughter comes home.

Ideally, from a biological/physiological perspective, Mom should talk to daughters and Dad should talk to sons. However, when it comes to telling daughters about the way boys “really” are, Dad can tell daughters more in a few minutes than Mom can all day. For example, most boys in the heat of a passionate seduction effort (which they might but probably don’t confuse with love) will pledge undying love and the permanent sealing of their lips. The next day a select few close friends take a sudden interest in dating this “wild passionflower” whom they had never even spoken to before they foolishly believed her suitor of the night before. That is not an isolated incident—that is S.O.P. (standard operating procedure) for most males. The male ego is such that the situation generally occurs even when the guy has been going steady or is possibly engaged to marry the girl.

Dad can tell his daughter in no uncertain terms that the oldest trick since Adam and Eve is for the boy to challenge the girl to prove her love for him by surrendering her virginity. Any thinking girl would know better; but a genuine affection for the boy, fanned by the passion of the moment under tempting circumstances, can cause reason to go out the door if the girl is not forewarned and forearmed.

Because Mom understands girls, she can lovingly tell her son how to treat girls to win their love and respect. She can give him the woman’s perspective and explain how girls think and feel. Mom can properly caution her son not to become trapped in a relationship that is not healthy.

From the beginning of sex education for your child, you should stress that sex is a beautiful gift God has set aside for husbands and wives and only for husbands and wives. Both boys and girls should be carefully taught and reminded that their virginity is a precious gift they can give to their future spouses. Regardless of what the experts and humanists of the day are inclined to say, premarital sex is not only sin, but as I have thoroughly covered in another section of the book, it is also irresponsible and definitely not in the best interests of the persons involved.

The tragedy today is that many parents never even tell their children that sex outside of marriage is not something “everybody does.” Nor do they tell them that it is absolutely wrong. In many cases they never tell their sons and daughters that, when they surrender their virginity, they are defrauding their future mate and surrendering a part of themselves that is priceless. Tragically, countless parents never even tell their children what virginity is or how it is lost; nor do they mention the possibility of pregnancy or venereal disease.

A psychologist once told me of the tears and heartbreaks of the countless young men and women he had counseled. They took overpowering feelings of guilt into their marriages because they were so “in love” before the wedding they rationalized that premarital sex was not only acceptable, it was also morally responsible and, therefore, not a sin in the eyes of God.

He told me one particular story that made a deep impression on my mind (no names, of course). A beautiful young woman sat in his office one morning and shared how she, in an effort to become popular and to get in with a particular group, surrendered her virginity. The “gang” by whom she wanted to be accepted had clearly stipulated that no virgin would be a part of their crowd. Result: While still a teenager, she surrendered her virginity to a boy she did not even like. Needless to say, this was not the only boy with whom she became sexually involved. Once the virginity is gone and sexual activity has begun, it is very difficult for a young person to say no.

The psychologist elaborated and pointed out that when the girl was older and fully realized what she had surrendered, she became angry—and even bitter—at the fact that she had never been told what she would be sacrificing. She had exchanged a priceless gift she could have given her husband for the acceptance of a group that was undesirable at best and dangerous at worst. It took her a number of years, during which she often seriously contemplated suicide, to work through the problem.

As a result of this conversation and the other information gathered for this book, I have reached the inevitable conclusion that parents who do not sexually educate their children leave them completely vulnerable to the whims of biology. In a real sense parents are guilty of child abuse—or neglect—because the consequences can be so devastating.

Extremely important: If you are a parent who did not properly inform your child, and if your child suffered as a result, don’t go on a guilt trip. I believe that you truly love your child and that you did the best you could with what you knew to teach during those years your child needed to be taught. For the rest of you who have small children, the information contained in this chapter can make a tremendous difference in their lives.

The point is crystal clear. If mothers and dads will instruct their sons and daughters by word and deed from the very beginning that their virginity is priceless and that premarital sex is a no-no, many years of grief and unhappiness can be averted. So, parents, if you do nothing in the area of sex education but convince your sons and daughters they should be virgins when they marry, you will have helped them protect their honor and avoid untold grief. So how, when, and where do you teach your kids the “facts of life”?

ASK THE CHILD

Mary Jo Heckinger gives some sound advice on the role of parents in sex education.[2] Ms. Heckinger points out that when a young child has a question, the first step is to ascertain what he really wants to know. The simplest way is to ask the child what he thinks the answer is. This enables you to focus your answer on the information he wants and reveals any of his misconceptions.

She states that scientists say that 80 percent of sexual dysfunction could be avoided if couples had elementary anatomical knowledge, yet most high school students cannot draw diagrams of the reproductive system or adequately explain its function. She maintains that we (parents) need a good dictionary describing anatomical terms, so we can use it when we talk with our children. She also says that boys and girls should be prepared for events they will experience as they change, such as a nocturnal emission or menstruation. Such an event can be traumatic to the unprepared child.

As children become teenagers, it is far more difficult to talk to them. As much as the teenager asks to be left alone, he still needs your support and guidance. He is not completely sure how to stand on his own two feet yet, and he knows it.

SEX EDUCATION BY EXAMPLE

Ms. Heckinger stresses the role that God plays in this sex education, pointing out that sexuality is a gift from God to both men and women. In its rightful place it is beautiful and good. One simply cannot tell children for eighteen years that men only want what they can get, that all girls are teases, that displaying affection toward the opposite sex is nasty, that intercourse is bad, and then convince them on their wedding night that sex is a gift from God.

Ms. Heckinger emphasizes the importance of the role model. She observes that if the boy sees that all males open doors for women, then he will open doors for them. If the girl sees females carrying purses, she will do likewise. By watching others of the same sex, children acquire appropriate behavior.

She addresses the issue of exposure of the adult body to children and states that a parent caught in a state of undress needs to react calmly but firmly. The issue should be privacy, rather than nudity. A parent is well within his rights to state, “In our house we knock on doors before entering. Please go out, and I will be there as soon as I finish dressing.” To mimic a screaming banshee and rip the bedspread off the bed will only convince the child there is something terribly wrong with seeing the nude body. How you react will determine your child’s attitude about the body later.

CAREFUL, MOM—DON’T AROUSE YOUR SON

A junior high boy whose mother makes breakfast in a flimsy negligee may suffer guilty feelings because he finds himself responding sexually. Parents should avoid unconsciously seducing their children. Based on her research, psychologist Joyce Brothers has come to the conclusion that some men become rapists as a result of having been sexually overstimulated in childhood by their mothers or mother substitutes.

On the surface it might seem that as boys they had been given a great deal of care and affection by their mothers, but they had actually experienced constant sexual frustration. They were continually stimulated but not satisfied; in most cases this seductive behavior by the mother alternated with cruelty, harshness, and beatings. Aggression was often a common occurrence, and the boys grew up with the idea that women had to be taken by force. It is not surprising then that when a rapist marries, he will probably select a woman whose emotional problems are similar to those of this mother.

The normal, healthy feelings of affection between father and daughter and mother and son are vitally important for the mental and emotional health of all parties and are essential for good, solid family relationships.

MOM AND DAD’S RELATIONSHIP

Psychiatrist John Kozek noted that many times, as daughters begin to mature and move from innocent adolescence into adulthood, too many parents “lose” their children because of the father’s uncertainty in his role.

An FBI study a number of years ago revealed that when the father continues to show normal family affection for his daughter, the number of instances of those girls going astray sexually is dramatically less than it is for the girls who do not have that affection from their fathers. Dr. Kozek made the observation that in our changing society, many times an insecure father with a poor self-image stops hugging and holding his daughter when she begins to mature.

Suddenly, the little girl who was sitting on Dad’s knee one day is being told by Dad the next day, by his body language, to go away. What he’s doing is throwing her out to someone who is willing to give her affection—but of the wrong kind.

You develop a good level of communication, build a solid relationship, and protect your blossoming teenager from sexual involvement by showing healthy love and affection for her, which she desperately needs. However, Dad should be very careful that the affection is in no way of a nature that the child could construe as sexual. If a daughter shows discomfort with any sort of affection from her father, he should discontinue it immediately.

At this critical time parents need to be extremely careful about their daughters’ male friends. Many times an eighth- or ninth-grade girl who is just blossoming into womanhood is approached by a junior or senior boy for a date. To begin with, a girl should be at least sixteen before she is permitted to go on a date alone with a boy and fifteen before she’s permitted to double-date.

Research by Dr. Josh McDowell reveals that the odds are 9–1 that if daughters are permitted to date at age twelve they will be sexually active before they get out of high school. If the daughter waits until she is sixteen to start dating, odds are 4–1 that she will not be sexually active when she graduates from high school. For the loving, informed parent those figures make the choice easy.

Parents should be especially alert to any attention a boy who is three to five years older gives to their daughter when she is twelve, thirteen, or fourteen years old. The attention from the older boy can be quite flattering, and she may lose her sense of perspective. Incidentally, his attention to her is often a sign of immaturity and a poor self-image on his part. Parents who have a son in the eleventh or twelfth grade who suddenly takes an interest in a twelve- to fourteen- year-old girl should strongly encourage him to put a stop to that interest. Parents should have a serious talk with him about his sexual role and responsibilities and start regularly spending more time with him.

Realistically, I must warn you that the shy, awkward, stumbling fourteen-year-old boy also poses a tremendous potential risk for your twelve- or thirteen-year-old daughter. Most of that risk is wrapped up in the words time and opportunity. If they are permitted to spend countless hours together “studying” or watching TV unsupervised, you can count on those hopping hormones in both their bodies to overcome any and all awkward shyness, and a real danger to both the girl and the boy exists and grows with every get-together they have. Remember, familiarity and opportunity breed attempt. Supervise them, parents—keep them busy—channel their energy into healthy outlets.

Regardless of whether or not you’ve had a serious discussion about sex with your child, I encourage you to set aside an occasion when Mom and daughter or Dad and son spend at least a long day together. A hike in an isolated area, a camping outing, a fishing trip, or a long drive where there’s no interference or rush of any kind is ideal.

FOUNDATION FOR MARRIAGE

When my son was sixteen we spent a long weekend together. He was displaying considerable interest in a pretty young girl. Although he had gone to socials and spent time with other girls in church or in school, for the first time he was showing more than casual interest in one specific girl. We could easily tell, because when the telephone rang no one had to encourage him to answer it. In two fast steps he was there. When he shaved, he was extra careful to get all four of them, and there was a certain hop in his step that indicated our son was growing up.

MANY PARENTS NEVER EVEN TELL THEIR CHILDREN THAT SEX OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE IS NOT SOMETHING “EVERYBODY DOES.”

With this in mind I scheduled a long weekend with him. We had many beautiful hours of conversation, but to basically sum it up, here are the primary things I shared with my son. (Incidentally, we had pretty well covered the waterfront earlier.) Number one is the fact that premarital sex is a bummer and a losing proposition. Second, it is morally and scripturally wrong. God makes no exceptions. He simply says, “Sex outside of the husband-wife relationship is a sin.”

God tells us this not because He wants to inhibit us and keep us from having “fun,” but because He loves us so much He wants the very best possible life for us to live. The second area I covered was one that he already suspected, as do about 99.9 percent of all young people when those genes and hormones start dancing around. A healthy sexual relationship in marriage is truly one of the most beautiful experiences a human being can have. Movies, television, novels, and magazines have thoroughly sold that idea, and for me to deny the attraction between men and women would have been foolish and would have destroyed my son’s confidence in anything I might have had to say.

The third point I made was that all successful marriages are built on trust. If he and his girlfriend refrained from sexual activity during courtship and if they were meant for each other and did get married, the inevitable would eventually happen. They would be separated because of the impending birth of his child or because of business trips. If they had refrained from premarital sex, they would have established that trust upon which a successful marriage is built. I emphasize this simply because young people of sixteen to eighteen years old are at the absolute peak of their sexual drives, according to my memory bank and all the information I have ever read. If they discipline themselves and say no to sex at this point, they will have less difficulty being loyal to their mate once they’ve made a lifetime commitment.

The fourth point I made with my son was that, if this was not the girl for him, it would certainly be marvelous for her to be able to say someday to other people, “One of the really good things that happened to me in my lifetime was the fact that Tom Ziglar was my first boyfriend, and he treated me like a lady.” I pointed out to my son that they could be lifetime friends, and he could walk away with an absolutely clear conscience.

NONE OF THE OPTIONS ARE ACCEPTABLE

Fifth, I pointed out that when you indulge in sex, whether you are the boy or the girl, not only is it wrong, but it often leads to promiscuity, and the results from it are devastating.

If pregnancy occurs, a decision has to be made. Should you get married? Should an abortion be performed? Should the baby be born out of wedlock? Since Bible-believing Christians know abortion is murder (Exodus 20:13), that possibility would be ruled out. Therefore, another decision would have to be made. Do you keep the baby and attempt to raise it, or do you give the baby up for adoption?

Making these decisions can be extremely painful. With each alternative come special problems, and there are problems with each alternative. Pregnant teenagers have a higher than average amount of health problems, and babies they do deliver have an excessive number of abnormalities compared to babies born to nonteen mothers. Unfortunately, the infant mortality rate is high, too.

I stressed to my son that an unwanted, unplanned pregnancy would totally and completely alter the lives of both teenagers. If he elected to go ahead and get married, he would, in all probability, have to give up his education, his plans for the future, and many of his hopes and dreams. If he elected not to marry the girl, then he would go through life knowing that he had violated a trust.

I pointed out that if they indulged in premarital sex they would probably have intense feelings of guilt and, as a result, would feel compelled to get married. Marriage as a result of guilt does not establish a solid base for a happy, healthy lifetime relationship.

YOU’LL NEVER GET ACQUAINTED

The other area on which I elaborated at great length with my son was this one: If you get involved in a sexual relationship, you will never really get acquainted with the girl. On the surface this certainly seems like a strange thing to say, but the reasoning is simple and sound.

Once a sexual relationship is started, the chances of its being discontinued are very, very slim. As a matter of fact, when sex enters the picture, all the couple thinks about is getting back together for more sex. (This is particularly true for the boy.) They plan, scheme, and connive every way humanly possible to be off by themselves in private so they can have their sexual liaison. I pointed out to my son that it would probably make a sneak and a liar out of him and seriously affect the beautiful, open relationship he enjoyed with us and the girl’s parents.

I also told him that if sex was the major focus of their attention, they would, as a matter of course, eliminate or forsake many of the extraordinarily important discussions upon which a solid marriage is built. They would never get around to asking: Will both of us work, or only one? How many children do we want, if any? What are our philosophies of raising children? How are they similar, and how are they different? Where will we worship?

All in all, it was one of the most important periods of time I’d ever spent with my son, but, I repeat, we’d spent countless hours together before then, talking about all the things that concerned him as he was growing up.

TALK TO THEM, PARENTS

What all of this boils down to is the fact that to raise positive, moral kids and prepare them for the future, we need to be tuned in and listen to them. We need to be available as often as possible to talk with them.

One important key to communication on any issue or subject, and especially the really sensitive issues of our day, is to end every conversation with a comma, not a period. At the end of every discussion on these subjects the wise parent will terminate the session by saying, “I want you to remember that anytime you want to continue the conversation, I will be glad to do so; and I promise to give you an honest answer.” This approach demonstrates sensitivity and common sense.

THE HOMOSEXUAL ISSUE

Another major issue that concerns parents today is homosexuality. Many parents want to know what, if anything, they can do to make certain their sons and daughters grow up straight. They are troubled by many of the things they read and hear that are in direct contradiction to each other. The Facts on Homosexuality, a book by John Ankerberg with contributions by John Weldon, will help parents effectively communicate.

THE FATHER’S ROLE

The most critical role in the homosexual issue is that of the father. When fathers are either physically or psychologically absent from the home, their children may suffer major problems in sexual role adjustment. The most frequent family pattern reported by the male homosexual includes a binding, intimate mother in combination with a hostile, detached father. The fathers of homosexual sons are reported to be less affectionate than fathers of heterosexual sons.

ONE IMPORTANT KEY TO COMMUNICATION ON ANY ISSUE OR SUBJECT IS TO END EVERY CONVERSATION WITH A COMMA, NOT A PERIOD.

In one study of forty homosexual men, there was not a single case in which the man reported having had an affectionate relationship with his father. The fathers of homosexual men have been found to be indifferent and uninvolved with their families. In a majority of cases the fathers had left the decision making in the home to the mothers. Sons of such fathers often felt that their fathers were critical of their lack of interest in typically masculine activities.

Many homosexual men have reported that their homes and childhood were mother-dominated. In such homes neither the mother nor the father typically encouraged masculine activities or attitudes in the son. Vulnerability to homosexual temptation can also result if the parent tells the child that homosexuality is okay or, more obviously, if the parents involve their children in incestuous, homosexual acts.

I raise the issue of homosexuality primarily to alert you to the dangers and to encourage you never to give up the hope that if your child is involved, he can be helped.

To raise positive, moral kids who are sexually straight, we’ve got to listen to them and talk with them. We’ve got to see them as the people—initially little people, young people, and then the teenage people—they are. We’ve got to understand that they do have sexual feelings at what Mom and Dad would consider to be a very young age, and that they need to be understood, accepted, and dealt with in a loving, positive manner.

PERSONAL EVALUATION

1. Who taught you about sex?

2. How do you want your kids to learn about sex? From whom?

3. What can you as a mom share better with your kids regarding information on sex? As a dad?

4. Armed with factual information, your son or daughter will be better prepared to meet any situation. True or false?

5. Maybe you’ve made some errors in the way you’ve taught your children about sex. What can you do to change this?

6. Read again the section on Zig’s long weekend with his son. Summarize the discussion they had. Would it be of value for you to have such a time with your son or daughter?

TWELVE

Sex Abuse and Harassment

In an unusual way this could be one of the most important portions of this book. It is my hope and belief that this information can save many children from being victims of sexual abuse by alerting you parents or guardians to the problem and offering some guidelines to follow. This is important because it is difficult, though by no means impossible, for a child who has been abused sexually to be positive and free of psychological problems. Roughly 80 percent of sexual abuse is perpetrated by someone the child knows—father, stepfather, brother, uncle, scoutmaster, neighbor, minister, or recreational activity leader. The sooner the abuse is discovered and stopped, the better the chances of recovery. This article from the Fort Worth Star-Telegram is the best I have seen as far as identifying the victim and taking steps to help the child:[1]

The victims often become quiet. Happy, outgoing children suddenly are depressed. They may have nightmares or express fear that they have never expressed before. Curiosity may be squelched.

If children have been sexually abused outside the home, they may not want to go to school or the day-care center and may cry and cling to mother. Or they regress—forget toilet training or begin talking like a baby—therapists and social workers agree.

“Sometimes a child begins kissing with an open mouth or other inappropriate ways or using terms for different parts of the body that he has never used before. Excessive masturbation may also be a sign of abuse,” said Ann Clark, supervisor of sexual abuse caseworkers for the Texas Department of Human Resources’ Child Protective Services in Fort Worth.

For parents who observe this behavior in their child, counselors advise, “Don’t panic.” “Stay calm, even if your insides are churning. Speak with a neutral voice in neutral terms. Explosive behavior scares the child,” Clark said.

“Parents may act with surprise, anger, disgust or all of the above,” said Barney Hisanago, clinical director for the Parenting Guidance Center. “If parents react with shock and surprise, the child may think, ‘I did something wrong.’”

“Particularly, a very young child can be so scared by the parent’s initial reaction that he will shut it down and not talk about it at all,” said Cheryl Dielman, a therapist with the Child Study Center in Fort Worth. “Children are very sensitive to our emotions.”

“It is natural for the parents to be intensely emotional, and that’s the best reason to immediately call the Department of Human Resources or a counseling service to get a professional to talk to the child rather than seeking details themselves,” said Alice Wiedenhoff, another counselor with the Child Study Center.

It is most important for families and therapists helping a child to recover to convince the child that he or she is not at fault. “You have to make them understand that they are not responsible and it is nothing for them to feel guilty about,” Wiedenhoff said.

“Tell the child that the adult perpetrator has a problem, that it was the adult’s fault and that you and other adults he trusts are going to protect him against it ever happening again.

If you can assure the child that he never has to see the abuser again, it will help, although you shouldn’t do that unless it’s true,” the counselor noted.

“To reassure the child, you might tell him, ‘This person tricked you and lied to you, and of course you are scared,’” Dielman said. “If a child can really regain a sense that life is predictable and he can trust you and other adults around him to react in a predictable way, it will usually help.

“You have to build their self-esteem. The more they can get a sense of the positive, the more they can let go of what’s happened to them. If they can experience success at some task or at a school, it usually helps,” she said.

“Impact issues of child sexual abuse”—not the abuse itself—is what therapists must deal with. This is the guilt, fear, nightmares, depression, and low self-esteem. It is the feeling in girls that they are “damaged goods” or in older boys that they are going to be homosexuals because of the experience, Hisanago said.

It also is “a good idea to give the child a specific list of people they can talk to if anything like this ever happens again, and put as many trusted relatives and friends on that list as you can so the child knows there will always be someone he can talk with,” Hisanago said.

Children experience a kind of catharsis when they can work through a problem by talking or in play therapy, exactly the way adults do in discussing psychological problems with a therapist. “I have one little girl who beats on Bovo (a punching bag doll) and says over and over, ‘He was bad, he was bad, he was bad, and if he ever hurts me again, he will get hurt back,’” Dielman said. “Another girl I work with whose experi- ence was just horribly traumatic . . . was able to talk about it openly and honestly until finally it was no longer such a strongly emotional issue with her.”

While any kind of sexual abuse can be traumatic for a child, abuse outside the family is usually not as destructive, Wiedenhoff said. “They have such ambivalent feelings when it is their father. They hate him but they love him and they’re glad he’s gone but they miss him. Often it is the most important person in their lives, the person who always paid the most attention to them who did the abuse.

“In a day-care or school setting, there is some of that, but you have to look at the whole network. There is usually still a structured family to support and reassure the child. When the abuse is within the family, that structure is usually disrupted,” Wiedenhoff said. “In some cases, they lost such a huge part of their family and it’s such a disruptive thing in their own little world. I just believe it makes a big difference when they can still trust everyone in their immediate family,” she said.

To protect against abuse, children must be taught that certain parts of their bodies are private and special and that others should not touch them there, counselors say. Children need to know the difference between “good touch and bad touch” and be told to “yell and tell” if anyone tries to touch them in the “bad” way. And make certain that your child can always talk to you or other identified adults about “scary things,” such as abuse, problems at school, or “funny feelings,” Dielman said.

I believe the best way to help a child define being touched in “a bad way” is to have them put on a swim suit, a modest one piece for little girls, and tell them that no one is to touch the parts of the body covered by the bathing suit except the physicians you take them to see.

“So often parents are embarrassed to discuss sexual things with their children,” Clark said. “We teach them to respect authority and obey their teachers and caretakers, and in their cases that works against them. We teach them all the good little rules and regulations and we don’t teach them what to do if someone touches them inappropriately.”

“Children need to be taught that it’s okay to tell an adult, ‘Don’t touch me’ or ‘Leave me alone’ in some cases,” Wieden-hoff said. All the counselors, however, emphasized the difference between healthy communication and scaring a child.

WHO ARE THE MOLESTERS? WHY DO THEY MOLEST?

For most of us the thought of a father or other adult becoming involved in a sexual or incestuous relationship with a small child is so repulsive and incredible that it is inconceivable. Who are these people? Where do they come from? What is their profile?

In the May 13, 1984, Dallas Times Herald, an article by Joan Sweeney asks the question: “Have you hugged your kids today? If not, a molester will.” The article reveals that

most molesters have very low self-esteem and self-confidence, poor control of their impulses, shallow relationships, and no long-term, gratifying romantic involvements. Many are loners. A majority of the people we see have abused substances, alcohol or other drugs, have had negative experiences with females, humiliating dating experiences or marriages. Some have sexual dysfunction with adult partners. Sex abusers often come from unstable families, lacked consistent fair discipline and love and were abused or neglected as children.

They can be young or old, male or female.

“The average child molester does not use violent threats; he seduces the victim. The sun rises and sets with the child,” says police sergeant Joseph Polisar of Albuquerque, New Mexico. “These guys spend hours winning the love and affection of a child.” Molesters select a child who is least likely to say no. Almost always the molester will give up on the child who resists. (Parents, note that last sentence.)

“Men in that category often seek opportunities to be with children. They may look for community service or permanent jobs that deal with younger kids in positions of trust—a coach, Boy Scouts, Big Brothers, summer camp counselors,” observes Dr. Bruce Gross, acting director of the University of Southern California Institute of Psychiatry in Law, Behavioral Sciences, who has seen more than a thousand child molesters in twelve years.

“They look like the typical person in the community,” he says. “When that type prefers young girls, his opportunities to be with them are more restricted and he may search out lonely mothers as a way of gaining access to their daughters.” “Generally he believes he is sharing something good with children,” says Dr. Roland Summitt, head physician of Community Consultation Service, Harbor University, Los Angeles Medical Center. “He is teaching the child to appreciate sexuality. He feels he has given a dimension to the relationship that children are ordinarily denied with adults. He feels his mission is to give children an opportunity to experience sex.

“Whatever the reasons, however, once a man molests a child it becomes addictive,” Summitt states. “Once the taboo is broken it tends to become relentlessly progressive.”

THE MOLESTERS SEDUCE LIKE THIS

About 80 percent of all molestation victims know their attackers. “It could be your good neighbor or ‘Mr. Nice Guy.’ He’ll say to the parent, ‘Why don’t you let me help you out? These kids can stay with me for a couple of days.’ Once in the pedophile’s domain the child is seduced with candy and toys, trips to parks or movie theaters. As the child becomes more comfortable, ‘Mr. Nice Guy’ may try some tickling, some wrestling, followed perhaps by some ‘innocent’ fondling. The pornography is the next step in the seduction process. It serves as validation material to lower the youngsters’ inhibitions,” says Kenneth Lanning of the FBI. (Yes, four- and five-year-olds do experience “arousal” from pornography.)

“The molester most often begins with photos that are called ‘mere nudes.’ Pictures of smiling, nude children in nonsexual poses. Mere nudes can include homemade snapshots of previous victims, nudist colony magazines, sex education textbooks, and books such as Show Me touted as an educational sex manual for children. That’s like their bible,” says New York Postal Inspector Daniel L. Hihelko.

“All kids are curious,” he explains. “They’ll ask, ‘How come these kids are naked?’ So there’s this person whom the child trusts explaining, ‘Would I do something wrong? These kids are having a good time. You’re as beautiful as they are. Would you like me to take some pictures of you?’” The more children get involved, the harder it is for them to escape, experts say. Still some try. That’s when blackmail is often used. When pictures are taken, the pedophile will threaten to show them to the victim’s parents.

Sexual abuse of the young has reached epidemic proportions. What can we do?

REMEMBER OUR GOAL

As I’ve indicated repeatedly in this book, we’re seeking to raise positive kids who will, in turn, raise positive kids. If moral values are taught from the beginning and a solid bonding occurs between parents and children, husbands and fathers will build winning rela tionships at home and won’t have the inclination to turn to either prostitutes or other women, and wives and mothers will develop normal, fulfilling relationships with husbands and children.

If you are a parent concerned about the safety and welfare of your child and want to do everything possible to protect him or her from child molesters, I strongly encourage you to get involved in the moral climate of America today. Unfortunately, you can be a sound, ethical, moral, law-abiding citizen and still lose your child to a molester or abuser. Parents with young children must guard their children and their relationships in every sphere of life. Great care must be taken to know the people who associate with your children. Also, I strongly urge you to do three things. Number one, as a citizen, make it your business never to trade a second time with any merchant who sells pornography. Write the manager a note, or if your time and courage permit, tell him in a firm but friendly manner why you won’t be back. This includes convenience stores, drugstores, grocery stores, hotels, motels, or any other business establishment that sells the pornographic magazines facetiously labeled “adult” magazines.

The evidence is overwhelming that pornography is a causal factor in violence, child abuse, and rape. Research conducted by the Federal Bureau of Investigation involving 36 serial murderers revealed that 81 percent (29/36) reported pornography as one of their highest sexual interests, making pornography one of the most common profile characteristics of serial murderers. In 1983 Dr. William Marshall found that 86 percent of rapists admitted regular use of pornography, with 57 percent admitting actual imitation of pornography scenes in commission of sex crimes.

Number two, when you see sexually explicit and suggestive programming on television, write the sponsors of the program, assuring them you will no longer buy their products if they continue to sponsor such pornographic presentations. One letter a month by every person who reads this book would have a dramatic impact on TV programming. The sponsor knows that each person who takes the ten minutes to write represents over two hundred who do not take the time to write.

Number three, I encourage you to join the American Family Association (www.afa.net, P.O. Drawer 2440, Tupelo, MS 38803). It only costs twenty dollars per year to subscribe to their publication, and you can learn each month which programs and networks are the most offensive as well as the companies sponsoring those programs. Their efforts have been a definite factor in thousands of merchants removing pornography from their stores.

In the event you view this as “censorship,” let me remind you that we are not denying pornographers the right to publish their magazines or air their TV shows. We are denying them our money to pay for their programs on TV. Not only is this procedure clearly within our rights, but it definitely comes under the heading of our responsibility. After all, the child, wife, sister, or mother you save from sexual molestation or rape might be yours.

SEXUAL INVOLVEMENT IS A NO-NO

Sexual harassment on the job is a real, and growing, problem. Fortunately, there have been enough laws passed and enough precedents set so that if the harassment becomes too severe, legal relief can be sought. Obviously, though, this eliminates that job as far as your son and daughter are concerned, so handling the problem—short of legal procedure—is the most desirable option. With this in mind, let’s take a look at what happens and how we can prepare our kids to handle unwanted and uninvited sexual attention when they enter the marketplace.

Sometimes harassment comes across as subtle, loving, and gentle (the most dangerous kind). On other occasions it is crude, vulgar, and continuous. In all cases it must be dealt with, and our children must be prepared for and warned about it. In many instances young (and not-so-young) girls (and boys) are subjected to this sexual harassment by their fellow workers, supervisors, or bosses, in the business, military, industrial, school, and even church worlds. If there has ever been a situation in which young girls need to have their antennas all the way up, their intuition working full force, their answers ready, and their resolve firmly fixed, it’s in this area.

Teaching children about this problem should begin as early as the time when your daughter starts talking about her first job, perhaps as a baby-sitter. On her baby-sitting assignments, Mom and Dad definitely need to know the circumstances and people involved.

SOME SPECIFICS

The following tips may be helpful to share with your daughter:

1. When you baby-sit, if someone comes to the home (unless you know him and the people for whom you are sitting have told you he is coming by), you must not let him in the house unless you call us for permission to do so. The individual will probably get mad, but he’ll get over that, and remember, you are responsible for the child as well as yourself.

2. During the evening, if anyone says or does anything that makes you uncomfortable, you are to let us know exactly what was said and what was done.

In most cases, parents, you should gently probe the events of the evening when your daughter comes home from a baby-sitting assignment. This can be excellent preparation for your daughter’s entrance into the regular business community at a later date. You need to carefully instruct her that if any male member of the house—whether an older brother, husband, uncle, or a visiting neighbor—says anything of a suggestive nature or playfully hugs her, you are to be told about it immediately. If the person picking her up or taking her home wants her to sit closer or if he tries to put his hands on her or put his arms around her, she is to tell him that makes her uncomfortable, and then she must tell you.

FOREWARNED CAN AND SHOULD BE FOREARMED.

If there’s any evidence, however slight, of inappropriate behavior toward your daughter, she should not be allowed to have another baby-sitting assignment with that family.

SOME MEN ARE QUITE DEVIOUS

Entrance into the regular job market is a different matter. Your daughter will be at least sixteen years old, and you can, therefore, talk with her even more openly. By that age she will be more tuned in to her own sexuality and the possibilities that take place in the business world. However, a sixteen-year-old girl is no match for a twenty-one-year- old man and certainly not for a thirty-five- or a fifty-five-year-old.

Many times these older guys take a “fatherly” approach and use it as an excuse for the liberties they take and the requests they make. Some of their comments and their attempts at friendship may be parts of this ploy too. Typically, one of these men will use a thousand and one “innocent” and “casual” gestures to put his hands on your daughter. A handshake that is three seconds too long. The casual “excuse me” as he “innocently” nudges her or puts his arm around her as he gets off the crowded elevator, walks around her in a narrow hallway, eases past her in the stockroom, encourages her to “have a seat” so he can talk with her a minute, helps her slip on a coat, or numerous other little things to establish a personal relationship.

I certainly don’t want to make you or your daughter paranoid about this, but forewarned can and should be forearmed.

Flattery and attention are the prime weapons in the seducer’s arsenal. Many young girls are simply not equipped to levelheadedly handle a steady barrage of “You are really an attractive girl,” “That’s a beautiful dress,” “I’ll bet your dad has a baseball bat to keep the boys away from you,” “That perfume is absolutely devastating! Aren’t you afraid of what might happen when you wear it?” “Please don’t be offended, but you could easily go to work for the sweater industry.”

This kind of attention, along with the natural concern for her job and “getting along,” can seriously impair a young girl’s thinking and affect her job performance. (Although our young daughters are far more at risk, I hasten to add that young boys are more and more becoming targets for aggressive females, male homosexuals, and older women. They need to be warned of the dangers and taught how to avoid those destructive, entangling relationships.)

At this point, to be fair I must remind you of the obvious. Men in most places are fine, decent, and honorable. They have an interest in your daughter because they work with her as a member of the team and they want to know her as an individual. For your daughter to be unfriendly and suspicious of everyone would be unrealistic and unfortunate. Frankly, the line is sometimes pretty thin between friendliness and familiarity. The best training for being able to distinguish between the two is her relationship with her father. This truly underscores the importance of Dad’s displaying natural parental affection for his daughter and his paying her sincere compliments all of her life.

CAREFUL, DAUGHTER

All of this is to say that you should caution your daughter to use care and discretion in her involvements on the job. That does not mean she is to be aloof or unfriendly. It does mean she shouldn’t get personally or sexually involved with men who will destroy her values and dramatically affect her life negatively. It also means your daughter should avoid—like the plague—those office flirtations, especially with married men, that often lead to heartbreak and disaster.

With this in mind, you need to have a serious talk with your daughter and caution her that she must be very careful to avoid even inadvertently giving a come-on to any of the men around the office. The eyes are the key, and, Mom, that’s where you can be helpful. Remind your daughter that if she is not careful, she can do a considerable amount of flirting with a glance of her eyes. Also, be sure to carefully supervise the way she dresses. A skirt that is too tight or too short is an invitation to trouble. A sweater that is too tight or a blouse that is cut too low or can be seen through is neither businesslike nor appropriate.

Fathers should explain to their daughters that men are sight-oriented, and some of them can rationalize anything. They often have vivid imaginations that permit them to blame the girl for their amorous advances because she was “asking for it.” You must keep in mind that there are a lot of guys out there waiting for your daughter. Tell your daughter that seductive behavior and clothing are not appropriate at any time but especially not at the office. That’s baiting the hook with the kind of bait that attracts dangerous scavengers. A pragmatic father can give his daughter many invaluable insights into the male psyche.

BE PREPARED

One thing your daughter needs to make crystal clear is that it is a very serious matter when an employer or a fellow worker insults her moral character. It is not to be handled lightly or frivolously. Controlled anger is the key. Obviously, a young girl just starting her work career won’t have an easy time doing this. That’s the reason it is so important that you give your daughter advance warning and as much preparation as possible. You also need to assure her that you support her completely in her desire to avoid sexual advances at the office. If your daughter is unable to stymie the boss’s advances with that first rebuttal—and in many cases that will be the situation—the second one should be even more firm.

NO JOB IS WORTH RISKING THE SEXUAL ABUSE OR MORAL COMPROMISE OF YOUR DAUGHTER.

Another alternative might be to add anger as she tells the boss that she’s shocked and can’t believe he would do such a thing. If the man is old enough to be her father, she might be able to discourage him by telling him that if he were a little younger, he would remind her of her dad.

Admittedly, all these approaches are difficult because everyone is anxious to do a good job, especially on that first job, in order to build a persuasive résumé for the future. That is the precise reason these morally bankrupt men take the liberties they do with young girls. Part of this come-on is to tell the girls that in the “business world,” if they expect to “get along,” they must “go along.” That’s despicable and untrue.

To compound the problem is the fact that jobs might be scarce in her area, and she may be working at the only one available. To be subjected to sexual harassment, therefore, is particularly frustrating. In that event the girl should make it clear that if the harassment continues, she’s going to take legal action; and if she is fired as a result of that statement, she will do exactly that. I recognize how tough it will be for a young girl to say most of these things to an older man or to her employer. However, whatever the conditions, Mom and Dad need to be carefully tuned in to all the circumstances, because no job is worth risking the sexual abuse or moral compromise of your daughter.

IF YOU ARE A VICTIM OF SEXUAL ABUSE

Finally, I want to write a few words of guidance on that taboo topic—incest. Of all the problems we face in America, incest has got to be at or near the top of the real tragedies. All of us need to recognize the severity of the problem, face the fact that it could happen to our kids, and begin to face the issue in public forum.

In 1984 I started sharing with audiences around the world the ever-increasing incidence of incest and the devastating impact it has on the people involved. In my speaking career, which spans forty-five years, I have never touched on a subject that has produced such a response as this one. I’ve received telegrams, phone calls, personal visits, and letters encouraging me to continue to speak out on the subject. Why? For one reason—there are so many adults who have been closet-victims, afraid to identify themselves, hurting but unable to get help, or not knowing that help is available.

In countless instances after I have covered this subject, a seminar participant has come to me, shaken my hand, looked me in the eye and, with an emotion-filled voice, simply said, “Thank you.” Nothing was said in most cases, but I knew, as surely as I know my name, that there was a victim. When I address small groups and can see the face and the eyes of each person, I can, with reasonable certainty, pick out those who have been victimized as children.

I want to mention two specific instances that occurred several years ago. In Chicago, six women attended the seminar together. On their way home that evening they discovered that three of them had been victims of incest when they were children. This was the first time any of the three had told anyone about being a victim. Each confessed she felt a new burst of hope, combined with an enormous sense of relief and a relieving of guilt, which gave her a tremendous sense of healing.

On another occasion I addressed the subject in a church. One woman who knew me well confessed she was shocked that I brought up such a subject in the church presentation. That evening while having dinner with her husband, she expressed her surprise and said it seemed out of place because in a setting like that there would be few, if any, victims. Things got awfully quiet after her statement; then her husband confessed that when he was six years old, a neighbor had molested him, and this was the first time he had shared that information with anyone.

I’m not naïve enough to believe that recognizing the problem will solve it, but I’m realistic enough to know that if a problem exists, it will never be solved until it is acknowledged and addressed. I am now convinced that these and countless other people will be willing to come forth, acknowledge their problem, and seek the help that is available. That certainly is my hope for you if you have been a victim, because your effectiveness as a parent could be affected by that long-ago incident or series of incidents.

YOU MUST TAKE ACTION—NOW

Along these same lines, if your spouse is sexually abusing your child and you know it but have never been willing to admit it, you have the strongest possible moral obligation to face that issue immediately and decisively. Surely the protection of a helpless child is of paramount importance in anyone’s life. If you fear for your own safety, I plead with you to call for help. The court systems, as well as your minister or an attorney, can give you the advice you need to protect your own life and to prevent the further destruction of your child’s life. You’re dealing with a person with a sick mind who is going to continue to abuse your child unless you take action. It is in his best interests as well as in the child’s best interests. Realistically, if this is your situation, you do not have a “family” at this stage of the game. With help there’s always the chance that you can have that family. I encourage you—take action and do it now.

If you are the one guilty of child abuse, spouse abuse, or sexual crimes toward others but most especially toward children, I want to say this and communicate it with as much love and gentleness as I possibly can. At the same time I want to be as forceful, dogmatic, and persuasive on your behalf as is possible.

In plain, simple language you are a sick, miserable human being. Not only are you destroying the life of the child whom you are permanently scarring, but you are also doing enormous damage to yourself. I encourage you to immediately seek professional help. Chances are a thousand to one that you know you are wrong; you’ve faithfully promised yourself you’re going to stop it; chances are that you’ve made an honest effort to stop, but just as you cannot remove your own tonsils or appendix, neither can you heal yourself in most cases of this terrible, terrible sickness you have.

I encourage you to finish this paragraph, then go to the telephone and call for help. There are any number of sources of help, and many of them are free. Your county mental health association, for one, will have someone who can work with you. Ideally, a Christian psychiatrist or psychologist is the one you should see, but you desperately need help and you need it now. Do it before you further destroy the lives of those whom you profess to love. If you really do love them, you will get that help now. Otherwise, you will continue to be a miserable, destructive human being. Remember, there is a God. He loves you and wants to help you. He can and will do exactly that, but He often helps through trained counselors. Find one.

Parents, make sure your children are protected. Keep informed and involved, and give your kids a solid moral foundation.

PERSONAL EVALUATION

1. What are some of the characteristics displayed by a sexually abused child?

2. How can you as mothers and fathers better work together to protect your children from child molesters?

3. Who are the most common offenders among child molesters?

4. If you have a daughter, what specific tips can you share with her to protect her in the job market?

5. As a parent, you may be the secret victim of child abuse. Would it help you to share that information with someone? Your spouse? Your minister? A professional therapist? What does this chapter recommend doing?

THIRTEEN

Forgiveness—The Ultimate “Positive” in Life

Since we dealt with sexual abuse in considerable detail in the last chapter, we need to look carefully at what will be the ultimate solution for you if you have been a victim. Since there is no way you can feel good about yourself in sufficient measure to successfully parent your children if you bear deep emotional hurts that have trapped and stymied you psychologically over the years, what’s the solution for you?

Forgiveness! Surely the most important, difficult, and dangerous act in life is that of forgiveness. The Bible is clear on the subject: “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matt. 6:14–15).

Forgiveness gives you a clear path to the love and power of your heavenly Father, and it clears the air and opens the communications door to the person who has abused or offended you. If there is hatred, resentment, or bitterness between you and a relative or former friend or between you and your abuser (I’m assuming you are now an adult), you can completely free yourself only through forgiveness. Read on.

Several years ago I received a lengthy Christmas greeting from a man who was bothered with a problem. In his letter he stated that when he and I “had our two serious altercations,” he had been completely convinced I was 100 percent wrong. Now he was writ ing that over the years, he had come to realize that he was the one who was wrong. He stated that he wanted to clear the air and set the record straight so he could go on with his life. He asked forgiveness, acknowledged the error of his ways, and signed his name. Unfortunately, he did not give his address. How badly I wish he had; because if my life depended upon it, I cannot recall either the man or the incidents he wrote about. Yet, these incidents were obviously important in his life. I’m delighted he wrote the letter, because now he is free.

If I were to single out one thing from this entire book that I believe will enable you to do more with and for your children and your career while giving you peace of mind and helping you enjoy life more, it would be this: Seek out the people in life you feel have wronged you. Ask each individual to forgive you for what you might have done to him. Then assure each one that you certainly have forgiven him. I might say in advance that this is perhaps the most difficult thing you will ever undertake. I also say it is the most important single thing as well as one of the most dangerous things (I’ll explain why it’s dangerous in a couple of pages) you will ever do.

A TOUGH ONE TO FORGIVE

When I speak to general audiences, I say, “You need to forgive those who have hurt, offended, or damaged you in your lifetime regardless of the offense.” Of course, the list of offenses could be mind-boggling—abandonment, theft of goods, infidelity, defamation of character, and on and on. Statistics indicate that incest and other forms of child abuse would show up on such a list for many people.

Thousands of adults bear deep scars from wounds inflicted on them in childhood. There’s a great need for inner healing. In my experience in dealing with victims of incest or sexual abuse, regardless of whether the incident took place fairly recently or forty years ago, I have never talked with anyone who did not weep bitter tears of remorse, anger, hurt, and frustration.

FORGIVE YOURSELF

If you are a victim, regardless of the crime perpetrated on you, you need to learn how to forgive. More specifically, if you are an incest victim, I encourage you to do two things. First, and by far the most important, you must forgive yourself. As a child you did nothing to encourage it, and you could have done absolutely nothing to prevent this most horrible of all forms of child abuse. You were an innocent victim. (Some experts say as many as 34 percent of women and 11 percent of men are victims.) Forgive yourself. If you have any feelings of guilt, they can, in virtually every case, be traced directly to the seeds planted in your mind by the perpetrator of the crime.

YOU NEED TO FORGIVE . . . REGARDLESS OF THE OFFENSE.

FORGIVE THE OTHER PERSON

The second thing you need to do is to forgive the person who victimized you. This is a tough, tough thing to do, but it is a must if you are to be free to be the best you and the best possible parent. If you find it impossible to forgive yourself and the person who victimized you, I encourage you to seek professional help to resolve the problem.

Both steps of forgiveness are tough and dangerous to take. The reason they are tough is obvious—your emotional involvement and the fact that you probably feel the offender should be seeking forgiveness from you. But let me remind you that in the eyes of the other person, you are probably at least partially to blame for whatever happened.

They are dangerous because when you forgive the abusive relative, the abusive spouse, the trusted “friend” of the family, or whoever the offender may be, you are saying, “I now accept full responsibility for my future, my behavior, and for my success or failure. I no longer blame you for the fact that I’m not doing well, that I’m broke, drinking too much, on drugs,” or whatever your particular problem happens to be. When you accept this responsibility for your own behavior, and subsequently your own success, you have taken your biggest step toward freedom, individual growth, and personal success.

You might also accomplish two other worthwhile objectives. First, your forgiveness could well enable the other person to face other victims (if any). Thus you will have freed one other person (or more) to reach his full potential. Second, you will be protecting your own child or children. A high percentage of child abusers and perpetrators of incest were victims themselves. As much as the victim hated the act of being victimized, it nevertheless made the strongest possible impression on his mind, and his chances of doing the same thing to his child are frighteningly high.

Forgiveness is wisdom in action. Think about it. The one who wronged you negatively impacted your past and is at least partially controlling and negatively impacting you in your present life and activities. Surely you are not going to voluntarily give that person permission to negatively impact your future?

Yes, forgiveness is practical, psychologically sound, and important to your physical and mental well-being. In my own life a classic example occurred some twenty years ago. I had a serious disagreement with a close friend over a substantial sum of money. We both thought we were right. When collection efforts failed, I filed a lawsuit that was my “legal right.”

In retrospect, I made a serious error since I did not try hard enough to resolve the matter outside the courtroom. Also, I exercised extremely poor judgment and a lack of compassion by telling mutual friends about how my friend had wronged me grievously, especially since the delay in getting my money had nearly forced me to sell our home. It was a bitter pill. The matter was finally settled out of court to our mutual satisfaction and advantage. Needless to say, however, scars remained because the hurt had been so deep.

BOTH STEPS OF FORGIVENESS ARE TOUGH AND DANGEROUS TO TAKE.

A couple of years later, God turned my life around. He became real to me, and I was born again. For the next several months it seemed that every time I opened my Bible, it fell to the spot that clearly told me that if I did not forgive others, my heavenly Father would not forgive me. I was still hurt, resentful, and bitter toward my friend-turned-enemy. However, as I strengthened my walk with the Lord and pursued His work, encountering those forgiveness verses finally caused me to take action.

Figuring that everyone would be in a forgiving mood on Christmas Day, I finally called my former friend. We had a pleasant visit, and I acknowledged the error of my ways and asked him to forgive me for the things I had said and done. He cheerfully accepted my apologies and forgave me for what I had done and the healing started almost immediately.

Since that Christmas Day the relationship between my friend and me has grown steadily. Today he is one of my closest friends and trusted advisers, and he has been enormously helpful to me on numerous occasions.

In fact, a few months after that Christmas phone call, based on his recommendation I secured a series of speaking engagements with a major corporation that would pay a considerable amount of money. Further, officials of the corporation asked if they could pay me in advance for the entire series so that they might include the fees in their present budget, rather than in the next year’s. That was the only time in my speaking career when any company volunteered to pay me in advance. That payment saved me a tremendous amount of stress and difficulty, because I was operating on a shoestring and having a difficult time financially.

It’s important for you to understand that if you seek forgiveness for selfish reasons or for what you expect to gain, then it becomes a sham and a farce. My benefits were enormous, but they came as a result of obeying God and learning to forgive.

If you have a real or an imagined difficulty with a friend or a loved one, regardless of the harm or damage inflicted upon you, I urge you to forgive that person and ask him or her to forgive you for anything you might possibly have done. It’s the best possible thing you can do for both parties. Not only does it clear the relationship between you and God, but it also opens the door for healing and reconciliation with the offender.

PERSONAL EVALUATION

1. Is seeking forgiveness a principle practiced in your family? If it isn’t, what steps can you take to make it so?

2. Why can seeking to forgive others be dangerous?

3. Seeking to forgive others can offer major benefits. What are they?

4. Is there someone you need to forgive now? Your child? Your spouse? What is stopping you from doing this?

5. Not only does forgiveness clear the relationship between you and the person who has offended you, it also opens the door for ________ and ____________________.

FOURTEEN

Discipline—The Key to a Positive Kid’s Greatness

Discipline: “training or experience that corrects,

molds, strengthens, or perfects”

A TRULY HANDICAPPED CHILD Handicapped

Handicapped children come in many forms. For example, Freddie is a seriously handicapped child. I met him a number of years ago when I was in a home in South Carolina making a call on his family to sell a set of cookware. Just looking at him, you would seriously question my observation that he is handicapped. He was a precocious nine-year-old with beautiful blond hair and blue eyes. He was a little large for his age, and his dad said he was a “natural athlete.” He made good grades in school and gave every indication of being a bright student. Yet I can honestly say he was one of the most handicapped youngsters I’ve ever met. He was handicapped behaviorally.

Freddie was rude, thoughtless, selfish, demanding, and inconsiderate, and he had a temper he used to manipulate and intimidate his family. At school he was not popular with his teachers or his classmates. When his parents visited friends, he was not exactly welcome because he took over and got the lion’s share of whatever the host and hostess offered in the form of refreshments. He took the kids’ toys and demanded to have his own way in everything. Later on in life when Freddie goes out to get a job, he’s probably going to be faced with the same basic rejection he gets now when he goes places.

However, it’s not Freddie’s fault. He is simply doing exactly what he’s been taught to do. His parents have indulged and spoiled him, maintaining they love him so much they just can’t say no to him. By not saying no to his whims, demands, temper, boorishness, selfishness, and thoughtlessness, they’re forcing the business, academic, and social communities to say no to the son they seldom said no to as he was growing up. How tragic, especially since Freddie, like all kids, really wanted to be loved enough to be disciplined.

I believe it is human nature for all of us from time to time to resist authority. At each stage of a child’s life, he is going to take those steps of resistance. As a parent interested in raising a positive child, you need to understand that his resistance or rebellion does not mean he wants to win or that he wants you to surrender to him. He is simply testing you. What he wants is reassurance that you are firm and strong but still loving. He needs and must have boundaries within which he can operate and a loving authority to whom he can go with the confidence he’s going to get the direction necessary to succeed in life.

SECURITY THROUGH DISCIPLINE

If you won’t let your child open his mouth one day, but permit him to get away with murder the next day by talking back and being “sassy,” you create incredible inner turmoil and problems for him. Dr. Bruno Bettelheim, the world-famous psychologist from the University of Chicago, says that any time a parent permits a child to talk back or put the parent down, to belittle or degrade him, serious damage is done to the child. The child’s security is wrapped up in a parent he can trust and look to for strength and guidance. When the child belittles or degrades the parent, the child has no one to look up to. Consequently he loses his security.

One of the saddest things about over-permissiveness, when a parent lets a child “run loose” and do everything he wants to, is that it sets up expectancy in the child’s mind that others should and will treat him the same way. That is both unreasonable and unrealistic. When an overindulged child visits or goes to play in other homes, and especially when he gets into school, as we would say down home, he is going to have a “long row to hoe.”

This is certainly poor preparation for survival in our world today. Over the long haul, this leads to serious problems for both child and parents because many of the parents’ best friends will not welcome the intrusion into their home of a little monster (as they see him) who is destructive, selfish, bad mannered, and ill-tempered, and who abuses their own children. This causes the undisciplined one to feel rejected and certainly damages his ego and self-acceptance.

Discipline and order are part of the natural laws of the universe. The child who has not been disciplined with love by his little world (the family) will be disciplined, generally without love, by the big world.

PARENTS—NOT BUDDIES—BADLY NEEDED

Some parents work hard at becoming their children’s “buddies,” permitting the children to call them by their first names and treating the children as equals. In reality, there is nothing equal about a five-year- old and a thirty-year-old.

The obvious question is: If you become a pal to your child, when the need arises for you to discipline, instruct, or require certain conduct and performance from your child, why should he obey a pal’s orders? After all, you’re equal. At least that’s the view you’ve created in his mind by becoming his buddy instead of his mom or dad—the one he can look to for protection, counsel, guidance, and loving discipline.

WHAT IS DISCIPLINE?

Discipline is teaching a child the way he should go. Discipline, therefore, includes everything you do to help your child learn. Unfortunately, it’s one of the most misunderstood words in the English language. Most people generally think of it as punishment or as something unpleasant. We need to understand that discipline is something you do for a child. Punishment is something you do to a child when discipline fails. Both Greek and Hebrew words denoting discipline include the meaning of chastening, correction, rebuke, upbringing, training, instruction, education, and reproof. The purpose of discipline is positive—to produce a whole person, free from the faults and handicaps that hinder maximum development.

One of the synonyms for discipline is education. The word discipline comes from disciple, one who is “a follower of a teacher.” A disciple should not follow his teacher out of fear or punishment, but out of love or conviction. Certainly, positive, loving parents will want their children to follow them and their rules because they love and trust them, rather than because they fear them.

The reality is that whether you do or don’t discipline your child, you educate him to a particular set of values. Realistically, if you don’t administer loving but fair discipline to the child, you can be certain society sooner or later will, but not always in a loving, fair manner. The University of Illinois Extension Family Works series, Strategies for Building Stronger Families, makes some good points about not withholding discipline. They emphasize that though teenagers want to establish independence and make their own decisions, they are apt to feel hurt if parents don’t show any interest in what they are thinking and doing. Although they may not express it, teens want and require reasonable limits in their lives. Maybe these young people instinctively know that in the real world they will be entering (where the report card is a paycheck), they are going to need all the knowledge, confidence, and discipline they can get. They know that winners are not developed on feather beds.

THE CHILD WHO HAS NOT BEEN DISCIPLINED WITH LOVE BY HIS LITTLE WORLD WILL BE DISCIPLINED, GENERALLY WITHOUT LOVE, BY THE BIG WORLD.

DISCIPLINE—WANTED,

NEEDED, AND DEMANDED

I love this thought: “No man ever became great doing as he pleased.” Little men do as they please; great men submit themselves to the laws governing the realm of their greatness.

When you teach a child discipline, you are giving him one of the most important tools for his future success and happiness. Children seem to instinctively know this. For example, in families where there is a divorce and the child is given a choice of which parent to live with, he almost always chooses the parent who is the disciplinarian—the one who has been the most firm and demanding of him. The child knows that real discipline is an expression of love and is in his long-range best interests.

The disciplined person is the one who does what needs to be done when it needs to be done so that the day will come when he can do the things he wants to do when he wants to do them. He is a practical pragmatist who does the things necessary and not just the things he wants to do. Show me someone who has accomplished anything of any significance, and I will show you a disciplined person.

NONE OF THEM ARE HAPPY

One summer when the Redhead and I were in Colorado on a “working vacation,” we happened to see a well-known interviewer and commentator on TV. At that time this person undoubtedly knew more celebrities in Hollywood than anyone else. The discussion was about the death of comedian Freddie Prinz, whom some of you will undoubtedly remember. Freddie had just taken his own life, and the commentator was asked, “Do you know of any other superstar in athletics, music, entertainment, the television industry, or movies who might also be in danger of either deliberately or accidentally taking his own life?” After a moment’s reflection, she answered with one of the saddest statements I’ve ever heard, “I don’t know of anyone who is famous and in these fields who is not in danger of either deliberately or accidentally taking his own life, because I don’t know a single one who is happy.”

That’s tragic, isn’t it? In most cases these people have more money than they can use, often spending more on a wardrobe in a month than the average person will spend in a span of years. Private jets take them anywhere they want to go; they receive an enormous amount of publicity; many of them have so much charisma they have to hire bodyguards to keep members of the opposite sex away from them. They’re idolized and eulogized on a daily basis, and yet not a single one is happy. It becomes more evident every day that what you have is not going to make you happy—it’s what you are. That’s why in Raising Positive Kids I stress repeatedly that the qualities of life you teach your children are far more important than the “things” you give them.

SOME PRACTICAL TIPS FOR PARENTS

Mrs. Johnson came into young Billy’s room to

find him bandaging his thumb.

“What happened?” she asked.

“I hit it with a hammer.”

“But I didn’t hear you cry.”

“I thought you were out.”

—A.H. BERZEN

This little “funny” from a 1984 Saturday Evening Post issue is so true of life. To raise a positive kid, parents and grandparents need to ignore the child occasionally. I’m comfortable with the statement that virtually all parents have observed that when little Johnny or Mary falls, if Mom and Dad rush forward to pick him or her up, extend all sorts of sympathy, offer reassurances that everything’s all right, and kiss away the hurt, they establish a pattern. Every time little Johnny and little Mary “stub their toe,” they will cry, demanding the attention they have been taught they deserve, and Mom and Dad are on their way to raising a crybaby who will be dependent on them far too long.

Don’t misunderstand. If your child falls and really is hurt, then obviously he needs your attention. But with our four, I can tell you their mother and I have seen them on many occasions “hurt” themselves. As we watched from the corners of our eyes, it was obvious that their reaction—crying and demanding attention or going on about their business—was entirely dependent upon whether or not we rushed forward to kiss away their hurts. I’ll admit that after our first one, we became a little more discerning with the other three.

One little technique we developed was to watch the immediate reaction of our little girl. If she couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry, we would say, “Come over here and I’ll pick you up.” If she got up and came to us, we were comfortable she was going to survive.

On one memorable occasion when granddaughter “Sunshine” was four years old, she was crying about some imagined physical or emotional hurt. I took a very large mixing bowl from the cabinet and told her that her tears were far too valuable to lose and she must put all of them in the mixing bowl so we could sell them for a lot of money. We both got tickled, so that ended the tear-collection process.

Another event that begs to be ignored is the childhood squabble. When your child and another child get involved in one of the 28,211 squabbles they’re going to have, you should usually maintain a discreet distance, assuming they are of roughly the same age and size. I’m not talking about permitting your child to injure or mutilate another, nor am I talking about permitting your child to be injured. I’m simply saying that when two four-year-olds have their differences about playing with a toy or being first in the sandbox, they are inevitably going to have countless little altercations. If parents get involved, the incidents are blown out of proportion, and the kids may stop playing together. Both of them, as well as their parents, lose as a result.

You might well ask, “How can you tell when to pick your child up when he falls?” or “How can you tell when is the time to intercede in childhood squabbles?” Those are questions no book can answer for you. You have to rely on that plain common sense and instinctive judgment God gives you as parents. Obviously, as you and the kids get older, you will become more adept at making the decisions that are best for you and your child.

DON’T BE A “UPAS TREE” PARENT

Though the advantages and benefits of moms staying home to raise the children have been dealt with at length, I want to emphasize that moms need to teach the children to be self-sufficient and not completely dependent on their parents. The worst possible mistake parents can make is to devote all of their time, attention, and energy to the children. That’s what “upas tree” parents do. Let me explain.

The upas tree grows in Indonesia. It secretes poison and grows so full and thick that it kills all vegetation growing beneath it. It shelters, shades, and destroys. “Upas tree” parents smother their children, and although they don’t actually choke off life itself, they effectively hinder growth and keep their children “babies” all their lives. Here’s an example of how to be a upas tree parent.

Because of space limitations and because of their desire to be available to take care of the new baby, many young parents place the crib in their bedroom. Also, some couples make the mistake of starting to put their babies in bed with them “for the night.” Both actions are unnecessary unless the baby is sick or extremely fretful and the mother feels the baby needs the comfort and reassurance of her presence. Among other things, there is always the danger that Mom or Dad will roll over and injure the baby. Whether anything happens physically or not, if this situation continues it will destroy the normal lifestyle and relationship between husband and wife. (P.S.: I’m not talking about the small child getting up in the early morning hours and occasionally sneaking into bed with Mom and Dad for some extra snuggling and hugging.)

Of considerable significance is the fact that the child will grow accustomed to sleeping with the parents and will soon be unable or unwilling to sleep anywhere else. When this happens, you, your child, and your marriage are facing a rocky road ahead, which means the little one has to get out of your bed and bedroom.

It is true that your child might not sleep as well the first night he is alone, but it is also true that by the fourth or fifth night he will sleep pretty well. And you will sleep much better, which will make you better parents.

START THE TEACHING PROCESS EARLY

Start teaching your children to do things at an early age, provided, of course, there is no physical danger involved, such as using a knife, a power lawn mower, or some other potentially harmful tool. But things like sweeping the floor, taking out the trash, making the bed, and so on are appropriate activities for youngsters.

Frankly, it would be much simpler for you to go ahead and do those things. You can do them so much better and faster, and actu- ally with less effort than it takes to spend some time persuading and teaching the child how to do them. The problem is that a four-year-old is often unaware of his limitations, and at that stage of the game he believes he can do just about anything and is anxious to give it a shot. When you put the child aside and say, “Here, let Dad or Mom do it,” you are sending a message.

The message is, “You can’t do it very well, but Dad or Mom can.” You will probably need some time to convince him of it, but by the time the child is nine or ten years old, you will have totally convinced him that you are much better at doing everything than he is. As a result, the child not only will “let” you do everything but also will obstinately refuse to help you around the house. Either that or he will do it so grudgingly that you come to the conclusion that you were right all the time. Of course, you will send a child into the world both unprepared and unwilling to tackle anything difficult or distasteful.

You raise positive kids by teaching and requiring them early on to do the little things around the house. Step-by-step, they naturally progress into accepting more and more responsibility until the happy day arrives when they will be able to do many things better than either parent. That’s when you will know that discipline pays.

DOUBLE-BARRELED BURDEN

“It hurts me worse than it hurts you!” That statement has been handed down through the generations. No doubt many a kid has heard that and wondered to himself, Oh yeah? Well, why don’t we just trade places for awhile! When they’re on the receiving end of such consolation, you can bet that kids aren’t feeling sorry for their parents, but it is one of the toughest parts of parenting. I call that dilemma the “Double-Barreled Burden.” It’s like a double-barreled gun that shoots in both directions. You’ve got to think about it before you start shooting.

The way you reprimand your kids is a very sensitive aspect of parenting, because the method you use will have an effect on their esteem. You should reprimand and criticize the action, not the person who committed the action. When you have an understanding with your kids, they know what’s expected of them. If they don’t do what’s expected and agreed upon, they expect, even demand, a reprimand. Not to follow through is to weaken and negate the possibility of future effective follow-through in regard to your other requirements. When kids do something wrong and get by with it, they feel guilty. The only way to relieve that guilt and to reinforce your authority and your rules is to effectively deal with the problem.

SHOULD YOU ACTUALLY SPANK THEM?

Speaking on parental discipline, Billy Graham once told of the time his two-year-old son spat at him in a fit of anger. He said, “I don’t know where he learned such an ugly habit, but one thing I know for certain: If that boy chews tobacco when he grows up, he’ll swallow the juice. After what I did to him, he’ll never spit again.”

Question: Is physical discipline (spanking) necessary?

Answer: Yes, it is, for several reasons. Primarily, children between the ages of about two and twelve live out a decade in life when they lack the maturity to listen to, understand, and responsibly follow their parents’ instruction. Part of the fabric of humanity is a matter of individual will. Kids come into the world, into the family, and into society without any controls on that will. One of the most significant aspects of maturity is learning to be self-controlled or self-disciplined. A young child simply will not have this kind of maturity. Discipline literally means “to train,” and youngsters need a lot of training; most of it should be of a verbal or spoken nature, but some of it will have to be of a firm, physical nature.

As a rule of thumb, when your child is “willfully disobedient” toward you, that’s when physical action is necessary. It could be the swiftest, surest way to get your message across. If a kid continues approaching something of danger after several verbal warnings about the danger—playing in the street, standing on chairs or on top of kitchen counters, climbing on the roof of the house, playing with matches or with household appliances—then it is imperative that you react swiftly. A little heat on the bottom should instantly communicate what you mean.

Kids will “ask for it,” but they don’t always understand what they are asking for. It might take a few instances of willful disobedience, followed by instant corrective action, before they understand and follow your parental guidance. You must not fail to give them what they’re asking for. It is critically important that you give your kids a spanking if they challenge you. You must realize that your decision to spank will be met with protest. You must also realize that kids don’t always want what they’re asking for, but they usually need it. When we discipline our kids to do the things they need to do, they will develop the character they need to become the adults they want to be.

USE WITH CARE

When approaching corporal discipline, you must recognize first of all that spanking is only one means of discipline. It should be used with careful discretion, primarily when willful disobedience is involved. When there is a need to spank, the way you do it is also important. Never spank your child when you are angry. Kids can and will do things that will make you absolutely furious. That’s not the time to spank them.

My good friend, psychiatrist John Kozek, suggested that if you are overly angry because of your child’s disobedience and it calls for a spanking, wait a few moments to calm yourself. You need to be certain that the intensity of your discipline fits that offense and that it’s not related to the intensity of your anger. Dr. Kozek recommended that, if possible, the other parent should be present and your discipline should be followed by expressions of love with lots of hugging and holding and explanations of the reasons for the spanking. This is probably the most important thing to convey to your kids—that you love them—and because you love them and because of their disobedience, you discipline (spank) them.

Your speaking conveys a message of care, concern, and love and helps them to eliminate feelings of guilt. Psychologists will tell you that guilt is very destructive, but it is harmful only if it is not dealt with. When a child rebels or disobeys a parent, there is a feeling of guilt, and the guilt is real. The spanking will serve to remove the guilt, and as Chuck Swindoll says, the child’s tears flush out his guilt and clear his conscience.

But how often do you spank? How often is it needed? There will be periods in the growth and development of your child when you will have to spank more often than at other times. As he reaches grade school age, if proper discipline has been administered in the early years, the need to spank diminishes. That need is something for the parent to decide; no one can really judge but you.

However, let’s think about some reasonable guidelines. Until children can understand your words and can comprehend your “redirection” of their close calls with danger and difficulty (about fifteen and eighteen months of age), your maturity as an adult must prevent you from taking physical action.

BE CAREFUL HOW YOU DISCIPLINE

The “shaken-infant syndrome” is now being reported around the country. Parents, otherwise well-meaning in their behavior, have shaken their infants so severely that brain damage has resulted. Usually the parents are trying to stop their infants from crying or to punish a baby for a perceived misdeed, which most often is merely childish clumsiness. Not only are such efforts fruitless with infants, because they are too young to understand what is required of them, but the tragedy could have been averted if parents understood more about what to expect from young children. Shaking a baby is not discipline—it is abuse.

THE DISCIPLINED PERSON IS THE ONE WHO DOES WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE WHEN IT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

Infants are going to cry when they’re hungry, hot, cold, uncomfortable, wet, or sick. Toddlers are going to be clumsy. When a child spills, damages, or “destroys” something because of childish clumsiness, spanking is only confusing, because it is for the wrong reason. You don’t spank because a kid has black hair and not brown hair, or because he has freckles and not dimples. Neither do you spank because of childish, immature ways.

But what if it’s dinnertime and two-year-old Billy won’t stay in his chair? An appropriate application to the backside should do the job, especially if you leave the ruler or other spanking object in plain view of the child.

As a child approaches kindergarten and school age, he continues to need to be disciplined for his willful disobedience, but he also needs to be instructed about the motivation behind his behavior. Other means of discipline, such as restrictions and deductions of allowance and other privileges, become more effective.

That raises another important question concerning what you will use to spank your child. A very definite rule is that you use a “neutral” object such as a light ruler or yardstick rather than your hand. The main concern is that it must not be a heavy object that would cause injury. That would be a tragedy. The object used must deliver enough “warmth” to the backside that it does what it is intended to do. As the old saying goes, “No pain, no gain.”

When the need to discipline comes, it is imperative that you use not your hand but a neutral object that will not be associated with you personally. If the situation is really critical (as with a small child and immediate danger) and you must use your hand to quickly swat him a time or two to get his attention, that is fine. However, when disciplinary action is seen as necessary for repeated or serious defiance of parental direction, then a more “formal” approach, meaning privacy with the child in the home and with appropriate disciplinary action, is the course to take.

BE CAREFUL ABOUT THE WHEN AND WHERE

Another thing about the way you use corporal, “of the body,” discipline is that you never strike a child, young or old, upon the face. If you’ve ever tried to pet a “whupped dog,” a defenseless, cowering critter that was regularly slapped by his master, then you understand why slapping a child would literally destroy the spirit rather than channel and redirect the spirit and will, which is what appropriate discipline does. The interesting thing about it all is that the body is equipped with a sensitive but naturally well-padded “point of disciplinary contact.” That’s right—the backside is the place to deliver the discipline called for.

The sweet joys of family life will be wisely salted from time to time with some form of firm, corporal discipline. It is a part of the normal way of life and parenting. It is to be used sparingly, with very careful restraining, but it most certainly will be used by those seeking to raise positive kids. For years child discipline revolutionaries cried out that such things strike at the foundation of a child’s personality, called it barbaric, and felt that it would create child abusers. Fortunately, more comprehensive studies refute this misguided line of thinking and now indicate that under the guidelines we’ve identified the pluses are obvious. Just as a master’s chisel strikes to carve the rough edges off a block of stone to ultimately reveal his masterpiece, so the brief shock of corporal discipline tears at the personality of a child—tears him away from his immaturity and selfish recklessness and propels him toward the toughness and maturity needed to face a negative world and win!

A WARNING FOR ALL PARENTS

Sometimes there is a thin line between spanking and child abuse. If you ever get carried away and so completely lose control that you spank (beat) your child too hard, you must forever abandon corporal punishment as a method of disciplining your child. If his body (bottom) carries welts, bruises, cuts, or abrasions an hour later, you have overdone the punishment. This is the most important paragraph in this book.

“PERMISSIVE” VERSUS “AUTHORITARIAN”

In his book, How to Make Your Child a Winner, Dr. Victor Cline, a professor of psychology at the University of Utah in Salt Lake City, states that a major disaster occurred in a large number of American families starting in the 1950s. Called by many names, most frequently “permissiveness” and “family democracy,” it was a noble experiment based on the mistaken notion that young children are basically wise and good and perfectly able to determine their own destinies. Exerting control over your children was called “authoritarian” and “antidemocratic.” Spanking, even in love, was seen by certain “experts” as a form of child abuse. Being a good parent meant letting your kids “do their own thing.” Dr. Cline states he is in complete disagreement with almost all of those premises of the fifties. He points out that by setting reasonable limits on your child’s behavior and enforcing them, you’re helping your child establish his own inner controls over his antisocial impulses.

GOD’S DISCIPLINE PRODUCES STRENGTH, NOT WEAKNESS.

Psychologist James Dobson, the author of The Strong-Willed Child, states, “It is certain that I will make mistakes, but I cannot abandon my responsibility simply because I lack infinite wisdom and insight. Besides, I do have more experience and a better perspective on which to base decisions than my children do. I’ve been where they’re going.”

In a series of studies conducted by psychologist Stanley Coopersmith, he found children with high self-esteem have parents who run a tight ship with a clearly defined and comprehensive set of rules, zealously enforced. These findings suggest that parents who have definite values, who have a clear idea of what they regard as appropriate behavior, who make their beliefs known to their children, are more likely to rear children who value themselves highly, develop their own sense of ethics, and have greater respect and affection for their parents.

If parents don’t assume this responsibility, if they don’t set and consistently enforce reasonable limits, the child is apt to interpret this as parental indifference. This makes the child anxious and reduces his capacity to develop inner controls.

Discipline is necessary and good. You can’t raise successful children without it, but discipline should not repress or tyrannize. Discipline should lead to powerful habits of direction, work, and good judgment. Good discipline produces strength, not weakness; creativity, not banality; responsibility, not self-indulgence. It can also help shape the character out of which a capacity to love and sacrifice can emerge.

PERSONAL EVALUATION

1. This chapter uses Freddie as an example. Why?

2. Give this chapter’s definition of discipline.

3. What is a “upas tree” parent?

4. What is Zig’s position on spanking? What is the most important paragraph in this book?

5. Do you agree with the quote by psychologist James Dobson? Why?

6. Discipline should not _________ or ________. Good discipline produces _____________, not weakness; _____, not banality; ____________, not self-indulgences. Do you agree?

FIFTEEN

Positive Persistence Produces Positive Kids

“The conditions of conquest are always easy. We have but to toil awhile, endure awhile, believe always and never turn back.”

—SIMMS

YOU GOTTA HANG IN THERE

All children need to learn the story of the Chinese bamboo tree. My friend Joel Weldon, an outstanding speaker from Phoenix, Arizona, tells the story. The Chinese plant; they seed; they water and fertilize it, but the first year nothing happens. The second year they water and fertilize it, and still nothing happens. The third and fourth years they water and fertilize it, and nothing happens. The fifth year they water and fertilize it, and sometime during the course of the fifth year, in a period of approximately six weeks, the Chinese bamboo tree grows roughly ninety feet.

The question is, Did it grow ninety feet in six weeks or did it grow ninety feet in five years? The obvious answer is that it grew ninety feet in five years, because had they not applied the water and fertilizer each year there would have been no Chinese bamboo tree.

All of us have had those “Chinese bamboo tree” experiences. We might have had a difficult assignment in geometry, physics, or chemistry. We worked and could not get the answer. We worked again and no answer; again we worked and still no answer. Finally, we go to the teacher, say with a big grin, “Teacher, I’ve figured it out! The book is wrong!” The teacher looks at us, smiles, and says, “Give it one more shot.” This time when we go back, we come up with the answer. As a matter of fact, the answer, once we’ve found it, is so simple and obvious that we’re astonished we did not discover it before. I might point out that we came up with the answer not because of our intellectual brilliance but because of our persistence.

LOGIC WILL NOT CHANGE AN EMOTION, BUT ACTION WILL.

DISCIPLINE FIRST—ENJOYMENT LATER

For twenty-four years, by choice, I weighed over two hundred pounds. I say “by choice” because I have never accidentally eaten anything. And when I choose to eat too much today, I have chosen to weigh too much tomorrow.

At age forty-five, I chose to do something about my weight and physical condition. I changed my eating and exercise habits, got down to 165 pounds, and my whole life changed. Now I’d like to point out that the months required to lose the thirty-seven pounds were ten of the toughest months I’ve ever experienced. For nine of those ten months I really hated jogging, but I hated being out of breath and out of shape even more. (I might point out that until I started jogging, my idea of exercise was to fill the tub, take a bath, pull the plug, and fight the current.)

For nineteen years I jogged roughly fifteen miles each week with only one sprained ankle as the result of stepping in a hole. I jogged an average of five times each week, felt better, had more energy and could do things I could not have done when I was twenty-five years old. My love of, and enthusiasm for, jogging was so great that I jogged with the temperature as much as forty degrees below zero. (Of course, I was jogging inside—wouldn’t want to mislead you!)

In 1990 Dr. Cooper’s research showed that fast walking was even better for you over the long haul. Today at age 75 I have a resting heart rate of 47, blood pressure of 118/80, and, to quote Dr. Larry Gibbons of the Cooper Clinic, my cholesterol is “Perfect!”

To raise positive kids I believe one of the most important lessons we can teach them is persistence. Many times our kids are simply going to have to “suck it up and tough it out.” They have to get their homework assignment whether they are inclined to do so or not. They’ll have to go to school whether they really are feeling on top or not. Please don’t misunderstand. I’m not talking about a child who is sick with a fever or a child who is really ill. I’m talking about the countless instances when all of us, including our children, want to quit just because we don’t really want to do something or because we don’t feel 100 percent.

DO IT ANYHOW

Every successful man or woman I’ve ever known did many things when not feeling 100 percent. The interesting thing is that often when we start doing something we don’t feel like doing, we end up feeling like doing it. The message is both simple and profound. Logic will not change an emotion or feeling, but action will. This is a valuable but difficult lesson to teach our kids, and it requires loving persistence on our part.

Anyone who utilizes his ability to the utmost will do so only because he understands that a disciplined, persistent individual is the one who ultimately gets things done. It is inevitable that all of us are going to suffer frustrations, defeats, and setbacks. We can take a lesson from the great inventor Charles Kettering, who suggests that we must learn to fail intelligently.

He observes that once you’ve failed, you should analyze the problem and discover why you failed. He believes each failure is one more step leading up to the cathedral of success. “The only time you don’t want to fail is that last time you try,” he says. When you do fail, you need to honestly face defeat. You never fake success. When you fail, don’t waste that failure. Learn all you can from it, because every failing experience can teach you something, and in reality you haven’t failed if it has. Above all things, you never use failure as an excuse for not trying again. After all, the first time your toddler falls, you certainly do not say, “You’ve had it! That’s it! Keep your seat for the rest of your life.”

TAKE ONE MORE STEP

You may not be able to reclaim the loss, undo the damage, or reverse the consequences, but whatever your failure has been, you can be like that toddler and simply stand up and make a new start. But this time you will be a wiser, more sensitive, and more determined individual. Knowing how to benefit from failure is the key to success, and if your kids see you benefiting in your life on a daily basis and growing from your failures, they certainly are going to be encouraged to give it another shot. As Steve Brown of Atlanta, Georgia, observed, “Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly—until you can learn to do it well.” Persistence is one quality you’ll always find in successful people.

Another classic example is that of explorer Fridtjof Nansen. He and his companion became lost in the Arctic wasteland and soon ran out of supplies. They ate everything they had, including the dogs and their harnesses. As they trudged on across the empty, bleak, and frigid terrain, with no evidence whatsoever of another living human being within hundreds of miles of them, Nansen’s companion gave up, lay down in the snow, and died. However, Nansen’s will was such that he was simply too strong to concede defeat. He kept thinking, I can make one more step, just one more, and he stumbled into the American expedition that had been sent to look for the lost explorers.

THERE ARE VERY FEW PROBLEMS THAT PURE, DOGGED PERSISTENCE WON’T EVENTUALLY SOLVE.

The message is clear—when you keep going on or even stumbling on, you never know what you’ll stumble onto. This is exactly what Nansen did. Obviously, you’re not going to stumble onto anything when you are sitting down.

A wise man once observed that the persistent pursuit of knowledge and growth cannot be separated from the pursuit of happiness. Since happiness is everyone’s objective, that persistent pursuit certainly rates high in the qualities we must teach our kids if we’re going to raise them as positive, productive individuals.

SET THE EXAMPLE, PARENTS

It’s old, but true: Quitters never win, and winners never quit until the job is complete. Unfortunately, kids don’t come equipped with persistence. Many are naturally quitters. They’ll tangle with something until they tire of it and then leave it. That’s the way toddlers and young children are. However, when they’re old enough to begin having responsibilities like putting away their toys, helping keep things straight in the house, taking out the trash, making their own beds, helping Mom with the dishes, and doing the 101 different chores around the house, parents can begin building an attitude of persistence.

It’s extremely beneficial when parents see to it that their kids do what they’re supposed to do, when it needs to be done, and that the task is completed and done well. If kids get out of their responsibilities early in life, regardless of the reason, they will try to get out of them from then on. At this point parents are establishing a habit, and it’s not a winning one.

Parents, you must apply your parental insistence if you’re going to instill persistence in your kids. Obviously, your kids are not going to be overly enthusiastic with your tactics, but they will look back and thank you for the rest of their lives.

Many years ago Calvin Coolidge said, “Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not. Nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not. Unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not. The world is full of educated derelicts.”

When you teach your kids the value of persistence, they might temporarily pause, but they won’t stop short of their goals. They’ll keep after them and, in the process, will discover that there are very few problems that pure, dogged persistence won’t eventually solve.

PERSONAL EVALUATION

1. In your own words, describe the story of the Chinese bamboo tree.

2. What is the lesson we can learn from Charles Kettering? Have you seen this lesson effective in your life? How can you teach it to your child?

3. Zig thinks kids don’t come equipped with persistence. What does he suggest parents do to combat this problem?

4. Complete this quote by Steve Brown: “Anything worth doing is worth _____ _____ until you learn to do it well.”

5. When was the last time you insisted that your child keep working on a difficult task? Was it rough on you? Was it worth it?

SIXTEEN

Real Love

“Love never reasons, but profusely gives—gives like a thoughtless prodigal, its all—and trembles then lest it had done too little.”

—HANNAH MOORE

A “SPECIAL” LITTLE BOY

Many times parents are not blessed with that beautiful, healthy, mentally alert, bouncing baby boy or girl. Instead, in many ways, they are even more blessed with a child who has some problems of one kind or another—physical, mental, emotional. Some are minor; some are serious. In my book See You at the Top, I give the vivid details of a young boy with cerebral palsy. His parents, Bernie and Elaine Lofchick of Winnipeg, Canada, are now like brother and sister to me. Thirty doctors said there was no hope for their son, David, and advised them to put him in an institution for his own good and for the good of the “normal” members of the family. The Lofchicks, however, found another doctor who was oriented toward solutions, not problems. He was the world-famous Dr. Pearlstein from Chicago.

Bernie was able to get an appointment when a little boy from Australia canceled his, and they went to Chicago for the examination. The examination itself was very comprehensive. Dr. Pearlstein spelled out what would be required if they expected David to make the progress he knew David could make.

One of the things required was that when David was about two years old, they had to put heavy braces on his legs, and each evening they had to be made progressively tighter. Consequently, the pain steadily increased. On many occasions as Mom or Dad started to put the braces on, little David would protest.

Now I want you to clearly see the picture. David was a beautiful little boy—coal black hair, olive complexion, beautiful green eyes. With tears in his eyes he would plead, “Mom, do you have to put ’em on tonight?” Or, “Dad, can’t you leave ’em off this one time?” Or, “Do you have to make ’em so tight?” Surely every parent alive can relate to the situation and understand the difficulty of Bernie and Elaine Lofchick’s position. But they loved David so much they said no to the tears of the moment so they could say yes to the laughter of a lifetime.

Today “Little David” weighs about 195 pounds, has a barrel for a chest, and is an outstanding man in every respect. Yes, love is tough—and does what’s best for the child, not what is convenient or expedient for parents.

Needless to say, there are going to be many, many instances as you raise your positive kids when it would be easier and less hassle to simply give in to their demands. On many occasions it will be easier to plop the kids in front of the television or let them eat junk food.

Later it will be easier to allow them to stay up until ten instead of having to explain why they need to be in bed by nine. Still later it will be easier to let them start dating early and stay out until an hour you know is too late just to avoid the hassle—so they can be “like all the other kids.” However, real love demands you do what is best for your children and not always what is the easiest for you or what everyone else is doing.

REAL VERSUS COUNTERFEIT LOVE

By far the most important single ingredient in the formula to raise positive kids in a negative world is deep, genuine love. Kids need to clearly understand the difference between real love and the counterfeit love they often see on television.

Several years ago, the Redhead went to the bank with a deposit. As you know, when tellers count the money, they really get after it. They pop those bills out so fast I’m mystified as to how they know how many they’ve actually counted. As a matter of fact, I’m always afraid they’ve given me too much, so I recount to make certain they’ve not overdone it.

On this day as the teller was counting the money, she suddenly stopped, reached down, and picked up a twenty-dollar bill and said, “Mrs. Ziglar, this is a counterfeit bill.” She recognized the counterfeit instantly, because in most banks they will not let a teller even touch a counterfeit. That way when a counterfeit appears in a stack, the teller can instantly, without looking, tell the difference by the “feel.”

Yes, there’s a difference between real and counterfeit money, and there’s a vast difference between real and counterfeit love. The counterfeit variety is often depicted on television and in dime-store novels. In an hour’s encounter boy meets girl, they go to dinner, establish a “meaningful relationship,” fall madly in love, and go to bed. They make every effort to depict this as the real thing, pointing out that there is nothing morally wrong with any facet of a relationship, provided it is “meaningful.”

The dictionary says, “Love is the tender and passionate affection for one of the opposite sex.” Obviously, real love goes considerably beyond tender and passionate affection. When the child sees what real love is, when he clearly sees that “for better or worse” positively means that if Mom or Dad becomes ill, the faithful mate looks after the other one, whether the illness involves a few days in bed or whether it’s a permanent, crippling, disabling injury involving years of loving treatment and care, then the chances of raising a positive child are dramatically enhanced. Why? Because the child sees genuine love in action. There is nothing more powerful!

DEMONSTRATING LOVE

Several years ago I remember chatting with my son, and I asked him, “Son, if anybody should ask you what you like best about your dad, what would you say?” He pondered for just a moment and said, “I’d say the thing I like best about my dad is that he loves my mom.” I naturally asked why he would say that, and he responded, “Well, Dad, I know as long as you love Mom, you’re going to treat her right; and as long as you treat her right, we’ll always be a family, because she sure does love you. As long as you love each other, Dad, and treat each other right, I’ll never have to make a choice of living with you or living with Mom.” Of course, I had no way of knowing it, but that very day one of his closest friends had been given that choice. The need for parents to demonstrate their love for each other before their children is important. If they truly do love each other, they’ll be thoughtful and considerate of each other. Not only will they benefit, but the children will benefit enormously.

Even as I sit here in our home writing these words, I’m in east Texas at Holly Lake. This is where the Redhead and I come to relax, and it is where I do much of my writing. Tonight is extremely foggy. It’s a vacation break, so our son is with us. He and my wife had planned to have dinner and take in a movie in Tyler, which is about thirty miles from where we live, since I was busy writing. However, as the day progressed, fog set in, and by the time of departure, it was extremely heavy.

My son was all gung ho for going, but my wife was apprehensive; and, to tell you the truth, I was more than apprehensive, so I asked them not to go. Had the trip to Tyler been an emergency, perhaps I would not have felt so strongly. However, with so much at stake on a foggy night, I simply could not bear to see them leave. Now I certainly did not encourage them to stay home because I’m a killjoy or because I was envious of the fact that they would be relaxing and having a nice time. Far from it! I get extreme pleasure out of the enjoyment my family has. However, I love them far too much to watch them pull out of the driveway into a foggy night with unknown dangers and drivers on the road. It occurs to me that this is love in action. Where the rubber meets the road in everyday life, parents must demonstrate love.

REAL LOVE DEMANDS YOU DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOUR CHILDREN AND NOT ALWAYS WHAT IS EASIEST FOR YOU.

HUGGING AND KISSING

Probably the most misunderstood area for most parents, particularly fathers, centers on the amount of affection they should give their children. I cannot begin to tell you the number of men and women, forty, fifty, and sixty years old, who have told me during the course of our Born to Win seminars that they cannot ever remember their parents telling them they loved them and hugging or kissing them, even when they were children. Tragically, this often means that these people are not showing love and affection to their own children and grandchildren, and this is a sad situation.

Fortunately, the no-hugging chain can be broken. Although they were never hugged and kissed, many parents recognize the void it created in their own lives and, consequently, they’re determined to break that chain. Slowly but surely, many of them are now learning to show affection and appreciation for their children. It is something that certainly can be learned.

Fathers and mothers need to kiss both sons and daughters. A popular misconception that many “macho men” have is that if they show affection for their little boys, particularly after they get past the toddler stage, it will increase the chances of their becoming homosexuals. Actually, the exact opposite is true. Dr. Ross Campbell, a psychiatrist who specializes in working with children, says that in all his reading and experience he has never known of one sexually disoriented person who had a warm, loving, and affectionate father.

The need for affection doesn’t end when we become adults. One psychologist says that we need four good hugs every day to be healthy. Studies by the University of California, Los Angeles, Medical Center and the Meninger Foundation, Topeka, Kansas, showed that hugging relieves many physical and emotional problems and can help people live longer, maintain health, relieve stress, and promote sleep.

I’m seldom so bold as to say, “We did this one right”; but in the area of hugging, if there has ever been a family that has done it right, it has been our own. My wife, the Redhead, is affectionately known as “the Happy Hugger.” We laughingly say that if it’s moving she hugs it, and if it’s not moving she will dust it off and sell it. Because of this huggin’ habit the Redhead and I have, our children have picked it up. The result? A strong emotional closeness that increases as the years go by.

LOVE CAN MAKE ALL OF US WINNERS

I’m convinced that love, and the demonstration of that love, is the answer to many problems that might and do exist in the family today. In fact, love can do what nothing else can.

At one of our Born to Win Seminars in Dallas, a young man and his wife from Tennessee were with us. He was astute financially and quite successful, but he had a problem—he could neither read nor write. Since part of our Born to Win class involves writing good things you notice about others on what we call our “I Like” notepads, this young man was at quite a disadvantage. On the third day of the class, he stood up to speak to the group and said, “I’ve got something to confess to you. All of you have been sending me these wonderful notes telling me of many good things you see in me, and they have really been encouraging; but I haven’t been sending any notes to you. My wife has been reading mine to me because I can neither read nor write.” And with that, he broke down and wept.

From the people who were gathered for the seminar, a young man from Malaysia, a big strapping Texan, and a woman from Australia all simultaneously rushed to the young man, embraced him, and wept with the emotion of the moment. The class arose as one and gave a standing ovation to the young man from Tennessee and to the three who had gone forward to assure this young man of his worth and their respect for him as a human being. I only wish that the United Nations could have witnessed that inspiring scene of love and caring shared by the four people from three continents, three countries, and three faiths as they affirmed and encouraged one another.

Love is the highest, purest, most precious of all spiritual things. It will draw out from men their magnificent potential. In practical terms, it instills the will to persist when the going gets so tough that any “reasonable” person would quit. We see this love demonstrated many, many times when a child is seriously ill or terribly injured in an accident and Mom and Dad lovingly invest countless hours over a period of months—even years—in an effort to comfort him and hopefully restore him to mental and physical health. Love wins out—always.

THE REAL AUTHORITY ON RAISING POSITIVE KIDS

In many ways, I suppose, I’m ending this book in a most unusual fashion. I’ve shared data and material collected out of my own life’s experiences and observations; and after talking with countless mothers and fathers over a period of many years, I’ve quoted numerous “authorities” on the subject of rearing children. I’ve given data that supports the things I’ve had to say, and I hope and believe I’ve given you some valid guidelines that will enable you to deal more effectively with life yourself and to give your children a better shot at being positive winners.

I must confess, however, that when the book was 95 percent complete as far as the accumulation of all the data, I visited with an expert on raising children who can definitely teach all of us a number of lessons.

LOVE COMES IN MANY SHAPES AND SIZES

Her name is Thelma Boston, and I first met her on Friday, December 21, 1984, although I had been hearing bits and pieces about her over a period of several years. In September 1969, Thelma’s husband was murdered, and things looked pretty bleak. However, Thelma is truly one of the most remarkable people I’ve ever seen. In every sense of the word, she is the Mother Teresa of south Dallas when it comes to pure love and total faith. Thus far, Thelma has had a hand in the rearing of some two hundred foster children, and in December 1984, she had fourteen in her home. The children Thelma gets are those nobody else wants. Some of them are severely retarded mentally, and others have physical problems that would break your heart.

However, when Thelma gets these kids, miracles take place. Many of them come from a background of extreme abuse—physical, sexual, psychological, and mental. They’re both male and female and represent the black community, the white community, and just about everything else in between.

Twenty-two-year-old Jonathan, who has the mental alertness of a nine- or ten-year-old, is an example of one of these needy “children.”

Jonathan had established quite a reputation in twenty foster homes, and nobody wanted him—but that’s the kind of kid that Thelma seeks. It wasn’t his lack of mental alertness that caused him to be unwanted. Lots of kids who function at much lower levels than Jonathan are accepted at other homes. Jonathan was unwanted because he did things that are socially unacceptable. “Little” things like waking up in the middle of the night, walking over to his roommate’s bed, and spitting on or urinating in his face. “Little” things like choking the neighbor’s cat to death. In short, Jonathan was not the kind of child who would be welcome in most homes. Now he is one of Thelma’s miracle boys.

Then there’s Marco Evans. Marco is a teenager who is about three feet tall. He’s in bed most of the time because his physical condition doesn’t give him many options. His bones are extremely soft, and he cannot stand. Marco is a bright, articulate boy who reaches up and grabs the heart of everyone. The influence he has, and the respect he enjoys from the other kids, is remarkable. As you watch Thelma talk to him and you see his bright-eyed optimism, you can’t help but be encouraged and excited.

“JUST LOVE ’EM AND TRUST THE LORD”

In talking with Thelma I asked how she managed to work these miracles. Without any show of anything other than modesty, grace, and faith, Thelma said, “I just love ’em, and I trust the Lord.”

When you try to pin the accolades on Thelma, she just smiles and says, “No problem. The Lord’s taking care of everything.” Yes, the Lord does take care of everything, but in the case of these “special” kids, He is doing it through the loving heart and arms of a remarkable woman who demonstrates that love combined with faith is an unbeatable force in raising positive kids in a negative world.

LOVE CAN DO WHAT NOTHING ELSE CAN.

I tell this story because when you look at your child, I’m going to tell you that regardless of his mental, physical, and emotional condition, the odds are enormous that at least one of Thelma’s kids is infinitely worse off, and yes, each one of them is responding to her love and faith. I’m not even hinting that it’s easy to do what Thelma has done and is doing, but when you look at all the kids in the Thelma Boston Home it is clear to everyone that the biggest winner there is Thelma. The exhilaration that comes from winning is tremendous, but it is a pale shadow when compared to the feeling you have when you can take a child and make his life richer and more meaningful, almost regardless of any problems he might have.

If your child doesn’t happen to be normal and healthy in every way, I ask you to consider the miracle of south Dallas and Thelma Boston and take hope. If she can give faith, hope, and love to two hundred youngsters who have been abused or neglected and who are retarded or handicapped in some way, then surely there is much you can do to give your child the love, commitment, and affection that will ease his burden through life and help make him a winner. In the process, the biggest winner will be you.

That’s where this book ends—by urging you parents to use your new glasses that I spoke about on page 1 to look again and see what that special child of yours can be in the future, with your prayerful and patient hope, with positive input, and with that God-given love that can overcome any obstacle.

PERSONAL EVALUATION

1. Remember the Lofchicks of Winnipeg? “They loved David so much they said no to the _______________ of the moment so they could say yes to the _________________ of a lifetime.”

2. Describe the difference between real and counterfeit love.

3. Are you a “hugging” family? If not, is it because your parents never practiced hugging with you? Do you agree that it is critically important for a child’s well-being?

4. Remember the young man from Tennessee in the Born to Win seminar? What was his problem? How was real love demonstrated to him?

5. You have a special child, unique in many ways. What can you do to demonstrate real love to that child on a long-term basis?

EPILOGUE

Many of you may wonder what our children think about what I have written. With that in mind, I asked them for suggestions and comments about the things we did that they felt were effective and those that they believed were ineffective.

WE DID SOME THINGS WRONG

1. A no for no reason. The big winner for being most ineffective was our too-frequent tendency not to give them a reason when we gave them a no. On many occasions our answer was, “Because I said so.” If we could do it over, that’s one we would change.

2. Too few family outings. They expressed disappointment over the fact that we did not do more things together as a family. They specifically mentioned going on picnics, attending athletic events such as baseball or football games, or going camping.

3. Little follow-up punishment. Too often we did not follow up with some kind of punishment when they failed to do the few chores we had assigned to them. All of them pointed out they would have had more opportunities for growth and better preparation for life if they had been given more responsibilities around the house.

4. Inadequate warnings about sexual harassment. Another area in which we really goofed with our girls was that we did not prepare them for the sexual advances they received as they grew up and went to work.

5. Insensitivity to the effect of relocation on the family. One of the worst things we did was to move frequently from one city to another. Some moves were necessary, but several of them could have been avoided had I been more sensitive to the needs and feelings of my daughters. If I could do it again, I would include my family in making the decision, and it would be made in a loving, not a dictatorial fashion.

6. Handling of financial difficulties. Until our youngest daughter was about seventeen, we were often on a financial roller coaster and frequently in a feast-or-famine situation. However, we never discussed or admitted to them that we had money problems. It wasn’t until years later that we learned the girls had been deeply troubled during those times. They thought we were going to lose everything. A little honest dialogue would have alleviated most of their fears.

WE DID SOME THINGS RIGHT

We were delighted that the list of things our kids felt we did right was substantially longer than the list they felt we “goofed” on.

1. Same ordering privileges. Interestingly enough, one of the things they appreciated most was the fact that when we ate at the restaurant, we always gave them the same ordering privileges we had. If we ordered steak and that’s what they wanted, they ordered steaks. This communicated to them the value and worth we felt they had and did wonders for their self-images.

2. Teaching the absolutes of right and wrong. For example, their mother would not lie for them if they didn’t want to talk to someone who called or came by. Also, the day each child reached the age of twelve was the day we started buying that child an adult ticket to the movies.

3. Not using improper language. They all felt that not being allowed to use, and not ever hearing us use, cop-out words like stupid, dumb, hate, or yuck was important. Also they never heard us curse or use filthy language.

4. Teaching them courteous responses. Teaching them to respect their elders, including us, with courteous “Yes, sir” or “Yes, ma’am” answers, along with generous use of “please” and “thank you,” has been extremely helpful to them.

5. Respecting ourselves and others. Never seeing us drunk or out of control was especially important to the girls, and Tom most appreciated the affection we demonstrated for each other. Respecting other races also rated high on their list of things we effectively taught them.

6. Insisting on personal responsibility. Our middle daughter, Cindy, was especially pleased that we made her feel responsible for always doing her homework and being on time—and that after the first year of college, she was permitted to make her own choice regarding the rest of her education.

7. Sensible dating restrictions. We would not let them date anyone we felt would not be in their long-range best interests just because “others were doing it.” We always felt they should never date anyone they would be unwilling to marry and have as the father or mother of their children.

8. Taking the time to listen. Daughter Suzan especially appreciated the fact that we either had the time or took the time to talk when she needed or wanted to talk.

9. Showing no favoritism. Treating all of them equally, showing no favoritism, was high on their list. The girls smilingly point out that Tom was the exception, since he was the only child we took overseas. (Tom came along ten years after our youngest daughter, and the girls were already married when we took him on those trips.) They emphasize, however, that it’s still not too late.

10. Displaying love and affection openly. Easily the most important thing to them was the fact that we openly displayed our love and affection for each other and made them feel comfortable that Mom and Dad respected and loved each other.

Realistically, of all the things we did right, our total and unconditional love for them was most important. Love truly is the most powerful force for good and for raising positive kids on the face of this earth.

Families can and should be a tremendous source of love, inspiration, and enjoyment. Here’s hoping and believing that Raising Positive Kids in a Negative World will help you and your family as you grow together.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Of all the efforts I’ve expended in the writing of a book, this one has been the most challenging, exciting, and rewarding. As always, a project of this kind is never handled by one person alone. In this particular case, the contributions made by others—including the numerous authors who were willing to permit the use of their writing and research—have been invaluable.

My deep thanks go to my friend Walt Clayton for his in-depth research; my wife, Jean, for her support; my daughters, Suzan, Cindy, and Julie, and my son, Tom, for their insight and suggestions.

For their practical advice and persistent encouragement, I am especially grateful to Mrs. Mamie McCullough, president of Positive Life Attitudes for America; Anne Ezinga and Karen Roossien, corporate wives; Victor Oliver, my publisher; Laurie Magers, my administrative assistant; and Kay Lynn Westervelt, who filled in during Laurie’s vacation.

To all of these loving, faithful people, I give my heartfelt thanks.

NOTES

CHAPTER 2

1. “National Television Violence Study,” Issue Briefs (Studio City, CA: Mediascope Press, 1997).

2. The American Academy of Child Adolescent Psychiatry, “AACAP Joins Health Organizations’ Consensus on Entertainment Violence Danger,” 2 August 2000, www.aacap.org 3. Jeff Leeds, “Surgeon Gen. Links TV, Real Violence; Entertainment: Report finds repeated early childhood exposure to intense shows, video games causes aggressive behavior,” Los Angeles Times, 17 January 2001.

4. U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services. Parents’ Guide: Keeping Youth Drug-Free, 1997–98.

5. For more information on the National Longitudinal Study on Adolescent Health, visit their Web site at www.cpc.unc.edu/addhealth. For a copy of the August 1998 Today’s Issues, visit through their Web site: www.nichd.nih.gov/about/cpr/dbs/pubs/ti8.pdf.

6. Jennifer Marshall, “Sanctioning Illegitimacy: Our National Character Is at Stake,” 28 March 1997.

CHAPTER 5

1. Claire Safran, “How to Raise a Superstar,” Reader’s Digest, January 1985.

CHAPTER 7

1.Christianity Today, 10 August 1984.

2. Harry Chapin. “Cat’s in the Cradle.” Copyright 1974 Story Songs Limited. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

CHAPTER 8

1. Helen Andelin, All About Raising Children (Santa Barbara, CA: Pacific Press, 1982).

CHAPTER 11

1. Marilyn Elias, “Chats with Parents Pass Sex Attitudes to Teens,” USA Today, 1 August 2000.

2. Mary Jo Heckinger, The Lookout. (Cincinnati, OH: The Standard Publishing Company, Division of Stondex International Corporation, 1980.)

CHAPTER 12

1. Carolyn Poirot, “Sudden Mood Swings Called Clues to Abuse,” Fort Worth Star-Telegram, 28 October 1984.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

A talented author and speaker, Zig Ziglar has an appeal that transcends barriers of age, culture, and occupation. Since 1970, he has traveled around the world delivering powerful life-improvement messages and cultivating the energy of change. He has shared the platform with such distinguished Americans as Presidents Ford, Reagan, and Bush, Generals Norman Schwarzkopf and Colin Powell, Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, Paul Harvey, Dr. Robert Schuller, and numerous U.S. congressmen and governors. A well-known authority on complete and balanced living, Mr. Ziglar has been recognized three times in the Congressional Record of the United States for his work with youth in the drug war and for his dedication to America.

Founder of Ziglar Training Systems, headquartered in Carrollton, Texas, Mr. Ziglar has written twenty-one celebrated books on personal growth, leadership, sales, faith, family, and success, including See You at the Top, Courtship After Marriage, Secrets of Closing the Sale, Success for Dummies, and Confessions of a Grieving Christian. Nine titles have been on the best-seller lists, and his books and tapes have been translated into more than thirty-eight languages and dialects.

Table of Contents

Preface

Introduction

1. Raising Positive Kids Is Simple—But Not Easy

2. We’ve Got Problems

3. Qualities of the Truly Successful

4. Motivation and Positive Thinking

5. Positive Steps to Developing Positive Kids

6. The Tridimensional Child

7. For a Child, Love Is Spelled T–I–M–E

8. Raising Positive Kids Is a Team Effort

9. Communicating with Family Members

10. Building a Healthy Self-Image

11. Sex

12. Sex Abuse and Harassment

13. Forgiveness—The Ultimate “Positive” in Life

14. Discipline—The Key to a Positive Kid’s Greatness

15. Positive Persistence Produces Positive Kids

16. Real Love

Epilogue

Acknowledgments

Notes

About the Author