Manipulative People:

A Step-by-Step Christian Plan for Dealing With Liars and Controlling People

(Dealing With Difficult People Series, Volume 2)

Robert E. Baines, Jr., D.Min.

Manipulative People: A Step-by-Step Christian Plan for Dealing With Liars and Controlling People (Dealing With Difficult People Series, Volume 2)

Copyright @ 2014 by Robert E. Baines, Jr.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be produced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical, recording, photocopying, or otherwise, without prior permission of the copyright owner.

Note: All scriptures in this book are quoted from the New International Version of the Bible.

Visit the author’s websites at

www.RobertBaines.com

Disclaimer

Although every attempt has been made to produce the most accurate and trustworthy information possible, Robert E. Baines, Jr. does not accept liability for any actions taken as a result of reading this publication. This publication is not intended as counseling.

Your Free Gift

Before we get into dealing with manipulative people, I have a free gift for you. It is my way of saying “Thank You” for supporting my writing ministry. I wrote a booklet entitled, “Inspiration From Psalm 23.” The booklet contains six encouraging devotionals based on Psalm 23. All you have to do is click the link below and then supply your name and email, in exchange for the booklet, which will be emailed to you in pdf format.

www.RobertBaines.com

Dedication and Acknowledgments

This book is dedicated to those who are feeling used, mistreated, and angry because of the manipulative, lying, and controlling people in their lives. Here you will find a step-by-step Christian plan for dealing with them and moving on with God’s blessed plan for your life.

By way of acknowledgements, I must thank God for trusting me with the ministry of writing. I am so thankful that my wife, Sis. Daphene Baines, Sis. Gerri Sanders, and Sis. Felicia Johnson provided valuable assistance in proofreading this book. And I could not close without saying “thank you” to Southern Baptist Church, in Cincinnati, Ohio, where I serve as the Senior Pastor. I am thankful for their continued support.

Table of Content

Introduction

Step Number One - Accept That You Cannot Change a Manipulative Person

Step Two - Take Care of Yourself

Step Three - Try to Help the Manipulative Person

Step Four - Coping With Chronically Manipulative People

Your Customized Step-by-Step Christian Plan for Dealing With Manipulative People

Book Excerpt

About the Author

16 Helpful Resources

Introduction

Do you know people who are just too sneaky, under handed, and manipulative? They are always scheming, conniving, and working an angle. They feel no regret about backstabbing and being deceptive.

Do you know people who use their charming smiles and compliments as well as their fake anger, “I didn’t know,” or lies to get their way and to pull your strings? They have too much control over getting you to do what you don’t want to do and stopping you from doing what you want to do.

Have you ever felt confused, angry, betrayed, and even guilty, after interacting with a manipulative controlling person? Have you experienced fear, anxiety, depression, or insecurity because of your interaction with someone who lies and tries to control your life? Many have reported feeling grieved, miserable, exploited, and even abused after dealing with manipulators.

The manipulative person may well be a family member, co-worker, your boss, a church member, or a friend. Those we want to get along with the most can be the biggest and most painful sources of manipulation.

Instead of having an enjoyable relationship known for mutual trust and respect, you feel used, unsure, and unsupported. Instead of a win-win partnership, you feel as if the other person is always winning and you are usually losing.

On one hand, you don’t want to believe that someone you care about can be deliberately evil. You don’t want to be too hard on them and abandon them. But on the other hand, you are getting tired of being used, feeling angry, and experiencing feelings of guilt, after you interact with the person, right?

I remind you that John 10:10 teaches that God wants His people to have life and that more abundantly. Abundant life includes peace that surpasses all understanding (see Phil. 4:7). It includes joy (see Gal. 5:22).  Being angry, anxious, and depressed are not God’s plans for you.

Since you are reading this book, I am pretty certain that you have experienced at least one or two manipulative people in your life. I further assume that you are reading this book because you want some advice on how to handle the lying controlling people who are in your life, right? You are not alone. There are many people seeking Christian ways of dealing with manipulative people.

To be clear, the problem with manipulative people is that they are using sneaky ways of getting what they want with no or very little regard for what you want. This leads to guilt and or anger in you, which impacts your ability to live the abundant life that God is calling you to live.

How Does This Book Help Solve Your Problem?

The purpose of this book is to help you develop a step-by-step Christian plan for dealing with the manipulative people in your life. You should notice several things about this purpose statement. It is focused on how to deal with manipulative people. We are not simply going to describe the problem and complain about or even try to manipulate the manipulators. We are going to do our part to deal with the situation at hand.

This book is based on Christian principles and is written with Christian readers in mind. When I say Christian, I am referring to someone who has accepted Jesus Christ as his/her personal savior by faith. I am referring to someone who is striving to understand and live by God’s word - the Bible. Living by the Bible includes giving our best to loving God and others, as we love ourselves. It includes being an active part of a Bible based local church.

However, all are invited to read it, and I believe that much of the material will be helpful to those who are not Christians. Feel free to pick and choose which material is relevant for your situation and which is not.

Who Am I?

I am a middle-aged Pastor with over 23 years of Pastoral experience. My Doctorate of Ministry degree equips me with writing ability, but my experiences with church officers, members, and those outside the church have equipped me with the content and drive to write this book. And then my experiences are “enriched” by coming from a large family of over 20 uncles and aunts and more than 50 first cousins. Stop smiling.

It is my intent to write a series of books on how to deal with a number of difficult personalities. This is the second book in the series. I write in a rather practical “let’s have a cup of coffee” tone. So if you are looking for a great sermon or to be impressed with five and six syllable words, you may be disappointed.

How Is This Book Organized?

After this introductory chapter, I will present four steps for dealing with manipulative people. Each step will be given a chapter of discussion. In these chapters, you will receive not only helpful information about the step but more importantly, you will be given practical tips that can be implemented immediately to help you deal with the people in your life. These chapters end with review and self-examination questions that will help you develop your customized step-by-step plan for dealing with the people in your life.

We will then develop your individual step-by-step Christian plan for dealing with the manipulative people in your life. If you read the book and do nothing with the material, things will stay the same. The more you know, the more you are called to do (see Lk. 12:48).

How Can You Get the Most out of This Book?

I would recommend that you do the following: (1) Read the entire book and take a shot at answering the review and self-examination questions. (2) Re-read the book and answer the review and self-examination questions more thoroughly, especially the questions dealing with your customized plan.  (3) Carry out your plan for at least 30 days.

One Last Thing ….

I need you to send me an honest review of this book. The more 5 and 4 stars reviews that this book gets, the more other people will be blessed by it. Please help me promote the book, by way of leaving a review and urging your loved ones to purchase the book and leave a review as well. It would mean a great deal to me to see your reviews. Thanks in advance.

Alright, let’s look at the first step - accepting that you cannot change a manipulative person.

Step Number One - Accept That You Cannot Change a Manipulative Person

“You will always have the poor among you …” (see Jn. 12:8a)

Congratulations, your making it through the introduction to this first step says that you are serious about dealing with manipulative people in your life. In this chapter, we are going to discuss the following issues: acceptance, change, definition, the chief motivation for manipulators, and 16 of their tactics. We will then focus on some practical tips for applying the principles of this chapter, before dealing with the review and self-examination questions.

Acceptance

To “accept” does not mean that you agree with their manipulative ways, nor does it mean that you have given up on the person. It means that it is what it is, until they decide to change.

In John 12:8, Jesus talks about the poor will always be with us. This was the acceptance of a reality, not an agreement with this being a good situation. In like manner, the manipulative person is with us, until he/she decides to change.

Change

No matter how much you love the person, you cannot change them. You may influence them; but at the end of the day, they must decide for themselves. In fact, many people resent your trying to fix them. Think about how we like to buy items in a store, but we don’t like being sold.

Definition

For the record, everyone engages in some manipulation. Almost everyone is tempted to be extra nice to those we need to ask a favor from. We are tempted to let loved ones know what we want for Christmas or our birthday in such a way that they will try to get it for us.

But a “manipulative person,” as used in this book, is a person who habitually uses sneaky tactics to control someone else or to get his/her way. Sneaky tactics may include lying, pretending as if they are confused, or declaring that they are simply doing what is best for you or someone else, instead of their real agenda of doing what is best for themselves. They often feel as if they are right or entitled to the outcome that they are pursuing. If there is any conflict within them, they often rationalize that the ends justify the means. That is, they reason that a little white lie is alright, as long as they are trying to accomplish something noble like save the company, look out for the people, or to make sure that you don’t get too besides yourself.

Manipulation is based on the expectation of some kind of gain or lost. For example, if you comply, you will gain money, sex, love, praise, or something attractive to you. Or if you don’t comply, you will lose money, power, status, companionship, or something that you don’t want to lose.

The relationships that have the most significant gains or losses are susceptible to manipulation. In other words, family, work, professional, political, and even religious relationships are high targets for manipulation, because we tend to expect to gain from these relationships and we really don’t want to lose in these relationships.

It is noteworthy that there is a such thing as legitimate influence, which should not be confused with manipulation. In a parent child relationship, the parent has legitimate influence. In a counselor patient relationship, the counselor has legitimate influence. In a leader and willful follower relationship, the leader has legitimate influence.

Key ideas under legitimate influence include consent, transparent tactics, and an agenda that benefits the one being influenced. Especially with adults, consent is foundational. The difference between a manipulative self appointed leader and a leader with legitimate influence is often the followers’ agreement to follow or their consent. Hebrews 13:17 and Romans 13:1-3 clearly teaches a consensual submission to ordained leadership.

Transparent tactics doesn’t mean there are no rewards for doing what is expected and no negative consequences for failing to do what is expected. Nor does it necessarily mean that the influencer announces the tactics. It does mean that if the question of tactics and intentions are ever raised then the influencer readily agrees that he/she intentionally used carrots and sticks to achieve the legitimate goals at hand.

As for the agenda benefiting the one being influenced, this should be pretty self-explanatory. Whereas the manipulator is out for his/her own good, which may or may not benefit the one being manipulated, the legitimate influencer is out for the benefit of the one being influenced, which may or may not benefit the influencer. Think about how the patient’s compliance with a doctor’s instructions benefits the patient and doctor. In the case of surgery, the surgeon gets paid to perform the procedure.  So “yes,” the manipulator and legitimate influencer may use similar tactics, but their motives are different.

There are spectrums of manipulation and legitimate influence. Some tend to be manipulative only in reaction to threats. Others are proactive in their manipulation - they are always working some kind of angle. Some use legitimate influence for as long as it works. But then may be guilty of switching to manipulation.

The Manipulator’s Chief Motive

As you try to understand where they are coming from, note that a manipulative person’s chief motive is often “winning.” They tend to see the world as a place where you play or get played, instead of mutual interdependency (i.e., balanced decision making and shared control). They believe they deserve to be the winner (i.e., entitlement). They tend to project on others their own “win-lose” world view and don’t trust anyone.

If they see themselves as a part of the body of Christ, they are always the head (see Rom. 12:5). They more than likely see themselves as independent of the rest of the body.

According to “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs,” people are motivated to satisfy their physiological, safety, love and belonging, esteem, and self-actualization needs. Click here for more about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.

A manipulative person may have a fear of not receiving enough esteem or respect. If to be respected means to be treated as one who has enough worth and importance to have his/her desires satisfied then the manipulative person’s fear is that he/she will not receive respect and his/her desires satisfied by complying with ideas like being honest, transparent, and seeking “win-win” transactions. So to insure worth, importance, and respect/esteem, as measured by having their desires satisfied, they use sneaky tactics to get what they want.

Think about a co-worker who wants to be acknowledged for carrying out an assignment, so she can get a raise. However, she pursues her desires by getting others to do her work. She controls her enabling colleagues, by talking about how difficult it is for her to be a single mother and to be a woman in a man’s world. She further talks about how she has been so helpful to her colleagues (e.g., birthday cards, visits to the hospital, kept secrets [i.e., veiled threat], etc.).

Think about a “friend” who wants to have sex without getting married. He may threaten to end the relationship, if you don’t comply. He may talk about how if you loved him, you would satisfy his natural desires. He may even talk about how good he has been to you and your children as a means of suggesting that it is payback time.

The manipulator feels entitled to a certain level of respect, acknowledgment, and cooperation. Furthermore, they are willing to use manipulation as a means of securing what they want.

In his book, In Sheep’s Clothing, George Simon refers to manipulative people as covert aggressive personalities. That is, they covertly but aggressively work to get what they want. They want to win.

Simon does a great job of explaining that they suffer more from character disorder than neurosis. To be neurotic includes being overly inhibited and suffer from unreasonable and excessive anxiety, guilt, and shame that keeps the person from taking care of themselves. Neurotic people tend to draw our sympathies. We want to help them, instead of take care of ourselves.

Character disorder means, in this context, a lack of inhibition and restraint. There is a lack of guilt, shame, or anxiety. This person has no internal brakes or conscious. To various degrees, “All is fair as long as you win” is their motto.

16 Tactics Used by Manipulators

The following are some of the tactics used by manipulators to control a situation and to get what they want:

1. Minimization. Here they say things like “It is not that bad” or “I did not cause that much harm.”  Listen for key words like “just” and “only.” For example, it just cost a little time. Or it only cost an extra $5 (i.e., your $5).

2. Lying. The manipulator is obviously known for giving misinformation as a means of deceiving. This is deliberate distortion.

They are known for lying about their ignorance and/or their confusion. When they feel pressured, they are quick to say “I didn’t know” or “I am confused.” Prior to calling them to account, they clearly understood what was going on.

They also lie by omission. They lead you to believe one thing by leaving out key information. Thus, the lie is by way of omitting key information. Think about an employer telling you, in response to a question about how much a job pays that “We used to pay the previous employee x amount of dollars.” The intent is to communicate that you will be paid similarly. They omitted that the company was making more money then and the employee being referred to had 10 years of seniority.

3. Denial. This is very similar to lying except it is more one dimensional. Whereas lying can be a creative presentation of misinformation. Denial, as used here, is simply the person saying “no” to what they are being accused of.

Think about confronting a person about spreading your personal business with others. You have three people who have told you what they heard the person say and the person is telling you they did not say it.

4. Selective inattention/attention. Here the manipulative person simply picks and chooses what he/she will and will not pay attention to. Out of your two minute response, they zoom in on one half of a phrase near the middle of your response. They may take the phrase out of context and ignore all of the other things said in your response.

5. Rationalization. Here the manipulative person makes excuses. They try to present the rational reason for why they did what they did or why they failed to do what was expected of them.

6. Diversion or evasion. These ideas are so similar that I lumped them together. Under diversion, think about how they may change the focus from the issue at hand. You are asking them about why are they late, and they are talking about how you are so impatient.

With evasion, they may respond to your questioning their being late with some rambling and irrelevant responses to your direct questions. They are deliberately vague.

7. Covert intimidation. Here the manipulative person doesn’t just come straight out and say that if you don’t comply with their desire that bad things will happen to you. That is more like bullying. Covert intimidation is when they make mention of or allude to bad things that may happen, if you don’t comply with their desires. They don’t talk about how they will do bad things, they suggest bad things may happen.

For example, the boss may mention how the budget is being reviewed and some of the staff may need to be cut. This is code for, if you don’t comply, you may be terminated as a result of the budget cuts.

A “friend” may mention how overwhelming her schedule is and how bills seem to be popping up unexpectedly. This is code for, if you don’t comply, she will not be available to accompany you on a scheduled trip or pay back the money that she owes you. You really want to listen to what manipulative people are saying and ask, “Why are they saying it”?

Their telling you what “the people said” may fit under this category as well. The manipulative person may say something like “well you know the people are saying or I heard that there are some people who are really angry with you or who are having a meeting to cause trouble for you.” There is normally no “people” other than the manipulative person with whom you are talking. If there are people, they are normally fewer people and those people are less angry than the manipulative person reported.

8. Guilt tripping. Here the manipulative person plays on your consciousness to keep you in a state of self-doubt, anxiety, and/or submission. They may talk about how if you had followed their advice then things would be better for you, for them, or for someone else (e.g., family, church, or job). They are known for telling you what you should and should not have done.

That little seed can grow in your consciousness to be a bush or a tree of self-doubt, anxiety, or submission to their desires. Manipulative people look for people who are overly open to the idea that they may be wrong, cautious, and willing to give in to the one who looks like they know what they are doing.

9. Shaming. Here the manipulative person may use subtle sarcasm and put downs to increase your fear and self-doubt. The manipulative person aims to make you feel inadequate or unworthy. They may overly criticize your failure to speak “proper English” and lack of credentials as well as suggest that someone like you should simply do what the more experienced person says do (i.e., the manipulative person or the person that the manipulative person wants you to follow). The aim is to tear down your confidence in having strong feelings that are contrary to what they want you to do.

10. Playing the role of the victim.  Here the manipulative person aims to evoke sympathy from you, so they can get their way. Listen for their creative ways of talking about how no one loves them, how sick they are, how everyone picks on them, and how they are in so much need. They look for those who have a high need to help those in need. Those who have to help every stray puppy they see along the road are easy targets for manipulative people who play the victim game.

11. Vilifying the victim. Here the manipulative person turns the table around. Even though they are the ones who have done something wrong to you, they pretend as if you are the one who has done something wrong towards them. They act defensive and may even pretend to be angry as a part of their plan to get their way.

For example, they want you to come over to eat at their home, but you have promised friends that you would go out with them tonight. Even though you all discussed this before, the manipulative person can act like they forgot the conversation and produce fake anger about how you don’t want to be bothered with them. If you try to show that you do want to be bothered with them, by cancelling your outing and going to the home of the manipulative person, you have given them exactly what they wanted.

12. Playing the servant role. Here the manipulative person presents himself or herself as a selfless servant and often martyr. They may point to how much they do for their people, their family, their church, their community, the homeless, the abused, or even the company. They are often self-appointed servants who have no official title.

The problem is not their working for a noble cause. The problem is the cost of their work. They do what they do, so others will be obligated to do what the manipulative person wants. It is an "I wash your back and you wash mine" type situation. The problem is that the victim never agreed to the terms. The victim thought that the manipulative “servant” was serving for the noble agenda of simply helping someone in need.

The manipulative person uses guilt and shame to get the victim to do what he/she wants done. The manipulative person talks about how much they have done for you and you should do this little favor for them. They talk about what a shame it is for you to be so ungrateful, after all they have done for you.

13. Seduction. Here the manipulative person presents him/her-self as such a likeable person. They give you the compliment that you did not even know you wanted. They provide the reassurance, approval, and praise that feel so good in the moment. Their charm is extra effective with those who are emotionally needy.

They have mastered intermittent reinforcement. That is, they know how to charm you into doing what they want and then piece meal their charm and seduction after the initial phase. The victim keeps striving to get the positive reinforcement that they used to get in the initial phase, but the manipulative person knows that they don’t have to work as hard to keep you where they want you. They simply pour on the charm, when it seems that you are about to become non-compliant.

For example, a man really pours on the charm and seduction to have sex with a woman who is not the most attractive woman around. After the initial conquest with flowers, candy, fancy dinner, and generous praise, he doesn’t do half as much as he used to do to get the sex that he wants. He really only pours it on, when it looks like the woman is going to give up on the relationship. The reinforcement is intermittent.

14. Projecting the blame or blaming others. Here the manipulative person talks about how someone or something other than him/her-self is responsible for the problem at hand, even though he/she is actually responsible. When he/she pretends to be the victim, instead of the responsible person, this becomes “playing victim” (see above). When he/she pretends that you are the one responsible for what is wrong, this becomes “vilifying the victim” (see above). As long as the manipulative person wins, he/she normally doesn’t care who is the blame.

15. Silent treatment. Here the manipulative person is actually trying to punish the victim with a lack of positive regard. They want the victim to feel how uncomfortable it is when he/she doesn’t comply with the manipulative person’s desires. The silence can lead to the victim feeling pressured and obligated to make the relationship work smoother. For the manipulative person, this means do what the manipulative person wants.

For example, if the manipulative person wants you to be a part of gossiping about a co-worker or church member, wants you to lie for them at the job, or wants you to get high with them and you refuse to accommodate their request then they may use the silent treatment. That is, they stop talking to you and demonstrate no emotions. In time, especially those who are addicted to pleasing the manipulative person may cave in and do what the manipulator wants. The manipulative person starts to talk again and often act as if nothing happened.

16. Starting arguments. Here the manipulative person picks a verbal fight. They may say something like “So, you have put your other friends in front of me, huh”? They may use assumption statements. That is, they act like they are mind readers and tell you what you are thinking and what you were trying to do. When you try to defend yourself, especially with some kind of anger of defensiveness, they have you right where they want you. At some point, they will start “playing the role of the victim” (see above), as a means of getting you to comply with what they want out of guilt or obligation.

Practical Tips for Accepting Your Inability to Change a Manipulative Person

What follows are some practical tips for actually using the material in this chapter.

1. Access your level of understanding acceptance, change, and definition. Give some serious thought to the material on acceptance, change, and definition. List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. On a scale of one to five, with five meaning you are doing very well and need no further effort in this area, how would you grade your level of understanding in this area. Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

2. Access your level of understanding motivation and tactics. Give some serious thought to the material on motivation and tactics. List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. On a scale of one to five, with five meaning you are doing very well and need no further effort in this area, how would you grade your level of understanding in this area. Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

3. Imagine how you deal with someone with a mental illness. There are adults who are functional, but they are also mentally challenged. They can hold down a job and maintain a household with minimal supervision. But when you engage them in a conversation, it becomes obvious that they have some challenges.

This may be a helpful way to see manipulative people. They may have many things going well for them. They may be highly functional. But when it comes to control and getting their way, they have some challenges. In fact, George Simon, Jr., in his book, In Sheep’s Clothing, refers to them as having a character disorder. Think about the imagery used in passages Matthew 7:17 (i.e., wolves in sheep clothing) and Matthew 3:7 (i.e., brood of vipers).

4. Do not own their problem. If you are not careful, you will accept responsibility for complying with what the manipulative person wants. After you have given your best to negotiating a “win-win” interaction that is all that you can do. If the manipulative person is still complaining then they are the ones with a problem. We all live in an imperfect world with imperfect people.

Understand that even if you gave into the first request of the manipulative person, there will be something else down the road. The problem is not the issue at hand. The problem is that he/she is a manipulator. Don’t make yourself crazy trying to please them.

Take a look at Stop Feeling Guilty: A Christian Approach. This book is written to help you defend against the guilty feelings that can come from dealing with manipulative people.

5. Don’t be surprised that the manipulative person doesn’t understand and agree that he/she is a manipulator. Especially as a child, I played checkers. It was humorous how when I was playing, there were moves that I did not see. But when I was observing someone else play, I saw so many good moves.

In like manner, there are those who cannot see their own manipulative ways. They can see what is wrong with others, but they don’t see what is wrong with themselves. We will talk more about this, in the chapter on helping the manipulative person.

Review and Self-Examination Questions

1. What is the first step in dealing with manipulative people?

2.  What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, under acceptance and change?

3. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, under definition?

4. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, under motivation?

5. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, under tactics?

6. How many practical tips were listed?

7. What are some of the passages of scripture referenced in this chapter?

8. From this chapter, what are three or four really important points for you to remember and apply to your step-by-step plan for dealing with the negative people in your life?

9. In addition to your book review, I would love for you to send me an email (BainesBooks@outlook.com) about your response to this chapter. This material will be considered, if the book is revised or updated. What did you enjoy the most about this chapter and what suggestions do you have for improvement (make sure you mention the title of the book and chapter, in your email)?

Conclusion

At this point, you have not only a familiarity with the pain that manipulative people cause, but you also have learned or remembered some key ideas about the first step in dealing with them. The first step is to accept that you cannot change a manipulative person. As you worked through the review and self-examination questions, you have jotted down some ideas to remember and to put into your plan of action, right? Outstanding. Let’s move on to step two. Step two focuses on self-care.

Step Two - Take Care of Yourself

“Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, 2 but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night. 3 That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—whatever they do prospers.” (see Ps. 1:1-3)

I am proud of you. You are still reading and learning how to deal with the manipulative people in your life. From step one - accepting that you cannot change a manipulative person, we turn to step two - take care of yourself. In this chapter, we will discuss understanding your weak spots, replacing unhealthy thoughts, working on your discipleship, instead of becoming a manipulator, and developing a positive support group to help you limit your exposure to manipulative people. We then focus on practical tips in the area of self-care, before focusing on some review and self-examination questions. Your engaging the review and self-examination questions is going to play a crucial role in developing your step-by-step plan, so make sure you are reading and soul searching as you go.

Understand Your Weak Spots

The strongest person has some weak spots. The following should be kept in mind regarding your weak spots:

1. Transitions. When you are going through significant transitions in your life or suffering significant loss (e.g., a close loved one, job, or something important to you), you are an easier victim for being manipulated. Where as you want some reassurances, support, and love, the manipulative person sees an opportunity to use his/her charm to do favors for you that they will use as bargaining chips for you to do what they want in the future.

2. Most likely to be manipulative. Those who exert the greatest impact on your sense of identity, security, status, self-worth, and sense of personal adequacy have the highest potential of manipulating you. The relationships that we count on the most and we would cry over the most, if they were destroyed, are the places where manipulation can be found and can be most painful.

Unfortunately, the people who fit this description includes family members, loved ones, those on your job (i.e., boss and co-workers), and professionals with expertise. On one hand, everyone is not out to get you. Praise the Lord. But on the other hand, those who are closest to you are the most likely to do you the most harm. Think about how those who are not close to you would be so easily dismissed. It is those you want to trust, love, and drop your guards around who are able to hurt you the most.

3. Urgent response required. Where there is physical violence or illegal activity, there is no room for negotiation. With emotional and psychological manipulation, you may be able to work your way out of it. Violence or illegal activity adds urgency to your response.

Replacing Unhealthy Thoughts With Those That are Healthier

Unhealthy thoughts lead to unhealthy feelings and actions. Replace unhealthy thoughts with healthier thoughts, in the following areas:

1. Overly intellectual. Do you think that people are basically good and only occasionally bad? Furthermore, when they are bad, do you think there is a reasonable cause for such? If you answer "yes" to these questions you are in danger of being manipulated.

Even though the worse person has some image of God in him/her, all of humanity is sinful. Genesis 1:27 would be a great passage to support humanity having the image of God in them. Psalms 139:14 talks about humanity being fearfully and wonderfully made. But Romans 3:10 talks about there being not even one righteous. And I John 1:8 talks about how even believers still have sin in their lives.

There are times when people simply choose to do wrong. They do not suffer from neurosis - excessive anxiety and guilt that prevents them from healthy decision-making. They suffer from a sinful character.

The more you try to understand why sinners sin, the more doubt the manipulator can plant with his/her lies and projection of blame. At some point, what happened is more important than why it happened. Think about someone shooting you. Whether it was by accident or intent, once you are shot, you are shot.

Replace the unhealthy concept of over analyzing with something closer to the following:

“I want to be and will be a reasonable person. However, I will also work to make sure that I don’t develop 'analysis paralysis.' I will work to make sure that I don’t over think the situation. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and flies like a duck then I will treat it as a duck, not matter what the duck says. I will trust God to help me see what I need to see and do what I need to do.”

2. People pleasing. When you have an excessive sense of being responsible for the welfare and happiness of others, you set yourself up to be controlled by guilt and obligation. If you are not careful, you can become virtually addicted to the approval and pleasing of others. This “people pleasing” mindset can be the product of an overly controlled childhood.

Instead of this unhealthy thinking, develop a mindset that is closer to the following:

“I want to and will give serious effort to loving others and then trust God with the results. I believe that God wants me to be a loving personality (see Jn. 13:34-35). However, I determine what my ‘serious effort’ is, not the person I am trying to love or others. And God has a long track record of taking little and doing much.”

3. Approval and acceptance. When you feel as if you must earn the approval and acceptance of all others, you are an easy victim. When you feel like you need to avoid criticism, rejection, and abandonment at all cost, you are setting yourself up for manipulation.  Manipulative people are known for letting you earn their approval and then threatening to take it away, unless you comply.

Instead of this unhealthy thinking, develop a mindset that is closer to the following:

“I would be nice, if people approved and accepted me and my efforts. However, it is much more important for God to approve of me and my efforts. No human being satisfies all other human beings all of the time. Jesus’ hand picked Treasurer betrayed Him (see Mt. 10:4) and humans killed Him. Therefore, it is unreasonable for me to think everyone will always approve of me and my efforts."

4. Fear of negative emotions. When you feel as if you cannot survive the anger, aggression, and confrontation of another person, you are setting yourself up for manipulation. All the manipulative person has to do is raise his/her voice or behave in some aggressive manner, and you will cave into their desires.

Furthermore, when you repress the anger that you have towards others, it is not strange for you to become depressed, as you joylessly comply with what the manipulative person wants. So excessive fear of the negative emotions of others both sets you up for manipulation and depression. Remember that I John 4:4 teaches that the God who is in us is greater than the things of this world.

Replace this unhealthy thinking with something closer to the following:

“Even though I hate being in emotional tense situations, God is able to see me through. I will do what I can in good conscious to avoid the deliberate instigation of anger, aggression, and confrontation. But I will be more committed to doing and saying what I believe God would be pleased with. If my obeying God triggers aggression in others, I will trust God to see me through it, as He has seen me through so many other bad situations in my life.”

5. Low self-reliance. When you have a pattern of distrusting your own judgment and find yourself repeatedly filled with post decision regrets, you are wide open for manipulation. The manipulative person is often excessively self-reliant. They will fuel your self-doubt. They will at the drop of a hat make decisions for you. If things work, they will want credit. If things don’t work out, they will find someone else to blame.

Instead of holding on to this unhealthy thinking, move towards the following:

“I will give due diligence in making good decisions. I will seek wise counsel, when such is needed (see Pro. 15:22). I will pray and ask God for wisdom (Jm. 1:5). And at some point, I will make the best decision that I know how to make and trust God to work things out. I believe that God is working all things out for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (see Rom. 8:28), even mistakes that I may make. Making a prayerful and faith based mistake is better than being manipulated by someone who doesn’t have my best interest at heart.”

6. External locus of control. “Locus of control” is essentially how and where you attribute the cause of the things that happen or fail to happen to you. When you think that what happens or fails to happen is primarily outside of your control then manipulative people have a way of coming along and controlling. On the other hand, when you have an internal locus of control, you tend to avoid manipulation and take responsibility for your own life.

Replace the unhealthy concept of external locus of control, with something closer to the following:

“I am responsible for much of what happens to me. I am always responsible for how I respond to what happens to me. So, I resolve to avoid being a helpless victim and work on exercising the measure of self-control that brings glory to God. What glorifies God will bring peace and joy to me.”

Instead of Taking It Too Personally, Grow From Your Pain

It is important for you to understand that manipulative people are chronically and irrationally manipulative. They may think that you are stupid or beneath them, but that is only their opinion, not a fact. Their opinion is based on their perception, which is bent towards negative evaluations, not on their knowing the real you. If you take their manipulation too personally, you are going to drive yourself crazy. It may be easier said than done, but you are going to have to learn how to let their manipulative tactics and intents roll off of you like rain rolls off of a windshield.

There are levels of processing a statement. For example, when you are told that “You cannot do that here.” You can focus on “here,” which is the environmental level. You can focus on “that,” which is the behavioral level. You can focus on “do,” which is the abilities, skills, and knowledge level. It gets more personal, when you focus on “cannot,” the values and beliefs level. And it is very personal, when you focus on “you,” the identity level. Avoid taking things personally, especially from people who don’t know you personally.

If you have been hurt, give yourself permission to deal with your emotions. No matter how saved and mature we claim to be, when someone we care about is extra manipulative towards us, it hurts. Instead of denying that it hurts, give yourself permission to deal with what happened, why it happened, what you learned from it, and move on.

Give yourself 10 minutes, one hour, or one day to stew over what the person said and how they said it. Get it out of your system. I personally like to write it out on paper. When you think about why it happened, remember that just as sure as dogs bark, birds fly, and snakes bite, manipulative people will be manipulative. This is not your fault.

There is always a lesson to learn. The lesson may be to put more distance in the relationship, to terminate the relationship, or to become emotionally stronger in an area. The lesson may be to avoid being like the person in question. Some people teach you what to do and some people teach you what not to do, by their example. I have heard those who struggle with substance abuse say, “whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.”

The most important part of this point is to move on. Don’t waddle in the pain. Give yourself a deadline for moving on. Replaying the scene in your mind about what happened, feeling guilty, constantly reviewing what you did wrong, or being angry are all counterproductive.

I like Philippians 3:12-14’s urging us to move on. It says, “12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

Take a look at the Inspiration From Psalm 23 Package. This material will give you the encouragement to get through the valleys, instead of waddling and staying in them.

Work on Your Discipleship and Avoid Becoming a Manipulator

A disciple is a follower of Christ or a mature Christian (see Lk. 9:23). You will be at your strongest point to deal with manipulative people, when you are strong in the Lord. When you try to deal with matters on your own, you are likely to either be too lenient, too harsh, or doing the right thing for the wrong reason.

We could write another book about discipleship and maturing in the Lord. The following are some foundational issues that you must attend to:

1. Salvation. You must make sure that you have accepted Jesus as your savior by faith (see Jn. 3:16). Since all of humanity was born in sin and have sinned, and since the wages or cost of sin is death, everyone must accept Jesus as his/her savior by faith.

2. God’s word. You must spend quality time prayerfully studying God’s word (see II Tim. 3:16) with a mind to obey it. As important as corporate worship and fellowship with other believers are, you need to make time to prayerfully study a portion of God’s word on a regular basis. You need to ask the Lord to help you understand what you are reading and to live by it. A key teaching in Philippians 3:13-14 and James 1:22 is to learn and grow in obeying God’s word.

As you prayerfully study and obey God’s word, you will come across the idea of self-image and self-esteem - how you see yourself and the value you assign to yourself. From a biblical perspective, saved people are children of God with great inheritance (see Eph. 1:11). Thus, you must work on thinking, feeling, and behaving in accord with who God says that you are, instead of who manipulative people say that you are.

In Christ, you don’t need the flattery of manipulative people (see Pro. 6:24). You really are a person of value because of your relationship with God. In Christ, there is forgiveness of our sins, which means you don’t have to allow people to mistreat you as some sort of penitence or repayment for your sins (see I Jn. 1:8-9).

3. Worship. You must spend quality time worshipping God (see Jn. 4:23-24). The more you praise and worship God, the less emotional energy you will have to be angry with manipulative people. The more you worship God, the less energy you will have for guilt and anxiety.

4. Service. You must spend time serving (see Eph. 2:10). If your relationship with God only moves you to read, pray, and worship, as you wait to go to Heaven, you have missed the ideas of being the salt of the Earth and light of the world (see Mt. 5:13-16). You have missed the second greatest commandment of loving your neighbors as you love yourself (see Mk. 12:29-31). Discipleship and Christian maturity must help somebody.

However, guard against thinking that you have to respond to every hard luck story (Mt 5:42; 7:6) with your last dollar and the forsaking of your own self care. There is a difference between those who need help and those who are professional panhandlers. The need for discernment and spiritual courage to tell some people “no” should be apparent.

5. Stress management. You need to work on your stress level. God wants you to experience peace (see Phil. 4:7). Unhealthy stress levels have negative impacts on your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Some people respond to manipulative people by reaching a breaking point and then exploding with uncontrolled emotional outbursts. Others simply shut down and their repression often leads to depression.

You are responsible for managing your stress. Working on your discipleship will help you with your stress. Some other stress relief strategies include physical exertion, social gatherings, quiet time with loved ones, and engaging in creative endeavors.

6. Assertiveness. You may need to work on your assertiveness. If your level of assertiveness needs attention, you may want to develop a goal to increase your level of assertiveness from a 3 to a 4 on a scale of 1 to 5, where 5 means excellent. Your plan may be to read two books on the subject, write summary notes on the books, and apply the material to your life. Your plan may be to talk with two honest friends who love you enough to tell you the truth. Talk with them about where you are in your journey, what is going on, and gather their feedback based on what they see happening in your life.

7. Avoid manipulation. Make sure you don’t become a manipulator. If you are not careful, you will become what you despise. In her book, Who’s Pulling Your Strings: How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation and Regain Control of Your Life, Harriet B. Braiker talks about the prisoner’s dilemma or game of social domination. The essence of the material is that manipulative people will compete instead of cooperate, so they can get ahead. After you experience enough interactions with a manipulative person where they win and you lose, you will become tempted to compete, instead of cooperate as well. Even if you win a couple of transactions, the damage that you do to your spirituality and your sense of values makes playing this game too expensive. You must be willing to break the manipulative person’s control over you, even if it means losing the relationship.

Develop a Positive Support System and Limit Your Exposure to Manipulative People

Surely an important part of working on your discipleship is Christian fellowship. However, the subject matter is so important that I want to give it special attention. First, the fellowship will provide mutual discipleship enrichment. You will be a blessing to them, and they will be a blessing to you, as you all interact with and pray for one another.

Second, it will help you be less dependent on the emotional support of those who are manipulating you. When your only source of emotional support comes from those who manipulated you, it lessens your chances of considering all of your options, especially the options of putting more distance in the relationship or ending the relationship. Without other emotional support, you may reason that you would rather be manipulated in a relationship than have no relationship at all.

Your plans may include finding and developing relationships with positive people working on positive goals in their lives. Look for and join positive groups. You may even explore the idea of securing a coach or mentor for a period of time. Be clear about what you expect out of the coach or mentor - a listening ear, inspiration, or instruction. The more positivity you have in you, the less room you have for negativity to be in you and the stronger you are to fight of the negative impacts of manipulation.

You have to take responsibility for limiting how much manipulation you are exposed to. Exposure includes how much time you spend with manipulative people, how much thought you give to what they say, and what you allow people to do and say to you.

Guarding your time can be a matter of setting a timer for how long you will talk with a manipulative person. It can also be a matter of not accepting appointments with them.

The amount of time you spend thinking about what manipulative people have said can be a matter of writing down key points that you think are worth your attention. You would then give yourself a reasonable amount of time to process anything of merit in your notes. You would then discard the notes, as a visual aid that you are finished with the material.

As for guarding what you allow people to say and do to you, remember that sometimes your silence is viewed as consent. If you don’t object to people being manipulative towards you, your silence may be viewed as a tacit or slight sign of consent. Even if the person doesn’t stop being manipulative, they will not be able to say that they did not know that you were disturbed by their behavior.

As I alluded to earlier, you can catch the manipulative attitude of others. You may reason that you have to do what you have to do to stay alive.

Just like you have to guard yourself against germs being spread by a person with a cold coughing and sneezing around you, you have to guard against the germs of manipulation. Learn to avoid overreacting to and learn to remove yourself from infected conversations. Don’t give them the satisfaction of messing up your day.

Think about how Psalms 1:1 talks about the blessed person not walking in the counsel of the wicked, nor standing in the way of sinners, nor sitting in the seat of mockers. II Corinthians 6:14 talks about not being unequally yoked. We have to watch our company.

Practical Tips in the Area of Self-Care

What follows are some practical tips for actually using the material in this chapter.

1. Access your closest relationships. Give some serious thought to your closest relationships (e.g., loved ones, job, and church).  List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. Grade yourself on a scale of one to five, with five meaning all is well and no action is required. How would you grade the given people being manipulative towards you. Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

2. Access your level of unhealthy thinking. Give some serious thought to the material on unhealthy thinking.  List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. Grade yourself on a scale of one to five, with five meaning all is well and no action is required. How would you grade your having healthy thinking in the various areas. Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

3. Access your taking things too personally and growing from your pain. Give serious thought to the material on not taking it personally and growing from your pain. List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. Grade yourself on a scale of one to five, with five meaning all is well and no action is required. How would you grade not taking things too personally and growing from your pain? Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

4. Access your level of discipleship and becoming a manipulator. Give some serious thought to the material on developing your discipleship and avoiding becoming manipulative. List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. Grade yourself on a scale of one to five, with five meaning all is well and no action is required. How would you grade your working on your discipleship and avoiding becoming a manipulator? Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

5. Access your support system and exposure to manipulative people. Give serious thought to the material on developing your support system and limiting your exposure to manipulators. List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. Grade yourself on a scale of one to five, with five meaning all is well and no action is required. How would you grade your working on a positive support system and limiting your exposure to manipulators? Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

6. Journal about your pain and positive intake. Keep a journal regarding your exposure to manipulation and the pain that it causes you. Make note of how much time you are spending with manipulative people, how much time and energy is being given to thinking about manipulative efforts, and most importantly how can you lessen the amount of time and energy given to this kind of stuff.

If the manipulative person is your boss, your spouse, or your parent, you may not be able to simply cut them off. But you can find ways to lessen your time with them. You can find ways to keep their manipulation from having too great of an impact on you. We will talk about this more in step four.

Keep journal notes regarding your efforts to avoid taking things too personally and growing from your pain. Make note of how some of the experiences of your day would have been taken even more personally in the past, but you have grown. Give yourself a pat on the back.

Regarding your pain, make sure you write down what happened, why you think it happened, what lessons you learned, and your commitment to move on. Keep moving through the valley; don’t take up residency there (see the Psalm 23 Package)

Keep journal notes regarding your efforts to build a more positive attitude and support system. As alluded to above, setting goals, developing plans, carrying out the plans, and monitoring your actions, responses, and tweaks can prove to be very helpful.  Make sure regular worship, prayer meeting, and Bible study are in your plans.

7. 30 Day Challenge. Do a 30 day challenge on one of your weak spots (i.e., one of the trouble areas for which you graded yourself a 3 or below). Essentially, you identify a weak spot of yours that you want to work on. Give yourself some type of grade for where you are today and where you realistically want to be in 30 days. Develop your plans, which should include a daily journal entry and consulting with trusted advisors to help you with your initial and 30 day assessments as well as give you helpful feedback along the way.

Thirty days is a manageable step in the right direction. It gives you enough time to develop some good habits. But it is not so long that you give up because you have grown bored or overwhelmed. Here is a link to more information on 30 day challenges.

Review and Self-Examination Questions

1. What is the second step for dealing with manipulative people?

2. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, under understand your weak spots?

3. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, under replacing unhealthy thinking?

4. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, under instead of taking it too personally, growing from your pain?

5. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, under work on your discipleship and avoid becoming a manipulator?

6. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, under develop a positive support system and limit your exposure to manipulative people?

7. How many practical tips were listed?

8. What are some of the passages of scripture referenced in this chapter?

9. From this chapter, what are three or four really important points for you to remember and apply to your step-by-step plan for dealing with the manipulative people in your life?

9. In addition to your book review, I would love for you to send me an email (BainesBooks@outlook.com) about your response to this chapter. This material will be considered, if the book is revised or updated. What did you enjoy the most about this chapter and what suggestions do you have for improvement (make sure you mention the title of the book and chapter, in your email)?

Conclusion

At this point, you have learned or remembered some key ideas about the second step in dealing with manipulative people. The second step is to take care of yourself.  As you worked through the review and self-examination questions, you have jotted down some ideas to remember and to put in your plan of action, right? That is very good. Let’s keep moving. Step three is about helping the manipulative person.

Step Three - Try to Help the Manipulative Person

“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently.” (see Gal. 6:1)

You should really feel good about yourself. You have been reading, thinking, and following through with your concerns regarding how to deal with manipulative people. In this chapter, we move from self-care (i.e., step two) to helping the manipulative person. In this chapter, we will discuss setting a great example, communicating your displeasure with the person’s manipulation, and hearing the manipulative person out with empathy. We will then discuss helping the manipulative person develop alternatives and supporting them, being strong, and practical tips in the area of helping them. Finally, we will focus on some review and self-examination questions. Your engaging the review and self-examination questions is going to play a crucial role in developing your step-by-step plan, so make sure you are reading and soul searching as you go.

Set a Great Example

One of the reasons that the self-care of step two is so important is because it gives you the power to carry out step three’s concern with setting a good example. The best way to change the manipulative person is to stop rewarding them, by giving them what they want - power and control.

If you are a manipulative or a weak person, you will have an extremely slim chance of helping a manipulative person change for the better. The hope of your great example is to inspire them to be as healthy as you are.

You need to work on being calm and kind. Smiles, open posture, greetings, and polite language (e.g., please, may I, and thank you) still go a long ways.

Think about how I Peter 3:1-2 and Matthew 5:13-16 applies to the idea of being a great example. I Peter 3:1-2 says, “Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.” Similar to how a wife’s example may influence her husband’s coming to the Lord, your example may influence others to behave more positively.

Matthew 5:13-16 says,  “13 “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot. 14 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” Similar to how salt and light ought to have a positive impact on what is around them, your example should have a positive impact on manipulative people.

You need to work on modeling how to deal with conflicts in a healthy way. Healthy conflict resolution includes dealing with the problem without attacking the people. It includes keeping our words and body language in supportive postures, instead of antagonistic or aggressive postures. You can be right about your point, but your word choice and or your tone makes it difficult to agree with you. We could write another whole book about how to handle conflict in a healthy way. The point here is that to be a great example doesn’t mean you have no conflicts and no problems in your life. It means that you model how to handle conflicts and problems in a healthy way.

I like the idea of highlighting or mentioning three positive ideas for every negative idea that must be addressed. Model how to be loved, respected, and in control without being manipulative.

Communicate Your Displeasure With Their Manipulation

I understand that it may be difficult, but it is often necessary to tell the manipulative person that you do not appreciate what they are doing. Find the best time and do the best that you can.

You may want to use a little humor, if you think that it will help. You may write a note and let them know that you are available to discuss the note with them. Do what you have to do, but you don’t want to be guilty of giving any form of consent with your silence.

If this is a close and essential relationship, make it clear that you see them as bigger than their manipulation and that you love them. Talk to them about how you regret having to have this conversation, but you felt it was necessary to address the behaviors that are bothering you, so the relationship could be saved. Communicate that you want a relationship that both of you like, respect, and trust.

Be prepared to be specific. Don’t generalize. Try to have three examples of the point that you are making. Aim for the positive that you want, instead of the negative that you want to avoid. Try using the following formula: When you do (a-behavior), I feel (b-emotion), if you (c-alternative behavior), I would feel (d-emotion).

Here are two examples, “When you criticized me in public on (date), I felt embarrassed and angry. If you would give me constructive feedback about what I am doing wrong in private, I would feel more willing to give 110%.”

“When you said ‘no one every does anything for me’ on (date), it made me feel as if you were trying to make me feel guilty enough to do something for you. I felt angry, because I have done some things for you like (example). If you would simply ask me for what you want, I would feel as if we are having a transparent conversation, instead of a manipulative one.”

Stating two agreeable ideas before your proposal can be helpful. For example, “We both want to do a good job, right? We both want to enjoy our time together, right? Well, when you … (see above)” Especially in a work environment, you may want to put things in writing.

And you also want to guard against doing too much explaining. Manipulative people love to have “discussions,” because it gives them opportunities to use what you say against you and to have you feeling guilty or angry. Prayerfully make your point and learn to leave them with what you believe is more than your clear intent.

When you are sharing your thoughts, it is important for you to be assertive but not hostile or sarcastic. Use “I” statements. Talk about what you believe, see, and feel. You don’t know what they meant and or tried to do.

With Empathy Hear Them Out

As for empathy, try to put yourself in the manipulative person’s position. You may ask yourself, “What happened to make this person behave like this”? Hopefully, this will allow you to feel at least a little sympathy for the person, instead of simply being annoyed. Be careful with word selection and tone. You want to understand, not give them something else to complain about like your words or tone.

It is noteworthy that some manipulative people are genuinely unaware of their being manipulative. They would say they are acting the way they have always been acting. It is possible that they learned some bad habits as a child and have practiced them so long that manipulation comes naturally.

If a manipulative person is ego-congruent - being manipulative fits into the way that he/she consciously thinks of himself or herself - then a shift in outcome is needed to produce a change in them. In other words, as long as manipulation works, they will keep on manipulating. Helping them see that their manipulation is causing harm is not likely to produce much change on their part. They may reason that you should simply comply quicker and stop causing yourself so much harm. I don’t know if I should smile, be angry, or sad about that last sentence.

If a manipulative person is ego-incongruent - being manipulative is contrary to the way that he/she consciously thinks of himself or herself - then increased insight and awareness of what they are doing may be helpful. In other words, this person may be willing to work on being less manipulative and more loving, if they see being manipulative is incongruent with the loving person they want to be.

In both cases (I.e., ego-congruence and ego-incongruence) there is a need to have an honest conversation to both let them know how their actions or inactions are impacting you and so you can determine your next steps.

Help Them Develop Positive Alternatives and Support Them

Do what you can to get the manipulative person to shift from a “win-lose” mindset (i.e., where they win and you or someone else loses) to a “win-win” mindset (i.e., both sides win). There will be times where there is a “no deal.” If a “win-win” cannot be negotiated then “no deal” means that the parties will not settle for either or even both parties losing.

Use questions to empower them, instead of giving statements and recommendations. When they adopt your recommendation and your recommendation doesn’t work out, they tend to hold that as evidence against your “win-win” philosophy.

If they appear to be unable to come up with alternatives, use questions like “Have you considered option 1, option 2, or option 3”? This empowers them to choose what they want to do. This is a better question than “Have you considered option 1”? This latter question lends itself to them saying that it was your idea to which they simply said “yes.”

When you get the manipulative person to commit to doing something constructive, give him/her positive encouragement and support. Let them know that you knew that they could come up with a good idea. Encourage them to follow through on their ideas.

Especially, if being supportive and encouraging doesn’t come easy for you, study and practice healthy ways of doing such. Reading helpful material, talking with people who do well with being supportive, and practicing what you have learned will be of great benefit to you. Galatians 6:1 talks about helping the weak. The text says, “Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently.”

Be prepared for this to take awhile. If a person has a pattern of thinking and behaving that has grown comfortable to them over a number of years, you ought not think that they will turn into a positive growth oriented person in one or two conversations. Each person is different, and it depends on how emotionally charged the issues at hand are.

If you are the person’s boss or in a position to give some kind of reward, you may want to give them a reward for solving a problem without manipulation. You may want to incentivize another episode of good behavior or two. But at some point, incentivizing what is expected of a mature adult may become unsustainable.

Be Strong

Remember from step one that you cannot change a manipulative person. And taking responsibility for pleasing them, in spite of the harm that they cause you, is not sustainable. If you give into their demands and cunning tactics, you enable them to continue to grow in their manipulative ways, which by extension means you are enabling them to be manipulative to you and others.

You have heard the saying that “The squeaky wheel gets the oil.” Well I am saying, “Don’t over oil the squeaky wheel.” This enables the squeaky wheel to keep on squeaking for attention and often disproportionate attention, when you consider the others in the group. It leads to other wheels that need and deserve oil being neglected.

Brace yourself for a great deal of resistance. Courageously trust passages like Romans 8:28, which states, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

When feelings of guilt start to creep in, remember the Stop Feeling Guilty Book. When you are getting weak, remember the Psalm 23 Package.

Practical Tips in the Area of Helping Manipulative People

What follows are some practical tips for actually using the material in this chapter.

1. Access your level of being a great example. Give some serious thought to the material on being a great example. List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. On a scale of one to five, with five meaning you are doing very well and no action is required, how are you doing in this area? Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

2. Access your level of communicating your displeasure with the manipulator’s actions. Give some serious thought to the material on communicating your displeasure with the manipulator’s actions. List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. On a scale of one to five, with five meaning you are doing very well and no action is required, how are you doing in this area? Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

3. Access your level of hearing the manipulative person out with empathy. Give some serious thought to the material on hearing the person out with empathy. List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. On a scale of one to five, with five meaning you are doing very well and no action is required, how are you doing in this area? Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

4. Access your level of helping and supporting the person’s development of alternatives. Give some serious thought to the material on helping and supporting the person’s development to alternatives. List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. On a scale of one to five, with five meaning you are doing very well and no action is required, how are you doing in this area? Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

5. Access your level of being strong. Give some serious thought to the material on being strong. List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. On a scale of one to five, with five meaning you are doing very well and no action is required, how are you doing in this area? Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

6. Seek advice. After you understand the real issues, you may want to talk to colleagues about possible alternatives for the “situation.” Try not to mention the person’s name. You may need to talk with colleagues who are not too close to the particular situation at hand. These conversations can help you think of positive alternatives for the given problem. Proverbs 11:14 talks about the value of seeking wise counsel. The text says, “For lack of guidance a nation falls,
but victory is won through many advisers.”

Review and Self-Examination Questions

1. What is the third step?

2. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, under setting a great example?

3. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, under communicating your displeasure?

4. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, under hearing the person out with empathy?

5. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, under helping the person develop positive alternatives and supporting them?

6. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, under being strong?

7. How many practical tips were discussed?

8. What were some of the scriptures referenced in this chapter?

9. From this chapter, what are three or four really important points for you to remember and apply to your step-by-step plan for dealing with the manipulative people in your life?

10. In addition to your book review, I would love for you to send me an email (BainesBooks@outlook.com) about your response to this chapter. This material will be considered, if the book is revised or updated. What did you enjoy the most about this chapter and what suggestions do you have for improvement (make sure you mention the title of the book and chapter, in your email)?

Conclusion

At this point, you have learned or remembered some key ideas about the third step in dealing with manipulative people. The third step is to try to help the person. As you worked through the review and self-examination questions, you have jotted down some ideas to remember and to put in your plan of action, right? You are doing super. Let’s look at the last step. Step four focuses on coping with the manipulative person.

Step Four - Coping With Chronically Manipulative People

“Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.”

(see Mt. 7:6)

Take a bow and pat yourself on the back. You have made it to the last of the four steps for dealing with manipulative people. In this chapter, we move from trying to help the person to simply coping with chronically manipulative people. We will discuss accepting them, setting your boundaries, negotiating win-win situations, responding to what the manipulative person does, fighting off their tactics, and cutting them off. We will then look at some practical tips in the area of coping, before focusing on some review and self-examination questions. Your engaging the review and self-examination questions is going to play a crucial role in developing your step-by-step plan, so make sure you are reading and soul searching as you go.

Accept Them

Think about how you want people to accept you for who you are. Hopefully you are a positive and growth oriented person, at least in your eyes. In like manner, the manipulative person wants and deserves to be accepted. Just like there are dogs, cats, birds, and fish, there are manipulative and more transparent people.

Something that may help you accept them is to be thankful to God for your not being like them. Sometimes we need to see how bad things could be to appreciate things being as well as they are. If everyone was positive, open minded, and growth oriented then you would not know what to do with yourself. And if you think about it, there was probably a time when you were not as positive as you are today. You have grown to this point, by the grace of God. Remember that some people teach us what not to do and be, by their example.

Another thing that may help with your acceptance of a manipulative person is to work on objectifying their comments. Some may say, “Consider the source.” In other words, when a manipulative person is manipulative, you ought not take it personally. Manipulative people are manipulative, that is why we call them manipulative. Therefore, for you to get upset about them being manipulative makes about as much sense as being upset about a dog barking, rooster crowing, or a snake hissing. I like this quote attributed to William James, “The art of being wise is the skill of knowing what to overlook.”

Here is one last thing under this acceptance idea. You may want to establish a hot word or some type of code word that signals that the manipulative person is going too far. For the uncreative, it may be “you are going to far” (smile) or “let’s take a break.”

As suggested to earlier, imagery may be helpful. Think about how John picture the Pharisees as vipers (see Mt. 3:7), Jesus talked about unreceptive people as dogs and pigs (see Mt.7:6), and our Lord pictured obedient believers as sheep and prepared virgin brides (see Mt. 25:31-40, 1-13).

Especially, if you have never tried it, this may sound like a very crazy idea. However, it can be rather helpful. If you pictured the person as a three year old or mentally ill, you would lessen your expectations of him/her and increase your tolerance of the person. Attitude illness is not far from mental illness.

If you want to have a little fun, think of the manipulative person with Mickey Mouse ears or something silly. The silly image can help distract you from their sneaky ways. Imagine yourself having a force field around you (can you tell I like Star Trek) or a bullet proof glass around you that protects you from their emotional influence.

Think of them being an annoying fly or gnat that is often unworthy of your undivided attention. Picture them as a black and white print in a small frame next to your positive alternative, which is a full color print in a large frame. Picture them as your teacher (i.e., teaching you how to be more patient) or testimony (i.e., when you get passed this, you will be stronger), instead of your enemy. Experiment and do what works for you in this area.

Set Your Boundaries

You are responsible for what you will and will not tolerate. Here are five ideas to consider.

1. Urgent matters. You should not accept excuses for a person causing you or your loved one harm. If there is illegal activity and/or abuse involved, you probably need to be talking with the police or at least a counselor.

2. Your priorities. Do some serious soul searching about what is most important to you and what is not all of that important to you. Given your list of priorities and your agenda, determine what you will tolerate and what is too much for you to tolerate. Some battles are not worth fighting right now, but some are.

Here are some examples. If your spouse uses the silent treatment to get the amount of sex that he wants, but he still pays all of the bills, you may want to stay with him a little longer. If the wife keeps bringing up the husband’s past financial decisions that turned out bad, as a way to gain more control over the finances of the marriage, and she is contributing most of the money, you may want to stay with the relationship and keep trying to find a happy medium.

3. The announcement. After you have prayerful come up with boundaries, it may be time to announce them to the manipulative person in your life. Here are some examples. You may announce that you will come to the family reunion every other year, you will not make coffee for the office anymore, or you will serve with the Ushers on the first and third Sundays only. Brace yourself for their push back. Remember the chief motivation of a manipulator is to have his/her way. What you are announcing is that they are not controlling you.

As you talk with the manipulative person, do what you can to communicate that you have needs that may be different from the manipulative person’s but your needs are not wrong. Share your desire to keep and strengthen the relationship, but the current dynamic is not working for you.

4. Desensitization. I owe this strategy to Harriet B. Braiker, in Whose Pulling Your Strings. The idea is to use deep breathing and recollection of at least three times that the manipulative person tried to get you to feel upset (e.g., guilt, fear, obligation). Use a recording device to talk into about the episodes. While doing your deep breathing, listen to the episodes and talk to yourself about how you feel negative feelings, “but you can tolerate it.”

Do this twice a day for a week or two.  This helps you stop overreacting to the manipulative person’s efforts to get you off balance. The idea is to convince yourself that you are tough and strong enough to handle what the manipulative person may throw at you.

5. Limit your interaction. There are several major ways to limit interaction with manipulative people. One way includes simply spending less time with them. This may mean fewer coffee breaks together, fewer lunches together, fewer shopping trips, and surely much fewer gripe sessions. In a work environment, it may include a timed agenda that restricts how much time can be spent on a single agenda item, which means there is not but so much time they can complain. In this area of thought is the idea of setting an amount of time for your conversation with the manipulative person or setting a time when you will have to leave.

A second major way of limiting your interaction is to create physical distance between you and the person. Try to move your desk at work. Sit in a different place at church. If you all are living in the same home, you may spend more time in another room without them, instead of being in the same room being infected with all of their manipulative vibes.

And a third way of limiting your interaction is to interact with the person in a group. Instead of a direct one-on-one interaction, dilute the interaction, by adding others. It is amazing to me how there are some people who will be manipulative with you but will hold their tongue around others.

Negotiate Win-Win Situations

As you interact with the manipulative person, always try to broker a win-win situation. Work on genuinely saying things like, “I understand that you want ---. Right? I want ----. Let’s try to find a third way, flip a coin, or a your turn and then my turn approach.

It is important to make direct requests of manipulative people. And then you must respectfully but assertively require direct responses. Without a direct response, the manipulator can easily say they never agreed to the terms that you thought were understood.

For example, you think that since you both were talking about coming to work at 9:00 a.m. and staying until 9:00 p.m. to get the job done and the manipulative person said that “sounds good” that you all had an agreement. However, when 12 noon arrives and the manipulative person says “I said it sounded good, but I did not say that I would do it,” you are subject to get rather angry.

As noted earlier, work on avoiding sarcasm and hostility, when you are talking to manipulative people. This only gives them another distraction to use. They will use your tone or word selection as a distraction from the sneaky and under handed thing they did before you responded with your tone or poor word selection.

The following are some helpful passages of scripture to keep in mind:

Romans 12:21

“Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

James 1:19-20

“19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”

Proverbs 15:1

“ A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Romans 12:18

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

Respond to What the Manipulative Person Does

If he/she does what he/she said they would do, thank him/her. Think of this as a deposit in their trust account.

However, if the person doesn’t do what he/she said he/she would do then you need to respond appropriately. You want to make sure there was agreement on the expectations, that the expectations were reasonable, and that there were no extenuating circumstances that prevented the expectations from being carried out. Given the manipulative person has simply failed to do what he/she said he/she would do that is a withdrawal from his/her trust account.

In most cases, you will have to at very least make the person aware of what happened and how it made you feel. Avoid talking about the other person’s intentions. You cannot read minds. Talk about what did or did not happen, in spite of the agreement.

Work on being tactful. Don't give into angry outbursts. While they are blowing up, say "your idea sounds reasonable (i.e., assuming it sounds reasonable)." If the idea doesn’t sound reasonable, you may try something like "I appreciate your enthusiasm. Are you willing to discuss our next steps?" Learn to listen to what is said and filter out how it is said.

Don’t make threats. Do what you say you are going to do. When you say you are going to do something and don’t, it hurts your credibility. Doing what you said you would do is going to be much more effective than saying what you are going to do over and over again.

Fight Off Their Tactics

When discussing step one, we talked about 16 tactics a manipulator is subject to use. Here are some suggestions about how to fight through some of the more popular ones.

1. Rushed decisions. Fight off their rushing you to make a decision. One of the popular tactics of manipulative people is to rush their victim into making decisions, before they have taken a proper amount of time to consider the issues at hand. Learn how to communicate the following: “I understand what you want me to do, but your --(anger, rushing me, crying, etc.)-- is not going to be effective. I will get back with you on this, after I have considered the matter.” This is often a good time to walk away, if it is a work environment that allows such. If you cannot walk away, it is a good time to change the subject.

Sometimes it may be helpful to put a person on hold or walk away for a minute, when you find yourself becoming angry, feeling guilty, or feeling some kind of negativity about being manipulated.

Additionally, learn how to do what you said. Take the needed time to make a sound decision. When the manipulative person presses for an answer, as nicely as you can, remind them that you need more time to consider and you will get with them when you have an answer. Don’t do much more explaining, because that is likely to lead to something else to argue about.

2. Guilt trips. Fight off the guilt trips. Manipulative people have been known to “play sick” or bring up how much they have done for you in the past. Learn to recognize this tactic and prepare some ready answers to avoid the guilt. As compassionately as you can, try to clarify the facts, but don’t let them set up an ongoing avenue to your resources - emotions, time, energy, and money.

3. Assumption statements. Fight off assumption statements. Manipulative people don’t like to ask questions, because they lose control of the conversation. They say stuff that essentially means that they can read your mind and intentions. Don’t chase after their assumptions.

4. “The people said.” Fight off the claim that “the people said,” by verifying who said what and what are their credentials. It is amazing how small a group “the people” becomes, when you ask for names. And it becomes rather off setting to see that those who have the given opinion often don’t have access to the right information to form an informed opinion about you or your work.

5. Lying. Fight off the manipulator’s lying, by clarifying the facts. Calmly and politely ask for help with your confusion. Talk about how you don’t recall the facts as the manipulative person has presented them. Don’t be surprised by their selective memories.

An idea that fits in this area is that some people start false rumors to get you to disclose your business. Be careful about defending yourself against unknown attackers. This tactic of spreading false rumors to see how you will respond is a combination of assumption statements, “the people said,” and lying.

6. Getting you upset. Fight off the temptation to respond with emotional imbalance.  Don’t chase after those who use emotional outbursts (e.g., crying, screaming, sorrow, etc.) as their means of control. Establish and maintain boundaries like you should with teenagers. Work on responding to their “drama” with calm, rational, and concise responses.

It is important for you to learn how to emotionally disengage to keep from enabling the manipulative person’s battle for your emotional control and for your own emotional health. Learn how to redirect your mind and if possible walk away. Proverbs 14:29 says, “Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly.”

Cut Them Off

I know that this may be very painful for you. However, sometimes the best thing to do is to cut your losses and adjust to the new reality, before you waste more time and energy, on something that is not working for you. If the person in question is not in your inner circle or among your significant relationships, this may be rather simple. If you can choose between a manipulative server at the restaurant or a positive one, choose the positive one. No big deal.

However, there are times when those in your inner circle and significant relationships are the chronically manipulative ones. Here I would caution you to be very prayerful about cutting them off, especially with family.

Sometimes a good amount of distance but the ability to call one another, when one needs the other, is a better option than a total cut off. Time can bring about a change. People can change, if they have a strong enough reason to do so.

There is a stronger case for cutting people off, when manipulative words become abusive actions towards you or those you love. But even when cutting a person off, there should be an openness to receive them back, if they change.

You deserve a life that is free from people trying to manipulate you through fear, obligation, guilt, and false hopes. John 10:10 teaches that Jesus came that you might have life and that more abundantly.

Remember in I Corinthians 5:6-7 a man is expelled from the church. But in II Corinthians 2:5-11, he is received back, after he apparently repented or turned from his sins. So cutting a person off is to last for as long it takes for the person to repent. If the manipulative person never repents then they may stay cut off. However, it is because of their lack of repentance, not because of your grudge or unwillingness to reconcile.

In addition to making sure you are saved, faithful in worship, prayer meeting, and Bible study, you should pray for discernment and wisdom. Pray for the Lord to give you the ability to know what to do and when to do it. James 1:5 teaches that we can ask God for wisdom and He will supply.

Practical Tips in the Area of Coping With Chronically Manipulative People

What follows are some practical tips for actually using the material in this chapter.

1. Access your level of accepting them. Give some serious thought to the material on accepting the person. List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. On a scale of one to five, with five meaning you are doing well and there is no need for action, how would you grade yourself in this area? Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

2. Access your level of setting your boundaries. Give some serious thought to the material on setting your boundaries. List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. On a scale of one to five, with five meaning you are doing well and there is no need for action, how would you grade yourself in this area? Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

3. Access your level of negotiating win-win situations. Give some serious thought to the material on negotiating win-win situations. List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. On a scale of one to five, with five meaning you are doing well and there is no need for action, how would you grade yourself in this area? Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

4. Access your level of responding to what the manipulative people does. Give some serious thought to the material on responding to what the manipulative person does. List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. On a scale of one to five, with five meaning you are doing well and there is no need for action, how would you grade yourself in this area? Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

5. Access your level of fighting off their tactics. Give some serious thought to the material on fighting off their tactics. List three to five things that are rather important for you from the material. On a scale of one to five, with five meaning you are doing well and there is no need for action, how would you grade yourself in this area? Anything under four should be monitored closely, and anything under three should be given serious attention.

6. Reflect on cutting them off. Write a short paper describing to a trusted friend how you have done your best with all four of the steps for dealing with manipulative people (i.e., acceptance of your inability to change them, self-care, tried to help, and coping) and the top five reasons why you want to cut them off, instead of simply place some distance between you all with the possibility of a closer relationship down the road. Now, read the paper as if a trusted friend gave it to you for your advice. Does it add up? Or does it sound like the “positive and growth oriented person” is burning the house down to get rid of a rat?

Review and Self-Examination Questions

1. What is step four?

2. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, under acceptance?

3. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, under setting your boundaries?

4. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, under negotiating win-win situations?

5. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, responding to what the manipulative person does?

6. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, fighting off their tactics?

7. What are a couple of helpful ideas for you, cutting them off?

8. How many practical tips were listed?

9. What are some of the passages of scripture referenced in this chapter?

10. From this chapter, what are three or four really important points for you to remember and apply to your step-by-step plan for dealing with the negative people in your life?

11. In addition to your book review, I would love for you to send me an email (BainesBooks@outlook.com) about your response to this chapter. This material will be considered, if the book is revised or updated. What did you enjoy the most about this chapter and what suggestions do you have for improvement (make sure you mention the title of the book and chapter, in your email)?

Conclusion

At this point, you have learned or remembered some key ideas about the fourth step in dealing with manipulative people. The fourth step is to try to cope with the chronically manipulative person. As you worked through the review and self-examination questions, you have jotted down some ideas to remember and to put in your plan of action, right? You are doing a phenomenal job. It is about time to start putting all of the pieces together. Your customized plan is the focus of the next chapter.

Your Customized Step-by-Step Christian Plan for Dealing With Manipulative People

I am so proud of you. You have come through all of the conceptual material to where the rubber really meets the road. In this chapter, we move from the four general steps for dealing with manipulative people to your “why statement,” 30 day challenge, and then journaling and accountability partners. We finally get to your personal and customized step-by-step plan for dealing with the manipulative people in your life.

I would recommend that you re-read this book and make sure you have given enough energy to the review and self-examination questions. Your answers to these questions will serve as the building material for your plan.

Your “Why Statement”

Think about passages like Nehemiah 4:6 and Psalm 27:13-14. In Nehemiah, the people were able to build the wall so quickly, because they had a mind to work. They had a strong enough “why” to endure the hardships of their day. In Psalm 27, David was able to endure his hardships, because he believed that the Lord was near and working things out for him. David’s “why” was strong enough for him to face enemies, armies, and foes.

When you have a strong enough motivation, rationale, or “why,” it is amazing what you can endure. Soldiers have been known to continue to fight, in spite of being wounded, because they were so committed to winning or at least giving their best to defending their fellow soldiers and country. Athletes have played through injuries, because of their commitment to winning or at least giving their best. Parents have endured all kinds of hardships, so their children can have a chance to make something of themselves.

Develop a compelling “why statement.” Why do you want to improve the way you deal with manipulative people? Is it so you can enjoy your work environment more? Is it so you can enjoy your church life more? Is it so you can enjoy a family member more? Is it so you can stop feeling so used and angry after you interact with manipulative people? The more compelling your “why statement” the more likely you are to exceed your 30 day challenge goals.

SMART Goals

SMART is an acronym that stands for specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-bound. In regard to dealing with manipulative people, one of your goals may be to have a conversation within the next seven days with a specific friend about how her manipulation is impacting you and your relationship with her. This is a much better goal than to talk with one of my friends about her being so manipulative.

30 Day Challenge

The idea behind a 30 day challenge is to make a commitment to pursue your goals and plans for 30 days. In 30 days, you will be surprised how much progress you can make by doing something every day to reach your goal. I have a framed reminder in my office that a person can eat an elephant, if they take it one bite at a time. This challenge urges you to take one bite a day for 30 days.

Thirty days is manageable. It gives you enough time to develop some habits and make some strides in the right direction. On the other hand, if the work gets hard or boring, you can usually suffer through for the remainder of the thirty days.

So as it relates to your dealing with manipulative people, you want to develop goals and plans in the areas of acceptance, self-care, trying to help, and coping. From one 30 day challenge you evolve into another. If on day three you find your goal to be too easy or too difficult, you can change. If you discover your plan to reach your goal is faulty or you have discovered a better way, you can change the plan. No one is going to chastise you for changing the details. However, you owe it to yourself to carry out the spirit of your goals and plans for at least 30 days, as a step towards your ongoing plan for dealing with the manipulative people in your life. Click here for a site that gives great information about 30 day challenges.

Journaling and Accountability Partners

Journaling is simply a matter of making a regular note in a notebook or in your electronic device regarding how you are coming with carrying out your plan and reaching your goals. I recommend at least a daily entry for your first 30 day challenge and then you can phase down to every other day, but you never want to have less than a weekly entry during your first year of work.

The following is an example of a journal entry:

Wed. 12/18/13. Marvin the manipulator and I worked on a job project today. He began to try to manipulate me by playing the victim. I said “balloons” - our stop word. He smiled a little to hide what I think was his desire to continue. I said “thank you” and directed the conversation back to our work project. I felt good about this exchange.

An accountability partner is simply a trusted friend with whom you can talk to about your journey. I think one partner is enough. This person’s job is to hear you and keep you mindful of your goals, plan, and “why statement.” They do not need to preach to you or condemn you, just support you and help you see how what you are reporting relates to what you said you would do. At some point, an email or text may be an appropriate way to stay in touch. Initially, however, you want to have a face-to-face and then daily phone calls for the first week or so. These contacts can be about five minutes or so, after the initial agreement and first couple of contacts.

Take Pictures

Picture the specific manipulative people in your life. Also picture manipulative people in general that you are likely to encounter. Keep these images in mind, as you go through the following exercise.

Your Plan

Step One: Accept That You Cannot Change a Manipulative Person

With the pictures mentioned above in mind, and your notes from step one, what are you committed to doing in this area over the next 30 days?

Step Two: Take Care of Yourself

With the pictures mentioned above in mind, and your notes from step two, what are you committed to doing in this area over the next 30 days?

Step Three: Try to Help the Manipulative Person

With the pictures mentioned above in mind, and your notes from step three, what are you committed to doing in this area over the next 30 days?

Step Four: Coping With Chronically Manipulative People

With the pictures mentioned above in mind, and your notes from step four, what are you committed to doing in this area over the next 30 days?

Here is an example of a step-by-step plan for dealing with manipulative people. This is an example for you to add to, subtract from, and modify. The intent is not for you to simply follow this plan.

Introductory Step

- Talk to three close friends within the next seven days about being an accountability partner for me as I take this 30 day challenge. Choose one.

- Secure my journal today.

Step One: Accept That You Cannot Change a Manipulative Person

- Make an affirmation within the next three days that includes the sentiment that I cannot change anyone.

Step Two: Take Care of Yourself

- My goal is to move from my current grade of 3 out of 5 to 4 out of 5, with 5 being “excellent,” in the area of my feeling comfortable with my self-care. I want to do this by the end of my 30 day challenge.

- Within the next seven days research what positive groups are available to me and choose one to experiment with within the next 21 days.

- Make self-care a part of my affirmation that is to be completed within the next three days.

Step Three: Try to Help the Manipulative Person

- Review the information on helping manipulative people within the next two days and choose two ideas from the material to try out on my specific co-worker and two for my specific church member within the next seven days.

Step Four: Coping With Chronically Manipulative People

- Review the information on coping with manipulative people within the next two days and choose two ideas from the material to try out on my specific co-worker and two for my specific family member within the next seven days.

Additionally Steps,

- Make a journal entry every day for the next 30 days.

- Make an accountability partner contact every day for the first seven days, every other day for 14 days, and at least every four days for the rest of the 30 day challenge.

- By day 25 of the challenge, prepare my thoughts for the next 30 day challenge.

Conclusion

In addition to your book review, I would love for you to send me an email (BainesBooks@outlook.com) about your response to this chapter. This material will be considered, if the book is revised or updated. What did you enjoy the most about this chapter and what suggestions do you have for improvement (make sure you mention the title of the book and chapter, in your email)?

Alright, you have made it to the end of the “plan your work, and work your plan” chapter. Let me tell you from my own experiences that the easiest thing to do is to purchase a book, read it, and think to yourself what you should do. The hardest part is actually doing it. I really urge you to take some strong steps in the right direction immediately. Do something today, something tomorrow, something for the next seven days, and then 30 days. You will be surprised how much of an elephant you can eat, if you take one bite at a time for the next 30 days.

Please don’t forget to post your review of this book on Amazon.

Book Excerpt

The following is an excerpt of my book, entitled Stop Feeling Guilty: A Christian Approach. Learn more about the book by clicking here.

There are too many believers who feel so guilty about what they have done wrong or failed to do right that they are missing out on the abundant life that Jesus wants His people to have and not doing the good works that God has called them to do. Some are crippled by the guilt that comes from lying, from abandoning a loved one, in the time of need, or from not being able to keep up with all of the demands of the house, family, and job. The purpose and promise of this book is to guide the readers, who I pray are believers, through a Bible based plan for moving from feeling guilty to living the life that God is calling His people to live.

In chapter two, I share with you seven principles for improving your life. In this case, they are principles for moving from feeling guilty to enjoying the life that God has planned for you.

In chapter three, we will discuss the problem of feeling guilty. We will look at a definition for feeling guilty, sources of feeling guilty, and unhealthy ways of dealing with feelings of guilt.

In chapter four, we will discuss the remedy for feeling guilty. We will talk about salvation, understanding the difference between feeling guilty and conviction, forgiveness, and faith.

In chapter five, we will discuss what a liar, a murderer, and a prostitute have to say about God’s grace. Chapters three through five feature self-examination questions to aid you in improving your life, specifically in the area of moving from feeling guilty to enjoying the life that God has planned for you.

In chapter six, I review chapters two through five and urge you to make sure you are doing the work to move from feeling guilty to enjoying your life journey. At this point, you should have a solid plan for improving your life, so that you can get the maximum benefit out of part two of this book.

In part two of this book, I share with you 21 devotionals. The devotionals are designed for you to read one a day. Each devotional includes a scripture, some commentary about how the scripture relates to moving from feeling guilty to enjoying the life that God has planned for you, some self-examination questions focused on helping you improve your life, and finally a brief prayer.

The devotionals are subdivided into the following sections: Section One: God Loves You; Section Two: The Struggle with Sin and the devil; and Section Three: From Feeling Guilty to Enjoying Your Life

That is the end of the book excerpt. If you are interested in knowing how to conquer the feelings of guilt in your life or interested in helping others who wrestle with feelings of guilt then I recommend that you check out Stop Feeling Guilty: A Christian Approach.

About the Author

Hello, my name is Robert Baines. I have served as a Senior Pastor for over twenty-three years. The Southern Baptist Church, in Cincinnati, Ohio, is where I currently serve. My Doctorate of Ministry Degree was earned at the United Theological Seminary, in Trotwood, Ohio. I accepted Jesus as my savior by faith over thirty-six years ago.

Over my many years of Pastoring, in my studies, and in my personal walk with God, I have come to know that there are some manipulative, lying, and controlling people in this world. What you will find in this book is a step-by-step Christian plan for dealing with them. I look forward to your reviews and hearing about how you’ve been blessed by this book.

Here are some other books that I have recently written,

Negative People: A Step-by-Step Christian Plan for Dealing With Complaining Emotional Vampires

(Dealing With Difficult People Series, Volume 1)

Stop Feeling Guilty: A Christian Approach

Holy Land: A Reflective Journey To Israel

Back To Your Roots: A Reflective Journey To Ghana, Africa

From Skippers, Virginia to Eternal Life: A Salute to Rev. Dr. Robert E. Baines, Sr. and Lessons for Those Still on the Journey

Inspiration From Psalm 23: Life Changing Messages, 23 Devotionals, and 6 Live Sermons

16 Helpful Resources

The following are books and articles that I studied in preparing this book. I think they will prove helpful to you, in your further studies. Simply click on the titles to go to the resources.

Books

Stop Feeling Guilty: A Christian Approach by Robert E. Baines, Jr.

Inspiration From Psalm 23 by Robert E. Baines, Jr.

Negative People: A Step-by-Step Christian Plan for Dealing With Complaining Emotional Vampires by Robert E. Baines, Jr.

In Sheep’s Clothing by George Simon, Jr.

Whos Pulling Your Strings? By Harriet B. Braiker

Articles

How to Pick Up on Manipulative Behavior

http://www.wikihow.com/Pick-Up-on-Manipulative-Behavior

How to Deal With a Manipulative Person

http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-a-Manipulative-Person

How to deal with manipulative people and set boundaries

http://voxxi.com/2013/08/30/deal-manipulative-people/

How to Combat Emotional Warfare and Root Out the Manipulative, Abusive People in Your Life

http://lifehacker.com/5894134/how-to-combat-emotional-warfare-and-root-out-the-manipulative-abusive-people-in-your-life

Manipulation Tactics: A Closer Look

http://www.manipulative-people.com/manipulation-tactics-a-closer-look/

How to Handle Manipulative People

http://voices.yahoo.com/how-handle-manipulative-people-6234408.html

Manipulation

http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Manipulation.html

A Handy Guide For Dealing With Manipulative People

http://www.elizabethesther.com/2011/05/a-handy-guide-for-dealing-with-manipulative-people.html

Manipulative People:
How to Deal with Them?

http://www.way-of-the-mind.com/manipulative-people.html

How to Deal with Manipulative People

http://www.mdjunction.com/forums/positive-thinking-discussions/lounge/3963359-how-to-deal-with-manipulative-people

Website

30 Day Challenges (Website)

Table of Contents

Copyright

Your Free Gift

Dedication and Acknowledgments

Introduction

Step Number One - Accept That You Cannot Change a Manipulative Person

Step Two - Take Care of Yourself

Step Three - Try to Help the Manipulative Person

Step Four - Coping With Chronically Manipulative People

Your Customized Step-by-Step Christian Plan for Dealing With Manipulative People

Book Excerpt

About the Author

16 Helpful Resources