10 Things Every Minister's Wife Needs To Know

Jeana Floyd

Copyright Information

First printing: January 2010

Second printing: September 2010

Copyright © 2009 by Jeana Floyd. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations in articles and reviews. For information write:

New Leaf Press

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ISBN-13: 978-0-89221-698-7

ISBN-10: 0-89221-698-0

Library of Congress Number: 2009943788

All Scripture quotations in this book, unless otherwise noted, are from the New Living Translation of the Bible.

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DEDICATION

There have been many women who have influenced my life as a minister’s wife, but one in particular immediately comes to my mind — Barbara O’Chester. Barbara greatly influenced my life as a young pastor’s wife — along with thousands of others through her retreat ministry and personal example. Barbara has been a blessing to my life for a number of years, and I am grateful to call her friend and mentor. Thank you, Barbara, for living out the model of a godly pastor’s wife before many others and me all these years.

Also, I would like to dedicate this book to all ministry wives who have ever served with Ronnie and me on our staff. You have made ministry life richer and I consider it one of God’s greatest blessings in my life to be called your pastor’s wife. May you be blessed as you continue in service to our Lord.

I WANT TO THANK . . .

My husband, Ronnie, is always the one who gently nudges me to go beyond my comfort zone — and once again, he’s encouraged me to share some of our experience in ministry life through this book. It was his encouragement that led me to write this companion book to his 10 Things Every Minister Needs to Know from the minister’s wife lens. Thanks for the “nudge,” Ronnie.

I am appreciative to Tim Dudley and Laura Welch from New Leaf Press for believing this is a needed voice for ministers’ wives. Thanks to my friend for over 23 years, Debby Thompson, for helping me frame the chapters and giving me a “starting place.” The ministers’ wives that I chose to help with the interactive testimonies are living examples of what I share in the book. These are special women who I love dearly, and I respect their walks as ministers’ wives.

I am grateful for those ministers’ wives who so willingly shared their wisdom in the interactive testimonies at the end of each chapter. Thanks to Susie Hawkins, Kathy Ferguson-Litton, Barbara O’Chester, Donna Gaines, Leigh Lowery, Janice Thomas, Carol Young, Jennifer Landrith, Meredith Floyd, Charlotte Akin, and Tracey Smith. Their words added real life experience to each chapter.

I couldn’t fail to mention my mom — a pastor’s wife for over 40 years. Thanks, Mom, for being an example of a quiet and gentle spirit before me. Ten ladies committed to pray for me through this project. They prayed me through schedule challenges, word counts, deadlines, and the many highs and lows of writing a book. I am grateful for their prayer support and encouragement along the way. Thanks to Dana Tanner, Mona Elliott, Kate Floyd, Meredith Floyd, Kathy Ferguson-Litton, Susie Hawkins, Tracey Smith, Vickie White, Cheyrl Lyall, and Becky Wilson.

Last but not least, I want to thank my precious staff wives of the church that I have the privilege of being their pastors’ wife — the staff wives of the First Baptist Church and the Church at Pinnacle Hills. You gave great input and a fresh look at ministry through young eyes!

CONTENTS

Foreword

Introduction

1. The “Secret” to Survival

2. Remember Who You Are

3. It Ain’t That Hard

4. Love the Man You Married

5. Balance Is the Key

6. Let the Men Be the Men

7. It’s KOOL2BAPK

8. Let It Go: Dealing with Criticism, Conflict, and unforgiveness

9. Relationships Matter

10. Learn from the Past, Live in the Present, and Trust God for the Future

FOREWORD

Knowing that the Bible is the best handbook by which a minister’s wife should model her life, it is also important and beneficial to seek wise counsel from one who has already experienced some of the joys and pitfalls of this most treasured position.

I have personally known Jeana for more than 15 years as the wife of a godly pastor and as a good friend. In this book, she has pinpointed what I believe are key elements that can be a tremendous help for the wife of a minister.

Throughout the last 18 years of mentoring ministers’ wives, many doors of discussion have been opened and many questions have been asked that only another minister’s wife can answer with confidence.

From my experiences, I believe Jeana has chosen the topics that are of greatest concern among ministers’ wives and addressed them with biblical insight, personal experience, and practical advice.

Thank you, Jeana, for providing an official handbook for the helpmeet of the minister. I could not have said it better myself!

— Janet Hunt (wife of Dr. Johnny Hunt, current president of the Southern Baptist Convention, and pastor at First Baptist Church of Woodstock, Georgia)

INTRODUCTION

After serving by my husband’s side in ministry now for over 30 years, I can still say that I love being in ministry and love being a pastor’s wife. It would be a blessing for me to know that this book has encouraged other wives to make ministry life not just tolerable and bearable but enjoyable and fulfilling.

We are always wise to learn from others — gleaning from their mistakes as well as the things done “right.” I’ve tried to take a practical, authentic, transparent, and realistic view of my life as a pastor’s wife and many of the issues we face. Maybe something I say will save another from grief or heartache. Maybe it will encourage someone to continue in faithfulness when they are weary in the ministry God has called them to. Maybe it will resonate with a resounding, “I’ve felt that way before, too!”

Regardless, my desire for this book would be that after serving many years in ministry — amidst the joys and sorrows, the challenges and triumphs — one could say as I do after all these years, “I love my job as pastor’s wife and consider it a high calling and privilege to walk by my husband’s side in ministry.” May you be blessed and encouraged as you read this journey of mine.

THE “SECRET” TO SURVIVAL

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I was just trying to survive. What once seemed so easy was now difficult. How could that be? As a pastor’s wife, how could I be struggling with something so basic? I burdened myself with guilt, personal expectations, and other emotions, wondering what people in my congregation would think of me if they knew how I struggled.

With two small boys, a busy schedule, and a very busy husband leading a growing, thriving ministry, I definitely felt overwhelmed. I certainly didn’t feel like I “had it all together.”

However, as the years have passed, my children have grown up, and other situations of my life have changed, I have learned that there will always be a reason not to spend time every day with our Father. Distractions don’t end with the age of your children, the dynamics of your church, or your personal obligations. But what must be realized above all else is that daily time with the Lord is the secret to “survival,” regardless of the circumstances of your life.

In ministry, survival can mean a lot of things. It can be everything from not being fired to spending many gratifying years of ministry in one location. Survival can mean the difference between “existing” and “thriving” in a place of ministry. It can mean you enduring your husband’s job joyfully or grudgingly. The definition of survival in ministry can be relative — depending on where you are and how you feel about ministry. One thing is for sure: your survival and the way you feel about ministry are critical to your husband’s success. After 30-plus years in ministry, I have observed that rarely is a minister successful in ministry when his wife is miserable.

Survival in ministry is easier when you remember what it is and what it is not. It’s not a numbers game, and it’s not about total expenditure of yourself in an unhealthy way. It’s not about serving in positions that you may or may not feel called to or being available to every person who has a critical need. It’s not about being the perfect pastor’s wife to the perfect pastor with perfect children. Survival in ministry to me is knowing that I have a personal relationship with Christ, who knows every detail of my life, and gives me the awesome privilege of coming before Him — in the “secret place.”

Where Do You Learn to Survive?

Psalm 91:1 says, “He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty” (NKJV). The psalm goes on to list the things God will do for you when you dwell in that secret place: He will be your refuge and your fortress; He will deliver you; He will cover you with His feathers and keep you under His wings; He will keep you from being afraid; He will let no evil befall you or any plague come near your dwelling; He will give His angels charge over you, to keep you in all your ways; He will set you on high; He will answer you; He will be with you in trouble; He will satisfy you with long life and show you His salvation.

Understanding the meaning of two phrases gives tremendous insight into this passage. The phrase “in the secret place” is the Hebrew word sether, which means “in the secret,” “a covering,” “a hiding place,” or “a protective place.” Then the words “to dwell” are the Hebrew word yashab, meaning “to sit down, remain, settle, even to be a constant guest of God.” Therefore, when we remain in and settle in the secret place, we will experience the covering and the protective care of God. What great words of promise, comfort, and peace!

The secret to your survival is your “secret place,” where you learn how to practice the presence of God and rely on Him alone, every moment of every day. It is learning to “abide under His shadow.” If you learn to do that, you will be a survivor — a woman who pleases and honors God, a woman God cares for and protects as He promised in Psalm 91.

The Secret Place

How do you practice the presence of God? You find your “secret place” with Him every day. For years, time with God has been referred to as “quiet time,” but I would like for you to think of it as your “secret place.” The secret place is not so much a physical location as it is a place in your heart and spirit where you spend time with God. Time in your secret place is the secret to survival in ministry. This secret place is your personal private sanctuary with God. It is where you study the Word of God and listen to what He is saying to you in His Word. It is where you pour out your heart to your Father. You alone with God — that’s the secret place. No husband, no children, no extended family, no friends, no distractions of any kind — just you and God.

Why the Secret Place?

Today’s world affords all of us many opportunities and distractions. You have opportunities to serve in your church in various roles, to get involved in community activities and the activities of your children, and the list goes on and on. In order to keep all of life’s challenges and opportunities in perspective, it is crucial that you spend time with Christ.

In my personal life, I go to my secret place early in my day, before I get heavily involved in anything else. That is not to say that my way is the best or only way, it is just what works best for me. I know if I waited until the end of the day to visit the secret place, it just wouldn’t happen. I need to begin my day in the secret place, armed with God’s Word in my heart and mind. Only then am I ready to face the challenges of the day, both known and unknown.

Overwhelmed is a word I often use in my times with the Lord. Life can be busy, demanding, and uncertain. When I have that feeling, I ask the Lord to multiply my hours, to set my feet on level ground, and to guide my steps. I ask Him to help me not to fear the “what if’s” in life. I need His direction in my life before I do anything else — before I talk to others, read e-mails, make appointments, or leave for the day. As the Scripture says, “I cry to you for help when my heart is overwhelmed…. Let me live forever in your sanctuary, safe beneath the shelter of your wings!” (Ps. 61:2–4).

When you commit your daily plans to Him, He promises to make your plans successful (Prov. 16:3). I just cannot overemphasize the importance of spending time in the secret place. It is crucial to your survival, and success, in ministry.

In Your Secret Place

Basically, the secret place is where you talk to God and He talks to you. Ask the Holy Spirit to lead in your time with the Father, and I suggest you include the following things.

Read God’s Word

Reading the Word is one way you can really know God and hear His voice. He speaks to us through His Word — that’s His method of communication with us. Don’t get caught up in the amount of Scripture you read each day. I would encourage you, however, to give yourself as much time as you can to “soak up” the truth He has for you each day. When you meditate or think about what you have read, ask God to bring it to life for you. Maybe God has spoken audibly to you, but I’ll tell you how God speaks to me — it’s through His Word, and sometimes it’s so profound to my life that it seems audible.

Spend Time Talking to God

There is no one, including your husband, who is always available, and who wants to hear from you and listen to your cares like the Lord Jesus. Prayer simply means talking to God, and it is our privilege to do so because of what Christ did for us on the Cross. This is your opportunity to praise Him for who He is and to thank Him for every blessing and circumstance in your life. He wants to hear your heart’s cry. He’s pleased to hear your intercession for others and your personal requests. Don’t you love it when your husband or your children share their hearts with you? Our Heavenly Father loves it when we share our hearts with Him.

How to Dwell in the Secret Place

There is no right or wrong way to spend time with the Lord. The elements of reading the Word, meditating on the Word, and talking to God should all be included, but how you go about that is up to you and the Lord. However, in the event that my “plan” might help you enhance or improve your secret place, I want to share some ways I spend my time with the Lord. Let me add, also, that I do not always do the same thing. It depends on what is happening in my life, but I am consistent in going to my secret place on a daily basis. Be careful not to impose undue guilt on yourself about your methods, and don’t compare your secret place with others’ time with the Lord. The most important thing is that you are faithful every day to meet God in your secret place.

I have followed different plans of reading God’s Word in my secret place. Some years, I have incorporated reading the Bible through in one year — something my husband does every year. Other times, I may focus on a single Bible verse that I read that day or the Scripture given to me in a devotional book. When I am involved in a Bible study group at church, I include that as part of my time in the secret place. As I am reading the Word and after I have finished reading it, I think about how it applies to my life, what it means for me that day, and how I can incorporate it into my day. That process may take more time on some days than others, but I consider that to be God’s message to me on that day.

As part of my prayer time, I write in a journal a one-page prayer to God each day. That prayer usually includes the urgent prayer needs in my life and the lives of those close to me for that day.

In addition to the above, I keep a three-ring notebook that includes specific ongoing prayer requests, Scriptures I claim for individuals, and recorded answered prayers. I have sections for family, our staff and their families, friends, church members, our country and its leaders, and any ministry I am involved in. I break these up into days of the week so that I am not actually praying for everyone or everything every day.

I have shared with you the plan I use and the tools that help me to accomplish my time in the secret place. Here are those simple steps that might help guide you in your time with the Lord.

1. Pause and ask the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you an understanding of His Word and its application to your life for that day.

2. Read and meditate on Scripture, as He leads you, whether it is a single verse, a chapter, or a passage in His Word.

3. Write a one-page letter to God in a journal, thanking and praising Him for who He is and what He has done for you, confessing your sins to Him, and sharing your concerns for that particular day with Him.

4. Talk to God about your needs and the needs of others. (Here you might want to use the three-ring notebook binder.)

5. Give your day to God.

The key to your secret place is finding out what works best for you and practicing it habitually. I cannot dictate to you a set amount of time to spend in the secret place. At this stage of my life, I spend about an hour daily — sometimes more, sometimes less. A preschool mom may be fortunate to grab ten minutes. The focus should not be the amount of time you spend. The focus should be the attitude of your heart to recognize that strength for the day will come only through spending time in the secret place.

I Found the Secret

I found the secret to survival in the secret place. It is only when I enter into that secret place that I find the peace, the joy, and the strength to meet the demands of daily life and ministry. What I have learned is that every time I abide in that secret place I gain perspective, find joy in the blessings and strength for the difficulties, knowing that I am not alone. Every uncertainty, every heartache, every personal or ministry concern always leads me back to the same place — dwelling in the secret place, on my knees before the Father. For a number of years now, I have practiced pouring out my heart to God. I take extreme comfort in knowing that God knows all the details of the concerns of my life — those injustices, real or imagined. I can tell Him how I feel when I am sad or hurt or lonely or any number of other emotions! He is always available. He hears all my requests, and He will never repeat anything I tell Him. When you consider all the benefits to being a minister’s wife, why wouldn’t you want to “dwell” there? Also, when my heart is full of praise and thanksgiving — and giving God all the glory knowing He alone is worthy of all my praise — that, too, is entering the secret place! I do praise Him for the honor of being a minister’s wife — and the privilege to walk by my husband’s side in ministry.

Are You . . .

Overwhelmed?

Discouraged?

Fearful of the future?

Depressed?

Worried?

Experiencing other emotions I may not have mentioned?

The secret to your survival in ministry is found in the secret place. God is waiting on you right now. One of my favorite devotional books is Nearer to Jesus by Sarah Young. I love the following quote; it states so well how important our time in the secret place is — definitely a wise investment of our time daily.

Time with Me cannot be rushed. When you are in a hurry, your mind flitters back and forth between Me and the tasks ahead of you. Push back the demands pressing in on you; create a safe space around you, a haven in which you can rest with Me. I also desire this time of focused attention and I use it to bless you, strengthening and equipping you for the day ahead. Thus, spending time with Me is a wise investment. Bring Me the sacrifice of your precious time. This creates sacred space around you — space permeated with My Presence and My Peace.[1]

I heard a powerful statement by Vance Pittman, senior pastor of Hope Baptist Church in Las Vegas, Nevada, which so adequately states what our motive should be in our call to Christ’s ministry:

The primary call on my life is not a call to ministry, it is a call to intimacy. Ministry is what He does out of the overflow of intimacy. Everything Jesus desires to do through my life He will do as the overflow of His love relationship with me.”

May we dwell in the secret place — having “intimacy” with the Father so that ministry will flow through our lives as a result of our relationship with Him. That is the secret to survival.

He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty (Ps. 91:1; NKJV).

Interactive Testimony

Donna Gaines is married to Dr. Steve Gaines, pastor of the Bellevue Baptist Church in Cordova, Tennessee. In addition to her roles as wife and pastor’s wife, she’s also a mother, grandmother, and author. Donna is a woman of the Word, prayer, and great faith to see God move in all areas of her life. I believe that whatever conversation Donna and I have had through the years, on many different subjects, Donna always seems to bring the conversation back to God’s working in her life — whether it’s a son coming back to God after a season of rebellion, the blessing of the birth of a grandchild, or struggles in ministry that we all experience. In Donna’s book There’s Gotta Be More![2] she shares about the Spirit-filled life. Without a doubt, the reason that Donna is able to walk in ministry not only surviving, but thriving, is because of her personal walk with Christ. Donna has been a blessing to my life for a number of years now, and I can’t think of a better woman of God to share her thoughts on “dwelling in the secret place.”

Jeana: When did you realize the importance of “dwelling in the secret place”?

Donna: In college the Lord ignited a passion in my heart to know Him. I began to search the Scriptures and observe people. In our first pastorate there were two women who walked with God at a level I had never experienced. It was through their vibrant prayer lives that I began to understand not only the significance of communing with God through prayer, but that prayer and God’s Word were the lifelines for living the Christian life.

Jeana: What brought you to know that without that personal designated daily time with God, you wouldn’t survive?

Donna: You don’t have to be in ministry very long before you realize how inadequate you are for the task. As I continued to grow in my relationship with the Lord, I realized the significance of living life “in the Spirit.” I also realized that it was impossible to be filled with the Spirit and the flesh at the same time. I had to take the words of Christ seriously and die daily to my flesh. It is in offering myself to the Lord as a living sacrifice on a daily basis that He is able to fill me and use me for His glory. Then as I spend time sitting at the feet of my Lord, He gives life and wisdom. I long to be like Mary of Bethany, who chose to sit at the feet of Jesus and listen to His words. Jesus said she had chosen the “good part, which will not be taken away from her” (Luke 10:42; NKJV).

Jeana: How has your personal walk with Christ (habitually residing in the “secret place”) benefitted your husband’s ministry?

Donna: It is through daily deposits into your spirit that you are strengthened in your inner man. God’s ways are not our ways, nor are His thoughts our thoughts. The only way I can be in tune with Him is through spending time with Him in His Word and prayer. Then when the crisis hits, or the difficulty in ministry arises, your stronghold is the Lord. You find that He truly is your refuge and that He will sustain you as you walk through any valley. During a dark time in our own ministry, the Lord used His Word to enable me to encourage my husband. Immersing yourself in the Word of God by systematically reading, memorizing, and meditating upon it is what grants you God’s perspective. It is a constant reminder that this life is not about us — it is His story — and in His grace and mercy He has chosen to write us in. I am to simply “dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness” (Ps. 37:3; NASB) wherever He places me.

Jeana: As a minister’s wife, what advice would you give other ministers’ wives about making their time in the “secret place” a priority in their lives?

Donna: As ministers’ wives we are called upon to care for, pray with, and counsel many in our congregations. We are woefully inadequate apart from the Lord. We must rely upon His wisdom that is imparted through His Word and prayer. My advice would be to have a place and a time that you meet with the Lord every day. Prepare the place. None of us would think about going to an appointment late or unprepared. Do not miss your appointment with the Almighty. It will initially be a choice of the will that will turn into a relationship that you will value above all others! Your special place will become a holy place. From that place you will go out filled with His Spirit, having had your perspective adjusted and able to more accurately reflect Christ to your family and a lost world.

Endnotes

1. Sarah Young, Nearer to Jesus (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Inc., 2008), p. 30.

2. Donna Gaines, There’s Gotta Be More! (Nashville, TN: B&H Pub. Group, 2008).

REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE

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Have you ever thought of how your life would be different if you were no longer the pastor’s or minister’s wife? I have a very good friend who was forced to come to grips with that question of “Who are you?” Her husband was the pastor of a large church in Denver, and on a family vacation she lost him suddenly in a tragic automobile accident. Suddenly she was no longer a pastor’s wife. That loss drastically changed her life and stripped her of some of her most beloved titles, but it did not change her identity in Christ or His purpose for her life. This is a part of Kathy Ferguson’s story:

The day I lost Rick Ferguson, life as I knew it was changed in an instant. In the midst of deep grief I began to face life-altering changes of epic proportion. Among those changes was the loss of the role as pastor’s wife. Few vocations involve and include a wife as much as the ministry.

Suddenly upon my widowhood I was forced to look at “who would I be.” It was clear I would no longer stand in the foyer and receive guests each Sunday, but now I was forced to look at how I would play out the spiritual values I claimed to believe. What had my motives been in my life as “minister’s wife”?

Much of the way I exercised my faith, my calling, my gifts, and my service to the Kingdom of God was intertwined in my husband’s position and our place in the local church to which we were called together. Clearly I would continue to be a woman who wanted to invest in the Kingdom of God in a local church but no longer beside my pastor husband. Less clear to me in those early days was how I would now walk it all out. Yet the loss of the title “pastor’s wife” in no way meant that I would cease to have callings and responsibilities as a woman of faith.

Being a pastor’s wife had identified my life. Yes, I was often identified as “Dr. Rick Ferguson’s wife.” I mourned the loss of being identified with the man I loved and loved serving beside. Yet, I discovered that role did not have to be my entire identity. My core identity was in Christ and in the way He called me and empowered me to serve in His Kingdom. For 26 years I had done that in a local church serving alongside my husband. That role provided me a venue to work out my faith and serve the Kingdom of God. Upon the loss of that role, in time I discovered that I would work out my faith and service in other venues — immediately in the unwanted venue of widowed, single parent, then in the corporate world in a major city center and then later on a church staff. While the venue changed, these things did not: depending on God, walking in obedience, yielding to the Spirit, loving and serving people, looking for opportunities to share Christ, engaging a local church, and being warm and encouraging to those around you. Those features ought to mark our lives in whatever venue God places us. And He expects that of His children who are serious about glorifying Him with their lives. Ministry is not the motive; glorifying His name is the motive.

In the months and years to come God would give me grace in grief as well as give me surprising clarity of purpose despite the dramatic lifestyle changes. Those changes even served to purify my motives concerning ministry and work in the Kingdom of God. Yes, my roles changed. Nothing in my life looked the same. Instead of leading and teaching a large Sunday morning Bible study opportunity, I found myself in a small group of mostly working single women, not teaching or leading but attending. My place in corporate worship services was no longer at the front supporting my husband in the pulpit but now alone, single and anonymously tucked away in a crowd. As painful as these changes were, I slowly began to discover that God still had great purposes in my life and He still expected me to serve and lead, just no longer as Rick Ferguson’s wife.

God in no way meant for me to be sidelined because I was no longer a pastor’s wife. The landscape would be entirely different, but my purpose as a believer to help advance the gospel was not changed. In fact, I suspect because of purified motives, a more tender heart, and a faith made more precious by trials, God may have allowed me to become more useful for the sake of the gospel. I understood that I was alone going to be responsible for the stewardship of my life — no matter what the landscape God allowed for me either as pastor’s wife or widowed single mom. The last message Rick relayed in an email to our eldest son ended with this admonition: “Stay faithful no matter what.” I want to live that no matter what role He chooses for me.

Kathy Ferguson’s life was changed in an instant, but Kathy’s life has recently led her back to being a pastor’s wife again, as she married Ed Litton, who had also lost his spouse tragically. As Kathy re-enters the world of being the “pastor’s wife,” here are some of her thoughts:

Just as unexpectedly as my role ended as a pastor’s wife to Rick Ferguson, God unexpectedly brought another pastor husband into my life. After seven years of singleness I find myself today fulfilling the familiar role as pastor’s wife once again in marrying Ed Litton. My season spent in widowhood and serving God alone not tied to the title “pastor’s wife” gives me greater understanding that my identity will always remain grounded in Christ and His purpose for my life. Whether married or not, wherever God’s pathway may take me I am responsible to serve Him and glorify His name. And in God’s chosen pathway for our lives His grace is sufficient for that calling …no matter what the calling is.

For many minsters’ wives, it can be hard to separate the issue of who you are in Christ and who you are married to and what he does for a living.

In 30-plus years of ministry with my husband Ronnie, I have had the opportunity to observe many wives of ministers. Some of these have been on our staff and others have served elsewhere. These women have come from different backgrounds, some religious, others from completely non-religious roots. Some felt called to marry a minister while others married men already in the business world, later called to ministry life. They are young, old, and middle-aged. They come in all sizes and shapes with different personalities and gift mixes. But there remains a common thread among these women: they are all married to a man in ministry.

Who are you? Are you comfortable in your “ministry-induced skin”? It has been a personal challenge of mine to love unconditionally the uniqueness of the ministry staff wives who have served with us through the years, appreciating the differences, but always challenging them toward a common goal — loving God, loving His Church, and loving His man in ministry.

After all these years of observation and experience, I have come to a conclusion about men and women in ministry: unhappy men are usually married to unhappy women. And many times, ministry tenure is short. I believe much unhappiness in ministry, especially on the wives’ part, comes from “spiritual identity recognition.”

Who do you think you are? We’ve all asked that question when we’ve perceived another person as being haughty or arrogant, but I want you to stop for a moment and answer that question completely and honestly. Who are you? Who do you think you are?

In addition to being a minister’s wife, you wear many titles or labels. You may be mother, teacher, hostess, administrator, nurse, counselor, taxi driver, financial expert, maintenance engineer, and home manager. All of these things are a part of your identity, but none of them, including minister’s wife, defines who you are.

Does your role as a minister’s wife consume you to the point where you can’t even imagine being separate from that identity? I recently heard someone in a business setting propose this question: “Who would you be if you left your position tomorrow?” If that question were proposed to you as a minister’s wife, how would you answer it?

In order for you to be the best and most effective minister’s wife you can be, you must grasp who you are — separate from anyone else and complete in Christ. While your role as a minister’s wife is an important part of your identity, it is only a part your identity.

More important than who you think you are is how God sees you. Who does God say you are?

You Are God’s Unique Creation

There is no one in the universe exactly like you. You have unique talents and gifts bestowed on you by God, and no one can fulfill His purpose for you except you. Psalm 33:15 says, “He made their hearts, so he understands everything they do.” The New King James translation says, “He fashions their hearts individually.” You can’t get much more individual attention from the Creator than that! So why would we question or doubt being a special and unique creation of God? And how can that not influence the way we see ourselves as HIS creation? Consider this: What is unique about you that makes you the perfect companion to your husband? To answer that is not vanity but searching your soul and recognizing how truly unique God has made you even down to the spouse He has chosen for you to spend your life with. In God’s sovereignty, He has chosen you to be your husband’s helpmeet and walk beside him in ministry!

I have been blessed these many years in ministry by the uniqueness of the couples on our staff team. I am amazed to see God work at bringing two people together here on earth to fulfill His will in their lives. I’ve seen couples that come from diverse backgrounds marry and be very effective for the Kingdom. I’ve seen couples who were saved later in life have enormous influence for Christ. I’ve seen couples enter ministry life after spending years in a secular profession. I’ve seen young couples surrender their lives totally, and older couples who have given all of their lives to ministry. In each of these situations, there is a very unique wife in that couple situation, a wife that is God’s unique creation, intended to walk by the side of her man in ministry.

One of the most fun things about taking our staff on an annual retreat is that we get to spend concentrated time together — we really get to know one another — and I am always amazed, challenged, and encouraged to spend time with those precious ladies and learn about their “uniqueness.” As I see these women devote time and energy to ministry life, I have seen how God’s unique design is so “customized” in who He has led them to marry, the children He chooses to give them, the specific areas of ministry that He calls them to, and even the challenges that come to each of us from time to time. Truly being one of God’s unique creations should liberate us and cause us to “know ourselves” and become all that God wants us to be! What a beautiful plan from God for our benefit — if we will just wholly submit our wills and lives to His plan. God only wants us to be what He’s equipped us for — each with unique gifts and talents.

Recognize that God didn’t just do that for Ronnie and Jeana Floyd. God did that for you, His unique creation, and your spouse, His unique couple! What an awesome recognition of God working on our lives. I believe if you will look at your life in ministry and your life with your spouse in this way, it will give you a fresh look at being God’s unique creation and how He can use this in your lives together as you serve Him.

You Are God’s Chosen Creation

Jesus said, “You did not choose me, but I chose you . . .” (John 15:16; HCSB). God chose you to be His child, and He chose you to walk alongside your husband in ministry. You are not in the position you are in by chance. You are who you are and where you are because God ordained it to be so. He could have chosen someone else to gift with your talents. He could have called another woman to be your husband’s helpmate, but He, in His divine wisdom, chose you.

I feel very blessed to have been called by God. I know that within that calling to salvation, He also chose Ronnie to be my husband and for me to be a part of his life and ministry. I would encourage you to think of yourself as blessed to be a minister’s wife — you are chosen and special in the eyes of God. “You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed” (Ps. 139:16).

You Are God’s Gifted Creation

In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well (Rom. 12:6).

God has given me the gifts I need to fulfill my calling as wife, mother, friend, etc., in the manner that pleases Him. You have been given the perfect gifts for you — gifts that magnify the Lord through your life and ministry. No one else in the body of Christ can do what God has called and gifted you to do. You are God’s gifted creation, not because of who your husband is, but because God has gifted you with spiritual gifts to be used for His glory. If suddenly you were no longer a minister’s wife, you would still have the opportunity to fulfill your purpose based on the spiritual gifts He gave to you. As the verse in Romans goes on to instruct, “You have the gifts, now use them.”

If you haven’t identified your spiritual gifts, I would encourage you to take a spiritual gifts inventory test and discover them. A website that you can go to and take a test is www.uniquelyyou.com. Once you realize what your gifts are, you will understand why you are more fulfilled when you operate within those gifts. It also adds to great happiness to operate within your God-given giftedness, and, of course, it’s a huge plus in ministry life!

Knowing the spiritual gifts that God has blessed you with is very important. Not only that, knowing your spiritual gifts will help you to understand the way you will respond in situations.

For example, one of my spiritual gifts is mercy. This is evident in the ministries I have been involved in throughout the years — for example, cancer support groups, jail ministry, etc. It is because of my gift of mercy that God draws my heart to ministries that help people in difficult and heartbreaking circumstances. As well, my gift of mercy kicks in at times when a strong prophetic voice needs to be heard. Hence, my comment in a later chapter to “let the men be the men.” This is so clear to me, God’s uniqueness in creating us, and then placing us with our particular spouse. My spiritual gifts and Ronnie’s spiritual gifts are at opposite ends. In essence, our spiritual gifts balance and complement one another. Do you think that is by coincidence?

God Called You, Too

I believe that as ministers’ wives we should all take time to reflect on the amazing call of God on our husbands’ lives. What I would like for you to realize, as I have, is that we are called into the ministry, too, when we marry a minister.

My precious daughter-in-law Meredith felt that God had called her to missions. She has told me that she fully expected to be living somewhere in Africa in a hut. When Meredith contemplated being my son Nick’s wife, she struggled with whether she was abandoning her call from God. As she worked through this issue, Meredith came to realize that she was not abandoning her call. Meredith came to the spiritual conclusion that “missions” was a good thing — something she was passionate about and still is — but her call was definitely to be Nick’s wife and to be open to wherever God might lead them. Nick very wisely pointed out to her that, as his wife (he feels called to be a pastor), she would be answering her call to missions, though she might not serve in a foreign country or live in a hut.

I never felt called into the ministry as Meredith did, but I did feel called to be Ronnie’s wife. Therefore, regardless of whether you felt a distinct call to ministry, or a call to marry your husband, you were indirectly called to the ministry. That doesn’t make your calling less than your husband’s, nor does it make your calling as a Christian less important. In fact, it shows God’s perfect plan in the mate He chose for you and the purpose of your life. Gary Thomas makes the following point in his book Sacred Influence: “There is unique glory in both sexes — men and women aren’t the same, but they are equal in God’s eyes. God gives you the opportunity to define yourself, not in defiance to your husband, but in a way that complements your marriage and blesses your husband.”[1]

There is another very powerful quote in that book that I want you to remember: “God, not your marital status or the condition of your marriage, defines your life.”

The author makes the above statement plus adds that “as a woman, you need to understand the glory of being a woman made in God’s image; experience the strength you have as the recipient of His Holy Spirit; and find refuge in the worth and purpose you have as His daughter.” None of these things are determined by the position of your husband in ministry. When you are secure in who you are in Christ and His plan for you personally, you can rest in His will for you and His special calling for you as a minister’s wife. Remember, the most important thing is to know who you are in Christ.

Knowing who you are in Christ will sustain you when the difficult times in ministry come, and I can guarantee they will.

Knowing who you are in Christ solidifies your own personal calling to ministry, whether you feel called specifically to ministry or to your husband.

Knowing who you are in Christ liberates you to walk and exercise your giftedness.

Knowing who you are in Christ assures you of your uniqueness as His creation.

Accept the identity that has been given to you in God’s creation and Word. You are a woman of influence whether you regard yourself as that or not. God has placed you with your husband in this position at this time to be an “influencer.” It has nothing to do with age or sex, but with yielding ourselves wholly and completely to God to be used in whatever venues, circumstances, or opportunities God brings our way.

I don’t know about you, but knowing who I am in Christ makes sense of everything in ministry. From who I am (His unique creation), to what I do (His calling on my life), to how I do it (the spiritual gifts He has blessed me with) …and the very special blessing of who I get to do ministry life with — my husband.

Interactive Testimony

It is somewhat unusual that we have had the blessing of serving with a couple on our staff more than once. Shawn and Tracey Smith began their married life with us, left to go and serve in some other church ministries, and in time, the Lord brought them back to be on our staff team once again! Shawn serves as our Springdale campus and multi-site pastor. Because of this unique situation, I have seen this wife, Tracey, grow as a “staff wife” in incredible ways, from being a newlywed — fresh in ministry — to a seasoned and godly woman who challenges the socks off of me! I will never forget the first staff retreat that Tracey attended. I was flippantly spouting off the term “staff wife this, and staff wife that” when she raised her hand and asked me this question, “Miss Jeana, exactly what is a staff wife?” It made me stop and think about the terminology used — taking for granted that everyone understood what it meant to be a “staff wife.” I realized there was some lack of understanding of the expectations that came with the role of this very young and very inexperienced “staff wife.” I’ll never forget that. Read these words from Tracey, as I asked her the following questions.

Jeana: Since that day that you raised your hand in sheer naivety and innocence and asked that question, “Just what is a staff wife?” how has your comprehension and understanding of what it means to be a “staff wife” changed from those early days to now — having served now for 19 years in ministry by your husband’s side?

Tracey: My comprehension and understanding of what a staff wife is has changed dramatically since I asked that question almost 19 years ago. My focus and understanding at the age of 23 was completely based on what a staff wife “does.” My perspective was strictly performance driven. “Women watch women.” As a young wife with little church experience, I was watching and listening very carefully to every staff wife I knew. Every wife I knew dressed, talked, and acted differently. They were all involved in different things. Yet they all seemed to have a singular understanding and confidence in wearing the title of “staff wife.” I constantly compared myself to others. I had no idea how to make a napkin ring, speak to a group of ladies, lead a Bible study, put together a budget, shop for bargains, look like a million dollars, host a party or shower for 100 or more — the list was endless and so were my tears.

I asked that question in desperation. You answered my question that day by sharing many of the things you wrote in this chapter. You told me I was unique, chosen, gifted, and called by God. You didn’t use those exact words at the time but the message was the same. It is not about what I did but about who I was. I had never really looked at myself before from this perspective. The confidence I saw in the women around me came from their understanding of this. I had memorized 2 Corinthians 3:4–6 for a Bible study in college. The chapter and verses became a standard for my identity first in Christ and then as a staff wife. The verse states: “Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant — not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the spirit gives life.” Verse 17 says, “And where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom” (NIV). God wanted me to see this truth and to base my identity in His Word. My choice to do this completely changed my understanding of “who a staff wife is.”

Jeana: Has your identity as a staff wife been a positive thing?

Tracey: My identity as a staff wife has been a positive thing. We have served in several churches in different places. In 19 years there have been many expectations, opinions, and opportunities presented to me by a variety of people and circumstances. It did not take me long to realize that all of these often change and at times even contradict each other. It is because I wrestled with the question of “who a staff wife was” that I can say that though not everything experienced has been positive, my identity has not changed. God has used every experience for His glory and His good. This, thankfully, is always a positive thing.

Jeana: How do you separate your identity in Christ from your identity as a staff wife?

Tracey: I keep the two identities separate by looking to God’s Word. God is so good to give us many verses about who we are in Christ. I have read, studied, and memorized many of these. I have looked to His Word to examine women of the Bible to see how they responded, served, and struggled. It took me awhile to learn that if I tried to look anywhere else other than the Lord for my identity that I would be confused and frustrated.

My identity as a staff wife is built on this understanding. Who I am in Christ will be intertwined with who I am as a staff wife, friend, mother, daughter, or any role I am given. My identity in these roles constantly changes, while who I am in Christ remains steadfast. It allows me great freedom to admit failures, say no, and try new things while all along standing on this strong foundation. The circumstance and seasons I am asked to serve in through these roles also change. Some are difficult and others are great fun! I pray often about all of these.

Jeana: What changes have taken place as you have grown and matured in your Christian walk as well as a staff wife?

Tracey: My perspective and understanding have changed greatly as I have matured in my walk with Christ and as I have continued in my role as a staff wife. It has affected every area listed below.

I still watch women, but for an entirely different reason. My primary purpose is no longer to compare myself or rate my performance. It is to encourage and affirm others so that they can be confidant in who they are in Him. I confess that I do not always succeed in this. It is my nature to compare, etc. I am thankful to be His work in progress.

I have learned to filter all things through His Word. This has helped in what I would deem life’s greatest storms and in the countless little things of daily life and ministry.

I have learned to filter all things through my husband, our marriage, and our season of life. I am a wife. I simply can’t just consider myself. This will at times define what I can and can’t do.

I have grown in my talents and gifts. I can even do most all of the things listed above and even a few more.

Last, and I think most importantly, I have learned to be grateful for the title of “staff” in front of wife. There is no greater joy than to be married to a minister. My husband is called to serve a sovereign God. He is charged to reach the world for Christ and to impact the present for eternity. He has the opportunity to touch others’ lives for Christ. I am called to serve him and with him. What a privilege! There are so many people I have had the opportunity to serve because of this role. There are so many lessons I have learned because of places we have served, but there is only one man I have had the opportunity to be married to for 19 years. May God continue to grow and mature me for this task as a minister’s wife.

Endnotes

1. Gary Thomas, Sacred Influence (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2006), p. 21.

IT AIN’T THAT HARD

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What I am about to say might seem a contradiction to the chapter title. Ministry is more complicated today than ever before. Even as recently as five years ago, the way we do “church” has changed drastically. People’s commitment to church has changed. The methods we use to reach people have changed. No longer is “church” the main thing — it’s just “one more thing,” sad to say.

But there are some basics in ministry life that I believe are timeless. These basics of ministry life are what will keep you on the right path. We can’t make it harder than it is, because really and truly, “It ain’t that hard!” I am fully aware that “ain’t” is not grammatically correct — but it so aptly explains how I feel about the content of this chapter and is a phrase coined by a friend and myself as we were discussing ministry life!

I want to share some things with you that I believe are basics to ministry life. I’m not saying these will make or break your success in ministry, but I do believe all are helpful and biblical and will only serve to help you survive and thrive in the life that God has called you into.

Walk with Christ

You must have a personal walk with Christ. I’ve already discussed this in great depth in the first chapter, so I won’t go into more detail on that point, but will just re-emphasize the importance of that aspect in personal and ministry life. Our walk with Christ will determine our attitude toward conflict, problems, and even joyful times. Good times and bad times are all “Father filtered,” even when we don’t understand or can’t make sense of it. Your walk with Christ will not guard you from problems, but will determine your attitudes toward them and should definitely influence your actions. This applies to every area of your life. From church issues, to family issues, to whatever, Christ is your salvation, not just eternally, but daily.

This Scripture really covers it all if we take it to heart: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength” (Deut. 6:5; NIV).

Presence

Our church families need to see our “presence.” Consistent presence speaks volumes to our people. Whether you are a “speaker/teacher type” or a “behind-the-scenes” kind of wife, your “presence” sends a message to others. Your presence at church functions sends a message to others. It says, “This is important to me.” If we really believe in what we do, we must recognize “presence” as important. If “presence” is not important, then why do we have high attendance days? Or why do our husbands become discouraged on bad weather Sundays or summer slumps? It’s because presence does matter.

Most importantly, it is essential for our own personal walk with Christ. Consistent “presence” says to others, “This is important to me because I need to be with God’s people, be under His Word, worship, and to grow together.” In most of our churches, there are many ministry options that are offered. That plus the weekly corporate worship experiences offer many opportunities for “presence.” Like it or not, people are watching us and watching our families. I don’t think people in our congregations expect perfection, but they do expect us to “be there.” They are looking at us to see how we make this life work — what source we draw from! This isn’t something we only do for others, it is Christ’s command for us. The church of today is much more forgiving, accepting, and has fewer expectations for ministers’ families. Believe me, I know — it’s the only life I’ve ever lived. But in all these years of ministry, one of the things that has never changed is the expectation of “presence.” “Presence” on our part is living out with our life what we say we believe in and what we expect from our members. Just be there — “it ain’t that hard!”

Love One Another

Treat others the way you want to be treated. This is a simple command that most of us know, but oh so powerful as we carry out the purpose of the Church. We all learned the Golden Rule as children: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” That sounds easy from a child’s point of view but is not always easy to carry out in the true sense of meaning. Does treating others the way you want to be treated guarantee you’ll always be treated equally as well? Not at all, but it is the right thing to do regardless of how others treat you. The world is screaming to see a picture of authentic love between married couples — that’s us — church staff — that’s us, too — and love for Christ — and oh, that would be us, too! How much more should we as ministers’ wives practice this simple, childlike principle of loving one another whether it be your husband, your fellow staff members and their wives, or someone in your church! They need to see that we as a staff love one another, we love people, and we love Christ’s Church. I am sure that most of you have heard that one of the greatest things a man can do for his children is to love their mother. As well, I think one of the healthiest things a church family can see is your staff team loving one another. It is most important that we lead the way in our love for Christ and love for one another in our personal and daily walks. Our congregations are watching us and searching for “how to do life.” Practice loving one another as a couple, as a staff, and as the church family. It ain’t that hard!

Therefore, whatever you want others to do for you, do also the same for them — this is the Law and the Prophets (Matt. 7:12; HCSB).

Acknowledge Others

In Susie Hawkins’ book to ministers’ wives (From One Ministry Wife to Another) she makes this statement: “Recognition involves respecting the dignity and equal worth of every person and valuing their contributions…. Perhaps just being purposeful in noticing others and making the effort to acknowledge them is more significant than we realize.”[1] We must never forget the power of giving ourselves away to others. When we simply take the time to acknowledge others — taking the time to speak, to touch, to care for others — we give ourselves away.

It really is “more blessed to give than to receive.” You are in ministry because God called you to your husband. Regardless of whether you feel personally called, your husband obviously is; therefore, it is critical that you be willing to give yourself away to others. Don’t make that harder than it is, just be willing. There are no prerequisites to do this — just get beyond yourself. God places each of us in different circles of influence, and He does that on purpose — so that we can have the opportunity to touch a lot of people. Don’t allow personal insecurities to keep you from this. You would be amazed to know that people in your congregation really want to know you, to glean from you, to learn from you, or just have a relationship with you. You don’t have to be “something” — just be yourself. One thing my mother, who was a minster’s wife for over 50 years, taught me was just to be myself. Great advice. Just be yourself. It ain’t that hard. Are there boundaries? Definitely. We will discuss that in greater detail in chapter 9. But giving yourself away with wisdom will always bring blessings on your life. It is a spiritual principle of giving and receiving. Christ is the one who calls us to give to others following His example of the greatest sacrifice on behalf of others. There will never come a time — regardless of how church changes or the way we do it — that acknowledging others, touching people, or giving ourselves away will ever become obsolete.

This is an area that is easy to withdraw from. Sometimes it’s just easier to live our lives separately from our church members. At times, that can get “messy,” but we also miss out on the blessings of relationships, plus, we are not called to “ourselves” but to “others” and to be active followers of Christ, encouraging one another and being available to reach out to others. Living the “me” life only leads to wanting more time for “me.” I challenge you to take on the call of giving yourself away to others — find creative ways to do that. As a ministry wife, you must be more conscious of this as you give yourself away. Use the opportunity when you are at church functions to mingle with many and not just a chosen few. Your visible presence to “others” will speak volumes to your church family. Just acknowledge others — “it ain’t that hard.”

Love Your Husbands

Last but not least, love your husbands. I will go into greater depth in the next chapter, but there is not a greater example of influence you can have before others in today’s world than having a strong, loving, submissive love relationship with your husband. This world is crying out to see this example, and even the Church is crying out to see this example. It is a very powerful picture before our world to see a couple in ministry united in love and focus for the Church of God.

You don’t have to have it all together and have a perfect marriage. That will never happen. Marriage is a journey and a pilgrimage. Marriage is learning and growing and changing. When you stop — that’s when you are in trouble. Usually when you stop working on your marriage, it’s because you’ve stopped caring about your marriage.

Spoil your husbands, not your children! Husbands easily get lost in the priority list when small children are involved. Children will always demand attention, and husbands are forced to or choose to take a back seat to the demands of the children. Although normal for that season of life with young children, be intentional about not neglecting your husband. Be aware of and sensitive to his needs above your children. This may be another one of those areas that makes you say, “That’s hard,” rather than “It ain’t that hard” …but you must continually work to give your husband his rightful place in your heart and in your home.

I could sum up this chapter by saying these three things:

Love God.

Love the body of Christ.

Love your husband.

The above things are timeless, regardless of how ministry changes or where you are serving. They will not waver with time regardless of what kind of services you have, where you have them, what time they meet, or who is leading them. But people will always be influenced with our presence because it says it’s important to you and it should be important to them. Acknowledging others and making others feel worthy of your recognition, time, and attention will never grow old. It’s basic to human life and nature. And God’s command to love one another, and especially to show love for our husbands, is vital to ministry — there is no option here. We must be intentional in our love for one another in our marriages, our relationships with our church staff, and our love for Christ.

So even though these are very basic, they are timeless and unchanging. Make an intentional effort to walk with Christ daily, practice presence, acknowledge others, and love one another.

Interactive Testimony

The phrase “It ain’t that hard” was literally coined with my dear friend Susie Hawkins in conversation over ministry life. We are two gals who have loved being pastors’ wives, although Susie’s husband, Dr. O.S. Hawkins, now serves as the head of Guidestone Financial Resources of the Southern Baptist Convention. O.S. and Susie have two grown daughters married to fine young men, and five precious grandchildren. I mentioned Susie’s book earlier in this chapter, and I applaud everything she said in From One Ministry Wife to Another. Susie was a pastor’s wife for 30 years. We both feel that the positives far outweigh the negatives and decided that sometimes we complicate ministry ourselves, because “it ain’t that hard.”

Jeana: What are some things that ministers’ wives do that makes ministry “hard” when it doesn’t have to be? And what would be your remedy for it?

Susie: Ministry brings enough challenges without us creating extra ones! In answer to your question, first I think that we might need to look at the expectations we have for ourselves. Sometimes we, as pastors’ wives, feel that we must live up to every church member’s expectations, or we must at least be like the pastor’s wife who came before us (and, of course, she was just perfect and so wonderful!). Most people are content with you “being yourself” and just want to know that you really care for them. Let go of all that and don’t fall into the comparison trap. If we compare ourselves to others, we always end up feeling inferior. And that doesn’t help anyone!

I also think that sometimes we feel like we must have “all the answers” — whether it is a biblical question, in a counseling situation, or even regarding decisions that are made regarding church policy or business. There is nothing shameful about saying to someone, “I don’t know the exact answer to your question, but I will do my best to find out.” Or referring the question to someone else can also be a wise thing to do. We don’t have to know everything. It’s not that hard to say, “That is a good question and I will do my best to find the answer, or someone who knows the answer for you.”

Jeana: What are some practical ways that you made yourself “personal” to your congregations?

Susie: I really believe that church services afford the best opportunity for “spreading cheer and goodwill”! Taking the time to be a few minutes early and speak to people, or visiting with church members after a service doesn’t sound like anything particularly spiritual or clever. However, it shows that you care about your people, that you are interested in their lives, and that you actually like them! Also, making a call or sending an email or a note to someone who is hurting can be such an encouragement. At those times I always remind myself that it’s a small thing for me to jot a note or an e-mail — it just takes a few minutes. But it may be just the thing the recipient needs to feel comforted or noticed — and that’s a big thing! I know how “big” it is, because I know how I feel when I am down and receive unexpected encouragement from someone. These small acts send big messages. Bottom line: it’s not that hard to speak to people and at least act as if you care about them!

Jeana: Did you practice “presence” when you were a pastor’s wife? How did that speak to your congregations?

Susie: I feel it is very important for staff wives to be present at church services. It’s a principle of leadership — if your husband wants your church members to be faithful in church attendance, then his family must lead the way. You can’t ask others to do something that you are not willing to do. I also believe that wives need to sense the direction of the church, which is only possible when they listen to their husbands’ messages and participate in corporate worship. Don’t underestimate the importance of your visibility — it sends the message that “I believe our church service is important! And I don’t want to miss it!” It’s not that hard to attend church services and pay attention to what is happening. Everyone else does.

Jeana: Why would it be important for the pastor and his wife to present a true picture of love and respect, united in focus for the ministry of the church?

Susie: First of all, every Christian marriage is a picture of Christ and the Church. But second, the couple that serves a church should be a picture of love and unity, as a positive example of those whose lives have been committed to Christ. Like it or not, people watch us. Our mutual respect for one another is also a picture of the shared call of ministry of a husband and wife. As one in Christ, we serve together, complementing each other, using our gifts and opportunities to further the Kingdom.

Jeana: When you were a pastor’s wife, what things did you make sure you did to make your husband’s ministry easier on him?

Susie: The wife’s unique role gives us an idea about how this question can be answered. Concentrate on doing things for him that only you can do — planning social outings, family gatherings, sensing when you need to have time together alone, helping him find time to rest and regroup, and meeting his physical and emotional needs. Surely a wife knows best how to pray for her husband, what his dreams and heartaches are, and the decisions that are weighing heavily on his mind. There are always others who can help in the various ministries of the church, but our first priority should be meeting his needs in the way that only a wife can! Now some of this can be challenging at times, but it is our joy to love our husbands and serve the Lord with them!

Endnotes

1. Susie Hawkins, From One Ministry Wife to Another (Chicago, IL: Moody Publishers, 2009), p96.

LOVE THE MAN YOU MARRIED

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Remember how tender your heart was toward your husband when you were dating or you first got married? There is a reason you married your husband. At some point, you were drawn to your husband. What was that? Was it his looks? Personality? Was it his enthusiasm for life or his humor? His love for Christ? You treasured every minute you could spend with him. You also had the ability to overlook many of his faults because you were so in love with him and wanted to give him your heart totally!

Recognize the difference between saying 'I love you’ and 'I’m in love with you.’ 'I love you’ means I choose to love you. 'I’m in love with you’ means I think about you, talk about you, want to be with you.” Ministry marriages need both — the deliberate choice and the “I can’t help myself.” Let your husband know you are “in love” with him.

Give some thought to what attracted you to your husband in the very beginning. As we enter ministry after marriage, sometimes it is easy to forget those things that attracted us to our husbands in the beginning.

I want to challenge you to consider this thinking: Your Husband, Your Treasure. A treasure is something of great value to us, something we cherish, appreciate, and hold in high esteem. Could you say that about your husband? As women, we more naturally treat our treasures with tenderness. Do you treat your husband with tenderness?

Why should we treasure our husbands? Or maybe the more difficult question for ministers’ wives might be, Why don’t I treasure my husband?

You may not consider your husband your treasure for a myriad of reasons. Maybe you are angry or bitter over past hurts that have not been resolved. Maybe you married a man who was not in ministry at that time, and that was not a part of your lifetime plan. Maybe you feel resentment over unmet needs or unforgiveness in marriage or ministry life. Sad to say, some women — yes, even ministry wives — may not see their husbands as “worthy,” much less “treasures.” If reading any of the above struck a nerve with you, you may need to take a spiritual inventory personally. Some reading this chapter will need to deal with their attitudes toward their husbands. Some of you need healing for very real hurts in your marriage, and most of the time our effectiveness in leading others is often diminished because of our own personal issues. We become our own sabotage when we do this! Deal with these issues — and if necessary, get wise spiritual counsel.

The bottom line is, we cannot be what we need to be until we truly see our husband, the man we married, as a treasure — a treasure to us, to our families, and most of all to God. Let your attitude toward your husband be such that it will be an honor to God first of all, which is in turn an honor to your husband.

A Scripture that I love to remind our staff wives of is Proverbs 31:11–12: “Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.”

Could your husband say the above Scripture is true about your life? Exactly how can you show your husband — the man you chose to marry — that he is your treasure?

One of the most obvious ways to show your husband he is your treasure is with your mouth. What comes out of our mouths can either build up or tear down our marriages.

A wise woman named Barbara O’Chester, wife of Dr. Harold O’Chester, who served as a pastor’s wife and influenced my life greatly, taught me this principle, “Never dishonor your husband in public.” As I have lived many years as a pastor’s wife and observed women who have demeaned their husbands, I have seen the great damage that can be done. When you dishonor your minister husband in public, you risk diminishing the respect due him from others, and you also diminish your own personal respect from them.

Refrain from emasculating your husband publicly or privately. We’ve seen that visualized before us in many ways. Our world does not applaud a “quiet and submissive wife.” This is commonly seen in movies, television shows, and magazines, just to name a few. Unfortunately, we have all known ministers’ wives and laywomen who emasculated their husbands over and over, and eventually it will take a toll on a marriage. I feel so strongly on this point that I am embarrassed for a woman who demeans her husband in front of others. Little does she realize the damage she is doing to her marriage. Equally as damaging, a woman who dishonors her husband in private will pay desperately with her personal relationships with her children and husband.

An extremely sad situation was played out before our eyes in the reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8. I would not by any means pass judgment on either of these two individuals. Only those two people truly know the details of their life and marriage. I do believe that we can learn much from their situation, and because it was a top news story for many weeks, I took note of Jon’s response about his new relationship. In the interview following the divorce, Jon states that his new “love” encourages and respects him. Doesn’t that sound like a familiar biblical challenge for wives — to love, honor, and respect her husband? Here we have a man on secular national television telling what he really desires from a woman. Maybe that is a message that would come from all husbands regarding their desired respect from their wives.

James 3:8–11 is probably familiar to you, but let’s review the importance of this Scripture in reference to our tongues and the damage it can do: “But no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men who are made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers [sisters], these things should not be this way. Does a spring pour out sweet and bitter water from the same opening?” (HCSB).

James 3:13 gives us some great advice: “Who is wise and understanding among you? He should show his works by good conduct with wisdom’s gentleness” (HCSB). Don’t we all want to be known as wise and understanding women? Good conduct and gentleness go a long way in accomplishing God’s purpose for us as well as helping us be what we need to be to our husbands.

You may be embittered toward your husband. There could be a number of reasons, and you may even feel justified. Sometimes the bitterness has nothing to do with your husband and his ministry but is about the past and your inability to deal with it. Either one can become your “whipping post.” We punish our husbands by holding back a part of ourselves, whether it is physically or emotionally, or making ministry life miserable for him.

What’s in your heart will eventually come out of your mouth. You may be able to hold it in for a period of time, but eventually it will “spew forth” unless you deal with it. In the heat of the battle — and there can be many in ministry — what’s in the heart will come out through the mouth. That is a tool of the enemy, Satan. Sometimes we are even surprised at what comes out of our mouths!

I heard it said one time that your husband’s appearance is a reflection of you, and your countenance is a reflection of your marriage. An angry and bitter woman is easily recognized. And I might add, an angry and bitter staff wife is always obvious to those around her. Guard yourself from becoming that woman.

As a face is reflected in water, so the heart reflects the real person (Prov. 27:19).

If you really feel that you have a serious problem with anger and resentment, an excellent resource is the book When Anger Hits Home[1] by Gary Oliver and H. Norm Wright.

As you consider your own relationship with your husband, ask God to help you control your tongue and to honor him in every way in public rather than live with the regret of a loose tongue that seeks to destroy rather than build up.

Another way we show love for the man we married is through our time. This is always a challenge for ministry marriages. Ministry demands, children, extended family responsibilities, friends, and the daily business we all have will compete for the time we have for our husband.

I have found that my husband’s schedule supersedes mine on most occasions. Because I love the man I married, I honor our time together, making it a priority and helping him to be successful as he manages his time also. To this day, there is no one I’d rather be with than my husband. Make a conscious effort to spend time with your husband. Be intentional about planning around his schedule. Be sensitive and understanding in your planning. Be creative and not demanding. And never compare your husband’s schedule with that of another staff member. That will lead you to nowhere.

Do you ever press your husband for time with you when you know he has others pressing him also? Give him room to grow. Marriage is a pilgrimage and ministers don’t get to skip over the journey to perfection instantly. Most all of us have had to grow in the area of time management.

Something that Ronnie and I have practiced for a number of years, is spending Fridays together. Although I realize that not everyone can take Fridays off, I would be surprised to find that you and your husband cannot find some block of time every week that you designate for you and your husband to spend time together — alone. I really believe this is critical for a healthy marriage and healthy ministry couple. This will involve you laying aside your plans at times in order to make this time available for your husband. Believe me, it is a wise investment of your time. Make every effort not to cancel out or fill this time with activities that involve others. Just spend time with your husband — he is your priority! My husband works extremely hard in order to be able to take this time off. Not only is it critical to our marriage, it is of great benefit to him personally. I think we would all agree that our husbands need some time off every week to be refreshed and recharged. These men extend much mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually when they are being all that God wants them to be. However you can do it — whatever time you can set apart, whether it’s a few hours or an entire day — make every effort to spend some time alone with your husband every week. The benefits are huge!

Loving the man we married involves another very important aspect. It’s not very popular in today’s world of thinking, but it is the aspect of service. In a world of feminist views and busy schedules that has even invaded the Church, service to husbands has all but gotten lost. Loving the man we married involves serving that man. You may be saying, “But hey, that’s not my spiritual gift.” Service to our husbands is something we do because we love them. It is a God-given opportunity to meet needs regardless of what your spiritual gifts are. Free your husband up to accomplish the ministry God has called him to. Be his greatest encourager, not discourager.

God chose you to meet his needs, not someone else. You have been called to be his wife, not someone else. A word of warning to wise women — there are women in your congregation who would be happy to serve your husband and meet his needs. Make sure those needs are met by you, not another woman.

How would you rate your “service” barometer to your husband: low, medium, high? Love the man you married by serving him.

Being in ministry can provide unique challenges in the way of friendships for your husband. Friendships do not always come easily for ministry men. Make sure your husband knows that he is your best friend. This takes precedence over children, other family members, friends, and church members. You love the man you married by being his friend. Make your husband your lifetime study. I have already mentioned an excellent book on marriage that I highly recommend, Sacred Influence[2] by Gary Thomas. There is an excellent chapter about knowing your husband and studying him. That study should be unique to your husband alone. Never compare your husband with another man — that’s another step that leads to nowhere. Do you really know what makes your husband happy?

I have friends whose husbands are CEOs of large companies, college coaches, doctors, and executives. Each of these men has very specific jobs and responsibilities and requirements. This is their job. After spending time over these years with women whose husbands are in a variety of vocations, I’ve realized each vocation has its own challenges. Your husband’s vocation happens to be ministry. Since being called to ministry is a high calling from God, it involves excellence in day-to-day performance. Do you think the executive or college coach’s wife loves everything about her husband’s job? Every job — ministry included — will always have parts that are more desirable than others. That is life. What gives you the right to whine over certain job responsibilities involving your husband?

If your husband is the senior pastor of the church, no one will bear the responsibility of the church any more than your husband will. Your role is to take away as much “stuff” from him as you can and make your home a “haven” for him to come home to. Whatever ministry your husband serves in, it should be your goal to relieve him of as much stress as you possibly can.

We’ve talked about some really practical ways to love the man we married, but I feel it is most important that we consider the high calling of ministry on your husband’s life.

Ask yourself these questions:

Am I in “awe” of the high calling of ministry on my husband’s life?

Am I in “awe” of what God does through my husband’s ministry?

Do you ever consider the “awe” that God allows you to be a part of supernatural ministry because you are married to your husband?

Are you in “awe” of God’s working in your church? It’s not a building but the presence of God that is awesome, and to think that God would call us to serve Him in ministry is a high calling. Psalms 68:35 says, “O God, You are more awesome than Your holy places” (NKJV).

One of my favorite passages in the Old Testament is after the ark of the covenant had been brought into the temple. First Kings 8:10–11 says, “And it came to pass, when the priests came out of the holy place, that the cloud filled the house of the Lord, so that the priests could not continue ministering because of the cloud; for the glory of the Lord filled the house of the Lord” (NKJV).

My personal prayer is that I never get over the “awe” of God’s call on my husband’s life, His work in my life, and His work in our church. May we remain in “awe” of God’s temple, His work among us, and the call of God on our husbands’ lives.

We recently had a guest pastor come and preach at our Sunday services. His wife came with him, and we had the privilege to be able to spend time with them beyond the services. They shared their love for their congregation and place of service — how their children were learning what being “at church” really meant and other positive statements. The wife enthusiastically shared what areas of ministry she was involved in and how much their church meant to their lives. In the time that we were able to spend with them, I felt a kindred spirit and love for them quickly.

That night, in the service after he finished preaching, during the invitation this pastor and wife knelt on their knees to pray. After a few minutes, they stood and began to join in worship — holding hands and lifting them upward. I was deeply moved by the picture I saw — a pastor and wife loving God, loving His Church, and loving one another. Ladies, love the man you married.

Interactive Testimony

I have quoted Barbara O’Chester in this chapter already. Barbara, wife of Dr. Harold O’Chester, who is the pastor emeritus of the Great Hills Baptist Church in Austin, Texas, had a huge impact on my life as a young minister’s wife. Barbara led a full-fledged retreat ministry for women for a number of years. In reflecting on her years in ministry and the message that reflects her life most, I would say that more than anything, Barbara O’Chester taught us how to love our man — in every sense of the word. Here are some of Barbara’s thoughts on how to “love the man you married.”

Jeana: As a pastor’s wife who served by her husband’s side in ministry for a number of years, can you tell us what is one of the greatest ways we show that our husband is our “treasure”?

Barbara: The way we look at our husband while he is preaching or just in conversation shows he is our treasure. You can embrace him with your eyes without touching him physically. Even if we have heard the message before, we should be engaged, taking notes, and not looking around seeing how others are receiving the message. Our eyes should be on him as if every word is important to us. I always sat on the second row of the auditorium so if he needed anything, he knew where I was. Be involved in the ministry of your husband and faithful in attendance. This shows that his task matters to you and that you are unified in the purpose of serving God.

Jeana: What words of caution would you give to wives about dishonoring their husbands either in public or private?

Barbara: In private: When we were children we learned three words: stop, look, and listen. These words serve us well in marriage. When your husband comes home, stop what you’re doing, look at him, and listen to what he has to say — 58 percent of communication is facial expression, 42 percent is body language and voice inflection. We have to learn to listen with our ears, our eyes, and our hearts. Don’t be too quick to give advice — sometimes he just needs a “sounding board.” If he wants advice he’ll ask for it.

In public: We can show our respect by the way we talk about him to others. Anything we say that puts him down even in jest can be taken as disrespectful. Any time we begin a sentence with “my poor husband” or end a sentence with “bless his heart” is a put-down.

Brag on him to others in front of him. It doesn’t matter how many people think he’s wonderful, he’s most concerned with what you think about him.

Jeana: After serving many years in ministry, what does the “high calling of being a minister’s wife” mean to you personally?

Barbara: My husband has always said, “A pastor would have to step down to be the president of the United States.” I agree. The Lord showed me many years ago that of the billions of people in the world, He chose a minute number to serve Him in a full-time vocational capacity. I am humbled to have been a pastor’s wife. We are privileged to serve. Ask the Lord to give you a servant’s heart. Guard against an attitude of entitlement. In the ministry we hold many lives in our hands. What a privilege that God would entrust us to love and serve His people. Has it always been easy? Definitely not! Has God always been faithful? Definitely yes.

Endnotes

1. Gary Oliver and H. Norm Wright, When Anger Hits Home (Chicago, IL: Moody Press, 1992).

2. Gary Thomas, Sacred Influence (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2006).

BALANCE IS THE KEY

5

I can’t do it all! I’m overwhelmed! Why are we always at church? How do I balance life and ministry? How can I get my husband to spend more time at home instead of the church?

I believe many ministry problems are created by a lack of balance in many areas of life. Balancing time, family, and church will always be a tension in ministry life. I am married to the greatest organizer and the most disciplined person I’ve ever met. My husband sees order to everything! Not only that, he’s a master at time management. I, on the other hand, struggle in those areas! Life in general, along with marriage, children, and ministry responsibilities, has forced me to grow in those areas not just to survive, but to thrive. There is a huge difference between “surviving” and “thriving” in ministry, and balance is key. I want to share just a few of the areas that I believe are most critical in the area of balance.

Balance in Family Time

I think one of the most critical areas we struggle to balance is the area of time management. As I already stated, my husband is a master at time management, but few people are as gifted as he is in that area. This has been of great advantage for our family as we serve in ministry. Most are more like me — struggling to survive and make it all come “together.” I have made great strides throughout these years of marriage and ministry, and because of that, I believe we have escaped much conflict with our family and within church life.

At times we blame the church for a lack of family time and mismanaged schedules. I really believe that we are to blame many times because we are poor time managers. As ministers’ wives, we can either help or hurt the situation. If your husband is a good time manager, bless him greatly! If he’s not, be his best advocate and help him to grow in this area. We’re all on a journey, and I am grateful that grace has been extended toward me in this area because it affects everything. God desires for us to live lives of order not disorder (1 Cor. 14:33). God is trying to do us a huge favor here if we will just heed His Word on this.

“Let all things be done decently and in order” (1 Cor. 14:40; NKJV). To me, that applies to all of life. Having order in your life simply makes everything better. Whether it’s at home or church or other activities, order makes everything better. There are plenty of tools and resources to expose yourself to; make yourself aware of the options and choose what works for you. Each individual and each family must decide what works best for them. There are obviously different levels that each family will achieve when it comes to order, but one thing is for sure: we all know when we have it and we all know when we don’t! When we don’t develop a sense of order, life is full of chaos.

You must grow in this area if it is a weakness in your life. “I’m just not organized” won’t cut it in ministry life. Although we are not talking perfection in any way, you must come to the point that you have some sense of order in your family life. If not, there will be constant turmoil and conflict in your home that will carry into ministry and affect your husband greatly. Don’t let that be a stumbling block to the effectiveness you and your husband have in ministry together simply because you just refuse to “get it together.” You are going to be the key to this in many ways. Whether you like it or not, you will be, in all probability, the keeper of the “calendar” for your family — which can be very complicated when combined with a busy husband’s schedule. If you do not get ahold of the schedule on your end, it is highly likely that you will suffer lack of family time, which is critical for all ministry families. I am convinced that quality, meaningful time can be managed, but it’s going to take a huge part of you working that out and being flexible with your husband’s schedule at the same time. In other words, plan, plan, plan! God does not intend for us to sacrifice our families on the altar of ministry. But each ministry family must make decisions that will enable quality time to be experienced and enjoyed. And most of the time, it just takes effort — real effort — to balance time.

Lack of order in our lives loves to show up on Sundays! Ever been in a heated conversation with your husband before church about not having his shirt ironed? Or his suit picked up from the cleaners? Or some other detail you forgot or failed to take care of? Satan can use the most trivial things to ignite an argument between couples. Then who ends up going to church mad and hurt on the inside, but pasting on the fake smile before those in our congregations to make them think that everything is just great! Ladies, take care of business at home — live a life of order! You may think this is a little silly, but many years ago, Ronnie and I determined that we would make every attempt in our marriage to stay away from anything that might engage us in conflict with one another on Saturday and Sunday. It is our belief and conviction that for Ronnie to be anointed when he stands up to proclaim God’s Word, we need to be in total unity.

Balance with Extended Family

Behind every ministry family is an extended family. These extended families can be healthy or unhealthy. There can be illness, financial problems, aging parents, relational problems, and a myriad of other family situations. These circumstances affect all of our lives and can sometimes create additional challenges above what we already deal with in church life. I am not a counselor, but there are plenty who can advise in this area for very difficult family situations. The caution I would give is not to let those extended family situations control your obligations to your current ministry responsibilities. Few extended families really understand “the call to ministry,” and therefore they are not always sympathetic with the lives we live as ministers and wives. I am fortunate to have come from a ministry family; my father was a pastor for over 50 years, so my parents understood our ministry life. As well, Ronnie’s family, although not in ministry, blessed and released us to carry out God’s call on our lives.

I am not suggesting that you forsake extended family. I am suggesting that you recognize your greater obligation is to your ministry call, whether understood or not. I also believe that with diligence, patience, love, and understanding, the two can walk together in great accordance and harmony most of the time. A ministry wife who constantly has to run home to mama and daddy and neglects her husband is forgetting that she is to “leave and cleave” not only for the sake of the ministry, but even more importantly for her marriage.

Balance in Church Life

Although not totally under your control, you can have great influence in the area of church life. You can control your involvement in church activities. I am talking about ministry activity beyond normal Sunday worship times and whenever else your particular ministry corporately meets. Those are non-negotiable. How can we expect our people to meet together in corporate worship and the minister’s wife not be there? I am not only referring to the senior pastor’s wife, but wives of the support staff as well. Attendance is important. Your presence in corporate worship says to others, “This is important to me.” If we really believe in what we are doing, then our presence is important and necessary. Only in recent years have we had to ask prospective staff wives if they regularly attend church. What a shame.

But beyond our obligation to corporate times, most have the opportunity to choose those extended times of involvement. All of us have gifts that are to be used, whether we are ministers’ wives or not, for the Kingdom. The great thing about church life today is that most churches do allow and encourage wives to be involved in those ministries they feel called to and not just fill a position. It is the difference between serving out of “passion” and serving out of “position.” Speaking from personal experience, I have done it both ways. I have served out of obligation and I have served out of the passion for specific ministries I felt God called me to. Guess which ones were more effective for the Kingdom of God? Guess which ones were most fulfilling to me and even seemed to work to the time advantage of my busy schedule? You are correct — the ones God called me to! And learning to discern the difference is invaluable to balancing your time at church. It is crucial for you to serve where God wants you to serve. Factor in and recognize the demands on your husband’s time, and realize that at times, you may have to “pick up the slack” at home because your husband can’t always be there. Your husband’s position and obligations supersede your obligations. I realize that’s not a very popular thing to say in today’s world of feminist views that have even invaded the Church, but the bottom line is this — your husband’s schedule takes priority over yours.

My husband made a huge commitment to our family many years ago. At that time we were serving in a very committee-structured church, that dominated much of his time. Our children were very young. I was extremely resentful of his time away — feeling abandoned and lonely much of the time. My response in the beginning was not what it should have been. In fact, I was guilty at times of ruining what little time we had when he finally came home, because I was so resentful. God did a work in my heart and I stopped the nagging and complaining. I simply stopped. God dealt with my mouth and my heart. Some months later, my husband made a fresh commitment to our family. God had worked in his heart also, and he made the commitment that he would never sacrifice his family on the altar of “church.” Ronnie has held true to that commitment, never sacrificing our family and remaining faithful and diligent in his call to ministry.

Balance in Availability to Others

I do not believe that God expects us to be “on call” 24/7. Maybe in years past that was the thinking, but not in the church world today. If that is the case in your church world, pray and ask God to give your congregation a more realistic view of the minister’s responsibility. There are some things you can do to protect yourself. I also believe that God does not intend for us to take on every ministry project and person, but to share that responsibility with others. There is no way that you can be available to others constantly and meet the needs of your own husband and family. I am a firm believer that we must remember God called our husband to be the minister and we are to walk by his side. When God does call us to minister to individual persons in our churches, there is even a limit to what we can do. God did not intend for you to resolve every conflict and meet every need that comes your way. Yes, there are times and individuals where God will specifically use you to guide them in their walk, but make sure that you do not take on the entire church world and its problems.

Balance in Taking Time Off

Balance must also come in ministry life in the form of “drawing aside” or a period of “rest.” There are times when we must pull away, for a brief time, to renew ourselves. Even Jesus drew aside at times. I strongly encourage you and your husband to make sure to take time off. Everybody needs time away, and that is another part of planning ahead so time is available to do that. Otherwise, your husband will tell you he has too much to do and cannot afford to take the time off. Ronnie has always made sure that we had family vacations, apart from the time spent with extended family. I realize that this will take great planning on your part, but it’s a must. Make sure you make this happen — it’s an integral part of the balancing act!

Interactive Testimony

Carol Young is the wife of Jeff Young. Jeff serves on the staff of Prestonwood Baptist Church in Plano, Texas, as the minister of spiritual development. When Jeff and Carol served on our staff, I recognized Carol’s ability to juggle life with three children, each in different age groups — elementary school, junior high, and high school. Add to that a busy husband, involvement in women’s ministry, and both sets of parents living in another state. How did she do it? Not that she has all the answers, but I think Carol is a good example of someone who recognized that “balance is the key.”

Jeana: In what ways does having order in your home benefit your children in their daily lives and your husband in his ministry?

Carol: For the Young household, life is very busy. My husband’s job keeps him extremely busy during the day and often on the weekend. We discovered very early in our marriage that our home ran more smoothly if I handled the day-to-day details of our home. This doesn’t mean we don’t come together and discuss big issues; however, with his blessing I handle school, household, and most financial decisions that come up on a daily basis. As I do this, he is able to come home and relax, enjoy our children, and focus on his ministry. The last thing he wants to do when he comes home is make decisions or handle our finances. My goal is to make our home a haven for him — a place he wants to come home to. God’s Word tells us in I Corinthians 14:33 that “God is not a God of disorder but of peace” (NIV). Our home is just more at peace when there is order. This often meant that we had a five p.m. cleanup time before daddy got home. We tried to make his entry back home as peaceful as possible.

For our children, this has meant that certain actions are required by them each day. When they started kindergarten they were expected to make their beds and straighten their rooms each morning before school. I’ve helped them to organize their rooms so that everything has a place so that after they play it goes back where it belongs. Because this is done daily and not weekly, our house is rarely a total wreck. They tend to keep things neater when they know what’s expected. They each have chores that they are responsible for each week. This is a family and everyone helps and does their part — I am not their maid! I hope I am teaching my children to be organized and run an orderly home. My daughter just moved into an apartment this year at college — I am just beginning to see fruit from my labors. When you begin living in chaos and clutter you start to appreciate order and realize how it leads to a peaceful household.

Jeana: What is the greatest struggle you face in trying to keep “balance” in all areas of life?

Carol: Our greatest struggle between ministry and home life is our activities. Church attendance and major church activities have not been negotiable in our family. We never have to decide if we are going to church on Sundays — it has already been decided. This is our biggest priority. At times, this means we don’t attend late Saturday evening activities. We didn’t plan many sleepovers on Saturday nights or sign up for activities that occurred regularly on Sundays. This was fairly easy to manage when our children were younger but has grown into quite a struggle as they get older. More and more activities and sport games are occurring on Sundays. We have tried to maintain our priority while not being completely closed-minded. We talk with coaches before joining teams to make sure they respect Sundays and are like-minded. We utilize Saturday services and other times to worship so that our children are learning that “worship” is important.

I have not expected my children to be in every activity that our church has to offer. Two of my children are social creatures and love being a part of everything. This is not always beneficial for them. One of my children is a “home body” who needs down time to function and feel healthy. As the parent, I feel it’s my job to help my children make godly decisions about the activities we will be involved in. Some activities are non-negotiable — worship, youth discipleship, and Sunday school. We usually pick one sport activity, music lesson, etc. I think many kids are totally stressed out by the multitude of activities (sometimes good activities) they are involved in. There are seasons when we do a good job of managing our activities, and there are times when we have not managed this well. As stated — this is always a struggle. Good activities are constantly vying for our time. It is important for us to ask God about our schedules before we say yes to anything else. We are constantly evaluating our family life — what is going good and what is not! What we can eliminate in order to make room for something else.

Family time is another non-negotiable. When the children were young, this was Saturday night. We made this a fun time and something they looked forward to. As our children have grown, a specific night each week is impossible. We still share a family meal two to four times a week. We share about our days, school activities, struggles, etc. We also regularly plan family activities. We try to make these fun times that they will enjoy being a part of. Our family is very important to us, and we constantly evaluate our schedule to make sure it allows time for our family to be together.

Jeana: What advice would you share with other ministry wives that has been of great help to you to maintain balance with ministry and family life?

Carol: Someone shared a great tip with me many years ago as I was struggling to keep my household “in order,” which was, “It’s okay to say no to good things.” I spent many early years saying yes to everyone’s request and was completely frazzled at home. I have tried to recognize the areas God has gifted me in, and serve in these areas. I make sure I take the requests to God in prayer and seek His wisdom about my schedule.

Another tip we received from a mentor couple early in our marriage was to continue to date each other or plan times to be together. When our children were young that meant saving up for babysitters. We have never had family close by, so we had to budget for this and it was a priority for us. We made sure our children knew that our relationship was important and we wanted to spend time together. When they went to preschool or school, we started having weekly dates on my husband’s day off. Friday is usually my husband’s day off, so I hold that day as almost sacred. I don’t plan appointments or lunch dates with friends on Fridays. This is my day to be with Jeff. Some Fridays we may have time only for lunch, or some days we may spend the whole day just hanging out, doing errands, driving in the country, or shopping. Of course there are times when things come up that have to be done on Friday; however, this is the exception instead of the norm. This has given us time to communicate as a couple, to evaluate our family, and to make our relationship a priority.

LET THE MEN BE MEN

6

I grew up in a pastor’s home. I said I would never marry a pastor, but that is the only life I have ever known. Growing up in a pastor’s home undoubtedly molded much of my thinking as I became “the pastor’s wife.” Much of what I learned in a minister’s home has been resourceful and invaluable. I learned from my father to love the Church and God’s Word. My mother was a wonderful example of a quiet and gentle spirit and served with a true servant’s heart.

Regardless of what I said in innocence or immaturity, I would not want to do or be anything else to this day. My husband and I have been in ministry — he as a senior pastor — since the day we got married. In fact, he became a full-time pastor four months before we married, almost 33 years ago at the time of this writing. I love my job as pastor’s wife and desire for other staff wives to enjoy this journey as much as I have!

One of the greatest lessons and realizations I learned early on as a pastor’s wife was that I was not called to be the pastor.

God did not intend for us to bear the burdens of the Church. He has called our husbands to do that. He has called us to walk by their sides and be supportive of their calling.

“Let the men be the men” is a phrase I coined years ago as I challenged our staff wives on how to cope with ministry issues. This is an area where many staff wives get themselves in a great deal of conflict and invite trouble into their laps. For you to try to solve staff issues that your husband should be dealing with is a rebuke to you and your husband. That is not the message you want to send to your staff or congregation.

Of particular importance to the senior pastor’s wife is that God called your husband to be the pastor, not you — you are to be his helpmeet. When you step in and try to act as “pastor” you lessen his authority, effectiveness, and respect from others. To put it very clearly, you make your husband look like a weak leader.

Also for the senior pastor’s wife, let your role be to love and minister to those wives on your staff team. When you take on a role that is not intended to be yours, you reduce the amount of influence you have with them. “Let the men be the men” and handle the conflict, and use your energy to love, influence, mentor, and challenge those precious wives on your staff.

I have never wanted to be the “staff wife Gestapo.” I would much rather be considered their friend or spiritual adviser! Because dealing with staff will occasionally involve conflict, Ronnie and I have always practiced that if there is a problem with a staff wife, it should be handled by the appropriate men on staff, either the senior pastor or the designated staff member who deals with those situations.

Almost always, if there is a problem with the wife, there is a problem with the husband. Getting to the root of the problem is not always easy or obvious, but after serving many years as a pastor’s wife, there is usually an underlying problem that causes a wife to act in a way that is either inappropriate or unacceptable. There are many reasons that we all act like we do, but today’s world and the various backgrounds that people come from are profound influences on ministers and their wives.

We cannot hang on to a victim mentality or excuse immaturity, but many ministers’ wives have not come from stable Christian backgrounds, may have not been exposed to church life at all, or may have been saved at a later age. After having served for so many years as a senior pastor’s wife, I realize that every staff member we hire comes with baggage and background. Sometimes this is good and sometimes it can be challenging in the ministry. Realizing that each one comes from an individualized background, family, experience, etc., has helped me to understand some of the struggles some wives have.

I believe the key here is the same as with any other Christian, regardless of the background we come from. If we have been saved, we are “new creatures” — old things are passed away and all things become new. It is up to us as Christian believers to grow in the grace that Christ has so wonderfully given us, to mature and become all that God would have us to be. There is great accountability and expectation from our congregations that we do that. I do not believe that our congregations expect perfection from the staff team, but I do believe they deserve our utmost attempt to follow Christ, to grow in our walk with Him, and to serve Him with our “whole hearts.”

Men handle conflict and challenges differently than women. They resolve issues more easily and with less feeling and emotion than women do. That’s why we should let the men be the men. Men have the ability to disagree completely and go out and play golf together the next day. Women tend to hang on to hurts and nurse them for a while before we are able to move on. Again, another reason to let the men be the men.

Many problems can be created by a wife who wants to lead, be involved in situations that do not include her, or to control situations that are of concern to her. In a sense, she wants to be “the pastor.” I am not saying that literally but am referring to the way she conducts herself. This can be the senior pastor’s wife, as well as another support staff member’s wife. For whatever reason, women seem to think sometimes that they have a better way of leading and doing things. This is not to say that women have no place in advising their husbands in ministry. Our husbands are wise men to listen to sound, spiritual advice given to them by their wives.

I am referring more to strong women who refuse to understand their important place to walk by their husband’s side, not to lead the church or continually stir up trouble. The caution here is to not emasculate your husband’s leadership — whether he serves as senior pastor or a support staff team member — by your actions or words.

When you attempt to lead or overstep your boundaries as a wife, you put a strain on your relationship with the other wives. Plus, it may fuel their fire to attempt to do the same in their husband’s ministry or marriage.

I firmly believe that if we will “let the men be the men,” God will use them to lead in powerful ways. God created men to be leaders under pressure. God created men to be less emotional and more rational. God created men to be less reactionary in difficult decisions. I also believe that God, because He called our husbands into His ministry, will direct them in wise decision making. A Scripture I have claimed for my husband many times when he has faced difficult decisions is this one: “But His secret counsel is with the upright” (Prov. 3:32; NKJV).

At times, all our husbands will face very difficult circumstances. There are certainly times when I am so thankful that I am not the one in charge — the one who has to make the tough decisions. God has gifted our husbands as men who can be courageous in the face of those difficult times.

Another favorite Scripture I turn to regarding difficulties I know my husband must handle is, “The wicked run away when no one is chasing them, but the godly are as bold as lions” (Prov. 28:1; emphasis added). What a great prayer to pray for your husband — that he would be as bold as a lion! God knows we need courageous men leading our churches in today’s world!

Although rare, there have been occasions when my husband, after having received counsel from others and knowing there is no alternative, and having given much prayer to each situation, realizes that a termination must occur. That is never fun for anyone. Your husband cannot make difficult decisions about staff based on friendships or involvement with a wife on the team or in the church but based on what is best for the church. Men normally have the greater ability to be more objective in difficult situations.

These times are especially difficult. I, of course, always consider the wife’s feelings and how the layoff will affect the children and so on. Our husbands must make the decisions based on what is best for the entire church. Women tend to make decisions of the “heart.” Another reason we need to let the men be the men.

Also, I believe God has a huge, important role for the women who walk beside their husbands in ministry. When we get those roles mixed up and confused, there are guaranteed problems. What a great responsibility to pray for our husbands as they serve in those important roles as leaders in ministry. What a great call for us, as their wives, to offer godly support — and even occasional advice. What a tremendous call on our lives as well to be the instrument that God called us to be — walking beside these great anointed men of God.

I encourage every minister’s wife, whether your husband is the senior pastor or a support team member, to search your heart, your thoughts, and your actions. Do your actions give the impression that you would really like to be the pastor? That you always think you have a better plan? Do you feel like the man in your life — or the men on your staff team — are not making the right decisions and need your advice? Do you criticize their leadership behind their backs? Do you undermine decisions to others? Do you cause your husband to doubt his own leadership? Do you enjoy knowing everything about everything whether it involves you or not? Do you make the effort to calm a storm or create one on your staff? These are important questions to make you search your own heart and answer.

I promise you this, if you will concentrate that energy on loving and supporting your man and letting “the men be the men,” it will be much more enjoyable to serve as a minister’s wife by loving and encouraging those wives you serve with. Let this be your goal …and “let the men be the men.”

Interactive Testimony

Jennifer Landrith is a pastor’s wife. Her husband, David, serves as senior pastor of the Long Hollow Baptist Church in Hendersonville, Tennessee. They have three children. Jennifer is the author of In Our Shoes, which is a Bible study for ministers’ wives that I would encourage all of you to use with your staff.

Jeana: What does “let the men be the men” mean to you as a senior pastor’s wife, and how would you advise other wives on your staff to heed this advice?

Jennifer: When I first heard the phrase “let the men be the men” I thought, I have never heard that put in that form. This statement is so true and yet so simple. It impacted me because I thought so many times that when we as wives get involved we bring emotions into the picture and we stay injured or hurt over things when our husbands have long moved on and forgotten the situation.

I do advise our other staff wives to heed this advice because I think it will help them and their husbands in their ministry. This just makes sense. Staff wives will avoid some pitfalls along the way if they can learn this lesson early.

Jeana: What kinds of problems have you seen develop when staff wives try to take on problems that are not theirs to solve?

Jennifer: Wow, I have seen staff wives who have tried to talk to committees about their husband’s salary, wives who have gotten on to another staff person if they didn’t attend their husband’s event, and wives who have taken up their husband’s offense when he needed to handle the situation himself. When the wife gets involved it can be uncomfortable for all of those who are involved. When she feels ownership or control over a certain area then she has forgotten the bigger picture of the church and her role in it. Interfering in something that you are not involved in only further escalates any problem and allows for more hard feelings between staff or members in the church. This brings further stress on her husband instead of less.

Jeana: When you consider your role as the senior pastor’s wife, how does that affect your response to difficult circumstances knowing that you are being “watched” not only by the other staff wives but also by church members?

Jennifer: I try not to think about the “immediate eyes” upon me in a certain situation but try to think of how my attitude or answers can please the Lord. He is the one that I want to honor, so I want to respond as He would have me to. I want to share from my heart and be real but I must also be smart. Real doesn’t mean you reveal things you shouldn’t. You don’t have to address everything, and sometimes you just need to redirect things. For instance, if someone wants me to pass on a message to my husband, then I may reply it would be better for this person to call his assistant because I might forget. Hopefully, as I respond in difficult circumstances, then other staff wives will watch and see me model the right attitude. Also, remember to use humor when you can to possibly lighten any tension. This always helps when it is appropriate. Be willing to give people another chance and try not to take things personally. Everyone has a bad day every now and then, so it is good if you just don’t write someone off. On a lighter side, it also doesn’t hurt to learn to walk fast when you encounter difficulties and/or difficult people along the way. Find a quick distraction and stay on the move.

Jeana: How might reacting in the opposite manner of “letting the men be the men” cause your husband to doubt himself?

Jennifer: I think a husband must doubt his leadership role if his wife is taking up his offense all the time. He will think he is not capable and probably resign himself to letting her handle it. Instead of the husband growing in this area and gaining the respect of those he works with, he may give up or stop trying. This leads to other people not having respect for him. This could also lead to depression in the husband at some point. You are becoming a stumbling block to his leadership when you don’t allow him to handle his own issues at church. You are not allowing him to become the man God intended if you are trying to take over his role. This will make him feel inadequate in leading and doubt his ability to make decisions.

IT’S KOOL2BAPK

7

“How can we pray for your family?” was a question often asked when our children were little. Our answer was always the same, “Pray that they will grow up loving Jesus and loving His Church.” I have rarely felt that I could speak as an authority on raising children in the ministry, not wanting to put our children on display or place more pressure on them. I also had the feeling that the “jury was still out.” Our sons are now 29 and 25. Both married godly and lovely girls and have already given us four beautiful grandchildren with another on the way. I guess I can finally say with confidence that those prayers have been answered. I say that with a little reluctance, not because of any behavior that our children have portrayed, but because I know that one of the greatest ways Satan loves to attack is through our children. Our oldest son is a coach and believes one of his greatest opportunities is to influence young men’s lives through the game of football, and our youngest son is in full-time ministry. Both love Christ and are highly committed, along with their wives, to the local church. I am grateful for those prayers that were offered up for many years on behalf of our children.

“Preachers’ kids” have been looked upon with a certain disdain for a number of years. Why is that? That is obviously a question that could be answered by a number of explanations. Gone are the days, I believe, when ministers’ children are set apart with higher unrealistic expectations. There will always be some people who will be watching your children, waiting for them to make mistakes or fall short of their own preconceived expectations. Such is life. I have a feeling other professions might deal with the same sort of issues. Regardless, the best thing we can do as pastoral parents is to make sure we’ve done our job to the best of our abilities under the power and leadership of the Holy Spirit. Does that guarantee perfect children? You already know the answer to that.

Many ministry parents, under God, raise their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. And for whatever reason, some children choose to go a different direction. That is heartbreaking, to say the least. But how many times do we, as children of the King, fall short in our obedience to Him?

One of the most important things in raising children in the ministry is the same for all parents. You are the parent. You are not their best friend. You are the parent. Don’t be afraid to say no to your children or to discipline them. There are plenty of Scriptures that admonish us to do this. I personally feel that many children, and not just children of ministers, are left to make their own decisions when they are not capable of making wise and mature choices.

Proverbs 20:11, 30; 22:15; and 29:15, 17 are Scriptures beneficial for raising children.

Don’t be afraid to correct your young ones; a spanking won’t kill them. A good spanking, in fact, might save them from something worse than death (Prov. 23:13–14; Message).

Because this book is not solely about solving issues with children, I would like to approach this chapter from the standpoint of some things that I believe should be real convictions as we raise our children. What’s interesting about this, I believe, is that these principles could apply to all parents, not just ministry parents.

There are many good resources for raising children that can address specific areas of concern, so I will not go into detail in specific areas but in areas that I feel need to be addressed as ministry parents.

I want to mention a few things that Ronnie and I did practice with our children. I’m not saying that our children are the perfect examples, but we practiced some biblical and practical principles that we feel very strongly about. My prayer is that you will search your heart, pray for spiritual discernment as you read this, and allow God to form in your heart those things that are non-negotiable in raising your children.

Your children will know if you really love the church by the things you say at home, when church members are not around. As well, they will see how you value church members by what you say about them outside the church doors. All professions have positives and negatives. Be careful not to pass on a martyr complex of “I’m so mistreated because my dad is in the ministry.”

Life is not fair in either the secular world or the ministry world. There are some disadvantages for ministry children, but I’ve found the positive outweighs the negative by far. Always point out the positive aspects to your children about the blessings and advantages they have because their dad is a minister. Instilling in them negative attitudes toward church and church people can be costly to their future walk with Christ and commitment to His Church.

If we protect our children from every slight or injustice, or come to their defense all the time, we are doing them a disservice and we make them “handicapped” to function in the real world. Church isn’t the only place where injustice can happen. Life is not perfect, and they need to learn that lesson early. Consider that strongly the next time your son or daughter complains about some situation at church or some other circumstance before you go marching up to the church to defend your child’s actions or behavior! There are times when we must stand up for our children, but let that be the exception and not the rule.

Don’t always rescue your child when he does not get what he wants. Sometimes it may even be within your power as a staff parent to do that! But God may have a different plan — and you may need to step aside and let Him do His work in the life of your child. Don’t always defend your child as being right. Sooner or later you will embarrass yourself! Children do embarrass their parents from time to time with behavior that goes against how you trained them. When you defend your child and you know he was wrong in his behavior, you send a message to your child that he is always right, doesn’t have to suffer the consequences of those choices brought on by himself, and you teach him to be dishonest in his ways.

You as a parent and as a minister’s family are establishing a reputation among your church people. Much of that is under your control and is influenced by your behavior. What do you want that reputation to look like? Don’t protect your children and attempt to make their world perfect. There is a general tendency in our world today that promotes an “entitlement mentality.” I see it on all levels and ages, inside and outside the church. Be careful not to raise your children with that mentality — if we all got what we deserved, it would only be death and hell.

Here are some questions to think about and ask yourself:

Do others enjoy my children?

Is there constant conflict with other parents and other children?

Am I raising my children to be able to cope in the world of “others”?

Depending on your answer to these questions, you may want to re-consider how you are raising your children. Hopefully you can answer each of these questions positively. If not, it’s never too late to change the way you parent.

Teach your children to honor the Sabbath. Today’s world has forgotten to honor the Sabbath. Sadly, Sunday is just another day of the week to the majority of humanity. It’s a day to shop, have athletic events, go to movies, and many take part in other options, and if you can squeeze it in, attend church. Even though the world looks at Sunday as just another day of the week, it is still important to teach your children that Sunday is the Lord’s Day.

Both of our sons were exceptional athletes. At one time, our oldest son was invited to be a part of a competing team. What an honor to have been asked to be a part of that elite team! The problem was that they traveled many weekends, which meant our son would not have been in worship with our family. As parents, we chose not to allow him to be a part of that team. Now, years later, although that decision seemed difficult at the time, we know without a doubt we made the right decision. By the way, our son continued in his athleticism — breaking several national records in his sports career. I don’t think our decision to not let him be a part of that team hurt him, and I believe the spiritual benefits paid off immensely. Teach your children the importance of honoring the Sabbath.

Church attendance was never optional in our home. Even when our sons got into high school and could drive on their own, it was not a choice to be made on their part. Children can become quite creative in coming up with excuses of why they shouldn’t have to go to church or church activities: boring teachers, their friends didn’t have to go, they’re too tired — just to name a few! We also required our children to be involved in extracurricular activities along with corporate worship times. Some of the most influential, spiritual, life-changing moments can come at summer camp, lock-ins, Disciple Now weekends, and Bible studies. I realize the names we give these may have changed in today’s world, but the end result is the same regardless of what contemporary name we give them. Having your children at those events and experiences may be the times when God calls them to make very important life decisions. You are placing them in a position to hear from God in the early and formative years of their lives. It’s not just filling their lives with churchy activity — it’s placing them in positions and opportunities where God can speak to their hearts. That’s why you do it!

Apply spiritual truths and principles every chance you get. Our words and actions have the power to influence our children in a positive or negative way. After being a parent for 29 years and observing other parents for even longer, I have made a profound observation: children become like their parents.

Critical parents raise critical children.

Selfish parents raise selfish children.

Cynical parents raise cynical children.

Rebellious parents raise rebellious children.

Parents with integrity raise children with integrity.

Parents who love the Church raise children who love the Church.

Are there exceptions to this observation? Of course there are. Your children will make mistakes, regardless of what your vocation is or how hard you try to be the perfect parent. Being in ministry doesn’t guarantee anything. Our children will make wrong choices at times, even when we as parents have done the best we knew how to do. But I do believe there is validity in my observation when I see parents who are permissive, indulgent, not teaching respect for authority, or failing to teach their children in spiritual matters.

One of the greatest things that you can do for your children is to love one another. Children who see their parents loving one another feel more secure. Children who see their parents loving one another see God’s love in action before their eyes. What better example could you show your children?

Interactive Testimony

Janice Thomas has been a friend for many years. She was a neighboring pastor’s wife when we served at Nederland, Texas. Her husband is Dr. Claude Thomas, a pastor for many years. At that time, my children were very young, but I observed her “mothering” and “ministry” skills in raising her four boys. Those four boys have grown up and married, and Janice now has 13 grandchildren! I have watched all of them turn out to be godly men, three of whom are in full-time ministry, and the other serves the Lord through his law practice. My question to Janice was — how did you do it? Her answer was always the same — “on my knees.” Janice has been one of those wonderful role models in my life as a minister’s wife and a ministry parent. I knew that I wanted to include some of her wisdom on this topic of raising children in the ministry. I asked her to respond to some questions about raising her sons in a home where their father was pastor of a local church.

Jeana: Do you believe being in ministry was a positive or negative experience?

Janice: Our four sons were given to us by God as precious gifts to value, cherish, train, protect, and rear in our ministry home. Their father was a pastor and we had the expectations, demands, heartaches, joys, and blessings that all ministers’ families experience. Our first responsibility was to our family. We were committed to care for, nurture, and cultivate the soil of our four sons’ lives to help them develop into the men God has called them to be.

I believe the ministry has been a positive influence on our sons’ lives. However, they did experience some of the negatives of ministry life. They felt the “glass house syndrome” and disappointments of people that come with being a ministry family. But with each situation, we found that it was most important how we as parents handled the ministry stresses, expectations, heartaches, and joys. It is our belief that we as parents in ministry must model for our children the life that Christ modeled for us. What we did to fulfill our responsibilities to the local church ministry was important, but we knew it was imperative to show day by day what Jesus taught in the Bible by living the teachings of Scripture each day. While we acknowledged our own “failings,” we sought to live out an authentic relationship with Christ in our lives and homes, seeking to follow Jesus with all our hearts and walk in His teachings with the needs of our children in mind.

And there were the positive opportunities that came their way due to being raised in a ministry home. They were privileged to meet and know some of the greatest people on the planet. The people we meet early in life affect the way we live life. It has been true for our sons. They were also constantly exposed to the Scripture and its impact on life. We wanted them to experience Christ at the point of His Word. And we wanted them to have the opportunity to see how the teachings taught through the ministry of the church impacted the life of the pastor’s family every day, especially a growing relationship with Jesus.

Jeana: What are some of the important aspects of ministry that you made sure your children “got”?

Janice: The first truth we wanted each of our sons to “get” was and is that God unrelentingly and unconditionally loves them and so do we. Through ministry we sought to reinforce that reality and that nothing could diminish that love.

The second truth we wanted them to get was that we were always there for them. We want to talk to them, we want them to talk to us …we want to hear their heart and we want them to hear ours. We are a family living life together.

The third truth that we wanted them to know is we live in a “fallen world.” Perfection does not reign in our world and neither does it in our family and certainly not in the ministry world. Our journey in life has many joys and sorrows. People will disappoint you. Life is not always fair — but God is always good! He has plans for our lives that give us a future and a hope (Jer. 29:11). Success in the journey of life is found in submitting to His plan for our lives. We knew if they would grasp these realities and live them out they would be walking in God’s power for life.

The fourth truth is that God is our source. Jesus died for each of them and is the source for their day-to-day living. The truth of the Scriptures was always talked about in our home. I used unconventional methods to get the Word of God into their hearts and minds, such as taping selected Scripture verses on the inside of the cupboard next to the peanut butter jar as a constant reminder.

The fifth truth is that we are not created to live in isolation but in community. The community of faith, the Church, is God’s design for us. And fulfilling that design builds every other area of life.

Jeana: As your children are grown, what important lessons do you think they will hold on to forever?

Janice: I believe and pray that they will grasp continually that God loves them unconditionally. I believe and pray that they will be truly “rooted” and established in love so that they have the power to grasp how long and high and deep is the love of Christ and know that this love surpasses knowledge — so that they may be filled with the fullness of God (Eph. 3:17–19).

I believe and pray that they accept the fact that we live in a fallen world with fallen people. Perfection does not reign in this world or the ministry, and God does not require them to perform for the approval or acceptance of Him or others. They just need to seek God’s sovereign activity and His righteousness (Matt. 6:33), which means that Jesus is the voice that will steer them through every situation. Jesus is the peace that will set their troubled hearts to rest. Jesus is the power that will hold them up in a storm. Jesus will be closer than any friend could ever be.

I believe and pray they will embrace that life as an amazing journey to be celebrated. This journey of life is for the purpose of being a reflection of Jesus here on earth.

Jeana: What is the best thing about raising children in a minister’s home?

Janice: I am uncertain that I can identify the “best thing,” but I do believe there are some great things about being raised in a minister’s home. The minister’s home can be a place where the very life and teachings of Jesus are lived out. It is to be a place where love abounds and lots of grace is expressed. It is an opportunity to experience up close and personal how to: (1) integrate every aspect of your faith in lives lived, (2) demonstrate the value of church as a community of faith loved by Jesus with a definite mission in the earth rather than a place of employment and institutional identity, and (3) the relationship with Jesus lived in a real and vulnerable way. Conflicts and problems do arise in ministry, but the ministry home is a safe place to work through these conflicts as the textbook of the Bible is taught and lived. It is my heart’s prayer that these teachings were modeled in our ministry home just as Jesus modeled them for us.

LET IT GO: DEALING WITH CRITICISM, CONFLICTS, AND UNFORGIVENESS

8

Dealing with Criticism God’s Way

What is criticism? Criticism, according to Webster’s dictionary, means “to find fault.” Anybody relate to that? Have you ever had to deal with the criticism pointed at your husband, children, or the way your husband does ministry? Maybe even you are the one who is being criticized.

One thing you can count on dealing with in ministry is criticism. Everyone deals with criticism — we might even agree that “criticism is no respecter of persons.” It comes to the young and the old, the rich and the poor, and all in between. Criticism comes in ministry life no matter how young or old you are, what your personality type is, or how short or long you’ve served somewhere. Count on it, you will be criticized.

Everyone has had — or still has — critical people in their life outside of ministry life. It can come from within our families — a husband, our parents, our in-laws, even our children, possibly a co-worker, maybe even a close friend. Sometimes the criticism that comes from within is much harder to deal with than criticism that comes from the outside.

How Does Criticism Affect Us?

Criticism . . .

paralyzes us,

makes us feel defeated,

stifles us,

makes us feel “less than,”

makes us feel insecure, and

hurts us.

Criticism makes us angry, defensive, and want to fight back. Criticism in ministry can be very discouraging to you and your husband if you allow it to. In our flesh, we calculate the sacrifice we consider ourselves to make for the “cause of Christ” only to be met with the criticism of others, and it can cause us to crumble quickly. We then immediately move into the “martyr role” or take on the “how dare they criticize us” mode — or any other “poor me” syndrome that we can muster up! No one enjoys being criticized.

At times like this, a very good Scripture to remember before we spout off our displeasure is Proverbs 13:3: “He who guards his mouth preserves his life” (NKJV).

Are There Lessons to Be Learned from Criticism?

There is always something to be learned from the adversity in our lives. God can use criticism to make us better and to bring about His bigger purpose in our lives. A verse that has proven to be true over and over again in my life says: “Blows that hurt cleanse away evil” (Prov. 20:30; NKJV).

Most of the time, our initial response is to blame others, but when is the last time you did some soul searching to see if you warrant your own criticism?

Consider these questions:

Is there a legitimate reason for criticism?

Is there any truth to what others are saying?

Is there something in my life that warrants criticism?

Does my behavior ask for it?

Am I a critical person? Sometimes we are guilty of what others accuse us of. We are the critical person.

Just as we can be wounded by the words of others, we can hurt others. We have the power to breathe death or life into others by what we say with our tongues. Proverbs 18:21 says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue” (NKJV).

If we do something that we know is wrong or questionable and we are criticized for it, why should we be surprised?

The Bible also cautions us to be aware of the influence others can have on our lives. Proverbs 22:24–25 tells us, “Don’t make friends with an angry man, and don’t be a companion of a hot-tempered man, or you will learn his ways” (HCSB).

If you are critical of others, more than likely you will be criticized. It’s the “law of criticism.” What goes around comes around.

Sometimes it is to our advantage to listen to criticism just as the Scripture says. Proverbs 13:18 says, “He who regards a rebuke will be honored” (NKJV).

How Should We Respond to Criticism?

“A soft answer turns away wrath” (Prov. 15:1; NKJV) would be a good place to start in how we respond to criticism. We would be wise women to let that become our initial response, although that is usually totally against our flesh. Our flesh seeks to defend and explain our point of view or course of action. In other words, most of the time we “come out swinging”!

There are two kinds of criticism.

A. Deserved: many times we get what we asked for. Throughout these years of ministry, I have seen this happen more than once, and church staff members can really ask for their own criticism with dumb decisions and actions. I know no other way to say it but that. And then we wonder why we are being criticized!

God’s way to respond to criticism is with humility and repentance, especially when we have done something to warrant that criticism. God’s ways will lead us to ask for forgiveness and take steps to correct our mistakes. If you continue to stiffen your neck and refuse to examine or change your ways, you will only hurt yourself, your marriage, your relationships with those around you, and, ultimately, the ministry you are called to.

If you regard a rebuke, as the Scripture previously stated, it says you will be honored. Regarding a rebuke will take some serious heart examination, extreme humility, and consideration of the actions that may have brought on the criticism. Somehow, we must constantly remember this principle and not react defensively.

My husband has been a great example in this area. He has received more than his share of criticism throughout many years of ministry. He practices the policy to always listen and learn from your critics. Sometimes they are right, sometimes they are wrong. But giving a listening ear and open heart to your critics may serve as a great growing experience in your spiritual life. God uses all things in our lives, sometimes even criticism, to draw us closer to Himself.

B. Undeserved: what we believe to be unjust criticism

It is important to ask God to give you wisdom and discernment and to make every attempt to check your heart to make sure the criticism is not justified. Remember that the “Lord is a tester of hearts” (Prov. 17:3; HCSB).

Even if you are being criticized unjustly:

1. Examine and humble your heart before the Lord. Romans 12:17–18 is a great Scripture for us to remember in those difficult times of unjust criticism: “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Try to do what is honorable in everyone’s eyes. If possible, on your part, live at peace with everyone” (HCSB).

2. Don’t retaliate. Retaliation is our normal, natural response, but we must grow and mature beyond that fleshly act to strike back when we are criticized. Rarely, if ever, does retaliation lead to anything good.

3. Pray and ask God to give you grace on your lips (Prov. 22:11). “Whoever guards his mouth and tongue keeps his soul from troubles” (Prov. 21:23; NKJV).

4. Leave it with God and let it go.

Is it ever right for a Christian to refute criticism? I believe it can be on rare occasions. There is a time for righteous indignation, but it should be only an exception and not a frequent experience in your life. I am hesitant to even mention it, but because of my own personal experience in that area one time, I have chosen to include this story.

There was once an occasion when I listened and listened and listened to the false accusations against my husband. A couple had come in to share with Ronnie their “concerns” about his leadership in our church. The wife accused him of not caring about people (little did she know that the very night before we had been up with a family until two a.m.). She added that all he did was stay in his office, that he was out of touch with the real world and he expected too much from people in our church, and on and on and on. My husband sat there and never defended himself. Finally I couldn’t stand it any longer. I “rebuked” her and told her that she knew what she was saying was not true! Believe it or not, she stopped cold in her accusations and said, “You’re right.” This is the only time in our ministry life that I ever remember doing it, but it was so obvious that I could not ignore her accusations and I knew that my husband was not going to defend himself on that particular occasion. The meeting ended cordially with the general feeling that we all “agreed to disagree” on the concerns laid before us. The relationship was never the same, but I can honestly say that I felt I did the right thing on that rare day.

Guard against taking up an offense for someone else. This is extremely hard to do when someone is attacking someone you love — whether it’s your husband, your children, or someone else you care about. When you take up an offense for someone else, you are carrying a burden that is not yours to carry. Plus, you may ignite or fuel hard feelings for that person toward the offender. Better to leave it alone — let it go and let God work it out in His timing and His plan.

You make your husband look like a weak man if you run to defend him every time he is criticized. It is a rare occasion that I defend my husband — even though he has been criticized often. I have learned to let the Lord fight our battles for us, and sometimes — just a very few times — he has let me speak truth on his behalf.

I learned a hard lesson years ago as a young pastor’s wife. After seeing my husband humiliated publicly in a business meeting, I made my way to a church member and his wife and promptly informed them that they were being swayed in the wrong way against my husband — only to see the man who had done the “swaying” observing me.

The Lord kept me up all night under great conviction over my actions, and I knew that I had to call this man and apologize for my behavior.

He was the last person in the church that I would want to call for anything — much less to apologize. He loved to intimidate people and was just not a very friendly or kind person. Having to call him that morning — under the conviction of the Holy Spirit — cured me and, I’m sure, saved me from heartache in the future that I would have brought on myself due to a lack of composure and trying to refute criticism toward my husband.

Remember that Scripture, “Blows that hurt cleanse away evil”? (Prov. 20:30; NKJV). Even though others’ actions may have been wrong toward my husband, my action was equally wrong, and learning that lesson has kept me from falling into that pattern of trying to defend the accusations against my husband.

My husband is not afraid to take a stand and be bold; therefore, if I am constantly trying to defend his stance on issues, that task would be never-ending! That’s not the way we need to spend our energy. Don’t be guilty of bringing on your own criticism and living from one crisis to another. That drama never ends and leads to nowhere.

We need bold and courageous men in our world today! Pray for your husband to be a bold man — a man full of courage to face criticism and speak truth. Don’t ever be guilty of holding your husband back for doing what is right.

It is inevitable that your children will also endure some criticism along the way. Let me be clear to say in advance, it’s not just ministry children who receive criticism. Remember, criticism is a way of life for all of us, regardless of who your mom and dad are or what they do for a living. Don’t presume that your children are being criticized and persecuted unjustly for your sake! You do your children a disservice if you run to their rescue and attempt to deliver them from all criticism.

Again, “blows that hurt cleanse away evil.” The Lord may use this truth in your children’s lives to make them grow in their personal walk with the Lord. Real life involves criticism. Don’t handicap your children in coping with the real world by always rescuing them and assuming everyone else is just being critical of them.

It’s always best to evaluate the full situation and possibly prevent embarrassment to yourself when you find out the truth may differ from what you’ve been told. Regardless, God can use all things — good and bad — in our children’s lives to mature them and prepare them for life.

Show your children how to respond to criticism — just or unjust — by your behavior toward those who criticize. Be a godly example to your children in this area. Anyone can act like the world and respond like the world, but it takes someone full of Jesus to respond as Jesus would have us.

How Did Jesus Deal with Criticism?

Jesus lived with criticism. Two examples come to mind. Jesus was criticized by those He knew in His own hometown. Read the following account from the Book of Matthew.

He returned to Nazareth, his hometown. When he taught there in the synagogue, everyone was amazed and said, “Where does he get this wisdom and the power to do miracles?” Then they scoffed, “He’s just the carpenter’s son, and we know Mary, his mother, and his brothers — James, Joseph, Simon, and Judas. All his sisters live right here among us. Where did he learn these things?” And they were deeply offended and refused to believe in him. Then Jesus told them, “A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his own family” (Matt. 13:54–57).

Mary and Martha, two of Jesus’ closest friends, expressed their disappointment openly to Him at Lazarus’s death: “Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died” (John 11:32).

Jesus was criticized by some of the members of his own family. “For even his brothers didn’t believe in him” (John 7:5). Think of how that must have made Jesus feel! They did not fully understand His calling and that He truly was the Son of God. Not that we should compare ourselves to Jesus, but at times we are criticized by others due to a lack of full understanding of our work and calling.

Just think about this — Jesus’ disciples — His closest circle of friends and followers — were also critical of Him.

In Matthew 16:21–23 it says: “From then on Jesus began to point out to His disciples that He must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things from the elders, chief priests, and scribes, be killed, and be raised the third day. Then Peter took Him aside and began to rebuke Him, 'Oh no, Lord! This will never happen to You!’ But He turned and told Peter, 'Get behind Me, Satan! You are an offense to Me because you’re not thinking about God’s concerns, but man’s” (HCSB). (Is this a word for us or what!?)

Those in authority also criticized Jesus, the Sadducees and Pharisees, other religious leaders such as the priests and elders, and the soldiers, just to name a few.

There are so many instances where Jesus was criticized for doing great things — like healing people. How could that possibly have been a reason for criticism?

Jesus was criticized on all sides — from those who were closest inside His circle to those who really didn’t know Him or understand what He was all about. They criticized Him upon assumption of what others had said about Him or just what they thought was traditionally correct.

Have you ever been criticized unjustly when the person criticizing didn’t see and understand the “whole picture”?

What examples did Jesus leave with us in dealing with criticism? The Gospels are full of examples of how Jesus dealt with criticism in a number of ways:

He was silent at times (before the Sanhedrin).

He refuted it at times (in the synagogue when He taught).

He took it to the Father (in the Garden of Gethsemane before He was ultimately betrayed).

In John 13:1–4 we read this account:

Before the Passover Festival, Jesus knew that His hour had come to depart from this world to the Father. Having loved His own who were in the world, He loved them to the end. Now by the time of supper, the Devil had already put it into the heart of Judas, Simon Iscariot’s son, to betray Him. Jesus knew that the Father had given everything into His hands, that He had come from God, and that He was going back to God. So He got up from supper, laid aside His robe, took a towel, and tied it around Himself (emphasis added; HCSB).

You see, Jesus knew:

1. where He came from (the Father had sent Him);

2. why He came to earth (He knew His purpose);

3. where He was going (He knew He was going back to the Father after His work on earth was finished).

So when the criticism came, even in the most severe form, knowing that He was facing crucifixion, He was totally secure in His actions, purpose, and calling. When you are just in your actions and you are criticized for it, sometimes you just have to:

1. know where you come from (spiritually speaking);

2. know why you’re doing what you’re doing;

3. know where you’re going;

4. leave the results to God and Let It Go.

Several years ago my husband went through a severe attack from the media. As we walked through that difficult time, we had to ask ourselves these questions. What we learned from those questions was this:

The criticism was unfounded and unjust.

The criticism came from the world’s point of view.

It was a “cause” worth fighting for — not understood by everyone — a spiritual cause worth being criticized for. This was something bigger than all of us; this was God’s plan for many reasons. It became an opportunity for the Body of Christ to stand up for our freedom in this country and the courage to stand.

The criticism that came from “within” hurt much more deeply than the articles in the paper. Even though the overwhelming majority of our church members supported my husband, there were some within our congregation who did not. The accusations and criticism that wound us most deeply are often those that come from within. Those wounds are the ones that bring us to our knees and make us want to crumble.

Your response to criticism, conflict, or crises is a testimony to others. “Others” may be your children, other family members, friends, or co-workers.

A Scripture passage that helped me through that time of persecution and criticism and will help you is 1 Peter 3:12–17: “The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears are open to their request. But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil. And who will harm you if you are passionate for what is good? But even if you should suffer for righteousness, you are blessed. Do not fear what they fear or be disturbed, but set apart the Messiah as Lord in your hearts, and always be ready to give a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you. However, do this with gentleness and respect, keeping your conscience clear, so that when you are accused, those who denounce your Christian life will be put to shame. For it is better to suffer for doing good, if that should be God’s will, than for doing evil” (HCSB).

After my husband had been the lead story on the local evening news, front page newspaper articles, and many letters to the editor for a period of weeks, I found myself very uncomfortable going out in public during that time. Sometimes we let our “vain imaginations” get the best of us, and the enemy, Satan, causes us to lose perspective.

During that time, my husband and I attended an athletic event at a local high school. It’s normal for us to receive stares — not out of negative circumstances, but his visibility on television causes people to take a second look when they see him in public. Being a little self-conscious that night, I noticed a lady staring intently at my husband as we approached the ticket gate. She was dressed in noticeably tight clothes and puffing away on a cigarette. She began to approach us and I braced myself for a tongue lashing right there in public! As she got closer, she said, “Aren’t you that Ronnie Floyd?” “Yes, ma’am” my husband replied kindly. The next words out of her mouth completely amazed me. “I wish the media would just leave you alone. You just keep preaching the Word.” Then she turned around and walked off! Needless to say, I was speechless and extremely relieved! That was probably God’s way of telling me to ease up and quit worrying! So don’t let the enemy cause you to cower and be intimidated when your husband takes a strong stand on an issue in your church or your community.

As I bring this most important chapter to a close, I want you to consider these things:

Is the criticism in my life justified or unjustified?

What can I learn from the criticism?

Am I a critical person?

Do I let critical people influence me?

How will I respond to the criticism in my life?

Can you answer these questions as well from a godly viewpoint without any hesitancy?

Where did I come from?

What is my purpose here on earth?

Where am I going?

Have I left this situation with God?

Have I “let it go”?

Only if you know Jesus Christ as your personal Savior can you answer these questions. It is by God’s sovereign will that you were born. You are not reading this book by accident. Jesus Christ came to earth to bring salvation to anyone who is willing to repent of the sin in his life and ask Him to come into his heart so that he might spend eternity with Him in heaven. He wants to give you victory every day of your life — even victory over criticism.

Until we make some choices in the way we will handle criticism, there is a great temptation not to forgive those who have offended us.

We have no greater example of forgiveness than Jesus and His life and death on the Cross. We will never experience the circumstances or criticism in our lives to equal or surpass what Christ’s sacrifice of forgiveness was on the Cross for our sins. The bottom line is, we have no choice to not forgive — because we have been forgiven much.

After 33-plus years in ministry, I have learned that having a spirit of forgiveness is not optional. This is definitely not an area that I would say “it ain’t that hard” because it’s been a real challenge in my own life, but I want to say again that forgiveness is not optional. I deal with hurt inwardly, not outwardly. I don’t strike out — I cut you out. It’s not with outward actions but is a matter of the heart. This is not something I am proud of, and I must guard against this in my personal walk with Christ.

Having said that, I know that unless I forgive others I will not receive personal forgiveness from the Father. I also strive to remember the fact that I, once again, have been forgiven much.

Here’s my reminder — let this apply to your life also: “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matt. 6:14–15). We must recognize and remember that God is the judge. We are not.

These Scriptures are the perfect reminders of who should do the judging. “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven” (Luke 6:37).

“Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged” (Matt. 7:1–2).

Not to be misleading or contradictory, but the Bible also tells us to “be shrewd as snakes and harmless as doves” (Matt. 10:16). I believe God gives us discernment with those who hurt and offend us. Forgive? Always. Not optional for a Christian or a minister’s wife. But you can also ask God to give you wisdom and discernment for future dealings with those who are bent toward hurting you or your husband.

Through these many years serving in ministry alongside my husband, I have learned a lot about the area of forgiveness — many times dragging my feet, with my heart to follow eventually, but knowing God’s personal forgiveness for my sin rendered me helpless to do otherwise. The following are some things I’ve learned:

1. Always leave the door open when others hurt you. Time has a way of bringing things around, and God can work in amazing ways when we don’t close our hearts to those who hurt us. My husband has modeled this to me over and over again throughout many years of ministry in one place. While there are many positives to long tenure, it also carries unique challenges. We have served here long enough to see people leave our fellowship for a variety of reasons and eventually come back. Sometimes they come back with repentant hearts, other times they simply come back. Regardless, time does have a way of healing past hurts when we choose to forgive and “let it go.”

2. Unforgiveness hurts my personal relationship with Christ more than the person who hurt me. Unforgiveness puts me in bondage, not the other person or persons. Why would we want to allow that in our lives? Satan uses unforgiveness to hinder our relationship with Christ, making us more vulnerable to his attack on our lives. Remember this: God is the judge. I am not. You may need to repeat that in your mind several hundred times a day when you’ve been really hurt by someone.

3. Forgiveness softens your heart toward those who hurt you. A spiritual goal for all of us should be to have tender hearts — regardless of what happens. I heard it said once that ministers’ wives should develop “the hide of a crocodile and a heart of butter.” That statement holds much truth.

4. Unforgiveness robs us of precious energy. If you’re like me, you don’t have any to waste. There is too much to do — too much good to do and focus on — to waste our precious mental, emotional, and spiritual energy being bitter and angry.

My husband has modeled forgiveness before me numerous times in ministry. I have seen him viciously attacked publically and privately and seen him open his heart and arms and graciously forgive. He even forgives those who have not asked for forgiveness, leaving God as the judge. What an example.

We can all think of someone we know who has chosen to not forgive — or refused to “let it go.” Is there anything attractive or appealing about that? I think not. If we really consider the whole issue of criticism, conflict, and crisis, under God, we must “let it go.” When considering whether “to forgive or not to forgive,” we really have no choice at all. As I said previously, we must choose to forgive because each of us has been “forgiven much.” Thank You, Jesus.

Interactive Testimony

Meredith Floyd is one of my two precious daughters-in-law. She is married to our younger son, Nick. Nick and Meredith met at Liberty University, fell in love, married, and have given us two beautiful grandchildren — Reese Caroline and Beckham Grant. Meredith has a love and passion for following God’s will for her life unlike any I have seen in very many young women her age. She received her degree from Liberty University in biblical studies, concentration in women’s ministry. She was honored with the very first Women’s Ministry Award in 2005. Meredith is a gifted teacher and loves to teach the Word to women. Although she is young, God has already used circumstances in her life to help her live out some of the biblical principles I have talked about in this chapter.

Jeana: How has God used the area of forgiveness to cause you to grow in your walk with Christ?

Meredith: The Scripture God has really used in my life regarding forgiveness is Ephesians 4:32. “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you” (NASB). That gets me every time! I have not come across a situation yet that, when put through the Ephesians 4:32 test, comes out the other side exempt. No matter what the specific situation is, God’s answer to me is the same: “Meredith, I hear you …but I want you to forgive that person as I have forgiven you …how have I forgiven you?” He forgives me immediately, completely, and repeatedly. I have often found myself unwilling to forgive others, but then in the next breath asking God for forgiveness for a sin I have committed. In that moment, I so appreciate how the Lord forgives me immediately as I recall 1 John 1:9: “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (NASB). There I am receiving such an available forgiveness but unwilling to give the same to another. It is in that moment that the Spirit whispers Ephesians 4:32 to me. I have no choice but to obey. I have learned that I must choose to forgive, even though I might not “feel” like forgiving. It is in this obedience that I find freedom. He is faithful!

Jeana: What does it mean to you personally to “let it go”? What steps did God use in your life to bring you to the point where you were willing to “let it go”?

Meredith: Just “let it go” is what women say to other women all the time, but it is not so easy to do! Ha. Before I can get to the point of just “letting it go” I have found one particularly helpful verse. Hebrews 12:14–15 says, “Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many” (NIV). To me, “let it go” means do my part to “make peace” as best I can, and then I must lay it down at the feet of Jesus. I have to entrust the “offence” and the cart full of emotions that comes with that hurt to the Lord! He can handle it.

In hurtful situations, I am only responsible to the Lord for my own actions. We cannot control other people, as much as we might think we know just what they need to do! The other person involved will be accountable to God for his or her own actions. It is up to him or her to work through the issue with the Lord. We are all sinners, and it is only by the grace of God we are not doing exactly to them what they have done to us. Whether or not they ever apologize for their part or ask for forgiveness is irrelevant. My response must be the same. First, I must try to do my part to “be at peace” with all men. I must make restoration on my end if needed. Second, let it go! Lay it at the feet of Jesus. I have to choose to forgive that person based on the command of Jesus (Eph. 4:32). God’s Word always works! His way is always best! He created us and knows best how to help us walk through our wounds. I must trust Him. Third, I can begin praying for that person. Praying for the person who has hurt me can do several things. It brings me into obedience to the Word (Rom. 12), it blesses them (Rom. 12), and it helps relax my anxious heart by turning my focus and emotions toward Jesus. Praying for people during these circumstances has been so powerful and freeing in my life. Try it!

Jeana: Although you are young in ministry, how do you plan to deal with criticism or conflict? What source will you run to? How do you feel God has already used circumstances in your life to prepare you for those times?

Meredith: I participated in a Bible study while we were serving on staff at Prestonwood Baptist Church in Dallas, Texas. It was called self-confrontation. (I recommend it!) In it, there is a chapter dealing with anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness. It was a very powerful tool in helping us learn how to practically, step by step, deal with the issue of unforgiveness. I just happened to be dealing with that issue right when we came to that specific chapter. Don’t you just love how God does that? (No and yes!) Although sometimes awkward and challenging, when I follow through in obedience during these times, I am always glad I did. He is so trustworthy and always has our best interests in mind! By learning what the Word of God had to say about the subject, I was able to practically apply it over the next few weeks.

Although this situation did not happen within our ministry, but outside of it, it did teach me many lessons that I needed to learn about how to deal with conflict, unforgiveness, anger, and bitterness. I knew that a life devoted to full-time ministry would require me to “toughen up”! I was going to have to learn how not to be such a people pleaser and how to deal with all of the emotion that comes from being offended, criticized, or hurt by someone. Little did I know, God had just the recipe to allow me to have some real life practice. Ouch!

To finish the story, I knew God wanted me to follow through with my “Bible study homework” that week, the tall order of confronting the person and asking forgiveness for my part. God gave me the courage. I remember walking toward this person, all the while thinking, I can’t believe I’m doing this…. I am so scared …my body is moving in that direction …there is no turning back. I went to this person, apologized for my part (I don’t think this person ever knew anything was bothering me) for how I had allowed it to affect me and hoped they could forgive me. This person was so gracious! I could feel the anxiety and weight lifting off of me. I had almost let my pride and fear keep me from God’s healing in this specific situation. Even though this person never apologized or talked about what I believed “they had done wrong,” it didn’t matter. I had obeyed what I felt God called me to do in this specific situation and did my part to “be at peace with all men.” To this day, the anxiety I had felt for over a year anytime this person was around or was even mentioned is gone! Praise the Lord! It is now replaced with a new memory — a memory of a God-sized moment in my life where God came through for me and gave me the courage to do what He was asking me to do. He healed my anxious heart and humbled me greatly in the process.

I am not suggesting that you must confront every person you have harbored unforgiveness toward. This is just what the Lord was asking of me in this specific case. I needed extra work! My experience with unforgiveness lasted over a year, and God really used this entire situation to teach me just what can take root in our hearts after being hurt. Truly, unforgiveness can lead to great bondage and has the potential to spill over into every part of your life. On the other hand, giving the gift of forgiveness brings great freedom! Since that experience, when I notice that I have unforgiveness in my heart, I diligently do whatever it takes between the Lord and me to deal with it as quickly as possible. It is worth working through. Forgive as you have been forgiven….

RELATIONSHIPS MATTER

9

Relationships . . .

Can we have them in ministry life?

Are they important?

How deep can they go?

What’s acceptable?

Is anything “off limits”?

Being raised in a pastor’s home, I was taught that you cannot have friends in the ministry. Because ministry life and the expectations that go along with it have changed so drastically, I personally believe it is possible to have relationships and friendships in ministry. In fact, I will go a step further and say that you must have friends and relationships in ministry.

What I have learned after serving in ministry for many years is that all relationships have boundaries. Yes, people will disappoint you, but many will also follow you on the journey of ministry and make it so worthwhile. Are there some cautions to consider? Yes. The sooner you understand the boundaries of relationships, the easier it will be to initiate and maintain those friendships and relationships.

Why do relationships matter? Relationships make ministry fun. Relationships make ministry more rewarding. Relationships take others on the journey with you. Relationships challenge you as you challenge others. Relationships share the joys and the sorrows. Relationships lighten the load at times.

The bottom line is this: relationships in ministry do matter — and they make ministry meaningful. We cannot survive without relationships. Life revolves around relationships with your spouse, extended family, friends, work, and church. That is what life is made of.

Since we cannot actually escape relationships, how do we use them for “good” and not “bad”? How do we know what the boundaries are?

We have much to gain from one another in the Body — from staff relationships to church relationships.

Different relationships meet different needs in our lives — and all have “boundaries.” Whether it’s your husband or your best friend or your mother or mother-in-law …they have boundaries.

I also believe that seasons and phases of life bring about different types of relationships. God knows that we need different kinds of support at different times of our lives.

Your Personal Relationship with Christ

We’ve already discussed in great depth this area of your personal relationship with Christ. You may survive ministry life without a vital relationship with Christ, but you will be miserable trying! I’m not talking about salvation but day-to-day walking with Christ.

At times, in ministry life, nothing can encourage your walk with Christ more than other relational problems. By that I mean that your problems push you to Christ. You had better learn to develop your personal relationship with Christ or all other relationships will end up disappointing you at some time or other — including your spouse, family, friends, and church members. Disappointment in others can send you spiraling down the stairs leading to nowhere.

Christ must be who you take your relationship problems and concerns to. Having a vital walk with Christ will give you a different outlook on all relationships. Regardless of what your struggle is in a relationship, having a walk with Christ will give you a spiritual perspective, help you to have reasonable expectations, and enable you to live within acceptable boundaries.

Your Relationship with Your Husband

Please remember that under Christ, your husband is your priority. It’s easy when you have small children for that to get knocked down the scale because young children demand so much from their mothers. That is normal and will never change. Much of relationship success is a balancing act for a woman. But it is very important that during those childbearing and childrearing years your relationship with your husband remain a priority under God.

Be loyal to your husband above others on your staff. If you point out and talk about his faults to other staff wives, they will be tempted to look at him through his weaknesses because you have planted those thoughts in their minds. It minimizes his role as a staff leader when you are critical of him. We already recognize humanity in all of us, and all you are doing is giving them ammunition with which to criticize your husband, whether he is the senior pastor or serving in a support staff position. As already stated in a previous chapter, always honor your husband publicly. The dividends are tremendous, but failing to honor him can be devastating to your marriage and ministry.

Our husbands, although strong in nature as men, still need us and are vulnerable without our focus on them. Don’t put your husband in a position where he must receive affirmation or attention from others besides you. There will never come a time in your marriage when another relationship should supersede your relationship to your husband. If another relationship is more important to you than the one with your husband, you have already crossed over a boundary that is wrong. Especially wrong is any relationship with the opposite sex that is more important than your relationship with your husband. Also, women can devote more time and energy to female friends or family relationships than their husbands, and this is not God’s intended plan for marriage. If you desire to spend more time with your girlfriends or a family member than your husband, you need to ask yourself why. Down the road of life and marriage and ministry, sooner or later this lack of relational value will catch up with you in a negative way. I can honestly say that there is no one I’d rather be with than my husband. He is my favorite person to be with — always.

Relationships with Church Members

Healthy relationships with church members can be a wonderful blessing. Unhealthy relationships can almost mean death to your ministry. Great caution should be exercised as you enter those relationships, knowing they can be a blessing or a curse.

I referred to Barbara O’Chester already, who poured much into my life as a young pastor’s wife. Barbara taught me that you can enjoy lots of things and topics, but a wise staff wife will stay away from discussing church-related issues! Talk babies, cooking, hobbies, and any number of things — but leave the discussion of church issues alone. Make and enjoy relationships that don’t totally revolve only around church.

Unfortunately, there are some people who have a strong desire to be on the “inner circle” with the pastor and his wife or other staff team members. Some individuals thrive on this. Maybe that zeal is innocent, but one should see red flags in a relationship based on wanting to know more information than the rest of the congregation or monopolizing and attempting to control time spent with you. Beware of those who instantly swarm you and want to be your best friend. Those people rarely end up being those you are closest to. Ask God to give you great discernment where friendships are concerned. I am not suggesting that you be suspicious of every person who wants to befriend you, just use caution as you develop that relationship. A good thing to remember is, if you have not shared anything confidential, you’ll never have to worry about it being repeated.

Confidentiality is a must. Establish boundaries with your husband. By that I mean if you can’t keep your mouth shut, don’t have your husband tell you everything. Ronnie and I have made it a practice that I not know anything I don’t have to know. Not because I can’t keep my mouth shut, but it’s just not necessary for me to know many things that my pastor husband has to deal with. Wives of ministers were not made to bear the burdens of the church. We are to share the burdens with our husbands, but there are times when it is best that you are not aware of everything. Men handle challenging issues better than women. We tend to get our feelings hurt and carry an offense with us. Men speak their piece, deal with the situation, and move on. God wired us differently.

I do not mean to indicate that we live like pie-in-the-sky Polly-annas who don’t live in reality, but there are boundaries (again) to what you “must know” and what you “don’t have to know.“ You and your husband need to come to agreement to establish those boundaries within your relationship.

No one is exempt from the temptation to share something confidential at one time or another. You can always count on one thing — if you share something confidential, rest assured, that person will only share it with one other person and that person will only share it with one other person…. Do you get the point I am trying to make here?

Beware of sharing too much with those whom you consider to be your closest friends. They may not end up being your friends after all. We have all experienced the pain of close friends who, for whatever reason, end up not being friends at all. Although this is hurtful and personally painful, if you haven’t shared anything of a confidential nature, there will be no concern or regret over having shared confidential information.

I am reminded of a friendship that I had once. We shared prayer requests, participated in children’s activities, enjoyed celebrating birthdays and many other fun times. I probably considered this to be one of my closest friendships at that time. There were plenty of times that I could have chosen to share confidential information or concerns, but I chose not to. I knew better than to do that, but sometimes we get comfortable with familiar friends and are tempted to share things we shouldn’t. Friendships can sometimes blur the lines and soften our discernment. We all grieve when relationships take a different turn, but if you have “held your tongue” and not shared confidential information, you will not have to worry about the repercussions of them repeating something you might have told them. There won’t be anything to repeat!

You never get so old that you don’t have to remember to control your tongue and keep confidentiality. It’s not an “age thing,” and it will always be a temptation to deal with. Beware also of “God talk.” You know what I’m talking about — those people who disguise their real motivation of just wanting to be “in the know” by convincing you they will “make it a matter of prayer.”

I pray these Scriptures for my life, and our entire family, my husband, my sons, their wives, and our grandchildren:

Those who control their tongue will have a long life; opening your mouth can ruin everything (Prov. 13:3).

The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences (Prov. 18:21).

Wise words bring many benefits, and hard work brings rewards (Prov. 12:14).

For the one who wants to love life and to see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit, and he must turn away from evil and do good. He must seek peace and pursue it, because the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and His ears are open to their request. But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil (1 Pet. 3:10–12; HCSB).

You will need to become quickly seasoned when you deal with church members who want to share criticism of others or just flat out gossip about others. When you encounter those types of people, you need to be prepared in advance. Know what to say and what not to say. A good thing to say when someone else is talking about others is, “I’m surprised by that. I’ve not known that individual to be that way personally.” At times you will need to have the boldness to say, “I’m sorry, I can’t listen to that,” or, “I’m sorry, I just cannot go there.” Have your plan in mind of what you plan to say — don’t be caught off guard.

I want to insert here something that I came to realize after many years in ministry. Anytime someone left our church, I was extremely hurt and offended. I always took it very personally, thinking that we as a pastor and wife or our church must have failed in some way. What I came to realize is this: many times people leave our churches and it has nothing to do with us or the failure of our church. Sometimes it just happens. People’s lives and circumstances change for a number of reasons. It was very liberating for me to come to that point personally.

When a relationship begins to dominate above your relationship with your husband or children, or pulls you away from your home, your church, or your relationship with Christ, you need to take a hard look and see if you have crossed the boundaries of a healthy relationship. A healthy, godly relationship will push you to Christ and His Church and will encourage you to be a better wife, mother, and staff wife. If that relationship doesn’t encourage all of those things, you should take a look at that situation, and I would advise limited time with that person. We must be responsible and mature in our relationships so that our families do not suffer first and foremost, our churches as well.

I must mention that there are times when a minster’s wife will sense an improper attraction toward her husband from other women. When this occurs, and true discernment is accurate, your husband will be a wise man to heed the warning and take the proper steps to cease any relationship with such women. I really believe that many times God will give the wife the discernment when the husband may not see it.

It is truly a blessing to find other couples with whom both you and your husband enjoy fellowship. That seems to be a rare find for some reason! Usually it is just a matter of interests shared, or the lack thereof. Once again, I would recommend proceeding with caution, but when you do find a couple who shares a kindred heart with you and your husband, and also has a love for Christ’s church and ministry, consider that a true gift of God.

Relationships with Other Women

One of the greatest blessings you can experience as a woman is the mentoring and influence of other godly women on your staff and also in your church. My life has been blessed, influenced, and enriched not only by women on our staff team throughout these years of ministry, but by other godly women in the church outside of ministry. Prayerfully, the senior pastor’s wife sets a wonderful godly example that you will want to follow. On our most recent staff retreat, as I met with the wives on our ministry team, we discussed at length the word “influence.” Women have the power to influence other women in many positive ways — from relationship encouragement to skills in the home, raising children, loving husbands, and growing in their walk with Christ. Women are masters at sharing their lives with one another!

I would like to introduce a new definition of mentoring. Charlotte Akin, wife of Dr. Danny Akin, president of Southeastern Seminary, shared with our wives on that retreat that all a woman needs to do to mentor another woman is “be what God called you to be in front of another woman.” What a great contemporary definition of mentoring. What a great challenge to all women without the restraints of age or other defining criteria! I do believe in the Titus 2 principle that encourages “older women to live in a way that honors God…. Older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children, to live wisely and be pure, to work in their homes, to do good, and to be submissive to their husbands” (Titus 2:3–5). Again, I believe wholeheartedly in the older teaching the younger, but let’s not miss out on how another woman can influence your life regardless of her age. If she leads you to be a better woman, stronger in your faith and stronger in your family, that is a wonderful blessing! I can honestly say that in all these years of ministry, my life has been blessed not only by older women, but by younger women as well.

Relationships with other Staff Wives

Expect to serve with some of God’s finest servants. Some of the sweetest relationships I have had with other women have been those we have served on staff with. I have been blessed in every church we’ve served to have wonderful relationships with other staff wives. Best friends? Rarely, but occasionally that does happen. You will be closer to some than others. That is natural and many times depends on the age of your children and the particular area of ministry you are involved in. You don’t all have to be “best friends,” but you can be each other’s “best supporters.”

Ministry can be lonely at times. I remember many times when I felt like “staff was all we had.” I am grateful for faithful and loyal staff members that we have served with throughout these many years in ministry. Many times they have made it bearable.

One of the greatest fellowship builders we have practiced for a number of years is a monthly staff wives’ luncheon. We meet during the months that school is in session. This is something that our ministry couples are told about when they are hired. A great benefit of our luncheons is helping new staff wives find a nucleus of friends while they are adjusting to a new place of service. We feel it is a very important time to grow and maintain fellowship among the wives on our staff team. Because most wives are involved in their husbands’ ministries, if it were not for the monthly time to touch base with the other wives, they could go for months without ever seeing one another. We feel so strongly about this that we provide child care, and there is an expectation to be there unless work or illness prevents it. Throughout the years we have carried this out in a number of ways. Before our ministry staff became so large, we would take turns meeting at each other’s homes. The host house was responsible for providing the meal. As time went on and the size of our staff and age of our staff wives changed, I decided that the easiest thing to do for all involved was to have the luncheon at the church and provide child care and meals for the wives. I try to make this as simple as possible for them — and I stay away from planning this time on the weekends when it would interfere with precious family time. We meet the same time each month, and I ask them to put these dates on their calendars several months in advance.

We have done a variety of things at our luncheons, from having a prayer time to having someone come speak to the wives about safety and security. We’ve learned to make chicken pot pies and have shared burdens of illness among our wives and family members. We have celebrated the births of babies and grieved the loss of babies. We’ve prayed, laughed, and cried together, encouraged, and shared the load of life and ministry with one another. This is an invaluable time for the wives to get together.

When Ronnie and I came here almost 23 years ago, I was one of the youngest wives. I have to admit when Ronnie asked me to start this monthly luncheon I was very intimidated because of my age. Now, after all these years, I am the older woman! I feel a calling to mentor these precious younger staff wives the best I can. It is a joy to pour into their lives. The younger generation is a blessing to my life and keeps me humbled as I have the opportunity to share what knowledge God has allowed me to experience as a pastor’s wife. Those young women are fresh and eager to walk by their husbands’ sides in ministry. What a great calling and privilege we have to invest our lives, as the older women, in this younger generation of staff wives!

In addition to our monthly luncheons, our ministry staff goes away for a staff retreat each year. This is not optional and is a time that our staff looks forward to each summer. Although a time of work, planning, and challenge, it is also a great time of fun and fellowship for our staff couples. I have special sessions with the wives, and we also have sessions together as couples. This is such an invaluable time with our wives — it is the only concentrated time we have together. It is truly a time when we get to know one another better, and relationships are more deeply forged. Beyond that, it’s just wonderful fellowship time with one another. If you cannot go away with your staff team, at least plan some in-house concentrated time.

Conclusion

The bottom line in relationships is this: we need each other. We need friends on the staff team, and we need friends who are church members. It’s always helpful to have great family relationships, but it doesn’t always happen that way. The best way to enjoy relationships is to remember that any relationship that does not ultimately make you a better individual is probably not the healthiest relationship for you. Those relationships cannot always be avoided completely, but as you consider the time and energy that goes into those particularly, make sure you spend more time in the ones that replenish and less time in the ones that deplete.

All of us have experienced replenishing relationships and depleting relationships. Some of you are probably identifying some of those individuals in your minds right now. In short — replenishing people refresh your soul and are a joy to be around.

Depleting relationships are the ones that make you want to run the opposite direction when you see them coming or avoid answering the phone when you see their name pop up on caller ID! A replenishing relationship will build us up personally and in ministry. A depleting relationship will rob you of time, energy, and many other things. We cannot always avoid some of those depleting relationships, but set the boundaries or you will find yourself completely drained by others. There are times in ministry when we make ourselves available to others, and there is also an art to limiting the amount that you allow others to deplete you. It’s not a badge of honor to extend yourself for others at the expense of your own family. You must learn the boundaries and how to make the boundaries work for you. By doing this you are not selfishly limiting your involvement with others. Instead you are using great wisdom and discernment so that you are available for God to use you in the most effective way. If we are “spent” from constantly pouring into the lives of others, we will not be effective in ministering to those God particularly wants us to reach. Remember, even Jesus drew aside from the crowds to refresh Himself.

In summary, here is an overview of the things discussed to help with boundaries in relationships.

Be open to relationships, but proceed slowly and cautiously in new ones.

Remain loyal and confidential to your husband, the staff team, and the church.

Relationships make ministry bearable — and even more, enjoyable and worthwhile.

We need others in our lives.

We can gain from others.

We can give to others.

Relationships are how people are won to Christ.

Learn and discern which relationships are replenishing and which ones are depleting.

I hate to be repetitive, but all relationships need to have boundaries. The greatest temptation is to let any relationship veer from what it needs to be to remain healthy.

Knowing the boundaries is key to having relationships and reducing the risk of those relationships being other than what God intended for them to be in our lives.

Interactive Testimony

Leigh Lowery is a special friend. She is married to Dr. Fred Lowery, pastor of the First Baptist Church in Bossier City, Louisiana. She is the mom of two beautiful and godly married daughters, and is also a grandmother (also known as “Hunny”). Our paths first crossed several years ago when we accompanied our pastor husbands and several others on a trip to Russia. We immediately bonded — mostly because of Leigh’s warm and fun-loving personality. As our friendship has grown, I have observed this about Leigh’s life — she is a lover of people. She cares about the people in her church and other ministers’ wives, and is willing to reach out to others beyond church walls to make relationships. And she is just one of the greatest delights to be around!

Jeana: You and Fred have been in one church for many years now. Knowing that tenure has its own certain challenges, what wisdom would you give other ministers’ wives about relationships within your church?

Leigh: As a young minister’s wife, I was given the advice: “Don’t have friends in the church because it will cause problems. You will get hurt.” We do put ourselves in a vulnerable place when we have church relationships, but I would not want to miss the richness relationships bring to life. I chose friends. I have been hurt.... I will choose to do it again. I really cherish the relationships that Fred and I have in our church, and I love, need, and enjoy the “girlfriend relationships” that I have with my sisters in Christ. Many of these relationships have been growing since we came to First Baptist Bossier over 25 years ago. These relationships have become the “intimate kind” where we truly know each other and know exactly what to do if a need arises. We know when to talk and when to be quiet. We know when to make a run for nachos and chocolate fudge cake or just cry with one another! These are friends that I do life with. We have raised our children together, entertained each other at boring middle school games, endured the raging hormones of teenage children, cried through empty nest, celebrated marriages, gone absolutely crazy over the births of grandchildren, and wept at more graves than we can endure. We love and accept each other on a deep level. These relationships are the kind built on the pillars of time and perseverance. They are as close as sisters. (I know because I have the most precious sister in the world.)

It would be unrealistic to say every relationship that I have had over the years was as rich and wonderful as those described above. Nothing feels worse than the betrayal of a good friend, and not really knowing exactly what went wrong is especially hard. Many times, Fred and I have lain awake in bed at night talking about relationships and trying to figure people out! Sometimes it really has nothing to do with us but a grievance with the church or even God Himself. At times all you can do is pray through a bad situation, offer apologies, and let the person go. The relationships in the New Testament have helped me move on. Even Paul and Barnabas had a broken relationship over John Mark!

Jeana: How have you practiced relationships beyond the church walls?

Leigh: Relationships outside the church walls are a bit more challenging, but full of rich treasures waiting to be discovered. I have always enjoyed lots of different sports, hobbies, games, crafts, water sports, etc. I love to “play” in general. My family says I am always either having a party or looking for a party. For a sanguine, it is not hard to make friends. The challenge is to be real and glorify God. Being “real” is my heart’s desire, but the desire of my flesh; calling out to be liked and accepted is sometimes a battle. I grew up with an alcoholic father and I learned to wear a mask, cover my feelings, and keep secrets. When you think about it, those coping skills can work really well for you as a pastor’s wife! But in reality, these characteristics are roadblocks to relationships. I have learned that when my inside and outside don’t match, I feel and act like a phony.

Over the last few years I have gotten to know and grown to love a group of women who play golf at our neighborhood golf club. I was intimidated at first because I am a high handicapper, and a beginning golfer, but that is the tip of the iceberg. Many of the women I play with are well-educated, intellectual, professional career women who are confident, strong women. I worried that I would not fit in and wondered how they would feel about a preacher’s wife joining their foursome. Of course, every game keeps a score, and small amounts of money are won for low gross, low net, longest drive, and low putts. I well remember the first day when everyone was putting in her “dollar.” Do I put in my “dollar” or try to explain why I couldn’t? I wanted them to feel comfortable with me and yet I did not want to compromise my convictions. One of the ladies said, “Leigh is not putting in any dollars. We are not letting her”! That was the end of that conversation. At times they apologized for a few colorful words that came out of their mouths, but they kept asking me to join them. One day one of my new golfing buddies said to me, “Leigh, your game would really improve if you said a cuss word or two.” I told her I was trying not to cuss, but my brother-in-law Charles Lowery told me I could say “Hoover”! That’s the biggest dam in the world. She laughed and laughed and told everyone at lunch!

God allowed me to walk with this golfer friend through almost two years of living with a malignant brain tumor. We prayed for her as she bravely faced her last days on earth. We became very good friends even though we were as opposite as night and day. She was a champion golfer, career woman, had never been married, and had a “bigger than life” personality. I learned so much from my friend. She never came to my church, but I had the privilege to pray with her before her brain surgery, several times during chemotherapy, and the day she went to the Grace Home where she waited to go to heaven. Her big, loving family asked me to speak at her Celebration of Life Service at the golf club. At that celebration service, God gave me an opportunity to share Christ with many people who may never go to my church. I really believe the Lord allowed me to be a part of this experience because I was willing to be real and desired to glorify Him. My prayer is that I can show the love and grace of Christ in relationships as I live and minister, and even through the game of golf.

LEARN FROM THE PAST, LIVE IN THE PRESENT, AND TRUST GOD FOR THE FUTURE

10

I remember the milestones of our family life — the births of children and the parsonages we lived in with each church. I also remember individuals from each location — mostly great memories, although I’ll have to be honest, I remember a few really mean people in a place or two! Each place we have served has a special place in my heart, and God taught me different lessons in each one.

Four months before Ronnie and I married, he began pastoring at the First Baptist Church of Cherokee, Texas. We were both students at Howard Payne University and drove approximately 1½ hours one way each Sunday. This church ran about 50 to 60 people on Sunday mornings. Some of my most vivid memories are of the precious ladies in that church who got together and made a quilt to give us when we got married. I still have that quilt and cherish it to this day. Each Sunday we went home with someone different after church. They went down the alphabet, and that was who we had lunch with. By the time you’d been through the alphabet, you knew who to look forward to and who you hoped skipped their turn! Many Sunday afternoons I took a nap on the church pews. We made many sweet memories during that time of service.

Truly this was a sweet introduction into ministry for Ronnie and me. I still use one of the recipes I copied from one of the precious ladies in that church. It’s called “Mrs. Gentry’s Chocolate Sheet Cake.” Anybody relate? As a very young pastor’s wife, I believe the greatest lesson I learned at that wonderful church was acceptance. They totally accepted us — young and inexperienced at being pastor and wife. But oh how they loved us unconditionally. I am amazed to reflect now how willing that church was to follow my husband’s leadership — only a college student, but with fire in his heart to win the lost community of Cherokee, Texas. We experienced growth numerically and in additional ways as they improved their building and facilities. What a great launching pad!

After Ronnie graduated from college, we moved to Ft. Worth, where he began working on his master’s degree at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. For a while we drove back and forth to the church at Cherokee, but eventually Ronnie resigned, knowing they needed a full-time pastor on the field due to the growth of the church. During this time I was the personal secretary to a man who owned five Lincoln/Mercury car dealerships in Ft. Worth, Texas. They were good to me as a seminary wife, but I longed to be at home. At that time of our married and ministry life, that job was part of God’s provision for us financially. The time that we were “in between” churches was a challenge, but in God’s timing, a few short months later, the First Baptist Church of Cherokee was able to call a full-time pastor, and we were called to a new field.

Our next pastorate was the First Baptist Church of Milford, Texas. The church grew into an average attendance of about 120, and we lived in the parsonage next door to the church, which was over 100 years old. Ronnie commuted back and forth to seminary in Ft. Worth, and I taught private piano lessons. We “did it all” at the First Baptist Church of Milford. Ronnie preached and led the adult choir; I played the piano and led the children’s choir. We also cleaned the church, and I was Ronnie’s secretary — for a very brief period of time. I discovered I made a better wife than secretary, so I quit! We turned the air conditioning on in the summer and the heat in the winter. And if it was really cold, we turned the heat on in that old, old building the night before. During this time our first child, Joshua, was born. I was finally able to quit work outside the home!

I believe the greatest lesson I gleaned from our tenure in Milford was the value of other women influencing my life. I became a mother at this church. We did not live close to any of our family, and several precious women poured into my life on how to be a mother. I remember in particular, in the first few days of Josh’s life, I was concerned about nursing. Was he getting enough milk? How often should he eat? Lots of questions about this tiny baby pushed me to call on the other women in our church — young and old. A wise woman, not that much older than me but just ahead of me in the mothering stage, told me not to worry, “babies are survivors.” At that stage of my life and the life of my baby boy, that was some of the best advice an older woman could have given me. Mrs. Bradley, a widow who lived across the street, was my trusted babysitter when I needed one. She even taught me how to make plum jelly. Those were sweet years at Milford, complete with only one gas station and one small grocery store. No shopping, no restaurants, not even a Wal-Mart within several miles. But I was totally content. I can remember telling Ronnie that if God wanted us to, I would spend the rest of my life there. That was probably out of naivety but also a totally willing heart.

From Milford we went to the First Baptist Church of Palacios, Texas, where Ronnie completed his doctoral work and our second child, Nicholas, was born.

Palacios introduced the Texas Gulf Coast to this west Texas girl. We could hear the sound of the waves crashing on the rocks of the bay if we left the windows open in the parsonage. Of course, along with the coastal waters come huge water bugs that looked like cockroaches, and it seemed that everybody had them, or at least that’s what they told me. The welcome gift when we arrived was a freezer full of shrimp and oysters — fresh out of the bay. The parsonage was complete with a banana tree in the yard and palm trees surrounding the church lot — yes, right across the street. The mosquitoes were so bad that I couldn’t even take Nick (who was just a baby) outside on Sunday night after church when everybody stayed to play volleyball in the church parking lot.

Our life in Palacios was so new and different for me. I had never lived near water and was excited to learn how to “de-vein” shrimp and fry oysters. The people there were loving, just like the people in Cherokee and Milford. Now a new group of people was willing to follow my husband’s leadership as their pastor, and we saw the church grow from about 120 to just under 400. We were there for three of the happiest years of my life. Where else but in church ministry can you gather such memories and experiences?

Our next move was to Nederland, Texas. That was an especially unique place of service because that is where I was truly saved. When I was nine years of age, I made a decision out of obedience to my parents. I wanted to do the right thing, but I never really trusted Christ as my personal Savior. I lived for many years with doubts, which I kept to myself because I was the “pastor’s wife.” I did not mean to live in a deceitful way. I loved God and loved His Church and would always rationalize how could I not be saved? But finally I came under such great conviction and was so miserable that I came to the point where I knew I did not know Jesus in a personal way.

I humbled myself in the church we were in at Nederland, and went forward during the invitation and made a public profession of my faith in Jesus Christ. I gave my heart to Christ on March 20, 1985. I almost let “what others might think” keep me from coming to Christ. I have never regretted that decision and have never had doubts since that time, even though it was a difficult decision to make as the pastor’s wife. As I stated, I had always had a love for Christ and His Church, but I had failed to make that all-important decision, accepting Him as my Savior. I continually pushed down the doubts that I was not saved. But deep down in the depths of my heart, I was restless. Satan can use many things to trick us into believing one thing, when the reality is quite different. The reality was, I was not saved when I made that childhood decision at age nine. I am so grateful to have settled that most important decision of my life not only for eternity, but for the many challenges I have faced since that time. Now I know for sure that regardless of what I go through as an individual or pastor’s wife, He is with me.

If you find yourself in that situation, don’t hesitate to settle the issue. You can know that you are saved and not live with doubts.

I believe it was especially important that I settled the issue of my salvation, as our time at this church taught me much about spiritual warfare in a very real way. I would have to say the greatest thing that happened in this church was definitely my salvation, and after that, learning how to deal with spiritual warfare. There were many great people there, but there were also some very challenging times experienced there. Satan does not like God’s Church to grow and advance, and we were met head-on with much warfare and dissension, and a power struggle within the church as we experienced a great outpouring of God’s Spirit and many people come to Christ. When we came to the church attendance averaged around 600. We saw many people come to Christ and, during the time we were there, saw the church grow to around 900.

In God’s timing, He moved us to the First Baptist Church of Springdale, Arkansas. Having been a Texan all of my life, I figured our time in Arkansas would be a mere “blip” on the screen of our life. Little did I know then that it would be “home” for the next 23 years of our life.

Many significant things have occurred during those 23 years, from raising our children to the expansion of two campuses. We’ve seen babies born who now have children of their own. We’ve seen countless people saved and baptized, and lives changed for all of eternity. We’ve seen marriages healed and marriages broken. We’ve fed and clothed the poor and needy and traveled around the world to share the gospel of Christ. Tenure in one place has its own specific challenges as well as blessings.

One of the most significant circumstances of my life came just over three years after we moved to Arkansas. That is when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was 35 years old. Surely I was too young, too healthy, and too busy to have cancer, but that is what God allowed into my life at that time. Other than my salvation experience, cancer has been the most life-changing event in my life.

Our church family reached out to us in an incredible way. Since our entire family still lived in Texas, the church body became our local family. I include that because significant personal circumstances will always influence your church and church family. It’s unavoidable. I believe many times they can weld the pastor and people together.

Each place we have served holds very special memories. God has blessed us more than we ever imagined or deserved. Our desire was never to be in a “big church” but only to be in “His will” for our lives. One thing about my husband is spoken of in Scripture: “He who is faithful in what is least is faithful also in much” (Luke 16:10; NKJV). His life is a testimony of that. Whether it was the First Baptist Church of Cherokee or the First Baptist Church of Springdale, his work ethic and passion for ministry have remained unchanged all these years.

My greatest joy is in being a wife, mother, and pastor’s wife. You might say I really “love my job” and have for many years. As our children are now grown, married, and have children of their own, I have no regrets about my children being raised in ministry life. In fact, I consider it to have been a huge blessing and the greatest of benefits to my children.

I feel so fortunate that our children were able to grow up in one place for the majority of their lives. That is rare in the ministry. I personally attended three different high schools and know how difficult that can be for children.

Our older son, Josh, is now 29 years old. He is married to Kate, and they have two precious little boys, Peyton and Parker. He is a football coach who leads one of the premier programs in our state, has won several state championships, and has been nationally ranked. Josh uses his profession to influence young men to be champions for Christ in football and in life.

Nick, our younger son, is also married and has two children — a girl, Reese, and a boy, Beckham. Nick feels called to full-time ministry and is almost finished with his doctoral degree. Nick and Meredith recently joined our staff team, where he serves as preaching assistant. It is a continual joy to see God’s working in their lives as a couple in ministry.

Ronnie and I were recently asked to come back to the First Baptist Church of Palacios for their 100th anniversary. I had such fond memories of serving in that church down on the Gulf Coast of Texas. During that anniversary trip, I took a walk along the bay early one morning. As I reflected on our time there, I also observed some landmarks of ministry that were displayed before my eyes that day.

As I started out on my journey that morning, I couldn’t help but recall the feelings I had those years we served in that little community — such passion, such joy, such excitement! Ask yourself this question: do you still serve with the same enthusiasm and excitement that you did when you just started out in ministry?

The bay was calm and beautiful that morning, but I remembered how quickly a storm could come up and how that calm bay of water could be changed by a dangerous squall. “Squall” (a sudden violent gust of wind with rain) was a totally new word to me when I first moved to Palacios, but I soon learned what it meant! It could come out of nowhere. Sometimes ministry is like that too — we’re loving the “calm waters” when all of a sudden, without warning, Satan attempts to bring about “squalls” in our lives and the lives of our churches. But God is always faithful, and He is never caught off guard, even when we are.

I noticed a sign there that read Caution — Oyster Shells. You see, this bay did not have a beach that you could walk out into the water on. The water appeared to be harmless, but below the surface, the oyster shells were sharp-edged and would cut you if you walked out into the water, even though it was shallow.

As staff members and wives, we must be wise and discerning. What appears to be harmless may not always be. Here’s another analogy: the oyster shell is hard on the outside, while the good part (if you like oysters!) is on the inside: the shell must be broken open to get the meat out. How like God — He looks on the inside, while man judges the outside. Many of our church members are like that — hard on the outside but needing Jesus to crack open the shell and find the good inside. May God give us patience and acceptance to love those who may not always be so easy to love!

As I continued on my walk that day I passed the home of a dear sweet lady, no longer occupied by her as she now resides in heaven. She was one of my babysitters. Again, we lived away from family, but God provided through others like this dear saint. I was reminded of another important lesson I learned in those early years: when you love others, they will love you back. Don’t let the disappointment of a very few keep you from enjoying the love of the many!

Farther down the road, I passed the Texas Baptist Encampment, which is housed at the point of the bay. It was a beautiful, unique location, right on the edge of town. I remembered Easter sunrise services, youth camps, children’s camps, church-wide baseball games, but none touched me more than the memory of the loss we experienced there. Oh, the pain of that memory. Our friend, church member, and fellow minister, the camp manager, was killed in a car wreck, leaving a young widow and four small children. Those times that never get easier with the years — the unexplained and tragic loss of life — will always be with us in ministry. Those times when you do not understand the hand of God, you trust the “heart of God.”

As I continued on my walk down memory lane, I passed by another sign that read:

ABSOLUTELY DO NOT ENTER THE WATER.

THERE ARE MANY UNSEEN DANGERS IN THIS BAY

THAT WILL INJURE OR ENDANGER YOUR LIFE.

PLEASE DO NOT ENTER THE WATER.

It was obvious from the rusty sign that it had been there for a long time — maybe it was even there when we served as pastor and wife, but I was struck when I read those words. How applicable, I thought, to life in ministry. Satan loves to scare us with the “unseen dangers” of ministry. He also loves to intimidate us and make us live in fear of hurt or disappointment in ministry. Yes, there are “unseen dangers” in ministry, but we must never forget that our victory remains unchanged in Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ lived and died for the Church. Jesus Christ is our deliverer. Jesus Christ is our provider and comforter. Jesus Christ is the reason we do what we do in ministry and endure the trials we go through.

The One who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world (1 John 4:4; HCSB).

If you are unwilling to “enter the waters” of ministry wholeheartedly, you will miss out on some of God’s greatest blessings.

Finally returning from my walk, I noticed the historical marker inscription of the hotel that we were staying at. The inscription traced the history of the hotel back to 1903, and the final words read:

…HAS WITHSTOOD MANY HURRICANES,

INCLUDING 1961’s CARLA.

The Church of the Lord Jesus Christ has withstood many trials and challenges, but God’s Word tells us that “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever” (Heb. 13:8; NKJV). What a privilege to serve Him in ministry, knowing that His Church will stand the test of time, now and forever.

Ronnie and I have always tried to live in the present, regardless of the circumstances, or regardless of what church may have contacted us. It’s a tricky heart issue to be enticed into thinking the grass is greener somewhere else. It’s of great spiritual value to learn to be content wherever God has you. Ronnie has always said that we will live like we’ll be there forever, but with our bags packed and ready to go if God calls us away. When you live in the future — or the next place of service — before God moves you there, you will never be content to serve where you are. No one can be effective, neither you nor your husband, if you are living in the future. Learn to be content with where God has you now.

Godliness with contentment is a great gain (1 Tim. 6:6; HCSB).

Obviously, when God is ready to move you, He will. Or maybe He wants you to stay longer and learn more lessons, or the work where you are currently serving is not done. If we can trust Christ with our eternity, surely we can trust Him with our place of service. Some places are easier to serve than others. I can look back at the different places we’ve served and know that. I can also remember a time when I knew specifically that God was going to move us — I didn’t know where, and I didn’t know when, but I knew that He was. After I came to know that, it was of great comfort to me regardless of what was happening at the church. It was God’s way of assuring me that He hadn’t forgotten us. At that particular time of my life, I needed that!

Rest assured, God has His plan for you and your husband’s future. Don’t rob God’s people whom you serve presently by not serving them wholeheartedly. You also rob yourself of the contentment of resting in the sovereignty of God’s hand and working in your life.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you” (Jer. 29:11; NIV).

The times when we are discouraged and tempted to think it would be easier somewhere else are the times we need to stay in God’s Word and recognize His plan is always better than ours. More than once in our ministry life, God has spared us from “ourselves” — thinking we had a better plan, knew a better place, or desired a different way. Thank God — He is in control of our future and not us.

The following Scriptures should be a comfort to us, knowing that all our days are planned by Him: the churches He leads us to serve at, our tenure there, and ultimately our future in every way!

You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed (Ps. 139:16).

We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps (Prov. 16:9).

You can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail (Prov. 19:21).

Have you ever stopped to think that God knows every step of your journey?

I know every step of the journey ahead of you, all the way to heaven…. Don’t worry about what is around the next bend. Just concentrate on enjoying My presence and staying in step with Me.[1]

Interactive Testimony

Charlotte Akin is the wife of Dr. Danny Akin, president of Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary in Wake Forest, North Carolina. Charlotte is also mother to four boys, three of whom are married, and she and Danny have four grandchildren. Charlotte’s journey as a minister’s wife has taken her down roads she never anticipated. She always thought they would serve as a local pastor and wife, but God had a wonderful and different plan. Charlotte spoke to our staff wives on our last annual retreat, where I fell in love with her warm transparency and where she served as a great encourager to our ministry wives. I love the definition of mentoring that she gave our staff wives: “Be what God called you to be in front of another woman.” Charlotte’s ministry life with Danny exemplifies this message of this final chapter: learn from the past, live in the present, and trust God for the future.

Jeana: Have you been able to look back at different times in your ministry life with Danny and see the hand of God in your past even though it might not have been what you expected?

Charlotte: Yes, without a doubt! We entered ministry thinking we would serve as a pastor and pastor’s wife, but God changed our direction to professor and professor’s wife, then dean and dean’s wife, and now president and president’s wife. As I look back over our time-line, I see all the wonderful years that the Lord enhanced our ministry through friends and mentors. We can now see how He was preparing us for our current ministry. He truly is an awesome God!

Jeana: Do you think God uses unexpected circumstances in our lives to prepare us for opportunities that we didn’t anticipate?

Charlotte: Yes, He does. I believe that God takes us through experiences that stretch us and push us out of our comfort zone. I can now see that He was preparing me for things I would be called to do later in life.

Jeana: How can ministers’ wives deal with contentment when they may not always be happy in their present situations?

Charlotte: They must find their contentment in the Lord and not in their circumstances and situations. Those things change, but the Lord never changes. He is the only solid rock and firm foundation upon which we can stand. My life’s Scripture is Psalm 91:1–2. It reads, “He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge and my fortress; my God, in Him I will trust” (NKJV). I would also encourage them with the words of the Apostle Paul in Philippians 4:11–12: “I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want” (NIV).

Jeana: If you were asked to give a one-sentence description that would describe your ministry life in each of these areas, what would that be?

Charlotte: Past — make sure that you make your family a priority.

Present — be open to the Lord’s leading.

Future — the Lord has always made us content wherever we are with whatever we are doing, and by His grace, we want that to continue forever.

Endnotes

1. Sarah Young, Nearer to Jesus (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Inc., 2008), p. 200.

Table of Contents

Foreword

Introduction

1. The “Secret” to Survival

2. Remember Who You Are

3. It Ain’t That Hard

4. Love the Man You Married

5. Balance Is the Key

6. Let the Men Be the Men

7. It’s KOOL2BAPK

8. Let It Go: Dealing with Criticism, Conflict, and unforgiveness

9. Relationships Matter

10. Learn from the Past, Live in the Present, and Trust God for the Future